S5 E22 The Hair Brained Scheme

The Hair Brained Scheme

Written by Charles Stewart

Greg buys a bottle of hair tonic from Bobby and it turns his hair orange, just prior to his high school graduation. I hope you enjoy the script.














(The episode begins with Greg pulling up in the parking lot. He just went to pick up his cap and gown for his high school graduation. He comes into the house and sees Alice and Carol in the kitchen.)

Greg: Hi, Alice. Hi, Mom.

Carol: Oh, Greg, you got it.

Greg: Yes.

Carol: Can you put it on for us.

Greg: Oh, not now.

Carol: Oh, please.

Alice: Come on. Give us a sneak preview.

Greg: Okay.

(The bell rings.)

Bobby (calling): I’ll get it.

(Carol helps Greg put the gown on.)

Carol: Oh, my son the scholar.

(Greg puts on the cap.)

Greg: Do I look okay?

Carol: Oh, Alice, isn’t he handsome? (Alice nods) I just can’t believe you’re finishing high school.

Alice: Seems like only yesterday he was just starting. The way I figure my age, he was.

Carol: Yeah, and just think. Four more years he’ll be graduating from college.

Greg: If I make the grades.

Carol: Oh, you’ll make the grades all right.

Greg: You’re sure.

Carol: Sure, because you’ll have the incentive. If you don’t, we’ll kill you.

(She kisses him and Bobby comes running in with a package.)

Bobby: It came, it came, it finally came!

Carol: What came?

Bobby: This package. What’s in this package is gonna make me a million bucks.

(He frantically opens the package. The scene fades.)

(We pick up the scene. Bobby opens the bottles.)

Bobby: How about that?

Carol: You’re gonna make a million dollars from (Pause) hair tonic.

(Greg laughs.)

Bobby: It’s not just hair tonic, it’s Neat and Natural hair tonic. If you want to look neat, this can’t be beat.

Alice: I never heard of it.

Greg: Me either.

Bobby: You can’t buy it in stores. Only from us independent dealers.

Carol: Bobby, how do you plan to make a million dollars from this?

Bobby: Very simple. I bought each bottle for a dollar. And the Neat and Natural Company guarantees that I can sell each one for two dollars. So I sell all 24 bottles, I make 24 dollars. I sell a million bottles, I make a million dollars.

Greg: He’s been using that stuff on his own head and it went soft.

Carol: Bobby, how did you get involved in something like this? These things are just gimmicks to get your money.

Bobby: Not this one. There was a big ad in my magazine.

Greg: How are you gonna make a million dollars with that junk?

(He laughs and walks away.)

Bobby: Boy, is he dumb. He’s going into college and he doesn’t even know a thing about business.

Carol: Listen, young man, I’m afraid there are a lot of things you don’t know yourself. You’re gonna find out the hard way that it’s not all that easy making a million dollars.

Bobby: I didn’t say it was going to be easy. I know it’s gonna take weeks and weeks of hard work, maybe even months.

(Cut to the girls’ room. Cindy is working on math with Jan and Marcia watching.)

Cindy: Let’s see. 2×12=24, 4×12=48, and see now, 6×12 is…

Jan: 72.

Cindy: Thanks.

Jan: Cindy, could you do your homework a little more quietly.

Cindy: I’m not doing homework. I’m figuring out how much money I’m gonna make.

Marcia: Doing what?

Cindy: Going into business. I’m gonna be a millionaire like Bobby.

Jan: I think one millionaire in the family is enough.

Marcia: Just how do you plan to make your millions, Cindy.

Cindy: I got the idea passing Mr. Kirby’s pet shop. I’m gonna raise rabbits.

(Marcia and Jan laugh.)

Marcia: You’re gonna raise rabbits?

Cindy: Sure, on account of having multiplied.

Jan: It takes a lot of multiplying to make a million.

Cindy: Look, I start with two rabbits. They have babies, and their babies have babies, and then their babies have babies.

Marcia: And the health department comes over and condemns our house.

(We take you to the boys’ room, where Bobby is trying to sell to Oliver.)

Bobby: Oliver, try this one bottle of this amazing tonic, and you have my personal guarantee that every girl at school will fall at your feet.

Oliver: Well, I would except for two things.

Bobby: What?

Oliver: #1, I’m busted. #2, I’m too young to mess with girls.

Bobby: Oh. Well, in that case, how would you like to make some money?

Oliver: Sure, how?

Bobby: By going to work for me. See, now that I’m gonna be a millionaire, I’m gonna have to have an assistant.

Oliver (excited): Me, an assistant millionaire? Wow! How much will I get paid?

Bobby: Well, not much at first.

Oliver: How much is not much?

Bobby: Nothing.

Oliver: I can make nothinhg doing nothing.

Bobby: Well, listen, you don’t understand. You see, first, you’ll start with on the job training, then you’ll start making money.

Oliver: Okay, it’s a deal.

(They shake hands.)

(Bobby and Oliver then go up to Greg’s room to see him.)

Bobby: Hi, Greg. You know, I’m really worried about you.

Oliver: Me too.

Greg: What are you worried about?

Bobby: Your appearance for graduation Friday.

Greg: Oh, anything in particular.

Bobby: Yeah, your unruly hair.

Greg: I see, and I suppose you two have the answer to the unruly condition of my hair.

Bobby: Very possible. The answer is, a bottle of Neat and Natural hair tonic.

Greg (annoyed): Just what I figured. But I’m sorry, I’m not interested. (He gets up to throw them out) I’m just gonna have to graduate unruly.

Bobby: But…

Greg: No buts.

Bobby: I’ll even give you a crack on a limited supply.

Oliver: Because you’re a relative.

Greg: Let me be among the first to say goodbye.

(He pushes them out the door.)

Bobby: You had your chance.

Oliver: Yeah.

(Next, Cindy comes home with a couple of rabbits.)

Cindy: Mom, look what i got.

Carol: What in the world…

Alice: Rabbits. Those are rabbits.

Cindy: I named them Romeo and Juliet. I’m gonna sell their babies to Mr. Kirby at the pet store for a $1 each.

Alice: Did Mr. kirby say he’d buy them?

Cindy: Not yet, but I’m sure he will. Because he can sell them to othe rpeople for $3 each.

Carol: How can you be so sure?

Cindy: He sold these to me for $3 each.

Alice: I think it’s Mr. Kirby’s who’s gonna be the millionaire.

(Alice walks away.)

Carol: Cindy, I hope you understand that Romeo and Juliet are going to be your responsibility.

Cindy: Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll take really good care of them, and I’ll keep them right up in my room.

Carol: What about your two sisters?

Cindy: They can stay too?

Carol: I was referring to the noise and the smell.

Cindy: Don’t worry, the rabbits will get used to it.

Carol (laughing): Oh, Cindy. I think it will be a lot less complicated if we move the rabbits on to the service porch.

Cindy: That’s even a better idea. (to the rabbits) Did you hear that? You’re gonna get first floor accomodation.

(Next, Bobby and Oliver try to sell the hair tonic to neighbors. They stop in front of a woman’s house.)

Bobby (to Oliver): Now watch me. Pay close attention to my expert sales technique, and learn.

(He rings the bell. The woman answers the door.)

Bobby: Madame, are you tired of your hair being an unruly mess, dry, brittle…

(She slams the door.)

Oliver: That’s not hard to learn.

(Next, they stop at a man’s house. Oliver notices a rather unwelcome sign.)

Oliver: Hey, Bobby, the sign says no peddlers or agents. Does that mean us?

Bobby: Of course not. We’re salesmen.

(The man answers.)

Man #1: Yes.

Bobby: Sir, would you like to buy a bottle of this….

Man #1: Can’t you read, kid? The sign says No peddlers or agents.

Bobby: Yeah, but, I’m a salesman.

Man #1: A salesman’s a peddler, now scram.

Bobby: Then sir, maybe you can talk to Oliver here.

Man #1: Oh, are you another peddler or agent?

Oliver: No, sir.

Man #1: Then, what are you?

Oliver: Just a little boy.

(The man slams the door. The boys stop at another man’s house. He opens the door.)

Man #2: What do you want?

Bobby: It’s not what we want, sir. It’s what you want. A bottle of Neat and Natural hair tonic.

Oliver: It keeps your hair well groomed all day.

Man #2: I’m a night watchman. I sleep all day.

Oliver: Well, it works at night, too.

Man #2: Sorry, I’m not interested.

Bobby: But sir, sir, don’t you want to look well gromed for your job?

Man #2: I told you, I’m a night watchman. Who needs to look good for a burglar.

Oliver: Well, if the burglar scares you, this will keep your hair from standing on end.

Man #2: Not my hair.

(He takes a wig off his head and they see his balding, thinning hair. He shuts the door and the guys walk away.)

(Next, Bobby comes home discouraged. He runs into Carol on the staircase.)

Carol: Hi, honey. How goes the millionaire business.

Bobby: Awful. I didn’t make a single sale.

Carol: Well, after all, it’s only your first day.

Bobby: Yeah, and it’s also my last day.

Carol (surprised): You don’t mean you’re quitting.

Bobby: Yeah, I’m a failure.

Carol: Bobby, you stop that. (They sit down on the stairwell and talk) Listen, you know there’s an old saying, quitters never win, and winners never quit.

Bobby: Yeah, that’s corny, Mom.

Carol: Well, that may be corny but it’s also true. Listen, honey, the great ones never quit, no matter how rough things get. Now, take Thomas Edison for instance, did he quit?

Bobby: No.

Carol: How about the Wright Brothers, did they quit?

Bobby: No.

Carol: And how about Carl Mahakian.

Bobby (puzzled): Carl Mahakian, never heard of him.

Carol: Right, because he quit. (Bobby looks confused) It’s a joke. (Bobby laughs) Anyway, I am trying to prove a point. If you really believe in something, if you really want to do it, you gotta hang in there.

Bobby: Boy, I wish I had as much confidence in me as you do. Thanks for the advice, Mom.

(Bobby goes up to his room. Peter is trying on Greg’s old high school sweater.)

Greg: Well, it’s a little big, but you’ll grow into it.

Peter: Boy, giving me your letterman’s sweater. I really appreciate it, Greg.

Greg: Well, I’m graduating, and you’ll be going to Westdale. But this letter comes off, you’ll have to earn your own.

Peter: Don’t worry. I’ll win one in some sport.

Greg: Yeah, chasing girls.

(Bobby comes in. He is still depressed.)

Peter: Hi.

Bobby: Hi.

Peter: What’s the matter with you?

Bobby: I’m a failure. That’s what’s the matter with me.

Greg: Bobby, you’re not old enough to be a failure, yet.

Bobby: Well, I got an early start.

Peter: You didn’t sell enough of your hair tonic.

Bobby: Not a drop.

Greg: Cheer up. You’ll sell some.

Bobby: Are you kidding. I couldn’t sell a bag of peanuts to a starving elephant.

Greg: Uh, Bobby, look, I’ve been thinking. You’re right, I got to look my best for graduation. I really need a bottle of that stuff.

Bobby: You’re just doing it because you feel sorry for me.

Greg: No, no, look, (he messes with his hair) My hair is unruly. It’s dry, brittle. Right, Peter?

Peter: it’s practically a fire hazard.

(Greg gives him an angry stare.)

Greg (smiling): I’d like to buy a bottle, Bobby.

Bobby: You’re sure you’re not doing it just out of charity?

Greg: Would I give up my hard earned cash if I really didn’t want it?

Bobby: I guess not, you’re pretty cheap.

Greg: Thanks.

(Peter laughs out loud.)

Greg: Hey, Peter, you could use a bottle too, huh.

(Bobby runs up to him with a bottle.)

Peter: Sorry, there’s something I got to do right away.

Bobby: What?

Peter: Leave.

(He exits the room.)

Bobby: Some brother. Oh, that’ll be $2. (Greg takes his wallet out an dgives him a dollar) Two dollars.

Greg: Oh, all right. (He gives him another dollar and takes the bottle) You’re welcome.

Bobby: Hey, aren’t you gonna put some of that on?

Greg: Yeah, later.

Bobby: See, just like I thought. You just did it because you felt sorry for me.

Greg: Bobby, I said I didn’t.

Bobby: Well, then put some on.

Greg: Okay.

Bobby: Here, I’ll help you.

Greg: I want to give you free customer service.

(Next, they are in the bathroom. Bobby is trying to assist Greg.)

Greg: Bobby, I can do it myself.

Bobby: Just want to make sure it’s done right.

Greg: Don’t worry, I’ll do it right.

(He puts a little on.)

Bobby: That’s not enough. I want you to be an example for the whole neighborhood to see.

(He puts way too much on Greg’s hair.)

Greg: Bobby, not so much.

Bobby: That’s okay. Don’t worry about using too much. You know where you can always get more. Use this stuff twice a day and you’ll be Mr. Cool of Westdale High.

(He abruptly stops and puts a towel on Greg’s head.)

Greg: Hey, Bobby, what’s the towel for?

Bobby: It’s good for your hair particles. See you later.

(He leaves and Greg removes the towel.)

Greg: Where you going?

(He goes to look in the mirror and discovers his hair has turned orange.)

Greg: Oh no, orange. Tomorrow’s graduation and I got orange hair.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Greg emerging from the bathroom. He is ready to kill Bobby.)

Greg (angry): Bobby, Bobby, where are you? (He looks in the closet, then under the bed) Come on out, you can’t hide forever.

(Peter comes in the room.)

Peter: Hey, Greg, what are you doing down there?

Greg: Looking for Bobby, I’m gonna clobber him!

Peter: What? (Greg comes up and Peter notices his hair and laughs out loud) Hey, do you know your hair is orange? (Greg makes an angry gesture) What happened?

Greg: Bobby’s hair tonic!

Peter: You’re sure gonna be a standout student at graduation.

Greg: Very funny.

(Peter continues laughing and Greg throws the towel at him. He then storms into the girls’ room.)

Greg (to Marcia and Jan): Has either of you seen Bobby?

(They are shocked to see his new hairstyle.)

Marcia: Greg, what happened to your hair?

Greg: Bobby’s hair tonic.

Jan: Bobby’s hair tonic. You mean you actually bought some of that junk?

Greg: Only because I felt kind of sorry for him. Now I really feel sorry for him because he’s about to have a fatal accident.

Marcia (laughing): Greg, you want to borrow this (an orange top) for your graduation? It will match your hair.

(She and Jan laugh. Greg angrily walks out and slams the door. We take you to the service porch, where Cindy and Oliver are caring for her rabbits.)

Cindy: My assistant has to help me feed them and keep their cage clean. You want the job?

Oliver: How much does it pay?

Cindy: 10 cents for each baby rabbit I sell.

Oliver (excited): Boy, I’d make a lot of money! Except I already have a job as Bobby’s assistant.

(Greg comes in.)

Greg: Have you seen Bobby?

Cindy: No. (she notices his hair) Eww, what happened to your hair?

Greg (showing them the bottle): This junk! Ooh, I’m gonna tear him limb from limb when I find him!

Oliver: I think I’ll be your assistant. Bobby doesn’t have much of a future now.

Cindy: Okay, you feed Romeo and I’ll feed Juliet.

Oliver: Now, which one’s which?

Cindy: Gee, I’m not sure.

(Carol comes in.)

Carol: Well, how’s everything going in Bunnyland?

Cindy: Not so good. We can’t figure out which one’s Romeo and which one’s Juliet.

Carol: Oh, Juliet’s the fat one. She’s the one that’s gonna have the baby.

Cindy: But they’re both fat.

Oliver (excited): Hey, maybe they’re both gonna have babies.

Carol: I doubt that.

Oliver: Why?

Carol: Well, uh, Romeos don’t have babies.

Oliver: Why not?

Carol: Well, (Pause) I’ll explain it to you after dinner, Oliver, okay.

(She leaves.)

Oliver: You know something, Cindy?

Cindy: What?

Oliver: I think your Mom has a problem about discussing sex.

(Carol then goes into the den and finds Bobby hiding beside the recliner.)

Carol: What are you doing there?

Bobby: Hiding from Greg.

Carol: Why?

Bobby: You don’t know?

Carol: Know what?

Bobby: He’s planning to eliminate one of your dependants, me.

Carol: What are you talking about?

(Greg comes in.)

Greg: Mom, have you seen (He sees Bobby hiding behind her) There he is!

Carol: Greg. (A frightened Bobby tries squirming away) Greg, wait a minute. What happened to your hair?

Greg: This (the bottle) happened to my hair! (to Bobby) Now you stand still, coward.

(He continues to go after him.)

Bobby: I’m not a coward. I just don’t like getting killed.

Carol: Now, wait a minute, you two. Let’s not have any blood shed.

Bobby: Yeah, especially my blood.

(Greg goes after him again and Carol pulls him back.)

Carol: Greg, stop it.

Greg: Well, what am i gonna do about my hair?

Carol: Well, I don’t know, leave your brother alone. We’ll try to figure something out! I knew something like this was gonna happen, Bobby!

Greg: Well, why didn’t you tell me?

Carol: Well. Here, let me see the bottle. (She looks at it) There’s an address here. Now, look, why don’t we call the Neat and Natural hair tonic. Maybe this happened to some of their other customers.

Bobby: Good thinking, Mom.

Carol: Yeah, good thinking. Look, I’ll try information.

(She goes to use the phone as Greg confronts Bobby.)

Bobby (afraid): Greg, I’m really sorry. I mean, I didn’t know something like this was gonna happen.

Greg: Yeah, I guess you couldn’t know.

Bobby: Of course not, it could’ve been worse.

Greg: I’d like to know how!

Bobby: It could’ve turned green.

Greg: Thanks. You’re a real comfort.

Carol (on the phone): I see. Yeah, thank you operator. (she hangs up) Well, the Neat and Natural company had its phone disconnected. Oh, Bobby, I knew it was gonna be some sort of shady outfit.

Bobby: I was really a jerk to fall for that ad in the magazine.

Greg: Well, what am I gonna do about tomorrow, Mom? It’s graduation.

Carol: Well, Greg, have you tried to wash that stuff out of your hair?

Greg: No, I’ve been too busy looking for this (Pause) dumbhead. (to Bobby) Listen, for your sake, it better work.

(He leaves.)

Carol: Bobby, you better say your prayers.

(Greg is in the bathroom of his attic room. He washes his hair but nothing happened.)

Greg (to Peter): It didn’t work. I washed it five times and it didn’t work.

Peter: Well, at least you got squeaky, clean hair. I bet it grows out in 6 to 8 months.

Greg (sarcastically): Fantastic, now what do I do in the meantime.

Peter: Well, you can shave your head and pretend you’re a bowling ball. (He leaves and sees Carol on the way out) He looks like Lucille Ball.

Carol: It didn’t wash out. Huh, honey.

Greg: If anything, it got brighter orange.

Carol: Look, I called the Better Business Bureau about that Neat and Natural hair tonic company.

Greg: What did they say?

Carol: The FDA closed them down.

Greg: Well, now’s a great time to find out.

Carol: Well, there is one constellation. I mean, outside of the color, it’s not gonna hurt your hair or your scalp.

Greg: But, what about graduation? I can’t go out in public like this.

Carol: Well, I do have a solution. It might be a little embarrassing, but I think it will work.

Greg: Mother, I can’t possibly get any more embarrassed than I already am.

(The next day, Carol brings Greg down to her beauty parlor. Greg is wearing a ski hat and is extremely uncomfortable in there.)

Greg: Mom, if anybody sees me in here. Couldn’t we just go home and do the dye job?

Carol: And make it look worse than it is? No, Greg, we got to let a professional do it. Look, wait here and I’ll see if I can get them to do it in private. Okay?

Greg: Okay, but hurry up.

Carol: All right.

(Greg sits down as the receptionist looks at him in disbelief. Two girls in Greg’s class, Susie and Gretchen, come in.)

Susie: Oh, Gretchen, it’s going to look great.

Gretchen: There’s Greg.

Susie: Greg Brady, in a beauty parlor?

(Greg tries hiding his face in a magazine. They come up to him.)

Susie: Hi, Greg.

Greg: Hi, Susie, Gretchen. What you doing here?

Susie: Getting our hair done for graduation tonight.

Gretchen: What are you doing here?

Greg: I’m just waiting for my mother.

Susie: Isn’t the weather a little warm to be wearing a ski hat?

Greg: Not if you’re going skiing.

Gretchen: But there’s no snow this time of year.

Greg: Well, no sense to wait till the last minute. (He gets up) Don’t let me hold you two girls up. I’m sure you got more important things to do.

Susie: Greg, you’re acting very strange.

Gretchen: Weird is more the word.

Greg (after a pause): Something’s up. Can you two keep a secret. (They both nod) You see, I came in here with my mother because she has this problem. (Pause) Are you sure you can keep a secret. (They assure him they can) Okay.

(He whispers something to the both of them. Carol comes out.)

Carol: Greg, Greg, listen (she notices the girls) Oh, hi, girls.

Susie and Gretchen: Hi.

Greg: Can’t you take care of it in private, Mom.

Carol: Yes, but I thought it was our secret.

Greg; Oh, don’t worry. Susie and Gretchen won’t tell.

Gretchen: Oh, never.

Susie: Wild horses couldn’t drag it out of us.

Carol: Sweet.

Greg: I’ll see you at graduation, girls. (He winks at them) Let’s go, Mom.

Carol (to the girls): Bye.

Susie and Gretchen: Bye.

Gretchen (to Susie): Could you tell that Mrs. Brady was wearing a wig?

Susie: Never. Who’d ever think that underneath that poor woman is completely bald.

(Back home, Cindy and Oliver go into the service porch. Alice is in there doing laundry.)

Alice: Hi, kids, how did it go at the pet shop?

Cindy: Awful. Mr. Kirby said Juliet can’t have babies.

Alice: What’s her problem?

Oliver: She’s not a her, he’s a him.

Alice: That’s quite a problem.

Cindy: Now I’m stuck with two Romeos and no Juliets.

Alice: I think you better change their names. How about Romeo and Julius.

Cindy: Mr. Kirby won’t buy back Romeo and Julius.

Alice: How come?

Oliver: He says he has too many rabbits already?

Cindy: Boy, am I a loser.

Oliver: Quit complaining. I’m a two time loser.

(Bobby comes in with the rest of his hair tonic.)

Bobby: You guys are about to see a fortune go down the drain.

Cindy: What are you going to do?

Bobby: Mom said to pour it all out. There goes my millions.

(He pours out the first bottle.)

Alice: Well, that’s life. Just like that. From Diamond Jim to bankrupt Bobby. I’m sorry.

(She leaves.)

Cindy: I’m bankrupt too, Bobby.

Bobby: Oh yeah, how come?

Oliver: Because Juliet’s a boy, and Mr. Kirby’s a fink.

Cindy: In other words, my rabbits can’t have babies and Mr. Kirby won’t buy them back.

Greg (coming in): Okay, Bobby, (he takes a towel off his head) you’re off the hook.

Bobby: Greg, your hair is back to normal.

Greg: Yes.

Cindy: It looks great. (Bobby accidentally pours the tonic on Cindy’s rabbits. Cindy gets upset) Bobby, look what you’re doing!

Bobby: Ah, listen, I’m really sorry. I’ll get a towel. I’ll dry them off.

Oliver: Hey, look.

Cindy: That stuff turned them orange.

Greg: Hey, don’t worry about it. Tonic won’t hurt them. Mom checked it out.

Cindy: Yeah, but what am I gonna do with orange rabbits?

Greg: Maybe Mom will get them an appointment at the beauty parlor.

(He leaves.)

Bobby: I think I got it.

Cindy: What?

Bobby: The solution to our millionaire problem!

(The next scene has them coming back home, feeling excited.)

Bobby: This is fantastic. I knew it would work, you guys.

Cindy (to Carol): Bobby’s the greatest.

Oliver: He’s a financial genius.

Carol: What happened? Where did you get the check?

(Bobby shows her a check they got from Mr. Kirby.)

Bobby: We sold Cindy’s rabbits back to Mr. Kirby at the pet shop.

Carol: I thought Mr. Kirby had enough rabbits.

Cindy: Enough ordinary rabbits, but not orange ones.

Oliver: Neat and natural orange.

Carol: Don’t tell me those rabbits got into the shower with Greg.

Bobby: I got all my money back too, Mom.

Carol: How?

Bobby: You see, I sold the rest of my hair tonic to Mr. Kirby, so he can make more orange rabbits. It’s harmless and it will grow out. you said so.

Carol: Well.

Oliver: You know, I’ve got an idea. If we bought a carload of rabbits, and we bought a carload of that hair tonic.

Bobby: Oliver, that’s a fantastic idea!

Carol (sternly): Bobby.

Bobby: How could you think of such a stupid idea.

Cindy: What are we gonna do with the money?

Bobby: I know. I saw an ad in the newspaper. We can make a fortune raising worms!

Oliver: You mean orange worms!

(Carol laughs and the scene fades.)

(The final scene has the family coming home form Greg’s high school graduation.)

Carol: Oh, Greg, we are so proud of you graduating with honors. Too bad your father was out of town and had to miss it.

NOTE: This explained why Mike was not in this episode. Robert Reed believed the script for this episode was so ridiculous he refused to appear in it.

Alice: I’ll take out the ice cream and cake so we can celebrate.

Carol: I’ll help, Alice.

Greg (to Marcia and Peter): Ha ha, can you believe it.

Peter: Have you decided what college you’re going to yet?

Greg (menacingly): No,. not yet. You two are just gonna have to wait and see who gets my room.

Oliver: I know what to do with your room, so they won’t have to fight over it.

Greg: What’s that, Oliver?

Oliver: Make it into a guest room.

Marcia: Who’d be the guest?

Oliver: Me, Cousin Oliver. (They frown at his idea) Gosh, it was only a suggestion.

(They all smile.)


S5 E21 The Hustler

The Hustler

Written by Bill Freedman and Ben Gershman

The Bradys receive a pool table as a gift from Mike’s boss. Bobby finds he has a real knack for the game. I hope you enjoy the script.












MR. MATTHEWS, Mike’s boss


MRS. MATTHEWS, Mr. Matthews’ wife

JOE SINCLAIR , Mike’s co-worker

HANK THOMPSON , another co-worker

(The episode begins with the boys playing basketball outside, with Oliver watching. He alerts them that a truck is pulling in their driveway.)

Oliver: Hey you guys, look.

(The truck stops and one of the drivers approaches them.)

Delivery Guy: Mike Brady live here?

Greg: That’s right.

Delivery Guy: Sign here.

Greg: What am I signing for?

Delivery Guy: These two crates.

Peter: Two crates of what?

Delivery Guy: We don’t x-ray them son, we just deliver them. Right?

Oliver: If you say so?

(Alice, Carol and the girls come out.)

Carol: What in the world is all this?

Greg: The man said it’s something for Dad.

Peter: But he doesn’t know what it is.

Cindy: Do you know what it is, Mom?

Carol: I didn’t order anything that big.

Alice: That crate is big enough to hold a dinosaur.

Oliver: Not really. Most pieces of dinosaurs were well over 30 feet long.

Jan: Oliver, is there anytihng that you don’t know?

Oliver: Yeah, what’s inside those crates.

Greg: And we won’t know until we open them up.

Peter: I’ll get a crowbar and a hammer.

Carol: Oh no, Peter. Whatever is in those crates belongs to your father. He’ll open them.

Bobby: Do you mean we have to wait till Dad gets home?

Carol: Right.

(The delivery men remove them from the truck and the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike and the guys opening the crates.)

Carol: Come on, Mike. The suspense is killing us.

Alice: I have already eaten 1,100 calories worth of fingernails.

Marcia: Dad, don’t you have any idea what it is or who it’s from?

Mike: I’m as much in the dark as the rest of you.

Bobby: Hurry up.

Mike: Okay, stand back. It’s coming. Here, stand back. There.

(They finally get the crates off and find a pool table.)

Greg: Hey, a pool table.

Peter: Wow.

(Greg laughs.)

Mike (confused): Who’d send me a pool table?

Greg: Let’s get this open.

Carol (to Mike): Honey, are you sure you don’t know anytihng about this?

Mike: Boy, the only thing I know for sure is that I don’t know for sure.

Alice: I don’t know anything about pool, but I do know that I will be behind the 8 ball if I don’t get dinner racked up. (Carol laughs) Excuse me.

(The next day, Mike is at the office. His boss, Mr. Matthews, comes in.)

Matthews: Good morning, Mike.

Mike: Hey, good morning, Mr. Matthews.

Matthews: Well, aren’t you gonna say something?

Mike: That’s a beautiful suit. Is that new?

Matthews: No, no, no. I mean, do you like it?

Mike: Do I like what?

Matthews: The pool table I sent you.

Mike: You’re the one. Mr. Matthews, my wife and I were up half the night trying to figure up where that came from.

Matthews: You mean they didn’t enclose the note that I wrote? A little poem.

Mike: I don’t know what to say. I mean, that’s an extravagant gift.

Matthews: Well, don’t be so modest, Mike. After all, those plans you drew up for the Whitley project, they landed this company a very lucrative contract and I just wanted to show my appreciation, that’s all.

Mike: Well, that’s, that’s very generous.

Matthews: I’m glad to do it. I’m a real pool nut and I hope that you are too.

Mike: Oh, I, I, I, am. How did you guess a pool table would be such a perfect gift?

Matthews: Ah, well, just chalk it up to experience. (He starts to laugh) Chalk it to experience. (They both have a laugh) Yeah, I thought so. I hope your wife shares your enjoyment of the game.

Mike: Oh, yeah, my wife is crazy about the pool table. Really crazy.

Matthews: You know, I got mine right smack to have it in the middle of the living room. Might not be a bad place for yours.

Mike: That’s a thought.

(At home, Mike suggests this to Carol.)

Carol: The living room?

Mike: It was just a thought.

Carol: Well, I have another thought. The garage for example.

(Cut to the garage, where Greg and Peter are playing. Peter unsuccessfully takes a shot.)

Peter: This cue stick must be crooked.

Greg: Your game’s not improving, but your alibis are.

Peter: Okay, let’s see you maki it, wiseguy.

(Bobby and Oliver come by.)

Greg: Look at that angle.

Bobby: It can be made.

Greg: Yeah, sure, by a pro.

Bobby: I bet I can make it.

Peter: This is pool, not tiddlywinks.

Bobby: I play at Steve’s house all the time, and I’m real good at pool. Right, Oliver?

Oliver: Yeah, he can even beat me.

Greg (handing him the stick): Okay, champ, let’s see you make it.

Peter: Yeah, show us how it’s done, hotshot.

(Bobby takes a shot and gets the ball in the pocket, much to Greg and Peter’s surprise.)

Oliver: Nice shot, champ.

Bobby: Thanks, Oliver. (to Greg and Peter) I told you it can be made.

Peter: Beginner’s luck.

Greg: Yeah, let’s see you do it again.

Peter: Yeah.

Greg: Why, I just did it.

(Later on, Mike and Carol are in the family room.)

Carol: Mike, I sure am happy we solved that problem with the pool table.

Mike: That’s funny. I was just thinking about that pool table.

Carol: Careful, either it stays in the carport, or I stay at my mother’s.

Mike: Now that’s tempting.

(Alice comes in.)

Alice: More coffee, anybody?

Carol: Thanks, Alice.

Mike: Me too. No, what I was thinking was, we ought to do something to show our appreciation for the gift.

Carol: Like.

Mike: Well, like, inviting him over for dinner and an evening of pool on the table he gave us.

Carol: Yeah, that would be a very nice gesture.

Alice: We might whip up something special in honor of the pool table. Meatballs with numbers on them.

(Mike laughs.)

Carol: Hey, how about carrot sticks whittled down to look like little pool cues.

Mike: You girls keep working on the menu, I’ll call Mr. Matthews.

(We bring you back to Mike’s office. Mr. Matthews is in his office speaking to him.)

Matthews: I want to thank you for that invitation for dinner on Saturday, Mike.

Mike: Oh, well, it’s our pleasure.

Matthews: Yeah, but, I’m afraid we’re gonna have to take a raincheck.

Mike: Oh, gee, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope nothing’s wrong.

Matthews: Only with my memory. When I made the engagement, I forgot that my wife had made another engagement. Yeah, I sure look forward to breaking in that new pool table of yours.

Mike: Well, it’s too late to cancel Hank Thompson and his wife for dinner.

Mike: Hank Thompson? In the engineering department?

Matthews: Yeah, yeah, I’d much rather shoot pool, but…

Mike: Why don’t you just ask the Thompsons to come over to dinner, too.

Matthews: Oh, no, it’s too big an imposition. But if you insist.

Mike: I’m sure Carol wouldn’t mind. What’s 2 extra people.

Matthews: That’s so nice of you. I’ll pass the word on to Hank. Thank you, thank you.

(Back home, Carol sends Marcia and Jan to the store to buy food for the dinner.)

Carol: Okay girls, here’s the list, and some money.

Marcia (reading the list): Hmmm. It’s like you’re planning a pretty fancy meal for Mr. and Mrs. Matthews.

Carol: Well, after all, Mr. Matthews is the president of Dad’s company.

Jan: Presidents sure do eat good, don’t they.

Carol: Yes, on second thought, here, take some more money. (The phone rings) wait just a minute, girls. (She answers the phone) Hello. (It’s Mike) Oh, hi, Mike.

Mike: Carol, listen, about this dinner on Saturday, are you planning to serve soup?

Carol: Yes I am, why?

Mike: Because you better figure on adding a little more water.

Carol: Huh?

Mike: The Thompsons are coming too. Mr. Matthews forgot he had a previous engagement with the Thompsons. So I said, look, why…

Carol: You said, I’m sure Carol won’t mind.

Mike: Yeah, how did you guess?

Carol: Because that’s what you always say. Bye, honey.

(Cut to outside, we see Bobby playing pool with Oliver watching. Cindy comes by on her bicycle.)

Oliver: Sh, you’ll have to park outside.

Cindy: What for?

Bobby: Cindy, you’re disturbing my concentration.

Oliver: That’s what for.

Cindy: And why do you need concentration to play a dumb game like pool?

Bobby: You wouldn’t think it’s so dumb if you knew the finer points of the game, like I do.

Oliver: Yeah, he’s terrific.

Cindy: Yeah, well I bet both Peter and Greg can beat you.

(Greg and Peter appear.)

Bobby: Are you kidding? I can beat those bums with one hand behind my back. Right, Oliver?

Oliver: With both hands tied behind your back.

(Cindy leaves and Greg and Peter approach Bobby.)

Greg: So, we’re bums, huh. One lucky shot and suddenly, he’s an expert.

Peter: What do you say we clobber the supermouth.

Greg: How about a game, champ.

Bobby: Okay, let’s make it 9 ball. That way I can beat you guys quicker.

Peter: You care to back up your insanity with a little bet?

Bobby: Any time. Name it.

Greg: How about, the loser shines the winner’s shoes for a month.

Oliver: Hey, that’s not fair. You guys have four feet and he’s only got two.

Bobby: Don’t worry about it, Oliver. You’re both on.

Oliver: I take half his action.

Greg: We’ll let you break. Where’s the rack?

Bobby (pointing): Over there.

(Bobby hits the ball with the stick and sinks many balls.)

Oliver (to Greg and Peter): I warned you guys.

Greg (to Peter): Anybody can sink a ball on a break.

(Bobby takes another shot. He sinks another ball, then another.)

Peter: Talk about dumb luck.

Greg: Don’t worry. He’ll miss.

Oliver: Yeah, but it might not be until tomorrow.

(Bobby sinks a few more balls. He finishes with the 8 ball, then the 9 ball.)

Bobby: I’ve got two more pairs of dress shoes up in my closet. I’d like them shined, polished and returned to me before 6 o’clock. (He hands them another pair) Be careful with these, they’re suede.

Peter (protesting): We got homework to do first!

Greg: Yeah, and you should be doing yours instead of practicing pool.

Bobby: Who cares about school, I’m gonna be the pool champ of the whole world.

(Oliver takes the balls out for Bobby to practice more. That night, Bobby is dreaming that he’s a professional pool player. The crowd greets and applauds him as Oliver and Cindy bring him his stick and chalk.)

Bobby: For my first fabulous shot, I will hit the yellow ball through all the red balls, across the table and into the side pocket. (He does so) For my next shot, I will hit the two yellow balls out from the middle of the red balls, knocking the two yellow balls into that corner pocket. (He succeeds on that shot) Next, in one shot, I will knock the six yellow balls into the six different pockets at the same time. (He does this successfully, as Cindy comes to him with a blindfold) And now, I will knock the three yellow balls into three different pockets at the same time, while blindfolded.

(After he does this, the audience cheers. Money falls down from the ceiling and Bobby says repeatedly, and more excitedly, that he’s rich. He even says so after the dream ends.)

Peter (waking him up): Bobby, Bobby, wake up, wake up.

Oliver: You were dreaming.

Bobby: Next time don’t wake me up.

Peter: Why not?

Bobby: Thanks to you, I just blew a million bucks.

(The scene fades.)

(In the next scene. Mike and Carol are in bed. They hear a knock on the door.)

Mike: Come in.

(It’s Greg. He enters.)

Carol: Hi.

Greg (smiling): I just wanted to let you know I was home.

Mike: Oh, good.

Mike: Good night.

Greg: Good night.

(He turns around to leave, then stops.)

Greg: Listen, I don’t like to squeal, but did you know Bobby’s out there?

Mike: Out where.

Greg: In the car port, practicing pool.

Carol: At this hour?

(Mike checks the time on the alarm clock.)

Mike: Practicing pool?

Greg: I tried to get him to come in, but he wouldn’t pay any attention.

Mike: I’ll get his attention. See what i can do with the other end of a pool stick.

(Bobby is still outside practicing pool. Mike comes out.)

Mike: Bob.

Bobby: Oh, hi, Dad.

Mike: You know what time it is? You shouldn’t be out here.

(He takes the pool stick and puts it away.)

Bobby: I’ve got to practice if I want to be champ.

Mike: Bob, look, I think it’s great that you’re practicing so hard, and you want to be good at it, but you got plenty of time without staying up all night. You got junior high school, you got high school, you got college and the rest of your life to be a pool champion.

Bobby: But, Dad.

Mike: That’s it. Okay.

Bobby: Well, if that’s it, I guess it has to be okay.

(Next, Marcia and Jan return from the market with more food.)

Marcia: Hi.

Carol: Oh, hi, girls, thanks so much for going to the market for me again.

Marcia: Oh, that’s okay. Old Mr. Schwartz was happy to see us.

Jan: He told us to tell you you’re his favorite customer. I think he loves you.

(Carol laughs.)

Marcia: We’ll put them away.

(Cut to Mike’s office. Mr. Matthews comes in to see him.)

Matthews: Mike, about that dinner at your house on Saturday night.

Mike: Oh, no problem, Mr. Matthews. I talked to Carol, boy, she’s delighted to have the Thompsons over too.

Matthews: Yeah, well, thank your little woman for me. But, I think we’ll have to call it off after all.

Mike: I’m sorry. What happened?

Matthews: Well, it turns out that Hank Thompson, who invited me and my wife, he also invited joe Sinclair, the fellow in blueprints, invited him and his wife.

Mike: Oh, I see.

Matthews: Sorry about that. Unless, of course.

Mike: What’s that?

Matthews: No, no, no, it’d be too big an imposition. Just forget about it.

Mike: What is?

Matthews: Asking the Sinclairs to join us for dinner. No, no, no, it’s out of the question, Mike. Just forget it. I mean it. I’m dying to see that pool table, but, too much work for Carol. So, forget it.

Mike: Mr. Matthews (He gives him a look of curiosity) Tell Thompson to bring over the Sinclairs, too.

Matthews: No, I don’t want to hear anytihng about it. Forget it.

Mike: No, please, I insist.

Matthews: You insist?

Mike: I insist.

Matthews: Oh, wonderful. Thank you.

(He leaves the office. Back at home, Carol picks up the phone.)

Carol: Hello. Oh, Mike. (She gives an irritated look) Don’t tell me, don’t tell me, you had to go and tell me. Yeah, it’ll have to be all right, I guess. Okay, bye. (She hangs up and without looking at Marcia and Jan) Girls.

Marcia: Don’t tell me. Back to the market again.

Jan: I think Mr. Schultz is gonna propose to you.

(Next, the girls, Peter and Oliver are leaving.)

Marcia: Good bye.

Carol: Bye, kids. Have a good time at the movies. Marcia, you drive carefully.

Marcia: I will.

Jan: Good bye, Mom.

Cindy: Bye.

Peter: Are you sure Bobby can’t come with us?

Carol: Honey, you heard your father. Bobby has a lot of homework to catch up on. (Oliver tries reaching for the salad they prepared) Uh, uh, uh, uh, you had your dinner. (They leave with the girls) Alice, (she hands her a cloth) thank you, these Swedish meatballs smell absolutley delicious.

Alice: I got the recipe from Mrs. Gonzalez.

Carol: Swedish meatballs from Mrs. Gonzalez? (She tastes it) Well, never lost a thing in a translation. (the doorbell rings) I’ll get it, Alice.

9Mr. Matthews, his wife and the other guests arrive. Mike and Carol greet them.)

Mike: (to Mr. Matthews): Hi, boss.

Matthews: Hi there, big fella. (to everyone else) Matthews is the name and pool is the game. Where is it, Mike?

Mike: It’s out back in the carport.

Matthews: The carport?

Mike: Well, we haven’t decided where to put it yet. Besides, out there all the neighbors can envy us.

(They laugh.)

Matthews: That’s a good idea. How about a little pool tournament before dinner, men?

Carol: I got some hors d’oeuvres ready, okay.

Matthews: Ladies go right ahead. Mike, will you lead the way.

Mrs. Matthews: Harry, can’t pool wait?

Matthews: I’m sure Carol doesn’t mind.

Carol (a little sarcastic): No, not at all.

Mike: Come on, fellas, we can have hors d’oeuvres outside.

Matthews (to his wife): Excuse me, Frances.

(We take you outside to the garage. Mr. Matthews is playing a game with Hank Thompson.)

Joe: It’s his shot, Mike. The boss hates to lose and he’s not as good as he thinks it is.

Mike: Don’t worry. He can beat me using an umbrella as a pool cue. Open.

(Matthews sinks a ball and almost sinks the white ball, but is lucky he doesn’t.)

Matthews: Okay, beat the kid and give me the dime.

Hank: He’s too good for me, fellas.

Matthews: All right, all right. Who’s the next victim.

Joe: I guess that’s me, Mr. Matthews.

(Next, we see Mr. Matthews and Joe Sinclair playing.)

Matthews: Start digging up that dime, Joe.

(Mr. Matthews wins the game against him. Joe takes a dime out of his pocket.)

Matthews: There you go.

Joe: Looks like there’s no beating him, fellas.

Matthews: Maybe Minnesota Fats won a lucky night. Next pigeon, please.

Mike: Well, I’m up.

(Mike goes to sink the 9 ball, but misses.)

Matthews: Good try, Mike. Step aside and watch the master drop it. (He goes to shoot and Bobby comes by.) Watch this one and weep. (He successfully sinks the ball) The winner and still company champion.

Hank: Great, boss.

Joe: Great.

(He applauds. Mike notices Bobby.)

Mike: Oh, gentlemen, my son, Bob. Bob, that’s Mr. Thompson.

Hank: How are you?

Bobby: Nice to meet you.

(He shakes his hand.)

Mike: And Mr. Sinclair.

Joe: Hi, Bob.

(They shake hands.)

Mike; And you remember Mr. Matthews.

Bobby: Yeah.

Mathews: Hello, Bobby. (He shakes his hand) Good to see you.

Bobby (to Mike): I’m done with my homework. Can I watch?

Matthews: Yeah, let him watch, Mike. I’ll show him some of the finer parts of the game. How do you like the pool table, son?

Bobby: It’s great, and I’m real good at it, too.

Matthews: That’s what I like in a boy. Self-confidence.

Bobby: I can beat all my friends, and my older brothers, and everybody.

Matthews: Is that so? Well, how about taking me on. I’ve run out of competition around here.

Bobby: I don’t think my Dad wants me to play.

Mike: Oh. (Mr. Matthews urges him) It’s all right with me.

Bobby: Thanks, Dad. (He gets a stick) Can we play 9 ball, Mr. Matthews?

Matthews: 9 ball? Hey, the kid knows the jargon. Well, you take it easy. Will you, son. Say, to make it interesting, how about a little bit. Say, a pack of chewing gum.

Bobby: Dad.

Mike: If you got enough left in your allowance.

Matthews: Okay, it’s a bet. Go ahead. It’s your break.

(Joe Sinclair racks up the balls for him. Bobby sinks many balls on his break.)

Matthews: That surely was a fine break, kid.

Bobby (calling): 1 ball in the corner pocket. (Bobby easily sinks the ball) 2 ball in the side pocket.

Matthews (repeating): 2 ball in the side pocket.

(Bobby successfully sinks the ball in the pocket. Mr. Matthews takes off his jacket.)

Bobby: 3 ball in the side pocket.

Matthews: 3 ball in the side pocket.

(Bobby sinks that ball.)

Bobby: Boy, this is fun.

Matthews: Yeah, yeah, this is fun.

Joe: Mike, if that was my kid, I’d break his arm.

Mike: Just luck.

(Next, Bobby and Mr. Matthews are playing their last game as Carol and Mrs. Matthews come out.)

Matthews (calling): 8 ball in the corner pocket.

(She shoots for it but misses.)

Carol: Sorry to break this up gentlemen but dinner is ready.

Matthews: Can’t it wait? This is an important match.

Mrs. Matthews: Harry, you can play after dinner.

Bobby: That’s okay. I can get these last two shots easy. 8 and 9 in the corner pocket. 8 first. (He hits the 8 ball, then the 9 ball. They go in the pocket) Thanks, Mr. Matthews, I really enjoyed it.

Matthews: Yeah, how many packs of gum do I owe you?

Bobby: Gee, I don’t know. Do you, Dad?

Mike: Oh, forget it, Mr. Matthews.

Matthews: No, I made a bet. I wanna pay up. Mike: Well, you bet on every shot, and you kept doubling. Right, Hank.

Hank: Right.

Mike: Well, that’s 256 packs of gum you owe Bobby.

Bobby: Well, your credit’s good. Good night, everybody.

Carol: Good night.

(Hank and Joe go inside.)

Joe: Let’s get washed up.

Hank: Yeah, right. Let’s see what our wives are up to.

Carol: See you inside.

Mrs. Matthews: You mean that little boy beat you at pool?

Mr. Matthews: Well, I had an off night. Besides, who can concentrate with all these crickets chirping?

Carol: Mr. Matthews, I think Bobby’s beating you was really just pure luck. Right, Mike.

Mike: Oh, sure, just a fluke.

Matthews: Who am I kidding? I was terrible, the kid was great. (to his wife) Frances, I want you to telephone first thing in the morning. Find a worthwhile charity to donate my pool table to.

Mrs. Matthews: Thank goodness. Maybe now I can get my piano back in the living room. Mike: Mr. Matthews, with your permission, I have an idea. Let us donate this table to a worthy charity.

Carol: As much as we like it, and appreciate the gift, we just don’t have the room for it.

Matthews: You know, maybe if I practice, and got some pointers from the kid.

Mrs. Matthews: Oh, that piano would’ve looked so perfect next to the piano.

Matthews: But I almost beat the boy. What are we waiting for, Frances? Let’s eat.

(They go outside to join the others.)

Carol: Well, honey, do you think we’ll get along without it.

Mike: We’ll just have to muddle though. Now I can get my car in the garage.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has yet another delivery for the Bradys with the same driver. Alice and Carol come out.)

Carol (upset): Oh, no. not again.

Alice: We just got rid of a pool table.

Delivery Guy: Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Right.

Delivery Guy: Sign here.

Carol: Can’t you take those back?

Delivery Guy: Afraid not. (to his partner) Brady package.

(He hands her a small package.)

Carol: Is this it?

Alice: It’s not one of those big cartons?

Delivery Guy: Nope. have a nice day. (to his partner) Let’s go!

(Carol notices something on the package.)

Carol: Alice, here’s a note.

(She laughs.)

Alice: what is it?

Carol: Dear Bobby, here are the 256 packages of gum you won in our pool game. Good chewing. Harry Matthews. (to Alice) Now, that’s really nice.


S5 E20 The Snooperstar

The Snooperstar

Written by Harry Winkler

Marcia teaches Cindy a lesson after she catches her reading her diary. I hope you enjoy the script.













(The episode begins with Peter out in the backyard, working on his bicycle. Bobby comes out to see him.)

Bobby: Hey Pete, I need that two dollars you owe me.

Peter: Sure, I’ll pay you back next week.

Bobby: But you said you’d pay you back this week.

Peter: That’s because Mark Saylon promised to pay me back last week. You’ll get it. don’t you trust me?

Bobby: No.

Peter (offended): Bobby, we’re brothers! Blood relatives!

Bobby: it’s not my fault we’re relatives.

(Cindy comes by.)

Cindy: Hi.

Peter: Hi.

Cindy: I heard you mention the word relative. Were you talking about me?

Bobby: Why in the world would we be talking about you?

Cindy: Well, if you weren’t talking about me, why did you stop talking when I came over?

Peter: Because if we wanted you to know what we were talking about, we wouldn’t have stopped talking about it. (to Bobby) Right?

Bobby: Right.

(She walks away and into the house. Greg is on the phone.)

Greg: Sounds great, Maxine. Sure, count me in. I’ll be there. That’s wild. (Cindy starts looking through some magazines and Greg is laughing) I should never expect that. Eh, hold on a second. (to Cindy) Is there something you wanted?

Cindy: No.

Greg: Do you mind? This is a private conversation.

Cindy: About me, maybe?

Greg: No, Cindy, it’s not about you.

Cindy: Then why can’t I listen.

Greg: I told you, it’s personal.

Cindy: Yeah, but am I the person that it’s personal about.

Greg (sternly): Cindy, out.

(She goes up to her room. Marcia is writing in her diary. When she sees Cindy, she stops writing and shuts it.)

Cindy: By any chance, were you writing about me in your diary?

Marcia: No, Cindy.

Cindy: Then why did you salm it shut like that?

Marcia: Because a diary happens to be personal.

Cindy: Well, if you weren’t writing about me, can I look?

Marcia: No.

Cindy: Someday when I get a diary, I’ll let you look.

Marcia; Thanks, Cindy.

Cindy: And as long as I’m letting you look, how about letting me look.

Marcia: Cindy.

(Cindy leaves the room and Marcia puts her diary away. She goes into the boys’ room and sees Oliver. He is laying on the top bunk and reading.)

Cindy: Oliver, do you know something about me that I don’t know?

Oliver: Not that I know of.

Cindy: Something funny’s going on in this house, and I’m gonna find out just what it is. Do you want to help me do some detective work?

Oliver (excited): Me, a detective?

Cindy: Shh, not so loud.

Oliver: Do I get to wear a badge?

Cindy: Not in this case. We’re private eyes.

Oliver: Wow, I ought to be a good private eye. I got four of them.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has mike getting dressed for work. She is choosing which tie to wear. Carol comes out from the bathroom.)

Carol (looking at one of the ties): Oh, how about this one. It’s my favorite.

Mike: Well, I’m not so sure it’s right for the day. No, I better choose thi one.

Carol: What’s so special about today?

Mike: A meeting with a client.

Carol: What is he, a tie freak?

Mike: Not a he, it’s a she.

Carol: Oh. What kind of a she is she?

Mike: Well, I tell you. Visualize the face of Liz Taylor. The body of Raquel Welch. And the bank account of Queen Elizabeth.

Carol: Poor thing. Too bad she’s a loser.

Mike: Uh huh. Detect a little note of jealousy there?

Carol: No. I was planning to spend the day at your office anyway.

(She takes his tie and tightens it around him.)

Mike: Hold it. Now listen, I was just kidding. Rich, she is. But any resemblance to Liz Taylor and Raquel Welch are totally nonexistent.

carol: Oh, that’s better.

(They kiss. There is a knock on the door.)

Mike: Come in.

(cindy and Oliver enter the room.)

Cindy: Mom, Dad, is there something going on around here that I should know about?

Mike: Like what?

Oliver: Well, that’s the part she doesn’t know about.

Carol: There’s nothing I know about that I think you should know about. (to Mike) Is there anything you know about that she should know about?

Mike: Nothing I know about?

Cindy: Are you sure?

Mike: Oh, listen, there is something I know about that you should know about.

Cindy and Oliver (in unison): What?

Mike: It’s school time and you’re late. Split.

(They leave the room.)

Carol: Bye.

Cindy: Bye.

Oliver: Bye. (They go out in the hall) Boy, we sure didn’t learn anything.

Cindy: We sure didn’t. I’ve got an idea.

Oliver: What?

Cindy: All the other kids left for school. Now you stand by, and I’ll see if Marcia wrote about me in her diary.

Oliver: Okay. What do I do if somebody comes by.

Cindy: Just whistle.

Oliver: Okay.

(She goes in the room while Oliver stands there. She takes Marcia’s diary out of the drawer and reads. Alice comes by and Oliver tries to whistle, but fails miserably.)

Alice: What are you trying to do, Oiver?

Oliver: I’m trying to whistle.

Alice: Oh, it’s easy. Just pucker up a little bit more. (She tries whistling but doesn’t do much better) Try it this way. (She does her signature whistle through her teeth)

Oliver: Gee, that’s terrific. Thanks, Alice.

(Cindy comes outside.)

Cindy: Oh, hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi. If you want to learn how to whistle, just check with me after school. Okay.

Oliver: Thanks, but I don’t need to learn anymore.

(Alice gives a puzzled look and walks away.)

Oliver (whispering): What did you find out?

Cindy: Nothing. She didn’t even mention me in her diary. It wa sjust some dumb poem she wrote.

Oliver: Well, I found out something.

Cindy: What?

Oliver: I don’t know how to whistle.

(Cut to Mike’s office. Mike is dealing with a very difficult client named Penelope Fletcher.)

Penelope: You are aware of the importance of my business to your firm, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Oh, I am, Ms. Fletcher. Yes.

Penelope: And you’re aware that I always do business with the president of your firm, Mr. Matthews, himself.

Mike: Yes, yes.

Penelope: I only agreed to deal with you because Mr. Matthews recommended you so highly.

Mike: I appreciate your confidence.

Penelope: And because he was gonna be out of town.

Mike: Ms. Fletcher, I’m sure these plans for the Penelope Fletcher Cultural Center are gonna be exactly what you wanted.

Penelope: I regret to tell you that they’re exactly what I don’t want.

Mike: Well, I drew the plans according to your specifications.

Penelope: I don’t care about specifications.

Mike: Well, I could show you my notes.

Penelope: Well, I’m not interested in notes. All I’m interested in is a design that will make the Penelope Fletcher Cultural Center a monument to its benefactor.

Mike: Well, uh, Ms. Fletcher.

Penelope: I will be leaving town Thursday night, Mr. Brady. You have until then to create a design that will be suitable. Otherwise, I shall take my business elsewhere.

(Back at home, Marcia is telling Jan about Cindy looking in her diary.)

Marcia: Not only is this bookmark in the wrong place, but I always keep my diary back under my phone book.

Jan: You really think someone’s been snooping.

Marcia: Positive, and I think the guilty party sleeps right in this room.

Jan: Hey, I sleep in this room.

Marcia: Jan, you don’t need to peek in my diary. I’m always reading it to you anyway.

Jan: Yeah, that’s true. But you can’t just come out and accuse Cindy of snooping. Not without proof.

Marcia: I’ll get proof. I’ll use a little bait and I’ll trap her.

Cindy (from the hallway): Hey. See you later, Oliver.

Jan: Get the cheese ready. Here comes the mouse.

(Cindy comes in and Marcia and Jan pretend to be looking in her diary and laughing. Marcia puts it back in the drawer.)

Marcia (to Jan): I’ll read the rest of it to you later. See you, Cindy, we’re going to the library.

(They leave the room and then enter Peter and Bobby’s room.)

Marcia: Passing through.

Jan: We got to use the bathroom.

Peter: You got a door on your side.

Marcia; it’s stuck.

(They close the bathroom door behind them.)

Bobby (to Peter): Now I know why hermits want to be hermits.

(They open the door to their room through the bathroom. They see Cindy reading the diary. They look at each other and shut the door.)

Marcia: what did I tell you?

Jan: Let’s catch her in the act.

Marcia: No. I’d rather teach her a good lsson for snooping.

Jan: How?

Marcia: Well, by writing something special in my diary. Something that will drive Cindy bananas.

(They laugh and then leave the bathroom and into the boys’ room.)

Marcia: Passing through.

Bobby: What is this, a freeway?

Jan: Oh, we just couldn’t stand being away from you two beautiful people.

(Peter puts a chair in front of the door to block them from coming in again.)

(Downstairs, Carol is in the kitchen making dinner and Mike comes in.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike (bitterly): I’ve never met a more aggravating woman in my entire life.

Carol: Well, forget what i was gonna ask you.

Mike: What?

Carol: How did it go at the office?

(Mike pauses, then tells his story.)

Mike: I’d like to call up Penelope Fletcher and tell her to…

Carol: Mike, what will happen if you blow the account?

Mike: I said I’d like to, I didn’t say i was going to.

Carol: Honey, why don’t you try reverse psychology. Mark Twain once said make friends with your enemies, it’ll drive them crazy.

Mike: Mark Twain never met Penelope Fletcher.

Carol: Mike.

Mike: Okay, but she just gained a friend, but you just lost a husband.

Carol: How come?

Mike: Because I’m gonna have to work night and day to come up with an acceptable plan by Thursday.

(Cindy looks in Marcia’s diary again.)

Marcia (in words she wrote): Something fantastic might be happening for Cindy. I don’t dare tell her because I don’t want her to get her hopes up too high. But I told all the other kids and Alice and I swore them to secrecy. More later.

(She puts the diary back and runs in the hall to tell Oliver.)

Cindy (excited): Something fantastic is gonna happen to me.

Oliver: What?

Cindy: I don’t know.

Oliver: Then how are we gonna find out?

Cindy: Well, Alice and the other kids know so we’ll cross-examine them.

Oliver: Well, won’t they get suspicious?

Cindy: Not if they don’t know we’re cross-examining them.

Oliver: Oh.

(Alice comes by with some shirts.)

Alice: What’s this, a secret conference?

Cindy: Oh, hi, Alice. Got some shirts there?

Alice: Yeah, I got some shirts, got some socks.

Oliver: Any secrets?

Alice: Secrets? What kind of secrets?

Cindy: Oh, a certain secret about to certain someone, who something fantastic is going to happen to.

Alice: Well, as a matter of fact, something fantastic is going to happen.

Cindy: What?

Alice: One of my goldfish is an expectant mother.

Oliver: Well, what’s so fantastic about that?

Alice: The mother to be is named Herman.

(She goes up to the attic to see Greg. Oliver starts to laugh.)

Oliver: Got any other brilliant ideas?

Cindy: Yeah, come on.

Oliver (defiantly): Now, wait a minute, what are you doing?

Cindy: You’ll see.

(They go into the closet. Alice comes in Greg’s room.)

Alice: Knock knock, Greg. Got some shirts for you, and some socks.

Greg: Thanks, Alice.

(Cindy takes a ladder to listen in on Greg and Alice.)

Cindy: We can hear everything that goes on in Greg’s room through this air vent.

Oliver: But, is it right to listen in?

Cindy: Sure, if they’re talking about me.

(Alice notices Greg looks depressed.)

Alice: From the look on your face, I’d say you have a problem.

Greg: I do. What would you do if you had two dates for the same night?

Alice: I’d faint.

Greg: Seriously, I’m in a real bind.

Alice: Yeah, I see your problem.

Greg: The problem is I don’t want either girl to get hurt.

Alice: Then why don’t you tell them both the truth.

Greg: Truth? Why tell a girl the truth?

(Alice throws the sock on his bed and leaves.)

Cindy: Another blind outing. Not a word about me.

Oliver: Boy, detectives on television never have it this hard.

Cindy: Maybe we can get something out of Peter and Bobby.

(Peter and Bobby are in the garage. They get their bikes to ride off.)

Peter: Here’s a down payment on the two bucks I owe you. Now, stop bugging me.

Bobby (frustrated): Only a quarter.

Peter (sarcastically): I’ll give you an I.O.U. for the rest.

Bobby: Whoever said it was right. Never lend money to a relative.

(Cindy and Oliver listen from outisde.)

Cindy: Nothing.

Oliver: What do we do now?

Cindy: Wait till tomorrow and see if Marcia writes anything else about me in her diary.

Oliver: Okay.

(Next, Marcia is in her room writing in her diary. Jan comes in the room.)

Jan: Hi.

Marcia: Hi. Boy, have I got an idea. This is gonna drive Cindy absolutely apes.

Jan: That’s the next step. She’s bananas already. (Marcia laughs) What’s the idea?

Marcia: Well, you know how she loves watching those old Shirley Temple movies on TV?

Jan: Do I ever. She thinks Shirley Temple’s the greatest.

Marcia: Right. Well, wait till Cindy reads this.

(We next see Cindy reading Marcia’s diary. Marcia’s voice says what she had written.)

Marcia: I talked to that talent scout again. The studio people loved the photo of Cindy I submitted. (Marcia and Jan look on from the bathroom) Wouldn’t it be fabulous if they picked Cindy to be the new Shirley Temple they’re looking for in that movie?

Cindy: The new Shirley Temple? (She gets up and looks in the mirror) Cindy Brady, the new Shirley Temple.

Jan (to Marcia): She’s hooked.

Marcia: But if you think she’s hooked now, wait till she reads the next entry.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Cindy coming in the room with Oliver.)

Cindy: I don’t want to get caught, so keep your eyes and your ears open.

Oliver: I’ll keep everything open.

(He goes into the hallway as Cindy takes Marcia’s diary and reads it. Again, we hear Marcia’s voice as she reads the words she wrote.)

Marcia: Cindy’s chances of starring in that movie are great. One of these days the talent scout is going to come over to the house to observe Cindy anonymously. I sure hope Cindy can sing and dance like Shirley Temple.

(She puts it back in the drawer and runs out in the hall to tell Oliver.)

Cindy: Oliver, the talent scout’s coming over here to see me anonymously!

Oliver (excited): Wow, that’s super!

Cindy: But I have to buy a Shirley Temple record album.

Oliver: What for?

Cindy: I have to start being Shirley Temple right away.

(The next scene has Cindy and Oliver asking Alice to borrow money.)

Alice: You need the money right now?

Cindy: Uh huh. I would ask Mom or Dad, but they’re not home, and this is a real emergency.

Alice: Well, I think we can float a small loan.

Oliver: And you don’t have to be worried about being paid back. Cindy’s gonna be rich and famous.

Alice: Oh, how’s that gonna happen?

Cindy: Alice, you don’t have to pretend anymore.

Alice: Pretend what?

Oliver: What you’re pretending.

Alice: What am I pretending?

Cindy: The same thing all the other kids are pretending.

Alice: What are they pretending?

Oliver: The same thing you’re pretending.

Alice (sarcastically): Oh, I’m certainly glad we got that cleared up. How much of a loan do you need?

Cindy: How much does a children’s record album cost/

Alice: Children’s record album?

Cindy: Mmm hmm, starring, you know who.

Alice: Is that the name of a new group?

Oliver: There she goes pretending again?

Alice: Pretending what?

Oliver: What you were pretending?

Alice: I’m not pretending (she gives a frustrated look) Just being me the change, would you?

Cindy: Thanks.

Oliver: Bye.

(Alice gives a confused look as Jan comes in her room.)

Jan: Marcia.

Marcia: Yeah.

Jan: Marcia, late bulletin. Cindy read your diary again.

Marcia: How did you find that out?

Jan: Indirectly from Alice. She wanted to borrow money to buy a record album starring you know who.

Marcia (laughing): Shirley Temple.

(They laugh hysterically. Greg comes in the room.)

Greg: Marcia, you’re supposed to return a book when you borrow it.

Marcia: Sorry Greg, it’s on the desk.

Jan: Can you imagine her learning those songs?

(They laugh some more.)

Greg: What’s so funny?

Marcia: Should we tell him?

Jan: Too good to keep.

Greg: Tell me what?

Marcia: It’s about Cindy.

Greg: What about her?

Jan: She thinks she’s gonna be… (laughing)

Greg: She thinks she’s gonna be what? Come on.

(Marcia tries to tell him but can’t stop laughing.)

Marcia: She thinks she’s gonna be the new Shirley Temple.

(They laugh some more.)

Greg (surprised): Shirley Temple?

(Mike comes home and sees Carol in the kitchen.)

Mike: Hi.

Carol: Hi, honey. (She kisses him) Uh oh, you got that Penelope Fletcher look again. What happened?

Mike: Well, she moved up the deadline on the plans. I don’t even have till Thursday to complete them.

Carol: When do you have to have them finished?

Mike: Tonight. She’s dropping by to pick them up on the way to the airport. She traded in her broom for a plane.

(Peter and Bobby are outside playing football.)

Bobby: Okay, go.

(Peter runs and Bobby throws to him.)

Peter: Almost.

(Bobby and Oliver come by with the record album.)

Peter: Hey, what’s in the bag?

Cindy; A record album.

Bobby: What kind?

Cindy: A round kind.

Olver: With a hole in the middle.

Bobby: Ha ha, very funny. (He tries to grab it) Let’s see it.

(She grabs it back.)

Peter: What’s the big secret?

Cindy: You know what the secret is.

Oliver: Yeah, and you guys better treat Cindy nice. She’s gonna be rich and famous, and I’m gonna help her.

Peter: What are you two gonna do, rip off a bank?

Bobby: Yeah, Bonnie and Clyde.

(They laugh.)

Cindy: Very funny.

Oliver: Yeah.

(Upstairs, Cindy is in her room. She shows Oliver the album.)

Cindy: Look closely. Do you see any resemblance?

Oliver: Well, you’re both girls.

Cindy: Yeah, but I bet if I curled my hair the same way, I’d bet we’d look a lot more alike. I got to learn these songs.

(Alice comes in the room.)

Alice: Hi, kids. Dinner’s gonna be a little late tonight. Your father’s got a very important client coming over tonight.

Cindy: An important client?

Alice: Yeah, I guess she’s something pretty special, so, be on your best behavior, will you?

(She leaves.)

Cindy (excited): You hear that, Oliver?

Oliver: Yeah.

Cindy: You know what it means?

Oliver: No.

Alice: It means that that client she’s talking about is really the talent scout that’s coming over to see me anonymously.

Oliver: It’s a good thing we bought that record.

Cindy: Yeah, now I got to really hurry and learn these songs. (She takes the record out to play) Just think, Oliver. Tonight, a star is born.

Oliver: Wow.

(Next, Jan and Marcia come see Cindy.)

Jan: Hey, Cindy, would you like to go to the library with us before dinner?

Cindy: Not me. I’m not giving up my whole career just for a walk to the library.

Marcia: What’s that supposed to mean?

Cindy: You don’t have to pretend anymore. I know all about the talent scout that’s coming over tonight to see me.

Jan: What?

Marcia: Tonight?

Cindy: I got to confess, I peeked in your diary and I know everything. That client Dad’s talking about is really the anonymous talent scout.

Marcia: You’re wrong, Cindy.

Cindy: I told you, you don’t have to pretend anymore.

Marcia: Look. Now, I’ve got a confession to make. I made up all those things in my diary just to teach you a lesson for snooping.

Cindy (sarcastically): Sure you did.

Jan: It’s the truth, Cindy. That woman that’s coming over here tonight is really a client of Dad’s.

Cindy: You’re just saying that so I won’t get my hopes up too high.

Marcia: Honest, Cindy, we’re not. That whole business about Shirley Temple is a put on.

Cindy: A put on, hey.

Marcia: Right, just to teach you a lesson. Do you understand?

Cindy: Yeah, I understand.

Marcia: Good. Now, don’t do anything.

Cindy: I won’t.

(They leave. Cindy goes into the bathroom.)

Cindy: Put on, huh. (She takes some stuff out and starts to fix her hair) Get ready, Shirley.

(Mike and Carol are in their room. They are preparing for Penelope Fletcher’s visit.)

Carol: Mike, now promise me you won’t get upset when Ms. Fletcher comes over for the plans. Okay?

Mike: Oh, I promise. If she’s sour, I’ll ignore her, if she’s disagreeable, I’ll smile, and if she’s insulting, I’ll laugh.

Carol: Good.

Mike: And then I’ll throw her out of the house.

(Downstairs, the doorbell rings and Alice answers it. It is Ms. Fletcher.)

Penelope: I’m Penelope Fletcher.

Alice: Good evening. Come in. Mr. and Mrs. Brady weren’t expecting you quite so soon. I’ll tell them you’re here.

Penelope: Thank you.

Alice: Is there anything I can get for you in the meanwhile?

Penelope: Yes, Mr. Brady. I’m in a hurry.

Alice: Yes, ma’am.

(She finds a picture of the kids on the coffee table.)

Penelope (counting): One, two, three, four, five, six? Dear.

(Cindy appears. She happily runs down the stairs, much to Ms. Fletcher’s surprise.)

Cindy: Good evening.

Penelope: And who might you be?

Cindy: I’m Cindy Brady. I’m the one you came to see.

Penelope: You’re the one I came to see?

Cindy: Yeah, you don’t have to pretend anymore. I know all about you. You’re anonymous.

Penelope: Indeed.

Cindy (singing): On the good ship lollipop, it’s a nice trip to the candy shop, where bom boms play, on the sunny beach in peppermint bay, boom, boom, boom. Lemonade stands every where, cracker jack bands fill the air, and there you are, happy landings on a chocolate bar.

(Carol and Mike come down the stairs and they see Cindy, along with Ms. Fletcher, singing in duet.)

Cindy and Penelope: Every where, cracker jack bands fill the air, and there you are, happy landings on a chocolate bar. See the sugar bowl do the tootsie roll With the big bad devil’s food cake
If you eat too much, ooh-ooh, you’re awake with a tummy ache. On the good ship lollipop
It’s a night trip, into bed you hop and dream away on the good ship lollipop.

(She almost loses her balance but is okay. Mike and Carol come in the living room.)

Mike: Ms. Fletcher, I don’t think you met my wife, Carol.

Penelope: How do you do?

Mike: Carol, Penelope Fletcher.

Carol: Hello, Ms. Fletcher. Cindy, what are you doing in that get up?

Cindy: This was my big chance so I got all dressed up.

Carol: What for?

Penelope: This child seems to be under the impression that I’m a talent scout looking for a new Shirley Temple.

Mike: A talent scout?

Carol: Shirley Temple?

Penelope: Oh, the cherished memory she just brought back. Shirley Temple, that adorable, little golden hair type. How I adored her. What a marvelous time of life I just relived. Oh, I’m sorry to get so carried away. I have a plane to catch. Good bye (to Cindy) Good bye, dear little curly top, thank you, thank you for a wonderful evening.

Mike: Ms. Fletcher, the plans. (He hands them to her)

Penelope: Oh, yes.

Mike: I think it’s exactly what you want.

Penelope: Oh, it doesn’t matter anyway.

(She leaves singing the song over again.)

Carol (to Cindy): Young lady, there better be a good explanation for this.

Cindy: That’s what I was just thinking.

(Mike and Carol are talking to the girls in the family room.)

Mike: You know, just because this had a happy ending doesn’t make it right to snoop. Now, is that clear, Cindy?

Cindy: Yeah, I learned my lesson. I’m not gonna snoop anymore.

Marcia: We’re finished with tricks like that, too.

Jan: We sure are.

Carol: Okay, let’s keep it that way.

(The girls leave the family room.)

Carol (to Mike): I hope you learned your lesson, too.

Mike: What’s that?

Carol: Well, next time you have to deal with Penelope Fletcher, just do your Shirley Temple imitation.

(Mike laughs. They both sing the first line to On The Good Ship Lollipop. The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Marcia studying in the family room. Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Hi, Marcia.

Marcia: Hi.

Cindy: Here’s a present for you.

Marcia: A present? Wow.

(She opens it and finds it is a diary.)

Marcia: Cindy, I appreciate it, but I already got a diary.

Cindy: Not one with a lock on it.

Marcia: What do i need a lock for? You said you weren’t gonna snoop anymore.

Cindy: Yeah, but it’s a girl’s privilege to change her mind, and I’m afraid I might.

(The scene fades.)


S5 E19 Top Secret

Top Secret

Written by Howard Ostroff

An F.B.I. agent comes to give Mike clearance on a government project he is working on. Bobby has a delusion that Mike is working undercover. I hope you enjoy the script.














MR. GRONSKY, Sam’s landlord

(Bobby is putting up a deck of cards while Oliver watches. After he finishes, they all fall down. The doorbell rings.)

Carol: I’ll get it, boys.

(She answers.)

Sanders: Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Yes.

Sanders: Fred Sanders, Special Agent, Federal Bureau Investigation.

Carol (shocked): The F.B.I.?

Sanders: Yes ma’am. Is Mr. Brady home?

Carol: Yes he is. step in please, right this way. (She leads him to the den) Oh, this is my son Bobby and my nephew Oliver. This is Mr. Sanders.

Bobby: Are you really an F.B.I. agent?

Sanders: That’s right, son.

Oliver: Well, who’s in trouble?

Sanders: Nobody is in trouble, young man.

Carol: I think my husband is in the den. This way.

(They head over to the den.)

Oliver: Wow, the F.B.I., right here in our house.

Bobby: I wonder what in the world he wants to see my Dad for.

Oliver: Well, if your Dad’s involved with the F.B.I., it’s got to be something really big.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Sanders in Mike’s den. They are discussing a federal building Mike is working on.)

Sanders: I’m sorry to bother you, Mr. Brady, but I have to clear up a couple of minor points on the form you filled out for your security clearance.

Mike: Oh.

Carol: Security clearance?

Mike: Relax, honey. We’re designing a building for a classified government project. And I have to be cleared by the agency before I can work on it.

Sanders: It’s just routine, Mrs. Brady. The law requires it.

Carol: Aw, shucks, I was hoping Mike was an international spy.

(Next, Mr. Sanders is leaving.)

Sanders: Thanks for your co-operation, Mr. Brady.

(They shake hands.)

Mike: Oh, happy to be of service, Mr. Sanders.

Sanders: And nice meeting you, Mr. Brady.

(He shakes her hand.)

Carol: You too.

Mike: Bubby.

(Mr. Sanders leaves.)

Carol (to Mike): Honey, what is it about those three letters, F,B,I, that always make me nervous.

Mike (jokingly): Obviously it’s a guilty conscience. Want to tell me about your sorted past?

Carol: I do not.

(Bobby and Oliver come up to them.)

Bobby: What’s up, Dad?

Oliver: Are you working for the F.B.I., Uncle Mike?

Mike: Hold, hold it, you two, no. I’m not working for the F.B.I., so don’t let your imaginations run away with you, huh.

Bobby: Then why was the F.B.I. agent here?

Mike: Bob, it was just a routine visit on a routine matter on a routine job I’m doing for the government.

Carol: Right, and he just wanted to ask your father some routine questions?

Oliver: About what, routine spies?

Mike: Huh, sorry boys, no spies, just a security clearance.

Bobby (thrilled): Security clearance?

Oliver: Wow.

Mike: No, no, there’s no wow about it, now. It’s nothing, so let’s forget about it. Okay.

(Mike and Carol walk away. Bobby and Oliver are still puzzled. Oliver taps Bobby and motions for them to step aside.)

Oliver (to Bobby): You know why he wants us to forget it?

Bobby: No, why?

Oliver: Because it must be a secret F.B.I. thing.

(Greg and Peter come down the stairs with the basketball.)

Greg (to Peter): Have you been practicing?

Peter: Yeah.

Oliver: Here comes Greg and Peter.

Bobby: Keep it cool about the F.B.I., huh.

Greg: Hey, you guys want to play basketball?

Bobby: No, thanks.

Oliver: we got more important things to do.

Peter: Like what?

Bobby: Nothing.

Greg: If it’s nothing, how can it be important?

Bobby: Let’s go, Oliver.

(He takes his arm to go upstairs. Peter stops them.)

Peter: Hey, come on. You open the can and I’ll spill the beans.

Oliver: We can’t, it’s a big secret.

Bobby: Oliver, I told you to play it cool.

Oliver: What do you mean? I didn’t say anything about the F.B.I. man coming over here to see us.

(bobby looks annoyed.)

Greg: An F.B.I. man was here, in our house?

Peter: Come on, you two, quit stalling. Spill it.

Oliver: Okay, but you have to keep it top secret. Even Uncle Mike and Aunt Carol are trying to pretend that it neve rhappened.

Greg: What never happened?

Bobby: Well, it’s possible that Dad’s working on an assignment for the F.B.I.

Greg: Now I got a secret for you two.

Bobby: What?

Greg: Come here. (He beckons them close to his face) You’re nuts.

(They laugh and walk off. Alice is taking a pot out of the oven. She is joined in the kitchen by Carol and Marcia,)

Carol: Oh, Alice. Smells delicious. What is it?

Alice: Well, it’s Monday’s corn beef, Tuesday’s rice, Wednesday’s mushrooms and Thursday’s tomatoes.

Marcia: What do you call a dish like that?

Alice: Friday’s mess.

(They laugh and Sam comes in.)

Sam (waving): Hi, everybody.

(They all say hi.)

Carol: Did we order any meat, Sam?

Sam: Not today, Mrs. Brady. This is a personal visit.

Alice: Oh, well, more personal the better.

Sam: I have a favor to ask Mr. Brady.

Alice: That wasn’t the kind of personal I had in mind.

Carol: A favor of Mr. Brady?

Sam: Yes, but I’d rather not discuss it at this time.

Alice: Can you give us a hint?

Sam: Well, I can tell you this much, when the proper time does come, Alice, you’ll be the first to know. Is Mr. Brady home?

Carol: Oh, yes, he’s in the den, Sam, go right on in.

Sam: Thanks.

(He heads to the den. He leaves the women in suspense.)

Alice: I wonder what it is I’ll be the first to know about.

Marcia: He said it was something personal.

Carol: Requiring a favor of Mr. Brady.

Alice: Mr. Brady is an architect, and architects build things, like houses, honeymoon cottages.

Marcia: Alice, you don’t suppose.

(Sam sees Bobby and Oliver sitting on the steps leading to the den.)

Sam: Hi, fellas. How come you guys haven’t been by the butcher shop lately.

Bobby: Well, we’ve been busy.

Oliver: Yeah, and we’re gonna be even busier.

Sam: Hmm, sounds like you’re working on a pretty big project.

Oliver: Yeah, big.

Sam: Well, I’m working on a big project myself. That’s why I got to see your uncle.

Bobby: What kind of project, Sam?

Sam: Sorry, can’t talk, top secret stuff. See you later, guys.

(Cut back to the kitchen.)

Alice: I’m being carried away. It can’t be.

Carol: Why not?

Alice: I’ve jumped to that conclusion before, and I always fell flat on my rope chest. Nope, I refuse to think about it.

Marcia: Alice, how could you not think about it?

Alice: Will power. I have always been wrong before, and so I won’t think about it.

Carol: You have to be right sometime.

Marcia: And this could be the time.

Alice: Let’s think about it.

(Meanwhile, Bobby and Oliver do some thinking of their own in the living room.)

Oliver: Top secret stuff. Maybe he’s on the F.B.I. mission with Uncle Mike.

Bobby: Oliver, Sam’s a butcher.

Oliver: Hey, what a fantastic cover for an F.B.I. agent. Nobody in the whole world would suspect a butcher.

Bobby: You did.

(We take you to Mike’s den.)

Mike: Well, what’s the favor you need, Sam?

Sam: Well, I need some plans, Mr. Brady. You see. the store next to mine is vacant. and Mr. Gronsky, he’s my landlord, he told me, if I want to enlarge, he’s gonna give me first shot at it. But I have to let him know by Friday.

Mike: Wow, why so soon?

Sam: Well, Gronsky’s got other tenants waiting. You see, but I don’t want to make a decision until I see some plans so I get an idea what it’s gonna cost me. Now, I’d be delighted to pay you for this, Mr. Brady.

Mike: No, that’s no problem, Sam. I mean, Friday’s a bit soon, but’ look, I’ll tell you what I could do, I could make you some very preliminary sketches, and some very rough estimates of what it might cost you by then.

Sam: Oh, gee, that’s terrific, Mr. Brady. That’s great. And one more little favor if I could impose on you, I want you to keep this kind of strictly confidential between us. You see, if this goes through, I want to surprise Alice, let her know I’m a big meat mogul.

Mike: I won’t say a word.

Sam: Oh, great, Mr. Brady. Oh, here, I’d like to show you a couple ideas that I have here. (He lays out a plan on Mike’s desk) Just a couple of little sketches that I made that might help you.

(He points a few ideas as we head up to the girls’ room. Jan is looking in the mirror with Cindy looking on.)

Jan: What can I do to look older?

Cindy: Worry a lot about looking older.

(Marcia comes in the room bursting.)

Marcia (excited): Wait till I tell you the fantastic news.

(Jan and Cindy come up to her.)

Jan: What?

Marcia: You have to keep it a secret.

Cindy: Oh, I love keeping secrets more than anything.

Marcia: You mean you love telling secrets more than anytihng.

Cindy: Oh, come on, I’m older now. You can trust me.

Marcia: How can I be sure?

Jan: Oh, Marcia, trust her already. Or we’ll all bust.

Marcia: Okay, but not a word to anyone. It looks like Sam is finally gonna ask Alice to marry him.

Cindy (excited): That’s great.

Jan: That’s great. How do you know?

Cindy: Did Sam say so?

Marcia: He didn’t have to.

Jan: Did Alice say so?

Marcia: She didn’t have to.

Cindy: Did Mom say so?

Marcia: She didn’t have to either.

Jan: Then who told you they wer egetting married?

Marcia: Nobody.

Jan: That’s good enough for me.

Cindy: Me too.

Marcia: I can’t believe it.

Jan: That’s great.

(Alice is hanging some laundry in the backyard. Bobby and Oliver are hiding in the bushes.)

Bobby: You know, Oliver, you could be right.

Oliver: Well, sure, it all adds up.

Bobby: Yeah, well we better find out more about Sam first. Alice is the person to ask.

Oliver: Like a gorilla.

Bobby: You gotta take it smooth, so she doesn’t know anything.

Oliver: Boy, you sure do know how to operate.

Bobby: Thanks. I used to watch Mission Impossible a lot.

(They go over to Alice.)

Oliver: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi, kids.

Bobby: Hey, you know, we just ran into Sam. What a great guy Sam really is.

Oliver: Yeah, Sam’s super.

Alice: Well, I’m sure he’ll be glad to know he’s got a fan club.

Bobby: How did you happen to meet such a fantastic guy?

Alice: I met him at a dance while he was in the army. I still got a scar on my ankle from those combat boots.

Oliver: Hmm, Sam was in the army, huh..

Alice: Mmm hmm.

Bobby: Did he happen to be in Intelligence?

Oliver: Where all the spies hang out.

Alice: As a matter of fact, I don’t know what Sam did in the army. He never mentions it.

Bobby: Well, I bet you know a lot other things about him. Right?

Alice: Only the important things.

Bobby: Like what?

Alice: Six feet tall, and two hundred pounds of unbudgeable bachelor. Anything else is trivia.

(The next day, Bobby and Oliver visit Sam at his butcher shop.)

Bobby: Hi, Sam.

Oliver: Hi, Sam.

Sam: Hey hey, hiya, kids. What can I do for you?

Bobby: Do you have an order of meat for us to pick up for Alice?

Sam: No.

Bobby: Oh, well, we just thought we’d come by to make sure that you didn’t have one.

Oliver: Well, what’s new, Sam?

Sam: Oh, nothing, what’s new with you?

Bobby: Alice was telling us you were in the army.

Sam (chuckling): Oh, she did, huh.

Oliver: I bet you were a big hero.

Sam: Well, I did my share.

Oliver: Is that all?

Bobby: We kind of expect that you did something really important.

Sam: Say, how would you guys like to hear how I stole the enemy codebook single handed.

Bobby (amazed): You did?

Sam: You betcha. It was in the middle of this enemy camp, see, surrounded by guns and tanks and planes and whatever. I had to overpower three guards to bust in.

Oliver: With karate, huh. (He demonstrates some karate chops.)

Sam: Right. Karate, jujitsu, kung fu, the works. A chop here, a kick there. They never knew what hit them. Then I grabbed the codebook and I took it on the run.

Bobby: Didn’t they capture you?

Sam: Not Sly Sam, pal. I simply borrowed a uniform from one of the guards that I clobbered and I waltzed out. Easy as a pin.

Bobby: Wow. I bet you got a medal for that.

Oliver: Can we see it?

Sam (pondering): Oh, sorry fellas. You see, it was a top secret mission, now, if they gave medals for a thing like that, it wouldn’t be top secret anymore. Now, would it.

Oliver: That’s right.

(He points his finger to his head meaning it was smart. Mr. Gronsky comes in.)

Sam: Oh, hi, Mr. Gronsky. Excuse me, will you, fellas. I got some important business.

Gronsky: You got the plans from Brady yet?

Sam: He won’t have them till Friday.

Gronsky (annoyed): Friday is the deadline, Sam. So if you want to enlarge your…

(Sam interrupts.)

Sam: Would you step over here a minute, Mr. Gronsky? (They move a little further from the boys) I don’t want those Brady kids to hear about this, or they might tell Alice.

Bobby (to Oliver): They’re talking about the plans.

Oliver: Yeah, then that guy must be a spy, too.

Bobby: Yeah, for the other side. He wants Sam to get the plans away from my Dad.

Oliver: But if that guy is the enemy, Sam must be, too.

Bobby: That’s right, and if he is, then Sam’s working secretly against my Dad. You know what, Oliver?

Oliver: What?

Bobby: Sam’s a double agent.

(They look at him in disbelief as Sam is talking to Mr. Gronsky. The scene fades away.)

(The next scene has Bobby and Oliver coming into their room. Greg and Peter are in there studying and notice them looking around suspiciously.)

Peter: What are you doing?

Bobby: Listen, you guys. Oliver and I think we’re on to something really big and we want to know what you think about it.

Greg: About what?

Oliver: About Sam, the butcher.

Peter: What about Sam?

Bobby: Well, you see, we think he’s working for the F.B.I. and the enemy. He’s a double agent.

Greg: You mean you think he’s selling hamburger to both sides.

(He and Peter laugh.)

Oliver (angry): Come on, we’re serious, you guys!

Peter (laughing): Yeah, seriously sick in the head.

Greg: Hey, why don’t you guys just get off this stupid spy kick.

Bobby: Well, look at the evidence. The F.B.I. comes over to see Dad, then Sam comes over to see Dad about some top secret plan, then today we see this suspicious looking guy in Sam’s butcher shop asking Sam if he got the plan away from Dad yet.

Oliver: Yeah.

Bobby: So Sam must must be secretly working against Dad and the F.B.I.

Oliver: It figures, doesn’t it.

Greg: You know, Pete, I think these two guys may be on to something big at that.

Peter: I think you’re right.

Bobby: What should we do about it?

Greg: Well, you’re gonna have to have enough evidence on Sam to make a conviction stick if they nab him, see.

Oliver: Well, how do we do that?

Greg: The old talcum powder routine.

Bobby: What’s that?

Greg: Come here. (He goes into the bathroom and gets some powder) You see, talcum powder leaves traces in the hair and clothing under certain conditions.

Bobby: What kind of conditions?

Greg: These.

(Greg pours powder on their heads. He and Peter laugh and exit the room.)

Bobby: What a dirty trick.

Oliver: You just can’t trust anybody over 12.

(Sam calls Mike when he is about to leave for work.)

Mike (answering the phone): Hello. Ah, good morning, Sam.

Sam: Good morning, Mr. Brady. I just called up to see if the plans were ready today.

Mike: They’re all ready. I finished them last night.

Sam: Oh, that’s terrific, Mr. Brady. Say, is it okay if I stop by this afternoon and pick them up?

Mike: Sure, I’ll leave them on my drawing board in my den with your name on the envelope.

Sam: Gee, I certainly appreciate this, Mr. Brady. And I want you to know that no matter what it costs, I wanna pay for it.

Mike: Don’t worry about it, Sam. just give me my meat wholesale. Okay. Bye.

(He hangs up.)

Carol: Mike, what is all this business between you and Sam?

Mike: Honey, Sam asked me specifically not to mention it to anybody and I promised him I wouldn’t, I gave him my word. You wouldn’t want me to violate that confidence, would you?

Carol: Yes.

Mike: No.

(Alice is in Mike’s den. She notices the envelope he left for Sam.)

Alice (calling): Mrs. Brady, Mrs. Brady.

(She motions to Carol through the window to come in the den.)

Carol (coming in): What is it, Alice?

Alice: There’s an envelope here with Sam’s name on it.

Carol: Yes, I know. Mr. Brady left it for Sam to pick up.

Alice: Did he give you any kind of inkling of what might be inside?

Carol: Not an ink. It’s clammed up like an oyster. Alice, I’m dying to know what’s inside.

Alice: You’re dying, I’m halfway through rigor mortis.

Carol: Well, do you think you should take a little peek?

(Alice ponders for a second.)

Alice: No, I better not. I mean, that’s Sam’s private business and if two people are gonna have any kind of relationship at all, they’ve got to learn to respect each other’s privacy and trust. (She accidentally knocks the envelope on the floor, then snaps her finger in frustration) Nothing fell out.

Carol: I’ll get it, Alice. (She picks it up but it falls again) Whoops, dropped it. They sure don’t make flimsy envelopes like they used to.

(Alice picks it up.)

Alice: Well, whatever’s in there, I hope it’s got a white, picket fence around it.

(Next, the girls come into the kitchen. They are arguing about something.)

Marcia: Mom, we can’t decide on something, so would you please be the tiebreaker?

Carol: What tie am I breaking?

Jan: Well, we pulled our money, but we can’t decide on a wedding gift for Alice and Sam.

Carol: Oh, now, that’s very sweet of you kids. But we’re not even sure about the wedding yet.

Marcia: Well, just in case. I think we should get them something nice like a kitchen appliance.

Jan: I think they’d appreciate a clock radio.

Carol: What do you think, Cindy?

Cindy: I think we should get them something they really need.

Carol: What?

Cindy: An electric popcorn popper.

Jan: I can see you plan to visit them a lot.

Marcia: Yeah, what do you vote for, Mom?

Carol: None of the above. When it comes to weddings, hold your horses until you’re sure about the groom.

(Sam arrives.)

Sam: Hi, everybody. (They all say hi to Sam) Say, I just stopped by to pick up some plans that Mr. Brady left for me in his den.

Carol: Oh, yes, we’ve been expecting you, Sam. Anything special in those plans?

Sam: Very special. Is it okay if I go get them?

Carol: Oh, sure, go right ahead. They’re on Mr. Brady’s desk, in a very strong envelope.

Sam: Oh, thank you.

(He goes for the plans.)

Carol: He’d be so nice to throw rice at, wouldn’t he.

(The girls agree. Sam goes in the den as Bobby and Oliver come down the stairs. They hear a noise from the den, which is Sam dropping a book by accident, while taking the plans. They come inside and see him putting the book back.)

Sam: Oh, hi, fellas. I just stopped by to pick something up. I’ll see you guys later, I’m kind of in a hurry.

Bobby (to Oliver): Boy, talk about cool. You see that, he just waltzes in, grabs the plans, and then waltzes right out.

Oliver: That proves it. Sam’s a double agent.

Bobby: Yeah. There’s only one thing to do. You got to warn my Dad.

(They go over to the telephone and Bobby starts dialing.)

Oliver: I only wish we had a push button phone.

Bobby (on the phone): Hello, is Mr. Brady there? Oh, he did (leave)? Oh, no, no message. I’ll call back. (to Oliver) He just stepped out of his office. We’ll have to call back.

(Later on, Mike is back in his office. He gets another phone call.)

Mike: Hello. Oh, yeah, Sam, did you get the sketches?

Sam: I sure did, Mr. Brady, but me and Mr. Gronsky here, we’re confused about a couple of things.

Mike: Oh yeah, what’s that?

Sam: Now, if we knew, we wouldn’t be confused, would we. I mean, we just don’t understand a couple of these fancy sketches.

Mike: Well, look, Sam. I’m just leaving now. Why don’t I drop by in say half an hour. We’ll see if we can straighten it all out.

Sam: Oh, that’ll be terrific, Mr. Brady. I really appreciate it. Bye.

Mike: Bye.

(They hang up.)

Sam (to Gronsky): He’ll be here in half an hour.

Gronsky: Good, I’ll come back. I want to get this thing settled today.

Sam: Fine, fine.

(Back at home, Bobby tries to call Mike once again.)

Bobby: Hello, did Mr. Brady get back? This is his son again? He left again? Did he say where he was going? It’s really important. Oh, thanks, bye. (to Oliver) Boy, have we got a big problem.

Oliver: What?

Bobby: Dad’s on his way to the butcher shop, and if Sam gets ahold of him, we gotta cut him off.

(At the butcher shop, Sam is cutting some meat. Bobby and Oliver rush down there.)

Sam: Hey, hiya fellas. What can I do for you?

Bobby: Has my Dad been here yet?

Sam: Not yet, but I’m expecting him any minute. (He chops the meat again, scaring the guys a little) Oh, that reminds me, I never finished that army story I was telling you stories when you were in here before. Let’s see, uh, where did I leave off? Uh, oh, I remember, I’ve stolen the code book, and I was on my way back to the platoon, see. When suddenly, this enemy general pops up right in front of me, but before he can get his gun, (He puts down his meat cleaver) choppo.

Bobby: Choppo?

Sam (repeating his act) Choppo. I took him completely by surprise. So you see, fellas, if you’re ever in a jam, the element of surprise is your best weapon.

Bobby: Surprise, huh.

(Mr. Gronsky comes back.)

Sam: Oh, hi, Mr. Gronsky.

Gronsky: Hello, Sam. Did that Mr. Brady show up yet?

Sam: Not yet, but I’m expecting him any minute, any minute.

Gronsky: All right. Listen, while we’re waiting, I’ll check out that freezer you were complaining about.

Sam: Good idea. (to the boys) Excuse me a minute, will you, fellas.

Bobby (to Oliver): They must be planning to jump my Dad and lock him up in the freezer.

Oliver: Yeah.

Bobby: Remember what Sam just said, the element of surprise is your best weapon.

Oliver: Yeah.

Bobby: And we got a surprise for them. Come on. Okay, on 3. 1,2,3.

(They shut the freezer door and Oliver locks it. Sam and Mr. Gronsky are inside wondering why they did such a thing. Mike arrives.)

Bobby: Quick, Dad, call the F.B.I.!

Oliver: Sam’s a double agent!

Mike: Say what?

Sam: He sold the plans to Gronsky!

Oliver: And they’re gonna freeze you.

Mike: Hold it, hold it, boys, what’s going on? (Sam and Mr. Gronsky knock on the door from the inside) what are they doing in the freezer?

Bobby: We locked them in there to save you!

Oliver (pushing him back): You got to get out of here, Uncle Mike.

Mike: I don’t believe this.

(He opens the freezer to let the men out. They come out very cold. Bobby and Oliver look at each other.)

(Next, Sam and Mr. Gronsky laugh heartily.)

Sam: How about that, me a spy.

Gronsky: Me a spy too.

Sam: Yeah, but you’re just an ordinary spy. I’m a double agent.

Mike: Oh, boys, boys, how in the world can you boys believe something like that?

Bobby: Well, we didn’t at first.

Oliver: But, then it got easier.

Sam: I think it’s partly my fault, Mr. Brady. Those army stories I told them were a little exaggerated.

Mike: Well, maybe so, but I hope you boys understand what can happen when you jump to conclusions without getting all the facts.

Oliver: Well, no jumping for me anymore, Uncle Mike.

Bobby: Me neither.

Mike: And locking somebody in the freezer, you know that can be dangerous.

Bobby: Well, we were just gonna keep them in there until you came.

Mike: Well look, don’t lock anybody in anytihng, anymore. Okay.

Bobby: Okay, we won’t. (to Sam) Are you sure you’re not mad at us.

Sam: No, it’s okay, fellas.

Gronsky: Yeah, forget it boys. (to Sam) Me, a spy. (they laugh) Wait till I tell my wife and kids.

Mike (to Sam and Mr. Gronsky): I’m sorry about the whole thing, fellas.

Sam: Oh, that’s okay, Mr. Brady. But I’ll tell you one thing. This is one spy who’s glad he came in from the cold.

(He and Mr. Gronsky laugh. The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Alice vacuuming the living room. She stops it to answer the door. It’s Sam.)

Alice: Oh, hi Sam.

Sam: Hi, Alice. I just stopped by to drop this envelope off for Mr. Brady.

Alice: Sam, you and I have been going together for too long to keep secrets from one another.

Sam: Yeah, I’m sorry, Alice, but I’m just not ready to reveal my secret just yet.

Alice: You implied that I was involved in what was going on.

Sam: Well you are, in a way.

Alice: Then I insist on knowing.

Sam (protesting): Alice!

Alice: I not only insist, I demand…

Sam: Oh, come on, okay, okay. I’m thinking of enlarging my butcher shop and Mr. Brady drew up these plans for me. Uhhh.

Alice (surprised): That’s the big secret?

Sam: So, now you know.

Alice (frustrated): I don’t want to know.

(She takes the vacuum and resumes vacuuming.)

Sam: What do you mean you don’t want to know? Alice, look, we’re not just nestled for ground round. Think of czech briard.

(Alice continues vacuuming as Sam rants on about his achievement.)


S5 E18 Two Pete’s In A Pod

Two Pete’s In A Pod

Written by Sam Locke and Milton Pascal

Peter’s new friend Arthur looks exactly like him. I hope you enjoy the script.












ARTHUR, Peter’s friend and lookalike

MICHELLE, Peter’s girlfriend

PAMELA, Mr. Phillips’ niece

(The episode begins at Fillmore Junior High School. Peter is pursuing Michelle, a pretty girl he likes.)

Peter: Think it over real hard. Please, for me.

Michelle: Maybe.

Peter: It’s a costume party. You’ll have lots of fun. Everybody has to be there in a costume. I’m going as Dracula.

Michelle: Well, I’ll think it over. Okay?

Peter: Come on, Michelle, you just got to say yes.

Michelle: Well, I kind of have a date that night.

Peter: Well, you’ll have a much better time at the costume party with me. I’m charming, witty, handsome and very modest. (She laughs) Besides, I’ve been trying to date you practically all semester, and I’m getting a rejection complex.

Michelle; Well, in the interest of mental health, okay.

Peter (excited): You’ll really go with me?

Michelle: I just said I would. Do you want me to have the principal notarize it?

Peter (ecstatic): Yes, I mean no, I mean wow. I’ll pick you up at 7 Friday night. Okay?

Michelle: Okay. Bye, Peter.

Peter: Bye.

(Peter is so overwhelmed with ecstacy that he runs to his class. He bumps into another kid.)

Peter: Sorry. (He and the other kid get up from the floor. They take a look at each other and discover they look exactly alike, only the other kid is wearing glasses.) Holy maceral, you look just like me!

Arthur: And you look like me without glasses.

Peter: My name is Peter Brady. What’s yours?

Arthur: Arthur Owens.

Peter: How come we never met before?

Arthur: I just transferred to this school yesterday. Boy, are we gonna drive the teachers out of their skulls.

Peter: Yeah. Hey, are you busy right after school yesterday?

Arthur: No, why?

Peter: How would you like to have a little fun putting someone on?

Arthur: Sure, who?

Peter: My family. It’ll be a real blast.

Arthur: You think we can fool them?

Peter: I don’t know, but think of the possibilities if we can.

Arthur: Yeah.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene begins with Bobby, Cindy and Oliver in the family room. Bobby and Cindy are playing checkers. Cindy makes a move and Oliver shakes his head no. She makes another move and he nods. Peter is watching from outside and Arthur is waiting over at the garage.)

Peter: Okay, Bobby, Cindy and Oliver are in the family room.

Arthur: Oliver’s your cousin, right.

Peter: Right, you know who everybody else is. Now go in and see if you can fool them and come right back out.

Artur: Okay.

(He takes his glasses off and puts them in his pocket. Cindy makes another move and Oliver nods.)

Bobby: Hey, no coaching Oliver. I saw you shake your head.

(Alice looks over thought he kitchen and Arthur comes in.)

Bobby: Hey, Pete, you wanna play the winner?

Arthur: No thanks, checkers is a drag.

Cindy: Since when?

Bobby: Yeah, you’re a checkers freak.

Arthur: Oh, what I mean is, I used to like checkers.

Alice: Hey Peter, come here, I want you to do me a favor.

(He comes in the kitchen.)

Arthur: What’s the favor?

Alice: A flavor favor. I need your expert pie tasting ability. How big a hunk can you handle?

Arthur: The hunkiest. (She cuts him a piece of lemon pie) I’d rather have cherry.

Alice: But I made this lemon pie especially for you. Cherry makes you break out in a rash. Remember.

Arthur: It does? Oh, it does. Right, a rash.

Alice: Guess you forgot because it’s been so long since you scratched.

Peter: Well, I’ll live dangerously. I’ll have the piece of cherry anyway.

Alice: Well, it’s our itch. If anybody needs me, I’ll be in the laundry room unwrinkling a wrinkled Prue shirt.

(He has his pie and waves to Peter, who is watching from outside. Greg and Marcia come by.)

Marcia: Hey, Pete, you want to go with us?

Greg: Larry invited us over for a swim.

Peter: I don’t swim.

Greg: Are you kidding? You’re a good swimmer.

Peter: I mean, I don’t swim when I don’t feel like swimming. You and Jan go along.

Marcia: Jan?

Peter: Did I say Jan?

Greg: On second thought, maybe it’s a good thing you’re not going swimming, Pete. Your brain’s waterlogged.

(They go outside and walk by Peter but don’t see him.)

Greg (to Marcia): Peter’s sure acting strange.

(Jan comes out to Arthur.)

Jan: Peter, Peter, you promised to help me with my algebra.

Arthur: Wow, you sure are pretty.

Jan: Cut the corny compliments. You still have to help me.

Arthur: I’ll help you anytime.

Jan: Well, you sure have changed.

(Carol is walking down the stairs and the phone rings.)

Carol: I’ll get it. (she answers) Hello. Oh, hello, Mr. Phillips. Oh, no, I’m sorry. Mike isn’t home yet. Yeah, I see.

(Mike comes through the door.)

Mike: Hello.

Carol: Oh, hold on a second, Mr. Phillips. Mike just walked in. (she hands him the phone) Honey, it’s Mr. Phillips, he has a problem about Friday night.

(They kiss and he takes the phone.)

Mike: Hello, Mr. Phillips. Yeah, oh yeah. I see. Ah, well, Peter’s 15. It wouldn’t be a problem at all if he’s not busy. Hang on a second, I’ll ask him right now. (He calls) Peter, Peter!

Jan (to Arthur): Peter, Dad’s calling you.

Peter: Oh, yeah. Yeah, Dad.

Mike: You free Friday night?

Arthur: Yeah, I guess so.

Mike: How would you feel about entertaining my boss’s niece? She’s visiting from outta town.

Arthur: Sure, I guess it’s okay.

(Mike gets back on the phone.)

Mike: Mr. Phillips, it’s all set. Your niece has a date Friday night with a very eligible bachelor.

(He gets back to helping Jan.)

Arthur: That’s the right answer, Jan.

Jan: Good. Will you help me with something else?

Arthur: I’d love to.

Jan: You’re sure a new Peter Brady. I’ll be right back.

(Peter motions to Arthur to come outside.)

Arthur: Fantastic!

Peter: Didn’t anybody get suspicious?

Arthur (putting his glasses on): I fooled them all, even your Dad.

Peter: That’s great.

Arthur: Next time let’s try it on my folks.

Peter: Okay, I’ll see you in school tomorrow.

Arthur: Okay.

(Peter goes inside where the younger kids are playing.)

Peter: Hey, how about me playing the winner.

Cindy: But you said checkers was a drag.

Oliver: Yeah, you said checkers was a drag.

Peter: I did? (Bobby nods) Well, I just undragged it.

(He goes into the kitchen.)

Bobby: I was wrong. He’s not a checkers freak, he’s a freaky freak.

(Peter goes to cut a piece of lemon pie and Alice comes out.)

Alice: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Peter; Hi, Alice. Boy, am I starved.

Alice: One piece of pie before dinner is enough?

Peter: Right, I’ll only have one piece.

Alice: Which you have already had.

Peter (disbelievingly): I had?

Alice: Don’t give me that innocent look, and don’t blame me if you get a rash.

Peter: A rash! From what?

Alice: You know from what. That piece of cherry pie you ate.

Peter: Huh. Oh, yeah, that. you’re right, I shouldn’t have eaten it. I’m getting itchy already.

Alice: Did you change your shirt?

Peter: No, why?

(She walks off and Jan comes by.)

Jan: I’ll really appreciate your help, Peter.

Peter: What help?

Jan: That you’re gonna give me on this composition.

Peter: You got to be kidding. Next time, ask first.

Jan (disappointed): I knew it couldn’t last.

(She goes in the family room and Peter sneaks a piece of pie.)

(Cut to the living room. Mike and Carol are discussing plans for a banquet for Mr. Phillips.)

Mike: Not only am I stuck with being the master of ceremonies at the banquet in Mr. Phillips’ honor, but we drew straws at the office, and I’m in charge of buying a gift. Got any suggestions?

Carol: Oh, I know exactly what to get him, something with exquisite taste, that he absolutely loves, and that he can really use.

Mike: What else?

Carol: I’ll leave the details to you.

Peter (coming around): Hi.

Mike: Hi, Peter that was very nice of you and I appreciate it.

Peter: That’s okay. (Pause) What was nice of me?

Mike: Offering to entertain Pamela Friday night.

Peter (surprised): Pamela?

Mike: Mr. Phillips’ niece who’s visiting from out of town. You said you’d do it.

Peter: I did?

Mike: Yes, you did.

Peter: This Friday night?

Carol: Peter, are you all right?

Peter: Yeah, it’s just that I already got a date Friday night.

Mike: Well then why didn’t you say that before?

Peter: I wasn’t exactly myself before.

Carol: Peter, look, if you said you’d do it, you have to. You can’t disappoint Mr. Phillips.

Peter: But I can’t cancel out Michelle, not after 6 months of hard labor trying to get a date.

Mike: Switch it.

Carol: She’ll understand. (We next see Peter calling Arthur.)

Arthur: Hello.

Peter: Hello, Arthur. It’s me, Peter. (more sternly) Peter Brady.

Arthur: Oh, hi, Peter. I’m glad you called. I forgot to tell you something this afternoon.

Peter: Boy, you sure did.

Arthur: I know about your date this Friday.

Peter: Thanks to you, I got two dates. I’m really in a spot.

Arthur: I’m really sorry. I wish I could help you out.

Peter: So do I. I’d have to be twins (Pause) Hey, did you hear what I just said?

Arthur: Yeah, what?

Peter: One of me am twins and one of me is named Arthur.

Arthur: What do you mean?

Peter: Well, you made a date with Pamela, right? Well, you’re gonna keep that date and I’m gonna keep my other date with Michelle?

Arthur: I don’t know, Peter.

Peter: You got me into this, you gotta get me out. It’s only fair.

Arthur (sheepishly): Yeah, I guess so. Okay.

Peter: Super, I’ll handle all the details.

Arthur: What time Friday?

Peter: I have to pick up Michelle around 7, so get here a little bit before, and wear the same thing as me, a white tee shirt and blue jeans. Okay?

Peter: Okay. Boy, I sure hope nothing goes wrong.

Peter: Will you relax, what could possibly go wrong?

Arthur: Bye.

Peter: Bye. (He hangs up, to himself) Peter Brady, you’re some kind of genius.

(The scene fades.)

(In the next scene, Mike is in the family room with Carol. Alice and Greg.)

Mike: Oh, first of all, I should explain that this is not an ordinary banquet honoring Mr. Phillips, right. This is a roast. You know, instead of saying nice things about the guest of honor, your speech is insulting.

Alice: You’re gonna insult your own boss?

Mike: Humorously.

Alice: Let’s hope the next day you don’t humorously show up at the unemployment office.

Carol: Oh no, Alice, Mr. Phillips has a great sense of humor.

Greg: Oh sure, that’s why he hired an architect like Dad.

Mike: This is supposed to be a roast for my boss, not for me.

Carol: Honey, can we hear your speech?

Mike: Yes, yes. (He reads) Ladies and gentlemen.

Carol: Oh, terrific.

Mike: You like the opening, do you. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s only fitting that we honor Mr. Phillips tonight, because Mr. Phillips has come a long way in the past 25 years. The first building Mr. Phillips ever designed was so shaky that the termites had to hold ants to keep it from collapsing. (Alice laughs out loud but Carol and Greg don’t) Don’t you get it?

Greg: Sure.

Mike: And the walls were so thin that if you stripped off the wallpaper, you’d be in the next room.

(Alice laughs heartily again.)

Alice: Gee, Mr. Brady, you’re as funny as Bob Hope and Milton Berle.

Carol: He ought to be, those are their jokes.

(She and Greg laugh.)

Mike: Maybe I ought to go on the road with this material after the banquet.

Carol: No, I think you ought to go on the road before the banquet. (They all laugh again and an offended Mike walks out) Oh, we’re only kidding. Come back, Mike.

(Marcia is in her room combing her hair and Peter comes in.)

Peter: Hi, Marcia, how’s my favorite sister.

Marcia: Suspicious. I’m only your favorite sister when you want something.

Peter: What could I possibly want. I’m just a loving brother who’s willing to pay his loving sister’s way to a movie tonight, and I’ll even let her bring Jan, Bobby, Cindy and Oliver with her.

Marcia: No thanks.

Peter: You don’t have to answer me so fast. Think it over.

Marcia: I’ve already got a date, Peter. Greg has too. And besides, you don’t have to worry about us butting in on your date with Pamela.

(Marcia gets up and leaves while Peter gives the struck out signal. Jan comes in from the bathroom.)

Peter: Hi, Jan, how’s my favorite sister?

Jan: I already heard, so you could stop the baloney.

Peter: Suppose you got a date, too.

Jan: Yeah, to take Bobby, Cindy and Oliver to the movies if you’re really paying.

Peter (excited): I’m paying, thanks.

(We take you to outside, where Peter tries to persuade the younger kids to go to the movies that evening.)

Cindy: Sorry, Pete, we want to stay home and watch TV tonight.

Peter: But there’s a real good movie playing.

Bobby: We might change our minds, if the movie included certain other things.

Cindy: Yeah, certain other things.

Oliver: I’m with them.

Peter: I said I was buying the tickets.

Bobby: Well, watching a movie without popcorn can be pure torture.

Cindy: The worst kind.

Peter: Okay, I’ll throw in the popcorn.

Oliver: With butter?

Peter (bitterly): With butter?

Bobby: Well, you got to have something to wash it down with. Right, you guys?

Oliver: Yeah, you can’t just let it stick there.

Peter: Okay, you can have ice cream, too.

Bobby: Ice cream. Hey, thanks for reminding me. I meant soda pop.

Peter (angry): Compared to you three, Jesse James was a choirboy!

(Next, Alice is showing Peter what food they have in the refrigerator for him and his date.)

Alice: Okay, we got sandwiches, fresh fruit, what’s left of the pie, pudding, three kinds of soft drinks, some mixed nuts. Do you think you and Pamela could struggle along on that?

Peter: That should be enough for a light snack. (Alice laughs) Thanks, Alice.

Alice: You’re welcome. If you and Pamela need me, I’ll be in my room watching the early show, the late show or whatever comes in between.

Peter: Good. I mean, I’m sure we won’t need anything.

Alice: Okay.

(Mike and Carol are leaving for the banquet.)

Mike (calling): Peter, we’re leaving.

Carol: Peter, aren’t you going to change? Mr. Phillips will be dropping Pamela off soon.

Peter: Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll be ready for her.

Mike: Well, have a nice time, son.

Peter: I know I will. I hope Pamela does too.

(He laughs.)

Carol: Good night, Peter.

Peter: Good night.

(Later on, Peter answers the door for Pamela, who just got dropped off.)

Pamela: Thanks, Uncle Ed. (to Peter) Hi, I’m Pam Phillips.

Peter: Hi, I’m Peter Brady. Come on in. It’s nice meeting you.

Pamela: You too. Thanks for having me over.

Peter: That’s okay. You want to listen to some records?

Pamela: Sure, I’d love to.

Peter: The record player is back in the family room. (The phone rings) Straight through the kitchen. Make yourself at home, I’ll be right with you.

Pamela: Okay.

(Peter answers the phone. It’s Arthur.)

Peter: Hello.

Arthur: Hi, Peter. it’s me, Arthur.

Peter: Where are you? You’re supposed to be here.

Arthur: I’m still at home. I’m gonna be a little late.

Peter: Well, Pam just arrived and I’m supposed to pick up Michelle in half an hour.

Arthur: Look, I can’t leave my kid sister unitl my folks get home.

Peter: Well, how long will that be?

Arthur: I’m not sure.

Peter: Well, get here as fast as you can. I’ll call Michelle and stall her.

(They hang up. Peter goes to call Michelle and the doorbell rings again. Peter goes to answer it.)

Michelle: Hi, Peter. Surprise.

Peter (impulsively): Michelle!

(He slams the door in her face and blocks the door so Pamela wouldn’t see her. Michelle hits the door and he opens it.)

Michelle (offended): What kind of a welcome do you call that?

(Peter comes outside with her.)

Peter: Sorry, it’s just that surprises are pretending to surprise me. What are you doing here?

Michelle: My brother dropped me off to save you a trip. I thought that was very thoughtful.

Peter (sarcastically): Yeah, very.

Michelle: Where’s your costume?

Peter: Oh, it’s right inside. I’ll go put it on.

(He rushes inside and shuts the door. Michelle knocks and he opens the door.)

Michelle: Peter, aren’t you gonna let me in?

Peter: Oh yeah, come on in. My costume’s right in here. (He gets it out of the closet) I’ll go put it on. You wait right here in the living room. You can watch TV while you’re waiting.

Michelle: Well, don’t be long.

(She goes to sit on the couch.)

Peter: Don’t sit there. The view is much better from over there (the chair). Oh, there’s a great movie on TV, you’ll love it. But, don’t you move out of that seat.

Michelle: Why not?

Peter: I just wouldn’t want you to miss any of the movie, that’s all. Be right back.

(He rushes out of the living room and Michelle looks confused. He puts his costume in the broom closet in the kitchen. He then goes back to Pamela.)

Peter: Hi. sorry I took so long. Somebody came to the door right after the phone. (He closes the window screen) You know, a salesman.

Pamela: Peter, what are you doing?

Peter: It’s to close out a draft, I just got over a cold. (He fakes a cough and turns on the record player) How’s that?

Pamela: Super, let’s dance.

(They start to dance but Peter fakes a knee injury.)

Pamela: What’s the matter?

Peter: My knee. An old football injury. I better go take a look at it.

Pamela: Let me help you.

Peter: No, no. I mean, I just met you. I couldn’t let you look at my naked knee.

(Peter rushes into the broom closet to put his costume back on. Pamela waits in the family room and Michelle is still in the living room watching television. Just as he goes to join Michelle, Alice comes out for a snack.)

Peter (to Michelle): Good evening, I want to bite your neck.

(Michelle laughs.)

Michelle: That’s really neat, Peter. You make a fantastic Dracula. Let’s go now, huh.

Peter: Oh, uh, what’s the hurry? Let’s have a glass of blood. I’ll go get a cold drink.

(He goes back into the kitchen and sees a surprised Alice.)

Alice: Peter, what in the world is that?

Peter; I’ll explain later, Alice. Right now I need a bottle of pop.

Alice: Just remember to be back in your box of dirt by dawn.

(Alice goes inside and Peter gets out of his costume. Pamela comes out to see how he is.)

Pamela: Peter.

(She tries to open the door but he pushes it shut.)

Peter: Wait a minute, Pamela. This knee’s a pretty messy sight.

Pamela: Are you okay?

Peter: I’ll pull through. I’ll be right there.

(He puts his costume back in the closet but forgets to take his wig off.)

Peter: Hi, I’m back.

Pamela: Peter, your hair.

Peter: My hair? (she realizes he left the wig on) Oh, my hair. It’s just a little joke. I’m always making jokes. How about a cold drink.

Pamela: Well, I really don’t feel….

Peter: Swell. I’ll be right back.

(Peter takes his costume out and puts it on again. Alice opens the door and watches him in disbelief. He goes back outside with Pamela.)

Michelle; My dear, Count Dracula has returned.

Michelle; Peter, I really don’t want to miss any of that party.

Peter: Don’t worry, it’ll be going on for hours. (The bell rings) On the other hand, let’s leave right after I get the door.

Michelle: Peter, you’re acting kind of weird.

Peter: Us vampires are supposed to be weird.

(He answers the door and it’s Arthur.)

Arthur: Hi.

(Peter comes outside to speak to him.)

Peter: Boy, am I glad to see you. Go around the back and come in like you did last time.

Arthur: You mean where the kids were playing checkers?

Peter: Right. Pamela’s there. Keep her entertained and I’ll meet you out back in a couple of hours.

Arthur: Gotcha.

Peter: And take off your glasses.

Arthur: Right.

(He takes them off and goes in the family room from the back. Peter comes back inside.)

Peter: Just a girl scout selling cookies.

Michelle: Can we go now, please?

Peter: Sure. Just let me get the tickets from my wallet.

(Meanwhile, Arthur comes in the family room.)

Arthur: Hi.

Pamela: But you just went that way. (the kitchen door)

Arthur: Well, it’s bad luck the enter a room the same way you went out. It’s an old superstition.

Pamela; Well, I never heard of it.

Arthur: Well, that shows how old it is. You wanna dance?

(They dance.)

Pamela: Is your knee okay?

Arthur: Sure, why?

Pamela: I thought you hurt it playing football.

Arthur: Whatever gave you that idea?

(Carol and Mike come in.)

Mike: Hi, kids.

Carol: Hi, we’re Peter’s parents.

Pamela: I’m Pamela Phillips.

Mike: We’ll be right out of your way. i forgot the notes to my speech.

(They head to the kitchen.)

Carol (to Mike): She’s cute, isn’t she?

Mike: Yeah.

(They see Michelle watching television.)

Carol: Hello.

Michelle: Hi.

Mike: I don’t think we’ve met.

Michelle: I’m Michelle. Are you Peter’s parents?

Carol: That’s right.

Michelle: I have a date with Peter tonight.

Carol: Peter Brady?

Michelle: We’re going to a costume party.

(Peter comes down the stairs and sees a confused Mike and Carol.)

Peter: Hi.

Carol: Mike, I’m seeing double.

Peter: I guess I better start from the beginning.

Carol: Yes, especially for those of us who came in after the picture started.

(Next, Peter is explaining the situation to Carol.)

Peter: Well, it was Arthur who made the date with Pamela in the first place, and Arthur kept the date with Pamela in the second place. So what’s the harm?

Carol: The harm is in the third place. I mean, you tried to put one over on pamela.

Pamela: I don’t mind, Mrs. Brady. I’m really glad it worked out this way. Arthur likes to dance and he’s got two good knees.

Michelle: I don’t mind either, I’m flattered to think Peter would go through so much trouble to keep our date.

Carol: Well, as long as everybody’s happy, I guess that’s all that counts.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Carol and Alice in the kitchen the next morning.)

Alice: Good morning, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Good morning, Alice.

Alice: Did you have a nice evening?

Carol: Oh, it was fun. How about you?

Alice: Well, not so fun. Seeing Peter in that Dracula outfit made me have a horrible dream.

Carol: Oh, I’m sorry, Alice. What was the dream about?

Alice: First I dreamed I was carried off by Dracula, then I was carried off by the Wolfman, then I was carried off by Frankenstein’s monster.

Carol: Oh, Alice, that is horrible.

Alice: That wasn’t the horrible part.

Carol: What was?

Alice: While I was proposed.


S5 E17 Welcome Aboard

Welcome Aboard

Written by Larry Rhine and Al Schwartz

Carol’s nephew, Oliver, moves in with the Bradys. Much to the chagrin of the kids. I hope you enjoy the script.












MR. DOUGLAS, manager of movie studio




(The episode begins with Mike coming home from work. Bobby and Cindy are playing checkers in the family room.)

Mike: Hi, kids. Who’s winning?

Bobby: I’ll give you a hint. Me.

Mike: Uh, hang in there, Cindy.

(He comes into the kitchen and sees Carol.)

Carol: Hi, honey. (They kiss) Did you have a good day?

Mike: Oh, about the same as usual. How about you?

Carol: Well, not quite as usual as usual.

Mike: That’s unusual. Wanna tell me what made it not as usual as usual?

Carol: Well, I merely found out we’re gonna have an addition to the family.

Mike (shocked): We’re gonna have a what?

Carol: Well, six kids plus one kid equals seven kids.

(Bobby and Cindy hear this while Mike is too overwhelmed to speak.)

Carol; Well, aren’t you gonna say something?

Mike: My mouth is willing but the rest of me is too numb to co-operate. Honey, are you sure? I mean, are you really sure?

Carol: Positive. Are you sure that a man in your condition should be carrying that heavy briefcase?

(They walk to the living room.)

Bobby (to Cindy): Did you hear that? Mom’s gonna have a baby.

Bobby (excited): Wow, wait till the other kids find out.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike and Carol in the living room.)

Carol: Kinda shocked, aren’t you.

Mike: I didn’t even see a jar of pickles in the living room. When are we expecting?

Carol: Tomorrow, and it’s gonna be a boy.

Mike: Okay, Carol. Come on, what’s really going on here?

Carol: Oh, honey, I was just trying to be funny, but we are gonna have an addition to the family. That is, if you approve.

Mike: What did the kids bring home this time, a stray elephant?

Carol (laughing): No, it’s my nephew, Oliver. Can he come and stay with us for a while?

Mike: Oliver, how come?

Carol: Jack’s being sent to South America on an engineering project, and he’s taking Pauline with him.

Mike: Can’t they take Oliver with him?

Carol: Well, they wanted to very much, but it’s a jungle area and there aren’t any schools. Honey, after all, Oliver is 8.

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: Well, what do you think?

Mike: I think I’ll get some 8 year old cigars to pass out at the office.

(Cindy goes upstairs to tell Marcia, Jan and Alice.)

Cindy (excited): I got the most fantastic secret in the whole world!

Marcia: Cindy, we’re doing our homework.

Jan: Can’t your secret wait.

Cindy: Only for nine months.

Alice: What’s that supposed to mean?

Cindy: It means that Mom’s gonna have a baby.

Alice: A baby?

Jan: What?

Marcia: How did you find that out?

Cindy: Well, my ears just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I heard her tell Dad.

Jan: That’s really wild.

Marcia: Super.

Alice: It’ll be like old times. I used to be a pretty good burper.

Marcia: We better not let Mom know we know until she wants us to know. You know?

Jan: Yeah, you understand, Cindy?

Cindy: Mmm mmm.

Alice: I’ll sum it up for you in two words, sweetheart.

Cindy: What?

Alice: Don’t blab.

(They all laugh.)

Jan: A baby.

Marcia: I can’t believe it.

(Bobby goes up to the attic to tell Greg and Peter. They are practicing guitar.)

Bobby: Hey you guys, have I got great news!

Greg: What?

Bobby: Mom is gonna have a baby.

Greg: A baby?

Peter: Are you sure?

Bobby (raising his hand): May I never read a comic book again.

Peter: He’s sure!

Bobby: But don’t tell Mom I told you, huh.

Greg: Okay. (Bobby runs out) What do you know?

Peter: Wow, a baby. Here. (He hands Greg the guitar) I can’t practice at a time like this, I’m an expectant brother.

(He runs out of the room excited while Greg rocks the guitar. Carol and Alice are in the kitchen. Carol prepares to take a bowl of salad to the dinner table.)

Alice (stopping her): Ehh, don’t do that, Mr. Brady.

Carol: Why not, Alice?

Alice: Well, salad for nine is a lot, and I used a very heavy dressing.

(Alice brings the bowl out and a clueless Carol goes to get plates. Marcia and Jan come in.)

Marcia: Mom, you shouldn’t be doing that.

Jan: Let us set the table. Take it easy.

Carol (confused): Are you two volunteering to help? Are you sure you’re feeling all right?

Marcia: That’s the question we should be asking you.

(Alice comes back to the kitchen.)

Carol: Alice, is there something going on around here that I should know about?

Alice: Well, if you don’t know about it, Mrs. Brady, nobody does.

Carol: What do you mean?

Alice: Nothing.

(Bobby and Cindy come in.)

Cindy: Hi, Mom.

Carol: Hi.

Bobby: You look great.

Cindy: Better than you ever did.

Carol: Okay, this is beginning to sound like operation snow job. Did report cards come in today?

Cindy: Mmm mmm.

Bobby: We just want you to know how happy we are about you looking so good.

(They take off.)

Carol: Alice, what’s for dessert?

Alice: Why, did you have a craving for something special? Watermelon alamode, maybe?

Carol: Watermelon alamode? That is a weird combination, Alice.

Alice: Yeah, but did you have a craving for it?

Carol: Okay, I demand to know what’s going on around here.

Alice: Well, if you insist, Mrs. Brady, we know about the new family addition and we’re all very happy about it.

Alice (happy): Oh, you heard about Oliver.

Alice: Oliver, wouldn’t that be kind of a funny name if it were a girl?

Carol: Wait a minute. Is this family under the impression that I’m gonna have a baby?

Alice (nodding): Aren’t you under that imnpression?

Carol (laughing): Oliver is my nephew, and he’s just coming to live with us for a while.

Alice: Oh, well, in that case, I better make a fast phone call and cancel that order.

Carol: What order, Alice?

Alice: The teeny, tiny, tot diaper service.

Carol (laughing): Wait till those girls find out they set the dishes for nothing.

(Next, Carol is telling the kids about Oliver.)

Carol: Remember, kids, Oliver is an only child so it may take him a while to get used to having six brothers and sisters around.

Greg: We’ll make him feel right at home.

Marcia: Sure, Mom.

Carol: I’m so glad you kids are happy he’s coming to stay with us.

Bobby: Hey, Cindy, now you and me won’t be the youngest. We’ll have somebody to push around.

Carol: Bobby.

(Mike arrives with Oliver.)

Mike: Here we are.

(Carol gives him a big hug and all the kids greet him.)

Carol: Oh, Oliver. Welcome to your new family.

Oliver: Thanks, Aunt Carol.

Bobby: Hey, Oliver, let’s play basketball.

Cindy: No, let’s go on the swings.

Mike: Hey, kids, kids, he’s not a wishbone.

Oliver: It’s okay, Uncle Mike. I like being popular.

Peter: Hey, Oliver. You moved in at a great time. We’re going on a tour of a movie studio Saturday.

Oliver: Wow, I should’ve moved in with you guys years ago.

Bobby: Come on, Oliver. Let’s go outside.

(The kids lead him to the backyard.)

Carol: Oh, Mike, I think Oliver is gonna be very happy here.

Mike: Well, the kids are giving him a warm welcome.

(Jan and Cindy are in their room. Jan is painting a picture and Oliver comes in.)

Oliver: Can I watch?

Jan: Sure. Cindy, hand me those brushes.

Oliver: Oh, I’ll get them.

(He runs over but accidentally knocks over Jan’s painting.)

Jan (upset): Oliver, you ruined my painting!

Oliver: Gee, I’m sorry, I was only trying to help.

(He hands Jan the brushes. Meanwhile, Greg is downstairs in the kitchen making a cold cut sandwich.)

Greg: Alice, you certainly feed us well.

Alice: Be careful you don’t build that too high, the city has built an earthquake fault.

Greg: I’ve only just begun.

(He shakes the ketchup bottle, without any luck. Oliver comes in.)

Oliver: Can I help?

Greg: No thanks, I’ll get it.

Oliver: No, I’m real good at ketchup. You gotta hit the botlte real hard, like this.

(He hits the bottom three times but accidentally gets some on Greg’s shirt.)

Alice: You think you got the hang of it now, Greg?

(Next, Bobby is in the backyard. He just finished mowing the lawn and is putting it in the bag. Oliver comes to him.)

Oliver: Can I help?

Bobby: No, it’s all right, Oliver. I can handle it.

Oliver: But I’m one of the family. I’m supposed to help.

Bobby: Oliver, it’s okay. I can get it.

Oliver: Well, if you insist.

(He lets go and Bobby goes flying. He lands on a flower pot, breaking it.)

Oliver: Oh, gee, I’m sorry. I was just trying to help.

Bobby: It’s alright, the worst Dad can do is kill me.

(Later on, Carol is in the family room, knitting  an afghan. Mike comes in.)

Carol: Well, what do you think?

Mike: What is it?

Carol: It’s a six foot afghan.

Mike: You’re short a few feet.

(Oliver comes in.)

Oliver: Uncle Mike, Aunt Carol, can I say something?

Carol: Sure.

Mike: Sure you can. Go ahead, what is it?

Oliver: Well, I just wanted to say good night and thank you for letting me stay here with you guys.

Carol: Oh, Oliver, we’re so thrilled to have you here with us.

Mike: We sure are.

Oliver: You go on upstairs and get into bed and we’ll be up in a minute to tuck you in. And you know what, tomorrow we’re gonna help you write a letter to your mommy and daddy. I bet you miss them, huh.

Oliver: Yeah, but when you get to be as big as I am, you get to understand these kind of things.

Mike: We figured you would.

Oliver: Anyway, I really like it here. It’s super. Good night.

Carol: Good night. (Oliver walks away but the yarn from the afghan goes with him) Oliver, Oliver, stop.

Oliver: Gee, I’m sorry. It got tangled around my foot.

Carol: That’s okay, Oliver. It wasn’t your fault.

(Oliver goes upstairs and Carol laments at her ruined garment.)

Mike: Well, look on the brightside, honey. You’re not gonna have time to finish it anyway.

Carol: What do you mean by that?

Mike: I have a year old hand knitted sock to prove it.

Carol: Oh, yeah?

Mike: Yeah.

(She wraps the ruined yarn around his face and they kiss. Oliver is upstairs in the top bunk. His snoring is keeping Bobby awake. He gets out to bed and goes to Peter.)

Bobby: Hey, Pete, Pete, are you sleeping?

Peter: Are you kidding? Who can sleep with that buzz saw going?

Bobby: For a little guy he sure snores big.

Peter: Sounds like the M.G.M. lion.

Bobby: How are we gonna get any sleep?

Peter: I read once that where you can stop people from snoring by rolling them over. Let’s try it.

(They try rolling Oliver over but they fall down. Peter accidentally breaks a lamp in so doing. Oliver wakes up.)

Oliver: Can you guys be a little more quiet, a guy can’t get any sleep around here.

(Next, Bobby and Peter are telling Greg about their problems with Oliver.)

Bobby: I’m telling you, Oliver’s a jynx.

Greg: Come on.

Peter: What about the ketchup he dowsed you with?

Greg: It was an accident.

Bobby: What about the flower pot he made me bust?

Peter: And the lamp last night.

(The girls come in.)

Cindy; Are you talking about Oliver?

Peter: Yeah.

Jan: He’s a disaster area and I got a painting to prove it.

Marcia: Jan. that was just an accident.

Cindy: What abouit the dishes he made you drop?

Marcia: Well, I guess that was an accident, too.

Peter: How come we’re having all these accidents only since Oliver moved in?

Bobby: Yeah, I like Oliver but he’s a jynx.

Cindy: It sure looks like that.

Jan: I wish he could’ve stayed with some other relative.

Peter: Yeah, but I guess there’s nothing we can do, we’re stuck with him.

(With all this being said, Oliver is right outside. He overhears what the other kids say and gets depressed. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Carol going out in the backyard.)

Carol (calling): Alice, if you need me, I’ll be out back gardening.

(She notices Oliver’s legs sticking out of the doghouse, where he is seeking refuge.)

Carol: Oliver, what are you doing in there?

Oliver: You better not come near me, Aunt Carol.

Carol: Why not?

Oliver: Something bad will happen, I’m a jynx.

Carol: A jynx? (She pulls him out of there) Okay, Oliver, what’s going on?

Oliver: I told you, I’m bad luck. If I found a four leaf clover, it would probably turn out to be poison ivy.

Carol: Oliver, who gave you that idea that you’re a jynx?

Oliver: The other kids. I heard them talking.

Carol: What did they say?

Oliver: They said wherever I go, terrible things happen. and they’re right, I’m bad news.

Carol: Well, I’ve got good news. We’re gonna solve your problem right now. Come on, Mr. Jynx.

(She takes him by the hand and they go into Mike’s den.)

Mike: Take my word for it, there is no such thing as a jynx.

Carol: We think it’s good luck to have you here with us.

Oliver: I thought so, too. But there sure is a lot of evidence on the other side.

Mike: Look, maybe you did cause a couple of minor accidents, but that can happen to anybody.

Oliver: I know, but I’m very good at it.

Carol: Oliver, anyone who believes in a jynx is just superstitious.

Oliver: That’s me, and I was trying so hard to make everybody like me.

Carol: Oliver, everybody does like you. Now you just forget about all this jynx business. Promise?

Oliver; Well, I’m willing to forget about it if the other kids are.

Mike: Now that I can guarantee.

(Next, Mike is talking to Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy.)

Mike: I’m surprised at you. You had poor Oliver shaken up.

Jan: Well, we had no idea he was listening, Dad.

Cindy: Or else we would have closed the window.

Mike: Honey, that’s not the point.

Peter: We don’t have anything personal against him, Dad. He’s a nice kid.

Bobby: But it’s just sort of weird meeting a first cousin who’s a catastrophe.

Mike: Oliver is not a catastrophe, Oliver is not a jynx. Look, those accidents happened because he’s just trying too hard to be helpful, that’s all. Or there are coincidences.

Peter: I guess Dad’s right.

Mike: Now, remember this. For the time being at least, Oliver is a member of this family. And what we do, he does, and where we go, he goes. Is that clear? (They all nod) Okay, start making Oliver feel like he belongs.

(He gets up and leaves.)

Cindy: Boy, I guess that means Oliver has to come with us on the tour of the movie studio Saturday.

Jan: Yeah.

Peter: I sure hope we don’t have any more of those so-called coincidences.

Bobby: Yeah, just when they ask for an autograph, he’ll get hit by a truck.

(Next, the boys are outside playing basketball while Marcia is working on a ceramics project. She is joined by Jan and Cindy.)

Jan: Can we help you paint it?

Marcia: I’ve got to do it myself. I get graded on it for my class project.

(Oliver comes outside while the guys are making comments about playing.)

Oliver (to Marcia): Hi.

Jan: Hi.

Marcia: Hi. Hey, Oliver, how would you like to learn about ceramice.

Oliver: No, thanks.

Jan: Come on, Oliver, it’s fun.

Oliver: I better not. I may bring you some bad luck.

Cindy: Oh, you won’t. Dad said you’re not a jynx.

Oliver: Well, let’s keep it that way.

(He walks over to the guys.)

Greg: Hey, Oliver, how about playing with us. (He tosses him the ball) You and me against these two clowns.

Oliver: No, I just better watch.

Peter: Come on, Oliver, we need another guy.

Oliver: I’ll bust the ball or something.

(He throws it back to them.)

Bobby: You won’t. That jynx stuff is silly superstition.

Greg: Come on, we wnat you to play.

Oliver: You really mean it?

Greg: Sure we do. Let’s show these bums how to play basketball. Come on, pass it.

(He throws the ball back to him and Oliver passes it back to Greg. He makes a shot.)

Greg: Lucky my foot. (Peter and Bobby have the ball) Get it. Get it, steal it. (Pete rmakes a shot) Oh, ball, never, never.

(Meanwhile, Carol is knitting in the family room and Mike comes in. He has a model of a building he just created.)

Mike: Where is everybody?

Carol: Oh, honey, the boys are outside playing basketball with Oliver. Whatever you said sure worked.

Mike: Good. I’m just gonna take this down to the office. I won’t be gone long.

Carol: Oh, honey, can I see? That looks terrific.

Mike: Well, it should. It took me almost as long to make it as it would a real building.

Carol: What is this?

Mike: Oh, those are the fountains, see. And I rigged it where you can put real water in it and a fountain would shoot up. This side comes off and you can see those lights work.

Carol: Oh, honey.

(Back outside, the boys are still playing.)

Greg: Over here, Bobby. Not there.

Oliver Over here, Greg!

Greg (passing him the ball): take it.

(Oliver takes a shot but unfortunately it goes in the wrong direction. It hits Marcia’s project, ruining it. Alice almost trips over it. Mike slips on it while walking through the kitchen. He drops his building on the edge of the counter and demolishes it. Carol comes running out.)

Carol: Honey, are you all right?

Mike: I’m fine, but, I just converted my high rise into a low rise.

Carol (sadly): Oh, I’m sorry.

Mike: Gee, and the elevators worked and everything.

(Oliver buries his face in his arms shamefully. Next, the whole family except Mike are leaving for the movie studio.)

Cindy: I hope we see a lot of movie stars on the tour.

Marcia: If I run into Robert Redford, I’ll faint.

Jan: Me too.

Alice: I’ll beat you both to the ground.

Greg; Is everybody here?

Carol: Where’s Oliver. (she calls) Oliver!

Greg (calling): Oliver!

(Oliver comes out.)

Carol: Come on, Oliver.

Oliver: I think I better stay home, Aunt Carol.

Carol: But Oliver, I thought you were so excited about going to the movie studio.

Oliver: That was before I turned into a jynx.

Carol: I thought we were over all that.

Oliver: Me too, but it happened again.

(Carol tries to reverse psychology him.)

Carol: Well, okay, that’s it, if Oliver’s not going, I’m not going either. Right, Greg.

(She winks.)

Greg: Right, if you’re not going, I’m not going. Right, Alice.

Alice: Oh, right, Greg, and if you and Mrs. Brady aren’t going, I’m not going either. Right, Bobby.

Bobby: Wrong, I’m going.

(They give him dirty looks.)

Carol: Bobby.

Bobby: Just kididng.

Greg: See, Oliver, now, if you don’t come, nobody’s gonna go.

Oliver: Okay, I’ll go. But you’re all doing this at your own risk.

Carol: We’ll take our chances.

(They all get in the car.)

Greg: Everybody put your seat belt on for the speed tour.

(They arrive at the studio. Carol cautions the kids to stay together. They meet Mr. Douglas, the studio manager.)

Carol: We’re all together.

Mr. Douglas: All right. 2,4,6,7, is that 8 or 9?

Carol: 9.

Mr. Douglas: Well, may I ask your name?

Carol: Carol Brady?

Mr. Douglas: Ms. Brady.

Carol (correcting him): That’s Mrs. Brady.

Mr. Douglas: Mrs. Brady, would you please step through the gate to one side for a moment?

Greg: Is something wrong?

Mr. Douglas: Oh, hardly.

(The family follows Carol inside. Greg sees a beautiful actress walking buy.)

Greg: I wonder what movie she’s in.

Carol: Oh, just watch it.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, what’s going on?

Carol: I don’t know.

Greg: Why did he call us over?

(Mr. Douglas approaches them.)

Mr. Douglas: I’m Jim Douglas, and I’m in charge of Marathon Studios tours. Congratulations, Mrs.Brady.

Carol: What for?

Mr. Douglas: Well, you have nine people in your group. And the ninth is the one millionth visitor to come through our gates. So you win the grand prize.

(They all get excited.)

Carol: What is the grand prize, Mr. Douglas?

Mr. Douglas: Well, you all get to appear in a marathon studio movie.

(They all get even more excited.)

Carol: Wait a second, kids. (to Mr. Douglas) We’re really so thrilled with this honor.

Jan: Are we gonna be actors?

Mr. Douglas: Well, not exactly actors. You’ll all be extras. That is, if you want to have a lot of fun.

(They all cheer.)

Carol: Well gang, huh, kids.

(They give their approval.)

Mr. Douglas: Okay, wonderful. If you’ll all step upstairs into wardrobe. They’ll take care of you up there.

(He walks away.)

Carol: Oh, thanks, Oliver. Because of you, we’re nine instead of eight.

Bobby: Yeah, if it wasn’t for Oliver, the people behind us would’ve been in the movie.

Alice: Do you still feel like a jynx?

Oliver: Not anymore.

(They step into wardrobe. Next, they are wearing funny clothes and on the set of the movie.)

Director: Okay, everybody, we’ll go for a take. Now remember, Brady family, this is a take off of an all-time silent movie. And you know what you’re supposed to do. (They agree) Okay, good. Take your places and have a lot of fun with it. Oh, and don’t look at the camera. All right, okay, roll it. (The slapstick guy comes out) all rightm, ready and action.

(They’re all walking down the street.)

Director (yelling): Okay, now you hear the car accident! Crash! now react, react. (They act in the way he said to) Okay, now move off toward the car.

(Two trucks crashed into each other. The drivers are arguing and one of them takes a pie and throws in the other one’s face. Then he takes a pie and throws it in the other man’s face. The Bradys laugh as a cop comes over and gets hit with a pie as well. The cop takes a pie and hits Alice with it. She takes two pies and hits Greg and Peter. They take two pies and Greg hits Bobby in the face. Peter puts his pie on Bobby’s head, then he and Greg shake hands. Then the guys throw pies at the girls, who, in turn, throw at Carol. She takes a pie over to Oliver.)

Carol: Welcome to the family, Oliver.

(He throws a pie on his head. The rest of the family throw pies at him as well.)

Director: Cut, cut, cut, hold it, hold it, terrific, that’s just terrific. (He gets hit with a pie as well) Perfect.

(They continue with the pie throwing as the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Oliver writing a letter. Alice comes in.)

Alice: Hi, Oliver.

Oliver: Hi.

Alice: Hmm, writing a letter?

Oliver: Yeah, to my folks. I told them all about being in the movie and how much I like being here with everybody.

Alice: Well, that’s nice. We like having you hear with us.

Oliver: Right after I finish, I’ll take out the trash.

Alice: It’s Bobby’s turn to take out the trash.

Oliver: He shoved it off on me, just like he mad eme sweep up the garage.

Alice: That isn’t very nice of him.

Oliver: Oh, I don’t mind. On account of the lizard.

Alice: What lizard?

Oliver: The one I’m gonna put in his bed.

Alice: Oh, just make sure it’s out before I change the sheets.


S5 E16 Out Of This World

Out Of This World

Written by Larry Rhine and Al Schwartz

Peter and Bobby believe they saw a U.F.O. and set out to prove it. I hope you enjoy the script.













HERLO, male Kaplutian

SHIM, female Kaplutian

CAPTAIN McCARTNEY, Police captain who inspects U.F.O.

(The episode begins at a TV station. Mario Machado is interviewing Brigadier General Jim McDivitt on his alleged sighting of a U.F.O.)

Mario: I’m sure you all remember Jim McDivitt, who was one of the two astronauts in the second Gemini flight, which happened to be the eighth man space flight. Well, I’m your host Mario Machado, and the show is news event. And we’re here to discuss the current rash of U.F.O. sightings. Our special guest, now Brigadier General Jim McDivitt, not only was a former astronaut, he also claims to have seen an unidentified flying object. (to Jim) First, welcome here. When was that, General?

Jim: It was during the flight of Gemini 4, Mario, in June, 1965.

Mario: Could you describe this U.F.O. for us?

Jim: Yes, it was a white object. (She uses his hands to describe the shape and form) It had been about, that high. It would’ve been about that big a round, and had a long white tube sticking out of it.

Mario: Any idea what it was?

Jim: I tried to take some pictures, but because of the way the camera was set, and the way the light was shining on the windshield, we never really got anything back except a couple of beautiful sunspots on the window. Nothing else.

Mario: Yet you still believe that was a U.F.O. that you saw in that flying orbit.

Jim: Well, it was a U.F.O., that means unidentified flying object. Whether or not it was life from another planet, I don’t really know.

Mario: General, let me lay it on the line, are you saying, do you believe that life exists elsewhere in the universe?

Jim: Yes, Mario, I really do. I think it would be very na├»ve and really super egotistical on our part to believe that we’re the only form of life in all this vast, vast universe, in which we live.

(The general is signing autographs for some kids before he signs for Peter and Bobby.)

Peter: Could you sign it, to my good friend, Peter Brady.

Jim: Sure thing.

Bobby: I’m his brother Bobby, make me a good friend, too.

Jim: Sure thing, Bobby. I could always use another good friend.

(He gives his signatures to them.)

Bobby: That U.F.O. you saw, were there any people in it?

Jim: I’m not really sure. I never got close enough to find out, Bobby.

Bobby: There could’ve been, right?

Jim: Oh yes, always possible.

Bobby: That’s my theory, too.

Peter: Thanks, General.

Bobby: Keep up the good work.

(He shakes his hand.)

General: I’ll try.

(He leaves.)

Bobby: Wow, I’m not gonna wash that hand for a month.

Peter: Big deal. You wouldn’t wash it anyway.

(That evening, Bobby is awakened by strange sounds. He awakens Peter.)

Bobby: Hey, Pete, wake up. (He wakes) Do you hear a weird noise?

Peter: Yeah, you yapping.

(He goes back to sleep.)

Bobby: No, for real. Listen.

(Peter hears them as well.)

Peter: Yeah, I do hear a weird noise.

Bobby: It sounds like it’s coming from outside.

(They look out the window and see a strange object.)

Bobby: It’s gone. That couldn’t have been an airplane.

Peter: Not moving like that. Bobby, you know what we just saw?

Bobby: Yeah, a U.F.O.

Peter: A real live unidentified flying object.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Peter, Bobby and the girls having breakfast in the kitchen. Alice carries three heavy paper bags.)

Alice: Cindy, grab two bottles. Somebody almost had apple sauce for lunch.

Peter: Boy, you guys should’ve seen it. It zipped back and forth, and then up and down.

Bobby: And then it just hung there in space.

Peter: We saw that U.F.O. plain as day.

Bobby: Except it was night.

Marcia (teasing): Did you see little green people, too?

Bobby (defiantly): There had to be somebody inside it!

Alice: If I zipped back and forth and up and down and hung there in space, I’d be little green people too.

Jan: It was probably a helicopter you saw.

Peter: Without a propeller?

Cindy: Then I bet it was a blimp.

Bobby: How could it be a blimp. It didn’t have any advertising on it.

(Greg comes in.)

Alice: Hey, Greg.

Greg: Good morning.

Alice: What did you do to your lip?

Greg: I cut myself shaving.

NOTE: Barry Williams (Greg) was involved in a car accident prior to shooting this episode and received a split lip.

Peter: Every time he looks in the mirror he gets carried away with himself.

Greg: Very funny. What’s the big discussion?

Bobby: Peter and I saw a U.F.O. last night.

Greg: Don’t make me laugh on my lip.

Peter: No, we really did see one.

Greg: I read in the newspaper where a psychologist thinks seeing U.F.O.’s is nothing more than mass hysteria.

Peter: This wasn’t any mass. It was just me and Bobby.

Marcia: You don’t even have any witnesses to prove that you saw it.

Bobby: Sure we do. I’m Peter’s witness and he’s mine.

Jan: If you ask me, I think they’re both nuts.

Peter: Well, nobody asked you.

Bobby: We happen to be good friends with a real astronaut who saw a U.F.O.

Greg: I’ll believe U.F.O.’s exist when I see one, or at least see a genuine picture of one..

(Greg, Marcia, Jan and Cindy all leave for school.)

Bobby: You believe in U.F.O.’s, don’t you, Alice?

Alice: If I can believe I’m still 28 and weigh 103 pounds, I can believe anytihng.

(They start to leave.)

Peter (to Bobby): Yeah, wait till the guys at school hear.

Bobby: Yeah. See it go back and forth, and upside down.

(Later on, Carol is taking a picture of a fruit dish. Alice helps her set it up.)

Alice: How’s that, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: Oh, Alice, the focus is so clear I can see the fuzz on that peach.

Alice: You want to shoot it or shave it.

Carol: Let’s shoot it.

Alice: Okay, fellas. this is a take.

(She moves a banana.)

Carol: Oh, Alice, now I can’t see the grapes.

(She moves the grapes.)

Alice: Is that better?

Carol: No, Alice, now I can’t see the oranges.

Alice: Why don’t we just chop the whole thing up and make fruit salad out of it, then you can see everything.

Carol: Thanks, Alice, I’ll fix it myself. Okay.

(As she does so, Mike walks in.)

Alice: Hi, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Hi, Alice.

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hello, sweetheart.

(They kiss and Mike grabs an apple. He goes to take a bite.)

Carol: Oh, Mike, no, no, no. Please.

Mike: You can have the apple back, but can I have my teeth back.

Alice: She’s trying to photograph the fruit for her contest, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Oh, I see. Well, if you ask me, your arrangement looks a little staged and formal.

Carol: Look, how do you tell a bowl of fruit to relax and look casual. Besides, I don’t remember asking you.

(She physically moves him from the family room. She then tries to take another picture but Jan and Cindy come in.)

Jan: Hi, Mom.

Cindy: Hi.

(They both take a piece of fruit.)

Carol (shouting): Hey, kids, wait a minute. You’re eating my picture!

(She then gives a what the heck look and eats an apple.)

(Bobby and Peter come home upset in the next scene.)

Peter: The guys in junior high school would be smarter.

Bobby: Yeah, the guys in my school probably think the world is still flat.

Mike: Hello, boys. Is something wrong?

Peter: Yeah, nobody in my school believes I saw a U.F.O.

Bobby: They laughed at me in my school.

Carol: Well, you boys believe what you want to believe and let them believe what they want to believe.

Peter: Mom, you don’t understand. Our reputations are at stake. They think we’re lying.

Bobby: Yeah, more than usual.

Peter: We need some proof we saw a U.F.O.

Mike (jokingly): Well, if it shows up again, ask Flash Brady here. She’ll take some pictures of it for you.

Bobby: Hey, that’s a good idea.

Peter: Mom, can we borrow your camera tonight? Maybe it’ll show up again.

Carol (sheepishly): Oh, all right, but take good care of it. Okay?

Bobby: We’ll take super care of it.

Peter: We’ll camp out in the backyard, and if it shows up, we’ll have all the proof we need.

Mike: Hold it, fellas, not so fast about the backyard.

Bobby: Oh, please, Dad. We can sleep in our sleeping bags and we can go camping.

Peter: Yeah, and this is right in our own backyard. Please?

Mike: Well, okay. You can camp out but on two conditions.

Peter: Two conditions?

Mike: Right. 1. You promise to get some sleep because tonight’s a school night. And 2. When a U.F.O. lands, don’t wake us up in the middle of the night to go out and greet it.

Bobby: Okay.

(That evening, they are outside with Carol’s camera.)

Bobby: You sure you know how to work that thing?

Peter: Yeah, Mom showed me.

Bobby: You got any film in it?

Peter: Of course.

Bobby: It’s pretty dark out here. You got the right opening on it?

Peter: It’s open all the way.

Bobby: Remember the lands cap. Don’t forget about that.

Peter: Bobby, I took off the lands cap. Now, it’s all set. Now, why don’t you get to sleep and I’ll take the first watch.

Bobby: How do you expect me to sleep at a time like this?

Peter: Okay, then, you watch the east and I’ll watch the west.

Bobby: Good idea. (He taps Peter) Which way’s east?

Peter: Over there.

(Jan and Cindy come outside.)

Cindy: Hey, did the U.F.O. land yet?

Bobby: No, do you see one?

Jan: Oh, we thought that maybe you hid it in your sleeping bags?

Peter: Look, if you came out here to make jokes, you can leave.

Bobby: Yeah.

Cindy: We believe in flying objects, Peter.

Jan: It’s just that flying objects don’t believe in us.

Peter (getting up): Listen, if you guys aren’t out of here in three seconds, you’re both gonna be flying objects!

Jan: Oh, quiver.

Cindy: Quake, quake.

Peter: Blast off.

(They leave and we take you to later in the evening, with them still outside.)

Peter: it’s getting prett ylate.

Bobby: Yeah, U.F.O.’s are sure undependable.

(They hear a strange sound, then an object starts to float in the sky.)

Bobby: The U.F.O.!

Peter: It’s back!

Bobby: Don’t just lie there, take pictures! (They get out of their sleeping bags and to the camera) Come on! Get up!

(Peter goes to the camera to get a picture. We see Greg in the attic room blowing on a whistle out the window and holding a flashlight.)

Bobby: Get any good pictures?

Peter: Yeah, but I wish it would stand still.

(Greg continues to blow out the window. Marcia comes up to see him.)

Marcia: Greg, what are you doing with that flashlight?

Greg: I was scaring a cat out the back fence.

(She looks out the window and sees Peter and Bobby.)

Bobby: It’s gone.

Peter: It just disappeared into nothing.

Marcia: I don’t see any fence.

Greg: Of course not, I scared it away. What are you doing here?

Marcia: You wanted to borrow my thermos for your fishing trip.

Greg: Oh, yeah, thanks.

Bobby (to Peter): Keep looking. The U.F.O. might come back.

Marcia (folding her arms): So, you’re the U.F.O. (Greg gives a guilty look) Isn’t that kind of a dirty trick?

Greg: I was just getting even with those two creeps for telling Mom and Dad I got home late Saturday night.

Marcia: Well, it’s still a dirty trick, but I love it because they squealed on me last week, too. (They laugh) How does it work?

Greg: Let me show you. I strung up a piece of fishing line over the yard between those trees. And then I hid a clear plastic curtain behind one of those trees. I use this cord to pull it off. I just flash this red light on it. Blow this whistle. Presto. Instant U.F.O.

(He shows her and it causes the guys to think they see it again. Bobby pushes Peter roughly.)

Bobby: Peter, the U.F.O.!

Peter: I see it!

Bobby: Hurry up, take pictures!

(They go to take another picture.)

Marcia: Greg, you’re a genius. (He blows more on the whistle) Can I try it?

Greg: Okay. (He gives her the flashlight) Hold it steady.

Marcia: Okay. (She holds the flashlight while he blows on the whistle) Like that?

Greg: Yeah, don’t hit the tree.

Peter: Boy, are these gonna be great pictures.

Bobby: Yeah, wait till the guys at school see them.

Peter: Wait till the world sees them, we’ll be famous.

Bobby: Take pictures.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Carol showing Mike some negatives in their bedroom.)

Carol: You want to see your 12 kids.

Mike: 12? How did we get 12?

Carol: I double exposed the negatives. Look.

(He looks at the pictures and the door knocks loudly.)

Mike: Come in.

(Peter and Bobby run in.)

Peter: Dad, we saw it again!

Bobby: The U.F.O. was here!

Peter: And this time we have proof on film!

Mike: You really think you saw something?

Peter: Honest, Dad.

Bobby: Double honest. Mom, will you develop the film for us?

Carol: Sure, first thing in the morning.

Peter: We mean now.

Carol: Oh, honey, it’s late and everything’s put away. In the morning.

Bobby: But the morning’s a long way off.

Peter: We’ll toss and turn all night. We won’t get any sleep.

Mike: We’ll risk it. Hit the sack. (He sends them out) Good night, boys. Sleep well.

Carol: Mike, what do you suppose they really saw?

Mike: Beats me.

Carol: Do you think there are U.F.O.’s?

Mike: Well, anytihng is possible.

(Later that night, Bobby dreams he is outside with a camera and a flying saucer lands. A space creature known as Herlo comes out. He starts walking down the steps.)

Herlo: One small step for spacemen. One giant step for Kaplutians.

(He jumps from the steps and safely lands on his feet. Then he looks inside the saucer for his wife, Shim.)

Herlo: Come on, honey.

(Shim comes out with his help. She is holding a flag with a K on it, short for Kaplutus. He takes it and we show Bobby sleeping, then back to the dream sequence. They’re holding a bag with a football in it. They see Bobby.)

Shim: Look, Herlo, a space creature. Strange looking.

(Herlo checks him out.)

Herlo: Round head. Weird white color. Are you friend or enemy?

Bobby: Oh, I’m a friend. Welcome to Earth.

Herlo: Earth? Is that what they call this planet?

Bobby: Uh-huh. Where are you from?

Herlo: Oh, we’re from Kaplutus.

Bobby: Kaplutus? Where’s that?

Herlo: Everyone knows where Kaplutus is. It’s between Zelda and Varda.

Bobby: Are all Kaplutians your size?

Shim: No.

Herlo: Are all earth people your size?

Bobby: Oh, no. Here on Earth I’m very small.

Herlo: On Kaplutus, we’re very big.

Bobby: Hey, can I take a picture of you, so i can prove you’re here?

Herlo: Sure.

Shim: My hair must look a mess after that 10 billion mile trip.

Bobby: Smile.

(They move closer together as Bobby takes a few shots of them.)

Herlo (to Shim): Honey, why don’t we take this strange looking creature back home with us, to prove there’s life on other planets.

Shim: A good idea, darling.

Herlo (to Bobby): How would you like to come to our planet and visit civilization?

Bobby (excited): Boy, would I! How long would it take?

Herlo: Oh, short time. I’ll have you back in 3,000 years.

Bobby: 3,000 years?

Shim: Only 10 minutes your time, honey.

Bobby (still excited): Wow, I’m going on a flying saucer! (He happily hops in the saucer with the Kaplutians) Bye.

(The saucer takes off while Bobby is saying in his sleep that he’s going on a flying saucer. Peter wakes him up.)

Peter: Bobby, wake up.

Bobby: Huh?

Peter: You were dreaming about a trip on a flying saucer.

Bobby: Yeah, and I was gonna be a basketball star on Kaplutus.

(Next, Carol is developing the pictures in a darkroom, with Peter and Bobby watching.)

Peter: Hurry up, Mom, the world is waiting to see our pictures.

Carol: Would you relax, Peter. These prints take a long time.

Bobby: Hey, Pete. What if Mom ruins them?

Peter: She won’t ruin them. (to Carol) Will you?

Bobby: Remember, she’s an amateur. Maybe we should’ve taken them to a professional.

Carol: Thanks a lot. I am overwhelmed by your under confidence.

(Alice brings some pancakes to the other kids in the kitchen.)

Alice: Anyone for more flapjacks? Hot off the grill and still flapping?

Cindy: For me, Alice.

Jan: Me too.

(They raise their plates and she serves them.)

Greg: No thanks, I gotta get going.

Marcia: Same here.

Alice: Aren’t you two gonna stick around and see how Peter and Bobby’s U.F.O. pictures turn out?

Greg: No. In their case I think U.F.O. means undoubtedly flipped out.

Marcia: Hey, Alice, if any space creatures do show up, give them some flapjacks and tell them to stick around for a while.

Cindy: Do you think Peter and Bobby really did see a U.F.O.?

Jan: They think they saw something, something shaped like a cigar.

(They come out with pictures.)

Peter (excited): Look at this! We got them!

Bobby: We got them!

(They show Jan and Cindy.)

Peter: Look, a real U.F.O.!

Bobby: In the flesh!

Carol: Alice, look, there really is something in that film.

Peter: Right there.

Bobby: That’s sort of blah.

Jan: That really does look like a U.F.O.

Alice: It looks so tiny.

Bobby: What do you mean tiny? That’s your average sized U.F.O.

Cindy: That’s a U.F.O. all right.

Peter: Sure, we better call the newspapers.

Bobby: And tell them we identified an unidentified flying object.

Carol: Hold it, boys. Hold it. You’re not going anywhere until your father gets home from work and takes a look at those pictures.

(Mike is in his den, checking the pictures out.)

Carol: Well, Mike, what do you think?

Mike: Well, I’ve come to a conclusion.

Carol: And.

Mike: They’re either U.F.O.’s, or they’re not U.F.O.’s. How’s that for a definite maybe?

Carol: Even your maybe doesn’t sound very definite.

Mike: I haven’t seen very many U.F.O.’s.

Carol: What do you think we ought to do?

Mike: Pass the buck, to somebody who should know about it more than we do. (He gets on the phone) Operator, could you get me the number please for Carter Air Force Base?

(Alice is dusting in the kitchen and she hears the doorbell. It is Captain McCartney to investigate.)

Captain McCartney: Mr. Brady, please, I’m Captain McCartney.

Alice: Are you selling tickets to the policeman’s ball or is this a bust?

Captain McCartney (wryly): I’m here to investigate an alleged sighting of an alleged U.F.O.

Alice: Oh, that. Come in, please. I thought Mr. Brady reported that to the air Force.

Captain McCartney: He did, but the Air Force stuck the Police Department. You see, the Air Force refuses to keep investigating things that don’t exist, and I share their opinion.

Alice: Then how come you’re here investigating something that doesn’t exist?

Captain McCartney: Because I only have two more years to go for my pension.

Alice: Oh, oh, this way please.

(We take you to the family room. Captain McCartney is checking out the pictures.)

Captain McCartney: You say these photos are genuine, Mr. Brady?

Mike: Yes, that’s right, Captain.

Peter: I took them myself.

Bobby: With Mom’s camera.

Carol: And I developed them, Captain.

Captain McCartney (checking them over): Well, these could be anything. Weather balloon (She sees Alice bending over to look), reflection, swamp gas.

Bobby: We don’t have a swamp in our backyard.

Captain McCartney: Well, whatever it is, it’s defintely not a U.F.O.

(He gets upset over seeing Alice bending over him again.)

Mike: How can you be so certain, Captain?

Captain McCartney: Because there are no U.F.O.’s, Mr. Brady. I’ve investigated hundreds of sightings of U.F.O.’s, and the little green people, and you’d be amazed, how many of them stagger in the station on Saturday night.

(Greg and Marcia come by.)

Greg: What’s going on?

Carol: Captain McCartney is here to investigate the U.F.O. pictures Peter took.

Marcia: Oh, no.

(Greg goes up to Mike.)

Greg: Dad, I have to talk to you.

Mike: Later.

Greg: It’s urgent, Dad.

Mike: Later, Greg.

Greg: It’s really urgent. Can’t wait.

Mike: Excuse me.

Greg: Excuse us, Captain.

(Greg takes Mike up to the attic, where he shows him what he had done.)

Greg: I used this cord to pull out this plastic curtain, then I get this flashlight, and this whistle. Flash it on the screen, there’s your U.F.O.

(He demonstrates to Mike. Cut to the family room.)

Captain McCartney: Well, I think we wasted enough time on this U.F.O. nonsense, Mrs. Brady. Good night and… (He hears the sound Greg’s whistle makes) What’s that?

(He hears it again and sees it.)

Peter: Our U.F.O.!

Bobby: It’s back!

(Marcia tries to stop them.)

Bobby: Hey, our U.FO. is back

(They all look excitingly out the window.)

Carol: Well, what do you say now, Captain?

Captain McCartney: I actually saw one. Hey, where’s the phone, I got to report this.

(Alice points him to the phone.)

Marcia: Captain, maybe you can wait.

Captain McCartney: Nonsense, young lady. (He dials) Sergeant, Captain McCartney, I want to report a U.F.O. Lift the Air Defense Command immediately.

(It disappears.)

Bobby: Hey, it’s gone again.

Captain McCartney (on the phone): Don’t argue with me, Sergeant, don’t you think I know a U.F.O.? I saw it with my own eyes. Oh, (to Peter) son, you with the camera, get a picture of me reporting this.

Peter: Sure.

(He takes a few shots. We go back up to the attic with Greg and Mike.)

Greg: I’m really sorry about the whole thing, Dad.

Mike: It was a pretty silly thing to do.

Greg: I never thought it would get this out of hand. I guess I got some explaining to do.

Mike: Mmm hmm. Not only to me.

Greg (to himself): Yeah, I wonder what Captain Mccartney’s gonna say.

(We next see the captain up in Greg’s room.)

Captain McCartney (frustrated): I knew it was a hoax. There’s no such thing as U.F.O.’s. They’re all fakes and phonies and I never…

Mike: You reported it to your office, Captain.

Captain McCartney (to Greg); I’ll keep my mouth shut if you keep your mouth shut.

Greg: It’s a deal. I won’t tell anyone about your phone call to the sergeant if you don’t tell anyone about my U.F.O.

Captain McCartney: Deal.

(They shake hands and the captain leaves. Greg and Mike slap each other five and the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike and Carol scolding Greg for his actions.)

Carol: I hope you realize how your joke nearly snowballed into an avalanche.

Greg: I sure do, Mom. Now I got to figure out a way to make it up to Peter and Bobby. They’re really down on me.

Mike: Well, Greg, you’ll have plenty of time to think about it because you just lost the car for this weekend.

Greg: This weekend’s my big fishing trip, Dad.

Mike: Well, I’m afraid you’ll have to tell the fish that you were grounded.

Greg: Grounded? But all the guys are expecting to meet me up there.

Mike: Sorry, Greg, no car.

Greg: How am i gonna get there without a car?

Carol: Well, I guess you’ll just have to hitch a ride on a U.F.O.


S5 E15 The Driver’s Seat

The Driver’s Seat

Written by George Tibbles

Marcia and Greg bet who could get the higher driver’s ed score. I hope you enjoy the script.












(The episode begins with Alice coming down the stairs. She is dusting the rails and then picks up some newspapers at the bottom of the staircase.. Then she joined Carol in the living room.)

Alice (showing the paper to Carol): Mrs. Brady, look at this, my horoscope for today. You will find yourself involved in a new romance. That kind of creates a problem.

Carol: Why, Alice?

Alice: Because no one’s got me involved in an old romance.

(Marcia comes in the front door.)

Marcia (excited): Mom, Alice, ta dah. Behold a celebrity.

Alice (jokingly): I hate to see the kids come dragging in from school in all that blue mood.

Carol: Don’t tell me, you passed your driver’s education test.

Marcia: Not only did I pass. I got the highest score in the class.

Carol (hugging her); Oh, Marcia, that’s wonderful. I’m so proud of you.

Marcia: I’m proud of me too. I’ve got to tell Greg the good news.

(Greg is outside working on the car when Marcia tells him. He is none too pleased to hear the news.)

Greg: You’ve got to be kidding.

Marcia: I’m not kidding.

Greg: You outscored everybody in driver’s ed? Even the guys?

Marcia: Now that’s a typical male chauvinist reaction. You’re prejudiced against women drivers.

Greg: No, I’m not. Not as long as they stay off the road.

Marcia: Boy, are you prejudiced.

Greg: It’s not prejudice. It’s just that men are naturally superior drivers.

Marcia: Would you like to back that statement up with a bet, Mr. male chauvinist?

Greg: Any time.

Marcia: Okay, I’ll bet you that I get a higher score on my driver’s license exam than you got.

Greg: You’re funnier than Lucille Ball. What do you wanna bet?

Marcia: Well, the winner does the loser’s household chores for a whole month.

Greg: Well, I’ll say this. You’ll be the prettiest trash man in the neighborhood.

Marcia: And you’ll look cute in an apron. I’ll beat you easy.

Greg: Okay, we got a bet, and no backing out. A whole month.

(Marcia gives herself a worried look as the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Marcia and Mike driving home, with Marcia at the wheel. He gives her a congratulatory pat on the shoulder before they come home. Meanwhile, Peter gets up to use the bathroom after he gets paint on his hands. The door is locked, however.)

Peter: Who’s in there?

Jan: Me.

Peter: Well, how long are you gonna be?

(She opens the door.)

Jan: Resolved. A girl can spend as much time in the bathroom as she likes. Yes or no? Pick a side.

Peter: You can have both sides. I just want to wash this paint off my hands.

Jan: Not until you debate me. Subject is, who has the right to the bathroom?

Peter: Jan, you’ve been in the shower too long. Your brain is water logged.

(He goes in and Jan comes out. Bobby and Cindy are playing checkers in the girls’room. Bobby beats Cindy.)

Bobby: I win.

(Cindy gets bummed.)

Jan: Maybe Bobby cheated.

Cindy (to Bobby): Did you cheat?

Bobby: No. Jan’s just got a big mouth and bad eyes.

Jan: he didn’t really cheat, Cindy.

Cindy: Then why did you say that?

Jan: It’s a debating tactic. I force Bobby into defending himself by accusing him of something.

Bobby: I get enough accusing around here from Mom and Dad.

Jan: Hey, you two accuse me of something and I’ll defend myself.

Bobby: Okay, I accuse you of being weird.

(He leaves the room.)

Jan (to Cindy): I’m on the debating team at school, and I really need practice. Choose a subject and pick a side.

Cindy: Okay, I pick Bobby’s side. You are weird.

(She leaves as well.)

Jan (to herself): Won’t anyone around here debate me? (she picks up Cindy’s doll, Kitty-Karry-All) You, pick a side.

(Marcia and Mike come in from after her driving lesson.)

Marcia: Hi.

Mike: Hi.

Carol: Well, Mike, how did she do? is she gonna be a great driver?

(Greg comes in the kitchen.)

Greg: Hey Dad, can I borrow the car? I’m late for a date.

Mike: The answer to questions 1 and 2 are great, honey. And the answer to question 3, ask Marcia, she’s got the keys.

Greg: Uh-oh. Did you leave the fenders on the car, woman driver?

Marcia: Dad said I did great.

Carol: And just what have you got against women drivers, young man?

Greg: No offense, Mom, but it’s an established fact that men are better drivers. They’re always in control, women are too emotional. Right, Dad?

Mike: Listen, it so happens that your mother and your sister are excellent drivers.

Greg: Boy, marriage really takes all the nerve out of a guy. (He grabs the keys) See you later.

(Next, all the kids are going down the stairs, leaving for school. Alice and Carol are passing out their lunch bags.)

Alice: Good luck on your debate today, Jan.

Jan: Thank you. Do I look okay, Mom?

Carol: Oh, sweetheart, you look lovely. Now, don’t be nervous about a thing.

Jan: Who’s nervous?

Carol: I am.

Alice: Don’t worry. I put something in your lunch every debater can use.

Jan: What?

Alice: Baloney.

(They all laugh and Jan and Marcia leave for school.)

Marcia (to Jan): When I get my driver’s license, I can drive you to school.

Jan: Yeah, that’ll be super. I can’t wait until I get my driver’s license.

Marcia: It won’t be that long.

Jan: Yeah. (to Carol) Don’t worry, Mom, I’ll clobber them.

(Next, we show her coming home in a depressed mood. Carol is on the phone with a friend.)

Carol: Look, Liz, I’ll have to call you back, okay. Bye.

(She hangs up and goes to comfort Jan.)

Carol: You don’t have to tell me. Your team lost the debate.

Jan: I lost it for them. Me. personally.

Carol: What happened?

Jan: I’d have nightmares about it forever. I knew exactly what I was gonna say, then I got up there, and my tongue felt three sizes too big for my mouth, and the teachers were staring at me, and some boys snickered and, I made some dumb noises.

Carol (hugging her): Oh, poor baby.

Jan: I froze, Mother. They had to replace me. I’ve never been so humiliated in all my life.

(The next scene has Greg and Marcia sitting at the table in the kitchen.)

Greg: I know what would solve the problem. If they had a separate lane for women drivers.

Marcia (annoyed): Why do you keep insisting that men are better drivers than women?

Greg: Because they are.

Marcia: Alice.

Alice: Don’t drag me into this, Marcia. I’m strictly middle of the road.

Greg: Which is where you’ll find 90% of the women drivers blocking traffic. (Marcia and Alice refuse to laugh) I thought that was funny.

Marcia (bitterly): There’s nothing humorous about prejudice.

Greg: Well, let’s look at it another way. What’s an overhead cam?

(Marcia ponders a little bit.)

Marcia: How should I know?

Greg: It’s part of the engine. Every driver should know all the parts of his car.

Marcia: Well, look. I don’t know how to build a clock, but I can tell time.

Alice: Hey, that’s a good point, Marcia.

Greg: I thought you were middle of the road, Alice.

Alice: Well, I just ran into a detour sign.

Greg: You think you’re so hot on wheels, Marcia? How about sweetening our bet a little. The loser does the winner’s chores for 6 months.

Marcia: 6 months?

Greg: Unless you’re afraid of losing, of course.

Marcia: Who’s afraid? It’s a bet.

Greg (laughing): A sucker bet.

(He gets up and leaves.)

Marcia: I’ll show him, Alice. Women can be better drivers than men.

Alice: You said it.

Marcia: Men are egotistical, arrogant, smug and conceited. Right, Alice?

Alice: Right. Just don’t quote me to Sam on that.

(Marcia goes up to her room, where Jan is still moping.)

Marcia: That Greg with his superior male attitude.

Jan: I’ll trade problems with you anytime.

Marcia: You just lost one debate. Big deal.

Jan: It was to me.

Marcia: Resolved. Now you could sit there full of self-pity, or you could be mature, and do something about it. Pick a side.

Jan: I don’t want to pick a side.

Marcia: Jan, you were just scared because it was your first face-to-face debate.

Jan: And boy, did I ever lose face.

Marcia: But now that you know what to expect, you’re past the problem.

Jan: You make it sound easy.

Marcia: It is. It’s all up here (the brain) Just psyche yourself up before your next debate and you got it made.

Jan: If only I could.

Marcia: You can. Money back guarantee.

Jan: Can you give me a better guarantee. You know what money’s worth these days.

(Mike and Carol are having coffee in the kitchen. Alice is serving them.)

Alice: Well, today is the big day.

Mike: Yeah, we got a double header going. Listen, I predict Marcia is gonna pass her driver’s test with flying colors.

Carol: Right, and I predict that Jan is gonna do just great in today’s debate.

Alice: And I predict that you two are great predictors.

(Marcia, Jan and Greg come in the kitchen.)

Marcia: Hi, Alice.

Jan: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Marcia: Now, remember what I said about psyching yourself up, Jan.

Jan: Yeah, but I’m still nervous.

Greg: Oh, relax, Jan. Women can’t be great at everything, but they make wonderful debaters. (Marcia gets disgusted.)

Mike (to Jan): Listen, do you mind if I offer you a suggestion?

Jan: Oh, I’ll take any advice I can get, Dad.

Mike: There is a famous old story about a man who had to get up and speak in front of some very important people, and he was petrified.

Jan: I’m with him.

Mike: Yeah, but a friend gave him some advice and says ‘look, when you get up in front of those V.I.P.’s, you picture them sitting there in their underwear’.

Jan (laughing): In their underwear?

(Everyone else laughs.)

Carol: Oh, Mike. Is that true?

Mike: Sure it is. It worked like a charm, too. Because it made him realize that his audience was only human. I mean, you can’t be very frightening in your underwear.

Alice: Oh, I don’t know. You should see me in mine.

Jan: I’ll remember that, Dad. Thnaks, bye.

Mike: Good.

Carol: Bye, honey. Marcia, are you gonna meet your father after school.

Marcia: Yeah, Dad’s gonna drive me to the Department of Motor Vehicles, and I’m gonna drive him home with my new license. Then we’ll have another driver in the family.

Greg: Then you’ll start doing my chores.

(He starts to leave.)

Marcia: No way, Mr. Man driver. (to Carol and Mike) Good-bye.

(She leaves as well.)

Carol: No fighting.

(We take you to the department of Motor Vehicles. Mike and Marcia are in the car waiting for the instructor.)

Mike: You feel okay, honey?

Marcia: Terrific, Dad. Especially after I scored 98 points on the written exam. That’s four points better than Greg got.

Mike: Good girl.

(He gets out of the car as the driving instructor comes.)

Examiner: How are you, sir?

Mike: Prety good. Thank you.

Examiner: Good. (He gets in the car) Marcia Brady?

Marcia: Yes, sir.

Examiner: All set, Ms. Brady? You can start the car now.

Marcia: Not until you fasten your seat belt.

(He does so.)

Examiner: All right, Ms. Brady, you can start the car now. (Suddenly, she starts to freeze) Start the car now, please. (She tries but can’t seem to start the car) You nervous, miss? Turn the ignition on, please.

(She tries and the car moves only an inch. Everything else goes wrong. The trunk moves up and the windshield wipers start up. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Bobby and Cindy playing on the seesaw as Mike and Marcia come home.)

Cindy: Hey, look, they’re here!

(They run up to the car.)

Bobby: Marcia, we’ve been waiting.

Cindy: Yeah, take us for a ride.

Mike: Not now, kids.

Bobby: But she promised to drive us when she got her license.

Marcia: By then, I’ll be too old to drive.

(She gets out of the car and goes inside.)

Cindy (to Mike): What’s wrong with her?

Mike: Well, she did what a lot of other new drivers have done.

Bobby: You mean she already got a ticket?

(Marcia is inside telling Carol about her disaster.)

Marcia: I’ve never been so humiliated in my whole life. I froze at the wheel.

Carol: Oh, I’m sorry, Marcia. But I’m sure that next time…

Marcia: I’d rather hitchhike through life than go through that again.

(She walks in through the kitchen and sees Greg.)

Greg: Well, you actually found your way home from your driver’s exam. How did you do?

Marcia (angry): Okay, so you won the bet. Go ahead, make jokes, rub it in.

Greg: Hey, I was just teasing you. What happened? (She storms off) Women.

(bobby and Cindy go to Mike and Carol in the living room to talk about Marcia.)

Bobby: Mom, Dad, can we say something?

Carol: About what?

Cindy: About Marcia’s problem.

Bobby: Yeah, See, we got some fantastic ideas on how to handle it.

Mike: Good. How wouild you handle it?

Cindy: If she were my daughter, I’d make her write out 500 times, I flunked the driver’s test.

Carol: Oh, well, that’s a thought.

Bobby: If she were my daughter, I’d stop her allowance for a whole year.

Mike: If you should flunk your driving test, is that what you would like me to do with you?

Bobby: Come on, Cindy, let’s think of something else.

(Alice comes in the living room.)

Alice: Mrs. Brady, do you figure that Marcia will be joining you for dinner, or should I fix up a tray for her room?

Carol: Maybe you better make that two trays, Alice.

Alice: Two trays?

Mike: Depending on how Jan does today on her big debate.

Alice: Just to be on the safe side, why don’t we move the dining room table up in the girls’ room.

(Carol and Mike laugh. Jan comes home.)

Jan (happily): Alice! (She notices the parents on the couch) Oh, Mom and Dad, We won the debate. I really clobbered my opponent. (They cheer her on) First, I psyched myself up like Marcia said, and then your idea really worked, Dad. When I imagined the audience and all the teachers in their underwear, I could hardly keep from laughing. You should see my principal in boxer shorts.

(They all laugh.)

Mike: Well, I’m glad it helped.

Jan: How did Marcia’s driver’s test go?

Carol: I’m afraid it didn’t go as well as your debate, honey.

Jan: Darn.

(She goes upstairs to see Marcia, who is still sulking.)

Jan: Hi.

Marcia: (smiling) Hi.

Jan: I heard about what happened.

Marcia: I’d rather not talk about it. How did your debate go?

Jan: Fine, thanks to you.

Marcia: Yeah, boy I am really great.

Jan: Resolved. You can sit there full of self-pity or you can be mature and do something about it. Pick a side.

Marcia: Jan, I don’t want to pick a side and stop throwing my own words at me.

Jan: Well, they happened to be good words. You were just scared because it was your first try.

Marcia: Well, from now on I’m gonna be a devout pedestrian.

Jan: You can dish it out but you can’t take it.

Marcia: What’s that supposed to mean?

Jan: Well, at least I had the courage to try your advice and Dad’s too. About the audience and their underwear.

Marcia: Well, my situation’s different and maybe even worse.

Jan: Why?

Marcia: Because it happened to me.

(She realizes what she said and they laugh. We take you to the attic room, where Greg is studying. Marcia comes in to see him.)

Marcia: Greg.

Greg: Yeah, come in.

Marcia: About our bet.

Greg: Look, forget about that. It was just a fun bet, that’s all.

Marcia: No, I lost and I have to do your house chores for 6 months. How about a new bet. (He gives her a stern look) I’m gonna take my driver’s exam again.

Greg: Just pass the test, that’s enough. )He laughs) No bet, it’s too much pressure for a girl.

Marcia: Are you chicken, Gregory?

Greg: Me? Chicken?

Marcia: The loser does the winner’s chores for a whole year.

Greg: Marcia, sit down. I think you’re having a dizzy spell.

Marcia: Is it a bet or not? And this time, I’m gonna beat your exam score.

Greg: Okay, woman driver, it’s a bet.

(They shake on it and Marcia retakes the test.)

Mike: She’s all yours, honey. Just relax and try to remember all the things we talked about. Okay?

Marcia: I’ll be fine, Dad.

(The examiner comes.)

Examiner (to Mike): How are you today, sir?

Mike: Once we got out of the garage, it was all right.

Marcia: Dad.

Examiner (getting in the car): Well, I hope you’re better prepared this time, Ms. Brady.

Marcia: Yes, sir. I think I am.

Examiner: Well, let’s find out for sure. and my seatbelt is fastened so you can start the car now.

Marcia: Yes, sir.

(She goes to start the car but is still a bit nervous.)

Examiner: Start the car, please. (She imagines him in his underwear and starts to laugh) Is anything funny, Ms. Brady?

Marcia: If only you knew.

(She starts the car and drives. Next, we see her at home with her license.)

Greg: Congratulations. A temporary driver’s license. What kind of score did you get?

Marcia: 92.

Greg: 4 points less than I got.

Marcia: But I got a 98 on a written exam. That’s 4 points higher than you got.

Mike: So you both scored 190.

Greg: Well, I guess that sort of cancels our bet. Doesn’t it? You’re lucked out.

Mike: I don’t think it was luck. Marcia’s a good driver.

Marcia: I just wish we could settle this someway. I’d prove I’m as good a driver as you are.

Greg (laughing): That’ll be the day. You’ll fold under pressure like before.

Mike: Maybe there is a way we can settle this.

Greg: I’d love that.

Marcia: Me too. How?

Mike: Truck driver style. They have a big contest every year to find the best driver. Right?

Greg: I saw it on television.

Mike: So did I. They set up regular obstacle courses for the drivers. We can make up one of our own.

(Next, the Bradys go to a parking lot to settle the bet. Mike and the guys set up some cones.)

Mike: All right, everybody. Now, the parking lot is empty so there’s no problem with other cars. Now, the idea is, to drive through the obstacle course without hitting any of the pylons.

Greg: And whoever hits the least wins. Right?

Mike: Right.

Marcia: Suppose we end up in another tie.

Carol: Oh, your father already thought of that.

Mike: After you complete the course, keep on going until you get to that pylon. (He points to it and they all look) And if you’re tied, the one who stops closest to it without touching it, wins.

Marcia: We can still be tied.

Greg: Dreamer.

Peter: Hey, Dad, how if someone barely touches that pylon.

Carol: Oh, your father already thought of that, too.

Mike: Yeah, the truck drivers contest has an electronic beeper. We have something a little more primitive. Alice.

(She takes out an egg and make the sound of a chicken cackling. She hands it to Mike.)

Mike: Okay. Now. (He places it on the pylon) Anyone who knocks the egg off the pylon is a loser.

(Marcia gets in the car and drives around with the rest of the family cheering her on. She finally stops and parks in front of the pylon.)

Mike: All right, fantastic.

Greg: How close is she?

Alice (measuring): An inch and a half.

Marcia (surprised): An inch and a half?

Mike: Terrific.

Greg: Talk about lucky.

Bobby: Yeah.

Peter: Can you get any closer than that?

Greg: Oh yeah, sure.

Bobby: You’ll show ’em.

Peter: Yeah.

Carol: Your turn, Greg.

Greg: Right.

(He gets in the car and drives around, with everyone cheering for him as well.)

Greg (to himself): I got to get it closer than an inch and a half. I got to win, I got to beat Marcia. (He is getting closer) I got to do it, I got to do it.

(He knocks the egg and over and loses. Marcia starts to cheer that she won. She then goes to Greg to comfort him.)

Marcia: Greg, you can forget about the bet. You don’t have to do my chores.

Greg: I lost. I’ll pay.

Marcia: the important thing is, we’re both good, safe drivers. Not who knocked off the egg.

Greg: Yeah, sure. (Carol and Mike come over to him) You don’t have to say it. This time I folded under pressure.

Mike: Well, it can happen to anybody.

Carol: Excuse me, can I say a few words? Somebody around here owes me an egg.

(They laugh as the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Peter reading a magazine in the backyard. Bobby and Cindy come riding up to them on their bikes.)

Bobby: Peter, will you be our judge?

Peter: For what?

Cindy: Bobby and I made a bet on who’s the best bike rider.

Peter: What did you bet?

Bobby: The same thing as Greg and Marcia. Whoever comes closest to the stop line without going over, wins.

Cindy: And the loser does the winner’s chores for a whole year.

Peter: Well, first you better look at something, Bobby.

(They look inside and see Greg doing some ironing for Marcia.)

Bobby: Be too easy to beat a dumb old girl anyway.

(He rides off.)

Cindy: Chicken.


S5 E14 Kelly’s Kids

Kelly’s Kids

Written by Sherwood Schwartz

Mike and Carol’s friends, Kathy and Ken Kelly, adopt three young orphans of different backgrounds. I hope you enjoy the script. NOTE: Some people do not consider this a Brady episode. To me it serves as a pilot for a potential spinoff series that, unfortunately, didn’t sell.






MARCIA BRADY (non-speaking)

PETER BRADY (non-speaking)

JAN BRADY (non-speaking)

BOBBY BRADY (non-speaking)

CINDY BRADY (non-speaking)

MATT, child the Kellys adopted

DWAYNE, Matt’s friend and another adoptee

STEVE, Matt’s other friend and fellow adoptee

MISS PHILLIPS, director of adoption agency

MRS. PAYNE, the Kellys neighbor

(The episode begins with all the kids outside playing. Greg and Peter were playing basketball. Bobby and Cindy playing with a frisbee and Marcia and Jan playing ping-pong. Mike and Carol are inside talking to their guests, Ken and Kathy Kelly.)

Ken: You know something. Your kids were our inspiration.

Carol: Your inspiration?

Kathy: After those talks with you and Mike, well. (She takes out a picture to show them) Look.

Carol: Oh, Mike, look, isn’t he cute?

Kathy: That’s Matt.

Mike: Matt?

Kathy: He’s 8 years old and all ours.

Ken: After tomorrow, he’s our son.

Carol (pleased): Your son.

Mike: Congratulations. (Carol hugs Kathy and Mike gives Ken a handshake) That’s why you got the bigger house.

Ken: Yeah. We didn’t want to say anything until after all the adoption papers were final.

Carol; Oh, you’re gonna love being parents. It is so much fun watching them grow, seeing them learn, sharing their love. (Suddenly, they hear a ruckus outside. It is the boys teasing the girls by playing the basketball on the ping pong table) Like I said, they’ve given us nothing but love.

Mike: And a little bit of high blood pressure. (He goes to the window and opens it) Kids, hey. Hold it down to a dull roar, huh.

Carol: Oh, he is such a cute little boy.

Kathy: Oh, he’s sweet, he’s bright, he’s open, he’s adorable.

Ken: And he’s housebroken, which is more than you can say for your kids when you got them.

(They laugh and the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Matt moving in with them. First, he sees the house, then they show him his room.)

Matt: Wow. Wow, this is the best room in the whole world. (He looks through the toy chest they laid out for him) Wow.

Ken: Not just toys. We got a lot more than that, son.

Matt: Yeah. (He finds a car) Racing cars. Real racing cars.

Kathy: And a real father and a real mother.

Matt: Are those crayons in the desk? I love to draw. (He notices other things in the room to interest him) I’m gonna be an artist, and a baseball player, and a fireman, a cowboy, and an astronaut.

Ken (jokingly): What about a nuclear scientist?

Matt: Okay.

(Mr. and Mrs. Kelly laugh. We next see Ken and Matt playing checkers.)

Ken: You beat me again. You must be a terrific checker player.

Matt: The other kids beat me all the time. You must be rotten.

(Later on, Kathy is showing him the bathroom.)

Kathy: Here’s where we keep the toothpaste, and here’s a brand new toothbrush for you.

Matt: Thanks. (She goes to help him with the toothpaste) Mom, I can brush my own teeth.

Kathy: Oh, I’m sorry (He brushes as she watches) I can go to the bathroom by myself too.

Kathy: Oh right, of course.

(She leaves. We next see her and Ken getting the bed ready for Matt.)

Kathy: Uh, it’s been a long, hard day.

Ken: For him or for us?

Kathy: For all of us, I think. He should be asleep in no time at all.

(Matt comes in wearing his pajamas.)

Matt: Do I have to go to sleep?

Kathy: You guessed it. Okay, off to bed now, come on.

(He kneels down to pray.)

Matt: God bless Mr. and Mrs. Kelly. (He looks up at them) I mean, Mom and Dad. Mrs. Phillips (to them) that’s the lady at the home. Dwayne and Steve, they’re my two best pals. And Joe and Julie and Hope. Wendy and Paul and Margaret and Mandy and Barbara and Jeannie and Tommy.

Ken: Is that all the children?

Matt: No, I left out Karen Martin. She bit me once.

Ken: Oh, well, that explains that.

Kathy: Into bed.

Ken: Yeah. Come on, in you go.

(He gets under the covers. Mrs. Payne, Ken and Kathy’s neighbor, rings their bell.)

Mrs. Payne: Good evening, Mr. Kelly.

Ken: Oh, Mrs. Payne.

Mrs. Payne: Mr. Kelly, I’ll come right to the point. When you moved in next door, Mr. Payne and I didn’t realize that you had children.

Ken: As a matter of fact we didn’t. Matt just joined our family today.

Mrs. Payne: Oh, an adopted child.

Ken: Yes, an adopted child.

Mrs. Payne: Well, be that as it may, Mr. Payne and I don’t have children, and we like to keep our home neat. Boys trample flowers, break windows and write on walls. Sometimes dreadful things.

Ken: I don’t think you have anything to worry about, Mrs. Payne.

Mrs. Payne: Well, I hope not. Our houses are rather close together. (He turns to go inside and she goes to leave, then stops) By the way, Mr. Kelly, I understand that you’re in show business.

Ken: I do a nightclub act.

Mrs. Payne: Well, suppose someone must.

(Kathy and Ken check in on Matt and see him snuffling.)

Kathy: What’s the matter?

matt (crying): Nothing.

Ken: Did something hurt you?

Matt: I was just thinking about something?

Kathy: About what?

Matt: About Dwayne and Steve and all the other kids at the home.

Kathy: Well, there’s lots of children in our neighborhood.

Matt: Yeah, but we all used to go to sleep at the same time. Dwayne on that side (the right) and Steve on that side (the left).

Ken: You’ll have lots of new friends soon.

Matt: I don’t want new friends. Dwayne and Steve were the best friends I ever had, in my whole life.

Kathy: Well, we can visit them.

Matt (raising his head): Can we really?

Ken: That’s a promise.

Matt: Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.

(He hugs them.)

Ken: Go back to sleep now.

(Matt falls asleep as we bring you to the Kellys bedroom. Ken comes in and Kathy is on the phone.)

Ken: He finally fell asleep.

Kathy (on the phone): Right, I can hardly wait to tell Ken that. Good-bye.

(She hangs up.)

Ken: What? tell me what?

Kathy: That was Carol Brady on the phone and I was telling her about how lonesome Matt was and we came up with an absolutely terrific idea.

Ken: Well, what is it?

Kathy: It’s really great.

Ken: I know it’s great, I also know it’s terrific, there’s only one thing I don’t know. What is it?

Kathy: Oh, didn’t I tell you? Oh (she realizes) sorry. Carol said the reason the Brady kids are never lonesome because there’s always another kid around.

Ken: Oh, I think I know what is it. Adopt another kid?

Kathy: Right, right. It should be much easier this time, I mean, we’ve been through all that red tape with Matt. We filled out all those forms and everything.

Ken: Well, it’ll cost more to raise two kids than one, you know. (She gives him a pleading look) Of course, we can put another bed in Matt’s room. (She eagerly awaits his answer) Yeah, honey, we can manage.

Kathy (excited): Fantastic! Fantastic! (They hug) But I don’t think we should do it right away.

Ken: When?

Kathy: Not until tomorrow.

(Ken and Kathy are down at the Terrace Adoption Home, where they adopted Matt from. They go in to see Ms. Phillips, who is in charge. They knock on the door to the office and she lets them in.)

Ms. Phillips: Mr. and Mrs. Kelly.

Ken: Hi, Miss Phillips.

Kathy: Hi, Miss Phillips.

Ms. Phillips: How’s Matthew?

Ken: Oh, he’s just fine.

Kathy: We left him with the Bradys, some neighbors of ours, while we came down to see you.

Ms. Phillips: Sit down.

Kathy: Oh, thank you.

Ms. Philips: Say, did I ever show you this paper weight that Matt made for me? (She picks the heavy object up) I am ready for a hurricane. (she puts it down) He’s quite a boy, Matt.

Ken: Yeah, he sure is. Do you have another one like him?

Ms. Phillips: Another one like…

Kathy: We thought it’d be a good idea if Matthew had a brother.

Ms. Phillips: Well.

Ken: He keeps talking about two boys who seem to be special friends of his.

Kathy: Dwayne and Steve.

Ms. Phillips: Dwayne and Steve. Yes, they’re both great boys.

(We take you to outside in the backyard, where all the children are playing. Dwayne and Steve are painting a picture.)

Ms. Phillips: Dwayne and Steve, yoo hoo.

Steve (to Dwayne): Hey, they’re calling us. Come on.

Ms. Phillips: Dwayne, Steve, this is Mr. and Mrs. Kelly.

Boys: Hi.

(They shake hands with the Kellys)

Ken: Hello, Dwayne, hello Steve.

Kathy: Well, you’re both good friends with Matt, aren’t you.

Dwayne: Yeah, Matt’s a real nice guy.

Steve: He’s our best friend.

Dwayne: Miss Phillips used to cal us the 3 musketeers.

Steve: That’s because we always played together.

Ken: I see.

(Two girls are fighting over a rope in tug-of-war style.)

Ms. Phillips: Excuse me, a definite war is about to begin.

Kathy: Right.

Dwayne: Matt got adopted yesterday.

Steve: He was real lucky. Most people like to adopt little babies.

Dwayne: It’s harder for us big guys.

Steve: Yeah.

Kathy: Well, you’re both fine boys. I’m sure you’ll both be adopted very soon by some nice family.

Ken: That’s right. Well, we didn’t mean to interrupt your painting. We’ll be running along now.

Dwayne: Bye.

Steve: Bye.

Kathy: Good bye.

(They return to the painting as the Kellys watch. Cut to the Brady house, where they are discussing the matter with Mike and Carol.)

Ken: Then we came right over here to talk this over with you.

Kathy: We thought that you’d be able to give us advice better than anyone else.

Ken: Now, the fact that Dwayne is black and Steve is oriental surprised us a little bit at first. But, what difference does that really make?

Kathy: After all, a boy is a boy is a boy. Whether he’s white or black or yellow or blue.

Carol: Well, I…

Ken: Oh, I know it presents certain problems but everything in life presents certain problems. Right?

Mike: Oh, right. I think…

Kathy: The biggest problem is trying to decide between Dwayne and Steve. They’re both such fine boys.

Ken: That’s when we started to talk about adopting both of them. Instead of putting two beds in the room, we’ll just put three beds in the room, that’s all.

Kathy: Raising three boys can’t be much more difficult than raising two boys.

Ken: If anyone knows the answer to that, you do.

Mike: Well, yeah, I guess.

Ken: In a way, you adopted three boys and you adopted three girls.

Carol: Yes, we did…

Kathy: That’s why we know exactly what you would do if you were in our place.

Ken: You’d adopt both Dwayne and Steve, right?

Kathy: Right, so we decided to follow your advice.

Ken: Thanks so much for talking this over with us.

Carol: Aww, so glad to be of help.

Kathy: Oh, oh, may we leave Matt here while we go over and make the arrangements for the two boys.

Mike: Oh, sure.

Mike: Of course.

Ken: Thanks again.

(He kisses Carol on the cheek and she kisses Kathy’s cheek.)

Carol: Oh, good luck.

Kathy: Thank you.

Carol: Bye, bye.

Mike: Don’t mean nothing.

(The Kellys leave and Mike and Carol laugh to each other.)

Carol: Do you suppose we were like that?

Mike: I guess probably.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Matt setting the table while Kathy is cooking dinner.)

Kathy: Whoops. We have the fork on the left and the knives and spoons on the right.

Matt: I forgot.

Kathy: Oh, we can’t count on everything in a week.

Matt: Hey, why so many plates, Mom.

Kathy: Five.

Matt: There’s only three of us.

Kathy: Your Dad is bringing home a couple of old friends today.

(Ken comes home.)

Ken: Hello.

Kathy: Hi, honey. (to Matt) Wait till you see who we have with us.

(He turns around and sees Dwayne and Steve.)

Dwayne: Matt.

Matt: Dwayne, Steve. (They huddle) What are you guys doing here?

Dwayne: We’re going to live here.

Steve: Mr. Kelly is adopting us too.

Dwayne: We’re gonna be brothers!

Matt: Brothers!

Steve: Yeah!

(They cheer and huddle more.)

Ken: You’re back together again, the three musketeers.

(They huddle a little harder.)

Kathy: Hey, musketeers, is anybody hungry?

(They all sit down and have dinner. That evening, the boys get ready for bed. It’s not long before they argue over which bed to sleep in.)

Steve: Hey, how come you get that bed?

Matt: You guys take the bunks, this one’s mine.

Dwayne: How come this one is yours?

Matt: I’ve been sleeping in it all week.

Styeve: We ought to take turns.

Dwayne: Yeah.

Matt: This one’s mine.

Steve: Let’s get him.

Dwayne: Yeah.

(They pull the covers off him and grab pillows. Ken comes in.)

Ken: Hey, hey, what’s going on? Come on, somebody’s gonna get… (He gets accidentally hit with a pillow) So that’s the way you want it, huh.

(He joins in the fight and Kathy comes in.)

Kathy: I haven’t got three little boys, I got four little boys. (The phone rings) Oh, oh, I’ll get the phone. You put them to bed, okay.

(They all groan at the idea of going to bed.)

Ken: No, no, no, I’m sorry, guys. it’s time for bed. No, you’re going right to bed.

Kathy (on the phone with Carol): Everything’s fine, Carol. Mrs. Phillips waited the usual waiting period and the boys are with us now.

Carol (on the other end): Oh, Kathy, I’m so glad.

Kathy: Oh, they’ve been absolute angels. I can hardly wait for Monday when I take those three to school to register them. What an assortment.

Carol: Yeah, the Kelly rainbow.

(Meanwhile, Ken is in the room with the boys. She shows them his nightclub routine.)

Ken: Okay, troops, now I’m gonna show you one more time and then we’ll all go together. Okay.

Matt: Okay.

Ken: Okay, it starts with the soft shoe step. (He dances while carrying a cane and wearing a hat) Now we turn, and remember the cane trick I showed you? And a slide, and now the big finish (He dances more) And the hat. (He takes the hat off) Okay, wanna try it together? Ready? All right, here we go. And the soft shoe (He dances again and they copy him) Good, good, good, now the cane trick. And a slide, and now the big finish, and the hat. Good, good, hey, you’re doing great, doing great. Let me get back here where I can watch you. Let’s bat one more time. (Kathy comes to the room) And the soft shoe, and, and to the right, and then the paddle turn. (He sees Kathy) Hi, we were just getting ready for bed, right, guys?

(They all say good night and get in their beds.)

Kathy: Uh, big finish.

(Next, Mrs. Payne comes to the door again.)

Ken: Oh, hi.

Mrs. Payne: Mr. Kelly, I see you now have several children.

Ken: Of various colors, one might say.

Ken: You just did.

Mrs. Payne: Mind you, I’m not a bigot. I believe that blacks, yellows, every body has a place in our society. Mr. Payne and I even managed to be cordial to the Shapiros on the next block.

Ken (sarcastically): That’s very generous of you.

Mrs. Payne: We try. Nevertheless, three small boys are apt to be destructive, especially the minorities.

Ken (scornfully): Congratulations, Mrs. Payne, you have my vote for neighbor of the year.

Mrs. Payne: I consider that remark un-called for.

Ken: If nobody calls for it in 30 days, it’s all yours, baby.

(He shuts the door on her. Kathy comes back from trying to speak to her. She is in a foul mood.)

Kathy: Ken, you’re right. That woman is absolutely impossible.

Ken: Honey, you shouldn’t have gone over there to try to reason with her.

Kathy: She makes Archie Bunker sound like a liberal.

(Meanwhile, Dwayne wakes up in a thirsty mood.)

Dwayne: I’m thirsty, I’m gonna get some milk.

Steve: You better not. You’ll have an accident during the night.

Dwayne: What do you care if I have an accident?

Steve: You sleep right up there.

Dwayne: Come on, you get a drink too.

Steve: Okay.

(They go outside and hear Ken and Kathy talking in the kitchen.)

Ken: Just be happy she isn’t twins. She could be living on both sides of us.

Kathy: Ken, I just can’t forget those terrible things she said about Dwayne and Steve. Believe me, she’s gonna give us nothing but trouble because of those two little boys.

Ken: That’s for sure. If she could, she’d buy this house and kick us out of here.

Kathy: She already told me she was gonna try and kick me out of the P.T.A., and I know she’s gonna have Mr. Payne try and kick you out of the Optimist Club and every other organization.

(The boys go back to their room.)

Ken: Well, I hate to be rude to a lady, but on the other hand, she’s no lady.

(Kathy says she’s no lady with him.)

Kathy: Well, I already told her what I thought of her. Nobody is gonna interfere with Dwayne and Steve if I can help it.

Ken: At a girl.

Kathy: Right.

Ken: Mrs. Payne or no Mrs. Payne, we’re gonna make those boys happy.

Kathy: Right.

(They kiss. Meanwhile, Dwayne and Steve write a note stating they’re running away, thinking they’re causing all the trouble.)

Steve: Did you write how much we like it here?

Dwayne: I wrote it.

Steve: Did you write how much we hate to cause trouble?

Dwayne: I wrote it.

Steve: Did you write how much….

Dwayne: I wrote it. I wrote everything now. I’m just signing my name now.

Steve: Okay, then I’ll sign mine.

(Dwayne signs his name, then does Steve. They take their belongings and atart to sneak out. Matt wakes up.)

Matt: Hey, where you guys going?

Dwayne: Away.

(Steve shushes him.)

Matt: How come?

Steve: We’re too much trouble.

Dwayne: Mrs. Payne is gonna get Mr. Kelly kicked out of here.

Steve: And she’s gonna get Mrs. Kelly kicked out of the P.T.A.

Dwayne: And Mr. Payne won’t let Dad become an optometrist.

Matt: If you guys are going, I’m going with you.

Steve: You’re not causing any trouble. They said Dwayne and Steve.

Matt: We’re the three musketeers. One for all and all for one.

(They put their hands over each other’s. They show up at the Bradys’ house. They are sleeping outside and Greg is coming home. He notices them.)

Greg: Hey, hey, who are you guys?

Matt: I’m Matt.

Dwayne: I’m Dwayne.

Steve: I’m Steve.

Matt: We’re brothers.

Greg: Brothers?

Matt: Since 5 o’clock.

Greg: Oh, you must be the Kelly kids. What are you doing here?

Dwayne: We’re running away.

Steve: And we didn’t know where to go.

Matt: I stayed here before. You got so many kids I figured maybe nobody would notice us.

Greg: Well, don’t you like Mr. and Mrs. Kelly?

Dwayne: We like them a lot.

Steve: We love them. That’s why Dwayne and me are running away.

Matt: And I’m helping them.

Greg (confused): It’s getting kind of late. Why don’t you come in the house with me.

(Inside, the boys are sittng in the family room with Mike. Carol comes in.)

Carol: More hot chocolate?

Dwayne: Yeah, I’d like some more.

Steve: Boy, he drinks al the time.

Dwayne: So what? You got nothing to worry about now.

Mike: You guys don’t by any chance sleep in bunk beds, do you.

Steve: Yes.

(They all laugh.)

Carol: Where are you guys heading?

Steve: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe out west.

Dwayne: We are out west.

Matt: Maybe out east.

Mike: Wherever you go, you better send an address. I think Mr. and Mrs. Kelly would like to keep in touch.

Carol: I know they’re quite interested in knowing where you are.

(The Kellys come in an dfind them. Carol and Mike walk out.)

Ken: Thank you.

(Kathy kisses all of them.)

Ken: Do you know how worried we were about you guys.

Matt, Dwayne and Steve: No.

Ken: Well, plenty. That’s how much. We had no idea…

Matt: How did you find us?

Kathy: That’s not important.

Ken: What is important is for us to stick together.

Dwayne: But Mrs. Payne said…

Kathy: We don’t care what Mrs. Payne said. We care about you.

Ken: You’re our family. We want you boys to grow up with parents.

Kathy: And we want to grow up with children.

Dwayne: We’d love that. But we didn’t want to cause any more trouble.

Steve: That’s why Dwayne and me left.

Matt: And I went with them. Because we’re the three musketeers.

Ken: Well, you’re wrong about that. You’re not the three musketeers.

Dwayne: Huh?

Matt: We’re not?

Matt: No, you’re not. We are the five musketeers.

(Alice comes in.)

Alice: Excuse me, folks. I thought I heard a noise (Pause) Now, you two may be Mr. and Mrs. Brady, but you three definitely are not Greg, Peter and Bobby.

Matt: Hi, Alice.

Kathy: Matthew, Dwayne and Steve.

Steve: Hi, Alice.

Matt: Hi.

Dwayne: Hi.

Alice (waving): Hi, kids.

Kathy: We’re sorry we woke you.

Ken: Yeah, we were just passing through.

Alice: Passing through?

Kathy: Right, on our way home. Come on, boys.

Steve: Bye, Alice.

Matt: Bye, Alice.

Dwayne: We’re going home.

Ken: Get some sleep.

(The scene fades away.)

(The final scene has the boys outside playing in the yard with the Brady kids. Mike, Carol and the Kellys are looking out through the family room window.)

Kathy: The boys get such a big kick out of visiting here.

Carol: Well, that’s what neighbors are for.

Ken: Oh, by the way, we want to thank you for sending the kids this book.

Kathy: I guess you knew the three musketeers would make a very big hit.

Mike: Well, it wasn’t hard to figure out. How come you brought it back?

Kathy: We wanted to show you what they’ve done with it.

Carol: What do you mean?

Ken: They said they had to fix it.

(They show the Bradys a picture, which they colored with black and yellow faces.)

Carol (pleased): Oh, Mike.

Mike: Hey, that’s great.


S5 E13 Miss Popularity

Miss Popularity

Written by Martin Ragaway

Jan gets nominated for Most popular girl and school. She makes too many campaign promises to gain votes. Hope you enjoy the script.











HERMAN, Jan’s classmate

SHIRLEY, another classmate and friend

(The episode begins with Jan coming home from school. She is just bursting with good news, which she shares with Alice.)

Jan: Alice, Alice, the most wonderful thing in the whole entire world happened.

Alice: You were nominated for most popular girl in your class.

Jan: I was nominated for…, how did you know?

Alice: Peter beat you home by a glass of milk and a slice of baloney.

Jan: Well, isn’t it terrific?

Alice: Terrific. I think your classmates have got real class.

Jan: Thanks.

(She heads to the staircase where she sees Bobby.)

Jan: Hi, Bobby.

Bobby: Hi, Jan.

(He rides down the banister of the stairs.)

Jan: Bobby, you’ll never guess what happened in school today.

Bobby: I know. You got nominated for most popular girl. That’s great.

Jan (to herself): Well, at least Marcia will be surprised.

(Jan is upstairs in her bedroom sharing the news with her sisters.)

Marcia: I already heard.

Cindy: Me too.

Marcia: Congratulations.

(She kisses Jan on the cheek.)

Jan: Honestly, surprising people in this family is harder than smuggling sunrise past a rooster.

Cindy: We think it’s super.

Jan: Yeah, and I’ll have a hard time winning with a girl like Kathy Williams in the contest

Marcia: What’s so special about her?

Jan: She’s got the three B’s. She’s beautiful, brainy and built.

Marcia: Oh, Jan, that’s not everything.

Cindy: At my age it’s nothing.

Marcia (laughing): You’re just gonna have to get out there and campaign hard.

Jan: Yeah, well, I’m not worried.

Marcia: Good.

Jan: I passed worried an hour ago. Now I’m terrified.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Carol sitting at the desk in the bedroom, writing something. Mike comes in and kisses her on the head from behind.)

Carol: Sir, may I please remind you that I am a happily married woman and a mother?

Mike: Yeah, this is how you get that way. (She gets up and they kiss) Listen, I bring you some good news.

Carol: First, let me tell you my good news. Did you know Jan was nominated for most popular girl in the class.

(Mike says the last five words along with Carol.)

Mike: Yes, six kids and a housekeeper laid that on me before I had two feet in the door.

Carol: Well, what’s your good news?

Mike: You know that long weekend we’ve been planning for over a year?

Carol: Yeah.

Mike: We are going on the 8th. Everything’s arranged at the office.

Carol (hugging him): Oh, honey, that’s terrific. Oh, it will be like a second honeymoon. That’s one rerun I’m really gonna enjoy.

Mike: Yep.

(Meanwhile, the girls are downstairs in the family room.)

Cindy: We’ll need a lot of vote for Jan Brady posters.

Marcia: That’s right, and lots of handbills, too.

Jan: And I’m gonna need all the help I can get, because the election’s next week. And if there’s ever anything I can do for you, anything at all, just ask.

Cindy (half-jokingly): You can take my turn at the dentist.

Jan: I’d even promise that.

Marcia: Hey Jan, you know what you need is a good manager to co-ordinate all your activities at school.

Jan: Yeah, but who? It’s gotta be somebody who goes to my school. And someone who (she realizes) Hey, what’s the matter with me? Peter!

Cindy: If he’ll do it.

Jan: Of course he’ll do it, he’s my brother. And blood is thicker than water.

(Next, Jan is upstairs in the boys’ room.)

Peter (sternly): No way.

Jan: But Peter, you’re my brother. And blood is thicker than water.

Peter: So what? So is glue.

Jan: Why won’t you do it?

Peter: Personal reasons.

Bobby: Yeah, and her name is Kathy Williams.

Jan (upset): What about Kathy Williams?

Peter: Well, if you must know, she asked me to mange her campaign.

Jan: And you’d actually help her instead of me?

Peter: I didn’t say I would yet. But you’re only my sister, she’s a girl.

Jan: But Peter, I don’t have a chance without a good campaign manager. Please, I’ll promise anything in return for my help. Name your price.

Peter: I can’t be bought.

Jan; Oh, Peter, I…

Bobby: I can, and a lot cheaper, too.

Jan: Bobby, the person who’s gonna be my campaign manager has to go to my school, but I can still use your help. (She goes to Peter again) Peter.

Peter: On second thought, Jan, if you really mean to promise anything in return for my help.

Jan: Anything, Peter. Just name it.

Peter: Well, I could use a small loan just for…

Jan: You got it.

Peter: You don’t even know for what.

Jan: Who cares.

Peter: You don’t even know for how much.

Jan: Who cares?

Peter: When do i have to pay you back?

Jan: Who cares.

Peter: You got yourself a campaign manager. My heart belongs to Kathy, but my blood belongs to you.

Jan: Thanks, Peter. I really appreciate it.

Bobby: I can be his assistant for a smaller loan.

Jan: It’s a deal.

(She shakes his hand, then Peter’s hand, She leaves the room and Peter and Bobby shake hands.)

(Greg comes home through the kitchen.)

Greg: Alice, did I get a phone call from a guy named Richie. It’s kind of important.

Alice: No, but it might be quicker if he sent you a telegram.

Greg: What?

(She points to Jan, who is on the phone in the living room.)

Alice: And her three minutes were up about two hours ago.

(Greg goes over to Jan, who is making promises and discusses what to do on her campaign. She promises to be a friend for life and hangs up.)

Greg: And if you want another friend for life, let me make a call, huh.

Jan: Sure. (She looks at her phone book) Just as soon as I make one more call.

(She goes to make another call.)

Greg: Jan, you want votes, huh.

Jan: Do I ever.

Greg: Well, what would you say if I said I had friends in school who have brothers and sisters that go to your school who might be talked into voting for you.

Jan (hanging up): I’d say, make your call. (She gives him the phone) And if there’s anything else I can do for you, just name it.

Greg: I will.

(She leaves and he gets on the phone. Mike is in his den and Carol comes in with a box.)

Carol: Ah, you beat me home, huh.

Mike: Yes.

Carol: I was out shopping for our weekend at the beach.

Mike: Well.

(She shows him a part of a new bikini she bought.)

Carol: What do you think, honey? Does it do anything for me?

Mike: Not nearly as much as what it’s gonna do for me. Be a little chilly on the beach at night.

Carol: At night?

Mike: We don’t have a room.

Carol (disappointed): Oh, no, Mike. We couldn’t get a reservation.

Mike: Honey, everything’s booked solid for the weekend of the 8th. I even called a friend of a friend.

Carol: And.

Mike: They’re not friends anymore.

Carol: Well, there goes our weekend and our second honeymoon.

Mike: Wait, not necessarily. Listen, I was thinking, since everyone’s flocking to the beach, why don’t we flock to the mountains. They’re having good skiing.

Carol: Mike, we haven’t skiied in ages.

Mike: Well, who skis on honeymoons.

Carol: Hey, maybe you’re right. We can limp around, nobody will know the difference.

Mike: Right. I’ll make reservations first thing.

Carol: Okay. So long, bikini, I got to trade you in for some long underwear.

(Cut to the kitchen. Jan sees Alice in there.)

Jan: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi, honey.

(She goes inside the refrigerator for some milk.)

Jan: What you doing?

Alice: Helping you get elected. You can’t very well pass out cigars at school but, you could pass out these.

Jan: What’s that?

Alice: Homemade fortune cookies. There’s a little message inside each one.

(Jan takes one. She opens it up and reads the message.)

Jan: Be a smart cookie, vote for Jan Brady. Oh, that’s a super idea, Alice. Thank you.

(She hugs Alice. Upstairs, Marcia and Cindy are making posters and slogans.)

Marcia: Cindy, look.

(She shows her a poster she worked on. It says in big letters, Vote for Jan Brady.)

Cindy: Vote for Jan Brady.

Marcia: I’ve got an idea. I’ll put this poster on the back of the car and I’ll drive Jan around the neighborhood. And then she can pass out those cookies that Alice made.

Cindy: Yeah, and I got an idea, too. I’m making an ad for Jan to put in her school newspaper. (Marcia looks impressed) Hey, what’s that word that you write when you don’t want anybody to know your name?

Marcia: You mean anonymous?

Cindy: Yeah, that’s it. (She writes anonymous on her paper). There, how does this sound? Vote for Jan Brady, most popular girl. She’s pretty, smart, nice and kind. I ought to know, because I’m her sister. Signed, anonymous.

Marcia (laughing): Oh, Cindy.

(We take you to the garage. Peter and Cindy are using a machine to distribute more posters for Jan.)

Bobby: I wish we borrowed a better machine.

Peter: Stop complaining, keep cranking.

(Greg comes out to empty garbage.)

Greg: Hey, if that’s money you’re printing up, I’ll take a package of $100s.

Peter: These handbills are for Jan’s campaign.

Greg: Yeah, let me see. (He takes one and reads it) They’re great except for one thing.

Bobby: What’s that?

Greg: They’re so messy you can’t read them.

Peter: Oh, well these first ones are just samples. They’ll get better.

Greg: Well, if they don’t, you’ve got a good smear campaign going.

(He laughs but the guys look at him with an insulted look.)

(Next, Peter and Jan are at their school. Peter is passing out the handbills to students.)

Peter: Vote for Jan Brady. Be sure to vote for Jan Brady. Jan Brady is the most popular girl. Vote for Jan Brady. Be sure to vote for Jan Brady. Jan Brady is the most popular girl. Be sure to vote for Jan Brady. Don’t forget. Vote for Jan Brady. Be sure to vote for Jan Brady. Jan Brady is the most popular girl.

(Meanwhile, Jan is speaking to several other students. A student named Herman comes over to her.)

Jan: And if you vote for me, I will never, ever forget it. If any of you ever need a favor, all you have to do is ask.

Herman: You really mean that, Jan?

Jan: Of course I do, Herman.

Herman: Well, I got a favor to ask.

Jan: Your wish is my command.

Herman: I’m flunking algebra and I need help.

Jan: You got it. My brother Greg is a whiz at Algebra. He’ll give you all the help you need.

Herman: Gee, thanks. That be super.

Jan: No problem. Just remember, Jan Brady is the most popular girl.

Herman: You got my vote.

(At that time, Shirley, another friend of Jan’s comes to her.)

Shirley: Hey, Jan.

Jan: Oh, hi, Shirley.

Shirley: Do you remember what you said about babysitting for my brother?

Jan: Sure do. It’s the least I can do for a friend who’s voting for me.

Shirley: I’ll take you up on that. I’ll let you know when, okay.

Jan: Okay. Any time, Shirley.

Shirley: Okay, bye.

Jan: Bye.

Peter: Hey, Jan.

Jan: Yeah.

Peter: How goes the campaign?

Jan: Okay, I hope. Gee, it sure takes a lot of promises to get elected, doesn’t it.

Peter: Who have you got things promised to?

Jan: Everybody. Do you think I have a chance to win, Peter?

Peter: Well, I’ll tell you a good way to find out.

Jan: How?

Peter (jokingly): Count the votes after the election this afternoon. (He hands her a handbill) Here, vote for Jan Brady.

(She playfully hits him with her bag as he walks away. Back at home, Carol and Alice are in the kitchen making a salad.)

Alice: Oh, your weekend in the mountains sounds heavenly. It would do you and Mr. Brady a world of good to get away on your own for a little while.

Carol: Oh yeah, but it sure will seem strange without the kids, Alice. You know, raising a family gets to be a habit.

Alice: Yeah, it’s a habit I’d like to talk Sam into.

(Carol laughs and Peter comes home.)

Peter: Da-da-da–da-da-da, presenting her royal majesty, the most popular girl in her class, Jan Brady!

(Jan runs in.)

Jan: Mother, I won, I actually won!

Carol: Oh, Jan, that’s great!

(She hugs her.)

Jan: Oh, my hard work finally paid off.

Peter: And everyone else who helped.

Jan: Oh, yeah. Oh, isn’t it fantastic.

Alice: This calls for a celebration. I’m going to prepare a special dish tonight. Something different, something really far out.

Carol: What’s that, Alice?

Alice: A recipe with meat in it.

Jan: I’ll go tell the others what happened. (She sees Greg on the phone in the living room. He finishes his call) Greg, Greg, I won. I was voted most popular girl.

Greg: I know.

Jan: How did you know?

Greg: That call was from a kid in your class named Herman.

Jan: Herman, what did he want?

Greg: He’s got this stupid idea that I’m gonna help him with his algebra.

Jan: Oh, that. Well, I did sort of promise him that you would.

Greg (angry): Well, you had no right to promise him I’d do anything.

Jan: Well, I needed his vote.

Greg: I don’t happen to have time to help Herman. I have my own studies to worry about.

Jan: Don’t worry. He’ll find someone else to help him.

Greg: But you made him a promise.

Jan: Only a campaign promise. The election is over and I won. That’s the important thing.

(She goes upstairs leaving Greg to fume. The scene fades away.)

(The next day, Jan is at school and her friend Shirley approaches her.)

Shirley: Jan.

Jan: Oh, hi, Shirley.

Shirley: I’m glad I found you. I really need that favor.

Jan: What favor?

Shirley: You said you’d babysit for my little brother. What about tonight?

Jan: Not tonight. I’ll do it some other time.

Shirley: But you promised, and this is really important to me.

Jan: I’m sorry. I’m busy tonight.

(She walks away and leaves Shirley unhappy. Herman comes and stops her.)

Herman (upset): Just a minute. Thanks a lot, Miss Popularity.

Jan: What for?

Herman: For nothing, that’s what.

Jan: What’s wrong with you?

Herman: You said your brother Greg was gonna help me with algebra, didn’t you.

Jan: Oh, well don’t blame me, blame Greg.

Herman: But you’re the one who promised.

Jan: Well, it wasn’t my fault. I was sure he’d help.

Herman: I wish I could buy my vote back, and so do a lot of the kids.

Jan: They’re just jealous. (She sees Peter) Going home, Pete.

Peter: In a couple of minutes. Boy, the kids sure don’t like the way you’re acting.

Jan: I simply don’t have time to do everything for everybody.

Peter: Well, they’re all pretty down on you.

Jan: Are you kidding? Jan Brady is the most popular girl in her class.

(She leaves and we take you back to the house. Peter and Bobby are in their room. They are upset because Jan broke her promise to let them borrow money.)

Peter: No way, we don’t have enough money.

Bobby (bitterly): With a sister like Jan, you don’t need enemies.

(Mike passes by.)

Mike: Hi, men.

(Peter gets up and runs to him.)

Peter: Hey, Dad, Dad, Dad, can we see you for a second?

Mike: What’s up?

Peter: Any chance of getting an advance on our future allowances?

Mike: How far in the future is that future?

Bobby: Not too far. We’ll live long enough to repay it.

Peter: You see I put down an $8 dollar deposit on a radio, and Bobby put down a $3 deposit on a skateboard. And now we got a problem.

Mike: What’s the problem?

Peter: I haven’t got the $8 and Bobby hasn’t got the $3.

Mike: How could you put down money that you didn’t have?

Bobby: We thought we had it.

Peter: But Jan welched out on her promise to loan it to us.

Mike: Well, I’m sure Jan has a reason for breaking her promise.

Bobby: She sure does. She’s a phony. She just used us to get elected.

Peter: We got 5 other kids, could we put her up for adoption?

Mike (laughing): I don’t think so. Look, don’t be too hard on her. I’ll see what I can do about the advance.

(He leaves.)

Peter: Thanks, Dad.

(He goes into his bedroom.)

Mike: Hi, honey. I’m home.

Carol (calling from the bathroom): Be right there, sweetheart. Did you get the ski lodge reservation?

Mike: Yeah, no problem. They’re gonna call right back and confirm it.

(She comes out wearing a ski outfit.)

Carol: I was able to exchange the beach things. It came out even. (She shows him) You like?

Mike: Hey, yeah, I do like. Of course, it leaves a little more to the imagination than the bikini. But, with an imagination like mine, I come out ahead.

(He kisses her.)

Carol: Your imagination may be good, but your aim leaves a lot to be desired.

Mike: Oh, yeah. Prepare for a direct hit.

(He goes to kiss her again but the phone rings.)

Carol: Oh, your target will be back in just a minute. (She answers the phone) Hello. Oh, yes he is. Hold on a minute, please. (to Mike) It’s the ski lodge.

Mike: Hey, good. (He gets on the phone) Hello. Yes it is.

Carol: Ask them for an outside room.

Mike: Yes, I see. Oh, are you sure? I see. No, thank you very much.

(He hangs up.)

Carol (abruptly): You didn’t ask for an outside room.

Mike: I didn’t have to. We got one. Way outside, outside the lodge.

Carol: What happened?

Mike: They’re overbooked for the weekend of the 8th. He called to apologize for the mistake.

Carol (upset): Oh, no! There goes our first long weekend.

Mike: Well, now, honey. There’s gotta be a way to get in. Don’t give up the ship.

Carol: Okay, John Paul. Where are we going?

(Mike ponders for a second.)

Mike: Got an idea. We didn’t go to the beach, we didn’t go to the mountains. Let’s go somewhere in between.

(Next, Jan is downstairs typing and Marcia comes in.)

Marcia: Jan.

Jan: Oh, not now. I got to finish my most popular girl acceptance speech. I give it on senior night.

Marcia: All I want to know is, who is your date for the dance afterwards?

Jan: Well, the most popular boy naturally, Billy Garst.

Marcia: You didn’t say he asked you.

Jan: Oh, he hasn’t yet, but he will. Who else would he take but the most popular girl.

Marcia: I guess. Listen, after you’re through, you said you’d finish up my washing and ironing tonight. I need it for school tomorrow.

Jan: Oh, Marcia, I got a million things to do tonight.

Marcia: But Jan, you promised.

Jan: I’m really busy. I made all sorts of plans.

Marcia: I made plans too because you made that promise.

Jan: Not tonight. Some other time.

(Marcia angrily leaves and Bobby and Cindy comes in.)

Bobby: What’s the matter with her?

Jan: Oh, she’s just upset because I won’t let her use me.

(Bobby and Cindy pull up a couple of chairs and turn on the television. Jan gets distracted and gets up to turn it off.)

Jan: Do you mind?

Bobby: Are you looking for a broken arm? We want to watch TV.

Jan: Not now. I have a very important speech to write.

Cindy: Yeah, not to mention the book report you were supposed to help me write.

Jan: Cindy, I already told you, there’s just not enough time for everything.

Bobby (to Cindy): Instead of voting her the most popular, they should’ve voted her the most obnoxious.

Jan: I’m never gonna get any work done in here.

(She gets up, takes her books and typewriter, and leaves. Cindy waves good-bye to her.)

(Carol comes into Mike’s den wearing a ranch outfit when he’s not looking.)

Carol: Turn around real slow, partner, and don’t make a move for your gun.

(Mike turns around.)

Mike: Oh, ho, ho. Wow, you can ride my range anytime. Be the dude of the dude ranch.

Carol: What are you going to wear?

Mike: Well, my old cowboy boots.

Carol: Well, you better wear something else or you’re gonna get arrested.

Mike: Not to mention sunburn.

Carol: Oh, I hope nothing happens to our reservations.

Mike: No way, we are confirmed for the 8th.

Carol: You’re a genuis.

(They kiss. Jan comes in.)

Jan: Mom, Dad, do you have a minute.

Carol: Sure, honey.

Jan: I’m just about finished my acceptance speech. Do you want to hear it?

Carol: Yeah.

Mike: Mmm hmm, okay. Fire away.

Jan: Faculty, parents, honored guests, fellow students, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls…

Carol: Jan, I think that covers just about everybody.

Jan: I’m very honored to have been elected most popular girl. It’s really a great honor because that other students believe I have more charm and personality than any other girl in the class.

Mike (sarcastically): You’re sure you want to be so humble?

Jan: Why do I have to be so humble? I won, didn’t I? So I must have deserved to.

Carol: You deserve to be grateful. Jan. That speech sounds like nothing more than an ego trip.

Jan: Well, I’m proud of myself. There’s nothing wrong with that, is there?

Mike: Jan, I’m afraid you missed the point. I’ll tell you, I wouldn’t want to get up in front of my classmates and deliver a speech like that. But you are big enough to make up your own mind.

Carol: Jan.

Jan: I guess there’s no point in reading you the rest of it. You will be there at the reward presentation, won’t you.

Carol: Yes, Jan, we’ll be there. But we’re not crazy about that speech. I sure wish you’d think about it a little more.

(She starts to leave.)

Jan; Oh, by the way, they changed it to Friday.

Mike: The 8th?

Jan: Yes.

Carol: Tell me she didn’t say Friday the 8th.

Mike: She didn’t say Friday the 8th.

Carol: Thank you.

Mike: But she did. (Carol hands him the phone) Hello, dude ranch.

(Jan is upstairs going to try on some clothes to wear for her presentation.)

Jan: Marcia.

Marcia (bitterly); What?

Jan: Do you think this dress is okay for my senior night?

(Peter comes in the room.)

Marcia: Well, it all depends on what creeps are wearing this season.

Jan (defensive): I’m not a creep!

Peter: I agree with Jan, she’s not a creep.

Jan: Thank you.

Peter (angry); You’re a super creep.

Jan: What’s bugging you?

Peter: Do you know who Kathy Williams was going to the senior night dance with?

Jan: I thought you said with you.

Peter: Well, that’s what I thought, too. But she just called and said she wasn’t gonna be seen with the brother of a jerky sister, who’s the most unpopular girl in school.

Jan: Well, if she said that, she doesn’t deserve to have a date.

Peter: Oh, she does have a date, she’s going with Billy Garst, the most popular boy in school.

Jan (shocked): Billy Garst?

Peter: Yeah, who alos wouldn’t want to be seen with you?

(He leaves.)

Marcia: I thought you were going with Billy Garst.

Jan: So did I. The most popular guy always takes the most popular girl. It’s a tradition.

Marcia: Congratulations, Jan. You’ve just given the word popular a new meaning.

(Jan is talking to her parents.)

Jan: I thought winning would be the greatest, but everyone seems to have changed.

Mike: Maybe it’s you who changed.

Jan: I’m still the same.

Carol: Are you sure, Jan? Your brothers and sisters seem to think you let your success go to your head.

Mike: They also think they’ve been had. You promised them everything in the world for getting elected, and you gave nothing in return.

Jan: My intentions are good.

Mike: Intentions are not good enough.

Jan: Suddenly I feel as popular as the measles.

Carol: Well, the question is, Jan, what are you gonna do about it?

Jan: Well, I know what I’m not gonna do. I’m not gonna go to senior night and face all that hostility.

(She gets up and leaves.)

Carol (shocked): I don’t believe this.

Mike: Now let me get this straight. We’re not going to the beach, we’re not going to the mountains, we’re not going to the dude ranch, because we cancelled the reservations. We are going to Jan’s senior night, where Jan won’t be?

Carol: Yep, that just about covers everything.

(The next scene has the family eating dinner in cold silence. Alice comes out.)

Alice: Well, how about dessert? I got high cal, low cal or no cal. Anybody for any cal?

(The kids all turn it down. Some of them start to leave the table.)

Jan: Would you all wait a minute? I’ve got something I’d like to say, please? It’s important. (They all sit back down) Mom, Dad, I’ve decided to go to senior night and give my speech after all.

Carol: Oh, Jan, honey, you know how we all feel about that speech.

Jan: Oh, well, it’s not that speech. It’s a different one that I just wrote, and I’d like you all to hear it because it concerns you. (She gets up to read it) Dear friends, thank you for giving me this honor. But even more important than winning was a lesson I learned. It has to do with being grateful and giving, and receiving. I am very grateful I received, and now I’m going to start giving. In the campaign, making promises just to get elected is wrong. And if it takes me the rest of my life, I’m gonna keep very promise I made to everybody. Well, there’s more, but that’s the general idea.

(The rest of the family applauds and Jan leaves the table. Peter comes up to her.)

Peter: Jan, can you do me a favor?

Peter: Yes, I’ll loan you the money.

Peter: No, not that. After you make that speech, how about being my date at the dance. That is, if you don’t mind showing up with your own dumb brother.

Jan: Oh, Peter, I’d be honored.

(They hug and then Mike clinks his glass to make a speech.)

Mike: Now hear this. I have a speech of my own to give. (He motions and whistle for Jan and Peter to return to the table) First of all, (to Jan) I am very proud of you. (He kisses Jan) Second of all, in spite of all the delays, your mother and I are going on a weekend vacation no matter what. (she questions where) Well, I don’t know where, but I promise you it’ll be someplace. And a Brady never goes back on his promise. Right, Jan.

Jan: Right, Dad.

(He and Carol kiss.)

Mike: Now, where’s the dessert?

Alice: Yes, would you like high cal, low cal or no cal?

All: Any cal.

Alice: All cal, all right.

(The scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Mike and Carol in their bedroom. Alice knocks.)

Alice: Mr. and Mrs. Brady, are you awake?

Mike: Barely, Alice. Come in.

(She brings in a tray with breakfast and coffee.)

Alice: Good morning.

Carol: Alice, what in the world is that?

Alice: Breakfast in bed is what that is.

Mike: What’s the occasion?

Alice: Well, because you had to stay in town last night to hear Jan’s speech and because you didn’t get to go on your long weekend and take your second honeymoon.

Carol: Alice, this is very sweet of you.

Mike: That’s very thoughtful.

Alice: Of course it won’t be quite the same as going away for your second honeymoon but, maybe this will help. (She shows them a do not disturb sign) I’ll hang it on the door.

Carol; Alice, what will the children think?

Alice: Who do you think made up the sign?

(She hangs it on the inside door and leaves. Then comes back in.)

Alice: Sorry about that.

(She takes it and puts it on the outside door.)