S2 E17 Coming Out Party

untitled tonsils

Coming Out Party

Written by Alfred Lewis Levitt and Helen Levitt

Mike’s boss, Mr. Phillips, invites the family on a boat trip. The only thing to stand in its way is Cindy, then Carol, need to go to the hospital for a tonsillectomy. Hope you enjoy the script.












(The episode begins at Mike’s office, where he is working on a design. Mr. Phillips, Mike’s boss, comes in.)

Phillips: How’s it going Mike?

Mike: Fine, Mr. Phillips.

Phillips (checking Mike’s design): Very good! That window detail in native stone helped a lot.

Mike: Yeah, I thought they added something.

Phillips: How about adding something else, the Brady family to my boat Saturday. That is, if they’d like a fishing expedition.

Mike: Oh, I’m sure they would. There’s a lot of people, eight.

Phillips: Why not make it nine. Bring your housekeeper. My wife and I really enjoyed that dinner at your home.

Mike: That’s a pretty big invitation.

Phillips: Well, it’s a pretty big boat, and a pretty big ocean. Talk to you about it later.

(He turns and leaves the office.)

Mike: Thanks, Mr. Phillips.

(He gets on the phone to call home, but Carol is on the phone with her chatterbox friend, Ellie. Later on, she is still on the phone.)

Carol: Well, Carter’s has nice towels, Ellie. On sale? Yeah, it would be worth taking a look. How about next Thursday. (Mike comes in the door) Oh, well look, Ellie, I got to go, Mike’s home. No, look. why don’t you call me later. No, I have to go now, Ellie, good-bye. (She hangs up and to Mike) It’s almost impossible to get her off the phone.

(Mike kisses her.)

Carol; Where is everybody?

Carol: Scattered.

Mike (calling): Hey kids, kids!

Carol: Is something wrong, Mike?

Mike: No. On the contrary, everything is dandy. (He calls again) come on, gang, on the double!

(Jan, Cindy, Peter and Greg come.)

Jan; We’re here, Dad.

Cindy: On the double.

Mike: Where are, uh, Bobby and Marcia?

Greg: Bobby’s over at Chuck’s.

Jan: Marcia’s at Sue’s.

Mike: We’ll pass the good news on to them later.

Peter: What good news?

Mike: Mr. Philips has invited all of us, including Alice, out on his boat next Saturday for a day of deep-sea fishing.

(The kids all get excited and cheer.)

Carol: Well, Mike, I think the kids have other plans on Saturday.

Jan: We’ll change them.

Peter: Sure.

Cindy: I’ve never been on a boat before.

Greg: I think I’d rather go fishing.

Mike: Then there’s no reason we can’t go. Now, everybody stay healthy and let’s not spoil this trip.

Greg: Hey, Pete, let’s check our fishing gear.

Mike (to Carol);: We better go tell Alice about this.

(Just as everybody leaves in excitement, Cindy lets out a sneeze. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Alice and the boys outside in the yard, they are trying to convince her to go.)

Alice: Sorry fellas, I’m not going.

Greg: You gotta Alice, Dad’s boss invited you.

Peter: Especially.

Alice: When it comes to boats, just forget about good old Alice. I get seasick when I stir my coffee.

Greg: It’s all in your head, Alice.

Peter: They have pills you can when you go on boats.

Alice: Yeah, I know, I take those when I start up the washing machine.

(They put up a board on some chairs.)

Greg: But we rigged this up just to help you.

Peter: It’ll keep you from getting seasick.

Alice: No, no thanks, no.

Greg (rocking a chair): All you have to do is get used to the motion. At least try it, Alice.

Peter: Yeah, the trip don’t be the same without you.

Alice: Okay.

Greg: We’ll help you up.

(They help her get up on the board.)

Alice (afraid): Oh, oh, what, what, what do I do?

Greg: Pretend you’re out at sea.

Peter: Isn’t it easy?

Alice: Well, we’re not very far out yet.

Greg: Keep your eye on the horizon. Your knees act like springs. You go against the roll of the boat.

Alice: Hey, this isn’t too bad.

Peter: That’s what we told you.

Greg: Now try it the other way.

Alice: What other way?

Greg: Turn sideways, like you’re going into swells.

Alice (turning around): Like this?

Peter: Yeah. You’ll be the best sailor in the family.

Alice: Yeah, I might at that. Then again I might not.

(The next scene has Mike, Alice and the girls outside with him teaching them some fishing procedures.)

Mike: On Mr. Philips’ boat, we’ll be using live bait. Right now, we’ll use this sinker for weight. Okay?

Marcia (holding the rod): Just swing it back and forth?

Mike: Yeah, give it a lot of arm action, though. And aim for the bucket.

(Marcia tries but misses.)

Mike: That’s good Marcia.

Alice: That was marvelous.

Jan: What kind of fish will we catch, Dad?

Mike: Oh, I don’t know. Uh, bass, barracuda, halibut maybe.

Cindy: I want to catch something big, like a whale.

Carol (coming out) Hello, everybody.

Mike: Let’s see how your Mom can do.

Carol: What, are you kidding? I used to go fishing with my father all the time.

Mike: You did, huh.

Carol: Oh, sure. It’s all in the wrist. You just gotta know how to flip the old wrist.

Mike: Okay, be my guest. Just flip away here.

Carol: Okay, watch this, the old sidearmer. Ready?

(She whistles and aims for the bucket. However, the rod winds up in the yard of their next door neighbors, the Dittmeyers.)

Girls: Wow!

Marcia: All the way into the Dittmeyers yard.

Carol: Here we go.

Mike: Uh-oh, I think you’re hung up there.

Carol: Yeah.

Alice: I’ll get it.

Carol: Thanks, Alice.

(Alice follows the rod to the fence. She steps on a box to look over the neighbors’ yard.)

Alice: Reel it in, Mrs. brady.

Carol: Yeah.

(Alice sees what it is and goes to tell Carol.)

Alice: Congratulations, Mrs. Brady, you just caught a five pound bag of charcoal.

(The girls laugh.)

Carol: Oh, no.

(Cindy sneezes again. the Bradys’ doctor, Dr. Howard, arrives and examines her.)

Dr. Howard: Well, she’s running a low fever and her tonsils are quite inflamed. We’ve been through this before, Mr. Brady (Mike sighs) They really should come out.

Mike: You mean right away, Doc?

Dr. Howard: I’ll check her again Thursday. But, just in case, I’ll reserve a hospital room for Saturday.Meanwhile, uh, keep her in bed and lots of liquids. (He gets up to leave) I’ll send over a prescription.

Carol: Thank you, Dr. Howard.

Dr. Howard (getting up): I’ll find my own way out. (He turns to Cindy) Good-bye, young lady.

Cindy (weakly): Bye.

Mike: Good-bye, Doc.

Carol: Thanks so much for coming.

Dr. Howard: Not at all.

(Carol shuts the door behind him and then goes over to Cindy.)

Cindy: I want to go on the boat on Saturday.

Mike: Well, we can go some other time. I think your tonsils are more important.

Carol: Almost everyone has to have them out sometime, sweetheart. It’s not so bad.

Mike: Nah, sleep through the whole thing.

Carol: And when you wake up you can have all the ice cream you want. And you won’t be catching colds or getting sore throats anymore.

Cindy: But what if my tonsils get better? Then can I go n Mr. Philips’ boat Saturday?

Mike: Well, if you’re better, and you don’t need them out, yes.

Carol: And if you stay in bed like the doctor said, and lots of liquids.

Mike: You know what liquids are?

Cindy: Sure, water and milk, and even ice cream if you melt it.

(The next scene has Marcia and Jan taking Cindy’s temperature.)

Marcia (to Jan): She still has a slight fever.

Jan: I guess there goes the boat trip.

Cindy: It isn’t my fault. It’s my tonsils fault.

Carol (coming in): Isn’t it a little warm and stuffy in here?

Marcia: Patient’s rooms are supposed to be warm.

Carol: Not stuffy, now let’s leave that door open. You girls are a real big help.

Jan: I’m going to get her some more soup.

Cindy: Oh please, honey, give Alice a fighting chance, you’re using it up faster than she can make it.

Marcia (checking Cindy’s temperature): 101.5

Cindy: When did you take it?

Marcia: Just now.

Jan: And five minutes ago.

Marcia: We take it every five minutes.

Carol: Why don’t you just leave it in her mouth.

Jan: Then she couldn’t eat her soup.

Marcia: You know what the doctor said about liquids, Mom.

Cindy: Soup’s a liquid, even if it has junk in it.

Jan: We want her to get well so we can go on that boat trip.

Marcia: We gave up our ballet for Saturday afternoon.

Carol: Yes, I know all about it. Now why don’t you two Florence Nightingales go get ready for dinner, the relief nurse will take over. (Marcia hands her the thermometer) Thank you.

(Next, Peter and Greg are in their room, sulking about missing the boat trip. Mike comes in.)

Mike: Chow time, men. (They stay and continue brooding.) Oh, why the dragging chins?

Greg: Well, with Cindy sick, the boat trip will probably be off.

Mike: Oh yeah. Well, it’s not exactly the end of the world.

Greg: Well, look what we gave up for it.

Peter: Yeah, the Hansons invited Bobby and me to the circus Saturday afternoon, and we turned it down.

Greg: And I gave up a basketball game, they got some guy to replace me.

Peter: Now we don’t even have the boat trip.

Mike: Well, maybe we do.

(Mike is on the phone with Mr. Phillips. Greg and Peter are standing there with him.)

Mike: Two weeks from Saturday would be better for us, Mr. Phillips, if it’s okay with you, of course. Oh yeah, that’d be fine. Thanks very much. I’ll see you in the morning. (He hangs up) All set, men.

Greg: Thanks, dad.

Peter: Let’s tell the girls.

Alice: So it’s down to the sea again in ships?

Mike: Yeah, you don’t sound too thrilled.

Alice: Well, let’s just say I’m none the mal de merrier.

Mike: Oh, Alice, seasickness is just a state of mind.

Alice: Well, I’m a native of that state. (He picks up a tray) I’d better get this soup up to Cindy, she hasn’t had any in 15 minutes.

Carol (coming in the kitchen): Hmm, looks good. (to Mike) Well, the boys broke the good news.

Mike: Yeah, in two weeks, Cindy ought to be fine.

(The phone rings. Carol answers.)

Carol: Hello. Oh, it’s you, Ellie. Well, I’m just a little busy at the moment, Ellie.

Mike: Be firm, hang up.

Carol (shushing him): Mike, I can’t insult her. (back on the phone) of course, I’m listening, Ellie. (Mike grabs the phone cord and causes the phone to drop. Carol picks it up and puts it back in place) Yes Ellie, yes, sure. Yeah, everything’s just fine. Yeah.

(The next scene has Dr. Howard back at the house to check on Cindy. He is trying to get her to open her mouth so he can check her tonsils.)

Dr. Howard: I just want one look, Cindy.

Cindy: I’m all better.

Mike: Honey, Dr. Howard’s not going to hurt you.

Carol: He just wants to check your tonsils.

Cindy: My tonsils went away.

Dr. Howard: Now please honey, just one little peek.

(Cindy opens her mouth for just half a second.)

Carol: Oh honey, watch Mommy. It’s very simple, just open your mouth wide and the doctor puts the little stick in. (The doctor puts it in Carol’s mouth and she says ah) There, you see, honey.

Dr. Howard: Mrs. Brady, would you mind if I take another peek?

Carol: Oh no, not at all. Now watch, honey. (The doctor puts the stick in again) See honey, there’s nothing to it.

Mike: Now you do what Mommy did.

Carol: Right, it’s your turn now Cindy, come on.

Cindy: Okay, but only one peek.

Dr. Howard: Open wide. (Cindy opens up and says ah) Uh-huh, well, there’s no doubt about it.

Carol: They have to come out?

Dr. Howard: Oh, for sure. (He turns to Mike) Check them into the hospital before 6:00 Friday afternoon.

Mike (astonished): Them?

Carol: Us?

Dr. Howard: Mrs. Brady, your tonsils are almost as bad as Cindy’s.

Carol: But that’s impossible, Dr. Howard. I mean, I had sore throats every now and then but, well, it feels just fine now.

Cindy: Mine too.

Dr. Howard: Mrs. Brady, there are other symptoms of tonsillitis, and, in adults, it can be more serious if you let them go.

Carol: But…

Dr. Howard: Mrs. Brady, if you feel that I’m qualified to judge your daughter’s condition, then you must feel I’m qualified to judge yours.

Carol: Oh, I do.

Dr. Howard (to Mike): Check them both into the hospital before 6:00 Friday afternoon. )He turns to leave) Good-bye all, good-bye.

(Mike starts laughing.)

Carol: Well, you might have said something, Mike.

Mike: Honey, I was afraid to open my mouth or he’d take mine out too.

(The scene fades out.)

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(The next scene has Carol packing for the hospital, with help from Marcia and Jan.)

Carol: I hope you kids are going to be all right while I’m gone.

Marcia: We’ll be fine, Mom.

Jan: We’ll have Dad and Alice.

Carol: Oh, that’s right.

Marcia: And you’ll have Cindy.

Peter (coming by): Have a good time, Mom.

Carol: Oh, thanks, Peter. (to herself) That’s funny, that’s the same advice I got some Bobby. (to Peter) Don’t forget, you have a dental appointment in the morning.

Peter: How could I forget? You told me three times in the last half hour.

(Peter leaves.)

Carol: Marcia, you better go help Cindy pack, okay?

Marcia: She’s all packed. Jan helped her.

Carol: Well then, what are we waiting for?

Maria: You.

(Greg comes by.)

Greg: Anything I can do, Mom?

Carol: Yes Greg, would you tell your father that we’re just about ready?

Greg: Right. (Mike and Cindy appear) Here he is.

Carol (noticing Cindy holding her doll): Cindy honey, I don’t think you’ll need your doll in the hospital.

Cindy: If I have to have my tonsils out, so does she.

(Mike picks up Cindy’s suitcase.)

Mike: Cindy, what in the world have you got in here?

Cindy: Oh, just a few things I need.

Carol: Like what?

Cindy: Like my stuffed elephant, my teddy bear, my piggy bank and a bag of rocks.

Alice (coming in the room): I’ve got a few non-essentials here for Cindy. Pajamas, slippers, toothbrush.

Carol: Oh, thanks, Alice. (They put them in her suitcase) Well, I guess that’ll just about do it. (The phone rings) That’s got to be Ellie.

Mike (answering the phone): Hello. Oh, hi Ellie. Oh, I’m sorry, you just missed her. She’s on her way to the hospital. Yeah, I sure will, bye Ellie.

(He hangs up.)

Carol: Mike, I am not on my way to the hospital.

Mike: Oh, yes you are, come on, right now.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, when you get back, the ice cream will be ready and waiting.

Carol: Thanks Alice, that’s a very comforting thought.

(They all leave the room. Next, we see a shot of the hospital, then the family coming back from the hospital. Alice gets some ice cream for Cindy and Carol, who are upstairs in the parents’ bed and Dr. Howard checking up on them.)

Dr. Howard: Well, you’re both doing fine. Now, I want you to follow two strict orders. First, stay in bed.

Carol (muttering): Doctor.

Dr. Howard: And second, not a peep out of either of you. (Carol makes a waving gesture) Now, what’s that supposed to mean?

Mike: The family’s due to go on a boating trip a week from Saturday

Dr. Howard: Oh. You’ll make it. Lots of liquids, uh, gelatin, ice cream. And remember, no talking, okay? I’ll drop by tomorrow morning.

Mike: Thanks, Dr. Howard.

Dr. Howard: Bye-bye.

(They wave good-bye to him.)

Mike: Well, I have to get to the office. Is there anything you want? Uh, don’t answer, write it down. Cindy? (She shakes her head no) Okay. Now remember Carol, no talking, especially if your friend Ellie calls, let Alice answer the phone. (She gives him the okay signal) Okay, I’ll be home early.

(Carol blows him a kiss and Alice comes in with ice cream for both of them.)

Alice: Well, this should get them off to a good start. (Carol and Cindy knock their spoons together, as if making a toast) Now remember, it’s a little rough, going down at first. Take your time. easy does it. (Carol gives a discomforting look) I’m headed for the market, any special requests?

Carol (weakly): Get a dozen?

Alice: Write it down. (Carol gets a pad and apaer and writes, then hands a paper to Alice) Okay, Cindy, more ice cream? (Cindy nods) Vanilla? (She nods), Chocolate? (She nods again) Strawberry? (Cindy nods again) Which one? (Cindy nods again, Alice gets the message)

(Mike calls the house from the office. It rings three times and Carol answers.)

Carol: Hello.

Mike (angry): Carol, what are you doing answering the phone? Where’s Alice?

Carol: At the market. I won’t, I won’t do it again.

Mike: Good, how do you feel? Uh, no, don’t answer. I’ll see you later, bye.

(They hang up and Cindy makes a shameful gesture to Carol. She takes a magazine to read. Mike calls again a few minutes later. Carol answers after several rings.)

Carol: Hello.

Mike (faking his voice): Hi Carol, this is Ellie.

Carol: Ellie? It doesn’t sound like you.

Mike: You know why?

Carol: Why?

Mike (with his real voice): Because it’s your husband.

Carol: Sorry, wrong number.

(She hangs up. Mr. Phillips is at the office.)

Secretary: Yes, Mr. Philips.

Mr. Philips: Get me Mike Brady, please.

Secretary: Mr. Brady left 15 minutes ago. Something about getting home to his wife.

Mr. Philips: Oh yes, she’s back from the hospital. Uh, what’s that number?

(He calls the house.)

Cindy (weakly): Bet that’s Daddy.

Carol: Not again. Maybe it’s Ellie. (It rings a few more times and she answers) Hello.

Mr. Philips: Ahoy, Mrs. Brady, this is Mr. Philips.

Cindy (to Carol): Daddy?

Carol: Sure it’s Mr. Philips.

Mr. Phillips: Feeling better?

Carol: Not well enough to go on that broken down barnacle barge of yours.

(She hangs up, much to Mr. Philips surprise and chagrin. Mike walks in.)

Mike: Hi, honey.

Carol: Oh, no.

Mike: What’s the matter?

Carol: Mike, I just…

Mike: Honey, don’t talk, write it. What did you just?

(Carol takes the pad and writes on it. She passes a piece of paper to Cindy, who passes it to Mike.)

Mike (reading): My boss. You thought it was me on the phone trying to trick you? (She passes another piece of paper to Cindy, then to Mike, who reads it) You called his boat a broken down (he finishes her sentence on another piece of paper) barnacle barge? You know, this wouldn’t happen if you stayed off the phone. Oh well, I’m sure I could square it. (He goes tot he phone) I’ll call him back and explain the whole thing. He’ll probably get a big kick out of it. (He starts dialing and gets on the phone) Mr. Philips please, Mike Brady calling. (Pause) Mr. Phillips, this is Mike Brady, listen, there’s been a funny misunderstanding today and I think you’re gonna get a big kick out of it. (Mr. Phillips hangs up) He didn’t get a big kick out of it.

(That evening, Mr. Phillips comes to visit with flowers.)

Mr. Philips: Good evening, Mike.

Mike (answering the door): Mr. Philips.

Mr. Philips: May I come in?

Mike: Why, of course.

(Mike shakes his hand and lets him in.)

Mr. Philips: Thank you. (He sees Carol laying on the couch in the living room.) Well, it’s good to see you up and around.

Carol (whispering): Thank you.

Mike: She’s not supposed to speak. That’s what caused the mix-up on the phone this afternoon. She thought it was me trying to trick her.

Mr. Phillips (to Carol): Well, you can insult a man’s wife, but never his boat. I must admit my nose was slightly out of joint at the time, but thinking it over, I realized there must be some logical explanation, and that’s why I dropped by, to bring you these.

(He give her the flowers.)

Carol (whispering): Thank you.

Mr. Philips: And to ask you if you’d all still like to go on that boat trip a week from Saturday.

Mike: Oh, I think I can get you a quick answer, Mr. Philips. (yelling) Kids! (Greg, Marcia, Jan and Peter come out) Mr. Philips wants to know if we still want to go on that boat trip.

(They all get excited and cheer, then go back tot heir rooms.)

Mr. Philips: Splendid, I’m looking forward to it myself. (Carol writes him a note and hands it to him) For me? (He reads it) I have a beautiful boat? (He laughs) Well, that makes up for everything. Good night, Mrs. Brady, Mike.

Mike: Good night, Mr. Philips and thanks.

Mr. Philips: Don’t mention it. Uh, don’t bother seeing me out.

(He leaves.)

Carol (whispering): Mike.

Mike: Honey, don’t talk.

Carol: But Mike.

Mike: Oh boy, I guess there’s only one way to shut your mouth.

(He gives her a big kiss.)

(The next scene has the Bradys on the boat with Mr. Philips, they are sailing, fishing and doing other fun things. That evening, they return home.)

Marcia: What a groovy day on Mr. Philips’ boat.

Jan: What about that fish I caught.

Cindy: My fish was bigger, well, if I caught it.

Carol (laughing): Okay kids, up to bed.

(The girls go upstairs, Mike and Carol remain in the kitchen.)

Mike: Kids sure got a kick out of it.

(Greg and Peter follow with a seasick Alice.)

Greg: I don’t know anybody could get seasick so fast.

Alice: It wasn’t so fast. I was perfectly fine till I saw the boat.

Carol: Okay guys, we’ll take over from here. Thanks. (She and Mike handle Alice) Come on, Alice.

Mike: Now, you’ll be all right.

(They help her to her room as the scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Greg and Peter in the backyard trying to land their fishing rods in the bucket.)

Greg: I bet I’ll get it in this time. (Greg misses and Peter laughs out loud) Well I was close.

(Carol and Alice come out.)

Alice: Hey, you fellas better get washed up.

Carol: Your father will be home for dinner any minute.

Peter: Wait a second, Mom, we’re having a contest. (to Greg) Bet you I get it closer.

(Peter tries but no luck.)

Greg (laughing): You missed it by a mile.

Peter: You didn’t get it in either.

Carol: Uh, you guys want to stand back and watch the old queen of the sidearmers here take over? (She takes the rod) Watch this now, right into the old bucket.

(She aims but it goes over the fence.)

Greg (laughing): Right over the fence.

Peter: You don’t know your own strength, Mom.

Carol: Well, if you got it, you got it.

Alice: Oops, I think you’re hooked up again.

Carol: Oh, no.

Alice: Yeah, come on.

(Alice follows the line and steps on a box to see where the line ended up. She feels something and gives a unsure look to Carol.)

Carol: I hope it’s not Mr. Dittmeyer’s charcoal again.

Alice: No, Mrs. Brady, it’s Mr. Dittmeyer.

(Alice rises up the angry neighbor while Carol and the boys laugh.)

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                       THE END

S2 E16 The Drummer Boy

untitled drums

The Drummer Boy

Written by Tom and Helen August

Peter gets teased by his football team because he’s in the glee club. Bobby, who failed to make the glee club, decides to become a drummer. Hope you enjoy the script.











DEACON JONES, pro football player


LARRY, Peter’s teammate

JIMMY, another teammate

FREDDIE, another teammate

(The episode begins with Peter, Cindy and Jan running home in excitement. Bobby trails behind but is in a morose mood. The others go in the house and scream for their Mom. She comes running down the stairs.)

Peter, Jan and Cindy: Mom! Mom! Listen! Listen!

Carol: My goodness. Okay, okay. What’s the excitement?

Peter: Really great news. Guess what.

Carol: What?

Cindy: We’re in the glee club.

Carol (pleased): That’s wonderful!

Peter: They had tryouts today, and we were picked.

Jan: listen to us.

(They all sing the first verse of Loch Lomond.)

Carol (clapping): Hooray for the Brady singers!

(Carol sees a depressed Bobby come in.)

Carol: Hi, Bobby.

Bobby: Hi.

(He sits down and looks upset.)

Carol: Why the long face?

Cindy: He didn’t get picked for the Glee club.

Peter: Billy Mingus said Bobby couldn’t carry a tune if it had a handle on it.

(Jan and Cindy laugh.)

Bobby: Oh yeah?

Jan: Sue Barry said he sounded like a frog.

(She makes a croaking sound.)

Carol: All right, Jan. That’s enough.

(Bobby is sitting in the kitchen, still depressed over his lack of voice. Carol comes in and sits down to try cheering him up.)

Carol: Would you like an apple?

Bobby: No, thanks.

Carol: How about some cookies? (Bobby shakes his head no) I’ll bet you’d like a great big dish of your favorite ice cream.

Bobby: I don’t want anything.

Carol: Aw, come on, Bobby. Cheer up, you have a very nice voice. Well, it probably just isn’t the kind of voice the glee club needs this year.

Bobby: You really like my voice?

Carol: Listen, you can sing for me anytime.

Bobby: I can?

Carol: Yes, sir.

(Bobby sings the verse of Loch Lomond, albeit off-key.)

Carol: That’s really not bad at all, Bobby.

Bobby: I sound awful.

Carol: Aw, come on, honey. Look on the bright side. You know when boys grow older their voices change. and I’ll bet when yours does, you’ll have a brand new voice.

Bobby: Yeah, it might even be worse.

(The scene fades. The next scene has Mike arriving home form work. He and Carol go up to see Bobby, who is laying on his bed, moping.)

Carol: Honey, Daddy’s home.

Mike: Hello, son.

Bobby: Hi, dad.

Mike: Listen, I’m sorry about you not getting into the glee club.

Bobby: That’s okay. (He gets up) They didn’t need a rotten singer.

(He sits down by the desk.)

Mike (laughing): I’m sure you’re not as bad as all that.

Bobby: Ask Mom.

Carol: Of course he isn’t that bad.

Bobby: Yes I am. I may not sing good, but I hear good.

Carol: Oh, honey, just because you’re not a great singer doesn’t mean you aren’t musical.

Mike: Hey, maybe you should play an instrument.

Carol: That’s right, how about trying one?

Bobby: Like what?

Mike: Like, any instrument you want.

Carol: There must be one you like.

Bobby: Maybe there is.

Carol: Why don’t you ask your music class teacher about it tomorrow.

Bobby (suddenly excited): That’s what I’ll do. I’ll pick an instrument tomorrow.

Mike: Good, now go wash up for dinner. (Bobby runs into the bathroom. Mike turns to Carol) Have you heard him sing?

Carol (quietly): Yes?

Mike: And?

Carol: That was a very good idea you had about the instrument.

Mike (laughing): He’s terrible.

(The next scene has Peter getting ready for football practice with Greg helping him.)

Greg: You think you guys can take the Blue Devils Saturday?

Peter: Take them? We’re gonna knock the horns off them. Guess who we got helping us at football practice today.

Greg: Who?

Peter: Deacon Jones.

Greg: Ah, don’t give me that. Deacon Jones is all pro. He plays with the Rams.

Peter: Yeah, but he’s a friend of our coach. They played high school football together. So Deacon is gonna give us a few tips.

Greg (amazed): Son of a gun. Deacon Jones.

(Jan comes in with Cindy.)

Jan: Let’s go, Peter.

Cindy: Come on, or we’ll be late.

Peter: Okay, I’m coming.

Greg: Don’t tell me they’re on the team, too.

Peter: Come on. We got glee club practice first then I go to football practice. See ya.

(He starts to take off.)

Greg: Peter!

Peter (stopping): Yeah?

Greg: You forgot something. (Greg throws Peter his helmet.) Your helmet, your left shoe and your right shoe.

(Peter collects his shoes and leaves.)

(The next scene has Carol and Bobby coming home. Alice comes out and greets them.)

Alice: Hi.

Carol: Hello, Alice.

Bobby: I picked my instrument, Alice. I’ll go tell everybody.

(He runs off.)

Alice: I never saw him so excited.

Carol: It’s done wonders for his morale.

Alice: What instrument did he pick?

Carol: Behold.

(She shows Alice a drum set they purchased.)

Alice (worried): Drums? (Carol nods) Well, I’m not so sure what that’s gonna do for our morale.

Carol: Well, his music teacher encouraged him. She said that he had exactly the right qualifications.

Alice: Oh, what qualifications does a kid need to play the drums?

Carol: A mother with a station wagon.

(She hits one of the drums with her hand. Next, Deacon Jones is talking to Peter’s team and giving them pointers how to play. peter has yet to arrive from glee club.)

Jones (to two players): You’re offense, you’re defense. You got to get moving quick. You got to keep moving. You’ve got to hit, and drive through the quarterback, and then drive straight ahead, got it?

Larry: Got it, Deacon.

Jones: Go.

Coach: That’s hitting it Larry, that’s the way to hit it.

Jones: Gee, the rams could sure use you. (He turns to the coach) Hey Ted, what time is it?

Coach: Oh, that’s about it, Deacon. Afraid he’s got to go, fellows.

(The team groans in disappointment.)

Jones: I’ll be back, fellows. I’ve got to go practice with the big guys.

(The team says good-bye as Peter comes for practice.)

Peter: Coach, sorry I’m late.

Coach: It’s all right, Pete. I want you to meet Deacon Jones. Deacon, this is Peter Brady.

Jones: Hi, Peter. (They shake hands) Hey, you’ve got a pretty good grip. What position do you play?

Peter: End. Offensive end.

Jones: Gee, that’s bad news for fellows like me. Take it easy.

Peter: I will, good-bye.

(He goes over to join the rest of the team.)

Larry: You missed it, Pete. The stuff Deacon taught us was great.

Jimmy: Where were you?

Peter: I was at glee club. It took longer than I expected.

Larry: You’re kidding.

Freddie: Glee club?

Peter: Yeah, what’s the matter?

Larry: You mean you spent the whole time sitting around with a bunch of girls?

Peter: What do you mean girls? There’s guys in the glee club too.

Jimmy: They’re songbirds.

Freddie: Yeah, canaries.

Larry: Sure, football’s for boys. (He turns to the whole team) Hey guys, did you hear? We’ve got a canary on our team.

(They all laugh. Back at the house, Mike and Carol are discussing Bobby’s newfound interest in drumming.)

Mike: Well, those drums should really take Bobby’s mind off not getting in the glee club.

Carol: Yeah, and you know the kids were really very sweet, they made a big fuss over them.

Mike: Yeah, I hope he doesn’t get discouraged. You know you can’t learn to play a musical instrument in a day. It takes a lot of practice.

(Bobby starts playing and makes a ruckus.)

Carol: Like you said, it takes a lot of practice.

(Bobby continue to play, much to the parents’ dismay. Peter, Jan and Cindy are upstairs rehearsing for the glee club, singing another verse of Loch Lomond when they hear Bobby’s playing and get distracted.)

Cindy: How are we supposed to practice?

Peter: You can hear those drums all the way to Loch lomond.

Jan: Right now I wish Bobby was in the glee club.

Peter: I wish he was in Loch lomond.

Carol (entering the room): Hi, kids.

Jan: Hi, Mom.

Carol: How’s it going?

Jan: It isn’t, Mom. We can’t even hear ourselves sing.

Peter: I’m gonna go tell Bobby to knock it off.

Carol: Uh, uh, that’s exactly why I came up here.

Cindy: To tell Bobby to knock it off.

Carol: No, sweetheart. To remind all of you how important those drums are to Bobby. Now, he was very upset when he didn’t get into the glee club. Now he’s so happy to be doing something musical.

Jan (sarcastic): Musical?

Carol: Promise me you’ll try to be patient and understanding. Okay?

Jan: Okay.

Peter: Okay, I got football practice anyway.

Carol: Cindy?

Cindy: Okay.

(Next, Carol is in the boys’ room talking to Greg and Marcia, who are trying to study.)

Carol: It really means a lot to Bobby!

Greg: We’re sure not gonna get much homework done, Mom!

Carol: Well, I know it’s hard but let’s try not to hurt his feelings, okay?

(She leaves the room. Marcia closes her books and gets up.)

Greg: Aren’t you gonna study anymore?

Marcia: Yeah, under the hair dryer, it’ll be quieter there.

(Next, Mike goes into the kitchen and sees Alice.)

Mike: Hi, Alice, what’s for dinner?

Alice: What?

Mike: Dinner!

Alice: Thanks! I’m glad somebody thinks I look thinner!

Mike (to Carol): Honey, we’re gonna have to straighten this out!

Carol: Yes, dear, but we started it!

Mike: Oh yeah, we did, but…

Carol: Yeah, well, maybe a few more lessons at school.

Mike: You honestly think a few more lessons is gonna improve him?

Carol: Honestly?

Mike: Yeah, honestly.

Carol: Let’s go in and talk to him.

(They go in the family room, where Bobby is practicing.)

Bobby: I’m getting good, huh?

Mike: Well, actually, Bobby, uh…

Bobby: I’ll get even better with more practicing.

Carol; More practicing?

Bobby: Some guys practice eight hours a day. Listen to this.

(He turns the stereo on to play music and drums along with it. Mike turns it off after a few minutes.)

Mike: Whoa!

Bobby: I sure am glad you wanted me to play an instrument.

Mike (laughing): Yeah, well we did, didn’t we.

Carol: That we did.

(Bobby starts to play some more, much to their chagrin.)

Bobby: I got a groovy beat, huh?

Mike: Well Bobby, you play just fine for a beginner.

Carol: Funny, that was just what I was going to say.

Bobby: Gee, thanks.

(He plays more and upsets the parents further. They show the house, rocked with his playing.)

(The next scene has Peter at football practice.)

Peter (to Larry): Come on, let’s go.

Larry: I wouldn’t want to hurt the star of the glee club.

Peter: Cut it out, Larry. I’ve been taking it from you guys all afternoon.

Larry: Aw, he got his feelings hurt.

Peter: Freddie, how about you?

Freddie: Nah, I wouldn’t wanna ruin your beautiful voice.

Peter: Jimmy?

Jimmy: Nah, you might sprain your ankle, then you wouldn’t be able to reach your high notes.

(They all laugh.)

Peter (leaving): All right, you guys.

Larry: We don’t need any canaries on our team.

Freddie: Maybe he can stand around and sing songs while we play.

Jimmy: That’s it, Peter can be a pom-pom girl.

(They laugh and join the rest of the team. Peter goes home, hurt and humiliated as the scene fades.)

untitled glee club football

(The next scene is back at the Brady house, Bobby is still drumming and driving the rest of the family crazy. Greg and Marcia go into Carol’s room for permission to go to the library.)

Marcia: Can we go to the library tonight?

Carol: To do your homework?

Greg: Yeah, it’s the only place we can study and get away with the drums.

Alice: You ought to try the closet, it’s not bad at all in there.

Carol: Well, all right, kids.

Marcia: See you later.

Greg: Bye.

(Marcia closes the door on her way out. Carol and Alice are emptying Carol’s closet with old boxes.)

Carol: I don’t know how we manage to collect so much stuff. These empty boxes can go out, Alice.

Alice: Right. I hate to say it, Mrs.. Brady. The more I hear Bobby play, the more I’m convinced that drumsticks are for turkeys.

Carol (laughing): At least it’s better here than in the kitchen.

Alice: Anyplace is better than the kitchen. The kitchen is in the line of fire. (She collects the boxes from Carol) I’ll get rid of these.

Carol: Oh, Alice. Bobby hasn’t improved at all, has he?

Alice: Mrs. Brady, every day he plays just a little worse than the day before. And today he’s playing like tomorrow.

(She opens the door to exit as Jan and Cindy come in.)

Jan: Oh hi, Alice. (Alice passes) Mom, can we go over to Linda’s?

Cindy: To rehearse for the glee club?

Carol: The drums.

Jan: Yeah, Linda’s house is three blocks away, out of the noise belt. Can we go?

Carol: Sure kids, run along.

(Jan and Cindy run into Peter, who enters the room.)

Jan: Oh, come on, Pete. We’re going over to Linda’s.

Peter: Not me, I’m not going.

Cindy: But you have to.

Peter (adamantly): I’m not going.

Jan (to Cindy): Come on.

Carol: Peter, don’t you have to practice?

Peter: Who can think of singing with all that banging going on. I might as well quit the glee club.

(He leaves the room. Mike enters.)

Mike: Honey.

Carol: Oh, Mike, complaints are coming in from all precincts. I mean, Peter might even quit the glee club because of Bobby’s drumming.

Mike: I got the solution to Peter’s problem. In fact, I have got a solution to everybody’s problem.

Carol: You have?

Mike: Did it ever strike you that a musician should have his own studio to practice in?

(The next scene has Mike and Carol moving Bobby’s drum set to the garage.)

Mike: See, you got the whole garage. Well, out here you won’t be disturbed by telephones all the time.

Carol: And your brothers and sisters won’t be in your way either.

Bobby: Yeah. It’s kind of like the music room at school.

Mike: This is kind of like your own private studio, huh.

Bobby: Boy, that’s neat-o.

(He starts playing and Mike and Carol go outside.)

Carol: have fun.

(Mike is inside his den enjoying the peace and quiet they got to have again. Carol comes in with coffee.)

Carol: Well, how about a coffee break?

Mike: Hey, good idea.

Carol: Careful, it’s hot. (He cautiously takes it) Well, how’s it going with Bobby out in his studio?

Mike: Good, at least I can concentrate without the beat-beat of the tom-tom clogging up my head.

Carol (laughing): Well, I think we’ve finally solved the problem.

(Peter comes in.)

Carol: Oh, Peter.

Mike: Hey, come in son.

Peter: Hey, you can practice at home now.

Mike: Yeah, it’s certainly quiet enough now.

Peter: I don’t feel very much like singing.

Mike: Huh? You mean you’re still thinking of quitting the glee club.

Peter: Tomorrow, I guess.

Carol: Well, I thought you said it was about Bobby’s drumming.

Peter: I guess it’s really not because of Bobby.

Carol: Oh?

Peter: It’s because of the guys on my team.

Mike: Football team?

Peter: They think singing’s for girls, and canaries.

Carol: Well, what’s that supposed to mean, canary?

Peter: I don’t know, I guess it’s a chicken that can sing.

Carol: That’s why you’re leaving the glee club?

Peter: I guess so.

Mike: Listen, before you make that decision, I think you better give that some more thought. Don’t you quit for the wrong reason.

Peter: But they keep teasing me all the time.

Mike: Well, so what? I don’t think you’re a canary because you sing in the glee club. Huh? You make up your own mind.

Carol: Why couldn’t you play football and still be in the glee club.

Peter: Yeah, I could do both, but I think I better quit.

(He leaves the den.)

Carol: Oh, Mike, he loves the glee club.

Mike: Yeah, I know he does. (The phone rings) I’ll get it. (picking it up) Hello. Speaking. Yes, I understand, but it’s still kind of early yet. Yeah, of course. Right. Good-bye. (He hangs up) That’s one of the neighbors about Bobby’s drumming.

Carol: Oh, well, there’s always one crank in the neighborhood.

(The phone rings again.)

Mike (picking up): Hello, yeah. (He makes a gesture to Carol that it’s another complaint) Well, so much for the great outdoors.

(The next scene has Bobby back inside the house drumming away. carol and Mike are in the living room discussing the problem.)

Mike: Carol, we’ve been patient, but now we’ve got to do something!

Carol: Look, Mike, if he can’t practice, he’ll have to give up the drums! He’ll be crushed!

Mike: It’s not going to crush him! It might dent him a little bit!

Carol: Oh, Mike! Couldn’t we just wait a little…

Mike: Carol, it’s not fair to eight other people in this house! Or the neighbors, or the city. (He starts to laugh and puts his fingers in his ears) Or the state.

(That evening, they are in their room discussing what to do next.)

Carol: I suppose you’re right.

Mike: Yeah, well, we’ll simply have to tell Bobby. It’s not fair to the rest of the family.

Carol: Okay, we’ll tell him in the morning. (Mike agrees) Good night, honey.

(She reaches over to kiss him.)

Mike: Good night, sweetheart.

(He turns out the light.)

Carol: No, let’s tell him tomorrow after school. Why ruin his whole day?

(She turns out her light.)

Mike: Oh yeah, no need to ruin his whole day. Boom, boom, boom.

Carol: What?

Mike: I said boom, boom, boom. It’s that drumming that keeps going through my head. Just boom, boom, boom.

(Carol pats his head. The next day, Peter is at football practice and Deacon Jones is there to help out.)

Jones (to the team): Just try as hard as you can, that’s all your coach and your team can ask of you. And that’s all you can ask of yourself.

Coach: All right, let’s see how our pass defense is coming along. Peter, you play offensive end, and you, Larry, you are defensive end, let’s go.

Larry: Oh boy, I get the canary.

(The team laughs.)

Peter: Cut that out, Larry.

Larry: When the ball snaps, he’ll probably get up and sing.

(More laughter from the team.)

Jones: Don’t ever underestimate your opponent.

Larry: This guy will be a cinch, he’s a songbird.

Peter: Not anymore, I’m going to quit the glee club.

Jones (to Larry): You think this guy can’t play football because he sings?

Larry: Sure, you know, singing is for canaries. Sissy stuff.

(The coach starts to laugh.)

Jones: I sing. Am I a sissy?

Larry (surprised): You? Gosh, no Deacon.

Jones: Matter of fact, we got a group on our team. And we perform when we’re not playing football.

Peter: I didn’t know that.

Jones: If singing was sissy stuff, we’d be missing a lot of good men in sports.

Coach: That’s right. Rosey Grier, he sings, I don’t know anyone who’s brave enough to call him a sissy.

Jones: Not even me.

(Peter and Larry look like they get the message.)

Coach: Then there’s Joe Namath and there’s another pretty tough fellow named Joe Frazier.

Jones (to Peter): I don’t think you have to quit singing just because you think it’s sissy.

Peter: No, I guess not.

Coach: All right, let’s play football. Let’s have a little action here.

Jones (to Peter): Go get him, Tiger.

(They play. The next scene has Mike come in to the kitchen to greet Carol.)

Mike: Hi, honey. (He kisses her and then hears Bobby playing his drums) Don’t tell me, let me guess, Bobby’s home.

Carol: Straight to the house and straight for those drums.

Mike: I think it’s time we had our little talk with him.

Carol: I’m with you.

Peter (coming in): Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. I better hurry or I’ll be late for practice.

Mike: Looks like you just finished.

(Bobby stops drumming and Mike repeats himself.)

Carol: I thought you quit.

Peter: Nope. Did you know there’s a lot of guys who sing that aren’t sissies? Deacon Jones, Rosey Grier, Joe Namath. Would you call them sissies, Dad?

Mike (laughing): No, not for the life of me.

Peter: Guess what. Now there’s a lot of guys on the team trying out for the glee club. I better hurry or I’ll be late.

(Peter leaves.)

Carol (to Mike): Well, what do you know about that?

(Bobby starts drumming again.)

Mike: Let’s go have our talk. (They start heading to the family room) I’ll try and be gentle.

(They go in the family room. Bobby stops once again.)

Bobby: Hi.

Carol: Hi, Bobby.

Mike: Hello, son. Bobby, listen, your mother and I would like to talk to you.

Bobby: Sure, I want to talk to you too.

Carol: You do?

Bobby: Well, I wanted to ask you, well, if, gee, I hope this doesn’t make you mad.

Mike: What is it, Bobby?

Bobby: Well, I know how much you wanted me to be a drummer. (Pause) Would you be too disappointed if I quit?

Mike: Quit the drums?

Bobby: Uh huh.

Carol: Forever?

Bobby: Never mind. I’ll stick with them, I know how much you wanted me to play.

(He plays some more. Mike stops him.)

Mike: No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. If you want to give up the drums, that’s perfectly fine with us.

Bobby: Are you sure?

Carol: Positive. That is, if that’s really what you want.

Mike: That’s the point, Bob. Now, it has to be what you want. There are certain things a boy has to do, like homework or chores, but…

Carol: But you shouldn’t pretend to enjoy things just to please other people.

Mike: Ask Peter, he found out the same thing.

Bobby: I guess you’re right, and that really make sit neat-o. There’s another kid at school, George, and he wants to be a drummer.

Mike: Oh, well, I’m sure George will appreciate you giving up the drums for him.

Carol: Well, that’s really very thoughtful.

Bobby: Now I can switch with George, he’s gonna play the drums and I’m gonna play his instrument.

Mike: His instrument?

Bobby: Yeah, he loaned it to me so I could try it.

(He pulls out a bugle.)

Carol (annoyed): The bugle?

Bobby: Yeah, listen to this.

(He starts to pay and is just as bad on that as on the drums.)

Carol: I think he’s going to hurt himself.

(Mike laughs. Early the next morning, Bobby is outside playing the bugle. This awakens Mike and Carol.)

Carol: Mike, is that Bobby?

Mike: It’s not Gabriel. I think he’s trying to play reveille.

(Carol groans and tries going back to sleep. Mike gets out of bed.)

Carol: You’re not going to get up, are you?

Mike: Just long enough to tie a knot in his bugle.

(Mike leaves the room to head downstairs. Bobby is still playing off-key as the scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Mike coming home with a gift for Bobby.)

Mike (coming through the door): Hey, it’s me.

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart. (He gives her a kiss.) Bobby home?

Carol: Yeah.

Mike (calling): Bobby!

Carol (pointing to the gift): What’s that?

Mike: It’s for Bobby. Listen, I spent half the day trying to figure this out. I finally got it.

Bobby (coming to him): You called?

Mike: Yes, son, I have something for you.

Bobby: For me?

Mike: Bobby, I know how very much you want to be in the band. And we tried the drums, we tried the bugle, but I honestly think this is going to be the answer.

Bobby (opening the package): The baton?

Mike: Yes.

Carol: Bobby, that’s the most important part of the band.

Mike: You think you can learn to use that?

Bobby: Sure I can. Watch this.

(He goes around the living room twirling it.)

Mike: That won’t give us any trouble.

(Bobby went to toss the baton, and something accidentally broke.)

Bobby: Gee, I guess it’ll take a little practice.

Carol: A great idea.

untitled drummer boy

           THE END

S2 E15 Will The Real Jan Brady Please Stand Up?

untitled wig

Will The Real Jan Brady Please Stand Up?

Written by Al Schwartz and Bill Freedman

Jan buys a brunette to try standing out from her sisters. Hope you enjoy the script.












LUCY WHITAKER, Jan’s friend

MARGIE WHIPPLE, another friend

(The episode begins with Jan coming home from school. She puts her books and her sweater on the stairs, then walks into the kitchen, where she sees Carol and Marcia.)

Jan: Hi, Mom.

Carol: Hi, honey. How was school today?

Jan: Okay.

Carol: Alice made some of your favorite cookies if you’re hungry.

Jan: Good, I am.

(She pours Jan a glass of milk.)

Marcia: Mmm. Here, this is for you.

(She hands her a letter.)

Jan: Oh. (She reads it) Hey, it’s an invitation to Lucy Whitaker’s birthday party. (Marcia smiles) Who opened it?

Marcia: I did, but it wasn’t my fault. Look at the envelope.

Jan (reading the envelope): Marcia Brady? How come my invitation was addressed to you?

Marcia: I don’t know. Lucy’s your friend, so I called her and checked it out.

Jan: Well, what did she say?

Marcia: Well you know, just one of those things. She made a mistake and put my name instead of yours.

(Jan gets upset and goes in the family room to see Carol, who is collecting clothes for laundry.)

Jan: Mom.

Carol: Yes, honey.

Jan: Did you hear about Lucy Whitaker’s invitation?

Carol: Well, I did hear Marcia calling about it.

Jan (upset): Why does this always happen to me?

Carol: Why does what always happen?

Jan: People are always forgetting who I am. I’m always Marcia’s younger sister or Cindy’s older sister. I’m in the middle, and being in the middle is like being invisible.

Carol: Oh, Jan, I really think you’re making too much out of this. I mean after all, you are the one who was invited to the party.

(Carol leaves.)

Jan (to herself): They won’t even know I’m there. (She starts reading a magazine. there’s a page with many people, the top of the page states Who stands out in a crowd) Jan Brady will, that’s who.

(She puts the magazine down and walks away. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Peter coming into the den to see Mike.)

Peter: Dad, can I talk to you?

Mike (working on a design): Sure Peter, just a minute.

(Mike is still working and Peter starts to whistle. Mike gets a little annoyed. Peter then walks to Mike’s other side and then back.)

Mike (impatiently): Peter, what is it you want?

Peter: Well, I was wondering if I could have an advance on my allowance.

Mike: Advance on your allowance? I just gave you your allowance for this week.

Peter: Well, I was thinking more like an advance on next week’s.

Mike: What happened to this week’s?

Peter: Well, I saw the chance for a really great business deal, so I lent everything I had to Jan, $4.49. At 20% interest.

Mike: What does Jan need all that money for?

Peter: She didn’t say.

Mike: Well, what do you need the money for?

Peter: Well, I was invited to Lucy Whitaker’s party, too. So I guess I better get her a present.

Mike: Well, that’s probably what Jan wanted the money for. How much do you need?

Peter: Mmm. 49 cents.

Mike: 49 cents? Why exactly 49 cents?

Peter: Well, I figure that’s how much she spent on my birthday present, so I don’t want to embarrass her by getting her something too good.

Mike: Well, that’s very considerate, Peter. (He goes in his pocket and takes 50 cents out) Here, you owe me a penny.

Peter: Got it already. (He takes a penny out of his pocket) There.

Mike: Thanks. (Peter looks on Mike’s desk) Good bye, Peter.

(Peter leaves the den. We next see Jan down at the department store.)

Saleswoman (to Jan): Are you looking for someone, dear?

Jan: Oh no, ma’am, I’m looking for a wig.

Saleswoman: You mean for yourself?

Jan: Yes ma’am.

Saleswoman: I think your own hair is nice. I love it. I don’t know why you want to change it.

Jan: I think you’d probably know why if you had two blonde sisters at home.

Saleswoman: Oh, I see the problem. We want a complete change, do we?

Jan: Yes ma’am, that’s what we want.

Saleswoman: Well now, what style wig did you have in mind?

Jan: Oh, I don’t know. Something crazy, kind of like the style you’re wearing.

Saleswoman (laughing weakly): Uh, it’s my own hair.

Jan: I’m sorry.

Saleswoman: Not half as sorry as I am. (She looks in another direction) Well, let’s see what we got here. There’s early rust, Pompeii pumice, lunar dust, here’s no.

(Jan finds another wig.)

Jan: Hey, this one’s kinda nice.

Saleswoman: Oh yes, that’s your midnight temptress. (Jan tries it on) Listen, don’t you think it’s a little, uh, mature?

Jan: Well, I’m older than I look, I’m 12.

Saleswoman (sarcastically): That old. You carry it very well.

Jan (smiling): Thank you. Midnight temptress, huh.

Saleswoman: That’s right.

Jan (taking it off): Well, I don’t think I’ll be up that late. (She hands it back to  the saleswoman) Do you mind if I kinda look around?

Saleswoman: Oh, not at all. And listen, with each and every purchase you get a free Styrofoam head.

(She gives Jan a funny look. Jan notices another wig.)

Jan: Hey, that one’s kinda different.

(She goes off to try it on.)

Saleswoman: Oh, no no no! I wouldn’t recommend that.

Jan: Why not?

Saleswoman: It’s a handbag, and it should be over here. (She puts it where it belongs) Helen, Helen, how many times do I have to tell you never to mix the merchandise Helen, it’s tacky.

Jan: Well, well, I think I’ll keep looking.

Saleswoman (to Helen): It’s embarrassing. A little girl almost walked out of the store wearing this on her head.

(The next scene has Jan coming home with a brunette wig she purchased. She goes into the bathroom to try it on. Meanwhile, Cindy and Marcia are in their room, with Cindy standing on the bottom drawer of their dresser.)

Marcia (laughing): Cindy, what are you looking for?

Cindy: Hair ribbons. I can’t go over to Jenny’s house with out them, or she’ll get mad.

Marcia: Why?

Cindy: Because they’re her hair ribbons. We swapped yesterday.

Marcia: When was the last time you saw them?

Cindy: Last night when I took them off. Hey, maybe they’re in the bathroom.

(She and Marcia head over to the bathroom to look for them. Jan has the door locked while wearing her wig. Cindy knocks on the door.)

Jan: Whoever it is, I’m in here.

Cindy: Jan, let me in. I have to get my hair ribbons.

Jan: Come back later.

(Cindy continues to knock, then Marcia starts knocking.)

Marcia: Come on, Jan, open up! Will you let us in?

(Jan opens the door and hands Cindy the ribbons. She and Marcia grab Jan’s arm to keep the door open and get in. They notice the wig.)

Cindy: Jan, what happened? The top of your head turned black.

Jan: Don’t be silly, it’s a wig.

Marcia: Where did you get that?

Jan: I bought it this morning. What do you think?

Marcia: Jan, I think it looks awful.

Jan: Who asked for your opinion?

(Meanwhile, Carol and Alice are downstairs working on the dress for Jan to wear to the party.)

Carol: Oh, I always liked this dress on Jan. (Alice mumbled something with a pin in her mouth) You too, huh? (Alice mumbles something else) Yeah, I agree. Well, i hope we got it right this time.

(Alice continues to mumble and Mike comes by.)

Mike: Honey, have you seen those blueprints I brought home?

Carol: Alice, have you seen Mr. Brady’s blueprints?  (Alice mumbles again to Carol) She said they’re upstairs in the bedroom.

Mike (surprised): How can you tell what she said?

Carol: Oh, very simple.

Mike (laughing): Women.

Carol: Honey, listen, if you’re going upstairs, could you send Jan down? I want her to try this on again.

(Cut back to the girls room.)

Marcia: Jan, you can’t wear that to Lucy Whitaker’s birthday party.

Jan: I don’t see why not.

Marcia: Because you’ll look like some kind of kook, that’s why.

Jan: You’re just jealous, Marcia.

Cindy: Well I’m not jealous.

Jan: Wait till my friends at the party see me. You know what they’ll say?

Marcia: Mmm hmm. I can think of a lot of things they’ll say.

Jan: Very funny. They’ll say for the first time they’ve seen the real Jan Brady.

Mike (from the hallway): Jan!

Jan: Oh, oh, that’s Dad. I don’t want Mom or Dad to see me before I’m all set.

Marcia: Then you better be ready in a hurry.

Cindy: Yeah.

(Marcia and Cindy get out of the bathroom. Jan tries to hide the wig.)

Mike: Jan.

Jan: Yes, Dad.

Mike: Your mother wants you.

Jan: You mean now?

Mike: Yes.

Jan: Right now?

Mike: That’s what I said, right now.

Jan (putting a towel over her wig): You mean this very minute, now?

Mike (opening the bathroom door): This very minute, now.

Jan: It’s my hair. I can’t do a thing with it.

(The next scene has Greg and Bobby outside playing basketball.)

Bobby: Hey, when’s Peter coming back?

Greg: I don’t know. He went to buy a present for Lucy.

Bobby: I got something I better tell him.

Greg: What?

Bobby: Guess who’s going to be at Lucy Whitaker’s party?

Greg: Who?

Bobby: Margie Whipple, her brother told me.

Greg: The one Peter said is always chasing after him?

Bobby (nodding): Yeah, making those goofy eyes at him and all that mush.

Greg: He’s gonna love seeing her.

Bobby: We better warn him when he gets back.

Greg: Hey, wait a minute. What would happen if we didn’t tell him Margie Whipple was going to be there?

Bobby: Then he wouldn’t know till he got to the party.

Greg: And spend the whole time with Margie chasing after him, get it?

Bobby: That’d be a dirty trick to play on him.

Greg: Uh-huh.

Bobby: Uh-huh.

(Jan goes into the kitchen.)

Jan: You wanted to see me, Mom?

Carol: Jan, I thought you washed your hair yesterday.

Jan: Oh, I did, but, it needed it again.

Carol: Well, come on over here, I want to check the length on this.

Jan: Couldn’t we do it later?

Caro: Jan honey, if you’re going to wear this to the party, we’ve got to do it right now.

Jan: Okay.

Carol: Come on. (she hands it to Alice) Here Alice, you hold it up and I’ll take a look.

Alice (to Jan): Okay, you’re really gonna knock them dead at that party in this dress.

Jan: Thank you.

Alice: Looks great, goes so well with your blonde hair.

Carol: Hold still, Jan. Oh, I think it looks fine, huh.

Alice: Mmm, just right.

(Greg and Bobby come in.)

Greg: Mom, can we have a… (They notice the towel on Jan’s head) Hey, what are you supposed to be, a swami?

Jan: Very funny.

Bobby: What’s a swami?

Greg: It’s like a fortune teller. (They go up to Jan, with Greg using the basketball as a crystal ball) Tell us, swami, what do you see in your crystal ball?

Bobby: Yeah, tell our fortunes.

Jan: Oh, stop that.

Greg: What’s the matter, did you lose your mystic powers?

Bobby: Maybe they’re under her hat.

(He pulls the towel off, exposing Jan’s wig.)

Carol (shocked): Jan! What on earth?

(The boys start laughing.)

Jan (angry): What’s so funny?

Greg: Nothing, if you want to look like Davy Crockett.

Mike (coming into the kitchen): What’s going on in here?

(The boys continue their laughing and ridiculing Jan.)

Bobby: She looks like she’s got a skunk sleeping on top of her head.

Jan (furious): Go away, just leave me alone.

Mike: Greg, Bobby, that’s enough.

Alice (handing Carol the dress): Here, Mrs. Brady. (She goes over to the boys) Come on, guys, I’ll play you a game of two on one.

Jan: I don’t see what’s so funny about my wig.

Mike: Jan, where did you get that?

Jan: I bought it with my own money.

Carol: Why?

Jan: Because I want to wear it. I want to wear it all the time from now on.

Mike: Honey, why?

Jan: I want to be me. I’m tired of looking like everybody else. I want to be Jan Brady.

Carol: But honey, Jan brady has blonde hair.

Jan: Nobody notices that Jan Brady, but they’ll sure notice this Jan Brady.

Mike: Jan, a person doesn’t make himself different just by putting on a wig.

Carol: It’s what’s inside that counts, not the color of your hair.

Jan: Well then, if the color of my hair doesn’t matter, why can’t I be a brunette?

Mike: Well, honey…

Jan: Please, can I wear it? Please, just to Lucy Whitaker’s party?

Carol: Well, if it means so much to you, and if it’s okay with your father. (Mike nods) Okay.

Jan (pleased): Oh, thanks, you’ll see. Things will be different for me as a brunette.

(The scene fades out.)

untitled jan's wig

(The next scene has Jan in there room with Cindy and Marcia, wearing the wig.)

Jan: I bet I’m the hit of Lucy’s party tonight.

Cindy (to Marcia): How do you think Kitty Karry-All would look with black hair?

Marcia: Same as Jan, silly.

Jan: You think you’re so smart, all you’d have to do is take a look at the three of us. Which one do you think people would notice?

Cindy: Me, I’m the shortest.

(Greg and Bobby are in their room with Greg fixing something.)

Greg (to Bobby): Pliers. (Bobby hands him a monkey wrench.) Does this look like pliers?

Peter (entering the room): Hi.

Greg and Bobby: Hi.

(Bobby starts laughing at him.)

Peter: What’s so funny?

Bobby: Nothing.

(Peter goes to wrap a present he bought for Lucy.)

Greg: What are you doing?

Peter: What does it look like I’m doing? I’m going to wrap Lucy Whitaker’s present.

(Bobby starts laughing again.)

Greg: Oh, that’s right, the party’s tonight. That ought to be a lot of fun.

Bobby: Yeah, fun.

(He continues laughing.)

Peter: What’s the matter with him?

Greg: Nothing. He’s just got the giggles.

Peter (suspicious): Okay, something is up. (He gets up and moves toward the boys) What is it?

Greg: Nothing at all.

Peter: Come on, Bobby, you know something. Tell me.

Bobby: No I don’t.

Peter: I’ll tickle you.

Bobby: No!

(They move toward the bed with Peter tickling Bobby.)

Peter: Tell me.

Bobby: No!

Peter: Talk.

Bobby: Quit tickling!

Peter: Not until you tell me!

Bobby: All right, all right, all right! I’ll tell you.

Peter: Okay.

(He stops tickling.)

Bobby: Somebody is going to be at the party.

Peter: Who?

Bobby: Somebody.

Peter (continuing to tickle): Who?

Bobby: Margie, Margie Whipple!

Peter: Oh, no. No.

Greg: You’ll have a great time, Pete.

Peter: Yeah, great, with her chasing me and making dumb faces all night. I’m not going.

Bobby: You gotta go.

Greg: Yeah, you can’t promise to go and take Jan and then not do it. Not unless you were sick or something.

Peter: Yeah, well, just the same, I…

(Peter starts to get an idea.)

Bobby: What’s the matter?

Peter: Boy, am I beginning to feel sick.

(He gets in bed and fakes moaning and groaning. Greg and Bobby get Mike and Carol.)

Greg (to Mike): So I thought you’d better take a look at Peter.

Bobby: Yeah, he doesn’t sound so good.

Greg: He’s kind of moaning.

Bobby: And groaning.

Mike (going up the stairs with them): When did this happen?

Greg: Just a little while ago.

Bobby: All of a sudden.

Carol: Never a dull moment around here.

(Peter gloats at his assumedly fake illness as they enter the room. He pretends to moan.)

Carol: Peter, what’s wrong?

Peter: I don’t know. I just don’t feel so good.

Greg: It kind of hit him all of a sudden.

Bobby: Yeah, like lightning.

Mike (to Greg and Bobby): I think you boys better leave us alone.

Greg; Sure, Dad.

(He and Bobby leave the room.)

Mike: Where does it hurt, Peter?

Peter: Kind of all over. It’s sort of a traveling pain.

Carol: When did it start?

Peter: Just a little while ago. I guess I’ll have to miss Lucy Whitaker’s terrific party.

(Mike and Carol get suspicious.)

Mike: It’s that bad, isn’t it?

Peter: Yeah, I’ll have to miss it all right. Boy, am I unhappy about that.

Mike: Yes, we can see that.

Carol: Mike, don’t you think we better call the doctor?

Mike: Oh, yeah, right away.

Peter (suddenly afraid): Doctor? Well, I’ll be all right. See, I can sit up a little.

Carol: Dear, I really think it’s better if you stay in bed.

Mike: At least for a couple of days.

Peter: But I have a ball game tomorrow!

Carol: Not if you’re sick.

(She sets him back down.)

Peter: Wait, I’ll be all right. I feel much better now.

Carol: I’m sorry Peter, but we can’t take any chances.

Peter: Look. (She jumps off the bed) I’m not sick anymore, see. Can I play in the game tomorrow, please?

Mike: Well, just to make sure you’re okay, Peter, you can take your sister to Lucy Whitaker’s birthday party. If you’re okay after that, then you can play.

Carol: That’s a good idea, Mike. I know Peter would just hate to miss that party.

Peter (sarcastically, to himself): Yeah, I can hardly wait.

(That evening, Peter and Jan are just outside Lucy’s house. Jan is wearing her wig.)

Jan: Come on, Peter. (Peter stalls) What’s the matter with you? You act like you were going to the electric chair.

Peter: It be better than facing that Margie. (Jan rings the doorbell) I think I’ll lock myself in a closet.

Jan: Well, you may not have a good time, but the new Jan Brady is going to be a smash. Now you go in first and sort of announce me. I want to make a big entrance.

(She hides behind a wall as Lucy opens the door.)

Lucy: Oh, hi, Peter.

Peter (giving her a gift): Hi Lucy, happy birthday.

Lucy: Thank you. Margie, Peter’s here!

Peter (bitterly): Did you have to do that?

(Margie comes out and starts holding on to him.)

Margie: Hi, Peter, how are you.

Lucy: Where’s Jan?

Peter: Oh, okay everybody, here’s my sister. The new Jan Brady!

(Jan comes out from behind the wall.)

Jan: Hi there. (Lucy and Margie look at her with great shock. Jan gives a gift to Lucy) Happy Birthday, Lucy. Hi, Margie.

Margie: Hi.

Lucy: Jan, that’s terrific.

Jan: Thanks.

Lucy: That’s the funniest joke you ever played.

(Everybody at the party laughs, much to Jan’s dismay.)

Margie: You really look funny.

Lucy: Hey, that would be great for Halloween!

Jan: Halloween?

Lucy: Yeah, Halloween.

(Everybody laughs and Jan runs away, hurt and embarrassed.)

Lucy (to Peter): What’s the matter with her?

Peter: Lucy, she didn’t mean it to be a joke.

Lucy: You mean she wasn’t kidding?

Peter: No.

(Margie holds on to his arm and smiles. Back at home, Carol and Mike are in the living room watching television. Carol turns off the television in tears.)

Carol: Oh, honey, wasn’t that good?

Mike (looking up from his book): Is it over?

Carol (sternly): Is it over? (She takes his book) You were the one who wanted to watch it.

Mike: Sure, it is one of my favorite shows.

Carol: Oh, I am going to get you.

(She goes to join him on the couch.)

Mike: Ow!

(They hug. Jan comes in upset and with the wig off.)

Carol: Jan.

Jan: Hi, there.

(Carol comes up to her.)

Carol: Honey, what’s the matter?

Jan: They laughed at me. They thought my wig was a joke.

Carol: Oh, sweetheart, I’m sorry.

Jan: Mom, Dad, you were right. I guess I do look like some kind of a freak in this thing.

Mike: Honey, you just don’t look like you.

Carol: Well, Jan, your friends like you just the way you are.

Jan (angry): I sure wasted my money on that thing.

Mike: Oh, well, I’m not so sure. Maybe you learned a valuable lesson very cheaply.

(Peter, Lucy and Margie come in.)

Peter: Why didn’t you wait, Jan? I would’ve walked you home.

Lucy: Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Hi, Lucy.

Mike: Hello girls.

Lucy: Jan, we’re really sorry. We didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. We thought the wig had to be a joke.

Margie: Your own hair is so pretty.

Lucy: We all envy it.

Jan: You do?

Lucy: Will you come back to the party with us, please?

Jan: Well.

Carol: Oh, honey, why don’t you?

Jan: Well, I’d like to, I guess. Okay.

Lucy: Okay.

(She leaves with Lucy while Mike and Carol look on with delight. Peter balks at going.)

Margie: Hey, come on, Peter.

Peter: No chance.

Mike: Hey, Peter, I thought we had an agreement.

Peter (bitterly): Oh yeah, okay, I’ll go.

(He leaves with Margie holding on to him.)

Mike: Yeah, he’s shy. Like father, like son.

Carol: Like heck.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Alice trying on Jan’s wig. Carol and Mike come in from shopping.)

Alice: Uh, ah, I didn’t… Jan gave it to me. What do you think, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: Oh, uh, well, I think it’s, uh, what I mean is it’s, well, what do you think, Mike?

Mike: Uh, uh, well, I think it’s uh, I mean, it’s certainly got a lot of, uh.

Alice: I think I need a third opinion. (She looks in the mirror) Alice, what do you think? It’s unanimous. Oh well, I can always shave it and use it for a shower cap.

untitled another wig pic

                                     THE END


S2 E14 Where There’s Smoke

untitled smoke

Where There’s Smoke Written by David P. Harmon

Greg is caught smoking cigarettes with some of his buddies. Things get worse when a pack is found in his jacket. Hope you enjoy the script.











TOMMY JOHNSON, Greg’s friend

MRS. JOHNSON, Tommy’s mother

JOHNNY AND PHIL, friends of Greg’s

(The episode begins with Greg at his school. He sees his friends Tommy, Johnny and Phil, and goes over to talk to them.)

Greg: Hey, hi, you guys.

Tommy: Hey Greg, come here.

Phil: Tommy says you play a little guitar.

Greg: Yeah, I play a little.

Tommy: Yeah, Johnny, Phil and I got a group together.

Johnny: The Banana Convention.

Greg: Sure, I heard all about you guys.

Tommy (holding a cigarette): Uh, we got a date to play this dance over at Stephen Decatur High School on Saturday night.

Johnny: It’s gonna be a really big show, really big.

Tommy: Yeah, we need an extra guitar for the gig.

Phil: You available?

Greg: To play?

Greg: Oh, sure, I’m available.

Tommy: Of course, we’ll have to get together for a couple of sessions.

Greg: Great. Only my amplifier needs a little work. (Tommy offers Greg a cigarette) Uh, Tommy.

Tommy: Hey man, they’re just plain cigarettes.

(Johnny and Phil nod to him in encouragement.)

Greg: Yeah, sure.

(Johnny lights it for him.)

Johnny: You think you can get your amp ready by Saturday night?

Greg: Oh sure. (He coughs) I hope so.

Tommy: Then it’s a deal, you guys.

Greg: You guys play hard rock, right?

Tommy: Yeah, most of the time.

Phil: But we mix it up with a few slow ballads, you know.

Greg: Ah.

(He continues to cough as Jan and Cindy come by.)

Jan (to Cindy): She’s always trying to make a joke out of it when she goofs off. You know.

(They see Greg smoking and coughing.)

Cindy: Greg’s smoking.

(Jan and Cindy watch in disappointment as Greg continues smoking and coughing. The scene fades away.)

(The next scene has Cindy running into her room up to Jan.)

Cindy: She’s (Marcia) coming up the stairs!

Jan: Now Cindy, let me tell her.

(Marcia appears.)

Marcia: Hi.

Jan: Hi, Marcia. Can we talk about something important?

Cindy: Something real bad.

Jan (sternly): Cindy!

Cindy (defiantly): I didn’t even mention Greg.

Marcia: What about Greg?

Cindy: He was smoking.

Jan (upset): Cindy, that’s the last time I’ll ever trust you.

Marcia: Are you sure about Greg smoking?

Jan (nodding): Cindy and I saw him. He was standing in the park with three other boys, and he was smoking.

Marcia: You’re sure it didn’t just look like he was smoking?

Jan: No, he was smokig.

Cindy: With a real cigarette.

Marcia: What you’re telling m3e is very serious. Now tell me exactly what you saw.

Jan: Well, he was standing there, and he had a cigarette in his hand. And then he put it in his mouth.

Marcia: And then?

Cindy: And then he coughed a lot.

Marcia: He was smoking all right.

Jan: Should we tell Mom and Dad?

Cindy: Yeah, let’s go.

(She starts to run but Jan stops her.)

Marcia: Wait a minute, don’t either of you tell anyone. don’t say a thing until I figure out what we should do.

(Greg is in his room playing guitar and singing while Bobby and peter look in admiration.)

Greg (singing): Clowns never laughed before, beanstalks never grew, ponies never ran before till I met you. Boats never rowed before and artists never drew, snow never fell before till I met you. My dream came true, my dream came true, the world spins, my life begins ’cause I met you. Phones never rang before, wise men never knew, no one ever loved before till I met you.

(Carol is listening downstairs as Mike walks in.)

Mike: Hi, honey.

Carol: Shh, shh.

Mike: first a kiss and then a sh. (He kisses her and then hears Greg.) Hey, he’s got a pretty good voice.

Carol: Yeah, just shows that talent is inherited.

Mike: Hmm, must’ve gotten it from my side of the family.

Carol: Oh!

Mike: I’m going to go up and change.

(Suddenly, they hear a discordant sound of a guitar.)

Carol: Yep, that is your side of the family.

Mike: Sounds like he caught his fingers in the strings.

(Mike and Carol go up the stairs. Mike goes in the boys’ room to inspect the problem.)

Mike: Hey, what’s going on in here.

Greg: He’s been pestering me for an hour so I let him try it.

Bobby: And now I got my fingers caught between the strings.

Mike (loosening his tie): It sounds like it.

(Bobby’s hand finally gets free of the guitar.)

Bobby: Wow, I may never play again.

Greg: Hey Dad, can I speak to you for a minute?

Mike: Yeah, I guess so.

Greg (to Peter and Bobby): This is private, okay guys?

Peter: Okay.

Bobby: What do you mean private?

Greg: I mean you get out.

(He grabs his arm and pushes him out.)

Bobby: Come on, Greg, just a little while longer!

Mike: Good-bye.

(Peter and Bobby leave.)

Mike: Sounds important, is it?

Greg: Yes it is, you ever heard of the Banana Convention?

Mike: Banana Convention, is that the famous meeting in Panama in 18-whenever it was?

Greg: No, it’s a rock group.

Mike (sitting down and laughing): A rock group?

Greg: Yeah, some guys at school. They’re really heavy.

Mike: That doesn’t mean they’re overweight, I take it.

Greg: Right. They want me to play a gig with them Saturday night at Stephen Decatur High. Isn’t that a gas?

Mike: Yeah, that’s a gas. Listen, Greg, this gig, is it for the real thing, for money? For bread?

Greg: Well, we’ll get paid something, I don’t know how much.

Mike: Okay. As far as I’m concerned, it’s all right. I’ll have to check with your mother.

Greg: Great Dad, oh, by the way, can I have an advance on my allowance? I have to have a little work done on my amplifier.

Mike: Well, I guess I might extend you a loan in view of your future earnings.

Greg: Fine. Only…

Mike: Only what?

Greg: How much interest will I have to pay?

Mike: I’m your father, Greg. I’m not going to charge you interest.

Greg: I’m Peter’s brother and I charge him 25%.

Mike: 25%? that is against the law.

Greg: You know that and I know that, but until Peter finds out.

Mike: All right, well, I think with us it will be an interest free loan.

Greg: it’s a deal.

(The next scene has Marcia wandering into the kitchen.)

Alice: Dinner won’t be ready until the biscuits rise.

Marcia: I don’t think I’m very hungry.

Alice: Something on your mind?

Marcia: Uh-huh.

Alice: Can I help? Just girl to girl?

Marcia: Well, it’s not exactly my problem. I mena, well, it’s sort of my friend’s problem.

Alice: Oh, well, uh, those are the toughest kind to solve.

Marcia: This one’s a real beauty.

Alice: Why don’t you give me a hint. Maybe I could, you know, help this friend of yours.

Marcia: Well, this friend, she has a brother, and she’s sort of close to him.

Alice: So far, it’s not a problem.

Marcia: Well, she has it from an absolutely reliable source that her brother has done something wrong. Now, if she tells on him, is it, is it snitching?

Alice: Hmm, There’s a simple way to solve that.

Marcia: There is?

Alice: Yeah. if she tells, is she helping him out of trouble or into trouble.

Marcia: Oh out, definitely out.

Alice: Then my advice is to tell your friend it is not snitching.

Marcia: Oh, thanks, Alice.

(She kisses Alice on the cheek. the next scene has Marcia telling her parents in mike’s den.)

Mike: Honey, if it’s so important, just say it.

Marcia: Honest dad, I want to tell you only it’s not that easy.

Carol: Well, is it something you did?

Marcia: If it was that, I’d tell you in a second.

Mike: Well then, is it something someone else did?

Marcia: Yes, something that Greg did.

Mike: Oh I get it, you don’t want to squeal on your brother, right?

Marcia: Well if I tell, will you promise not to punish him?

Carol: Now Marcia, that wouldn’t be fair to Greg or to us.

Marcia: I guess not.

Mike: Look Marcia, we know you wouldn’t be here unless you thought he was making a very bad mistake or he was hurting someone.

Marcia: Himself, that’s who he was hurting.

Carol: Well, in that case, I definitely think you should tell us.

Marcia: This afternoon after school, Greg was smoking a cigarette. (Carol and Mike look upset) I knew I shouldn’t have told you.

Carol: Honey, listen, you did the right thing in telling us.

Marcia: If I’m so right, how come I feel so terrible?

(She leaves the den. The next scene has Carol and Mike talking to Greg about his misdeed.)

Mike: Is it true, Greg?

Greg: Yeah, I guess it is. But it was the first time I ever smoked. I only took a few puffs. I didn’t even like it.

Carol: That doesn’t make it any better.

Greg: I really didn’t even want the cigarette, I just wanted to go along and be one of the guys.

Mike: Listen, you can’t do something that you know is wrong just to go along with the guys, it’s stupid.

Greg: Yeah, it’s not a very good excuse.

Carol: I’m afraid it’s no excuse.

Mike: Well look, we don’t want you to smoke. Eventually you’ll have to make your own decision and I hope it’s the right one. But for now…

Greg: I’ve blown the chance to play at the dance and get that loan to fix my amp.

Mike: No, I gave you my word on that and I intend to keep it.

Greg: Well, I must have some punishment coming.

Carol: Look Greg, if you know what you did was wrong, I mean, that’s more important than any punishment we can think of.

Greg: I do, Mom, I really do.

Mike: Well, after all, when I was young, I smoked.

Carol: Yes honey, but we didn’t have all the evidence that we do now.

Greg: You’re right, Mom. I promise, no more smoking. I didn’t think about it, I guess I really did a dumb thing.

Mike: Well, we all do dumb things. I’ve done a lot of dumb things. (He starts to laugh) I really did.

Carol: Well, you won’t get an argument form me.

(Next, Carol is in the kitchen discussing the situation with Alice.)

Carol: Well, the trouble is Alice, until some things hit home, you just never do anything about them.

Alice: Ain’t it the truth?

Carol (getting on the phone): Mrs. Johnson has been after me for a month to join her anti-smoking committee. So, I guess now is good a time as any. Hello, Mrs. Johnson? This is Carol Brady. Listen, could you still use some help on that committee?

Mrs. Johnson: We certainly can. we still have a big smoking problem in high school.

Carol: Well you can count me in, when are your meetings?

Mrs. Johnson: Friday afternoons, but this Friday we had to cancel.

Carol: Oh.

Mrs. Johnson: It was going to be at Cynthia Heller’s house, but Cynthia came down with the flu.

Carol: Well, look, Mrs. Johnson, if you need a place to meet, why not my house?

Mrs. Johnson: Oh, that would be wonderful, I’ll… (Her son Tommy starts playing the drums in the background) Excuse me, just a second. Tommy, would you please wait until I’m off the phone! (getting back to Carol) I’m sorry, my son was practicing.

Carol: Oh, that’s okay, Greg told me he’s joining Tommy’s group. He says they’re far out and really heavy.

Mrs. Johnson: My son said they really know where they’re heads are at.

Carol: Well, right on, man. (She puts her thumb up) I’ll see you Friday.

Mrs. Johnson: Oh, maybe I should drop by and leave you some reading material and some pamphlets. Tomorrow afternoon okay?

Carol: Fine. Bye, now.

(She hangs up.)

Alice: Will tea and cakes be enough for your meeting?

Carol: Sure, Alice, that will be fine.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, those women on the anti-smoking committee. Tell them I’ll be watching.

Carol: Watching?

Alice: if I find one dirty ashtray…

(Carol laughs. Greg is upstairs in his room, listening to his song on the recorder. Marcia comes in to speak to him.)

Marcia: Greg.

Greg: Oh, hi.

Marcia: Can we talk?

Greg: Sure. (He turns the music off) Come on in. (she shuts the door an dlooks at him upset) is something wrong?

Marcia: I did a terrible thing.

Greg: Well, if you did it, it can’t be all that bad.

Marcia: You’d think it was just awful.

Greg: Well, no matter what I think, you can count on me to help.

Marcia: That only makes me feel worse! You see, this terrible thing I did, I did to you.

Greg: well, then, how come I don’t know about it?

Marcia: You know about it, all right. I snitched to the folks about your smoking.

Greg (upset): Thanks a lot, Marcia.

Marcia: You’ll probably never want to talk to me again.

(She starts to walk out of the room.)

Greg (getting up): hey, hey, hold it.

Marcia: Then you’re not mad?

Greg: Well, sure I’m mad. But not so much about the snitching. Why didn’t you come to me first?

Marcia: You just would have said to mind my own business.

Greg: Yep, that’s what I would’ve said, all right.

Marcia: I only did it because I thought it was for your own good.

Greg: I know.

Marcia: Did the folks punish you bad?

Greg: No, no, they didn’t punish me at all.

Marcia (surprised); they didn’t?

Greg: Well, don’t sound so disappointed.

Marcia: Boy, if I’d been in their place, I would’ve given it to you good.

Greg: I guess I was lucky I was born when I was.

Marcia: What do you mean?

Greg: Well, if I’d been born any later, you could’ve been my mother instead of my sister.

(Marcia laughs. Mrs. Johnson shows up to give Carol some anti-smoking magazines and pamphlets. There is one that says Smoking is very glamorous.)

Carol: Well, I’ll certainly read all these pamphlets, Mrs. Johnson.

Mrs. Johnson: And maybe you can help us think of a new campaign angle. Straight lectures really turn these kids off.

Carol: yeah, I’ll bet.

(As Mrs. Johnson is ready to leave, Greg comes home.)

Greg: Hi, mom.

Carol: Oh, hi, Greg.

Greg: Hi, Mrs. Johnson.

Mrs. Johnson: Hello Greg. have you by any chance seen my son?

Greg (taking his jacket off): Yeah, I left Tommy about 10 minutes ago. H said he was on his way home.

Mrs. Johnson: Oh good, I have to take him to the dentist.

Carol: oh, dear.

(They both laugh. Greg throws his jacket on a chair.)

Carol: Greg, the chair is to sit on and the jacket goes in the closet.

Greg: Right.

(Greg picks up his jacket to hang it up but a pack of cigarettes fall out.)

Carol (shocked): Greg.

(The scene fades. the next scene has Carol picking them up.)

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Carol: Well Greg?

Greg: Mom, they’re not mine.

Mrs. Johnson: They fell out of your pocket, Greg.

Greg: Yes ma’am.

Carol: Were you keeping them for someone else?

Greg: No.

Carol: Well then, how did they get there?

Greg: I don’t know. but they’re not mine. Honest, Mom.

Carol:All right Greg, if you say so.

Mrs. Johnson (astonished): Mrs. Brady, I can understand you wanting to believe your own son.

Carol: He said they weren’t his.

Mrs. Johnson: If parents refuse to open their eyes, you are doing what our committee is trying to prevent.

Carol: Mrs. Johnson, maybe, maybe I’m the wrong person for your committee.

Mrs. Johnson: You know I want to work with you. But if you cannot accept the fact that your own son…

Greg: Mrs. Johnson, I told you they’re not mine.

Carol: That’s what he said.

Mrs. Johnson: I’m sorry Mrs. Brady, I really am.

(Mrs. Johnson leaves. Carol and Greg go in the living room to discuss the situation.)

Greg: Do you really believe me, Mom?

Carol: Yes.

Greg: Because I’m your son or you think I’m telling the truth?

Carol: Because I think you’re telling the truth.

Greg: If I was in your place, I’m not sure I’d believe me.

Carol: Well, Greg, someday when you’re a parent, maybe you’ll see things differently.

Greg: I wonder if Dad will believe me.

(Greg is in Mike’s den.)

Mike: Yes, I believe you.

Greg: okay Dad, thanks.

(He starts to walk away. Mike gets up.)

Mike: Greg, wait a minute. Okay, what’s bugging you?

Greg: How those cigarettes got there.

Mike: Yeah, well, that isn’t all, is it?

Greg: Nope.

(He sits down.)

Mike: Well, we got a rule in this family, (Mike and Greg both) Lay it on the table. (Mike) That’s right.

Greg: All right, I get caught with something that look pretty bad, and neither you or Mom think I’m guilty.

Mike: Well, so.

Greg: So how can you be so sure?

Mike: Greg, from time to time you’ve done things I haven’t liked very much, but so far you haven’t lied to me.

Greg: No sir, I never have.

Mike: Well, I don’t see any reason to think this is the first time. I’ll admit I can’t quite figure out how that pack got in your pocket.

Greg: Neither can I. I’m going to prove you and Mom were right for trusting me. I’m going to find out how those cigarettes got there.

(The next day, Greg is coming home from school and Bobby stops to ask him a question.)

Bobby: Greg, Greg. Wait a miute. I think i got it all figured out, about the cigarettes.

Greg: Yeah?

Bobby: Do you have any enemies?

Greg: Enemies? Yeah, I guess so. Everybody’s got enemies.

Bobby: That’s it. They’re trying to rub you out.

Greg: Rub me out? Oh, come on, that’s dumb.

Bobby: I mean get you kicked off the basketball team.

Greg: I’m not on the basketball team!

Bobby: Oh.

(Greg goes inswide the house and follows. Next, he’s in the family room, still pondering over the cigarettes.)

Greg: There’s got to be an explanation. I’ve been thinking about this so hard my head is about to pop. There’s got to be an explanation how they got there.

(Cindy raises her hand.)

Greg: Yeah, Cindy?

Cindy: Maybe it was magic.

(Greg makes a disgusted look. That evening, the boys are in bed. Peter suddenly wakes up and turns the lamp on.)

Peter: I got it! I got it!

Greg: What?

Peter: The pack of cigarettes, did you loo inside?

Greg: No, why?

Peter: I bet it had a secret microfilm in it. (Greg groans and goes back to bed) They always have it in all the spy movies.

(Greg throws his pillow at him.)

Bobby: Now down to me, Pete.

(Peter throws the pillow at Bobby and he sleeps with two pillows. Greg goes to sleep without one.)

(The next day, Greg is in the kitchen with Alice. he is further discussing the matter.)

Greg: I just don’t get it. I’ll bet I was up half the night trying to figure out how those cigarettes got in my pocket.

Alice: Well if you ask me, you’re going about this the wrong way.

Greg: I am?

Alice: Yep, what you got to do is try to reconstruct the crime.

Greg: Yeah?

Alice: Yeah, it’s the only way. I watch a lot of television.

Greg: Okay, reconstruct the crime.

Alice: Okay, now, let’s start with the first thing you did that day.

Greg: I rode my bike to school.

Alice: Uh huh.

Greg: I put my jacket in my locker and went to all my classes.

Alice: Did you loan your locker key to anybody?

Greg: No.

Alice: Does anybody else have a key to your locker?

Greg: The boys’ vice-principal has a master key.

Alice: Well, we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. What did you do after school?

Greg: I went to practice with the group for the dance.

Alice: Ah, now we’re getting someplace.

Greg: Alice, there was no one there but the guys in the group. they wouldn’t do that to me.

Alice: So after practice you stopped at the malt shop, right.

Greg: Right.

Alice: Okay, you hung up your jacket, you got yourself a (Pause) Oh, forget that.

Greg: Huh?

Alice: You never hang up anything.

Greg (discouraged): It’s no use, Alice. All the evidence points to me, even if I’m not guilty.

Alice: Well, sometimes evidence just looks like real evidence when it’s really circumstantial. Or partially circumstantial and thereby being unsupported or hearsay.

Greg: What does that mean?

Alice: I don’t know but it saved some guy’s life last night on TV.

Greg: Thanks, anyway. I guess I’ll go to my room.

(He leaves his jacket on the chair.)

Alice: Hey, wait a minute. Hang up your jacket. (She checks it over) On second thought, don’t hang it up.

Greg: Why not?

Alice: It’s not your jacket.

Greg: What do you mean?

Alice: You ripped the lining on the handlebars last month. I remember, I sewed it up.

Greg: This one’s never been mended.

Alice: So whoever this jacket’s is, the cigarettes are his too.

Greg (pleased): Alice, you’re a genius.

Alice: Well, genius no, chief of detectives, maybe.

(The doorbell rings.)

Greg: Thanks, Alice, I’ll get it.

(Greg answers the door and it’s his friend Tommy.)

Tommy: Hi Greg.

Greg: Oh hi, come on in.

Tommy (pointing to his jacket): Oh, there it is. I got yours by mistake.

Greg: This one’s yours?

Tommy: Yeah, I found a test paper of yours in the pocket here, so I knew it was yours.

Greg: Guess what I found in yours.

Tommy: What’s that?

Greg: A pack of cigarettes.

Tommy: Oh, wow, I’m sure glad my Mom didn’t find out.

Greg: My Mom did.

Tommy: Well, listen, my Mom’s out in the car waiting for me. Let me have my jacket now and hey, we’ll straighten this out later.

Greg: No, we’ll straighten it out now. (He has Tommy come in the living room with him) Mom, Dad!

Tommy: Look, hey, all I want is my jacket.

Greg: Yeah, not until you tell my parents.

Tommy: Tell them what?

Greg: The cigarettes are yours and not mine.

(Mike and Carol come out.)

Carol: Oh, hi, Tommy.

Mike: Hello, Tommy. How are you?

Tommy: Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.

Greg (to Tommy): Well, tell them.

Mike: Tell us. Tell us what?

Tommy: The cigarettes weren’t Greg’s They’re mine.

Greg: Our jackets got mixed up.

Carol: Well, that explains a lot.

Tommy: Mr. and Mrs. brady, do we have to tell my mother about this?

Mike: Well, Tommy, what do you think?

Tommy: If you knew how mad she’d get, you’d try to think of something else.

Carol: Well, do you think that’s fair to Greg?

Tommy: No, but my mom can’t punish him.

Greg: I don’t want to get Tommy into trouble, couldn’t we just forget about it.

Mike: Do you think we should forget about it?

(Mrs. Johnson comes in.)

Mrs. Johnson: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. brady, I just came to see what was keeping Tommy so long. We’ve got to pick up Mr. Johnson at the airport.

Tommy: Just a minute, Mom.

Mrs. Johnson: Listen, if your father has to wait, he will be very upset.

Tommy: I’m afraid he’s going to be very upset anyway. The cigarettes were mine.

Mrs. Johnson: Cigarettes? what cigarettes?

Tommy: The ones you thought were Greg’s. See, we switched jackets by mistake.

Mrs. Johnson: Oh, I see. I certainly owe Greg an apology. I’m really very sorry.

Greg: Yes, ma’am.

Mike: Well, if I were waiting at a crowded airport…

Carol: Mrs. Johnson, how about next Friday.

Mrs. Johnson: yes, next Friday.

Tommy: Mom, can we talk about before we pick up Dad?

Mrs. Johnson: I expect we will talk about it before and after we pick up your father. Now, come along, tommy.

(She grabs his arm as they leave.)

Greg: Good luck, Tommy.

Tommy: Yeah, I’m sure gonna need it. See you.

(They leave.)

Greg (to the parents); I’m sure glad that’s over, I’m gonna go tell Marcia.

Carol: Not yet.

Greg: What’s wrong?

Mike: Looks like you’re back in trouble.

Greg: What did I do now?

(Carol points to his jacket, which he left on the couch.)

Carol: Hang it up.

(Greg picks it up and checks it again)

Mike: What’s wrong?

Greg: Oh nothing. I just wanted to make sure it was mine.

(The scene fades. The final scene has Greg coming home from the dance and talking to Mike and Carol. He knocks on their bedroom door.)

Mike: Come in.

Greg: I’m home.

Carol: Hi, honey. How did your group do at the dance tonight?

Greg: It was kind of a kicky blast. The guys really had it together and wailed and bent the gig out of shape. Good night.

Carol: Good night.

Mike: Got it all together and really wailed? (He starts laughing) How about that?

Carol: Really bent the gig out of shape. I wonder if that’s good or bad.

Mike: Beats me.

Carol: It’s funny, kids have  a language of their own.

Mike: Yeah, so do we.

Carol: We do?

Mike: Mmm hmm. I’ll show you. Ours?

Carol: Listen, I hear you talking and I dig what you’re saying, man.

      THE END

images problem solved

S2 E13 The Impractical Joker

untitled jokes

The Impractical Joker

Written by Burt Styler

Jan plays a practical joke that causes trouble for the family. Hope you enjoy the script.












(The episode begins in the kitchen, where the girls are having cookies and Carol helping. Alice comes out and is ready to leave.)

Alice (to Carol): The ironing’s all put away and I fixed the knees on Greg’s blue jeans.

Carol: Alice, your day off started hours ago.

Alice: Oh, it was easy, I just put a patch on the patch. (Carol helps Alice put her coat on) Well, now you’re all going to have to just struggle along without me until tomorrow.

Carol: Well, you be sure to give our best to your aunt.

Alice: I will.

(Carol notices an ink spot on Alice’s coat.)

Carol: Alice, what happened?

Alice: Oh no, my new coat. oh, it’s ruined.

Marcia: It’s ink!

(Jan starts to laugh.)

Carol: Well Jan, I don’t think this is anything to laugh about.

(Jan gets up to show Alice something.)

Jan: It’s only a plastic ink spot.

Alice (relieved): Oh, thank goodness.

Carol: Jan, you and your jokes.

Jan: Didn’t you think it was funny, Alice?

Alice: Oh, sure, sure, lucky I’ve got a strong heart. Good-bye, all.

Carol: Good-bye, Alice. have a nice day.

(Alice leaves.)

Marcia: Have a good time.

Jan: Bye.

Marcia: Honestly Jan, that shows how immature you are.

Jan: Oh, really.

(Marcia reaches for a cookie and screams.)

Carol: What is the matter?

Marcia: A spider! (Jan laughs) What’s so funny?

Jan: You are.

(She picks it up.)

Marcia: It’s fake.

Carol: Plastic.

Jan: That came in my box of jokes too.

Cindy: I wasn’t scared.

Jan: I’ll bet.

(She flings the spider to her and Cindy screams.)

Carol: Jan, Jan now stop that. (She sits down) Listen Jan, everybody likes a good gag, but some practical jokes just aren’t funny. One of these days you’re gonna cause someone trouble, real trouble.

(Jan smiles devilishly as the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Greg out back with the other boys, showing them a mouse.)

Peter: How come they let you bring them home?

Greg: He’s my science project. (He points to a maze) I have to teach him to run that maze by Monday.

Peter: What do you call him?

Greg: Muridae Mus Musculus

Bobby: He looks just like a mouse to me.

Greg: That’s his scientific name, dummy. His real name is Myron.

(Jan comes in.)

Jan: Can I hold Myron? Please Greg, just for a couple of minutes?

Greg (handing the mouse to Jan): Sure. Be careful.

Jan: Be right back. (She goes out to the kitchen, where Marcia and Cindy are sitting on the couch reading.)

Jan: Guess who Greg’s got helping him in science.

Marcia: Who?

Jan (putting the mouse in their faces): Myron!

(Marcia and Cindy scream. Carol runs down the stairs and goes to them.)

Carol: What’s the matter?

Cindy: Look.

Marcia: Jan’s up to her tricks again and this one’s alive!

Carol: Jan, this time you’ve gone too far. Now where did you get that, that, thing?

Greg (coming out): It’s not a thing, Mom. it’s a muridae mus musculus.

Cindy: It’s icky.

Marcia: We’re not gonna live with that in this house, Greg!

Cindy: No, get it out!

Marcia: Make him Mom.

Carol: Look Greg, I’m with them. You can’t keep your muriday m whatever thing around here. I’m sorry.

Jan: I like Myron.

Marcia: You’re weird.

(Greg put Myron back in his cage and set it on the floor. Tiger barks at it.)

Cindy: See, Tiger doesn’t like him either.

Marcia: Now, there’s an intelligent animal.

(Greg picks his cage up while Tiger sniffs the floor.)

Greg; Myron is harmless Mom, really.

Jan: And he’s cute.

Cindy: Ugly.

(Mike walks in.)

Marcia: Make him take it away mom, please.

Carol: Look Greg, I don’t want to seem unfair, even to mice, but…

Mike: What’s the trouble here.

Greg (pointing to Myron): It’s him. He’s my science project over the weekend and I have to train him.

Mike: Oh, and you girls are making a little fuss, is that it?

Carol: Not a little, a lot.

Mike: Well, that doesn’t seem very fair to Greg, does it?

Marcia: Well, what about us girls.

Mike: Well, it seems to me that I remember about 14 girls in this house for a slumber party, and that wasn’t easy on the boys.

Carol: That’s right, girls.

Mike: Mmm hmm. How about a compromise here. Let him keep his mouse and his project out in the garage.

Carol: The garage. (Pause) Well, that sounds like a pretty good idea. (She turns to Marcia and Cindy) What do you say girls? Is it a deal?

(Marcia and Cindy nod.)

Greg: Thanks.

(He and Jan walk away and head to the garage.)

Mike (to Carol): See how a little thing makes a boy happy?

Carol: Well, I wish the little thing didn’t have beady eyes and a long tail.

(The next scene has Mike and Greg in the garage, training Myron.)

Mike: Okay, Greg, stick in the cheese. (Greg does so) Yeah, now, you ready?

Greg: Just a minute.

Mike: Okay. Get him set so he knows which way to go, and, they’re at the gate. Go.

Greg: Go Myron! Come on Myron.

Greg: Go fella.

Mike: Wait a second. (He starts blowing for Myron to go faster)

Greg: Go Myron, go fella.

Mike: Go on, Myron. Go. You can do it. Come on, there’s the door. No, take a left.

Greg: Ah, he’s not doing so well. I wonder if it’s because he’s not so intelligent.

Mike: Greg, I think it’s because he’s not too hungry.

Greg: Tomorrow I won’t let Peter and Bobby feed him so much. maybe we’ll have more luck.

Mike (taking his whistle off his neck): Oh, I won’t be able to help him tomorrow. I’ve got to go to one of those Saturday breakfast meetings.

Jan (coming out): I’ll help you, Greg.

Greg: Okay.

Mike: Listen, don’t forget to turn out the lights.

Greg: Gotcha. Good night, Dad.

Jan: I think it’s mean of Marcia and Cindy to make you keep him out here all night.

Greg: That’s okay, Jan. He’ll be perfectly safe out here. Let’s go

(He puts Myron back in his cage and puts a rag over it. He sets the cage on a shelf in the garage as he and Jan turn the lights out and leave.)

Jan: Good night, Myron.

Greg: Good night, Myron.

(That night, the boys are asleep in their room but Greg wakes up and turns the light on. He calls to Peter and Bobby.)

Greg: Hey!

(Peter and Bobby wake up.)

Bobby: What’s the matter?

Peter: It’s the middle of the night.

Greg; I just remembered the neighbor’s cat, Guinevere.

Peter: Hey, yeah.

Greg: And Myron’s out in the garage. She can get to him.

Peter: And that’s her favorite meal.

Bobby: Myron’s a goner.

(They all get out of bed and put on their slippers and robes. Greg grabs a flashlight from the drawer and they head out to the garage. Jan sees this through her bedroom window. Greg turns the flashlight on and sees Myron in his cage.)

Greg: He’s okay.

Bobby: Yeah, okay.

Greg: Don’t worry, Myron, we’ll take you right up to our room.

Peter: But Dad says you have to keep him out of the house.

Greg: He didn’t mean to leave him out here to be eaten, huh?

Peter: I guess not.

Greg: Okay. (Pause) I’m sure not going to get him up in the middle of the night just to remind him of Guinevere.

Bobby: Me neither.

Greg: We’ll just keep Myron in our room tonight, and take him out in the morning, before anybody wakes up.

Peter: Sure, Myron will be safe then because we’ll be with him.

Bobby: You guys think of everything.

(Jan is still watching from the upstairs window.)

Greg: Just don’t make any noise and wake anybody up.

(They take Myron and go inside and up the stairs to their room. Jan sneaks in their room and takes Myron out of his cage. She then returns to her room and drops Myron in a hamper, then goes back to bed. Myron, however, gnaws a hole in the bottom of the hamper and gets away. The scene fades out.)

untitled myron

(The next day, Greg wakes up and finds Myron missing from his cage.)

Greg: Hey!

(Peter and Bobby wake up.)

Peter: What’s the matter?

Greg: Myron’s gone!

Peter: Are you kidding? (He and Bobby get out of bed to check) Gee, he is.

Greg: How could he have gotten out of there?

Bobby: Maybe we watched how you opened the cage.

(Greg and Peter give him a stupid look.)

Greg: We’ve got to find him before Mom and Dad find out. Suit up, quick.

Peter: Yeah, suit up, quick.

(The guys next go out in the hallway fully clothed, looking for Myron.)

Bobby: I bet Tom Tannenbaum could find him.

Peter: Who’s Tom Tannenbaum. (Note: Thomas D. Tannenbaum was one of the show’s producers.)

Bobby: He’s in my class. He always wins when we have Easter egg hunts.

Jan (coming by): What are you looking for?

Greg (to the guys): I don’t think it’s up here. let’s look downstairs.

Bobby: Yeah. Maybe he’s downstairs.

Peter: It’s downstairs.

Bobby: Yeah, it’s.

(Greg grabs Bobby’s arm and they go down the stairs with Peter. Jan laughs to herself.)

(Meanwhile, Mike and Carol are  in their room getting dressed as we see Myron, seeking refuge in the closet and on top of one of Carol’s shoes.)

Mike (sarcastically): Well, if there’s one thing I love, it’s giving up a dreary Saturday morning golf game for an invigorating business meeting.

Carol: Well, I promised Marge I’d go downtown and do some shopping with her. There’s a sale. (She grabs the shoe that Myron was on top of, but he moves. She turns to Mike.) How do you think these go with my outfit?

(Myron is on the other shoe.)

Mike: Well…

Carol: Oh, they don’t. (She puts it back but Myron moves out of the way) Well. (She takes out another pair) How about these? Think They’re better?

Mike: Well…

Carol: Oh, but I don’t think they go with this bag. (She goes back to the closet) Let me see. (She takes another purse out, unaware Myron is behind it. then she takes the one next to it, then looks in the mirror.) No, I think the straw one would go better, don’t you?

Mike: Well…

Carol: You’re absolutely right. (Myron runs across the room but is missed by Carol and Mike.) Oh, but then I’ll have to change my belt. (They miss Myron again.) No, I think I’ll just use this one, huh?

(The next scene has Mike down in the kitchen and Alice comes home.)

Alice: Oh, hi.

Mike: Hey, hi, Alice.

Alice: Where’s Mrs. Brady?

Mike: Oh, there’s a big sale on downtown. What else would get her out of the house at this hour of the morning? Hey, did you enjoy your day off?

Alice: Well, I took my aunt to the dentist, and then to the hospital to visit her next door neighbor, then we went home and played mahjong until 10:00, and then we went to bed. It may not have been exciting, but on the other hand, it sure was dull.

Mike: You didn’t miss anything exciting around here either. (He takes one last sip of his coffee, then walks away) I’ll see you later, Alice.

Alice: Bye, Mr. Brady.

(Mike is about to put his jacket on in the living room when he sees the boys, looking for Myron.)

Mike: What’s up, fellows.

Greg: Dad!

Peter: Gee, Dad, where are you going so early?

Bobby: Yeah, it’s awful early.

Mike: I have a breakfast meeting and what are you looking for?

Greg: Looking for?

Peter: Us?

Greg (to Peter): Were we looking for something?

(Peter and Bobby shrug.)

Mike: Okay fellas, look, if it’s private and you’d rather not talk about it, just say Dad, there is something we would rather not talk about.

(The boys repeat that in unison, only Bobby says it a little slower.)

Mike: Okay.

Greg: Wait a minute, Dad. The truth is we’re looking for Myron.

Mike: Myron?

Greg: My mouse.

Mike: I know that. What would he be doing in here?

Peter: That’s what we’re trying to figure out.

Bobby: Yeah, he got away.

Mike: Why are you looking for Myron in the house?

Greg: Good question.

Mike: Yes, I thought so. What’s a good answer?

Greg (sheepishly): I brought him inside last night.

Mike (sternly): Greg, you did that after what you were told?

Peter: We only wanted to save him from Guinevere, the neighbor’s cat.

Greg: And we were gonna take him right out this morning, honest.

Peter: And we didn’t want to wake you up in the middle of the night to ask you?

Bobby: Wasn’t that nice of us?

Mike: Okay, okay, I guess I get the picture. Where was Myron when you last saw him?

Peter: In his cage in our room when we went back to sleep. The cage is still there.

Bobby: But Myron isn’t.

Mike: You guy had better find Myron before your mother gets home, and that’s an order.

Greg: I hope we can, dad.

Mike: You better. I got to go.

(He turns around and leaves.)

Greg: So long.

Peter: Yeah.

(The guys stay behind.)

Greg: We searched upstairs, and we searched downstairs.

Peter: The attic! Sometimes mice go up there!

Bobby: That’s where I’d go if I were a mouse.

Greg: Okay, let’s look.

(They go upstairs to search as we move on to the next scene. Alice is in the kitchen making a cake when she encounters Myron. She gets frightened and climbs up on a chair. The girls hear her scream and run to her.)

Marcia: What’s the matter?

Jan: What happened, Alice?

Alice: Oh, oh, it’s nothing. I was getting a clean spot up here on the ceiling and I almost slipped.

Cindy: Golly, she even cleans ceilings.

Alice: Well, we got to keep things tidy around here.

Marcia: You better be careful.

(She and the girls walk away. Alice walks over the chairs to the phone, where she calls the exterminator.)

Alice (on the phone): Zap-it exterminator company? This is the Brady residence. You did a termite inspection for us a while back and now we’ve got another problem. Mice. Do you suppose you could have somebody come out here in the next hour? We got a household full of children and women that are scared to death of mice, particularly the one that is talking to you. Oh, thank you. I’ll be waiting. Sitting right up here. (The counter between the kitchen and the family room.)

(The next scene has the exterminator coming from Alice’s room.)

Exterminator: Well, that’s it, ma’am.

Alice: That’s all you have to do, squirt under the house?

Exterminator: This is powerful stuff.

(The boys come down the stairs, lamenting they hadn’t found Myron yet.)

Greg: He’s gotta be someplace.

Peter: Gee, if he’s not in the house, or in the attic…

Greg: Maybe he’s under it.

Bobby: Yeah, under it.

(The boys rush to look.)

Alice: My compliments to the Zap-it Exterminator Company, you sure came fast.

Exterminator: We know how you ladies feel about these things. Bye, now. (The boys come out to the kitchen) Bye, boys.

Alice (to the boys): Hey, how about some milk.

Greg (to the exterminator): Bye. (He turns to Alice) Alice.

Alice: Hmm.

Greg: What was that exterminator doing here?

Alice: I just thought I’d have him spray. You never know what’s under a house.

Greg (upset): Under a house?

Alice: Well now, don’t get upset. It’s nothing terrible, just mice.

Greg: Mice?

Alice: Well, mouse, but I’m sure he had friends.

Greg: What did it look like?

Alice: If you insist on the repulsive details, it was white, about that long, and about thta thick.

Peter and Bobby: Myron.

Greg: Myron.

Alice: Myron?

Greg: He was my science project and his name was Myron.

Alice: His name was Myron? (Greg nods) I’m a murderess.

(The guys walk away, leaving Alice to feel plenty guilty. Jan sees them and fesses up to what she did. The guys are sulking at the bottom of the staircase.)

Jan: Greg, I think you’re going to be mad at me for what I’m going to say, but it will make you very happy.

Greg: What do you mean?

Jan: Myron wasn’t exterminated. He’s in a hamper upstairs in my room.

Greg: He is? Who put him up there?

Jan: I did. Come on, I’ll show you.

Peter: Oh boy, let’s get him.

(They run upstairs excitedly to the girls’ room.)

Jan: I took him out of his cage in your room last night just to play a joke.

Greg (impatiently): Okay, okay, let’s see Myron.

Jan (opening the hamper): Okay, he’s right here where I…

Peter: All I see is a big hole.

Bobby: Me too.

Jan: Oh no, he must have gnawed his way out.

(The boys get upset and Jan starts to feel bad.)

(The next scene has Carol coming home, seeing the boys in the living room moping over Myron.)

Carol: Well, I haven’t seen such sad faces since the last day of summer vacation. What’s the matter?

Greg (glumly): Myron’s gone.

Carol: What happened?

Peter: He’s been exterminated.

Bobby: Rubbed out.

Carol: Greg, I’m sorry. When did it happen?

Greg: it doesn’t matter now.

(Tiger starts howling and whimpering.)

Peter: Even Tiger’s sad about it.

Carol: I’m really sorry.

(Carol sets down a few things she bought on the table and walks to the kitchen. Tiger continues to howl and Carol sees a dejected Alice.)

Carol: Hello, Alice.

Alice: Hello, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Myron? What happened?

Alice: Well, I did it to him. I had no idea he was Greg’s science project and I called the exterminator. I saw that little pink nose twitching at me and I panicked.

Carol: Oh no.

Alice: Oh yes.

(Next, Carol goes into the family room, where the girls are equally upset.)

Carol: I heard about Myron.

(Jan goes up to her crying.)

Jan (in tears): Oh mom, it’s all my fault. I was playing one of those dumb jokes. That’s how Myron got away, and now…

Carol: Oh, honey.

Jan: I’ll never do it again. I’ll never play another joke as long as I live.

Carol: Oh, we know you didn’t mean it.

(She hugs Jan to console her as Greg and Mike walk in.)

Mike: Hi.

Carol: We’re in mourning.

Mike: Yeah, Greg told me.

(Tiger starts howling and whimpering some more.)

Carol: now what’s the matter with Tiger?

(He keeps howling.)

Mike: Something’s bothering him all right.

(Mike, Carol, Greg and the girls all go outside to see what’s causing Tiger to howl.)

Carol: Well we all miss Myron but it’s hard to believe Tiger’s this upset.

Greg: Tiger was scared of Myron.

(Tiger turns to his doghouse and Mike looks inside.)

Mike: Aha! I think it’s mutual.

Greg: What do you mean, dad?

Mike: Take a look.

(Greg goes inside the doghouse and finds his rodent friend.)

Greg: Oh, it’s Myron! (Greg takes him out and the girls, for unexplained reasons, start musing over it) He was too smart for the exterminator.

Jan: May I hold him Greg, please?

Greg: Well, okay, if you promise not to drop him in any more clothes hampers.

(The girls continue gushing over Myron.)

Mike: Looks like the girls have had a change of heart about Myron.

Carol: Well, why not. I mean, have you ever seen anything as gorgeous as this (her voice starts to tremble) little guy with the beady eyes and the long tail. Greg, quick.

(Greg takes Myron from Carol and the scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Carol and Jan peeling bananas in the kitchen.)

Jan: It’s sure a lot easier to peel a banana than it is a potato.

Carol: You’re right. You know, one of these nights we might even try French fried bananas.

Alice: Have you two got any more towels for the laundry?

(Carol notices Alice’s uniform.)

Carol: Alice, your uniform, you got an ink stain on the pocket.

Alice (to Jan): Oh, you just couldn’t resist playing one more trick, could you?

Jan: Alice, I didn’t…

Alice: That looks really real, but you can’t fool me. I know how to take care of ink spots like this. (She tries pulling it off but rips her uniform, finding a pen inside the pocket) Like you said, Mrs. Brady, there’s an ink spot on my uniform.

(She leave.)

Jan (to Carol): She thought I did it.

Carol (laughing): Yeah, I know.

(They continue peeling.)

                                 THE END

S2 E12 Confessions, Confessions

untitled mom's favorite vase

Confessions, Confessions

Written by Brad Radnitz

Peter breaks Carol’s favorite vase just as he’s due for a weekend camping trip. The other kids take the rap for him but causes him to get the guilts. Hope you enjoy the script.












(The episode begins in the boys’ room, where Peter is getting ready for his upcoming camping trip. Greg and Bobby come in with their basketball.)

Peter: Hi, you guys. I’m packing my stuff.

Greg: What’s all this stuff doing out? You aren’t going camping till Saturday.

Peter: I know, but I want to make sure I don’t forget anything. Not that time.

Bobby: What’s so special about this time?

Peter: Well, it’s my first overnight camp-out with just the guys.

(Peter passes the ball to Greg.)

Greg: Come on you guys, let’s play free throws in the wastebasket.

(He throws the ball to the garbage can but knocks it down.)

Bobby: We better not. Mom will get mad.

Greg: No she won’t, nobody’s home. (to Bobby) Set it up again.

(Bobby sets it back up and Greg makes another throws. Peter grabs it.)

Peter: Pete Brady intercepts and goes for a shot.

(He throws the ball but misses. It bounces out to the hallway and to the stairs. It goes down the stairs and breaks a vase into three pieces. The guys come out after it.)

Peter: Oh, no!

Greg: Mom’s favorite vase.

Bobby: She always says don’t play ball in the house. (Note: Carol was never known to actually say this. Perhaps she mentioned it off-camera)

Peter: I’ll be grounded. there goes my camping trip.

(The scene fades. The next scene has the boys coming down the stairs.)

Peter: Boy, I can just hear Mom and Dad now. I’m going to get it for sure.

Bobby: Good-bye, camping trip.

Greg: Wait a minute, maybe not.

Peter: What do you mean?

(They get to the bottom of the staircase.)

Greg: You’ve got to tell Mom and Dad in order to face up to this, right?

Peter: Yeah, so?

Greg: So, suppose you don’t tell them right away. Suppose you wait till after this weekend to tell them.

Peter: I’ll still be punished, but I’ll get to go on my camping trip.

Greg: Right.

Bobby: Well, they’ll see that’s it’s broken.

Greg: Not if we glue it together. Look, there are only three pieces.

Bobby: Neat-o!

Peter: That’s a great idea! You guys are sure swell brothers!

Greg: Oh, but remember we have to keep this thing a secret till after this weekend.

Marcia (from the top of the stairs): I won’t tell anybody, I’m very good at keeping secrets. Ask anybody.

Greg (fuming): I guess it will have to be all right.

Bobby: As long as she doesn’t say anything.

Jan (coming out with Cindy): About what?

Cindy: Look, Greg broke Mommy’s favorite vase!

Greg: I didn’t break it.

Peter: I did.

Bobby: But he’s not telling till later.

Marcia: Till after he comes back form his camping trip. Until then, it’s a secret.

(They go down the stairs and join the guys.)

Greg: Come on you guys, help me put this thing back together again. If one more Brady finds out, it won’t be a secret anymore.

(Later on, Mike comes home with flowers.)

Mike (calling): Carol!

(Cindy sees him and runs inside to tell Marcia and Jan.)

Cindy: Daddy’s home with some flowers!

Marcia: Oh no!

Jan: What if he wants this vase?

Mike: Carol! Where is everybody?

Alice: Oh, hi Mr. Brady, I didn’t hear you out back. Oh, beautiful flowers.

Mike: Yeah, where did everybody go?

Alice: Well, Mrs. Brady is out picking up a few things, including a new potato peeler for our special treat tonight, potatoes ala Alice.

Mike: Mmm.

Marcia (from upstairs): Come on, I’ve got an idea.

(She and Jan leave the room.)

Jan: You stay here Cindy and guard those pieces.

Cindy: Okay.

(Cut back to downstairs)

Alice: The boys are out playing.

Mike: Well, that accounts for half the silence. What about the rest of them?

Alice: Well, the girls are, (Marcia and Jan come downstairs) here come two of the thundering herd now. (she walks away.)

Mike: Every man for himself.

Marcia and Jan: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hi.

(They give him a big hug.)

Marcia: Oh!

Mike: Whoa!

Marcia: Oh, they’re beautiful flowers.

(They smell them.)

Mike: That’s quite a greeting. These, however, are for your mother.

Marcia: We know just the vase for them.

Jan: We’ll put them right in it.

Mike: Okay, be careful. thank you.

(They take off with the flowers and head toward the kitchen. Mike goes upstairs.)

(The next scene has the boys at the drugstore, buying glue to put the vase back together.)

Clerk: This is the best glue we got, kids.

Peter: Is it good for vases?

Clerk: Is it good for vases? Does it say on there it’s good for vases?

Peter (looking on the tube) Yeah.

Clerk: Then it’s good for vases.

Greg: Will it be invisible, mister?

Clerk: Will it be invisible, mister? Does it say on there it’s invisible?

Peter (checking it out): No.

Clerk: Then it’s not invisible.

Bobby: We need something that’s invisible.

Clerk: This is as close as you can get. Believe me, you’ve got to squint to see it.

Peter: Okay, we’ll take it.

(He hands the clerk money.)

Clerk: They’ll take it.

(Carol comes by and sees them.)

Carol: Hello, boys.

Peter: Mom!

Bobby: Oh, no!

(Peter shushes him.)

Greg: Hi, Mom.

Carol: I thought you guys went out to play ball.

Greg: Well, not exactly, we…

Peter: We came to buy something.

Bobby: Yeah, candy.

Greg: Well, actually, it’s a…

Peter: It’s a corn popper.

Greg: That’s right, for popping corn.

Peter: I figured I’d take it with me on my camping trip.

Clerk (coming up to them): Gentlemen, here’s your change. Thank you for your patronage and come again.

(Carol tests the glue that came in a paper bag.)

Carol: That, uh, looks awfully small to be a corn popper.

Peter: It only pops a few corns at a time.

(Bobby nods and smiles.)

Carol: How ingenious. (She gets suspicious) Come on fellows, what’s up?

Peter: Nothing, Mom.

Bobby: Yeah, nothing at all.

Greg: Nothing at all.

Carol: Well, if you say so.

Greg: Well, we got to get going. We’ll see you at the house.

Carol: Well, why don’t you wait a second and I’ll take you. I only got one more stop after here.

Peter: That’s okay. We need the exercise.

Bobby: We’d rather walk.

Greg: Or jog. Jogging’s real good for you.

(The guys start jogging out to Carol’s surprise. Next, they’re at home with the girls gluing the vase back together, while Bobby and Cindy are outside standing guard.)

Marcia (to Jan): Wet rag. (She hands her the wet rag and Marcia wets the vase) Dry rag.

(Bobby goes back to join Cindy from seeing what is happening downstairs.)

Bobby: All clear. Dad’s still reading and Mom hasn’t got back yet.

Cindy: What about Alice?

Bobby: I think she’s in the kitchen trying to mush up potatoes with an egg beater.

(Cut back to the girls’ room.)

Marcia: There, that should do it.

Jan: How long will it take to dry?

Greg: Uh, I don’t know. (He picks up the glue tube to check) it says ( he gets dismayed) 2 to 4 hours.

Peter: We better put it back and let it dry.

Greg: Okay.

(Downstairs, Alice is making dinner as Carol comes in from the store.)

Carol: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Um, hi, potato peeler?

Carol: Oh yes.

Alice: Thank you, I’m running out of fingers to nick.

Carol (noticing the flowers): Oh, those are pretty flowers. Are they for you or for me?

Alice: Well, since your husband brought them, I think I’d better say they’re for you.

(Carol laughs. The next scene has Carol and Mike joining the kids at the dinner table. He notices the girls staring at the vase they put the flowers in.)

Mike: What are you staring at?

Marcia: Uh, the flowers are so pretty.

Jan: Oh, aren’t they beautiful?

Bobby: Yeah, they sure smell great in that vase.

Carol: Well, I think they should use a larger vase. This one looks like it’s going to tip over. That one on the chest there would be just right.

Peter (getting up): Mom, don’t you think it would be nice if we did something else with the flowers?

Carol: Like what?

Jan: Why don’t we replant them.

Bobby: Yeah, they might smell better in the garden.

Cindy: Yeah, that’s a great idea.

Carol: Now, you know you can’t replant cut flowers.  (Mike smiles) Boy, I wish you’d all been this interested in gardening when I was doing the weeding.

Greg (getting up): Wait a minute, Mom. I’ll get the vase for you.

Peter: I’ll help. I’m great at arranging flowers.

Carol (disbelieving): you? Since when?

Peter: I hardly ever get a chance.

Mike: Say, would you hurry up before dinner gets cold?

Carol: Yeah, and put an aspirin in the water.

Greg: Water?

Peter: In the vase?

Carol: Well, of course! You’ve got to put flowers in water.

(Greg and Peter head out to the kitchen, where they cautiously fill the vase with water.)

Peter: It doesn’t leak.

Greg: Great, put the flowers in.

(Peter puts them in and they bring it to the table.)

(Next, the family is having dinner but the kids are too busy staring at the vase to eat. Carol and Mike notice.)

Carol: Will you kids stop daydreaming? Why aren’t you eating?

Jan: It’s just that everything is so good we want to make it last.

Mike: Well, there’s plenty here for seconds. Come on, dig in.

(The kids start to eat a little but it’s not long before the vase starts to crack and water leaks out. Peter starts eating faster while Greg puts his finger over it. Carol notices.)

Carol (getting up): Mike! (Mike takes notice) Alice, help! (Mike gets up to pick up the vase) Alice, oh, dear. What in the w…

Alice (coming in); Anybody got three coins for the fountain?

Carol: Alice, get a towel, would you please?

(The kids start eating their food normally and pretend not to notice.)

Mike: You know, I don’t recollect this vase having any cracks in it when your mother bought it!

Carol: Obviously, it’s been broken and glued back together again.

Mike: The question is, who broke it and who glued it together?

(The kids continue eating as if to avoid the question.)

Mike: Your mother and I expect an answer, after dinner.

(The next scene has Greg coming up to Carol.)

Greg: Mom.

Carol: Yes, Greg?

Greg: I got something to tell you. I should have told you right away. I knew it was your favorite. I broke the vase, I’m sorry.

(Next, Marcia confesses the misdeed to Mike, along with the other kids after.)

Marcia: I was skipping rope in the living room. I know I’m not supposed to, and that’s how I broke the vase. I’m sorry.

Bobby (to Carol): I know I’m not supposed to play ball in the house, Mom. But I did it.

Jan (to Mike): I’m sorry, Dad. I’m the one.

Cindy (to Carol): I did it, Mother.

(After all these confessions, Carol goes to Mike in his den.)

Carol: Mike.

Mike: Hmm.

Carol: Do you want to know something peculiar about that vase?

Mike: Yeah, you broke it?

Carol: Me?

Mike: Seems to be the trend.

(They laugh as the scene fades out.)

untitled don't play ball

(The next scene has Carol and Mike further discussing the situation.)

Mike: Greg, Marcia, Jan, Bobby and Cindy. That’s five suspects, five confessions.

Carol: You know what I think, Mike?

(There’s a knock on the door and Mike gets up to answer it. It’s alice.)

Alice: Excuse me, can I interrupt you folks for just a second?

Mike: Sure, Alice.

(She enters the den and Mike shuts the door behind him.)

Alice: I really should’ve said something sooner, I guess. I was kinda hoping I could replace it, but, you see, I broke the vase.

Mike: You?

Alice: Yeah, clumsy me. I’ve got ten thumbs on each hand.

Mike: Now, come on, Alice. You didn’t break that vase.

Alice (impatiently): Yes, I did, I was reaching for that high shelf, you know, the one that’s always too high for me and I kind of knocked it off.

Carol (disbelieving): Alice, the vase was on the cabinet next to the living room stairs.

Alice: Right. I was moving the vase to that high shelf so it wouldn’t get broken. That’s when I broke it.

Carol: Well, it’s awfully nice of you to own up to it, Alice.

Alice: Well, I know it was something kinda special to you and I didn’t want you to blame the kids.

Mike: Sorry Alice, no dice.

Alice: Well, would you believe…

Mike: Uh uh, it’s nice of you to try to protect the kids.

Carol; Yeah, thanks anyway, Alice.

Alice: Okay, but I’ll go to my grave believing I was guilty. (She bumps into a lamp as she leaves) See?

(She leaves the den and Mike and Carol continue the discussion.)

Mike: Well, we still have five suspects and five confessions.

Carol: Correction, six suspects. and number six is looking forward to an overnight camping trip this Saturday.

Mike (mocking a British accent):By Jove, Holmes, you’ve deduced that young Peter Brady did it.

Carol (also with a British tongue): Elementary, my dear Watson, the five who confessed are covering up for the sixth who didn’t.

Mike: Right, and if Peter is guilty, then the other kids are accessories to the crime.

Carol: Well, what are we gonna do about it, Mike?

Mike: Well, why don’t we play along with their little game and punish everybody who confessed.

Carol (astonished): What, and allow Peter to get away with it?

Mike: Honey, Peter’s not going to get away with it, his conscience won’t let him.

(The next scene has all the kids in the family room in their pajamas, preparing for bed. Peter comes in with a glass of milk.)

Peter: Does anybody know why Dad called this meeting?

Marcia: I do. He’s gonna tell everybody I broke the vase. I confessed.

Greg: Oh, no.

Marcia: Well somebody had to take the blame.

Greg: I told Mom I did it.

Bobby: Me too.

Jan: Thud. (She lays back on the couch)

Bobby: You too?

Cindy: I guess we all confessed.

Peter: I didn’t.

Greg: You didn’t.

Peter (angry): I wanted to in the first place, but yo guys drained up this whole thing!

Marcia: Peter’s right. We’re as much to blame for this as he is.

Jan (hearing the parents come in): Shh, here they come.

Cindy: I think we’re all gonna get it now.

(Carol and Mike walk in.)

Mike (to the kids): Yes, well, one of you broke your mother’s vase, but five of you claimed you did it.

Carol: There seems to be a slight communication gap in this family.

Mike: Look, no matter who broke it, the others of you who confessed are just as guilty for hiding the truth, and I’m afraid you’re all gonna have to be punished.

Jan: But when people admit their guilt, aren’t they supposed to get a lighter sentence?

Mike: Well, that’s not up to me, Jan.

Greg: What do you mean, Dad?

Mike: In this case, your punishments are not going to be decided by your mother or by me.

Carol: They will be decided by a jury of one, your brother, Peter.

(Peter looks surprised.)

Greg: Peter?

Cindy: How come?

Mike: Well, see now, he’s the only one who didn’t confess. Doesn’t that seem fairly obvious that he alone is innocent

Peter: I, I don’t think I’d make a very good jury.

Mike: Well, we’ll be the judges of that.

Carol: Now Peter, you tell us what you think your brothers and sisters should get for punishments , and if it sounds reasonable, your word will be law.

Peter: I’m not really old enough to make laws.

Carol: You can start with your sisters.

(Peter pauses for a few minutes.)

Peter: Wait, Mom. Would it be all right if I thought about it for a while?

Mike: You want to sleep on it, son?

Peter: Yes, please.

Mike: Okay. You can make your recommendations in the morning. (to the others) In the meantime this court is recessed till old 800 tomorrow, scat.

(The kids all get up and go upstairs to their rooms.)

Carol: Good night.

(She slaps Jan’s behind as she walks by. Next, Peter is in his room with Greg and Bobby.)

Peter (morosely, to Bobby): I can’t do it, I can’t hand out punishments.

Bobby: Why not?

Peter: Because it’s not fair, I’m the guy who busted the vase.

Greg: Look, you kept it a secret this far, so forget about it till you come back from your camping trip.

Bobby: Yeah, then you can blab all your life.

Peter: Don’t you want to go camping?

Peter: Do I, real bad. But what’s gonna happen to you guys?

Greg: It’s up to you.

Bobby: Why don’t you ask Mom and Dad to give us time off for good behavior.

Greg: All you have to do is make the punishments easy.

Peter: Like what?

Greg: I don’t know.

Bobby: Me neither, it’s kind of hard to punish myself.

Peter: Hey, that’s it! You guys can think up your own punishments.

(The next morning, Peter is brushing his teeth while Jan gives him the punishment she requests for herself.)

Peter: Are you sure?

Jan: Yeah, I’ll help Mom all day long in the kitchen next time she makes cookies.

Peter: Okay, who’s next.

Jan: Marcia.

Peter:  Send her in.

Jan: Okay.

(She leaves and Marcia comes in.)

Marcia: I’ve got a great punishment for myself.

Peter: Okay.

Marcia: I’ll take Bobby to the amusement park.

((Next, Peter is downstairs giving the punishments to Mike and Carol.)

Mike: Taking care of Bobby at an amusement park?

(He and Carol look at Peter with suspicion.)

Peter: Kids can be a lot of trouble at his age.

Mike: Yeah, well, going to an amusement park and helping your mother make cookies. Don’t you think those punishments are a little bit lenient?

Carol: Peter, your brothers and sisters have done something wrong. We’re trying to discourage them from doing it again.

Mike: I don’t think Greg’s going to get the message if you sentence him to a Saturday matinee with Cynthia. I mean…

Peter: No, I guess not.

Carol: Well if I were you, I’d ground him from playing ball next Saturday.

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: Have him spend the day taking the screens down.

Peter (upset): I told you I’d make a terrible jury.

Carol: Peter, I think you’re going easy because they’re your brothers and sisters.

Mike: Why don’t you give it some more thought, and this time, let the punishment fit the crime.

Peter: Yeah, okay. (He starts to walk off) I’ve got a lot of thinking to do.

Carol: Mike, I think his conscience is getting to him.

Mike: Yeah, if I know Peter, he’ll be ready to admit it by morning.

(Upstairs, the boys are getting ready to leave for school.)

Greg: Come on, Peter, you’ll be late for school.

Peter: Greg.

Greg: What is it?

Peter: This Saturday you’ve got to take off all the window screens.

Greg: Huh?

Peter: They got to be washed and stored in the cellar. Bobby will help you.

Bobby: What do you got to wash screens for? The water goes right through.

Greg: That’s not the punishment we gave ourselves.

Peter: I know, but Mom and Dad didn’t like your ideas so I had to get new ones for you and the girls too.

Greg: But I’ll miss the ball game Saturday.

Peter: I know, I’m sorry. (He starts to get angry) Look, I didn’t want to give out punishments. I wanted to confess. But you guys kept on saying ‘no, go camping”. And now that you talked me into it, you’re mad at me.

Greg: I guess we did start it, and we’re not quitters.

Bobby: We’re not quitters.

(Next, Mike is in his den getting ready for work when Carol comes in.)

Carol: Mike honey, wait a minute. You forgot this.

(He hands him a pamphlet.)

Mike: Oh, thank you sweetheart. (He takes it and puts it in his jacket pocket) You know, this morning I was sure Peter would admit breaking that vase.

Carol: Yeah, me too. and tomorrow’s his camping trip.

Mike: Yeah, well, I’ve been thinking of a new approach. Why don’t we reward him.

Carol (surprised): For breaking my vase?

Mike: No, for being the only one who wasn’t involved, see. That ought to give his conscience a little nudge.

Carol (mocking a British accent): Right again, my dear Watson.

Mike (with the same accent): It’s elementary my dear Holmes, elementary.

Carol: What do you think we oughtta give him?

Mike: Well, how about camping equipment, you know, like a lantern. He’s wanted one of those for a long time.

Carol: A lantern?

Mike: Mmm hmm.

Carol: Mike, that is inspiring.

Mike: Inspiring?

Carol: Yeah, wasn’t it Diogenes who went around with a lantern looking for an honest man?

(The next scene has Mike, Carol and Peter shopping for the lantern.)

Peter: Thanks, but, I don’t think I want it.

Carol: Why not?

Peter: It’s, it’s too big.

Mike (after a long pause): Well, how, how about this one?  (He picks out a smaller one.) This looks like a pretty good size.

Peter: Gee Dad, I don’t have to be rewarded.

Mike: you were the only one who didn’t confess. We want you to really enjoy your camping trip.

Peter: It’s an awful lot of money.

Carol: But you deserve it. We want you to have it.

Peter: You do? Let me think it over a minute.

Carol: Sure. (Peter excuses himself to ponder. She whispers to Mike) I think he’s ready to tell.

Mike: This did it.

Peter: Okay, I’ve made up my mind.

Mike: Yeah.

Peter: I’ll take it.

(Mike looks shocked. That evening, Peter has dreams about the incident with the ball cracking the vase and Greg’s quote Mom’s favorite vase, and Bobby saying she always says don’t play all in the house.)

(The next day, Peter is awaiting his ride to the camping trip and is witnessing the other kids doing chores i.e. Marcia mowing the lawn, Cindy and Jan doing gardening and Bobby removing the window screen, with Greg helping. Mr. Cramer, the man who is to drive Peter, arrives and honks.)

Mike (coming outside): Hi Doug, Peter will be right out. (calling) Peter!

Carol (joining him): He’s coming, honey.

Mike: Oh.

(Carol waves to Doug Cramer as Peter comes out.)

Carol: Hurry up, dear.

Mike: Come on, you’ve got everything, son?

Peter: Yeah.

Carol: Now remember, stay warm and dry and do everything Mr. Cramer tells you. (Note: Douglas Cramer was an executive producer for the series during its first two seasons.)

Peter: Thanks, Mom.

Carol: Good-bye dear. (He kisses his cheek)

Peter: Good bye.

Mike: Good bye, Peter.

Peter: Good bye. (He starts to go but then stops) I can’t go, Mom, Dad, it’s my fault. I broke the vase. I should have told you. I really meant to but it was the camping trip that I really wanted.

Mike: It’s okay, it’s okay, son.

(Carol hugs him.)

Carol: Mr. Cramer’s waiting.

Peter: I better tell him I can’t make it. What reason shall I give him?

Mike: The truth Peter, just tell him the truth.

Peter: Yeah, the truth.

(Mike winks at him as Peter goes to cancel. Mike and Carol proudly look on and the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Peter mowing the lawn. Carol comes out to see him.)

Carol: Hi, Peter.

Peter: Oh, hi Mom.

Carol: Why are you doing that?

Peter: I’m taking over all the punishments I gave the other kids.

Carol: Well that’s a very nice gesture, Peter. And I’ve got one more job for you to do.

Peter: What’s that?

Carol: When you’re finished, would you mind gluing this (the vase) Back together again? And this time, try to do a better job.

(She hands him he vase but before Peter gets ahold of it, it drops and breaks into a bunch of pieces.)

Carol (upset): Oh, no!

(We see the completely destroyed vase down by peter’s sneaker.) Well, Peter, it looks like we’re going to need a lot more glue.

Peter: First you better tell dad the truth.

(Carol laughs and hugs him.)

untitled guilts

                                   THE END

S2 E11 What Goes Up


untitled sprained ankle

What Goes Up
Written by William Raynor and Myles Wilder

Bobby falls out of Peter’s treehouse. That causes him to develop a fear of heights. Hope you enjoy the script.









TOMMY. Peter’s friend

JIMMY, another of Peter’s friends

TIM, another friend

(The episode begins with Peter and his friends over at their treehouse. Bobby is determined to join, much to the chagrin of Peter’s friends.)

Tim: Bobby’s still following us.

Jimmy: Boy, he sure is stubborn.

Tommy: He just won’t give up.

Tim (to Peter): Why don’t you tell him he’s too little to join our treehouse club.

Peter: Aw, he’s not that little, I mean, for a 9 year-old, and we don’t have to make him a regular member, he’s willing to be our mascot.

Jimmy: I don’t know.

Peter: He’d pay dues.

Tommy: Dues?

(The guys ponder for a few seconds.)

Tim: I guess we could use someone to clean up the tree house.

Jimmy: And pay dues.

Peter: Hey, that’s great fellas. (He calls for Bobby who was following them in the woods) Okay Bobby, we just voted you in.

Bobby: Wow, that’s great. thanks you guys.

Jimmy: Climb up to the treehouse so you can get sworn in.

Peter: Go ahead, Bobby.

Bobby: Sure.

(Bobby goes to climb while Peter looks on. Bobby slips and falls.)

Tim: he can’t even climb.

(The guys sigh in disgust. Peter goes up to an injured Bobby.)

Peter: Are you okay, Bobby?

Bobby (crying): Oh, my ankle. (Peter goes to examine it) Ow!

(The scene fades. the next scene has Bobby at home, laying on Greg’s bed, with his ankle bandaged and rested on a pillow. Carol is in the room with him.)

Carol: Does it (ankle) still hurt?

Bobby: No. Gee, those guys in the treehouse club sure must think I’m a dumbhead.

Carol: Oh, not at all. This time next week, you’ll be a member in good standing.

(She pats him on the head. The next scene has Cindy and Alice in the room. Cindy is wearing a nurse’s uniform.)

Alice: If you ask me, I think it’s a miracle.

Carol: Yes, that he only sprained his ankle.

Alice: No, I mean tit was a miracle that you have a doctor that made house calls.

Cindy: He didn’t even ask Bobby to stick out his tongue and say ah.

Alice: Well, that’s just when you sprain a tonsil. Come on, Florence Nightingale, you can help me in the kitchen, making hospital corners napkins on the napkins.

(Jan comes in to see Bobby.)

Jan: Hi, I thought Bobby might want a glass of ice water.

Bobby: Thanks, but I’m not thirsty.

Carol: Huh, I can’t imagine why. Let’s see, we have a glass of milk from Marcia, a glass of lemonade form Cindy, and a glass of grape juice form Peter. (to Bobby) You know, you must be a lot bigger on the inside than you look on the outside.

(Mike comes in.)

Carol: Hi.

Mike (to Bobby): Hey, Tarzan.

Bobby: Hi, Dad.

Mike (giving Carol a kiss): Hmm, how’s the old ankle?

Bobby: Okay, only it sure is boring staying in bed.

Mike: Well, here’s a little something to help you pass the time.

(He hands him a book.)

Bobby: Gee, thanks, Dad.

Carol: Well it looks like we all had the same idea. These (cookies) were form me and the cookies are from Alice. (bobby reaches for one) And they’re for after dinner. (Mike reaches for one as well) And that goes for you, too.

Mike: Well, your Mom is right. It’ll spoil your appetite.

Carol: Well, with everybody waiting on him, I’m afraid more than his appetite is getting spoiled.

(Tiger comes in to bring Bobby something.)

Bobby: Thanks, Tiger.

Carol: I rest my case.

(The next scene has Carol in the living room.)

Alice: Well, the kitchen checks out a O.K. Mrs. Brady. Dishes are all done, floor’s all scrubbed, housekeeper’s all pooped.

(She sits down and Mike comes down the stairs.)

Carol: Alice, the kitchen floor didn’t need scrubbing.

Alice: I know, but once I get turned on, there’s just no tuning me off.

Mike: Bobby and I set a new record. Nine straight games of Chinese checkers.

Alice: The only trouble with Chinese checkers, Mr. Brady, is no matter how much you play, an hour later you just want to play again.

Carol: Mike, were you able to get Bobby off to sleep?

Mike (laying down): Yeah. You know, if he’s this restless and bored after one night, what’s he gonna be like in a few days?

Carol: Maybe we can move the television set into his room.

Mike: You know, I’ve been thinking, there’s something he’s been wanting for a long time and it would be perfect. Not only would it keep him interested but it would make a great companion for him at the same time.

(The next scene has Mike, Carol and Peter in the room with Bobby, and a parakeet that Mike got him.)

Bobby: A parakeet! Gee, thanks, Dad.

Peter: Boy, a parakeet just for a sprained ankle. Could I get an alligator if I broke my leg?

Mike: No, so don’t try it.

Carol: So, what are you going to name it, Bobby?

Bobby: It all depends. How do you tell if it’s a boy parakeet or a girl parakeet?

Carol: Well, you teach it to talk and then you ask it.

(The next scene is downstairs. Greg is helping feed the parakeet with Alice watching.)

Greg: I’m just getting some crumbs to feed the parakeet with.

Alice: The way everybody’s stuffing him, that little parakeet’s gonna be an ostrich by next week.

(She goes in the living room to pour coffee for Mike and Carol.)

Mike: I see they’re taking good care of the bird.

Alice: Oh yeah, everyone in the house is just flipped over him, her, it?

(Upstairs, Bobby is trying to teach the parakeet to talk.)

Bobby: Come on, you can say it, Polly want a cracker. Say it.

(Tiger comes in the room and barks, scaring the parakeet and making it fly downstairs.)

Bobby: Tiger, stop, you’re scaring it! Tiger, go pick on somebody your own size! (Tiger chases the parakeet down the stairs. Bobby runs down the stairs after the parakeet.) Mom, Dad, my parakeet’s loose! Tiger, stop scaring my parakeet!

Carol: Where did he go?

(They find it up near the ceiling.)

Alice: Parakeet at 9 o’clock high.

(Tiger continues barking.)

Mike (to Cindy and Jan): Girls, shut the kitchen door!

Greg: Peter, Peter, get the window, quick!

(Bobby whistles to it while Tiger keeps barking.)

Carol: Tiger, be quiet!

(The parakeet flies around. Mike grabs Tiger.)

Mike: Tiger, come on, come on, come on, get you out of here. (to Jan and Cindy): Girls!

Jan (running in with Cindy): What’s all the noise?

Mike: Just take Tiger rout of here.

Cindy (petulantly): Nobody ever tells us anything.

(The bird still flies around.)

Mike: Okay, now, everybody quiet. No, everybody quiet till the bird settles down.

Carol: Here birdie (she whistles to it) Birdie, here.

Alice: Here boy, here girl.

(The bird continues to fly around.)

Mike: Nobody move. Nobody move.

Bobby: If we don’t move, how are we going to catch it?

Mike: just leave that to old Bring ‘Em back alive Brady. (He moves toward the bird) Take it easy fella, or miss. Nobody’s gonna hurt you. I’m just going to take you back to your cage.

(He attempts to get it but it flies away.)

Carol: Big hunter blew it. Looks like you better take a lesson from Little Hunter.

Bobby: He flew right into my hand. I guess that proves he likes me.

Mike: Hey, that also proves your ankle is better. You came down those stairs like gangbusters.

Bobby: hey yeah, look.

(He walks on it a little.)

Greg (running in with Peter): Hey, that’s great, Bobby!

Peter: You can come to the treehouse tomorrow and get initiated into the club.

Bobby: Hey, yeah!

(The next day, Bobby is down at the treehouse with peter and his friends. He is reluctant to climb, however.)

Tim: Come on, we haven’t got all afternoon.

Jimmy: Start climbing.

Peter: I’ll hold it (the parakeet) for you.

(Bobby attempts to climb but is too afraid.)

Tim: What are you waiting for?

(Bobby is standing there too overwhelmed with fear.)

Jimmy: Will you quit stalling?

Tommy: Go on.

Peter: Come on, Bobby. You won’t slip again.

Bobby: I know, it’s just (Pause) Couldn’t I take the oath down here?

Jimmy: Either you climb up or you don’t get in.

Tommy: Rules are rules.

Tim: What’s the matter, you chicken?

Bobby: Heck no, it’s just, well, my ankle’s starting to hurt again, that’s all. We’ll have to do it some other time.

(Bobby grabs his parakeet and starts to go home as the scene fades.)

untitled chicken out

(The next scene has Mike coming home and Peter comes home on his bike.)

Mike: Hi, Pete.

Peter: Hi, Dad. (He stops his bike) The brakes sure work neat since you fixed them.

Mike: Mmm hmm. They’re only supposed to stop the bicycle, not wear out the tires.

(He pats his head.)

Peter: Okay, I’ll watch it.

Mike: How did it go with Bobby’s initiation today?

Peter: Well, Bobby said he couldn’t climb up to the treehouse because his ankle started hurting him again.

Mike: Still sore, huh.

Peter: That’s what he says.

Mike: You sound like you don’t believe him.

Peter: Well (Pause) After the fall he took, you can’t blame him for chickening out.

Mike: Chickening out?

Peter: Well, that’s what the other guys think.

Mike: Hmm, well, what do you think? (Peter shrugs) Is that fair, Pete? After all, that’s Bobby’s ankle, you know. If he says it hurts, the least you can do is give him the benefit of the doubt. (Peter nods) Hmm, get.

(The next scene has Bobby trying again to teach the parakeet to talk.)

Bobby: Come on, you can say it, Hello Bobby, Hello Bobby. Boy, you’re sure a dumb bird. (The bird chirps sadly) Okay, I take it back.

Jan (over at the swings): Hey Bobby, I bet I can swing higher than you can.

Bobby: I bet you can’t.

Jan: I bet I can.

Bobby: Are you kidding? I can beta you easy.

Jan: Prove it.

Bobby: Okay, you asked for it.

(He gets on the swing but suddenly decides not to swing.)

Jan: Come on, what are you waiting for?

Bobby: Well, it’s no fun beating a girl. Anyway, I got more important things to do.

(He gets up and takes the parakeet and walks away. Jan is left there feeling stunned.)

(The next scene has Carol and Alice preparing dinner.)

Carol: Alice, you can put the hamburgers on any time you’re ready.

Alice: All right, Mrs. Brady, let’s see, that’s rare for you and Mr. Brady, medium rare for Jan and Peter, well done for Marcia. (Pause) it would be a lot simpler if I just pound this whole thing together into a meat loaf.

(Carol laughs. Bobby comes in with his parakeet.)

Bobby: Mom, are we having those buns with the seeds on them tonight?

Carol: As a matter of fact we are Bobby, why?

Bobby: Well, can I scrape off some to feed to my bird?

Alice: Oh, that’s some lucky bird, we eat his leftovers.

Carol: All right, you can scrape the seeds off of one bun.

Bobby: Thanks.

Carol: Hey, your ankle seems to be well now.

Bobby: Yeah!

Carol: Good, because your father going to take us on a picnic this weekend.

Bobby (excited): that’s great!

Carol: To Mount Claymore.

Bobby (worried):  Mount Claymore? (Carol nods. Bobby starts to cringe)

Carol: you can go hiking and climbing.

Bobby: Do I have to go?

Carol: But you always loved to go there. Why, last year you were the first one to climb to the top.

Bobby: Yeah, I know. But, what’s the use of climbing on a bunch of crummy rocks? You just have to climb back down again. (Bobby takes his parakeet and walks away.) It’s still a little sore.

(The next scene has Mike in his den and Greg comes in to speak to him.)

Greg: Have you got a second, Dad?

Mike: Mmm hmm. What’s on your mind, son?

Greg (after a pause): Is Bobby okay? (Mike looks at him incredulously) I mean, do you think maybe he hurt something besides his ankle?

Mike: What are you getting at, Greg?

Greg: Well, you know how he’s always pestering me to go coasting down Maple Street on our bikes.

Mike: Yeah.

Greg: Well, today I offered to let him go along and he turned me down.

Mike: Well, did he give you any reason why?

Greg: Yeah, he said his ankle was sore, and he might not be able to put on the brakes.

Mike: Well, it sounds logical to me.

Greg: Yeah, except for one thing. I offered to swap bikes, let him use mine, and mine has hand brakes. (Mike looks up) So, I figured maybe it’s not his ankle.

Mike: Hmm, you got a point there.

Alice (from the living room): Soup’s on everybody, come and get it! Let’s go gang! Girls, Marcia, Peter, Bobby!

(Cindy, Jan and Peter come down the stairs as Greg and Mike come out of the den. Bobby runs down the stairs and leaps over the bottom two steps.)

Greg: See that, Bobby’s not limping a bit.

Mike: Mmm, hmm, now I’m sure you got a point. I’m afraid Bobby’s got another kind of sprain.

(In the next scene, Carol, mike and Alice are in the family room with Greg, discussing Bobby’s newfound acrophobia.)

Carol: Are you sure that’s the real reason he didn’t want to join the club?

Mike: Yeah, I’m sure. He won’t climb up the tree.

Alice: So he won’t climb up a tree, so what? He’s a boy, not a monkey.

Mike: It’s all part of the picture, Alice. He won’t go on the swing. He won’t go hiking in the mountains. He won’t go down the hill on his bicycle. He’s afraid of falling and hurting himself.

Carol: And the longer he avoids it, the harder it will be.

Mike: Exactly, so we have to try and help Bobby.

Greg (rising from the couch): Well how, Dad?

Mike: Greg, remember last season, when you got hit with a baseball during batting practice?

Greg: Yeah.

Mike: What happened?

Greg: It hurt.

Carol: I think your Dad means what did the coach make you do?

Greg: Get right back in the batter’s box so I wouldn’t lose my nerve.

Mike: Which is exactly what we have to do with Bobby, get him off the ground.

(Greg is walking on stilts in the backyard when he sees Bobby with his bird.)

Greg: Hi, Bobby. How’s the weather down there?

Bobby: Gee, where did you get the stilts?

Greg: I made them. pretty good, huh?

Bobby: I’ll say. Terrific.

Greg: You want to try them? it’s easy. You just climb up and start walking.

Bobby: No, thanks.

Greg: Aw, come on, give it a try. Once you get up here, you can see right into the Liston’s yard.

Bobby: What’s so special about that? I can see it right through my bedroom window.

(Bobby picks his bird up and walks away. Next, Mike sets up  a ladder when he sees Bobby with his bird. He starts to climb and hammer to get Bobby’s attention.)

Bobby: What are you doing, Dad?

Mike: Uh, hey Bob, shutter’s loose on the hinge. I need a screwdriver, would you bring it up to me, please? (Bobby seems to stall.) It’s in the toolbox in the kitchen. Will you bring it up?

Bobby: Sure, Dad, right away.

(He hurries into the house while Mike continues to hammer. He absent-mindedly hammers the shutter off its hinge.)

Mike: Hey Bobby, hurry up, I really need that screwdriver! Bob?

(Bobby brings it to him from inside the window.)

Bobby: Here you are, dad.

Mike: Thanks a lot.

(Next, Carol, Mike and Greg are out in the backyard with a trampoline. Peter, jan and Cindy come running out.

Peter: Hey, I’m great at this.

Jan: Oh boy, these are really fun. Oh boy, this is fun.

Cindy: It’s stringy enough.

Jan: It looks brand new.

Mike (whispering to Greg): If this trampoline doesn’t work, then I don’t know what to try next.

Greg: It better work, after all the trouble we went through just to borrow it.

Carol: Oh well, who’s gonna be the first to try it.

Peter: I will!

Jan: Oh boy, we have one just like it in school They’re a blast.

(Peter gets on and starts jumping around.)

Carol: Hey, go get ’em, Chris. (note: That was meant to be Peter, whose name is real life was Chris Knight.)

Alice: You’re pretty good at that.

Jan: Hey, that’s great! Come on, higher, higher!

Carol: Be careful. That’s high enough, I think. (She turns to Mike) Mike.

Mike: Hey, that’s good.

Carol: Yeah, isn’t he good?

Cindy: Good one.

Jan: Yay, Peter.

(They all clap.)

Carol: Be careful.

Greg: Stay in the middle.

Jan: Let somebody else try it. Come on.

Alice: You’re pretty good at that.

(They see Bobby watching from upstairs.)

Mike (to Carol): How we doing?

Carol: Well, so far so good. At least he’s interested enough to watch.

Mike: Yeah.

Jan: Come on, Pete.

Cindy: Come on, don’t you start.

Jan: Hey, that’s good!

Carol: Okay.

(Peter gets off.)

Jan: I’m next.

Cindy: No, I am!

Mike: Come on, you can both be next if you’ll hold hands and be careful.

Cindy: Okay.

Jan: Come on, Cindy.

Carol: Now Jan, remember, you’re bigger than Cindy.

(They both get on and hold hands and start jumping.)

Jan: Oh,oh!

Carol: Now Jan, you’re bigger than Cindy, not so high.

(The girls laugh and continue jumping.)

Mike: That’s it, good, girls.

Alice (to Carol): Is he (Bobby) still watching?

Carol: Yeah, he’s up there with that parakeet.

Alice: If that bird talks him out of it, I’ll pluck him.

Greg: Be careful, you two.

Carol: Jan, remember, you’re taller. Why don’t you give Cindy a chance now?

Jan: Okay, okay. Whoa, I almost fell off!

Carol: Take it easy now. (She turns to Cindy) Okay honey, go.

(Cindy starts to jump up and down.)

Carol: Careful. Not too high.

Greg: Can you do any tricks?

Carol: Can you do any tricks?

(She gets on her knees and then does a flip.)

Jan: Yay!

Carol: Cindy, that was great.

Jan: Real good.

Greg: Be careful. (to Jan) Why don’t you give it a try, Eve. (Note: Jan’s real life name was Eve Plumb.)

Cindy: Can we do it again?

Mike: When everyone else has a turn. (He looks up to Bobby) Bobby, you want to come down and give it a try?

(Bobby ponders for a moment and shakes his head no.)

Carol (whispering): I was sure he’d come down when he saw that even Cindy wasn’t afraid.

Alice: Maybe he’d change his mind if the worst coward in town tried it.

Mike: Who’s that?

(Alice raises her hand and gets on, with help from Mike and Carol.)

Carol: Okay, Alice, push.

Mike: Be careful.

Alice (landing on the trampoline): Whoops!

Carol: Come on, come on, Alice.

Alice (getting up): Okay, now.

Carol: Now, be careful.

Alice: I’m all right. I’ve done this a lot.

Carol (skeptical): Where?

Alice: The Y.W.C.A.

(Alice starts jumping up and down with everyone cheering her on.)

Carol: Alice!

Jan: Come on, Alice, that’s great!

Peter: Yeah!

Jan: Wow!

(Alice continues to jump around.)

Mike (to Carol): I think she’s getting to him (Bobby).

Carol: Keep it up, Alice, keep it up.

(Alice jumps around some more with everyone cheering her on.)

Alice: I can’t stop.

Mike: That’s .54 on the Richter scale.

(Alice leaps off and is caught by Mike.)

Jan: Alice!

Alice: Whoa! I’m sorry about that, Mr. Brady.

Mike: That’s all right, Alice, drop in any time.

Carol: Oh, you’re in good shape.

Mike (looking up): Uh-oh.

(Bobby takes his parakeet and starts walking away.)

Mike: So much for operation bounce back.

Carol: Oh.

(The next day, Tiger scares Bobby’s parakeet out the window.)

Bobby: Tiger! Stop! (He and Tiger go over to the window) Now look what you’ve done. (He runs down the stairs) mom, Dad! Tiger chased my parakeet out the window! We’ve got to catch it!

(He runs through the kitchen and almost bumps into Alice, who is carrying a bunch of plates and cups.)

Alice: Hey, what’s the hurry?

(Carol and Mike run by her as well)

Carol: Excuse us, Alice.

Mike: Pardon me, alice.

Alice: A trampoline isn’t enough, now I got to be a juggler.

(Bobby goes outside to the backyard and whistles for the parakeet. he sees it in the tree and then climbs the swingset to get it. This helps him overcome his fear. Carol and Mike come out and are amazed.)

Bobby (to the parakeet): Tiger didn’t mean to scare you. It’s all right. I’m coming for you. (He takes the bird with his finger.) It’s okay, you’re safe now.

Mike: Take it easy, Bobby.

Carol: Careful dear.

(Greg and Peter come out.)

Greg: What’s going on?

Peter: Hey, look at Bobby.

Mike (pointing up to Bobby): How about that?

(They watch in admiration as Bobby safely holds his bird. Alice, Jan and Cindy come out.)

Alice: How did he get up there?

Mike: He climbed, naturally.

Carol: He was too worried about his parakeet to think about himself.

(Bobby looks down and smiles.)

Cindy: Boy, he’s a hero.

Bobby (to his parakeet): Hear that, bird? I’m a hero.

Peter: Hey, you want to try to become a member of the treehouse club tomorrow?

Bobby: I’m not sure. (Mike and the guys look at him with disbelief) It’s not much of a climb you know, it ought to be a lot higher.

(He smiles and the rest of the family laughs. The scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Bobby pumping gas into his bicycle as Mike and carol come home in their car.)

Bobby: Hi Mom, Hi Dad.

Carol: Hi honey.

Mike: What are you doing here? You should be in the treehouse with the rest of the fellows.

Bobby: I quit.

Carol: You quit? Why?

Bobby: All they do is sit around and talk while I sweep and clean the place.

Mike: After all, you are the mascot, you know.

Bobby: I’m going to build my own treehouse and have my own club.

Carol: Really, what are you going to use for members?

Bobby: Well, I’ve already got two of them. (Tiger comes out while holding his parakeet cage with his teeth) Come on, Tiger.

(He rides off on his bike with Tiger and the parakeet following him.)

                                                       THE END

untitled my own clubhouse