S2 E11 What Goes Up


untitled sprained ankle

What Goes Up
Written by William Raynor and Myles Wilder

Bobby falls out of Peter’s treehouse. That causes him to develop a fear of heights. Hope you enjoy the script.









TOMMY. Peter’s friend

JIMMY, another of Peter’s friends

TIM, another friend

(The episode begins with Peter and his friends over at their treehouse. Bobby is determined to join, much to the chagrin of Peter’s friends.)

Tim: Bobby’s still following us.

Jimmy: Boy, he sure is stubborn.

Tommy: He just won’t give up.

Tim (to Peter): Why don’t you tell him he’s too little to join our treehouse club.

Peter: Aw, he’s not that little, I mean, for a 9 year-old, and we don’t have to make him a regular member, he’s willing to be our mascot.

Jimmy: I don’t know.

Peter: He’d pay dues.

Tommy: Dues?

(The guys ponder for a few seconds.)

Tim: I guess we could use someone to clean up the tree house.

Jimmy: And pay dues.

Peter: Hey, that’s great fellas. (He calls for Bobby who was following them in the woods) Okay Bobby, we just voted you in.

Bobby: Wow, that’s great. thanks you guys.

Jimmy: Climb up to the treehouse so you can get sworn in.

Peter: Go ahead, Bobby.

Bobby: Sure.

(Bobby goes to climb while Peter looks on. Bobby slips and falls.)

Tim: he can’t even climb.

(The guys sigh in disgust. Peter goes up to an injured Bobby.)

Peter: Are you okay, Bobby?

Bobby (crying): Oh, my ankle. (Peter goes to examine it) Ow!

(The scene fades. the next scene has Bobby at home, laying on Greg’s bed, with his ankle bandaged and rested on a pillow. Carol is in the room with him.)

Carol: Does it (ankle) still hurt?

Bobby: No. Gee, those guys in the treehouse club sure must think I’m a dumbhead.

Carol: Oh, not at all. This time next week, you’ll be a member in good standing.

(She pats him on the head. The next scene has Cindy and Alice in the room. Cindy is wearing a nurse’s uniform.)

Alice: If you ask me, I think it’s a miracle.

Carol: Yes, that he only sprained his ankle.

Alice: No, I mean tit was a miracle that you have a doctor that made house calls.

Cindy: He didn’t even ask Bobby to stick out his tongue and say ah.

Alice: Well, that’s just when you sprain a tonsil. Come on, Florence Nightingale, you can help me in the kitchen, making hospital corners napkins on the napkins.

(Jan comes in to see Bobby.)

Jan: Hi, I thought Bobby might want a glass of ice water.

Bobby: Thanks, but I’m not thirsty.

Carol: Huh, I can’t imagine why. Let’s see, we have a glass of milk from Marcia, a glass of lemonade form Cindy, and a glass of grape juice form Peter. (to Bobby) You know, you must be a lot bigger on the inside than you look on the outside.

(Mike comes in.)

Carol: Hi.

Mike (to Bobby): Hey, Tarzan.

Bobby: Hi, Dad.

Mike (giving Carol a kiss): Hmm, how’s the old ankle?

Bobby: Okay, only it sure is boring staying in bed.

Mike: Well, here’s a little something to help you pass the time.

(He hands him a book.)

Bobby: Gee, thanks, Dad.

Carol: Well it looks like we all had the same idea. These (cookies) were form me and the cookies are from Alice. (bobby reaches for one) And they’re for after dinner. (Mike reaches for one as well) And that goes for you, too.

Mike: Well, your Mom is right. It’ll spoil your appetite.

Carol: Well, with everybody waiting on him, I’m afraid more than his appetite is getting spoiled.

(Tiger comes in to bring Bobby something.)

Bobby: Thanks, Tiger.

Carol: I rest my case.

(The next scene has Carol in the living room.)

Alice: Well, the kitchen checks out a O.K. Mrs. Brady. Dishes are all done, floor’s all scrubbed, housekeeper’s all pooped.

(She sits down and Mike comes down the stairs.)

Carol: Alice, the kitchen floor didn’t need scrubbing.

Alice: I know, but once I get turned on, there’s just no tuning me off.

Mike: Bobby and I set a new record. Nine straight games of Chinese checkers.

Alice: The only trouble with Chinese checkers, Mr. Brady, is no matter how much you play, an hour later you just want to play again.

Carol: Mike, were you able to get Bobby off to sleep?

Mike (laying down): Yeah. You know, if he’s this restless and bored after one night, what’s he gonna be like in a few days?

Carol: Maybe we can move the television set into his room.

Mike: You know, I’ve been thinking, there’s something he’s been wanting for a long time and it would be perfect. Not only would it keep him interested but it would make a great companion for him at the same time.

(The next scene has Mike, Carol and Peter in the room with Bobby, and a parakeet that Mike got him.)

Bobby: A parakeet! Gee, thanks, Dad.

Peter: Boy, a parakeet just for a sprained ankle. Could I get an alligator if I broke my leg?

Mike: No, so don’t try it.

Carol: So, what are you going to name it, Bobby?

Bobby: It all depends. How do you tell if it’s a boy parakeet or a girl parakeet?

Carol: Well, you teach it to talk and then you ask it.

(The next scene is downstairs. Greg is helping feed the parakeet with Alice watching.)

Greg: I’m just getting some crumbs to feed the parakeet with.

Alice: The way everybody’s stuffing him, that little parakeet’s gonna be an ostrich by next week.

(She goes in the living room to pour coffee for Mike and Carol.)

Mike: I see they’re taking good care of the bird.

Alice: Oh yeah, everyone in the house is just flipped over him, her, it?

(Upstairs, Bobby is trying to teach the parakeet to talk.)

Bobby: Come on, you can say it, Polly want a cracker. Say it.

(Tiger comes in the room and barks, scaring the parakeet and making it fly downstairs.)

Bobby: Tiger, stop, you’re scaring it! Tiger, go pick on somebody your own size! (Tiger chases the parakeet down the stairs. Bobby runs down the stairs after the parakeet.) Mom, Dad, my parakeet’s loose! Tiger, stop scaring my parakeet!

Carol: Where did he go?

(They find it up near the ceiling.)

Alice: Parakeet at 9 o’clock high.

(Tiger continues barking.)

Mike (to Cindy and Jan): Girls, shut the kitchen door!

Greg: Peter, Peter, get the window, quick!

(Bobby whistles to it while Tiger keeps barking.)

Carol: Tiger, be quiet!

(The parakeet flies around. Mike grabs Tiger.)

Mike: Tiger, come on, come on, come on, get you out of here. (to Jan and Cindy): Girls!

Jan (running in with Cindy): What’s all the noise?

Mike: Just take Tiger rout of here.

Cindy (petulantly): Nobody ever tells us anything.

(The bird still flies around.)

Mike: Okay, now, everybody quiet. No, everybody quiet till the bird settles down.

Carol: Here birdie (she whistles to it) Birdie, here.

Alice: Here boy, here girl.

(The bird continues to fly around.)

Mike: Nobody move. Nobody move.

Bobby: If we don’t move, how are we going to catch it?

Mike: just leave that to old Bring ‘Em back alive Brady. (He moves toward the bird) Take it easy fella, or miss. Nobody’s gonna hurt you. I’m just going to take you back to your cage.

(He attempts to get it but it flies away.)

Carol: Big hunter blew it. Looks like you better take a lesson from Little Hunter.

Bobby: He flew right into my hand. I guess that proves he likes me.

Mike: Hey, that also proves your ankle is better. You came down those stairs like gangbusters.

Bobby: hey yeah, look.

(He walks on it a little.)

Greg (running in with Peter): Hey, that’s great, Bobby!

Peter: You can come to the treehouse tomorrow and get initiated into the club.

Bobby: Hey, yeah!

(The next day, Bobby is down at the treehouse with peter and his friends. He is reluctant to climb, however.)

Tim: Come on, we haven’t got all afternoon.

Jimmy: Start climbing.

Peter: I’ll hold it (the parakeet) for you.

(Bobby attempts to climb but is too afraid.)

Tim: What are you waiting for?

(Bobby is standing there too overwhelmed with fear.)

Jimmy: Will you quit stalling?

Tommy: Go on.

Peter: Come on, Bobby. You won’t slip again.

Bobby: I know, it’s just (Pause) Couldn’t I take the oath down here?

Jimmy: Either you climb up or you don’t get in.

Tommy: Rules are rules.

Tim: What’s the matter, you chicken?

Bobby: Heck no, it’s just, well, my ankle’s starting to hurt again, that’s all. We’ll have to do it some other time.

(Bobby grabs his parakeet and starts to go home as the scene fades.)

untitled chicken out

(The next scene has Mike coming home and Peter comes home on his bike.)

Mike: Hi, Pete.

Peter: Hi, Dad. (He stops his bike) The brakes sure work neat since you fixed them.

Mike: Mmm hmm. They’re only supposed to stop the bicycle, not wear out the tires.

(He pats his head.)

Peter: Okay, I’ll watch it.

Mike: How did it go with Bobby’s initiation today?

Peter: Well, Bobby said he couldn’t climb up to the treehouse because his ankle started hurting him again.

Mike: Still sore, huh.

Peter: That’s what he says.

Mike: You sound like you don’t believe him.

Peter: Well (Pause) After the fall he took, you can’t blame him for chickening out.

Mike: Chickening out?

Peter: Well, that’s what the other guys think.

Mike: Hmm, well, what do you think? (Peter shrugs) Is that fair, Pete? After all, that’s Bobby’s ankle, you know. If he says it hurts, the least you can do is give him the benefit of the doubt. (Peter nods) Hmm, get.

(The next scene has Bobby trying again to teach the parakeet to talk.)

Bobby: Come on, you can say it, Hello Bobby, Hello Bobby. Boy, you’re sure a dumb bird. (The bird chirps sadly) Okay, I take it back.

Jan (over at the swings): Hey Bobby, I bet I can swing higher than you can.

Bobby: I bet you can’t.

Jan: I bet I can.

Bobby: Are you kidding? I can beta you easy.

Jan: Prove it.

Bobby: Okay, you asked for it.

(He gets on the swing but suddenly decides not to swing.)

Jan: Come on, what are you waiting for?

Bobby: Well, it’s no fun beating a girl. Anyway, I got more important things to do.

(He gets up and takes the parakeet and walks away. Jan is left there feeling stunned.)

(The next scene has Carol and Alice preparing dinner.)

Carol: Alice, you can put the hamburgers on any time you’re ready.

Alice: All right, Mrs. Brady, let’s see, that’s rare for you and Mr. Brady, medium rare for Jan and Peter, well done for Marcia. (Pause) it would be a lot simpler if I just pound this whole thing together into a meat loaf.

(Carol laughs. Bobby comes in with his parakeet.)

Bobby: Mom, are we having those buns with the seeds on them tonight?

Carol: As a matter of fact we are Bobby, why?

Bobby: Well, can I scrape off some to feed to my bird?

Alice: Oh, that’s some lucky bird, we eat his leftovers.

Carol: All right, you can scrape the seeds off of one bun.

Bobby: Thanks.

Carol: Hey, your ankle seems to be well now.

Bobby: Yeah!

Carol: Good, because your father going to take us on a picnic this weekend.

Bobby (excited): that’s great!

Carol: To Mount Claymore.

Bobby (worried):  Mount Claymore? (Carol nods. Bobby starts to cringe)

Carol: you can go hiking and climbing.

Bobby: Do I have to go?

Carol: But you always loved to go there. Why, last year you were the first one to climb to the top.

Bobby: Yeah, I know. But, what’s the use of climbing on a bunch of crummy rocks? You just have to climb back down again. (Bobby takes his parakeet and walks away.) It’s still a little sore.

(The next scene has Mike in his den and Greg comes in to speak to him.)

Greg: Have you got a second, Dad?

Mike: Mmm hmm. What’s on your mind, son?

Greg (after a pause): Is Bobby okay? (Mike looks at him incredulously) I mean, do you think maybe he hurt something besides his ankle?

Mike: What are you getting at, Greg?

Greg: Well, you know how he’s always pestering me to go coasting down Maple Street on our bikes.

Mike: Yeah.

Greg: Well, today I offered to let him go along and he turned me down.

Mike: Well, did he give you any reason why?

Greg: Yeah, he said his ankle was sore, and he might not be able to put on the brakes.

Mike: Well, it sounds logical to me.

Greg: Yeah, except for one thing. I offered to swap bikes, let him use mine, and mine has hand brakes. (Mike looks up) So, I figured maybe it’s not his ankle.

Mike: Hmm, you got a point there.

Alice (from the living room): Soup’s on everybody, come and get it! Let’s go gang! Girls, Marcia, Peter, Bobby!

(Cindy, Jan and Peter come down the stairs as Greg and Mike come out of the den. Bobby runs down the stairs and leaps over the bottom two steps.)

Greg: See that, Bobby’s not limping a bit.

Mike: Mmm, hmm, now I’m sure you got a point. I’m afraid Bobby’s got another kind of sprain.

(In the next scene, Carol, mike and Alice are in the family room with Greg, discussing Bobby’s newfound acrophobia.)

Carol: Are you sure that’s the real reason he didn’t want to join the club?

Mike: Yeah, I’m sure. He won’t climb up the tree.

Alice: So he won’t climb up a tree, so what? He’s a boy, not a monkey.

Mike: It’s all part of the picture, Alice. He won’t go on the swing. He won’t go hiking in the mountains. He won’t go down the hill on his bicycle. He’s afraid of falling and hurting himself.

Carol: And the longer he avoids it, the harder it will be.

Mike: Exactly, so we have to try and help Bobby.

Greg (rising from the couch): Well how, Dad?

Mike: Greg, remember last season, when you got hit with a baseball during batting practice?

Greg: Yeah.

Mike: What happened?

Greg: It hurt.

Carol: I think your Dad means what did the coach make you do?

Greg: Get right back in the batter’s box so I wouldn’t lose my nerve.

Mike: Which is exactly what we have to do with Bobby, get him off the ground.

(Greg is walking on stilts in the backyard when he sees Bobby with his bird.)

Greg: Hi, Bobby. How’s the weather down there?

Bobby: Gee, where did you get the stilts?

Greg: I made them. pretty good, huh?

Bobby: I’ll say. Terrific.

Greg: You want to try them? it’s easy. You just climb up and start walking.

Bobby: No, thanks.

Greg: Aw, come on, give it a try. Once you get up here, you can see right into the Liston’s yard.

Bobby: What’s so special about that? I can see it right through my bedroom window.

(Bobby picks his bird up and walks away. Next, Mike sets up  a ladder when he sees Bobby with his bird. He starts to climb and hammer to get Bobby’s attention.)

Bobby: What are you doing, Dad?

Mike: Uh, hey Bob, shutter’s loose on the hinge. I need a screwdriver, would you bring it up to me, please? (Bobby seems to stall.) It’s in the toolbox in the kitchen. Will you bring it up?

Bobby: Sure, Dad, right away.

(He hurries into the house while Mike continues to hammer. He absent-mindedly hammers the shutter off its hinge.)

Mike: Hey Bobby, hurry up, I really need that screwdriver! Bob?

(Bobby brings it to him from inside the window.)

Bobby: Here you are, dad.

Mike: Thanks a lot.

(Next, Carol, Mike and Greg are out in the backyard with a trampoline. Peter, jan and Cindy come running out.

Peter: Hey, I’m great at this.

Jan: Oh boy, these are really fun. Oh boy, this is fun.

Cindy: It’s stringy enough.

Jan: It looks brand new.

Mike (whispering to Greg): If this trampoline doesn’t work, then I don’t know what to try next.

Greg: It better work, after all the trouble we went through just to borrow it.

Carol: Oh well, who’s gonna be the first to try it.

Peter: I will!

Jan: Oh boy, we have one just like it in school They’re a blast.

(Peter gets on and starts jumping around.)

Carol: Hey, go get ’em, Chris. (note: That was meant to be Peter, whose name is real life was Chris Knight.)

Alice: You’re pretty good at that.

Jan: Hey, that’s great! Come on, higher, higher!

Carol: Be careful. That’s high enough, I think. (She turns to Mike) Mike.

Mike: Hey, that’s good.

Carol: Yeah, isn’t he good?

Cindy: Good one.

Jan: Yay, Peter.

(They all clap.)

Carol: Be careful.

Greg: Stay in the middle.

Jan: Let somebody else try it. Come on.

Alice: You’re pretty good at that.

(They see Bobby watching from upstairs.)

Mike (to Carol): How we doing?

Carol: Well, so far so good. At least he’s interested enough to watch.

Mike: Yeah.

Jan: Come on, Pete.

Cindy: Come on, don’t you start.

Jan: Hey, that’s good!

Carol: Okay.

(Peter gets off.)

Jan: I’m next.

Cindy: No, I am!

Mike: Come on, you can both be next if you’ll hold hands and be careful.

Cindy: Okay.

Jan: Come on, Cindy.

Carol: Now Jan, remember, you’re bigger than Cindy.

(They both get on and hold hands and start jumping.)

Jan: Oh,oh!

Carol: Now Jan, you’re bigger than Cindy, not so high.

(The girls laugh and continue jumping.)

Mike: That’s it, good, girls.

Alice (to Carol): Is he (Bobby) still watching?

Carol: Yeah, he’s up there with that parakeet.

Alice: If that bird talks him out of it, I’ll pluck him.

Greg: Be careful, you two.

Carol: Jan, remember, you’re taller. Why don’t you give Cindy a chance now?

Jan: Okay, okay. Whoa, I almost fell off!

Carol: Take it easy now. (She turns to Cindy) Okay honey, go.

(Cindy starts to jump up and down.)

Carol: Careful. Not too high.

Greg: Can you do any tricks?

Carol: Can you do any tricks?

(She gets on her knees and then does a flip.)

Jan: Yay!

Carol: Cindy, that was great.

Jan: Real good.

Greg: Be careful. (to Jan) Why don’t you give it a try, Eve. (Note: Jan’s real life name was Eve Plumb.)

Cindy: Can we do it again?

Mike: When everyone else has a turn. (He looks up to Bobby) Bobby, you want to come down and give it a try?

(Bobby ponders for a moment and shakes his head no.)

Carol (whispering): I was sure he’d come down when he saw that even Cindy wasn’t afraid.

Alice: Maybe he’d change his mind if the worst coward in town tried it.

Mike: Who’s that?

(Alice raises her hand and gets on, with help from Mike and Carol.)

Carol: Okay, Alice, push.

Mike: Be careful.

Alice (landing on the trampoline): Whoops!

Carol: Come on, come on, Alice.

Alice (getting up): Okay, now.

Carol: Now, be careful.

Alice: I’m all right. I’ve done this a lot.

Carol (skeptical): Where?

Alice: The Y.W.C.A.

(Alice starts jumping up and down with everyone cheering her on.)

Carol: Alice!

Jan: Come on, Alice, that’s great!

Peter: Yeah!

Jan: Wow!

(Alice continues to jump around.)

Mike (to Carol): I think she’s getting to him (Bobby).

Carol: Keep it up, Alice, keep it up.

(Alice jumps around some more with everyone cheering her on.)

Alice: I can’t stop.

Mike: That’s .54 on the Richter scale.

(Alice leaps off and is caught by Mike.)

Jan: Alice!

Alice: Whoa! I’m sorry about that, Mr. Brady.

Mike: That’s all right, Alice, drop in any time.

Carol: Oh, you’re in good shape.

Mike (looking up): Uh-oh.

(Bobby takes his parakeet and starts walking away.)

Mike: So much for operation bounce back.

Carol: Oh.

(The next day, Tiger scares Bobby’s parakeet out the window.)

Bobby: Tiger! Stop! (He and Tiger go over to the window) Now look what you’ve done. (He runs down the stairs) mom, Dad! Tiger chased my parakeet out the window! We’ve got to catch it!

(He runs through the kitchen and almost bumps into Alice, who is carrying a bunch of plates and cups.)

Alice: Hey, what’s the hurry?

(Carol and Mike run by her as well)

Carol: Excuse us, Alice.

Mike: Pardon me, alice.

Alice: A trampoline isn’t enough, now I got to be a juggler.

(Bobby goes outside to the backyard and whistles for the parakeet. he sees it in the tree and then climbs the swingset to get it. This helps him overcome his fear. Carol and Mike come out and are amazed.)

Bobby (to the parakeet): Tiger didn’t mean to scare you. It’s all right. I’m coming for you. (He takes the bird with his finger.) It’s okay, you’re safe now.

Mike: Take it easy, Bobby.

Carol: Careful dear.

(Greg and Peter come out.)

Greg: What’s going on?

Peter: Hey, look at Bobby.

Mike (pointing up to Bobby): How about that?

(They watch in admiration as Bobby safely holds his bird. Alice, Jan and Cindy come out.)

Alice: How did he get up there?

Mike: He climbed, naturally.

Carol: He was too worried about his parakeet to think about himself.

(Bobby looks down and smiles.)

Cindy: Boy, he’s a hero.

Bobby (to his parakeet): Hear that, bird? I’m a hero.

Peter: Hey, you want to try to become a member of the treehouse club tomorrow?

Bobby: I’m not sure. (Mike and the guys look at him with disbelief) It’s not much of a climb you know, it ought to be a lot higher.

(He smiles and the rest of the family laughs. The scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Bobby pumping gas into his bicycle as Mike and carol come home in their car.)

Bobby: Hi Mom, Hi Dad.

Carol: Hi honey.

Mike: What are you doing here? You should be in the treehouse with the rest of the fellows.

Bobby: I quit.

Carol: You quit? Why?

Bobby: All they do is sit around and talk while I sweep and clean the place.

Mike: After all, you are the mascot, you know.

Bobby: I’m going to build my own treehouse and have my own club.

Carol: Really, what are you going to use for members?

Bobby: Well, I’ve already got two of them. (Tiger comes out while holding his parakeet cage with his teeth) Come on, Tiger.

(He rides off on his bike with Tiger and the parakeet following him.)

                                                       THE END

untitled my own clubhouse

S2 E 10 The Tattletale

untitled tattletale

The Tattletale

Written by Sam Locke and Milton Pascal

Cindy has developed a habit of tattling on the other kids. After alienating the other kids and a warning from Mike, she learned a lesson. Hope you enjoy the script.











(The episodes begins with Mike, Carol, Cindy and Greg at the table having breakfast. They hear construction from a neighbor’s house. Alice comes over to serve them.)

Alice: Ah, anyone want anything else?

Mike: Yeah, how about a pair of earplugs.

Greg: Boy, what a racket.

Cindy: Mr. and Mrs. Liston are adding a room to a house.

Alice: Sounds more like they’re adding a house to a room.

Cindy: They’ll be finished Friday.

Carol: Cindy, how did you know that?

Cindy: I heard Mrs. Liston telling Mr. Liston. And he sure was mad. He said now Mrs. Liston’s mother would come and visit them and never go home.

Mike (sternly): Cindy, what other people say privately is none of our business.

(Alice puts a kettle on the table.)

Carol: Oh, thanks Alice. Where’s the rest of the tribe?

Alice: I’ll give them another call. (She goes over to the stairs.) Jan, Marcia, Bobby, Peter! Better get a move on if you want breakfast before lunch!

(Mike puts salt on his eggs but it all comes out.)

Mike: Oh! Gosh, now how did that happen?

Cindy: Peter was using the top to strain a guppy out of the fish tank.

(Mike looks at her disgustedly, as does Carol.)

Carl: Strain a guppy out of the fish tank?

Greg: Tattletale!

Mike: All right, Greg, that’s enough.

Cindy; But I didn’t do anything wrong. Peter strained the guppy.

Mike: All right, what Peter did was wrong, but what you did was wrong too. You know, that’s none of your business. Your tattling is not right, and can get other people into trouble.

Carol; Would you like someone to tattle on you?

Cindy: Uh-uh, that’s no fun.

Mike: Well, then why should you tattle on other people?

Cindy: Because that is fun.

(Mike gives her another angry stare and Greg gives her a face, mimicking what she just said and the scene fades out.)

(The next scene has Carol helping Cindy with her dress.)

Carol: Cindy, honey, please stop fidgeting.

Cindy: I’ll try, Mommy.

Carol: You don’t want me to stick you, do you?

Cindy (shying away); You just did!

Carol: I’m sorry, honey, I really am.

Greg (coming in): Oh, hi, Mom.

Carol: Hi, Greg.

Greg: Have you seen my bicycle pump?

Carol: Yeah, it’s on the service porch. (Greg walks by) Greg, you didn’t wear those old pants to school, did you?

Greg: Uh, yeah, they’re kind of comfortable.

Cindy: He tore his new pants yesterday playing basketball.

Greg (angry): Squealer.

Carol (sternly): Greg. Why didn’t you tell me?

Greg: I was gonna…

Cindy: He asked Alice to patch it up so it wouldn’t show.

Greg: You little blabber mouth!

Carol: That’ll do, Greg. I’ll talk to you later. (Greg leaves) Cindy, do you remember that little talk we had at breakfast this morning?

Cindy: You mean about the guppy?

Carol: No. Your father and I warned you about tattling.

Cindy: I didn’t mean to get Greg in trouble. If I really wanted to, I would’ve told you about the time that he…

Carol: Cindy, Cindy, Cindy.

(The next scene has Mike coming home from work.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, love. (He kisses her) Well, what exciting events did I miss around here today?

Carol: Hmm, exciting. Let’s see. Well, for one thing, I saved you some money.

Mike: Oh yeah, how did you do that?

Carol: Well, all the sales started downtown and I didn’t buy anything.

Mike: Ha-ha, that’s what I call exciting.

(He hugs her.)

Carol: Oh yes, and one more thing, Mike. Our little gossip columnist was at it today.

Mike: Uh-oh, who got it this time?

Carol: Greg. (Pause) Well, I think it’s just a phase she’s going through, Mike. You know, the youngest one’s way of getting attention.

Mike: Yeah, I guess you’re right.

Carol: I hope so. (She sees Tiger with one of Mike’s golf balls in his mouth) Tiger! Mike, he’s got your golf ball.

Mike: Tiger! Drop that ball! Tiger! (Tiger gets away to his doghouse) Well, it’s probably chewed up anyway. that dumb dog!

Carol: Well, he was smart enough to get into your golf bag.

Mike: Look, I lose more golf balls in this house than I do on the course. Not to mention shoes and socks. Don’t tell me he’s going through a phase too.

(Alice comes out with a mop.)

Alice: For the fabrics that are best, put your faith in everpressed. You will always look well-dressed, and you never will be messed, up.

Mike: What’s that all about, Alice?

Alice: I’m writing a jingle for the Everpressed Fabric contest. I’ve got to think of a good last line to rhyme with everpressed.

Mike: Not another contest, Alice. Talk about phases, Alice has been going through the longest one in this house.

Alice: Like they say, you can’t lose them all.

Carol: Oh, don’t mind him, Alice. I admire your persistence.

(Mike sees Tiger with his tuxedo vest.)

Mike: Tiger! How did he get my tuxedo vest?

Carol: Honey, I put some things out for the cleaners.

Mike (angry): If that dog puts one tooth mark in that vest…

(He goes after Tiger.)

Alice: That’s it, that’s it. For the fabrics that are best, put your faith in everpressed. You will always look well-dressed, in the east and in the vest.

Carol: Oh, Alice.

Alice: All right, all right. I’ll keep trying.

(The next scene has Bobby in his room. Cindy goes in to talk to him.)

Cindy: Hi, Bobby.

Bobby: What do you want?

Cindy; Will you lend me your skate key?

Bobby: I’m not lending anything to a snitcher.

Cindy: I’m not a snitcher, I just tell it like it is.

Bobby: Well, I’m still not lending you my skate key after the way you squealed on Greg and Peter.

(Mike hears this from the hallway. he walks in the room.)

Cindy: Okay, I’ll tell what you did yesterday.

Bobby: You little fink.

Mike: Hey, Bobby.

Cindy: Daddy, wait till I tell you what Bobby did yesterday.

(Bobby gives her a dirty look.)

Mike: Yes, well, let’s just drop the whole subject, shall we?  Whatever it is.

Cindy: Okay, if you don’t want to know that Bobby used Mommy’s new lipstick to color his skateboard.

Mike: No, I’d…(to Bobby) You used Mommy’s new lipstick to color your skateboard?

(He hits Bobby on the head with a pamphlet he’s carrying. Bobby sticks his tongue out at Cindy.)

(The next scene has Marcia and Jan coming home. Marcia is telling Jan about an incident at school.)

Marcia: And you should have heard Mrs. Denton telling Paula Tardy to go right to the washroom to scrub off the mascara.

Jan: Mascara?

Marcia: Lots of girls use it.

Jan: Wow?

Marcia: And who do you think brought a pair of her mother’s false eyelashes to class?

Cindy (coming up to them): Who?

Marcia: Come on, Jan, I want to show you something. (They start going upstairs) You know, I wish we could move out of our room.

Jan: Why?

Marcia: Suppose one of us talks in our sleep, little miss you-know-who would get up and start taking notes.

(Cindy is outside in the backyard when Bobby is telling Greg about what he did in class.)

Bobby: And when the teacher was writing something on the board, I snuck into the closet.

Greg: Yeah?

Bobby: And I had the lizard in my lunchbox.

(They notice Cindy sitting over by the swing set.)

Greg: Oh, come on, now, let’s get over to the park, maybe we can get up a ball game.

Bobby: Yeah, it suddenly got very crowded out here.

(They leave for the park leaving Cindy dejected. The next scene has Mike and Carol inside in the living room.)

Carol: Well, it looks like the other kids are really teaching Cindy a lesson.

Mike: Oh yeah, you mean she hasn’t tattled on anyone lately?

Carol: No, not for five whole days. And it would have been six except she told me about last Monday.

Mike: What about Monday?

Carol: You think I’m a snitcher?

(Alice comes out with coffee.)

Alice: Anybody for a refill? It’s on the house.

Mike: Oh yeah, please.

Carol: Thanks, Alice.

Mike: How are things in the contest world these days?

Alice: I haven’t heard from them yet. I wonder if I sent in the wrong jingle.

Mike: The wrong one?

Alice: Yeah, I had another one. Everpressed, just right for you. If you are no matter who. Try our fabrics and real soon, in flannel, silk or gabardoon.

Carol: Gabardoon?

Alice: It’s a pun.

Mike (laughing): You mean pune.

Carol (to Mike): Ah, watch the sugar.

(The next scene has Alice mixing a cake in a bowl and Cindy comes in.)

Alice: Hi, Cindy.

Cindy: Can I help?

Alice: Wouldn’t you rather be out playing with the others?

Cindy: Aw, who wants to play those dumb kid games?

Alice: You didn’t think they were dumb kid games a week ago.

Cindy: Well, I was younger then.

Alice: Yeah, I guess you have aged in a whole week.

Cindy: It’s more fun in here with you. Can’t I help?

Alice: Well, I’m just about finished here, honey. Then I got to do my hair and my nails, and iron my dress. Sam’s taking me to a dance tonight.

Cindy: I like Sam.

Alice: Yeah, me too.

Cindy: You going to marry him?

Alice: I sure am. The question is is he going to marry me?

(The doorbell rings and Alice goes to answer it. Cindy is picking at the bowl with her finger and tasting it. The postman is at the door.)

Postman: A registered letter for Alice Nelson.

Alice: That’s me.

Postman: Oh, sign right here.

(Alice signs while Cindy is still tasting the bowl. The phone rings.)

Cindy: I’ll get it, Alice.

Alice (still at the door): it’s from the Everpressed Fabric Company. It must be about the contest. (She starts to open the letter) I’m so nervous.

Cindy (answering the phone): Hello. Oh, hi Sam. this is Cindy. Alice is at the front door with the postman.

(Alice opens the letter and reads it. She won the contest.)

Alice (excited): I won. I won!

(She gives the postman a hug.)

Cindy (on the phone); She’s hugging the postman.

(Meanwhile, Alice is back at the door.)

Cindy: I’m positive. She’s hugging the postman.

Alice: I won! I actually won something! Isn’t that beautiful.

(She’s still hugging him.)

Cindy: I’ll go call her.

Postman: Oh, congratulations.

Cindy: Why don’t you want me to tell it’s you? (Pause) Okay, I promise I won’t tell. Bye.

(Alice comes in with her award letter.)

Alice: Hey Cindy, guess what. I won a prize in the jingle contest.

Cindy: Oh, that’s neat. What did you win?

Alice: They’re going to let me now. Oh, I can’t wait to tell Sam tonight.

(She walks away excited while Cindy looks on, not knowing what to say. The scene fades.)

untitled punished for tattling

(The next scene has Mike and Carol practicing golf in the living room.)

Mike (missing): Whoops.

Carol: That’s too bad Uh, let me show you. Maybe if you just kind of bend your…

Mike: Oh, come on here. It was a break in the carpet and no comment from the gallery.

Carol: Yes, yes, I know.

(Alice comes out all dressed up.)

Alice: Ta-dah, ta-dah. How do I look?

Carol: Well, would you settle for radiant?

Mike: Well, I prefer breathtaking.

Alice: Well, I wouldn’t want to start an argument between you two, so why don’t we just settle on breathtakingly radiant. (Carol gives her a smile) I wonder what’s keeping Sam, he’s usually right on time.

Mike: Oh, he’s probably getting himself all slicked up. It isn’t every night a fellow can take out a contest winner.

Alice: I haven’t told him yet, I’m saving it for a surprise.

Carol: Well, I know one certain party who was surprised.

(She motions over to Mike.)

Mike: Alice, look, if I could remember what I said, I would eat every word, syllable by syllable, I would eat it.

Carol: Alice, you have no idea what you won?

Alice: Only that it’s one of five prizes, they’re going to let me know. (She looks at her watch) Sam is never this late.

Carol; Well, why don’t you call him.

Alice: Yeah, yeah, call him.

Mike: Maybe he got stuck in traffic or something.

Carol: Or maybe he stopped to buy you some flowers.

(Alice gives Sam a call.)

Alice (talking into the phone): Sam, where are you? (Pause) Well, I know you’re home. You answered the phone. (Pause )Why aren’t you here? (Pause) You’re not coming. What about the dance? (Pause) Let the postman take me? What is that supposed to mean? Sam, Sam? (Sam hangs up and Alice is left clueless.) He’s not coming.

Carol: Alice, what was that about the postman?

Alice: I don’t know.

Cindy (coming down the stairs): Isn’t anyone coming up to kiss me good night?

Mike: Yeah, honey, in just a second.

Alice: I just don’t understand what’s gotten into Sam.

Cindy: He sure was sore this afternoon.

Carol: Cindy, when did you speak to Sam?

Cindy: He phoned, when Alice was at the door hugging the postman. Maybe that’s what made him mad.

Alice: I was hugging the postman because I won the contest… how did Sam know that?

Cindy (sheepishly): I told him.

Mike: Oh, Cindy.

Carol: Alice, why don’t you and I go in the kitchen and call Sam back. Maybe between the two of us, we can straighten this thing out.

Alice: Oh, please, Mrs. Brady, Sam is just so jealous.

(They walk out to the kitchen.)

Mike: Yeah, I think the time has come for a little one-sided discussion here. Hop up there. (Cindy sits on top of a chair) I want you to listen to me very carefully. Cindy, you know you’ve done a very bad thing with your tattling.

Cindy: Yes, Daddy.

Mike: I know it’s difficult for a little girl to know what to say and what not to say. Grown-ups have that same problem. But you have to learn when to keep quiet.

Cindy: But what if someone asks me where Mommy is? Can’t I tell them?

Mike: Yes, of course you can.

Cindy: Even if she’s hugging the postman?

Mike: Cindy, the point is that you are not to tattle about other people’s business anymore. Now, I mean ever. Because if you do, you’re going to be punished. Is that clear?

Cindy: Yes, daddy.

Mike: Good, I hope so.

(She gives her a light slap on the lap and Carol comes back out.)

Carol: Well, we just spoke to Sam, everything’s fine. he’ll be right over.(She turns to Cindy) And as for you, young lady.

Cindy: Daddy already told me.

Carol: Well, I hope you were firm enough, Mike.

Cindy: He was.

(Marcia runs down the stairs after Tiger.)

Marcia: Tiger, give me back my paper! That hairy thief, he took it right off my desk!

(She goes back upstairs.)

Mike: That does it, if that hound snitches one more thing, I’m going to ship him off to Siberia.

Cindy: Would you really do that to Tiger, Daddy?

Carol (sternly): Never mind about Tiger, just remember what your father told you.

Cindy: Don’t worry, Mommy, I’ll neve tell on anyone again.

Mike: Yeah, well, I’d like to believe that.

Carol: I’ll believe it when I don’t hear it.

(Upstairs, Marcia and Jan are doing their homework.)

Jan: Marcia, what are the seven wonders of the world?

Marcia: Seven wonders?

Jan: I’ve got six so far.

(Cindy comes in looking unhappy.)

Jan: What’s the matter?

Marcia: What happened downstairs?

Cindy: I can’t tell you. It’s tattling.

Marcia: if Cindy won’t tattle, there’s your seventh wonder.

Jan: Come on, Cindy. You can tell us.

Cindy: I can’t, because it might get someone into trouble.

Marcia: Who?

Cindy: Me and someone else.

Marcia: Who?

Cindy: I can’t tell you!

Jan: Gee, it looks like she’s really changed.

Cindy: Now that I won’t tattle anymore, will you tell me some secrets?

Marcia: We’ll see. let’s not rush into anything.

(The next scene has Cindy playing jacks in the living room with Tiger. The doorbell rings.)

Cindy: Don’t you steal any jacks now, Tiger. (She gets up to answer the door) Who is it?

Postman: Postman.

(She grabs a chair and climbs it to look in the hole. She sees him and opens the door.)

Postman: Registered letter for Alice Nelson.

Cindy: She isn’t here, and I can’t tell you anything else, because I’m not a tattletale anymore.

Postman: Well, you’re a very good girl. Can you sign your name?

Cindy: Uh-huh.

Postman: Good, you can sign right here, and you can give the letter to Alice Nelson.

Cindy: Okay, but I never not give you a hug for it.

Postman: Aw, I guess it’s just one of my unlucky days. (He takes her signature and hands her the letter) Thank you.

Cindy: Bye. (She sets the letter down and resumes playing jacks. Tiger takes the letter and runs off with it) Tiger! Tiger! If you steal one more thing, Daddy might send you to Siberia. Tiger, come back! (She chases Tiger outside. He goes into his doghouse as Carol and Alice come back from shopping) Tiger, they better not catch you with that letter.

Carol: Hi, Cindy. Alice, can you manage?

Alice: Shopping’s getting rougher all the time. First you run out of money buying it, then you run out of arms carrying it home.

Carol: Cindy, what are you doing?

Cindy: Looking for my ball.

Alice: There’s a rubber bone in here someplace for Tiger, maybe it will help curb his appetite for taking things, Tiger!

Cindy: I think he’s kind of busy.

Carol: Well, come on honey, come on in the house. You can help us unpack.

(Mike comes in the front door as the phone rings.)

Mike: Is anybody going to answer that? (The phone rings again) I guess I am. (He picks it up) Hello, yeah, who? Oh, yeah, I’m sure she wants to talk to you. Hang on a second, I’ll see if she’s home, Alice! (He puts the phone down as Carol, Alice and Cindy come in with the groceries) Alice, telephone.

Alice: Got it, Mr. Brady.

Carol (to Cindy): Honey, put this in Mommy’s sewing basket. Will you, please?

Cindy: I have to find Tiger.

Carol: You can do that later dear. Go on.

(Cindy leaves and Mike comes out.)

Mike: It’s the Everpressed Fabric Company.

Alice (picking up the phone): Oh, it must be about the prize. I wonder what I won.

Carol: Well.

Alice: Maybe it’s a trip somewhere. Maybe it’s a fur coat. Maybe it’s a car!

Carol: Alice.

Alice: What?

Carol: Why don’t you ask the man on the phone.

Alice: Yeah, yeah. (She gets on the phone) Hello? Hello. Sorry to keep you waiting. This is Alice Nelson. What did I win?  (She gets excited) What? (She drops a bag of groceries.) Oh, I’m sorry.

Mike: You keep talking, I’ll get it.

Alice: I really won a hi-fi stereo set? What do I have to do to get it? Uh, wait just a second. (She writes down) Yeah, uh, Lloyd’s Stereo Center. Yeah, I know where it is. Yeah, all i have to do is present the certificate you sent me. That sounds simple enough. Wait a minute, what certificate you sent me? You didn’t send me a certificate. (She turns to Mike and Carol) Did I get another registered letter?

Carol: Not that I know of.

Alice (back on the phone): Well, maybe the mails are a little slow. What’s that? (She gets upset) It does? Well, thanks for calling anyway.

(She hangs up.)

Mike: What is it, Alice?

Alice: Well, you know that certificate I didn’t get?

Mike and Carol: Yeah.

Alice: I got to get it to Lloyd’s Stereo Center before midnight tonight before it expires.

Carol: Boy, they sure give you a lot of time.

Alice: If I don’t show up, they keep the prize.

Mike: Well, there’s still a few hours left to find out what happened to that certificate.

Carol: Yeah, hey, you know, maybe it’s stuck in the mailbox. Remember the time a letter did that?

Alice: Maybe the same thing happened to my letter.

Carol: Come on, Alice, let’s look.

Mike: I’ll put the groceries away.

(They head into the living room and Cindy comes down the stairs.)

Carol: Oh, wait a minute, Cindy, do you know anything about a registered letter for Alice?

(Cindy nods.)

Alice: You do, where is it? Did the postman leave it?

(Cindy nods.)

Carol: What did you do with it?

Cindy: Nothing.

Carol; Where did you put it?

Cindy: I didn’t put it. I just took it.

Carol: Well, where is it?

Cindy: You mean exactly?

Carol: Exactly.

Cindy: I don’t know.

Alice: Well, how about approximately?

Carol: Cindy, please. What happened to the letter?

Cindy: But I can’t tell you.

Alice: Sweetheart, I have to know.

Cindy: But I promised not to tattle anymore.

Carol: Well, look dear, this is different. I give you permission to tattle.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, would you order her to tattle?

Carol: Look, Cindy, this letter is very important to Alice. Now, where is it?

Cindy: But I can’t tell you, because it may get Tiger into trouble.

Alice: Tiger! (Cindy puts her hand over her mouth) We might have known.

(Alice is searching Tiger’s doghouse and finds the letter.)

Alice: Aha, I got it!

Carol: Oh, good.

Alice: Got it, Mrs. Brady! With the holes he chewed, it’s gonna look like an IBM card.

Carol: Come on, let’s get it open. (They open it up) Oh, Alice, oh, the certificate’s fine.

Alice: I’ll get down to the store right away. You mind if I take the car?

Carol: No, not at all. (Alice rushes to the car and gets in the driver’s seat) Alice! (Carol goes over to the car) Alice.

Alice: I know, I know, I forgot one little thing. I don’t know how to drive.

(She motions for Mrs. Brady to get in and moves over to the passenger seat.)

(That evening, Carol,  Alice, Cindy, Greg and Marcia are admiring the stereo set, which Alice put in the family room.)

Marcia: It’s beautiful, Alice.

Greg: It’s really terrific.

Carol: Alice, it’s so nice of you to let us keep it in here.

Alice: This way, the whole family can enjoy it.

(Mike comes in with a record album.)

Mike: Hey, have I got a record for you. Wait till you hear it.

Greg (guessing): The three Baboons and Elsie?

Marcia (guessing): The Egg Beaters?

Mike: No, this is music.

(He sings a line from Gilbert and Sullivan’s A Wandering Minstrel I.)

Carol: Mike, Mike, how about the record?

Mike (taking it out of the bag): The best of Gilbert and Sullivan.

Marcia: Is that a new group?

(Carol laughs.)

Mike: New group? These songs have lived for almost a hundred years. Thank you very much, can we play it, Alice?

Alice: Oh yeah, you bet. (She notices something on the stereo) Hey, who’s been playing with this? They left the amplifier on.

(Cindy starts to walk away.)

Mike: Cindy, did you do that?

Cindy: No, and please don’t ask me who did. I’m not gonna tattle on my mommy.

(Carol starts to walk away but Mike stops her and everyone laughs. the scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Alice counting jelly beans from a huge bowl. She is up to 4,518 and Carol and Greg come in.)

Carol: Hi, Alice, what are you doing?

Alice: It’s a contest.

Carol: Oh no, not another one.

Alice: I could win it, I’m on a lucky streak, one in a row.

Greg: A jellybean contest?

Alice: Yeah, that market on Eighth Street has got a big barrel full of them. You have to guess how many. They got some great prizes.

Greg: I like the green one.

Carol: I’ll take the yellow one.

Alice: Ah, ah, no, not while I’m counting, please. (They put them back) I’m trying to win something for Cindy for not tattling anymore.

Carol: Oh, that’s very thoughtful of you, Alice. But I’ll bet these jellybeans cost more than the prizes are worth.

Alice: They have some pretty nice things, dollhouses, bicycles.

Greg: Wow. You know, this looks like a million of them.

Alice: I figure there are about 40 bowlfuls in that barrel. So all I have to do is fill up this bowl once and multiply it by 40, simple.

Carol: Why don’t you just multiply it half full and multiply it by 80.

Alice: Don’t confuse me, now, where was I? Uh, 4,518. Or was that 5,418? You must have heard me counting when you came in. Which one was it?

Greg: 5,418.

Carol: No, I think it was 4,518.

(Alice empties the bowl and counts again from scratch. Carol takes a yellow jelly bean.)

                                     THE END

untitled tiger steals

S2 E9 The Not-so-ugly Duckling

untitled clark tyson

The Not-so-ugly Duckling

Written by Paul West

Jan’s first crush is a boy named Clark Tyson. However, he decides he likes Marcia better, causing Jan some self-esteem issues. Hope you enjoy the review.













(The episode begins with Jan and her classmate, Clark Tyson, doing homework in the family room. )

Jan: Clark.

Clark: Huh?

Jan: This map of the United States I’m drawing looks kinda weird.

(Clark comes over to look.)

Clark: Oh, it would look better if you hadn’t forgotten Baja, California.

Jan: Yeah, I guess that would help.

(Jan goes out to the kitchen to get a snack.)

Carol: How’s the homework going?

Jan: Terrific. Clark’s so wonderful. So super. I can’t believe it.

Alice: I’ll take one just like him in the big economy size.

(She goes back in to resume her homework.)

Carol: Little girls are so funny. Jan was so worried she’d have a boyfriend.

Alice: Well, let’s face it. 11 years old. She’s not getting any younger.

Marcia (coming in the kitchen): Mom, have you or Alice seen my math book?

Alice: I think it’ in the family room, Marcia.

Marcia: Thanks.

Carol: Marcia, honey, Jan and Clark Tyson are in there studying.

Marcia: I won’t disturb them. (She walks in the family room) Hi.

Jan: Hi. Clark, this is my sister, Marcia. This is Clark Tyson.

Clark (friendly): Hi!

Marcia: Hi.

(Clark looks at Marcia with admiration.)

Jan: We’re studying for a geography test tomorrow.

Marcia: Well, I’ll get right out of your way.

Clark: No hurry. (Marcia gets her book and leaves) Wow, you’ve got a neat sister.

Jan: You think so?

Clark: Wow, how did you get a sister like her?

Jan: Just lucky I guess.

(Jan gets depressed as the scene fades out. The next scene has her coming home from school.)

Jan: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: How was your day?

Jan: Just terrible. The worst, just the worst. I’m so mad I could…oh, am I mad!

Mike: Something happen at school?

Jan: Something didn’t happen at school. Clark didn’t even look at me. I saw him at lunch, and I passed him in the hall five times.

Carol: Maybe he had something else on his mind.

Jan: He sure did, Marcia.

Mike: Marcia?

Jan: Yes, Marcia. It’s all her fault.

(She goes upstairs to her room.)

Mike: What’s Marcia got to do with Clark?

Carol: Well I’m not sure, but I think our blue-eyed daughter has been smitten by the green-eyed monster.

(Upstairs, Marcia is combing her hair when Jan comes in.)

Jan (smugly): Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest one of all.

Marcia: Hi, what’s with you?

Jan: What I want to know is, what’s with you and Clark Tyson?

Marcia: Who?

Jan: Don’t pretend you don’t remember, after what you did yesterday, when Clark and I were studying. And you came slinking in.

(Jan tries to imitate the way Marcia walked in.)

Marcia: Oh, him, your little friend at school.

Jan: He’s not my little friend from school, he’s taller than I am and he’s the best looking boy in my class. You came in there on purpose just to turn on your icky old charm.

Marcia: Are you kidding? Why would I be interested in him? He’s only a child and I’m a woman.

Jan: He’s not a child, he’s 12.

Marcia: You’re being ridiculous. All I did was walk into the room and pick up my book.

Jan: Well, if that’s all, why did his eyes nearly pop out of his head?

Marcia (smiling): I can’t help it if his eyes popped.

Jan: you were trying to steal my boyfriend and you know it.

Marcia: I just came in for my book.

Jan: Then why did he drool over you and pay no attention to me?

Marcia: Jan, if boys don’t find you attractive, don’t blame it on me.

(Marcia turns around to continue combing her hair. Jan leaves the room upset. Carol and Mike come in.)

Carol: Marcia, what is going on between you and Jan?

Marcia: I don’t know, Mom. She came in here accusing me of stealing her boyfriend. Imagine, a mature person like me trying to steal a 12 year-old.

Mike: Well, you must have done something, honey.

Marcia: Not a thing, honest. Yesterday when she was studying with Clark, and I went in to get my book, I said hi. Now what’s wrong with that?

Carol: Well, it all depends on how you said it. Hi or hi.

Marcia (laughing): Mom, there’s nothing more than sibling rivalry. (Mike and Carol look confused) That means competition between brothers and sisters.

Mike: Oh, gee, I’m glad you cleared that up. As long as you’re smart enough to know what it means, let’s see if you’re smart enough to help put a stop it.

Marcia: I’ll do everything I can, but it’s really up to Jan.

(Next, Jan goes in the boys’ room to talk to Greg.)

Jan: Greg.

Greg: Yeah?

Jan: You busy?

Greg: Yeah. What do you want?

Jan: I need some advice.

Greg: Okay. (He sits down at the desk) Shoot.

Jan: It’s about boys.

Greg: I thought you shrewd females knew all about us poor, dumb guys.

Jan: Well, this is for a friend of mine. (She sits on his bed) You see, she met this real cute guy and everything was groovy. Until then, all of a sudden, she lost interest. Why would a guy do this (Pause) to my friend? Just lose interest.

Greg: Maybe she’s using the wrong kind of toothpaste.

Jan: I’m serious, Greg.

Greg: Well, how should I know? The guy probably found something about her he didn’t like.

Jan: Such as what?

Greg: Well, maybe she’s got a face that’d scare snakes.

Jan: She has not?

Greg: Is she too fat?

Jan (looking at her stomach): No.

Greg: Too thin?

Jan: No.

Greg: Then it’s got to be her crummy face. Who is it?

Jan: Just some unfortunate girl. Thanks, Greg.

(Jan leaves and we see her in the bathroom in the next scene.)

Jan (looking in the mirror): Yuck! It’s my crummy face. Greg was right. Rotten freckles.

(The next scene has Mike and Carol in the kitchen. Mike smells something.)

Mike: Cinnamon cookies!

Alice: They’re Jan’s favorites. I thought I’d make some to cheer her up.

Carol: Well, I guess a shattered romance can be pretty rough at that age.

Mike: Oh, yeah, I remember when I was 10 or 11, I had a big crush on a girl. Had three teeth missing in front.

Carol: You or the girl.

Mike: No, the girl. Yeah, she was all gums but I loved her. Threw me over for a kid who could whistle through his nose.

(He demonstrated how the kid did it.)

Carol (laughing): Oh, Mike.

Alice: I once had an offer of marriage when I was seven. Looking back I should’ve taken it.

(Jan comes in the kitchen.)

Jan: Mom, can I go to the store, please?

Carol: Well, don’t be long, dear, dinner’s almost ready.

Jan: Who can eat?

(She leaves.)

Carol: I wish there was something we can do to make her feel better.

Alice: Maybe we can give her some of her birthday presents in advance.

Mike: Hey, better than that, how about a surprise birthday party.

Carol: Wonderful. A party’s a sure cure for the blues.

Alice: With balloons and steamers and cake and ice cream and everything?

Mike: The works!

(Next, Alice rounds up the other kids to plan the party.)

Alice: Now, this is a very important meeting. High-level, top secret stuff.

Greg: Jan isn’t here yet.

Alice: That’s the whole point. We’re planning her surprise birthday party for Saturday night.

Marcia: A surprise party?

Bobby: Neat-o.

Greg: What do you want us to do?

Cindy: We’ll do anything?

Peter: Just tell us.

Alice: Cindy, you’re in charge of putting the candles on the birthday cake. You know how many to put on?

Cindy: Sure, I can even count high enough to put candles on your cake.

Alice: That many candles would be against the fire laws.

(The kids laugh.)

Alice: Marcia, you have the honor of baking the cake.

Marcia: Oh, great. Let’s see, I’ll bake a double chiffon, orange, three layer, upside down, with pink frosting and peppermint sherbet filling.

Alice: Bobby, you’re gonna be in charge of blowing up the balloons.

Peter: That’s a good job for him, he’s a windbag.

(Bobby makes a gibberish comeback.)

Alice: Greg, you and Peter will be in charge of the decorations. Balloons, paper steamers, all that jazz. Now, any questions?

Bobby: Who’s in charge of the ice cream?

Alice: Oh, that’s my department.

Bobby: Want to trade? You can blow up balloons and I can be in charge of the ice cream.

Alice: Are you kidding? That would be like putting a mouse in charge of cheese.

(Bobby looks bummed and Cindy laughs.)

(The next scene has Jan down at the drug store, disguising herself in a veil and sunglasses. The clerk comes to greet her.)

Clerk: Something for you, young lady?

Jan: Oh, I was just looking around. Do you have any kind of, um, well, something to get rid of freckles?

Clerk: Freckles?

Jan: It’s for a friend of mine.

Clerk: For a friend of yours, hmmm. I suppose these freckles she has are a real big problem.

Jan: They’re ruining her life.

Clerk: Oh, that’s too bad.

Jan: Making her a social outcast.

Clerk: Oh, that is a shame. Pretty girl, I suppose, if it wasn’t for those old freckles.

Jan: Well, she’s not bad looking. I mean, not really ugly or anything, it’s just…

Clerk: Those old freckles.

Jan: I can see you understand.

Clerk (laughing): Indeed I do.

Jan: Well, is there anything I can, I mean, she can use?

Clerk: Well, there’s some creams and ointments, but I wouldn’t recommend them. (Jan gets bummed.) You might suggest to your friend that a little lemon wouldn’t hurt. And stay out of the sun, too.

Jan: I sure will. Thank you.

(The clerk laughs and she leaves. Next, Bobby and Cindy are in the girls’ room hiding Jan’s presents.)

Bobby: We got to hide these birthday presents someplace where Jan won’t look.

Cindy: Hey, how about under my bed.

Bobby: Sure.

(They put them under the bed but they hear Jan come in.)

Bobby: Yikes!

Cindy: Get under the bed!

(Jan comes in the room with a bowlful of lemons. She cuts one up while Bobby and Cindy look on.)

Bobby (to Cindy): What’s she doing with lemons?

(Jan puts one half of the lemon on her face.)

Cindy: I guess she wants sour skin.

(She takes the bowl and goes into the bathroom with it. She rubs the lemon on her face some more and she hears Greg and Peter come in.)

Peter: You should have seen the neat girl Clark Tyson and I walked home with. her name is Jenny Wilmer. Talk about cool.

Greg: Yeah, I saw her. She’s not bad.

Peter: She’s really neat. All the guys in my class are flipped.

Greg: Well, I only saw her from a distance.

Peter: She’s even better up close. Crazy eyes, and lots of freckles. Boy, do they make her look out of sight.

(Jan looks at herself in the mirror.)

Jan: There goes your last excuse. It isn’t the freckles, it’s just dumb old you.

(She starts to cry as the scene fades out.)

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(The next scene has Bobby coming down the stairs just as Mike and Carol were about to call the kids for dinner.)

Carol: Bobby honey, would you mind telling everybody dinner is ready?

Bobby: Okay, but what’s the matter with Jan? She sure is acting funny.

Mike: In what way?

Bobby: Well, first she rubbed a lemon on her face, and then she started crying.

Carol: Lemon?

(They go upstairs to talk to Jan. She’s laying on her bed looking morose.)

Carol: Jan. Dinner’s about ready.

Jan: I’m not hungry.

Mike: Hey, hey, what’s the problem? Come on, let’s talk about it.

Jan: There’s nothing to talk about.

Mike: Jan, you’ll only make it worse keeping it to yourself.

Jan: Nobody understands.

Carol (sitting on the bed beside her): Oh, I think we do, Jan. Clark Tyson’s just one boy. One of these days you’ll meet another one.

Mike: You sure will. Hundreds of them.

Carol: You mustn’t feel left out because you don’t have a boyfriend now.

Jan (rising): But I do have a boyfriend.

Mike: Oh, you do.

Jan: He’s one of the nicest boys in the school. And he thinks I’m super cool.

Carol: Oh, that’s wonderful Jan. What’s his name?

Jan: His name is George.

Carol: George what?

Jan: George, uh, (she notices a glass on the other side of the room) Glass. George Glass. I’ll go wash up for dinner, I’m starved.

(She goes to wash up. Carol and Mike are a little skeptical.)

Carol (to Mike): A minute ago, she was never going to eat again. Now she’s starved and has a new boyfriend.

Mike: Hmm, well, go figure out a woman. Even her size.

(They leave the room as we move on to the next scene. Peter is showing Carol and Mike a psychedelic painting he made for Jan as a birthday gift.)

Mike: Wow, that’s pretty wild.

Carol: Way out.

Mike: That’s really something.

Carol: What is it?

Peter: A painting.

Mike: Yeah, the idea has occurred to us.

Peter: I painted it for Jan’s birthday Saturday.

Carol: Oh, she’ll love it, Peter. But you may have to explain what it is.

Peter: It’s supposed to be an elephant walking through some woods.

Mike: Oh, yeah, of course, it’s an elephant.

Carol: Oh, sure, I can see it clearly now. There’s the old elephant right there.

(She points at something on the picture.)

Peter: That’s a clump of trees. the elephant’s over here.

(He taps to where he imagines it is.)

Mike: Oh, well, with this light in here, it’s kind of hard to see.

(The next scene has Jan walking through the kitchen and sees Carol.)

Jan: Hi, Mom.

Carol: Hi, honey. How’s the new boyfriend?

Jan: Huh?

Carol: George.

Jan: Oh, George. terrific. Every day at school he carries my books and my tray in the cafeteria. He’s out of sight.

Mike (coming in): I’m home. (He sees Jan) Hi, pumpkin.

Jan: Hi, Daddy.

(He hugs her and pats her butt. She heads upstairs and runs into Greg and Peter.)

Peter: Hey, what doe she look like?

Jan: Who?

Peter: George, your new boyfriend.

Jan: Oh, he’s sort of tall and dark and handsome.

Greg: How come you never said anything about him?

Jan: I don’t go around blabbing. What’s so unusual about having a new boyfriend?

Greg: It just seems funny you never said anything about him.

Peter: Yeah, how come he never phones or anything?

Jan: Don’t worry, he will.

(She goes upstairs and into the parents’ room. She gets on the phone.)

Jan: Hello, operator? Will you call back on 762-0799? There may be something wrong with our bell. Thank you.

(She leaves the room and goes down the stairs, just as the family is getting ready for dinner. The phone rings and Greg heads over to get it.)

Jan (rushing to the phone): I’ll get it.

Greg: Sure.

Jan: Hello. This is Jan. Oh, hi, George. It’s so thoughtful of you to call. Excuse me, George. (She gets off for a minute to talk to peter and Greg) Do you mind? this is a personal phone call. Yes, George. I’m listening.

(Mike goes over to Greg and Peter.)

Mike: Okay, you guys.

(He gets them to give Jan her privacy. We move to the next scene, with the family at the dinner table.)

Marcia: The other girls were absolutely green with envy when this real cute boy started talking to me.

Mike (laughing): What boy? Gordon?

Marcia: Oh, Dad. I’m talking about Tommy.

Carol: Oh, Mike. You’re out of it. Gordon was weeks ago.

Greg: You need a computer to keep up with her boyfriends.

(Alice comes out to serve more food. Jan rushes to the family room.)

Jan (to Alice): We forgot the pickles.

Alice: Well, I’ll get them.

Jan: No, I’ll go.

(She gets on the phone and calls the operator again.)

Jan: Hello, operator, we’re having trouble with our phone. Will you call back at 762-0799, please. Thank you.

(She goes out to join the family and Alice goes back in the kitchen.)

Alice: Hey, where are the pickles?

Jan: I guess we’re out of them. (She sits down for dinner and the phone rings again.) I’ll get it.

(She gets up and almost bumps into Alice, who comes out to serve biscuits to the family.)

Alice: Ah, I’ll put up a sign saying watch out for housekeeper crossing highway.

Carol: Oh, thanks, Alice.

Alice: Here you go, Greg.

(Jan rushes to the phone.)

Jan: Hello. Oh, hi George. Sure I can talk. It’s so sweet of you to call, George.

(Alice sees this and goes out to the family to announce Jan’s newfound romance.)

Alice: King George is back on the line.

Greg: His father must own the phone company.

Marcia: Boy, is he giving her the rush.

(The next scene has Mike in his den. Carol comes in to see him.)

Carol: Mind an interruption, dear?

Mike: No.

Carol: I have an inspiration.

Mike: Bring it in, I can use one.

Carol: Well, you know how crazy Jan is about George.

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: Well, why don’t we invite him to her birthday party. That way, she’d have a double surprise.

Mike: Hey, you’re right. that is an inspiration. Of course, we’ll have to find George without letting Jan know.

Carol: Right. Well, I’ll round up the other kids and put them on his trail.

(The next day, Peter comes home and sees Carol, who’s in her room.)

Peter: Hi, Mom.

Carol: Hi, honey. How did it go? what about George?

Peter: I couldn’t find him. There’s no George in Jan’s class.

(Later on, Marcia comes home and sees Mike in his den.)

Marcia: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hi, honey. Oh, wait a minute. What’s the word on George?

Marcia: A mystery, dad. Really?

Mike: What do you mean?

Marcia: I checked in the attendance office. There’s no George Glass in the whole school.

(Mike looks surprised. Carol and Greg come in with more news.)

Carol: Well, Mike, the mystery of George deepens.

Mike: Oh, yeah, how do you mean?

Greg: I covered this whole area, and there’s no George Glass in this part of town.

Mike: Well, that’s strange.

Greg: Sorry.

Carol: Well, you tried, Greg.

(Greg leaves the den.)

Carol: Mike, are you thinking the same thing I’m thinking?

Mike: Mmm hmm, there’s no George Glass, period.

Carol: Exactly.

Mike: Why honey? Why this problem with boys? She’s bright and attractive.

Carol: I wish I knew. We’d have to ask a boy.

(The next scene has Clark in the kitchen.)

Clark: What did you want to ask me about, Mrs. Brady? (Carol hands him a dish of ice cream) Thank you.

Carol: Well, Clark, we’ve been curious about something. And since you’re in Jan’s class, we thought you might be able tot ell us.

Clark: Well, I’ll try.

Carol: It’s about Jan. How do the boys feel about her?

Clark: They all like her.

Carol: They do.

Clark: Yeah, she’s a real good guy.

Clark: Guy? Clark, Jan is a girl.

Clark: Yeah, but she doesn’t look too much like one. She doesn’t wear groovy clothes and all that kind of stuff.

Carol: You don’t say.

Clark: She’s a swell guy.

Carol: Thanks, Clark. I get the picture.

(The next scene has Peter and Clark outside playing catch, while Peter is helping Marcia  washing the car.)

Clark (to Peter): Good arm.

(Mike comes out with a camera.)

Marcia: Dad! No pictures, I look terrible!

Mike: I’ll make sure to keep you off-camera. (He turns around) Okay, let’s go, Jan.

(Jan comes out wearing a nice dress and Mike takes her picture. Clark is so impressed he drops the ball and looks in bewilderment and admiration. Peter and Marcia look on happily.)

Jan (coming up to Clark): Hi.

Clark: Gee, I didn’t even know it was you.

Jan: Yeah, this (the dress) is kinda dumb, isn’t it?

Clark: What’s so dumb about it? I think it’s cool.

Jan: You mean you like it?

Clark: Yeah, I like it. You make a great looking girl. Wow!

Jan: Gee, thanks.

(Everybody around looks on happily. The next scene has Jan coming home to her surprise party. All her guests come out and yell happy birthday and surprise. Marcia hugs her while the other kids throw confetti on her while Mike and Carol look on with delight.)

Clark (coming up to her): Happy Birthday, Jan.

Jan: Oh, gee, thanks Clark. (She goes up to Carol and Mike.) Mom, Dad, it’s terrific. I couldn’t have been more surprised.

Mike: Yeah. One thing, though. How about George?

Jan: Oh, it doesn’t really matter. I’ve given George up. To me, he doesn’t even exist anymore.

(The scene fades. the final scene has the party going on while Mike and Carol are cutting the cake for guests.)

Carol (to a guest): A piece for you. Just one second.

(Mike gives the kid a scoop of ice cream.)

Mike: One scoop coming up. Wham-o.

(Another guests comes for more cake.)

Carol: Seconds? Well, that must be good cake. There you go.

Mike (scooping him ice cream): Wham-o #2. (He throws away the empty ice cream carton while having a small piece of the cake)  That’s good. (He turns to Carol) have you tasted this?

Carol: Yeah, it’s thick and rich and gooey. (She takes another taste) Just the way I love it.

Mike: Well, I think the party’s a swinging success.

Carol: Yep, one down, two to go.

Mike: What do you mean?

Carol: Well, first, Marcia had a boyfriend problem, then it was Jan. Cindy’s next.

Mike: Cindy? She’s only 8 years old. She won’t be interested in boys for (Pause) a couple weeks yet. (They notice a boy kiss Cindy’s cheek) I think I’d like to amend that prediction.

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                                               THE END



S2 E8 A Fistful Of Reasons

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A Fistful Of Reasons

Written by Tam Spiva

A bully named Buddy Hinton teases Cindy because of her lisp. Peter tries to stop him but gets a black eye instead. Hope you enjoy the script.











MR. HINTON, Buddy’s father

MRS. HINTON, Buddy’s father.

(The episode begins when Cindy comes home and wipes a tear from her eye. She goes through the kitchen to go upstairs. Alice is in the kitchen.)

Alice: Hi, Cindy, did Bobby come home with you? (Cindy walks by without answering) Where’s Bobby? Did he stay at the playground?

(Carol comes in the kitchen.)

Alice: You know, I think I just got snubbed, by Cindy.

Carol: Cindy?

Alice: Mmm hmm.

Carol: Oh, that’s not like her, Alice.

Alice: No, I guess she’s got something else on her mind.

Carol: Oh, I’m sure that’s it.

(Cindy goes to her room and cries as the scene fades out.)

(The next scene has Carol calling the kids for dinner.)

Carol: Come on everybody, dinner’s ready! Come on.

(Peter comes down the stairs first. Bobby follows and then Marcia.)

Mike (to Carol): Maybe we ought to stick a traffic light in there.

(Marcia starts passing by them.)

Carol: Where’s Jan and Cindy?

Marcia: Jan’s getting washed and Cindy won’t come down.

Mike: Won’t come down, why?

Marcia: She won’t say. In fact, she won’t talk at all.

(Mike and Carol go upstairs to see Cindy. She’s laying on her bed sideways. When they knock, she gets up and pretends she is studying.)

Carol (coming in the room with Mike); Cindy, aren’t you coming to dinner?

(Cindy shakes her head no.)

Mike: Don’t you feel well, sweetheart?

Carol: You didn’t hurt yourself, did you?

(Again, she shakes her head no.)

Mike: You angry with one of your sisters? (She again gives the no gesture) One of your brothers? (Again she motions no)

Carol: Cindy, honey, won’t you tell us what’s the matter?

Mike (sitting on the bed): Cindy, you know, whatever the trouble is, we can’t help you if you don’t talk to us.

(Carol sits on the bed with her and Mike.)

Carol: Honey, what is it?

Cindy: They said I talk funny.

Mike: They what?

Cindy: They said I talk like a baby.

Carol: Who said?

Cindy: The kids at school, especially that mean old Buddy Hinton. He always teases me because I lisp.

Mike: Well, that shows you what they know. Did you know a lot of children lisp?

Cindy: They do?

Mike: Why sure? I think in your case it’s just a lazy s.

Cindy: A lazy s.

Mike: Mmm hmm.

Carol: Listen, I used to lisp when I was a little girl, but now I say things really swell.

Mike: You know, I bet we can do something to help you get over that lisp.

Cindy: What?

Mike: Well, you know those tongue twister books of Bobby’s? We can pick out some with a whole lot of s’s in them, and you can practice them. All right?

Cindy: Sure, let’s do it now.

(Mike laughs and they go downstairs for dinner. The next scene has Cindy practicing with Mike and Carol in the family room.)

Mike: Silly Sammy Skunk sat on a stump.

Cindy: That’s an awful lot of s’s.

Mike: I know, that’s the point, now you try.

Cindy: Silly Sammy Skunk sat on a…

(Cindy looks discouraged)

Carol: Let’s try this one, honey. Seven silver swans swam silently seaward.

Cindy: Seven silver swans swam silently… it doesn’t sound any better.

Mike: Well now, honey, you can’t expect a change right away.

Carol: That’s right. Listen, I think you had enough for tonight. Why don’t you go upstairs and get ready for bed, okay?

Cindy: Okay.

(She kisses Mike good night.)

Mike: Now listen, Cindy, now don’t give up now. You keep practicing, hmm?

Cindy: Okay, and soon I’ll speak swell.

Carol: Good night, honey.

(Cindy kisses her good night and goes upstairs.)

Mike (to Carol): Say, did you really lisp as a child?

Carol: I sure did. Only it was worse for me.

Mike: How come?

Carol: Well, I grew up in Swampscott, Massachusetts.

(She and Mike laugh. Alice is going over a few tongue twisters with Cindy in the next scene. Alice, however, has a harder time with the s’s than Cindy.)

Alice: Umm, all right, now let’s try this one. She sells seashells by the seashore.

(Cindy gets them all wrong.)

Alice: That’s not quite right. Listen again, honey. She shells sh… Sea sells… She shells… Well, you know Cindy, I’m really kind of busy. I have to get ready for shupper.

(Next, the boys are helping Cindy.)

Peter: Sss.

Cindy: Shh.

Greg and Bobby: Sss

Greg; All right, now, say the word.

Cindy: Thailboat!

(The boys look dejected. Cindy is next in her room practicing, with Marcia doing her homework.)

Cindy (in her lisp): She sells seashells by the seashore. She sells seashells by the seashore. She sells by the seashore.

Marcia: Cindy, would you mind practicing somewhere else? Arithmetic is kinda hard.

Cindy: So are s’s.

(Marcia gives a frustrated look. Cindy resumes practicing. We cut into the next day, with her continuing to practicing at school.)

Cindy: Seven silver swans swam silently seaward. Seven silver swans swam silently seaward.

(Buddy Hinton is standing at a tree stump.)

Buddy: Baby talk, baby talk, it’s a wonder you can walk.

Cindy: You stop that, Buddy Hinton.

Buddy: Stop that. Aw, witty bitty baby talk. Let’s hear witty bitty baby talk say something. Come on, say something.

(Peter gives an angry look and rushes to Cindy’s defense.)

Peter: Cut that out, Buddy!

Buddy: Baby, baby, what did you say?

Peter: Quit teasing my sister!

Buddy: You want me to quit, then you make me! Come on, make me! (He pushes Peter) Come on, scaredy cat, make me!

Peter: Well… just stop teasing, that’s all. (He walks away) Come on, Cindy. just don’t pay any attention to him.

Buddy: Baby talk and scaredy cat. hey chicken, hey Peter chicken.

(Later on, Peter is in his room, sulking over what Buddy said, while Cindy is trying to console him.)

Cindy: Some chickens are nice, Peter.

Peter: Come on, Cindy.

(Greg and Bobby come in the room.)

Greg: Cindy, do you mind? We have to talk to Peter, and it’s man’s business.

Bobby: Yeah, man’s business.

(Cindy leaves the room and closes the door. Greg takes peter aside.)

Greg: We heard all about what happened in school, that goon, Buddy Hinton. He’s been shooting his mouth off all around your school.

Bobby: He says you’re chicken.

Greg: Well, what happened.

Peter: What did he say happened?

Greg: He said you chickened out of a fight.

Peter: I didn’t chicken out of any fight. I just didn’t feel very much like fighting, that’s all.

(Greg and Bobby look at him with disbelief. Mike comes home.)

Mike (to Carol): Hi, honey.

Carol: Mike, would you go right up and talk to Peter?

Mike (setting his briefcase down): That’s one nice thing about having six kids, you can always come home to a crisis.

Carol: Well, Peter’s really feeling low.

Mike: What happened?

Carol: Well, you know that boy, Buddy Hinton, who’s always teasing Cindy.

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: Peter told him to stop and, well, the boy wanted to fight and Peter didn’t. So the boy called Peter a chicken, and…

Mike: And I better go up and talk to Peter.

(He takes some dishes Carol just washed and gives them to her to put away. He takes his briefcase and goes upstairs, where Greg and Bobby are trying to encourage Peter to fight.)

Greg: You got to, Peter, you got to fight him.

Peter: Have you guys taken a look at Buddy Hinton lately? He’s big.

Greg; He’s not so big.

Peter: Maybe not to you, but he’s big to me.

Bobby: He looks kind of big to me, too.

(Mike walks in the room.)

Greg: If you don’t fight him, everybody’s gonna call you a coward.

Peter: Dad, does it make me a coward if I don’t fight a guy?

Mike: No, of course not. Are you kidding?

Greg: Well, if he bothers her again, I know how to handle him.

Mike: Oh, just a second, Greg, this is Peter’s problem, and fighting isn’t the answer to everything. If it were, why, the biggest and the strongest would always be right. That doesn’t make any sense, does it? (to Peter) Did you try reasoning with Buddy Hinton? Explaining to him why she shouldn’t tease Cindy?

Peter: He wasn’t exactly in a talking mood.

Mike: You might have tried, anyway. Reasoning, calm, cool reasoning. That’s a lot better than violence, and it’s the only sensible way to settle differences, okay. (he turns to leave the room) Clean up before dinner.

Peter: Dad’s right. If Buddy starts teasing Cindy again, I’ll just reason with him.

(The next day at school, Peter and Cindy run into Buddy again.)

Buddy: Well, if it isn’t baby talk and her big brother, chicken.

Cindy: You leave us alone.

Buddy (to Peter): What about you, chicken, have you learned how to cackle yet?

Peter: Cut it out, Buddy.

Buddy: Baby talk, baby talk.

Peter: I told you to stop teasing.

Buddy (moving closer to Peter): make me!

Peter: Fighting’s dumb, Buddy.

Buddy: Oh, is that so?

Peter: Yeah, let’s try reasoning together.

(The next scene has Peter at home in the kitchen with Mike, Carol and Alice, sporting a black eye.)

Peter: Buddy isn’t much on reasoning.

Mike (checking his eye): You mean he took a poke at you while you were still talking to him?

Peter: I didn’t get very far.

Carol: Well, I think that’s terrible. Just what kind of a boy is this Buddy Hinton?

Peter: Well, he’s a good hitter.

(Alice goes to the refrigerator and gets a raw steak.)

Alice: Here, put this on your eye.

Peter: What is it?

Alice: Well, it’s Tiger’s dinner, but I think it’s going to do you a little more good than it will him.

(Peter puts the steak over his eye. Mike gives an angry look.)

Mike: That settles it!

(He starts to walk toward the door.)

Carol: Wait a minute, Mike! Mike! Where are you going?

Mike: To talk to Buddy Hinton’s father. We can’t have this going on all the time.

Carol: Now, you’re not going over there to get into a fight.

Mike: Of course not. I’m just going to reason with him. Reasoning, calm, cool reasoning.

(Mike arrives at the Hinton house. Mr. Hinton is outside working on the barbecue.)

Mike: Mr. Hinton?

Hinton: That’s right.

Mike: Hi, I’m Mike Brady, I’m Peter’s father.

(They shake hands.)

Hinton: Oh, how’s your kid’s eye?

Mike: Well, he’s got a real shiner.

Hinton: Too bad your kid don’t know how to fight.

Mike: Yeah, well, that’s what I’m here to talk to you about. (Pause) I suppose you know what’s been going on.

Hinton: Sure, my kid tells me everything.

Mike: Did Buddy tell you that he hit Peter when he was just trying to talk to him?

Hinton: He’s just sore because he doesn’t know how to fight.

Mike: Did Buddy tell you the whole thing got started when he was teasing my youngest daughter?

Hinton: So what, kids are kids, they’re always picking on each other.

Mike: Well, you don’t care if Buddy picks on little girls, I mean, little, little girls.

Hinton (defensive): Look, I don’t tell my kid who to pick on?

Mike: Maybe you ought to tell him not to pick on anybody.

Hinton: What are you trying to do, preach to me?

Mike: No, no, I’m just trying to discuss this in an adult manner.

Hinton: Well, don’t tell me what to do. Buzz off. off my property. Or would you like to be helped.

Mike: You think you can do that? I’m not a little girl, you know.

(Hinton gets up and mike finds he is a few inches taller than him.)

Hinton: You, I can handle.

Mike: You, I’d like to see try. (Mike hears his inner voice repeating his claim of just going to reason with Mr. Hinton. Mike looks up.)  Oh, shut up.

(Mike walks away in disgust. He comes home and tells Carol about his encounter.)

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Mike: No wonder Buddy Hinton acts like that, his father’s twice as bad.

Carol: What happened?

Mike: He couldn’t care less if his son beats up on people, or teases little girls. That’s just fine with him.

Carol: Oh, Mike, he couldn’t be that unconcerned.

Mike: From now on, Peter has my permission to defend himself.

Carol: You mean you want the two boys to fight?

Mike: No, honey, I don’t want them to fight, but if Buddy Hinton starts pushing Peter around, then he doesn’t have to stand there like a,a,a, sitting duck.

Carol: Stand there like a sitting duck?

Mike: Sit there like a sitting duck. What’s the difference? The point is, from now on, Peter can defend himself.

Carol: You’re as bad as Mr. Hinton.

(She gets up.)

Mike: Where are you going?

Carol: To talk to Mr. Hinton.

Mike: What good will that do?

Carol: You men are always fighting, it’s your make ego. Woman are different. We’ll just sit calmly and work everything out, you’ll see.

(She winks and goes out. Later on, she is having a talk with Buddy’s mother.)

Mrs. Hinton: You are so right, Mrs. Brady. I couldn’t agree more.

Carol: Oh, I knew you would, Mrs. Hinton. I’m sure we can settle this little misunderstanding very simply?

Mrs. Hinton: How would we do that?

Carol: Well, you could just talk to your husband about your son.

Mrs. Hinton: Oh, I couldn’t do that.

Carol: Why not?

Mrs. Hinton: Well, that’s man’s business. If I poke my nose in in hat, Ralph would be terribly upset.

Carol: You men you won’t talk to your husband?

Mrs. Hinton: Ralph has very strong opinions about raising boys.

Carol: Yes, I’m aware of that.

Mrs. Hinton: If I try to talk to him about Buddy, he tells me, buzz off, and of course, I buzz off.

Carol: Well, uh, Mrs. Hinton, I…

Mrs. Hinton: Whatever Ralph thinks is fine with me.

Carol: Well, surely, you must have some feelings on the matter, Mrs. Hinton.

Mrs. Hinton: Oh, I listen to Ralph. And I think you’d be well advised to listen to what Ralph has to say too, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Frankly, I don’t care what Ralph has to say, Mrs. Hinton.

(Mrs. Hinton gives Carol a mean look. Carol’s conscience repeats back what she said about them sitting calmly and working the matter out.)

Carol: Oh, shut up.

(She gets up and leaves and goes home. Mike is laying on the living room couch when she gets there.)

Mike: Hey.

Carol: You’re right, Mike. You’re absolutely right. From now on, if Peter has to, then let him defend himself.

Mike: Didn’t you have your little woman to woman talk with Mrs. Hinton?

Carol: Oh, I tried, but she’s as bad as her husband.

Mike: I take it negotiations fell through.

Carol: Negotiations, I was the only one negotiating. It was absolutely terrible. It was Ralph this, Ralph that, she couldn’t say anything for herself, everything was Ralph.

Mike: Honey, listen, wait a minute, I’ll negotiate with you anytime.

(He puts his arms around her.)

Carol: Well, I don’t care. I can’t understand a woman being that dependent on her husband.

(Upstairs in the boys’ room, Peter is showing Greg and Bobby some punches he’d wish to give to Buddy Hinton.)

Peter: Pow! Right in the kisser! That’s what I’d do to Buddy Hinton, too bad Mom and Dad are patching things up.

Greg: Yeah, Buddy could stand a good licking. It might stop him from being such a bully.

Bobby: You sure you could lick him?

Peter: Are you kidding?

Bobby: Last time he gave you a black eye.

Peter: That was just a lucky punch.

Greg: How many punches did he throw?

Peter: One.

Bobby: Boy, how lucky can you get.

(Peter pretends to throw some more punches.)

Peter: Twist and roll, twist and roll! Boom, boom, boom.

Bobby (throwing a punch): Boom, Buddy Hinton!

Peter: If I could just get another crack at him, I’ll wipe him out.

Mike (coming in the room): Hi, fellas.

Greg: Hey, Pete’s just showing us how he’s going to take Buddy Hinton.

Bobby: Pete could wipe him out.

Mike: That’s what I’m here to talk to Peter about. Listen, um, your mother and I haven’t been able to get very far with Buddy’s parents, and, well, if Buddy starts a fight again, I think you have the right to defend yourself.

Bobby: Hurray, that’s great!

Greg: Hey, that’s great, Pete. You’re going to get your big…

Mike: I want you to try to reason with him, if that doesn’t work, and he starts something, well (Pause) That’s different.

(Peter looks discouraged and sits on the bed.)

Greg: What’s the matter, Pete.

Mike: Uh, listen, you fellas excuse me for a minute. I want to talk to Peter. I want to make sure he understands.

Bobby: Oh, Dad. We don’t have to do, oh please, Dad, come on.

Greg: Come on, Bobby.

(He and Bobby leave the room while Mike has a talk with Peter.)

Mike: Well, uh, I just thought maybe you might have, uh, something you want to talk to me about. (He sits down besides Peter.) Go on, you can talk.

Peter: I guess not.

Mike: Huh, nothing?

Peter: You know, Dad, I guess I really, I guess I really am a coward.

Mike: Why? You mean because you’re a little bit frightened? Ah, the bravest men in the world get frightened. Heroes get frightened, Peter.

Peter: Honest?

Mike: Why, sure they do. You know, standing up for what you believe is right, and knowing you may have to defend it, that can scare anybody, adults included.

Peter: There’s something else, Dad. I’m really not a very good fighter. I’ve never been in a real fight.

Mike: Well, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. (Bobby starts peeking through the door.) You get out of here. There comes a time when you have to learn to defend yourself.

Peter: Can you teach me?

Mike:  Yes, yes, I… well, I could if you want me to.

Peter: Yes, please.

Mike: All right, okay, look, from now on, from now on, you’re gonna be in training. And in a couple of weeks, Buddy Hinton’s not gonna be able to lay a glove on you.

Peter: You think so?

Mike: I’m positive.

(Peter starts to look worried.)

Peter: What if Buddy starts training, too?

(Mike laughs and pats Peter’s head. The next scene starts with a fight bell ringing and has Peter and Greg practicing boxing. Mike and Bobby are sitting down while is coaching Peter.)

Mike: That’s it, Peter. Jab and move, jab and move.

Peter: It’s not working. Every time I jab, he moves, and every time I move, he jabs.

Mike: Don’t get discouraged, it takes practice.

Bobby: It might help if Peter kept his eyes open.

(Mike looks over at Bobby and raises his hand as a warning signal. This allows Peter to get a jab at Greg. Next, we hear another bell ring as Peter is jumping rope and Marcia goes to join him.)

Marcia: Can I play, too?

Peter: It’s not a game.

Marcia: We skip rope in gym class all the time. (She starts to jump.) Cinderella, dressed in yellow, went upstairs to kiss a fellow. How many kisses did she get?

(She jumps and counts up to eight while Peter stops and looks at her annoyed.)

(Next, the bell rings again and Peter is in the kitchen with Alice. She’s wearing boxing gloves and showing Peter some moves.)

Alice: Keep moving. At all times it’s very important to keep moving. It’s very difficult to hit a moving target. Remember that. (She moves around the kitchen showing him more moves.) You watching? You watching? Now, this is called the old buzz saw defense. Don’t tell me you never saw that before.

Peter: Never.

Alice: The trick is, the trick is to get their attention on this fist, and then, see, like that? (She punches with the other fist.) Watch, got it? Okay. (She throws around some more punches, then looks in the pot to make sure it was all right.) Keep moving, to get their attention on this hand.

(Mike comes out and Alice accidentally punches his stomach. He walks away in pain.)

(Next, another bell rings and Peter is practicing again with Greg.)

Mike: That’s it, Peter. you got it.

Bobby: That’s great, Pete.

Mike: Yeah, you got it, now. Keep your chin tucked in. Jab, jab, cross! Cross with the left! Yeah, yeah, keep moving, keep moving.

(The bell rings one final time as Cindy is on the staircase and Peter goes down the stairs.)

Cindy: Seven silver swans swam silently seaward. Seven silver swans swam silently seaward. Seven silver swans… (Peter passes by.) Are you going to the kitchen again?

Peter: All this training makes me hungry?

(Peter passes by and heads to the kitchen.)

Cindy: Oh, Peter.

Peter: Yeah?

Cindy: You don’t have to fight Buddy Hinton for me. I’m not afraid of his teasing anymore.

Peter: How come?

Cindy: I’ve been practicing, now I speak really swell.

Peter: Well, don’t worry. If he starts any trouble, I can handle him.

Cindy: Are you sure?

Peter: Sure I’m sure, I think.

(The next day at school, Peter and Cindy are walking with a bunch of other kids in tow.)

Peter: What are all these kids following us for? They don’t walk home this way.

Cindy: I guess they wanted to watch.

Peter: Watch what?

Cindy: The fight.

Peter: How do they know there might be a fight?

Cindy: I guess maybe I mentioned it.

Peter (annoyed): Ah, Cindy.

(Peter, Cindy and the other kids walk by Buddy, who’s hanging out at his tree stump.)

Buddy: Well, if isn’t baby talk and the chicken again. Hey chicken, let’s hear you cackle.

Peter: Let’s not start this again, Buddy.

Buddy: I want to hear you cackle chicken, come on.

(Buddy makes chicken sounds to him.)

Peter: That’s dumb, why don’t you just cut out all the teasing.

Buddy (to Cindy): Hey, baby talk. Itsy bitsy itsy bitsy baby talk.

Peter: Cut it out.

Buddy: What are you going to do about it?

Peter: Let’s reason, let’s talk about it.

Buddy: Shut up or fight.

Peter: Don’t you want to talk about it?

Buddy: You heard me, shut up or fight.

Peter: Okay, if that’s the way you want it. (He gives Cindy his books to hold and raises his fists) I’m ready.

Buddy: You asked for it.

(He goes to hit Peter but he ducks, then Peter punches Buddy in the mouth and knocks him down.)

Peter: Gee, Buddy, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I really didn’t.

Buddy (crying): You knocked my tooth loose.

Peter: I did what?

Buddy: It’s loose, it’s loose, see how it wiggles?

Cindy: Sure talk funny.

(All the other kids laugh.)

Buddy: Stop it! It’s not funny!

Cindy (mimicking Buddy): Baby talk, baby talk, it’s a wonder you can walk.

(All the kids laugh some more and Buddy gets up and runs away.)

Peter (to the laughing kids): Don’t do that. It’s not funny. Go on, get out of here.

(All the kids go home and Peter gets his books back from Cindy.)

Cindy: Why shouldn’t we tease him?

Peter: For the same reason you didn’t like him teasing you.

Cindy: I guess you’re right. You know Peter, you’re very brave.

Peter (smiling): I am? Aw, come on. Let’s go home.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike and Carol in the living room when the doorbell rings.)

Mike (getting up): I’ll get it, I’ll get it.

(He goes to answer the door and it’s Buddy Hinton.)

Buddy: Hi.

Mike: Hi.

Buddy: Mr. Brady.

Mike: Uh huh.

Buddy: Can I come in, please?

Mike: Um, well, sure.

Carol (giving a surprised look): Hi, I don’t believe we know you, do we?

Buddy: Yes, ma’am, I think maybe you do. I’m buddy Hinton.

(Carol looks at him astonishingly.)

Mike: Well, um, what can we do for you Buddy?

Buddy: I want to see Cindy.

Carol: May I ask why you want to see her?

Buddy: Well, I wanted to know if I wanted to borrow her tongue twister boo. I thought it might help me with my loose tooth.

Carol: Of course, you can see her, and I’m very glad you’re all friends now.

Mike: Well, Buddy, have you learned anything valuable from this experience?

Buddy: Sure have, Mr. Brady, Peter’s got a good left hook.

(Mike and Carol laugh.)

Mike: Yeah, he has.

untitled buddy's front tooth

                                      THE END

S2 E7 The Treasure Of Sierra Avenue

untitled $1100

The Treasure of Sierra Avenue

Written by Gwen Bagni and Paul Dubov

The boys find a wallet with $1100 and refuse to share with the girls. That causes a major problem in the brady household, that is, until, the rightful owner claims it. Hope you enjoy the script.











MR. STONER, man who loses wallet

(The boys are playing football in a nearby vacant lot. They set up the spot to kick off and Bobby huts the ball to Peter, who passes it to Greg. Greg throws it to Bobby, who is wearing a helmet and can’t see underneath it, causing him to miss it. Greg and Peter run over to him.)

Greg: Bobby, keep your eyes open.

Bobby: They are, but it’s dark under here. (Greg grabs the ball from him) Hey, I didn’t get to run.

Peter: That’s because you lost the ball. the other side’s got it now.

Greg: Why don’t you sit down, Bobby. Go out, peter.

(Peter runs to the other side and Greg throws it.)

Bobby: I want to play.

Greg: Okay, chase the ball.

(Bobby goes after the ball and finds a wallet right next to it.)

Greg: Hey, let’s have it.

Bobby: Wow, look what I found.

(Greg picks up the wallet and finds a large amount of cash inside.)

Peter: Wow!

Greg: it’s full of 10s and 20s and 50s, a fortune!

Bobby: Now aren’t you glad I played?

(The scene fades out and into the next scene, where the boys are in the kitchen with Carol, counting the money, with Alice looking on. Greg has the bills in separate piles while he finishes counting.)

Greg: 850, 900 (to Peter) Hey, don’t touch. 950, $1,000 (Carol whistles) 1,050.

Bobby: Boy, that’s a million weeks allowance.

Carol: Whoever lost it must be out of their minds with worry.

Greg: $1,100.

Alice: Wow. For that kind of loot I’ll tape my trick knee, form a league and play every vacant lot in town.

Carol: Oh, I can’t imagine who would carry this much cash around. There must have been a very special reason.

Greg: Mom, that’s the third time you went through that. There’s no identification in there.

Carol: Well, Greg, it has to belong to somebody.

Bobby: Yeah, me.

Peter: You?

Greg: Why you?

Bobby: Because I’m the one that found it.

Peter: Well, I’m the one who missed it so you could find it.

Greg: I’m the one who threw it so you could miss it so he could find it.

Carol: And I’m the one who’s your mother, so can I get into this argument?

Greg: Please, Mom, we all found it.

Peter: So it belongs to all of us.

(Carol reaches for the phone)

Bobby: Uh-uh, finders keepers.

Greg: I’m the one who said let’s go to the lot in the first place.

Carol (dialing the phone): Greg.

Greg: Yes, Mom?

Carol (on the phone): Hello, Mr. Brady, please?

Greg: What are you calling dad for?

Carol: I just thought you’d like to tell your father that you and your brothers struck gold, and how you’re going to share it.

Greg (taking the phone): Sure.

(Mike is at his office when his phone rings.)

Mike (answering): Brady.

Greg: Dad.

Mike (preoccupied): Yeah, Greg, what’s up? Anything wrong?

Greg: Oh no, everything’s groovy.

Mike: Look, I’m a little jammed up right now.

Greg: Dad, you’ll never guess what happened.

Mike: Greg, could it wait till later?

Greg: Well, I suppose it could, but see, we were playing football in a lot, and we found $1100.

Mike: Um, that’s fine, Greg. Look, I’ll talk to you later. Give my love to your mother, okay? Good-bye. (He hangs up but suddenly, it dawns on him.) $1100.

(Next, Alice is upstairs in the girls’ room, discussing the matter.)

Alice: And that ain’t hay, what is it you kids call money nowadays? Bread? That is  a lot of bread. (Cindy starts to run out of the room.) Hey, where are you going?

Cindy (excited): Downstairs to see the bread!

Alice: Hey, wait a minute, you’re not finished yet!

(Jan goes over to her desk to figure out how much they get if the money was divided.)

Jan: Let’s see, now, you bring down the two, that’s two sixths, and that’s six thirds. We can let the boys have that.

Alice: And what are you figuring, Lady Einstein?

Jan: Well, you divide $1100 by 6, that’s $183.33 cents, for each of us, and a third.

Alice: If you’re so good at figuring, how come you only got a C+ in math?

Jan: This isn’t math, this is money.

Alice: And you think the boys are gonna want to share.

Marcia: Why shouldn’t they?

Jan: Sure, you know what Dad’s only saying about a family should be one for all and  all for one.

Marcia (smiling); And we’re one big happy family, we’re their loving sisters and they’re our loving brothers.

Jan: Besides, we’re giving them the two extra pennies, aren’t we?

Alice: Oh, you girls are generous to a fault.

Marcia (sitting on her bed): Wow, that’s $183.33 for each of the six of us.

(Meanwhile, the boys are in their room figuring as well. Only they plan to only split the money between the three of them and exclude the girls. They have Bobby blocking the door so the girls can’t get in.)

Greg: Let’s see now, that’d be $366.66 for each of the three of us.

Peter: 3 goes into 11.

Greg: Hey, don’t worry, I got it right.

Peter: Hey, you can’t divide 1,100 by 3.

Greg: Why not?

Peter: There’s stuff left over.

Greg: Two thirds of a cent.

Peter: Well, that’s money, let’s flip for it.

(The girls knock on the door.)

Greg: Who is it?

Marcia: It’s your loving sisters.

Greg: Oh, let them in.

(Bobby removes the chair and opens the door.)

Marcia: That’s sure a lot of money.

Greg (grabbing it): Yeah.

Jan: What were you blocking the door for?

Peter: Well, with all this money around…

Greg: Yeah, what happens if nobody were home while we were all at school

Peter: And some crooks break in.

Bobby: Or robbers.

Greg: We were trying to hide a good, safe hiding place.

(Marcia puts her arm around Greg.)

Marcia: That’s a good idea, brother.

Jan: We wouldn’t want anything to happen to our money.

Greg, Peter and Bobby (in unison): YOUR MONEY?

Greg: It’s our money.

(Greg puts the wallet under his pillow.)

Jan: You mean you won’t share it?

Marcia: With your loving sisters?

Cindy: We all love each other, and that’s a lot of bread.

Peter: Gee, none of you were even there when we found it.

Jan: We’d share the money if we found it!

Greg: we wouldn’t expect you to.

Marcia: Well, if the Brady boys are going to be selfish, then the Brady girls just aren’t going to talk to them!

(They start to leave the room.)

Mike (coming in the room): Well, it’s going to be mighty difficult living in the same house not talking to each other, isn’t it?

Marcia: But it’s not our fault, Dad!

Jan: We’d share!

(The kids all start arguing.)

Mike: HOLD IT! I’m going to put an end to this problem, here and now. (to Greg) The wallet, please.

(Greg gets the wallet and hands it to Mike.)

Greg: What are you going to do with it, Dad?

Mike: I am going to turn it over to the police department. Because that’s where people usually go when they lose something, hoping that somebody honest is going to turn it in.

Peter: Even if there’s no identification?

Mike: Peter, I.D. or no I.D., we know it’s not ours, don’t we?

Marcia (gleefully): You’re absolutely right, Dad.

Jan: I couldn’t agree more.

Cindy: Me too.

(They turn to leave.)

Mike: Good bye, girls.

(They all say good bye.)

Greg: But what if nobody claims it, then it’s ours, isn’t it?

Mike: Now, look, Greg.

Greg: Well, isn’t it?

(That night, Mike and Carol are in the room further discussing it.)

Mike: If nobody claims it.

Carol: Well somebody will, of course.

Mike: Yeah, but that’s not the point. I don’t like what the money is doing to the boys.

Carol: Well, the girls aren’t helping any by not talking to them.

Mike: Well, I suppose that’s my fault. After all I’ve said about all for one.

Carol: Well, let’s not be unfair to the boys. I mean, after all they are the ones who found the money.

Mike: You know what? You’re bending over backwards to favor the boys.

Carol: Well, you’re doing a little bending yourself, Mr. Brady. Now, what I think we should do with the money is…

Mike: Yes, Mrs. Brady?

Carol (laughing): I’m as bad as the kids. The money doesn’t even belong to us.

Mike: That’s what I keep saying. Somebody will claim it, and as for the kids, well, you know how they are. In no time, they’ll forget they weren’t speaking, see.

(They kiss good night. The next morning, Carol and Alice are preparing breakfast for the kids.

Carol: Well, that takes care of the juice, Alice. Now if you can handle the cereal department, I’m gonna see what’s going on upstairs.

Alice: Right.

(Bobby comes down wearing a cowboy hat.)

Carol: Howdy partner.

Bobby: Howdy ma’am.

Alice: You ready for chow?

Bobby: Yep.

(Bobby sits down and Alice gives him some oatmeal. Jan and Cindy come down.)

Jan: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi.

Cindy: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi.

Bobby: Hi.

Cindy: Hi. (Pause) We’re not supposed to talk.

Bobby: I can talk if I want to.

Cindy: okay, but I’m not talking to you.

Jan: That’s what you are doing, Cindy.

Cindy: I was not. (she turns to Bobby) Was I?

Alice: Look, let’s have a little less not talking and a little more eating.

(Marcia and Peter come in.)

Marcia: Good morning, Alice.

Peter: Good morning, Alice.

Alice: Morning.

(Marcia is looking in the refrigerator while Peter tries the same thing right behind her.)

Alice: You here for looking or eating?

Peter: Alice, can you tell some people they’re blocking the refrigerator and other people are hungry?

Alice: Marcia, your brother says will you please excuse him.

Marcia (angry): Some people are not only selfish, you won’t even wait their turn.

(Marcia shuts the refrigerator door but Peter opens it and grabs a slice of ham.)

Peter (to Alice): Hey, where’s Greg? He wasn’t upstairs.

Alice: He’s on the phone.

(Peter goes in the family room, where Greg is talking on the phone.)

Greg: Okay, well, I was just wondering. Thank you very much. That’s a lot of money, I’ll keep in touch. Good-bye.

(He hangs up and then notices Peter.)

Greg: Oh, hi Pete.

Peter: Who were you talking to?

Greg: The police. I wanted to see if anybody picked the money up.

Peter: Well, did they?

Greg: No, it’s still there.

Peter (excited): That means maybe we’re gonna get it.

Greg: Don’t count on it. (He shows him the newspaper.) Read this.

Peter (reading the paper): Found, brown and white cocker spaniel. So what does that got to do with it?

Greg: No, no, no, the next one.

Peter: Oh. (He reads the next column) Lost, brown wallet.

Greg: That’s it.

Peter: Containing large sum of money. reward. (to Greg) What did you have to go and read that for?

Greg: I couldn’t help it. The paper was sitting right here by the phone.

Peter: There’s a number to call.

Greg: I know.

Peter: Gee, if only we hadn’t looked at it.

Greg: But we did.

Peter: Yeah.

(Greg gets up and starts to ponder.)

Greg: If we call we could lose the money. Should we call or shouldn’t we? That’s the question.

Peter: What’s the answer?

Greg: I don’t know.

(The scene fades. The next scene is a continuation of their discussion.)

untitled alls well ends well

Greg: Are you with me?

Peter: All the way.

Greg: You know the consequences.

Peter: Yep.

Greg: Okay, we call.

Peter: Don’t give it away now, make him tell you exactly where he lost it. And how many $50 bills there were.

Greg: I will. I will. (He picks up the phone) How many bills were there?

Peter: I don’t know.

Greg (on the phone): Sir, I’m calling about the lost wallet you advertised. (Mike comes in) And if you’ll just tell me what it looks like. Brown, huh, it’s worn, old, lots of bills. (He starts to get excited when it turns out to be the wrong one.) $220? Sir, I’m happy to tell you, I mean, I’m sorry to tell you, but this isn’t your wallet. Good bye.

(He hangs up.)

Peter: Boy, it sure pays to be honest.

Mike: Yeah, it sure does, and I’m proud of both of you, but I already called that ad.

Peter: you called.

Mike: Mmm hmm, that’s why the paper’s near the phone.

Greg: You know something, Dad, I feel it. That money’s going to be ours

Mike: Mmm hmm, it might.

Peter: Might? It’s already been a whole day.

Greg: And nobody even called the police, I checked.

Mike: Well, people don’t always go to the police. That’s why I put an ad of my own in the paper.

Peter: You put one in?

Greg: About our money?

Mike: About the money you found.

Greg: What did you say in the ad?

Mike: Well, just whoever lost a wallet, call us up and identify it. (Peter and Greg look unhappy) Now that ought to bring results.

(The next scene has carol putting a couple of trays of ice cubes in the refrigerator when the phone rings. The blackboard tells the number of times people called to claim the wallet. Carol sets the trays down and answers the phone.)

Carol: Hello. Yes. Could you describe it? Mmm hmm, mmm hmm, mmm hmm, uh uh, wrong wallet.

(Carol hangs up and tries again to put the ice cube trays in the freezer. She writes down another false claim on the board and drops the eraser. She tries to put the trays back in the freezer but the phone rings again.)

(Next, Alice is on the phone tearfully telling the caller that their claim is also false.)

Alice (sniffling): Yes, that is a lot of money and I’m sure you do need it. I’d like to help you, I really would. Well, it just isn’t the wallet we found. I’m sorry, I’m really very sorry. (She hangs up.) Darned onions.

(She adds to the blackboard another false claim and continues to peel the onion in her hand. Mike and Carol come in from shopping.)

Carol: Hi, Alice.

Mike: Hey, is something wrong, Alice?

(She shows them the onion she is peeling.)

Carol: Alice, I’ve told you, peel the onions under cold water.

Alice: What and miss a good cry.

(Carol and Mike laugh.)

Mike: Hey, any calls about the wallet?

Alice: Yeah, 18. And some fascinating guesses. Are you ready for plaid cowhide?

Mike: Yeah, got to expect some ding-a-lings, but, I refuse to be cynical.

(Peter and Bobby come in.)

Peter: Hi, Mom, Hi, Dad.

Carol: Hi.

Bobby: Hi, Mom. Hi, dad. is the money still safe?

Carol: Yes, old mighty King Midas.

Peter: We’ll get it nay day now.

(He and Bobby start helping themselves to grapes.)

Mike: Yeah, well, you know then police can hold on to it for a long time.

Peter: The law says 6 months.

Bobby: yeah, 6 months.

Mike (looking at Carol): Oh, really.

Peter: Unless, of course, you assume liability.

Mike: That’s very interesting Peter, go on.

Peter: Well, if you sign for it, we can ask the police to give us the wallet right now, and hold it ourselves 6 months in the bank, and collect the interest.

Bobby: That’s how it works.

Carol: Where in the world did you get all this information?

Peter: Joey’s Dad told me.

Bobby: Joey’s Peter’s friend.

Peter: His Dad picked him up from school and I asked him. He’s a lawyer.

(Bobby nods.)

Mike: Well, we certainly appreciate your checking this out so thoroughly.

Peter: That’s okay. just let me know how you want to handle it, Dad.

(He and Bobby grab a few more grapes and go upstairs.)

Alice: There they go, Howard Hughes and J. Paul Getty.

Mike: I don’t know, all those kids think about is money since they found that wallet.

Carol: And it isn’t even theirs yet.

Mike: That’s what concerns me, what’s going to happen if they get it?

(Marcia is in the family room when Greg tries to borrow something.)

Greg: I need some paper.

Marcia: Just a moment, please. When it comes to sharing in this house, there are certain selfish people in this house who don’t care to.

Greg: I always share paper with you.

Marcia: Not when it’s green, has numbers on it and you find it in a wallet!

Greg: Come on, Marcia.

Marcia: you don’t share with us, stingy, we don’t share with you.

(She takes her books and moves to another room. Peter is in the bathroom combing his hair and Jan comes in.)

Jan: Just what do you think you’re doing?

Peter: Trying to figure out how my hair looks best.

Jan: Combed out all over your face.

Peter: Very funny.

(Peter switches to Jan’s brush.)

Jan: Now, what do you think you’re doing?

Peter: I told you, I’m trying to figure out how my hair looks best.

Jan: I mean, you’re using my hairbrush.

Peter: I always use your hairbrush.

Jan: Not any more, Mr. stingy.

(She puts her hand out for him to give it back.)

(Cindy is on the patio and Bobby comes to join her.)

Cindy: Want a piece of licorice?

Bobby: Yeah!

Cindy: I bet you do.

(She walks away. Mike and Carol see this from inside.)

Carol: it seems to me that things are getting slightly out of hand around here.

Mike: I’m with you, and I’m going to do some straightening out, pronto.

(The kids are in the family room sitting down, awaiting a lecture from Mike and Carol.)

Mike: This is rapidly becoming a house divided and you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Carol: And all because of something you don’t even have.

Mike: Your mother and I share our good fortunes. We share it with all of you.

Carol: Every day.

Mike: It’s about time you pull yourselves together and call a truce to this civil war, and that’s an order.

Greg: Please, Dad, just a minute. (He and the boys whisper to each other.) Okay, we’ll share.

Marcia: You really mean it?

Greg: Yeah.

Peter: Me too.

Bobby: Not me. (Greg and Peter nudge him.) All right, I’ll share.

Carol: A very wise decision.

(She and Mike leave.)

Mike (to Carol): Well, boys might as well learn at an early age that girls are going to cost them money the rest of their lives.

Carol: Oh!

(Back to the family room with the kids.)

Marcia: Thanks Greg, for sharing.

Jan: You too Peter, and bobby.

Peter: Heck, even six ways, it’s a lot of money.

Marcia: Yeah.

Greg (getting up): hey, wow!

All the rest: What?

Greg: It just came to me why Dad called this big meeting.

All the kids; Why?

Greg: He must think we’re going to get the money.

(They all get excited.)

(In the next scene, Mike is in his den when he  gets a phone call.)

Mike: Hello. Yeah, this is Mr. Brady. (He starts laughing) $150 down? No, I’m afraid you got the wrong Mr. Brady.  Mr. Greg Brady? Just a moment. (He yells) GREG!

Carol (coming in the den): Mike, guess who was just at the back door.

Mike: Who?

Carol: One of Peter’s friends. Peter offered to buy his 10 speed bike form him.

(Greg comes in.)

Greg: Yeah, Dad.

Mike: Greg, phone for you. A Mr. Greg Brady has been pricing cars.

Carol (annoyed): Cars?

Greg (on the phone): Hello. Yes, sir. Well, you see, I haven’t got the down payment yet.

Mike (grabbing the phone from him): No.

Greg: Why don’t we just forget it sir, sorry.

(He hangs the phone up.)

Carol: What in the world is going to be next around here?

Cindy (coming in): Can I have a stamp, Daddy? I want to send away for a horse.

Mike: Any questions? (The phone rings) We are not buying anything? (He answers the phone) Hello. Yeah, this is he. They did? That’s wonderful. Yeah, thanks sergeant. (He turns to Carol, Greg and Cindy) The owners have picked up their wallet at the police station.

Carol: Thank goodness, that is the best news I heard all week.

Greg (sarcastically): Yeah, whoopie.

(The disappointed kids are all out in the backyard.)

Marcia: Well, at least there’s one good thing about our not getting the money.

Jan: Name it.

Marcia: No income tax.

Greg: Ho, ho, ho.

Peter: What we got to do is look on the Brightside.

Greg: What Brightside?

Peter: Well, it’s better than not finding $1,100 at all.

(Greg hits him with a beach ball he was playing with. The doorbell rings and carol answers it. It’s the rightful wallet owner, Mr. Stoner.)

Stoner: Mrs. Brady?

Carol: My name is Stoner. I just got my wallet back from the police. They gave me your address.

Carol: Oh, Mr. Stoner, I’m so happy for you. Won’t you come in, please.

Stoner: Well, just for a minute. (He comes in and Carol shuts the door.) Me and the Mrs. have been doing some frantic back tracking the last few days.

Carol: Oh, I could just imagine.

Stoner: I wanted to thank your boys for turning it in.

Carol: Oh, certainly, Mr. Stoner. I’ll just call them. GREG, BOYS!

Stoner: We were driving cross-country and I pulled into that lot to fix a flat. I took off my coat, must have fallen out of my pocket. Sure was stupid not to have any identification in the wallet.

Carol: Well the important thing is, you got your money back.

Stoner: Can’t tell you, Mrs. Brady, how much it means to us. Me and the Mrs. have been saving up for this trip for years.

(The boys come out.)

Greg: Hello.

Peter: Hi.

Bobby: Hi.

Carol: Oh, Mr. Stoner, these are Greg, Peter and Bobby.

(Mike comes out of his den.)

Stoner: You’re fine, honest boys and I want to thank you, and I want to give you a reward.

(He hands Greg some cash.)

Greg: Gee, $100.

Mike: I think that’s a little too much, Mr. Stoner.

Carol: Mr. Stoner,  this is my husband, Mike Brady.

Mike: How do you do?

(He shakes Stoner’s hand.)

Stoner: How do you do?

Greg: Dad’s right, this is too much.

(He hand sit back.)

Stoner: Well, they got to take something. How about $50?

Mike: No, I think that’s still too much. Right, boys?

Greg: I agree, Dad.

Peter: Me too.

Stoner: Well, I’ve got to give them something. How about $20?

(Mike and the boys nod and Stoner hands it to Greg.)

Greg: Thanks, Mr. Stoner.

Peter: Thanks.

Bobby: Thank you.

Stoner: Thanks again, to all of you, from me and the Mrs.

(Carol shows him to the door.)

Peter: Bye, Mr. Stoner.

Greg: Good bye, sir.

Mike: Good bye.

Bobby: Bye.

Carol: We certainly hope you have a nice trip, Mr. Stoner.

Stoner: Thank you.

Mike: hang on to the wallet.

Stoner (laughing): I will.

(The boys sit down, looking unhappy.)

Carol: Well, what’s the matter with you guys?

Greg: What did you settle on 20 for, Dad?

Mike: Because I think it’s enough, Greg.

Greg: It’s too much. 18 is a lot easier to divide by six. (to Peter and Bobby) Let’s go.

Carol: How about those boys?

Mike: Well, it really doesn’t surprise me, honey. (He emulates Mr. Stoner’s midwestern accent.) Me and the Mrs. have a great bunch of kids.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike and carol in their room. Mike comes out of the bathroom and into bed)

Mike: Well, all’s well that ends well.

Carol: Did you just make that up/

Mike: Yeah, it was nothing.

Carol: Well, I still don’t think it was fair that you got the extra two cents when the kids split that $20 reward.

Mike: I was the one who took the wallet to the police station.

Carol: All for one and one for all? Was that just another great saying you made up?

Mike: What did you do? Come on, why should you share?

Carol: Well, I’m the one who gave the boys permission to play football in the vacant lot in the first place.

Mike: Okay, then you can have half of my two cents, and an extra reward.

(He kisses her and she gives back the penny.)

Carol: you can have the penny back, I’d rather have some more reward.

(They share another kiss.)

untitled stoner

                   THE END

S2 E6 Call Me Irresponsible

untitled randy p

Call Me Irresponsible

Written by Bruce Howard

Greg gets his first job working at Mike’s architectural firm in a quest to have enough money to buy a car for his 16th birthday, which is 13 months away. Hope you enjoy the script.









RANDI PETERSON, Greg’s girlfriend

MR. PETERSON, Randi’s father

MR. PHILLIPS, Mike’s boss




(The episode begins with Greg going down the stairs to talk to Mike and Carol about something. He knocks on the door to Mike’s den.)

Mike: Yeah.

Greg: Hey, Dad.

Mike: Yeah, Greg.

Greg: Am I, uh, am I disturbing you?

Mike: No. (He puts his drafting tools down) These could use a rest. What’s on your mind, son?

Greg: I’ve, I’ve got something I’d like to talk to you about.

Mike: Shoot, what is it?

Greg: Well, I think Mom ought to hear it too.

Mike: It sounds important.

Greg: It is. It really is.

Mike: Okay. (He gets up and goes to the window) Carol!

Carol: Yes, Mike.

Mike: If you’re free, could you come in here for a second?

Carol: I’ll be right there, just two minutes.

Mike (to Greg); You, uh, you wanna sit down?

Greg: No, I think I’d rather stand.

Mike: That serious, is it?

Greg: This could be the most important thing I’ve ever had to say.

Mike: Maybe I better sit down.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Greg discussing the matter with Mike and Carol. Greg shuts the door while Mike and Carol are sitting down.)

Mike: Greg, come on, what’s the problem?

Greg: I hope you both noticed I haven’t been getting any younger in the last year or so.

Mike: Yes, we have noticed that.

Carol: Especially in the last year or so.

Greg: Good, because I started to think about my future.

Mike: Good, that’s good thinking. I don’t see the problem, however.

Greg: Well, next month, I’m 15. And 16 is coming up pretty quick, practically, just around the corner.

Carol: Greg, 13 months isn’t just around the corner.

Greg: Yeah, but they go pretty fast when you’re trying to save up for…

Carol: For what?

Greg: Well. (Pause) A big thing in a guy’s life.

Mike (sternly): Just how big is this big thing?

Greg: Pretty big.

Mike: Come on, spill it.

Greg: A car.

Carol (getting up): A car? Oh no!

Greg: Not a new one, Mom, just a used one.

Carol: Look, a car is a car, Greg. Now, I was worried enough when you got a bike. Now really.

Mike: Honey, calm down, it had to happen sometime. (He turns to Greg) I suppose you figured out how you’re going to pay for it.

Greg: Sure, that’s how I got to thinking about my future. Now what I want to do is, start working part-time after school.

Carol: Doing what?

Greg: Something that will help me with what I want to be when I’m grown up. I gave it a lot of thought.

Mike: And what did you decide?

Greg: I decided that I want to be an architect, like you, Dad.

Mike (pleased): An architect, like, like, me.

Carol: Well that’s really very nice, Greg.

Greg: When can I start work where you work?

Mike (laughing): Where I work?

Greg: I thought I could get a job there after school. I’d learn a lot about architecture.

Carol: Well yeah, he’s right, Mike. Well, I think that’s a very good idea.

Mike: Yeah, I guess I could talk to Mr. Philips about that.

Greg: Will you, please?

Mike: Yes, yes, I will.

Greg (shaking his hand): Thanks, wow, I can hardly wait to tell Randy.

Carol: Hey, wait, Randy? Who’s Randy?

Greg: A girl at school. I promised to take her to the first drive-in movie I’d drive into. Thanks again.

(He opens the door and leaves the den. Next, Greg is showing Randy a car in a magazine he’s interested in at a news stand.)

Greg: There it is, that’s the kind of car I’m gonna get.

Randi: Those others are super.

Greg: Pick one out you like and I’ll buy it.

Newsman: Could you buy the magazine first? It only costs 50 cents.

Greg: I already have this one at home. I was just showing her something. When do you get the next issue?

Newsman: Tomorrow. Would you like to leave a deposit?

Greg: I’ll pick one up after work. (He turns to Randy) I mean, if I get that architectural job.

Randy: I think architects are out of sight. What are you going to build?

Greg: I don’t know yet, it’s gonna be something important and big.

Randy: Gee.

Greg: Like pyramids maybe, or even bigger.

Randy: Golly.

(He looks at another magazine.)

Greg: Yep, that’s the kind of car I’m gonna get.

Randy: Can you afford it? It’s brand new.

Greg: Well it is now, but by the time I’m allowed to drive it’ll be two year sold. I like to do my shopping early.

(They leave while the newsman looks on with amazement.)

(That evening, Mike comes home and is greeted by Greg and Carol.)

Greg: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hello, Greg.

Greg: Well.

Mike: Well, I discussed it with Mr. Phillips, and the guys in personnel, and, uh, yo start to work tomorrow after school.

Greg (excited): I do? Terrific!

Carol: Remember your promise, Greg, if your school grades begin to suffer because of this…

Greg: They won’t, Mom, I promise. Dad, what do you think we’ll build together first?

Mike (shocked); Build together?

Greg: Will I be your assistant?

Mike: No, Greg, not exactly. I think probably at first, your duties will center mostly around cleaning up the office.

Greg (disappointed): Cleaning up?

Carol: Greg, you can’t expect to start at the top.

Greg: I know, that’s really the bottom.

Mike: Oh, now, listen, you’re going to be making deliveries on your bicycle. Blueprints, drawings, revisions, and that carries with a great deal of responsibility.

Greg: It does?

Mike: Yes it does.

Greg: Great.

Mike: And you can start by delivering this (his briefcase) to my den. (Greg happily brings it to the den as Mike turns to Carol.) Isn’t that something? He wants to be like his old man.

Carol (jokingly): Yeah, cleaning up around the office.

(Later on, Greg is on the telephone to Randy.)

Greg: And I start working tomorrow, Randy, that car is getting closer by the minute. Well, I guess I’ll talk to you tomorrow. All right, so long.

(He hangs up and then Peter, Jan and Bobby come in.)

Peter: You through? We want to watch TV.

Greg: Hey, I was just coming to look for you guys.

Bobby: What for?

Greg: To let you in on a really good deal.

Peter: Like what?

Greg: My new car.

Jan: What new car?

Greg: The one I’m gonna buy next year. I thought maybe you’d like to save up part of your allowance each week.

Peter: To help you buy a car?

Jan: That you’re not even gonna get for a year?

Bobby: What kind of a deal is that?

Greg: You want to ride in it, don’t you?

(The younger kids all look at each other.)

Peter: Sure we do.

Bobby: After you learn to drive it.

Greg: Well driving takes gas, and gas takes money.

Jan: Why don’t we just save up for the gas.

Greg: Well then you wouldn’t be a partner in the car, and you wouldn’t have the pride of ownership.

Bobby: We’d own the gas.

Greg: Okay, if that’s the way you want it. 25 cents a ride.

(They all look at each other again.)

Peter: You’ve got a deal.

(Greg puts his hand out and the other kids put their hands over his as a gesture of pride and partnership.)

(Next, Greg is down in Mike’s office cleaning a garbage can he just emptied.)

Mike: Uh, Gregory.

Greg: Yes, Dad.

Mike: We just empty them, we don’t polish them.

Greg: Okay.

Mike: But I like your enthusiasm.

(Greg picks up a box and pan and brush and leaves the office. He sees Mr. Phillips, who just came in.)

Greg: Oh, hi, Mr. Philips.

Mr. Philips: Hello, Greg. (He sees Mike) Nice boy. Cleans a mean wastebasket.

Mike: Yeah.

Mr. Philips: Mike, your revised designs for that low-cost housing developments are excellent.

(He hands them to him.)

Mike: Thanks, Mr. Phillips, let’s hope the planning commission thinks so too.

Mr. Philips: I’m sure they will. Just make sure you make duplicates, and you better put a rush on it. There isn’t much time left.

Mike: I’ll get them copied right away. I think Forest Printing does them as fast as anybody.

Mr. Phillips: Right.

(Mr. Philips leaves the office and Mike calls for Greg.)

Mike: Uh, Greg. Come in here a minute.

(Greg comes back in the office.)

Greg: Yes, Dad.

Mike: You can hang up your dust rag, son. I have something more important for you to do.

Greg: Important? Okay, just name it.

Mike: You get these designs over to Forest Printing, 12th and sunset, right away. And, you can go home come there, okay.

Greg: Got you, Dad.

Mike: Greg, be careful with them, they’re important, okay?

Greg: You can count on me.

Mike: Good.

(Greg takes the plans and goes to his destination. On the way, however, Greg is on his bicycle and stops at the same newsstand to buy a new magazine.)

Greg (to the news vendor); Hi, did you get that new issue of car sport?

Newsman: Mmm hmm, but I got some new rules. To look or to buy costs the same, 50 cents.

Greg: I’m buying. I got a job.

Newsman: Well, good.

Greg (looking in his pockets): I got a dollar in here someplace. (He finds it.) Here.

Newsman: Thank you.

(Greg starts looking at the magazine and unbeknownst to him, the tube on the cylinder he is to deliver gets loose, along with the sketches.)

Newsman: Here’s your change.

Greg: Thank you.

(Greg leaves with what’s left of the cylinder. Meanwhile, several passer byers step on the sketches.)

(The next scene is back at the house. Carol is in the kitchen arranging some flowers when Mike walks in and kisses her from behind.)

Mike: Guess who.

Carol: Who cares, do it again. (She laughs and they kiss each other.) Hi, honey, where’s the other half of Brady and son?

Mike: You mean Greg isn’t home yet?

Carol: Was he supposed to be?

Mike: Yeah, an hour ago, he was going to deliver some designs and then come straight home.

Carol: Oh, well, he probably ran into a buddy or something.

Greg (coming in the door): Hi.

(Mike and Carol stand in bewilderment with Greg carrying the empty cylinder with a worried look on his face.)

Carol: What’s wrong, Greg?

Mike: You delivered the designs, didn’t you?

Greg: Well, I got to the place like you told me, and they were gone.

Mike: Who was gone.

Greg: The designs.

Mike (surprised): Gone?

Greg: They must have fallen out someplace when I wasn’t looking.

Carol: You didn’t stop anywhere along the way, did you, Greg?

Greg: No, I mean, only at the newsstand.

Mike (taking the magazine Greg bought): To buy this? You didn’t lose this, did you?

Greg: I’m sorry, Dad.

Mike: So am I, Greg. (He gives back the magazine.) I’d better call Ed Phillips.

(Mike goes in his office and Greg sits down. Carol goes to comfort him.)

Greg: I went back to the newsstand, Mom, and I looked everywhere, honest. I guess someone must have picked it up, or a street cleaner came by or something.

Carol: Well, anyone can have an accident, Greg. But I’m afraid this is going to be a costly one for your father and Mr. Phillips.

Greg: You don’t think I’ll lose my job, do you?

Carol: Well, I hope not. We’ll just have to keep our fingers crossed.

Greg: In baseball they’d never kick a guy off the team just because he made one error.

(Mike is in his den talking on the phone with Mr. Philips.)

Mike: No, I’m sure I can, Mr. Phillips. I’ve got the original sketches here at home. (Pause) Yeah, I think if I work all night tonight, I can have them ready by tomorrow for copy. (Carol walks in) Yes. No, no, I understand. No, I’m sorry, too. Yes, I’ll tell him. Thanks, Mr. Philips. (He hangs up and notices Carol) Oh, if you and Alice keep the coffee coming all night long and whack me with a stick occasionally…

Carol: But Mike, what about Greg?

Mike: Well, Mr. Phillips suggested that I make other arrangements for deliveries from now on.

Carol: But it was his first day.

Mike: Carol, you can’t blame Mr. Philips. Greg had a big responsibility and he blew it.

Carol: But, Mike.

Mike: Honey, please, not now. I have a lot of work to do, huh. Coffee, please, plenty of coffee.

Carol: Yeah, plenty of coffee, and a big stick to whack you with. Just remember, Mike Brady, in baseball, they don’t throw a man off the team just because he makes one fumble.

Mike: That’s not fumble, That’s error, and I know all about that.

(He shows her out of the den.)

Carol: Well, how do you want your coffee?

Mike: Black please, and with a smile, hmm.

(He kisses her and gets back to his sketches.)

(Greg is upstairs playing with a car and moping about losing his job. Marcia comes in to see him.)

Marcia: Greg.

Greg: Yeah.

Marcia: I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about what happened. (She sits down on his bed) I mean, losing your chance to be an architect and everything.

Greg: That’s okay.

Marcia: What are you gonna do?

Greg: I don’t know. Maybe instead of being an architect, I’ll go into something easier, like politics.

Marcia: I guess that means you won’t be getting your own car. (She gets up) I was talking to Randy Peterson yesterday.

Greg (angry): Oh, great. I suppose you told her all about what happened. Boy, she’ll really think I’m a goof.

Marcia (defensive): I wouldn’t do a thing like that.

Greg (sarcastic): Oh, sure you wouldn’t.

Marcia: Boy, that’s the last time I’ll try to be nice to a goof, even if he is my brother.

(Back in Mike’s den, he takes a sip of coffee and Alice comes in to bring him a sandwich and chips. She knocks and then walks in.)

Mike: Come in.

Alice: I’m in.

(She gives him his sandwich.)

Mike: Oh, thanks, Alice.

Alice: Mrs.. Brady told me what happened to Greg, poor kid.

Mike: Alice, I’m sorry but I don’t have time to discuss Greg right now.

Alice (showing him Greg’s magazine): I found this on top of the trash can. I guess getting his job back is more important to Greg than his car.

Mike: Okay, Alice. Whatever you want to say, say it, but make it fast.

Alice: Remember when I first went to work for you?

Mike: Yes.

Alice: And I got the soap powder mixed up with the starch, and your shirts didn’t wrinkle, they bent.

Mike: Yeah, I think one of them broke.

Alice: You gave me a second chance, Mr. Brady.

Mike: I get the point. Now get out of here, will you? I got work to do.

Alice: Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

(Alice walks out of the den and closes the door. Greg is upstairs still moping when Jan, Peter and Bobby come to him with money for gas in advance.)

Greg: What are these for?

Jan: That’s my doll bank, to help save up for the gas for your car.

Peter: And that’s Bobby’s piggy bank.

Bobby: My pig holds more, because it has a bigger stomach.

Jan: Anyway, here.  There’s 85 cents worth of rides in your car in there.

Greg: Thanks, but there isn’t going to be any car.

Bobby: Isn’t that why you’re working for Dad after school?

Peter: Hey, it’s after school right now. What are you doing here?

Greg: I thought you all knew, I won’t be with Dad anymore. I was fired.

Bobby: Busted?

Greg: I guess our deal’s off.

(He gives them back their money holders and they leave. Meanwhile, mike is showing Mr. Philips the new designs he made in his office.)

Mr. Phillips: You know, these are even better than your others.

Mike (yawning): Thank you.

Mr. Philips: Maybe we should have you work nights more often. I appreciate it, Mike, and we still got enough time to get them copied.

(Mr. Phillips heads out to the office and Mike calls him.)

Mike: Mr. Philips.

Mr. Philips (stopping): Yes, Mike.

Mike: You know, I’d really like to use my son Greg to deliver these.

Mr. Phillips: Mike, you know I like the boy, but…

Mike: Mr. Phillips, I think it’s important that he knows that I haven’t lost faith in him.

Mr. Phillips: He’s taken it that hard, huh?

Mike: Well, he has. You know, it could have been our fault. The designs fell out of that cylinder, caps have never been too tight.

Mr. Phillips: I refuse to answer on grounds that might incriminate me. All right, Mike. (He goes to leave the office but turns around) I just hope nothing goes wrong this time.

Mike: I’ll accept full responsibility.

(He gets on the phone. Greg is at home on the other end of the phone.)

Greg: No kidding? That’s great, Dad. I’m on my way, bye! (He hands up and tells Carol the news) Dad got Mr. Philips to give me another chance.

Carol: Hey, that’s great.

Greg: Mr. Philips is really out of sight.

Carol: Your Dad is pretty far out too.

Greg: He’s the greatest! Oh, I’ve got to get over there fast! So long, Mom.

Carol: Bye.

(Greg leaves and heads to Mike’s office. Mike gives him another design to deliver.)

Mike: Now, you know where to go.

Greg: Of course, Dad. Forest Painting at 12th and Sunset.

Mike: And remember now, the shortest distance between two points is?

Greg: A straight line.

Mike: A straight line, right.

Greg: Don’t worry, I got a good, tight grip on them.

Mike: Well, not too tight, son. You can leave a little room for a little circulation.

Greg: I won’t let you down, Dad.

Mike: Okay, I’ll see you at home.

(Greg is riding his bike to deliver the plans and the chain on his bicycle breaks.)

Greg (annoyed): Oh, great, just great!

(Randy and her father are getting into their car when Randy sees Greg.)

Randy: Hi, Greg!

Greg: Oh, hi!

Mr. Peterson (to Randy): Greg Brady, isn’t it?

Greg: Hi, Mr. Peterson, Hi Randy.

Mr. Peterson: Hi Greg, I understand you’re in the architect business with your Dad.

Greg: Yes sir, I’m delivering these important designs for him right now, if I ever get there, that is. My chain broke.

Mr. Peterson: Can I give you a lift?

Greg: Gee, would you?

Mr. Peterson: Why don’t we put your bike in the back. You can pick it up later.

Greg: Great. (He goes to put his back in back of their station wagon) Hey thanks a lot, Mr. Peterson, you sure saved the day.

Mr. Peterson: Sure.

Randy: Tell Daddy about the pyramids you’re gonna build, Greg.

Mr. Peterson: Pyramids?

Greg: Well, that was just sort of talk, Mr. Peterson. I just meant something real big like that.

(They drop Greg off at his destination.)

Greg: Thanks for the lift, Mr. Peterson.

Mr. Peterson: You’re welcome, son. Pyramids.

Greg: I’ll pick up my bike at your house later, Randy.

Randy: Okay, bye Greg.

Greg: Bye. (He realizes he left the sketches in the car with his bike) Hey, Mr. Peterson! Randy! Mr. Peterson! Stop, you have me designs! (Greg goes to a phone booth to call Randi’s house.) I got to find your husband, Mrs. Peterson, my whole future’s in the back seat of his car. Randy’s drama lesson, where? Campus drama school. Right, campus drama school, thanks a lot. Campus drama school.

(Down at the school, Randy’s teacher is rehearsing a scene with her.)

Drama teacher: Now Randy, let’s try it again. Remember, I’m your mother and I’m very upset that a girl your age is receiving flowers  from a total stranger.

Randy: Yes ma’am.

Drama teacher: There you go.

(She hands Randy flowers and she goes outside and come sin the door.)

Randy: Hi, Mom.

Drama teacher: Where did you get those flowers?

Randy: From a boy named Jeff, aren’t they super?

Drama teacher: You are much too young to be receiving flowers from a stranger. (He takes the flowers) Much too young.

(She opens the door to throw them out but they accidentally hit Greg, who is coming in.)

Randy: Greg. What are you doing here?

Greg (to the teacher) Excuse me (to Randy) I’ve got to find your father. He’s got the designs I was delivering in the back of his car.

Randy: Oh, he dropped me off and then he took his car to the garage to have some work done.

Greg: Thanks, thanks a lot. (to the teacher) Sorry.

(He rushes down to the garage and finds a mechanic working on a car.)

Greg: Sir, uh mister.

Mechanic: What is it, kid?

Greg: I’m looking for Mr. Peterson.

Mechanic: Well he ain’t here.

Greg: Sir, mister.

Mechanic: Do you mind, kid? I’m busy.

Greg: But I left something important in the back of Mr. Peterson’s car.

Mechanic: Well he left. he isn’t here.

Greg; Do you know where he went?

Mechanic: No. (Pause) but kid.

Greg: Yeah?

Mechanic: His car’s right inside there, around the corner.

Greg: Gee thanks, mister. thanks a lot.

(He shakes the man’s hand but gets it dirty form his grease.)

(Later on, Mike is home pacing back and forth worrying what happened to Greg.)

Mike (looking at his watch): Oh, it’s 6:30. The printing shop was closed half an hour ago, I better call.

(He picks up the phone while Carol is sitting on the couch reading a magazine. Mike decided to hang up the phone.)

Mike: I’m not going to break that promise.

Carol: What promise?

Mike: Well, I promised myself I was going to trust my son, without checking up on him. (Carol starts to look at him) He should have been home by now, right?

Carol: Right, yes, he should have.

Mike: Well, he couldn’t lose those designs again. He couldn’t do that. Would you tell me he couldn’t?

Carol: He couldn’t.

Mike: A little louder, convince me of it.

Carol: Oh, Mike, you’re getting all upset.

Greg (coming in the door): Hi, Dad. Hi, Mom.

Mike: Everything okay?

Greg: Sure.

Mike: The designs, did you, did you deliver those okay?

Greg: Of course, Dad. No problem. I’ve got to go wash up for dinner.

(He goes up the stairs)

Carol: There, you see, you didn’t have to break your promise.

Mike (laughing); Yeah, it’s kind of funny. He’s a pretty mature kid for 15.

Greg: Yeah, and 16 is just around the corner, with his car.

Mike: So is 40.

Carol; Maybe around your corner, but not my corner.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Carol and Mike in the living room looking at the paper.)

Carol: Hey Mke, how about a movie. There’s a good picture playing at the elite.

Mike: Okay, sounds like a good idea.

(Greg comes out wearing a jacket and tie.)

Greg: Hi, do I look okay?

Carol: Boy, you look groovy.

Mike: I take it you’re going to spend some of your hard earned salary on Randy Peterson, huh?

Greg: No, we’re gonna stay at her house and watch some TV.

Carol: That’s not much of a date for Randy.

Greg: Oh, she understands. She knows I’m saving for a car.

Carol: She must be very understanding.

Greg: She is, and I appreciate it.

Mike: Okay, good night, son.

Greg: Good night.

Carol: Not too late, Greg.

Greg: Yes, Mother.

(He leaves.)

Carol: Well, should we get going to that movie?

Mike: Listen, why don’t we, uh, stay home and watch television.

Carol: What? But you said…

Mike: Oh, come on, don’t complain. remember, we men appreciate understanding women.

Carol: You!

(She hits him on the head with the newspaper and they hug.)

        THE END




S2 E5 Going, Going Steady

untitled marcia in love

Going, Going Steady

Written by David P. Harmon

Marcia’s going steady with Harvey Klinger, whose favorite hobby is collecting bugs. Hope you enjoy the script.














(The episode begins with Marcia coming home from school in a daze. She goes up to a rose and smells it. She comes into the house and finds Carol dusting in the living room.)

Carol: Hi, sweetheart. You’re home late today.

Marcia: Hi, Alice.

Carol: Alice? All day long I thought I was Carol Brady, your mother.

Marcia: What a lovely day this is.

Carol: Seems kind of cloudy to me.

Marcia: It’s the loveliest day ever. The daffodils are singing, the birds are blooming.

(Mike comes out of his den and goes up to Carol.)

Mike: Daffodils are singing and birds are blooming? What’s with her?

Carol: Well, my woman’s intuition tells me.

Mike: Yes?

Carol: That our little girl has a slight case of puppy love.

Mike: Slight case? I’d say from the dazed expression on her face, she had an epidemic. You’re sure that’s what it is?

Carol: Yeah, I know the look.

Mike: She’s only 13.

Carol: Well, that’s the age. That uncertain year between childhood and adolescence.

Mike: Well, anything we can do to help?

Carol: There certainly is, Mr. Brady.

Mike: What?

Carol: Prepare ourselves for the agonies to come.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Alice in the kitchen, where she just prepared a salad. Jan goes in to talk to her.)

Jan: Alice, have you talked to Marcia?

Alice: No, why?

Jan: She’s real weird. I asked her if I can borrow her scarf and she said, the air is full of music and the birds smell like wine.

Alice: The birds smell like wine?

Jan: That’s what she said, honest.

Alice: Well, maybe a hummingbird got into somebody’s cooking sherry. That’ll give him something to hum about.

(Cindy comes into the kitchen.)

Cindy: Jan, what’s the matter with Marcia?

Jan: Did she say something goofy to you too?

Cindy: Uh-uh, she’s just sitting there staring at the wall with a dumb look on her face.

Jan: See.

Alice: Maybe she’s coming down with the flu. I’d better check on her.

(Marcia comes into the kitchen for an apple.)

Alice: Marcia, honey, do you feel okay?

Marcia: When your heart has wings, who can feel?

(She bites the apple and walks out, with Alice, Jan and Cindy looking on.)

Jan (to Alice): Now do you believe us?

Alice: Well, I was close, but I got the wrong bug. Make that the love bug, not the flu bug.

(Next, the boys come down the stairs to complain about Marcia.)

Greg: Mom, Marcia’s been locked in that bathroom for an hour.

Peter: We need one more bathroom and one less sister.

Bobby: Yeah, one less sister.

Carol: Oh, be patient with her, boys. You know she’s in the throes of her first romance.

Bobby: You mean she’s in love, ick!

Mike: Bobby, love isn’t all ick.

Greg: Well, who’s the unfortunate fellow?

Carol: I think his name is (Pause) Harvey Klinger.

Greg: Harvey Klinger?

Peter: Harvey Klinger?

Bobby: Harvey Klinger? (Pause) Who’s Harvey Klinger?

Mike: What’s wrong with Harvey Klinger?

Greg: Everything’s wrong with Harvey Klinger, he’s an all time All-American Grade A creep, besides being a jerk and a goof and a double dingbat.

Carol: Greg, don’t you think that’s being just a little bit strong?

Greg: Mom, those are his good points.

Cindy (coming down the stairs): Hey, you’ll never guess what happened. She’s out of the bathroom.

Peter: It’s about time.

Cindy: Now she’s talking on the phone.

Greg: Talking to hare brained Harvey, no doubt.

Cindy: Nope, she’s talking to her girlfriend, Sally, who sits next to Harvey. And it sure sounds icky.

(Next, Carol and Alice are in the kitchen, ready to serve dinner.)

Alice: Dinner’s ready, kids.

(She and Carol bring salad and rolls out to the table.)

Carol: Alice, would you please call the others?

dMike (coming out of the den): Hey, dinner ready, Alice?

Alice: Just coming to get you, Mr. Brady.

Cindy (from top of the stairs): She’s still staring at the wall.

Mike: Cindy, must we have these 10 minute announcements? (to Alice) I’d better go get Juliet.

Alice: I’ll do that. You better eat my pot roast while it’s hot, when it cools off, it loses something in the translation.

Mike (to Cindy): Come on.

(They go to the dinner table while Alice goes up to talk to Marcia, who seems depressed.)

Alice: Soup’s on, honey. Everybody’s waiting for you.

(Marcia is facing the other way and doesn’t look at Alice.)

Marcia: Everyone except Harvey Klinger.

Alice: Hmm?

Harvey: He doesn’t know I’m alive, Alice.

Alice: Oh, now, what makes you say that?

Marcia: I didn’t. He did. He told my girlfriend Sally.

Alice: Maybe she misunderstood him.

Marcia: No, Alice. (She sits up to face her.) Have you ever been in love? I mean, really, truly in love?

Alice: Sure, and it can hurt. Until the next time you’re really, truly in love.

Marcia (almost in tears): I’ll never find the right man again.

Alice: Sure you will. The problem is to find the right man who thinks you’re the right woman.

Marcia: What’s the difference? Harvey Klingler doesn’t know I exist, I wish I didn’t.

(Marcia buries her face in the pillow while Alice tries to comfort her. Downstairs, she’s discussing the situation with Mike and Carol.)

Alice: Marcia hasn’t got the sign of a cough and she isn’t lying on a chaise holding a faded lily, but you do have definitely got a Camille on your hands. (She lets out a sigh.)

Carol: Well, I suppose it hurts the same at any age. There must be some way we can help her.

Mike: Yeah, there is.

Carol: How?

Mike: Well, by not butting in. Honey, look, she’s going to get over it. Puppy love isn’t lasting and it certainly isn’t fatal.

Alice (glumly): No, but for a while, it can sure make you wish it was.

Carol: You’re absolutely right. (to Mike) I say we should try to help her.

Mike: Yeah, and I say, butt out.

Carol: Well, Mike, you yourself said is there anything we can do to help. Remember?

Mike: Yeah, I know, but…

Carol: Well, then it’s settled, we help.

Alice: Well, the problem is Harvey Klingler doesn’t even notice Marcia.

Carol: Well, then, let’s think of a way to see that he does.

Alice: Yeah, let’s think of a  way.

(They both stare at Mike.)

Mike: Oh no, you think of a way. (They continue to stare.) All right, but I’m gonna do it under protest.

Carol: Okay, now Mike, when you were Harvey’s age, what attracted you to girls?

Mike: Well, uh, having something in common like a hobby.

Alice: Sounds like a good idea.

Carol: What was your hobby?

Mike: Girls. (She starts laughing)

Alice: I wonder what Harvey Klinger’s hobby is.

(The next scene has Carol and Marcia looking in a book of insects.)

Carol (pointing to a picture of an insect): This one? Don’t peek.

Marcia: A banded wooly bear moth.

Carol: Right, and uh, ugh, this one.

Marcia: Yuck, a purple tiger beetle. That one looks icky.

Carol: Mmm, I’m with you. are you sure you want to go through with this?

Marcia: You asked me what Harvey likes, and that’s what Harvey likes. Bugs.

Carol: Bugs. Okay. (She puts her finger up.) Onward. (pointing in the book.) This one?

Marcia: A 17 year clicida?

Carol (laughing): No, not clicida, cicada.

Marcia: Cicada.

Carol: Right. (She points to her watch) And this one.

Marcia (laughing): That’s a watch.

Carol: Right again, and time for you to go to bed.

Marcia (getting up): You don’t know how much I appreciate this, Mom.

(She kisses her.)

Carol: Oh, that’s okay. that’s what mothers are for.

Mike (coming in): Hey, how’s everything in bug city?

Marcia: Heaven Dad, simply heaven.

(She kisses him good night and goes upstairs.)

Mike: I take it everything went well, huh?

Carol: Oh, and very educational too. Well, do you know the difference between a male peach tree borer and a female peach tree borer?

Mike: No, I haven’t the slightest idea.

Carol: Lucky for you, you’re not a peach tree borer. (They laugh) Hey, thanks for the hobby idea anyway.

Mike: Well, uh, (He takes a bite of an apple.) I did it under protest and I still don’t think we should meddle.

Carol: Oh.

(They hear someone outside.)

Mike: What’s that?

Carol: Oh, that’s Greg helping Marcia’s cause.

Mike: What’s he doing out there?

Carol: Collecting bugs.

Mike: Collecting bugs?

Carol: Mmm hmm.

(We see Greg on his knees getting bugs from the ground.)

Mike: How did you get him to agree to do a thing like that?

Carol: Well, I just explained to him Marcia’s problem, and the fact that, you know, she is his sister and that it is his duty to help her.

Marcia: How much you paying him?

Carol: Only 10 cents a bug.

(Mike laughs as we move into the next scene, which shows Harvey at school reading a book when Marcia goes over to talk to him. She tries getting his attention by dumping insects from a bag on the ground.)

Marcia: Is anybody sitting here?

Harvey: Hmm?

Marcia: May I sit here?

Harvey: Hmm.

Marcia (sitting down): Nice day, isn’t it.

Harvey: Hmm.

Marca (looking on the ground): Well of all things! A lateral femarata.

Harvey (looking up from his book): Where? Where?

Marcia (pointing): Right there.

(Harvey picks it up using a clipper.)

Harvey: It’s an absolute perfect specimen.

Marcia: You can have it if you’d like, I already have one.

(He puts it in with his collection.)

Harvey: Gee, thanks. My name’s Harvey Klinger.

Marcia: I’m Marcia Brady.

Harvey: You’re the first girl I ever met who knew anything about bugs. I collect them.

Marcia: You do?

Harvey: Say, aren’t we in the same English class?

Marcia; I don’t know, I sit up front. (She sees his book.) What’s that you’re reading?

Harvey: The Wonderful World of Insects by Professor G.T. Hardgrove.

Marcia: That’s my favorite book in the whole world.

(The bell rings.)

Marcia: 4th period bell.

Harvey; Yeah. Can I walk you to class?

Marcia: Okay?

(The next scene has Carol and Alice in the kitchen with Marcia coming home bursting with news.)


Carol: Well, I’ll take a stab at the dark. What happened?

Marcia: Harvey Klingler walked me home.

Alice: No!

Carol: Oh, Marcia, that’s wonderful.

Marcia: The bugs worked! And that’s not all, he asked me to go steady with him. I said yes if you say yes. Can I Mom, please?

Carol: Well, uh, I’ll speak to your father about it.

Marcia: Oh, Musca domestica, I love you.

Carol: What?

Marcia: That’s the common housefly.

(She kisses Carol and runs out.)

Carol: Go steady?

Alice: Go steady. (Carol moans) Steady there, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Oh, I wanted Harvey Klinger to like her, but, going steady’s something else.

Alice: I know what you mean. You expected her to just go wading, not dive right in the 20 foot board.

Carol: Oh, Mr. Brady warned me not to interfere.

Alice: You’ll have to tell him, if he hears it first from Marcia, it’ll be much worse.

Carol: Yeah, that’s right.

Alice: I wouldn’t worry too much, he’s a reasonable man.

Carol: He is, Alice.

Alice: But as a favor, would you tell him on my day off?

(The scene fades. The next scene has the kids leaving for school the next morning. Carol and Alice hand them their lunch bags and they all say good-bye. Alice tried to continue the conversation from before.)

Alice: You didn’t tell me, Mrs. Brady. Was Mr. Brady very upset about Marcia going steady?

Carol: Oh, not at all.

Alice: Oh, good.

Carol: I, uh, didn’t tell him yet.

Alice: Oh.

Carol: Well, he worked late last night and by the time he got to bed, I’d already gone to sleep.

Alice: I see.

Carol: But I’m going to tell him this morning. (Pause) Maybe I’ll tell him after dinner. I’ll fix his favorite dish.

Alice: Chicken.

Carol: Right. Chicken.

Alice: I didn’t mean the dish, I meant you.

Carol: All right, no more stalling. I’ll face the music. I’ll go tell him now, want to come with me?

Alice: Thanks just the same, I’m no good at duets.

(Carol goes upstairs to talk to Mike.)

Carol (sheepish): Mike.

Mike: Yeah?

Carol: Oh, it can wait. If you’re too busy I can come back later.

Mike: Honey, I’m just getting dressed for work. I do that from time to time.

Carol: Yeah.

Mike: What’s on your mind?

Carol (coming in the room): Mike.

Mike: Mmm.

Carol: You’re an open-minded man, right?

Mike: Right.

Carol: And flexible.

Mike: Oh, very.

Carol: I mean, you’re not the kind of man who would ever say I told you so.

Mike (suspicious); Carol. Just what are we talking about here?

Carol: Well, that rare gift you have for being fair, impartial, unprejudiced.

Mike: You left out courteous, faithful and true.

Carol: Yeah, those too.

Mike: What do I get my merit badge for?

Carol: For being understanding when I tell you Marcia wants to go steady with Harvey Klinger.

Mike (clueless): You think my striped tie will look all right with this?

Carol: Did you hear what I said, Mike? Marcia wants to go steady with Harvey Klinger.

Mike (putting his tie on): So what? Going steady, school dances, a movie, a soda. Doesn’t mean a thing.

Carol: You don’t think so?

Mike: Why, no? Honey, listen, going steady isn’t the same as when we were 13.

Carol (pleased): oh, I’m so glad you’re not upset.

Mike: Upset? Fair, impartial, unprejudiced Mike Brady.

Carol: Oh, I absolutely love you, I really do.

(She hugs him)

Mike: You do? That’s good to hear. You know, after we’re married a few years, I may ask you to go steady.

(They continue to hug as we move to the next scene, having Marcia and Harvey in the kitchen going over a wide assortment of insects.)

Harvey: This is a very unique specimen of drosophila. Really the common fruit fly, but with the unique habit of living with vinegar.

Marcia (looking through a magnifying glass): Gee Harvey, gosh.

(Greg comes in and looks on with disgust.)

Greg: Sickening, positively sickening.

(He goes to head upstairs and sees Carol)

Carol: Hi, Greg.

Greg: Hi, Mom.

Carol: Are Marcia and Harvey still in the kitchen?

Greg: Are they, YUCK!

(Back to the kitchen with Marcia and Harvey.)

Harvey: This hairy one’s called the snout beetle.

Marcia: It’s lovely, so close to the weevil family, yet so different.

Jan (coming in): Hi.

Marcia: With its offset eyes and its many jointed antennas.

Harvey: Gee, Marcia, you really know your bugs.

Marcia: What a sweet thing to say, Harvey.

(Jan leaves the kitchen unhappily and joins Greg and Carol at the staircase.)

Greg: Honest, Mom, that Harvey’s buggier than his bugs.

Jan: You said it. (She starts to mimic Marcia): Do you know the hairy beetle has offset eyes?

Greg (mimicking Harvey): Why, naturally, and a drosophila lives in vinegar, my dear.

Jan: Oh, how thrilling, Harvey.

Greg: Gosh, Marcia.

Carol: Come on you two, scoot.

(She sends them upstairs as Mike comes out of his den.)

Mike: What’s so funny?

Carol: Private joke.

Mike: Okay. (He goes out to the kitchen.) How goes it, kids.

Marcia (to Harvey): I think that’s fascinating. carpenter ants really nest in dead trees?

Harvey: You have to take my word, I couldn’t bring a dead tree with me.

Marcia: Well, I’d never doubt your word, Harvey.

Harvey: This one’s a queen, no wings, you’ll notice.

Marcia: I noticed that.

Harvey: She pulled them off herself, though why, why? One of the eternal mysteries of the insect world.

Mike: How about a piece of fruit, Harvey. (He and Marcia keep looking through the bugs.) Some milk and cookies? Harvey, how about a bug sandwich?

Harvey: Did you say something, Mr. brady?

Mike: I thought that would get you.

(He grabs an apple and walks away. Next, Marcia is upstairs trying on her mother’s makeup. Peter and Bobby come in.)

Bobby: Hi.

Peter: We need another guy for basketball.

Marcia: I’m not a guy, I’m a girl. An older girl.

Peter: Since when?

Marcia: Since I started going steady with Harvey Klinger, and I no longer play kids games.

(Jan and Cindy come in to see her as Marcia’s trying on false eyelashes.)

Jan: What are you doing up here? You’re supposed to be helping us.

Cindy: Yeah, dusting the living room.

Jan: And sweeping the kitchen and patio.

Marcia: Dust makes my eyes red, which is very unbecoming to a woman going steady.

Jan: Oh, well then just sweep.

Marcia (snobbishly): It would ruin my feminine posture.

Jan: You’re only 13, you’re not old enough yet to have a posture. What do you need false eyelashes for?

Cindy: That one looks like a seesaw.

Marcia: It makes me feel womanly, glamorous, that’s why woman wear perfume, eye shadow and lipstick. Makes you attractive to a man, beautiful and exotic.

Jan: It does? Well, I might as well be beautiful and exotic.

Cindy: Me too.

(Jan tries on perfume and Cindy puts on lipstick.)

Jan: Lovely, lovely, Isn’t that just absolutely, lovely. My goodness.

Carol (coming in): Just what do you think you’re doing?

Marcia: Just girl talk, Mom.

Jan: How do I smell?

Carol: Like you need a long, hot bath, and right now.

(Jan leaves.)

Cindy: What about me, Mom, how do I look?

Carol: Oh Cindy, I know your mouth is in there someplace. Try some soap and water and see if you can find it, okay.

(Cindy leaves.)

Marcia: I was experimenting with the eyelashes, Mom.

Carol: Going steady is one thing, but wearing false eyelashes is out.

Marcia: Out? A lot of girls my age wear makeup.

Carol: Well, I’m sorry, but that’s their mother’s problem, not mine. Now off they come.

(She pulls them off her.)

Marcia: Ouch! Like Harvey said, parents just don’t understand our generation.

Carol: Marcia, I understand it better than you think. I’ve already lived through your generation.

Marcia: But things have changed since you were my age.

Carol: Only times have changed sweetheart, people haven’t.

Marcia: But they have! You know what Harvey said? A girl my age is like a 20 year-old used to be, and a boy of 14 is like 22.

(Next, Mike and Carol are discussing that anecdote in the den.)

Mike: A girl of 13 is like 20 and a boy of 14 is like 22?

Carol: That’s what Harvey said. Oh, I should have listened to you Mike and not interfered. Well, I don’t like the way this changing Marcia.

Mike: Of course, on the other hand, maybe Harvey has a point.

Carol: What?

Mike: I mean, we’re understanding, modern parents. We have to be open-minded and fair about things, right?

Carol (surprised): What’s gotten into you?

Mike: Well, if Harvey is 22, and Marcia is 20, then that’s the way they ought to be treated. (Pause) If that’s what Harvey says.

(Carol catches on and we move on to that evening. Harvey comes to pick Marcia up for a date. Mike answers when he rings the bell.)

Harvey: Hi, Mr. Brady.

Mike (shaking his hand): Hi, Harvey, good to see you. Come on in. (He almost drags him through the door.) Come on in, sit down, make yourself at home. Marcia’s running a little late for a date, that’s a woman for you, huh.

Harvey: Yes sir, that’s a woman for you.

Mike: What we men put up with, huh?

(He slaps Harvey’s knee.)

Harvey: Yes sir, we men.

Mike: Yeah. You two doing the town tonight, huh.

Harvey: Kind of taking it easy tonight, just a soda.

Mike: Mmm hmm, mmm hmm. You know, Harvey, I wasn’t too sure about you and Marcia going steady at first, but, as you say, she’s like a woman of 20 used to be, and you’re like a man of 22.

Harvey: That’s right, sir.

Mike: Yeah, then see, I think that’s the way you ought to be treated. I mean, you’re not a kid anymore, you’re practically an adult. right?

Harvey: Yes, sir.

Mike: And ready to face the responsibilities of life.

Harvey: Yes, sir.

Mike: Harvey, what are your plans for the future?

Harvey: The future?

Mike: Mmm hmm.

Harvey: Well, next week I’m going to get a new front tire for my bicycle.

Mike: No, no, Harvey, I mean for work or a home or some kind of retirement plan.

Harvey: Well, before I retire I have to get out of junior high school.

Mike: Oh, yeah.

(Marcia and Carol come out.)

Marcia: Hi Harvey, I’m ready.

Harvey: Swell. Let’s go.

Mike: Oh listen, no need to rush, Harvey. Um, Marcia, I was just talking about you two.

Marcia: What about me?

Mike: I was just saying that I think it’s a big responsibility to be going steady and I’m pleased that Harvey here is taking it so seriously.

Marcia: Seriously?

Carol: That’s good to know. Well, before you know it, Harvey, you’ll be out of high school, out of college, going to work and hearing those wedding bells.

Harvey: Wedding bells?

Marcia: What wedding bells?

Mike: Yours and Harvey’s, the two of you, hand in hand, forever.

Marcia: Me and Harvey?

Carol: Just like your father and I.

Mike: Mmm hmm.

Marcia: We better get going, Harvey.

Harvey: Yeah. if you’ll excuse us, sir.

(He and Marcia get up to leave.)

Mike: Oh sure, of course, Harvey. Listen, it’s nice having this talk with you, okay?

Harvey: That’s okay.

Mike: Yeah.

(Marcia and Harvey head out the door.)

Marcia: Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad. (She and Harvey are outside.) What was that all about?

Harvey: Look, Marcia, I don’t think I’m ready to be 22 yet. That’s not what I meant by going steady.

Marcia: Me neither. Maybe we could go steady just once a week.

Harvey: Yeah, that’s steady enough. You still want that soda?

Marcia: Sure, but let’s hurry and get right home. Kids our age need lots of sleep.

(They leave and the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Marcia coming home with her new boyfriend, Lester.)

Marcia: Mom, Dad, this is Lester.

Carol: Hi.

Mike: Hi, Lester.

(He shakes Lester’s hand.)

Lester: Hi.

Marcia: Kitchen’s that way.

(Lester heads to the kitchen and Marcia sits down to talk to her parents.)

Marcia: Isn’t he neat?

Carol: What ever happened to Danny?

Mike: Yeah and Harvey bugs?

Marcia: Harvey turned out to be a drip. And Danny was dull, so was Alan. I’m going steady with Lester this week. (She giggles)

Carol: Oh, good.

Marcia: See you later.

(He goes to the kitchen to join Lester.)

Carol: Ah, that’s such a nice age.

Mike: Yeah, any age is a nice age. (He mimics Dracula) Even ours.

(He reaches over to kiss Carol.)

                           THE END