S1 E23 Alice’s September Song

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Alice’s September Song

Written by Elroy Schwartz

Alice’s old boyfriend, Mark Millard, comes to visit. This is enough to make Sam the butcher jealous and Alice believing he’s about to pop the question. Hope you enjoy the script.













(The episode begins with Carol and Alice coming home from the store. They get out of Carol’s car and bring nags of groceries in the store. Carol notices a message by the phone.)

Carol: Oh, Alice, there’s a message for you.

Alice: Oh, from Sam? If he’s still at the butcher shop I can call him right back.

Carol: No, I don’t think it’s from Sam. I can’t quite make out the name.

(Alice reads out the name on the paper.)

Alice: Makr Maldrill. I don’t think I know anybody named Makr Maldrill.

Carol (frustrated): If I told those kids once, I told them 100 times, when someone calls, get the name right.

Cindy (coming into the kitchen): I tried.

Alice: You took the message honey?

Cindy: Uh-huh. I wrote it just like the man told me.

Alice: Well, I’m sure we can figure it out, sweetie. But first I wanna help your mother put away all this stuff.

Carol: Nah Alice, I’ll do it. You better work on that message while it’s still fresh in Cindy’s mind.

Alice (sitting down): Okay.

(She looks at the message, with her name and Makr Maldrill written on it..)

Cindy: That’s your name, Alice.

Alice: Yeah, I got that far. I got stuck on who called.

Cindy: His name is Mark.

Alice: Mark?

Cindy: Uh-huh. Maybe I don’t spell very good, but I can remember good. His name is Mark Millard, and he said he’ll call back.

(She walks away.)

Alice: Mark Millard called?

Carol: I never heard you mention a Mark Millard before, Alice. A new boyfriend?

Alice: No, Mrs. Brady, an old one.

Carol: Somebody special?

Alice: We were in school together, to me he was very special. He was the handsomest, most charming boy in the class. I still remember how my knees used to melt whenever he looked at me.

Carol: And to think he called you afer all these years. Oh Alice, I think that’s very exciting.

Alice: It is exciting, Mrs. Brady. I wonder.

Carol: You wonder what?

Alice: If there’s enough heat in an old flame to melt these knees again.

(Carol laughs with Alice as the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Greg and Bobby in the garage, working on an airplane.)

Bobby: Boy, this is gonna be the best plane ever. I can see it now, taking off. Maybe flying all the way to Africa. What do you think, Greg?

Greg: I think if you don’t keep quiet, I’m gonna pop you one.

Sam (arriving): Hiya, fellas.

Bobby: Hi Sam.

Sam: Hey, that’s some plane you got there.

Greg: Yeah, we’re gluing in the ribs for a wing.

Sam: You know, Bobby, this sure brings back memories. Boy, when I was your age, I built one that stayed up for a year.

Bobby: A year?

Sam: Yep. it was a whole year before I was old enough to climb the tree and get it down. (He laughs, and so do Bobby and Greg) Hey, is Alice inside?

Bobby: Yeah, she’s getting ready to go out.

(Inside. Mike and Peter are walking on another part of the plane.)

Carol (coming by): Hey, what is that? A boat or a plane?

Peter: A plane. We’re putting it together in here while Greg and Bobby put the wings together outside.

Carol: Ooh, I’d say that’s a very efficient production line.

Mike: You betcha. Orville and Wilbur couldn’t have done it any better.

Peter: I’m gonna go outside and see how the wings are coming along.

Mike: Okay.

(Carol notices that Sam is outside.)

Carol: Oh, no, look who’s out there talking to Peter.

(Carol and Mike see Sam and Peter outside.)

Mike: Sam.

Carol (worried): Oh!

Mike: Just come by to see Alice, he’s done it before.

Carol: Honey, you don’t understand. Alice has a date with Mr. Millard. This could be very awkward for her.

Mike: Well, honey, I think she’s equipped to tell Sam she’s got a date with another guy.

Carol: Oh, honey, you don’t understand women at all.

Mike: Yeah, well, that makes me a charter member of a very large fraternity.

Carol: Look, I’ll get Alice to stay in her room until he leaves.

Mike: Yeah, well, Sam has remarkable staying power.

Caro (nervously)l: Well, think of something, honey. You’re, you’re very good (she kisses his cheek) at things like that, please.

Mike (pointing outside): Yeah, but.

Carol: Just get rid of him.

(Sam finishes his conversation with Peter and heads towards the door. He knocks, opens the door and comes in.)

Sam: Hi, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Hi, Sam.

Sam: Well, tonight’s the semi-finals of the supermarket bowling league. Us meat cutters against the Bread and Pastry boys.

Mike: Sounds like pretty crummy competition.

Sam (laughing): Crummy competition, bread and pastry. I like that, Mr. Brady. Hey, can I use that?

Mike: Yeah, just don’t tell anybody where you got it.

Sam (laughing): I thought I’d take Alice along to watch. You know, she’s a great little rooter for us meat cutters, a great little rooter.

Mike: Uh, Sam. I’d like to have a little talk with you about (Pause) women.

Sam: Women?

Mike: Yeah.

Sam: Oh, you can count on me, Mr. Brady. If you and the Mrs. are having a little problem, I’ll do anything I can to help.

Mike: No, no, Sam. It’s not me, it’s, uh, uh, you.

Sam: Me?

Mike: Yeah?

Sam: I’ve got no problem with Mrs. Brady.

Mike: No, no, it’s not Mrs. Brady, it’s uh, Alice.

Sam: I didn’t know I was having a problem with Alice.

Mike: Oh, you’re not, you’re not, you’re not. But you might.

Sam: What kind?

Mike: Well, look, um, you’re kind of catching Alice off guard, see, arriving here unexpectedly. Woman like to be prepared, you know, with a, dress just so and a face, just so.

Sam: Mr. Brady, Alice’s face is my inspiration. I see her face in every bowling ball, her figure in every bowling pin.

(The next scene has Alice dressed up for her date with Mark. Marcia and Jan are watching admiringly.)

Marcia: That’s sure a pretty pin, Alice.

Alice: It’s a cameo, been in my family for generations.

Marcia: it’s fantabulous.

Alice: When each one gets married, she passes it along to the next one. So far I hold the record for hanging on to it the longest.

(Carol comes in the room.)

Carol: Excuse me, Alice. Alice, did you forget that you had a date with Sam tonight?

Alice: I never forget my dates with Sam, Mrs. Brady, or any other male species, why?

Carol: He’s here.

Alice: Oh, no.

(Carol nods.)

Jan: Wow, two guys showing up on the very same night. (Alice makes a gesture like it’s no big deal) Maybe they’ll fight over you, Alice.

Marcia: That would be out of sight.

Carol: Don’t you girls have some homework to do? (Jam and Marcia whine) Come on, run along. (They leave still discussing the possibility of a fight) Alice, I took the liberty of asking Mr. Brady to make some excuse to Sam.

Alice: Yeah, that could be embarrassing. Thank you, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Well, he should be gone by now.

Alice: Imagine, two men fighting over me. (She laughs) Oh, two men will never fight over me.

Carol: Why wouldn’t they?

(She turns Alice around to look in the mirror.)

Alice (in the mirror): Yeah, Alice, why wouldn’t they?

(Back in the kitchen, Sam and Mike are still converting.)

Sam: I get the picture, Mr. Brady, so I’ll just trot down to a payphone, call back and see if Alice is…

(He sees Alice come out in her evening dress.)

Alice (looking in her purse): Mr. Brady, by any chance did you happen to see… (He sees Sam standing there) Sam.

Sam: Good evening, Alice, boy you look real spiffy tonight.

(Mike looks at him with shock.)

Alice: Well, th-th-thank you, Sam.

Sam: Of course, you didn’t have to get so dressed up. Only the semi-finals.

(Mike collects his airplane equipment and starts to take off.)

Alice: Semi-finals?

Sam: You know, bowling. Us meat cutters vs. bread and pastry.

Alice: Oh, yeah, that sounds like quite a match. But Sam, we didn’t have a date tonight.

Sam: I know, Alice, I didn’t mean to catch you off guard. But, uh, well, since you’re so gussied up, let’s go.

Alice: Sam. I can’t go out with you tonight.

Sam: Oh, come on Alice, just because I didn’t call you and ask you for a date. Look, I meant to, but Mrs. Larson came in and wanted a round steak around 6 times.

Alice: Sam, that isn’t it. I have another date tonight.

Sam (angry): Another date? With who? (Alice seems hesitant to tell him) I know, you’re going out with the milkman!

Alice: Jerry?

Sam: I should have known, when I stopped by last Tuesday morning, I heard the way he rattled your bottles.

Alice (insulted): No Sam, it is not Jerry.

Sam: Ah, then it’s Gus from fresh fruit at the supermarket. I see the way he looks at you when you’re squeezing the melons.

Alice: Sam, it isn’t Gus and isn’t Jerry. It’s an old friend of mine who’s passing through town and I’m having dinner with him.

Sam (relieved): Oh well, if it’s just an old friend it’s something else. I’ll tell you what, Alice, if the meat cutters win tonight, suppose I drop by about 6:30 tomorrow, and take you to the finals. okay?

Alice: I’d like that Sam, except that I sort of half-promised Mark, my friend, that I wouldn’t make any other plans while he’s here.

Sam (upset again): Well, how long is that gonna be?

Alice: Only a week.

(Sam gives a defeated look. Next, Alice is by the front door nervously awaiting Mark’s arrival. Mike and Carol are in the living room having coffee.)

Mike: Alice, listen, a sip of this might calm you down a little bit.

Alice: I think the coffee might make me more nervous, Mr. Bady.

(The doorbell rings.)

Alice (jumpy): It’s him. It’s him. (Mike and Carol get up to leave) Uh, where are you going? Aren’t you gonna stay?

Carol: Well, Alice, we wouldn’t wanna be in the way.

Alice: Believe me you’d be more in the way if you were out of the way.

(The bell rings again.)

Mike: Okay, but listen, try to be calm.

(He goes to answer the door.)

Alice: Oh, I’m fine, really, I am. (She clutches her handkerchief) My handkerchief isn’t, but I am.

Mike: Let me get the door, okay.

Alice: Would you please? I really don’t think I can turn the knob.

(She hands her broken handkerchief to carol as Mike opens the door. Mark appears with a gift.)

Mark: Good evening.

Mike: Mr. Millard?

Mark: Yes

Mike (shaking his hand): I’m Mike Brady, come on in. Alice is waiting for you.

Mark: Oh thank you. (He comes in and sees Alice) Alice.

Alice: Mark.

(He gives Alice a hug.)

Mark: Alice. Oh.

(He hands her the gift.)

Alice: Thank you.

Mark: Alice, you look absolutely wonderful.

Alice: I do. That’s awfully sweet to say, Mark. You don’t look so bad yourself.

(Carol and Mike look on with delight.)

Mark: How could all these years have gone by and never touched you at all.

Alice: Oh, well, they touched me. It’s just the dents don’t show much at night. (Carol and Mike laugh.) Ooh, you met Mr. Brady, and this is Mrs. Brady.

Carol (shaking hi hand): Hello, Mr. Millard.

Alice: And their 12 eyes.

Mark: Hmm? (They see the kids looking on from up the stairs.)

(Late that evening, Carol wakes up and realizes Alice is still out with Mark.)

Carol (to Mike): Do you realize what time it is?

Mike: It’s about 10 minutes since the last time you asked me what time it is.

(Carol turns on the light and leans over to look at the clock.)

Carol: It’s almost 1:30 and Alice isn’t home yet.

Mike: Honey, Alice is not one of the kids.

Carol: I know, but she’s, well she’s out with a man who’s practically a stranger to her.

Mike: I’m sure she can take care of herself. Mark looks okay.

Carol: Yeah, but appearances can be very deceiving. We don’t know what he’s really like.

Mike: Listen, what are you gonna do when Marcia starts to date?

Carol: Probably get no sleep, ever. Well how about you, you’re pretty wide awake. Why aren’t you asleep?

Mike: Because it’s 1:30 and alice isn’t home yet. (They hear Mark’s car door close) See, now there she is. She’s home and you can go to sleep happy. (He kisses her)

Carol: Don’t be silly. Now I have to see if she had a good time.

(Alice comes in the front door, beaming and dancing and singing softly to herself. She also shuts the lights in the living room as Carol and Mike look on from top of the stairs.)

Mike (to Carol): She had a good time.

(Carol smiles as the scene fades.)

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(The next scene has Alice is her room getting dressed up again and talking to Carol. She tells her about their date for that evening.)

Alice: And tonight, he’s taking me to the Kings Lodge, that big, new fancy place.

Carol: Where I’m sure you wouldn’t want this price tag (on her dress) show.

Alice: Oh, no, thank you.  I thought I’d give this, this new dress a trial run this afternoon before the Grand Prix tonight.

Carol: Boy, this Mr. Millard sure  is giving you the big rush.

Alice: Different restaurant every single night. Dancing till all hours. You know, a week of this will kill me. What a way to go.

Carol (laughing): It wouldn’t surprise me if Mr. Millard wasn’t building up to something.

Alice: Like what?

Carol: Like, rekindling that old flame.

Alice: Would you help me with this zipper?

Carol: Sure. (Carol zips the back of Alice’s dress) You mean the thought of marriage never (Pause) crept in?

Alice: Well if it did any creeping, it was with me, not him.

Carol: Well, what if he brought up the subject right now, Alice. What would you say?

Alice: I don’t really know what I’d say, I’d sure listen a lot.

Carol: Mr. Brady and I certainly hope it works out the way you want it to, Alice. (She finishes helping her get ready) There.

Alice: Oh boy, now I know where those calories went. I’ve been sitting on them.

Carol: Well, I guess we could let it out a little for tonight.

Alice: Or take me in a little today.

(Alice starts to inhale. We next see her doing sit-ups in the backyard, with the girls helping her. Marcia and Jan are holding her while Cindy counts. Alice stops at 6.)

Jan: You’re not supposed to move your legs at all, Alice.

Alice: How could they move with you hanging on to one and Marcia holding on to the other?

Marcia: Well they wiggled a little.

Jan: And you won’t lose weight even wiggling a little.

(Alice breathes hard and resumes sit-ups.)

Cindy: Seven. (She drops after that) You don’t have to stop, Alice, I can count higher.

(Next, Alice puts white cream on her face in her room with Marcia watching.)

Marcia: What’s all that goo supposed to do for you, Alice?

Alice: Oh, tighten up my skin.

Marcia: Who wants tight skin?

Alice: Well, not really tighten it, it’s sort of a tone drop of facial muscles.

Marcia: Well how long are you supposed to leave that stuff on?

Alice: Uh, I’ll take it off about an hour before Mr. Millard gets here. On the other hand, I might be better of leaving it on.

(Marcia laughs. Mike is helping Bobby and Peter with the final touches of the airplane when Alice comes out, all made over.)

Alice: Well men, how does everything look from, uh, there?

Peter: Hey, look at Alice.

Bobby: Boy, real neat-o.

Peter: Wow!

Mike: Alice, you are gorgeous.

Alice: Oh, go on. I mean, go on and on and on.

(Alice and Mark are dining in a fancy restaurant. A waiter brings them each a bowl of soup. Alice eats while Mark stares at her.)

Alice: Mmm, vichyssoise is such a pretty name for cold potato soup, don’t you think? (He continues to stare) You haven’t even touched yours.

Mark: How can I eat Alice when I can’t take my eyes off you?

Alice: Ooh, Mark.

Mark: You’ve blossomed of the years, Alice.

Alice: You do have a way with words. How much longer do you think you’re gonna be in town?

Mark: Well, it’s hard to tell. I’m trying to finish up a business deal.

Alice: Oh, you tycoons.

Mark: Not really, it’s a deal that, uh (Pause) I don’t think the topic will interest you.

Alice: Try me.

Mark: Well, I’ve been at meetings all week on  a very unusual investment opportunity. As a matter of fact, it was so good I’m a little concerned, but it really checks out.

Alice: Well, I got a little nest egg that isn’t hatching very much in my bank account.

Mark: A bank is the best place to let a nest eg hatch. Besides, any business deal is bound to be speculative. (Alice seems convinced) Now, how about some wine. Something sparkling to go with your eyes.

Alice: Ooh, Mark. Would you be getting in on the ground floor of this investment opportunity.

Mark (holding Alice’s hand): Forget that, Alice, there are other ground floors, but very few charming ladies.

(Alice smiles at the opportunity. The next day, Carol comes in the kitchen and sees Alice ready to go out.)

Carol: Oh, where you headed, Alice?

Alice: Oh, the bank. As soon as I get the breakfast dishes put away.

Carol: Oh, I’m heading right by there, I’ll drop you off. In the meantime, do you need a couple of dollars?

Alice: No thanks. I’m about to enter the world of high finance.

Carol (excited): High finance? What do you mean?

Alice: Well, Mark had this great investment opportunity and he’s letting me in on it.

Carol: Oh, what kind of opportunity?

Alice: To get in on the ground floor.

Carol: What?

Alice: Well, he didn’t say exactly.

Carol: What’s the name of the company?

Alice: I don’t think he mentioned it. But anyway, the name of the company isn’t anywhere near as important as what they do.

Carol: What do they do, Alice?

Alice: I don’t know exactly. He said it kind of speculative. But, just about that time, I had the feeling he was about to pop the question, so, I didn’t want to rock the boat.

Carol: Did he pop the question?

Alice: Not quite. Well, I’ll go get my coat.

(She goes into her room. Carol gets suspicious and calls Mike at the office.)

Mike (on the phone): Well what sort of investment? Carol, what type of business is it? No, no, I don’t blame you, it makes me suspicious, too. Listen, when are you taking her to the bank? Okay, I’ll tell you what, while you do that, I’ll make some fast calls, okay? Okay, bye.

(Alice realizes that Mark is a scam artist and gets embarrassed.)

Alice (to Mike and Carol): I feel like such a fool.

Carol: Oh, I didn’t like interfering, Alice. But, well, you are one of the family.

Mike: After Mrs. Brady called me, Alice, I phoned a friend of mine at the district attorney’s office and they did a quick rundown on Mark Millard and, he’s gonna stop by and ask you a few questions.

Alice: Mark sure was smooth.

Mike: Well, he’s an incurable gambler. Horses, cards, you name it.

Carol: And, he uses unsuspecting woman to support himself.

Alice: How could I have been so stupid? You know, I actually thought he was popping the question.

Mike: He might have. Right now, he’s paying alimony to five wives and trying to keep a jump ahead of the sixth.

Alice (astonished): Six wives?

Carol: And you might have been the seventh.

Alice: That’s what I call making seven the hard way.

Carol: Alice, when were you gonna give him the money?

Alice: He’ll be coming by soon.

(The doorbell rings.)

Mike: that’s my friend from the district attorney’s office.

(He gets up to answer the door.)

Carol: Now, relax, Alice.

(Mike opens the door and it’s Mark.)

Mike (surprised): Oh, Mr. Millard.

Mark: Hello, Mr. Brady. How nice to find you at home.

Mike: Well, can’t tell you how happy I am to be here. Come on in, Alice is waiting for you.

Mark: Splendid. I’m anxious for a little chat with her. (He comes in the living room and sees Alice and Carol) Well, how are you, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: I couldn’t be better, Mr. Millard.

Mark: Alice, I wonder if you and I could have a moment together.

Mike: Mr. Millard, I took the liberty of talking to a friend of mine at the district attorney’s office this morning.

Mark: Oh?

Carol: And he did some checking for us, that is, for Alice, and he’s on his way over here right now, Mr. Millard.

Mark: Oh?

Alice: Mark?

Mark (shrugging): Sorry, but, that’s life, Alice. (He starts to get nervous) Well, I, guess I’ll be on my way. I can see myself out.

Mike (following him): Wait a minute, just a second.

(The bell rings and he starts running towards the back door. Mike, Alice and Carol chase him instead of answering the door. They hear him moan in pain and when they catch up to him, he is out cold and Sam is at the door with a delivery.)

Alice: Sam, what did you do to him?

Sam: Nothing. I was just getting to the patio door and he ran right into your frozen leg of lamb.

(The doorbell rings again.)

Mike: Ooh, I guess I better get my friend.

Carol: Quick!

Sam: Say, who is that guy anyway?

Alice: That’s that old friend of mine I was telling you about.

Sam: Well, anyway, I’m sorry he ran into your leg of lamb.

Alice: So am I. I wish you were carrying a whole side of beef. Sam, would you put that in the freezer or me, please?

Sam: Sure, Alice.

(Alice takes the watering can for flowers and pours water all over Mark. Meanwhile, Mike, Carol and the friend from the D.A.’s office come by and the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Alice and Sam preparing for a picnic in the park. Carol puts their sandwiches in a picnic basket.)

Carol: There, a perfect little picnic for two. I sure hope you enjoy your day off, Alice.

Alice: Ah, we will, Mrs. Brady.

Mike: Well, have a good time.

Sam: Thanks, Mr. Brady.

(The boys come in upset with their airplane.)

Mike: What’s the matter, men?

Bobby: Our plane.

Greg: There’s not enough room in the backyard, Dad.

Sam: Well, Alice and I are heading to Highland Park. The 747 can take off there. You wanna go with us? (The boys happily agree) Bring the girls to watch.

Greg: that’s a good idea.

(They go to get the girls.)

Alice: Sam, that’s 8 stomachs to fill with food for two.

Sam: That’s okay, we’ll stop by my shop and I’ll pick up some cold cuts. (He takes the basket) I’ll put this in the car.

Carol: Well, Alice, you didn’t have much choice, did you?

Alice: Oh, I love having the kids along, Mrs. Brady. Of course, it isn’t terribly romantic.

Mike: Contrary. It’s very romantic.

Alice: It is.

Mike: Yeah, for us.

(He takes Carol and picks her up the way a groom picks up his bride.)

Carol: Mike, you cut that out.

Mike: Have a good time, Alice.

(He walks away with Carol, leaving Alice to ponder about what kind of day they’ll have.)

                                               THE END

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S2 E22 Double Parked

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Double Parked

Written by Skip Webster

The Bradys go on a campaign to save their favorite park from being demolished. Things go awry when it turns out that Mike’s firm is putting up a building on the premises, threatening his job. Hope you enjoy the script.











MAN Alice gets to sign the petition

(The episode begins with Greg and Peter playing catch in the backyard.)

Greg: Hey!

Peter: Did it curve?

Greg: Yeah, it sure did.

Peter (annoyed): That’s my fast ball. (Pause) I’m some pitcher, my fast ball curves and my curve ball goes fast.

Greg: You just need some practice. Let’s go to the park, I told the guys I’d meet them over there.

(Marcia and Jan confront them as they start to leave.)

Marcia: Don’t bother, Greg. There’s not going to be any more baseball in the park.

Jan: Or volleyball, or anything.

Greg: What are you talking about?

Jan: We can’t use Woodland Park anymore.

Peter (shocked): You’re kidding.

Marcia: That’s what they told us. they’re going to put up some dumb old building.

Greg: Where are we gonna play?

Jan: Search me, but what can we do about it?

Greg: I know one thing I can do. I can have a man-to-man talk with Mr. Duncan, the park director.

Marcia: Let’s make that a girl to man talk too.

(They all leave and head down to the park. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has them all coming home. They break the bad news to Carol.)

Carol: Hi, kids.

All: Hi, Mom.

Carol: You look as if they declared recess illegal, what’s the matter?

Marcia: We’re in mourning.

Jan: For Woodland Park.

Greg: Yeah, they’re closing it down.

Carol (upset): Closing Woodland Park, what for?

Peter: So they can put a dumb old building on it.

Carol: But the city owns that park. Who’d put a building on city property?

Greg: The city.

Carol: Who told you that?

Marcia: Mr. Duncan, the park director.

Greg: And after all the trouble we went through helping keep the park clean.

Jan: And hauling all the junk to the city dump.

Peter: Isn’t there something we can do, Mom?

Greg: What can we do?

Carol: We can do what is every citizen’s right to do. We can protest, and I’ll bring it up at my next woman’s club meeting.

Marcia: That’s a great idea.

(The kids cheer their approval.)

Carol: Well, we can sure give it a try.

(That evening, Carol talk to Mike about the matter in their room.)

Carol (combing her hair): Oh, Mike, they just can’t close that park. Well, parks are becoming almost as extinct as buffaloes.

Mike (jokingly): I think you’re right. I haven’t seen a buffalo in the neighborhood in months.

Carol: Oh, Mike, be serious.

Mike: Listen honey, I’m with you all the way. I think that park is something your woman’s club should fight for.

Carol: Well, I think city hall will listen to us. I mean, after all, who was it that organized operation clean sweep for the city council. And, who was it that got work groups to clean up the park when the maintenance budget was cut? The woman’s club. And who was it that donated their time to haul things from the park to the city dump?

Mike: The woman’s club.

Carol: No, you. Well, the woman’s club is gonna show them that you can fight city hall. I mean, this is gonna be one park that isn’t going to be extinct.

Mike: That’s the spirit, honey.

Carol: Mike.

Mike: Yep.

Carol: Do you really think a bunch of woman can save the park?

Mike: Honey, a stirred up bunch of women can save almost anything, except maybe money.

(He laughs and Carol comes after him with her brush. Mike goes into the boys’ room while they’re sleeping. He informs them to start work the next day on saving the park.)

Greg (waking up): Good night, Dad.

Mike: Oh, good night, fellas. Listen, as long as you’re awake, I want to remind you that your Mom is going to need some help tomorrow. I think you and your sisters can do your share to help save Woodland Park, okay.

Greg: We will, Dad.

Peter: We’ll do anything to save it.

Bobby: Yeah, anything.

Mike: Good, then come straight home from school and you can start delivering those petitions your Mom has from door to door, okay?

Greg: Tomorrow?

Mike: Yeah.

Greg: Oh, I’ve got ball practice.

Peter: I’m supposed to be at Gordie’s house.

Bobby: My cub pack is going to the zoo.

Mike (sternly): You want the park, but you want someone else to do the work, is that it? Now, listen to me, if that park is worth having, it’s worth fighting for. And if you’re going to use it, you have to help do the fighting. You don’t leave it to someone else.

Greg: You’re right, Dad. We get the message.

Peter: We’ll come straight home.

Bobby: Yeah, who needs a zoo. You’ve seen one monkey, you’ve seen them all.

(He makes faces and funny sounds imitating a monkey.)

Mike (laughing): Good night, boys.

(The next scene has Carol talking on the phone with one of her friends.)

Carol: Listen Gloria, if you can’t notify the members yourself, get the vice-chairman to call. And don’t ask her to, tell her to. (She sips her coffee, then goes in for a shock) When did I get to be vice-chairman? Thanks a lot for appointing me, Gloria. No, no, I don’t mind at all. I’ve got the children helping me.

(Next, Greg comes in the kitchen and sees Alice.)

Alice: I was about to issue an all-points bulletin on you.

Greg: All points is right. I must have walked a hundred miles getting these petitions signed. Is Mom home?

Alice: No, she’s still at the woman’s club emergency meeting.

(Greg goes in the refrigerator and takes something out in a doggy bag.)

Greg: Alice, what’s this?

Alice: Leftovers.

Greg: Leftover what?

Alice: Beats me, it’s been left over so long, I forgot.

(Greg smells it and puts it back. Carol comes in.)

Carol: Hi.

Greg: Hi, Mom.

Alice: How did your meeting go?

Carol (sitting down): Grand, just grand. The women voted unanimously to fight City Hall.

Alice: Then why so gloomy?

Carol: Because they elected me head of the Save Woodland Park committee. Do you realize how much work that means?

Greg: If you didn’t want the job, you shouldn’t have accepted the nomination.

Carol; No way.

Greg: Why?

Carol: Because I got so carried away by a speech that I made, I volunteered.

Alice (laughing): Congratulations.

Carol (bitterly): Thanks, Alice.

(Meanwhile, Mike is at the office when he comes into Mr. Phillips’ office.)

Mike: You wanted to see me, Mr. Phillips?

Phillips: I certainly did, Mike. You shoot darts?

Mike: Well, I’m no expert.

Phillips: Great for creative thinking. I get some of my best ideas shooting darts. (He misses, then hands a dart to Mike) Try one.

Mike: I’m not very good at it.

Phillips: Oh, go ahead. Try it anyway.

(Mike throws a dart and hits the board.)’

Mike: Oh, it’s just beginner’s luck. Well, I’m sure you didn’t call me in here to throw darts. What’s up?

Phillips: Mike, you’ve always gone all out for this company. I mean, Saturdays, weekends sometimes.

Mike: Well, when emergencies come up.

Phillips: Well, never mind the modesty. So I’m going to show my appreciation on our new contract. I’m going to put you in charge.

Mike: Thanks, Mr. Philips. What’s the project?

Phillips: Our firm finally broke the barrier with the city. We landed our first municipal contract.

Mike: Oh, that’s great.

Phillips: Mmm hmmm, we’re gonna design the new courthouse in the Woodland Park area.

Mike (shocked): The Woodland Park area? The Woodland Park?

Phillips: How many Woodland Parks are there?

Mike: Hmmm, not enough.

Phillips: Mike, you don’t seem too happy about this.

Mike: Happy isn’t the word, Mr. Phillips. Speechless is what I am.

(That evening, Mike spills the bad news to Carol.)

Carol (upset): Mike, you’re kidding. Your firm is tearing down the park? Well, Carol, it’s not exactly my firm.

Carol: You work for it. You’re a park wrecker.

Mike: Oh, honey, we don’t wreck. We design and build.

Carol: Yeah, concrete jungles.

Mike: Look Carol, I feel as badly about it as you do, but, I had nothing to do about it. I’m an employee. (He starts holding her) Come on, you can understand that, can’t you?

Carol (morosely): Yeah, I guess so.

Mike: That’s more like it. I hope the kids understand that, too.

(The boys are upstairs in their room discussing the matter.)

Bobby: Benedict Arnold, who’s he?

Peter: He was a traitor.

Greg: Dad’s no traitor.

Bobby: I still don’t get it.

Greg (impatiently): All right, this is the last time I’m going to explain it. Dad’s an architect. The city hired the company he works for to build a new courthouse. They’re gonna build it where the park is, you got it?

Bobby (doubtful): Yeah, got it.

Peter: I don’t see why Dad can’t tell his boss to turn the job down.

Greg: Boy, you sure don’t know anything about big business.

Bobby: Yeah, you don’t know nothing.

(He hits Peter on the stomach. The girls are discussing the situation in their room.)

Marcia: I sure would like to know Dad’s side of this.

Jan: Mom told Alice that if we don’t fight city hall now, we’ll all be living in concrete jungles.

Cindy: What does that mean?

Jan: No more parks.

Marcia: No more green grass, no more flowers and no more trees.

Cindy: Where will they put all the squirrels?

(Next, Mike is talking to Carol, Greg and Marcia. he encourages them  and the whole family to continue what they’re doing.)

Mike: Now, let’s get this straight, once and for all. Mr. Phillips employs me, see, he doesn’t employ my family. What you do as private citizens is strictly your own business.

Marcia: Then we can keep up the fight?

Greg: And go ahead and do our own thing?

Carol: Absolutely, even though your father has to do this own thing.

Mike: Right, and your own thing is stopping that courthouse from getting built in Woodland Park. My own thing, business as usual.

Alice: Well, my own thing is getting everybody to the dinner table. We’re having chicken and its own thing is getting fricasseed.

(The next scene has Mike driving to the house and honking for Carol to come join him.)

Carol (coming down the stairs): Well, Alice, how do I look?

Alice: Beautiful. (Carol heads for the door) Just turn on your charm, Mr. Brady. You’re going to take City Hall without firing a shot.

Carol: Oh, don’t worry, Alice, I’ll really pour it on.

Alice: Good luck.

(She leaves, Carol returns in a dejected mood and gives Alice the thumbs down gesture.)

Alice: I’m afraid to ask what happened.

Carol: Well Alice, they served us weak coffee and stale doughnuts and then they threw us to the lions, with a smile of course.

Alice: Oh, of course. You can’t be a politician nowadays without a Permapress smile. What now?

Carol: Well, the handwriting’s on the wall, Alice. When everything’s against you, and all hope is gone, there’s only one thing left to do.

Alice: What?

Carol (confidently): Really get in there and fight.

(She puts her arm around Alice and they head to the kitchen. Next, the family room looks like a campaign area, with signs all over. Alice comes in to see Carol.)

Alice: Can you use some more sandwiches, Mrs.Brady?

Carol: Oh, thanks alice. Hey girls, (to her friends) Hey girls, more sandwiches. Just dig in, okay.

(The phone rings.)

Alice (answering): Save Woodland Park, it’s for the birds. (Pause) Oh, yes, Mrs. Burns, okay. Right away, hmm. Uh, Peter, Peter, precinct three needs more petitions and more handbills, okay?

Peter: Okay. (to Carol) Mom, I thought of a new slogan.

Carol: Yeah.

Peter: Mother Nature’s still alive and living in Woodland Park.

Carol: Peter, that’s great.

(Greg runs in.)

Greg: Look, Mom, Mr. Clinton agreed to run off as many as these bumper stickers as we need, free.

Carol: Hey, we’ll put them on every bumper in this town.

Greg: Including the mayor’s.

Bobby: Hey, Mom, we made a new sign.

Cindy: How do you like it?

Carol: Oh, I think it’s beautiful.

Jan: S.O.P. What does that mean?

Bobby: Save our park, S.O.P.

Carol: Sure, silly. (The phone rings and Carol answers it) Save Woodland Park. (Pause) Hey, Rhonda, that’s great. You bet. We’ll be there in full strength. (to her friends) Hey girls, we put our first press conference set,and guess what. it’s going to be held smack dab on the front steps of City Hall.

(The kids cheer. We show the family an d a group of others on a protest march, while they’re playing patriotic music. Mr. Phillips storms into Mike’s office.)

Phillips: Mike.

Mike: Yes, Mr. Phillips.

Phillips: I just came from City Hall. It’s virtually under siege.

Mike: Siege, under siege?

Phillips: There’s a whole mass of people milling around, holding a press conference, and they’re saying some pretty nasty things about leveling parks and building courthouses.

Mike: Mr. Phillips, that’s democracy at work. It’s free speech.

Phillips (bitterly): Seven of them are named Brady.

Mike: Well, look, Mr. Phillips, Woodland park is right near our home.

Phillips: Mike, your family is jeopardizing to our contract with the city, and that contract is awfully important to this firm.

Mike: Woodland Park is very important to my family.

Phillips: Mike, let me put it this way. What’s important to you? Your job for instance? I mean, how am I going to explain your position to my board of directors?

Mike: Meaning what, Mr. Phillips?


(Mr. Philips storms out of the office, leaving Mike to ponder how to remedy the situation as the scene fades.)

untitled s.o.p.

(The next scene has Mike coming home, extremely upset over the situation.)

Carol: Oh hi, honey.

Mike: Hello, sweetheart.

(He kisses her. Carol notices his somber mood.)

Carol: What’s wrong?

(Mike groans as he puts his briefcase down.)

Mike: I don’t like ultimatums no matter how nicely they’re put.

Carol: Ultimatums, what about?

(Mike walks up the stairs as Cindy and Peter come down, with Peter holding his sign.)

Cindy: We had a press conference.

Mike: Yeah, I know.

Peter: Hey Dad, how do you like my sign?

Mike: Just fine, Peter.

(He walks by them angrily.)

Peter (to Carol): What’s wrong with Dad?

Cindy: Is he sick?

Carol: Well, your father’s got something on his mind, and, Alice has got dinner on the stove so let’s wash up.

(She sends them upstairs and goes out to the kitchen to see Alice.)

Carol: Anything I can do, Alice?

Alice: Not a thing, Mrs. Brady.

Carol (peeking in the pot): Mmm, that should help.

Alice: Help what?

Carol: Mr. Brady’s disposition. He’s pretty upset about something at the office.

Alice: Well, there’s nothing like food to take your mind off your troubles. If your trouble isn’t heartburn, that is.

(Greg is in the family room reading. Mr. Phillips calls and Carol answers.)

Carol: I’ll get it, Alice. (She picks up the phone) Hello.

Phillips: Hello, Mrs. Brady. This is Harry Phillips.

Carol: Hello Mr. Phillips. I’ll get Mike for you.

Phillips: No, no, no, wait a minute. It’s you I want to talk to. I guess Mike’s told you all about it.

Carol: All about it?

Phillips: I wanted to give you my side of it. I regret the stand I had to take with Mike today, but, I do have a business to run.

Carol: Well, Mr. Phillips…

Phillips: I know you’ll do the right thing, Mrs. Brady. So you just stop bothering City Hall with your women’s club and we’ll forget what I said about Mike’s job.

Carol: Oh, I see. Well, thank you for calling, Mr. Philips. (She hangs up) So that’s what bothering Mike, Woodland Park or his job.

(Carol goes into Mike’s office, where he is working on a design.)

Carol: How goes it, honey?

Mike: Oh, just fine, sweetheart.

Carol: Mike, I’ve been thinking, it seems so futile to fight City Hall and, well, I think I’m going to give it up.

Mike (looking up): Give it up, hey, that doesn’t sound like the Joan the Arc of Woodland Park I know. Why the sudden switch?

Carol: Well, it’s such a big deal, you know. They’re a bunch of tough, battle scarred politicians and we’re just a bunch of naïve rookies.

Mike: Well, I’ll tell you, I’ll take a beautiful blonde rookie over a tough old politician any day.

(They hug and kiss. Greg comes in.)

Greg (knocking): Dad.

Mike: Will you cool it while I’m through smooching with my blonde rookie here?

Greg: Dad.

Mike: What is it, son?

Greg: Well, us kids have been thinking and we decided that Woodland Park just isn’t worth fighting for.

Mike (shocked): What?

Greg: We can find another place to play. Besides, it’s too much work keeping the park clean.

Mike (suspicious): Okay you two, what gives?

Carol: Gives?

Mike: Yeah, it doesn’t take a Jack Frost to recognize a snow job. Come on, come on, come on.

Greg: Well, I overheard Mom talking to your boss.

Carol: Mr. Phillips called.

Mike: He called you?

Carol: Well, he wanted to explain things.

Mike: Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Carol (impatiently): Well, I know, I now, from his point of view.

Mike: I know, but let’s remember my point of view. Now look, we made a deal. You do your thing, I do mine. Nothing’s changed. Woodland Park was worth fighting for, it’s worth fighting for now. You want to fight City Hall or you wanna fight me?

Greg: City Hall, and we better hit the pavement with those petitions again.

(He leaves the den.)

Carol: Mike.

Mike: Hmm.

Carol: What if you lose your job?

Mike: Well honey, the only thing we have to fear is the unemployment office.

Carol: I love you.

Mike: Hmm.

(They kiss. Alice is outside a house with Marcia, Bobby and Cindy.)

Alice: Marcia, you take that house over there. We’ll try here, okay.

Marcia: Okay, be right back.

Bobby: Can we do this one ourselves, Alice?

Alice: Oh, okay, I’ll wait right here.

(They walk up to the door and ring the bell. A man comes out.)

Man: What do you want?

Bobby: Will you please sign a petition, mister?

Cindy: To save Woodland Park.

Man: Save it from what?

Bobby: They want to put up a crummy old building.

Cindy: And it’s the only park left where us kids can play.

Bobby: Mom says it belongs to the people.

(The man bitterly shakes his head no.)

Man: You radicals sure start young.

(He goes inside and closes the door.)

Cindy: What’s a radical?

Bobby (shrugging): I guess it’s somebody who likes to play in parks.

(They walk over to Alice.)

Cindy: He wouldn’t sign, Alice.

Alice: Yeah, I heard. (She takes Cindy’s petition) Here, let me have a try. You two go and join Marcia, okay?

(Alice goes up to the door and rings the bell.)

Man: Yeah.

Alice: Hi there. Is the lady of the house at home?

Man: Well, there ain’t no lady of the house.

Alice: You mean a big, strong, handsome man like you isn’t married?

Man: Well, maybe it’s that I ain’t met Miss Right yet.

(They laugh.)

Alice: Well, if you were married, and if you had kids, I can tell that you’re the kind of sensitive, intelligent guy that would want them to have a safe place to play, right?

Man: You sure got me pegged, sister. (He checks her over) Say, uh, I don’t see no ring on that finger, either.

Alice: No, they just call me Alice Available. (They both laugh again) Would you like to sign a petition to save a park for kids?

Man: Oh, sure. (He takes the paper and signs) Say, uh, what are you doing tonight, cutie?

Alice: Well, I just thought I’d play it by ear.

Man: What do you say we get together, you know, find some real romantic spot, like, my place? Get it?

Alice: Do I ever. (He hands the petition back after signing) Zip code. (He writes it down) Why don’t you get a couple of big juicy steaks, a bottle of champagne, couple of candles for the table, got the picture?

Man (handing back the petition): I got it.

Alice: And my boyfriend and I will be over to eat it.

Man: Right.

(She walks away and the man realizes he’d been had.)

(Next, Peter and Jan are racing through the kitchen with signs. Alice slows them down.)

Alice: Hold it!

Peter: We’ll be late, Alice.

Jan: We’re on picket duty from 4 to 5 on City Hall.

Alice: Well, your mother called from the combat zone. There’s been a change in strategy.

Jan: What kind of change?

Alice: You’re on park duty. Your brothers and sisters are over there right now cleaning it up.

Jan: What’s the use of keeping it clean if we might lose it?

Alice: That’s the wrong attitude. You got to stay confident. And remember what John Paul Jones always said when things looked bad?

Jan: What?

Alice: Well, I don’t remember exactly, but, it worked every time.

Peter: I remember what he said. I have not yet begun to fight.

Alice: Right, that’s it, and that’s the spirit. Okay kids, let’s go, hup 2,3,4, hup.

(The next scene has carol laying on the family room couch with Alice putting pillows underneath her feet.)

Alice: Oh, that’s a couple of picket weary dogs you got there, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Oh, Alice, I bet if I put them in water, they’d steam. Are the kids over at the park?

Alice: Yeah, they’re cleaning it up.

Carol: I hope we’re doing the right thing, Alice.

Alice: I know what you mean, Mrs. Brady, but that’s the way Mr. Brady wants it.

Mike (walking in): Exactly the way.

Carol: Oh, hi dear, I didn’t hear you come in.

Alice: I’ll see about dinner.

(She goes to the kitchen.)

Mike: Well, how’s my little wife, the picket?

(He reaches down and kisses her.)

Carol: Worried. How did it go today?

Mike: Oh, fine. Just fine.

Carol: Well, didn’t Mr. Phillips say anything?

Mike: No, not a word. Not a single word.

Carol: Wonderful!

Mike: He was out all day.

Carol: Oh, Mike. Well, maybe he’ll change his mind.

Mike: Why? He thinks he’s right.

Carol: Well, I think he’s wrong.

(Greg, Cindy and Peter come in.)

Peter: We cleaned up the park.

Greg: Dad, will you drive us over to the dump so we can unload all the stuff we collected?

Cindy: It’s outside in bags.

Mike: Okay, give me a minute to change me duds.

(He gets up to go upstairs.)

Cindy: Daddy, can I go with you? I love dumps. They’re nice and messy.

(Mike leaves with the kids. We show them returning home.)

Carol: Hi kids, hi honey. Perfect timing. Dinner’s almost ready, so hurry up and wash up.

Mike (going up to Carol): Hi, honey.

Carol: Oh, hi dear.

(He kisses her.)

Mike: Listen, I got more important things to do right now than eat. Okay?

Carol: What’s up?

Mike: I think, I think I got the answer to the Woodland Park problem.

Carol: Oh honey, that’s wonderful.

Mike: Yeah, yeah, I’ll be in my den.

Carol: Well, what about dinner?

Mike: Keep it warm. I’ll have it for breakfast.

(We see Mike hard at work in his den working on some designs to move the courthouse to the City Dump. Afterwards, he shows his plans to Mr. Philips at the office.)

Mike: The city dump property is a perfect site for the courthouse, Mr. Philips. With this new freeway section open, it has easier access than Woodland Park, and better working facilities.

Phillips: And you say the costs are lower?

Mike: Oh, considerably. Woodland Park has terrific drainage problems and storm drains don’t come cheap.

Phillips: Oh, hardly.

Mike: Well, what do you think?

Phillips: Mike, I think you got a splendid idea here. I’ll submit it to City Hall immediately.

Mike: Think they’ll buy it?

Phillips: They’ll be crazy not to. It’s a bargain. And who doesn’t look for a bargain. Except my wife.

(The next scene has Mike at home in the family room, with Carol, Marcia and Greg.)

Mike: No, that be no problem at all. Oh, I’ll get on it right away. Great, Mr. Phillips. Yeah, I’ll see you in the morning. (He hangs up, to the others) They bought it! The whole idea!

(They cheer and Carol hugs Mike.)

Alice (coming in): What happened?

Carol: Alice, we won!

Greg: We get to keep the park!

(Alice whistles in victory.)

Mike: Listen, that’s not all. City Hall wants me to design the new city courthouse.

Carol (hugging him): Oh, Mike!

Greg: That’s great, Dad!

Carol: Hey, wait a minute. Will Mr. Phillips go along with that?

Mike: Oh, I hate to tell you, you can’t fight City Hall.

Greg: Oh, yes you can Dad, yes you can.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike showing Carol his design of the new courthouse.)

Carol: Mike, that courthouse is the most beautiful building I’ve ever seen.

Mike: Oh, you say that about all my buildings.

(Greg comes in in a depressed mood.)

Greg: Hi, Dad.

Carol: Oh hi, Greg. What’s the matter.

Greg: Guess what?

Carol: what?

Greg: They finally decided where to locate the new city dump.

Mike: Oh yeah, where?

Greg: Inside Woodland Park.

Carol (upset): Woodland Park?

Mike: The new dump?

Greg: I just heard it on the news. ( he starts walking away) Oh, and I’ll tell you something else, too.

Carol and Mike: What?

Greg: I’m putting you on.

(They get upset and chase him out of the den. Mike takes his plans to hit him with.)

untitled petition

                                  THE END

S2 E21 The Winner

untitled trophy

The Winner

Written by Elroy Schwartz

Bobby feels sorry for himself when he realizes he’s the only Brady kid who hasn’t won a trophy. He then becomes a frantic competitor, entering contest after contest. I hope you enjoy the script.












BOY selling magazines

CARTOON KING, host of  a children’s show

(The episode begins with Greg and Peter playing basketball and Cindy coming up to them. She shows them a trophy she just won. She runs inside the house and shows Alice. Next, she runs down the stairs with the rest of the family, with Alice waiting.)

Carol: What is all the excitement?

Greg: What is going on here, we were playing basketball.

Cindy: Look what I won, Mommy.

Mike: Hey, That’s some trophy. Look at that.

Cindy: Look, Daddy.

Marcia: How did you win it?

Cindy: For being the best jack player at the playground.

(The family checks out the trophy and praises Cindy.)

Greg (looking at the trophy): Nice going, Cindy.

Peter: Yeah.

Greg: It’s really neat.

Peter: Wow.

Mike: Looks like we’re gonna hafta build a trophy case for all the Brady trophies, right?

(Bobby starts to walk upstairs.)

Peter: Hey Bobby, where are you going?

(Bobby goes into his room and checks out the trophies won by his brothers. He puts on an alligator mask, then goes in the girls’ room and sees Marcia’s and Jan’s trophies.)

Bobby: Now everyone’s got a trophy, except me. I’ll never win at anything.

(He puts the mask over his face as the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Bobby moping in the closet and Carol and Mike come in to see him.)

Bobby: Hi.

Carol: Hi. What are you doing in there?

Bobby: Thinking.

Mike: You want to do some talking?

Bobby: Okay.

(Bobby remains in the closet.)

Mike: You want to come out or should we come in?

Bobby: I don’t think there’s anything you can do.

(He comes out of the closet and sits down on the top bunk.)

Carol: Well, you never can tell. Why don’t you try us, honey.

Bobby: Well (Pause) Well (Pause) It’s (Pause) It’s nothing.

Mike: Oh, if it takes that long to say it’s nothing, it’s something.

Carol: Bobby, if you don’t tell us we can’t help you.

Bobby (petulantly): Everybody’s won a trophy except me, even the girls.

Carol: But Bobby, they’re older than you.

Bobby: Well Cindy isn’t, and boy, if she can win one and I can’t, I’m nothing.

Mike: Well son, you know, you haven’t entered that many contests.

Bobby: Sure I have. The last one was the swimming race at he Y. I came in fourth.

Carol: Well, I think that’s pretty good.

Bobby: There were only four guys in the race.

Mike: Look, how are you going to win at anything if you don’t keep trying?

Carol: Your father’s right, you know.

Bobby: You really think so?

Mike: I’m positive. Just pick something you’re good at, just one thing, stick with it.

Carol: And then I’ll bet you’ll win.

Bobby: One thing, huh?

(Bobby is playing a game of checkers with Peter.)

Peter: Ha ha, triple jump, you can’t win now. You wanna play another game?

Bobby (angry): No, dumb game.

(He shoves the checker board and storms off, to Peter’s surprise.)

(Next, Marcia and Jan are playing a ring toss game in the backyard, with Bobby looking on.)

Marcia (giggling to Jan): Okay, come on.

(Jan throws a ring on the pole and she nd Marcia cheer.)

Marcia: You got it!

Jan: I can’t believe it!

Bobby: That’s a cinch, anybody can get it from there.

Jan: If it’s so easy, let’s see you do it.

Marcia: Yeah.

(Jan gets all the rings form the pole.)

Marcia; Hurry up.

Jan (to Bobby): You can have all of them.

Marcia: Okay.

(Bobby throws one ring but misses.)

Marcia: That was a good try, Bobby. Do it again.

(Bobby angrily throws the rest of the rings and runs off)

(Greg meets Peter outside.)

Peter: Hey, where you going? I thought we were gonna shoot some baskets.

Greg (upset): I thought so, too. But Bobby doesn’t think so and it’s ball.

Peter: So what?

Greg: So I beat him at free throws and now he won’t let us use it.

(The next scene has Greg and Marcia angrily marching to Mike and Carol.)

Greg: Dad, Mom, can we see you for a minute?

Carol: What’s up?

Marcia: Well, we’ve all talked it over and…

Greg: All of us except Bobby.

Marcia: Yeah, except Bobby and we think you should know.

Mike: Know what?

Greg: Well, Bobby’s been a real stinker.

Carol: Greg, you know I don’t like that word.

Greg: It’s the only word that really fits, mom.

Carol: Well, what’s the problem?

Marcia: Everything. No matter what any of us are doing, he’s just a real stinker.

Carol (firmly): Marcia, I just told Greg I don’t wanna hear that word.

Marcia: Sorry, Mom, but that’s what he’s been.

Greg: He blows his cork every time he doesn’t win at something.

Mike: Well then, that’s it.

Carol: Bobby’s still upset.

Greg: What’s he upset about?

Carol: Well, all the rest of you kids have won trophies for one thing or another.

Mike: And he’s the only one who hasn’t and it’s got him down.

Greg: Gee, I never thought about that.

Marcia: Me either.

Greg: It’s really got him bugged, huh.

Carol: Sure, that’s the reason he’s being such a…

Greg, Marcia and Mike: Stinker.

Carol (laughing): Stinker.

Mike: Well, I hope he wins at something soon. It’s the only thing he seems to have on his mind.

(That evening, Bobby is sleeping and has a dream he’s in the Dodgers.)

Announcer: It’s the last game in the World Series, and it’s up to Bobby Brady. Two out in the ninth, the series is all tied up. Can he do it? Can he pull it out of the bag for the Dodgers? (We see a shot of a batter (Bobby) hitting the ball) Bobby Brady did it! He hit his fifth home run of the game, a World Series record! The Dodgers win! (We next see Bobby being presented with a trophy) Bobby Brady, we present you with this trophy for the greatest performance on the baseball field in the history of the game.

Bobby (holding the trophy): That was nothing. Wait till next season.

(Bobby has another dream of being  a speedboat driver.

Announcer: Can Bobby Brady do it? Can he come from last place, with a hole in his boat, not enough gas, and only a hundred yards left. (We show his speedboat picking up speed) Bobby Brady is making his move. He did it, it’s fantastic! Believe it or not, Bobby Brady won. (We see Bobby about to receive a new trophy) Bobby Brady, congratulations. You’re the world’s greatest speedboat driver.

Bobby: Sure looks that way.

(He get his trophy and then has another dream of being a ski jumper.)

Announcer: The last jumper of the day is Bobby Brady. Here he comes. He takes off like a bird. He’s flying, flying, still flying, he broke the world’s record! Bobby Brady wins! (Bobby comes out to receive his trophy) Bobby Brady, we present you with this trophy for being the best ski jumper who ever lived.

(Bobby wakes up and falls out of bed. He notices one of his brother’s trophies on the desk.)

Bobby (to himself): I just gotta getta trophy, I just gotta get one.

(The scene fades.)

untitled contest

(The next scene has Bobby in the family room. He is watching Kartoon King on television.)

Kartoon King: All right all you kiddies out there, this is Kartoon King reminding you to be sure and wash your ears good tonight because in case you dream, you want to hear what you’re dreaming about. You get it? (laughing) You can hear what you’re… Oh, I made that up myself. Oh, and I want to remind you to be sure to tune in tomorrow to Kartoon King because I’ve got a real wonderful announcement to make. A real special surprise. Well, so long, kids. Bye bye now.

(The doorbell rings. Alice comes in from the kitchen.)

Alice: Bobby, can you catch that? I can’t leave the kitchen. (He turns off the television, then runs to the door.) If you don’t time noodles just right, you’ve got a pot full of rubber bands.

(The doorbell rings and Bobby catches it. It’s a boy selling magazines.)

Boy: Hi.

Bobby: Hi.

Boy: Your mother home?

Bobby: No.

Boy: Your father home?

Bobby: No. What do you want?

Boy: I’m selling magazines.

Bobby: Magazines, what kind?

Boy: All kinds. You wanna buy a subscription?

Bobby: No.

Boy: Okay.

Bobby: Boy, you sure don’t know how to sell anything.

Boy: I do too.

Bobby: Then how come you give up so easy?

Boy: Why waste my time on you? I’m trying to win a contest.

Bobby: Contest, what kind?

Boy: For selling the most prescriptions.

Bobby: What’s the prize?

Boy: First prize is a college education, but I’d rather have the second prize, a mini-bike. Then there’s this trophy.

Bobby: All you have to do to win is sell dumb old magazines?

Boy: Uh-huh, and I’m going to win.

Bobby: Oh yeah, I bet I can sell more prescriptions than you.

Boy: I bet you couldn’t.

Bobby: I’ll prove it. How do I get in?

Boy: You got to send in an application?

Bobby: Where do I get one?

Boy: Out of one of these magazines. You want to have one?

Bobby: Sure.

(He reaches for a magazine but the boy stops him.)

Boy: That’ll be 35 cents.

(Bobby takes money out of his pocket. Carol comes into Mike’s den.)

Carol: Guess what I just bought.

Mike: Whatever it is, I would gladly exchange it for a plaster screw. I’m going to have to go to the hardware store. What’s that?

Carol: A subscription to a magazine.

Mike: Another magazine. Carol, this place is beginning to look like a dentist’s office.

Carol: Well, I’m sorry. I just couldn’t resist the salesman.

Mike (jealous): Oh really, Carol, hmmm.

Carol: Yeah, he’s got beautiful brown hair and big green eyes and he’s 4″3″.

Mike: The only person I know who’s 4’3″ is…

Carol: Bobby.

Mike: Bobby?

Carol: Yeah, he’s in a magazine selling contest. (She gets an idea) We do know an awful lot of people.

Mike (getting the idea): You mean, between the two of us, we could…

Carol: that’s exactly what I was thinking.

(They hug. Carol is on the phone with one of her friends.)

Carol: I really enjoyed lunch, Kathy. Yeah, I’ll have to get the recipe for that salad dressing. Listen, Kathy, uh, I’d like to ask you a little favor. Yeah, well, you know Bobby is selling subscriptions to a magazine.

Mike: Yeah, next Saturday’s great, I’ll meet you at the tee at 7:00 sharp. Oh, George, listen, I might just give you two strokes aside this time. Yeah, yeah, that’s right, two strokes aside. Yeah, and by the way, George, my son Bobby is selling magazines.

(Upstairs, Greg and Peter state they bought subscriptions from Bobby.)

Greg: You too? How many subscriptions did you take?

Peter: Just one, for the sports magazines. That’s all I could afford.

Greg: I ordered three magazines.

Peter: Three? Where did you get the money?

Greg: Dad raised my allowance.

(Marcia is in her room and Jan and Cindy come running in.)

Cindy: Marcia, will you lend me a dollar?

Jan: And me 70 cents?

Marcia: What for?

Jan: What else, I’m gonna order one of Bobby’s magazines.

Cindy: I’m taking two subscriptions to the same magazine.

Marcia: Why would you take two subscriptions to the same magazine?

Cindy: I guess Bobby’s a good salesman.

(Alice is in the kitchen waving a mop as Carol comes to see her.)

Carol (calling): Alice!

Alice: Yes, Mrs. Brady.

Carol (coming from the service porch): I’m very angry with you.

Alice: You are, what did I do?

Carol: Really, Alice. 6 subscriptions from Bobby.

Alice: Oh, that. I’m sorry Mrs. Brady. That’s all I could afford.

Carol: Oh, Alice.

(She laughs. Bobby is in his room counting his orders. Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Bobby.

Bobby: Yeah.

Cindy: Can I trade one of my comic magazines for a beauty magazine?

Bobby: Okay.

Cindy: What are you doing?

Bobby: Straightening out my orders. Boy, am I a salesman. Wait until I tell Mom and Dad I sold magazines to a lot of their friends. Mr. Jackson and Mr. Morton.

Cindy: They know that.

Bobby: How?

Cindy: Because they told all of them that (Pause) Well, they just know.

Bobby: They told all of them what?

Cindy: Nothing, I think I hear Marcia calling me.

(She runs in her room.)

Bobby: They told all of them what?

(Downstairs, Carol is dressed up and ready to go out.)

Alice: Well, don’t you look pretty.

Carol: Oh, thanks, Alice. We should be home fairly early.

Mike (calling): Carol!

Carol: I’m coming, dear. (to Alice) Now listen, Alice, if you need us, the Baxters number is in the book, okay?

Alice: Okay.

Carol: Good night, dear.

Alice: Good night, have fun.

(Carol runs to the living room to join Mike.)

Mike: Honey, we’re 15 minutes late.

Carol: Oh, I’m sorry, dear.

Bobby (coming down the stairs): Mom, Dad, these subscriptions belong to you.

Carol: I don’t understand.

Bobby (upset): you called up all your friends and told them to buy subscriptions from me.

Mike: Well, I suppose that’s true. But you sold the magazines to them.

Bobby: No I didn’t, you did, because you don’t think I can win anything on my own.

Carol: Oh, honey, yes we do.

Bobby: I’ll win something on my own or else I won’t win at all.

(He throws the subscriptions on the floor and storms upstairs on the verge of tears.)

Carol: You know, Mike, I think we made a mistake.

Mike: Well, honey, parents can be human, too.

(The next day, Bobby is in the family room watching Kartoon King and wearing his alligator mask.)

Kartoon King: Okay, all you kids out there in my Kartoon Kingdom, who likes ice cream? If you do, shout me.

Bobby: Me!

Kartoon King: What’s your favorite flavor?

Bobby (lifting his mask): Strawberry.

Kartoon King: Oh, everybody who said chocolate, raise your hand.

Bobby: Chocolate? (He blows a raspberry)

Kartoon King: Oh, no matter. Whether you like chocolate or what flavor, you like ice cream and you are going to enter our contest of eating ice cream. Now, that means that we’re looking for the boy or the girl who can eat ice cream faster than anyone else.

Bobby: I can eat it fast.

Kartoon King (cackling): What fun. And the winner will receive my Kartoon King golden scoop trophy, plus, all the ice cream you can eat for a whole yummy year.

(He rubs his stomach.)

Bobby: Wow, a whole year?

Kartoon King: Now, the first six kids out there who call me at the station are going to get picked for our great delicious lick-off. Here’s the telephone number. Are you ready, kids?

Bobby: Yeah.

Kartoon King: Listen. 555-6161, and if that’s a toll call, it’s still 555-6161. Get on those phones and make them hum.

(Bobby gets on the phone and dials. He makes a mistake and hangs up. He dials again.)

Bobby: Kartoon King show? My name is Bobby Brady, and can I eat ice cream fast.

(Next, Bobby is leaving with Carol and Mike for the contest. Alice and the rest of the kids are seeing him off.)

Carol: Come on, Bobby honey, we’re going to be late.

Greg (shouting): Good luck, Bobby.

Marcia: Have a good time!

Jan: You’ll win!

Alice: You can out lick them, Bobby.

Marcia: You’ll do it, Bobby!

Jan: You sure can!

Bobby (getting in the car): Don’t worry, I’ll win.

(The kids continue to cheer him on as they drive off.)

(Down at the station, Bobby and the other kids in the contest are getting ready as Kartoon King and his crew are about to start the show. Kartoon King hands a crewman his glass of water.)

Kartoon King: My water, take my water. Oh, my scepter, bring me my scepter.

(A camera man yelled they had 10 seconds to go.)

Kartoon King: 10 seconds? Phew!

(Meanwhile, Carol is helping Bobby get ready. Bobby accidentally gets ice cream on his plastic smock.)

Bobby: Ew, yuck.

Carol: Oh, that’s okay, honey. Good luck honey.

(A trumpet sound signals the show is starting. The Kartoon King looks at the camera and speaks.)

Kartoon King: Hi there, boys and girls out in Kartoon Kingdom. It’s time for our ice cream eating contest. You’re going to have a lot of fun today, I know. And, the one who finishes his dish first is going to win this great big Kartoon King golden scoop trophy. What fun! Ha-ha, how about that, kids, huh? Well, now, and for one whole yummy year, all the ice cream the winner can eat. (He turns to the kids) Okay, kids, are we ready? are we ready? All right then, on your mark, get set, and… hold it just a minute. (He noticed all the kids had spoons) Where did you get these spoons? No spoons allowed in this contest. No, sir. (He looks at the camera) Right, kids? Ha-ha, oh, yeah. No spoons allowed in this contest at all. (He turns to Bobby, who is seated at the end of the table) Why, it isn’t any fun eating ice cream with a spoon.

Bobby: How are we supposed to eat it?

Kartoon King: Well, that’s a good question, and I’ve got a good answer. With your mouth. (He looks at the camera again) Ha-ha, with your mouth, right kids? Ha-ha, all right, here we go then, everybody ready? On your mark, get ready, get set, get ready and, oh, hold it, hold it. (He notices the kids are about to dig their hands in the ice cream) I forgot again.Hands behind your backs everybody. (They put their hands behind them) That’s it. All the way behind your backs, that’s it. Put your hands, that’s good, all right. I think we’re ready now.  (Alice and the kids are watching from home) On your mark, get ready, hands behind your back, get set, and, hold it just a minute! I really forgot something this time. Oh. (He gets some whipped cream and adds it to the ice cream) Look at this, oh. look, isn’t this beautiful? That looks just good enough to eat, doesn’t it. Oh, isn’t that great? All right then, all right, kids, are you all ready? Are you ready? All right, here we go then, on your mark, get ready, all your hands behind your backs? Good. Get set, go!

(Bobby and the other kids start eating the ice cream while the kids and Alice watch from the family room, as well as Carol and Mike from the side of the set. They play carnival music while they show Bobby and the kids eating as fast as they can. Suddenly, one kid raises his hand.)

Kartoon Kid: Hold it! Hold it! We have a winner. (to the winning kid) Well, hey, you are some eater. (Someone hands him the trophy to present to the kid) Your whole mouth, right kids?

(He follows the remark with a horselaugh as the kids and Alice look on with anguish, as do Mike and Carol. Bobby sits there glumly with his mouth covered with chocolate and dripping from his chin.)

Bobby (to himself): I lost, again.

(Mike, Carol and Bobby are returning home from the contest. They are surprised to see all the lights are out.)

Carol: Hey, that’s strange. Looks like everybody’s out of the house.

Bobby: They didn’t want to stay home and see a loser.

Mike: Now that’ll do, Bob.

(They enter the house and turn on the light.)

Mike: Anybody home?

Carol: Gee, I wonder where everybody went.

(They head toward the living room.)

Mike: Alice?

(Greg and Peter turn one of the light son and yell surprise. Marcia and Jan do the same, as do Alice and Cindy. Then they all come to greet Bobby and congratulate him. )

Bobby: Don’t you know I lost? Didn’t you watch?

Marcia: We know, we saw the show.

Bobby: Then what are you congratulating me for?

(Greg pulls out a trophy.)

Greg: Well, we got this for you.

Bobby: A trophy, what for?

Peter: Read what’s on it?

Bobby (reading): To our brother Bobby, for trying harder than anyone we know. We’re proud of him. Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Cindy. (He looks up at them) Are you really proud of me?

All the kids: Sure!

Greg: Sure we are.

Bobby (excited): Boy, this is the best trophy in the world.

Cindy: Can we start the party now before the ice cream melts?

(She points to the dinner table, with ice cream and a note stating for our brother the champ.)

Bobby (disgusted): Ice cream? Ick.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike and Carol in the kitchen, drinking coffee.)

Carol: Well, we managed to survive another crisis.

Mike: That should take care of the trophies around here for a while.

Alice: There’s another one I’d like to contribute to the household collection, Mr. Brady.

(She shows them a trophy she won long before.)

Mike: Hey Alice, that’s a beauty. Where did you win that?

Alice: High school.

Carol: Let me see. (She takes the trophy and reads) Westdale High School, 19, I can’t make out the date.

Alice (proudly): I know. It was easier before I used the steel wool on it.

(Mike takes it.)

Mike: Let’s see. Alice Nelson, first place school modern dance contest?

Carol: Hey Alice, that’s great. Why didn’t you tell us you were such a good dancer?

Alice: Well, actually, I didn’t know it myself. You’d be surprised at the moves you make when the elastic breaks in your gym bloomers.

(Mike and Carol laugh.)

untitled winner



S2 E20 Lights Out

untitled nightmares

Lights Out

Written by Bruce Howard

Cindy refuses to sleep with the lights out for fear of nightmares after seeing a magic trick. Hope you enjoy the script.











SALESMAN at magic shop

WARREN, contestant at Peter’s talent show

JUDGE at talent show

(The episode begins in the girls’ room, where they are all sleeping. Cindy wakes up and turns the lights on, awakening her sisters.)

Marcia: What’s the big idea?

Cindy: I can’t sleep with the lights off.

(Marcia gets up to turn the lights off. Cindy goes to turn them back on.)

Jan: Cindy, will you cut it out? (She gets out of bed) How are we supposed to sleep with the lights on?

(She turns them off again. Cindy turns them on.)

Cindy: If you go to sleep, you can’t see them on.

Marcia: If you go to sleep, you won’t see them off.

(Jan again turns off the lights, but Cindy turns them back on.)

Cindy (whining): I want them on!

Jan: Off!

Cindy: On!

(Mike comes in the room.)

Mike: Do you girls know what time it is? What are you doing up? Off with the lights, go to bed.

Cindy: But Daddy.

Mike: Good night.

(He turns the lights out but Cindy turns them back on.)

Marcia: She won’t sleep with the lights out.

Mike: That’s not like you. What do you want the lights on for?

Cindy: I just do.

Mike: Why?

Cindy: I’m (Pause) scared.

Mike: Honey, what are you scared of?

Cindy: I better not tell you, it’ll get me too scared.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Cindy in Carol and Mike’s room.)

Cindy: Please, can I sleep with you tonight?

Carol: Cindy, honey, what are you so afraid of?

Cindy: If I tell you, can I sleep with you tonight?

Mike: Cindy, you girls have your own room.

Cindy: Please, just this once.

Carol: All right, just this once.

Cindy: Thank you.

Carol: Come on, here.

(She crawls into bed with them.)

Mike: Listen, what were you so frightened of?

Cindy: It was something I saw?

Carol: What?

Cindy: A magician at Jeremy’s birthday party.

Mike: What happened?

Cindy: He put a lady into a big box and made her disappear.

Carol (laughing): Oh, well, honey, the lady didn’t really disappear. That’s just part of the trick.

Mike: Sure. First you see her, then she disappears, then you see her again.

Cindy: I didn’t see her again.

Carol: But you had to, honey. That’s part of the trick.

Cindy: When she disappeared, I ran out. (She yawns) But I feel much safer now.

Carol: Oh, good. (whispering to Mike) I think she’s going to be all right now. Good night, sweetheart.

She and Mike kiss and turn out the lights.)

Cindy (waking up): It’s dark again!

Carol: Cindy.

Cindy: Please turn the light on.

(Carol turns it back on.)

Mike: Cindy, there is nothing to be afraid of in the dark.

Cindy: But that’s when I think about the lady.

Carol: But darling, that’s just your imagination. Now come on, lie down. Mommy will show you. Now close your eyes. (Cindy shuts her eyes) That’s it. Now I want you to think of something real pleasant. (Cindy smiles) That’s my girl. I bet you’re not seeing that lady disappear now, are you? (Cindy shakes her head no) No, of course not. (Mike smiles his approval) Good night, sweetheart.

(They turn the light s out one last time.)

Cindy (waking up): I’m thinking again.

(The next day, Mike comes home early from work.)

Mike (coming in the door): Hello, I’m home. (Alice comes out to greet him) Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi Mr. Brady, what are you doing home so early?

Mike (tired): I couldn’t keep my eyes open at the office, I was up half the night with Cindy.

Alice: I got, some of this morning’s coffee left over. That might wake you up.

Mike: Yeah, I’m gonna look in the icebox.

(They go into the kitchen and Mike grabs an apple. Peter comes in from school.)

Peter: Hi, Dad. Hi, Alice.

Mike and Alice: Hi, Peter.

Peter: Guess what. Our school is putting on an all-time vaudeville show and I signed up for it.

Mike: Hey, terrific.

Peter: Of course you have to try out for it first.

Alice: What kind of act are you gonna do?

Peter: A magic act, like the guy did at Jeremy’s party. That was neat.

Mike: Hmm, I don’t know about that. Maybe we’ve had enough magic around here lately.

Peter: But Dad, I’ve got to have an act.

Alice: Sure, what’s a vaudeville performer without an act? On second thought, it hasn’t stopped some I’ve seen.

(Mike laughs.)

Mike: Hey, now that I think about it, doing magic might help Cindy. The more she sees of tricks and how they work, why, the less she’ll have reason to be afraid.

Alice: That’s a good idea, Mr. Brady.

Peter (excited): You mean I can be a magician?

Mike: Yep.

Alice: I hereby christen thee Peter the Great.

Mike: Well, I think I’ll catch your act later, Peter the Great.

(Mike walks away.)

Peter (to Alice): Boy, wait till I tell everybody.

(Greg and Bobby come in.)

Greg: Tell us what?

Peter: I’m going to be a magician at an all-time vaudeville show. At least I’m gonna try out for it.

Bobby: Neat-o.

Greg: That’s great. I know a couple of tricks can show you how to do.

Alice: I can sew you a fancy cape, Peter.

Bobby: I can help too?

Peter (agitated): How?

Bobby: I can tell you if the trick stinks.

(Alice starts clapping to him with her spatula. The next scene has Mike and Peter down at the magic shop.)

Salesman: You came to the right place mister. Now what kind of tricks did you want to do?

Mike: Well, they’re not for me. They’re for my son here.

Salesman: Oh?

Peter: I’m going to be a magician in a vaudeville show.

Salesman: Good for you, kid. You know, vaudeville ain’t dead. it ain’t feeling too good, but it ain’t dead.

Mike: I think we’d like to see some easy tricks. You know, nothing too difficult.

Salesman: No problem. I have a wonderful trick that any 6 year-old can do. The Chinese linking rings. (He hands them to Peter) Here, separate them, kid.

(Peter tries but fails.)

Peter: I can’t do it.

Salesman: You can’t do it. How old are you?

Peter: 12.

Salesman: No wonder you can’t separate them, you have to be six. Now watch. (He demonstrates the trick) I say the magic words, abracadabra. And slowly the rings separate.

Peter: Wow, how did you do that?

Mike: That’s very good.

Salesman: Good? Sensational. You ain’t seen nothing yet. Now, here’s a trick that the kid can do and stop the show with it. That’s show-biz talk. A simple little trick with a bottle and two empty tubes. You notice that the tube fits right over the bottle, and so does this one (tube). Remember the bottle is here. I say the magic words, abracadabra, and, voila, the bottle has changed places.

Peter: Gee, that’s out of sight.

Mike (taking some money out): I think you made a sale. We’ll take both those tricks.

Salesman: Alrighty. How about something spectacular. You know, like the disappearing cabinet.

Mike: Sounds like it might make too much of my money disappear.

Salesman (laughing): That’s funny, that’s very funny. You’re a riot. Tell you what, sir. (He takes a book out) this book has the blueprints and the illustrations, and you can build your own disappearing cabinet. it’s easy to do and lots of fun.

Peter: Gee, something spectacular like this can be the highlight of my act.

Salesman: You’re right, kid. Every act has got to have a highlight.

Mike: We’ll take the book.

Peter: Thanks, Dad.

Salesman (taking out a wand): Of course, nothing works without this. Every magician has got to have a magic wand. (He hands it to him and it turns into a flower) There you are, kid.

(Back at home, Peter is showing off his magic to Mike, Carol, Alice and Cindy.)

Peter: And now, ladies and gentlemen, my jumping bottle trick. (They all cheer him on) I propose to make the bottle jump from this tube to this tube. Now you see it, and now, abracadabra, Cindy, lift the container.

Carol: Oh, go on, honey, there’s nothing to be afraid of. It’s fun.

(Cindy gets up and lifts the container. Peter lifts the other container with the bottle inside it.)

Peter: The bottle has jumped.

Cindy: Gee, did I do that?

Peter: Of course not. I did. (to the others) You can applaud if you’d like.

(They all clap.)

Alice: Very good, Peter.

Peter: Not good, sensational. You ain’t seen nothing yet.

Mike (to Alice): That’s show-biz talk.

Cindy: Can I help you with another trick, Peter?

Carol: Hey, you know, Peter, she’d make a real cute assistant for you.

Mike: Hey, that’s a good idea.

Alice: Oh, sure. Every magician ought to have a pretty assistant who dresses up the act.

Peter: Yeah, that’s right. Cindy, do you want to be my assistant.

Cindy: Okay, but first, will you tell me how the trick works?

Peter: Well, first you take the…

(He whispers in her ear.)

Alice: Hey, what about us?

Cindy: Sorry, it’s a secret for us magicians.

(Peter nods and tells her the rest of the secret.)

(Next, he is in the girls’ room demonstrating a trick to Marcia and Jan.)

Peter: I would like to show you my famous disappearing banana trick. (to Cindy) Assistant, the banana, please. (She hands him the banana and he puts it in a box) I say the magic words, abracadabra, and (The banana disappears)

(Marcia and Jan clap.)

Marcia: Wow. that’s really good, Peter.

Cindy: Oh, I get it. the banana…

(He shushes her.)

Peter: You ain’t seen nothing yet. (He does another trick with some handkerchiefs) Assistant, the handkerchiefs, please. (She hands them to him) 1,2, and 1 makes 3. I say the magic words, abracadabra, and, they’re gone.

Marcia: Where did they go?

Peter: They didn’t go anywhere. Assistant.

(Cindy pulls them out.)

Cindy: 1,2, and 1 makes three.

(Marcia and Jan clap.)

Marcia: That is so great.

Jan: That is great.

(Next, Carol and Alice are sewing capes in the family room. Cindy and Peter come in.)

Peter: Are they done yet, Mom?

Carol: Oh, hi kids. Yeah, you’re just in time for a preview. (She shows Peter his cape, with Peter the Great written on it) Here, what do you think? Huh?

Peter: Boy, they’re neat.

Alice: And Cindy, this is yours. How do you like it? Hmm? (She shows her a blank cape and Cindy looks upset) What’s the matter?

Cindy: Isn’t there something missing?

(Alice realizes her mistake and then puts and Cindy on it.)

Alice: All right, is this better?

(She shows her.)

Cindy: Much better.

Carol (laughing): Thank goodness.

(Peter is up in his room trying the cape on, with Bobby watching.)

Bobby: Gee, that looks super.

Peter: Think I oughtta get a mustache to make me look more mysterious.

Greg (coming in the room): Hi, I got something for you.

Peter: What’s that?

Greg: A top hat.

Peter: Wow, that’s great.

Bobby: Where did you get it?

Greg: Randy Baldwin and his father had it in an old trunk. I thought you could use it in your act.

Peter: I sure can.

(He tries it on.)

Greg: It really is a magician’s hat. made your whole head disappear. (Bobby takes it and tries it on) Almost makes your whole body disappear.

(Next, Peter tries to get Cindy to go inside the disappearing cabinet to see how it works.)

Peter: But Cindy, you got to get inside the cabinet so I can make you disappear.

Cindy: I don’t wanna.

Jan: There’s nothing to be afraid of.

Cindy: I’m not afraid.

Jan: She’s afraid all right.

Peter: But there’s nothing to it (calling) Bobby!

Bobby (getting off the swing): Yeah?

(He runs over to Peter.)

Peter: You want to get inside the disappearing cabinet?

Bobby: Sure.

(He gets in.)

Peter: Okay, watch. Now you see him. (He closes the cabinet) I say the magic words, abracadabra, disappear. (He opens it and Bobby’s gone) And he’s gone.

Cindy (frightened): Bring him back, Peter. Bring him back.

Peter: Okay, okay. (He shuts the cabinet) I say the magic words, abracadabra, return from beyond.

(He opens the cabinet but Bobby fails to come back.)

Cindy: Where is he?

Peter: Bobby, did you hear me? Bobby!

Cindy (upset): You made him disappear just like that lady, and he’s never coming back. (She runs away) Mommy, Mommy! Peter made Bobby disappear! Mommy!

Jan (to Peter): Now look what you’ve done. Cindy’s more scared than ever.

Peter (looking around): Bobby, come on!

(The scene fades.)

images magician

(The next scene has Mike coming home. Jan comes and greets him.)

Jan: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart.

Jan: I’m glad you’re home.

Mike: Yeah, me too. (He gets out of his car) I spent all morning in the sand traps. Might as well have gone to the beach.

Jan: Cindy’s all upset again. She’s up in our room and Mom’s with her.

Mike: What happened?

Jan: Bobby disappeared.

Mike: Disappeared?

Jan: Peter made him disappear in the cabinet, and Bobby didn’t come back. I guess Bobby’s playing some kind of a joke.

Mike: Well, not a very funny joke. I’m gonna have a talk with that young man.

Jan: But he’s not here. We’re looking for him.

(Marcia comes out with Peter.)

Marcia: Then what happened?

Peter: I just said the magic words, abracadabra.

Mike: Hey, Peter.

Peter: Yeah, Dad.

Peter (to Marcia): That’s all I did. I just said the magic words.

Mike: Okay, now, what happened?

Peter: I don’t know. I don’t know where he went.

Jan: Me either, Dad. It was weird. All of a sudden he was there and then…

(Bobby finally emerges.)

Bobby: Here I am.

Peter (angry): Bobby, where have you been?

Mike: You want to give us a little explanation?

Bobby: Well, after I got out the secret door, I sneaked out the back of the garage for a joke.

Peter (upset): Some joke.

Bobby: I fooled you, huh?

Mike: You may have fooled us, but you scared Cindy.

Bobby: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that, honest.

Mike: Well, I think Cindy would like to hear your apology. Now, move.

(He grabs Bobby by the neck and makes him go upstairs to see Cindy.)

Peter (to himself): I wonder if Houdini started out like this.

(Cindy is in her room with Carol comforting her.)

Bobby: Cindy, it’s me, Bobby.

Cindy: Bobby!

(She gives him a big hug.)

Bobby: I was only playing a joke. I’m sorry I scared you.

Cindy: I thought you really disappeared.

Bobby: Well, I didn’t. You can let go now.

Cindy (letting go): I’m glad you’re back.

(She kisses him.)

Bobby: What did you have to do that for?

(He wipes the kiss off and leaves. Mike hits him on the back with a magazine he’s carrying.)

Carol: Now do you understand there wasn’t anything to be afraid of?

Cindy: Uh-huh, but I don’t want to be Peter’s magic assistant anymore.

Mike: Hey, he’s counting on you for his tryout tomorrow afternoon, honey.

Cindy: Jan knows what to do. She can take my place.

Carol: But Cindy, I told you there’s no reason to be afraid.

Cindy: I’m not afraid. But if it’s okay, tonight I think I’ll sleep with the lights on again.

(That evening, Peter is doing another performance for the family, with Jan as his assistant.)

Jan: And now, ladies and gentlemen, introducing Peter the Great!

(They all clap as he comes down the stairs in his magician outfit.)

Peter: Ladies and gentlemen, my assistant will hand me a pair of ordinary Chinese linking rings. (She hands him the rings) Observe. The linking rings are linked.

(He attempts to separate them.)

Greg: And they’re still linked.

(They all laugh.)

Peter: Abracadabra.

(He unlinks them and the family cheers and applauds. Jan hands him a pitcher of milk.

Peter: Observe, nothing in my hand.

Carol: Except a little dirt.

(Everyone laughs.)

Peter: I’m gonna pour this milk in my fist.

Alice: Look out for the carpet, Peter.

Peter (pouring): Going, going, (He raises his hand, which has no milk on it) Gone.

(Everyone claps. Cindy comes down the stairs.)

Cindy: Good night, everybody. I’m going to sleep now.

Carol: Cindy, honey, don’t you want to stay and watch Peter rehearse for his tryout tomorrow?

Mike: He’s really good, honey.

Cindy: No thanks.

(She goes upstairs to bed.)

Carol: Boy, that magic has really got her bugged.

(The next day at school, a student named Warren comes out to play his accordion. He has a slight problem getting it out and setting it up. He also seems hesitant to play.)

Judge: Anytime you’re ready, Warren?

(Warren starts to play as Peter awaits his turn backstage with Mike.)

Mike: Calm down, Peter. We got everything here.

Peter: Everything but Jan, and I’m on right after Warren.

Mike: Well, she’ll be here. Your mother’s gone to the gym to get her.

Peter: Boy, my stomach sure feels funny.

Mike (laughing): You’ve got butterflies.

Peter: Mine feel more like bats.

Mike: You wanted to be in show business.

(Meanwhile, Jan is the nurse’s office. She calls home and speaks to Cindy.)

Jan: Hi, Cindy, Jan. Is Mom or Dad there?

Cindy: Uh uh. They took Peter’s magic stuff over to the school.

Jan: Oh, I’m in the nurse’s office. I twisted my ankle in gym class.

Cindy: Gee, I’m sorry.

Jan: Well, I guess I better call over to the auditorium and tell Dad I can’t help Peter.

Cindy: But if you don’t help him, he won’t win.

Jan: Oh, I’m sorry. But how can I do it on one foot? Bye.

Cindy: Bye.

(She hangs up and starts to ponder. Meanwhile, Warren is still playing his accordion, and Mike is on the phone with Jan.)

Mike: Are you sure it’s not serious, Jan?

Jan: It’s just a little sprain.

Mike: That’s good, honey. Your mother went to gym class, I’m sure they’ll send her right over.

Jan: But what about Peter, Dad? I can walk a little bit.

Mike: Jan, you stay off that ankle, okay?

Jan: Okay.

Mike: Okay, bye, sweetheart.

(He hangs up.)

Peter (annoyed): Oh, great, there goes my act.

Mike: Well, it’s not as though your sister planned it this way, Peter.

Peter: I know, and I’m sorry she hurt herself.

Mike: You worked very hard for this tryout and there’s no reason you can’t go out there and perform by yourself.

Peter: Maybe one or two tricks, but who’s going to get in the disappearing cabinet? That’s the highlight of my whole act.

Mike: Well, leave that out, and just do the best you can, huh?

Peter: Right now, I wish I could disappear.

(Peter heads toward the stage as Warren finishes his act.)

Judge (unimpressed): That was very nice, Warren. thank you.

(Warren bows and puts his accordion away, then exits the stage.)

Judge: Next on the list is Peter Brady and his magic act. (calling) Are you ready, Peter?

Peter: Yes, sir.

Mike: Now, just do the best you can.

(Peter moves his act to the stage. Takes his hat off and bows.)

Peter: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. (Mike continues to encourage him) The first act I’d like to do for you is a very good trick I know you’d like. Only I can’t do it because I don’t have my assistant. But I’ve got an even better trick, though. It’s really terrific, with a rope, a rabbit and a canary. But I can’t do that one either without my assistant. And I also can’t do my best trick of all, the disappearing lady. I’m real sorry I can’t do it for you. You’d have really liked that one. But I’ll have to do some of my other tricks, because like I said, I don’t have my assistant.

(Cindy and Alice show up behind the stage.)

Cindy: Yes you do, Peter?

(Peter looks back in surprise.)

Cindy (to Mike): Jan called home, so I came to help Peter.

Peter: He could sure use some help.

Alice: She’s all set to go, I took the wings off her fairy princess costume.

Mike: Listen Cindy, are you positive you want to do this?

Cindy: I’m positive. I’m still a little scared, but I’m positive.

(Alice puts her cape on her and Cindy goes out to join Peter.)

Cindy: I’m ready Peter the Great. You can make me disappear now.

Peter: Thanks, Cindy. (to the judges); Ladies and gentlemen, my assistant and sister. (They clap) And now for the highlight of my act, a trick that will amaze you. (He takes Cindy aside to the cabinet) You sure you’re okay?

Cindy: I think so.

(She goes inside the cabinet and closes her eyes. Peter shuts it and takes his wand.)

Peter: And now I say the magic words, abracadabra, disappear. (He opens the drape and she is no longer inside) And she’s gone.

(The judges clap.)

Judge: Good.

Peter: And now I say the magic words again, abracadabra, return from beyond.

(He opens the drape again and Cindy is back inside. The judges clap, along with Mike and Alice.)

Judge: Excellent.

Peter (to Cindy): Are you still okay?

Cindy: Let’s do it again.

(Mike gives them the okay signal from behind the stage.)

Peter: Ladies and gentlemen, if it’s all right with you, my assistant wants to do this trick again.

Judge (clapping): By all means.

Peter: I say the magic words, abracadabra, disappear.

(He does the trick once again as the scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Mike coming home from work.)

Mike: I’m home.

(Carol comes out to greet him.)

Carol: Oh, hi, honey.

(They kiss.)

Mike (putting his hand out): For you.

Carol: What?

Mike (taking something from his other hand): A flower.

(Carol laughs.)

Mike: Say listen, you know that mink you were hinting about for our last anniversary?

Carol: Yeah.

Mike: Have another flower.

Carol: Oh, Mike, that’s a terrible joke to play on me.

(She hits him with the flower as Mike runs toward the kitchen.)

untitled disappearing cabinet


S2 E19 The Liberation Of Marcia Brady


untitled marcia's interview

The Liberation of Marcia Brady

Written by Charles Hoffman

Marcia decides to become liberation. Her first action is to join Greg’s Frontier Scout. Greg tries to get even by joining her Sunflower Girl club. Hope you like the script.












STAN JACOBSON, Mike’s scout co-leader

MAN Peter sells cookies to

(The episode begins at Marcia’s school, where reporter Ken Jones shows up to speak to girls abut women’s lib.)

Jones: This is Ken Jones, your mobile reporter. A junior high school may seem a strange place to find a reporter this afternoon, but the young girls of today are the women of tomorrow, and we’d like to get their thoughts on a subject of increasing interest of women of all ages, the woman’s liberation movement. (He sees Marcia and her friend Judy and starts to interview them. He speaks to Judy) Would you mind telling me your name, young lady?

Judy: Judy Winters.

Jones: Well, Judy, what do you think of women’s lib? Do you think girls are equal to boys in every respect?

Judy: Well, I never really thought about it much.

Jones: I see. (He turns to Marcia) How about you, young lady, what’s your name?

Marcia: Marcia Brady.

Jones: Marcia, do you feel that girls are the equal of boys?

Marcia: Well, if we’re all supposed to be created equal. I guess that means girls as well as boys.

Jones: Then I take it you’re for women’s lib.

Marcia: I guess I am.

Jones: Do you have any brothers, Marcia?

Marcia: Yes sir, three.

Jones: Do you think you can do everything they can do?

Marcia: Well, I think I should have the chance to try.

Jones: Tell me this, do they put you down sometimes, I mean, just because you’re a girl?

Marcia (bitterly): They sure do and it’s not fair!

Jones: Do you think girls should do something about that?

Marcia: We certainly should!

(Her friends cheer her on.)

Jones: Thank you, girls. Be sure to watch yourselves on the early news.

(He follows the other girls. Judy and Marcia walk home.)

Judy: Wow, we’re gonna be on television tonight.

Marcia: Yeah.

Judy: And what you said about boys, if my father and brothers heard me talk like that, they’d clobber me. You sure are brave.

Marcia (suddenly realizing): Oh, no!

Judy: What’s the matter?

Marcia: I’m not brave, I’m stupid.

(The scene fades.)

(That evening, Marcia is watching the news in the family room and the boys come in to join her. She abruptly turns it off.)

Marcia: What do you want?

Greg: We want to watch television.

Peter: To get the ball scores.

Marcia (abruptly): Well, the TV set is broken.

Greg: Let me take a look. (He examines the set but Marcia unplugs it) Hey, she’s right. It is broken. (He notices the plug out and gets agitated) For crying out loud, the plug is out.

(He plugs it back again but Marcia shuts the television off.)

Peter: What’s the matter with you?

Marcia: I thought I heard Alice call us to dinner?

Greg: i didn’t hear anything.

(He gets up to turn the set on. They see the reporter interviewing Judy.)

Peter: That’s Judy Winters! (Marcia turns it off again) Will you quit fooling around?

(He gets up to turn it back on and it shows Marcia repeating what she said that afternoon.)

Peter: Hey, that’s you!

Bobby: How did you get on TV?

(Marcia shrugs.)

Greg: Bobby, go tell mom and Dad Marcia is on TV.

(Bobby runs and gets Mike and Carol, while they show what was said between her and Ken Jones.)

Mike: Hey, she looks pretty good.

(Greg shushes him and the interview between Marcia and Ken Jones continues.)

Carol: I agree with that.

(When the interview ends, Marcia turns the television off.)

Greg: How do you like that, the first time my sister goes on TV, she acts like a kook.

Marcia (angry): What do you mean, kook?

Greg (mimicking a reporter, to Peter): Tell me, miss, can you do anything boys can do?

Peter (using a high voice): Yes sir, anything.

Greg (to Bobby): And how about you, miss?

Bobby: Oh yes sir, we do.

(The guys all laugh.)

Mike: Hey, hey, cool it, cool it.

Carol (sternly): Greg, that’s enough.

Marcia (defiantly): I just meant that girls should have the same chance as boys.

Greg (laughing): I’d like to see you prove you can do anything boys can do.

Marcia: Okay, then, I’ll prove it.

Greg: Oh yeah, how?

Marcia: I’ll think of something.

(The boys all laugh again.)

Carol: Okay boys, time to wash up for dinner. come on.

Alice: Come on, you heard your mother, get going.

(The boys leave the room. They are making fun of Marcia.)

Marcia (to Carol): Are you angry with me for what I said?

Carol: Well, of course not, dear.

Marcia: What about you, Dad?

Mike: No honey, I think you have a right to your opinion.

Marcia: Good, because I meant everything I said.

(She leaves.)

Mike (laughing): Kids, they get wound up about the craziest things.

Carol: Well, I don’t think women’s lib is crazy.

Mike: No, I didn’t mean it was crazy. I just meant (Pause) Mmm.

Carol: What?

Mike: Well, some of the things they want are pretty far out. Don’t you think so?

Carol: Well, I never went out marching, but I do believe in some of their causes.

(She snobbishly walks out of the family room and into the kitchen, where she sees Alice.)

Alice: Mrs. Brady, should I put these rolls in (the oven) ?

Carol: Alice, what do you think about women’s lib? I mean, don’t you think women are entitled to the same opportunities as men?

Alice: Uh, well, uh.

Carol: Go on, speak right up.

Alice: Well, I don’t think it’s a bad idea.

Mike: Alice…

Alice: On the other hand, I didn’t say it was a good idea either. I’ll put these rolls in.

Mike (looking at his watch): Oh, hey, I didn’t realize it was this late. We’d better hurry up and have dinner. I don’t want to be late for Greg’s council meeting tonight.

Carol: Mike, we didn’t finish our conservation.

Mike: Yeah, but, honey, I don’t want to be late for the Frontier Scouts meeting. After all, I’m council master this year.

Carol: Chicken.

(She makes the cackling sound as we move into the next scene. Marcia is in her room discussing the matter with her sisters.)

Marcia (plopping on her bed): Life around here is going to be impossible around here until I can find a way to put those boys in their places!

Cindy: But how?

Marcia: I wish I knew, especially Greg!

Jan: Why don’t you go tell him what you think of him. I’ll go with you.

Cindy: Me too.

Marcia: He’s not home. He went to one of his dumb old meetings.

Jan: Boys are always going to dumb old meetings.

Cindy: Why are the meetings so dumb?

Marcia: Because they’re all boys. no girls. (This gives Marcia an idea) Hey, that’s it!

Jan: What? I don’t get it.

Cindy: Me neither.

Marcia: You might not get it, but believe me, they will.

(She smiles at her new idea as we move into the next scene. Greg and Mike are down at the scout meeting. Greg is chatting away with some friends.)

Greg: And Lloyd, he didn’t know I was tracking him, see, because I stepped on a stick, and he must’ve thought it was a bear because he took off like it was a drag race. (He sees Marcia passing by him) Marcia, what are you doing here?

Marcia: You’ll see.

(She goes over to Mike.)

Mike: Hi, honey. Oh, something wrong at home?

Marcia: Nothing, Dad.

Mike (to his partner): Oh, Stan, I’m sorry, this is my daughter Marcia. Marcia, Mr. jacobson.

Marcia: Hi.

Jacobson: How do you do, Marcia?

Mike: What, you need to talk to me about something?

Marcia: Yes, I want to join the Frontier Scouts.

Greg (shocked): You wanna do what?

Jacobson: Uh, well,  I (Pause) I don’t think I understand.

Mike: I think I do. Would you excuse us for a minute? (He takes Marcia aside) Marcia, not that women’s lib business again.

Marcia: Dad, unless there’s a very good reason why I can’t, I want to join Greg’s Frontier Scouts.

(Mike and Stan Jacobson are searching the rule books.)

Greg: Well?

Mike: Well, I can’t find a thing. What about you, Stan?

Jacobson: There’s nothing here, Mike. (He looks up at the guys) Um, fellas, I, uh, I’m afraid there’s nothing in the regulations that says a Frontier Scout has to be a boy. (All the scouts grown) I’m afraid, uh, we’ve always just assumed it was for boys.

(Marcia smiles.)

Mike: Well, that being the case, Marcia, here’s your handbook. But, before you can become a Frontier Scout, you’ll have to pass a field initiation test. You’ll find all the requirements in there.

Marcia (taking the book): Well, thanks everybody. I’ll see you all at the next meeting. Bye.

(She leaves.)

Greg (to Mike): She’s really flipped her lid. That’s the craziest thing I ever heard of.

Mike: Greg, Marcia doesn’t feel that way.

Greg: I’ll show her. I’ll show her just how dumb it is.

(Greg fumes as we move on tot he next scene. The boys are in their room discussing the matter.)

Bobby: How come girls do dumb things and don’t even know it’s dumb?

Peter: ‘Cause they’re dumb.

Greg: There’s gotta be some way to show Marcia how silly she looks trying to be a Frontier Scout.

Peter: Why did she have to start all this for? I mean, what’s wrong with her own girls club.

Greg: Well, the Sunflower Girls are girls, she wants to be a boy. She has to (Pause) the Sunflower Girls!

Bobby: What?

Greg: Her club. I wonder how she’d like some of her own medicine.

Peter: What do you mean?

Greg: What if I joined the Sunflower Girls? That would show her.

Peter: Hey, that’s wild.

Bobby: Can boys get in?

Greg: There’s one way to find out.

(Greg goes in the girls room to find the sunflower girls handbook. He goes back in his room to join his brothers.)

Peter (to Bobby): Hey, he’s got it.

Greg: Nobody was in the room so I sneaked it out.

Peter: Well, what does it say?

Bobby: Boy, this is really gonna get her?

Peter: Marcia’s gonna flip.

Greg (looking in the manual): Yeah, yeah, here it is. Nope, there’s nothing in the guide book that says a sunflower girl has to be a girl.

Peter (excited): Then you can join!

Greg: Yeah. (Pause) Oh, no.

Bobby: What’s the matter?

Greg: Well, it doesn’t say anything about being a girl but listen to this. A sunflower must be of good character and between the ages of 10 and 14. I’m too old.

Peter: Oh, and it was such a great idea.

Bobby: I’d do it but I’m not 10 yet.

(Greg and Bobby start looking at Peter.)

Peter: Oh no, not me. I’m not going to be any sunflower girl.

Greg: But you got to, Pete.

Peter: No chance, no way.

Bobby: How come it was okay for Greg?

Peter: That was different.

Greg: This isn’t just for me, this is a chance to fight back for all men.

Bobby: And for all boys.

Greg: For all mankind.

Peter: Me, a sunflower girl?

(They give Peter the handbook and wish him luck. The scene fades out.)

untitled peter the brownie

(In the next scene, the boys are in the den talking it over with Mike.)

Mike (laughing): Peter, a sunflower girl?

Greg: It’ll really show Marcia how silly she looks for joining my club.

Mike: That’s a pretty wild idea (to Peter) How do you feel about that?

Peter: Sillier than Marcia will.

Bobby: But you got to, Pete.

Peter: Well, what do you think, Dad?

Mike: Oh, no no, that’s your affair. You guys keep me out of this.

Greg: Come on Pete, please.

Peter: Well, okay.

Bobby: Neat-o.

Mike (warning): Now listen, I don’t want this thing to get out of hand. You understand?

Greg: It won’t Dad. He probably won’t have to join the sunflower girls. When we tell Marcia, she’ll back out of her whole dumb idea.

Mike: Good luck.

(The boys leave the den. Marcia is practicing CPR on Alice out in the den.)

Marcia: Out, two, three, four. In, two, three, four.

Alice (exhausted): Hey, I thought mouth to mouth resuscitation was the going thing these days.

Marcia: We have to learn both ways for our initiation test.

Alice: Ohhhh.

Marcia: Out, two, three, four, in.

Alice: How about a little break. I’d like to get some dinner while I still have some breath left.

Marcia: We can practice the fireman’s carry and the leg sprint later.

Alice (upset): Do we have to?

Marcia: Alice, I’m not doing this just for me. It’s for all women. Don’t you want to be liberated?

Alice: Liberated, yes. Lacerated, no!

(She gets up and walks away. The boys come up to Marcia to tell her the news about Peter joining her club.)

Greg (smiling): Have I got a news flash for you.

Bobby: Yeah, a news flash.

Greg: If you’re joining the Frontier Scouts, Peter’s going to join your sunflower girls.

Marcia: What?

Greg: That’s right, isn’t it, Pete?

Peter: Yep, that’s right.

Bobby: What do you think of that?

Marcia: I think it’s great.

Peter (surprised): Great?

Marcia: Peter, at least you see my point. There isn’t any reason why we all can’t join whatever group we want to. (She takes him by the arm) There’s a big meeting tonight and I’ll introduce you to all the girls. And you’re just in time for the big cookie sale. I’ll even lend you my uniform.

(Next, Carol goes into Mike’s room to bring him a coffee and inquire bout Peter’s shenanigans.)

Carol: Mike, is Peter really joining the sunflower Girls?

Mike: Well it looks that way, honey.

Carol: But that’s ridiculous.

Mike: Sure it is. It’s not any more ridiculous than Marcia joining the Frontier Scouts.

Carol: Oh yes, but, Marcia’s really serious about this woman’s lib business.

Mike: What about men’s lib? Don’t you think men ought to be able to be free what men do best?

Carol: Sure, and I think woman ought to do what women do best, but, there are some things that men and women do equally well.

Mike: I agree with that, especially one thing.

Carol: What’s that?

Mike (coming up to her): Pucker up and I’m going to show you.

(He starts to kiss her.)

Carol: Stop it. Watch the coffee.

(Meanwhile, Peter is upstairs putting away some boxes of sunflower cookies. Greg and Bobby come in the room and he tries to hide them.)

Greg: What are you doing?

Peter: Nothing.

Bobby: What’s in the boxes?

Peter: Just, just some stuff. (He tries blocking them but Greg goes to look behind him.) I said, just some stuff.

Greg (grabbing a box): Sunflower girl cookies.

Bobby (pointing at something else): What’s that?

(Greg grabs it form the drawer.)

Greg: Marcia’s uniform.

Bobby: You’re going to wear it?

Peter: Are you kidding?

Greg: Peter, that’s part of our deal.

Peter: I’m not gonna wear any skirt, and I’m not gonna sell any cookies.

Greg: You have to do it, Marcia only went along with this because she thought you’d chicken out.

Bobby: Yeah, let her chicken out.

Greg: Right, call her bluff.

Peter (hesitant): Well.

Greg: You don’t have to wear the skirt, just the other stuff.

Peter: Okay.

Greg: We’ll even help you sell the cookies. Come on, let’s get dressed.

(They go to make Peter’s first sale. they stop at a neighbor’s house.)

Peter: Maybe there’s nobody home.

Bobby: Ring the bell and find out.

Greg: And remember what you have to say.

Peter: Do I have to say that?

Greg: Peter, if Marcia finds out you didn’t go strictly by the rules, we’re sunk. I’m making her go by the rules for the Frontier Scouts.

Peter: Okay.

Greg: And smile.

(Peter goes to ring the bell. Greg hides behind a wall on the side of the house and pulls Bobby back there with him. A man comes to the door.)

Man: Yeah?

Peter: I am a little sunflower, sunny, brave and true. From tiny bud to blossom, I do good deeds for you.

Man (surprised): Are you kidding?

Peter: No, sir. Would you like to buy my cookies?

Man: Cookies?

Peter: A dollar a box. it’s for the sunflower girls.

Man: You putting me on? Hey, uh, are we on one of them, uh, hidden camera shows?

Peter: Whoever sells the most cookies wins the contest.

Man: And, uh, what do you get if you win?

Peter (bitterly): I get to be blossom of the month.

(Greg and Bobby look on.)

Man: You’re really serious.

Peter: Yes, sir. Would you like to buy my cookies?

Man (taking out a dollar): I’ll take a box, kid.

Peter: You will?

Man: Yeah, I hate cookies, but I admire your nerve. Blossom of the month.

(The man laughs and closes the door. An angry Peter walks up to Greg and Bobby.)

Peter (humiliated): That’s it, I quit. I don’t care if Marcia gets to be president!

(He throws the sunflower girl hat on the ground and storms off.)

Bobby: What do we do now?

Greg: I’ll think of something. Marcia’s supposed to take her initiation test tomorrow on the campout.

Bobby: Can’t you goof up her test some way?

Greg: Nah, it wouldn’t be fair. But I can make her stick to every single rule. One slip, just one mistake and she’s out.

(Greg, Marcia and all the Frontier Scouts are on the campout, as Marcia finally takes the test.)

Jacobson: Hey, this looks like a pretty good spot. What do you think, Mike?

Mike: Yeah, yeah,  just fine. Okay fellas, let’s get unloaded.

(Mr. Jacobson counts the troop and Marcia, who trailed behind, joined them. She sits.)

Greg: What are you doing sitting down?

Marcia: Don’t we get a chance to rest now?

Greg: Not yet. We got to put up our tents now.

(Marcia takes her back pack off and we next see her attempting to put up her tent as the scouts watch.)

Greg (laughing): How long are you going to give her to put it up?

Mike: Take it easy, Greg. There’s nothing in the guidebook that says he have to put a time limit on it.

(Marcia finally gets it up.)

Marcia: There. How’s that?

Mike: Well, I have to say that’s not bad.

Marcia: What’s my next test?

Greg: Not much. Just a few simple little things. (to Mike) She’ll flunk for sure.

(Marcia makes an angry face at him. We next see her starting a fire from rocks.)

Marcia (frustrated): oh, what’s the use?

(She puts the rock down angrily. Suddenly, smoke rises form under it.)

(Next, she is practicing first aid on Greg. She wraps him in a gauze.)

Greg: I’m only supposed to have a concussion. How am I going to breathe?

Marcia: Through your mouth.

(She puts the part of the gauge covering his mouth down.)

(Next, she is digging a hole in the ground. Mike goes over to her.)

Mike: Are you sure you don’t want a breather?

Marcia: No thanks, Dad. If boys can do it, so can I.

(Next, Marcia follows a trail that Greg made. He made it as difficult as possible so she wouldn’t follow it in time. Greg and the other scouts sit around the camp waiting.)

Greg (laughing): She’ll never make it in time.

Mike: Listen, you did blaze a proper trail for er to follow. Didn’t you, Greg?

Greg: Oh, sure, Dad. Of course, some of the marks I left were a little small.

(Greg laughs and falls on his back. Mike comes up to him.)

Mike: Come here. (He takes him aside) You know, you’ve been giving Marcia a hard time through this whole thing and she’s been a pretty good sport.

Greg: I just wanted to show her that joining the Frontier Scouts is a kooky idea.

Mike: Well, kooky or not, she’s given it a pretty good go, right up to this last test.

Greg: I guess. But if she passes this, I’ll personally invite every girl I know to join.

(Mike notices Marcia made it in time and passed the test.)

Mike: You better start making out your invitations.

Greg: She made it in time.

Mike (looking at his watch): With a minute to spare. (to Marcia) You okay, sweetheart?

Marcia: Dad, you don’t call Frontier Scouts sweetheart, but I’m okay.

(Stan Jacobson follows.)

Mike: How did she do, Stan?

Jacobson: Well, she found every sign that Greg left for her to follow. I don’t know how she did it, I got lost twice myself.

Mike: Well, she passed every test. (to Greg) Listen, I think you ought to be the one to tell her the good news.

Greg: Okay.

(He goes to congratulate Marcia, who had fallen asleep in her tent.)

Greg: Marcia, you made it. (He notices she’s sleeping) Marcia. Well, how do you like that? Most guys would be jumping around yelling our heads off, my kooky sister goes to sleep.

(Back at home, Cindy is fuming to Carol and Alice why she couldn’t go to Marcia’s initiation ceremony.)

Cindy: I still don’t see why we all can’t go.

Carol: Honey, the initiation ceremony is just for the Frontier Scouts.

Jan: But this is a big victory for us girls. From now on, we’ll be treated the same as boys.

Alice: At your age, it’s victory. At mine, it’s defeat.

(Carol goes out to the living room. She sees Greg and Mike coming down the stairs.)

Mike: Marcia down here yet?

Carol: She’ll be down in a minute. You know it always takes girls longer.

Greg: You see? Girls.

Mike: Okay, okay (calling) Marcia!

Marcia (coming down the stairs in a dress): Yes, Dad.

Mike: How come you’re not in your uniform?

Carol: Is something wrong, honey?

Marcia: I called Mr. Jacobson to tell him I’m not going.

Greg (shocked): You what?

Carol: But honey, the initiation ceremony’s tonight.

Marcia: Not for me.

Mike: You mean you don’t want to join the Frontier Scouts after all?

Marcia: No, chopping and tracking I guess is nice, I guess, if you’re a boy. It really is. I just wanted to prove to myself I could do it even if I’m a girl. (to Carol) Oh, did the new fashion magazine come yet?

Carol: Sure, it’s in my room. Come on, I’ll show you.

Greg (to Mike): Wow.

Mike: Well, I guess the initiation is off.

Greg: I don’t understand women at all.

Mike: Well, it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind.

Greg: Who said that?

Mike: I don’t know but I (he and Greg both) bet it was a woman.

(The scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Peter in the kitchen enjoying some cookies.)

Peter: Boy, these sure are good cookies, Alice. The best you ever made.

Alice: Thanks, Peter, except I didn’t make them.

Peter: Then they’re the best Mom ever made.

Alice: She didn’t make them either.

Peter: Boy, they’re good, where did you get them.

Alice: We bought them from you. They’re sunflower girl cookies.

Peter (fuming): on second thought, they’re not too good.

(He picks his plate up and puts the rest of the cookies away.)

untitled marcia the scout


S2 E18 Our Son, The Man

untitled greg the man

Our Son, The Man

Written by Albert E. Lewin

Greg has an attitude that he is an adult because he is in high school. Hope you enjoy the script.













(The episode begins with Peter, Cindy and Bobby in the backyard running around and acting like Indians. Greg is in the family room, on the phone.)

Greg (on the phone): Oh you did, laid it right out to them. What did your folks say? (the other kids come in yelling and running around) Hey you guys, hey you guys, cool it.

Bobby: We’re not guys, we’re Indian braves.

(They continue running and yelling.)

Greg: Knock it off, what do you think you’re doing?

Peter: I’m doing an Indian, they needed another Indian.

Greg: Can’t you see I’m on the phone.

(Jan comes in with her transistor radio.)

Jan: Hey you guys, listen to this great new group.

(They listen and groove to the music.)

Greg: Jan, I’m on the phone. (He gets back on the phone) Listen, Mick, I’ll have to call you back. (He hangs up) Oh, kids.

(He turns Jan’s radio off in frustration and leaves the family room. Meanwhile, Alce and Carol are in the kitchen putting away groceries.)

Carol: These vegetables really look fresh, Alice.

Alice: How about these eggs, should I hard boil them? (Greg comes through the door and accidentally knocks them into Alice) On second thought, maybe scrambled would be better.

Greg: I’m sorry, Alice.

Alice: It’s all right, gooey, but all right.

Carol (sternly): Greg, do you have to come booming through doors like that?

Greg: Those kids, they have no respect for a man’s privacy.

Carol: What man?

Greg: Me, I’m in high school now, and when you’re in high school, you’re not a kid anymore, you’re a man.

Carol: Oh?

Greg: And a man doesn’t want to be pestered by kids? He wants privacy. Mom, I think we need to make some changes around here.

(He leaves.)

Carol (calling to him): What changes?

Alice: Changes?

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike coming home from work, with Greg waiting to speak to him.)

Mike: Hello, I’m home.

Carol (greeting him at the stairs): Hi honey, how was your day?

Mike: Eh! (He and Carol kiss) Hi sweetheart, everything under control around here?

Carol: Oh well, I think you cold answer that better when you talk to the man.

Mike: Oh yeah, what man is that?

Carol: The man’s that waiting for you, upstairs.

Mike: Upstairs?

Carol: Uh huh.

Mike: What man?

Carol: Your son.

Mike: My son?

Carol: The man.

(Mike goes upstairs to talk to Greg, who just emerged from the bathroom after shaving.)

Mike: Greg.

Greg: Yeah, Dad.

Mike (noticing cuts on his face and laughing): What happened to you?

Greg: I was just shaving, I got a couple of little nicks.

Mike (laughing): You were shaving? Don’t you think you ought to practice without a blade first?

Greg: I wasn’t practicing, I was shaving. It’s starting to come in real heavy now. (He points to a whisker on his face) Feel that. (He feels) Really tough, huh?

Mike: It’s one of the toughest whiskers I ever felt.

Greg: Yeah? Which one?

Mike: There’s more than one?

(They both laugh.)

Greg: Dad, I hope you didn’t mind me borrowing your razor.

(He opens the door to his closet and gets a jacket.)

Mike: I’m sure you didn’t hurt it any. Listen, you want to talk to me about something?

Greg (putting his jacket on): Oh, it’s like this, Dad. You see, I’m in high school now, Dad.

Mike: Well, I’m with you so far, Greg.

Greg: High school is where the men are separated from the boys.

Mike: And you’re with the men now.

Greg: Right Dad, I am. but not around here, around here, I’m still with the boys.

Mike: Peter and Bobby.

Greg: Yeah, and a man needs his privacy, Dad. I never have a free minute to myself.

(Peter and Bobby come in the room arguing over who will use Greg’s flashlight on the family’s camping trip.)

Peter: Greg, can I use your other flashlight when we go camping Friday?

Bobby: You got to use it last time we went to Mount Claymore!

Greg: Can’t you guys ever knock.

Mike: All right, you boys, Greg and I are having a talk.

Bobby: About the campout?

Greg: Who cares about a campout? That’s for kids.

Peter: You always go.

Greg: Well, not anymore. I’m too old for those campouts, Dad. Do I have to go?

Mike: No, we’re not going to force you to go. (to Peter and Bobby) You boys go along, we’ll be through in a minute.

Peter (to Bobby): Since Greg isn’t going, I get the good flashlight.

Bobby: That’s not fair!

Greg: See what I mean Dad, no privacy.

Mike: Well, Greg, we’ll just have to see if there is something we can do about it.

Greg: Uh, I know what we can do about it, Dad.

Mike: You do? What?

Greg: I’d like my own room.

Mike (astonished): Your own room?

Greg: Remember Dad, we’re talking man to man now, not kid to man, man to man, but man to man, man to man.

Marcia (coming in the room): Greg, Dad.

Greg (angry): Marcia, can’t you see I’m having a talk with Dad?

Marcia (flustered): I just wanted to tell you that dinner was ready, gee!

Greg: I got to have some privacy.

Mike: Greg, I’ll think about it, but I’m not gonna make any promises. now you understand that?

Greg: Yeah, I understand, Dad. And man to man, thanks.

(He shakes Mike’s hand.)

Mike: You’re welcome.

(That evening, Mike is in his room with Carol discussing possible options for Greg.)

Carol: Honey, Greg always loved these family campouts. Besides, if he doesn’t go, he’s gonna be home alone all weekend.

Mike: Oh, Carol, Greg’s not a child anymore, you know. He wants to start being on his own a little bit. We got another problem anyway.

Carol: We have?

Mike: Yeah, he asked me for his own room. Well, he has a point. You know, he does need a little privacy, I guess.

Carol: What did you say?

Mike: Well, I told him I wouldn’t make him any promises, but I’d think about it.

Carol: Well, I guess he is growing up. (Mike agrees) Mike, why couldn’t we do something in the garage?

Mike: Honey, you’re talking about major construction.

Carol: I know, how about the attic.

Mike (laughing): That would be great if Greg were 2 and a half feet tall. (Note: that was where Greg moved a couple of years later. Did they forgot about this?)

Carol: Yeah.

Mike: Well, we’ll think about it tomorrow. Good night, honey.

Mike: Good night, dear.

(They kiss and turn the lights out, then go to sleep. Carol suddenly has a thought.)

Carol: Mike.

Mike: Mmm hmmm.

Carol: What about your den?

Mike: Honey, my den is not a bedroom.

Carol: What’s a bedroom? It’s a room with a bed in it.

Mike: Carol, my den is where I work. We’ll put him in the family room.

Carol: The family room? (She turns the light on) That’s where I do my sewing, and the girls practice their dancing in there and, besides, where would all the kids play?

Mike: Honey, I don’t know.

Carol: Well, never mind. Don’t you worry about it. We’ll just have to (Pause) figure something else out. You keep your den.

Mike: Wait, wait a minute. You’re making me the villain in this thing.

Carol (insincerely): Not at all, darling.

Mike: Yes you are, Carol. You’re putting it all right in my lap.

Carol: Oh, I am not.

Mike: You’re not going to give me the guilts about this now, I need my den. I’m not being unreasonable about this, I’m not.

Carol: Well, of course you’re not, good night, darling. (She kisses him, turns the light out and goes to sleep. Mike stays awake) See you in the morning.

Mike: Well, I’m not.

Carol: Good night, darling.

(The next day, Greg is excited because Mike surrendered his den to him.)

Greg: You mean it, Dad, I can really have your den?

Mike: We’ll move my things into the family room.

Greg: Man, does this have possibilities.

Mike: Possibilities, for what?

Greg (ecstatic): Changes dad, changes.

Mike: What kind of changes?

Greg: You know, making it my own pad. My own scene.

Mike: Your own scene?

Greg: Oh, I mean if it’s okay with you.

Mike: Oh sure, if it’s going to be your own room. Listen Greg, I don’t want you to get silly about this. No nails or pant on the walls, you understand?

Greg: This place is real funky.

Mike: Funky, that’s square?

Greg: No, that’s together. Terrific.

Mike: Oh, how about that. My den is funky.

(The next scene has Alice laying the sleeping bags out for the campout.)

Alice: Oh, these are clean enough. My only question is I wonder if they’re warm enough for this time of year.

Marcia: It can get pretty cold up at Mount Claymore.

Alice: Yeah, I know it. Now, let’s uh, let’s just try one.

(Alice tests one of the sleeping bags.)

Cindy: Alice.

Alice: You want to help me with this, Marcia?

Marcia: Okay.

Cindy: But Alice.

Alice: Just a second, Cindy.

Cindy: Alice.

Alice: Honey, would you wait just a minute, please. (to Marcia) Oh, this is gonna be fine, all nice and warm. (to Cindy) Now honey, what was it you wanted to say?

Cindy: That that’s the sleeping bag that the zipper always sticks on.

(Alice realizes that was the one. She tries to squirm out.)

Alice: Oh no, you’re right. This is the one.

(Marcia and Cindy try to help her get out. Greg is moving some chairs and lamps from Mike’s den.)

Greg: What are you doing?

Marcia: She’s stuck.

Alice: It’s this zipper.

Cindy: I tried to tell her.

Greg (putting the chair and lamp down): let me try it, sometimes it takes a man.

(He goes over to help.)

Alice: Okay, what are you doing with your father’s den chair?

Greg: I’m storing it in the garage. I’m giving the den a whole new look. I’ve got something else for sitting.

Alice: Well, I’d be careful. If anything happens to that chair, you won’t be doing any sitting.

Greg: Don’t worry, Alice. This zipper is really stuck.

Cindy: Hey, maybe we can squirt he rout like toothpaste.

(Greg and Alice cuff at the remark.)

Greg: Marcia, grab an end. Just grab that corner.

Alice: Brace, brace your foot on my arm and get some leverage that way.

Greg: Okay, you ready?

Alice: Yeah.

(they finally get her loose and Greg falls back.(

Greg: I told you, it took a man.

Alice: Oh thanks, for a minute there I thought I had a permanent maxi-coat.

(The next scene has Greg moving his things out of his room and into the den. Peter and Bobby come in the room.)

Peter: Today’s the day, huh. You’re really gonna move.

Greg: That’s right.

Bobby: You don’t like us anymore?

Greg: Oh sure I like you, you’re my kid brothers. But now I’m in high school, all right. You know what I mean?

Bobby: Yeah, you don’t like us anymore.

Greg: That’s got nothing to do with it. It’s just men need their privacy, that’s all.

Peter (to Bobby): Hey, he’s a big shot now. We’re lucky he even talks to us.

(Greg seems to have difficulty moving his mattress through the door.)

Greg: How about you two grabbing one of the ends.

Peter: I don’t think we can.

Greg: Why not?

Peter: We’re just kids. That mattress is too heavy for a little shrimp like me.

Bobby: I’m even shrimpier than he is.

Greg (frustrated): Forget it.

(Marcia and Jan are walking down the stairs and they notice Greg’s mattress at the bottom of the staircase.)

Marcia: Why did Greg leave his mattress here?

Greg: I didn’t leave it, it fell on me.

Jan: Would you mind moving it?

Marcia: Or have you decided to take over the rest of the house?

Greg (crawling out from the bottom of his mattress): Okay, okay.

Marcia: When is your inner sanctum gonna be ready?

Greg: Tonight. Hey, why don’t you pay me a visit.

Marcia (sarcastic): Thrills.

Jan: I don’t think we can.

Greg: Why not?

Jan: Well if you had visitors, it might disturb your privacy.

Marcia (to Jan): We’ll pay him a visit later, after we get to high school. (They walk away.)

Greg (to himself): Kids.

(That evening, Greg shows Mike and Carol his new bachelor pad.)

Carol: Oh, Greg, I can’t wait to see what you’ve done.

Mike: Yeah, me too.

Greg: You’ll love it. it’s the kind of room I’ve always wanted.

(He lets them in. The room is very hippy like and playing psychedelic music.)

Greg: Here it is. (Mike and Carol are totally shocked) Well. How do you like it?

Mike: Oh, it’s…

Carol: Different.

Mike: I think that’s the word for it, different.

Greg: Won’t you come in and sit down.

Carol: Oh, where?

Mike: Listen, maybe you ought to get things unpacked first.

Greg: What things un… that’s the furniture.

Carol (laughing): Oh, sure. Well it certainly is, uh, what’s that word? Flunky?

Greg: Flunky?

Carol: Finky?

Mike: Funky.

Carol: Finky, funky, flinky, well,  you just enjoy your room, Greg.

Mike: And your privacy.

Greg: Thanks, Mom. Dad.

Carol: We’ll uh, we’ll see you later.

(They leave Greg in there to gloss over his room.)

Mike: It’s hard to believe that was once my room.

Carol: It’s amazing how quickly it went from Danish modern to American disaster.

Mike: Well, it’s what Mr. Greg Brady wanted, I guess.

Carol: I don’t know. First, he outgrows his family, then he wants his own room. I can’t imagine what he’ll have on his mind next.

Mike: Ha! I know what he’ll have on his mind next.

Carol: What?

Mike: Well, it’s shaped like an hour glass but it’s a heck of a lot softer.

(The scene fades.)

untitled senior chick

(The next scene has Greg at his school. He sees an older girl sitting on a bench studying. He attempts to pick her up.)

Greg: Hi.

Girl: Hi.

Greg: Don’t I know you?

Girl: I don’t think so. I don’t know you.

Greg: Oh.

Girl: Would you mind standing someplace else? You’re putting a shadow on my book.

Greg: Oh, sure. Sorry.

(He moves back an inch.)

Girl: Thank you.

Greg: Say, aren’t you in one of my classes?

Girl: Which class?

Greg: History? (She shakes her head no) Well, I know I’ve seen you around school.

Girl: Well, I’m a senior. What about you?

Greg: Well, um, this is my first year.

Girl: Would you excuse me? I really need to study this.

Greg: Oh sure, go right ahead.

Girl: Thank you.

(Greg walks away but runs into another student, dressed as a hippie. They move in the same direction when trying to walk. Greg gets out of his way and the other guy sneaks up to the girl and takes her book.)

Girl: Hey.

Guy: What you reading?

Girl: Oh, you kook. (She notices what he’s wearing) Wow, what a groovy outfit.

Guy: You dig it, huh.

Girl: Out of sight.

Guy: Why don’t you come to the cafeteria, we could rap a little.

Girl: I’d love to. Come on.

(They walk away leaving Greg baffled, particularly on what he’s wearing. That evening, he asks Mike if he could borrow some money.)

Mike: You want a loan?

Greg: Just a little one, Dad. I’m using most of my own money.

Greg: For what?

Greg: Well, clothes.

Mike: Don’t tell me you’ve outgrown your things already.

Greg: Well, yes and no. My stuff still fits me but, like, now that I’m in high school, like it doesn’t fit. Like, you understand?

Mike: Greg, what is all this like talk all of a sudden.

Greg: Oh, like, that’s how guys talk in high school.

Mike: Don’t they still teach English?

Greg; Sure, but, like, you see, dad, these clothes, they’re, they’re too straight for high school.

Mike: Greg, look, you can’t expect a handout every time you want something. Money doesn’t grow on trees.

Greg: I know, Dad. I’ll work and I’ll pay it all back. (Mike groans at this) I promise. It’s just that, in high school, clothes are like, really important.

Mike (after a long pause): All right, all right. (He takes some money out of his pocket) But I expect to get this back.

Greg: Oh, you will, Dad.

Mike: All right.

Greg (taking the money): I knew you’d understand. (He starts walking away): Like, thanks.

Mike (to himself): Like it’s one of my most expensive failings.

(The next morning, Alice calls the kids for school. They are running down the stairs, all except Greg.)

Alice: Come on you guys, hurry up, you’ll be late for school.

Jan: Greg was hogging the bathroom all morning.

Peter (noticing Greg): Hey, look at Greg!

(Greg comes down the stairs wearing a hippy like outfit, as the kids are expressing their amazement. He then pus a pair of shades on.)

Jan: Why are you wearing sunglasses?

Greg: Not sunglasses, shades.

Jan, Peter and Bobby: Shades!

Alice: Well it is quite an outfit. We’re the ones who need the sunglasses.

(Carol and Mike get distracted and come out to the living room.)

Mike: What’s all the noise.

(Carol and Mike get shocked at his appearance.)

Carol (astonished): He looks like, like…

Mike: Would you believe Sitting Bull?

(All the other kids leave for school.)

Greg: Kids, what do they know about life?

(He gives Mike and Carol the pace sign and goes into the kitchen.)

Greg: Good morning, Carol. Good morning, Mike.

(He sits down for breakfast. His upset parents join him.)

Mike: Now look, Greg. Calling your parents by their first names might be the fad these days, but around here, we are still mom and Dad to you.

Greg: Oh, I just figured you wouldn’t want someone as old as I am calling you Mom and Dad.

Carol: Oh, well that’s really very considerate of you, Greg.

Mike: Yes, but we’ll take an infirmity of the titles.

Greg: No big deal.

Mike: Greg, uh… Would you excuse me for a minute. (He removes the shades from Greg’s face) Now, remember, we are leaving for Mount Claymore this afternoon right after school.

(Greg’s shades fall back on his face)

Carol: And we’d love it if you didn’t have any other plans, if you’d change your mind and come along.

Greg: I’ll have plans. The guys at school always get something together. Something real heavy. I may even have a date with this chick.

Carol: Does this chick have a name?

Greg: I don’t know her name, but we rapped at school.

(They are a little baffled over the word rapped.)

Greg (looking at his watch): Oh wow, I’ve got to split. like, later.

(He gets up and leaves.)

Carol (to Mike): Like, wow.

Mike: Rapped?

Carol: I wonder if that’s against the law.

(At school, Greg sees the same girl sitting on the bench and copies the hippie student’s behavior.)

Greg (taking her book): Hey, uh, what are you reading? (He realizes he ripped out a page) Oh, gee, I’m sorry. Here, uh, you can have my French book.

Girl: But yours is first year, mine is senior.

Greg: Oh, well, I’ll buy you a new one. How much did this one cost?

Girl: Four dollars, but, you don’t have to.

Greg: Oh, no, I want to, really, here. (He goes into his pocket and finds himself short) Oh, I don’t have four dollars. I got a quarter for some glue.

Girl: Just give me back my book, huh.

Greg: Gee I’m sorry, I really am.

(He sits on the bench with her.)

Girl: I believe you. Can I ask you something?

Greg: Oh, sure, anything.

Girl: Well, you’ve been knocking yourself out trying to get my attention. Why?

Greg: Uh, well, I thought I’d ask you for a date. Maybe a movie or something over the weekend.

Girl: Well, maybe next year. You know, you’re really going to be kind of cute when you grow up. (The bell rings) See you.

(She gets up and goes to class.)

Greg (to himself): When I grow up?

(Back at home, the family is preparing for their camping trip. Greg goes into the room to see Peter and Bobby.)

Greg: Hi, you guys all ready?

Peter: Just about.

Bobby: Where’s the fishing stuff?

Peter: I already put it in the car.

(Peter is finishing packing his backpack.)

Greg: Here, let me help you with that.

Peter: It’s all right. We don’t want to bother a big shot like you.

Greg: I was only trying to help.

Bobby: Us little kids can handle it.

(The next scene has Greg in his room on the phone.)

Greg: Hi Freddy, it’s Greg. I’m just calling to see what you guys got going for tonight. Hey, yeah, that sounds really heavy. Oh, um, no, no, sure Freddy, I can see why you guys couldn’t dig a new guy along. Well, um, maybe, yeah, maybe some other time. Yeah, yeah, later.

(He hangs up and starts to ponder. He goes out in the hall, where the kids are running down the stairs leaving.)

Greg: Jan, remember not to stand up in the canoe.

Jan: I won’t.

Greg: And Marcia.

Marcia: We can manage, Greg.

Jan: Even if we’re not in high school.

(Greg starts to ponder a little more. The girls head towards the kitchen and meet Alice.)

Alice: Hey, come on bunch, get in the car.

Marcia and Jan: Okay.

Mike (coming in): Hey, Alice, come on. Everybody is ready except us grown-ups.

(They pick up a couple of boxes to bring to the car. Greg comes out.)

Greg: Hey Dad, can I give you a hand?

Mike: No thanks, I’ve got it, son.

(He picks up the box and heads towards the car. Carol comes out.)

Carol: Well, I guess that’s everything. Listen Greg, there’s plenty of food in the refrigerator, so, please remember to eat.

Greg: Don’t worry, Mom.

Carol: You’re sure you won’t change your mind and come along?

Greg: No, I got a lot of things planned.

(Carol kisses him goodbye.)

Carol: Well, I hope you have a good time.

Greg: You too, Mom.

(Greg realizes he’ll be all alone for the weekend. Mike takes one last stop inside the house to check on Greg.)

Carol: What’s the matter, honey? You forget something?

Mike: No. Greg may need a couple extra dollars for the weekend. I’ll be right back.

Carol: Okay.

(She gets inside the car as Mike goes back in the house. Greg is in his room, feeling dejected.)

Mike (coming in): Greg, listen, I wanna see if you have enough money for the weekend.

Greg: Oh, yeah, I guess so.

Mike: I thought with the chick and all…

Greg: Oh, that kind of fell through.

Mike: What about the fellas?

Greg: They’ve, uh, got other plans, Dad.

Mike: Really?

Greg: Yeah.

Mike: That’s too bad.

Greg: You know something funny, Dad? When I was in junior high, I felt like I was a pretty big man on campus.

Mike: You were, weren’t you? You were graduating, you were class president.

Greg: But now that I’m in high school, I’m nobody.

Mike: No, it’s not that you’re nobody.

Greg: It’s just like starting all over again.

Mike: Well, sure, but you’re going to be starting all over again when you go to college too, and again and again. Hey, that’s part of life.

Greg: Yeah, I guess it is.

Mike: Mmm hmmm.

Greg: Dad, I know I’ve been acting like kind of a big shot lately, but is it all right if I go on the camp-out?

Mike: Sure it would be. Come on.

Greg: Gee, thanks, Dad, I’ll get my stuff.

Mike: I don’t think you have to, your brothers have already done it for you.

Greg: They have?

Mike: Well, they were hoping pretty hard you’d change your mind. We all were. But, we thought maybe you were getting a little too big, too soon.

Greg: I wasn’t getting too big, Dad. just my head.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike back in his den, with Greg back in his old room with his brothers. Carol comes down asking mike if he’s finished working.)

Carol: Mike, aren’t you ever coming to bed?

Mike: Yeah, in aminute, honey.

Carol: You know, I think Greg is really glad to be in his old room again.

Mike: Yeah, he sure seems to be.

Carol: Whatever you’re doing, can’t it wait until the morning?

Mike: Well, this is kind of important.

Carol: What is it?

Mike: You know, this thing with Greg got me thinking.

Carol: About what?

Mike: About Marcia and Peter and Bobby and Jan and Cindy. So look.

Carol (looking at his drawing): What is it?

Mike: Our house, with eight bedrooms. kind of funky, huh.

(He and Carol hug.)

untitled hippy greg


S2 E17 Coming Out Party

untitled tonsils

Coming Out Party

Written by Alfred Lewis Levitt and Helen Levitt

Mike’s boss, Mr. Phillips, invites the family on a boat trip. The only thing to stand in its way is Cindy, then Carol, need to go to the hospital for a tonsillectomy. Hope you enjoy the script.












(The episode begins at Mike’s office, where he is working on a design. Mr. Phillips, Mike’s boss, comes in.)

Phillips: How’s it going Mike?

Mike: Fine, Mr. Phillips.

Phillips (checking Mike’s design): Very good! That window detail in native stone helped a lot.

Mike: Yeah, I thought they added something.

Phillips: How about adding something else, the Brady family to my boat Saturday. That is, if they’d like a fishing expedition.

Mike: Oh, I’m sure they would. There’s a lot of people, eight.

Phillips: Why not make it nine. Bring your housekeeper. My wife and I really enjoyed that dinner at your home.

Mike: That’s a pretty big invitation.

Phillips: Well, it’s a pretty big boat, and a pretty big ocean. Talk to you about it later.

(He turns and leaves the office.)

Mike: Thanks, Mr. Phillips.

(He gets on the phone to call home, but Carol is on the phone with her chatterbox friend, Ellie. Later on, she is still on the phone.)

Carol: Well, Carter’s has nice towels, Ellie. On sale? Yeah, it would be worth taking a look. How about next Thursday. (Mike comes in the door) Oh, well look, Ellie, I got to go, Mike’s home. No, look. why don’t you call me later. No, I have to go now, Ellie, good-bye. (She hangs up and to Mike) It’s almost impossible to get her off the phone.

(Mike kisses her.)

Carol; Where is everybody?

Carol: Scattered.

Mike (calling): Hey kids, kids!

Carol: Is something wrong, Mike?

Mike: No. On the contrary, everything is dandy. (He calls again) come on, gang, on the double!

(Jan, Cindy, Peter and Greg come.)

Jan; We’re here, Dad.

Cindy: On the double.

Mike: Where are, uh, Bobby and Marcia?

Greg: Bobby’s over at Chuck’s.

Jan: Marcia’s at Sue’s.

Mike: We’ll pass the good news on to them later.

Peter: What good news?

Mike: Mr. Philips has invited all of us, including Alice, out on his boat next Saturday for a day of deep-sea fishing.

(The kids all get excited and cheer.)

Carol: Well, Mike, I think the kids have other plans on Saturday.

Jan: We’ll change them.

Peter: Sure.

Cindy: I’ve never been on a boat before.

Greg: I think I’d rather go fishing.

Mike: Then there’s no reason we can’t go. Now, everybody stay healthy and let’s not spoil this trip.

Greg: Hey, Pete, let’s check our fishing gear.

Mike (to Carol);: We better go tell Alice about this.

(Just as everybody leaves in excitement, Cindy lets out a sneeze. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Alice and the boys outside in the yard, they are trying to convince her to go.)

Alice: Sorry fellas, I’m not going.

Greg: You gotta Alice, Dad’s boss invited you.

Peter: Especially.

Alice: When it comes to boats, just forget about good old Alice. I get seasick when I stir my coffee.

Greg: It’s all in your head, Alice.

Peter: They have pills you can when you go on boats.

Alice: Yeah, I know, I take those when I start up the washing machine.

(They put up a board on some chairs.)

Greg: But we rigged this up just to help you.

Peter: It’ll keep you from getting seasick.

Alice: No, no thanks, no.

Greg (rocking a chair): All you have to do is get used to the motion. At least try it, Alice.

Peter: Yeah, the trip don’t be the same without you.

Alice: Okay.

Greg: We’ll help you up.

(They help her get up on the board.)

Alice (afraid): Oh, oh, what, what, what do I do?

Greg: Pretend you’re out at sea.

Peter: Isn’t it easy?

Alice: Well, we’re not very far out yet.

Greg: Keep your eye on the horizon. Your knees act like springs. You go against the roll of the boat.

Alice: Hey, this isn’t too bad.

Peter: That’s what we told you.

Greg: Now try it the other way.

Alice: What other way?

Greg: Turn sideways, like you’re going into swells.

Alice (turning around): Like this?

Peter: Yeah. You’ll be the best sailor in the family.

Alice: Yeah, I might at that. Then again I might not.

(The next scene has Mike, Alice and the girls outside with him teaching them some fishing procedures.)

Mike: On Mr. Philips’ boat, we’ll be using live bait. Right now, we’ll use this sinker for weight. Okay?

Marcia (holding the rod): Just swing it back and forth?

Mike: Yeah, give it a lot of arm action, though. And aim for the bucket.

(Marcia tries but misses.)

Mike: That’s good Marcia.

Alice: That was marvelous.

Jan: What kind of fish will we catch, Dad?

Mike: Oh, I don’t know. Uh, bass, barracuda, halibut maybe.

Cindy: I want to catch something big, like a whale.

Carol (coming out) Hello, everybody.

Mike: Let’s see how your Mom can do.

Carol: What, are you kidding? I used to go fishing with my father all the time.

Mike: You did, huh.

Carol: Oh, sure. It’s all in the wrist. You just gotta know how to flip the old wrist.

Mike: Okay, be my guest. Just flip away here.

Carol: Okay, watch this, the old sidearmer. Ready?

(She whistles and aims for the bucket. However, the rod winds up in the yard of their next door neighbors, the Dittmeyers.)

Girls: Wow!

Marcia: All the way into the Dittmeyers yard.

Carol: Here we go.

Mike: Uh-oh, I think you’re hung up there.

Carol: Yeah.

Alice: I’ll get it.

Carol: Thanks, Alice.

(Alice follows the rod to the fence. She steps on a box to look over the neighbors’ yard.)

Alice: Reel it in, Mrs. brady.

Carol: Yeah.

(Alice sees what it is and goes to tell Carol.)

Alice: Congratulations, Mrs. Brady, you just caught a five pound bag of charcoal.

(The girls laugh.)

Carol: Oh, no.

(Cindy sneezes again. the Bradys’ doctor, Dr. Howard, arrives and examines her.)

Dr. Howard: Well, she’s running a low fever and her tonsils are quite inflamed. We’ve been through this before, Mr. Brady (Mike sighs) They really should come out.

Mike: You mean right away, Doc?

Dr. Howard: I’ll check her again Thursday. But, just in case, I’ll reserve a hospital room for Saturday.Meanwhile, uh, keep her in bed and lots of liquids. (He gets up to leave) I’ll send over a prescription.

Carol: Thank you, Dr. Howard.

Dr. Howard (getting up): I’ll find my own way out. (He turns to Cindy) Good-bye, young lady.

Cindy (weakly): Bye.

Mike: Good-bye, Doc.

Carol: Thanks so much for coming.

Dr. Howard: Not at all.

(Carol shuts the door behind him and then goes over to Cindy.)

Cindy: I want to go on the boat on Saturday.

Mike: Well, we can go some other time. I think your tonsils are more important.

Carol: Almost everyone has to have them out sometime, sweetheart. It’s not so bad.

Mike: Nah, sleep through the whole thing.

Carol: And when you wake up you can have all the ice cream you want. And you won’t be catching colds or getting sore throats anymore.

Cindy: But what if my tonsils get better? Then can I go n Mr. Philips’ boat Saturday?

Mike: Well, if you’re better, and you don’t need them out, yes.

Carol: And if you stay in bed like the doctor said, and lots of liquids.

Mike: You know what liquids are?

Cindy: Sure, water and milk, and even ice cream if you melt it.

(The next scene has Marcia and Jan taking Cindy’s temperature.)

Marcia (to Jan): She still has a slight fever.

Jan: I guess there goes the boat trip.

Cindy: It isn’t my fault. It’s my tonsils fault.

Carol (coming in): Isn’t it a little warm and stuffy in here?

Marcia: Patient’s rooms are supposed to be warm.

Carol: Not stuffy, now let’s leave that door open. You girls are a real big help.

Jan: I’m going to get her some more soup.

Cindy: Oh please, honey, give Alice a fighting chance, you’re using it up faster than she can make it.

Marcia (checking Cindy’s temperature): 101.5

Cindy: When did you take it?

Marcia: Just now.

Jan: And five minutes ago.

Marcia: We take it every five minutes.

Carol: Why don’t you just leave it in her mouth.

Jan: Then she couldn’t eat her soup.

Marcia: You know what the doctor said about liquids, Mom.

Cindy: Soup’s a liquid, even if it has junk in it.

Jan: We want her to get well so we can go on that boat trip.

Marcia: We gave up our ballet for Saturday afternoon.

Carol: Yes, I know all about it. Now why don’t you two Florence Nightingales go get ready for dinner, the relief nurse will take over. (Marcia hands her the thermometer) Thank you.

(Next, Peter and Greg are in their room, sulking about missing the boat trip. Mike comes in.)

Mike: Chow time, men. (They stay and continue brooding.) Oh, why the dragging chins?

Greg: Well, with Cindy sick, the boat trip will probably be off.

Mike: Oh yeah. Well, it’s not exactly the end of the world.

Greg: Well, look what we gave up for it.

Peter: Yeah, the Hansons invited Bobby and me to the circus Saturday afternoon, and we turned it down.

Greg: And I gave up a basketball game, they got some guy to replace me.

Peter: Now we don’t even have the boat trip.

Mike: Well, maybe we do.

(Mike is on the phone with Mr. Phillips. Greg and Peter are standing there with him.)

Mike: Two weeks from Saturday would be better for us, Mr. Phillips, if it’s okay with you, of course. Oh yeah, that’d be fine. Thanks very much. I’ll see you in the morning. (He hangs up) All set, men.

Greg: Thanks, dad.

Peter: Let’s tell the girls.

Alice: So it’s down to the sea again in ships?

Mike: Yeah, you don’t sound too thrilled.

Alice: Well, let’s just say I’m none the mal de merrier.

Mike: Oh, Alice, seasickness is just a state of mind.

Alice: Well, I’m a native of that state. (He picks up a tray) I’d better get this soup up to Cindy, she hasn’t had any in 15 minutes.

Carol (coming in the kitchen): Hmm, looks good. (to Mike) Well, the boys broke the good news.

Mike: Yeah, in two weeks, Cindy ought to be fine.

(The phone rings. Carol answers.)

Carol: Hello. Oh, it’s you, Ellie. Well, I’m just a little busy at the moment, Ellie.

Mike: Be firm, hang up.

Carol (shushing him): Mike, I can’t insult her. (back on the phone) of course, I’m listening, Ellie. (Mike grabs the phone cord and causes the phone to drop. Carol picks it up and puts it back in place) Yes Ellie, yes, sure. Yeah, everything’s just fine. Yeah.

(The next scene has Dr. Howard back at the house to check on Cindy. He is trying to get her to open her mouth so he can check her tonsils.)

Dr. Howard: I just want one look, Cindy.

Cindy: I’m all better.

Mike: Honey, Dr. Howard’s not going to hurt you.

Carol: He just wants to check your tonsils.

Cindy: My tonsils went away.

Dr. Howard: Now please honey, just one little peek.

(Cindy opens her mouth for just half a second.)

Carol: Oh honey, watch Mommy. It’s very simple, just open your mouth wide and the doctor puts the little stick in. (The doctor puts it in Carol’s mouth and she says ah) There, you see, honey.

Dr. Howard: Mrs. Brady, would you mind if I take another peek?

Carol: Oh no, not at all. Now watch, honey. (The doctor puts the stick in again) See honey, there’s nothing to it.

Mike: Now you do what Mommy did.

Carol: Right, it’s your turn now Cindy, come on.

Cindy: Okay, but only one peek.

Dr. Howard: Open wide. (Cindy opens up and says ah) Uh-huh, well, there’s no doubt about it.

Carol: They have to come out?

Dr. Howard: Oh, for sure. (He turns to Mike) Check them into the hospital before 6:00 Friday afternoon.

Mike (astonished): Them?

Carol: Us?

Dr. Howard: Mrs. Brady, your tonsils are almost as bad as Cindy’s.

Carol: But that’s impossible, Dr. Howard. I mean, I had sore throats every now and then but, well, it feels just fine now.

Cindy: Mine too.

Dr. Howard: Mrs. Brady, there are other symptoms of tonsillitis, and, in adults, it can be more serious if you let them go.

Carol: But…

Dr. Howard: Mrs. Brady, if you feel that I’m qualified to judge your daughter’s condition, then you must feel I’m qualified to judge yours.

Carol: Oh, I do.

Dr. Howard (to Mike): Check them both into the hospital before 6:00 Friday afternoon. )He turns to leave) Good-bye all, good-bye.

(Mike starts laughing.)

Carol: Well, you might have said something, Mike.

Mike: Honey, I was afraid to open my mouth or he’d take mine out too.

(The scene fades out.)

untitled sick cindy

(The next scene has Carol packing for the hospital, with help from Marcia and Jan.)

Carol: I hope you kids are going to be all right while I’m gone.

Marcia: We’ll be fine, Mom.

Jan: We’ll have Dad and Alice.

Carol: Oh, that’s right.

Marcia: And you’ll have Cindy.

Peter (coming by): Have a good time, Mom.

Carol: Oh, thanks, Peter. (to herself) That’s funny, that’s the same advice I got some Bobby. (to Peter) Don’t forget, you have a dental appointment in the morning.

Peter: How could I forget? You told me three times in the last half hour.

(Peter leaves.)

Carol: Marcia, you better go help Cindy pack, okay?

Marcia: She’s all packed. Jan helped her.

Carol: Well then, what are we waiting for?

Maria: You.

(Greg comes by.)

Greg: Anything I can do, Mom?

Carol: Yes Greg, would you tell your father that we’re just about ready?

Greg: Right. (Mike and Cindy appear) Here he is.

Carol (noticing Cindy holding her doll): Cindy honey, I don’t think you’ll need your doll in the hospital.

Cindy: If I have to have my tonsils out, so does she.

(Mike picks up Cindy’s suitcase.)

Mike: Cindy, what in the world have you got in here?

Cindy: Oh, just a few things I need.

Carol: Like what?

Cindy: Like my stuffed elephant, my teddy bear, my piggy bank and a bag of rocks.

Alice (coming in the room): I’ve got a few non-essentials here for Cindy. Pajamas, slippers, toothbrush.

Carol: Oh, thanks, Alice. (They put them in her suitcase) Well, I guess that’ll just about do it. (The phone rings) That’s got to be Ellie.

Mike (answering the phone): Hello. Oh, hi Ellie. Oh, I’m sorry, you just missed her. She’s on her way to the hospital. Yeah, I sure will, bye Ellie.

(He hangs up.)

Carol: Mike, I am not on my way to the hospital.

Mike: Oh, yes you are, come on, right now.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, when you get back, the ice cream will be ready and waiting.

Carol: Thanks Alice, that’s a very comforting thought.

(They all leave the room. Next, we see a shot of the hospital, then the family coming back from the hospital. Alice gets some ice cream for Cindy and Carol, who are upstairs in the parents’ bed and Dr. Howard checking up on them.)

Dr. Howard: Well, you’re both doing fine. Now, I want you to follow two strict orders. First, stay in bed.

Carol (muttering): Doctor.

Dr. Howard: And second, not a peep out of either of you. (Carol makes a waving gesture) Now, what’s that supposed to mean?

Mike: The family’s due to go on a boating trip a week from Saturday

Dr. Howard: Oh. You’ll make it. Lots of liquids, uh, gelatin, ice cream. And remember, no talking, okay? I’ll drop by tomorrow morning.

Mike: Thanks, Dr. Howard.

Dr. Howard: Bye-bye.

(They wave good-bye to him.)

Mike: Well, I have to get to the office. Is there anything you want? Uh, don’t answer, write it down. Cindy? (She shakes her head no) Okay. Now remember Carol, no talking, especially if your friend Ellie calls, let Alice answer the phone. (She gives him the okay signal) Okay, I’ll be home early.

(Carol blows him a kiss and Alice comes in with ice cream for both of them.)

Alice: Well, this should get them off to a good start. (Carol and Cindy knock their spoons together, as if making a toast) Now remember, it’s a little rough, going down at first. Take your time. easy does it. (Carol gives a discomforting look) I’m headed for the market, any special requests?

Carol (weakly): Get a dozen?

Alice: Write it down. (Carol gets a pad and apaer and writes, then hands a paper to Alice) Okay, Cindy, more ice cream? (Cindy nods) Vanilla? (She nods), Chocolate? (She nods again) Strawberry? (Cindy nods again) Which one? (Cindy nods again, Alice gets the message)

(Mike calls the house from the office. It rings three times and Carol answers.)

Carol: Hello.

Mike (angry): Carol, what are you doing answering the phone? Where’s Alice?

Carol: At the market. I won’t, I won’t do it again.

Mike: Good, how do you feel? Uh, no, don’t answer. I’ll see you later, bye.

(They hang up and Cindy makes a shameful gesture to Carol. She takes a magazine to read. Mike calls again a few minutes later. Carol answers after several rings.)

Carol: Hello.

Mike (faking his voice): Hi Carol, this is Ellie.

Carol: Ellie? It doesn’t sound like you.

Mike: You know why?

Carol: Why?

Mike (with his real voice): Because it’s your husband.

Carol: Sorry, wrong number.

(She hangs up. Mr. Phillips is at the office.)

Secretary: Yes, Mr. Philips.

Mr. Philips: Get me Mike Brady, please.

Secretary: Mr. Brady left 15 minutes ago. Something about getting home to his wife.

Mr. Philips: Oh yes, she’s back from the hospital. Uh, what’s that number?

(He calls the house.)

Cindy (weakly): Bet that’s Daddy.

Carol: Not again. Maybe it’s Ellie. (It rings a few more times and she answers) Hello.

Mr. Philips: Ahoy, Mrs. Brady, this is Mr. Philips.

Cindy (to Carol): Daddy?

Carol: Sure it’s Mr. Philips.

Mr. Phillips: Feeling better?

Carol: Not well enough to go on that broken down barnacle barge of yours.

(She hangs up, much to Mr. Philips surprise and chagrin. Mike walks in.)

Mike: Hi, honey.

Carol: Oh, no.

Mike: What’s the matter?

Carol: Mike, I just…

Mike: Honey, don’t talk, write it. What did you just?

(Carol takes the pad and writes on it. She passes a piece of paper to Cindy, who passes it to Mike.)

Mike (reading): My boss. You thought it was me on the phone trying to trick you? (She passes another piece of paper to Cindy, then to Mike, who reads it) You called his boat a broken down (he finishes her sentence on another piece of paper) barnacle barge? You know, this wouldn’t happen if you stayed off the phone. Oh well, I’m sure I could square it. (He goes tot he phone) I’ll call him back and explain the whole thing. He’ll probably get a big kick out of it. (He starts dialing and gets on the phone) Mr. Philips please, Mike Brady calling. (Pause) Mr. Phillips, this is Mike Brady, listen, there’s been a funny misunderstanding today and I think you’re gonna get a big kick out of it. (Mr. Phillips hangs up) He didn’t get a big kick out of it.

(That evening, Mr. Phillips comes to visit with flowers.)

Mr. Philips: Good evening, Mike.

Mike (answering the door): Mr. Philips.

Mr. Philips: May I come in?

Mike: Why, of course.

(Mike shakes his hand and lets him in.)

Mr. Philips: Thank you. (He sees Carol laying on the couch in the living room.) Well, it’s good to see you up and around.

Carol (whispering): Thank you.

Mike: She’s not supposed to speak. That’s what caused the mix-up on the phone this afternoon. She thought it was me trying to trick her.

Mr. Phillips (to Carol): Well, you can insult a man’s wife, but never his boat. I must admit my nose was slightly out of joint at the time, but thinking it over, I realized there must be some logical explanation, and that’s why I dropped by, to bring you these.

(He give her the flowers.)

Carol (whispering): Thank you.

Mr. Philips: And to ask you if you’d all still like to go on that boat trip a week from Saturday.

Mike: Oh, I think I can get you a quick answer, Mr. Philips. (yelling) Kids! (Greg, Marcia, Jan and Peter come out) Mr. Philips wants to know if we still want to go on that boat trip.

(They all get excited and cheer, then go back tot heir rooms.)

Mr. Philips: Splendid, I’m looking forward to it myself. (Carol writes him a note and hands it to him) For me? (He reads it) I have a beautiful boat? (He laughs) Well, that makes up for everything. Good night, Mrs. Brady, Mike.

Mike: Good night, Mr. Philips and thanks.

Mr. Philips: Don’t mention it. Uh, don’t bother seeing me out.

(He leaves.)

Carol (whispering): Mike.

Mike: Honey, don’t talk.

Carol: But Mike.

Mike: Oh boy, I guess there’s only one way to shut your mouth.

(He gives her a big kiss.)

(The next scene has the Bradys on the boat with Mr. Philips, they are sailing, fishing and doing other fun things. That evening, they return home.)

Marcia: What a groovy day on Mr. Philips’ boat.

Jan: What about that fish I caught.

Cindy: My fish was bigger, well, if I caught it.

Carol (laughing): Okay kids, up to bed.

(The girls go upstairs, Mike and Carol remain in the kitchen.)

Mike: Kids sure got a kick out of it.

(Greg and Peter follow with a seasick Alice.)

Greg: I don’t know anybody could get seasick so fast.

Alice: It wasn’t so fast. I was perfectly fine till I saw the boat.

Carol: Okay guys, we’ll take over from here. Thanks. (She and Mike handle Alice) Come on, Alice.

Mike: Now, you’ll be all right.

(They help her to her room as the scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Greg and Peter in the backyard trying to land their fishing rods in the bucket.)

Greg: I bet I’ll get it in this time. (Greg misses and Peter laughs out loud) Well I was close.

(Carol and Alice come out.)

Alice: Hey, you fellas better get washed up.

Carol: Your father will be home for dinner any minute.

Peter: Wait a second, Mom, we’re having a contest. (to Greg) Bet you I get it closer.

(Peter tries but no luck.)

Greg (laughing): You missed it by a mile.

Peter: You didn’t get it in either.

Carol: Uh, you guys want to stand back and watch the old queen of the sidearmers here take over? (She takes the rod) Watch this now, right into the old bucket.

(She aims but it goes over the fence.)

Greg (laughing): Right over the fence.

Peter: You don’t know your own strength, Mom.

Carol: Well, if you got it, you got it.

Alice: Oops, I think you’re hooked up again.

Carol: Oh, no.

Alice: Yeah, come on.

(Alice follows the line and steps on a box to see where the line ended up. She feels something and gives a unsure look to Carol.)

Carol: I hope it’s not Mr. Dittmeyer’s charcoal again.

Alice: No, Mrs. Brady, it’s Mr. Dittmeyer.

(Alice rises up the angry neighbor while Carol and the boys laugh.)

untitled mr. dittmeyer


                       THE END