S4 E3 The Tiki Caves

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The Tiki Caves

Written by Tam Spiva

The boys go to a burial ground to return the alleged cursed idol. There they are kidnapped by a mad archaeologist. I hope you enjoy the script.














(The episode picks up from the previous one. The boys are looking for the tomb of the first king to bury the idol with.)

Peter: We’ve been all over these burial grounds. There’s nobody here.

Greg: Well somebody lit these torches. Let’s keep looking.

(They look further as a narrator discusses the previous two parts of the episode. When they arrived and Bobby and Peter found the tabu and all the things it allegedly caused to happen. Also about the boys coming to the burial ground and cave, and are being followed. The scene fades.)

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(The next scene has them continue to search.)

Greg (calling): Hey, anybody here?

Peter: It’s spooky in here.

(The other man. Professor Hubert Whitehead, gets an idea.)

Professor (laughing to himself): That’s it. Scare them out of here.

(He picks up a rock and throws it. The boys get startled.)

Peter: What was that?

Greg: One of us just kicked a rock.

Peter: But were just standing here!

Greg (frustrated): Oh, you guys and your imaginations!

(Cut back to the Professor, who rocks a metal cabinet, making a creaking sound.)

Peter (frightened): That wasn’t my imagination. My imagination doesn’t creak!

Greg: Okay, okay, so something creaked!

Peter: What could creak on here?

Bobby: Dead bones can creak.

(They continue to walk as we cut back to the hotel, where we see a worried Carol and Alice.)

Carol: Oh, I can feel it in my bones, Alice. Something is wrong.

Alice: Oh, I bet they’ll be home any minute. You know those guys, when they’re having fun, they forget about everything.

Carol (firmly): Not dinner!

(Mike comes in.)

Carol: Oh, Mike, did you find the bus driver?

Mike: Yeah, he remembers the boys getting off the bus, but he doesn’t remember exactly where.

Carol (annoyed): Maybe we oughtta call the police.

Mike: And tell them what, honey? The boys are a little late?

Alice: He’s right, Mrs. Brady, it’s like I said before, they forget about everything when they’re having fun.

(Cut back to the cave. The boys seem to be going around in circles.)

Greg: A dead end.

Peter: It’s just an end, don’t say dead.

Bobby: I’m with him.

(They take another turn as the professor runs to speak to the totem pole, which he calls Oliver.)

Professor: Oh Oliver, Oliver, how could I have been so careless? I should have covered the entrance to the cave better. Those children are gonna ruin everything, I must get rid of them.

(The guys are about to move up to that direction.)

Greg: Will you guys come on!

(The professor hears them and hides behind the totem pole. He seems them through the pole.)

Peter: We’re gonna be in a lot of trouble with Mom and Dad.

Bobby: Yeah, we shouldn’t have done this.

Greg: You’re both just scared, why don’t you admit it.

Bobby (defiantly): I’m not scared!

Peter: I’m not scared!

Greg: Okay, you stay here while I look down there.

Bobby: I’m scared!

Peter: We admit it.

(They run to join Greg. The professor takes pride in what happened.)

Professor (to the totem pole): Did you hear that, Oliver? I really did frighten them. Now to finish the job.

(Back at the hotel, the girls are debating whether to tell the parents where the boys went.)

Jan: I think we should tell Mom and Dad where they went.

Cindy: Jan’s right, we should tell them.

Marcia: But we gave our promise that we wouldn’t. I say we wait a little longer.

(Cut back to the cave, where the boys are obviously trapped. )

Greg: Another dead end.

Peter: I tell you there’s nobody here. (They hear a very strange sound) Did you hear that?

Greg: Yeah, I heard it.

Bobby: If that’s somebody, I don’t wanna meet him.  (They hear the noise again) I’m getting out of here.

Peter: I’m with you.

(They run and hear the noise once again.)

Greg: Hold on, you guys. Don’t panic. All right, we know someone’s in here, so come out, whoever you are.

(The professor comes out from a trunk wearing a strange costume. He makes that weird noise again and the boys run in fear. The professor comes out of the trunk.)

Professor (to himself): Darn it, they went the wrong way. He goes over to the totem pole) Well, Oliver, if I can’t get rid of them one way, I’ll get rid of them another. (He grabs a long, pointed stick) All right, I tried to frighten you, but you wouldn’t go! Now come on out, I got you trapped!

(Cut back to the hotel, where the girls tell the parents about the situation.)

Mike: Why didn’t you tell us this before?

Marcia: Because we promised the boys that we wouldn’t.

Carol: Honey, you know better than that. You don’t keep a promise like that if you know it might hurt someone.

Mike: Where did they go?

Cindy: We don’t know.

Jan: But the boys did say they were gonna take the idol back to some old burial ground.

Alice: Well, didn’t they say where it was?

Marcia: No, but old Mr. Hanelei told them where it was. He works for the construction company, Dad.

Mike: Then I think we better have a talk with Mr. Hanelei.

Carol: Right.

(Cut back to the cave. The professor tied the boys to a post and went to talk to Oliver.)

Professor: Well, this is definitely a fly in the anointment, Oliver. The sticky wicket. What are we gonna do with these boys, Oliver?

Bobby: He keeps calling that thing Oliver?

Professor (to the boys): When you’re been alone as long as I have, you need companionship, someone to talk to?

Greg: Sure, everybody needs a friend.

Professor: Well, the point is, what are you doing here? Nobody knows about this cave but me.

Greg: We just stumbled on to it

Peter: Honest, we came to the burial ground to bring back the little idol.

Professor (wide eyed): Idol? What idol?

Bobby: In Greg’s pocket.

Professor: Which one is Greg?

Bobby: The big one.

(Greg looks disgustedly at Bobby as the professor takes the idol, then looks it over.?

Professor: Oh, it’s beautiful. It’s exquisitive. It’s a most important archaeological find. You naughty, naughty boys. You didn’t bring this here, you found this while you’ve been here in this cave.

Greg: No we didn’t. We found it back it in Honolulu.

Professor: Don’t lie to me. You found the find I didn’t find.

Bobby: Honest, mister, we didn’t find the found you didn’t (Pause) Find.

Professor: Stubborn, aren’t you. (He goes right over to Bobby) Well, I can wait, I can wait a long, long time because you’re never gonna leave here until you tell me the truth.

(Meanwhile, Mike and Carol are asking Me. Hanelei about the burial ground.)

Hanelei: I did nothing wrong.

Mike: We’re not blaming anybody, Mr. Hanelei. Just tell us where our boys went.

Hanelei: I did nothing wrong.

Mike: Please, Mr. Hanelei.

Carol: The boys are lost. They haven’t come back.

Hanelei: They did not come back?

Carol: No. Will you please help us.

Hanelei: That is bad. I will tell you what I told them.

(Back at the cave, the professor is having some beans with the boys tied up and watching him.)

Bobby: Boy, those beans sure look good.

Professor: Well, all you have to do is spill the beans and they’re yours.

Peter: Mister, we’re telling you the truth about the idol.

Greg: That’s right,Mr…

Professor: Not Mr., Professor. Professor Hubert Whitehead.

Greg: You’re a professor?

Professor: Hmm, a professor of archaeology.

Peter: Archaeology, that’s about digging up ruins, isn’t it.

Professor: Ruins and bones and mummies. Other fun things. I don’t suppose any of you ever heard of me.

Greg: No, I don’t think we have.

Professor: Nobody has, that’s my problem. You know, I remember when I was digging along the Nile, with Carruthers. The wretched jack, Carruthers, I never could stand him. He was always winning. You know what I mean?

Bobby: Oh, I know a guy like that.

Professor: Well, we were searching for the lost tomb of Overo and we almost had it narrowed down to the exact spot when Carruthers suggested that I search one way while he searched another.

Greg: What happened?

Professor: Carruthers found the tomb.

Peter: And you?

Professor: I got lost.

Greg: That’s tough luck, Professor.

Peter: Is that what you’re doing here now? Looking for stuff for museums?

Professor: Museums? (He scoffs) I turned my back on the academic world. There are treasures buried in this cave that are worth a fortune, a fortune. And they’re all mine, all mine.

Bobby: You mean you’re gonna steal it?

Professor: Please. I prefer to think of it as proper compensation for past injustices. That’s why you’re gonna tell me where you found that idol. Because wherever it was, there’s bound to be more.

Greg (protesting): We already told you, back in Honolulu!

Professor: I want the truth. You’re somebody’s children, aren’t you?

Bobby: Yep.

Greg: And we’d like to keep it that way.

Professor: Precisely why you’re gonna tell me where you found that idol. Now you think about it, while I go reheat my beans.

(The professor gets up to do so.)

Peter (whispering): That guy is a real ding-a-ling.

Bobby: Yeah. We gotta get out of here.

Greg: Don’t worry. When he tied us up I felt some slack in my rope. We should be out of this in a minute.

(Greg starts to untie himself while Mike and Carol, who came to hunt for them, parked their car outside the burial site. They exit the car.)

Carol: Honey, are you sure this is the right place?

Mike: From what Mr. Hanelei said, it has to be.

Carol: Oh, it’s not gonna be easy to find them in here at night.

Mike: No, but we’re gonna find them, come on.

(Meantime, Greg unties the other boys and they try to escape.)

Greg: Don’t make a sound.

(They tiptoe away but the professor comes out with his spear.)

Professor: Thought you could get away from the old professor, didn’t you, didn’t you!

(He laughs and goads them back to the spot he tied them up in. The scene fades away. )

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(In the next scene, the professor reties them )

Professor (sternly): Very naughty of you trying to run away.

Greg: We’re sorry, Professor.

Bobby: Yeah, we just lost our heads.

Peter: Shh, don’t give him any ideas.

Professor: This foolishness has got to stop. Either you tell me where you found that idol or I’m gonna take what treasures I can, leave you tied here in this cave, and go. (He gets sterner) Now, start talking!

Greg: I’ve got something to tell you, Professor.

Professor (bitterly): What?

Greg: Your beans are burning.

Professor: Oh, good heavens.

(He takes off. )

Greg (to Peter and Bobby): I had to get rid of him for a minute so we can figure out what to do.

Peter: We told him the truth. He won’t believe us.

Bobby: Yeah, we found the idol in Honolulu.

Greg: This time we’ll lie. We gotta stall for time.

Bobby: What good will that do?

Greg: The girls know where we are. They’ll tell Mom and Dad, and they’ll come and get us.

Peter: But you made the girls promise to keep it a secret.

Greg: That’s the point, those blabbermouths never keep a secret.

Bobby: Boy, I hope you’re right.

Greg: Let’s stall for time. And even if Mom and Dad don’t come, something else might happen.

Peter: I can think of lots of things that can happen.

Bobby: Me too, and I don’t like any of them.

(Cut back to the burial ground. Mike and Carol are still searching for the boys, when Mike notices something.)

Mike: Hey, look.

Carol: What is it?

Mike: It’s popcorn. And it leads a way from here like a trail.

Carol: And Bobby’s always eating popcorn.

Mike: That’s right. I’m sure it’s a trail. Come on, honey, we’re gonna find them.

(Back in the cave, Greg callsthe professor on his new claim. )

Greg (calling): Professor!

(He comes back to them.)

Professor: A word of thanks, boys, you saved my beans.

Greg: Well, good.

Professor: Now, let’s get on with it. Are you prepared to tell me where you found that idol? The precise spot in this cave?

Greg: That’s the trouble. We don’t remember exactly. You see, we found it when you tried to scare us away.

Professor: Should we believe him, Oliver?

Bobby: Believe us, Oliver, believe us.

Peter: If you untie us, Professor, we’re sure we can help you find the exact spot.

Professor: All right, I’ll untie you, but don’t try to run away, because if you do…

(He points his spear at them. )

Greg: We get the point.

(Back in the burial ground, Mike and Carol are still searching for them.)

Mike: There’s more popcorn here,. honey.

Carol (doubtful): Maybe it isn’t Bobby’s. Maybe it’s been there for days.

Mike: No, no,no. With all the birds around, not a chance. Come on, honey, let’s go.

(Cut back to the cave, where the guys try to show the professor where they claim to have found the idol.)

Professor: I thought you knew exactly where you found it!

Greg: I didn’t mean exactly, exactly, Professor. I meant exactly in the exact location. Not the exact spot in the exact location, exactly. Understand?

Professor: Exactly.

Bobby: You do.

Professor: I now believe that you found the idol in Honolulu. So, there’s only one thing I can do.

Peter: Let us go?

(The professor gives them the okay signal.)

Professor: Wrong, I have no choice.

Bobby: Do we have a choice?

Professor: No! I’m gonna tie you up again and get out with my treasures. All right now, move, move, move, move, move, move. (They go back to the old post they were tied up at with him following them with his spear) All right, over there, over there.

(Bobby finds they’re out of sequence from the last time they were tied up. )

Bobby: Hey. this isn’t my tiki, that’s my tiki.

(Peter and Greg block him from going to his desired tiki and he screams and wrestles them. They argue.)

Professor: Oh, for goodness sake, take any tiki!

(Bobby, Greg and Peter line up as the professor gets the rope. Peter taps Greg and they switch, to the discuss of the professor, who tied them up. Mike and Carol are closer to the cave.)

Carol: Mike, this must be the burial ground.

Mike: Carol, look.

(They see the cave and enter it. The professor becomes apologetic to the boys.)

Professor: I’m sorry if I frightened you boys, I never really meant to hurt you. When I get into town, I’ll send someone back tol let you go. Would you like some beans?

(Mike and Carol find them in the cave. )

Bobby: Mom!

Peter: Dad!

Greg: Over here.

(They come running to them )

Carol: Boys! Are you all right?

(The professor goes to sit down somewhere and gets dejected. )

Professor (to himself): Now everyone knows about my secret cave, it’s become a tourist attraction.

Mike: Listen, I don’t know who you are or what you’re doing, but you have a lot of explaining to do.

Professor: Yes, I suppose I do owe you that.

(Next, the professor is concluding his explanation with an apology. )

Professor: So, let me say once again how sorry I am that I frightened your boys, Mr. Brady. All I ever really wanted was a place of my own in the academic world, and, now I’ve sunk to crime. I’m an archaeological dropout.

Mike: Professor, you didn’t really think you’d get away with stealing all these treasures, did you?

Professor: Well, one has hopes.

Mike: Well, what if you reported the cave and the treasures to the state of Hawaii.

Professor: Well, I’ve thought of that, but, somehow, someway, somebody else would get the credit for it.

Mike: Not if you had five witnesses who would swear that you found it.

Professor: Five witnesses?

Mike: Me, my boys and my wife.

Professor (excited): Then I’d be assured of reporting a major archaeological find.

Mike: Right!

Professor: You’d do that for me?

Mike: Sure.

Professor: I’d be famous. (He goes over to Oliver) Oh, Oliver, Oliver, did you hear that? I’ve done it. I made a discovery of my very own. Me, Oliver,me. Oh, Oliver.

(He then proceeds to hug it, much to Mike’s surprise. Carol and the boys come by.)

Peter: Well, we found it.

Greg: The tomb of the first king.

Bobby: And we put the tabu idol back.

Carol: Honey, you know there are some very weird things in here.

Mike: You’re telling me.

(He motions to the professor, who is still hugging Oliver.)

Bobby: Oh, that’s just Oliver.

(Next, the Brady’s and the professor are at a luau, in honor of the professor and his discovery. The mayor’s representative makes a speech.)

Representative: Tonight, with this luau, we celebrate the illustrious Dr. Whitehead’s major archaeological discovery (the Brady’s all applaud him) and his appointment as developer and durator of the museum’s new Whitehead wing. (They applaud him again)And  also to honor the Brady family (another round of applause) who helped make his discovery possible. We consider them Islanders, old Hawaiian friends. Aloha Bumehama.

The Brady’s: Aloha.

Representative: Let us rejoice. As tradition demands, you must blow the horn of brotherhood.

(He hands the horn to Cindy, who goes first.)

Carol: Come on, sweetheart.

(She blows on it, then passed it to Jan, then Marcia, who has a hard time with it. Next is Alice, who doesn’t do much better and believes her lip is gone, then to Carol, Mike, Greg, Peter and Bobby, who makes an excellent sound. He hands it to the representative.) 

Representative: Small boy has big lungs. Now, let the luau continue.

(The festivities go on as the Bradys and the professor continue to enjoy themselves.)

Professor: It’s a magnificent evening. Oliver would’ve loved it. (The scene fades out. )

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(The final scene has the Bradys getting ready to go back home.)

Carol: Honey, this has been an absolutely marvelous vacation.

Mike: It will be a real marvel if we could get everything packed so we could go

Carol: Yeah.

(Bobby comes in to the parents’ room.)

Bobby: All us guys ready, Dad.

Mike: Great, hey Bob, come here, give me a hand. (He comes over to him) Hop up there (the suitcase).

( Bobby sits on top of the suitcase to close it. )

Mike: That’s it.

Bobby: Boy, am I glad we’re not taking that bad luck idol home with us.

Carol: Honey, that’s not a bad luck idol.

Mike: Right. That bad luck is all in your head.

Bobby: What about Greg getting hit on the head with a surfboard.

Carol: Well, it was good luck he wasn’t really hurt.

Bobby: What about the spider that crawled on Pete.

Mike: He was lucky it wasn’t poisonous.

Bobby: Oh, I get it. I guess it just depends on how you look at things.

Carol: Exactly.

( Mike closed the suitcase.)

Mike: There. Okay.

(He realizes something.)

Mike: Uh oh. Well, I broke my sandal, what rotten luck.

Bobby: No, that’s good luck.

Mike: Good luck?

Bobby: Sure, you’re lucky your foot wasn’t in it.

(Carol laughs.)

Bobby: It all depends on how you look at things.

(We next see the airplane the family is on taking them home. )



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S4 E2 Pass the Tabu

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Pass the Tabu

Written by Tam Spiva

Greg almost drowns in a surfing contest while wearing a tabu idol around his neck. I hope you enjoy the script.











DAVID, construction worker and Greg’s friend

MR.HANELEI, construction worker

MANDY, girl on beach

(The episode picks up from the last one. Greg was wiped out from surfing with the family searching for him. We get a narrated voice-over depicting the previous episode’s happenings. The family arriving to Hawaii, Bobby and Peter finding the tabu. The heavy wall decoration almost hitting Bobby. Alice’s back going out and Greg getting struck by the wave. Mike finally sees him struggling to stay afloat.)

Mike: There he is!

(He goes to help him to safety and Carol helps him.)

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(The next scene has Mike and Carol bringing Greg out of the water surrounded by the family.)

Cindy: Greg, Greg what happened?

Jan: Are you all right?

David: Hey, I better go get the car.

Mike: Are you all right, son?

Greg: Oh, wow, what happened?

Mike: Greg, you understand what I’m saying.

Greg: Yeah, yeah, Dad.

Carol: Honey, you hurt anywhere?

Greg: No. (Carol starts touching him) yeah, yeah, everywhere.

Peter: Boy, that was some wipeout.

Greg: I know, I was there. (He feels pain in back of his head) Have I got a lump on the back of my head.

Jan: You must  have hit your head on the surfboard.

Alice: The back of his neck is all skin.

Greg; Hey Bobby, I’m afraid I lost your little tiki statue.

Bobby: Well, it’s a good thing you had it, you could’ve been drowned.

Carol: Mike, you think he’s all right?

Mike: I think to be on the safe side, we better have the hotel doctor take a look at him. Greg, can you get up?

Greg: Yeah, Dad, I can make it back to the car kay.

(He starts walking towards the water.)

Carol: Uh, Greg, Greg, sweetheart, the car is this way, okay. Just take it easy.

Greg: I’m okay.

(They all walk toward the car. Alice and the girls are now collecting their belongings from the beach.)

Cindy: I’m sure glad Greg didn’t het hurt. It would’ve ruined our picnic tomorrow.

Alice: That’s sure looking on the Brightside of things. Jan, honey, will you please do me a favor and  make sure we haven’t left anything.

Jan: Okay.

Alice (to Cindy and Marcia): Get the sand off, get most of the sand off if you can, kids.

(Jan walks down to the shore and finds the idol.)

Jan: Oh, what luck.

(She puts it in her beach bag and catches up with Alice and her sisters. We next see Mike and Carol in their hotel room.)

Carol: We’ll drop you off to work on the way, dear.

Mike: Hah, that’s a life. A man goes to work and a woman goes on a picnic.

Carol: Ah, don’t worry. (she kisses him) Someday there will be men’s lib. (They hear a knock on the door) Come in.

(Greg comes in.)

Greg: Mom, if you don’t mind, we guys would like to stay here. Knock around the beach for a while.

Carol: You mean you don’t want to go to the picnic?

Greg: The beach with all those girls. That’s my kind of picnic.

(Carol playfully hits him with Mike’s cylinder and he leaves.)

Mike: The doctor was right. That hit on the head didn’t hurt him at all.

Carol: Yeah, he’s back to normal, all right.

Mike: Yea, come to think of it, I’m with Greg. That’s my kind of picnic too.

Carol: Oh yeah, you just stick to work, buster. (She hands him the cylinders) Would you put these in the car, please? I’ll get the girls. (She goes to the door to the next room) Come on, girls, hurry up.

(Alice whistles through her teeth) Hey, come on, let’s go, time’s a wasting. Come on, kids.

(They start to run out but Jan stops.)

Jan: Oh, my camera, darn it.

(She gets the camera and put sit in her bag, where the idol still is.)

Marcia (calling):Jan!

Jan: I’m coming.

(Next, we see Greg on the beach checking out girls that walk by. Then he sees a very attractive blonde girl setting herself up on the beach. He goes to approach her.)

Greg: You shooting from the mainland?

Mandy: Yeah, you too?

Greg: Well, no, I guess you can call me an old island hand.

Mandy: Really?

Greg: Yeah. Say, the sun here is pretty strong. I think you better use plenty of that suntan lotion.

Mandy: Thanks.

Greg: Just an old island know how. Let me help you with your back. Island hospitality.

(Peter and Bobby come over.)

Peter: Hi.

Bobby: What you doing?

Greg: I thought you guys went to go look for your statue.

Bobby: We did. We couldn’t find it.

Greg: Maybe you missed it.

Peter: No way, it’s not there.

Bobby: You go look.

Peter: Yeah.

Greg: Say, why don’t you guys go play in the water, or build sandcastles. They have some great sand. (He points) Way down there.

Peter: You coming too?

Greg: Not right now.

Bobby: We’ll wait.

Peter: Yeah.

Greg: Can’t you guys see I’m busy?

Bobby: Doing what?

Greg: I’m helping….

Mandy: Mandy.

Greg: Mandy. You see, I’m helping Mandy put on some suntan lotion (snarling) And I’ll see you later.

Peter: Hi, Mandy. I’m Peter.

Bobby; I’m Bobby.

Mandy: Hi. (to Greg) By the way, who are you?

Greg: I’m Greg. (to Bobby and Cindy) Like I said, I’m helping Mandy with some suntan lotion.

Peter: That’s okay. I’ll give you a hand.

Bobby: We’ll all give you a hand.

Mandy: Wow, this is what I call real island hospitality.

(Next, we get a glimpse of the island and Carol and Alice are sitting on the beach, enjoying themselves.)

Carol: Oh boy, Alice, what a perfect day.

Alice: Oh yeah, it’s nice to look up there and see all that blue stuff.

Carol: You mean the sky?

Alice: Yeah, back home, all that blue stuff is behind all that brown stuff.

(Suddenly, a spider starts crawling around the bags.)

Carol: We better get a move-on if we wanna do some sightseeing before we go back to the hotel.

Alice; That’s a good idea, Mrs. Brady. (She calls to the girls) Hey, kids! Gang! Come on, kids, we’re gonna do some sightseeing.

(The girls exit the water wearing goggles, flippers and other swimming equipment. Alice and Carol start to get their things ready as the girls go over to join them. They are looking at some things on the island through viewfinders.)

Alice: That is what they call rabbit island.

Marcia: Does anybody have a tissue? This lens is dirty.

Jan: Oh, I think I do.

(She reaches into her bag, where the spider jumped into.)

Carol: Oh, never mind, Jan. here’s one, honey.

(She hands it to Marcia.)

Marcia: Thanks, Mom.

(She smiles. Next, they encounter a bird.)

Jan: Oh, look at that funny looking bird?

Cindy: What kind of a bird is it?

Alice (looking it up): Well, it says here it’s called a red-footed booby.

Carol (surprised): A red-footed booby.

(The bird squawks.)

Alice: Yeah, and it doesn’t look all too happy about it, either.

Jan: I’m gonna take a picture of it.

(She reaches to get her camera and again, almost gets bit by the spider.)

Marcia (taking her camera): No, I’ll take one of you and the bird.

(She takes her camera out and stands by the bird.)

Marcia: Smile, both of you.

(She takes the picture and the bird squawks again. They move on.)

Carol: Bye, bird.

(Meanwhile, the guys are hanging out on the beach with David. Guess Mandy decided to take off. Jan approaches them.)

Jan: Hi. (She hands it to Bobby) Here, Bobby.

Greg: Hey, the tiki.

Bobby: Where did you find it?

Jan: On the beach yesterday. I forgot to give it to you.

Bobby: Thanks, Jan.

Jan: You’re welcome. See you later.

Bobby (to David): I got my good luck piece back.

David: Good luck? Where did you get that?

Bobby: I found it. Isn’t it neat?

David: It’s tabu.

Peter: Tabu?

David: Yeah, it’s supposed to make all kinds of terrible things happen to you.

Greg: Like my wipeout yesterday.

David: Yeah. It’s just an old island superstition. I don’t believe in any of that tabu stuff.

Greg: Me either.

Peter: Me either.

Bobby (checking it over): Tabu?

(Next, Mike is back from work and ready to relax.)

Mike: Oh, man, this is really living. Home from work and time to take a swim.

Carol: Honey.

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: Did you happen to notice all the nice shops they have in the lobby?

Mike: Oh, yes.

Carol: Honey. (He stops) Did you notice any particular one?

Mike: You mean the one with the display case in the window with all the jays and crawls in it?

Carol (excited): That’s the one!

Mike: No, I didn’t notice that one.

(He heads to the bathroom to change into swimming attire.)

Carol: Uh, uh, Mike. (He stops) Next time you don’t notice it, don’t notice the beautiful little coral pin in the window.)

Mike: Okay, I won’t notice it.

(The spider crawls out of Jan’s bag and around. The boys are in their room talking out the tabu.)

Bobby: Do you think what David said was true?

Peter: How could a dumb piece of wood give you bad luck? Unless it hits you in the head.

Greg: Forget about it, Bobby. He said it was just an old superstition, didn’t he.

(Meanwhile, the spider crawls around their room.)

Bobby: Yeah, well, anyway, I don’t think I want it anymore.

Peter: That’s dumb.

Bobby: You want it?

Peter: Sure, why not. It would make a great souvenir.

Bobby: Okay, take it.

(He hands it to him. Peter puts it around his neck.)

Peter: Bad luck, come and get me.

Greg: Look you guys, I’m kind of bushed, so good night, okay.

(He puts the light out and the guys go to sleep. Meantime, the spider crawls onto Peter’s bed and right onto him. Peter wakes up and looks at it in terror. The scene fades.)

untitled bad luck come and get me

(The next scene has Peter waking up extremely terrified. Greg wakes up.)

Greg: Pete, knock it off.

Peter: G-g-g get off me, please get off me.

(Bobby wakes up.)

Greg: Get what off you?

(He turns the light on and noticed the spider and gets frightened.

Bobby: Wow. (He moves closer) Is that thing ugly! Yuck!

(Greg grabs a slipper to get it off Peter.)

Greg: Pete, don’t move.

Peter: I won’t move if he won’t move.

Greg: Lie still.

(He is about to seat the spider.)

Peter: Not on me.

Greg: I won’t. Try not to flinch.

(He moves the spider off Peter and to the floor. They all shout in fear until Mike comes in the room.)

Mike: Boys, hold it down to a dull roar.

Bobby: Look, it’s a monster.

Peter: It was right on top of me.

Greg: Dad, there’s a spider right down here.

Peter: Is it dead?

Mike: I don’t know. Maybe he’s only stunned.

(He takes his slipper off.)

Bobby: No, don’t squoosh him.

Peter: He could’ve killed me.

Mike: Oh, Peter, there aren’t really any poisonous spiders in Hawaii. He couldn’t have killed you.

Peter: Yeah he could, he almost scared me to death.

Mike: I’m gonna take him outside. Give me something to put him in. How about that sack.

(Greg grabs a sack and empties it.)

Mike: Give me something to scoop him up with.

Greg: Here, use this.

(He hands him a spoon. )

Greg: Bleah.

Bobby: He’s all hairy.

Mike: He’s an ugly looking dude, isn’t he. Listen, I better take him out of here before your mother sees him because she gets uptight when she sees a ladybug. Go to sleep.

Greg: Good night.

(He goes out into the hall and is met by Carol.)

Carol: Uh, hi, honey. What are you doing?

Mike: Uh, uh, nothing.

Carol: Nothing.

Mike: Yeah, that’s right. Nothing.

Carol: Oh, you are sneaky. Sneaky but sweet.

(She kissed him.)

Mike: What do you mean?

Carol: Were you gonna put that under my pillow?

Mike: What, what, under your pillow?

Carol: That (the bag), it’s the coral pin.

Mike: No, honey, it’s not the coral pin.

Carol: It’s not the Jay bracelet.

Mike: No it’s not the Jay bracelet.

Carol: Then it’s the coral pin.

Mike: No, it isn’t the coral pin.

Carol (getting excited): It is the coral pin. (She grabs the bag) Blah, it isnt the coral pin.

Mike: Told ya.

(Cut back to the boys room.)

Peter (taking the idol off): Here, I don’t want this anymore.

Bobby: Me either, that’s a bad luck charm.

Greg: Come on, you ding-a-lings, that idol’s got nothing to do with it.

Peter: Then here, you take it.

(He throws it at him and it hits him in the head.)

Greg: Ow!

Bobby: See, I told you it was bad luck.

(Next, David is showing the guys some other sites of the island.)

David: You see those deep freezes on the side of the full mountains?

Greg: Yeah.

David: Well, the old Islanders say those were made long ago. When the great war canooza Maya Maya were dragged from the mountains to the beaches.

Greg: Sounds kind of wild.

David: Yeah. But I told you before this whole island is full of those foolish stories and superstitions.

Peter: You mean like the idol we found.

David: Yeah. (Pause) Hey, you guys don’t really believe that jazz, do you?

Greg: Now look, David, a lot of goofy things have been happening since we got this thing. We’d like to find out a little more about it.

David: Well, the only one I know who might be able to tell you anything about it is old Me. Hanelei.

Greg: Mr. Hanelei?

David: Yeah, he believes in all that stuff.

 Peter: Can you tell us where he lives?

Bobby: We got to talk to him.

David: You know, I think you guys are all little wiped out but if that’s what you want, okay. (He takes a stick and points it at a map on the ground (here’s your hotel, right?

Greg: Yeah.

(Next, the guys are over to see Mr. Hanelei.

Hanelei: Yes, tabu, Very old, very evil. Bad things come to those who touch.

Bobby: Then we should throw it away?

Hanelei: No. Once you touch, tabu stay.

Peter: Then there’s no way to get rid of the bad luck?

Hanelei: There’s only one way if you have the courage to take it back.

Greg: Back, back where?

Hanelei: To burial ground of ancient kings.

Bobby: Burial ground?

Hanelei: Tabu will be gone once you take it back.

Greg: Could you tell us a little more?

Hanelei: Long ago, before the great kamai ahia there was sacred burial place for island kings. To guard them, they make strong tabu.

Greg: This must be the tabu.

Hanelei: Yes. It was placed on burial place of first king.

Bobby: How did he get out?

Hanelei: Tabu stolen by bad warrior. Soon, he found dead. Evil comes to those who touch. It will always come, my children. Until idol is put back.

Greg: Do you know where this burial ground is?

Hanelei: When I was a little boy, my grandfather tell me away. He tell me never go there, I never go.

Greg: Can you tell us where it is?

Peter: We got to get rid of this thing.

Bobby: Please, Mr. Hanelei.

Hanelei: I will tell you.

(The next scene has the boys telling the parents about their newfound superstitious briefs. )

Bobby: Honest, Dad, it’s a real terrible tabu.

Carol: Oh, honey, that’s just a story from a superstitious old gentleman.

Peter: Then how do you explain all the awful things that have been happening to us since we found it?

Mike: Very simply. Coincidence. Greg gets wiped out by a wave, Alice hurts her back, a spider crawls across the room. Coincidence, that’s all. None of that happened because of some ancient tabu.

Carol: Of course. That little statue only has the power that you imagine it to have.

Mike: Sure. Take it home and show it to your friends, they’ll get a kick out of it.

(Mike and Carol leave the room and playfully slap Peter on the head.)

Bobby: What are we gonna do about it?

Greg: There’s only one thing to do, according to Mr. Hanelei. Take it back to the burial ground.

Bobby: That sounds kinda spooky.

Peter: Besides, Mom and Dad will never let us go.

Greg: No. Not if they knew about it.

(Next, Greg tells the girls about their plan.

Marcia: A burial ground?

Cindy: With dead kings? Yuck!

Jan: Sh, Cindy, not so loud!

Marcia: We don’t want Mom and Dad to hear what Greg’s telling us.

Cindy: I don’t even want to hear what Greg’s telling us.

Greg: Tomorrow we’re gonna take a bus to the other side of the island. We want you to cover for us.

Jan: How?

Greg: If they ask, tell Mom and Dad we went sightseeing and that’s all you know. Okay?

Marcia: Okay.

(Jan and Cindy nod.)

Greg: Thanks.

Marcia: Greg, aren’t you and the boys afraid of going to a burial ground?

Greg: Yes, but we’re even more afraid of not going.

(He leaves. We next see the boys getting off the bus outside the burial ground. Bobby is eating popcorn. )

Greg: Okay, from what Mr. Hanelei said we go that way.

(He points.)

Peter: The bus driver thought were crazy for getting out here.

Bobby: Maybe the bus driver’s right.

Greg: Come on, we’ll stick together.

(They cross the street to enter the burial ground. They walk several feet but can’t find any tombs.)

Greg: This has to be the way.

Peter: I bet Mom and Dad are worried about us.

Bobby: Not as worried as I am.

Greg (frustrated): That burial ground has to be around here. I followed Mr. Hanelei’s directions to the letter.

Peter: Even if we find it, how are we gonna find our way out of here?

Bobby: Yeah.

Greg: Well, let’s leave a trail. (He notices Bobby’s popcorn) The popcorn, we’ll leave a trail of popcorn.

Bobby: Hey, I like my popcor

Peter: What do you like better? Your popcorn or your life?

(Greg takes the popcorn and throws it on the ground. Meanwhile, Carol and Mike are back at the hotel and Carol is starting to worry.)

Mike: Hi, sweetheart.

(He kisses her head.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Boy, that building is really beginning to take shape.

Carol: Oh, good.

(He notices her worried look.)

Mike: What’s the matter?

Carol: Well, it’s getting late and the boys aren’t back from sightseeing yet.

Mike: Well, they said they’d be gone all day.

Carol: I guess so.

Mike: Well, you know how time flies when you’re having fun.

(Cut back to the burial ground. The boys finally realize where they are.)

Greg: This is it, you guys.

Peter: If this is the burial ground, it sure is a great place for one.

Bobby: Why don’t we just put the idol down and get out of here.

Greg: Mr. Hanelei said we have to put it on the hidden burial place of first king.

Bobby: Won’t any old king do?

Greg: Hey look!

(They notice a cave right behind them.)

Peter: A cave.

Bobby: Mr. Hanelei didn’t say anything about a cave.

Greg: Maybe he didn’t know about it. Let’s take a look.

(He puts more popcorn on the ground as they make their entrance.)

Bobby: It looks kinda scary.

Greg: Hey, there’s a light. Maybe it’s a caretaker.

Peter: Yeah, maybe he’ll take care of us

Bobby: Let’s not go in there.

Greg: Come on, guys, maybe he can tell us about the first king.

(They go inside the cave. They are not aware that someone is following them. The scene fades.)

bad bird

(The final scene of this part of the episode has them wandering around the cave, trying to find the first king.)

Bobby: I think this part of the burial ground.

Peter: Well, it’s not the tunnel of love.

Greg: Sh, you guys. Hello, anybody here?

Bobby: Why don’t we just leave the idol here with a note.

Peter: And put on it, please return to first king.

Greg: There’s gotta be somebody here, let’s take a look down one of those passages. Stick close behind me.

(He turns around and Peter bumps into him.)

Peter: If we were any closer, we’d be in front of you.

(Meanwhile, the man following them is trailing then.)



images lurking

S4 E1 Hawaii Bound

untitled hawaii

Hawaii Bound

Written by Tam Spiva

Mike’s firm sends him to Hawaii to supervise the construction of a building he designed, while the family comes along for a vacation. Hope you enjoy the script.











DAVID, a construction worker

MR. HANELEI, another construction worker

Unnamed construction worker



(The episode begins with Mike coming home from work. He has a package in his hand. He puts it down on the table holding the horse and calls for Carol.)

Mike: Honey, I’m home.

Carol (coming out of the kitchen): Hi, sweetheart.

Mike: Hi, honey.

(She notices the package and picks it up.)

Carol: Ooh, what is it?

Mike: Do I even get a kiss first?

Carol: Okay. (She kisses him) Now what’s in the box/

(Peter comes by.)

Peter: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hi.

Peter: What’s in the box?

Mike: Oh, my gosh, it runs in the family. (Carol agrees) Listen, Peter, why don’t you get the rest of the kids because I got a surprise here for everybody.

Peter: Okay. (He yells) Greg, Marcia, Jan, Bobby, Cindy!

Mike: I said go get ‘Em, I know how to yell.

Peter: Okay, Dad.

Mike: Scoot.

(He runs up the stairs.)

Carol: Heya, Mike, while we’re waiting for the kids, what is it?

Mike (laughing): It’s a box with a ribbon on it.

Carol: Ooh, you are (pause) mean.

(The kids noisily rush down the stairs.)

Mike: You’ll never guess, you’ll never guess. (They start asking inquisitive questions) Listen, I’m gonna give you a hint. It has to do with water.

(The kids are understandably surprised. Greg wonders how they can put it in a box.)

Carol: Water? Oh well, one thing, it’s too little for a swimming pool.

Mike: Why don’t you go ahead and open it.

(All the kids pressure her to do so.)

Mike: You’ll never guess.

Carol (opening the box): It looks like airline tickets.

Mike: That’s because they are airline tickets.

Carol: For all of us?

(She and all the kids get excited at the prospect of them going on a trip. ike begins to explain.)

Mike: Mr. Philips asked me to check on the construction of a building I designed, you know.

Carol: Yeah, where?

(All the kids are demanding to know where.)

Mike: And all the kids are out of school and we’re gonna be on… (the family keeps noisily interrupting to ask where)  and to take the family along on company expense.

Carol: Mike! Where are we going?

Mike: Hawaii?

(Carol and the kids are super excited. Alice comes out to hear the commotion.)

Alice: Hey, what’s going on?

Carol: Alice, we’ll tell you later. Just yell!

(She does so and Bobby comes up to her and tell her the good news. The scene fades.)


(Next, the Bradys are on the plane about to land in Hawaii.)

Carol: Mike, I’ll send your boss a beautiful post card every day.

Mike: Honey, this is a business trip.

Carol: Okay, I’ll say having a terrible time. wish you were here.

(They laugh and the plane continues to get closer to landing.)

Greg: Look, Hawaii.

Cindy: How could they land such a big plane on such a little island?

Bobby: Hey, what’s that big lump down there?

Peter: That’s Diamond head, dumb head.

(They finally land at the airport.)

Jan: Honolulu, here we are.

(When they get off the plane, The Bradys are met by young ladies who put leis around and kiss them as a way to welcome them. Bobby makes a disgusted face after they kiss him and Peter ducks his kiss after they place the lei on him. When it was Greg’s turn, Mike stopped him.)

Mike: Uh, that’s enough.

(Mike gets the lei around his neck and a kiss.)

Alice (jokingly): I’m gonna tell Mrs. Brady on you.

(Now, it’s Alice’s turn and the rest of the family are walking to the shuttle. Alice stays there for multiple leis and kisses. Carol and Mike notice.)

Carol: Come on, Alice.

Mike: Come on.

(Cut to the construction site which Mike will be employing (Pikula Construction Company). A worker named David is preparing to leave.)

Worker: Hey, have a day?

(David shakes his head no.)

David: the boss wants me to pick up Mr. Brady at the airport.

Worker (to Mr. Hanalei): He gets all the tough jobs.

David: Aloha.

(Mr. Hanalei waves good-bye. We next see David driving the family to the hotel.)

David: Mr. Brady, my boss said you might want to some sightseeing over the weekend before you start work Monday. And, I’m available.

(The family starts to get excited.)

Mike: Oh, that sounds great to me.

Carol: Come on, let’s get started.

(We next see them getting back in the car with David. They drive around and then make a stop somewhere.)

Carol: Oh, look, isn’t this impressive?

Mike: What’s this place called again, David?

David: They call it Boohoooalakaka.

(They ask him to repeat it and they have a terrible time pronouncing it. He next shows them a statue of the first king of the island. He also points out other monuments and buildings.)

David: That’s a new modern state building in the background. And the old eon palace building in front of it. The only oil palace in the United States. Hey, let me take your picture in front of King Kamehahemaha. (They gather in front of the statue of the king.) You know, he was the first island chief to get all the islands under one rule, so he was our first king.

Cindy: I bet I know why he was king.

Jan: Why?

Cindy (pointing): Look how big he is.

David (taking his camera out): Okay, ready, smile, say belly button.

(They all say belly button and he takes their picture. They are next checking another landmark.)

David: I guess you can say how it got its names, the blowhole.

Mike: You might call it old faithful Hawaiian style.

(Peter and Bobby take pictures.)

Peter: Wow, that’s really neat.

Bobby: Yeah, it sure is. Did you get your picture?

Peter: Yeah, but I got it really blown and got us all wet.

Bobby: oh, you want to get wet, why didn’t you say so.

(He pulls out his water gun and sprays him in the face and laughs. Next, they are all on a rowboat and then exploring Pearl Harbor.)

Peter: Wow, look at it.

Alice: This is Pearl Harbor.

Jan: Is it ever big.

Marcia: Big? It’s enormous.

Peter: Hey, what’s that over there?

Bobby: Forget about that. Look over here.

Cindy: What’s that over there?

Jan: Look way down there.

Marcia: Yeah, what’s that?

Mike: Hey, hold it, hold it. One thing at a time.

Bobby: Yeah, pipe down. One thing at a time. Now, what’s that over there?

Carol: Bobby, now let’s all give David a chance to tell us about it.

David: Well, first of all, Pearl Harbor is the first naval installation in the Pacific. (He points out) See over there. Those are nuclear submarine being serviced. Every time an astronaut returns from the moon, the recovery ships come from this port.

Carol: Remember kids, we saw that on television. (They agree) Are those battleships?

David: Over there? Those are destroyers. Guidance missile destroyers.

Mike: Those ships carry missiles on the stern.

David: Yeah, right in back of the stern. See there, those are missiles. Over there starts battleship row. (They move towards another site) And up ahead is the Arizona Memorial.

(They are next on top of the memorial.)

Peter: Gee, it’s something seeing the Arizona right underneath us.

Mike: Yeah, even though it’s no longer a commissioned ship, the navy granted special permission to fly the American flag over it.

Bobby: You mean, like,  she was still afloat?

Mike: Yeah. (They are checking other things on the memorial) You see how this is constructed. It’s low in the center, higher on the ends? That’s symbolic of the ultimate victory. Look over here at the base of this flagpole. (They walk over) You see this plaque?(He reads) Dedicated to the eternal memory of our gallant shipmates in the U.S.S. Arizona who gave their lives their action 7 December 1941. From today on, the U.S.S. Arizona will again fly our country’s flag just as proudly as she did on the morning of 7 December, 1941.

(Next, the Bradys are in the boat with David.)

Carol: Oh, I must say, Pearl Harbor sure is impressive, isn’t it.

David: You know, there’s as tory about Pearl harbor that most don’t know.

Marcia: What kind of story?

David: Well, way back when they started to build all this, an old island chief warned them about it. See, the islanders believe this was owned by the shark queen god.

Peter: Shark queen god?

David (nodding): One of the strongest of the island gods. The chief told them this place was tabu, and if they built here, evil things would happen.

Jan: What kind of evil things?

David: Well, when they finished building the first side dock, it collapsed and sank into the sea. No one could ever explain how it happened.

Bobby: Wow. then what?

David: Then they started building again, and the chief warned them again.

Cindy: Did they listen to him this time?

David (shaking his head): Nope, nothing happened, until the attack of 1941.

Mike: Well, I hardly think that has anything to do with the tabu, kids.

David: Neither do I, Mr. brady, but you know, some of these old islanders are pretty superstitious.

(Meanwhile, Mr. Hanalei and the other construction worker are working and they find the tabu idol.)

Worker: Hey, look what I dug up.

(He tries to pick up with Hanalei stops him.)

Hanelei: No, do not touch.

Worker: Why not?

Hanelei: Tabu. Tabu idol, very strong, bring evil to all who touch.

Worker: Come on, brother, that’s just an old island superstition.

Hanelei: Do as I say.

Worker: Are you kidding me?

Hanelei: Do not touch, or it will bring evil.

Worker: Okay, old man, we’ll get rid of it. (He uses his shovel and moves it away) You satisfied now?

Hanelei: Someday you learn respect, respect, for island tabu.

(Next, David drives the family to the Kipula construction site to show Mike where he will be working.)

David: That’s the boss’s office over there, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Well, I just wanna check on a couple of things. I’ll be right back.

(Peter and Bobby come up to him.)

Peter: Dad, can we take a look around?

Mike: Okay, but don’t go far because I’m not gonna be gone long, okay.

Bobby: Come on, let’s see what they’re doing.

Greg: Hey, Dave, maybe you and I can get together a little later and check out some of the more important sites, like bikinis.

Dave: Hey, right on. Come down to the beach tomorrow, you can look while I judge a surfing contest for some of my buddies.

Greg: You know, I do some surfing. Suppose I can get in the contest?

David: You’re in. But you gotta watch out, we got some pretty big surf over here and you gotta keep your eyes on the waves, not the bikinis.

(While Bobby and Cindy are looking around the construction site, Bobby finds the tabu from earlier.)

Bobby: Hey, Pete, look what I found. (Peter runs over) It’s real old.

Peter: It sure is ugly. You know who it reminds me of.

Bobby: Who?

Peter: You.

(He runs.)

Bobby: You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna put a string around it, and wear it around my neck for good luck.

(The scene fades.)

untitled sweet someone

(The next scene has Bobby and Cindy sitting down whole Bobby tries to play a ukulele, albeit without much luck.)

Bobby: Does this sound right to you?

Cindy: If you’re trying to make a terrible sound, it sounds right.

(He tries playing more, but no better. Don Ho and Sam Kapu, come over to him.)

Don: Hi, there.

Bobby: Hi.

Don: You have a little trouble with that, aren’t you.

Bobby: I sure am. Could you play one.

(He hands it to him.)

Don: I think I remember. Thanks.

(He plays and does a super job.)

Cindy: You’re a lot better than Bobby.

Don: Thanks again.

Bobby: Can you sing something for us?

Don: Sure. Stan, lend me your tonsil.

Stanley: Sure. I’ll lend you both.

(They sing a song called Sweet Someone. Bobby and Cindy applaud when they’re finished.)

Cindy: You guys sure do sing good.

Bobby: Like real singers.

Don: Who knows, maybe some day we turn professional.

Bobby: Hey, I know who you are! (to Cindy) No wonder he sings so good, he’s Don Ho.

Cindy: Don who?

Don: Don Ho. This is Sam Kapu, and he and I sing at the Polynesian Palace together.

Sam: Welcome to the island.

Bobby and Cindy: Thanks.

Don: Thanks, kids, see you later.

(They start to leave.)

Bobby: Wait, wait, can we have your autogrtaph?

Don: Sure.

Cindy: Yours too, Mr. Kapu.

Don: What are your names?

Cindy: Bobby and Cindy Brady.

Don: Let me take a wild guess, (looking at Cindy) you’re Cindy.

Cindy: Right.

(They all say aloha and Don and Sam walk away.)

Bobby (looking at his idol): Boy, we never would’ve met them if it hadn’t been for my good luck charm.

(He sits down, unknowingly, on his ukulele and it breaks.)

(The next scene has Mike and Carol having a drink in the hotel bar.)

Mike: That was a good show tonight.

Carol: I know, it was wonderful.

Mike: Yeah, Don Ho has a great act.

Carol: How would you know? You never took your eyes off the hula girl.

Mike: I barely noticed her.

Carol: Oh yeah, your eyeballs were going back and forth twice as fast as their hips.

(She and Mike laugh.)

Mike: Well, it’s been a great trip so far.

Carol: So far it’s been a perfect vacation.

(They kiss. We next see the boys in their room.)

Greg: Okay, let’s hit the sack. I got a big day tomorrow in that surfing contest.

Peter: Boy, are you gonna get wiped out.

Bobby: Yeah, over here the guys can surf before they can walk.

Greg: There happen to be great surfers all over the world. Back home too.

Peter: We knew that, we just didn’t know you were one of them.

(He and Bobby laugh. Greg throws a pillow at them and a heavy decoration falls off the wall and almost hits Bobby.)

Greg: Gee, I’m sorry, Bobby.

Peter: Boy, that almost hit you on the head. You could’ve been hurt.

Bobby: I know. It’s a good thing I have my good luck charm with me.

(The next morning, the boys are ready to head down to the beach.)

Greg: come on, you guys. I wanna rent a board and get some surfing in before the contest.

Peter: Aren’t the girls coming?

Greg: No, they’re going to a hula lesson.

Bobby: Who needs a hula lesson to learn how to hula?

(He pretends to do the hula and his idol falls off his neck.)

Greg: Come on, squibble lips.

(bobby leaves without realizing he dropped it. Carol, Alice and the girls come out in hula skirts.)

Carol: come on, everybody, we don’t wanna miss our hula lesson.

Alice: Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Something wrong. I don’t seem to have enough grass for the backyard.

(They laugh.)

Cindy: I think I have yours, Alice.

Alice: I think you do too.

Carol: Okay kids, come on everybody, out you go.

(Alice finds the idol.)

Alice: Hey, isn’t this Bobby’s little statue?

Carol: Yeah, I guess he dropped it when they went to the beach.

Alice: Well, I’ll keep it for him.

(She puts it around her neck and is wearing it during the hula lesson.)

Carol: Alice, now you take it easy.

Alice: Yes ma’am. Oh, I feel it. I feel it. Yeah.

(They all copy the instructor.)

Alice: I’m getting it, I’m getting it. (Her back starts to go out) I got it. (Alice can’t move) Uhh, help! I think I really got it. I can’t move.

Carol: Alice, what is it?

Alice: Uhh, it’s my hula, Mrs. Brady. My hu went one way and my la went the other. Anyone care to lend a helping hula hand.

Carol (to the instructor): We’ll be right back.

(She and the girls take Alice to get her help. After, a woman gets out of the water while the contest is about to begin.)

David (to the contestants): Okay, we’ll keep it simple. You have a half hour. I judge you on your best ride. Okay? Let’s go.

Greg: David, after the contest, the bikinis?

David: Listen, maharini, you just pay attention to the waves.

Greg: I’ll try, but it’s hard, brother.

Bobby (to Peter): What was all that about the bikinis?

Peter: You’ll learn. Boy, will you learn.

(Greg races over to the family.)

Greg: Well, here goes. Wish me luck.

(They give their best wishes.)

Alice: Oh, Bobby, speaking of luck, look what I found.

(He gives him the idol.)

Bobby: Thanks, Alice, I thought it was gone forever! (He runs to Greg) hey, Greg, Greg, wait! (He puts it around Greg’s neck) Here, it will bring you luck.

Greg: Thanks, I’ll take all I can get.

(He joins the other contestants. David waves the flag for them to begin. Greg is doing a great job so far.)

Carol: There goes Greg.

Peter: Wow, look at that big wave. Watch it, Greg.

(Greg seems to get wiped out but comes out, retrieves his surfboard and continues.)

Alice (to Marcia): You think you can do that?

Marcia: No.

(Greg continues to the amazement of the family.)

Carol (to Mike): Oh, I wonder how they stay on those things.

Peter: here comes Greg.

(Greg passes another wave.)

Peter: Wow, Greg’s doing great.

Bobby: Naturally, he has my good luck charm.

(Suddenly, Greg misses a wave and gets wiped out. He falls in the water. His family watches in horror.)

Bobby: Where is he?

Peter: I don’t know, I can’t see him.

Jan: No.

Cindy: oh, no.

(We see Greg’s surfboard afloat as the scene fades.)

untitled hula

(The final scene has Mike running into the water to find Greg. The rest of the family is right behind him.)

Mike: Greg, Greg!

Carol: Mike, where is he? She should’ve come up by now!

Mike: Keep looking for him!

(They continue their search at the cliffhanger of this part of the episode.)

                             END OF PART 1

images surfin' USA


S3 E23 The Fender Benders

untitled small tiny minor

The Fender Benders

Written by David P. Harmon

Carol has a minor accident with her car which eventually lands her in court. Hope you enjoy the script.












EDDIE, Greg’s friend (voice only)

(The episode begins with Carol driving her car home. She and Marcia get out of the car with Bobby and Cindy when they arrive home.)

Bobby: Boy, wait till Dad finds out. Is he gonna be mad.

(He takes a bag from Marcia to bring inside.)

Cindy: I’m gonna finish my homework fast so I can watch.

Bobby: Me too.

Marcia (taking another bag): Mom, are you gonna tell Dad before dinner or after?

Carol: You kids are making a big deal over nothing. Your father is not gonna be upset over something so, so minor.

(Before walking in the house, Carol takes a look at the dented fender on the car, courteousy of another driver at the store. The scene fades.)

untitled mr. duggins

(The next scene has Carol in the kitchen helping Alice cook dinner.)

Alice: Mr. Brady ought to be home any minute, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: I guess so.

Alice: I sure wish there was some way I can help you soften the blow.

Carol: Alice, you’re as bad as the kids. Now, Mr. Brady is not gonna be upset.

Alice: Well, I hope not.

Carol (laughing): After all, it was just a little accident. Just a dented fender. It wasn’t even my fault.

Alice: Have you thought about how you’re gonna break the news?

Carol: Oh yeah, I’ll just say, hi honey, how was your day? He’ll say fine, how was yours? I’ll say, oh, terrific, just a slight mishap with the car. Then he’ll say…

(Her words are cut by the sound of him coming in the door.)

Alice: I wonder what he’ll say right now. Mr. Brady just got home.

Carol (sheepishly): Mike.

Mike: Hi, honey.

Mike: How was your day?

Mike: Oh, great.

Carol (to Alice): How do I look?

Alice: Like a turkey on Thanksgiving.

(Carol pats Alice’s shoulder then goes out to the living room to greet Mike. She has a celery stick in her hand.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart.

(He kisses her.)

Carol: How was everything at the office?

Mike: Fine. How was your day today?

Carol: Oh, just great. I confirmed your golf date on Sunday.

Mike: Thank you.

Carol: And, I found a button that matches your sweater and I sewed it on. And, I put a new light bulb in your den. And, I picked up your cleaning. And, I made your favorite chicken dumplings for dinner.

Mike (suspicious): Honey.

Carol: Yeah.

Mike: What went wrong today?

Carol: Oh, well, now that you mention it, there was one small tiny minor problem.

Mike: Small tiny minor.

Carol: I knew you’d see it that way.

Mike: See it what way?

(Greg comes in.)

Greg: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Who banged up the car?

Mike (serious): Who banged up what?

Greg: Oops.

Mike: Well, better have a look at the small, tiny, minor.

(He goes outside to inspect the damage.)

Carol (to Greg): Thanks a lot, big mouth.

(She puts the celery in his mouth, then joins Mike outside.)

Mike (checking the fender): Well, uh, it’s no big thing, but it’s not exactly small tiny minor either.

Carol: Well, honey, it wasn’t my fault. I was just at the parking lot at the supermarket and…

Mike: What happened?

Carol: Well, we got in the car and we fastened our seat belts. And then I carefully looked out the back window to make sure everything was clear. Then I started to back out. then, then this man across the aisle, he started to back right out.

Mike: Then he ran into you.

Carol: Exactly. He hit me. Well, uh, he didn’t even look back. He just, he just barreled right out of that parking lot.

Mike: Listen, what about the damage to his car.

Carol: About the same as mine, dented fender.

Mike: Well, I’m glad nobody was hurt.

Carol: Me too. Well, we exchanged names and addresses and we decided to fix our own cars instead of making a big thing out of it.

Mike: Well, it would’ve been wiser to report it, but as long as you both agreed.

(Peter and Jan come home on their bikes.)

Peter: Hi, Mom. Hi, dad.

Carol: Hi.

Mike: Hello, kids.

Jan: Hi.

(They notice the broken fender.)

Peter: Wow, I bet Greg’s really gonna get it for that.

Jan: What a dumb thing to do.

Mike: Greg didn’t do it.

Carol: And it wasn’t so dumb, either.

Mike: Hey, you kids better get ready for dinner. Your mom has made chicken dumplings for dinner tonight.

Jan; Chicken and dumplings?

Peter (laughing) That means Mom wrecked the car.

(Mike laughs and Carol elbows him right in the stomach.)

Mike: Oh, listen, that’s where I’m gonna put my dumpling.

Carol: I’ll give you a dumpling.

(Next, Greg is on the phone with his friend, Eddie.)

Greg: Listen Eddie, we have a problem about tonight. I’m without wheels?

Eddie: How come?

Greg: My mom got in an accident with her car and smashed the tail light. My folks are gonna use my dad’s car. How about you driving us?

Eddie: No chance.

Greg: How about Dave?

(Meanwhile, Marcia and Jan are in the living room. they are looking at a magazine.)

Marcia: I just love those jeans.

Jan: That’s the kind that waits your tie.

Marcia: Yeah, perfect.

Jan: Yeah, perfect. They don’t say where you can buy them here.

Marcia: Sandy has a pair, I can ask her.

Jan: Why don’t you call her.

Marcia: Okay.

(They go over to the phone and Marcia hears the conversation between Greg and Eddie.)

Eddie: No offense to your mother, but woman are dumb drivers. 

Marcia: (annoyed): What do you mean women are dumb drivers?

Greg: Who is that?

Jan: Who are you talking to?

Eddie: Who’s on the phone, Greg?

Greg: Sounded like Marcia.

Marcia: It’s Marcia all right, and men are even dumber drivers.

Jan: Who are you talking to?

Eddie: No one’s dumber than a woman driver?

Marcia: Are you listening, Eddie?

Eddie: Yeah.

Marcia: Well listen to this!

(She slams down the phone, to Greg’s chagrin. Then she storms out to the family room.)

Jan: Who’s Eddie? And how come you hung up on Eddie after you told him to listen?

Eddie: Listen, Eddie, I’m sure we can get this… (Marcia comes up to him) Hang on a minute.

Marcia: For the record, that accident was not Mom’s fault. It was that dumb man driver’s fault!

(She goes back tot he living room. Greg gets back on the phone.)

Greg: That was my sister, Eddie.

Eddie: Which one?

Greg: the one you said you wanted to ask for a date.

(Eddie hangs up.)

Greg: Eddie, hello, hello, Eddie.

(The next scene has Mike and Carol preparing to go out for the evening when the doorbell rings.)

Mike (calling): Carol! Come on, honey. We’re gonna be late!

Carol: Coming honey.

(Mike answers the door and it’s Mr. Duggins.)

Duggins: Mr. Brady.

Mike: Yeah.

Duggins: I’m Harry Duggins. (He walks in) I’m the fellow who had the accident with your wife this afternoon.

Mike: Yeah, well, come on in.

Duggins (checking the house out): Thank you. Oh my, you have a lovely place here.

Mike: Thank you.

Duggins: Oh, did I catch you at a bad time?

Mike: Well, my wife and I are going out, yeah.

Duggins: I see, well, this won’t take a minute. I mean, you and I can settle this man to man if you know what I mean.

Mike: No, I don’t know what you mean.

Duggins: Well, you know, women drivers.

(Carol comes into the living room.)

Carol: Women drivers?

Duggins: Oh, good evening, Mrs. Brady. This won’t take a second. I borrowed a car from a friend to get out here and I got to get it right back to him. You see, my car had to be towed from the scene of the accident to the shop.

Mike: Well, my wife told me there wasn’t much damage done to your car.

Duggins: Well, as a matter of fact, she banged up my car pretty bad.

Carol (surprised): Pretty bad?

Duggins: Yes, in fact, (He takes a piece of paper out of his coat pocket) I have an itemized list of the damage done to my car and what it will cost Mrs. Brady to fix it.

Carol (upset): Cost me to fix it? But we both agreed to fix our own cars.

Duggins: Why should I agree to a thing like that? The accident wasn’t my fault.

Carol: Well, it certainly wasn’t my fault.

Duggins: Well, I think you should hear my side of the story, Mr. Brady.

Carol: But I already told Mr. Brady everything.

Mike: What is your side, Mr. Duggins?

Duggins: Well, you see, I was doing some heavy marketing for my wife. Being a woman, she’s a little frail.

Carol: Excuse me, Mr. Duggins. Frail is one thing that I’m not.

Duggins: Well, I’d like to get in my side of the story without any interruptions.

Mike: Get on with it, Mr. Duggins.

(Bobby and Cindy are watching from upstairs, at the top of the staircase.)

Duggins: Well, I got my car started the engine and I checked my rear window and saw it was clear and I decided to back out slowly when, all of a sudden, she started screaming out of her parking place and banged right into me. Obviously, she didn’t look back.

Carol (defensive): Mike, he couldn’t have looked back because I was moving first!

Duggins (to Carol): Oh no, you didn’t look back because I was moving first!

Mike: All right, okay, this part is a standoff. As long as there was the same amount of damage done to your cars…

Duggins (interrupting): Same amount of damage, are you kidding? Here. (He hands the list to Mike) Read this.

Mike (reading): Smashed rear light, crushed fender, replace muffler, replace duster. (a little louder) Realign the frame! How much?

Duggins: $295.11. Of course, there are some other minor things that I don’t mind taking care of myself.

Carol (shouting sarcastically): What? Refurnishing your house? Mike, this just isn’t true.

Duggins: Mrs. Brady, are you suggesting that I am lying?

Carol: And very badly, too.

Duggins: Well, Mrs. Brady, you’re gonna have to believe one of our stories, and I guess it will be hers. See who wears the pants in this family.

Mike (firmly): Mr. Duggins, I think you better leave before I toss you out on the seat of yours.

Duggins: Sir, are you threatening me with bodily harm?

Mike: Yes. (pointing his thumb to the door) Out!

(Mr. Duggins starts to leave then turns around.)

Duggins (angry): You haven’t heard the last of this, I’m gonna sue you. I’ll see you in court!

Carol (yelling): My pleasure!

(He leaves.)

Carol: Of all the nerve. That, that chiseler!

Mike: He’s obviously trying to using the accident to get a whole lot of other repairs done to his car.

(Bobby and Cindy come down the stairs.)

Carol: Mike, you really think he means it about taking me to court?

Mike: Yeah, I think he means it, all right.

(Bobby and Cindy approach their parents.)

Bobby: Mom, Dad, can we talk to you for a second?

Cindy: We heard what you said.

Bobby: Do we have to go to court too?

Mike: Uh, uh, yea, you might.

Carol: Oh, Mike, you don’t really think they might have to go to court, do you?

Mike: Honey, they were witnesses. That’s perfectly legal.

Cindy: Oh, no.

Carol: Honey, there’s nothing to be afraid of. All you have to do is tell the truth.

Bobby: We do?

Mike: Of course, especially in court.

Cindy: The exact truth?

Mike: Say listen, what’s going on here?

Bobby: Well, before you go to court, I think you oughtta know something.

Mike: What?

Bobby: Well, maybe the accident was Mom’s fault.

Carol (astonished): My fault?

Cindy: We didn’t see you look back. Like the man said.

Mike: Are you sure?

Bobby (nodding): We’re sure, Dad. Sorry, Mom.

Mike: Look you two, run on upstairs and go to bed. it’s your bedtime. Okay. (They walk off) Say good night.

Bobby and Cindy: Good night.

Carol (embarrassed): Gee Mike, I don’t know what to say.

Mike: Honey, now listen. Are you sure you looked before you, now, wait a minute, maybe you think you did.

Carol (insistent): Honey, I am positive I looked back!

Mike: Then, how do you explain the kids?

Carol: I can’t. Mike, what am I gonna do? Mr. Duggins is gonna take me to court and my own kids are gonna hafta testify against me.

untitled court

(The next scene has Carol and Mike in their bedroom later that night. They are discussing the matter a little further.)

Carol: Those poor kids, they must be terribly upset.

Mike: Yeah, especially since we always told them to be truthful.

(Carol sits down and starts to brush her hair.)

Carol: Well, I guess there’s only one thing to do. That’s give that Mr. Duggins his $295.

Mike: And 11 cents.

Carol: And 11 cents. But we just couldn’t put the kids through that. Making them appear in court.

Mike: Well, I agree. It’s pretty bad having your own kids testifying against you.

Carol: Well, it wouldn’t exactly make the P.T.A. nominate me mother of the year.

Mike (taking his shirt off): Well, I’ll tell the kids in the morning. Be delighted.

Carol: Do you know what makes me absolutely furious? That Duggins is gonna think I’m finally admitting that I was lying.

Mike: Oh, honey. Don’t think about it. Just forget all about it. (he kisses her) And hope you never see him again.

(He heads to the bathroom.)

Carol: Mike. (Mike stops) you don’t think I’m lying, do you?

Mike: No.

(He heads toward the bathroom again.)

Carol: Mike. (He stops again) You do believe me, don’t you?

Mike: Of course I do.

(He tries again for the bathroom.)

Carol: Mike. (He stops once again) You’re not just saying that because you’re my husband, are you?

Mike: No, sweetheart, I’m not.

(He goes again but stops intentionally. She turns around.)

Carol: What’s the matter?

Mike: I was waiting for you to stop me again.

(Meanwhile, Bobby is in the bathroom and Peter knocks on the door.)

Bobby (calling): Go away!

Peter: Come on, I gotta brush my teeth too, you little creep.

Greg: Will you stop calling Bobby a creep?

Peter: How about Benedict Arnold?

Greg: Look, Bobby’s no traitor. He’s in a bind.

Peter: Well, he shouldn’t testify against his own mother.

Greg: What else can he do?

Peter: Lots of things.

Greg: Like what?

Peter; Well, maybe he can run away from home.

(He shouts that at the door for Bobby to hear.)

Bobby: Leave me alone!

Greg: Go to sleep.

Peter: Might as well, he won’t let me in there.

Greg: Good night.

Peter: Good night. (He heads toward his bed then yells toward the door) Good night, creep!

(Greg throws a pillow at him.)

Peter: Good, I have two pillows now.

(He puts it under his head. We next see Marcia exits the bathroom and sees Cindy wide awake.)

Marcia: Come on, Cindy, you should be sleeping.

Cindy (glumly): I know.

Jan: What’s the matter?

Cindy: I guess I should tell you. Bobby and I got Mom in trouble?

Marcia: What are you talking about?

Cindy: The man Mom had an accident with is gonna sue her?

Marcia: Sue Mom?

Cindy: And Bobby and I have to be witnesses in court, because we were in the car.

Marcia: Then I guess I’ll have to be a witness too.

Jan: How did you and Bobby get Mom in trouble?

Cindy: Because we said it was Mom’s fault.

Marcia (surprised): Mom’s fault?

Cindy: Uh huh. What am I gonna do?

Marcia: For one thing, get glasses.

(She leaves the room and goes to see Mike and Carol, who are in bed reading.)

Mike: Honey, there’s no use in stewing about it all night.

Carol: I’m not stewing, I’m reading.

Mike: Sweetheart, you have been on page 124 for 30 minutes. That’s not reading, that’s stewing. (Marcia knocks) Come in.

Marcia (entering): Mom, I just heard that man is going to sue you over the accident.

Carol: Well he was honey, but, we’re not going to court.

Marcia (surprised): Why not?

Mike: Well, sweetheart, it’s a little complicated.

Marcia: Well, if it’s because of Bobby and Cindy, they’re wrong. It wasn’t Mom’s fault.

Mike: Were you in the car too?

Marcia: Yes, I saw Mom look back.

Mike: Well, now, wait a minute, how could four of you have been in the car and two of you see one thing and two of you see the other?

Marcia: I don’t know. Is there something we can do, Dad?

Mike: Yeah, I can get an ice bag. (He gets up) I wasn’t in the accident, but I’m getting  a headache.

(The next morning, Cindy is still upset as she has breakfast with Alice in the kitchen with her.)

Alice: Come on, honey, cheer up. Your folks will figure a way out of this somehow.

Cindy: But what if they don’t? And Bobby and I will have to go to court.

Alice: Well, maybe not.

Cindy: Where the judge swears at you.

Alice: No, sweetie, the judge swears you in.

Cindy: It sounds just as bad.

Alice: Well, it’s not just as bad. (She sits down with her) Look, I’ve never been in court myself but I’m what you might call an amateur expert anyway?

Cindy: How come?

Alice: From watching television. I’ve learned a lot from the Bold Ones, Owen Marshall and I expect to pass the bar on the Perry Mason reruns.

Cindy: You mean, court is just like it is on TV?

Alice: Pretty much. The judge walks in, and you stand up. When he stands, you stand, and when he sits, you sit.

Cindy: Sounds like follow the leader.

Alice: Well, sort of. And then, when he calls your name, you become a witness, and you sit in the witness chair.

Cindy: Is that where I have to tell the truth?

Alice: Yep, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Cindy: Alice, if I don’t sit in the chair, can I fib a little?

Alice: Sweetie, I don’t think your mother would want you to do that?

Cindy: But if Bobby and I tell the truth, she’ll lose, and go to jail for years and years.

Alice: Honey, this is just small claims court. There’s no jury, your mother’s not gonna have to go to jail no matter what you say. The judge just listens to both sides, and he decides which one is…

(Mike and Carol come out.)

Mike: Cindy, when you finish breakfast, get Bobby. I want you both to come out in the backyard.

Cindy: I’m finished.

Carol: Come on, Marcia, honey.

Alice: What’s up, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: We’re gonna find out why four people in the same car didn’t see the same thing, the same way.

Alice: How?

Carol: Mr. Brady is gonna restage the scene of the crime. Come on.

(They all head outside. Carol, Marcia, Bobby and Cindy are in the car while Greg is in the other car, pretending to be Mr. Duggins.)

Mike: Okay, let’s go through this the way it happened at the supermarket. And remember, I said exactly.

Greg (from the other car): Where do you want the car, Dad?

Mike: Carol, is that about right?

Carol: Yeah, I think so.

Mike (calling): Okay, Greg, that’s okay. Now, you’re Mr. Duggins, and you start backing up when I tell you!

Greg: Right, Dad. Hey, Pete, you wanna ride along with me?

Peter: Nah, I don’t wanna ride with Mr. Duggins.

Jan: Neither do I.

Mike: Never mind that now, kids. Now, come on. Let’s get, let’s get started here. Now Carol, tell me everything you did exactly.

Carol: Okay, well, first, we got into the car and we fastened our seat belts. (to the kids) Right?

Marcia: Right.

Carol: Then, uh, then I started the motor. And I looked carefully behind me to make sure that everything was clear. And then I started to back out.

Bobby: That’s when we didn’t see you look back.

Mike (yelling): Start backing, Greg!

Greg: Okay, Dad.

Mike: And don’t stop until I tell you!

(Greg nods and Marcia remembers something.)

Marcia: Wait a  minute, that’s when you two were fighting about something.

Cindy: Oh, yeah. (to Bobby) You spilled ice cream all over me.

Mike: Okay kids, I said exactly. So you two, go ahead, fight.

Bobby (shouting): I did not spill it on you.

Cindy (yelling): You did too!

Bobby: I did not!

Cindy: You did!

Bobby: I didn’t.

Cindy: You did.

Mike: Wait a minute, I think we got something here.

(Peter notices Greg getting too close.)

Peter: Hey, hey, Dad.

Mike: Were you two arguing the whole time? (Peter comes up to him to warn him)  Peter, not now.

Peter: But, but, but, Dad.

Mike: Peter, (he sees Greg getting too close) Greg, stop!

(He stops suddenly, to everyone’s relief.)

Jan: We almost had another court case.

Alice: Yeah, Brady vs. Brady.

(They laugh.)

Mike: Bobby, Cindy, were you two arguing the whole time?

Cindy: Yeah, I think we were.

Mike: Well, if you were, then how do you know whether your mother looked back before the accident?

Bobby: Maybe she did look back but we didn’t see it.

Mike: Exactly. And it only takes a split second to miss something.

Cindy: Maybe we missed it.

Bobby: We’re sorry, Mom.

Carol: That’s okay, honey. You only said what you thought was the truth.

Alice: Well, Mr. Brady, you’re a regular Charlie Chan.

Mike (in Charlie Chan’s voice): Ah, honorable.

Carol (Mimicking him): Honorable wife, of honorable detective, hope honorable judge, just as clever.

(Next, They are down at court. Judge takes the file from the clerk.)

Judge: Next case is Duggins vs. Brady. Will the interested party please come forward?

(Carol, Marcia, Bobby and Cindy get up to approach the judge.)

Judge: Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Yes, your honor.

Judge: The defendant. (calling) Will Mr. Duggins please step forward. (He is not in the courtroom) Mrs. Brady, you may return to your seat. The court will grant Mr. Duggins 2 minutes grace.

(They return and Mr. Duggins shows up. He is wearing a neck brace.)

Marcia: Mom, Dad, look.

Carol (angry and to Mike): A neck brace? Do you believe that?

Mike: I’m surprised he doesn’t have both legs in a cast.

(Mr. Duggins approaches the judge.)

Judge: State your name please.

Duggins: Harry Duggins, sir. I’m sorry I’m late, your honor. But I was at the doctors with whiplash.

Judge: Yeah, it appears. The defendants will return please. (Carol and the kids return to the front bench) You understand I will hear both sides, and then the court will render a decision.

Carol: Yes, your honor.

Judge (to Duggins): Plaintiff first, you may use the blackboard.

Duggins: Well, it’s rather difficult, your honor. You see, I can hardly turn my head, but, I was parked (He uses the cars on the board). I was parked here and (moving her car to a slanted position) she was parked, like that. I had just come from the market with my groceries. My wife usually does the shopping, but, the poor woman is bed ridden.

Judge: Just stick to what happened in the parking lot, Mr. Duggins.

Duggins: Yes sir, well I got into my car and I turned my head carefully and looked out the rear window. Of course, I can’t turn my head now, but, I looked and I saw it was clear, so I, started to back up very slowly, when, all of a sudden, she came barreling out of her parking space and, wham, bang, right into me. Of course, you know how women drivers are, your honor.

Judge: Whether the other driver is male or female, is not pertinent. Except maybe to his or her spouse.

Duggins: Oh, I understand, sir. I just meant…

Judge: Do you have anything to add? Have you any witnesses?

Duggins: No sir, I just have here (he reaches in his pocket for his list) an itemized list of the damages to my car. (He hands it to the judge) No thanks to her, I could’ve been banged up a lot worse than this. Of course I, can’t even turn my head.

Duggins: You made that abundantly clear. Mrs. Brady, it’s your turn. Carol (approaching the judge): Thank you.

(She gives Mr. Duggins a mean look and then proceeds.)

Carol: Your honor, I agree with Mr. Duggins on only one point. We were both parked. But I was the one who looked back to make sure everything as clear.  He couldn’t have, otherwise, he wouldn’t have hit me.

Duggins: No, you were the one who didn’t look out because you hit me.

Carol: Just a minute, Mr. Duggins.

Judge: Mr. Duggins, I believe you had your turn. (looking at the kids) Children, are you witnesses?

Marcia: Yes, your honor.

Duggins: I object, your honor. She probably told them what to say.

Judge: Mr. Duggins, the court does not need advice from you. (to the kids) State your named please.

Marcia: Marcia Brady.

Bobby: Robert Brady.

Cindy: Cynthia Brady, your honor.

Judge: Now, chldren,i, the story that your mother told about the accident in the parking lot, is that true? Did she turn around and carefully look before she backed up?

Marcia: Yes, your honor. I saw her look back.

Judge: Are you sure?

Marcia: Yes sir, I’m sure.

Bobby: But Cindy and I didn’t see her, your honor.

Cindy: He spilled ice cream on my dress.

Bobby: I did not.

Cindy: You did too.

Bobby: I did not.

Cindy: You did too.

Bobby: I did not.

Cindy: You did too.

Bobby: I did not.

(Carol shushes them.)

Judge: Be seated, children. (they sit) The court finds itself with two completely conflicting accounts of this accident. On the one hand, Mr. Duggins states categorically that he looked very carefully before he pulled his car out. On the other hand, Mrs. Brady contends the same thing. This leaves the court to settle the decision entirely on the testimony of both civilians.

(Mike throws his briefcase down, right behind Mr. Duggins. He gets startled and turns around very fast.)

Bobby: Hey, he turned his head.

Cindy: Yeah, he turned his head.

Duggins (defiantly): No, I didn’t. (to the judge) I, I just…

(He realizes he was caught.)

Judge: Mr. Duggins, it is the opinion of the court that your neck brace was an verged tempt to change the opinion of this court, therefore beclouding your testimony. I find in favor the defendant.

(He hits the desk with his gavel. Mr. Duggins gives a defeated look.)

Carol (to the judge): Thank you.

(Mr. Duggins goes up to the judge to retrieve the list.)

Marcia: That was really smart, Dad.

Mike (mimicking Chan): Honorable father uses honorable noodle.

Carol: Honorable mother most grateful.

(They kiss. Meanwhile, Mr. Duggins tears up his list. The family prepares to leave.)

Bobby: Dad, can we see the judge for a second?

Carol: What for?

Cindy: Maybe he can decide who spilt the ice cream?

(They exit the courtroom and the scene fades.)

untitled whiplash

(The final scene has Peter and Jan fighting over a candy bar.)

Peter: It’s mine!

Jan: It is not, it’s mine!

(Cindy comes by.)

Peter: Jan, let go.

Jan: I won’t. It’s my candy bar.

Peter: No, it’s not.

Jan: Yes it is.

Cindy: Let me settle this. I was just in court learning all about what’s really legal.

Peter: Okay by me.

Jan: Okay.

(Cindy takes the phone and use sit as a gavel.)

Cindy: The court will now come to order. Whatever Judge Brady says goes. Let me see the evidence.

(Peter and Jan begrudgingly show her the bar of candy.)

Cindy (to Peter): You say it’s yours and she says it’s hers, right?

Peter: It’s mine, I bought it yesterday.

Jan: It is not, it’s mine. I just bought it at the store.

Cindy: Hmm, very tough case, only one thing to do.

(She eats it and Peter and Jan chase after her.)

                                                  THE END

untitled turn his head

S3 E22 My Fair Opponent

untitled she's mad

My Fair Opponent

Written by Bernie Kahn

Marcia helps a friend who was nominated for senior banquet hostess. Then she has to run against her. I hope you enjoy the script.











MOLLY WEBER, Marcia’s friend

SUZANNE, another friend

MR. WATKINS, Marcia’s principal


(The episode begins with Marcia coming home in an angry mood. She kicks a basketball in her way and slams the back door shut. She sees Cindy writing have a nice day on the blackboard in the kitchen with a smiling face.)

Cindy: Hi, Marcia.

(She takes the piece of chalk from Cindy. Then she crosses out nice and turns the smile into a sad face. She sees Mike coming out of his den as she heads upstairs.)

Mike: Hi, honey. (she slaps the rail on the staircase as she walks up the stairs) Something wrong, huh, Marcia.

Marcia (seething): Ooh, there sure is! My senior class just played the dirtiest rick I ever heard of!

Mike: Oh yeah, what kind of trick.

Marcia: Well, the kids at school just (Pause) I’m so mad I can’t even talk about it!

(She storms to her room as the scene fades away.)

untitled molly

(Next, Marcia puts her books away and begins to sulk. Mike and Carol come in the room.)

Carol: Marcia.

Marcia: Yes?

Carol: Honey, I think you better tell us what this is all about.

Mike: What was the trick your senior class pulled?

Marcia: Well, (she sits down on her bed) this afternoon my class had nominations for the hostess for senior banquet night. They nominated two girls and one of them was Molly Weber.

Carol: And you think you deserved it?

Marcia: No, that’s not the point.

Mike: Well, then, what’s the matter?

Marcia: Molly’s the matter. Poor Molly, she’s really not that attractive, and she’s the shyest, the most (Pause) she’s completely wrong to be the banquet night hostess.

Carol: Then why did the kids nominate her?

Marcia: For a joke, a terrible joke. The other girl they nominated was Patty Hobart, the most popular girl in the class.

Mike: Well, does this girl Molly know it’s a joke?

Marcia: No, not yet. She was so thrilled to be nominated it went right over your head. And when the teacher’s selection committee interviews Patty and Molly for their choice, poor Molly, she’ll be sorry she was ever born.

Mike: Well, if you’re so upset about it, maybe you can think of a way to help her.

Carol: Right. You know, lots of people blow off steam about something they think is wrong, but very few people are willing to get involved and do something about it.

Marcia: I’m willing to get involved.

Mike: Then give it some thought, honey.

(They leave the room and Marcia begins to ponder. The next morning, Carol and Alice have the kids’ lunch bags ready.)

Carol: That’s it, Alice. 6 lunches.

Alice: And one corn beef sandwich left over.

Carol: Oh, don’t worry about it. We’ll recycle it tomorrow and use it for hash.

(Bobby, Cindy, Jan and Greg come out and take their lunch. They ask what it is and Carol tells them they’ll find out when they get to school.)

Alice: We need a crossing guard for the kitchen, Mrs. Brady.

(Marcia and Peter come out.)

Marcia: Mom, I’ve been thinking and thinking and I can’t think of a way to help Molly Weber.

Peter (grabbing his lunch): I know a way.

Marcia: What? Tell me.

Peter: Put a bag over her head, that’ll be a big help.

(He laughs.)

Carol: Peter, that’s not nice.

Marcia: I’m afraid that’s what all the kids think about Molly, Mom.

Carol: Well, honey, not everybody can be a raving beauty.

Alice: Right. Just ask my mirror.

Marcia: It’s not just her looks so much. It’s the way she talks and her shyness, and she’s so awkward. I just wish I could think of a way to make her more attractive to the Teachers Selection Committee.

Alice: Uh, that kind of magic only happens in the movies.

Marcia: Well, bye.

Carol: Bye.

(She gets an idea and turns around.)

Marcia: The movies! (She runs back to Carol and Alice) Hey, wait a minute, do you remember My Fair Lady? (Carol nods) Well, remember how Professor Higgins took the plain cockney flowered girl and changed her into a beautiful cultured lady?

Alice (glumly): Yes, I saw that picture four times.

Marcia: Well, maybe I can do that in real life!

Carol: Hey, maybe you could. Listen, there’s an article in one of my magazines about improving yourself. Maybe that would help.

Marcia: I’ll get started on that right away. I’ll bring her home after school.

Carol; Honey, don’t hurt her feelings, okay.

Marcia: Okay. I’ll ease into it. Bye.

(That afternoon, Marcia comes home with her friend Molly. Molly is very drab and wears oversized glasses and a plain dress.)

Marcia: Come on, Molly.

(The guys are playing basketball when she introduces her to them.)

Marcia: Here’s Molly.  (they get closer to them) Molly, I’d like you to meet my brothers. Greg and Bobby, and you know Peter.

Peter: Hi, Molly.

Bobby: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Marcia: We’re studying together.

Greg: That’s nice.

Marcia: Come on, Molly.

(They go inside.)

Peter: Didn’t I tell you she was a wipeout?

Greg: She’s not too bad looking.

Bobby: She isn’t too good-looking either.

(He grabs the ball and successfully takes a shot. Cindy and Jan see Marcia and Molly from inside the family room.)

Cindy (to Jan): Is that Molly Weber?

Jan: Yes, and remember, she’s very shy. So if you’re gonna say anything at all to her, say something nice.

Cindy: Okay.

Marcia: Hi.

Jan: Hi.

Marcia: Oh, Molly, you know Jan.

Jan: Hi, Molly.

9Molly pushes her glasses up.)

Molly: Hi.

Marcia: And this is my sister Cindy.

Cindy: Hello, Molly. so nice to meet you. We always like nice people to come visit us. That’s a very nice dress you’re wearing, and nice glasses too. You really look nice today, even though I never met you before.

(Jan gives an embarrassed look, as does Marcia. We next see Mike coming into the kitchen, where Carol is cooking dinner.)

Mike: Hey, honey, what smells so good? Pulled my nose right out of the den.

(He lifts the top off the pot Carol is cooking with.)

Carol: Ah, ah, ah, ah. That pot and that pot will just have to stew another hour.

(Marcia comes in the kitchen with Molly.)

Marcia: Hi, Mom, Hi, Dad. Molly, I’d like you to meet my parents.

Mike: Hi, Molly.

Carol: Hi, Molly.

Molly: Hi.

(She pulls her glasses up and doesn’t even look at them.)

Marcia: We’re going to do some homework together.

Carol: Would you care for a snack before you start, Molly?

Molly: No thank you, ma’am.

(Carol shrugs.)

Mike: Well, just make yourself at home.

Marcia: Come on, Molly.

(Molly walks by and accidentally knocks a pot of vegetables on the floor.)

Molly (scared): Oh, I’m so sorry!

Carol: Oh, honey, that’s okay.

(She reaches down to put them back in the pot.)

Molly: I mean, I really am sorry.

Marcia: But Molly, that can happen to anybody. Come on.

(They go up to Marcia’s room.)

Mike: That kid is afraid of her own shadow.

Carol: Yeah, I’m afraid Professor Marcia Higgins has her work cut out for her.

(Marcia and Molly are upstairs in her bedroom.)

Molly: I’m the clumsiest creature on Earth.

Marcia: I’ve done that millions of times.

Molly: I can’t imagine why the girls nominated me to be hostess at senior banquet.

Marcia (joyful): But they did, and I think that’s a terrific honor.

Molly: But I know I don’t have a chance to win.

Marcia: Now that’s the wrong attitude. You gotta be positive.

Molly: I am positive, positive I’m gonna lose. Sally Hobart is the most popular girl in the class.

Marcia: Well, I think you have a good chance, if you really care.

Molly: I do care. This is the biggest thing that ever happened in my life. But look at me.

(She puts her glasses up again.)

Marcia: Well, Molly, you can do lots of things to improve yourself, if you really try.

Molly: I could?

Marcia: Sure. For one thing, would you mind taking off your glasses?

(Molly takes them off and Marcia takes them.)

Marcia: You have beautiful eyes, but they’re hidden behind these glasses. You ever thought of wearing contact lenses?

Molly: Well, I’ve got some. But I figured what the use. It’s like trying to make a scarecrow in a beauty contest.

(She laughs.)

Marcia: Molly. there’s other things that you can do too that’ll really help.

Molly: You think so?

Marcia: Come on, by next Monday the kids at school are gonna see a brand new Molly.

Molly: I hope so, I sure will be glad to get rid of the old one.

(She bumps into the bed when they get up to leave the room. Next. they are in the family room with Marcia coaching Molly to be more graceful.)

Marcia: Hi, there.

Molly (quietly): Hi there, Marcia.

Marcia: Molly, you have to look at people when you talk to them? Once more, louder and smile. Be friendly.

Molly (louder): Hi there, Marcia.

Marcia: Well, that was better. Now, straighten your back. The key words are poise and dignity.

Molly: Poise and dignity.

Marcia: Right, so stand up straight and proud. (Molly stands a little straighter) That’s it, now chest out.

Molly: It is out.

Marcia: Okay. (She walks by) Hi there, Molly.

Molly (waving): Hi there, Marcia.

Marcia (smiling): Good.

(We next see Marcia give Molly lessons on how to walk straight, with a book on her head. Molly walks a few feet before the book falls off. Cut top the bedroom, where Marcia is helping Molly with her clothes, then in the bathroom doing Molly’s hair to a more desirable style. We next see Molly coming over with a brand new look. She looks beautiful and is wearing very nice clothes. The guys are out in the backyard working on a bicycle.)

Molly: Hi there.

Greg: Hi.

(They don’t recognize her but finally they look up and are surprised to see the new, improved Molly.)

Molly: How are you doing?

Greg: Molly?

Peter: Wow! You look great, nothing at all like you. I mean…

Molly: That’s okay. See ya.

(She goes inside.)

Peter: Did I say she was a wipeout?

Greg: You know, well, I just wiped her back in.

(Carol is putting dishes in the cupboard and Molly knocks.)

Carol: Who is it?

Molly: It’s me, Mrs. Brady, Molly.

Carol: Oh hi, honey, come on in.

(Molly opens the door and comes inside.)

Molly: Hi.

Carol (pleased); Molly, you look lovely!

Molly: Thanks, I’m supposed to meet Marcia here.

Carol: Oh, I’m sorry, honey, she isn’t home yet.

Molly: May I help you?

Carol (laughing): Well, be careful, now.

Molly: Don’t worry, I’m giving up clumsy.

Carol: I just can’t get over the change in you, Molly.

Molly: Thank you. It’s sort of a trial run for me. I’m going to school tomorrow for the first time as the new me.

Carol: Well, I’m sure all the kids in school are in for a big surprise.

Molly: And it’s all due to Marcia.

Carol: You can wait upstairs in her room if you’d like. Jan and Cindy are up there.

Molly: Thank you. (She starts to leave the kitchen and sees Alice) Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi. (She notices Molly) Molly? Molly!

Molly: Hi.

Carol: Well, Alice, what do you think of the preview of the new Molly?

Alice: Preview? That’s opening night.

Molly: Thanks, Alice.

(She heads for the staircase as Mike is coming down.)

Molly: Hi.

Mike: Hello. (He realizes it’s Molly) Molly?

Molly: Nice to see you again, Mr. Brady.

(She heads up the stairs)

Mike: Nice to see you too.

(Cut to the girls’ room, where Cindy is giving Jan’s hair a stroke.)

Cindy: Ninety.

Molly (coming in the room): Hi.

Jan: Hi. Wow, Molly, you’re all put together.

Molly: Marcia really did it all.

Cindy: I wish she’d do that for me.

Jan: When you’re ready.

Cindy: I’m ready, I’m ready!

(Marcia comes in.)

Marcia: Hi, sorry I’m late. (to Marcia and Jan) You guys get out, Molly and I have some work to do.

Jan: Okay.

(He gets up and she and Cindy leave. Cindy stops.)

Cindy: I’m really ready.

Marcia: Out!

(She leaves.)

Molly: What’s there left to do?

Marcia: Your speech for the selection committee.

Molly: You’re gonna help me with it?

Marcia: Right now.

Molly: Marcia, I really don’t know how to thank you. But I’ll pay you back someway.

Marcia: You can pay me back by being selected as hostess.

(The next day, Marcia comes home in a depressed mood.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Marcia: Hi.

Carol: Well (Pause) Come on and tell me, what happened at school today with Molly?

Marcia: Everybody thought Molly was a knockout.

Carol: Well you don’t seem very excited about it.

Marcia: Something else.

Carol: What?

Marcia: Well, Patty Hobart, the girl running against Molly had to drop out. Her folks are going on a vacation and she won’t be here for banquet night.

Carol: Well that’s terrific, then Molly will be the hostess.

Marcia: It doesn’t work like that. Now, the number three girl, the one who was nominated as the alternate, has to move up and compete against Molly.

Carol: Who’s that.

Marcia (pointing to herself): Meet number 3.

(The scene fades away.)

untitled new improved molly

(The next scene has Marcia and Carol discussing the matter in the living room. Marcia constantly interrupts Carol after she asks for her opinion.)

Marcia: what a dumb predicament. I go all out to help molly win, and now I have to run against her. What am I gonna do, Mom?

Carol: Well, I…

Marcia: I guess there’s only one thing I can do, drop out. If I happen to beat Molly, it would just crush her.

Carol: Well then, why don’t you…

Marcia: On the other hand, I’d just love to be hostess. It’s a big event.

Carol: Well, in that case…

Marcia: But I couldn’t do that to Molly, it means so much to her to be hostess.

Carol: Oh, well…

Marcia: But it means a lot to me too, you know. It’s quite an honor.

Carol: Oh, but…

Marcia: But I’d be miserable if I did that to Molly. I’m gonna drop out. I’ll tell her at school tomorrow.

Carol (patting Marcia’s knee): You do that.

Marcia: I feel much better now, thanks for all your help, Mom.

Carol: Oh, well, that’s what mothers are for.

(She reaches over and gives Marcia a hug. Marcia gets up.)

Marcia: Bye.

(Carol appears exhausted and confused. The next scene is at her school. Jan comes over to talk to her.)

Jan: Marcia, Marcia, you haven’t told Molly, have you? About your dropping out for hostess?

Marcia: No, I haven’t seen her yet?

Jan: Good, then I caught you in time.

Marcia: What do you mean?

Jan: The fantastic news. I was just in the principal’s office and I happened to overhear something. There’s gonna be a change in the guest of honor at your senior banquet night.

Marcia: You mean it’s not gonna be the principal.

Jan: No, it’s gonna be Colonel Dick Winfield, the astronaut.

Marcia (excited): Colonel Winfield! The one who’s going to the moon on one of those new missions? You’re kidding.

Jan: It’s true. He’s the most famous graduate of this school. He’s gonna be the guest of honor. Isn’t that fabulous?

Marcia: It’s terrible.

Jan: Terrible? Colonel Winfield is gonna escort the hostess on banquet night.

Marcia: That’s what makes it terrible. It won’t be me.

Jan: You mean you’re still gonna drop out?

Marcia: Jan, I can’t change my mind now. Not if I know what I’m doing is right. I’d be miserable.

Jan: Look, you’d be miserable if you weren’t the hostess too, won’t you?

Marcia: Jan, I just have to drop out.

Jan: Well, I hope you know what you’re doing.

Marcia: I do. It’s just harder now, that’s all.

(Next, Molly goes up to a classmate to say hello.)

Molly: Hi, Suzanne.

Suzanne: Hi Molly, it’s terrific the way you changed. We (she and her friends) were just talking about it.

Molly: Thanks. See you in class.

Suzanne: Bye.

(Marcia is sitting on a bench reading and Molly approaches her.)

Marcia (getting up): Hi, Molly.

Molly: Hi, Marcia. Like my new outfit?

(She turns around to show it all off.)

Marcia: It’s really pretty.

Molly: Everybody thinks so. Did you hear about the new guest of honor for banquet night? Isn’t that fantastic?

Marcia: Yeah. It’ll be a really exciting evening for you.

Molly: Well, the teachers haven’t made the final selection yet.

Marcia: Molly, I’m dropping out. (Molly gives her a surprised look) You see, I’m already on the yearbook committee and the graduation exercise committee and, I’ve just got so many things to do.

Molly: Oh, that’s too bad. You would’ve made it a close race.

(Marcia gets offended).

Marcia: What do you mean close race?

Molly: Well, it’s amazing how popular I’ve become. Now that I’ve changed my looks and personality. The whole school’s talking about me.

Marcia: Well, you did have a little help you know.

Molly: Marcia, it doesn’t make any difference how I got there. The point is that I’ve arrived.

Marcia (angry): Wow, I guess you bet you can beat me easy.

Molly: Why else would you drop out? You wouldn’t be too busy if you thought you could win and be escorted by an astronaut.

Marcia: Well, maybe I’m not too busy after all.

Molly: Then go ahead and try to beat me. (She sees another friend of hers) Hi, Sally, wait up.

(A furious Marcia storms away.)

Suzanne: Hi, Marcia, we just saw Molly…

(Marcia walks away and we cut to that evening. Greg is in his room studying and there’s a knock at the door.)

Greg: Come in.

(Jan comes in the room.)

Jan: Hi, Greg. Marcia’s working on a speech and she wants to know if she can borrow some paper.

Greg: Oh, sure. (He gets up and gets some from his desk) What’s the speech for?

Jan: Faculty selection committee. It’s one of the things they judge you on for banquet night hostess.

Greg: I thought she worked on Molly’s speech last week.

Jan: She did but this one’s for Marcia.

Greg: She said she was dropping out.

Jan: Well, she isn’t.

Greg: What changed her mind?

Jan: That monster she created. Molly’s body is normal but her head’s bigger than a basketball.

Greg: Well, that’s a female for you. (He hands Jan the paper) You know, you can’t trust one as far as you can throw an elephant.

Jan: Right.

Greg: They got the brains of a goony bird.

Jan: Right, hey, wait a minute, I’m one of them.

Greg: Yeah, uh, sisters are different.

Jan: Okay.

Greg: Tell Marcia good luck with the speech.

(Jan goes into her room and gives Marcia the paper.)

Jan: Here’s your paper, Marcia.

(Marcia throws away some crumbled paper she was using.)

Marcia: Thanks.

Jan: And Greg wishes you luck with the speech too.

Marcia: I’m gonna need it. I used all my best words for the speech I wrote for Molly.

(Next, Marcia goes into the family room to speak to Carol and Mike.)

Marcia: Mom, Dad, can you help me with something?

Carol: Sure, honey.

Mike: What’s that, sweetheart?

Marcia: Well, the faculty committee judges us on several things to be hostess. And for one thing, you have to dance the first dance with the host.

Carol: Well, that shouldn’t be any trouble for you, honey. You’re a good dancer.

Marcia: Yeah, but I dance like this. (She demonstrates a popular dance of her era) And at the banquet, with the principals and all the teachers there, well, we have to dance like when you were kids.

Mike: I think she means way back in the old days.

Carol: Speak for yourself, senior citizen.

Marcia: Can you show me how to waltz properly?

Mike (surprised0; Waltz?

Carol: Okay. (Marcia turns the radio on) I’ll teach you the waltz and your father can show you the minuets.

Mike: Oh, thank you from the bottom of my silk knee bridges.

(We hear the waltz on the radio and Mike gets up and reaches his hand to Carol. Alice comes in to watch.)

Mike: Shall we? (Carol gets up and they start to dance) 1,2,3. 1,2,3. 1,2,3.

Marcia: Hey, the waltz is really beautiful.

Mike: Sure, you bet your Loompa pa.

Alice: Oh, isn’t that nice? You two haven’t danced for a long time.

Carol: Yeah, how come you never take me dancing?

Mike (to Alice): You had to open your big mouth.

(Carol laughs and turns to Marcia.)

Carol: Now. it’s your turn, honey. Come on.

(Marcia dances with Mike, who repeats the 1,2,3, good, better, on your knees lines. Then he goes over to Alice, and they do the waltz.)

(Next, Marcia is on the bathroom as the boys are waiting to get in and demanding she gives them a chance.)

Greg: Come on, Marcia, it’s our bathroom too.

(He knocks but gets no response.)

Peter: Marcia won’t even answer.

Bobby: How many times can she wash her hair?

Greg: Marcia, you’ll scrub yourself bald.

(Bobby snickers.)

Peter: I’m glad the contest for the banquet hostess only comes once.

Bobby: Who wants to be a dumb old banquet hostess anyway?

Greg (sarcastically): Well, I would. (He glides around) Please, Mr. Principal, pick me, I got poise and charm.

(Peter and Bobby laugh. Peter walks with a towel on his head.)

Peter: But I got good posture, see Mr. Principal?

Bobby: Pick me, I got personality. I’m a living doll.

(He shakes around and Greg throws a towel at him. Bobby goes to throw it back as we cut over to the school. Marcia and Molly are being interviewed for the final round.)

Watkins: Sit right here, girls. (They take their seats and Mr. Watkins continues) All right, Marcia and Molly, last part is the least. Your speeches about why you want to be hostess for senior banquet night. You may go first, Molly.

(He sits down and Molly gets up and begins to speak.)

Molly: Mr. Watkins, and members of the selection committee, senior banquet night has always been the highlight of our graduation exercises. And the highlight of my last year in junior high has been working on the readers and writers club. I’ve learned many new things here at Fillmore Junior High School.

(Next, Marcia is giving her speech.)

Marcia: And so, the honor of being hostess is one that we will remember long after we say good-bye to our school. And to have that honor would be the high point of my years at Fillmore Junior High School. Thank you.

(Marcia takes her seat as the judges tally up their scores.)

Watkins: Before I announce the winner, I want to tell you we had the most difficult time reaching a decision. So you’re both to be congratulated. As a matter of fact, you were exactly even up until the speeches. But we feel that one of them captured the spirit of the occasion a little better than the other. It’s my pleasure to announce this year’s hostess for senior banquet night is (Pause) Molly Weber.

(Molly cheers and gets up to shake his hand.)

Molly: Thank you, Mr. Watkins, thanks to all of you.

Watkins: Congratulations Molly, that was an excellent speech you gave.

(Marcia sat in her seat looking and feeling dejected. We next see her at the house playing a game in the kitchen with Mike and Carol.)

Marcia: I don’t feel like playing anymore, I think I’ll go to bed.

(He gets up.)

Mike: Honey.

Marcia (stopping): Huh?

Mike: You did your best in the competition, didn’t you.

Marcia: Yeah.

Carol: Well, you can’t do more than that.

Marcia: I know, but what kills me is Molly beat me with a speech that I helped her write.

(She heads upstairs but the doorbell rings.)

Marcia (calling): I’ll get it!

(She answers the door and it’s Molly.)

Molly: Hi, Marcia.

Marcia: Molly. What are you doing here?

Molly: Well, I came over to thank you for all the help you gave me. I really do appreciate it, Marcia.

Marcia: Okay, so you appreciate it.

Molly: Especially the speech you worked on for me. I’m afraid I haven’t acted very nicely towards you.

Marcia: Okay, Molly.

Molly: Now, there’s someone here who wants to meet you.

(Colonel Winfield appears at the door.)

Winfield: Hi, Marcia. I’m Dick Winfield.

Marcia (excited): Colonel Winfield, the astronaut.

Winfield: Yes. I met Molly in the principal’s office. She was telling Mr. Watkins all you’ve done for her.

Marcia: You were?

Molly (nodding): Uh huh.

Winfield: Mr. Watkins and I decided that in view of the special circumstances, this year we will try something new for senior banquet. (Marcia looks at him in suspense) Co-hostesses.

Marcia: Co-hostesses? (to molly) You mean, me and you?

Molly: Yeah, how about it, Marcia?

Marcia (happy): Oh, wow. I’ll go get my parents. (She slams the door in their face unintentionally, then goes to reopen it when  she realizes her mistake) Sorry. Won’t you please com ein? I’ll go get them.

(Her absent mindedness causes her to run outside and shut the door. She knocks and the colonel opens the door.)

Winfield (jokingly): Ah, so nice of you to drop by. Come in, Marcia.

Marcia: My parents… are inside.

(She leads them to the kitchen to meet Mike and carol as the scene fades.)


(The final scene has Marcia coming home from the banquet. Mike and Carol are in the living room.)

Marcia: Hi, I’m home.

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart. How was the banquet?

Marcia: Oh, it was super. And I got the first waltz with Colonel Dick Winfield, even before Molly.

Mike: Oh, wonderful.

Marcia: And I’ll bet he remembers me a lot longer than Molly too.

Carol: Well, that’s not exactly being modest, you know.

Marcia: He’ll never forget me. I stepped on his feet seven times.  (She repeats the dance by going 1,2,3 all the way to the stairs.) Good night.

Carol; Good night, honey.

(She continues with the 1,2,3 up the stairs until the scene fades.)

                          THE END

untitled final round

S3 E21 Cindy Brady, Lady

untitled cindy and marcia

Cindy Brady, Lady

Written by Al Schwartz and Larry Rhine

Cindy gains a secret admirer who makes her feel more mature. Hope you enjoy the script.











TOMMY JAMESON, Bobby’s friend and Cindy’s date

(The episode begins with Cindy and Jan in the bathroom. Jan is changing her hairdo to give herself a more mature look.)

Jan: Dreamy, huh, this hairstyle is called the exotic. Do you think I look exotic?

Cindy: What does exotic mean?

Jan (in a sophisticated voice): It means alluring, exciting, a woman of the world.

Cindy: Maybe I should fix my hair like that, then I’d be a woman of the world too.

Jan: It would look silly on you, Cindy, you’re still a child.

Cindy (annoyed): I’m not either!

(She comes out of the bathroom and then she’s in the family room coloring while Marcia is on the phone.)

Marcia: Yeah, uh huh, I know, Jerry, I think you’re real groovy. But I already promised to go to the school dance with Doug Williams. Sorry, but he asked first. A soda tomorrow? Well, uh, well, let me check my schedule. Hold on. (She gets off the phone to ponder while Cindy laughs) Yeah, yeah, I think I can make it. Okay, see you tomorrow at school. Bye.

(She hangs up)

Cindy: Boy, a dance and a soda, all in the same week.

Marcia: It’s no big deal.

Cindy: Maybe I’ll ask some boy to call me.

Marcia: Cindy, you don’t ask a boy to call you, you get them to call you.

Cindy: How?

Marcia: By being mature, playing it cool.

Cindy: I’m cool, but no boy ever calls me for a soda.

Marcia: But you’re not even 10 years old.

Cindy: Yeah, but I still get thirsty.

Marcia: Children don’t go out on dates, and, you’re just a baby.

Cindy (offended): Baby! Why did I have to be born so young?

(She angrily goes upstairs to her bedroom. She finds her doll, Kitty-Karry-All.)

Cindy (to the doll): I’ll show them, from now on I’m gonna be an older woman.

(The scene fades out.)

untitled grown up cindy

(The next scene has Cindy in her parents’ room. She lets down her hair, puts on her mother’s dress, and some high heels. Carol and Mike enter the room.)

Mike: Oh, pardon me, madam. We were looking for our little daughter, Cindy, about so high.

(He puts his hand to where her head normally is.)

Carol: And she has two lovely blonde ponytails.

Cindy: That Cindy doesn’t live here anymore. I’m grown-up and mature now.

(She starts to walk and almost slips on one of the heels.)

Mike (grabbing her): Oh, well, I think maybe (he looks at the heels) yes, I think you better get out of those shoes before you fall and break your neck.

Carol: Sweetheart, can I borrow this dress? I was gonna wear it to a party tonight.

(They pull the dress off her.)

Cindy (whining): I was feeling all grown-up. I’ll just be a little girl again.

Mike: Aww, and what’s so wrong about being a little girl?

Cindy: Everything, when you got two older sisters?

Carol: But Cindy, you’ve always had two older sisters.

Cindy: Yes, but now boys take them places, like dances and football games and the pizza place.

Mike: Cindy, you’ll go to all those places when you get a little older.

Carol: Don’t be in such a hurry, honey. Why this should be the happiest time of your life.

Cindy: Then why am I so miserable?

Mike: I’ll tell you why you’re miserable, because trying to act your sisters’ age, instead of your own.

Carol: Why, in just a few short years, you’re gonna be a teenager too.

Cindy (unhappy): I wanna be a teenager now.

(She starts to walk away. Carol stops her.)

Carol: Oh, sugar, can I have the shoes too? They go with the dress.

(She takes them off then leaves the room. We next see Alice in her bedroom, getting ready for bed.)

Alice: Ow, wow. (He wipes something off her face) Gotta get a new mirror. One that lies a little.

(Cindy appears.)

Alice: Oh hi, honey, come on in. It’s me in case you didn’t recognize me.

(Cindy sits down on Alice’s bed.)

Cindy: Alice.

Alice: Hmm.

Cindy: Mom and Dad are at the party. Can I talk to you?

Alice: Why, you bet, honey. What’s the trouble.

Cindy: Everybody in this house treats me like a baby. And I wanna be older.

Alice: Well, that’s life for you. You wanna be older, I wanna be younger. You think you got a tough job, try mine for a while.

Cindy: I fixed my hair like Jan’s, I wore high heels, and everything. But everybody still thinks I’m little Cindy.

Alice: You know what your real problem is, honey? You can’t find Mother Nature. It’s a losing battle, believe me, I know. I’ve blown enough money on ammunition. (She beckons her to the mirror) This is what I have to go through every night before I go to bed. Cold cream on my forehead, and then, wrinkled cream on my neck. And, some genuine, imported, European mud for any of the spots that I missed in between. And then, just to make sure, that my double chin doesn’t go triple, I have to sleep (she puts something around her head) with my head in a hammock. Trick or treat.

Cindy: Gee Alice, you do have a tougher job than me.

(Next, Mike and Greg are outside working on the car. Cindy comes out.)

Cindy: Dad.

Mike: Yes, honey.

Cindy (showing him  a book): Can you help me with this word?

Mike: Well, let’s see. Where? (He looks it up) Idiosyncracy? Well, that means peculiarity or something odd in the way a person behaves.

Greg: What’s a word like that doing in a kid’s book?

Cindy: I happen to be reading a Farewell to Arms, by Ernest Hemingway.

Greg (taking the book): She is reading Hemingway?

Mike: Don’t you think that’s a little old for you?

Cindy: Marcia’s reading it. If it’s not too old for her, it’s not too old for me.

Greg: Cindy, why don’t you stick to Alice In Wonderland, The Wizard of Oz.

Cindy (angry): Those are children’s books!

(She storms off.)

Greg (to Mike): Why’s she mad at me?

Mike: Oh, I don’t think she is. She’s just upset because she’s not as old as her sisters, you know. They have dates and they go places, and she just feels left out.

(Cut to Cindy’s room, where Greg goes to apologize to Cindy, who is playing with Marcia’s nail polish.)

Greg: I didn’t mean to kid about the Wizard of Oz.

Cindy (glumly): That’s okay.

Greg: Say, Cindy, I was thinking. There’s a track meet tomorrow afternoon. Would you like to go see it with me?

Cindy: Thanks, but it’s no fun for a girl to go out with her own brother.

Peter (coming in the room): Hey, Cindy, I’m going on a hike tomorrow, you want to come alomng?

Greg (condescendingly): Cindy doesn’t date her own brothers.

Peter: Oh, okay.

(Cut to downstairs, where the phone is ringing.)

Cindy: I’ll get it, Mom. (She picks up) Hello, no Marcia’s out. Can I take a message? (Carol looks on and smiles) Yeah, I got it, you’re Doug Williams and you’re calling about the school dance. Say, by the way, Doug. I’m Marcia’s sister, Cynthia. And I was thinking, if you have a friend, we can double date. I know I sound young, but I’m very old for my age. I think (she turns around and notices Carol, who came up to her) I think I’ll tell her when she comes in, bye.

(She hangs up.)

Carol: Do you remember what your father an di told you about acting your age, Cynthia?

(He puts her hand on Cindy’s chin.)

Cindy: It’s such a dumb age. Why couldn’t I have skipped from 8 right up to 15.

(She runs upstairs. We next see Alice taking a package from the front door.)

Alice (calling): Cindy, a package for you. A package for Ms. Cindy Brady!

(Cindy comes running down the stairs.)

Cindy: A package? For me?

Alice: Well, it’s sort of a package. It’s addressed to you and I found it in the mailbox.

(She takes the package and opens it. She finds a note in there with it.)

Cindy (excited): It’s a candy bar, and it’s wrapped up in a note.

Alice: What does it say?

(She reads it.)

Cindy (joyful): Alice, you won’t believe it!

Alice: Try me!

Cindy: it says, you don’t know me, but I sure dig you. Signed, your secret admirer.

Alice: Secret admirer, how about that?

Cindy: I wonder who it could be.

Alice: Whoever he is, he must think a lot of you. He blew 10 cents on that candy bar.

(She walks tot he kitchen.)

Cindy: I wonder who. Who cares. I got a secret admirer.

(She opens the paper and starts eating the bar. Next, Mike comes home with flowers.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart.

(He kisses her.)

Carol: Oh, Mike, you shouldn’t have.

Mike: I didn’t, they’re for Cindy. With a note signed from your secret admirer.

Carol: Where did you find them?

Mike: On the front steps.

Carol: I wonder who the mystery boy is.

Mike: I don’t know, but his taste in girls is better than his taste in flowers.

(Next, Greg is in the kitchen reading and Bobby comes in from the family room.)

Bobby: Hey Greg, Greg, I found this hair ribbon at the back door.

Greg: A hair ribbon?

Bobby: Yeah, and this note. To Cindy, from your secret admirer.

Greg: He gives her a present every day. He’s sure putting a dent in his piggy bank.

Bobby (heading for the stairs): Hey Cindy, you got another you know what from you know who.

(We next have Peter coming home from the front door.)

Peter (yelling): Cindy! Hey, Cindy! Cindy!

(He doesn’t notice Carol, who’s putting something in the coat closet.)

Carol: Peter, will you please stop yelling? Cindy isn’t even home yet.

Peter: Oh. Look what she’s got. Right outside the door.

(He hands her an engagement ring.)

Carol: Ooh, the secret admirer strikes again.

Peter: And boy, did he strike hard. Look at that.

Carol: Ooh.

Peter: If it’s real, it’s worth a fortune.

Carol: I don’t think it’s real, Peter. (She blows on it, then rubs it on her sleeve) But I do believe it’s an engagement ring.

Peter: Wow, Cindy’s engaged, and we don’t even know who he is.

(Cindy is in her room checking out the ring and Marcia and Jan come in.)

Marcia: Another note for you, Cindy.

(He gives it to Cindy.)

Marcia: He doesn’t miss a day.

Jan: He’s really flipped over you. (Cindy opens it) What did he say this time?

Marcia: Come on, read it.

Cindy (looking up): I am reading it.

Jan: We mean to us.

Cindy: This is personal, between my secret admirer and me.

Marcia (sarcastically): Well, pardon us.

(They walk away and Cindy reads.)

Cindy (to herself): When I think of your face, and awful cute dimples. From head to toe, I get goose pimples.

(She smiles to herself and we cut to the next scene. Later on, the phone rings and Marcia and Jan race to answer it.)

Marcia: it’s probably for me, I’m expecting a call.

Jan: It could be for me too.

Marcia (answering): Hello. No, this is Marcia. Oh, just a minute, please.

Jan (trying to grab the phone): I told you it was for me.

Marcia: It’s not for you either (calling) Cindy! Phone call! (to Jan) It’s a boy.

Jan: Maybe it’s her secret admirer.

(Carol and Mike smile from the chairs they are sitting on as Cindy answers and Marcia and Jan leave the room.)

Cindy (getting on the phone): Hello. Yues, this is Cindy. (she gets excited) Who? Oh wow, at last we’re talking face to face! (Marcia and Jan look on from the kitchen) Uh huh, I got the flowers, the candy, and the big diamond ring. I like them all, but I think i like the candy the best.

Bobby (disguising his voice form another phone): I called because I wanted to hear your voice. And you know something, it’s as pretty as you are.

Cindy: You sound pretty too. When can I see you in perosn?

Bobby: Well, uh, I’m kind of real busy. The only time I can see you is at 3 o’clock tomorrow, and you can’t, because you have your ballet lesson.

Cindy: How do you know?

Bobby: How? Um, that’s when my sister takes ballet, so i figured you might too.

Cindy: Hey, you know what? My ballet teacher’s sick. So come over to my house tomorrow at 3. Bye. (She hangs up and picks up again) Secret admirer.

(She hangs up again.)

Bobby: Hello, hello. Hello, hello. (to himself) All that trouble I went through just to get myself in trouble.

(The scene fades out.)

untitled another grown cindy

(The next scene has the boys sleeping that evening. He gets up to write Cindy another note.)

Bobby (writing): Dear Cindy, I can’t meet you tomorrow because I am moving to Europe. You’ll always be the grooviest. Signed, your secret admirer.

(Bobby puts his robe and slippers on. Then he goes down the stairs to put the letter in the mailbox. He opens the door to go outside, then it shuts behind him. Carol and Mike hear it from their room.)

Carol: What was that?

Mike: It sounded like a door slam.

(Bobby tries to open the door to get in. Mike comes down and opens the door. Bobby almost runs into him.)

Mke (shutting the door): What were you doing outside at this hour?

Bobby: Walking in my sleep?

Mike: Do you always go walking in your sleep in your bathrobe and your slippers?

Bobby: Maybe I was dreaming it was cold outside.

(Mike notices the note in Bobby’s hand.)

Mike: What’s that? Buh, let’s see. Hand it over. (Bobby shows it to him and Mike reads it) Is that you? (Bobby nods) upstairs, secret admirer.

(Cut to Mike and Carol’s room, where Bobby is explaining his motive.)

Bobby: All I wanted to do was make Cindy feel more grown-up like Marcia and Jan.

Mike: We know you meant well, Bob.

Carol: But giving Cindy an imaginary boyfriend was only building her up for a big letdown.

Mike: She had to find out the truth sometime.

Bobby: I guess you’re right. What are we gonna do?

Mike: We aren’t gonna do anything. You are.

Cindy: You are going to tell Cindy the truth first thing in the morning.

Bobby: Can I write it on a note and leave it under the door?

(Carol shakes her head no, and so does Mike. Bobby gets the idea.)

(Next morning, the boys are getting ready for school. Bobby seems to be hesitating.)

Greg: Hey, come on, Bobby. We better get down for breakfast.

Bobby: I’ll be down in a minute.

Peter: Okay, but I might eat some of your pancakes.

Greg; I’ll split them with you.

Bobby: Hey, can I ask you guys a question?

Greg: Sure.

Bobby: Well, if you gotta do something you really don’t wanna do, how do you do it?

Greg: Oh, if you gotta do it, do it quick. Get it overwith.

Peter: Yeah, quick. You know, like when you take medicine in one big gulp. (He demonstrates taking medicine) Blecch.

Greg: What have you gotta do?

Bobby: Oh, something. Blecch.

Greg: Good luck.

(He and Peter leave the room. We cut over to the girls’ room.)

Marcia: You must be excited, Cindy, today’s the big day.

Jan: I bet you can’t wait to meet your secret admirer.

Cindy: I hope he’s taller than me.

(Marcia and Jan leave the room and Bobby enters.)

Bobby: Cindy, can I talk to you for a minute?

Cindy: Okay, but don’t make me late.

Bobby: I won’t, I’ll make it short. (Pause) You know those notes and things you got from your secret admirer?

Cindy: Yeah.

Bobby: Well, I write poems too.

Cindy: Not as good as his.

Bobby: Well, you know the phone call you got?

Cindy: Yeah.

Bobby: Didn’t his voice sound kinda like mine?

Cindy: Oh no, he’s a much older man. At least 13.

Bobby: Well, I got something to tell you.

Cindy: What?

Bobby: I guess it can wait.

Cindy: Okay.

(She leaves and Bobby shrugs before he leaves as well. We cut over to their school. Bobby’s friend Tommy goes to get on his bicycle. Bobby goes up to him.)

Bobby: Hey, Tommy, I’ve been looking all over for you.

Tommy: What for?

Bobby: I figured you might want to do some swapping.

Tommy: Sure.

Bobby: Come on.

(They go over to the stairs in front of the school. Bobby reaches into his pocket.)

Tommy: What have you got?

Bobby: Well, I hate to give it up, but what would you give me for this rabbit’s foot?

Tommy (taking something from his pocket): This pencil sharpener.

Bobby: It’s a deal.

(They trade off and slap each other five.)

Bobby: Look what I’ve got.

(He shows him.)

Tommy: Wow, a real Kennedy half dollar. What do you want for it?

Bobby: Are you kidding? It’s too valuable to swap.

Tommy: Oh, come on. I’d give almost anything for it.

Bobby: Would you do almost anything for it?

Tommy: Like what?

(Bobby smiles at him and we next see Alice back at the house, opening the front door. It’s Tommy with some flowers.)

Tommy: Hi, I’m Tommy Jamison. I have a date with Cindy.

Alice: Oh, so you’re the mystery man. Come right in, Tommy.

Tommy: She doesn’t know who I am, but it’s me.

Alice: Well, you’re a very fine looking man. I’ll  let her know you’re here. (She calls upstairs) Cindy, someone is here to see you! Sit down, make yourself at home, Tommy.

(Cindy comes down the stairs to meet him. Marcia and Jan look on.)

Cindy: At last I have the pleasure of making your acquaintance.

Tommy: Hi.

(He hands her the flowers.)

Cindy: Look, I’m wearing your ribbon.

Tommy (surprised): My ribbon? (He suddenly realizes) Oh, yeah, my ribbon.

Cindy: Let’s step outside. A breath of fresh air would be nice. Wouldn’t it.

(Marcia and Jan are still looking as Cindy takes Tommy by the arm. They walk through the kitchen.)

Cindy: Alice, I think we might want some refreshments later.

Alice: Oh, of course, I’ll start working on that right now.

(She hands Alice the flowers.)

Cindy: Would you please put these in water?

Alice: Right away.

Cindy: Thank you.

(She and Tommy head outside.)

NOTE: Cindy sticks out her tongue after saying her last line. Susan Olsen thought they were still rehearsing.

(Cindy leads Tommy outside to the backyard.)

Cindy: This is where I used to play, when I was a little girl.

Tommy: Want to have a swing contest?

Cindy; Swings are for children. I think Ernest Hemingway is very interesting, don’t you?

Tommy: Does he go to our school?

Cindy: Of course not, he’s a famous writer.

Tommy (noticing): Hey, that’s a neat teeter-totter.

Cindy: I’ve outgrown teeter-totters.

Tommy: How about climbing a tree?

Cindy: That isn’t very mature either.

Tommy: Well, it’s been nice meeting you. Bye.

(He starts to walk away.)

Cindy: Wait, Tommy, don’t you like me?

Tommy: You’re too grown up for me.

Cindy: I’m not really grown up. I was just pretending, for a date. (She lets her hair down) See, this is how my hair really looks.

Tommy: Hey, that’s neat.

Cindy: I like to climb trees, and I like swings, and play on the teeter-totter.

Tommy: You do?

Cindy: Uh huh, and I even collect lizards.

Tommy: Lizards? I collect them, too.

Cindy: You do.

Tommy: Yeah, I never thought I’d meet a girl who likes lizards.

Cindy; I love them.

Tommy: So do I. Gee, this is the best date I ever had.

Cindy: Me too.

Tommy: It’s also the only one I ever had.

(Alice comes out with two banana splits.)

Alice: Refreshment time.

(Cindy and Tommy get off the teeter-totter and race toward the patio table.)

Cindy: Hey,. look, banana splits!

Tommy: I love banana splits almost as much as lizards.

Alice: I’m afraid you’ll have to settle for bananas. I’m not serving lizard splits.

(Later on, Mike and Carol are back from shopping.)

Carol: Huh, Alice, you should’ve seen the stores. I couldn’t believe the crowds.

Mike: I couldn’t believe the price tags.

(He puts stuff in the refrigerator and carol notices Cindy outside, playing on the teeter-totter with Tommy.)

Carol: Who is that boy out there with Cindy?

Alice: Oh, that’s Tommy Jamison, Cindy’s date.

Mike: Date?

Alice: That’s her secret admirer.

Carol: That can’t be her secret admirer. Bobby was supposed to…

Mike (to Alice): Where is Bobby?

Alice: Well, he’s in there.

(She points to the family room. They walk in there and see Bobby watching Cindy and Tommy from the window.)

Mike: Bobby. (He turns around) You care to explain what’s going on out there?

Carol: You were supposed to talk with Cindy this morning.

Bobby: Well, I got a better idea. I gave Tommy Jamison my Kennedy half dollar to be Cindy’s secret admirer.

Carol (upset): You mean you bribed the boy to be Cindy’s date?

Bobby: Well, it only cost 50 cents.

(Tommy knocks on the door and motions to Bobby to come outside.)

Bobby: What do you want?

Tommy: I want to give you back your Kennedy half dollar.

Bobby: Oh no, you made a deal. You gotta stick with it.

Tommy: I will. I mean, you don’t have to pay me to play with Cindy. She’s real neat. For a girl, I mean.

(He gives Bobby back the coin and continues playing with Cindy. Bobby shrugs and comes back inside.)

Bobby (to Mike and Carol): Isn’t that great? It didn’t cost me anything.

Mike: Well, hang on. Because this incident isn’t quite closed yet, you know.

Bobby: Well, before you say anything. Just remember, it’s a happy ending.

(He flips the coin but Carol catches it.)

Carol: Ha, ha, for him maybe. For you, we’re not so sure.

(The scene fades out.)

untitled cindy and tommy untitled cindy meets tommy

(The final scene has Cindy running into the kitchen.)

Cindy: Alice!

Alice: Yes.

Cindy: The lizard Tommy gave me got out of his box. Have you seen him?

(Alice is standing on the kitchen table.)

Alice: Yes I have. He’s over there.

(She points to where it is. Cindy smiles and goes to retrieve it.)

                                       THE END

untitled tomorrow


S3 E20 Sergeant Emma

untitled emma

Sergeant Emma

Written by Harry Winkler

Alice goes away for a week and so her cousin Emma, an army sergeant, takes her place and proceeds to turn the house into an army base. I hope you enjoy the script.












(The episode begins with Alice leaving for a vacation. She says good-bye to Mike and Carol.)

Alice: I made out the shopping list, Mrs. Brady. And I finished the wash and I don’t think…

Carol: Alice, will you please stop worrying? We’ll be fine. Now just have a nice vacation.

Alice: I will, I really will. (She starts to cry) You know, it just broke my heart saying good-bye to the children this morning. It’s just gonna seem like a year before I see them again.

Mike: Alice, you’re only gonna be gone a week.

Alice: So I’m 358 days off.

(Mike and Carol laugh.)

Carol: Well, they’re gonna miss you too.

Alice: Well, I wouldn’t go if I didn’t know you had a first-rate pitch hitter for me. You’re gonna love my cousin Emma.

Mike: Oh, yeah, I’m sure we will.

Alice: like I said, she’s efficient, well-organized, a born manager.

(We see Emma arriving at the Brady house. One of the kids’ bicycles was on the ground, so she took it and put it back up. She also picked up a football and put it on the patio table. She comes inside the house.)

Alice: Oh, there she is now, hi, Emma.

Emma: Hi there, Alice.

Alice: My, it’s good to see you.

Emma: You too.

Alice: Emma, meet Mr. and Mrs. Brady.

Mike: Hello, Emma.

Carol: Hi. It’s nice to have you with us.

(Emma gives a little smile.)

Mike: We hope you’ll be comfortable.

Emma: Thank you, I just hope I’m able to make you people comfortable.

Alice: There are six more Bradys to meet when they get home from school.

Emma: Good, the more there are, the better I like it.

(They hear a car honking.)

Alice: Oh, that would be Sam to drive me to the airport. Well, adios, aloha, arrivederci.

Carol: Alice, now what kind of a good-bye is that?

Alice: When you get on an airplane nowadays, you never know where you’re gonna end up. (Carol hugs her good-bye) Now you take good care of the Bradys, cousin Emma. (The car horn honks again) I’m coming.

(She leaves.)

Emma: I think I can handle the job, folks. I wasn’t in the wax for 20 years for nothing. Musted out as Master Sergeant.

Carol: Master Sergeant?

Alice: Yes, ma’am. Helped run the mess hall for an entire company.

Mike (amazed): That must have been a very difficult job.

Emma: Not if you’re organized.

(Bobby and Cindy run in the house screaming and leave the door open.)

Emma: Halt! About face! (The kids turn around) Forward march and close the door. Come on, hut 2, hut 2, hut, hut, hut. Move along, hut 2, hut 2. (They close the door and Emma turns to Mike and Carol) Just a question of control.

Bobby (to Cindy): Hut 2?

(The scene fades.)

untitled alice and emma

(Early the next morning, the family is awoken by a loud whistle from Emma.)

Peter (waking up): What’s happening?

Greg (waking up): I don’t know. (Emma blows her whistle off once more) There it is again.

Emma (coming in their room): Up and atom, men.

(She turns their light on.)

Greg: Up and atom who?

Emma: Move it, out of the sack. Hut 2.

Peter: But it’s barely light outside.

Emma: Right, Rise with the sun, get your day’s work done.

Bobby: But we don’t work, we go to school.

Emma: Makes no difference. Good habits start early in life.

Greg (tiredly): Do they have to start so early in the morning?

Emma: Cut the chatter, men. Suit up and fall out in the yard in 15 minutes.

(She leaves the room and shuts the yard.)

Greg: The yard?

Bobby: What are we gonna do in the yard?

(They get out of their beds and follow Emma’s instructions. She is next in the girls’ room.)

Emma: Rise and shine girls. Breakfast is at old 800 hours.

Marcia: But it’s only 6:00 in the morning?

Emma: Right.

Jan: What are we supposed to do until old 800 hours?

Emma: Calisthenics.

Cindy: Calisthenics?

Marcia and Jan: Oh, no.

(They get back under the covers and put them over their heads.)

Emma (pulling the covers off them): and when I say calisthenics, I mean calisthenics.

(Cut to the backyard, where Emma and the kids are doing jumping jacks.)

Emma: Hut 2,3,4, hut 2 and that’s all.

(The kids stop.)

Greg: If that’s all, I think I’ll be going back to bed.

(The other kids agree.)

Emma: As you were. (They stop) Never break formation before you’ve been given the order. Back, back, snap to it. Hut, hut, hut, hut. We’re just getting warmed up.

(She looks something up on her list.)

Jan: How come we had to come out here to get warmed up?

Cindy: Yeah.

Marcia: I was warm right in bed.

(Mike and Carol notice from inside.)

Mike: Boy, she really has the kids hustling.

Carol: You think it might be too much for them, Mike?

Mike: No, a little exercise can’t hurt ’em.

(Cut back outside.)

Emma: All right, what we’re gonna now is deep knee bends. (The kids protest) And I mean deep. (She gives a demonstration) Got it? Ready, set, exercise. Hut 2, hut 2.  Heads up, chests out. Backs straight, looking great.

Peter (to Greg and Bobby): This is for the birds.

Bobby: Yeah, the birds.

Greg: Are you kidding? No bird in his right mind would do knee bends at 6:00 in the morning.

Jan (to Marcia): Can she do this to us?

Marcia: She’s doing it for a treat.

Cindy: My knees been okay before we started.

Emma: Hut 2, hut 2, hut 2, hut 2, and that’s all. Fall out.

Cindy: Can we eat now?

(The other kids cheerfully agree. Emma blows her whistle.)

Emma: Simmer down. There will be no chow until inspection quarters.

(Next, she is upstairs inspecting the boys’ room.)

Emma (to Peter): A little more elbow grease on those shoes.

Peter: Yes sir, ma’am.

(She goes into his drawer and takes out a pair of socks.)

Emma: That’s no way to stow socks. You roll them like this. (She rolls them and hands them to him) That’s a regulation sock roll. (She inspects Greg’s bed) That looks like a mushy bed, soldier. (The guys come closer to the bed and she bounces a quarter on it) Tighten that blanket, that quarter is supposed to jump like a spring.

Greg: Yes, ma’am.

Bobby: Why?

Emma: Why. Regulations, that’s why. (She looks around the room) Well, it’s not too bad for a first inspection. (she pats Peter’s back) At ease.

(She leaves the room.)

Peter: This is like being in the Army.

Greg: I wonder what the punishment is for going over the hill.

(Bobby laughs. Emma is next in the girls’ room.)

Emma: Well, girls. Do you think this room can stand the glove test?

Marcia: What’s the glove test?

(Emma has a white glove on her hand. She taps the desk with a finger of the glove.)

Emma: That’s the glove test. (She shows them dust on the glove) Get rid of that dust.

(She walks out of the room.)

Jan (whispering): Why don’t we keep the dust and get rid of her.

Cindy: Yeah.

Marcia; Uncle Sam had her, why didn’t he keep her?

(Next, Mike comes home form work and he sees Carol sitting on the bottom of the staircase, looking concerned.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Carol: Hi.

(He notices her worried frown.)

Mike: Uh oh, something’s wrong.

Carol: What makes you say that?

Mike: Because, you have that something is wrong look in your eyes.

(He kisses her cheek.)

Carol: Well, it’s Emma.

Mike: Uh, oh, what’s wrong with Emma?

Carol: Well, I know she means well, honey. But, she’s awfully hard on the kids.

Mike: Oh, you mean the exercises?

Carol: Well, it’s not just the exercises, the room inspections, and the awful hut 2, hut 2, all over the place.

Mike: Honey, she’s just one of those persons who has to have everything organized.

Carol: Oh, you’re not kidding, she’s organized me right out of my own kitchen. (Pause) Oh, by the way, this is for you. (She hands him a piece of paper) she wants you to initial it.

Mike: Oh yeah, what’s this?

Carol: Well, it’s a duty roster?

Mike: A duty roster?

Carol: Yeah, she’s given the kids assignments. There’s KP, laundry detail, trash detail, bathroom detail.

Mike: I’m surprised she didn’t say la treem.

Carol: She did. I had to translate for the kids.

Mike: Oh well, honey, there’s nothing wrong with the kids having duties assigned to them.

Carol: You mean you approve of all this?

Mike: Well, a little discipline can’t hurt.

Carol: Okay, I wonder if you’ll feel the same way at dinner tonight.

Mike: What’s gonna happen at dinner tonight?

Carol: You’ll see.

(That evening, Emma is in the kitchen and the kids all come in.)

Emma: Troops, in here troops, in here. Grab a plate and get in line. Form a line right over here. No pushing. Organization is the order of the day.

Peter: What are we eating?

Emma: Potatoes MacArthur, Beef Eisenhower, Succatosh Pentagon. After you’re finished eating, I want you to rinse off your plate and pile them in the sink. Now who’s got KP on the duty roster?

Jan: I guess I do.

Emma: Then you eat first. Hut 2, hut 2.

Greg (to Marcia): You know what we’re having?

Marcia: Succatosh Pentagon?

Carol (to Mike): Hut 2, hut 4, I don’t like this anymore.

Mike: I get the terrible feeling we’ve all been drafted.

(The next scene has Greg and Marcia coming into the family room to discuss the matter with Mike and Carol.)

Greg: Dad, Mom, can we talk to you for a minute?

Mike: Sure, what’s the trouble?

Marcia: What isn’t the trouble?

Greg: Do we have to go in for that gung ho jazz? Especially the exercises.

Mike: Well son, nothing wrong with building up your body.

Carol: And what better way of exercising every day?

Emma (coming in the room): I’m glad to hear you feel that way, Mr. and Mrs. Brady. People don’t always like what’s good for them.

Mike: Yeah, that’s what I was pointing out. Kids need exercise.

Emma: Adults too, Mr. Brady, if you know what I mean.

(Mike gives her a surprised look.)

Mike: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I know what you mean.

Emma: You too, Mrs. Brady. You have a nice little figure there, you wouldn’t want it to go to pot.

Carol (sheepishly): No, (she gives Mike a little slap on the wrist) I guess I wouldn’t.

Emma: Good, well I’ll expect you both to join us tomorrow morning, Roger?

Greg (to Carol): Like you said, there’s nothing wrong with building up your body.,

Marcia: And what better way of exercising every day, right?

Emma: Tomorrow morning at old 600 hours.

Carol: Old 600 hours?

Mike: That’s 6:00 in the morning.

(Emma smirks. the next morning, Carol and Mike are participating in the exercise, along with the kids. Emma stands over them with a stick while they do push-ups.)

Emma: Hut 2,3,4. Hut 2,3,4. Hut 2,3,4, make those tummies clear the floor. 5,6,7,8. Lower those backs and keep them straight. Hut 2,3,4. Hut 2,3,4. Hut 2,3,4, and halt.

(They all gladly drop to the ground.)

Mike (to Carol): Well, certainly makes you feel better, doesn’t it?

Carol: I don’t know. Right now, I can’t feel anything.

Emma: All right, troops, may I have your attention? I’d like to make an announcement. Tomorrow morning we will not be doing calisthenics. (They all cheer) Hold it, hold it. Instead, I’ve got a special surprise.

(The next morning, Emma and the family jog around the neighborhood.  Carol stops to rest by holding on to a tree to relax. They continue to jog all the way to the house.)

Emma: Hut 2, hut 2, come on in and hut 2, hut 2, hut 2. (She repeats hut 2) All right, fall out. Hut 2, hut 2).

(She jogs inside and the family drops to the grpund.)

Mike (to Carol): Oh, honey, I’m sorry I got you into this. Why don’t we just drop it and go home.

Carol: Are you kidding? And face the court marshal?

(Emma comes back out.)

Emma: Chow time.

(They all get up and rush inside. The scene fades out.)

untitled bounce a quarted untitled glove test

(The next scene has Carol and Mike in their room, laying on their beds, exhausted.)

Mike: As Sergeant Emma would say, “Are you A Ok?”

Carol: Oh, no, my A is far from OK, and my B and C are the same.

Mike: You know, if Emma weren’t Alice’s cousin, I’d ship her out for overseas duty.

Carol: Here, here.

(There is a knock on the door.)

Mike (tired): Come in.

(Marcia and Greg enter.)

Marcia: Mom, Dad.

Carol: Yeah.

Greg: On behalf of all the kids, we’d like to put a proposition to you.

Mike: What kind of proposition?

Marcia: Well, if you don’t have to have Emma for the rest of the week, we’ll do all the housework.

Greg: We’ll even get up at old 600 hours and do stuff before we go to school.

Marcia: And we’ll come straight home and do work too.

Greg: What we’re trying to say is, we’d like an honorable discharge from Emma’s Army.

Carol (laughing): Oh, that’s funny,. your father and I were just talking about that.

Greg: And.

Mike: Well, it’s not quite that simple. Emma is Alice’s cousin and we’re in a delicate ground.

Carol: We wouldn’t want to hurt Alice’s feelings, would we?

Marcia: I guess not.

Greg: We didn’t think of that.

Mike: Hmm. Well, I guess we’re stuck for the duration.

Greg: I wish we could give her a 3 day pass or something.

Carol: Yeah, that sure would help. (she gets an idea) Hey, why not. (she turns to Mike) Mike, why couldn’t we get her to take a couple of days off.

Marcia: Or even one.

Mike: That’s a good idea, let’s talk to her.

(Carol feels some pain in her back. Mike massages it.)

(The next scene has Mike and Carol coming into the kitchen, where Emma is setting dishes in the cupboard.)

Emma: Oh, just arranging these dishes in G.I. order. Have you ever read the Army manual on mess hole organization?

Carol: No, I’m afraid I haven’t,

Emma: Well, you should, it’s an eye opener.

Mike: Emma, we appreciate you working so hard, but, Mrs. Brady and I are a little concerned about it.

Carol: Yeah, we think you’ve been working a little too hard.

Emma: Nothing wrong with hard work.

Mike: Uh, no, no. But you can overdo it. Um, even in the Army they gave you 3 day passes, didn’t they.

Emma: Oh, sure they did, but, I never took ’em.

Carol (disappointed): You never took them?

Emma: Mr. and Mrs. Brady, I served 20 years in Uncle Sam’s army. Never gold bricked once, I’m not about to start now. No sir, I got a week’s special duty here and you’re gonna get every minute of it. Mr. Brady, that buckle of yours is tarnishing. I got an army rag, it’ll shine that right up.

(Emma goes to get it and Marcia and Greg come in from the living room.)

Marcia: We heard.

Carol: Sorry, kids. Emma’s not going to budge until Alice returns from her vacation.

Marcia: I don’t think I can stand it until Alice gets back.

(Carol and Mike go upstairs.)

Greg (to Marcia): There must be something we can do.

(That evening, they conspire with the other kids.)

Greg: I called you guys together for some good news. Marcia and I have figured out some plans for Sergeant Emma. (The other kids cheer.)

Greg (to Bobby and Cindy): You two will have a special mission to knock Emma out of the loop.

Marcia (to Peter and Jan): And you two are gonna help me and Greg.

(The next day, Bobby and Cindy come in the kitchen with a mouse.)

Cindy: You think Emma’s going to be scared?

Bobby: Sure. Remember Alice? She screamed and jumped 10 high.

Cindy: Yeah.

Bobby: Emma will leave here as fast as she can. Now where should we put it?

Cindy: How about the wastebasket?

Bobby: Perfect! (to the mouse) Okay guy, we’re counting on you.

Cindy: It was sure nice of Benji to lend him his pet mouse.

(Bobby puts the mouse in the garbage can.)

Bobby: Ready?

Cindy: Roger. (she laughs) Emma’s got me saying it.

Bobby: Okay, go.

(They start screaming for Emma. She comes in the kitchen.)

Emma (pulling it out); Ahh, this little fellow. (Bobby and Cindy get squeamish) He wouldn’t hurt a fly. (The kids get disappointed) Remember, a good soldier isn’t afraid of anything. He’s cute. Here (she hands it to Bobby) Take a pet out of him.

(She walks away.)

Bobby: She sure wasn’t scared of a mouse.

Cindy: Maybe Benji has a skunk.

Bobby: A skunk? I think we need King Kong.

(Next, Emma is dusting in the family room when Jan and Peter come in.)

Jan: Hi, Emma.

Emma: Hi troops. (He goes back to dusting then notices them staring) Want something?

Jan: We were just wondering why you’re working so hard if you feel so bad.

Emma: Who says I feel bad?

Peter: Well, you’re always telling us to stand up straight like you do. And from the way you’re bent over, you must feel terrible.

Emma: I’m just bent over dusting.

Jan: What about the dark circles?

Emma: What dark circles?

Jan: Under your eyes.

Peter: Yeah, and you look kind of feverish.

Emma: Feverish?

Jan: Maybe we shouldn’t have said anything.

Peter: Yeah, forget it Emma, see you around.

(They walk away and Emma, looking suspicious, feels her head. Greg and Marcia come in.)

Marcia: Hi, Emma.

Emma: Hi.

(They stare at her and she turns around.)

Greg: Emma, are you okay?

Emma: Well, sure I’m feeling okay.

Greg: Your face is so flushed. I thought you might be sick. (Emma looks at them with a straight face.)

Marcia: And what’s the matter with your eyes?

Emma: My eyes, why?

Marcia: Well, they look kind of blazed.

Greg: Maybe she’s getting the pink eye. Emma, now you’re getting pale as a ghost.

Emma: Pale?

Greg: You better sit down (they take her by the arms) You look like you might faint.

Emma: Why I never fainted in my life.

(They sit her down.)

Marcia: I think you’re supposed to put your head between your knees.

Greg: Emma, you oughtta take it easy. Go away for a couple of days rest.

Marcia: Right!

Emma: You know what’s the matter with me? It’s those calisthenics.

Marcia: Why, I bet that’s what it is.

Greg: Too much exercising. Right?

Emma: Wrong. I’ve been too easy on myself. Getting soft as a civilian. Effective  600 hours tomorrow, double calisthenics. We’re really gonna shape up around here.

(She goes back to the dusting, leaving Greg and Marcia plenty upset.)

(We next see her and the whole family doing exercises the next day. She also inspects and the girls room, then the boys room. She has Bobby fold a shirt. Finally, she shows Carol how to sort out her shoes and Mike how to fold socks. She then has the family go around the doghouse on their knees. The next morning, Carol and Mike are in their room sleeping as Carol looks to see what time it is. She elbows Mike.)

Carol: Honey, honey, honey, you know what time it is?

Mike: Time for Emma’s exercises.

Carol: Yeah. (laughing)

Mike (suddenly realizing): Oh! Do you realize what today is?

Carol: Ahh, how could I forget? Alice is coming home, the prisoners of war are about to be liberated.

Mike: Oh boy, she sure will be a sight for sore eyes, and sore back and sore arms and sore legs.

Carol: The kids could hardly wait. Honey, why don’t we give Alice a coming home party?

Mike: Hey yeah, why don’t we.

Carol: Yeah, why don’t we. I’ll order a cake from the bakery and have Greg pick it up on his way home from school.

Mike: Yeah, I’m for that. (Carol sighs in relief) Well, we better get a move-on. You know how Emma is about her old 600 calisthenics.

Carol: Roger, I don’t want to get thrown in the stockade.

(The next scene has Greg and Marcia coming home with the cake.)

Marcia: Hi, Mom.

Carol: Hi.

Greg: Where’s the cake.

(He opens it up.)

Greg: Oh, that looks delicious.

Marcia: Delicious but fattening.

Carol: Yeah. (to Greg) Here, let me help you, careful now.

(She and Greg take it out of the box and set it on the table. Greg goes to throw the box away and runs into Emma, who comes in the kitchen.)

Emma: Hi, mind if I look too.

Carol: Well, it’s just  a cake, Emma.

Emma: Oh, that’s a party cake if I ever saw one.

Carol (sheepishly): Well, let me explain, Emma, you see it’s…

Emma: (interrupting): You don’t have to explain, Mrs. Brady, I understand.

Carol: You do?

Emma: Of course I do, today’s my last day here and you want to give me a going away party. Right?

(They all look at her in astonishment.)

Carol (reluctantly): Right.

(Next, the Bradys are eating cake and drinking milk with Emma, in the living room. She makes a speech.)

Emma: Well, troops, I never really expected anything like this. I want you to know this is the nicest thing that’s happened to me since I got the general Haggerty award for my campaign make your barracks beautiful.

Carol: Oh, Emma, it’s really notihng.

Emma: Oh, yes it is something, folks. The army is a lonely life. You make a friend, you get transferred away. The heaving for me used to be going to PX for extra shoe polish. I loved every single minute I’ve been here. And you all shaped up just great. In my power I give you all good conduct metals with an open cluster.

(She blows her nose and Alice comes in the door.)

Alice: Hi, everybody. I’m back.

(The family gets up and cheers and welcomes Alice with open arms. That makes her pleased as punch.)

Alice: Wow, what a reception. I should just walk out and come in again. (She notices what’s left of the cake) Well, having a little celebration here?

Emma: Cousin Alice, my wonderful platoon has made a farewell party for old Sarge.

Alice: Aww, isn’t that nice. See, I told you the Bradys for something really special. And I guess you all discovered that Cousin Emma is something special too.

Carol: Oh, she’s something special, all right.

Mike: you better believe it.

Alice: Well, that’s great, because I won’t have to feel funny about going away again. We can just ask Cousin Emma to come back.)

(The family gets dismayed by that statement as the scene fades out.)

untitled party

(The final scene has Carol and Mike in bed when they hear a whistle blowing. Soon, the whole family is woken up. It turns out Alice woke them up.)

Mike: Alice, it’s 6:00 on the (Pause) morning.

Alice: yeah, I know.

Carol: What are you doing with that whistle?

Alice: Emma left it for me. She said the whole family just loved getting up at 6 and exercising. (The family looks at her with disgust) Yeah, and she left me as a matter of fact, all these instructions and a whole lot of other things. (The family goes back to bed) First, calisthenics at old 600, then the mess hall, followed immediately by the white glove test, then the inspection of quarters, then if, only if, everyone passes, then… (She looks up and notices they all left) Hey, where did everybody go? Gang.

                                                          THE END