S3 E7 Juliet Is The Sun

untitled juliet

Juliet Is The Sun

Written by Brad Radnitz

Marcia gets the lead in the school play of Romeo and Juliet. She changes from feelings of self-doubt to a major attitude. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

HAROLD AXELROD, boy who plays Romeo

MISS GOODWIN, teacher conducting the play

(The episode begins with Peter and Jan coming home from school on their bikes. They run into the house, screaming for their mother.)

Peter: Mom!

Jan: Mom, Mom, we’re in the school play.

Peter: We’re in the school play, Romeo and Juliet.

Carol (pleased): Oh, that’s terrific.

Alice: What parts did you get?

Peter: Palace guards. I say hark.

Jan: And I say who goes there.

Alice: Hey, they know their lines already.

Carol: How did Marcia do?

Peter: She tried out for the part of the nurse.

Marcia: And she was great.

Peter: But Miss Goodwin hasn’t made up her mind about the big parts yet.

Jan: I hope she gets to be the nurse, then we can all be in the play.

Carol: How about that? First the Barrymores, now the Bradys.

(The phone rings.)

Carol: I’ll get it, Alice. (She answers) Hello. Oh, hello, Ms. Goodwin. Yes, Peter and Jan were just telling me the good news. Yeah, oh, yeah, I think Harold Axelrod will make a great Romeo. Marcia? (She gets excited) Really? Well, of course I’ll tell her, Ms. Goodwin. Oh, thank you so much for calling, good-bye. (She hangs up)

Alice: What about Marcia?

Carol (excited): She got the part of Juliet!

Jan: Juliet? Wow!

Peter: She didn’t even try out for that part!

Jan: That’s the starring role! (She runs) Marcia, Marcia, come here quick!

Carol: Isn’t it a wonderful surprise?

Alice: She’ll be thrilled right out of her sneakers.

(Marcia comes in.)

Marcia: What is it? What’s all the excitement?

Carol: Marcia, Ms. Goodwin just called. You got the part of Juliet.

Marcia: Juliet? But I tried out for the nurse.

Alice: But you got the starring part.

Carol: Isn’t that marvelous?

Marcia: I think that’s awful.

(Marcia leaves the kitchen and everyone else in confusion. The scene fades.)

untitled noble and beautiful

(Marcia is in her room and Mike and Carol knock on the door.)

Marcia: Come in.

Mike (coming in with Carol): Hi, honey.

Marcia: Hi.

Mike: I heard you got the part of Juliet, and I also heard you don’t want it.

Marcia: That’s right.

Mike: Mind if I ask why?

Marcia: I just don’t think I should play the part, that’s all.

Mike: Why?

Marcia: I didn’t even try out for that part.

Carol: But the most important thing is Marcia is that Ms. Goodwin thinks you’re the best one for it.

Marcia (bitterly): And I know why, because you’re the chairman of the play committee.

(She moves from her bed to standing near her desk.)

Carol: Look, Marcia, I volunteered to be the chairman because I wanted your school to present a good play. I didn’t want to help you get a good part.

Mike: Marcia, Ms. Goodwin isn’t going to miscast the leading role in the play just to please your mother.

Marcia: Then why would she give me the part? Juliet is supposed to be beautiful and noble, and I’m not anything like that.

Carol: Marcia, that’s nonsense. You’re a beautiful girl. And besides that, you’re a very good actress.

Marcia: You have to say that, you’re my mother.

Mike: I say it, and I’m not your mother. Come on, you look beautiful and noble to me.

Carol: The trouble is, you don’t think you are.

Mike: That’s right. It’s your belief in yourself that counts, you know. You are what you think you are.

Marcia: You mean, if I think I’m beautiful and noble, then I will be beautiful and noble?

Mike: That’s right, if you believe it, everybody else will believe it, too.

Carol: Think about it, Marcia. And you can give your answer to Ms. Goodwin in the morning. Okay?

(They leave the room. Marcia sits down and goes to the mirror, then she closes her eyes.)

Marcia: Marcia Brady, you’re noble and beautiful. (She opens her eyes) Baloney.

(Greg is downstairs having a glass of milk and speaking to Alice.)

Greg: Alice, did you ever do any acting while you were in school?

Alice: Did I ever do any acting? You know, I played the title role in our senior class play. Critics said it was the most unusual performance part they’ve ever seen.

Greg: What part was it?

Alice: Julius Caesar. It was an all-girl school.

Greg (laughing): Looks like an all-boy school doing Little Women.

(Alice sits down to a glass of milk with Greg.)

Alice: Oh yeah, yeah. Oh, it was a lot of fun, though. Marcia’s gonna be missing an awful lot if she’s not in the school play.

Greg: I don’t get what her problem is, she’d make a great Juliet.

Alice: I know exactly what her problem is.

Greg: What?

(Peter, Bobby and Jan are putting a jigsaw puzzle together on the floor and overhear Alice.)

Alice: It’s psychological. It’s a mental block, caused by her lack of confidence in herself.

Greg: Wow, that’s really deep. How did you figure that out?

Alice: Your mom and dad told me.

(Greg laughs.)

Greg: I just don’t get it. I mean, Marcia’s really a very groovy girl.

Alice: Well, you know she’s groovy, and I know she’s groovy. But she doesn’t know she’s groovy.

(The younger kids are still listening.)

Greg: It’s weird she can’t see herself as others see her.

Alice: I know one way that might open her eyes.

Greg: What?

Alice: A few words from your mouth to her ear. If you tell her what you think she might begin to believe it herself.

(The next scene has Marcia in the bathroom washing her face when Bobby and Cindy come in to see her.)

Marcia: I’m not through, yet. (they stand there and stare at her. She turns around.) Well.

Bobby: You sure look pretty, Marcia.

Cindy: And groovy too.

(They leave and Marcia turns around to look in the mirror.)

Marcia: They’re out of their minds.

(Next, Marcia is on her bed doing homework and Peter and Jan come to see her.)

Peter: Marcia, can we have a little help?

Jan: We’re having trouble with our lines for the play.

Marcia: Sure, what’s the problem?

Jan: Well, Peter’s got hark down pretty good, but I’m having trouble with my line.

Marcia: Well, let’s hear you say it.

Jan: Well, that’s just it. I don’t know quite how to say it. Should I say, who goes there, who goes there or who goes there? See what I mean?

Marcia: Just say it plain. Who goes there.

Peter (pleased): Hey, that’s it!

Jan: Oh, gee, thanks Marcia, you’re a terrific actress.

Peter: Come on, let’s practice before we forget how she said it.

Jan: Yeah, okay.

Peter: Hark.

Jan: Who goes there? Is that right?

Marcia: Yeah.

Jan: Oh, gee, thanks, you’re a terrific actress.

(They leave.)

Marcia (to herself): Terrific actress?

(Greg comes in from the bathroom.)

Greg: You got a minute, Marcia?

Marcia: Sure, what do you want?

Greg (sitting down with her): Do you know of a guy named Lloyd Leeds?

Marcia: No, I don’t think so.

Greg: Well, he sure knows you.

Marcia: He does?

Greg: Yeah, he’s in my English class. He wants to meet you.

Marcia: Me, why?

Greg: Obviously he thinks you’re a really groovy chick.

Marcia (excited): A high school boy really thinks I’m groovy?

Greg: A lot of people think you’re groovy.

Marcia: Honest?

Greg: I even think you’re groovy. For a sister, that is.

(He gets up and leaves.)

Marcia: Thanks, Greg.

(She smiles and returns to her homework. Then she gets up and goes to the mirror, while all the things her family said go through her mind.)

(Next, she is downstairs getting ready to leave for school. She is in a much chipper mood.)

Marcia (to Alice and Carol): Good morning.

Carol: Oh, good morning, honey.

(She kisses her good morning and hands her a glass of orange juice.)

Marcia: It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it.

Alice: Lovely.

Marcia: Mom, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since last night.

Carol: And?

Marcia: Well, I never thought I was the Juliet type, but everybody else thinks I am.

Carol: Well, you are.

Alice (dramatically): Right, a rose by any other name (back to her normal voice) is still 10 bucks a dozen.

Marcia: I think I can do it. I’m going to be Juliet.

Carol: Oh, Marcia, I’m so glad. And your father is going to be so happy.

Marcia: You know, he said you are what you think you are. So from now on, I’m beautiful and noble. I’m Juliet.

(She energetically runs out of the kitchen, while Bobby passes by her.)

Bobby: Wow, what was that?

Carol: That was the power of positive thinking.

(Next, Jan and Peter are rehearsing their lines in the living rooms.)

Peter: Hark!

Jan: Who goes there?

Peter: Well, what do you think?

Jan: Not bad, I guess.

Peter: I think we should do it meaner.

Jan: Yeah, let’s do it again only meaner.

(Mike walks in and they repeat their lines.)

Mike: It’s I, your father, I bring secret documents to the Brady house.

Peter: How do we sound, Dad?

Jan: Are we fierce enough?

Mike: Gosh, I thought for sure I was a goner there. (He puts his briefcase down on the chair) Where’s your mama?

Jan: She’s in the kitchen.

Mike: Okay, troops, carry on the good work.

(He heads to the kitchen.)

Peter: Hark!

Jan: Who goes there?

(Mike finds Carol in the kitchen watching Marcia rehearse with Harold, who was cast as Romeo.)

Mike: Hi, honey. (She shushes him) Home from work early but you don’t have to keep it a secret. (She shushes him again) Why are we whispering?

Carol: Because Marcia and Harold Axelrod are rehearsing their lines.

Mike: Who’s Harold Axelrod?

Carol (annoyed): Romeo.

(He goes closer and watches them.)

Mike (to Carol): Romeo wears glasses?

(They rehearse a few more lines and Marcia reminds him of something.)

Marcia: It says you’re supposed to kiss Juliet.

(Harold checks it on the script, then balks.)

Harold: Uh, I got to go now, Marcia. But thanks, a lot, you were super.

Marcia (in dramatic tone): Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night, till it be morrow.

(She puts her hand up for Harold to kiss it.)

Harold (shaking her hand): You’re really great.

Marcia: I am?

Harold: You really are Juliet.

(Mike and Carol look from the kitchen in delight. Next, Marcia is in the bathroom. She is combing her hair in the mirror.)

Marcia: You are Juliet. You’re noble and beautiful.

Jan (shouting from outside): You’re also hogging the bathroom!

(She and Cindy are banging on the door, as are Peter and Bobby, asking her to let them use it. Greg comes in the room.)

Greg: Hey, hey, hey, hey. What’s all the noise.

Bobby (angry): Juliet won’t let us in!

Peter: She thinks it’s her private buff.

Greg: Ah, she’s getting worse and worse since we told her she was noble and beautiful. (She knocks on the door) Come on, Marcia, some of us peasants want to get in here.

Marcia (opening the door): Greg, I agree.

Greg: That you’re hogging the bathroom?

Marcia: No, that you’re peasants.

(Next, the girls are in their bedroom.)

Marcia: I need more closet space, children.

(Jan is helping Cindy with her homework and Marcia moves their clothes to give herself more space.)

Jan: Marcia, what are you doing to my dresses? They’re all smushed up!

Cindy: Mine are even smushier.

Marcia: There’s no such word as smush. Besides, mine have to look perfect.

Jan: What’s so special about your dresses?

Marcia: Everywhere I go at school, people are always looking at me, I’m Juliet.

Jan: Well I’m in the play too, you know.

Marcia: Just one line. It’s different with me, I’m the star.

Jan: Well la di da.

Cindy: What does that mean?

Jan: It mans that Marcia’s getting to be a pain in the neck. (Cindy repeats her) You’re not gonna go around messing up my dresses, Marcia.

(They all get into a big argument and Mike and Carol come in.)

Mike: Hey!

Carol: Girls!

Mike: What’s all the commotion about?

Cindy: Marcia’s trying to hog up the closet.

Jan: And not only that, we can’t even talk around here. We have to be quiet so the star can study her lines.

Marcia: I am the star.

(Jan and Cindy yell at her and it leads to another argument.)

Carol: Girls, girls, you’re supposed to be loving sisters, remember.

Marcia: I can’t help it if I have to practice my lines. Everybody wanted me to be in the play.

Carol: That’s right, Marcia.

Mike: But you’re not the first lady of the American Theater. Now listen, girls, being the lead in the play is a strain. Can’t you co-operate with Marcia?

Carol: Now, come on and behave, okay.

(They leave the room and Marcia gloats.)

Marcia: I think I better rehearse my lines now. You and Cindy study in the family room.

(Jan and Cindy stop at the boys’ room.)

Jan: I just thought I’d tell you not to breathe too loud. Her majesty is rehearsing her lines.

Greg: Oh, no, she’s really getting to be too much.

Bobby: Yeah, we can’t even get in the bathroom till 3 o’clock in the morning.

Peter: It sure was a swell idea convincing Marcia how great she was.

Jan: Yeah, what have we done?

Greg: I’ll tell you what we’ve done, we created a small, blonde Frankenstein.

Bobby: Yeah, my sister, the monster.

(He makes a funny impression of a monster as the scene fades.)

untitled marcia and harold

(The next scene has Carol on the phone with a Mr. Schultz.)

Carol: Well, the school really appreciates it, Mr. Schultz. Mmm hmm. Well, let’s see (she looks in the newspaper) your ad will appear on page three in the play program. Yes, Romeo and Juliet. Thank you very much, we really appreciate it, Mr. Schultz. Bye. (She hangs up the phone) Well (to Alice) that’s another ad from the play program from Schultz’s delicatessen.

Alice: What a combination, Shakespherian salami.

(Peter comes in.)

Peter: Mom, where’s Marcia? She’s supposed to help me clean up the garage.

Carol: Well, I think she’s upstairs in her room. Why don’t you go up and remind her.

Peter (making hand gestures): Hark, who goes there?

(He goes upstairs.)

Carol (to Alice): Hark, what was that?

(They laugh. Peter finds Marcia in her bedroom combing her hair.)

Peter: Are you brushing your hair again?

Marcia: I have to brush it 100 times, three times a day. That’s what makes it beautiful.

Peter: You’re gonna brush it right off your head.

Marcia: Is that what you came in to tell me?

Peter: No, I want to remind your of your share of the work around here.

Marcia: Me?

Peter: Yeah, you. You’re supposed to help me clean out the garage.

Marcia: Do I have to remind you that I’m the star of the school play. Juliet wouldn’t do such menial labor.

Peter: Oh boy, Marcia, your head has gotten so big, I don’t think there’s even room for us in the same garage.

(He leaves the room. Next, Marcia is rehearsing with Harold while the other kids make fun of her.)

Marcia (in dramatic tone): Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo. Deny thy father and refuse thy name. Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I’ll no longer be a Capulet.

Harold: Shall I hear more? Or shall I speak of this?

(Jan and Cindy are standing at the door to the kitchen, while Greg and Bobby are over at the window.)

Jan (to Cindy): It’s a wonder she lets him speak at all.

Marcia: Ignore them, Harold. (back to rehearsal) Tis but my name that is my enemy. (Bobby mimics her line. She closes the curtains on him.) These kids have no regard for Shakespeare. (to Bobby) Pardon me with such sweet sorrow.  (She then goes to Jan and Cindy) And you two stay out of here too. We need to rehearse, alone. (She shuts the door) Okay, let’s take it from is it thy hand. (She goes back to rehearsal) Is it thy hand, thy foot, thy arm, thy face.

Harold: I take thee thy word, call me but love…

Marcia: No, say it like this (more dramatic) Call thee but love.

Harold: Well, okay, call thee but love…

Marcia: No, Harold, that’s not the way I said to do it.

Harold: Well Marcia, don’t you think it’s better if you do your part your way and let me  do mine my way?

Marcia (angry): Not if it’s gonna ruin the play!

Harold: Gee, I don’t think I’m ruining the play.

Marcia: You will if you do Romeo like that.

(She starts to walk out.)

Harold: Where are you going?

Marcia: You’re acting like a child and I refuse to rehearse with a child!

Harold: I’m gonna be 15! That’s the same age as the real Romeo was.

Marcia: That Romeo was mature. I’m gonna rehearse with a mature Romeo.

(She leaves and Harold is left with an upset look on his face. We next see Marcia at the staircase, rehearsing with Mike and Carol.)

Marcia (dramatically): Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo. Deny thy father and forgive his name.

Carol: Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

Marcia: Deny thy father and refuse thy name. Or if  not, I’ll forget that I’m a Capulet.

Mike (laughing): Wait a minute, honey. You’re forgetting I’ll no longer be a Capulet.

Carol: And the line is, Marcia, or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I’ll no longer be a Capulet.

Marcia (abruptly): What’s the difference?

Mike: Well, you’re changing a lot of words, Marcia.

Marcia: I just don’t feel right saying them the other way.

Carol: But if you change the words, you also change the meaning.

Marcia: I have to say them word for word?

Mike: I think it would be a little difficult to improve on Shakespeare, don’t you?

Marcia: But what’s more important than the feeling and the instinct of an actress?

Carol: Honey, even the greatest actresses in the world doesn’t change Shakespeare.

Marcia: Well, I’m going to.

Mike (firmly): Now, wait a second, Marcia. You’re being a little silly about this. Now you’re being carried away.

Marcia (bitterly): You don’t understand about acting, and Harold doesn’t either. That’s why I refused to rehearse with him.

Carol: Is that why he left so early?

Marcia: I wish he would leave the play, we could use another Romeo. Well, I guess I had enough rehearsal tonight.

(She goes to her room.)

Carol (to Mike): You can judge an actress by her temperament, but I think she’s about ready for an Oscar.

Mike: First the part was a little too big for her, now I think, maybe, she’s a little too big for the part.

(The next scene has Marcia at school rehearsing with the rest of the cast.)

Ms. Goodwin: All right, children, places please. now when I say curtains, all the guests will come on. All right.? ready, and, curtains.

(The kids come out and take their places. Harold and Marcia start rehearsing.)

Harold: Please, Juliet, move not. (He walks toward her) While the prayers defect I take, thus from my lips, by thine,  my sin is purged.

(She gives him her hand for him to kiss, but his hat falls off when he takes it.)

Marcia (annoyed): Harold, you’re so clumsy!

Harold (looking for his hat): I can’t help it, my mask is in the way.

Ms. Goodwin: Harold, do you think you can do the scene without your glasses.

Harold: If I do, Ms. Goodwin, I may never find Juliet.

Ms. Goodwin: Well, let’s try it anyway. (Marcia walks away while Harold hands Ms. Goodwin his glasses) Okay Harold, let’s go back to have not saint.

(Carol arrives and is looking on behind the curtain.)

Harold: Have not saints lips and holy palmers too.

Marcia (from the balcony): I, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.

Harold: Where did she go?

Ms. Goodwin: Marcia, what are you dong up there? We didn’t stage it that way.

Marcia: I just felt like moving.

Ms. Goodwin: We staged this play very carefully, Marcia. Now it’s not fair to the others to do something unexpected.

Marcia: Ms. Goodwin, I’m only trying to improve the play. Is it wrong to try to improve it?

Ms. Goodwin: Well, get down from here anyway. (Marcia angrily gets down from the balcony) harold, Harold, now go back again to have not saints lips.

Harold: Have not saints lips. (Marcia goes back to her original position but Harold’s back is to her) Have not saints lips and holy palmers too. (Marcia motions him to her direction) Oh, there you are.

Marcia: Saints do not move thou grant for prayers sake.

Ms. Goodwin: You skipped a line, Marcia.

Marcia: I’m sorry, Ms. Goodwin, but with all these distractions, it’s hard to concentrate.

Harold (whining): What did I do now, Marcia?

Marcia (petulantly): If you could keep your voice from squeaking it would be a help.

Harold: I quit squeaking last year.

Ms. Goodwin: All right, children. Marcia, I don’t think you should blame Harold for your own mistakes.

Marcia: Yes, Ms. Goodwin.

Ms. Goodwin: That’s enough rehearsal for today.

(Marcia, Harold and the other kids leave. Carol, who heard the entire scene from behind the curtain, approaches Ms. Goodwin.)

Carol: Ms. Goodwin.

Ms. Goodwin: Oh, hello, Mrs. Brady, I didn’t know you were here.

Carol: I just came by to show you the final layouts of the program, but, I can see you have a much bigger problem.

Ms. Goodwin: I’m afraid so.

Carol: Well, my husband and I have tried to reason with Marcia but…

Ms. Goodwin: Oh, she can do the part just fine if only she…

Carol: If only she didn’t think she was junior high’s answer to Sarah Bernhardt.

Ms. Goodwin: And we don’t have much time. There are only a few more rehearsals before the play goes on.

Carol: Well, I, think we have to do something about it, Ms. Goodwin. Let’s hope it’s the right thing.

(Next, Marcia is in her room combing her hair when Carol comes in to speak to her.)

Carol: Marcia.

Marcia: Yes, Mother.

Carol: I, sent the final program to the printers this afternoon.

Marcia: I wish Harold’s name wasn’t in it, he was awful at rehearsal today.

Carol: Well Marcia, I’m afraid your name is not going to be in it.

Marcia: What do you mean?

Carol: I was at the rehearsal this afternoon.

Marcia: You were?

Carol: Afterwards Mrs. Goodwin and I talked, and, we decided that for the good of the play, and for your own good, she would have to replace you.

Marcia: Replace me?

Carol: Yes, your understudy is gonna replace you.

Marcia (upset): Tina, but I’m better than her.

Carol: Marcia, it has nothing to do with you being better than her. It’s your attitude.

Marcia: What do you mean my attitude?

Carol: Well, you’ve become rude to your friends and family, you’ve become impossible to live with.

Marcia (flustered): Mom, you’re being unfair.

Carol: Marcia, I’m not blaming you. It’s not all your fault. We encouraged you, but, you let it go to your head.

Marcia (on the verge of tears): You don’t understand, Mom.

Carol: Marcia, I do understand, but you brought all of this on yourself. I’m sorry.

(She leaves the room)

Marcia: Mom!

(Marcia starts crying. Next, Carol and Alice are helping Jan and Peter with their costumes for the play.)

Alice (to Peter): Yeah, that’s gonna do it.

Peter: Thanks, Alice.

Carol: Now listen, you kids hang these up carefully. You hear?

Jan: We will, thanks, Mom. Thanks for fixing it.

Peter: Hark!

Jan: Who goes there?

(They repeat themselves and run out of the family room. Mike comes in.)

Mike: Marcia change her mind about some food?

Carol: No, dear. And I can’t blame her for not being hungry.

(The phone rings. Mike answers.)

Mike: Hello. Yes. Yes, just a second. (to Carol) Honey, it’s for you, it’s Ms. Goodwin.

Carol: Well, I hope she’s got some good news. We can sure use some around here. (She gets up and goes to the phone) Hello Ms. Goodwin. Oh, that’s a shame. Gee, I’m sorry but I already sent the program to the printers. If I think of someone I’ll call you right away, sure. Bye. (to Mike and Alice) Lady Capulet has the mumps, she can’t play the part.

Mike: Hope she doesn’t give it to the whole town of Verona.

Alice: If she does it will be the lumpiest cast in history.

Carol: Well, I just hope it’s not too late to get someone else for the part.

(Marcia appears.)

Marcia: Mom. Do you think they’ll let me do it? (Pause) I’ll learn the lines real fast, word for word, and I won’t cause any trouble, I promise.

(The adults ponder before Carol gives an naswer.)

Carol: Well, it’s a very small part and not very glamorous. You’d be playing the part of Juliet’s mother.

Marcia: That’s okay.

Carol: Welcome back to the play, honey.

(She gives her a hug.)

Alice: Well, let’s hear it for Lady Capulet.

(They clap and the scene fades.)

untitled causing trouble

(The final scene has the family coming home from the play. Carol and Mike send the kids upstairs to bed.)

Alice (to Carol): Oh, I really enjoyed that.

Carol: I’m so proud, I tell you.

Alice: Romeo and Juliet is such a sad play.

Carol: Yeah.

Mike: It’s no musical comedy.

Carol: Alice, which part do you think was the saddest?

Alice: Well, the part where Romeo died is sad. The part where Juliet died was sad, too. (She sighs) But I think the saddest part of all was when Jan said who goes there before Peter said hark.

(Carol and Mike and go upstairs. Alice goes to her room.)

Carol: Good night, Alice. See you in the morning.

images hark who goes there

                                      THE END

 

 

S3 E6 The Personality Kid

untitled octopus

The Personality Kid

Written by Ben Starr

Peter is convinced he has no personality. I hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

KATHY, Marcia’s friend

KYLE, girl at Peter’s party

JUDY, another girl at party

SUSIE, another girl at party

BOYS at party

(The episode begins with Peter outside, coming home from a party. Bobby and Cindy are in the kitchen with Mike and Carol, learning about safety infractions. They show them some plugs they put in the outlet.)

Bobby: See, it’s one of these.

Mike: Boy, it sure is.

Cindy: It’s called an octopus.

Bobby: See why?

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: It certainly looks like an octopus.

Cindy: It’s very dangerous. The teacher talked about it in class.

Bobby: It tells all about it in the home safety drive stuff.

(He shows Mike a pamphlet.)

Mike (reading): Any wall receptacle with more than two appliances being used at one time is an overload, and it can overheat.

Cindy: Ms. Barnaby says that’s why we’re having this home safety drive.

Bobby: Let’s go look upstairs.

(Mike cautions them.)

Mike: Listen, those sockets are full of electric current.

Carol: So be careful.

Mike (to Carol): This home inspection thing is a good idea.

Carol: Yeah, I think so.

(Alice comes out to the kitchen.)

Alice: Inspection completed. You can tell the kids my room is 100% safe.

Mike: Yep, so is the kitchen.

Carol: Now that we’ve gotten rid of the octopus.

Alice: Oh, good. (She suddenly realizes) Octopus?

(Peter comes in through the front door. Mike and Carol see him.)

Mike: Peter, what are you doing home so early?

Carol: Why did you leave Jane’s party?

Peter: Well, something happened.

(He starts heading up the stairs.)

Mike: Pete, what happened?

Peter: I don’t wanna talk about it.

(He goes upstairs.)

Carol (to Mike): Well, something happened at that party.

(They go up the stairs and the scene fades out.)

untitled mirror mirror on the wall

(Peter is up in his room, sitting at the desk with his chin dragging. Mike and Carol come in.)

Mike: Hey, what happened at the party?

Peter: If you really wanna know, nothing.

Carol: Nothing?

Peter: Nothing! Nobody talked to me all night.

Mike: Ah, go on, you’re exaggerating.

Peter: Well, one guy did. He said…

Mike: What did he say?

Peter: He said I have no personality.

Carol: No personality?

(Peter gets up and walks to the mirror.)

Peter: See? Nothing, zero. Let’s face it, I’m dull.

Carol: That’s ridiculous.

Mike: Sure it is. You have a good personality.

Peter: Parents have to say junk like that.

Mike: Now Peter, you know that isn’t so.

Mike: Turn around. (He directs him to the mirror) Look in there and tell me what you see.

Peter: Same as before, dull me.

Mike: You know what I see? I see a fella who had a crummy time at a party, that’s all. Just like his pop used to have when he was his age, hmm?

Carol: And like your mother still has at certain lunches. (She kisses his cheek) You’ll feel much better after you have a good night sleep.

Mike: Your mom’s right. This won’t seem like such a big thing in the morning.

Carol (handing him his jacket): Good night, and don’t forget to hang that up, okay?

(They leave the room and Mike closes the door. Peter looks himself in the mirror.)

Peter (to himself): Boy, are you dull.

(The next scene have Bobby and Cindy going over another safety technique with Carol.)

Carol: Well, I hope these are the right kind of plugs.

Bobby: Just the kind the teacher said to get, instead of that old octopus.

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: You know that all last night I dreamt about octopuses, octopussies, octopoo?

(She walks away to put towels away. Mike leaves for a golf game.)

Mike (to Carol): Good bye, darling.

(He kisses her.)

Carol: Oh, bye, honey. Have a good day. Good luck.

Bobby: Wait a minute, Dad.

Mike: Fore, fore, fore!

Bobby: We still have a lot more to do on our safety campaign.

Cindy: Here’s a whistle.

Mike: What am I supposed to do with it?

Bobby: You blow it.

Mike: I know you blow it, for what reason?

Cindy: A fire drill! We have to have a fire drill.

Bobby: Our teacher said we have to practice getting out of the house real fast.

Mike: Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to do right now. Look, we’ll have one when I get back, I promise. Good bye.

(Meanwhile, Peter is upstairs with Greg.)

Peter: I don’t wanna talk about it!

(He gets down from his top bunk and sits on Greg’s bed. Greg sits on a chair to speak to him.)

Greg: Pete, hey Pete, well listen, if you can’t tell me, what are brothers for? Now come on, what’s bugging you?

Peter: Well, last night I found out I haven’t got something everybody else has.

Greg; What?

Peter: It’s something important.

Greg: What?

Peter: Something real important.

Greg: Tell me, will ya?

Peter: A personality. I don’t have a personality.

Greg: You don’t have a what?

Peter: I’m dull, D-U-L-L.

Greg: For crying out loud, that’s stupid. S-T-U-P-I-D.

Peter: No it’s not. I’m so dull, I’m almost invisible.

Greg: Come on, Pete, you’re not dull. There are lots of guys duller than you.

Pete: Who?

Greg: Well, there’s, (Pause) I’ll think of somebody.

(The next scene has Mike coming home and Bobby and Cindy come out to greet him.)

Mike: Ho ho.

Cindy (handing him a whistle): Just blow right in here.

Mike (laughing): Okay, okay, we’ll have a fire drill.

(Bobby and Cindy jump for joy and they go inside the house. He conducts a fire drill but has the family believing it is a surprise.)

Mike: Okay, everybody ready? (They all say yes) Remember, I’m going to time us. Oh, try to act like you don’t know it’s coming, see. Go about your everyday business, do what you’re doing, because it’s got to be natural.

Carol (calling): Mike, would you blow the whistle!

Mike: Okay.

(He blows. Everybody comes down the stairs as quickly as they can, all except Peter. Alice meets them outside with an uncooked chicken in her hand.)

Carol: Alice, what are you doing out here with that chicken?

Alice: Oh, well, Mr. Brady said to go ahead and do whatever we were doing.

Carol (laughing): Oh, Alice.

Alice: Besides, if there had been a real fire, it would have been too well done in there.

Mike (looking at his watch): Listen, considering this was our first fire drill, we didn’t do too badly. 21 seconds.

Carol: Hey, good, huh?

Bobby: Next time the fire drill has to be a surprise, right, Dad?

Mike: That’s what I was trying to tell you at the bottom of the…

Carol (interrupting): Right, Mike. Next time we’re not gonna get any warning.

Alice (to the kitchen): Hear that, kid? Next time, you’re on your own.

(She goes back in the house, as do Mike and Carol.)

Marcia: Why didn’t Peter come down?

Cindy: That’s against the rules.

Bobby: Mom said he didn’t have to.

Greg: Pete’s down in the dumps about something.

Jan: What?

Greg: Well, the other night at the party, some guy told him he was dull, that he had no personality.

Jan: And Pete believed him?

Marcia: That’s silly.

Greg: Well, that just goes to show you, if you aren’t too careful of what you say, you can sure hurt somebody’s feelings.

(Greg and Bobby go inside.)

Marcia: Maybe there’s a way he can help Peter.

Jan: Yeah, but how?

Cindy: Yeah, how?

Marcia: Well, if one person can say something to make someone feel bad, then maybe another person can say something to make them feel good.

(The next day, Peter comes home from school, with Marcia and her friend Kathy waiting for him.)

Marcia (to Kathy): Here he comes. (They sit down a nd pretend to look at magazines) Just don’t be too obvious Kathy, Peter’s pretty sharp.

(Peter comes in.)

Marcia: Hi.

Kathy: Hello, Peter.

Peter: Hi.

Marcia: Pete, what’s that science fiction movie you were talking about? The one that’s on this week?

Peter: The invasion of the potato people.

Marcia: That’s it.

Kathy: What’s it about?

Peter: Oh, just a dumb old science fiction movie.

Kathy: Thank you, Peter. That was very considerate of you.

Peter: What was? I didn’t do anything?

Kathy: You took the trouble to help us. Attractive boys aren’t usually so nice.

Marcia: You’re right. What’s the movie about, Pete?

Peter: Oh, just a drippy old scientist.

Kathy: That sounds so exciting!

Peter: Exciting?

Kathy: The way you say it, I guess. (to Marcia) You know, he has such a way with words.

Peter: I do?

Kathy: Well us more.

Peter: Well, the scientist is trying to protect the earth from these terrible potato people.

Kathy: Oh, you make it sound so scary.

Marcia: Do the potato people look like potatoes?

Peter: Yeah, they got eyes all over them. They’re trying to plant themselves in the earth and take it over.

Kathy: I could die, he’s too much!

Peter: They’re kind of an icky dirt color, and they’ve got these sprouts sticking on top of the potato heads.

Kathy: I’ve got goosebumps the way you tell it! He’s so forceful, and what a memory!

Peter: The best part is when the scientist hides behind a rock, like this. (He goes behind a chair) He’s trying to wipe out the potato people. He injects the ground with a secret chemical…

(He hides behind the chair and Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Is Peter home form school yet?

Marcia (angry): Cindy!

(She points to the chair.)

Cindy: Did Kathy trick him yet? did it make him feel better?

(Peter comes out from the chair.)

Peter (upset): What do you mean trick me?

Cindy: Sorry, Marcia.

(She runs away embarrassed. Peter gets angry and leaves.)

Marcia: We were only trying to help, Pete.

Kathy: You really did make the story sound exciting.

(Peter goes in his room and looks himself in the mirror.)

Peter: Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who’s the dullest one of all.

(He points to himself as the scene fades.)

untitled trick peter

(In the next scene, Mike and Carol are in the living room and the telephone rings.)

Carol (answering): Hello. Yes he is. May I tell Peter who’s calling? Oh sure, Peggy, hold on a minute.

Mike (calling): Peter! (He calls a little louder) PETER! (He comes down the stairs) Telephone for you.

Peter: Who is it?

Carol: It’s Peggy.

Peter (getting on the phone): Hi, Peggy. When’s the party? Wait a minute, let me check. (He ponders for a few seconds) Sorry, I’m doing something that night. Thanks anyway, bye.

Carol (shocked): Peter, why did you do that?

Peter: Well, how would you like to be the fourth guy asked to a party?

Mike: What difference does it make? First, fourth, or whatever,

Peter: Well, anyway, I don’t care if I go or not. I’m just plain dull at parties.

Carol: Peter, if you were as dull as you think you are, would anybody invite you to a party?

Peter: I don’t think I’m dull, I know I’m dull.

Carol: Well, I just think you decided to feel sorry for yourself and enjoy it.

Mike: You know, I’m disappointed in you. You’re quitting. That’s not how you cope with problems. Stop moping around. If you don’t like your personality, improve it, change it.

(Later on, Peter is in his room looking at the mirror. Mike’s advice about changing his personality gets played again in his head.)

Peter: Dad’s right, but change it to what?

(He turns on the television and sees a movie, one that featured an Englishman and woman. The man and woman are trading romantic lines. Peter gets up, goes to the mirror and repeats to himself what was said.)

Peter: You suave, hypnotic charmer.

(The next scene has Bobby going upstairs and Mike about to conduct another fire drill.)

Mike: Bobby,  go on upstairs. You’re not supposed to know.

Bobby (whispering): It’s a surprise fire drill, right?

Mike: Yeah, it’s a surprise fire drill. So go on upstairs. (Bobby goes upstairs) and pretend you don’t know.

(Bobby goes in his room and Mike is ready to blow the whistle. However, Alice comes from the kitchen.)

Alice: I love surprises.

(Mike blows and all the kids, with the exception of Peter,  run down the stairs and go outside, where they are joined by Alice and Carol.)

Mike: Well, I don’t know. Peter’s not here yet.

Carol: Oh, where is he?

(Peter comes out with an umbrella in hand.)

Peter (mocking a British accent): Top of the day, old chaps.

Cindy: What’s the umbrella for?

Bobby: There aren’t even any clouds.

Greg: Peter, what’s the joke?

Peter: Joke? it’s my new personality. Don’t you like it?

(They laugh.)

Carol: Well, Peter, it.

Peter (discouraged): You don’t like it.

(He walks away unhappily. We next see Peter watching another movie in his room, supposedly one with Humphrey Bogart. After a few dialogues, Peter tucked his teeth below his lip, goes to the mirror and does an impression of Bogart.)

Peter (lisping): If you want me sweetheart, just whistle?

(Peter goes to the kitchen, where Carol and Alice are preparing dinner. He tries to do his imitation on them.)

Peter (lisping): Hi, Mom. Hi, Alice. What’s for dinner?

Carol: Pork chops.

Peter: Pork chops, huh? What else?

Alice: Apple sauce.

Peter: Pork chops and apple sauce, isn’t that swell?

Carol: Have you got something stuck in your teeth?

Peter: Why do you say that?

Mike (coming in the door): Hi honey, I’m home.

(She comes out to greet him.)

Peter (to Alice): You say we’re having pork chops and applesauce for dinner?

Alice: Yes.

Peter: That’s swell.

(Cut to the family room.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart.

(They hug and kiss.)

Mike: What’s for dinner?

Carol (lisping): Pork chops and apple sauce.

Mike: Huh?

Carol: Pork chops and applesauce. Isn’t that swell?

Mike: I think you need a vacation.

Carol: Guess who’s coming to dinner.

Mike: A psychiatrist, I hope.

Carol: No, I think it’s Humphrey Bogart. I’m not sure.

(Peter comes out to see Mike.)

Peter: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hi, Peter.

Peter: We’re having pork chops and applesauce.

Mike (laughing): Hey Pete, that’s pretty good. Of course, there’s only one Humphrey Bogart. I doubt whether they’ll ever be another one.

Peter (talking in his normal voice): You don’t like this new personality either?

Carol: Oh well, that’s just the trouble, Peter. it’s not your new personality, it’s Humphrey Bogart’s old one.

Peter: All the great personalities belong to somebody else.

Mike: Well, why don’t you try to stop trying to imitate other people and just develop your own personality.

Peter: It’s not going to be easy.

(He feels more discouraged and goes upstairs.)

Carol (to Mike): I hope there’s not an old Dracula movie on TV tonight.

Mike (in a Transylvanian accent): Why, you don’t like Dracula? Let me kiss your lily white neck.

(He starts to slobber on her neck.)

Carol (laughing): Mike, cut that out. You know I can’t stand it!

(Next, Mike is showing Carol a new sketch he made in his den.)

Mike: See, I added a central courtyard here to handle all the traffic flow.

Carol: Gee, I think that’s very attractive.

Mike: Yeah, I think that helps.

(He sips his coffee and Peter knocks at the door.)

Carol: Oh, come on in, Peter.

Peter: Well, if you’re busy, I can come back.

Mike: No, it’s okay, Pete. Come on in.

Peter: Well, I was wondering, would you like to hear a joke?

Mike: A joke?

Carol: Well, sure.

Peter: It’s probably not too funny.

Carol: Well, why don’t you try it and see.

Peter: You don’t have to laugh if you don’t feel like it.

Mike: Let us be the judge. Let’s hear it.

Peter: You know why horses can’t go to college?

Mike: No, why can’t horses go to college?

Peter: Because they can’t finish high school.

(Mike and Carol laugh.)

Carol: Where did you hear that?

Peter: I got it out of a joke book I bought.

Mike: That’s pretty good. You got another one?

Peter: Yeah. If teachers are so smart, how come they’re still in school?

(Before he can deliver the punchline, Alice comes in.)

Alice: More coffee, what’s so funny?

Carol: Oh, Peter’s really telling us some good jokes.

Alice: Oh, I love a joke.

Mike: Go ahead, tell another one.

Peter: Well, these two guys meet on a corner, and one guy says to the other, my brother just got a job making switches for the electric company. And the other guy says is it steady work? And the first guy says, no, it’s just off and on.

(They all laugh, especially Alice. Next, Peter is in the kitchen telling Greg, Bobby and Alice another joke.)

Peter: Do you know what’s gray and stamps out jungle fires?

Greg: No, what’s gray and stamps out jungle fires.

Peter: Smokey the elephant.

(They laugh. He is next telling the girls a joke.)

Peter: Tell me. What do you get when you cross a parrot and a tiger?

Marcia: I don’t know. What do you get when you cross a parrot and a tiger?

Peter: I don’t know either, but when it talks, you better listen.

(They laugh hysterically. Mike and Carol are in bed discussing the kids.)

Mike: How are the kids coming with the safety campaign?

Carol: Oh, we must have the safest house in the country by now.

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: The only thing left are seat belts for the dining room chairs.

Mike (laughing): Don’t give that idea to the kids. (They hear a knock on the door) Come in.

Peter (entering the room): Can I talk to you for a minute?

Carol: Sure, what is it, Peter?

Peter: Well, I wanted to ask you something. Can I have a party?

Mike: A party? Okay, it’s all right with me if it’s all right with your mom.

Carol: Sure, I don’t mind.

Peter: Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.

Carol: What’s the occasion?

Peter: I just want to tell a few jokes and let everybody see my new personality.

Mike: You’re coming out of your shell, that’s good.

Peter: Well, now that I’ve got that great new personality, why should I waste it on just the family?

(He leaves.)

Carol: You know, Mike, I think Peter’s jokes are kind of cute, but maybe the kids he invites to the party won’t.

Mike: Honey, kids usually like those kind of jokes. Besides, he’s finally enthusiastic about something. It’s important.

Carol: Well, I guess you’re right. Who knows? maybe Bob Hope started.

(She laughs and pokes him. The next scene has Peter’s party in progress, with several friends in attendance, along with Greg and Marcia. Bobby and Cindy are watching from upstairs, as they were excluded.)

Peter (shouting): Hey, everybody, wanna hear a joke?

(All the kids shout approval and gather around him.)

Peter: Okay, this man walks into a restaurant and he says to the waiter, do you serve crabs? And the waiter says…

Boy#1: Sit down, we serve anyone.

(All the kids laugh. Mike, Carol and Alice hear them from the kitchen.)

Carol: Hey, listen, he’s really killing them.

Mike: My son, the comedian.

Carol: Yeah.

(Cut back to the party.)

Peter: I guess you all heard that one. Well, how about this one? This lady goes to the doctor and she says, Doctor, when I get well, will I be able to play the violin? And the doctor said, of course, and the lady said, that’s great…

Boy #2: Because I never played it before.

(The kids laugh. The grownups hear and think Peter is succeeding with his newfound personality.)

Mike; He’s really knocking them dead.

Carol: Well, I was right. Another Bob Hope.

(Peter comes in the kitchen, feeling discouraged.)

Alice: Sounds like everybody’s having a ball, Peter.

Peter: Yeah, some ball.

Mike: What’s the matter? We hear them laughing.

Peter: Sure, every time I start to tell a joke, someone else tells the punchline.

(He grabs some chips and brings them out. Then he sits at the bottom of the stairs, feeling sorry for himself. Kyle, a guest at his party, comes to speak to him.)

Kyle: What’s the matter, Peter?

Peter: Nothing.

Kyle: Then why are you sitting by yourself? That’s what you did last week at Jane’s party.

Peter: I don’t wanna ruin everybody’s fun, I’m too dull.

Kyle: You’re not dull, I think you’re very nice.

Peter: You’re just saying that.

Kyle: I am not, and if you don’t believe me, ask somebody else. (to another girl) Hey, Judy, come here.

Judy: What’s up?

Kyle: Peter thinks he’s dull.

Judy: Peter, dull, that’s silly.

Kyle: That’s what I said too.

(Susie, another girl, comes by.)

Susie: Hey, what’s going on?

Judy: Peter says he’s dull. Isn’t that ridiculous?

Susie: It sure is.

(Cut back to the kitchen.)

Carol: Poor Peter. He must be miserable in there.

(All the girls at the party are surrounding Peter by now.)

Peter: Mmm, no, I’m not shy. I really am dull. Have you seen anyone duller than me?

Alice (watching): if Peter’s miserable, that’s the only way to be miserable.

(Carol and Mike come by and notice the girls flirting with Peter. At this moment, Bobby and Cindy blow their whistle to signal a fire drill.)

Bobby and Cindy: FIRE! FIRE!

(Everybody goes outside.)

Bobby (passing by Peter): How’s that for a surprise?

(Mike and Carol come up to Peter.)

Peter (bitter): What a dumb time for a fire drill, just when I was having fun with my five guests.

Carol: You had 11 guests, Peter.

Peter: Five, who counts boys?

(He goes outside with the others.)

Mike: He’s a chip off the old block, huh?

Carol: Oh, yeah, since when?

(They go outside and the scene fades.)

untitled fire drill

(The final scene has Peter helping Mike and Carol clean up the party.)

Peter: I was right all along. I am dull.

Mike: Oh, Peter, don’t start that again.

Peter; Oh, I don’t mind. I like it.

Carol: You like it?

Peter: It’s great. My personality’s making me very popular. Girls love a dull guy.

Carol: You don’t say.

Peter: Sure, they hang around you, and they try to convince you that you’re not dull. I’m the first guy invited to three parties next week.

(He goes out to the kitchen.)

Carol (to Mike): Well, looks like dull is in this year. Why don’t you change your personality, dear.

Mike (lisping): If you say so, sweetheart.

Carol (lisping): How would you like some pork chops and applesauce.

Mike: I’d rather have a kiss.

Carol: Oh, it’s the first time I ever kissed Humphrey Bogart.

(They kiss.)

                                   THE END

 

S3 E5 My Sister Benedict Arnold

untitled greg dumped

My Sister Benedict Arnold

Written by Elroy Schwartz

Marcia dates a boy who Greg despises. He, in turn, dates a girl who Marcia is not fond of. Eventually, they learn the error of their ways. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

WARREN MULLANEY

KATHY LAWRENCE

(The episode begins with Peter and Alice cleaning off a booth they are using for a school carnival. Bobby comes running out.)

Bobby: Is it ready yet?

Peter: Can’t you see we still have to decorate it?

Bobby: I mean, does the dunking part work?

Alice: Oh, you bet it does. Believe me, watch it, Pete. Believe me, if you hit that bulls-eye, (She demonstrates for him) Splat.

Bobby: Boy, this is going to be the best booth in the whole school carnival.

Alice: Step right up, folks, step right up, to the Brady booth! And for 10 cents, for the tenth part of a dollar, let’s see who can dunk the dunkee, whoever he is.

Peter: It wouldn’t hurt you to do a little work on it.

Alice: That’s fair.

(Greg comes home in a foul mood.)

Peter: Hi, Greg. (Greg walks by without answering) Hey Greg, what’s the matter?

Greg (bitterly): Who said anything was the matter?

Peter: Well, if nothing’s the matter, what are you so sore about?

Greg: Nothing.

Peter: Come on. If you tell someone, you’re supposed to feel better.

Greg: The coach took me off the first string basketball team.

Peter: No wonder you’re sore. Now I’m sore too.

Greg: You know who beat me out?

Peter: Who?

Greg: Warren Mullaney.

Peter: Warren Mullaney? That’s the same guy who beat you out for student council president!

Greg: Some president! He got elected by making a lot of phony promises he didn’t keep.

Peter: How did he get to be first string?

Greg: Buttering up the coach, and when the coach isn’t looking, you should see the way he goofs off.

Peter: Boy, he really is a phony.

Greg: He’s a bum all right. The crumb bugs me worse than anyone I know. You namne it, anybody!

(Greg goes inside.Peter shrugs and returns to the booth. Meanwhile, Jan is upstairs combing her hair and Marcia happily comes in their room.)

Marcia (excited): Jan, guess what.

Jan: Okay, I’ll guess. What?

Marcia; I just got asked for a date to the pizza parlor.

Jan: So, what’s such the big deal?

Marcia: By a high school boy.

Jan: You’re kidding!

Marcia: No, he’s coming by after dinner.

Jan: Your first high school date. But where did you meet him?

Marcia: On the way home from school.

Jan: What’s his name?

Marcia: Warren Mullaney.

Jan: Wow.

(The scene fades.)

untitled warren

(The next scene has Greg in his room, pouting about his day. Mike and Bobby come in to see him.)

Bobby: Come on, Greg. We’re going to start decorating the dunking machine.

Greg: You don’t need me.

Mike: Sure we do. What, you got a problem?

Greg: Yeah.

Mike (to Bobby): Well, you run on down. I’ll be there in a minute.

Bobby: Okay. The one who does the most work gets to be dunked first.

Mike: Sounds fair to me. (Bobby leaves. Mike sits down to talk to Greg) Well, what’s the problem?

Greg: You know that guy who beat me out for student council?

Mike: Oh yeah, what was his name? Warren?

Greg: Warren Mullaney,  it bugs me just to say it.

Mike: Well, what about him?

Greg: Today he beat me out for first string on the basketball team.

Mike: Oh, I’m sorry about that. Come on, you can’t win ’em all. You know that, don’t you?

Greg: Dad, he’s always beating me out at something! I don’t mind getting beaten out but he doesn’t even play fair. Phony, buttering up, conniving…

Mike: Oh, Greg, come on, don’t let it get you down. Look, if that’s the case, the coach is going to find out sooner or later.

Greg: Well how does that help me now?

Mike: Every dog has his day.

Greg: I’m not so sure with a dog like Warren.

Mike (laughing): Cheer up. Come down and help us if you feel like it.

(Mike leaves the room and goes to the girls’ room.)

Mike: Marcia, Jan. How about some help with the carnival booth?

Marcia: We’re coming, Dad.

Mike: okay.

(He walks away.)

Jan (to Marcia): Do you think Mom and Dad will let you go out with a high school boy?

Marcia: Why not? As long as he’s real nice.

Jan: Well, is he?

Marcia: He seems to be. I wonder if Greg knows him, you go on. I’ll be down in a minute.

Jan: Okay.

(Marcia goes in to talk to Greg, who is still upset.)

Marcia: Greg, can I talk to you for a second?

Greg: What about?

Marcia: Well, this real cool guy asked me to go to the pizza parlor with him.

Greg: So?

Marcia: He’s in high school.

Greg: Congratulations.

Marcia: Well, he’s in your class, and I thought if you knew him, you could tell me what he’s like.

Greg: Every guy in my class is okay, except Warren, Warren Mullaney. As far as I’m concerned he’s public enemy number 1.

Marcia: Well, what’s the matter with him?

Greg: I guess you didn’t hear that Warren beat me out for first string on the basketball team.

Marcia: Gee Greg, I’m sorry.

Greg: The guy is at the top of my crumb list. In fact, he’s on the bottom of my crumb list too and he’s every crumb in between.

(Marcia gets a surprised look and leaves. We next see her downstairs helping Carol with a sign for the Brady booth.)

Marcia: Mom.

Mom: Mmm hmm.

Marcia: A boy from high school asked me to go to the pizza parlor.

Carol: Ooh, a high school boy. Aren’t we growing up, before you know it, it will be college boys.

Marcia: This one’s just a high school boy. Can I go?

Carol: Well, I think it will be okay, but we’d like to meet him first.

Marcia: I told him to come on over. If we can go, great.

Carol: Fine.

Marcia: There may be one little problem though.

Carol: Oh, what’s that?

Marcia: Greg doesn’t like Warren. That’s his name, Warren Mullaney.

Carol: Why doesn’t Greg like him?

Marcia: Warren took his place on the basketball team.

Carol: Well, I’m afraid that’s Greg’s problem. It really isn’t yours.

Marcia: I know it and you know it. I just hope Greg knows it.

(Later on, Cindy is helping Marcia zip her dress for her date with Warren.)

Marcia: Thanks, Cindy.

Cindy: You’re welcome.

Marcia: Do I look okay?

Cindy: Uh-huh. (She notices her feet) Is that the new style?

Marcia: Is what the new style?

Cindy: Wearing two different shoes.

(Marcia notices.)

Marcia: Thanks, Cindy. (She changes one of them) I guess I’m a little nervous about Warren?

Cindy: If he makes you nervous, why are you going out with him?

Marcia: It’s not him. It’s how Greg feels about him that’s got me uptight.

Cindy: Are you going to let him kiss you good night?

Marcia: That is none of your business.

Cindy: I know. I just thought I’d ask you anyway.

(Alice is in the kitchen when Marcia awaits Warren’s arrival. She looks in the cupboards for stuff to buy and then goes to write it down. Marcia comes into the kitchen.)

Alice (to Marcia): Hi, looking for something?

Marcia: Greg. Warren will be here any minute, and I want to keep them apart.

Alice: Well, Greg went to the library.

Marcia: Oh, good.

Alice: Well, I don’t know, I think he went to pick up a book on witchcraft. You will let me know if Prince warren turns into a frog. (She laughs but Marcia doesn’t find it funny) That was just a joke, honey.

Marcia: Not to me, Alice.

Alice: Sorry.

(The phone rings.)

Marcia: That must be Warren.

(The rushes to get the door while Alice writes more stuff down. In comes Greg.)

Greg: Hi Alice, I’m home.

Alice: Hi. (She suddenly stops him) Don’t go in there.

Greg: Why not?

Alice (abruptly): Pie, pie, you didn’t have any pie after dinner. You rushed right out to the library.

Greg: Sure I had pie, I even had seconds, this will be my third helping.

Alice: Well, this will be your third on firsts but it’s only your second on seconds.

Greg: Huh?

Alice: Well, the pieces you had after dinner were your firsts and seconds, right? So this will be your third on first or your second on seconds.

Greg: Alice, I think you’re a little pie happy.

Alice: Well, anyway, have another piece. It’s an end cut, you’ll just love it.

(Marcia invites Warren in.)

Marcia: Why don’t you sit down, I’ll get my parents.

Warren: Okay. (He notices the rest of the kids looking at him form the top of the stairs) Who are they?

Marcia: That’s a new group called the nosy bodies. Cindy, would you ask Mom and Dad to come down?

Cindy: Okay.

(Greg is finishing the piece of pie that Alice gave him.)

Greg: Thanks, Alice. I guess I’d better get up to my room now and study this. I got a test tomorrow.

Alice: wait a minute, uh…

Greg: What’s the matter?

Alice: Uhh, uhh, uhh, ice cream. All that pie was supposed to be a la mode. You got cheated on every piece you had. (He gets up) No I’ll get it. Look, the way I figure it, you’ve got about a half gallon coming.

Greg: Honest, Alice, I couldn’t eat another bite.

(Marcia and Warren are talking in the living room.)

Marcia (to Warren): I guess my worst subject is history, I get confused with the dates and…

(Greg comes by and gets angry seeing Warren there.)

Greg: Marcia!

Warren (oblivious): Hi, Greg.

Greg (to Marcia): What’s he doing here?

Marcia: Warren’s taking me to the pizza parlor tonight.

Greg: He’s the guy you were talking about?

Marcia: Yeah.

Greg: Well, you can tell him to leave before I throw him out.

Warren: Greg, what are you so sore about?

(Mike and Carol come downstairs.)

Marcia: Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet Warren Mullaney. Warren, this is my mom and dad.

(Greg angrily goes upstairs.)

Mike: Hello, Warren.

Carol: Nice to meet you.

Warren: Nice meeting you too, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.

(Next, Mike and Carol are in the living room. Carol is on the phone with her friend, Martha.)

Carol: Oh yeah, Martha. Oh, sure, the kids can hardly wait. Well, the junior high carnival is the highlight of the year for them. Mmm hmmm, yeah. Well, hold on just a second Martha, I’ll ask him, okay? (to Mike) Martha wants to know if the dunking machine is ready?

Mike (pretending to yell from another room): The dunking machine is ready, Martha.

Carol: Did you hear that, Martha? Yeah, the dunking machine is ready? (She starts to laugh) Martha, you are a devil. Yeah, that would be funny, mmm hmm. (She motions to Mike to pretend to call her from another room) Yeah, uh huh, yeah, Martha, yeah.

Mike (repeating his yell): Honey, would you come here.

Carol: Well, look Martha, yeah, I have to go. Mike’s calling me, uh huh, I think something is burning. Yeah, sure, I’ll do that. Okay, Martha, bye. (to Mike) You know what she said?

Mike: No.

Carol: She thought it would be fun to get the principal on the dunking machine.

Mike (laughing): Empty every piggy bank in school.

Carol: You know what I think? I think it would be fun to get Martha on the dunking machine. She never stops talking.

(Marcia comes back from her date.)

Marcia: Good night Warren, thank you.

Carol: Hi, honey, did you have a good time?

Marcia: Well, it was okay.

Mike: That’s all? Just okay?

Marcia: Yeah, you know, I thought, wow, a high school boy. But warren’s just the same as the boys in my junior high class, except he shaves once a month.

Mike: Maybe you ought to catch him on the nights he shaves.

Marcia: He did put on some smelly aftershave lotion. At first I thought it was the pepperoni pizza he ordered. (She finishes her sentence with a laugh) Anyway, i was going to invite him to the school carnival Friday night.

Carol: What made you change your mind?

Marcia: Well, he’s not all that great, and I don’t see any sense in getting Greg all upset. (She gets up) Good night.

(She kisses them good night.)

Mike: Good night, sweetheart.

Carol: Good night, darling.

(Later, she is upstairs about to brush her teeth when Greg confronts her.)

Greg: Marcia.

Marcia: Just a minute.

Greg: As soon as you’re finished, I want to talk to you.

Marcia: Good, I want to talk to you too. I’ve decided…

Greg: I don’t care what you’ve decided. You better not go out with Warren Mullaney again.

Marcia: But Greg…

Greg: No buts about it, you better not go out with him. I’m telling you once and for all, okay?

Marcia: Since when did you become my boss?

Greg: You heard me, Marcia. Don’t go out with him.

Marcia: And what if I do?

Greg: Well then, Miss Benedict Arnold, you’ll find out what.

(Marcia angrily brushes her teeth as the scene fades.)

untitled greg and marcia feud

(The next scene has Peter, Bobby, Jan and Cindy in the kitchen arguing what they want for lunch. Greg and Marcia are sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast.)

Alice (whistling through her teeth): Hold it!

Carol: Whatever you have in your hands right now, that is lunch. Now come on, scoot. You’re going to be late for school.

(The kids noisily leave.)

Greg (to Marcia): You thought about what I said last night? (Marcia glares at him but doesn’t say anything) Did you hear me?

Marcia: I heard you?

Greg: Well, what are you gonna do about it?

Marcia: I’m gonna ask Warren to go to the school carnival with me.

Greg: You’re gonna what?

Marcia: I wasn’t going to until you opened your big mouth. Now I am!

Greg: Marcia, you better not!

Marcia: Not only that, I’m gonna ask Warren to come home from school today with me and help me with my homework.

Greg: Marcia, you’re really asking for trouble!

Marcia: And just who’s gonna give me to me?

Greg: You’re looking at him!

Marcia: Oh, I’m so scared!

Carol: What is this, a shouting match?

Marcia: Greg thinks he’s my boss. He thinks he can tell me who i can go out with and who I can’t.

Mike: Did you say that, Greg?

Marcia: That’s exactly what he said, if I go out with Warren, or if I ask him to come over this afternoon, he’d make trouble for me!

Carol: Marcia, I think you’re going to be late for school, honey.

Greg: I guess I better be going too.

Mike: I think you have a little time left. Sit down. (He sits down with Greg) You didn’t answer my question.

Greg: Yes sir, I said that.

Carol: Listen, Greg, it’s not for you to tell Marcia who to go out with.

Greg: Mom, can you imagine how I felt when I saw that guy, my worst enemy right here in my own home.

Mike: This is Marcia’s home too. And as long as your mother and I approve, she can invite anyone over that she wants to. (Greg starts getting up) Is that clear?

Greg: Yes, sir.

Mike: Okay.

(Greg grabs his lunch and starts to leave, then he stops suddenly.)

Greg: Does that go for the rest of us, too?

Mike: Sure it does.

Carol: We don’t have any special rules just for Marcia.

Greg: Great.

(He leaves.)

Carol: What was that turnaround all about? What’s so great?

Mike: I don’t know, and I’m not sure I wanna find out.

(Next, the Brady booth is complete and Cindy gets in, waiting to get dunked.)

Bobby (protesting): Why can’t I go first?

Cindy: Because it’s ladies first.

Alice: You can be next, Bobby.

Bobby: I wanna go first.

Peter: Oh, knock it off. When are you gonna grow up?

Bobby: When i get older.

Alice (to Cindy): Okay, you all set?

Cindy: Mmm hmm.

Alice: Let her rip, Peter. Wait till I get out of here, when I take a bath, I want hot water, a little privacy and a lot of bubbles.

(Peter starts to throw balls to dunk Cindy.)

Peter: Okay, here it comes.

(He throws but misses.)

Cindy: You missed.

Bobby: Some arm.

Peter: Oh, come on. Give me a chance. I’m not warmed up yet.

(He throws again and hits. Cindy falls in the water.)

Alice (laughing): hang on, honey. here comes the Coast Guard.

Bobby (running to the booth): My turn now.

(Cindy climbs out of the booth.)

Peter (to Bobby): Did you see that/ Right smack in the middle!

Bobby: Yeah, Vida Blue better start worrying about his job.

(Cindy is out of the booth wrapped in a towel.)

Cindy: Why can’t I do it again?

Bobby: Because it’s my turn.

Alice: Yeah, only one dunk to a customer. And besides, you promised to help me make some cookies for carnival.

Cindy: Oh, yeah.

Bobby (climbing to the top of the booth): Okay Pete, really lay one in there. I’m ready.

Peter: Okay, here it comes.

(He throws a ball but misses.)

Bobby: Come on, hit the target.

Peter: I’m trying to.

(He goes to retrieve the ball. Carol comes outside.)

Carol (calling): Peter, it’s time to do your homework.

Peter (calling back): in a minute, Mom.

Carol: Not in a minute, now.

Peter: Okay.

(She smiles and waves approval to him.)

Bobby: Hey, I want to get dunked.

Peter: You heard what Mom said.

(He goes inside. Bobby goes to the level and pulls it down for him to fall in. Peter comes outside for a minute.)

Peter: You make a dumb looking mermaid.

(Bobby splashes him.)

(Next, Marcia is in the family room studying with Warren.)

Marcia: The first United Nations conference was held in (Pause) San Francisco.

Warren: Right.

(Jan comes in and silently calls to Marcia, then motions to her to come to her.)

Marcia: Jan’s at the childish age where she’s big on secrets. I’ll be back ina minute.

(Jan grabs Marcia by the hand and takes her to the kitchen.)

Marcia (annoyed): What do you want?

Jan: Greg’s on his way home from school.

Marcia (beaming): Oh, good. I can’t wait to see his face when  he sees Warren here.

Jan: You better get a grip on your own face. he’s bringing someone home.

Marcia: Who?

Jan: That girl that beat you out at cheerleading, Kathy Lawrence.

Marcia: Kathy Lawrence? (Jan nods) He knows she’s at the bottom of my list. He’s just trying to bug me.

Jan: What are you going to do about it?

Marcia (smiling): Nothing, not a thing.

Jan (shocked): Nothing?

Marcia: I’m not gonna let Kathy bother me one bit. I won’t give Greg the satisfaction.

(She goes back in the family room, leaving Jan bewildered. She’s back in the family room with Warren.)

Marcia: A parallelogram. (Pause) Oh yeah, it’s a, (Marcia sees Greg and Kathy coming in) It’s a four sided figure in which each air of opposite sides remains the same distance apart.

Warren: Right.

Greg (coming inside with Kathy): I’m sure it wasn’t too hard for you. (He sees Marcia) Hi, Marcia. You know Kathy, don’t you?

Marcia: Why, of course. It’s so nice to see you again, Kathy.

Kathy: Hi, Marcia.

Marcia: Oh, this is Warren Mullaney.

Kathy: Hi.

Warren: Hi.

Marcia: Warren’s on the first string basketball team in high school.

Greg: Kathy’s head cheerleader now.

Marcia: Oh, congratulations, Kathy.

Kathy: I’m sorry you didn’t make cheerleading Marcia, it’s really fun.

Marcia: Oh well, you can’t win ’em all.

Greg: Um, come on Kathy, let’s do your homework.

(They go into the living room.)

Kathy:  I sure was surprised to see you today. I didn’t think you even remembered me.

Greg: How could I forget you. I mean, I really dig the way you lead those cheers.

Kathy: No kidding?

Greg: Especially that F-F-F-I-L one. Hey, how about doing that for me now.

Kathy (sheepishly): Here? I’d feel embarrassed. Besides, I came over to study.

Greg: Please Kathy, I’d really like to hear it. Besides, I’m gonna help you do your homework.

Kathy: Well, okay.  (She makes the cheers unenthusiastically) F-F-FIL, L-L-LMO,O-O-ORE.

Greg: Come on, Kathy.

Kathy: What?

Greg: Really do it.

Kathy: Are you sure it will be all right?

Greg (giving her the okay signal): Positive.

Kathy: If you say so. (She cheers a little louder) F-F-FIL,L-LMO,O-O-ORE. Fillmore Junior High!

Greg: Louder!

Kathy: F-F-FIL,L-LMO,O-O-ORE. Fillmore Junior High! (Marcia and Warren get distracted as Kathy repeats the cheer with all her energy) F-F-FIL,L-LMO,O-O-ORE. Fillmore Junior High! Yay team, yay team, yay!

(Marcia comes out.)

Greg (clapping): That was terrific, Kathy. that was great.

Marcia: That was a wonderful cheer, Kathy. Warren thinks it’s better than the high school cheer for his first string basketball team. (to Greg) I hope you’re still not sulking about being replaced.

Greg (to Kathy): Would you excuse me, please?

Kathy: Sure.

Greg: Got a second, Marcia?

Marcia: Got all the time you want.

(Greg takes Marcia into the kitchen. Kathy gives a suspicious look.)

Greg (to Marcia): Sulking, that was a dirty trick!

Marcia: Speaking of dirty tricks, how about you inviting miss Rah-rah?

Greg: You started it by bringing over that sardine!

(The rest of the kids are looking through the window at Greg and Marcia’s argument. Carol, Mike and Alice are coming back from the store.)

Carol: Hey kids, what’s going on?

Mike: What’s the big attraction?

Peter: Hi Mom, Hi Dad. Greg and Marcia are really going at it.

Jan: You should hear them.

Bobby: I’ve never seen them so mad.

Carol: About what?

Cindy: About Kathy Lawrence.

Peter: Greg asked Kathy over to bug Marcia for asking warren over to bug him.

Alice: Sounds like an unpopularity contest.

(Mike puts a bag of groceries in Alice’s hands.)

Mike: The whole thing is beginning to bug me.

(Carol also puts a bag in Alice’s arms and follows Mike inside.)

Cindy: Can we listen?

Carol: No, kids, you stay out here.

Bobby: How come we always have to miss the good stuff?

(The kids start walking away, ignoring the fact that Alice has three bags of groceries in her arms.)

Alice: Mayday! Mayday! Anybody?

(Cut back into the living room.)

Marcia: You started the whole thing by trying to boss me.

Greg: Benedict Arnold, that’s who you are.

(Mike and Carol come inside to confront them.)

Greg: Hi.

Mike: Hi. think we better have a little talk.

Marcia: Dad, I have a guest in the family room.

Mike: Your guest can wait.

Greg: And Kathy’s waiting for me…

Carol: Uh, she can wait, too. (They motion for them to march into the family room) After you.

(In the den, Mike is lecturing them.)

Mike: You’ve both been behaving very badly.

Carol: And that’s putting it mildly. can’t you see what you’ve been doing?

Marcia: I was fighting with Greg.

Mike: But there’s something more important here. You’ve involved other people. You’ve been using Warren and Kathy.

Marcia: What do you mean using them?

Carol: Well, you kept on seeing Warren even after you said he wasn’t all that great.

Mike: Yes, did he suddenly get great or was he the best way to get back at Greg?

Carol: I think Warren had the impression that you really liked him.

Mike: What about you, son? Is Kathy Lawrence really your choice for a date or was she the best thorn you could find to put in Marcia’s side?

Greg: I guess there are other girls I’d rather see.

Carol: Can’t you see how selfish and unfair you’ve been to them?

Greg: I don’t know what else to say except I’m sorry.

Marcia: I am too.

Mike: Well, don’t tell us, tell them.

(Outside, Alice is collecting towels around the booth when she climbs to the top to take one of them.)

Marcia: Alice, do you know what happened to Warren and Kathy?

Alice: Well, like you kids say, they split.

Greg: they must have been pretty mad at us.

Alice: No, they didn’t look mad. In fact, they looked kind of chummy.

Marcia: What do you mean chummy?

Alice: Well, he said, hey, how would you like to go to the pizza parlor and she said far out. And she said, how about taking me to the carnival Friday night and he said, far out. They said so long, and I said, far out. I didn’t want them to think I wasn’t on it.

Greg: With it.

Alice: With it.

Greg: How about that?

Marcia: I’m really glad for them.

Greg: Me too. But we still have to apologize. Let’s go down to the pizza parlor.

Marcia: Far out.

(They leave and Alice grabs another towel that is tangled on the lever and it causes her to fall in.)

Alice: Oh, come on, who thought that was funny? Who’s throwing the thing with the baseball/ Hey, that’s kind of nice.

(She splashes around in the water for a few minutes and the scene fades.)

untitled warren and kathy

(The final scene has the family returning home from the carnival with prizes in their hands.)

Alice: Gee, that was a great carnival.

( After a bit of gibberish conversation, Mike shows the family a goldfish he won.)

Mike: What should we do with the goldfish?

Carol: Hey, you should look at it through my magnifying glass. You’ll really think you caught something.

Cindy: Hey, Alice, you didn’t tell us what you got.

Carol: Yeah, Alice.

Alice: Oh, just a pair of those silly kid trick handcuffs.

(They all laugh.)

Carol: All right kids, that’s enough carnival for one night.

Mike: Will you get the lights, Alice?

Alice: Sure, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Okay, good night.

(Everyone goes upstairs while Alice tries unsuccessfully to get the cuffs off her hands.)

                                  THE END

untitled carnival

 

S3 E4 The Wheeler Dealer

dsuntitled greg driving

The Wheeler Dealer

Written by Bill Freedman and Ben Gershman

Greg buys his first car for $100 and learns a hard lesson about caveat emptor. I hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BEADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBYBRADY

CINDY BRADY

EDDIE, Greg’s friend

RONNIE, another friend

(The episode begins with Greg and Mike in Mike’s car. Mike is giving Greg a driving lesson as they drive around town. They come into their driveway as Greg prepares to park.)

Mike: Greg, watch the, watch out for the wagon now.

(Mike pushes it out of the way and Greg starts to park.)

Mike: Don’t go on the grass.

(Greg successfully parks the car.)

Greg: How did I do?

Mike: Well, you did fine. I’m really proud of you.

Greg: You really mean it?

Mike: Anybody who can navigate the Brady obstacle course without a major collision is ready for anything.

Greg: I hope I do as well tomorrow when I take that driver’s test.

Mike: You’ll do fine.

(He gets out of the car as Marcia and Jan come by and laugh at Greg.)

Greg (angry): I wish you kids would keep your junk out of the driveway.

Marcia: Kids?

Jan: Look who’s calling who kids.

Greg: When you’re old enough to drive a car, you’re not a kid anymore.

Jan: Oh, big man.

Greg: For your information, they don’t give a license to just anybody. And in 24 hours, I’m going to have one that says Greg Brady, qualified driver.

Marcia: If you pass the test.

(Greg starts to get out of the car. The girls burst into laughter again.)

Jan: He can’t even unbuckle his seat belt.

Marcia (sarcastically): Great driver.

(Greg glares at them as the scene fades out.)

untitled greg

(The next scene has Alice in the kitchen reading the driver’s manual. Greg comes in.)

Greg: Oh, you’ve got it. I’ve been looking all over for it.

Alice: There sure are a lot of rules and regulations.

Greg: Yeah, you got to learn this whole thing exactly.

Alice: Even if I could learn the written part, I’d still have a problem.

Greg: Why is that?

Alice: I don’t know how to drive.

Greg: You mean you’ve never driven?

Alice: only shopping carts. Over 100,000 miles, only one accident.

Greg: If you want to learn, I could teach you easily.

Alice: Oh, you really think so?

Greg: Oh, sure, come on. (He takes the chairs from the tables) Driver’s seat, passenger seat.

Alice (sitting down): I’ll fasten my seat belt.

(Greg takes a gold dish and uses it for a steering wheel.)

Greg: This will be your steering wheel.

Alice: Mmm, that is one classy steering wheel.

(She pretends to start driving.)

Greg: Hold it.

Alice: What’s the matter?

Greg: You forgot to turn on the engine.

Alice: Sorry.

(She pretends to turn the engine on, then take off.)

Greg: Hold it!

Alice: What’s the matter now?

Greg; You can’t just pull away from the curb without checking behind you. You have a rear view mirror up here and over there, and check over your shoulder.

Alice (checking backwards): Now. (She pretends to start driving and makes a sound like a motor. She laughs) Nice quiet engine.

Greg: You’re doing fine.

Alice: Thank you.

Greg: You better watch it now, Alice. You’re on the freeway.

Alice (frightened): Freeway!

(She panics and hands the plate back to Greg.)

Greg: Alice!

(He hands it back and she pretends to resume driving. Bobby and Cindy come into the kitchen.)

Alice: Look out!

Bobby: What are you doing, Alice?

Alice: I’m driving.

Cindy: In the kitchen.

Alice: No, on the freeway. It’s my first lesson.

Cindy (to Bobby); We better get out of here.

Bobby: Yeah, this is no place for pedestrians.

(Next, Carol looks outside and then closes the door.)

Carol (to Marcia and Jan): I thought I heard the car drive up.

Jan: What’s taking Greg so long?

Marcia: There will be no living with him once he gets his license.

Carol: Well, look Marcia, I wouldn’t tease him if I were you. I mean, you’re going to be getting your license in another year or two.

Jan: Boy, they’ll give a license to everybody.

Marcia: Is that so?

Jan: Yeah.

Carol: Cool it.

(Greg comes home and looks dejected.)

Carol: Hi, Greg.

Greg (glumly): Hi. Dad had to go back tot he office. He said he’d be home in time for dinner.

(He sits down looking upset.)

Marcia: You don’t have to tell us, Greg.

Jan: We can tell by the look on your face.

Carol: A lot of people don’t pass the first time, honey. What did the man say?

Greg: The man (Pause) said to show you this.

(He hands her an envelope. She opens it.)

Carol: Oh, you, it’s your license. Congratulations.

(She hugs him and Marcia and Jan sigh in disappointment.)

Marcia: Boy, that was pretty sneaky putting us on like that.

Jan: But we’ll let you drive us around anyway.

Marcia: Yeah, congratulations.

Greg: Thanks.

(The girls walk away.)

Carol: Oh, that’s great. Well look, you know, I promised you you can drive my car once in a while, and I’m sure your father will let you drive his, too.

Greg: You and Dad don’t have to worry about that anymore.

Carol: What do you mean?

Greg (getting up): Now that I’m an official driver, I’ll buy a car of my own.

(He walks away.)

Carol (shocked): A car of your own?

(Later on, Greg is showing Peter and Bobby some potential cars he might buy in a car magazine.)

Greg: I don’t know which of these cars I’d rather have.

Peter: Boy, are you a dreamer?

Bobby: Yeah, what are you gonna use for money?

Greg: This convertible is groovy, but the hardtop is pretty sharp too.

Peter: Why don’t you get them both, Mr. Moneybags.

Greg: You guys think I’m kidding about getting a car?

Bobby: If you’re not, you’re nuts.

Greg: Just to prove it, Peter, you know my bike?

Peter: Yeah, what about it?

Greg: Now that I’ll be getting a car of my own, I won’t need the bike anymore, you can have it.

Peter: I can?

Greg; Sure.

Peter: What’s the catch?

Greg: Can’t a guy perform a simple act of generosity without being suspected?

Peter: Boy, I always said you were the greatest, didn’t I, Bobby?

Bobby: No, just this morning…

Peter: Who asked you? Thanks, Greg.

Greg: Think nothing of it.

(The next scene has Mike coming in the room to speak to Greg.)

Greg: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hi, say, I hear you’ve been talking about buying a car.

Greg: Yeah, I figured why should I inconvenience you and Mom, always borrowing yours?

Mike: That’s very considerate of you. (He looks at the magazine) Is this the one you had in mind?

Greg: No, but I’m going to try and get something as close to it as I can.

Mike: That’s a pretty fancy machine. A gentle reminder to you, my boy, your name is Brady, not Onassis.

Greg: I’m going to buy it, Dad. Look, I’ve been saving $109.

(He takes the cash out of his pocket to show Mike.)

Mike (proud): Hey, you’ve been adding to it. That’s good. But I want you to promise me one thing, before you buy a car, you let me look at it.

Greg: Sure, Dad.

Mike: How did you mange to save all that?

Greg: It wasn’t easy. I had to give up a lot of the necessities in life.

Mike: Like what?

Greg: Pizzas and French fries and girls.

Mike (laughing): Girls?

Greg; Well, mostly pizzas and French fries.

(Carol and Mike are in his den further discussing the matter.)

Carol: I still don’t like the idea of a 16 year-old owning his own car.

Mike: Well, look honey, you know, we did promise him. And he’s had driver’s education in school, he’s passed his test, and really, he’s a pretty good driver.

Carol: I know, but, why can’t he drive me car or your car?

Mike: In the long run, what difference does it make? Your car, my car, his car. You got to be logical with him.

Carol: I don’t have to be logical, I’m a mother.

(They laugh.)

Mike: Well, honey, anyway, I think you’re worrying prematurely because by the time Greg gets enough money for the kind of car he wants, the 1999 models are going to be here.

Carol: Oh no, he wants to buy a car right now.

Mike: Look, he’s only got 100 bucks. He’s not gonna be satisfied with anything he can get for that.

Carol: Just a hundred dollars?

Mike: Yes, and delusions and grandeur. What kind of a car can he get for $100.

(Next, we see a run down car that reads for sale like new. It belongs to Greg’s friend, Eddie, who wants to sell it.)

Eddie: She’s a beauty, ain’t she, Greg? I’m only selling her because I need a fast hundred bucks. You know, I’ve got 5 or 6 guys just waiting to buy this baby, but it’s such a good deal, I wanted a friend to have it first.

Greg: Thanks, Eddie, I appreciate that. (He checks out the car) There’s an awful lot of chrome missing up and down here, and all these dents.

Eddie: What chrome missing? I got it right here. (He takes a crowbar out) as for these dents, take it to the auto shop at school, they’ll pound them right out for you. (Greg tries unsuccessfully to open the car door) So it sticks a little. When you own a convertible, you don’t use doors, you just jump right in. (He jumps in the car to show Greg) Sports car, right?

Greg: Right.

Eddie: But if you want to do it the regular way, it does work. (He kicks the door open from the inside) You see?

Greg: Eddie, look at this big hole in the backseat.

Eddie: What hole? A little rip. Sew it up, only a dime for needle and thread. Listen to this horn. (He turns it on) The windshield wipers work, the radio…

Greg: Can I hear the engine?

Eddie: Sure, purrs like a kitten.(He turns it on and it makes a rumbling noise. Greg looks startled) Runs a little rough, until she’s warmed up, then she’s great.

Greg: Yeah, I can feel it.

(The engine backfires)

Eddie: The idle just needs to be adjusted. All this baby needs is a little bit of work.

Greg: Eddie, I don’t know.

(Eddie comes out of the car.)

Eddie: Greg, Greg, for a hundred bucks and a little bit of work, you got yourself a car that’s worth maybe $500.

Greg: Think all it will take is a little work?

Eddie: Positive. Tell you what I’m gonna do. (He takes a book out of the car) I’m gonna throw in  repair manual, absolutely free. With this, a 10 year old could fix her up.

Greg (looking at the book): I told my Dad I’d let him look at anything I bought first.

Eddie: What time is it, Greg?

Greg (looking at his watch): It’s 3:20. Why?

Eddie: Car’s gonna be gone by the time you get your Dad here. I got a guy coming in 10 minutes, and with him, it’s a sure sale.

Greg: Eddie, I don’t know.

Eddie: Greg, it’s a great deal. Or would you rather wait 5 or 6 years for a set of wheels.

(Greg stands there pondering. Cut over to the house, where Carol and Alice are in the kitchen. carol is writing down a shopping list with Alice figuring out what they need.)

Alice: Cocoa, sugar.

Carol: Yup.

Alice: Peanut butter.

Carol: Right.

(They suddenly hear the sound of a horrible engine.)

Carol: What on earth was that?

Alice: Sounds like the mating call of a lovesick moose.

(The girls hear it from their room.)

Cindy: What was that?

Jan: It sounds horrible.

Marcia: I know, come on.

(Mike hears the sound from his den, Peter and Bobby from their room. they all go outside to see what the commotion is. It’s the horn of Greg’s new car.)

Greg: Hi.

Mike: Greg, could you turn that thing off.

Greg: Dad, I’m trying, as soon as I get the hood open.

(The hood suddenly opens up.)

Greg: How do you like her?

(The family laughs.)

Carol: Uh, Mike.

Greg: She’s mine, all mine.

(Greg hits down on the rim and suddenly steam rises from the front.)

Alice (jokingly): Head for the hills, the dam has busted!

(The scene fades.)

untitled greg and eddie

(The next scene has Mike and Carol outside examining Greg’s car.)

Mike: Greg, are you trying to tell us that you actually bought this, uh…

Greg: Classic, Dad.

Carol: Mike, do you think it’s safe for him to drive it?

Mike: Honey, I think it’s the safest kind of car you can have. One that’s not going to run.

Greg: A little work and I’ll have this thing running great.

Mike: Listen, I thought you promised me that you were going to let me look at the car before you bought it.

Carol: Yeah.

Greg: I know, but I had to move fast. A lot other guys wanted to buy this thing, but my friend Eddie offered it to me first. It was such a great bargain, I knew you’d understand.

Carol (to Mike): Some friend, that Eddie.

Mike: Yeah. (to Greg) Greg, uh, what did you pay for it?

Greg: 100 bucks. Eddie said it was a steal.

Mike: Yeah, I think it was a steal.

Greg: He even threw in this repair manual. Now with this thing, even a 10 year-old can fix her up. See, it tells you how to boil out a carburator, work on the timing gear, and a lot of stuff about the transmission.

Carol: Well, I think I’ll leave you two mechanics to work out the greasy details. I’ll be back in about an hour to see old faithful blow again.

(She leaves.)

Mike: Well, you think you could get it started so I could hear the engine?

Greg: Sure Dad, yeah.

(He tries opening the door but then remembers about Eddie said to jump in. He hits his leg on the door while doing so. He turns the engine on and it makes a rattling noise.

Greg: How does it sound?

Mike: Like a flock of geese heading south. Sick geese.

(Greg turns the engine off.)

Greg: Yeah, well, Eddie said that’s the idle. Nothing a couple of turns of a screwdriver can’t fix. (He gets out of the car) You know what, Dad? I was thinking, put a new coat of paint on here. Maybe a rally stripe down the front of the hood. Mag wheels, a whip antenna for the radio.

Mike: Don’t you think that’s gonna strain your budget a little bit?

Greg: Well, not if I do all the work myself. It shouldn’t cost much at all.

Mike: Not much more than a new Rolls Royce.

Greg: Yeah, well, maybe I can do a little bit at a time.

Mike: Well, all right. We’ll work it out. You know, it kinda reminds me of an old car my Dad used to have. Matter of fact, I think it is my Dad’s old car.

(Next, Greg has the other kids helping him fix the car up.)

Greg: Jan, you don’t stir paint with a socket wrench. You’ll ruin it, give it to me.

Jan: Okay, here.

(She gives it to him and his hand gets dirty.)

Greg: Thanks a lot. (He sees Peter cleaning off rust) Is all the rust coming off?

Peter: I hope not.

Greg: What do you mean?

Peter: It’s the only thing holding the car together.

Greg: Take it easy.

Marcia: At least the upholstery is clean, Greg.

Greg: Okay, great. Thanks Marcia. Hey, what’s that stuff you’re cleaning it with?

Marcia: Water.

Greg: Black water?

Marcia: it wasn’t black when I started.

(He goes to Bobby and  Cindy., who are at the engine)

Greg: What do you think you’re doing?

Cindy: Cleaning the engine.

Bobby: There’s a lot of grease and gunk in here.

Greg: You don’t clean an engine with a vacuum. Get that out of here. (to himself) Kids.

(He takes the manual and reads it. Alice and Carol are in the kitchen.)

Carol: Hey Alice, what are you cooking? Something new?

Alice: Would you care to guess, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: Well, it certainly smells odd. Cabbage?

Alice: No.

Carol: Well, now I know it’s not brussel sprouts.

Alice: Nope. give up?

Carol: Yes?

Alice: Specialty of the house. Boiled out carburetor ala Greg.

(The next scene has Greg showing the rest of the family his new, but not so improved, car.)

Greg: Listen, I know you never thought I’d get it done.

Carol: That’s true.

Greg: But here it is.

Mike: Well, I have to admit I was a doubting Thomas.

Carol: And I was Mrs. Doubting Thomas.

Greg: I guess I’m just a natural born mechanic. I got the engine running like a watch.

(Alice notices some stuff on the ground next to the car.)

Alice: What’s that? Spare parts for the watch?

Greg: No, I redesigned the engine.

Bobby: That’s just extra junk we didn’t need.

Greg: All right, everybody, you’re about to see the hottest set of wheels this side of Indianapolis.

Carol: Okay.

(He has a hard time getting the cover off the car.)

Peter (worried): I think we put the cloth on before the paint was dry.

Greg: I think it’s just caught in the door here. (He climbs up top to remove the cloth) Here it is, folks. Ta-da.

(He finally remove sit and the family is impressed with how much better the car looks.)

Mike: You’ve certainly done a fine job, son.

Alice: Say, that looks marvelous.

Greg (getting in the car): Wait till you hear the engine. (He starts up the engine) Oh, and I fixed that short in the horn, too. In fact, I rewired all the electrical circuits. Listen to this horn.

(He tries starting up the horn but the windshield wipers start up. Then the trunk of the car starts up.)

Carol: What’s causing that?

(The engine goes off again and steam comes out of the hood again.)

Alice (worried): It’s going mad.

Mike: Hey, you better bail out!

(The next scene has Greg realizing he made a bad investment.)

Greg: Boy, did I ever get stuck with a lemon. A little elbow grease.

Mike: Well, I don’t think a little elbow grease is going to cure rigor mortis.

(he starts to lean up by the car.)

Greg: Careful, Dad, you’re liable to crush the door. Some friend that Eddie.

Mike: Aw, come on Greg. Forget about Eddie. You made a business deal, he got the best of you, that’s all.

Greg: Business deal. That’s the last time I’m gonna do business with a friend.

Mike: I think maybe you learned something about the business world.

Greg: What do you mean?

Mike: Well look, you take sellers, they’ve got something to sell, right?

Greg: Right.

Mike: Naturally, they’re going to make it sound as attractive as possible, even if they have to exaggerate to do it.

Greg: You mean lie.

Mike: Yes, quite often they do. Although they might call it gilding the lily. But the important thing is you’re the buyer, you have to keep your guard up, see. It’s the old principle of caveat emptor.

Greg: Caveat emptor?

Mike: It’s Latin for let the buyer beware. Or to put it in the vernacular, them who don’t look sometimes get took.

Greg: Well, that Eddie took me.

Mike: Yeah, he did. He had you hog tied and happy before you knew it, but you let it happen. Okay, the important thing is that you learned something.

Greg: Don’t worry Dad, have I ever.

(Mike pats Greg’s shoulder.)

Mike: Good boy.

(Peter and Bobby are in their room playing darts when Greg comes in.)

Peter: What were you talking to Dad about?

Greg: Oh, a few of the facts of life, like caveat emptor.

Bobby: What’s that?

Greg: It means let the buyer beware in Latin.

Peter: Yeah, don’t you know anything?

Bobby: Oh, I know Latin. Obby Bay , Aday Bray, that’s Bobby Brady in Latin.

Peter: that’s pig Latin, loser.

Greg: Boy, I sure learned my lesson. When I get rid of that old clunk, this time, I’m the seller. And it’s the other guy that has to do the caveat emptoring.

Peter: How are you going to get rid of it?

Greg: Just find somebody who’s dumber than I am.

Bobby: It isn’t going to be easy.

(Next, Greg has a sign on a car that says Real Sharp, and he’s trying to sell to his friend Ronnie.)

Greg: I knew you were looking for a car, Ronnie. That’s why I called. I want a friend to have this baby.

Ronnie: I don’t know, Greg. It looks kind of an old model.

Greg: Oh, Ronnie, the word isn’t old, the world is classic. In a couple of years, this will be a collector’s item, worth five times what I’m asking for it.

Ronnie: Yeah, you think so.

Greg: Oh, sure. Listen, I got 5 or 6 guys after this beauty. But like I said, I want a friend to have it.

Ronnie: Yeah, I appreciate it, too.

(Marcia and Jan come by.)

Marcia: Hi, what are you doing?

Greg: Just showing Ronnie this little gem here. Tell him how sensational the car is, girls.

Marcia (sarcastically): Sure, sensational.

Jan (in the same tone): Oh, especially when it’s standing still.

(He laughs and pushes them away.)

Greg: Those sisters of mine. Great little sense of humor.

(Ronnie tries to open the door.)

Ronnie: What’s the matter with the door?

Greg: So it sticks a little. Listen, when you got a convertible, who uses doors? You just jump in like it was a sports car, right? Watch this. (He jumps in the way Eddie showed him to) There. Now listen, I want to tell you about these wipers I got in here. I got them hooked up to the horn, it’s fantastic.

(Ronnie attempts to get in and Cindy comes out with leftover parts from the car.)

Cindy: Greg, can I have these?

Greg: Cindy, can’t you see I’m busy?

Cindy: But you said these parts were left over after you tried to fix the motor.

Greg (laughing): Great little sense of humor, nine years old. Cindy, I got a candy bar on my dresser. You can have it.

Cindy (walking away): Thanks.

Greg: Hey Ronnie. why don’t you try it. Come on.

(Ronnie jumps in the car.)

Ronnie: By the way, how’s the engine?

Greg: Great, just great. And listen, I wanted to show you this radio.

Ronnie: Well, can I hear it?

Greg: Sure, but it’s a waste of time. Purrs like a kitten.

(He turns the engine on but it rattles like it had before.)

Ronnie: Sounded kind of funny.

Greg: That’s just the idle. Nothing a couple of turns of a screwdriver can’t fix, huh? Listen, make up your mind, Ronnie. is it a deal?

Ronnie: I don’t know, Greg.

Greg: What time is it?

(Ronnie looks at his wrist and realizes he has no watch.)

Ronnie: I don’t know.

Greg (checking his watch): It’s 4:15, and I got to show this to another guy in 5 minutes. Now, what will it be, Ron? Do you want to miss the lifetime of an opportunity or do you want the car?

(Ronnie has the same look on his face Greg had before he got it. Mike and Carol return home from the store and see Marcia and Jan in the backyard, jumping rope.)

Carol: Hello girls.

Jan: Oh, hi.

Carol: Well, it looks like Greg must have got his car running.

Mike: He must have used artificial respiration. Hey, girls, do you know where Greg went?

Marcia: He was showing the car to some boy, then they drove off somewhere. He was trying to get us to say how great that old wreck was.

Jan: He kept winking at us you know, like that. (She imitates the way he did it) And he even gave Cindy a candy bar.

Carol (to Mike): Well, I wonder what that was all about.

Mike: Hmm, so do I. (They see Peter and Bobby) Boys, did Greg sell his car?

Bobby: Yeah, he called the guy a pigeon.

Peter: He said he was really going to cavit the guy’s eruptor.

Carol (confused): Cavit his eruptor? What…

Mike: I think he means caveat his emptor.

Carol: Caveat emptor? Now, where did they pick that up?

Mike: I had a long talk with Greg about buying and selling, but I’m afraid he learned the wrong lesson.

(Next, Greg is in the den with Mike and Carol, telling them how his day went.)

Greg: Yeah, I really gave him (Ronnie) a hard sell. The chump went for it hook, line and sinker.

Carol: You didn’t lie to him, did you, Greg?

Greg: I gilded the lily pretty good.

Mike: Greg, is that all you got out of that talk we had?

Greg: Sure, that’s what gave me the idea. I figured if I got stuck, why shouldn’t somebody else?

Carol: So you found yourself a pigeon.

Greg: It was a cinch. I had the hundred dollars in my hot little hand and then…

Mike: Then you what?

Greg: And then I let the sucker off the hook. I just couldn’t go through with it.

Carol: You mean you didn’t sell him the car?

Greg (shrugging): I guess I’m a pretty crummy businessman.

Mike: No, no, you’re an honest one.

Carol: Right, but where’s the car?

Greg: Oh, well, I was getting to that. Driving home, it broke down, between Second street and Fifth street.

Mike: That’s a pretty big area, whereabouts?

Greg: All the way. It just kept falling apart.

(They all laugh.)

Carol: Fifth street. Isn’t that over near the junkyard?

Greg: That’s where I sold it. The junkman gave me 50 bucks for it.

Mike: Listen, you lost 50 dollars, but if you learned something, it’s worth it.

Carol: Especially the way it ended. Can you imagine a car falling apart in front of a junkyard?

Greg: Yeah, well, I guess cars are like elephants, Mom. They both knowq where to go when they die.

(He leaves the den and Mike and Carol laughing. The scene fades.)

untitled ronnie

(The final scene has Carol and the girls leaving for their ballet lesson.)

Carol: Now, come on girls, we’re going to be late. In the station wagon.

Jan: We’re hurrying, Mom.

Carol (to Alice): I forgot the ballet class was early this morning. We’ll be back in a couple of hours.

Alice: Right.

(Carol leaves but comes back.)

Carol: I forgot one. Come on, Cindy. (Cindy comes) At a girl.

(Mike comes in the kitchen with golf equipment.)

Alice: Ah, your breakfast is on the table. I hope you wanted eggs.

Mike: Anything’s great, Alice. I’m late for my golf game.

(Greg comes out.)

Greg; Dad, can I use the car, please?

Mike: No, I’m sorry, son. I’m playing  golf this morning.

Greg: Shoot, I’m pitching today, and if they start somebody else, I’ll lose my spot.

Mike: Oh, all right, all right. I’ll get your mother to drive me. (He gives Greg the keys to the car) Here.

Greg: Okay, great. Thanks, Dad.

(He runs off.)

Mike: Listen, be careful, will you?

Alice: Eggs okay?

Mike: Yeah, they’re fine. Alice, listen, do you think Mrs. Brady is ready to go yet? I want her to drop me off at the golf course.

Alice: She’s more than ready to go, Mr. Brady, she’s gone.

Mike: Gone. (He gets upset) Oh no, there goes my golf game.

Alice: Wait a minute. I have a feeling from now on you’ll be needing this more than I am.

Mike: What’s that?

Alice: My bus pass.

Mike: Bus pass?

Alice: Oh, it’s a cinch, Mr. Brady. You take the number two bus to Oak street, then you transfer to the 56 crosstown. Then you take the 18 to the end of the line. And from there on, it’s express all the way.

                                                              THE END

S3 E3 The Brady Braves

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The Brady Braves

Written by Tam Spiva

The Bradys make their way to the grand Canyon, where Bobby and Cindy get lost while chasing after an Indian boy. I hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

JIMMY PAKAYA, Bobby and Cindy’s Indian friend

CHIEF EAGLE CLOUD, Jimmy’s grandfather

(The episode picks up from the previous one. Bobby and Cindy are still lost while the rest of the family goes and searches for them.)

Carol: Bobby! Cindy!

(Meanwhile, Cindy and Bobby are sitting on a rock.)

Cindy: This is all your fault, you wanted to chase after that Indian boy.

Bobby: How was I supposed to know we’d get lost. Come on.

(Cut to Mike, Peter and Marcia searching for them.)

Peter: Bobby!

Marcia: Cindy!

Mike: Bobby! Cindy!

(Mike narrates the previous episode’s happenings, along with flashbacks.)

(It had started out to be a great vacation for all of us. The kids were really excited at their first sight of the Grand Canyon. They loved the Hopi Indians and the rain dance. They couldn’t wait to ride down to the bottom of the canyon. Now, I had warned all the kids to stay together, but it was Bobby and Cindy who wandered off. It’s starting to get dark now. We’d better find them and fast.)

Mike (to Peter and Marcia): Come on, kids.

(Meanwhile, Bobby and Cindy are still trying to find their way back to camp as Jimmy looks on from some rocks. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Bobby and Cindy still walking around aimlessly.)

Cindy: I think we’re going in circles. (Bobby notices something and stops) What’s the matter?

(Bobby points to Jimmy, who is walking down a path to approach them.)

Bobby: Let me handle this, Cindy. (Jimmy catches up with them) How?

Jimmy: How what?

Bobby: Uh, how are you?

Jimmy: I’m okay.

Bobby: I’m Bobby Brady, and this is my sister, Cindy.

Jimmy: I’m Jimmy Pakaya.

Bobby: Do you live around here?

Jimmy: Well, not too far.

Cindy: Are you a real Indian?

Jimmy: Uh huh.

Bobby: Have you seen a camp around here? One with tents and stuff?

Jimmy: Yes, I found your camp.

Cindy (excited): Oh, could you find it for us?

Jimmy: Sure.

Bobby: Hey, great! We’re kind of lost. Could you help us get back to our folks?

Jimmy: No.

Cindy: Why not?

Jimmy: I’ve got my reasons.

(He walks away but Bobby and Cindy follow him.)

Bobby: What’s the matter? Don’t you like us palefaces?

Jimmy: Cut out the paleface stuff?

Bobby: Sorry.

Cindy: Why won’t you help us?

Jimmy: Because I don’t want anybody to see me.

Bobby: You’re in some kind of trouble?

Jimmy: I ran away from home. If your folks see me, they’ll tell my grandfather where I am.

Bobby: Listen, Jimmy, maybe we can make a deal. You take us back, and we promise not to tell we saw you.

Cindy: Please?

Jimmy: Well, you promise?

Bobby (defensive): Do I look like the kind of guy that speaks with a forked tongue?

(Meanwhile, Carol, greg and Jan are still looking. Greg makes a discovery.)

Greg: Mom, Jan, come here quick.

(Carol and Jan rush to him.)

Carol: What is it?

Greg: Footprints. (He finds more) the footprints end here, and there’s two paths.

Jan: Which way do you think we went?

Carol: Look, you two take that way and I’ll take this way, and we’ll meet right back here. And remember, please stay together.

Greg: We will, Mom.

(Cut back to Bobby, Cindy and Jimmy. )

Jimmy: Around those rocks up there, you’ll be able to see your camp.

Bobby: Thanks a  lot, Jimmy, you really saved our lives.

Jimmy: Ah, it’s nothing.

Cindy: It is too.

Bobby: Isn’t there some way we can pay you back?

Jimmy: Well, I’m kind of hungry, you think you could get me something to eat?

Bobby: Sure, but we’ll have to wait until tonight when everybody’s asleep.

Jimmy: That’s okay, I’ll be by those big rocks we just passed.

Bobby: Okay, see you later.

Jimmy: Thanks a lot.

(They head toward the camp as Carol calls them from a distance.)

Carol: Bobby! Cindy!

Bobby: That sounds like Mom.

Cindy: It is Mom!

Bobby and Cindy: Mother, Mother!

(They catch up to her and give her a big hug.)

Carol: Oh, thank goodness. Oh, you’re all right.

Bobby: We’re sorry, we didn’t mean to get lost.

Cindy: It was just an accident.

Carol: Well, don’t you ever wander away from us again, you hear?

(She gives them another hug.)

Bobby: What are you crying for?

Carol: Because I’m so happy you’re back.

Cindy; I thought you’d cry when we got lost.

Carol: I cried then too.

Bobby: I guess we make her cry no matter what we do.

(Back at the camp, Mike gives a final lecture about the kids staying together.)

Mike: All right, all right, form now on, nobody goes off alone, right? Let’s hear it, uh huh? (They all agree. to Bobby and Cindy) And you two guys, you don’t go away from camp without being with an adult, or with Greg or Marcia, okay.

Bobby: Okay.

Carol: Okay, kids, let’s get cleaned up for dinner.

(The rest of the family walks away.)

Cindy (whispering, to Bobby): How we gonna get the food for Jimmy?

Bobby: I’ve been thinking about, and I got a plan.

(He whispers in her ear.)

(The next scene has the family around the campfire singing “Down In The Valley”, with Greg on guitar. Cindy passes a couple of hot dogs to Bobby and he puts them in his coat pocket. They all cheer when the song is over.)

Mike: Hey, how about a little, let’s see, Home on the Range.

Carol: Hey, yeah.

Jan: Yeah, that’s a good one.

Mike (to Greg): Can you play that one?

Greg: Oh, sure.

(He plays and they all sing. Bobby and Cindy go over to Alice.)

Bobby: Could we have some more hot dogs, Alice?

Alice: That makes four apiece. You two must have hollow legs.

Bobby: Well, getting lost takes a lot out of you.

Cindy: We’re trying to put it back.

Alice: I don’t really believe that you’re eating all these hot dogs. (The kids get worried) I think you’re inhaling them. (She gets up) I better start doing these dishes.

Bobby (to Cindy): let’s get some beans for Jimmy, too.

Cindy: Where are we going to hide them?

Bobby: Hey, I got it.

(He takes his flashlight out and removes the batteries. He fills the flashlight with beans as the family continues singing.)

Cindy: Hey, that’s a great idea.

(Late that evening, Bobby wakes up and goes to the girls’ tent. He whistles to Cindy., who wakes up.)

Cindy: I’m coming.

(They go to see Jimmy and bring him dinner.)

Cindy: You’re sure you can find your way?

Bobby: I think so.

Cindy: It’s so dark I can’t see where I’m going.

Bobby: Don’t pull so hard, you’re squashing the hot dogs.

(After walking a little more, they hear a howl.)

Cindy (frightened): What was that?

Bobby: Just a coyote.

Cindy: Maybe we should go back.

Bobby: We can’t, just think of how hungry Jimmy is.

Cindy: Just think of how hungry the coyote is.

(They go out  a little further until they find Jimmy.)

Jimmy: I didn’t think you’d come back.

Bobby: We promised, didn’t we? We brought you some hot dogs.

Cindy: Some of them may be a little bit squishy.

Jimmy: I like them squishy.

Bobby: Here’s something else to eat.

Jimmy: A flashlight?

Bobby: No, inside, beans.

Jimmy: Hey, that’s a great idea.

(Greg and Peter show up, looking for the kids. Bobby, Cindy and Jimmy hide behind a rock when they see them.)

Greg: Bobby! Cindy!

(They see them over by the rock and come over.)

Bobby (to Greg): What are you doing here?

Greg: That’s the same question I got for you?

Peter: Who’s he?

Bobby: This is our friend, Jimmy Pakiah.

Cindy: We brought him some hot dogs.

Greg: Look, I don’t know what this thing is all about, but I do know one thing, you two better get back to camp before Dad wakes up and blows his top.

Peter: Come on.

(Cindy goes along with them, Bobby stops to ta;k to Jimmy.)

Bobby: Sure you don’t wanna come with us? Maybe Mom and Dad can help you.

Jimmy: No, they’ll just tell my grandfather. As soon as it’s light, I’m moving on.

Greg (impatiently): Bobby, come on.

Bobby: Well, thanks a lot, Jimmy. See you sometimne.

(He gives Jimmy the flashlight to keep.)

Jimmy: Yeah, sometime.

(Greg grabs Bobby’s arm and they head back to camp.)

Greg: I don’t care, Bobby, we should tell Mom and Dad about Jimmy.

Bobby: But we promised we wouldn’t.

Cindy: We told you he saved our lives.

Greg: Listen, did you think you might be saving is life by telling on him?

Peter: Shh, listen.

(They see an overbearing shadow in the dark, not realizing it was Mike. The scene fades out.)

untitled chief eagle cloud

(The next scene has Mike confronting the kids.)

Greg: Who is it?

Mike: Greg.

Greg: Dad. (He walks up to the kids.) Why didn’t you say you were you?

Mike: Because I didn’t know you were you. Would you like to tell me what you’re doing out here in the dark?

Greg: tell him, Bobby.

Bobby: Who, me?

Peter: Yeah, you.

Bobby: Uh, Dad, it’s like this, we got lost.

Cindy: You remember?

Mike: Now, you want to stop the stalling and tell me what this is all about?

(Next, Mike is having a heart-to-heart talk with Jimmy.)

Jimmy: Now you’re going to tell my grandfather and he’ll take me home.

Mike: Is home so bad, Jim?

Jimmy: No, I like it there.

Mike: Then why run away?

Jimmy: Because of my grandfather.

Mike: Oh, is he mean to you?

Jimmy: No, I love him.

Mike (confused): Wait a minute, I don’t get it. Then what’s the matter?

Jimmy: Well, he only thinks about the old Indian ways. He always talks about great things that happened a long time ago.

Mike: Well, I can understand that, he’s proud of those things.

Jimmy: Mr. Brady, I’m tired of being an Indian. I want to be an astronaut.

Mike (laugihng): Look Jim, you can be both of those things. Look, you can be proud of your heritages like your grandfather, and you can still do whatever you want to do or be what you want to be. What did your grandfather say when you told him you wanted to be an astronaut?

Jimmy: I didn’t tell him.

Mike: Why didn’t you give him a chance? Wait and see what he thinks about it before you try and run away.

Jimmy: I don’t know.

Mike: Listen, why don’t we talk about this again in the morning, huh? You come back to camp with us, and you can sleep in a nice, warm bed, have a good breakfast. (Jimmy gives a doubtful look) Come on, you haven’t eaten until you’ve Alice’s pancakes. Come on, I bet you’re good and hungry.

(Jimmy gets up to go with him.)

Jimmy: No, I had hot dogs. Oh, and beans.

Mike: Hot dogs and beans?

(Jimmy gives him Bobby’s flashlight. Mike goes in the girls’ tent and wakes Carol.)

Carol: What is it, honey? Is it time to get up?

Mike: Listen, as long as you’re awake, come here, I want you to see something.

(She gets up and follows Mike outside. She sees Jimmy in the sleeping bag with Bobby.)

Carol: Who in the world is that?

Mike: That might be the first Indian who ever lands on Mars.

(The next morning, the boys call for Mike in the tent.)

Greg: Dad, Dad are you awake?

Mike: Yeah, just a second, what is it, boys?

Bobby: Jimmy, he’s gone.

Mike: Hmm, you sure? maybe he just wandered off for a minute.

Peter: No, he looked all over for him.

Bobby: What are we going to do?

Mike: Well, I don’t think there’s much we can do. I’ll put my boots on and we’ll go look for him. We’ve given him the best advice we can. That’s the thing about advice, you can give it, but you can’t make him take it.

Bobby: Yeah, we understand, Dad.

Greg: Come on, you guys.

(They go to look for their friend. Meanwhile, Alice and Carol are talking over at the tents.)

Alice: I think we could use some fresh water, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Okay, Alice. the stream’s right over there beyond those boulders. You can’t miss it.

Alice: okay, just incase, if I’m not back in 10 minutes, send out a forest ranger.

Carol (laughing): okay.

Alice: On second thought, even if I don’t get lost, send out a forest ranger. 6’2″, broad shoulders and a little gray at the temples.

Carol: Alice.

(Alice wanders off to fetch some water. She runs into Jimmy’s grandfather, Chief Eagle Cloud.)

Alice: Yatahi.

Chief: Yatahay. (He says something else in his native language.)

Alice: I’m afraid you took the advanced course.

Chief: My heart soars, Mrs.ady.

Alice: Oh, I’m not Mrs. Brady, I’m Alice.

Chief (confused): Mr. Brady has two squaws?

Alice: Oh, no, I’m not Mr. Brady’s squaw, I help Mrs. Brady. I’m sort of a squaw junior grade.

(Jimmy comes to join his grandfather.)

Jimmy: Hi.

Alice: Hi, you must be Jimmy.

Jimmy: That’s right.

Alice: Oh, I know a lot of people are going to be awfully glad to give you a great big yatahi.

(Jimmy takes Alice’s buckets to help her out.)

(Next, Jimmy and his grandfather are talking to Mike and Carol.)

Chief: Mr. Brady, because you brought my grandson back to me, I offer you thanks, many thanks.

Mike: I really didn’t do very much, Chief Eagle Cloud. I just talked to jimmy. He made the decision.

Chief: You helped him to decide. I offer you thanks.

Mike: You’re very welcome. Jim, did you speak to your grandfather?

Jimmy: Yeah, I did.

Chief: The foolishness of this child. He thinks because I speak of buffalo, I can’t understand blast off.

Carol: We have the same problem Chief Eagle Cloud, we call it the generation gap.

Chief: That’s what we call it too. (They laugh) He’s afraid to tell me that he wants to swoosh to the stars. In truth, if I were younger, I would want to swoosh too.

(All the kids come running up.)

Carol: These are our children. Children, this is Jimmy’s grandfather, Chief Eagle Cloud.

(They all say hi.)

Chief: Mr. Brady, you have large tribe. You are a man among men.

Carol: Well, he did have a little help, you know.

Chief (to the kids): I speak in honor of your father, I ask you to journey to our village tonight. In a ceremony, I will ask you to become members of our family and tribe. You younger folks will have a groovy time.

(The kids eagerly ask Mike for permission.)

Mike: Chief, I think we’ll all have a groovy time.

(The kids are all excited. That evening, they witness another rain dance. The camera shows each cast member enjoying the festivities. When the dance ends, Chief Eagle Cloud gets up to speak.)

Chief: Many moons ago our people came down on the rim of the canyon. Here inside the earth, who is our mother, we live in peace. We raise tall corn, race fast horses. We prosper. (He looks up and raises his hands) And now, O sun that shines, O moon that smiles, we wish our tribe to increase. I ask that you know this. All these people seated around this fire shall belong to my tribe from now until forever. And now, to the direction of the four winds. (He flings water in each direction) To the east, to the west, to the north, to the south. These are my people. I say this, and it is so.

Bobby (to Jimmy): What happens next?

Jimmy: You get a name.

Cindy: I already have a name.

Jimmy: You get an Indian name.

(The chief goes to each family member and gives them a name.)

Chief (to Mike): I give you a new name. in my tribe, you shall be called Goana Hotanya Goana Gonosa, Big Eagle of Large Nest. (Mike smiles as he moves on to Carol) I shall call you Yellow Flower With Many Petals.

Carol: That’s lovely.

(The chief moves to Greg.)

Chief: And you, I will call you Stocking Wolf.

Greg (pleased): That’s what all the girls call me too.

Chief (to peter): And you, my son, I will call you middle Buffalo.

Peter (incredulous): Middle Buffalo?

Chief: Sleeping Lizard.

Peter (in the same tone): Sleeping Lizard?

Chief: I get back to you. (he moves on to Cindy): I shall call you Wandering Blossom. (to Bobby) I call you Little Bear Who Loses Way. (He then moves to Jan) I call you Dove of Morning Light. (Jan smiles as he names Marcia) I call you Willow Dancing In Wind. (Marcia beams as he moves to Alice) I call you Squaw In Waiting.

Alice: Could you make that a short weight.

Chief: Now, new members of the tribe, custom demands that you must dance now. Dance now to show your joy.

(The Bradys all get up to dance as an Indian starts playing the drums and chanting.

Chief: Dance, all dance.

(They continue to dance as other Indians join in, and the scene fades out.)

(The final scene has the Bradys getting ready to leave the Grand Canyon.)

Greg: Dad, can we have one last look at the canyon?

(They all stand and look at the canyon from the top.)

Peter: It’s really something, huh?

Carol: You just never get tired of looking at it.

Mike (looking at his watch): I hate to say it, we better get started, gang.

(Next, the family is leaving the canyon as they drive up to the attendant.)

Cindy (to the attendant): remember us, we’re the Brady family.

Bobby: You mean we used to be, now we’re the Brady Braves.

(The family laughs as they drive away.)

                           THE END

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S3 E2 Grand Canyon Or Bust

untitled brown

Grand Canyon Or Bust

Written by Tam Spiva

The Bradys are stranded in a ghost town en route to Grand canyon. Will they make it out of there alive? Let’s find out. I hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

ZACCARIAH T. BROWN, prospector in ghost town

JIMMY PAKAYA,

(The episode picks up where we left off. The Bradys are still stranded in the ghost town, with Mike and Peter off to find help. Carol narrates the previous episode’s highlights, followed by flashbacks.)

(I hope Mike gets back soon with help. When we started out for Grand Canyon, who ever thought it would end like this. We all had so much fun driving along. Our mistake was stopping in this ghost town and meeting that old prospector. He seemed harmless enough, until he locked us in the jail because he thought we were gonna steal his gold claim, then he drove off in our car. We finally managed to break out of the jail, but we were still stranded without a car, food or water. And that’s when Mike and Peter left to get help. What if we’re stranded here?)

Carol: Well look, Alice, we’re not doing nay good just sitting around, why don’t we do something to try and get help.

Alice: Like what?

Carol: Well look, you round up the kids and, well, I’ll think of something.

(The scene fades. The next scene has Greg and Bobby entering an old shop.)

Bobby: Boy, I bet we can find lots of loose boards for the signal fire in here.

Greg: Yeah, listen, why don’t we… (He notices an old phone) Bobby, look at this.

Bobby: Think it works?

Greg (trying it out): Nah. (He figures out) Maybe it could. (He shows Bobby wires) Bobby, you see these wires? this phone ran off a battery of those kind. I think we can fix it. Come on.

Bobby: Where we going?

Greg: To get all our flashlight batteries and some tape.

(They leave the shop while Carol and Cindy fetch for water.)

Carol: Well, one thing’s for sure, Cindy, if we’re going to be stranded here in Cactus Creek, we’re going to need some extra water. (They stop at a pump) Here.

(She hands her a bucket.)

Cindy: Do you think there’s any water in this thing?

Carol: Well, they used to get water out of it. We won’t know until we give it a try, will we? Okay.

(She uses the pump to put water in the bucket.)

Cindy: Let me help, Mom.

Carol: Okay. At a girl.

(They keep pumping and Carol thinks they are succeeding.)

Carol: Hey, we really got it going.

(Alice, Carol and Marcia are trying to put something on the ground to catch the attention of an airplane.)

Alice: Let’s hope an airplane flies over.

Marcia: How can we possibly spell out help on the ground? It’s too hard!

Alice: The sun has baked this ground as hard as one of my biscuits. (Betsy, the donkey, lets out a bray) If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

Marcia: What we need is one of those whatchamacallits. You know. (She makes a blumming sound and gesture) A jackhammer.

Jan: Hey, I just remembered, I saw an old plow down the street.

Alice: A plow? Plow?

(She gets an idea. Alice and the girls act friendly to Betsy, hoping she’ll plow the word help for them. However, she seems to be un-co-operative.)

Jan: Come on, Betsy, please?

Alice: Stubborn old goat.

Marcia: She won’t move, Alice.

Alice: We’ve got to plow the word help.

Jan: But if Betsy won’t pull the plow, how are we going to get it pulled?

(Next, they show Alice pulling the plow, with Marcia and Jan behind her. She doesn’t succeed.)

Alice: Okay kids, you can put me out to pasture. I’ve had it. (Betsy brays again) i know just how you feel, honey.

(Marcia and Jan help her get up. Meanwhile, Carol and Cindy are still at the water pumper.)

Cindy: I think it’s coming, Mom.

Carol: Yeah! Good old H20! (The pumper lets out dust) Yep, good old H20.

Cindy: We’d better collect wood for the signal fire.

Carol: Yeah, I think you’re right.

(She pours the dust from the bucket to the ground. Greg and Bobby put batteries in the old phone.)

Greg: I hope this works. (He puts the last battery in) This is it.

Bobby: You going to try it now?

Greg: Yeah. Boy, now I know just how Alexander Graham Bell must have felt. Here we go.

(She dials and hears it ring.)

Bobby: Is it working?

Greg: Yeah, yeah, I hear it ringing.

(Cindy hears a phone ringing when she goes inside to collect wood. She picks the phone up.)

Cindy: Hello.

Greg (yelling): Help us, please help us! We’re trapped out here in the desert in a ghost town!

Cindy: That’s funny, so are we.

(A confused Greg hangs up the phone. We next see Bobby and Cindy carrying over some wood for the fire.)

Carol: That’s it. Bring it right over here. Swing it around, Bobby, that’s it. Hold on to it, that’s it. Just be careful, now. Put it down carefully. There we go. Okay, well, I guess we better light this fire and hope somebody sees the smoke.

(They hear a horn beeping and see it’s Mike, who returned with Peter and Mr. Brown. All the kids cheer.)

Carol: Mike, what happened?

Mike (getting out of the car): Well, it’s kind of difficult to explain. I think Mr. Brown better tell you.

Brown: Well, I’m terribly sorry if I, uh, gave you a turn, ma’am. It’s just that I figured you were going to jump my gold claim and I wanted to get it to town to file it before you did. I was coming back, honest I was.

Mike: That’s true, honey. We met him on the road coming back.

Brown: Now don’t be too hard on me, ma’am, I’ve just been worried sick about this gold claim I’ve been digging here for years. I haven’t dug enough gold to fill a tooth on a prairie dog.

Carol: Well, I guess all is forgiven.

Brown: Well, I’d better be… oh, before I do, for the use of the automobile, I’m going to give you 10% of my claim.

Mike: Look, that’s not necessary, like I said before, we don’t want your gold.

Bobby: Sure we do, Dad.

Brown: Sure, sure, all legalized. Now, it’s signed and everything. All you got to do is fill in the details, that’s all. I’ll be on my way.

(The whole family bids him good-bye as he takes off with Betsy.)

Greg: What does it say?

Carol (disappointed): Hey, there’s just an X here, only an X.

(They all laugh.)

Brown: Come on, Bessie, let’s go. Come on, there. We’re going to hit it yet. Don’t worry.

(He waves good-bye to them once again.)

Carol: Well, I guess we can get going again, huh?

Alice: Yeah, good-bye, ghost town. Hello, Grand Canyon.

(All the kids cheer and they get in the car. They drive along singing Clementine. They make a stop as Bobby goes to the bathroom. As they get closer to the canyon, they are greeted by a young, attractive attendant.)

Mike: Hi.

Attendant: Hi. (She hands Mike an entry pass) Have a good time.

(They all bid her good-bye and continue. They arrive at the campsite.)

Bobby: Is this it? Is this it?

Cindy: Do we see it here?

Carol: No, this isn’t it, either. This is where we park our trailer and make our camp.

(They drive a little further, finally arriving.)

Cindy: When do we see it?

Bobby: Is this it? Is this it?

Carol: Yes everybody, on the right. This is it.

(They marvel at how beautiful and exciting it looks.)

Mike: Okay, we’ll pull up here and stop and take a closer look.

(They all get out of the car and see the canyon from the top.)

Mike: Hang together.

Carol: Now, kids.

Mike: Hey!

Carol: Wait! Now, don’t get too far ahead, kids! Wait for us! Come on, Alice.

Peter: Look at this great place. You can see everything here.

(They all take a look from the top and are greatly amazed.)

Bobby: Boy, this really is it.

Greg: Wow, would you look at that.

Marcia: I never imagined it would be this beautiful.

Carol (to Jan): Do you know what the Indian name for Grand Canyon means?

Jan: What?

Carol: It means mountains lying down.

(Jan examines the canyon a little closer.)

Jan: That’s just what it looks like, mountains lying down.

Carol: It’s one of the seven natural wonders of the world.

Peter (pointing): Hey, look, Dad. There’s water down there.

Mike: Sure.

Greg: That’s the Colorado River. That’s what dug the whole canyon.

Mike: Just think of it, thousands of years of constantly running water did all that.

Peter: Wow, no wonder you don’t like us to leave the water faucets dripping.

(Greg and Mike laugh. Alice reads something to Bobby and Cindy.)

Alice: And the guidebook says it’s 218 miles long, it’s 18 miles across at its widest point and it’s over a mile deep.

Bobby: Wow, a mile deep.

Cindy: How could they measure it?

Bobby: Easy, just grab a tape measure and jump.

(Bobby pretends to jump over the railing. Alice stops him.)

Alice: Bobby!

Jan: I wish we didn’t have to sleep at the campground, I’d kind of like to sleep right her eon the rim.

Carol: Well, that sounds very nice, but I wouldn’t want to wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

(They both laugh.)

Mike: Come on, everybody, there’s a lot more to see, and remember now, let’s all stay together. Grand Canyon is a mighty big place.

(They all start to move on.)

Mike: Help you, Alice?

Alice: I can manage, thank you.

(Next, they are driving by a railroad station.)

Bobby: Boy, that’s a real old looking railroad station.

Marcia: That must have been built in the 1800s.

Greg: Probably 1870.

Alice: 1881. (Everyone looks at her) That was from the guide book, I was not a passenger.

(They all laugh. They come to another side of the canyon.)

Carol: Hey, come on everybody, here’s another great view of the canyon. It’s beautiful.

Mike: I’m going to take a group picture. Everybody line up against the wall.

Carol (to the kids): Daddy’s going to take a picture.

Mike: Get together. Alice, look this way. Smile! (He snaps the camera) Got it.

(Next, they see the Indians doing the rain dance.)

Cindy: Are those real Indians?

Carol: Of course they are, they’re Hopi Indians.

Marcia: Isn’t the dancing exciting?

Jan: Yeah, it’s real mysterious, too.

Alice: Oh, it’s not so mysterious. I’d dance like that too, if I was barefoot on a hot rock.

Bobby: What are they dancing for?

Mike: It’s a rain dance, Bob. A long time ago that’s how they used to pray for rain.

Peter: Do you think this rain dance stuff really works?

Greg: Nah, they just do it for the tourists.

(Just then, it started to rain. The next morning, they wake up to the sun shining.)

Mike: Look at that sunrise.

Carol: Gorgeous. Oh, did I sleep last night.

Marcia: Me too. Isn’t the air beautiful?

Greg: I’ll bet our lungs are wondering what happened to all the smog.

Mike: Well, let’s get going. We’re going to the bottom of the canyon this morning.

Alice: Ooh, that’s great. I didn’t know you could drive down there.

Carol: You can’t, Alice. We’re going down on mules.

Alice: Mules?

(Alice looks down at the distance and gets worried.)

Mike: What’s the matter, Alice? You’re afraid of mules?

Alice: Oh, no, I’m not afraid of them, I’m, I’m allergic to them.

Carol: Oh.

Alice: Well, at least part of me is.

Carol (to the family): Come on.

(They all go to take their trip down the canyon and the scene fades.)

untitled gc

(The next scene has the family preparing to go down the canyon on mules.)

Mike: All right everybody, remember, do exactly what the muleskinner says.

Alice (to her mule): I’ll do what the muleskinner says if you will. Is that a deal? (The mule gives no response) I’m the boss. Okay, take it easy, wait a minute. (She manages to get on but backwards)  Hey, where did everybody go?

(The next scene shows the family going down the canyon. They finally make it down and Mike and the boys are setting up camp. Greg and Peter are coming out of the tent.)

Greg: Well, you and Mom are set now.

Mike: Yeah. Well, listen, we better go and set up the cooking gear for Alice now, okay?

Peter: Aren’t the girls going to do any work?

Mike: Peter, after dinner, when it’s time to do the dishes, we men are going to get even.

Greg: Yeah, well, make sure they don’t forget it. Come on, Pete. The sooner we finish this, the sooner we can go exploring.

(Mike offers them some wter.)

Mike: Want some?

Greg; No, thanks.

Mike: Oh, wait a minute. Listen, I’ve already reminded the rest of the kids. This isn’t a playground down here, you know. It’s a wilderness that could be dangerous so you stay inside of camp and don’t go wandering off, okay?

Greg; We will, Dad. Come on, Pete.

Mike: Remember.

(Carol and Alice are putting sleeping bags in their tent.)

Carol: That’s two. (He hands Alice another sleeping bag) That’s three.  (She puts another one in) And that’s…

Alice (emerging from the tent): It, Mrs. Brady! We’re wall to wall sleeping bags in here now.

Mike (coming up to Carol): Well, you all, squared away?

Carol: Well, we’ve taken care of the girls and the boys are gonna sleep outdoors.

Mike: Yeah? Well, what do you think of Yatahay flats?

Alice: Yatawho?

Mike: Yatahay. Indian word, means hello or welcome.

Alice: Oh, that’s good to know. It’ll come in handy if I happen to bump into Tonto.

(Mike and Carol laugh.)

Mike: Well, what do you think?

Carol: Well, I can’t think of any other place I’d rather be.

(She hugs Mike.)

Mike: You can’t, huh, Well, it’s all yours for the next three days. That’s when the muleskinner comes back with the mules to take us back up.

Alice: Three days, huh.

Carol: Now Alice, you didn’t really mind that mule ride, did you?

Alice: Oh, no, Mrs. Brady, I didn’t bother me at all. In fact, just toward the end I was really beginning to break my stride. I better start getting dinner ready.

(Alice walks off and her butt is seemingly sore form the ride.)

Carol (laughing): Poor Alice, I better give her a hand with dinner.

(She joins Alice and her butt has the same effect.)

Mike (laughing to himself): Poor Alice, poor Carol.

(He walks to the tent with the same result.)

(Bobby is looking for dinosaur fossils. Cindy joins him.)

Cindy: What you looking for?

Bobby: A dinosaur fossil.

Cindy: What’s a dinosaur fossil?

Bobby: It’s a real old animal, it’s real big and it’s hard as rock.

Cindy: Bet they make rotten pets.

Bobby: They’re not alive anymore, they’re just bones.

(Cindy gives a seething look as they move on to find more.)

Bobby: Come on, Cindy.

(They run into Jimmy, an Indian boy.)

Bobby: Hi.

(Jimmy runs away.)

Cindy: Gee, an Indian boy.

Bobby: Come on, let’s follow him.

(They chase after Jimmy. Meanwhile, the rest of the family is back at camp. Greg comes running back in hysteria after he unsuccessfully tries to find them.)

Greg: Dad, I can’t find them anywhere, I looked and yelled for them, and there’s no answer.

Mike: Didn’t I tell you kids not to wander away from camp?

Carol: Where do you suppose they could be?

Mike: Oh, honey, I don’t know. Well, why don’t we divide up into groups and we’ll go look for them. Greg, you and Jan go with your Mom. Peter, you and Marcia come with me. Alice will be here in case they come back on their own, okay? (a little more sternly) Remember, you stay with your groups, right?

Jan: Okay.

Greg: Come on.

Carol: Mike, it’s going to be dark soon.

Mike: Don’t worry, we’ll find them, come on.

(Meanwhile, Bobby and Cindy give up on Jimmy and realize they need to go back.)

Bobby: Wow, he just disappeared.

Cindy: Maybe we better go back now, it’s getting dark.

Bobby: Yeah.

(He tries to figure out how to get back.)

Cindy: Don’t you nw the way back?

Bobby: Sure I do. Didn’t we come that way? (He points to one direction but is unsure) Maybe it was that way. I guess I don’t know.

(Meanwhile, Mike, Peter and Marcia are trying to find them.)

Peter (calling): Bobby!

Marcia: Cindy!

Peter: It’s like they just disappeared.

Mike: Maybe your mom’s found them. (He calls) Bobby!, Cindy! Come on, kids.

(Bobby and Cindy are wandering around aimlessly.)

Cindy: I’m tired. (to Bobby) This is all your fault, you wanted to chase after that Indian boy.

Bobby: How was I supposed to know we’d get lost? Don’t worry, Cindy. Things are beginning to look familiar, our camp is that way.

Cindy: We already went that way.

Bobby: Maybe we went this way. Come on.

(Mike is still looking for them with Marcia and Peter.)

Mike: Bobby!

Marcia: Bobby!, Cindy!

Peter: What is it, Dad?

Mike: Well, I’m a little worried about the time.

Marcia: It’ll be night soon, won’t it?

Peter: If it gets any darker, we’ll never find them.

Marcia: All right, easy kids, Come on, let’s keep looking.

(Carol, Greg and Jan are also looking for them.)

Carol: Bobby! Cindy! (She notices how long and far the canyon is.) Oh kids, please, answer. Please answer.

(Cut back to Mike, Marcia and Peter.)

Mike: Bobby! Cindy!

Peter: I hope they didn’t fall off a cliff or something.

Marcia: They couldn’t have fallen off a cliff, we’re at the bottom of the canyon.

Peter: Well, if we don’t find them soon, we’ll freeze out here.

Mike: Oh Peter, nobody’s going to freeze out here, it doesn’t get that cold. Besides, we’re going to find them anyway. Now, let’s keep on looking and think positive.

Marcia: Right, Dad.

Peter: I hope they didn’t run into a mountain lion.

Mike; Come on, come on.

(Bobby and Cindy are still wandering around, not knowing where they are.)

Bobby: Don’t cry, Cindy. We’ll get out of here.

Cindy: Maybe there are wild animals around here.

Bobby: Maybe there aren’t.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has the rest of the family still looking for Bobby and Cindy.)

Peter: Bobby!

Marcia: Cindy!

Mike: Bobby! Cindy! Come on, kids.

Carol: Bobby! Cindy!

(The camera shows Bobby and Cindy sitting on a rock, hopeless of being found.)

                                        END OF PART 2

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S3 E1 Ghost Town U.S.A.

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Ghost Town U.S.A.

Written by Howard Leeds

The Bradys head for a trip to the Grand canyon but wind up stranded in an old ghost town. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

Gas attendant

ZACCARIAH T. BROWN, prospector

(The episode begins with Alice vacuuming the living room/dining area. Jan comes down the stairs to speak to her.)

Jan: Alice, (Alice doesn’t hear her) Alice, (she still can’t hear so Jan gets closer to her) Alice! (Alice turns around startled) Oh, I’m sorry, did I scare you?

Alice: Oh, no, I always jump like that like I vacuum the living room?

Jan (laughing): Listen, Alice, Mom and Dad must’ve told you something about the surprise.

Alice: All they said was they were bringing home a big surprise, and we’d all get to see it when they get here.

Jan: Alice, Alice, if you give me a little hint, I’ll tell you a big secret.

Alice: Honey, I really don’t know what it is, honest. Look, please, do me a favor, go tell your brothers and sisters not to bother pumping me, the well is dry.

(Jan goes back up the stairs and Alice resumes vacuuming. She shakes her head no to the boys while passing their room and goes in her room with Marcia and Cindy.  She makes the same gesture to them, causing them to sulk. Mike and Carol come home while Alice is still vacuuming.)

Carol: Alice. (She taps her and startles her again) Sorry, Alice.

Alice: Oh, that’s all right. I just got to learn to be more touchable.

Mike: Well, we finally got home.

Alice: And just in the nick of time, too.

Carol: Is something wrong?

Alice: Yes, there certainly is. You have got six children and one housekeeper dying of a disease called curiosity.

Mike (laughing): Well, I’ve got just the cure for that. (calling) Hey, kids, come on down!Marcia, Greg.

Alice (to Carol): You care to give me a little hint?

Carol: Not particularly.

(The kids all come running downstairs.)

Peter: Here we come.

(All the other kids inquire what the surprise is.)

Mike: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes, it’s for all of you. The surprise is for the whole family and if you hold it down to a dull roar, I’m gonna show you. Come on.

Carol: Come on, over here. (They lead the kids to the door) All of you, look out the window there. Alice, you too, you’re gonna see a big surprise.

Mike: Wala, the surprise.

(He opens the shades and the kids see a huge camper.)

Peter: It’s the big building down kind.

Mike: Hey, hey, hey, we’re all gonna go on a great big trip to Grand Canyon!

(The kids get excited as the scene fades.)

(That evening, Mike and the boys are in the garage sorting out sleeping bags and other camping equipment.)

Mike: Greg, listen, I want you to open all these bags up and make sure they’re in good condition.

Greg: Okay, Dad.

Bobby: Gee, I can’t wait to get started. Grand Canyon, wow.

Mike: Well, it’s not just the canyon, Bob. We can learn all about the Indian tribes who lived there, like the Havasupai, the Hopi, the Hualapai, the Navajo .

Peter: How did they get such strange names?

Mike: Well, each name means something, Pete. Like Havasupai means great people of blue, green running water.

Bobby: How about my name, Dad. Does Bobby mean anything?

Peter (petulantly): Yeah, it means little man with great big, running mouth.

(Bobby starts to push Peter.)

Mike: Hey, hey, come on, a little work done here.

(Upstairs in the girls room, they are also talking about the trip and getting prepared.)

Marcia: Gee, I can’t wait to get there.

Jan: Yeah, it really must be beautiful.

Cindy: I want to meet the Indians and see the cabooses.

Marcia: That’s papooses, a caboose is the back end of a train.

Cindy: Oh, I thought it was the back end of an Indian.

(Marcia and Jan laugh. Carol comes in.)

Carol: How’s it going girls?

Girls: Fine.

Jan: We’re packing.

Carol: Good, now mostly sweaters and jeans. And remember, we leave bright and early in the morning.

Marcia: Can we do to the bottom of the canyon too, Mom?

Carol: Sure, that’s the most exciting part of the trip. One mile, straight down.

Jan: Wow.

Cindy: How do we get down there?

Carol: That’s what makes it exciting. We ride down by mule train.

Cindy (getting excited): Oh, good.

Marcia: Boy.

Jan: What’s so funny?

Marcia: Can you see Alice on a mule?

Cindy (to Carol): She won’t even ride on the merry-go-round with me.

Carol: Listen, girls, I think we better wait for the best psychological moment to tell Alice about the mule.

Marcia: When?

Carol: When she’s sitting on it.

(They all laugh. The next day, the family is ready to go. Mike locks the doors to the house.)

Carol (walking to the station wagon with Mike): Okay, kids, are you all set?

Mike: Come on, load up.

Carol: Everybody in.

(The kids all get inside the car. Mike gets in the driver’s seat.)

Mike (calling): Uh. hey! hey! Listen, one last check, are you sure you took care of every detail you were supposed to? (the kids all answer yes) Are you positive you haven’t forgotten anything? (they all agreed) Okay, Grand Canyon, here we come.

(They take off but it turns out they left the camper behind. We next see them on the road with the camper in tow, singmg “Row, row, row your boat”. They stop off at a gas station.)

Mike: Kids, listen, don’t dally, because I want to make that trailer camp by nighfall.

(Mike is met by a friendly gas attendant.)

Attendant: Howdy, you got it a little rough, sir?

Mike: Yeah, we got a long way to go, thanks.

Attendant: Good.

(Bobby goes to ask him about the bathroom.)

Bobby: Hey, mister, where is the…

Attendant: It’s right up the stairs there, little buddy.

Cindy: Hey, mister.

Attendant: There’s one up there for you, too.

(They go upstairs to relieve themselves, as does Alice.)

Attendant: Where are you folks all headed for?

Carol: Grand Canyon.

Attendant: Boy, that place sure gets crowded this time of year. Even the squirrels need reservations. (He laughs) Don’t you get it? Even the squirrels need…

Carol: Yeah, we get it.

Mike: So, we’ll be camping out.

Attendant: That’s great.

Carol: Listen, is there anything interesting to see around this area?

Attendant: No, not too much outside of Cactus Creek.

Mike: Cactus Creek?

Attendant: Yeah, it used to be an gold boom there, ain’t nothing but an old ghost town now. Been deserted for years.

Peter (excited): Ghost town?

Greg: Dad, why don’t we stop by…

(The other kids request to see the ghost town as well. Cindy goes over to join Carol.)

Mike: How far is this Cactus Creek?

Attendant: Well, let’s see, straight down the highway, first dirt road turnoff, make a left, go about 20 miles.

Carol: Oh, gee, we’ll never make the trailer camp by nightfall.

Greg: Why don’t we camp out at the ghost town tonight instead.

(The other kids agree.)

Mike (to Carol): What do you think, honey?

Carol: Well, if that’s what everybody wants, it’s okay with me.

(All the kids cheer. They all get into the car as the attendant totals their bill.)

Attendant: Well, let’s see. With the drinks that’ll be $6.50.

Mike: Okay.

Attendant: Cash money if you don’t mind.

Mike: Okay. (He takes six dollars out) Six (he then takes 50 cents) 50.

Attendant: There we go.

Mike: Thanks.

Attendant: Thank you, I appreciate the business. (He turns to the kids) All right, you kids, now don’t let a ghost get you. (They laugh along with him) So long, now. Bye, bye, have a good time.

(They start to take off but then realize they forgot somebody.)

Mike (yelling): Alice!

(Alice runs down and joins them.)

Alice: I thought I heard you drive off.

(They drive to the ghost town while singing “The Gang’s All Here”, until they arrive. The kids start to admire it.)

Cindy: Can we go look around, Daddy?

Mike: No, first we have to set up camp. Come on, on the double. Everybody pitches in.

Jan (to Carol): Sure is a neat old ghost town.

Alice: I don’t like that word, ghost town.

(We next see the family setting up camp and getting everything together as Zaccariah Brown, an old prospector, watches from the upstairs balcony of an abandoned house as the scene fades out.)

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(The next scene shows the boys walking around and talking.)

Peter: I bet we’re the only ones who ever camped out in a ghost town.

Greg: Hey, look.

(They go up to a stagecoach.)

Peter: Stand by and I’ll take a picture of you.

(Bobby climbs up on the stagecoach.)

Greg: I got a better idea. We’ll make a movie. The great stagecoach robbery.

Peter: Who’s gonna be the crook?

Bobby: You. You got shifty eyes.

Greg (calling): Marcia, Jan, Cindy!

(They come running.)

Marcia: Yeah.

Greg: You wanna be in a movie.

Peter: The great stagecoach robbery.

Girls: Oh yeah, that be fun.

Bobby: I wanna be the stagecoach driver.

Greg: Okay, Bobby, climb up. Peter, you’re the crook, right?

Bobby (teasing): That’s because he’s got shifty eyes.

Peter: You’re gonna be the first guy I shoot.

Greg: Okay, you guys, let’s start the robbery.

Peter: Okay. Marcia, can I borrow your scarf.

Marcia: Sure.

Greg: Marcia, you be the new school marm who’s coming into town. And Jan and Cindy, (Pause) two dance hall girls who’s coming to work in the saloon.

Jan: Okay.

(She and Cindy put their arms around each other and do a dance.)

Greg (aggravated): All right, all right. Come on, let’s get up in the stagecoach. Everybody up. Listen, everybody stick their heads out the window.

Marcia: Just get up and sit in.

Greg: Yeah, right. (He helps the girls get in and then turns to Peter) Listen, when I say action Peter, you run in on your horse and stick them up.

Peter: Okay.

(Peter goes to his position and Greg starts to shoot.)

Greg: All right everyone, action.

(Peter runs up to the stagecoach.)

Peter: Stick ’em up, hands high.

(The girls and also Bobby put their hands up.)

Greg: Bobby, you’re supposed to protect the gold and your passengers, protest.

Bobby: You can’t hold us up. (Peter pretends to shoot him) You shoot me again and I’m gonna get mad.

Greg: Bobby, you’re shot, die.

Bobby: I don’t wanna die yet, I just started acting.

Greg: I said to die.

Bobby (reluctantly): Okay.

(Peter pretends to shoot him again and Bobby makes gestures that he’s dying as the girls pretend to look on with horror.)

Greg (impatient): Would you die already?

(Bobby finally pretends to die as Mr. Brown watches from a store across from them.)

Peter: Okay, everyone out and make it quick.

(The girls all come out.)

Greg: Get their jewelry, Peter.

Peter: Give me all your jewelry, everything.

Greg: Dance hall girls, flirt with him so he won’t take your jewelry.

(Jan and Cindy go up to him.)

Jan (to Peter): You’re kinda cute.

Alice (calling): Okay kids, Greg ,Marcia, everybody. (She whistles and taps her pan) Chowtime, come and get it. (She makes that noise with her teeth again.)

Carol: Boy, that ought to raise a few ghosts around here.

Greg: Come on, we can finish the robbery after we eat.

(They join Alice and their parents as Mr. Brown continues to watch them.)

Peter: This is really great chicken, Alice.

(The family agrees.)

Alice: Anybody want seconds? plenty of fried chicken here.

(They all decline, suggesting they are full. Mr. Brown sneaks up and takes the last piece Alice left out for them. Alice discovers it missing.)

Alice (to herself): Either my eyes are playing tricks on me or that chicken leg got up and walked away.

(We next see Mr. Brown talking to his mule, Betsy, seemingly his only companion.)

Brown: They’re quirked if they plan to stay a while. Yes sir, I wonder how they heard about my stripe, huh. That won’t happen again. No sir, I know just how to outslick them slickers. (He snickers) Put a big smile on your face, Betsy? And don’t do nothing suspicious, there you go.

(He offers her a bite of chickens and Betsy lets out a bray. We show the family still enjoying their dinner and time together.)

Cindy: If this is a ghost town, when do we get to see the ghosts?

Carol (laughing): there aren’t really any ghosts, Cindy.

Alice: Absolutely, no ghosts.

Mike: They call it a ghost town because that’s all that’s left, just a memory of what used to be.

(Mr. Brown comes to meet the family.)

Brown: Howdy folks. (They get startled by him and Betsy.) Well now, I didn’t mean to frighten you, just wanted to welcome you. Brown’s my name, Zaccariah T. Me and Betsy wanna welcome you to Cactus Creek.

(Mike rises to shake his hand.)

Mike: Thank you, Mr. Brown, Brady’s the name. This is my wife, family and Alice.

(The family all say hi.)

Brown: Seems like you got away with chicken, ma’am, I ain’t eaten in three days.

Alice (suspicious): There are crumbs in your whiskers.

Brown: I haven’t washed in three days either.

(He follows his remark with a horselaugh, the family joins in.)

Mike: Would you care to join us in a bite, Mr. Brown?

Brown: Oh, yes, yes, yes, just to be friendly. (to the family) Well, what are you doing in these parts? We don’t often see strangers.

Carol: Well, we’re just passing through on our way to the Grand Canyon.

Bobby: We’re gonna find some gold.

Brown: I kinda figured that, young man.

Greg: Were you here during the big gold boom, Mr. Brown?

Brown: Well, my granddaddy he made the first strike and then he built this town. Uh, I tell you the stories I could tell you would keep you bug eyed.

(The kids begged him to tell some stories.)

Carol: We really would love to hear some, Mr. Brown.

Brown: Well, I might be able to if I had the right kind of encouragement (chicken).

Mike: Uh, Alice, do we have any more encouragement left there?

Alice: He’s got a choice. Would you like to be encouraged by the neck or the part that goes over the fence lattice?

Brown (laughing): I never could make decisions. I’ll take both kinds.

(Alice happily gets him more chicken and he shows them around the ghost town.)

Brown: Now, this whole belonged to my granddaddy. (He shows them an old blacksmith) Now, now this here, this here is the blacksmith. A smithy named Murphy, strongest man I ever saw. He used to pick up a horse with one arm and he would shoe it with the other.

Mike (laughing): You wouldn’t kid a man,  would you, Mr. Brown.

Brown: No, no, terrible thing about Murphy, he got killed, holding up a train.

Alice: Did he get shot?

Brown: No, he held it up as long as he could, and it fell on him.

(They all laugh. He shows them another part of the town.)

Brown: Now, this here is what you might call a visitor. I tell you, fancy people in carriages. I tell you, it was really something in the old days.

Alice: Is this the saloon where you used to whoop it up?

Brown: What, the saloon? Oh yeah. We all had some real window rattlers in there. I tell you, boys would come down from the hills in the bags of gold, drinking, shooting and gambling, (a little louder) drinking, shooting and gambling, (he takes his hat off) except for Sunday, no gambling.

Carol: Really very touching, Mr. Brown.

Brown: I’ll tell you something very few folks know. Kind of a crooked poker game in there, Jesse James went to jail for the first time in his life.

Peter (excited): Jesse James!

Brown: Yes sir, the one and only Jesse James.

Mike: I never knew Jesse James was ever in this part of the country.

Brown: Mr. Brady, are you gonna believe me or those phony history books? I can prove it, follow me and I’ll show you. Come on, follow me, let’s go. (He leads them to the old county jail) Yes sir, you can’t believe everything you read in them history books. You’re in the old west, you wanna know. He sure lived in there, Jesse James. And I’ll tell you something, I can prove it. Absolutely. Jesse James carved his initials right in the wall of this here jail.

Carol: Can we see it?

Brown: Of course you can see it. (He opens the door and lets them in) Here you are, right in here. That is where you will see that, then you’ll know what I’m talking about. Right in the cell there. (They all go inside the cell) go right over there to the cot.

Carol: We don’t see anything.

Brown: Of course you can’t see, over there in the corner. Now, all of you, move the cot, that’s it.

(Once they all turn their backs, he locks the cell. They all turn around in shock.)

Carol: Hey, what are you doing?

Brown: What am I doing? I’m stopping you slickers from stealing my claim, that’s what I’m doing.

Carol: What claim?

Brown: What claim? My gold claim.

Mike: We don’t want any of your gold.

Bobby: Sure we do, Dad.

Mike (sternly): Bobby.

Brown: I’ll take his word for it.

Carol: Look Mr. (Pause) Brown, I can assure we have no interest…

Brown: You think you can put one over on Zaccariah T. Brown, did you. Well, you got another thing coming. You’d have to get up early in the morning. You better believe it.

(He runs out and leaves them in the cell.)

Carol: Hey!

(Mr. Brown goes and takes their car and camper. The family watches helplessly.)

Mike: He’s taking the car and the trailer. (He shouts) Hey!

Carol (pleading): Mike, do something!

Mike: It’s all right, honey. I’m sure we can break out of here. The bars must be rusted halfway through.

(He tries to break open the bars. He has the kids stand back.)

Carol: Watch out, kids.

(He tries unsuccessfully to break the bars open.)

Mike: That’s pretty strong rust.

Carol: Honey, what are we gonna do?

(The family is still in the cell, trying to figure out a way out of there.)

Carol: There must be a way out.

Bobby: Hey Dad, think we can use the key?

Mike: What key?

Bobby: The one hanging on the post, I just noticed it.

(Mike and the rest of the family see the key as well.)

Greg: I thought that nutty old prospector took the key.

Mike: He did. I saw him take it.

Peter: There’s two of them. One for the sheriff and one for the deputy.

Mike: Oh.

Peter: Sure, that’s always the way it is in westerns.

Carol: Well, that’s it then. All we have to do is get (Pause) The key.

Bobby: I’ve seen a lot of cowboy movies. All we have to do is wait for our gang to ride into town and bust us out.

Carol: Oh, Bobby.

Greg: We don’t have a gang dum-dum.

Peter: Hey, wait a second. I once saw a western where a guy was in jail. (He goes to the window to demonstrate) He went over to the window and whistled for his horse.

(Peter whistles as the rest of the family is about to scoff.)

Greg: Off again.

Peter: He took the rope off the saddle and made a great big lasso, then went over to the bars, and tied it on.

Mike: Wait a minute! I think I got it!

Carol: What?

Mike: Who’s got a belt?

Carol: Well, I do honey, but what do you need a belt for?

Mike: To make a rope. If you can rope a steer or a horse, why not a key?

(The next scene has Mike trying to get the key from the post, using Carol’s belt, but without much success. When he finally gets it to hit the post, the belt separates into two pieces.)

Mike: Well, we’ll have to go along with plan B.

Alice: What’s plan B?

(We next show the Bradys in bare feet, as Mike took their shoes and socks for bait to get the key. Mike throws their shoes, hoping to hit the key and knock it down.)

Mike: Okay, now for the big guns.

(He grabs a pair of boots.)

Carol: Keep your fingers crossed.

(He misses with the first boot, but succeeds with the next, as everyone cheers.)

Mike: Okay, okay, now we’ll put those socks to use.

(He takes the socks and ties them together, to make a line with Carol’s purse to lure the key to them, so he can open the door and get them out.)

Carol: Boy, it’s a good thing I had my purse with me.

(Mike puts the bag over the key and uses the socks to bring it to them.)

Mike: Okay, come on, come on, easy, that’s it. come on.

(The Bradys are next seen coming out of the jail.)

Carol: Hey, kids, come here.

Mike: Kids.

Carol: We’re free but we’re still stranded, remember.

Mike: Honey, I’m gonna try to walk down to the main road to see if I can flag somebody down.

Carol (annoyed): Mike, that’s 20 miles from here.

Mike: Well, I can’t think of any other way. besides, if it gets too hot, I’ll (Pause) rest during the day and (Pause) walk at night.

Carol: Well, I don’t like the idea but, I guess you’re right.

Greg: Can I go with you, Dad? You always say no one should hike alone.

Mike: Greg, I need a man to stay behind and watch out for the others and I’m kinda counting on you to do that, okay.

Greg: All right.

Peter: Then can I go, Dad?

Mike: You think you’re up to it?

Peter: I sure am.

Mike: Okay.

Alice: I’ll give the canteens some water.

(Carol goes to kiss Mike and Peter goodbye.)

Carol (to Mike): We’ll be waiting and (to Peter) you be careful.

(The scene fades. the final scene for the first part of the episode has Carol looking at her watch, with Alice sitting and waiting.)

Alice: I wonder if they reached the highway yet, how long have they been gone anyway?

Carol: 20 minutes.

Alice: How time flies when you’re having fun.

Carol (to herself): No water, no food, what if Mike and Peter can’t make it to the highway? What’s gonna happen to them? To all of us?

                              END OF PART 1

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