S4 E10 Goodbye Alice, Hello

Goodbye Alice, Hello

Written by Milt Rosen

Alice quits her job after a few misunderstandings with the kids, who believes she finked on them. Hope you enjoy the script.










KAY, Alice’s friend and temporary replacement

MR. FOSTER, manager of coffee shop

CUSTOMER at coffee shop

(The episode begins with Greg and Peter coming home, engaging in horseplay. They’re throwing their books to each other as in playing catch, but rather roughly. they enter the kitchen.)

Alice: hey, wait a minute, you guys. This is a kitchen, not a coliseum.

Greg: We’re just getting in a little practice, Alice.

Alice: yeah, well, wait a second. (she hands Peter a frisbee) is this yours?

Peter: No, it’s Bobby’s.

Alice: Well, tell him it won’t be if he doesn’t keep it out of the kitchen. Take it up to him.

Peter: Yeah, sure. (They head to the stairway) Greg, you take it.

(He throws it to him.)

Greg (throwing it back): Alice asked you to do it.

Peter: you do it. You’re older.

(He threw it to him again but Greg didn’t catch it. It went throught he window to the den and they heard a cracking sound.)

Peter: Oh, no, something broke.

Greg: I think we better go take a look.

(We see a glimpse of the den and the frisbee hit a lamp.)

Peter: Oh no, the antique lamp.

Greg: Mom’s gonna kill us.

Alice: Personally I don’t think you’re gonna get off that easy.

(The scene fades away.)

(The next scene has the guys picking the lamp up to try to fix it. Alice shuts the shutters on the windows)

Greg: Let’s get this on the table. (He puts Bobby’s frisbee down) I hope we’ll be able to fix it before Mom gets home.

Peter: I got some model airplane glue. It dries real fast.

Greg: Good deal. (He turns to Alice) Alice, not a word of this to anyone.

Alice: Fellas, I’m no squealer.

Peter: It’s real important.

Alice: My mouth is shut.

Greg: Thanks.

Alice: I better shut my eyes too.

Peter: What for?

Alice (slowly): Because if that lamp doesn’t pass inspection, I don’t want to see what your Mom’s gonna do to you.

(The next scene has the guys gluing the lamp together in their room.)

Greg: That does it. What do you think?

Peter: Great. Nobody will know it was broken.

Greg: Good. (There is a knock on the door) Who is it?

Bobby: It’s me, who do you think it is?

Peter: you think we can trust Bobby?

Greg: No way. He wouldn’t squeal, he’s too young though, he might let it slip. Let’s get this in the closet.

(Bobby continues to knock.)

Bobby: Hey, what’s with you guys? Let me in.

Greg: in a minute, Bobby. (He puts the lamp away and turns to Peter) Pretend like you’re studying.

(He and Peter grab their books and Peter gets up to his bed. Greg opens the door to let Bobby in.)

Bobby: what did you have the door locked for?

Peter: We’re studying.

Bobby: Since when are you guys so crazy about homework?

Greg: We just didn’t want to be disturbed, that’s all.

Bobby: Well, I just wanted to get my football.

(He heads to the closet but Greg quickly gets up.)

Greg: I’ll get it.

Bobby: Why?

Greg: Why not, I’m your brother. If you want your football, I’ll get it for you. (He take sit and give sit to Bobby) Go get ‘Em, Tiger. Sock it to them.

Bobby: But I need my helmet, too.

Peter: How would you like to use my helmet.

Bobby: Yours, you never lend me yours.

Peter: I will now. (He reaches in the closet for it and puts it on his head) Good luck in the game. You can adjust the straps. Have a great game, kid.

( Bobby leaves and Peter slaps his butt. Cut to outside, where Carol is coming home in her station wagon. Back upstairs, Peter and Greg are bringing the lamp back to the den. Back outside, Carol gets out of the car and heads into the house with a couple of boxes in her hand. She enters the kitchen.)

Carol: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi, Mrs. Brady.

Carol (exhausted): Oh, boy, were the stores crowded today. Anything new happen around here?

Alice: Nope.

Carol: That was a pretty fast nope.

Alice: Yep.

Carol: Okay. (She sees what Alice is cooking) Mmmm.

(She walks through the kitchen and puts the boxes down. She goes into the den while Alice looks on worriedly. Carol notices the glue on the lamp. She picks it up and finds that it was broken.)

Carol: Oh, no, no, Alice! Alice!

Alice (appearing at the door): Yes, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Alice, did u come in here today?

Alice: Nope.

Carol: You’re sure.

Alice: Yep.

Carol: you’re beginning to sound like Gary Cooper again. Look!

(She points at the break in the lamp.)

Alice: Oh, my. How in the world do you suppose that happened?

Carol: that is what I’m trying to find out. Now, Alice, who was in here today?

Alice: Who? Well, it could be almost anybody. Hard to say.

Carol: Now look, Alice, this is very important. Please, now you always told me the truth befors, haven’t you?

Alice: Oh yes, ma’am, I’ve always told you the truth. The truth was something I have always told you. I’ve always told you the truth.

Carol: Now, look, Alice, I want to know how this happened, what happened, who did it, and why.

Alice: Is that a direct question? (Carol points at her) yep, that is a direct question.

(Next, Greg and Peter are up in their room with Bobby. They are angry at Alice for telling Carol.)

Greg: Alice is some friend.

Peter: Yeah, she said she’d keep her mouth shut. She sure opened it in a hurry.

Bobby: Maybe it wasn’t Alice’s fault.

Greg: Nobody else knew we broke the lamp.

Peter: Good old Alice, she costed me a week’s allowance.

Greg: What about me, my allowance is bigger.

(Alice knocks the door and comes in.)

Alice: Guys, I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I didn’t want to say anything.

Peter: Sure.

Alice: There was no way out of it. Now, I could lie to your mother.

Greg: Couldn’t you have just said nothing.

Alice: I tried. Honest I did, I really tried.

(The boys look at her in disbelief. She leaves the room.)

(We next see Carol in the family room She notices the stereo is stil playing.)

Carol: Alice, was anybody playing the record player last night?

Alice: Marcia, she must have played that new album of hers about 20 times.

(Next, we see Marcia in her room complaining to get sisters.)

Marcia: Wouldn’t you call that squealing? (Pause) All Alice had to do was turn off the record player.

Jan: Maybe she didn’t know the record player was on.

Cindy: Yeah, maybe she didn’t.

Marcia: Alice knows everything that goes on around here. Now I can’t use the stereo for a whole week. I never thought that Alice would turn into a squealer.

(Alice comes in the room.)

Alice: Hey, girls, I finally got it worked out. We’re gonna have the pillow cases match the sheets.

Marcia (sarcastically): Grand.

Alice: Ever since I washed the yellow cases with the blue sheets, I never had anything caught up. (She notices Jan reading) Jan. aren’t you supposed to be wearing your glasses while you’re reading?

Jan: It’s too much trouble.

Alice: Your folks said when you read, you wear them, remember?

Marcia: You better put them on or she’ll squeal on you too.

Alice (surprised): Squeal? Oh. You mean Peter and Greg.

Marcia: I mean me. You told Mom that I left the record player on all night.

Alice: I told what?

Marcia: You know what. Now I can’t use the stereo for a whole week.

Alice: Honey, I had no idea when she asked me who’d been using it and why she wanted to know.

Marcia: Sure you didn’t.

Alice: Honest, she just asked me a question and I answered it. (Marcia refuses to believe her) I’m sorry. (Jan and Cindy look at her with disbelief) No matter what I say nowadays, it turns out to be something I shouldn’t have said.

(She leaves the room. Next, she is in the kitchen and Bobby and Cindy come in, wearing robes.)

Bobby: We’re ready to go, Alice.

Cindy: The new people on the corner invited us over to swim.

Alice: Good. Find out if they have a housekeeper, maybe she’ll invite me over. Bobby, are you wearing your new trunks or those old ones with all the holes. (She opens the robes and sees that he’s naked underneath) Ahh, you’re not wearing your bathing suit, you’re wearing your birthday suit.

Bobby (protesting): They swim without clothes over there.

(She opens Cindy’s robe and the same thing.)

Cindy: We can’t wear any if they don’t wear any.

Alice: Who moved in down there, Adam and Eve?

Cindy: No, theyre the Bellfields.

Bobby: Their father’s a doctor.

Alice: He can’t have much of a practice if they can’t afford bathing suits. Now upstairs and suit up.

Bobby: Dr. Bellfields said the sun has lots of vitamins.

Alice: So does orange juice but you don’t go swimming in it. Come on, upstairs.

Cindy: Why can’t we go like this.?

Alice: You are not gonna swim in an X-rated swimming pool without your parents’ permission.

Bobby: But Alice.

Alice: No buts. Out, out, out, out.

(The next day, Alice is folding clothes in the kitchen and Jan and Peter come in from school.)

Alice: Hi kids, how was school today?

Peter: Okay.

Alice: You both had tests, didn’t you?

Jan: Yeah.

(Marcia and Jan followed them in.)

Alice: Hi.

Marcia: Hi.

Alice: Hey, I got some beautiful peaches today, you you want some?

Greg: No, thank you.

(They walk away and Alice fees ignored.)

(Cut to the backyard, where Bobby and Cindy are infixing something in the garage. Ali,ce is outside hanging up wash.)

Cindy: Can you fix it?

Bobby: Sure, it will be easy. (He tries but with no success) Her, it’s harder than I thought.

Cindy : Maybe Alice can fix it.

Bobby: We don’t want Alice doing us any favors.

Cindy: Yeah, you’re right. Greg and Peter said we can’t trust her anymore.

Bobby: Marcia and Jan said to the same thing.

Cindy: I guess Alice isn’t our friend anymore.

Bobby: Yeah, remember how we all used to like her?

(Unbeknownst to them, Alice is outside the garage watching them on the verge of tears, as the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Alice visiting her friend Kay. She tearfully speaks to her about her misunderstandings with the kids.)

Alice: Oh, I just don’t understand it, Kay. I don’t know how it happened between the kids an dme.

Kay: Don’t start crying again, Alice. The coffee is weak enough already.

(She gives Alice a tissue to wipe her eyes.)

Alice: I feel so awful.

Kay: Look, Alice, it’s not the end of the world.

Alice: We used to have such fun together. my last birthday, the boys, they made up this big card, like a diploma. They made me an honorary brother. And the girls made my birthday cake, it was just terrible. It was all dry, lumps of flower and the whipped cream was sour and the icing was runny and, (she starts to cry) I just loved it. (she bursts into tears) I had three pieces.

(Kay hands her some more tissues.)

Kay: Can’t you talk to Mr. and Mrs. Brady about this?

Alice: That, that’ll just make it worse for the kids. I mean, they’d resent me even more. Besides, I can’t make them order the kids to like me.

Kay: Alice, you made the worst mistake a housekeeper can make. That is getting too emotionally involved with the family. And I speak from experience. When I’m working, I just do my work. Getting too attached can break your heart.

Alice: That’s why I gotta leave right away. the sooner, the better. You gotta help me, Kay, I mean, as long as you’re not working right now, you can fill in for me until the Bradys find a regular housekeeper.

Kay: What excuse are you gonna give them for leaving?

Alice (crying): I don’t know. I’ll think of something.

Katy (handing her another tissue): Alice, are you sure this is what you want?

Alice: No, this isn’t what I want. But it’s what’s best and the sooner I leave the better.

(Alice cries a little harder and we cut to the next day when she tells Carol she’s resigning.)

Carol (shocked): Leaving? (Pause) Alice, I don’t know what to say.

Alice: Well, my Uncle Winston called me last night and I wanted to tell you right there and then I just couldn’t.

Carol: Alice, yeah I could tell you were upset about something.

Alice: You see, my Uncle Winston has this very nice dress shop but two days ago the woman who runs it for him just up and eloped. I’d be taking over for her.

(There is a long pause between her and Alice.)

Carol: Oh, that really sounds like a very good job, Alice.

Alice: I could earn quite a bit of money and then eventually I’d be partner. It’s really a terrific opportunity.

Carol: Well, you know we’d never stand in your way.

Alice: of course, it’s not just the money, it’s family. My uncle Winston, you know.

Carol: Ooh, Alice, of course I know. You’re like a member of our family. We all love you very much.

Alice: I love all of you too. I promised I’d leave right away.

Carol (shocked): But Alice, what am I gonna tell the children? They’ll be heartbroken. Couldn’t you stay until they come home from school and say good-bye?

Alice: I’ll write them a letter and give them a call. I really better get packed if I’m not gonna miss that plane.

(She starts to walk away.)

Carol: Alice, could I give you a hand?

(Alice leaves the room and Carol looks confused and upset. Cut to later on, when Kay is there taking over for Alice. Greg and Marcia come in from school.)

Greg (to Marcia): Well, you should’ve seen the look on Lester’s face when he found his sneakers filled with the shaving cream.

(She laughs.)

Kay: Hi.

Marcia: Hi. (She turns around and realizes the switch) You’re not Alice.

Kay: No, I’m not, I’m Kay.

Marcia: Hi.

Greg: Hello.

Kay: Hi.

Marcia: Where’s Alice?

Kay: Gone, and you are…

Marcia: Marcia. What do you mean gone?

Kay: Left. Packed up. Went. And you are…

Greg: Greg. Where?

Kay: Back home.

Marcia: For good?

Kay: Seems so.

Marcia: Alice took off like that? I can’t believe it.

Kay: You can believe it.

(There is a long pause.)

Greg: Thanks.

(Later on, the boys ar ein their room discussing the situation.)

Bobby: Gee, I never thought Alice would leave.

Peter: We were just ignoring her for squealing on us.

Greg: She didn’t even say goodbye.

Peter: She could’ve at least left a note.

Bobby: I guess she doesn’t like us anymore.

Greg: Well, if that’s the way she feels about it, it’s okay with me. Maybe she’s doing us a big favor by leaving.

Peter: You said it.

Bobby: Yeah.

(Cut to the girls’ room, where they are talking about the same thing.)

Marcia: Let’s look on the brightside, at least we won’t have to worry about being snitched on anymore.

Jan: Right. No more reports from Alice to Mom and Dad.

Cindy: I bet Kay’s not a snitcher like Alice.

Jan: Yeah.

Marcia: Maybe we’ll like he reven better.

Jan: We probably will.

Cindy: Sure.

(Next, Kay is setting the table and Bobby and Cindy come up to her.)

Bobby: Hey Kay, I bet you can’t work this puzzle.

Kay: Sorry, I don’t have time for puzzles.

(She walks away.)

Bobby (to Cindy): Alice used to bet with us all the time. Remember? She could never work the puzzles?

Cindy: Sure she could.

Bobby: She could not.

Cindy: She could too. (He punches his arm) She just wanted to make you feel good.

(Greg and Peter are outside playing basketball. Kay comes outsid eto hang up some wash/)

Greg: Hi, Kay. Hey, Kay, how about you and Peter against me 2 on 1?

Kay: Sorry, a housekeeper doesn’t play basketball, she keeps house.

Peter: But Alice used to play with us?

Greg (laughing): Yeah, in fact she used to crack me up the way she shot the ball. Watch this, Kay. She’d spread her legs real wide, right. (He demonstrates Alice’s play) Line it up. ( he takes a shot the way Alice did it,and he and Peter laugh.)

Kay: that was Alice, I’m Kay.

(She walks away indifferent. Cut to the girls’ room, where Marcia and Jan are enjoying a new record they got. Kay is in there putting stuff in their drawers.)

Jan: I got this one from Loretta, it’s really cute.

(She plays the record.)

Marcia; Hey wow, that’s really neat. Listen to that, Kay. Isn’t that greta for dancing/ Alice used to make up the craziest steps.

Jan: Oh, yeah, remember the one she called the mugwalk?

Marcia (laughing): oh, that was so ggod.

(Jan gets up and demonstarates. She and Marcia laugh.)

Kay: It looks pretty silly to me.

(That evening, Carol is watching television and knitting in the family room. Kay comes in with a cup of coffee.)

Kay: Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Oh, thank you, Kay.

Kay: If you don’t need me for anything, I’d like to get on home.

Carol: Alright, unless you want to stay and watch a little television with me. Alice used to do that every once in a while.

Kay: No thank you, Mrs. Brady.

Carol (laughing): I always ende dup watching he rprograms.

Kay: I have my own TV set at home. So if you’ll just excuse me. I’ll go get my things.

Carol: Oh, okay, good night, Kay.

Kay: Good night.

(She exits. Grega nd Marcia come in the family room.)

Carol: Hi kids, would you like to watch some TV with me?

Greg: Uh, no, Mom. We’d, uh, kind of like to talk to you.

(Marcia turns off the television.)

Carol: Sure, what’s up?

Marcia: We wanted to talk to you about Alice?

Carol: Alice? What about her.

Greg: Well, we think we know why she left and took the other job.

(Carol gives themn a stunned look.)

Marcia: it was our fault. All of us weren’t being very nice to her.

Greg: We sort of been giving her the cold shoulder treatment.

Carol: Cold shoulder?

Marcia: Well, we figured she wasn’t our friend anymore.

Carol: Why on earth would you think a thing like that?

Greg: Because she was squealing on us.

Carol (angry): Squealing on you?

Greg: Like with Pete and me breaking the lamp.

Marcia: And with me leaving the record player on.

Carol (sternly): For your information, young man, Alice didn’t squeal on you. I asked her to tell me what happened and I told her I wanted to know the truth. (Pause) And as for you (Marcia), she had absolutely no idea why I asked her about the record player, absolutely not.

Marcia: She said that, and I didn’t believe her.

Greg: We never wanted her to leave.

Carol: can you blame her?

Marcia: We’re sorry, Mom. We all want her back.

Carol: I’m afraid sorry won’t help. Sometimes when you push people too far, you just can’t bring them back again.

Greg: Come on, Marcia.

(They leave and Carol looks annoyed. They run into Kay in the kitchen.)

greg: Hi.

Marcia: Hi. I guess you heard.

Kay: Yes, I heard.

Greg: We didn’t mean we don’t like you, Kay.

Kay: I understand.

Marcia (to greg): We sure spread sunshine around.

(They go upstairs and Kay stands there with a bizarre look. The next scene has Peter and Jan coming home and see Kay in the family room.)

Jan: Hi.

Kay: Hey kids, strangest coincidence happened to me last night. I was visiting a friend, we had coffee I this restaurant, and guess who I bumped into.

Peter: Who?

Kay: Alice!

Jan (excitd): Alice?

Peter: Here in town.

Jan (emotionally): Where?

Peter: Tell us, please.

Kay: The Golden Spoon at Forrest and Oak.

Jan: Are you sure it was her?

Kay: Positive. There’s only one Alice.

Peter: You can say that again.

Jan: thanks, kay.

(She gives Kay a hug. Next, we see the café where Alice is employed as a waitress. We see Alice taking an order.)

Alice: Yeah, that’s 2 toasts and coffees. And one bacon, lettuce and tomato with coffee. Yeah, they will be right up

(She walks off and the kids all walk in the door. Mr. Foster the manager, greets them.)

GHreg: Six.

Foster: Six, right this way. (He shows them a table and they sit. He gives them all menus.) There we are, enjoy your food.

Marcia: Thank you.

(They see Alice walk by on the other side of the restaurant.)

Greg (to the other kids): There she is.

(Mr. Foster comes and gives them water. Alice comes over an dis more than thrilled to see them.)

Alice: Hi.

(The kids all say hi.)

Alice: I, I just got back to town. that other job I had didn’t work out. (She starts laughing.) this is a good job, though, good tips.

(Mr. Foster comes by.)

Foster: Alice.

(He points to a customer)

Alice: Oh yeah, be with you in a moment, folks. (to the kids) This is a very interesting job. I meet a lot of interesting people. (The kids congratulate her and tell her it’s great) Well, what are you doing around here anyway?

(They all ponder for an answer.)

Marcia: Well, we’re just passing by.

Alice (skeptical): Passing by?

Greg: Sure, on our way home from school.

(They all agree.)

Alice: That’s interesting, you all go to different schools.

Customer (to Alice): Miss, I’m in a hurry.

Alice: Oh yeah, I’ll be right there. (to the kids) Oh, how are the folks?

(The kids all say they’re greta. Mr. Foster comes to her.)

Foster (sternly): Alice, the customers are waiting.

Alice: I’m taking an order, Mr. Foster.

Foster (angry): Well take it, get a move on.

Greg: Oh, well, I guess we should order something.

Customer: Miss, do you mind?

Alice: One minute.

Peter: I guess I’ll have a glass of milk and a chocolate donut.

Alice (writing down): Milk, and aplain donut.

Peter: Chocolate!

Alice: Chocolate makes you break out.

(Mr. Foster comes up to her again, angry.)

Foster: Alice!

(He points to the other customer.)

Alice: Very nervous man. Bobby, will you stop drinking everybody else’s water? You won’t have any room for your food. Okay, who’s next?

Marcia: Oh, me. I’ll have a caramel fudge sundae.

Alice: One fruit cup. Too much caramel sundae makes too much Marcia.

Cindy: then I’ll have a caramel fudge sundae.

Alice: Good. Two fruit cups.

Jan (looking at the nenu): I don’t know what I want.

Alice: Well, don’t squint, Jan. Put your glasses on.

Jan: Thanks, Alice.

Greg: Alice, we’ve missed you.

Jan: We’re sorry for what we did.

Marcia: We didn’t mean to treat you that way.

Cindy: We love you, Alice.

Peter: We know you didn’t squeal on us.

Bobby: Honest, Alice.

(Alice grabs a chair and sits with them.)

Alice: You mean you really missed me? (They all agree and she grabs some tissues to dry her eyes) Every time I go by a telephone, I wanna phone you guys. The other day I took a taxi just to look at the house. You got no idea how much I missed you.

(Mr. Foster goes up to her. This time he is furious.)

Foster: Alice!

Alice: Oh, Mr. Foster, these are the bradys.

Foster: Marvelous, and these are the customers! They’d like a word with you if you don’t mind.

Alice: You’ve got no idea how much I’ve missed these kids.

foster: Perhaps I can arrange for you to spend more time with them. All day, if you get the point.

Alice: Right, right. (She gets up) Oh, thank you, Mr. Foster. (She hands him the belt to her uniform) Thank you so much. Come on kids, let’s go home.

(They all get up to go home.)

Foster: Wait a minute, where do you think you’re going?

Alice: I got my old job back, Mr. Foster, and I’m never gonna leave it again.

(The kids cheer her on and thye all leave as the scene fades away.)

(The final scene has Alice and Carol in the kitchen. They are talking and enjoying coffee.)

Carol: Oh, Alice, I can’t tell you how good it is to have you back.

Alice: I keep pinching myself to be sure I really am.

Carol: I really believed that story you told about your uncle Winston.

Alice: I may not be the greatest housekeeper in the world, but I’m a pretty good liar. (Carol laughs) By the way, did Kay work out all right?

Carol: Oh, Alice, she was fabulous. The house was always spotless. She realigned the kitchen covers. She ironed the clothes without a wrinkle. She vacuumed the drapes. Alice, wait till you hear this, she even dusted the garage. (She lauhs) You want to know something, Alice?

Alice: What?

Carol: It was one of the worst weeks we have ever had. (Alice laughs) Don’t ever do that again.

(She gives her a hug.)


S4 E9 Career Fever

Career Fever

Written by Adele Styler and Burt Styler

Greg writes an essay about architecture, causing Mike to believe he wants that as a career. Hope you enjoy the script.











(The episode begins with Mike coming home from work. Greg is upstairs doing homework and Marcia comes in to see him.)

Marcia: Greg, are you busy?

Greg: Just homework.

Marcia: Want to help me with mine? Geometry. (He takes a look at it) I really can’t see what good this is gonna do me later in life.

Greg: Geometry sharpens the mind. Makes you think.

Marcia: Huh, makes me think I’m stupid.

Greg: Let’s see where you went wrong here, dumbhead.

(Mike walks through the living room. He puts his briefcase down on the trunk by the stairway, then goes upstairs. He passes by the room, where Marcia notices an essay written by Greg.)

Greg: Hey, you got an A on this. The importance of choosing a career.

Greg: It’s just an English composition.

(Mike comes in the room.)

Mike: Hi, kids.

Greg: Hi, Dad.

Marcia: Hi.

Mike: What was that about choosing a career, son?

Greg: Oh, it’s just something I wrote for English class.

Mike: Oh yeah?

Marcia (reading): Skyscrapers are more than the concrete blocks and steel girders. Homes are more than the wood and the bricks in which they’re made. Modern buildings begin with the architect stream. My father is an architect, and as for me, I would like to become one too, and share in that dream.

Greg: Come on, Marcia.

Mike: Now, wait a minute. I’d like to hear this.

(Marcia continues to read): Architecture is an exciting career. It goes with the imagination of the architect.

Greg (sternly): Marcia.

Mike: I never knew you really wanted to be an architect. I thought it was just a summer job when you worked at the office last vacation.

Greg: Well, Dad, it doesn’t…

Mike: You know, I can talk to Mr. Philips for you this summer and I’m sure he’ll let you have a job. He’ll give you a real practical experience.

Greg: He would.

Mike: Would you like that?

Greg: Dad, the idea is…

Mike: Good, good. Consider it done.

(He happily walks out of the room.)

Marcia: Wow, you made Dad a happy man.

Greg: Yeah, isn’t it awful?

Marcia (surprised): Awful?

Greg: How’s he gonna feel when he hears the truth?

Marcia: What do they mean the truth?

Greg: Marcia, the only reason I wrote that stuff is because I couldn’t think of anything else. I don’t know what I want to be. Me, an architect.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike and Carol enjoying coffee in the living room.)

Mike: Boy, honey, this coffee is great.

Carol: Boy, are you in a good mood tonight.

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: The lamb chops were great. The salad was great. the rolls were great. How come you didn’t say the salt and pepper was great?

Mike: Uh! I forgot, the salt and pepper was great. I don’t know, may be great. Oh, I’m so proud Greg wants to follow in my footsteps.

Carol: Listen, Mike, I’m just as proud as you are.

(Peter and Jan come running down the stairs.)

Peter: Mom, Dad, can we talk to you?

Mike: Yeah, sure kids.

Carol: Sure.

Jan: Well, it all started with Greg and his career.

Carol: Boy, that was the big topic at dinner tonight, wasn’t it.

Jan: Well, it started us thinking about our careers.

Peter: After all, I’m only two years younger than Greg.

Mike (excited): You want to be an architect.

Peter: No sir, suppose I was a better one than you are, Dad. I’d put you out of business.

(They all laugh.)

Mike (to Carol): That’s what I call real self center blocks. Well, have you decided on anything?

Peter: I’ll give you a hint. (He sits down) Dr. Brady wanted in surgery. Dr. Brady report to surgery.

Carol: Well, I’ll take a wild guess. A doctor.

Peter: Right.

Jan: And I want to be a nurse.

(Mike beams.)

Carol: A doctor and a nurse. I think that’s greta.

Jan: And we’re gonna cure all kinds of terrific diseases.

Mike (laughing): Boy, I feel sorry for the germs already.

Peter (to Jan): Come on. We got to get down tot he chemistry set and start some experimenting.

Jan: Yeah. (to the parents) See you later.

Carol: (calling): Not like last time! I don’t want some strange, hairy things growing in the refrigerator.

(Cut to upstairs. Marcia comes into Greg’s room to speak to him.)

Marcia: Greg, did you tell Dad last night?

Greg: No, I didn’t have the heart. He was so happy, I couldn’t say anything.

Marcia: You gotta let him know.

Greg: I know, but I got a better way than telling him. 9He gets up from his seat) I’ll show him.

Marcia: What do you mean?

Greg: take a look at this. (He shows her a drawing he made. She looks at it then turns it upside down) No, it was right the other way.

Marcia: It was?

Greg: Yeah, it’s not quite finished yet, but what do you think?

Marcia: Well. First tell me what it is.

Greg: That’s a modern house.

Marcia: Is that the driveway?

Greg: That is the moat.

Marcia (laughing): A moat? That is weird. Really weird.

Greg: Great, because that’s what it’s supposed to be. The new Greg Brady style is supposed to be weird. Really weird.

Marcia (laughing): I say it shows a fantastic lack of talent.

Greg: And that ought to do it. When Dad sees that, he’s got to say I don’t belong in the architect business. At least then I don’t have to disappoint them.

Marcia: That’s a terrific idea. A moat?

(She leaves the room. We next see Mike in the den. Greg comes in to show him his design.)

Greg: Busy, Dad?

Mike: No, son, come on in.

(Greg walks in.)

Greg; I made this drawing. Thought maybe you could tell me what you think.

Mike: Yeah, I’d be glad you. Here, let’s take a look.

(He sees athe drawing and gives a surprised look.)

Greg: What do you think?

Mike (nodding): Mmm hmm, mmm hmm. Well, I can think several things here.

Greg: is it any good?

Mike: Well, I don’t think it’s a (Pause) When you first start out, it isn’t really a question of good or bad. It’s a question of….

Greg: Isn’t that a great house?

Mike: A house? oh, yeah, yeah. (He laughs) this looks almost like a moat.

Greg: It is. (They laugh) I was trying for something different.

Mike: Well, I think you achieved that affect, all right.

Greg: Bet you never seen anything like it before.

Mike: No, never have. (He gets up and walks around while looking at it) Well, this is very interesting. yes.

Greg: You mean you like it?

Mike: Well, in any form of art, we look for potential. And this shows potential, and it shows an awful lot of hard work.

Greg (shocked): It does.

Mike: Yes, yes, you keep at it. And I’ll hang on to this and look it over more carefully.

(He sits down.)

Greg: Okay, thanks, Dad.

(He turns to walk out. Then turns around, then leaves. He shuts the door behind him and fumes at himself.)

(Later that night, Carol looks at the sketch and shares Mike’s negative attitude about Greg’s ability.)

Carol: Oh, poor Greg.

Mike: Yeah. I couldn’t tell him the truth. He was so excited about being an architect.

Carol: Oh, but Mike, do you think it’s right to encourage him?

Mike (getting up): You know, it’s his first effort. I don’t want him to lose his confidence. You know, maybe, maybe if he had the proper tools, and I gave him a drafting kit, and a book that would help him with his perspective.

Carol: Oh boy, does he need perspective.

(The next scene has Peter and Jan coming in with books )

Jan: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Where did you get all those books?

Peter: At the library. They’re medical books.

Jan: Every one of them has got pages and pages of terrific diseases.

Alice (sarcastically): Hmm, that sounds exciting.

Peter: A doctor’s got to know every disease in these books. If we wants to make people well.

Alice: I know an easier way to make them well. Tell them how much it will cost to be sick.

(They laugh. We next see Peter and Jan on the patio, studying their books.)

Jan: Listen to this one. Paracardial tampanade.

Peter: Paracardial tampanade? That sure sounds like a powerful disease.

Jan: It is. When you get that, you have to be rushed to the hospital and get operated on in minutes.

Peter: Fantastic. Write that one down. (He looks in his book as Alice comes out) Hey, listen to this one. Nasopharyngitis acute curidahul.

Jan: Wow, I’d hate to get that. What is it?

Peter: A cold with a runny nose. (Jan laughs) That’s the great thing about doctors, they can make anything sound awful.

Alice: How’s the research coming, Dr. Brady?

Peter: Fantastic. So far we got 14 fatal diseases, 7 semi-fatal ones, and a whole page of things that can put you in the hospital for at least a year.

Alice (sarcastically): That is a fun book.

(She bends over and then groans.)

Peter: What’s the matter?

Alice: Oh, just the old crique.

Jan: Quick, look up crique.

(They rush over to help.)

Peter: Where does it hurt? Point to it.

Alice: If I pointed to it, I’d break my arm.

Peter: We got to know exactly., Alice.

Alice: It’s about where the neck one connects to the backbone.

Peter: Nurse, diagram.

Jan (pulling it out): Here, doctor.

Peter: It’s too wide for your liver

Alice: Maybe I got my liver in the wrong place.

Jan: What other symptoms do you have?

Peter: I’m the doctor, and I’ll ask the questions. (to Alice) What other symptoms do you have?

Alice: Well, now that you asked, sometimes I get this pall right here.

(She reaches to her leg.)

Peter (to Jan): Write this one down.

Alice: And then I got a pain right here (her head) and a pain right here (her side).

Jan: You got some swell symptoms.

Alice (to Peter): Do you think it’s fatal, doctor?

Peter: Hmm, I’m not sure, Alice. But you oughtta look on the bright side.

Alice: Bright side?

Peter: Yeah, if it is fatal, you’ll never get it again.

(She laughs and gives Peter a playful slap, then her pain comes back. We next see Bobby and Cindy coming into the kitchen to see Alice.)

Cindy: Hey, Alice.

Alice: That’s me.

Bobby: You know, we already have two architects, a doctor and a nurse in the family.

Cindy: So we figured we better hurry up and pick out a couple of careers for us, too.

Bobby: Yeah, it’d be terrible if we grew up and didn’t do anything.

Alice (sarcastically): Yeah, the first thing you know, you’re 12 years old and no visible means of support.

Cindy: I’m gonna be a model. (She turns around and does the model walk.) They get to wear all those long dresses with ostage feathers and stuff.

Bobby: I’m going to be an astronaut. Probably the first man on Mars.

Alice: Probably.

Bobby: So from now on I better eat what they do, you know, all that powdered junk.

Alice (sarcastically): I’ll start crushing food in the morning.

Cindy; I think I better have a special diet, too, Alice.

Alice: How come?

Cindy: For modeling. I have to worry about keeping my figure.

Alice: Don’t you think you better wait till you got one?

(Cut to the living room, where Marcia is coaching Cindy. She shows her how to walk with a book on her head.)

Marcia:. See, that’s how you do it.

Cindy: It looks kind of silly.

Marcia: It’s supposed to teach you how to walk gracefully. (She gives it to Cindy) Come on, you try it. Turn around, balance it, stand up straight, go.

(Cindy walks but the book falls off her head.)

Cindy: Models must have flat heads.

Marcia: Just keep practicing. Now let’s see if you can make it all the way through the kitchen.

Cindy: That’s the hardest room of all.

Marcia: How come?

Cindy: I have to pass that cookie jar.

Marcia (laughing): Come on, keep your balance. Whoops.

(The book falls off Cindy’s head. Greg comes down the stairs.)

Greg: Marcia, I’ve made up my mind. I’m gonna have to do something drastic.

Marcia: Like what?

Greg: Tell him the truth. I’m just gonna have to walk up to Dad and say Dad, I don’t like it, I’m no good at it, and I just don’t want to be an architect.

(At this moment, Mike comes in the door.)

Marcia: Here’s your chance.

Mike: Hi, kids.

Marcia: Hi, Dad. I better go help in the kitchen.

(She leaves and Greg gives an annoyed look.)

Greg: Dad, there’s something I have to tell you.

Mike: As a matter of fact, I want to talk to you, too.

Greg: About that drawing.

Mike: That’s exactly what I want to talk to you about. You know, you’ve been working under a handicap. You remember these? (He shows him) Yeah, that’s my drafting kit I had put away sort of a keepsake, but they’re yours, now.

Greg: Mine?

Mike: Yeah, because the correct equipment can make all the difference in the work you do.

Greg: Oh, thanks, Dad.

Mike: And I want you to use my den and my drafting table whenever you feel like it. What do you think about that? (Greg tries to speak but is interrupted) You’re well on your way to being an architect. (He slaps his shoulder) How about that?

(Mike walks off.)

Greg: How about that?

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Greg in the den. He hears what mike said earlier in his head.

Greg (repeating): yeah, how about that?

(He gets up and paces. Cindy comes in with a glass of milk and cookies.)

Cindy (whispering): Mom said to give you these, but I’m not to disturb you, because you’re drawing something very important.

Greg: Thanks, Cindy.

Cindy: I’m not disturbing you, am I?

Greg: No. No, you’re not disturbing me.

Cindy: Because Mother told me not to disturb you.

Greg: it’s okay.

Cindy: Greg, can you ask you one more question without disturbing you?

Greg: What is it?

Cindy: How come you haven’t drawn anything?

Greg: Cindy, I got certain problems.

Cindy: Then I guess I better go. I don’t want to disturb you.

(She leaves and Greg stays there to ponder. Cut to the backyard, where Alice comes to hang some wash and Bobby is playing in the doghouse.)

Bobby: Hi, Alice.

Alice (looking around): Bobby.

Bobby: Yeah, hi.

Alice: Where are you?

Bobby: In here.

Alice: In here where?

Bobby: Here.

(He sticks his head outside. He has a space helmet on and a transistor radio.)

Alice: What are you doing in the doghouse?

Bobby: It’s not a doghouse right now. It’s an Apollo 57 space capsule. I’m getting myself in condition to be an astronaut.

Alice: You mean Astro mutt.

Bobby: Don’t tell anybody else I’m in here. I don’t wanna have any contact with Earth people.

Alice: Right. I’ll remove myself as soon as I finish hanging up this Earth laundry.

Bobby: I’ve got to get used to the loneliness of outer space.

Alice: Well, don’t spend so long in outer space. You’ll forget we’re having dinner at 6 sharp in inner space. Roger?

Bobby: Roger.

(Cut to the den. Greg is in their with Marcia and the drafting kit Mike gave him.)

Greg: If Dad hasn’t given me these beautiful tools. (Marcia hands him one) Now he’s expecting me to draw something terrific.

Marcia: Yeah, if you don’t come up with something now, he’s really gonna be disappointed.

Greg: I’ll say. (He gets up and paces) No, wait, that’s it.

Marcia: What’s it?

Greg: If after all this, if I were to come up with something even weirder, why, he’ll have to admit I’d starve as an architect.

Marcia: Hey, right. Think you can do worse than your last drawing?

Greg (laughing): If you think that one was bad, wait till you see this.

(He sits down to make another drawing nd Marcia laughs. Cut to upstairs, where a worried Peter is sitting at the desk.)

Peter: Oh, no.

(Jan comnes in the room.)

Jan: Peter, the stuff in the test tube hasn’t turned green yet. So I think that maybe… (she notices Peter’s face) what’s the matter?

Peter: Jan, I got terrible news.

Jan: What do you mean?

Peter: I’ve got an awful disease. I got (he looks up) ani, anti car… oh, it’s so terrible, I can’t even pronounce it.

Jan: Are you sure you got it?

Peter: Sure I’m sure. Look up the symptoms. Shortness of breath. Remember last week in school, when I had to run a mile? Remember how I couldn’t stop panting?

Jan: I remember.

Peter: And this. (demonstrating his hand) Sore finger joints. And I thought it was from playing baseball without a mitt on.

Jan: You mean it isn’t?

Peter: No. It’s from this terrible thing I got that I can’t pronounce.

Jan: Well, now that I look at you, you are kind of pale.

Peter: Oh, that’s the clencher. Facial discoloration, a lack of color.

Jan: It’s you, all right.

Peter: I’m cooked. I’ve got it.

Jan: Does it say how much time you got left?

Peter: It says here, about 6 months.

Jan: Well, is there anything you can take/

Peter: If I were rich, I could take a tour around the world.

Jan: I’d better break the news to Mom and Dad.

Peter: No, it’s my job. I’ll do it.

Jan: What will you say?

Peter: I don’t know. Maybe I’ll tell them to look on the brightside. After all, they still have 5 kids left.

(Mike and Carol are downstairs in the living room. Mike looks throught he window to his den.)

Mike (laughing, to Carol): Greg’s still in there working away?

Carol: I know, he’s been at it all afternoon. I’ve never seen him so intense about anything.

Mike: Well, I guess it was those drafting tools I gave him.

Carol: Can’t wait to see what he’s drawn, huh.

Mike: Oh, I can wait.

Carol: Oh, sure you can. Just like an expectant mother in her 10th month.

(Peter comes down the stairs. He then goes up to Mike and Carol.)

Peter: Hi.

Mike: Hi.

Carol: Hi.

(He stands there and starts at them. They both look up.)

Mike: You got something on your mind, Pete?

Peter: Me. Nothing Dad, not a thing.

(He continues to stare and they look up at him again.)

Carol: Peter, are you sure you don’t have something on your mind?

Peter: No, uh yeah, I mean, I feel just fine. I never felt better in my whole short life.

Mike: Yeah, well, we didn’t ask you how you felt.

Carol: What do you mean short life?

Peter: oh, nithing.

Carol: Peter, are you sure you’re all right? You’re not coming down with a cold, are you?

Peter: A cold, ha.

Mike: All right, Peter, spill it. You’re trying to tell us something.

Peter: Well, actually, I wanted (Pause) I wanted to ask you something.

Mike: Shoot.

Peter: Do you have to be 21 to write a will?

Carol (surprised): A will?

Mike (laughing): A will?

Carol: Peter, what are you worried about a will for?

Peter: Well, I’m not worried. It’s just that, for instance, that new skateboard I got. I just wanted to make sure it doesn’t end up in the wrong hands.

Mike: All right, Peter. What’s this all about? The truth now.

(Peter ponders, then he sits down and shows them th emedical book.)

Peter: It’s all here. (He opens the book) Page 95. The paragraph on the bottom. Brace yourself, Mom, Dad. It’s not gonna be easy.

(They look it up.)

Mike: You mean this? Anacardiaceae?

Peter: So tha’ts how you pronounce it.

Mike: Yeah, what about it?

Peter: It’s fatal, and I’ve got it.Carol: What do you mean?

Peter: Read.

(They read and then finally find something.)

Carol: Hey, Peter, wait a minute. You didn’t read this very carefully. There are two pages stuck together.

Peter: Huh?

Mike: You’ve gone from page 95 to page 98. You got the symptom of one disease and the diagnosis of another.

Peter: you mean, I haven’t got the fatal one?

Mike: Well, I doubt that very much. Well, the fatal one can only be contracted through the bite of the bandicoot or the hyena after having eaten the bark of certain trees in India and South Africa.

Carol: Have you been to India or South Africa lately?

Peter: Gee, what have I got?

Carol: Hmm, well, let’s see, if you’re suffering from anacardiaceae, that is the scientific name for poison ivy.

Peter (excited): Poison ivy?

Carol: That’s all it is, you’ll itch but you’ll live.

Peter (happy): Thanks, I better go tell my nrse!

(Later on, Carol and Mike are in their room and Greg knocks on the door.)

Greg: Can I come in?

Mike: Sure, Greg, come on in.

(He comes in the room with another drawing.)

Greg: Well, here it is. And Dad, those tools you gave me really made a difference.

Mike: Let’s take a look.

(He looks at it but can’t seem to mske a statement. He shows it to Carol.)

Greg: You hate it.

Mike: No, no, not at all.

Carol: Not at all.

Greg: You mean you think it’s good?

Mike: Well, I think it shows tremendous effort.

(Greg is out in the hall talking to Marcia.)

Greg: Tremendous effort. They said it showed tremendous effort. I can’t believe it.

Marcia: Greg, you got no choice. No matter how much it hurts Dad, you goitta tell him.

(Cut to the bedroom, Mike and carol ar eless than pleased.)

Carol: He’s hopeless as an architect, isn’t he.

Mike: Honey, let’s face it. What we have here is Frank Lloyd Wrong.

Carol: You know, I think you oughtta tell him the truth, no matter how much it hurts.

(Greg knocks.)

Greg: Can I come in again?

Carol: Sure, Greg, come in.

(He comes in and he and Mike start talking at the same time.)

Greg: Dad, let me say this. I just don’t want to be an architect, no matter how much you’d like it, I’m sorry, but, that’s the way it is.

Mike: You don’t?

Greg: No.

Mike: Greg, just because I’m an architect doesn’t mean you have to be an architect.

Greg: I don’t?

Mike: No.

Carol: Honey, your father and I want you to be what you want to be.

Greg: What a relief.

Mike: Yes it is.

(Greg sits down with them.)

Greg: Dad, I shouyld’ve leveled with you in the first place.

Mike: Well, I guess I should’ve leveled with you too, son. Those drawings you made were, were, were, pretty.

Greg and Mike in unison: Bad.

Carol: Well, thta’s funny, I didn’t think they were bad at all. (They look at her with surprise) I think they’re the worst things I’ve ever seen in my life.

(She throws them at him and Mike playfully slaps Greg and he falls to the floor. The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Alice leaving for the market and Bobby and Cindy catch up to her.)

Cindy: Oh, good, you didn’t go shopping yet.

Alice: Did you want to add something to the list?

Bobby: We sure do.

Alice: ok, shoot.

Cindy: Marshmallows, donuts, pretzels.

Bobby: Caramel corn, peanuts, popcorn, a bottle of cherries, potato chips.

Cindy: and some of those loops.

(Alice gives her signature whistle.)

Alice: Wait a minute, how do you expect to eat all that and still be an astronaut and a model?

Bobby: Oh, we’re through with all that.

Cindy: We decided to have more sensible careers.

Alice: Oh, like what?

Bobby: I’m going to be a professional football player, but I have to be real heavy.

Alice (to Cindy); And you?

Cindy: I’m going to be a lady wrestler. Chocolate pudding.

Bobby: Vanilla and strawberry ice cream.

9They mention a few other sweets.)

Alice: Splendid, now what would you like for dessert?

(They laugh.)


S4 E8 Jan, the Only Child

Jan the only Child

Written by Al Schwartz and Ralph Goodman

Jan alienates herself from the other kids in a quest for privacy. Hope you enjoy the script.











(The episode begins with Jan standing outside the bathroom, waiting to get in. She knocks on the door rather impatiently.)

Jan: Come on, Peter. (She knocks again) Give someone else a chance.

Peter (opening the door): All I was doing was brushing my teeth.

Jan: Well, how many teeth have you got?

Peter: The same amount as you, (a little louder) but my mouth isn’t as big as yours! (Jan laughs) It’s all yours, your highness.

Jan: Oh, very… (Cindy runs in there) Cindy!

(Peter laughs and exits the room. Jan knocks again and gets upset.

(Next, Marcia is in the backyard. She gets on a bike and prepared to leave. Jan comes out.)

Jan: Marcia, wait a minute, that’s my bike.

Marcia: I know. Mine has a flat. I won’t be long.

(We next see Jan in the family room, watching television. Greg and Bobby come in and they change the channel.)

Jan: What are you doing? I was watching a movie.

(She gets up and changes the channel back )

Greg: Jan (He changes it back) We want to watch the ball game.

Bobby: Yeah, you can watch your movie any old time.

Jan: I want to see this movie.

Bobby: Come on.

(They struggle with the knob until it falls off ?

Bobby: That’s your fault!

Jan: It is not! You broke it!

Bobby: You made me!

Greg (annoyed): Now we’re gonna miss the ball game.

(They get into an argument until Carol comes in.)

Carol: Hold it, please! Now what’s the problem?

Jan: I’ll tell you what the problem is! You have to wait in line for everything around here! Someone is always borrowing your things! I never have any privacy because I’ve got too many brothers and sisters! I wish I was an only child!

(The scene fades away.)

(The next scene has Jan talking to Mike and Carol in the living room.)

Jan: I have to live with 5 brothers and sisters all day, every day.

Carol (laughing): Okay, honey. But they have to live with you too.

Jan: Well I wish they didn’t. I’m tired of getting pushed around.

Mike: Jan, you’re not getting pushed around. Listen, when you live in a large family, you have to learn to give and take a little bit.

Jan: My friend Donna doesn’t. She doesn’t have any of these problems.

Mike: Yeah, but does your friend Donna have any brothers and sisters?

Jan: No, and she couldn’t be happier. She doesn’t have to wait for the phone or the bathroom or anything. She has all the privacy she wants.

Carol: Just a minute, Jan. There are two sides to that. Donna also doesn’t have anyone to help her with her homework, or to play with, or to go places with.

Jan: Well, that sounds great.

Mike: Well, Jan, what’s good for one person isn’t always good for another. Listen, I think you oughtta consider yourself a very lucky young lady.

Carol: Here, here.

(Mike gets up.)

Jan: Mom, Donna invited me to spend Saturday night at her house, okay.

Carol (surprised): Saturday night? Now Jan, you know that’s the night of the square dance. We’re gonna be a square.

Jan: Couldn’t Alice take my part?

Carol: Yes, I suppose she could. But it wouldn’t be the same without you, honey. We’re going as a family.

Jan (whining): That’s what I mean. Donna doesn’t have to do family things. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have any brothers or sisters. Then I could do whatever I want without anyone to bug me.

(Next, Jan comes into the kitchen. She sees Alice.)

Jan: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi.

(She opens the door to the refrigerator. Bobby rushes over and grabs an apple.)

Bobby: Good, there’s one left.

Jan (yelling): Bobby, you come back here! Alice!

Bobby: Yeah, Bobby, you come back here! Why am I hollering for Bobby to come back here?

Jan: Because he just took my apple!

Alice: Well, if that’s all that’s bothering you, no problem.

Jan: But that was the last apple, Alice.

(Alice reaches for the cupboard.)

Alice: Oh no, no. (She takes an apple from the cupboard) This is the last apple.

Jan (grateful): You’re something else, Alice. Thanks.

(She walks away with the apple and Carol starts to come by.)

Carol (calling): Alice, Mr. Brady is gonna drive me to the market to pick up a few things.

Alice: I thought we finished all the shopping yesterday.

Carol: Well, this is for something special. I decided to make strawberry preserves for the auction at the charity hoedown.

Alice: You did?

Carol: Yeah.

(Alice looks disappointed )

Carol: No, no, it’s just that, I was gonna make strawberry preserves for the auction myself.

Carol: Well, mine are from my grandmother’s secret recipe, Alice. Won four blue ribbons with it.

Alice: Must have been really something.

Carol: Mmm hmm.

Alice: My aunt’s secret recipe won six ribbons.

Carol: Look, Alice, why can’t we both make preserves. There’s no contest between us. Right?

Alice: Right.

Carol: Okay, I’ll go pick up those things. (She stops) By the way, what’s in your aunt’s secret recipe?

Alice: Oh, I guess, most of the same things that are in your grandmother’s secret recipe.

Carol: Okay, bye.

(We next see Greg and Marcia go into the garage.

Marcia: Oh.

Greg: There they are.

(They take some sacks out.)

Greg: These sacks will be great for the potato sack race at the hoedown.

(He sets them down and Marcia notices how dusty they are.)

Marcia: Don’t you think we better clean them out first?

Greg: Nah, we’ll just jump the dust out of them.

(They jump up and down on top of the sacks. Mike and Carol come home.)

Greg: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Carol: Hi.

Mike: What are you doing?

Carol: You got a problem?

Greg: No. We’re just getting the sacks ready for the race.

Marcia: Maybe we’ll win a prize.

Greg: Yeah.

Carol: Yeah, wait till you see what we got for the square dance.

Mike: Yeah.

(He takes out some out some cowboy hats and pipes )

Marcia (impressed): Wow!

(Mike puts a hat on his head, a pipe in his mouth, and talks with a southern accent.)

Mike: Think the range is gonna hurt the rhubarb?

Carol: No, but I sure hope it kills the corn.

Greg: Hey, it should be a lot of fun Saturday night.

Marcia: Yeah, you know, I hope Jan changes her mind and decided to come with us.

Carol: Well, honey, don’t worry if she doesn’t. Jan’s going through a phase. She thinks she doesn’t have any privacy.

Mike: It’ll pass.

Greg: We all treat each other the same. She has just as much privacy as the rest of us.

Mike: Just be a little more considerate of her until she gets over her phase.

(He hands out the hats to each of them.)

Greg (in a southern twang): Okay, we’ll try and take kindly to the critter.

Marcia (grabbing a pipe): Yes I will try.

(The parents laugh. We next see Greg in the living room talking on the phone.)

Greg: The reason I called, Amy. Your groovy red hair and your mysterious green eyes really turn me on. (Pause) It’s Greg Brady. You remember, I talked to you in school yesterday about the charity hoedown Saturday night. I thought if you were going with your folks we can…

Jan (coming by): Oh, it never fails. One of them’s always on the phone when you want to use it .

Greg (to Jan): Do you mind? I’m trying to… (He sees it’s Jan and has a change of heart) Jan, listen, if you need it I’ll let you have the phone. (he gets back on) Listen, Amy, can I call you back later? Okay, good bye. (He hangs up)

Greg: Here you are, Jan. It’s all yours.

Jan: Gee, thanks.

(Cut to the kitchen, where Peter and Bobby are garnering money together.)

Peter (counting): 75, 80, 90, 95. I got 95 cents. How much you got?

Bobby: I got 60 cents.

Peter: Let’s see. 95 and 60 (he figures out) That’s $1.55.

Bobby: Hey, that’s more than we need.

(Alice is over by the sink and hears them.)

Alice: What is this big financial transaction?

Bobby: We finally got enough money to buy a trick rope for the square dance Saturday night.

Pet: Don’t forget, 95 cents of that rope is mine. You only get to use 60 cents worth.

Bobby: Okay. I’ll just use 30 cents off each end.

Alice: I don’t understand that, but it sounds mighty shrewd.

(Jan comes in the kitchen with a magazine.)

Jan: Look, Alice. (She shows her) Isn’t that a pretty bracelet. (Alice agrees) Absolutely free.

Alice: Well, you better read that small and see how free that free is.

Jan: Well, you do have to subscribe to this new teen magazine for a dollar and fifty cents. And as usual, I’m broke.

(She goes into the family room.)

Peter (to Bobby): You think we oughtta lend Jan the money?

Bobby (petulant): Are you nuts? What for?

Peter: To be considerate, like Mom and Dad said. Look, she’s done a lot of nice things for you.

Bobby: Like what?

Peter: Well like, well like, she helps you with your homework.

Bobby: Homework’s one thing, money’s another.

Peter: Well, I’m gonna lend her my money.

Bobby (whining): There goes to rope trick.

Peter: You go put your money back in your bank, or, you can be a nice guy.

Bobby: What a rotten choice.

(They go into the family room to see Jan.)

Peter: Jan, how would you like to get that money for the bracelet?

Alice: Would I?

Bobby: But it’s just a loan.

Jan (suspicious): What’s the catch?

Peter: No catch. Just pay it back whenever you can. Don’t rush. We’re just trying to help you, that’s all.

Jan: Gee, thanks.

(They give her the money and leave. Alice meets them at the door.

Alice: That was a very nice gesture, fellas. You deserve to have something nice done for you.

Bobby (jokingly): How about giving us a dollar and fifty-five cents.

(Peter grabs his arm and they walk away. Upstairs, Marcia is putting spots on Cindy’s face on)

Cindy: Ow, freckles aren’t supposed to hurt. That’s enough.

Marcia: Cindy, you wanted to see how you looked before you go to the square dance, don’t you.

Cindy: Yeah, but you better not put too many on me, or else they won’t let me in.

Marcia: Why?

Cindy: They’ll think I have the measles.

(Marcia laughs. Jan enters the room.)

Jan: Hi.

Marcia: Hi.

(She and Cindy get up.)

Cindy: I’m sorry, Jan. I was sitting on your bed. I’ll straighten it out.

(Marcia takes some books and magazines off the desk.)

Marcia: I’ll clean these things off the desk in case you wanna use it

Cindy: And anytime you want your bed straightened, I’ll be glad to do it.

Marcia: Cindy, let’s do the freckles downstairs,. okay.

(They both leave the room.)

Cindy: Have a nice privacy.

(Jan has a baffled look while we cut to the kitchen, where Carol and Alice are making strawberry preserves. They can’t help but try peeking in each other’s pots.)

Carol: Alice, would you like to see what’s in my recipe? I really have no secrets.

Alice: Oh, I know you don’t, Mrs. Brady. I wouldn’t want my recipe to be a secret either.

Carol: Alice, can I borrow some of the sugar, please?

Alice: Oh, sure, sure.

Alice: Thanks.

(She puts a spoonful in her pot and turns her back so Alice can’t see.)

Alice: Hmm, very interesting. 1 cup of sugar and three quarters of a cup of fruit.

Carol: Is that what it is?

(They laugh as Alice puts strawberry juice in her cup.)

Carol ( laughing): Three dashes, huh.

Alice: Who counts?

Carol: I think mine is ready to boil.

Alice: Mine too.

(Mike enters the kitchen with a pair of folded pants )

Mike: Hey, what’s cooking?

Carol: Oh, hi, honey. Alice and I are making strawberry preserves for the charity auction.)

Alice: Mrs. Brady and I are both making preserves for the auction.

Carol: Honey, which pot do you think looks the best?

Mike: What is this? A contest?

Carol (laughing): A contest? Oh no, are you kidding? Not at all. We were just curious.

Mike: Listen, to satisfy my own curiosity, I came in about my overalls. These things were made for Paul Bunyon or for two guys to wear at the same time.

(We next see Carol and Alice helping Mike with his overalls in the family room. Carol accidentally sticks him with a pin. Mike screams.)

Carol: Oh, honey, I’m sorry. Look, look, just stay still, okay.

Mike: Could you use shorter pins there?

Carol: Try not to move.

Alice: How’s that for length, Mr. Brady?

(Mike bends over to check but gets stuck again. He screams.)

Carol: Mike, I told you not to move.

Alice: You leave the lengths to me, Mr. Brady. I’ll make sure the high and up will show your purple checkered socks.

Mike: Return it because I’m bleeding to death.

(Jan comes in.)

Jan: Alice, have you seen my magazine?

Alice (pointing): Isn’t that it?

Jan: Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Alice: Think I better get myself some more pins.

Carol (to Mike): Okay, now stand still like that. Oh, Jan, listen, would you like to try on your dress for the square dance?

Jan: How come you got me one?

Carol: Well, I just thought maybe you’d change your mind and come with us.

Mike: Yeah, we’re gonna have a lot of fun.

Jan: Well, I promised Donna I’d spend Saturday night with her.

Carol: Well, couldn’t you spend some other night with Donna?

Jan: I guess. I’ll have to think about it.

(She leaves and Carol notices Mike standing there still as a statue.)

Carol: What are you doing?

Mike: Standing still.

(She laughs and playfully slaps his hips. Cut to the living room, where Cindy is sitting on the couch and gets ready to go upstairs. Jan comes by.)

Cindy: Oh, you can use the stairs if you want to. I’ll wait till later.

Jan: Cindy, what’s going on around here?

Cindy: I was just trying to be considerate.

Jan: Everybody is. Why is everybody so nice to me all of a sudden?

Cindy: Because we’re supposed to be.

Jan: What do you mean supposed to be?

Cindy: We’re supposed to be nice to you until you get over your problem, then we can forget about you again.

Jan: So, that’s it. (She grabs Cindy’s hand and rushes her up the stairs)

Cindy: I didn’t really mean…

Jan (calling): Greg, Bobby, Peter! (She and Cindy come in their room) Marcia, come in here a minute. I want to talk to you.

Greg: Jan, what’s this about?

Jan (angry): Okay, you can all cut out the special treatment (Marcia comes in) Cindy told me everything!

Cindy: Well, not everything. Just what I wasn’t supposed to.

Jan: You’re a bunch of fakes, that’s what you are!

Peter: What do you mean fakes?

Jan: I don’t need your help, and I don’t need ypur special treatment!

Marcia: Jan, take it easy.

Jan: and I don’t need you for brothers and sisters.

Bobby (to Peter): See, never lend a relative money.

Jan: Who asked you to do it? If I were an only child, I wouldn’t have any phony brothers and sisters! Who needs you?

Greg: You mean that, jan?

Jan: You’re right. I sure do!

Greg (getting up): Well, if that’s what you want, I’m sure it can be arranged! nRight, you guys?

(They all agree and gang up on Jan.)

Peter: You just lost yourself five brothers and sisters!

Marcia: And you can have the whole house to yourself!

Jan: Great!

Cindy: For us, too!

Greg: As far as you’re concerned, we don’t even exist !

Bobby: Yeah, we’re not even here!

Greg: Consider us invisible! Come on, gang, let’s disappear.

(They all leave the room. Suddenly, the guys come back.)

Peter: What are we leaving for?

Bobby: Yeah, this is our room!

(Jan leaves and Greg hold sthe door open and points for her to get out. He shuts the door behind her and he and the guys resume what they were doing. The scene fades away.)

(The next scene has the rest of the family practicing square dancing. Jan is on the phone with her friend, Donna.)

Jan: Isn’t this great, Donna? I can talk on the phone whenever I want, as long as I want. I’ll explain Saturday night when I sleep over at your house. Oh, that music is just my family practicing for that corny square dance.

(Cut back to the living room. The family is still practicing, then decide to wind down.)

Mike (sweating): I think that’s enough for tonight. Let’s stay out of the barn. Daddy’s pooped.

(They scatter around and then Jan comes out. Greg and Marcia are standing in front of the stairway.)

Jan: Do you mind? I’d like to go upstairs.

Greg: Don’t mind us, we’re invisible, remember.

(She goes up. Mike and Carol witness this and intervene.)

Carol: Now, what was that all about?

Greg: We agreed to make a deal with her.

Mike: What kind of deal?

Marcia: Well, she’s always complaining about wanting to be an only child.

Carol: So, what’s the deal?

Greg: If that’s the way she wants it. When she’s around, we don’t exist. We’re invisible.

(They go up the stairs.)

Carol: Uh, oh, Mike, what do you think?

Mike: Well, I think it’s better if the kids sometimes work things out for themselves. If that’s the kind of medicine Jan wants, think she’s about to get a big dose of it.

Carol: Oh, here we go.

(The next day, Carol is outside on the patio knitting and Jan comes out.)

Jan: See you later, Mom.

Carol: Where are you going?

Jan: To the library.

Carol: Okay, but be back by 1. Alice doesn’t want an all day lunch counter.

(Marcia comes out.)

Marcia: Hey, just a minute, you.

Jan: What do you think you’re doing?

Marcia: That’s my sweater.

Jan: So what? I always borrow your sweater.

Marcia: Well, not anymore. You no longer have a sister named Marcia, and if there’s no Marcia, there’s no Marcia’s sweater.

Carol (getting up): Okay, kids, okay.

Marcia: But Mom, we made a deal, remember?

Carol: I remember.

Marcia: And I’m sticking to it.

Carol (sternly): Jan, do you want to stick to it?

Jan: Yes.

Marcia: Fine, I’ll just take my invisible sweater and (she snaps her finger) vanish.

(She walks away.)

Jan: That’s not fair.

Carol: I’m afraid it is, honey. You can’t have it both ways. (Jan leaves and Carol slaps her behind) So long.

(Later, Alice is in the kitchen making lunch, with Bobby sitting down eating.)

Alice: You finished your second hamburger already, partner?

Bobby: Yep.

Jan: For a little varmint, you got the fastest mouth in the west.

Jan (coming in): I’m sorry I’m late, Alice. (she goes to sit down) I guess Bobby ate the last hamburger.

Alice: Oh no, remember, honey, I came from a large family myself, and it teaches you to be ready for all emergencies. (She pulls a burger out of the oven) This is the last hamburger.

Jan: Thank you, Alice.

Alice: And I can’t tell you where I got them stashed, but in case you need them, I also have the last pear, the last peach and the last banana.

Jan: Thanks. Pass the potato chips, Bobby. (He ignores her) I said pass the potato chips.

Bobby: Alice, would you pass what’s her name the potato chips?

Alice: They’re right in front of you. Your arms suddenly got short?

Bobby: Well you see, I can’t pass them, I’m not here.

Alice: You’re not here?

Bobby: That’s right.

Alice: How about you, Jan,are you here?

Jan: Of course I’m here.

Alice: You’re here but he isn’t?

Jan: That’s right.

(Greg comes in.)

Greg: Hi, Alice.

Alice: How about you, Greg?

Greg: How about me what?

Alice: Are you here?

Bobby: He isn’t here either.

Greg: That’s right.

Alice: Will someone please tell me what’s not going on around here?

Greg: I guess we should have filled you in, Alice. Sit down and I’ll explain.

Alice: Before I sit down, tell me one thing.

Greg: What?

Alice: Is that chair here?

(Cut to the family room, where Peter and Cindy are watching television and laughing. Jan comes in and their mood changes She starts to laugh and they frown.)

Jan (laughing): Right in the face, I wonder what kind of pie that was. Isn’t that funny, Pete?

(Peter gets up and walks out. Next, we hear dog noises coming from the TV.)

Jan: Isn’t it terrific the way they can make those dogs do those backflips. I wonder how they do that. Isn’t that cute, Cindy?

(Cindy gets up and leaves. Jan finds herself alone. She considers playing a record album but decided not to. Then she sees the checkerboard on the table.)

Jan: Hey, Marcia, would you…

(We next see Carol and Marcia making more preserves in the kitchen. Mike comes in )

Mike: : Hi, honey, I’m home.

Carol: We’re in here, Mike.

Mi: Hey, I do believe I died and gone to strawberry heaven.

Note: Robert Reed’s original line was ‘This smells like strawberry heaven.’ Reed objected due to his claim that strawberries have no odor while they’re cooking.

Carol: Want a taste?

Mike: Sure. (Carol gives him a taste) Mmm, fantastic.

Carol: Well, that’s Grandma’s old recipe for you.

Alice: Try mine, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Yeah. (He tastes) Alice, that’s out of this world.

Alice: Good old Aunt Millie.

Carol: Do you think Alice’s tastes better than mine?

Mike: I didn’t say that.

Alice: Mrs. Brady tastes better than mine?

Mike: I didn’t say that, either.

Carol: Well, then, what do you say?

Alice: Tell it like it is, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Well.

Alice: Yes?

Mike: Let me put it this way.

Carol: Yes?

Mike: I don’t want to scrub the kitchen. I don’t want to sleep in the den. I ain’t saying.

( He walks away.)

Alice: Chicken.

(The next scene has the kids outside having a potato sack race me)

Peter (to Bobby and Cindy): On your mark, get set, go.

(Bobby and Cindy race over to Greg and Marcia, who cheer them on. Jan sadly watches from inside, while Greg and Marcia take the sacks and they race. Bobby and Cindy then race again but fall. Jan walks away and goes to see Mike, who’s working in his den.)

Jan: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hi, honey.

Jan: Mind if I watch?

Mike: No, not if you find supermarkets interesting.

Jan: I’m crazy about supermarkets.

Mike: Wouldn’t you rather be doing something more interesting?

Jan: Mmm Mmm, this is very interesting.

Mike: I think the kids are out back practicing the sack race.

Jan: I know. It looks dull. Besides, they probably wouldn’t want me out there anyway.

Mike: Well, you know, sweetheart. Sometimes when you make a deal, and it turns out badly, the best thing to do is to get out of it.

Jan: Did they say it was a bad deal?

Mike: No, but you never know. Sometimes when you find out it’s turned out badly, there’s every chance they have too.

Jan (crying): I don’t know.

Mik: Oh, come on, come on, (he raises her chin) think about it, hmm.

(Jan smiles and he kisses her cheek.)

Mike: Okay?

Jan (quietly): Yeah.

Mike: Go get ’em.

(Meanwhile, the other kids have a slight argument over who races who next.)

Greg: Boys against girls.

Marcia: Wait, wait, wait, Cindy can’t run this far.

Cindy: Yeah,bI have shorter legs.

Greg: All right, well, I’ll be your partner.

(They continue to argue until Peter interrupts.)

Peter: Hold it, hold it, hold it. Come on, we’ll team up and we’ll beat ’em.

Greg: I’ll be the lineup.

(Bobby and Cindy grab the sacks and Greg lines them up.)

Greg: On your mark, get set, go!

(They race, with Marcia begging Bobby to hurry. Jan comes out and blocks them.)

Jan: No!

( The others gather around.)

Peter: Move it, Jan.

Jan: I won’t! No!

Greg: Run along, Miss only child.

Jan: Well, if I’m an only child, this is my back yard.

(The others loudly protest.)

Jan: All right! I’ll get out of your way on a couple of conditions.

Marcia: What?

Jan: That you’ll let me in the race.

Marcia: Yeah.

Jan: And that you’ll promise to be my brothers and sisters again.

Marcia: Are you sure that’s what you want, Jan?

Jan: Positive. Once you’ve been pushed around by brothers and sisters like you, you sure do miss it.

Greg: Nice to have you back.

(Cindy and Marcia hug her and Peter and Bobby scream their approval.)

Greg: Hey, Jan, grab a sack. I’ll be your partner.

Jan: Wait a minute, I forgot something, I’ll be right back.

(The adults come out while Jan is on her way in.)

Carol: Hey, where are you going, honey?

Jan: To call Donna to tell her I can’t stay over, because I’m going to the hoedown.

Carol (hugging her): Oh, that’s terrific.

Jan: Hey, I got an idea. Is it all right if I invite Donna to come with us.

Mike: Sure, that’s a good idea.

Jan: Good, then she won’t be an only child either.

(She goes inside.)

Greg: Hey, Alice! Why don’t you fill in for Jan. I need a partner.

(The others encourage her. She resists until Mike and Carol talk her into it.)

Alice: Well, I’ll give her a try.

(She joins the kids.)

Mike (to Carol): Hey, what are we standing around for? This looks like fun.

Carol: Well, I’m game if you are.

(We next see the whole family taking part in the race.)

Mike: Okay, on your mark, get set, go.

(They all race. Mike and Greg fall while Peter wins. The scene fades .)

(The final scene has the Bradys coming home form the dance.)

Carol: Now I know why they only have these hoedowns once a year.

Marcia: Why?

Carol: Whoo, it takes that long for your feet to recover.

Mike: Okay everyone, it’s been a big night. Let’s hit the sack.

Peter: Okay, Dad. We’ll be up in a minute.

(The parents go upstairs while the kids all ask Alice to wait on them. She does her signature whistle.)

Alice: Hold it, hold it, now. I had a long, hard day and I am pooped. So please, till tomorrow morning, it’s my turn to be invisible.

(She opens the refrigerator door and the kids all help themselves.)


S4 E7 The Show Must Go On??

The Show Must Go on?

written by Harry Winkler

Greg and Marcia perform at their school’s talent show, with Mike and Carol. I hope you enjoy the script.












MURIEL, girl in Peter’s class


MRS. TUTTLE, Organizer of talent show

(The episode begins with Carol and Alice in the kitchen. They are moving things from the cupboard to the counter. Greg and Marcia have just gotten back from school.)

Marcia: Greg, are you sure Mom is gonna take it that way?

Greg: How should I know? I can’t put myself in her place.

Marcia: The problem is, how to we break it to her?

Greg (laughing): What do you mean we? I didn’t have anything to do with it.

( He walks off.)

Marcia: Thanks a lot. You’re a real friend.

Greg: I’ll give you a piece of advice.

Marcia: What?

Greg: Put your sneakers on before you tell her.

Marcia: My sneakers?

Greg: Yeah. When she hears what you have to say, you may have to run for your life.

(He goes inside. Marcia ponders before following him.)

Carol: Alice, you know this yellow shell paper is really gonna look nice.

Greg: Hi, Mom. Hi, Alice.

Carol: Hi.

Marcia: Hi.

Alice: Hi, kids.

Marcia: Mom. You know what?

Carol: What?

Marcia: Well.

Greg: Go on, tell her.

Carol: Tell me what?

Marcia: Well, 2 weeks from Friday night is our annual Family Night Frolics.

Carol: Yeah, I know. I heard about it at the PTA meeting.

Marcia: And all the entertainment that night is from the students and the parents.

Carol: Yeah, it’s a good idea, isn’t it?

Marcia: Well, it’s for a great cause. Isn’t it, Greg?

Greg: Yeah, it’s to raise money for special school equipment.

Carol: I know, we’re gonna buy tickets.

Alice: Yeah, I’ll take a stack down for Sam to sell at the butcher shop.

Marcia: Well, it’s gonna be a fantastic evening. And it’s gonna be a really super act. One of the mothers and daughters are gonna sing a duet.

(Carol has some mugs in her hands.)

Carol: Oh, sounds great. Anyone I know?

Marcia: Yeah, you and me.

(Carol almost drops the cups. Greg grabs them before they fall. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Carol arguing the issue.)

Carol: No way, absolutely not.

Marcia: But Mom, you always loved to sing.

Carol: Yes, I do love to sing. But not in front of a bunch of mothers.

Greg: Mom, you know most of them.

Carol: That’s the trouble. I’d rather sing in the lion’s cage in the zoo.

Marcia (begging); Mom, please. I promised the entertainment committee you’d do it with me.

Carol: You can keep half your promised. You can sing.

Marcia: But it’s family night. (She turns to Mike, who is reading the paper) Dad, will you talk to her?

Mike: Honey, it’s up to her. If your mother wants to chicken out, it’s her chicken.

(Greg laughs and Carol goes up to him.)

Carol: What do you mean, my chicken?

Mike: Honey, if the kids are willing to do their part, the least the parents can do is theirs.

Carol: I am wiling to do my part. I’ll sweep the stage. I’ll usher. I’ll take tickets. Anytihng where I can keep my mouth shut.

Greg; That’s the trouble with all the parents. Hardly any of them will get up to perform. We hardly have enough for a show.

Mike: You sang at the church at Christmas.

Carol: Yeah, but people didn’t have to pay to get in.

Mike: Come to think of it, we didn’t get much money in the collection basket that night. Come on, honey, do it.

Greg: Oh. honey, if Marcia’s willing to go out on a limb with her voice, what have you got to lose?

(Carol ponders for a minute.)

Carol: You make me feel like a traitor.

Mike: Not at all, Benedict.

(Greg and Marcia look down at her.)

Carol: Okay, I’ll do it.

(They cheer and Marcia kisses her. They leave and she looks over at Mike, who puts the paper in front of his face. She tries punching it, then poking onit. Finally, she rips it to see his face.)

(Upstairs in the girls’ room, Marcia tells her sisters the news.)

Marcia (excited): Hey, Mom will do it.

Jan: Oh, that’s great.

Marcia: But, we got to sell lots of tickets.

Jan: Don’t worry, we’ll sell them.

Cindy: I’ll even buy some. How much are they?

Marcia: Two dollars.

Cindy: I better stick to selling them.

(Marcia laughs. The next scene has Peter and Bobby selling tickets door to door.)

Bobby: How many tickets do you have left?

Peter: Only 15.

Bobby: How many did you start with?

Peter: 16.

Bobby: Boy, some sale.

(Peter rings the bell to a house. The lady of the house comes out )

Lady: Can I help you boys?

Peter: Yes, ma’am. We’re selling these tickets to family night Frolics at Westdale High School.

Bobby: It’s for buying stuff for the school, so it will be better when little kids like me get there.

(The woman is indifferent.)

Lady: I’m sorry.

(She shakes her head no and starts to close the door. Peter’s classmate, Muriel, appears at the door.)

Muriel: Hi, Peter.

Peter: Hi, Muriel. I didn’t know this was your house.

Lady: Oh, you two know each other.

Muriel: We’re in the same homeroom. Aren’t we, Peter.

Lady: Oh, well, I got some work to do.

(She leaves )

Muriel: What are you doing here?

Peter: Trying to sell these tickets for family night Frolics.

Bobby: But your Mom’s not interested.

Peter: Well, so long.

Muriel (stopping him): Peter, are you going to the movies next Saturday afternoon?

Peter: Why?

Muriel: Maybe we can go together.

Peter (shocked): You and me?

Muriel: Yes, if you can go and we can go together, I’m sure my Mom can buy some tickets from you.

(Peter balks at the homely girl’s invitation.)

Peter: I’ll think about it.

(They walk away and Muriel closes the door.)

Peter (to Bobby): Can you see me taking her?

Bobby: Well, I say you’d make a cinch sale.

Peter: So what?

Bobby: Don’t you believe in higher education?

Peter: Yeah, but I don’t want to get stuck with Muriel.

Bobby: Better than getting stuck with all those tickets.

(Peter changes his mind and rings Muriel’s bell again. She answers.)

Peter: Listen, Muriel…

Muriel: I’d love to.

Petet: I haven’t asked you yet.

Muriel: That’s okay.

(She runs to call for her mother and Bobby congratulates him.)

Bobby: Good deal.

Peter: Believe me, it’s no bargain.

(Cut back to the house, where Carol is looking through a songbook. Alice comes out.)

Alice: I’m gonna bring these tickets down to Say m Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Sure, Alice. (She passes by and Carol looks up) You know something, I don’t think these songs are gonna work.

Alice: What songs are those?

Carol: Well, since I’m gonna be singing for high school kids, I thought I’d sing one of their current hits. But these lyrics, their expressions. Honestly, I think they’re trying to start a new language.

Alice: I wouldn’t worry about it, Mrs. Brady. With the songs the way they are nowadays, you can’t hear the words well enough to understand what you would’ve heard something you would’ve heard anyway.

(Alice leaves and Carol looks at her with confusion. We next see Alice at the butcher shop with Sam. She gives him a handful of tickets to sell.)

Sam: Honey, no problem. I won’t have any trouble at all getting rid of these tickets for you.)

Alice: I knew I could count on you, Sam.

(He laughs with pride.)

Sam: Listen, if my customers won’t buy one, I’ll put my thumb on the scale.

Alice: What time do you want to pick me up, Sam? The show starts at 8 o’clock.

Sam: Oh, well, look. I said I’d take the tickets. I didn’t say I’d take you.

Alice: Well, I thought you’d ask me now than later.

Sam: Well, I can’t.

Alice: What do you mean you can’t?

Sam: My team has bowling practice that night.

Alice: Bowling practice?

Sam: Yeah, well, it’s the last chance we get to practice before we bowl against the bakery boys. And us meatcutters are gonna grind ’em up.

Alice: You gotta be kidding.

Sam: What do you mean kidding? I just had my bowling jacket cleaned and pressed.

Alice (disappointed): You mean, you’re really not gonna take me to the family frolic night?

Sam: Well, I got my team to think about.

Alice: If you want something to think about, you might try thinking about kissing your bowling ball good night.

Sam: Now, look, Alice, you’re being unreasonable.

Alice: Unreasonable? You’d rather go out with a bowling ball than with me?

Sam: Aw, come on now, honey. Where is that understanding little girl I fell in love with?

Alice: I’ll tell you where she is. She’s walking right out of this butcher shop and she is never gonna dark in your doorstep again.

(She angrily leaves.)

Sam: Women.

(Back home, Alice is hitting the kitchen counter with a spatula. Jan and Cindy look on.)

Alice: Men. They’re nothing but mean, self-centered (she hits the counter again) insects.

Cindy: Boy, you sure do sound mad at Sam.

Alice: Girls, when you grow up, don’t ever go out with a butcher that bowls.

Sam: Look, Alice, Sam will probably call up any minute to patch things up.

Alice: It’s too late. You know what I’d say to him right now if he called?

Jan: What?

Alice: I’d tell him if he thinks he can make up with me, he’s got more holes in his head than his bowling ball.

Cindy: Don’t you wanna make up with him?

Alice: Well, sure I do. But I can’t let him know that. Trouble is. I just let Sam take me too much for granted.

Jan: You should have kept him guessing.

Alice: Right. Just when you think they don’t need you, they come crawling to you, and that’s when you (She uses the spatula again) whack ’em.

(Next. Mike comes home from work as Carol and Marcia are rehearsing.)

Mike: Honey, I’m home. (He gets no response) Where are you?

Carol (calling from the family room): In here, dear. (She sings a note) Should we do that?

Marcia: Yeah.

Carol: Hey, Mike, we found a song for our duet.

Marcia: It’s from the musical, Gypsy.

Mike: Hey, good, because I sold 10 tickets at the office today.

Carol: You didn’t have any trouble selling them?

Mike: No, no trouble at all. Not to my secretary, not to my assistant. not to a whole lotta other people who still wanna work for me.

(They kiss and Greg comes in.)

Greg: Hi, everybody. (They all say hi) I got some good news.

Carol: Oh, good, what?

Greg: You know, Mrs Tuttle.

Carol: Yeah.

Greg: Well, she said she needed a lot more acts for the show. So I told her I play a little guitar.

Mike: Hey.

Marcia: You’re gonna be in the show, too?

Greg: Yeah, sort of.

Carol: What do you mean, sort of?

Greg (sheepish): Well, she said that since you and Marcia were doing a duet, maybe I can do an act with somebody, too.

(They all look at Mike.)

Mike: I hope he hasn’t done anything I’m gonna regret.

Marcia: You mean, you and Dad in the show? I think it’s super.

Mike (shocked): Wait a minute, I can’t be in the show.

Carol (laughing): You didn’t say that when I needed you, buster. You said, oh, every parent should do their part.

Marcia: Right, Mom.

Mike: I don’t sing, I can’t dance, I can’t play a musical instrument. I don’t even juggle oranges.

Greg: I already told Me. Tuttle you didn’t have any talent. What I mean is, anyway, she said, you can do a dramatic reading and I can accompany you on the guitar.

Carol: That sounds wonderful to me.

Marcia: Terrific.

Mike: I think I can manage a reading, but I wouldn’t know what to select, or choose, or anything.

Greg: She said to recite this.

(He hands Mike a paper.)

Mike: What does Ms. Tuttle teach? Mind reading?

Marcia: Greg, let’s go tell everyone Dad’s gonna be in the show.

Greg: Yeah.

(They walk away and Carol goes up to Mike.)

Carol: Oh, cheer up, honey. Besides raising money for a good cause, there’s another advantage to all this.

Mike: What’s that?

Carol: Well, once we learn our act, we do them all over again.

Mike: Oh yeah, how do you figure that?

Carol: Well, we have four more kids heading to Westdale High. More reading for you, my dear.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike coming into the boys’ room to see Greg.)

Mike: Greg, have you read this poem that Mrs. Tuttle sent for me to recite on the family frolic night?

Greg: No.

Mike: Well, I tried it a couple of different ways but (Pause) I think we got a problem here.

Greg: What do you mean?

Mike: Well, let me try it and you guys see what you think. Come on, Peter.

(Peter and Bobby gather around him and he prepared to recite.)

Greg: Okay, go aheaInhi Mike (reciting): The day is done in the darkness falls from the wIngs of night. As a feather is wafted downward from an eagle in his flight. (Greg starts to yawn) I see the lights of the village gleam through the rain and the mist. (Greg sets a pillow down and lays on it) And a feeling of sadness comes over me, that my soul cannot resist. The feeling of sadness… (Peter and Bobby fall asleep as well) Well, I see your get the point. (He goes to sit down, feeling discouraged) I’m afraid I’m afraid I’m gonna put everyone in the audience to sleep with this thing.

Bobby: It’s doze filled all right.

Peter: Can’t you do something else?

Greg: No. Ms. Tuttle made a special point of saying she’d like you to do that poem. I guess she thinks it’s beautiful.

Mi: Well, it is a beautiful poem but, it needs some entertainment.(He suddenly gets an idea) Say, maybe there is a way we can do this after all.

Greg: How, Dad?

Mike: When I was in college, I had to do a poem called, get this, Old Bowser, Brave Bowser. (The guys laugh) So, what we did was…

(He explains to them as we cut to the next scene. Carol comes down the stairs and sees Mike going over the poem some more.)

Carol: Still worried about Mrs. Turtle’s poem, honey?

Mike: Worried about Mrs. Turtle’s poem? Ohhh….

Carol: I thought you said it was gonna be a disaster.

Mike: Eh, eh.

(She sees him writing )

Carol: What are you doing?

Mike: Honey, honey. (He moves the paper away) You just gotta wait and see.

Carol: Oh, come on.

(Alice comes out with coffee,)

Alice: Hi there, folks. I thought you might want some nice, hot, fresh, perked coffee. Okay.

Carol: Oh, thanks, Alice.

Mike: Good idea, Alice.

Alice: Og, it’s all right. Don’t mention it. My pleasure. No trouble at all. (to Carol) Mrs. Brady, you sure are lucky Mr. Brady isn’t a butcher.

Carol: Oh, having trouble with Sam, huh.

Alice: Not anymore. Who needs him. After all, I mean, there are a lot other fish in the sea. If you like going around with fish.

Mike: Sam’s really got you upset. Huh, Alice.

Alice: Me? Upset? Nah. Just got an ornery old butcher who’d rather play with his bowling ball than take me out to family night Frolics.

(She pours water in Mike’s cup.)

Mike: Alice.

Alice: Oh. (She continues to pour until she realizes she made a mistake) I’m sorry. I guess I forgot to put coffee in the perkulator.

(She takes back the cups while Mike continues to do his thing. Carol watches and he again hides it.)

(Cut to Sam’s butcher shop, where Jan and Cindy are waiting to speak to him. He’s just finished talking care of some customers.)

Sam: Thank you very much, come again. (to the girls) Now, let’s see, that’s one pound of Sam’s classy cold cuts. Right. (Jan nods) Well, ladies, tell me, how’s everything going at home?

Jan: Oh, everything is just fine at home.

Sam: Oh, good, good, good, and Alice?

Jan: Alice is especially fine. She’s just great.

Alice: Oh, well, that’s good. I expect that she’s been asking about me.

Cindy: Nope.

Sam (shocked): Nope.

Jan: Well, I guess she’s been too busy.

Sam: What’s she so busy about?

Jan: Well, we really shouldn’t tell you.

Sam: Tell me what?

Cindy: About the man.

Sam: What man?

Jan: There’s this guy that Alice has been going with.

San: Going with?

(Jan nods.)

Cindy: Practically every night.

Sam: Well, who is he?

Çindy: We don’t know, we’ve never seen him.

Jan: They’re probably meeting at some secret rendezvous.

Sam: What secret rendezvous?

Cindy: If we knew, it wouldn’t be a secret.

Jan: Whenever Alice comes home, she’s always laughing and giggling and humming.

Sam: Laughing and giggling and humming. Well, that does it.

(He takes his coat and closed sign.)

Sam: She doesn’t even have the common decency to wait till our love grows cold before she’s out galavanting with some night crawling rendezvouser!

Jan: Are you closing up?

Sam: You bet I am. Nobody gets any more meat in here until I settle Alice’s hash.

(Jan and Cindy laugh to each other. Sam comes over to settle the score.)

Sam (angry): Alice!

Alice (surprised): Sam!

Sam: All right, Alice. Who is it?

Alice: Who’s who?

Sam: I know, it’s the guy at the vegetable stand. Right?

Alice: Vegetable stand. Malcolm.

Sam: Yeah, that figures. I seen the way he looks at you when you thump his honey dews.

Alice: Sam, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Sam: Uh huh. Then it’s Ralph at the fish market.

Alice: Ralph?

Sam: Don’t deny it, Alice.

Alice: You gotta be out of your head.

Sam: Don’t argue with me, Alice. My mind is made up. You’re coming with me to the family night Frolics and that’s final.

Alice: Is that the night you got bowling practice?

Sam: Don’t tell me when to practice. I’m picking you up at 7:30 sgarp. Any questions?

Alice: No, Sam. No questions.

Sam : Okay.

(He leaves )

Alice (to no one in particular): I don’t know what you did, but thank you.

(Cut to the school. It’s the night of the show and it starts with a father and daughter playing a duet on the trumpet. Mrs. Tuttle comes out when they finish.)

Mrs. Tuttle: Wasn’t that a delight? And now, we have another delight to delight you. (Alice signals to Jan and Cindy that Marcia and Carol are on) Mrs. Carol Brady and her delightful daughter, Marcia.

(She claps and they open the curtain. We see Marcia wearing an old style costume and sitting on a bench. She looks around and finds Carol over by a trash can. They perform some comedic acts, then start to sing.)

Carol and Marcia: Wherever we go, whatever we do, we’re gonna go through it together. We may not go far, but sure as a star, wherever we are it’s together.

Carol: Wherever I go, I know she goes.

Marcia: Wherever I go, I know she goes.

Carol and Marcia: No fits, no fights, no feuds and no ego. Amigos together. Through thick and through thin, all out or all in. And whether it’s win, place or show.
With you for me and me for you, we’ll muddle through whatever we do. Together, wherever we go.

(They play a solo as Marcia and Carol do a dance.)

Carol and Marcia: Through thick and through thin, all out or all in. And whether it’s win, place or show. With you for me and me for you, we’ll muddle through whatever we do. Together, together, together. With you for me and me for you, we’ll muddle through whatever we do. Together, together, together. With you for me and me for you, we’ll muddle through whatever we do. Together, wherever we go.

(The curtain falls and Mrs. tuttle comes out again.)

Mrs. Tuttle: Wasn’t that a delight, too. But talent is not restricted to the ladies in the Brady family. No indeed. Here is Mike Brady and his son Greg in adelightful presentation of their own.

(The curtain opens as Mike and Greg appear.)

Mike: Day Is Done by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. (Greg backs Mike up with the guitar while he recites) The day is done, and the darkness falls from the wings of night, as a feather is wafted downward (some feathers fall to Mike’s surprise, causing him to stall. it was Bobby and Peter adding props to the scene) a feather is wafted downward from an eagle in his flight. (They bring an eagle down to the stage and the audience laughs) I see the lights of the village gleam through the rain and the mist (the boys pour water down on Mike, making him wet) and a feeling of sadness comes over me that my soul cannot resist. A feeling of sadness and longing, that is not akin to pain and resembles sorrow only as the mist resembles the rain (The boys pour more water down, much to mike’s horror. The audience laughs) Not from the grand old masters, not from the bards sublime, whose distant footsteps echo through the corridors of time (Greg bangs a little on the guitar. Mike slaps at him to stop) For, like strains of martial music

(Peter turns on the radio and it plays music. Mike gets startled. then he and Bobby pull down the eagle and throw down feathers and water. Mike puts up an umbrella as the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike coming home from work through the backdoor.)

Mike: Carol, honey.

Carol (coming in the family room): Hi, sweetheart. I was just fixing you something cold to drink.

(She kisses him.)

Mike (sitting down): Well, any repercussions on the family night frolics?

Carol: I tell you, that telephone hadn’t stopped ringing all day.

Mike: Threatening phone calls?

Carol: No, they were very complimentary.

Mike: Well naturally, you and Marcia wer egreat.

Carol: There were just as many calls for you and Greg. I tell you, you guys were a smash hit. You know, it was really a very big shoot.

(Alice comes in the family room.)

Alice: Excuse me, folks. Dinner will be ready in 20 minutes. Turkey with all the trimmings. We are celebrating Thanksgiving.

Mike: Thanksgiving? Alice, I think your calendar is a little mixed up.

Alice: Thanksgiving to me. Sam’s back and I got him.

(She leaves.)

Carol: well, since we’re celebrating holidays. Happy Easter.

Mike: Merry Christmas.

(They take sips of their drinks.)


S4 E6 Fright Night

untitled parents

Fright Night

Written by Brad Radnitz

The boys trick the girls to think the house is roaming with ghosts. The girls get even with a similar trick. Hope you enjoy the script.











(The episode begins with Mike and Carol in the family room. Carol is working on a bust, with Mike as the model. Mike, however, is falling asleep.)

Carol: Honey, your head is drooping.

Mike: Hmm?

Carol: I said your head is drooping.

Mike: Sweetheart, all of me is drooping. Even Michael Angelo went to bed. I thought your sculpture class exhibit was on Saturday.

Carol: It is, honey. But it will take a whole day to bake your head in the kiln. It has to be fired.

Mike: Yeah, listen, if I don’t get up in the morning and finish that design, my boss is gonna fire me.

Carol (reluctant): Okay, you promise you’ll pose tomorrow?

Mike (promise): Yes, I promise.

Carol (examining the bust): Gee, it’s beginning to look like a real head.

Mike: Yeah, whose.

(She gets a little irked. But then they kiss )

(Next, the girls are in their room sleeping. Cindy and Jan are awakened by a noise coming outside from the window.,)

Jan (frightened): Somebody’s in the attic.

Cindy: What could it be?

Jan: I don’t know.

(Jan sees something resembling a ghost. She screams and points at it. She and Cindy look in terror and Marcia wakes up. The scene fades.)

untitled ghost

(The next scene picks up, where Mike and Carol come in the girls’ room to see what’s causing the yelling and screaming.)

Carol: What is the matter?

Cindy: We thought we saw a ghost.

Jan: It was right outside the window.

Cindy: It was dancing in the tree?

Carol: Calm down, it’ll be all right.

Marcia: I didn’t see a thing, Dad.

Cindy: It was the biggest ghost you ever saw.

Mike: Well, I think it was a probably just the moonlight shining in the trees.

Jan: No, Dad. We heard it too. It was walking around in the attic first.

Carol: Oh, honey. On a dark, windy night, your imagination can play all sorts of tricks on you.

Marcia: I didn’t hear a thing Mom.

Jan: Well, we did. You were asleep while it was walking around.

Carol (skeptical): Walking, sleeping, Mike that was a very energetic ghost. I wonder why we can’t see it or hear it now.

Cindy: It’s probably back in the attic, resting.

Mike: Well, there’s one way to find out. Go up in the attic and take a look.

Cindy (afraid): No, not me. I’ll wait till morning.

Mike: Kids, how many times have I told you? There’s no such thing as ghosts.

(He gets up to go up to the attic. Alice suddenly comes in and gives him a scare.)

Alice: What’s the matter, Mr. Brady?

Mike (startled): It’s all right, Alice. Kids just thought they saw a ghost outside.

Alice: Oh, ghosts are no such thing, kids.

Mike: See.

Cindy: We saw it, Alice. Honest.

Alice: Well maybe I left one of my nightgowns hanging on the washline. That would scare anybody in the dark.

(Mike laughs.)

Carol (getting up) Oh, well, everything is under control now, Alice. Thanks for checking.

(Alice leaves.)

Mike (to Carol): Let’s have a look in the attic.

Carol: Yeah, you kids go on to bed.  We’ll take care of it.

(They go out into the hall, where they see Greg and Bobby..)

Greg (tired): What’s happening, Dad?

Mike: Nothing, boys. The girls just had a little scare.

Bobby: Are they okay?

Carol,: Yeah, they’re fine. Go on back to bed.

(They head to the attic while the boys go in the room. Peter has a sheet on, dressed like a ghost. They all laugh.)

Greg (laughing): We scared ’em.

Bobby: Yeah, didn’t you hear them scream?

(Mike and Carol are up in the attic.)

Carol: Now, I wonder who could’ve left this window open.

(They notice a rocking chair next to the window.)

Carol: Hey, look.

Mike: I think we found our ghost

(Down in the girls’ room, they explain to the girls what they found.)

Marcia: Well, what did you find?

Mike: Nothing. The creaking you heard was the rocking chair.

Jan: Yeah, but who was in it?

Carol: Nobody.

Cindy: How do you know?

Carol: Well, the seat was all covered with dust.

Cindy: Ghosts don’t leave any marks when they sit down. Everybody knows that.

Mike: Okay, girls, there is nothing in the attic, and there’s nothing in the trees outside. So let’s all go back to sleep, huh.

Carol: Right, and dream of nice things.

(She kisses Cindy and Mike kisses Marcia good night. They get up and head to their room.)

Carol: Good night, girls.

Marcia: Good night.

Carol: See you in the morning.

Jan: Good night.

(They overhear the boys’ laughter in their room.)

Mike: You know, I think our ghosts are in there.

Carol: All three of them.

(They go in their room. Cut back to the girls’ room.)

Marcia: You know what, I bet we won’t see any more ghosts tonight.

Jan: What makes you so sure?

Marcia: I have a feeling they all gone to sleep.

Cindy: In the attic?

Marcia: No, across the hall. Greg, Peter and Bobby. I bet they rigged up this whole thing.

Jan: You’re right. They’re always playing tricks on us.

Cindy: Those monsters. Are you sure?

Marcia: Tomorrow we’ll do a little detective work and I bet we can prove this whole thing.

Jan: That’s right. We don’t have any ghosts in our house, we have three rats.

Cindy nods. The next day, they go into the boys’ room to find some clues.)

Marcia: Jan, you look in the closet. Cindy, you check under the beds and I’ll take the dresser drawers.

Jan: What are we looking for?

Marcia: I’m not sure, but I bet we’ll find it.

Cindy: Hey, I found something.

(She pulls something out from under Greg’s bed.)

Marcia: What’s the slide projector doing under Greg’s bed?

Jan: It’s usually in the family room.

Marcia: Hey, there’s a slide in it. (They see a picture of a ghost.) Look at this.

Jan: It’s somebody with a sheet over his head.

Cindy: Yeah, it’s one of the boys under a sheet.

Marcia: So, that’s how they did it. They aimed this projector out of the window on to the tree.

Jan: That’s our ghost. Peter with a sheet.

Cindy: But how do you explain the creaking in the attic?

Marcia: It still could’ve been the rocking chair. The boys could’ve moved it down here with this rope.

Cindy: How?

Marcia: Well, (she goes to the chair at the desk) Let’s say this is the rocking chair (she ties a rope to the chair) And they did this. (She rocks it,) And it would rock. And when they finished, the rope would disappear.

Cindy: That’s really smart.

Marcia: What?

Cindy: Dirty, but smart.

Marcia: Dirty is right. We got to get back at them for what they did.

Jan: Yeah, give them a dose of their own medicine.

(The next scene has Alice going into the family room with dessert for Mike and Carol, who are still working on Carol’s bust.)

Alice: Excuse me, folks. I hate to disturb the artist at work, but.you left the dinner table before dessert.

Carol: No thanks, Alice. Not for me.

Mike: Yeah, well, I’ll have mine. (She goes to him so he can take it) Mmm hmm.

Alice (to Carol): Oh boy, that’s coming along just fine. (the bust)

Carol: Oh, thanks.

Alice: Whoever that is.

(She leaves and Mike takes a taste of his dessert. Carol tries to work on the bust some more.,)

Carol: Mike, would you hold your mouth still, please.

. Mike: Why don’t you work on the forehead.

Carol: Honey, I have to work on the whole face at the same time.

Mike: Do it here.

(He turns his face sideways.)

Carol: Oh, Mike, please.

Mike: Listen, I thought it was the artist who was supposed to starve, not the model. (He raised the dessert dish) I’ll give you a bite.

Carol: No, thank you.

(Alice goes out to the living room, where all the kids are sitting at the table. She gives all them their desserts.)

Greg: Here it is.

(They all get excited over Alice’s dessert. She goes around the table to give to all the kids.,)

Marcia: Are you still scared, Cindy?

Cindy: Boy, I don’t think I wanna go to sleep tonight?

Peter: How come?

Jan: Because of that ghost. I think we oughtta lock our windows and doors.

Alice: I think you girls are scaring yourselves more than that non-existent ghost did. No such thing as ghosts, right fellas.

(They all agree.)

Marcia: Just the same, I’ll never go in that attic again.

Cindy: Me neither. Not with that ghost around.

Peter (joking): Maybe we oughtta charge them rent.

(He and the boys laugh.)

Jan: I’ll bet you guys wouldn’t go up in the attic.

Greg (laughing): She’s putting us on.

Jan: At night?

Cindy: With all the lights out?

Bobby: Any time.

Marcia: I’ll bet you guys wouldn’t.

Greg: I’ll bet we would.

Marcia: Okay. I’ll bet you my allowance you guys aren’t brave enough to go up there and spend the night.

Jan: Me too.

Cindy: Me too.

Peter: You’re kidding.

Bobby: Your whole allowance?

Greg: I’m not afraid of any ghosts in the attic. Are you guys?

Peter: No way. It sounds like easy money to me.

Bobby: Me too

Greg: Okay, our allowance against yours, we won’t spend the night in the attic.

Marcia: All three of you, all night.

Greg: Right.

(They all agree and shake on it.)

Marcia: Alice will hold the money.

Greg: Fine.

(The boys go to ask the parents permission to sleep in the attic that night.)

Peter: Please?

Greg: Is it okay?

Carol: I don’t know.

Mike: Whose idea was it?

Bobby: The girls. What a cinch bet.

Peter: And it’s for their own good. If we survive, they’ll know the attic isn’t haunted.

Carol: Isn’t that heroic of them. And whose gonna help the girls get over their disappointment when they lose their allowance?

Greg: Poorer, but wiser, which is more important?

Peter: Yeah.

Bobby: Yeah.

Mike: Yeah, well, what do you say, honey?

Carol: Well.

Greg: Come on.

Carol: Since tomorrow isn’t a school day, okay.

(They get excited and thank the parents. Then they leave the family room.)

Carol: That’ll give the girls a chance to get even.

Mike: Yeah, I don’t know what’s gonna happen, but you can count on it.

(That night, the guys are up in the attic, with Alice helping them.)

Alice: Okay, guys, that oughtta do it.

Greg: Thanks, Alice.

Alice: Well, I sure say the girls made a sucker bet.

Bobby: Yeah, we should have better our allowances for a whole year.

Peter: I can count the money now.

Alice: Well, good night, guys. (She puts her arms to resemble a ghost) And don’t be afraid of things that go bump in the night.

Peter: Good night, Alice.

Greg: Thanks.

(She turns the light out and leaves the attic.)

Peter: Okay, ghosts, come and get us.

(They all laugh.)

Greg: Bobby.

Bobby: What.

Greg: Boo.

(Bobby pretends to be scared. Alice comes down the stairs as the girls watch.)

Cindy: They’re all up there.

Jan: All seems a go.

Marcia: You mean all seems a ghost.

(They laugh and shut their bedroom door. The scene fades.)

untitled dirty and smart

(In the next scene, the boys are sleeping soundly in the attic when suddenly, the trunk starts to open and a voice starts speaking. It turns out to be Marcia, who made a tape.)

Marcia: I feel warm. I feel very warm. Air, I must have air. (Bobby makes a sound) Let me out. I must get out.

Peter (tired): Get out and be quiet.

Bobby: Huh?

Peter: I said go to sleep and be quiet.

Bobby: What are you yelling about. I am asleep.

Peter: then stop talking in your sleep.

Marcia: I’m burning up. I’ve got to get out.

Peter (waking up): Bobby, stop blabbering!

Bobby: I’m not blabbering!

Marcia: I must have air. Give me air.

Peter: Did you hear that?

Bobby: I thought it was you.

(The trunk opens and Marcia makes moaning sounds.)

Marcia: Get me out. I’m burning up. I must rise and walk tonight. (The trunk opens all the way and a body of plastic comes out) I’m free. I’m free at last.

(Peter and Bobby panic and wake up Greg.)

Greg (waking up); What’s going on?

(Peter and Bobby scurry downstairs while Greg looks to see what the scam is. Carol and Mike hear it from their room.)

Carol: Well, here it is. Round 2 of the battle of the ghosts.

(Peter and Bobby are downstairs.)

Bobby: Boy, that was close.

Peter: Where’s Greg? Greg! Are you still in there?

(Mike and Carol come out in the hall.)

Mike: Boys, boys, what’s going on?

Bobby: There’s a ghost in the attic.

(They explain about the plastic in the trunk and the voice and Marcia comes out.)

Marcia: What are you guys doing down here?

Bobby: Safer down here than it is up there.

Marcia: You lost a bet. You didn’t stay up there all night.

Peter: Who cares about losing a bet. We may have lost a brother.

Mike: Okay, kids. Ghost time is over. Go on.

Carol: Good. Come on.

(Mike and Carol go up to the attic with Marcia. Mike makes Bobby and Peter come along. Greg is up there and exposes the trick.)

Greg: Wrapping paper. Two fishlines. They go over the beam, out the window and down to the girls’ room.

Peter: then how did they get the voice in the trunk.

Carol: Ah, (she finds something) Tape recorder.

Marcia: We ran the line down to our room and we turned it on when we were ready.

Mike: Very ingenious.

Bobby: That’s no fair, you tricked us.

Marcia: Well, you tricked us.

Mike: Okay, everybody’s even. jokes over.

Carol: Yeah, fun is fun. But when you carry a joke too far, someone may end up getting hurt.

Mike: I want everyone to promise me, there’s gonna be no more scaring each other, okay?

Greg (bitterly): The girls will get our allowances.

Carol: May I remind you of your famous quote? Poorer, but wiser, which is more important.

Greg: Zapped again.

(The next day, Alice gives Marcia the allowances she and the girls’ won.)

Marcia: Thanks, Alice.

Alice: I said all along, it’s a sucker’s bet.

Greg: You said they were making the sucker’s bet.

Alice: Anybody who believes in ghosts is a sucker.

Marcia: Alice, aren’t you scared of anything?

Alice: Nope.

Greg: Oh, come on, what about horror movies and vampires?

Alice: Oh, vampires give me a pain in the neck. Oh, that’s pretty good.

Marcia: What about werewolves?

Alice: All bark, no bite. Boy, Alice, when you’re hot, you’re hot.

(She walks away laughing at her jokes.)

Marcia (to Greg): I don’t believe her.

Greg: Me neither. I’ll bet if she saw something really scary, she’d break the record for the mile run. (He gets an idea) Hey.

Marcia: What?

Greg: Want to try to make her run?

Marcia: we promised Mom and Dad no more scaring.

Greg: We promised we wouldn’t scare each other, we didn’t say anything about Alice.

(They gloat at their suggestion. The next day, Alice gets a call from Sam.)

Alice (picking up the phone): Brady residence. Oh, hi Sam. Sure, I’d love to go to a movie tonight. Which one? Well, if it’s my choice, I’ll pick the drive-in movie where we both seen the movie. Okay, bye, Sam.

(She hangs up. Carol comes in with the bust covered in plastic.)

Carol: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Oh, Mrs. Brady, I didn’t hear you drive up. Let me give you a hand.

(She takes the bust and helps Carol place it on the table.)

Carol: Oh, thanks.

Alice: Oh, you finished Mr. Brady’s head.

Carol: Fresh out of the oven.

Alice: It looks more like it’s fresh out of the hospital.

Carol: Let’s take it in the living room, okay?

Alice: Mrs. Brady, if you don’t have anything for me to do tonight, I’d like to go to a movie with Sam.

Carol: Oh, sure. Mr. Brady and I are going to the sculpture exhibit. Careful now.

(They move the bust ad Greg and Peter emerge from the family room.)

Greg (laughing): Perfect. Mom and Dad will be gone all evening and Alice will be out for a couple of hours. 

Peter: That gives us plenty of time. Wait till Alice gets back. 

Greg: Let’s see how she really acts with ghosts.

(Later on, Mike and Carol are ready to leave.)

Marcia: Have a good time.

Jan: I hope you win.

Marcia: Yes, good bye.

Mike: Now listen, if you need anything, Alice is at the movies and your mother and I are at the exhibit.

Carol: Bye now, be nice to one another. Don’t fight.

Mike: And don’t tear up the house.

Greg: Right, Dad. Good-bye.

(The kids all say good-bye as the parents walk out the door.)

Greg (to Marcia and Jan): Let’s get ready for Alice.

Marcia: Boy, if Mom and Dad ever find out.

Jan: Yeah.

Greg: There’s no way. Alice’s movie is over at 9:15. Mom and Dad won’t be back till way after that.

Marcia: And Alice sure wouldn’t tell on us.

Greg: She couldn’t. When we get through with her, she’ll be speechless.

(Greg shows Bobby a skeleton head.)

Greg: How does it look?

Bobby: Real creepy.

Greg (laughing): This oughtta flip Alice out.

(Meanwhile, Marcia and Jan are working on rigging up a ghost.)

Marcia: Okay, give me the sheet.

(Marcia stuffs something inside the sheet. They put eyes and a nose on it.)

Marcia: Boy, this is gonna scare her. (They finish the eyes and nose) okay, how does that look?

Jan: it looks a little long.

Marcia: of course. You ever seen a ghost in a mini-sheet?

(Now, Peter has Cindy scream into a tape recorder. She lets out an eerie, bloodcurdling sound.)

Peter: Okay, one more time. (She lets out another scream) That’s enough.

Cindy: Boy, I scream great. I almost scared myself.

(We next see the kids in the living room. They all rigging up the entire scheme.)

Marcia: This is really gonna work out great.

(Greg calls up to Peter, whose at the top of the stairs.)

Greg: Okay, hurry up!

(Peter hammers a nail in the wall.)

Peter: Okay, it’s all tied up. Bring her up.

(The other kids push the ghost up the stairs. Jan and Marcia bring it up.)

Jan: This thing even looks spooky going up in the light.

Marcia: Wait till Alice sees it going down in the dark.

(Greg tells Marcia, Jan and Bobby what happens next.)

Greg: Okay, Alice comes in, and the room is dark. The lights won’t work, so, she heads for the fuse box like this. (He goes over to Peter and Cindy) When she gets just about here, I hit the skull light.

Peter: And I turn on the switch, and my scream goes off.

Cindy: you mean my scream.

Greg: Alice turns towards the screams like this.

Marcia: And we let the ghosts down the stairs. 

Jan: Right.

Bobby: Boy, I wish it was happening to me.

Jan: Yeah.

Greg: Okay, now, everyone in their places. We’ve spun our web, all we have to do is wait for the fly.

(Later on, Greg, Bobby and Cindy are behind a chair with the lighted skull. Peter is behind the stairs with his tape recorder with Cindy’s scream and Marcia and Jan are up the stairs with the ghost. Carol and Mike are outside, getting ready to come in the door.)

Carol: I hope the kids are still up so I can show them my ribbon.

Mike: They’re probably in bed. All the lights are out.

Carol: well, they couldn’t have been in bed long. It’s still early.

(Cindy starts to laugh when they hear the parents about to come in. Greg and Bobby cover her mouth.)

Greg: here comes Alice.

(The parents come in and the kids all do what they planned.)

Carol: Guess who’s at it again.

Greg: Oh, no. It’s Mom and Dad.

Bobby: Boy, are we in for it.

(Mike puts the bust down.)

Mike: I better go fix the lights, so we can see who to yell at.

(They walk by and all the other kids show worried looks. Alice comes in and sees the bust. She mistakens it for an intruder.)

Alice: Who’s that? Is somebody there?

(She takes a swing at the bust. it falls down and breaks, to everyone’s amazement. She turns on the lights and notices what she has done. Mike and Carol come out.)

Carol: Oh, no!

Mike: is that the bust?

Carol: Mike’s head.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, I’m sorry, it looked like a real man there in the dark.

Mike: It wasn’t your fault, Alice. (He asks bitterly) Was it, kids?

Greg: No, sir. we had it all rigged up to scare her.

Carol: Like I said, if you carry a joke too far, somebody might get hurt.

Peter: We never thought it’d be Dad’s head.

Jan: Gee, it won a prize, too.

Carol: Well, so much for third place.

Mike: All right, all right. That doe sit. Everybody upstairs, no allowance for 2 weeks, and that goes for all of you.

(The kids all go up the stairs with the parents following them.)

Bobby: there goes my model airplane.

Marcia: I guess we deserve it.

(Mike sees the ghost they use and investigates it.)

Carol (angry): That’s one of my good sheets!

(She makes an angry gesture. The next morning, she and Mike are having breakfast in the kitchen.)

Mike: that’s my jelly bread.

Alice: More coffee, anybody? (They decline) I feel so guilty about what happened last night, folks. 

Carol: Alice, don’t worry about it. You’ll both be happy to know I’m starting a new project today.

(Bobby and Cindy come out with the repaired bust.)

Bobby: We fixed it.

Cindy: We put Dad back together.

Carol: Hey. (She notices it wasn’t a perfect job) Well, thanks for trying.

Mike: It looks the way I sometimes feel when I get up in the morning.

Carol: Yes it does.

(The scene fades.)


The final scene has Mike coming home and looking for Carol.)

Mike: Hi, honey. (Carol doesn’t respond) Carol! Alice!

(He finds them in the family room.)

Carol: In here, honey.

(She’s working on another bust with Alice as the model.)

Mike (laughing): Alice, what are you supposed to be?

Alice: I am a classical Greek, Mr. Brady.

Carol: I’m starting a new project.

Mike: Yeah?

Carol: Yeah, I’m sculpting a Greek statue.

Mike: What’s it for?

Carol: It’s for the backyard. I’m gonna put a large bowl under it. Then I can use it for 1 or 2 things.

Mike: Such as?

Carol: Well, for one, a birdbath.

(Mike laughs in disbelief.)

Mike: A birdbath? What else?

Alice: Well, if I pucker up, I can be a fountain.

(She does so and Mike and Carol laugh.)


S4 E5 Cyrano de Brady

untitled peter

Cyrano de Brady

Written by Skip Webster

Peter has a crush on Jan’s new friend, Kerri. When he asks Greg to help him score with her, Kerri ends up falling for Greg. Hope you enjoy the script.












(The episode begins with Jan coming home with her friend, Kerri. They see Greg fixing a motor on one of the cars.)

Jan: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Jan: Whatcha doing?

Greg: Tightening the clamp on the waterhose.

Jan: Oh, this is my new friend, Kerri Hathaway. She just moved into the neighborhood. (to Kerri) This is my brother, Greg.

Kerri: I’m pleased to meet you.

Greg: Likewise.

Jan: Come on, let’s meet everybody else.

(They go inside and Jan introduces Kerri to Alice. Then they go into the living room, where Carol is at the table with Bobby and Cindy )

Jan: Kerri, I’d like you to meet my mother, Cindy and Bobby.

(They all say hi.)

Carol: Hi Kerri, welcome to the neighborhood.

Kerri: Thanks, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Would you girls like something to eat?

Kerri: Well, I’m not really hungry, thank you.

Jan: Me either. We’re gonna go up to my room and do some homework anyway?

(Peter comes down the stairs and notices Kerri and is immediately smitten.)

Carol: Good.

Kerri: It was nice meeting all of you.

Peter: Wow.

Kerri: See you later.

Carol: Okay, honey.

Kerri: Bye.

(They head to the stairway and see Peter.)

Jan: Oh, Peter, this is my new friend, Kerri Hathaway. (to Kerri) This is my brother, Peter.

Kerri: Hi.

Peter (in a dumbfounded: Pleased to meet me.

(He gets too nervous to speak. The girls laugh and he walks through the living room,to the amusement of Carol and the kids. The scene fades.)

untitled kerri

(The next scene takes us to that evening. Peter comes in the girls,’ room to speak to Jan.)

Peter: Jan, could I talk to you?

Jan: Sure, but make it quick. I’ve got a lot of homework.

Peter: Marcia, can we have some privacy?

Marcia (getting up): Hey, it sounds pretty confidential.

Peter: It is.

Marcia (sitting on the bad with Jan): Then I wouldn’t dream of leaving.

Jan: Come on, Peter, what is it?

Peter: Marcia, please.

Marcia: Oh, come on, Pete. I won’t blab. I promise.

Peter: Well, I guess it’s okay. (Pause) What it is,is, well, it’s sort of about Kerri Hathaway.

Marcia: Who’s Kerri Hathaway.

Jan: Well, she’s my new classmate. What about her, Peter?

Peter: Well, I was wondering if, you know,if she’d like to go to a movie, or something, with me.

Jan: How should I know, why don’t you ask her.

Peter: But what if she turns me down?

Marcia: Why would she turn you down? You’re a nice guy.

Jan: Yeah, all the girls at school think you’re cute.

Peter: They do?

Jan: Sure.

Marcia: You got a great personality and you’re lots of fun to be with.

Jan: That’s right, and you’re kind and very considerate of people.

Peter: Yeah, that’s true, too.

Jan: Go phone her. The number is in the book downstairs.

Peter: Okay, I will. (He turns around to walk out, then turns around again) This is going to be the most important phone call I ever made in my whole entire life.

(The girls laugh. Next, Kerri is at home and her phone rings.)

Kerri (answering): Hello.

Peter: Kerri.

Kerri: This is Kerri.

Peter: Hi, this is Pete.

Kerri: Pete who?

Peter: Peter Brady. You met me this afternoon. I’m Jan’s brother.

Kerri: Oh, you must be the cute little one with the freckles.

Peter: No, that’s my brother Bobby.

Kerri: Oh, then you’re the groovy looking one fixing the car.

Peter: No, that’s my brother Greg.

Kerri: Then which one are you?

Peter: I’m the one who better say goodbye.

(He hangs up and says goodbye to himself MN)

(The next day, Mike is getting ready for work and Peter comes in the room. He is sporting a jacket and tie.,)

Peter:: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hey, how come you’re so dressed up? Trying to get thrown of school?

Peter: I’m trying to sort of, you know, impress a certain girl. And I was wondering…

Mike: Yeah. Wondering what?

Peter: Dad, can I borrow some aftershave lotion?

(Mike examines Peter’s face.)

Mike: Did you shave?

Peter: Do you have to shave to use aftershave lotion?

Mike (laughing): Come to think of it, no. I got just the thing for you back here.

(He goes into the bathroom to get it.)

Peter: She’s really something special. So I thought I’d better look special, and smell special too.

Mike: Now listen, Peter. If you want to impress her, you use just a little of this.

Peter: How come just a little?

Mike: Well, like it says in the TV commercials, if you use a lot, you’re gonna have to fight off the women with a whip and a chair.

Peter: Well, since I just met her, maybe I should start slow.

(He starts putting some on.)

Mike: Hey, that’s good thinking.

Peter: Hey, this smells good. (He puts a little more on) Insurance.

(Next, Peter is at school and seem Kerri. He goes to approach her.)

Peter: Kerri, small world.

Kerri: Hi.

Peter: Don’t you recognize me? I’m Jan’s brother, Pete.

Kerri: Oh, I’m sorry. You must have been the boy who called last night.

Peter: Yeah.

Jan: I met so many new kids in school, I can’t keep them straight.

Peter: That’s okay.( She notices the cologne Mike gave him and smells it.) Oh, yeah, aftershave lotion. You like it, huh?

Kerri: Do you shave?

Peter: Oh, yeah, all the time. My Dad and I use the same brand. (He notices her books) Let me carry your books.

Kerri: That’s okay, I can…

(He accidentally drops them.)

Peter: Gee, I’m sorry. (He picks them up) Let me wipe them off.

Kerri: Don’t bother.

Peter: I insist.( He wipes them off with a tissue and goes to the fountain to clean the tissue. He gives her the books) Here,hold these.I’ll get them real clean.

(He turns on the fountain and it splashes on her. She screams as she gets wet.)

Peter: Oh, wow.

(He starts wiping her face with the tissue, not realizing it’s dirty. He gets her face all muddy.)

Kerri: Stop it! Now look what you’ve done!

(She runs away embarrassed. Peter is left to wallow in his misery.)

Peter (to himself):  Can’t I do anything right?

(Cut back to the house, where Mike comes back from work.)

Mike: Hi, honey, I’m home.

Carol: Hi!

(She runs to the kitchen to greet him. She gives him a big kiss.)

Mike: Hey, that’s some special kiss.

Carol: Yeah, glad you liked it.

Mike: Yeah, I did. Uh-oh. You got something to tell me. Don’t you.

Carol: Yeah, Guess where we’re going Friday night.

Mike: Umm. The new play, you got tickets.

Carol (excited): Yeah, I got tickets!

Mike: Hey great.

Carol: But not to the play. I have got tickets to that modern art show I mentioned.

Mike (annoyed): Oh, honey, come on, not another show where a soup can crushed wins first prize.

Carol: Oh, Mike, I had to buy the tickets, they’re for charity.

Mike (knocking on the table): Couldn’t we stay at home and crush our own soup cans.

Carol: Oh, Mike,they’ll be expecting us

(He agrees and they kiss again. Peter glumly walks by.)

Mike: Hi, Peter.

Carol: Hi, Pete.

Peter (sadly): Hi.

Mike: Hey, what’s the matter. Oh, didn’t the shaving lotion work.

Peter: It smelled okay but I sure stunk it up. I can’t even talk to her!

Mike: Yeah, well, wait a minute, don’t get uptight about it. Listen, you know that when I was your age, I had exactly the same problem with a girl.

Peter: You did?

Mike: Yes, I did. Polly Leadbetter.

Carol: Polly Leadbetter?

Mike: That was her name. And Everytime I got within 10 feet of that girl, I got a knot on my tongue I could have won a merit badge with it.

Peter: What did you do about it?

Mike: Well, I just figured if I couldn’t say what I wanted to, I could always write it, you see. So I wrote her a letter.

Peter: A letter, huh.

Mike: Uh-huh, that way, you know, you can take your time and think about what you’re gonna say.

Peter (excited): That’s a great idea. Thanks, Dad.

Mike: Sure.

(Peter happily runs upstairs and we next see him in the family room attempting to write Kerri a letter. Alice catches him throwing a bunch of crumbled papers behind him a)

Alice: What are you doing? Trying to write a letter or starting a paper drive?

Peter: It’s a tough letter to write, Alice. I don’t want it to sound corny.

Alice: Well, want to try it out on me?

Peter: Okay. (He reads) Dear Kerri.

Alice: Yeah.

Peter: That’s it. That’s where I get stuck.

Alice: Oh. Oh yeah, well, that first line is always the toughest.

Peter: I just don’t know what to say.

Alice: Well, why don’t you try something poetic. Like, how do I love these. Let me count the ways.

Peter: Great. Give it to me again, slow.

Alice: How do I love these.

(We next see Jan at school. Peter comes up to her.)

Peter: Jan

Jan: Hi.

Peter: What did she say?

Jan: Who?

Peter: Kerri Hathaway. What did she say?

Jan: About what?

Peter: About me? No

Jan: Peter, we’ve got a communication gap going. What are you talking about?

Peter: I wrote Kerri a letter and I slipped it into her locker. I want to know what she said about it.

Jan: Oh, was it a gooey love letter?

Peter: Yeah, did she mention it?

Jan: She  mentioned it. d

Peter: What did she say?

Jan: She said it was beautifully written.

Peter: Yeah.

Jan: Super poetic and fantastic.

Peter: What else did she say?

Jan: That the dumb-dumb who wrote it forgot to sign his name.

Peter (crestfallen): Oh no. How could I be so stupid?

Jan: You must practice a lot.

(She walks away. Later on, Greg is at home playing basketball. Peter tries talking him into helping him. )

Peter: It’s the perfect planning. You’re the perfect guy.

Greg: No way, Pete. No way. Where did you get this weird idea?

Peter (taking a book from his pocket): From this copy of Cyrano De Bergerac. Marcia put me on to it. It’s about this guy with a big nose,band he’s in love with this girl named Roxanne.

Greg (taking a shot): Peter, I know the story.

Peter: He’s shy, see, and he hides in the bushes and he has this other guy say the words.

Greg: I said I know the story.

Peter: All I’m asking you to do is hide in the bushes like Cyrano did, and you feed me the right words. (Greg walks away laughing) When it comes to smooth talk and girls, everybody says you’re the greatest.

(Greg takes another shot and then stops.)

Greg: Yeah, everybody says that?

Peter: Everybody. They call you old silver tongue.

Greg: They do?

Peter: Why, you’re a legend in your own time.

Greg: How about that?

Peter: I really need help from an expert like you.

Greg: Well, okay, we’ll try it. If Cyrano can do it, so can old silver tongue.

(He takes another shot. Cut to that evening, where they’re outside Kerri’s house. Greg goes behind the bushes.)

Peter: You’re sure I look okay?

Greg: Peter, you look fine.

Peter: What about my hair?

Does my hair look okay?

Greg: After 20 minutes with Mom’s hair dryer, you couldn’t look any better.

Peter: You’re sure you thought up some real poetic stuff.

Greg: My stuff is even better than Cyrano’s. Remember your first line?

Peter: Yeah. Well, here goes.

(Greg pats his back for good luck and Peter lightly throws three rocks at Kerri’s window until she appears.)

Peter: Hello, lovely one.

Kerri: Peter, is that you?

Peter: Yeah, can I talk to you? It’s important.

Kerri: I guess so. Come around to the front.

Peter: No, wait. I uh…

Greg: I want to see you here, where your lovely hair outshines the moonbeams.

Peter (repeating): I want to see you here, where your lovely hair outshines the moonbeams.

Kerri: Peter, are you feeling all right?

Greg: How can I feel otherwise, when I’m so close to your beauty.

Peter: How can I feel otherwise, when I’m so close to your beauty.

Kerri: I’ve never seen you act like this before.

Greg: I’m not acting, it’s true love, from the first time I saw you.

Peter: I’m not acting, it’s true love, from the first time I saw you.

Kerri: Peter, why are you standing all the way over there?

(Peter mumbles to Greg why.)

Greg: Distance lense enchantment.

Peter: Distance lense enchantment.

Kerri: What in the world is going on out there?

Greg: Just take what I have to offer, the rainbows, the sunlight, my life, the world.

Peter: Take my rainbows and sunlife.

Greg: That’s not what I said. (Peter still gets it wrong) For crying out loud, will you listen?

(Kerri leaves.)

Peter (dismayed): She’s gone! I blew it again!

(Kerri comes outside.)

Kerri: Peter, what’s going on out here?

Peter: Hello, lovely one.

(She notices Greg in the bushes.)

Kerri: Greg! What are you doing here?

Peter: Uh. I can explain.

Greg: Yeah, he can explain.

Kerri: No, you didn’t have to explain, I understand everything now. (She hugs Greg) It’s just like Cyrano. Don’t be shy, Greg. You don’t need Peter to speak for you.

(She hugs him again and Peter leaves, Greg tries to get him to come back. The scene fades.)

untitled another kerri

(The next scene has Mike and Carol in the family room, waiting for Peter and Greg to return home.)

Carol: Honey.

Mike: Hmmm.

Carol: I forgot to show you this.

Mike: Yeah, what is it?

Carol: It’s the brochure for the art show Friday night. I thought you’d like to see some of the paintings that are gonna be exhibited.

(Mike looks at it and then turns it over.)

Mike: You sure those are paintings? They look more like a tablecloth after a spaghetti festival.

Peter ( coming in ): Boy, do I have a rat for a brother.

Mike: Wait a minute. What’s the matter with you?

Peter: Greg just hijacked my girl.

Mike: Huh?

Carol: What do you mean?

Peter: He was supposed to help me impress Kerri, not himself. She’s flipped over him

Carol: Where’s Greg?

Peter: With Kerri. She was hanging all over him.

Mike: What did you do about it?

Peter: I left. What should I do? Take pictures?

(Greg comes in.):

Greg (annoyed): Thanks for splitting and leaving me stuck with your girl.

Peter (sarcastically): Oh, you really looked like you were in pain. Thanks for stealing Kerri.

Greg: I didn’t steal her.

Peter: Oh, then you just borrowed her without permission.

Mike: Hold it, you two. Now wait a minute. Greg, what happened?

Greg: Dad, the whole thing was a big mistake. I tried to straighten it out but Kerri wouldn’t listen to a word I said.

Peter: I bet you did.

Greg (fuming): Look, pal, I can’t help it if… Oh, forget about it, Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.

Carol: Good night, Greg.

Mike: Good night.

(Greg leaves to go upstairs.)

Mike: Peter, wait a minute. You know, a guy can’t always get a girl to like him. Maybe you ought to forget about this girl, for now.

Carol: Honey, there are a lot other fish in the sea.

Peter: I know, but I got Moby Dick for a brother. Good night, Mom, good night, Dad.

(Cut to the next day, when Carol and Alice are in the kitchen. Alice is looking inside the cupboard.)

Alice: And I say we need two pounds of rice.

Carol (writing): Two pounds of rice. Is that it, Alice?

Alice: And definitely some cake mix. I thought I’d make Peter a nice, gooey cake to glue back together his poor broken heart.

Carol: Alice, you’re the Dear Abby of the kitchen.

(Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Hi, Mom. Hi, Alice.

Carol: Hi, sweetheart.( She kisses her)

Carol: How was school today?

Cindy: It was better in the afternoon than it was in the morning.

Carol: Yeah, why’s that?

Cindy: I got out in the afternoon.

(Greg comes in the kitchen )

Greg: Has anyone seen my blue sweater?

Carol: Not since I washed it.

Cindy: I know where it is.

Greg: Where?

Cindy: Jan lent it to Kerri Hathaway?

Greg: Kerri, what for?

Cindy:  Measurement. Kerri’s knitting you a new one. It’s supposed to be a surprise.

Carol: Not anymore.

Alice: Say, I almost forgot. Kerri came by and left this for you. Homemade fudge.

Greg: Oh, this is really getting to bug me. (He takes a bite of the fudge) I got to do something about that girl?

(He leaves.)

Cindy (calling): If you don’t like her anymore, can I have the fudge?

(Meanwhile, Peter is upstairs in the room with Bobby. He shoes him a new toy car he just put together.)

Bobby: Neat, huh?

Peter: You’re lucky you’re young, Bobby.

(Bobby examines it further before testing it )

Bobby: I think it just needs new brushes.

Peter: Stay away from women, kid. They’ll break your heart every time.

Bobby: What are you talking about?

Peter: You’re too young to understand.

(Greg comes in the room.)

Greg: Peter, Pete. Pete, I got a great idea for you.

Peter: If it’s about joining the foreign legion, I already thought about it.)

Greg: How would you like to get Kerri back. Now, listen, I…

Peter (interrupting): I don’t trust you! You stole my girl!

Greg: I didn’t steal your girl!

Peter: You did.

Bobby: If you guys are starting that again, I’m getting out of here.

(He gets up and leaves.Greg sits down. )

Greg: Pete, listen, listen, you gotta trust me. Please.

Peter: Well, okay, but not around Kerri.

Greg: I won’t go near her. Jan.

Peter: Jan?

Greg: Jan’s gonna tell Kerri that nobody trusts me. That I’m a no good double crossing two timing rat.

Peter: Oh, you mean she’s gonna tell her the truth.

Greg: Yeah (thinking again) No. What I mean is, after Kerri’s convinced that I’m a rat fink, Jan will tell her what a great guy you are.

Peter: She will?

Greg: Sure, and Kerri will turn off of me and turn on to you.

Peter: Hey, yeah, that’s a great idea. You’re a pretty nice brother, for a no good double crossing two timing rat.

(The next day, Greg is playing basketball and Jan comes home.)

Greg: Well, when does Pete take over?

Jan: How does never sound?

Greg: Never, what went wrong?

Jan: Kerri’s gonna save you from your horrible self. She’s gonna change you.

Greg (sarcastically): Terrific. Did you tell her everything?

Jan: Everything. I don’t understand it. Unless she didn’t believe me.

Greg: Hey wait, maybe that’s the trouble. Maybe she didn’t believe you. Maybe she has to be shown that I’m a rat fink.

Jan: But how are you gonna show her?

Greg: That’s a good question. (He gets an idea) Maybe I got a good answer. Mom and Dad are going to the art show, right.

Jan: So?

Greg: Could you get Peter out of the house?

Jan: I guess so. What are you gonna do?

Greg: I’ll explain later. Now for the other woman.

Jan: What other woman?

Greg: Has Kerri ever met Marcia?

Jan: No. What other woman?

Greg: Great. I’ll invite Kerri over tonight.

(He goes inside.)

Jan (calling): What other woman.

(Greg is upstairs with Marcia and he takes out a wig from the closet.)

Greg: When you put on this wig and some dark glasses, Kerri will never know who you y.

Marcia: I’m not sure Kerri ever saw me.

Greg: Well we can’t take any chances. It’s too important to Peter

Marcia: Right. Okay, exit Marcia Brady, enter the other woman.

(That evening, Greg goes down the stairs. He turns the light out in the hallway between the stairs and the den. He turns on the lights in the living room, then the television, which is playing romantic music. The doorbell rings and he goes to answer it. Kerri is outside the door.)

Greg (letting her in): Hi, doll

Kerri: Hi. Thanks for inviting me over.

Greg: Well, I believe in spreading myself around.

Kerri: Super outfit.

Greg: These are my working threads. Know what I mean?

Kerri: Where’s everybody else?

Greg: Out. We’re all alone, kid.

(He leads her to the living room and they sit on the couch.)

Greg: Now, I’d like to get a few things straight. The way I see it you’re crazy about me and you want to go steady, right?

Kerri: Well.

Greg: Well, I got a couple of rules you got to dig

Kerri: Rules?

Greg: Rule 1, you go out only with me.

Kerri: Oh, I like that.

Greg: Rule 2, I go out with whoever I want.

Kerri: That don’t sound fair.

Greg: What do you want? Fair or me?

Kerri: Well.

(Greg turns the light out.)

Greg: Now, let me tell you about rule 3.

(He starts trying to make out with her.)

Kerri: Could we go back to rule2?

(The doorbell rings.)

Greg: Don’t move. I’ll be right back.

(He gets up to answer the door. It’s Marcia, posing as Greg’s alleged old girlfriend, Debbie. Alice is up and witnesses the charade.)

Greg: Debbie, not you again.

Marcia: Greg, I have to talk to you.

(She comes in the living room and sees Kerri.)

Marcia: Oh, I might have known I’d find another women here.

Greg: You caught me at a bad time. I usually have 3 or 4.

Marcia: Greg, you gotta take me back. Give me one more chance. I’ll do anything you say.

Greg: No way. Debbie, you bore me.

Marcia: I’ll change. I promise.

Kerri: Greg, maybe I should go.

Grteg: Nah, stick around, kid. Watch me throw her out. (to Marcia) come on, loser.

Marcia: Greg, if you drop me, I don’t know what I’ll do.

Greg: I said out.

(Mike and Carol come home from the back, Alice shows them what the kids are doing.)

Mike: what is it, Alice?

Alice: I’m not sure, but I think they’re rehearsing a teenage soap opera.

Kerri: Greg, how could you treat her like this?

Greg: Out with the old, in with the new.

Kerri: But this girl loves you.

Marcia: Oh yes, I do, I do, I do.

Greg: Listen, if you don’t like it, you can leave too.

Kerri (angry): Greg Brady! You’re even worse than Jan said. (Greg smirks) I never want to see you again.

(Cut back to the kitchen, where the adults are still witnessing the episode.)

Mike: You were right, Alice. This is a soap opera.

Kerri: Come on, Debbie.

(Greg opens the door for them to leave. Peter comes in.)

Peter: Hi.

Greg:  Peter, you’re suppoased to be at the library.

Peter: I was. Marcia, what are you doing in that wig?

Marcia: I’m not Marcia, i’m…

Greg: She’s Debbie.

Marcia: She’s Debbie, I’m Debbie.

Kerri: Something funny’s going on.

Peter: You mean something phony. That’s my sister in a wig.

(He pulls it off Marcia’s head.)

Kerri (surprised): Your sister?

Peter: What’s this all about?

Greg: We were trying to convince Kerri that I was a rat fink.

Peter: that’s really dirty. playing a trick like that when she really cares about you.

Marcia: We’re sorry, Kerri.

Peter: If a girl as wonderful as Kerri was my girl, you know how I’d treat her? I’d…

Kerri: You’d what, Peter?

Peter: I’d treat her like a (Pause) queen.

Kerri: Peter, could I ask a favor/

Peter (sheepishly): Anything.

Kerri: Would you walk me home?

Peter: Wow, would I.

(They leave and Greg shuts the door behind them. He and Marcia sigh relief.)

Marcia: For a minute there, I thought we blew it.

(Mike and Carol meet them in the living room.)

Greg: Mom, Dad, I guess we should explain.

Mike: Well, I think we understand. Good night, kids.

Greg: Good night.

Carol: Good night, Greg. Good night, Debbie.

(She takes the wig and the scene fades.)

untitled debbie

(The final scene has Cindy talking to Carol, with Bobby hiding under the table, telling her what to say.)

Cindy: I really didn’t have any dessert last night, so I think I better have two.

Carol: Two donuts?

Bobby: They give you lots of energy, Mom.

Cindy: They give you lots of energy, Mom.

Bobby: And with lots of energy, you do more homework.

Cindy: And with lots of energy, you do more homework.

Bobby: When you do more homework, you can get better grades in school.

Cindy: When you do more homework, you can get better grades in school.

Carol: Well, that’s a pretty convincing argument. Okay, here are tow donuts. One for you, and one for your Cyrano.

(Bobby comes up from under.)

Bobby: Well, I figured, maybe if it can work for girls, it can work for donuts too. Want a bite?

untitled lucky you're young


S4 E4 Today I Am A Freshman

images sick

Today I Am A Freshman

Written by William Raynor and Myles Wilder

Marcia starts high school but tries too hard to become popular. Hope you enjoy the script.












TOM, Greg’s friend

 KIM, head of Booster’s club

(The episode begins with the boys sleeping and then the alarm clock goes off. Greg turns it off and wakes up the other guys.)

Greg: Okay, you guys, up and atom. (They take their time getting up) Come on, it’s the first day of school.

Bobby: Yeah, we’re gonna be locked up for the rest of the year.

(Peter gives him a sneering look.)

Greg: Ah, look on the brightside, only 111 more days till Christmas vacation.

(Someone throws a pillow at him. We next see Jan brushing her teeth and Cindy waiting her turn.)

Jan: I’ll be finished in a minute, Cindy.

Cindy: Don’t rush.

Jan: You don’t want to be late on the first day of school, do you?

Cindy: Speak for yourself.

(She yawns and we next see Carol and Alice in the kitchen with Bobby and Cindy coming down to collect their lunch and leave for school.)

Bobby: Bye, Mom. Bye, Alice.

Carol: Bye, kids. Well, Alice, the old production line hasn’t lost its zip.

Alice: Well, one more to go and we’re zipped up.

(Carol notices one lunch bag left over.)

Carol: I better go see what’s keeping Marcia.

(She goes up to the girls’ room to see Marcia, who is still in bed.)

Marcia: I just don’t feel too well, Mom.

Carol (feeling her forehead): Well, you don’t seem to have a fever. Does it hurt anyplace?

Marcia: Kind of all over, and I’ve got a funny feeling in my stomach.

Carol: What a shame. Your first day of high school too. I think I better call the doctor.

Marcia (suddenly afraid): I’ll be all right. I’ll feel better tomorrow, I’m sure.

Carol: I’m not taking any chances.

Marcia: Please, Mom. I don’t need a doctor.

Carol: Marcia, I know how much you’re looking forward to high school, but if you’re sick, you need a doctor. Now just relax, I’ll be back in a minute.

(Marcia sits up on her bed and looks in her mirror.)

Marcia: Now how am I gonna convince the doctor that I’m sick.

(The scene fades.)

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(The next scene has Carol and Alice down in the kitchen awaiting results.)

Carol: The doctor should be down any minute, Alice.

Alice: Oh, I’m sure it’s nothing at all, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: I wonder if Marcia could’ve eaten something that didn’t agree with her. No offense, Alice.

Alice: No offense. Besides, she ate exactly the same as we all did last night. Except she skipped dessert. If anyone should have an upset stomach, it should be Bobby. He not only ate his dessert but he ate hers as well. Come to think of it, he also ate mine.

(Dr. Howard comes down the stairs.)

Dr. Howard: Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Yes, doctor. How is she?

Dr. Howard: Mrs. Brady, there’s not a thing wrong with Marcia. Physically,. that is.

Carol: What about her upset stomach?

Dr. Howard: I say they’re nerves. She seems worried and upset about something. Did anything unusual happen lately?

Carol; No, not that I can think of. (Pause) Doctor, can the first day in a new school cause this kind of reaction?

Dr. Howard: Oh, indeed it could. This time of year, we have quite an epidemic of new school itis.

Carol: Then that must be what it is?

Dr. Howard: Well, there’s no doubt about it, then, there’s your problem.

Alice: Well, at least that gets my pot roast off the hook.

(They all laugh.)

Dr. Howard: I’m sure you know the prescription for new school itis, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Yes, I think I do, doctor. First thing in the morning, have Marcia take a good, vigorous walk straight to her first class.

(We next see Marcia in her room, having a talk with Carol and Mike.)


Marcia: Tomorrow? I don’t think I can. It’s not just my stomach, my throat feels kinda scratchy.

Mike: Marcia, the doctor said there’s no reason why you can’t go to school tomorrow.

Carol: Honey, there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Marcia: Afraid? Who’s afraid? (They look at her) I am.

Mike: Why?

Carol: What is it, honey?

Marcia (getting up): It’s this.

(She shows them her trophies.)

Mike: What? Your awards from junior high?

Marcia: Marcia Brady, debating team, editor of the Fillmore flyer, senior class president.

Carol: Well, honey, that just proves that you were a very popular girl.

Marcia: Were is right. All my best years are behind me.

Mike (laughing): Oh, come on, Marcia. You’re gonna go to high school, not the home for the ages.

Marcia: Besides, all my friends are going to Tower High and I have to go to Westdale. It’s because of this dumb street we live on.

Mike: That’s it. That’s what I thought.

Carol: Oh, honey, you’ll make friends in no time.

Marcia: I’ll be nobody. Marcia Brady, Miss Anonymous.

Mike: Marcia, there’s an old saying. You can’t take a step forward with both feet still on the ground.

Carol: And it’ll be a lot easier to take that first step than you think.

Marcia: I’ll try, but I’ll bet my foot lands right in my mouth.

(Peter is outside putting something on the patio. He is pre preparing to build a volcano. Greg comes by.)

Peter’ Hi.

Greg: Hi. No

Peter: Come over here. Guess what I’m doing.

Greg (looking over his equipment): You’re Dr. Frankenstein, and you’re building a monster.

Peter: No, I joined the science club at school, and I’m building a volcano. And when I’m finished, I can make it erupt.  And when it erupts, smoke is gonna come out, and real mountain lava is gonna ooze out all over the place.

Greg: Good luck. (He starts to go inside) A word of advice, any of that gets on the patio, Alice will kill you.

(Jan comes by.)

Peter: Hi.

Jan: Hi.

Peter: Guess what I’m doing.

Peter: You’re building a chicken coop?

Peter: No. I’m building a volcano, and when it’s finished, I can make it erupt. And smoke’s gonna come out, and lava’s gonna ooze all over the place.

Jan: You get any of that on the patio, Alice will kill you.

(Bobby and Cindy come by.)

Peter: Hi.

Cindy: Hey, what are you doing?

Peter: Ah, you wouldn’t be interested.

Bobby’ How do you know?

Peter: Because nobody else around here is.

Cindy: Maybe we are.

Cindy: Yeah.

Peter: I joined the science club at school, and I’m building a volcano. And when I’m finished, I can make it erupt. And when it erupts, smoke will come out. And lava is gonna ooze out all over the place.

Bobby: Boy, that sounds real neat.

Peter (disbelieving): It does?

Cindy: Yeah, can we help you?

Peter: Sure? (They get very excited) But I gotta warn you, if you get any of that on the patio, Alice will kill you.

(That evening, Mike has a talk with Greg. He comes into Mike’s den.)

Greg: Dad.

Mike: Yeah.

Greg: Mom said you wanted to talk to me.

Mike: Oh, yeah, Greg. Listen, I want to talk to you about Marcia.

Greg: She’s not real sick, is she?

Mike: No, no, she’s not sick at all. She’s just so uptight about high school, she’s come down with some imaginary symptoms.

Greg: What’s she uptight about? She was a big wheel in junior high.

Mike: Well, you see, that’s the problem. She’s afraid she’ll develop a flat tire.

(They laugh.)

Greg: But she shouldn’t have any problems, she’s a cool chick.

Mike: Well, I agree. But she is worried.

Greg: You know something, Dad. Now that I think about it, I was a little uptight when I started there,too. All my friends went to a different school.

Mike: Well, that’s the same with her so you should know how she feels.

Greg: Exactly. I had butterflies in my stomach I thought were woodpeckers.

(They laugh.)

Mike: Greg, you know, I think you could help her if you introduce her around a little bit, sort of, break the ice for her. Because once she gets started, she’ll be all right.

Greg: Okay, Dad.

Mike: Good man.

Greg: In fact, football practice starts tomorrow. That’ll be a good chance to introduce her to some of the guys.

Mike: Hey, now that’s a good idea.

(Cut to the next morning, when Greg and Marcia are at the breakfast table, with Marcia still eating.)

Greg: Marcia, could you hurry it up? I’d like to meet some of the guys before first period.

Marcia: Do you mind if I finish my breakfast?

Greg: Not it doesn’t turn into your lunch.

Carol: Marcia, you had better drink up, it’s getting late.

Greg: Yeah, come on, let’s make tracks.

Marcia: Oh, wait a minute, I forgot something. I’ll be down in a minute.

(She gets up and goes upstairs.)

Greg (upset): Mom.

Carol: Okay.

Greg: She’s just stalling.

Carol: All right, honey, be patient with her. She’ll make it.

Greg: Okay, but if you want me to introduce her around, I better do it before I graduate next year.

Carol (teasing): Oh, it’s not that bad.

(Marcia is upstairs looking in the mirror, trying to make herself look more mature.)

Marcia (to herself): No, that’s definitely junior high. (She tries wearing her hair back) That’s not be very sophisticated either. You look like an immature child.)

Greg (calling): Marcia, how about it?

Marcia (calling back): Just a minute! (to herself) Well, if you can’t look sophisticated, maybe you can act sophisticated.

Greg (calling again): Marcia!

Marcia: I’m coming. I’m coming Gregory.

(The next scene shows their school. Greg and Marcia are outside walking around.)

Greg: Well, how do you like Westdale High?

Marcia: It’s not much bigger than junior high. (the hell rings) Is that the bell for first period?

Greg: Relax, it’s just the warning bell.

(Two of his friends walk by.)

Tom: Hi, Greg.

Greg: Hi. Oh, hey guys, could you come here for a minute? (They come over) Listen, I’d like you to meet my sister, Marcia. (to Marcia) This is Tom Peterson and Dick Corcier.

(They say hi.)

Marcia: I’m delighted to meet you boys.

Greg: Marcia’s just starting here this term.

Marcia: It’s so beneficial to be away from those children in junior high, and to be with people of my own mature growth.

Tom: Yeah. We hope you like it here at Westdale.

Marcia: I’m positive that will be the case. I’m looking forward to the intellectual stimulation. Well, see you boys, bye.

(She walks away and Greg looks embarrassed.)

Tom: What’s with your sister?

Greg: I’m not sure that was my sister.

(Later that day, Mike comes home from work while Peter is working on his volcano.)

Peter: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hi, Pete. Hey, how’s your volcano coming?

Peter: Great. Right now, it’s in what us scientists call the counterous stage.

Mike: Counterous stage? It looks more like its in chicken wire period to me.

(Marcia unhappily walks by.)

Mike: Hi, honey, how did school go?

(She walks by without answering.)

Peter: Gee, what’s with her?

Mike: I don’t know.

Peter: When I’m finished, I’m gonna make it erupt.

Mike: Later, Peter, I think we have another eruption around here.

(He goes to follow Marcia, while Peter repeats his claim of lava and smoke oozing out. Mike catches up with Marcia, who is about to to up the stairs.)

Mike: Marcia. I want to talk to you. What happened at school today?

Marcia: Nothing Dad. Zero. It started out terrible and got worse.

(She goes upstairs and Greg comes in through the front door.)

Mike: Greg.

Greg (angry): What?

Mike: What happened to Marcia in school today?

Greg: She acted like a jerk, that’s what happened. She made a jerk out of me.

(He repeats her quote about being away from junior high.)

Mike: Wait a minute, I don’t understand.

(Greg then repeats what she said about the intellectual stimulation, and then fumes.)

Greg: I wish you hadn’t asked me to introduce her around.

(Marcia overhears this.)

Marcia: So that’s why you did it! Even my own father knew I wouldn’t be popular! I hate high school! I hate it! I hate it!

(She runs into her room as the scene fades.)

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(In the next scene, Marcia is in the bathroom. Mike and Carol knock.)

Mike: Marcia.

Carol: Can we come in for a minute?

Marcia: The door’s open.

(They come inside.)

Mike: Honey, I’m sorry, I was only trying to be helpful when I asked Greg to introduce you to the kids at school.

Carol: You yourself said you didn’t know anybody.

Mike: It never entered our minds that you wouldn’t find friends or wouldn’t be popular.

Marcia (tearfully): I guess I’m uptight about it. I’m sorry. I just thought everybody thought I’d be a washout.

Carol: No way. Not if you just be yourself.

Marcia: I was trying to be mature and sophisticated. Oh, boy, You know what I actually said to Greg’s friends? (Carol shakes her head no) I’m looking forward to the intellectual stimulation. When I think about it, I get sick.

Mike: Well, honey, try not to think about it.

Carol: Oh, Marcia, you’ll have lots of friends in school before you know it.

Mike: Sure, especially if you get involved in school activities.

Carol: Yeah, join a club. You know, something that you’re really interested in.

Marcia: That’s a good idea.

Carol: You really said I’m looking forward to the intellectual stimulation?

(Marcia nodded and then they all laughed about it.)

(Later on, Peter is still working on his volcano with Bobby and Cindy assisting.)

Peter: More mud.

Bobby: More mud.

Cindy: Mud coming up.

(They provide more mud with their grossly dirty hands and they also got it on their clothes.

Peter: That may be a little too much. Come on, I want it.

Cindy: Boy, science is great.

Bobby: Yeah.

(Greg comes by.)

Greg- Pete, how are you gonna get your volcano to work?

Peter: I got it all figured out.

Greg: How?

Peter: I got it all figured out!

Greg: How?

Peter: I told you I got it all figured out!

Greg (teasing): I see, you don’t have it all figured out.

Bobby: Sure he’s got it all figured out.

Greg: How do you know?

Bobby: He told me.

Peter: Yeah, you just wait and see. Little puffs of smoke are gonna come out, and lava’s gonna ooze out and run down by the sides. It’s gonna be sensational.

Greg: Let me know when you get it all figured out.

(He walks away and Alice comes by.)

Peter: More mud.

Bobby: More mud.

Cindy: Mud coming up.

Alice: Are you covering the volcano with mud or is the volcano covering you?

Bobby: We’ve been working hard, Alice.

Alice: Well, it’s about 2 hours till dinner but if you start cleaning up right now, you might possibly make it by dessert. Inside. Go.

(They start to go inside to clean themselves.)

Alice (to herself): If they get any more dirt on the patio, I’m gonna kill ’em.

(Meanwhile, Greg is repairing something on the swing set and Marcia comes out.)

Marcia: Greg.

Greg’ Yeah.

Marcia: Can I talk to you for a minute?

Greg: What about?

(She sits down on a swing.)

Marcia: I just wanted to say I was sorry if I made you feel embarrassed. I know you were only trying to help.

Greg: That’s okay, but from now on, be yourself, okay.

Marcia: I really acted like a jerk in front of your friends.

Greg: Yeah, you did. But don’t worry about it. Sometimes they act kind of jerky too.

Marcia: I guess I’ll feel more at home after I get to know some of the kids.

Greg: Sure.

Marcia: And you know what, I may get involved in some of the school activities. Maybe join a club.

Greg: There’s plenty of them. Just look at that bulletin board. First week of school, all the clubs have their notices up.

(Next, we see the bulletin board at the school with somebody signing up for one. Marcia and another girl notice them.)

Marcia: Ceramics, that one sounds like fun.

Kim: Well, hardly anyone joins that one. Scuba’s one of the most popular ones. Karate’s very popular, too. Well, see ya.

Marcia: Bye.

(She walks away and Marcia signs up for a bunch of clubs. We next see her coming out of the bathroom and she startled Alice, who is making a bed in Marcia’s room.)

Marcia: Hi.

Alice: Hi. Listen, when are you kids gonna start talking over… (She turns around and screams, then falls. Marcia laughs.)

Marcia: It’s me, Alice.

Alice (laughing): For a minute, I thought it was the creature from the black lagoon.

(Marcia laughs some more.)

Marcia: They loaned me the outfit from the scuba club . I’m just seeing if it fits.

(Jan comes in.)

Jan (laughing): My sister, the frog lady.

Marcia: It’s hard to walk in these.

Jan: You’re not supposed to walk in them, you’re supposed to swim in them.

Alice: Well, that’s gonna be hard to do in the bedroom.

Jan: What did you join the scuba club for?

Marcia: I hate the idea of going under water, but scuba is one of the most popular clubs in school.

Alice: Maybe so, but they wouldn’t get me in one of those suits, even if they promised me mouth to mouth resussitation with Cary Grant.

( In the next scene, Mike comes home from work and notices a dart board. Then his briefcase gets hit with a dart. Marcia runs up.)

Marcia: Sorry.

Mike: Don’t tell me, it’s the William Tell club. Right?

Marcia: How did you guess?

Mike: I just took a shot in the dark.

( Next, we see Marcia practicing some karate moves. Carol watches as she’s knitting.)

Carol: Watch it. Woo, it must be very noisy with that whole club ha-ing at the same time.

Marcia: I feel pretty silly doing it too.

Carol: Well, as long as you enjoy it.

Marcia: I’m not sure I do, but it’s a very popular club.

(She continues making karate moves and the sound. Greg comes in and laughs.)

Greg: Well, get a load of you.

Marcia: What’s so funny?

Greg: I guess you just don’t make the karate scene.

(He starts making fun of her moves by poorly imitating them)

Marcia: Thanks a lot, Greg.

(She shakes his hand and then gives him a kick and then knocks him down. They are all surprised at how well she did.)

Marcia: It really worked.

(They all laugh. Later on. Mike and Carol head into the family room.)

Mike (looking in the paper): There’s a great special on TV tonight.

Carol: Yeah, I read about it. I wonder what channel it’s on.

(They notice Marcia hanging upside down in the family room )

Marcia: Hi.

Carol: Honey, what in the world are you doing?

Marcia: I’m practicing for the yoga club.

Carol: Don’t overdo it.

Marcia: Hey, can I have a meeting here tomorrow?

Mike: We’ll see the whole club standing on its head.

Marcia: It’s not a meeting of the yoga club. It’s just the judging committee of the Westdale boosters. They’re really something special.

Carol: Another club, Marcia?

Marcia: The boosters are the most popular club, and they only take in 3 freshmen a year and I’ll know tomorrow if they accept me.

Carol: Honey, aren’t you spreading yourself a little thin?

Mike: Scuba, archery, ceramics, yoga, karate and now the Westdale Buster’s?

Marcia: The boosters.

Mike: The boosters?

Marcia: You left out stamp collecting and drama.

(She gets up.)

Mike: You look a little shorter.

Marcia: I’m only doing what you said. Getting involved with the kids at school.

Mike: Yeah, we did say that.

Marcia: Well, thanks about the club meeting tomorrow.

(She leaves.)

Carol: The only thing left is the boys swimming team.

Mike: Huh, don’t give her any ideas.

(Next, Peter is working on his volcano more with Bobby, Cindy and Jan helping.)

Peter: Okay, stand back you guys and see what I’m doing. (They stand back)

Okay, when I connect these two little wires…

Bobby: Little puffs of smoke will come out.

Cindy: And lava will ooze out

Jan: All over the side of the volcano.

Cindy: You told us 100 times.

Bobby: Now do it with the volcano and not your mouth.

Peter: Okay, and now you’re ready.

Cindy: Yes, we’re ready.

Peter: Okay 1,2, you’re sure you’re ready.

(They all say they’re ready)

Bobby: Come on, let’s go.

Peter: Okay, 3.

(He uses the battery to make it erupt. The other kids look on with eagerness but nothing happens, to Peter’s surprise.)

Bobby (sarcastically): Great volcano, Peter.

Jan: Great.

Cindy: Wonderful.

Bobby: See you later.

Jan: See you later.

Peter: Hey maybe there’s just something wrong with the batteries. Wait till I get new batteries, it’ll work like crazy.

(The next day, Marcia invites the boosters club over for the meeting. They are all in the family room and Marcia leads them outside.)

Marcia: Oh, I thought it be nice to have the meeting out on the patio.

(They all come outside and Kim, the head booster, notices the volcano.)

Kim: What’s that?

Marcia: My brother’s volcano.

Kim: Couldn’t we get rid of it for the meeting? It looks so… dirty.

Marcia: Well, he’s kinda still working on it, and I’d hate to have him move it.

Kim: Well, I guess it’s all right. Gather around, boosters.

Marcia: Yeah, everyone take a seat.

(They all sit and the meeting begins.)

Kim: Marcia, we discussed your application, voted on it, and, I’m happy to say, decided to accept you as a member of the boosters.

(The rest applaud.)

Marcia: Wow, I don’t know what to say, except, that I’m honored.

Kim: You should be. We’re a very special group, and we only associate with certain kinds of kids.

Marcia: Certain kinds of kids?

Kim: You know, kids that are our equals. We can only date boys who are lettermen on teams, or in the top 10 in their class. And then when you….

(Peter comes by with new batteries to test his volcano with.)

Marcia: Peter, we’re having a meeting.

Peter: That’s okay. I just want to see if this new battery works.

Kim: As I was saying, we have a certain image to present. So, you’ll have to check with us on what you wear.

Marcia: What I wear?

Peter: Hey, everybody, come over here and watch this.

(Surprisingly, the girls go over to Peter and his volcano.)

Peter: Okay, here she goes. (He uses the new batteries and as he previously predicted, smoke came out) It works, it works! And now, watch the lava ooze out!

Kim: Do we have to be interrupted by that childish toy?

(The lava oozes out and splashes all over Marcia and the girls.)

Kim (disgusted): You stupid kid!

(Marcia laughs.)

Marcia: If you want to see something stupid, you should see your face.

(Carol and Alice come out.)

Carol: What in the world happened?

Peter: My volcano worked!

(Alice makes a scientific remark and Marcia continues to laugh.)

Peter: I guess I need a smaller battery.

Alice: I’ll get some towels, Mrs. Brady.

(She and Peter leave as Marcia continues her laughter, much to the chagrin of the other girls.)

Kim: If you think this is funny, I’m not too sure you’re the type for the boosters.

Marcia: I’m sure I’m not the type because I do think this is funny.

Kim: Come on, boosters, let’s go.

Carol (coming on): Oh girls, we’re getting you some towels.

Kim: No thank you, Mrs. Brady.

(They all leave.)

Marcia: You know, Mom, you and Dad were right about me overdoing it. I was trying anything and everything just to be popular.

Carol: Well dear, you were trying for instant popularity. Like we said, just be yourself and you’ll be popular. Dirty, but popular.

Marcia: I’m giving up all my clubs except for the one I really like.

Carol: Ceramics? (Marcia nods) Hmm, they use clay, don’t they?

(She and Marcia go inside for Marcia to get cleaned upas the scene fades.)

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(The final scene has Alice coming outside. She decides to try out Peter’s volcano. It erupts all over her)

Alice: Peter was right, it really does work.

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