S5 E6 Getting Greg’s Goat

Getting Greg’s Goat

Written by Tam Spiva

Greg steals a goat from a rival school and hides it in his room. I hope you enjoy the script.











MR. BINCKLEY, Greg’s vice principal

MRS. GOULD, Carol’s friend and PTA member

SELMA, another PTA member

(The episode begins with Greg coming home one night. He turns on the light, then goes back to the door.)

Greg: Come on, Raquel. Everyone’s asleep. There’s nothing to worry about.

(Inside comes a goat. It is wearing a banner that says Coolidge High School. Greg sneaks it up the stairs and to his room.)

Greg: We made it. (The goat makes a bleat) Shh, anyone finds you up here, I’m in big, big trouble.

(He pets the goat and the scene fades.)

(The next morning, Greg wakes up and sees the goat eating his homework.)

Greg: Not my American history report. (He takes it and picks it up) You’ve eaten the Boston Tea Party. Not my tennis shoe. What are you planning for dessert? My mattress? (The goat makes another bleat) I better get downstairs and get you some people food before you eat me out of this room. Keep it cool, huh.

(Downstairs, Alice is in the kitchen making pancakes. She flips one on a plate.)

Alice: Good catch, Alice. Two more like that and you can retire the side.

Carol: Oh, Alice, those smell delicious.

Alice: Well, it’s your flapjack recipe.

Carol: Yes, but you do the flapping. (Greg comes down) Hey, I didn’t feel any shaking.

Greg: What shaking?

Carol: Huh, it would take an earthquake to get you up this early on Saturday.

Greg: Oh yeah, well, you know with the game and all tonight, I really couldn’t sleep. I’m so hungry, I could eat an elephant.

Alice: With the price of meat, we all might have to.

(He takes a whole bunch of food and puts it on a tray to bring upstairs.)

Greg: You know, I think I’ll just take this up to my room. Study some plays for the game.

Carol: Are you planning to eat all that or are you gonna open your own restaurant.

Greg: Don’t worry, Mom, not an ounce of it will go to waste.

Mike (coming in the kitchen): Good morning, good morning.

Carol: Hi, honey.

(He notices Greg’s huge supply of food.)

Mike: You got to be kidding.

Greg: I need energy for the game tonight.

Mike: Speaking of the game, (he takes out the newspaper) I see by the newspaper, that the Coolidge High School boys swiped your Westdale mascot.

Greg: Yeah, our bear cub.

Carol: Those pranks are so silly.

Mike: Well, I’m surprised your school took it lying down because in my day, we would have gone righ tout and stolen theirs.

Greg (surprised): You would?

Mike: I did.

Carol: You didn’t.

Mike: I did.

Greg: The old school spirit, Mom.

Mike: Yeah, well, not according to the boys’ vice-principal.

Greg: You got caught?

Mike: I got suspended from school for a week.

Carol (laughing): You deserved it.

Greg: No, you were just getting even with the other team.

Mike: Well, maybe your mother’s right, Greg. Considering the suspension, it was a pretty dumb trick.

Carol: You know, I think kids today are too grown up to get involved in such childish behavior.

Greg: Yeah, yeah.

(He goes upstairs and Carol offers Mike some pancakes.)

Carol: You want one, Mike.

Mike: Thank you.

(Cut to upstairs. Bobby is washing his face in the bathroom.)

Bobby (to Peter): What happened to all the towels?

Peter: I don’t know, but it’s wash day. Try the linen closet.

(Bobby finds a towel in the closet, but hears Greg’s voice through the air bin.)

Greg: Boy, you sure do have an appetite. (Bobby starts to suspect) Not so fast, slow down, you want to get indigestion. (We cut into the room) Easy does it, that’s better. (He takes the food) All right, that’s it. No more food till lunchtime. If I keep raiding the refrigerator downstairs, they’ll get suspicious.

Peter (coming in the closet): I thought you wer egetting a towel.

Bobby: Sh. Come in here.

Peter: What are you doing?

Bobby: Close the door. (He closes) Did you know you can hear everything from Greg’s room in here, from the air bin?

Peter: That’s an invasion of privacy.

Bobby: You mean we can’t listen?

Peter: I didn’t say that, I just said it was an invasion of privacy.

(They take a step ladder and put their ears by the air bin.)

Bobby: Greg’s got somebody up in his room.

Peter: Yeah, who?

Bobby: Someone who’s real hungry.

(They hera Greg’s voice.)

Greg: You feel better now, Raquel?

Bobby: Raquel?

Peter: Greg’s got a girl up there.

Bobby: Wow. What do we do?

Peter: Keep listening.

(Jan and Cindy go inside the closet.)

Peter: What are you two doing in here?

Jan: Where do you expect us to go for a wash cloth?

Cindy: what are you doing in here?

Bobby: Who, us? Oh, we’re just in here shooting the breeze.

Jan: Inside the closet, on a ladder?

Cindy: You two are up to something.

Bobby: Well, to tell you the truth, we are.

Jan: What?

Bobby: Well, you tell them, Pete.

Peter: Uh, well, uh, remember that science project I was working on for school?

Jan and Cindy: No.

Peter: Oh, well, anyway, uh, uh, my snake got loose and it’s in this closet.

Bobby: Yeah. (pointing) hey, there it is.

(The girls scream and roun away.

Greg (to Raquel): Hey, msybe you’d like a little guitar music.

(He starts to play but then hears a knock at the door.)

Greg: Who is it?

Marcia: It’s Marcia. Mom wants to know if you got anything to go to the cleaners. (Greg takes Raquel and puts her in the bathroom. Marcia hears Raquel bleat) Greg, is there somebody up there with you?

Greg: Nobody.

Marcia: Are you sure?

Greg; Yes.

Marcia: I can’t wait all day.

Greg: All right, Marcia. All right. (to himself) You may as well know. (He goes to let her in while racquel gets on his bed) Sh, come on in. I guess I can trust uyou.

Marcia: Huh? Trust me about what? (She sees raquel and gets surprised) A goat?

Greg: Meet Raquel.

Marcia: Wow! Hey, that’s Coolidge High’s mascot.

Greg: Right. Westdale had a revenge raid.

Marcia: She’s cute. But why did you bring her here?

Greg: There was no place else to hide her until after the game tonight. At least no place that would be safe.

Marcia: Mom and Dad are not gonna be too thrilled about a hot goat.

Greg: They better not find out, if you get the point.

Marcia: I’ll do my part, but you better tell Raquel to keep her mouth shut too.

Greg: Close the door on your way out. (She leaves) Listen, Raquel, I’ll share my breakfast with you but not my bed.

(Marcia goes down the stairs and sees Alice.)

Marcia: Hi.

Alice: Is Greg still in his room?

Marcia: Why do you ask?

Alice: I just want to change his linen and straighten things up a little.

Marcia: Oh no, not now, Alice.

Alice: Why?

Marcia: Greg’s sort of busy. Maybe you better not bother him just now.

Alice: Oh, somethong for school?

Marcia: Yes, as a matte rof fsct, it does have to do with school. it’s a real hairy problem.

Alice: Okay, I’ll leave it till later.

(Alice goes into the same linen closet and overhears Greg speaking to Raquel.)

Greg: Now listen, young lady, be a good girl or else.

Alice: I better get a grip on my ears.

Mike (coming by): Were you talking to me?

Alice: No, I wasn’t, but I could’ve sworn the closet was talking to me.

Greg: You want your ears rubbed? Aww, that feel good. Look, Raquel, you had a pretty rough night. Why don’t you take a nap.

(Mike knocks on the attic door.)

Mike (calling): Greg.

Greg: Yes, sir.

Mike: I want to see you in my den.

Greg: Just give me a couple of minutes, Dad.

Mike: Your couple of minutes were up a couple of minutes ago.

(We take you to Mike’s den, where Mike gives Greg a lecture.)

Mike: Greg, I want to talk to you.

Greg: Yes, sir.

Mike: It’s about Raquel.

Greg (annoyed): Raquel?

Mike: Never find how I found out about it. The point is, she’s in your room, isn’t she.

Greg: Yes, sir.

(He sits down.)

Mike (upset): Greg, your mother and I never questioned your right to privacy, but, I mean, this is carrying things a little too far. Why did you do that?

Greg: I figured I could sneak Raquel in last night and get her out without anyone finding out.

Mike (annoyed): You mean she’s been here all night?

Greg: Dad, I was stuck. there was no place else I could take her.

Mike: Oh, I am trying very hard to be understanding and I’mn losing!

Greg: Okay, Dad. I nevr should’ve gotten mixed up with a beast like that.

Mike: Son, that is a dreadful thing to say about a girl, no matter what she looks like!

Greg (surprised): A girl? Dad, I think we may have a communication gap going here. Raquel is a goat.(Mike is ready to blow off steam) As in nanny. You know, nah.

Mike (surprised): A goat? You mean a goat, goat?

Greg (laughing): You mean you thought I…

Mike: Sure did.

(Greg laughs some more.)

Greg: Oh, no.

Mike (laugihng): Why didn’t you say so in the first place?

Greg: You sounded like you knew.

Mike (suddenly serious): The next question is why are you running a motel for goats?

Greg: Well, it’s a special goat. It’s Coolidge High mascot.

Mike: You didn’t, did you? Yeah,well, (he sits with Greg) That wasn’t the brightest move in the world, son.

Greg: You said you did the same thing in school.

Mike: But I didn’t say it wasn’t stupid. I also said it was wrong. If you want to know how wrong, you wait till your mother finds out.

Greg: Does she have to know?

Mike: Greg, you have to return Raquel, no way out.

Greg: I know, but couldn’t I do it kind of slowly. Like, after the game tonight.

Mike: No, look, son.

Greg: Dad, I’m in such a bind. If the guys find out, they’ll kill me. It’s just for a couple of hours.

(He gives Mike a pleading look.)

Mike: Well, okay, but just till after the game tonight.

Greg; Thanks, Dad. You’re terrific.

(He gets up an dleaves.)

Mike (to himself): If your mothe rfinds out, you, me and Raquel might be roommates.

(Later, Mike is on the phone.)

Mike: yeah, George, I’m just finishing the plans now. I’ll drop them off later. Right, good bye.

(Carol comes in the room.)

Carol: Honey, can we postpone our shopping until later?

Mike: Oh, sure, I have to get these plans out anyway. Where are you going?

Carol: To an emergency PTA meeting. I just got a call from one of the ladies.

Mike: Yeah, what’s the emergency?

Carol: Well, they think this mascot stealing business has gone completely out of hand. Now, Westdale High has stolen Coolidge’s mascot.

Mike: No.

Carol: Yeah, well, we got to try to do something about it.

Mike: Well, honey, I think the ladies are making more out of this than it really deserves.

Carol: No, it isn’t just the ladies. Mr. Binckley, the boys’ vice-principal, he’s up in arms too. He’s even giving up his Saturday just to come to this meeting.

Mike: Do they have an idea who the guilty guys are?

Carol: No, but, when Mr. Binckley finds out, he intends to make an example for the entire student body.

Mike: Oh, great.

Carol: Well, thank goodness our boys aren’t mixed up in it. (She kisses hius cheek) I’ll see you later.

Mike (to himself): Yeah, thank goodness.

(We see a shot of Raquel in the attic as the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike helping greg clean up a mess made by raquel in his room.)

Mike: Well, that’s the way it is, son. There’s a vigilante committee out to get everybody connected with this missing mascot.

Greg: And my own mother is one of the posses.

Mike: And worse, your vice-principal is the leader of the pack.

Greg (sititng down): Yeah, Mr. Binckley. Looks like I’m the one who’s the goat, Raquel. (She bleats) You can say that again.

(She lets out another bleat.)

Mike: You know, Greg, there may be a way out of this if you act fast enough. Because the Coolidge High school guys are in the same predicament as you Westdale guys, right?

Greg: Right.

Mike: Okay, I would think thye would be in the mood for compromise.

Greg: How do you mean compromise?

Mike: Both sides go from swiping to swapping.

Greg: Swipe the mascots back again?

Mike: Yeah, that way the heat’s off. I mean, well provided you don’t get caught swapping.

Greg: That’s a great idea, Dad. You have a fantastic criminal mind. (Mike agrees) I’ll get ahold of the Coolidge guys right away, and arrange for a secret prisoner exchange.

Mike: Good.

Greg: Okay to borrow the car?

Mike: I have to deliver a set of plans. You come on, I’ll take you.

Greg: Thanks. (to Raquel) You take it easy until we get back.

(Next, Peter and Bobby go into the linen closet to see if they can hear more about Raquel.)

Peter (to Bobby): All clear, come on.

(They go into the closet.)

Bobby: I don’t hear anything, maybe Greg’s out.

(They suddenly hear her trotting around the floor.)

Peter: Sounds like those high heels women wear. It must be Raquel.

(They now hear it double.)

Bobby: Sounds like four high heels.

Peter: Greg’s got two girls stashed up there? What an operator.

(Raquel bleats again.)

Bobby: One of those girls sure has a funny voice.

(They hear her bleat once more.)

Peter: that’s no girl.

Bobby: Doesn’t even sound like a person.

(Another bleat comes out.)

Peter: Let’s go take a look.

(They go up to the attic. They find the rope Raquel was on, which is busted. They see Raquel in the bathroom.)

Bobby: A goat.

Peter: The Coolidge High mascot. Greg must’ve been one of the guys who lifted it.

Bobby: Greg’s gonna be famous.

Peter: You mean expelled.

(She runs out of the room.)

Bobby: Hey, come back here.

Peter: Come back.

Bobby: Come back.

Peter: Coke back/

(They run after her down the stairs. the girls are going up the stairs and see the goat.)

Cindy: What’s that?

Jan: It’s a goat!

Peter: Raquel!

Bobby: Come back!

(They cause a little commotion as the guys persuad ethe girls to go after Raquel. Alice hears them calling her.)

Alice (to herself): Raquel?

(She runs out and through the back fence with the kid sin pursuit. Meanwhile, Carol and the PTA members come in through the front door.)

Carol: Come on in, ladies.

Mrs. Gould: I wouldn’t have said that.

Selma: You did, though. You did.

Carol: Make yourselves right at home.

Mrs Gould and Selma: thank you.

Carol (calling): Alice.

Mrs. Gould: Oh, what a lovely home you have, Mrs. Brady.

Selma: Carol, did you get new chairs?

Carol: No, we just had them cleaned.

Selma: oh, they look great.

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: Oh, hi, Mrs. Brady, Mrs. Tingle. What happened to your PTA meeting?

Selma: Hi, Alice. We had to switch houses.

Mrs. Gould: I forgot the painters were coming today.

Carol: Alice, could you get us some tea, please.

Alice: Tea and cookies coming right up.

(Greg and Mike come back.)

Greg: that’s great. I’m glad the guys from Coolidge High were as anxious to stay out of trouble as we were.

Mike: Yeah, all we have to do is get Raquel to the park and change with that bear cub.

Greg: Great, Mom’s at the P.T.A. meeting and I’ll have a chance to get Raquel out.

(Meanwhile, Carol and the ladies are in the living room chatting.)

Selma: Oh, your house is furnished so beautifully, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Oh, would you like to see the rest of it before Mr. Binckley gets here?

Mrs. Gould: I’d love to.

(Mike and Greg come in.)

Carol (to Mike): Oh, hi, dear. Ladies, this is the man who designed the house, my husband, Mike (she kisses him) and my son Greg.

Mike: Well, uh, what happened to the P.T.A. meeting?

Carol: We had a last minute switch of houses. But you timed your entrance perfectly. The ladies were just wanting to see the house.

Mike: Oh, that’s just, fine, fine.

Greg (abruptly): Don’t show them my room, because I forgot to clean it up and it’s a mess. A big mess.

Mike: Well, we understand that, Greg. Well, would you like to see the garage? (They scuff) No, I suppose not. Well, how about my den?

Carol: Great, this way, ladies (The bell rings) Greg, would you get the door, honey, thank you.

Greg: Um, okay.

Carol: He doesn’t let us in here very often.

(Greg answers the door and it’s Mr. Binckley.)

Mr. Binckley: Hello, Gregory.

Greg: Uh, hi, hi, Mr. Binckley.

Mr. Binckley: I’ve already been to Mrs. Gould’s house. I hope there hasn’t been another change of meeting place.

Greg: Oh, yes sir. I mean, no sir. It’s here.

Mr. Binckley: May I come in?

Greg: Oh, sure, come on in.

Mr. Binckley: I presume you heard why we’re meeting.

Greg: Sometihng about school mascots?

Mr. Binckley: Stolen mascots. Youngsters must learn to respect one another’s property. Today it’s goats and bears. Tomorrow it’s liable to be cars and even worse.

Greg: Oh, yes sir, yes sir, I couldn’t agree with you more. Well, they’re in the den here, if you just folow me.

(Meanwhile, Raquel heads back to the house. Alice sees it running through the kitchen. Greg sees it going up the stairs and abruptly shuts the door as everyone is about to leave the den.)

Mike: I’d like to show you the kitchen. (Greg pushes him back) Back in the den. (He opens it again) get the goat.

(Greg runs upstairs and looks for the goat.)

Greg: Raquel.

(Carol and the rest of the party leave the den.)

Carol: Come on, now I’ll show you the upstairs.

Mike: Honey, what about the kitchen, that’s your pride and joy.

Carol: I’m saving that for last.

Mike: Yes, but you have an important meeting and I’m sure Mr. Binckley doesn’t have time for the grand tour.

Carol: It’ll only take a moment, Mr. Binckley.

Mr. Binckley: Very well.

Carol (to Mike): See.

Mike: Wait a minute, I’ll lead the way.

Carol: Come on, everybody!

(Greg is upstairs looking for Raquel.)

Greg: Raquel.

(She runs form one room to another. Greg runs after her. Mike, Carol and their party come upstairs.)

Mike: Three bedrooms up here and one upstairs. (They compliment the color co-ordination of the hallway) The two youngest boys have the room on the right. (He looks inside and sees Greg chasing Raquel) All clear of boys.

(They enter the boys’ room. Greg catches Raquel and lifts her.)

Greg: That’s a good girl, Raquel. Just keep it cool.

(He hears Carol and then sneaks into the closet, with Raquel.)

Carol: And this bathroom was designed for both of us and the girls. (They go out in the hall) And now, I’d like you to see what I think every house should have. And that is, a walk-in, linen closet. (She opens the door and they all see Greg and Raquel) You seen one linen closet, you seen them all, right? Right?

Mike: Why don’t you show them the master bedroom.

Carol: Ah, ah, the master bedroom, right. (She leads them to their room then gets mad at Mike) You knew all about this, didn’t you.

Mike: I’ll explain it later.

(Carol makes an angry noise to him, then joins the others. Mike opens the door and talks to Greg.)

Mike: i’ll stall in the master bedroom, get rid of the goat.

Greg: I’m trying to.

(Mike walks away. Greg tries to sneak Raquel away but they run into Alice. Greg lose shis grip on Raquel.)

Alice: That’s the second goat I’ve seen today.

(Raquel runs into the master bedroom. the P.T.A. members get scared.)

Greg: My goat!

(Raquel runs into Carol and Mike’s bathroom. )

Carol: Close the door.

(Selma and th eothe rP.T.A. shut it. they accidentally slam it in Alice’s face.)

Alice: Mrs. Brady!

(Greg comes out of the bathroom with the shower curtains.)

Carol (screaming): Greg! Those are my shower curtains!

Greg: I know! I know!

Carol: Where’s the goat?

Greg: She’s in the bathtub!

Mike: Well, go get it!

(He runs into the bathroom. Mrs. Gould seeks refuge in their closet. Raquel gets on the bed.)

Carol (angry): That’s my good spread!

Mike: I’ll get it.

Carol: Be careful, Mike.

(He gets on the bed to get Raquel off. Greg shoves her into the closet.)

Mr. Binckley: Gregory, Mrs. Gould is in the closet.

(He opens the door and an extremely frightened Mrs. Gould emerges. Mike goes over with flowers.)

Mike: Wait a minute, open it up.

(He gives Raquel the flowers to snff on.)

Mr. Bickley: I hope you have a good explanation for this, Gregory.

Greg: I hope so, too.

Mr. Binckley: But I doubt it.

Greg: I doubt it, too.

(Later, the P.T.A. members ar eleaving.)

Mrs. Gould: Thanks for a lovely time, I think.

Carol: Oh, come back.

Selma: Carol, next time I’m gonna bring my trap shoes.

Carol: okay, Selma, so long.

(The other P.T.A. woman says good-bye.)

Carol: Good bye, thank you.

Mr. Binckley: Mr. Brady, I want to commend you for having acted so quickly to effect the mascot exchange. (to Greg) And as for you, young man.

Greg: yes, sir.

Mr. Binckley: I think a 5,000 word essay on the evils of mascot stealing is an order.

Greg: 5,000 words?

Carol: Greg, I think Mr. Binckley is being very generous.

Greg: Oh yes, very generous. Thank you, sir.

Mr. Binckley: Well, haven’t you better run along, Gregory. You have an appointment, to return that goat.

Greg: The goat, where is she? Raquel.

(He runs.)

Carol: Ohh, my poor house.

Mike: Boy, time sur ehas changed. I did the same thing when I was a kid and I got suspended for a week.

Mr. Binckley: I was suspended for an entire month.

(He and Mike shake hands and Mr. Binckley leaves. The scene fades away.)

(The final scene has Carol and Alice cleaning Greg’s room from the effects of Raquel.)

Alice: That ought to do it, Mr. Brady.

Carol: Boy, Alice, i tell you, goats may be easy on the eyes but tye sure are hard on th enose.

Alice: I’m glad Raquel is gone back where she belongs.

Greg: yes, but the memory linger son.

(He shows them a pair of jeans, which Raquel chewed a hole in. Carol laughs and sprays it.)


S5 E5 Peter And The Wolf

Peter and the Wolf

Written by Tam Spiva

Greg sets Peter up on a date with an older woman. Peter sports a fake mustache and takes an assumed name to pull it off. I hope you enjoy the script.











SANDRA, Greg’s date

LEN, a friend of Greg’s

LINDA, Peter/Phil’s date

MR. CALDERON, Mike’s client

MRS. CALDERON, Mr. Calderon’s wife

(The episode begins at Greg’s school. He is seen taking to his friend, Len.)

Len: I don’t believe it. I mean, every guy in school is trying to take out Sandra Martin. So how did you swing it?

Greg: Simple. I’m charming and irresistable.

Len: I heard a rumor she only take sout college guys.

Greg: Who do you think started the rumor? It eliminates competition.

Len: Ooh, shrewd. that’s awfully shrewd, greg.

(Sandra calls to him.)

Sandra: Oh, Greg.

Greg; Hi, Sandra.

Sandra: Hey, can I talk to you for a moment?

Greg: Sure, Sandra. Wait up. Huh, Len.

Len: Yeah, sure.

(They walk a few feet to speak privately.)

Sandra: I don’t want to say this, but I’m gonna have to break our date for Saturday night?

Greg: Oh no, how come?

Sandra: My cousin Linda, right out of the blue, she’s coming imnto town to visit us. (Pause) I can’t leave her sititng alone. I’m sorry, I really am.

Greg: Wait. (He has a thought) How old is your cousin, Linda?

Sandra: 18, why?

Greg: Suppose I came up with a date for her and we make it a foursome.

Sandra: That be great. Can you find someone on such short notice?

Greg: Simple. And if your cousin looks anything like you, I’ll have to fight them off with a whip and a chair. (He laughs) By the way, what does your cousin Linda look like?

Sandra: I don’t know, I haven’t seen her in 6 years. She had pigtails and braces then.

(She laughs out loud.)

Greg: Pigtail and braces. Well, a lot can happen in six years.

Sandra: Right. (She looks at he rwatch) Oh, I have to run or I’ll be late for class. Bye.

Greg: Bye, Sandra. (He goes back to Len.) Len, this is your lucky day.

Len: Forget it, I heard. Pigtail and braces. No way.

Greg: Ooh, that was a long time ago. By now, I’ll bet she looks like a million bucks.

Len: Yeah, you know what thta’s worth, with inflation and all.

Greg: You know what i went through to get this date with Sandra? What kind of a friend are you?

Len: Now, Greg, friendship is one thing, but human sacrifice is sometihng else.

Greg (annoyed): But I’ll blow the date with Sandra if I don’t get somebody for her cousin!

Len: Well, you win some, you lose some. See ya.

(He walks away and Greg yells over to him.)

Greg: I’ll bet i can get 50 guys to jump at the chance! (to himself) At least 20. (He thimnks again) settle for 1.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Greg at home. he’s going through his phone book and calling his friends. He’s trying to get them to go on the date with Linda.)

Greg (on the phone): Hello, Fred. What are you doing Friday night? How about going out on a double date? So what if she is a blind date, Fred? She’s Sandra’s cousin. according to heredity, she could look like…. Frankenstein didn’t have a cousin. Last chance, Fred, yes or no. Okay, I’m gonna give you one more chance. (His friend hangs up) Fred, Fred.

(Mike comes home and sees Carol, who is in the kitchen.)

Mike: Hi, honey.

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart. (They kiss) Listen, I tried to phone you before I left the office. Who’s been on the phone?

Carol: The same person who’s still on the phone.

Mike: What’s the crisis?

Carol: Greg’s trying to get a blind date for his date’s cousin.

Mike: I was phoning to see about getting a date with you. How’s your Saturday night calendar?

Carol: Oh, well, I was planning to spend a quiet evening at home with my husband.

Mike: Oh, well, that sounds dull. How about something more romantic? Candlelight dinner, quiet dinner?

Carol: Are you getting fresh with me fella?

Mike: Gee, if I’m not, I’m doing it all wrong.

Carol (laughing): You just got yourself a date.

Mike: Good. (He shows her a book) Now, all we have to do is brush up on this.

Carol: 10 easy steps to Spanish?

Mike: Mmm hmm.

Carol: Isn’t the menu in English?

Mike: No, we are entertaining Mr. Calderon and his wife from Mexico City. He is up here on a building deal with the company.

Carol: Oh, I get it. Now it’s a business meeting with tacos.

Mike: No, honey, listen, you can have a good time with them. They’re a wonderful couple.

Carol: Don’t they speak English?

Mike: Well, he does, but I’m not sure about his wife, so, I thought it would be a good idea to brush up on our Spanish to make her feel more at home.

Carol: But, honey, I haven’t spoken Spanish since college.

Mike: Well, neither have I. Shall we Habla Espanol together?

Carol: Well, I’ll habla with you anytime, senor.

(She puts a celery stick in his mouth while Greg is on the phone with another friend.)

Greg (annoyed): Switch dates with you if Linda turns out to be a dog? Thanks for nothing, Tom!

(He hangs up and the girls come downstairs to him.)

Marcia: No luck, huh?

Greg: To think I’d find one guy willing to go out on a blind date. There goes my date with Sandra.

Marcia: I wish there was something I can do, Greg.

Greg: Not unless you know a guy you can lend me for a night.

Marcia: I wish i did.

Jan: I wish I did, too.

Cindy: I would lend you one of my boyfriends, Greg. Except none of mine can stay out after dark.

(Cut to the boys’ room. Bobby is checking to see Peter’s facial hair.)

Bobby: I don’t see anything.

Peter: Then you better have your eyes checked, because they’re there. 5 hairs, count them. 5.

Bobby: Probably fuzz from the towel.

Peter (defensive): Oh yeah, feel them.

Bobby (feeling): Ouch! (He gets sarcastic) Well, you should have warned me, they’re so sharp.

(Bobby runs out. Greg comes by.)

Peter: Hey, Greg, got a second.

Greg: Yeah, sure.

Peter: Well, you see, I’m getting this trememdous beard.

Greg: You are?

Peter: Well, I was wondering if I could use your razor to shave.

Greg: Pete, you’re too young to be shaving.

Peter: Oh yeah, well I’m old enough to be doing a lot of things now.

(Greg stops for a second. He gets an idea and goes back to Peter.)

Greg: Pete.

Peter: Yeah.

Greg: You’ve given me an idea. (He checks him over) Maybe. Just maybe.

Peter: Maybe what?

Greg: Say hello, Linda.

Peter: Hello, Linda.

Greg: No, say it lower.

(Peter scrouches down.)

Peter: Hello, Linda.

Greg: Quit clowning around. You know what I mean.

Peter (in a deeper voice): Hello, Linda.

Greg: Pete, I’m about to do you the biggest favor one brother can do for another.

Peter; What kind of favor?

Greg: Take you on a double date Friday night.

Peter (excited): A double date, with a girl and everything?

Greg: Not just a girl, buddy, I’m gonna fix you up with an older woman.

Peter: Yeah, how old?

Greg: 18.

Peter: Boy, an older woman! Hey, wait, I don’t have much money. Do thye eat a lot?

Greg: Don’t worry about finances. i’m springing.

Peter: Hey, great. How come she would go out with your younger brother?

Greg: You’re not gonna be my younger brother. You see, she, wouldn’t go out with you. So ypou’re gonna be (Pause) Phil, Phil Packer. Some swinging guy from another high school.

Peter: That sounds terrific.

Greg: You’ll be a cool cat every chick in school’s after.

Peter: I am? Wow!

Greg: A legend in your own time.

Peter: I’ll have a great new image.

Greg: How about that?

Peter: I’m fantastic! (Pause) I’d even be better if I knew what to do.

Greg: Don’t worry, I’m gonna coach you. By Friday night you’ll be years ahead of any guy your age.

Peter: Greg, you’re more than a brother, you’re a friend. Imagine, me, Peter Brady, going out with an older woman.

Greg: Correction. Phil Packer’s the name.

Peter: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Phil. Hi, Linda, I’m Phil Packer.

(Next, Mike is in his den and Carol comes in speaking Spanish.)

Carol: Buenos nochas, Miguel.

Mike: Hey, practicing up for Saturday night.

Carol: Si.

Mike: Good. Muy bien.

Carol: Yo tango good news.

Mike: Okay.

Carol: Our muchacho has solved his problemo.

Mike: Oh, fantastico. Which muchacho and which problemo.

Carol: Greg. I think he’s found a date for his novias prima.

Mike: Found a date for his girlfriend’s cousin.

Carol: Si. And the companero’s name is Felipe Packer.

(We take you to the kitchen. Alice is making breakfast and Bobby, Jan and Cindy come in to eat.)

Alice: Buenas dias, senor and senoritas.

All: Buenos dias.

Jan: How come we’re all speaking Spanish?

Alice: We’re practicing for your folks’ guests from Mexico. This is my first swing at Mexican cooking. (She takes the lid off the pan) Olay. The piece of resistance. As they say in the French quarter of Tijuana, huevos rancheros.

Cindy: They look like eggs.

Alice (serving): Huevos are eggs. I’m not sure what rancheros means. Go ahead and try it. One bite at a time.

Jan (gagging): It’s hot!

Bobby (breathless): It’s good.

(He takes a sip of orange juice.)

Alice: I guess in my case rancheros means flamethrower.

(She takes a bite.)

Alice: Now I like it.

(Next, Peter goes up to greg’s room.)

Peter: Tonight’s the night, our big double date.

Greg: Yep, how about that?

Peter: It’s really gonna be tough concentrating in class.

Greg: Well, listen, just try and put it out of your mind. I don’t want you leaving your game in your locker room.

Peter: Boy, an older woman. Where are we gonna take them?

Greg: Drive-in movie.

Peter: Drive-in movie, what’s playing?

Greg: Who cares?

(He laughs.)

Peter: Yeah.

(They both laugh and the scene fades away.)

(The next scene has the guys going to pick up their dates. Peter is wearing a fake mustache.)

Peter (to Greg): This mustache was a good idea, huh.

Greg: Yeah, it makes you look a few years older. But remember, don’t say too much. Be the strong, silent type. That way you can’t make too many mistakes.

Peter: Okay. You never did tell me what Linda looks like.

Greg: Looks like? (Peter rings the bell to the house) Listen, to a dude like Phil Packer, it doesn’t make any difference. he treats them all alike. Get it?

Peter: Got it.

(Sandra opens the door.)

Sandra: Hi, Greg.

Greg: Hi, Sandra. i’d like you to meet Phil Packer.

Peter: Hi.

Sandra: Hi, Phil. (calling) Linda! Greg has told me a lot about you. Linda’s been looking forward to meeting you.

(Sandra comes out. She is a very beautiful young woman.)

Linda: Hi.

Sandra: Linda, I want you to meet Greg Brady and Phil Packer.

(Peter can’t help but stare at the gorgeous Linda.)

Peter: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Linda: Which one of you is Phil?

Peter: Me. He’s greg, I’m Phil. Right, Greg?

Greg: yeah, right.

Sandra: We’ll get our things. Be right back, okay?

Peter (to Greg): Boy, you really know how to pick them.

(We take you to the drive-in movie they went to. The guys are coming back from the concession stand with popcorn and soft drinks.)

Peter: Linda’s the most beautiful woman I ever saw. I hope I don’t goof it up.

Greg: Take it easy, Pete. Play it cool. Do just what I do.

Peter: Got it.

(They get back in the car with the girls.)

Greg: Sorry it took so long.

Peter: It took a long time.

Greg: it’s kind of crowded.

Peter: A lot of people.

(Greg hands Sandra the popcorn.)

Greg: Enough butter on it?

Sandra: Plenty.

Peter (to Linda): Enough butter on it?

Linda: Yeah, it’s fine.

(Greg puts his arm around Sarah. Peter goes to do the same but accidentally knocks Linda’s popcorn over.)

Peter: Oh, I’m really sorry about that.

Linda: Phil, POhil.

Peter: I’m sorry.

Linda: It’s all right, Phil. Phil, Phil, it doesn’t matter. It’s alright.

Peter: Here, you can have mine.

Linda: Thank you.

(Greg and Sandra shrug. Greg smells Sandra’s perfume.)

Greg: What’s that wild scent you’re wearing?

Sandra: Exotica.

(Peter sniffs on Linda’s neck.)

Peter: what’s that wild scent you’re wearing?

Linda: Buttered popcorn.

Peter: I’m sorry about that.

Linda: Have some?

Peter: Thanks.

(Peter eats some popcorn but his mustache starts to fall off. Greg turns around and notices.)

Greg; Hey Phil, how about some of that popcorn, old buddy.

Peter: Hmm.

Greg (mumbling): Cover the mustache. (He motions for them to get out of the car) Why don’t we get come cold drinks or something. Be right back.

(They leave and Sandra turns around to Linda.)

Sandra: I don’t understand what’s the matter with Greg. He seems so different at school.

Linda: And I don’t understand what’s with his friend Phil. ( She throws some popcorn out of the car) I never had a date like this before.

(They take the girls home after the movie is over.)

Sandra: Good night, Greg.

Greg: Good night.

Sandra: Hey, it was (Pause) fun.

Greg: Well, I hope so.

Sandra: It really was. Wasn’t it, Linda?

Sandra: Yeah, it was great. Thanks, Phil.

Peter: No sweat.

(He shakes her hand.)

Linda: Bye bye.

Peter: Bye.

Greg (to Sandra): Well, I‘ll see you at school on Monday.

Sandra: Good night.

Greg: Good night, and nice meeting you, Linda.

Linda: See ya.

Peter: Bye.

(The girls go inside and the guys walk a few feet from the door.)

Peter: How did I do?

Greg: Well, I’m not sure yet.

Peter: When will you be sure?

Greg: Monday, when I ask Sandra for another date.

Peter: Will you fix me up, too?

Greg: Pete, from now on, Phil Packer can find his own dates.

Peter: You’re right. After what i pulled off tonight, I’m ready to go solo.

(The girls are inside talking about their night out.)

Sandra: That was really a strange evening.

Linda: Did you catch that phony mustache on Phil?

Sandra: Did I, it was practically everywhere but under his nose.

Linda: I’ll bet he was only 15 or 16 years old at the most.

Sandra: I’m sure his name wasn’t Phil, either. (She realizes something) I could swear I heard Greg call him Pete once. You know what?

Linda: What?

Sandra: I think Greg has a brother named Peter. I’ll bet that’s who Phil was.

Linda: Why would Greg pull a gag like that.

Sandra: I have no idea, but one good gag deserves another. How would you like to get even?

Linda: Cousin, I’m with you.

(The next day, greg and Peter are walking down the stairs and the phone rings. Peter answers.)

Peter: Hello. Who’s calling? Yeah, sure, hang on. Hey, Greg, it’s her, Sandra. Ask her how I did with Lnda.

Greg: Not unless she brings it up first. (He gets on the phone) Hi, Sandra.

Sandra (on the other line): Hello, Greg. I just had to call and tell you again what a wonderful time I had last night.

Greg: You really did?

Sandra: You were right, Phil’s too much. Linda hasn’t stopped talking about him.

Greg: Linda really liked phil?

Sandra: She really did. She wants to know if the four of us can get together again. Like tonight.

Greg: Tonight? Well, Sandra, Phil may already have a date. But we can go out.

Sandra: I couldn’t go without Linda. And I really wanted to see you again. That is, if you want to see me.

Greg: How about in 20 minutes.

Sandra: What if Phil’s dated up?

Greg: I’ll get him to cancel it. I’m sure he can make it.

Sandra: Okay, bye.

Greg: Bye.

(He hangs up.)

Sandra (to Linda): I wish I could take a picture of Greg’s face when we’re falling all over Phil.

(They laugh. Back at the Brady house, Peter sees Marcia coming out of the den.

Peter (lowering his voice)” Hi, there.

Marcia: What happened to your voice?

Peter: Notihng, baby.

Marcia: Do you have a cold?

Peter: No, just devestating charm.

(She makes a weird face as we take yoiu to the bathroom. Peter is putting on his fake mustache. Jan and Cindy ar ebanging on the door.)

Cindy: Open up, Peter.

Jan: Are you gonna stay in there all night?

(He puts the mustache in his pockets and opens the door.)

Cindy: What took you so long?

Peter: I was shaving.

Jan: What? Your legs?

Peter: For your information, I got whiskers.

Jan (to Cindy): Yeah, I guess it took him all that time to find the one he’s got.

(The girls laugh.)

Peter: Very funny.

(He goes in the bedroom. Bobby comes in.)

Bobby: What are you all dressed up for?

Peter: i got a date.

Bobby: Who’s the unlucky girl?

Peter: What would you say if I told you I was taking out an older female?

Bobby: An older female what?

(Downstairs, Mike answers the door. It’s the Calderons.)

Mike: Ah, buenos nochas, Calderon.

(He shakes his hand.)

Mr. Calderon: Mery Christmas, Mr. Brady.

Mrs. Calderon: Buenos nochas, senor.

(They come in.)

Mike: Me casa, sue casa.

Mr. Calderon: Thank you very much.

Mike: Presente esposa, Carol.

Mrs. Calderon: Muy contenta deconocerte

Mr. Calderon: Very pleased to meet you.

Carol: Mucha gusta, Senor and Senorita Calderone.

Mr. Calderon: I am Juan, my wife, Maria.

Carol: I’m Carol, and this is Mike.

Mrs. Calderon: You speak Spanish very well.

Carol (flattered): Thank you, won’t you please sit down.

Mike: Yes, please.

Mrs. Calderon: Gracias.

Mike: Well, we’re seldom able to use our Spanish, and we thought, tonight was the perfect opportunity.

Mr. Calderon: It is the same with us for English. We have hoped to use it this evening.

Carol: Oh, you go right ahead. That’s a deal.

(Alice comes out with refreshments.)

Mike: Alice Nelson, Senor and Senorita Calderon.

(The Calderons issue pleasantries in Alice to Spanish.)

Alice: Tengo mucho gusto. That’s it for me in Spanish.

(She leaves.)

Mike: Well, we made reservations for this evening, but if there’s anytihng special you’d lke, it’s no trouble to change it.

Mrs. Calderon: Well, if you’re sure it’s no trouble.

Carol: Oh, no trouble at all. Honest.

Mr. Calderon: In that case, we would love to try one of your typical American dishes.

Mike: What’s that?

Mr. Calderon: Pizza.

Carol (laughing): Pizza? Really?

Mr. Calderon: Really.

Mike: You know, I don’t know whether I know a good pizza place or not.

Carol: No, not a good one. Let me see.

(The girls come by.)

Marcia: We do, Dad. Marioni’s is super.

Jan: We always go there.

Cindy: Yeah, Marioni’s has the greatest pizza.

Mike: Well, kids ought to know pizza. These are my daughters, Marcia, Cindy and Jan. Senor and Senorita Calderon.

Marcia: Hello.

Mr. Calderon: Gusto.

Marcia: We hope you nenjoy your stay here in town.

Mr. Calderon: Gracias.

Mrs. Calderon: Thank you.

Jan: Nice meeting you.

Cindy: Nice talking to you.

Jan: Enjoy your pizza.

(They leave.)

Mr. Calderon: You have the most charming daughters.

Mrs. Calderon: One said that their children reflect their parents.

Carol: Thank you. We were reflected three more times with sons.

Mike: They’re out tonight. Well, if it’s pizza you want, then it’s pizza you shall have.

(Meanwhile, Peter, Greg and their dates are at that same restaurant.)

Peter (to Sandra and Lnda): Well, I cut to my right, and I cut to my left, then I ran the 100 yards for a touchdown.

Linda: That’s fantastic.

Sandra: What a run, Phil.

Greg: Yeah, too bad it all happened in a dream.

Sandra: You’re just jealous, Greg.

(Mike and Carol come in with the Calderons. A hostess shows them to their seat.)

Mike: Oh, that’s great.

Mrs. Calderon: This place is charming.

Carol: Smells good.

Mrs. Calderon: I know exactly what I want. I supersized pizza with what how do you say, the works.

Mr. Calderon: Make that two.

Mike: What’s Spanish for heartburn?

(Cut back to the other table. Linda and sandra are heavily flirting with Peter.)

Linda: Phil, you are fantastic.

Sandra: I never kissed a fellow with a mustache before. Does it tickle?

Linda: You won’t find out. Phil’s with me, remember?

Sandra: He was with you?

Peter: Don’t fight, girls. They’re enough of me to go around.

Greg (fuming): I don’t get this.

(Mike is discussing business with Mr. Calderon at their table.)

Mike: I understand we’re having a meeting tomorrow morning on the preliminary plans.

Mr. Calderon: Yes, Mike. I wish to make a decision before we leave this weekend.

Mike: Good, good.

(Suddenly, Calderon notices the girls smooching Peter passionately. He gets disgusted.)

Carol: Is something wrong, Senor Calderone?

Mr. Calderone: Excuse me, but it is very embarassing.

Mike: What is?

Mr. Calderone: Those children. Necking, I should say. In public.

(Mike and Carol notice it is the boys. Greg notices his parents and panics.)

Greg: pete.

(The girls accidentally rip his mustache off.)

Peter (embarassed): Oh, no.

Sandra: What’s the matter?

Greg: Only everything. Those are our parents.

Peter: Boy, do we have a lot of explaining to do to them.

Sandra: Boy, do we have a lot of explaining to do for you.

(Back home, Greg and Peter are anxiously awaiting their parents. They are worried about what consequences they may have to face.)

Greg: I hope we didn’t ruin Dad’s deal with Mr. Calderone.

Peter: Yeah, or our lives at home.

(Mike and Carol come in.)

Mike: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Peter: Hi.

Carol: Hi.

Greg: Hi. (Pause) How did it go with Mr. Calderon?

Mike: Luckily, we’re still in business.

Peter: Oh, that’s a relief.

Greg: Good.

Carol: They didn’t exactly approve of your X-rated behavior, but they did admire the way you and the girls told the truth.

Greg: We’re really sorry about the whole thing.

Peter: Well, I really learned something. 1. You act your age. 2. You don’t try to be something you’re not. 3.

Carol: yes.

Peter: Find out in advance which restaurant your mom and Dad are going to, and go someplace else.

(He laughs. The parents give a serious look, then they laugh as well. the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Cindy waiting to get in the bathroom. Jan is in there.)

Cindy: I wonder what’s taking her so long.

Marcia: She says she has a date with an older man. She wants to make herself look older.

Cindy: I wonder how she’s gonna do that.

Jan (from inside the bathroom): Does this make me look any older.

(She opens the door with the mustache Peter used. They all laugh.)


S5 E4 Never Too Young

Never Too Old

Written by Larry Rhine and Al Schwartz

Bobby kisses a girl for the first time and then finds out she may have been exposed to the mumps.











MILLISCENT, Cindy and Bobby’s friend

(The episode begins with Bobby shooting baskets. Greg and Peter come outside.)

Bobby: Hey, where are you guys going? I thought we were gonna shoot some baskets.

Greg; Oh, yeah, well, we got something more important to do, Bobby.

Bobby: More important than basketball?

Peter: Not even in the same league. Greg’s gonna drop me off at Wendy’s house.

Greg: And I got a date too.

Bobby: You guys think girls are more important than basketball?

Greg: Did you ever try kissing a basketball?

Bobby: I’d rather kiss a basketball, and a catcher’s mitt, than any dumb old girl.

Peter: Just wait, you’ll be kissing girls.

Greg: And liking it, too.

Bobby: No way, I wouldn’t kiss a girl for nothing. Come on, let’s play.

Greg: Bye, Bobby.

Peter: Bye.

(Greg and Peter get in the car and leave. Bobby mutters to himself about kissing girls, then goes to play some more. At this moent, Milliscent comes over to visit.)

Milliscent: Hi, Bobby.

Bobby: Hi, Milliscent. Cindy’s inside.

Milliscent: I didn’t come here to see Cindy. I came to see you.

Bobby: Me? What for?

Milliscent: To thank you for making that boy stop teasing me at school today. You’re very brave.

Bobby: Okay, that wasn’t anytihng.

Milliscent: It was too, and I really appreciate it.

(She kisses him. He then starts to see skyrockets.)

Milliscent: Bobby, what’s wrong?

Bobby: Huh? I’m not sure. (He comes back to reality) Milliscent, you got to promise something. You got to promise you’ll never tell anybody in the whole world what just happened.

Milliscent (angry): Why not?

Bobby: Because if my brothers find out, I’ll be ruined for life. Promise?

Milliscent: Okay, I promise.

Bobby: Thanks, it will be our secret. Nobody else will ever know.

(We see Cindy watching from inside with a mischievous smile. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Alice on the phone as Bobby comes inside from playing.)

Alice: I’ll talk to you about it later, Sam. Bye bye. (Bobby comes in) Hi. How about a post game snack. (Bobby doesn’t answer) Usually you like sometihng to eat after the game.

Bobby: Skyrockets.

Alice: Skyrockets?

(Mike and Carol are in the living room. She is helping Mike put a heavy coat on for an upcoming Roaring 20s party.)

Carol: Oh, this is heavy.

Mike: Wait a minute, wait a minute.

(He takes a hat off her head and puts it on his.)

Carol: That seems to fit all right.

Mike: How do I look?

Carol: Well, I think you might make the centerfold of the raccoon posethe.

Mike: Oh, eat your heart out, Rudy Vallee.

(Bobby comes by.)

Mike: Hi, Bob.

Carol: Hey Bobby, how do you like your Dad’s costume?

Bobby (unenthused): It’s great.

Mike: Well, he’s underwhelmed.

Carol: Listen, I got yours finished, would you like to try it on?

Bobby: I got too much thinking to do.

Mike (concerned): Uh, Bob, anytihng wrong?

Bobby: Not really.

Carol: Well, is there anything you want to talk to us about?

Bobby: Not really.

Mike: Is there anything we can do?

Bobby: Not really?

(He goes upstairs.)

Mike (to Carol): Nothing like parents having a heart to heart talk with their kids.

(Greg is in his attic room with Marcia and Jan. They are looking at some old records.)

Marcia: These are really perfect for the Roaring 20s party.

Jan: Where did you get them, Greg?

Greg: Dave Osbourne lent them to me.

Jan: Got some funny songs in these thinbgs.

Greg; Get a load of this, Can red lips kiss my blues away.

Marcia: How about this one, does the spearmint lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight.

(They laugh.)

Jan: Yes, we have no bananas? Today that sounds more like a group instead of a song.

(Cindy comes up.)

Cindy: I’ve got a secret, I’ve got a secret.

Jan: What kind of a secret, Cindy.

Cindy: That’s for me to know and you to find out.

(She leaves.)

Greg; When is she gonna grow up?

Marcia: When there’s nobody else to blab on.

(Carol is on her way up the stairs when she hears Mike playing a ukelele in his den. She knocks on the door.)

Carol: Is that you, Mike?

Mike (answering): Hi.

Carol: I thought I heard a ukelele in here.

Mike: You did?

Carol: Yeah.

Mike: That’s because you did. (He shows her) Listen, I’m gonna be the cat’s meow at that Roaring 20s party. I’m really gonna play this.

Carol: great.

Mike (singing): My dog has fleas.

Carol (laughing): Sounds a little more like his temper to me.

Mike: Okay, request time. What would you like?

Carol: I wanna be loved by you.

Mike: Later, right now I’m playing the ukelele.

Carol: Oh, Mike.

Mike:Come on, lend me your tonsil.

Carol: You know I don’t have my tonsils anymore. How about a vocal chord.

Mike: Okay.

(He starts to play and Carol starts to sing. Mike joins in the second verse.)

Carol and Mike: I wanna be loved by you, just you and nobody else but you . I wanna be loved by you alone. Boop-boop-de-boop. I wanna be kissed by you, just you and nobody else but you I wanna be kissed by you alone. Boop-boop-de-boop. I couldn’t aspire to anything higher than to feel the desire
to make you my own ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-doodly-dum-boo. I wanna be loved by you, just you and nobody else but you . I wanna be loved by you alone.

Alice (looking inside the door): Boop-boop-de-boop. (They look over to her) Pardon my boop, I just got carried away.

(They laugh as we move to the next scene. Bobby is in his room doing homework. He starts to imagine himself and Milliscent running to each other in slow motion and kissing each other. He gets up. goes over to the mirror and practices puckering. Peter comes in the room.)

Peter: What are you doing? Warming up to enter an ugly contest?

Bobby: Uh, no, I’m practicing for a whistling contest. I entered a whistling contest.

(He whistles for him.)

Peter: You sure got a dumb looking pucker.

Cindy (entering the room): I got a secret, I got a secret.

Bobby: What kind of secret?

Cindy: That’s for me to kow and you to find out.

(She runs out.)

Bobby: Think she’s got something on you, Pete?

Peter: Me? I haven’t done anything. It’s probably you.

Bobby: Not me. I got the cleanest conscience in town. Who cares about Cindy and her dumb secret? (Bobby is in Cindy’s room asking about the secret) Okay, Cindy, what’s your secret?

Cindy: I’ll give you a hint. It starts with the letter m.

Bobby: M, like in money.

Cindy: Nope. M likeyou find it in Holland and it goes round and round.

Bobby (disgusted): Cindy, windmil doesn’t start with an m.

Cindy: The second half of it does?

Bobby: Mill?

Cindy (nodding): Now add this to it. (a penny)

Bobby: Millpenny? Milllincoln? Millcent?

(Cindy nods and uses her hands to make it longer.)

Bobby: Milliscent? Milliscent! (bitterly) What do you know about Milliscent?

Cindy: Only this.

(She puckers.)

Bobby (angry): You were spying.

Cindy: I was not. I just happened to be looking where I wasn’t supposed to.

Bobby (pleading): Cindy, you got to protect me, I’m your brother.

Cindy: Protect you from Milliscent?

Bobby (bitterly): From Greg and Peter. If they find out, I’ll be ruined for life.

Cindy: At your age, that’s a long time.

Bobby: Please, Cindy, promise me you won’t say anything about kissing me, please?

(The older kids come in.)

Greg: Cindy, we want to talk to you.

Cindy: About what?

Peter: I’ll give you a hint. (He mimics Cindy) I’ve got a secret, I’ve got a secret.

Marcia: We want to know what the secret is.

Jan: And who you’ve got it on.

Cindy: None of you.

Greg: Then who.

(All eyes fall on Bobby.)

Marcia: So the secret’s on Bobby, huh. Hey, what is it, Cindy?

Jan: Yeah, tell us what it is.

Peter: Come on.

Cindy: Well, the secret is. The secret is.

Marcia: Yeah.

Cindy: There is no secret.

(They all get annoyed.)

Greg: Wait a minute, if there’s no secret, what’s all this I’ve got a secret, I’ve got a secret jazz for.

Cindy: Well, if I didn’t say that, would I be getting all this attention?

(They get frustrated and leave. Bobby is happy.)

Bobby: Thanks, Cindy, if you weren’t a girl, I’d kiss you.

(Cut to the den, where Carol is showing Mike a dance while wearing a new dress.)

Carol: You like it? (the dress)

Mike: You really made that yourself?

Carol: No, I remade it. I found it in a trunk in the attic. You like it?

Mike: I think it’s terrific.

Carol: You like the, uh, fringe?

Mike: I like the fringe benefits. (Bobby comes in) Hello there.

Carol: Hi, sweetheart, you like my dress?

Bobby: Mom, can I talk to Dad for a minute? It’s kind of a father son thing.

Carol: Oh, well, since I don’t qualify for either one, see you around.

(She leaves the den.)

Mike (to Bobby): Sit down. (They both take a seat) Well, what’s on your mind?

Bobby: Remember when you asked me if I had a problem?

Mike: Ah, yeah.

Bobby: The problem is, I don’t really know if I have a problem. You know what I mean?

Mike: Eh, no, but I’m sure we can figure the problem out, especially if you’re not sure if you really have one.

Bobby: Yeah. I don’t really know where to start.

Mike: Uh huh. Well, how about the beginning.

Bobby: Well, Dad, did you ever kiss a girl when you were my age?

Mike: Yeah, I kind of remember that I did.

Bobby: Did something special happen?

Mike: Sure did, her father walked in.

Bobby: I mean, how did you feel? Like, did you see skyrockets or something?

Mike: Well, not skyrockets, exactly. A few little firecrackers, maybe.

Bobby: Well, if you did see skyrockets, would that mean you’re in love?

Mike: Bobby, that depends. I suppose, it could.

Bobby: Then people who are in love get engaged, right?

Mike: Well, uh….

Bobby: And then they get married.

Mike: Well, I think in your case, I recommend a long engagement.

Bobby: How long?

Mike: About 10 years. Son, love and marriage, and engagements, it’s a wonderful business, but, you want to make very sure about those skyockets.

Bobby: Make sure, huh. Thanks, dad, I’ll keep in touch.

(He gets up an dleaves.)

Mike: Uh, you do that.

(Next, Bobby goes to Milliscent’s house. He rings the bell and she answers.)

Bobby: Hi Milliscent, I have to make sure of something.

Milliscent: What?

Bobby: Whether it’s skyrockets or not. (He kisses her and again he sees skyrockets) Yeah, it’s skyrockets.

Milliscent: Bobby, I don’t think you should’ve done that.

Bobby: Why not?

Milliscent: I’m contagious. The doctor thinks I may have the mumps.

Bobby (surprised): The mumps?

(She shrugs and closes the door, leaving Bobby mortified. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Alice on the phone with Sam.)

Alice: Oh, and Sam, I better give you the latest news about the roaring 20s party. I entered us in the Charleston contest. Right. Well, wear your shin guards, Sam, because when I do the Charleston, it’s every man for himself. (She laughs.) I’ll see you tomorrow night, Sam, bye. (She does a little dance and Bobby comes in) That’s a pretty long face for a short fellow, is there anything wrong?

Bobby: I’ll say. I know this guy who’s really worried.

Alice: That covers a lot of guys. Can you narrow it down a little?

Bobby: Well, he’s a friend of mine. He thinks he might have the mumps.

Alice: Now, that is a lumpy problem.

Bobby: How can he tell if he’s got them for sure, Alice?

Alice: Well, are his neck glands swollen?

Bobby: No, not yet.

Alice: Any puffiness around his cheeks?

Bobby: No, not yet.

Alice: Well, just to be on the safe side, he really ought to stay away from everybody until he knows for sure.

Bobby: Until he knows for sure, huh.

Alice: Yeah, he doesn’t want to go around giving everybody the mumps.

Bobby: Oh, no. I mean, he wouldn’t want to do that. Thanks.

(Bobby is in the bathroom gargling. Then he gets a tape measure to measure his neck. Peter comes in.)

Peter: What are ypou measuring your neck for?

Bobby: Uh, I just want to see how thick it was getting.

Peter: It will never be as thick as your head.

Bobby: Very funny.

Peter (coming closer): Let me measure your head.

Bobby (running away): No, don’t get near me.

Peter: What’s wrong?

Bobby: I don’t want you to mess up my hair.

(He runs into the bathroom.)

Peter: I think your hair is growing on the insid eof your head, and it’s tickling your brain.

(Next, the rest of the family is about to practice the Charleston.)

Carol: Okay gang, this is our final dress rehearsal. Now remember, the important thing about the Charleston is not to kick anybody. (to Mike) Especially you. So spread out, come on.

Mike: Okay. (He realizes Bobby is not with them) Hold it, where’s Bobby?

Peter: He’s upstasirs. He said he doesn’t like the Charleston.

Jan: He’ll be sorry tomorrow night when the music starts.

(Greg turns the record on and they start dancing.)

Mike: Remember the trick is never to let your feet leave your legs.

Cindy: Wow, this is fun.

(Bobby comes out and watches from the top of the stairs.)

Alice: I feel like a field goal kicker in the Super Bowl.

Mike: 22 Skidoo.

Marcia: 23, Dad.

(They show the family doing many dance antics. Bobby goes inside to call Milliscent.)

Bobby (on the phone): Hello, Milliscent, hi, this is Bobby Brady.

Milliscent: Oh, hi Bobby. How are ypou feeling?

Bobby: So far, so good. Are you swollen or anything?

Milliscent: Not yet?

Bobby: Well, are you sure you got the mumps?

Milliscent: I won’t know for sure until tomorrow morning when the doctor comes over.

Bobby: Well, call me as soon as you can in the morning, will you?

Milliscent: By 10 o’clock, okay.

Bobby: Don’t forget, because I’m in a tough spot.

Milliscent: You shouldn’t have kissed me so quick, Bobby. I didn’t have a chance to tell you anything.

Bobby: Those darn skyrockets.

Milliscent: Huh?

Bobby: Never mind, talk to you tomorrow. Bye. (He hangs up and says to himself) I guess I’ll just have to stay away from evberybody till tomorrow morning.

(That evening, Carol goes into the boys’ room to check on them. Peter is sleeping while Carol finds a football jersey and helmet in Bobby’s bed.)

Carol: Peter (she turns the light on) Peter, wake up.

Peter: Huh?

Carol: Where’s Bobby?

Peter: He’s sleeping.

Carol: Oh, no he isn’t. He’s not in his bed.

Peter: He was.

Carol (running into her room): Mike, Mike, Bobby’s gone.

Mike: What do you mean gone?

Carol: Well, he made up his bed to look like he was in it but he isn’t there.

Mike: We better take a look around.

Greg (coming in): What’s all the excitement?

Carol: Bobby’s gone.

Greg: Gone?

Mike: Greg, did you see him downstairs?

Greg: No, I was watching the late show.

Carol: Do you suppose he could’ve run away, Mike?

Mike: Let’s go take a look and see if his bicycle’s there. Come on.

Carol: Come on, Peter.

(They go outside and check the back yard.)

Carol: Are you sure you boys didn’t have a fight with Bobby?

Greg: Not me.

Peter: Me either, but he sure’s been acting weird.

Mike: What do you mean weird?

Peter: He kept on looking at himself in the mirror, I mean, like, all the time.

Greg (turning the garage light on): His bike’s stil here.

Carol: Well, that’s a good sign.

Peter: He could have hitchhiked away, or walked, or maybe even rollerskated.

Mike (sarcastically): We appreciate your optimism, Peter.

Carol (to Mike): Honey, why don’t we check the neighborhood.

Greg: We don’t know how long he’s been gone.

Peter: Yeah, he could be miles away by now, mybe in another state.

Mike: You brought us enough good news for one night, Peter.

Greg: Dad, do you hear music?

Mike: Yes, I do.

Peter: Me too.

Carol: Hey, it seems to be coming from over there.

(They go over to the doghouse, where Bobby is hiding an dlistening to his radio. Mike pulls him out.)

Bobby: I guess you’re all probably wondering what I’m doing out here, huh?

Carol: Well, the question has crossed our minds.

Mike: And I hope the answer’s a good one or you’re really gonna be in the doghouse.

(Next, Bobby is inside explaining the situation to Mike and Carol.)

Carol: Bobby, for your first kiss, did you have to pick a girl with the mumps.

Bobby: I didn’t exactly pick her, she kissed me first.

Mike (laughing): Women’s lib starts early.

Carol: Well, didn’t you notice that her face was swollen?

Bobby: It wasn’t. Besides, I was too busy watching the skyrockets.

Carol: Skyrockets?

Mike: Yeah, I’ll explain thta one later.

Carol: Well, honey, we really appreciate you trying to protect us, but I sure wish you would’ve told us about it.

Bobby: Greg and Peter would’ve laughed me right out of town.

Mike: Well, now you’re gonna have to laugh your way all the way to the doctor’s office for a checkup.

Carol: You know, Mike, this may be going through the school. We may have all the kids going for a checkup. Well, it’s a lucky thing you and I both had the mumps.

Mike: Well, honey, only one of us is lucky and it ain’t me.

Carol: You mean, you never had the mumps?

Bobby: Well, Milliscent isn’t positive she’s got the mumps. Not until she sees her doctor?

Mike: When’s that?

Bobby: Tomorrow morning. She’s gonna call me when she knows for sure.

Carol: Well, I guess we’ll just have to wait for a call from Milliscent.

Bobby: Mom, Dad, I’m really sorry.

Mike: Oh, that’s okay, son. If you had to get the mumps, you got them the best way you could get them.

(The next morning, Bobby is anxiously awaiting a call from Milliscent, while at the breakfast table with Carol, mie, and the girls.)

Bobby: What time is it, Dad?

Mike: It’s about one minut elater than the last time you asked.

Cindy: Milliscent sure has a slow doctor.

Jan: By now, Marcus welby could’ve cured five diseases and done brain surgery.

Alice: More pancakes, anybody?

Carol: Thanks, Alice.

Bobby: Who can eat at a time like this?

Carol: Bobby, not eating isn’t gonna make the phone ring any faster. Come on.

Marcia: Of all the things I don’t need right now, it’s the mumps.

Cindy: Yeah, and if we do get them it’ll be all Bobby’s fault.

Bobby: My fault? Milliscent’s your friend.

Cindy: Yes, but I don’t go around kissing her.

Bobby (angry): That’s supposed to be a secret.

Cindy: Well, you made me say it.

Marcia: Is that what the secret was?

Jan: Did you really kiss Milliscent?

Bobby: Only for an experiment. (They all laugh) Now, the whole neighborhood is gonna know. That’s what happens to a guy with three sisters.

Mike: okay, you guys, cool it.

(The phone rings. Bobby frantically answers it.)

Bobby: Do you have the mumps or don’t you? Oh, it’s you, Sam. Yeah, she’s right here. It’s for you, Alice.

Marcia: Alice, could you please make it quick?

Alice: Yeah, I will. (She get son the phone) look, Sam, I can’t talk to you right now, they’re expecting a very important phone call. A special on lamb chops, how much? That, they must still have the wool on them. Better bring some over,. Oh, and if there’s a quarantine sign on the door, just drop them and run. (She hangs up) Sorry, when I get a sale on meat, I flip out.

(The phone rings again and Bobby answers.)

Bobby: Hello. (to the family) It’s Milliscent. (to Milliscent) Do you or don’t you? Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, thanks, bye.

(He hangs up.)

Marcia: Well?

Bobby: That was Milliscent.

Jan: We know that.

Cindy: Yeah, what did she say?

Bobby: Well, it was kind of private.

Carol: How can the mumps be private?

Bobby: The part where she said I was a good kisser is private.

Mike: Yes, but what about the mumps?

Bobby: She doesn’t have them.

(The family rejoices and the girls get up to leave.)

Bobby: See you later.

Carol: Hey, come back here. Where you going?

Bobby: Milliscent said I should come over. But don’t worry, Dad. We’re not thinking about marriage yet.

Mike: Yeah, well there is sometihng you should be thinking about, you know. All the problems you could’ve caused by hiding the fact that you’ve been exposed to the mumps.

Carol: Honey, don’t ever be afraid to come and tell us something.

Bobby: I get the message.

Mike: Good.

Bobby: Now can I go see Milliscent?

Mike: Go.

Bobby: thanks.

(He runs off.)

Carol: Boy, he can’t seem to get over those skyrockets, can he.

Mike: Yeah, magic of youth. Too bad we grow up and lose it.

Carol: Who said we have to lose it?

(She reaches over to him and they kiss. They both see skyrockets as a result.)

Mike: Wow.

Carol: Skyrockets?

Mike: Oh, yeah, you too?

Carol: Definitely.

(They kiss again.)

Alice: I don’t know what the calendar says, but around here it’s the fourth of July.

(The scene fades away.)

(The final scene has the family returning home from the Roaring 20s party. Carol sends the kids off to bed.)

Carol: Alice, I think it’s fantastic that you and Sam won the prize for the Charleston contest.

Alice: Well, you know, folks, I’m not really sure we won it fair and square.

Mike: Why not, you’re both great dancers?

Alice: I have a confession to make, Sam isn’t that good.

Mike: He sure looked great.

Alice: Yeah, and to make sure he did, just before the music started, I dropped a few ice cubes down his back.


S5 E3 Snow White And The Seven Bradys

Snow White And The Seven Dwarves

Written by Ben Starr

The Bradys put on a play for Cindy’s retiring teacher. Hope you enjoy the script.













(The episode begins with Carol and Cindy coming home from a meeting at Cindy’s school. Carol gets out of the car but Cindy stays in.)

Carol: Come on, Cindy.

Cindy: Couldn’t I stay out here for three days?

Carol: Uh, stop stalling.

(She opens the car door.)

Cindy: Mom, can’t we make a deal?

Carol: Listen, I’m not Monty Hall. Besides, making a deal is what got us into all this trouble. Now come on.

Cindy (getting out): You sure you ouldn’t like me to mow the lawn?

Carol: No.

Cindy: Wash the car?

Carol: No. I want you to march straight in that house, and tell your father, what you did.

Cindy: How about if I phone it to him, like, from Florida.

Carol: Come on, Cindy.

(She takes her by the arm and they walk into the house.)

Cindy: How could a little kid like me have such a big mouth?

Carol: Good question.

(The next scene has Mike in his den. Carol and Cindy come in.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Oh, hi. How was the meeting at school?

Carol: Cindy, why don’t you tell your father how the meeting was?

Cindy: Dad, I got great news.

Carol: Great?

Cindy: Well, that’s better than saying it’s awful news.

Mike: Uh, oh, come on, what is it?

Cindy: Well, see, it’s about my teacher, Mrs. Whitfield. And you see, she’s retiring, and everybody loves her so much, that they all want to buy her a special gift.

Mike: Well, that’s very nice of everybody, what’s the gift?

Carol: Well, it’s something Mrs. Whitfield always wanted. A set of first edition books that costs $200.

Mike: How much of my money did you pledge?

Cindy: Not a cent. Isn’t thta terrific?

Carol: Yes, now, tell him the not so terrific part.

Cindy: Well, I had an idea how to raise the $200.

Carol: Go ahead and tell him what the idea is.

Cindy: By putting on a play, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Mike: Oh, I get it, and you told them your father was an architect and he’d build the set story, is that right?

Cindy: Half right.

Mike (suspicious): Is it the other half I have to look out for?

Cindy: Yeah, well, see, it sort of seems you’re in the play.

Mike (shocked): In the play?

Carol: it sort of seems like the whole family is in the play.

Cindy: dad, you got a great part, you’re Prince Charming.

Carol: Oh, and guess who is Snow White.

Mike: I don’t have time to be in the play.

Cindy: Well, it’s just a little part.

Mike: I thought you said it was a great part.

Cindy: Well, it’s a great little part.

Mike (to Carol): Where were you when all this was going on? Couldn’t you stop her?

Carol: I was right there, but, when she told everybody that we’d do it, well, they all stood up and applauded, and they said they’d get a theater, sell tickets, anything. Well, how could I back out?

Cindy: Daddy.

(She gives him a pleading look.)

Mike: Okay.

Cindy (pleased): Oh, thank you.

(She kisses his cheek.)

Mike: Yes, but if you want your brothers and sisters to be in this play, now, you’re gonna have to ask them for yourself.

Cindy: Okay.

(Cindy is upstairs talking to Jan.)

Jan: Me? Play one of the seven dwarves.

Cindy: You like Mrs. Whitfield, don’t you?

Jan: Sure, she was my favorite teacher, she was Marcia’s favorite teacher too. I think she was even Mom’s favorite teacher.

Cindy: Boy, she’s been teaching since the olden days.

Jan: You better not say that around Mom.

Cindy: Will you help me with the play?

Jan: Sure, if I can be Dopey.

Cindy: Well, you can’t be Dopey?

Jan: Why not?

Cindy: I’m saving that part for someone special.

Jan: Who?

Cindy: Me.

(She knocks on the bathroom door, where marcia is.)

Marcia: Come in.

Cindy (entering): Marcia, how….

Marcia: Sure, Cindy, anything for good old Mrs. Whitfield.

Cindy: Oh, thanks.

Marcia: Except I wanna play Dopey instead of you.

Cindy: How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?

Marcia: Thin walls.

(She next goes up to Greg’s room in the attic. She knocks on the door.)

Greg: Come in.

Cindy: Gee, Greg, this room in the attic sure is neat. I love the way you fixed it up, and Alice will love…

Greg; Cindy, you don’t have to butter me up. I’ll be glad to help out Mrs. Whitfield.

Cindy: Thanks.

Greg: But I want to play Dopey instead of you.

Cindy: How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?

Greg (ponting down): Thin floors.

(She knocks on Peter and Bobby’s door. Peter answers.)

Peter: Sure, Cindy, anything for Mrs. Whitfield. As long as I get to play Dopey.

Bobby: That goes for me, too, but I want to play Dopey.

(He and Peter start to argue over the part of Dopey as Cindy leaves.)

Cindy (to herself): Snow White and the Seven Dopeys?

(She goes downstairs to see Alice.)

Cindy: Alice, how wouild you like a nice, big, juicy part in my play?

Alice: I’d love to, can I play Dopey?

Cindy: That part’s already taken, six times.

Alice: What do you have left?

Cindy: The Wicked Queen.

Alice: You got yourself a deal. If I can’t be a wacky dwarf, I’ll be a wicked queen. ha,ha,ha,ha,ha.

Cindy: That was good, thanks, Alice.

(Next,. the kids are all in the family room. Carol comes in with a hat. The hat has a bunch of slips in it with the name of one of the dwarves.)

Carol: Okay, kids. In this hat are the names of the seven dwarves. And what you pick is what you get.

(The kids all protest loudly.)

Mike: Okay, hold it now, you heard your mother. Hey, pick.

Carol (to Cindy): Okay, you first.

(Cindy looks inside the hat for Dopey but Carol pushes it toward her face. Cindy picks.)

Cindy: Grumpy.

Bobby (picking next): Bashful.

Marcia: Sleepy.

Greg: Be there Dopey, baby. (He picks) Doc.

Carol (to Jan): Come on.

Jan: Happy.

Carol (to Peter): Keep smiling.

Peter: I’m seven and a quarter.

Mike: Quit clowning and pick a name there.

Jan: Pete’s the only one left, he has to be Dopey.

(Alice comes by throught he kitchen.)

Greg: Hey, wait a minute, there’s seven dwarves and there’s only six of us. So there’s still two slips of paper left.

Carol: Hey, Greg’s right. We’re short one child.

Mike: If that’s a hint, forget about it.

(Peter takes his name picking a slip.)

Carol: Ah, we’ll be here all day.

Marcia: Really.

Peter: Sneezy.

Carol: Hey, we still need somebody to play Dopey.

Marcia: We can’t do Snow White and the six dwarves.

Alice: We’ll just have to find an outsider to play Dopey.

(At that moment, Sam knocks on the door with a delivery. Alice answers.)

Sam: Hi, Alice. I brought your order.

Alice: Sam, have I got a part for you.

Sam: Hmm?

Alice: Welcome to show business.

(Mike comes home in the next scene and sees the guys working on props for the play.)

Peter: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hey, boys.

Greg (showing him a tree he made): How’s this for a tree?

Mike: Hey, now, that looks pretty good. Of course, if you want an expert opinion, you’ll have to talk to the three poodles next door.

(He walks off and goes inside the house. Carol is in the family room, knitting.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart. (He kisses her) How’s the costume department coming along?

Carol: Oh, not too bad. I’m just reinforcing the seat of Sneezy’s pants so they won’t split when he sneezes.

(We next see Alice rehearsing while she cooks.)

Alice (laughing) : Mirror, mirror, that I see, is there anyone prettier than me? (to Mike) How is that?

Mike: Wicked, Alice, wicked.

(Alice mistakenly puts the mirror in the soup.)

Alice: Mirror, mirror in my (she realizes her mistake() soup?

(Later on, Carol and Cindy are downstairs in the living room. Mike comes down the stairs.)

Mike: Everybody’s ready for rehearsal?

Carol: Just waiting for you, Prince Charming, and a half dozen dwarves.

(The phone rings.)

Mike: Hello. Yes, if you’ll hang on for just a second, I’ll let you speak to the lady who’s handling the arrangemants. Cindy, it’s Mr. Gunther, the gentlemen with the theater.

Cindy: Hi, Mr. Gunther. Yeah, that’s right, this Saturday. (She starts to get upset) Well, that’s when it is! But Mr. Gunther, they put in tickets already! And (Pause) No, I guess it’s not your fault, bye.

(She hangs up the phone and looks upset.)

Mike: What’s the matter?

Cindy: I thought I told them this Saturday. But I guess I made a mistake. We can’t have the theatrer, it’s rented.

Carol: Oh, Cindy.

Cindy (very upset): I already told Mrs. Whitfield about the big day for her, and we ordered the books for her! And now it’s ruined and it’s all my fault!

(She runs upstairs and the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Cindy in her room moping. Carol comes in to speak to her.)

Carol: Cindy. (He sits on the bed with her) Hey, you know, I never thought you were a quitter.

Cindy: Who’s a quitter?

Carol: Well, it looks like you are. You know, you accepted a big responsibility and now you’re just dropping it.

Cindy: But there’s no place to put the play on. What can I do?

Carol: Listen, I’m not sure what you can do. But we cna all put our heads together and try to think of something.

Cindy (looking up): Maybe we cna do it with one big head, huh.

Carol: Well, we just might. No problem was ever solved by crawling into a hole.

Cindy: Then I guess I better crawl out, huh.

Carol: That would be a good start. Now, come on, Grumpy.

(Greg is on the phone, trying to find a theater.)

Greg: We need a theater next Saturday, Mr. Fiske. How much? Oh, well, it’s sort of for charity. I see, you already gave at the office. Thanks anyway.

(Alice gets on the telephone.)

Alice: Hello, oh, hi, Sam.

Sam: Hey, Alice. I had an idea about a theater for you.

Alice: You did?

Sam: Yep, and it’s a place you can use for free.

Alice: Sounds like our kind of place, where is it?

Sam: Well, it’s not exactly a thearter, it’s more like a warehouse.

Alice: Any port in a storm, Sam.

Sam: Well, there’s just one thing you got to do before you can use it.

Alice: What’s that?

Sam: You got to wait until the temperature to go up 80 degrees and then move and then move all the frozen caucuses out of the meat locker.

Alice: Thanks, anyway, Sam. But keep trying.

(Mike and Carol are in the den.)

Mike: Carol.

Carol: What is it, honey?

Mike: I think I figured out where we can put on the play.

Carol: Oh, Mike, that’s terrific. You know, I know now why I married you. You are a genius. Where?

Mike: Right in the backyard. (He shows her his plan) Look, this harbor with a little extension would make a great stage and there’s enough room for an audience there.

Carol: That is terrific, Mike. You know, you’re not just an ordinary one in a million genuis. You are super gene.

(She kisses him.)

Mike: Yeah, that’s not what i would’ve said, though. And I’m glad you did.

Cindy (leaning through the door): Good night. I’m going to bed now. My head is tired of thinking.

Carol: Honey, you don’t have to think anymore. Your Dad has solved the whole problem. We can put on the play.

Cindy (excited): Where?

Mike: Right in the backyard. There’s enough room for a stage and an audience.

Cindy: Oh, Dad, you’re a genuis!

Mike: Well, it seems to be the general concensus around here.

Carol: Well, listen, we got a lot of work to do, so you bette rget a good night sleep.

Cindy: Who can sleep now? I’ll tell the others.

(She runs out of the den.)

Mike: You know, there is a lot to do. I got to clean out the backyard, haul in the chairs, build that stage extension, rig a P.A. system and finish the sets.

Carol: Well, Mike, look on the brightside. You got a whole day and a half to do it in. (He laughs) Besides, you’re a genius, remember.

Mike: True.

(We next see Alice helping Marcia and Jan at the dinner table, making curtains.)

Alice: Have we got enough bedsheets here for the stage curtain?

Jan: No, I think we need one more.

Alice: Okay, well I’ll go and get it. (She gets up but the tablecloth, which was attached to her, goes with her. The girls stop her) I hope I do better in the show business than I’ve done in the sew business.

(Cindy is in the back with Mike and the boys. She hands Mike the system and he hangs it. Greg sees Peter sawing a table.)

Greg: Come on with that thing, would you?

(Peter cuts it in half and Greg takes one half. Mike looks in disbelief as Alice come sout with a trayful of drinks.)

Alice: How about a cooling off break, men.

(Cindy and the guys take a drink and thank Alice. She brings a drink to Mike.)

Alice: Oh, that stage looks great already, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Alice, you ain’t seen notihng yet.

(Next, the play is about to go on. Carol is looking out the window and then Mike comes to join her. They are both in costume.)

Mike: You’re counting the house, honey?

Carol: I’m counting the house and my pulse. You know, I got opening day jitters.

Mike: Oh, relax, Snow White. You’re going to be a smash. Besides, what can go wrong now?

(Alice comes in to talk to them.)

Alice: Mr. Brady, Mr. Brady. Mr. Brady!

Mike: I had to ask.

Alice: I made the most terrible goof.

Mike: Oh, what is it, Alice?

Alice: Well, when I was rehearsing this morning I ate the most important prop in the play. My poison apple that I had to give to Snow White.

Carol: We had a whole bag of apples.

Alice: I know, but I rehearsed an awful lot. You don’t suppose the audience would settle for a poison banana.

Mike: No, Alice, I don’t. Look, there’s plenty of time left. I’ll go to the market.

Carol: Well, hurry Mike, hurry.

Mike: Right.

(Sam is in the living room rehearsing his part of Dopey.)

Sam: Duh, I remember which way we live.

Mike: Sam.

Sam: Duh, somebody call my name.

Mike: Is your truck parked out front?

Sam: Yeah, why?

Mike: Because I need a lift to the market fast.

Sam: Sure thing, Mr. Brady.

(They leave for the market. Mike gets out.)

Mike: I’ll only be a minute, Sam.

Sam: I won’t move an inch.

(A police officer comes over to him.)

Policeman: Move it.

Sam: Oh, hi officer.

Policeman: You’re parked in a rear zone, buddy.

Sam: Yeah, well, we’ll be right out in a jiffy.

Policeman: You got your operator’s license?

Sam (reaching his pockets): Yeah, I got it right here somewhere.

Policeman: Maybe you better step out here and show it to me.

Sam: Oh, okay, sure.

(He gets out of the truck and the officer notices his costume.)

Policeman: Did anybody ever tell you your Mommy dresses you funny?

Sam: Hmm, oh, ha, ha. I better explain, you see, I’m Dopey.

Policeman: I figured that out.

(Mike comes back with an apple.)

Mike: Hi there, officer.

Policeman: Who are you supposed to be?

Mike: I’m prince Charming.

Policeman: You got an identification, prince, or did you leave it at the palace?

Mike: I’m Mike Brady, they know me at the market.

Sam: Officer, we got to get back with the poison apple.

Policeman: Poison?

Mike (taking the apple out of the bag): Yeah, it’s for the wicked queen.

Policeman (sarcastically): I can’t wait to hear the rest of this.

Mike: You see, we’re doing a play, Snow White, and we forgot the poison apple.

Policeman: Yeah, I figured it wa ssome kind of costume. Okay, get going.

Sam: Oh, thank you.

Policeman: Hey, by the way, in case my kids want to see the show, what theater are you playing in?

Mike: Oh, it isn’t in a theater, it’s in the backyard.

Policeman: Your backyard?

Mike: Yeah.

Policeman: You charge admission?

Mike: Oh, sure, we’ree trying to raise money.

Policeman: I assume you have a city permit.

Mike: Permit?

Policeman: You got to have a permit.

Mike: We, uh, kind of forgot the permit.

(Back at the house, Bobby loks outside at the crowd.)

Bobby: The neighbors are getting restless, Mom.

Carol: I can’t imagine what happened to your father and Sam.

Cindy; We can’t start without Dopey, he’s in the first scene.

Carol: Oh, get ready, everybody.

Marcia: What are we gonna do?

Carol: Oh, I don’t know, just get ready, I’ll try to stall. I don’t know.

(Carol goes out to face the audience.)

Carol: Hello. (Everyone in the audience applauds) Welcome, welcome to our show. Uh, now, uh, before the curtains open, I would like you to meet the celebrity who is responsible for bringing all of us together. She’s everybody’s favorite teacher, Mrs. Whitfield.

(Mrs. Whirtfield rises and faces the audience. they applaud for her. She sits down.)

Carol (nervously): Now, uh, I’d like to tell you a couple more things about…

(Mike and Sam finally arrive back. The audience turns around.)

Mike: Hi, folks. Funny thing happened to me on the way to the market.)

Carol: Thank goodness. Oh, thank you nall for being so patient. And now, we’d like to give you our versiuon of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

(The curtains open.)

All kids and Sam (singing): Hi ho, hi ho, it’s home from work we go. (They whistle) Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go (they whistle again) hi ho, hi ho.

(Sam (Dopey) stops.)

Greg (Doc): What did you stop for, Dopey?

Sam(Dopey) : Duh, I forgot which way we live, Doc.

Jan (Happy) and Cindy (Grumpy) (pointing in different directions): We live that way.

Marcia (Sleepy): Can’t we get going, it’s time for my nap, I’m Sleepy.

Peter (Sneezy): I’m catching a cold.

(He pretends to sneeze. The audience laughs.)

Bobby (Bashful): I know which way we live.

Doc: Which way, Bashful?

Bobby (Bashful): I’m too Bashful to tell you.

(He pretends to laugh.)

Sam (Dopey): Hey, I remember which way. We follow the yellow brick road.

Cindy (Grumpy): That’s in the wizard of oz.

Sam (Dopey): So, don’t follow the yellow brick road.

(The audience laughs and they wlak off stage singing th ehi ho song.)

(Alice has the next scene as the Wicked Queen.)

Alice (Queen): Mirror, mirror, that I see, is there anyone fairer than me? You know what your answer had better be.

(Mike is using a microphone from the garage, acting as the mirror.)

Mike: Ah, my fair queen.

Alice (Queen): That’s better, speak.

Mike: Ah, my queen, Snow White as far out and youthful. More beautiful than you, I got to be truthful.

Alice (Queen): Snow White! Who is Snow White? Where is Snow White?

(Carol, as Snow White, appears on the stage, throwing confetti around.)

Carol (Snow White): Did somebody drop the name, Snow White?

Alice (Queen) (to the mirror): Is that her? The freaky looking kid?

Mike: You bet your nylon wig, ain’t she out of sight?

Alice (Queen): Bite your tongue, mirror.

Carol (Snow White): Madam, what a strange mirror you have. (She giggles) Did you wish to see me, your royal wickedness?

Alice (Queen): Yes, ugly child. Come, let us take a little stroll through the woods.

Carol (Snow White): The woods? Don’t hungry, wild animals live in the woods?

Alice (Queen): I certainly hope so.

(The next scene has them walking through the woods.)

Carol (Snow White): Listen to all those wild, hungry animals.

(Mike has all the kids and Sam making sounds of wild animals.)

Alice (Queen): Yeah, I just remembered I forgot something. I’ll be back later.

Carol (Snow White): Oh, no, oh, you wickedness, don’t leave me alone, I’m afraid.

(The kids are still making animal sounds on the microphone in the garage. The wicked queen takes out an apple.)

Alice (Queen): Here, eat this while I’m gone. It will calm you down, way down.

Carol (Snow White): Oh, you are so kind.

Alice (Queen): Let me be among the first to say, good-bye, Snow White.

(She laughs and goes off the stage.)

Carol (Snow White): Isn’t she sweet? (She bites the apple and then falls. The dwarves come on the stage.)

All kids and Sam (singing): Hi ho, hi ho, it’s home from work we go. (They whistle) Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho.

(Dopey notices Snow White on the ground and stops.)

Greg (Doc): Would you stop doing that, Dopey?

Sam (Dopey): Duh, but look, Doc.

(They notice her and respond in their own ways. Doc goes to check her.)

Bobby (Bashful): What’s the matter with her, Doc?

Greg (Doc): Either my stethoscope has stopped working, or she has. Nope, I’m afraid she’s

(He makes a sound to mean she’s dead. Dopey makes the same sound and he does again.)

Sam (Dopey): Duh, poor lady.

Jan (Happy): It’s so sad I can cry.

(Prince Charming comes out with a horse.)

Mike (Prince Charming): Hi there, I was just passing through and I saw your group. I thought it was a luau. (He notices Snow White) Oh, what a vision of loveliness. Is this damsel in distress?

Marcia (Sleepy): The worst kinds.

Bobby (Bashful): She’s (sound meaning dead).

(Prince Charming makes the same sound and she wakes up a little and does it as well.)

Mike (Prince Charming): It’s the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen. (He moves a little closer to her) I will kiss her.

Greg (Doc): As a doctor, I assure you that will do no good.

Mike (Prince Charming): It couldn’t hurt. (He gets down and goes to give her a kiss) I can’t reach you. (She lifts her head, she asks her to move a little more, then he kisses her. She wakes up.)

Carol (Snow White): Ooh, I must have dozed off. Who are you?

Mike (Prince Charming): I am Prince Charming.

Carol (Snow White): Oh, was thta you who kissed me or yiur horse?

Mike (Prince Charming): Huh?

Carol (Snow White): Just answer with a yay, or a niiiii.

(Mike laughs and so do all the kids.)

Greg (Doc): Somebody give her another bite of that apple.

Mike (Prince Charming): Oh no, this lady shall come with me to my palace, and be my princess.

(The kids help her get up.)

Carol (Snow White): Oh, you know, I think I better walk. I don’t believe there’s room for me and your horse.

(He laughs and they take off.)

Jan (Happy): I love happy endings.

Cindy (Grumpy): I hate happy endings.

(The kids get off the stage and take Mrs. Whitfield by the hand. They sing the hi ho song with the audience joining in. Then they give her the gift and kiss her good-bye. The audience gives a standing ovation as the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Sam and Alice talking about the play over coffee.)

Alice: I sure am a sucker for a happy ending.

Sam: Ditto. Mrs. Whitfield sure did appreciate the play and the books and everything, didn’t she.

Alice: I was thinking more along the line of Prince charming marrying Snow White.

Sam: Are you hinting, Alice?

Alice: Who? Me?

Sam: That’s okay. I’m a fellow who can take a hint. Let me put it this way.

Alice: Yes?

Sam: When you get to be Snow White, and I get to be Prince Charming, I’ll consider it.

Alice: Seems fair.,

(They raise their cups and take a sip.)


S5 E2 Mail Order Hero

Mail Order Hero

Written by Martin Ragaway

Bobby tells his friends he knows Joe Namath. Now they want him to introduce them when he comes into town for an upcoming game. I hope you enjoy the script.












HERB KELLER, Joe’s agent

ERIC, Bobby’s friend

TOM, another friend

BURT, another friend

(The episode begins with Bobby sleeping. he dreams that he and Joe Namath are playing football in the backyard. )

Bobby: Okay Joe, we only have time for one more play. We need 6 big ones to win. This is it, Joe.

Joe: You mean, the bomb?

Bobby (nodding): The bomb.

Joe: Okay, on two. Ready? (Bobby goes to throw him a pass) 98, 77, 203, 207, 74, 2.

(Bobby throws the ball to Joe and then runs. The guys on the other team try to stop him, but Bobby gets past them. Joe throws the ball to Bobby, who jumps 6 feet in the air to catch it. He then makes a touchdown.)

Joe (screaming): Hey, Bobby, all right. Nice going, Bobby! (He runs over and picks Bobby up in a bear hug) Hey, Bobby, al right! I don’t know how I got along without you!

Bobby: Neither do I!

(Bobby’s dream ends and he is smiling in his sleep. the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Bobby and his friends playing football in the back yard.)

Burt: You know something, my Dad’s cousin was on the same plane with Hank Aaron all the way from Chicago.

Bobby: Yeah.

Tom: That’s nothing. I know someone who knows Lee Trevino’s caddy.

Eric: That’s nothing either. My Dad rode on the same elevator with Wilt Chamberlain. and he stood right next to him.

Bobby: Right next to him?

Eric: Sure. My dad’s shoulder was rubbing up right against Wilt Chamberlain’s knee. (to Bobby): Hey, you don’t know anybody important, do you?

Bobby: Sure I do.

Burt: Who?

Bobby: Well, I don’t like to brag. Let’s play some more.

Burt: Who?

Bobby: Joe Namath.

Burt: The New York Jets quarterback?

Tom: You know Joe Namath?

Bobby: Sure, I know him alot.

Burt: How much is a lot?

Bobby: Well, he always has dinner at our house, whenever he’s in town.

Tom: Could we meet him sometime?

Burt: Could we, please?

Bobby: Sure, next time he’s in town, why not. (Cindy comes outside with the garbage) Time to wash up for dinner, right, Cindy?

Cindy: Dinner’s not for another two hours.

Bobby: Well, I like to avoid the rush, you know. 6 kids, 1 bathroom.

Eric: Hey, listen, you must be really excited about next week, huh.

Bobby: Why?

Eric: Well, Joe Namath and the Jets are playing an exhibition game here in town.

Bobby: Next week?

Eric: Yeah.

Bobby: Oh, that’s right.

Burt: Wow, we’ll get to meet Joe Namath.

Tom: I’m gonna go tell my Dad.

(They all say good-bye to Bobby and run off.)

Bobby: Yeah, bye.

(He starts to hear what was said in his head. We take you to Greg’s room in th eattic, where he and Peter are studying.)

Greg: this is a good composition, Pete. How come you got a C-?

Peter: read the last line.

Greg (reading): If George Washington never told a lie, how come he got so far in politics?

(They both laugh. Bobby comes upstairs.)

Bobby: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Bobby: Hey, listen guys, how would you like to have Joe Namath over for dinner.

Peter: Hey, that be fantastic.

Greg: When is he coming?

Bobby: Well, that depends.

Peter: On what?

Bobby: On, either one of you know him?

Greg: Have you flipped? What makes you think we know Joe Namath?

Bobby: Well, you guys are older and you have more time to meet people. I’m desperate.

Greg: Okay Bobby, come on, give. What happened?

Bobby: Well, all the guys were bragging about knowing superstars.

Peter: And you were stupid enough to say you know Joe Namath?

Bobby: I was even stupider. I told them he has dinner at our house, when he’s in town.

Greg: Which will be next week at that expedition game.

Bobby: Yeah, what do you think I ought to do?

Peter: Well, if you ever thought about running away and joining the circus, now would be a good time.

Greg: Look, you only got two choices, Bobby. Either you tell the truth, or you produce Joe Namath. (Pause) Well, I’d tell the truth before it gets any worse.

Peter: Right, Honesty is the best policy, especially when nothing else works.

Bobby: Yeah, I guess I had better go phone the guys.

(Bobby leaves. Cindy is downstairs on the telephone.)

Cindy (into the phone): That’s awful, that’s awful, that’s really awful. (Bobby comes down the stairs) Listen, I got to go now, Barbara. Bye. (She hangs up.) (to Bobby) Do you want to hear about a big problem?

Bobby: I got my own problem.

Cindy: This is your own problem.

Bobby: About Joe Namath?

Cindy: Yes. Barbara’s brother Eric and his friends told all their friends about him coming over for dinner here.

Bobby: This time tomorrow it’ll be all over school.

Cindy: I don’t think it’ll take that long.

(She goes up the stairs.)

Bobby (to himself): My entire life is ruined, and I’m not even in high school yet.

(Next, Bobby is in the den explaining his problem to Mike and Carol.)

Mike: Well, how could you say a thing like that?

Bobby: Well, I just opened my mouth and it came out before I can stop it.

Carol: We don’t even Joe Namath, do we, Mike?

Mike: No, we don’t. It looks like you bent the truth a little bit there.

Bobby: Bent it? I made it into a pretzel.

Carol: Well, Bobby, how do you intend to straighten it out?

Bobby: I was planning to phone the guys and explain.

Mike: Well, that’s a step in the right direction.

Bobby: But it’s too late. It’s all over town by now.

Mike: Well, Bob, I wish I knew the man but I don’t.

Bobby: Well, thanks anyway.

(He leaves the den.)

Mike (to Carol): Honey, he has got to learn, that when you bluff, somebody is gonna call you on it.

Carol: Mike, honey, we could try to help him, couldn’t we?

Mike: How?

Carol: Why don’t we invite Joe Namath to dinner.

Mike: That’s an excellent suggestion but one minor flaw. We don’t know the man.

Carol: I’ll bet if you really try, you can think of somebody who does know him.

Mike: Well, let’s see. (Pause) Say, Howard Cosell knows him.

Carol: There, you see, there’s your answer.

Mike: I don’t know Howard Cosell. (Pause) Well, I don’t.

(We take you to the living room. Bobby gets on the phone.)

Bobby: Hello. Nissan stadium. May I speak to Joe Namath, please? Can I leave a message for him when he gets in? Tell him to call Bobby Brady at 555-6161. It’s very important, thanks.

(He hangs up. We next take you to the family room. Jan is practicing first aid on Alice. She is wrapping body wrap around her, which is used for multiple body fractures, with Marcia looking on.)

Alice: When you get to my head, leave a little peek hole so I can find my way back to the pyramid.

Marcia: Anybody who needs that much bandaging isn’t worth saving.

Jan: The manual says, in the case of a double compound fracture in both arms, the victim must be completely immobilized.

Alice: Will you do me a favor the next time you ask me to volunteer for something? Immobilize my big mouth before I can answer.

Marcia: Well, I got to do my homework.

Alice: Come back soon. Visiting hours are from 7 to 9.

Jan: I ran out of bandages. Promise you’ll stay put, okay.

Alice: Cross my heart. If I could reach it.

(At this moment, the phone rings. Alice trieds her best to answer it. It’s Bobby’s friend, Eric.)

Eric (from the other line): Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, is anybody there? Hello.

(Alice finally gets to the phone.)

Alice: Brady residence.

Eric: Could I please speak to Bobby?

Alice: Hold the phone. (she calls) Bobby! Telephone!

Bobby (running in): Is it Joe? What are you doing down there, Alice? (the floor)

Alice: Hit and run Florence Nightingale.

Bobby (grabbing the phone): Hello, this is Bobby Brady speaking.

Eric: Hello, this is Eric. I just heard on the radio that Joe Namath got into town today. Has he called you yet?

Bobby: No, but I got a call in for him.

Eric: Be sure to let us know when we get to meet him.

Bobby: Oh, sure. But listen, Joe might be trying to call me right now. So I better get off the phone. Bye. (He hangs up and starts to leave) See you later, Alice.

Alice: Bobby, help me up!

Bobby: Well, I don’t think i can lift you, Alice.

Alice: Then don’t life me, unwrap me.

(He starts to set Alice free. Meanwhile, the girls are upstairs in their room and Jasn is continuing her first aid assignment.)

Jan: Oh, Cindy, can I borrow your foot?

Cindy: Sure, which one?

Jan: It doesn’t matter. I’m getting real good at this.

Marcia: Wow, what a guy.

Jan: Who?

Marcia: Mike Connors. He’s far out. Listen to what he did. There was a sick little girl in the hospital who wrote to him saying how much she wanted to meet him. And he went 1,200 miles out of his way just to visit her for 5 minutes.

Jan: Just because she was sick?

Marcia: Yeah.

(Jan gives an expression of admiration.)

Cindy: Just because she was sick, huh.

(Later that night, Cindy acts on the idea that gave her. She gets up and writes a letter to Joe Namath.)

Cindy: Dear Mr. Namath, my name is Bobby Brady and I’m 12 years old. I am writing to you because I am very, very sick. One thing i would like more than anything in the whole world is to meet you in person.

(The scene fades away.)

(The next scene has Marcia and Jan leaving for school. They approach Carol in the kitchen.)

Jan: Mom, don’t forget my first aid meeting today is at 3:30.

Carol: Oh, I won’t. I’ll be happy to drive you there, but in no way am I gonna be the victim.

Jan: marcia volunteered to do it.

Marcia: Some volunteer. She wrapped a bandage around my mouth so I couldn’t say no.

Carol (handing them their lunch): Hurry up, or you’re gonna be late.

Marcia: Bub bye.

Carol: See you later. Have a good day.

(Bobby is upstairs in his room. Mike comes in to see him.)

Mike: Say, the risk of sounding like a parent, would you mind telling me why you’re not on your way to school, young man?

Bobby: I feel kind of sick, Dad.

Mike (feeling his head): You don’t have a temperature.

Bobby: Well, sometimes it doesn’t always show. You know I might have a slight case of malaria.

Mike: Would you like to hear my diagnosis? The word is chicken.

Bobby: Like in pox?

Mike: No, just plain chicken. I think you’re afraid to face the boys at school.

Bobby: Some of those guys don’t even think I know Joe Namath, Dad.

Mike: You don’t.

Bobby: Well, I might, someday.

Mike: Well, I think you better get up off of there and head to school. Okay?

Bobby: No, but I’ll do it.

(Meanwhile, Joe goes to see Herb, his manager. He comes into his office.)

Joe: Hello, Herb. Any messages?

Herb: Right on the desk as usual. The way this mail is coming in, looks like you’re gonna need your own zip code.

Joe: Well, don’t knock it, buddy. If it ever stops coming, I’ll need a very large crying towel.

Herb: By the way, Joe, there is a letter that came in I think you ought to read right now.

Joe: what does it say, herb? Go ahead, read it.

Herb (reading): Dear Mr. Namath, my name is Bobby Brady and I’m 12 years old. I am writing to you because I am very, very sick.

Joe: Say, Bobby Brady, I got a phone message here from him, let me see this. (He reads the rest of the letter) Wow, poor kid. This sounds serious. Why don’t you get him on the phone and see if we can stop over after practice.

Herb: Right, Joe.

Joe: Gee, I hope it’s not too late.

(Back at home, Alice has just made some brownies. She is putting them on a plate as Bobby and Cindy come in.)

Alice: Guess what, folks. I got your favorite goodies, brownies, right pout of the oven.

Bobby: No thanks, Alice, I’m not hungry.

Alice (to Cindy): he turned down brownies? that’s like Bob Hope turning down laughs.

Cindy: The kids at school gave him a bad time.

Alice: Oh, poor kid. He had to tell them he didn’t know Joe Namath.

Cindy: No, they gave him such a bad time, he just couldn’t tell them. (The phone rings and Cindy answers) Hello.

Herb (on the other line): Is this the home of Bobby Brady?

Cindy: Yes. This is his sister, Cindy.

Herb: I’m herb Keller. Publicity manager for the exhibition football game.

Cindy (excited): You mean the one with Joe Namath? (She gets very thrilled) You got the letter, huh!

Herb: Yes. How is your brother feeling?

Cindy: Oh, awful. He just turned down his favorite dessert, brownies!

Herb: That’s too bad. His letter almost broke Joe’s heart.

Cindy (extremely pleased): That’s wonderful! (she realizes her mistake) I mean, that’s very sad.

(She smiles after her statement.)

Herb: Joe would like to drop by today about 5:30 to see Bobby. Will that be all right?

Cindy: That would be super!

Herb: Good, see you then, Cindy. Bye.

Cindy; Bye.

(She hangs up and runs upstairs to tell Bobby.)

Alice: Hey, hey, hey, what was that all about?

Cindy: Wrong number.

(Cut to Bobby’s room. He is sitting at his desk, totally dejected.)

Cindy (running in): Bobby, he’s coming here, he’s coming here!

Bobby: Who is?

Cindy: Joe Namath. Himself, in person!

Bobby: Terrible joke, Cindy.

Cindy: I’m not joking. I wrote a letter and I signed your name to it. So, he’s coming here, this afternoon!

Bobby (suddenly excited): Wow! (he gets up) Hey, wait till I tell Eric, Burt and Tom.

(Cindy stops him.)

Cindy: Wait. Now, the bad news.

Bobby: What bad news?

Cindy: You got to get sick.

Bobby: What? Why?

Cindy: Well, the letter I wrote him kind of gave him the idea that you were very, very sick.

Bobby: Well, what did you write?

Cindy: That you were very, very sick. So you better get sick.

(Downstairs, Alice goes to answer the door. It is none other than Joe Namath. Herb is with him as well.)

Joe: Hello.

(Alice gets ecstatic and is at a loss for words.)

Alice: It’s you, it’s him. You’re Joe Namath!

Joe: Right, right. This is Herb Keller.

Herb: Hello. (She says hi back) Can we come in?

Alice (nodding): Oh, uh, uh, uh, yeah. Please do.

Joe: How’s Bobby feeling.

Alice: Just terrible. But this is gonna be the greatest medicine in the world for him. Just make yourself comfortable and I’ll go get him.

Joe: Can he walk? I mean, you don’t have to carry him or anything, do you?

Alice: Carry him, no.

Herb: Can we go up to his room?

Alice: Uh, uh, sure, if you’d rather. Bobby is going to be tickled to death. (Joe and Herb look at each other surprisingly, while Cindy notices from upstairs) He’ll be so excited, Mr. Namath. He’s just up the stairs, the first door on the right.

Joe: Thank you.

Herb: Thanks.

(Cindy runs in to tell Bobby, who is sitting on his bed in his pajamas.)

Cindy: He’s here, he’s here! Get into bed!

(Bobby gets in bed and lays down. Cindy sits next to him. joe and Herb enter the room.)

Joe: Hello, Bobby.

Bobby (weakly): Hi, Mr. Namath.

Joe: hey, call me Joe.

Bobby: Thanks for coming, Joe. (Cindy nudges him) Oh, this is my sister, Cindy.

Joe: Hello, Cindy.

Cindy: Hi, Joe.

Joe: This is my friend, Herb Keller.

Herb: Hello.

Bobby: Hi.

Joe (to Bobby): So you sound a lot better than you did nin your letter.

Bobby: I do?

(He realizes then starts to moan in pain. Joe and Herb look at each other suspiciously.)

Cindy: One minute he’s fine and the next, he’s awful.

(Downstairs, the phone rings and Alice answers.)

Alice: Brady residence.

(It’s Mike calling from his office.)

Mike: Alice, is Bobby there?

Alice: Yes, but I think he’s pretty busy right now.

Mike: Just tell him I’ve got good news for him.

Alice: Me too, Mr. brady.

Mike: I finally found somebody who knows somebody who knows Joe Namath.

Alice: Me too, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Really, who?

Alice: Me.

Mike: How do you know Joe Namath?

Alice: He just walked in our front door!

Mike: Look, I’ll be right home.

(He hangs up. Meanwhile, Joe is still visiting with Bobby.)

Joe: Is there anything special I can do for you, Bobby?

Bobby: Could you come over for dinner one night, Joe?

Joe: No, I’m afraid not. I have to hop a plane right after the game.

Herb: How about an autographed photo, Bobby. I brought one along for you.

Bobby: (suddenly excited): That would be great!

Cindy: You better lie down. You look weaker.

Joe: what would you like me to say on it, Bobby?

Bobby: To my great friend, Bobby Brady.

Joe (writing down): To my great friend, Bobby Brady.

Bobby: At his house I always have dinner when I’m in town.

Herb (to Joe): You do?

Joe: Whatever he says, Herb.

Bobby: I’m sorry I won’t get a chance to meet some of his friends, (Joe repeats meet some of his friends while writing it down) like Eddie Clark, Tommy Hamner, Todd Crew, Burt Stevens.

Cindy: Give him a chance to catch up.

Joe: There, I’m caught up. Go ahead, Bobby.

Bobby: And especially Eric Cauffer, who refuses to believe I’m really good friends with Bobby Brady.

(Joe writes it all dowmn.)

Joe: That’s all.

Bobby: That’s all. Now you can write whatever you want.

(Carol comes home with Jan and Marcia with good news.)

Carol: Well, Alice, she passed her first aid test with flying bandages.

Jan: I got ten points on my very first try.

Marcia: Now she’s moving up to stretcher bandages.

Alice: Today’s a day for great news, have I got some for you.

Carol: What?

(She motions to her to see Joe, who is going down the stairs with Herb.)

Joe: Hi. (Carol is star struck and then Joe notices the stretcher Jan and Marcia are holding) We barely made it before the stretcher got here.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, this is Joe Namath and Mr. Keller.

(They shake hands.)

Carol: What a pleasure.

Joe: How are you doing?

(Marcia and Jan come to meet him.)

Alice: This is Marcia and Jan Brady.

Marcia and Jan: Hi.

Carol: it was so nice of you to come over here just to see Bobby.

Joe: Well, it was the least we could do, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: You know, you got here in the nick of time. Bobby was just about at the end of his rope.

(Joe and herb look at each other. Mike comes home.)

Mike: Hi, everybody.

Carol: Oh, Mike, (to Joe) this is my husband, Mike. This is Mr. namath and Mr. keller.

(He shakes hands with them both.)

Mike: Very nice to meet you, how do you do, Mr. Keller.

Joe: You really have quite a son there, Mr. Brady.

Herb: This whole thing must be pretty upsetting.

Mike: Well, when you have six kids, something like this is bound to happen to one of them.

Joe: Excuse me, you don’t seem to be taking this very seriously.

Carol: Oh, there’s no reason to get upset over a problem like this.

Mike: How did you find out about this?

Joe: I got this letter form Bobby.

(He hands Mike the letter.)

Carol: Hey, that’s Cindy’s handwriting.

Mike (reading): It says, Dear Mr. Namath, my name is Bobby Brady and I’m 12 years old. I am writing to you because I am very, very, (Pause) very, very sick? (He gets upset over reading Bobby is sick, as does Carol.) Mr. Namath, I’m afraid we owe you an apology. I think the kids are trying to put something over on you.

Joe: You mean Bobby’s not sick?

Carol: Well, he might be when we get through talking to him.

Mike: Yeah.

Alice: he and Cindy must have cooked this up between them, Mr. Namath.

Marcia: You see, Bobby told all his friends that he knew you.

Jan: He even told them you had dinner over here.

(Bobby and Cindy come downstairs. Bobby is in his robe.)

Bobby: Mr. Namath, Cindy and I have been talking it over. And we think you should know something. You see, I’m not really sick. I’m sorry.

Cindy: I’m sorry, too. I wrote the letter, he just moaned and groaned.

Bobby: I guess it wasn’t a very nice thing to do. (They all look at him) You can have your picture back.

Joe: Well, you looked pretty healthy when I talked to you upstairs, Bobby. In fact, I’m glad you’re not sick. And, it’s pretty flattering to have someone want to see me as badly as you wanted to.

Mike: Flattering, maybe, but I think you two are going to be penalized for illegal procedure.

Cindy: Yeah.

Bobby: But, can i still keep the picture.

Joe: You bet you can. And as long as I’m here, why don’t we go throw a few passes together.

Bobby: Wow, that be great.

(Bobby and Joe are outside playing.)

Joe: Okay, Bobby, here comes the bomb. (Bobby runs) Hike. (Bobby catches it and the family and his friends cheer.) Good catch, Bobby, good catch. now listen, I gotta get going.

Bobby: Boy, Joe, this is something I will never forget.

Joe: Well, neither will I. I really enjoyed it, and it was nice meeting all of you. (Marcia hands him his jacket) It was a pleasure, thank you. (He and Mike shake hands) Mr. Brady, you got quite a family.

Mike: Thanks.

Carol: Bubby, Joe, thank you very much.

Joe: Thank you.

\(Bobby goes to his friends.)

Bobby: Listen, guys, i got to tell you something. You see, I never met Joe Namath until today.

(They refuse to believe him.)

Eric: Come on, Bobby, knock it off.

Bobby: Honest.

Burt: You don’t expect us to believe that.

Tom: I’m gonna tell my Dad.

(They all run off in disbelief. Mike and Carol laugh and bobby shrugs. The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike and Carol watching the game at home.)

Mike: It was nice of Joe Namath to send us all those tickets to the game today.

Carol: Yes, and it was certainly nice of you to give our tickets to Bobby’s friends. But why?

Mike: Well, I had ulterior motives.

Carol: Oh.

Mike: Sure. You have to fight a thousand cars for a parking space. You have to stand in line for hot dogs. Push your weight through all those crowds.

Carol: So.

Mike: So, this way, with all the kids out of the house, you and I can be alone. (He puts his arms around her) You get the picture?

Carol: Ohhhh. Well, who am i to fight a great idea? Yeah, this is much better.

Mike: This way when the game is on television, we won’t have any interruptions.

(Carol picks up a cushion on the couch and hits him in the face with it.)


S5 E1 Adios, Johnny Bravo

Adios, Johnny Bravo

Written by Joanna Lee

Greg receives an offer to become a successful rock start named Johnny Bravo. This interferes with his plans to go to college. Hope you enjoy the script.












BUDDY BERKMAN, Tammy’s partner

HAL BARTON, head of talent show

(The episode begins with the kids auditioning for a talent show at Hal Barton’s studio. Greg is on lead vocals with the rest of the kids backing him.)

Greg (singing): Music played but never stayed to listen. It seemed my life was always out of tune. I found something beautiful was missing. Now there’s music coming out of every room. (The other kids join in) You got to be in love to love a love song. You got to be in love like I love you, and I do. (He goes back to singing solo and croons to Cindy) You’re the love in my song, I just got to sing along with you, with you. Now I found that every sound is music. The trees that whistle softly in the wind. Summer raindrops happen on the sidewalk. (He croons over to Marcia) You made all those pretty melodies begin. (the other kids join him for the chorus) You got to be in love to love a love song. You got to be in love like I love you, and I do. You’re the love in my song, I just got to sing along with you, with you.

(Hal Barton approaches them.)

Barton: terrific audition kids.

Kids: Thank you.

Barton: You just got yourself a spot on next Saturday’s show. (They cheer and Greg shakes his hand) Now, be here at noon.

Greg: We’ll be here before noon. Thanks a lot.

Barton: Okay.

(He shakes a few other hands and the kids leave happily. Tami Cutler, who was swooning in the audience at Greg, stops them.)

Tami (to Greg): Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Tami: I’m Tami Cutler.

Greg: Greg Brady.

(They shake hands.)

Tami: Did anyone ever tell you that your profile would look great on an album cover.

Greg: No.

Tami: Come on, I’m serious.

Greg: Really?

Tami: Yeah. Hey, do you have an agent?

Greg: No.

Tami: Well, I think it’s about time. (She hands him a card) Do me a favor, call me at 10 o’clock in the morning.

Greg: Sure.

Tami: Bye.

Greg: Bye.

(The other kids look on with specualtion. They come up to him.)

Marcia: Who was that girl, Greg?

Greg: That wasn’t just a girl, that was an agent.

Peter (reading): Tami Cutler Artist Management. Big hit management company.

Jan: What did she say?

Greg: She wants us to call her at 10 o’clock tomorrow.

Marcia (thrilled): We’ve been discovered.

Peter: Wow, I can’t believe it. We got an agent.

(Greg gloats at this fact and the scene fades.)

(The kids come home and share the news with Carol and Alice.)

Cindy (excited): Mom, we got fantastic news!

Carol: What?

Bobby: It happened!

Carol: What happened?

Jan: The fantastic news!

Alice: Well, that clears that up.

Carol: I bet you’re gonna be on Hal Barton’s TV show.

(They agree.)

Marcia: this is even more fantastic than that!

Greg: Wait, that’s not fantastic yet.

Peter: Sure it is!

Carol: What is?

Jan: I got to call Sherry, she’ll faint when she hears.

Carol: Hears what?

Jan: The fantastic news!

(She runs to the phone.)

Alice: This is where I came in.

Cindy (running out): Hey, wait for me.

Bobby: I’m second on the phone.

Peter: You’re second after me.

Carol: Oh, come on, will somebody tell me what’s going on?

Marcia: We’re just the hottest new singing group in town, that’s all.

Greg: Now, don’t get carried away. But, after our audition for Hal Barton, this really attractive girl came up to me.

Marcia: And she turned out to be an agent.

Greg: And she wants us to phone her in the morning.

Marcia: The morning… and I don’t have a thing to wear.

(She runs out of the room.)

Alice: Now there’s a switch, dressing up for a phone call.

Carol: Well, congratulations, Greg, it sounds like you kids had a really exciting day.

Greg: Oh, it has been, thanks, Mom.

(He leaves.)

Alice: Congratulations, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Thanks, Alice. You know, I couldn’t be more proud if I were the mother of the  Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

(The next scene has Mike coming in the kitchen, where carol and Alice are preparing dinner.)

Mike: Hi, honey.

(He looks inside th epot.)

Carol: Hi, honey, dinner will be ready in a minute.

(They kiss.)

Mike: Where’s the mail?

Carol: I left it over there on the counter.

(He collects it.)

Mike: There’s only one letter. This one’s for Greg.

Carol: Oh, golly, with all the excitement on show business I forgot to give it to him.

Mike: I see it’s from State University.

Carol: And what’s wrong with Greg going to my old Alma Mater.

Mike: Nothing, nothing, that’s all.

Carol: You’re always talking about him going to dear old Norton College.

Mike: Well, wherever he goes, the important thing is he gets a good education.

Carol: Right. That’s why I think it would be a great ide aif he went to state.

Mike: Why would you want your son to go to a college that lost 35 straight football games.

(He kisses her and leaves the kitchen. the next morning, it’s a little before 10 a.m. and the kids are hanging around the phone in the living room. The clock finally strikes 10 and they pester Greg to make the phone call.)

Greg: Would you guys just relax, listen, if we call right on the dot, it’s gonna make us look anxious.

Cindy: But we are anxious.

Peter: Get a load of Mr. Cool.

(They continue to pester him and Marcia brings the phone right to him.)

Greg; Okay, okay.

(Greg takes the card and dials the number.)

Greg: Tami Cutler please. Yes, I’ll hold. (They ask him what is going on and he shushes them) Hello, Tami, this is Greg. Greg Brady. We met yesterday at the TV station, remember? The profile for the record album. Yeah.

Bobby: Yeah.

Cindy: Oh, yeah.

Greg (continuing the conversation): Sure, sure we could. Oh, okay. I’ll see you then. Right. Good-bye.

Jan: When’s the appointment?

Greg: Right away.

(The other kids get excited.)

Marcia: You’re kidding.

Greg: Wait a minute. She said I should come alone. (The other kids protest) I guess she figures because I’m the oldest, I must be the leader.

Jan: We have to stick together.

Greg: Well, look, I can go down and I can make the deal for all of us. Okay?

Marcia, Peter and Jan: Okay.

Bobby and Cindy: Okay.

(Mike is in his den and Greg comes in for the car.)

Greg: Dad.

Mike: Mmm hmm.

Greg: Can I borrow the car?

Mike: I guess so. What for?

Greg: The agent I met yesterday wants to discuss a little business with me.

Mike: Okay, keys are in the kitchen.

Greg: Thanks, Dad. I won’t be long.

Mike: Greg.

Greg (stopping): Yeah.

Mike: You know, I know you’re all very flattered and excited about this, but, try to keep your cool, will you?

Greg: Don’t worry, Dad, I got everything under control.

(He leaves the den as Carol comes in with coffee.)

Carol: Whoa, watch it, Greg.

Greg: Well, I’m off to see our agent.

Carol: Oh, good luck. (to Mike) Well, that’s show biz, and coffee. (She gives him his coffee) When you’re hot, you’re hot.

Mike: But when you’re not, you’re not. I don’t want those kids to get their hopes up too high.

Carol: Oh, I don’t think they will, it’s just an adventure for them. Besides, Greg is too level-headed to get carried away.

(Next, we see Greg down at Tami’s office.)

Greg: This is wild. What an office.

Tami: It’s a place to hang my beads.

Greg (laughing): Yeah, it’s great.

(Buddy Berkman comes in.)

Buddy (to someone unseen): Right, 4 o’clock from the dub down.

Tami: Oh, Greg, I’d like you to meet my partner, Buddy Berkman.

Buddy: Well.

Greg: How do you do, Mr. Berkman.

(They shake hands.)

Buddy: Okay, beautiful, beautiful, out of sight, dynamite, dymamito.

Greg: I brought along a tape of our group.

Tami: Oh, thta won’t be necessary, babe.

Greg: I thought you’d hear how we sound.

Buddy: Oh, sure, terrific, terrific. (He puts it down and ignores it) Hey, would you like to play the guitar? (He hands him a guitar and Greg plays) Here you go, wail on that.

Tami: Come on.

Buddy: Do it, man, do it. Let’s get it on. I can dig this. Yeah.

(Greg starts to play and Buddy gives him plenty of false praise.)

Buddy: Hey, okay, yeah, that’s righteous. (he gets more enthusiastic) Oh, perfect, prefect. Oh, this guy’s terrific, what a find. (to Tami) I hope he fits the suit.

Tami: He will. I never miss.

Buddy (on Greg’s playing): Hey, hey, I like that. Okay, all right. (Tami goes to the closet to pull out an outfit) Very good, very nice.

(Tami shows Greg the suit and he puts the guitar down.)

Tami: You want to slip into this love?

Greg: Wow.

Tami: like perfect.

Buddy: Righteous.

Tami: Did I tell u I never miss?

Buddy: Beautiful.

Greg: Yeah, this is really something. All six of us getting an outfit like this?

Tami: Just you, babe.

Greg (shocked): Oh, but my brothers and sisters…

Tami: Hey, as of now, you’re solo.

Buddy: You’re gonna be a monster. You won’t be in the top 20, you’ll be the top 20.

Greg: But you don’t understand, I’m part of a group.

Tami: No, you don’t understand. You’re not you anymore.

Greg: I don’t follow.

Buddy: You are a superstar. You are the new Johnny Bravo.

(They take him to a mirror.)

Tami: Johnny Bravo.

Greg: Johnny Bravo?

Tami and Buddy: Johnny bravo!

Greg (looking himself in the mirror): Johnny Bravo.

Tami: Wow.

Buddy: Dynamite.

(Greg goes home with the other kids eagerly awaiting his arrival. Marcia, Peter and Bobby come up to him as he drives into the garage.)

Marcia: Greg, what took you so long? Jan, Cindy, Greg’s here! What happened?

Peter: When do we start to work?

Bobby: Did you tell them I play the organ?

Greg: No, I didn’t have a chance, Bobby.

(Jan and Cindy come over.)

Jan: Tell us what happened?

Cindy: Yeah, when do we get famous?

Greg: We don’t, Cindy.

Peter: You mean you blew the deal?

Greg: No, no, I don’t mean that, either. Excactly.

Marcia: What do you mean, exactly?

Greg: Well, they just wanted to sign (Pause) me.

Jan: Alone?

Bobby: All by yourself?

Cindy: Without us?

Greg: Solo, as in star.

Marcia: Solo, as in sellout.

Peter: That’s dirty.

Bobby: You’re breaking up the act.

Jan: Greg, how could you?

Greg (to Cindy): Honest, they just wanted to sign me, the new Johnny Bravo. They said I’m gonna be a big star.

Cindy: But a very small person.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Greg at home telling his parents.)

Mike: You’re gonna be called Johnny Bravo?

Greg: You know, they got the platter jockeys freaking out over my album, and I haven’t even recorded it yet.

Mike: Listen, what happens when you record it?

Greg: Oh, I go on the road and plug it.

Carol: Where?

Greg: Like all over, man. The whole country.

Mike: Let me ask you a question. Now, how do you plan to do all this and go to college at the same time?

Greg: Good question.

Mike: Well, I thought so.

Greg: I’ll give it some serious thought, Dad.

Mike: I think you better give it a lot of serious thought.

Greg: Right.

(He gets up and leaves the den.)

Carol (to Mike): Did he call me “man”?

Mike: I think so.

(Cut to the girls’ room, where the girls are sulking over getting dumped. Alice comes in.)

Alice: Hi. (They don’t answer. Alice gets sarcastic) What’s all the excitement about?

Marcia: Of all the phony plastic names, Johnny Bravo.

Jan: Yeah, they should’ve called him Benedict Arnold.

Marcia: You know, I bet our group would sound a lot better witohut him.

Cindy: A lot better. We ought to get a new name. How about the Brady 5.

Alice: How about the sour grapes.

Marcia: What’s that supposed to mean, Alice?

Alice: Well it sounds to me like you’re putting Greg down because something great happened to him an dnot to you.

(She sits down next to Cindy.)

Cindy: But we were a group.

Jan: And Greg deserted us.

Alice: Greg didn’t, the agent did. Now, try to put yourself in this spot. What would you have done?

Marcia: Maybe what he did.

Jan: But he could’ve….

Marcia: No he couldn’t. After all, they didn’t want us.

Jan: But he shouldn’t have….

Marcia: But he didn’t have any choice.

Jan: Well, I wouldn’t have.

Marcia: No, you would too.

Alice: I like this conversation. Goes right to the point.

Marcia (getting up): Come on, you two.

Jan: Where?

Marcia: TYell Peter and Bobby we should stop acting like jealous brats.

Cindy: Can’t I still be jealous without being a brat.

(We take you to Greg’s attic room. Where he is playing his guitar and the girls come up to see him.)

Marcia (calling): Greg.

Greg; Yeah.

(The girls enter the room.)

Marcia: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Marcia: greg.

Greg: Mmm Hmm.

Marcia: We just wanted to apologize. We hope you’re gonna make it really big as a star.

Jan: Hey, we’re gonna start a scrapbook with all your clippings.

Cindy: Yeah, with your name on it. And we’re also gonna start the very first Johnny Bravo fan club.

Greg (smiling): Thanks for understanding. How do Pete and Bobby feel about it now?

(Next, Bobby and Peter are in there talking to him.)

Bobby: We’re really sorry for the way we acted too, Greg.

Peter: He’s not Greg anymore. He’s Johnny Bravo.

Bobby: I meant Johnny.

Greg: Thanks guys.

Peter: We think it’s really super, Greg.

Bobby: Johnny. I’m gonna be in charge of product distribution at school.

Greg: For what?

Bobby: Johnny Bravo T-shirts, locks of hair, broken guitar strings. You know.

Peter: And don’t forget autographs. We’ll make up about a million copies and sell them for 25 cents apiece.

Bobby: We’ll just take the usual. 10% of the profits.

Peter: Apiece.

(Later that evening, Mike and Carol are up and having hot chocolate in the kitchen. they are discussing Greg’s indecision about college.)

Mike: In my mind, there was never any question about Greg going to college.

Carol: Mine either. But that was before all this Johnny bravo business.

Mike: I want him to have the best education and as much education as he is capable of.

Carol: Oh, yes, and Greg has so much potential.

(Alice comes out of her room.)

Alice: Oh, hi folks. I thought I heard something out here.

Carol: Oh, sorry we woke you, Alice. Why don’t you grab a cup and have some hot chocolate with us.

Alice: Thanks, don’t mind if I do.

Mike: If I thought that Greg didn’t have a better future than just a short music career, it wouldn’t bother me so much.

Carol: I feel the same way. Johnny Bravo could become a has been before he ever was. Right, Alice?

Alice: Right, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: On the other hand, Greg could be a big hit. Couldn’t he.

Alice: Wouldn’t that be something.

Mike: No, the chance of Greg rising to the top are a million to one. I want him to go to college.

Carol: Me too.

Alice: Me three.

Mike: Of course, if we force him to go, he’s out to rebel just to prove a point.

Carol: In which case, we’d probably be pushing him right into the music business.

Mike: You know, while we’re siting here stewing, we have forgotten one important fact.

Carol: What?

Mike: Greg hasn’t made up his mind yet.

(Next, Mike and Carol are outside gardening while Greg is inside on the phone.

Carol: Has Greg said any more to you about college?

Mike: Not a word.

(Greg gets off the phone and goes outside to talk to his parents.)

Greg: Mom, Dad, I’d like to talk to you for a minute.

Mike: Love a marigold and sit down.

Carol: What’s on your mind, Greg?

Greg: Well, you both said I’m an independent guy and should make my own decisions, right?

Mike: We would agree, yeah.

Greg: Well, I made a decision about college.

Carol: And.

Greg: I’m not going. In fact, I have an appointmant to see my agent this afternoon.

(Carol and Mike are disappointed.)

Mike: Don’t expect us to congratulate you on your decision.

Greg: No, I figured you’d be disappointed.

Carol: Greg, honey, listen, fame is a fleeting thing, but, a college education can last you a lifetime.

Greg: I know all that, Mom. But I feel right now I have to give a singing career a chance. And then in a few years, college will fit in. Maybe. Anyway, I made up my mind. Sorry.

(He gets up and goes back inside.)

Carol (to Mike): I agree with what you’re thinking.

Mike: Yep. I think after he gets back, I’m gonna check out that music agent.

(Greg is down at Tami and Buddy’s office.)

Greg: Everything’s squared away at home. I’m ready.

Buddy: Well, too much. (They shake hands) Out of sight. Dynamite., beautiful.

Tami (extending her hand): Welcome aboard, Johnny Bravo.

Greg: Thanks, Tami. well, what’s next.

Tami: You just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.

(Next, Tami shows him around the office and introduces him to the personnel.)

Tami: This is your PR man. He’ll handle all your interviews, column plans, photo sessions, radio and TV spots, album liners, billboards, oh, and one other thing.

Greg: What?

Tami (calling): Girls, (a bunch of groupies walk in) here he is, your very own Johnny Bravo. Do your thing, girls. (They scream and run up to him and tear his shirt. A photographer takes a picture and Tami thanks the girls and they all leave) Terrific.

(Next, they introduce Greg to their lawyer.)

Buddy: Now, Johnny, this is your new attorney. He’s got some papers for you to eyeball. You know, it’s all got to be like, legal. You dig?

(Greg shakes hands with the lawyers as she shows him a bunch of papers to sign.)

Greg: All these?

(Next, they came out of the recording studio, where Greg just cut a demo.)

Buddy: What a session, what a groovy session.

Tami: I can’t wait to hear the tape.

Buddy: Out of sight, baby, you’re out of sight.

Greg: Did I really sound all right?

Tami: Hang loose and listemn.

(Buddy goes to play the tape.)

Buddy: Hey mama, you seen him, you got him, now here he is, with the beat that’s sweet and the jive that’s alive. Your very own muchacho, Johnny Bravo!

(The tape plays and Greg discovers they electronically altered his voice.)

Greg (surprised): That’s me?

Tami: The new Johnny bravo sound, it’s gotta be a hit.

Buddy: No other way, (to Greg) what do you think, star?

Greg: What happened to my voice?

Buddy: Just a little electronic slide of hand.

Greg: It’s terrible. You can’t even hear the words.

Buddy: Well, of course not!

Greg (turning it off): That’s not the way I sound.

Buddy: You, now come on, baby, don’t get hung up on an ego trip. I mean, who cares how you sound? We’re after the sound. There’s a lot of work in that record.

Greg: Than what do you need me for?

Tami: because you fit the suit.

Greg (astonished): I fit the suit? That’s the reason you wanted me? Because I fit the suit?

Buddy: There’s an awful lot of bread in those threads, baby.

Tami: Come on. it’s a heavy promotion.

Greg: Yeah, well, Tami, Buddy, I’m about to lay a new sound on you.

Tami: What’s that, babe?

Greg: the sound of a guy taking a walk.

Buddy: What?

Greg: Listen close. (He rips up the contract) Adios, Johnny Bravo.

Tami: Hey.

Buddy: Johnny, hey, wait a second, Johnny.

(He walks out of the office.)

Buddy (to Tami): well, you know, that suit never did really fit right through the shoulders.

(Cut to back at home,. Greg is telling Mike and carol about the scam.)

Greg: Can you believe that? The only reason they wanted me was because I fit the suit. (Carol laughs) They didn’t want me, they wanted a robot.

Carol: Well, honey, you saved your father a trip from seeing them.

Mike: You sure did. You know, in one way, we’re sorry it happened. But, in another way, I’d like to go on record saying we are very pleased.

Carol: Mike, are you sure you wanna use the word record? (

Mike: well, do you think this is the end of your singing career?

Greg: No, this is the end of Johnny Bravo. But Greg Brady still has a singing career.

(Next, Greg and the other kids are down at Hal Barton’s studio singing a new song called Good Time Music.)

All: Let me hear some of that good time music, that I love to hear.

Greg: I got plenty of blues.

Marcia: And sort of bad news.

All: And I need to find me some cheer.

Marcia: Well there’s been some times, when I’ve been down, oh so recently.

Greg: I got a piece of bad ride and make a new flight.

All: React positively. There’s no sense in walking around with your feet stuck to the ground.

Marcia: It’s much better to put yourself together.

Greg: Create a lot of love and good vibes for humanity.

All: That’s fine with me. Let me hear some of that good time music, that I love to hear.

Marcia: I got plenty of blues.

Greg: And sort of bed news.

All: And I need to find me some cheer.

Greg: Well there’s been some times, when I’ve been down, oh so recently.

Marcia: I got a piece of bad ride and make a new flight. React positively.

(Hal Barton gives them the okay signal.)

All: There’s no sense in walking around with your feet stuck to the ground.

Greg: It’s much better to put yourself together.

Marcia: Create a lot of love and good vibes for humanity.

All: That’s fine with me. Good time music. Good time music. Good time music.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Greg knocking on the door to Mike and Carol’s bedroom.)

Mike: Come in.

Greg (entering): Dad, Mom, I studied these college pamphlets you gave me.

Carol: And.

Greg: Well, I decided that Norton has a lot going for it. (Mike gloats) But State has a lot to offer, too.

Carol: Uh, you think you might go to state, greg?

Greg: Uh, no.

Mike (laughing): Norton. (Carol has her turn to laugh) Where are you gonna go?

Greg: I mean, there’s been lots to consider. But after reading these pamphlets, I know exactly what to do.

Mike: What?

Greg: Take a couple of years off to travel, and can I have the keys to the car?

Mike: Get out of here.

(Greg turns around to leave.)

Greg: Good night.

Carol: Good night.

(Mike and Carol laugh to each other.)


S4 E23 Room At The Top

Room At The Top

Written by William Raynor and Myles Wilder

Greg moves into the attic in a quest for privacy. I hope you enjoy the script.











HANK CARTER, Greg’s friend

(The episode begins with Greg coming home with his friend, Hank Carter, who was in college.)

Greg: What were you doing back in high school today?

Hank: It was a college semester break. I figured I’d drop by and see how my old buddies were getting along.

Greg: So what’s it like in college?

Hank: Out of sight.

Greg: Yeah? Really different?

Hank: Like night and day.

Greg: Good. (Bobby rushes in, grabs a chair and makes a beeping sound. He goes over to the television) Bobby, we’re having a talk.

Bobby (turning on the television); That’s okay. It won’t bother me.

Greg: It’ll bother me. Go watch TV someplace else, huh.

Bobby: Greg, this room is for all of us. That’s why they call it a family room, get it.

Greg: Let’s go up to my room, Hank. Maybe we cna get some privacy up there.

(They go upstairs.)

Greg: Hey, Hank, why don’t you tell me about the girls in college.

Hank: Huh, they’re a whole different animal, and I do mean animal.

Greg: Yeah, it sounds like a real zoo.

Hank: Uh, something else. They’re sophisticated. Not like the kids back in high school.

Greg: I think I got the picture. (He sees Peter’s robe on the floor. Then Peter comes in and Greg hands it to him) Hey, hang that up. (Peter gets on his bed and reads a comic book) Pete, this is a private conversation.

Peter: About girls?

Greg: Could you go read someplace else?

Peter: Sure I could, but I’d rather stay and listen, and learn.

Greg: Pete, I’d like a little privacy.

Peter: Why should I leave my own room? If you want privacy, go in the garage?

Hank: Greg, why don’t you come over to my apartment. We can have all the privacy we want there.

Greg: Yeah, good idea, Hank.

Peter: have a nice time.

Greg: Why don’t you pick up your robe.)

(Peter looks at his robe, which fell on the floor, and shrugs. Greg anfd hank leave the room and are heading down the stairs.)

Greg: The whole apartment to yourself, that’s really something.

Hank: It’s one of the great things about going to college, you’re on your own. You can have friends over whenever you want. You can come and go whenever you want. Nobody to bug you.

Greg: I can’t wait for that.

Hank: Hey, I got an idea. I’m looking for a guy to share expenses with.

Greg: You mean me move in with you?

Hank: Sure, if you’re interested.

Greg: Am I?

Hank: You think your Mom and Dad will let you?

Greg: I don’t know why not. One more term and I’ll be going to college and moving out anyway. I’m sure I could convince them.

Hank: Great.

(Bobby runs up the stairs. He continues making the beeping sound.)

Greg: You got yourself a roommate, Hank. I’m moving out.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Carol and Alice in the attic. Alice picks up a worn out tennis racket.)

Alice: I’ve heard of warped tennis rackets, but this is ridiculous.

Carol (laughing): I think that better go into the junk pile, Alice. I don’t think it’d get very much at the charity bizarre.

Alice: The bizarre is really gonna clean out this attic.

Carol: Well, I think we should just make a clean sweep. Either it goes to the bazaar or the junkyard.

Mike (calling): Carol!

Carol: We’re up here, honey.

(Mike comes up to the attic.)

Mike: What are you doing?

Carol: We’re getting things together for that sale I told you about.

Mike: Oh. (He looks around) What are you going to get rid of?

Carol: Everything. If it isn’t nailed down, it goes.

Mike: Aw. (He looks some more and finds an old hat and cane) Do you remember these? The old costume party?

Carol: Oh, yeah.

(Mike puts on the hat and twirls the cane around. He also makes a vaudevillian performance.)

Carol (hugging him): Oh, that is great, Mike. (He agrees) I didn’t know Humphrey Bogart could sing.

Mike: Thank you. You’re really gonna bet rid of all our memories?

Carol: No, the memories we’ll keep. It’s just the junk we’ll get rid of. Could you change your clothes and give us a hand?

Mike: okay, but my heart ain’t in it.

Alice: It ain’t your heart we need, Mr. Brady, it’s your muscles.

Mike: Okay, be back in a flash.

(Mike is downstairs hanging up his work clothes and Greg comes in.)

Greg: Dad, can I see you for a minute?

Mike: Sure, come on in. (Greg comes in the room and shuts the door) What’s up?

Greg: You know hank Carter, don’t you?

Mike: Yes, I do.

Greg: You think he’s a nice guy?

Mike: Very nice.

Greg: Hank strtaed college this year.

Mike: Oh, he did.

Greg: You know his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Carter, don’t you think they’re nice people too?

Mike: Very nice indeed.

Greg: Well, I got a terrific opportunity with a nice guy like Hank who’s got such nice parents.

Mike: Yeah, what opportunity is that?

Greg: Like you once told me, always take advantage of a good opportunity.

Mike: What opportunity?

Greg: hank’s got his own apartment, and he’s looking for somebody to share the expenses. And it’s only gonna cost me half the food and half the rent.

Mike: Sorry, Greg, the answer is no.

Greg: Dad, I didn’t even ask the question.

Mike: Yeah, well, I heard you coming through loud and clear.

Greg: Dad, I’ll probably be moving out next year when I go away to college anyway. I’ll already have a place to stay.

Mike: Yeah, but that’s next year.

Greg: I really need the privacy, and a guy my age needs a room of his own. And I got Peter and Bobby in my hair all the time.

Mike: Greg, I understand what you’re saying and I agree with you. Believe me, I do. But the point is, Hank didn’t move away from home until he went to college. Let’s wait until you go to college.

Greg: Dad, living in there with Peter and Bobby is like a jail sentence.

Mike: Well, you can look on the brightside of it. In a few short months you’ll be paroled for good behavior.

(The next scene has th efamily in the attic. They are cleaning it out.)

Mike: Now, everything that goes to the charity bazaar goes in the station wagon, and everytihng else gets thrown out.

Carol: okay, troops, start moving out.

(They all say charge and Bobby, Cindy and Peter take some things out. Jan discovers a maternity dress that’s several sizes too big.)

Jan: Wow, whose was this?

Carol: It was mine.

Jan (surprised): Yours? You must’ve really been a chubby.

Carol (laughing): I was. I was 8 months pregnant with you. (She helps jan put it in a box with other things to take downstairs) Noew be careful going down the stairs, okay?

(Alice finds another unusual piece of garment.)

Alice: Now, where did we get these?

Carol: Oh, I think they’re Mr. Brady’s.

Mike: Oh, I used those several years ago on that construction job up in Maine.

Alice: Well, I think they can go, the moths seemed to open up 2 or 3 extra trapdoors.

Carol: okay, Alice.

(She takes them, among other things, down the stairs.)

Mike: Greg, give me a hand with this chest,will you?

Greg: Sure.

Mike (to Marcia): Honey, take my rubber duck.

(Greg and Mike take the chest downstairs. carol puts a couple of things on top.)

Carol: Ah, just what i was waiting for. She puts an old hat on Mike’s head. She notices Marcia pondering about something) Marcia, honey, I think you better stop daydreaming. We have a lot of work to do.

Marcia: Hey, Mom. I was thinking. Once the attic gets cleaned out, it would make a great extra room.

Carol: Yeah, I guess it would.

Marcia: Could I use it? I really want a room of my own.

Carol (laughing): But Marcia, the walls aren’t finished, the floors are a mess.

Marcia: I can put posters up on the walls. and that big rug we used to have in the den.

Carol: But honey…

Marcia: Oh, please, Mom. When a girl gets to be my age, she really needs a room of her own.

Carol: But wouldn’t you feel all alone up here by yourself?

Marcia: But that’s the whole point. I’d have privacy. Please Mom, can I?

Carol: Well. (She puts her arm around her) If that’s what you really want.

Marcia (hugging her): Oh, great. Thanks, Mom.

(Meanwhile, Greg and Mike are outside in the backyard discussing the same thing.)

Greg: Now that it’s empty it would make a good room for me. Now look, I’d still be at home, but kind of on my own too.

Mike: That’s not a bad idea.

(Greg jumps down from the station wagon.)

Greg: Yeah, Peter and Bobby can have more room too. it would be great for all of us.

Mike: Right.

Greg: So could I have the attic?

Mike: I don’t see any reason why not.

Greg: Thanks, Dad. This is gonna work out great.

(Peter and Bobby come outside with boxes.)

Peter: What’s gonna work out great?

Greg: Oh, hey, listen, I got something i wanna tell you.

Bobby: What?

Greg: Well, first you better put down the boxes. (They put them down) I want you to know this is nothing personal. We’ve always been great pals, and I wanted it to stay that way.

Bobby: What do you want to tell us?

Greg: I don’t want this to upset you.

Peter: What is it?

Greg: Well, I’m gonna be moving out of our room up to the attic.

(Peter and Bobby look at each other with delight and they cheer, then run back in the house.)

Mike (tapping his shoulder): They’re really broken up about that.

(He gives him some playful punches then goes inside the house. he girls are moving Marcia’s things up to the attic.)

Marcia: Wow, isn’t this gonna be great?

Jan: Terrific.

Cindy: Marvelous.

Marcia: well, isn’t it exciting?

Jan: Marcia (sarcastically): Hooray!

Marcia: Jan, what’s wrong with you?

Jan: Well…

Cindy: I’ll tell you, we’ll miss you.

Jan: I’ll give you my half of the closet if you won’t move out.

Marcia: Look, I’m gonna miss you too. But I’m only one flight up. You can come up anytime you want.

Jan: You mean you won’t mind?

Marcia: Of course not. I’m not trying to get rid of you.

Cindy: If we come up enough of the time (she puts her arms around Marcia and Jan) It’ll be like the three of us moved into the attic.

(They go downstairs and into their room, while the boys move some of Greg’s things into the attic.)

Greg: Just drop that over there. (Peter and Bobby drop the chest they are carrying) I didn’t mean drop it, I meant (he puts his desk down) put it down.

Peter: You said drop it (to Bobby) isn’t that what he said?

Bobby: That’s what he said. (Greg looks irritated) Greg, can we go now? We got a lot of our own stuff to move too, you know.

Greg: Okay, go ahead. (He notices the boxes of stuff that the girls brought up) Wait a minute, you guys, I thought you said the whole attic was cleaned out.

Peter: It was.

Greg: Then how did this stuff get up here?

Bobby: Search me.

(They leave and go downstairs. Marcia brings some books up to the attic. She notices Greg’s trunk.)

Marcia: I wonder how that stuff got up there.

(Greg comes up with his typewriter.)

Greg: Hi.

Marcia: Hi. What’s the typewriter for?

Greg: For typing? What’s in all those boxes?

Marcia: Books.

Greg: Thanks. Come on up anytime you want and read them.

Marcia: It’s very large of you to invite me up to my room.

Greg: Your room? It’s my room.

Marcia: Quit kidding. Mom promised it to me.

Greg: Dad promised it to me.

Marcia: Well, this is my room.

Greg: That’s your opinion.

Marcia: You bet it’s my opinion. It’s my room and I’m not budging.

Greg: And I say it’s my room n I’m not budging.

(They both sit on the trunk looking in opposite directions. The scene fades out.)

(The next scene has Carol and Mike in the attic trying to solve the issue.)

Mike: Now, you can’t sit there like that forever. Somebody’s gonna have to give up the attic.

Carol: I’m sorry, marcia, I should’ve checked wiht your father first.

Mike: And I should’ve checked with your mother. But still…

Marcia: Well, well, I got it all planned out. (She rushes to the window) I’m gonna put a bed right here, and I’ll have a desk beside the window, and I got some lovely curtains picked out for the window too.

Greg: Well I got it planned out too. My bed is gonna go over here, and my desk is gonna go here, and I think I’ll put shutters on the window. Besides, I’m older.

Marcia: So what?

Greg: So I should get the room.

Mike: All right, hold it, hold it, you’re not gonna solve anything by arguing.

Carol: Right.

Greg: Well then, who gets the attic?

Mike: Well, I think there’s only one way that’s fair and logical.

Marcia: What?

Mike: Greg is a year older, he’s gonna be going away to college next year. And I think it’s gonna fair for now.

(Marcia gets upset.)

Greg: Yeah, I think that’s fair.

Marcia: Not to me.

Carol: Marcia.

Marcia: Mother.

Carol: I have to agree with your father. Look, next year the room will be yours anyway.

Mike: Right, honey, and then after you comes Peter and Jan and all the rest. That way it’s fair to everybody.

Marcia: Except for me. Why should I be penalized for being born a year too late. I’m sick and tired of being second around here.

(she leaves the attic, very upset.)

Carol (to Greg): Don’t say a word.

(That evening, Mike and Carol go out.)

Carol: Mike, if I weren’t on that bizarre committee, I think I’d skip going out tonight.

Mike: Yeah, why?

Carol: Marcia was so upset about not getting the attic, I just have a funny feeling she and Greg are gonna have a big blowup.

Mike: Honey, she’s adult enough to accept our decision. Believe me, things are gonna be fine.

(Marcia is sulking in her bedroom. Greg knocks on the door.)

Greg: Marcia.

Marcia: Go away.

Greg: Marcia.

Marcia: I said go away!

Greg: Not until I see you.

(She gets up and opens the door.)

Marcia: You seen me, now go away!

(She shuts the door and he opens it and enters the room.)

Greg: Marcia, I just wanted to give you this album. You left it in the attic.

Marcia (sarcastically): You’re all heart.

Greg: Look, I know how you feel, and I can’t blame you. But I honestly think Mom and dad made the fair decision.

Marcia: I’ll bet you do. you got the room and I don’t. and I need it more than you do.

Greg: What’s that supposed to mean?

Marcia: Well, a girl needs more space. There’s never any room in the closet, or my drawers. And I can’t even use my hair dryer when I want to.

Greg: It’s just as crowded for me with the guys.

Marcia: Besides, I wanted to have a slumber party tonight and invite 6 of my friends over, in my own attic room.

Greg: Great! I’ve got some new pajamas I can wear.

(She starts laugihng and Marcia gets very upset.)

Marcia (crying): Go ahead, make jokes, see if I care.

Greg: Hey, wait a minute. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I didn’t realize the room meant that much to you.

Marcia: Well, it does.

(Greg has a change of heart.)

Greg: Hey, Marcia, I’ll probably be leaving soon for college. Why don’t you take the room.

Marcia: You’re just saying that because I’m sitting here blubbering like an idiot.

Greg: No, no, I want you to have it. It’s got nothing to do with you being a blubbering idiot.

Marcia: Honest?

Greg: Honest.

(She wraps her arms around him. He hugs him and kisse shis cheek.)

Marcia: Thanks Greg, you’re the greatest brother a girl can have.

(Meanwhile, Peter and Bobby come into their room.)

Peter: Well, Greg’s all moved in. Now we can start moving our stuff around, in our own room.

Bobby: Yeah, tomorrow, I’m all pooped out.

(Greg comes in.)

Greg: Hey, guys, I gotta talk to you.

Peter: Greg, your bed in the attic is gonna be great.

Bobby: Yeah, we have all your junk up there now.

Greg: Thanks, now you can help me haul it back into our room.

Peter: Our room?

Greg: Our room.

Bobby (to Peter): He must have banged his head on the rafter.

Greg: marcia’s getting the attic.

Bobby (surprised): Marcia? Mom and Dad gave it to you.

Greg: I know, and I gave it to Marcia.

Peter: What’s going on around here?

Greg: I’ll tell you what’s going on around here. You two guys are gonna help me move my stuff back to our room. That’s what’s going on around here.

(Next, we see Cindy and Jan bringing some of Marcia’s stuff up to the attic. Peter and Bobby are taking Greg’s things down. Later, Bobby and Peter are taking Greg’s bed downstairs and Alice catches them.)

Alice: Hey, that’s Greg’s mattress, isn’t it?

Bobby: Yeah, we’re moving Greg out of the attic.

Alice: Oh. (the guys drop the mattress an d they fall) I thought you just moved him in.

Peter: That’s right.

Alice: then what’s going on around here?

Peter: I’ll tell you what’s going on around here. Marcia’s moving in, Greg’s moving out, and we’re doing all the work. That’s what going on around here.

(They pick the mattress up and bring it into their room. They rest right on top of it.)

Bobby: Boy, am I beat. Greg can move the rest of his stuff down himself.

Peter: Yeah, I wonder why he chickened out and let Marcia have the attic.

Bobby: Marcia probably pulled all that mushy girl stuff on him. (dramatic) Oh, Greg, please give me the attic. Boo hoo hoo hoo.

Peter: All I know is we got him back.

Bobby: Hey, maybe if we talk to Greg, we can get him to change his mind.

Peter: No way.

Bobby: Then how about talking to Marcia.

Peter: Why should she quit while she’s ahead? And what could we possibly say to her?

Bobby: Well, for one thing, we can tell her how rough it is climbing up and down the stairs. We oughtta know.

Peter: Yeah, the stairs. You know something, for a little guy, you just came up with a big idea.

(He gives Bobby a playful slap on the stomach. We bring you up to the attic, where Marcia is preparing for bed. We hear the phone ring.)

Bobby (calling): Marcia, telephone for you.

Marcia: okay, coming.

(She goes down the stairs to take the call. Peter is down there.)

Marcia: Who is it?

Peter: Your girlfriend, Susie.

Marcia: Thanks. (She goes to take the call) Hello, hello. (She doesn’t get an answer) Hello. That’s funny, she hung up. Well, it couldn’t have been too important.

Peter: I guess not.

(Marcia goes back upstairs to the attic. By the time she gets there, the phone rings again. It’s Peter’s friend, Charlie.)

Peter (answering): Thanks, Charlie.

(Bobby is at the top of the stairs and Peter gives him the okay sign. He goes up into her attic room.)

Bobby: Marcia.

Marcia: Yeah.

Bobby: Phone for you.

Marcia: Again?

Bobby: yeah.

(She goes back downstairs.)

Marcia: Who is it?

Peter; Your frined, Katie.

Marcia: Oh, good, thanks. (She goes to answer) Katie, hello, hello. (He hangs up) She hung up too. Can’t anybody wait till you get to the phone, it’s so annoying.

Peter (quietly): I bet it’s annoying.

(He laughs to himself and Marcia heads back into the room.)

Bobby (calling): Marcia.

Marcia: Yeah.

Bobby: Telephone again.

Marcia: Oh, no. (She goes back downstairs) Who is it this time?

Peter: Linda.

Marcia (answering): Hello, Linda, Linda, Linda. (She hangs up) You know something, Peter, I’m getting tired of this. This is really beginning to bug me.

Peter: No wonder. (The phone rings again) I’ll get it.

Marcia: No, I’ll get it. (She answers) Hello, Linda?

Peter: Oh, I just remembered, i have some homework I have to do.

Marcia (on the phone): Hey, Linda, why did you just call and hang up? You didn’t call? You’re studying with Katie. I’m beginning to smell a rat around here.

(Cut to the boys’ room, Marcia accuses Greg of the harassing phone calls.)

Greg: You got to be kidding, why would I do a dumb thing like that?

Marcia: To bug me. So maybe I’d give up the attic and appear exhaustion.

Greg: That’s ridiculous. If I were to do that, why would I give you the room in the first place?

Marcia: How should I know? Maybe you changed your mind and didn’t have the nerve to tell me.

Greg: You don’t really believe that.

Marcia: well who else would want me out of the attic.

(Bobby taps Peter and they start to leave. Greg catches them.)

Greg: I’ll bet I know. All right you two, start flapping your gums.

Peter: It was us, Greg didn’t have anything to do with it.

Greg: There.

Bobby: We’re sorry, Marcia.

Peter: We just wanted this room for ourselves.

Marcia: Well. ( she starts to smile) i guess I can understand thta. We all wanted our own room.

Peter: Then you’re not sore at us?

Marcia: No.

Bobby: Wow, I’d be furious.

Greg: That just proves Marcia is more mature, that’s all. You guys were just thinking about yourselves.

Marcia: I guess I was, too, Greg.

Greg: What do you mean?

Marcia: Well, about the attic. Mom and Dad were right. You’ll probably go to college next year and then, I’ll get my turn.

Greg: You mean you want me to have the attic now?

Marcia: I really do.

(Peter and Bobby move Greg’s bed back up to the attic and run into Alice agin.)

Alice: What are you doing now?

Peter: Moving Greg’s stuff to the attic.

Alice: You just moved him out of the attic, didn’t you?

Bobby: That’s right.

Alice: Well, why, what’s going on now.

Bobby: Well…

Alice: On second thought, don’t tell me. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing and ignorance is bliss.

(Late that night, Carol and Mike return home form the charity bazaar.)

Mike: I was telling John how great I thought the bazaar was, and he was telling me the Dittmeyer’s junk didn’t bring in near as much money as our junk did.

Carol: Well, I sure am glad to be home. All evening long I had this terrible feeling there was gonna be trouble over that attic.

Mike: Oh, honey, you and your woman’s intuition. I’ll bet none of them gave it a second thought.

Carol: I hope so.

(They go upstairs and look in the girls’ room. All three girls are fast asleep. Then they look in the boys’ room. Peter and Bobby separated their bunk beds. Mike picks up Peter’s robe, which fell to the floor. They go up to the attic, where Greg is sleeping.)

Carol: You were right. None of them gave it a second thought.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Cindy in the kitchen, writing on the blackboard.)

Cindy: 1975, terrible.

Alice: What’s terrible?

Cindy: Mom and Dad said we’d all have a turn to live in the attic by ourselves.

Alice: Is thaty terrible?

Cindy: No, that’s not the terrible part.

Alice: Then what is the terrible part?

Cindy: See, first, Greg gets the room, then Marcia, then Peter and Jan and Bobby.

Alice: Yeah.

Cindy: Then comes the terrible part. By the time I get to use the room, it’ll be almost the year 2000.

Alice: That is terrible.

(Cindy puts a X over the years on the blackboard.)


S4 E22 You Can’t Win ‘Em All

You Can’t Win ‘Em All

Written by Lois Hire

Cindy and Bobby are selected to take a test to appear on a brain quiz. Cindy passes but then develops an attitude about it. I hope you like the script.











MONTY MARSHALL, host of children’s quiz show

5 boys and girls on show

(The episode begins with Cindy coming home in a happy mood. She hops around the doghouse while Carol and Alice are inside putitng some groceries away.)

Carol: Alice, how come we buy the same things every week?

Alice: I think because we have the same kids every week.

(Cindy comes running in.)

Cindy: Mother, Alice.

Alice: Hi.

Cindy; Guess what happened at school today?

Carol: What?

Cindy: I was picked out of all the kids in school to be on a television show.

Carol: On a television show?

Cindy: Yeah, the one called Question the Kid.

Carol: Oh, that’s the one where kids from different schools compete against one another.

Cindy: Right.

Carol: Oh, that’s wonderful, sweetheart.

Alice: Congratulations, Cindy. When are you going to be on TV?

Cindy: Well, I’m not sure I’m gonna be on television, but I got picked.

Carol: You got picked to do what?

Cindy: Well, you see, there are different tests for different grades. And I got picked to take the test for my grade to see who gets picked to be on television.

Carol (hugging her): Well, that’s still terrific honey.

Bobby (coming in): Big deal. I got picked too, for my grade.

Carol: Both of you got picked?

Alice: That’s terrific.

Carol: Boy, we really got some brains in this family, huh, Alice?

Alice: Yeah, two eggheads in the same nest.

Bobby: Lots of kids get picked to take the test, but only four get to be on television.

Cindy: We’ll have to study real hard, or we wopn’t even have a chance to win.

Bobby: It’ll be a cinch, for me, anyway.

(He takes a bite out of an apple he took from the refrigerator. He and Cindy leave.)

Carol: Too bad Bobby’s suffering from a lack of confidence, isn’t it.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Bobby outside in the backyard putting up an Indian teepee. Cindy comes over to him.)

Cindy: Hey, Bobby, I got a great idea.

Bobby: What?

Cindy: We both have to take a test to be on a television show, so why don’t we study together.

Bobby: I haven’t got time.

Cindy: Why not?

Bobby: I’m busy. I’m building a real Indian teepee, like I saw in the movies.

Cindy: What’s so important about building an old teepee?

Bobby: Just ask any old Indian?

(Cindy ignores the comment and walks off. Next, Cindy is in her room studying and her sisters come in.)

Jan (to Marcia): I got to wash my hair today. Awful.

Marcia: I got to study my French. Many of it sounds like pig Latin.

Cindy: Jan, would you help me study?

Jan: I’m sorry, Cindy, I can’t. I got to wash my hair.

Cindy: Can’t you wash it tomorrow?

Jan: What? And take a chance to have it oily follicled?

Cindy: Would you help me study, Marcia?

Marcia: I can’t, Cindy. I got to study this French vocabulary.

Cindy: Then I guess I might as well forget about being on television.

(Jan and Marcia become surprised.)

Jan: You mean you made it?

Marcia: You mean you got picked to take the television test we were talking about?

Cindy: Yeah.

Jan: Well, sure we’ll help you.

Cindy: You will?

Marcia: Sure.

Jan (pointing at two books Cindy has): Gee, you have to learn both those bag books?

Cindy: Oh, no. (She takes a few more books out form underneath her bed) All these too.

(Bobby is still working on his teepee and Greg and Peter come by.)

Greg: Hey, Bobby, aren’t you supposed to be studying?

Bobby: What for?

Peter: That test for the television show. Don’t you want to be on TV?

Bobby: Sure, but I know all that stuff.

Greg: Cindy’s really studying for her test.

Bobby: Maybe I’m smarter than she is.

Peter: You’re not too smart about putting up a teepee.

Greg: Come on, let’s help.

(They try to join Bobby in putting it up.)

Bobby: Hold it, I know all about putting up one of these.

Greg (sarcastically): Well, listen to Big Chief Know it all.

(Greg and Peter walk away to play basketball.)

Greg (to Peter): You start.

(They start to play as we cut inside to Carol, who’s on the phone.)

Carol: Uh-huh, just you, the Swansons and the Clarks. No, no, no, just wear something casual. Mike’s gonna barbecue. Okay, right, on Saturday the 3rd. Okay, bye.

(She hangs up an dwe go back inside, where Bobby finished.)

Bobby: Hey, you guys. Look.

(They rush over to check out the job he did on building the teepee.)

Peter: Wow!

Greg: Not bad!

Bobby: See, I told you, I can do it all by myself. (Suddenly, the teepee collapses) Hey!

(The guys make fun of him. Next, Mike is cleaning the grill with Alice’s help.)

Mike: Hey, Alice, I think the solution is finally getting the rust off the barbecue.

Alice: The Watsons just got some special stuff that I sprayed off the grill and ate the rust right away.

Mike: Well, why don’t we use that.

Alice: Because it ate the grill too.

(Carol comes out.)

Carol: Mike, I just talked to the Clarks and the Bernsteins and they said the 3rd will be just great.

Mike: Hey, good, oh listen, I forgot to tell you I ran into Ross Allen and Don Metzger and they heard about the party from Chuck Swanson so I had to invite them too.

Carol: But, honey, if we invite the Allens and the Metzgers, then we’re gonna have to invite the Kauffmans and the Burkes.

Mike: Well, we’ll ask them too.

Carol: Steaks for 14 people?

Mike: Then I can take a loan on the house.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, why don’t we have a Mexican dinner. It costs a lot less.

Carol: Hey, Alice, that sounds like a greta idea.

Mike: Listen, I thought you wanted me to barbecue.

Alice: I got some great Mexican recipes. They come in three degrees, hot, super hot, and, pass the fire extinguisher.

Carol: I think hot will be hot enough. I’ll bet that pass the fire extinguisher one is really something special.

Alice: Automatically makes you a Mexican citizen.

(They laugh and Carol and Alice go inside. Alice shows Carol some recipes. Mike is left outside alone.)

Mike (calling): Carol.

Carol (stopping): Yeah?

Mike: What about my barbecue?

Carol: Oh, it looks just terrific. Adios.

(Mike repeats to himself sarcastically how terrific she thinks it is. He acisentally gets rust on his face.)

(Cut to the boys’ room, Grega nd Peter are tutoring Cindy for the test.)

Greg (looking in a book): Ah hah, here’s one. Who gave the famous speech that started, four score and seven years ago?

Cindy: Abraham Lincoln.

Greg: That’s right.

Peter: I’m gonna give you one to test your logic. So listen real carefully, it’s tricky.

Cindy: Okay.

Peter: You’re a bus driver, and the bus is empty. At your first stop, 10 people get on. At your second stop, nine people get off but two more get on. Okay?

Cindy: Okay?

Peter: Okay, at your next stop, two people get on, and four people get off. You got that?

Cindy: Got it.

Peter: Okay, now here’s your question. What’s the name of the bus driver?

Cindy: The name of the bus driver?

Peter: Yeah.

Cindy: How should I know?

Peter: Cindy Brady. I said younwere the bus driver. I told you it was tricky.

Cindy: That was real tricky.

Greg: Okay, here’s another one, Cindy. Let’s see if you can get this. It’s tricky now, you ready?

Cindy: I’m ready.

Greg: There’s a rooster and he’s sitting on top of a house, and it has a slanted roof. Now, when he lays an egg, which side will it roll off?

Cindy: It won’t roll off at all, because roosters don’t lay eggs.

Greg (laughing): That’s right.

Peter: That’s using logic.

(The next morning, Mike an dcarol are in the kitchen with Alice.)

Alice: Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Yeah.

Alice: I found that magazine with the recipes in it.

Carol: Good, we can get started on our smorgasbord menu.

Mike: What smorgasbord menu?

Carol: For our party on the 10th?

Mike: We’re having our party on the 3rd.

Carol: Oh, didn’t I tell you? The Kauffmans and the burkes couldn’t make it on the 3rd so we switched it to the 10th.

Mike: What about all that Mexican food?

Carol: Oh, honey, you see, the Swansons and the Allens have guests that weekend, and the Metzger’s uncle is visiting them form Seattle. So, they have to bring them along and it’s too many people for a sit down dinner.

Alice: So, instead of Mexican dinner on the 3rd, we’re gonna have smorgasbord on the 10th.

Carol: Right.

Mike: We not only change dates, we change continents.

(Bobby and Cindy come out, ready for school.)

Mike: Oh, that’s right. Today is the day of the TV test, isn’t it?

Bobby: I got it down cold.

Mike: Yeah, good luck.

Carol: Good luck, honey. (she turns to Cindy) How about you, Cindy, are you ready for it?

Cindy: Well, I’ll just try to do my best.

Carol: Well, honey, that’s all any of us can do. (She kisse sher) Good-bye.

(Cindy kisses mike good bye.)

Mike: Good luck. (Cindy leaves and Mike starts mumbling to himself) I don’t understand what happened, we got smorgasbord, when we have 40 pounds of Mexican food. the party on the 10th is on the 3rd. I wonder how this happened.

(Later on, Alice and Carol are studying all kinds of recipes.)

Carol: Find anytihng interesting for our smorgasbord, Alice?

Alice: Nothing I can pronounce.

Carol: Here’s one that sounds good but it’s complicated. I don’t know if you can make it. It’s a recipe for (smor catula).

Alice: If you can say it, I can make it.

Carol: Here’s some more. Here’s (ravor rag toush), (parish torche), (shmore steak) and an old stand-by (friccadella).

NOTE: If anybody can give me the proper spelling of these dishes, please, I would really appreciate it.)

Alice: Such language, I’m glad the children aren’t around.

Carol: I can’t wait to see how this dinner turns out.

Alice: I got some more recipes in that magazine in my room. I’ll get it.

Carol: Okay.

(She gets up and then Cindy comes home.)

Cindy: Mom, Mom, I won, I won, I’m gonna be on television!

Carol: Oh, sweetheart, I’m so proud of you.

Cindy: Me too.

Carol: How did Bobby do?

Cindy: I didn’t even wait to find out. I wanted to come home and tell you about me.

Carol: Oh, congratulations, honey. Why don’t you tell Alice the news. She’;s in her room.

(Cindy rushes to see Alice and then Bobby comes in.)

Bobby: Hi.

Carol: Hi. (He starts to pass by her) Hey, come here. How did you do on the test?

Bobby: I got wiped out?

Carol: Aww, I’m sorry, honey.

Bobby: It was a tough test.

Carol: Really tough, huh?

Bobby: It was so tough, lots of guys didn’t make it.

Carol: Let’s face it chump, you didn’t make it because you didn’t study.

Bobby: Well, maybe not too much.

Carol: Yeah, maybe not at all.

Bobby: I guess.

(He walks through the kitchen and sees Cindy. She’s coming out of Alice’s room.)

Cindy: Bobby. You’re gonna be on the television show with me, aren’t you?

Bobby: You mean you won?

Cindy: Sure, didn’t you?

Bobby: No. It was a tough test.

Cindy: Tough? It was easy for me. I guess I’m just smarter than you are.

(She walks away with her nose stuck in the air. The scene fades away.)

(The next scene has Mike coming home. He sees Bobby in his teepee.)

Mike: How?

Bobby: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Well, I heard of a tribe named Blackfoot, never heard of a tribe named sneakerfoot. (Bobby comes out of the teepee) You did a nice job on your teepee.

Bobby: Yeah, better job than I did on that test.

Mike: Well, cheer up, it’s not the end of the world.

Bobby: I guess I was a real dummy for not studying.

Mike: Yeah, well, never make a mistake, never learn a lesson.

Bobby: I guess so.

Mike: Yeah, it’s all water under the bridge. Okay, chief. (He puts his hand up and so does Bobby) How.

Bobby: How.

(Mike goes inside and Cindy comes by.)

Bobby: Hey, Cindy, you want to play in the teepee.

Cindy (snobbishly): Don’t be silly.

Bobby: What’s silly about it?

Cindy: I might get dirty.

Bobby: So what?

Cindy: Television stars don’t play in teepees, and they don’t get dirty.

Bobby: Who’s the television star?

Cindy: I am, that’s who.

(She goes inside and Bobby makes a face. Alice is in the kitchen making dinner.)

Alice: Hi, Cindy, wanna lick the bowl.

Cindy: No thanks, it’s not ladylike.

Alice: Ladylike?

Cindy: Yes. What are we having for dinner?

Alice: Swiss steak and spaghetti.

Cindy: Not me.

Alice: Honey, those are two of your favorites.

Cindy: Not anymore they’re not, they’re rich and fattening.

Alice: Sure, all that good stuff is.

Cindy: Just fix me a small salad please.

(She starts walking away.)

Alice: Wait a second, do you mind telling me why the special diet?

Cindy: A star can’t go on television all fat and broken out.

(She leaves and Alice gives a confused look. Cut to the boys’ room. Greg is on his bed reading and Peter comes in. Cindy is in the bathroom, playing with her hair.)

Peter: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Peter: Cindy’s at it again.

Greg: She’s been in there an hour. (He mimics Cindy) When you’re a TV star, your hair has to be just right.

Peter: How many ways can there be to fix hair?

Greg: She’s tried everything but an Afro.

Peter: If she keeps this up, she won’t have to worry about her hair on TV, she’ll be bald.

(They laugh as Cindy goes into her room, where Marcia and Jan are studying.)

Cindy: I was wondering, do you think I have to have my ears pierced?

Marcia: C indy, the last thing you need is two more holes in your head.

(Cindy goes over to the closet and takes a few dresses out.)

Jan: Oh, no.

Marcia: Cindy, not again.

Cindy: I have to make sure I wear just the right thing on television, don’t I?

(She places the dresses on her bed.)

Jan: But Cindy, you already tried these dresses on umpteen times.

Cindy: So, I don’t know which one goes best with my hair and my eyes.

Jan: Cindy, you’re really getting to be a drag.

Marcia: You’re acting as if it was a beauty contest instead of a brain quiz.

Jan: Okay then, name me one big television star who isn’t worried about the way she looks.

Jan: Lassie.

Cindy (putting her hands up): Arf, arf.

(Marcia and Jan leave the room as Mike and Carol come in with several bags of groceries.)

Mike: Well, (he places a few on the table) 6 shopping carts full. I think that’s a new record.

Carol: Yeah. (She puts some more bags down on the pantry) But you got to admit, this smorgasbord was a pretty good idea. We got enough food to feed all our friends, their relatives, their houseguests, plus any last minute drop-ins.

Mike: Even their drop-ins can bring their drop-ins.

(Alice comes out.)

Seems you got plenty of smorgis for the bord.

Mike: They’re still more smorgis in the car.

Carol: Hey Alice, were there any calls while we were out?

Alice: Just one. The school called to give you the date of Cindy’s television show.

Cindy: Oh, good.

Mike: When is it?

Alice: I’ll give you a hint. You’re gonna be eating this stuff a long, long time.

Carol: Alice, you don’t mean.

Alice: I do mean.

Mike: No, no, no, no, no.

Alice: Yes, yes, yes.

Carol (annoyed): Naturally, the 10th. The night of our party.

Alice: I’ll get the rest of the stuff out of the car.

Mike (dramatically): You know, I don’t believe it. First, we were gonna invite a few friends over for a barbecued steaks. Then we change to a Mexican dinner so we can invite more people. So I cancel the steaks, I run all over town in search of authentic Mexican food. (He gets more dramatic as he goes on) Then, we switch to a smorgasbord so we can have friends and friends of friends and uncles and relatives and assorted drop-ins. But now, I have got enough Mexican food to fed every guitar player in Guatemala. And, I corner the market on haring. Now, I find out that we are having a party on the 10th for 26 people on the 10th and the only people who are not gonna be here are us.

(Carol claps.)

Carol: That was a wonderful silhouette. Are you finished?

Mike: Yes.

Carol: Maybe you better go help Alice get the rest of the things out of the car. (He goes outside) Poor dear.

(Marcia and Jan come downstairs.)

Marcia: Mom, we’re gonna study in the family room.

Carol: Oh, what’s wrong with your own room?

Jan: It’s too full of Cindy (she flashes her hair) the television star.

Marcia: She has her clothes scattered all over and she never stops talking about being on television.

(Meanwhile, Cindy is upstairs trying on earrings. Carol comes in to speak to her.)

Cindy: How do you think these look, Mom?

Carol: Terrible. You are much too young to be wearing Marcia’s earrings. I can see now why Marcia and Jan are complaining.

Cindy: They’re just jealous.

Carol: They are not jealous, and they’re not the only ones complainng.

Cindy: If you mean Bobby, he’s just mad because he was too dumb to win.

Carol: Listen, sweetheart, Bobby is not dumb. He didn’t win it’s just because he didn’t study.

Cindy: Well, that’s dumb. Besides, he’s a bad loser.

Carol: It seems to me that you’re a bad winner. You know, you shouldn’t put down a loser, Cindy, because you might be one yourself someday. (He touches her chin to make her look up) Just remember that.

(She leaves and Cindy tries the earrings on again. Next, she is getting ready to leave for the show.)

Cindy (to Jan and Marcia): Don’t you want to come watch me be on television?

Marcia: No, thanks.

Jan: I’ve had you and TV up to here.

(Pointing to her chin.)

Cindy: Okay then, you’re gonna miss all the excitement.

Marcia (sarcastically): We’ll try to live through it.

Cindy (leaving the room): I never thought my own sisters would be so jealous.

Jan (to Marcia): She’s got a size 10 body and a size 24 head.

(Next, she goes in to see the boys.)

Cindy: I’m leaving for the show now.

Bobby: Hooray.

(She goes over to Greg and Peter, they are playing checkers.)

Cindy: Would you boys like to be the first to get my autograph?

Peter (laughing): Autograph?

Greg (sarcastically): I’m afraid that’s just too big an honor for us, Cindy.

Cindy: Okay, you had your chance.

(Meanwhile, Mike and Carol are downstairs waiting.)

Carol (calling): Cindy, will you please come on?

Mike: it’s time to leave.

(Alice comes out of the den.)

Alice: You folks all set to go?

Carol: Yeah, hey, Alice, will you try to get the kids to watch Cindy on television?

Mike: Cindy!

Cindy (coming down the stairs): I’m coming, I’m coming.

Alice: Good luck, honey.

Cindy: Do you think this dress will look good on color TV? Maybe I better wear my blue one.

(She starts going up the stairs. Her parents stop her and they leave.)

Carol: Good-bye, Alice.

Alice: Good-bye.

(We take you to the studio. Monty Marshall, the host, is talking to Cindy and all the other kids.)

Marshall: Now, don’t forget, kids. When this little red light goes on, we’re on the air, and we’ll be in everybody’s living room. Now, does everybody have their thinking caps on?

Kids: Yes, sir.

Marshall: Good, take your places.

(Back home, Alice is turning the TV on and all the kids come into the living room.)

Alice: I was just about to call you kids.

Marcia: Alice, we wouldn’t miss Cindy for anything.

Alice: That’s what I call real family spirit.

Bobby: We want to see the smarty pants fall right on her big fat head.

Jan: Yeah, we can’t wait to see her bomb.

Alice: Like I said, real family spirit.

(Bobby goes to adjust the sound.)

Greg: Hey Bobby, turn it up, will you?

(Cut back to the show.)

Marshall: The questions I’ll be asking are based on your regular school test. So when you know the answer, just raise your hand. and remember, when that little red camera goes on, we’re on the air.

(They wait in anticipation for the camera to turn on. As soon as it does, Cindy just sits there and stares.)

Marshall: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the question the kid show. I’m Monty Marshall, your quizmaster, and tonight, it’s Clinton grammar school vs. Woodside, and may the better team win. (Cindy is still sitting there staring) Now, here’s your first question. listen very carefully. Four score and seven years ago, is the beginning of what speech? (A student from Woodside raises his hand) Woodside.

Woodside student: Lincoln’s Gettysburg address.

Marshall: That’s right. How was the word swiftly used in the following sentence? The boy ran swiftly. (One of Cindy’s teammates raises her hand) Clinton.

Clinton student: As an adverb.

Marshall: that’s right.

(Mike and Carol notice Cindy from the audience.)

Carol: What’s the matter with Cindy?

Mike: She’s staring at the camera, she’s got television itis.

Marshall: Spell the word thoroughfare. (A student from Woodside raises her hand) Woodside.

Woodside student #2: t-h-o-r-o-u-g-h-f-a-r-e.

Marshall: That’s right.

(Alice and the kids start to worry.)

Marcia: What’s wrong with Cindy?

Greg: She’s not even raising her hand.

Bobby: Talk about dumb.

Jan: She knows all those answers by heart.

Peter: Then why isn’t she answering them?

Marshall: Now, name the last two states to join the union.

Jan: How come Cindy just sits there?

Peter: She looks scared.

Alice: Come on, Cindy, loosen up.

Marshall: Woodside.

Woodside student #3: Alaska and Hawaii.

Marshall: Right.

Marcia: Oh, she knew that.

Marshall: Now, name the capitol of Louisiana.

Bobby: Come on, Cindy, I know you know this one.

Jan: Come on, Cindy, raise your hand.

Marcia: Cindy, you know it, Baton Rouge, Baton Rouge.

Marshall: Woodside.

Woodside student #1: Baton Rouge.

Marshall: That’s correct. Now, how many pecks are in a bushel. (a teammate of Cindy’s raises his hand) Clinton.

Clinton student #2: Four.

Marshall: Right.

(An embarrassed Cindy returns home later with her parents.)

Cindy: I don’t want to see anybody. They’ll all make fun of me.

Mike: It’s not gonna get any easier later.

(All the other kids and Alice come out and praise Cindy.)

Jan: You looked terrific.

Peter: Especially your hair.

Marcia: Your dress was fantastic.

Alice: You were the prettiest girl there.

Greg: Yeah, we all thought so.

Cindy (upset): I didn’t answer a single question. I was a real dumb dumb.

Bobby: Cindy, Cindy, I was the dumb dumb. I didn’t even pass the test. You studied and you got on TV.

Cindy: Bobby, you’re a terrific brother.

(She kisses his cheek and goes upstairs, much to Bobby’s dismay.)

Bobby (bitterly): Women, one nice word and you get all wet!

(They all laugh.)

Carol: Poor baby.

(She hugs him and the rest of the family comforts him. The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike is in his den. Carol comes in.)

Carol: Well, honey, I got it all worked out.

Mike: Yeah, what’s that?

Carol: Well, I called the Swansons, the Bernsteins, the Clarks, the Kauffmans, the Burkes, the Metzgers and the Allens. It took a lot of juggling but theyThe 24th, huh?

Carol: Yep, thta’s when we’re gonna have the party.

Mike: Great, I’ll phone you. Let me know if you’re having a good time.

Carol: What do you mean you’ll phone me?

Mike: Because that’s the weekend I’ll be out of town for the convention, remember?

Carol: Catch me.

(She faints into Mike’s arms.)


S4 E21 You’re Never Too Old

You’re Never Too Old

Written by Ben Gershman and Bill Freedman

Carol’s grandmother comes to visit and the kids set her up with Mike’s grandfather. I hope you enjoy the script.













The episode begins with Alice straightening up the living room. Marcia and Jan are coming home from school. They put their books on the table but Alice stops them.)

Alice: Ah, ah, ah, messing up the house today is a no-no. Surprise visitor coming.

Jan: Who?

Alice: Your mother’s grandmother from Kentucky.

Marcia (excited): Great-Grandma Hutchins?

Jan: Oh, terrific.

(They attempt to put their books down on the table but Alice stops them.)

Alice: Your Mom and Dad went to the airport to pick her up.

Marcia: Oh, I can’t wait. It’s been years since we’ve seen her.

Jan: Wait till you meet her. You’ll love Great Grandma Hutchins.

Alice: I’m sure I will. She must be an old lady by now.

Jan: Old? Somehow I never think of her as old.

Marcia: Me either. She’s got so much go, go, go.

Alice: Well, if you haven’t seen her for years, don’t be surprised if some of her go, go, go is gone, gone, gone.

(Mrs. Hutchins walks in.)

Great Grandma: What kind of welcome is this? Where’s the brass band?

(Marcia and Jan get excited and throw their books in Alice’s arms to run over and greet her.)

Marcia and Jan: Oh, Great Grandma Hutchins.

(They give her big hugs.)

Great grandma: Oh, you precious kitties, you look beautiful. And thta’s without my specs.

(Carol and Mike follow her in.)

Mike: Oh, come on, Grandma, for God’s sakes, don’t spoil them.

(They see Alice holding the girls’ books.)

Carol: Alice, I’d like you to meet the pride of Owensboro, Kentucky. The one and only Connie Hutchins.

Great Grandma: Put it there, Alice.

(She shakes her hand.)

Alice: I’m glad to meet you, Mrs. Hutchins. I heard a lot about you.

Great Grandma: Lies, all lies, unless, of course, it was something nice.

Carol: grandma, wouldn’t you like to freshen up a bit after your trip.

Great Grandma: Well, that’s mighty kind of you.

Mike: Well, I’m sorry we can’t have dinner with you tonight, Grandma.

Carol: Oh, yes, we really are.

Mike: Like I said, you caught us by surprise and we had that dinner date with my boss for a week.

Great Grandma: Well, don’t you worry about that, honey. It’ll just give me more time to get to know these precious children better.

(Mike and Carol smile.)

Alice (to the girls): Here, kids, take your books. I’ll show Mrs. Hutchins where she’s gonna stay.

lice shows her to her room and the girls go upstairs.)

Mike: What a gal. How come a woman like that never got married again?

Carol: I guess at her age, a good man is hard to find.

Mike: Listen, at any age a good man is hard to find.

Carol: Yeah, don’t I know it.

Mike: I’m gonna tell Grandma on you.

(They laugh. Marcia and Jan are still on the stairs.)

Marcia: Did you hear that?

Jan: What?

Marcia: About a good man. I know a man who would make a wonderful husband for Grandma, and he’s not hard to find.

Jan: Who?

Marcia: Dad’s grandfather, Great Grandpa Brady.

Jan: Right.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Marcia and Jan running to answer the door. It’s great Grandpa Brady.)

Marcia: Hi, Grandpa. (They give him hugs.) It’s so good to see you.

Great Grandpa: It’s always a pleasure to help out my great-granddaughters.

Marcia: Oh, Grandpa, about that term paper, I found what i needed in my civics book so, I’m sorry I bothered you.

Jan: But we’re glad you’r ehere anyway because they’re a visitor we want you to meet.

Great Grandpa: Oh.

Jan: Our great-grandmother from Kentucky.

Great Grandpa: Oh.

Jan: She’s really with it.

Marcia: And far out.

Great Grandpa: With it? Far out? Children nowadays seem to have trouble expressing themselves with words from the English language.

Jan: That’s modern English, Grandpa.

Great Grandpa: Modern, perhaps, English, no.

(They take him into the living room and Alice comes out.)

Alice: Hi, Judge Brady.

Great Grandpa: Good afternoon, Alice.

Alice: How have you been?

Judge Brady: Oh, splendid, thank you. But as Pliny the Elder said to Seneca when they met in the forum, omne ignotum, pro magnifico.

(He laughs and so does Alice.)

Alice: Oh, that plimy really knew where his head was at.

(Outside, the boys are playing basketball with Great Grandma coaching. Bobby goes to take a shot but Greg and Peter stop him. She whistles.)

Great Grandma: Fowl! Charge it!

Bobby: I can’t help it, they’re taller than I am!

Great Grandma (coming over): Well, sonny, you have got to try to find a way to outsmart them. Now, I’m gonna show you the way Jerry West does it. You just stand over there and watch.

Bobby: Okay.

(Bobby goes over and join Cindy, who is watching.)

Great Grandma (to Greg and Peter): You two boys try to guard me. (She takes the ball) You boys ready? Here I come. (She starts to dribble) Watch it.

Bobby: Get ’em, Grandma. You can make it. Go on, right behind you. Go on, shoot! You can make it! Go on! (She dribbles the ball) Shoot!

(She turns around and shoots the ball into the net. They all cheer.)

Great Grandma (to Bobby): Well, honey, that’s what you call a real fakeout. You just gotta have the moves. Now come on, you try.

Bobby: Okay.

(He goes to play. Great Grandpa puts his glasses on and watches in disbelief.)

Great Grandpa: That’s your great grandma?

Marcia: Yep, that’s Great Grandma.

(She and Jan look at each other and make motions with pride. Next, they sit down at the patio with Alice’s help.)

Alice: You two get acquainted while I make some lemonade.

Great Grandma: Well, that’s mighty kind of you, Alice. Thank you.

Great Grandpa: Thank you. That would be very pleasant indeed.

(He sits down.)

Great Grandma: Well, I never met a real-life judge before.

Great Grandpa: Well, I’m retired at present.

Great Grandma: What happened? Did you get tired of sending them to the hokie?

(She laughs and he gets irritated.)

Great Grandpa: Madam, I like to think I dispensed justice fairly in the 40 years I sat on the bench.

Great Grandma: 40 years on the bench? (He nods) You must’ve picked up a seatful of splinters. (She laughs and pats his knee, much to his chagrin) You know, there’s something I always wondered about judges.

Great Grandpa: What would that be?

Great Grandma: Is it true that on hot days, judges don’t wear any pants under their robes?

Great Grandpa (angry): My good woman, I certainly can’t speak for all judges, but I assure you, hot or cold, I always wore my trousers.

Great Grandma: Too bad.

(Marcia and Jan come out with the lemonade.)

Marcia: Here’s your lemonade.

Great Grandma: Thank you.

Jan: You’re welcome.

Marcia: It looks like you two are really getting to know each other.

Great Grandpa: Well, these past few moments have proved most dehumanating.

Marcia: Right on.

Jan: Groovy.

(They correct themselves to gain Great Grandpa’s approval.)

Marcia: Delightful.

Jan: Splendid.

Great Grandpa: That’s better.

(The girls go into the kitchen to see Alice.)

Cindy: Hi, Alice.

Marcia: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi.

Marcia: Uh, Alice, how do you feel about helping two people fall in love?

Alice: I’m all for it, especially if one of those two people turns out to be me.

Cindy: We’re talking about Grandma and Grandpa.

Alice: Grandma and Grandpa?

Jan: You see, right after Mom and Dad go out, all us other kids will make excuses to leave too.

Marcia: So, you can serve Grandma and Grandpa a romantic candlelight dinner for two.

Alice: Ooh, you little devils.

Cindy: Okay, Alice.

Alice: Okay. You get them to the launching pad, and I’ll fuel them up a blast.

Marcia: Oh, great.

(Next, Grandma and Grandpa are in the living room sipping champagne.

Great Grandpa (handing Great Grandma her drink): There you are.

Great Grandma: Thank you.

(They clink their glasses and Grandpa makes a toast.)

Great Grandpa: Well, here’s to today and all of time. Here’s to good health. Yours and mine.

Great Grandma: Right up the flagpole.

(Grandpa gets a little annoyed. Grandma takes a big sip of hers. Sher notices Grandpa sniffng at his.)

Great Grandma: Is something wrong with yours, judge?

Great Grandpa: Oh, no, I was merely enjoying the pleasant old colors.

Great Grandma: While you’re doing all that, would you mind hitting me again?

Great Grandpa: Pardon. (He realizes what she means) Oh, yes, of course. You just hold your glass and I will pour. (He pours) There you go.

Great Grandma: All the way, honey.

(He pours a couple more drops into her glass. The boys come down the stairs.)

Greg: Grandpa, Grandma.

Great Grandma: Hi.

Greg: I’m sorry but I’m gonna have to skip dinner tonight.

Great Grandpa: Oh, thta’s too bad.

Greg: I got a heavy date, you know how it is.

Great Grandma: We remember how it was.

Greg: Good night.

Peter: Bobby and I have to go too. My friend Willie’s got a sprained ankle andhe’s wrapped up in bed.

Bobby: Yeah, we’re going over to cheer him up.

Great Grandpa: Well, that’s very commendable. (He motions for them to come closer) You know as Homer said, friendship is proved by adversity.

Bobby: Uh, yeah.

Great Grandpa: Bye.

Bobby: Bye.

Peter: Bye.

(The girls come downstairs now.)

Marcia: Hey, Greg, wait up, you can drop us off. Grandma, Grandpa, sorry, we can’t stay for dinner.

Jan: Our ballet teacher is having a recital. We said we’d come.

Cindy: We promised.

Great Grandma: Good-bye, children. Have fun. (to grandpa) Well, judge, that leaves just you and me. (She clinks her glass with his) Here’s to solitary confinement.

Great Grandpa: Pardon?

Great Grandma: Come on, honey, where’s your sense of humor.

(She elbows him and he pretends to laugh. Later on, they are at the table having dinner.)

Great Grandpa: Why is it that people have to eat in the dark? I wonder.

(Alice comes out with their food.)

Alice: Is everything all right, folks?

Greta Grandma: Ooh, Alice, fine, Alice.

Great Grandpa: My compliments, Alice.

Alice: Wait till you see the dessert.

Great Grandpa: There you are, swetie.

(She gives Alice the salad dish.)

Great Grandpa: I wonder why we need that music.

Great Grandma: Ooh, I like it, turns me on. (she gets up) Makes me feel like I want to dance.

Great Grandpa: Well, not me.

Great Grandma: Oh, come on, judgie, I’ll bet you used to fox a pretty mean trot in your day. (She tries to get him up) Come on, how about a little dance. It’s good for your digestive system. Come on, get up there. That’s the way.

Great Grandpa: Madam, don’t you think this fosse has gone far enough?

Great Grandma: Fosse?

Great Grandpa: Your entire transparent scheme. Children conveniently disappearing, cozy dinner for two, romantic music and candlelight.

Great Grandma (furious): You think I planned all this?

Great Grandpa: I think it’s obvious. But your romantic fantasies are not about to come true.

(Alice comes out with dessert and recites it in French.)

Great Grandma (yelling): Romantic fantasies! Who’d want an old goat like you?

Great Grandpa: Old goat?

Great Grandma: Yes, old goat!

Great Grandpa: Madam, may I remind you that you’re an old spring chicken yourself. (She gets extremely furious) Excuse me.

Great Grandma: Oh, judge.

Great Grandpa: And it’s too late to apologize!

Great Grandma: Apologize, my foot! You forgot your hat!

Great Gtandpa: Good evening.

Great grandma: Good-bye!

(He leaves and she angrily goes to another room. The scene fades.)

(The next scene takes us to the next morning. Marcia and Greg come into the kitchen where Alice is working.)

Marcia: Hi, Alice.

alice: Good morning.

Greg: Good morning.

(Marciua looks in the family room.)

Marcia: Hey, where’s Grandma?

Alice: About on her third lap, I guess.

Greg: Third lap?

Alice: Around the block. She came in, grabbed an orange, and jogged off. Plucking the army.

Greg (laughing): She really is something.

Marcia: Alice, did she have a nice evening with Grandpa?

Alice: Well, I think there’s a better word to describe it than nice.

Marcia: Wonderful?

Alice: Nope.

Marcia: Beautiful?

Alice: Nope.

Marcia: What?

Alice: Disasterful.

Greg: Well, what happened?

Alice: Well, at dinner, one word led to another and by the time they put the words together, they were not talking.

Marcia: Oh, no.

Greg: What started it?

Alice: Well, I don’t know how it started but I do know how it ended.

Marcia: How?

Alice: She called him an old goat, then he called her an old chicken, and he split the barnyard.

Marcia: We gotta do something, we can’t let them stay angry at each other.

Greg: I told you not to meddle.

(Marcia starts to mope as Grandma comes in from her jog.)

Marcia: Hi, Grandma.

Greg: Good morning.

Great Grandma: Good morning there. (she aims an orange at Greg( Think fast. honey. (she throws the orange to him) I tell you (she goes to sit down) I come out in the morning to get my blood circulating.

Marcia: I understand you had a little argument with Grandpa last night.

Great Grandma: Marcia, I wouldn’t speak to that man again if he was the only man on earth left with the key to the wine filler.

Greg: Grandma, I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said.

Great Grandma: I know what he said, for the first time he was talki ng in English instead of in Latin.

Marcia: I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding.

Great Grandma: Not on my part, honey. Can you imagine him thinking I was trying to trap him? Ha, I wouldn’t take him on a silver platter with an apple in his mouth.

Marcia: Grandma.

Great Grandma: Him calling me old. His wrinkles have got wrinkles an dhe’s calling me old. Ooh, I’m getting so steamed up I think I’m gonna have to take anothe rlap.

(She grabs another orange and runs outside.)

Greg: You’ll never get anywhere with Grandma.

Marcia: Maybe I’ll have a talk with Grandpa.

Greg: Why don’t you jus tleave them alone.

Marcia: Because if I do, they’ll never get together and fall in love.

Alice: Love? Right now, you’ll be smart to settle for mutual indifference.

(Next, Marcia and Jan pay a visit to Great Grandpa.)

Marcia: granbdpa, as a judge, you always have to be fair and reasonable, don’t you.

Great Grandpa: i have always been fair and reasonable.

Marcia: Then last night, didn’t you kind of convict Grandma Hutchins on circumstancial evidence?

Great Grandpa: My dear, that opinion is open to question.

Jan: But Marcia and I are willing to swear that Grandma had nothing to do with arranging that dinner for two.

Great Grandpa: Well, Jan, if you say so, then I must accept that fact.

Marcia: well then there’s no reason to phone her and apologize.

Great Grandpa: Never! Nomen est nomen.

Jan: What does that mean?

Great Grandpa: A name is a name. Old goat.

Marcia: that’s just a figure of speech.

Greta Grandpa: And smell. Now I know she sent you girls here to say all this, but you can tell her for me, (he makes a legal term in Latin, then uses his gavel) case thrown out of court.

(Back home, the kids are arguing baout how to get the grandparents together.)

Greg: We told you to butt out.

Marcia: We were justt rying to do something nice.

Greg: Marcia, if you ever want to do something nice for me, give me a warning, (to Peter) want a chance to get out of town.

Jan: Boys are never any help.

Cindy: Yeah, Bobby’s not even here worrying. He’s out playing in the park with Grandpa.

Marcia: Hey, wait a minute, Bobby’s out playing in the park with Grandpa.

Cindy: That’s what i just said.

Marcia: Cindy, how would you like to go to the park with Grandma.

(Cut to the park. Bobby is playing with an airplane while Grandpa watches.)

Bobby: Watch this perfect landing, Grandpa.

Great Grandpa: All right.

(Cindy and great Grandma arrive at the park.)

Cindy: I love coming to the park, don’t you, grandma?

Great Grandma: Oh, I sure do, honey. I loved coming to the park ever since I was a little girl just your age, which was only a few weeks ago.

(Bobby lands his plane with Grandpa watching.)

Great Grandpa: Oh, huh, I think you need a little more rutte rthere.

Bobby: Yeah.

(He sits down and Great Grandpa readjusts the plane. Cindy sees them.)

Cindy: Hey, look, there’s Grandpa.

(She half drags Great Grandma to Greta Gtrandma and Bobby.)

Great Grandma: Ooh, careful sweetheart, I don’t have my running shoes on.

Cindy: Bobby, what a pleasant surprise.

Bobby: What’s the surprise? I always come here.

Cindy: There’s something on the other side of the park you’ve got to see.

Bobby: What is it?

Cindy: It’s a squirrel.

Bobby: I see millions of squirrels.

Cindy: This one collects nuts.

Bobby: They all collect nuts.

Cindy (to the grandparents): We’ll be right back.

(She grabs him by the arm and lures him away.)

Great Grandpa (to Great Grandma): You may sit down, madam, it’s all yours. (She starts to laugh) What inquires do you find so amusing?

Great Grandma: You got thta silly hat perched on your head just like you did last night when you marched out of thta room with smoke coming out of your ears.

Great Grandpa: I believe I left with my customary dignity. (He turns to leave then he stops) Oh, by the way, (he takes off his hat) I believe i owe you an apology. I jumped to a conclusion last night which I understand was not true.

Great Grandma: Well, I guess I owe you an apology too. But when I get hot under the collar, my mouth just flies in all directions.

Great Grandpa: Well, perhaps we were both at fault. (He puts his hat back on and starts to walk) Good day, mrs. Hutchins.

Great Grandma: Oh, what’s your hurry, judge? (He stops) Why don’t you just park it here on the bench and give it another trial.

(They both go to sit down. he takes his hat off again.)

Great Grandpa: Well, perhaps just for a moment.

(Bobby and Cindy witness this.)

Cindy: It’s working.

Great Grandpa: Oh, by the way, Mrs. Hutchins.

Great Grandma: Oh, make that Connie, would you, Hank?

Great Grandpa: Hank?

Great Grandma: hank.

Great Grandpa: Hank/ (He starts to laugh) Nobody has called me Hank since the first day i was admitted to the bar.

Great Grandma: Well, maybe it’s time they started.

Great Grandpa: Maybe you’re right. Oh, Mrs. Hutchins. (She corrects him again) Connie, about that question you asked me yesterday.

Connie: What question was that?

Great Grandpa; That question about whether judges wear trousers underneath their robes. Confidentially, once I got up so late, I had to wear my pajamas all day long.

(They both laugh.)

Great Grandma: I bet they thought you were night court.

(She accidentally crushes his hat during he rlaughter.)

Connie: Oh, I am so sorry. let me fix it.

Great Grandpa: Oh, that’s, that’s all right. Thank you. If you would still like to see the sites of our fair city, I’d be pleased to show you around.

Gret Grandma: that’s mighty kind of you, Hank. I would love to.

Great Grandpa: Well, perhaps we could start with a drive to the beach this afternoon, then this evening, there is a string ensemble playing Mozart.

Great Grandpa: A string?

Great Grandpa: Well, there is also a groovy concert at some establishment called the Rock Bottom.

Great Grandma: Well, that’s more like it, Hank, you’re finally getting it all together.

(Carol and Mike are sleeping when they are awakened by a thud.)

Carol: Mike, wake up.

(She turns on the light.)

Mike: What’s the matter?

Carol: I heard a strange noise.

Mike: Oh, honey, why is it you always hear strange noise sin the middle of the night instead of during broad daylight when I’m awake?

Carol: Well, maybe I imagined it.

(She is about to turn the light back out when they hear it again.)

Mike: I just imagined it too. Better go take a look.

Carol: You’re not going down there alone, I’m going with you.

Mike: listen if you want to, you can go first.

(They get out of bed and put their robes on.)

Carol: Mike, I know I heard something.

Mike: I heard it too. Why do you think i got up in the middle of the night?

(When they get to the staircase, they see Great Grandma packed up and about to leave.)

Carol: Honey, grandma’s leaving.

Mike: Suppose she had another fight with Grandpa.

Carol: Gee, I don’t know. (They turn the hall light on, just as Great Grandma is about to walk out the door) Going somewhere, Grandma?

Great Grandma: Sorry, kiddies, didn’t mean to wake you up.

Mike: Is it because of the judge?

Great Grandma: Yep, it sure is.

Carol: Was it something he said?

Great Grandma: Yep, that’s it, exactly.

Mike: What did he say?

Great Grandma: He said let’s get hitched.

Carol (happy): Married?

Great Grandma: Yeah, we’re eloping to Las Vegas.

(Great Grandpa comes in.)

Great Grandpa: And don’t you try to stop us.

Mike: Stop you? We couldn’t be happier.

Carol: But we’d love to give you a wedding with all the trimmings. Can’t you wait?

Great Grandma: Oh, honey, we haven’t got time. At our age every minute counts. Right, Hank?

Greta Grandpa: But there is one thing you can do for us. I prefer you keep this quiet. I’d get a good deal of riddings from my sons at the chess club.

(He laughs.)

Mike: Our lips are sealed.

Carol: We won’t say a word.

Alice: Neither will I.

Kids: Neither will we.

Great Grandma: Good bye, kiddies, thanks for everything come on, Hank.

Great Grandpa: Yes, my dear.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Marcia helping jan with her homework in the family room.)

Marcia: No, that’s wrong. You use the associative property instead of the commutative property.

Jan: Oh, sure.

Alice (coming in): Kids, kids, We got a postcard form your Great Grandma and Grandpa.

Marcia: Oh, wow, what does it say, Alice.

Alice (reading): Let’s see. Hi, everybody, Here we are in las Vegas, Mr. and Mrs. Hank Brady. We had a problem with the Justice of the Peace when he refused to marry us without the consent of our parents. (They laugh) At the wedding, at the wedding dinner, we had caviar and champagne. That is, he had champagne. The waiter refused to serve me without an ID card. (They all laugh) I have to say good-bye now because Hank and I have a date to go water skiing.

Jan: Water skiing? I can’t believe it.

Marcia: Me either.

Alice (reading): Tell everyone they can believe it.

(They all laugh.)


S4 E20 The Great Earring Caper

The Great Earring Caper

Written by Larry Rhine and Al Schwartz

Cindy loses Carol’s earrings after she wears them without permission. She turns to Peter, the house detective, to help her find them. I hope you enjoy the script.











(The episode begins with Marcia trying on a pair of earrings borrowed from Carol. Cindy looks on.)

Cindy: those sure are neat earrings, Marcia.

Marcia (mocking a British accent): Thanks, darling, mother loaned them to me.

Jan (calling): Marcia, Marcia.

Marcia: Coming, Jan.

(She takes the earrings off and come in the bedroom.)

Marcia: what is it?

Jan: Phone for you. A guy named Ted Edwards.

Marcia (putting the earrings away): Thanks.

Cindy: Marcia, can I try the earrings on?

Marcia: No. They’re Mom’s and don’t touch them. Grandma gave them to her.

Jan: The guy sounded really cute. What does he look like?

Marcia: Tall, blonde, handsome. Nothing special.

Jan: I’ll bet.

(Marcia and Jan leave the room. Cindy closes the door and takes the earrings. She is in the bathroom trying them on and Carol calls her.)

Carol: Cindy, are you in there?

Cindy: I’m coming, Mom.

(She tucks the earrings under a towel on the sink. She leaves the bathroom and comes in the bedroom. Carol shows her a new blouse she just bought her.)

Carol: Honey, I got this on sale. Let’s see if it fits.

Cindy: It fits fine, Mom.

Carol: They have them in green, red and violet too. Which color would you like?

Cindy: Any color’s marvelous.

Carol: Boy, one day you’re gonna make some man awfully happy. (She pus her hand on Cindy’s chin) You’re a woman who’s easy to please. (She takes the blouse and box she got it in) See you later.

(Carol leaves the room and Cindy rushes back into the bathroom. She tries to retrieve the earrings from the towel but can’t find them, She looks all over for them with no luck.)

Cindy (to herself): They’re gone.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Peter in his bedroom playing detective. Greg is on his bed reading. Peter goes over to him.)

Peter: If you didn’t know who I was, who would you think I am?

Greg: A Canada for a butterfly net. Knock it off, will you, I’m trying to read.

(Peter goes to get his magnifying glass. He goes over to Greg and uses it to check him over.)

Peter: You know something, you got a big pores.

Greg: Will you quit bugging me with that dumb detective kit? (He goes under Greg’s bed. He looks under to him) Now, what are you doing?

Peter: Trying to guess your weight. You can figure it out by the sag in the mattress.

Greg: You got a sag in your brain. Why don’t you take your detective kit and get lost.

Peter: It’s no use. I’m such a good detective, I’ll find myself.

(He laughs and Greg plops on his bed, almost injuring Peter. He leaves the room and then there’s a knock on the door.)

Peter: Come in.

(Cindy enters.)

Cindy: Peter, have you learned how to use your detective kit yet?

Peter: Sure.

Cindy: Good, maybe you can help me.

Peter (excited): You want a detective? (Cindy nods) Boy, my first case. Step into my office, ma’am. (She sits at the desk and Peter takes a small black book out.) What’s your name, ma’am?

Cindy: You know my name?

Peter: It’s got to be official, the way the book says. What’s your name, ma’am?

Cindy: Cindy Brady.

Peter: Occupation?

Cindy: School kid.

Peter: Okay, we need the facts. So start from the beginning, and give me the facts, just the facts.

Cindy: Mom lent Marcia some earrings. And I wasn’t supposed to touch them, but I did. Now the earrings are gone.

Peter (surprised): Mom’s earrings? Boy, are you in trouble.

Cindy: I know that, and I’m not even a detective.

Peter: Okay, we’ll call this the Great Earring Caper. Where were the earrings last observed, ma’am?

Cindy: On the bathroom sink.

Peter: I’ll investigate at once.

(They head toward the bathroom.)

Cindy: Can I help?

Peter: Sure, you can be my assistant. like Dr. Watson was to Sherlock Holmes.

Cindy: Great.

(They come into the bathroom.)

Peter: Exactly where were they, ma’am?

Cindy: Underneath this towel.

Peter: Towel, huh? (He takes the towel and shakes it) Simple deduction, ma’am, I solved the case.

Cindy: You have?

Peter: The earrings obviously slipped out from under the towel and slid down the drain.

Cindy: Boy, you sure are smart, Peter.

Peter: Thanks. I’ll just get Dad’s tool kit and open up the drain pipe.

Cindy: What a detective.

Peter: Elementary, my dear Watson. (He tips his hat) Elementary.

(The next scene has Carol coming into Mike’s den.)

Carol: Mike. (Mike answers with a mumble) I think I’ve got it.

Mike: Got what?

Carol: An idea for the costume party, unless you decided on something.

Mike: No, no, anything you decide is okay with me.

Carol: Okay, how about Romeo and Juliet?

Mike: Romeo and Juliet. Oh, honey, can we be a little more original. Last year there were a whole flock of Romeo and Juliets.

Carol: Oh, well then, why don’t you pick a famous couple.

Mike: No, no, you pick it. You’re better at those things than I am.

Carol: Okay, how about Napoleon and Josephine?

Mike: Napoleon and… (he jerks his hand around) honey, isn’t that a little unoriginal, too?

Carol: Yeah, I guess it is. How about Gertrude and Claude?

Mike (laughing): Gertrude and Claude? What famous couple were they?

Carol: I don’t know, but it certainly is original, don’t you think.

(They laugh.)

Mike: Oh, look, we’re making a big deal out of this. You pick it, and anything you decide on is okay with me.

Carol: Sure it is.

(Alice comes in.)Alice: Well, how did it go with Romeo and Juliet?

Carol and Mike: It didn’t.

Alice: Well, I got an idea, folks, and it’s particularly fitting, for you, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Yeah, what’s that?

Alice: George and Martha Washington.

Mike: Hey, I could be the father of my country.

Alice: With 6 kids, you got a good running start.

(Cut to the bathroom, where Peter is trying to fix the pipe on the sink and retrieve the earrings. Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Peter, did you find Mom’s earrings yet?

Peter: Not yet. Cindy, you don’t need a detective, you need a plumber.

Cindy: Well, please hurry.

Peter: I’m hurrying, and get back to your lookout post.

(She exits the bathroom through the door to her room. Marcia comes in the room.)

Marcia: Hi.

Cindy: Hi. Marcia, if you want to go to the bathroom, you can’t. Jan’s in there.

Marcia: Who wants to go to the bathroom?

Cindy: I just thought I’d let you know, just in case.

(Jan enters.)

Jan: Hi.

Marcia: Hi. (Jan tries opening the bathroom door) Hey, I thought you were in the bathroom.

Jan: How could I be in the bathroom?

Cindy: I guess it must be Greg in the bathroom.

(She goes into the boys’ room and sees Bobby.)

Cindy: Bobby, if you want to go to the bathroom, you can’t. Greg’s in there.

Bobby: Who put you in charge of the bathroom?

Cindy: Well, I just thought I’d let you know, Greg’s in there.

Greg (entering the room): Greg’s in where?

Bobby: She said you were in the bathroom.

Greg (laughing): What are you talking about?

Cindy: I thought it was you. (She leaves) I’ll try to find out and let you know.

(Greg and Bobby laugh. Cindy knocks on the bathroom door.)

Peter (moving to the door): Who is it?

Cindy: It’s me, Watson. (He lets her in) Well.

Peter: They’re not there.

Cindy (upset): Oh, no!

Peter: Don’t panic. This is where us detectives have to use deduction.

Cindy: Well, please deduct fast.

Peter: Okay, now they weren’t in the sink, and they’re not in the drainpipe, so they must have been removed. Chances are, by human hands. You follow me?

Cindy: Yes, just hurry up, that’s all.

Peter: Okay, every human hand has fingerprints, and everybody in this house has human hands.

Cindy: What does that mean?

Peter: It means that no finger is above suspicion.

(Cindy pretends to get it, but is confused.)

Cindy: What?

(Downstairs, Alice is mopping the kitchen. Peter and Cindy are watching.)

Peter: Believe me, Alice will never know what we’re after. We’ll get the fingerprints off the mop handle.

Cindy: Okay.

Peter: Sh.

(He puts his hand over her mouth. They approach Alice.)

Peter: You know something, Alice, you work too hard.

Cindy: You should let us do some work.

Alice: You want to do some of my work?

Peter: Sure. (He takes the mop) Just relax.

Cindy: Take it easy for a while.

(They lead her to a chair and get her to sit down.)

Alice: You kids feel alright?

Peter: We’ll go mop our bathroom.

Cindy: Read a good luck or something.

(They walk away and leave Alice suspicious.)

Alice (to herself): They want to help?

(Next, they come into Mike’s den with a glass of milk.)

Peter: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hi, kids.

Cindy: Dad, we brought you a glass of milk.

Mike: You did? (Peter puts it on the table) That’s great, I don’t even remember asking for a glass of milk.

Peter: This way you don’t have to ask.

Mike: Well, that’s very considerate of you.

(They stand there waiting for him to take a sip.)

Cindy: Go ahead, drink it.

Mike: I will, when I get thirsty.

Peter: You better drink it right away, before all the vitamins in it wear out.

Cindy: It’s good for all your bones.

Mike: Well, in that case, I better take your advice.

(He takes a sip and pretends he enjoys it.)

Cindy: Refreshingly good, isn’t it.

(Peter starts to take it away.)

Mike: Yes, it certainly was. My bones feel better already.

(He goes to take another sip but is surprised to see it gone. They start to leave and he turns around and scoffs for their attention.)

(ike: I hope the fingerprints turn out okay, Sherlock.

Peter (to Cindy): I guess we should have worn disguises.

(The next scene has Greg, Marcia, Jan and Bobby playing ping-pong in the backyard. Peter and Cindy seek them out, then run over andgrab their paddles and run. They are upstairs in the bathroom checking fingerprints.)

Cindy: We got everybody’s fingerprints.

Peter: Right. I just checked them against the ones in the bathroom sink.

Cindy: And what did you find out?

Peter: That everybody in this family has been in this bathroom.

Cindy: We still don’t know who took the earrings out of here.

Peter: Don’t worry. A good detective always has more than one plan. If Plan A doesn’t work, we’ll go to Plan B.

Cindy: What’s Plan B?

Peter: I don’t know, I’ll look it up.

(Alice is downstairs dusting the horse and Carol comes down the stairs.)

Carol: Alice, I’m going down to the costume company. I shouldn’t be gone long.

Alice: Right, Mrs. Brady.

(Carol notices a jacket on Alice’s shoulder which belongs to one of the kids.)

Carol: Alice, remember what I said?

Alice: About what?

Carol: About picking up after the kids. They gotta learn to do it themselves.

Alice (putting it down): Okay, I’ll just leave it.

Carol: Bye. I sure hope I can find something interesting for our costumes.

Alice: Hey, Mrs. Brady, would you consider Adam and Eve?

(Before Carol gets back, Mike is in the kitchen about to take a donut but is caught by Alice.)

Alice: Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Mike: Hi, just a little something to tide me over until dinner.

Alice: Mr. Brady, I thought you were watching your waste line.

Mike: I am, and it’s getting easier to see all the time.

Alice: Mine too, everywhere I look.

(Carol comes home.)

Carol (calling): Mike.

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: Honey, can you give me a hand quick? Hurry!

(She is carrying two heavy costumes.)

Mike: What have you got here?

Carol: You’ll see. (He takes them from her) Oh, thank you.

Mike: Gosh, they’re heavy.

Carol: Yeah, well, our costume problems are over. We’re all set for the party.

Mike: What are we going as, ghosts?

Carol: Here, I’ll show off. Take that off (wrap), okay?

Mike: Ah!

Carol: Anthony and Cleopatra. (Mike looks a little unhappy) What’s the matter, don’t you like them?

Mike: Sure, but my skirt is shorter than your skirt.

(They laugh and Alice comes out.)

Alice: Ooh, wow.

Carol: Hey, Alice, what do you think of our costumes?

Alice: Oh, those are great.

Mike: Guess who we’re going as.

Alice (jokingly): Sonny and Cher.

(They laugh and Cindy comes out.)

Cindy: Those sure are fancy costumes.

Alice: Yeah, and your father’s got the leg for them, too.

Mike: Tomorrow night your mother and Dad are going to be Anthony and Cleopatra.

Carol: Yeah, I’m really looking forward to it. I’m gonna do a real fancy make-up, and I think I’ll borrow my friend Pauline’s black wig.

Mike: Oh, yeah.

Carol: And, I know just the earrings, the ones I loaned to Marcia.

(They go to try their costumes on. Cindy gets worried.)

Cindy (to herself): The earrings, oh no.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Peter in his room reading his detective manual. Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Peter, we got to find those earrings right away.

Peter: I know. I’m reading my manual on how to solve cases.

Cindy: But Mom wants to wear them to that party tomorrow night.

Peter (flustered): Tomorrow night?

Cindy: I guess we better tell her they’re lost.

Peter (getting up): We still have 24 hours and I’m learning a lot from this book.

Cindy: Like what?

Peter: Like suspects. The person who’s nearest to the scene of the crime has the best chance of being guilty. We got to question everybody.

Cindy: All right, but we got to do it fast.

Peter: Don’t panic, a good detective never panics.

Cindy: I’m not a good dete4ctive.

(We take you to the backyard. Greg is cleaning his surfboard. Cindy comes over.)

Cindy: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Cindy: What are you doing?

Greg: I’m waxing my surfboard.

Cindy: What were you doing yesterday afternoon right after school?

Greg: I was in my room.

Cindy: That’s right, and your room is right next to the bathroom.

Greg: So?

Cindy: So hand over the you know what.

Greg: What’s the you know what?

Cindy: If I told you the you know what, you’d know what.

Greg: Cindy, I’m busy. I don’t even know what you’re talking about.

Cindy: Then I guess that makes you innocent.

(Cut to the boys’ room, where Bobby is playing with his pet hamster.)

Peter: Hi, how’s it going?

Bobby: How’s what going?

Peter: Oh, nothing. Where were you yesterday afternoon?

Bobby: What do you mean where was I? I was at school, and I came home, like any day.

Peter: What did you go when you got home?

Bobby: Why?

Peter: Just asking.

Bobby: I gave Henrietta a special treat. it was her birthday.

Peter: Birthday, huh. Did ypou bring her a present?

Bobby: Yeah!

Peter: Like jewelry?

Bobby: What are you, some kind of ding-a-ling? What would a hamster be doing with jewelry?

Peter: I’m asking then questions around here, what did you bring her?

Bobby: I brought her sunflower seeds, and if you’re jealous, I’ll bring you sunflower seeds for your birthday.

Peter: You’re too young to be guilty.

(Next, Jan is in her room doing homework. Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Hi.

Jan: Hi.

Cindy: Where were you yesterday afternoon, right after school?

Jan: I was here, you saw me, when I called Marcia.

Cindy: Why did you call her?

Jan: Because that boy phoned her, Ted Edwards.

Cindy: Can you prove the phone rang?

Jan: Can you prove it didn’t?

Cindy: Nope.

(Later on, Cindy is in the room with Peter. They are upset that they couldn’t find the earrings.)

Cindy: Mom and Dad are getting dressed now for the party.

Peter: I know. My first case and I bombed out. Some detective. I couldn’t find an elephant in a bathtub.

Cindy: You tried. I better tell Marcia. Mom is gonna be looking for those earrings any minute.

Peter (stopping her): Wait. There may be one last hope.

Cindy: What?

Peter: Mom may forget about those earrings.

(Mike is sitting on his bed in his costume. He is waiting on Carol.)

Mike: Honey, how are you coming?

(Carol comes out from their bathroom.)

Carol: I was having a little trouble zipping up the nile.

(Mike zips the back of Carol’s costume.)

Carol: Well.

(Mike whistles then answers.)

Mike: Well, I’ll ride on your barge anytime.

Carol: You’re pretty wild yourself. You know something, Alice was right. You do have great legs.

Mike (looking down at them): Yeah, I kinda do, don’t I.

Carol: The knees are a little knobby but….

Mike: Just a second. Hey, let’s get Greg to take a picture of us. I never had a date with the queen of the Nile before.

Carol: Good.

(Marcia comes by.)

Marcia: Hey, wow, you both look really great.

Carol: Thanks. Oh, honey, can you get those earrings I loaned you? I want to wear them tonight.

Marcia: Sure, Mom, they’ll look perfect with your costume.

(Marcia goes in her room to get the earrings. She sees Cindy sitting on the bed moping.)

Marcia: Cindy, are you okay?

Cindy: Yeah, but ypu’re not. You’re in trouble.

Marcia: Me, in trouble. Why?

Cindy: You told me not to touch Mom’s earrings, right?

Marcia: Yeah.

Cindy: Well, I touched them.

Marcia: What do you mean?

Cindy: I not only touched them, I lost them.

Marcia (angry): You lost them? Cindy, Mom wanted them! Are you sure that you lost them?

Cindy: Positive. That’s why you’re in trouble.

Marcia: What do you mean I’m in trouble? You’re the one that lost them.

Cindy: Yeah, but you’re my older sister. And older sisters always protect younger sisters.

Marcia: That’s your story, come on!

(She grabs Cindy by the hair and they go downstairs. Greg is taking Carol and Mike’s pictures.)

Greg: Okay, okay, hold it, hold it. Here we go and. (He takes the picture and they go on about how much fun it was) Hey, how about a romantic one. Marc Anthony and Cleopatra hugging each other.

Carol: All right, but watch out for that sword. I don’t want to get grabbed and jabbed at the same time.

Greg: ready. 1,2,3.

(He takes the shot.)

Carol: I hope you got his legs in.

(Alice, Jan and Bobby laugh. Marcia and Cindy come down the stairs with Peter following.)

Marcia: Mom. (to Cindy) Come on. Cindy has something to tell you.

Cindy: What is it, sweetheart? Marcia, did you find the earrings?

Marcia: No.

Carol: What do you mean no? I loaned them to you.

Cindy: Then I loaned them to me. Then they disappeared.

Carol: How could they disappear?

Peter: That’s a good question. I’ve been trying to crack this case for some time now, and I’m baffled.

Carol: Oh, Cindy, those are my favorite earrings, and I wanted to wear them tonight.

Cindy: I’m sorry.

Mike: Now, wait a minute. Did you take them outside the house, Cindy?

Cindy: No, Dad, honest. I only had them on for a minute.

Mike: Well, they must be around here someplace. Where did you lose them?

Peter: Dad, are you taking over the case now?

Mike: Yeah, if you don’t mind.

Peter: No, not at all. But I gotta warn you, everybody has an alibi, and there aren’t any clues.

Mike: Thank you. I’m sure they’re just misplaced. Let’s see if we can reconstruct what happened.

Carol: Well, all I know is I loaned the earrings to Marcia, and I have not seen them since.

Marcia: And I put them in my dresser drawer and then I went downstairs to take a phone call.

Cindy: That’s when I loaned them to me. (they show flashbacks of her in the bathroom) I went into the bathroom to try them on. But when Mom called me, I didn’t want her to catch me playing with her earrings. So I hid them, under a towel on the sink. (We go back to the present) I was gonna put them back in Marcia’s drawer later.

Alice: Hey, wait a minute, I just remembered. Do u know when that must have been. (We see in flashback as she explains) That must have been when I went into the bathroom from the hall. I took the clothes out of the laundry bin. Then I saw the towel on the counter so I put it in the laundry bag. Then I remembered what Mrs. Brady said about the kids cleaning up after themselves, so I put the towel back. (returning to present) So, if the earrings were under the towel, they must have fallen into the laundry bag.

Mike: Then that’s where they must be.

Carol: Alice, where is that laundry bag now?

Alice: Well, I put it down for a second to get something, and when I came back it was gone.

Jan: I know, I took it from there?

Carol: What do you mean?

Jan: Well, I was starting to go downstairs, and I saw the laundry bag in the hall. I thought I’d help Alice out, so I took the laundry bag downstairs and left it in the service porch. (Shown in flashback)

Mike: The earrings must be in the laundry bag in the service porch.

Carol: No, no, Mike, that’s when I came in the picture. When I went to the service porch, I saw the laundry bag was pretty full. I figured I’d give Alice a hand and I unloaded the laundry into the washing machine. (Shown in flashback) Alice, has that load of laundry been washed yet?

Alice: Mrs. Brady, that was yesterday. At least three or four loads ago.

Carol: Oh, no.

Alice: I never saw any earrings.

Mike: Then they must still be in the washing machine.

(They all rush to the washing machine. Alice reaches in to find them.)

Greg: Feel anything?

Alice: Wait a minute. (She feels something) A-ha, a-ha, ah (She pulls one out and they all cheer. She reaches for the other) There’s (Pause) what’s left of the other one.

Carol: Oh, no.

(Cindy looks at the broken earring.)

Peter: At least the mystery ‘s solved.

Mike: Well, we have to go without them. Come on, honey, we better get going.

Cindy: Mom, I promise I’ll never take anything again I’m not supposed to.

Carol: All right, Cindy, but you and I are gonna have a long talk about this tomorrow. (She kisses her good night) Good night, Peter.

Peter: Good night. (Carol leaves) Well, that’s the end of the great earring caper.

Cindy: Peter, do you still have all those disguises in your detective kit?

Peter: Yeah, why?

Cindy: Because tomorrow, I don’t want Mom to know which kid’s me.

(The scene fades out.)

(The final season has Mike and Carol returning from the party. Alice is in the kitchen eating a sandwich.)

Alice: Oh, hi folks, give you have a good time?

Carol: Oh, it was wonderful, Alice.

Alice: Hey, did your costumes win a prize?

Mike: Nope. We came in third.

Alice: Well, that isn’t bad. Who won?

Carol: The Cunninghams.

Mike: And you’ll never guess who they came as.

Alice: Romeo and Juliet?

Carol: Nope. Guess again.

Alice: George and Martha Washington.

Mike: Nope.

Alice: Okay, I give up.

Carol: Sherlock Holmes and Watson.