The Honeymoon
written by Sherwood Schwartz
This was the very first episode. Widower Mike Brady marries widow/divorcee Carol Tyler Martin. After a disastrous wedding, Mike brings his three sons and Carol her three daughters, on their honeymoon with them. I hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
MIKE BRADY
CAROL BRADY
ALICE NELSON
GREG BRADY
MARCIA BRADY
PETER BRADY
JAN BRADY
BOBBY BRADY
CINDY BRADY
MR. AND MRS. TYLER, Carol’s parents
REVEREND WHO MARRIES MIKE AND CAROL
MR. PRINGLE, hotel clerk
(The episode starts outside Mike’s house, where he goes to put something in his car, then it cuts to inside the kitchen.)
Alice: Are you finished with this juice, Peter?
(Mike comes back in to join them and sits down.)
Mike: Okay, now look boys, let’s all eat a good breakfast. I know you’re bound to be nervous but we need plenty of nourishment and energy and that’s why it’s important to have a good breakfast.
Greg: We’re almost finished, Dad.
Peter: And you didn’t eat anything at all.
Mike: Oh yeah, well, I’ll just have my coffee.
Alice: I don’t blame you for being nervous Mr. Brady. This is a very important Saturday.
Mike: Alice, I know it’s a very important Saturday. Who says I’m nervous? I’m mature and I’m logical and I know I’m doing the right thing. Why should I be nervous? (He looks up at her) What makes you think I’m nervous?
Alice: Well it’s the first time I saw you take 21 spoonfuls of sugar.
Mike: I like it sweet.
Alice: Every bridegroom is a little jumpy.
Greg: It’s a normal male reaction Dad, for your generation.
(Mike looks at him surprisingly.)
Peter: I once saw a movie where a man was getting married, he was so nervous, he forgot to put his pants on.
(Bobby gets up and looks under the table.)
Bobby: You’re okay, Dad.
Mike: Thanks a lot, will you please sit down.
Alice: I’m sure you’re going to be very happy, Mrs. Martin is a lovely woman.
Greg: She’s out of sight, Dad.
Peter: Groovy.
Bobby: I think she’s neat-o.
Mike: Well, that makes it unanimous, I think she’s pretty special myself.
(Mike spills his coffee and almost drops his cup.)
Alice: Well, I certainly hope the bride isn’t as nervous as the groom.
Mike: Not my bride. I’m sure the future Mrs. Brady is calm, cool and collected.
(Cut over to the girls home, with an equally nervous Carol.)
Carol: I’m shaking like a leaf. The wedding is only an hour away and I can’t even brush your hair (to Marcia). I have to fix yours too (to Jan). And Cindy, what happened to your curls? A half hour ago I made your curls. Oh, look at me. Brides are supposed to be beautiful and I look awful.
Marcia: We think you look beautiful
Cindy: Uh-huh!
Carol: How could you girls sit there and say I look beautiful?
Cindy: Because we love you.
Carol (pleased): Girls, you do like Mike, don’t you?
Marcia: Sure, we like him.
Jan: A lot.
(Cindy comes up to Carol.)
Cindy: You know how much we like him?
Carol: How much?
Cindy (spreading her arms out): This much!
(She hugs Carol.)
Carol (to Cindy): I’m sure we’re all going be very happy. You’re going to be happy, I’m going to be happy. Mike’s going to be happy. And Greg and Peter and Bobby. They’re going to be happy.
(Cindy notices a tear in Carol’s eye.)
Cindy: If we’re all going to be so happy, why do your eyes look like they’re going to cry?
Carol: Because grown-ups are silly. Sometimes they cry when they’re happy.
(The phone rings.)
Jan: That must be Mike.
Carol: What makes you so sure?
Jan: It’s always Mike.
Carol (answering the phone): Hello. (looking at the girls) It’s Mike. (into the phone) I’m just fine, honey, how are you?
Mike: I’m nervous, that’s how I am, nervous.
Carol: Well, to tell you the truth, I have a few butterflies in my stomach.
Cindy: were you sleeping with your mouth open, Mommy?
Carol: What?
Cindy: How did those butterflies get into your stomach?
Carol: Oh, they’re not real butterflies sweetheart, I’ll explain later. (into the phone) Hold on a minute, Mike, would you. (to the girls) Why don’t you girls run along to get your clothes ready and I’ll be along in a minute to help.
Jan (whining): Oh, can’t we stay here?
Marcia: Come on, the bride and the groom want to talk privately.
Carol: Thank you, Ms. Protocol.
Marcia: It’s all right.
(Marcia and the girls go inside and Carol resumes their phone call.)
Carol: I’m sorry, Mike. Cindy thought there were real butterflies in my stomach.
Mike: You’re lucky if you only have butterflies. I’ve got six flying saucers in mine.
Carol: Why don’t you take a tranquilizer.
Mike: I took one.
Carol: Well, maybe you should take another one.
Mike: Nothing doing, I want to be calm for the ceremony and there’s a honeymoon to consider.
Carol: That’s an architect for you, always planning ahead.
(Scene fades out.)
(Back at Mike’s house, Bobby is getting ready while Mike walks in the room.)
Mike: How you coming?
Bobby: Okay, Dad.
Mike: Let’s have a little inspection here. (He checks him thoroughly) Looks like you got dressed in the dark (He buttons Bobby’s jacket properly) Well, Bobby, you look pretty good.
Bobby: You look good too, Dad.
Mike: Thank you very much. Now let’s get going. A man can’t be late for a wedding, especially his own.
(Mike notices his late wife’s picture is missing from the dresser.)
Mike: Where’s your mother’s picture Bobby?
Bobby: I put it away, in the drawer.
Mike: Why? Because of Carol?
Bobby: I thought she might not like it, when she moves in.
Mike: Come here, Bobby. Now you can put it back, son.
Bobby: Are you sure?
Mike: I’m positive. I don’t want you to ever forget your mother, and neither does Carol.
Bobby: Boy, that’s swell. I like this picture but I didn’t want to upset my new mom.
(Mike picks Bobby up.)
Mike: You know something, your mother would be very proud of you right now.
(Mike calls to Greg and Peter.)
Mike: Greg!, Peter!
Greg: Just combing our hair, Dad.
Mike: Well come on, we can’t wait all day.
Peter: We’re all dressed up, and so is Tiger.
Mike: Sorry fellas, Tiger stays home. This is just for the family.
Peter: Alice is gonna be there.
Mike: Alice is a member of the family.
Peter: So is Tiger.
Bobby: He’s our brother.
Mike: Now look boys, I love you and I love Tiger too, but we are not taking a dog to a wedding.
(Next scene has Mike driving to the wedding, with Tiger up front and the boys in the back seat.)
Greg: Look Dad, the caterers are here.
Bobby: Good, I’m hungry.
Mike: Hungry? You just ate breakfast. We’ll eat after the wedding. get out the other side boys.
(Mike and the boys arrive at the home of Carol’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Tyler.)
Mrs. Tyler (to the florists) Fluff them out a little, oh that’s better (she turns to her husband, who is sipping champagne) Henry!
Mr. Tyler: I was just testing, dear.
Mrs. Tyler: There will be plenty of time for that when the guests arrive.
Carol: Oh, Mom and Dad. It all looks so beautiful. The wedding is going to be lovely.
Mr. Tyler: Wait till you and Mike get the bill, dear (laughing).
Mrs. Tyler: Henry!
Carol: Oh mother, I know he’s kidding. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you two these past few years.
Cindy: I don’t know what I would have done, either.
Mr. Tyler: Ah, you wanna know something, we’re really going to miss you sweetheart.
Cindy: You’re going to visit us, aren’t you, grandpa?
Carol: Of course they are, Cindy. Mike’s house is only 20 minutes away.
(Doorbell rings.)
Mrs. Tyler: Oh, that must be another telegram.
Cindy: Hey, let me get it, let me get it.
Mr. Tyler: All right, off you go.
(Cindy comes to the door and finds Mike and the boys there.)
Mike: Hey, you look pretty.
Cindy (annoyed): Hi.
Mike: But you sound a little disappointed.
Cindy: I thought you were going to be a telegram.
(Carol comes out to greet them.)
Carol: Hi Mike, Greg, Peter, Bobby, Tiger. (upset) Tiger?, you brought Tiger? He’ll frighten Fluffy to death.
Mike: Fluffy (smacks his head). Fluffy, I forgot about the cat. Greg, you and Peter put Tiger back in the car.
Boys (in unison): Awe, do you have to? Gee. (Tiger barks)
Carol: No, no, wait Mike. We’ll keep Fluffy up in the girls’ room.
Mike: No, we don’t want you to lock up Fluffy, Greg, you and Peter put Tiger back in the car.
Greg: Okay, Dad.
Peter: Come on, Tiger.
Mike: And put the top up and open the window a bit.
Carol: Come in, Bobby.
Mrs. Tyler (to Mike and Bobby): Hello!
Mr. Tyler: Mike, so you decided to show up after all (Laughing).
Mrs. Tyler: Henry!
Mike: That’s all right Mrs. Tyler, I don’t get upset very easily.
Bobby; Oh yeah, this morning he put 21 spoons of sugar in his coffee.
Mike: Don’t exaggerate.
Bobby: But he didn’t forget his pants.
Carol: Cindy, why don’t you take Bobby upstairs and tell the girls your new brothers are here, okay.
Cindy: Okay, come on. (to Bobby) I got a swell new dollhouse.
Bobby: Dollhouse, Daaad.
Mike: That sounds like fun.
Bobby: Yuk
Mike: Bobby, remember what I told you.
(Cindy takes Bobby by the arm.)
Cindy: Come on.
Mrs. Tyler: Don’t they look cute together?
Mike: Thank you.
Mrs. Tyler: I mean the kids.
Mike (laughing): Oh, I see
Carol: Mike, I want you to see something.
Mike: What, you got a swell new dollhouse too?
Carol: Oh, Mike. Mom and Dad, would you excuse us?
Mr. Tyler: Why, sure.
(Carol brings Mike to show him the scenery.)
Carol: Well, what do you think?
Mike: Hey, everything looks beautiful.
Carol: Did you say everything looks beautiful?
Mike: Oh, everything. The flowers are beautiful. The cake is beautiful. The hors d’oeuvres look beautiful.
Carol: Thank you, well, how do I look?
Mike (mimicking a British accent): You, my dear, are prettier than the flowers, sweeter than the cake, more appetizing than the hors d’oeuvres and more sparkling than the silverware.
Carol: Oh, Mike, be serious.
Mike: You want to know something?
Carol: What?
Mike; I am serious.
(Mike and Carol share a long, passionate kiss.)
Carol: A few years ago I thought it was the end of the world.
Mike: But now it’s just the beginning, for both of us.
Carol: Uh,uh. For all of us.
Mike: Right, The whole blooming Brady Bunch.
(Cut right to the wedding.)
Reverend: Now, Carol Ann and Michael Paul, will you join hands, please.
(Mike and Carol hold hands and face each other.)
Reverend: Do you, Carol Ann, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband? To have and to hold, to honor and obey, to love and cherish, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Carol: I do.
Reverend: Do you, Michael Paul, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, to honor and obey, to love and cherish, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Mike: I do.
Reverend: I know pronounce you man and wife. They who God have joined together. Let no man put asunder. (He turned to Mike) Well, aren’t you gonna kiss the bride?
Mike: You bet I am.
(Mike gives Carol a big kiss. Fluffy, the girls’ cat, meows at the scene and everyone laughs. Tiger sees her from the car and gives chase.)
Marcia, Jan and Cindy: Fluffy!
(Tiger chases Fluffy into her cathouse. The boys go after him.)
Mike: I told you boys to put Tiger back in the car!
Greg: We did, Dad!
Mike (sternly): Well, put him back!
(Fluffy flees from her cathouse while the girls chase her, with Tiger in pursuit.)
Carol: Girls stop, you’re ruining the wedding!
Mike: Grab Him!
Greg: We got him!
(Tiger escapes from Greg’s grip and runs, the boys chase him while Fluffy and Tiger run and jump on some of the guests.)
Carol: Girls, stop that screaming!
Mike: You boys wanted to bring that dog, now go get him!, Tiger!
Mrs. Tyler: We’re so sorry everybody, just sit down.
Mr. Tyler: That’s quite all right.
Mrs. Tyler: Henry, will yo do something?
Mr. Tyler: Will you please calm down everything will be fine.
Alice: Tiger! Tiger!
Carol: Alice, can’t you control that dog?
Alice; Yes, ma’am (she whistles through her teeth and the reverend looks annoyed) Tiger!
Carol: Thank you, Alice.
Alice: Tiger! Tiger! Sit! Sit! (An elderly man sits down) Not you, sir. Tiger!
Mrs. Tyler: The dog stays, not Fluffy, the dog stays, the dog stays, Alice knows.
Alice (running to catch Tiger): Tiger!
(Tiger continues to chase Fluffy with the kids in pursuit.)
Greg: Tiger! If you don’t stop you’re gonna get it!
Bobby: Tiger! Don’t eat that cat!
(Alice chases after them while Carol goes to the reverend.)
Carol: Oh, reverend, I am so sorry.
Reverend: It’s all right, everything is going to be all right.
(Fluffy jumps over a lady sitting down while Tiger persists her, the lady faints.)
Lady’s companion: Waiter, get me some ice, please.
(The waiter dumps ice on the lady’s stomach while the pets continue running and jumping over the tables, knocking over flowers and silverware. Mr. Tyler tries to catch Fluffy but fails, Tiger comes running and knocks Mr. Tyler down and keeps running.)
Marcia: There she goes!
Jan and Cindy: Fluffy! Fluffy!
(Fluffy knocks over some cups and saucers on the same table with the cake, Just as the cake is about to tip over, Mike grabs it just in time.)
Carol: Mike! Thank goodness you saved the cake!
(Mike loses his balance and the cake falls from his grip. Mike falls and the cake lands all over his face. Carol laughs at him and he laughs along, then gives her a big kiss, getting the frosting on her face as well, while the guests watch in laughter.)
Mike: Just what we wanted, a nice quiet wedding.
(The scene fades.)
(The next scene has Mike and Carol arrive at the hotel for their honeymoon.)
Mr. Pringle: Lloyd, show Mr. and Mrs. Manor to Room 312, I do hope you folks enjoy your stay. (Carol and Mike come to the desk) May I be of service to you?
Mike: Yes, thank you very much. We’re Mr. and Mrs. Brady and we have reservations.
Mr. Pringle: Oh yes, Mr. Brady, let me see now. Oh yes, Mr. Brady, you have the honeymoon suite.
Mike: Yes, that’s right, the honeymoon suite.
Mr. Pringle: Would you care to register please?
Mike: Thank you.
Mr. Pringle: Now, I am Mr. Pringle and if there is anything I can do, just call on me.
Mike: Thank you.
Mr. Pringle: Uh oh, Mr. Brady, you signed this Mr. and Mrs. Brady and family.
Mike: I forgot, that’s a force of habit. The kids aren’t with us.
Mr. Pringle: Well, you did ask for the honeymoon suite.
Carol: It’s quite all right, Mr. Pringle, you see…..
Mike: That’s okay, darling. No need to explain, it’s obvious this gentleman doesn’t dig the modern generation.
Mr. Pringle (upset): Lloyd, show Mr. and Mrs. Brady to suite H.
Carol: Thank you. Mr. Pringle.
Mr. Pringle (bitterly): You’re welcome.
(Mike and Carol up in their room.)
Mike: Honey.
Carol: Yes.
Mike: Champagne is ready.
Carol (surprised): Champagne? Where did that come from?
Mike: The hotel sent it up. How about that?
Carol: Lovely.
Mike (pouring her a glass): There you go.
(Mike raises his glass and makes a proposal.)
Mike: Here’s to a great big, bubbly life together.
(He and Carol clink their glasses together and take a sip.)
Carol: Oh, I forgot. Champagne has a terrible effect on me, it makes me dizzy.
Mike (putting his glass down): Champagne has a terrible effect on me too.
Carol: What?
Mike: Oh, you’ll find out.
Carol: Michael Brady, you stop that or I’ll…
Mike: You’ll what?
(He and Carol share another passionate kiss. Cut back to the girls’ house.)
Cindy (talking to her doll): I was afraid Tiger was going to hurt Fluffy, I couldn’t help screaming. Neither could Marcia or Jan. (we look at Jan and Marcia’s unhappy faces) But Mama yelled at us anyway, she didn’t even yell at the boys. And it was their dog who chased Fluffy. Maybe she likes them better than us (starts to cry).
(Back at the hotel, Mike is laying on Carol’s lap and they’re both feeling bad about yelling at the kids before.)
Carol: I feel funny about Cindy, and Marcia and Jan too. I shouldn’t have scolded them at the wedding.
Mike: And I shouldn’t have yelled at the boys.
Carol: But it was such a mess. Tiger was chasing fluffy and the hors d’oeuvres were flying. and all those ice cubes. (She starts laughing) And poor Mrs. Feldman and her frozen front.
Mike: How about my nose full of wedding cake. I’m still sneezing rosebuds.
Carol: Oh, you were a sight. Mike, I feel guilty about the kids.
Mike: Hey, wait a minute. We’re on our honeymoon, we’re supposed to be enjoying ourselves. Those kids are fine. I’m sure they’ve forgotten all about it by now.
Carol: You’re probably right.
Mike: Yeah, of course I’m right. I know my boys, They can be miserable one minute and laughing the next. Right now, I’ll bet they have a smile on their faces a mile wide.
(Back at the boys’ house, they’re sitting at the table with cake and milk but sulking about the day’s event.)
Alice: When boys don’t eat cake, there’s got to be a reason. Let’s have it.
Greg: Dad shouldn’t have yelled at us. We were only trying to help.
Peter: He didn’t yell at the girls and it was their cat who caused all the trouble.
Bobby: He only yelled at boys. Us.
Greg: I guess that’s the way it’s gonna be around here. Just because they’re careless kids, we’re gonna get blamed for everything.
Alice: Now you men don’t really believe that.
Greg: We sure do. When they move in, they’re going to take over.
Peter: Yeah, they’re going to be Dad’s favorites.
Bobby: Yeah.
(Back at the hotel, Mike and Carol are having a candlelight meal and trying their hardest to enjoy themselves.)
Mike: Marvelous hotel.
Carol: And the service. The service is great.
(They start to hear their angry voices in their heads. Mike yelling at the boys to put Tiger back in the car and Carol yelling at the girls to stop their screaming or they’ll ruin the wedding.)
Carol: Whoopee!
Mike: Yahoo!
Carol: You know the answer just as well as I do.
Mike: Let’s go.
Carol: Like this?
Mike: It’s an emergency.
(Mike blows the candles out and he and Carol leave the hotel in their pajamas and nightgown.)
Mr. Pringle: Mr. Brady!
Mike: Don’t worry, Mr. Pringle, we’ll be back.
(They get into their car and drive to Carol’s house. They enter the girls’ room while they are asleep. Carol goes up to fast asleep Cindy and kisses her.)
Cindy (waking up): Mommy!
Carol: Shh, you’ll frighten Grandma and Grandpa.
Mike: Come on, wake up girls. Come on.
Marcia (waking up): What’s going on?
Mike: How would you girls like to come along with us ?
Jan: On your honeymoon?
Carol: That’s right.
Cindy: Oh, boy, I’ve never been on a honeymoon!
Jan: Neither have I, and I’m older than you are.
(Mike shushes them.)
Marcia: What do you expect from children?
Carol: Mike, I better wake Mon and Dad and tell them we’re telling the girls. Would you pack a few things for them?
Mike: Yep. Come on, let’s pack a few dresses.
(Next, Carol and Mike arrive at Mike’s home and wake up the boys.)
Mike: Bobby, Bobby.
Bobby (waking up): Dad.
Carol: Hi, Bobby.
(They wake up Peter.)
Mike: Peter, Peter, wake up, come on.
(Peter wakes up.)
Peter: What are you doing here?
(Greg comes in from his room.)
Greg: Hey, what’s happening?
Mike: How would you boys like to come with us on our honeymoon?
Greg: What?
Carol: Marcia, Jan and Cindy are waiting downstairs.
Bobby: Wow! I’d love to go on a honeymoon, what should I take?
Greg: A girl, dummy.
Mike: That’ll do, Greg. Come on, get up.
Greg: I’m going back to bed.
Peter: Aren’t you coming with us?
Greg: Not me, I’m too old to go on a honeymoon.
Bobby: Dad’s older than you are, and he’s going.
Mike: Come on, Greg. We’re all gonna go together. Get come clothes on (to Peter and Bobby) you boys get ready too. (to Carol) Honey, I’m gonna wake Alice and tell her.
(Alice comes in.)
Alice: Alice is right here.
Mike: Alice, what are you doing up at this hour?
Alice: Well, I figured you’d be back. I packed the boys clothes last night.
(The family heads down to the hotel and are met by Mr. Pringle.)
Mr. Pringle: Mr. Brady!
Mike: Oh, that’s okay, Mr. Pringle, they’re with us.
Carol: If there’s anything better than a honeymoon for two, it’s a honeymoon for eight.
Cindy: You mean a honeymoon for nine, Mommy.
(She takes her doll out and points at it.)
Jan: You mean a honeymoon for ten.
(Taking Fluffy out in her cat box.)
Carol: Fluffy!
(Alice and Tiger show up with Tiger barking.)
Mike: Tiger!
Peter: Eleven!
Bobby: Don’t forget Alice.
Cindy: That makes twelve.
(Mike goes to confront Alice.)
Mike: Alice, I know this is a stupid question, but what are you two doing here?
Alice: We wouldn’t go to sleep without you. Besides, I figured someone ought to look after the kids.
Mike: Hey, good thinking. Okay gang, let’s go.
(Kids race to the stairs and try to get on first.)
Marcia: Just a minute, ladies first.
Greg: Oh no, it goes by age.
Bobby: The youngest ones should be first.
Cindy: I’m younger than you are.
(Alice tries to whistle through her teeth, causing Mr. Pringle to get nervous.)
Carol: Be careful of Cindy!
(After several attempts to stop the kids, Mike makes an announcement.)
Mike: There’s only one way to handle this. ATTENTION!!!!
(The kids stop and face him and Carol.)
Mike: Okay, fall in, right here. This will be according to size and big ones first. (Everyone gets on line in their ranks) Come on, fast back there. No talking in the race. Hurry up, now. Left foot first, Forward march 2-3-4, 1,2,3,4.
Carol: Good night, Mr. Pringle.
(Mr. Pringle appears to have a headache.)
(Mike steps out of line and continues to command the kids until they all reach the honeymoon suite. The scene fades out.).
THE END
Brady Bunch Scriptman 