S1 E4 Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

untitled alice

Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

Written by Paul West

Alice believes that she is no longer needed, with Carol as a full time mother and wife to Mike and the boys. She decides to quit, that is, until the family goes out of ways to convince they still need her. I hope you enjoy the script.











MR. STOKEY, delivery man

(The episode begins with a shot of the Brady house. Then to the kitchen where Alice is cleaning the table. Bobby comes in whining because he hurt his knee.)

Bobby: Alice! Alice, ow, I hurt myself!

Alice: Oh, let me see, Bobby. (She sees a hole on his pants where he scraped his knee) Oh, what happened?

Bobby: I fell off my bike.

Alice: Yeah, you banged that knee up pretty good. How fast were you going? 300-400 miles an hour?

Bobby: I was going around the corner and I hit a banana.

Alice: Well, that’ll do it every time. Park yourself over here and I’ll get it bandaged up in a jiffy, all work guaranteed or your money back.

Carol; What’s going on, what’s all the noise?

Alice: Hot rod Charlie hit a banana.

Carol: Oh, looks like you hit more than that, your poor knee.

Bobby: You think I’m messed up, you oughtta see my bike.

Carol: Banged up, huh?

Bobby: Like a pretzel.

Carol: Come on, let’s hobble upstairs and I’ll get you bandaged up.

Bobby: Alice can do it.

Carol: Oh, okay.

Alice: You may get a better deal upstairs.

Bobby: You always do it real good.

Carol: Well, as long as you’re all right. Next time, look out for those bananas.

(She pats Bobby on the head and walks away. Alice crouches down to look at his knee.)

Alice: You know, you’re not very smart. You had a chance at a pretty nurse and you blew it.

Bobby: But Alice, you always fix my knees and elbows and everything.

Alice: Well, the more I think about it, I think you better go upstairs to your mother.

Bobby: Why?

Alice: Because I’m too busy right now, I don’t have time to fool around with scraped knees.

Bobby: But you said….

Alice: Okay, so I changed my mind. This is a kitchen, not an emergency ward.

Bobby: Oh, but Alice.

Alice: Don’t but Alice me and get upstairs, scoot.

(The scene fades.)

Bobby's knee

(Bobby is upstairs in the bathroom with carol nursing him, with Jan and Cindy watching.)

Carol: Boy when you take a spill, you do it upright.

Bobby: I had worse than this lots of times.

Jan: If you saw the banana on the street, why didn’t you just go around it?

Bobby: I wanted to squoosh it and I did too.

Carol: Well it looks like it squooshed you back.

Cindy: You sure don’t bleed much.

Bobby: I could bleed more if I wanted to.

Alice: How are things in the operating room?

Carol: Well, we’re getting the patient back together again.

Cindy: Come on in and watch him bleed.

Alice: No thanks, I’ve seen him bleed.

(In the next scene, Mike is looking for Alice to help him with a loose button.)

Mike: Alice, Alice, Alice!

Alice: Coming.

(Alice comes out of her room into the kitchen to see Mike.)

Alice: What’s the problem, Mr. Brady?

Mike: The button’s coming off this shirt, can you sew it real fast? I got 10 minutes to get out of town.

Alice: Sure, I’ll zap one on for you in just a jiff….On second thought, Mr. Brady, I just won’t have time to do it right now.

Mike: Won’t have time? It’ll only take you a minute.

Alice: I’m sorry. I just can’t do it.  I’m way behind schedule. I got an idea, why don’t yo ask Mrs. Brady.

Mike: Yeah, I guess Carol can sew a button.

Alice: Sure she can, I’ll bet she’s a heck of a good button sewer oner.

(Mike leaves the kitchen with his shirt and heads upstairs.)

Mike: Carol, Carol!

(The next scene has Greg and Peter fighting over a mitt.)

Greg: You shouldn’t have taken it without asking! I don’t go taking your stuff!

Peter: Well you weren’t home and I needed a glove!

Greg: Well use your own glove!

Peter: I couldn’t find mine! I bet you took it!

Greg: I never touched it! Now look what you did, you got the pocket in the wrong place!

(Alice comes by to intervene.)

Alice: What’s up, men.

Greg: look at this, Alice, he took my glove and now the whole pocket is messed up!

Peter: Well where’s my glove? You took it.

Greg: I did not!

Peter: Well somebody took it, it’s not where I left it!

Greg: Well, don’t look at me!

(Alice whistles through her teeth.)

Alice: All right!

Greg: Alice, tell him Alice not to get into my stuff!

Peter: My glove’s gone, Alice, make him give it back!

Greg: I don’t have your old glove!

Alice: Hold on, hold on, I don’t have time to referee your argument. Go in the house, both of you, and talk to your mother.

Greg: But she doesn’t know anything about our fights.

Alice: She raised three girls. She knows plenty about fights.

Peter: Oh, Alice.

Alice: I’m sorry fellas, I have no time. Now go. She’ll give you a fair deal. Go on.

(The next scene has Greg and Peter in their room with Carol.)

Peter: I’ll show you, I left my glove right here (on the desk) and when I came back it was gone.

Greg: So he took mine.

Peter: Well you took mine.

Greg: You say that once more I’m gonna pop you one.

Peter: You try it.

Carol: Now, wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Now Peter, you lost a glove?

Peter: I didn’t lose it, he took it.

Greg: I warned you!

Carol; Wait, maybe someone else took it.

Peter: Like who?

Carol: Well, who’d be the last person you’d suspect?

Greg: You?

Carol: Well, I thought baseball season was over. Come here. (she leads them to their drawer and pulls the glove out) Is this what you were looking for?

Peter: Yeah, thanks.

Carol: Don’t you owe Greg an apology?

Peter: Yeah, Greg, I owe you an apology.

(Greg looks at him disgustedly.)

Carol (sternly): Peter.

Peter: Oh, I’m sorry, Greg.

(Greg smiles.)

Carol: Carry on, men.

(She walks out of the room.)

Greg (to Peter): How about that?

(In the next scene, Mike comes into the kitchen and sees Alice.)

Mike: Hi Alice, how’s it going?

Alice: It’s been a good day. No floods, no fires, no broken bones.

Mike: You can’t ask for more than that. Mrs. Brady upstairs?

Alice: Yeah, I think so.

Mike: Good. Carol!

Carol (coming down the stairs): Oh Mike! Mike, big news.

Mike; We got a tax refund?

Carol; Oh, better than that. The ice is melting. The boys are starting to come to me with their problems.

Mike: Oh well, my boys know a good thing when they see it.

Carol: Oh no, really Mike. For the first time they came looking for me. And you asked me to sew on the button.

Mike: Oh yeah, well.

Carol: For the first time I felt like a mother and a wife. I nearly cried.

Mike: Well, I told you things would smooth out.

Carol: Oh, I know, but it happened so suddenly. I was overwhelmed.

(Carol and Mike go up the stairs while Alice overhears their conservation.)

(The next scene has Peter and Bobby coming into the house with mud on them and with them arguing.)

Bobby: Look what you did to me.

Peter: It was your own fault, you started it.

Bobby: You did that on purpose.

Alice: Hey, hey, wait a minute fellas, what’s going on here?

Bobby: Look what he did to me, the dirty rat.

Alice: Never mind with the names, tell me what happened.

Peter: He threw some mud at me, so I threw some at him.

Bobby: Mine was an accident.

Alice: Well, if you s\ask me fellas…

Bobby: Mom! Look what Peter did to me, Mom.

Peter: Don’t believe him, Mom. He started the whole thing.

(Greg comes in through the front door in the next scene.)

Greg: Hi,  Alice.

Alice: Hi Greg.

Greg; Have you seen Mom?

Alice: Yeah, she’s upstairs. Anything I can do?

Greg: No, I got a hang-up on my math assignment.

Alice: Well, maybe I can give you a hand.

Greg: That’s ok. Mom’s a whiz at this stuff. She helped me twice this week.

Alice: Well, I’m pretty good at math myself.

Greg: Thanks, but it’s pretty tricky. Mom explains it great.

(The next scene has Mr. Stokey, a delivery man, visit the Bradys.)

Alice: Hello, Mr. Stokey.

Stokey: Good morning, Alice. Let me carry this in for you.

Alice: Oh, thanks.

Stokey: Package for the Brady boys.

Alice: Oh, say. I bet it’s that giant telescope kit they sent away for. Greg!, Peter!, Bobby! Boy, have we been waiting for this.

Stokey: We? Are you on this deal too?

Alice: Well, I helped them send away for it. I’m sort of a live-in scout master. I go along with the boys on their projects.

Stokey: Well, lots of luck with the telescope and give my regards to Jupiter.

Alice: Thanks, I will. Bye. Hey boys, the telescope is here!

(The boys come running down the stairs.)

Greg: Yahoo! It’s here.

Peter: Finally.

Greg: Oh, man! Look at the size of that box.

Peter: Bobby, look what we got!

Alice: Let’s open it and see what it looks like.

Greg: Let’s show it to Mom. Come on.

Peter: I thought it would never come. Hey, Mom! look what we got!

Bobby: Mom, we got a telescope!

Greg: It’s finally here!

(The boys run upstairs with the telescope with Alice watching helplessly from downstairs.)

(The next scene shows Jan and Cindy in their room, waiting for Marcia and Carol to come in.)

Jan (looking out the door): Here she comes.

Carol: Marcia said you all wanted to see me. (Pause) Well.

Marcia: There’s something going on and we don’t understand it.

Carol: Something going on?

Jan: Yeah.

Cindy: Yeah.

Jan: It’s about Marcia, Cindy and me.

Cindy: Us girls.

Carol: Oh. Well, come on. Let’s sit down and talk this over.

(Carol sits on one bad and the girls sit on the next.)

Carol: Now then, what’s this all about?

Marcia; Well, how come the boys are more important than we are?

Carol: What?

Jan: You’re always helping them with their games and their homework and everything.

Marcia: You spend way more time with them.

Cindy: Do you like them better than us?

Carol: I’m sorry girls, I should have realized. I’ve been paying some extra attention to Greg,  Bobby and Peter because, well, they haven’t had a mother in a long time and I want them to feel that I’m just as much their mother as I am yours. That we’re all one family. (She get sup and kneels down by the girls) I love you just as much as ever.

Cindy: We love you too, Mommy.

(They all hug and then the girls fall off the bed and they all wind up on the floor. laughing.)

(Alice is in the kitchen in the next scene, boiling water in a pot while making facial expressions.)

Mike: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Oh, hi  Mr. Brady.

(She dropped a few things on the floor.)

Mike: How did it go today?

Alice: Okay?

(She dropped the lid off another pot.)

Mike: Good.

Alice: Mr. Brady, I was wondering if you’re not busy tonight, if I might speak to you and Mrs. Brady.

Mike: Sure. Anything wrong?

Alice: Oh, no. Just something I’d like to talk to you about.

Mike: Sure, well, we’ll do it this evening.

Alice: Yeah.

(Alice drops a few more pots and lids.)

Mike: Alice, are you all right?

Alice: I’m fine. noisy, but fine.

(She drops a lid one more time. Mike picks it up for her. Alice is in the living room talking to Mike and Carol  in the next scene.)

Alice: It’s not that I have any complaints, you understand. Some of the happiest moments in my life have been spent right here in this house.

Mike: Alice, you’re beating around the bush. Now, what’s bugging you?

Alice: Nothing, nothing. It’s just that well, what I’m trying to say is, umm…

Carol: Well, I felt something’s been bothering you the last two days. Is it the girls?

Alice: No, no. They’re dolls. No, you see what it really is (Pause) You see, there’s this aunt of mine.

Mike: Your aunt?

Alice: Yeah. My uncle’s wife. And she, she’s getting along in years and now she’s developed this ailment in her liver, or her kidney. One of those things in there.

Mike: Alice, you never mentioned you had an aunt. Where does she live?

Alice: Oh, uh, uh, she lives in uh, uh, Seattle is where she lives. That’s where my uncle lived too. Anyway, she’s uh, got this ailment and she’s been going downhill real fast. And she asked me if I couldn’t come and be with her. What could I say with her going downhill like that.

Carol: Alice, I’m sorry about your aunt. Why didn’t you tell me?

Alice: Well, auntie’s strange that way, she doesn’t like her liver spread around.

Mike: Alice, are you trying to tell us that you’re leaving?

Alice: Oh, I wouldn’t put it that way, Mr. Brady. It’s just that my aunt really needs me and I thought (Pause) Well, under the circumstances, it’s (Pause) when you really get down to it, (Pause) like you said, I’m leaving.

Carol: I understand how you feel, Alice, but why are you making it so permanent?

Mike: Take a week or two off and if your aunt gets better.

Alice: I don’t think so. No, she’s the type that when she goes downhill, she just picks up speed. I just got to go and be with her.

Mike: I hate to see you leave, Alice. You’ve been with me and the boys for a long time.

Alice: 7 years, 4 months, 13 days and 9 and a half hours.

Carol: Oh, it’ll be a terrible shock to the boys.

Alice: Oh, they’ll be fine. They have you and the girls. You’re a family now. So if it’s okay, I’ll plan to leave tomorrow night and take the plane south.

Mike: South? To Seattle?

Alice: Oh, uh, that’s the way the planes go. I mean, they head south when they take off before they turn around and head north.

(The scene fades out with worried looks of disbelief from Mike and Carol.)

Alice leaving

(In the next scene, the boys are in their room late that evening. They are all in bed and talking.)

Bobby: Greg?

Greg What?

Bobby: Is Alice really gonna leave?

Greg: That’s what Mom and Dad said.

Bobby: I thought she was gonna stay here forever.

Peter: So did I. Boy, I’m really gonna miss her.

Bobby: Not as much as me.

Greg: Why don’t you two knock it off. We’re big guys now. Not little kids like when she first came here, we gotta act grown-up. Well, I’m gonna miss her too.

(There is a knock at the door.)

Greg: Come in.

(Marcia, Jan and Cindy enter.)

Marcia: You guys asleep?

Greg: No.

Marcia: We couldn’t sleep either.

Jan: We were all talking.

Cindy: About Alice.

Greg: Well we don’t wanna talk about it.

Jan: Well, we were thinking that maybe…

Greg: I don’t care what you were thinking!

Jan: Well, you don’t have to get nasty about it!

Cindy: Yeah!

Marcia: Girls, I think I understand this. The boys have known Alice a lot longer than we have. So come on.

(The girls exit the room and shut the door behind them.)

(Cut over to Mike and Carol’s room. They are also ready for bed and expressing concern over Alice.)

Carol: It’s just not going to be the same without Alice.

Mike: Well, we can’t make her stay. Abraham Lincoln put a stop to that. I talked my full head off trying to convince her.

Carol; And she decided so suddenly.

Mike: Yeah, I can’t figure it out. Well, good night honey.

Carol: Good night, dear.

(They get under the covers and kiss good night. They turn the lights off, then Carol turns hers back on.)

Carol: Mike.

Mike: What?

Carol: You don’t believe that story about her aunt anymore than I do. We got to find out the truth.

Mike: Honey, what do you want to do? Put her under a bright light, or drip water on her forehead? We’ll talk about it in the morning.

Carol: Okay. (She turns the light out again) Good night.

(Carol turns the light on again.)

Carol: Mike.

Mike: Now what?

Carol: Does it seem strange to you she never mentioned an aunt in Seattle before?

Mike: No, not especially. I have an aunt in Albuquerque and I never mentioned it. Now, please, could we get some sleep?

Carol: Okay. Good night.

(She kisses Mike and turns off the light again.)

Mike: Good night. Love you.

(Then Mike wakes up and turns on the light.)

Mike: Carol.

Carol: What?

Mike: When we got married, I doubled the size of the family. Alice has twice as much cooking and laundry and cleaning and I never offered her a raise. I got to give her more money. I mean, even if it hurts a little. Yeah, that’s the answer.

(We cut to the next day in the kitchen, with Mike and Alice talking.)

Alice: Nothing can be farther from the truth.

Mike: Alice, you deserve a raise.

Alice: Mr. Brady, it’s not the money.

Mike: What is it?

Alice: It’s like I said, it’s my aunt in Sacramento.

(Alice walks away.)

Mike (to himself): Sacramento?

(In the next scene, Alice is in her room packing with Greg, Peter, Bobby and Cindy watching.)

Alice: If I’d known I’d draw such a big crowd, I would’ve sold tickets.

Peter: Are you really gonna leave?

Alice: Afraid so, Peter.

Cindy: Marcia, Jan and me were just starting to love you.

Alice: I’m going to miss all you kids.

Bobby: If you’re going to miss us, why are you going?

Alice: Well, because I have to.

Peter: Who said?

Greg: Mom told you dummy, she has to go to Seattle.

Cindy: Do you like Attle better than us?

Alice: What?

Cindy: They said you were going to see Attle.

Greg: Seattle, that’s a place, like Mississippi.

Cindy: Mrs. Who?

(The phone rings in the family room.)

Alice: Get the phone, would you, Greg.

Greg: Mom’s in there.

(Carol answers the phone.)

Carol: Hello. Alice? Just a minute, I’ll call her. Alice!

Alice: Coming! Excuse me.

(Alice goes in the family room to take her call.)

Alice (to Carol): Oh, thanks. (She takes the phone to speak into it) Hello. this is Alice. Oh, hi Myrtle.

(Marcia and Jan come back on their bikes and overhear Alice’s phone conservation.)

Alice: Yeah, it’s true Myrt, I’m leaving. I was just in my room packing.

(Marcia and Jan park their bikes outside and listen in.)

Alice: Plans? No, I haven’t got any plans yet. Why? Things have kind of changed around here, Myrt. now that Mr. Brady’s married I’m just not necessary anymore. Yeah, who needs an old Victrola when stereo comes in?

(Marcia hurries Carol up to her room to inform her.)

Carol: What’s going on?

Marcia: I found out why Alice is leaving. Jan and I were out back when Alice was on the phone. We couldn’t help hearing.

Carol: Marcia, you shouldn’t eavesdrop, it’s not nice, it’s bad manners. It’s, it’s, well, come on, what did she say?

Marcia: Well, she was talking to Myrt and she told her…

(Cut to the next scene, with Carol on the phone with Mike while he’s at work.)

Mike: Carol are you sure she said that? An old Victrola?

Carol: I got it straight from the mafia. You know that story about her aunt in Seattle? She made the whole thing up because she thinks we don’t need her.

Mike: Now look, Carol. Take her aside and explain to her that we do need her. Write it in big letters on the wall.

Carol: Mike, telling her won’t do any good. She’ll think we’re just being kind. We have to show her.

Mike: Whatever we do, we have to do it fast. At 7:00 tonight she’ll be on a plane to Sacramento, Seattle, Saskatchewan or Siberia for all we know.

(The next scene has Mike and Carol scheming with the kids to show Alice how much she’s needed.)

Mike: Now, do we all understand the plan?

Greg: Yeah, my part’s easy.

Peter: I know what to do.

Bobby: I know what to do too.

Marcia: So do I.

Jan: Me too.

Mike: Good.

Cindy: Aren’t you going to ask Mommy?

Carol (laughing): Oh, I know what to do, sweetie.

Mike: Then we’re all set, operation Alice is underway.

(The kids get up and go downstairs as we cut into the next scene.)

(Carol is going down the stairs and walks into the kitchen. She sees Alice putting things in the cupboard.)

Carol: Alice, what are you doing? You’re supposed to be packing.

Alice: That’s all done. I just thought I’d get the kitchen organized for you.

Carol: Well, that’s very thoughtful of you, but you just go and relax, rest up for your trip. Mr. Brady and I have to go out to a formal dinner tonight, you know, one of those business social affairs.

Alice: If you’re going out, who’s going to feed the kids?

Carol: Oh, I’ll fix dinner before we go. Don’t worry about that.

(Marcia comes into the kitchen.)

Marcia; Mom, I’ve got to go. I’m going to be late for my club meeting and I’ve got to bring the cake.

Carol: Well, we can go right now. The car’s up front.

Alice: What about dinner for the kids?

Carol: Oh, I’ll fix that when I get back. Now Alice, you relax.

(Carol and Marcia head towards the front cool and Alice realizes they forgot something.)

Alice: Hey, you forgot the cake! Hold it! Wait a minute.

(Carola nd Marcia return to the kitchen to retrieve the cake. Alice takes it out of the refrigerator to give to them.)

Alice: You show up without this cake and you’ll be out of the club.

Marcia: Thanks Alice, you’re really a big help.

Mike (calling from upstairs): Carol, I looked all over. Where’s my tuxedo?

Carol: Isn’t it in the closet?

Mike: No.

Alice: I’ll take care of it.

Carol: Thanks, Alice.

Alice (yelling to upstairs): It’s right next to your dark blue suit, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Oh, yeah. Thanks, Alice.

Carol: Be right back, Alice.

(Marcia and Carol leave for the club.)

Alice: Drive carefully, Mrs. Brady.

Mike (running down the stairs): Alice, where did Carol go?

Alice: She took Marcia to her club meeting.

Mike: It’s a heck of a time to be chauffeuring the kids around. We have to be at the Rockford’s at 8 and you have to be the airport at 7.

Alice: Take it easy, Mr. Brady. Mrs. Brady will be right back. You get showered, into your tux, and I’ll get dinner started for the kids.

(Peter comes running in the house.)

Peter: Alice!

Mike: Peter, Alice isn’t at your back and call, now she’s getting ready to leave. What is it?

Peter: Tiger’s run away again. I can’t find him anywhere, he’s gone.

Mike: Look, we’re getting ready to go out. I can’t stop to chase that hound.

Alice: Mr. Brady, you get dressed. I’ll find the dog. He’s probably after that cute poodle next door again.

Mike: Alice, let the boys find the dog. You’re supposed to be taking the day off. (He turns to Peter) Where’s Greg?

Peter: He’s over at Gordie’s house. He wanted me to tell you he’s gonna need a ride home.

Mike: Oh, brother.

Cindy: Alice!

Bobby: Alice!

(Alice rushes over to them.)

Alice: All right kids, be patient. The dog will be back.

Bobby: It’s not Tiger, she took my checkers.

Cindy: They’re my checkers.

Bobby: They’re mine.

Cindy: They are not.

(Alice whistles through her teeth while Peter goes to make a snack.)

Alice: Hold it! Hold it! (She turns to Peter): What are you doing?

Peter: Eating.

Alice: We’ll eat after you characters clear out of here so I can get dinner started. Out, out, out. Everybody out. (She shoos Peter, Bobby and Cindy away) And hold it down.

(Cut to the next scene where Carol is setting the table for the kids.)

Alice: Mrs. Brady, why don’t you let me feed the kids.

Carol: Alice, you shouldn’t be here in the kitchen.

Alice: I’ve been in lots of places I wasn’t supposed to be. That outfit definitely does not go with chili burgers.

(Mike calls for Alice from upstairs.)

Mike: Alice! Where’s my black tie?

Alice: It’s in the second drawer from the top.

Mike: I looked there!

Alice: All right, I’ll come and find it.

(Alice starts running up the stairs but is stopped by the phone ringing. She goes to answer it.)

Alice: Brady residence. You got to be kidding.

Carol: Who is it?

Alice: It’s Greg. He’s at Gordie’s house and he wants a ride home.

(Carol gets on the phone.)

Carol: Greg, stay there. We’ll pick you up when we take Alice to the airport.

Jan: Mom?

Carol: Hold on, Greg.

Jan: How’s Marcia’s gonna get home?

Carol: Marcia (Pause) Oh! Greg, are you still there? Jan, run up and wash for dinner. (she goes back on the phone to Greg) Listen, Greg, we’ll pick you up when we pick Marcia up when we take Alice to the airport. Just stay put! (She hangs up) Oh, Alice, will you please help me with dinner?

Mike: Alice!

Alice: As soon as I find that black tie.

(Cut to the next scene with Mike coming down the stairs in his tuxedo. He comes into the kitchen with Alice and Carol.)

Mike: Well, how do I look?

Carol: Darling, you’re beautiful.

(Bobby and Peter run inside with mud on them.)

Bobby; Dad, dad, dad! Peter spilled mud on me.

(He and Peter get mud all over Mike’s tuxedo.)

Alice: Out, out, out!

(Alice chases the boys out of the kitchen.)

Carol; Oh, your tuxedo, you’re a mess!

Mike: Oh, brother!

Carol: Oh, that’s terrible.

Mike: Well, Alice. It’s too bad all the happy years you’ve been with us had to end this way.

Carol: I guess Seattle must look pretty good by now.

Alice: Mr. Brady, if it’s all right with you and Mrs. Brady, I think I’d like to postpone Seattle for a while.

Mike: Alice, can you?

Alice: I think so, Mr. Brady.

Carol: Oh, that would be wonderful, but what about downhill aunty?

Alice: I hear she’s perking up.

Mike: Oh, Alice!

(He gives her a big hug.)

Alice: Say, I just had a thought. Since you two are gonna have to leave the house now to make this act look legitimate, why don’t you two go out to supper and have some fun.

Carol: You mean you knew we were acting?

Mike: There go our Oscars.

Alice: Well, I’ll tell you. When you had to go out formal and the kids had to be fed and the dog got lost, and Marcia needed a ride to the club, and Greg needed a ride home, and the black tie got misplaced, I got suspicious. But when Bobby and Peter ran in and splattered mud on your tuxedo, I knew I was being hustled.

Carol; Alice, we were just trying to prove something to you.

Alice: Well, you proved it all right. If you go through all that trouble to make me feel wanted, you really got to mean it.

Carol: Alice, you know we do, will you stay?

Alice: Sure, I’ll stay.

(Carol gives Alice a big hug.)

Mike: Alice, you are marvelous, absolutely the greatest.

Carol: Oh, honey. Stop it, you’re embarrassing her.

Alice: Are you kidding, I love it. Go on, you can think of some more.

Mike: Sensational, unforgettable, terrific. Kids, she’s gonna stay!

(All the kids cheer and gather around Alice, hugging her while the scene fades out.)

dressed up

(The final scene has Carol and Mike coming into the kitchen to see Alice.)

Mike: Good Morning, Alice.

Alice: Good morning, Mr. Brady.

Carol: Good morning, Alice.

Alice: Good morning, Mrs. Brady.

Mike: Oh Alice, would you pick up my gray suit at the cleaners today?

Alice: Yes sir, sure feels nice to be needed again.

Carol: And I have a shopping list for the market, Alice.

Alice: Yes ma’am, I’ll take care of that this morning.

Mike: By the way, my golf clubs need polishing.

Carol: Oh, that reminds me, all the hair brushes need cleaning.

Mike: Oh, and Alice, would you vacuum the car? It’s a mess.

Carol: Oh, and I have a new arrangement for the furniture in the living room.

Mike: Yes, and another thing….

(Alice whistles through her teeth.)

Alice: Hold it! Hold it! Nobody wants to be needed that much.


untitled another alice

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