A Clubhouse Is Not A Home
Written by Skip Webster
Mike and Carol have difficulty adjusting their kids to blend in as one family. Things reach a boiling point when the boys refuse to share their clubhouse with the girls.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(The episode begins with a shot of the kid splaying in the backyard. Greg and Marcia are playing catch while Peter pushes Cindy on the swing and Jan does likewise to Bobby, Carol and Mike are inside with Alice serving breakfast to them. They look outside with delight)
Carol: Thanks, Alice.
(Alice just set a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs for Carol. Mike gets the milk while Alice holds a glass and he pours it)
Mike: Ladies, I’d like to propose a toast. (He raises his glass) To the successful launch of project Brady Bunch. Six happy kids, two lucky parents and an interested bystander.
Carol: Here, here.
Alice: With all do respect, according to my calculations, you only just blasted off the launching pad.
Carol: Yes, but we’re off to a good start.
Alice: Oh, yes, ma’am. I just meant to say it’ll take time. Lots of it.
Carol: Look how smoothly things have gone so far. This place is like a paradise.
Mike: Come here, I wanna show you something.
(He leads Carol and Alice to the window to look outside)
Mike: Look at that.
(They watch the kids playing and having fun)
Carol: See, they’re getting along just great.
Mike: Just like she said, paradise.
(Mike and Carol walk away while Alice remains looking out the window. She seems rather skeptical at their words. The scene fades out)
(The next scene has Mike and Carol in their bedroom, deciding what to do with their closet space)
Carol: Half of 6/4 is…
Carol: Well, I like to be fair. Everything to the left to the shoe is hers. Everything to the right of the shoe is his. 50/50.
Mike: 51/49. (He moves the shoe in the middle of the top of the closet an inch to the right) 50/50.
Carol (moving it back): There.
Mike: Well, you had plenty of space before these cartons arrived form storage.
Carol: Well, don’t forget, you added four women to your household.
Mike: Four women and 444 cartons.
(Cut over to the girls room, where they are also arranging space in their closets and drawers)
Jan: Marcia. How come you get two dresser drawers and I only get one.
Cindy: She wears fatter clothes.
Marcia: Longer. Not fatter.
Jan: You’re supposed to fill out, not up.
(Back to the parents’ room, where Greg, Peter and Bobby bring boxes into the room)
Greg: Here’s some more stuff.
Carol: Oh, thanks boys. Just put them anywhere. (The boys put them down) Those three boxes by the door go in the girls room
Peter: We have to load them in there?
Mike: Yes you do.
Carol: When the time comes, they’ll help you.
Mike: It’s called family co-operation. You scratch their backs and they scratch yours.
Bobby: I don’t want any girl scratching my back.
Greg: Just wait a few years, shrimp.
Mike: Okay, that’s enough. Let’s get going, boys.
(They leave the room with the boxes for the girls, while Carol sneaks the shoe back to where she had it)
Mike: Boys, when you’re through with that, put those empty cartons in the trash.
Carol (leaving the room): I’ll be back in a minute.
(Back to the girls room)
Jan (to Marcia): I’ll tell you what, I’ll trade you 14 inches of closet space for an extra dresser drawer.
Marcia: Okay, it’s a deal.
Cindy: But what about me.
Jan: One drawer is enough for you.
Cindy: What happens when I start to fill out?
Marcia: I’ll be married and gone by then. (Greg and Peter enter with boxes) Thank goodness, we’ve been waiting for those.
Greg (sarcastically): We took our time because this is so much fun.
Peter: Where do you want this junk?
Marcia: That’s not junk.
Jan: My carton goes on this bed.
Marcia: And mine goes here.
Cindy: No one’s got my carton.
Jan: No, that one goes here.
Greg: Would you royal highnesses care to make up your minds?
Marcia: Look, we’ve got enough trouble trying to put these things away.
Peter: Oh, that’s a rotten shame, huh, Greg.
Greg: Yeah, all we have to do is carry the cartons for you.
Cindy: Where’s mine?
Peter: Bobby’s bringing that one.
Greg: I sure hope it has more hair ribbons and stuffed animals. We’re running low on those things.
Marcia: There’s no need to be sarcastic.
Peter: Hey, this thing weighs a ton, make up your mind where you want it.
Jan: Let’s see, that one goes…
Greg: It goes right where he drops it.
Peter: Yeah, do your own switching, it’s heavy. What have you got in it anyway?
Marcia: Don’t you dare open that, it’s unmentionable.
Cindy: What’s unmentionable?
Marcia: If you wanted to mention it, it wouldn’t be unmentionable. (She turns to the boys) Now stop being so nosy.
Jan: And go see if there’s anything else.
Greg (sarcastically): Yes madam, whatever you say.
Peter: Boy, talk about being bossy.
(Bobby comes in with another box)
Bobby: This thing is heavy.
Greg: Just drop it anywhere Bobby and come with us.
(The boys leave the room but then Greg turns around)
Greg: Good-bye, dragon ladies.
(Marcia and Jan make faces at him)
(Back in the parents room, Mike notices Carol moved the shoe dividing the closet and changes it back. Alice comes in)
Alice: Excuse me. I’m collecting the empties.
Mike: I told the boys to do that.
Alice: At the risk of being branded an informer, they walked off the job.
Alice: At the risk of being granted two informers, I don’t think they like the working conditions.
Mike: Leave it right there, it’s collective bargaining time.
(Mike leaves the room and goes outside to the backyard, where the boys are in their clubhouse. Mike knocks on the door and Greg opens it. He enters and sits down to speak to them)
Mike: Well, boys.
Greg: We’re sick of doing things for them, Dad.
Peter: Do this, do that, they’re a real pain.
Bobby: Yeah, they’re too bossy.
Greg: And all that junk they bring in the house, dolls and stuffed animals and those hair ribbons.
Peter: Thousands of hair ribbons.
Bobby: We’re surrounded by hair ribbons.
Mike: Boys, now, listen to me. Before I ever proposed to Carol, the four of us had a very long talk about Marcia, Jan and Cindy. Remember it? I told you to speak then or forever hold your peace. Who recalls what you said? Peter?
Peter: It’s kind of hard to remember, that was three months ago.
Bobby: Yeah, we were just kids then.
Greg: We said we wanted you to get married.
Mike: That’s right, and when I did, I promised not only to love Carol, but her girls as well. Well, I do love them.
Greg: Okay, Dad, we get the point. From now on we’ll really try to relate, right fellas.
Peter: Okay, I’m ready to relate.
Bobby: I’ll relate too, whatever that means.
(The next scene is back in Carol and Mike’s room. Carol notices Mike removed the dividing shoe in the closet, and returns it to where she had it)
(She goes to put more clothes on her side of the closet and then Mike enters the room)
Mike: Half of 6/4 is…
Mike: Amazing. That shoe keeps moving without a foot in it.
Carol: Oh Mike, you’re just splitting hairs.
Mike: No more than you’re splitting closets.
(Alice enters with an incredulous look on her face)
Mike: Trouble? (Alice nods) His or hers?
Alice: One of each. The bathroom.
Mike: Carol, I am putting you on your honor.
Carol: Who, me?
(He gives her a tape measure and leaves the room to check out the problem, which has Greg and Marcia arguing over the bathroom)
Greg: You call this sharing a bathroom? I call it sharing a beauty parlor.
Marcia: Men, you want your women to look beautiful but you’re unwilling to co-operate.
Greg: I’ll co-operate, I’ll take all this junk and throw it right it out the window.
Marcia: You do and you’ll go right out after it.
Greg: Oh yeah?
(Mike comes in through the front bathroom door)
Mike: All right, what’s the trouble?
Greg: Dad, will you look at this? I can’t even find my toothbrush.
Mike: Listen, you’re the two oldest kids but you really oughtta take a lesson from the others. Now they’re just getting along just fine.
(The next scene has Jan putting up a sign on her door saying Private Keep out, which originally was on the door of the boys clubhouse. Peter runs up to her)
Peter: Hey! Where did you get that?
Jan: Out back.
Peter: That belongs on our clubhouse.
(He tries to grab it but Jan runs off with it while Peter chases her)
Peter: Give me that back!
Jan: Finders, keepers, losers, weepers.
(He chases her down the stairs)
Peter: Give me that sign back!
Jan: You gotta catch me first!
Peter: When I do, I’m gonna slug you!
(Meanwhile, Bobby and Cindy are at the bottom of the staircase Bobby tries to get Cindy to take his Little Owl outfit off)
Bobby: You better take that off by the time I count to three. One!
Cindy: I bet you can’t even count to three.
Cindy: You don’t scare me!
Bobby: 2 1/2!
(Alice comes over)
Alice : Hey hey, what’s the arithmetic for?
Bobby: When I get to three I’m gonna scalp her.
Bobby: For wearing my outfit. I’m Little Owl, not her.
Alice: Why I think Cindy makes a heap pretty squaw.
(Cindy looks at him mockingly)
(Cut to the bathroom with Greg teasing Marcia with her perfume)
Greg: Oh, this stuff makes me smooth.
Marcia: Give me back my woman of love.
Greg: Make me.
(He runs down the stairs with Marcia chasing after him. He sprays some at her)
Bobby: 2 3/4!
Alice: Greg! Marcia!
Marcia: Greg Brady! You give that here!
(Cindy screams and runs with Alice unsuccessfully trying to hold back Bobby. Peter is still chasing Jan, along with Greg and Marcia and they all head up the stairs and into Carol and Mike’s room)
Mike (looking in the dictionary): Here’s what it says in the dictionary. To share, to divide into fair and equal portions.
Carol (pointing to the closet): Well, I think that’s fair.
Jan: Mom! Mommy! Help!
(All the kids are chasing each other and screaming with Carol and Mike separating them. Mike grabs Bobby and picks him up while Carol is holding a screaming Cindy, trying to calm her down)
Mike: Alice! What do you call this?
Alice: Paradise! Remember?
(In the next scene, Mike has the family downstairs for a well-needed lecture)
Mike (to the family): When your mother and I got married, the man said for better or for worse. Well, we had enough worse, now we’re going to have better. Effective immediately, we share and share alike. Everything, bathrooms, tom-toms, whatever. (The kids nod) Good. Let’s forget what happened this morning. From now on it’s gonna be all for one and one for all, all those in favor?
Mike: come on, all those in favor.
The whole family: Aye.
(In the next scene, Carol leads Mike into their room to show him the closet)
Carol: Right this way, sir.
Mike: What’s this all about?
Carol: You’ll see. (She opens the closet door) It’s about this. (She shows him the even space) 50/50
Carol: Well, your speech really hit home.
Mike: I wasn’t talking about you, well, primarily.
Carol: Quote, effective immediately, we all share and share alike. Unquote.
Mike: You know something, I grow to like you more and more every day.
(They start to hug)
Greg (yelling form outside): Dad, come quick, in the backyard!
(Mike and Carol rush outside to the boys’ clubhouse, which has the kids arguing inside of it. Mike, Carol and Alice come by)
Mike (tapping on the door): Hold it down. Hold it down!
Greg: Look Dad, look what they did! Curtains!
Peter: And rugs!
Bobby: Girls stuff!
Greg: They totaled the place!
Carol: I think it looks lovely.
Mike: Honey, it may be lovely for girls, but not for a boys clubhouse it isn’t.
Carol: Correction, boys and girls clubhouse.
Mike: Correction, boys clubhouse.
Alice (to the kids): Okay, everyone out. Come on kids, everybody out.
Kids: But Alice.
(They all leave the clubhouse one by one)
Cindy: I wanna see them fight.
Alice: Out! Come on kids, everybody.
Mike: Carol, there are certain places where women are just not just permitted.
Carol: Name one. Just one.
Mike: Boy’s clubhouses and men’s’ locker rooms.
Carol: That’s two. Whatever happened to share and share alike?
Mike: Carol, this is different.
Carol: How? I’m sure if the girls had a dollhouse and the boys wanted to play in it there wouldn’t be any problems.
Mike: Oh yes there would, if my boys wanted to play in anybody’s dollhouse I’d take them to a psychiatrist. (Carol makes a snotty sound) Look, there are times when men want a place of their own.
Carol: I still say that girls have a right to anything that boys have.
Mike: How about beards? (He starts to laugh)
Carol: That isn’t funny. (She starts to cry)
Mike: Oh honey, I’m sorry (He hugs her) Well, paradise is sure taking a beating around here today.
(The scene fades out)
(The next scene has Greg hammering the keep out sign on the clubhouse while the girls walk around with picket signs. The girls then go inside for a break)
Jan: My feet hurt.
Cindy: I’m thirsty.
Marcia: Let’s rest up and try it again.
Jan: These picket signs won’t do any good.
Marcia: It always works at colleges.
Jan: I don’t wanna picket anymore!
Cindy: Me neither.
Marcia: Well, do you have any better ideas?
(The next scene has the girls upstairs in their room, with Carol talking to them about the situation)
Carol: Girls, let’s talk about this clubhouse business.
Jan: Maybe we can move to South America and live with the Amazons, they’re all women, aren’t they?
Marcia: Yeah, but you got to be over 6 feet tall.
Cindy: Boy, I bet they have a big clubhouse.
Marcia: One thing’s for sure, we’re not gonna give in, we women have to stick up for our rights.
Carol: That’s true, but let’s think about men’s rights for a minute. Now girls, in order to get along. sometimes you have to compromise a little.
(Cut to the boys room, where Mike is also having a discussion with them)
Greg: And we’ll never let them in, Dad.
Mike: Never is a very long time, fellas. Remember these women are living with us now.
Greg: Yeah but we’re fighting for a principle, for men to have a place of their own. Did you ever see a woman in the YMCA?
Mike: Mrs. Carson, she runs the whole thing.
Greg: Oh, she’s just a secretary there.
Mike: Now, listen fellas, let’s just slow down a minute.
(The next scene has Mike and Carol meeting in their room)
Mike (to Carol): Honey, there’s nothing to worry about anymore, I talked to the boys.
Mike: I think I straightened them out.
Carol: Oh, Mike, that’s great. How about that.
Mike: How about what?
Carol: I talked to the girls and they understand things better now.
Mike: Is that amazing?
Carol: Two great minds with a single thought.
Mike: Nobody can say we don’t understand each other.
Carol: Well, I’m glad you were finally able to convince the boys they were wrong.
Mike: I didn’t convince them they were wrong because they weren’t. I just explained how important it is to compromise with the girls, no matter how wrong they think the girls are.
Carol: Who said the girls were wrong?
Mike: You did. You just said they understand things better.
Carol: They do. I told them they have to learn to go along with men’s little idiosyncrasies.
Mike: I see, and women don’t have idiosyncrasies.
Carol: Well, certainly, but a different kind.
Mike: A woman’s idiosyncrasy is right and a man’s is wrong.
Carol: No, but a woman has to be more flexible.
Mike: Oh, come on, a man’s more flexible than a woman.
Carol: Says men.
Mike: You get the feeling that between the time I walked in here and now something has gone very wrong?
Mike: Me too.
(The next scene has Greg coming into the kitchen while Alice is cooking dinner)
Greg: Hi, Alice.
Alice: No fair peeking in the pots before dinner.
Greg: I wasn’t gonna peek in the pots. I wanted to ask you a question.
Alice: Go ahead, ask.
Greg: Who do you think is right about the clubhouse? The boys or the girls?
Alice: I’d rather have you peek in the pots.
Greg: Come on, Alice. Who do you really think is right?
Alice: You wanna know what I really think?
Alice: I think you oughtta get out of here before I take sides. Greg: Oh, come on, Alice.
Alice: I’m sorry, Greg. I’m not gonna get in the middle of this one. Out, out. Go out in the backyard, play ball or something.
(Greg goes outside and Marcia comes in. They give each other dirty looks as they pass each other)
Alice: Sorry, Marcia. I can’t answer that question.
Marcia: But I haven’t even asked you anything.
Alice: Oh, that’s right. Go ahead, ask.
Marcia: Do you think he girls are right about the clubhouse or the boys?
Alice: Like I said, sorry Marcia, I can’t answer that question.
Marcia: Alice, are you a mind reader?
Alice: Housekeeper, same thing.
(Marcia gives her a puzzled look)
(Next scene has Carol asking Alice the same thing in the family room)
Alice: Alice, please?
Alice: Sorry, Mrs. Brady. No way will I get in the great clubhouse debate.
Carol: But Alice, I need your help.
Alice: When you too promised to love, honor, et cetera, I promised to butt out.
Carol: Well, I’m granting you immunity to butt back in. Nobel prizes.
Alice: I’ll handle the really big decisions, like how much butter on the toast, how long to bake the potatoes, that sort of thing. But when it comes to trivia, like, how to salvage a family, that’s up to you and Mr. Brady.
Mike (coming into the room): Alice, I need your help…
Alice: Excuse me, it’s time for me to start something. Maybe I’ll make it dinner. (She goes into the kitchen)
Carol: What did you mean Alice, I need your help?
Mike: Help? Oh, I didn’t say help, I said hell, as in helmet.
Carol: Alice, I need your helmet? Come on.
Mike (sarcastically): I happen to belong to the National Guard, and we’re having a meeting a week from Wednesday.
(Mike leaves the room and we see Alice peeling onions and crying while she’s watching a soap opera. She gets an idea)
(The next scene has Alice talking to Carol in the bedroom)
Alice: Like I said I promised not to butt in but when Sondra said equality to Lance I just lost my head.
Carol: Alice, there’s one major flaw in your plan. I would make it a complete mess.
Alice: That’s the whole idea.
Carol: It is? (She gets excited) Yes it is! Alice, you got the mind of a master criminal. (She kisses her and leaves the room)
Alice: My pleasure, Mrs. Brady. (She looks at herself in the mirror) Well, Alice, you’ve done it again. What would I do without you? (She kisses her hands then kisses her reflection on the mirror. She leaves the room)
(In the next scene, Mike looks outside to see Carol and the girls building their own clubhouse. The boys come to look on with him)
Greg: What’s up, Dad?
Mike: I see it but I don’t believe it.
Alice (coming to join them): What?
(They look out to see what they’re doing)
Peter: What are they doing?
Bobby: It looks like they’re trying to build something.
Greg: Yeah, but what?
Alice: Maybe a girls clubhouse.
Peter: A clubhouse! That’s hysterical!
Bobby: Let’s watch them.
Mike: Let’s be careful. I don’t want them to see us.
(Carol drives a nail in one of the walls)
Carol (exhausted): Oh, there. The floor goes in next, I think.
Marcia: Shouldn’t the sides come first?
Jan: What’s the difference?
Carol (to Marcia): Bring me a two-by-four.
Cindy: What’s a tuba for?
Marcia: A skinny four-by-four.
Carol: This looks like a good one.
(The guys duck and Carol notices)
Carol (whispering to the girls): We got an audience girls, make it good. (She walks over) Bring that one over here, we’ll put it on the sawhorse.
(The boys come back up)
(She backs up and hits the two-by-four held by Marcia and Jan)
Carol: There are pieces of wood over there you girls can put together. (She picks up a paper bag) Here are the nails.
(The nails fall out of the bag while the boys laugh)
Greg: This is funnier than Laurel and Hardy.
Peter: Yeah, no commercials.
Mike: first building in history that had to be condemned before it was even built.
Carol: Well, just grab a handful and get started. Cindy, you stay here and help Mommy.
(She climbs over the piece of wood while Marcia and Jan go under it, then starts to saw)
Cindy: Be careful Mommy, we might run short on saws.
(She accidentally bent the saw)
Mike: That woman just destroyed a brand new saw.
Alice: That’s nothing, you should have been here earlier when Jan was pounding nails with your golf clubs.
Mike: My gold clubs?
Alice: Only an iron iron.
Carol: Okay girls, time to put up the walls.
(Carol, Jan and Marcia put it up)
Carol: That’s it, right there. Now you hold it while I hammer the nails.
(Carol tries to put nails in but the wall drops)
Alice: Oh my, that almost hit Cindy.
Mike: This isn’t funny anymore.
(Mike and the boys go outside while Alice remains to watch. They take over building the clubhouse for the girls)
Mike: Greg and Peter, you start tearing apart this ledge and frame, Bobby we need all the nails you can find. Girls, don’t just stand there, working men get thirsty. We need lemonade and lots of it.
Carol: Mike, I feel guilty.
Mike: Yeah, honey.
Carol: Really, I have a confession to make.
Mike: You tried to trick us.
Carol: We tried to trick you, I mean, the whole thing was nothing but a scheme…
Mike: Honey, you are a wonderful mother and great wife, but you are a rotten actress.
Carol: Well, two out of three isn’t bad. (They kiss) I’ll go help with the lemonade.
9She walks away)
Mike: Okay, men, I want to hear the sounds of a real building being put up.
(The next scene has the family in the backyard with the girls clubhouse finally built. Mike is praising everyone who helped out)
Mike: Credit to this fine new girls clubhouse belongs to all those who have participated, and looking around that seems to include everyone. Plus my buddies at the paint store and the lumberyard. I think we learned some important lessons, the importance of sharing, and the importance of respecting each other’s privacy. So, it is with great pride that I declare this new girls clubhouse officially dedicated.
(The rest of the family claps and cheers. Meanwhile, the boys clubhouse starts to collapse. The family watches while Greg and Peter take Bobby aside)
Greg: Bobby, come here, when we ran out of nails and boards and you got some for us, where did you get the nails?
Bobby (pointing to the clubhouse): Well, I, pulled them out of there.
Peter: You dummy!
Greg: Wait a minute, it’s all right. We can use this clubhouse.
Peter and Bobby: Good idea.
Marcia: Wait a minute, this one’s ours!
Jan: Yeah, the girls clubhouse!
Peter: But we’re supposed to share things!
Greg: Yeah, share and share alike!
(All the kids start arguing)
Mike: I guess it’s all part of paradise.
(Mike, Carol and Alice all go over to stop the argument as the scene fades out)
(The final scene has the family back inside. Mike leaves the family room and comes into the kitchen with Alice and Carol)
Mike: You should see those kids sitting in there watching television like nothing had ever happened.
Alice: Careful, Mr. Brady, they could might be just recharging the batteries.
Carol: Oh, I don’t think so, Alice. Not after all the lessons they learned today.
Mike: She’s right, from here on out, it’s going to be smooth sailing.
(The kids start arguing over what to watch next)
Alice: Did you say smooth sailing?
Mike: Okay, we spun a leak.
(Mike goes in the family room to restore order)