A Camping We Will Go
Written by Herbert Finn and Alan Dinehart
The Bradys take their first family camping trip together. The usual mishaps occur but they all end up having a great time. I hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(The episode begins outside the garage, with Mike and Carol preparing for the trip. Mike dusts off the sleeping bags and puts them in the station wagon, while Carol takes a few fishing rods and stores them in there as well.)
Carol: You think we may be violating a smog law?
Mike: This stuff has been packed away for over a year.
(He dusts the bags off a little more.)
Carol: Oh, Mike. Well, I think this is really going to be a fun camping trip.
Mike: Oh. yeah, well, every year I’ve taken the boys, but, this year is going to be something special.
Carol: Well, we’re really going to be an expedition.
Mike: Three new sisters and a mother, it’s going to be bigger than Lewis and Clark.
Carol: I hope the boys don’t mind having a bunch of females along.
Mike: Oh, no, they’ll get used to it. The thing is, I hope the girls enjoy camping.
Carol: I’m sure they will once they get there.
Mike: Well, we’ll show them togetherness isn’t just a word.
Carol: Right. (She starts to cough) We hope.
(They kiss and the scene fades out.)
(The next scene has Mike talking to the boys in the backyard. They are none too happy about the girls coming along.)
Greg: Ah, Dad. Why can’t you understand, girls on a camping trip is just too far out.
Bobby: They’ll ruin our fun.
Greg: They might even get lost.
Peter: Hey, maybe we should bring them along.
Mike: That’ll do, Peter. (Pause) Now look, fellas, Marcia, Jan and Cindy are all part of our family, and one half of the family doesn’t go trooping off without the other half.
Bobby: Even when they’re girls?
Mike: Yes, especially when they’re girls. We gotta show them how much fun camping can be. Why, that’s gonna be a whole brand new world to them.
Peter: It will be a whole brand new world to us too.
Mike: I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if the Brady boys couldn’t teach the Brady girls how to hunt and fish as good as any of the Brady guys.
Greg: In other words, we can keep on saying no but you’re gonna keep on saying yes, right?
Mike: The light’s beginning to break through a little bit. We are al going on this camping trip, and we’re all going to have the time of our lives. Or else.
(Cut to the girls room, where Carol is having the same discussion with the reluctant girls.)
Marcia: But mother, us on a camping trip. We’ve told you it’s a fate worse than death.
Jan: Do you expect me to sleep in a tent?
Cindy: With wild animals?
Carol: Girls, we’re not going to Africa, we’re just going camping.
Marcia (angry): Well, camping is for boys!
Carol: Camping is for boys and girls. Why, it’s so much fun falling asleep on the ground.
Jan (disgusted): On the ground all those beetles are crawling around, yuck!
Cindy: Yeah, yuck!
Carol: Why you haven’t got the faintest idea how delightful it is out there under the stars, being lulled to sleep by the sound of crickets, and then awakening in the morning to the smell of bacon frying over an open fire.
Marcia: How many times have you been camping, Mom?
Carol: Well, never, but I’ve heard about it.
Jan: And I’ve heard about it too and you can count me out.
(She lays down on the bed.)
Carol: You are counted in, young lady. We have three new brothers and a new father, and if they like camping, we like camping. Now, there will be no more discussion about it, the decision has been made.
(The next scene has the family leaving for the camping trip. Alice comes out and blows her whistle for the kids to come out.)
Alice: Hut, 2,3,4. Hut, 2,3,4. Hut, hut, hut, 2,3,4 (The kids start coming out) Hut, 2,3,4, right face, hut, 2,3, forward march. Hut, 2,3,4 hut, 2,3,4. Hut, 2, company halt. Everybody fall out and pile in. Come on, Cindy, you first, in you go girl. That’s a girl, okay, come on, Jan. There you go, at a boy, come on, Bobby. Come on, kids, here we go, ready?
(All the kids get in the station wagon.)
Alice: Okay, who’s next? I guess I am.
(She tries getting in but the backpack on her back prevents it. Finally, she turns around and gets in. Cindy comes out.)
Alice: Yeah, give that a little push. (Cindy helps her close the door. Then Alice realizes she’s not in the car) Cindy, what are you doing out there?
Cindy: I got pushed out the other end.
(Alice exits the station wagon and helps Cindy back in the car, then gets back in. Mike and Carol come out.)
Mike: Come on, Carol, we got to get going.
Mike: We should have been on the road an hour ago.
(He closes the drapes to the house as Carol comes outside.)
Mike: Come on, honey. (He sees what she’s wearing) Hey, you look great.
Mike: You really do. Any woman could wear a hundred dollar dress, but a girl who can put on a pair of blue jeans, and one of my old shirts and look the way you do, that’s A-number one.
Carol: Thank you, kind sir.
(She and Mike walk over to the car.)
Mike: Hey, boys, take my advice, marry a girl like the one who married your old man.
Greg: Yeah, you look great, mom, I mean, for someone who’s never been on a camping trip.
Peter: Come on, Dad, let’s go.
Mike: Okay, okay, we all here?
Alice: All present and accounted for, sir.
Mike (getting into the driver’s seat): Okay, here we go.
(Cindy whispers in Carol’s ear that she has to use the bathroom.)
Carol: Oh, Cindy, I asked you before we left.
Cindy: Before we left, I…
Carol: Sorry, Mike, it’ll only take a second.
(Carol and Cindy exit to go inside the house. Marcia and Jan look at each other with the same idea, as does Greg, Peter and Bobby. They all run into the house.)
Alice: Well, it’s not a bad idea.
(She gets out and goes inside the house. The next scene has the family on the road singing ‘I’ve Been Working on the Railroad’. Then they arrive to the campsite. Mike and the boys are starting a fire while Carol dusts off where they can put their logs.)
Carol: There, that’s much neater, isn’t it.
Mike: Oh, much. Thanks honey. Certainly have dusted off the dirt.
Peter: Boy, am I hungry.
Bobby: Hungry? I’m starving to death.
Carol: I’m kinda hungry myself.
Mike: Well, there’s a whole lake full of fish out there waiting to be caught.
Peter: Yeah, Dad, let’s go fishing.
Mike: Okay, you boys get the fishing rods and the rest of the gear and I’ll have your mother round up the girls.
Carol: Yeah, I think they’re out gathering pinecones. I’ll see if I can find them. Hey girls.
Greg (angry): The girls?
Mike: Naturally, the girls.
Greg: Oh, come on Dad, this camping is one thing, but fishing?
Mike: I think the girls will enjoy fishing with us.
(The boys walk away in protest while Carol comes back.)
Carol: I think the girls are with Alice.
(Alice comes by with two buckets of water.)
Alice (setting them down): Yes, sir.
Mike: Would you get the girls, Alice? The boys and I want to take them fishing. And while we’re gone, would you and Mrs. Brady collect some firewood?
Alice: Yes, sir. All right, girls! (She blows her whistle and startles Mike and Carol) Fall out for fishing detail! (She salutes but then accidentally kicks one of the buckets down. It spills all over her shoes. Mike laughs and the girls come to join them.)
Marcia: What are we going to do, Alice?
Alice: Well, you’re going fishing and I’m going to change my shoes.
(Carol laughs while the boys return with fishing gear.)
Mike (to Carol): Okay, honey, get a good fire started because we’re coming back with enough fish to feed an army.
Carol: That’s good, because we have an army.
(The girls laugh.)
Mike: Okay, everybody, fish beware, here come the Bradys.
(The kids cheer and head for the lake.)
Carol: Bye, kids, have fun.
(The next scene has Carol and Alice waiting at the campsite and have a fire started.)
Alice: Mrs. Brady, is it all right if we nibble a little on the emergency rations you brought along?
Carol: Sure, Alice, go ahead. No telling when they’ll be back with that fish.
Alice: Aren’t you famished too?
Carol: Yeah, but I think I’ll wait. I don’t wanna spoil my appetite with that delicious fresh fish.
Alice: Well, if you can wait, I can wait. I’ll just use a little psychology. I took psychology in school.
Carol: You did, Alice?
Alice: Yeah, if you don’t think about food, you won’t get hungry, so I just won’t think about food.
Alice: Come to think of it, I flunked psychology.
(She goes in the tent.)
Carol: Oh Alice, wait a minute, here come Greg and Jan. Better get those frying pans ready.
(Greg and Jan come over.)
Alice: Okay, let’s have them.
(Greg takes a small fish out of his bag and puts it in the frying pan held by Alice.)
Jan: Go ahead, tell them all about the big one that got away because of me. (Pause) And I was not afraid of it, I couldn’t help it. I had a good grip on it but I let go because it felt, (Pause) Fishy.
Greg: And of course all her screaming scared the other fish away.
Carol: Well, don’t worry about it Greg. I’m sure the others will catch enough fish for all of us.
Jan: I’m gonna go wash my hands.
(She walks away.)
Greg: Well how’s a fish supposed to feel if it doesn’t feel fishy?
(He walks in the other direction while Marcia and Peter come by.)
Peter: I hope somebody likes sardines. That’s the best you can catch when somebody, who shall be nameless, breaks your line.
Marcia (defiantly): I did not break it, I walked into it by mistake. It felt like a cobweb and I got all tangled up.
Peter: I didn’t know you were scared of cobwebs.
Marcia: I wasn’t scared! It tickled me.
(She walks away and Peter talks to one of the tents.)
Carol: Well, I guess dear old Dad will have to be the big provider. (Alice puts the sardine in the pan) Yuck!
(Bobby comes over.)
Carol: Hiya, Bobby, where’s Daddy?
Bobby: Right behind me.
Carol: Ah, good, did he catch anything?
Bobby: Did he, wow.
Alice: How big?
Bobby: This big, see? (He points to Mike carrying a drenched Cindy) Daddy caught Cindy just in time.
Mike: Just in time to get her soaked and scare all the fish away.
Carol (taking Cindy in her arms): Aww, sweetheart, if you wanted to go swimming why didn’t you say so?
Cindy: I didn’t swim on purpose, I swum on accident.
(Carol kisses Cindy and Alice takes her.)
Alice: Well, if you’ll excuse me and this pint-sized mermaid, I’ll get her into some dry clothes. Come on.
Carol (to Mike): well, I don’t suppose my girls will win any trout contests.
Mike: Honey, the girls couldn’t help it. Problem now is, what are we going to eat?
Carol: Wait one second.
(Peter and Greg come out of the tent to talk to Mike.)
Peter: I had a whopper this long just begging to be caught!
Greg: Yeah, me too! We could be frying it right this minute if it weren’t for the so-called opposite sex.
Mike: Boys, there’s no use crying over spilled trout.
Greg: But the girls scared them all away.
Mike: Well, they’ll be back tomorrow.
Peter: We’re starving now!
Mike: You’ll survive.
(Carol, Marcia and Jan come out with a picnic basket.)
Carol: Surprise. The girls and I packed this in the car in case of an emergency.
Marcia: How’s that for a brilliant mother?
Mike: Hey, Carol, you’re a lifesaver, we’re starving to death.
Carol: Well, we got cold cuts, cheese and fried chicken. Just name your poison.
Mike: Anything and everything.
Greg: Dad, no, that’s sissy food!
Mike: Oh, yeah, well, but…
Peter: We always live off the land.
Mike: I know, but…
Greg: Okay, okay, if you want to chicken out.
Mike: I’m not chickening out, I’m being realistic. Also thankful. Listen, if your mother is thoughtful enough to bring this food out here the least you can do is eat it.
Greg: Cold cuts, cheese, salami, fried chicken. We may as well camp in a supermarket.
Mike: It’s better to eat in a supermarket than starve at camp. (He takes a bite of the chicken) Mmm, that’s delicious.
(Mike, Carol and the girls feast away at the chicken while Greg and Peter seethe in disgust.)
Marcia: Mmm, delectable.
Jan: Simply melts in your mouth.
(Greg and Peter continue to watch but eventually give in.)
Greg: I can’t stand that kind of pressure, let me at it.
Peter: Me too.
(They both grab a piece of chicken and join the rest in eating it as the scene fades.)
(The next scene takes us to that evening, with the kids inside their tents and Mike and Carol outside laying by the fire)
Mike: Well, honey, so far so good.
Carol: Yeah, the kids are really enjoying themselves.
Mike: Mmm hmm, so am I. You know what? It’s kind of romantic out here.
Carol: Yeah. And now a found a moment alone together.
Marcia (calling from the tent): Mom, can we have some water?
Carol: Just a minute.
Greg: Hey Dad, where are the blankets?
Mike: Togetherness, huh.
(He and Carol start kissing.)
Carol: Good night, honey.
Mike: Good night, dear.
(Carol gets up and heads into the tent. She and Mike blow kisses to each other. Mike puts the fire out and throws dust over it.)
Mike (to himself): Togetherness, huh?
(The next scene has Carol dressed in pajamas and getting ready for bed.)
Carol (to Marcia): Good night, sweetheart. (She gives her a kiss and then kisses Jan good night) Sleep tight now. (Then she kisses Cindy good night and tucks her in) Sweet dreams. (to all the girls) This is the life.
(Alice puts curlers in her hair and pumps air in her mattress while Carol and the girls watch. Then she gets into bed. Then she reaches over to turn off the lantern before finally getting ready to doze off. The girls then get awakened by an owl and get scared.)
Jan (waking up): What was that?
Cindy: I don’t know!
Carol: I’m not sure. Mike, Mike!
(Mike comes out of his tent and sticks his head in the girls tent.)
Mike: What’s the matter?
Carol: What’s that noise?
Mike: What noise?
(The owl hoots again.)
Carol: That noise.
Mike: That’s not a noise, that’s an owl hooting. He won’t bother you.
Carol (relieved): Thanks, honey. Good night.
Mike: Good night.
Jan: Good night, Dad.
(Next sound they hear is a frog croaking.)
Alice: If that’s an owl, he’s got a frog in his throat.
(Mike returns to his tent with the boys.)
Peter: What’s the matter, Dad?
Mike: Huh? Oh, nothing. The girls just wanted to know what the noise was. It turned out to be an owl.
Bobby: Boy, are they scaredy cats.
Mike: Oh yeah? Well, it seems to me that last year around this time I remember you were pretty frightened of those owls.
Bobby: Well, I was just a little kid then.
Mike (laughing): All right, you guys, if we’re gonna go hiking tomorrow, you better get some sleep.
Greg: Good night, Dad.
Peter: Good night, Dad.
Mike: Good night.
(In the next scene, Carol, Alice and the girls are sleeping when they suddenly hear a noise from Alice’s mattress.)
Carol (waking up): What’s that noise?
Alice: I may be wrong, and I certainly hope I am, but it sounds like a rattlesnake.
Carol: A rattlesnake?
(She and the girls scream, waking Mike and the boys up. Mike gets up and runs to their tent.)
Mike: For heaven’s sake!, what is it?
Alice: It’s got me! It’s got me! It’s got me!
Mike: What’s got you? What’s got you?
Alice: I don’t know, but can’t you hear it? It’s in the sleeping bag with me.
Mike (frustrated): Oh, Alice, nothing’s got you. With all that hardware on your head you punctured your air mattress.
(Alice breathes in relief.)
Alice: Oh, thank goodness. For a minute there I thought I was a goner.
Carol: You’ll have to forgive us honey, it’s our first night of camping and we’re just a little nervous.
Mike: Girls, try to be calm. There are no wild animals in this area.
Marcia: None of any kind?
Mike: Absolutely none, so, try to be calm and sleep tight, huh?
Carol: Thanks, honey.
Marcia: Good night, Dad.
Carol: Good night.
Jan: Good night, Daddy.
Cindy: Good night, Daddy.
Carol: Good night.
(Mike leaves their tent and heads back to the other tent.)
Greg and Peter: What happened? What did they want?
Bobby: And how are we supposed to get any sleep with the girls along?
Mike: That’s enough, Bobby.
Peter: The trouble with them is they get scared at every little sound.
Mike: Did you hear me? I said that’s enough.
Peter: Well, you said it to Bobby, not to me.
Mike: Well, I’m saying it to you now. (He turns to Greg) And before you open your big mouth, I’m saying it to you too? Don’t you remember it was the girls who brought along all that food?
Greg: That’s right, fellas.
Peter: And it was pretty good too.
Bobby: Well, I guess women are okay for some things.
Mike: All right, boys.
(They all lay down to go to sleep as we cut onto the next scene which has Marcia and Jan up to play a trick on the boys.)
Marcia (to Jan): Let’s scare them now.
(They sneak over to outside of the tent with a flashlight and the small cutout cardboard of a bear and make hand shadows with it. Bobby wakes up in fear.)
Bobby: Dad, a bear! A bear! A bear!
Peter: A bear!
Greg: That really is a bear!
(The boys hurry out while Mike tries to stop them.)
Mike: Boys, boys! wait!
(They rush outside and see Marcia and Jan. They scream while the boys chase them to their tent. They all run in and it collapses, with Mike standing there laughing.)
Carol (crawling out of the tent): Well, you finally got what you wanted.
Mike (laughing): Oh, yeah, what’s that.
Mike: Come on out of there. (He walks over and kneels down) Hey, come on out of there. Hey you guys. Hey!
(He goes inside and joins in the mayhem while the scene fades.)
(The final scene has Mike and Carol in their room, winding down from their trip. Mike unties Carol’s shoe.)
Mike: Boy, I’m going to be glad to get into a bed tonight. I’m tired.
Carol: No wonder, three solid days with the kids. You must be worn to a frazzle.
Mike: I bet you’re frazzled too.
Carol: Exhausted. You now, togetherness is great, but exhausting.
Mike (untying Carol’s other shoe): Where are they all now, by the way?
Carol: Down in the den.
Mike: All of them, together?
Carol: Mmm, hmmm.
Mike (pleased): Maybe we proved something on that camping trip after all.
Carol: I sure hope so.
(They hear a knock on the door.)
Mike: Come in.
(Greg comes in.)
Greg: Mom, Dad, can I ask you a question?
Mike: Sure, what is it, son?
Greg: We just had a big meeting downstairs, Peter, Bobby and all the girls. We had lots of fun together on this camping trip and, well, is it okay if we all go every place with you from now on?
Mike: Well, certainly son.
Carol: Of course.
Greg: Thanks, I’ll go tell them.
(He leaves the room and carol and Mike lay down on the bed laughing and the scene fades out.)