Is There A Doctor In The House
Written by Ruth Brooks Flippen
The kids come down with the measles. This prompts Mike and Carol to decide which doctor of theirs to keep, the girls female doctor or the boys male doctor. I hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
DR. PORTER, THE GIRLS’ DOCTOR
DR. CAMERON, THE BOYS’ DOCTOR
(The episode begins with Carol removing paper from inside the chairs in the living room, and Alice vacuuming the floor. Peter comes in through the front door.)
Carol: Peter, what are you doing home from school?
Peter: They sent me home, measles.
(He has red dots all over his face and arms, along with a high fever.)
Alice: I’d say they’re measles or a strange case of red freckles.
Carol (feeling his head): You do have a temperature.
Peter: They told me, 101.1. What’s the record?
Carol: Never mind, that’s one record you don’t want to break.
Alice: Right. You don’t get to hold the title very long.
Carol: I think you better get upstairs and get into bed. I’ll phone the doctor and be right up.
(Peter goes upstairs.)
Alice: Hmm, measles, let’s hope all the others don’t start coming down with it.
Carol: Oh, that would be terrible.
Alice: Right. As the warden of the state prison once said, I sure would hate to see them all break out at once.
(The scene fades out.)
(The next scene has us at Mike’s office. He is on the phone with Carol discussing Peter’s condition.)
Mike (laughing): Oh, no. Are you sure it’s the measles?
Carol: Well, he certainly got all the symptoms. A slight temperature, a lot of dots and a great big smile.
Mike: A great big smile?
Carol: No school for a few days.
Mike: Did you call the doctor?
Carol: Well, I’ve been trying to honey but the line’s been busy.
Mike: Well, say hello to my dotted son for me. Tell him I’ll bring him come comic books and I’ll see you later.
Carol: Okay, honey. Bye. (She hangs up) Oh, Alice, have you seen the thermometer?
Alice: Well, let’s see, the last time I used it was in the roast beef. (Carol looks at her) Oh, you mean for people. I’ll get it.
(Alice goes into her room and Carol calls the doctor.)
Carol: Hello, may I please speak to Dr. Porter? Dr. Porter, this is Carol Brady. Would you mind stopping by the house? One of the kids was sent home from school with the measles? Yeah, thanks a lot. (Just as she hangs up, Jan comes in and was also stricken with the measles) Jan! You got measles.
Jan; Golly, mothers are supposed to know everything, but do you have to keep proving it?
Carol (feeling Jan’s head): Oh, you got a temperature too.
Jan: What do you mean too?
Carol: Peter was sent home a little while ago.
Jan: Oh, what was his temperature?
Jan: Is that all? I’m 101.2
Carol: Then you get right into bed. Dr. Porter’s on her way over.
Jan: Can I tell Peter he’s a point behind me?
Carol: I’m sure he’ll appreciate your sympathy. Now into bed, Jan.
(Jan goes upstairs while Alice is in Peter’s room. He’s working on a crossword puzzle and talking jibberish with the thermometer in his mouth.)
Alice: I can’t understand a word you’re saying. Wait till I get the thermometer out. (Peter continues to jibber while Alice is timing her watch) 5,4,3,2 and out.
(She removes his thermometer.)
Peter: What’s a seven letter word for drink?
Alice: Good. Hasn’t gone up a bit.
Peter: I need a seven letter word for drink.
Alice: Oh, seven letter word for drink.
Jan (calling from her room): Mom! Mom!
Alice: I’ll be right back.
(Alice comes into Jan’s room.)
Alice: Your mother is in the kitchen, sweetie, fixing that special milkshake you wanted.
Jan: Oh yeah. (She shows Alice a picture she drew) See what I drew, Alice?
Alice: Oh, that’s beautiful, Jan. Just beautiful.
Jan: Can you tell what it is?
Alice: Of course, it’s a bird.
Jan: I don’t mean that, I mean, what kind of bird?
Alice: Oh. (Peter yells for her) Alice! Oh, uh, I, promised Peter I would help him. (She rushes back into his room) Uh, let’s see, a seven letter word for drink, I think I got it. Lime aid. That’s seven letters.
Peter: It starts with an S.
Alice (tiredly): Now you tell me.
Jan : ALICE!
Alice (running toward her room): Hey, uh, how about soda pop.
Peter: That’s two words.
Alice: Be right back. (She comes in Jan’s room) An eagle (Jan shakes her head no) A hawk, a vulture. (Jan shakes her head no again and Alice gives up.)
Jan: It’s a swallow.
Alice: Of course, it’s a swallow.
Alice: Swallow. (She mocks a British accent) I think I’ve got it. (She runs in Peter’s room) Peter, you got your pencil ready? Swallow.
Peter: I got that one. (Alice looks disappointed) What’s a 5 letter word for exhausted?
(Next, Mike is still at his office on the phone calling the boys’ doctor, Dr. Cameron.)
Mike: Dr. Cameron, this is Mike Brady. I’ve been wondering about Peter. (Pause) What do you mean wondering what? Didn’t Carol call you? (Pause) Peter’s got the measles. (He laughs) Maybe you didn’t get the message yet. I’d appreciate it if you dropped by the house and checked him over. I’ll see you there. Bye.
(Carol is in the kitchen back at the house making Jan’s milkshake when Dr. Porter arrives. Carol runs to the door and lets her in.)
Carol: Oh, Dr. Porter, please come in.
Dr. Porter: How are you, Carol?
Carol: Oh, fine. I’m sure glad you got here so soon. Not only Peter but Jan has the measles.
Dr. Porter: That’s pretty sneaky, trying to get two for the price of one. I’ll check her as soon as I’m finished with Peter.
Carol: Good, will you tell Peter I’ll be right up, I’m fixing something in the kitchen for Jan.
Dr. Porter: Upstairs, right.
Carol: Yeah, boys room, first door on the right. See you in a couple of minutes.
(The next scene is in Peter’s room, with Dr. Porter coming in.)
Dr. Porter: But Peter, I am a doctor. I’ve always taken care of your mother’s girls.
Peter: Then you’re a girls doctor.
Dr. Porter: No, I’m not. I take care of little boys too.
Peter: I’m a big boy, MOM!
Carol: What is it, what happened?
Peter: Come here.
(He motions to her to come closer.)
Carol (to Dr. Porter): Excuse me.
Peter: Mom, she’s a woman. We go to Dr. Cameron, a guy.
Carol: But Peter, a doctor is a doctor. They don’t just take care of just boys and girls, they take care of both.
Peter: Well, she’s not gonna take care of me both.
Carol: Oh, what is it?
Jan: MOM, COME QUICK!
Carol: What in the world? (She turns to Dr. Porter) Would you please explain it to him, (to Peter) Now, Peter, you’re being very silly about this.
Carol: Coming! Coming! (She rushes into Jan’s bedroom) Jan, what’s the matter?
Jan: Can’t you see, there’s a strange man in my room.
(She sees Dr. Cameron and panics.)
Carol: You lay a hand on this girl and I’ll, I’ll call the police!
Dr. Cameron: Mrs. Brady, I presume.
Carol: Well, I think you presume too much. Breaking and entering and frightening a poor little girl, you better have a good explanation for this.
Dr. Cameron: Well, I think I rather have a very good explanation for this. You see, I’m a pediatrician.
Carol: Then what are you doing here? I never heard of a doctor going door to door.
Dr. Cameron (laughing): Mrs. Brady, I’ve been taking care of Mike’s kids from since the time they were born. He asked me to come over, Alice brought me up.
Carol (embarrassed): Oh, doctor, I’m sorry. (Pause) My face must be as red as her dots. (Pause) Uh, Mike didn’t tell me that he phoned you, so naturally when I saw a strange man. (Pause) How can I apologize?
Dr. Cameron: You already have, very sweetly.
Carol: Well, uh, I called Dr. Peter, (correcting herself) Porter and she’s in the room with Porter, (again correcting herself) Peter.
Dr. Cameron: You mean Catherine Porter?
Carol: Do you know her?
Dr. Cameron: No, but I’ve heard of her, she’s an excellent doctor.
Jan (petulantly): A girl’s doctor.
Carol: Why don’t you just relax, Jan. (to Dr. Cameron) I’ll go in and talk to Dr. Porter. I’m sure I can just straighten this whole thing out in a few minutes.
Dr. Cameron: Meantime, Jan and I can get better acquainted.
Jan (pointing her finger at him): Only if you keep your distance!
Carol (firmly): Jan.
Jan (relenting): Sir.
(She waves good-bye to Dr. Cameron and runs into Mike in the hallway.)
Carol: Oh, Mike. This is conference time.
Mike: Well, I was just going in…
Carol: Come on.
(She leads him down the stairs.)
Mike: What’s with a conference at a time like this when we have a kid upstairs with the measles?
Carol: Two kids, Jan has the measles too.
Mike: Oh, wow, what did the doctor say?
Carol: Which one? There are two doctors up there.
Mike: Why two?
Carol: Naturally, I called Dr. Porter and naturally, you called Dr. Cameron. One and one makes two.
Mike (laughing): Amazing, two doctors both making house calls. They may be drummed out of the AMA.
Carol: But you haven’t heard the rest of the story, Dr. Porter is a woman doctor.
Carol: And Peter doesn’t want a woman doctor.
Mike: Well, I can’t say I blame him, a guy doesn’t want a woman taking his (Pause) temperature.
Carol: And Jan isn’t exactly thrilled about a man taking hers.
(Mike gives a surprised look.)
Mike: Dr. Cameron’s a very fine doctor.
Carol: Well, Dr. Porter’s a very fine doctor, too. I mean, she’s taken marvelous care of the girls for…
(He hear a sound of a bell ring.)
Mike: What’s wrong.
(Greg, Marcia, Bobby and Cindy come in. They were also stricken.)
Greg: We got the measles, all four of us.
Mike: Correction, all six of us.
(Mike and Carol get up to approach the kids.)
Marcia: You mean Jan and Peter have them too? (Carol nods) You better call Dr. Porter.
Greg: Dr. Cameron.
Marcia: Dr. Porter.
Greg: Dr. Cameron.
Carol: Hold it, they’re both upstairs.
Bobby: I like Dr. Cameron, he gives lollipops.
Cindy: Dr. Porter gives all day suckers.
Mike: Doctors must have an arrangement with dentists.
(Dr. Porter and Dr. Cameron walk down the stairs while the kids run up to them.)
(The next scene has both the doctors leaving and Carol and Mike talking to them.)
Carol: Well, it certainly was kind of you to come.
(Mike chimes in with we both appreciate. and Yes.., during Carol’s line.)
Mike: We would like to (Pause) What we mean to…
Carol: Well, Mike and I are, uh, well we certainly are going to discuss the situation.
Dr. Cameron: We understand. It isn’t necessary to double your doctors.
Mike: Well, we want what’s best, well, what’s best for the children.
Dr. Porter: Fine. You make your choice.
Dr. Cameron: Yeah.
Dr. Porter: That’s right Dr. Cameron.
Dr. Cameron: Right. May the best man (Pause) or woman win.
Carol: Thanks again.
(The doctors leave and Carol shuts the door behind them. They walk into the living room.)
Mike: Oh, honey. Will you stop worrying and relax. We’ll use your doctor.
Carol: I wouldn’t dream of it.
Carol: If we used my doctor and anything went wrong, I’d never forgive myself.
Mike: Oh, fine. We use my doctor and I’d never forgive myself. Nothing doing.
Carol: Okay, if you insist, we’ll use my doctor.
Mike: Fine. Hold it, hah, hah,hah.
Carol: Hold what?
Mike: You outmaneuvered me. Use your doctor, that’s what you wanted all along. To use your doctor.
Carol: Do you object? Then we use your doctor.
Mike: Oh, no. That’s not gonna work either.
Carol: Oh, come on, Mike. Why don’t we just put it off until you can decide which doctor.
Mike: At this point I’d settle for a witch doctor.
(The scene fades.)
(The next scene has Greg, Marcia, Peter and Jan playing monopoly in the girls room while Bobby and Cindy are in the other room coloring.)
Marcia: Oh, Greg, you won my railroad.
Greg: I’ll be a sport, you can ride on it free.
Marcia: Thanks a lot.
Jan: It’s your turn, Peter.
Greg: Boy, this is the life, isn’t it.
Marcia: Yeah, if you have to get sick, you sure can’t beat the measles.
Peter: That’s right.
Jan: No medicine.
Greg: Inside and out, like shots I mean.
Jan: Don’t even mention shots. Yuck.
Marcia (to Peter): Where did you land?
Peter: I won a 90 foot yacht. Who owned that yacht?
Jan: Who cares, I get seasick anyway.
(Bobby and Cindy run in.)
Cindy: Marcia, will you tell Bobby to stop it.
Marcia: Listen, you kids. you promised you’d stay in the next room and color.
Bobby: That’s what we’re doing, we’re coloring.
Cindy: I colored a tiger. Bobby colored a giraffe, and now Bobby wants to color me.
Cindy: My spots.
Bobby: I thought they’d look better green.
Greg: Go back and color your books. And Bobby, her spots would look rotten in green.
Bobby: Hey, How about blue? I’ll make her spots blue.
Cindy: I like them red like they are.
Marcia: Go on, you two. Back to your coloring books.
Bobby: Come on, Cindy.
Marcia: Go on.
Jan: Those two act like such children.
Marcia: Come on, Jan. it’s your turn.
Greg (sarcastically): Boy, I sure am lonesome from Ms. Kittredge in that algebra class. I could almost cry, boo hoo.
Marcia: Yeah, everything would be perfect, except for the doctors.
Peter: Especially that woman doctor.
Greg: Yeah, women are supposed to be nurses, men are supposed to be doctors.
Marcia: Who says so, there are men nurses.
Peter: Yeah, name one place.
Jan: The county hospital. I just won it and from now on it’s gonna have nothing but women doctors and men nurses.
Greg: When are you girls gonna give up? Everybody knows men doctors are better than women doctors.
Jan: You’re not everybody.
Marcia: You’re not even anybody.
Peter: You hear that, Greg?
Greg: You keep talking like that girls and…
Marcia: Gentleman, if you don’t like the conversation that’s in this room.
Jan: Which by coincidence happens to be a woman’s room.
Marcia: True. Then why don’t you get lost.
Greg: Come on, Peter, we can take a hint.
Peter: Yeah, it’s time for lunch anyway.
(They get up to return to the boys room.)
Greg: And just for that Marcia, no free rides on my railroad.
(Marcia and Jan stick their tongues out.)
(The next scene has Carol, Mike and Alice downstairs preparing lunch for all the kids. Mike is looking for a bell.)
Mike: I know there’s another one somewhere. (Pause) I just remembered where, in the garage. I’ll be right back.
(We hear a sound of a bell from upstairs.)
Carol: Is that you, Cindy?
Cindy: Yes, mother.
Carol: Your orange juice is coming right up.
(Then we hear another sound.)
Carol: Yours too, Bobby.
(Now the sound of a phone.)
Carol; Oh, Marcia, can’t it wait?
(The sound of a drum playing is heard next.)
Carol: Greg, your father is looking for a bell, now please stop pounding on those silly drums.
(The next sound is of a cannon.)
Carol: Happy New Year, Jan.
(Finally, the sound of an army whistle.)
Carol: If you’ll just wait a minute, Sergeant Peter, your lunch will be right there. (She turns to Alice) Oh, Alice, you know something, I bet when I go to sleep tonight I’m gonna dream about bells.
Alice: I always dream about bells, and they’re always the same kind, wedding bells. Then I wake up.
(Mike returns with a bell.)
Mike: No more bongo drums for Greg.
Carol: Oh, thank goodness.
Alice: Yeah, I kept getting the feeling the natives were getting restless.
Carol: Come on, Mike. Let’s take these trays up.
Alice: You got everything here.
Carol: I think so. There are six luncheon trays, five comic books, four jigsaw puzzles (she starts to sing in the tune of the 12 days of Christmas) three magic tricks, two ice cream bars (Mike joins her) and one cowbell.
(Mike shakes the bell and Alice claps.)
Greg (yelling from upstairs): It’s sure great how some people can sing while other people are dying!
Carol: Why is it that kids always say they’re dying?
Alice: Because to a child’s mind, that is THE super way of getting even.
Mike: You have to admit though, the kids have been awfully good. After all, they’re uncomfortable, they’re itchy.
Carol: Yeah, and stuck up in bed. I think they’ve been really great, hardly any trouble at all.
(The kids start playing their respective instruments again, as to call the parents to bring them lunch.)
Alice: As you were saying, Mrs. Brady.
Carol: Coming! Coming!
Mike: I’m right behind you.
(Mike and Carol take the trays and bring them up the stairs.)
Mike: After you, my dear Miss Nightingale.
Carol: Thank you, kind sir.
(They walk upstairs with the trays and first head into the boys room.)
Carol: Okay, fellas, here we are. Lunch.
Mike: Lunch, lunch, everybody get in line because it’s chow time. And such chow you’ve never seen.
Carol: There, Greg, is that beautiful?
Greg (looking at his lunch): I’d really rather have baloney.
Mike: Baloney? That’s a feast fit for a king.
Greg: Then give it to the king and get me some baloney.
Carol: Mike, he’s sick and irritable. If he wants baloney then.
Mike: Okay, okay, I’ll get it (angrily to Greg) Baloney!
(Carol brings lunch to Peter and Bobby.)
Carol: There you are, Peter. Bobby.
Marcia (yelling from the other room): Hey, Mom, whatever happened to ladies first?
Carol: Be right there, we came to this room first.
(Carol gets the rest of the trays and brings them to the girls’ room.)
Peter (scoffing): Broccoli, yuck.
Carol (coming in the girls’ room): Here we go.
Marcia: I’m starved.
Jan: Me too.
(She brings Marcia her lunch and then goes over to Cindy.)
Carol: There you are, sweetheart. There, let me help you.
Cindy: How come I always get peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?
Carol: Because you love them.
Cindy: Oh, yeah, I keep forgetting.
(Carol brings lunch to Jan,)
Carol: And last but not least.
Jan: Where’s the gravy?
Carol: Oh, the gravy, I forgot. Gravy coming up.
(Carol meets Mike on the stairs.)
Carol: We forgot the gravy for Jan’s food. She likes everything all mushed together.
Mike (nervously): Mush?
(They meet again on the stairs, with Mike going back downstairs and Carol coming up.)
Mike: Peter and Bobby want mustard.
Carol: Oh, goodness, all this up and downstairs.
Mike: They should pay a gem $100 for this much exercise.
(Mike returns home from work that evening, while Carol and Alice are going over their medical chart.)
Carol: Jan had chicken pox and, uh, Marcia and Cindy had mumps. There, well, whichever doctor we choose, at least we’ll have all the information on all the kids.
Alice: Uh, except for poison oak. Now, I know none of the boys had it.
Carol: None of the girls had poison oak either.
Alice: Okay, scratch poison oak.
(She and Carol laugh at the pun she made. Mike comes in.)
Mike: Greetings, how are things in Brady general hospital?
Carol: Well, we’re still featuring measles. Take a look.
Mike (looking at the chart): What is this? Some kind of wall-to-wall scrabble.
Carol: It’s a marvelous new idea, but we sure can use your help.
Alice: What illnesses/diseases do you recall?
Mike: The doctors have kept records they can transfer from one to the other. Besides, this is wrong. None of the kids have had a shot for his temper.
Alice: That’s Tiger’s column. I figured I might as well keep a record for the vet.
(They hear a bell ring.)
Carol: It’s time for the kids’ ice cream sundaes.
Mike: Ice cream sundaes? It’s almost dinner.
Carol: That’s Marcia. She’s afraid we didn’t hear Greg.
Mike: Kids, because they have a few dots on their faces, they think they can order everybody around. I think they’re taking advantage now.
Alice: I got to do something about this memory of mine. Mr. Brady, who was it who had the flu last year, that had to had one hot buttered rum after another. In addition to crossword puzzles, magnetic and solitaire games, dartboard, and a pair of nails, twisted nails, that had to be untwisted.
Mike: Now, that’s enough.
Alice: Which he never could get untwisted.
(Alice walks out of the kitchen.)
Mike: That was a very difficult puzzle.
Carol: You know, we almost had a very foolish argument last night.
Mike: About the doctors.
Carol: Well look, we’re both mature adults with a reasonable amount of intelligence. Right? (Mike nods in agreement) Well, I think this business of deciding upon a doctor should be handled on a very logical, reasonable, intelligent level.
Mike: Well, I couldn’t agree more, what do you suggest?
Carol: Let’s toss a coin.
Mike: That’s beautiful. You happen to have one with you, I mean, both sides are the same?
Carol: Oh, look Mike. I’m serious. They’re both fine doctors, and we know which ever one we choose the children are gonna have the very best.
Mike: Wait a minute, the children. The children are the ones that are sick, right?
Mike: Well, they met both of the doctors. Let’s let them make the choice.
(Next, Carol is talking to the girls, who all have their heads underneath their blankets.)
Carol: But girls, you can’t avoid it. Listen, there’s gonna come a time when you’re gonna have to use a doctor that’s a man. Look, what if you were on a sinking ship and it was going down for the third time, and if you developed a bad cold and the only doctor available was the ship’s doctor who happened to be a man. (Pause) well, then, what would you do?
(The girls all get up from their blankets and in unison they yell ‘drown’. Mike is in the boys’ room discussing the same matter with them.)
Mike: Fellas, there’s no difference between a woman doctor and a man doctor.
Greg: But Dad, you’re the one who told us about the birds and the bees.
(Mike gives a puzzled look as we move into the next scene. Mike and Carol are in the living room discussing the situation further.)
Mike (to Carol): You got nowhere with the girls, huh.
Carol: Nope, same progress with the boys?
Mike: Yep. Doctors, doctors. (Pause) Carol, you have your own doctor, right?
Mike: You have your doctor, I have my doctor. Suppose I said to you from now on you have to use my doctor, what would you say to me?
Carol: Now, Mike, let’s not go into that.
Mike: Exactly, and that’s just the way I would react. We haven’t switched to one doctor just because we got married.
Carol: That’s true. So why should the kids switch doctors?
Mike: How about that, I’m a genius.
Carol: If you’re such a genius, how come you didn’t think of it yesterday?
Mike: I’m what you call a slow genius.
Carol: Well, we’ll just have two doctors.
Mike: Yeah, one for the boys and one for the girls. Simple.
(The doorbell rings.)
Mike: That must be a member of our medical staff.
Carol: I wonder who’s, yours or mine.
(They both get up to answer the door. it turns out to be Dr. Porter and Dr. Cameron.)
Carol: Oh, come on in.
Mike: Good evening.
Dr. Porter: Dr. Cameron is here too.
Dr. Porter: How are the children?
Carol: Oh, they’re getting along just fine.
Mike: We thought before you go upstairs to see the children we’d like to talk to you for a minute.
Dr. Cameron: Of course.
Carol: Mike and I have finally reached a decision.
Mike: Some families have two cars, some families have two phones, why not two doctors?
Dr. Cameron: Why not?
Dr. Porter: Fine with us. (Pause) By the way, if you call my office, and a man answers, don’t hang up. It will be him.
Carol: Dr. Cameron?
Dr. Cameron: Well, yes, since Dr. Porter and I met here, we’ve been complaining to each other about the long hours, the workload and, well, the problems of not having an associate.
Dr. Porter: And so we decided to combine our practices.
Carol: Well, congratulations.
Mike: That’s wonderful.
(Dr. Cameron notices something on Mike.)
Dr. Cameron: By the way, how long have you had that red spot on your cheek?
Mike: What red spot?
Dr. Cameron: Dr. Porter? (Pause) And the one on your chin.
Carol: Oh, no. Don’t tell me he’s got the measles.
Dr. Porter: Of course we can’t be sure unless he’s had an examination.
Dr. Cameron: Well, we’re practicing together, which one of us do you want?
Mike: Well, in order to prove a point to the boys.
Carol: Ahh, never mind, Dr. Cameron, he’s all yours.
(The scene fades out.)
(In the final scene, Carol and Mike are checking off their chart with the family members who had the measles.)
Carol: Measles, measles, measles. Well, all the kids have now had the measles.
Mike: So have I.
Carol: I had them years ago. Looks like the Bradys are finished with the measles.
Alice (coming out of her bedroom): Hold it. (Pause) We’re not through yet.
Carol (upset): Alice, don’t tell me you’re coming down with the measles.
Alice: Oh, I hope so, I’d hate to think I was just turning out a blush at my age.
Mike (writing on the chart): Alice.