Mike’s Horror Scope
Written by Ruth Brooks Flippen
Mike reads in his horoscope that a strange woman will enter his life. Coincidentally, an eccentric bombshell hired him to design her a new factory and causes all kinds of problems. Hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
MIKE BRADY
CAROL BRADY
ALICE NELSON
GREG BRADY
MARCIA BRADY
PETER BRADY
JAN BRADY
BOBBY BRADY
CINDY BRADY
BEEBE GALLINI
DUANE CARTWRIGHT
(The episode begins with Mike and carol in their room. Mike just opened the window a little bit, then crawls into bed. He then gets under the covers and sees Carol looking at the newspaper.)
Mike: What are you looking for?
Carol: The astrology forecast.
Mike: Astrology.
Carol: Well, Martha swears by it. She calls me up every morning to see if I’m following what it says.
Mike: I’ve got a news flash for you. Your friend Martha’s a fruitcake.
Carol (laughing): Agreed. Ah, here it is, my chart for tomorrow.
Mike: What does it say?
Carol: Beware of purchases tomorrow, don’t buy anything at all.
Mike: Hey, now that’s the kind of astrology that makes sense. Let me look at it.
Carol: Oh, I know I shouldn’t have read it out that loud. I need new shoes.
(Carol hands the paper to Mike. He clears his throat and then he laughs.)
Carol: What’s so funny?
Mike: You think your horoscope was funny, get a load of mine. (He reads it to her) A strange woman will soon enter your life.
Carol (disbelieving): Oh, where does it say that? Where?
Mike: Right here. (He shows her) How about that?
Carol: Yeah, how about that?
Mike: I can hardly wait until tomorrow. Good night, honey.
(He turns off the light and she goes to give him a kiss. However, he lays down and Carol feels rejected, The scene fades.)
(The next morning, Carol is in the kitchen putting icing on a cake. Alice comes in.)
Alice: Oh, wow, that is not just a cake, Mrs. Brady, that is a thing of beauty. A joy to behold.
Carol: Mmm, thanks Alice. Wait till you taste it tonight.
Alice: No thanks. Not at those prices.
Carol: What prices?
Alice: I’ll bet every bite cost a thousand calories, and I know just where they’ll go. (She slaps both her hips) Here and here. Alice is a member of the hip generation. And speaking of hips, get a load of Greg’s blue jeans. (She shows Carol a huge tear in Greg’s jeans) See through jeans.
Carol: Don’t tell Greg that, you’ll start a new fad in junior high. I think I’ll take the kids shopping for new clothes tomorrow.
Alice: You better make that today, Mrs. Brady. Tomorrow the boys are going on that all day fishing trip with Mr. Brady and you’re taking the girls horseback riding.
Carol: Right. Well I suppose I could take them after school today, but don’t tell my friend Martha Sheldon.
Alice: Martha Sheldon?
Carol: Well, you know how hooked she is on astrology, and she insists that I follow my forecast. And my chart said don’t buy anything today.
Alice: Isn’t that silly? A grown woman believing in that astrology nonsense?
Carol: Alice, what did your horoscope say?
Alice: Oh, mine said today it was great for social activities. (Carol looks at her funny) Mrs. Brady, that’s dirty pool. I’m gonna go round up some bottomless britches and things.
(The phone rings.)
Carol: Hello. Mike, hi, honey.
Mike: 2:00 and all is well. No strange woman has come into my life yet.
Carol (laughing): Well if they do, will you inform me immediately?
Mike: Oh, I will, I promise. the minute one walks in, you will be the first to know.
(Beebe Gallini, a cosmetics magnate, comes in the office.)
Beebe: Mr. Brady?
Carol (from the other phone): Mike?
Mike (to Beebe): Yes, that’s me. I’m Mike Brady.
Carol: What’s that dear? did you say something? Hello?
Beebe: Please, darling, finish your call.
Mike: Honey, I’ll call you back. A client just walked in.
Carol: All right dear, but…
(Mike hangs up from the other line. Beebe motions to Duane, her assistant, to come in with her cosmetics. She sticks out her hand and Mike shakes it. Although she may have expected him to kiss it.)
Beebe: Please to sit down. I’d introduce myself but everyone knows who Beebe Gallini is. Even people come up to me on the street and say “it’s Beebe”, and I always say to them, “hello, my darling”. This is Duane, my secretary. (Mike gets up to shake his hand but the suitcases in Duane’s hands make it difficult) Not necessary, please sit down. (Mike sits back down) Darling, you are going to design my new factory, and it will…
Mike: Factory?
Beebe: Please, no interrupt, it’s not nice. I just finished arrangements with the president of your company to build a beautiful new factory for the Beebe Gallini Cosmetics Company.
Mike: You want me to design your factory?
Beebe: Please wait, no interrupt. You’re just like my second husband, or was it my third?
Duane: Your fourth.
Beebe: I knew it was one of them.
Mike: Miss Gallini.
Beebe: Beebe. Everybody calls me Beebe. People who never even heard of me call me Beebe.
Mike: Beebe, I’m very flattered.
Beebe: No false modesty. I do not believe in false modesty. I am beautiful, so I say I’m beautiful. You are talented, no?
Mike: Well, um, uh, uh, yes.
Beebe: Good. That is what the people tell me. That is why you must design my new factory, and I give you complete freedom. Design, design, design. Anything you want.
Mike: Anything?
Beebe: Yes, there’s only one thing that I ask, that it should be pink.
Mike (writing down): Pink factory.
Beebe: Beebe pink. That is what I call my cosmetics, because I am pink. (She leans over to him) You see the pink?
Mike (looking up and smiling): Yes.
Beebe: Let your imagination run wild. Create whatever you wish.
Mike: But make it pink.
Beebe: Yes. (She turns to Duane) My phone number, my personal private phone number. Give it to him.
(Duane gives Mike her number.)
Mike: Oh, Thank you.
(Beebe gets up to leave.)
Beebe: I will see you soon, no?
Mike: Uh, no. Yes.
(Beebe puts her hand out and Mike gets up and kisses it this time.)
Beebe (to Duane): Hurry, darling. We cannot keep the jeweler waiting. I promised him faithfully I’d be there yesterday.
(She and Duane leave Mike’s office. That evening, Mike and Carol are washing dishes.)
Carol: Thanks for helping me tonight, dear.
Mike: No, it’s my pleasure, sweetheart.
Carol: You know, when Alice asked me if she can leave early so she can go to the movies with her boyfriend Sam, how can I refuse?
Mike: Hmm. (Pause) Well, you have a soft heart. (He kisses her) Lips to match.
Carol: My goodness, aren’t we affectionate tonight.
Mike: Not just tonight, every night. (He mimics Beebe’s Italian accent) Cause I love you, darling. Sweetheart.
Carol: I love you too, darling. What’s up?
Mike: What what’s up?
Carol: Well, since you got home you seemed (Pause) preoccupied.
Mike: Preoccupied? Oh, don’t be silly, honey. It’s just, well, preoccupation.
Carol: Preoccupation.
Mike: Yeah. I got this new client today and I have to design a new factory. And it’s sort of a special factory and it just takes a lot of thought.
Carol: What kind of special factory?
Mike: Well, the client is very eccentric and, uh…
Carol: Eccentric?
Mike: Yeah.
Carol: Would you say strange?
Mike: Yeah, you can sure say strange all right.
Carol: Could you say strange woman.
Mike: Yeah, yeah, she’s a (Pause) woman.
Carol: Aha, then a strange woman did enter your life today.
Mike: Oh, that astrology nonsense.
Carol: Yeah, that astrology nonsense. Yeah, that’s stupid and silly and foolish. And what kind of strange woman.
Mike: Oh, honey, when a client comes into my office with an offer to design a factory that’s worth a whole lot of money, it doesn’t make any difference whether it’s a man or a woman, even if it is Beebe Gallini.
Carol: Beebe Gallini? Is that the strange woman who came into your life?
Mike: She didn’t come into my life, she came into my office, that’s all.
Carol: That’s enough. They say no man can resist her.
Mike: Well, I can resist her.
Carol: Are you sure?
Mike (cheerful): I am absolutely positive.
(He bends down and gives her a big kiss.)
Carol: Oh, Mike, oh.
(A dish Carol is holding breaks. They both laugh it off. The next morning, Alice is picking a lunch for Mike and the boys to take on their fishing trip.)
Alice: I think that’s plenty of food, Mr. Brady.
Mike: Um, I don’t know, Alice. Four fishermen get mighty hungry you know.
Carol: That’s right. A couple of hours out in that water makes them awful hungry.
Alice: Makes me awful seasick.
Carol: Isn’t it funny how some people get seasick and some don’t?
Alice: I think I’m allergic to waves. Even when I take a bath, I have to be careful not to move around too much. I’ll go round the boys up.
(She goes to get the boys and the phone rings.)
Carol: I’ll get it. (She answers the phone) Hello. Yes, this is the Brady residence. Hold on one moment, please. I’ll get him. (to Mike) It’s someone who calls me darling and wants to speak to you.
Mike (getting on the phone): Hello, Miss Gallini. Beebe. This afternoon? But, yeah but, I was going to go fishing today and… Yes, I know you have a contract with my firm but… I promised my boys that I was… All right. yeah, uh, I’ll be there. Bye.
(He hangs the phone up.)
Carol: You’ll be where?
Mike (bitterly): Oh, Beebe wants to see me again. She’s got some new ideas for her factory.
Carol: But it’s Saturday, and those boys have been looking forward to that fishing trip.
Mike: Yeah, I know. Maybe Alice could go.
Carol: She can’t. She gets seasick. (Pause) Wait, I got it. I’ll take the boys fishing and Alice can take the girls riding. Okay? Problem solved.
Mike: Hey, you’re an angel, you know that? I thought you…
Carol: Yeah, I know what you thought. You thought I was going to be jealous.
Mike: Yeah, I did.
Carol: Just because she’s rich and famous and beautiful, and I must be some kind of nut.
Mike: You’re a wonderful kind of nut, you know that?
(He kisses her. Later that day, Alice and the girls come home from riding and Alice is injured. The girls had to pull her inside.)
Alice: Ooh, ahh. Oh kids.
Marcia: You should sit down and rest, Alice.
Alice: I’m not sure I can sit.
(They help her to a chair in the living room, after putting a cushion on it.)
Alice: That was one rotten horse I had.
Cindy: I like him. I ride him all the time.
Alice: Well, I’m never gonna ride him again. Not after the way he threw me. Rotten horse.
Jan: That wasn’t a horse.
Marcia: It was a pony.
Alice: Well, when it grows up it’s going to be a rotten horse.
Marcia: Ponies don’t grow up.
Cindy: They just get older.
Alice: That’s what I need then, an old pony. Next time we go riding, we’re going to a different place. There’s one right next to Riverside Avenue, right next to Maple Street.
Jan: That’s a merry-go-round.
Alice: You better believe it.
(Later on, Alice is struggling to put some things in the cupboard while the boys help Carol into the house.)
Carol: Oh, fellas, help.
Greg: You’ll be okay, Mom.
Carol: Oh, boys, you’re rocking the boat. Stop weaving.
Alice: Mrs. Brady, what happened?
Carol: Oh, I got seasick and sunburned and then I got caught in somebody else’s line and then I fell into a pile of fish.
Alice: No wonder you smell like tuna, Mrs. Brady.
Carol: I wouldn’t gloat if I were you, Alice. You smell a little like manure. (She struggles to sit down) Will somebody please stop rocking this house. (She gets up) Oh, I better go straight up to bed.
Alice: Don’t you want any dinner?
Carol: Dinner, Alice, please don’t even mention food.
(That evening, Carol is tossing and turning in bed. She checks the clock on the end table and realizes Mike is not home yet. Mike comes in the door.)
Carol: Hi, honey.
Mike: You still up, sweetheart?
(Carol turns the light on and Mike sits on the bed to talk to her.)
Mike: That’s funny.
Carol: What’s funny?
Mike: I smell fish.
Carol: Well, I can’t help it. I’ve already taken three showers. (Pause) I smell pink.
Mike: Yeah, well, you can smell pink, too. Beebe gave me some samples.
Carol: Samples of what?
Mike: Cosmetics. her apartment’s full of them.
Carol: Her apartment?
Mike: Yeah, she uses it as her office. She hates her factory and won’t work in it, so that’s why I’m designing her a new factory.
Carol: Hmm.
Mike: Hey, hey, hey, where’s that angel of a wife I left this morning?
Carol: She went fishing, and she got seasick and sunburned and caught in someone else’s hook and fell into a pile of fish.
Mike: You had a rough day on the boat, huh? (He hugs her) Honey, why don’t you use some of Beebe’s cologne. There’s a whole box of it over there.
(Carol kisses him.)
Carol (indignantly): I’d rather smell like fish.
(The scene fades out.)
The next scene has Mike walking in his office. He finds Beebe and Duane in there. Beebe at sitting at his desk, talking on the phone.)
Mike: Oh, excuse me.
Beebe (putting down the phone): Michael, darling. My sketches. I am dying to see your sketches, it is a whole week since we talked. Duane, ask Mr. Brady in.
Duane: Oh, come right in, Mr. Brady.
Mike (sitting down): For a minute there, I kinda thought I was in the wrong office.
Beebe: Oh, no, no, no, I give you what you say, co-operation. I bring you samples of materials for the draperies, samples of the paint. Everything that is Beebe.
Duane: Excuse me, Ms. Gallini.
Beebe: Yes?
Duane: You are still on the phone.
Beebe: Oh, but of course, what would I do without my Duane? (She gets back on the phone) Where was I? Oh, yes, the charity. When I appear, I want that the orchestra should play something pink. (Pause) Well, then something that sounds pink. (She hangs up) Charities, banquets, it is always something. (She goes up to Mike) Now, Michael daring, you will show me my sketches, hmm?
(Mike takes the sketches out of his briefcase.)
Mike: I finished these late at home, last night.
Beebe: Oh no, no, darling. That is a factory for anybody. I want my factory should be me, that when people see it, they say, “There’s Beebe”.
Mike: Beebe, a factory has to be functional.
Beebe: Functional, oh, that is one thing Beebe does not want to be, functional. Beebe wants to be Beebe.
Mike: Naturally, a building has to express the personality of its owner, but…
Beebe: Exactly what I’m saying. Express my personality.
Mike: Yeah, but you see, you didn’t let me finish my sentence. A factory has to be practical and efficient, there has to be a thousand…
Beebe: A powder puff. Make the factory the shape of a powder puff.
Mike: A powder puff?
Beebe: Or maybe tall, like a lipstick.
Mike (laughing): A lipstick.
Beebe: All right, Michael, make it the shape of a powder puff. With Beebe, you get complete freedom. Now, you will make me a sketch, huh? (The phone rings) Oh, no, that must be for me, darling. I’ve had my calls transferred here.
Duane (answering the phone): Yes, this is Beebe Gallini incorporated.
Beebe (to Mike): I love being incorporated.
Duane: Ms. Gallini, it’s Marie of Marie’s Cosmetics.
Beebe: Oh, (she comes to the phone) Her, I do not wish to speak to. Hang up, LOUDLY!
Duane: Of course.
(He hangs up.)
Beebe: Well, Michael daring, are you finished? (Mike looks at her aggravated as he works some more on the new sketch) No, dear. Fluffier, fluffier, it has to be fluffier.
Mike: Fluffier?
Beebe: Yes. A powder puff is fluffy. My factory has to be fluffy.
(Mike gives a frustrated look.)
Mike: A fluffy factory.
(He works on the sketch some more. That evening, Carol is in the family room reading the story of Little Red Riding Hood to Cindy.)
Carol: But Little Red Riding hood was too smart. She knew that wasn’t her…
Cindy: Grandmother.
Carol: Right. She knew it was a big wolf. A big, pink, female wolf.
Cindy: I’ve never seen a pink wolf, Mommy.
Carol: Let’s hope you never do, dear. (She looks at the clock) Oh my goodness, it’s 8:30, way past your bedtime.
Cindy: Daddy stays up late too, doesn’t he,
Carol: You’re Daddy’s working very hard these days, and nights.
(Peter and Jan come in looking for Mike.)
Peter: Mom. I can’t make my airplane fly straight. Is Dad home yet?
Carol: No dear, he’s working late.
Jan: We don’t hardly ever get to see him anymore.
Carol: Well, I explained it to you before, dear. your father has a very complicated job. Designing a factory where they make perfume, powder and lipstick.
Peter: Ah, who needs all that junk, anyway?
Jan: Us women, that’s who.
Carol: Why don’t you two just run along and finish your homework, okay?
(They leave and Bobby comes in.)
Bobby: Hi Mom, is Dad here?
Carol: No, he’s not here yet. Go on upstairs, I’ll be up in a minute to help you.
(He walks out and Greg and Marcia come in.)
Greg: Mom, Marcia and I are looking for Dad.
Carol (angry): He’s not here! (She gets up, takes Cindy the hand and starts to walk out) Now, come on, everybody to your rooms. It’s time for bed.
Greg (angry): Bed?
Carol: Bed!
Marcia: At 8:30?
Carol: Well, you’ve been staying up too late.
(Greg and Marcia look at each other with disbelief. Carol is in bed reading a magazine later that evening when Mike comes in, exhausted and frustrated.)
Mike: Another wasted evening with that cosmetic hokey queen.(He starts loosening his tie and sits down on the bed) Changes, changes, more changes. More interruptions. I tell you, if that factory didn’t mean so much to my company…
Carol: Is it worth it Mike?
Mike: Well, honey, it might be rough on me if I lose the contract.
Carol: But what good is it? What good is the money if you have to work all the time?
Mike: She’s got to make a decision soon.
Carol: Yes, but what if she doesn’t make a decision soon? You can’t keep working day and night.
Mike: That’s my job. what about the kids education? What about providing for the future?
Carol: What about us today? Tomorrow is Saturday and…
Mike: No honey, listen, Beebe has to go to some charity meeting and I’ll make it up to the kids and to you. I’ll do everything, I promise you.
Carol: In one day?
Mike: Have I been away that much?
Carol: Very much that much.
(The next night, Mike is in the kitchen helping Peter with his airplane.)
Mike: The wing was way too far back, Pete. That’s why it didn’t fly straight.
Peter: Thanks, Dad. I’ll bet it will really go great now.
(The doorbell rings.)
Carol: Is that the door?
Mike (getting up): I’ll get it.
Carol: I’ll get it, honey. (Mike races her to the door) Oh, now, Mike.
(He kisses her when he opens the door. He’s surprised it is Beebe.)
Mike: Hello, Beebe.
Mike: Hello Michael, darling. (She puts her hand out for Michael to kiss it, then she notices Carol) This must be the little woman.
Mike: Oh, I forgot. You haven’t met. (Pause) Carol, this is Beebe Gallini. Beebe, this is my wife, Carol.
Carol: I’m very happy to know you.
Beebe: Of course. (She walks in before she’s asked) Oh, what a charming little cottage. (She comes in the living room) Is this your guest house?
Mike: Oh, yes, this is our nine room guest house. Beebe, listen, I thought you were going to that charity affair today.
Beebe: I’m on my way, darling. but as I was driving, a, a vision came to me.
Mike: You changed your mind about the powder puff?
Beebe: You guessed it. (to Carol) you have such a talented husband, darling.
(She pulls back her scarf into Carol’s face.)
Mike: Beebe, I’ve been working all week on that powder puff design.
Beebe: This is much better. A compact.
Mike: A compact?
Beebe: The top floor opens up. There has never been another factory like it.
Mike: Yeah, that’s for sure. Beebe, that’s impossible!
Carol: I think that’s a marvelous idea. A topless factory with a stationary bottom.
Beebe: A factory like that will make you famous. Everyone will talk about you.
Mike: Oh, they’ll talk about me, all right. Look, Beebe, the whole project is impossible from an engineering standpoint. The leverage, the stress.
Carol: I’d sure hate to be standing next to the water cooler when the top went up.
Mike (tapping Carol for silence): You can’t hinge a roof, you can understand that.
Beebe: Details, details, details. Beebe Gallini is not interested in details. Now darling, you will start work on the new design at once.
(Peter flies his airplane into the living room and it hits Beebe on the head from behind.)
Beebe: Ooh, my head, my hair!
Peter: My airplane!
Carol: We’re sorry about this, Miss Gallini.
Peter: Good, it’s not broken.
Mike: Peter, will you apologize to Miss Gallini?
Peter: For what?
Beebe: Oh, apologies I do not need. Three hours it takes to fix my hair for the charity ball.
(Bobby and Cindy come down the stairs with water pistols.)
Cindy: Bang, bang, you’re all wet.
Bobby: I’ll get you wetter.
(He squirts at Cindy but accidentally hits Beebe, while Carol and Mike try stopping him.)
Bobby: Sorry, lady, I was aiming at her.
Beebe: Michael, are these creatures yours?
Mike: Bobby, Cindy, out.
(Cindy notices Beebe crying and her mascara dripping.)
Cindy: Bobby, the lady cries black tears.
Carol: Oh kids, out. (to Beebe) I’m terribly sorry, Miss Gallini.
Beebe: Sorry does not help!
Carol: They didn’t mean any harm.
Beebe: Neither did Frankenstein.
Mike: Beebe, I apologize. the whole thing is…
Beebe: Sorry, Michael, but I’m afraid I have to get another architect. Good-bye. (She turns to Carol) And good-bye to you, little woman.
(Carol is stepping on Beebe’s long scarf. She angrily grabs it and storms out. Mike and Carol motion relief from her smell of pink.)
Mike: Well, there goes Beebe Gallini in a cloud of feathers.
Carol: Oh, Mike. What about your company? Haven’t you lost the contract for them?
(Mike sits in the chair and she sits on his lap while he holds her.)
Mike: Oh, honey, that’s the wrong way to look at it. I haven’t lost them a contract, I saved them a nervous breakdown.
(He and Carol laugh as the scene fades out.)
(The final scene has Mike and Carol in bed together reading the paper.)
Mike: Honey. Listen to my horoscope for tomorrow. You will meet a tall sexy brunette who will fall madly in love with you. How about that?
Carol: Oh, who believes in that nonsense anyway?
Mike: Yeah, you’re right. Good night, honey.
Carol: Good night, dear.
(Carol expects a kiss form Mike but he turns off the light and goes to sleep. She takes the paper and reads his horoscope.)
Carol: Tall, sexy brunette? It says this is a good time to adopt a pet. (Mike laughs) oh, Mike, that’s terrible. (Mike rises a little and starts grabbing her) Stop it! stop it!
(He hugs and kisses her.)
THE END
Brady Bunch Scriptman 