Written by David B. Harmon
Greg has a crush on a girl named Linda. However, she’s not the Linda to whom Mike and Carol think it is. Hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
LINDA, Marcia’s new friend
MISS LINDA O’HARA, Greg’s math teacher
WES PARKER, First baseman Dogger and Miss O’Hara’s boyfriend/fiancée
(The episode begins in the boys’ room, where Greg is laying on his bed meditating. Carol walks by but then returns, and looks in on him.)
Carol: Greg? Greg, do you feel all right?
Greg: Oh, hi, Mom.
Carol: Are you okay?
Carol: Well then, how come you didn’t go to the movies with the boys?
Greg: I, I just didn’t feel like it.
Carol: You wait right there.
(She goes into the bathroom to get the thermometer)
Greg (afraid): I feel fine, honest. I was just (Pause) thinking.
Carol: Open up. (Greg opens his mouth and she pus the thermometer under his tongue) Do you hurt anyplace?
Greg: I told you…
Carol: Shh. Don’t talk with the thermometer in your mouth.
(Alice comes in with some shirts)
Alice: What’s wrong with him?
Carol: He says nothing.
Greg: I feel fine, Mom.
Alice: How come he didn’t go to the movies?
Carol: He says he didn’t feel like it.
Alice: Oh, say, Greg, did you want your mother and me to wash and iron everything in the laundry chute?
(Carol removes the thermometer form his mouth)
Greg: Uh, huh.
Carol: He’s normal.
Alice: Well, if he’s normal, how come he wants us to wash and iron his transistor radio?
(She hands it to him and the scene fades out.)
(In the next scene, Mike is in his den when Greg comes in with a test paper. He knocks on the door)
Mike: Come in.
Greg: Are you busy Dad?
Mike: To be honest, I’ve been looking for an excuse to take some time off.
Greg: This won’t take long.
Mike: That’s too bad. What’s the problem.
Greg: Well, no problem, really. Just something you have to sign for school.
Mike: Oh, well, let’s have it.
(Mike goes to sign Greg’s test but Greg has his hand over it)
Mike (sighing): I don’t like to be nosy but is it okay to see what I’m signing?
(Mike takes the paper and notices Greg got an F (48%) on his math test)
Mike: Don’t you think we oughtta discuss this a little bit?
Greg: I flunked the test.
Mike: Oh, you did. Well, I figured that out when I saw the F.
Greg: If you flunk a test, you have a have a parent sign it and bring it back to school.
Mike: Greg, the discussion is not main, rank and serial number.
Greg: No, sir.
(Mike gets up and paces a little before he lectures Greg)
Mike: You always been an A student in Math, how come that F?
Greg: I got the answers wrong.
Mike: I figured that out too. (He points his finger) You better buckle down, young man.
Greg: Yes, sir.
Mike (going to sit down): You having trouble in any other subjects?
Greg: No, sir.
Mike (taking another breath): Okay, I’m not gonna make a big deal out of this one test but, Greg hit the books. Your grades will come up.
(Mike signs his name and hands Greg the test.)
Greg: Thanks, Dad.
Mike: Good-bye Greg.
(He slaps Greg’s behind as Greg walks out of the den)
(Next, Marcia is in her room knitting her skirt and Greg goes in to talk to her)
Greg: Hi, Marcia.
Greg: Are you busy?
Marcia: I got my heel caught and ripped this darn hem.
Greg: Where’s Jan and Cindy?
Marcia: Down with Mom.
(Greg comes in and closes the door. He sits down)
Greg: Marcia, you’re a girl, right?
Marcia: Do you feel all right?
Greg: Boy, if one more person takes my temperature.
Marcia: Mom, huh. (Greg nods) Well, whatever you got, don’t give it to me.
Greg (defensive): I haven’t got anything, honest.
Marcia: Do you mind if I keep hemming? I wanna wear it to school tomorrow.
Greg (getting up): Marcia, you know how girls feel about things, right?
Marcia: What things?
Greg: Like, uh, older men.
Marcia: What about older men?
Greg: What do they look for?
Marcia: Lots of things.
Greg (looking in the mirror): Like what?
Marcia: Well, like, men should be rugged like Steve McQueen. The way he stands like he’s always ready for something. (Greg tries to make himself look rugged) And try to dress groovy like Gene Barry. (Greg tucks his shirt in) It’s great if he’s romantic like Paul Newman. (Greg tries to mimic Newman) But he should be sort of innocent, like Dustin Hoffman. (Greg mimics him to look innocent) But at the same time, he should be a man of the world, like Dean Martin. (Greg tries to make himself look more sophisticated).
Greg: All at the same time.
Marcia: Sure, but there’s one thing that’s more important than anything else nowadays.
Greg: What’s that?
Marcia: What’s in. What’s really in a mustache.
(Marcia starts to gleam about men with facial hair while Greg checks his lip)
(Later that night, Greg and Peter are in the bathroom with Peter checking if Greg has any sign of a mustache)
Greg: Are you sure?
Peter: Not a hair.
Greg: Get closer.
Peter: If I get any closer, we’ll both be wearing the same pajamas.
Greg: Come over here, the light is better. (They move over) Now look.
Peter: Still nothing.
Greg (touching his lip): Well, how come I can feel it.
Peter (feeling his lip): All I can feel is skin.
(Greg looks in the mirror)
Greg: Well, I guess you’re… Hey, what’s that? (He points to hi slip)
Peter: It’s part of a chocolate bar.
Greg: Yeah, that’s what it is.
Peter: Besides, nobody on the freshmen baseball team can wear long hair and a mustache, and you wanna try out for the team.
Greg: I forgot about that.
(Bobby comes in the bathroom)
Bobby: What are you guys doing?
Greg: We’re looking for something.
Bobby: For what?
Peter: A mustache.
Bobby: Well, don’t look at me, I didn’t take it.
(In the next scene, Carol comes down the stairs while Mike is in the living room, reading the paper)
Mike: Did you take Greg’s temperature again?
Carol: Yeah, he’s normal.
Mike: Honey, the answer is obvious. He flunked that math test and he’s upset.
Carol (sighing): I hope you’re right. But there’s a lot of that Asian flu going around.
Mike: Mmm hmm. And a lot of jungle fever too but not in the neighborhood.
Carol: Are you trying to tell me that I’m being an overprotective mother.
Mike (laughing): Madam, you are president of the club.
(Carol laughs and he kisses her. Alice comes out with a love letter she found)
Alice: Are you two busy?
Mike: No, just reading the paper.
Carol: Anything wrong, Alice?
Alice: No, no. But I’d like you to listen to something.
Mike: Go ahead.
Alice (reading): Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day. How art more lovely and more temperate. Oh, my love is like a red, red rose that’s merely sprung in June. Oh, my love is like a melody that’s sweetly played in tune. There’s more.
Mike: No offense, Alice, but your boyfriend, Sam the butcher is stealing from William Shakespeare and Robert Burns to boot.
Carol: Oh, Mike. Don’t pay any attention to him, Alice. (to Mike) Listen, Sam’s a very romantic fellow.
Alice: Mrs. Brady, Sam’s idea of romance is two pounds of liver. Hard shaped.
Mike: That would make a nice Valentine’s gift.
Alice: Well, I wouldn’t have read this at all but it fell out of Greg’s book and when I picked it up…
Mike: What’s that got to do with Greg?
Alice: Well, it starts my true love Linda and it ends yours eternally, Greg.
Mike: That’s why he’s flunking math, puppy love.
Carol: And I’ve been taking his temperature.
(That evening, Mike and Carol are in their room discussing Greg’s newfound crush and how to handle it)
Carol: Mike, a boy’s first romance can be very very traumatic.
Mike: Honey, I know it can. I got over mine. I’m sure he’ll get over his.
Carol: Yeah, but did you flunk math?
Mike: Nah, she was in my history class. She had blond hair, blue eyes and she wore braces. (He thinks back) She always had a head cold.
Carol: I can’t say much for your taste I women.
Mike: It improved as I grew older.
Carol: Mike, Greg’s miserable. We gotta find a way to help him.
Mike: Honey, men raising girls. Boys shrug these things off more easily.
(He turns the light off)
Mike: Go to sleep.
Carol; I’ll try.
(She turns the light off and gets under the covers)
Mike (with his eyes closed): Besides, it would be stupid for both of us to be up all night.
Carol: Good night, dear.
(She kisses him and goes to sleep)
Mike: Good night, honey.
(The next day, Carol goes into the kitchen with Greg’s yearbook. Alice is baking a cake)
Carol (looking at the yearbook): Incredible.
Alice: Oh, it’s not that great. (She takes a taste of the cake) On second thought it is incredible.
Carol: I’m talking about Greg’s school annual.
Alice: What’s so fantastic?
Carol: There’s not a Linda in it.
Alice: Impossible. Every school has a Linda.
Carol (reading all the girls’ names): Stephanie, Joy, Nicole, Lisa, Tiffany, Gigi, Robin, Darlene.
Alice: No Mary? (Carol shakes her head no) Talk about a generation gap.
(Next, Bobby is home from school while Carol is stirring the icing to put on the cake. Bobby goes to the cookie jar)
Carol: Hi Mom, here’s a kiss for you.
Bobby: Hi Mom, here’s a kiss for you. (Bobby kisses her) What are you making, fudge or cake?
Bobby: Can I lick the bowl?
Carol: Sure. (He takes a taste of it) Where’s Greg? Wasn’t he supposed to walk you home after school?
Bobby: Uh, huh. But he had to stay after school because of his math.
Carol: Math, what is it about math this year?
(We cut to Greg’s classroom, where he is sitting at his desk, staring at his attractive teacher, Miss O’Hara.)
Ms. O’Hara: Let me see how you’re doing.
(She walks over to him and checks over his assignment. he is still staring at her)
Ms. O’Hara (pointing at his paper): Here, Greg, right here. That should be base 10.
Greg: Base 10.
Ms. O’Hara: You made the same mistake here.
Greg: I did? (coming down to Earth) Oh, I did.
Ms. O’Hara: Tell me Greg, what’s giving you the most trouble?
Ms. O’Hara: I mean in math.
Greg: It’s hard to say.
Ms. O’Hara: If you have no more questions, you can go.
Greg: Yes ma’am. (He gets up to leave, then changes his mind) Maybe we should go over it one more time.
Ms. O’Hara: Do you think it’ll help?
Greg: Yes ma’am. I really think so.
(He sits back down and Miss O’Hara leans over to help him)
Ms. O’Hara: All right, now, using Base 10, you divide this number into this one, getting this answer.
(The scene fades and the next scene has Carol, Mike and Alice sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee, while pondering over how they should help Greg.)
Mike: Three adults ought to solve this in no time.
Alice: Then how come we’ve been sitting here for an hour?
Carol: Well we know that Greg’s problem is he is in love with a girl named Linda.
Mike: Question is, what’s the best way to handle it?
Alice: How about (Pause) Some more coffee.
Mike: Alice, that’s no suggestion, that’s an evasion.
Alice: Yeah, that’s what it is, all right.
Mike: Well listen, I think the best approach is positive action, man to man talk.
Alice: I think you’re right, Mr. Brady.
Carol: Be subtle, dear.
(He gets up to go upstairs)
Carol: Be tactful, dear.
Mike: Yes, naturally.
Carol: Be back dear. (Mike laughs) We’ll be waiting.
(Cut over to Greg’s room where Mike is to have their talk. Greg is laying on his bed. Mike picks up something and puts it on Peter’s bed.)
Mike: Hi, Greg.
Greg: Hi, dad.
Mike: Are your brothers around, huh?
Greg: No, they’re watching tv.
Mike: Are you busy?
Greg: No sir.
(Mike sits down on Greg’s bed)
Mike: Greg, the reason I came up here is (Pause) Well, what I mean is (Pause) You feeling okay, do you?
Greg: Thermometer’s on the sink.
Mike: No, no, no, I’m not gonna take your temperature.
Greg: Well, that’s a relief.
Mike (getting up): Let’s face it. You have a problem, right?
Greg (nodding): In math, I’m working on it. You always taught us to be self-reliant and to try and solve our problems on our own.
Mike: Well, some problems, but, now look, there are some problems that can best be solved by talking it over with someone.
Greg: Like what?
Mike: Well, like girls for instance.
Greg: Now that you brought it up.
Mike: Yeah, yeah.
Greg: How can I get Jan to stop hogging the phone and Marcia to stop hogging the bathroom?
Mike: Those aren’t girls, those are your sisters.
Greg: Well, they sure act like girls.
Mike: Well, uh, I’m referring to, uh, uh, other girls. Girls.
Greg: What other girls?
Mike: Well, other girls. You’re a teenager now, you know.
Greg: Yes, sir.
Mike: And there are certain things that a teenager should know about.
Greg: We already had that talk, remember.
Mike: What talk?
Greg: That talk.
Mike: Oh, oh, that talk. (Greg gets up and starts to leave) Where are you going?
Greg: To get Peter. I think you oughtta tell him.
Mike: No, I think he already knows.
Mike: Let’s not rush things.
(Greg closes the door and returns)
Greg: Was there anything else?
Mike: No, I guess not.
(He goes to leave)
Greg: Good night.
(Mike goes back downstairs with Carol and Alice)
Carol: Strike out?
Mike: I’m not even sure I got to bat.
Alice (to Carol): If man to man didn’t work, why don’t you try woman to man.
Carol: Every time I go near him, he opens his mouth to have his temperature taken.
Mike: Oh, he just doesn’t want to talk about it.
Carol: I wish we knew more about this Linda. I mean, if she likes Greg, and she knows that Greg likes her, maybe we can help. I wonder if he confided in any of the other kids about Linda.
Mike: Say, maybe he has.
(Alice seems to get an idea)
Carol: No, that would be asking hem to break a confidence.
Mike: Yeah, and to worm it out of them would be too sneaky.
Carol: Much too sneaky.
(Alice goes into Cindy’s room, where she is giving her doll a bottle)
Alice: Hi Cindy, what you doing?
Cindy: Feeding Kitty-Karry All.
Alice: Oh, Kitty-Karry All. You ever thought about changing her name?
Alice: Movie stars do it al the time.
Cindy: Maybe they haven’t got a pretty name like Kitty-Karry All.
Alice: Frankly to me she looks like a Linda.
Cindy: Well to me, she looks like a Kitty-Karry All.
(Alice looks around and finds some other stuffed animals in the room. She picks out a stuffed elephant)
Alice: Have you got a name for this one?
Alice (picking out a stuffed tiger): Now, this one looks like a Linda.
Cindy (laughing): It’s a boy.
Alice: Aren’t any of these named Linda?
Alice: How about girls, do you know any girls named Linda?
Cindy: Nope. Why?
Alice: Well, it’s such a pretty name. It ought to belong to a pretty girl.
Cindy: Time for your nap, Kitty, give Linda a kiss good night.
Alice: Thanks a lot, but a compliment wasn’t exactly what I was fishing for.
(Alice goes out in the backyard and sees Peter putting a race car together)
Alice: Oh, say, that car is really beautiful. What are you going to name her?
Peter: What do you mean?
Alice: Racing drivers always name their cars after a girl.
Peter: They do.
Peter: I’ll think of one.
Alice: Maybe I can help you.
Peter: Nah, you’ll want me to call it Cindy, Jan or Marcia.
Alice: No, I wouldn’t.
Peter: Yes you would.
Alice: I think a good name would be Linda.
Peter: That be dumb.
Peter: Because I don’t know anybody named Linda?
Alice: You’re sure.
Alice: Well in that case, how about Jan, Cindy or Marcia.
Peter: I knew it! Boy, I just knew it!
(Next, Alice is on the swings with Jan)
Jan: What did you say?
Alice: I said what do you think about the name Linda?
Alice: Oh, because.
Jan: Because why?
Alice: Jan, will you stop answering my questions with your questions?
Alice: Now, what do you think about Linda for a girl’s name?
Jan: Mom’s gonna have a baby.
(Jan gets excited and runs off to announce Carol’s pregnancy, while Alice yells to her to come back so she can straighten out the matter.)
(Alice goes inside and sees Carol in the kitchen)
Alice: You’re right, being sneaky never pays.
Carol: I know. I just spent five minutes trying to convince Jan that I’m not having a baby.
Marcia (calling): Mom, we’re home.
Carol: I wonder who “we’re” is. (She comes out to the living room and sees Marcia with some friends) Hi.
Marcia: Hi. We got a school project we’re working on.
Carol: Oh, fine.
Marcia: You know Randi and Hope.
Marcia: And this is Linda.
(Carol gets a surprised look on her face)
Linda: Hi, Mrs. Brady.
Carol (overly pleasant): Hi, Linda.
Marcia: She hasn’t lived here very long.
Carol: You just moved here?
Linda: A few months ago, from Seattle.
Carol: Oh, I have a lot of friends in Seattle. Marcia, why don’t you take the girls on upstairs and me and Linda can have a chat and get better acquainted.
(Marcia and her two other friends go upstairs while Carol and Linda sit down to talk)
Carol: Well, do you like it here?
Linda: Okay, I guess. You know, leaving all my old friends. that’s kinda hard.
Carol: Well, I’m sure you made a lot of new friends here.
Linda: Yeah, I guess so.
Carol: Pretty girl like you, you must have a lot of boyfriends.
Linda: Here, or in Seattle?
Linda: Well, there’s one boy I like. The only problem is, he doesn’t know I like him.
Carol: Oh, I’m sure he does. Positive.
Linda: Well, he’s kind of shy, so I can’t tell him how I feel.
Carol: Oh, well, I think you should, right away.
Linda: You really think I should.
Carol: Definitely. it would be the best thing in the world for all of us. I mean, for both of you.
(Greg comes home)
Greg: Hi, Mom. I’m home.
Carol: Oh, Greg. Guess who’s here.
Greg: Hi, nice to meet you.
Linda: Hi, I’m a friend of Marcia’s.
Greg: Oh. (to Carol) When’s dinner?
Greg: When’s dinner?
Carol: The usual time.
Greg: See ya.
Marcia (calling from upstairs): Hey Mom, send up Linda!
Carol: Sure. (to Linda): Dear, it’s right upstairs, end of the hall.
Linda: Nice I met you.
Carol (looking disappointed): Bye.
(Mike comes home and finds a letter on the table by the door)
Mike (to Carol): Oh, hi.
Carol: Mike, you’ll never guess what happened. I got the wrong Linda.
Mike (reading the letter): You’ll never guess what happened. I got the right Linda.
Carol: What do you mean?
Mike: This letter is from Greg’s math teacher. She wants to see me tomorrow at 4.
Carol: What’s that got to do with Linda?
Mike: Look at the signature.
Carol: The signature.
Mike: It’s from Miss O’Hara, Miss Linda O’Hara.
Carol: Oh, no.
(The next day, Miss O’Hara is in the classroom, writing on the blackboard. Mike knocks on the door.)
Ms. O’Hara: Come in. (Mike walks in) Mr. Brady?
Mike: Yeah, that’s right.
Ms. O’Hara: I’m Linda O’Hara.
Mike (shaking her hand): How do you do? Well, I halfway expected to see Greg chained to one of your desks here.
Ms. O’Hara: I sent him on an errand to the principal’s office, so we can be alone a few minutes.
Mike: Good. I appreciate that.
Ms. O’Hara: Won’t you sit down.
Mike: Uh, yeah.
(He sits and she sits in her seat)
Ms. O’Hara: I’ve been going over Greg’s records. He’s always been a straight A student in math.
Mike: Well until lately, he has.
Ms. O’Hara: Please don’t think I’m prying, but, is there a problem at home?
Mike: No, that’s not where the problem is.
Ms. O’Hara: Something’s wrong. I’m just not getting through to him.
Mike: Oh, you’re getting through to him, all right.
Ms. O’Hara: A big problem a teacher faces is getting a student involved.
Mike: Ms. O’Hara, Believe me when I tell you, he is involved.
Ms. O’Hara: Maybe it’s a personality clash. Sometimes a teacher and a student just don’t hit it off.
Mike: No, you hit it off. Honest, that’s not where the problem is.
Ms. O’Hara: My boyfriend works a lot with boys, teaching them baseball. Maybe I should discuss it with him.
Mike: Baseball? Is that your fiancée parked in the car outside the school?
Ms. O’Hara: Yes, he’s waiting for me.
Mike: Miss O’Hara, I got an idea. I’ll be right back. Don’t go away.
(Mike leaves and Greg returns)
Greg: Miss O’Hara, was that my Dad I just saw running down the hall?
Ms. O’Hara: He’ll be right back.
Greg: Was he mad or anything?
Ms. O’Hara: No, he was very understanding.
Greg: Lots of parents ask dumb questions.
Ms. O’Hara: Relax, yours didn’t.
(Mike returns with Wes Parker)
Mike: Hi, Greg.
Greg: Hi, Dad.
Wes Parker (to Miss O’Hara): Honey, Mr. Brady asked me to come in.
Mike: Greg, this is Miss O’Hara’s fiancée, Wes Parker.
(Greg can’t stop staring at the Dogger)
Wes Parker: Hi, Greg.
(He and Greg shake hands)
Greg: Wow, a real live Dogger.
Mike: First baseman in person. Golden glove too.
Ms. O’Hara (to Greg): Would you like an autograph?
(Greg is too overcome with ecstasy to answer)
Wes Parker: Do you spell that with one G or two.
(Greg is still too star struck to answer)
(Wes signs the autograph and gives it to Greg)
Wes Parker: Now, I’ll make a deal with you. If you get an A in Math, you can trade that in for two tickets to the season’s opener.
Greg (excited): Two tickets to the opener?
Wes Parker: Right.
Greg: I’ll get an A, yes sir.
Wes Parker: At a boy.
Mike: Come on, let’s go son.
Greg: Right, Dad. (He shakes his hand) Bye, Mr. Parker.
Wes Parker: Call me Wes.
Greg: Bye, Wes.
Mike: Bye. (He and Greg leave but Mike stops) I’ll be right with you. (He goes up to Ms. O’Hara one last time) Miss O’Hara, I’d like to pay you a compliment. You know, if I had a teacher who looked like you, I’d gotten an F too.
(They all laugh. Mike shakes hands with Wes and leaves. The scene fades out.)
(The final scene has Greg in his room, laying on his bed and thinking)
Carol (calling): Greg, dinner’s ready. Greg. (He comes in his room) Greg, are you all right?
Greg: I feel fine.
Carol: Let me feel your forehead.
Greg: I got this substitute teacher in biology. She’s got red hair and blue eyes. Wow.
Carol: Mike. Mike. (She runs out) Mike!