Written by Bruce Howard
Greg and Marcia babysit the younger kids for the first time, due to Mike and Carol having a night out and Alice going to see her boyfriend Sam. Hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
CAPTAIN AT RESTAURANT
POLICE OFFICER AT HOUSE
(The episode begins with Alice hanging up curtains on the rim between the kitchen and the family room. Carol comes in.)
Alice: How do these strike you, Mrs. Brady?
Carol: Well, they’re lovely, Alice, but I don’t think curtains look right there.
Alice: No, no, I’m helping the boyfriend decorate his apartment tonight. Think Sam will like these in his kitchen?
Carol: Aren’t these a little frilly, Alice? Looks like they go better in a woman’s apartment than a man’s apartment.
Alice: That’s the whole idea, to turn that man’s apartment into this woman’s apartment.
(Mike honks his horn to declare he’s home.)
Alice: Oh, look who’s home early on a Friday.
Carol: Oh, what a way to start the weekend. (She comes outside to greet him) Hi, honey. Gee, what a great surprise. I hope nothing is wrong.
Mike: Wrong? Wait till yo hear, you’re gonna flip.
Carol: Well, how about a kiss first. You know, that flips me too. (He kisses her weakly) Hey, you only hit one lip.
Mike (taking out an envelope): Guess what I have here.
Mike: Oh, don’t bother, you’ll never guess.
Carol: Was I close?
Mike: Two tickets, fifth row center, for tonight to see (He points to the name of the performer).
Carol: Oh, Mike, I can’t believe it! For tonight! But that show has been sold out for weeks. Oh, Mike, I’m so excited! How did you ever do it? But we can’t go.
Mike: Can’t go? Carol, after all I went through to get these things?
Carol: Well, I’m sorry, Mike, but Alice is helping Sam decorate his new apartment tonight.
Mike: Yeah, Well, she can do that another night. What’s the big deal?
Carol: Well, you know Alice likes Sam very much.
Mike: I like Sam very much.
Carol: Mike, you don’t want to marry Sam.
Mike: No, you got me there. So maybe we can work out something else.
(They walk into the house. Greg and Marcia are in the kitchen, enjoying a snack.)
Mike: Hi, kids.
Marcia: Hi, Dad.
Greg: Hi, Dad.
Mike (to Carol): Honey, you want to see this show as much as I do, don’t you?
Carol: Of course. Honey, it’s something we never think of because Alice is always here, but why don’t we call a babysitter.
Mike: Yeah, why not indeed. Let’s make an evening out of it. Dinner first, then the show afterwards.
Carol: Look, I’ll call Jennifer down the street, she does babysitting.
(They go to make a phone call.)
Marcia: A babysitter?
Greg: For us?
(The scene fades out.)
Next, Marcia and Greg are upstairs in the boys room complaining about how they’re too old to be babysat.)
Marcia: Boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Greg: You can say that again, treating us like we’re infants. A babysitter.
Marcia: I for one would feel absolutely humiliated to be sat for.
Greg: So would I. I think we ought to take a firm stand with Mom and Dad.
Marcia: Right, no babysitter for us.
Greg: I’ll do all the talking, but you keep nodding your head a lot.
Marcia: Okay, but we gotta look like we mean it.
Greg: Don’t worry, I will. I’ll look them straight in the eye and tell them we do mean it.
Marcia: And I promise to back you up.
(Meanwhile, Alice is downstairs on the phone with her friend Maude.)
Alice: Oh well, then you wouldn’t be able to sit for us. (He puts the phone down to talk to Carol) It’s Maude’s bowling night. (Carol gives a disappointed look and Alice gets back on the phone) Well, thanks anyway, Maude. I hope you break a hundred, bye. (She hangs up.)
Carol: Well, I don’t know what we’re going to do, Alice. I’ve called everybody I can think of.
Alice: Me too.
Mike (coming in): How we doing?
Carol: We’re not.
Mike: What about Jennifer down the street? That sounded so simple.
Carol: She moved, and you know my folks are out of town.
Alice: Everyone else we can think of are busy.
(They all pause for a moment.)
Alice: Hey, I just thought of somebody. Me! I can help Sam decorate his apartment any old night. You’ve got tickets to a show. I don’t need a ticket to see Sam.
Mike: Hey, great.
Carol: But we wouldn’t hear of it.
Mike: No, we wouldn’t hear of it, Alice.
Alice: Oh, I don’t mind, really.
Carol: Alice, don’t give it another thought. Mike, um, (She and Mike go a few feet to talk in private) Listen, this evening out with Sam really means a lot to Alice.
Mike: Okay, okay, I got the point. I got your elbow too. Listen, why don’t we call one of those professional babysitting agencies? They’re reliable.
Carol: You know something, you are brilliant. You know, for that, you’re going to get both lips.
(She gives him a kiss and a hug. Greg and Marcia walk in.)
Greg: Mom, Dad. (He realizes he interrupted them) I’m sorry.
Mike: It’s all right, Greg. (to Carol) Just remind me where we were, would you?
Carol: Of course (to Greg and Marcia) What is it, kids?
Greg: Marcia and I would like to talk to you for a minute.
Carol: Sure, go ahead.
(They hesitate to speak.)
Mike: Well, what is it, Greg?
Greg: We’re bugged about something, Dad.
Marcia: Real bugged.
Carol: About what?
Greg: Marcia and I think we’re too old to have a babysitter and we’re very firm about that.
Marcia: Very firm about that.
(Mike and Carol look at each other.)
Mike: Too old, huh?
Greg: Yes sir, too old. I’m 14.
Marcia: I’m 13.
Greg: Kids our age are babysitters.
Mike (to Carol): They have a very good point.
Carol (laughing): Yeah. Somehow when they’re your own, they seem younger.
Greg: Then can we sit for ourselves tonight?
Mike: Well, it’s all right with me if it’s all right with your mother.
Carol: Well, why not?
Marcia: Thanks, Mom.
Mike: Okay, your tour of duty will start at approximately 6:00, at which time I’m going to take your mother to a very fancy restaurant.
Greg: 6:00, check. Come on, Marcia. (She whispers in his ear) Dad.
Mike: Now what?
Greg: Babysitters get 75 cents an hour.
(Greg and Marcia walk away.)
Carol: They sure are growing up.
(The next scene has Carol talking to the other kids about how they should listen to Greg and Marcia while they’re sitting for them.)
Carol: Now I’m trusting all of you to be on your extra best behavior tonight with Greg and Marcia.
Jan: Gee Mom, you mean you’re leaving us all alone?
Greg: What a dodo. She just got through telling you we’re going to be here with you. It’s not being alone.
Peter: You want a bet? Mom, does this mean we have to follow their orders, especially his?
Carol: Your father and I have left instructions with Greg and Marcia. They’ll be acting for us. Does that answer your question?
Peter: Yeah, we have to follow orders.
Carol (pointing to her head): Good thinking.
Bobby: Which one is the head babysitter, Greg or Marcia?
Marcia: Neither one, we’re both the same, right Mom?
Bobby: You mean I have to ask both of them to help me take a bath? No chance, man, I’ll skip my bath.
Carol: No chance, man, Greg will help you.
Bobby: I’d still rather skip it.
(Cindy starts to sniffle.)
Carol: Cindy, are you coming down with the sniffles?
Cindy: If I am, I don’t want Greg or Marcia blowing my nose. I can do it myself.
Carol: Okay, Greg and Marcia, you heard that. No nose blowing for Cindy. Well, that does it, I better go get dressed. (Cindy sniffles again) Cindy, are you sure you’re feeling all right?
Carol: Well, just to be sure, I think we better take your temperature.
Marcia: I’ll help, Mom.
Peter: Come on, Jan, let’s watch TV.
(Carol, Cindy and Marcia go upstairs while Peter and Jan go in the family room. Mike comes down the stairs.)
Mike: Everything under control?
Cindy: I have the sniffles, but I can blow my own nose.
Carol: Oh, she’s fine, Mike.
(They go up the stairs while Mike comes in the living room with Greg and Bobby and goes over some last minute rules with Greg.)
Mike: Greg, I want to make sure now that you remember everything.
Greg: Would you stop worrying? You said you trusted us.
Mike: Right, right. I do.
(He looks over to Bobby, who just shrugs. Mike turns around, then back around again.)
Mike (to Greg): You smell something, smoke’s coming out of the television set, what do you do?
Greg: Get everybody out of the house and call the fire department.
(He points to him as if he got the right answer. He looks over to Bobby, who just smiles. Mike instantly comes up with a new question.)
Mike: Hot water pipe bursts! What do you do?
Bobby: I don’t take a bath!
Mike: Not you, him.
Greg: I turn off the main valve and call the plumber.
Mike (pointing his finger and nodding): Yeah. Right, get your face washed, know it all.
(Greg gets up and leaves.)
Bobby: Dad, why do babysitters have to know so much?
Mike: Well, because they’re here to protect you while Mom and Dad are out of the house.
(He playfully hits Bobby on the leg.)
Bobby: Protect us from what?
Mike: Oh, Bobby, all kinds of things. Accidents, strangers at the door.
Bobby: I don’t know any strangers.
Mike: Bobby, come with me. (He takes Bobby by the hand and head to the front door) Now, I’m going to go outside and knock on the door.
(He opens to door to go outside.)
Bobby: Did you lose your key?
Mike: Huh? No, I didn’t lose my key. I just want to show you something. (He goes outside and closes the door. Bobby is trying to jump up to see through the peephole. Mike opens the door again) What are you doing?
Bobby: Trying to see what you’re doing.
Mike: Never mind that, now. Just do what I told you.
(He goes outside again and knocks on the door.)
Bobby (opening the door): Hi, Daddy.
Mike (firmly): Never open the front door without asking who it is. Now, try it again.
Bobby: Okay. (Mike goes outside again and Bobby shuts the door, Mike knocks again.) Who is it?
Mike: It’s Daddy. (Bobby opens the door) That’s very good. Now, this time, I’m going to be a stranger. Now a stranger is somebody we don’t know, okay? And we never open doors for people that we don’t know. Right?
Bobby: Right. (Mike goes back outside and knocks again) Who is it?
Mike (making his voice up): My name is Herman, may I come in?
Bobby: No, you’re a stranger.
(Alice comes up to Bobby.)
Alice: Okay, Bobby, time to get cleaned up for dinner.
Alice: No buts, go on. Move along, move.
Mike (sounding like an old lady): Hi, I’m a little old lady and I want to use your telephone, let me in. (Alice listens in disbelief) Okay, that’s good Bobby, open the door. (Alice is still shocked at his behavior) Come on, open up, I’m not a stranger anymore.
(Alice opens the door and Mike is shocked that’s her and not Bobby.)
Alice: For somebody who’s not a stranger, you’re certainly acting mighty strange.
Mike: I was telling Bobby about strangers, and not to open the door, and, I was Herman, and (laughing) He went off and you came up and I. (Pause) It’s kind of funny, isn’t it.
(An embarrassed Mike walks off as we move into the next scene. Mike is getting ready to leave with Carol.)
Mike (calling): Carol!
(Carol comes down the stairs in a beautiful evening gown.)
Mike: Carol!, oh, there you are. Gorgeous. (He takes her hand and they hear the sound of a horn) Alice, Sam’s here. (to Carol) We all set?
Carol: I, I think so.
Mike: Something’s wrong.
Carol: No, I’m not going to let a little sniffle of Cindy’s spoil our night out.
(Sam honks again.)
Mike: She have a fever?
Carol: No, none at all.
Mike: Then everything’s fine.
Alice (coming in): Does who have a fever?
Carol: Cindy, but she hasn’t. Just the sniffles.
Alice: Oh, my, I hope it doesn’t turn in to something worse. You know sniffles with kids.
(Sam honks once again.)
Greg (coming out with Marcia): Have a nice time, everybody.
Carol (to Alice): There’s Sam tooting again.
Alice: Well, I don’t know if I should go, Mrs. Brady, with Cindy sick and all.
Carol: Alice, Cindy is not sick, she just has the sniffles.
Marcia: What do you think Greg and I are here for?
Alice: Still, I think I’d better tell Sam to forget about it.
Mike: Alice (He grabs her by the arm), you will do no such thing. Alice, Mrs. Brady and I have the utmost confidence in the babysitters we have engaged for the evening.
Carol: Cindy’s in excellent hands.
Alice: Well, okay, enjoy the show.
Carol: Happy curtain hanging, Alice.
Mike: It’s our turn.
Carol: Yeah, I guess so.
Mike; Something wrong.
Carol: Well, I was just thinking what Alice said. Children’s sniffles can lead to something worse.
Mike: Honey, Cindy has sniffled before and Cindy will sniffle again, right?
Greg: We’ll look in on her every five minutes if you like. Please go!
Carol: Okay. (to Mike) Shall we?
Mike: Let’s. (He turns to the kids) Gas, did we turn the gas off?
Marcia: Dad, our stove is electric.
Mike: I was testing. (turning to Carol) Let’s go, honey.
Carol: Oh, listen kids, I…
Marcia: We know where all the phone numbers are, Mom.
Greg: And we’ll lock the door right behind you. Have a nice time.
(Carol goes to hug and kiss Marcia and Greg good night.)
Carol (to Marcia and Greg): Good night, sweetheart. Good night.
(After they leave, Mike knocks on the door again. Greg answers.)
Mike: You didn’t say who is it?
Greg: Only because I knew who it was. (He shuts the door) You didn’t chain the door.
(He chains the door and he and Marcia stand in front of it.)
Greg: Certainly hard to bring up.
(The scene fades out.)
(The next scene has Peter and Bobby watching television and Jan on the phone. Bobby is eating an apple while Greg sees Marcia with a glass of milk.)
Greg: Marcia, where you going with that?
Marcia: Cindy, she said her sniffles make her thirsty for milk.
Greg: Boy, oh boy, is she sneaky. She told me that her sniffles made her hungry for chocolate cake.
(Marcia laughs while Greg goes up to Bobby.)
Greg: Do you have to eat that (the apple) in here?
Bobby: What’s wrong with it?
Greg: Get a napkin. I don’t want apple juice dribbling al over the furniture for me to get blamed for.
Bobby: What a grouch.
(He gets up and Greg goes over to Peter.)
Greg: Peter, can’t you sit up?
Peter: Yeah, why?
Greg: Very funny. You’ll put a hole on the chair with your shoe. Do you mind?
Peter (moving his legs): Happy now, Mr. Dictator?
Greg: Okay, wise guy. How would you like to go to bed early and miss that movie on TV tonight?
Peter: You can’t make me do that.
Greg: I sure can, for not showing proper respect to your sitter.
Greg: That’s better. (Bobby comes in and waves a napkin at Greg) Jan, will you hang up the phone if you’re not talking to anyone.
Jan: Just a minute, Gloria. (She puts the phone down) It so happens that I’m talking to Gloria, but I’m not talking at the moment because I am listening to her do the talking. (She gets back on the phone) Go ahead, Gloria.
Greg (disgusted): Kids.
(Cut over to the restaurant, where Mike and Carol are being escorted to a table with a candlelight over their heads.)
Captain: Would you care for something from the bar?
Carol: Nah, I think I’d rather have a nice wine with dinner.
Mike: Me too. May we have the wine list, please?
Captain: very good, sir.
(The captain walks away.)
Carol (to Mike): Isn’t this a charming place?
Mike: Yeah, now that we found it, let’s come here more often.
Carol: A very good idea, Mr. Brady.
Mike: What will it be? Steaks, good burgundy or fish and Chablis. What do you think?
Carol: I think we should have left this number with Greg and Marcia.
Mike: Aw, honey, they know where we are. We could go whole hog and have lobster and champagne. What do you say?
Carol: I wish I had the kids check her temperature.
Mike: You promised to stop worrying about Cindy. Now she’s in good hands, right?
(The captain returns with the menu.)
Captain: Wine list, sir.
Mike: Oh, thank you. ( He looks at the menu) All right, what’ll it be? Burgundy, Chablis or champagne?
Carol: Oh, not champagne. You know the bubbles make me sneeze.
Mike (quietly): Yeah, me too.
Carol: And speaking of sneezing…
Mike: Honey, no more worrying, okay?
Mike: What’s wrong?
Carol: I think a snap just broke on my dress.
Mike: Yeah, let me see.
Carol: No, no, it’s all right. I’ll just get a safety pin. I’ll be fine, don’t worry. I’ll be right back.
(She walks away while the captain returns.)
Captain: Ready for your wine, sir?
Mike: Uh, I think I’ll wait for my wife.
(Carol goes to make a phone call to the house but gets a busy signal, due to Jan being on the phone with her friend, Gloria.)
Jan (on the phone): And then what, Gloria.
(Carol hangs up. We next see her at the table with Mike, looking at the menu.)
Mike: Anything look tempting?
Carol: Oh, Mike, their specialty tonight is abalone steak. You know how the kids love abalone.
Mike: You remember when Peter went diving for abalone?
Carol: Yes, and he cut his foot on some coral.
Mike: That’s right, he did.
Carol: Remember, it wasn’t much at first, and then it turned out to be pretty nasty. You know that happens sometimes.
Mike: Yeah, I suppose so. (He looks in another direction) That looks like Charlie Hoffman. I haven’t seen him for years.
Carol: Who’s Charlie Hoffman?
Mike: Uh, he’s an old friend. Uh, just going out there. Will you excuse me while I see if I can catch him?
(Mike gets on a phone to call the house, with the same result.)
Jan (still on the phone): Well, just don’t leave me hanging here, Gloria.
(Mike hangs up and goes back to join Carol at the table.)
Mike: Well, it wasn’t Charlie Hoffman, but the resemblance was uncanny. Uncanny.
Carol: Oh no, I think that’s pin’s come loose. (They both get up) I’ll be right back.
Mike: Listen, honey, while you’re gone, I’ll just get some change for the parking lot attendant.
(Next, we have Carol at a payphone with Mike on another. Jan is still on the phone and they get a busy signal.)
Jan (on the phone): The trouble with you, Gloria is it’s impossible to believe a word you say.
(Carol hangs up and so does Mike. They meet each other back at the table.)
Carol and Mike: Mike/Carol, I just called home.
Carol: You too?
Mike: Well, Peter’s foot and the abalone got to me.
Carol (nodding): Mike, I’d feel a lot better if we could run by the house and check before going on to the show.
Mike: Why don’t we skip dinner and do that, we can eat later. Uh, captain.
Captain: Are you ready now, sir?
Mike: I’m afraid we had a change in plans and we can’t stay.
Captain: That’s perfectly all right, sir. I’ll bring you your check.
Carol: But we didn’t have anything.
Captain: There’s the cover charge, Madam. And the state tax, of course.
Mike: But we didn’t have anything to tax.
Captain: The tax is on the cover charge, sir.
(Next, they are back at the house checking on the kids. They’re outside the front door.)
Mike: You know, we really shouldn’t be doing this.
Carol: Why not?
Mike: Well, because we said we trusted them. The kids will never forgive us for checking on them.
Carol: Yeah, maybe you’re right.
Mike: Honey, listen, I’m sure they are okay. Besides, they got the chain on the door.
Carol: Mike, I smell smoke.
Mike: Oh, that’s just the Dittmeyer’s barbecue.
Carol: Well, maybe so, but couldn’t we check the same?
Mike: They’re always having those barbecues.
Carol: It’ll only take a minute.
(Greg, Marcia, Peter and Jan are all watching TV in the family room while Mike accidentally bumps into a patio chair, making Greg suspicious.)
Greg: Marcia, did you hear something?
Marcia: Like what?
Greg: I’m not sure.
Marcia: What was it?
(While walking outside, Mike trips over a bicycle, making another thudding noise. Greg decides to call the police.)
Greg (from the living room phone): Jan, get off the phone. I have to make an important call.
(He hangs up then dials again. Carol helps Mike up outside.)
Carol: Honey, are you all right?
(We go back inside.)
Greg (on the phone): Yes. Yes, sir. I heard it twice. Thank you very much, good-bye. (He hangs up and turns to Marcia) The police are sending a patrol car right over. He said there’s one right in the neighborhood.
(We go back outside.)
Carol: You would have been quieter breaking down the front door.
Marcia: Boy, you better be sure you heard something.
(Back outside one more time. Carol smells something.)
Carol: I think you’re right, it’s the Dittmeyer’s barbecue.
(They notice somebody opening the door to their back fence.)
Mike: Wait here.
(He creeps over to the fence with Carol holding on to him. They approach the person coming in. they are surprised to see it’s none other than Alice, who screams.)
Alice: Mr. Brady, what are you doing here?
Mike: What are you doing here?
Police Officer (arriving at the scene): What are you all doing here?
(The officer flicks a flashlight at them.)
Carol: Well, you see officer, Alice is our housekeeper.
Mike: That’s right, officer.
Officer (sarcastically): And you were fighting over who’s going to vacuum those bushes tonight?
Carol: Oh, no, this is our house, and we thought Alice was a prowler.
Mike: She was supposed to be at Sam’s doing the curtains!
Alice: Well, I got a little worried about Cindy.
Mike: The kids are sitting alone for the first time.
Alice: The line was busy, I got to worrying about her cold.
Carol: She’s got the sniffles.
Mike: Right, we skipped dinner, but didn’t want to miss the show.
Carol: A friend of my husband’s gave him the tickets.
Mike: All we wanted to do was (Pause) Check.
Carol: It’s just such a simple explanation.
Mike: We smelled the smoke in the neighbor’s yard.
Carol: Right, the Dittmeyer’s over there.
(Greg, Marcia, Peter and Jan are looking out the window in dismay as the scene fades out.)
(The final scene has Mike explaining to Marcia and Greg what happened.)
Mike: So Alice was worried and came around the back like we did.
Greg: I’m sorry I called the police, Dad.
Mike: No, you did the right thing.
(Carol comes down the stairs.)
Carol: Well, I just checked. Cindy’s sound asleep and not a sign of a sniffle.
Marcia: We kept a close eye on her, like we promised.
Greg (looking at his watch): Hey, if you hurry, you’ll still have to catch the show.
Mike: That’s exactly what I was thinking. (to Carol) Shall we, honey?
Carol: Great idea. (She grabs her purse and coat) Well, good -bye, kids. We won’t be late.
Greg: And don’t worry, we have everything under control.
Marcia: And the stove is turned off, and we know where all the phone numbers are.
Carol: Great, bye.
Greg: We just want you to have a good time. relax.
(Mike and Carol head out the door. Mike comes back in.)
Mike: You forgot to (Pause) Chain the door.
(Greg shuts the door and chains it. He and Marcia shake hands and guard the door.)