Going, Going Steady
Written by David P. Harmon
Marcia’s going steady with Harvey Klinger, whose favorite hobby is collecting bugs. Hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(The episode begins with Marcia coming home from school in a daze. She goes up to a rose and smells it. She comes into the house and finds Carol dusting in the living room.)
Carol: Hi, sweetheart. You’re home late today.
Marcia: Hi, Alice.
Carol: Alice? All day long I thought I was Carol Brady, your mother.
Marcia: What a lovely day this is.
Carol: Seems kind of cloudy to me.
Marcia: It’s the loveliest day ever. The daffodils are singing, the birds are blooming.
(Mike comes out of his den and goes up to Carol.)
Mike: Daffodils are singing and birds are blooming? What’s with her?
Carol: Well, my woman’s intuition tells me.
Carol: That our little girl has a slight case of puppy love.
Mike: Slight case? I’d say from the dazed expression on her face, she had an epidemic. You’re sure that’s what it is?
Carol: Yeah, I know the look.
Mike: She’s only 13.
Carol: Well, that’s the age. That uncertain year between childhood and adolescence.
Mike: Well, anything we can do to help?
Carol: There certainly is, Mr. Brady.
Carol: Prepare ourselves for the agonies to come.
(The scene fades.)
(The next scene has Alice in the kitchen, where she just prepared a salad. Jan goes in to talk to her.)
Jan: Alice, have you talked to Marcia?
Alice: No, why?
Jan: She’s real weird. I asked her if I can borrow her scarf and she said, the air is full of music and the birds smell like wine.
Alice: The birds smell like wine?
Jan: That’s what she said, honest.
Alice: Well, maybe a hummingbird got into somebody’s cooking sherry. That’ll give him something to hum about.
(Cindy comes into the kitchen.)
Cindy: Jan, what’s the matter with Marcia?
Jan: Did she say something goofy to you too?
Cindy: Uh-uh, she’s just sitting there staring at the wall with a dumb look on her face.
Alice: Maybe she’s coming down with the flu. I’d better check on her.
(Marcia comes into the kitchen for an apple.)
Alice: Marcia, honey, do you feel okay?
Marcia: When your heart has wings, who can feel?
(She bites the apple and walks out, with Alice, Jan and Cindy looking on.)
Jan (to Alice): Now do you believe us?
Alice: Well, I was close, but I got the wrong bug. Make that the love bug, not the flu bug.
(Next, the boys come down the stairs to complain about Marcia.)
Greg: Mom, Marcia’s been locked in that bathroom for an hour.
Peter: We need one more bathroom and one less sister.
Bobby: Yeah, one less sister.
Carol: Oh, be patient with her, boys. You know she’s in the throes of her first romance.
Bobby: You mean she’s in love, ick!
Mike: Bobby, love isn’t all ick.
Greg: Well, who’s the unfortunate fellow?
Carol: I think his name is (Pause) Harvey Klinger.
Greg: Harvey Klinger?
Peter: Harvey Klinger?
Bobby: Harvey Klinger? (Pause) Who’s Harvey Klinger?
Mike: What’s wrong with Harvey Klinger?
Greg: Everything’s wrong with Harvey Klinger, he’s an all time All-American Grade A creep, besides being a jerk and a goof and a double dingbat.
Carol: Greg, don’t you think that’s being just a little bit strong?
Greg: Mom, those are his good points.
Cindy (coming down the stairs): Hey, you’ll never guess what happened. She’s out of the bathroom.
Peter: It’s about time.
Cindy: Now she’s talking on the phone.
Greg: Talking to hare brained Harvey, no doubt.
Cindy: Nope, she’s talking to her girlfriend, Sally, who sits next to Harvey. And it sure sounds icky.
(Next, Carol and Alice are in the kitchen, ready to serve dinner.)
Alice: Dinner’s ready, kids.
(She and Carol bring salad and rolls out to the table.)
Carol: Alice, would you please call the others?
dMike (coming out of the den): Hey, dinner ready, Alice?
Alice: Just coming to get you, Mr. Brady.
Cindy (from top of the stairs): She’s still staring at the wall.
Mike: Cindy, must we have these 10 minute announcements? (to Alice) I’d better go get Juliet.
Alice: I’ll do that. You better eat my pot roast while it’s hot, when it cools off, it loses something in the translation.
Mike (to Cindy): Come on.
(They go to the dinner table while Alice goes up to talk to Marcia, who seems depressed.)
Alice: Soup’s on, honey. Everybody’s waiting for you.
(Marcia is facing the other way and doesn’t look at Alice.)
Marcia: Everyone except Harvey Klinger.
Harvey: He doesn’t know I’m alive, Alice.
Alice: Oh, now, what makes you say that?
Marcia: I didn’t. He did. He told my girlfriend Sally.
Alice: Maybe she misunderstood him.
Marcia: No, Alice. (She sits up to face her.) Have you ever been in love? I mean, really, truly in love?
Alice: Sure, and it can hurt. Until the next time you’re really, truly in love.
Marcia (almost in tears): I’ll never find the right man again.
Alice: Sure you will. The problem is to find the right man who thinks you’re the right woman.
Marcia: What’s the difference? Harvey Klingler doesn’t know I exist, I wish I didn’t.
(Marcia buries her face in the pillow while Alice tries to comfort her. Downstairs, she’s discussing the situation with Mike and Carol.)
Alice: Marcia hasn’t got the sign of a cough and she isn’t lying on a chaise holding a faded lily, but you do have definitely got a Camille on your hands. (She lets out a sigh.)
Carol: Well, I suppose it hurts the same at any age. There must be some way we can help her.
Mike: Yeah, there is.
Mike: Well, by not butting in. Honey, look, she’s going to get over it. Puppy love isn’t lasting and it certainly isn’t fatal.
Alice (glumly): No, but for a while, it can sure make you wish it was.
Carol: You’re absolutely right. (to Mike) I say we should try to help her.
Mike: Yeah, and I say, butt out.
Carol: Well, Mike, you yourself said is there anything we can do to help. Remember?
Mike: Yeah, I know, but…
Carol: Well, then it’s settled, we help.
Alice: Well, the problem is Harvey Klingler doesn’t even notice Marcia.
Carol: Well, then, let’s think of a way to see that he does.
Alice: Yeah, let’s think of a way.
(They both stare at Mike.)
Mike: Oh no, you think of a way. (They continue to stare.) All right, but I’m gonna do it under protest.
Carol: Okay, now Mike, when you were Harvey’s age, what attracted you to girls?
Mike: Well, uh, having something in common like a hobby.
Alice: Sounds like a good idea.
Carol: What was your hobby?
Mike: Girls. (She starts laughing)
Alice: I wonder what Harvey Klinger’s hobby is.
(The next scene has Carol and Marcia looking in a book of insects.)
Carol (pointing to a picture of an insect): This one? Don’t peek.
Marcia: A banded wooly bear moth.
Carol: Right, and uh, ugh, this one.
Marcia: Yuck, a purple tiger beetle. That one looks icky.
Carol: Mmm, I’m with you. are you sure you want to go through with this?
Marcia: You asked me what Harvey likes, and that’s what Harvey likes. Bugs.
Carol: Bugs. Okay. (She puts her finger up.) Onward. (pointing in the book.) This one?
Marcia: A 17 year clicida?
Carol (laughing): No, not clicida, cicada.
Carol: Right. (She points to her watch) And this one.
Marcia (laughing): That’s a watch.
Carol: Right again, and time for you to go to bed.
Marcia (getting up): You don’t know how much I appreciate this, Mom.
(She kisses her.)
Carol: Oh, that’s okay. that’s what mothers are for.
Mike (coming in): Hey, how’s everything in bug city?
Marcia: Heaven Dad, simply heaven.
(She kisses him good night and goes upstairs.)
Mike: I take it everything went well, huh?
Carol: Oh, and very educational too. Well, do you know the difference between a male peach tree borer and a female peach tree borer?
Mike: No, I haven’t the slightest idea.
Carol: Lucky for you, you’re not a peach tree borer. (They laugh) Hey, thanks for the hobby idea anyway.
Mike: Well, uh, (He takes a bite of an apple.) I did it under protest and I still don’t think we should meddle.
(They hear someone outside.)
Mike: What’s that?
Carol: Oh, that’s Greg helping Marcia’s cause.
Mike: What’s he doing out there?
Carol: Collecting bugs.
Mike: Collecting bugs?
Carol: Mmm hmm.
(We see Greg on his knees getting bugs from the ground.)
Mike: How did you get him to agree to do a thing like that?
Carol: Well, I just explained to him Marcia’s problem, and the fact that, you know, she is his sister and that it is his duty to help her.
Marcia: How much you paying him?
Carol: Only 10 cents a bug.
(Mike laughs as we move into the next scene, which shows Harvey at school reading a book when Marcia goes over to talk to him. She tries getting his attention by dumping insects from a bag on the ground.)
Marcia: Is anybody sitting here?
Marcia: May I sit here?
Marcia (sitting down): Nice day, isn’t it.
Marca (looking on the ground): Well of all things! A lateral femarata.
Harvey (looking up from his book): Where? Where?
Marcia (pointing): Right there.
(Harvey picks it up using a clipper.)
Harvey: It’s an absolute perfect specimen.
Marcia: You can have it if you’d like, I already have one.
(He puts it in with his collection.)
Harvey: Gee, thanks. My name’s Harvey Klinger.
Marcia: I’m Marcia Brady.
Harvey: You’re the first girl I ever met who knew anything about bugs. I collect them.
Marcia: You do?
Harvey: Say, aren’t we in the same English class?
Marcia; I don’t know, I sit up front. (She sees his book.) What’s that you’re reading?
Harvey: The Wonderful World of Insects by Professor G.T. Hardgrove.
Marcia: That’s my favorite book in the whole world.
(The bell rings.)
Marcia: 4th period bell.
Harvey; Yeah. Can I walk you to class?
(The next scene has Carol and Alice in the kitchen with Marcia coming home bursting with news.)
Marcia: MOM!, MOM!, YOU’LL NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!
Carol: Well, I’ll take a stab at the dark. What happened?
Marcia: Harvey Klingler walked me home.
Carol: Oh, Marcia, that’s wonderful.
Marcia: The bugs worked! And that’s not all, he asked me to go steady with him. I said yes if you say yes. Can I Mom, please?
Carol: Well, uh, I’ll speak to your father about it.
Marcia: Oh, Musca domestica, I love you.
Marcia: That’s the common housefly.
(She kisses Carol and runs out.)
Carol: Go steady?
Alice: Go steady. (Carol moans) Steady there, Mrs. Brady.
Carol: Oh, I wanted Harvey Klinger to like her, but, going steady’s something else.
Alice: I know what you mean. You expected her to just go wading, not dive right in the 20 foot board.
Carol: Oh, Mr. Brady warned me not to interfere.
Alice: You’ll have to tell him, if he hears it first from Marcia, it’ll be much worse.
Carol: Yeah, that’s right.
Alice: I wouldn’t worry too much, he’s a reasonable man.
Carol: He is, Alice.
Alice: But as a favor, would you tell him on my day off?
(The scene fades. The next scene has the kids leaving for school the next morning. Carol and Alice hand them their lunch bags and they all say good-bye. Alice tried to continue the conversation from before.)
Alice: You didn’t tell me, Mrs. Brady. Was Mr. Brady very upset about Marcia going steady?
Carol: Oh, not at all.
Alice: Oh, good.
Carol: I, uh, didn’t tell him yet.
Carol: Well, he worked late last night and by the time he got to bed, I’d already gone to sleep.
Alice: I see.
Carol: But I’m going to tell him this morning. (Pause) Maybe I’ll tell him after dinner. I’ll fix his favorite dish.
Carol: Right. Chicken.
Alice: I didn’t mean the dish, I meant you.
Carol: All right, no more stalling. I’ll face the music. I’ll go tell him now, want to come with me?
Alice: Thanks just the same, I’m no good at duets.
(Carol goes upstairs to talk to Mike.)
Carol (sheepish): Mike.
Carol: Oh, it can wait. If you’re too busy I can come back later.
Mike: Honey, I’m just getting dressed for work. I do that from time to time.
Mike: What’s on your mind?
Carol (coming in the room): Mike.
Carol: You’re an open-minded man, right?
Carol: And flexible.
Mike: Oh, very.
Carol: I mean, you’re not the kind of man who would ever say I told you so.
Mike (suspicious); Carol. Just what are we talking about here?
Carol: Well, that rare gift you have for being fair, impartial, unprejudiced.
Mike: You left out courteous, faithful and true.
Carol: Yeah, those too.
Mike: What do I get my merit badge for?
Carol: For being understanding when I tell you Marcia wants to go steady with Harvey Klinger.
Mike (clueless): You think my striped tie will look all right with this?
Carol: Did you hear what I said, Mike? Marcia wants to go steady with Harvey Klinger.
Mike (putting his tie on): So what? Going steady, school dances, a movie, a soda. Doesn’t mean a thing.
Carol: You don’t think so?
Mike: Why, no? Honey, listen, going steady isn’t the same as when we were 13.
Carol (pleased): oh, I’m so glad you’re not upset.
Mike: Upset? Fair, impartial, unprejudiced Mike Brady.
Carol: Oh, I absolutely love you, I really do.
(She hugs him)
Mike: You do? That’s good to hear. You know, after we’re married a few years, I may ask you to go steady.
(They continue to hug as we move to the next scene, having Marcia and Harvey in the kitchen going over a wide assortment of insects.)
Harvey: This is a very unique specimen of drosophila. Really the common fruit fly, but with the unique habit of living with vinegar.
Marcia (looking through a magnifying glass): Gee Harvey, gosh.
(Greg comes in and looks on with disgust.)
Greg: Sickening, positively sickening.
(He goes to head upstairs and sees Carol)
Carol: Hi, Greg.
Greg: Hi, Mom.
Carol: Are Marcia and Harvey still in the kitchen?
Greg: Are they, YUCK!
(Back to the kitchen with Marcia and Harvey.)
Harvey: This hairy one’s called the snout beetle.
Marcia: It’s lovely, so close to the weevil family, yet so different.
Jan (coming in): Hi.
Marcia: With its offset eyes and its many jointed antennas.
Harvey: Gee, Marcia, you really know your bugs.
Marcia: What a sweet thing to say, Harvey.
(Jan leaves the kitchen unhappily and joins Greg and Carol at the staircase.)
Greg: Honest, Mom, that Harvey’s buggier than his bugs.
Jan: You said it. (She starts to mimic Marcia): Do you know the hairy beetle has offset eyes?
Greg (mimicking Harvey): Why, naturally, and a drosophila lives in vinegar, my dear.
Jan: Oh, how thrilling, Harvey.
Greg: Gosh, Marcia.
Carol: Come on you two, scoot.
(She sends them upstairs as Mike comes out of his den.)
Mike: What’s so funny?
Carol: Private joke.
Mike: Okay. (He goes out to the kitchen.) How goes it, kids.
Marcia (to Harvey): I think that’s fascinating. carpenter ants really nest in dead trees?
Harvey: You have to take my word, I couldn’t bring a dead tree with me.
Marcia: Well, I’d never doubt your word, Harvey.
Harvey: This one’s a queen, no wings, you’ll notice.
Marcia: I noticed that.
Harvey: She pulled them off herself, though why, why? One of the eternal mysteries of the insect world.
Mike: How about a piece of fruit, Harvey. (He and Marcia keep looking through the bugs.) Some milk and cookies? Harvey, how about a bug sandwich?
Harvey: Did you say something, Mr. brady?
Mike: I thought that would get you.
(He grabs an apple and walks away. Next, Marcia is upstairs trying on her mother’s makeup. Peter and Bobby come in.)
Peter: We need another guy for basketball.
Marcia: I’m not a guy, I’m a girl. An older girl.
Peter: Since when?
Marcia: Since I started going steady with Harvey Klinger, and I no longer play kids games.
(Jan and Cindy come in to see her as Marcia’s trying on false eyelashes.)
Jan: What are you doing up here? You’re supposed to be helping us.
Cindy: Yeah, dusting the living room.
Jan: And sweeping the kitchen and patio.
Marcia: Dust makes my eyes red, which is very unbecoming to a woman going steady.
Jan: Oh, well then just sweep.
Marcia (snobbishly): It would ruin my feminine posture.
Jan: You’re only 13, you’re not old enough yet to have a posture. What do you need false eyelashes for?
Cindy: That one looks like a seesaw.
Marcia: It makes me feel womanly, glamorous, that’s why woman wear perfume, eye shadow and lipstick. Makes you attractive to a man, beautiful and exotic.
Jan: It does? Well, I might as well be beautiful and exotic.
Cindy: Me too.
(Jan tries on perfume and Cindy puts on lipstick.)
Jan: Lovely, lovely, Isn’t that just absolutely, lovely. My goodness.
Carol (coming in): Just what do you think you’re doing?
Marcia: Just girl talk, Mom.
Jan: How do I smell?
Carol: Like you need a long, hot bath, and right now.
Cindy: What about me, Mom, how do I look?
Carol: Oh Cindy, I know your mouth is in there someplace. Try some soap and water and see if you can find it, okay.
Marcia: I was experimenting with the eyelashes, Mom.
Carol: Going steady is one thing, but wearing false eyelashes is out.
Marcia: Out? A lot of girls my age wear makeup.
Carol: Well, I’m sorry, but that’s their mother’s problem, not mine. Now off they come.
(She pulls them off her.)
Marcia: Ouch! Like Harvey said, parents just don’t understand our generation.
Carol: Marcia, I understand it better than you think. I’ve already lived through your generation.
Marcia: But things have changed since you were my age.
Carol: Only times have changed sweetheart, people haven’t.
Marcia: But they have! You know what Harvey said? A girl my age is like a 20 year-old used to be, and a boy of 14 is like 22.
(Next, Mike and Carol are discussing that anecdote in the den.)
Mike: A girl of 13 is like 20 and a boy of 14 is like 22?
Carol: That’s what Harvey said. Oh, I should have listened to you Mike and not interfered. Well, I don’t like the way this changing Marcia.
Mike: Of course, on the other hand, maybe Harvey has a point.
Mike: I mean, we’re understanding, modern parents. We have to be open-minded and fair about things, right?
Carol (surprised): What’s gotten into you?
Mike: Well, if Harvey is 22, and Marcia is 20, then that’s the way they ought to be treated. (Pause) If that’s what Harvey says.
(Carol catches on and we move on to that evening. Harvey comes to pick Marcia up for a date. Mike answers when he rings the bell.)
Harvey: Hi, Mr. Brady.
Mike (shaking his hand): Hi, Harvey, good to see you. Come on in. (He almost drags him through the door.) Come on in, sit down, make yourself at home. Marcia’s running a little late for a date, that’s a woman for you, huh.
Harvey: Yes sir, that’s a woman for you.
Mike: What we men put up with, huh?
(He slaps Harvey’s knee.)
Harvey: Yes sir, we men.
Mike: Yeah. You two doing the town tonight, huh.
Harvey: Kind of taking it easy tonight, just a soda.
Mike: Mmm hmm, mmm hmm. You know, Harvey, I wasn’t too sure about you and Marcia going steady at first, but, as you say, she’s like a woman of 20 used to be, and you’re like a man of 22.
Harvey: That’s right, sir.
Mike: Yeah, then see, I think that’s the way you ought to be treated. I mean, you’re not a kid anymore, you’re practically an adult. right?
Harvey: Yes, sir.
Mike: And ready to face the responsibilities of life.
Harvey: Yes, sir.
Mike: Harvey, what are your plans for the future?
Harvey: The future?
Mike: Mmm hmm.
Harvey: Well, next week I’m going to get a new front tire for my bicycle.
Mike: No, no, Harvey, I mean for work or a home or some kind of retirement plan.
Harvey: Well, before I retire I have to get out of junior high school.
Mike: Oh, yeah.
(Marcia and Carol come out.)
Marcia: Hi Harvey, I’m ready.
Harvey: Swell. Let’s go.
Mike: Oh listen, no need to rush, Harvey. Um, Marcia, I was just talking about you two.
Marcia: What about me?
Mike: I was just saying that I think it’s a big responsibility to be going steady and I’m pleased that Harvey here is taking it so seriously.
Carol: That’s good to know. Well, before you know it, Harvey, you’ll be out of high school, out of college, going to work and hearing those wedding bells.
Harvey: Wedding bells?
Marcia: What wedding bells?
Mike: Yours and Harvey’s, the two of you, hand in hand, forever.
Marcia: Me and Harvey?
Carol: Just like your father and I.
Mike: Mmm hmm.
Marcia: We better get going, Harvey.
Harvey: Yeah. if you’ll excuse us, sir.
(He and Marcia get up to leave.)
Mike: Oh sure, of course, Harvey. Listen, it’s nice having this talk with you, okay?
Harvey: That’s okay.
(Marcia and Harvey head out the door.)
Marcia: Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad. (She and Harvey are outside.) What was that all about?
Harvey: Look, Marcia, I don’t think I’m ready to be 22 yet. That’s not what I meant by going steady.
Marcia: Me neither. Maybe we could go steady just once a week.
Harvey: Yeah, that’s steady enough. You still want that soda?
Marcia: Sure, but let’s hurry and get right home. Kids our age need lots of sleep.
(They leave and the scene fades.)
(The final scene has Marcia coming home with her new boyfriend, Lester.)
Marcia: Mom, Dad, this is Lester.
Mike: Hi, Lester.
(He shakes Lester’s hand.)
Marcia: Kitchen’s that way.
(Lester heads to the kitchen and Marcia sits down to talk to her parents.)
Marcia: Isn’t he neat?
Carol: What ever happened to Danny?
Mike: Yeah and Harvey bugs?
Marcia: Harvey turned out to be a drip. And Danny was dull, so was Alan. I’m going steady with Lester this week. (She giggles)
Carol: Oh, good.
Marcia: See you later.
(He goes to the kitchen to join Lester.)
Carol: Ah, that’s such a nice age.
Mike: Yeah, any age is a nice age. (He mimics Dracula) Even ours.
(He reaches over to kiss Carol.)