The Not-so-ugly Duckling
Written by Paul West
Jan’s first crush is a boy named Clark Tyson. However, he decides he likes Marcia better, causing Jan some self-esteem issues. Hope you enjoy the review.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
MIKE BRADY
CAROL BRADY
ALICE NELSON
GREG BRADY
MARCIA BRADY
PETER BEADY
JAN BRADY
BOBBY BRADY
CINDY BRADY
CLARK TYSON
CLERK AT DRUG STORE
(The episode begins with Jan and her classmate, Clark Tyson, doing homework in the family room.)
Jan: Clark.
Clark: Huh?
Jan: This map of the United States I’m drawing looks kinda weird.
(Clark comes over to look.)
Clark: Oh, it would look better if you hadn’t forgotten Baja, California.
Jan: Yeah, I guess that would help.
(Jan goes out to the kitchen to get a snack.)
Carol: How’s the homework going?
Jan: Terrific. Clark’s so wonderful. So super. I can’t believe it.
Alice: I’ll take one just like him in the big economy size.
(She goes back in to resume her homework.)
Carol: Little girls are so funny. Jan was so worried she’d have a boyfriend.
Alice: Well, let’s face it. 11 years old. She’s not getting any younger.
Marcia (coming in the kitchen): Mom, have you or Alice seen my math book?
Alice: I think it’s in the family room, Marcia.
Marcia: Thanks.
Carol: Marcia, honey, Jan and Clark Tyson are in there studying.
Marcia: I won’t disturb them. (She walks in the family room) Hi.
Jan: Hi. Clark, this is my sister, Marcia. This is Clark Tyson.
Clark (friendly): Hi!
Marcia: Hi.
(Clark looks at Marcia with admiration.)
Jan: We’re studying for a geography test tomorrow.
Marcia: Well, I’ll get right out of your way.
Clark: No hurry. (Marcia gets her book and leaves) Wow, you’ve got a neat sister.
Jan: You think so?
Clark: Wow, how did you get a sister like her?
Jan: Just lucky I guess.
(Jan gets depressed as the scene fades out.)
(The next scene has her coming home from school.)
Jan: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Carol: Hi, honey.
Mike: How was your day?
Jan: Just terrible. The worst, just the worst. I’m so mad I could…oh, am I mad!
Mike: Something happen at school?
Jan: Something didn’t happen at school. Clark didn’t even look at me. I saw him at lunch, and I passed him in the hall five times.
Carol: Maybe he had something else on his mind.
Jan: He sure did, Marcia.
Mike: Marcia?
Jan: Yes, Marcia. It’s all her fault.
(She goes upstairs to her room.)
Mike: What’s Marcia got to do with Clark?
Carol: Well I’m not sure, but I think our blue-eyed daughter has been smitten by the green-eyed monster.
(Upstairs, Marcia is combing her hair when Jan comes in.)
Jan (smugly): Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest one of all.
Marcia: Hi, what’s with you?
Jan: What I want to know is, what’s with you and Clark Tyson?
Marcia: Who?
Jan: Don’t pretend you don’t remember, after what you did yesterday, when Clark and I were studying. And you came slinking in.
(Jan tries to imitate the way Marcia walked in.)
Marcia: Oh, him, your little friend at school.
Jan: He’s not my little friend from school, he’s taller than I am and he’s the best looking boy in my class. You came in there on purpose just to turn on your icky old charm.
Marcia: Are you kidding? Why would I be interested in him? He’s only a child and I’m a woman.
Jan: He’s not a child, he’s 12.
Marcia: You’re being ridiculous. All I did was walk into the room and pick up my book.
Jan: Well, if that’s all, why did his eyes nearly pop out of his head?
Marcia (smiling): I can’t help it if his eyes popped.
Jan: you were trying to steal my boyfriend and you know it.
Marcia: I just came in for my book.
Jan: Then why did he drool over you and pay no attention to me?
Marcia: Jan, if boys don’t find you attractive, don’t blame it on me.
(Marcia turns around to continue combing her hair. Jan leaves the room upset. Carol and Mike come in.)
Carol: Marcia, what is going on between you and Jan?
Marcia: I don’t know, Mom. She came in here accusing me of stealing her boyfriend. Imagine, a mature person like me trying to steal a 12 year-old.
Mike: Well, you must have done something, honey.
Marcia: Not a thing, honest. Yesterday when she was studying with Clark, and I went in to get my book, I said hi. Now what’s wrong with that?
Carol: Well, it all depends on how you said it. Hi or hi.
Marcia (laughing): Mom, there’s nothing more than sibling rivalry. (Mike and Carol look confused) That means competition between brothers and sisters.
Mike: Oh, gee, I’m glad you cleared that up. As long as you’re smart enough to know what it means, let’s see if you’re smart enough to help put a stop it.
Marcia: I’ll do everything I can, but it’s really up to Jan.
(Next, Jan goes in the boys’ room to talk to Greg.)
Jan: Greg.
Greg: Yeah?
Jan: You busy?
Greg: Yeah. What do you want?
Jan: I need some advice.
Greg: Okay. (He sits down at the desk) Shoot.
Jan: It’s about boys.
Greg: I thought you shrewd females knew all about us poor, dumb guys.
Jan: Well, this is for a friend of mine. (She sits on his bed) You see, she met this real cute guy and everything was groovy. Until then, all of a sudden, he lost interest. Why would a guy do this (Pause) to my friend? Just lose interest.
Greg: Maybe she’s using the wrong kind of toothpaste.
Jan: I’m serious, Greg.
Greg: Well, how should I know? The guy probably found something about her he didn’t like.
Jan: Such as what?
Greg: Well, maybe she’s got a face that’d scare snakes.
Jan: She has not?
Greg: Is she too fat?
Jan (looking at her stomach): No.
Greg: Too thin?
Jan: No.
Greg: Then it’s got to be her crummy face. Who is it?
Jan: Just some unfortunate girl. Thanks, Greg.
(Jan leaves and we see her in the bathroom in the next scene.)
Jan (looking in the mirror): Yuck! It’s my crummy face. Greg was right. Rotten freckles.
(The next scene has Mike and Carol in the kitchen. Mike smells something.)
Mike: Cinnamon cookies!
Alice: They’re Jan’s favorites. I thought I’d make some to cheer her up.
Carol: Well, I guess a shattered romance can be pretty rough at that age.
Mike: Oh, yeah, I remember when I was 10 or 11, I had a big crush on a girl. Had three teeth missing in front.
Carol: You or the girl.
Mike: No, the girl. Yeah, she was all gums but I loved her. Threw me over for a kid who could whistle through his nose.
(He demonstrated how the kid did it.)
Carol (laughing): Oh, Mike.
Alice: I once had an offer of marriage when I was seven. Looking back I should’ve taken it.
(Jan comes in the kitchen.)
Jan: Mom, can I go to the store, please?
Carol: Well, don’t be long, dear, dinner’s almost ready.
Jan: Who can eat?
(She leaves.)
Carol: I wish there was something we can do to make her feel better.
Alice: Maybe we can give her some of her birthday presents in advance.
Mike: Hey, better than that, how about a surprise birthday party.
Carol: Wonderful. A party’s a sure cure for the blues.
Alice: With balloons and steamers and cake and ice cream and everything?
Mike: The works!
(Next, Alice rounds up the other kids to plan the party.)
Alice: Now, this is a very important meeting. High-level, top secret stuff.
Greg: Jan isn’t here yet.
Alice: That’s the whole point. We’re planning her surprise birthday party for Saturday night.
Marcia: A surprise party?
Bobby: Neat-o.
Greg: What do you want us to do?
Cindy: We’ll do anything?
Peter: Just tell us.
Alice: Cindy, you’re in charge of putting the candles on the birthday cake. You know how many to put on?
Cindy: Sure, I can even count high enough to put candles on your cake.
Alice: That many candles would be against the fire laws.
(The kids laugh.)
Alice: Marcia, you have the honor of baking the cake.
Marcia: Oh, great. Let’s see, I’ll bake a double chiffon, orange, three layer, upside down, with pink frosting and peppermint sherbet filling.
Alice: Bobby, you’re gonna be in charge of blowing up the balloons.
Peter: That’s a good job for him, he’s a windbag.
(Bobby makes a gibberish comeback.)
Alice: Greg, you and Peter will be in charge of the decorations. Balloons, paper steamers, all that jazz. Now, any questions?
Bobby: Who’s in charge of the ice cream?
Alice: Oh, that’s my department.
Bobby: Want to trade? You can blow up balloons and I can be in charge of the ice cream.
Alice: Are you kidding? That would be like putting a mouse in charge of cheese.
(Bobby looks bummed and Cindy laughs.)
(The next scene has Jan down at the drug store, disguising herself in a veil and sunglasses. The clerk comes to greet her.)
Clerk: Something for you, young lady?
Jan: Oh, I was just looking around. Do you have any kind of, um, well, something to get rid of freckles?
Clerk: Freckles?
Jan: It’s for a friend of mine.
Clerk: For a friend of yours, hmmm. I suppose these freckles she has are a real big problem.
Jan: They’re ruining her life.
Clerk: Oh, that’s too bad.
Jan: Making her a social outcast.
Clerk: Oh, that is a shame. Pretty girl, I suppose, if it wasn’t for those old freckles.
Jan: Well, she’s not bad looking. I mean, not really ugly or anything, it’s just…
Clerk: Those old freckles.
Jan: I can see you understand.
Clerk (laughing): Indeed I do.
Jan: Well, is there anything I can, I mean, she can use?
Clerk: Well, there’s some creams and ointments, but I wouldn’t recommend them. (Jan gets bummed) You might suggest to your friend that a little lemon wouldn’t hurt. And stay out of the sun, too.
Jan: I sure will. Thank you.
(The clerk laughs and she leaves. Next, Bobby and Cindy are in the girls’ room hiding Jan’s presents.)
Bobby: We got to hide these birthday presents someplace where Jan won’t look.
Cindy: Hey, how about under my bed.
Bobby: Sure.
(They put them under the bed but they hear Jan come in.)
Bobby: Yikes!
Cindy: Get under the bed!
(Jan comes in the room with a bowlful of lemons. She cuts one up while Bobby and Cindy look on.)
Bobby (to Cindy): What’s she doing with lemons?
(Jan puts one half of the lemon on her face.)
Cindy: I guess she wants sour skin.
(She takes the bowl and goes into the bathroom with it. She rubs the lemon on her face some more and she hears Greg and Peter come in.)
Peter: You should have seen the neat girl Clark Tyson and I walked home with. her name is Jenny Wilmer. Talk about cool.
Greg: Yeah, I saw her. She’s not bad.
Peter: She’s really neat. All the guys in my class are flipped.
Greg: Well, I only saw her from a distance.
Peter: She’s even better up close. Crazy eyes, and lots of freckles. Boy, do they make her look out of sight.
(Jan looks at herself in the mirror.)
Jan: There goes your last excuse. It isn’t the freckles, it’s just dumb old you.
(She starts to cry as the scene fades out.)
(The next scene has Bobby coming down the stairs just as Mike and Carol were about to call the kids for dinner.)
Carol: Bobby honey, would you mind telling everybody dinner is ready?
Bobby: Okay, but what’s the matter with Jan? She sure is acting funny.
Mike: In what way?
Bobby: Well, first she rubbed a lemon on her face, and then she started crying.
Carol: Lemon?
(They go upstairs to talk to Jan. She’s laying on her bed looking morose.)
Carol: Jan. Dinner’s about ready.
Jan: I’m not hungry.
Mike: Hey, hey, what’s the problem? Come on, let’s talk about it.
Jan: There’s nothing to talk about.
Mike: Jan, you’ll only make it worse keeping it to yourself.
Jan: Nobody understands.
Carol (sitting on the bed beside her): Oh, I think we do, Jan. Clark Tyson’s just one boy. One of these days you’ll meet another one.
Mike: You sure will. Hundreds of them.
Carol: You mustn’t feel left out because you don’t have a boyfriend now.
Jan (rising): But I do have a boyfriend.
Mike: Oh, you do.
Jan: He’s one of the nicest boys in the school. And he thinks I’m super cool.
Carol: Oh, that’s wonderful Jan. What’s his name?
Jan: His name is George.
Carol: George what?
Jan: George, uh, (she notices a glass on the other side of the room) Glass. George Glass. I’ll go wash up for dinner, I’m starved.
(She goes to wash up. Carol and Mike are a little skeptical.)
Carol (to Mike): A minute ago, she was never going to eat again. Now she’s starved and has a new boyfriend.
Mike: Hmm, well, go figure out a woman. Even her size.
(They leave the room as we move on to the next scene. Peter is showing Carol and Mike a psychedelic painting he made for Jan as a birthday gift.)
Mike: Wow, that’s pretty wild.
Carol: Way out.
Mike: That’s really something.
Carol: What is it?
Peter: A painting.
Mike: Yeah, the idea has occurred to us.
Peter: I painted it for Jan’s birthday Saturday.
Carol: Oh, she’ll love it, Peter. But you may have to explain what it is.
Peter: It’s supposed to be an elephant walking through some woods.
Mike: Oh, yeah, of course, it’s an elephant.
Carol: Oh, sure, I can see it clearly now. There’s the old elephant right there.
(She points at something on the picture.)
Peter: That’s a clump of trees. the elephant’s over here.
(He taps to where he imagines it is.)
Mike: Oh, well, with this light in here, it’s kind of hard to see.
(The next scene has Jan walking through the kitchen and sees Carol.)
Jan: Hi, Mom.
Carol: Hi, honey. How’s the new boyfriend?
Jan: Huh?
Carol: George.
Jan: Oh, George. terrific. Every day at school he carries my books and my tray in the cafeteria. He’s out of sight.
Mike (coming in): I’m home. (He sees Jan) Hi, pumpkin.
Jan: Hi, Daddy.
(He hugs her and pats her butt. She heads upstairs and runs into Greg and Peter.)
Peter: Hey, what does he look like?
Jan: Who?
Peter: George, your new boyfriend.
Jan: Oh, he’s sort of tall and dark and handsome.
Greg: How come you never said anything about him?
Jan: I don’t go around blabbing. What’s so unusual about having a new boyfriend?
Greg: It just seems funny you never said anything about him.
Peter: Yeah, how come he never phones or anything?
Jan: Don’t worry, he will.
(She goes upstairs and into the parents’ room. She gets on the phone.)
Jan: Hello, operator? Will you call back on 762-0799? There may be something wrong with our bell. Thank you.
(She leaves the room and goes down the stairs, just as the family is getting ready for dinner. The phone rings and Greg heads over to get it.)
Jan (rushing to the phone): I’ll get it.
Greg: Sure.
Jan: Hello. This is Jan. Oh, hi, George. It’s so thoughtful of you to call. Excuse me, George. (She gets off for a minute to talk to Peter and Greg) Do you mind? This is a personal phone call. Yes, George. I’m listening.
(Mike goes over to Greg and Peter.)
Mike: Okay, you guys.
(He gets them to give Jan her privacy. We move to the next scene, with the family at the dinner table.)
Marcia: The other girls were absolutely green with envy when this real cute boy started talking to me.
Mike (laughing): What boy? Gordon?
Marcia: Oh, Dad. I’m talking about Tommy.
Carol: Oh, Mike. You’re out of it. Gordon was weeks ago.
Greg: You need a computer to keep up with her boyfriends.
(Alice comes out to serve more food. Jan rushes to the family room.)
Jan (to Alice): We forgot the pickles.
Alice: Well, I’ll get them.
Jan: No, I’ll go.
(She gets on the phone and calls the operator again.)
Jan: Hello, operator, we’re having trouble with our phone. Will you call back at 762-0799, please. Thank you.
(She goes out to join the family and Alice goes back in the kitchen.)
Alice: Hey, where are the pickles?
Jan: I guess we’re out of them. (She sits down for dinner and the phone rings again) I’ll get it.
(She gets up and almost bumps into Alice, who comes out to serve biscuits to the family.)
Alice: Ah, I’ll put up a sign saying watch out for housekeeper crossing highway.
Carol: Oh, thanks, Alice.
Alice: Here you go, Greg.
(Jan rushes to the phone.)
Jan: Hello. Oh, hi George. Sure I can talk. It’s so sweet of you to call, George.
(Alice sees this and goes out to the family to announce Jan’s newfound romance.)
Alice: King George is back on the line.
Greg: His father must own the phone company.
Marcia: Boy, is he giving her the rush.
(The next scene has Mike in his den. Carol comes in to see him.)
Carol: Mind an interruption, dear?
Mike: No.
Carol: I have an inspiration.
Mike: Bring it in, I can use one.
Carol: Well, you know how crazy Jan is about George.
Mike: Yeah.
Carol: Well, why don’t we invite him to her birthday party. That way, she’d have a double surprise.
Mike: Hey, you’re right. that is an inspiration. Of course, we’ll have to find George without letting Jan know.
Carol: Right. Well, I’ll round up the other kids and put them on his trail.
(The next day, Peter comes home and sees Carol, who’s in her room.)
Peter: Hi, Mom.
Carol: Hi, honey. How did it go? what about George?
Peter: I couldn’t find him. There’s no George in Jan’s class.
(Later on, Marcia comes home and sees Mike in his den.)
Marcia: Hi, Dad.
Mike: Hi, honey. Oh, wait a minute. What’s the word on George?
Marcia: A mystery, dad. Really?
Mike: What do you mean?
Marcia: I checked in the attendance office. There’s no George Glass in the whole school.
(Mike looks surprised. Carol and Greg come in with more news.)
Carol: Well, Mike, the mystery of George deepens.
Mike: Oh, yeah, how do you mean?
Greg: I covered this whole area, and there’s no George Glass in this part of town.
Mike: Well, that’s strange.
Greg: Sorry.
Carol: Well, you tried, Greg.
(Greg leaves the den.)
Carol: Mike, are you thinking the same thing I’m thinking?
Mike: Mmm hmm, there’s no George Glass, period.
Carol: Exactly.
Mike: Why honey? Why this problem with boys? She’s bright and attractive.
Carol: I wish I knew. We’d have to ask a boy.
(The next scene has Clark in the kitchen.)
Clark: What did you want to ask me about, Mrs. Brady? (Carol hands him a dish of ice cream) Thank you.
Carol: Well, Clark, we’ve been curious about something. And since you’re in Jan’s class, we thought you might be able tot ell us.
Clark: Well, I’ll try.
Carol: It’s about Jan. How do the boys feel about her?
Clark: They all like her.
Carol: They do.
Clark: Yeah, she’s a real good guy.
Clark: Guy? Clark, Jan is a girl.
Clark: Yeah, but she doesn’t look too much like one. She doesn’t wear groovy clothes and all that kind of stuff.
Carol: You don’t say.
Clark: She’s a swell guy.
Carol: Thanks, Clark. I get the picture.
(The next scene has Peter and Clark outside playing catch, while Peter is helping Marcia washing the car.)
Clark (to Peter): Good arm.
(Mike comes out with a camera.)
Marcia (panicking): Dad! No pictures, I look terrible!
Mike: I’ll make sure to keep you off-camera. (He turns around) Okay, let’s go, Jan.
(Jan comes out wearing a nice dress and Mike takes her picture. Clark is so impressed he drops the ball and looks in bewilderment and admiration. Peter and Marcia look on happily.)
Jan (coming up to Clark): Hi.
Clark: Gee, I didn’t even know it was you.
Jan: Yeah, this (the dress) is kinda dumb, isn’t it?
Clark: What’s so dumb about it? I think it’s cool.
Jan: You mean you like it?
Clark: Yeah, I like it. You make a great looking girl. Wow!
Jan: Gee, thanks.
(Everybody around looks on happily. The next scene has Jan coming home to her surprise party. All her guests come out and yell happy birthday and surprise. Marcia hugs her while the other kids throw confetti on her while Mike and Carol look on with delight.)
Clark (coming up to her): Happy Birthday, Jan.
Jan: Oh, gee, thanks Clark. (She goes up to Carol and Mike) Mom, Dad, it’s terrific. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
Mike: Yeah. One thing, though. How about George?
Jan: Oh, it doesn’t really matter. I’ve given George up. To me, he doesn’t even exist anymore.
(The scene fades.)
(The final scene has the party going on while Mike and Carol are cutting the cake for guests.)
Carol (to a guest): A piece for you. Just one second.
(Mike gives the kid a scoop of ice cream.)
Mike: One scoop coming up. Wham-o.
(Another guests comes for more cake.)
Carol: Seconds? Well, that must be good cake. There you go.
Mike (scooping him ice cream): Wham-o #2. (He throws away the empty ice cream carton while having a small piece of the cake) That’s good. (He turns to Carol) have you tasted this?
Carol: Yeah, it’s thick and rich and gooey. (She takes another taste) Just the way I love it.
Mike: Well, I think the party’s a swinging success.
Carol: Yep, one down, two to go.
Mike: What do you mean?
Carol: Well, first, Marcia had a boyfriend problem, then it was Jan. Cindy’s next.
Mike: Cindy? She’s only 8 years old. She won’t be interested in boys for (Pause) a couple weeks yet. (They notice a boy kiss Cindy’s cheek) I think I’d like to amend that prediction.
Brady Bunch Scriptman 