S2 E14 Where There’s Smoke

Where There’s Smoke Written by David P. Harmon

Greg is caught smoking cigarettes with some of his buddies. Things get worse when a pack is found in his jacket. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

TOMMY JOHNSON, Greg’s friend

MRS. JOHNSON, Tommy’s mother

JOHNNY AND PHIL, friends of Greg’s

(The episode begins with Greg at his school. He sees his friends Tommy, Johnny and Phil, and goes over to talk to them.)

Greg: Hey, hi, you guys.

Tommy: Hey Greg, come here.

Phil: Tommy says you play a little guitar.

Greg: Yeah, I play a little.

Tommy: Yeah, Johnny, Phil and I got a group together.

Johnny: The Banana Convention.

Greg: Sure, I heard all about you guys.

Tommy (holding a cigarette): Uh, we got a date to play this dance over at Stephen Decatur High School on Saturday night.

Johnny: It’s gonna be a really big show, really big.

Tommy: Yeah, we need an extra guitar for the gig.

Phil: You available?

Greg: To play?  Oh, sure, I’m available.

Tommy: Of course, we’ll have to get together for a couple of sessions.

Greg: Great. Only my amplifier needs a little work. (Tommy offers Greg a cigarette) Uh, Tommy.

Tommy: Hey man, they’re just plain cigarettes.

(Johnny and Phil nod to him in encouragement.)

Greg: Yeah, sure.

(Johnny lights it for him.)

Johnny: You think you can get your amp ready by Saturday night?

Greg: Oh sure. (He coughs) I hope so.

Tommy: Then it’s a deal, you guys.

Greg: You guys play hard rock, right?

Tommy: Yeah, most of the time.

Phil: But we mix it up with a few slow ballads, you know.

Greg: Ah.

(He continues to cough as Jan and Cindy come by.)

Jan (to Cindy): She’s always trying to make a joke out of it when she goofs off. You know.

(They see Greg smoking and coughing.)

Cindy: Greg’s smoking.

(Jan and Cindy watch in disappointment as Greg continues smoking and coughing. The scene fades away.)

(The next scene has Cindy running into her room up to Jan.)

Cindy: She’s (Marcia) coming up the stairs!

Jan: Now Cindy, let me tell her.

(Marcia appears.)

Marcia: Hi.

Jan: Hi, Marcia. Can we talk about something important?

Cindy: Something real bad.

Jan (sternly): Cindy!

Cindy (defiantly): I didn’t even mention Greg.

Marcia: What about Greg?

Cindy: He was smoking.

Jan (upset): Cindy, that’s the last time I’ll ever trust you.

Marcia: Are you sure about Greg smoking?

Jan (nodding): Cindy and I saw him. He was standing in the park with three other boys, and he was smoking.

Marcia: You’re sure it didn’t just look like he was smoking?

Jan: No, he was smoking.

Cindy: With a real cigarette.

Marcia: What you’re telling me is very serious. Now tell me exactly what you saw.

Jan: Well, he was standing there, and he had a cigarette in his hand. And then he put it in his mouth.

Marcia: And then?

Cindy: And then he coughed a lot.

Marcia: He was smoking all right.

Jan: Should we tell Mom and Dad?

Cindy: Yeah, let’s go.

(She starts to run but Jan stops her.)

Marcia: Wait a minute, don’t either of you tell anyone. don’t say a thing until I figure out what we should do.

(Greg is in his room playing guitar and singing while Bobby and Peter look on in admiration.)

Greg (singing): Clowns never laughed before, beanstalks never grew, ponies never ran before till I met you. Boats never rowed before and artists never drew, snow never fell before till I met you. My dream came true, my dream came true, the world spins, my life begins ’cause I met you. Phones never rang before, wise men never knew, no one ever loved before till I met you.

(Carol is listening downstairs as Mike walks in.)

Mike: Hi, honey.

Carol: Shh, shh.

Mike: first a kiss and then a sh. (He kisses her and then hears Greg) Hey, he’s got a pretty good voice.

Carol: Yeah, just shows that talent is inherited.

Mike: Hmm, must’ve gotten it from my side of the family.

Carol: Oh!

Mike: I’m going to go up and change.

(Suddenly, they hear a discordant sound of a guitar.)

Carol: Yep, that is your side of the family.

Mike: Sounds like he caught his fingers in the strings.

(Mike and Carol go up the stairs. Mike goes in the boys’ room to inspect the problem.)

Mike: Hey, what’s going on in here.

Greg: He’s been pestering me for an hour so I let him try it.

Bobby: And now I got my fingers caught between the strings.

Mike (loosening his tie): It sounds like it.

(Bobby’s hand finally gets free of the guitar.)

Bobby: Wow, I may never play again.

Greg: Hey Dad, can I speak to you for a minute?

Mike: Yeah, I guess so.

Greg (to Peter and Bobby): This is private, okay guys?

Peter: Okay.

Bobby: What do you mean private?

Greg: I mean you get out.

(He grabs his arm and pushes him out.)

Peter: Okay, Greg.

Bobby: Come on, Greg, just a little while longer!

Mike: Good-bye.

(Peter and Bobby leave.)

Mike: Sounds important, is it?

Greg: Yes it is, you ever heard of the Banana Convention?

Mike: Banana Convention, is that the famous meeting in Panama in 18-whenever it was?

Greg: No, it’s a rock group.

Mike (sitting down and laughing): A rock group?

Greg: Yeah, some guys at school. They’re really heavy.

Mike: That doesn’t mean they’re overweight, I take it.

Greg: Right. They want me to play a gig with them Saturday night at Stephen Decatur High. Isn’t that a gas?

Mike: Yeah, that’s a gas. Listen, Greg, this gig, is it for the real thing, for money? For bread?

Greg: Well, we’ll get paid something, I don’t know how much.

Mike: Okay. As far as I’m concerned, it’s all right. I’ll have to check with your mother.

Greg: Great Dad, oh, by the way, can I have an advance on my allowance? I have to have a little work done on my amplifier.

Mike: Well, I guess I might extend you a loan in view of your future earnings.

Greg: Fine. Only…

Mike: Only what?

Greg: How much interest will I have to pay?

Mike: I’m your father, Greg. I’m not going to charge you interest.

Greg: I’m Peter’s brother and I charge him 25%.

Mike: 25%? that is against the law.

Greg: You know that and I know that, but until Peter finds out.

Mike: All right, well, I think with us it will be an interest free loan.

Greg: it’s a deal.

(The next scene has Marcia wandering into the kitchen.)

Alice: Dinner won’t be ready until the biscuits rise.

Marcia: I don’t think I’m very hungry.

Alice: Something on your mind?

Marcia: Uh-huh.

Alice: Can I help? Just girl to girl?

Marcia: Well, it’s not exactly my problem. I mean, well, it’s sort of my friend’s problem.

Alice: Oh, well, uh, those are the toughest kind to solve.

Marcia: This one’s a real beauty.

Alice: Why don’t you give me a hint. Maybe I could, you know, help this friend of yours.

Marcia: Well, this friend, she has a brother, and she’s sort of close to him.

Alice: So far, it’s not a problem.

Marcia: Well, she has it from an absolutely reliable source that her brother has done something wrong. Now, if she tells on him, is it, is it snitching?

Alice: Hmm, There’s a simple way to solve that.

Marcia: There is?

Alice: Yeah. if she tells, is she helping him out of trouble or into trouble.

Marcia: Oh out, definitely out.

Alice: Then my advice is to tell your friend it is not snitching.

Marcia: Oh, thanks, Alice.

(She kisses Alice on the cheek. The next scene has Marcia telling her parents in Mike’s den.)

Mike: Honey, if it’s so important, just say it.

Marcia: Honest, Dad, I want to tell you only it’s not that easy.

Carol: Well, is it something you did?

Marcia: If it was that, I’d tell you in a second.

Mike: Well then, is it something someone else did?

Marcia: Yes, something that Greg did.

Mike: Oh I get it, you don’t want to squeal on your brother, right?

Marcia: Well if I tell, will you promise not to punish him?

Carol: Now Marcia, that wouldn’t be fair to Greg or to us.

Marcia: I guess not.

Mike: Look Marcia, we know you wouldn’t be here unless you thought he was making a very bad mistake or he was hurting someone.

Marcia: Himself, that’s who he was hurting.

Carol: Well, in that case, I definitely think you should tell us.

Marcia: This afternoon after school, Greg was smoking a cigarette. (Carol and Mike look upset) I knew I shouldn’t have told you.

Carol: Honey, listen, you did the right thing in telling us.

Marcia: If I’m so right, how come I feel so terrible?

(She leaves the den. The next scene has Carol and Mike talking to Greg about his misdeed.)

Mike: Is it true, Greg?

Greg: Yeah, I guess it is. But it was the first time I ever smoked. I only took a few puffs. I didn’t even like it.

Carol: That doesn’t make it any better.

Greg: I really didn’t even want the cigarette, I just wanted to go along and be one of the guys.

Mike: Listen, you can’t do something that you know is wrong just to go along with the guys, it’s stupid.

Greg: Yeah, it’s not a very good excuse.

Carol: I’m afraid it’s no excuse.

Mike: Well look, we don’t want you to smoke. Eventually you’ll have to make your own decision and I hope it’s the right one. But for now…

Greg: I’ve blown the chance to play at the dance and get that loan to fix my amp.

Mike: No, I gave you my word on that and I intend to keep it.

Greg: Well, I must have some punishment coming.

Carol: Look Greg, if you know what you did was wrong, I mean, that’s more important than any punishment we can think of.

Greg: I do, Mom, I really do.

Mike: Well, after all, when I was young, I smoked.

Carol: Yes honey, but we didn’t have all the evidence that we do now.

Greg: You’re right, Mom. I promise, no more smoking. I didn’t think about it, I guess I really did a dumb thing.

Mike: Well, we all do dumb things. I’ve done a lot of dumb things. (He starts to laugh) I really did.

Carol: Well, you won’t get an argument form me.

(Next, Carol is in the kitchen discussing the situation with Alice.)

Carol: Well, the trouble is Alice, until some things hit home, you just never do anything about them.

Alice: Ain’t it the truth?

Carol (getting on the phone): Mrs. Johnson has been after me for a month to join her anti-smoking committee. So, I guess now is good a time as any. Hello, Mrs. Johnson? This is Carol Brady. Listen, could you still use some help on that committee?

Mrs. Johnson: We certainly can. we still have a big smoking problem in high school.

Carol: Well you can count me in, when are your meetings?

Mrs. Johnson: Friday afternoons, but this Friday we had to cancel.

Carol: Oh.

Mrs. Johnson: It was going to be at Cynthia Heller’s house, but Cynthia came down with the flu.

Carol: Well, look, Mrs. Johnson, if you need a place to meet, why not my house?

Mrs. Johnson: Oh, that would be wonderful, I’ll… (Her son Tommy starts playing the drums in the background) Excuse me, just a second. Tommy, would you please wait until I’m off the phone! (getting back to Carol) I’m sorry, my son was practicing.

Carol: Oh, that’s okay, Greg told me he’s joining Tommy’s group. He says they’re far out and really heavy.

Mrs. Johnson: My son said they really know where they’re heads are at.

Carol: Well, right on, man. (She puts her thumb up) I’ll see you Friday.

Mrs. Johnson: Oh, maybe I should drop by and leave you some reading material and some pamphlets. Tomorrow afternoon okay?

Carol: Fine. Bye, now.

(She hangs up.)

Alice: Will tea and cakes be enough for your meeting?

Carol: Sure, Alice, that will be fine.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, those women on the anti-smoking committee. Tell them I’ll be watching.

Carol: Watching?

Alice: if I find one dirty ashtray…

(Carol laughs. Greg is upstairs in his room, listening to his song on the recorder. Marcia comes in to speak to him.)

Marcia: Greg.

Greg: Oh, hi.

Marcia: Can we talk?

Greg: Sure. (He turns the music off) Come on in. (she shuts the door and looks at him upset) is something wrong?

Marcia: I did a terrible thing.

Greg: Well, if you did it, it can’t be all that bad.

Marcia: You’d think it was just awful.

Greg: Well, no matter what I think, you can count on me to help.

Marcia: That only makes me feel worse! You see, this terrible thing I did, I did to you.

Greg: Well, then, how come I don’t know about it?

Marcia: You know about it, all right. I snitched to the folks about your smoking.

Greg (upset): Thanks a lot, Marcia.

Marcia: You’ll probably never want to talk to me again.

(She starts to walk out of the room.)

Greg (getting up): Hey, hey, hold it.

Marcia: Then you’re not mad?

Greg: Well, sure I’m mad. But not so much about the snitching. Why didn’t you come to me first?

Marcia: You just would have said to mind my own business.

Greg: Yep, that’s what I would’ve said, all right.

Marcia: I only did it because I thought it was for your own good.

Greg: I know.

Marcia: Did the folks punish you bad?

Greg: No, no, they didn’t punish me at all.

Marcia (surprised): They didn’t?

Greg: Well, don’t sound so disappointed.

Marcia: Boy, if I’d been in their place, I would’ve given it to you good.

Greg: I guess I was lucky I was born when I was.

Marcia: What do you mean?

Greg: Well, if I’d been born any later, you could’ve been my mother instead of my sister.

(Marcia laughs. Mrs. Johnson shows up to give Carol some anti-smoking magazines and pamphlets. There is one that says Smoking is very glamorous.)

Carol: Well, I’ll certainly read all these pamphlets, Mrs. Johnson.

Mrs. Johnson: And maybe you can help us think of a new campaign angle. Straight lectures really turn these kids off.

Carol: Yeah, I’ll bet.

(As Mrs. Johnson is ready to leave, Greg comes home.)

Greg: Hi, mom.

Carol: Oh, hi, Greg.

Greg: Hi, Mrs. Johnson.

Mrs. Johnson: Hello Greg. have you by any chance seen my son?

Greg (taking his jacket off): Yeah, I left Tommy about 10 minutes ago. H said he was on his way home.

Mrs. Johnson: Oh good, I have to take him to the dentist.

Carol: Oh, dear.

(They both laugh. Greg throws his jacket on a chair.)

Carol: Greg, the chair is to sit on and the jacket goes in the closet.

Greg: Right.

(Greg picks up his jacket to hang it up but a pack of cigarettes fall out.)

Carol (shocked): Greg.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Carol picking them up.)

Carol: Well Greg?

Greg: Mom, they’re not mine.

Mrs. Johnson: They fell out of your pocket, Greg.

Greg: Yes ma’am.

Carol: Were you keeping them for someone else?

Greg: No.

Carol: Well then, how did they get there?

Greg: I don’t know. but they’re not mine. Honest, Mom.

Carol: All right Greg, if you say so.

Mrs. Johnson (astonished): Mrs. Brady, I can understand you wanting to believe your own son.

Carol: He said they weren’t his.

Mrs. Johnson: If parents refuse to open their eyes, you are doing what our committee is trying to prevent.

Carol: Mrs. Johnson, maybe, maybe I’m the wrong person for your committee.

Mrs. Johnson: You know I want to work with you. But if you cannot accept the fact that your own son…

Greg: Mrs. Johnson, I told you they’re not mine.

Carol: That’s what he said.

Mrs. Johnson: I’m sorry Mrs. Brady, I really am.

(Mrs. Johnson leaves. Carol and Greg go in the living room to discuss the situation.)

Greg: Do you really believe me, Mom?

Carol: Yes.

Greg: Because I’m your son or you think I’m telling the truth?

Carol: Because I think you’re telling the truth.

Greg: If I was in your place, I’m not sure I’d believe me.

Carol: Well, Greg, someday when you’re a parent, maybe you’ll see things differently.

Greg: I wonder if Dad will believe me.

(Greg is in Mike’s den.)

Mike: Yes, I believe you.

Greg: Okay Dad, thanks.

(He starts to walk away. Mike gets up.)

Mike: Greg, wait a minute. Okay, what’s bugging you?

Greg: How those cigarettes got there.

Mike: Yeah, well, that isn’t all, is it?

Greg: Nope.

(He sits down.)

Mike: Well, we got a rule in this family, (Mike and Greg both) Lay it on the table. (Mike) That’s right.

Greg: All right, I get caught with something that looks pretty bad, and neither you or Mom think I’m guilty.

Mike: Well, so.

Greg: So how can you be so sure?

Mike: Greg, from time to time you’ve done things I haven’t liked very much, but so far you haven’t lied to me.

Greg: No sir, I never have.

Mike: Well, I don’t see any reason to think this is the first time. I’ll admit I can’t quite figure out how that pack got in your pocket.

Greg: Neither can I. I’m going to prove you and Mom were right for trusting me. I’m going to find out how those cigarettes got there.

(The next day, Greg is coming home from school and Bobby stops to ask him a question.)

Bobby: Greg, Greg. Wait a minute. I think I got it all figured out, about the cigarettes.

Greg: Yeah?

Bobby: Do you have any enemies?

Greg: Enemies? Yeah, I guess so. Everybody’s got enemies.

Bobby: That’s it. They’re trying to rub you out.

Greg: Rub me out? Oh, come on, that’s dumb.

Bobby: I mean get you kicked off the basketball team.

Greg: I’m not on the basketball team!

Bobby: Oh.

(Greg goes inside the house and follows. Next, he’s in the family room, still pondering over the cigarettes.)

Greg: There’s got to be an explanation. I’ve been thinking about this so hard my head is about to pop. There’s got to be an explanation how they got there.

(Cindy raises her hand.)

Greg: Yeah, Cindy?

Cindy: Maybe it was magic.

(Greg makes a disgusted look. That evening, the boys are in bed. Peter suddenly wakes up and turns the lamp on.)

Peter: I got it! I got it!

Greg: What?

Peter: The pack of cigarettes, did you look inside?

Greg: No, why?

Peter: I bet it had a secret microfilm in it. (Greg groans and goes back to bed) They always have it in all the spy movies.

(Greg throws his pillow at him.)

Bobby: Now down to me, Pete.

(Peter throws the pillow at Bobby and he sleeps with two pillows. Greg goes to sleep without one.)

(The next day, Greg is in the kitchen with Alice. He is further discussing the matter.)

Greg: I just don’t get it. I’ll bet I was up half the night trying to figure out how those cigarettes got in my pocket.

Alice: Well if you ask me, you’re going about this the wrong way.

Greg: I am?

Alice: Yep, what you got to do is try to reconstruct the crime.

Greg: Yeah?

Alice: Yeah, it’s the only way. I watch a lot of television.

Greg: Okay, reconstruct the crime.

Alice: Okay, now, let’s start with the first thing you did that day.

Greg: I rode my bike to school.

Alice: Uh huh.

Greg: I put my jacket in my locker and went to all my classes.

Alice: Did you loan your locker key to anybody?

Greg: No.

Alice: Does anybody else have a key to your locker?

Greg: The boys’ vice-principal has a master key.

Alice: Well, we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. What did you do after school?

Greg: I went to practice with the group for the dance.

Alice: Ah, now we’re getting someplace.

Greg: Alice, there was no one there but the guys in the group. They wouldn’t do that to me.

Alice: So after practice you stopped at the malt shop, right.

Greg: Right.

Alice: Okay, you hung up your jacket, you got yourself a (Pause) Oh, forget that.

Greg: Huh?

Alice: You never hang up anything.

Greg (discouraged): It’s no use, Alice. All the evidence points to me, even if I’m not guilty.

Alice: Well, sometimes evidence just looks like real evidence when it’s really circumstantial. Or partially circumstantial and thereby being unsupported or hearsay.

Greg: What does that mean?

Alice: I don’t know but it saved some guy’s life last night on TV.

Greg: Thanks, anyway. I guess I’ll go to my room.

(He leaves his jacket on the chair.)

Alice: Hey, wait a minute. Hang up your jacket. (She checks it over) On second thought, don’t hang it up.

Greg: Why not?

Alice: It’s not your jacket.

Greg: What do you mean?

Alice: You ripped the lining on the handlebars last month. I remember, I sewed it up.

Greg: This one’s never been mended.

Alice: So whoever this jacket’s is, the cigarettes are his too.

Greg (pleased): Alice, you’re a genius.

Alice: Well, genius no. Chief of detectives, maybe.

(The doorbell rings.)

Greg: Thanks, Alice, I’ll get it.

(Greg answers the door and it’s his friend Tommy.)

Tommy: Hi Greg.

Greg: Oh hi, come on in.

Tommy (pointing to his jacket): Oh, there it is. I got yours by mistake.

Greg: This one’s yours?

Tommy: Yeah, I found a test paper of yours in the pocket here, so I knew it was yours.

Greg: Guess what I found in yours.

Tommy: What’s that?

Greg: A pack of cigarettes.

Tommy: Oh, wow, I’m sure glad my Mom didn’t find out.

Greg: My Mom did.

Tommy: Well, listen, my Mom’s out in the car waiting for me. Let me have my jacket now and hey, we’ll straighten this out later.

Greg: No, we’ll straighten it out now. (He has Tommy come in the living room with him) Mom, Dad!

Tommy: Look, hey, all I want is my jacket.

Greg: Yeah, not until you tell my parents.

Tommy: Tell them what?

Greg: The cigarettes are yours and not mine.

(Mike and Carol come out.)

Carol: Oh, hi, Tommy.

Mike: Hello, Tommy. How are you?

Tommy: Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.

Greg (to Tommy): Well, tell them.

Mike: Tell us. Tell us what?

Tommy: The cigarettes weren’t Greg’s. They’re mine.

Greg: Our jackets got mixed up.

Carol: Well, that explains a lot.

Tommy: Mr. and Mrs. Brady, do we have to tell my mother about this?

Mike: Well, Tommy, what do you think?

Tommy: If you knew how mad she’d get, you’d try to think of something else.

Carol: Well, do you think that’s fair to Greg?

Tommy: No, but my mom can’t punish him.

Greg: I don’t want to get Tommy into trouble, couldn’t we just forget about it.

Mike: Do you think we should forget about it?

(Mrs. Johnson comes in.)

Mrs. Johnson: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Brady, I just came to see what was keeping Tommy so long. We’ve got to pick up Mr. Johnson at the airport.

Tommy: Just a minute, Mom.

Mrs. Johnson: Listen, if your father has to wait, he will be very upset.

Tommy: I’m afraid he’s going to be very upset anyway. The cigarettes were mine.

Mrs. Johnson: Cigarettes? what cigarettes?

Tommy: The ones you thought were Greg’s. See, we switched jackets by mistake.

Mrs. Johnson: Oh, I see. I certainly owe Greg an apology. I’m really very sorry.

Greg: Yes, ma’am.

Mike: Well, if I were waiting at a crowded airport…

Carol: Mrs. Johnson, how about next Friday.

Mrs. Johnson: Yes, next Friday.

Tommy: Mom, can we talk about before we pick up Dad?

Mrs. Johnson (furious): I expect we will talk about it before and after we pick up your father. Now, come along, Tommy.

(She angrily grabs his arm as they leave.)

Greg: Good luck, Tommy.

Tommy: Yeah, I’m sure gonna need it. See you.

(They leave.)

Greg (to the parents): I’m sure glad that’s over. I’m gonna go tell Marcia.

Carol: Not yet.

Greg: What’s wrong?

Mike: Looks like you’re back in trouble.

Greg: What did I do now?

(Carol points to his jacket, which he left on the couch.)

Carol: Hang it up.

(Greg picks it up and checks it again)

Mike: What’s wrong?

Greg: Oh nothing. I just wanted to make sure it was mine.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Greg coming home from the dance and talking to Mike and Carol. He knocks on their bedroom door.)

Mike: Come in.

Greg: I’m home.

Carol: Hi, honey. How did your group do at the dance tonight?

Greg: It was kind of a kicky blast. The guys really had it together and wailed and bent the gig out of shape. Good night.

Carol: Good night.

Mike: Got it all together and really wailed? (He starts laughing) How about that?

Carol: Really bent the gig out of shape. I wonder if that’s good or bad.

Mike: Beats me.

Carol: It’s funny, kids have a language of their own.

Mike: Yeah, so do we.

Carol: We do?

Mike: Mmm hmm. I’ll show you. Ours?

Carol: Listen, I hear you talking and I dig what you’re saying, man.

      THE END