Will The Real Jan Brady Please Stand Up?
Written by Al Schwartz and Bill Freedman
Jan buys a brunette to try standing out from her sisters. Hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
LUCY WHITAKER, Jan’s friend
MARGIE WHIPPLE, another friend
(The episode begins with Jan coming home from school. She puts her books and her sweater on the stairs, then walks into the kitchen, where she sees Carol and Marcia.)
Jan: Hi, Mom.
Carol: Hi, honey. How was school today?
Carol: Alice made some of your favorite cookies if you’re hungry.
Jan: Good, I am.
(She pours Jan a glass of milk.)
Marcia: Mmm. Here, this is for you.
(She hands her a letter.)
Jan: Oh. (She reads it) Hey, it’s an invitation to Lucy Whitaker’s birthday party. (Marcia smiles) Who opened it?
Marcia: I did, but it wasn’t my fault. Look at the envelope.
Jan (reading the envelope): Marcia Brady? How come my invitation was addressed to you?
Marcia: I don’t know. Lucy’s your friend, so I called her and checked it out.
Jan: Well, what did she say?
Marcia: Well you know, just one of those things. She made a mistake and put my name instead of yours.
(Jan gets upset and goes in the family room to see Carol, who is collecting clothes for laundry.)
Carol: Yes, honey.
Jan: Did you hear about Lucy Whitaker’s invitation?
Carol: Well, I did hear Marcia calling about it.
Jan (upset): Why does this always happen to me?
Carol: Why does what always happen?
Jan: People are always forgetting who I am. I’m always Marcia’s younger sister or Cindy’s older sister. I’m in the middle, and being in the middle is like being invisible.
Carol: Oh, Jan, I really think you’re making too much out of this. I mean after all, you are the one who was invited to the party.
Jan (to herself): They won’t even know I’m there. (She starts reading a magazine. there’s a page with many people, the top of the page states Who stands out in a crowd) Jan Brady will, that’s who.
(She puts the magazine down and walks away. The scene fades.)
(The next scene has Peter coming into the den to see Mike.)
Peter: Dad, can I talk to you?
Mike (working on a design): Sure Peter, just a minute.
(Mike is still working and Peter starts to whistle. Mike gets a little annoyed. Peter then walks to Mike’s other side and then back.)
Mike (impatiently): Peter, what is it you want?
Peter: Well, I was wondering if I could have an advance on my allowance.
Mike: Advance on your allowance? I just gave you your allowance for this week.
Peter: Well, I was thinking more like an advance on next week’s.
Mike: What happened to this week’s?
Peter: Well, I saw the chance for a really great business deal, so I lent everything I had to Jan, $4.49. At 20% interest.
Mike: What does Jan need all that money for?
Peter: She didn’t say.
Mike: Well, what do you need the money for?
Peter: Well, I was invited to Lucy Whitaker’s party, too. So I guess I better get her a present.
Mike: Well, that’s probably what Jan wanted the money for. How much do you need?
Peter: Mmm. 49 cents.
Mike: 49 cents? Why exactly 49 cents?
Peter: Well, I figure that’s how much she spent on my birthday present, so I don’t want to embarrass her by getting her something too good.
Mike: Well, that’s very considerate, Peter. (He goes in his pocket and takes 50 cents out) Here, you owe me a penny.
Peter: Got it already. (He takes a penny out of his pocket) There.
Mike: Thanks. (Peter looks on Mike’s desk) Good bye, Peter.
(Peter leaves the den. We next see Jan down at the department store.)
Saleswoman (to Jan): Are you looking for someone, dear?
Jan: Oh no, ma’am, I’m looking for a wig.
Saleswoman: You mean for yourself?
Jan: Yes ma’am.
Saleswoman: I think your own hair is nice. I love it. I don’t know why you want to change it.
Jan: I think you’d probably know why if you had two blonde sisters at home.
Saleswoman: Oh, I see the problem. We want a complete change, do we?
Jan: Yes ma’am, that’s what we want.
Saleswoman: Well now, what style wig did you have in mind?
Jan: Oh, I don’t know. Something crazy, kind of like the style you’re wearing.
Saleswoman (laughing weakly): Uh, it’s my own hair.
Jan: I’m sorry.
Saleswoman: Not half as sorry as I am. (She looks in another direction) Well, let’s see what we got here. There’s early rust, Pompeii pumice, lunar dust, here’s no.
(Jan finds another wig.)
Jan: Hey, this one’s kinda nice.
Saleswoman: Oh yes, that’s your midnight temptress. (Jan tries it on) Listen, don’t you think it’s a little, uh, mature?
Jan: Well, I’m older than I look, I’m 12.
Saleswoman (sarcastically): That old. You carry it very well.
Jan (smiling): Thank you. Midnight temptress, huh.
Saleswoman: That’s right.
Jan (taking it off): Well, I don’t think I’ll be up that late. (She hands it back to the saleswoman) Do you mind if I kinda look around?
Saleswoman: Oh, not at all. And listen, with each and every purchase you get a free Styrofoam head.
(She gives Jan a funny look. Jan notices another wig.)
Jan: Hey, that one’s kinda different.
(She goes off to try it on.)
Saleswoman: Oh, no no no! I wouldn’t recommend that.
Jan: Why not?
Saleswoman: It’s a handbag, and it should be over here. (She puts it where it belongs) Helen, Helen, how many times do I have to tell you never to mix the merchandise Helen, it’s tacky.
Jan: Well, well, I think I’ll keep looking.
Saleswoman (to Helen): It’s embarrassing. A little girl almost walked out of the store wearing this on her head.
(The next scene has Jan coming home with a brunette wig she purchased. She goes into the bathroom to try it on. Meanwhile, Cindy and Marcia are in their room, with Cindy standing on the bottom drawer of their dresser.)
Marcia (laughing): Cindy, what are you looking for?
Cindy: Hair ribbons. I can’t go over to Jenny’s house with out them, or she’ll get mad.
Cindy: Because they’re her hair ribbons. We swapped yesterday.
Marcia: When was the last time you saw them?
Cindy: Last night when I took them off. Hey, maybe they’re in the bathroom.
(She and Marcia head over to the bathroom to look for them. Jan has the door locked while wearing her wig. Cindy knocks on the door.)
Jan: Whoever it is, I’m in here.
Cindy: Jan, let me in. I have to get my hair ribbons.
Jan: Come back later.
(Cindy continues to knock, then Marcia starts knocking.)
Marcia: Come on, Jan, open up! Will you let us in?
(Jan opens the door and hands Cindy the ribbons. She and Marcia grab Jan’s arm to keep the door open and get in. They notice the wig.)
Cindy: Jan, what happened? The top of your head turned black.
Jan: Don’t be silly, it’s a wig.
Marcia: Where did you get that?
Jan: I bought it this morning. What do you think?
Marcia: Jan, I think it looks awful.
Jan: Who asked for your opinion?
(Meanwhile, Carol and Alice are downstairs working on the dress for Jan to wear to the party.)
Carol: Oh, I always liked this dress on Jan. (Alice mumbled something with a pin in her mouth) You too, huh? (Alice mumbles something else) Yeah, I agree. Well, i hope we got it right this time.
(Alice continues to mumble and Mike comes by.)
Mike: Honey, have you seen those blueprints I brought home?
Carol: Alice, have you seen Mr. Brady’s blueprints? (Alice mumbles again to Carol) She said they’re upstairs in the bedroom.
Mike (surprised): How can you tell what she said?
Carol: Oh, very simple.
Mike (laughing): Women.
Carol: Honey, listen, if you’re going upstairs, could you send Jan down? I want her to try this on again.
(Cut back to the girls room.)
Marcia: Jan, you can’t wear that to Lucy Whitaker’s birthday party.
Jan: I don’t see why not.
Marcia: Because you’ll look like some kind of kook, that’s why.
Jan: You’re just jealous, Marcia.
Cindy: Well I’m not jealous.
Jan: Wait till my friends at the party see me. You know what they’ll say?
Marcia: Mmm hmm. I can think of a lot of things they’ll say.
Jan: Very funny. They’ll say for the first time they’ve seen the real Jan Brady.
Mike (from the hallway): Jan!
Jan: Oh, oh, that’s Dad. I don’t want Mom or Dad to see me before I’m all set.
Marcia: Then you better be ready in a hurry.
(Marcia and Cindy get out of the bathroom. Jan tries to hide the wig.)
Jan: Yes, Dad.
Mike: Your mother wants you.
Jan: You mean now?
Jan: Right now?
Mike: That’s what I said, right now.
Jan (putting a towel over her wig): You mean this very minute, now?
Mike (opening the bathroom door): This very minute, now.
Jan: It’s my hair. I can’t do a thing with it.
(The next scene has Greg and Bobby outside playing basketball.)
Bobby: Hey, when’s Peter coming back?
Greg: I don’t know. He went to buy a present for Lucy.
Bobby: I got something I better tell him.
Bobby: Guess who’s going to be at Lucy Whitaker’s party?
Bobby: Margie Whipple, her brother told me.
Greg: The one Peter said is always chasing after him?
Bobby (nodding): Yeah, making those goofy eyes at him and all that mush.
Greg: He’s gonna love seeing her.
Bobby: We better warn him when he gets back.
Greg: Hey, wait a minute. What would happen if we didn’t tell him Margie Whipple was going to be there?
Bobby: Then he wouldn’t know till he got to the party.
Greg: And spend the whole time with Margie chasing after him, get it?
Bobby: That’d be a dirty trick to play on him.
(Jan goes into the kitchen.)
Jan: You wanted to see me, Mom?
Carol: Jan, I thought you washed your hair yesterday.
Jan: Oh, I did, but, it needed it again.
Carol: Well, come on over here, I want to check the length on this.
Jan: Couldn’t we do it later?
Caro: Jan honey, if you’re going to wear this to the party, we’ve got to do it right now.
Carol: Come on. (she hands it to Alice) Here Alice, you hold it up and I’ll take a look.
Alice (to Jan): Okay, you’re really gonna knock them dead at that party in this dress.
Jan: Thank you.
Alice: Looks great, goes so well with your blonde hair.
Carol: Hold still, Jan. Oh, I think it looks fine, huh.
Alice: Mmm, just right.
(Greg and Bobby come in.)
Greg: Mom, can we have a… (They notice the towel on Jan’s head) Hey, what are you supposed to be, a swami?
Jan: Very funny.
Bobby: What’s a swami?
Greg: It’s like a fortune teller. (They go up to Jan, with Greg using the basketball as a crystal ball) Tell us, swami, what do you see in your crystal ball?
Bobby: Yeah, tell our fortunes.
Jan: Oh, stop that.
Greg: What’s the matter, did you lose your mystic powers?
Bobby: Maybe they’re under her hat.
(He pulls the towel off, exposing Jan’s wig.)
Carol (shocked): Jan! What on earth?
(The boys start laughing.)
Jan (angry): What’s so funny?
Greg: Nothing, if you want to look like Davy Crockett.
Mike (coming into the kitchen): What’s going on in here?
(The boys continue their laughing and ridiculing Jan.)
Bobby: She looks like she’s got a skunk sleeping on top of her head.
Jan (furious): Go away, just leave me alone.
Mike: Greg, Bobby, that’s enough.
Alice (handing Carol the dress): Here, Mrs. Brady. (She goes over to the boys) Come on, guys, I’ll play you a game of two on one.
Jan: I don’t see what’s so funny about my wig.
Mike: Jan, where did you get that?
Jan: I bought it with my own money.
Jan: Because I want to wear it. I want to wear it all the time from now on.
Mike: Honey, why?
Jan: I want to be me. I’m tired of looking like everybody else. I want to be Jan Brady.
Carol: But honey, Jan brady has blonde hair.
Jan: Nobody notices that Jan Brady, but they’ll sure notice this Jan Brady.
Mike: Jan, a person doesn’t make himself different just by putting on a wig.
Carol: It’s what’s inside that counts, not the color of your hair.
Jan: Well then, if the color of my hair doesn’t matter, why can’t I be a brunette?
Mike: Well, honey…
Jan: Please, can I wear it? Please, just to Lucy Whitaker’s party?
Carol: Well, if it means so much to you, and if it’s okay with your father. (Mike nods) Okay.
Jan (pleased): Oh, thanks, you’ll see. Things will be different for me as a brunette.
(The scene fades out.)
(The next scene has Jan in there room with Cindy and Marcia, wearing the wig.)
Jan: I bet I’m the hit of Lucy’s party tonight.
Cindy (to Marcia): How do you think Kitty Karry-All would look with black hair?
Marcia: Same as Jan, silly.
Jan: You think you’re so smart, all you’d have to do is take a look at the three of us. Which one do you think people would notice?
Cindy: Me, I’m the shortest.
(Greg and Bobby are in their room with Greg fixing something.)
Greg (to Bobby): Pliers. (Bobby hands him a monkey wrench.) Does this look like pliers?
Peter (entering the room): Hi.
Greg and Bobby: Hi.
(Bobby starts laughing at him.)
Peter: What’s so funny?
(Peter goes to wrap a present he bought for Lucy.)
Greg: What are you doing?
Peter: What does it look like I’m doing? I’m going to wrap Lucy Whitaker’s present.
(Bobby starts laughing again.)
Greg: Oh, that’s right, the party’s tonight. That ought to be a lot of fun.
Bobby: Yeah, fun.
(He continues laughing.)
Peter: What’s the matter with him?
Greg: Nothing. He’s just got the giggles.
Peter (suspicious): Okay, something is up. (He gets up and moves toward the boys) What is it?
Greg: Nothing at all.
Peter: Come on, Bobby, you know something. Tell me.
Bobby: No I don’t.
Peter: I’ll tickle you.
(They move toward the bed with Peter tickling Bobby.)
Peter: Tell me.
Bobby: Quit tickling!
Peter: Not until you tell me!
Bobby: All right, all right, all right! I’ll tell you.
(He stops tickling.)
Bobby: Somebody is going to be at the party.
Peter (continuing to tickle): Who?
Bobby: Margie, Margie Whipple!
Peter: Oh, no. No.
Greg: You’ll have a great time, Pete.
Peter: Yeah, great, with her chasing me and making dumb faces all night. I’m not going.
Bobby: You gotta go.
Greg: Yeah, you can’t promise to go and take Jan and then not do it. Not unless you were sick or something.
Peter: Yeah, well, just the same, I…
(Peter starts to get an idea.)
Bobby: What’s the matter?
Peter: Boy, am I beginning to feel sick.
(He gets in bed and fakes moaning and groaning. Greg and Bobby get Mike and Carol.)
Greg (to Mike): So I thought you’d better take a look at Peter.
Bobby: Yeah, he doesn’t sound so good.
Greg: He’s kind of moaning.
Bobby: And groaning.
Mike (going up the stairs with them): When did this happen?
Greg: Just a little while ago.
Bobby: All of a sudden.
Carol: Never a dull moment around here.
(Peter gloats at his assumedly fake illness as they enter the room. He pretends to moan.)
Carol: Peter, what’s wrong?
Peter: I don’t know. I just don’t feel so good.
Greg: It kind of hit him all of a sudden.
Bobby: Yeah, like lightning.
Mike (to Greg and Bobby): I think you boys better leave us alone.
Greg; Sure, Dad.
(He and Bobby leave the room.)
Mike: Where does it hurt, Peter?
Peter: Kind of all over. It’s sort of a traveling pain.
Carol: When did it start?
Peter: Just a little while ago. I guess I’ll have to miss Lucy Whitaker’s terrific party.
(Mike and Carol get suspicious.)
Mike: It’s that bad, isn’t it?
Peter: Yeah, I’ll have to miss it all right. Boy, am I unhappy about that.
Mike: Yes, we can see that.
Carol: Mike, don’t you think we better call the doctor?
Mike: Oh, yeah, right away.
Peter (suddenly afraid): Doctor? Well, I’ll be all right. See, I can sit up a little.
Carol: Dear, I really think it’s better if you stay in bed.
Mike: At least for a couple of days.
Peter: But I have a ball game tomorrow!
Carol: Not if you’re sick.
(She sets him back down.)
Peter: Wait, I’ll be all right. I feel much better now.
Carol: I’m sorry Peter, but we can’t take any chances.
Peter: Look. (She jumps off the bed) I’m not sick anymore, see. Can I play in the game tomorrow, please?
Mike: Well, just to make sure you’re okay, Peter, you can take your sister to Lucy Whitaker’s birthday party. If you’re okay after that, then you can play.
Carol: That’s a good idea, Mike. I know Peter would just hate to miss that party.
Peter (sarcastically, to himself): Yeah, I can hardly wait.
(That evening, Peter and Jan are just outside Lucy’s house. Jan is wearing her wig.)
Jan: Come on, Peter. (Peter stalls) What’s the matter with you? You act like you were going to the electric chair.
Peter: It be better than facing that Margie. (Jan rings the doorbell) I think I’ll lock myself in a closet.
Jan: Well, you may not have a good time, but the new Jan Brady is going to be a smash. Now you go in first and sort of announce me. I want to make a big entrance.
(She hides behind a wall as Lucy opens the door.)
Lucy: Oh, hi, Peter.
Peter (giving her a gift): Hi Lucy, happy birthday.
Lucy: Thank you. Margie, Peter’s here!
Peter (bitterly): Did you have to do that?
(Margie comes out and starts holding on to him.)
Margie: Hi, Peter, how are you.
Lucy: Where’s Jan?
Peter: Oh, okay everybody, here’s my sister. The new Jan Brady!
(Jan comes out from behind the wall.)
Jan: Hi there. (Lucy and Margie look at her with great shock. Jan gives a gift to Lucy) Happy Birthday, Lucy. Hi, Margie.
Lucy: Jan, that’s terrific.
Lucy: That’s the funniest joke you ever played.
(Everybody at the party laughs, much to Jan’s dismay.)
Margie: You really look funny.
Lucy: Hey, that would be great for Halloween!
Lucy: Yeah, Halloween.
(Everybody laughs and Jan runs away, hurt and embarrassed.)
Lucy (to Peter): What’s the matter with her?
Peter: Lucy, she didn’t mean it to be a joke.
Lucy: You mean she wasn’t kidding?
(Margie holds on to his arm and smiles. Back at home, Carol and Mike are in the living room watching television. Carol turns off the television in tears.)
Carol: Oh, honey, wasn’t that good?
Mike (looking up from his book): Is it over?
Carol (sternly): Is it over? (She takes his book) You were the one who wanted to watch it.
Mike: Sure, it is one of my favorite shows.
Carol: Oh, I am going to get you.
(She goes to join him on the couch.)
(They hug. Jan comes in upset and with the wig off.)
Jan: Hi, there.
(Carol comes up to her.)
Carol: Honey, what’s the matter?
Jan: They laughed at me. They thought my wig was a joke.
Carol: Oh, sweetheart, I’m sorry.
Jan: Mom, Dad, you were right. I guess I do look like some kind of a freak in this thing.
Mike: Honey, you just don’t look like you.
Carol: Well, Jan, your friends like you just the way you are.
Jan (angry): I sure wasted my money on that thing.
Mike: Oh, well, I’m not so sure. Maybe you learned a valuable lesson very cheaply.
(Peter, Lucy and Margie come in.)
Peter: Why didn’t you wait, Jan? I would’ve walked you home.
Lucy: Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.
Carol: Hi, Lucy.
Mike: Hello girls.
Lucy: Jan, we’re really sorry. We didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. We thought the wig had to be a joke.
Margie: Your own hair is so pretty.
Lucy: We all envy it.
Jan: You do?
Lucy: Will you come back to the party with us, please?
Carol: Oh, honey, why don’t you?
Jan: Well, I’d like to, I guess. Okay.
(She leaves with Lucy while Mike and Carol look on with delight. Peter balks at going.)
Margie: Hey, come on, Peter.
Peter: No chance.
Mike: Hey, Peter, I thought we had an agreement.
Peter (bitterly): Oh yeah, okay, I’ll go.
(He leaves with Margie holding on to him.)
Mike: Yeah, he’s shy. Like father, like son.
Carol: Like heck.
(The scene fades.)
(The final scene has Alice trying on Jan’s wig. Carol and Mike come in from shopping.)
Alice: Uh, ah, I didn’t… Jan gave it to me. What do you think, Mrs. Brady?
Carol: Oh, uh, well, I think it’s, uh, what I mean is it’s, well, what do you think, Mike?
Mike: Uh, uh, well, I think it’s uh, I mean, it’s certainly got a lot of, uh.
Alice: I think I need a third opinion. (She looks in the mirror) Alice, what do you think? It’s unanimous. Oh well, I can always shave it and use it for a shower cap.