Coming Out Party
Written by Alfred Lewis Levitt and Helen Levitt
Mike’s boss, Mr. Phillips, invites the family on a boat trip. The only thing to stand in its way is Cindy, then Carol, need to go to the hospital for a tonsillectomy. Hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(The episode begins at Mike’s office, where he is working on a design. Mr. Phillips, Mike’s boss, comes in.)
Phillips: How’s it going Mike?
Mike: Fine, Mr. Phillips.
Phillips (checking Mike’s design): Very good! That window detail in native stone helped a lot.
Mike: Yeah, I thought they added something.
Phillips: How about adding something else, the Brady family to my boat Saturday. That is, if they’d like a fishing expedition.
Mike: Oh, I’m sure they would. There’s a lot of people, eight.
Phillips: Why not make it nine. Bring your housekeeper. My wife and I really enjoyed that dinner at your home.
Mike: That’s a pretty big invitation.
Phillips: Well, it’s a pretty big boat, and a pretty big ocean. Talk to you about it later.
(He turns and leaves the office.)
Mike: Thanks, Mr. Phillips.
(He gets on the phone to call home, but Carol is on the phone with her chatterbox friend, Ellie. Later on, she is still on the phone.)
Carol: Well, Carter’s has nice towels, Ellie. On sale? Yeah, it would be worth taking a look. How about next Thursday. (Mike comes in the door) Oh, well look, Ellie, I got to go, Mike’s home. No, look. why don’t you call me later. No, I have to go now, Ellie, good-bye. (She hangs up and to Mike) It’s almost impossible to get her off the phone.
(Mike kisses her.)
Carol; Where is everybody?
Mike (calling): Hey kids, kids!
Carol: Is something wrong, Mike?
Mike: No. On the contrary, everything is dandy. (He calls again) come on, gang, on the double!
(Jan, Cindy, Peter and Greg come.)
Jan; We’re here, Dad.
Cindy: On the double.
Mike: Where are, uh, Bobby and Marcia?
Greg: Bobby’s over at Chuck’s.
Jan: Marcia’s at Sue’s.
Mike: We’ll pass the good news on to them later.
Peter: What good news?
Mike: Mr. Philips has invited all of us, including Alice, out on his boat next Saturday for a day of deep-sea fishing.
(The kids all get excited and cheer.)
Carol: Well, Mike, I think the kids have other plans on Saturday.
Jan: We’ll change them.
Cindy: I’ve never been on a boat before.
Greg: I think I’d rather go fishing.
Mike: Then there’s no reason we can’t go. Now, everybody stay healthy and let’s not spoil this trip.
Greg: Hey, Pete, let’s check our fishing gear.
Mike (to Carol);: We better go tell Alice about this.
(Just as everybody leaves in excitement, Cindy lets out a sneeze. The scene fades.)
(The next scene has Alice and the boys outside in the yard. They are trying to convince her to go.)
Alice: Sorry fellas, I’m not going.
Greg: You gotta Alice, Dad’s boss invited you.
Alice: When it comes to boats, just forget about good old Alice. I get seasick when I stir my coffee.
Greg: It’s all in your head, Alice.
Peter: They have pills you can when you go on boats.
Alice: Yeah, I know, I take those when I start up the washing machine.
(They put up a board on some chairs.)
Greg: But we rigged this up just to help you.
Peter: It’ll keep you from getting seasick.
Alice: No, no thanks, no.
Greg (rocking a chair): All you have to do is get used to the motion. At least try it, Alice.
Peter: Yeah, the trip don’t be the same without you.
Greg: We’ll help you up.
(They help her get up on the board.)
Alice (afraid): Oh, oh, what, what, what do I do?
Greg: Pretend you’re out at sea.
Peter: Isn’t it easy?
Alice: Well, we’re not very far out yet.
Greg: Keep your eye on the horizon. Your knees act like springs. You go against the roll of the boat.
Alice: Hey, this isn’t too bad.
Peter: That’s what we told you.
Greg: Now try it the other way.
Alice: What other way?
Greg: Turn sideways, like you’re going into swells.
Alice (turning around): Like this?
Peter: Yeah. You’ll be the best sailor in the family.
Alice: Yeah, I might at that. Then again I might not.
(The next scene has Mike, Alice and the girls outside with him teaching them some fishing procedures.)
Mike: On Mr. Philips’ boat, we’ll be using live bait. Right now, we’ll use this sinker for weight. Okay?
Marcia (holding the rod): Just swing it back and forth?
Mike: Yeah, give it a lot of arm action, though. And aim for the bucket.
(Marcia tries but misses.)
Mike: That’s good Marcia.
Alice: That was marvelous.
Jan: What kind of fish will we catch, Dad?
Mike: Oh, I don’t know. Uh, bass, barracuda, halibut maybe.
Cindy: I want to catch something big, like a whale.
Carol (coming out) Hello, everybody.
Mike: Let’s see how your Mom can do.
Carol: What, are you kidding? I used to go fishing with my father all the time.
Mike: You did, huh.
Carol: Oh, sure. It’s all in the wrist. You just gotta know how to flip the old wrist.
Mike: Okay, be my guest. Just flip away here.
Carol: Okay, watch this, the old sidearmer. Ready?
(She whistles and aims for the bucket. However, the rod winds up in the yard of their next door neighbors, the Dittmeyers.)
Marcia: All the way into the Dittmeyers yard.
Carol: Here we go.
Mike: Uh-oh, I think you’re hung up there.
Alice: I’ll get it.
Carol: Thanks, Alice.
(Alice follows the rod to the fence. She steps on a box to look over the neighbors’ yard.)
Alice: Reel it in, Mrs. Brady.
(Alice sees what it is and goes to tell Carol.)
Alice: Congratulations, Mrs. Brady, you just caught a five pound bag of charcoal.
(The girls laugh.)
Carol: Oh, no.
(Cindy sneezes again. the Bradys’ doctor, Dr. Howard, arrives and examines her.)
Dr. Howard: Well, she’s running a low fever and her tonsils are quite inflamed. We’ve been through this before, Mr. Brady (Mike sighs) They really should come out.
Mike: You mean right away, Doc?
Dr. Howard: I’ll check her again Thursday. But, just in case, I’ll reserve a hospital room for Saturday. Meanwhile, uh, keep her in bed and lots of liquids. (He gets up to leave) I’ll send over a prescription.
Carol: Thank you, Dr. Howard.
Dr. Howard (getting up): I’ll find my own way out. (He turns to Cindy) Good-bye, young lady.
Cindy (weakly): Bye.
Mike: Good-bye, Doc.
Carol: Thanks so much for coming.
Dr. Howard: Not at all.
(Carol shuts the door behind him and then goes over to Cindy.)
Cindy: I want to go on the boat on Saturday.
Mike: Well, we can go some other time. I think your tonsils are more important.
Carol: Almost everyone has to have them out sometime, sweetheart. It’s not so bad.
Mike: Nah, sleep through the whole thing.
Carol: And when you wake up you can have all the ice cream you want. And you won’t be catching colds or getting sore throats anymore.
Cindy: But what if my tonsils get better? Then can I go n Mr. Philips’ boat Saturday?
Mike: Well, if you’re better, and you don’t need them out, yes.
Carol: And if you stay in bed like the doctor said, and lots of liquids.
Mike: You know what liquids are?
Cindy: Sure, water and milk, and even ice cream if you melt it.
(The next scene has Marcia and Jan taking Cindy’s temperature.)
Marcia (to Jan): She still has a slight fever.
Jan: I guess there goes the boat trip.
Cindy: It isn’t my fault. It’s my tonsils fault.
Carol (coming in): Isn’t it a little warm and stuffy in here?
Marcia: Patient’s rooms are supposed to be warm.
Carol: Not stuffy, now let’s leave that door open. You girls are a real big help.
Jan: I’m going to get her some more soup.
Cindy: Oh please, honey, give Alice a fighting chance. You’re using it up faster than she can make it.
Marcia (checking Cindy’s temperature): 101.5
Cindy: When did you take it?
Marcia: Just now.
Jan: And five minutes ago.
Marcia: We take it every five minutes.
Carol: Why don’t you just leave it in her mouth.
Jan: Then she couldn’t eat her soup.
Marcia: You know what the doctor said about liquids, Mom.
Cindy: Soup’s a liquid, even if it has junk in it.
Jan: We want her to get well so we can go on that boat trip.
Marcia: We gave up our ballet for Saturday afternoon.
Carol: Yes, I know all about it. Now why don’t you two Florence Nightingales go get ready for dinner. The relief nurse will take over. (Marcia hands her the thermometer) Thank you.
(Next, Peter and Greg are in their room, sulking about missing the boat trip. Mike comes in.)
Mike: Chow time, men. (They stay and continue brooding) Oh, why the dragging chins?
Greg: Well, with Cindy sick, the boat trip will probably be off.
Mike: Oh yeah. Well, it’s not exactly the end of the world.
Greg: Well, look what we gave up for it.
Peter: Yeah, the Hansons invited Bobby and me to the circus Saturday afternoon, and we turned it down.
Greg: And I gave up a basketball game, they got some guy to replace me.
Peter: Now we don’t even have the boat trip.
Mike: Well, maybe we do.
(Mike is on the phone with Mr. Phillips. Greg and Peter are standing there with him.)
Mike: Two weeks from Saturday would be better for us, Mr. Phillips, if it’s okay with you, of course. Oh yeah, that’d be fine. Thanks very much. I’ll see you in the morning. (He hangs up) All set, men.
Greg: Thanks, Dad.
Peter: Let’s tell the girls.
Alice: So it’s down to the sea again in ships?
Mike: Yeah, you don’t sound too thrilled.
Alice: Well, let’s just say I’m none the mal de merrier.
Mike: Oh, Alice, seasickness is just a state of mind.
Alice: Well, I’m a native of that state. (He picks up a tray) I’d better get this soup up to Cindy, she hasn’t had any in 15 minutes.
Carol (coming in the kitchen): Hmm, looks good. (to Mike) Well, the boys broke the good news.
Mike: Yeah, in two weeks, Cindy ought to be fine.
(The phone rings. Carol answers.)
Carol: Hello. Oh, it’s you, Ellie. Well, I’m just a little busy at the moment, Ellie.
Mike: Be firm, hang up.
Carol (shushing him): Mike, I can’t insult her. (back on the phone) of course, I’m listening, Ellie. (Mike grabs the phone cord and causes the phone to drop. Carol picks it up and puts it back in place) Yes Ellie, yes, sure. Yeah, everything’s just fine. Yeah.
(The next scene has Dr. Howard back at the house to check on Cindy. He is trying to get her to open her mouth so he can check her tonsils.)
Dr. Howard: I just want one look, Cindy.
Cindy: I’m all better.
Mike: Honey, Dr. Howard’s not going to hurt you.
Carol: He just wants to check your tonsils.
Cindy: My tonsils went away.
Dr. Howard: Now please honey, just one little peek.
(Cindy opens her mouth for just half a second.)
Carol: Oh honey, watch Mommy. It’s very simple, just open your mouth wide and the doctor puts the little stick in. (The doctor puts it in Carol’s mouth and she says ah) There, you see, honey.
Dr. Howard: Mrs. Brady, would you mind if I take another peek?
Carol: Oh no, not at all. Now watch, honey. (The doctor puts the stick in again) See honey, there’s nothing to it.
Mike: Now you do what Mommy did.
Carol: Right, it’s your turn now Cindy, come on.
Cindy: Okay, but only one peek.
Dr. Howard: Open wide. (Cindy opens up and says ah) Uh-huh, well, there’s no doubt about it.
Carol: They have to come out?
Dr. Howard: Oh, for sure. (He turns to Mike) Check them into the hospital before 6:00 Friday afternoon.
Mike (astonished): Them?
Dr. Howard: Mrs. Brady, your tonsils are almost as bad as Cindy’s.
Carol: But that’s impossible, Dr. Howard. I mean, I had sore throats every now and then but, well, it feels just fine now.
Cindy: Mine too.
Dr. Howard: Mrs. Brady, there are other symptoms of tonsillitis, and, in adults, it can be more serious if you let them go.
Dr. Howard: Mrs. Brady, if you feel that I’m qualified to judge your daughter’s condition, then you must feel I’m qualified to judge yours.
Carol: Oh, I do.
Dr. Howard (to Mike): Check them both into the hospital before 6:00 Friday afternoon. )He turns to leave) Good-bye all, good-bye.
(Mike starts laughing.)
Carol: Well, you might have said something, Mike.
Mike: Honey, I was afraid to open my mouth or he’d take mine out too.
(The scene fades out.)
(The next scene has Carol packing for the hospital, with help from Marcia and Jan.)
Carol: I hope you kids are going to be all right while I’m gone.
Marcia: We’ll be fine, Mom.
Jan: We’ll have Dad and Alice.
Carol: Oh, that’s right.
Marcia: And you’ll have Cindy.
Peter (coming by): Have a good time, Mom.
Carol: Oh, thanks, Peter. (to herself) That’s funny, that’s the same advice I got some Bobby. (to Peter) Don’t forget, you have a dental appointment in the morning.
Peter: How could I forget? You told me three times in the last half hour.
Carol: Marcia, you better go help Cindy pack, okay?
Marcia: She’s all packed. Jan helped her.
Carol: Well then, what are we waiting for?
(Greg comes by.)
Greg: Anything I can do, Mom?
Carol: Yes Greg, would you tell your father that we’re just about ready?
Greg: Right. (Mike and Cindy appear) Here he is.
Carol (noticing Cindy holding her doll): Cindy honey, I don’t think you’ll need your doll in the hospital.
Cindy: If I have to have my tonsils out, so does she.
(Mike picks up Cindy’s suitcase.)
Mike: Cindy, what in the world have you got in here?
Cindy: Oh, just a few things I need.
Carol: Like what?
Cindy: Like my stuffed elephant, my teddy bear, my piggy bank and a bag of rocks.
Alice (coming in the room): I’ve got a few non-essentials here for Cindy. Pajamas, slippers, toothbrush.
Carol: Oh, thanks, Alice. (They put them in her suitcase) Well, I guess that’ll just about do it. (The phone rings) That’s got to be Ellie.
Mike (answering the phone): Hello. Oh, hi Ellie. Oh, I’m sorry, you just missed her. She’s on her way to the hospital. Yeah, I sure will, bye Ellie.
(He hangs up.)
Carol: Mike, I am not on my way to the hospital.
Mike: Oh, yes you are, come on, right now.
Alice: Mrs. Brady, when you get back, the ice cream will be ready and waiting.
Carol: Thanks Alice, that’s a very comforting thought.
(They all leave the room. Next, we see a shot of the hospital, then the family coming back from the hospital. Alice gets some ice cream for Cindy and Carol, who are upstairs in the parents’ bed and Dr. Howard checking up on them.)
Dr. Howard: Well, you’re both doing fine. Now, I want you to follow two strict orders. First, stay in bed.
Carol (muttering): Doctor.
Dr. Howard: And second, not a peep out of either of you. (Carol makes a waving gesture) Now, what’s that supposed to mean?
Mike: The family’s due to go on a boating trip a week from Saturday
Dr. Howard: Oh. You’ll make it. Lots of liquids, uh, gelatin, ice cream. And remember, no talking, okay? I’ll drop by tomorrow morning.
Mike: Thanks, Dr. Howard.
Dr. Howard: Bye-bye.
(They wave good-bye to him.)
Mike: Well, I have to get to the office. Is there anything you want? Uh, don’t answer, write it down. Cindy? (She shakes her head no) Okay. Now remember Carol, no talking, especially if your friend Ellie calls, let Alice answer the phone. (She gives him the okay signal) Okay, I’ll be home early.
(Carol blows him a kiss and Alice comes in with ice cream for both of them.)
Alice: Well, this should get them off to a good start. (Carol and Cindy knock their spoons together, as if making a toast) Now remember, it’s a little rough, going down at first. Take your time. Easy does it. (Carol gives a discomforting look) I’m headed for the market, any special requests?
Carol (weakly): Get a dozen?
Alice: Write it down. (Carol gets a pad and paper and writes, then hands a paper to Alice) Okay, Cindy, more ice cream? (Cindy nods) Vanilla? (She nods), Chocolate? (She nods again) Strawberry? (Cindy nods again) Which one?
(Cindy nods again. Alice gets the message.)
(Mike calls the house from the office. It rings three times and Carol answers.)
Mike (angry): Carol, what are you doing answering the phone? Where’s Alice?
Carol: At the market. I won’t, I won’t do it again.
Mike: Good, how do you feel? Uh, no, don’t answer. I’ll see you later, bye.
(They hang up and Cindy makes a shameful gesture to Carol. She takes a magazine to read. Mike calls again a few minutes later. Carol answers after several rings.)
Mike (faking his voice): Hi Carol, this is Ellie.
Carol: Ellie? It doesn’t sound like you.
Mike: You know why?
Mike (with his real voice): Because it’s your husband.
Carol: Sorry, wrong number.
(She hangs up. Mr. Phillips is at the office.)
Secretary: Yes, Mr. Philips.
Mr. Philips: Get me Mike Brady, please.
Secretary: Mr. Brady left 15 minutes ago. Something about getting home to his wife.
Mr. Philips: Oh yes, she’s back from the hospital. Uh, what’s that number?
(He calls the house.)
Cindy (weakly): Bet that’s Daddy.
Carol: Not again. Maybe it’s Ellie. (It rings a few more times and she answers) Hello.
Mr. Philips: Ahoy, Mrs. Brady, this is Mr. Philips.
Cindy (to Carol): Daddy?
Carol: Sure it’s Mr. Philips.
Mr. Phillips: Feeling better?
Carol: Not well enough to go on that broken down barnacle barge of yours.
(She hangs up, much to Mr. Philips surprise and chagrin. Mike walks in.)
Mike: Hi, honey.
Carol: Oh, no.
Mike: What’s the matter?
Carol: Mike, I just…
Mike: Honey, don’t talk, write it. What did you just?
(Carol takes the pad and writes on it. She passes a piece of paper to Cindy, who passes it to Mike.)
Mike (reading): My boss. You thought it was me on the phone trying to trick you? (She passes another piece of paper to Cindy, then to Mike, who reads it) You called his boat a broken down (he finishes her sentence on another piece of paper) barnacle barge? You know, this wouldn’t happen if you stayed off the phone. Oh well, I’m sure I could square it. (He goes tot he phone) I’ll call him back and explain the whole thing. He’ll probably get a big kick out of it. (He starts dialing and gets on the phone) Mr. Philips please, Mike Brady calling. (Pause) Mr. Phillips, this is Mike Brady, listen, there’s been a funny misunderstanding today and I think you’re gonna get a big kick out of it. (Mr. Phillips hangs up) He didn’t get a big kick out of it.
(That evening, Mr. Phillips comes to visit with flowers.)
Mr. Philips: Good evening, Mike.
Mike (answering the door): Mr. Philips.
Mr. Philips: May I come in?
Mike: Why, of course.
(Mike shakes his hand and lets him in.)
Mr. Philips: Thank you. (He sees Carol laying on the couch in the living room) Well, it’s good to see you up and around.
Carol (whispering): Thank you.
Mike: She’s not supposed to speak. That’s what caused the mix-up on the phone this afternoon. She thought it was me trying to trick her.
Mr. Phillips (to Carol): Well, you can insult a man’s wife, but never his boat. I must admit my nose was slightly out of joint at the time, but thinking it over, I realized there must be some logical explanation, and that’s why I dropped by, to bring you these.
(He give her the flowers.)
Carol (whispering): Thank you.
Mr. Philips: And to ask you if you’d all still like to go on that boat trip a week from Saturday.
Mike: Oh, I think I can get you a quick answer, Mr. Philips. (yelling) Kids! (Greg, Marcia, Jan and Peter come out) Mr. Philips wants to know if we still want to go on that boat trip.
(They all get excited and cheer, then go back tot heir rooms.)
Mr. Philips: Splendid, I’m looking forward to it myself. (Carol writes him a note and hands it to him) For me? (He reads it) I have a beautiful boat? (He laughs) Well, that makes up for everything. Good night, Mrs. Brady, Mike.
Mike: Good night, Mr. Philips and thanks.
Mr. Philips: Don’t mention it. Uh, don’t bother seeing me out.
Carol (whispering): Mike.
Mike: Honey, don’t talk.
Carol: But Mike.
Mike: Oh boy, I guess there’s only one way to shut your mouth.
(He gives her a big kiss.)
(The next scene has the Bradys on the boat with Mr. Philips, they are sailing, fishing and doing other fun things. That evening, they return home.)
Marcia: What a groovy day on Mr. Philips’ boat.
Jan: What about that fish I caught.
Cindy: My fish was bigger, well, if I caught it.
Carol (laughing): Okay kids, up to bed.
(The girls go upstairs, Mike and Carol remain in the kitchen.)
Mike: Kids sure got a kick out of it.
(Greg and Peter follow with a seasick Alice.)
Greg: I don’t know anybody could get seasick so fast.
Alice: It wasn’t so fast. I was perfectly fine till I saw the boat.
Carol: Okay guys, we’ll take over from here. Thanks. (She and Mike handle Alice) Come on, Alice.
Mike: Now, you’ll be all right.
(They help her to her room as the scene fades out.)
(The final scene has Greg and Peter in the backyard trying to land their fishing rods in the bucket.)
Greg: I bet I’ll get it in this time. (Greg misses and Peter laughs out loud) Well I was close.
(Carol and Alice come out.)
Alice: Hey, you fellas better get washed up.
Carol: Your father will be home for dinner any minute.
Peter: Wait a second, Mom, we’re having a contest. (to Greg) Bet you I get it closer.
(Peter tries but no luck.)
Greg (laughing): You missed it by a mile.
Peter: You didn’t get it in either.
Carol: Uh, you guys want to stand back and watch the old queen of the sidearmers here take over? (She takes the rod) Watch this now, right into the old bucket.
(She aims but it goes over the fence.)
Greg (laughing): Right over the fence.
Peter: You don’t know your own strength, Mom.
Carol: Well, if you got it, you got it.
Alice: Oops, I think you’re hooked up again.
Carol: Oh, no.
Alice: Yeah, come on.
(Alice follows the line and steps on a box to see where the line ended up. She feels something and gives a unsure look to Carol.)
Carol: I hope it’s not Mr. Dittmeyer’s charcoal again.
Alice: No, Mrs. Brady, it’s Mr. Dittmeyer.
(Alice rises up the angry neighbor while Carol and the boys laugh.)