Alice’s September Song
Written by Elroy Schwartz
Alice’s old boyfriend, Mark Millard, comes to visit. This is enough to make Sam the butcher jealous and Alice believing he’s about to pop the question. Hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
SAM THE BUTCHER
(The episode begins with Carol and Alice coming home from the store. They get out of Carol’s car and bring bags of groceries in the store. Carol notices a message by the phone.)
Carol: Oh, Alice, there’s a message for you.
Alice: Oh, from Sam? If he’s still at the butcher shop I can call him right back.
Carol: No, I don’t think it’s from Sam. I can’t quite make out the name.
(Alice reads out the name on the paper.)
Alice: Makr Maldrill. I don’t think I know anybody named Makr Maldrill.
Carol (frustrated): If I told those kids once, I told them 100 times, when someone calls, get the name right.
Cindy (coming into the kitchen): I tried.
Alice: You took the message honey?
Cindy: Uh-huh. I wrote it just like the man told me.
Alice: Well, I’m sure we can figure it out, sweetie. But first I wanna help your mother put away all this stuff.
Carol: Nah Alice, I’ll do it. You better work on that message while it’s still fresh in Cindy’s mind.
Alice (sitting down): Okay.
(She looks at the message, with her name and Makr Maldrill written on it..)
Cindy: That’s your name, Alice.
Alice: Yeah, I got that far. I got stuck on who called.
Cindy: His name is Mark.
Cindy: Uh-huh. Maybe I don’t spell very good, but I can remember good. His name is Mark Millard, and he said he’ll call back.
(She walks away.)
Alice: Mark Millard called?
Carol: I never heard you mention a Mark Millard before, Alice. A new boyfriend?
Alice: No, Mrs. Brady, an old one.
Carol: Somebody special?
Alice: We were in school together, to me he was very special. He was the handsomest, most charming boy in the class. I still remember how my knees used to melt whenever he looked at me.
Carol: And to think he called you after all these years. Oh Alice, I think that’s very exciting.
Alice: It is exciting, Mrs. Brady. I wonder.
Carol: You wonder what?
Alice: If there’s enough heat in an old flame to melt these knees again.
(Carol laughs with Alice as the scene fades.)
(The next scene has Greg and Bobby in the garage, working on an airplane.)
Bobby: Boy, this is gonna be the best plane ever. I can see it now, taking off. Maybe flying all the way to Africa. What do you think, Greg?
Greg: I think if you don’t keep quiet, I’m gonna pop you one.
Sam (arriving): Hiya, fellas.
Bobby: Hi Sam.
Sam: Hey, that’s some plane you got there.
Greg: Yeah, we’re gluing in the ribs for a wing.
Sam: You know, Bobby, this sure brings back memories. Boy, when I was your age, I built one that stayed up for a year.
Bobby: A year?
Sam: Yep. it was a whole year before I was old enough to climb the tree and get it down. (He laughs, and so do Bobby and Greg) Hey, is Alice inside?
Bobby: Yeah, she’s getting ready to go out.
(Inside. Mike and Peter are walking on another part of the plane.)
Carol (coming by): Hey, what is that? A boat or a plane?
Peter: A plane. We’re putting it together in here while Greg and Bobby put the wings together outside.
Carol: Ooh, I’d say that’s a very efficient production line.
Mike: You betcha. Orville and Wilbur couldn’t have done it any better.
Peter: I’m gonna go outside and see how the wings are coming along.
(Carol notices that Sam is outside.)
Carol: Oh, no, look who’s out there talking to Peter.
(Carol and Mike see Sam and Peter outside.)
Carol (worried): Oh!
Mike: Just come by to see Alice, he’s done it before.
Carol: Honey, you don’t understand. Alice has a date with Mr. Millard. This could be very awkward for her.
Mike: Well, honey, I think she’s equipped to tell Sam she’s got a date with another guy.
Carol: Oh, honey, you don’t understand women at all.
Mike: Yeah, well, that makes me a charter member of a very large fraternity.
Carol: Look, I’ll get Alice to stay in her room until he leaves.
Mike: Yeah, well, Sam has remarkable staying power.
Caro (nervously): Well, think of something, honey. You’re, you’re very good (she kisses his cheek) at things like that, please.
Mike (pointing outside): Yeah, but.
Carol: Just get rid of him.
(Sam finishes his conversation with Peter and heads towards the door. He knocks, opens the door and comes in.)
Sam: Hi, Mr. Brady.
Mike: Hi, Sam.
Sam: Well, tonight’s the semi-finals of the supermarket bowling league. Us meat cutters against the Bread and Pastry boys.
Mike: Sounds like pretty crummy competition.
Sam (laughing): Crummy competition, bread and pastry. I like that, Mr. Brady. Hey, can I use that?
Mike: Yeah, just don’t tell anybody where you got it.
Sam (laughing): I thought I’d take Alice along to watch. You know, she’s a great little rooter for us meat cutters, a great little rooter.
Mike: Uh, Sam. I’d like to have a little talk with you about (Pause) women.
Sam: Oh, you can count on me, Mr. Brady. If you and the Mrs. are having a little problem, I’ll do anything I can to help.
Mike: No, no, Sam. It’s not me, it’s, uh, uh, you.
Sam: I’ve got no problem with Mrs. Brady.
Mike: No, no, it’s not Mrs. Brady, it’s uh, Alice.
Sam: I didn’t know I was having a problem with Alice.
Mike: Oh, you’re not, you’re not, you’re not. But you might.
Sam: What kind?
Mike: Well, look, um, you’re kind of catching Alice off guard, see, arriving here unexpectedly. Woman like to be prepared, you know, with a, dress just so and a face, just so.
Sam: Mr. Brady, Alice’s face is my inspiration. I see her face in every bowling ball, her figure in every bowling pin.
(The next scene has Alice dressed up for her date with Mark. Marcia and Jan are watching admiringly.)
Marcia: That’s sure a pretty pin, Alice.
Alice: It’s a cameo, been in my family for generations.
Marcia: It’s fantabulous.
Alice: When each one gets married, she passes it along to the next one. So far I hold the record for hanging on to it the longest.
(Carol comes in the room.)
Carol: Excuse me, Alice. Alice, did you forget that you had a date with Sam tonight?
Alice: I never forget my dates with Sam, Mrs. Brady, or any other male species, why?
Carol: He’s here.
Alice: Oh, no.
Jan: Wow, two guys showing up on the very same night. (Alice makes a gesture like it’s no big deal) Maybe they’ll fight over you, Alice.
Marcia: That would be out of sight.
Carol: Don’t you girls have some homework to do? (Jam and Marcia whine) Come on, run along. (They leave still discussing the possibility of a fight) Alice, I took the liberty of asking Mr. Brady to make some excuse to Sam.
Alice: Yeah, that could be embarrassing. Thank you, Mrs. Brady.
Carol: Well, he should be gone by now.
Alice: Imagine, two men fighting over me. (She laughs) Oh, two men will never fight over me.
Carol: Why wouldn’t they?
(She turns Alice around to look in the mirror.)
Alice (in the mirror): Yeah, Alice, why wouldn’t they?
(Back in the kitchen, Sam and Mike are still converting.)
Sam: I get the picture, Mr. Brady, so I’ll just trot down to a payphone, call back and see if Alice is…
(He sees Alice come out in her evening dress.)
Alice (looking in her purse): Mr. Brady, by any chance did you happen to see… (He sees Sam standing there) Sam.
Sam: Good evening, Alice, boy you look real spiffy tonight.
(Mike looks at him with shock.)
Alice: Well, th-th-thank you, Sam.
Sam: Of course, you didn’t have to get so dressed up. Only the semi-finals.
(Mike collects his airplane equipment and starts to take off.)
Sam: You know, bowling. Us meat cutters vs. bread and pastry.
Alice: Oh, yeah, that sounds like quite a match. But Sam, we didn’t have a date tonight.
Sam: I know, Alice, I didn’t mean to catch you off guard. But, uh, well, since you’re so gussied up, let’s go.
Alice: Sam. I can’t go out with you tonight.
Sam: Oh, come on Alice, just because I didn’t call you and ask you for a date. Look, I meant to, but Mrs. Larson came in and wanted a round steak around 6 times.
Alice: Sam, that isn’t it. I have another date tonight.
Sam (angry): Another date? With who? (Alice seems hesitant to tell him) I know, you’re going out with the milkman!
Sam: I should have known, when I stopped by last Tuesday morning, I heard the way he rattled your bottles.
Alice (insulted): No Sam, it is not Jerry.
Sam: Ah, then it’s Gus from fresh fruit at the supermarket. I see the way he looks at you when you’re squeezing the melons.
Alice: Sam, it isn’t Gus and isn’t Jerry. It’s an old friend of mine who’s passing through town and I’m having dinner with him.
Sam (relieved): Oh well, if it’s just an old friend it’s something else. I’ll tell you what, Alice, if the meat cutters win tonight, suppose I drop by about 6:30 tomorrow, and take you to the finals. okay?
Alice: I’d like that Sam, except that I sort of half-promised Mark, my friend, that I wouldn’t make any other plans while he’s here.
Sam (upset again): Well, how long is that gonna be?
Alice: Only a week.
(Sam gives a defeated look. Next, Alice is by the front door nervously awaiting Mark’s arrival. Mike and Carol are in the living room having coffee.)
Mike: Alice, listen, a sip of this might calm you down a little bit.
Alice: I think the coffee might make me more nervous, Mr. Brady.
(The doorbell rings.)
Alice (jumpy): It’s him. It’s him. (Mike and Carol get up to leave) Uh, where are you going? Aren’t you gonna stay?
Carol: Well, Alice, we wouldn’t wanna be in the way.
Alice: Believe me you’d be more in the way if you were out of the way.
(The bell rings again.)
Mike: Okay, but listen, try to be calm.
(He goes to answer the door.)
Alice: Oh, I’m fine, really, I am. (She clutches her handkerchief) My handkerchief isn’t, but I am.
Mike: Let me get the door, okay.
Alice: Would you please? I really don’t think I can turn the knob.
(She hands her broken handkerchief to Carol as Mike opens the door. Mark appears with a gift.)
Mark: Good evening.
Mike: Mr. Millard?
Mike (shaking his hand): I’m Mike Brady, come on in. Alice is waiting for you.
Mark: Oh thank you. (He comes in and sees Alice) Alice.
(He gives Alice a hug.)
Mark: Alice. Oh.
(He hands her the gift.)
Alice: Thank you.
Mark: Alice, you look absolutely wonderful.
Alice: I do. That’s awfully sweet to say, Mark. You don’t look so bad yourself.
(Carol and Mike look on with delight.)
Mark: How could all these years have gone by and never touched you at all.
Alice: Oh, well, they touched me. It’s just the dents don’t show much at night. (Carol and Mike laugh.) Ooh, you met Mr. Brady, and this is Mrs. Brady.
Carol (shaking hi hand): Hello, Mr. Millard.
Alice: And their 12 eyes.
Mark: Hmm? (They see the kids looking on from up the stairs.)
(Late that evening, Carol wakes up and realizes Alice is still out with Mark.)
Carol (to Mike): Do you realize what time it is?
Mike: It’s about 10 minutes since the last time you asked me what time it is.
(Carol turns on the light and leans over to look at the clock.)
Carol: It’s almost 1:30 and Alice isn’t home yet.
Mike: Honey, Alice is not one of the kids.
Carol: I know, but she’s, well she’s out with a man who’s practically a stranger to her.
Mike: I’m sure she can take care of herself. Mark looks okay.
Carol: Yeah, but appearances can be very deceiving. We don’t know what he’s really like.
Mike: Listen, what are you gonna do when Marcia starts to date?
Carol: Probably get no sleep, ever. Well how about you, you’re pretty wide awake. Why aren’t you asleep?
Mike: Because it’s 1:30 and Alice isn’t home yet. (They hear Mark’s car door close) See, now there she is. She’s home and you can go to sleep happy. (He kisses her)
Carol: Don’t be silly. Now I have to see if she had a good time.
(Alice comes in the front door, beaming and dancing and singing softly to herself. She also shuts the lights in the living room as Carol and Mike look on from top of the stairs.)
Mike (to Carol): She had a good time.
(Carol smiles as the scene fades.)
(The next scene has Alice is her room getting dressed up again and talking to Carol. She tells her about their date for that evening.)
Alice: And tonight, he’s taking me to the Kings Lodge, that big, new fancy place.
Carol: Where I’m sure you wouldn’t want this price tag (on her dress) show.
Alice: Oh, no, thank you. I thought I’d give this, this new dress a trial run this afternoon before the Grand Prix tonight.
Carol: Boy, this Mr. Millard sure is giving you the big rush.
Alice: Different restaurant every single night. Dancing till all hours. You know, a week of this will kill me. What a way to go.
Carol (laughing): It wouldn’t surprise me if Mr. Millard wasn’t building up to something.
Alice: Like what?
Carol: Like, rekindling that old flame.
Alice: Would you help me with this zipper?
Carol: Sure. (Carol zips the back of Alice’s dress) You mean the thought of marriage never (Pause) crept in?
Alice: Well if it did any creeping, it was with me, not him.
Carol: Well, what if he brought up the subject right now, Alice. What would you say?
Alice: I don’t really know what I’d say, I’d sure listen a lot.
Carol: Mr. Brady and I certainly hope it works out the way you want it to, Alice. (She finishes helping her get ready) There.
Alice: Oh boy, now I know where those calories went. I’ve been sitting on them.
Carol: Well, I guess we could let it out a little for tonight.
Alice: Or take me in a little today.
(Alice starts to inhale. We next see her doing sit-ups in the backyard, with the girls helping her. Marcia and Jan are holding her while Cindy counts. Alice stops at 6.)
Jan: You’re not supposed to move your legs at all, Alice.
Alice: How could they move with you hanging on to one and Marcia holding on to the other?
Marcia: Well they wiggled a little.
Jan: And you won’t lose weight even wiggling a little.
(Alice breathes hard and resumes sit-ups.)
Cindy: Seven. (She drops after that) You don’t have to stop, Alice, I can count higher.
(Next, Alice puts white cream on her face in her room with Marcia watching.)
Marcia: What’s all that goo supposed to do for you, Alice?
Alice: Oh, tighten up my skin.
Marcia: Who wants tight skin?
Alice: Well, not really tighten it, it’s sort of a tone drop of facial muscles.
Marcia: Well how long are you supposed to leave that stuff on?
Alice: Uh, I’ll take it off about an hour before Mr. Millard gets here. On the other hand, I might be better of leaving it on.
(Marcia laughs. Mike is helping Bobby and Peter with the final touches of the airplane when Alice comes out, all made over.)
Alice: Well men, how does everything look from, uh, there?
Peter: Hey, look at Alice.
Bobby: Boy, real neat-o.
Mike: Alice, you are gorgeous.
Alice: Oh, go on. I mean, go on and on and on.
(Alice and Mark are dining in a fancy restaurant. A waiter brings them each a bowl of soup. Alice eats while Mark stares at her.)
Alice: Mmm, vichyssoise is such a pretty name for cold potato soup, don’t you think? (He continues to stare) You haven’t even touched yours.
Mark: How can I eat Alice when I can’t take my eyes off you?
Alice: Ooh, Mark.
Mark: You’ve blossomed of the years, Alice.
Alice: You do have a way with words. How much longer do you think you’re gonna be in town?
Mark: Well, it’s hard to tell. I’m trying to finish up a business deal.
Alice: Oh, you tycoons.
Mark: Not really, it’s a deal that, uh (Pause) I don’t think the topic will interest you.
Alice: Try me.
Mark: Well, I’ve been at meetings all week on a very unusual investment opportunity. As a matter of fact, it was so good I’m a little concerned, but it really checks out.
Alice: Well, I got a little nest egg that isn’t hatching very much in my bank account.
Mark: A bank is the best place to let a nest egg hatch. Besides, any business deal is bound to be speculative. (Alice seems convinced) Now, how about some wine. Something sparkling to go with your eyes.
Alice: Ooh, Mark. Would you be getting in on the ground floor of this investment opportunity.
Mark (holding Alice’s hand): Forget that, Alice, there are other ground floors, but very few charming ladies.
(Alice smiles at the opportunity. The next day, Carol comes in the kitchen and sees Alice ready to go out.)
Carol: Oh, where you headed, Alice?
Alice: Oh, the bank. As soon as I get the breakfast dishes put away.
Carol: Oh, I’m heading right by there, I’ll drop you off. In the meantime, do you need a couple of dollars?
Alice: No thanks. I’m about to enter the world of high finance.
Carol (excited): High finance? What do you mean?
Alice: Well, Mark had this great investment opportunity and he’s letting me in on it.
Carol: Oh, what kind of opportunity?
Alice: To get in on the ground floor.
Alice: Well, he didn’t say exactly.
Carol: What’s the name of the company?
Alice: I don’t think he mentioned it. But anyway, the name of the company isn’t anywhere near as important as what they do.
Carol: What do they do, Alice?
Alice: I don’t know exactly. He said it kind of speculative. But, just about that time, I had the feeling he was about to pop the question, so, I didn’t want to rock the boat.
Carol: Did he pop the question?
Alice: Not quite. Well, I’ll go get my coat.
(She goes into her room. Carol gets suspicious and calls Mike at the office.)
Mike (on the phone): Well what sort of investment? Carol, what type of business is it? No, no, I don’t blame you, it makes me suspicious, too. Listen, when are you taking her to the bank? Okay, I’ll tell you what, while you do that, I’ll make some fast calls, okay? Okay, bye.
(Alice realizes that Mark is a scam artist and gets embarrassed.)
Alice (to Mike and Carol): I feel like such a fool.
Carol: Oh, I didn’t like interfering, Alice. But, well, you are one of the family.
Mike: After Mrs. Brady called me, Alice, I phoned a friend of mine at the district attorney’s office and they did a quick rundown on Mark Millard and, he’s gonna stop by and ask you a few questions.
Alice: Mark sure was smooth.
Mike: Well, he’s an incurable gambler. Horses, cards, you name it.
Carol: And, he uses unsuspecting woman to support himself.
Alice: How could I have been so stupid? You know, I actually thought he was popping the question.
Mike: He might have. Right now, he’s paying alimony to five wives and trying to keep a jump ahead of the sixth.
Alice (astonished): Six wives?
Carol: And you might have been the seventh.
Alice: That’s what I call making seven the hard way.
Carol: Alice, when were you gonna give him the money?
Alice: He’ll be coming by soon.
(The doorbell rings.)
Mike: That’s my friend from the district attorney’s office.
(He gets up to answer the door.)
Carol: Now, relax, Alice.
(Mike opens the door and it’s Mark.)
Mike (surprised): Oh, Mr. Millard.
Mark: Hello, Mr. Brady. How nice to find you at home.
Mike: Well, can’t tell you how happy I am to be here. Come on in, Alice is waiting for you.
Mark: Splendid. I’m anxious for a little chat with her. (He comes in the living room and sees Alice and Carol) Well, how are you, Mrs. Brady.
Carol: I couldn’t be better, Mr. Millard.
Mark: Alice, I wonder if you and I could have a moment together.
Mike: Mr. Millard, I took the liberty of talking to a friend of mine at the district attorney’s office this morning.
Carol: And he did some checking for us, that is, for Alice, and he’s on his way over here right now, Mr. Millard.
Mark (shrugging): Sorry, but, that’s life, Alice. (He starts to get nervous) Well, I, guess I’ll be on my way. I can see myself out.
Mike (following him): Wait a minute, just a second.
(The bell rings and he starts running towards the back door. Mike, Alice and Carol chase him instead of answering the door. They hear him moan in pain and when they catch up to him, he is out cold and Sam is at the door with a delivery.)
Alice: Sam, what did you do to him?
Sam: Nothing. I was just getting to the patio door and he ran right into your frozen leg of lamb.
(The doorbell rings again.)
Mike: Ooh, I guess I better get my friend.
Sam: Say, who is that guy anyway?
Alice: That’s that old friend of mine I was telling you about.
Sam: Well, anyway, I’m sorry he ran into your leg of lamb.
Alice: So am I. I wish you were carrying a whole side of beef. Sam, would you put that in the freezer or me, please?
Sam: Sure, Alice.
(Alice takes the watering can for flowers and pours water all over Mark. Meanwhile, Mike, Carol and the friend from the D.A.’s office come by and the scene fades.)
(The final scene has Alice and Sam preparing for a picnic in the park. Carol puts their sandwiches in a picnic basket.)
Carol: There, a perfect little picnic for two. I sure hope you enjoy your day off, Alice.
Alice: Ah, we will, Mrs. Brady.
Mike: Well, have a good time.
Sam: Thanks, Mr. Brady.
(The boys come in upset with their airplane.)
Mike: What’s the matter, men?
Bobby: Our plane.
Greg: There’s not enough room in the backyard, Dad.
Sam: Well, Alice and I are heading to Highland Park. The 747 can take off there. You wanna go with us? (The boys happily agree) Bring the girls to watch.
Greg: That’s a good idea.
(They go to get the girls.)
Alice: Sam, that’s 8 stomachs to fill with food for two.
Sam: That’s okay, we’ll stop by my shop and I’ll pick up some cold cuts. (He takes the basket) I’ll put this in the car.
Carol: Well, Alice, you didn’t have much choice, did you?
Alice: Oh, I love having the kids along, Mrs. Brady. Of course, it isn’t terribly romantic.
Mike: Contrary. It’s very romantic.
Alice: It is.
Mike: Yeah, for us.
(He takes Carol and picks her up the way a groom picks up his bride.)
Carol: Mike, you cut that out.
Mike: Have a good time, Alice.
(He walks away with Carol, leaving Alice to ponder about what kind of day they’ll have.)