My Sister Benedict Arnold
Written by Elroy Schwartz
Marcia dates a boy who Greg despises. He, in turn, dates a girl who Marcia is not fond of. Eventually, they learn the error of their ways. Hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(The episode begins with Peter and Alice cleaning off a booth they are using for a school carnival. Bobby comes running out.)
Bobby: Is it ready yet?
Peter: Can’t you see we still have to decorate it?
Bobby: I mean, does the dunking part work?
Alice: Oh, you bet it does. Believe me, watch it, Pete. Believe me, if you hit that bulls-eye, (She demonstrates for him) Splat.
Bobby: Boy, this is going to be the best booth in the whole school carnival.
Alice: Step right up, folks, step right up, to the Brady booth! And for 10 cents, for the tenth part of a dollar, let’s see who can dunk the dunkee, whoever he is.
Peter: It wouldn’t hurt you to do a little work on it.
Alice: That’s fair.
(Greg comes home in a foul mood.)
Peter: Hi, Greg. (Greg walks by without answering) Hey Greg, what’s the matter?
Greg (bitterly): Who said anything was the matter?
Peter: Well, if nothing’s the matter, what are you so sore about?
Peter: Come on. If you tell someone, you’re supposed to feel better.
Greg: The coach took me off the first string basketball team.
Peter: No wonder you’re sore. Now I’m sore too.
Greg: You know who beat me out?
Greg: Warren Mullaney.
Peter: Warren Mullaney? That’s the same guy who beat you out for student council president!
Greg: Some president! He got elected by making a lot of phony promises he didn’t keep.
Peter: How did he get to be first string?
Greg: Buttering up the coach, and when the coach isn’t looking, you should see the way he goofs off.
Peter: Boy, he really is a phony.
Greg: He’s a bum all right. The crumb bugs me worse than anyone I know. You namne it, anybody!
(Greg goes inside.Peter shrugs and returns to the booth. Meanwhile, Jan is upstairs combing her hair and Marcia happily comes in their room.)
Marcia (excited): Jan, guess what.
Jan: Okay, I’ll guess. What?
Marcia; I just got asked for a date to the pizza parlor.
Jan: So, what’s such the big deal?
Marcia: By a high school boy.
Jan: You’re kidding!
Marcia: No, he’s coming by after dinner.
Jan: Your first high school date. But where did you meet him?
Marcia: On the way home from school.
Jan: What’s his name?
Marcia: Warren Mullaney.
(The scene fades.)
(The next scene has Greg in his room, pouting about his day. Mike and Bobby come in to see him.)
Bobby: Come on, Greg. We’re going to start decorating the dunking machine.
Greg: You don’t need me.
Mike: Sure we do. What, you got a problem?
Mike (to Bobby): Well, you run on down. I’ll be there in a minute.
Bobby: Okay. The one who does the most work gets to be dunked first.
Mike: Sounds fair to me. (Bobby leaves. Mike sits down to talk to Greg) Well, what’s the problem?
Greg: You know that guy who beat me out for student council?
Mike: Oh yeah, what was his name? Warren?
Greg: Warren Mullaney, it bugs me just to say it.
Mike: Well, what about him?
Greg: Today he beat me out for first string on the basketball team.
Mike: Oh, I’m sorry about that. Come on, you can’t win ’em all. You know that, don’t you?
Greg: Dad, he’s always beating me out at something! I don’t mind getting beaten out but he doesn’t even play fair. Phony, buttering up, conniving…
Mike: Oh, Greg, come on, don’t let it get you down. Look, if that’s the case, the coach is going to find out sooner or later.
Greg: Well how does that help me now?
Mike: Every dog has his day.
Greg: I’m not so sure with a dog like Warren.
Mike (laughing): Cheer up. Come down and help us if you feel like it.
(Mike leaves the room and goes to the girls’ room.)
Mike: Marcia, Jan. How about some help with the carnival booth?
Marcia: We’re coming, Dad.
(He walks away.)
Jan (to Marcia): Do you think Mom and Dad will let you go out with a high school boy?
Marcia: Why not? As long as he’s real nice.
Jan: Well, is he?
Marcia: He seems to be. I wonder if Greg knows him, you go on. I’ll be down in a minute.
(Marcia goes in to talk to Greg, who is still upset.)
Marcia: Greg, can I talk to you for a second?
Greg: What about?
Marcia: Well, this real cool guy asked me to go to the pizza parlor with him.
Marcia: He’s in high school.
Marcia: Well, he’s in your class, and I thought if you knew him, you could tell me what he’s like.
Greg: Every guy in my class is okay, except Warren, Warren Mullaney. As far as I’m concerned he’s public enemy number 1.
Marcia: Well, what’s the matter with him?
Greg: I guess you didn’t hear that Warren beat me out for first string on the basketball team.
Marcia: Gee Greg, I’m sorry.
Greg: The guy is at the top of my crumb list. In fact, he’s on the bottom of my crumb list too and he’s every crumb in between.
(Marcia gets a surprised look and leaves. We next see her downstairs helping Carol with a sign for the Brady booth.)
Mom: Mmm hmm.
Marcia: A boy from high school asked me to go to the pizza parlor.
Carol: Ooh, a high school boy. Aren’t we growing up, before you know it, it will be college boys.
Marcia: This one’s just a high school boy. Can I go?
Carol: Well, I think it will be okay, but we’d like to meet him first.
Marcia: I told him to come on over. If we can go, great.
Marcia: There may be one little problem though.
Carol: Oh, what’s that?
Marcia: Greg doesn’t like Warren. That’s his name, Warren Mullaney.
Carol: Why doesn’t Greg like him?
Marcia: Warren took his place on the basketball team.
Carol: Well, I’m afraid that’s Greg’s problem. It really isn’t yours.
Marcia: I know it and you know it. I just hope Greg knows it.
(Later on, Cindy is helping Marcia zip her dress for her date with Warren.)
Marcia: Thanks, Cindy.
Cindy: You’re welcome.
Marcia: Do I look okay?
Cindy: Uh-huh. (She notices her feet) Is that the new style?
Marcia: Is what the new style?
Cindy: Wearing two different shoes.
Marcia: Thanks, Cindy. (She changes one of them) I guess I’m a little nervous about Warren?
Cindy: If he makes you nervous, why are you going out with him?
Marcia: It’s not him. It’s how Greg feels about him that’s got me uptight.
Cindy: Are you going to let him kiss you good night?
Marcia: That is none of your business.
Cindy: I know. I just thought I’d ask you anyway.
(Alice is in the kitchen when Marcia awaits Warren’s arrival. She looks in the cupboards for stuff to buy and then goes to write it down. Marcia comes into the kitchen.)
Alice (to Marcia): Hi, looking for something?
Marcia: Greg. Warren will be here any minute, and I want to keep them apart.
Alice: Well, Greg went to the library.
Marcia: Oh, good.
Alice: Well, I don’t know, I think he went to pick up a book on witchcraft. You will let me know if Prince warren turns into a frog. (She laughs but Marcia doesn’t find it funny) That was just a joke, honey.
Marcia: Not to me, Alice.
(The phone rings.)
Marcia: That must be Warren.
(The rushes to get the door while Alice writes more stuff down. In comes Greg.)
Greg: Hi Alice, I’m home.
Alice: Hi. (She suddenly stops him) Don’t go in there.
Greg: Why not?
Alice (abruptly): Pie, pie, you didn’t have any pie after dinner. You rushed right out to the library.
Greg: Sure I had pie, I even had seconds, this will be my third helping.
Alice: Well, this will be your third on firsts but it’s only your second on seconds.
Alice: Well, the pieces you had after dinner were your firsts and seconds, right? So this will be your third on first or your second on seconds.
Greg: Alice, I think you’re a little pie happy.
Alice: Well, anyway, have another piece. It’s an end cut, you’ll just love it.
(Marcia invites Warren in.)
Marcia: Why don’t you sit down, I’ll get my parents.
Warren: Okay. (He notices the rest of the kids looking at him form the top of the stairs) Who are they?
Marcia: That’s a new group called the nosy bodies. Cindy, would you ask Mom and Dad to come down?
(Greg is finishing the piece of pie that Alice gave him.)
Greg: Thanks, Alice. I guess I’d better get up to my room now and study this. I got a test tomorrow.
Alice: wait a minute, uh…
Greg: What’s the matter?
Alice: Uhh, uhh, uhh, ice cream. All that pie was supposed to be a la mode. You got cheated on every piece you had. (He gets up) No I’ll get it. Look, the way I figure it, you’ve got about a half gallon coming.
Greg: Honest, Alice, I couldn’t eat another bite.
(Marcia and Warren are talking in the living room.)
Marcia (to Warren): I guess my worst subject is history, I get confused with the dates and…
(Greg comes by and gets angry seeing Warren there.)
Warren (oblivious): Hi, Greg.
Greg (to Marcia): What’s he doing here?
Marcia: Warren’s taking me to the pizza parlor tonight.
Greg: He’s the guy you were talking about?
Greg: Well, you can tell him to leave before I throw him out.
Warren: Greg, what are you so sore about?
(Mike and Carol come downstairs.)
Marcia: Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet Warren Mullaney. Warren, this is my mom and dad.
(Greg angrily goes upstairs.)
Mike: Hello, Warren.
Carol: Nice to meet you.
Warren: Nice meeting you too, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.
(Next, Mike and Carol are in the living room. Carol is on the phone with her friend, Martha.)
Carol: Oh yeah, Martha. Oh, sure, the kids can hardly wait. Well, the junior high carnival is the highlight of the year for them. Mmm hmmm, yeah. Well, hold on just a second Martha, I’ll ask him, okay? (to Mike) Martha wants to know if the dunking machine is ready?
Mike (pretending to yell from another room): The dunking machine is ready, Martha.
Carol: Did you hear that, Martha? Yeah, the dunking machine is ready? (She starts to laugh) Martha, you are a devil. Yeah, that would be funny, mmm hmm. (She motions to Mike to pretend to call her from another room) Yeah, uh huh, yeah, Martha, yeah.
Mike (repeating his yell): Honey, would you come here.
Carol: Well, look Martha, yeah, I have to go. Mike’s calling me, uh huh, I think something is burning. Yeah, sure, I’ll do that. Okay, Martha, bye. (to Mike) You know what she said?
Carol: She thought it would be fun to get the principal on the dunking machine.
Mike (laughing): Empty every piggy bank in school.
Carol: You know what I think? I think it would be fun to get Martha on the dunking machine. She never stops talking.
(Marcia comes back from her date.)
Marcia: Good night Warren, thank you.
Carol: Hi, honey, did you have a good time?
Marcia: Well, it was okay.
Mike: That’s all? Just okay?
Marcia: Yeah, you know, I thought, wow, a high school boy. But warren’s just the same as the boys in my junior high class, except he shaves once a month.
Mike: Maybe you ought to catch him on the nights he shaves.
Marcia: He did put on some smelly aftershave lotion. At first I thought it was the pepperoni pizza he ordered. (She finishes her sentence with a laugh) Anyway, i was going to invite him to the school carnival Friday night.
Carol: What made you change your mind?
Marcia: Well, he’s not all that great, and I don’t see any sense in getting Greg all upset. (She gets up) Good night.
(She kisses them good night.)
Mike: Good night, sweetheart.
Carol: Good night, darling.
(Later, she is upstairs about to brush her teeth when Greg confronts her.)
Marcia: Just a minute.
Greg: As soon as you’re finished, I want to talk to you.
Marcia: Good, I want to talk to you too. I’ve decided…
Greg: I don’t care what you’ve decided. You better not go out with Warren Mullaney again.
Marcia: But Greg…
Greg: No buts about it, you better not go out with him. I’m telling you once and for all, okay?
Marcia: Since when did you become my boss?
Greg: You heard me, Marcia. Don’t go out with him.
Marcia: And what if I do?
Greg: Well then, Miss Benedict Arnold, you’ll find out what.
(Marcia angrily brushes her teeth as the scene fades.)
(The next scene has Peter, Bobby, Jan and Cindy in the kitchen arguing what they want for lunch. Greg and Marcia are sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast.)
Alice (whistling through her teeth): Hold it!
Carol: Whatever you have in your hands right now, that is lunch. Now come on, scoot. You’re going to be late for school.
(The kids noisily leave.)
Greg (to Marcia): You thought about what I said last night? (Marcia glares at him but doesn’t say anything) Did you hear me?
Marcia: I heard you?
Greg: Well, what are you gonna do about it?
Marcia: I’m gonna ask Warren to go to the school carnival with me.
Greg: You’re gonna what?
Marcia: I wasn’t going to until you opened your big mouth. Now I am!
Greg: Marcia, you better not!
Marcia: Not only that, I’m gonna ask Warren to come home from school today with me and help me with my homework.
Greg: Marcia, you’re really asking for trouble!
Marcia: And just who’s gonna give me to me?
Greg: You’re looking at him!
Marcia: Oh, I’m so scared!
Carol: What is this, a shouting match?
Marcia: Greg thinks he’s my boss. He thinks he can tell me who i can go out with and who I can’t.
Mike: Did you say that, Greg?
Marcia: That’s exactly what he said, if I go out with Warren, or if I ask him to come over this afternoon, he’d make trouble for me!
Carol: Marcia, I think you’re going to be late for school, honey.
Greg: I guess I better be going too.
Mike: I think you have a little time left. Sit down. (He sits down with Greg) You didn’t answer my question.
Greg: Yes sir, I said that.
Carol: Listen, Greg, it’s not for you to tell Marcia who to go out with.
Greg: Mom, can you imagine how I felt when I saw that guy, my worst enemy right here in my own home.
Mike: This is Marcia’s home too. And as long as your mother and I approve, she can invite anyone over that she wants to. (Greg starts getting up) Is that clear?
Greg: Yes, sir.
(Greg grabs his lunch and starts to leave, then he stops suddenly.)
Greg: Does that go for the rest of us, too?
Mike: Sure it does.
Carol: We don’t have any special rules just for Marcia.
Carol: What was that turnaround all about? What’s so great?
Mike: I don’t know, and I’m not sure I wanna find out.
(Next, the Brady booth is complete and Cindy gets in, waiting to get dunked.)
Bobby (protesting): Why can’t I go first?
Cindy: Because it’s ladies first.
Alice: You can be next, Bobby.
Bobby: I wanna go first.
Peter: Oh, knock it off. When are you gonna grow up?
Bobby: When i get older.
Alice (to Cindy): Okay, you all set?
Cindy: Mmm hmm.
Alice: Let her rip, Peter. Wait till I get out of here, when I take a bath, I want hot water, a little privacy and a lot of bubbles.
(Peter starts to throw balls to dunk Cindy.)
Peter: Okay, here it comes.
(He throws but misses.)
Cindy: You missed.
Bobby: Some arm.
Peter: Oh, come on. Give me a chance. I’m not warmed up yet.
(He throws again and hits. Cindy falls in the water.)
Alice (laughing): hang on, honey. here comes the Coast Guard.
Bobby (running to the booth): My turn now.
(Cindy climbs out of the booth.)
Peter (to Bobby): Did you see that/ Right smack in the middle!
Bobby: Yeah, Vida Blue better start worrying about his job.
(Cindy is out of the booth wrapped in a towel.)
Cindy: Why can’t I do it again?
Bobby: Because it’s my turn.
Alice: Yeah, only one dunk to a customer. And besides, you promised to help me make some cookies for carnival.
Cindy: Oh, yeah.
Bobby (climbing to the top of the booth): Okay Pete, really lay one in there. I’m ready.
Peter: Okay, here it comes.
(He throws a ball but misses.)
Bobby: Come on, hit the target.
Peter: I’m trying to.
(He goes to retrieve the ball. Carol comes outside.)
Carol (calling): Peter, it’s time to do your homework.
Peter (calling back): in a minute, Mom.
Carol: Not in a minute, now.
(She smiles and waves approval to him.)
Bobby: Hey, I want to get dunked.
Peter: You heard what Mom said.
(He goes inside. Bobby goes to the level and pulls it down for him to fall in. Peter comes outside for a minute.)
Peter: You make a dumb looking mermaid.
(Bobby splashes him.)
(Next, Marcia is in the family room studying with Warren.)
Marcia: The first United Nations conference was held in (Pause) San Francisco.
(Jan comes in and silently calls to Marcia, then motions to her to come to her.)
Marcia: Jan’s at the childish age where she’s big on secrets. I’ll be back ina minute.
(Jan grabs Marcia by the hand and takes her to the kitchen.)
Marcia (annoyed): What do you want?
Jan: Greg’s on his way home from school.
Marcia (beaming): Oh, good. I can’t wait to see his face when he sees Warren here.
Jan: You better get a grip on your own face. he’s bringing someone home.
Jan: That girl that beat you out at cheerleading, Kathy Lawrence.
Marcia: Kathy Lawrence? (Jan nods) He knows she’s at the bottom of my list. He’s just trying to bug me.
Jan: What are you going to do about it?
Marcia (smiling): Nothing, not a thing.
Jan (shocked): Nothing?
Marcia: I’m not gonna let Kathy bother me one bit. I won’t give Greg the satisfaction.
(She goes back in the family room, leaving Jan bewildered. She’s back in the family room with Warren.)
Marcia: A parallelogram. (Pause) Oh yeah, it’s a, (Marcia sees Greg and Kathy coming in) It’s a four sided figure in which each air of opposite sides remains the same distance apart.
Greg (coming inside with Kathy): I’m sure it wasn’t too hard for you. (He sees Marcia) Hi, Marcia. You know Kathy, don’t you?
Marcia: Why, of course. It’s so nice to see you again, Kathy.
Kathy: Hi, Marcia.
Marcia: Oh, this is Warren Mullaney.
Marcia: Warren’s on the first string basketball team in high school.
Greg: Kathy’s head cheerleader now.
Marcia: Oh, congratulations, Kathy.
Kathy: I’m sorry you didn’t make cheerleading Marcia, it’s really fun.
Marcia: Oh well, you can’t win ’em all.
Greg: Um, come on Kathy, let’s do your homework.
(They go into the living room.)
Kathy: I sure was surprised to see you today. I didn’t think you even remembered me.
Greg: How could I forget you. I mean, I really dig the way you lead those cheers.
Kathy: No kidding?
Greg: Especially that F-F-F-I-L one. Hey, how about doing that for me now.
Kathy (sheepishly): Here? I’d feel embarrassed. Besides, I came over to study.
Greg: Please Kathy, I’d really like to hear it. Besides, I’m gonna help you do your homework.
Kathy: Well, okay. (She makes the cheers unenthusiastically) F-F-FIL, L-L-LMO,O-O-ORE.
Greg: Come on, Kathy.
Greg: Really do it.
Kathy: Are you sure it will be all right?
Greg (giving her the okay signal): Positive.
Kathy: If you say so. (She cheers a little louder) F-F-FIL,L-LMO,O-O-ORE. Fillmore Junior High!
Kathy: F-F-FIL,L-LMO,O-O-ORE. Fillmore Junior High! (Marcia and Warren get distracted as Kathy repeats the cheer with all her energy) F-F-FIL,L-LMO,O-O-ORE. Fillmore Junior High! Yay team, yay team, yay!
(Marcia comes out.)
Greg (clapping): That was terrific, Kathy. that was great.
Marcia: That was a wonderful cheer, Kathy. Warren thinks it’s better than the high school cheer for his first string basketball team. (to Greg) I hope you’re still not sulking about being replaced.
Greg (to Kathy): Would you excuse me, please?
Greg: Got a second, Marcia?
Marcia: Got all the time you want.
(Greg takes Marcia into the kitchen. Kathy gives a suspicious look.)
Greg (to Marcia): Sulking, that was a dirty trick!
Marcia: Speaking of dirty tricks, how about you inviting miss Rah-rah?
Greg: You started it by bringing over that sardine!
(The rest of the kids are looking through the window at Greg and Marcia’s argument. Carol, Mike and Alice are coming back from the store.)
Carol: Hey kids, what’s going on?
Mike: What’s the big attraction?
Peter: Hi Mom, Hi Dad. Greg and Marcia are really going at it.
Jan: You should hear them.
Bobby: I’ve never seen them so mad.
Carol: About what?
Cindy: About Kathy Lawrence.
Peter: Greg asked Kathy over to bug Marcia for asking warren over to bug him.
Alice: Sounds like an unpopularity contest.
(Mike puts a bag of groceries in Alice’s hands.)
Mike: The whole thing is beginning to bug me.
(Carol also puts a bag in Alice’s arms and follows Mike inside.)
Cindy: Can we listen?
Carol: No, kids, you stay out here.
Bobby: How come we always have to miss the good stuff?
(The kids start walking away, ignoring the fact that Alice has three bags of groceries in her arms.)
Alice: Mayday! Mayday! Anybody?
(Cut back into the living room.)
Marcia: You started the whole thing by trying to boss me.
Greg: Benedict Arnold, that’s who you are.
(Mike and Carol come inside to confront them.)
Mike: Hi. think we better have a little talk.
Marcia: Dad, I have a guest in the family room.
Mike: Your guest can wait.
Greg: And Kathy’s waiting for me…
Carol: Uh, she can wait, too. (They motion for them to march into the family room) After you.
(In the den, Mike is lecturing them.)
Mike: You’ve both been behaving very badly.
Carol: And that’s putting it mildly. can’t you see what you’ve been doing?
Marcia: I was fighting with Greg.
Mike: But there’s something more important here. You’ve involved other people. You’ve been using Warren and Kathy.
Marcia: What do you mean using them?
Carol: Well, you kept on seeing Warren even after you said he wasn’t all that great.
Mike: Yes, did he suddenly get great or was he the best way to get back at Greg?
Carol: I think Warren had the impression that you really liked him.
Mike: What about you, son? Is Kathy Lawrence really your choice for a date or was she the best thorn you could find to put in Marcia’s side?
Greg: I guess there are other girls I’d rather see.
Carol: Can’t you see how selfish and unfair you’ve been to them?
Greg: I don’t know what else to say except I’m sorry.
Marcia: I am too.
Mike: Well, don’t tell us, tell them.
(Outside, Alice is collecting towels around the booth when she climbs to the top to take one of them.)
Marcia: Alice, do you know what happened to Warren and Kathy?
Alice: Well, like you kids say, they split.
Greg: they must have been pretty mad at us.
Alice: No, they didn’t look mad. In fact, they looked kind of chummy.
Marcia: What do you mean chummy?
Alice: Well, he said, hey, how would you like to go to the pizza parlor and she said far out. And she said, how about taking me to the carnival Friday night and he said, far out. They said so long, and I said, far out. I didn’t want them to think I wasn’t on it.
Greg: With it.
Alice: With it.
Greg: How about that?
Marcia: I’m really glad for them.
Greg: Me too. But we still have to apologize. Let’s go down to the pizza parlor.
Marcia: Far out.
(They leave and Alice grabs another towel that is tangled on the lever and it causes her to fall in.)
Alice: Oh, come on, who thought that was funny? Who’s throwing the thing with the baseball/ Hey, that’s kind of nice.
(She splashes around in the water for a few minutes and the scene fades.)
(The final scene has the family returning home from the carnival with prizes in their hands.)
Alice: Gee, that was a great carnival.
( After a bit of gibberish conversation, Mike shows the family a goldfish he won.)
Mike: What should we do with the goldfish?
Carol: Hey, you should look at it through my magnifying glass. You’ll really think you caught something.
Cindy: Hey, Alice, you didn’t tell us what you got.
Carol: Yeah, Alice.
Alice: Oh, just a pair of those silly kid trick handcuffs.
(They all laugh.)
Carol: All right kids, that’s enough carnival for one night.
Mike: Will you get the lights, Alice?
Alice: Sure, Mr. Brady.
Mike: Okay, good night.
(Everyone goes upstairs while Alice tries unsuccessfully to get the cuffs off her hands.)