The Personality Kid
Written by Ben Starr
Peter is convinced he has no personality. I hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
KATHY, Marcia’s friend
KYLE, girl at Peter’s party
JUDY, another girl at party
SUSIE, another girl at party
BOYS at party
(The episode begins with Peter outside, coming home from a party. Bobby and Cindy are in the kitchen with Mike and Carol, learning about safety infractions. They show them some plugs they put in the outlet.)
Bobby: See, it’s one of these.
Mike: Boy, it sure is.
Cindy: It’s called an octopus.
Bobby: See why?
Carol: It certainly looks like an octopus.
Cindy: It’s very dangerous. The teacher talked about it in class.
Bobby: It tells all about it in the home safety drive stuff.
(He shows Mike a pamphlet.)
Mike (reading): Any wall receptacle with more than two appliances being used at one time is an overload, and it can overheat.
Cindy: Ms. Barnaby says that’s why we’re having this home safety drive.
Bobby: Let’s go look upstairs.
(Mike cautions them.)
Mike: Listen, those sockets are full of electric current.
Carol: So be careful.
Mike (to Carol): This home inspection thing is a good idea.
Carol: Yeah, I think so.
(Alice comes out to the kitchen.)
Alice: Inspection completed. You can tell the kids my room is 100% safe.
Mike: Yep, so is the kitchen.
Carol: Now that we’ve gotten rid of the octopus.
Alice: Oh, good. (She suddenly realizes) Octopus?
(Peter comes in through the front door. Mike and Carol see him.)
Mike: Peter, what are you doing home so early?
Carol: Why did you leave Jane’s party?
Peter: Well, something happened.
(He starts heading up the stairs.)
Mike: Pete, what happened?
Peter: I don’t wanna talk about it.
(He goes upstairs.)
Carol (to Mike): Well, something happened at that party.
(They go up the stairs and the scene fades out.)
(Peter is up in his room, sitting at the desk with his chin dragging. Mike and Carol come in.)
Mike: Hey, what happened at the party?
Peter: If you really wanna know, nothing.
Peter: Nothing! Nobody talked to me all night.
Mike: Ah, go on, you’re exaggerating.
Peter: Well, one guy did. He said…
Mike: What did he say?
Peter: He said I have no personality.
Carol: No personality?
(Peter gets up and walks to the mirror.)
Peter: See? Nothing, zero. Let’s face it, I’m dull.
Carol: That’s ridiculous.
Mike: Sure it is. You have a good personality.
Peter: Parents have to say junk like that.
Carol: Now Peter, you know that isn’t so.
Mike: Turn around. (He directs him to the mirror) Look in there and tell me what you see.
Peter: Same as before, dull me.
Mike: You know what I see? I see a fella who had a crummy time at a party, that’s all. Just like his pop used to have when he was his age, hmm?
Carol: And like your mother still has at certain lunches. (She kisses his cheek) You’ll feel much better after you have a good night sleep.
Mike: Your mom’s right. This won’t seem like such a big thing in the morning.
Carol (handing him his jacket): Good night, and don’t forget to hang that up, okay?
(They leave the room and Mike closes the door. Peter looks himself in the mirror.)
Peter (to himself): Boy, are you dull.
(The next scene have Bobby and Cindy going over another safety technique with Carol.)
Carol: Well, I hope these are the right kind of plugs.
Bobby: Just the kind the teacher said to get, instead of that old octopus.
(Alice comes out.)
Alice: You know that all last night I dreamt about octopuses, octopussies, octopoo?
(She walks away to put towels away. Mike leaves for a golf game.)
Mike (to Carol): Good bye, darling.
(He kisses her.)
Carol: Oh, bye, honey. Have a good day. Good luck.
Bobby: Wait a minute, Dad.
Mike: Fore, fore, fore!
Bobby: We still have a lot more to do on our safety campaign.
Cindy: Here’s a whistle.
Mike: What am I supposed to do with it?
Bobby: You blow it.
Mike: I know you blow it, for what reason?
Cindy: A fire drill! We have to have a fire drill.
Bobby: Our teacher said we have to practice getting out of the house real fast.
Mike: Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to do right now. Look, we’ll have one when I get back, I promise. Good bye.
(Meanwhile, Peter is upstairs with Greg.)
Peter: I don’t wanna talk about it!
(He gets down from his top bunk and sits on Greg’s bed. Greg sits on a chair to speak to him.)
Greg: Pete, hey Pete, well listen, if you can’t tell me, what are brothers for? Now come on, what’s bugging you?
Peter: Well, last night I found out I haven’t got something everybody else has.
Peter: It’s something important.
Peter: Something real important.
Greg: Tell me, will ya?
Peter: A personality. I don’t have a personality.
Greg: You don’t have a what?
Peter: I’m dull, D-U-L-L.
Greg: For crying out loud, that’s stupid. S-T-U-P-I-D.
Peter: No it’s not. I’m so dull, I’m almost invisible.
Greg: Come on, Pete, you’re not dull. There are lots of guys duller than you.
Greg: Well, there’s, (Pause) I’ll think of somebody.
(The next scene has Mike coming home and Bobby and Cindy come out to greet him.)
Mike: Ho ho.
Cindy (handing him a whistle): Just blow right in here.
Mike (laughing): Okay, okay, we’ll have a fire drill.
(Bobby and Cindy jump for joy and they go inside the house. He conducts a fire drill but has the family believing it is a surprise.)
Mike: Okay, everybody ready? (They all say yes) Remember, I’m going to time us. Oh, try to act like you don’t know it’s coming, see. Go about your everyday business, do what you’re doing, because it’s got to be natural.
Carol (calling): Mike, would you blow the whistle!
(He blows. Everybody comes down the stairs as quickly as they can, all except Peter. Alice meets them outside with an uncooked chicken in her hand.)
Carol: Alice, what are you doing out here with that chicken?
Alice: Oh, well, Mr. Brady said to go ahead and do whatever we were doing.
Carol (laughing): Oh, Alice.
Alice: Besides, if there had been a real fire, it would have been too well done in there.
Mike (looking at his watch): Listen, considering this was our first fire drill, we didn’t do too badly. 21 seconds.
Carol: Hey, good, huh?
Bobby: Next time the fire drill has to be a surprise, right, Dad?
Mike: That’s what I was trying to tell you at the bottom of the…
Carol (interrupting): Right, Mike. Next time we’re not gonna get any warning.
Alice (to the kitchen): Hear that, kid? Next time, you’re on your own.
(She goes back in the house, as do Mike and Carol.)
Marcia: Why didn’t Peter come down?
Cindy: That’s against the rules.
Bobby: Mom said he didn’t have to.
Greg: Pete’s down in the dumps about something.
Greg: Well, the other night at the party, some guy told him he was dull, that he had no personality.
Jan: And Pete believed him?
Marcia: That’s silly.
Greg: Well, that just goes to show you, if you aren’t too careful of what you say, you can sure hurt somebody’s feelings.
(Greg and Bobby go inside.)
Marcia: Maybe there’s a way he can help Peter.
Jan: Yeah, but how?
Cindy: Yeah, how?
Marcia: Well, if one person can say something to make someone feel bad, then maybe another person can say something to make them feel good.
(The next day, Peter comes home from school, with Marcia and her friend Kathy waiting for him.)
Marcia (to Kathy): Here he comes. (They sit down and pretend to look at magazines) Just don’t be too obvious Kathy, Peter’s pretty sharp.
(Peter comes in.)
Kathy: Hello, Peter.
Marcia: Pete, what’s that science fiction movie you were talking about? The one that’s on this week?
Peter: The invasion of the potato people.
Marcia: That’s it.
Kathy: What’s it about?
Peter: Oh, just a dumb old science fiction movie.
Kathy: Thank you, Peter. That was very considerate of you.
Peter: What was? I didn’t do anything?
Kathy: You took the trouble to help us. Attractive boys aren’t usually so nice.
Marcia: You’re right. What’s the movie about, Pete?
Peter: Oh, just a drippy old scientist.
Kathy: That sounds so exciting!
Kathy: The way you say it, I guess. (to Marcia) You know, he has such a way with words.
Peter: I do?
Kathy: Well us more.
Peter: Well, the scientist is trying to protect the earth from these terrible potato people.
Kathy: Oh, you make it sound so scary.
Marcia: Do the potato people look like potatoes?
Peter: Yeah, they got eyes all over them. They’re trying to plant themselves in the earth and take it over.
Kathy: I could die, he’s too much!
Peter: They’re kind of an icky dirt color, and they’ve got these sprouts sticking on top of the potato heads.
Kathy: I’ve got goosebumps the way you tell it! He’s so forceful, and what a memory!
Peter: The best part is when the scientist hides behind a rock, like this. (He goes behind a chair) He’s trying to wipe out the potato people. He injects the ground with a secret chemical…
(He hides behind the chair and Cindy comes in.)
Cindy: Is Peter home form school yet?
Marcia (angry): Cindy!
(She points to the chair.)
Cindy: Did Kathy trick him yet? Did she make him feel better?
(Peter comes out from the chair.)
Peter (upset): What do you mean trick me?
Cindy: Sorry, Marcia.
(She runs away embarrassed. Peter gets angry and goes upstairs.)
Marcia: We were only trying to help, Pete.
Kathy: You really did make the story sound exciting.
(Peter goes in his room and looks himself in the mirror.)
Peter: Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who’s the dullest one of all.
(He points to himself as the scene fades.)
(In the next scene, Mike and Carol are in the living room and the telephone rings.)
Carol (answering): Hello. Yes he is. May I tell Peter who’s calling? Oh sure, Peggy, hold on a minute.
Mike (calling): Peter! (He calls a little louder) PETER! (He comes down the stairs) Telephone for you.
Peter: Who is it?
Carol: It’s Peggy.
Peter (getting on the phone): Hi, Peggy. When’s the party? Wait a minute, let me check. (He ponders for a few seconds) Sorry, I’m doing something that night. Thanks anyway, bye.
Carol (shocked): Peter, why did you do that?
Peter: Well, how would you like to be the fourth guy asked to a party?
Mike: What difference does it make? First, fourth, or whatever,
Peter: Well, anyway, I don’t care if I go or not. I’m just plain dull at parties.
Carol: Peter, if you were as dull as you think you are, would anybody invite you to a party?
Peter: I don’t think I’m dull, I know I’m dull.
Carol: Well, I just think you decided to feel sorry for yourself and enjoy it.
Mike: You know, I’m disappointed in you. You’re quitting. That’s not how you cope with problems. Stop moping around. If you don’t like your personality, improve it, change it.
(Later on, Peter is in his room looking at the mirror. Mike’s advice about changing his personality gets played again in his head.)
Peter: Dad’s right, but change it to what?
(He turns on the television and sees a movie, one that featured an Englishman and woman. The man and woman are trading romantic lines. Peter gets up, goes to the mirror and repeats to himself what was said.)
Peter: You suave, hypnotic charmer.
(The next scene has Bobby going upstairs and Mike about to conduct another fire drill.)
Mike: Bobby, go on upstairs. You’re not supposed to know.
Bobby (whispering): It’s a surprise fire drill, right?
Mike: Yeah, it’s a surprise fire drill. So go on upstairs. (Bobby goes upstairs) and pretend you don’t know.
(Bobby goes in his room and Mike is ready to blow the whistle. However, Alice comes from the kitchen.)
Alice: I love surprises.
(Mike blows and all the kids, with the exception of Peter, run down the stairs and go outside, where they are joined by Alice and Carol.)
Mike: Well, I don’t know. Peter’s not here yet.
Carol: Oh, where is he?
(Peter comes out with an umbrella in hand.)
Peter (mocking a British accent): Top of the day, old chaps.
Cindy: What’s the umbrella for?
Bobby: There aren’t even any clouds.
Greg: Peter, what’s the joke?
Peter: Joke? it’s my new personality. Don’t you like it?
Carol: Well, Peter, it.
Peter (discouraged): You don’t like it.
(He walks away unhappily. We next see Peter watching another movie in his room, supposedly one with Humphrey Bogart. After a few dialogues, Peter tucked his teeth below his lip, goes to the mirror and does an impression of Bogart.)
Peter (lisping): If you want me sweetheart, just whistle?
(Peter goes to the kitchen, where Carol and Alice are preparing dinner. He tries to do his imitation on them.)
Peter (lisping): Hi, Mom. Hi, Alice. What’s for dinner?
Carol: Pork chops.
Peter: Pork chops, huh? What else?
Alice: Apple sauce.
Peter: Pork chops and apple sauce, isn’t that swell?
Carol: Have you got something stuck in your teeth?
Peter: Why do you say that?
Mike (coming in the door): Hi honey, I’m home.
(She comes out to greet him.)
Peter (to Alice): You say we’re having pork chops and applesauce for dinner?
Peter: That’s swell.
(Cut to the family room.)
Carol: Hi, honey.
Mike: Hi, sweetheart.
(They hug and kiss.)
Mike: What’s for dinner?
Carol (lisping): Pork chops and apple sauce.
Carol: Pork chops and applesauce. Isn’t that swell?
Mike: I think you need a vacation.
Carol: Guess who’s coming to dinner.
Mike: A psychiatrist, I hope.
Carol: No, I think it’s Humphrey Bogart. I’m not sure.
(Peter comes out to see Mike.)
Peter: Hi, Dad.
Mike: Hi, Peter.
Peter: We’re having pork chops and applesauce.
Mike (laughing): Hey Pete, that’s pretty good. Of course, there’s only one Humphrey Bogart. I doubt whether they’ll ever be another one.
Peter (talking in his normal voice): You don’t like this new personality either?
Carol: Oh well, that’s just the trouble, Peter. it’s not your new personality, it’s Humphrey Bogart’s old one.
Peter: All the great personalities belong to somebody else.
Mike: Well, why don’t you try to stop trying to imitate other people and just develop your own personality.
Peter: It’s not going to be easy.
(He feels more discouraged and goes upstairs.)
Carol (to Mike): I hope there’s not an old Dracula movie on TV tonight.
Mike (in a Transylvanian accent): Why, you don’t like Dracula? Let me kiss your lily white neck.
(He starts to slobber on her neck.)
Carol (laughing): Mike, cut that out. You know I can’t stand it!
(Next, Mike is showing Carol a new sketch he made in his den.)
Mike: See, I added a central courtyard here to handle all the traffic flow.
Carol: Gee, I think that’s very attractive.
Mike: Yeah, I think that helps.
(He sips his coffee and Peter knocks at the door.)
Carol: Oh, come on in, Peter.
Peter: Well, if you’re busy, I can come back.
Mike: No, it’s okay, Pete. Come on in.
Peter: Well, I was wondering, would you like to hear a joke?
Mike: A joke?
Carol: Well, sure.
Peter: It’s probably not too funny.
Carol: Well, why don’t you try it and see.
Peter: You don’t have to laugh if you don’t feel like it.
Mike: Let us be the judge. Let’s hear it.
Peter: You know why horses can’t go to college?
Mike: No, why can’t horses go to college?
Peter: Because they can’t finish high school.
(Mike and Carol laugh.)
Carol: Where did you hear that?
Peter: I got it out of a joke book I bought.
Mike: That’s pretty good. You got another one?
Peter: Yeah. If teachers are so smart, how come they’re still in school?
(Before he can deliver the punchline, Alice comes in.)
Alice: More coffee, what’s so funny?
Carol: Oh, Peter’s really telling us some good jokes.
Alice: Oh, I love a joke.
Mike: Go ahead, tell another one.
Peter: Well, these two guys meet on a corner, and one guy says to the other, my brother just got a job making switches for the electric company. And the other guy says is it steady work? And the first guy says, no, it’s just off and on.
(They all laugh, especially Alice. Next, Peter is in the kitchen telling Greg, Bobby and Alice another joke.)
Peter: Do you know what’s gray and stamps out jungle fires?
Greg: No, what’s gray and stamps out jungle fires.
Peter: Smokey the elephant.
(They laugh. He is next telling the girls a joke.)
Peter: Tell me. What do you get when you cross a parrot and a tiger?
Marcia: I don’t know. What do you get when you cross a parrot and a tiger?
Peter: I don’t know either, but when it talks, you better listen.
(They laugh hysterically. Mike and Carol are in bed discussing the kids.)
Mike: How are the kids coming with the safety campaign?
Carol: Oh, we must have the safest house in the country by now.
Carol: The only thing left are seat belts for the dining room chairs.
Mike (laughing): Don’t give that idea to the kids. (They hear a knock on the door) Come in.
Peter (entering the room): Can I talk to you for a minute?
Carol: Sure, what is it, Peter?
Peter: Well, I wanted to ask you something. Can I have a party?
Mike: A party? Okay, it’s all right with me if it’s all right with your mom.
Carol: Sure, I don’t mind.
Peter: Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.
Carol: What’s the occasion?
Peter: I just want to tell a few jokes and let everybody see my new personality.
Mike: You’re coming out of your shell, that’s good.
Peter: Well, now that I’ve got that great new personality, why should I waste it on just the family?
Carol: You know, Mike, I think Peter’s jokes are kind of cute, but maybe the kids he invites to the party won’t.
Mike: Honey, kids usually like those kind of jokes. Besides, he’s finally enthusiastic about something. It’s important.
Carol: Well, I guess you’re right. Who knows? Maybe Bob Hope started.
(She laughs and pokes him. The next scene has Peter’s party in progress, with several friends in attendance, along with Greg and Marcia. Bobby and Cindy are watching from upstairs, as they were excluded.)
Peter (shouting): Hey, everybody, wanna hear a joke?
(All the kids shout approval and gather around him.)
Peter: Okay, this man walks into a restaurant and he says to the waiter, do you serve crabs? And the waiter says…
Boy#1: Sit down, we serve anyone.
(All the kids laugh. Mike, Carol and Alice hear them from the kitchen.)
Carol: Hey, listen, he’s really killing them.
Mike: My son, the comedian.
(Cut back to the party.)
Peter: I guess you all heard that one. Well, how about this one? This lady goes to the doctor and she says, Doctor, when I get well, will I be able to play the violin? And the doctor said, of course, and the lady said, that’s great…
Boy #2: Because I never played it before.
(The kids laugh. The grownups hear and think Peter is succeeding with his newfound personality.)
Mike; He’s really knocking them dead.
Carol: Well, I was right. Another Bob Hope.
(Peter comes in the kitchen, feeling discouraged.)
Alice: Sounds like everybody’s having a ball, Peter.
Peter: Yeah, some ball.
Mike: What’s the matter? We hear them laughing.
Peter: Sure, every time I start to tell a joke, someone else tells the punchline.
(He grabs some chips and brings them out. Then he sits at the bottom of the stairs, feeling sorry for himself. Kyle, a guest at his party, comes to speak to him.)
Kyle: What’s the matter, Peter?
Kyle: Then why are you sitting by yourself? That’s what you did last week at Jane’s party.
Peter: I don’t wanna ruin everybody’s fun, I’m too dull.
Kyle: You’re not dull, I think you’re very nice.
Peter: You’re just saying that.
Kyle: I am not, and if you don’t believe me, ask somebody else. (to another girl) Hey, Judy, come here.
Judy: What’s up?
Kyle: Peter thinks he’s dull.
Judy: Peter, dull, that’s silly.
Kyle: That’s what I said too.
(Susie, another girl, comes by.)
Susie: Hey, what’s going on?
Judy: Peter says he’s dull. Isn’t that ridiculous?
Susie: It sure is.
(Cut back to the kitchen.)
Carol: Poor Peter. He must be miserable in there.
(All the girls at the party are surrounding Peter by now.)
Peter: Mmm, no, I’m not shy. I really am dull. Have you seen anyone duller than me?
Alice (watching): if Peter’s miserable, that’s the only way to be miserable.
(Carol and Mike come by and notice the girls flirting with Peter. At this moment, Bobby and Cindy blow their whistle to signal a fire drill.)
Bobby and Cindy: FIRE! FIRE!
(Everybody goes outside.)
Bobby (passing by Peter): How’s that for a surprise?
(Mike and Carol come up to Peter.)
Peter (bitter): What a dumb time for a fire drill, just when I was having fun with my five guests.
Carol: You had 11 guests, Peter.
Peter: Five, who counts boys?
(He goes outside with the others.)
Mike: He’s a chip off the old block, huh?
Carol: Oh, yeah, since when?
(They go outside and the scene fades.)
(The final scene has Peter helping Mike and Carol clean up the party.)
Peter: I was right all along. I am dull.
Mike: Oh, Peter, don’t start that again.
Peter; Oh, I don’t mind. I like it.
Carol: You like it?
Peter: It’s great. My personality’s making me very popular. Girls love a dull guy.
Carol: You don’t say.
Peter: Sure, they hang around you, and they try to convince you that you’re not dull. I’m the first guy invited to three parties next week.
(He goes out to the kitchen.)
Carol (to Mike): Well, looks like dull is in this year. Why don’t you change your personality, dear.
Mike (lisping): If you say so, sweetheart.
Carol (lisping): How would you like some pork chops and applesauce.
Mike: I’d rather have a kiss.
Carol: Oh, it’s the first time I ever kissed Humphrey Bogart.