The Not-So-Rose-Colored Glasses
Written by Bruce Howard
Jan learns she needs to wear glasses. Meanwhile, Mike and Carol celebrate their wedding anniversary. Hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
MIKE BRADY
CAROL BRADY
ALICE NELSON
GREG BRADY
MARCIA BRADY
PETER BRADY
JAN BRADY
BOBBY BRADY
CINDY BRADY
MR. GAYLORD, photographer
(The episode begins with Jan riding home on her bicycle. Meanwhile, Mike devises a scheme to have a picture of the kids taken as his anniversary gift to Carol. He has Alice feign a toothache so Carol will drive her to the dentist.)
Mike: Hey, Alice, are you all set?
Alice: Oh yes, Mr. Brady. Don’t worry about a thing. I got it all worked out.
Mike: How are you gonna do it?
Alice: Old fashioned toothache. (she shows him a preview of her having a splitting tooth) When Mrs. Brady takes me to the dentist, you take the kids to the photographers.
Mike: Hey, I hope it works. It’s kind of hard to put anything over on Mrs. Brady.
(Carol comes into the kitchen.)
Carol: Mike.
(Alice pretends she has a toothache.)
Mike: Oh, that’s a shame, Alice.
Carol: What’s a shame? (Alice pretends she’s in pain) What’s the matter?
Mike: Alice has a terrible toothache.
Alice: Well, it’s beginning to swell. I really ought to get to a dentist.
Carol: Well, of course.
Alice: Well, I wouldn’t dream of letting you drive me, Mrs. Brady. I can take a bus. I only have to transfer three times.
Carol: Don’t be ridiculous, Alice. I’m driving you and no arguments.
Alice: Thanks a lot.
(Carol and Mike give each other funny looks.)
Mike: Poor Alice.
(They get a phone call. Mike answers.)
Mike: Hello. Mr. Brenner? Oh, from the playground, what can I do for you? Jan, what about her?
Carol: Is Jan all right?
(Mike nods.)
Mike: Are you sure? Well, I doubt it, but I will look right into it, Mr. Brenner. Yeah, thanks for calling.
(He hangs up.)
Carol: What is it, Mike?
Mike: Mr. Brenner said that Jan left the playground and she took some girl’s bike.
Carol: Took some girl’s bike? That’s silly, Jan has her own bike.
Mike: He also says he has an eyewitness that says she stole it.
Carol: Stole it? Well, I don’t believe it.
(Jan comes home and parks the bike. Mike and Carol go outside to confront her.)
Mike: Let’s see what this is all about.
(The scene fades.)
(The next scene picks up from the last, with Jan coming into the house. She sees Mike and Carol.)
Jan: Hi.
Mike: Jan, we just got a call from Mr. Brenner.
Jan: What about?
Carol: he said you took someone else’s bike from the playground.
Jan: Why would I do that? I got my own bike.
Mike (looking it over): Jan, this isn’t your bicycle. Among other things, yours has a dent in it when Bobby ran into it that day.
Jan (shocked): You’re right, this isn’t my bicycle!
Carol: Well, it does look like hers. It’s the same make, same color, everything.
Jan: What a dumb head I am. How could I have taken somebody else’s bicycle? Sorry.
Carol: Oh, honey. We were sure it was just a mistake. (She looks at her watch) Goodness, I got to run. I got to get Alice to the dentist.
(She leaves.)
Jan: I’m sorry about the bike mix-up. I guess I was in such a hurry to get home, I didn’t look close enough.
Mike: Yeah, well you scoot. And get the bike back fast, because we have to have that picture taken before they get back from the dentist, okay.
Jan: Okay, do you think mom suspects anything?
Mike: Well, she suspects one thing.
Jan: What?
Mike: That I’m a husband who forgets wedding anniversaries.
Jan (laughing): I’ll see ya. I’ll hurry.
(Back in the house, Alice is waiting for Carol to bring her to the dentist.)
Mike: Alice, if I hadn’t known better, I’d swear you’d have one swollen jaw. What have you got in there?
(She looks around to make sure Carol is not there. then she lets out a bubble from a piece of bubble gum she is chewing. Then Carol comes down the stairs and Alice pretends to still be in pain.)
Carol: Gee, I’m sorry I took so long.
Alice: I certainly appreciate this, Mrs. Brady.
Carol: Well, you didn’t think I’d let you go down there… (She notices something) That’s funny, I could have sworn the swelling was on the other side.
Mike (abruptly): You better hurry before it hurts on both sides.
Alice (leaving with Carol): I’m glad it’s not my wisdom teeth, I need all the smarts I can get.
Carol (to Mike): We’ll be back at soon as we can, honey.
Mike: Take all the time you need!
Alice: The way my tooth feels it may take hours, maybe all afternoon.
(They leave. Mike looks up the stairs.)
Mike (calling): Okay, kids!
(They come running down the stairs.)
Peter: How do I look?
(The question is followed by some jibberish and the kids go running to the car.)
(Next, they are down at the photographer studio getting their picture taken by an absent-minded photographer, Gregory Gaylord.)
Gaylord: Smile children.
(The kids all put on their best smiles.)
Mike: That looks pretty good to me, Mr. Gaylord.
Gaylord: Perhaps to an amateur, but not to Gregory Gaylord. Smile children.
Mike (to the kids): Let’s have a nice big smile, huh.
Gaylord: That is good. Very good. All right, ready, set, wait. (He realizes he forgot something) Film! I forgot to put in the film. It’s here somewhere. (He finds it) Here’s the film. Imagine a professional forgetting to put in the film. (He puts the film in the camera) al right, kids.
Mike: Okay, kids, let’s try it again now. Everybody smile.
Gaylord: Oh, this is going to be beautiful, Mr. Brady. All right, ready, set, and (He forgets again) Color. I want color, where’s my color.
Mike: Hang in there, kids. (Gaylord takes out the black and white film) May I help you?
(Gaylord finds the color film.)
Gaylord: Here’s my color. (He puts the color film in the camera) Imagine a professional forgetting his color.
Greg (to the other kids): He’d have a great memory, if he remembered where he kept it.
(The other kids laugh.)
Gaylord: All right, children, let’s have that smile again.
Mike: Jan, honey, don’t squint, don’t squint.
Jan: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to squint.
Gaylord: Ready now, everybody say…
The kids: Cheese.
Mike: Cheese.
Gaylord (annoyed): Cheese. Say cheese. Ready, set. (All the kids say cheese and he takes the picture) Got it. That was perfect, kids. Now, let’s take some better ones.
(The kids give him annoyed looks. Mike then discusses the arrangement on how to obtain the picture when it’s ready.)
Mike: When do I get the pictures, Mr. Gaylord?
Gaylord: Well, I’ll have the proofs in the morning, make that Tuesday, Wednesday? Whichever comes first. Anyway, with the frame you picked out, it will be ready in 4 or 5 days.
Mike: Oh, well, that’s great. It’s for my anniversary, and that’s a week Saturday.
Gaylord: No problem. I’ll have it framed and delivered to your house.
Mike: No, don’t deliver. Call me when it’s ready and I’ll pick it up. It’s a surprise.
Gaylord: Oh, a surprise. I love surprises.
Mike: Hey kids, come on, We got to hurry and beat your Mom and Alice back to the house.
(The kids all run out to the car.)
Gaylord: Fine looking children, Mr. Brady. How long have you been married?
Mike: 3 years.
(He signs an order form and goes outside to bring the kids home.)
Gaylord (to himself): 3 years, 6 kids. Everything these days. Rush, rush, rush.
(The next scene has Mike coming home from work. He walks in the door and sees Carol sitting in the living room.)
Carol: Hi, honey, how was everything at the office.
Mike: I got to come home a little early today. (He kisses her and notices a letter Carol is reading) What’s that?
Carol: Well, it’s a letter we got today from Jan’s teacher, Mrs. Denthoff.
.Mike: Let me see.
Carol: It says Jan’s grade have been falling off.
Mike (reading the letter): Lacking energy and having trouble concentrating. Hmm, it’s not like Jan.
Carol: I know, I can’t understand it.
Mike: She’s always been a good student.
(Next, Mike and Carol are in the den with Jan. They show her the letter.)
Carol: Jan, I’d like you to read this letter. It’s from your teacher, Mrs. Denthoff.
(Jan reads the letter but puts it close to her face. Carol and Mike look at each other.)
Jan: I’m sorry, I’ll try to do better.
Mike: Jan, read it again. this time out loud.
(Jan puts it close to her face again.)
Mike: No, no, no. From here. (distant from her face)
Jan: Dear Mr. and Mrs. Brady. In the post, in the past, several weeks, Jan’s grades…
Mike: That’s enough, Jan.
(He takes the letter back.)
Carol: Honey, where do you sit in Mrs. Denthoff’s class?
Jan: In the back, why?
Mike: Does she write lessons on the blackboard in the front of the class?
Jan: Usually.
Carol: Jan, I think you may need glasses.
Jan (upset): Glasses? Oh, Mom, no, not glasses!
Mike: Certainly you want to have your eyes checked.
Carol: Honey, wearing glasses isn’t anything these days.
Jan: But I’m sure I don’t need glasses!
Mike: But you want to keep failing in school? Making mistakes, like taking the wrong bicycle?
Jan: Glasses, wow, I’ll look positively goofy. When Bernie McGuire sees me, he’ll go bananas.
Carol: Bananas. That’s bad, huh?
Jan: It’s the worst.
(A devastated Jan leaves the den. Mike comes home in the next scene and meets Alice in the backyard.)
Alice: Hi, Mr. Brady. Follow me to the garage (She gives him the garbage can she is carrying and shows him something) Mr. Gaylord delivered your anniversary present.
Mike (upset): Oh, no. I simply asked him not to.
Alice: Luckily, when Mrs. Brady was out with Jan, I hid it out here in the garage.
Mike: Hey, hey, thanks, Alice.
Alice: I think it will be safe out here. Mrs. Brady knows it’s your anniversary is coming up, she’s already been snooping in the house. She’s a pretty good snooper.
Mike: Good work, Alice. She’ll never think to look in the garage.
Alice: Wrong. She’s already looked, Mr. Brady. But, there would be no point to snoop in here again. Once she’s already snooped in, she’s snooped out.
Mike: Alice, your talk is a little like your meat loaf. A little bit of everything and all mixed up.
(He laughs and Alice takes back the garbage can. Next, Carol and Jan return from getting her glasses. Cindy and Bobby are in the family room playing with a jigsaw puzzle.)
Bobby: That must be Mom and Jan. They must’ve gotten Jan’s new glasses.
Cindy: I’ll bet she looks funny in them.
Bobby: Can’t wait to see all four eyes.
(Mike walks in.)
Mike: Let’s not have any four eyes jokes. Jan is gonna feel self-conscious enough without you teasing her.
Bobby: She’ll know we’re just joking.
Mike: People don’t like those kinds of personal jokes. How would you like it if someone called you, uh, shorty.
Bobby: I wouldn’t care.
Cindy: Okay, shorty.
Bobby: You cut that out.
Mike: See.
(Jan and Carol come in with Jan wearing her glasses.)
Mike: Hi, honey.
Carol: Hi, hi kids.
Mike (to Jan): Hey, you look great. Those frames are beautiful. Right kids?
Cindy: Yeah.
Bobby: Terrific.
Jan: Thanks.
Carol: She picked them out herself.
Mike: Ah, they’re perfect. They really suit her.
Carol (to Mike): Hey, honey, come on. I wanna show you these great towels I got on sale today.
(Carol and Mike leave the room and Jan stares at Bobby and Cindy.)
Jan: Okay, go ahead and say it. I look like a drip. Right?
Bobby: No, they look neat.
Cindy: Yeah, neat.
Jan: You really think they kinda look okay?
Cindy: Yeah, they make you look like you’re real smart.
Bobby: Like a schoolteacher.
(Jan starts to get upset.)
Jan: Oh, great. I wanted glasses that make me look groovy.
Bobby: They do look groovy.
Cindy: And we aren’t saying this because Dad told us to.
Bobby: And I didn’t even call you four eyes once.
Jan (angry): Thanks a lot.
(She leaves as Bobby and Cindy cluelessly shrug. Carol is later looking for Mike’s gift. Alice comes in and catches her.)
Alice: Lose something, Mrs. Brady?
Carol: Alice, you know very well what I’m doing, I’m snooping.
Alice: You, Mrs. Brady? Stooping to snooping?
Carol: Now look, Alice. I bought Mr. Brady an anniversary present and I know he bought me an anniversary present and I know it’s got to be somewhere in this house. And I’ll bet you were in on it.
Alice (innocently): Me?
Carol: Come on, Alice? Give me a little hint.
Alice: Let me put it this way, Mrs. Brady. Roses are red, violets are blue, Mr. Brady will bean me if I told you.
(Jan comes by and hears part of the conversation.)
Carol: I thought we were friends. Aw, Alice, I’m not asking you to tell me exactly. Aw, you’re not being fair.
(Jan puts her glasses on as she hears Alice say she doesn’t want to be a snitch or traitor to Mike.)
Jan: Mom, I’m going down to the library now, okay?
Carol: Okay, dear, but don’t be too long, remember about dinner.
Jan: I will. Bye.
(She goes outside and gets on her bike. Marcia comes by and catches her putting her glasses in her purse. Jan gets on her bike and starts to ride away.)
Marcia: Jan.
Jan: Yeah?
Marcia: Where are your glasses?
Jan: In my purse.
Marcia: Why aren’t you wearing them?
Jan: Well, I’m meeting Bernie McGuire at the library.
Marcia: So?
Jan: Well, Bernie hasn’t seen me in glasses, and he’s not going to if I could help it.
Marcia: Well, Mom and Dad said you’re supposed to wear your glasses.
Jan: Well, I will when I really need them.
Marcia: I think you’re being dumb, they’re your eyes.
Jan (riding off): Chow.
Marcia: Chow?
(When Jan returns, Greg is sweeping the garage and he makes faces at her until he sees he’s about to crash her bike into the garage wall.)
Greg: Jan, Jan, Jan, look out! (She crashes and he goes to help her up) Are you all right?
Jan: Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Greg: Let me look.
Jan: I, I think I misjudged the distance.
Greg: Yeah, hey, no wonder, why aren’t you wearing your glasses?
Jan: Is my bike okay? (She notices the damage she caused to the picture) Huh!
Greg: Oh, no!
Jan: Oh, no! It’s Dad’s anniversary gift to Mom!
Greg: Now you’ve done it.
Jan: It’s ruined!
(The scene fades.)
(The next scene has Carol snooping in the bedroom. Mike comes in.)
Mike: Maybe it’s in the closet.
Carol (turning around): Maybe what’s in the closet?
Mike: Whatever it is you’re looking for.
Carol: I was looking for my blue sweater. (She goes into her drawer and finds it) Well, my blue sweater.
Mike: Ah, your blue sweater. You’re gonna wear that around the house? it’s kind of warm.
Carol (putting it on): Well, maybe you’re warm but I’m very chilly.
(She puts it on and it hit Mike in the face.)
Mike: Ah, well, I’ll see you downstairs.
(He leaves the room and Carol gives a frustrated look. She also puts the sweater back.)
(Next, Greg is in his room trying to fix the picture with Peter and Bobby watching.)
Greg: This will never work. We’ll never hold this frame together.
(Jan comes in the room.)
Jan: How’s it going?
Greg: Not good. (Jan whines) Did you get ahold of the photographer?
Jan: Yeah, but remember how mixed up he was when he took the picture?
Greg: Yeah.
Jan: Well, he’s still mixed up.
Bobby: What’s that supposed to mean?
Jan: He can’t find the negatives.
Greg (upset): You mean he lost it?
Jan: Yeah. He said it was his fault, so if you want to take the picture, he won’t charge us for the new negative.
Peter: Hey, great!
Jan: Yeah, but he has to charge us for the new picture.
Greg (sarcastically): Hey, great. We can’t ask Mom and Dad for the money.
Jan: Well, maybe if we all chipped in, we could have enough. I could pay you back, a little at a time, I promise.
Greg: I’d be glad to, but I’m all tapped out on Mom and Dad’s anniversary gift.
Peter: Me too, I got 12 cents left.
Bobby: And compared to me, he’s rich.
(Next, Jan is trying to get cash from her sisters.)
Marcia: Jan, I wish I could help but…
Jan: I know, Mom and Dad’s anniversary present.
Cindy: Hey, I could let you have my coin collection.
Jan: You could?
Cindy: Yeah, but I haven’t started it yet.
Jan: Well, I think I know where I could get the money.
Marcia: Where?
Jan: Just have everybody meet me at the photographer’s right after school tomorrow. And don’t forget to wear the same clothes, so nobody will be able to tell it’s a different picture.
Marcia: But Jan, where are you gonna get the money?
Jan: What does it matter, as long as I get it.
(The next scene has Greg coming down the stairs in a jacket and tie, which he wore for the original picture. Alice catches him.)
Alice: Hey, where you going all dressed up like that?
Greg: Well, I got this date to take this chick down to the pizza place, Alice?
Alice: Pizza place? Dressed like that?
Greg: You don’t know what a great chick this is, it took me weeks just to get introduced to her.
Alice: Oh, not you, not Greg Brady. The Casanova of Clinton Avenue.
Greg: She’s really popular. So I figured I’d better look really heavy.
Alice: Hmm, I look really heavy no matter what I wear.
Greg: See you later.
Alice: Anchovies away.
(Greg leaves and Alice starts to vacuum. Peter and Bobby try sneaking down the stairs.)
Alice: Hey, hey, where do you think you’re going in your good clothes?
Peter: Out to play.
Bobby: Yeah, out to play.
Alice: Since when do you get dressed up to go out and play?
Peter: Well, you see, our play clothes are clean, and our good clothes are kind of dirty. So we don’t want to get our play clothes dirty. Right, Bobby.
Bobby: Uh, yeah. This way we just get our good clothes dirtier.
Peter: And you don’t have to wash our play clothes.
Bobby: Yeah, bye. So long.
Peter: Bye.
Alice (to herself): I think I detect a little fancy footwork here.
(She starts vacuuming and this time it’s the girls’ turn to try sneaking out in their good clothes. They sneak past Alice but run into Carol, who’s coming in the door.)
Carol: Well, perfect timing. My, do we look pretty.
Jan: Well, thanks, Mom.
Cindy: Yeah, thanks.
Marcia: You see, kids these days are always wearing jeans and stuff like that. And we figured it be fun to get all dressed up, like going to a party.
Jan: Well, we don’t want to be late. I’ll see you.
Marcia: Now, come on, Cindy.
(They go out the door and Carol remains unconvinced.)
Carol: Late? Late for what? Alice!, Alice!, why are those girls so dressed up?
Alice: Beats me, Mrs. Brady, everybody suddenly decided to get dressed up.
(Next, the kids are down at the studio taking the second picture.)
Gaylord: All right kids, a nice big smile. That’s it.
Greg: Hold it, wait a minute.
Marcia: What’s wrong?
Greg: I don’t think we’re standing the same as we did last time.
Jan: You’re right, I was standing on the other side of Cindy.
Cindy: Hey, yeah
Gaylord: Children, children, I took the picture. And I remember your positions exactly.
Marcia: How were we?
Gaylord: You are exactly (Pause) like you just said.
Greg: I’m sure that’s it. Okay sir, we’re ready.
Gaylord: Okay, children, let’s see those pretty teeth now. And ready, and set, and…
Bobby: You got film in this camera?
Gaylord: Of course I got film.
Peter: Color film?
Gaylord: Yes, color film. (He double checks to see if he has it) Yes, color film. All right, ready, and set, and smile like last time. Ready. (All the kids say cheese) That’s it.
(He takes the shot. Carol and Alice are next in the kitchen preparing breakfast.)
Carol: Alice, maybe I should fix Mr. Brady something, you know, something a little special this morning.
Alice: Special?
Carol: Well, it is our anniversary, as if you didn’t know.
Alice: Congratulations, Mrs. Brady.
Carol: Thanks. Mr. Brady sure is playing it cool. Well, you know how husbands are.
Alice: No, I don’t know how husbands are, but I’m dying to find out.
(Mike comes in the kitchen.)
Mike: Good morning, Alice.
(He and Carol hug.)
Carol: Ah, how would you like to have something really special this morning.
Mike: Special? Why would I want anything special this morning?
Carol: Well, because it’s an especially nice day.
Mike: Oh well, you’ve seen one especially nice day, you’ve seen them all.
Carol: Ah, but this is a special especially nice day.
Mike: That’s funny. It fell right on our anniversary.
Carol (hugging him from behind): Oh, Mike Brady, I could strangle you.
Mike: You’re doing a great job of it right now.
Carol (sitting on his lap): Happy anniversary, darling.
Mike: Ooh, happy Anniversary.
(They kiss. Alice leads the kids in to bring their gifts.)
Kids: Surprise, happy anniversary.
Jan: How about ladies first.
Cindy: How about little ladies first.
Mike: What about husbands first.
(They hand him the wrapped up picture.)
Greg: Congratulations, Dad, Mom.
Carol: Oh, let me open it. (Mike helps her open it) Oh, marvelous. How did you ever sneak out and get it done?
Mike: Oh, we Bradys move in mysterious ways.
Carol: Nothing I’d rather have. Jan, you wore your glasses.
Jan: Uh huh.
(Mike notices something and gets confused.)
Carol: Well, come on, everybody. Let’s find a place to hang it.
(Carol, Alice and the kids go to hang it up.)
Mike (calling): Jan! (Jan stops and Mike motions for her to come to him. they both sit down) Isn’t there something you should explain to me?
Jan: What, Dad?
Mike: When we had that picture taken, you didn’t have your glasses yet.
Jan: I didn’t?
Mike: No, you didn’t. That can’t be the same picture, can it?
Jan: It isn’t, dad. But it wasn’t the other kids’ fault, I ruined the first one, because I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I ran into it on my bike in the garage.
Mike: Jan, you know you were lucky you just ran into the picture, you could’ve run into something much worse, like a car.
Jan: I’m sorry, Dad. I’ll wear my glasses from now on whenever I’m supposed to, I promise.
Mike: Yeah, but for a little reminder, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to ground you. 2 weeks, no bicycle.
Jan: Dad, can you make it something else? You can’t ground me from riding my bicycle.
Mike: Yes, I’m afraid I can.
Jan: Well, I don’t have a bicycle anymore. I sold it to pay for the new photograph.
Mike: Well, all right, I suppose that’s punishment enough. Maybe we can even find a way to buy that bicycle back.
Jan: Oh, I know a way we can get the money.
Mike: You do, huh?
Jan: We can sell my glasses.
(He laughs and pats her head as the scene fades.)
(The final scene has Mike and Carol hanging the picture up in their room.)
Carol: Honey, it’s drooping, yeah, on the left. (He adjusts it correctly) Oh, that’s perfect. Alice, isn’t that a lovely picture?
Alice: Ah, lovely. A lot nicer than the one I just got.
Mike: what picture is that, Alice?
Alice: the X-ray from my dentist. You took me there for my toothache. I was just kidding, but he wasn’t. He found 3 cavities.
(They all laugh while Alice sticks both her jaws out. They take another look at the picture.)
Brady Bunch Scriptman 