The Teeter-Totter Caper
Written by Joel Kane and Jack Lloyd
Bobby and Cindy set a teeter-totter record to prove that kids their age are as important as people older. I hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
MIKE BRADY
CAROL BRADY
ALICE NELSON
GREG BRADY
MARCIA BRADY
PETER BRADY
JAN BRADY
BOBBY BRADY
CINDY BRADY
MARK WINTERS, REPORTER
(The episode begins with Carol and Alice in the kitchen. Carol is happy about a relative’s upcoming wedding.)
Carol: Isn’t it marvelous, Alice. My cousin Gertrude is finally getting married.
Alice: For her, it’s marvelous. For me, it would be miraculous.
(Mike comes in.)
Mike: Hi, everybody.
Carol: Hi, honey. (She and Mike kiss) Well, Gertrude is gonna get married.
Mike (surprised): Gertrude, your cousin Gertrude?
Carol: The one and only.
Mike: Get the chair, I may faint.
Carol: Oh, Mike. The invitations are a week from Sunday night.
Mike: Hmm.
(Bobby and Cindy come in.)
Cindy: Gee, a wedding. Do I get all dressed up?
Bobby: Do I have to wear a dumb old tie?
Carol: I’m sorry, kids, but the invitation is just for the grown-ups.
Cindy: Not us kids?
Carol: Well, Marcia and Greg are going, but they’re older. And, uh, Jan and Peter are going too.
Bobby: What about us?
Mike (reading the invitation): Well, there’s a wedding reception afterwards and I think Gertrude thinks you’re too young to stay up that late.
Carol: Besides, weddings aren’t all that interesting.
Mike: You’ll have a much better time at home.
Alice: Sure, the three of us will watch TV, play games and have lots of fun.
Bobby (weakly): Yeah, lotta fun.
(He and Cindy go outside. Next, Greg and Peter are upstairs fixing Marcia’s radio.)
Peter: You think you can fix it?
Greg: Easy.
Bobby (coming in the door): What are you doing?
Peter: We’re fixing Marcia’s radio.
Bobby: Can I hep?
Greg: This is kind of tricky.
Peter: Yeah, it’s too technical for little kids.
Bobby: I can hand you tools and things.
Greg: Maybe some other time, Bobby.
(Bobby walks away in a hurt mood. Meanwhile, Marcia and Jan are painting a chair and refuse to allow Cindy to help.)
Marcia: No, Cindy, It’s too hard for you.
Cindy; Why can’t I help? The chair goes in my room too.
Jan: Look, Cindy, this isn’t a game. If you mess up the paint, we’ll have to do it all over again.
(Cindy walks out just as hurt. She goes in the backyard and sits on a swing. Bobby comes outside and sits on the teeter-totter. Cindy joins him.)
Bobby: Greg and Peter won’t even let me help fix a dumb old radio, it’s too tricky.
Cindy: I can’t even help paint a chair.
Bobby: We’re not even important enough to go to a wedding.
Cindy: Why can’t us little kids think we’re important, too.
Bobby: Hey, that gives me an idea, Cindy.
Cindy: What?
Bobby: We can do something important, that’ll show them.
Cindy: Like what?
Bobby: Like (Pause) I don’t know, but I’ll think of something.
Cindy: Yeah!
Bobby: Something really, really important.
(The scene fades.)
(The next scene has them on the swing set discussing options.)
Bobby: Boy, I know something that could make us really important.
Cindy: What?
Bobby: But we can’t do it.
Cindy: Maybe we could. tell me.
Bobby: Well, wouldn’t it be great if we could stow away on a spaceship?
Cindy; A spaceship, wow!
Bobby: We’d be the first little kids on the moon.
Cindy: But even if we could, Mom and Dad wouldn’t let us.
Bobby: Yeah. They probably wouldn’t let us climb the Alps, either.
Cindy: Well, let’s think of something else.
Bobby: I’m tired of thinking. And it’s almost time for Cartoon King on television.
(They get up and go inside. They turn the television on.)
Bobby: I thought of something else important we can do.
Cindy: What?
Bobby: Well, wouldn’t it be great if we could go to New York and climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
Cindy: I bet lots of people climb to the top of the Empire State Building.
Bobby: Not on the outside.
(Marcia and Jan ask Alice for help with their dresses to wear to the wedding.)
Marcia: Alice, could you please raise the hem an inch? I want to wear it to the wedding.
Alice: Hmm, okay, sure.
Jan: Isn’t it romantic? Cousin Gertrude’s getting married after all these years. I wonder if I’ll ever get married.
Alice (sarcastically): Well I’d certainly start worrying about that if I were you. I mean, here you are, almost 13 and over the hill.
(Back to the family room, Bobby and Cindy are watching television.)
Cindy (to Bobby): Cartoon King comes on next.
(The announcer states that two college kids broke the teeter-totter record at 124 hours without stopping. This gives Bobby an idea.)
Bobby: Did you hear that?
Cindy: What if we set a new record.
Bobby: Yeah, we’ll start tomorrow morning.
(The next day, Alice is in the kitchen collecting clothes for laundry and Carol comes by.)
Carol: Well, I’ll see you later, Alice.
Alice: You’re off and running pretty early on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Brady.
Carol: Yeah, I got to get downtown and get Gertrude a wedding present. I sure hope I can get her something different. You know what I mean, Alice?
Alice: Yeah, everyone always gives you the obvious things, like toasters.
Carol (laughing): Yeah, I know what you mean. Mr. Brady and I got 9 of them. We didn’t know whether we were getting married or opening a restaurant.
(Bobby and Cindy rush by them to go outside.)
Alice: Somebody sure is in a hurry this morning.
Cindy: We got to get started early.
Bobby: We’re gonna set a new teeter-totter record. Okay Mom?
Carol: Sure kids, have fun Bye.
(They run outside.)
Carol: Well, I better get going. I hope I can find something, Alice. You know, she isn’t the easiest person in the world to buy for.
Alice: Well, she already has the best gift for a wedding, a man.
Carol: Well, I’ll see you later.
(Mike is getting into his car to go for work as the Bobby and Cindy are about to set their record.)
Cindy: Hi, Dad.
Bobby: Hi.
Mike: Hi, kids.
Bobby: Guess what we’re gonna do.
Mike: When I get home, Bob. I’m late for an appointment.
Bobby: We’re gonna set a new teeter-totter record.
Mike: Oh.
Cindy: Mom said we could.
Mike: Well, good for you. Have fun, kids.
Bobby and Cindy: Bye.
Mike: Bye.
(He drives off.)
Bobby (to Cindy): It will take a long time to set the record. Are your muscles in good shape?
Cindy: I guess so, are yours?
Bobby: Sure. Feel this.
(Cindy feels his arm.)
Cindy: I don’t feel anything.
Bobby: Maybe it’s in the other arm.
(They start to get ready and Alice comes outside.)
Bobby: Hey, Alice, you got a watch?
Alice: Yeah.
Bobby: Tell us exactly what time it is when we start.
Alice: Start?
Cindy: For the new teeter totter record.
Bobby: It has to be official.
Alice: Ah hah, okay, official, right. (She looks at her watch) Al right, let’s see, it’s 3 minutes after 8 and go.
(They start going up and down on the teeter totter while Alice hangs up some wash.)
Bobby; Hey, Alice, what time is it now?
Alice: It’s 3 minutes and 20 seconds after 8.
Cindy; Gee, that’s 20 seconds already.
Bobby: Yeah, we only have to do this about a million more times.
(Meanwhile, Marcia and Jan are up in their room trying on their dresses for the wedding.)
Marcia: Jan, could you zip me up?
Jan: Sure. (She zips the back of Marcia’s dress) Do you think my dress is short enough now?
Jan: Sure, it looks fine.
Marcia: Are you sure?
Jan: Yeah.
(They look at themselves in the mirror, but find it’s not big enough for both of them. They keep trying to get in front of each other.)
Marcia: I’m trying to look at myself.
Jan: Well so am I.
(They laugh and there’s a knock on the door.)
Jan: Come in.
(Greg an Peter come in.)
Greg: Here’s your radio.
Peter: We did it.
Marcia: Thanks. What was wrong with it?
Greg: Your variable tuner was out of whack.
Jan (impressed): And you fixed it?
Peter: Nothing to it.
Greg: Nothing to it for him. I fixed it.
Marcia: Thanks, Greg.
Greg: That’s okay. (He notices their attire) What are you girls all dressed up for?
Jan: It’s for the wedding.
Greg: It’s next week.
Marcia: Why wait till the last minute.
Peter: Hey, if they’re gonna wear junk like that, we’re gonna have to get all dressed up, too.
Marcia: Why, sure. It’s a wedding. It’s the most romantic thing that can happen in a girl’s life.
Greg: What about the poor guy?
(He and Peter laugh.)
Jan: Don’t you wanna get married?
Greg (still laughing): Sure, when I got nothing else to live for.
Jan: I mean don’t you want a home and children?
Peter: We already got a home, and a whole bunch of children.
(They walk out of the room still laughing. Marcia and Jan look at each other in disgust.)
(The next scene has Carol coming home while Alice fixes lunch for Bobby and Cindy.)
Carol: Hi, Alice.
Alice: Hi, Mrs. Brady.
Carol: Well, I guess I got the perfect gift for Gertrude. Something I’m sure no one else would ever think of.
Alice: Oh, what’s that?
Carol: A silver frog.
Alice: Oh, a silver frog. Well, there’s a million to one shot she won’t even get a green one.
Carol (laughing): Oh, Alice. A frog for flowers. (She takes it out of the box and opens it) See, this part (the top) is the frog, and this (the bottom) you can use for nuts, candy or anything.
Alice: That’s pretty neat.
Carol: Flowers, isn’t it great? Hey, is someone going on a picnic?
Alice: Oh, no, this is a little something for Mr. Teeter and Ms. Totter.
Carol: Mr. Teeter and Ms. Totter?
Alice (looking toward the door): They’re out to set a world record, remember?
Carol: Don’t tell me they’re still on that thing.
Alice: Since three minutes after 8.
Carol: I didn’t think they were serious.
Alice: Ooh, they couldn’t be seriouser.
(Bobby and Cindy are outside still on the teeter-totter.)
Bobby: Are you getting tired, Cindy?
Cindy: No, not much. Are you getting tired?
Bobby: No, we’re getting closer to that million times.
(Alice and Carol come out with the food.)
Carol: Okay, kids, lunch break.
Bobby: We can’t stop, Mom.
Carol: Well, you have to have a sandwich.
Cindy: We’re on the record, we got to keep going.
Bobby: You said we could set a record.
Cindy: That’s what she said this morning.
Carol (to Alice): I really said that, huh?
Alice: Before you went out to buy the frog.
(They bring the sandwiches and two glasses of milk over to the kids.)
Carol: Well, you have to eat something anyway.
Alice: I bet they could do both.
Carol: But you have to promise me one thing, kids. That you’ll both stop when you get tired, okay.
Cindy: Okay, Mom.
Bobby: We promise. We’re really gonna break the old record.
Carol: Good luck, kids.
(They go back toward the house.)
Carol: By the way, Alice, what is the old teeter-totter record anyway?
Alice: 124 hours.
Carol (astonished): 124 hours?
(She nods her encouragement to the kids nevertheless. They continue with the record as the scene fades.)
(The next scene has Alice in the kitchen making out a grocery list. She turns on the radio and an Italian chef comes on with a new recipe on how to make spaghetti and meatballs.)
Alice: Great, I’ll have that for dinner.
(She starts to get everything ready and take out all the ingredients, while repeating what the chef says.)
Cindy (calling): Alice, Alice, can you come out here?
Alice: Uh, I’m busy, Cindy.
Cindy: My record is in danger.
Alice: Okay, honey, I’m coming.
(She turns the radio off and goes outside. Mike comes home and Alice is Cindy’s spot while she went to relieve herself.)
Alice: You know, Bobby, I don’t think we’re quite even. I think I have a little more balance on my side.
Bobby: What’s balance?
Alice: It’s a fancy word I use, because I don’t like to call it flab.
(Mike gets out of the car and heads inside the house.)
Bobby: Hi, Dad.
Alice: Hi, Mr. Brady.
Mike: Hi.
(He notices Alice sitting in Cindy’s place.)
Bobby: Alice is helping us with our teeter-totter record.
Alice: In the teeter-totter game, I am what is known as a sit-in.
Mike: Sit-in?
Cindy (returning): Hi, Dad. Thanks, Alice.
Alice: Yeah, you see, I officially sit in for all the contestants for whenever they have to do whatever it is they have to do.
Cindy: She means when we have to go to the bathroom.
Mike: I can see you’re a friend in time of need, Alice. (to the kids) You kids are really serious about this, aren’t you.
Bobby: Yeah, we’ve been going at it since 3 minutes after 8 this morning.
Cindy: We’re really gonna set a new teeter-totter record.
Mike: Well, I certainly hope so. (He and Alice go inside) What’s for dinner, Alice? I’m starving.
Alice: Well, it depends. What day is it?
(Mike comes in the house and sees Carol looking outside the window. He goes to kiss Carol.)
Mike: Hi, honey.
Carol: Oh, hi, dear. Would you believe those two have been on that…
Mike: Teeter-totter.
Carol: Teeter-totter since early this morning?
Mike: Yeah, since 3 minutes after 8 to be official.
Carol: Well, you think we ought to let them keep going?
Mike: Oh, sure, why not? It’s no worse than if they spent a day playing in the park. Anyway, you know kids. 1 minute they want to do one thing and the next minute they want to do something else.
Carol: Well, they certainly had their minds made up about this.
Mike: Yeah, it’s their minds that may be iron clad, but it’s the other end that’s gonna make them quit.
(Next, Greg, Peter and Marcia are outside watching them try to break the record.)
Marcia: Aren’t you getting tired?
Cindy: Well, somebody is.
Peter: Why don’t you quit. I think it’s dumb.
Bobby: We’re setting a record. That’s important.
Greg: Right. (to Marcia) Put an umbrella over them when the rainy season starts.
(Bobby glares at the remark.)
Peter: Hey, I got a great idea. We can hitch up a drill at the teeter-totter, and you can be an oil well.
(Cindy frowns at them this time.)
Bobby: Go ahead and laugh, we’ll show you.
Cindy: Yeah, we’ll show you.
(Meanwhile, Jan is in the kitchen helping Carol and Alice with dinner.)
Jan: Wait till they find out we’re having spaghetti and meatballs. That’ll get them in here.
(Two men from the newspaper come by and visit.)
Greg (to the kids): And next week you’re gonna go for the pogo stick contest.
(Marcia and Peter laugh. The men approach the kids.)
Winters: Hi there. Is this the Brady house?
Greg: Yes it is. Can I help you?
Winters: My name is Winters. Daily Chronicle.
Bobby; Hi, I’m Bobby Brady.
Cindy: And I’m Cindy Brady.
Winters: Oh, you’re just who I’m looking for. Your Mom and Dad around?
Greg: Yeah, they’re inside. What’s this all about, Mr. Winters?
Winters: Just covering a little news story, son.
Marcia (excited): Cindy and Bobby are news?
Winters: Sure, they’re out to set a world’s record. Would one of you mind calling your mother and father?
Greg: Yeah, Peter, go get them.
(Peter runs into the house.)
Winters; How long have you kids been at it?
Bobby: Since three minutes after 8 this morning.
Winters (looking at his watch): Well, that’s a pretty good start.
(Mike comes into the kitchen and inspects the dinner.)
Mike: Mmm, a smell like that could drive a man mad.
Carol: Well, I may just have a little behind my ears.
Peter (running inside): Mom, Dad, come on out. There’s some guys out here from the newspaper. They’re taking pictures, and everything.
(Carol, Mike, Jan and Alice go outside while the photographer is taking pictures of the kids.)
Cindy: Look, one hand.
Bobby: Look, no hands.
Winters: Better be careful, young man. This is a pretty big ambition setting a world’s record.
Bobby: We can do it.
Winters: You think you can do this, young lady?
Cindy: Well, if Bobby does it, I do it. We go up and down together.
(Jan and the adults come out.)
Winters: Mr. and Mars. Brady?
Carol: Yeah.
Winters: I’m Mark Winters from the Daily Chronicle.
Carol: Hello.
Winters: I hope you don’t mind if us taking a few pictures of the children.
Mike: You mean this is news?
Winters: Sure. Great human interest.
Peter: We have a lot of great human interest around here. My brother and I just fixed our sister’s radio.
Winters: That’s fine, son, but one story at a time.
(The photographer takes a picture of the family.)
Winters: I’m sure you’re very proud of the two kids, Mrs. Brady.
Carol: Well, to tell you the truth…
Winters (writing down): Mother, very proud.
(Carol laughs.)
Winters: I guess you’re a little concerned too.
Carol: Well, my husband and I at first we thought that…
Winters (writing again): Mother, whole family, concerned.
Carol: Mr. Winters.
Winters: I know just how you feel.
Carol: You do?
Winters: Thanks a lot, folks. (to Bobby and Cindy) Good-bye, kids. Good luck.
(He and the photographer start to leave.)
Carol: Uh, Mr. Winters, would you mind telling me how you found out about his?
Winters: We got a phone call down at the station. First thing this morning.
Carol: Thanks.
(Winter leaves with the photographer.)
(The family goes over to join the kids. They all sound excited.)
Mike: I wonder who called the paper this morning.
Bobby: We did. We figured the people ought to know about it.
Cindy: Yeah. (she folds her arms) Even us little kids can do something important.
Mike: Important?
Carol: So that’s what this is all about.
(Alice comes out and calls the family to donner.)
Alice: Spaghetti and meatballs is ready. Salsa squisita ala Alice.
(The family comes inside for dinner.)
Peter: Boy, you guys are missing something good. Spaghetti and meatballs.
Carol: They’re not missing a thing. I’m gonna fix them something special too.
Peter: How come they get that kind of service?
Carol (sternly): Because they’re setting a record, and we don’t wanna spoil it, do we.
(She pulls him and they go into the house.)
Bobby: Thanks, Mom.
Cindy: Thanks.
(Inside, at the dinner table, the family is discussing the matter.)
Greg: Dad, why is setting the record such a big deal to them?
Mike: Well, I guess Cindy said it best. Little kids can do something important.
Carol: Yeah, and sometimes, we tend to forget that. You know, kids want to be part of things, too. Well, I’m afraid sometimes we give them the brushoff.
Peter: Like, maybe trying to help fix the radio.
Jan: Or like that time we painted the chair.
(Carol nods.)
Greg: Well, I guess we all understand now.
(Alice comes out with more food.)
Alice: You gotta admit, Bobby and Cindy really made their point.
Mike: Yeah, but I’m afraid no matter how hard they try to break that record, one thing is bound to stop them.
(Later on, Bobby and Cindy are yawning as they are getting extremely tired. Carol and Alice come out with sweaters. they put them on the kids and Carol kisses Cindy.)
(Even later, Mike and Carol are outside watching them as Bobby and Cindy get even tireder.)
Mike (to Carol): It’s just about over, honey.
Carol: They sure are giving it everything they got.
(Bobby starts to fall asleep and Cindy notices.)
Cindy: Bobby, wake up, Bobby.
Bobby: Who’s sleeping? Maybe you better take a nap, and I’ll take one later.
Cindy: Okay.
(She goes to sleep and in a matter of time, Bobby falls asleep. Carol and Mike get up and bring them upstairs to bed.)
(The next day, Mike, Carol, Peter and Jan read about them in the paper.)
Peter: Boy, they really got in the paper.
Carol: Well, that’s what they wanted.
Jan: Read it, Dad.
Mike (reading): It said Bobby and Cindy Brady set out yesterday to break the world’s teeter-totter record. They began their assault on the record at 8:03 in the morning, and as of the exclusive taking of these exclusive photographs, the two have been teetering and/or tottering for several hours. The current record set by Ralph Nelson, 19 and Alan Rudolph, 20, were slightly over 124 hours. The young Bradys feel with their serious effort, the record is within their grasp.
(Bobby and Cindy come down the stairs. They are annoyed that the parents didn’t let them continue.)
Bobby: How come you let us fall asleep last night?
Cindy: You could’ve woken us up.
Mike: Before you get too upset, take a look at this morning’s paper.
Carol: I think you might like what you see.
Cindy (excited): That’s us!
Bobby: Wow, we’re famous!
Carol: You know, we’re really proud of you two.
Bobby: Thanks, but we didn’t set a record.
Mike: Now, wait a minute, maybe you did. How old were those guys you saw on television?
Bobby: Real old, like in college.
Mike: What’s the record for kids your age.
Cindy: I don’t think there is one.
Mike: There you are, you set a record.
Bobby: Yeah, we really did!
Carol: I hereby proclaim Cindy and Bobby Brady, junior teeter-totter champions of the world.
(They flex their muscles and give a cheer sign while Peter and Jan cheer as well. The phone rings and Carol answers.)
Carol: Hello. Oh, hello, Gertrude. Oh yes, we’re looking at it right now. Yes, they’re very excited. Hold on a minute, and I’ll see. ((she gets off the phone to speak to Bobby and Cindy) Cousin Gertrude would like to know if you two celebrities want to come to the wedding.
Bobby: Who wants to go to a dumb old wedding?
Cindy: I sure don’t.
Carol: Sorry Gertrude, but our two celebrities are all booked up. Thanks, bye.
(She hangs the phone up.)
Cindy: Come on, Bobby, let’s try to break some other kind of record.
Bobby: Yeah, come on.
(They get up and leave.)
Jan (confused): I thought they wanted to go to the wedding.
Mike: Not really, but, it’s always nice to be asked.
Peter: Come on, Jan.
Jan: Where?
Peter: Why don’t we break a record too. We can’t let two little kids beat us out.
(They get up as well.)
Mike: I don’t think we can stand more than two world’s records in one week.
Carol: What do you mean two?
Mike: Well, there’s a teeter-totter record.
Carol: And.
Mike: Gertrude. Anyone who spent 25 years shopping for a husband, that’s gotta be one world record.
Alice (coming form the den): Hold it, folks. That’s not a record yet. I’m still in competition.
(Mike and Carol laugh and hug each other as the scene fades away.)
(The final scene has Mike, Carol, Marcia, Greg, Jan and Peter coming home from the wedding and Alice sitting on the couch waiting up.)
Alice: How was the wedding?
Carol: Oh, Alice, it was simply beautiful.
Mike: It just goes to prove that somewhere, sometime, there’s a mate for anybody.
Alice: That’s good to know.
Mike: Alice, you wouldn’t believe it. Fat, bald, wrinkled, thin scraggly mustache. You should’ve seen the groom.
(He walks away with Carol scolding him. Next, Greg and Peter are playing catch with the football in the backyard.)
Greg: That’s pretty good.
(Peter throws Greg another toss.)
Greg: That’s better Pete but grip it on the laces.
(Marcia and Jan are walking home talking about the wedding. Jan catches the ball, which Greg obviously missed.)
Marcia: I thought Cousin Gertrude’s wedding was so romantic.
Jan: Yeah, it was just like in the movies with all those flowers and everything. I never seen so many flowers.
Marcia: And did you see that veil and gown? They were perfect for her.
Peter: Still talking about that dumb wedding.
Jan: It wasn’t dumb.
Marcia: It was beautiful.
(Peter takes the ball back from Jan.)
Greg (sarcastically): It was beautiful. (He mimics the preacher’s voice to Peter) Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?
Peter (imitating the groom): Yes, sir, I do.
Greg (again sounding like the preacher): And do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?
Peter (imitating Gertrude): Oh, yes sir, I take this man for my husband.
Greg (again in imitation): You may now kiss the bride.
Peter (again sounding like Gertrude): Here, in front of everybody?
(The guys laugh and walk away.)
Jan: Very funny.
Marcia: Boys, who needs them?
Jan: Yeah, who needs them?
Marcia (laughing): I guess we do if we ever get married.
Brady Bunch Scriptman 