The Tiki Caves
Written by Tam Spiva
The boys go to a burial ground to return the alleged cursed idol. There they are kidnapped by a mad archaeologist. I hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
PROFESSOR HUBERT WHITEHEAD, AN ARCHAELOGIST
(The episode picks up from the previous one. The boys are looking for the tomb of the first king to bury the idol with.)
Peter: We’ve been all over these burial grounds. There’s nobody here.
Greg: Well somebody lit these torches. Let’s keep looking.
(They look further as a narrator discusses the previous two parts of the episode. When they arrived and Bobby and Peter found the tabu and all the things it allegedly caused to happen. Also about the boys coming to the burial ground and cave, and are being followed. The scene fades.)
(The next scene has them continue to search.)
Greg (calling): Hey, anybody here?
Peter: It’s spooky in here.
(The other man. Professor Hubert Whitehead, gets an idea.)
Professor (laughing to himself): That’s it. Scare them out of here.
(He picks up a rock and throws it. The boys get startled.)
Peter: What was that?
Greg: One of us just kicked a rock.
Peter: But were just standing here!
Greg (frustrated): Oh, you guys and your imaginations!
(Cut back to the Professor, who rocks a metal cabinet, making a creaking sound.)
Peter (frightened): That wasn’t my imagination. My imagination doesn’t creak!
Greg: Okay, okay, so something creaked!
Peter: What could creak on here?
Bobby: Dead bones can creak.
(They continue to walk as we cut back to the hotel, where we see a worried Carol and Alice.)
Carol: Oh, I can feel it in my bones, Alice. Something is wrong.
Alice: Oh, I bet they’ll be home any minute. You know those guys, when they’re having fun, they forget about everything.
Carol (firmly): Not dinner!
(Mike comes in.)
Carol: Oh, Mike, did you find the bus driver?
Mike: Yeah, he remembers the boys getting off the bus, but he doesn’t remember exactly where.
Carol (annoyed): Maybe we oughtta call the police.
Mike: And tell them what, honey? The boys are a little late?
Alice: He’s right, Mrs. Brady, it’s like I said before, they forget about everything when they’re having fun.
(Cut back to the cave. The boys seem to be going around in circles.)
Greg: A dead end.
Peter: It’s just an end, don’t say dead.
Bobby: I’m with him.
(They take another turn as the professor runs to speak to the totem pole, which he calls Oliver.)
Professor: Oh Oliver, Oliver, how could I have been so careless? I should have covered the entrance to the cave better. Those children are gonna ruin everything, I must get rid of them.
(The guys are about to move up to that direction.)
Greg: Will you guys come on!
(The professor hears them and hides behind the totem pole. He seems them through the pole.)
Peter: We’re gonna be in a lot of trouble with Mom and Dad.
Bobby: Yeah, we shouldn’t have done this.
Greg: You’re both just scared, why don’t you admit it.
Bobby (defiantly): I’m not scared!
Peter: I’m not scared!
Greg: Okay, you stay here while I look down there.
Bobby: I’m scared!
Peter: We admit it.
(They run to join Greg. The professor takes pride in what happened.)
Professor (to the totem pole): Did you hear that, Oliver? I really did frighten them. Now to finish the job.
(Back at the hotel, the girls are debating whether to tell the parents where the boys went.)
Jan: I think we should tell Mom and Dad where they went.
Cindy: Jan’s right, we should tell them.
Marcia: But we gave our promise that we wouldn’t. I say we wait a little longer.
(Cut back to the cave, where the boys are obviously trapped. )
Greg: Another dead end.
Peter: I tell you there’s nobody here. (They hear a very strange sound) Did you hear that?
Greg: Yeah, I heard it.
Bobby: If that’s somebody, I don’t wanna meet him. (They hear the noise again) I’m getting out of here.
Peter: I’m with you.
(They run and hear the noise once again.)
Greg: Hold on, you guys. Don’t panic. All right, we know someone’s in here, so come out, whoever you are.
(The professor comes out from a trunk wearing a strange costume. He makes that weird noise again and the boys run in fear. The professor comes out of the trunk.)
Professor (to himself): Darn it, they went the wrong way. (He goes over to the totem pole) Well, Oliver, if I can’t get rid of them one way, I’ll get rid of them another. (He grabs a long, pointed stick) All right, I tried to frighten you, but you wouldn’t go! Now come on out, I got you trapped!
(Cut back to the hotel, where the girls tell the parents about the situation.)
Mike: Why didn’t you tell us this before?
Marcia: Because we promised the boys that we wouldn’t.
Carol: Honey, you know better than that. You don’t keep a promise like that if you know it might hurt someone.
Mike: Where did they go?
Cindy: We don’t know.
Jan: But the boys did say they were gonna take the idol back to some old burial ground.
Alice: Well, didn’t they say where it was?
Marcia: No, but old Mr. Hanelei told them where it was. He works for the construction company, Dad.
Mike: Then I think we better have a talk with Mr. Hanelei.
(Cut back to the cave. The professor tied the boys to a post and went to talk to Oliver.)
Professor: Well, this is definitely a fly in the anointment, Oliver. The sticky wicket. What are we gonna do with these boys, Oliver?
Bobby: He keeps calling that thing Oliver?
Professor (to the boys): When you’re been alone as long as I have, you need companionship, someone to talk to?
Greg: Sure, everybody needs a friend.
Professor: Well, the point is, what are you doing here? Nobody knows about this cave but me.
Greg: We just stumbled on to it
Peter: Honest, we came to the burial ground to bring back the little idol.
Professor (wide eyed): Idol? What idol?
Bobby: In Greg’s pocket.
Professor: Which one is Greg?
Bobby: The big one.
(Greg looks disgustedly at Bobby as the professor takes the idol, then looks it over.)
Professor: Oh, it’s beautiful. It’s exquisite. It’s a most important archaeological find. You naughty, naughty boys. You didn’t bring this here, you found this while you’ve been here in this cave.
Greg: No we didn’t. We found it back it in Honolulu.
Professor: Don’t lie to me. You found the find I didn’t find.
Bobby: Honest, mister, we didn’t find the found you didn’t (Pause) Find.
Professor: Stubborn, aren’t you. (He goes right over to Bobby) Well, I can wait, I can wait a long, long time because you’re never gonna leave here until you tell me the truth.
(Meanwhile, Mike and Carol are asking Mr. Hanelei about the burial ground.)
Hanelei: I did nothing wrong.
Mike: We’re not blaming anybody, Mr. Hanelei. Just tell us where our boys went.
Hanelei: I did nothing wrong.
Mike: Please, Mr. Hanelei.
Carol: The boys are lost. They haven’t come back.
Hanelei: They did not come back?
Carol: No. Will you please help us.
Hanelei: That is bad. I will tell you what I told them.
(Back at the cave, the professor is having some beans with the boys tied up and watching him.)
Bobby: Boy, those beans sure look good.
Professor: Well, all you have to do is spill the beans and they’re yours.
Peter: Mister, we’re telling you the truth about the idol.
Greg: That’s right, Mr…
Professor: Not Mr., Professor. Professor Hubert Whitehead.
Greg: You’re a professor?
Professor: Hmm, a professor of archaeology.
Peter: Archaeology, that’s about digging up ruins, isn’t it.
Professor: Ruins and bones and mummies. Other fun things. I don’t suppose any of you ever heard of me.
Greg: No, I don’t think we have.
Professor: Nobody has, that’s my problem. You know, I remember when I was digging along the Nile, with Carruthers. The wretched jack, Carruthers, I never could stand him. He was always winning. You know what I mean?
Bobby: Oh, I know a guy like that.
Professor: Well, we were searching for the lost tomb of Overo and we almost had it narrowed down to the exact spot when Carruthers suggested that I search one way while he searched another.
Greg: What happened?
Professor: Carruthers found the tomb.
Peter: And you?
Professor: I got lost.
Greg: That’s tough luck, Professor.
Peter: Is that what you’re doing here now? Looking for stuff for museums?
Professor: Museums? (He scoffs) I turned my back on the academic world. There are treasures buried in this cave that are worth a fortune, a fortune. And they’re all mine, all mine.
Bobby: You mean you’re gonna steal it?
Professor: Please. I prefer to think of it as proper compensation for past injustices. That’s why you’re gonna tell me where you found that idol. Because wherever it was, there’s bound to be more.
Greg (protesting): We already told you, back in Honolulu!
Professor: I want the truth. You’re somebody’s children, aren’t you?
Greg: And we’d like to keep it that way.
Professor: Precisely why you’re gonna tell me where you found that idol. Now you think about it, while I go reheat my beans.
(The professor gets up to do so.)
Peter (whispering): That guy is a real ding-a-ling.
Bobby: Yeah. We gotta get out of here.
Greg: Don’t worry. When he tied us up I felt some slack in my rope. We should be out of this in a minute.
(Greg starts to untie himself while Mike and Carol, who came to hunt for them, parked their car outside the burial site. They exit the car.)
Carol: Honey, are you sure this is the right place?
Mike: From what Mr. Hanelei said, it has to be.
Carol: Oh, it’s not gonna be easy to find them in here at night.
Mike: No, but we’re gonna find them, come on.
(Meantime, Greg unties the other boys and they try to escape.)
Greg: Don’t make a sound.
(They tiptoe away but the professor comes out with his spear.)
Professor: Thought you could get away from the old professor, didn’t you, didn’t you!
(He laughs and goads them back to the spot he tied them up in. The scene fades away. )
(In the next scene, the professor reties them )
Professor (sternly): Very naughty of you trying to run away.
Greg: We’re sorry, Professor.
Bobby: Yeah, we just lost our heads.
Peter: Shh, don’t give him any ideas.
Professor: This foolishness has got to stop. Either you tell me where you found that idol or I’m gonna take what treasures I can, leave you tied here in this cave, and go. (He gets sterner) Now, start talking!
Greg: I’ve got something to tell you, Professor.
Professor (bitterly): What?
Greg: Your beans are burning.
Professor: Oh, good heavens.
(He takes off. )
Greg (to Peter and Bobby): I had to get rid of him for a minute so we can figure out what to do.
Peter: We told him the truth. He won’t believe us.
Bobby: Yeah, we found the idol in Honolulu.
Greg: This time we’ll lie. We gotta stall for time.
Bobby: What good will that do?
Greg: The girls know where we are. They’ll tell Mom and Dad, and they’ll come and get us.
Peter: But you made the girls promise to keep it a secret.
Greg: That’s the point, those blabbermouths never keep a secret.
Bobby: Boy, I hope you’re right.
Greg: Let’s stall for time. And even if Mom and Dad don’t come, something else might happen.
Peter: I can think of lots of things that can happen.
Bobby: Me too, and I don’t like any of them.
(Cut back to the burial ground. Mike and Carol are still searching for the boys, when Mike notices something.)
Mike: Hey, look.
Carol: What is it?
Mike: It’s popcorn. And it leads a way from here like a trail.
Carol: And Bobby’s always eating popcorn.
Mike: That’s right. I’m sure it’s a trail. Come on, honey, we’re gonna find them.
(Back in the cave, Greg calls the professor on his new claim. )
Greg (calling): Professor!
(He comes back to them.)
Professor: A word of thanks, boys, you saved my beans.
Greg: Well, good.
Professor: Now, let’s get on with it. Are you prepared to tell me where you found that idol? The precise spot in this cave?
Greg: That’s the trouble. We don’t remember exactly. You see, we found it when you tried to scare us away.
Professor: Should we believe him, Oliver?
Bobby: Believe us, Oliver, believe us.
Peter: If you untie us, Professor, we’re sure we can help you find the exact spot.
Professor: All right, I’ll untie you, but don’t try to run away, because if you do…
(He points his spear at them.)
Greg: We get the point.
(Back in the burial ground, Mike and Carol are still searching for them.)
Mike: There’s more popcorn here,. honey.
Carol (doubtful): Maybe it isn’t Bobby’s. Maybe it’s been there for days.
Mike: No, no, no. With all the birds around, not a chance. Come on, honey, let’s go.
(Cut back to the cave, where the guys try to show the professor where they claim to have found the idol.)
Professor: I thought you knew exactly where you found it!
Greg: I didn’t mean exactly, exactly, Professor. I meant exactly in the exact location. Not the exact spot in the exact location, exactly. Understand?
Bobby: You do.
Professor: I now believe that you found the idol in Honolulu. So, there’s only one thing I can do.
Peter: Let us go?
(The professor gives them the okay signal.)
Professor: Wrong, I have no choice.
Bobby: Do we have a choice?
Professor: No! I’m gonna tie you up again and get out with my treasures. All right now, move, move, move, move, move, move. (They go back to the old post they were tied up at with him following them with his spear) All right, over there, over there.
(Bobby finds they’re out of sequence from the last time they were tied up. )
Bobby: Hey, this isn’t my tiki, that’s my tiki.
(Peter and Greg block him from going to his desired tiki and he screams and wrestles them. They argue.)
Professor: Oh, for goodness sake, take any tiki!
(Bobby, Greg and Peter line up as the professor gets the rope. Peter taps Greg and they switch, to the discuss of the professor, who tied them up. Mike and Carol are closer to the cave.)
Carol: Mike, this must be the burial ground.
Mike: Carol, look.
(They see the cave and enter it. The professor becomes apologetic to the boys.)
Professor: I’m sorry if I frightened you boys, I never really meant to hurt you. When I get into town, I’ll send someone back to let you go. Would you like some beans?
(Mike and Carol find them in the cave.)
Greg: Over here.
(They come running to them )
Carol: Boys! Are you all right?
(The professor goes to sit down somewhere and gets upset.)
Professor (to himself): Now everyone knows about my secret cave. It’s become a tourist attraction.
Mike: Listen, I don’t know who you are or what you’re doing, but you have a lot of explaining to do.
Professor: Yes, I suppose I do owe you that.
(Next, the professor is concluding his explanation with an apology. )
Professor: So, let me say once again how sorry I am that I frightened your boys, Mr. Brady. All I ever really wanted was a place of my own in the academic world, and, now I’ve sunk to crime. I’m an archaeological dropout.
Mike: Professor, you didn’t really think you’d get away with stealing all these treasures, did you?
Professor: Well, one has hopes.
Mike: Well, what if you reported the cave and the treasures to the state of Hawaii.
Professor: Well, I’ve thought of that, but, somehow, someway, somebody else would get the credit for it.
Mike: Not if you had five witnesses who would swear that you found it.
Professor: Five witnesses?
Mike: Me, my boys and my wife.
Professor (excited): Then I’d be assured of reporting a major archaeological find.
Professor: You’d do that for me?
Professor: I’d be famous. (He goes over to Oliver) Oh, Oliver, Oliver, did you hear that? I’ve done it. I made a discovery of my very own. Me, Oliver, me. Oh, Oliver.
(He then proceeds to hug it, much to Mike’s surprise. Carol and the boys come by.)
Peter: Well, we found it.
Greg: The tomb of the first king.
Bobby: And we put the tabu idol back.
Carol: Honey, you know there are some very weird things in here.
Mike: You’re telling me.
(He motions to the professor, who is still hugging Oliver.)
Bobby: Oh, that’s just Oliver.
(Next, the Brady’s and the professor are at a luau, in honor of the professor and his discovery. The mayor’s representative makes a speech.)
Representative: Tonight, with this luau, we celebrate the illustrious Dr. Whitehead’s major archaeological discovery (the Brady’s all applaud him) and his appointment as developer and durator of the museum’s new Whitehead wing. (They applaud him again)And also to honor the Brady family (another round of applause) who helped make his discovery possible. We consider them Islanders, old Hawaiian friends. Aloha Bumehama.
The Bradys: Aloha.
Representative: Let us rejoice. As tradition demands, you must blow the horn of brotherhood.
(He hands the horn to Cindy, who goes first.)
Carol: Come on, sweetheart.
(She blows on it, then passed it to Jan, then Marcia, who has a hard time with it. Next is Alice, who doesn’t do much better and believes her lip is gone, then to Carol, Mike, Greg, Peter and Bobby, who makes an excellent sound. He hands it to the representative.)
Representative: Small boy has big lungs. Now, let the luau continue.
(The festivities go on as the Bradys and the professor continue to enjoy themselves.)
Professor: It’s a magnificent evening. Oliver would’ve loved it.
(The scene fades out. )
(The final scene has the Bradys getting ready to go back home.)
Carol: Honey, this has been an absolutely marvelous vacation.
Mike: It will be a real marvel if we could get everything packed so we could go
(Bobby comes in to the parents’ room.)
Bobby: All us guys ready, Dad.
Mike: Great, hey Bob, come here, give me a hand. (He comes over to him) Hop up there (the suitcase).
(Bobby sits on top of the suitcase to close it. )
Mike: That’s it.
Bobby: Boy, am I glad we’re not taking that bad luck idol home with us.
Carol: Honey, that’s not a bad luck idol.
Mike: Right. That bad luck is all in your head.
Bobby: What about Greg getting hit on the head with a surfboard.
Carol: Well, it was good luck he wasn’t really hurt.
Bobby: What about the spider that crawled on Pete.
Mike: He was lucky it wasn’t poisonous.
Bobby: Oh, I get it. I guess it just depends on how you look at things.
(Mike closed the suitcase.)
Mike: There. Okay.
(He realizes something.)
Mike: Uh oh. Well, I broke my sandal, what rotten luck.
Bobby: No, that’s good luck.
Mike: Good luck?
Bobby: Sure, you’re lucky your foot wasn’t in it.
Bobby: It all depends on how you look at things.
(We next see the airplane the family is on taking them home. )
One thought on “S4 E3 The Tiki Caves”
To. Jimihaze68; “The Tiki Caves ” is my favorite episode of The Brady Bunch , with an actor who is a favorite of mine, Vincent Price, as the guest star. For me, the funniest part of the episode is when he looks through a hole in the totem pole or tiki that he calls Oliver and his eyes open wide (wide eyes make me laugh). I remember watching that particular episode of The Brady Bunch when it was originally broadcast on October 6, 1972, on a black-and-white, 13- inch, portable TV, while I was recovering from a retinal re-attachment operation on my left eye that year. I have been a big fan of Vincent Price for many years since the 1970s, and I have admired his work on television and in the movies that I have seen on TV. Yours truly, Margaret Garnto