Cyrano de Brady
Written by Skip Webster
Peter has a crush on Jan’s new friend, Kerri. When he asks Greg to help him score with her, Kerri ends up falling for Greg. Hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(The episode begins with Jan coming home with her friend, Kerri. They see Greg fixing a motor on one of the cars.)
Jan: Whatcha doing?
Greg: Tightening the clamp on the water hose.
Jan: Oh, this is my new friend, Kerri Hathaway. She just moved into the neighborhood. (to Kerri) This is my brother, Greg.
Kerri: I’m pleased to meet you.
Jan: Come on, let’s meet everybody else.
(They go inside and Jan introduces Kerri to Alice. Then they go into the living room, where Carol is at the table with Bobby and Cindy )
Jan: Kerri, I’d like you to meet my mother, Cindy and Bobby.
(They all say hi.)
Carol: Hi Kerri, welcome to the neighborhood.
Kerri: Thanks, Mrs. Brady.
Carol: Would you girls like something to eat?
Kerri: Well, I’m not really hungry, thank you.
Jan: Me either. We’re gonna go up to my room and do some homework anyway?
(Peter comes down the stairs and notices Kerri and is immediately smitten.)
Kerri: It was nice meeting all of you.
Kerri: See you later.
Carol: Okay, honey.
(They head to the stairway and see Peter.)
Jan: Oh, Peter, this is my new friend, Kerri Hathaway. (to Kerri) This is my brother, Peter.
Peter (dumbfounded): Pleased to meet me.
(He gets too nervous to speak. The girls laugh and he walks through the living room in a trance, to the amusement of Carol and the kids. The scene fades.)
(The next scene takes us to that evening. Peter comes in the girls,’ room to speak to Jan.)
Peter: Jan, could I talk to you?
Jan: Sure, but make it quick. I’ve got a lot of homework.
Peter: Marcia, can we have some privacy?
Marcia (getting up): Hey, it sounds pretty confidential.
Peter: It is.
Marcia (sitting on the bad with Jan): Then I wouldn’t dream of leaving.
Jan: Come on, Peter, what is it?
Peter: Marcia, please.
Marcia: Oh, come on, Pete. I won’t blab. I promise.
Peter: Well, I guess it’s okay. (Pause) What it is, is, well, it’s sort of about Kerri Hathaway.
Marcia: Who’s Kerri Hathaway.
Jan: Well, she’s my new classmate. What about her, Peter?
Peter: Well, I was wondering if, you know, if she’d like to go to a movie, or something, with me.
Jan: How should I know? Why don’t you ask her.
Peter: But what if she turns me down?
Marcia: Why would she turn you down? You’re a nice guy.
Jan: Yeah, all the girls at school think you’re cute.
Peter: They do?
Marcia: You got a great personality and you’re lots of fun to be with.
Jan: That’s right, and you’re kind and very considerate of people.
Peter: Yeah, that’s true, too.
Jan: Go phone her. The number is in the book downstairs.
Peter: Okay, I will. (He turns around to walk out, then turns around again) This is going to be the most important phone call I ever made in my whole entire life.
(The girls laugh. Next, Kerri is at home and her phone rings.)
Kerri (answering): Hello.
Kerri: This is Kerri.
Peter: Hi, this is Pete.
Kerri: Pete who?
Peter: Peter Brady. You met me this afternoon. I’m Jan’s brother.
Kerri: Oh, you must be the cute little one with the freckles.
Peter: No, that’s my brother Bobby.
Kerri: Oh, then you’re the groovy looking one fixing the car.
Peter: No, that’s my brother Greg.
Kerri: Then which one are you?
Peter: I’m the one who better say goodbye.
(He hangs up and says goodbye to himself.)
(The next day, Mike is getting ready for work and Peter comes in the room. He is sporting a jacket and tie.)
Peter:: Hi, Dad.
Mike: Hey, how come you’re so dressed up? Trying to get thrown of school?
Peter: I’m trying to sort of, you know, impress a certain girl. And I was wondering…
Mike: Yeah. Wondering what?
Peter: Dad, can I borrow some aftershave lotion?
(Mike examines Peter’s face.)
Mike: Did you shave?
Peter: Do you have to shave to use aftershave lotion?
Mike (laughing): Come to think of it, no. I got just the thing for you back here.
(He goes into the bathroom to get it.)
Peter: She’s really something special. So I thought I’d better look special, and smell special too.
Mike: Now listen, Peter. If you want to impress her, you use just a little of this.
Peter: How come just a little?
Mike: Well, like it says in the TV commercials, if you use a lot, you’re gonna have to fight off the women with a whip and a chair.
Peter: Well, since I just met her, maybe I should start slow.
(He starts putting some on.)
Mike: Hey, that’s good thinking.
Peter: Hey, this smells good. (He puts a little more on) Insurance.
(Next, Peter is at school and seem Kerri. He goes to approach her.)
Peter: Kerri, small world.
Peter: Don’t you recognize me? I’m Jan’s brother, Pete.
Kerri: Oh, I’m sorry. You must have been the boy who called last night.
Jan: I met so many new kids in school, I can’t keep them straight.
Peter: That’s okay.( She notices the cologne Mike gave him and smells it.) Oh, yeah, aftershave lotion. You like it, huh?
Kerri: Do you shave?
Peter: Oh, yeah, all the time. My Dad and I use the same brand. (He notices her books) Let me carry your books.
Kerri: That’s okay, I can…
(He accidentally drops them.)
Peter: Gee, I’m sorry. (He picks them up) Let me wipe them off.
Kerri: Don’t bother.
Peter: I insist.( He wipes them off with a tissue and goes to the fountain to clean the tissue. He gives her the books) Here, hold these. I’ll get them real clean.
(He turns on the fountain and it splashes on her. She screams as she gets wet.)
Peter: Oh, wow.
(He starts wiping her face with the tissue, not realizing it’s dirty. He gets her face all muddy.)
Kerri: Stop it! Now look what you’ve done!
(She runs away embarrassed. Peter is left to wallow in his misery.)
Peter (to himself): Can’t I do anything right?
(Cut back to the house, where Mike comes back from work.)
Mike: Hi, honey, I’m home.
(She runs to the kitchen to greet him. She gives him a big kiss.)
Mike: Hey, that’s some special kiss.
Carol: Yeah, glad you liked it.
Mike: Yeah, I did. Uh-oh. You got something to tell me. Don’t you.
Carol: Yeah, Guess where we’re going Friday night.
Mike: Umm. The new play, you got tickets.
Carol (excited): Yeah, I got tickets!
Mike: Hey great.
Carol: But not to the play. I have got tickets to that modern art show I mentioned.
Mike (annoyed): Oh, honey, come on, not another show where a soup can crushed wins first prize.
Carol: Oh, Mike, I had to buy the tickets, they’re for charity.
Mike (knocking on the table): Couldn’t we stay at home and crush our own soup cans.
Carol: Oh, Mike, they’ll be expecting us
(He agrees and they kiss again. Peter glumly walks by.)
Mike: Hi, Peter.
Carol: Hi, Pete.
Peter (sadly): Hi.
Mike: Hey, what’s the matter. Oh, didn’t the shaving lotion work.
Peter: It smelled okay but I sure stunk it up. I can’t even talk to her!
Mike: Yeah, well, wait a minute, don’t get uptight about it. Listen, you know that when I was your age, I had exactly the same problem with a girl.
Peter: You did?
Mike: Yes, I did. Polly Leadbetter.
Carol: Polly Leadbetter?
Mike: That was her name. And Everytime I got within 10 feet of that girl, I got a knot on my tongue I could have won a merit badge with it.
Peter: What did you do about it?
Mike: Well, I just figured if I couldn’t say what I wanted to, I could always write it, you see. So I wrote her a letter.
Peter: A letter, huh.
Mike: Uh-huh, that way, you know, you can take your time and think about what you’re gonna say.
Peter (excited): That’s a great idea. Thanks, Dad.
(Peter happily runs upstairs and we next see him in the family room attempting to write Kerri a letter. Alice catches him throwing a bunch of crumbled papers behind him.)
Alice: What are you doing? Trying to write a letter or starting a paper drive?
Peter: It’s a tough letter to write, Alice. I don’t want it to sound corny.
Alice: Well, want to try it out on me?
Peter: Okay. (He reads) Dear Kerri.
Peter: That’s it. That’s where I get stuck.
Alice: Oh. Oh yeah, well, that first line is always the toughest.
Peter: I just don’t know what to say.
Alice: Well, why don’t you try something poetic. Like, how do I love these. Let me count the ways.
Peter: Great. Give it to me again, slow.
Alice: How do I love these.
(We next see Jan at school. Peter comes up to her.)
Peter: What did she say?
Peter: Kerri Hathaway. What did she say?
Jan: About what?
Peter: About me?
Jan: Peter, we’ve got a communication gap going. What are you talking about?
Peter: I wrote Kerri a letter and I slipped it into her locker. I want to know what she said about it.
Jan: Oh, was it a gooey love letter?
Peter: Yeah, did she mention it?
Jan: She mentioned it.
Peter: What did she say?
Jan: She said it was beautifully written.
Jan: Super poetic and fantastic.
Peter: What else did she say?
Jan: That the dumb-dumb who wrote it forgot to sign his name.
Peter (crestfallen): Oh no. How could I be so stupid?
Jan: You must practice a lot.
(She walks away. Later on, Greg is at home playing basketball. Peter tries talking him into helping him. )
Peter: It’s the perfect planning. You’re the perfect guy.
Greg: No way, Pete. No way. Where did you get this weird idea?
Peter (taking a book from his pocket): From this copy of Cyrano De Bergerac. Marcia put me on to it. It’s about this guy with a big nose. He’s in love with this girl named Roxanne.
Greg (taking a shot): Peter, I know the story.
Peter: He’s shy, see, and he hides in the bushes and he has this other guy say the words.
Greg: I said I know the story.
Peter: All I’m asking you to do is hide in the bushes like Cyrano did, and you feed me the right words. (Greg walks away laughing) When it comes to smooth talk and girls, everybody says you’re the greatest.
(Greg takes another shot and then stops.)
Greg: Yeah, everybody says that?
Peter: Everybody. They call you old silver tongue.
Greg: They do?
Peter: Why, you’re a legend in your own time.
Greg: How about that?
Peter: I really need help from an expert like you.
Greg: Well, okay, we’ll try it. If Cyrano can do it, so can old silver tongue.
(He takes another shot. Cut to that evening, where they’re outside Kerri’s house. Greg goes behind the bushes.)
Peter: You’re sure I look okay?
Greg: Peter, you look fine.
Peter: What about my hair? Does my hair look okay?
Greg: After 20 minutes with Mom’s hair dryer, you couldn’t look any better.
Peter: You’re sure you thought up some real poetic stuff.
Greg: My stuff is even better than Cyrano’s. Remember your first line?
Peter: Yeah. Well, here goes.
(Greg pats his back for good luck and Peter lightly throws three rocks at Kerri’s window until she appears.)
Peter: Hello, lovely one.
Kerri: Peter, is that you?
Peter: Yeah, can I talk to you? It’s important.
Kerri: I guess so. Come around to the front.
Peter: No, wait. I uh…
Greg: I want to see you here, where your lovely hair outshines the moonbeams.
Peter (repeating): I want to see you here, where your lovely hair outshines the moonbeams.
Kerri: Peter, are you feeling all right?
Greg: How can I feel otherwise, when I’m so close to your beauty.
Peter: How can I feel otherwise, when I’m so close to your beauty.
Kerri: I’ve never seen you act like this before.
Greg: I’m not acting, it’s true love, from the first time I saw you.
Peter: I’m not acting, it’s true love, from the first time I saw you.
Kerri: Peter, why are you standing all the way over there?
(Peter mumbles to Greg why.)
Greg: Distance lense enchantment.
Peter: Distance lense enchantment.
Kerri: What in the world is going on out there?
Greg: Just take what I have to offer, the rainbows, the sunlight, my life, the world.
Peter: Take my rainbows and sun life.
Greg: That’s not what I said. (Peter still gets it wrong) For crying out loud, will you listen?
Peter (dismayed): She’s gone! I blew it again!
(Kerri comes outside.)
Kerri: Peter, what’s going on out here?
Peter: Hello, lovely one.
(She notices Greg in the bushes.)
Kerri: Greg! What are you doing here?
Peter: Uh. I can explain.
Greg: Yeah, he can explain.
Kerri: No, you didn’t have to explain, I understand everything now. (She hugs Greg) It’s just like Cyrano. Don’t be shy, Greg. You don’t need Peter to speak for you.
(She hugs him again and Peter leaves, Greg tries to get him to come back. The scene fades.)
(The next scene has Mike and Carol in the family room, waiting for Peter and Greg to return home.)
Carol: I forgot to show you this.
Mike: Yeah, what is it?
Carol: It’s the brochure for the art show Friday night. I thought you’d like to see some of the paintings that are gonna be exhibited.
(Mike looks at it and then turns it over.)
Mike: You sure those are paintings? They look more like a tablecloth after a spaghetti festival.
Peter (coming in ): Boy, do I have a rat for a brother.
Mike: Wait a minute. What’s the matter with you?
Peter: Greg just hijacked my girl.
Carol: What do you mean?
Peter: He was supposed to help me impress Kerri, not himself. She’s flipped over him
Carol: Where’s Greg?
Peter: With Kerri. She was hanging all over him.
Mike: What did you do about it?
Peter: I left. What should I do? Take pictures?
(Greg comes in.):
Greg (annoyed): Thanks for splitting and leaving me stuck with your girl.
Peter (sarcastically): Oh, you really looked like you were in pain. Thanks for stealing Kerri.
Greg: I didn’t steal her.
Peter: Oh, then you just borrowed her without permission.
Mike: Hold it, you two. Now wait a minute. Greg, what happened?
Greg: Dad, the whole thing was a big mistake. I tried to straighten it out but Kerri wouldn’t listen to a word I said.
Peter: I bet you did.
Greg (fuming): Look, pal, I can’t help it if… Oh, forget about it, Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.
Carol: Good night, Greg.
Mike: Good night.
(Greg leaves to go upstairs.)
Mike: Peter, wait a minute. You know, a guy can’t always get a girl to like him. Maybe you ought to forget about this girl, for now.
Carol: Honey, there are a lot other fish in the sea.
Peter: I know, but I got Moby Dick for a brother. Good night, Mom, good night, Dad.
(Cut to the next day, when Carol and Alice are in the kitchen. Alice is looking inside the cupboard.)
Alice: And I say we need two pounds of rice.
Carol (writing): Two pounds of rice. Is that it, Alice?
Alice: And definitely some cake mix. I thought I’d make Peter a nice, gooey cake to glue back together his poor broken heart.
Carol: Alice, you’re the Dear Abby of the kitchen.
(Cindy comes in.)
Cindy: Hi, Mom. Hi, Alice.
Carol: Hi, sweetheart.( She kisses her)
Carol: How was school today?
Cindy: It was better in the afternoon than it was in the morning.
Carol: Yeah, why’s that?
Cindy: I got out in the afternoon.
(Greg comes in the kitchen )
Greg: Has anyone seen my blue sweater?
Carol: Not since I washed it.
Cindy: I know where it is.
Cindy: Jan lent it to Kerri Hathaway?
Greg: Kerri, what for?
Cindy: Measurement. Kerri’s knitting you a new one. It’s supposed to be a surprise.
Carol: Not anymore.
Alice: Say, I almost forgot. Kerri came by and left this for you. Homemade fudge.
Greg: Oh, this is really getting to bug me. (He takes a bite of the fudge) I got to do something about that girl?
Cindy (calling): If you don’t like her anymore, can I have the fudge?
(Meanwhile, Peter is upstairs in the room with Bobby. He shoes him a new toy car he just put together.)
Bobby: Neat, huh?
Peter: You’re lucky you’re young, Bobby.
(Bobby examines it further before testing it )
Bobby: I think it just needs new brushes.
Peter: Stay away from women, kid. They’ll break your heart every time.
Bobby: What are you talking about?
Peter: You’re too young to understand.
(Greg comes in the room.)
Greg: Peter, Pete. Pete, I got a great idea for you.
Peter: If it’s about joining the foreign legion, I already thought about it.
Greg: How would you like to get Kerri back. Now, listen, I…
Peter (interrupting): I don’t trust you! You stole my girl!
Greg: I didn’t steal your girl!
Peter: You did.
Bobby: If you guys are starting that again, I’m getting out of here.
(He gets up and leaves. Greg sits down. )
Greg: Pete, listen, listen, you gotta trust me. Please.
Peter: Well, okay, but not around Kerri.
Greg: I won’t go near her. Jan.
Greg: Jan’s gonna tell Kerri that nobody trusts me. That I’m a no good double crossing two timing rat.
Peter: Oh, you mean she’s gonna tell her the truth.
Greg: Yeah (thinking again) No. What I mean is, after Kerri’s convinced that I’m a rat fink, Jan will tell her what a great guy you are.
Peter: She will?
Greg: Sure, and Kerri will turn off of me and turn on to you.
Peter: Hey, yeah, that’s a great idea. You’re a pretty nice brother, for a no good double crossing two timing rat.
(The next day, Greg is playing basketball and Jan comes home.)
Greg: Well, when does Pete take over?
Jan: How does never sound?
Greg: Never, what went wrong?
Jan: Kerri’s gonna save you from your horrible self. She’s gonna change you.
Greg (sarcastically): Terrific. Did you tell her everything?
Jan: Everything. I don’t understand it. Unless she didn’t believe me.
Greg: Hey wait, maybe that’s the trouble. Maybe she didn’t believe you. Maybe she has to be shown that I’m a rat fink.
Jan: But how are you gonna show her?
Greg: That’s a good question. (He gets an idea) Maybe I got a good answer. Mom and Dad are going to the art show, right.
Greg: Could you get Peter out of the house?
Jan: I guess so. What are you gonna do?
Greg: I’ll explain later. Now for the other woman.
Jan: What other woman?
Greg: Has Kerri ever met Marcia?
Jan: No. What other woman?
Greg: Great. I’ll invite Kerri over tonight.
(He goes inside.)
Jan (calling): What other woman!
(Greg is upstairs with Marcia and he takes out a wig from the closet.)
Greg: When you put on this wig and some dark glasses, Kerri will never know who you are.
Marcia: I’m not sure Kerri ever saw me.
Greg: Well we can’t take any chances. It’s too important to Peter
Marcia: Right. Okay, exit Marcia Brady, enter the other woman.
(That evening, Greg goes down the stairs. He turns the light out in the hallway between the stairs and the den. He turns on the lights in the living room, then the television, which is playing romantic music. The doorbell rings and he goes to answer it. Kerri is outside the door.)
Greg (letting her in): Hi, doll
Kerri: Hi. Thanks for inviting me over.
Greg: Well, I believe in spreading myself around.
Kerri: Super outfit.
Greg: These are my working threads. Know what I mean?
Kerri: Where’s everybody else?
Greg: Out. We’re all alone, kid.
(He leads her to the living room and they sit on the couch.)
Greg: Now, I’d like to get a few things straight. The way I see it you’re crazy about me and you want to go steady, right?
Greg: Well, I got a couple of rules you got to dig
Greg: Rule 1, you go out only with me.
Kerri: Oh, I like that.
Greg: Rule 2, I go out with whoever I want.
Kerri: That don’t sound fair.
Greg: What do you want? Fair or me?
(Greg turns the light out.)
Greg: Now, let me tell you about rule 3.
(He starts trying to make out with her.)
Kerri: Could we go back to rule 2?
(The doorbell rings.)
Greg: Don’t move. I’ll be right back.
(He gets up to answer the door. It’s Marcia, posing as Greg’s alleged old girlfriend, Debbie. Alice is up and witnesses the charade.)
Greg: Debbie, not you again.
Marcia: Greg, I have to talk to you.
(She comes in the living room and sees Kerri.)
Marcia: Oh, I might have known I’d find another women here.
Greg: You caught me at a bad time. I usually have 3 or 4.
Marcia: Greg, you gotta take me back. Give me one more chance. I’ll do anything you say.
Greg: No way. Debbie, you bore me.
Marcia: I’ll change. I promise.
Kerri: Greg, maybe I should go.
Greg: Nah, stick around, kid. Watch me throw her out. (to Marcia) come on, loser.
Marcia: Greg, if you drop me, I don’t know what I’ll do.
Greg: I said out.
(Mike and Carol come home from the back, Alice shows them what the kids are doing.)
Mike: What is it, Alice?
Alice: I’m not sure, but I think they’re rehearsing a teenage soap opera.
Kerri: Greg, how could you treat her like this?
Greg: Out with the old, in with the new.
Kerri: But this girl loves you.
Marcia: Oh yes, I do, I do, I do.
Greg: Listen, if you don’t like it, you can leave too.
Kerri (angry): Greg Brady! You’re even worse than Jan said. (Greg smirks) I never want to see you again.
(Cut back to the kitchen, where the adults are still witnessing the episode.)
Mike: You were right, Alice. This is a soap opera.
Kerri: Come on, Debbie.
(Greg opens the door for them to leave. Peter comes in.)
Greg: Peter, you’re supposed to be at the library.
Peter: I was. Marcia, what are you doing in that wig?
Marcia: I’m not Marcia, I’m…
Greg: She’s Debbie.
Marcia: She’s Debbie, I’m Debbie.
Kerri: Something funny’s going on.
Peter: You mean something phony. That’s my sister, in a wig.
(He pulls it off Marcia’s head.)
Kerri (surprised): Your sister?
Peter: What’s this all about?
Greg: We were trying to convince Kerri that I was a rat fink.
Peter: that’s really dirty. playing a trick like that when she really cares about you.
Marcia: We’re sorry, Kerri.
Peter: If a girl as wonderful as Kerri was my girl, you know how I’d treat her? I’d…
Kerri: You’d what, Peter?
Peter: I’d treat her like a (Pause) queen.
Kerri: Peter, could I ask a favor?
Peter (sheepishly): Anything.
Kerri: Would you walk me home?
Peter: Wow, would I.
(They leave and Greg shuts the door behind them. He and Marcia sigh relief.)
Marcia: For a minute there, I thought we blew it.
(Mike and Carol meet them in the living room.)
Greg: Mom, Dad, I guess we should explain.
Mike: Well, I think we understand. Good night, kids.
Greg: Good night.
Carol: Good night, Greg. Good night, Debbie.
(She takes the wig and the scene fades.)
(The final scene has Cindy talking to Carol, with Bobby hiding under the table, telling her what to say.)
Cindy: I really didn’t have any dessert last night, so I think I better have two.
Carol: Two donuts?
Bobby: They give you lots of energy, Mom.
Cindy: They give you lots of energy, Mom.
Bobby: And with lots of energy, you do more homework.
Cindy: And with lots of energy, you do more homework.
Bobby: When you do more homework, you can get better grades in school.
Cindy: When you do more homework, you can get better grades in school.
Carol: Well, that’s a pretty convincing argument. Okay, here are tow donuts. One for you, and one for your Cyrano.
(Bobby comes up from under.)
Bobby: Well, I figured, maybe if it can work for girls, it can work for donuts too. Want a bite?