Goodbye Alice, Hello
Written by Milt Rosen
Alice quits her job after a few misunderstandings with the kids, who believes she finked on them. Hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
KAY, Alice’s friend and temporary replacement
MR. FOSTER, manager of coffee shop
CUSTOMER at coffee shop
(The episode begins with Greg and Peter coming home, engaging in horseplay. They’re throwing their books to each other as in playing catch, but rather roughly. they enter the kitchen.)
Alice: Hey, wait a minute, you guys. This is a kitchen, not a coliseum.
Greg: We’re just getting in a little practice, Alice.
Alice: Yeah, well, wait a second. (she hands Peter a frisbee) Is this yours?
Peter: No, it’s Bobby’s.
Alice: Well, tell him it won’t be if he doesn’t keep it out of the kitchen. Take it up to him.
Peter: Yeah, sure. (They head to the stairway) Greg, you take it.
(He throws it to him.)
Greg (throwing it back): Alice asked you to do it.
Peter: You do it. You’re older.
(He threw it to him again but Greg didn’t catch it. It went throught he window to the den and they heard a cracking sound.)
Peter: Oh, no, something broke.
Greg: I think we better go take a look.
(We see a glimpse of the den and the frisbee hit a lamp.)
Peter: Oh no, the antique lamp.
Greg: Mom’s gonna kill us.
Alice: Personally I don’t think you’re gonna get off that easy.
(The scene fades away.)
(The next scene has the guys picking the lamp up to try to fix it. Alice closes the shutters on the windows.)
Greg: Let’s get this on the table. (He puts Bobby’s frisbee down) I hope we’ll be able to fix it before Mom gets home.
Peter: I got some model airplane glue. It dries real fast.
Greg: Good deal. (He turns to Alice) Alice, not a word of this to anyone.
Alice: Fellas, I’m no squealer.
Peter: It’s real important.
Alice: My mouth is shut.
Alice: I better shut my eyes too.
Peter: What for?
Alice (slowly): Because if that lamp doesn’t pass inspection, I don’t want to see what your Mom’s gonna do to you.
(The next scene has the guys gluing the lamp together in their room.)
Greg: That does it. What do you think?
Peter: Great. Nobody will know it was broken.
Greg: Good. (There is a knock on the door) Who is it?
Bobby: It’s me, who do you think it is?
Peter: You think we can trust Bobby?
Greg: No way. He wouldn’t squeal, he’s too young though, he might let it slip. Let’s get this in the closet.
(Bobby continues to knock.)
Bobby: Hey, what’s with you guys? Let me in.
Greg: In a minute, Bobby. (He puts the lamp away and turns to Peter) Pretend like you’re studying.
(He and Peter grab their books and Peter gets up to his bed. Greg opens the door to let Bobby in.)
Bobby: What did you have the door locked for?
Peter: We’re studying.
Bobby: Since when are you guys so crazy about homework?
Greg: We just didn’t want to be disturbed, that’s all.
Bobby: Well, I just wanted to get my football.
(He heads to the closet but Greg quickly gets up.)
Greg: I’ll get it.
Greg: Why not, I’m your brother. If you want your football, I’ll get it for you. (He takes it and gives it to Bobby) Go get ’em, Tiger. Sock it to them.
Bobby: But I need my helmet, too.
Peter: How would you like to use my helmet.
Bobby: Yours, you never lend me yours.
Peter: I will now. (He reaches in the closet for it and puts it on his head) Good luck in the game. You can adjust the straps. Have a great game, kid.
(Bobby leaves and Peter slaps his butt. Cut to outside, where Carol is coming home in her station wagon. Back upstairs, Peter and Greg are bringing the lamp back to the den. Back outside, Carol gets out of the car and heads into the house with a couple of boxes in her hand. She enters the kitchen.)
Carol: Hi, Alice.
Alice: Hi, Mrs. Brady.
Carol (exhausted): Oh, boy, were the stores crowded today. Anything new happen around here?
Carol: That was a pretty fast nope.
Carol: Okay. (She sees what Alice is cooking) Mmmm.
(She walks through the kitchen and puts the boxes down. She goes into the den while Alice looks on worriedly. Carol notices the glue on the lamp. She picks it up and finds that it was broken.)
Carol: Oh, no, no, Alice! Alice!
Alice (appearing at the door): Yes, Mrs. Brady.
Carol: Alice, did you come in here today?
Carol: You’re sure.
Carol: You’re beginning to sound like Gary Cooper again. Look!
(She points at the break in the lamp.)
Alice: Oh, my. How in the world do you suppose that happened?
Carol: that is what I’m trying to find out. Now, Alice, who was in here today?
Alice: Who? Well, it could be almost anybody. Hard to say.
Carol: Now look, Alice, this is very important. Please, now you always told me the truth before, haven’t you?
Alice: Oh yes, ma’am, I’ve always told you the truth. The truth was something I have always told you. I’ve always told you the truth.
Carol: Now, look, Alice, I want to know how this happened, what happened, who did it, and why.
Alice: Is that a direct question? (Carol points at her) Yep, that is a direct question.
(Next, Greg and Peter are up in their room with Bobby. They are angry at Alice for telling Carol.)
Greg: Alice is some friend.
Peter: Yeah, she said she’d keep her mouth shut. She sure opened it in a hurry.
Bobby: Maybe it wasn’t Alice’s fault.
Greg: Nobody else knew we broke the lamp.
Peter: Good old Alice, she costed me a week’s allowance.
Greg: What about me, my allowance is bigger.
(Alice knocks the door and comes in.)
Alice: Guys, I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I didn’t want to say anything.
Peter 9sarcastically): Sure.
Alice: There was no way out of it. Now, I could lie to your mother.
Greg: Couldn’t you have just said nothing.
Alice: I tried. Honest I did, I really tried.
(The boys look at her in disbelief. She leaves the room.)
(We next see Carol in the family room. She notices the stereo is still playing.)
Carol: Alice, was anybody playing the record player last night?
Alice: Marcia, she must have played that new album of hers about 20 times.
(Next, we see Marcia in her room complaining to her sisters.)
Marcia: Wouldn’t you call that squealing? (Pause) All Alice had to do was turn off the record player.
Jan: Maybe she didn’t know the record player was on.
Cindy: Yeah, maybe she didn’t.
Marcia: Alice knows everything that goes on around here. Now I can’t use the stereo for a whole week. I never thought that Alice would turn into a squealer.
(Alice comes in the room.)
Alice: Hey, girls, I finally got it worked out. We’re gonna have the pillow cases match the sheets.
Marcia (sarcastically): Grand.
Alice: Ever since I washed the yellow cases with the blue sheets, I never had anything caught up. (She notices Jan reading) Jan. aren’t you supposed to be wearing your glasses while you’re reading?
Jan: It’s too much trouble.
Alice: Your folks said when you read, you wear them, remember?
Marcia: You better put them on or she’ll squeal on you too.
Alice (surprised): Squeal? Oh, you mean Peter and Greg.
Marcia: I mean me. You told Mom that I left the record player on all night.
Alice: I told what?
Marcia: You know what. Now I can’t use the stereo for a whole week.
Alice: Honey, I had no idea when she asked me who’d been using it and why she wanted to know.
Marcia: Sure you didn’t.
Alice: Honest, she just asked me a question and I answered it. (Marcia refuses to believe her) I’m sorry. (Jan and Cindy look at her with disbelief) No matter what I say nowadays, it turns out to be something I shouldn’t have said.
(She leaves the room. Next, she is in the kitchen and Bobby and Cindy come in, wearing robes.)
Bobby: We’re ready to go, Alice.
Cindy: The new people on the corner invited us over to swim.
Alice: Good. Find out if they have a housekeeper, maybe she’ll invite me over. Bobby, are you wearing your new trunks or those old ones with all the holes. (She opens the robes and sees that he’s naked underneath) Ahh, you’re not wearing your bathing suit, you’re wearing your birthday suit.
Bobby (protesting): They swim without clothes over there.
(She opens Cindy’s robe and the same thing.)
Cindy: We can’t wear any if they don’t wear any.
Alice: Who moved in down there, Adam and Eve?
Cindy: No, theyre the Bellfields.
Bobby: Their father’s a doctor.
Alice: He can’t have much of a practice if they can’t afford bathing suits. Now upstairs and suit up.
Bobby: Dr. Bellfields said the sun has lots of vitamins.
Alice: So does orange juice but you don’t go swimming in it. Come on, upstairs.
Cindy: Why can’t we go like this?
Alice: You are not gonna swim in an X-rated swimming pool without your parents’ permission.
Bobby: But Alice.
Alice: No buts. Out, out, out, out.
(The next day, Alice is folding clothes in the kitchen and Jan and Peter come in from school.)
Alice: Hi kids, how was school today?
Alice: You both had tests, didn’t you?
(Marcia and Jan followed them in.)
Alice: Hey, I got some beautiful peaches today, you you want some?
Greg: No, thank you.
(They walk away and Alice fees ignored.)
(Cut to the backyard, where Bobby and Cindy are fixing something in the garage. Alice is outside hanging up wash.)
Cindy: Can you fix it?
Bobby: Sure, it will be easy. (He tries but with no success) Here, it’s harder than I thought.
Cindy : Maybe Alice can fix it.
Bobby: We don’t want Alice doing us any favors.
Cindy: Yeah, you’re right. Greg and Peter said we can’t trust her anymore.
Bobby: Marcia and Jan said to the same thing.
Cindy: I guess Alice isn’t our friend anymore.
Bobby: Yeah, remember how we all used to like her?
(Unbeknownst to them, Alice is outside the garage watching them on the verge of tears, as the scene fades.)
(The next scene has Alice visiting her friend Kay. She tearfully speaks to her about her misunderstandings with the kids.)
Alice: Oh, I just don’t understand it, Kay. I don’t know how it happened between the kids and me.
Kay: Don’t start crying again, Alice. The coffee is weak enough already.
(She gives Alice a tissue to wipe her eyes.)
Alice: I feel so awful.
Kay: Look, Alice, it’s not the end of the world.
Alice: We used to have such fun together. My last birthday, the boys, they made up this big card, like a diploma. They made me an honorary brother. And the girls made my birthday cake, it was just terrible. It was all dry, lumps of flower and the whipped cream was sour and the icing was runny and, (she starts to cry) I just loved it. (she bursts into tears) I had three pieces.
(Kay hands her some more tissues.)
Kay: Can’t you talk to Mr. and Mrs. Brady about this?
Alice: That, that’ll just make it worse for the kids. I mean, they’d resent me even more. Besides, I can’t make them order the kids to like me.
Kay: Alice, you made the worst mistake a housekeeper can make. That is getting too emotionally involved with the family. And I speak from experience. When I’m working, I just do my work. Getting too attached can break your heart.
Alice: That’s why I gotta leave right away. the sooner, the better. You gotta help me, Kay, I mean, as long as you’re not working right now, you can fill in for me until the Bradys find a regular housekeeper.
Kay: What excuse are you gonna give them for leaving?
Alice (crying): I don’t know. I’ll think of something.
Katy (handing her another tissue): Alice, are you sure this is what you want?
Alice: No, this isn’t what I want. But it’s what’s best and the sooner I leave the better.
(Alice cries a little harder and we cut to the next day when she tells Carol she’s resigning.)
Carol (shocked): Leaving? (Pause) Alice, I don’t know what to say.
Alice: Well, my Uncle Winston called me last night and I wanted to tell you right there and then I just couldn’t.
Carol: Alice, yeah I could tell you were upset about something.
Alice: You see, my Uncle Winston has this very nice dress shop but two days ago the woman who runs it for him just up and eloped. I’d be taking over for her.
(There is a long pause between her and Alice.)
Carol: Oh, that really sounds like a very good job, Alice.
Alice: I could earn quite a bit of money and then eventually I’d be partner. It’s really a terrific opportunity.
Carol: Well, you know we’d never stand in your way.
Alice: Of course, it’s not just the money, it’s family. My uncle Winston, you know.
Carol: Ooh, Alice, of course I know. You’re like a member of our family. We all love you very much.
Alice: I love all of you too. I promised I’d leave right away.
Carol (shocked): But Alice, what am I gonna tell the children? They’ll be heartbroken. Couldn’t you stay until they come home from school and say good-bye?
Alice: I’ll write them a letter and give them a call. I really better get packed if I’m not gonna miss that plane.
(She starts to walk away.)
Carol: Alice, could I give you a hand?
(Alice leaves the room and Carol looks confused and upset. Cut to later on, when Kay is there taking over for Alice. Greg and Marcia come in from school.)
Greg (to Marcia): Well, you should’ve seen the look on Lester’s face when he found his sneakers filled with the shaving cream.
Marcia: Hi. (She turns around and realizes the switch) You’re not Alice.
Kay: No, I’m not, I’m Kay.
Marcia: Where’s Alice?
Kay: Gone, and you are…
Marcia: Marcia. What do you mean gone?
Kay: Left. Packed up. Went. And you are…
Greg: Greg. Where?
Kay: Back home.
Marcia: For good?
Kay: Seems so.
Marcia: Alice took off like that? I can’t believe it.
Kay: You can believe it.
(There is a long pause.)
(Later on, the boys are in their room discussing the situation.)
Bobby: Gee, I never thought Alice would leave.
Peter: We were just ignoring her for squealing on us.
Greg: She didn’t even say goodbye.
Peter: She could’ve at least left a note.
Bobby: I guess she doesn’t like us anymore.
Greg: Well, if that’s the way she feels about it, it’s okay with me. Maybe she’s doing us a big favor by leaving.
Peter: You said it.
(Cut to the girls’ room, where they are talking about the same thing.)
Marcia: Let’s look on the brightside, at least we won’t have to worry about being snitched on anymore.
Jan: Right. No more reports from Alice to Mom and Dad.
Cindy: I bet Kay’s not a snitcher like Alice.
Marcia: Maybe we’ll like her even better.
Jan: We probably will.
(Next, Kay is setting the table and Bobby and Cindy come up to her.)
Bobby: Hey Kay, I bet you can’t work this puzzle.
Kay: Sorry, I don’t have time for puzzles.
(She walks away.)
Bobby (to Cindy): Alice used to bet with us all the time. Remember? She could never work the puzzles?
Cindy: Sure she could.
Bobby: She could not.
Cindy: She could too. (He punches his arm) She just wanted to make you feel good.
(Greg and Peter are outside playing basketball. Kay comes outside to hang up some wash?)
Greg: Hi, Kay. Hey, Kay, how about you and Peter against me 2 on 1?
Kay: Sorry, a housekeeper doesn’t play basketball, she keeps house.
Peter: But Alice used to play with us?
Greg (laughing): Yeah, in fact she used to crack me up the way she shot the ball. Watch this, Kay. She’d spread her legs real wide, right. (He demonstrates Alice’s play) Line it up. (he takes a shot the way Alice did it, and he and Peter laugh.)
Kay: That was Alice, I’m Kay.
(She walks away indifferent. Cut to the girls’ room, where Marcia and Jan are enjoying a new record they got. Kay is in there putting stuff in their drawers.)
Jan: I got this one from Loretta, it’s really cute.
(She plays the record.)
Marcia; Hey wow, that’s really neat. Listen to that, Kay. Isn’t that great for dancing? Alice used to make up the craziest steps.
Jan: Oh, yeah, remember the one she called the mugwalk?
Marcia (laughing): Oh, that was so good.
(Jan gets up and demonstarates. She and Marcia laugh.)
Kay: It looks pretty silly to me.
(That evening, Carol is watching television and knitting in the family room. Kay comes in with a cup of coffee.)
Kay: Mrs. Brady.
Carol: Oh, thank you, Kay.
Kay: If you don’t need me for anything, I’d like to get on home.
Carol: Alright, unless you want to stay and watch a little television with me. Alice used to do that every once in a while.
Kay: No thank you, Mrs. Brady.
Carol (laughing): I always ended up watching her programs.
Kay: I have my own TV set at home. So if you’ll just excuse me, I’ll go get my things.
Carol: Oh, okay, good night, Kay.
Kay: Good night.
(She exits. Greg and Marcia come in the family room.)
Carol: Hi kids, would you like to watch some TV with me?
Greg: Uh, no, Mom. We’d, uh, kind of like to talk to you.
(Marcia turns off the television.)
Carol: Sure, what’s up?
Marcia: We wanted to talk to you about Alice?
Carol: Alice? What about her.
Greg: Well, we think we know why she left and took the other job.
(Carol gives themn a stunned look.)
Marcia: It was our fault. All of us weren’t being very nice to her.
Greg: We sort of been giving her the cold shoulder treatment.
Carol: Cold shoulder?
Marcia: Well, we figured she wasn’t our friend anymore.
Carol: Why on earth would you think a thing like that?
Greg: Because she was squealing on us.
Carol (angry): Squealing on you?
Greg: Like with Pete and me breaking the lamp.
Marcia: And with me leaving the record player on.
Carol (sternly): For your information, young man, Alice didn’t squeal on you. I asked her to tell me what happened and I told her I wanted to know the truth. (Pause) And as for you (Marcia), she had absolutely no idea why I asked her about the record player, absolutely not.
Marcia: She said that, and I didn’t believe her.
Greg: We never wanted her to leave.
Carol: Can you blame her?
Marcia: We’re sorry, Mom. We all want her back.
Carol: I’m afraid sorry won’t help. Sometimes when you push people too far, you just can’t bring them back again.
Greg: Come on, Marcia.
(They leave and Carol looks annoyed. They run into Kay in the kitchen.)
Marcia: Hi. I guess you heard.
Kay: Yes, I heard.
Greg: We didn’t mean we don’t like you, Kay.
Kay: I understand.
Marcia (to Greg): We sure spread sunshine around.
(They go upstairs and Kay stands there with a bizarre look. The next scene has Peter and Jan coming home and see Kay in the family room.)
Kay: Hey kids, strangest coincidence happened to me last night. I was visiting a friend, we had coffee at this restaurant, and guess who I bumped into.
Jan (excitd): Alice?
Peter: Here in town.
Jan (emotionally): Where?
Peter: Tell us, please.
Kay: The Golden Spoon at Forrest and Oak.
Jan: Are you sure it was her?
Kay: Positive. There’s only one Alice.
Peter: You can say that again.
Jan: Thanks, Kay.
(She gives Kay a hug. Next, we see the café where Alice is employed as a waitress. We see Alice taking an order.)
Alice: Yeah, that’s 2 toasts and coffees. And one bacon, lettuce and tomato with coffee. Yeah, they will be right up.
(She walks off and the kids all walk in the door. Mr. Foster the manager, greets them.)
Foster: Six, right this way. (He shows them a table and they sit. He gives them all menus.) There we are, enjoy your food.
Marcia: Thank you.
(They see Alice walk by on the other side of the restaurant.)
Greg (to the other kids): There she is.
(Mr. Foster comes and gives them water. Alice comes over and is more than thrilled to see them.)
(The kids all say hi.)
Alice: I, I just got back to town. That other job I had didn’t work out. (She starts laughing.) This is a good job, though, good tips.
(Mr. Foster comes by.)
(He points to a customer.)
Alice: Oh yeah, be with you in a moment, folks. (to the kids) This is a very interesting job. I meet a lot of interesting people. (The kids congratulate her and tell her it’s great) Well, what are you doing around here anyway?
(They all ponder for an answer.)
Marcia: Well, we’re just passing by.
Alice (skeptical): Passing by?
Greg: Sure, on our way home from school.
(They all agree.)
Alice: That’s interesting. You all go to different schools.
Customer (to Alice): Miss, I’m in a hurry.
Alice: Oh yeah, I’ll be right there. (to the kids) Oh, how are the folks?
(The kids all say they’re great. Mr. Foster comes to her.)
Foster (sternly): Alice, the customers are waiting.
Alice: I’m taking an order, Mr. Foster.
Foster (angry): Well take it, get a move on.
Greg: Oh, well, I guess we should order something.
Customer: Miss, do you mind?
Alice: One minute.
Peter: I guess I’ll have a glass of milk and a chocolate donut.
Alice (writing down): Milk, and a plain donut.
Alice: Chocolate makes you break out.
(Mr. Foster comes up to her again, angry.)
(He points to the other customer.)
Alice: Very nervous man. Bobby, will you stop drinking everybody else’s water? You won’t have any room for your food. Okay, who’s next?
Marcia: Oh, me. I’ll have a caramel fudge sundae.
Alice: One fruit cup. Too much caramel sundae makes too much Marcia.
Cindy: then I’ll have a caramel fudge sundae.
Alice: Good. Two fruit cups.
Jan (looking at the nenu): I don’t know what I want.
Alice: Well, don’t squint, Jan. Put your glasses on.
Jan: Thanks, Alice.
Greg: Alice, we’ve missed you.
Jan: We’re sorry for what we did.
Marcia: We didn’t mean to treat you that way.
Cindy: We love you, Alice.
Peter: We know you didn’t squeal on us.
Bobby: Honest, Alice.
(Alice grabs a chair and sits with them.)
Alice: You mean you really missed me? (They all agree and she grabs some tissues to dry her eyes) Every time I go by a telephone, I wanna phone you guys. The other day I took a taxi just to look at the house. You got no idea how much I missed you.
(Mr. Foster goes up to her. This time he is furious.)
Alice: Oh, Mr. Foster, these are the Bradys.
Foster: Marvelous, and these are the customers! They’d like a word with you if you don’t mind.
Alice: You’ve got no idea how much I’ve missed these kids.
foster: Perhaps I can arrange for you to spend more time with them. All day, if you get the point.
Alice: Right, right. (She gets up) Oh, thank you, Mr. Foster. (She hands him the belt to her uniform) Thank you so much. Come on kids, let’s go home.
(They all get up to go home.)
Foster: Wait a minute, where do you think you’re going?
Alice: I got my old job back, Mr. Foster, and I’m never gonna leave it again.
(The kids cheer her on and they all leave as the scene fades away.)
(The final scene has Alice and Carol in the kitchen. They are talking and enjoying coffee.)
Carol: Oh, Alice, I can’t tell you how good it is to have you back.
Alice: I keep pinching myself to be sure I really am.
Carol: I never believed that story you told about your uncle Winston.
Alice: I may not be the greatest housekeeper in the world, but I’m a pretty good liar. (Carol laughs) By the way, did Kay work out all right?
Carol: Oh, Alice, she was fabulous. The house was always spotless. She realigned the kitchen covers. She ironed the clothes without a wrinkle. She vacuumed the drapes. Alice, wait till you hear this, she even dusted the garage. (She lauhs) You want to know something, Alice?
Carol: It was one of the worst weeks we have ever had. (Alice laughs) Don’t ever do that again.
(She gives her a hug.)