Law and Disorder
Written by Elroy Schwartz
Bobby becomes a hall monitor at school and lets it go to his head. I hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
STEVE, a kid in Bobby’s class
A girl Bobby talks to
A boy Bobby talks to
JILL, a girl in Bobby’s class
(The episode begins at Bobby’s school. It is the end of the school day and he goes over to some classmates.)
Bobby: Hey, Steve. (Steve and the other guys walk away) Listen you guys, I…
(He sees a couple of other classmates.)
Bobby: Hi. (They walk away from him as well) Come on, you guys, it isn’t my fault.
(He sees a couple of girls in his class walking down the stairs.)
Bobby: Hi, I’ll walk home with you.
(They also shun him. Cindy comes down the stairs.)
Bobby: Hi, Cindy.
(She notices how glum he is.)
Cindy: What’s wrong?
Bobby: What’s wrong, everything’s wrong.
Cindy; what do you mean?
Bobby: My whole class hates me.
(He walks home and Cindy follows. The scene fades.)
(The next scene has Greg pumping gas into a bike. Mike comes home.)
NOTE: Barry Williams (Greg) was high on marijuana as he was unexpectedly called in to shoot this scene.
(Greg notices a boat Mike has on top of the car. He waves to Mike and Carol comes out, noticing the boat as well.)
Greg: Hi, Dad.
Greg: Uh, you didn’t say anything about getting a boat.
Mike: Well, I didn’t know I was going to.
Carol: Hey, honey, where did you get that?
Mike: I delivered my plans of the Marina edition to Joe Houston. Well, he was about to commit this thing to the junkyard. I thought, you know, with a little work, we can fix it up.
Greg: Far out.
Carol: It doesn’t look very sea worthy.
Carol: As a matter of fact, it doesn’t look very bathtub worthy.
(Cindy comes home and notices the boat.)
Cindy: Wow, a boat. (She comes running up) Is it ours?
Carol: I’m afraid so, sweetie.
Cindy; When do we go sailing?
Mike: As soon as we’re sure we’re not gonna go sinking.
(Bobby comes home.)
Greg: Hey, look what we got, Bobby.
(Bobby walks by with no enthusiasm.)
Mike: Where are you going?
Bobby: Up to my room.
Mike: Gee, that’s not like Bobby.
Mike: I thought he’d be more excited than anyone.
Cindy: I think Bobby has a problem.
Carol: A problem? Did something happen at school today.
Cindy: It must have.
Cindy: Bobby said his whole class hates him.
(Cut to upstairs, where Bobby looks himself in the mirror.)
Bobby: I hate you too.
(He sticks his tongue out at his reflection. He sits down and begins to sulk. Mike and Carol come in.)
Carol: Mind if we come in?
(They enter the room and sit down.)
Carol: My goodness, Bobby, you look like the world has come to an end.
Bobby: That would be good.
Mike: Bad as all that?
(Bobby nods. Carol taps him.)
Carol: Want to talk about it?
Bobby: There’s nothing you can do. There’s nothing anybody can do.
Mike: Well, let’s see. Come on, you tell us about it.
(He takes an armband out of his book, with SM written on it.)
Bobby: Don’t you know what it is?
Carol: Sure, it’s an armband. School safety monitor.
Bobby: Safety monitor? SM should stand for snitch monitor.
Mike: Well, what’s that supposed to mean?
Bobby: It means I have to fink on all my friends.
Carol: That’s not finking, Bobby. If the kids at school break a rule, it’s the safety monitor’s job to report them.
Bobby: Some job. When the teacher asked for a volunteer, not one kid in the class raised his hand. Not one kid. So she made me the safety, the class cop.
Mike: Did you ever stop to think that she might have picked you out because she thought you were responsible enough to do a good job?
Bobby: What do you mean?
Mike: Well, take police for instance. You know, it isn’t part of their job to like arresting people. They share a responsibility to enforce the rules.
Carol: And rules are very important, Bobby. They’re made to protect people.
Bobby: I never thought of it that way.
Carol: And you’ll be a great safety monitor, Bobby, if you try.
Bobby: You think so.
Mike: Why, we bet on it.
(Cut to that evening, when Carol comes in the boys’ room to make sure they are asleep. She notices Bobby in bed with a flashlight, while under the covers.)
Carol: What are you doing?
Bobby: Studying the rules. If I’m gonna be a safety monitor, I’m gonna be the best one the school ever had.
Carol: Well, it’s past your bedtime, so just a few more minutes, okay?
Bobby: Okay. (Carol gets up to leave) Oh, wow!
Carol: What’s the matter?
Bobby: I didn’t know chewing gum was against the rules. I’ve been illegal all term.
(Carol puts the covers over his head and a playful push to his head. Next, Bobby is at school monitoring the hallway when he sees a kid chewing gum.)
Bobby: You’re chewing gum.
(Bobby shows him his armband.)
Bobby: Regulations 16 A say you’re not allowed to chew gum in classrooms or hallways. This is my post, no gum.
Steve: Who’s chewing gum?
(He swallows it.)
Bobby: Hey wait, you’re trying to swallow the evidence.
Steve: I just did, yeah.
Bobby: Won’t do any good.
(Steve starts to cackle.)
Bobby: I’m not a chicken. I’m just doing my job. How do you spell your name? Last name first.
(Next, we see two girls talking. One throws a piece of paper away but misses.)
Girl (to her friend): Well, she’s, you know, every time we go someplace, she always gets carsick and I have to give her this…
(Bobby approaches her.)
Bobby: What’s your name?
(He shows her his armband and points to the paper she tried to throw away.)
Bobby: You just littered.
Girl: I tried to get it in the waste can.
Bobby: That’s what they all say. Name please, last name first.
(Next, Bobby sees a few guys horsing around in the hallway.)
Bobby: Okay, everybody hold it. Right there, hold it. (They stop) There is to be no disorderly conduct in the halls. Especially at my post.
Boy: We were only trying to help him carry his books.
Bobby: That’s your story.
Boy: I know, last name first.
(Cut to the backyard, where Greg, Peter, Marcia and Jan are sandpapering the boat an depressing their joy of owning a boat.)
Peter: Boy, this is what I always wanted. A boat.
Greg: Me too. Give me a boat and a moonlit night and I’m all set.
Peter: Haven’t you forgot something?
Peter: The girl.
Greg: Oh, she’s there, little brother. She’s there.
( mike comes to join them.)
Mike: Ahoy there. (The kids say hi) Okay kids, if we’re gonna go sailing, we’ll have to learn a little something about it.
Peter: With a boat his size, there really isn’t much to learn, is there?
Mike: Oh yeah, if you want to do it safely, there’s a lot more than you think. For instance, which side is port and which side is starboard.
Greg: The left side is port.
Mike: Right, yeah.
Jan: I know which side is starboard. (Mike looks at her) The right one.
Mike: yeah, right.
Jan: well, I couldn’t miss.
(They all laugh.)
Mike: Okay, when two boats meet, who has the right of way.
Peter: The biggest boat.
Mike: Oh no no, the boat on the right, just the same as the rules of the road.
Jan: Yeah, but what if they’re coming straight at each other?
Mike: Then we’re back to the biggest boat.
(Cindy comes to join them.)
Cindy: What are we doing?
Mike: Hi, Cindy, well, we’re learning a little about sailing.
Cindy: can I learn too?
Mike: Why, sure. Where’s Bobby?
Cindy: He’s still busy at school.
Greg: What’s he doing?
Cindy: He stopped seven kids from running down the stairs, and he was still trying to get their names when I left.
Mike: He’s really serious about being a long arm of the law.
(The next day at school, Bobby gets a drink from the water fountain. he catches Cindy and two of her friends running down the hall and chases them.)
Bobby: Hey wait, stop!
Cindy: It’s okay, he’s my brother. Come on.
(He starts writing her name.)
Cindy: What are you doing?
Bobby: What does it look like I’m doing? (to the other girls) I know her name, what’s yours? last name first.
Cindy: Bobby, you can’t turn me in, I’m your own sister.
Bobby: Watch it, I can also cite you for arguing with a safety monitor.
(Back at home, Alice is slicing fruit while Bobby is enjoying a snack at the table. She gives him a napkin.)
Alice: neatness counts.
Bobby: Thanks, Alice.
(Cindy comes home in an angry mood. She gets a piece of cheese from the refrigerator and gives it to Bobby.)
Bobby: What’s the cheese for?
Cindy: For you, all rats eat cheese!
(Alice goes to sit down with Bobby.)
Alice: What was that all about?
Bobby: Oh, she’s just sore because I was doing my duty. I had to turn her name in because she was running in the hall.
Alice: Oh, is that why she had to stay after school because you reported her?
Bobby: Yeah, she was running in the hall. When you break a rule, you have to get punished.
Alice: Well, I’ll keep it down to a slow walk in the kitchen.
(Later, Cindy complains to Carol.)
Cindy: He wrote down the names, even mine.
Carol: But that’s his job, sweetheart.
Cindy: Yes, but I’m his very own sister.
Carol: Well, that doesn’t give you any special privileges. Same rules apply to you that apply to everybody else.
Cindy: I don’t see why they should.
Carol: I’ll try to explain it to you this way, let’s say Bobby was a police officer, and I drove through a red light, accidentally, of course. Well, I would expect him to give me a ticket.
Cindy: Your own son?
Cindy: Boy, if I ever had a son who was a policeman, and he gave me a ticket, I’d give him a spanking.
(Bobby comes in and she walks away.)
Bobby (to Carol): I guess she was complaining about me.
Carol: You guessed right.
Bobby: And I guess you too her side.
Carol: You guessed wrong.
Bobby (surprised): You didn’t?
Carol: No, well Cindy didn’t like it but you were just doing your duty, honey.
Bobby: I’m glad you understand, Mom.
Carol: Oh, I do, I do. look, being in a position of authority isn’t easy.
Bobby: Right. Thanks, Mom. It’s kind of tough being a lawman. it’s a big responsibility.
Carol: oh, I know, officer. (She salutes him and he leaves. to herself) I wonder if he really would give me a ticket.
(The scene fades.)
(The next scene has Jan in her room reading. There is a knock on the door.)
Jan: Come in.
(Bobby comes in to see her.)
Bobby: Jan, I got to talk to you about something.
Jan: Can’t it wait? I’m awful busy.
Bobby: I just saw Alice setting the table.
Bobby: It’s your turn to set the table tonight.
Jan: What business is that of yours?
Bobby: Mom and Dad told us not to go pushing our chores on Alice.
Jan: Now, look Bobby, I….
Bobby: You’re breaking a rule. People can’t just go around breaking rules.
Jan: Bobby, you’re a safety at school, not at home.
Bobby: A rule is a rule, at school or at home. You’re gonna be on my report.
Jan: What report?
Bobby: I’m turning in a report to Mom and Dad at the end of the week.
Jan; Well, I got a very good reason for not setting the table.
Bobby: And I got a very good reason for reporting you. You broke a rule. See you later.
(He leaves and Jan sticks her tongue out at him.)
(later that night, Bobby and Peter are sleeping in their room and Greg comes in. Bobby wakes up and turns his flashlight on him, then on the clock.)
Bobby: You were supposed to be in by 11:30.
Greg: Sorry I woke you, Bobby.
Bobby: You’re 25 minutes late.
Greg: Go back to sleep.
Bobby: I have to tell Mom and Dad.
Bobby: You’re gonna be on my report at the end of the week.
Greg: What report?
Bobby: You broke a rule. You came in late.
Greg (taking hos coat off): Listen, I have a very good reason for being late.
Bobby: That’s what they all say.
(He goes back to sleep.)
Greg (to himself): How could they cram 10 feet of nerve into a 4 footed kid?
(The next scene has Greg and Marcia painting the boat. They are replacing the psychedelic style she and Jan made into one solid color.)
Marcia: You know, I thought I’d love the way Jana nd I painted the boat.
Greg: Boats are supposed to be one color, you wanna scare the fish to death?
Marcia: okay, so we goofed.
Greg: Listen, you’re lucky you’re not on Bobby’s report.
Marcia: yeah, do you believe that report?
Greg: I have to, I’m on it.
Marcia: So Am I. (she hisses) Little stinker.
Greg: What are you on it for?
Marcia: Well, I’m not supposed to borrow any of Mom’s things unless I ask, and Bobby saw me borrowing a bracelet. You know, I think being a school safety’s gone right to his fat little head.
Greg: I’d like to give him a good kick right in his fat little, other end.
(Marcia laughs. Alice is in the kitchen figuring out how to cook something when Bobby comes in.)
Bobby: Alice, I just went by the trash can. You got some spray bottles and cans in with the other things.
Bobby: They’re supposed to be kept separate. Sorry, but I’m gonna hafta put you on my report.
(He walks away.)
(She puts her hand on the blender, which has orange juice perking and it fizzles and spills.)
(The next day, Mike, Carol, Peter, Jan and Cindy are around the boat, where Mike puts S.S. Brady on it. They all applaud.)
Jan: S.S. Brady, boy,. does that look neat.
Mike: Mmm hmm.
Cindy: Who’s gonna be the captain.
Carol: Your father, of course.
Cindy (disappointed): What am I gonna be?
Peter: Probably seasick.
Jan: Hey, when can we go sailing, Dad?
Mike: Well, if we get the sail back that I ordered today, we ought to be able to put it in the water over the weekend.
(The kids get excited as Bobby comes out wearing a suit and tie.)
Bobby: Hey, that’s really great, Dad.
Carol: where are you going all dressed up?
Bobby: All us safeties have to go to school and get our picture taken.
(The other kids look on angrily.)
Carol: Well, just be careful and don’t get your good clothes dirty, all right.
Bobby: Don’t worry, I won’t. See you later.
Carol: Okay, honey, bye.
Jan: Dad, does he have to come with us when we launch the boat?
Carol: Now, that’s a silly question, of course he does.
Jan: Well, if he’s gonna go, I don’t really think I want to.
Peter: That goes double for me.
Cindy: Make that triple.
(They all start walking away.)
Mike: Hey, wait a minute, come back here. What is this? We haven’t launched the boat yet, we got a few days.
Carol: What’s going on here?
(They all protest at the same time about Bobby and his report. Cut to Bobby’s school where he and the other monitors leave after the picture and they all say in unison they’ll sea each other later. Bobby is walking home when Jill, a girl in his class, approaches him.)
Jill: Oh, Bobby, Bobby, oh, I’m glad to see you.
Bobby: Hi, Jill.
Jill: You got to help me, my cat’s stuck.
Bobby: Your cat?
Jill: Around the corner, she’s stuck in that old house they’re gonna tear down. I can’t get in, it’s all boarded up.
Bobby: Well, we can’t go in that old house. There’s a sign right out in the front that says no trespassing.
Jill (hysterical): Please, you got to get Pandora out for me!
Bobby: Gee, Jill, I’d like to help, but, it says keep out. A rule is a rule.
Jill (crying): What if Pandora’s hurt? you gotta help me! Please, you got to get Pandora out for me!
Bobby: Well, I know I’m not supposed to do this.
(She grabs Bobby’s arm and they go to the condemned building. Bobby pries a window open and leaps in and looks for Pandora.)
Bobby: Here, Pandora, come here, Pandora. (He hears the cat meowing from the chimney) Pandora, are you up there?
(The cat jumps down from the chimney. It spills plenty of dust on Bobby and his clothes, then jumps out the window.)
Jill: Thanks, Bobby.
(Bobby waves good-bye to her and she and the cat happily go home. Bobby notices his soiled clothes.)
Bobby: Mom and dad are gonna kill me.
9Bobby comes home and sheepishly calls to the parents.)
Bobby: Mom, Dad. (He notices a message on the board form Carol. it states that they’ll be home later and reminding him to do homework.)
Bobby: Wow, what lick, I still got a whole hour.
(Bobby puts his dirty clothes in the washer, while in his underwear. He then takes a whole box of detergent and pours it in with them. Then he goes upstairs and puts some clothes on. Meanwhile, the suds from the detergent are rising. Bobby is doing homework in his room while the suds are coming out from the washing machine to the floor. He checks the time and goes downstairs to check on the wash. he notices the suds have come from inside right outside the door.,)
Bobby: What! (He goes inside and finds the laundry room flooded with suds) Oh, no!
(Carol and Alice get out of the car from buying clothes.)
Alice: We went for a car sale.
Carol: here, let me help, Alice.
(She takes some stuff from Alice to carry inside.)
Carol: If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a last day, half-price, bargain sale.
Alice: Oh, me too. All that pushing, shoving and grabbing. I hope I didn’t hurt anybody.
(They come inside and notice Bobby forgot to shut the door.)
Carol: I have told those kids not to leave the door open.
(They come in the kitchen and Alice notices the suds.)
Alice (shocked): What on earth!
Carol: Oh, my goodness. Where are all those suds coming from?
Alice: Well, the washing machine must be on.
Carol: Well, Alice, did you leave it on automatic?
Alice: I wasn’t even using it today.
Carol: My goodness! (They come into the laundry room and notice the flood) Alice, the washing machine’s gone crazy!
Bobby: Mom! Mom!
Alice: Mrs. Brady, the suds are calling you.
Bobby: Yeah, it’s me!
Alice: Here he is.
Carol: What in the world happened, are you all right?
Bobby: I think so.
Carol: What were you doing?
Bobby: Washing my clothes.
Alice: You’re supposed to take your clothes off before you wash them!
(They both hug Bobby and hold him for dear life.)
Bobby: I’m sorry.
Carol and Alice: You should be.
(Next, Bobby is explaining his predicament to Mike and Carol.)
Bobby: I thought there wasn’t anybody home, I figured I could wash my good clothes and you’d never find out.
Mike: Well, what do you think? This calls for punishment, doesn’t it?
Bobby: I broke a rule, I have to get punished.
Carol: Well, not necessarily, Bobby.
Bobby: What do you mean?
Carol: Well, you did break a rule, but you saved the little girl’s cat, and that’s a good reason for breaking the rule.
Mike: Bob, we always have to have rules and laws, but we also have to use them with reason and justice.
Bobby: You mean, you’re not gonna punish me.
Mike: Not for this.
Bobby (excited): oh, wow, thanks.
(He starts to run but they stop him.)
Mike: Wait a minute, wait a minute, we’re not through yet, you know.
Bobby: What else is there?
Mike: i want to talk to you about that report you’re making up.
Bobby: What about it?
Carol: Listen, Bobby, other people have reasons for breaking rules too, you know.
Mike: Do you know why Greg was late getting home that night?
Mike: Because his date forgot her house key and her parents weren’t home. He didn’t want her waiting around the house, alone, at night.
Bobby: Gee, I guess that is a good reason for breaking the rule. But Greg never told me that.
Mike: Well, Greg says he tried to tell you that but he wouldn’t listen.
Carol: And, do you know the reason why Jan didn’t set the table that night?
Carol: She had to read a book for a test the next morning.
Mike: And, one more thing, being an authority at school doesn’t give you the same authority at home. You understand?
Bobby: Yes, sir.
Carol: From what we heard, you have become the most unwelcome young man at Clinton Avenue Elementary School.
Mike: Let alone at home.
Bobby: Well, I guess I was a little stinker, huh?
Carol: Well, i guess the name stinker fits pretty well.
Bobby: I guess I should apologize to them.
Mike: I think that would be a very good idea. Well, I hope you learned something from all this.
Bobby: Boy, I sure have. First, even if you have authority, you should listen to people. Second, you gotta use good justice and reason, like you said.
Mike: Good, anything else?
Bobby: Oh yeah, the most important thing of all.
Carol: What’s that?
Bobby: Never use a whole box of soap in the washing machine.
Carol (laughing): You can say that again.
(She messes his hair, then hugs him and the scene fades.)
(The final scene has the family about the launch the boat.)
Mike: Okay, everybody, we got to loosen the mast and tie it to the boat to the top of the car and we’re gonna put it in the water.
(Carol notices Bobby is missing.)
Carol: Hey, where’s Bobby.
Mike: I thought he was here.
(Bobby comes out wearing his pants from his suit, which were shrunk.)
Greg: where did you get those?
Jan: that’s tighter than your skin.
Bobby: Mom told me to wear something that it wouldn’t matter if they got dirty or wet.
Alice: Aren’t those his good pants?
Carol: Those were his good pants. Listen, Bobby, next time you wash something, will you check the label where it says dry clean only?
Mike: Okay, come on, everybody, we gotta take the mast on first. Everybody get in their positions. Brighten and loose the line there. Ready. 1,2,3.
(Bobby rips his pants while raising the mass.)
Bobby: Uh oh. (Mike starts to laugh) Excuse me. (He starts walking towards the house) I’ll be back in just a minute.
Cindy: What’s the matter with Bobby?
Mike: I think he’s got a split of midships.
Carol: And I’ll bet he has a draft aft.