S4 E16 Amateur Nite

Amateur Nite

Written by Sam Locke and Milton Pascal

The kids appear on a Tv show talent contest to win money to but their parents a wedding anniversary. I Hope you enjoy the script.











ALFIE, man at department store

MR. GOODBODY, manager of bank

PETE STERNE, host of talent show

(The episode begins with Jan at the department store. She is browsing around and then she goes up to Alfred Butler “Alfie”, who is the manager.

Alfie: Good afternoon, young lady, may I help you?

Jan: Yes, we were in here last week, and we ordered an anniversary gift for our parents, a silver platter.

Alfie (to himself): Silver platter. (He realizes) Oh yes, the Brady children.

Jan: And I came in the next day and ordered the engraving.

Alfie: Oh, of course. You’re Jan Brady.

Jan: Right, is it ready?

Alfie: It just came in this morning. I’ll get it for you. (He takes it out form under the counter) I’m sure you’ll find it exactly the way you wanted it.

Jan (looking at the platter): Oh, that’s beautiful. Mom and Dad, Happy Anniversary, all our love, Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy. (to Alfie) I’m glad you were able to get all our names on it.

Alfie: It wasn’t easy. One more brother or sister and we’d have to continue on the back. (She laughs) I’ll get your bill.

Jan: Oh, but we already paid for the platter. I’ve got the receipt right here.

Alfie: This bill is for the engraving. Remember, I told you there’d be an extra charge.

Jan: Oh, yes you did. (She out some change from her pocketbook) 50, 60, 85 cents.

Alfie: This bill is for $56.23.

Jan (surprised): You said the engraving was only gonna be for 85 cents.

Alfie: 85 cents a letter, don’t u remember?

Jan: I guess I wasn’t listening very well. What am I gonna do? I don’t have the money. And my parents’ anniversary is next Saturday.

Alfie: Well, that’s still a week away. Perhaps you can raise the money by then.

Jan: It took us 6 months to save up for the platter.

Alfie: I really don’t know what to do about this.

Jan: I don’t either. But until then, can you hold on to the platter for me?

Alfie: What else can I do? Unless I find another couple who has an anniversary and have 6 kids named Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy. I’m really very sorry.

Jan: Not half as sorry as I am. This whole thing is my fault.

(She leaves the store and the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Jan and Marcia discussing the issue in their bedroom.)

Marcia: Jan, how could you be so stupid? Don’t you know the difference between 85 cents a letter and 85 cents for the whole inscription?

Jan: Yeah, $56.23.

Marcia: Nobody told you to order the engraving in the first place.

Jan (bitterly): I know. I thought it would look nicer that way. I wanted to surprise everybody.

Marcia: Well, you sure did. Now we won’t have a gift for Saturday for Mom and Dad’s anniversary.

Jan: Yeah, but we still have a week to raise the money.

Marcia: How? We can’t ask Mom and Dad for a loan. Who else around here has money? Except (Pause) maybe Alice.

Jan: Sure, Alice. She’s always talking about saving up for a rainy day.

Marcia: And we’re right in the middle of the hurricane season. Come on.

(The girls go downstairs to see Alice, who is on the telephone and turning on the television.)

Alice: It’s time for your picture tooth to blow. What she doesn’t know is Albert is falling in love with this woman doctor, who has to support an invalid mother who just got evicted from her apartment. And poor Tommy, he’s got to have some money. And China, that’s Tommy’s mother’s brother in-law who won’t lend him the money for the operation. Cheapskate, what’s a measly $100. (Marcia and Jan look happy and confident) Kay, that reminds me, I had to buy an anniversary present for the Bradys and my insurance premium came due. Well, pay day isn’t for 2 weeks, I was wondering if you could lend me a few dollars till then.

Jan (to Marcia): Shoot, we need to raise the money, but we better forget about Alice.

Marcia: Yeah, let’s get out of here before she asks us for a loan.

(They both shush each other and sneak away. Cut to the den, where Mike is on the phone with his boss, Mr. Phillips.)

Mike: Couldn’t that wait until next week? I see, no, no, if it has to be that way, I understand. Yeah, thanks Mr. Philips, good-bye. (He hangs up the phone, to Carol) Honey, about that honeymoon cottage, remember the leaky roof, lumpy mattress, and the mosquitos yelling bonsai all night long?

Carol: We can’t leave on Thursday.

Mike: That’s right, I have to appear before the planning commission on that design for the courthouse.

Carol: Honey, I got a great idea.

Mike: What?

Carol: For the first time in our marriage, why don’t we have an anniversary dinner in town like we always do.

(He laughs.)

Mike: Listen, I’m hungry.

Carol: Come on, dinner’s just about ready.

(They prepare to leave the den and bobby and Cindy come in.)

Bobby: Dad, can I talk to you about something real important?

Mike: Why, sure, step into my office. I hope you don’t mind if my secretary stays around, she’s very reliable.

Cindy: It’s okay, she can listen.

Carol: Thank you.

Mike: Okay, what can we do for you?

Bobby: Well, what do you do when a person needs an awful lot of money real fast?

Mike: Well it depends on what you mean by a lot. a million dollars, a thousand dollars, 25 cents.

Cindy: Kind of in between.

Carol: Well, we could give you an advance on your allowance.

Bobby: Oh, no, we didn’t say it was for us. I mean, we know these people, who need an awful lot of money.

Cindy: Fast.

Mike: Well, people who need money usually make a loan at the bank.

Bobby: Just like that? You get a loan?

Carol: Sure, that’s why they have loan departments.

Mike: First, when you borrow money you have to pay it back, you know. In fact, you have to pay back more than you borrow because the bank adds on interest.

Cindy: Can’t you borrow interest so you can pay the interest?

Carol (laughing): I’m with her.

Bobby: Thanks, Dad, you’ve been a lot of help.

Mike: Well, anytime.

(The kids leave the den.)

Carol: I wonder what they’re up to.

Mike: Our anniversary is coming up, maybe they’re thinking of a gift.

Carol: Yeah, but such high finance, borrowing money from a bank?

Mike: Maybe they’re planning on paying off the mortgage.

(They laugh. Next. Bobby and Cindy are down at the bank. They are in the office of Mr. Goodbody, the bank manager. He is on the phone discussing a loan with a customer.)

Goodbody: Yes, and thanks for calling us in particular, Mr. Whitfield. Oh, we checked everything. Your benefits, assets, collateral. and regarding your application, we can loan you $100,000 at 8 percent.

Bobby (to Cindy): Did you hear that? $100,000. This must be a rich bank.

Cindy: And friendly too.

(She points at the sign that says the friendly bank.)

Goodbody: Good bye now. (He hangs up the phone and acknowledges the kids) I’m Mr. Goodbody, children. What can I do for you?

Cindy: We want to borrow money from your rich, friendly bank.

Bobby: Just until Saturday.

Goodbody: And then you’ll pay it back.

Bobby: No, first we have to pay the man at the department store. You see, Cindy and I and all our brothers and sisters bought a silver platter for our Mom and Dad.

Cindy: And on account of Jan being stupid, we owe the department store $56.23.

Bobby: Including tax.

Goodbody: Uh, I see.

Bobby: And that’s why we want to borrow some money.

Goodbody: When you take out a loan at the bank, somebody has to sign for it.

Cindy: You do it, Cindy. (to Mr. Goodbody) She got an A in penmanship.

Goodbody: Oh, she did. Then we also have what we call a co-signer. that’s another person who will be responsible for the loan in case the signer can’t repay it.

Bobby: That’s okay, I’ll be the co-signer.

Cindy: He’s very responsible.

Goodbody: Oh, I’m sure. And then we’ll need some collateral.

Bobby: What’s that?

Goodbody: Well, that’s something of real value, you know, like, jewelry, real estate, stocks and bonds.

Bobby: If we had all that stuff, we wouldn’t need the loan.

Goodbody: Yes. Well, I’d certainly like to help you children, but, I’m sure that, a loan isn’t possible for you because of your age. However, you’re two very charming young people and you deserve something for coming down here. (Bobby and Cindy look like they’re expecting something big. Mr. Goodbody takes out a couple of coin banks for them.) Here. Now, if you put all your cons in here, I’m sure you can save enough of them so you won’t need a loan. And I’m gonna start you off with a dime each.

(He puts a dime in each of them and they get up to leave.)

Bobby: Thanks.

Cindy: Thanks a lot.

Bobby: Mr. Goodbody, instead of $56.23, can you get us a smaller loan?

Goodbody: A smaller loan?

Bobby: Yeah, like $56.03?

(He laughs and the kids leave. Next, the kids are in the family room and Jan is trying to collect money from them.)

Jan: Greg, did you find any of the guys who owe you money?

Greg: Yeah, Harvey, he’s the one who owes me 5 bucks.

Jan: Did he pay you? (He shakes his head no) Oh, Greg. (She goes over to Marcia) Marcia, how did you do with the watch?

Marcia: No sale.

Jan: Well, what happened? I thought you said Penny was crazy about the watch.

Marcia: She was, until I told her it was $10. Then she said I was crazy.

Peter: Jan, what have you been doing?

Jan: I went down to the TV station, KBES, and signed us up for the amateur contest.

Peter: Amateur contest?

Jan: Every Saturday morning. First prize is $100.

Marcia (excited): $100?

(Bobby and Cindy get excited as well.)

Jan: But before we can get on the show, we have to audition our act.

Greg: What act?

Jan: Well, we can sing a little, and we can dance a little, and Bobby and Cindy can be cute and charming.

Cindy: I don’t want to be cute?

Bobby: I don’t want to be charming.

Jan: Not even to get that platter for Mom and Dad?

Cindy: Okay, I’ll be cute.

Bobby: I’ll be charming.

Greg (laughing): Jan, you ding-a-ling, we have about as much chance of getting on that show, winning first prize, and getting that money as we do of robbing a bank.

Bobby (excited): Hey!

Greg: Forget it.

(The phone rings and Jan answers.)

Jan: Hello. Yes, this is me. Yes, Mr. Stern, okay, yeah. Thank you, bye. (She hangs up and gets excited) We did it, we got an audition for the amateur contest!

(The kids all get excited and the scene fades.)

(The next scene has the kids rehearsing a dance in the garage. They are practicing some dance steps and Mike comes out.)

Greg: Hi, Dad.

Mike: What are you doing?

Greg (after a long pause): Jan’s having trouble with her bike and we were just helping her.

(The kids all agree. Next, Carol comes out and when they notice her, they revert to exercising. Alice comes out next and she hears the kids practicing.)

Alice: Hey you kids, what are you doing in there?

Greg (after a long pause): Cleaning the garage.

(They grab brooms and stuff.)

Alice: Cleaning the garage?

(The next scene has the kids auditioning in the studio.)

Jan (singing): I think I’ll go for a walk outside now. The summer sun’s calling my name.

All the kids: I hear you know, I just can’t stay inside all day. I got to get out and get some of those rays.

Boys: Everybody’s smiling.

Girls: Sunshine day.

Boys: Everybody’s laughing.

Girls: Sunshine day.

All: Everybody seems so happy today. it’s the sunshine day.

Cindy: I think I’ll go for a walk outside now. The summer sun knows me by name.

All: He’s calling me, I got to get out, get away, get away, get away, get away into the sunshine day.

Bobby: Don’t you dig the sunshine, now it’s all but the same, can’t you hear it calling your name?

Marcia: I think I’ll take a walk every day now, the summer sun has shown me the way.

All: To be happy now, I just can’t stay inside all day. I got to get out and get some of those rays.

Boys: Everybody’s smiling.

Girls: Sunshine day.

Boys: Everybody’s laughing.

Girls: Sunshine day.

All: Everybody seems so happy today. it’s the sunshine day.

Bobby: Don’t you dig the sunshine, now it’s all but the same, can’t you hear it calling your name?

All: I think I’ll go for a walk outside now. The summer sun’s calling my name. I hear you know, I just can’t stay inside all day. I got to get out and get some of those rays.

Boys: Everybody’s smiling.

Girls: Sunshine day.

Boys: Everybody’s laughing.

Girls: Sunshine day.

All: Everybody seems so happy today. it’s the sunshine day.

(Pete Sterne, the host of the show, approaches them.)

Sterne: Well, okay, that’s not bad, kids.

Greg: Thanks.

Sterne: And what did you say your names were again?

Greg: Oh, I’m Greg, this is Marcia, Jan, Peter, Bobby and Cindy.

Sterne: Well, don’t you have a name for the group?

Greg: Oh yeah, sure, just call us the Silver Platters.

Sterne (writing down): the Silver Platters, okay. Rehearsal is at 10 tomorrow morning. the show’s at 11.

Jan (excited): You mean we’re on the show?

Sterne: You’re on. (They all cheer) Hold it, hold it, hold it, what about costumes?

Marcia: Costumes? We didn’t have time to get any.

Bobby: Or any money.

Sterne: Oh, I’ll tell you what. We have a wardrobe department here at the studio. Why don’t you show up an hour earlier tomorrow morning and we’ll fix you up with something.

(They all agree)

Jan: Mr. Sterne? You think we have any chance of winning the $100 prize?

Sterne: Oh, sure, why not?

(They get excited and leave. Back at home, Jan is coming home from school and sees Carol in the kitchen.)

Jan: Hi.

Carol: Hi, honey.

(She is knitting something at the kitchen table.)

Jan: That’s very pretty.

Carol: Yeah, it’s the mosaic stitch, it’s really very easy.

Jan: Show me how.

(Mike comes in the kitchen.)

Mike: Hey, what a charming domestic scene. The family that knits together sits together.

Carol: Oh, that’s pretty good, except this isn’t knitting.

Mike: I couldn’t think up a rhyme for needlepoint. (The phone rings and Mike answers. It’s Alfred Bailey) Hello.

Alfie: Hello, I’d like to speak to Ms. Jan Brady, please.

Mike: Just a moment, please. (He brings the phone to Jan) Jan, a gentleman wishes to converse with you.

Jan: A gentleman?

Mike: I think it’s one of your boyfriends whose voice is changing.

Jan (answering the phone): Hello.

Alfie: Hello, Ms. Brady, this is Alfred Bailey at the department store. The silver platter salesman.

Jan: Oh, hi, Alfie.

Alfie (looking upset): Ms. Brady, you were supposed to bring in the $56.23 for the engraving today for the engraving on the platter. Have you forgotten?

Jan: How can I forget you, Alfie?

Alfie: Ms. Brady, you promised to make that payment today.

Jan: I’m sorry, Alfie, but I just can’t make it today. I promise I’ll be there tomorrow.

Alfie: With the payment?

Jan: Yes.

Alfie: We accept cash, you know.

Jan: Groovy, it’s a date. Bye.

(She hangs up.)

Carol: Who’s Alfie? A new boyfriend?

Jan: No. I’d say he’s more of an acquaintance.

Carol: Notthing special.

Jan: No, after tomorrow, I’ll probably never see him again.

Mike: You know that in advance?

Jan: I guess I’m fickle.

(The next morning, the kids sneak out but are caught by Alice.)

Alice: Where are you all going. (They scream and stop suddenly) What’s everyone doing up so early on a Saturday morning?

Greg: I’ll tell you. We’re going to a football game. (They al agree) I’m gonna play and they’re gonna watch.

(They start to leave.)

Alice: Football at this hour?

Marcia: We want to get good seats.

(They say good-bye and go out the door.)

Alice (to herself): Now why don’t I believe that?

(Later on, Alice is dusting the table in the family room and talking on the phone.)

Alice: Remember when Horace broke up with Bianca to marry Evelyn? Only she didn’t want to leave Albert while he was still in the hospital? Well, Horace just had a gallbladder attack and they had to put him in the hospital. And they’re putting him in the same room with Albert. Now wait a minute, I just remembered something. Horace had his gallbladder out episodes ago. Oh, I’ve had it with this show. I’ll call you back, Kay. Bye. (She changes the channel) Reruns and reruns I haven’t seen.

(She adjusts the volume to a higher level, then hears the noise of dogs barking. This is the show the kids are on.)

Sterne: How about that, folks. Patty’s Prancing Poodles. And they really registered on the old applause meter too. Now, for our final act this morning, we have six kids. Three boys, three girls. A match set, you might say. They call themselves the Silver Platters, and here they are.

(All the kids come out. Alice is more than surprised.)

Alice: The Silver Platters? Th, th, th, th, (She gets up) Mr. Brady!, Mrs. Brady!, come quick, the kids are on

Carol: What kids?

Alice: Yours, his, ours. Come on, quick.

Mike: I thought you said they went to a football game.

Alice: That’s what I said they said.

(They rush into the family room, where the kids perform a song called “Keep On Movin'”.)

All: Flying down the highway in my makeshift Model T.A. Woo! Yeah! Woo! It’s a beautiful morning and it’s gonna be a beautiful day the wheels are humming and the guitar’s strumming
and the radio is blasting and good sounds are coming as we’re flying down the highway in a makeshift Model T.A. We’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on dancin’ all through the night.
we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on doin’ it right we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on movin’
gonna keep on, keep on, keep on groovin’ keep on singin’ and dancin’ all through the night.

Mike: Why didn’t they tell us about this?

Carol: Where did they get those costumes?

Boys: You can hear the music coming twenty-six miles away

Girls: Woo! Yeah! Woo!

All: Smilin’ is happy and happy is here to stay shiftin’ on down, comin’ into town
wavin’ at the kids all hanging around cruisin’ down the bay in my makeshift model T.A. We’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on dancin’ all through the night we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on doin’ it right we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on movin’ gonna keep on, keep on, keep on groovin’ keep on singin’ and dancin’ all through the night keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on dancin’ all through the night we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on doin’ it right we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on movin’ gonna keep on, keep on, keep on groovin’ keep on singin’ and dancin’ all through the night.

(The song finishes and the parents and Alice applaud.)

Sterne (applauding): How about that, kids, the Silver Platters. Terrific, kids.

Greg: Thank you.

Sterne: In the event you win the 1st prize, how do you plan to divide the $100?

Jan: Well, the first $56 goes to the man at the department store.

Sterne: Well, that’s a pretty big cut for a guy who didn’t even sing.

(He laughs.)

Jan: Well, you see, we bought a silver platter for our Mom and Dad’s anniversary.

Bobby: And she thought it was 85 cents for the whole engraving, but actually it was 85 cents for each letter.

Cindy: And we can’t get the platter because we’re broke.

Sterne: Well, good luck, kids.

Kids: Thanks.

(They leave the stage.)

Sterne: The Silver Platters, folks. Well, then, let’s see how they did on the old applause meter. Just a moment here while I check the figures.

Alice: Well, they just got to win. It’d be a shame if they can’t give you your gift.

Carol: Alice, we just got our gift.

Mike: We sure have, honey.

Sterne (announcing): Well, starting with third prize, this beautiful plaque goes to the Silver Platters.

Alice (disappointed): Third prize! We were gypped. (She turns the television off) Last time I’ll ever watch that crooked channel.

(The kids come out to take the platter.)

Sterne: There you are, kids. As you can see, there’s plenty of room on there. We’ll have all your names engraved on there.

Marcia: Engraved?

Cindy: How much do you charge a letter?

Sterne (laughing): Let’s give them another big hand, shall we folks?(The audience applauds) Thank you very much.

(The kids return home and find Mike and Carol waiting for them in the living room.)

Greg: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Carol: Hi, kids.

Mike: Hi, there.

(They try to walk by them.)

Carol: Hey, wait a minute. How was the football game? Did you win?

Bobby: We came in third.

Mike: Third? That must have been some football game.

Jan: We might as well tell them. We weren’t at a football game. You see, we wanted to get you a present for your anniversary. Something really special, but, I goofed.

Mike: Something special, huh, you mean (He pulls the platter out form under the table) Something like this?

(The kids all get pleasantly surprised about the platter and question how they got it.)

Carol: Well, your friend Alfie called today about you breaking your date with him. So we kept it for you.

(The kids all got further surprised about the parents purchasing it themselves.)

Mike: We thought it was the least we can do after that fine performance you gave.

(The kids were excited they saw the show.)

Carol: And you were all just terrific.

Marcia: But we didn’t win the $100.

Bobby: Patty’s Prancing Poodles won.

Greg: We lost to a dog’s act.

Cindy: I bet we could’ve won if we did what they did.

Mike: Yeah, what was that?

Bobby: Sat up and begged the audience for applause.

(He gives a demonstration while the others laugh. the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Bobby and Cindy coming into the den to speak to Mike.)

Bobby: Dad, we just wanted to thank you for paying for our present to you and Mom.

Mike: I didn’t. You guys paid for the platter.

Cindy: Yeah, but you paid for the engraving.

Bobby: And we’re gonna pay you back.

Mike: Well, we’ll talk about it another time, okay.

Bobby: Really, Dad, we are.

Cindy: Maybe this afternoon.

Mike: How are you gonna raise $56 by this afternoon.

Cindy: We got a plan.

Bobby: Mmm hmm, you see, remember when you told us about banks and getting loans?

Mike: Yeah.

Bobby: Well, we wnet to the bank and tried it.

Mike (laughing): You tried to get a loan?

Bobby: Yeah, but we couldn’t. Because we didn’t have any collateral.

Cindy: But we do now.

Mike: What’s the collateral?

Bobby: The silver platter we gave you and Mom.

(Mike laughs and they leave the den.)


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