You’re Never Too Old
Written by Ben Gershman and Bill Freedman
Carol’s grandmother comes to visit and the kids set her up with Mike’s grandfather. I hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
GREAT GRANDMA CONNIE HUTCHINS, Carol’s grandmother
GREAT GRANDPA HANK BRADY, Mike’s grandfather
The episode begins with Alice straightening up the living room. Marcia and Jan are coming home from school. They put their books on the table but Alice stops them.)
Alice: Ah, ah, ah, messing up the house today is a no-no. Surprise visitor coming.
Alice: Your mother’s grandmother from Kentucky.
Marcia (excited): Great-Grandma Hutchins?
Jan: Oh, terrific.
(They attempt to put their books down on the table but Alice stops them.)
Alice: Your Mom and Dad went to the airport to pick her up.
Marcia: Oh, I can’t wait. It’s been years since we’ve seen her.
Jan: Wait till you meet her. You’ll love Great Grandma Hutchins.
Alice: I’m sure I will. She must be an old lady by now.
Jan: Old? Somehow I never think of her as old.
Marcia: Me either. She’s got so much go, go, go.
Alice: Well, if you haven’t seen her for years, don’t be surprised if some of her go, go, go is gone, gone, gone.
(Mrs. Hutchins walks in.)
Great Grandma: What kind of welcome is this? Where’s the brass band?
(Marcia and Jan get excited and throw their books in Alice’s arms to run over and greet her.)
Marcia and Jan: Oh, Great Grandma Hutchins.
(They give her big hugs.)
Great Grandma: Oh, you precious kitties, you look beautiful. And that’s without my specs.
(Carol and Mike follow her in.)
Mike: Oh, come on, Grandma, for God’s sakes, don’t spoil them.
(They see Alice holding the girls’ books.)
Carol: Alice, I’d like you to meet the pride of Owensboro, Kentucky. The one and only Connie Hutchins.
Great Grandma: Put it there, Alice.
(She shakes her hand.)
Alice: I’m glad to meet you, Mrs. Hutchins. I heard a lot about you.
Great Grandma: Lies, all lies, unless, of course, it was something nice.
Carol: Grandma, wouldn’t you like to freshen up a bit after your trip.
Great Grandma: Well, that’s mighty kind of you.
Mike: Well, I’m sorry we can’t have dinner with you tonight, Grandma.
Carol: Oh, yes, we really are.
Mike: Like I said, you caught us by surprise and we had that dinner date with my boss for a week.
Great Grandma: Well, don’t you worry about that, honey. It’ll just give me more time to get to know these precious children better.
(Mike and Carol smile.)
Alice (to the girls): Here, kids, take your books. I’ll show Mrs. Hutchins where she’s gonna stay.
(Alice shows her to her room and the girls go upstairs.)
Mike: What a gal. How come a woman like that never got married again?
Carol: I guess at her age, a good man is hard to find.
Mike: Listen, at any age a good man is hard to find.
Carol: Yeah, don’t I know it.
Mike: I’m gonna tell Grandma on you.
(They laugh. Marcia and Jan are still on the stairs.)
Marcia: Did you hear that?
Marcia: About a good man. I know a man who would make a wonderful husband for Grandma, and he’s not hard to find.
Marcia: Dad’s grandfather, Great Grandpa Brady.
(The scene fades.)
(The next scene has Marcia and Jan running to answer the door. It’s great Grandpa Brady.)
Marcia: Hi, Grandpa. (They give him hugs.) It’s so good to see you.
Great Grandpa: It’s always a pleasure to help out my great-granddaughters.
Marcia: Oh, Grandpa, about that term paper, I found what I needed in my civics book so, I’m sorry I bothered you.
Jan: But we’re glad you’r ehere anyway because they’re a visitor we want you to meet.
Great Grandpa: Oh.
Jan: Our great-grandmother from Kentucky.
Great Grandpa: Oh.
Jan: She’s really with it.
Marcia: And far out.
Great Grandpa (disgusted): With it? Far out? Children nowadays seem to have trouble expressing themselves with words from the English language.
Jan: That’s modern English, Grandpa.
Great Grandpa: Modern, perhaps, English, no.
(They take him into the living room and Alice comes out.)
Alice: Hi, Judge Brady.
Great Grandpa: Good afternoon, Alice.
Alice: How have you been?
Judge Brady: Oh, splendid, thank you. But as Pliny the Elder said to Seneca when they met in the forum, omne ignotum, pro magnifico.
(He laughs and so does Alice.)
Alice: Oh, that plimy really knew where his head was at.
(Outside, the boys are playing basketball with Great Grandma coaching. Bobby goes to take a shot but Greg and Peter stop him. She whistles.)
Great Grandma: Fowl! Charge it!
Bobby: I can’t help it, they’re taller than I am!
Great Grandma (coming over): Well, sonny, you have got to try to find a way to outsmart them. Now, I’m gonna show you the way Jerry West does it. You just stand over there and watch.
(Bobby goes over and join Cindy, who is watching.)
Great Grandma (to Greg and Peter): You two boys try to guard me. (She takes the ball) You boys ready? Here I come. (She starts to dribble) Watch it.
Bobby: Get ’em, Grandma. You can make it. Go on, right behind you. Go on, shoot! You can make it! Go on! (She dribbles the ball) Shoot!
(She turns around and shoots the ball into the net. They all cheer.)
Great Grandma (to Bobby): Well, honey, that’s what you call a real fakeout. You just gotta have the moves. Now come on, you try.
(He goes to play. Great Grandpa puts his glasses on and watches in disbelief.)
Great Grandpa: That’s your great grandma?
Marcia: Yep, that’s Great Grandma.
(She and Jan look at each other and make motions with pride. Next, they sit down at the patio with Alice’s help.)
Alice: You two get acquainted while I make some lemonade.
Great Grandma: Well, that’s mighty kind of you, Alice. Thank you.
Great Grandpa: Thank you. That would be very pleasant indeed.
(He sits down.)
Great Grandma: Well, I never met a real-life judge before.
Great Grandpa: Well, I’m retired at present.
Great Grandma: What happened? Did you get tired of sending them to the hokie?
(She laughs and he gets irritated.)
Great Grandpa: Madam, I like to think I dispensed justice fairly in the 40 years I sat on the bench.
Great Grandma: 40 years on the bench? (He nods) You must’ve picked up a seatful of splinters. (She laughs and pats his knee, much to his chagrin) You know, there’s something I always wondered about judges.
Great Grandpa: What would that be?
Great Grandma: Is it true that on hot days, judges don’t wear any pants under their robes?
Great Grandpa (angry): My good woman, I certainly can’t speak for all judges, but I assure you, hot or cold, I always wore my trousers.
Great Grandma: Too bad.
(Marcia and Jan come out with the lemonade.)
Marcia: Here’s your lemonade.
Great Grandma: Thank you.
Jan: You’re welcome.
Marcia: It looks like you two are really getting to know each other.
Great Grandpa: Well, these past few moments have proved most dehumanating.
Marcia: Right on.
(They correct themselves to gain Great Grandpa’s approval.)
Great Grandpa: That’s better.
(The girls go into the kitchen to see Alice.)
Cindy: Hi, Alice.
Marcia: Hi, Alice.
Marcia: Uh, Alice, how do you feel about helping two people fall in love?
Alice: I’m all for it, especially if one of those two people turns out to be me.
Cindy: We’re talking about Grandma and Grandpa.
Alice: Grandma and Grandpa?
Jan: You see, right after Mom and Dad go out, all us other kids will make excuses to leave too.
Marcia: So, you can serve Grandma and Grandpa a romantic candlelight dinner for two.
Alice: Ooh, you little devils.
Cindy: Okay, Alice.
Alice: Okay. You get them to the launching pad, and I’ll fuel them up a blast.
Marcia: Oh, great.
(Next, Grandma and Grandpa are in the living room sipping champagne.)
Great Grandpa (handing Great Grandma her drink): There you are.
Great Grandma: Thank you.
(They clink their glasses and Grandpa makes a toast.)
Great Grandpa: Well, here’s to today and all of time. Here’s to good health. Yours and mine.
Great Grandma: Right up the flagpole.
(Grandpa gets a little annoyed. Grandma takes a big sip of hers. Sher notices Grandpa sniffng at his.)
Great Grandma: Is something wrong with yours, judge?
Great Grandpa: Oh, no, I was merely enjoying the pleasant old colors.
Great Grandma: While you’re doing all that, would you mind hitting me again?
Great Grandpa: Pardon. (He realizes what she means) Oh, yes, of course. You just hold your glass and I will pour. (He pours) There you go.
Great Grandma: All the way, honey.
(He pours a couple more drops into her glass. The boys come down the stairs.)
Greg: Grandpa, Grandma.
Great Grandma: Hi.
Greg: I’m sorry but I’m gonna have to skip dinner tonight.
Great Grandpa: Oh, that’s too bad.
Greg: I got a heavy date, you know how it is.
Great Grandma: We remember how it was.
Greg: Good night.
Peter: Bobby and I have to go too. My friend Willie’s got a sprained ankle andhe’s wrapped up in bed.
Bobby: Yeah, we’re going over to cheer him up.
Great Grandpa: Well, that’s very commendable. (He motions for them to come closer) You know as Homer said, friendship is proved by adversity.
Bobby: Uh, yeah.
Great Grandpa: Bye.
(The girls come downstairs now.)
Marcia: Hey, Greg, wait up, you can drop us off. Grandma, Grandpa, sorry, we can’t stay for dinner.
Jan: Our ballet teacher is having a recital. We said we’d come.
Cindy: We promised.
Great Grandma: Good-bye, children. Have fun. (to grandpa) Well, judge, that leaves just you and me. (She clinks her glass with his) Here’s to solitary confinement.
Great Grandpa: Pardon?
Great Grandma: Come on, honey, where’s your sense of humor.
(She elbows him and he pretends to laugh. Later on, they are at the table having dinner.)
Great Grandpa: Why is it that people have to eat in the dark? I wonder.
(Alice comes out with their food.)
Alice: Is everything all right, folks?
Greta Grandma: Ooh, Alice, fine, Alice.
Great Grandpa: My compliments, Alice.
Alice: Wait till you see the dessert.
Great Grandpa: There you are, swetie.
(She gives Alice the salad dish.)
Great Grandpa: I wonder why we need that music.
Great Grandma: Ooh, I like it, turns me on. (she gets up) Makes me feel like I want to dance.
Great Grandpa: Well, not me.
Great Grandma: Oh, come on, judgie, I’ll bet you used to fox a pretty mean trot in your day. (She tries to get him up) Come on, how about a little dance. It’s good for your digestive system. Come on, get up there. That’s the way.
Great Grandpa: Madam, don’t you think this fosse has gone far enough?
Great Grandma: Fosse?
Great Grandpa: Your entire transparent scheme. Children conveniently disappearing, cozy dinner for two, romantic music and candlelight.
Great Grandma (furious): You think I planned all this?
Great Grandpa: I think it’s obvious. But your romantic fantasies are not about to come true.
(Alice comes out with dessert and recites it in French.)
Great Grandma (yelling): Romantic fantasies! Who’d want an old goat like you?
Great Grandpa: Old goat?
Great Grandma: Yes, old goat!
Great Grandpa: Madam, may I remind you that you’re an old spring chicken yourself. (She gets extremely furious) Excuse me.
Great Grandma: Oh, judge.
Great Grandpa: And it’s too late to apologize!
Great Grandma: Apologize, my foot! You forgot your hat!
Great Gtandpa: Good evening.
Great grandma: Good-bye!
(He leaves and she angrily goes to another room. The scene fades.)
(The next scene takes us to the next morning. Marcia and Greg come into the kitchen where Alice is working.)
Marcia: Hi, Alice.
Alice: Good morning.
Greg: Good morning.
(Marciua looks in the family room.)
Marcia: Hey, where’s Grandma?
Alice: About on her third lap, I guess.
Greg: Third lap?
Alice: Around the block. She came in, grabbed an orange, and jogged off. Plucking the army.
Greg (laughing): She really is something.
Marcia: Alice, did she have a nice evening with Grandpa?
Alice: Well, I think there’s a better word to describe it than nice.
Greg: Well, what happened?
Alice: Well, at dinner, one word led to another and by the time they put the words together, they were not talking.
Marcia: Oh, no.
Greg: What started it?
Alice: Well, I don’t know how it started but I do know how it ended.
Alice: She called him an old goat, then he called her an old chicken, and he split the barnyard.
Marcia: We gotta do something. We can’t let them stay angry at each other.
Greg: I told you not to meddle.
(Marcia starts to mope as Grandma comes in from her jog.)
Marcia: Hi, Grandma.
Greg: Good morning.
Great Grandma: Good morning there. (she aims an orange at Greg) Think fast. honey. (she throws the orange to him) I tell you (she goes to sit down) I come out in the morning to get my blood circulating.
Marcia: I understand you had a little argument with Grandpa last night.
Great Grandma: Marcia, I wouldn’t speak to that man again if he was the only man on earth left with the key to the wine filler.
Greg: Grandma, I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said.
Great Grandma: I know what he said, for the first time he was talking in English instead of in Latin.
Marcia: I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding.
Great Grandma: Not on my part, honey. Can you imagine him thinking I was trying to trap him? Ha, I wouldn’t take him on a silver platter with an apple in his mouth.
Great Grandma: Him calling me old. His wrinkles have got wrinkles and he’s calling me old. Ooh, I’m getting so steamed up I think I’m gonna have to take another lap.
(She grabs another orange and runs outside.)
Greg: You’ll never get anywhere with Grandma.
Marcia: Maybe I’ll have a talk with Grandpa.
Greg: Why don’t you jus tleave them alone.
Marcia: Because if I do, they’ll never get together and fall in love.
Alice: Love? Right now, you’ll be smart to settle for mutual indifference.
(Next, Marcia and Jan pay a visit to Great Grandpa.)
Marcia: Grandpa, as a judge, you always have to be fair and reasonable, don’t you.
Great Grandpa: I have always been fair and reasonable.
Marcia: Then last night, didn’t you kind of convict Grandma Hutchins on circumstancial evidence?
Great Grandpa: My dear, that opinion is open to question.
Jan: But Marcia and I are willing to swear that Grandma had nothing to do with arranging that dinner for two.
Great Grandpa: Well, Jan, if you say so, then I must accept that fact.
Marcia: Well then there’s no reason to phone her and apologize.
Great Grandpa: Never! Nomen est nomen.
Jan: What does that mean?
Great Grandpa: A name is a name. Old goat.
Marcia: That’s just a figure of speech.
Greta Grandpa: And smell. Now I know she sent you girls here to say all this, but you can tell her for me, (he makes a legal term in Latin, then uses his gavel) case thrown out of court.
(Back home, the kids are arguing about how to get the grandparents together.)
Greg: We told you to butt out.
Marcia: We were just trying to do something nice.
Greg: Marcia, if you ever want to do something nice for me, give me a warning. (to Peter) Want a chance to get out of town.
Jan: Boys are never any help.
Cindy: Yeah, Bobby’s not even here worrying. He’s out playing in the park with Grandpa.
Marcia: Hey, wait a minute, Bobby’s out playing in the park with Grandpa.
Cindy: That’s what i just said.
Marcia: Cindy, how would you like to go to the park with Grandma.
(Cut to the park. Bobby is playing with an airplane while Grandpa watches.)
Bobby: Watch this perfect landing, Grandpa.
Great Grandpa: All right.
(Cindy and great Grandma arrive at the park.)
Cindy: I love coming to the park, don’t you, grandma?
Great Grandma: Oh, I sure do, honey. I loved coming to the park ever since I was a little girl just your age, which was only a few weeks ago.
(Bobby lands his plane with Grandpa watching.)
Great Grandpa: Oh, huh, I think you need a little more rutte rthere.
(He sits down and Great Grandpa readjusts the plane. Cindy sees them.)
Cindy: Hey, look, there’s Grandpa.
(She half drags Great Grandma to Great Grandma and Bobby.)
Great Grandma: Ooh, careful sweetheart, I don’t have my running shoes on.
Cindy: Bobby, what a pleasant surprise.
Bobby: What’s the surprise? I always come here.
Cindy: There’s something on the other side of the park you’ve got to see.
Bobby: What is it?
Cindy: It’s a squirrel.
Bobby: I see millions of squirrels.
Cindy: This one collects nuts.
Bobby: They all collect nuts.
Cindy (to the grandparents): We’ll be right back.
(She grabs him by the arm and lures him away.)
Great Grandpa (to Great Grandma): You may sit down, madam, it’s all yours. (She starts to laugh) What inquires do you find so amusing?
Great Grandma: You got that silly hat perched on your head just like you did last night when you marched out of that room with smoke coming out of your ears.
Great Grandpa: I believe I left with my customary dignity. (He turns to leave then he stops) Oh, by the way, (he takes off his hat) I believe i owe you an apology. I jumped to a conclusion last night which I understand was not true.
Great Grandma: Well, I guess I owe you an apology too. But when I get hot under the collar, my mouth just flies in all directions.
Great Grandpa: Well, perhaps we were both at fault. (He puts his hat back on and starts to walk) Good day, Mrs. Hutchins.
Great Grandma: Oh, what’s your hurry, judge? (He stops) Why don’t you just park it here on the bench and give it another trial.
(They both go to sit down. He takes his hat off again.)
Great Grandpa: Well, perhaps just for a moment.
(Bobby and Cindy witness this.)
Cindy: It’s working.
Great Grandpa: Oh, by the way, Mrs. Hutchins.
Great Grandma: Oh, make that Connie, would you, Hank?
Great Grandpa: Hank?
Great Grandma: hank.
Great Grandpa: Hank? (He starts to laugh) Nobody has called me Hank since the first day i was admitted to the bar.
Great Grandma: Well, maybe it’s time they started.
Great Grandpa: Maybe you’re right. Oh, Mrs. Hutchins. (She corrects him again) Connie, about that question you asked me yesterday.
Connie: What question was that?
Great Grandpa; That question about whether judges wear trousers underneath their robes. Confidentially, once I got up so late, I had to wear my pajamas all day long.
(They both laugh.)
Great Grandma: I bet they thought you were night court.
(She accidentally crushes his hat during her laughter.)
Connie: Oh, I am so sorry. let me fix it.
Great Grandpa: Oh, that’s, that’s all right. Thank you. If you would still like to see the sites of our fair city, I’d be pleased to show you around.
Great Grandma: That’s mighty kind of you, Hank. I would love to.
Great Grandpa: Well, perhaps we could start with a drive to the beach this afternoon, then this evening, there is a string ensemble playing Mozart.
Great Grandpa: A string?
Great Grandpa: Well, there is also a groovy concert at some establishment called the Rock Bottom.
Great Grandma: Well, that’s more like it, Hank, you’re finally getting it all together.
(Carol and Mike are sleeping when they are awakened by a thud.)
Carol: Mike, wake up.
(She turns on the light.)
Mike: What’s the matter?
Carol: I heard a strange noise.
Mike: Oh, honey, why is it you always hear strange noise sin the middle of the night instead of during broad daylight when I’m awake?
Carol: Well, maybe I imagined it.
(She is about to turn the light back out when they hear it again.)
Mike: I just imagined it too. Better go take a look.
Carol: You’re not going down there alone. I’m going with you.
Mike: Listen if you want to, you can go first.
(They get out of bed and put their robes on.)
Carol: Mike, I know I heard something.
Mike: I heard it too. Why do you think i got up in the middle of the night?
(When they get to the staircase, they see Great Grandma packed up and about to leave.)
Carol: Honey, grandma’s leaving.
Mike: Suppose she had another fight with Grandpa.
Carol: Gee, I don’t know. (They turn the hall light on, just as Great Grandma is about to walk out the door) Going somewhere, Grandma?
Great Grandma: Sorry, kiddies, didn’t mean to wake you up.
Mike: Is it because of the judge?
Great Grandma: Yep, it sure is.
Carol: Was it something he said?
Great Grandma: Yep, that’s it, exactly.
Mike: What did he say?
Great Grandma: He said let’s get hitched.
Carol (happy): Married?
Great Grandma: Yeah, we’re eloping to Las Vegas.
(Great Grandpa comes in.)
Great Grandpa: And don’t you try to stop us.
Mike: Stop you? We couldn’t be happier.
Carol: But we’d love to give you a wedding with all the trimmings. Can’t you wait?
Great Grandma: Oh, honey, we haven’t got time. At our age every minute counts. Right, Hank?
Greta Grandpa: But there is one thing you can do for us. I prefer you keep this quiet. I’d get a good deal of riddings from my sons at the chess club.
Mike: Our lips are sealed.
Carol: We won’t say a word.
Alice: Neither will I.
Kids: Neither will we.
Great Grandma: Good bye, kiddies, thanks for everything. Come on, Hank.
Great Grandpa: Yes, my dear.
(The scene fades.)
(The final scene has Marcia helping Jan with her homework in the family room.)
Marcia: No, that’s wrong. You use the associative property instead of the commutative property.
Jan: Oh, sure.
Alice (coming in): Kids, kids, We got a postcard form your Great Grandma and Grandpa.
Marcia: Oh, wow, what does it say, Alice.
Alice (reading): Let’s see. Hi, everybody, Here we are in Las Vegas, Mr. and Mrs. Hank Brady. We had a problem with the Justice of the Peace when he refused to marry us without the consent of our parents. (They laugh) At the wedding, at the wedding dinner, we had caviar and champagne. That is, he had champagne. The waiter refused to serve me without an ID card. (They all laugh) I have to say good-bye now because Hank and I have a date to go water skiing.
Jan: Water skiing? I can’t believe it.
Marcia: Me either.
Alice (reading): Tell everyone they can believe it.
(They all laugh.)