S5 E3 Snow White And The Seven Bradys

Snow White And The Seven Dwarves

Written by Ben Starr

The Bradys put on a play for Cindy’s retiring teacher. Hope you enjoy the script.













(The episode begins with Carol and Cindy coming home from a meeting at Cindy’s school. Carol gets out of the car but Cindy stays in.)

Carol: Come on, Cindy.

Cindy: Couldn’t I stay out here for three days?

Carol: Uh, stop stalling.

(She opens the car door.)

Cindy: Mom, can’t we make a deal?

Carol: Listen, I’m not Monty Hall. Besides, making a deal is what got us into all this trouble. Now come on.

Cindy (getting out): You sure you ouldn’t like me to mow the lawn?

Carol: No.

Cindy: Wash the car?

Carol: No. I want you to march straight in that house, and tell your father, what you did.

Cindy: How about if I phone it to him, like, from Florida.

Carol: Come on, Cindy.

(She takes her by the arm and they walk into the house.)

Cindy: How could a little kid like me have such a big mouth?

Carol: Good question.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike in his den. Carol and Cindy come in.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Oh, hi. How was the meeting at school?

Carol: Cindy, why don’t you tell your father how the meeting was?

Cindy: Dad, I got great news.

Carol: Great?

Cindy: Well, that’s better than saying it’s awful news.

Mike: Uh, oh, come on, what is it?

Cindy: Well, see, it’s about my teacher, Mrs. Whitfield. And you see, she’s retiring, and everybody loves her so much, that they all want to buy her a special gift.

Mike: Well, that’s very nice of everybody, what’s the gift?

Carol: Well, it’s something Mrs. Whitfield always wanted. A set of first edition books that costs $200.

Mike: How much of my money did you pledge?

Cindy: Not a cent. Isn’t that terrific?

Carol: Yes, now, tell him the not so terrific part.

Cindy: Well, I had an idea how to raise the $200.

Carol: Go ahead and tell him what the idea is.

Cindy: By putting on a play, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Mike: Oh, I get it, and you told them your father was an architect and he’d build the set story. Is that right?

Cindy: Half right.

Mike (suspicious): Is it the other half I have to look out for?

Cindy: Yeah, well, see, it sort of seems you’re in the play.

Mike (shocked): In the play?

Carol: it sort of seems like the whole family is in the play.

Cindy: Dad, you got a great part, you’re Prince Charming.

Carol: Oh, and guess who is Snow White.

Mike: I don’t have time to be in the play.

Cindy: Well, it’s just a little part.

Mike: I thought you said it was a great part.

Cindy: Well, it’s a great little part.

Mike (to Carol): Where were you when all this was going on? Couldn’t you stop her?

Carol: I was right there, but, when she told everybody that we’d do it, well, they all stood up and applauded, and they said they’d get a theater, sell tickets, anything. Well, how could I back out?

Cindy: Daddy.

(She gives him a pleading look.)

Mike: Okay.

Cindy (pleased): Oh, thank you.

(She kisses his cheek.)

Mike: Yes, but if you want your brothers and sisters to be in this play, now, you’re gonna have to ask them for yourself.

Cindy: Okay.

(Cindy is upstairs talking to Jan.)

Jan: Me? Play one of the seven dwarves.

Cindy: You like Mrs. Whitfield, don’t you?

Jan: Sure, she was my favorite teacher. She was Marcia’s favorite teacher too. I think she was even Mom’s favorite teacher.

Cindy: Boy, she’s been teaching since the olden days.

Jan: You better not say that around Mom.

Cindy: Will you help me with the play?

Jan: Sure, if I can be Dopey.

Cindy: Well, you can’t be Dopey?

Jan: Why not?

Cindy: I’m saving that part for someone special.

Jan: Who?

Cindy: Me.

(She knocks on the bathroom door, where Marcia is.)

Marcia: Come in.

Cindy (entering): Marcia, how….

Marcia: Sure, Cindy, anything for good old Mrs. Whitfield.

Cindy: Oh, thanks.

Marcia: Except I wanna play Dopey instead of you.

Cindy: How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?

Marcia: Thin walls.

(She next goes up to Greg’s room in the attic. She knocks on the door.)

Greg: Come in.

Cindy: Gee, Greg, this room in the attic sure is neat. I love the way you fixed it up, and Alice will love…

Greg; Cindy, you don’t have to butter me up. I’ll be glad to help out Mrs. Whitfield.

Cindy: Thanks.

Greg: But I want to play Dopey instead of you.

Cindy: How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?

Greg (ponting down): Thin floors.

(She knocks on Peter and Bobby’s door. Peter answers.)

Peter: Sure, Cindy, anything for Mrs. Whitfield. As long as I get to play Dopey.

Bobby: That goes for me, too, but I want to play Dopey.

(He and Peter start to argue over the part of Dopey as Cindy leaves.)

Cindy (to herself): Snow White and the Seven Dopeys?

(She goes downstairs to see Alice.)

Cindy: Alice, how wouild you like a nice, big, juicy part in my play?

Alice: I’d love to, can I play Dopey?

Cindy: That part’s already taken, six times.

Alice: What do you have left?

Cindy: The Wicked Queen.

Alice: You got yourself a deal. If I can’t be a wacky dwarf, I’ll be a wicked queen. Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha.

Cindy: That was good, thanks, Alice.

(Next,. the kids are all in the family room. Carol comes in with a hat. The hat has a bunch of slips in it with the name of one of the dwarves.)

Carol: Okay, kids. In this hat are the names of the seven dwarves. And what you pick is what you get.

(The kids all protest loudly.)

Mike: Okay, hold it now, you heard your mother. Hey, pick.

Carol (to Cindy): Okay, you first.

(Cindy looks inside the hat for Dopey but Carol pushes it toward her face. Cindy picks.)

Cindy: Grumpy.

Bobby (picking next): Bashful.

Marcia: Sleepy.

Greg: Be there Dopey, baby. (He picks) Doc.

Carol (to Jan): Come on.

Jan: Happy.

Carol (to Peter): Keep smiling.

Peter: I’m seven and a quarter.

Mike: Quit clowning and pick a name there.

Jan: Pete’s the only one left, he has to be Dopey.

(Alice comes by through the kitchen.)

Greg: Hey, wait a minute, there’s seven dwarves and there’s only six of us. So there’s still two slips of paper left.

Carol: Hey, Greg’s right. We’re short one child.

Mike: If that’s a hint, forget about it.

(Peter takes his name picking a slip.)

Carol: Ah, we’ll be here all day.

Marcia: Really.

Peter: Sneezy.

Carol: Hey, we still need somebody to play Dopey.

Marcia: We can’t do Snow White and the six dwarves.

Alice: We’ll just have to find an outsider to play Dopey.

(At that moment, Sam knocks on the door with a delivery. Alice answers.)

Sam: Hi, Alice. I brought your order.

Alice: Sam, have I got a part for you.

Sam: Hmm?

Alice: Welcome to show business.

(Mike comes home in the next scene and sees the guys working on props for the play.)

Peter: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hey, boys.

Greg (showing him a tree he made): How’s this for a tree?

Mike: Hey, now, that looks pretty good. Of course, if you want an expert opinion, you’ll have to talk to the three poodles next door.

(He walks off and goes inside the house. Carol is in the family room, knitting.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart. (He kisses her) How’s the costume department coming along?

Carol: Oh, not too bad. I’m just reinforcing the seat of Sneezy’s pants so they won’t split when he sneezes.

(We next see Alice rehearsing while she cooks.)

Alice (laughing) : Mirror, mirror, that I see, is there anyone prettier than me? (to Mike) How is that?

Mike: Wicked, Alice, wicked.

(Alice mistakenly puts the mirror in the soup.)

Alice: Mirror, mirror in my (she realizes her mistake) soup?

(Later on, Carol and Cindy are downstairs in the living room. Mike comes down the stairs.)

Mike: Everybody’s ready for rehearsal?

Carol: Just waiting for you, Prince Charming, and a half dozen dwarves.

(The phone rings.)

Mike: Hello. Yes, if you’ll hang on for just a second, I’ll let you speak to the lady who’s handling the arrangemants. Cindy, it’s Mr. Gunther, the gentlemen with the theater.

Cindy: Hi, Mr. Gunther. Yeah, that’s right, this Saturday. (She starts to get upset) Well, that’s when it is! But Mr. Gunther, they put in tickets already! And (Pause) No, I guess it’s not your fault, bye.

(She hangs up the phone and looks upset.)

Mike: What’s the matter?

Cindy: I thought I told them this Saturday. But I guess I made a mistake. We can’t have the theatrer, it’s rented.

Carol: Oh, Cindy.

Cindy (very upset): I already told Mrs. Whitfield about the big day for her, and we ordered the books for her! And now it’s ruined and it’s all my fault!

(She runs upstairs and the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Cindy in her room moping. Carol comes in to speak to her.)

Carol: Cindy. (She sits on the bed with her) Hey, you know, I never thought you were a quitter.

Cindy: Who’s a quitter?

Carol: Well, it looks like you are. You know, you accepted a big responsibility and now you’re just dropping it.

Cindy: But there’s no place to put the play on. What can I do?

Carol: Listen, I’m not sure what you can do. But we can all put our heads together and try to think of something.

Cindy (looking up): Maybe we can do it with one big head, huh.

Carol: Well, we just might. No problem was ever solved by crawling into a hole.

Cindy: Then I guess I better crawl out, huh.

Carol: That would be a good start. Now, come on, Grumpy.

(Greg is on the phone, trying to find a theater.)

Greg: We need a theater next Saturday, Mr. Fiske. How much? Oh, well, it’s sort of for charity. I see, you already gave at the office. Thanks anyway.

(Alice gets on the telephone.)

Alice: Hello, oh, hi, Sam.

Sam: Hey, Alice. I had an idea about a theater for you.

Alice: You did?

Sam: Yep, and it’s a place you can use for free.

Alice: Sounds like our kind of place, where is it?

Sam: Well, it’s not exactly a theater, it’s more like a warehouse.

Alice: Any port in a storm, Sam.

Sam: Well, there’s just one thing you got to do before you can use it.

Alice: What’s that?

Sam: You got to wait until the temperature to go up 80 degrees and then move and then move all the frozen caucuses out of the meat locker.

Alice: Thanks, anyway, Sam. But keep trying.

(Mike and Carol are in the den.)

Mike: Carol.

Carol: What is it, honey?

Mike: I think I figured out where we can put on the play.

Carol: Oh, Mike, that’s terrific. You know, I know now why I married you. You are a genius. Where?

Mike: Right in the backyard. (He shows her his plan) Look, this harbor with a little extension would make a great stage and there’s enough room for an audience there.

Carol: That is terrific, Mike. You know, you’re not just an ordinary one in a million genuis. You are super gene.

(She kisses him.)

Mike: Yeah, that’s not what i would’ve said, though. And I’m glad you did.

Cindy (leaning through the door): Good night. I’m going to bed now. My head is tired of thinking.

Carol: Honey, you don’t have to think anymore. Your Dad has solved the whole problem. We can put on the play.

Cindy (excited): Where?

Mike: Right in the backyard. There’s enough room for a stage and an audience.

Cindy: Oh, Dad, you’re a genius!

Mike: Well, it seems to be the general concensus around here.

Carol: Well, listen, we got a lot of work to do, so you better get a good night sleep.

Cindy: Who can sleep now? I’ll tell the others.

(She runs out of the den.)

Mike: You know, there is a lot to do. I got to clean out the backyard, haul in the chairs, build that stage extension, rig a P.A. system and finish the sets.

Carol: Well, Mike, look on the brightside. You got a whole day and a half to do it in. (He laughs) Besides, you’re a genius, remember.

Mike: True.

(We next see Alice helping Marcia and Jan at the dinner table, making curtains.)

Alice: Have we got enough bedsheets here for the stage curtain?

Jan: No, I think we need one more.

Alice: Okay, well I’ll go and get it. (She gets up but the tablecloth, which was attached to her, goes with her. The girls stop her) I hope I do better in the show business than I’ve done in the sew business.

(Cindy is in the back with Mike and the boys. She hands Mike the system and he hangs it. Greg sees Peter sawing a table.)

Greg: Come on with that thing, would you?

(Peter cuts it in half and Greg takes one half. Mike looks in disbelief as Alice come sout with a trayful of drinks.)

Alice: How about a cooling off break, men.

(Cindy and the guys take a drink and thank Alice. She brings a drink to Mike.)

Alice: Oh, that stage looks great already, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Alice, you ain’t seen notihng yet.

(Next, the play is about to go on. Carol is looking out the window and then Mike comes to join her. They are both in costume.)

Mike: You’re counting the house, honey?

Carol: I’m counting the house and my pulse. You know, I got opening day jitters.

Mike: Oh, relax, Snow White. You’re going to be a smash. Besides, what can go wrong now?

(Alice comes in to talk to them.)

Alice: Mr. Brady, Mr. Brady. Mr. Brady!

Mike: I had to ask.

Alice: I made the most terrible goof.

Mike: Oh, what is it, Alice?

Alice: Well, when I was rehearsing this morning I ate the most important prop in the play. My poison apple that I had to give to Snow White.

Carol: We had a whole bag of apples.

Alice: I know, but I rehearsed an awful lot. You don’t suppose the audience would settle for a poison banana.

Mike: No, Alice, I don’t. Look, there’s plenty of time left. I’ll go to the market.

Carol: Well, hurry Mike, hurry.

Mike: Right.

(Sam is in the living room rehearsing his part of Dopey.)

Sam: Duh, I remember which way we live.

Mike: Sam.

Sam: Duh, somebody call my name.

Mike: Is your truck parked out front?

Sam: Yeah, why?

Mike: Because I need a lift to the market fast.

Sam: Sure thing, Mr. Brady.

(They leave for the market. Mike gets out.)

Mike: I’ll only be a minute, Sam.

Sam: I won’t move an inch.

(A police officer comes over to him.)

Policeman: Move it.

Sam: Oh, hi officer.

Policeman: You’re parked in a rear zone, buddy.

Sam: Yeah, well, we’ll be right out in a jiffy.

Policeman: You got your operator’s license?

Sam (reaching his pockets): Yeah, I got it right here somewhere.

Policeman: Maybe you better step out here and show it to me.

Sam: Oh, okay, sure.

(He gets out of the truck and the officer notices his costume.)

Policeman: Did anybody ever tell you your Mommy dresses you funny?

Sam: Hmm, oh, ha, ha. I better explain. You see, I’m Dopey.

Policeman: I figured that out.

(Mike comes back with an apple.)

Mike: Hi there, officer.

Policeman: Who are you supposed to be?

Mike: I’m Prince Charming.

Policeman: You got an identification, prince, or did you leave it at the palace?

Mike: I’m Mike Brady, they know me at the market.

Sam: Officer, we got to get back with the poison apple.

Policeman: Poison?

Mike (taking the apple out of the bag): Yeah, it’s for the wicked queen.

Policeman (sarcastically): I can’t wait to hear the rest of this.

Mike: You see, we’re doing a play, Snow White, and we forgot the poison apple.

Policeman: Yeah, I figured it was some kind of costume. Okay, get going.

Sam: Oh, thank you.

Policeman: Hey, by the way, in case my kids want to see the show, what theater are you playing in?

Mike: Oh, it isn’t in a theater. It’s in the backyard.

Policeman: Your backyard?

Mike: Yeah.

Policeman: You charge admission?

Mike: Oh, sure, we’ree trying to raise money.

Policeman: I assume you have a city permit.

Mike: Permit?

Policeman: You got to have a permit.

Mike: We, uh, kind of forgot the permit.

(Back at the house, Bobby loks outside at the crowd.)

Bobby: The neighbors are getting restless, Mom.

Carol: I can’t imagine what happened to your father and Sam.

Cindy; We can’t start without Dopey, he’s in the first scene.

Carol: Oh, get ready, everybody.

Marcia: What are we gonna do?

Carol: Oh, I don’t know, just get ready, I’ll try to stall. I don’t know.

(Carol goes out to face the audience.)

Carol: Hello. (Everyone in the audience applauds) Welcome, welcome to our show. Uh, now, uh, before the curtains open, I would like you to meet the celebrity who is responsible for bringing all of us together. She’s everybody’s favorite teacher, Mrs. Whitfield.

(Mrs. Whirtfield rises and faces the audience. they applaud for her. She sits down.)

Carol (nervously): Now, uh, I’d like to tell you a couple more things about…

(Mike and Sam finally arrive back. The audience turns around.)

Mike: Hi, folks. Funny thing happened to me on the way to the market.

Carol: Thank goodness. Oh, thank you all for being so patient. And now, we’d like to give you our version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

(The curtains open.)

All kids and Sam (singing): Hi ho, hi ho, it’s home from work we go. (They whistle) Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go (they whistle again) hi ho, hi ho.

(Sam (Dopey) stops.)

Greg (Doc): What did you stop for, Dopey?

Sam(Dopey) : Duh, I forgot which way we live, Doc.

Jan (Happy) and Cindy (Grumpy) (pointing in different directions): We live that way.

Marcia (Sleepy): Can’t we get going, it’s time for my nap, I’m Sleepy.

Peter (Sneezy): I’m catching a cold.

(He pretends to sneeze. The audience laughs.)

Bobby (Bashful): I know which way we live.

Greg (Doc): Which way, Bashful?

Bobby (Bashful): I’m too Bashful to tell you.

(He pretends to laugh.)

Sam (Dopey): Hey, I remember which way. We follow the yellow brick road.

Cindy (Grumpy): That’s in the wizard of oz.

Sam (Dopey): So, don’t follow the yellow brick road.

(The audience laughs and they walk off stage singing the hi ho song.)

(Alice has the next scene as the Wicked Queen.)

Alice (Queen): Mirror, mirror, that I see, is there anyone fairer than me? You know what your answer had better be.

(Mike is using a microphone from the garage, acting as the mirror.)

Mike: Ah, my fair queen.

Alice (Queen): That’s better, speak.

Mike: Ah, my queen, Snow White as far out and youthful. More beautiful than you, I got to be truthful.

Alice (Queen): Snow White! Who is Snow White? Where is Snow White?

(Carol, as Snow White, appears on the stage, throwing confetti around.)

Carol (Snow White): Did somebody drop the name, Snow White?

Alice (Queen) (to the mirror): Is that her? The freaky looking kid?

Mike: You bet your nylon wig, ain’t she out of sight?

Alice (Queen): Bite your tongue, mirror.

Carol (Snow White): Madam, what a strange mirror you have. (She giggles) Did you wish to see me, your royal wickedness?

Alice (Queen): Yes, ugly child. Come, let us take a little stroll through the woods.

Carol (Snow White): The woods? Don’t hungry, wild animals live in the woods?

Alice (Queen): I certainly hope so.

(The next scene has them walking through the woods.)

Carol (Snow White): Listen to all those wild, hungry animals.

(Mike has all the kids and Sam making sounds of wild animals.)

Alice (Queen): Yeah, I just remembered I forgot something. I’ll be back later.

Carol (Snow White): Oh, no, oh, you wickedness, don’t leave me alone, I’m afraid.

(The kids are still making animal sounds on the microphone in the garage. The wicked queen takes out an apple.)

Alice (Queen): Here, eat this while I’m gone. It will calm you down, way down.

Carol (Snow White): Oh, you are so kind.

Alice (Queen): Let me be among the first to say, good-bye, Snow White.

(She laughs and goes off the stage.)

Carol (Snow White): Isn’t she sweet?

(She bites the apple and then screams and falls. The dwarves come on the stage.)

All kids and Sam (singing): Hi ho, hi ho, it’s home from work we go. (They whistle) Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho.

(Dopey notices Snow White on the ground and stops.)

Greg (Doc): Would you stop doing that, Dopey?

Sam (Dopey): Duh, but look, Doc.

(They notice her and respond in their own ways. Doc goes to check her.)

Bobby (Bashful): What’s the matter with her, Doc?

Greg (Doc): Either my stethoscope has stopped working, or she has. Nope, I’m afraid she’s

(He makes a sound to mean she’s dead. Dopey makes the same sound and he does again.)

Sam (Dopey): Duh, poor lady.

Jan (Happy): It’s so sad I can cry.

(Prince Charming comes out with a horse.)

Mike (Prince Charming): Hi there, I was just passing through and I saw your group. I thought it was a luau. (He notices Snow White) Oh, what a vision of loveliness. Is this damsel in distress?

Marcia (Sleepy): The worst kinds.

Bobby (Bashful): She’s (sound meaning dead).

(Prince Charming makes the same sound and she wakes up a little and does it as well.)

Mike (Prince Charming): It’s the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen. (He moves a little closer to her) I will kiss her.

Greg (Doc): As a doctor, I assure you that will do no good.

Mike (Prince Charming): It couldn’t hurt. (He gets down and goes to give her a kiss) I can’t reach you.

(She lifts her head, she asks her to move a little more, then he kisses her. She wakes up.)

Carol (Snow White): Ooh, I must have dozed off. Who are you?

Mike (Prince Charming): I am Prince Charming.

Carol (Snow White): Oh, was that you who kissed me or your horse?

Mike (Prince Charming): Huh?

Carol (Snow White): Just answer with a yay, or a niiiii.

(Mike laughs and so do all the kids.)

Greg (Doc): Somebody give her another bite of that apple.

Mike (Prince Charming): Oh no, this lady shall come with me to my palace, and be my princess.

(The kids help her get up.)

Carol (Snow White): Oh, you know, I think I better walk. I don’t believe there’s room for me and your horse.

(He laughs and they take off.)

Jan (Happy): I love happy endings.

Cindy (Grumpy): I hate happy endings.

(The kids get off the stage and take Mrs. Whitfield by the hand. They sing the hi ho song with the audience joining in. Then they give her the gift and kiss her good-bye. The audience gives a standing ovation as the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Sam and Alice talking about the play over coffee.)

Alice: I sure am a sucker for a happy ending.

Sam: Ditto. Mrs. Whitfield sure did appreciate the play and the books and everything, didn’t she.

Alice: I was thinking more along the line of Prince charming marrying Snow White.

Sam: Are you hinting, Alice?

Alice: Who? Me?

Sam: That’s okay. I’m a fellow who can take a hint. Let me put it this way.

Alice: Yes?

Sam: When you get to be Snow White, and I get to be Prince Charming, I’ll consider it.

Alice: Seems fair.,

(They raise their cups and take a sip.)


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