Never Too Old
Written by Larry Rhine and Al Schwartz
Bobby kisses a girl for the first time and then finds out she may have been exposed to the mumps.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
MILLISCENT, Cindy and Bobby’s friend
(The episode begins with Bobby shooting baskets. Greg and Peter come outside.)
Bobby: Hey, where are you guys going? I thought we were gonna shoot some baskets.
Greg; Oh, yeah, well, we got something more important to do, Bobby.
Bobby: More important than basketball?
Peter: Not even in the same league. Greg’s gonna drop me off at Wendy’s house.
Greg: And I got a date too.
Bobby: You guys think girls are more important than basketball?
Greg: Did you ever try kissing a basketball?
Bobby: I’d rather kiss a basketball, and a catcher’s mitt, than any dumb old girl.
Peter: Just wait, you’ll be kissing girls.
Greg: And liking it, too.
Bobby: No way, I wouldn’t kiss a girl for nothing. Come on, let’s play.
Greg: Bye, Bobby.
(Greg and Peter get in the car and leave. Bobby mutters to himself about kissing girls, then goes to play some more. At this moent, Milliscent comes over to visit.)
Milliscent: Hi, Bobby.
Bobby: Hi, Milliscent. Cindy’s inside.
Milliscent: I didn’t come here to see Cindy. I came to see you.
Bobby: Me? What for?
Milliscent: To thank you for making that boy stop teasing me at school today. You’re very brave.
Bobby: Okay, that wasn’t anytihng.
Milliscent: It was too, and I really appreciate it.
(She kisses him. He then starts to see skyrockets.)
Milliscent: Bobby, what’s wrong?
Bobby: Huh? I’m not sure. (He comes back to reality) Milliscent, you got to promise something. You got to promise you’ll never tell anybody in the whole world what just happened.
Milliscent (angry): Why not?
Bobby: Because if my brothers find out, I’ll be ruined for life. Promise?
Milliscent: Okay, I promise.
Bobby: Thanks, it will be our secret. Nobody else will ever know.
(We see Cindy watching from inside with a mischievous smile. The scene fades.)
(The next scene has Alice on the phone as Bobby comes inside from playing.)
Alice: I’ll talk to you about it later, Sam. Bye bye. (Bobby comes in) Hi. How about a post game snack. (Bobby doesn’t answer) Usually you like sometihng to eat after the game.
(Mike and Carol are in the living room. She is helping Mike put a heavy coat on for an upcoming Roaring 20s party.)
Carol: Oh, this is heavy.
Mike: Wait a minute, wait a minute.
(He takes a hat off her head and puts it on his.)
Carol: That seems to fit all right.
Mike: How do I look?
Carol: Well, I think you might make the centerfold of the raccoon posethe.
Mike: Oh, eat your heart out, Rudy Vallee.
(Bobby comes by.)
Mike: Hi, Bob.
Carol: Hey Bobby, how do you like your Dad’s costume?
Bobby (unenthused): It’s great.
Mike: Well, he’s underwhelmed.
Carol: Listen, I got yours finished, would you like to try it on?
Bobby: I got too much thinking to do.
Mike (concerned): Uh, Bob, anytihng wrong?
Bobby: Not really.
Carol: Well, is there anything you want to talk to us about?
Bobby: Not really.
Mike: Is there anything we can do?
Bobby: Not really?
(He goes upstairs.)
Mike (to Carol): Nothing like parents having a heart to heart talk with their kids.
(Greg is in his attic room with Marcia and Jan. They are looking at some old records.)
Marcia: These are really perfect for the Roaring 20s party.
Jan: Where did you get them, Greg?
Greg: Dave Osbourne lent them to me.
Jan: Got some funny songs in these thinbgs.
Greg; Get a load of this, Can red lips kiss my blues away.
Marcia: How about this one, does the spearmint lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight.
Jan: Yes, we have no bananas? Today that sounds more like a group instead of a song.
(Cindy comes up.)
Cindy: I’ve got a secret, I’ve got a secret.
Jan: What kind of a secret, Cindy.
Cindy: That’s for me to know and you to find out.
Greg; When is she gonna grow up?
Marcia: When there’s nobody else to blab on.
(Carol is on her way up the stairs when she hears Mike playing a ukelele in his den. She knocks on the door.)
Carol: Is that you, Mike?
Mike (answering): Hi.
Carol: I thought I heard a ukelele in here.
Mike: You did?
Mike: That’s because you did. (He shows her) Listen, I’m gonna be the cat’s meow at that Roaring 20s party. I’m really gonna play this.
Mike (singing): My dog has fleas.
Carol (laughing): Sounds a little more like his temper to me.
Mike: Okay, request time. What would you like?
Carol: I wanna be loved by you.
Mike: Later, right now I’m playing the ukelele.
Carol: Oh, Mike.
Mike:Come on, lend me your tonsil.
Carol: You know I don’t have my tonsils anymore. How about a vocal chord.
(He starts to play and Carol starts to sing. Mike joins in the second verse.)
Carol and Mike: I wanna be loved by you, just you and nobody else but you . I wanna be loved by you alone. Boop-boop-de-boop. I wanna be kissed by you, just you and nobody else but you I wanna be kissed by you alone. Boop-boop-de-boop. I couldn’t aspire to anything higher than to feel the desire
to make you my own ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-doodly-dum-boo. I wanna be loved by you, just you and nobody else but you . I wanna be loved by you alone.
Alice (looking inside the door): Boop-boop-de-boop. (They look over to her) Pardon my boop, I just got carried away.
(They laugh as we move to the next scene. Bobby is in his room doing homework. He starts to imagine himself and Milliscent running to each other in slow motion and kissing each other. He gets up. goes over to the mirror and practices puckering. Peter comes in the room.)
Peter: What are you doing? Warming up to enter an ugly contest?
Bobby: Uh, no, I’m practicing for a whistling contest. I entered a whistling contest.
(He whistles for him.)
Peter: You sure got a dumb looking pucker.
Cindy (entering the room): I got a secret, I got a secret.
Bobby: What kind of secret?
Cindy: That’s for me to kow and you to find out.
(She runs out.)
Bobby: Think she’s got something on you, Pete?
Peter: Me? I haven’t done anything. It’s probably you.
Bobby: Not me. I got the cleanest conscience in town. Who cares about Cindy and her dumb secret? (Bobby is in Cindy’s room asking about the secret) Okay, Cindy, what’s your secret?
Cindy: I’ll give you a hint. It starts with the letter m.
Bobby: M, like in money.
Cindy: Nope. M likeyou find it in Holland and it goes round and round.
Bobby (disgusted): Cindy, windmil doesn’t start with an m.
Cindy: The second half of it does?
Cindy (nodding): Now add this to it. (a penny)
Bobby: Millpenny? Milllincoln? Millcent?
(Cindy nods and uses her hands to make it longer.)
Bobby: Milliscent? Milliscent! (bitterly) What do you know about Milliscent?
Cindy: Only this.
Bobby (angry): You were spying.
Cindy: I was not. I just happened to be looking where I wasn’t supposed to.
Bobby (pleading): Cindy, you got to protect me, I’m your brother.
Cindy: Protect you from Milliscent?
Bobby (bitterly): From Greg and Peter. If they find out, I’ll be ruined for life.
Cindy: At your age, that’s a long time.
Bobby: Please, Cindy, promise me you won’t say anything about kissing me, please?
(The older kids come in.)
Greg: Cindy, we want to talk to you.
Cindy: About what?
Peter: I’ll give you a hint. (He mimics Cindy) I’ve got a secret, I’ve got a secret.
Marcia: We want to know what the secret is.
Jan: And who you’ve got it on.
Cindy: None of you.
Greg: Then who.
(All eyes fall on Bobby.)
Marcia: So the secret’s on Bobby, huh. Hey, what is it, Cindy?
Jan: Yeah, tell us what it is.
Peter: Come on.
Cindy: Well, the secret is. The secret is.
Cindy: There is no secret.
(They all get annoyed.)
Greg: Wait a minute, if there’s no secret, what’s all this I’ve got a secret, I’ve got a secret jazz for.
Cindy: Well, if I didn’t say that, would I be getting all this attention?
(They get frustrated and leave. Bobby is happy.)
Bobby: Thanks, Cindy, if you weren’t a girl, I’d kiss you.
(Cut to the den, where Carol is showing Mike a dance while wearing a new dress.)
Carol: You like it? (the dress)
Mike: You really made that yourself?
Carol: No, I remade it. I found it in a trunk in the attic. You like it?
Mike: I think it’s terrific.
Carol: You like the, uh, fringe?
Mike: I like the fringe benefits. (Bobby comes in) Hello there.
Carol: Hi, sweetheart, you like my dress?
Bobby: Mom, can I talk to Dad for a minute? It’s kind of a father son thing.
Carol: Oh, well, since I don’t qualify for either one, see you around.
(She leaves the den.)
Mike (to Bobby): Sit down. (They both take a seat) Well, what’s on your mind?
Bobby: Remember when you asked me if I had a problem?
Mike: Ah, yeah.
Bobby: The problem is, I don’t really know if I have a problem. You know what I mean?
Mike: Eh, no, but I’m sure we can figure the problem out, especially if you’re not sure if you really have one.
Bobby: Yeah. I don’t really know where to start.
Mike: Uh huh. Well, how about the beginning.
Bobby: Well, Dad, did you ever kiss a girl when you were my age?
Mike: Yeah, I kind of remember that I did.
Bobby: Did something special happen?
Mike: Sure did, her father walked in.
Bobby: I mean, how did you feel? Like, did you see skyrockets or something?
Mike: Well, not skyrockets, exactly. A few little firecrackers, maybe.
Bobby: Well, if you did see skyrockets, would that mean you’re in love?
Mike: Bobby, that depends. I suppose, it could.
Bobby: Then people who are in love get engaged, right?
Mike: Well, uh….
Bobby: And then they get married.
Mike: Well, I think in your case, I recommend a long engagement.
Bobby: How long?
Mike: About 10 years. Son, love and marriage, and engagements, it’s a wonderful business, but, you want to make very sure about those skyockets.
Bobby: Make sure, huh. Thanks, dad, I’ll keep in touch.
(He gets up an dleaves.)
Mike: Uh, you do that.
(Next, Bobby goes to Milliscent’s house. He rings the bell and she answers.)
Bobby: Hi Milliscent, I have to make sure of something.
Bobby: Whether it’s skyrockets or not. (He kisses her and again he sees skyrockets) Yeah, it’s skyrockets.
Milliscent: Bobby, I don’t think you should’ve done that.
Bobby: Why not?
Milliscent: I’m contagious. The doctor thinks I may have the mumps.
Bobby (surprised): The mumps?
(She shrugs and closes the door, leaving Bobby mortified. The scene fades.)
(The next scene has Alice on the phone with Sam.)
Alice: Oh, and Sam, I better give you the latest news about the roaring 20s party. I entered us in the Charleston contest. Right. Well, wear your shin guards, Sam, because when I do the Charleston, it’s every man for himself. (She laughs.) I’ll see you tomorrow night, Sam, bye. (She does a little dance and Bobby comes in) That’s a pretty long face for a short fellow, is there anything wrong?
Bobby: I’ll say. I know this guy who’s really worried.
Alice: That covers a lot of guys. Can you narrow it down a little?
Bobby: Well, he’s a friend of mine. He thinks he might have the mumps.
Alice: Now, that is a lumpy problem.
Bobby: How can he tell if he’s got them for sure, Alice?
Alice: Well, are his neck glands swollen?
Bobby: No, not yet.
Alice: Any puffiness around his cheeks?
Bobby: No, not yet.
Alice: Well, just to be on the safe side, he really ought to stay away from everybody until he knows for sure.
Bobby: Until he knows for sure, huh.
Alice: Yeah, he doesn’t want to go around giving everybody the mumps.
Bobby: Oh, no. I mean, he wouldn’t want to do that. Thanks.
(Bobby is in the bathroom gargling. Then he gets a tape measure to measure his neck. Peter comes in.)
Peter: What are ypou measuring your neck for?
Bobby: Uh, I just want to see how thick it was getting.
Peter: It will never be as thick as your head.
Bobby: Very funny.
Peter (coming closer): Let me measure your head.
Bobby (running away): No, don’t get near me.
Peter: What’s wrong?
Bobby: I don’t want you to mess up my hair.
(He runs into the bathroom.)
Peter: I think your hair is growing on the insid eof your head, and it’s tickling your brain.
(Next, the rest of the family is about to practice the Charleston.)
Carol: Okay gang, this is our final dress rehearsal. Now remember, the important thing about the Charleston is not to kick anybody. (to Mike) Especially you. So spread out, come on.
Mike: Okay. (He realizes Bobby is not with them) Hold it, where’s Bobby?
Peter: He’s upstasirs. He said he doesn’t like the Charleston.
Jan: He’ll be sorry tomorrow night when the music starts.
(Greg turns the record on and they start dancing.)
Mike: Remember the trick is never to let your feet leave your legs.
Cindy: Wow, this is fun.
(Bobby comes out and watches from the top of the stairs.)
Alice: I feel like a field goal kicker in the Super Bowl.
Mike: 22 Skidoo.
Marcia: 23, Dad.
(They show the family doing many dance antics. Bobby goes inside to call Milliscent.)
Bobby (on the phone): Hello, Milliscent, hi, this is Bobby Brady.
Milliscent: Oh, hi Bobby. How are ypou feeling?
Bobby: So far, so good. Are you swollen or anything?
Milliscent: Not yet?
Bobby: Well, are you sure you got the mumps?
Milliscent: I won’t know for sure until tomorrow morning when the doctor comes over.
Bobby: Well, call me as soon as you can in the morning, will you?
Milliscent: By 10 o’clock, okay.
Bobby: Don’t forget, because I’m in a tough spot.
Milliscent: You shouldn’t have kissed me so quick, Bobby. I didn’t have a chance to tell you anything.
Bobby: Those darn skyrockets.
Bobby: Never mind, talk to you tomorrow. Bye. (He hangs up and says to himself) I guess I’ll just have to stay away from evberybody till tomorrow morning.
(That evening, Carol goes into the boys’ room to check on them. Peter is sleeping while Carol finds a football jersey and helmet in Bobby’s bed.)
Carol: Peter (she turns the light on) Peter, wake up.
Carol: Where’s Bobby?
Peter: He’s sleeping.
Carol: Oh, no he isn’t. He’s not in his bed.
Peter: He was.
Carol (running into her room): Mike, Mike, Bobby’s gone.
Mike: What do you mean gone?
Carol: Well, he made up his bed to look like he was in it but he isn’t there.
Mike: We better take a look around.
Greg (coming in): What’s all the excitement?
Carol: Bobby’s gone.
Mike: Greg, did you see him downstairs?
Greg: No, I was watching the late show.
Carol: Do you suppose he could’ve run away, Mike?
Mike: Let’s go take a look and see if his bicycle’s there. Come on.
Carol: Come on, Peter.
(They go outside and check the back yard.)
Carol: Are you sure you boys didn’t have a fight with Bobby?
Greg: Not me.
Peter: Me either, but he sure’s been acting weird.
Mike: What do you mean weird?
Peter: He kept on looking at himself in the mirror, I mean, like, all the time.
Greg (turning the garage light on): His bike’s stil here.
Carol: Well, that’s a good sign.
Peter: He could have hitchhiked away, or walked, or maybe even rollerskated.
Mike (sarcastically): We appreciate your optimism, Peter.
Carol (to Mike): Honey, why don’t we check the neighborhood.
Greg: We don’t know how long he’s been gone.
Peter: Yeah, he could be miles away by now, mybe in another state.
Mike: You brought us enough good news for one night, Peter.
Greg: Dad, do you hear music?
Mike: Yes, I do.
Peter: Me too.
Carol: Hey, it seems to be coming from over there.
(They go over to the doghouse, where Bobby is hiding an dlistening to his radio. Mike pulls him out.)
Bobby: I guess you’re all probably wondering what I’m doing out here, huh?
Carol: Well, the question has crossed our minds.
Mike: And I hope the answer’s a good one or you’re really gonna be in the doghouse.
(Next, Bobby is inside explaining the situation to Mike and Carol.)
Carol: Bobby, for your first kiss, did you have to pick a girl with the mumps.
Bobby: I didn’t exactly pick her, she kissed me first.
Mike (laughing): Women’s lib starts early.
Carol: Well, didn’t you notice that her face was swollen?
Bobby: It wasn’t. Besides, I was too busy watching the skyrockets.
Mike: Yeah, I’ll explain thta one later.
Carol: Well, honey, we really appreciate you trying to protect us, but I sure wish you would’ve told us about it.
Bobby: Greg and Peter would’ve laughed me right out of town.
Mike: Well, now you’re gonna have to laugh your way all the way to the doctor’s office for a checkup.
Carol: You know, Mike, this may be going through the school. We may have all the kids going for a checkup. Well, it’s a lucky thing you and I both had the mumps.
Mike: Well, honey, only one of us is lucky and it ain’t me.
Carol: You mean, you never had the mumps?
Bobby: Well, Milliscent isn’t positive she’s got the mumps. Not until she sees her doctor?
Mike: When’s that?
Bobby: Tomorrow morning. She’s gonna call me when she knows for sure.
Carol: Well, I guess we’ll just have to wait for a call from Milliscent.
Bobby: Mom, Dad, I’m really sorry.
Mike: Oh, that’s okay, son. If you had to get the mumps, you got them the best way you could get them.
(The next morning, Bobby is anxiously awaiting a call from Milliscent, while at the breakfast table with Carol, mie, and the girls.)
Bobby: What time is it, Dad?
Mike: It’s about one minut elater than the last time you asked.
Cindy: Milliscent sure has a slow doctor.
Jan: By now, Marcus welby could’ve cured five diseases and done brain surgery.
Alice: More pancakes, anybody?
Carol: Thanks, Alice.
Bobby: Who can eat at a time like this?
Carol: Bobby, not eating isn’t gonna make the phone ring any faster. Come on.
Marcia: Of all the things I don’t need right now, it’s the mumps.
Cindy: Yeah, and if we do get them it’ll be all Bobby’s fault.
Bobby: My fault? Milliscent’s your friend.
Cindy: Yes, but I don’t go around kissing her.
Bobby (angry): That’s supposed to be a secret.
Cindy: Well, you made me say it.
Marcia: Is that what the secret was?
Jan: Did you really kiss Milliscent?
Bobby: Only for an experiment. (They all laugh) Now, the whole neighborhood is gonna know. That’s what happens to a guy with three sisters.
Mike: okay, you guys, cool it.
(The phone rings. Bobby frantically answers it.)
Bobby: Do you have the mumps or don’t you? Oh, it’s you, Sam. Yeah, she’s right here. It’s for you, Alice.
Marcia: Alice, could you please make it quick?
Alice: Yeah, I will. (She get son the phone) look, Sam, I can’t talk to you right now, they’re expecting a very important phone call. A special on lamb chops, how much? That, they must still have the wool on them. Better bring some over,. Oh, and if there’s a quarantine sign on the door, just drop them and run. (She hangs up) Sorry, when I get a sale on meat, I flip out.
(The phone rings again and Bobby answers.)
Bobby: Hello. (to the family) It’s Milliscent. (to Milliscent) Do you or don’t you? Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, thanks, bye.
(He hangs up.)
Bobby: That was Milliscent.
Jan: We know that.
Cindy: Yeah, what did she say?
Bobby: Well, it was kind of private.
Carol: How can the mumps be private?
Bobby: The part where she said I was a good kisser is private.
Mike: Yes, but what about the mumps?
Bobby: She doesn’t have them.
(The family rejoices and the girls get up to leave.)
Bobby: See you later.
Carol: Hey, come back here. Where you going?
Bobby: Milliscent said I should come over. But don’t worry, Dad. We’re not thinking about marriage yet.
Mike: Yeah, well there is sometihng you should be thinking about, you know. All the problems you could’ve caused by hiding the fact that you’ve been exposed to the mumps.
Carol: Honey, don’t ever be afraid to come and tell us something.
Bobby: I get the message.
Bobby: Now can I go see Milliscent?
(He runs off.)
Carol: Boy, he can’t seem to get over those skyrockets, can he.
Mike: Yeah, magic of youth. Too bad we grow up and lose it.
Carol: Who said we have to lose it?
(She reaches over to him and they kiss. They both see skyrockets as a result.)
Mike: Oh, yeah, you too?
(They kiss again.)
Alice: I don’t know what the calendar says, but around here it’s the fourth of July.
(The scene fades away.)
(The final scene has the family returning home from the Roaring 20s party. Carol sends the kids off to bed.)
Carol: Alice, I think it’s fantastic that you and Sam won the prize for the Charleston contest.
Alice: Well, you know, folks, I’m not really sure we won it fair and square.
Mike: Why not, you’re both great dancers?
Alice: I have a confession to make, Sam isn’t that good.
Mike: He sure looked great.
Alice: Yeah, and to make sure he did, just before the music started, I dropped a few ice cubes down his back.