Peter and the Wolf
Written by Tam Spiva
Greg sets Peter up on a date with an older woman. Peter sports a fake mustache and takes an assumed name to pull it off. I hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
MIKE BRADY
CAROL BRADY
ALICE NELSON
GREG BRADY
MARCIA BRADY
PETER BRADY/PHIL PACKER
JAN BRADY
BOBBY BRADY
CINDY BRADY
SANDRA, Greg’s date
LEN, a friend of Greg’s
LINDA, Peter/Phil’s date
MR. CALDERON, Mike’s client
MRS. CALDERON, Mr. Calderon’s wife
(The episode begins at Greg’s school. He is seen taking to his friend, Len.)
Len: I don’t believe it. I mean, every guy in school is trying to take out Sandra Martin. So how did you swing it?
Greg: Simple. I’m charming and irresistable.
Len: I heard a rumor she only takes out college guys.
Greg: Who do you think started the rumor? It eliminates competition.
Len: Ooh, shrewd. That’s awfully shrewd, Greg.
(Sandra calls to him.)
Sandra: Oh, Greg.
Greg; Hi, Sandra.
Sandra: Hey, can I talk to you for a moment?
Greg: Sure, Sandra. Wait up. Huh, Len.
Len: Yeah, sure.
(They walk a few feet to speak privately.)
Sandra: I don’t want to say this, but I’m gonna have to break our date for Saturday night?
Greg: Oh no, how come?
Sandra: My cousin Linda. Right out of the blue, she’s coming into town to visit us. (Pause) I can’t leave her sitting alone. I’m sorry, I really am.
Greg: Wait. (He has a thought) How old is your cousin, Linda?
Sandra: 18, why?
Greg: Suppose I came up with a date for her and we make it a foursome.
Sandra: That be great. Can you find someone on such short notice?
Greg: Simple. And if your cousin looks anything like you, I’ll have to fight them off with a whip and a chair. (He laughs) By the way, what does your cousin Linda look like?
Sandra: I don’t know, I haven’t seen her in 6 years. She had pigtails and braces then.
(She laughs out loud.)
Greg: Pigtail and braces. Well, a lot can happen in six years.
Sandra: Right. (She looks at he rwatch) Oh, I have to run or I’ll be late for class. Bye.
Greg: Bye, Sandra. (He goes back to Len.) Len, this is your lucky day.
Len: Forget it, I heard. Pigtail and braces. No way.
Greg: Ooh, that was a long time ago. By now, I’ll bet she looks like a million bucks.
Len: Yeah, you know what that’s worth, with inflation and all.
Greg: You know what I went through to get this date with Sandra? What kind of a friend are you?
Len: Now, Greg, friendship is one thing, but human sacrifice is something else.
Greg (annoyed): But I’ll blow the date with Sandra if I don’t get somebody for her cousin!
Len: Well, you win some, you lose some. See ya.
(He walks away and Greg yells over to him.)
Greg: I’ll bet i can get 50 guys to jump at the chance! (to himself) At least 20. (He thinks again) settle for 1.
(The scene fades.)
(The next scene has Greg at home. He’s going through his phone book and calling his friends. He’s trying to get them to go on the date with Linda.)
Greg (on the phone): Hello, Fred. What are you doing Friday night? How about going out on a double date? So what if she is a blind date, Fred? She’s Sandra’s cousin. according to heredity, she could look like…. Frankenstein didn’t have a cousin. Last chance, Fred, yes or no. Okay, I’m gonna give you one more chance. (His friend hangs up) Fred, Fred.
(Mike comes home and sees Carol, who is in the kitchen.)
Mike: Hi, honey.
Carol: Hi, honey.
Mike: Hi, sweetheart. (They kiss) Listen, I tried to phone you before I left the office. Who’s been on the phone?
Carol: The same person who’s still on the phone.
Mike: What’s the crisis?
Carol: Greg’s trying to get a blind date for his date’s cousin.
Mike: I was phoning to see about getting a date with you. How’s your Saturday night calendar?
Carol: Oh, well, I was planning to spend a quiet evening at home with my husband.
Mike: Oh, well, that sounds dull. How about something more romantic? Candlelight dinner, quiet dinner?
Carol: Are you getting fresh with me, fella?
Mike: Gee, if I’m not, I’m doing it all wrong.
Carol (laughing): You just got yourself a date.
Mike: Good. (He shows her a book) Now, all we have to do is brush up on this.
Carol: 10 easy steps to Spanish?
Mike: Mmm hmm.
Carol: Isn’t the menu in English?
Mike: No, we are entertaining Mr. Calderon and his wife from Mexico City. He is up here on a building deal with the company.
Carol: Oh, I get it. Now it’s a business meeting with tacos.
Mike: No, honey, listen, you can have a good time with them. They’re a wonderful couple.
Carol: Don’t they speak English?
Mike: Well, he does, but I’m not sure about his wife, so, I thought it would be a good idea to brush up on our Spanish to make her feel more at home.
Carol: But, honey, I haven’t spoken Spanish since college.
Mike: Well, neither have I. Shall we Habla Espanol together?
Carol: Well, I’ll habla with you anytime, senor.
(She puts a celery stick in his mouth while Greg is on the phone with another friend.)
Greg (annoyed): Switch dates with you if Linda turns out to be a dog? Thanks for nothing, Tom!
(He hangs up and the girls come downstairs to him.)
Marcia: No luck, huh?
Greg: To think I’d find one guy willing to go out on a blind date. There goes my date with Sandra.
Marcia: I wish there was something I can do, Greg.
Greg: Not unless you know a guy you can lend me for a night.
Marcia: I wish i did.
Jan: I wish I did, too.
Cindy: I would lend you one of my boyfriends, Greg. Except none of mine can stay out after dark.
(Cut to the boys’ room. Bobby is checking to see Peter’s facial hair.)
Bobby: I don’t see anything.
Peter: Then you better have your eyes checked, because they’re there. 5 hairs, count them. 5.
Bobby: Probably fuzz from the towel.
Peter (defensive): Oh yeah, feel them.
Bobby (feeling): Ouch! (He gets sarcastic) Well, you should have warned me, they’re so sharp.
(Bobby runs out. Greg comes by.)
Peter: Hey, Greg, got a second.
Greg: Yeah, sure.
Peter: Well, you see, I’m getting this trememdous beard.
Greg: You are?
Peter: Well, I was wondering if I could use your razor to shave.
Greg: Pete, you’re too young to be shaving.
Peter: Oh yeah, well I’m old enough to be doing a lot of things now.
(Greg stops for a second. He gets an idea and goes back to Peter.)
Greg: Pete.
Peter: Yeah.
Greg: You’ve given me an idea. (He checks him over) Maybe. Just maybe.
Peter: Maybe what?
Greg: Say hello, Linda.
Peter: Hello, Linda.
Greg: Now, say it lower.
(Peter scrouches down.)
Peter: Hello, Linda.
Greg: Quit clowning around. You know what I mean.
Peter (in a deeper voice): Hello, Linda.
Greg: Pete, I’m about to do you the biggest favor one brother can do for another.
Peter; What kind of favor?
Greg: Take you on a double date Friday night.
Peter (excited): A double date, with a girl and everything?
Greg: Not just a girl, buddy, I’m gonna fix you up with an older woman.
Peter: Yeah, how old?
Greg: 18.
Peter: Boy, an older woman! Hey, wait, I don’t have much money. Do they eat a lot?
Greg: Don’t worry about finances. I’m springing.
Peter: Hey, great. How come she would go out with your younger brother?
Greg: You’re not gonna be my younger brother. You see, she, wouldn’t go out with you. So you’re gonna be (Pause) Phil, Phil Packer. Some swinging guy from another high school.
Peter: That sounds terrific.
Greg: You’ll be a cool cat every chick in school’s after.
Peter: I am? Wow!
Greg: A legend in your own time.
Peter: I’ll have a great new image.
Greg: How about that?
Peter: I’m fantastic! (Pause) I’d even be better if I knew what to do.
Greg: Don’t worry, I’m gonna coach you. By Friday night you’ll be years ahead of any guy your age.
Peter: Greg, you’re more than a brother, you’re a friend. Imagine, me, Peter Brady, going out with an older woman.
Greg: Correction. Phil Packer’s the name.
Peter: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Phil. Hi, Linda, I’m Phil Packer.
(Next, Mike is in his den and Carol comes in speaking Spanish.)
Carol: Buenos noches, Miguel.
Mike: Hey, practicing up for Saturday night.
Carol: Si.
Mike: Good. Muy bien.
Carol: Yo tango good news.
Mike: Okay.
Carol: Our muchacho has solved his problemo.
Mike: Oh, fantastico. Which muchacho and which problemo.
Carol: Greg. I think he’s found a date for his novias prima.
Mike: Found a date for his girlfriend’s cousin.
Carol: Si. And the companero’s name is Felipe Packer.
(We take you to the kitchen. Alice is making breakfast and Bobby, Jan and Cindy come in to eat.)
Alice: Buenas dias, senor and senoritas.
All: Buenos dias.
Jan: How come we’re all speaking Spanish?
Alice: We’re practicing for your folks’ guests from Mexico. This is my first swing at Mexican cooking. (She takes the lid off the pan) Olay. The piece of resistance. As they say in the French quarter of Tijuana, huevos rancheros.
Cindy: They look like eggs.
Alice (serving): Huevos are eggs. I’m not sure what rancheros means. Go ahead and try it. One bite at a time.
Jan (gagging): It’s hot!
Bobby (breathless): It’s good.
(He takes a sip of orange juice.)
Alice: I guess in my case rancheros means flamethrower.
(She takes a bite.)
Alice: Now I like it.
(Next, Peter goes up to Greg’s room.)
Peter: Tonight’s the night, our big double date.
Greg: Yep, how about that?
Peter: It’s really gonna be tough concentrating in class.
Greg: Well, listen, just try and put it out of your mind. I don’t want you leaving your game in your locker room.
Peter: Boy, an older woman. Where are we gonna take them?
Greg: Drive-in movie.
Peter: Drive-in movie, what’s playing?
Greg: Who cares?
(He laughs.)
Peter: Yeah.
(They both laugh and the scene fades away.)
(The next scene has the guys going to pick up their dates. Peter is wearing a fake mustache.)
Peter (to Greg): This mustache was a good idea, huh.
Greg: Yeah, it makes you look a few years older. But remember, don’t say too much. Be the strong, silent type. That way you can’t make too many mistakes.
Peter: Okay. You never did tell me what Linda looks like.
Greg: Looks like? (Peter rings the bell to the house) Listen, to a dude like Phil Packer, it doesn’t make any difference. He treats them all alike. Get it?
Peter: Got it.
(Sandra opens the door.)
Sandra: Hi, Greg.
Greg: Hi, Sandra. I’d like you to meet Phil Packer.
Peter: Hi.
Sandra: Hi, Phil. (calling) Linda! Greg has told me a lot about you. Linda’s been looking forward to meeting you.
(Sandra comes out. She is a very beautiful young woman.)
Linda: Hi.
Sandra: Linda, I want you to meet Greg Brady and Phil Packer.
(Peter can’t help but stare at the gorgeous Linda.)
Peter: Hi.
Greg: Hi.
Linda: Which one of you is Phil?
Peter: Me. He’s Greg, I’m Phil. Right, Greg?
Greg: Yeah, right.
Sandra: We’ll get our things. Be right back, okay?
Peter (to Greg): Boy, you really know how to pick them.
(We take you to the drive-in movie they went to. The guys are coming back from the concession stand with popcorn and soft drinks.)
Peter: Linda’s the most beautiful woman I ever saw. I hope I don’t goof it up.
Greg: Take it easy, Pete. Play it cool. Do just what I do.
Peter: Got it.
(They get back in the car with the girls.)
Greg: Sorry it took so long.
Peter: It took a long time.
Greg: it’s kind of crowded.
Peter: A lot of people.
(Greg hands Sandra the popcorn.)
Greg: Enough butter on it?
Sandra: Plenty.
Peter (to Linda): Enough butter on it?
Linda: Yeah, it’s fine.
(Greg puts his arm around Sarah. Peter goes to do the same but accidentally knocks Linda’s popcorn over.)
Peter: Oh, I’m really sorry about that.
Linda: Phil, Phil.
Peter: I’m sorry.
Linda: It’s all right, Phil. Phil, Phil, it doesn’t matter. It’s alright.
Peter: Here, you can have mine.
Linda: Thank you.
(Greg and Sandra shrug. Greg smells Sandra’s perfume.)
Greg: What’s that wild scent you’re wearing?
Sandra: Exotica.
(Peter sniffs on Linda’s neck.)
Peter: What’s that wild scent you’re wearing?
Linda: Buttered popcorn.
Peter: I’m sorry about that.
Linda: Have some?
Peter: Thanks.
(Peter eats some popcorn but his mustache starts to fall off. Greg turns around and notices.)
Greg; Hey Phil, how about some of that popcorn, old buddy.
Peter: Hmm.
Greg (mumbling): Cover the mustache. (He motions for them to get out of the car) Why don’t we get come cold drinks or something. Be right back.
(They leave and Sandra turns around to Linda.)
Sandra: I don’t understand what’s the matter with Greg. He seems so different at school.
Linda: And I don’t understand what’s with his friend Phil. (She throws some popcorn out of the car) I never had a date like this before.
(They take the girls home after the movie is over.)
Sandra: Good night, Greg.
Greg: Good night.
Sandra: Hey, it was (Pause) fun.
Greg: Well, I hope so.
Sandra: It really was. Wasn’t it, Linda?
Sandra: Yeah, it was great. Thanks, Phil.
Peter: No sweat.
(He shakes her hand.)
Linda: Bye bye.
Peter: Bye.
Greg (to Sandra): Well, I‘ll see you at school on Monday.
Sandra: Good night.
Greg: Good night, and nice meeting you, Linda.
Linda: See ya.
Peter: Bye.
(The girls go inside and the guys walk a few feet from the door.)
Peter: How did I do?
Greg: Well, I’m not sure yet.
Peter: When will you be sure?
Greg: Monday, when I ask Sandra for another date.
Peter: Will you fix me up, too?
Greg: Pete, from now on, Phil Packer can find his own dates.
Peter: You’re right. After what I pulled off tonight, I’m ready to go solo.
(The girls are inside talking about their night out.)
Sandra: That was really a strange evening.
Linda: Did you catch that phony mustache on Phil?
Sandra: Did I, it was practically everywhere but under his nose.
Linda: I’ll bet he was only 15 or 16 years old at the most.
Sandra: I’m sure his name wasn’t Phil, either. (She realizes something) I could swear I heard Greg call him Pete once. You know what?
Linda: What?
Sandra: I think Greg has a brother named Peter. I’ll bet that’s who Phil was.
Linda: Why would Greg pull a gag like that.
Sandra: I have no idea, but one good gag deserves another. How would you like to get even?
Linda: Cousin, I’m with you.
(The next day, Greg and Peter are walking down the stairs and the phone rings. Peter answers.)
Peter: Hello. Who’s calling? Yeah, sure, hang on. Hey, Greg, it’s her, Sandra. Ask her how I did with Lnda.
Greg: Not unless she brings it up first. (He gets on the phone) Hi, Sandra.
Sandra (on the other line): Hello, Greg. I just had to call and tell you again what a wonderful time I had last night.
Greg: You really did?
Sandra: You were right, Phil’s too much. Linda hasn’t stopped talking about him.
Greg: Linda really liked Phil?
Sandra: She really did. She wants to know if the four of us can get together again. Like tonight.
Greg: Tonight? Well, Sandra, Phil may already have a date. But we can go out.
Sandra: I couldn’t go without Linda. And I really wanted to see you again. That is, if you want to see me.
Greg: How about in 20 minutes.
Sandra: What if Phil’s dated up?
Greg: I’ll get him to cancel it. I’m sure he can make it.
Sandra: Okay, bye.
Greg: Bye.
(He hangs up.)
Sandra (to Linda): I wish I could take a picture of Greg’s face when we’re falling all over Phil.
(They laugh. Back at the Brady house, Peter sees Marcia coming out of the den.)
Peter (lowering his voice): Hi, there.
Marcia: What happened to your voice?
Peter: Notihng, baby.
Marcia: Do you have a cold?
Peter: No, just devestating charm.
(She makes a weird face as we take you to the bathroom. Peter is putting on his fake mustache. Jan and Cindy are banging on the door.)
Cindy: Open up, Peter.
Jan: Are you gonna stay in there all night?
(He puts the mustache in his pockets and opens the door.)
Cindy: What took you so long?
Peter: I was shaving.
Jan: What? Your legs?
Peter: For your information, I got whiskers.
Jan (to Cindy): Yeah, I guess it took him all that time to find the one he’s got.
(The girls laugh.)
Peter: Very funny.
(He goes in the bedroom. Bobby comes in.)
Bobby: What are you all dressed up for?
Peter: I got a date.
Bobby: Who’s the unlucky girl?
Peter: What would you say if I told you I was taking out an older female?
Bobby: An older female what?
(Downstairs, Mike answers the door. It’s the Calderons.)
Mike: Ah, noches, Calderon.
(He shakes his hand.)
Mr. Calderon: Buenos noches, Mr. Brady.
Mrs. Calderon: Buenos noches, senor.
(They come in.)
Mike: Me casa, sue casa.
Mr. Calderon: Thank you very much.
Mike: Presente esposa, Carol.
Mrs. Calderon: Muy contenta deconocerte
Mr. Calderon: Very pleased to meet you.
Carol: Mucha gusta, Senor and Senorita Calderone.
Mr. Calderon: I am Juan, my wife, Maria.
Carol: I’m Carol, and this is Mike.
Mrs. Calderon: You speak Spanish very well.
Carol (flattered): Thank you, won’t you please sit down.
Mike: Yes, please.
Mrs. Calderon: Gracias.
Mike: Well, we’re seldom able to use our Spanish, and we thought, tonight was the perfect opportunity.
Mr. Calderon: It is the same with us for English. We have hoped to use it this evening.
Carol: Oh, you go right ahead. That’s a deal.
(Alice comes out with refreshments.)
Mike: Alice Nelson, Senor and Senorita Calderon.
(The Calderons issue pleasantries in Alice to Spanish.)
Alice: Tengo mucho gusto. That’s it for me in Spanish.
(She leaves.)
Mike: Well, we made reservations for this evening, but if there’s anytihng special you’d lke, it’s no trouble to change it.
Mrs. Calderon: Well, if you’re sure it’s no trouble.
Carol: Oh, no trouble at all. Honest.
Mr. Calderon: In that case, we would love to try one of your typical American dishes.
Mike: What’s that?
Mr. Calderon: Pizza.
Carol (laughing): Pizza? Really?
Mr. Calderon: Really.
Mike: You know, I don’t know whether I know a good pizza place or not.
Carol: No, not a good one. Let me see.
(The girls come by.)
Marcia: We do, Dad. Marioni’s is super.
Jan: We always go there.
Cindy: Yeah, Marioni’s has the greatest pizza.
Mike: Well, kids ought to know pizza. These are my daughters, Marcia, Cindy and Jan. Senor and Senorita Calderon.
Marcia: Hello.
Mr. Calderon: Gusto.
Marcia: We hope you enjoy your stay here in town.
Mr. Calderon: Gracias.
Mrs. Calderon: Thank you.
Jan: Nice meeting you.
Cindy: Nice talking to you.
Jan: Enjoy your pizza.
(They leave.)
Mr. Calderon: You have the most charming daughters.
Mrs. Calderon: One said that their children reflect their parents.
Carol: Thank you. We were reflected three more times with sons.
Mike: They’re out tonight. Well, if it’s pizza you want, then it’s pizza you shall have.
(Meanwhile, Peter, Greg and their dates are at that same restaurant.)
Peter (to Sandra and Lnda): Well, I cut to my right, and I cut to my left, then I ran the 100 yards for a touchdown.
Linda: That’s fantastic.
Sandra: What a run, Phil.
Greg: Yeah, too bad it all happened in a dream.
Sandra: You’re just jealous, Greg.
(Mike and Carol come in with the Calderons. A hostess shows them to their seat.)
Mike: Oh, that’s great.
Mrs. Calderon: This place is charming.
Carol: Smells good.
Mrs. Calderon: I know exactly what I want. I supersized pizza with what how do you say, the works.
Mr. Calderon: Make that two.
Mike: What’s Spanish for heartburn?
(Cut back to the other table. Linda and Sandra are heavily flirting with Peter.)
Linda: Phil, you are fantastic.
Sandra: I never kissed a fellow with a mustache before. Does it tickle?
Linda: You won’t find out. Phil’s with me, remember?
Sandra: He was with you?
Peter: Don’t fight, girls. They’re enough of me to go around.
Greg (fuming): I don’t get this.
(Mike is discussing business with Mr. Calderon at their table.)
Mike: I understand we’re having a meeting tomorrow morning on the preliminary plans.
Mr. Calderon: Yes, Mike. I wish to make a decision before we leave this weekend.
Mike: Good, good.
(Suddenly, Calderon notices the girls smooching Peter passionately. He gets disgusted.)
Carol: Is something wrong, Senor Calderone?
Mr. Calderone: Excuse me, but it is very embarassing.
Mike: What is?
Mr. Calderone: Those children. Necking, I should say. In public.
(Mike and Carol notice it is the boys. Greg notices his parents and panics.)
Greg: Pete!
(The girls accidentally rip his mustache off.)
Peter (embarassed): Oh, no.
Sandra: What’s the matter?
Greg: Only everything. Those are our parents.
Peter: Boy, do we have a lot of explaining to do to them.
Sandra: Boy, do we have a lot of explaining to do for you.
(Back home, Greg and Peter are anxiously awaiting their parents. They are worried about what consequences they may have to face.)
Greg: I hope we didn’t ruin Dad’s deal with Mr. Calderone.
Peter: Yeah, or our lives at home.
(Mike and Carol come in.)
Mike: Hi.
Greg: Hi.
Peter: Hi.
Carol: Hi.
Greg: Hi. (Pause) How did it go with Mr. Calderon?
Mike: Luckily, we’re still in business.
Peter: Oh, that’s a relief.
Greg: Good.
Carol: They didn’t exactly approve of your X-rated behavior, but they did admire the way you and the girls told the truth.
Greg: We’re really sorry about the whole thing.
Peter: Well, I really learned something. 1. You act your age. 2. You don’t try to be something you’re not. 3.
Carol: Yes.
Peter: Find out in advance which restaurant your Mom and Dad are going to, and go someplace else.
(He laughs. The parents give a serious look, then they laugh as well. The scene fades.)
(The final scene has Cindy waiting to get in the bathroom. Jan is in there.)
Cindy: I wonder what’s taking her so long.
Marcia: She says she has a date with an older man. She wants to make herself look older.
Cindy: I wonder how she’s gonna do that.
Jan (from inside the bathroom): Does this make me look any older.
(She opens the door with the mustache Peter used. They all laugh.)
THE END
Brady Bunch Scriptman 