S5 E6 Getting Greg’s Goat

Getting Greg’s Goat

Written by Tam Spiva

Greg steals a goat from a rival school and hides it in his room. I hope you enjoy the script.











MR. BINCKLEY, Greg’s vice principal

MRS. GOULD, Carol’s friend and PTA member

SELMA, another PTA member

(The episode begins with Greg coming home one night. He turns on the light, then goes back to the door.)

Greg: Come on, Raquel. Everyone’s asleep. There’s nothing to worry about.

(Inside comes a goat. It is wearing a banner that says Coolidge High School. Greg sneaks it up the stairs and to his room.)

Greg: We made it. (The goat makes a bleat) Shh, anyone finds you up here, I’m in big, big trouble.

(He pets the goat and the scene fades.)

(The next morning, Greg wakes up and sees the goat eating his homework.)

Greg: Not my American history report. (He takes it and picks it up) You’ve eaten the Boston Tea Party. Not my tennis shoe. What are you planning for dessert? My mattress? (The goat makes another bleat) I better get downstairs and get you some people food before you eat me out of this room. Keep it cool, huh.

(Downstairs, Alice is in the kitchen making pancakes. She flips one on a plate.)

Alice: Good catch, Alice. Two more like that and you can retire the side.

Carol: Oh, Alice, those smell delicious.

Alice: Well, it’s your flapjack recipe.

Carol: Yes, but you do the flapping. (Greg comes down) Hey, I didn’t feel any shaking.

Greg: What shaking?

Carol: Huh, it would take an earthquake to get you up this early on Saturday.

Greg: Oh yeah, well, you know with the game and all tonight, I really couldn’t sleep. I’m so hungry, I could eat an elephant.

Alice: With the price of meat, we all might have to.

(He takes a whole bunch of food and puts it on a tray to bring upstairs.)

Greg: You know, I think I’ll just take this up to my room. Study some plays for the game.

Carol: Are you planning to eat all that or are you gonna open your own restaurant.

Greg: Don’t worry, Mom, not an ounce of it will go to waste.

Mike (coming in the kitchen): Good morning, good morning.

Carol: Hi, honey.

(He notices Greg’s huge supply of food.)

Mike: You got to be kidding.

Greg: I need energy for the game tonight.

Mike: Speaking of the game, (he takes out the newspaper) I see by the newspaper, that the Coolidge High School boys swiped your Westdale mascot.

Greg: Yeah, our bear cub.

Carol: Those pranks are so silly.

Mike: Well, I’m surprised your school took it lying down because in my day, we would have gone right out and stolen theirs.

Greg (surprised): You would?

Mike: I did.

Carol: You didn’t.

Mike: I did.

Greg: The old school spirit, Mom.

Mike: Yeah, well, not according to the boys’ vice-principal.

Greg: You got caught?

Mike: I got suspended from school for a week.

Carol (laughing): You deserved it.

Greg: No, you were just getting even with the other team.

Mike: Well, maybe your mother’s right, Greg. Considering the suspension, it was a pretty dumb trick.

Carol: You know, I think kids today are too grown up to get involved in such childish behavior.

Greg: Yeah, yeah.

(He goes upstairs and Carol offers Mike some pancakes.)

Carol: You want one, Mike.

Mike: Thank you.

(Cut to upstairs. Bobby is washing his face in the bathroom.)

Bobby (to Peter): What happened to all the towels?

Peter: I don’t know, but it’s wash day. Try the linen closet.

(Bobby finds a towel in the closet, but hears Greg’s voice through the air bin.)

Greg: Boy, you sure do have an appetite. (Bobby starts to suspect) Not so fast, slow down, you want to get indigestion. (We cut into the room) Easy does it, that’s better. (He takes the food) All right, that’s it. No more food till lunchtime. If I keep raiding the refrigerator downstairs, they’ll get suspicious.

Peter (coming in the closet): I thought you were getting a towel.

Bobby: Sh. Come in here.

Peter: What are you doing?

Bobby: Close the door. (He closes) Did you know you can hear everything from Greg’s room in here, from the air bin?

Peter: That’s an invasion of privacy.

Bobby: You mean we can’t listen?

Peter: I didn’t say that, I just said it was an invasion of privacy.

(They take a step ladder and put their ears by the air bin.)

Bobby: Greg’s got somebody up in his room.

Peter: Yeah, who?

Bobby: Someone who’s real hungry.

(They hear Greg’s voice.)

Greg: You feel better now, Raquel?

Bobby: Raquel?

Peter: Greg’s got a girl up there.

Bobby: Wow. What do we do?

Peter: Keep listening.

(Jan and Cindy go inside the closet.)

Peter: What are you two doing in here?

Jan: Where do you expect us to go for a wash cloth?

Cindy: What are you doing in here?

Bobby: Who, us? Oh, we’re just in here shooting the breeze.

Jan: Inside the closet, on a ladder?

Cindy: You two are up to something.

Bobby: Well, to tell you the truth, we are.

Jan: What?

Bobby: Well, you tell them, Pete.

Peter: Uh, well, uh, remember that science project I was working on for school?

Jan and Cindy: No.

Peter: Oh, well, anyway, uh, uh, my snake got loose and it’s in this closet.

Bobby: Yeah. (pointing) Hey, there it is.

(The girls scream and run away.)

Greg (to Raquel): Hey, msybe you’d like a little guitar music.

(He starts to play but then hears a knock at the door.)

Greg: Who is it?

Marcia: It’s Marcia. Mom wants to know if you got anything to go to the cleaners. (Greg takes Raquel and puts her in the bathroom. Marcia hears Raquel bleat) Greg, is there somebody up there with you?

Greg: Nobody.

Marcia: Are you sure?

Greg; Yes.

Marcia: I can’t wait all day.

Greg: All right, Marcia. All right. (to himself) You may as well know. (He goes to let her in while Racquel gets on his bed) Sh, come on in. I guess I can trust you.

Marcia: Huh? Trust me about what? (She sees Raquel and gets surprised) A goat?

Greg: Meet Raquel.

Marcia: Wow! Hey, that’s Coolidge High’s mascot.

Greg: Right. Westdale had a revenge raid.

Marcia: She’s cute. But why did you bring her here?

Greg: There was no place else to hide her until after the game tonight. At least no place that would be safe.

Marcia: Mom and Dad are not gonna be too thrilled about a hot goat.

Greg: They better not find out, if you get the point.

Marcia: I’ll do my part, but you better tell Raquel to keep her mouth shut too.

Greg: Close the door on your way out. (She leaves) Listen, Raquel, I’ll share my breakfast with you but not my bed.

(Marcia goes down the stairs and sees Alice.)

Marcia: Hi.

Alice: Is Greg still in his room?

Marcia: Why do you ask?

Alice: I just want to change his linen and straighten things up a little.

Marcia: Oh no, not now, Alice.

Alice: Why?

Marcia: Greg’s sort of busy. Maybe you better not bother him just now.

Alice: Oh, something for school?

Marcia: Yes, as a matter of fact, it does have to do with school. It’s a real hairy problem.

Alice: Okay, I’ll leave it till later.

(Alice goes into the same linen closet and overhears Greg speaking to Raquel.)

Greg: Now listen, young lady, be a good girl or else.

Alice: I better get a grip on my ears.

Mike (coming by): Were you talking to me?

Alice: No, I wasn’t, but I could’ve sworn the closet was talking to me.

Greg: You want your ears rubbed? Aww, that feel good. Look, Raquel, you had a pretty rough night. Why don’t you take a nap.

(Mike knocks on the attic door.)

Mike (calling): Greg.

Greg: Yes, sir.

Mike: I want to see you in my den.

Greg: Just give me a couple of minutes, Dad.

Mike: Your couple of minutes were up a couple of minutes ago.

(We take you to Mike’s den, where Mike gives Greg a lecture.)

Mike: Greg, I want to talk to you.

Greg: Yes, sir.

Mike: It’s about Raquel.

Greg (annoyed): Raquel?

Mike: Never find how I found out about it. The point is, she’s in your room, isn’t she.

Greg: Yes, sir.

(He sits down.)

Mike (upset): Greg, your mother and I never questioned your right to privacy, but, I mean, this is carrying things a little too far. Why did you do that?

Greg: I figured I could sneak Raquel in last night and get her out without anyone finding out.

Mike (annoyed): You mean she’s been here all night?

Greg: Dad, I was stuck. There was no place else I could take her.

Mike: Oh, I am trying very hard to be understanding and I’m losing!

Greg: Okay, Dad. I never should’ve gotten mixed up with a beast like that.

Mike: Son, that is a dreadful thing to say about a girl, no matter what she looks like!

Greg (surprised): A girl? Dad, I think we may have a communication gap going here. Raquel is a goat.(Mike is ready to blow off steam) As in nanny. You know, nah.

Mike (surprised): A goat? You mean a goat, goat?

Greg (laughing): You mean you thought I…

Mike: Sure did.

(Greg laughs some more.)

Greg: Oh, no.

Mike (laugihng): Why didn’t you say so in the first place?

Greg: You sounded like you knew.

Mike (suddenly serious): The next question is why are you running a motel for goats?

Greg: Well, it’s a special goat. It’s Coolidge High mascot.

Mike: You didn’t, did you? Yeah,well, (he sits with Greg) That wasn’t the brightest move in the world, son.

Greg: You said you did the same thing in school.

Mike: But I didn’t say it wasn’t stupid. I also said it was wrong. If you want to know how wrong, you wait till your mother finds out.

Greg: Does she have to know?

Mike: Greg, you have to return Raquel, no way out.

Greg: I know, but couldn’t I do it kind of slowly. Like, after the game tonight.

Mike: No, look, son.

Greg: Dad, I’m in such a bind. If the guys find out, they’ll kill me. It’s just for a couple of hours.

(He gives Mike a pleading look.)

Mike: Well, okay, but just till after the game tonight.

Greg; Thanks, Dad. You’re terrific.

(He gets up and leaves.)

Mike (to himself): If your mother finds out, you, me and Raquel might be roommates.

(Later, Mike is on the phone.)

Mike: Yeah, George, I’m just finishing the plans now. I’ll drop them off later. Right, good bye.

(Carol comes in the room.)

Carol: Honey, can we postpone our shopping until later?

Mike: Oh, sure, I have to get these plans out anyway. Where are you going?

Carol: To an emergency PTA meeting. I just got a call from one of the ladies.

Mike: Yeah, what’s the emergency?

Carol: Well, they think this mascot stealing business has gone completely out of hand. Now, Westdale High has stolen Coolidge’s mascot.

Mike: No.

Carol: Yeah, well, we got to try to do something about it.

Mike: Well, honey, I think the ladies are making more out of this than it really deserves.

Carol: No, it isn’t just the ladies. Mr. Binckley, the boys’ vice-principal, he’s up in arms too. He’s even giving up his Saturday just to come to this meeting.

Mike: Do they have an idea who the guilty guys are?

Carol: No, but, when Mr. Binckley finds out, he intends to make an example for the entire student body.

Mike: Oh, great.

Carol: Well, thank goodness our boys aren’t mixed up in it. (She kisses hius cheek) I’ll see you later.

Mike (to himself): Yeah, thank goodness.

(We see a shot of Raquel in the attic as the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike helping Greg clean up a mess made by Raquel in his room.)

Mike: Well, that’s the way it is, son. There’s a vigilante committee out to get everybody connected with this missing mascot.

Greg: And my own mother is one of the posses.

Mike: And worse, your vice-principal is the leader of the pack.

Greg (sititng down): Yeah, Mr. Binckley. Looks like I’m the one who’s the goat, Raquel. (She bleats) You can say that again.

(She lets out another bleat.)

Mike: You know, Greg, there may be a way out of this if you act fast enough. Because the Coolidge High school guys are in the same predicament as you Westdale guys, right?

Greg: Right.

Mike: Okay, I would think thye would be in the mood for compromise.

Greg: How do you mean compromise?

Mike: Both sides go from swiping to swapping.

Greg: Swipe the mascots back again?

Mike: Yeah, that way the heat’s off. I mean, well, provided you don’t get caught swapping.

Greg: That’s a great idea, Dad. You have a fantastic criminal mind. (Mike agrees) I’ll get ahold of the Coolidge guys right away, and arrange for a secret prisoner exchange.

Mike: Good.

Greg: Okay to borrow the car?

Mike: I have to deliver a set of plans. You come on, I’ll take you.

Greg: Thanks. (to Raquel) You take it easy until we get back.

(Next, Peter and Bobby go into the linen closet to see if they can hear more about Raquel.)

Peter (to Bobby): All clear, come on.

(They go into the closet.)

Bobby: I don’t hear anything, maybe Greg’s out.

(They suddenly hear her trotting around the floor.)

Peter: Sounds like those high heels women wear. It must be Raquel.

(They now hear it double.)

Bobby: Sounds like four high heels.

Peter: Greg’s got two girls stashed up there? What an operator.

(Raquel bleats again.)

Bobby: One of those girls sure has a funny voice.

(They hear her bleat once more.)

Peter: That’s no girl.

Bobby: Doesn’t even sound like a person.

(Another bleat comes out.)

Peter: Let’s go take a look.

(They go up to the attic. They find the rope Raquel was on, which is busted. They see Raquel in the bathroom.)

Bobby: A goat.

Peter: The Coolidge High mascot. Greg must’ve been one of the guys who lifted it.

Bobby: Greg’s gonna be famous.

Peter: You mean expelled.

(She runs out of the room.)

Bobby: Hey, come back here.

Peter: Come back.

Bobby: Come back.

Peter: Come back.

(They run after her down the stairs. The girls are going up the stairs and see the goat.)

Cindy: What’s that?

Jan: It’s a goat!

Peter: Raquel!

Bobby: Come back!

(They cause a little commotion as the guys persuade the girls to go after Raquel. Alice hears them calling her.)

Alice (to herself): Raquel?

(She runs out and through the back fence with the kid sin pursuit. Meanwhile, Carol and the PTA members come in through the front door.)

Carol: Come on in, ladies.

Mrs. Gould: I wouldn’t have said that.

Selma: You did, though. You did.

Carol: Make yourselves right at home.

Mrs. Gould and Selma: Thank you.

Carol (calling): Alice.

Mrs. Gould: Oh, what a lovely home you have, Mrs. Brady.

Selma: Carol, did you get new chairs?

Carol: No, we just had them cleaned.

Selma: Oh, they look great.

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: Oh, hi, Mrs. Brady, Mrs. Tingle. What happened to your PTA meeting?

Selma: Hi, Alice. We had to switch houses.

Mrs. Gould: I forgot the painters were coming today.

Carol: Alice, could you get us some tea, please.

Alice: Tea and cookies coming right up.

(Greg and Mike come back.)

Greg: That’s great. I’m glad the guys from Coolidge High were as anxious to stay out of trouble as we were.

Mike: Yeah, all we have to do is get Raquel to the park and change with that bear cub.

Greg: Great, Mom’s at the P.T.A. meeting and I’ll have a chance to get Raquel out.

(Meanwhile, Carol and the ladies are in the living room chatting.)

Selma: Oh, your house is furnished so beautifully, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Oh, would you like to see the rest of it before Mr. Binckley gets here?

Mrs. Gould: I’d love to.

(Mike and Greg come in.)

Carol (to Mike): Oh, hi, dear. Ladies, this is the man who designed the house, my husband, Mike (she kisses him) and my son Greg.

Mike: Well, uh, what happened to the P.T.A. meeting?

Carol: We had a last minute switch of houses. But you timed your entrance perfectly. The ladies were just wanting to see the house.

Mike: Oh, that’s just, fine, fine.

Greg (abruptly): Don’t show them my room, because I forgot to clean it up and it’s a mess. A big mess.

Mike: Well, we understand that, Greg. Well, would you like to see the garage? (They scuff) No, I suppose not. Well, how about my den?

Carol: Great, this way, ladies (The bell rings) Greg, would you get the door, honey, thank you.

Greg: Um, okay.

Carol: He doesn’t let us in here very often.

(Greg answers the door and it’s Mr. Binckley.)

Mr. Binckley: Hello, Gregory.

Greg: Uh, hi, hi, Mr. Binckley.

Mr. Binckley: I’ve already been to Mrs. Gould’s house. I hope there hasn’t been another change of meeting place.

Greg: Oh, yes sir. I mean, no sir. It’s here.

Mr. Binckley: May I come in?

Greg: Oh, sure, come on in.

Mr. Binckley: I presume you heard why we’re meeting.

Greg: Something about school mascots?

Mr. Binckley: Stolen mascots. Youngsters must learn to respect one another’s property. Today it’s goats and bears. Tomorrow it’s liable to be cars and even worse.

Greg: Oh, yes sir, yes sir, I couldn’t agree with you more. Well, they’re in the den here, if you just folow me.

(Meanwhile, Raquel heads back to the house. Alice sees it running through the kitchen. Greg sees it going up the stairs and abruptly shuts the door as everyone is about to leave the den.)

Mike: I’d like to show you the kitchen. (Greg pushes him back) Back in the den. (He opens it again) Get the goat.

(Greg runs upstairs and looks for the goat.)

Greg: Raquel.

(Carol and the rest of the party leave the den.)

Carol: Come on, now I’ll show you the upstairs.

Mike: Honey, what about the kitchen, that’s your pride and joy.

Carol: I’m saving that for last.

Mike: Yes, but you have an important meeting and I’m sure Mr. Binckley doesn’t have time for the grand tour.

Carol: It’ll only take a moment, Mr. Binckley.

Mr. Binckley: Very well.

Carol (to Mike): See.

Mike: Wait a minute, I’ll lead the way.

Carol: Come on, everybody!

(Greg is upstairs looking for Raquel.)

Greg: Raquel.

(She runs form one room to another. Greg runs after her. Mike, Carol and their party come upstairs.)

Mike: Three bedrooms up here and one upstairs. (They compliment the color co-ordination of the hallway) The two youngest boys have the room on the right. (He looks inside and sees Greg chasing Raquel) All clear of boys.

(They enter the boys’ room. Greg catches Raquel and lifts her.)

Greg: That’s a good girl, Raquel. Just keep it cool.

(He hears Carol and then sneaks into the closet, with Raquel.)

Carol: And this bathroom was designed for both of us and the girls. (They go out in the hall) And now, I’d like you to see what I think every house should have. And that is, a walk-in, linen closet. (She opens the door and they all see Greg and Raquel) You seen one linen closet, you seen them all, right? Right?

Mike: Why don’t you show them the master bedroom.

Carol: Ah, ah, the master bedroom, right. (She leads them to their room then gets mad at Mike) You knew all about this, didn’t you.

Mike: I’ll explain it later.

(Carol makes an angry noise to him, then joins the others. Mike opens the door and talks to Greg.)

Mike: I’ll stall in the master bedroom, get rid of the goat.

Greg: I’m trying to.

(Mike walks away. Greg tries to sneak Raquel away but they run into Alice. Greg loses his grip on Raquel.)

Alice: That’s the second goat I’ve seen today.

(Raquel runs into the master bedroom. The P.T.A. members get scared.)

Greg: My goat!

(Raquel runs into Carol and Mike’s bathroom.)

Carol: Close the door.

(Selma and the other P.T.A. shut it. They accidentally slam it in Alice’s face.)

Alice: Mrs. Brady!

(Greg comes out of the bathroom with the shower curtains.)

Carol (screaming): Greg! Those are my shower curtains!

Greg: I know! I know!

Carol: Where’s the goat?

Greg: She’s in the bathtub!

Mike: Well, go get it!

(He runs into the bathroom. Mrs. Gould seeks refuge in their closet. Raquel gets on the bed.)

Carol (angry): That’s my good spread!

Mike: I’ll get it.

Carol: Be careful, Mike.

(He gets on the bed to get Raquel off. Greg shoves her into the closet.)

Mr. Binckley: Gregory, Mrs. Gould is in the closet.

(He opens the door and an extremely frightened Mrs. Gould emerges. Mike goes over with flowers.)

Mike: Wait a minute, open it up.

(He gives Raquel the flowers to snff on.)

Mr. Bickley: I hope you have a good explanation for this, Gregory.

Greg: I hope so, too.

Mr. Binckley: But I doubt it.

Greg: I doubt it, too.

(Later, the P.T.A. members are leaving.)

Mrs. Gould: Thanks for a lovely time, I think.

Carol: Oh, come back.

Selma: Carol, next time I’m gonna bring my trap shoes.

Carol: Okay, Selma, so long.

(The other P.T.A. woman says good-bye.)

Carol: Good bye, thank you.

Mr. Binckley: Mr. Brady, I want to commend you for having acted so quickly to effect the mascot exchange. (to Greg) And as for you, young man.

Greg: Yes, sir.

Mr. Binckley: I think a 5,000 word essay on the evils of mascot stealing is an order.

Greg: 5,000 words?

Carol: Greg, I think Mr. Binckley is being very generous.

Greg: Oh yes, very generous. Thank you, sir.

Mr. Binckley: Well, haven’t you better run along, Gregory. You have an appointment, to return that goat.

Greg: The goat, where is she? Raquel.

(He runs.)

Carol: Ohh, my poor house.

Mike: Boy, time sure has changed. I did the same thing when I was a kid and I got suspended for a week.

Mr. Binckley: I was suspended for an entire month.

(He and Mike shake hands and Mr. Binckley leaves. The scene fades away.)

(The final scene has Carol and Alice cleaning Greg’s room from the effects of Raquel.)

Alice: That ought to do it, Mr. Brady.

Carol: Boy, Alice, i tell you, goats may be easy on the eyes but the sure are hard on the nose.

Alice: I’m glad Raquel is gone back where she belongs.

Greg: Yes, but the memory linger son.

(He shows them a pair of jeans, which Raquel chewed a hole in. Carol laughs and sprays it.)


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