Marcia Gets Creamed
Written by Bill Freedman and Ben Gershman
Marcia gets her first job but loses it to Jan. I hope you like the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
MIKE BRADY
CAROL BRADY
ALICE NELSON
GREG BRADY
MARCIA BRADY
PETER BRADY
JAN BRADY
BOBBY BRADY
CINDY BRADY
MR. HASKELL, owner of ice cream hut
JEFF, Marcia’s boyfriend
(The episode begins with Greg driving in with Mike’s car. He realizes the car needs to be cleaned so he starts to wipe off the hood. Peter comes home on his bike in a sour mood.)
Greg: Hi, Pete. (Pete parks the bike) Struck out again, huh.
Peter: I’ll be as old as you before I find a job.
Greg: Why don’t you become a brain surgeon. They make lots of loot. (He laughs but Peter doesn’t) Hang in there, something’s bound to turn up.
Peter: But I need a stereo tape deck with four speakers right now.
(Marcia comes home.)
Marcia: Hey! Wait till you hear what just happened!
Greg: Yeah.
Marcia: On the way to the library, I was passing Haskell’s Ice Cream hut. And Mr. Haskell was putting up a sign on the window. Help wanted, part time.
Peter: (excited): Wow, thanks, Marcia. (He gets on his bicycle) I better get right down there.
Marcia: It’s too late.
Peter (stopping): What?
Marcia: The job’s already taken.
Peter: By who?
Marcia: Me.
Peter: You?
Marcia: Sure. (Peter gets very upset) Isn’t anybody gonna congratulate me?
Greg: Well, I will, but I wouldn’t count too heavy on Peter.
Marcia: Why?
Peter: I’ve been looking for a job all week.
Marcia: I’m sorry, Pete. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time.
Peter: Yeah, sure.
Marcia: There’s Jan (calling) Jan! Wait till I tell her the good news.
Peter (disgusted): I don’t get it. I wear out a pair of bike tires looking for a job all over town, and one falls right in her lap. Some people get all the luck.
(He throws his bike into the garage in frustration. We hear a crashing sound. The scene fades out.)
(The next scene has Bobby and Cindy polishing Marcia’s shoes.)
Bobby: How’s that?
Cindy: Make them shinier.
(Marcia comes in the room.)
Marcia: What are you two doing to my shoes?
Cinmdy: We’re polishing them.
Marcia: Why?
Bobby: To show you how much we appreciate you.
Marcia: This wouldn’t have anytihng to do with my new job, would it?
Cindy: What new job?
Bobby: We don’t know anything about Marcia having a new job, do we, Cindy?
Cindy: No.
Marcia: Oh, it’s gonna be very exciting. You see, I get to work in a hardware store.
Bobby (shocked): Hardware store?
Cindy: We thought you were working in an ice cream parlor.
Marcia (laughing): Didn’t know anything about it, huh?
Bobby: Well, we might have heard a rumor.
Cindy: And if you think we’re polishing your shoes just for free ice cream…
Bobby: You’re absolutely right.
(Downstairs, Carol and Alice are preparing to serve dinner. Mike comes in.)
Mike: Mmm hmm, how long before dinner?
Carol: Not long now.
(Alice takes some carrots and lettuce out of the refrigerator.)
Alice: Here’s something for me right now, carrots and lettuce. I’m beginning to get pink eyes and a twitchy little nose. Meat is but a memory.
Mike: Remember what I said, Alice. Will power, it’s all in the head.
Carol: Oh no, honey, that’s not where it’s at.
Alice: You’re way off target, Mr. Brady. (She starts patting her hips) I guess dieting is just easier for some people than it is others.
Mike: For me it would be a cinch. Fortunately, I don’t have to because I have not gained an ounce since college.
Carol (disbelieving): Not an ounce, huh.
Mike: Nope, not an ounce.
(He starts eating a biscuit they made for dinner.)
Carol: How long has it been since you weighted yourself?
Mike: I don’t have to weigh myself. I can feel it.
Carol: Mmm hmm, Alice, the scale please.
Mike: what are you doing with a scale in the kitchen?
Alice: That’s to keep me semi-honest. Whenever I feel like cheating on my diet, I weigh myself. But then I cheat anyway.
(She sets the scale down.)
Carol (to Mike): Come on, on the scale.
Mike: Oh, honey, what’s the point? I told you, not an ounce.
Carol: Oh, you’re just chicken.
Mike: I’m not chicken.
Alice: Please don’t talk about food.
Carol: Come on, on the scale. (He steps on) there you go. (They check to see what his weight is) You’re right, you haven’t gained an ounce, you gained seven pounds.
Alice: Exactly.
Mike: Wait a minute. You gotta allow for my clothes.
Carol: All right, we’ll allow about four pounds for clothes. You still have three extra pounds.
Mike: What’s three pounds? Listen, if I want to, I can lose it like that.
Alice: Oh, if I could lose it like that, (she snaps her fingers) I’d be a Spanish dancer.
Carol: Honey, why don’t you show Alice how it’s done.
Mike: What?
Carol: Will power. (She takes his biscuit) Remember?
Alice: Oh, Mr. Brady, it would be so much easier if we were both on a diet.
Mike: Yeah, but what about dinner? I mean, the pot roast, the buttered noodles and the biscuits.
Carol (handing him the carrots and lettuce): Have a bag of will power.
(Mike takes the bag and shakes it. We next see Marcia answering the door. It’s her boyfriend, Jeff.)
Jeff: Hi.
Marcia: Hi, come on in.
Jeff: Thanks, but I just stopped by for a minute.
Marcia: Oh, okay. (She goes outside with him to talk) Hi.
Jeff: Hi, listen, about tomorrow, do you want to meet me at the tennis court or should I pick you up?
Marcia: I’m sorry Jeff, but I’ll have to break our date. Tomorrow I start a new job at Haskell’s Ice Cream hut.
Jeff: Yeah, but I reserved the court and everything.
Marcia: I’m just as disappointed as you are. But you know what they say, business before pleasure.
Jeff: Yeah, that’s what they say.
Marcia: Look, why don’t you make a reservation for us to play some night. I get off work at 6.
Jeff: Yeah, okay, I’ll be in touch.
Jeff: Okay.
Marcia: Okay, good bye.
(He leaves and Marcia goes inside. Next, Mike comes in the kitchen for breakfast.)
Mike: Boy, am I famished. That little bag of vegetables last night didn’t go very far.
Carol: Alice, Mr. Brady is famished.
Alice: Breakfast coming right up.
Mike: I will have my eggs likely basted.
Alice (putting it in front of him): Breakfast is served, Mr. Brady.
Mike: What’s that?
Carol: Breakfast.
Mike (surprised): Dry toast and coffee? (They both nod) It isn’t enough to keep a hummingbird alive.
Carol: It is if the hummingbird has willpower. (He reaches for cream) Ah, ah, cream is a no-no.
Mike: Well, that figures.
(He reaches for jam.)
Alice: And jam is a double no-no.
Mike: Is there anything around here thta’s a yes-yes? (Alice shakes her head no) I would settle for a maybe-maybe. (Carol hands him a bag) What’s this?
Alice: Lunch.
Mike: Since when do i take my lunch to work?
Carol: Since you stepped on that scale.
(Mike looks inside the bag.)
Mike: An apple, two crackers and a little piece of cheese?
Alice: That’s a full ounce of cheese.
Mike (frustrated): How did I get into this?
Carol: You and your big fat willpower.
(Cut to the ice cream parlor. Marcia serves Bobby and Cindy.)
Marcia: Here you are.
Bobby: We can get cones this big any place in town.
Marcia: You only paid for a single scoop.
Cindy: Yes, but we’re relatives.
Mr. Haskell: Marcia, look at those skimpy cones. That’s no way to treat the family. (to the kids) Let me have them. Give me the cones, here, I’ll take care of them. (He gives them each another scoop) Here you are, kids, live a little.
Cindy: Thanks.
Bobby: From now on, you get all our business.
Marcia: Kids, why don’t you go sit at the table.
(Meanwhile, Mr. Haskell makes a cone for Alice, who is trying in vain to fight for will power.)
Mr. Haskell: For you, compliments of the house.
Alice: No thanks, Mr. Haskell, I’m on a diet.
Mr. Haskell: it’s my newset creation, pineapple raspberry rhapsody.
Alice: Use your will power, Alice.
Mr. Haskell: Come on, one spoonful, you’ll love it.
Alice: Remember your diet, Alice. (He waves it in her face) Remember your hips, Alice. (to the kids) I’ll wait for you kids outside.
(Later on, Jeff comes down to the parlor to see Marcia.)
Jeff: Hi, how’s it going?
Marcia: Hi, busy, but I love it.
Jeff: I hope you have enough strength for our tennis date tonight.
Marcia: I’ve got the strength but I don’t have the time.
Jeff: I thought you said you get off at 6.
Marcia: I do, but this job’s put me behind schedule and I’ve got to write a book report.
Jeff: Wow, between this job and school, there’s no time left for me.
Marcia: I’m sorry, Jeff, just as soon as I get caught up, we’ll have lots of time together. (A customer walks in) Excuse me, okay. (to the customer) I’ll be right with you.
(Back home, Peter is still trying to find a job.)
Greg: How’s the job hunting?
Peter: Zero. I devoted nine years of my life to education and all I’m qualified to do is fill out job applications.
(We take you back to the ice cream hut. Mr. Haskell is having trouble sweeping the floor.)
Mr. Haskell: I don’t know what got into this broom. Twenty years ago it swept by itself. It glides and it’s stiff.
Marcia: Mr. Haskell, maybe it’s not the broom. You’re here morning, noon and night. Why don’t you slow down a little.
Mr. Haskell: Marcia, in the ice cream business when you slow down, you melt. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should take afternoons off. Find a hobby.
Marcia: Good idea.
Mr. Haskell: So, where am I gonna find a helper as good as you?
Marcia: Well, I know someone very much like me, and he does need a job.
Mr. Haskell: Someone close to you?
Marcia: Close enough to be my brother. In fact, he is my brother.
Mr. Haskell: Good, if one Brady is good, two are better. Effective immediately, you are in charge of the afternoon shift.
Marcia (thrilled): Me? Thanks.
Mr. Haskell: Well, here goes my first afternoon off in 20 years. I’m gonna relax even if it kills me.
(Marcia gets on the phone. Next, we see Peter down at the ice cream hut, helping Marcia.)
Peter: Marcia, you’re the gretaest, most fantastic sister a guy ever had.
Marcia: Thanks, but let’s not overdo it.
Peter: No, I’m serious, you’re super. You’re making it possible for me to get the new stereo tape deck.
(Peter takes a lick of an ice cream cone he made.)
Marcia: Well.
Peter: Well what?
Marcia: Aren’t you gonna finish wiping the counter?
Peter: Sure, right after I take an ice cream break.
(He takes out a comic book and reads it, much to Marcia’s chagrin. Next, Peter sweeps and puts the mess under one of the tables.)
Marcia: Peter, what do you think you’re doing?
Peter: Who looks under the table?
Marcia: I do.
Peter: Be my guest.
(He sits down and leaves Marcia to do the sweeping. She angrily tells him to put up his feet so she can get it. He is next on the phone.)
Peter: That’s right, Kevin. I’m a real working man now. You ought to try it sometime.
Marcia: Peter, you have been on that phone all afternoon.
Peter (ignoring her): Uh-huh.
Marcia: Come on, we got work to do.
Peter (to Marcia): I can’t cut Kevin off in the middle. It wouldn’t be polite. (back on the phone) what were you saying, Kevin?
Marcia (upset): Now look, I am not kidding! Get off that phone now!
Peter: Got to go, Kevin. Okay, I’ll see you. (He hangs up) What’s the big hassle?
Marcia: You and your goofing off. Now how about helping me dust under this shelf.
Peter: Oh yeah, sure. Just don’t get so shook. I’ll get on it right away. Just as soon as I make one more phone call.
(Next, Marcia serves a customer.)
Marcia: Thank you.
(She wipes the counter and then notices Peter sitting down listening to the radio. She angrily rushes over to him and turns it off.)
Peter: Hey, what did you do that for? There’s 2 minutes to go and the team is on the one yard line.
Marcia: Peter Brady, you’re fired!
Peter (shocked): Fired?
Marcia: Fired!
(She takes his hat and storms off. Peter is absolutley clueless about the situation as the scene fades.)
(The next scene has Peter at home. He and Bobby are in the bathroom and he tells Bobby about what happened.)
Peter (bitterly): For no reason at all, from right out of left field, she fired me.
Bobby: What a rotten thing to do to your own brother.
Peter: That’s what you get when you give small people power. They can’t handle it.
(Marcia knocks on the door.)
Marcia: Are you gonna be in there all night?
Bobby: Dictator!
Marcia (entering): You brainwashed Bobby!
Peter: No, I didn’t. I told him the truth. You fired me because you’re power hungry.
Marcia: I fired you because you are lazy and you deserved it!
Peter: You know what you are? A company stooge!
Marcia: What’s the use?
(She goes into her room. Peter follows.)
Peter: Okay, run away from the truth, you Captain Bligh dictator!
Marcia: And you’re a capital G goofoff!
(Carol comes in the room.)
Carol: All right, you two kids, cool it.
Peter: Marcia gave me a raw deal!
Carol: In other words, you did everything you were supposed to do?
Peter: i sure did. (They look at him incredulously) Well, I would have as soon as I got around to it. (Pause) Sooner or later. (Pause) Okay, so I’m not perfect.
Marcia: You can say that again.
Carol: Peter, it seems to me that you took advantage of Marcia because she’s your relative. True or false?
Peter (sheepishly): Well…
Carol: True or false?
Peter (weakly): True.
Carol: Well, all right then, what would you have done if the situation was reversed?
Peter: I guess I’d have kicked me out too. (Pause) I apologize Captain Bligh.
(He extends his hand and Marcia shakes it.)
Marcia: Okay, Capital G goofoff.
Peter: Hey, I just thought of something. I put in three days of work. I wonder if I can collect unemployment insurance.
(Carol and Marcia laugh. We next see Marcia on the phone with Jeff.)
Marcia: Hello.
Jeff (on the other line): Listen, Marcia.
Marcia: Hi, Jeff.
Jeff: There’s a great rock concert in the park next Saturday. I thought maybe you’d like to catch it with me.
Marcia: Well, I’m sorry but, I have to work.
Jeff: Oh, well, maybe we can get together Sunday and do something.
Marcia: I’m really sorry but I don’t see how. After working all week, I have to do my homework and shampoo my hair.
Jeff (abruptly): Yeah, I get the message. Business before pleasure. See you around.
Marcia: Bye.
(She hangs up. Next, she is down at the ice cream parlor with Mr. Haskell.)
Marcia: I’m sorry my brother didn’t work out, Mr. Haskell.
Mr. Haskell: Listen, Marcia, not everybody’s suited for the ice cream business.
Marcia: Mr. Haskell, would you take a chance on another Brady?
Mr. Haskell: Another brother?
Marcia: No, a sister.
Mr. Haskell: You mean the little one I met in here?
Marcia: No, this one’s older.
Mr. Haskell: Well, they say this is a woman’s world now.
Marcia: Oh, thanks, Mr. Haskell. And don’t worry, we women won’t let you down.
(Jan is down there and she is mopping the floor and doing a fantastic job.)
Mr. Haskell: She’s a very good worker, Marcia.
Marcia: I told you, Mr. Haskell.
Mr. Haskell: They say golf is a very relaxing game. I think I’ll go out and relax 18 holes worth.
Marcia: Enjoy yourself.
Mr. Haskell: Thank you.
Marcia: And don’t worry. Just leave it to us Brady girls.
Jan: See you later, Mr. Haskell.
Mr. Haskell: Bye.
Marcia: Bye.
(Jan finishes and puts the mop away.)
Jan: What should I do next?
Marcia: Uh, memorize all 29 flavors.
Jan: I already did that. What else?
Marcia: Have some ice cream.
Jan: I came here to work, not eat.
Marcia: Boy, your name sure isn’t Peter.
(Next, Jan continues to do a great job. She serves a customer.)
Jan: Thank you, come again.
(Marcia turns around to clear off a table but Jan gets to it first. She politely serves another customer, then makes a couple of milkshakes. Marcia and Mr. Haskell watch admiringly.)
Mr. Haskell: Marcia, you really picked us a winner this time.
Marcia: Yes sir, Jan’s fantastic.
(Back home, Alice is on the scale. She is hiding her weight with her foot.)
Carol: Ah, come on, Alice. We don’t care. Let us see. (She moves her foot) Hey! Congratulations, you lost four pounds.
Alice: Well, thanks to Mr. Brady and willpower.
Carol (to Mike): Okay, your turn.
Mike (stepping on the scale): Well, I’m sure I lost at least five.
(Alice and Carol look.)
Alice: Whoops.
Carol (astonished): You gained three pounds.
Mike (shocked): That’s impossible.
Carol (sarcastically): No secret eating, huh?
Mike: Not a calorie. Listen, your scale is out of kilters.
Carol: Ow, you’re stepping on my foot.
Mike: That’s because you’re stepping on my foot.
(He picks her up and tries to get her on the scale. Carol is kicking and screaming.)
(Down at the ice cream hut, Marcia goes to take an order. She sees the customer is Jeff and another girl.)
Marcia: May I help you?
Jeff: Yes, please. (She starts to get upset) Hi, Marcia.
Marcias: Hi, Jeff.
Jeff: We’d like two lover’s delights specials.
(He puts his arm around the girl.)
Marcia: Two lover’s delights.
(She walks away.)
Jeff: Oh, could you hurry that up, please. We’re going to a drive-in movie.
(She goes behind the counter.)
Marcia (to jan): Two lovers delights.
Jan: The nerve of him.
Marcia: I couldn’t care less. Who needs him? He can go out with anybody he wants.
Jan: Then why are you so upset?
Marcia: Who’s upset? Just because he happens to be fickle doesn’t upset me. I would think he would have better taste, though.
Jan: I think she’s kind of pretty.
Marcia: Only in sort of an obvious way. She’s practically sitting in his lap.
(She takes some whipped cream.)
Jan: Two lover’s delights.
(Marcia brings them over to Jeff and his date. She sets them on the table.)
Marcia: Here we go. Two lover’s delights. Would you care for whipped cream?
Jeff: Yeah, please.
Marcia: Okay.
(She shakes it and then sprays it all over Jeff.)
Jeff (angry): Look what you did!
(Jan laughs from behind the counter.)
Marcia: Oh, I’m sorry.
(She then sprays it all over his date. They get angrier and leave. They refuse Marcia’s offer to wipe it off them. Jan comes up to Marcia.)
Jan: Marcia, he left without paying.
Marcia: This treat’s on me. (She and Jan sit down) Boys, from now on I’m dedicating myself to my own career.
Jan: What career?
(Mr. Haskell comes in.)
Marcia: This one. Now, I’m afternoon manager. Soon I’ll be full manager, and someday Mr. Haskell will make me his partner. (He comes up to the girls) Hi, partner. I mean, Mr. Haskell.
Mr. Haskell: Hello, girls. (He sits down with them.) Sit down, Jan. Sit down a minute. Well, I did my best but it’s no good.
Jan: What’s no good?
Mr. Haskell: Teaching an old dog new tricks. People said I needed relaxation, so I relaxed. I went to play golf. Trying to get that little ball into that little hole. I almost had a nervous breakdown.
Jan: That’s too bad.
Mr. Haskell: The best relaxation for me is going back to work afternoons.
Jan: That means you won’t need one of us.
Mr. Haskell: That’s right, Jan.
Marcia (to Jan): Tough break.
Mr. Haskell: Marcia, Marcia you are a very good worker.
Marcia: Thank you, Mr. Haskell.
Mr. Haskell: And an employer has to take care of his best workers, right.
Marcia: Right.
Mr. Haskell: Like I said, you are a very good worker, Marcia. But, Jan here is a little bit better.
(They both give him surprised looks.)
Marcia: Huh?
Mr. Haskell: I’m sorry Marcia, but if I have to make a choice, I have to choose Jan.
(At home, the girls are having a fight over the situation.)
Jan: Marcia, I want…
Marcia: Don’t even talk to me, you job stealer!
Jan: I keep telling you it’s not my fault!
Carol: Girls, please, nobody’s at fault. I’m sure Mr. Haskell just hired the person who was best for the job.
Mike: That’s how it ids in business.
Marcia: But I got Jan the job! And she sold out one sister for 29 flavors!
Jan: Oh, Marcia, no job is worth all this! I resign! Now, maybe Mr. Haskell will give me your job back!
Marcia: Would you?
Jan: Yes I would!
Mike: Are you sure that’s want you want to do, sweetheart?
Jan: Positive!
(The phone rings. Carol answers.)
Carol: Hello. Yes, just a minute, please. Marcia, it’s for you. It’s Jeff.
(Marcia gets on the phone with Jeff.)
Marcia: Jeff, I just want you to know that I’m not interested in anything that you have to say and I really don’t think that we should (Pause) What? You just dated her to get even? I squirted you with the whipped cream for the same reason. Yeah. Really? That sounds great. Okay, bye. (She hangs up) Jeff’s got something planned for us every afternoon next week.
Jan: But what about your job? You’ll be working.
Marcia: Correction Jan, you’ll be working. I just retired.
(Pete rcomes home.)
Peter: I got it!
(He comes in with a pizza.)
Mike: You got what?
Peter: A job at the Leaning Tower pizza parlor.
Carol: That’s great, Peter.
Peter: It’s even better than working for Mr. Haskell.
Carol: You mean the salary.
Peter: No, you see, Mr. Haskell only has 29 flavors. the Leaning tower has 32 kinds of pizzas. I hope I can keep my job long enough to eat my way through each and every one of them.
(He takes the pizza out of the box he had it in as the scene fades.)
(The final scene has Alice waking up in the middle of the night to raid the refrigerator. She sees a sign that says look behind you. Mike and Carol turn on the lights.)
Carol: Uh, uh, uh.
Alice: Don’t you know it’s dangerous to wake up somebody when they’re sleepwalking.
THE END
Brady Bunch Scriptman 