Quarterback Sneak
Written by Bill Freedman and Ben Gershman
Marcia is courted by a rival school quarterback who plans to steal Greg’s school team’s playbook. Hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
MIKE BRADY
CAROL BRADY
ALICE NELSON
GREG BRADY
MARCIA BRADY
PETER BRADY
JAN BRADY
BOBBY BRADY
CINDY BRADY
JERRY ROGERS, quarterback on Greg’s rival team
RICH, Jerry’s friend and teammate
TANK GATES, Carol’s old high school boyfriend
(The episode begins with Marcia putting up signs of an upcoming football game. Three guys from a rival school notice her. They are Jerry Rogers, his friend Rich and another guy.)
Jerry (to Rich): You’re sure that’s Greg Brady’s sister.
Rich: Positive. Good-looking chick.
Jerry: Yeah, too bad she goes to the wrong school. Here goes.
(He goes to approach Marcia.)
Rich: Hey, Romeo, let’s not let her good looks fake you out now.
Jerry: No way. You know my heart belongs to Fairview High.
(Marcia hammers a nail onto a pole and drops her sign. Jerry reaches down to grab it for her.)
Jerry: Hi.
Marcia: Hi.
Jerry: You mind if I give you a hand?
(He picks up the sign and hammers it. Marcia notices his letterman’s sweater.)
Marcia: Hey, you’re from Fairview.
Jerry: Yeah. I guess I’m the last guy in the world that should be putting up a sign like this.
Marcia: Then why are you?
Jerry: Some things are just more important than school rivalry. Like your name, for instance.
Marcia: Marcia Brady.
Jerry: Jerry Rogers.
Marcia (noticing his sweater): Hey, you’re the quarterback for the Fairview team.
Jerry: I’m afraid so, yeah.
Marcia: Wow, what a coincidence. My brother plays halfback for Fairview.
Jerry: No kidding. We knocked heads in last year’s game.
Marcia: Well, I guess I’d better be getting the rest of these posters put up.
Jerry: No, I guess we better be getting the rest of these posters put up.
Marcia: But you’re the enemy.
Jerry: A friendly enemy.
Rich (to his friend): Success. The gal doesn’t know it, but she’s gonna help her brother blow the league championship, to us.
(The scene fades.)
(The next scene brings us to the house. The guys are playing football out in the backyard. Peter and Bobby try to tackle Greg but he evades them.)
Greg: When the ball carrier’s heading staright at you, always keep ypur eye on his belt buckle.
Bobby: Why?
Greg: Because that’s where center gravity is. You watch his speed or his head, he’ll fake you out every time.
Peter: Let’s try it again.
Bobby: Yeah.
Greg: Okay, you ready?
Peter: Yeah.
(He goes at them again but this time Bobby and Peter are able to tackle again.)
Bobby: We’re really getting good.
(Marcia is walking home with Jerry. Greg notices in disbelief.)
Peter: What’s the matter, Greg.
Greg: Marcia’s gotta be kidding.
Bobby: Who is he?
Peter: A fink.
Bobby: How do you know?
Peter: He’s wearing a Fairview sweater.
(Jerry waves at Greg.)
Jerry: Hi, Greg.
(Greg waves back.)
Jerry (to Marcia): Thanks for letting me take you home.
Marcia: Thank you for helping me with the signs.
Jerry: Can i see you again?
Marcia: Sure.
Jerry: Great. (He gives back her hammer and nails) I’ll be in touch.
(He leaves and she watches him starstruck. Greg approaches her.)
Greg: I assume you know who he is.
Marcia: Mmm hmm, Jerry Rogers. Quarterback and dreamy.
Greg: Dreamy?
Marcia: I may even let me take me out.
Greg: Marcia, are you kidding? Jerry is the opposition.
Marcia: He may be your opposition, but he’s certainly not mine.
(Next, Peter knocks on the girls’ door.)
Marcia: Come in.
Peter: I’m in.
(He takes the rest of Marcia’s posters.)
Marcia: Hey, those belong to me.
Peter: You mean they did belong to you.
Marcia: But I’m supposed to finish putting them up tomorrow.
Peter: We don’t need any help from a traitor.
Marcia (annoyed): Traitor? I’m as loyal to Westdale as anybody!
Peter: You mean loyal to Jerry Rogers.
Marcia: That’s ridiculous! Besides, you don’t even go to Westdale yet!
Peter: I will next year, and when Westdale finds out my sister is a double agent, they may not even let me in!
Marcia (upset): You’re impossible!
Jan: Peter, you should be ashamed of yourself calling Marcia a traitor!
Cindy: You really hurt her feelings!
Peter: It serves her right for liking a Fairview freak.
Jan: Jerry doesn’t sound like a freak to me.
Peter: Anyone that goes to Fairview’s a freak, especially right before the big game.
Jan: How could you possibly compare a football game to a romance?
Peter: You can’t. Football’s important.
Jan: For your information, a football game only lasts 60 minutes. But a romance can last a whole month.
Cindy: At least.
(Mike comes home in the next scene. He joins Carol and Alice in the kitchen.)
Mike: Hi, Alice. Hi, honey.
Carol: Hi, honey.
(They kiss and the phone rings.)
Mike: Uh oh, remind me, we have some unfinished kissing. (He answers the phone) Hello. Yes, this is the Brady residence. You want to speak to who? Twinkles? (He laughs) Sorry, there’s no Twinkles here.
Carol: Ah, ah, yes there is. (She gets up and takes the phone) Hello. Tank? Ah hah, what a surprise. Yes, I’ll have to thank Ethel for telling you where to find me. (Alice and Mike are wondering about their nicknames) Of course, I want to see you. Yes, tomorrow at 7 would be perfect. You got yourself a date. Bye, Tank. (She hangs the phone up) How about that?
Mike: Yeah, how about what?
Carol: Tank Gates. He’s coming to dinner tomorrow.
Alice: What is a Tank Gates?
Carol: Only the best athlete Westdale High has ever produced. Football, basketball, baseball, track, everything. You name it. His muscles had muscles.
Mike: Yeah, I know the type. You feed him a stalk of bananas and let him swing from the trees out back. Right, Alice?
Alice: I may swing with him.
Carol: Imagine hearing from Tank Gates after all these years.
Mike: Yeah, I bet they named him Tank because his head shaped like a turret.
Carol: No, they nicknamed him Tank because he mowed down the opposition like one. And as for his looks, well, every girl on campus just turned to jelly when he passed by.
Mike: Including you?
Carol: No.
Mike: Good.
Carol: Me, he didn’t pass by. We sort of went together in my senior year at Westdale.
Mike: Sort of or did?
Carol: What’s the difference?
Mike: Well, there’s a great deal of difference, because, sort of means sort of and did means did.
Carol: Well, anyway, that was a long time ago. You’re gonna love meeting Tank tomorrow.
Mike (sarcastically): Oh, sure, I’m just counting the seconds. You better get another bunch of bananas, Alice.
Carol: Alice, my husband has just paid me a very big compliment.
Alice: What’s that, Mrs. Brady?
Carol: He’s jealous.
Alice: That less than green-eyed monster.
(Next, Mike is going over some plays with Greg in their football playbook.)
Mike (looking in the book): T 44.
Greg: Take a hand off from the quarterback. Fake to the right, and hit through the left tackle.
(Mike gets impressed and turns to another page.)
Mike: T 25.
Greg: Brush block the left guard, and go through (he slaps his hand to demonstrate) the linebacker.
Mike: You know, that’s amazing.
Greg: What is?
Mike: You could remember every play in that book and you can’t remember to take the trash out on Thursdays.
Greg: Maybe that’s because there aren’t any pom-pom girls around. (Mike laughs and Greg gets up) Thanks for helping me, Dad.
Mike: Oh, anytime.
(Cut to Fairview High. Jerry is walking with a friend and Rich comes up to him.)
Rich: Hey, Jerry. How’s it going with that Brady chick?
Jerry: Stop worrying, would you? I’m not about to fumble.
Rich: Yeah, but the game’s this Saturday. We gotta have Westdale’s playbook no later than Thursday.
Jerry: We’ll have it sooner. I’m seeing her this afternoon.
Rich: Oh yeah? Great. You’re such an operator. (They go their separate ways) Take care. See you at practice.
(Next, Jerry gives Marcia a ride home in his car.)
Marcia: I was really surprised when you picked me up at school. What happened to your football practice?
Jerry: I just ran 90 yards for a touchdown and kept right on going. (He lets her out of his car) Don’t I get some kind of reward for driving you home?
Marcia: Well, what did you have in mind?
Jerry: I’ll settle for a cold drink.
Marcia (laughing): Come on in.
(They see Bobby and Cindy playing on the teeter-totter.)
Marcia: Hi, kids.
Jerry: Hi.
Cindy: Hi.
Marcia: This is Jerry Rogers. (to Jerry) Bobby, and this is Cindy.
Cindy: You’re right, Marcia. he is gorgeous.
Bobby: I hope Westdale whoops the pants off you guys Saturday.
Marcia: Bobby. Come on, Jerry. Let’s go in the house.
(He waves good-bye to Cindy.)
Cindy (to Bobby): That wasn’t very polite of you.
Bobby: Cindy, he’s the opposition.
Cindy: He’s also Marcia’s friend.
Bobby: He’s a Fairview fink.
Cindy: All you boys think about is football. Love is a lot more important.
Bobby: How do you know? You never played either one.
He laughs and Cindy gets off. She slams the teeter-totter down, causing Bobby to almost fall off.)
Marcia (to Jery): Have a seat.
Jerry: Thanks.
Marcia: Would you like some lemonade.
Jerry: Great, if it’s not too much trouble.
Marcia: Oh, not at all. I’ll be back in a m,inute. Make yourself at home.
(She puts her books down and goes into the kitchen.)
Jerry: It’s a great house you have here. (He gets up and starts looking around) Do all you kids have your own room?
Marcia: I wish we did. Greg’s the only one. He fixed over the attic for himself.
Jerry: Yeah? that’s a great idea. I oughtta do something like that to our attic. You suppose I could take a look at Greg’s room just to get some ideas?
Marcia: Well, maybe sometime.
Jerry: Great.
(He sees the playbook on the family room table. He makes an attempt to snatch it.)
Marcia: Be right there?
Jerry: No rush.
(He drops the book and Bobby comes by. He noticed what Jerry did. Next, he, Greg and Marcia are up in Greg’s room arguing about it.)
Marcia (yelling): That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of!
Bobby: I’m sorry, but it just happens to be true!
Marcia: Jerry Rogers wouldn’t stoop that low!
Greg: All right, all right! Why would Bobby say it if he didn’t see it?
Marcia: He only thought that he tried to steal your playbook. He doesn’t have any real proof.
Bobby: My eyes are my proof! They saw him try to take it!
Marcia: You’re just prejudiced because he’s such a greta quarterback.
Bobby: Well I could be such a great quarterback too if I had th eother team’s playbook!
Greg: Look, it sounds to me like Bobby is telling the truth, but I’m willing to give Jerry a fair shake.
Marcia: How!
Greg: By giving him another chance to try and steal my playbook.
Marcia (defensive): He didn’t try to steal your playbook!
Greg: All right, then you have nothing to worry about. In fact, if he’s innocent, we’ll even apologize. (to Bobby) Right?
Bobby: Right.
Marcia: Okay, it’s a deal. (He starts to leave then stops. to Bobby) Get ready to apologize!
Bobby: You mean you better get ready to find a new creep to go out with.
Marcia: Oh yeah, it takes one to know one.
Bobby: Then you two should be really happy together.
(Marcia gets frustrated and runs out. Greg slaps Bobby five and vice versa. The scene fades.)
(The next scene has Carol coming up to Mike with a new dress.)
Carol: Honey, how would you like to buy me a new dress for my birthday.
Mike: Well, since your birthday is several months away, I’d love to.
Carol: Good. I’m wearing it. (She models it for him) You like it?
Mike: Ooh, I like it.
Carol: It was on sale.
Mike: Yeah, I like it even better. What’s the occasion?
Carol: Well honey, you know I needed a new dress, and, with Tank coming over, I thought…
Mike: That’s for Tank?
Carol: No, silly, it’s for you.
(She kisses him and runs out of the room.)
Mike (to himself): Yeah, that dress sure makes me look good. Happy birthday, Twinkles.
(We take you to the boys’ room. Greg comes in to talk to Peter and Bobby.)
Greg: How would you guys like to help me plot operation wipeout?
Peter: Operation wipeout?
Bobby: What do you mean?
Greg: Well, I told Marcia I’d give Jerry another chance to try and steal my playbook. But if he does steal it, Fairview will clobber us, right?
Peter: Yeah.
Greg: So I came up with an idea.
(He shows them 2 books.)
Bobby: 2 playbooks?
Greg: This one’s a phony. We’ll make it full of fake plays.
Peter: If Jerry steals it, Fairview will be running around in circles.
Greg (smiling): Right.
Bobby: You guys would rout them.
Greg: Can’t you just see those Fairview freaks trying to defend against our plays, when they’re not our plays. (He hands the playbook to Peter) Listen, you read me the plays out of this real playbook, and I’ll switch them right here in this phony one.
(Next, Mike is in the living room when he hears the bell ring. He gets up to answer it and it is Tank.)
Tank: Twinkles!
Mike: No, I’m Mike.
Tank: Right. I’m Tank Gates. (He extends his hand) Glad to meet you.
(They shake hands.)
Mike: Well, thank you. (He lets him off) Well, Carol’s told me a lot about you.
Tank: Oh, not everytihng I hope. Where is she? Where’s my Twinkles.
Carol (from the stairs): She’s right here.
Tank: Twinkles!
Carol: Hi, Tank.
(He runs over to her.)
Tank: Come here you gorgeous hunk of woman.
(He picks her up and gves her a big hug.)
Carol (laughing): Tank, put me down. Oh, you’re as wild as ever.
Tank: And you’re as prety as ever. No, no, you’re prettier. (to Mike) Boy, did you luck out fella.
Mike: My mother thinks she didn’t do too badly either.
Tank: Yeah, yeah. I bet you’re dying to know what I’ve been doing since high school. Right?
Carol: Well, yes, Tank. I thought…
Tank: I went right to college and guess who made all-American.
Mike: Why don’t you take a stab in the dark, honey.
Tank: You know me, Twinkles. I don’t like to brag. But, after college I went into pro football and made all pro three years in a row.
Carol: Yes, I noticed it in the paper.
Tank: It wasn’t hard to do, was it. I was in them all the time. (he turns to Mike) Did you ever play ball, Mac?
Mike: Mike. Oh, I played some ball. Not football, but…
Tank: I didn’t figure you did.
Carol: We have a son who plays football at Westdale, Tank?
Tank: You have a son that old? Why, you look like you could be in high school yourself.
Carol (laughing): Did you hear that, Mike? Me, still in high school?
Mike: I heard it.
Tank: That’s the reason I’m in town. For the biggie, between Westdale and Fairview. Just don’t get a chance to get here anymore.
Mike: How did we catch you lucky this time?
Carol: Look what I dug up, Tank. Our old Westdale annual.
(Tank takes the yearbook and looks throught it.)
Tank: Oh, oh.
(Meanwhile, the guys are upstairs working on the phony playbook.)
Greg (to Peter): What’s the next play?
Peter (reading): T-28. Quarterback pitch out to the strong side.
Greg: Simple, we’ll just reverse it. Now it will be T-28, Quarterback pitch out to the weak side. (He writes it in) Boy, are they gonna be surprised when the ball goes one way and Fairview goes the other.
Bobby: Right. (He is playing with the ball. He tosses it toward the bathroom and it hits Alice, who is coming out of there.) Sorry, Alice.
Greg: Did you want something?
Alice: Yeah, to be traded. Right after dinner. It’s gonna be ready pretty soon so get cleaned up. (She leaves the room and throws the ball back to Bobby) Think fast.
Greg (closing the book): That does it. Now, all I have to do is give this phony playbook to Marcia and have her invite Jerry over tomorrow.
Peter: You’re sure he’ll take it?
Greg: Will a rat take cheese?
(Downstairs, Tank and Carol are looking through their old yearbook.)
Tank: I was just beautiful. (He turns a page) And here’s the old Tanker. (He turns another page) Here I am as student body president.
Carol: Oh, look, there I am in a drama club.
Tank: Son of a gun. Here I am scoring a touchdown against Fairview that year. Do you remember all those touchdowns I scored, Twinkles?
Carol: Well…
Tank: I scored so many points I can’t remember the total. Hey, I remember that touchdown now. Let me show you how it worked.
Carol: Well, Tank, I don’t think…
(He gets up.)
Tank: Now, this is the picture. We only have time for one play, and we’re still 75 yards from patered. Fairview’s expecting a long pass, so they drop back into a 5,3,2,1 defense. So I look over the defense, and you know what play I call? I call….
Mike: The old statue of liberty.
Tank: Yeah, the old statue of liberty play. Well, anyway, we break out of the huddle, and come up through the light. (He picks Mike up) Here, let me show you. You two be the defense. (to Mike) Yeah, you are a little fragile, aren’t you. (He pushes him on the couch) Now this is our line. Jackson, Metzger, Syril, Rock. Metzger snaps the ball back to Leftowicz. Lefty fades back like he’s gonna throw a loft, and that’s when the old Tanker comes flying by and grabs the ball and gives him a left. He kicks it away, then he reverses his feet and he goes against the grave. He gives him a kick, he was poetry in motion, then he goes for it. (He lands on the couch) and the rest is history.
Carol (unimpressed): You’re a legend in your own time.
Tank: Oh, not yet. I still have to make the extra point.
Mike (sarcastically): We certainly wouldn’t want to miss that one.
Carol: No.
Tank: But I fool them again, see. I made them think I was gonna run for the extra point. Suddenly, I stop, step back, and then I kick the ball. (He kicks a cushion that he used. It knocks a plant down and it breaks) Sorry, I guess I got carried away.
Mike (sarcastically): Oh, don’t worry about it. It was just a rare, tropical firm.
Tank: But you’ll be glad to know, the dropkick went right through the goldpost.
Carol: Great. really great.
Tank: Yeah, great. Even then, I was bigger than life.
(Next, Cindy is helping Marcia with Greg’s plot.)
Cindy: You’re really gonna go through with Greg’s plan.
Marcia: Jerry’s on his way over.
Cindy: What if he does steal Greg’s playbook?
Marcia: I don’t think he will, Cindy.
Cindy: Because he’s honest? Or because he told you your eyes are like Faye Dunaway’s?
(Jerry drives into their driveway.)
Marcia: We’ll soon find out. Put them down.
(Cindy puts a couple magazines down while Marcia puts down the playbook and a plant.)
Marcia (handing her the plant): Here.
Cindy: Good luck.
Marcia: Okay. (Cindy sticks around) Cindy, go on.
Cindy: Why?
Marcia (firmly): Cindy.
Cindy: Oh, all right.
(She takes the plant and leaves. Marcia lets Jerry in.)
Marcia: Hi.
Jerry: Hi.
Marcia: I’m glad you could come over.
Jerry: You know, we must have ESP going on between us, because I was just gonna call you.
Marcia (laughing): Good. Can I get you a cold drink?
Jerry: Sure. How about some of that great lemonade.
Marcia: Okay. (She talks to him from the kitchen) I guess you’re excited about the big game.
(Jerry takes the book and hides it under his coat.)
Jerry: You better believe it.
Marcia: Greg’s really up for it, too.
Jerry: I’ll bet. It means the league championship.
(Marcia gets the lemonade out.)
Marcia: I hope you don’t mind if I route for Westdale.
Jerry: I wouldn’t have it any other way.
(She notices the playbook is gone. She gets upset and turns around.)
Jerry: Oh, am I a goof artist. The coach called a special session for team photographs. I completely forgot. Can I take a raincheck on that lemonade?
Marcia: Sure.
Jerry: I hope you understand.
Marcia (looking straight at him): I understand perfectly.
(She has a sad look on her face. We take you to upstairs, where Greg is reading the paper to the guys.)
Greg: Hey, get this. The paper picks Fairview to win by three points. If they only knew about the phony playbook.
(Mike enters the room.)
Mike: Hey, boys.
Greg: Hi, Dad.
Bobby: Hi, Dad.
Peter: Hey, Dad, wanna win a bundle? Bet on Greg’s team to clobber Fairview.
Mike: Yeah, yeah, listen, I hear you pulled a fast one on Fairview.
Bobby: You mean on that freak, Jerry Rogers.
Peter: Yeah.
Mike: No, no, I mean on Fairview. Don’t you see you’re operating on Jerry Rogers’ level now?
Greg: What do you mean?
Mike: Well, look, he stole your playbook. And if it had been the real one, his team could win, dishonestly. Right?
Greg: Right.
Mike: Okay, now Westdale can win, dishonestly, because the playbook is a fake.
Greg: I never thought of it that way.
Peter: Me either.
Bobby: Diddo.
Mike: Well boys, it just seems to me that the victory is gonna mean something if Westdale beats Fairview in an honest game. And I bet your coach would agree, too.
(Later, Greg is on the phone with Jerry to warn him of the misdeed.)
Jerry (answering his phone): Hello.
Greg: Hi, Jerry. Greg Brady.
Jerry: Oh, hi, Greg. What’s up?
Greg: Look, I’m calling about that playbook you swiped.
Jerry: Are you kididng? Me, swipe your playbook?
Greg: I’m just trying to do you a favor, Jerry.
Jerry: Some favor, calling me a crook.
Greg: Let me put it this way, the book’s a fake. I made up every play in it.
Jerry: I said I didn’t take it. But even if I did, why would you be telling me?
Greg: Because it’s not fair to your team. Look, man, the book’s a phony.
Jery: You’re the phony, Greg, but thanks for the phone call.
(He hangs up. Then Jerry grabs the phone and runs with it. Then we go onto the next scene of the game in progress. The family comes home and tells Alice about the game.)
Cindy: Alice, that was the best ballgame I’ve ever seen.
Peter: Westdale killed them.
Jan: 20 to 7.
Alice: Marvelous!
Bobby: They clobbered them!
Marcia: Jerry Rogers didn’t even finish the game.
Greg: The coach benched him in the first quarter when he found out about the phony playbook. We won fair and square.
Carol: Right.
Alice: Wait till you see what we’re having for dessert. (They all ponder happily while Greg says he’s ready for it. Alice takes a huge cake out of the refrigerator) We’re gonna celebrate the big victory.
(She shows them a cake that says Congratulations Westdale League Champs.)
Carol: Oh, Alice, that is beautiful.
Mike: Hey, Alice, what if Westdale had lost?
Alice: Oh, that’s simple, Mr. Brady.
(He gives Jan the cake to hold and gets another cake.)
Carol: There she goes again.
Alice: We would have settled for this.
(She shows them another cake that says Better luck next year Westdale. The scene fades.)
9The final scene has Tank coming to visit one more time. Carol opens the door and lets him in.)
Tank: Hi, Twinkles.
Carol: Oh, hi, Tank. (calling) Mike, look who’s here.
Tank: I just stopped by to say so long. I got to get going.
Mike: Hi, Tank.
(He shakes his hand.)
Tank: Sorry I missed you at the game. That son of yours is not a bad halfback, Mac.
Mike: That’s Mike.
Carol: That really must have made you happy when your old alma mater won the biggy. Huh, Tank.
Tank: Are you kidding? That stupid game costed me 100 bucks.
Mike: Westdale won.
Tank: Yeah, but I heard a rumor thta Fairview got ahold of Westdale’s plays. I figured I had me a sure thing.
Carol (shocked): You mean you betted against your old alma mater?
Tank: Come on. Loyalty’s one thing, a buck’s another. Well, so long, Twinkles, it’s been great seeing you. You too, Mac.
(He walks out the door.)
Carol (yelling): That’s Mike! (She shuts the door) Can you imagine him betting against his own school?
Mike: I can imagine him doing most anytohng.
Carol: He’s got some nerve. What a phony.
Mike: Listen, that’s your hero you’re talking about, Twinkles.
Carol: Oh, you know I was just needling you. He never was my kinda guy.
Mike: What is your kinda gyy?
Carol: The kind of guy you are, Mike.
(She kisses him.)
Mike: That’s Mac, and I’m poetry in motion.
(He gives her a dip and kisses her.)
THE END
Brady Bunch Scriptman 