S5 E11 The Cincinnati Kids

The Cincinnati Kids

Written by Larry Rhine and Al Schwartz

Mike takes the family to Kings Island amusement park in Cincinnati. Hope you enjoy the script.











MARGE, girl Greg meets at park

2 employees dressed as animals

Employee at park

MR. REMINGTON, park director

(The episode begins with Peter coming into the kitchen, where Carol and Alice are.)

Peter: Isn’t Dad home yet?

Carol: No, he isn’t, Peter, and I suggest you go back to your homework.

Peter: I can’t concentrate since Dad called and said he had a big surprise for us.

Carol: Well, how about surprising him by going back and finishing your homework.

Peter: Okay, I’ll give it another try, but I can’t guarantee the results. (Cindy comes in) He’s not home yet.

Cindy: This is the longest day of my whole life. Nothing to do but homework.

(Bobby comes in the kitchen.)

Bobby: Alice.

Alice: Your Dad’s not home yet.

Bobby: How did you know I was gonna ask?

Alice: Because I’ve never seen you in and out of the kitchen so much without eating.

Bobby: Oh, thanks for reminding me.

(He grabs an orange.)

Carol: Hey, eat that outside. (to Alice) Kids, they’re so impatient.

Alice: Yeah, I’m glad we’re past that stage.

Carol: Right. I mean, if we’ll all just keep cool and calm, he’ll get here when he can, and then he’ll tell us what the surprise is. (He honks to signal he’s home and then Carol screams) He’s here, he’s here, everybody! He’s here!

(Bobby, Jan, Peter and Cindy come in the kitchen as Mike walks in. They all greet him with hellos and he kisses Carol.)

Cindy: Mom told us not to ask you anytihng about the big surprise.

Bobby: So we’re not asking.

Peter: But if you want to volunteer, Dad.

(Mike shows them a couple of cylinders he’s carrying.)

Mike: Well, you know these plans I’ve been working on for weeks?

Carol: Yes.

Mike: Mr. Phillips is sending me to Cincinnati to submit them.

Carol (unenthusiastic): That’s the big surprise?

Mike: There is one other small detail.

Carol: Yeah, what’s that?

Mike: The plans are for a big amusement park, and I thought you’d all like to go with me.

(They all get very excited and cheer. The scene fades away.)

(The next scene has a view of the park, as well as the people walking around it and on the rides. Mike is in his hotel room on the phone with Mr. Remington, the man who runs the amusement park.)

Mike: I’m sure you’ll be more than pleased with the sketches and ideas, Mr. Remington. Yes, well I sort of thought we’d have more… No, sure, sure, I understand, 1 o’clock will be fine. Yeah, well, I look forward to meeting you and Mr. Dempsey. Okay, good-bye. (He hangs up, to Carol) That’s great, we come all the way here and I have a fast half hour for a meeting before they have to catch a plane to New York.

Carol: Well, honey, at least we’ll have all morning in the park with the kids. Hey, where do you want me to put these (blueprints)?

Mike: Let’s put them right here (on the dresser) where we can keep an eye on them.

Carol: Okay. You know, I think this is going to be fun.

Mike: It reminds me a little of our honeymoon. Remember?

Carol: How can I forget? With 6 kids along?

(They start to kiss and all the kids come running in cheerily after seeing the park.)

Peter: You won’t believe all the rides.

Marcia: The park is beautiful.

Greg: So are the girls.

Bobby: Let’s get going.

Carol: Okay, okay, we’ll be right there.

(They run off again.)

Mike: Like I was saying, just like our honeymoon.

Carol: Yeah.

(We see an even better view of the park. The Bradys walk around until they get to the Eiffel Tower.)

Mike: I’ll tell you what, go wherever you like, just remember we meet at the main restaurant at noon sharp.

(The kids take off again but Carol stops Bobby and Cindy.)

Carol: Hold it, hold it. No loading up, you two, on everything insight. We’re gonna have a big lunch, okay.

Bobby: Okay. Good-bye.

Carol: See you later.

Mike: Well, I guess we better get moving too, because I want to see as much of the park as possible before that meeting at 1 o’clock.

Alice: Wee wee monsieur.

Carol: Wee wee? (Alice points) The Eiffel Tower. It makes me feel like a forget.

(The next few scenes have the Bradys touring the park. They are taking rides and checking out other great things. We now come to Bobby and Cindy, eating jelly apples.)

Cindy: You know, I just remembered sometihng.

Bobby: What?

Cindy: Well, Mom told us not to load up.

Bobby: Yeah, that’s right.

Cindy: So, what should we do?

Bobby: Well, Mom said never to waste food, right?

Cindy: Right.

Bobby: Apples are food.

Cindy: So we better not waste them.

(Mike is at the plate breaking counter with Greg and Peter. Peter is seeing how many he can break.)

Greg: All right.

Peter: I broke the most.

Mike: Yeah, and the victor goes to spoil. Spoil includes paying the man.

(He and Greg walk away.)

Peter: Hey, wait.

(An attractive young woman is at the football counter.)

Marge (yelling): Who will be next to throw the ball and win a prize? (Greg passes by) Care to try your luck?

Greg: Hi.

Marge: Hi.

Greg: What do I do?

Marge: You throw the balls through the holes and win a prize.

Greg: Do I get my choice of prizes?

Marge: That depends.

Greg; Well, let’s see how it works out.

(Peter comes around)

Peter: This looks easy, Dad. Let’s try it.

Mike: Peter, I think this is more Greg’s ball game.

Peter: Why? Let’s get in on it.

Mike: Sory, I think you’ve just been benched.

(He leads Peter away from there. We next see Bobby and Cindy having ice cream.)

Cindy: I feel kind of guilty.

Bobby: Why?

Cindy: I keep remembering what Mom said about eating.

Bobby: Well, ice cream isn’t eating, it’s licking. Right?

Cindy: Right, so that doesn’t count, does it.

Bobby: Of course not. When you eat, you have to swallow, this just swallows down by itself.

(Marcia, Jan, Alice and Carol are riding a superslide. We also see a ride called the monster. Greg successfully throws a football through a hole.)

Greg (reaching in his pocket): I’ll take some more balls.

Marge: You’ll wear yourself out.

Greg: Well, I’m gonna keep throwing until you tell me your name.

Marge: Well, to save you a dislocated shoulder, it’s Marge.

Greg: I’m Greg Brady. (She smiles) I think I’ve thrown more footballs than Joe Namath in a whole season. When do you get through here?

Marge: Right about now.

Greg: Great, have lunch with me.

Marge: Oh, sorry, I can’t. I’m filling in for my brother, he’s an animal.

Greg: Aren’t we all?

Marge: I mean, he wears one of those animal costumes and walks around the park greeting people.

(He starts to go.)

Greg: Hey, wait, which animal are you?

Marge: That’s for you to find out.

(She leaves.)

Greg (calling): Marge, Marge!

(We next see the Bradys enjoying some other rides. Then Cindy and Bobby are munching on popcorn.)

Cindy: Eating popcorn really isn’t eating, because we’re just stuck to the prizes. Right?

Bobby: Right. We’ll just work our way through the box till we get to the prizes, because they’re always on the bottom.

(Next, Jan and Marcia are together. Jan just purchased a poster.)

Marcia: Little Nancy will love that poster you bought for her.

Jan: It’s the least I can do after making all that money babysitting for her folks.

Marcia: Yeah, maybe for a loan.

Jan: Yeah, Yogi Bear’s cute but maybe I should’ve gotten a giraffe poster.

Marcia: We better do it later. right now we gotta go meet the others for lunch.

Jan: Hey, let’s go back after we eat.

Marcia: Okay.

(Next, Carol, Mike and Alice are at the main restaurant.)

Mike: Hi, sorry to be late. I stopped by the room to pick up the plans before the meeting.

(Greg running up to them): I just wanted to tell you I can’t stay for lunch. I met a girl.

Carol: Greg, you have to eat.

(He grabs a pretzel from the ashtray on the table.)

Greg: Okay.

Mike: Well, man does not live by bread alone.

(He runs into Peter, who’s come to join them.)

Greg: Hi.

Peter: Hi. Where are you going?

Greg: To see an animal about a girl.

(Peter gets confused by the remark but joins the adults.)

Peter: Hi, boy that roller coaster sure made me hungry.

Alice: How could you tell? I left my stomach back on the roller coaster.

(Bobby and Cindy join them.)

Bobby: Hi.

Carol: Hi, I guess you two kids must be starved too, huh.

Bobby: Uh, well, do they have a child’s plate?

Cindy: Yeah, maybe Bobby and I can share one.

Carol: Didn’t I warn you two about eating everything insight?

Bobby: Yeah, but next time you ought to warn us a lot harder.

Cindy: Yeah, maybe we can eat lunch later.

(Finally, Marcia and Jan come by.)

Marcia: Sorry we’re late.

Jan: It was my fault. I couldn’t decide between a bear and a giraffe.

Marcia: What’s everyone having for lunch?

Mike: Well, we better order. I don’t wanna be late for my meeting.

Jan: Peter, will you kindly get your feet off my poster? You’re gonna ruin it.

Peter: Take better care of it.

Jan: I wish I had somewhere to put it for safe keeping. (She notices Mike’s cylinders) Hey, Dad, do you need both of those?

Mike: Honey, the entire reason for us being here is in these cylinders.

Jan: Oh, well, can your sketches fit into one, so my poster can fit into the other? Please, I have to take it all the way home.

Mike: Oh, I guess so.

Jan: Oh, thank you. (He takes one of his sketches and puts it with the others and puts her poster Thank you, Dad.

Mike: You’re welcome.

(Later, Mike is at the meeting with the board.)

Mike: Gentlemen, as I have indicated, our firm has a concept for a new area in your park, so, for your consideration…

(He notices Jan’s poster in the cylinder.)

Mr. Remington: Something wrong, Mr. Brady? May I see the sketches? (He takes it and is none too pleased to find a Yogi bear poster.) Well, we appreciate your little joke, Mr. Brady.

Mike: I’m, afraid it’s an unplanned joke. I’m sorry, there’s been a mix-up. This is my daughter’s poster. She must have my sketches. Well, that’s no problem. I’ll find my daughter and get them back.

Mr. Remington: But we have to leave in half an hour to catch a plane.

Mike (sheepishly): Well, I hope I can find her by then.

(Next, we see Marcia and Jan on a rowboat and then in a go-car. Then on a water ride. They exit.)

Jan: I have to go back to the poster so i can exchange (She realizes she doesn’t have it) Wait a minute, I lost it.

Marcia: Oh, no. We must’ve left it on some ride.

Jan: It can be anywhere. I’ll have to get another one. Luckily they’re not too expensive.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has the family enjoying another ride. Greg goes to find Marge. He runs into an employee in an animal costume.)

Greg: Marge?

Employee: Do I sound like a Marge?

(He laughs.)

Greg: Sorry, do you kow which animal Marge is?

(He shakes his head no. Greg finds another employee dressed as an animal.)

Greg: Hey, you wouldn’t be Marge, would you? (He takes the head off his costume) Do you know where Marge is? She’s the girl at the football booth who’s filling in for her brother.

Employee: Oh, yeah, she’s inside the employees area.

Greg: Thanks.

(He heads in that direction.)

Employee: Hey, wait a minute. You can’t go in there unless you’re an employee.

Greg: Hey, how would you like to rent me your costume.

(Next, Greg is walking around in the costume. He sees Marge walking by.)

Greg: Hello, there. (She walks by) Hey, hey, wait a minute. It’s me.

Marge: Why don’t you go someplace and hibernate.

(Mike comes by.)

Mike (to Marge): Aren’t you the young girl from the football booth?

Marge: Yes.

Mike: It’s urgent I find my family. You remember my son Greg.

Marge: Very well.

Mike: You seen him?

Marge: No.

Greg: I’m right here, Dad.

(He raises the head of the costume.)

Mike: What are you doing in there? (Greg starts to explain) never mind, shed your skin and help me find Jan, fast.

(He shows his face to an impressed marge. We see Carol and Alice on a ride and they get off.)

Carol: Now, that’s what i call an exciting ride.

Alice: Stop the park, i wanna get off.

(Mike comes to them.)

Mike: Has either one of you seen Jan?

Alice: No, but I just saw my entire life pass me by.

Carol: Is something wrong, Mike?

Mike: Everything. We got our cylinders mixed up. Jan has my sketches.

Carol: I think she’s on her way to the poster shop.

Mike: Come on, we gotta find her.

(They run and Alice stays.)

Alice: Stomach, you stay here and rest. Legs, let’s go.

(We next see Jan and Marcia on another ride. Greg and Alice are waiting outside the poster shop, where Carol and Mike exit.)

Greg: Any luck?

Carol: She hasn’t been here again.

Mike: And I got 10 minutes to find those sketches.

Carol: There she is!

Mike: Jan!

(They rush over to her.)

Carol: Oh, thank goodness you’re here.

Jan: What’s all the fuss?

Mike: No time to explain. (Pause) where are my sketches?

Jan: I don’t have your sketches.

Mike: We got the cylinders mixed. Where are yours?

Jan: Dad, I lost it.

Carol (upset): You lost it?

Marcia: And we’ve been practically all over the park.

Carol: Oh, honey.

Mike: Never mind, we’ll split up and find them. Greg, round up the rest of the kids and we’ll turn the park upside down and return it to the manager’s office, pronto.

(Mike and Carol show up at the lost and found booth.)

Employee: High folks, are you winners or losers?

Mike: No, we’re losers.

Employee: Oh, you’d be surprised what people lose nowadays. I got all kinds of shoes, purses, false teeth, eyeglasses.

Mike: We lost a container.

Employee: Oh, a container. We got a lot of containers. Big day for containers. I got a container of coleslaw. I got a container with a goldfish in it.

Mike: It’s a container just like this.

(He shows him the cylinder that his plans were in.)

Employee: Ah, yeah, oh, are you in luck. I got a container just like that, right here. How about that?

(He takes one out but it’s a black one, as opposed to the yellow one Mike has.)

Carol: No, no, this container had sketches in it.

Employee: Oh, well you better check back later folks. I don’t have it.

Carol: Thank you.

Employee: Okay, bye.

(Marcia and Jan are looking inside go-cars while they’re being driven, on opposite sides of the road they’re on.)

Jan: It’s not any of these.

Marcia: We have to check all of them.

(Alice looks on another ride. However, it starts to go and Alice goes along for the ride. Meanwhile, Bobby and Cindy are outside of a pizza place.)

Cindy: Hey, why are we gonna look in there? Jan didn’t say anytihng about eating pizza.

Bobby: Well, somebody could’ve found Dad’s sketches and left them in there.

Cindy: That’s right, too.

Bobby: So, as long as we’re here, let’s have some pizza.

(Greg and Peter finds Marge back at the booth.)

Greg: Marge, have you seen a cardboard cylinder with some sketches in it?

Marge: You never give up, do you?

Greg: Maybe we can get together later on.

(Carol and Mike are exiting a ride, after striking out finding the sketches.)

Mike: I guess it’s too late, honey. I’m gonna have to tell Mr. Remington we can’t find the sketches.

Carol: I’m sorry, Mike.

Mike: Not half as sorry as my boss is gonna be when he finds out.

Carol: Well, I’ll wait for you back at the entrance.

Mike: Okay.

(Marcia and Jan look at the rowboats.)

Jan: I could have left it on that little island. We were all over it.

Marcia: Well, let’s give it a look.

(They get in a boat and Jan finds the sketches.)

Jan: Marcia, look! I found it!

Marcia: Oh my gosh, hurry! Let’s go! Let’s get it to the manager’s office, quick.

(They run across the park until they find Alice. She is looking through a garbage can.)

Marcia (pointing): Look!

Jan: Alice! Alice! We found Dad’s sketches!

Alice: Good for you!

Marcia: We’re out of breath, take them to the manager’s office.

Alice: Okay, kids, the Pony Express rides again.

(Alice runs with the sketches until she finds Bobby and Cindy, who are exiting a ride.)

Bobby: No, it’s not in there either.

Alice: Bobby! Cindy! Look, lend a leg. I’ve got to get these to the manager’s office, and my saddle broke about a mile back.

Bobby: Okay, we have little legs, but they go awfully fast.

(They run through the park with the sketches. They find Greg and Peter.)

Peter: Well, it’s not in the Skee ball place or the bumper cars.

Greg: I don’t think there’s any place we haven’t loked.

Bobby: Greg!

Cindy: Greg!

Bobby: Greg! Dad’s sketches, but we can’t run any more.

Greg: Come on, Pete!

(He grabs the sketches and he and Peter run. They find Carol.)

Greg: Mom!

Peter: Mom!

Greg: Mom! Dad’s sketches.

Carol: Oh, I hope it’s not too late.

(Mike is leaving the office with Mr. Remington and Mr. Dempsey.)

Mr. Remington: I’m sorry, Mr. Brady, but we do have a plane to catch.

Mike: Well, I can phone my office and have copies of the sketches sent in no time at all.

Mr. Remington: Well, I’m afraid that would be too late. We have to make the decision in the morning.

Mike: Thank you, anyway.

Mr. Remington: Pleasure.

Carol (running up): Mike, Mike! We found them! We found them!

(She gives them the sketches.)

Mike (relieved): I think I just made the deadline, unless my wife brought another bear poster. Honey, I’d like you to meet Mr. Remington and Mr. Dempsey. (to them) My wife, Carol.

Mr. Remington: Pleasure, Mrs. Brady.

Carol; Thank you.

Mike (checking the sketches): Let’s see. Huh, no bear poster.

Mr. Remington: Well, the board will give these every consideration. Nice meeting you, Mrs. brady.

Carol: Thank you. Nice meeting you.

(The men leave and the kids run up to the parents.)

Greg: Did they make it? Did they make it?

Carol: Yes.

Mike: The plans are on their way to New York.

(They all cheer.)

Peter: I’m in total wipeout.

Marcia: I can sleep all week.

Mike: Too bad you’re all exhausted. I was gonna suggest we go for a ride on the roller coaster.

(They all agree to it.)

Alice: If I’m not there in three days, start without me.

(The guys pick her up and drag her to the roller coaster. We next see the family (except for Mike) ride the roller coaster as the scene fades.)

NOTE: Robert Reed refused to ride the roller coaster in fear of safety issues. They say his refusal may have saved the rest of the cast’s lives.

(The final scene has Mike and Carol in their hotel room. They are packing up to leave.)

Carol: You know, I am really gonna hate to leave. The kids had so much fun here.

Mike: Yeah, you can include this big kid too.

(The phone rings. Carol answers.)

Carol: Hello. Oh, yes, operator, he is. Just a minute. Honey, it’s for you. Long distance. Mr. Phillips.

Mike (answering the phone): Hello. Hello, Mr. Philips. They did? Oh, good. That’s wonderful. Oh, thanks very much. We sure would. Right, good-bye.

(He hangs up.)

Mike (to Carol): Mr. Remington just phoned Mr. Philips from New York. Our sketches have been approved and they’re gonna go ahead with it.

Carol: Oh, congratulations, Mike.

(She hugs him.)

Mike: Yeah, and the boss just asked us to stay a couple of extra days at company expense. How about that?

Carol: Oh, well the kids will hate that. We’ll really have to force them.

Mike: Yeah. (There’s a knock on the door.) Come in.

(Peter is at the door in a bear costume.)

Mike: Greg, what are you doing in the bear suit again?

Peter: It’s not Greg, it’s me.

Carol: Peter? (He nods) What are you doing in there?

Peter: Well, that girl Marge has to work for her brother again, but Greg wants to take her out to lunch, so I’m filling in for her. Okay?

Mike: That’s very understanding of you.

Peter: I understand real good for five dollars.

(He leaves the room.)


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