S5 E14 Kelly’s Kids

Kelly’s Kids

Written by Sherwood Schwartz

Mike and Carol’s friends, Kathy and Ken Kelly, adopt three young orphans of different backgrounds. I hope you enjoy the script. NOTE: Some people do not consider this a Brady episode. To me it serves as a pilot for a potential spinoff series that, unfortunately, didn’t sell.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY (non-speaking)

PETER BRADY (non-speaking)

JAN BRADY (non-speaking)

BOBBY BRADY (non-speaking)

CINDY BRADY (non-speaking)

MATT, child the Kellys adopted

DWAYNE, Matt’s friend and another adoptee

STEVE, Matt’s other friend and fellow adoptee

MISS PHILLIPS, director of adoption agency

MRS. PAYNE, the Kellys neighbor

(The episode begins with all the kids outside playing. Greg and Peter were playing basketball. Bobby and Cindy playing with a frisbee and Marcia and Jan playing ping-pong. Mike and Carol are inside talking to their guests, Ken and Kathy Kelly.)

Ken: You know something. Your kids were our inspiration.

Carol: Your inspiration?

Kathy: After those talks with you and Mike, well. (She takes out a picture to show them) Look.

Carol: Oh, Mike, look, isn’t he cute?

Kathy: That’s Matt.

Mike: Matt?

Kathy: He’s 8 years old and all ours.

Ken: After tomorrow, he’s our son.

Carol (pleased): Your son.

Mike: Congratulations. (Carol hugs Kathy and Mike gives Ken a handshake) That’s why you got the bigger house.

Ken: Yeah. We didn’t want to say anything until after all the adoption papers were final.

Carol; Oh, you’re gonna love being parents. It is so much fun watching them grow, seeing them learn, sharing their love. (Suddenly, they hear a ruckus outside. It is the boys teasing the girls by playing the basketball on the ping pong table) Like I said, they’ve given us nothing but love.

Mike: And a little bit of high blood pressure. (He goes to the window and opens it) Kids, hey. Hold it down to a dull roar, huh.

Carol: Oh, he is such a cute little boy.

Kathy: Oh, he’s sweet, he’s bright, he’s open, he’s adorable.

Ken: And he’s housebroken, which is more than you can say for your kids when you got them.

(They laugh and the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Matt moving in with them. First, he sees the house, then they show him his room.)

Matt: Wow. Wow, this is the best room in the whole world. (He looks through the toy chest they laid out for him) Wow.

Ken: Not just toys. We got a lot more than that, son.

Matt: Yeah. (He finds a car) Racing cars. Real racing cars.

Kathy: And a real father and a real mother.

Matt: Are those crayons in the desk? I love to draw. (He notices other things in the room to interest him) I’m gonna be an artist, and a baseball player, and a fireman, a cowboy, and an astronaut.

Ken (jokingly): What about a nuclear scientist?

Matt: Okay.

(Mr. and Mrs. Kelly laugh. We next see Ken and Matt playing checkers.)

Ken: You beat me again. You must be a terrific checker player.

Matt: The other kids beat me all the time. You must be rotten.

(Later on, Kathy is showing him the bathroom.)

Kathy: Here’s where we keep the toothpaste, and here’s a brand new toothbrush for you.

Matt: Thanks. (She goes to help him with the toothpaste) Mom, I can brush my own teeth.

Kathy: Oh, I’m sorry (He brushes as she watches) I can go to the bathroom by myself too.

Kathy: Oh right, of course.

(She leaves. We next see her and Ken getting the bed ready for Matt.)

Kathy: Uh, it’s been a long, hard day.

Ken: For him or for us?

Kathy: For all of us, I think. He should be asleep in no time at all.

(Matt comes in wearing his pajamas.)

Matt: Do I have to go to sleep?

Kathy: You guessed it. Okay, off to bed now, come on.

(He kneels down to pray.)

Matt: God bless Mr. and Mrs. Kelly. (He looks up at them) I mean, Mom and Dad. Mrs. Phillips (to them) that’s the lady at the home. Dwayne and Steve, they’re my two best pals. And Joe and Julie and Hope. Wendy and Paul and Margaret and Mandy and Barbara and Jeannie and Tommy.

Ken: Is that all the children?

Matt: No, I left out Karen Martin. She bit me once.

Ken: Oh, well, that explains that.

Kathy: Into bed.

Ken: Yeah. Come on, in you go.

(He gets under the covers. Mrs. Payne, Ken and Kathy’s neighbor, rings their bell.)

Mrs. Payne: Good evening, Mr. Kelly.

Ken: Oh, Mrs. Payne.

Mrs. Payne: Mr. Kelly, I’ll come right to the point. When you moved in next door, Mr. Payne and I didn’t realize that you had children.

Ken: As a matter of fact we didn’t. Matt just joined our family today.

Mrs. Payne: Oh, an adopted child.

Ken: Yes, an adopted child.

Mrs. Payne: Well, be that as it may, Mr. Payne and I don’t have children, and we like to keep our home neat. Boys trample flowers, break windows and write on walls. Sometimes dreadful things.

Ken: I don’t think you have anything to worry about, Mrs. Payne.

Mrs. Payne: Well, I hope not. Our houses are rather close together. (He turns to go inside and she goes to leave, then stops) By the way, Mr. Kelly, I understand that you’re in show business.

Ken: I do a nightclub act.

Mrs. Payne: Well, suppose someone must.

(Kathy and Ken check in on Matt and see him snuffling.)

Kathy: What’s the matter?

matt (crying): Nothing.

Ken: Did something hurt you?

Matt: I was just thinking about something?

Kathy: About what?

Matt: About Dwayne and Steve and all the other kids at the home.

Kathy: Well, there’s lots of children in our neighborhood.

Matt: Yeah, but we all used to go to sleep at the same time. Dwayne on that side (the right) and Steve on that side (the left).

Ken: You’ll have lots of new friends soon.

Matt: I don’t want new friends. Dwayne and Steve were the best friends I ever had, in my whole life.

Kathy: Well, we can visit them.

Matt (raising his head): Can we really?

Ken: That’s a promise.

Matt: Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.

(He hugs them.)

Ken: Go back to sleep now.

(Matt falls asleep as we bring you to the Kellys bedroom. Ken comes in and Kathy is on the phone.)

Ken: He finally fell asleep.

Kathy (on the phone): Right, I can hardly wait to tell Ken that. Good-bye.

(She hangs up.)

Ken: What? tell me what?

Kathy: That was Carol Brady on the phone and I was telling her about how lonesome Matt was and we came up with an absolutely terrific idea.

Ken: Well, what is it?

Kathy: It’s really great.

Ken: I know it’s great, I also know it’s terrific, there’s only one thing I don’t know. What is it?

Kathy: Oh, didn’t I tell you? Oh (she realizes) sorry. Carol said the reason the Brady kids are never lonesome because there’s always another kid around.

Ken: Oh, I think I know what is it. Adopt another kid?

Kathy: Right, right. It should be much easier this time, I mean, we’ve been through all that red tape with Matt. We filled out all those forms and everything.

Ken: Well, it’ll cost more to raise two kids than one, you know. (She gives him a pleading look) Of course, we can put another bed in Matt’s room. (She eagerly awaits his answer) Yeah, honey, we can manage.

Kathy (excited): Fantastic! Fantastic! (They hug) But I don’t think we should do it right away.

Ken: When?

Kathy: Not until tomorrow.

(Ken and Kathy are down at the Terrace Adoption Home, where they adopted Matt from. They go in to see Ms. Phillips, who is in charge. They knock on the door to the office and she lets them in.)

Ms. Phillips: Mr. and Mrs. Kelly.

Ken: Hi, Miss Phillips.

Kathy: Hi, Miss Phillips.

Ms. Phillips: How’s Matthew?

Ken: Oh, he’s just fine.

Kathy: We left him with the Bradys, some neighbors of ours, while we came down to see you.

Ms. Phillips: Sit down.

Kathy: Oh, thank you.

Ms. Philips: Say, did I ever show you this paper weight that Matt made for me? (She picks the heavy object up) I am ready for a hurricane. (she puts it down) He’s quite a boy, Matt.

Ken: Yeah, he sure is. Do you have another one like him?

Ms. Phillips: Another one like…

Kathy: We thought it’d be a good idea if Matthew had a brother.

Ms. Phillips: Well.

Ken: He keeps talking about two boys who seem to be special friends of his.

Kathy: Dwayne and Steve.

Ms. Phillips: Dwayne and Steve. Yes, they’re both great boys.

(We take you to outside in the backyard, where all the children are playing. Dwayne and Steve are painting a picture.)

Ms. Phillips: Dwayne and Steve, yoo hoo.

Steve (to Dwayne): Hey, they’re calling us. Come on.

Ms. Phillips: Dwayne, Steve, this is Mr. and Mrs. Kelly.

Boys: Hi.

(They shake hands with the Kellys)

Ken: Hello, Dwayne, hello Steve.

Kathy: Well, you’re both good friends with Matt, aren’t you.

Dwayne: Yeah, Matt’s a real nice guy.

Steve: He’s our best friend.

Dwayne: Miss Phillips used to cal us the 3 musketeers.

Steve: That’s because we always played together.

Ken: I see.

(Two girls are fighting over a rope in tug-of-war style.)

Ms. Phillips: Excuse me, a definite war is about to begin.

Kathy: Right.

Dwayne: Matt got adopted yesterday.

Steve: He was real lucky. Most people like to adopt little babies.

Dwayne: It’s harder for us big guys.

Steve: Yeah.

Kathy: Well, you’re both fine boys. I’m sure you’ll both be adopted very soon by some nice family.

Ken: That’s right. Well, we didn’t mean to interrupt your painting. We’ll be running along now.

Dwayne: Bye.

Steve: Bye.

Kathy: Good bye.

(They return to the painting as the Kellys watch. Cut to the Brady house, where they are discussing the matter with Mike and Carol.)

Ken: Then we came right over here to talk this over with you.

Kathy: We thought that you’d be able to give us advice better than anyone else.

Ken: Now, the fact that Dwayne is black and Steve is oriental surprised us a little bit at first. But, what difference does that really make?

Kathy: After all, a boy is a boy is a boy. Whether he’s white or black or yellow or blue.

Carol: Well, I…

Ken: Oh, I know it presents certain problems but everything in life presents certain problems. Right?

Mike: Oh, right. I think…

Kathy: The biggest problem is trying to decide between Dwayne and Steve. They’re both such fine boys.

Ken: That’s when we started to talk about adopting both of them. Instead of putting two beds in the room, we’ll just put three beds in the room, that’s all.

Kathy: Raising three boys can’t be much more difficult than raising two boys.

Ken: If anyone knows the answer to that, you do.

Mike: Well, yeah, I guess.

Ken: In a way, you adopted three boys and you adopted three girls.

Carol: Yes, we did…

Kathy: That’s why we know exactly what you would do if you were in our place.

Ken: You’d adopt both Dwayne and Steve, right?

Kathy: Right, so we decided to follow your advice.

Ken: Thanks so much for talking this over with us.

Carol: Aww, so glad to be of help.

Kathy: Oh, oh, may we leave Matt here while we go over and make the arrangements for the two boys.

Mike: Oh, sure.

Mike: Of course.

Ken: Thanks again.

(He kisses Carol on the cheek and she kisses Kathy’s cheek.)

Carol: Oh, good luck.

Kathy: Thank you.

Carol: Bye, bye.

Mike: Don’t mean nothing.

(The Kellys leave and Mike and Carol laugh to each other.)

Carol: Do you suppose we were like that?

Mike: I guess probably.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Matt setting the table while Kathy is cooking dinner.)

Kathy: Whoops. We have the fork on the left and the knives and spoons on the right.

Matt: I forgot.

Kathy: Oh, we can’t count on everything in a week.

Matt: Hey, why so many plates, Mom.

Kathy: Five.

Matt: There’s only three of us.

Kathy: Your Dad is bringing home a couple of old friends today.

(Ken comes home.)

Ken: Hello.

Kathy: Hi, honey. (to Matt) Wait till you see who we have with us.

(He turns around and sees Dwayne and Steve.)

Dwayne: Matt.

Matt: Dwayne, Steve. (They huddle) What are you guys doing here?

Dwayne: We’re going to live here.

Steve: Mr. Kelly is adopting us too.

Dwayne: We’re gonna be brothers!

Matt: Brothers!

Steve: Yeah!

(They cheer and huddle more.)

Ken: You’re back together again, the three musketeers.

(They huddle a little harder.)

Kathy: Hey, musketeers, is anybody hungry?

(They all sit down and have dinner. That evening, the boys get ready for bed. It’s not long before they argue over which bed to sleep in.)

Steve: Hey, how come you get that bed?

Matt: You guys take the bunks, this one’s mine.

Dwayne: How come this one is yours?

Matt: I’ve been sleeping in it all week.

Styeve: We ought to take turns.

Dwayne: Yeah.

Matt: This one’s mine.

Steve: Let’s get him.

Dwayne: Yeah.

(They pull the covers off him and grab pillows. Ken comes in.)

Ken: Hey, hey, what’s going on? Come on, somebody’s gonna get… (He gets accidentally hit with a pillow) So that’s the way you want it, huh.

(He joins in the fight and Kathy comes in.)

Kathy: I haven’t got three little boys, I got four little boys. (The phone rings) Oh, oh, I’ll get the phone. You put them to bed, okay.

(They all groan at the idea of going to bed.)

Ken: No, no, no, I’m sorry, guys. it’s time for bed. No, you’re going right to bed.

Kathy (on the phone with Carol): Everything’s fine, Carol. Mrs. Phillips waited the usual waiting period and the boys are with us now.

Carol (on the other end): Oh, Kathy, I’m so glad.

Kathy: Oh, they’ve been absolute angels. I can hardly wait for Monday when I take those three to school to register them. What an assortment.

Carol: Yeah, the Kelly rainbow.

(Meanwhile, Ken is in the room with the boys. She shows them his nightclub routine.)

Ken: Okay, troops, now I’m gonna show you one more time and then we’ll all go together. Okay.

Matt: Okay.

Ken: Okay, it starts with the soft shoe step. (He dances while carrying a cane and wearing a hat) Now we turn, and remember the cane trick I showed you? And a slide, and now the big finish (He dances more) And the hat. (He takes the hat off) Okay, wanna try it together? Ready? All right, here we go. And the soft shoe (He dances again and they copy him) Good, good, good, now the cane trick. And a slide, and now the big finish, and the hat. Good, good, hey, you’re doing great, doing great. Let me get back here where I can watch you. Let’s bat one more time. (Kathy comes to the room) And the soft shoe, and, and to the right, and then the paddle turn. (He sees Kathy) Hi, we were just getting ready for bed, right, guys?

(They all say good night and get in their beds.)

Kathy: Uh, big finish.

(Next, Mrs. Payne comes to the door again.)

Ken: Oh, hi.

Mrs. Payne: Mr. Kelly, I see you now have several children.

Ken: Of various colors, one might say.

Ken: You just did.

Mrs. Payne: Mind you, I’m not a bigot. I believe that blacks, yellows, every body has a place in our society. Mr. Payne and I even managed to be cordial to the Shapiros on the next block.

Ken (sarcastically): That’s very generous of you.

Mrs. Payne: We try. Nevertheless, three small boys are apt to be destructive, especially the minorities.

Ken (scornfully): Congratulations, Mrs. Payne, you have my vote for neighbor of the year.

Mrs. Payne: I consider that remark un-called for.

Ken: If nobody calls for it in 30 days, it’s all yours, baby.

(He shuts the door on her. Kathy comes back from trying to speak to her. She is in a foul mood.)

Kathy: Ken, you’re right. That woman is absolutely impossible.

Ken: Honey, you shouldn’t have gone over there to try to reason with her.

Kathy: She makes Archie Bunker sound like a liberal.

(Meanwhile, Dwayne wakes up in a thirsty mood.)

Dwayne: I’m thirsty, I’m gonna get some milk.

Steve: You better not. You’ll have an accident during the night.

Dwayne: What do you care if I have an accident?

Steve: You sleep right up there.

Dwayne: Come on, you get a drink too.

Steve: Okay.

(They go outside and hear Ken and Kathy talking in the kitchen.)

Ken: Just be happy she isn’t twins. She could be living on both sides of us.

Kathy: Ken, I just can’t forget those terrible things she said about Dwayne and Steve. Believe me, she’s gonna give us nothing but trouble because of those two little boys.

Ken: That’s for sure. If she could, she’d buy this house and kick us out of here.

Kathy: She already told me she was gonna try and kick me out of the P.T.A., and I know she’s gonna have Mr. Payne try and kick you out of the Optimist Club and every other organization.

(The boys go back to their room.)

Ken: Well, I hate to be rude to a lady, but on the other hand, she’s no lady.

(Kathy says she’s no lady with him.)

Kathy: Well, I already told her what I thought of her. Nobody is gonna interfere with Dwayne and Steve if I can help it.

Ken: At a girl.

Kathy: Right.

Ken: Mrs. Payne or no Mrs. Payne, we’re gonna make those boys happy.

Kathy: Right.

(They kiss. Meanwhile, Dwayne and Steve write a note stating they’re running away, thinking they’re causing all the trouble.)

Steve: Did you write how much we like it here?

Dwayne: I wrote it.

Steve: Did you write how much we hate to cause trouble?

Dwayne: I wrote it.

Steve: Did you write how much….

Dwayne: I wrote it. I wrote everything now. I’m just signing my name now.

Steve: Okay, then I’ll sign mine.

(Dwayne signs his name, then does Steve. They take their belongings and atart to sneak out. Matt wakes up.)

Matt: Hey, where you guys going?

Dwayne: Away.

(Steve shushes him.)

Matt: How come?

Steve: We’re too much trouble.

Dwayne: Mrs. Payne is gonna get Mr. Kelly kicked out of here.

Steve: And she’s gonna get Mrs. Kelly kicked out of the P.T.A.

Dwayne: And Mr. Payne won’t let Dad become an optometrist.

Matt: If you guys are going, I’m going with you.

Steve: You’re not causing any trouble. They said Dwayne and Steve.

Matt: We’re the three musketeers. One for all and all for one.

(They put their hands over each other’s. They show up at the Bradys’ house. They are sleeping outside and Greg is coming home. He notices them.)

Greg: Hey, hey, who are you guys?

Matt: I’m Matt.

Dwayne: I’m Dwayne.

Steve: I’m Steve.

Matt: We’re brothers.

Greg: Brothers?

Matt: Since 5 o’clock.

Greg: Oh, you must be the Kelly kids. What are you doing here?

Dwayne: We’re running away.

Steve: And we didn’t know where to go.

Matt: I stayed here before. You got so many kids I figured maybe nobody would notice us.

Greg: Well, don’t you like Mr. and Mrs. Kelly?

Dwayne: We like them a lot.

Steve: We love them. That’s why Dwayne and me are running away.

Matt: And I’m helping them.

Greg (confused): It’s getting kind of late. Why don’t you come in the house with me.

(Inside, the boys are sittng in the family room with Mike. Carol comes in.)

Carol: More hot chocolate?

Dwayne: Yeah, I’d like some more.

Steve: Boy, he drinks al the time.

Dwayne: So what? You got nothing to worry about now.

Mike: You guys don’t by any chance sleep in bunk beds, do you.

Steve: Yes.

(They all laugh.)

Carol: Where are you guys heading?

Steve: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe out west.

Dwayne: We are out west.

Matt: Maybe out east.

Mike: Wherever you go, you better send an address. I think Mr. and Mrs. Kelly would like to keep in touch.

Carol: I know they’re quite interested in knowing where you are.

(The Kellys come in an dfind them. Carol and Mike walk out.)

Ken: Thank you.

(Kathy kisses all of them.)

Ken: Do you know how worried we were about you guys.

Matt, Dwayne and Steve: No.

Ken: Well, plenty. That’s how much. We had no idea…

Matt: How did you find us?

Kathy: That’s not important.

Ken: What is important is for us to stick together.

Dwayne: But Mrs. Payne said…

Kathy: We don’t care what Mrs. Payne said. We care about you.

Ken: You’re our family. We want you boys to grow up with parents.

Kathy: And we want to grow up with children.

Dwayne: We’d love that. But we didn’t want to cause any more trouble.

Steve: That’s why Dwayne and me left.

Matt: And I went with them. Because we’re the three musketeers.

Ken: Well, you’re wrong about that. You’re not the three musketeers.

Dwayne: Huh?

Matt: We’re not?

Matt: No, you’re not. We are the five musketeers.

(Alice comes in.)

Alice: Excuse me, folks. I thought I heard a noise (Pause) Now, you two may be Mr. and Mrs. Brady, but you three definitely are not Greg, Peter and Bobby.

Matt: Hi, Alice.

Kathy: Matthew, Dwayne and Steve.

Steve: Hi, Alice.

Matt: Hi.

Dwayne: Hi.

Alice (waving): Hi, kids.

Kathy: We’re sorry we woke you.

Ken: Yeah, we were just passing through.

Alice: Passing through?

Kathy: Right, on our way home. Come on, boys.

Steve: Bye, Alice.

Matt: Bye, Alice.

Dwayne: We’re going home.

Ken: Get some sleep.

(The scene fades away.)

(The final scene has the boys outside playing in the yard with the Brady kids. Mike, Carol and the Kellys are looking out through the family room window.)

Kathy: The boys get such a big kick out of visiting here.

Carol: Well, that’s what neighbors are for.

Ken: Oh, by the way, we want to thank you for sending the kids this book.

Kathy: I guess you knew the three musketeers would make a very big hit.

Mike: Well, it wasn’t hard to figure out. How come you brought it back?

Kathy: We wanted to show you what they’ve done with it.

Carol: What do you mean?

Ken: They said they had to fix it.

(They show the Bradys a picture, which they colored with black and yellow faces.)

Carol (pleased): Oh, Mike.

Mike: Hey, that’s great.

THE END

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