S5 E18 Two Pete’s In A Pod

Two Pete’s In A Pod

Written by Sam Locke and Milton Pascal

Peter’s new friend Arthur looks exactly like him. I hope you enjoy the script.












ARTHUR, Peter’s friend and lookalike

MICHELLE, Peter’s girlfriend

PAMELA, Mr. Phillips’ niece

(The episode begins at Fillmore Junior High School. Peter is pursuing Michelle, a pretty girl he likes.)

Peter: Think it over real hard. Please, for me.

Michelle: Maybe.

Peter: It’s a costume party. You’ll have lots of fun. Everybody has to be there in a costume. I’m going as Dracula.

Michelle: Well, I’ll think it over. Okay?

Peter: Come on, Michelle, you just got to say yes.

Michelle: Well, I kind of have a date that night.

Peter: Well, you’ll have a much better time at the costume party with me. I’m charming, witty, handsome and very modest. (She laughs) Besides, I’ve been trying to date you practically all semester, and I’m getting a rejection complex.

Michelle; Well, in the interest of mental health, okay.

Peter (excited): You’ll really go with me?

Michelle: I just said I would. Do you want me to have the principal notarize it?

Peter (ecstatic): Yes, I mean no, I mean wow. I’ll pick you up at 7 Friday night. Okay?

Michelle: Okay. Bye, Peter.

Peter: Bye.

(Peter is so overwhelmed with ecstacy that he runs to his class. He bumps into another kid.)

Peter: Sorry. (He and the other kid get up from the floor. They take a look at each other and discover they look exactly alike, only the other kid is wearing glasses.) Holy maceral, you look just like me!

Arthur: And you look like me without glasses.

Peter: My name is Peter Brady. What’s yours?

Arthur: Arthur Owens.

Peter: How come we never met before?

Arthur: I just transferred to this school yesterday. Boy, are we gonna drive the teachers out of their skulls.

Peter: Yeah. Hey, are you busy right after school yesterday?

Arthur: No, why?

Peter: How would you like to have a little fun putting someone on?

Arthur: Sure, who?

Peter: My family. It’ll be a real blast.

Arthur: You think we can fool them?

Peter: I don’t know, but think of the possibilities if we can.

Arthur: Yeah.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene begins with Bobby, Cindy and Oliver in the family room. Bobby and Cindy are playing checkers. Cindy makes a move and Oliver shakes his head no. She makes another move and he nods. Peter is watching from outside and Arthur is waiting over at the garage.)

Peter: Okay, Bobby, Cindy and Oliver are in the family room.

Arthur: Oliver’s your cousin, right.

Peter: Right, you know who everybody else is. Now go in and see if you can fool them and come right back out.

Artur: Okay.

(He takes his glasses off and puts them in his pocket. Cindy makes another move and Oliver nods.)

Bobby: Hey, no coaching Oliver. I saw you shake your head.

(Alice looks over thought he kitchen and Arthur comes in.)

Bobby: Hey, Pete, you wanna play the winner?

Arthur: No thanks, checkers is a drag.

Cindy: Since when?

Bobby: Yeah, you’re a checkers freak.

Arthur: Oh, what I mean is, I used to like checkers.

Alice: Hey Peter, come here, I want you to do me a favor.

(He comes in the kitchen.)

Arthur: What’s the favor?

Alice: A flavor favor. I need your expert pie tasting ability. How big a hunk can you handle?

Arthur: The hunkiest. (She cuts him a piece of lemon pie) I’d rather have cherry.

Alice: But I made this lemon pie especially for you. Cherry makes you break out in a rash. Remember.

Arthur: It does? Oh, it does. Right, a rash.

Alice: Guess you forgot because it’s been so long since you scratched.

Peter: Well, I’ll live dangerously. I’ll have the piece of cherry anyway.

Alice: Well, it’s our itch. If anybody needs me, I’ll be in the laundry room unwrinkling a wrinkled Prue shirt.

(He has his pie and waves to Peter, who is watching from outside. Greg and Marcia come by.)

Marcia: Hey, Pete, you want to go with us?

Greg: Larry invited us over for a swim.

Peter: I don’t swim.

Greg: Are you kidding? You’re a good swimmer.

Peter: I mean, I don’t swim when I don’t feel like swimming. You and Jan go along.

Marcia: Jan?

Peter: Did I say Jan?

Greg: On second thought, maybe it’s a good thing you’re not going swimming, Pete. Your brain’s waterlogged.

(They go outside and walk by Peter but don’t see him.)

Greg (to Marcia): Peter’s sure acting strange.

(Jan comes out to Arthur.)

Jan: Peter, Peter, you promised to help me with my algebra.

Arthur: Wow, you sure are pretty.

Jan: Cut the corny compliments. You still have to help me.

Arthur: I’ll help you anytime.

Jan: Well, you sure have changed.

(Carol is walking down the stairs and the phone rings.)

Carol: I’ll get it. (she answers) Hello. Oh, hello, Mr. Phillips. Oh, no, I’m sorry. Mike isn’t home yet. Yeah, I see.

(Mike comes through the door.)

Mike: Hello.

Carol: Oh, hold on a second, Mr. Phillips. Mike just walked in. (she hands him the phone) Honey, it’s Mr. Phillips, he has a problem about Friday night.

(They kiss and he takes the phone.)

Mike: Hello, Mr. Phillips. Yeah, oh yeah. I see. Ah, well, Peter’s 15. It wouldn’t be a problem at all if he’s not busy. Hang on a second, I’ll ask him right now. (He calls) Peter, Peter!

Jan (to Arthur): Peter, Dad’s calling you.

Peter: Oh, yeah. Yeah, Dad.

Mike: You free Friday night?

Arthur: Yeah, I guess so.

Mike: How would you feel about entertaining my boss’s niece? She’s visiting from outta town.

Arthur: Sure, I guess it’s okay.

(Mike gets back on the phone.)

Mike: Mr. Phillips, it’s all set. Your niece has a date Friday night with a very eligible bachelor.

(He gets back to helping Jan.)

Arthur: That’s the right answer, Jan.

Jan: Good. Will you help me with something else?

Arthur: I’d love to.

Jan: You’re sure a new Peter Brady. I’ll be right back.

(Peter motions to Arthur to come outside.)

Arthur: Fantastic!

Peter: Didn’t anybody get suspicious?

Arthur (putting his glasses on): I fooled them all, even your Dad.

Peter: That’s great.

Arthur: Next time let’s try it on my folks.

Peter: Okay, I’ll see you in school tomorrow.

Arthur: Okay.

(Peter goes inside where the younger kids are playing.)

Peter: Hey, how about me playing the winner.

Cindy: But you said checkers was a drag.

Oliver: Yeah, you said checkers was a drag.

Peter: I did? (Bobby nods) Well, I just undragged it.

(He goes into the kitchen.)

Bobby: I was wrong. He’s not a checkers freak, he’s a freaky freak.

(Peter goes to cut a piece of lemon pie and Alice comes out.)

Alice: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Peter; Hi, Alice. Boy, am I starved.

Alice: One piece of pie before dinner is enough?

Peter: Right, I’ll only have one piece.

Alice: Which you have already had.

Peter (disbelievingly): I had?

Alice: Don’t give me that innocent look, and don’t blame me if you get a rash.

Peter: A rash! From what?

Alice: You know from what. That piece of cherry pie you ate.

Peter: Huh. Oh, yeah, that. you’re right, I shouldn’t have eaten it. I’m getting itchy already.

Alice: Did you change your shirt?

Peter: No, why?

(She walks off and Jan comes by.)

Jan: I’ll really appreciate your help, Peter.

Peter: What help?

Jan: That you’re gonna give me on this composition.

Peter: You got to be kidding. Next time, ask first.

Jan (disappointed): I knew it couldn’t last.

(She goes in the family room and Peter sneaks a piece of pie.)

(Cut to the living room. Mike and Carol are discussing plans for a banquet for Mr. Phillips.)

Mike: Not only am I stuck with being the master of ceremonies at the banquet in Mr. Phillips’ honor, but we drew straws at the office, and I’m in charge of buying a gift. Got any suggestions?

Carol: Oh, I know exactly what to get him, something with exquisite taste, that he absolutely loves, and that he can really use.

Mike: What else?

Carol: I’ll leave the details to you.

Peter (coming around): Hi.

Mike: Hi, Peter that was very nice of you and I appreciate it.

Peter: That’s okay. (Pause) What was nice of me?

Mike: Offering to entertain Pamela Friday night.

Peter (surprised): Pamela?

Mike: Mr. Phillips’ niece who’s visiting from out of town. You said you’d do it.

Peter: I did?

Mike: Yes, you did.

Peter: This Friday night?

Carol: Peter, are you all right?

Peter: Yeah, it’s just that I already got a date Friday night.

Mike: Well then why didn’t you say that before?

Peter: I wasn’t exactly myself before.

Carol: Peter, look, if you said you’d do it, you have to. You can’t disappoint Mr. Phillips.

Peter: But I can’t cancel out Michelle, not after 6 months of hard labor trying to get a date.

Mike: Switch it.

Carol: She’ll understand. (We next see Peter calling Arthur.)

Arthur: Hello.

Peter: Hello, Arthur. It’s me, Peter. (more sternly) Peter Brady.

Arthur: Oh, hi, Peter. I’m glad you called. I forgot to tell you something this afternoon.

Peter: Boy, you sure did.

Arthur: I know about your date this Friday.

Peter: Thanks to you, I got two dates. I’m really in a spot.

Arthur: I’m really sorry. I wish I could help you out.

Peter: So do I. I’d have to be twins (Pause) Hey, did you hear what I just said?

Arthur: Yeah, what?

Peter: One of me am twins and one of me is named Arthur.

Arthur: What do you mean?

Peter: Well, you made a date with Pamela, right? Well, you’re gonna keep that date and I’m gonna keep my other date with Michelle?

Arthur: I don’t know, Peter.

Peter: You got me into this, you gotta get me out. It’s only fair.

Arthur (sheepishly): Yeah, I guess so. Okay.

Peter: Super, I’ll handle all the details.

Arthur: What time Friday?

Peter: I have to pick up Michelle around 7, so get here a little bit before, and wear the same thing as me, a white tee shirt and blue jeans. Okay?

Peter: Okay. Boy, I sure hope nothing goes wrong.

Peter: Will you relax, what could possibly go wrong?

Arthur: Bye.

Peter: Bye. (He hangs up, to himself) Peter Brady, you’re some kind of genius.

(The scene fades.)

(In the next scene, Mike is in the family room with Carol. Alice and Greg.)

Mike: Oh, first of all, I should explain that this is not an ordinary banquet honoring Mr. Phillips, right. This is a roast. You know, instead of saying nice things about the guest of honor, your speech is insulting.

Alice: You’re gonna insult your own boss?

Mike: Humorously.

Alice: Let’s hope the next day you don’t humorously show up at the unemployment office.

Carol: Oh no, Alice, Mr. Phillips has a great sense of humor.

Greg: Oh sure, that’s why he hired an architect like Dad.

Mike: This is supposed to be a roast for my boss, not for me.

Carol: Honey, can we hear your speech?

Mike: Yes, yes. (He reads) Ladies and gentlemen.

Carol: Oh, terrific.

Mike: You like the opening, do you. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s only fitting that we honor Mr. Phillips tonight, because Mr. Phillips has come a long way in the past 25 years. The first building Mr. Phillips ever designed was so shaky that the termites had to hold ants to keep it from collapsing. (Alice laughs out loud but Carol and Greg don’t) Don’t you get it?

Greg: Sure.

Mike: And the walls were so thin that if you stripped off the wallpaper, you’d be in the next room.

(Alice laughs heartily again.)

Alice: Gee, Mr. Brady, you’re as funny as Bob Hope and Milton Berle.

Carol: He ought to be, those are their jokes.

(She and Greg laugh.)

Mike: Maybe I ought to go on the road with this material after the banquet.

Carol: No, I think you ought to go on the road before the banquet. (They all laugh again and an offended Mike walks out) Oh, we’re only kidding. Come back, Mike.

(Marcia is in her room combing her hair and Peter comes in.)

Peter: Hi, Marcia, how’s my favorite sister.

Marcia: Suspicious. I’m only your favorite sister when you want something.

Peter: What could I possibly want. I’m just a loving brother who’s willing to pay his loving sister’s way to a movie tonight, and I’ll even let her bring Jan, Bobby, Cindy and Oliver with her.

Marcia: No thanks.

Peter: You don’t have to answer me so fast. Think it over.

Marcia: I’ve already got a date, Peter. Greg has too. And besides, you don’t have to worry about us butting in on your date with Pamela.

(Marcia gets up and leaves while Peter gives the struck out signal. Jan comes in from the bathroom.)

Peter: Hi, Jan, how’s my favorite sister?

Jan: I already heard, so you could stop the baloney.

Peter: Suppose you got a date, too.

Jan: Yeah, to take Bobby, Cindy and Oliver to the movies if you’re really paying.

Peter (excited): I’m paying, thanks.

(We take you to outside, where Peter tries to persuade the younger kids to go to the movies that evening.)

Cindy: Sorry, Pete, we want to stay home and watch TV tonight.

Peter: But there’s a real good movie playing.

Bobby: We might change our minds, if the movie included certain other things.

Cindy: Yeah, certain other things.

Oliver: I’m with them.

Peter: I said I was buying the tickets.

Bobby: Well, watching a movie without popcorn can be pure torture.

Cindy: The worst kind.

Peter: Okay, I’ll throw in the popcorn.

Oliver: With butter?

Peter (bitterly): With butter?

Bobby: Well, you got to have something to wash it down with. Right, you guys?

Oliver: Yeah, you can’t just let it stick there.

Peter: Okay, you can have ice cream, too.

Bobby: Ice cream. Hey, thanks for reminding me. I meant soda pop.

Peter (angry): Compared to you three, Jesse James was a choirboy!

(Next, Alice is showing Peter what food they have in the refrigerator for him and his date.)

Alice: Okay, we got sandwiches, fresh fruit, what’s left of the pie, pudding, three kinds of soft drinks, some mixed nuts. Do you think you and Pamela could struggle along on that?

Peter: That should be enough for a light snack. (Alice laughs) Thanks, Alice.

Alice: You’re welcome. If you and Pamela need me, I’ll be in my room watching the early show, the late show or whatever comes in between.

Peter: Good. I mean, I’m sure we won’t need anything.

Alice: Okay.

(Mike and Carol are leaving for the banquet.)

Mike (calling): Peter, we’re leaving.

Carol: Peter, aren’t you going to change? Mr. Phillips will be dropping Pamela off soon.

Peter: Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll be ready for her.

Mike: Well, have a nice time, son.

Peter: I know I will. I hope Pamela does too.

(He laughs.)

Carol: Good night, Peter.

Peter: Good night.

(Later on, Peter answers the door for Pamela, who just got dropped off.)

Pamela: Thanks, Uncle Ed. (to Peter) Hi, I’m Pam Phillips.

Peter: Hi, I’m Peter Brady. Come on in. It’s nice meeting you.

Pamela: You too. Thanks for having me over.

Peter: That’s okay. You want to listen to some records?

Pamela: Sure, I’d love to.

Peter: The record player is back in the family room. (The phone rings) Straight through the kitchen. Make yourself at home, I’ll be right with you.

Pamela: Okay.

(Peter answers the phone. It’s Arthur.)

Peter: Hello.

Arthur: Hi, Peter. it’s me, Arthur.

Peter: Where are you? You’re supposed to be here.

Arthur: I’m still at home. I’m gonna be a little late.

Peter: Well, Pam just arrived and I’m supposed to pick up Michelle in half an hour.

Arthur: Look, I can’t leave my kid sister unitl my folks get home.

Peter: Well, how long will that be?

Arthur: I’m not sure.

Peter: Well, get here as fast as you can. I’ll call Michelle and stall her.

(They hang up. Peter goes to call Michelle and the doorbell rings again. Peter goes to answer it.)

Michelle: Hi, Peter. Surprise.

Peter (impulsively): Michelle!

(He slams the door in her face and blocks the door so Pamela wouldn’t see her. Michelle hits the door and he opens it.)

Michelle (offended): What kind of a welcome do you call that?

(Peter comes outside with her.)

Peter: Sorry, it’s just that surprises are pretending to surprise me. What are you doing here?

Michelle: My brother dropped me off to save you a trip. I thought that was very thoughtful.

Peter (sarcastically): Yeah, very.

Michelle: Where’s your costume?

Peter: Oh, it’s right inside. I’ll go put it on.

(He rushes inside and shuts the door. Michelle knocks and he opens the door.)

Michelle: Peter, aren’t you gonna let me in?

Peter: Oh yeah, come on in. My costume’s right in here. (He gets it out of the closet) I’ll go put it on. You wait right here in the living room. You can watch TV while you’re waiting.

Michelle: Well, don’t be long.

(She goes to sit on the couch.)

Peter: Don’t sit there. The view is much better from over there (the chair). Oh, there’s a great movie on TV, you’ll love it. But, don’t you move out of that seat.

Michelle: Why not?

Peter: I just wouldn’t want you to miss any of the movie, that’s all. Be right back.

(He rushes out of the living room and Michelle looks confused. He puts his costume in the broom closet in the kitchen. He then goes back to Pamela.)

Peter: Hi. sorry I took so long. Somebody came to the door right after the phone. (He closes the window screen) You know, a salesman.

Pamela: Peter, what are you doing?

Peter: It’s to close out a draft, I just got over a cold. (He fakes a cough and turns on the record player) How’s that?

Pamela: Super, let’s dance.

(They start to dance but Peter fakes a knee injury.)

Pamela: What’s the matter?

Peter: My knee. An old football injury. I better go take a look at it.

Pamela: Let me help you.

Peter: No, no. I mean, I just met you. I couldn’t let you look at my naked knee.

(Peter rushes into the broom closet to put his costume back on. Pamela waits in the family room and Michelle is still in the living room watching television. Just as he goes to join Michelle, Alice comes out for a snack.)

Peter (to Michelle): Good evening, I want to bite your neck.

(Michelle laughs.)

Michelle: That’s really neat, Peter. You make a fantastic Dracula. Let’s go now, huh.

Peter: Oh, uh, what’s the hurry? Let’s have a glass of blood. I’ll go get a cold drink.

(He goes back into the kitchen and sees a surprised Alice.)

Alice: Peter, what in the world is that?

Peter; I’ll explain later, Alice. Right now I need a bottle of pop.

Alice: Just remember to be back in your box of dirt by dawn.

(Alice goes inside and Peter gets out of his costume. Pamela comes out to see how he is.)

Pamela: Peter.

(She tries to open the door but he pushes it shut.)

Peter: Wait a minute, Pamela. This knee’s a pretty messy sight.

Pamela: Are you okay?

Peter: I’ll pull through. I’ll be right there.

(He puts his costume back in the closet but forgets to take his wig off.)

Peter: Hi, I’m back.

Pamela: Peter, your hair.

Peter: My hair? (she realizes he left the wig on) Oh, my hair. It’s just a little joke. I’m always making jokes. How about a cold drink.

Pamela: Well, I really don’t feel….

Peter: Swell. I’ll be right back.

(Peter takes his costume out and puts it on again. Alice opens the door and watches him in disbelief. He goes back outside with Pamela.)

Michelle; My dear, Count Dracula has returned.

Michelle; Peter, I really don’t want to miss any of that party.

Peter: Don’t worry, it’ll be going on for hours. (The bell rings) On the other hand, let’s leave right after I get the door.

Michelle: Peter, you’re acting kind of weird.

Peter: Us vampires are supposed to be weird.

(He answers the door and it’s Arthur.)

Arthur: Hi.

(Peter comes outside to speak to him.)

Peter: Boy, am I glad to see you. Go around the back and come in like you did last time.

Arthur: You mean where the kids were playing checkers?

Peter: Right. Pamela’s there. Keep her entertained and I’ll meet you out back in a couple of hours.

Arthur: Gotcha.

Peter: And take off your glasses.

Arthur: Right.

(He takes them off and goes in the family room from the back. Peter comes back inside.)

Peter: Just a girl scout selling cookies.

Michelle: Can we go now, please?

Peter: Sure. Just let me get the tickets from my wallet.

(Meanwhile, Arthur comes in the family room.)

Arthur: Hi.

Pamela: But you just went that way. (the kitchen door)

Arthur: Well, it’s bad luck the enter a room the same way you went out. It’s an old superstition.

Pamela; Well, I never heard of it.

Arthur: Well, that shows how old it is. You wanna dance?

(They dance.)

Pamela: Is your knee okay?

Arthur: Sure, why?

Pamela: I thought you hurt it playing football.

Arthur: Whatever gave you that idea?

(Carol and Mike come in.)

Mike: Hi, kids.

Carol: Hi, we’re Peter’s parents.

Pamela: I’m Pamela Phillips.

Mike: We’ll be right out of your way. i forgot the notes to my speech.

(They head to the kitchen.)

Carol (to Mike): She’s cute, isn’t she?

Mike: Yeah.

(They see Michelle watching television.)

Carol: Hello.

Michelle: Hi.

Mike: I don’t think we’ve met.

Michelle: I’m Michelle. Are you Peter’s parents?

Carol: That’s right.

Michelle: I have a date with Peter tonight.

Carol: Peter Brady?

Michelle: We’re going to a costume party.

(Peter comes down the stairs and sees a confused Mike and Carol.)

Peter: Hi.

Carol: Mike, I’m seeing double.

Peter: I guess I better start from the beginning.

Carol: Yes, especially for those of us who came in after the picture started.

(Next, Peter is explaining the situation to Carol.)

Peter: Well, it was Arthur who made the date with Pamela in the first place, and Arthur kept the date with Pamela in the second place. So what’s the harm?

Carol: The harm is in the third place. I mean, you tried to put one over on pamela.

Pamela: I don’t mind, Mrs. Brady. I’m really glad it worked out this way. Arthur likes to dance and he’s got two good knees.

Michelle: I don’t mind either, I’m flattered to think Peter would go through so much trouble to keep our date.

Carol: Well, as long as everybody’s happy, I guess that’s all that counts.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Carol and Alice in the kitchen the next morning.)

Alice: Good morning, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Good morning, Alice.

Alice: Did you have a nice evening?

Carol: Oh, it was fun. How about you?

Alice: Well, not so fun. Seeing Peter in that Dracula outfit made me have a horrible dream.

Carol: Oh, I’m sorry, Alice. What was the dream about?

Alice: First I dreamed I was carried off by Dracula, then I was carried off by the Wolfman, then I was carried off by Frankenstein’s monster.

Carol: Oh, Alice, that is horrible.

Alice: That wasn’t the horrible part.

Carol: What was?

Alice: While I was proposed.


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