Top Secret
Written by Howard Ostroff
An F.B.I. agent comes to give Mike clearance on a government project he is working on. Bobby has a delusion that Mike is working undercover. I hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
MIKE BRADY
CAROL BRADY
ALICE NELSON
GREG BRADY
MARCIA BRADY
PETER BRADY
JAN BRADY
BOBBY BRADY
CINDY BRADY
COUSIN OLIVER
SAM THE BUTCHER
FRED SANDERS, F.B.I. agent
MR. GRONSKY, Sam’s landlord
(Bobby is putting up a deck of cards while Oliver watches. After he finishes, they all fall down. The doorbell rings.)
Carol: I’ll get it, boys.
(She answers.)
Sanders: Mrs. Brady.
Carol: Yes.
Sanders: Fred Sanders, Special Agent, Federal Bureau Investigation.
Carol (shocked): The F.B.I.?
Sanders: Yes ma’am. Is Mr. Brady home?
Carol: Yes he is. step in please, right this way. (She leads him to the den) Oh, this is my son Bobby and my nephew Oliver. This is Mr. Sanders.
Bobby: Are you really an F.B.I. agent?
Sanders: That’s right, son.
Oliver: Well, who’s in trouble?
Sanders: Nobody is in trouble, young man.
Carol: I think my husband is in the den. This way.
(They head over to the den.)
Oliver: Wow, the F.B.I., right here in our house.
Bobby: I wonder what in the world he wants to see my Dad for.
Oliver: Well, if your Dad’s involved with the F.B.I., it’s got to be something really big.
(The scene fades.)
(The next scene has Sanders in Mike’s den. They are discussing a federal building Mike is working on.)
Sanders: I’m sorry to bother you, Mr. Brady, but I have to clear up a couple of minor points on the form you filled out for your security clearance.
Mike: Oh.
Carol: Security clearance?
Mike: Relax, honey. We’re designing a building for a classified government project. And I have to be cleared by the agency before I can work on it.
Sanders: It’s just routine, Mrs. Brady. The law requires it.
Carol: Aw, shucks, I was hoping Mike was an international spy.
(Next, Mr. Sanders is leaving.)
Sanders: Thanks for your co-operation, Mr. Brady.
(They shake hands.)
Mike: Oh, happy to be of service, Mr. Sanders.
Sanders: And nice meeting you, Mr. Brady.
(He shakes her hand.)
Carol: You too.
Mike: Bubby.
(Mr. Sanders leaves.)
Carol (to Mike): Honey, what is it about those three letters, F,B,I, that always make me nervous.
Mike (jokingly): Obviously it’s a guilty conscience. Want to tell me about your sorted past?
Carol: I do not.
(Bobby and Oliver come up to them.)
Bobby: What’s up, Dad?
Oliver: Are you working for the F.B.I., Uncle Mike?
Mike: Hold, hold it, you two, no. I’m not working for the F.B.I., so don’t let your imaginations run away with you, huh.
Bobby: Then why was the F.B.I. agent here?
Mike: Bob, it was just a routine visit on a routine matter on a routine job I’m doing for the government.
Carol: Right, and he just wanted to ask your father some routine questions?
Oliver: About what, routine spies?
Mike: Huh, sorry boys, no spies, just a security clearance.
Bobby (thrilled): Security clearance?
Oliver: Wow.
Mike: No, no, there’s no wow about it, now. It’s nothing, so let’s forget about it. Okay.
(Mike and Carol walk away. Bobby and Oliver are still puzzled. Oliver taps Bobby and motions for them to step aside.)
Oliver (to Bobby): You know why he wants us to forget it?
Bobby: No, why?
Oliver: Because it must be a secret F.B.I. thing.
(Greg and Peter come down the stairs with the basketball.)
Greg (to Peter): Have you been practicing?
Peter: Yeah.
Oliver: Here comes Greg and Peter.
Bobby: Keep it cool about the F.B.I., huh.
Greg: Hey, you guys want to play basketball?
Bobby: No, thanks.
Oliver: we got more important things to do.
Peter: Like what?
Bobby: Nothing.
Greg: If it’s nothing, how can it be important?
Bobby: Let’s go, Oliver.
(He takes his arm to go upstairs. Peter stops them.)
Peter: Hey, come on. You open the can and I’ll spill the beans.
Oliver: We can’t, it’s a big secret.
Bobby: Oliver, I told you to play it cool.
Oliver: What do you mean? I didn’t say anything about the F.B.I. man coming over here to see us.
(bobby looks annoyed.)
Greg: An F.B.I. man was here, in our house?
Peter: Come on, you two, quit stalling. Spill it.
Oliver: Okay, but you have to keep it top secret. Even Uncle Mike and Aunt Carol are trying to pretend that it neve rhappened.
Greg: What never happened?
Bobby: Well, it’s possible that Dad’s working on an assignment for the F.B.I.
Greg: Now I got a secret for you two.
Bobby: What?
Greg: Come here. (He beckons them close to his face) You’re nuts.
(They laugh and walk off. Alice is taking a pot out of the oven. She is joined in the kitchen by Carol and Marcia,)
Carol: Oh, Alice. Smells delicious. What is it?
Alice: Well, it’s Monday’s corn beef, Tuesday’s rice, Wednesday’s mushrooms and Thursday’s tomatoes.
Marcia: What do you call a dish like that?
Alice: Friday’s mess.
(They laugh and Sam comes in.)
Sam (waving): Hi, everybody.
(They all say hi.)
Carol: Did we order any meat, Sam?
Sam: Not today, Mrs. Brady. This is a personal visit.
Alice: Oh, well, more personal the better.
Sam: I have a favor to ask Mr. Brady.
Alice: That wasn’t the kind of personal I had in mind.
Carol: A favor of Mr. Brady?
Sam: Yes, but I’d rather not discuss it at this time.
Alice: Can you give us a hint?
Sam: Well, I can tell you this much, when the proper time does come, Alice, you’ll be the first to know. Is Mr. Brady home?
Carol: Oh, yes, he’s in the den, Sam, go right on in.
Sam: Thanks.
(He heads to the den. He leaves the women in suspense.)
Alice: I wonder what it is I’ll be the first to know about.
Marcia: He said it was something personal.
Carol: Requiring a favor of Mr. Brady.
Alice: Mr. Brady is an architect, and architects build things, like houses, honeymoon cottages.
Marcia: Alice, you don’t suppose.
(Sam sees Bobby and Oliver sitting on the steps leading to the den.)
Sam: Hi, fellas. How come you guys haven’t been by the butcher shop lately.
Bobby: Well, we’ve been busy.
Oliver: Yeah, and we’re gonna be even busier.
Sam: Hmm, sounds like you’re working on a pretty big project.
Oliver: Yeah, big.
Sam: Well, I’m working on a big project myself. That’s why I got to see your uncle.
Bobby: What kind of project, Sam?
Sam: Sorry, can’t talk, top secret stuff. See you later, guys.
(Cut back to the kitchen.)
Alice: I’m being carried away. It can’t be.
Carol: Why not?
Alice: I’ve jumped to that conclusion before, and I always fell flat on my rope chest. Nope, I refuse to think about it.
Marcia: Alice, how could you not think about it?
Alice: Will power. I have always been wrong before, and so I won’t think about it.
Carol: You have to be right sometime.
Marcia: And this could be the time.
Alice: Let’s think about it.
(Meanwhile, Bobby and Oliver do some thinking of their own in the living room.)
Oliver: Top secret stuff. Maybe he’s on the F.B.I. mission with Uncle Mike.
Bobby: Oliver, Sam’s a butcher.
Oliver: Hey, what a fantastic cover for an F.B.I. agent. Nobody in the whole world would suspect a butcher.
Bobby: You did.
(We take you to Mike’s den.)
Mike: Well, what’s the favor you need, Sam?
Sam: Well, I need some plans, Mr. Brady. You see. the store next to mine is vacant. and Mr. Gronsky, he’s my landlord, he told me, if I want to enlarge, he’s gonna give me first shot at it. But I have to let him know by Friday.
Mike: Wow, why so soon?
Sam: Well, Gronsky’s got other tenants waiting. You see, but I don’t want to make a decision until I see some plans so I get an idea what it’s gonna cost me. Now, I’d be delighted to pay you for this, Mr. Brady.
Mike: No, that’s no problem, Sam. I mean, Friday’s a bit soon, but’ look, I’ll tell you what I could do, I could make you some very preliminary sketches, and some very rough estimates of what it might cost you by then.
Sam: Oh, gee, that’s terrific, Mr. Brady. That’s great. And one more little favor if I could impose on you, I want you to keep this kind of strictly confidential between us. You see, if this goes through, I want to surprise Alice, let her know I’m a big meat mogul.
Mike: I won’t say a word.
Sam: Oh, great, Mr. Brady. Oh, here, I’d like to show you a couple ideas that I have here. (He lays out a plan on Mike’s desk) Just a couple of little sketches that I made that might help you.
(He points a few ideas as we head up to the girls’ room. Jan is looking in the mirror with Cindy looking on.)
Jan: What can I do to look older?
Cindy: Worry a lot about looking older.
(Marcia comes in the room bursting.)
Marcia (excited): Wait till I tell you the fantastic news.
(Jan and Cindy come up to her.)
Jan: What?
Marcia: You have to keep it a secret.
Cindy: Oh, I love keeping secrets more than anything.
Marcia: You mean you love telling secrets more than anytihng.
Cindy: Oh, come on, I’m older now. You can trust me.
Marcia: How can I be sure?
Jan: Oh, Marcia, trust her already. Or we’ll all bust.
Marcia: Okay, but not a word to anyone. It looks like Sam is finally gonna ask Alice to marry him.
Cindy (excited): That’s great.
Jan: That’s great. How do you know?
Cindy: Did Sam say so?
Marcia: He didn’t have to.
Jan: Did Alice say so?
Marcia: She didn’t have to.
Cindy: Did Mom say so?
Marcia: She didn’t have to either.
Jan: Then who told you they wer egetting married?
Marcia: Nobody.
Jan: That’s good enough for me.
Cindy: Me too.
Marcia: I can’t believe it.
Jan: That’s great.
(Alice is hanging some laundry in the backyard. Bobby and Oliver are hiding in the bushes.)
Bobby: You know, Oliver, you could be right.
Oliver: Well, sure, it all adds up.
Bobby: Yeah, well we better find out more about Sam first. Alice is the person to ask.
Oliver: Like a gorilla.
Bobby: You gotta take it smooth, so she doesn’t know anything.
Oliver: Boy, you sure do know how to operate.
Bobby: Thanks. I used to watch Mission Impossible a lot.
(They go over to Alice.)
Oliver: Hi, Alice.
Alice: Hi, kids.
Bobby: Hey, you know, we just ran into Sam. What a great guy Sam really is.
Oliver: Yeah, Sam’s super.
Alice: Well, I’m sure he’ll be glad to know he’s got a fan club.
Bobby: How did you happen to meet such a fantastic guy?
Alice: I met him at a dance while he was in the army. I still got a scar on my ankle from those combat boots.
Oliver: Hmm, Sam was in the army, huh..
Alice: Mmm hmm.
Bobby: Did he happen to be in Intelligence?
Oliver: Where all the spies hang out.
Alice: As a matter of fact, I don’t know what Sam did in the army. He never mentions it.
Bobby: Well, I bet you know a lot other things about him. Right?
Alice: Only the important things.
Bobby: Like what?
Alice: Six feet tall, and two hundred pounds of unbudgeable bachelor. Anything else is trivia.
(The next day, Bobby and Oliver visit Sam at his butcher shop.)
Bobby: Hi, Sam.
Oliver: Hi, Sam.
Sam: Hey hey, hiya, kids. What can I do for you?
Bobby: Do you have an order of meat for us to pick up for Alice?
Sam: No.
Bobby: Oh, well, we just thought we’d come by to make sure that you didn’t have one.
Oliver: Well, what’s new, Sam?
Sam: Oh, nothing, what’s new with you?
Bobby: Alice was telling us you were in the army.
Sam (chuckling): Oh, she did, huh.
Oliver: I bet you were a big hero.
Sam: Well, I did my share.
Oliver: Is that all?
Bobby: We kind of expect that you did something really important.
Sam: Say, how would you guys like to hear how I stole the enemy codebook single handed.
Bobby (amazed): You did?
Sam: You betcha. It was in the middle of this enemy camp, see, surrounded by guns and tanks and planes and whatever. I had to overpower three guards to bust in.
Oliver: With karate, huh. (He demonstrates some karate chops.)
Sam: Right. Karate, jujitsu, kung fu, the works. A chop here, a kick there. They never knew what hit them. Then I grabbed the codebook and I took it on the run.
Bobby: Didn’t they capture you?
Sam: Not Sly Sam, pal. I simply borrowed a uniform from one of the guards that I clobbered and I waltzed out. Easy as a pin.
Bobby: Wow. I bet you got a medal for that.
Oliver: Can we see it?
Sam (pondering): Oh, sorry fellas. You see, it was a top secret mission, now, if they gave medals for a thing like that, it wouldn’t be top secret anymore. Now, would it.
Oliver: That’s right.
(He points his finger to his head meaning it was smart. Mr. Gronsky comes in.)
Sam: Oh, hi, Mr. Gronsky. Excuse me, will you, fellas. I got some important business.
Gronsky: You got the plans from Brady yet?
Sam: He won’t have them till Friday.
Gronsky (annoyed): Friday is the deadline, Sam. So if you want to enlarge your…
(Sam interrupts.)
Sam: Would you step over here a minute, Mr. Gronsky? (They move a little further from the boys) I don’t want those Brady kids to hear about this, or they might tell Alice.
Bobby (to Oliver): They’re talking about the plans.
Oliver: Yeah, then that guy must be a spy, too.
Bobby: Yeah, for the other side. He wants Sam to get the plans away from my Dad.
Oliver: But if that guy is the enemy, Sam must be, too.
Bobby: That’s right, and if he is, then Sam’s working secretly against my Dad. You know what, Oliver?
Oliver: What?
Bobby: Sam’s a double agent.
(They look at him in disbelief as Sam is talking to Mr. Gronsky. The scene fades away.)
(The next scene has Bobby and Oliver coming into their room. Greg and Peter are in there studying and notice them looking around suspiciously.)
Peter: What are you doing?
Bobby: Listen, you guys. Oliver and I think we’re on to something really big and we want to know what you think about it.
Greg: About what?
Oliver: About Sam, the butcher.
Peter: What about Sam?
Bobby: Well, you see, we think he’s working for the F.B.I. and the enemy. He’s a double agent.
Greg: You mean you think he’s selling hamburger to both sides.
(He and Peter laugh.)
Oliver (angry): Come on, we’re serious, you guys!
Peter (laughing): Yeah, seriously sick in the head.
Greg: Hey, why don’t you guys just get off this stupid spy kick.
Bobby: Well, look at the evidence. The F.B.I. comes over to see Dad, then Sam comes over to see Dad about some top secret plan, then today we see this suspicious looking guy in Sam’s butcher shop asking Sam if he got the plan away from Dad yet.
Oliver: Yeah.
Bobby: So Sam must must be secretly working against Dad and the F.B.I.
Oliver: It figures, doesn’t it.
Greg: You know, Pete, I think these two guys may be on to something big at that.
Peter: I think you’re right.
Bobby: What should we do about it?
Greg: Well, you’re gonna have to have enough evidence on Sam to make a conviction stick if they nab him, see.
Oliver: Well, how do we do that?
Greg: The old talcum powder routine.
Bobby: What’s that?
Greg: Come here. (He goes into the bathroom and gets some powder) You see, talcum powder leaves traces in the hair and clothing under certain conditions.
Bobby: What kind of conditions?
Greg: These.
(Greg pours powder on their heads. He and Peter laugh and exit the room.)
Bobby: What a dirty trick.
Oliver: You just can’t trust anybody over 12.
(Sam calls Mike when he is about to leave for work.)
Mike (answering the phone): Hello. Ah, good morning, Sam.
Sam: Good morning, Mr. Brady. I just called up to see if the plans were ready today.
Mike: They’re all ready. I finished them last night.
Sam: Oh, that’s terrific, Mr. Brady. Say, is it okay if I stop by this afternoon and pick them up?
Mike: Sure, I’ll leave them on my drawing board in my den with your name on the envelope.
Sam: Gee, I certainly appreciate this, Mr. Brady. And I want you to know that no matter what it costs, I wanna pay for it.
Mike: Don’t worry about it, Sam. just give me my meat wholesale. Okay. Bye.
(He hangs up.)
Carol: Mike, what is all this business between you and Sam?
Mike: Honey, Sam asked me specifically not to mention it to anybody and I promised him I wouldn’t, I gave him my word. You wouldn’t want me to violate that confidence, would you?
Carol: Yes.
Mike: No.
(Alice is in Mike’s den. She notices the envelope he left for Sam.)
Alice (calling): Mrs. Brady, Mrs. Brady.
(She motions to Carol through the window to come in the den.)
Carol (coming in): What is it, Alice?
Alice: There’s an envelope here with Sam’s name on it.
Carol: Yes, I know. Mr. Brady left it for Sam to pick up.
Alice: Did he give you any kind of inkling of what might be inside?
Carol: Not an ink. It’s clammed up like an oyster. Alice, I’m dying to know what’s inside.
Alice: You’re dying, I’m halfway through rigor mortis.
Carol: Well, do you think you should take a little peek?
(Alice ponders for a second.)
Alice: No, I better not. I mean, that’s Sam’s private business and if two people are gonna have any kind of relationship at all, they’ve got to learn to respect each other’s privacy and trust. (She accidentally knocks the envelope on the floor, then snaps her finger in frustration) Nothing fell out.
Carol: I’ll get it, Alice. (She picks it up but it falls again) Whoops, dropped it. They sure don’t make flimsy envelopes like they used to.
(Alice picks it up.)
Alice: Well, whatever’s in there, I hope it’s got a white, picket fence around it.
(Next, the girls come into the kitchen. They are arguing about something.)
Marcia: Mom, we can’t decide on something, so would you please be the tiebreaker?
Carol: What tie am I breaking?
Jan: Well, we pulled our money, but we can’t decide on a wedding gift for Alice and Sam.
Carol: Oh, now, that’s very sweet of you kids. But we’re not even sure about the wedding yet.
Marcia: Well, just in case. I think we should get them something nice like a kitchen appliance.
Jan: I think they’d appreciate a clock radio.
Carol: What do you think, Cindy?
Cindy: I think we should get them something they really need.
Carol: What?
Cindy: An electric popcorn popper.
Jan: I can see you plan to visit them a lot.
Marcia: Yeah, what do you vote for, Mom?
Carol: None of the above. When it comes to weddings, hold your horses until you’re sure about the groom.
(Sam arrives.)
Sam: Hi, everybody. (They all say hi to Sam) Say, I just stopped by to pick up some plans that Mr. Brady left for me in his den.
Carol: Oh, yes, we’ve been expecting you, Sam. Anything special in those plans?
Sam: Very special. Is it okay if I go get them?
Carol: Oh, sure, go right ahead. They’re on Mr. Brady’s desk, in a very strong envelope.
Sam: Oh, thank you.
(He goes for the plans.)
Carol: He’d be so nice to throw rice at, wouldn’t he.
(The girls agree. Sam goes in the den as Bobby and Oliver come down the stairs. They hear a noise from the den, which is Sam dropping a book by accident, while taking the plans. They come inside and see him putting the book back.)
Sam: Oh, hi, fellas. I just stopped by to pick something up. I’ll see you guys later, I’m kind of in a hurry.
Bobby (to Oliver): Boy, talk about cool. You see that, he just waltzes in, grabs the plans, and then waltzes right out.
Oliver: That proves it. Sam’s a double agent.
Bobby: Yeah. There’s only one thing to do. You got to warn my Dad.
(They go over to the telephone and Bobby starts dialing.)
Oliver: I only wish we had a push button phone.
Bobby (on the phone): Hello, is Mr. Brady there? Oh, he did (leave)? Oh, no, no message. I’ll call back. (to Oliver) He just stepped out of his office. We’ll have to call back.
(Later on, Mike is back in his office. He gets another phone call.)
Mike: Hello. Oh, yeah, Sam, did you get the sketches?
Sam: I sure did, Mr. Brady, but me and Mr. Gronsky here, we’re confused about a couple of things.
Mike: Oh yeah, what’s that?
Sam: Now, if we knew, we wouldn’t be confused, would we. I mean, we just don’t understand a couple of these fancy sketches.
Mike: Well, look, Sam. I’m just leaving now. Why don’t I drop by in say half an hour. We’ll see if we can straighten it all out.
Sam: Oh, that’ll be terrific, Mr. Brady. I really appreciate it. Bye.
Mike: Bye.
(They hang up.)
Sam (to Gronsky): He’ll be here in half an hour.
Gronsky: Good, I’ll come back. I want to get this thing settled today.
Sam: Fine, fine.
(Back at home, Bobby tries to call Mike once again.)
Bobby: Hello, did Mr. Brady get back? This is his son again? He left again? Did he say where he was going? It’s really important. Oh, thanks, bye. (to Oliver) Boy, have we got a big problem.
Oliver: What?
Bobby: Dad’s on his way to the butcher shop, and if Sam gets ahold of him, we gotta cut him off.
(At the butcher shop, Sam is cutting some meat. Bobby and Oliver rush down there.)
Sam: Hey, hiya fellas. What can I do for you?
Bobby: Has my Dad been here yet?
Sam: Not yet, but I’m expecting him any minute. (He chops the meat again, scaring the guys a little) Oh, that reminds me, I never finished that army story I was telling you stories when you were in here before. Let’s see, uh, where did I leave off? Uh, oh, I remember, I’ve stolen the code book, and I was on my way back to the platoon, see. When suddenly, this enemy general pops up right in front of me, but before he can get his gun, (He puts down his meat cleaver) choppo.
Bobby: Choppo?
Sam (repeating his act) Choppo. I took him completely by surprise. So you see, fellas, if you’re ever in a jam, the element of surprise is your best weapon.
Bobby: Surprise, huh.
(Mr. Gronsky comes back.)
Sam: Oh, hi, Mr. Gronsky.
Gronsky: Hello, Sam. Did that Mr. Brady show up yet?
Sam: Not yet, but I’m expecting him any minute, any minute.
Gronsky: All right. Listen, while we’re waiting, I’ll check out that freezer you were complaining about.
Sam: Good idea. (to the boys) Excuse me a minute, will you, fellas.
Bobby (to Oliver): They must be planning to jump my Dad and lock him up in the freezer.
Oliver: Yeah.
Bobby: Remember what Sam just said, the element of surprise is your best weapon.
Oliver: Yeah.
Bobby: And we got a surprise for them. Come on. Okay, on 3. 1,2,3.
(They shut the freezer door and Oliver locks it. Sam and Mr. Gronsky are inside wondering why they did such a thing. Mike arrives.)
Bobby: Quick, Dad, call the F.B.I.!
Oliver: Sam’s a double agent!
Mike: Say what?
Sam: He sold the plans to Gronsky!
Oliver: And they’re gonna freeze you.
Mike: Hold it, hold it, boys, what’s going on? (Sam and Mr. Gronsky knock on the door from the inside) what are they doing in the freezer?
Bobby: We locked them in there to save you!
Oliver (pushing him back): You got to get out of here, Uncle Mike.
Mike: I don’t believe this.
(He opens the freezer to let the men out. They come out very cold. Bobby and Oliver look at each other.)
(Next, Sam and Mr. Gronsky laugh heartily.)
Sam: How about that, me a spy.
Gronsky: Me a spy too.
Sam: Yeah, but you’re just an ordinary spy. I’m a double agent.
Mike: Oh, boys, boys, how in the world can you boys believe something like that?
Bobby: Well, we didn’t at first.
Oliver: But, then it got easier.
Sam: I think it’s partly my fault, Mr. Brady. Those army stories I told them were a little exaggerated.
Mike: Well, maybe so, but I hope you boys understand what can happen when you jump to conclusions without getting all the facts.
Oliver: Well, no jumping for me anymore, Uncle Mike.
Bobby: Me neither.
Mike: And locking somebody in the freezer, you know that can be dangerous.
Bobby: Well, we were just gonna keep them in there until you came.
Mike: Well look, don’t lock anybody in anytihng, anymore. Okay.
Bobby: Okay, we won’t. (to Sam) Are you sure you’re not mad at us.
Sam: No, it’s okay, fellas.
Gronsky: Yeah, forget it boys. (to Sam) Me, a spy. (they laugh) Wait till I tell my wife and kids.
Mike (to Sam and Mr. Gronsky): I’m sorry about the whole thing, fellas.
Sam: Oh, that’s okay, Mr. Brady. But I’ll tell you one thing. This is one spy who’s glad he came in from the cold.
(He and Mr. Gronsky laugh. The scene fades.)
(The final scene has Alice vacuuming the living room. She stops it to answer the door. It’s Sam.)
Alice: Oh, hi Sam.
Sam: Hi, Alice. I just stopped by to drop this envelope off for Mr. Brady.
Alice: Sam, you and I have been going together for too long to keep secrets from one another.
Sam: Yeah, I’m sorry, Alice, but I’m just not ready to reveal my secret just yet.
Alice: You implied that I was involved in what was going on.
Sam: Well you are, in a way.
Alice: Then I insist on knowing.
Sam (protesting): Alice!
Alice: I not only insist, I demand…
Sam: Oh, come on, okay, okay. I’m thinking of enlarging my butcher shop and Mr. Brady drew up these plans for me. Uhhh.
Alice (surprised): That’s the big secret?
Sam: So, now you know.
Alice (frustrated): I don’t want to know.
(She takes the vacuum and resumes vacuuming.)
Sam: What do you mean you don’t want to know? Alice, look, we’re not just nestled for ground round. Think of czech briard.
(Alice continues vacuuming as Sam rants on about his achievement.)
THE END
Brady Bunch Scriptman 