S5 E22 The Hair Brained Scheme

The Hair Brained Scheme

Written by Charles Stewart

Greg buys a bottle of hair tonic from Bobby and it turns his hair orange, just prior to his high school graduation. I hope you enjoy the script.














(The episode begins with Greg pulling up in the parking lot. He just went to pick up his cap and gown for his high school graduation. He comes into the house and sees Alice and Carol in the kitchen.)

Greg: Hi, Alice. Hi, Mom.

Carol: Oh, Greg, you got it.

Greg: Yes.

Carol: Can you put it on for us.

Greg: Oh, not now.

Carol: Oh, please.

Alice: Come on. Give us a sneak preview.

Greg: Okay.

(The bell rings.)

Bobby (calling): I’ll get it.

(Carol helps Greg put the gown on.)

Carol: Oh, my son the scholar.

(Greg puts on the cap.)

Greg: Do I look okay?

Carol: Oh, Alice, isn’t he handsome? (Alice nods) I just can’t believe you’re finishing high school.

Alice: Seems like only yesterday he was just starting. The way I figure my age, he was.

Carol: Yeah, and just think. Four more years he’ll be graduating from college.

Greg: If I make the grades.

Carol: Oh, you’ll make the grades all right.

Greg: You’re sure.

Carol: Sure, because you’ll have the incentive. If you don’t, we’ll kill you.

(She kisses him and Bobby comes running in with a package.)

Bobby: It came, it came, it finally came!

Carol: What came?

Bobby: This package. What’s in this package is gonna make me a million bucks.

(He frantically opens the package. The scene fades.)

(We pick up the scene. Bobby opens the bottles.)

Bobby: How about that?

Carol: You’re gonna make a million dollars from (Pause) hair tonic.

(Greg laughs.)

Bobby: It’s not just hair tonic, it’s Neat and Natural hair tonic. If you want to look neat, this can’t be beat.

Alice: I never heard of it.

Greg: Me either.

Bobby: You can’t buy it in stores. Only from us independent dealers.

Carol: Bobby, how do you plan to make a million dollars from this?

Bobby: Very simple. I bought each bottle for a dollar. And the Neat and Natural Company guarantees that I can sell each one for two dollars. So I sell all 24 bottles, I make 24 dollars. I sell a million bottles, I make a million dollars.

Greg: He’s been using that stuff on his own head and it went soft.

Carol: Bobby, how did you get involved in something like this? These things are just gimmicks to get your money.

Bobby: Not this one. There was a big ad in my magazine.

Greg: How are you gonna make a million dollars with that junk?

(He laughs and walks away.)

Bobby: Boy, is he dumb. He’s going into college and he doesn’t even know a thing about business.

Carol: Listen, young man, I’m afraid there are a lot of things you don’t know yourself. You’re gonna find out the hard way that it’s not all that easy making a million dollars.

Bobby: I didn’t say it was going to be easy. I know it’s gonna take weeks and weeks of hard work, maybe even months.

(Cut to the girls’ room. Cindy is working on math with Jan and Marcia watching.)

Cindy: Let’s see. 2×12=24, 4×12=48, and see now, 6×12 is…

Jan: 72.

Cindy: Thanks.

Jan: Cindy, could you do your homework a little more quietly.

Cindy: I’m not doing homework. I’m figuring out how much money I’m gonna make.

Marcia: Doing what?

Cindy: Going into business. I’m gonna be a millionaire like Bobby.

Jan: I think one millionaire in the family is enough.

Marcia: Just how do you plan to make your millions, Cindy.

Cindy: I got the idea passing Mr. Kirby’s pet shop. I’m gonna raise rabbits.

(Marcia and Jan laugh.)

Marcia: You’re gonna raise rabbits?

Cindy: Sure, on account of having multiplied.

Jan: It takes a lot of multiplying to make a million.

Cindy: Look, I start with two rabbits. They have babies, and their babies have babies, and then their babies have babies.

Marcia: And the health department comes over and condemns our house.

(We take you to the boys’ room, where Bobby is trying to sell to Oliver.)

Bobby: Oliver, try this one bottle of this amazing tonic, and you have my personal guarantee that every girl at school will fall at your feet.

Oliver: Well, I would except for two things.

Bobby: What?

Oliver: #1, I’m busted. #2, I’m too young to mess with girls.

Bobby: Oh. Well, in that case, how would you like to make some money?

Oliver: Sure, how?

Bobby: By going to work for me. See, now that I’m gonna be a millionaire, I’m gonna have to have an assistant.

Oliver (excited): Me, an assistant millionaire? Wow! How much will I get paid?

Bobby: Well, not much at first.

Oliver: How much is not much?

Bobby: Nothing.

Oliver: I can make nothinhg doing nothing.

Bobby: Well, listen, you don’t understand. You see, first, you’ll start with on the job training, then you’ll start making money.

Oliver: Okay, it’s a deal.

(They shake hands.)

(Bobby and Oliver then go up to Greg’s room to see him.)

Bobby: Hi, Greg. You know, I’m really worried about you.

Oliver: Me too.

Greg: What are you worried about?

Bobby: Your appearance for graduation Friday.

Greg: Oh, anything in particular.

Bobby: Yeah, your unruly hair.

Greg: I see, and I suppose you two have the answer to the unruly condition of my hair.

Bobby: Very possible. The answer is, a bottle of Neat and Natural hair tonic.

Greg (annoyed): Just what I figured. But I’m sorry, I’m not interested. (He gets up to throw them out) I’m just gonna have to graduate unruly.

Bobby: But…

Greg: No buts.

Bobby: I’ll even give you a crack on a limited supply.

Oliver: Because you’re a relative.

Greg: Let me be among the first to say goodbye.

(He pushes them out the door.)

Bobby: You had your chance.

Oliver: Yeah.

(Next, Cindy comes home with a couple of rabbits.)

Cindy: Mom, look what i got.

Carol: What in the world…

Alice: Rabbits. Those are rabbits.

Cindy: I named them Romeo and Juliet. I’m gonna sell their babies to Mr. Kirby at the pet store for a $1 each.

Alice: Did Mr. kirby say he’d buy them?

Cindy: Not yet, but I’m sure he will. Because he can sell them to othe rpeople for $3 each.

Carol: How can you be so sure?

Cindy: He sold these to me for $3 each.

Alice: I think it’s Mr. Kirby’s who’s gonna be the millionaire.

(Alice walks away.)

Carol: Cindy, I hope you understand that Romeo and Juliet are going to be your responsibility.

Cindy: Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll take really good care of them, and I’ll keep them right up in my room.

Carol: What about your two sisters?

Cindy: They can stay too?

Carol: I was referring to the noise and the smell.

Cindy: Don’t worry, the rabbits will get used to it.

Carol (laughing): Oh, Cindy. I think it will be a lot less complicated if we move the rabbits on to the service porch.

Cindy: That’s even a better idea. (to the rabbits) Did you hear that? You’re gonna get first floor accomodation.

(Next, Bobby and Oliver try to sell the hair tonic to neighbors. They stop in front of a woman’s house.)

Bobby (to Oliver): Now watch me. Pay close attention to my expert sales technique, and learn.

(He rings the bell. The woman answers the door.)

Bobby: Madame, are you tired of your hair being an unruly mess, dry, brittle…

(She slams the door.)

Oliver: That’s not hard to learn.

(Next, they stop at a man’s house. Oliver notices a rather unwelcome sign.)

Oliver: Hey, Bobby, the sign says no peddlers or agents. Does that mean us?

Bobby: Of course not. We’re salesmen.

(The man answers.)

Man #1: Yes.

Bobby: Sir, would you like to buy a bottle of this….

Man #1: Can’t you read, kid? The sign says No peddlers or agents.

Bobby: Yeah, but, I’m a salesman.

Man #1: A salesman’s a peddler, now scram.

Bobby: Then sir, maybe you can talk to Oliver here.

Man #1: Oh, are you another peddler or agent?

Oliver: No, sir.

Man #1: Then, what are you?

Oliver: Just a little boy.

(The man slams the door. The boys stop at another man’s house. He opens the door.)

Man #2: What do you want?

Bobby: It’s not what we want, sir. It’s what you want. A bottle of Neat and Natural hair tonic.

Oliver: It keeps your hair well groomed all day.

Man #2: I’m a night watchman. I sleep all day.

Oliver: Well, it works at night, too.

Man #2: Sorry, I’m not interested.

Bobby: But sir, sir, don’t you want to look well gromed for your job?

Man #2: I told you, I’m a night watchman. Who needs to look good for a burglar.

Oliver: Well, if the burglar scares you, this will keep your hair from standing on end.

Man #2: Not my hair.

(He takes a wig off his head and they see his balding, thinning hair. He shuts the door and the guys walk away.)

(Next, Bobby comes home discouraged. He runs into Carol on the staircase.)

Carol: Hi, honey. How goes the millionaire business.

Bobby: Awful. I didn’t make a single sale.

Carol: Well, after all, it’s only your first day.

Bobby: Yeah, and it’s also my last day.

Carol (surprised): You don’t mean you’re quitting.

Bobby: Yeah, I’m a failure.

Carol: Bobby, you stop that. (They sit down on the stairwell and talk) Listen, you know there’s an old saying, quitters never win, and winners never quit.

Bobby: Yeah, that’s corny, Mom.

Carol: Well, that may be corny but it’s also true. Listen, honey, the great ones never quit, no matter how rough things get. Now, take Thomas Edison for instance, did he quit?

Bobby: No.

Carol: How about the Wright Brothers, did they quit?

Bobby: No.

Carol: And how about Carl Mahakian.

Bobby (puzzled): Carl Mahakian, never heard of him.

Carol: Right, because he quit. (Bobby looks confused) It’s a joke. (Bobby laughs) Anyway, I am trying to prove a point. If you really believe in something, if you really want to do it, you gotta hang in there.

Bobby: Boy, I wish I had as much confidence in me as you do. Thanks for the advice, Mom.

(Bobby goes up to his room. Peter is trying on Greg’s old high school sweater.)

Greg: Well, it’s a little big, but you’ll grow into it.

Peter: Boy, giving me your letterman’s sweater. I really appreciate it, Greg.

Greg: Well, I’m graduating, and you’ll be going to Westdale. But this letter comes off, you’ll have to earn your own.

Peter: Don’t worry. I’ll win one in some sport.

Greg: Yeah, chasing girls.

(Bobby comes in. He is still depressed.)

Peter: Hi.

Bobby: Hi.

Peter: What’s the matter with you?

Bobby: I’m a failure. That’s what’s the matter with me.

Greg: Bobby, you’re not old enough to be a failure, yet.

Bobby: Well, I got an early start.

Peter: You didn’t sell enough of your hair tonic.

Bobby: Not a drop.

Greg: Cheer up. You’ll sell some.

Bobby: Are you kidding. I couldn’t sell a bag of peanuts to a starving elephant.

Greg: Uh, Bobby, look, I’ve been thinking. You’re right, I got to look my best for graduation. I really need a bottle of that stuff.

Bobby: You’re just doing it because you feel sorry for me.

Greg: No, no, look, (he messes with his hair) My hair is unruly. It’s dry, brittle. Right, Peter?

Peter: it’s practically a fire hazard.

(Greg gives him an angry stare.)

Greg (smiling): I’d like to buy a bottle, Bobby.

Bobby: You’re sure you’re not doing it just out of charity?

Greg: Would I give up my hard earned cash if I really didn’t want it?

Bobby: I guess not, you’re pretty cheap.

Greg: Thanks.

(Peter laughs out loud.)

Greg: Hey, Peter, you could use a bottle too, huh.

(Bobby runs up to him with a bottle.)

Peter: Sorry, there’s something I got to do right away.

Bobby: What?

Peter: Leave.

(He exits the room.)

Bobby: Some brother. Oh, that’ll be $2. (Greg takes his wallet out an dgives him a dollar) Two dollars.

Greg: Oh, all right. (He gives him another dollar and takes the bottle) You’re welcome.

Bobby: Hey, aren’t you gonna put some of that on?

Greg: Yeah, later.

Bobby: See, just like I thought. You just did it because you felt sorry for me.

Greg: Bobby, I said I didn’t.

Bobby: Well, then put some on.

Greg: Okay.

Bobby: Here, I’ll help you.

Greg: I want to give you free customer service.

(Next, they are in the bathroom. Bobby is trying to assist Greg.)

Greg: Bobby, I can do it myself.

Bobby: Just want to make sure it’s done right.

Greg: Don’t worry, I’ll do it right.

(He puts a little on.)

Bobby: That’s not enough. I want you to be an example for the whole neighborhood to see.

(He puts way too much on Greg’s hair.)

Greg: Bobby, not so much.

Bobby: That’s okay. Don’t worry about using too much. You know where you can always get more. Use this stuff twice a day and you’ll be Mr. Cool of Westdale High.

(He abruptly stops and puts a towel on Greg’s head.)

Greg: Hey, Bobby, what’s the towel for?

Bobby: It’s good for your hair particles. See you later.

(He leaves and Greg removes the towel.)

Greg: Where you going?

(He goes to look in the mirror and discovers his hair has turned orange.)

Greg: Oh no, orange. Tomorrow’s graduation and I got orange hair.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Greg emerging from the bathroom. He is ready to kill Bobby.)

Greg (angry): Bobby, Bobby, where are you? (He looks in the closet, then under the bed) Come on out, you can’t hide forever.

(Peter comes in the room.)

Peter: Hey, Greg, what are you doing down there?

Greg: Looking for Bobby, I’m gonna clobber him!

Peter: What? (Greg comes up and Peter notices his hair and laughs out loud) Hey, do you know your hair is orange? (Greg makes an angry gesture) What happened?

Greg: Bobby’s hair tonic!

Peter: You’re sure gonna be a standout student at graduation.

Greg: Very funny.

(Peter continues laughing and Greg throws the towel at him. He then storms into the girls’ room.)

Greg (to Marcia and Jan): Has either of you seen Bobby?

(They are shocked to see his new hairstyle.)

Marcia: Greg, what happened to your hair?

Greg: Bobby’s hair tonic.

Jan: Bobby’s hair tonic. You mean you actually bought some of that junk?

Greg: Only because I felt kind of sorry for him. Now I really feel sorry for him because he’s about to have a fatal accident.

Marcia (laughing): Greg, you want to borrow this (an orange top) for your graduation? It will match your hair.

(She and Jan laugh. Greg angrily walks out and slams the door. We take you to the service porch, where Cindy and Oliver are caring for her rabbits.)

Cindy: My assistant has to help me feed them and keep their cage clean. You want the job?

Oliver: How much does it pay?

Cindy: 10 cents for each baby rabbit I sell.

Oliver (excited): Boy, I’d make a lot of money! Except I already have a job as Bobby’s assistant.

(Greg comes in.)

Greg: Have you seen Bobby?

Cindy: No. (she notices his hair) Eww, what happened to your hair?

Greg (showing them the bottle): This junk! Ooh, I’m gonna tear him limb from limb when I find him!

Oliver: I think I’ll be your assistant. Bobby doesn’t have much of a future now.

Cindy: Okay, you feed Romeo and I’ll feed Juliet.

Oliver: Now, which one’s which?

Cindy: Gee, I’m not sure.

(Carol comes in.)

Carol: Well, how’s everything going in Bunnyland?

Cindy: Not so good. We can’t figure out which one’s Romeo and which one’s Juliet.

Carol: Oh, Juliet’s the fat one. She’s the one that’s gonna have the baby.

Cindy: But they’re both fat.

Oliver (excited): Hey, maybe they’re both gonna have babies.

Carol: I doubt that.

Oliver: Why?

Carol: Well, uh, Romeos don’t have babies.

Oliver: Why not?

Carol: Well, (Pause) I’ll explain it to you after dinner, Oliver, okay.

(She leaves.)

Oliver: You know something, Cindy?

Cindy: What?

Oliver: I think your Mom has a problem about discussing sex.

(Carol then goes into the den and finds Bobby hiding beside the recliner.)

Carol: What are you doing there?

Bobby: Hiding from Greg.

Carol: Why?

Bobby: You don’t know?

Carol: Know what?

Bobby: He’s planning to eliminate one of your dependants, me.

Carol: What are you talking about?

(Greg comes in.)

Greg: Mom, have you seen (He sees Bobby hiding behind her) There he is!

Carol: Greg. (A frightened Bobby tries squirming away) Greg, wait a minute. What happened to your hair?

Greg: This (the bottle) happened to my hair! (to Bobby) Now you stand still, coward.

(He continues to go after him.)

Bobby: I’m not a coward. I just don’t like getting killed.

Carol: Now, wait a minute, you two. Let’s not have any blood shed.

Bobby: Yeah, especially my blood.

(Greg goes after him again and Carol pulls him back.)

Carol: Greg, stop it.

Greg: Well, what am i gonna do about my hair?

Carol: Well, I don’t know, leave your brother alone. We’ll try to figure something out! I knew something like this was gonna happen, Bobby!

Greg: Well, why didn’t you tell me?

Carol: Well. Here, let me see the bottle. (She looks at it) There’s an address here. Now, look, why don’t we call the Neat and Natural hair tonic. Maybe this happened to some of their other customers.

Bobby: Good thinking, Mom.

Carol: Yeah, good thinking. Look, I’ll try information.

(She goes to use the phone as Greg confronts Bobby.)

Bobby (afraid): Greg, I’m really sorry. I mean, I didn’t know something like this was gonna happen.

Greg: Yeah, I guess you couldn’t know.

Bobby: Of course not, it could’ve been worse.

Greg: I’d like to know how!

Bobby: It could’ve turned green.

Greg: Thanks. You’re a real comfort.

Carol (on the phone): I see. Yeah, thank you operator. (she hangs up) Well, the Neat and Natural company had its phone disconnected. Oh, Bobby, I knew it was gonna be some sort of shady outfit.

Bobby: I was really a jerk to fall for that ad in the magazine.

Greg: Well, what am I gonna do about tomorrow, Mom? It’s graduation.

Carol: Well, Greg, have you tried to wash that stuff out of your hair?

Greg: No, I’ve been too busy looking for this (Pause) dumbhead. (to Bobby) Listen, for your sake, it better work.

(He leaves.)

Carol: Bobby, you better say your prayers.

(Greg is in the bathroom of his attic room. He washes his hair but nothing happened.)

Greg (to Peter): It didn’t work. I washed it five times and it didn’t work.

Peter: Well, at least you got squeaky, clean hair. I bet it grows out in 6 to 8 months.

Greg (sarcastically): Fantastic, now what do I do in the meantime.

Peter: Well, you can shave your head and pretend you’re a bowling ball. (He leaves and sees Carol on the way out) He looks like Lucille Ball.

Carol: It didn’t wash out. Huh, honey.

Greg: If anything, it got brighter orange.

Carol: Look, I called the Better Business Bureau about that Neat and Natural hair tonic company.

Greg: What did they say?

Carol: The FDA closed them down.

Greg: Well, now’s a great time to find out.

Carol: Well, there is one constellation. I mean, outside of the color, it’s not gonna hurt your hair or your scalp.

Greg: But, what about graduation? I can’t go out in public like this.

Carol: Well, I do have a solution. It might be a little embarrassing, but I think it will work.

Greg: Mother, I can’t possibly get any more embarrassed than I already am.

(The next day, Carol brings Greg down to her beauty parlor. Greg is wearing a ski hat and is extremely uncomfortable in there.)

Greg: Mom, if anybody sees me in here. Couldn’t we just go home and do the dye job?

Carol: And make it look worse than it is? No, Greg, we got to let a professional do it. Look, wait here and I’ll see if I can get them to do it in private. Okay?

Greg: Okay, but hurry up.

Carol: All right.

(Greg sits down as the receptionist looks at him in disbelief. Two girls in Greg’s class, Susie and Gretchen, come in.)

Susie: Oh, Gretchen, it’s going to look great.

Gretchen: There’s Greg.

Susie: Greg Brady, in a beauty parlor?

(Greg tries hiding his face in a magazine. They come up to him.)

Susie: Hi, Greg.

Greg: Hi, Susie, Gretchen. What you doing here?

Susie: Getting our hair done for graduation tonight.

Gretchen: What are you doing here?

Greg: I’m just waiting for my mother.

Susie: Isn’t the weather a little warm to be wearing a ski hat?

Greg: Not if you’re going skiing.

Gretchen: But there’s no snow this time of year.

Greg: Well, no sense to wait till the last minute. (He gets up) Don’t let me hold you two girls up. I’m sure you got more important things to do.

Susie: Greg, you’re acting very strange.

Gretchen: Weird is more the word.

Greg (after a pause): Something’s up. Can you two keep a secret. (They both nod) You see, I came in here with my mother because she has this problem. (Pause) Are you sure you can keep a secret. (They assure him they can) Okay.

(He whispers something to the both of them. Carol comes out.)

Carol: Greg, Greg, listen (she notices the girls) Oh, hi, girls.

Susie and Gretchen: Hi.

Greg: Can’t you take care of it in private, Mom.

Carol: Yes, but I thought it was our secret.

Greg; Oh, don’t worry. Susie and Gretchen won’t tell.

Gretchen: Oh, never.

Susie: Wild horses couldn’t drag it out of us.

Carol: Sweet.

Greg: I’ll see you at graduation, girls. (He winks at them) Let’s go, Mom.

Carol (to the girls): Bye.

Susie and Gretchen: Bye.

Gretchen (to Susie): Could you tell that Mrs. Brady was wearing a wig?

Susie: Never. Who’d ever think that underneath that poor woman is completely bald.

(Back home, Cindy and Oliver go into the service porch. Alice is in there doing laundry.)

Alice: Hi, kids, how did it go at the pet shop?

Cindy: Awful. Mr. Kirby said Juliet can’t have babies.

Alice: What’s her problem?

Oliver: She’s not a her, he’s a him.

Alice: That’s quite a problem.

Cindy: Now I’m stuck with two Romeos and no Juliets.

Alice: I think you better change their names. How about Romeo and Julius.

Cindy: Mr. Kirby won’t buy back Romeo and Julius.

Alice: How come?

Oliver: He says he has too many rabbits already?

Cindy: Boy, am I a loser.

Oliver: Quit complaining. I’m a two time loser.

(Bobby comes in with the rest of his hair tonic.)

Bobby: You guys are about to see a fortune go down the drain.

Cindy: What are you going to do?

Bobby: Mom said to pour it all out. There goes my millions.

(He pours out the first bottle.)

Alice: Well, that’s life. Just like that. From Diamond Jim to bankrupt Bobby. I’m sorry.

(She leaves.)

Cindy: I’m bankrupt too, Bobby.

Bobby: Oh yeah, how come?

Oliver: Because Juliet’s a boy, and Mr. Kirby’s a fink.

Cindy: In other words, my rabbits can’t have babies and Mr. Kirby won’t buy them back.

Greg (coming in): Okay, Bobby, (he takes a towel off his head) you’re off the hook.

Bobby: Greg, your hair is back to normal.

Greg: Yes.

Cindy: It looks great. (Bobby accidentally pours the tonic on Cindy’s rabbits. Cindy gets upset) Bobby, look what you’re doing!

Bobby: Ah, listen, I’m really sorry. I’ll get a towel. I’ll dry them off.

Oliver: Hey, look.

Cindy: That stuff turned them orange.

Greg: Hey, don’t worry about it. Tonic won’t hurt them. Mom checked it out.

Cindy: Yeah, but what am I gonna do with orange rabbits?

Greg: Maybe Mom will get them an appointment at the beauty parlor.

(He leaves.)

Bobby: I think I got it.

Cindy: What?

Bobby: The solution to our millionaire problem!

(The next scene has them coming back home, feeling excited.)

Bobby: This is fantastic. I knew it would work, you guys.

Cindy (to Carol): Bobby’s the greatest.

Oliver: He’s a financial genius.

Carol: What happened? Where did you get the check?

(Bobby shows her a check they got from Mr. Kirby.)

Bobby: We sold Cindy’s rabbits back to Mr. Kirby at the pet shop.

Carol: I thought Mr. Kirby had enough rabbits.

Cindy: Enough ordinary rabbits, but not orange ones.

Oliver: Neat and natural orange.

Carol: Don’t tell me those rabbits got into the shower with Greg.

Bobby: I got all my money back too, Mom.

Carol: How?

Bobby: You see, I sold the rest of my hair tonic to Mr. Kirby, so he can make more orange rabbits. It’s harmless and it will grow out. you said so.

Carol: Well.

Oliver: You know, I’ve got an idea. If we bought a carload of rabbits, and we bought a carload of that hair tonic.

Bobby: Oliver, that’s a fantastic idea!

Carol (sternly): Bobby.

Bobby: How could you think of such a stupid idea.

Cindy: What are we gonna do with the money?

Bobby: I know. I saw an ad in the newspaper. We can make a fortune raising worms!

Oliver: You mean orange worms!

(Carol laughs and the scene fades.)

(The final scene has the family coming home form Greg’s high school graduation.)

Carol: Oh, Greg, we are so proud of you graduating with honors. Too bad your father was out of town and had to miss it.

NOTE: This explained why Mike was not in this episode. Robert Reed believed the script for this episode was so ridiculous he refused to appear in it.

Alice: I’ll take out the ice cream and cake so we can celebrate.

Carol: I’ll help, Alice.

Greg (to Marcia and Peter): Ha ha, can you believe it.

Peter: Have you decided what college you’re going to yet?

Greg (menacingly): No,. not yet. You two are just gonna have to wait and see who gets my room.

Oliver: I know what to do with your room, so they won’t have to fight over it.

Greg: What’s that, Oliver?

Oliver: Make it into a guest room.

Marcia: Who’d be the guest?

Oliver: Me, Cousin Oliver. (They frown at his idea) Gosh, it was only a suggestion.

(They all smile.)


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