S3 E10 Her Sister’s Shadow

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Her Sister’s Shadow

Written by Al Schwartz and Ray Singer

Jan gets jealous of Marcia’s trophies and overachievements so she tries to find something else to succeed at. I hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

MRS. WATSON, Jan’s teacher

TEACHER

SCHOOL PRINCIPAL

KATIE, Jan’s friend

(The episode begins in Jna’s classroom, with her and her classmates handing in an essay to their teacher, Mrs. Watson.)

Jan: Here’s my essay, Mrs. Watson.

Mrs. Watson: Thank you. Oh, what a splendid title, Jan. What America means to me.

Jan: I hope the judges like it.

Mrs. Watson: I hope so, too. Incidentally, I’m very pleased with the way your work has been improving, Jan.

Jan: Thank you.

Mrs. Watson: Of course, I always expect great things from a Brady. Your sister Marcia was one of the best students I ever had.

Jan: I know, you told me.

Mrs. Watson: And I’m sure that if you try hard enough, you can do as well as your sister.

Jan: Thank you, I’ll see you tomorrow.

(She starts to leave and then Marcia comes in.)

Marcia: Hi, Jan.

Jan: Hi, Marcia.

Marcia: Hello Mrs. Watson.

Mrs. Watson: Oh, Marcia, we were just talking about you.

Jan: Yeah.

(She walks out the door.)

Marcia: Hey, wait a minute. I stopped by to walk home with you.

Jan: I think I can do that all by myself.

Marcia (to himself): Gee, I wonder what’s bugging her.

(Back at the house, Jan goes upstairs to her room, and, in a fit of jealousy, takes all of Marcia’s awards and trophies and puts them in the closet.)

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(The next scene has Marcia coming home. She notices all her awards missing.)

Marcia: Mother! Mom!

(She rushes into Carol’s room.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Marcia: Mom, have you seen my awards? They’re not on my shelf.

Carol: No, I haven’t.

Marcia: Well, they were there when I left for school this morning.

Carol: Well, maybe Alice took them down to dust them.

(She runs down the stairs to Alice, who is cleaning out the stove.)

Marcia: Alice.

Alice: Oh, yeah?

Marcia: Did you take my awards down to dust?

Alice: No, I didn’t, Marcia. They were in their usual place when I cleaned this morning.

Marcia: Well, they’re not there now.

Alice: You’ll find them, sweetie.

Marcia: My whole lifetime of achievements were on that shelf. all my years of hard work. All my awards. Gone, gone, gone.

Alice: And you never got a dramatic award?

Marcia: Alice, it isn’t funny.

Alice: Well, they’ve got to be around somewhere, honey. What about the boys? Maybe they’re pulling one of their jokes.

Marcia (bitterly): The boys. They sure do have a dumb sense of humor.

(Outside, the boys are playing basketball.)

Greg (to Peter): You missed again. (He grabs the ball) Watch the master show you how to do it.

(He takes a shot but misses also.)

Peter: I can do that without being a master.

(Bobby grabs the ball.)

Bobby: Watch me you guys. (He takes a shot and makes a dunk) Any questions?

9Peter gets a dunk after standing too close to the basket.)

Marcia: All right, you guys! Which one of you took them?

Peter: Took what?

Marcia: You know what!

Greg: Marcia, we didn’t take anything. And we’re trying to play ball.

Bobby: They’re just trying, I know how.

(Greg takes a shot and misses. Marcia grabs the ball.)

Peter: Hey, give me it!

Marcia: Nobody gets the ball until I get a straight answer.

(Mike comes driving in and sees the arguing. He parks and then goes to intervene.)

Mike: Hey, what’s all the yelling about, huh?

Bobby: She stole our ball.

Marcia: I’m just trying to find out what they did with my school awards. They took them from my room.

Greg: We did not! At least I didn’t.

Peter: Me neither. I wouldn’t touch them.

Bobby: I can’t even reach them.

Mike (disbelieving): Fellas, let’s stop kidding around, huh.

Greg: Honest Dad, I didn’t lay a hand on them.

Peter: Me neither.

Bobby: I’m too short.

Marcia: Well somebody took them. Mom hasn’t seen them and neither has Alice.

Mike: All right, honey, don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll find them.

(He takes the ball and successfully takes a shot. He and Marcia go inside and see Carol.)

Carol: Marcia, were the boys responsible for the missing awards?

Marcia: Well, they said they weren’t.

(Cindy comes in with the awards.)

Cindy: Marcia, if you’re through with these, can I have them?

Marcia (pleased): Where did you find my awards, Cindy?

Cindy: In the closet in our room.

Marcia: The closet?

Carol: What on earth were they doing there?

Cindy: Hey, I could scratch your name off, Marcia, and put mine on it.

Marcia: Sorry, Cindy.

Cindy (looking one award over): Cindy Brady, class president. Hey, that would be really neat.

Marcia: I wonder how they got in the closet. (Mike and carol shrug in ignorance) Thanks for finding them, Cindy.

Cindy: You’re welcome.

(She runs out of the family room. Marcia takes her awards and puts them back where she had them.)

Carol: I wonder who could’ve done that, Mike.

Mike: I don’t know, honey. Everybody’s denied it, I guess except one person, Jan.

Carol: But why would Jan do it?

Mike: That’s a good question.

(We next see Marcia in her room cleaning off the awards and Jan comes in.)

Marcia: Jan, did you put those awards of mine in the closet?

Jan: What if I did?

Marcia: Well, why would you do a thing like that?

Jan (petulantly): Because I felt like it, that’s why.

Marcia: What kind of dumb reason is that? I want to know why you did it.

Jan: It’s none of your business.

(She leaves the room.)

Marcia (angry): Jan, wait a minute!

Jan: I don’t care to discuss it!

Marcia: Come back here!

(Mike and Carol overhear the argument from the den. They come outside and see Jan coming down the stairs, still arguing with Marcia.)

Jan: I don’t have to tell you anything! (She comes down the stairs and sees Carol) Oh, hi!

Carol: What’s all the yelling up there? What’s wrong?

Jan: Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.

Carol: Uh-huh. That’s the kind of nothing that bothers me the most.

(They go into the den to discuss the matter with Mike>0

Jan: I didn’t hurt the awards. Marcia always makes such a big deal out of everything.

Mike: Jan, if those had been your awards, and Marcia had dumped them somewhere, wouldn’t you be upset, too?

Jan: I guess. But every time Marcia turns around, they hand her a blue ribbon or something.

Carol: Oh now, Jan, you know that isn’t so. Marcia worked very hard for those things.

Jan: Well, all I hear all day long at school is how great Marcia is at this, or how wonderful Marcia did that. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Carol: Now, sweetheart.

Jan: All those awards staring me in the face was too much. I’m tired of being in Marcia’s shadow all the time.

Carol: Now, Jan, you’re not in anybody’s shadow. Well, Marcia’s three years older than you. She should have more to show for herself.

Jan: Maybe, but everything comes so easy for her.

Mike: Oh Jan, come on. You have to be realistic all the time. Nobody, nobody has smooth sailing all the time.

Carol; Well, that’s right. Marcia has her disappointments, too. She doesn’t always win.

(Marcia comes in.)

Marcia (excited): You’ll never guess what! I just got a call from the school! I’ve been made editor of the school newspaper!

(Mike, Carol and Jan look like they don’t know how to respond.0

Mike: That’s fine, honey.

Carol: That’s great, Marcia.

Marcia: I’ve got to call Jennifer. She’ll just flip!

(She leaves the den.)

Jan: See what I mean? She wants to be editor, boom, she’s editor.

Carol: Jan, you’re really not being fair. You know that Marcia’s been working on that for months. Look, honey, if you really feel you’re in your sister’s shadow, do something about it. Get out and develop your own talent.

Mike: That’s right, Jan. Some of us are good at one thing and some of us are good at another.

Carol: It’s like your father and I always say, find out what you do best, and do your best with it.

Jan: Maybe you’re right, but what can I do best?

Mike: Well, if you keep your eyes open, I’ll bet you something will present itself.

(The next day, jan and her friend Katie notice they have pom-pom tryouts on the bulletin board.)

Jan: This is the opportunity I’ve been waiting for, Katie.

Katie: Hey, I think I’ll try out for pom-pom girl, too.

Jan: I’m going to start practicing right after school. That’s one thing my sister’s never done, been a pom-pom girl.

Katie: Oh, you have one of those sisters, too?

Jan: Have I ever. But I’ll show her.

(The scene fades.)

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(The next scene has Alice in the kitchen cutting up newspaper for Jan to practice with. Greg and bobby come in and notice what she’s doing.)

Greg: Alice, the news can’t be all that bad.

Alice: Well, you know what they say, no news is good news.

Bobby: What are yo cutting up the papers for?

Alice: I’m not cutting up papers. I am creating.

Greg: Creating? Creating what?

Alice: Pom-poms. Jan wants to join a pom-pom squad at school. She wants to practice, so I am creating pom-poms.

Greg: Oh now, I get it. The strips of paper, you tie them to the spoons and pom-poms.

Alice: Oh, well, now that you’ve got the idea in your heads, how about a little help.

Bobby: Sure.

(He and Greg assist Alice in cutting up papers and making new pom-poms.)

Bobby: This is fun.

Greg: You know pom-pom girls are really important. last year our team was terrible, but the cheers were great.

Alice: Yeah, like what, for instance?

(Greg gets up and demonstrates a cheer.)

Greg: Hey, hey, what do you say, who’s gonna win the game today? I say, ho, ho, what do you know? the score we got is gonna grow. I say, hey, hey, ho, ho, come on team, let’s go, go, go!

Bobby: Hey, that’s great, go, go, go!

Alice: Well, I hate to say it fellows, but I think we did it better in my day.

Greg: oh yeah, like what?

(Alice gets up and performs an old cheer from her high school days.)

Alice: Popcorn, peanuts, onion soup! We want a touchdown, boop boop a doop!

Greg: Boop boop a doop? I think that’s a little old fashioned, Alice.

Alice: Well, in my day, it was as right on as heavy man is today.

Bobby: Hey, I heard a great cheer at Peter’s basketball game the other day. But I need some help from you guys, okay?

Alice: Okay.

Greg; Sure.

(Now, it’s Bobby’s turn to recite a cheer.)

Bobby: Give me a B!

Alice and Greg: B!

Bobby: Give me another B!

Alice and Greg: B!

Bobby: Give me another B!

Alice and Greg: B!

Bobby: What does it spell? (Alice and Greg don’t answer) What does it spell?

Greg: What does it spell?

Bobby: B-B-B-B-B

Greg: That was really a great one, Bobby.

Alice (finishing): Hey, here they are. They’re finished. How do they look?

Greg: Great!

Bobby: Why don’t you use them.

(She gets up to try them out but as soon as she does, they fall apart.)

(Next, Jan goes outside with Cindy to start practicing. Cindy sets down a radio with mood music. Cindy sets it down as Jan gets warmed up.)

Cindy: Can I turn it on?

Jan: No, I better limber up first.

Cindy: How can you practice being a pom-pom girl without any pom-poms?

Jan: Alice is making me some.

(She starts to practice kicking but accidentally kicked her shoe off. Carol catches it.)

Carol (coming outside): Well, I heard of flying saucers, but shoes?

Jan: I was just warming up, Mom.

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: Anyone for pom-poms?

Jan: They look like mops, Alice.

Alice: Well, when they’re down here, they’re mops. When they’re up here, they’re pom-poms.

Carol: Alice!

Alice: It’s the best I could do in short notice.

(She hands them to Jan.)

Jan: Thanks, Alice.

Carol: Well, come on, honey, let’s see you do your stuff.

Jan: okay, Cindy, now.

(Cindy turns on the radio and Jan starts to practice to the tune of the Washington Post March. Mike and Marcia notice her from inside.)

Mike: Well, she’s certainly working hard at it.

Marcia: I sure hope she makes it, Dad.

Mike: Yeah.

Marcia: Hey, maybe I could give Jan a few pointers and show her some steps I learned when I was trying out for pom-pom girl.

Mike: Marcia, now, I know you want to be helpful, but I think under the circumstances, you better not, hmmm?

Marcia: Yeah, I’m the last person she’d want help from. But I sure am rooting for her.

Mike: Well, I think she’d like to know that. Why don’t you tell her.

Marcia: I sure will.

(Jan finishes and the music stops.)

Carol: Oh, hey., that’s good.

Jan: Oh, thanks.

Carol: Hey, you’ve been working.

Jan: Yeah, but I still have to practice a whole lot.

Carol: oh, that’s okay.

(Jan is later in her room and Marcia comes in to offer her support.)

Marcia: Jan.

Jan: Yeah.

Marcia: I was watching you rehearse before. I just want you to know I think you’re doing great.

Jan: You really do, Marcia?

Marcia: You might even be chosen to be the leader, Miss Pom-pom.

Jan: Wow, thanks.

Marcia: Well, I just wanted you to know how I felt. That’s all.

Jan: That means a lot to me,. Marcia.

9The next scene has Jan practicing some more.)

Jan (to Cindy): It’s really hard to do it by myself. There’s supposed to be three other girls.

(peter and Bobby come over and teasingly pretend to danc ein the background.)

Jan: What do you think you’re doing?

Peter: We’re just trying to help.

Bobby: That’s all.

Carol: Hey, that’s a great idea. Bobby, you get over there and Peter, you stand right there. Jan could use some help.

Alice: Oh, yes, you boys will make lovely pom-pom girls.

Peter: I’m not gonna be any pom-pom girl.

Bobby: I’m not even gonna be a pom-pom boy.

Jan (to Carol and Alice): I really could use some help.

Carol: Well, I’ll lend a leg. I once won a twist contest.

Alice: Oh, and I may have one good kick left.

(They get up and join Jan.)

Carol: Okay, now what do we do?

Jan: This is a different one. Okay, so we go right, left, right, kick. Left, right, left, kick.

Carol: Come on, Alice, get up there.

Alice: Woo. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

(She feels pain in her back.)

Carol: What’s the matter?

Alice: That’s my two way stretch. I think it just went three ways.

(She walks away in agony. the next day, tryouts are being held in Jan’s school. They show a girl trying out very energetically.)

Teacher: thank you, that was very nice. The last girl up is Jan Brady. Ready, Jan?

Jan: Yes, ma’am.

(Jan gets up to try out while Marcia looks on behind the stage.)

Teacher: Thank you, Jan.

(Jan sits down with the other girl while the teacher and the other judges tally up their scores.)

Teacher (standing up): You were all wonderful, girls. But as you know, we only need four pom-pom girls. And the ones we selected to represent the school this year are, Gloria Harper, Katie Rand, Judy Smith and Laura Richmond. Thank you, girls, that’s all for today.

(A disappointed Jan gets up and leaves while Marcia looks on unhappily. Back at home, Marcia tells the parents what happened.)

Marcia: I anted to go over to try to cheer Jan up, but I thought I’d just make her feel more upset.

Mike: Jan wanted that so badly, too.

Carol: She worked so hard for it.

Marcia: If there was any way I thought I could make her feel better, I’d gladly give back all my awards.

Mike: Well, when she gets home, let’s not bring up that pom-pom thing. If she wants to talk about it, she will.

Marcia: I doubt it, she’s absolutely miserable.

(Jan comes in.)

Jan (excited): Hi, have I got terrific news!

Carol: You made the pom-pom team!

Jan: No, better! Remember my essay on Americanism? It won the contest! I finished the first in the whole school!

Carol: Oh, that’s wonderful!

Mike: That’s great!

Marcia: Sensational!

Jan: After I bombed out at the pom-pom trials, Mrs. Watson was waiting to tell me. My essay won 98 out of a possible 100 points.

Mike (pleased): 98?

Jan: Yes! the highest anybody ever got. The closest was Nora Cooms with 95.

Carol: Oh, Jan, we’re so proud of you.

Jan: Monday morning at the assembly, in front of the whole student body, I’m going to be presented with  a certificate in the Honor Society.

Marcia: Oh, I’ll make that the headline story in the school newspaper. (she mimics her voice to sound like a reporter) Tell me, Ms. Brady, how does it feel to be a celebrity?

Jan: No different darling, I’m so used to it, I’ve been one for almost an hour.

Marcia (to Carol): As the mother of a celebrity, Mrs. Brady, would you care to tell us anything about her childhood?

Carol: Oh, yes, I’d love to. Well, you know, she was always a genius. She learned to say Mommy and Daddy before she was six years old.

Marcia: One more question, please.

Jan: Sorry miss, I cannot go on any longer, it’s been a most exhausting day.

(She leaves and goes upstairs.)

Carol: Well, everything is back to normal.

(upstairs, Jan is going over her essay.)

Jan: Finally, I did it. Something Marcia has never done in her whole life. (She kisses the folder her essay is in) 98 points. (She tallies up her score) Spelling 15, Grammar 14, Neatness 14, Originality of idea, 15, Composition 15, Presentation 10, Literary style 10. (She realizes a mistake) That only adds up to 93 (she checks again) it is only 93. (She gets shocked) I didn’t win, Nora Cooms did.

(Jan’s conscience starts to speak.)

Jan’s conscience: Jan, everybody thinks you won.

Jan: But I didn’t.

Jan’s conscience: Nobody but you and I know that. We’re not going to tell, are we?

Jan: How can I take an hour I haven’t earned?

Jan’s conscience: Listen, they owe it to you. You should have been a pom-pom girl, you were the best one there.

(Alice comes in.)

Alice: Ta-da-da-da-da-da! Congratulations, honor society woman of the year. (She hugs her) I’m going to bake you a cake the size of Mount Rushmore but much sweeter.

(The other kids come in. They all congratulate her and Greg picks her up and gives her a bear hug. They notice her folder with the essay.)

Greg: Hey, is this it?

Jan: Yes, that’s it.

(Greg tries to look at it but Jan stops him.)

Greg: I’m not going to steal it! I just want to see your terrific score.

Jan: But I don’t want you to smudge it or anything.

Cindy: 98, wow, I hope I grow up to be as smart as you.

Bobby: Yeah, you could use it.

(Cindy gives him a dirty look.)

Greg: Well, congratulations again, Jan.

(They all leave. Jan stays in there and ponders. She looks at Marcia’s awards again. her conscience starts to speak up again.)

Jan’s conscience: You finally did something Marcia never did. you’re not going to throw that away, are you?

Jan: I guess everybody would be awfully disappointed.

Jan’s conscience: Your mother and father would be crushed. You can’t let them down. Besides, you have it coming to you.

(The next scene is back at Jan’s school. The honor assembly is ready to present Jan with her award.)

Principal: I’m happy to say that the PTA Bazaar raised 87 dollars for the student activity fund. The dramatic society’s annual play will be postponed one week. The lab schedule for science 9B will be posted on the bulletin board tomorrow. And any students wishing to volunteer for cleanup week kindly give their names to Mrs. Atterbury.

(Mike and Carol are standing backstage.)

Carol (to Mike): Proud?

Mike (jokingly0: nah.

(She nudges him.)

Principal: Now I’m going to turn over the microphone to Mrs. Watson who has a very important announcement to make regarding the honor society award. Mrs. Watson.

(The audience claps as the teacher goes to speak.)

Mrs. Watson: As you all know, this is the time of year when the students compete for a place in the honor society.

Jan (rushing up to her): Wait, Mrs. Watson.

(She whispers in he rear and shows her the mistake on her essay. Mrs. Watson hugs her and she goes off the stage.)

Mrs. Watson: The announcement I was about to make has to be changed. I just learned that an error was made in scoring the essay contest. (Mike, Carol and the audience are in shock) The winner of the Honor Society Award is not Jan Brady. it is Nora Cooms, with a score of 95. (Another shocked reaction from everyone) We will present Nora’s award at the assembly next week, so her parents can be present. I wish I had a special award for Jan Brady for calling this error to my attention. She has today set a standard of sportsmanship and honesty that truly gives meaning to the words honor society. I’m sure Jan’s parents are very proud of her. (Pause) Her behavior today should be an example to all of us.

(The audience claps. Jan is backstage talking to her parents.)

Jan: And I wanted to win at something so badly, I didn’t know what to do.

Carol: Well, Jan, sometimes when we lose, we win.

(She hugs her. Jan is in her room at home with Marcia.)

Marcia: You really created a sensation yesterday, Jan.

Jan: Oh.

Marcia: Yeah. My room was still buzzing about it today.

Jan: Oh, thanks.

(Cindy came in the room unhappy.)

Cindy: Hi.

Jan: Hi. What’s the matter with you?

Cindy: You’re the matter with me.

Jan: What do you mean?

Cindy: They changed my room in school today. I got one of your old teachers.

Jan: So what?

Cindy: She heard about what you did. Now all I hear all day is what a great sister I have. Jan, Jan, Jan.

(Jan gives a meek but proud grin.)

Marcia: Look, Cindy, some of us are good at one thing, and some of us are good at another.

Jan: That’s right. So find out what you do best and do your best with it.

Cindy: It isn’t going to be easy.

Jan: Why not?

Cindy: I’m good at so many different things.

(Marcia and Jan laugh. The scene fades.)

images marcia cheers for jan

(The final scene has Alice in the family room. Greg comes in.)

Alice: Hi, there.

Greg: Hey, you’re sure in a good mood.

Alice: Yes I am, and it’s all thanks to you.

Greg: Me? What did I do?

Alice: Well, you cut my housework in half.

Greg: How did I do that?

Alice: By teaching me all those cheers. Now, you know the way I usually dust? You know, like this? (She shows him) Pretty dull work, right?

Greg: I guess so.

Alice: Well, now, thanks to you, rickety rack, rickety rust, give it a flick and away goes the rust.

(She continues to dust the fast way and then starts dusting Greg playfully.)

                                          THE END

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S3 E9 The Private Ear

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The Private Ear

Written by Michael Morris

Peter uses Mike’s tape recorder to listen to other people’s conversations. Things get out of hand when the kids start arguing with each other. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

MARCIA BRADY

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

(The episode begins with Marcia walking in the house in a daze. When she gets halfway up the stairs, she decides to run up to her room, where she sees Jan.)

Jan: Hi.

Marcia: Hi. (She moves a little closer) Jan, the truth, do you see anything different about me?

Jan (checking her over): Your right eye looks bloodshot.

Marcia: I mean my expression.

Jan: No.

Marcia: Oh, good! I thought the whole world could see it.

(She sits on her bed and Jan comes up to her.)

Jan: Well, let me look again.

Marcia: Jan, can you keep a secret?

Jan: Sure.

Marcia: You have to give me your solemn promise.

Jan (raising her right hand): My solemn word.

Marcia: I’m in love.

Jan: Wow! Who is it this time?

Marcia: What do you mean this time? the others were just school girl crushes.

Jan: Is there a difference?

Marcia: Is there a difference? Is there a difference between a shooting star and a firecracker?

Jan: Who is he?

Marcia: Andrew Winicker.

Jan: Is he gorgeous?

Marcia: Well, he will be once his complexion clears up. I’m so happy, and I’m miserable.

Jan: How can you be both?

Marcia: It’s easy when you’re in love.

Jan: If that’s love, I’d rather have the measles. I’m gonna go down for some milk.

Marcia: Hey, remember, you swore not to tell anybody.

Jan: I couldn’t even explain it.

(The girls leave the room, as Peter enters through the bathroom. He grabs a tape recorder hidden under the bed. He plays back the conversation between Marcia and Jan. The scene fades out.)

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(In the next scene, Marcia is in the living room studying. Peter comes in whistling, then he goes up to Marcia and checks her over.)

Marcia: What are you doing?

Peter: Nothing.

(He pulls up a chair.)

Marcia: You’re not just doing nothing, you’re staring at me. Why are you staring at me?

Peter: You, you look different.

Marcia: What do you mean different?

Peter: It’s, it’s hard to explain. It’s like, you’re happy and miserable at the same time.

Marcia (suspicious): Peter Brady, you know something.

Peter: Not me. (He gets up) I don’t even know the difference between a shooting star and a firecracker.

Marcia (getting up): You do know!

Peter: Know what?

Marcia: You know what what. (to herself) Jan! Jan! (He runs in the kitchen, where Jan is having milk and cookies) You told Jan, you told.

Jan: What did I tell?

Marcia: You know what you told.

Jan: I did not, I didn’t say a thing.

Alice: Well, not to me, she didn’t. Hasn’t opened her mouth except to gobble cookies.

Jan: Who do you think I told?

Marcia: You know who, and you know what, and about you know whom. Now it will be all over you know where, and I’ll die of humiliation.

Jan: Well, whoever it is, they didn’t find out from me.

Alice: Why don’t you tell you know who what’s what, and maybe we can work it out.

Marcia: If you can’t trust your own sister to keep a solemn promise, you can’t trust anyone!

Jan: Look Marcia, I promised not to, and I didn’t!

Marcia: How could you look me straight me in the eye and tell me an outright fib? Jan, this is the end of our sisterhood!

Jan: I didn’t tell, honest I didn’t!

(They leave the kitchen and Carol comes in.)

Carol (to Alice): What in the world was all that shouting about?

Alice: Well, just a little disagreement, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: About what?

Alice: Well, it seems that Marcia accused Jan of telling you know who about you know whom, and pretty soon you will be over you know what.

Carol: Alice, I want to thank you for clearing that up for me.

Alice: Anytime.

(The next scene has Greg in his bedroom fixing a clock. Peter comes in.)

Peter: What are you doing?

Greg: What does it look like I’m doing?

Peter: Fixing a clock.

Greg: Gee, how did you ever figure that out?

Peter: Boy, you sure are edgy today.

Greg: I’m always edgy when people are breathing down my neck.

Peter: Sorry, I can’t inhale all the time.

Marcia (entering the room): Greg.

Greg: Yeah.

Marcia: Did you want to see me?

Greg: Yeah. Pete, will you get lost? I have something important to discuss with Marcia. It’s private.

Peter: Sure, I know when I’m not wanted.

(He leaves but gets down on the floor.)

Greg: What are you doing?

Peter: I dropped something, I want to pick it up, do you mind?

Greg: well, hurry up.

(He turns the tape recorder on and gets up.)

Peter: Have a nice talk.

Greg: Marcia, can I trust you to keep a secret?

Marcia: My word, unlike some people’s, is as good as gold.

Greg: I’m in kind of a jam. (He gets up from his chair) And if  Mom and Dad find out about it, I’d get one of those lectures which I probably deserve, but which I’m not in the mood for at the moment.

Marcia: What did you do?

Greg: Last year I had an assignment in English class to read the Red Badge of Courage. I got it out of the library, and read it, and then forgot it.

Marcia: Yeah, some books are like that. They just don’t stay with you.

Greg: What I mean is, I forgot to return the book to the library.

Marcia: You mean it was overdue?

Greg: 40 weeks. The fine was like the national debt, wiped me out.

Marcia: I don’t see why Mom and Dad should get so mad. Forgetting to return a library book can happen to anybody.

Greg: Yeah, well, this is my 3rd offense this term. So I’d rather not ask Dad for an advance on my allowance. If you could lend me enough for lunch money, I’d sure appreciate it.

Marcia: okay, I’ll lend you the money.

Greg: Thanks, Marcia, and mum’s the word.

Marcia: mum’s the word.

(The next scene has Greg playing basketball and Peter pestering him.)

Peter: Read any good books lately?

Greg: Why did you bring that up all of a sudden?

Peter: No reason. Just making conversation. (He throws the ball to him) How about last year? Read any good books last year?

Greg: I don’t remember.

(He takes another shot.)

Peter: Some older brother you are. You’re supposed to set a good example, so I don’t end up reading trash.

Greg: Read war and Peace.

Peter (throwing the ball to him): How about the Red Badge of Courage?

(Greg balks at taking a shot.)

Greg: How about the Red Badge of courage?

Peter: I heard it was great. It must be, because when I went down to the library to get it, the librarian said it was out, and hadn’t been returned in almost a year.

Greg (fuming): Marcia!

(Peter runs off and Marcia comes out.)

Marcia: Did you want me?

Greg: Maybe for the last time in my life!

Marcia (surprised): What’s that supposed to mean?

Greg: You told Peter and don’t deny it!

Marcia: I didn’t tell him a thing!

Greg; So you told somebody who told Peter!

Marcia: I didn’t tell anybody!

Greg: Then how did he find out?

Marcia: I don’t know, maybe he’s got ESP.

Greg: ESP, Marcia, don’t just sit there and deny it!

(Mike comes home, parks the car and tries to intervene.)

Mike: Hey, hey, hey, what are you kids arguing about?

Greg: Dad, this is kind of private.

Mike: Oh, well, in that case, have a nice argument.

Marcia: I didn’t tell him a thing!

(Carol is upstairs in the bedroom when Mike comes in.)

Mike: Hey, sweetheart.

Carol: Hi, honey.

(They kiss.)

Mike: When did the rummage sale start?

Carol: I was just checking my old ski clothes for the weekend, but the moths beat me to it.

Mike: Then you can use a new ski thing, guaranteed off limits for months.

(He hands her a gift.)

Carol: Oh, Mike! (She kisses him) Thank you. Oh, my goodness. What brought this on? (She opens it and it’s a new ski sweater) Oh, Mike, it’s lovely.

Mike: It’ll be even lovelier when it’s filled. (He gives her another kiss) How was your day?

Carol: Oh, the usual. Marcia and Jan are still feuding.

Mike: That’s funny. Marcia and Greg were just fussing and feuding too. What’s it all about?

Carol: I haven’t a clue.

(The next scene has Bobby and Cindy arguing over something as well in the family room.)

Bobby: You did.

Cindy: I didn’t.

Bobby: You did too.

Cindy: I did not.

(Greg comes in.)

Greg: Hey, what are you two arguing about?

Bobby: Well, you might as well know, she told everybody else. I got called to the principal’s office for chewing gum in class.

Greg: That’s not exactly the crime of the century.

Bobby: Well, just the same, a secret’s a secret.

Cindy: I did not say a word.

(Greg decides to walk away and Alice comes in.)

Alice: Anyone for dinner?

Bobby: If I wanted to tell you know who about you know what, I would have told you know who myself.

(They both go to dinner.)

Alice: Seems to me I’ve heard that song before.

(During dinner, Mike and carol notice the kids eating their dinner without speaking to each other.)

Carol: What is this, a silent contest?

Mike: If silence is golden, this must be worth a fortune.

(Carol laughs. When the kids continue their silence, Mike clinks on his glass for attention.)

Mike: Okay, kids, that’s it. You are all released from your vow of silence and I want to hear a little conversation and not about the weather.

Marcia: Well, I confided something in Jan, and she told it to everybody.

Jan: You accused me of being a stool pigeon.

Greg: You can’t trust anybody, Dad.

Bobby: It kinda makes you mad when your own sister rats on you.

Cindy: I didn’t rat on you.

(They continue to argue with each other while Peter eats his dinner like nothing was going on. Carol and Mike notice this and they bring him to the den after for a talk.)

Mike: Guess you’re wondering why we’ve asked you to this private caucus.

Peter: It kinda entered my mind.

Mike: From what we’ve been able to learn, there’s a security leak in the Brady administration. You seem to come off as Mr. Know-it-all.  Any explanations?

Peter: Gee, I didn’t think it would turn out like this.

Carol: You didn’t think what would turn out like what?

Peter: Well (Pause) I kinda bugged the rooms with Dad’s tape recorder.

Mike (shocked): You kind of what?

Carol: Peter, why would you do a thing like that?

Peter: I only did it for a joke.

Mike: You think eavesdropping on other people’s private conversations is a joke?

Peter: I meant it to be.

Mike: Son, invasion of privacy is a serious offense. People can be sued for that.

Peter: You mean my own brothers and sisters are going to sue me?

Carol: Well, since this is your first offense, I think they might settle for an apology.

Mike: immediately!

(Peter leaves and apologizes to the other kids in the next scene in the family room.)

Peter: So, I’m sorry. What I did was dumb and stupid, but I really didn’t mean any harm. So I’d appreciate it if you’d just forgive me, okay?

(All the kids forgive him and  apologize to each other for their accusations. They leave the family room except for Greg and Marcia.)

Greg: He’s getting away with murder. All he has to do is apologize.

Marcia: I know. What kind of punishment is that?

Greg; None. He’ll just do it again.

Marcia: He probably will. But, there’s nothing we can do it.

Greg (coming up with an idea): Wait, maybe there is.

Marcia: What?

Greg: Give him a taste of his own medicine. I mean, if Peter is so crazy about listening to other people’s conversations on the tape recorder, why not give him something to really  listen to.

(Marcia smiles in agreement as the scene fades.)

untitled mr. know it all

(The next scene has Greg and Marcia in her bedroom with the tape recorder. They’re about to record a conversation.)

Greg: Okay, let’s give that private ear something he’ll really enjoy listening to.

Marcia: Yeah.

Greg: You know what to say now?

Marcia: Yeah. I’d love to see Peter’s face when he hears this.

(Greg starts to record.)

Greg: Boy, that Peter’s a lucky son-of-a-gun, isn’t he, Marcia?

Marcia: Whatever do you mean, Gregory?

Greg (frustrated): Cut! Erase! What is this whatever do you mean Gregory stuff?

Marcia: That’s what I’m supposed to say.

Greg: Yeah, but not like you’re the Queen of England. Be yourself, okay?

Marcia: Okay.

Greg: Boy, that Peter’s a lucky son-of-a-gun, isn’t he, Marcia/

Marcia: What do you mean, Greg?

Greg: I mean, Mom and Dad are throwing Peter a surprise party.

Marcia: Are they really going to?

Greg: Sure, and he deserves it. I mean, Peter has been failing geometry all year and then, bang, he buckles down and brings home an A. Mom and Dad are so proud they had to do something for him.

Marcia: We should too. Are you going to get him a present?

Greg: I sure am, something special.

Marcia: We should all get him presents. I just hope he doesn’t find out.

Greg: Not a chance! Mom and Dad have worked it out great. They’re going to pretend to drive away on their skiing trip Friday. But they’re really going to come back for the party.

Marcia: Gee, that’s terrific. Boy, will peter be surprised.

(The next scene has Peter in his room, and Greg comes in with the recorder.)

Greg: Okay, Mr. Big Ears, what’s the big idea?

Peter: Huh?

Greg: Don’t give me that innocent jazz. Haven’t you learned your lesson yet?

Peter: What did I do?

Greg: Marcia found this under her desk and it was going.

Peter: Well, I didn’t put it there.

Greg: Sure you didn’t. Now, put it back in Dad’s den where it belongs, and don’t let me catch you using it again.

(He leaves the room.)

Peter (yelling): Boy, you’re sure not the forgiving type, are you? (to himself) what’s that all about?

(He takes the recorder, shuts the door and listens. The tape plays back the conversation between them while Greg and Marcia listen from the hallway in triumph.)

(Next, Peter is in the kitchen peeling potatoes, much to Alice’s surprise.)

Peter: You keep looking at me kind of funny, am I doing it wrong?

Alice: The raised eyebrows are not for how you’re doing it, but why you’re doing it.

Peter: Well, I just think a person should help another person whenever he can, that’s all. Like, I loaned my baseball mitt to a friend who lost his. The only trouble is, now I don’t have one. I sure could use a new baseball mitt.

(Carol comes in the kitchen with a ski outfit.)

Carol: Hi everybody. Well, Alice, what do you think?

Alice: If you’re not crowned snow queen, Mrs. Brady, the fix is in.

Peter: You look terrific, Mom.

Carol: Thank you very much.

Peter: Hope you have a great time at the ski lodge.

(He laughs.)

Carol: What’s so funny?

Peter: Nothing.

Carol: Well, I had these ski pants for years. I’m surprised they still fit.

Alice: Well, you watch your figure, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Yeah.

Alice: I watch mine, too, and it’s done some things that have shocked me.

Peter: My only problem is that I’m still growing. (He gets up and puts the potatoes on the counter) Like last year, my feet were too small for cowboy boots. Now they’re just right. Especially brown cowboy boots. Well, I guess I’ll be moseying along.

(He leaves the kitchen.)

Carol: Brown cowboy boots. (She laughs) I know a hint when I hear one.

Alice: He’s also shy one baseball mitt.

Carol: But his birthday isn’t for months.

Alice: I guess he figures, shop early, avoid the rush.

(We next see Mike in his den, working on his typewriter.)

Mike (to himself): Now, what’s the matter with that thing?

(Peter comes in.)

Peter: Dad?

Mike: Yes?

Peter: I finished waxing the car. Anything else I can do?

Mike: Waxing my car, how come?

Peter: Well, all the pollution air can really ruin the paint. If there’s nothing else, I guess I’ll mow the lawn.

Mike: It’s night. And I doubt if the grass has grown very much since you mowed it this morning. You certainly are ambitious today, Peter.

Peter: I guess I’m just in a working mood. Need a hand with the typewriter?

Mike: No, I think it’s had it. This carriage is in the last stage of rigor mortis. The tab key isn’t too well either.

Peter: it would be neat if we had a new typewriter. I know if I had a typewriter then you could use it. Everybody could. A typewriter could really help with my schoolwork. a typewriter is something a guy can really use.

(Mike gives peter a shocked look. Next, Marcia and Greg are playing chess in the family room and Peter comes in.)

Peter: Hi.

Marcia: Hi.

Greg: Hi, Pete.

Peter: Anything I can do for you guys?

Marcia: No, thanks.

Greg: Me either.

Peter: Well, if you need anything, just holler, but holler loud, because I’ll be up in my room listening to records.

Greg: It won’t bother us.

Peter: It might, because my records are kind of scratchy and warped. I really need some new records. Yes, sir, I could really dig some new records. Bye.

(He leaves and Greg and Marcia gloat.)

(Mike is in his den examining the typewriter. Carol comes in wearing a ski jacket.)

Carol: Brave hunter, you like Eskimo wife?

Mike: Hey,  that’s something. Yeah, I may lose you to Smokey the bear.

Carol: Well, you lime it?

Mike: Yeah, how much it cost?

Carol: I borrowed it from Barbara.

Mike: I love it! (They laugh) Oh, I don’t know. This thing (typewriter) is hopeless. You know, I think I’m gonna put my notes on tape. You want to hand me the tape recorder on the table?

(Carol gets the recorder.)

Carol: Hey, listen, do you know why Peter mowed the lawn twice yesterday?

Mike: Well, I think he’s trying to make up for the trouble he’s caused with this thing.

(He turns the recorder on and they hear the conversation between Greg and Marcia.)

Carol: Surprise party?

(The next scene has Mike and Carol leaving for the ski trip. The kids are saying good-bye.)

Mike: We’ll be back next Sunday night, okay?

(The kids all say one more good-bye.)

Peter: Sure you will.

Greg (to Marcia): We really got Peter going.

(Peter is up in his room getting dressed for his expected party. Bobby comes in.)

Bobby: What are you all dressed up for?

Peter: Just getting ready.

Bobby: For what?

Peter: Nothing in particular. When you get to be my age, you kind of go through a neatness period.

Bobby: Boy, I hope that never happens to me.

Peter: It wouldn’t hurt you to look a little neater tonight.

Bobby: You’re off your rocker.

(Next, Peter goes to the staircase, expecting his big bash. He goes down the stairs and excitingly runs into the den but nobody is in there. He then runs into the kitchen, with the same result. He hears Greg and Marcia converting in the kitchen and runs in. He sees them playing another chess game. They are surprised to see him dressed the way he is.)

Peter: Hi.

Marcia: Hi.

Greg: You’re sure dressed up.

Peter: Yeah. Well, I don’t want to interrupt your game. I think I’ll have a glass of milk.

(He goes into the kitchen.)

Greg (to Marcia): Gee, he’s really all charged up about the party.

Marcia: I, I feel kind of funny about it now.

Greg; me too. You think we ought to tell him the truth? (They go out to join Peter in the kitchen) Pete, we better talk to you about something.

Peter: Yeah.

Greg: Listen, there’s not going to be any surprise party.

Peter (pretending not to know): Surprise party?

Marcia: Peter, it was a joke.

Greg: A bad one. We were just trying to teach you a lesson.

Marcia: So we taped that stuff about the surprise party on the tape recorder.

Peter: Oh. (Pause) I don’t blame you guys for being sore. I guess I guess I really deserve it.

(Just then, Mike and Carol return with presents for Peter.)

Carol: Surprise!

Mike: Surprise party!

Carol: Where is everybody? Kids, Alice, Peter, surprise! (Alice, Bobby, Cindy and Jan come down the stairs) We’re having a party for Peter.

Jan: How come?

Mike: Because he got an A in geometry!

Peter (protesting): Greg and Marcia said it was a joke!

Carol: Oh, it’s no joke, honey.

Bobby: Gee, we didn’t buy any presents.

Carol: Oh, yes you did and you’re gonna be amazed at what good taste you all have.

Mike: Come on, how about opening them up? We got to get back to the lodge tonight.

(Greg and Marcia go up to them.)

Greg: Mom, Dad, how did you two find out about it?

Carol: Well, a little tape recorder told us.

Mike: That was pretty unfair of yo two. Why did you do it?

Marcia: Well, Peter played a dirty trick on us.

Greg: And all the punishment he got was that he had to promise not to do it again.

Mike: Well, sometimes a promise is enough.

Carol: I think from now on you two had better leave the discipline to us, okay?

Greg: Okay.

Marcia: We’re sorry.

Peter: Wow, look at this. A tape recorder of my very own. Thanks Mom, thanks, Dad.

Carol: I think you know what to do with one of those, right?

Alice: Hey, Pete, do me a favor, open this one next. It’s from me. I’m dying to see what I got you.

Carol: You’ll love it, Alice.

(Peter opens the gift as the scene fades away.)

untitled baseball mitt and brown cowboy boots

(In the final scene, Peter is in his room playing something on his new tape recorder. Greg and Marcia come in to see him.)

Greg: Hi, Pete.

Peter: Hi.

Marcia: How do you like your new recorder?

Peter: It’s really neat. And I was just going to tell you guys, if you want to borrow it, you can borrow it any time you want.

Marcia: Thanks.

Greg: Hey, a thing like that can come in handy. I mean for schoolwork and for taking notes in class.

Peter: Yeah, but it’s kind of tricky, so you better be careful. See this button. (He points to a button on the recorder) That’s what you press when you want to record. And this button’s where you press when you want to listen to what you recorded. But don’t press that button because I already got some stuff on it. But you wouldn’t be interested in that.

(He leaves the room.)

Greg (to Marcia): Did you hear that? He’s just dying for us to listen to what he recorded.

Marcia: Should we listen?

Greg: Sure, that’s what he wants.

(He plays the recorder back and hears a message Peter recorded.0

Peter: I, Peter Brady, do hereby solemnly swear to forgive Greg and Marcia for the crummy thing they did to me. And shame on you for listening when you shouldn’t have. (He laughs.)

(Greg and Marcia laugh to each other.)

                            THE END

untitled leave discipline to us

S3 E8 And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

untitled grimy

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

Written by Albert E. Lewin

The Bradys are approached by a director at the grocery store. He casts them to star in a soap commercial, resulting in plenty of turmoil. I hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

SKIP FARNUM, director

CAMERAMAN on SKIP’S crew

MYRNA, friend of the Bradys

DELIVERY MAN who sends them boxes of soap

(The episode begins with Carol and the kids coming out of the supermarket. Bobby starts running in and out of the automatically opening doors.)

Carol: Bobby, come on.

(He catches up to the family as they head to their car while a mysterious gentlemen follows them, raising his hands up to his face while the they get suspicious.)

Greg: That guy’s been following us all over the market.

Jan: Why does he keep looking at us through his hands?

Carol: Just ignore him and let’s keep going.

(They fill the station wagon with their groceries as the guy confronts them.)

Skip: Hi, there. Oh, you are it. You are really it.

Carol: We are what?

Skip: Yeah, I’ve been working for weeks, for months. Oh, this is exactly right. The whole ball of wax. (He puts his hand sup once again) Oh, look, I’m a TV director. (He hands them a card) Here, rad this and we’ll rap.

Carol (reading): Skip Farnum Film Enterprises. Yeah, that’s my company. We make commercials.

Jan: Commercials?

Skip: Yeah, TV commercials for the big tube. Look, we want you and your kids and your husband all on TV selling our groovy product Safe, the greatest little laundry soap in the world.

Carol: Us in a TV commercial?

Skip: Yeah.

Kids: Wow, that would be so much fun.

(They all get excited as the scene fades.)

untitled commercial

(The next scene has the family coming home and joyfully sharing their good news with Alice.)

Marcia: Alice, (She hands her a bag) I’ll help in a minute. I’ve just got to tell Jane the fantastic news.

(Greg follows her in.)

Greg: Oh no you don’t, I got the phone first!

Alice: What fantastic news?

(Everybody comes in one person after another, then they run.)

Carol: Alice, you won’t believe it! It’s crazy! Wait till I tell Mike!

Alice: I’ll believe it, I’ll believe it, what?

Jan: Alice, did you hear about it?

Alice: Yeah, I heard all about it, except what it’s all about.

Peter: We’re going to be on television!

Alice: You’re going to be on television?

(Cindy comes in.)

Alice (to Cindy): Hey, you’re going to be on television?

Cindy: Yeah, we’re gonna do a commercial for a funny man who looks through his hands!

(She runs and Alice is stuck standing there with bags of groceries in her hands.)

Alice (to herself): Looks through his hands?

(The next scene has Farnum visiting Mike and Carol at the house.)

Carol: And you’re going to shoot the commercial right here in our house, Mr. Farnum?

Skip: Yeah, I got to lay on a little realism. You know, the natural look. (He hands them the contract) Read, enjoy, I got to go scan the pad.

(He walks off to investigate the rest of the house for the commercial. Mike and Carol look over the contract.)

Carol: Wow, look at the size of that contract for a 1 minute commercial.

Mike: Hmm, you’d think we were doing Gone With The Wind.

(Skip looks over the kitchen with his hands.)

Skip: Oh, groovy!

(He is about to enter the family room when Alice comes out.)

Skip: Who are you, pussycat?

Alice: Oh, uh, umm, I’m pussycat Alice.

Skip (checking her over): Oh, that face! Like real! It’s organic! Oh, you are definitely in the commercial.

Alice: Oh, that’s who you are, Mr. Farnum.

Skip (raising his hands): Yeah.

(Greg comes down the stairs to speak to Mike and Carol.)

Greg: Did Mr. Farnum go?

Carol: No, he’s around here somewhere scanning the pad.

Greg: Dad, I hate to be crass about a thing like this, but does that contract mention anything about loot?

Mike: We get paid, yes.

Greg: Out of sight. Is it a lot?

Mike: Well, uh, comnsidering the amount of work we do, um, yeah, it’s out of sight.

Greg: Wow.

(She starts to walk away.)

Mike: Wait a minute, mister. The money we make is going into all of our saving accounts.

Greg: Maybe we can have some of it now, for something a little special.

(Mike shakes his head no.)

Carol: Maybe just a little, Mike?

Mike: Well, maybe a little.

Greg (excited): Thanks, Dad!

(Next, Greg is up in his room with Peter and Bobby. He is looking at a guitar magazine.)

Greg: Gaze on that amplifier.

Peter: That must cost a bundle.

Greg: No, maybe a couple hundred dollars.

Bobby: You’re dreaming.

Greg: Nope, I am buying.

Peter: With what, you’re printing your own money?

Greg: The money we’ll get from doing the TV commercial! Dad said we can have a little of it now.

Peter: You call a couple hundred dollars a little?

Greg: A drop in the bucket! You make a fortune on a TV commercial.

Bobby: Wow! I can buy that neat electric train outfit.

Peter: I bet I can have a mini bike.

Greg: After this commercial, we’ll do another one. We’ll make thousands.

Peter: Millions.

Bobby: Maybe more.

(Meanwhile, the girls are discussing the same issue. They go into the bathroom.)

Marcia: I’m so excited about doing this commercial.

Cindy: Me too.

Jan (looking in the mirror): What’s the matter with me? I don’t have dates any more. Could it be my (Pause) breath?

(She breathes on the mirror. Marcia does the same dramatic performance in another mirror.)

Marcia: I used to have the same trouble, now I use Dazzle. It kills everything in your mouth, including your gums.

Cindy: My trouble is, my curls won’t just stand up in the rain. They get all frizzled!

Jan: Next time, try spring! (She takes a can of hair spray) It winds your curls up so tight, it lifts you right off the ground!

(Marcia picks her up and they all start giggling. Mike is in his room, looking over the contract, while Carol is laying in bed.)

Carol (dismayed): Oh, honey, aren’t you finished yet?

Mike: I tell you, I cannot make heads or tails out of this show business legal double talk. (He gets up from the chair) I think I better have our attorney check it.

Carol: All of that just to sell a little soap?

Mike (showing her the contract): Oh yeah, but not just soap honey. Safe.

Carol: Oh, a thousand pardons, sir. Next time I mention another brand, I’ll wash my mouth out with Safe.

(Mike starts to get into bed.)

Mike: Well, to tell you the truth, I don’t know how you tell all those brands apart, you women.

Carol: Well, it isn’t easy. You know, we used to use Clear and Bright until we found out it turned our water dim and dark. And that’s when we switched.

Mike: To what?

Carol: Help! (Mike laughs) Except we found out that help didn’t help. And so that’s when we turned to Champ, the Dirt Fighter.

Mike: Oh, not Champ, the dirt fighter.

(He pretends to start fighting and Carol laughs.)

Carol: Yes, but we found out that Champ couldn’t take the Brady dirt and lost the title.

Mike: And, don’t keep me in suspense.

Carol: Well, then, that’s when we switched to Best.

Mike: When did you start using safe?

Carol: Oh, I forgot, uh, right between Champ and Best.

Mike: Hold it, honey. You mean, we switched from Safe to Best?

Carol: Yeah, because Best is best.

Mike: Well, yeah, but how are we going to get up in front of millions of people and lie?

Carol: What do you mean?

Mike: Well, look, we can’t do a commercial about Safe if you’re still using Best.

Carol (confused): What, do you mean to say that all those people who do commercials really use the products?

Mike: Well, I don’t know, but I think they should. At least I think we should because otherwise it’s a fraud.

Carol: Gee, I never really thought of it like that.

Mike: You know what?

Carol: What?

Mike: I think I had better call up Mr. Farnum and tell him it’s off.

Carol: Oh, Mike! Oh, the kids are going to be so disappointed.

(Next, we see the boys in the backyard, upset about the bad news.)

Greg: It’s a bummer.

Peter: Yeah, we practically had all that money right in our hands.

Bobby: Why would I be a fraud? I don’t even use any kind of laundry soap.

Greg: That’s not the point. We’re all in the commercial. It’s like we’re all saying something that’s not true.

(He walks away and hands Peter his basketball.)

Peter (to Bobby): Get it?

Bobby: Gee, one minute we’re millionaires, the next minute we’re broke again.

(Carol and Alice are in the kitchen crushing green beans and discussing their loss.)

Carol: You know, Alice, I think we set a record for the shortest career in show business.

Alice: Yeah, for one brief moment there, I was Pussycat Alice. (The phone rings) Brady residence. Hi, Mr. Brady. Yeah, she’s right here.

(She gives the phone to Carol.)

Carol (on the phone): Hi, honey.

Mike (from the office): Carol, I just called Farnum to tell him the commercial was off.

Carol: I hope he wasn’t angry with us.

Mike: No, no, no, not at all. But he did tell me something important.

Carol: What?

Mike: We never used Safe.

Carol: Honey, we went through all this last night. I told you I did…

Mike: But not this Safe, you used the old one, this is the new, improved safe. Just came on the market last week.

Carol: New and improved?

Mike: Right, and if we never used it, maybe it is better than Best.

Carol: Then we just test them both and find out.

Mike: That’s exactly what I was thinking. Then it would be perfectly fair and honest, right?

Carol: Right, and if Safe washes better than best, we do the commercial, right?

Mike: Yeah, right.

Carol: Oh, that’s great, honey. Bye. (She hangs up) Alice, round up the kids. We got a Brady wash-a-thon coming up.

(The scene fades.)

untitled skip farnum

(The next scene has the family in the kitchen. They are preparing to test which soap is better.)

Carol: Okay, now, you all know what you’re supposed to do, right?

Kids: Right.

Carol: Well, kids, I never thought I’d be saying this to you, but I want you to go outside and get dirty. (The kids all go outside) Now, Alice, you’re the only one who will know which clothes you washed with which soap. And your lips are sealed, okay.

Alice: Oh, I am sealed.

(Greg and Peter are outside.)

Greg: Okay, Pete, let me have it.

Peter: My pleasure, sir.

(He squirts oil on Greg’s tee shirt.)

Greg (laughing): Okay, that ought to be enough. (Peter continues to squirt) Pete, that’s enough.

(Peter continues but Greg grabs the oil to squirt him but Peter runs away. Cindy and Bobby are mixing dirt and water to create mud.)

Bobby: Make it real mushy.

Cindy: I will.

(Peter rushes over.)

Peter: Okay, that looks good. Okay, remember, smush it all over each other. Okay, ready.

Bobby: Ready.

Cindy: Ready.

(They put their hands in the mud.)

Peter: 1,2,3, smush.

(They put the mud on Peter and his clothes. He does the same to them.)

(Marcia and Jan are using jars of paint.)

Marcia: Are you ready?

Jan: Ready.

Marcia: on your mark.

Jan: Get set.

Marcia: Go.

(They start putting paint on each other.)

(Next, Mike comes home form work and greets carol in the kitchen.)

Carol: Oh, hi, honey. (They kiss) You’re just in time for the judging.

Mike: Hmm.

Carol: On the left is pile A, and on the right is Pile B. Which one do you think is the cleanest?

Mike: Well.

(They check both piles and reach a decision.)

Mike: Well, uh.

Carol: Well?

Mike: I’d say Pile A.

Carol: Well, then, that makes it unanimous. I’d go for Pile A.

Mike: Well, Alice, which soap is Safe? A or B?

Alice: The winner is, the envelope please (the kids hand her an envelope) The winner is (looking at the envelope) well, it says pile A, but I can’t remember whether pile A is Best or Safe.

Carol: Oh, no.

Mike: What are we gonna do about it?

Alice: Oh, no problem, Mr. Brady. Kids, put your old clothes back on and dirty up again.

(Next, we have the kids’ laundry in two separate piles again.

Mike: Well, this time I’d say Pile B.

Carol: Pile B.

Alice: Unanimous again.  (She opens up another envelope) Okay, the winner is (Pause) Pile B is safe.

Carol (excited): Then we do the commercial!

(All the kids cheer.)

Alice (shouting): Tv, here we come!

(The next scene has Mie and Carol at the dining room table discussing the contract with Skip Farnum.)

Mike: There you are, Mr. Farnum. We’re all signed, sealed and delivered.

Skip: Out of sight.

(A crewman comes to tell Skip everything is set.)

Crewman: Everything checks out, Skip. No problems, easy to light.

Skip: Crazy. (to Mike and Carol) Okay, you folks study your script. We’re gonna be here bright and early Saturday morning to grind the cameras. (to the crewman) come on, man, let’s split.

(He and the crewman discuss some other things but Mike and Carol stop them.)

Carol: Mr. Farnum, excuse me. Uh, do you think we might get a chance to rehearse the script?

Mike: Yeah, because, you know, we never done this before.

Skip (to the crewman): Hey, come on, cool it, man. (to Mike and Carol) Listen, don’t worry about a thing. You just learn those lines and leave the rehearsing to me. Chow.

Crewman: Right this way, Skip.

Skip: Yeah, cool.

(He and the crewman leave. They are outside.)

Crewman: Hey, that no rehearsal bit is just great. You really got it up here, Skip. (pointing to his brain)

Skip: Man, I got it everywhere.

Crewman: And it’s a real natural family, too.

Skip: Cool, and that’s the way they’re gonna stay, too.

(Next, Mike and Carol go over the script in the living room.)

Mike: I’m getting cold feet.

Carol: Cold feet?

Mike: Yeah. Have you read this thing? That’s not going to be easy doing all this that we’re supposed to be doing.

Carol: You mean holding up a box of soap?

Mike: No, I mean holding it up and not looking like we’re (Pause) stupid.

Carol: I wonder.

Mike: What?

Carol: You know Laura’s cousin is an actress, Myrna Carter?

Mike: Yeah, Myrna.

Carol: No, she calls herself (pronounced Meerna).

Mike: Oh.

Carol: Well, she’s not important or anything like that, but, why couldn’t we call her and ask her for a few tips.

Mike (putting his finger up): Great! (He grabs the phone and hands it to her) Call her. Come on, call her.

(The next scene has Myrna over giving them some acting lessons, while Mike and Carol rehearse their lines in the family room.)

Mike: Hi, honey, here’s that box of Safe you wanted from the market.

Carol: Thanks dear, and just in time. I was down to that last cupful of Safe.

Mike: So was the market. Safe really outsells all other brands.

Carol: That’s because Safe cleans all things better always. I just couldn’t do without safe. It’s the only brand I feel safe with.

(Myrna has a little laugh, then she makes a statement.)

Myrna: No, no. Kids, I’m sorry, but it’s all wrong.

Carol: Oh, Myrna, I’m so glad I called you. Would you please tell us what to do?

Mike: Yeah, what’s wrong?

Myrna: Well, you know, you’re just reading it. No one’s going to believe it, you know what I mean? Um, you’re not motivated.

Mike: Motivated?

Myrna: yeah.

Mike: How do you mean?

Myrna: Uh, well, I mean, Like what’s your attitude when you say your lines? What are you thinking? How do you, how do you feel? You know about what you’re saying.

Carol: I never thought of all thta.

Mike: I didn’t either. That’s important?

Myrna: Important? Oh, wow, like, motivation is everything. I mean, it’s what gives the meaning and the emotion of acting, you know?

Carol: Could we try it again?

Myrna: Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure. (She takes Mike by the arm) What you’re saying. Michael, Michael, uh, Michael, you think about it this way. You think about all the guys at your office and how they’ve been telling you how great your shirts look. Mike, how clean. and that makes you proud, Mike, how proud, because you know it’s because of Safe. You see, Mike, that’s the motivation like the attitude, right?

Mike: Yeah, right, yeah.

Myrna: Okay, okay, so you think about being at the office.

Mike: Yeah, yeah.

Myrna: And Carol, Carol, you’re thinking, you’re thinking, wow, he brought me a box of that stuff. And that makes you happy because your husband is proud of the way you wash his shirts. You see?

Carol: Okay, I’ll try.

Myrna: Good, good, good. And remember, lots of energy. Keep it up there. Because acting is bigger than life.

Mike: Listen, Myrna. (She and Carol pronounce it as Meerna) I don’t think I can do this.

Myrna: Oh, no, no, no, you’re doing fine. You’re getting it, you really are. Hey Mike, Mike, the seed is there. all you have to do is let it grow, you know? Let it grow, right? Okay, now let’s try it again. And remember, up there, energy and bigger than life, okay?

(Alice hears from the kitchen.)

Mike: Okay.

Myrna: Come on.

(Mike repeats the line with more energy.)

Mike: Hi honey, here’s that box of Safe you wanted from the office, at the market.

Carol (loudly): Thanks, dear, and just in time! I was down to my last cupful of Safe!

Mike: So was the market. Boy, it really outsells all other brands.

(They kiss.)

Myrna (excited): Good, good, good, that’s really good. Only a little bit bigger, though. Because you gotta, gotta grab that audience. You know what I mean?

Mike: Bigger.

Myrna: Yes. One more time now.

Carol: Okay.

Mike: Give me my safe. 9Carol gives him the box as he repeats his line and Alice hears from the kitchen.)

Alice: Hmm, motivation, huh. Bigger than life, hmm? I think I’m going to try some of that myself.

(The next day, Skip, his cameraman and the rest of his crew are over at the house, ready to shoot the commercial.)

Skip (to the crewman): Parents, kids, housekeeper.

Crewman: Housekeeper, yeah.

Skip: In that order. Parents, kids, housekeeper. Groovy, okay, good. (He goes over to Mike and Carol, who are entering the kitchen) Okay, now go team. I want you to listen to what I’m laying down. Now, love (Carol), you’re over there at the counter, see, and you’re making with the greenery. (to Mike) Then pops, you come flipping in, and you lay this box of flakes on the little lady, and then you have a rap session, and then we cut. Dig?

Mike: I think so.

Skip: Groovy.

Carol: Excuse me, Mr. Farnum, but, when do we get to rehearse?

Skip: Oh, we’re not going to rehearse. Oh, don’t worry. Now trust me, pussycat, it’s just going to be great. Just going to be great. (He moves her to the stove) Now just trust me. Groovy, groovy. (to Mike) Oh, my rock. (to the crew) Come on, let’s make film. (He goes over to the camera) Let me check the shot. (The camera shows Mike holdng the box of safe. He adjusts it from upside down to right side up.) Yeah, groovy. Okay, let’s crack one up. (He lets the cameraman back in there) Okay kids, right in there. Rolling. Speed. Action.

(Mike comes in and says his lines.)

Mike: Hi, honey, here’s that box of safe you wanted from the market.

Carol: And just in time. I was down to my last cupful of Safe.

(They kiss.)

Skip: Cut! Stop, stop! What was that? I mean, where’s that Mrs. America that I dug in the parking lot? and you, pops, my rock. Man, you look like you flew in from a feather factory.

Mike: I was motivating. I was thinking of the boys in the office.

Skip: What boys in the office?

Mike: The ones who keep telling me how clean my shirts are.

Carol: Yeah, and I was thinking, wow, he brought me a box of that stuff.

Skip: Oh, you’re putting me on, right?

Mike: Well, I was working on an attitude.

Carol: Me too.

Skip: Attitude? Well I’ll give you an attitude, relax. Look. come in here for one minute, will you? Just go in there (the living room) and cool it, all right. Now just unwind, just sit down and unwind, and I’ll get back to you in a minute. (He gives a frustrated look and goes back to the crew) Hey, man, are the kids ready?

Crewman: The kids are ready, Skip.

Skip: All right, let’s move it, now. In a hurry. Are the kids ready?

(The kids shout that they’re ready.)

Skip: All right, let’s move it. (to the crewman) What happens when you put a camera on a bunch of squares? They flip out.

Crewman: Just cool it. It’s going to be fine.

Skip: Yeah, okay, okay, Okay, great, great. Okay kids, be ready now. All right, rolling! Speed! Action!

(The kids all come out in their dirty, grimy clothes. Skip checks each one of them over.)

Skip: Cut, cut, cut! Kids! What’s with all this dirt?

Greg: We were supposed to be out playing, Mr. Farnum.

Skip: In a swamp?

Marcia: Well, we made ourselves extra dirty on purpose.

Peter: Yeah, because we know Safe cleans anything.

Bobby: We were motivated.

Skip (upset): Motivated? Oh, man. (He looks up) Nobody up there digs me. (to the kids) Come on, out, out. Get out now, now. Get yourself cleaned up. Now dirty, okay, but blech, no. Out, come on, come on, come on. Let’s go, let’s go, out. (He pushes them out the kitchen door.) Hey, man, the housekeeper. Is the housekeeper ready?

Crewman: Housekeeper’s ready, Skip.

Skip: All right, let’s move it back. Come on, move it. Is the housekeeper ready? Come on, let’s go, let’s go. It’s costing bread. Don’t you understand? Okay, all right, okay, okay, okay, okay. All right housekeeper. Be ready, now, be ready.

Alice (calling from the other room): Ready.

Skip: Rolling, speed, action.

(Alice comes out of the next room with make-up, a new hairdo and a party dress. She is carrying a bunch of clean towels and sheets.)

Skip (upset): Oh, no, no, cut, stop.

(He comes up to Alice.)

Alice: Did I do something wrong?

Skip: What was that? The dance of the good fairy? And what’s with that spaghetti?

Alice: look, I was motivating.

Skip (angry): Motivating!

Alice: Well, I figured that Safe washed clothes so fast I had time to go to the beauty parlor.

(Skip goes into an angry fit.)

Skip: Okay, now I’m motivating. Everybody, everybody, come in here, please. Everybody come in here. (The kids and Mike and Carol come in) I want you all to know this whole gig is off. Kaput. I mean, this whole thing is a washout. (The family gives disappointing looks) My nice, natural family is just a bunch of ding-a-lings.

Mike: We were only trying to be helpful, Mr. Farnum. We took some acting lessons.

Carol: We just wanted to be bigger than life.

Skip: Yeah, well, you’ll be bigger, but not in in my life. Now, come on, get out. Out of my house, all of you.

Mike: This is my house.

Skip: Hmm, oh, come on, man, let’s split. Wrap it up. (He and his start to leave but they stop as he speaks to him) Hey, wait a minute. You know, this whole scene reminds me of that horrible actress we worked with.

Crewman: Myrna Carter.

Skip: That’s the nut, Myrna Carter.

Crewman: No, Myrna (pronouncing as Meerna).

Skip: Meerna, Myrna, I don’t care. She blew my mind back there.

(They leave the house as the scene fades.)

untitled myrna

(The final scene comes with Carol and Alice on the patio. Alice is gardening while Carol reads a letter.)

Carol: Alice, would you come here a minute, please? I still don’t understand this special delivery letter I got.

Alice: It must be quite a letter, I think you’ve read it at least six times this morning.

Carol: Well, would you sit down and listen to this? (Alice sits) In compliance with our contractual agreement, Skip Farnum Film Enterprises will meet its obligation of payment. As to manner of payment, We refer you to Section 12, Article C, Paragraph 42 of Contract. Now, what do you suppose that means by manner of payment?

Alice: Sorry, Hungarian goulash I understand, legal goulash I don’t.

Carol: Well, I guess we’ll just have to wait for Mr. Brady to get home. Maybe he’ll know.

(Suddenly, a delivery truck shows up.)

Carol: What in the world?

Deliveryman: One of you, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: I’m Mrs. Brady.

Deliveryman: I have a delivery for you.

Carol: I don’t remember ordering anything.

Alice: Maybe Mr. Brady did.

(They walk over to the truck.)

Carol: Excuse me.

Deliveryman: Sign here.

(He hands her a pad with a paper to sign.)

Carol: What am I signing for?

Deliveryman: (bringing order down): It’s from Farnum Film Enterprises. Safe laundry soap.

Alice (laughing): Guess what they meant by manner of payment.

Carol: 48 boxes of soap?

Deliveryman: Down, Harry. (to Carol) 48 boxes? Lady, you got 2,000 boxes coming. (He brings it over to the house) Where do you want them?

(Carol looks morosely at all the boxes in the truck.)

Alice: Where do you want them, lady?

Carol: Oh, Alice.

(She tries to ponder what to do with it all and the scene fades.)

THE END

images boxes and boxes of safe

S3 E7 Juliet Is The Sun

untitled juliet

Juliet Is The Sun

Written by Brad Radnitz

Marcia gets the lead in the school play of Romeo and Juliet. She changes from feelings of self-doubt to a major attitude. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

HAROLD AXELROD, boy who plays Romeo

MISS GOODWIN, teacher conducting the play

(The episode begins with Peter and Jan coming home from school on their bikes. They run into the house, screaming for their mother.)

Peter: Mom!

Jan: Mom, Mom, we’re in the school play.

Peter: We’re in the school play, Romeo and Juliet.

Carol (pleased): Oh, that’s terrific.

Alice: What parts did you get?

Peter: Palace guards. I say hark.

Jan: And I say who goes there.

Alice: Hey, they know their lines already.

Carol: How did Marcia do?

Peter: She tried out for the part of the nurse.

Marcia: And she was great.

Peter: But Miss Goodwin hasn’t made up her mind about the big parts yet.

Jan: I hope she gets to be the nurse, then we can all be in the play.

Carol: How about that? First the Barrymores, now the Bradys.

(The phone rings.)

Carol: I’ll get it, Alice. (She answers) Hello. Oh, hello, Ms. Goodwin. Yes, Peter and Jan were just telling me the good news. Yeah, oh, yeah, I think Harold Axelrod will make a great Romeo. Marcia? (She gets excited) Really? Well, of course I’ll tell her, Ms. Goodwin. Oh, thank you so much for calling, good-bye. (She hangs up)

Alice: What about Marcia?

Carol (excited): She got the part of Juliet!

Jan: Juliet? Wow!

Peter: She didn’t even try out for that part!

Jan: That’s the starring role! (She runs) Marcia, Marcia, come here quick!

Carol: Isn’t it a wonderful surprise?

Alice: She’ll be thrilled right out of her sneakers.

(Marcia comes in.)

Marcia: What is it? What’s all the excitement?

Carol: Marcia, Ms. Goodwin just called. You got the part of Juliet.

Marcia: Juliet? But I tried out for the nurse.

Alice: But you got the starring part.

Carol: Isn’t that marvelous?

Marcia: I think that’s awful.

(Marcia leaves the kitchen and everyone else in confusion. The scene fades.)

untitled noble and beautiful

(Marcia is in her room and Mike and Carol knock on the door.)

Marcia: Come in.

Mike (coming in with Carol): Hi, honey.

Marcia: Hi.

Mike: I heard you got the part of Juliet, and I also heard you don’t want it.

Marcia: That’s right.

Mike: Mind if I ask why?

Marcia: I just don’t think I should play the part, that’s all.

Mike: Why?

Marcia: I didn’t even try out for that part.

Carol: But the most important thing is Marcia is that Ms. Goodwin thinks you’re the best one for it.

Marcia (bitterly): And I know why, because you’re the chairman of the play committee.

(She moves from her bed to standing near her desk.)

Carol: Look, Marcia, I volunteered to be the chairman because I wanted your school to present a good play. I didn’t want to help you get a good part.

Mike: Marcia, Ms. Goodwin isn’t going to miscast the leading role in the play just to please your mother.

Marcia: Then why would she give me the part? Juliet is supposed to be beautiful and noble, and I’m not anything like that.

Carol: Marcia, that’s nonsense. You’re a beautiful girl. And besides that, you’re a very good actress.

Marcia: You have to say that, you’re my mother.

Mike: I say it, and I’m not your mother. Come on, you look beautiful and noble to me.

Carol: The trouble is, you don’t think you are.

Mike: That’s right. It’s your belief in yourself that counts, you know. You are what you think you are.

Marcia: You mean, if I think I’m beautiful and noble, then I will be beautiful and noble?

Mike: That’s right, if you believe it, everybody else will believe it, too.

Carol: Think about it, Marcia. And you can give your answer to Ms. Goodwin in the morning. Okay?

(They leave the room. Marcia sits down and goes to the mirror, then she closes her eyes.)

Marcia: Marcia Brady, you’re noble and beautiful. (She opens her eyes) Baloney.

(Greg is downstairs having a glass of milk and speaking to Alice.)

Greg: Alice, did you ever do any acting while you were in school?

Alice: Did I ever do any acting? You know, I played the title role in our senior class play. Critics said it was the most unusual performance part they’ve ever seen.

Greg: What part was it?

Alice: Julius Caesar. It was an all-girl school.

Greg (laughing): Looks like an all-boy school doing Little Women.

(Alice sits down to a glass of milk with Greg.)

Alice: Oh yeah, yeah. Oh, it was a lot of fun, though. Marcia’s gonna be missing an awful lot if she’s not in the school play.

Greg: I don’t get what her problem is, she’d make a great Juliet.

Alice: I know exactly what her problem is.

Greg: What?

(Peter, Bobby and Jan are putting a jigsaw puzzle together on the floor and overhear Alice.)

Alice: It’s psychological. It’s a mental block, caused by her lack of confidence in herself.

Greg: Wow, that’s really deep. How did you figure that out?

Alice: Your mom and dad told me.

(Greg laughs.)

Greg: I just don’t get it. I mean, Marcia’s really a very groovy girl.

Alice: Well, you know she’s groovy, and I know she’s groovy. But she doesn’t know she’s groovy.

(The younger kids are still listening.)

Greg: It’s weird she can’t see herself as others see her.

Alice: I know one way that might open her eyes.

Greg: What?

Alice: A few words from your mouth to her ear. If you tell her what you think she might begin to believe it herself.

(The next scene has Marcia in the bathroom washing her face when Bobby and Cindy come in to see her.)

Marcia: I’m not through, yet. (they stand there and stare at her. She turns around.) Well.

Bobby: You sure look pretty, Marcia.

Cindy: And groovy too.

(They leave and Marcia turns around to look in the mirror.)

Marcia: They’re out of their minds.

(Next, Marcia is on her bed doing homework and Peter and Jan come to see her.)

Peter: Marcia, can we have a little help?

Jan: We’re having trouble with our lines for the play.

Marcia: Sure, what’s the problem?

Jan: Well, Peter’s got hark down pretty good, but I’m having trouble with my line.

Marcia: Well, let’s hear you say it.

Jan: Well, that’s just it. I don’t know quite how to say it. Should I say, who goes there, who goes there or who goes there? See what I mean?

Marcia: Just say it plain. Who goes there.

Peter (pleased): Hey, that’s it!

Jan: Oh, gee, thanks Marcia, you’re a terrific actress.

Peter: Come on, let’s practice before we forget how she said it.

Jan: Yeah, okay.

Peter: Hark.

Jan: Who goes there? Is that right?

Marcia: Yeah.

Jan: Oh, gee, thanks, you’re a terrific actress.

(They leave.)

Marcia (to herself): Terrific actress?

(Greg comes in from the bathroom.)

Greg: You got a minute, Marcia?

Marcia: Sure, what do you want?

Greg (sitting down with her): Do you know of a guy named Lloyd Leeds?

Marcia: No, I don’t think so.

Greg: Well, he sure knows you.

Marcia: He does?

Greg: Yeah, he’s in my English class. He wants to meet you.

Marcia: Me, why?

Greg: Obviously he thinks you’re a really groovy chick.

Marcia (excited): A high school boy really thinks I’m groovy?

Greg: A lot of people think you’re groovy.

Marcia: Honest?

Greg: I even think you’re groovy. For a sister, that is.

(He gets up and leaves.)

Marcia: Thanks, Greg.

(She smiles and returns to her homework. Then she gets up and goes to the mirror, while all the things her family said go through her mind.)

(Next, she is downstairs getting ready to leave for school. She is in a much chipper mood.)

Marcia (to Alice and Carol): Good morning.

Carol: Oh, good morning, honey.

(She kisses her good morning and hands her a glass of orange juice.)

Marcia: It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it.

Alice: Lovely.

Marcia: Mom, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since last night.

Carol: And?

Marcia: Well, I never thought I was the Juliet type, but everybody else thinks I am.

Carol: Well, you are.

Alice (dramatically): Right, a rose by any other name (back to her normal voice) is still 10 bucks a dozen.

Marcia: I think I can do it. I’m going to be Juliet.

Carol: Oh, Marcia, I’m so glad. And your father is going to be so happy.

Marcia: You know, he said you are what you think you are. So from now on, I’m beautiful and noble. I’m Juliet.

(She energetically runs out of the kitchen, while Bobby passes by her.)

Bobby: Wow, what was that?

Carol: That was the power of positive thinking.

(Next, Jan and Peter are rehearsing their lines in the living rooms.)

Peter: Hark!

Jan: Who goes there?

Peter: Well, what do you think?

Jan: Not bad, I guess.

Peter: I think we should do it meaner.

Jan: Yeah, let’s do it again only meaner.

(Mike walks in and they repeat their lines.)

Mike: It’s I, your father, I bring secret documents to the Brady house.

Peter: How do we sound, Dad?

Jan: Are we fierce enough?

Mike: Gosh, I thought for sure I was a goner there. (He puts his briefcase down on the chair) Where’s your mama?

Jan: She’s in the kitchen.

Mike: Okay, troops, carry on the good work.

(He heads to the kitchen.)

Peter: Hark!

Jan: Who goes there?

(Mike finds Carol in the kitchen watching Marcia rehearse with Harold, who was cast as Romeo.)

Mike: Hi, honey. (She shushes him) Home from work early but you don’t have to keep it a secret. (She shushes him again) Why are we whispering?

Carol: Because Marcia and Harold Axelrod are rehearsing their lines.

Mike: Who’s Harold Axelrod?

Carol (annoyed): Romeo.

(He goes closer and watches them.)

Mike (to Carol): Romeo wears glasses?

(They rehearse a few more lines and Marcia reminds him of something.)

Marcia: It says you’re supposed to kiss Juliet.

(Harold checks it on the script, then balks.)

Harold: Uh, I got to go now, Marcia. But thanks, a lot, you were super.

Marcia (in dramatic tone): Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night, till it be morrow.

(She puts her hand up for Harold to kiss it.)

Harold (shaking her hand): You’re really great.

Marcia: I am?

Harold: You really are Juliet.

(Mike and Carol look from the kitchen in delight. Next, Marcia is in the bathroom. She is combing her hair in the mirror.)

Marcia: You are Juliet. You’re noble and beautiful.

Jan (shouting from outside): You’re also hogging the bathroom!

(She and Cindy are banging on the door, as are Peter and Bobby, asking her to let them use it. Greg comes in the room.)

Greg: Hey, hey, hey, hey. What’s all the noise.

Bobby (angry): Juliet won’t let us in!

Peter: She thinks it’s her private buff.

Greg: Ah, she’s getting worse and worse since we told her she was noble and beautiful. (She knocks on the door) Come on, Marcia, some of us peasants want to get in here.

Marcia (opening the door): Greg, I agree.

Greg: That you’re hogging the bathroom?

Marcia: No, that you’re peasants.

(Next, the girls are in their bedroom.)

Marcia: I need more closet space, children.

(Jan is helping Cindy with her homework and Marcia moves their clothes to give herself more space.)

Jan: Marcia, what are you doing to my dresses? They’re all smushed up!

Cindy: Mine are even smushier.

Marcia: There’s no such word as smush. Besides, mine have to look perfect.

Jan: What’s so special about your dresses?

Marcia: Everywhere I go at school, people are always looking at me, I’m Juliet.

Jan: Well I’m in the play too, you know.

Marcia: Just one line. It’s different with me, I’m the star.

Jan: Well la di da.

Cindy: What does that mean?

Jan: It mans that Marcia’s getting to be a pain in the neck. (Cindy repeats her) You’re not gonna go around messing up my dresses, Marcia.

(They all get into a big argument and Mike and Carol come in.)

Mike: Hey!

Carol: Girls!

Mike: What’s all the commotion about?

Cindy: Marcia’s trying to hog up the closet.

Jan: And not only that, we can’t even talk around here. We have to be quiet so the star can study her lines.

Marcia: I am the star.

(Jan and Cindy yell at her and it leads to another argument.)

Carol: Girls, girls, you’re supposed to be loving sisters, remember.

Marcia: I can’t help it if I have to practice my lines. Everybody wanted me to be in the play.

Carol: That’s right, Marcia.

Mike: But you’re not the first lady of the American Theater. Now listen, girls, being the lead in the play is a strain. Can’t you co-operate with Marcia?

Carol: Now, come on and behave, okay.

(They leave the room and Marcia gloats.)

Marcia: I think I better rehearse my lines now. You and Cindy study in the family room.

(Jan and Cindy stop at the boys’ room.)

Jan: I just thought I’d tell you not to breathe too loud. Her majesty is rehearsing her lines.

Greg: Oh, no, she’s really getting to be too much.

Bobby: Yeah, we can’t even get in the bathroom till 3 o’clock in the morning.

Peter: It sure was a swell idea convincing Marcia how great she was.

Jan: Yeah, what have we done?

Greg: I’ll tell you what we’ve done, we created a small, blonde Frankenstein.

Bobby: Yeah, my sister, the monster.

(He makes a funny impression of a monster as the scene fades.)

untitled marcia and harold

(The next scene has Carol on the phone with a Mr. Schultz.)

Carol: Well, the school really appreciates it, Mr. Schultz. Mmm hmm. Well, let’s see (she looks in the newspaper) your ad will appear on page three in the play program. Yes, Romeo and Juliet. Thank you very much, we really appreciate it, Mr. Schultz. Bye. (She hangs up the phone) Well (to Alice) that’s another ad from the play program from Schultz’s delicatessen.

Alice: What a combination, Shakespherian salami.

(Peter comes in.)

Peter: Mom, where’s Marcia? She’s supposed to help me clean up the garage.

Carol: Well, I think she’s upstairs in her room. Why don’t you go up and remind her.

Peter (making hand gestures): Hark, who goes there?

(He goes upstairs.)

Carol (to Alice): Hark, what was that?

(They laugh. Peter finds Marcia in her bedroom combing her hair.)

Peter: Are you brushing your hair again?

Marcia: I have to brush it 100 times, three times a day. That’s what makes it beautiful.

Peter: You’re gonna brush it right off your head.

Marcia: Is that what you came in to tell me?

Peter: No, I want to remind your of your share of the work around here.

Marcia: Me?

Peter: Yeah, you. You’re supposed to help me clean out the garage.

Marcia: Do I have to remind you that I’m the star of the school play. Juliet wouldn’t do such menial labor.

Peter: Oh boy, Marcia, your head has gotten so big, I don’t think there’s even room for us in the same garage.

(He leaves the room. Next, Marcia is rehearsing with Harold while the other kids make fun of her.)

Marcia (in dramatic tone): Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo. Deny thy father and refuse thy name. Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I’ll no longer be a Capulet.

Harold: Shall I hear more? Or shall I speak of this?

(Jan and Cindy are standing at the door to the kitchen, while Greg and Bobby are over at the window.)

Jan (to Cindy): It’s a wonder she lets him speak at all.

Marcia: Ignore them, Harold. (back to rehearsal) Tis but my name that is my enemy. (Bobby mimics her line. She closes the curtains on him.) These kids have no regard for Shakespeare. (to Bobby) Pardon me with such sweet sorrow.  (She then goes to Jan and Cindy) And you two stay out of here too. We need to rehearse, alone. (She shuts the door) Okay, let’s take it from is it thy hand. (She goes back to rehearsal) Is it thy hand, thy foot, thy arm, thy face.

Harold: I take thee thy word, call me but love…

Marcia: No, say it like this (more dramatic) Call thee but love.

Harold: Well, okay, call thee but love…

Marcia: No, Harold, that’s not the way I said to do it.

Harold: Well Marcia, don’t you think it’s better if you do your part your way and let me  do mine my way?

Marcia (angry): Not if it’s gonna ruin the play!

Harold: Gee, I don’t think I’m ruining the play.

Marcia: You will if you do Romeo like that.

(She starts to walk out.)

Harold: Where are you going?

Marcia: You’re acting like a child and I refuse to rehearse with a child!

Harold: I’m gonna be 15! That’s the same age as the real Romeo was.

Marcia: That Romeo was mature. I’m gonna rehearse with a mature Romeo.

(She leaves and Harold is left with an upset look on his face. We next see Marcia at the staircase, rehearsing with Mike and Carol.)

Marcia (dramatically): Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo. Deny thy father and forgive his name.

Carol: Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

Marcia: Deny thy father and refuse thy name. Or if  not, I’ll forget that I’m a Capulet.

Mike (laughing): Wait a minute, honey. You’re forgetting I’ll no longer be a Capulet.

Carol: And the line is, Marcia, or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I’ll no longer be a Capulet.

Marcia (abruptly): What’s the difference?

Mike: Well, you’re changing a lot of words, Marcia.

Marcia: I just don’t feel right saying them the other way.

Carol: But if you change the words, you also change the meaning.

Marcia: I have to say them word for word?

Mike: I think it would be a little difficult to improve on Shakespeare, don’t you?

Marcia: But what’s more important than the feeling and the instinct of an actress?

Carol: Honey, even the greatest actresses in the world doesn’t change Shakespeare.

Marcia: Well, I’m going to.

Mike (firmly): Now, wait a second, Marcia. You’re being a little silly about this. Now you’re being carried away.

Marcia (bitterly): You don’t understand about acting, and Harold doesn’t either. That’s why I refused to rehearse with him.

Carol: Is that why he left so early?

Marcia: I wish he would leave the play, we could use another Romeo. Well, I guess I had enough rehearsal tonight.

(She goes to her room.)

Carol (to Mike): You can judge an actress by her temperament, but I think she’s about ready for an Oscar.

Mike: First the part was a little too big for her, now I think, maybe, she’s a little too big for the part.

(The next scene has Marcia at school rehearsing with the rest of the cast.)

Ms. Goodwin: All right, children, places please. now when I say curtains, all the guests will come on. All right.? ready, and, curtains.

(The kids come out and take their places. Harold and Marcia start rehearsing.)

Harold: Please, Juliet, move not. (He walks toward her) While the prayers defect I take, thus from my lips, by thine,  my sin is purged.

(She gives him her hand for him to kiss, but his hat falls off when he takes it.)

Marcia (annoyed): Harold, you’re so clumsy!

Harold (looking for his hat): I can’t help it, my mask is in the way.

Ms. Goodwin: Harold, do you think you can do the scene without your glasses.

Harold: If I do, Ms. Goodwin, I may never find Juliet.

Ms. Goodwin: Well, let’s try it anyway. (Marcia walks away while Harold hands Ms. Goodwin his glasses) Okay Harold, let’s go back to have not saint.

(Carol arrives and is looking on behind the curtain.)

Harold: Have not saints lips and holy palmers too.

Marcia (from the balcony): I, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.

Harold: Where did she go?

Ms. Goodwin: Marcia, what are you dong up there? We didn’t stage it that way.

Marcia: I just felt like moving.

Ms. Goodwin: We staged this play very carefully, Marcia. Now it’s not fair to the others to do something unexpected.

Marcia: Ms. Goodwin, I’m only trying to improve the play. Is it wrong to try to improve it?

Ms. Goodwin: Well, get down from here anyway. (Marcia angrily gets down from the balcony) harold, Harold, now go back again to have not saints lips.

Harold: Have not saints lips. (Marcia goes back to her original position but Harold’s back is to her) Have not saints lips and holy palmers too. (Marcia motions him to her direction) Oh, there you are.

Marcia: Saints do not move thou grant for prayers sake.

Ms. Goodwin: You skipped a line, Marcia.

Marcia: I’m sorry, Ms. Goodwin, but with all these distractions, it’s hard to concentrate.

Harold (whining): What did I do now, Marcia?

Marcia (petulantly): If you could keep your voice from squeaking it would be a help.

Harold: I quit squeaking last year.

Ms. Goodwin: All right, children. Marcia, I don’t think you should blame Harold for your own mistakes.

Marcia: Yes, Ms. Goodwin.

Ms. Goodwin: That’s enough rehearsal for today.

(Marcia, Harold and the other kids leave. Carol, who heard the entire scene from behind the curtain, approaches Ms. Goodwin.)

Carol: Ms. Goodwin.

Ms. Goodwin: Oh, hello, Mrs. Brady, I didn’t know you were here.

Carol: I just came by to show you the final layouts of the program, but, I can see you have a much bigger problem.

Ms. Goodwin: I’m afraid so.

Carol: Well, my husband and I have tried to reason with Marcia but…

Ms. Goodwin: Oh, she can do the part just fine if only she…

Carol: If only she didn’t think she was junior high’s answer to Sarah Bernhardt.

Ms. Goodwin: And we don’t have much time. There are only a few more rehearsals before the play goes on.

Carol: Well, I, think we have to do something about it, Ms. Goodwin. Let’s hope it’s the right thing.

(Next, Marcia is in her room combing her hair when Carol comes in to speak to her.)

Carol: Marcia.

Marcia: Yes, Mother.

Carol: I, sent the final program to the printers this afternoon.

Marcia: I wish Harold’s name wasn’t in it, he was awful at rehearsal today.

Carol: Well Marcia, I’m afraid your name is not going to be in it.

Marcia: What do you mean?

Carol: I was at the rehearsal this afternoon.

Marcia: You were?

Carol: Afterwards Mrs. Goodwin and I talked, and, we decided that for the good of the play, and for your own good, she would have to replace you.

Marcia: Replace me?

Carol: Yes, your understudy is gonna replace you.

Marcia (upset): Tina, but I’m better than her.

Carol: Marcia, it has nothing to do with you being better than her. It’s your attitude.

Marcia: What do you mean my attitude?

Carol: Well, you’ve become rude to your friends and family, you’ve become impossible to live with.

Marcia (flustered): Mom, you’re being unfair.

Carol: Marcia, I’m not blaming you. It’s not all your fault. We encouraged you, but, you let it go to your head.

Marcia (on the verge of tears): You don’t understand, Mom.

Carol: Marcia, I do understand, but you brought all of this on yourself. I’m sorry.

(She leaves the room)

Marcia: Mom!

(Marcia starts crying. Next, Carol and Alice are helping Jan and Peter with their costumes for the play.)

Alice (to Peter): Yeah, that’s gonna do it.

Peter: Thanks, Alice.

Carol: Now listen, you kids hang these up carefully. You hear?

Jan: We will, thanks, Mom. Thanks for fixing it.

Peter: Hark!

Jan: Who goes there?

(They repeat themselves and run out of the family room. Mike comes in.)

Mike: Marcia change her mind about some food?

Carol: No, dear. And I can’t blame her for not being hungry.

(The phone rings. Mike answers.)

Mike: Hello. Yes. Yes, just a second. (to Carol) Honey, it’s for you, it’s Ms. Goodwin.

Carol: Well, I hope she’s got some good news. We can sure use some around here. (She gets up and goes to the phone) Hello Ms. Goodwin. Oh, that’s a shame. Gee, I’m sorry but I already sent the program to the printers. If I think of someone I’ll call you right away, sure. Bye. (to Mike and Alice) Lady Capulet has the mumps, she can’t play the part.

Mike: Hope she doesn’t give it to the whole town of Verona.

Alice: If she does it will be the lumpiest cast in history.

Carol: Well, I just hope it’s not too late to get someone else for the part.

(Marcia appears.)

Marcia: Mom. Do you think they’ll let me do it? (Pause) I’ll learn the lines real fast, word for word, and I won’t cause any trouble, I promise.

(The adults ponder before Carol gives an naswer.)

Carol: Well, it’s a very small part and not very glamorous. You’d be playing the part of Juliet’s mother.

Marcia: That’s okay.

Carol: Welcome back to the play, honey.

(She gives her a hug.)

Alice: Well, let’s hear it for Lady Capulet.

(They clap and the scene fades.)

untitled causing trouble

(The final scene has the family coming home from the play. Carol and Mike send the kids upstairs to bed.)

Alice (to Carol): Oh, I really enjoyed that.

Carol: I’m so proud, I tell you.

Alice: Romeo and Juliet is such a sad play.

Carol: Yeah.

Mike: It’s no musical comedy.

Carol: Alice, which part do you think was the saddest?

Alice: Well, the part where Romeo died is sad. The part where Juliet died was sad, too. (She sighs) But I think the saddest part of all was when Jan said who goes there before Peter said hark.

(Carol and Mike and go upstairs. Alice goes to her room.)

Carol: Good night, Alice. See you in the morning.

images hark who goes there

                                      THE END

 

 

S3 E6 The Personality Kid

untitled octopus

The Personality Kid

Written by Ben Starr

Peter is convinced he has no personality. I hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

KATHY, Marcia’s friend

KYLE, girl at Peter’s party

JUDY, another girl at party

SUSIE, another girl at party

BOYS at party

(The episode begins with Peter outside, coming home from a party. Bobby and Cindy are in the kitchen with Mike and Carol, learning about safety infractions. They show them some plugs they put in the outlet.)

Bobby: See, it’s one of these.

Mike: Boy, it sure is.

Cindy: It’s called an octopus.

Bobby: See why?

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: It certainly looks like an octopus.

Cindy: It’s very dangerous. The teacher talked about it in class.

Bobby: It tells all about it in the home safety drive stuff.

(He shows Mike a pamphlet.)

Mike (reading): Any wall receptacle with more than two appliances being used at one time is an overload, and it can overheat.

Cindy: Ms. Barnaby says that’s why we’re having this home safety drive.

Bobby: Let’s go look upstairs.

(Mike cautions them.)

Mike: Listen, those sockets are full of electric current.

Carol: So be careful.

Mike (to Carol): This home inspection thing is a good idea.

Carol: Yeah, I think so.

(Alice comes out to the kitchen.)

Alice: Inspection completed. You can tell the kids my room is 100% safe.

Mike: Yep, so is the kitchen.

Carol: Now that we’ve gotten rid of the octopus.

Alice: Oh, good. (She suddenly realizes) Octopus?

(Peter comes in through the front door. Mike and Carol see him.)

Mike: Peter, what are you doing home so early?

Carol: Why did you leave Jane’s party?

Peter: Well, something happened.

(He starts heading up the stairs.)

Mike: Pete, what happened?

Peter: I don’t wanna talk about it.

(He goes upstairs.)

Carol (to Mike): Well, something happened at that party.

(They go up the stairs and the scene fades out.)

untitled mirror mirror on the wall

(Peter is up in his room, sitting at the desk with his chin dragging. Mike and Carol come in.)

Mike: Hey, what happened at the party?

Peter: If you really wanna know, nothing.

Carol: Nothing?

Peter: Nothing! Nobody talked to me all night.

Mike: Ah, go on, you’re exaggerating.

Peter: Well, one guy did. He said…

Mike: What did he say?

Peter: He said I have no personality.

Carol: No personality?

(Peter gets up and walks to the mirror.)

Peter: See? Nothing, zero. Let’s face it, I’m dull.

Carol: That’s ridiculous.

Mike: Sure it is. You have a good personality.

Peter: Parents have to say junk like that.

Mike: Now Peter, you know that isn’t so.

Mike: Turn around. (He directs him to the mirror) Look in there and tell me what you see.

Peter: Same as before, dull me.

Mike: You know what I see? I see a fella who had a crummy time at a party, that’s all. Just like his pop used to have when he was his age, hmm?

Carol: And like your mother still has at certain lunches. (She kisses his cheek) You’ll feel much better after you have a good night sleep.

Mike: Your mom’s right. This won’t seem like such a big thing in the morning.

Carol (handing him his jacket): Good night, and don’t forget to hang that up, okay?

(They leave the room and Mike closes the door. Peter looks himself in the mirror.)

Peter (to himself): Boy, are you dull.

(The next scene have Bobby and Cindy going over another safety technique with Carol.)

Carol: Well, I hope these are the right kind of plugs.

Bobby: Just the kind the teacher said to get, instead of that old octopus.

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: You know that all last night I dreamt about octopuses, octopussies, octopoo?

(She walks away to put towels away. Mike leaves for a golf game.)

Mike (to Carol): Good bye, darling.

(He kisses her.)

Carol: Oh, bye, honey. Have a good day. Good luck.

Bobby: Wait a minute, Dad.

Mike: Fore, fore, fore!

Bobby: We still have a lot more to do on our safety campaign.

Cindy: Here’s a whistle.

Mike: What am I supposed to do with it?

Bobby: You blow it.

Mike: I know you blow it, for what reason?

Cindy: A fire drill! We have to have a fire drill.

Bobby: Our teacher said we have to practice getting out of the house real fast.

Mike: Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to do right now. Look, we’ll have one when I get back, I promise. Good bye.

(Meanwhile, Peter is upstairs with Greg.)

Peter: I don’t wanna talk about it!

(He gets down from his top bunk and sits on Greg’s bed. Greg sits on a chair to speak to him.)

Greg: Pete, hey Pete, well listen, if you can’t tell me, what are brothers for? Now come on, what’s bugging you?

Peter: Well, last night I found out I haven’t got something everybody else has.

Greg; What?

Peter: It’s something important.

Greg: What?

Peter: Something real important.

Greg: Tell me, will ya?

Peter: A personality. I don’t have a personality.

Greg: You don’t have a what?

Peter: I’m dull, D-U-L-L.

Greg: For crying out loud, that’s stupid. S-T-U-P-I-D.

Peter: No it’s not. I’m so dull, I’m almost invisible.

Greg: Come on, Pete, you’re not dull. There are lots of guys duller than you.

Pete: Who?

Greg: Well, there’s, (Pause) I’ll think of somebody.

(The next scene has Mike coming home and Bobby and Cindy come out to greet him.)

Mike: Ho ho.

Cindy (handing him a whistle): Just blow right in here.

Mike (laughing): Okay, okay, we’ll have a fire drill.

(Bobby and Cindy jump for joy and they go inside the house. He conducts a fire drill but has the family believing it is a surprise.)

Mike: Okay, everybody ready? (They all say yes) Remember, I’m going to time us. Oh, try to act like you don’t know it’s coming, see. Go about your everyday business, do what you’re doing, because it’s got to be natural.

Carol (calling): Mike, would you blow the whistle!

Mike: Okay.

(He blows. Everybody comes down the stairs as quickly as they can, all except Peter. Alice meets them outside with an uncooked chicken in her hand.)

Carol: Alice, what are you doing out here with that chicken?

Alice: Oh, well, Mr. Brady said to go ahead and do whatever we were doing.

Carol (laughing): Oh, Alice.

Alice: Besides, if there had been a real fire, it would have been too well done in there.

Mike (looking at his watch): Listen, considering this was our first fire drill, we didn’t do too badly. 21 seconds.

Carol: Hey, good, huh?

Bobby: Next time the fire drill has to be a surprise, right, Dad?

Mike: That’s what I was trying to tell you at the bottom of the…

Carol (interrupting): Right, Mike. Next time we’re not gonna get any warning.

Alice (to the kitchen): Hear that, kid? Next time, you’re on your own.

(She goes back in the house, as do Mike and Carol.)

Marcia: Why didn’t Peter come down?

Cindy: That’s against the rules.

Bobby: Mom said he didn’t have to.

Greg: Pete’s down in the dumps about something.

Jan: What?

Greg: Well, the other night at the party, some guy told him he was dull, that he had no personality.

Jan: And Pete believed him?

Marcia: That’s silly.

Greg: Well, that just goes to show you, if you aren’t too careful of what you say, you can sure hurt somebody’s feelings.

(Greg and Bobby go inside.)

Marcia: Maybe there’s a way he can help Peter.

Jan: Yeah, but how?

Cindy: Yeah, how?

Marcia: Well, if one person can say something to make someone feel bad, then maybe another person can say something to make them feel good.

(The next day, Peter comes home from school, with Marcia and her friend Kathy waiting for him.)

Marcia (to Kathy): Here he comes. (They sit down a nd pretend to look at magazines) Just don’t be too obvious Kathy, Peter’s pretty sharp.

(Peter comes in.)

Marcia: Hi.

Kathy: Hello, Peter.

Peter: Hi.

Marcia: Pete, what’s that science fiction movie you were talking about? The one that’s on this week?

Peter: The invasion of the potato people.

Marcia: That’s it.

Kathy: What’s it about?

Peter: Oh, just a dumb old science fiction movie.

Kathy: Thank you, Peter. That was very considerate of you.

Peter: What was? I didn’t do anything?

Kathy: You took the trouble to help us. Attractive boys aren’t usually so nice.

Marcia: You’re right. What’s the movie about, Pete?

Peter: Oh, just a drippy old scientist.

Kathy: That sounds so exciting!

Peter: Exciting?

Kathy: The way you say it, I guess. (to Marcia) You know, he has such a way with words.

Peter: I do?

Kathy: Well us more.

Peter: Well, the scientist is trying to protect the earth from these terrible potato people.

Kathy: Oh, you make it sound so scary.

Marcia: Do the potato people look like potatoes?

Peter: Yeah, they got eyes all over them. They’re trying to plant themselves in the earth and take it over.

Kathy: I could die, he’s too much!

Peter: They’re kind of an icky dirt color, and they’ve got these sprouts sticking on top of the potato heads.

Kathy: I’ve got goosebumps the way you tell it! He’s so forceful, and what a memory!

Peter: The best part is when the scientist hides behind a rock, like this. (He goes behind a chair) He’s trying to wipe out the potato people. He injects the ground with a secret chemical…

(He hides behind the chair and Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Is Peter home form school yet?

Marcia (angry): Cindy!

(She points to the chair.)

Cindy: Did Kathy trick him yet? did it make him feel better?

(Peter comes out from the chair.)

Peter (upset): What do you mean trick me?

Cindy: Sorry, Marcia.

(She runs away embarrassed. Peter gets angry and leaves.)

Marcia: We were only trying to help, Pete.

Kathy: You really did make the story sound exciting.

(Peter goes in his room and looks himself in the mirror.)

Peter: Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who’s the dullest one of all.

(He points to himself as the scene fades.)

untitled trick peter

(In the next scene, Mike and Carol are in the living room and the telephone rings.)

Carol (answering): Hello. Yes he is. May I tell Peter who’s calling? Oh sure, Peggy, hold on a minute.

Mike (calling): Peter! (He calls a little louder) PETER! (He comes down the stairs) Telephone for you.

Peter: Who is it?

Carol: It’s Peggy.

Peter (getting on the phone): Hi, Peggy. When’s the party? Wait a minute, let me check. (He ponders for a few seconds) Sorry, I’m doing something that night. Thanks anyway, bye.

Carol (shocked): Peter, why did you do that?

Peter: Well, how would you like to be the fourth guy asked to a party?

Mike: What difference does it make? First, fourth, or whatever,

Peter: Well, anyway, I don’t care if I go or not. I’m just plain dull at parties.

Carol: Peter, if you were as dull as you think you are, would anybody invite you to a party?

Peter: I don’t think I’m dull, I know I’m dull.

Carol: Well, I just think you decided to feel sorry for yourself and enjoy it.

Mike: You know, I’m disappointed in you. You’re quitting. That’s not how you cope with problems. Stop moping around. If you don’t like your personality, improve it, change it.

(Later on, Peter is in his room looking at the mirror. Mike’s advice about changing his personality gets played again in his head.)

Peter: Dad’s right, but change it to what?

(He turns on the television and sees a movie, one that featured an Englishman and woman. The man and woman are trading romantic lines. Peter gets up, goes to the mirror and repeats to himself what was said.)

Peter: You suave, hypnotic charmer.

(The next scene has Bobby going upstairs and Mike about to conduct another fire drill.)

Mike: Bobby,  go on upstairs. You’re not supposed to know.

Bobby (whispering): It’s a surprise fire drill, right?

Mike: Yeah, it’s a surprise fire drill. So go on upstairs. (Bobby goes upstairs) and pretend you don’t know.

(Bobby goes in his room and Mike is ready to blow the whistle. However, Alice comes from the kitchen.)

Alice: I love surprises.

(Mike blows and all the kids, with the exception of Peter,  run down the stairs and go outside, where they are joined by Alice and Carol.)

Mike: Well, I don’t know. Peter’s not here yet.

Carol: Oh, where is he?

(Peter comes out with an umbrella in hand.)

Peter (mocking a British accent): Top of the day, old chaps.

Cindy: What’s the umbrella for?

Bobby: There aren’t even any clouds.

Greg: Peter, what’s the joke?

Peter: Joke? it’s my new personality. Don’t you like it?

(They laugh.)

Carol: Well, Peter, it.

Peter (discouraged): You don’t like it.

(He walks away unhappily. We next see Peter watching another movie in his room, supposedly one with Humphrey Bogart. After a few dialogues, Peter tucked his teeth below his lip, goes to the mirror and does an impression of Bogart.)

Peter (lisping): If you want me sweetheart, just whistle?

(Peter goes to the kitchen, where Carol and Alice are preparing dinner. He tries to do his imitation on them.)

Peter (lisping): Hi, Mom. Hi, Alice. What’s for dinner?

Carol: Pork chops.

Peter: Pork chops, huh? What else?

Alice: Apple sauce.

Peter: Pork chops and apple sauce, isn’t that swell?

Carol: Have you got something stuck in your teeth?

Peter: Why do you say that?

Mike (coming in the door): Hi honey, I’m home.

(She comes out to greet him.)

Peter (to Alice): You say we’re having pork chops and applesauce for dinner?

Alice: Yes.

Peter: That’s swell.

(Cut to the family room.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart.

(They hug and kiss.)

Mike: What’s for dinner?

Carol (lisping): Pork chops and apple sauce.

Mike: Huh?

Carol: Pork chops and applesauce. Isn’t that swell?

Mike: I think you need a vacation.

Carol: Guess who’s coming to dinner.

Mike: A psychiatrist, I hope.

Carol: No, I think it’s Humphrey Bogart. I’m not sure.

(Peter comes out to see Mike.)

Peter: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hi, Peter.

Peter: We’re having pork chops and applesauce.

Mike (laughing): Hey Pete, that’s pretty good. Of course, there’s only one Humphrey Bogart. I doubt whether they’ll ever be another one.

Peter (talking in his normal voice): You don’t like this new personality either?

Carol: Oh well, that’s just the trouble, Peter. it’s not your new personality, it’s Humphrey Bogart’s old one.

Peter: All the great personalities belong to somebody else.

Mike: Well, why don’t you try to stop trying to imitate other people and just develop your own personality.

Peter: It’s not going to be easy.

(He feels more discouraged and goes upstairs.)

Carol (to Mike): I hope there’s not an old Dracula movie on TV tonight.

Mike (in a Transylvanian accent): Why, you don’t like Dracula? Let me kiss your lily white neck.

(He starts to slobber on her neck.)

Carol (laughing): Mike, cut that out. You know I can’t stand it!

(Next, Mike is showing Carol a new sketch he made in his den.)

Mike: See, I added a central courtyard here to handle all the traffic flow.

Carol: Gee, I think that’s very attractive.

Mike: Yeah, I think that helps.

(He sips his coffee and Peter knocks at the door.)

Carol: Oh, come on in, Peter.

Peter: Well, if you’re busy, I can come back.

Mike: No, it’s okay, Pete. Come on in.

Peter: Well, I was wondering, would you like to hear a joke?

Mike: A joke?

Carol: Well, sure.

Peter: It’s probably not too funny.

Carol: Well, why don’t you try it and see.

Peter: You don’t have to laugh if you don’t feel like it.

Mike: Let us be the judge. Let’s hear it.

Peter: You know why horses can’t go to college?

Mike: No, why can’t horses go to college?

Peter: Because they can’t finish high school.

(Mike and Carol laugh.)

Carol: Where did you hear that?

Peter: I got it out of a joke book I bought.

Mike: That’s pretty good. You got another one?

Peter: Yeah. If teachers are so smart, how come they’re still in school?

(Before he can deliver the punchline, Alice comes in.)

Alice: More coffee, what’s so funny?

Carol: Oh, Peter’s really telling us some good jokes.

Alice: Oh, I love a joke.

Mike: Go ahead, tell another one.

Peter: Well, these two guys meet on a corner, and one guy says to the other, my brother just got a job making switches for the electric company. And the other guy says is it steady work? And the first guy says, no, it’s just off and on.

(They all laugh, especially Alice. Next, Peter is in the kitchen telling Greg, Bobby and Alice another joke.)

Peter: Do you know what’s gray and stamps out jungle fires?

Greg: No, what’s gray and stamps out jungle fires.

Peter: Smokey the elephant.

(They laugh. He is next telling the girls a joke.)

Peter: Tell me. What do you get when you cross a parrot and a tiger?

Marcia: I don’t know. What do you get when you cross a parrot and a tiger?

Peter: I don’t know either, but when it talks, you better listen.

(They laugh hysterically. Mike and Carol are in bed discussing the kids.)

Mike: How are the kids coming with the safety campaign?

Carol: Oh, we must have the safest house in the country by now.

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: The only thing left are seat belts for the dining room chairs.

Mike (laughing): Don’t give that idea to the kids. (They hear a knock on the door) Come in.

Peter (entering the room): Can I talk to you for a minute?

Carol: Sure, what is it, Peter?

Peter: Well, I wanted to ask you something. Can I have a party?

Mike: A party? Okay, it’s all right with me if it’s all right with your mom.

Carol: Sure, I don’t mind.

Peter: Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.

Carol: What’s the occasion?

Peter: I just want to tell a few jokes and let everybody see my new personality.

Mike: You’re coming out of your shell, that’s good.

Peter: Well, now that I’ve got that great new personality, why should I waste it on just the family?

(He leaves.)

Carol: You know, Mike, I think Peter’s jokes are kind of cute, but maybe the kids he invites to the party won’t.

Mike: Honey, kids usually like those kind of jokes. Besides, he’s finally enthusiastic about something. It’s important.

Carol: Well, I guess you’re right. Who knows? maybe Bob Hope started.

(She laughs and pokes him. The next scene has Peter’s party in progress, with several friends in attendance, along with Greg and Marcia. Bobby and Cindy are watching from upstairs, as they were excluded.)

Peter (shouting): Hey, everybody, wanna hear a joke?

(All the kids shout approval and gather around him.)

Peter: Okay, this man walks into a restaurant and he says to the waiter, do you serve crabs? And the waiter says…

Boy#1: Sit down, we serve anyone.

(All the kids laugh. Mike, Carol and Alice hear them from the kitchen.)

Carol: Hey, listen, he’s really killing them.

Mike: My son, the comedian.

Carol: Yeah.

(Cut back to the party.)

Peter: I guess you all heard that one. Well, how about this one? This lady goes to the doctor and she says, Doctor, when I get well, will I be able to play the violin? And the doctor said, of course, and the lady said, that’s great…

Boy #2: Because I never played it before.

(The kids laugh. The grownups hear and think Peter is succeeding with his newfound personality.)

Mike; He’s really knocking them dead.

Carol: Well, I was right. Another Bob Hope.

(Peter comes in the kitchen, feeling discouraged.)

Alice: Sounds like everybody’s having a ball, Peter.

Peter: Yeah, some ball.

Mike: What’s the matter? We hear them laughing.

Peter: Sure, every time I start to tell a joke, someone else tells the punchline.

(He grabs some chips and brings them out. Then he sits at the bottom of the stairs, feeling sorry for himself. Kyle, a guest at his party, comes to speak to him.)

Kyle: What’s the matter, Peter?

Peter: Nothing.

Kyle: Then why are you sitting by yourself? That’s what you did last week at Jane’s party.

Peter: I don’t wanna ruin everybody’s fun, I’m too dull.

Kyle: You’re not dull, I think you’re very nice.

Peter: You’re just saying that.

Kyle: I am not, and if you don’t believe me, ask somebody else. (to another girl) Hey, Judy, come here.

Judy: What’s up?

Kyle: Peter thinks he’s dull.

Judy: Peter, dull, that’s silly.

Kyle: That’s what I said too.

(Susie, another girl, comes by.)

Susie: Hey, what’s going on?

Judy: Peter says he’s dull. Isn’t that ridiculous?

Susie: It sure is.

(Cut back to the kitchen.)

Carol: Poor Peter. He must be miserable in there.

(All the girls at the party are surrounding Peter by now.)

Peter: Mmm, no, I’m not shy. I really am dull. Have you seen anyone duller than me?

Alice (watching): if Peter’s miserable, that’s the only way to be miserable.

(Carol and Mike come by and notice the girls flirting with Peter. At this moment, Bobby and Cindy blow their whistle to signal a fire drill.)

Bobby and Cindy: FIRE! FIRE!

(Everybody goes outside.)

Bobby (passing by Peter): How’s that for a surprise?

(Mike and Carol come up to Peter.)

Peter (bitter): What a dumb time for a fire drill, just when I was having fun with my five guests.

Carol: You had 11 guests, Peter.

Peter: Five, who counts boys?

(He goes outside with the others.)

Mike: He’s a chip off the old block, huh?

Carol: Oh, yeah, since when?

(They go outside and the scene fades.)

untitled fire drill

(The final scene has Peter helping Mike and Carol clean up the party.)

Peter: I was right all along. I am dull.

Mike: Oh, Peter, don’t start that again.

Peter; Oh, I don’t mind. I like it.

Carol: You like it?

Peter: It’s great. My personality’s making me very popular. Girls love a dull guy.

Carol: You don’t say.

Peter: Sure, they hang around you, and they try to convince you that you’re not dull. I’m the first guy invited to three parties next week.

(He goes out to the kitchen.)

Carol (to Mike): Well, looks like dull is in this year. Why don’t you change your personality, dear.

Mike (lisping): If you say so, sweetheart.

Carol (lisping): How would you like some pork chops and applesauce.

Mike: I’d rather have a kiss.

Carol: Oh, it’s the first time I ever kissed Humphrey Bogart.

(They kiss.)

                                   THE END

 

S3 E5 My Sister Benedict Arnold

untitled greg dumped

My Sister Benedict Arnold

Written by Elroy Schwartz

Marcia dates a boy who Greg despises. He, in turn, dates a girl who Marcia is not fond of. Eventually, they learn the error of their ways. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

WARREN MULLANEY

KATHY LAWRENCE

(The episode begins with Peter and Alice cleaning off a booth they are using for a school carnival. Bobby comes running out.)

Bobby: Is it ready yet?

Peter: Can’t you see we still have to decorate it?

Bobby: I mean, does the dunking part work?

Alice: Oh, you bet it does. Believe me, watch it, Pete. Believe me, if you hit that bulls-eye, (She demonstrates for him) Splat.

Bobby: Boy, this is going to be the best booth in the whole school carnival.

Alice: Step right up, folks, step right up, to the Brady booth! And for 10 cents, for the tenth part of a dollar, let’s see who can dunk the dunkee, whoever he is.

Peter: It wouldn’t hurt you to do a little work on it.

Alice: That’s fair.

(Greg comes home in a foul mood.)

Peter: Hi, Greg. (Greg walks by without answering) Hey Greg, what’s the matter?

Greg (bitterly): Who said anything was the matter?

Peter: Well, if nothing’s the matter, what are you so sore about?

Greg: Nothing.

Peter: Come on. If you tell someone, you’re supposed to feel better.

Greg: The coach took me off the first string basketball team.

Peter: No wonder you’re sore. Now I’m sore too.

Greg: You know who beat me out?

Peter: Who?

Greg: Warren Mullaney.

Peter: Warren Mullaney? That’s the same guy who beat you out for student council president!

Greg: Some president! He got elected by making a lot of phony promises he didn’t keep.

Peter: How did he get to be first string?

Greg: Buttering up the coach, and when the coach isn’t looking, you should see the way he goofs off.

Peter: Boy, he really is a phony.

Greg: He’s a bum all right. The crumb bugs me worse than anyone I know. You namne it, anybody!

(Greg goes inside.Peter shrugs and returns to the booth. Meanwhile, Jan is upstairs combing her hair and Marcia happily comes in their room.)

Marcia (excited): Jan, guess what.

Jan: Okay, I’ll guess. What?

Marcia; I just got asked for a date to the pizza parlor.

Jan: So, what’s such the big deal?

Marcia: By a high school boy.

Jan: You’re kidding!

Marcia: No, he’s coming by after dinner.

Jan: Your first high school date. But where did you meet him?

Marcia: On the way home from school.

Jan: What’s his name?

Marcia: Warren Mullaney.

Jan: Wow.

(The scene fades.)

untitled warren

(The next scene has Greg in his room, pouting about his day. Mike and Bobby come in to see him.)

Bobby: Come on, Greg. We’re going to start decorating the dunking machine.

Greg: You don’t need me.

Mike: Sure we do. What, you got a problem?

Greg: Yeah.

Mike (to Bobby): Well, you run on down. I’ll be there in a minute.

Bobby: Okay. The one who does the most work gets to be dunked first.

Mike: Sounds fair to me. (Bobby leaves. Mike sits down to talk to Greg) Well, what’s the problem?

Greg: You know that guy who beat me out for student council?

Mike: Oh yeah, what was his name? Warren?

Greg: Warren Mullaney,  it bugs me just to say it.

Mike: Well, what about him?

Greg: Today he beat me out for first string on the basketball team.

Mike: Oh, I’m sorry about that. Come on, you can’t win ’em all. You know that, don’t you?

Greg: Dad, he’s always beating me out at something! I don’t mind getting beaten out but he doesn’t even play fair. Phony, buttering up, conniving…

Mike: Oh, Greg, come on, don’t let it get you down. Look, if that’s the case, the coach is going to find out sooner or later.

Greg: Well how does that help me now?

Mike: Every dog has his day.

Greg: I’m not so sure with a dog like Warren.

Mike (laughing): Cheer up. Come down and help us if you feel like it.

(Mike leaves the room and goes to the girls’ room.)

Mike: Marcia, Jan. How about some help with the carnival booth?

Marcia: We’re coming, Dad.

Mike: okay.

(He walks away.)

Jan (to Marcia): Do you think Mom and Dad will let you go out with a high school boy?

Marcia: Why not? As long as he’s real nice.

Jan: Well, is he?

Marcia: He seems to be. I wonder if Greg knows him, you go on. I’ll be down in a minute.

Jan: Okay.

(Marcia goes in to talk to Greg, who is still upset.)

Marcia: Greg, can I talk to you for a second?

Greg: What about?

Marcia: Well, this real cool guy asked me to go to the pizza parlor with him.

Greg: So?

Marcia: He’s in high school.

Greg: Congratulations.

Marcia: Well, he’s in your class, and I thought if you knew him, you could tell me what he’s like.

Greg: Every guy in my class is okay, except Warren, Warren Mullaney. As far as I’m concerned he’s public enemy number 1.

Marcia: Well, what’s the matter with him?

Greg: I guess you didn’t hear that Warren beat me out for first string on the basketball team.

Marcia: Gee Greg, I’m sorry.

Greg: The guy is at the top of my crumb list. In fact, he’s on the bottom of my crumb list too and he’s every crumb in between.

(Marcia gets a surprised look and leaves. We next see her downstairs helping Carol with a sign for the Brady booth.)

Marcia: Mom.

Mom: Mmm hmm.

Marcia: A boy from high school asked me to go to the pizza parlor.

Carol: Ooh, a high school boy. Aren’t we growing up, before you know it, it will be college boys.

Marcia: This one’s just a high school boy. Can I go?

Carol: Well, I think it will be okay, but we’d like to meet him first.

Marcia: I told him to come on over. If we can go, great.

Carol: Fine.

Marcia: There may be one little problem though.

Carol: Oh, what’s that?

Marcia: Greg doesn’t like Warren. That’s his name, Warren Mullaney.

Carol: Why doesn’t Greg like him?

Marcia: Warren took his place on the basketball team.

Carol: Well, I’m afraid that’s Greg’s problem. It really isn’t yours.

Marcia: I know it and you know it. I just hope Greg knows it.

(Later on, Cindy is helping Marcia zip her dress for her date with Warren.)

Marcia: Thanks, Cindy.

Cindy: You’re welcome.

Marcia: Do I look okay?

Cindy: Uh-huh. (She notices her feet) Is that the new style?

Marcia: Is what the new style?

Cindy: Wearing two different shoes.

(Marcia notices.)

Marcia: Thanks, Cindy. (She changes one of them) I guess I’m a little nervous about Warren?

Cindy: If he makes you nervous, why are you going out with him?

Marcia: It’s not him. It’s how Greg feels about him that’s got me uptight.

Cindy: Are you going to let him kiss you good night?

Marcia: That is none of your business.

Cindy: I know. I just thought I’d ask you anyway.

(Alice is in the kitchen when Marcia awaits Warren’s arrival. She looks in the cupboards for stuff to buy and then goes to write it down. Marcia comes into the kitchen.)

Alice (to Marcia): Hi, looking for something?

Marcia: Greg. Warren will be here any minute, and I want to keep them apart.

Alice: Well, Greg went to the library.

Marcia: Oh, good.

Alice: Well, I don’t know, I think he went to pick up a book on witchcraft. You will let me know if Prince warren turns into a frog. (She laughs but Marcia doesn’t find it funny) That was just a joke, honey.

Marcia: Not to me, Alice.

Alice: Sorry.

(The phone rings.)

Marcia: That must be Warren.

(The rushes to get the door while Alice writes more stuff down. In comes Greg.)

Greg: Hi Alice, I’m home.

Alice: Hi. (She suddenly stops him) Don’t go in there.

Greg: Why not?

Alice (abruptly): Pie, pie, you didn’t have any pie after dinner. You rushed right out to the library.

Greg: Sure I had pie, I even had seconds, this will be my third helping.

Alice: Well, this will be your third on firsts but it’s only your second on seconds.

Greg: Huh?

Alice: Well, the pieces you had after dinner were your firsts and seconds, right? So this will be your third on first or your second on seconds.

Greg: Alice, I think you’re a little pie happy.

Alice: Well, anyway, have another piece. It’s an end cut, you’ll just love it.

(Marcia invites Warren in.)

Marcia: Why don’t you sit down, I’ll get my parents.

Warren: Okay. (He notices the rest of the kids looking at him form the top of the stairs) Who are they?

Marcia: That’s a new group called the nosy bodies. Cindy, would you ask Mom and Dad to come down?

Cindy: Okay.

(Greg is finishing the piece of pie that Alice gave him.)

Greg: Thanks, Alice. I guess I’d better get up to my room now and study this. I got a test tomorrow.

Alice: wait a minute, uh…

Greg: What’s the matter?

Alice: Uhh, uhh, uhh, ice cream. All that pie was supposed to be a la mode. You got cheated on every piece you had. (He gets up) No I’ll get it. Look, the way I figure it, you’ve got about a half gallon coming.

Greg: Honest, Alice, I couldn’t eat another bite.

(Marcia and Warren are talking in the living room.)

Marcia (to Warren): I guess my worst subject is history, I get confused with the dates and…

(Greg comes by and gets angry seeing Warren there.)

Greg: Marcia!

Warren (oblivious): Hi, Greg.

Greg (to Marcia): What’s he doing here?

Marcia: Warren’s taking me to the pizza parlor tonight.

Greg: He’s the guy you were talking about?

Marcia: Yeah.

Greg: Well, you can tell him to leave before I throw him out.

Warren: Greg, what are you so sore about?

(Mike and Carol come downstairs.)

Marcia: Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet Warren Mullaney. Warren, this is my mom and dad.

(Greg angrily goes upstairs.)

Mike: Hello, Warren.

Carol: Nice to meet you.

Warren: Nice meeting you too, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.

(Next, Mike and Carol are in the living room. Carol is on the phone with her friend, Martha.)

Carol: Oh yeah, Martha. Oh, sure, the kids can hardly wait. Well, the junior high carnival is the highlight of the year for them. Mmm hmmm, yeah. Well, hold on just a second Martha, I’ll ask him, okay? (to Mike) Martha wants to know if the dunking machine is ready?

Mike (pretending to yell from another room): The dunking machine is ready, Martha.

Carol: Did you hear that, Martha? Yeah, the dunking machine is ready? (She starts to laugh) Martha, you are a devil. Yeah, that would be funny, mmm hmm. (She motions to Mike to pretend to call her from another room) Yeah, uh huh, yeah, Martha, yeah.

Mike (repeating his yell): Honey, would you come here.

Carol: Well, look Martha, yeah, I have to go. Mike’s calling me, uh huh, I think something is burning. Yeah, sure, I’ll do that. Okay, Martha, bye. (to Mike) You know what she said?

Mike: No.

Carol: She thought it would be fun to get the principal on the dunking machine.

Mike (laughing): Empty every piggy bank in school.

Carol: You know what I think? I think it would be fun to get Martha on the dunking machine. She never stops talking.

(Marcia comes back from her date.)

Marcia: Good night Warren, thank you.

Carol: Hi, honey, did you have a good time?

Marcia: Well, it was okay.

Mike: That’s all? Just okay?

Marcia: Yeah, you know, I thought, wow, a high school boy. But warren’s just the same as the boys in my junior high class, except he shaves once a month.

Mike: Maybe you ought to catch him on the nights he shaves.

Marcia: He did put on some smelly aftershave lotion. At first I thought it was the pepperoni pizza he ordered. (She finishes her sentence with a laugh) Anyway, i was going to invite him to the school carnival Friday night.

Carol: What made you change your mind?

Marcia: Well, he’s not all that great, and I don’t see any sense in getting Greg all upset. (She gets up) Good night.

(She kisses them good night.)

Mike: Good night, sweetheart.

Carol: Good night, darling.

(Later, she is upstairs about to brush her teeth when Greg confronts her.)

Greg: Marcia.

Marcia: Just a minute.

Greg: As soon as you’re finished, I want to talk to you.

Marcia: Good, I want to talk to you too. I’ve decided…

Greg: I don’t care what you’ve decided. You better not go out with Warren Mullaney again.

Marcia: But Greg…

Greg: No buts about it, you better not go out with him. I’m telling you once and for all, okay?

Marcia: Since when did you become my boss?

Greg: You heard me, Marcia. Don’t go out with him.

Marcia: And what if I do?

Greg: Well then, Miss Benedict Arnold, you’ll find out what.

(Marcia angrily brushes her teeth as the scene fades.)

untitled greg and marcia feud

(The next scene has Peter, Bobby, Jan and Cindy in the kitchen arguing what they want for lunch. Greg and Marcia are sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast.)

Alice (whistling through her teeth): Hold it!

Carol: Whatever you have in your hands right now, that is lunch. Now come on, scoot. You’re going to be late for school.

(The kids noisily leave.)

Greg (to Marcia): You thought about what I said last night? (Marcia glares at him but doesn’t say anything) Did you hear me?

Marcia: I heard you?

Greg: Well, what are you gonna do about it?

Marcia: I’m gonna ask Warren to go to the school carnival with me.

Greg: You’re gonna what?

Marcia: I wasn’t going to until you opened your big mouth. Now I am!

Greg: Marcia, you better not!

Marcia: Not only that, I’m gonna ask Warren to come home from school today with me and help me with my homework.

Greg: Marcia, you’re really asking for trouble!

Marcia: And just who’s gonna give me to me?

Greg: You’re looking at him!

Marcia: Oh, I’m so scared!

Carol: What is this, a shouting match?

Marcia: Greg thinks he’s my boss. He thinks he can tell me who i can go out with and who I can’t.

Mike: Did you say that, Greg?

Marcia: That’s exactly what he said, if I go out with Warren, or if I ask him to come over this afternoon, he’d make trouble for me!

Carol: Marcia, I think you’re going to be late for school, honey.

Greg: I guess I better be going too.

Mike: I think you have a little time left. Sit down. (He sits down with Greg) You didn’t answer my question.

Greg: Yes sir, I said that.

Carol: Listen, Greg, it’s not for you to tell Marcia who to go out with.

Greg: Mom, can you imagine how I felt when I saw that guy, my worst enemy right here in my own home.

Mike: This is Marcia’s home too. And as long as your mother and I approve, she can invite anyone over that she wants to. (Greg starts getting up) Is that clear?

Greg: Yes, sir.

Mike: Okay.

(Greg grabs his lunch and starts to leave, then he stops suddenly.)

Greg: Does that go for the rest of us, too?

Mike: Sure it does.

Carol: We don’t have any special rules just for Marcia.

Greg: Great.

(He leaves.)

Carol: What was that turnaround all about? What’s so great?

Mike: I don’t know, and I’m not sure I wanna find out.

(Next, the Brady booth is complete and Cindy gets in, waiting to get dunked.)

Bobby (protesting): Why can’t I go first?

Cindy: Because it’s ladies first.

Alice: You can be next, Bobby.

Bobby: I wanna go first.

Peter: Oh, knock it off. When are you gonna grow up?

Bobby: When i get older.

Alice (to Cindy): Okay, you all set?

Cindy: Mmm hmm.

Alice: Let her rip, Peter. Wait till I get out of here, when I take a bath, I want hot water, a little privacy and a lot of bubbles.

(Peter starts to throw balls to dunk Cindy.)

Peter: Okay, here it comes.

(He throws but misses.)

Cindy: You missed.

Bobby: Some arm.

Peter: Oh, come on. Give me a chance. I’m not warmed up yet.

(He throws again and hits. Cindy falls in the water.)

Alice (laughing): hang on, honey. here comes the Coast Guard.

Bobby (running to the booth): My turn now.

(Cindy climbs out of the booth.)

Peter (to Bobby): Did you see that/ Right smack in the middle!

Bobby: Yeah, Vida Blue better start worrying about his job.

(Cindy is out of the booth wrapped in a towel.)

Cindy: Why can’t I do it again?

Bobby: Because it’s my turn.

Alice: Yeah, only one dunk to a customer. And besides, you promised to help me make some cookies for carnival.

Cindy: Oh, yeah.

Bobby (climbing to the top of the booth): Okay Pete, really lay one in there. I’m ready.

Peter: Okay, here it comes.

(He throws a ball but misses.)

Bobby: Come on, hit the target.

Peter: I’m trying to.

(He goes to retrieve the ball. Carol comes outside.)

Carol (calling): Peter, it’s time to do your homework.

Peter (calling back): in a minute, Mom.

Carol: Not in a minute, now.

Peter: Okay.

(She smiles and waves approval to him.)

Bobby: Hey, I want to get dunked.

Peter: You heard what Mom said.

(He goes inside. Bobby goes to the level and pulls it down for him to fall in. Peter comes outside for a minute.)

Peter: You make a dumb looking mermaid.

(Bobby splashes him.)

(Next, Marcia is in the family room studying with Warren.)

Marcia: The first United Nations conference was held in (Pause) San Francisco.

Warren: Right.

(Jan comes in and silently calls to Marcia, then motions to her to come to her.)

Marcia: Jan’s at the childish age where she’s big on secrets. I’ll be back ina minute.

(Jan grabs Marcia by the hand and takes her to the kitchen.)

Marcia (annoyed): What do you want?

Jan: Greg’s on his way home from school.

Marcia (beaming): Oh, good. I can’t wait to see his face when  he sees Warren here.

Jan: You better get a grip on your own face. he’s bringing someone home.

Marcia: Who?

Jan: That girl that beat you out at cheerleading, Kathy Lawrence.

Marcia: Kathy Lawrence? (Jan nods) He knows she’s at the bottom of my list. He’s just trying to bug me.

Jan: What are you going to do about it?

Marcia (smiling): Nothing, not a thing.

Jan (shocked): Nothing?

Marcia: I’m not gonna let Kathy bother me one bit. I won’t give Greg the satisfaction.

(She goes back in the family room, leaving Jan bewildered. She’s back in the family room with Warren.)

Marcia: A parallelogram. (Pause) Oh yeah, it’s a, (Marcia sees Greg and Kathy coming in) It’s a four sided figure in which each air of opposite sides remains the same distance apart.

Warren: Right.

Greg (coming inside with Kathy): I’m sure it wasn’t too hard for you. (He sees Marcia) Hi, Marcia. You know Kathy, don’t you?

Marcia: Why, of course. It’s so nice to see you again, Kathy.

Kathy: Hi, Marcia.

Marcia: Oh, this is Warren Mullaney.

Kathy: Hi.

Warren: Hi.

Marcia: Warren’s on the first string basketball team in high school.

Greg: Kathy’s head cheerleader now.

Marcia: Oh, congratulations, Kathy.

Kathy: I’m sorry you didn’t make cheerleading Marcia, it’s really fun.

Marcia: Oh well, you can’t win ’em all.

Greg: Um, come on Kathy, let’s do your homework.

(They go into the living room.)

Kathy:  I sure was surprised to see you today. I didn’t think you even remembered me.

Greg: How could I forget you. I mean, I really dig the way you lead those cheers.

Kathy: No kidding?

Greg: Especially that F-F-F-I-L one. Hey, how about doing that for me now.

Kathy (sheepishly): Here? I’d feel embarrassed. Besides, I came over to study.

Greg: Please Kathy, I’d really like to hear it. Besides, I’m gonna help you do your homework.

Kathy: Well, okay.  (She makes the cheers unenthusiastically) F-F-FIL, L-L-LMO,O-O-ORE.

Greg: Come on, Kathy.

Kathy: What?

Greg: Really do it.

Kathy: Are you sure it will be all right?

Greg (giving her the okay signal): Positive.

Kathy: If you say so. (She cheers a little louder) F-F-FIL,L-LMO,O-O-ORE. Fillmore Junior High!

Greg: Louder!

Kathy: F-F-FIL,L-LMO,O-O-ORE. Fillmore Junior High! (Marcia and Warren get distracted as Kathy repeats the cheer with all her energy) F-F-FIL,L-LMO,O-O-ORE. Fillmore Junior High! Yay team, yay team, yay!

(Marcia comes out.)

Greg (clapping): That was terrific, Kathy. that was great.

Marcia: That was a wonderful cheer, Kathy. Warren thinks it’s better than the high school cheer for his first string basketball team. (to Greg) I hope you’re still not sulking about being replaced.

Greg (to Kathy): Would you excuse me, please?

Kathy: Sure.

Greg: Got a second, Marcia?

Marcia: Got all the time you want.

(Greg takes Marcia into the kitchen. Kathy gives a suspicious look.)

Greg (to Marcia): Sulking, that was a dirty trick!

Marcia: Speaking of dirty tricks, how about you inviting miss Rah-rah?

Greg: You started it by bringing over that sardine!

(The rest of the kids are looking through the window at Greg and Marcia’s argument. Carol, Mike and Alice are coming back from the store.)

Carol: Hey kids, what’s going on?

Mike: What’s the big attraction?

Peter: Hi Mom, Hi Dad. Greg and Marcia are really going at it.

Jan: You should hear them.

Bobby: I’ve never seen them so mad.

Carol: About what?

Cindy: About Kathy Lawrence.

Peter: Greg asked Kathy over to bug Marcia for asking warren over to bug him.

Alice: Sounds like an unpopularity contest.

(Mike puts a bag of groceries in Alice’s hands.)

Mike: The whole thing is beginning to bug me.

(Carol also puts a bag in Alice’s arms and follows Mike inside.)

Cindy: Can we listen?

Carol: No, kids, you stay out here.

Bobby: How come we always have to miss the good stuff?

(The kids start walking away, ignoring the fact that Alice has three bags of groceries in her arms.)

Alice: Mayday! Mayday! Anybody?

(Cut back into the living room.)

Marcia: You started the whole thing by trying to boss me.

Greg: Benedict Arnold, that’s who you are.

(Mike and Carol come inside to confront them.)

Greg: Hi.

Mike: Hi. think we better have a little talk.

Marcia: Dad, I have a guest in the family room.

Mike: Your guest can wait.

Greg: And Kathy’s waiting for me…

Carol: Uh, she can wait, too. (They motion for them to march into the family room) After you.

(In the den, Mike is lecturing them.)

Mike: You’ve both been behaving very badly.

Carol: And that’s putting it mildly. can’t you see what you’ve been doing?

Marcia: I was fighting with Greg.

Mike: But there’s something more important here. You’ve involved other people. You’ve been using Warren and Kathy.

Marcia: What do you mean using them?

Carol: Well, you kept on seeing Warren even after you said he wasn’t all that great.

Mike: Yes, did he suddenly get great or was he the best way to get back at Greg?

Carol: I think Warren had the impression that you really liked him.

Mike: What about you, son? Is Kathy Lawrence really your choice for a date or was she the best thorn you could find to put in Marcia’s side?

Greg: I guess there are other girls I’d rather see.

Carol: Can’t you see how selfish and unfair you’ve been to them?

Greg: I don’t know what else to say except I’m sorry.

Marcia: I am too.

Mike: Well, don’t tell us, tell them.

(Outside, Alice is collecting towels around the booth when she climbs to the top to take one of them.)

Marcia: Alice, do you know what happened to Warren and Kathy?

Alice: Well, like you kids say, they split.

Greg: they must have been pretty mad at us.

Alice: No, they didn’t look mad. In fact, they looked kind of chummy.

Marcia: What do you mean chummy?

Alice: Well, he said, hey, how would you like to go to the pizza parlor and she said far out. And she said, how about taking me to the carnival Friday night and he said, far out. They said so long, and I said, far out. I didn’t want them to think I wasn’t on it.

Greg: With it.

Alice: With it.

Greg: How about that?

Marcia: I’m really glad for them.

Greg: Me too. But we still have to apologize. Let’s go down to the pizza parlor.

Marcia: Far out.

(They leave and Alice grabs another towel that is tangled on the lever and it causes her to fall in.)

Alice: Oh, come on, who thought that was funny? Who’s throwing the thing with the baseball/ Hey, that’s kind of nice.

(She splashes around in the water for a few minutes and the scene fades.)

untitled warren and kathy

(The final scene has the family returning home from the carnival with prizes in their hands.)

Alice: Gee, that was a great carnival.

( After a bit of gibberish conversation, Mike shows the family a goldfish he won.)

Mike: What should we do with the goldfish?

Carol: Hey, you should look at it through my magnifying glass. You’ll really think you caught something.

Cindy: Hey, Alice, you didn’t tell us what you got.

Carol: Yeah, Alice.

Alice: Oh, just a pair of those silly kid trick handcuffs.

(They all laugh.)

Carol: All right kids, that’s enough carnival for one night.

Mike: Will you get the lights, Alice?

Alice: Sure, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Okay, good night.

(Everyone goes upstairs while Alice tries unsuccessfully to get the cuffs off her hands.)

                                  THE END

untitled carnival

 

S3 E4 The Wheeler Dealer

dsuntitled greg driving

The Wheeler Dealer

Written by Bill Freedman and Ben Gershman

Greg buys his first car for $100 and learns a hard lesson about caveat emptor. I hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BEADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBYBRADY

CINDY BRADY

EDDIE, Greg’s friend

RONNIE, another friend

(The episode begins with Greg and Mike in Mike’s car. Mike is giving Greg a driving lesson as they drive around town. They come into their driveway as Greg prepares to park.)

Mike: Greg, watch the, watch out for the wagon now.

(Mike pushes it out of the way and Greg starts to park.)

Mike: Don’t go on the grass.

(Greg successfully parks the car.)

Greg: How did I do?

Mike: Well, you did fine. I’m really proud of you.

Greg: You really mean it?

Mike: Anybody who can navigate the Brady obstacle course without a major collision is ready for anything.

Greg: I hope I do as well tomorrow when I take that driver’s test.

Mike: You’ll do fine.

(He gets out of the car as Marcia and Jan come by and laugh at Greg.)

Greg (angry): I wish you kids would keep your junk out of the driveway.

Marcia: Kids?

Jan: Look who’s calling who kids.

Greg: When you’re old enough to drive a car, you’re not a kid anymore.

Jan: Oh, big man.

Greg: For your information, they don’t give a license to just anybody. And in 24 hours, I’m going to have one that says Greg Brady, qualified driver.

Marcia: If you pass the test.

(Greg starts to get out of the car. The girls burst into laughter again.)

Jan: He can’t even unbuckle his seat belt.

Marcia (sarcastically): Great driver.

(Greg glares at them as the scene fades out.)

untitled greg

(The next scene has Alice in the kitchen reading the driver’s manual. Greg comes in.)

Greg: Oh, you’ve got it. I’ve been looking all over for it.

Alice: There sure are a lot of rules and regulations.

Greg: Yeah, you got to learn this whole thing exactly.

Alice: Even if I could learn the written part, I’d still have a problem.

Greg: Why is that?

Alice: I don’t know how to drive.

Greg: You mean you’ve never driven?

Alice: only shopping carts. Over 100,000 miles, only one accident.

Greg: If you want to learn, I could teach you easily.

Alice: Oh, you really think so?

Greg: Oh, sure, come on. (He takes the chairs from the tables) Driver’s seat, passenger seat.

Alice (sitting down): I’ll fasten my seat belt.

(Greg takes a gold dish and uses it for a steering wheel.)

Greg: This will be your steering wheel.

Alice: Mmm, that is one classy steering wheel.

(She pretends to start driving.)

Greg: Hold it.

Alice: What’s the matter?

Greg: You forgot to turn on the engine.

Alice: Sorry.

(She pretends to turn the engine on, then take off.)

Greg: Hold it!

Alice: What’s the matter now?

Greg; You can’t just pull away from the curb without checking behind you. You have a rear view mirror up here and over there, and check over your shoulder.

Alice (checking backwards): Now. (She pretends to start driving and makes a sound like a motor. She laughs) Nice quiet engine.

Greg: You’re doing fine.

Alice: Thank you.

Greg: You better watch it now, Alice. You’re on the freeway.

Alice (frightened): Freeway!

(She panics and hands the plate back to Greg.)

Greg: Alice!

(He hands it back and she pretends to resume driving. Bobby and Cindy come into the kitchen.)

Alice: Look out!

Bobby: What are you doing, Alice?

Alice: I’m driving.

Cindy: In the kitchen.

Alice: No, on the freeway. It’s my first lesson.

Cindy (to Bobby); We better get out of here.

Bobby: Yeah, this is no place for pedestrians.

(Next, Carol looks outside and then closes the door.)

Carol (to Marcia and Jan): I thought I heard the car drive up.

Jan: What’s taking Greg so long?

Marcia: There will be no living with him once he gets his license.

Carol: Well, look Marcia, I wouldn’t tease him if I were you. I mean, you’re going to be getting your license in another year or two.

Jan: Boy, they’ll give a license to everybody.

Marcia: Is that so?

Jan: Yeah.

Carol: Cool it.

(Greg comes home and looks dejected.)

Carol: Hi, Greg.

Greg (glumly): Hi. Dad had to go back tot he office. He said he’d be home in time for dinner.

(He sits down looking upset.)

Marcia: You don’t have to tell us, Greg.

Jan: We can tell by the look on your face.

Carol: A lot of people don’t pass the first time, honey. What did the man say?

Greg: The man (Pause) said to show you this.

(He hands her an envelope. She opens it.)

Carol: Oh, you, it’s your license. Congratulations.

(She hugs him and Marcia and Jan sigh in disappointment.)

Marcia: Boy, that was pretty sneaky putting us on like that.

Jan: But we’ll let you drive us around anyway.

Marcia: Yeah, congratulations.

Greg: Thanks.

(The girls walk away.)

Carol: Oh, that’s great. Well look, you know, I promised you you can drive my car once in a while, and I’m sure your father will let you drive his, too.

Greg: You and Dad don’t have to worry about that anymore.

Carol: What do you mean?

Greg (getting up): Now that I’m an official driver, I’ll buy a car of my own.

(He walks away.)

Carol (shocked): A car of your own?

(Later on, Greg is showing Peter and Bobby some potential cars he might buy in a car magazine.)

Greg: I don’t know which of these cars I’d rather have.

Peter: Boy, are you a dreamer?

Bobby: Yeah, what are you gonna use for money?

Greg: This convertible is groovy, but the hardtop is pretty sharp too.

Peter: Why don’t you get them both, Mr. Moneybags.

Greg: You guys think I’m kidding about getting a car?

Bobby: If you’re not, you’re nuts.

Greg: Just to prove it, Peter, you know my bike?

Peter: Yeah, what about it?

Greg: Now that I’ll be getting a car of my own, I won’t need the bike anymore, you can have it.

Peter: I can?

Greg; Sure.

Peter: What’s the catch?

Greg: Can’t a guy perform a simple act of generosity without being suspected?

Peter: Boy, I always said you were the greatest, didn’t I, Bobby?

Bobby: No, just this morning…

Peter: Who asked you? Thanks, Greg.

Greg: Think nothing of it.

(The next scene has Mike coming in the room to speak to Greg.)

Greg: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hi, say, I hear you’ve been talking about buying a car.

Greg: Yeah, I figured why should I inconvenience you and Mom, always borrowing yours?

Mike: That’s very considerate of you. (He looks at the magazine) Is this the one you had in mind?

Greg: No, but I’m going to try and get something as close to it as I can.

Mike: That’s a pretty fancy machine. A gentle reminder to you, my boy, your name is Brady, not Onassis.

Greg: I’m going to buy it, Dad. Look, I’ve been saving $109.

(He takes the cash out of his pocket to show Mike.)

Mike (proud): Hey, you’ve been adding to it. That’s good. But I want you to promise me one thing, before you buy a car, you let me look at it.

Greg: Sure, Dad.

Mike: How did you mange to save all that?

Greg: It wasn’t easy. I had to give up a lot of the necessities in life.

Mike: Like what?

Greg: Pizzas and French fries and girls.

Mike (laughing): Girls?

Greg; Well, mostly pizzas and French fries.

(Carol and Mike are in his den further discussing the matter.)

Carol: I still don’t like the idea of a 16 year-old owning his own car.

Mike: Well, look honey, you know, we did promise him. And he’s had driver’s education in school, he’s passed his test, and really, he’s a pretty good driver.

Carol: I know, but, why can’t he drive me car or your car?

Mike: In the long run, what difference does it make? Your car, my car, his car. You got to be logical with him.

Carol: I don’t have to be logical, I’m a mother.

(They laugh.)

Mike: Well, honey, anyway, I think you’re worrying prematurely because by the time Greg gets enough money for the kind of car he wants, the 1999 models are going to be here.

Carol: Oh no, he wants to buy a car right now.

Mike: Look, he’s only got 100 bucks. He’s not gonna be satisfied with anything he can get for that.

Carol: Just a hundred dollars?

Mike: Yes, and delusions and grandeur. What kind of a car can he get for $100.

(Next, we see a run down car that reads for sale like new. It belongs to Greg’s friend, Eddie, who wants to sell it.)

Eddie: She’s a beauty, ain’t she, Greg? I’m only selling her because I need a fast hundred bucks. You know, I’ve got 5 or 6 guys just waiting to buy this baby, but it’s such a good deal, I wanted a friend to have it first.

Greg: Thanks, Eddie, I appreciate that. (He checks out the car) There’s an awful lot of chrome missing up and down here, and all these dents.

Eddie: What chrome missing? I got it right here. (He takes a crowbar out) as for these dents, take it to the auto shop at school, they’ll pound them right out for you. (Greg tries unsuccessfully to open the car door) So it sticks a little. When you own a convertible, you don’t use doors, you just jump right in. (He jumps in the car to show Greg) Sports car, right?

Greg: Right.

Eddie: But if you want to do it the regular way, it does work. (He kicks the door open from the inside) You see?

Greg: Eddie, look at this big hole in the backseat.

Eddie: What hole? A little rip. Sew it up, only a dime for needle and thread. Listen to this horn. (He turns it on) The windshield wipers work, the radio…

Greg: Can I hear the engine?

Eddie: Sure, purrs like a kitten.(He turns it on and it makes a rumbling noise. Greg looks startled) Runs a little rough, until she’s warmed up, then she’s great.

Greg: Yeah, I can feel it.

(The engine backfires)

Eddie: The idle just needs to be adjusted. All this baby needs is a little bit of work.

Greg: Eddie, I don’t know.

(Eddie comes out of the car.)

Eddie: Greg, Greg, for a hundred bucks and a little bit of work, you got yourself a car that’s worth maybe $500.

Greg: Think all it will take is a little work?

Eddie: Positive. Tell you what I’m gonna do. (He takes a book out of the car) I’m gonna throw in  repair manual, absolutely free. With this, a 10 year old could fix her up.

Greg (looking at the book): I told my Dad I’d let him look at anything I bought first.

Eddie: What time is it, Greg?

Greg (looking at his watch): It’s 3:20. Why?

Eddie: Car’s gonna be gone by the time you get your Dad here. I got a guy coming in 10 minutes, and with him, it’s a sure sale.

Greg: Eddie, I don’t know.

Eddie: Greg, it’s a great deal. Or would you rather wait 5 or 6 years for a set of wheels.

(Greg stands there pondering. Cut over to the house, where Carol and Alice are in the kitchen. carol is writing down a shopping list with Alice figuring out what they need.)

Alice: Cocoa, sugar.

Carol: Yup.

Alice: Peanut butter.

Carol: Right.

(They suddenly hear the sound of a horrible engine.)

Carol: What on earth was that?

Alice: Sounds like the mating call of a lovesick moose.

(The girls hear it from their room.)

Cindy: What was that?

Jan: It sounds horrible.

Marcia: I know, come on.

(Mike hears the sound from his den, Peter and Bobby from their room. they all go outside to see what the commotion is. It’s the horn of Greg’s new car.)

Greg: Hi.

Mike: Greg, could you turn that thing off.

Greg: Dad, I’m trying, as soon as I get the hood open.

(The hood suddenly opens up.)

Greg: How do you like her?

(The family laughs.)

Carol: Uh, Mike.

Greg: She’s mine, all mine.

(Greg hits down on the rim and suddenly steam rises from the front.)

Alice (jokingly): Head for the hills, the dam has busted!

(The scene fades.)

untitled greg and eddie

(The next scene has Mike and Carol outside examining Greg’s car.)

Mike: Greg, are you trying to tell us that you actually bought this, uh…

Greg: Classic, Dad.

Carol: Mike, do you think it’s safe for him to drive it?

Mike: Honey, I think it’s the safest kind of car you can have. One that’s not going to run.

Greg: A little work and I’ll have this thing running great.

Mike: Listen, I thought you promised me that you were going to let me look at the car before you bought it.

Carol: Yeah.

Greg: I know, but I had to move fast. A lot other guys wanted to buy this thing, but my friend Eddie offered it to me first. It was such a great bargain, I knew you’d understand.

Carol (to Mike): Some friend, that Eddie.

Mike: Yeah. (to Greg) Greg, uh, what did you pay for it?

Greg: 100 bucks. Eddie said it was a steal.

Mike: Yeah, I think it was a steal.

Greg: He even threw in this repair manual. Now with this thing, even a 10 year-old can fix her up. See, it tells you how to boil out a carburator, work on the timing gear, and a lot of stuff about the transmission.

Carol: Well, I think I’ll leave you two mechanics to work out the greasy details. I’ll be back in about an hour to see old faithful blow again.

(She leaves.)

Mike: Well, you think you could get it started so I could hear the engine?

Greg: Sure Dad, yeah.

(He tries opening the door but then remembers about Eddie said to jump in. He hits his leg on the door while doing so. He turns the engine on and it makes a rattling noise.

Greg: How does it sound?

Mike: Like a flock of geese heading south. Sick geese.

(Greg turns the engine off.)

Greg: Yeah, well, Eddie said that’s the idle. Nothing a couple of turns of a screwdriver can’t fix. (He gets out of the car) You know what, Dad? I was thinking, put a new coat of paint on here. Maybe a rally stripe down the front of the hood. Mag wheels, a whip antenna for the radio.

Mike: Don’t you think that’s gonna strain your budget a little bit?

Greg: Well, not if I do all the work myself. It shouldn’t cost much at all.

Mike: Not much more than a new Rolls Royce.

Greg: Yeah, well, maybe I can do a little bit at a time.

Mike: Well, all right. We’ll work it out. You know, it kinda reminds me of an old car my Dad used to have. Matter of fact, I think it is my Dad’s old car.

(Next, Greg has the other kids helping him fix the car up.)

Greg: Jan, you don’t stir paint with a socket wrench. You’ll ruin it, give it to me.

Jan: Okay, here.

(She gives it to him and his hand gets dirty.)

Greg: Thanks a lot. (He sees Peter cleaning off rust) Is all the rust coming off?

Peter: I hope not.

Greg: What do you mean?

Peter: It’s the only thing holding the car together.

Greg: Take it easy.

Marcia: At least the upholstery is clean, Greg.

Greg: Okay, great. Thanks Marcia. Hey, what’s that stuff you’re cleaning it with?

Marcia: Water.

Greg: Black water?

Marcia: it wasn’t black when I started.

(He goes to Bobby and  Cindy., who are at the engine)

Greg: What do you think you’re doing?

Cindy: Cleaning the engine.

Bobby: There’s a lot of grease and gunk in here.

Greg: You don’t clean an engine with a vacuum. Get that out of here. (to himself) Kids.

(He takes the manual and reads it. Alice and Carol are in the kitchen.)

Carol: Hey Alice, what are you cooking? Something new?

Alice: Would you care to guess, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: Well, it certainly smells odd. Cabbage?

Alice: No.

Carol: Well, now I know it’s not brussel sprouts.

Alice: Nope. give up?

Carol: Yes?

Alice: Specialty of the house. Boiled out carburetor ala Greg.

(The next scene has Greg showing the rest of the family his new, but not so improved, car.)

Greg: Listen, I know you never thought I’d get it done.

Carol: That’s true.

Greg: But here it is.

Mike: Well, I have to admit I was a doubting Thomas.

Carol: And I was Mrs. Doubting Thomas.

Greg: I guess I’m just a natural born mechanic. I got the engine running like a watch.

(Alice notices some stuff on the ground next to the car.)

Alice: What’s that? Spare parts for the watch?

Greg: No, I redesigned the engine.

Bobby: That’s just extra junk we didn’t need.

Greg: All right, everybody, you’re about to see the hottest set of wheels this side of Indianapolis.

Carol: Okay.

(He has a hard time getting the cover off the car.)

Peter (worried): I think we put the cloth on before the paint was dry.

Greg: I think it’s just caught in the door here. (He climbs up top to remove the cloth) Here it is, folks. Ta-da.

(He finally remove sit and the family is impressed with how much better the car looks.)

Mike: You’ve certainly done a fine job, son.

Alice: Say, that looks marvelous.

Greg (getting in the car): Wait till you hear the engine. (He starts up the engine) Oh, and I fixed that short in the horn, too. In fact, I rewired all the electrical circuits. Listen to this horn.

(He tries starting up the horn but the windshield wipers start up. Then the trunk of the car starts up.)

Carol: What’s causing that?

(The engine goes off again and steam comes out of the hood again.)

Alice (worried): It’s going mad.

Mike: Hey, you better bail out!

(The next scene has Greg realizing he made a bad investment.)

Greg: Boy, did I ever get stuck with a lemon. A little elbow grease.

Mike: Well, I don’t think a little elbow grease is going to cure rigor mortis.

(he starts to lean up by the car.)

Greg: Careful, Dad, you’re liable to crush the door. Some friend that Eddie.

Mike: Aw, come on Greg. Forget about Eddie. You made a business deal, he got the best of you, that’s all.

Greg: Business deal. That’s the last time I’m gonna do business with a friend.

Mike: I think maybe you learned something about the business world.

Greg: What do you mean?

Mike: Well look, you take sellers, they’ve got something to sell, right?

Greg: Right.

Mike: Naturally, they’re going to make it sound as attractive as possible, even if they have to exaggerate to do it.

Greg: You mean lie.

Mike: Yes, quite often they do. Although they might call it gilding the lily. But the important thing is you’re the buyer, you have to keep your guard up, see. It’s the old principle of caveat emptor.

Greg: Caveat emptor?

Mike: It’s Latin for let the buyer beware. Or to put it in the vernacular, them who don’t look sometimes get took.

Greg: Well, that Eddie took me.

Mike: Yeah, he did. He had you hog tied and happy before you knew it, but you let it happen. Okay, the important thing is that you learned something.

Greg: Don’t worry Dad, have I ever.

(Mike pats Greg’s shoulder.)

Mike: Good boy.

(Peter and Bobby are in their room playing darts when Greg comes in.)

Peter: What were you talking to Dad about?

Greg: Oh, a few of the facts of life, like caveat emptor.

Bobby: What’s that?

Greg: It means let the buyer beware in Latin.

Peter: Yeah, don’t you know anything?

Bobby: Oh, I know Latin. Obby Bay , Aday Bray, that’s Bobby Brady in Latin.

Peter: that’s pig Latin, loser.

Greg: Boy, I sure learned my lesson. When I get rid of that old clunk, this time, I’m the seller. And it’s the other guy that has to do the caveat emptoring.

Peter: How are you going to get rid of it?

Greg: Just find somebody who’s dumber than I am.

Bobby: It isn’t going to be easy.

(Next, Greg has a sign on a car that says Real Sharp, and he’s trying to sell to his friend Ronnie.)

Greg: I knew you were looking for a car, Ronnie. That’s why I called. I want a friend to have this baby.

Ronnie: I don’t know, Greg. It looks kind of an old model.

Greg: Oh, Ronnie, the word isn’t old, the world is classic. In a couple of years, this will be a collector’s item, worth five times what I’m asking for it.

Ronnie: Yeah, you think so.

Greg: Oh, sure. Listen, I got 5 or 6 guys after this beauty. But like I said, I want a friend to have it.

Ronnie: Yeah, I appreciate it, too.

(Marcia and Jan come by.)

Marcia: Hi, what are you doing?

Greg: Just showing Ronnie this little gem here. Tell him how sensational the car is, girls.

Marcia (sarcastically): Sure, sensational.

Jan (in the same tone): Oh, especially when it’s standing still.

(He laughs and pushes them away.)

Greg: Those sisters of mine. Great little sense of humor.

(Ronnie tries to open the door.)

Ronnie: What’s the matter with the door?

Greg: So it sticks a little. Listen, when you got a convertible, who uses doors? You just jump in like it was a sports car, right? Watch this. (He jumps in the way Eddie showed him to) There. Now listen, I want to tell you about these wipers I got in here. I got them hooked up to the horn, it’s fantastic.

(Ronnie attempts to get in and Cindy comes out with leftover parts from the car.)

Cindy: Greg, can I have these?

Greg: Cindy, can’t you see I’m busy?

Cindy: But you said these parts were left over after you tried to fix the motor.

Greg (laughing): Great little sense of humor, nine years old. Cindy, I got a candy bar on my dresser. You can have it.

Cindy (walking away): Thanks.

Greg: Hey Ronnie. why don’t you try it. Come on.

(Ronnie jumps in the car.)

Ronnie: By the way, how’s the engine?

Greg: Great, just great. And listen, I wanted to show you this radio.

Ronnie: Well, can I hear it?

Greg: Sure, but it’s a waste of time. Purrs like a kitten.

(He turns the engine on but it rattles like it had before.)

Ronnie: Sounded kind of funny.

Greg: That’s just the idle. Nothing a couple of turns of a screwdriver can’t fix, huh? Listen, make up your mind, Ronnie. is it a deal?

Ronnie: I don’t know, Greg.

Greg: What time is it?

(Ronnie looks at his wrist and realizes he has no watch.)

Ronnie: I don’t know.

Greg (checking his watch): It’s 4:15, and I got to show this to another guy in 5 minutes. Now, what will it be, Ron? Do you want to miss the lifetime of an opportunity or do you want the car?

(Ronnie has the same look on his face Greg had before he got it. Mike and Carol return home from the store and see Marcia and Jan in the backyard, jumping rope.)

Carol: Hello girls.

Jan: Oh, hi.

Carol: Well, it looks like Greg must have got his car running.

Mike: He must have used artificial respiration. Hey, girls, do you know where Greg went?

Marcia: He was showing the car to some boy, then they drove off somewhere. He was trying to get us to say how great that old wreck was.

Jan: He kept winking at us you know, like that. (She imitates the way he did it) And he even gave Cindy a candy bar.

Carol (to Mike): Well, I wonder what that was all about.

Mike: Hmm, so do I. (They see Peter and Bobby) Boys, did Greg sell his car?

Bobby: Yeah, he called the guy a pigeon.

Peter: He said he was really going to cavit the guy’s eruptor.

Carol (confused): Cavit his eruptor? What…

Mike: I think he means caveat his emptor.

Carol: Caveat emptor? Now, where did they pick that up?

Mike: I had a long talk with Greg about buying and selling, but I’m afraid he learned the wrong lesson.

(Next, Greg is in the den with Mike and Carol, telling them how his day went.)

Greg: Yeah, I really gave him (Ronnie) a hard sell. The chump went for it hook, line and sinker.

Carol: You didn’t lie to him, did you, Greg?

Greg: I gilded the lily pretty good.

Mike: Greg, is that all you got out of that talk we had?

Greg: Sure, that’s what gave me the idea. I figured if I got stuck, why shouldn’t somebody else?

Carol: So you found yourself a pigeon.

Greg: It was a cinch. I had the hundred dollars in my hot little hand and then…

Mike: Then you what?

Greg: And then I let the sucker off the hook. I just couldn’t go through with it.

Carol: You mean you didn’t sell him the car?

Greg (shrugging): I guess I’m a pretty crummy businessman.

Mike: No, no, you’re an honest one.

Carol: Right, but where’s the car?

Greg: Oh, well, I was getting to that. Driving home, it broke down, between Second street and Fifth street.

Mike: That’s a pretty big area, whereabouts?

Greg: All the way. It just kept falling apart.

(They all laugh.)

Carol: Fifth street. Isn’t that over near the junkyard?

Greg: That’s where I sold it. The junkman gave me 50 bucks for it.

Mike: Listen, you lost 50 dollars, but if you learned something, it’s worth it.

Carol: Especially the way it ended. Can you imagine a car falling apart in front of a junkyard?

Greg: Yeah, well, I guess cars are like elephants, Mom. They both knowq where to go when they die.

(He leaves the den and Mike and Carol laughing. The scene fades.)

untitled ronnie

(The final scene has Carol and the girls leaving for their ballet lesson.)

Carol: Now, come on girls, we’re going to be late. In the station wagon.

Jan: We’re hurrying, Mom.

Carol (to Alice): I forgot the ballet class was early this morning. We’ll be back in a couple of hours.

Alice: Right.

(Carol leaves but comes back.)

Carol: I forgot one. Come on, Cindy. (Cindy comes) At a girl.

(Mike comes in the kitchen with golf equipment.)

Alice: Ah, your breakfast is on the table. I hope you wanted eggs.

Mike: Anything’s great, Alice. I’m late for my golf game.

(Greg comes out.)

Greg; Dad, can I use the car, please?

Mike: No, I’m sorry, son. I’m playing  golf this morning.

Greg: Shoot, I’m pitching today, and if they start somebody else, I’ll lose my spot.

Mike: Oh, all right, all right. I’ll get your mother to drive me. (He gives Greg the keys to the car) Here.

Greg: Okay, great. Thanks, Dad.

(He runs off.)

Mike: Listen, be careful, will you?

Alice: Eggs okay?

Mike: Yeah, they’re fine. Alice, listen, do you think Mrs. Brady is ready to go yet? I want her to drop me off at the golf course.

Alice: She’s more than ready to go, Mr. Brady, she’s gone.

Mike: Gone. (He gets upset) Oh no, there goes my golf game.

Alice: Wait a minute. I have a feeling from now on you’ll be needing this more than I am.

Mike: What’s that?

Alice: My bus pass.

Mike: Bus pass?

Alice: Oh, it’s a cinch, Mr. Brady. You take the number two bus to Oak street, then you transfer to the 56 crosstown. Then you take the 18 to the end of the line. And from there on, it’s express all the way.

                                                              THE END