S5 E19 Top Secret

Top Secret

Written by Howard Ostroff

An F.B.I. agent comes to give Mike clearance on a government project he is working on. Bobby has a delusion that Mike is working undercover. I hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

COUSIN OLIVER

SAM THE BUTCHER

FRED SANDERS, F.B.I. agent

MR. GRONSKY, Sam’s landlord

(Bobby is putting up a deck of cards while Oliver watches. After he finishes, they all fall down. The doorbell rings.)

Carol: I’ll get it, boys.

(She answers.)

Sanders: Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Yes.

Sanders: Fred Sanders, Special Agent, Federal Bureau investigation.

Carol (shocked): The F.B.I.?

Sanders: Yes ma’am. Is Mr. Brady home?

Carol: Yes he is. step in please, right this way. (She leads him to the den) Oh, this is my son Bobby and my nephew Oliver. This is Mr. Sanders.

Bobby: Are you really an F.B.I. agent?

Sanders: That’s right, son.

Oliver: Well, who’s in trouble?

Sanders: Nobody is in trouble, young man.

Carol: I think my husband is in the den. This way.

(They head over to the den.)

Oliver: Wow, the F.B.I., right here in our house.

Bobby: I wonder what in the world he wants to see my Dad for.

Oliver: Well, if your Dad’s involved with the F.B.I., it’s got to be something really big.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Sanders in Mike’s den. they are discussing a federal building Mike is working on.)

Sanders: I’m sorry to bother you, Mr. Brady, but I have to clear up a couple of minor points on the form you filled out for your security clearance.

Mike: Oh.

Carol: Security clearance?

Mike: Relax, honey. We’re designing a building for a classified government project. And I have to be cleared by the agency before I can work on it.

Sanders: It’s just routine, Mrs. Brady, the law requires it.

Carol: Aw, shucks, I was hoping Mike was an international spy.

(Next, Mr. Sanders is leaving.)

Sanders: Thanks for your co-operation, Mr. Brady.

(They shake hands.)

Mike: Oh, happy to be of service, Mr. Sanders.

Sanders: And nice meeting you, Mr. Brady.

(He shakes her hand.)

Carol: You too.

Mike: Bubby.

(Mr. Sanders leaves.)

Carol (to Mike): Honey, what is it about those three letters, F,B,I, thta always make me nervous.

Mike (jokingly): Obviously it’s a guilty conscience. Want to tell me about your sorted past?

Carol: I do not.

(Bobby and Oliver come up to them.)

Bobby: What’s up, Dad?

Oliver: Are you working for the F.B.I., Uncle Mike?

Mike: Hold, hold it, you two, no, I’m not working for the F.B.I., so don’t let your imaginations run away with you, huh.

Bobby: Then why was the F.B.I. agent here?

Mike: Bob, it was just a routine visit on a routine matter on a routine job I’m doing for the government.

Carol: Right, and he just wanted to ask your father some routine questions?

Oliver: About what, routine spies?

Mike: Huh, sorry boys, no spies, just a security clearance.

Bobby (thrilled): Security clearance?

Oliver: Wow.

Mike: No, no, there’s no wow about it, now. It’s nothing, so let’s forget about it. Okay.

(Mike and carol walk away. Bobby and Oliver are still puzzled. Oliver taps Bobby and motions for them to step aside.)

Oliver (to Bobby): You know why he wants us to forget it?

Bobby: No, why?

Oliver: Because it must be a secret F.B.I. thing.

(Greg and Peter come down the stairs with the basketball.)

Greg (to Peter): Have you been practicing?

Peter: Yeah.

Oliver: Here comes Greg and Peter.

Bobby: Keep it cool about the F.B.I., huh.

Greg: Hey, you guys want to play basketball?

Bobby: No, thanks.

Oliver: we got more important things to do.

Peter: Like what?

Bobby: Nothing.

Greg: If it’s nothing, how can it be important?

Bobby: Let’s go, Oliver.

(He takes his arm to go upstairs. Peter stops them.)

Peter: Hey, come on. You open the can and I’ll spill the beans.

Oliver: We can’t, it’s a big secret.

Bobby: Oliver, I told you to play it cool.

Oliver: What do you mean? I didn’t say anything about the F.B.I. man coming over here to see us.

(bobby looks annoyed.)

Greg: An F.B.I. man was here, in our house?

Peter: Come on, you two, quit stalling. Spill it.

Oliver: Okay, but you have to keep it top secret. Even Uncle Mike and Aunt Carol are trying to pretend that it neve rhappened.

Greg: What never happened?

Bobby: Well, it’s possible that Dad’s working on an assignment for the F.B.I.

Greg: Now I got a secret for you two.

Bobby: What?

Greg: Come here. (He beckons them close to his face) You’re nuts.

(They laugh and walk off. Alice is taking a pot out of the oven. She is joined in the kitchen by Carol and Marcia,)

Carol: Oh, Alice. Smells delicious. What is it?

Alice: Well, it’s Monday’s corn beef, Tuesday’s rice, Wednesday’s mushrooms and Thursday’s tomatoes.

Marcia: What do you call a dish like that?

Alice: Friday’s mess.

(They laugh and Sam comes in.)

Sam (waving): Hi, everybody.

(They all say hi.)

Carol: Did we order any meat, Sam?

Sam: Not today, Mrs. Brady. This is a personal visit.

Alice: Oh, well, more personal the better.

Sam: I have a favor to ask Mr. Brady.

Alice: That wasn’t the kind of personal I had in mind.

Carol: A favor of Mr. Brady?

Sam: Yes, but I’d rather not discuss it at this time.

Alice: Can you give us a hint?

Sam: Well, I can tell you this much, when the proper time does come, Alice, you’ll be the first to know. Is Mr. Brady home?

Carol: Oh, yes, he’s in the den, Sam, go right on in.

Sam: Thnaks.

(He heads to the den. He leaves the women in suspense.)

Alice: I wonder what it is I’ll be the first to know about.

Marcia: he said it was something personal.

Carol: Requiring a favor of Mr. Brady.

Alice: Mr. Brady is an architect, and architects build things, like houses, honeymoon cottages.

Marcia: Alice, you don’t suppose.

(Sam sees Bobby and Oliver sitting on the steps leading to the den.)

Sam: Hi, fellas. How come you guys haven’t been by the butcher shop lately.

Bobby: Well, we’ve been busy.

Oliver: Yeah, and we’re gonna be even busier.

Sam: Hmm, sounds like you’re working on a pretty big project.

Oliver: Yeah, big.

Sam: Well, I’m working on a big project myself, that’s why I got to see your uncle.

Bobby: What kind of project, Sam?

Sam: Sorry, can’t talk, top secret stuff. See you later, guys.

(Cut back to the kitchen.)

Alice: I’m being carried away. It can’t be.

Carol: Why not?

Alice: I’ve jumped to that conclusion before, and I always fell flat on my rope chest. Nop, I refuse to think about it.

Marcia: Alice, how could you not think about it?

Alice: Will power. I have always been wrong before, and so I won’t think about it.

Carol: You have to be right sometime.

Marcia: And this could be the time.

Alice: Let’s think about it.

(Meanwhile, Bobby and Oliver do some thinking of their own in the living room.)

Oliver: Top secret stuff. Maybe he’s on the F.B.I. mission with Uncle Mike.

Bobby: Oliver, Sam’s a butcher.

Oliver: Hey, what a fantastic cover for an F.B.I. agent. Nobody in the whole world would suspect a butcher.

Bobby: You did.

(We take you to Mike’s den.)

Mike: Well, what’s the favor you need, Sam?

Sam: Well, I need some plans, Mr. Brady. You see. the store next to mine is vacant. and Mr. Gronsky, he’s my landlord, he told me, if I want to enlarge, he’s gonna give me first shot at it. But I have to let him know by Friday.

Mike: Wow, why so soon?

Sam: Well, Gronsky’s got other tenants waiting. You see, but I don’t want to make a decision until I see some plans so I get an idea what it’s gonna cost me. Now, I’d be delighted to pay you for this, Mr. Brady.

Mike: No, that’s no problem, Sam. I mean, Friday’s a bit soon, but’ look, I’ll tell you what I could do, I could make you some very preliminary sketches, and some very rough estimates of what it might cost you by then.

Sam: Oh, gee, that’s terrific, Mr. Brady. That’s great. And one more little favor if I could impose on you, I want you to keep this kind of strictly confidential between us. You see, if this goes through, I want to surprise Alice, let her know I’m a big meat mogul.

Mike: I won’t say a word.

Sam: Oh, great, Mr. Brady. Oh, here, I’d like to show you a couple ideas that I have here. (He lays out a plan on Mike’s desk) Just a couple of little sketches that I made that might help you.

(He points a few ideas as we head up to the girls’ room. Jan is looking in the mirror with Cindy looking on.)

Jan: What can I do to look older?

Cindy: Worry a lot about looking older.

(Marcia comes in the room bursting.)

Marcia (excited): Wait till I tell you the fantastic news.

(Jan and Cindy come up to her.)

Jan: What?

Marcia: You have to keep it a secret.

Cindy: Oh, I love keeping secrets more than anything.

Marcia: You mean you love telling secrets more than anytihng.

Cindy: Oh, come on, I’m older now. You can trust me.

Marcia: How can I be sure?

Jan: Oh, Marcia, trust her already. Or we’ll all bust.

Marcia: Okay, but not a word to anyone. It looks like Sam is finally gonna ask Alice to marry him.

Cindy (excited): That’s great.

Jan: That’s great. How do you know?

Cindy: Did Sam say so?

Marcia: He didn’t have to.

Jan: Did Alice say so?

Marcia: She didn’t have to.

Cindy: Did Mom say so?

Marcia: She didn’t have to either.

Jan: Then who told you they wer egetting married?

Marcia: Nobody.

Jan: That’s good enough for me.

Cindy: Me too.

Marcia: I can’t believe it.

Jan: That’s great.

(Alice is hanging some laundry in the backyard. Bobby and Oliver are hiding in the bushes.)

Bobby: You know, Oliver, you could be right.

Oliver: Well, sure, it all adds up.

Bobby: Yeah, well we better find out more about Sam first. Alice is the person to ask.

Oliver: Like a gorilla.

Bobby: You gotta take it smooth, so she doesn’t know anything.

Oliver: Boy, you sure do know how to operate.

Bobby: Thanks. I used to watch Mission Impossible a lot.

(They go over to Alice.)

Oliver: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi, kids.

Bobby: Hey, you know, we just ran into Sam. What a great guy Sam really is.

Oliver: Yeah, Sam’s super.

Alice: Well, I’m sure he’ll be glad to know he’s got a fan club.

Bobby: How did you happen to meet such a fantastic guy?

Alice: I met him at a dance while he was in the army. I still got a scar on my ankle from those combat boots.

Oliver: Hmm, Sam was in the army, huh..

Alice: Mmm hmm.

Bobby: Did he happen to be in Intelligence?

Oliver: Where all the spies hang out.

Alice: As a matter of fact, I don’t know what Sam did in the army, he never mentions it.

Bobby: Well, I bet you know a lot other things about him. Right?

Alice: Only the important things.

Bobby: Like what?

Alice: Six feet tall, and two hundred pounds of unbudgeable bachelor. Anything else is trivia.

(The next day, Bobby and Oliver visit Sam at his butcher shop.)

Bobby: Hi, Sam.

Oliver: Hi, Sam.

Sam: Hey hey, hiya, kids. What can I do for you?

Bobby: Do you have an order of meat for us to pick up for Alice?

Sam: No.

Bobby: Oh, well, we just thought we’d come by to make sure that you didn’t have one.

Oliver: Well, what’s new, Sam?

Sam: Oh, nothing, what’s new with you?

Bobby: Alice was telling us you were in the army.

Sam (chuckling): Oh, she did, huh.

Oliver: I bet you were a big hero.

Sam: Well, I did my share.

Oliver: Is that all?

Bobby: We kind of expect that you did something really important.

Sam: Say, how would you guys like to hear how I stole the enemy codebook single handed.

Bobby (amazed): You did?

Sam: You betcha. It was in the middle of this enemy camp, see, surrounded by guns and tanks and planes and whatever. I had to overpower three guards to bust in.

Oliver: With karate, huh. (He demonstrates some karate chops.)

Sam: Right. Karate, jujitsu, kung fu, the works. A chop here, a kick there. They never knew what hit them. Then I grabbed the codebook and I took it on the run.

Bobby: Didn’t they capture you?

Sam: Not Sly Sam, pal. I simply borrowed a uniform from one of the guards that I clobbered and I waltzed out. Easy as a pin.

Bobby: Wow. I bet you got a medal for that.

Oliver: Can we see it?

Sam (pondering): Oh, sorry fellas. You see, it was a top secret mission, now, if they gave medals for a thing like that, it wouldn’t be top secret anymore. Now, would it.

Oliver: That’s right.

(He points his finger to his head meaning it was smart. Mr. Gronsky comes in.)

Sam: Oh, hi, Mr. Gronsky. Excuse me, will you, fellas. I got some important business.

Gronsky: You got the plans from Brady yet?

Sam: He won’t have them till Friday.

Gronsky (annoyed): Friday is the deadline, Sam. So if you want to enlarge your…

(SAam interupts.)

Sam: Would you step over here a minute, Mr. Gronsky? (They move a little further from the boys) I don’t want those Brady kids to hear about this, or they might tell Alice.

Bobby (to Oliver): They’re talking about the plans.

Oliver: Yeah, then that guy must be a spy, too.

Bobby: Yeah, for the other side. He wants sam to get the plans away from my Dad.

Oliver: But if that guy is the enemy, Sam must be, too.

Bobby: That’s right, and if he is, then Sam’s working secretly against my Dad. You know what, Oliver?

Oliver: What?

Bobby: Sam’s a double agent.

(They look at him in disbelief as Sam is talking to Mr. Gronsky. The scene fades away.)

(The next scene has Bobby and Oliver coming into their room. Greg and Peter are in there studying and notice them looking around suspiciously.)

Peter: What are you doing?

Bobby: Listen, you guys. Oliver and I think we’re on to something really big and we want to know what you think about it.

Greg: About what?

Oliver: About Sam, the butcher.

Peter: What about Sam?

Bobby: Well, you see, we think he’s working for the F.B.I. and the enemy. He’s a double agent.

Greg: You mean you think he’s selling hamburger to both sides.

(He and Peter laugh.)

Oliver (angry): Come on, we’re serious, you guys!

Peter (laughing): Yeah, seriously sick in the head.

Greg: Hey, why don’t you guys just get off this stupid spy kick.

Bobby: Well, look at the evidence. The F.B.I. comes over to see Dad, then Sam comes over to see Dad about some top secret plan, then today we see this suspicious looking guy in Sam’s butcher shop asking Sam if he got the plan away from Dad yet.

Oliver: Yeah.

Bobby: So Sam must must be secretly working against Dad and the F.B.I.

Oliver: It figures, doesn’t it.

Greg: You know, Pete, I think these two guys may be on to something big at that.

Peter: I think you’re right.

Bobby: What should we do about it?

Greg: Well, you’re gonna have to have enough evidence on Sam to make a conviction stick if they nab him, see.

Oliver: Well, how do we do that?

Greg: The old talcum powder routine.

Bobby: What’s that?

Greg: Come here. (He goes into the bathroom and gets some powder) You see, talcum powder leaves traces in the hair and clothing under certain conditions.

Bobby: What kind of conditions?

Greg: These.

(Greg pours powder on their heads. He and Peter laugh and exit the room.)

Bobby: What a dirty trick.

Oliver: You just can’t trust anybody over 12.

(Sam calls Mike when he is about to leave for work.)

Mike (answering the phone): Hello. Ah, good morning, Sam.

Sam: Good morning, Mr. Brady. I just called up to see if the plans were ready today.

Mike: They’re all ready. I finished them last night.

Sam: Oh, that’s terrific, Mr. Brady. Say, is it okay if I stop by this afternoon and pick them up?

Mike: Sure, I’ll leave them on my drawing board in my den with your name on the envelope.

Sam: Gee, I certainly appreciate this, Mr. Brady. And I want you to know that no matter what it costs, I wanna pay for it.

Mike: Don’t worry about it, Sam. just give me my meat wholesale. Okay. Bye.

(He hangs up.)

Carol: Mike, what is all this business between you and Sam?

Mike: Honey, Sam asked me specifically not to mention it to anybody and I promised him I wouldn’t, I gave him my word. You wouldn’t want me to violate that confidence, would you?

Carol: Yes.

Mike: No.

(Alice is in Mike’s den. She notices the envelope he left for Sam.)

Alice (calling): Mrs. Brady. Mrs. Brady.

(She motions to Carol through the window to come in the den.)

Carol (coming in): What is it, Alice?

Alice: There’s an envelope here with Sam’s name on it.

Carol: Yes, I know. Mr. Brady left it for sam to pick up.

Alice: Did he give you any kind of inkling of what might be inside?

Carol: Not an ink. It’s clammed up like an oyster. Alice, I’m dying to know what’s inside.

Alice: You’re dying, I’m halfway through rigor mortis.

Carol: Well, do you think you should take a little peek?

(Alice ponders for a second.)

Alice: No, I better not. I mean, that’s Sam’s private business and if two people are gonna have any kind of relationship at all, they’ve got to learn to respect each other’s privacy an d trust. (She accidentally knocks the envelope on the floor, then snaps her finger in frustration) Nothing fell out.

Carol: I’ll get it, Alice. (She picks it up but it falls again) Whoops, dropped it. They sure don’t make flimsy envelopes like they used to.

(Alice picks it up.)

Alice: Well, whatever’s in there, I hope it’s got a white, picket fence around it.

(Next, the girls come into the kitchen. They are arguing about something.)

Marcia: Mom, we can’t decide on something, so would you please be the tiebreaker?

Carol: What tie am I breaking?

Jan: Well, we pulled our money, but we can’t decide on a wedding gift for Alice and Sam.

Carol: Oh, now, that’s very sweet of you kids. But we’re not even sure about the wedding yet.

Marcia: Well, just in case. I think we should get them something nice like a kitchen appliance.

Jan: I think they’d appreciate a clock radio.

Carol: what do you think, Cindy?

Cindy: I think we should get them something they really need.

Carol: What?

Cindy: An electric popcorn popper.

Jan: I can see you plan to visit them a lot.

Marcia: Yeah, what do you vote for, Mom?

Carol: None of the above. When it comes to weddings, hold your horses until you’re sure about the groom.

(Sam arrives.)

Sam: Hi, everybody. (They all say ho to Sam) Say, I just stopped by to pick up some plans that Mr. Brady left for me in his den.

Carol: Oh, yes, we’ve been expecting you, Sam. Anytihng special in those plans?

Sam: Very special. Is it okay if I go get them?

Carol: Oh, sure, go right ahead. They’re on Mr. Brady’s desk, in a very strong envelope.

Sam: Oh, thank you.

(He goes for the plans.)

Carol: He’d be so nice to throw rice at, wouldn’t he.

(The girls agree. Sam goes in the den as Bobby and Oliver come down the stairs. They hear a noise from thje den, which is sam dropping a book by accident, while taking the plans. They come inside and see him putting th ebook back.)

Sam: Oh, hi, fellas. I just stopped by to pick something up. I’ll see you guys later, I’m kind of in a hurry.

Bobby (to Oliver): Boy, talk about cool. You see that, he just waltzes in, grabs the plans, and then waltzes right out.

Oliver: That proves it. Sam’s a double agent.

Bobby: Yeah. There’s only one thing to do. You got to warn my Dad.

(They go over to the telephone and Bobby starts dialing.)

Oliver: I only wish we had a push button phone.

Bobby (on the phone): Hello, is Mr. Brady there? Oh, he did (leave)? Oh, no, no message. I’ll call back. (to Oliver) He just stepped out of his office. We’ll have to call back.

(Later on, Mike is back in his office. He gets another phone call.)

Mike: Hello. Oh, yeah, Sam, did you get the sketches?

Sam: I sure did, Mr. Brady, but me and Mr. Gronsky here, we’re confused about a couple of things.

Mike: Oh yeah, what’s that?

Sam: Now, if we knew, we wouldn’t be confused, would we. I mean, we just don’t understand a couple of these fancy sketches.

Mike: Well, look, Sam. I’m just leaving now, why don’t I drop by in say half an hour. We’ll see if we can straighten it all lut.

Sam: Oh, that’ll be terrific, Mr. Brady. I really appreciate it. Bye.

Mike: Bye.

(They hang up.)

Sam (to Gronsky): He’ll be here in half an hour.

Gronsky: Good, I’ll come back. I want to get this thing settled today.

Sam: Fine, fine.

(Back at home, Bobby tries to call Mike once again.)

Bobby: Hello, did Mr. Brady get back? This is his son again? He left again? Did he say where he was going? It’s really important. Oh, thanks, bye. (to Oliver) Boy, have we got a big problem.

Oliver: What?

Bobby: Dad’s on his way to the butcher shop, and if Sam gets ahold of him, we gotta cut him off.

(At the butcher shop, Sam is cutting some meat. Bobby and Oliver rush down there.)

Sam: Hey, hiya fellas. What can I do for you?

Bobby: Has my Dad been here yet?

Sam: Not yet, but I’m expecting him any minute. (He chops the meat again, scaring the guys a little) Oh, that reminds me, I never finished that army story I was telling you stories when you were in here before. Let’s see, uh, where did I leave off? Uh, oh, I remember, I’ve stolen the code book, and I was on my way back to the platoon, see. When suddenly, this enemy general pops up right in front of me, but before he can get his gun, (He puts down his meat cleaver) choppo.

Bobby: Choppo?

Sam (repeating his act) Choppo. I took him completely by surprise. So you see, fellas, if you’re ever in a jam, the element of surprise is your best weapon.

Bobby: Surprise, huh.

(Mr. Gronsky comes back.)

Sam: Oh, hi, Mr. Gronsky.

Gronsky: Hello, Sam. Did that Mr. Brady show up yet?

Sam: Not yet, but I’m expecting him any minute, any minute.

Gronsky: all right. Listen, while we’re waiting, I’ll check out that freezer you were complaining about.

Sam: Good idea. (to the boys) Excuse me a minute, will you, fellas.

Bobby (to Oliver): They must be planning to jump my Dad and lock him up in the freezer.

Oliver: Yeah.

Bobby: Remember what Sam just said, the element of surprise is your best weapon.

Oliver: Yeah.

Bobby: And we got a surprise for them. Come on. Okay, on 3. 1,2,3.

(They shut the freezer door and Oliver locks it. Sam and Mr. Gronsky are inside wondering why they did such a thing. Mike arrives.)

Bobby: Quick, Dad, call the F.B.I.!

Oliver: Sam’s a double agent!

Mike: Say what?

Sam: He sold the plans to Gronsky!

Oliver: And they’re gonna freeze you.

Mike: Hold it, hold it, boys, what’s going on? (Sam and Mr. Gronsky knock on the door from the inside) what are thye doing in the freezer?

Bobby: We locked them in there to save you!

Oliver (pushing him back): You got to get out of here, Uncle Mike.

Mike: I don’t believe this.

(He opens the freezer to let the men out. They come out very cold. Bobby and Oliver look at each other.)

(Next, Sam and Mr. Gronsky laugh heartily.)

Sam: How about that, me a spy.

Gronsky: Me a spy too.

Sam: Yeah, but you’re just an ordinary spy. I’m a double agent.

Mike: Oh, boys, boys, how in the world can you boys believe something like that?

Bobby: Well, we didn’t at first.

Oliver: But, then it got easier.

Sam: I think it’s partly my fault, Mr. Brady. Those army stories I told them were a little exaggerated.

Mike: Well, maybe so, but I hope you boys understand what can happen when you jump to conclusions without getting all the facts.

Oliver: Well, no jumping for me anymore, Uncle Mike.

Bobby: Me neither.

Mike: And locking somebody in the freezer, you know that can be dangerous.

Bobby: Well, we were just gonna keep them in there until you came.

Mike: Well look, don’t lock anybody in anytihng, anymore. Okay.

Bobby: Okay, we won’t. (to sam) Are you sure yopu’re not mad at us.

Sam: No, it’s okay, fellas.

Gronsky: Yeah, forget it boys. (to Sam) Me, a spy. (they laugh) Wait till I tell my wife and kids.

Mike (to Sam and Mr. Gronsky): I’m sorry about the whole thing, fellas.

Sam: Oh, that’s okay, Mr. Brady. But I’ll tell you one thing, this is one spy who’s glad he came in from the cold.

(He and Mr. Gronsky laugh. The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Alice vacuuming the living room. She stops it to answer the door. It’s Sam.)

Alice: Oh, hi Sam

Sam: Hi, Alice. I just stopped by to drop this envelope off for Mr. Brady.

Alice: Sam, you and I have been going together for too long to keep secrets from one another.

Sam: Yeah, I’m sorry, Alice, but I’m just not ready to reveal my secret just yet.

Alice: You implied that I was involved in what was going on.

Sam: Well you are, in a way.

Alice: Then I insist on knowing.

Sam (protesting): Alice!

Alice: I not only insist, I demand…

Sam: Oh, come on, okay, okay. I’m thinking of enlarging my butcher shop and Mr. Brady drew up these plans for me. Uhhh.

Alice (surprised): That’s the big secret?

Sam: So, now you know.

Alice (frustrated): I don’t want to know.

(She takes the vacuum and resumes vacuuming.)

Sam: What do you mean you don’t want to know? Alice, look, we’re not just nestled for ground round. Think of czech briard.

(Alice continues as Sam rants on about his achievement.)

THE END

S5 E18 Two Pete’s In A Pod

Two Pete’s In A Pod

Written by Sam Locke and Milton Pascal

Peter’s new friend arthur ooks exactly like him. I hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

COUSIN OLIVER

ARTHUR, Peter’s friend and lookalike

MICHELLE, Peter’s girlfriend

PAMELA, Mr. Phillips’ niece

(The episode begins at Fillmore Junior High School. Peter is pursuing Michelle, a pretty girl he likes.)

Peter: Think it over real hard. Please, for me.

Michelle: Maybe.

Peter: It’s a costume party. You’ll have lots of fun. Everybody has to be there in a costume. I’m going as Dracula.

Michelle: Well, I’ll think it over. Okay?

Peter: Come on, Michelle, you just got to say yes.

Michelle: Well, I kind of have a date that night.

Peter: Well, you’ll have a much better time at the costume party with me. I’m charming, witty, handsome and very modest. (She laughs) Besides, I’ve been trying to date you practically all semester, and I’m getting a rejection complex.

Michelle; Well, in the interest of mental health, okay.

Peter (excited): You’ll really go with me?

Michelle: I just said I would. Do you want me to have the principal notarize it?

Peter (ecstatic): yes, I mean no, I mean wow. I’ll pick you up at 7 Friday night. Okay?

Michelle: Okay. Bye, Peter.

Peter: Bye.

(Peter is so overwhelmed with ecstacy that he runs to his class. he bumps into another kid.)

Peter: Sorry. (He and the other kid get up from the floor. They take a look at each other and discover they look exactly alike, only the other kid is wearing glasses.) Holy maceral, you look just like me!

Arthur: And you lok like me without glasses.

Peter: My name is peter Brady. What’s yours?

Arthur: Arthur Owens.

Peter: How come we never met before?

Arthur: I just transferred to this school yesterday. Boy, are we gonna drive the teachers out of their skulls.

Peter: Yeah. Hey, are you busy right after school yesterday?

Arthur: No, why?

Peter: How would you like to have a little fun putting someone on?

Arthur: Sure, who?

Peter: My family. It’ll be a real blast.

Arthur: You think we can fool them?

Peter: I don’t know, but think of the possibilities if we can.

Arthur: Yeah.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene begins with Bobby, Cindy and Oliver in the family room. and Cindy playing checkers in the family room. Bobby and Cindy are playing checkers. Cindy makes a move and Oliver shakes his head no. She makes another move and he nods. Peter is watching from outside and Arthur is waiting over at the garage.)

Peter: Okay, Bobby, Cindy and Oliver are in the family room.

Arthur: Oliver’s your cousin, right.

Peter: Right, you know who everybody else is. Now go in and see if you can fool them and come right back out.

Artur: Okay.

(He takes his glasses off and puts them in his pocket. Cindy makes another move and Oliver nods.)

Bobby: Hey, no coaching Oliver. I saw you shake your head.

(Alice looks over thought he kitchen and Arthur comes in.)

Bobby: Hey, Pete, you wanna play the winner?

Arthur: No thanks, checkers is a drag.

Cindy: Since when?

Bobby: Yeah, you’re a checkers freak.

Arthur: Oh, what I mean is, I used to like checkers.

Alice: Hey Peter, come here, I want you to do me a favor.

(He comes in the kitchen.)

Arthur: What’s the favor?

Alice: A flavor favor. I need your expert pie tasting ability. How big a hunk can you handle?

Arthur: The hunkiest. (She cuts him a piece of lemon pie) I’d rather have cherry.

Alice: But I made this lemon pie especially for you. Cherry makes you break out in a rash. Remember.

Arthur: It does? Oh, it does. Right, a rash.

Alice: Guess you forgot because it’s been so long since you scratched.

Peter: Well, I’ll live dangerously. I’ll have the piece of cherry anyway.

Alice: Well, it’s our itch. If anybody needs me, I’ll be in the laundry room unwrinkling a wrinkled Prue shirt.

9He has his pie and waves to Peter, who is watching from outside. Greg and Marcia come by.)

Marcia: Hey, Pete, you want to go with us?

Greg: Larry invited us over for a swim.

Peter: I don’t swim.

Greg: Are you kidding? You’re a good swimmer.

Peter: I mean, I don’t swim when I don’t feel like swimming. You and Jan go along.

Marcia: Jan?

Peter: Did I say Jan?

Greg: On second thought, maybe it’s a good thing you’re not going swimming, Pete. Your brain’s waterlogged.

(They go outside and walk by Peter but don’t see him.)

Greg (to Marcia): Peter’s sure acting strange.

(Jan comes out to Arthur.)

Jan: Peter, Peter, you promised to help me with my algebra.

Arthur: Wow, you sure are pretty.

Jan: Cut the corny compliments. You still have to help me.

Arthur: I’ll help ypou anytime.

Jan: Well, you sure have changed.

(Carol is walking down the stairs and the phone rings.)

Carol: I’ll get it. (she answers) Hello. Oh, hello, Mr. Phillips. Oh, no, I’m sorry. Mike isn’t home yet. Yeah, I see.

(Mike comes through the door.)

Mike: Hello.

Carol: Oh, hold on a second, Mr. Phillips. Mike just walked in. (she hands him the phone) Honey, it’s Mr. Phillips, he has a problem about Friday night.

(They kiss and he takes the phone.)

Mike: Hello, Mr. Phillips. Yeah, oh yeah. I see. Ah, well, Peter’s 15. It wouldn’t be a problem at all if he’s not busy. Hang on a second, I’ll ask him right now. (He calls) Peter, Peter!

Jan (to Arthur): Peter, Dad’s calling you.

Peter: Oh, yeah. Yeah, Dad.

Mike: You free Friday night?

Arthur: Yeah, I guess so.

Mike: How would you feel about entertaining my boss’s niece? She’s visiting from outta town.

Arthur: Sure, I guess it’s okay.

(Mike gets back on the phone.)

Mike: Mr. Phillips, it’s all set. Your niece has a date Friday night with a very eligible bachelor.

(He gets back to helping Jan.)

Arthur: That’s the right answer, Jan.

Jan: Good. Will you help me with something else?

Arthur: I’d love to.

Jan: You’re sure a new Peter Brady. I’ll be right back.

(Peter motions to Arthur to come outside.)

Arthur: Fantastic!

Peter: Didn’t anybody get suspicious?

Arthur (putting his glasses on): I fooled them all, even your Dad.

Peter: That’s great.

Arthur: Next time let’s try it on my folks.

Arthur: okay, I’ll see you in school tomorrow.

Arthur: Okay.

(Peter goes inside where the younger kids are playing.)

Peter: Hey, how about me playing the winner.

Cindy: But you said checkers was a drag.

Oliver: Yeah, you said checkers was a drag.

Peter: I did? (Bobby nods) Well, I just undragged it.

(He goes into the kitchen.)

Bobby: I was wrong. He’s not a checkers freak, he’s a freaky freak.

(Peter goes to cut a piece of lemon pie and Alice comes out.)

Alice: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Peter; Hi, Alice. Boy, am I starved.

Alice: One piece of pie before dinner is enough?

Peter: Right, I’ll only have one piece.

Alice: Which you have already had.

Peter (disbelievingly): I had?

Alice: Don’t give me that innocent look, and don’t blame me if you get a rash.

Peter: A rash! From what?

Alice: You know from what. That piece of cherry pie you ate.

Peter: Huh. Oh, yeah, that. you’re right, I shouldn’t have eaten it. I’m getting itchy already.

Alice: Did you change your shirt?

Peter: No, why?

(She walks off and Jan comes by.)

Jan: I’ll really appreciate your help, Peter.

Peter: What help?

Jan: That you’re gonna give me on this composition.

Peter: You got to be kidding. Next time, ask first.

Jan (disappointed): I knew it couldn’t last.

(She goes in the family room and Peter sneaks a piece of pie.)

(Cut to the living room. Mike and carol are discussing plans for a banquet for Mr. Phillips.)

Mike: Not only am I stuck with being the master of ceremonies at the banquet in Mr. Phillips’ honor, but we drew straws at the office, and I’m in charge of buying a gift. Got any suggestions?

Carol: Oh, I know exactly what to get him, something with exquisite taste, that he absolutely loves, and that he can really use.

Mike: What else?

Carol: I’ll leave the details to you.

Peter (coming around): Hi.

Mike: Hi, Peter that was very nice of you and I appreciate it.

Peter: That’s okay. (Pause) What was nice of me?

Mike: Offering to entertain Pamela Friday night.

Peter (surprised): Pamela?

Mike: Mr. Phillips’ niece who’s visiting from out of town. You said you’d do it.

Peter: I did?

Mike: Yes, you did.

Peter: This Friday night?

Carol: Peter, are you all right?

Peter: Yeah, it’s just that I already got a date Friday night.

Mike: Well then why didn’t you say that before?

Peter: I wasn’t exactly myself before.

Carol: Peter, look, if you said you’d do it, you have to. You can’t disappoint Mr. Phillips.

Peter: But I can’t cancel out Michelle, not after 6 months of hard labor trying to get a date.

Mike: Switch it.

Carol: She’ll understand.(We next see Peter calling Arthur.)

Arthur: Hello.

Peter: Hello, Arthur. It’s me, Peter. (more sternly0 Peter Brady.

Arthur: Oh, hi, Peter. I’m glad you called. I forgot to tell you something this afternoon.

Peter: Boy, you sure did.

Arthur: I know about your date this Friday.

Peter: Thanks to you, I got two dates. I’m really in a spot.

Arthur: I’m really sorry. I wish I could help you out.

Peter: So do I. I’d have to be twins (Pause) Hey, did you hear what I just said?

Arthur: Yeah, what?

Peter: One of me am twins and one of me is named Arthur.

Arthur: What do you mean?

Peter: Well, you made a date with Pamela, right? Well, you’re gonna keep that date and I’m gonna keep my other date with Michelle?

Arthur: I don’t know, Peter.

Peter: You got me into this, you gotta get me out. It’s only fair.

Arthur (sheepishly): Yeah, I guess so. Okay.

Peter: Super, I’ll handle all the details.

Arthur: What time Friday?

Peter: I have to pick up Michelle around 7, so get here a little bit before, and wear the same thing as me, a white tee shirt and blue jeans. Okay?

Peter: Okay. Boy, I sure hipe nothing goes wrong.

Peter: Will you relax, what could possibly go wrong?

Arthur: Bye.

Peter: Bye. (He hangs up, to himself) Peter Brady, you’re some kind of genius.

(The scene fades.)

(In the next scene, Mike is in the family room with Carol. Alice and Greg.)

Mike: Oh, first of all, I should explain that this is not an ordinary banquet honoring Mr. Phillips, right. This is a roast. You know, instead of saying nice things about the guest of honor, your speech is insulting.

Alice: You’re gonna insult your own boss?

Mike: Humorously.

Alice: Let’s hope the next day you don’t humorously show up at the unemployment office.

Carol: Oh no, Alice, Mr. Phillips has a great sense of humor.

Greg: Oh sure, that’s why he hired an architect like Dad.

Mike: This is supposed to be aroast for my boss, not for me.

Carol: Honey, can we hear your speech?

Mike: Yes, yes. (He reads) Ladies and gentlemen.

Carol: Oh, terrific.

Mike: You like the opening, do you. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s only fitting that we honor Mr. Phillips tonight, because Mr. Phillips has come a long way in the past 25 years. The first building Mr. Phillips ever designed was so shaky that the termites had to hold ants to keep it from collapsing. (Alice laughs out loud but Carol and Greg don’t) Don’t you get it?

Greg: Sure.

Mike: And the walls were so thin that if you stripped off the wallpaper, you’d be in the next room.

(Alice laughs heartily again.)

Alice: Gee, Mr. Brady, you’re a sfunny as Bob Hope and Milton Berle.

Carol: He ought to be, those are their jokes.

(She and Greg laugh.)

Mike: Maybe I ought to go on the road with this material after the banquet.

Carol: No, I think you ought to go on the road before the banquet. (They all laugh again and an offended Mike walks out) Oh, we’re only kidding. Come back, Mike.

(Marcia is in her room combing her hair and Peter comes in.)

Peter: Hi, Marcia, how’s my favorite sister.

Marcia: Suspicious. I’m only your favorite sister when you want something.

Peter: What could I possibly want. I’m just a loving brother who’s willing to pay his loving sister’s way to a movie tonight, and I’ll even let her bring Jan, Bobby, Cindy and Oliver with her.

Marcia: No thanks.

Peter: You don’t have to answer me so fast. Think it over.

Marcia: I’ve already got a date, Peter. Greg has too. And besides, you don’t have to worry about us butting in on your date with Pamela.

(Marcia gets up an dleaves while Peter gives the struck out signal. Jan comes in from the bathroom.)

Peter: Hi, Jan, how’s my favorite sister?

Jan: I already heard, so you could stop the baloney.

Peter: Suppose you got a date, too.

Jan: Yeah, to take Bobby, Cindy and Oliver to the movies if you’re really paying.

Peter (excited): I’m paying, thanks.

(We take you to outside, where Peter tries to persuade the younger kids to go to the movies that evening.)

Cindy: Sorry, Pete, we want to stay home and watch TV tonight.

Peter: But there’s a real good movie playing.

Bobby: We might change our minds, if the movie included certain other things.

Cindy: yeah, certain other things.

Oliver: I’m with them.

Peter: I said I was buying the tickets.

Bobby: Well, watching a movie without popcorn can be pure torture.

Cindy: The worst kind.

Peter: Okay, I’ll throw in the popcorn.

Oliver: With butter/

Peter (bitterly): With butter?

Bobby: Well, you got to have something to wash it down with. Right, you guys?

Oliver: Yeah, you can’t just let it stick there.

Peter: Okay, you can have ice cream, too.

Bobby: Ice cream. Hey, thanks for reminding me. I meant soda pop.

Peter (angry): Compared to you three, Jesse James was a choirboy!

(Next, Alice is showing Peter what food they have in the refrigerator for him and his date.)

Alice: Okay, we got sandwiches, fresh fruit, what’s left of the pie, pudding, three kinds of soft drinks, some mixed nuts. Do you think you and Pamela could struggle along on that?

Peter: That should be enough for a light snack. (Alice laughs) Thanks, Alice.

Alice: You’re welcome. If you and Pamela need me, I’ll be in my room watching the early show, the late show or whatever comes in between.

Peter: Good. I mean, I’m sure we won’t need anything.

Alice: Okay.

(Mike and Carol are leaving for the banquet.)

Mike (calling): Peter, we’re leaving.

Carol: Peter, aren’t yopu going to change? Mr. Phillips will be dropping Pamela off soon.

Peter: Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll be ready for her.

Mike: Well, have a nice time, son.

Peter: I know I will. I hope Pamela does too.

(He laughs.)

Carol: Good night, Peter.

Peter: Good night.

(Later on, Pete ransweres the door for Pamela, who just got dropped off.)

Pamela: Thanks, Uncle Ed. (to Peter) Hi, I’m Pam Phillips.

Peter: Hi, I’m Peter Brady. Come on in. It’s nice meeting you.

Pamela: You too. Thanks for having me over.

Peter: That’s okay. You want to listen to some records?

Pamela: Sure, I’d love to.

Peter: The record player is back in the family room. (The phone rings) Straight through the kitchen. Make yourself at home, I’ll be right with you.

Pamela: Okay.

(Peter answers the phone. It’s Arthur.)

Peter: Hello.

Arthur: Hi, Peter. it’s me, Arthur.

Peter: Where are you? You’re supposed to be here.

Arthur: I’m still at home. I’m gonna be a little late.

Peter: Well, Pam just arrived and I’m supposed to pick up Michelle in half an hour.

Arthur: Look, I can’t leave my kid sister unitl my folks get home.

Peter: Well, how long will that be?

Arthur: I’m not sure.

Peter: Well, get here as fast as you can. I’ll call Michelle and stall her.

(They hang up. Peter goes to call Michelle and the doorbell rings again. Peter goes to answer it.)

Michelle: Hi, Peter. Surprise.

Peter (impulsively): Michelle!

(He slams the door in her face and blocks the door so Pamela wouldn’t see her. Michelle hits the door and he opens it.)

Michelle (offended): What kind of a welcome do you call that?

(Peter comes outside with her.)

Peter: Sorry, it’s just that surprises are pretending to surprise me. What are you doing here?

Michelle: My brother dropped me off to save you a trip. I thought thta was very thoughtful.

Peter (sarcastically): Yeah, very.

michelle; Where’s your costume?

Peter: Oh, it’s right inside. I’ll go put it on.

(He rushes inside nd shuts the door. Michelle knocks and he opens th edoor.)

Michelle: Peter, aren’t you gonna let me in?

Peter: Oh yeah, come on in. My costume’s right in here. (He gets it out of the closet) I’ll go put it on. You wait right here in the living room. You can watch TV while you’re waiting.

Michelle: Well, don’t be long.

(She goes to sit on the couch.)

Peter: Don’t sit there. The view is much better from over there (the chair). Oh, there’s a great movie on TV, you’ll love it. But, don’t you move out of that seat.

Michelle: Why not?

Peter: I just wouldn’t want you to miss any of the movie, that’s all. Be right back.

(He rushes out of the living room and Michelle looks confused. He puts his costume in the broom closet in the kitchen. He then goes back to Pamela.)

Peter: Hi. sorry I took so long. Somebody came to the door right after the phone. (He closes the window screen) You know, a salesman.

Pamela: Peter, what are you doing?

Peter: It’s to close out a draft, I just got over a cold. (He fakes a cough and turns on the record player) How’s that?

Pamela: Super, let’s dance.

(They start to dance but Peter fakes a knee injury.)

Pamela: What’s the matter?

Peter: My knee. An old football injury. I better go take a look at it.

Pamela: Let me help you.

Peter: No, no. I mean, I just met you. I couldn’t let you look at my naked knee.

(Peter rushes into the broom closet to put his costume back on. Pamela waits in the family room and Michelle is still in the living room watching television. Just as he goes to join Michelle, Alice comes out for a snack.)

Peter (to Michelle): Good evening, I want to bite your neck.

(Michelle laughs.)

Michelle: That’s really neat, Peter. You make a fantastic Dracula. Let’s go now, huh.

Peter: Oh, uh, what’s the hurry? Let’s have a glass of blood. I’ll go get a cold drink.

(He goes back into the kitchen andsees a surprised Alice.)

Alice: Peter, what in the world is that?

Peter; I’ll explain later, Alice. Right now I need a bottle of pop.

Alice: Just remember to be back in your box of dirt by dawn.

(alice goes inside and Peter gets out of his costume. Pamela comes out to see how he is.)

Pamela: Peter.

(She tries to open the door but he pushes it shut.)

Peter: Wait a minute, Pamela. This knee’s a pretty messy sight.

Pamela: Are you okay?

Peter: I’ll pull through. I’ll be right there.

(He puts his costume back in the closet but forgets to take his wig off.)

Peter: Hi, I’m back.

Pamela: Peter, your hair.

Peter: My hair? (she realizes he left the wig on) Oh, my hair. It’s just a little joke. I’m always making jokes. How about a cold drink.

Pamela: Well, I really don’t feel….

Peter: Swell. I’ll be right back.

(Peter takes his costume out and puts it on again. Alice opens the door and watches him in disbelief. He goes back outside with Pamela.)

Michelle; My dear, Count Dracula has returned.

Michelle; Peter, I really don’t want to miss any of that party.

Peter: Don’t worry, it’ll be going on for hours. (The bell rings) On the other hand, let’s leave right after I get the door.

Michelle: Peter, you’re acting kind of weird.

Peter: Us vampires are supposed to be weird.

(He answers the door and it’s Arthur.)

Arthur: Hi.

(Peter comes outside to speak to him.)

Peter: Boy, am I glad to see you. Go around the back and come in like you did last time.

Arthur: You mean where the kids were playing checkers?

Peter: Right. Pamela’s there. Keep her entertained and I’ll meet you out back in a couple of hours.

Arthur: Gotcha.

Peter: And take off your glasses.

Arthur: Right.

(He takes them off and goes in the family room from the back. Peter comes back inside.)

Peter: Just a girl scout selling cookies.

Michelle: Can we go now, please?

Peter: Sure. Just let me get the tickets from my wallet.

(Meanwhile, Arthur comes in the family room.)

Arthur: Hi.

Pamela: But you just went that way. (the kitchen door)

Arthur: Well, it’s bad luck the enter a room the same way you went out. It’s an old superstition.

Pamela; Well, I never heard of it.

Arthur: Well, that shows how old it is. You wanna dance?

(They dance.)

Pamela: Is your knee okay?

Arthur: Sure, why?

Pamela: I thought you hurt it playing football.

Arthur: Whatever gave you that idea?

(Carol and Mike come in.)

Mike: Hi, kids.

Carol: Hi, we’re Peter’s parents.

Pamela: I’m Pamela Phillips.

Mike: We’ll be right out of your way. i forgot the notes to my speech.

(They head to the kitchen.)

Carol (to Mike): She’s cute, isn’t she?

Mike: Yeah.

(They see Michelle watching television.)

Carol: Hello.

Michelle: Hi.

Mike: I don’t think we’ve met.

Michelle: I’m Michelle. Are you Peter’s parents?

Carol: That’s right.

Michelle: I have a date with Peter tonight.

Carol: Peter Brady?

Michelle: We’re going to a costume party.

(Peter comes down the stairs and sees a confused Mike and Carol.)

Peter: Hi.

Carol: Mike, I’m seeing double.

Peter: I guess I better strat from the beginning.

Carol: Yes, especially for those of us who came in after the picture started.

(Next, Peter is explaining the situation to Carol.)

Peter: Well, it was Arthur who made the date with Pamela in the first place, and Arthur kept the date with Pamela in the second place. So what’s the harm?

Carol: The harm is in the third place. I mean, you tried to put one over on pamela.

Pamela: I don’t mind, Mrs. Brady. I’m really glad it worked out this way. Arthur likes to danc enad he’s got two good knees.

Michelle: I don’t mind either, I’m flattered to think Peter would go through so much trouble to keep our date.

Carol: Well, as long as everybody’s happy, I guess that’s all that counts.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Carol and Alice in the kitchen the next morning.)

Alice: Good morning, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Good morning, Alice.

Alice: Did you have a nice evening?

Carol: Oh, it was fun. How about you?

Alice: Well, not so fun. Seeing Peter in that Dracula outfit made me have a horrible dream.

Carol: Oh, I’m sorry, Alice. What was the dream about?

Alice: First I dreamed I was carried off by Dracula, then I was carried off by the Wolfman, then I was carried off by Frankenstein’s monster.

Carol: Oh, Alice, that is horrible.

Alice: That wasn’t the horrible part.

Carol: What was?

Alice: While I was proposed.

THE END

S5 E17 Welcome Aboard

Welcome Aboard

Written by Larry Rhine and Al Schwartz

Carol’s nephew, Oliver, moves in with the Bradys. Much to the chagrin of the kids. I hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

COUSIN OLIVER

MR. DOUGLAS, manger of movie studio

DIRECTOR

KEYSTONE COP

TRUCK DRIVERS

(The episode begins with Mie coming home from work. Bobby and Cindy are playing checkers in the family room.)

Mike: Hi, kids. Who’s winning?

Bobby: I’ll give you a hint. Me.

Mike: Uh, hang in there, Cindy.

(He comes into the kitchen and sees Carol.)

Carol: Hi, honey. (They kiss) Did you have a good day?

Mike: Oh, about the same as usual. How about you?

Carol: Well, not quite as usual as usual.

Mike: That’s unusual. Wanna tell me what made it not as usual as usual?

Carol: Well, I merely found out we’re gonna have an addition to the family.

Mike (shocked): We’re gonna have a what?

Carol: Well, six kids plus one kid equals seven kids.

(Bobby and Cindy hear this while Mike is too overwhelmed to speak.)

Carol; Well, aren’t you gonna say something?

Mike: My mouth is willing but the rest of me is too numb to co-operate. Honey, are you sure? I mean, are you really sure?

Carol: Positive. Are you sure that a man in your condition should be carrying that heavy briefcase?

(They walk to the living room.)

Bobby (to Cindy): Did you hear that? Mom’s gonna have a baby.

Bobby (excited): Wow, wait till the other kids find out.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike and carol in the living room.)

Carol: Kinda shocked, aren’t you.

Mike: I didn’t even see a jar of pickles in the living room. When are we expecting?

Carol: Tomorrow, and it’s gonna be a boy.

Mike: Okay, Carol. Come on, what’s really going on here?

Carol: Oh, honey, I was just trying to be funny, but we are gonna have an addition to the family. That is, if you approve.

Mike: What did the kids bring home this time, a stray elephant?

Carol (laughing): No, it’s my nephew, Oliver. Can he come and stay with us for a while?

Mike: Oliver, how come?

Carol: Jack’s being sent to South America on an engineering project, and he’s taking pauline with him.

Mike: Can’t they take Oliver with him?

Carol: Well, they wanted to very much, but it’s a jungle area and there aren’t any schools. Honey, after all, Oliver is 8.

Mike: yeah.

Carol: Well, what do you think?

Mike: I think I’ll get some 8 year old cigars to pass out at the office.

(Cindy goes upstairs to tell Marcia, Jan and Alice.)

Cindy (excited): I got the most fantastic secret in the whole world!

Marcia: Cindy, we’re doing our homework.

Jan: Can’t your secret wait.

Cindy: Only for nine months.

Alice: What’s that supposed to mean?

Cindy: It means that Mom’s gonna have a baby.

Alice: A baby?

Jan: What?

Marcia: How did you find that out?

Cindy: Well, my ears just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I heard her tell Dad.

Jan: That’s really wild.

Marcia: Super.

Alice: It’ll be like old times. I used to be a pretty good burper.

Marcia: We better not let Mom know we know until she wants us to know. You know?

Jan: Yeah, you understand, Cindy?

Cindy: Mmm mmm.

Alice: I’ll sum it up for you in two words, sweetheart.

Cindy: What?

Alice: Don’t blab.

(They all laugh.)

Jan: A baby.

Marcia: I can’t believe it.

(Bobby goes up to the attic to tell Greg and Peter. They are practicing guitar.)

Bobby: Hey you guys, have I got great news!

Greg: What?

Bobby: Mom is gonna have a baby.

Greg: A baby?

Peter: Are you sure?

Bobby (raising his hand): May I never read a comic book again.

Peter: He’s sure!

Bobby: But don’t tell Mom I told you, huh.

Greg: Okay. (Bobby runs out) What do you know?

Peter: Wow, a baby. Here. (He hands Greg the guitar) I can’t practice at a time like this, I’m an expectant brother.

(He runs out of the room excited while Greg rocks the guitar. Carol and Alice are in the kitchen. Carol prepares to take a bowl of salad to the dinner table.)

Alice (stopping her): Ehh, don’t do that, Mr. Brady.

Carol: Why not, Alice?

Alice: Well, salad for nine is a lot, and I used a very heavy dressing.

(Alice brings the bowl out and a clueless Carol goes to get plates. Marcia and Jan come in.)

Marcia: Mom, you shouldn’t be doing that.

Jan: Let us set the table. Take it easy.

Carol (confused): Are you two volunteering to help? Are you sure you’re feeling all right?

Marcia: That’s the question we should be asking you.

(Alice comes back to the kitchen.)

Carol: Alice, is there something going on around here that I should know about?

Alice: Well, if you don’t know about it, Mrs. Brady, nobody does.

Carol: What do you mean?

Alice: Nothing.

(Bobby and Cindy come in.)

Cindy: Hi, Mom.

Carol: Hi.

Bobby: You look great.

Cindy: Better than you ever did.

Carol: Okay, this is beginning to sound like operation snow job. Did report cards come in today?

Cindy: Mmm mmm.

Bobby: We just want you to know how happy we are about you looking so good.

(They take off.)

Carol: Alice, what’s for dessert?

Alice: Why, did you have a craving for something special? Watermelon alamode, maybe?

Carol: Watermelon alamode? That is a weird combination, Alice.

Alice: Yeah, but did you have a craving for it?

Carol: Okay, I demand to know what’s going on around here.

Alice: Well, if you insist, Mrs. Brady, we know about the new family addition and we’re all very happy about it.

Alice (happy): Oh, you heard about Oliver.

Alice: Oliver, wouldn’t that be kind of a funny name if it were a girl?

Carol: Wait a minute. Is this family under the impression that I’m gonna have a baby?

Alice (nodding): Aren’t you under that imnpression?

Carol (laughing): Oliver is my nephew, and he’s just coming to live with us for a while.

Alice: Oh, well, in that case, I better make a fast phone call and cancel that order.

Carol: What order, Alice?

Alice: The teeny, tiny, tot diaper service.

Carol (laughing): Wait till those girls find out they set the dishes for nothing.

(Next, Carol is telling the kids about Oliver.)

Carol: Remember, kids, Oliver is an only child so it may take him a while to get used to having six brothers and sisters around.

Greg: We’ll make him feel right at home.

Marcia: Sure, Mom.

Carol: I’m so glad you kids are happy he’s coming to stay with us.

Bobby: Hey, Cindy, now you and me won’t be the youngest. We’ll have somebody to push around.

Carol: Bobby.

(Mike arrives with Oliver.)

Mike: Here we are.

(Carol gives him a big hug and all the kids greet him.

Carol: Oh, Oliver. Welcome to your new family.

Oliver: Thanks, Aunt Carol.

Bobby: Hey, Oliver, let’s play basketball.

Cindy: No, let’s go on the swings.

Mike: Hey, kids, kids, he’s not a wishbone.

Oliver: It’s okay, Uncle Mike. I like being popular.

Peter: Hey, Oliver. You moved in at a great time. We’re going on a tour of a movie studio Saturday.

Oliver: Wow, I should’ve moved in with you guys years ago.

Bobby: Come on, Oliver. Let’s go outside.

(The kids lead him to the backyard.)

Carol: Oh, Mike, I think Oliver is gonna be very happy here.

Mike: Well, the kids are giving him a warm welcome.

(Jan and Cindy are in their room. Jan is painting a picture and Oliver comes in.)

Oliver: Can I watch?

Jan: Sure. Cindy, hand me those brushes.

Oliver: Oh, I’ll get them.

(He runs over but accidentally knocks over Jan’s painting.)

Jan (upset): Oliver, you ruined my painting!

Oliver: Gee, I’m sorry, I was only trying to help.

(He hands Jan the brushes. Meanwhile, Greg is downstairs in the kitchen making a cold cut sandwich.)

Greg: Alice, you certainly feed us well.

Alice: Be careful you don’t build that too high, the city has built an earthquake fault.

Greg: I’ve only just begun.

(He shakes the ketchup bottle, without any luck. Oliver comes in.)

Oliver: Can I help?

Greg: No thanks, I’ll get it.

Oliver: No, I’m real good at ketchup. You gotta hit the botlte real hard, like this.

(He hits the bottom three times but accidentally gets some on Greg’s shirt.)

Alice: You think you got the hang of it now, Greg?

(Next, Bobby is in the backyard. He just finished mowing the lawn and is putting it in the bag. Oliver comes to him.)

Oliver: Can I help?

Bobby: No, it’s all right, Oliver. I can handle it.

Oliver: But I’m one of the family. I’m supposed to help.

Bobby: Oliver, it’s okay. I can get it.

Oliver: Well, if you insist.

(He lets go and Bobby goes flying. He lands on a flower pot, breaking it.)

Oliver: Oh, gee, I’m sorry. I was just trying to help.

Bobby: It’s alright, the worst Dad can do is kill me.

(Later on, Carol is in the family room, knitting  an afghan. Mike comes in.)

Carol: Well, what do you think?

Mike: What is it?

Carol: It’s a six foot afghan.

Mike: You’re short a few feet.

(Oliver comes in.)

Oliver: Uncle Mike, Aunt Carol, can I say something?

Carol: Sure.

Mike: Sure you can. Go ahead, what is it?

Oliver: Well, I just wanted to say good night and thank you for letting me stay here with you guys.

Carol: Oh, Oliver, we’re so thrilled to have you here with us.

Mike: We sure are.

Oliver: You go on upstairs and get into bed and we’ll be up in a minute to tuck you in. And you know what, tomorrow we’re gonna help you write a letter to your mommy and daddy. I bet you miss them, huh.

Oliver: Yeah, but when you get to be as big as I am, you get to understand these kind of things.

Mike: We figured you would.

Oliver: Anyway, I really like it here. It’s super. Good night.

Carol: Good night. (Oliver walks away but the yarn from the afghan goes with him) Oliver, Oliver, stop.

Oliver: Gee, I’m sorry. It got tangled around my foot.

Carol: That’s okay, Oliver. It wasn’t your fault.

(Oliver goes upstairs and carol laments at her ruined garment.)

Mike: Well, look on the brightside, honey. You’re not gonna have time to finish it anyway.

Carol: What do you mean by that?

Mike: I have a year old hand knitted sock to prove it.

Carol: Oh, yeah?

Mike: yeha.

(She wraps the ruined yarn around his face and they kiss. Oliver is upstairs in the top bunk. His snoring is keeping Bobby awake. He gets out to bed and goes to Peter.)

Bobby: Hey, Pete, Pete, are you sleeping?

Peter: Are you kidding? Who can sleep with that buzz saw going?

Bobby: For a little guy he sure snores big.

Peter: Sounds like the M.G.M. lion.

Bobby: How are we gonna get any sleep?

Peter: I read once that where you can stop people from snoring by rolling them over. Let’s try it.

(They try rolling Oliver over but they fall down. peter accidentally breaks a lamp in so doing. Oliver wakes up.)

Oliver: Can you guys be a little more quiet, a guy can’t get any sleep around here.

(Next, Bobby and Peter are telling Greg about their problems with Oliver.)

Bobby: I’m telling you, Oliver’s a jynx.

Greg: Come on.

Peter: What about the ketchup he dowsed you with?

Greg: It was an accident.

Bobby: What about the flower pot he made me bust?

Peter: And the lamp last night.

(The girls come in.)

Cindy; Are you talking about Oliver?

Peter: Yeah.

Jan: He’s a disaster area and I got a painting to prove it.

Marcia: jan. that was just an accident.

Cindy: What abouit the dishes he made you drop?

Marcia: Well, I guess that was an accident, too.

Peter: How come we’re having all these accidents only since Oliver moved in?

Bobby: Yeah, I like Oliver but he’s a jynx.

Cindy: It sure looks like that.

Jan: I wish he could’ve stayed with some other relative.

Peter: Yeah, but I guess there’s nothing we can do, we’re stuck with him.

(With all this being said, Oliver is right outside. He overhears what the other kids say and gets depressed. the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Carol going out in the backyard.)

Carol (calling): Alice, if you need me, I’ll be out back gardening.

(She notices Oliver’s legs sticking out of the doghouse, where he is seeking refuge.)

Carol: Oliver, what are you doing in there?

Oliver: You better not come near me, Aunt Carol.

Carol: Why not?

Oliver: Something bad will happen, I’m a jynx.

Carol: A jynx? (She pulls him out of there) Okay, Oliver, what’s going on?

Oliver: I told you, I’m bad luck. If I found a four leaf clover, it would probably turn out to be poison ivy.

Carol: Oliver, who gave you that idea that you’re a jynx?

Oliver: The other kids. I heard them talking.

Carol: What did they say?

Oliver: They said wherever I go, terrible things happen. and they’re right, I’m bad news.

Carol: Well, I’ve got good news. We’re gonna solve your problem right now. Come on, Mr. Jynx.

(She takes him by the hand and they go into Mike’s den.)

Mike: Take my word for it, there is no such think as a jynx.

Carol: We think it’s good luck to have you here with us.

Oliver: I thought so, too. But there sure is a lot of evidence on the other side.

Mike: Look, maybe you did cause a couple of minor accidents, but that can happen to anybody.

Oliver: I know, but I’m very good at it.

Carol: Oliver, anyone who believes in a jynx is just superstitious.

Oliver: That’s me, and I was trying so hard to make everybody like me.

Carol: Oliver, everybody does like you. Now you just forget about all this jynx business. Promise?

Oliver; Well, I’m willing to forget about it if the other kids are.

Mike: Now that I can guarantee.

(Next, Mike is talking to Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy.)

Mike: I’m surprised at you. You had poor Oliver shaken up.

Jan: Well, we had no idea he was listening, Dad.

Cindy: Or else we would have closed the window.

Mike: Honey, that’s not the point.

Peter: We don’t have anything personal against him, Dad. He’s a nice kid.

Bobby: But it’s just sort of weird meeting a first cousin who’s a catastrophe.

Mike: Oliver is not a catastrophe, Oliver is not a jynx. Look, those accidents happened because he’s just trying too hard to be helpful, that’s all. Or there are coincidences.

Peter: I guess Dad’s right.

Mike: Now, remember this. For the time being at least, Oliver is a member of this family. And what we do, he does, and where we go, he goes. Is that clear? (They all nod) Okay, start making Oliver feel like he belongs.

(He gets up and leaves.)

Cindy: Boy, I guess that means Oliver has to come with us on the tour of the movie studio Saturday.

Jan: Yeah.

Peter: I sure hope we don’t have any more of those so-called coincidences.

Bobby: Yeah, just when they ask for an autograph, he’ll get hit by a truck.

(Next, the boys are outside playing basketball while Marcia is working on a ceramics project. She is joined by Jan and Cindy.)

Jan: Can we help you paint it?

Marcia: I’ve got to do it myself. I get graded on it for my class project.

(Oliver comes outside while the guys are making comments about playing.)

Oliver (to Marcia): Hi.

Jan: Hi.

Marcia: Hi. Hey, Oliver, how would you like to learn about ceramice.

Oliver: No, thanks.

Jan: Come on, Oliver, it’s fun.

Oliver: I better not. I may bring you some bad luck.

Cindy: Oh, you won’t. Dad said you’re not a jynx.

Oliver: Well, let’s keep it that way.

(He walks over to the guys.)

Greg: Hey, Oliver, how about playing with us. (He tosses him the ball) You and me against these two clowns.

Oliver: No, I just better watch.

Peter: Come on, Oliver, we need another guy.

Oliver: I’ll bust the ball or something.

(He throws it back to them.)

Bobby: You won’t. That jynx stuff is silly superstition.

Greg: Come on, we wnat you to play.

Oliver: You really mean it?

Greg: Sure we do. Let’s show these bums how to play basketball. Come on, pass it.

(He throws the ball back to him and Oliver passes it back to Greg. He makes a shot.)

Greg: Lucky my foot. (Peter and Bobby have the ball) Get it. Get it, steal it. (Pete rmakes a shot) Oh, ball, never, never.

(Meanwhile, Carol is knitting in the family room and Mike comes in. He has a model of a building he just created.)

Mike: Where is everybody?

Carol: Oh, honey, the boys are outside playing basketball with Oliver. Whatever you said sure worked.

Mike: Good. I’m just gonna take this down to the office. I won’t be gone long.

Carol: Oh, honey, can I see? That looks terrific.

Mike: Well, it should. It took me almost as long to make it as it would a real building.

Carol: What is this?

Mike: Oh, those are the fountains, see. And I rigged it where you can put real water in it and a fountain would shoot up. This side comes off and you can see those lights work.

Carol: Oh, honey.

(Back outside, the boys are still playing.)

Greg: Over here, Bobby. Not there.

Oliver Over here, Greg!

Greg )passing him the ball): take it.

(Oliver takes a shot but unfortunately it goes in the wrong direction. It hits Marcia’s project, ruining it. alice almost trips over it. Mike slips on it while walking through the kitchen. He drops his building on the edge of the counter and demolishes it. carol comes running out.)

Carol: Honey, are you all right?

Mike: I’m fine, but, I just converted my high rise into a low rise.

Carol (sadly): Oh, I’m sorry.

Mike: Gee, and the elevators worked and everything.

(Oliver buries his face in his arms shamefully. Next, the whole family except Mike are leaving for the movie studio.)

Cindy: I hope we see a lot of movie stars on the tour.

Marcia: If I run into Robert Redford, I’ll faint.

Jan: Me too.

Alice: I’ll beat you both to the ground.

Greg; Is everybody here?

Carol: Where’s Oliver. (she calls) Oliver!

Greg (calling): Oliver!

(Oliver comes out.)

Carol: Come on, Oliver.

Oliver: I think I better stay home, Aunt Carol.

Carol: But Oliver, I thought you were so excited about going to the movie studio.

Oliver: That was before I turned into a jynx.

Carol: I thought we were over all that.

Oliver: Me too, but it happened again.

(Carol tries to reverse psychology him.)

Carol: Well, okay, that’s it, if Oliver’s not going, I’m not going either. Right, Greg.

(She winks.)

Greg: Right, if you’re not going, I’m not going. Right, Alice.

Alice: Oh, right, Greg, and if you and Mrs. Brady aren’t going, I’m not going either. Right, Bobby.

Bobby: Wrong, I’m going.

(They give him dirty looks.)

Carol: Bobby.

Bobby: Just kididng.

Greg: See, Oliver, now, if you don’t come, nobody’s gonna go.

Oliver: Okay, I’ll go. But you’re all doing this at your own risk.

Carol: We’ll take our chances.

(They all get in the car.)

Greg: Everybody put your seat belt on for the speed tour.

(They arrive at the studio. Carol cautions the kids to stay together. They meet Mr. Douglas, the studio manager.)

Carol: We’re all together.

Mr. Douglas: All right. 2,4,6,7, is that 8 or 9?

Carol: 9.

Mr. Douglas: Well, may I ask your name?

Carol: Carol Brady?

Mr. Douglas: Ms. Brady.

Carol (correcting him): That’s Mrs. Brady.

Mr. Douglas: Mrs. Brady, would you please step through the gate to one side for a moment?

Greg: Is something wrong?

Mr. Douglas: Oh, hardly.

(The family follows Carol inside. Greg sees a beautiful actress walking buy.)

Greg: I wonder what movie she’s in.

Carol: Oh, just watch it.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, what’s going on?

Carol: I don’t know.

Greg: Why did he call us over?

(Mr. Douglas approaches them.)

Mr. Douglas: I’m Jim Douglas, and I’m in charge of Marathon Studios tours. Congratulations, Mrs.Brady.

Carol: What for?

Mr. Douglas: Well, you have nine people in your group. And the ninth is the one millionth visitor to come through our gates. So you win the grand prize.

(They all get excited.)

Carol: what is the grand prize, Mr. Douglas?

Mr. Douglas: Well, you all get to appear in a marathon studio movie.

(They all get even more excited.)

Carol: Wait a second, kids. (to Mr. Douglas) We’re really so thrilled with this honor.

Jan: Are we gonna be actors?

Mr. Douglas: Well, not exactly actors. You’ll all be extras. That is, if you want to have a lot of fun.

(They all cheer.)

Carol: Well gang, huh, kids.

(They give their approval.)

Mr. Douglas: Okay, wonderful. If you’ll all step upstairs into wardrobe, they’ll take care of you up there.

(He walks away.)

Carol: Oh, thanks, Oliver. Because of you, we’re nine instead of eight.

Bobby: Yeah, if it wasn’t for Oliver, the people behind us would’ve been in the movie.

Alice: Do you still feel like a jynx?

Oliver: Not anymore.

(They step into wardrobe. Next, they are wearing funny clothes and on the set of the movie.)

Director: Okay, everybody, we’ll go for a take. Now remember, Brady family, this is a take off of an all-time silent movie. And you know what you’re supposed to do. (They agree) Okay, good. Take your places and have a lot of fun with it. Oh, and don’t look at the camera. All right, okay, roll it. (The slapstick guy comes out) all rightm, ready and action.

(They’re all walking down the street.)

Director (yelling): Okay, now you hear the car accident! Crash! now react, react. (They act in the way he said to) Okay, now move off toward the car.

(Two trucks crashed into each other. The drivers are arguing and one of them takes a pie and throws in the other one’s face. Then he takes a pie and throws it in the other man’s face. The Bradys laugh as a cop comes over and gets hit with a pie as well. The cop takes a pie and hits Alice with it. She takes two pies and hits Greg and Peter. They take two pies and Greg hits Bobby in the face. Peter puts his pie on Bobby’s head, then he and Greg shake hands. Then the guys throw pies at the girls, who, in turn, throw at Carol. She takes a pie over to Oliver.)

Carol: Welcome to the family, Oliver.

(He throws a pie on his head. the rest of the family throw pies at him as well.)

Director: Cut, cut, cut, hold it, hold it, terrific, that’s just terrific. (He gets hit with a pie as well) Perfect.

(They continue with the pie throwing as the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Oliver writing a letter. Alice comes in.)

Alice: Hi, Oliver.

Oliver: Hi.

Alice: Hmm, writing a letter?

Oliver: Yeah, to my folks. I told them all about being in the movie and how much I like being here with everybody.

Alice: Well, that’s nice. We like having you hear with us.

Oliver: Right after I finish, I’ll take out the trash.

Alice: It’s Bobby’s turn to take out the trash.

Oliver: He shoved it off on me, just like he mad eme sweep up the garage.

Alice: That isn’t very nice of him.

Oliver: Oh, I don’t mind. On account of the lizard.

Alice: What lizard?

Oliver: The one I’m gonna put in his bed.

Alice: Oh, just make sure it’s out before I change the sheets.

THE END

S5 E16 Out Of This World

Out Of This World

Written by Larry Rhine and Al Schwartz

Peter and Bobby believe they saw a U.F.O. and set out to prove it. I hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

MARIO MACHADO

BRIGADIER GENERAL JIM McDIVITT

HERLO, male Kaplutian

SHIM, female Kaplutian

CAPTAIN McCARTNEY, Police captain who inspects U.F.O.

(The episode begins at a TV station. Mario Machado is interviewing Brigadier General Jim McDivitt on his alleged sighting of a U.F.O.)

Mario: I’m sure you all remember Jim McDivitt, who was one of the two astronauts in the second Gemini flight, which happened to be the eighth man space flight. Well, I’m your host Mario Machado, and the show is news event. And we’re here to discuss the current rash of U.F.O. sightings. Our special guest, now Brigadier General Jim McDivitt, not only was a former astronaut, he also claims to have seen an unidentified flying object. (to Jim) First, welcome here. When was thta, General?

Jim: It was during the flight of Gemini 4, Mario, in June, 1965.

Mario: Could you describe this U.F.O. for us?

Jim: Yes, it was a white object. (She uses his hands to describe the shape and form) It had been about, that high. It would’ve been about that big a round, and had a long white tube sticking out of it.

Mario: Any idea what it was?

Jim: I tried to take some pictures, but because of the way the camera was set, and the way the light was shining on the windshield, we never really got anything back except a coupe of beautiful sunspots on the window. Nothing else.

Mario: Yet you still believe that was a U.F.O. that you saw in that flying orbit.

Jim: Well, it was a U.F.O., that means unidentified flying object. Whether or not it was life from another planet, I don’t really know.

Mario: General, let me lay it on the line, are you saying, do you believe that life exists elsewhere in the universe?

Jim: Yes, Mario, I really do. I think it would be very na├»ve and really super egotistical on our part to believe that we’re the only form of life in all this vast, vast universe, in which we live.

(The general is signing autographs for some kids before he signs for Peter and Bobby.)

Peter: Could you sign it, to my good friend, Peter Brady.

Jim: Sure thing.

Bobby: I’m his brother Bobby, make me a good friend, too.

Jim: Sure thing, Bobby. I could always use another good friend.

(He gives his signatures to them.)

Bobby: That U.F.O. you saw, were there any people in it?

Jim: I’m not really sure. I never got close enough to find out, Bobby.

Bobby: There could’ve been, right?

Jim: Oh yes, always possible.

Bobby: That’s my theory, too.

Peter: Thanks, General.

Bobby: Keep up the good work.

(He shakes his hand.)

General: I’ll try.

(He leaves.)

Bobby: Wow, I’m not gonna wash that hand for a month.

Peter: Big deal. You wouldn’t wash it anyway.

(That evening, Bobby is awakened by strange sounds. He awakens Peter.)

Bobby: Hey, Pete, wake up. (He wakes) Do you hera a weid noise?

Peter: Yeah, you yapping.

(He goes back to sleep.)

Bobby: No, for real. Listen.

(Peter hears them as well.)

Peter: Yeah, I do hear a weird noise.

Bobby: It sounds like it’s coming from outside.

(They look out the window and see a strange object.)

Bobby: It’s gone. That couldn’t have been an airplane.

Peter: Not moving like that. Bobby, you know what we just saw?

Bobby: Yeah, a U.F.O.

Peter: A real live unidentified flying object.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Peter, Bobby and the girls having breakfast in the kitchen. Alice carries three heavy paper bags.)

Alice: Cindy, grab two bottles. Somebody almost had apple sauce for lunch.

Peter: Boy, you guys should’ve seen it. It zipped back and forth, and then up and down.

Bobby: And then it just hung there in space.

Peter: We saw that U.F.O. plain as day.

Bobby: Except it was night.

Marcia (teasing): Did you see little green people, too?

Bobby (defiantly): There had to be somebody inside it!

Alice: If I zipped back and forth and up and down and hung there in space, I’d be little green people too.

Jan: It was probably a helicopter you saw.

Peter: Without a propeller?

Cindy: Then I bet it was a blimp.

Bobby: How could it be a blimp. It didn’t have any advertising on it.

(Greg comes in.)

Alice: Hey, Greg.

Greg: Good morning.

Alice: What did you do to your lip?

Greg: I cut myself shaving.

NOTE: Barry Williams (Greg) was involved in a car accident prior to shooting this episode and received a split lip.

Peter: Every time he looks in the mirror he gets carried away with himself.

Greg: Very funny. What’s the big discussion?

Bobby: Peter and I saw a U.F.O. last night.

Greg: Don’t make me laugh on my lip.

Peter: No, we really did see one.

Greg: I read in the newspaper where a psychologist thinks seeing U.F.O.’s is nothing more than mass hysteria.

Peter: This wasn’t any mass. It was just me and Bobby.

Marcia: You don’t even have any witnesses to prove that you saw it.

Bobby: Sure we do. I’m Peter’s witness and he’s mine.

Jan: If you ask me, I think they’re both nuts.

Peter: Well, nobody asked you.

Bobby: We happen to be good friends with a real astronaut who saw a U.F.O.

Greg: I’ll believe U.F.O.’s exist when I see one, or at least see a genuine picture of one..

(Greg, Marcia, Jan and Cindy all leave for school.)

Bobby: You believe in U.F.O.’s, don’t you, Alice?

Alice: If I can believe I’m still 28 and weigh 103 pounds, I can believe anytihng.

(They start to leave.)

Peter (to Bobby): Yeah, wait till the guys at school

Bobby: Yeah. See it go back and forth, and upside down.

(Later on, Carol is taking a picture of a fruit dish. Alice helps her set it up.)

Alice: How’s that, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: Oh, Alice, the focus is so clear I can see the fuzz on that peach.

Alice: You want to shoot it or shave it.

Carol: Let’s shoot it.

Alice: Okay, fellas. this is a take.

(She moves a banana.)

Carol: Oh, Alice, now I can’t see the grapes.

(She moves the grapes.)

Alice: Is that better?

Carol: No, Alice, now I can’t see the oranges.

Alice: Why don’t we just chop the whole thing up and make fruit salad out of it, then you can see everything.

Carol: Thanks, Alice, I’ll fix it myself. Okay.

(As she does so, Mike walks in.)

Alice: Hi, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Hi, Alice.

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hello, sweetheart.

(They kiss and Mike grabs an apple. He goes to take a bite.)

Carol: Oh, Mike, no, no, no. Please.

Mike: You can have the apple back, but can I have my teeth back.

Alice: She’s trying to photograph the fruit for her contest, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Oh, I see. Well, if you ask me, your arrangement looks a little staged and formal.

Carol: Look, how do you tell a bowl of fruit to relax and look casual. Besides, I don’t remember asking you.

(She physically moves him form the family room. She then tries to take anothe rpicture but Jan and Cindy come in.)

Jan: Hi, Mom.

Cindy: hi.

(They both take a piece of fruit.)

Carol (shouting): Hey, kids, wait a minute. You’re eating my picture!

(She then gives a what the heck look and eats an apple.)

(Bobby and Peter come home upset.)

Peter: The guys in junior high school would be smarter.

Bobby: Yeah, the guys in my school probably think the world is still flat.

Mike: Hello, boys. Is something wrong?

Peter: Yeah, nobody in my school believes I saw a U.F.O.

Bobby: They laughed at me in my school.

Carol: Well, you boys believe what you want to believe and let them believe what they want to believe.

Peter: Mom, you don’t understand. Our reputations are at stake. They think we’re lying.

Bobby: Yeah, more than usual.

Peter: We need some proof we saw a U.F.O.

Mike (jokingly): Well, if it shows up again, ask Flash Brady here. She’ll take some pictures of it for you.

Bobby: Hey, that’s a good idea.

Peter: Mom, can we borrow your camera tonight? Maybe it’ll show up again.

Carol (sheepishly): Oh, all right, but take good care of it. Okay?

Bobby: We’ll take super care of it.

Peter: We’ll camp out in the backyard, and if it shows up, we’ll have all the proof we need.

Mike: Hold it, fellas, not so fast about the backyard.

Bobby: Oh, please, Dad. We can sleep in our sleeping bags and we can go camping.

Peter: Yeah, and this is right in our own backyard. Please?

Mike: Well, okay. You can camp out but on two conditions.

Peter: Two conditions?

Mike: Right. 1. You promise to get some sleep because tonight’s a school night. And 2. When a U.F.O. lands, don’t wake us up in the middle of the night to go out and greet it.

Bobby: Okay.

(That evening, they are outside with Carol’s camera.)

Bobby: You sure you know how to work that thing?

Peter: Yeah, Mom showed me.

Bobby: You got any film in it?

Peter: Of course.

Bobby: It’s pretty dark out here. You got the right opening on it?

Peter: It’s open all the way.

Bobby: Remember the lands cap. Don’t forget about that.

Peter: Bobby, I took off the lands cap. Now, it’s all set. Now, why don’t you get to sleep and I’ll take the first watch.

Bobby: How do you expect me to sleep at a time like this?

Peter: Okay, then, you watch the east and I’ll watch the west.

Bobby: Good idea. (He taps Peter) Which way’s east?

Peter: Over there.

(Jan and Cindy come outside.)

Cindy: Hey, did the U.F.O. land yet?

Bobby: No, do you see one?

Jan: Oh, we thought that maybe you hid it in your sleeping bags?

Peter: Look, if you came out here to make jokes, you can leave.

Bobby: Yeah.

Cindy: We believe in flying objects, Peter.

Jan: It’s just that flying objects don’t believe in us.

Peter (getting up): Listen, if you guys aren’t out of here in three seconds, you’re both gonna be flying objects!

Jan: Oh, quiver.

Cindy: Quake, quake.

Peter: Blast off.

(They leave and we take you to later in the evening, with them still outside.)

Peter: it’s getting prett ylate.

Bobby: yeah, U.F.O.’s are sure undependable.

(They hear a strange sound, then an object starts to float in the sky.)

Bobby: The U.F.O.!

Peter: It’s back!

Bobby: don’t just lie there, take pictures! (They get out of their sleeping bags and to the camera) Come on! Get up!

(Peter goes to the camera to get a picture. We see Greg in the attic room blowing on a whistle out the window and holding a flashlight.)

Bobby: Get any good pictures?

Peter: Yeah, but I wish it would stand still.

(Greg continues to blow out the window. Marcia comes up to see him.)

Marcia: Greg, what are you doing with that flashlight?

Greg: I was scaring a cat out the back fence.

(She looks out the window and sees Peter and Bobby.)

Bobby: It’s gone.

Peter: It just disappeared into nothing.

Marcia: I don’t see any fence.

Greg: Of course not, I scared it away. What are you doing here?

Marcia: You wanted to borrow my thermos for your fishing trip.

Greg: Oh, yeah, thanks.

Bobby (to Peter): Keep looking. The U.F.O. might come back.

Marcia (folding her arms): So, you’re the U.F.O. (Greg gives a guilty look) Isn’t that kind of a dirty trick?

Greg: I was just getting even with those two creeps for telling Mom and Dad I got home late Saturday night.

Marcia: Well, it’s still a dirty trick, but I love it because they squealed on me last week, too. (They laugh) How does it work?

Greg: Let me show you. I strung up a piece of fishing line over the yard between those trees. And then I hid a clear plastic curtain behind one of those trees. I use this cord to pull it off. I just flash this red light on it. Blow this whistle. Presto. Instant U.F.O.

(He shows her and it causes the guys to think they see it again. Bobby pushes Peter roughly.)

Bobby: Peter, the U.F.O.!

Peter: I see it!

Bobby: Hurry up, take pictures!

(They go to take another picture.)

Marcia: Greg, you’re a genius. (He blows more on the whistle) Can I try it?

Greg: Okay. (He gives her the flashlight) Hold it steady.

Marcia: Okay. (She holds the flashlight while he blows on the whistle) Like that?

Greg: Yeah, don’t hit the tree.

Peter: Boy, are these gonna be great pictures.

Bobby: Yeah, wait till the guys at school see them.

Peter: Wait till the world sees them, we’ll be famous.

Bobby: Take pictures.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Carol showing Mike some negatives in their bedroom.)

Carol: You want to see your 12 kids.

Mike: 12? How did we get 12?

Carol: I double exposed the negatives. Look.

(He looks at the pictures and the door knocks loudly.)

Mike: Come in.

(Peter and Bobby run in.)

Peter: Dad, we saw it again!

Bobby: The U.F.O. was here!

Peter: And this time we have proof on film!

Mike: You really think you saw something?

Peter: Honest, Dad.

Bobby: Double honest. Mom, will you develop the film for us?

Carol: Sure, first thing in the morning.

Peter: We mean now.

Carol: Oh, honey, it’s late and everything’s put away. In the morning.

Bobby: But the morning’s a long way off.

Peter: We’ll toss and turn all night. We won’t get any sleep.

Mike: We’ll risk it. Hit the sack. (He sends them out) Good night, boys. Sleep well.

Carol: Mike, what do you suppose they really saw?

Mike: Beats me.

Carol: Do you think there are U.F.O.’s?

Mike: Well, anytihng is possible.

(Later that night, Bobby dreams he is outside with a camera and a flying saucer lands. A space creature known as Herlo comes out. He starts walking down the steps.)

Herlo: One small step for spacemen. One giant step for Kaplutians.

(He jumps from the steps and safely lands on his feet. Then he looks inside the saucer for his wife, Shim.)

Herlo: Come on, honey.

(Shim comes out with his help. She is holding a flag with a K on it, short for Kaplutus. He takes it and we show Bobby sleeping, then back to the dream sequence. They’re holding a bag with a football in it. They see Bobby.)

Shim: Look, Herlo, a space creature. Strange looking.

(Herlo checks him out.)

Herlo: Round head. Weird white color. Are you friend or enemy?

Bobby: Oh, I’m a friend. Welcome to Earth.

Herlo: Earth? Is that what they call this planet?

Bobby: Uh-huh. Where are you from?

Herlo: Oh, we’re from Kaplutus.

Bobby: Kaplutus? Where’s that?

Herlo: Everyone knows where Kaplutus is. It’s between Zelda and Varda.

Bobby: Are all Kaplutians your size?

Shim: No.

Herlo: Are all earth people your size?

Bobby: Oh, no. Here on Earth I’m very small.

Herlo: On Kaplutus, we’re very big.

Bobby: Hey, can I take a picture of you, so i can prove you’re here?

Herlo: Sure.

Shim: My hair must look a mess after that 10 billion mile trip.

Bobby: Smile.

(They move closer together as Bobby takes a few shots of them.)

Herlo (to Shim): Honey, why don’t we take this strange looking creature back home with us, to prove there’s life on other planets.

Shim: A good idea, darling.

Herlo (to Bobby): How would you like to come to our planet and visit civilization?

Bobby (excited): Boy, would I! How long would it take?

Herlo: Oh, short time. I’ll have you back in 3,000, years.

Bobby: 3,000 years?

Shim: Only 10 minutes your time, honey.

Bobby (still excited): Wow, I’m going on a flying saucer! (He happily hops in the saucer with the Kaplutians) Bye.

(The saucer takes off while Bobby is saying in his sleep that he’s going on a flying saucer. Peter wakes him up.)

Peter: Bobby, wake up.

Bobby: Huh?

Peter: You were dreaming about a trip on a flying saucer.

Bobby: Yeah, and I was gonna be a basketball star on Kaplutus.

(Next, Carol is developing the pictures in a darkroom, with Peter and Bobby watching.)

Peter: Hurry up, Mom, the world is waiting to see our pictures.

Carol: Would you relax, Peter. These prints take a long time.

Bobby: Hey, Pete. What if Mom ruins them?

Peter: She won’t ruin them. (to Carol) Will you?

Bobby: Remember, she’s an amateur. Maybe we should’ve taken them to a professional.

Carol: Thanks a lot. I am overwhelmed by your under confidence.

(Alice brings some pancakes to the other kids in the kitchen.)

Alice: Anyone for more flapjacks? Hot off the grill and still flapping?

Cindy: For me, Alice.

Jan: Me too.

(They raise their plates and she serves them.)

Greg: No thanks, I gotta get going.

Marcia: Same here.

Alice: Aren’t you two gonna stick around and see how Peter and Bobby’s U.F.O. pictures turn out?

Greg: No. In their case I think U.F.O. means undoubtedly flipped out.

Marcia: Hey, Alice, if any space creatures do show up, give them some flapjacks and tell them to stick around for a while.

Cindy: Do you think Peter and Bobby really did see a U.F.O.?

Jan: They think they saw something, something shaped like a cigar.

(They come out with pictures.)

Peter (excited): Look at this! We got them!

Bobby: We got them!

(They show Jan and Cindy.)

Peter: Look, a real U.F.O.!

Bobby: In the flesh!

Carol: Alice, look, there really is something in that film.

Peter: Right there.

Bobby: That’s sort of blah.

Jan: That really does look like a U.F.O.

Alice: It looks so tiny.

Bobby: What do you mean tiny? That’s your average sized U.F.O.

Cindy: That’s a U.F.O. all right.

Peter: Sure, we better call the newspapers.

Bobby: And tell them we identified an unidentified flying object.

Carol: Hold it, boys. Hold it. You’re not going anywhere until your father gets home from work and takes a look at those pictures.

(Mike is in his den, checking the pictures out.)

Carol: Well, Mike, what do you think?

Mike: Well, I’ve come to a conclusion.

Carol: And.

Mike: They’re either U.F.O.’s, or they’re not U.F.O.’s. How’s that for a definite maybe?

Carol: Even your maybe doesn’t sound very definite.

Mike: I haven’t seen very many U.F.O.’s.

Carol: What do you think we ought to do?

Mike: Pass the buck, to somebody who should know about it more than we do. (He gets on the phone) Operator, could you get me the number please for Carter Air Force Base?

(Alice is dusting in the kitchen and she hears the doorbell. It is Captain McCartney to investigate.)

Captain McCartney: Mrs. Brady, please, I’m Captain McCartney.

Alice: Are you selling tickets to the policeman’s ball or is this a bust?

Captain McCartney (wryly): I’m here to investigate an alleged sighting of an alleged U.F.O.

Alice: Oh, that. Come in, please. I thought Mr. Brady reported that to the air Force.

Captain McCartney: He did, but the Air Force stuck the Police Department. You see, the Air Force refuses to keep investigating things that don’t exist, and I share their opinion.

Alice: Then how come you’re here investigating something that doesn’t exist?

Captain McCartney: Because I only have two more years to go for my pension.

Alice: Oh, oh, this way please.

(We take you to the family room. Captain McCartney is checking out the pictures.)

Captain McCartney: You say these photos are genuine, Mr. Brady?

Mike: Yes, that’s right, Captain.

Peter: I took them myself.

Bobby: With Mom’s camera.

Carol: And I developed them, Captain.

Captain McCartney (checking them over): Well, these could be anything. Weather balloon (She sees Alice bending over to look), reflection, swamp gas.

Bobby: We don’t have a swamp in our backyard.

Captain McCartney: Well, whatever it is, it’s defintely not a U.F.O.

(he gets upset over seeing Alice bending over him again.)

Mike: How can you be so certain, Captain?

Captain McCartney: Because there are no U.F.O.’s, Mr. Brady. I’ve investigated hundreds of sightings of U.F.O.’s, and the little green people, and you’d be amazed, how many of them stagger in the station on Saturday night.

(Greg and Marcia come by.)

Greg: What’s going on?

Carol: Captain McCartney is here to investigate the U.F.O. pictures Peter took.

Marcia: Oh, no.

(Greg goes up to Mike.)

Greg: Dad, I have to talk to you.

Mike: Later.

Greg: It’s urgent, Dad.

Mike: Later, Greg.

Greg: It’s really urgent. Can’t wait.

Mike: Excuse me.

Greg: Excuse us, Captain.

(Greg takes Mike up to the attic, where he shows him what he had done.)

Greg: I used this cord to pull out this plastic curtain, then I get this flashlight, and this whistle. Flash it on the screen, there’s your U.F.O.

(He demonstrates to Mike. Cut to the family room.)

Captain McCartney: Well, I think we wasted enough time on this U.F.O. nonsense, Mrs. Brady. Good night and… 9He hears the sound Greg’s whistle makes) What’s that?

(He hears it again and sees it.)

Peter: Our U.F.O.!

Bobby: It’s back!

(Marcia tries to stop them.)

Bobby: Hey, our U.FO. is back

(They all look excitingly out the window.)

Carol: Well, what do you say now, Captain?

Captain McCartney: I actually saw one. Hey, where’s the phone, I got to report this.

(Alice points him to the phone.)

Marcia: Captain, maybe you can wait.

Captain McCartney: Nonsense, young lady. (He dials) Sergeant, Captain McCartney, I want to report a U.F.O. Lift the Air Defense Command immediately.

(it disappears.)

Bobby: hey, it’s gone again.

Captain McCartney (on the phone): don’t argue with me, Sergeant, don’t you think I know a U.F.O.? I saw it with my own eyes. Oh, (to Peter) son, you with the camera, get a picture of me reporting this.

Peter: Sure.

(He takes a few shots. We go back up to the attic with Greg and Mike.)

Greg: I’m really sorry about the whole thing, Dad.

Mike: It was a pretty silly thing to do.

Greg: I never thought it would get this out of hand. I guess I got some explaining to do.

Mike: Mmm hmm. Npot only to me.

Greg (to himself): Yeah, I wonder what Captain Mccartney’s gonna say.

(We next see the captain up in Greg’s room.)

Captain McCartney (frustrated): I knew it was a hoax. There’s no such thing as U.F.O.’s. They’re all fakes and phonies and I never…

Mike: You reported it to your office, Captain.

Captain McCartney (to Greg); I’ll keep my mouth shut if you keep your mouth shut.

Greg: It’s a deal. I won’t tell anyone about your phone call to the sergeant if you don’t tell anyone about my U.F.O.

Captain McCartney: Deal.

(They shake hands and the captain leaves. Greg and Mike slap each other five and the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike and Carol scolding greg for his actions.)

Carol: I hope you realize how your joke nearly snowballed into an avalanche.

Greg: I sure do, Mom. Now I got to figure out a way to make it up to Peter and Bobby. They’re really down on me.

Mike: Well, Greg, you’ll have plenty of time to think about it because you just lost the car for this weekend.

Greg: This weekend’s my big fishing trip, Dad.

Mike: Well, I’m afraid you’ll have to tell the fish that you were grounded.

Greg: Grounded? But al the guys are expecting to meet me up there.

Mike: Sorry, Greg, no car.

Greg: How am i gonna get there without a car?

Carol: Well, I guess you’ll just have to hitch a ride on a U.F.O.

THE END

S5 E15 The Driver’s Seat

The Driver’s Seat

Written by George Tibbles

Marcia and Greg bet who could get the higher driver’s ed score. I hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR

(The episode begins with Alice coming down the stairs. She is dusting the rails and then picks up some newspapers at the bottom of the staircase.. Then she joind Carol in the living room.)

Alice (showing the paper to Carol): Mrs. Brady, look at this, my horoscope for today. You will find yourself involved in a new romance. That kind of creates a problem.)

Carol: Why, Alice?

Alice: Because no one’s got me involved in an old romance.

(Marcia comes in the front door.)

Marcia (excited): Mom, Alice, ta dah. Behold a celebrity.

Alice (jokingly): I hate to see the kids come dragging in from school in all that blue mood.

Carol: Don’t tell me, you passed your driver’s education test.

Marcia: Not only did I pass. I got the highest score in the class.

Carol (hugging her); Oh, Marcia, that’s wonderful. I’m so proud of you.

Marcia: I’m proud of me too. I’ve got to tell greg the good news.

(Greg is outsiod eworking on the car when Marcia tells him. He is none too pleased to hear the news.)

Greg: You’ve got to be kidding.

Marcia: I’m not kidding.

Greg: You outscored everybody in driver’s ed? Even the guys?

Marcia: Now that’s a typical male chauvinist reaction. You’re prejudiced against women drivers.

Greg: No, I’m not. Not as long as they stay off the road.

Marcia: Boy, are you prejudiced.

Greg: It’s not prejudice. It’s just that men are naturally superior drivers.

Marcia: Would you like to back that statement up with a bet, Mr. Male chauvinist?

Greg: Any time.

Marcia: Okay, I’ll bet you that I get a higher score on my driver’s license exam than you got.

Greg: You’re funnier than Lucille Ball. What do you wanna bet?

Marcia: Well, the winner does the loser’s household chores for a whole month.

Greg: Well, I’ll say this. You’ll be the prettiest trash man in the neighborhood.

Marcia: And you’ll look cute in an apron. I’ll beat you easy.

Greg: Okay, we got a bet, and no backing out. A whole month.

(Marcia gives herself a worried look as the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Marcia and Mike driving home, with Marcia at the wheel. He gives her a congratulatory pat on the shoulder before they come home. Meanwhile, Peter gets up to use the bathroom after he gets paint on his hands. The door is locked, however.)

Peter: Who’s in there?

Jan: me.

Peter: Well, how long are you gonna be?

(She opens the door.)

Jan: Resolved. A girl can spend as much time in the bathroom as she likes. Yes or no? Pick a side.

Peter: You can have both sides. I just want to wash this paint off my hands.

Jan: Not until you debate me. Subject is, who has the right to the bathroom?

Peter: Jan, you’ve been in the shower too long. Your brain is water logged.

(He goes in and Jan comes out. Bobby and Cindy are playing checkers in the girls’room. Bobby beats Cindy.)

Bobby: I win.

(Cindy gets bummed.)

Jan: Maybe Bobby cheated.

Cindy (to Bobby): Did you cheat?

Bobby: No. Jan’s just got a big mouth and bad eyes.

Jan: he didn’t really cheat, Cindy.

Cindy: Then why did you say that?

Jan: It’s a debating tactic. I force Bobby into defending himself by accusing him of something.

Bobby: I get enough accusing around here from Mom and Dad.

Jan: Hey, you two accuse me of something and I’ll defend myself.

Bobby: Okay, I accuse you of being weird.

(He leaves the room.)

Jan (to Cindy): I’m on the debating team at school, and I really need practice. Choose a subject and pick a side.

Cindy: Okay, i pick Bobby’s side. You are weird.

(She leaves as well.)

Jan (to herself): Won’t anyone around here debate me? (she picked up Cindy’s doll, Kitty-Karry-All) You, pick a side.

(Marcia and Mike come in from after her driving lesson.)

Marcia: Hi.

Mike: Hi.

Carol: Well, Mike, how did she do? is she gonna be a great driver?

(Greg comes in the kitchen.)

Greg: Hey Dad, can I borrow the car? I’m late for a date.

Mike: The answer to questions 1 and 2 are great, honey. And the answer to question 3, ask Marcia, she’s got the keys.

Greg: Uh-oh. Did you leave the fenders on the car, woman driver?

Marcia: Dad said I did great.

Carol: And just what have you got against women drivers, young man?

Greg: No offense, Mom, but it’s an established fact that men are better drivers. They’re always in control, women are too emotional. Right, Dad?

Mike: Listen, it so happens that yopur mother and your sister are excellent drivers.

Greg: Boy, marriage really takes all the nerve out of a guy. (Hegrabs the keys) See you later.

(Next, all the kids are going down the stairs, leaving for school. Alice and carol are passing out their lunch bags.)

Alice: Good luck on your debate today, Jan.

Jan: Thank you. Do I look okay, Mom?

Carol: Oh, sweetheart, u look lovely. Now, don’t be nervous about a thing.

Jan: Who’s nervous?

Carol: I am.

Alice: Don’t worry. I put something in your lunch every debater can use.

Jan: What?

Alice: Baloney.

(They all laugh and Jan and Marcia leave for school.)

Marcia (to Jan): When I get my driver’s license, I can drive you to school.

Jan: Yeah, that’ll be super. I can’t wait until I get my driver’s license.

Marcia: It won’t be that long.

Jan: Yeah. (to Caro) Don’t worry, Mom, I’ll clobber them.

(Next, we show her coming home in a depressed mood. Carol is on the phone with a friend.)

Carol: Look, Liz, I’ll have to call you back, okay. Bye.

(She hangs up and goes to comfort jan.)

Carol: You don’t have to tell me. Your team lost the debate.

Jan: I lost it for them. Me. personally.

Carol: What happened?

Jan: I’d have nightmares about it forever. I knew exactly what I was gonna say, then I got up there, and my tongue felt three sizes too big for my mouth, and the teachers were staring at me, and some boys snickered and, I made some dumb noises.

Carol (hugging her): Oh, poor baby.

Jan: I froze, Mother. They had to replace me. I’ve never been so humiliated in all my life.

(The next scene has Greg and Marcia sitting at the table in the kitchen.)

Greg: I know what would solve the problem. If they had a separate lane for women drivers.

Marcia (annoyed): Why do you keep insisting that men are better drivers than women?

Greg: Because they are.

Marcia: Alice.

Alice: Don’t drag me into this, Marcia. I’m strictly middle of the road.

Greg: Which is where you’ll find 90% of the women drivers blocking traffic. (Marcia and Alice refuse to laugh) I thought that was funny.

Marcia (bitterly): There’s nothing humorous about prejudice.

Greg: Well, let’s look at it another way. What’s an overhead cam?

Marcia ponders a little bit.)

Marcia: How should I know?

Greg: It’s part of the engine. Every driver should know all the parts of his car.

Marcia: Well, look. I don’t know how to build a clock, but I can tell time.

Alice: Hey, that’s a good point, Marcia.

Greg: I thought you were middle of the road, Alice.

Alice: Well, I just ran into a detour sign.

Greg: You think you’re so hot on wheels, Marcia? How about sweetening our bet a little. The loser does the winner’s chores for 6 months.

Marcia: 6 months?

Greg: Unless you’re afraid of losing, of course.

Marcia: Who’s afraid? It’s a bnat.

Greg (laughing): A sucker bet.

(He gets up and leaves.)

Marcia: I’ll show him, Alice. Women can be better drivers than men.

Alice: You said it.

Marcia: Men are egotistical, arrogant, smug and conceited. Right, Alice?

Alice: Right. Just don’t quote me to sam on that.

(Marcia goes up to her room, where Jan is still moping.)

Marcia: That Greg with his superior male attitude.

Jan: I’ll trade problems with you anytime.

Marcia: You just lost one debate. Big deal.

Jan: It was to me.

Marcia: Resolved. Now you could sit there full of self-pity, or you could be mature, and do something about it. Pick a side.

Jan: I don’t want to pick a side.

Marcia: Jan, you were just scared because it was your first face-to-face debate.

Jan: And boy, did I ever lose face.

Marcia: But now that you know what to expect, you’re past the problem.

Jan: You make it sound easy.

Marcia: It is. It’s all up here (the brain) Just psyche yourself up before your next debate and you got it made.

Jan: If only I could.

Marcia: You can. Money back guarantee.

Jan: Can you give me a better guarantee. You know what money’s worth these days.

(Mike and Carol are having coffee in the kitchen. Alice is serving them.)

Alice: Well, today is the big day.

Mike: Yeah, we got a double header going. Listen, I predict Marcia is gonna pass her driver’s test with flying colors.

Carol: Right, and I predict that Jan is gonna do just great in today’s debate.

Alice: And I predict that you two are great predictors.

(Marcia, Jan and Greg come in the kitchen.)

Marcia: Hi, Alice.

Jan: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Marcia: Now, remember what I said about psyching yourself up, Jan.

Jan: Yeah, but I’m still nervous.

Greg: Oh, relax, Jan. Women can’t be great at everything, but they make wonderful debaters. (Marcia gets disgusted.)

Mike (to Jan): Listen, do you mind if I offer you a suggestion?

Jan: Oh, I’ll take any advice I can get, Dad.

Mike: There is a famous old story about a man who had to get up and speak in front of some very important people, and he was petrified.

Jan: I’m with him.

Mike: Yeah, but a friend gave him some advice and says ‘look, when you get up in front of those V.I.P.’s, you picture them sitting there in their underwear.

Jan (laughing): In their underwear?

(Everyone else laughs.)

Carol: Oh, Mike. Is that true?

Mike: Sure it is. It worked like a charm, too. Because it made him realize that his audience was only human. I mean, you can’t be very frightening in your underwear.

Alice: Oh, I don’t know. You should see me in mine.

Jan: I’ll remember that, Dad. Thnaks, bye.

Mike: Good.

Carol: Bye, honey. Marcia, are you gonna meet your father after school.

Marcia: Yeah, Dad’s gonna drive me to the Department of Motor Vehicles, and I’m gonna drive him home with my new license. Then we’ll have another driver in the family.

Greg: Then you’ll start doing my chores.

(He starts to leave.)

Marcia: No way, Mr. Man driver. (to Carol and Mike) Good-bye.

(She leaves as well.)

Carol: No fighting.

(We take you to the department of Motor Vehicles. Mike and marcia are in the car witing for the instructor.)

Mike: You feel okay, honey?

Marcia: Terrific, Dad. Especially after I scored 98 points on the written exam. That’s four points better than Greg got.

Mike: Good girl.

(He gets out of the car as the driving ind=structor comes.)

Examiner: How are you, sir?

Mike: Prety good. Thank you.

Examiner: Good. (He gets in the car) Marcia Brady?

Marcia: Yes, sir.

Examiner: All set, Ms. Brady? You can start the car now.

Marcia: Not until you fasten your seat belt.

(He does so.)

Examiner: All right, Ms. Brady, you can start the car now. (Suddenly, she starts to freeze) Start the car now, please. (She tries but can’t seem to start the car) You nervous, miss? Turn the ignition on, please.

(She tries and the car moves only an inch. Everything else goes wrong. The trunk moves up and the windshield wipers start up. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Bobby and Cindy playing on the seesaw as Mike and Marcia come home.)

Cindy: hey, look, they’re here!

(They run up to the car.)

Bobby: Marcia, we’ve been waiting.

Cindy: Yeah, take us for a ride.

Mike: Not now, kids.

Bobby: But she promised to drive us when she got her license.

Marcia: By then I’ll be too old to drive.

(She gets out of the car and goes inside.)

Cindy (to Mike): What’s wrong with her?

Mike: Well, she did what a lot of other new drivers have done.

Bobby: You mean she already got a ticket?

(Marcia is inside telling Carol about her disaster.)

Marcia: I’ve never been so humiliated in my whole life. I froze at the wheel.

Carol: Oh, I’m sorry, Marcia. But I’m sure that next time…

Marcia: I’d rather hitchhike through life than go through that again.

(She walks in through the kitchen and sees Greg.)

Greg: Well, you actually found your way home from your driver’s exam. How did you do?

Marcia (angry): Okay, so you won the bet. Go ahead, make jokes, rub it in.

Greg: Hey, I was just teasing you. What happened? (She storms off) Women.

(bobby and Cindy go to Mike and Carol in the living room to talk about Marcia.)

Bobby: Mom, Dad, can we say something?

Carol: About what?

Cindy: About Marcia’s problem.

Bobby: Yeah, See, we got some fantastic ideas on how to handle it.

Mike: Good. How wouild you handle it?

Cindy: If she were my daughter, I’d make her write out 500 times, I flunked the driver’s test.

Carol: Oh, well, that’s a thought.

Bobby: If she were my daughter, I’d stop her allowance for a whole year.

Mike: If you should flunk your driving test, is that what you would like me to do with you?

Bobby: Come on, Cindy, let’s think of something else.

(Alice comes in the living room.)

Alice: Mrs. Brady, do you figure that Marcia will be joining you for dinner, or should I fix up a tray for her room?

Carol: Maybe you better make that two trays, Alice.

Alice: Two trays?

Mike: Depending on how Jan does today on her big debate.

Alice: Just to be on the safe side, why don’t we move the dining room table up in the girls’ room.

(Carol and Mike laugh. Jan comes home.)

Jan (happily): Alice! (She notices the parents on the couch) Oh, Mom and Dad, We won the debate. I really clobbered my opponent. (They cheer her on) First, I psyched myself up like Marcia said, and then your idea really worked, Dad. When I imagined the audience and all the teachers in their underwear, I could hardly keep from laughing. You should see my principal in boxer shorts.

(They all laugh.)

Mike: Well, I’m glad it helped.

Jan: How did Marcia’s driver’s test go?

Carol: I’m afraid it didn’t go as well as your debate, honey.

Jan: Darn.

(She goes upstairs to see Marcia, who is still sulking.)

Jan: Hi.

Marcia: Hi.

Jan: I heard about what happened.

Marcia: I’d rather not talk about it. How did your debate go?

Jan: Fine, thanks to you.

Marcia: Yeah, boy I am really great.

Jan: Resolved. You can sit there full of self-pity or you can be mature and do something about it. Pick a side.

Marcia: Jan, I don’t want to pick a side and stop throwing my own words at me.

Jan: Well, they happened to be good words. You were just scared because it was your first try.

Marcia: Well, from now on I’m gonna be a devout pedestrian.

Jan: You can dish it out but you can’t take it.

Marcia: What’s thta supposed to mean?

Jan: Well, at least I had the courage to try your advice and Dad’s too. About the audience and their underwear.

Marcia: Well, my situation’s different and maybe even worse.

Jan: Why?

Marcia: Because it happened to me.

(She realizes what she said and they laugh. We take you to the attic room, where Greg is studying. Marcia comes in to see him.)

Marcia: Greg.

Greg: Yeah, come in.

Marcia: About our bet.

Greg: Look, forget about that. It was just a fun bet, that’s all.

Marcia: No, I lost and I have to do your house chores for 6 months. How about a new bet. (He gives her a stern look) I’m gonna take my driver’s exam again.

Greg: Just pass the test, that’s enough. )He laughs) No bet, it’s too much pressure for a girl.

Marcia: Are you chicken, Gregory?

Greg: Me? Chicken?

Marcia: The loser does the winner’s chores for a whole year.

Greg: Marcia, sit down. I think you’r ehaving a dizzy spell.

Marcia: Is it a bet or not? And this time, I’m gonna beat your exam score.

Greg: Okay, woman driver, it’s a bet.

(They shake on it and Marcia retakes the test.)

Mike: She’s all yours, honey. Just relax and try to remember all the things we talked about. Okay?

Marcia: I’ll be fine, Dad.

(The examiner comes.)

Examiner (to Mike): How are you today, sir?

Mike: Once we got out of the garage, it was all right.

Marcia: Dad.

Examiner (getting in the car): Well, I hope you’re better prepared this time, Ms. Brady.

Marcia: Yes, sir. I think I am.

Examiner: Well, let’s find out for sure. and my seatbelt is fastened so you can start the car now.

Marcia: Yes, sir.

(She goes to start the car but is still a bit nervous.)

Examiner: Start the car, please. (She imagines him in his underwear and starts to laugh) Is anything funny, Ms. Brady?

Marcia: If only you knew.

(She starts the car and drives. Next, we see her at home with her license.)

Greg: Congratulations. A temporary driver’s license. What kind of score did you get?

Marcia: 92.

Greg: 4 points less than I got.

Marcia: But I got a 98 on a written exam. That’s 4 points higher than you got.

Mike: So you both scored 190.

Greg: Well, I guess that sort of cancels our bet. Doesn’t it? You’re lucked out.

Mike: I don’t think it was luck. Marcia’s a good driver.

Marcia: I just wish we could settle this someway. I’d prove I’m as good a driver as you are.

Greg (laughing): That’ll be the day. You’ll fold under pressure like before.

Mike: Maybe there is a way we can settle this.

Greg: I’d love that.

Marcia: Me too. How?

Mike: Truck driver style. They have a big contest every year to find the best driver. Right?

Greg: I saw it on television.

Mike: So did I. They set up regular obstacle courses for the drivers. We can make up one of our own.

(Next, the Bradys go to a parking lot to settle the bet. Mike and the guys set up some cones.)

Mike: All right, everybody. Now, the parking lot is empty so there’s no problem with other cars. Now, the idea is, to drive through the obstacle course without hitting any of the pylons.

Greg: And whoever hits the least wins. Right?

Mike: Right.

Marcia: Suppose we end up in another tie.

Carol: Oh, your father already thought of that.

Mike: After you complete the course, keep on going until you get to that pylon. (He points to it and they all look) And if you’re tied, the one who stops closest to it without touching it, wins.

Marcia: We can still be tied.

Greg: Dreamer.

Peter: Hey, Dad, how if someone barely touches that pylon.

Carol: Oh, your father already thought of that, too.

Mike: Yeah, the truck drivers contest has an electronic beeper. We have something a little more primitive. Alice.

(She takes out an egg and make the sound of a chicken cackling. She hands it to Mike.)

Mike: Okay. Now. (He places it on the pylon) Anyone who knocks the egg off the pylon is a loser.

(Marcia gets in the car and drives around with the rest of the family cheering her on. She finally stops and parks in front of the pylon.)

Mike: All right, fantastic.

Greg: How close is she?

Alice (measuring): An inch and a half.

Marcia (surprised): An inch and a half?

Mike: Terrific.

Greg: Talk about lucky.

Bobby: Yeah.

Peter: Can you get any closer than that?

Greg: Oh yeah, sure.

Bobby: You’ll show ’em.

Peter: Yeah.

Carol: Your turn, Greg.

Greg: Right.

(He gets in the car and drives around, with everyone cheering for him as well.)

Greg (to himself): I got to get it closer than an inch and a half. I got to win, I got to beat Marcia. (He is getting closer) I got to do it, I got to do it.

(He knocks the egg and over an dloses. Marcia starts to cheer thta she won. She then goes to Greg to comfort him.)

Marcia: Greg, you can forget about the bet. You don’t have to do my chores.

Greg: I lost. I’ll pay.

Marcia: the important thing is, we’re both good, safe drivers. Not who knocked off the egg.

Greg: Yeah, sure. (Carol and Mike come over to him) You don’t have to say it. This time I folded under pressure.

Mike: Well, it can happen to anybody.

Carol: Excuse me, can I say a few words? Somebody around here owes me an egg.

(They laugh as the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Peter reading a magazine in the backyard. Bobby and Cindy come riding up to them on their bikes.)

Bobby: Peter, will you be our judge?

Peter: For what?

Cindy: Bobby and I made a bet on who’s the best bike rider.

Peter: What did you bet?

Bobby: The same thing as Greg and Marcia. Whoever comes closest to the stop line without going over, wins.

Cindy: And the loser does the winner’s chores for a whole year.

Peter: Well, first you better look at something, Bobby.

(They look inside and see Greg doing some ironing for Marcia.)

Bobby: Be too easy to beat a dumb old girl anyway.

(He rides off.)

Cindy: Chicken.

THE END

S5 E14 Kelly’s Kids

Kelly’s Kids

Written by Sherwood Schwartz

Mike and Carol’s friends, Kathy and Ken Kelly, adopt three young orphans of different backgrounds. I hope you enjoy the script. NOTE: Some people do not consider this a Brady episode. To me it serves as a pilot for a potential spinoff series that, unfortunately, didn’t sell.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY (non-speaking)

PETER BRADY (non-speaking)

JAN BRADY (non-speaking)

BOBBY BRADY (non-speaking)

CINDY BRADY (non-speaking)

MATT, child the Kellys adopted

DWAYNE, Matt’s friend and another adoptee

STEVE, Matt’s other friend and fellow adoptee

MISS PHILLIPS, director of adoption agency

MRS. PAYNE, the Kellys neighbor

(The episode begins with all the kids outside playing. Greg and Peter were playing basketball. Bobby and Cindy playing with a frisbee and Marcia and Jan playing ping-pong. Mike and Carol are inside talking to their guests, Ken and Kathy Kelly.)

Ken: You know something. Your kids were our inspiration.

Carol: Your inspiration?

Kathy: After those talks with you and Mike, well. (She takes out a picture to show them) Look.

Carol: Oh, Mike, look, isn’t he cute?

Kathy: That’s Matt.

Mike: Matt?

Kathy: He’s 8 years old and all ours.

Ken: After tomorrow, he’s our son.

Carol (pleased): Your son.

Mike: Congratulations. (Carol hugs Kathy and Mike gives Ken a handshake) That’s why you got the bigger house.

Ken: Yeah. We didn’t want to say anything until after all the adoption papers were final.

Carol; Oh, you’re gonna love being parents. It is so much fun watching them grow, seeing them learn, sharing their love. (Suddenly, they hear a ruckus outside. It is the boys teasing the girls by playing the basketball on the ping pong table) Like I said, they’ve given us nothing but love.

Mike: And a little bit of high blood pressure. (He goes tot he window and opens it) Kids, hey. Hold it down to a dull roar, huh.

Carol: Oh, he is such a cute little boy.

Kathy: Oh, he’s sweet, he’s bright, he’s open, he’s adorable.

Ken: And he’s housebroken, which is more than you can say for your kids when you got them.

(They laugh and the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Matt moving in with them. First, he sees the house, then they show him his room.)

Matt: Wow. Wow, this is the best room in the whole world. (He looks through the toy chest they laid out for him) Wow.

Ken: Not just toys. We got a lot more than that, son.

Matt: Yeah. (He finds a car) Racing cars. Real racing cars.

Kathy: And a real father and a real mother.

Matt: Are those crayons in the desk? I love to draw. (He notices other things in the room to interest him) I’m gonna be an artist, and a baseball player, and a fireman, a cowboy, and an astronaut.

Ken (jokingly): What about a nuclear scientist?

Matt: Okay.

(Mr. and Mrs. Kelly laugh. We next see Ken and Matt playing checkers.)

Ken: You beat me again. You must be a terrific checker player.

Matt: The other kids beat me all the time. You must be rotten.

(Later on, Kathy is showing him the bathroom.)

Kathy: Here’s where we keep the toothpaste, and here’s a brand new toothbrush for you.

Matt: Thanks. (She goes to help him with the toothpaste) Mom, I can brush my own teeth.

Kathy: Oh, I’m sorry (He brushes as she watches) I can go to the bathroom by myself too.

Kathy: oh right, of course.

(She leaves. We next see her and Ken getting the bed ready for Matt.)

Kathy: Uh, it’s been a long, hard day.

Ken: For him or for us?

Kathy: For all of us, I think. He should be asleep in no time at all.

(Matt comes in wearing his pajamas.)

Matt: Do I have to go to sleep?

Kathy: You guessed it. Okay, off to bed now, come on.

(He kneels down to pray.)

Matt: God bless Mr. and Mrs. Kelly. (He looks up at them) I mean, Mom and Dad. Mrs. Phillips (to them) that’s the lady at the home. Dwayne and Steve, they’re my two best pals. And Joe and Julie and Hope. Wendy and Paul and Margaret and Mandy and Barbara and Jeannie and Tommy.

Ken: Is that all the children?

Matt: No, I left out Karen Martin. She bit me once.

Ken: Oh, well, that explains that.

Kathy: Into bed.

Ken: Yeah. Come on, in you go.

(He gets under the covers. Mrs. Payne, Ken and Kathy’s neighbor, rings their bell.)

Mrs. Payne: Good evening, Mr. Kelly.

Ken: Oh, Mrs. payne.

Mrs. Payne: Mr. Kelly, I’ll come right to the point. When you moved in next door, Mr. Payne and I didn’t realize that you had children.

Ken: As a matter of fact we didn’t. Matt just joined our family today.

Mrs. Payne: Oh, an adopted child.

Ken: Yes, an adopted child.

Mrs. Payne: Well, be that as it may, Mr. Payne and I don’t have children, and we like to keep our home neat. Boys trample flowers, break windows and write on walls. Sometimes dreadful things.

Ken: I don’t think you have anything to worry about, Mrs. Payne.

Mrs. Payne: Well, I hope not. Our houses are rather close together. (He turns to go inside and she goes to leave, then stops) By the way, Mr. Kelly, I understand that you’re in show business.

Ken: I do a nightclub act.

Mrs. Payne: Well, suppose someone must.

(Kathy and Ken check in on Matt and see him snuffling.)

Kathy: What’s the matter?

matt (crying): Nothing.

Ken: Did something hurt you?

Matt: I was just thinking about something?

Kathy: About what?

Matt: About Dwayne and Steve and all the other kids at the home.

Kathy: well, there’s lots of children in our neighborhood.

Mat: yeah, but we all used to go to sleep at the same time. Dwayne on that side (the right) and Steve on that side (the left).

Ken: You’ll have lots of new friends soon.

Matt: I don’t want new friends. Dwayne and Steve were the best friends I ever had, in my whole life.

Kathy: Well, we can visit them.

Matt (raising his head): Can we really?

Ken: That’s a promise.

Matt: Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.

(He hugs them.)

Ken: Go back to sleep now.

(Matt falls asleep as we bring you to the kellys bedroom. Ken comes in and Kathy is on the phone.)

Ken: He finally fell asleep.

Kathy (on the phone): Right, I can hardly wait to tell ken that. Good-bye.

(She hangs up.)

Ken: what? tell me what?

Kathy: That was Carol Brady on the phone and I was telling her about how lonesome Matt was and we came up with an absolutely terrific idea.

Ken: Well, what is it?

Kathy: It’s really great.

Ken: I know it’s great, I also know it’s terrific, there’s only one thing I don’t know. What is it?

Kathy: Oh, didn’t I tell you? Oh (she realizes) sorry. Carol said the reason the Brady kids are never lonesome because there’s always another kid around.

Ken: Oh, I think I know what is it. Adopt another kid?

Kathy: Right, right. It should be much easier this time, I mean, we’ve been through all that red tape with Matt. We filled out all those forms and everything.

Ken: Well, it’ll cost more to raise two kids than one, you know. (She gives him a pleading look) Of course, we can put another bed in Matt’s room. (She eagerly awaits his answer) Yeah, honey, we can manage.

Kathy (excited): Fantastic! Fantastic! (They hug) But I don’t think we should do it right away.

Ken: When?

Kathy: Not until tomorrow.

(Ken and Kathy are down at the Terrace Adoption Home, where they adopted Matt from. They go in to see Ms. Phillips, who is in charge. They knock on the door to the office and she lets them in.)

Ms. Phillips: Mr. and Mrs. Kelly.

Ken: Hi, Miss Phillips.

Kathy: Hi, Miss Phillips.

Ms. Phillips: How’s Matthew?

Ken: Oh, he’s just fine.

Kathy: We left him with the Bradys, some neighbors of ours, while we came down to see you.

Ms. Phillips: Sit down.

Kathy: Oh, thank you.

Ms. Philips: Say, did I ever show you this paper weight that Matt made for me? (She picks the heavy object up) I am ready for a hurricane. (she puts it down) He’s quite a boy, Matt.

Ken: Yeah, he sure is. Do you have another one like him?

Ms. Phillips: Another one like…

Kathy: We thought it’d be a good idea if Matthew had a brother.

Ms. Phillips: Well.

Ken: He keeps talking about two boys who seem to be special friends of his.

Kathy: Dwayne and Steve.

Ms. Phillips: Dwayne an dSteve. yes, they’re both great boys.

(We take you to outside in the backyard, where all the children are playing. Dwayne and Steve are painting a picture.)

Ms. Phillips: Dwayne and Steve, yoo hoo.

Steve (to Dwayne): Hey, they’re calling us. Come on.

Ms. Phillips: Dwayne, Steve, this is Mr. and Mrs. Kelly.

Boys: Hi.

(They shake hands with the Kellys)

Ken: Hello, Dwayne, hello Steve.

Kathy: Well, you’re both good friends with Matt, aren’t you.

Dwayne: Yeah, Matt’s a real nice guy.

Steve: He’s our best friend.

Dwayne: Miss Phillips used to cal us the 3 musketeers.

Steve: That’s because we always played together.

Ken: I see.

(Two girls are fighting over a rope in tug-of-war style.)

Ms. Phillips: Excuse me, a definite war is about to begin.

Kathy: Right.

Dwayne: Matt got adopted yesterday.

Steve: He was real lucky. Most people like to adopt little babies.

Dwayne: It’s harder for us big guys.

Steve: Yeah.

Kathy: Well, you’re both fine boys. I’m sure you’ll both be adopted very soon by some nice family.

Ken: That’s right. Well, we didn’t mean to interrupt your painting. We’ll be running along now.

Dwayne: Bye.

Steve: Bye.

Kathy: Good bye.

(They return to the painting as the Kellys watch. Cut to the Brady house, where they are discussing the matter with Mike and Carol.)

Ken: Then we came right over here to talk this over with you.

Kathy: We thought that you’d be able to give us advice better than anyone else.

Ken: Now, the fact that Dwayne is black and Steve is oriental surprised us a little bit at first. But, what difference does that really make?

Kathy: After all, a boy is a boy is a boy. Whether he’s white or black or yellow or blue.

Carol: Well, I…

Ken: Oh, I know it presents certain problems but everything in life presents certain problems. Right?

Mike: Oh, right. I think…

Kathy: The biggest problem is trying to decide between Dwayne and Steve. they’re both such fine boys.

Ken: That’s when we started to talk about adopting both of them. Instead of putting two beds in the room, we’ll just put three beds in the room, that’s all.

Kathy: Raising three boys can’t be much more difficult than raising two boys.

Ken: If anyone knows the answer to that, you do.

Mike: Well, yeah, i guess.

Ken: In a way, you adopted three boys and you adopted three girls.

Carol: Yes, we did…

Kathy: That’s why we know exactly what you would do if you were in our place.

Ken: You’d adopt both Dwayne and Steve, right?

Kathy: Right, so we decided to follow your advice.

Ken: Thanks so much for talking this over with us.

Carol: Aww, so glad to be of help.

Kathy: Oh, oh, may we leave Matt here while we go over and make the arrangements for the two boys.

Mike: Oh, sure.

Mike: Of course.

Ken: Thanks again.

(He kisses Carol on the cheek and she kisses Kathy’s cheek.)

Carol: Oh, good luck.

Kathy: Thank you.

Carol: Bye, bye.

Mike: Don’t mean nothing.

(The Kellys leave and Mike an dcarol laugh to each other.)

Carol: Do you suppose we were like that?

Mike: I guess probably.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Matt setting the table while Kathy is cooking dinner.)

Kathy: Whoops. We have the fork on the left and the knives and spoons on the right.

Matt: I forgot.

Kathy: Oh, we can’t count on everything in a week.

Matt: Hey, why so many plates, Mom.

Kathy: Five.

Matt: There’s only three of us.

Kathy: Your Dad is bringing home a couple of old friends today.

(Ken comes home.)

Ken: Hello.

Kathy: Hi, honey. (to Matt) Wait till you see who we have with us.

(He turns around and sees Dwayne and Steve.)

Dwayne: Matt.

Matt: Dwayne, Steve. (They huddle) What are you guys doing here?

Dwayne: We’re going to live here.

Steve: Mr. Kelly is adopting us too.

Dwayne: We’re gonna be brothers!

Matt: Brothers!

Steve: yeah!

(They cheer and huddle more.)

Ken: You’re back together again, the three musketeers.

(They huddle a little harder.)

Kathy: Hey, musketeers, is anybody hungry?

(They all sit down and have dinner. That evening, the boys get ready for bed. It’s not long before they argue over which bed to sleep in.)

Steve: Hey, how come you get that bed?

Matt: You guys take the bunks, this one’s mine.

Dwayne: How come this one is yours?

Matt: I’ve been sleeping in it all week.

Styeve: We ought to take turns.

Dwayne: Yeah.

Matt: This one’s mine.

Steve: Let’s get him.

Dwayne: Yeah.

(They pull the covers off him and grab pillows. Ken comes in.)

Ken: Hey, hey, what’s going on? Come on, somebody’s gonna get… (He gets accidentally hit with a pillow) So that’s the way you want it, huh.

(He joins in the fight and Kathy comes in.)

Kathy: I haven’t got three little boys, I got four little boys. (The phone rings) Oh, oh, I’ll get the phone. You put them to bed, okay.

(They all groan at the idea of going to bed.)

Ken: No, no, no, I’m sorry, guys. it’s time for bed. No, you’rte going right to bed.

Kathy (on the phone with Carol): Everything’s fine, Carol. Mrs. Phillips waited the usual waiting period and the boys are with us now.

Carol (on the other end): Oh, Kathy, I’m so glad.

Kathy: Oh, they’ve been absolute angels. I can hardly wait for Monday when I take those three to school to register them. What an assortment.

Carol: Yeah, the Kelly rainbow.

(Meanwhile, Ken is in the room with the boys. She shows them his nightclub routine.)

Ken: Okay, troops, now I’m gonna show you one more time and then we’ll all go together. Okay.

Matt: Okay.

Ken: Okay, it starts with the soft shoe step. (He dances while carrying a cane and wearing a hat) Now we turn, and remember the cane trick I showed you? And a slide, and now the big finish (He dances more) And the hat. (He takes the hat off) Okay, wanna try it together? Ready? All right, here we go. And the soft shoe (He dances again and they copy him) Good, good, good, now the cane trick. And a slide, and now the big finish, and the hat. Good, good, hey, you’re doing great, doing great. Let me get back here where I can watch you. Let’s bat one more time. (Kathy comes to the room) And the soft shoe, and, and to the right, and then the paddle turn. (He sees Kathy) Hi, we were just getting ready for bed, right, guys?

(They alls ay good night and get in their beds.)

Kathy: Uh, big finish.

(Next, Mrs. Payne comes to the door again.)

Ken: Oh, hi.

Mrs. Payne: Mr. Kelly, I see you now have several children.

Ken: Of various colors, one might say.

Ken: You just did.

Mrs. Payne: Mind you, I’m not a bigot. I believe that blacks, yellows, every body has a place in our society. Mr. Payne and I even managed to be cordial to the Shapiros on the next block.

Ken (sarcastically): That’s very generous of you.

Mrs. Payne: We try. Nevertheless, three small boys are apt to be destructive, especially the minorities.

Ken (scornfully): Congratulations, Mrs. Payne, you have my vote for neighbor of the year.

Mrs. Payne: I consider that remark un-called for.

Ken: If nobody calls for it in 30 days, it’s all yours, baby.

(He shuts th edoor on her. Kathy comes back from trying to speak to her. She is in a foul mood.)

Kathy: Ken, you’re right. That woman is absolutely impossible.

Ken: Honey, you shouldn’t have gone over there to try to reason with her.

Kathy: She makes Archie Bunker sound like a liberal.

(Meanwhile, Dwayne wakes up in a thirsty mood.)

Dwayne: I’m thirsty, I’m gonna get some milk.

Steve: You better not. You’ll have an accident during the night.

Dwayne: What do you care if I have an accident?

Steve: You sleep right up there.

Dwayne: Come on, you get a drink too.

Steve: Okay.

(They go outside and hear Ken and Kathy talking in the kitchen.)

Ken: Just be happy she isn’t twins. She could be living on both sides of us.

Kathy: Ken, I just can’t forget those terrible things she said about Dwayne and Steve. Believe me, she’s gonna give us nothing but trouble because of those two little boys.

Ken: That’s for sure. If she could, she’d buy this house and kick us out of here.

Kathy: She already told me she was gonna try and kick me out of the P.T.A., and I know she’s gonna have Mr. Payne try and kick you out of the Optimist Club and every other organization.

(The boys go back to their room.)

Ken: Well, I hate to be rude to a lady, but on the other hand, she’s no lady.

(Kathy says she’s no lady with him.)

Kathy: Well, I already told her what I thought of her. Nobody is gonna interfere with Dwayne and Steve if I can help it.

Ken: At a girl.

Kathy: Right.

Ken: Mrs. Payne or no Mrs. Payne, we’re gonna make those boys happy.

Kathy: Right.

(They kiss. Meanwhile, Dwayne and Steve write a note stating they’re running away, thinking they’re causing all the trouble.)

Steve: Did you write how much we like it here?

Dwayne: I wrote it.

Steve: Did you write how much we hate to cause trouble?

Dwayne: I wrote it.

Steve: Did you write how much….

Dwayne: I wrote it. I wrote everything now. I’m just signing my name now.

Steve: Okay, then I’ll sign mine.

(Dwayne signs his name, then does Steve. They take their belongings and atart to sneak out. Matt wakes up.)

Matt: Hey, where you guys going?

Dwayne: Away.

(Steve shushes him.)

Matt: How come?

Steve: We’re too much trouble.

Dwayne: Mrs. Payne is gonna get Mr. Kelly kicked out of here.

Steve: And she’s gonna get Mrs. Kelly kicked out of the P.T.A.

Dwayne: And Mr. Payne won’t let Dad become an optometrist.

Matt: If you guys are going, I’m going with you.

Steve: You’re not causing any trouble. They said Dwayne and Steve.

Matt: We’re the three musketeers. One for all and all for one.

(They put their hands over each other’s. They show up at the Bradys’ house. They are sleeping outside and Greg is coming home. He notices them.)

Greg: Hey, hey, who are you guys?

Matt: I’m Matt.

Dwayne: I’m Dwayne.

Steve: I’m Steve.

Matt: We’re brothers.

Greg: Brothers?

Matt: Since 5 o’clock.

Greg: Oh, you must be the Kelly kids. What are you doing here?

Dwayne: We’re running away.

Steve: And we didn’t know where to go.

Matt: I stayed here before. You got so many kids I figured maybe nobody would notice us.

Greg: Well, don’t you like Mr. and Mrs. Kelly?

Dwayne: We like them a lot.

Steve: We love them. That’s why Dwayne and me are running away.

Matt: And I’m helping them.

Greg (confused): It’s getting kind of late. Why don’t you come in the house with me.

(Inside, the boys are sittng in the family room with Mike. Carol comes in.)

Carol: More hot chocolate?

Dwayne: Yeah, I’d like some more.

Steve: Boy, he drinks al the time.

Dwayne: So what? You got nothing to worry about now.

Mike: You guys don’t by any chance sleep in bunk beds, do you.

Steve: yes.

(They all laugh.)

Carol: Where are you guys heading?

Steve: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe out west.

Dwayne: We are out west.

Matt: Maybe out east.

Mike: Wherever you go, you better send an address. I think Mr. and Mrs. Kelly would like to keep in touch.

Carol: I know they’re quite interested in knowing where you are.

(The Kellys come in an dfind them. Carol and Mike walk out.)

Ken: Thank you.

(Kathy kisses all of them.)

Ken: Do you know how worried we were about you guys.

Matt, Dwayne and Steve: No.

Ken: Well, plenty. That’s how much. We had no idea…

Matt: How did you find us?

Kathy: That’s not important.

Ken: What is important is for us to stick together.

Dwayne: But Mrs. Payne said…

Kathy: We don’t care what Mrs. Payne said. We care about you.

Ken: You’re our family. We want you boys to grow up with parents.

Kathy: And we want to grow up with children.

Dwayne: We’d love that. But we didn’t want to cause any more trouble.

Steve: That’s why Dwayne and me left.

Matt: And I went with them. Because we’re the three musketeers.

Ken: Well, you’re wrong about that. You’re not the three musketeers.

Dwayne: Huh?

Matt: We’re not?

Matt: No, you’re not. We are the five musketeers.

(Alice comes in.)

Alice: Excuse me, folks. I thought I heard a noise (Pause) Now, you two may be Mr. and Mrs. Brady, but you three definitely are not Greg, peter and Bobby.

Matt: Hi, Alice.

Kathy: Matthew, Dwayne and Steve.

Steve: Hi, Alice.

Matt: Hi.

Dwayne: Hi.

Alice (waving): Hi, kids.

Kathy: We’re sorry we woke you.

Ken: Yeah, we were just passing through.

Alice: Passing through?

Kathy: Right, on our way home. Come on, boys.

Steve: Bye, Alice.

Matt: Bye, Alice.

Dwayne: We’re going home.

Ken: Get some sleep.

(The scene fades away.)

(The final scene has the boys outside playing in the yard with the Brady kids. Mike, Carol and the Kellys are looking out through the family room window.)

Kathy: The boys get such a big kick out of visiting here.

Carol: Well, that’s what neighbors are for.

Ken: Oh, by the way, we want to thank you for sending the kids this book.

Kathy: I guess you knew the three musketeers would make a very big hit.

Mike: Well, it wasn’t hard to figure out. How come you brought it back?

Kathy: We wanted to show you what they’ve done with it.

Carol: What do you mean?

Ken: They said they had to fix it.

(They show the Bradys a picture, which they colored with black and yellow faces.)

Carol (pleased): Oh, Mike.

Mike: Hey, that’s great.

THE END

S5 E13 Miss Popularity

Miss Popularity

Written by Martin Ragaway

Jan gets nominated for Most popular girl and school. She makes too many campaign promises to gain votes. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

HERMAN, Jan’s classmate

SHIRLEY, another classmate and friend

(The episode begins with Jan coming home from school. She is just bursting with good news, which she shares with Alice.)

Jan: alice, Alice, the most wonderful think in the whole entire world happened.

Alice: You were nominated for most popular girl in your class.

Jan: I was nominated for…, how did you know?

Alice: Peter beat you home by a glass of milk and a slice of baloney.

Jan: Well, isn’t it terrific?

Alice: Terrific. I think your classmates have got real class.

Jan: Thanks.

(She heads to the staircase where she sees Bobby.)

Jan: Hi, Bobby.

Bobby: Hi, Jan.

(He rides down the banister of the stairs.)

Jan: Bobby, you’ll never guess what happened in school today.

Bobby: I know. You got nominated for most popular girl. That’s great.

Jan (to herself): Well, at least Marcia will be surprised.

(Jan is upstairs in her bedroom sharing the news with her sisters.)

Marcia: I already heard.

Cindy: Me too.

Marcia: Congratulations.

(She kisses Jan on the cheek.)

Jan: Honestly, surprising people in this family is harder than smuggling sunrise past a rooster.

Cindy: We think it’s super.

Jan: Yeah, and I’ll have a hard time winning with a girl like Kathy Williams in the contest

Marcia: What’s so special about her?.

Jan: She’s got the three B’s. She’s beautiful, brainy and built.

Marcia: Oh, Jan, that’s not everything.

Cindy: At my age it’s nothing.

Marcia (laughing): You’re just gonna have to get out there and campaign hard.

Jan: yeah, well, I’m not worried.

Marcia: Good.

Jan: I passed worried an hour ago. Now I’m terrified.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Carol sitting at the desk in the bedroom, writing something. Mike comes in and kisses her on the head from behind.)

Carol: Sir, may I please remind you that I am a happily married woman and a mother?

Mike: Yeah, this is how you get that way. (She gets up and they kiss) Listen, I bring you some good news.

Carol: First, let me tell you my good news. Did you know Jan was nominated for most popular girl in the class.

(Mike says the last five words along with Carol.)

Mike: Yes, six kids and a housekeeper laid that on me before I had two feet in the door.

Carol: Well, what’s your good news?

Mike: You know that long weekend we’ve been planning for over a year?

Carol: Yeah.

Mike: We are going on the 8th. Everything’s arranged at the office.

Carol (hugging him): Oh, honey, that’s terrific. Oh, it will be like a second honeymoon. That’s one rerun I’m really gonna enjoy.

Mike: Yep.

(Meanwhile, the girls are downstairs in the family room.)

Cindy: We’ll need a lot of vote for Jan Brady posters.

Marcia: That’s right, and lots of handbills, too.

Jan: And I’m gonna need all the help I can get, because the election’s next week. And if there’s ever anything I can do for you, anything at all, just ask.

Cindy (half-jokingly): You can take my turn at the dentist.

Jan: I’d even promise that.

Marcia: Hey Jan, you know what you need is a good manager to co-ordinate all your activities at school.

Jan: Yeah, but who? It’s gotta be somebody who goes to my school. And someone who (she realizes) Hey, what’s the matter with me? Peter!

Peter: if he’ll do it.

Jan: Of course he’ll do it, he’s my brother. And blood is thicker than water.

(Next, Jan is upstairs in the boys’ room.)

Peter (sternly): No way.

Jan: But Peter, you’re my brother. And blood is thicker than water.

Peter: So what? So is glue.

Jan: Why won’t you do it?

Peter: Personal reasons.

Bobby: Yeah, and her name is Kathy Williams.

Jan (upset): What about Kathy Williams?

Peter: Well, if you must know, she asked me to mange her campaign.

Jan: And you’d actually help her instead of me?

Peter: I didn’t say I would yet. But you’re only my sister, she’s a girl.

Jan: But Peter, I don’t have a chance without a good campaign manager. Please, I’ll promise anything in return for my help. Name your price.

Peter: I can’t be bought.

Jan; Oh, Peter, I…

Bobby: I can, and a lot cheaper, too.

Jan: Bobby, the person who’s gonna be my campaign manager has to go to my school, but I can still use your help. (She goes to Peter again) Peter.

Peter: On second thought, Jan, if you really mean to promise anything in return for my help.

Jan: Anytihng, Peter. Just name it.

Peter: Well, I could use a small loan just for…

Jan: You got it.

Peter: You don’t even know for what.

Jan: Who cares.

Peter: You don’t even know for how much.

Jan: Who cares?

Peter: When do i have to pay you back?

Jan: Who cares.

Peter: You got yourself a campaign manager. My heart belongs to Kathy, but my blood belongs to you.

Jan: Thanks, Peter. I really appreciate it.

Bobby: I can be his assistant for a smaller loan.

Jan: It’s a deal.

(She shakes his hand, then Peter’s hand, She leaves the room and Peter and Bobby shake hands.)

(Greg comes home through the kitchen.)

Greg: Alice, did I get a phone call from a guy named Richie. It’s kind of important.

Alice: No, but it might be quicker if he sent u a telegram.

Greg: What?

(She points to Jan, who is on the phone in the living room.)

Alice: And her three minutes were up about two hours ago.

(Greg goes over to Jan, who is making promises and discusses what to do on her campaign. she promises to be a friend for life and hangs up.)

Greg: And if you want another friend for life, let me make a csll, huh.

Jan: Sure. (She looks at her phone book) Just as soon as I make one more call.

(She goes to make another call.)

Greg: Jan, you want votes, huh.

Jan: Do I ever.

Greg: Well, what would you say if I said I had friends in school who have brothers and sisters that go to your school who might be talked into voting for you.

Jan (hanging up): I’d say, make your call. (She gives him the phone) And if there’s anything else I can do for you, just name it.

Greg: I will.

(She leaves and he gets on the phone. Mike is in his den and Carol comes in with a box.)

Carol: Ah, you beat me home, huh.

Mike: Yes.

Carol: I was out shopping for our weekend at the beach.

Mike: Well.

(She shows him a part of a new bikini she bought.)

Carol: What do you think, honey? Does it do anything for me?

Mike: Not nearly as much as what it’s gonna do for me. Be a little chilly on the beach at night.

Carol: At night?

Mike: We don’t have a room.

Carol (disappointed): Oh, no, Mike. We couldn’t get a reservation.

Mike: Honey, everything’s booked solid for the weekend of the 8th. I even called a friend of a friend.

Carol: And.

Mike: They’re not friends anymore.

Carol: well, there goes our weekend and our second honeymoon.

Mike: Wait, not necessarily. Listen, I was thinking, since everyone’s flocking to the beach, why don’t we flock to the mountains. They’re having good skiing.

Carol: Mike, we haven’t skiied in ages.

Mike: Well, who skis on honeymoons.

Carol: Hey, maybe you’re right. We can limp around, nobody will know the difference.

Mike: Right. I’ll make reservations first thing.

Carol: Okay. So long, bikini, I got to trade you in for some long underwear.

(Cut to the kitchen. Jan sees Alice in there.)

Jan: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi, honey.

(She goes inside the refrigerator for some milk.)

Jan: What you doing?

Alice: Helping you get elected. You can’t very well pass out cigars at school but, you could pass out these.

Jan: What’s that?

Alice: Homemade fortune cookies. There’s a little message inside each one.

(Jan takes one. She opens it up and reads the message.)

Jan: Be a smart cookie, vote for Jan Brady. Oh, that’s a super idea, Alice. Thank you.

(She hugs Alice. Upstairs, Marcia and Cindy are making posters and slogans.)

Marcia: Cindy, look.

(She shows her a poster she worked on. It says in big letters, Vote for Jan Brady.)

Cindy: Vote for Jan Brady.

Marcia: I’ve got an idea. I’ll put this poster on the back of the car and I’ll drive Jan around the neighborhood. And then she can pass out those cookies that Alice made.

Cindy: Yeah, and I got an idea, too. I’m making an ad for Jan to put in her school newspaper. (Marcia looks impressed) Hey, what’s that word that you write when you don’t want anybody to know your name?

Marcia: You mean anonymous?

Cindy: Yeah, that’s it. (She writes anonymous on her paper). There, how does this sound? Vote for Jan Brady, most popular girl. She’s pretty, smart, nice and kind. I ought to know, because I’m her sister. Signed, anonymous.

Marcia (laughing): Oh, Cindy.

(We take you to the garage. Peter and Cindy are using a machine to distribute more posters for Jan.)

Bobby: I wish we borrowed a better machine.

Peter: Stop complaining, keep cranking.

(Greg comes out to empty garbage.)

Greg: Hey, if that’s money you’re printing up, I’ll take a package of $100s.

Peter: These handbills are for Jan’s campaign.

Greg: Yeah, let me see. (He takes one and reads it) They’re great except for one thing.

Bobby: what’s that?

Greg: They’re so messy you can’t read them.

Peter: Oh, well these first ones are just samples. They’ll get better.

Greg: Well, if they don’t, you’ve got a good smear campaign going.

(He laughs but the guys look at him with an insulted look.)

(Next, Peter and Jan are at their school. Peter is passing out the handbills to students.)

Peter: Vote for Jan Brady. Be sure to vote for Jan Brady. Jan Brady is the most popular girl. Vote for Jan Brady. Be sure to vote for Jan Brady. Jan Brady is the most popular girl. Be sure to vote for Jan Brady. Don’t forget. Vote for Jan Brady. Be sure to vote for Jan Brady. Jan Brady is the most popular girl.

(Meanwhile, Jan is speaking to several other students. A student named Herman comes over to her.)

Jan: And if you vote for me, I will never, ever forget it. If any of you ever need a favor, all you have to do is ask.

Herman: You really mean that, Jan?

Jan: Of course I do, Herman.

Herman: Well, I got a favor to ask.

Jan: Your wish is my command.

Herman: I’m flunking algebra and I need help.

Jan: You got it. My brother Greg is a whiz at Algebra, he’ll give you all the help you need.

Herman: Gee, thanks. That be super.

Jan: No problem. Just remember, Jan Brady is the most popular girl.

Herman: You got my vote.

(At that time, Shirley, another friend of Jan’s comes to her.)

Shirley: Hey, Jan.

Jan: Oh, hi, Shirley.

Shirley: Do you remember what you said about babysitting for my brother?

Jan: Sure do. It’s the least I can do for a friend who’s voting for me.

Shirley: I’ll take you up on that. I’ll let you know when, okay.

Jan: Okay. Any time, Shirley.

Shirley: Okay, bye.

Jan: Bye.

Peter: Hey, Jan.

Jan: Yeah.

Peter: How goes the campaign?

Jan: Okay, I hope. Gee, it sure takes a lot of promises to get elected, doesn’t it.

Peter: Who have you got things promised to?

Jan: Everybody. Do you think I have a chance to win, Peter?

Peter: Well, I’ll tell you a good way to find out.

Jan: How?

Peter (jokingly): Count the votes after the election this afternoon. (He hands her a handbill) Here, vote for jan Brady.

(She playfully hits him with her bag as he walks away. Back at home, Carol and Alice are in the kitchen making a salad.)

Alice: Oh, your weekend in the mountains sounds heavenly. It would do you and Mr. Brady a world of good to get away on your own for a little while.

Carol: Oh yeah, but it sure will seem strange without the kids, Alice. You know, raising a family gets to be a habit.

Alice: Yeah, it’s a habit I’d like to talk Sam into.

(Carol laughs and Peter comes home.)

Peter: Da-da-da–da-da-da, presenting her royal majesty, the most popular girl in her class, jan Brady!

(Jan runs in.)

Jan: Mother, I won, I actually won!

Carol: Oh, Jan, that’s great!

(She hugs her.)

Jan: Oh, my hard work finally paid off.

Peter: And everyone else who helped.

Jan: Oh, yeah. Oh, isn’t it fantastic.

Alice: This calls for a celebration. I’m going to prepare a special dish tonight. Something different, something really far out.

Carol: What’s that, Alice?

Alice: A recipe with meat in it.

Jan: I’ll go tell the others what happened. (She sees Greg on the phone in the living room. He finishes his call) Greg, Greg, I won. I was voted most popular girl.

Greg: I know.

Jan: How did you know?

Greg: That call was from a kid in your class named Herman.

Jan: Herman, what did he want?

Greg: He’s got this stupid idea that I’m gonna help him with his algebra.

Jan: Oh, that. Well, I did sort of promise him that you would.

Greg (angry): Well, you had no right to promise him I’d do anything.

Jan: Well, I needed his vote.

Greg: I don’t happen to have time to help Herman. I have my own studies to worry about.

Jan: Don’t worry. He’ll find someone else to help him.

Greg: But you made him a promise.

Jan: Only a campaign promise. The election is over and I won. That’s the important thing.

(She goes upstairs leaving Greg to fume. The scene fades away.)

(The next day, Jan is at school and her friend Shirley approaches her.)

Shirley: Jan.

Jan: Oh, hi, Shirley.

Shirley: I’m glad I found you. I really need that favor.

Jan: What favor?

Shirley: You said you’d babysit for my little brother. What about tonight?

Jan: Not tonight. I’ll do it some other time.

Shirley: But you promised, and this is really important to me.

Jan: I’m sorry. I’m busy tonight.

(She walks away and leaves Shirley unhappy. Herman comes and stops her.)

Herman (upset): Just a minute. Thanks a lot, Miss Popularity.

Jan: What for?

Herman: For nothing, that’s what.

Jan: What’s wrong with you?

Herman: You said your brother Greg was gonna help me with algebra, didn’t you.

Jan: Oh, well don’t blame me, blame Greg.

Herman: But you’re the one who promised.

Jan: Well, it wasn’t my fault. I was sure he’d help.

Herman: I wish I could buy my vote back, and so do a lot of the kids.

Jan: They’re just jealous. (She sees Peter) Going home, Pete.

Peter: In a couple of minutes. Boy, the kids sure don’t like the way you’re acting.

Jan: I simply don’t have time to do everything for everybody.

Peter: Well, they’re all pretty down on you.

Jan: Are you kidding? Jan Brady is the most popular girl in her class.

(She leaves and we take you back to the house. Peter and Bobby are in their room. They are upset because Jan broke her promise to let them borrow money.)

Peter: No way, we don’t have enough money.

Bobby (bitterly): With a sister like Jan, you don’t need enemies.

(Mike passes by.)

Mike: Hi, men.

(Peter gets up and runs to him.)

Peter: Hey, Dad, Dad, Dad, can we see you for a second?

Mike: What’s up?

Peter: Any chance of getting an advance on our future allowances?

Mike: How far in the future is that future?

Bobby: Not too far. We’ll live long enough to repay it.

Peter: You see I put down an $8 dollar deposit on a radio, and Bobby put down a $3 deposit on a skateboard. And now we got a problem.

Mike: What’s the problem?

Peter: I haven’t got the $8 and Bobby hasn’t got the $3.

Mike: How could you put down money that you didn’t have?

Bobby: We thought we had it.

Peter: But Jan welched out on her promise to loan it to us.

Mike: Well, I’m sure Jan has a reason for breaking her promise.

Bobby: She sure does. She’s a phony. She just used us to get elected.

Peter: We got 5 other kids, could we put her up for adoption?

Mike (laughing): I don’t think so. Look, don’t be too hard on her. I’ll see what I can do about the advance.

(He leaves.)

Peter: Thanks, Dad.

(He goes into his bedroom.)

Mike: Hi, honey. I’m home.

Carol (calling from the bathroom): Be right there, sweetheart. Did you get the ski lodge reservation?

Mike: Yeah, no problem. They’re gonna call right back and confirm it.

(She comes out wearing a ski outfit.)

Carol: I was able to exchange the beach things. It came out even. (She shows him) You like?

Mike: Hey, yeah, I do like. Of course, it leaves a little more to the imagination than the bikini. But, with an imagination like mine, I come out ahead.

(He kisses her.)

Carol: Your imagination may be good, but your aim leaves a lot to be desired.

Mike: Oh, yeah. Prepare for a direct hit.

(He goes to kiss her again but the phone rings.)

Carol: Oh, your target will be back in just a minute. (She answers the phone) Hello. Oh, yes he is. Hold on a minute, please. (to Mike) It’s the ski lodge.

Mike: Hey, good. (He gets on the phone) Hello. Ye sit is.

Carol: Ask them for an outside room.

Mike: Yes, I see. Oh, are you sure? I see. No, thatnk you very much.

(He hangs up.)

Carol (abruptly); You didn’t ask for an outisde room.

Mike: I didn’t have to. We got one. Way outside, outside the lodge.

Carol: What happened?

Mike: They’re overbooked for the weekend of the 8th. He called to apologize for the mistake.

Carol (upset): Oh, no! There goes our first long weekend.

Mike: Well, now, honey. There’s gotta be a way to get in. Don’t give up the ship.

Carol: Okay, John Paul. Where are we going?

(Mike ponders for a second.)

Mike: Got an idea. We didn’t go to the beach, we didn’t go to the mountains. Let’s go somewhere in between.

(Next, Jan is downstairs typing and Marcia comes in.)

Marcia: Jan.

Jan: Oh, not now. I got to finish my most popular girl acceptance speech. I give it on senior night.

Marcia: All I want to know is, who is your date for the dance afterwards?

Jan: Well, the most popular boy naturally, Billy Garst.

Marcia: You didn’t say he asked you.

Jan: Oh, he hasn’t yet, but he will. Who else would he take but the most popular girl.

Marcia: I guess. Listen, after you’re through, you said you’d finish up my washing and ironing tonight. I need it for school tomorrow.

Jan: Oh, Marcia, I got a million things to do tonight.

Marcia: But Jan, you promised.

Jan: I’m really busy. I made all sorts of plans.

Marcia: I made plans too because you made that promise.

Jan: Not tonight. Some other time.

(Marcia angrily leaves and Bobby and Cindy comes in.)

Bobby: What’s the matter with her?

Jan: Oh, she’s just upset because I won’t let her use me.

(Bobby and Cindy pull up a couple of chairs and turn on the television. Jan gets distracted and gets up to turn it off.)

Jan: Do you mind?

Bobby: Are you looking for a broken arm? We want to watch TV.

Jan: Not now. I have a very important speech to write.

Cindy: Yeah, not to mention the book report you were supposed to help me write.

Jan: Cindy, I already told you, there’s just not enough time for everything.

Bobby (to Cindy): Instead of voting her the most popular, they should’ve voted her the most obnoxious.

Jan: I’m never gonna get any work done in here.

(She gets up, takes her books and typewriter, and leaves. Cindy waves good-bye to her.)

(Carol comes into Mike’s den wearing a ranch outfit when he’s not looking.)

Carol: Turn around real slow, partner, and don’t make a move for your gun.

(Mike turns around.)

Mike: Oh, ho, ho. Wow, you can ride my range anytime. Be the dude of the dude ranch.

Carol: What are you going to wear?

Mike: Well, my old cowboy boots.

Carol: Well, you better wear something else or you’re gonna get arrested.

Mike: Not to mention sunburn.

Carol: Oh, I hope nothing happens to our reservations.

Mike: No way, we are confirmed for the 8th.

Carol: You’re a genuis.

(They kiss. Jan comes in.)

Jan: Mom, Dad, do you have a minute.

Carol: Sure, honey.

Jan: I’m just about finished my acceptance speech. Do you want to hear it?

Carol: Yeah.

Mike: Mmm hmm, okay. Fire away.

Jan: Faculty, parents, honored guests, fellow students, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls…

Carol: Jan, I think that covers just about everybody.

Jan: I’m very honored to have been elected most popular girl. It’s really a great honor because that other students believe I have more charm and personality than any other girl in the class.

Mike (sarcastically): You’re sure you want to be so humble?

Jan: Why do I have to be so humble? I won, didn’t I? So I must have deserved to.

Carol: You deserve to be grateful. Jan, that speech sounds like nothing more than an ego trip.

Jan: Well, I’m proud of myself. There’s nothing wrong with that, is there?

Mike: Jan, I’m afraid you missed the point. I’ll tell you, I wouldn’t want to get up in front of my classmates and deliver a speech like that. But you are big enough to make up your own mind.

Carol: Jan.

Jan: I guess there’s no point in reading you the rest of it. You will be there at the reward presentation, won’t you.

Carol: Yes, Jan, we’ll be there. But we’re not crazy about that speech. I sure wish you’d think about it a little more.

(She strats to leave.)

Jan; Oh, by the way, they changed it to Friday.

Mike: The 8th?

Jan: Yes.

Carol: Tell me she didn’t say Friday the 8th.

Mike: She didn’t say Friday the 8th.

Carol: Thank you.

Mike: But she did. (Carol hands him the phone) Hello, dude ranch.

(Jan is upstairs going to try on some clothes to wear for her presentation.)

Jan: Marcia.

Marcia (bitterly); What?

Jan: Do you think this dress is okay for my senior night?

(Peter comes in the room.)

Marcia: Well, it all depends on what creeps are wearing this season.

Jan (defensive): I’m not a creep!

Peter: I agree with Jan, she’s not a creep.

Jan: thank you.

Peter (angry); You’re a super creep.

Jan: What’s bugging you?

Peter: Do you know who Kathy Williams was going to the senior night dance with?

Jan: I thought you said with you.

Peter: Well, that’s what I thought, too. But she just called and said she wasn’t gonna be seen with the brother of a jerky sister, who’s the most unpopular girl in school.

Jan: Well, if she said that, she doesn’t deserve to have a date.

Peter: Oh, she does have a date, she’s going with Billy Garst, the most popular boy in school.

Jan (shocked): Billy Garst?

Peter: Yeah, who alos wouldn’t want to be seen with you?

(He leaves.)

Marcia: I thought you were going with Billy Garst.

Jan: So did I. The most popular guy always takes the most p[opular girl. It’s a tradition.

Marcia: Congratulations, Jan. You’ve just given the word popular a new meaning.

(Jan is talking to her parents.)

Jan: I thought winning would be the greatest, but everyone seems to have changed.

Mike: Maybe it’s you who changed.

Jan: I’m still the same.

Carol: Are you sure, Jan? Your brothers and sisters seem to think you let your success go to your head.

Mike: they also think they’ve been had. You promised them everything in the world for getting elected, and you gave nothing in return.

Jan: My intentions are good.

Mike: Intentions are not good enough.

Jan: Suddenly I feel as popular as the measles.

Carol: Well, the question is, Jan, what are you gonna do about it?

Jan: Well, I know what I’m not gonna do. I’m not gonna go to senior night and face all that hostility.

(She gets up and leaves.)

Carol (shocked): I don’t believe this.

Mike: Now let me get this straight. We’re not going to the beach, we’re not going to the mountains, we’re not going to the dude ranch, because we cancelled the reservations. We are going to Jan’s senior night, where Jan won’t be?

Carol: Yep, that just about covers everything.

(The next scene has the family eating dinner in cold silence. Alice comes out.)

Alice: Well, how about dessert? I got high cal, low cal or no cal.Anybody for any cal?

(The kids all turn it down. Some of them start to leave the table.)

Jan: Would you all wait a minute? I’ve got something I’d like to say, please? It’s important. (They all sit back down) Mom, Dad, I’ve decided to go to senior night and give my speech after all.

Carol: Oh, Jan, honey, you know how we all feel about that speech.

Jan: Oh, well, it’s not that speech. It’s a different one that I just wrote, and I’d like you all to hear it because it concerns you. (She gets up to read it) Dear friends, thank you for giving me this honor. But even more important than winning was a lesson I learned. It has to do with being grateful and giving, and receiving. I am very grateful I received, and now I’m going to start giving. In the campaign, making promises just to get elected is wrong. And if it takes me the rest of my life, I’m gonna keep very promise I made to everybody. Well, there’s more, but that’s the general idea.

(The rest of the family applauds and Jan leaves the table. Peter comes up to her.)

Peter: Jan, can you do me a favor?

Peter: Yes, I’ll loan you the money.

Peter: No, not that. After you make that speech, how about being my date at the dance. That is, if you don’t mind showing up with your own dumb brother.

Jan: Oh, Peter, I’d be honored.

(They hug and then Mike clinks his glass to make a speech.)

Mike: Now hear this. I have a speech of my own to give. (He motions and whistle for Jan and Peter to return to the table) First of all, (to Jan) I am very proud of you. (He kisses Jan) Second of all, in spite of all the delays, your mother and I are going on a weekend vacation no matter what. (she questions where) Well, I don’t know where, but I promise you it’ll be someplace. And a Brady never goes back on his promise. Right, Jan.

Jan: Right, Dad.

(He and Carol kiss.)

Mike: Now, where’s the dessert?

Alice: yes, would you like high cal, low cal or no cal?

All: Any cal.

Alice: All cal, all right.

(The scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Mike and Carol in their bedroom. Alice knocks.)

Alice: mr. and Mrs. Brady, are you awake?

Mike: Barely, Alice. Come in.

(She brings in a tray with breakfast and coffee.)

Alice: Good morning.

Carol: Alice, what in the world is that?

Alice: Breakfast in bed is what that is.

Mike: What’s the occasion?

Alice: Well, because you had to stay in town last night to hear Jan’s speech and because you didn’t get to go on your long weekend and take your second honeymoon.

Carol: Alice, this is very sweet of you.

Mike: That’s very thoughtful.

Alice: Of course it won’t be quite the same as going away for your second honeymoon but, maybe this will help. (She shows them a do not disturb sign) I’ll hang it on the door.

Carol; Alice, what will the children think?

Alice: Who do you think made up the sign?

(She hangs it on the inside door and leaves. Then comes back in.)

Alice: Sorry about that.

(She takes it and puts it on the outside door.)

THE END

S5 E12 The Elopement

The Elopement

Written by Harry Winkler

The Bradys believe that Alice and Sam are eloping. I hope you like the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

SAM the butcher

REVEREND MELBOURNE

GLADYS, woman the Bradys hire for temporary housekeeper

(The episode begins with Marcia and Jan coming home from school. Bobby is paying an organ, albeit very badly. Jan complains to Marcia it sounds trrible. They see him and laugh.)

Bobby: Hi, how am I doing?

Marcia: Well, I don’t know who finally kicked you out of the house with that thing but I’m glad.

Bobby: What do you know about music anyway?

Marcia: Oh, is that what it is?

Bobby: My teacher likes it.

Jan: Then how come she loaned you the organ an dtold you to practice at home?

(Bobby laughs and plays a key very distractingly as they leave. When th egirls enter the house, Alice is on the phone with Sam.)

Alice: Sure I can keep a secret Sam. what’s the secret?

Sam (on the other line in the butcher shop): Well, you met my cousin Clara, huh.

Alice: Yeah, so, go on.

Sam: She wants us to be best man and maid of honor. She’s eloping.

Alice (happily): Eloping!

Sam (annoyed): Alice! I told you this was a big secret. Will you shush.

Alice: I’m shushing. So exciting, Sam, when is it gonna be?

Sam: They elope next Sunday. That way it won’t interfere with our Saturday night bowling date.

Alice: Oh, that’s great. I’d even give up that for an elopement. What a surprise, Sam.

Sam: You see, Alice, as long as you’re gonna be maid of honor, you’ll probably wanna wear sometihng special, right?

Alice: For an occasion like this, I’ll buy the fanciest dress in town.

Sam: Swell. Well, see you Saturday night at 8 for bowling.

Alice: Oh, I’ll be ready, and waiting. (She hangs up. Then she turns around and sees the girls) Oh, hi girls, how was school?

Marcia: Dull compared to what seems to be going on around here.

Alice: Around here. Oh, you mean with Sam.

Marcia: Yeah, with Sam.

Alice: We were just talking about our big bowling date. Sam and I are in the semi-finals of the Mixed Doubles Tournament.

Jan (laughing): Sur eyou are.

(The girls laugh.)

Alice: We’re talking about bowling.

Marcia: Nothing. We understand, Alice.

(They continue to laugh and Alice walks away.)

Jan (to Marcia): What do you think?

Marcia: What do I think? I know. Alice and Sam are eloping.

Jan: Wow.

Marcia: Wow, wow, wow.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike and Carol in the family room. The girls are telling them what they heard.)

Carol: What makes you think Alice and Sam are eloping?

Marcia: Well, we sort of overheard the phone conversation between them.

Mike: You mean you were eavesdropping?

Jan: No, not at all. Honest.

Carol: Anyway, you two could be jumping to conclusions.

Marcia: But Alice even used the word elope. And she was all excited about it.

Mike: If Alice were going to elope, I’m sure she’d be considerate enough to tell us she was gonna be gone. Unless, of course, Sam were to ask her to keep it a secret for some reason.

Carol: Right. And it’s strictly their own business and none of ours.

Marcia: Maybe Alice just has to be coaxed a little to tell us.

Mike: Girls, if Alice wants to tell us, she’ll tell us.

Carol: Right, Like I said, it’s their own business and none of ours. Snooping is a definite no-no.

(The next scene has Carol and Alice in the kitchen. Carol is shpowing Alice wedding pictures.)

Carol: Here, here’s Mike and me on our honeymoon, Alice.

Alice: Now, thta’s a romantic picture.

Carol: Oh, it was. Did you know our original plan was to elope? Secretly?

Alice: That’s what makes an elopement an elopement.

Carol: Of course we had to change our minds. Well, we figured somebody would find out. Did you know very few people can keep a secret?

Alice: Yeah. Zippers weren’t invented for lips.

Carol: I must say, though, I’ve always been able to keep a secret.

Alice: Good. Like you say, not many people can.

Carol: Well, I mean, if somebody close to me were planning an elopement, she could trust me in plenty, if you know what I mean.

(Alice gets up and then stops.)

Alice: Mrs. Brady, are you concerned that some member of this household is planning an elopement?

Carol: Well, it’s a possibility.

Alice: I suppose so, but as far as I know, Marcia’s not even going steady.

(Mike is at his office when he receives a phone call from Sam.)

Sam: Hello, Mike Brady. Hey, Sam, what can I do for you?

Sam: Well, Mr. Brady, you being an architect and all, I was wondering if I might ask you a question, housewise.

Mike: Sure, Sam, fire away.

Sam: Well, I have this friend who’s planning on getting married.

Mike: Oh, anybody we know?

Sam: No, just a friend of mine. Well, anyway, he doesn’t have a lot of loot so he’s looking around for some nice low-cost housing.

Mike: I see. Well, Sam, now, this friend of yours, when is he planning on getting married?

Sam: Well, the elopement, I mean the wedding will be pretty quick now.

Mike: Oh, yeah, well, I think I understand. Sam, let me check around with a few brokers and I’ll get back to you, okay.

Sam: Gee, thanks a lot, Mr. Brady. I really appreciate that.

Mike: Ah, not at all. Oh, Sam, would you tell the bride and the groom that my wife, and myself, and all of our children wish them health, and happiness and good fortune.

Sam: Thanks a lot, Mr. Brady. I’ll tell them what you said. Bye.

Mike: Good-bye, Sam.

(He hangs up and smiles to himself.)

Sam (to himself): that was very nice of them to be so happy for my cousin Clara.

(Back at home, Bobby is practicing the organ but not doing much better than before. Peter and Cindy are watching.)

Bobby: How am I doing now?

Cindy: Still sounds awful, but you’re playing a lot faster.

Peter: So it’s awful for less time.

Bobby: Horrity hor hor.

Cindy: If you knew what I knew, you’d be practicing the wedding march.

Peter: What do you know thta we don’t know?

Cindy: You promise not to tell anybody else?

Bobby: Doesn’t anybody else know?

Cindy: Sure, everybody knows. But Alice doesn’t know thta we know.

Peter: that we know what?

Cindy: That she and Sam are eloping.

Peter: Eloping?

Bobby: Eloping?

(Next, we’re down at Sam’s butcher shop. Reverend Melbourne comes in.)

Sam (to a customer): Thank you very much. (He sees the reverend) And, what can I do for you today, Reverend?

Reverend: Half a pound of ground round. And tell your cousin Clara to be at the house at 8:00, promptly. I have another wedding at 9.

Sam: Half a pound of ground, 8 o’clock sharp for Clara.

Reverend: You want to single to or a double ring ceremony?

Sam: Double. Oh, and I got some nice filet of fresh soul, Reverend. Interested?

Reverend: I’m always interested in the sole, Sam.

Sam: Well, I’ll weigh you up a couple of nice slices.

(Greg and Marcia come in.)

Greg: Hi, Sam. Hi, Rev.

Sam: Hi, kids.

Reverend: Hi, Greg. How are you?

Sam: What brings you by?

Marcia: Alice asked us to stop by after school so we could pick up our order.

Sam: Oh, fine, I’ll be right with you.

Reverend (to Greg): How’s the family.

Greg: Fine, thanks.

Reverend: Good.

Greg: Any good weddings lately, Reverend?

Reverend: Seems like I’m tying more knots than a troop of Boy Scouts, Greg.

Marcia: Do you have any more coming up soon?

Reverend: I never know, Marcia. Seems like it’s open season on grooms.

Sam (getting the meat): Yep, one never knows. Huh, Reverend? Let’s see, that’ll be $3.50.

Reverend: That much?

Sam: Well, like they say, it’s better to give than to receive.

Reverend (giving Sam money): Like they also say, do not covet thy neighbor’s wallet.

(He takes the meat.)

Sam: Bye, bye, reverend. (to the kids) I’ll get Alice’s order or you.

Greg: Thanks, Sam.

Marcia: That really cinches it, Greg.

Greg: The reverend is proof positive.

(Back home, the girls are discussing the matter with Mike and Carol.)

Carol: Cindy, that doesn’t necessarily mean anytihng just because you saw Alice coming out of Sandrell’s Dress Shop.

Cindy: Yes, but Marcia and Jan heard her say dresses are for a special occasion.

Jan: That’s exactly what she told Sam over the phone.

Marcia: And what about Reverend Melbourne at Sam’s butcher shop.

Carol: What do you think, Mike?

Mike: Well, there’s also that phone call I got from Sam today.

Carol: Oh.

Marcia: What did he want?

Mike: He wanted my help in finding a house for a friend who was getting married soon.

Jan: People always say a friend when they’re talking about themselves and they don’t want anybody to know.

Cindy: That’s what I always say.

Mike: Sam almost let the word elopement slip out once.

Carol: You know something, if this were a trial, I’d think we’ve got enough evidence for a conviction.

Jan: Right. Alice is guilty of marriage.

Marcia: Alice and Sam.

Cindy: Hey, maybe we can buy our meat wholesale now.

Carol: there’s still one thing about this elopement we don’t know. When is it going to take place?

(Alice comes in the room.)

Alice: Excuse me, folks, but Mr. and Mrs. Brady, I was wondering…. (They all turn around and look at her delightedly) Is anything wrong?

Alice: Oh, not at all, Alice.

Mike: What makes you say that?

Alice: Well, the way you were staring at me, I thought maybe I left my face in the other room.

Marcia: Alice, you look positively great.

Jan: Your eyes are twinkling and your cheeks are glowing.

Cindy: You’ll make a beautiful bride (Marcia nudges her) someday.

Alice: Yeah, sure, someday, what I wanted to ask you folks was okay if I take saturday night off?

Mike: This Saturday?

Alice: Yeah.

Carol: Any special reason, Alice?

Alice: Yeah, Sam and I are in a big bowling tournament.

Carol (laughing): Bowling, huh?

Mike (laughing): That’s what the lady said, bowling.

Marcia: She said bowling.

Jan: Bowling.

Cindy: Bowling.

Marcia: Bowling.

Cindy (getting it): Oh, bowling.

(The girls leave.)

Alice (clueless): What’s so funny about the word bowling lately?

Mike: Alice, of course you can have Saturday night off. In fact, you can have the whole day off.

Carol: Alice, we couldn’t be happier about your bowling date.

(We take you to the garage. Bobby is still practicing his organ.)

Alice: What’s that tune Bobby’s trying to play? It sounds vaguely familiar.

Carol: Alice, if you’re thinking of the wedding march, it doesn’t sound like it to me.

Mike: I think I better get him before the neighbors do.

(He goes outside.)

Carol: Honest, Alice, it doesn’t sound a thing like the wedding march.

(Later that night, Mike and Carol are getting ready for bed.)

Mike: You know, I also think Alice should take a week or so off for the honeymoon.

Carol: We’ll insist.

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: First thing in the morning, I’ll call the employment agency and try to get a temporary replacement.

Mike: Yeah.

Carol (worried): Mike, you don’t think Alice will leave us after she’s married, do you?

Mike: Oh, no. I think she would’ve told us by now.

Carol: Well, what puzzles me is why Alice doesn’t tell us about the elopement.

Mike: Well, maybe she and Sam think we’d make a big deal out of it if we knew.

Carol: Of course we’d make a big deal out of it. Alice means a great deal to us.

Mike: Yes, but honey, maybe they don’t want a big reception.

Carol: But it doesn’t have to be a big reception. Just a small family reception. You know, Mike, I was just thinking.

Mike: Uh huh. I kinda figured you were.

Carol: Why, aren’t Sam and Alice gonna be surprised when they walk in on their own wedding reception.

(She turns out the light and the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Alice leaving for the store.)

Alice: Is there anything special you want me to add to the shopping list?

Carol: Well, you might just get a couple extra packages of rice, Alice.

Alice: Okay.

(She starts to leave and the bell rings.)

Carol: Oh, you go right ahead. I’ll get it.

(alice leaves and Carol answers the door. It’s the new temporary housekeeper.)

Gladys: Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Yes.

Gladys: I’m Gladys Harris. The employment agency referred me for the housekeeping job.

Carol: Oh, yes. Well, the agency said they’d phone before thye sent anyone over.

Gladys: I’m afraid that’s my fault. I just happened to be in the area so I thought I’d drop by. I hope it’s not inconvenient.

Carol: Oh, no, not at all. As a matter of fact, you have split second timing, Mrs. Harris. Come in.

Gladys: Ah, you have a lovely home.

Carol: Thank you. I hope you know the job is just temporary. Our housekeeper is just gonna be gone a week or so.

Gladys: I understand. Are their any special requirements?

Carol: Uh, no, just the usual. Housekeeping, cleaning, laundry. But I guess I should mention the fact that we have six children.

Gladys (surprised): Six, six. Well, that’s a lot of diapers under the bridge.

Carol: Happily that’s all behind.

(Gladys laughs hard.)

Gladys: I like you.

(She gives Carol a hard pat.)

Carol (nervously): Why don’t I show you the rest of the house. I think you’ll find the kitchen quite prctical, Mrs. Harris.

(Alice comes back.)

Carol (surprised): Alice!

Alice: Hi, Mrs. Brady. I forgot the shopping list.

Carol: Uh, uh, uh, Mrs. Harris. Mrs. Harris, this is Alice Nelson. Alice Nelson, this is Mrs. Harris, uh, uh, Mrs. Harris is an old friend of the family.

Gladys: A what?

Carol: How are Jim and the kids? (Mrs. Harris sheepishly tries to answer) I’ll bet the boys have children of their own by now, don’t they. How is Mary Jane? Oh, well, I remember the good old times the three of us used to have.

Gladys: Good times, oh, yes, wonderful. I,I,I better be going. Old friend.

Carol: Uh, uh, uh, Mrs. Harris, Mrs. Harris, I, I, can’t wait to get together again and relive those good old days.

Gladys: Good old days. Fantastic.

Carol: Be sure to give my love to everybody.

Mrs. harris: good-bye.

(She gives the strangest look and then leaves. Alice next goes down to the butcher shop to see Sam. They seem to have a difference of opinion in gifts for the newlyweds.)

Sam: Listen, Alice, bowling balls make great gifts.

Alice: Not for a newly married couple. Sam, nobody wants to strike out on their honeymoon.

Sam: Come on, Alice. What have you got against bowling balls?

Alice: They’re just not sentimental.

Sam: Oh, well, not one of my bowling through for your ordinary one of the new bowling balls. But this is a matched set. His and hers.

Alice: Sam, that is about as romantic a gift as a year’s supply of chalk for their fingers.

Sam: As it turns out, chalk was second on my list.

alice: that figures.

Sam: Now, listen, Alice, you can always holler about my being late, gripe about the high prices of my meat, hate my neckties. But when it comes to bowling, you got to have a little respect.

Alice: But I got respect for bowling. But Sam, two bowling bowls. If Clara drops our present, she’ll go on her honeymoon with ten broken toes.

Sam: Also, anybody who thinks that bowling balls make a rotten wedding gift doesn’t have a whole lot of taste.

Alice: Oh, is that so?

Sam: Yeah.

Alice: Well, as far as I’m concerned, Clara can elope witohut me Sunday.

Sam: And as far as I’m concerned, you don’t have to go bowling with me Saturday night.

Alice: Well, as far as I’m concerned, I won’t. (She starts to leave and then stops) And as for a couple of other things, let me tell you this, Sam the butcher. You’re always late, your prices are too high, and that is the ugliest necktie I ever saw.

(She leaves the shop. Back home, Mike and Carol are in the den going over some plans.)

Mike: Now this might be the ideal home for Alice and Sam. It’s moderately priced. It’s well-built.

Alice (coming in the den): Excuse me.

Carol: What is it, Alice?

Alice: Well, you remember I asked you for Saturday night off.

Carol: Certainly.

Mike: Well, as a matter of fact, we got to talking about that, and we decided what you really need is a week off. Maybe two.

Alice: Two weeks for a bowling match.

Carol: Well, bowling can be a very strenuous sport, Alice.

Alice: i don’t understand.

Mike: Well, the important thing is, we understand,

Alice: Well, then, maybe you’ll understand what I’m about to say. I don’t even need Saturday off.

Carol: Why not?

Alice: Well, Sam and I had a fight and the bowling date’s off.

Mike: You broke your bowling date?

Carol (concerned): Alice, that is the worst thing I ever heard in my life.

Alice: I appreciate your concern, but it’s only a bowling date.

Mike: But it’s a very important bowling date.

Alice: So it pins ball. Anyway, Sam’s not the best fish in the ocean. Of course, I’m not the best bait, either.

(She leaves the den.)

Carol: Oh, Mike.

(Next, the boys are down at the butcher shop. they try to convince Sam to go back with Alice.)

Peter: Alice is really sorry about everything.

Sam: Did she say so?

Greg: You can read it on her face.

Bobby: Sam, you gotta take Alice bowling.

Sam: it’s that important.

Bobby: It sure is. I can almst play the whole song on my organ.

Sam: What song?

Greg: It’s called shut my mouth blues. What do you say, Sam.

Peter: Please?

(Sam thinks about it for a minute.)

Sam: No, I’m sorry. Alice has to make the first move.

(The girls are talking to Alice. She has the same attitude.)

Alice: Sorry, Sam has got to make the first move.

Marcia: But what if he doesn’t?

Alice: Then I just won’t go bowling with him.

Marcia: Alice, we’re not just talking about bowling. We’re talking about BOWLING.

Alice: Oh, I thought you were talking about bowling. No, the ball is now in Sam’s alley.

Jan: But, Alice, he was meant for you. And you understand him.

Alice: I understand this turkey, too (the one she is cooking) but it doesn’t mean I have to go bowling with it.

(Mike and Carol are in the den.)

Mike: Honey, I am sorry that Alice and Sam had that argument, but I really don’t think we should meddle.

Carol: Not even one little teeny meddle?

Mike: Well, what kind of meddle did you have in mind?

Carol: The kind where you invite Sam over, Alice opens the door, and skyrockets fall.

Mike: Yeah, that only happens on the fourth of July. Besides, I don’t have any reason to invite Sam over.

Carol: Ah, yes. You said you’d call Sam back and let him know what you found out about low cost housing, didn’t you.

Mike: True. But that’s before he and Alice had the argument.

Carol: Yes, but Sam doesn’t know that you know that information was for himself and not for a friend.

Mike: True, but he’ll think I know.

Carol: True, but as long as he thinks you know that he knows and he doesn’t know, that you think that she knows.

(She stops abruptly.)

Mike: You’re about three things I know ahead of me. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t think I know. You know?

Carol: No. (She comes to him with the phone) Mike, couldn’t you just call Sam and invite him over.

Mike: Well, okay. Maybe if we’re this confused, he’ll be too confused to refuse.

(Next, Alice answers the door and it’s sam. they give each other a cool reception.)

Alice: yes.

Sam: I came to see Mr. Brady.

Alice: Whom should I say is calling?

Sam: You know darn well whom is calling?

Alice: Oh, now I recognize you, it’s Mighty Mouth.

Sam: Listen to who’s talking. You got a tongue sharp enough to slice salami.

(Mike and Carol notice this from the kitchen.)

Mike (to Carol): What happened to the skyrockets you promised?

Carol: Well, sometimes they fizzle out.

Sam: Now, are you going to invite me in, or does Mr. brady have to come out here to talk to me? (She lets him in) Thank you. Now, if you’ll just be good enough to announce me.

Alice: Skip the formality, Sam. Just let me have the meat order and you can be on your way tot he sporting goods store to pick up those his and hers bowling balls.

Sam: For your information, bowling balls are out this season. And electric mixers are in.

Alice: Electric mixers?

Sam: Electric mixers.

Alice (smiling): Now, that’s romantic.

Sam: So’s this. (A package he has with him) There’s a little something special in here for you, Alice. 4 extra lamb chops in pink panties.

Alice (pleased): Sam, couldn’t be better if it was 14 karat gold.

Sam: Listen, meat is more expensive than gold today. Well, I just couldn’t figure another way to say I’m sorry.

Alice: I’m sorry, too, Sam.

Sam: Well, then, everything’s on again for Saturday night?

Alice: Everything. Just like we planned it.

Sam: Great.

Alice: And that’s a lovely necktie.

Sam: Oh, thanks, Alice.

Carol (to Mike): There go your skyrockets.

(The next scene has Alice and Sam leaving for their bowling match.)

Alice (to Carol and Mike): well, folks, this is it.

Carol: Sure is, Alice.

Sam: Biggest night of my life.

Mike: Yeah, the big match-up. Huh, Sam.

Sam: Boy, if I survive tonight, there will be no stopping me.

Alice: I’ll be right there keeping score.

Mike: yeah, well, happy bowling.

Carol: Alice, now you just relax and we’ll keep the house neat and tidy.

Alice: We’ll only be gone a little while, Mrs. Brady.

Sam: Unless I strike out in the first match, then we’ll be home sooner.

Carol: Alice, you take all the time you need.

Alice: Oh, thanks, but Sam can never stay awake very long after we’ve been bowling. let’s get at it, Sam.

Mike (shaking Sam’s hand): Bye, Sam. take care of our little girl, will you.

Sam: Sure thing, Mr. Brady.

Alice: Be back in a couple of hours.

(They all say good-bye and they leave.)

Carol (to Mike): Be back in a couple of hours?

Mike: Yeah, we got to get everytihng ready by then.

Carol: Yeah, we got to get a move on.

(Alice and Sam come back from bowling. They are outside the house.)

Alice: Thanks, Sam, that was a lot of fun.

Sam: Yeah, it was. Boy, we sure took the Star Shuttle Laundry Team, didn’t we.

Alice: how about a cup of coffee.

Sam: Well, maybe half a cup. You know, we have to get up early tomorrow for my cousin Clara’s elopement.

(They come inside and there is a reception awaiting them. Marcia and Jan turn the lights on and yell surprise. bobby plays the wedding march and everyone else yells surprise. The kids bring them to the living room where Mike toasts them.)

Mike: Okay, to the newlyweds.

Sam: I’ll drink to that. Who got married?

Mike (laughing): Bowling date, huh?

Carol: To Alice and Sam.

Sam: Alice and Sam?

Alice: us?

Carol: Alice, we couldn’t be happier.

(The kids insist she makes a speech.)

Alice: Well, I’m sorry, I don’t have a speech for this occasion, mostly on account of because there is no occasion.

Carol (confused): What do you mean, Alice? Didn’t you and Alice elope tonight?

Alice: We never even shook hands. What makes you think we got married?

Carol: Well…

Mike: Circumstantial evidence.

Sam: I got it. (to Alice) i bet they confused us with my cousin Clara.

Greg (surprised): Clara?

Alice: Yeah, Clara is going to elope tomorrow and Sam and I are going to stand up for the bride and groom.

(Carol and Mike are embarassed.)

Carol: Oh, no. Alice. I’m sorry. We thought…

Mike: I think we goofed. Oh, please accept our apologies.

Sam: Oh, sure, we’ll accept your apologies. I’ll also accept a little more champagne.

Mike: Okay, a little more coming up.

Sam: thank you.

Alice: Sam, as long as we went to al this trouble…

(He puts his champagne down.)

Sam: Alice, say no more. Folks, I have a very important announcement. Tonight, Alice and I advanced to the finals in the bowling tournament.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Alice telling Mike and Carol about the elopement.)

Alice: Cousin Clara never looked prettier. It was the nicest elopement I ever went to.

Carol: Boy, it must have been to move you so.

Alice: Even Sam was affected.We’re engaged.

(Carol and Mike get excited.)

Carol (happy): Alice, congratulations. When’s the big day?

Sam: Well, I got Sam pretty pinned down now. The place, the hour, the date. There’s just one thing he won’t commit to.

Mike: What’s that?

Alice: The century.

THE END

S5 E11 The Cincinnati Kids

The Cincinnati Kids

Written by Larry Rhine and Al Schwartz

Mike takes the family to Kings Island amusement park in Cincinnati. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG NRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

MARGE, girl Greg meets at park

2 employees dressed as animals

Employee at park

MR. REMINGTON, park director

(The episode begins with Peter coming into the kitchen, where Carol and Alice are.)

Peter: Isn’t Dad home yet?

Carol: No, he isn’t, Peter, and I suggest you go back to your homework.

Peter: I can’t concentrate since Dad called and said he big surprise for us.

Carol: Well, how about surprising him by going back and finishing your homework.

Peter: Okay, I’ll give it another try, but I can’t guarantee the results. (Cindy comes in) He’s not home yet.

Cindy: This is the longest day of my whole life. Nothing to do but homework.

(Bobby comes in the kitchen.)

Bobby: Alice.

Alice: Your Dad’s not home yet.

Bobby: How did you know I was gonna ask?

Alice: Because I’ve never seen you in and out of the kitchen so much without eating.

Bobby: Oh, thanks for reminding me.

(He grabs an orange.)

Carol: Hey, eat that outside. (to Alice) Kids, they’re so impatient.

Alice: Yeah, I’m glad we’re past that stage.

Carol: Right. I mean, if we’ll all just keep cool and calm, he’ll get here when he can, and then he’ll tell us what the surprise is. (He honks to signal he’s home and then Carol screams) He’s here, he’s here, everybody! He’s here!

(Bobby, Jan, Peter and Cindy come in the kitchen as Mike walks in. They all greet him with hellos and he kisses Carol.)

Cindy: Mom told us not to ask you anytihng about the big surprise.

Bobby: So we’re not asking.

Peter: But if you want to volunteer, Dad.

(Mike shows them a couple of cylinders he’s carrying.)

Mike: Well, you know these plans I’ve been working on for weeks?

Carol: Yes.

Mike: Mr. Phillips is sending me to Cincinnati to submit them.

Carol (unenthusiastic): That’s the big surprise?

Mike: There is one other small detail.

Carol: Yeah, what’s that?

Mike: The plans are for a big amusement park, and I thought you’d all like to go with me.

(They all get very excited and cheer. the scene fades away.)

(The next scene has a view of the park, as well as the people walking around it and on the rides. Mike is in his hotel room on the phone with Mr. Remington, the man who runs the amusement park.)

Mike: I’m sure you’ll be more than pleased with the sketches and ideas, Mr. Remington. Yes, well I sort of thought we’d have more… No, sure, sure, I understand, 1 o’clock will be fine. Yeah, well, I look forward to meeting you and Mr. Dempsey. Okay, good-bye. (He hangs up, to Carol) That’s great, we come all the way here and I have a fast half hour for a meeting before they have to catch a plane to New York.

Carol: Well, honey, at least we’ll have all morning in the park with the kids. hey, where do you want me to put these (blueprints)?

Mike: Let’s put them right here (on the dresser) where we can keep an eye on them.

Carol: Okay. You know, I think this is going to be fun.

Mike: It reminds me a little of our honeymoon. Remember?

Carol: How can I forget? With 6 kids along?

(They start to kiss and all the kids come running in cheerily after seeing the park.)

Peter: You won’t believe all the rides.

Marcia: The park is beautiful.

Greg: So are the girls.

Bobby: Let’s get going.

Carol: Okay, okay, we’ll be right there.

(They run off again.)

Mike: Like I was saying, just like our honeymoon.

Carol: Yeah.

(We see an even better view of the park. The Bradys walk around until they get to the Eiffel Tower.)

Mike: I’ll tell you what, go wherever you like, just remember we meet at the main restaurant at noon sharp.

(The kids take off again but Carol stops Bobby and Cindy.)

Carol: Hold it, hold it. No loading up, you two, on everything insight. We’re gonna have a big lunch, okay.

Bobby: Okay. Good-bye.

Carol: See you later.

Mike: Well, I guess we better get moving too, because I want to see as much of the park as possible before that meeting at 1 o’clock.

Alice: Wee wee monsieur

Carol: Wee wee? (Alice points) The Eiffel Tower. It makes me feel like a forget.

(The next few scenes have the Bradys touring the park. They are taking rides and checking out other great things. We now come to Bobby and Cindy, eating jelly apples.)

Cindy: You know, I just remembered sometihng.

Bobby: What?

Cindy: Well, Mom told us not to load up.

Bobby: Yeah, that’s right.

Cindy: So, what should we do?

Bobby: Well, Mom said never to waste food, right?

Cindy: Right.

Bobby: Apples are food.

Cindy: So we better not waste them.

(Mike is at the plate breaking counter with Greg and Peter. Peter is seeing how many he can break.)

Greg: All right.

Peter: I broke the most.

Mike: Yeah, and the victor goes to spoil. Spoil includes paying the man.

(He and Greg walk away.)

Peter: Hey, wait.

(An attractive young woman is at the football counter.)

Marge (yelling): Who will be next to throw the ball and win a prize? (Greg passes by) Care to try your luck?

Greg: Hi.

Marge: Hi.

Greg: What do i do?

Marge: You throw the balls through the holes and win a prize.

Greg: Do I get my choice of prizes?

Marge: That depends.

Greg; Well, let’s see how it works out.

(Peter comes around)

Peter: This looks easy, Dad. Let’s try it.

Mike: Peter, I think this is more Greg’s ball game.

Peter: Why? Let’s get in on it.

Mike: Sory, I think you’ve just been benched.

(He leads Peter away from there. We next see Bobby and Cindy having ice cream.)

Cindy: I feel kind of guilty.

Bobby: Why?

Cindy: I keep remembering what Mom said about eating.

Bobby: Well, ice cream isn’t eating, it’s licking. Right?

Cindy: Right, so that doesn’t count, does it.

Bobby: Of course not. When you eat, you have to swallow, this just swallows down by itself.

(Marcia, Jan, Alice and Carol are riding a superslide. We also see a ride called the monster. Greg successfully throws a football through a hole.)

GHreg (reaching in his pocket): i’ll take some more balls.

Marge: You’ll wear yourself out.

Greg: Well, I’m gonna keep throwing until you tell me your name.

Marge: Well, to save you a dislocated shoulder, it’s Marge.

Greg: I’m Greg Brady. (She smiles) I think I’ve thrown more footballs than Joe Namath in a whole season. When do you get through here?

Marge: right about now.

Greg: Great, have lunch with me.

Marge: Oh, sorry, I can’t. I’m filling in for my brother, he’s an animal.

Greg: Aren’t we all?

Marge: I mean, he wears one of those animal costumes and walks around the park greeting people.

(He starts to go.)

Greg: Hey, wait, which animal are you?

Marge: That’s for you to find out.

(She leaves.)

Greg (calling): Marge, Marge!

(We next see the Bradys enjoying some other rides. Then Cindy and Bobby are munching on popcorn.)

Cindy: Eating popcorn really isn’t eating, because we’re just stuck to the prizes. Right?

Bobby: Right. We’ll just work our way through the box till we get to the prizes, because they’re always on the bottom.

(Next, Jan and Marcia are together. Jan just purchased a poster.)

Marcia: Little Nancy will love that poster you bought for her.

Jan: It’s the least I can do after making all that money babysitting for her folks.

Marcia: Yeah, maybe for a loan.

Jan: Yeah, Yogi Bear’s cute but maybe I should’ve gotten a giraffe poster.

Marcia: We better do it later. right now we gotta go meet the others for lunch.

Jan: Hey, let’s go back after we eat.

Marcia: Okay.

(Next, Carol, Mike and Alice are at the main restaurant.)

Mike: Hi, sorry to be late. I stopped by the room to pick up the plans before the meeting.

(Greg running up to them): I just wanted to tell you I can’t stay for lunch. I met a girl.

Carol: Greg, you have to eat.

(He grabs a pretzel from the ashtray on the table.)

Greg: okay.

Mike: Well, man does not live by bread alone.

(He runs into Peter, who’s come to join them.)

Greg: Hi.

Peter: Hi. Where are you going?

Greg: To see an animal about a girl./

(Peter gets confused by the remark but joins the adults.)

Peter: Hi, boy that roller coaster sure made me hungry.

Alice: How could you tell? I left my stomach back on the roller coaster.

(Bobby and Cindy join them.)

Bobby: Hi.

Carol: Hi, I guess you two kids must be starved too, huh.

Bobby: Uh, well, do they have a child’s plate?

Cindy: Yeah, maybe Bobby and I can share one.

Carol: Didn’t I warn you two about eating everything insight?

Bobby: Yeah, but next time you ought to warn us a lot harder.

Cindy: Yeah, maybe we can eat lunch later.

(Finally, Marcia and Jan come by.)

Marcia: Sorry we’re late.

Jan: It was my fault. I couldn’t decide between a bear and a giraffe.

Marcia: What’s everyone having for lunch?

Mike: Well, we better order. I don’t wanna be late for my meeting.

Jan: Peter, will you kindly get your feet off my poster? You’re gonna ruin it.

Peter: take better care of it.

Jan: I wish I had somewhere to put it for safe keeping. (She notices Mike’s cylinders) Hey, Dad, do you need both of those?

Mike: Honey, the entire reason for us being here is in these cylinders.

Jan: Oh, well, can your sketches fit into one, so my poster can fit into the other? Please, I have to take it all the way home.

Mike: Oh, I guess so.

Jan: Oh, thank you. (He takes one of his sketches and puts it with the others and puts her poster Thank you, Dad.

Mike: You’re welcome.

(Later, Mike is at the meeting with the board.)

Mike: Gentlemen, as I have indicated, our firm has a concept for a new area in your park, so, for your consideration…

(He notices Jan’s poster in the cylinder.)

Mr. Remington: Something wrong, Mr. Brady? May I see the sketches? (He takes it and is none too pleased to find a Yogi bear poster.) Well, we appreciate your little joke, Mr. Brady.

Mike: I’m, afraid it’s an unplanned joke. I’m sorry, there’s been a mix-up. This is my daughter’s poster. She must have my sketches. Well, that’s no problem. I’ll find my daughter and get them back.

Mr. Remington: But we have to leave in half an hour to catch a plane.

Mike (sheepishly): Well, i hope I can find her by then.

(Next, we see Marcia and Jan on a rowboat and then in a go-car. Then on a water ride. They exit.)

Jan: I have to go back to the poster so i can exchange (She realizes she doesn’t have it) Wait a minute, I lost it.

Marcia: Oh, no. We must’ve left it on some ride.

Jan: It can be anywhere. I’ll have to get another one. Luckily they’re not too expensive.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has the family enjoying another ride. Greg goes to find Marge. he runs into an employee in an animal costume.)

Greg: Marge?

Employee: Do I sound like a Marge?

(He laughs.)

Greg: Sorry, do you kow which animal Marge is?

(He shakes his head no. Greg finds anothe remployee dressed as an animal.)

Greg: Hey, you wouldn’t be Marge, would you? (He takes the head off his costume) Do you know where Marge is? She’s the girl at the football booth who’s filling in for her brother.

Employee: Oh, yeah, she’s inside the employees area.

Greg: Thanks.

(He heads in that direction.)

Employee: Hey, wait a minute. You can’t go in there unless you’re an employee.

Greg: Hey, how would you like to rent me your costume.

(Next, Greg is walking around in the costume. He sees Marge walking by.)

Greg: Hello, there. (She walks by) hey, hey, wait a minute. It’s me.

Marge: Why don’t you go someplace and hibernate.

(Mike comes by.)

Mike (to Marge): Aren’t you the young girl from the football booth?

Marge: yes.

Mike: It’s urgent I find my family. You remember my son Greg.

Marge: Very well.

Mike: You seen him?

Marge: No.

Greg: I’m right here, Dad.

(He raises the head of the costume.)

Mike: What are you doing in there? (Greg starts to explain) never mind, shed your skin and help me find Jan, fast.

(He shows his face to an impressed marge. We see Carol and Alice on a ride and they get off.)

Carol: Now, that’s what i call an exciting ride.

Alice: Stop the park, i wanna get off.

Mi

(Mike comes to them.)

Mike: Has either one of you seen jan?

Alice: No, but I just saw my entire life pass me by.

Carol: Is something wrong, Mike?

Mike: Everything. We got our cylinders mixed up. Jan has my sketches.

Carol: I think she’s on her way to the poster shop.

Mike: Come on, we gotta find her.

(They run and Alice stays.)

Alice: Stomach, you stay here and rest. Legs, let’s go.

(We next see Jan and Marcia on another ride. Greg and Alice are waiting outside the poster shop, where carol and Mike exit.)

Greg: Any luck?

Carol: She hasn’t been here again.

Mike: And I got 10 minutes to find those sketches.

Carol: There she is!

Mike: Jan!

(They rush over to her.)

Carol: Oh, thank goodness you’re here.

Jan: What’s all the fuss?

Mike: No time to explain. (Pause) where are my sketches?

Jan: I don’t have your sketches.

Mike: We got the cylinders mixed. Where are yours?

Jan: Dad, I lost it.

Carol (upset): You lost it?

Marcia: And we’ve been practically all over the park.

Carol: Oh, honey.

Mike: Never mind, we’ll split up and find them. Greg, round up the rest of the kids and we’ll turn the park upside down and return it to the manager’s office, pronto.

(Mike and Carol show up at the lost and found booth.)

Employee: High folks, are you winners or losers?

Mike: No, we’re losers.

Employee: Oh, you’d be surprised what people lose nowadays. I got all kinds of shoes, purses, false teeth, eyeglasses.

Mike: We lost a container.

Employee: Oh, a container. We got a lot of containers. Big day for containers. I got a container of coleslaw. I got a container with a goldfish in it.

Mike: It’s a container just like this.

(He shows him the cylinder that his plans were in.)

Employee: Ah, yeah, oh, are you in luck. I got a container just like that, right here. How about that?

(He takes one out but it’s a black one, as opposed to the yellow one Mike has.)

Carol: No, no, this container had sketches in it.

Employee: Oh, well you better check back later folks. I don’t have it.

Carol: Thank you.

Employee: Okay, bye.

(Marcia and Jan are looking inside go-cars while they’re being driven, on opposite sides of the road they’re on.)

Jan: It’s not any of these.

Marcia: We have to check all of them.

(Alice looks on another ride. However, it starts to go and Alice goes along for the ride. Meanwhile, Bobby and Cindy ar eoutside of a pizza place.)

Cindy: Hey, why are we gonna look in there? Jan didn’t say anytihng about eating pizza.

Bobby: Well, somebody could’ve found Dad’s sketches and left them in there.

Cindy: That’s right, too.

Bobby: So, as long as we’re here, let’s have some pizza.

(Greg and Peter finds Marge back at the booth.)

Greg: Marge, have you seen a cardboard cylinder with some sketches in it?

Marge: You never give up, do you?

Greg: Maybe we can get together later on.

(Carol and Mike are exiting a ride, after striking out finding the sketches.)

Mike: I guess it’s too late, honey. I’m gonna have to tell Mr. Remington we can’t find the sketches.

Carol: I’m sorry, Mike.

Mike: Not half as sorry as my boss is gonna be when he finds out.

Carol: Well, I’ll wait for you back at the entrance.

Mike: Okay.

(Marcia and Jan look at the rowboats.)

Jan: I could have left it on that little island. We were all over it.

Marcia: Well, let’s give it a look.

(They get in a boat an dJan finds the sketches.)

Jan: Marcia, look! I found it!

Marcia: Oh my gosh, hurry! Let’s go! Let’s get it to the manager’s office, quick.

(They run across the park until they find Alice. She is looking through a garbage can.)

Marcia (pointing): Look!

Jan: Alice! Alice! We found Dad’s sketches!

Alice: Good for you!

Marcia: We’re out of breath, take them to the manager’s office.

Alice: Okay, kids, the Pony Express rides again.

(Alice runs with the sketches until she finds Bobby and Cindy, who are exiting a ride.)

Bobby: No, it’s not in there either.

Alice: Bobby! Cindy! Look, lend a leg. I’ve got to get these to the manager’s office, and my saddle broke about a mile back.

Bobby: Okay, we have little lege, but they go awfully fast.

(They run through the park with the sketches. They find Greg and Peter.)

Peter: Well, it’s not in the Skee ball place or the bumper cars.

Greg: I don’t think there’s any place we haven’t loked.

Bobby: Greg!

Cindy: Greg!

Bobby: Greg! Dad’s sketches, but we can’t run any more.

Greg: Come on, Pete!

(He grabs the sketches and he and Peter run. They find Carol.)

Greg: Mom!

Peter: Mom!

Greg: Mom! Dad’s sketches.

Carol: Oh, I hope it’s not too late.

(Mike is leaving the office with Mr. Remington and Mr. Dempsey.)

Mr. Remington: I’m sorry, Mr. Brady, but we do have a plane to catch.

Mike: Well, I can phone my office and have copies of the sketches sent in no time at all.

Mr. Remington: Well, I’m afraid that would be too late. We have to make the decision in the morning.

Mike: Thank you, anyway.

Mr. Remington: Pleasure

Carol (running up): Mike, Mike! We found them! We found them!

(She gives them the sketches.)

Mike (relieved): I think I just made the deadline, unless my wife brought another bear poster. Honey, I’d like you to meet Mr. Remington and Mr. Dempsey. (to them) My wife, Carol.

Mr. Remington: pleasure, Mrs. Brady.

Carol; than k you.

Mike (checking the sketches): Let’s see. Huh, no bear poster.

Mr. Remington: Well, the board will give these every consideration. Nice meeting you, Mrs. brady.

Carol: Thank you. Nice meeting you.

(The men leave and the kids run up to the parents.)

Greg: Did they make it? Did they make it?

Carol: yes.

Mike: The plans are on their way to New York.

(They all cheer.)

Peter: I’m in total wipeout.

Marcia: I can sleep all week.

Mike: Too bad you’re all exhausted. I was gonna suggest we go for a ride on the roller coaster.

(They all agree to it.)

Alice: If I’m not there in three days, start without me.

(The guys pick her up and drag her to the roller coaster. We next see the family ride the roller coaster as the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike and Carol in their hotel room. They are packing up to leave.)

Carol: You know, I am really gonna hate to leave. The kids had so much fun here.

Mike: Yeah, you can include this big kid too.

(The phone rings. Carol answers.)

Carol: Hello. Oh, yes, operator, he is. Just a minute. Honey, it’s for you. long distance. Mr. Phillips.

Mike (answering the phone): Hello. Hello, Mr. Philips. They did? Oh, good. That’s wonderful. Oh, thanks very much. We sure would. Right, good-bye.

(He hangs up.)

Mike (to Carol): Mr. Remington just phoned Mr. Philips from New York. Our sketches have been approved and they’re gonna go ahead with it.

Carol: Oh, congratulations, Mike.

(She hugs him.)

Mike: Yeah, and the boss just asked us to stay a couple of extra days at company expense. How about that?

Carol: Oh, well the kids will hate that. We’ll really have to force them.

Mike: Yeah. (There’s a knock on the door.) Come in.

(Peter is at the door in a bear costume.)

Mike: Greg, what are you doing in the bear suit again?

Peter: It’s not Greg, it’s me.

Carol: Peter? (He nods) What are you doing in there?

Peter: Well, that girl Marge has to work for her brother again, but Greg wants to take her out to lunch, so I’m filling in for her. Okay?

Mike: That’s very understanding of you.

Peter: I understand real good for five dollars.

(He leaves the room.)

THE END

S5 E10 Try, Try Again

Try, Try Again

Written by Larry Rhine and Al Schwartz

Jan is convinced she’s a born loser when she tries desperately to find a talent. I hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

MS. CLAIRETTE, Jan’s ballet teacher

MRS. FERGUSON,Jan’s drama teacher

BILLY, boy who auditions for school play

(The episode begins with the girls at their dance recital. The teacher, Ms. Clairette, notices Jan’s lack of grace and turns off the record player.)

Ms. Clairette: Okay, kids, that’s fine for today. Thank you.

(Cindy runs up to her.)

Cindy: What about the reciral, Ms. Clairette?

Ms. Clairette: Those of you who have been chosen to participate will find your names on the bulletin board.

(The girls check to find their names.)

Ms. Clairette: Jan, may I see you for a monent?

(Jan comes up to her. Marcia is happy that Cindy was chosen.)

Jan: Yes, Ms. Clairette?

Ms. Clairette: Jan, dear, I know how hard you tried in class.

Jan (upset): You don’t have to tell me, Me. Clairette. I’m not in the recital.

Ms. Clairette: I’m sorry. But, you know, ballet comes much easier to some than to others.

Jan: And I’m one of the others.

Ms. Clairette: There’ll be future recitals.

Jan: Thanks, but, I won’t be around for them.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike in the kitchen with Carol and Alice. He is tasting a sauce that they made.)

Mike: Not quite right.

Carol: And just what is wrong with our spaghetti sauce?

Mike: Too much oregano.

Carol: That’s impossible. I put in the exact amount the recipe called for.

Alice: It’s possible, Mr. Brady. I did the same thing you did.

Mike: See, and that’s why they all say, too many cooks spoil the spaghetti sauce.

Carol: We’re willing to turn in our aprons whenever your highness is ready to take over. Right, Alice?

Alice: I’ll make you a lifetime gift of my ladle.

Mike: Anytime, anytime except now. I’m busy.

Carol: See. All talk, Alice. Can’t even boil water without burning it.

Mike: I happened to have been a prety fair cook in my bachelopr days.

Carol: Sure, then your can opener broke and you had to get married to keep from starving.

Mike: For your information, I could create a souffle that would leave you begging for more?

Alice: More what, Mr. Brady? Bicarbonate?

Mike: Yeah, well, I could, I could.

Carol: All right. We accept your offer. (She extends her hand) Whenever you’re ready to take over the kitchen, just hollar.

(They shake on it.)

Mike: That’s a deal.

(Outside, Peter and Bobby are playing ping pong, with Greg watching.)

Bobby (to Peter): Lucky shot.

Peter: You wish.

Greg (to Peter): Okay, wiseguy, let’sa see you do against me.

Bobby: Here’s the ball.

(He throws the ball to them but misse sth etable.jan comes home and steps on the ball, crushing it.)

Peter: Hey!

(She comes in the house.)

Carol: Hi, honey. How was ballet class?

Jan: Awful.

Carol (to Alice): I wonder what happened?

(The other girls come in.)

Marcia: Hi, Mom.

Carol: Hi, what happened to Jan in ballet class?

Cindy (to Marcia): You tell her. You’re better at breaking bad news than I am.

Marcia: Thanks a lot. (to Carol and Alice) Cindy and I, and some other girls were chosen for the recital. Jan wasn’t.

Cindy: She sank right in the middle of swan lake.

Marcia: She really tries hard, it’s just that her feet always won’t do what she wants them to.

Carol: Not everybody’s cut out to be a ballerina. Maybe she’ll improve after some more lessons.

Cindy: She can’t. Ms. Clairette said she quit the class.

Alice (surprised): Quit? Wow, she’s really taking this hard, Mrs. Brady.

(Carol goes up to Jan’s room to speak to her. She finds Jan moping on her bed.)

Carol: Jan. Marcia and Cindy told me about the recital. I’m really sorry, honey. They also told me you quit your ballet class.

Jan: Mom, I’m about as graceful in ballet slippers as an elephant is in ice skates.

Carol: Oh, Jan, you can’t be all that bad.

Jan: I am. Im the stumbled foor of the century. And I really wanted to dance.

Carol: Well, honey, maybe ballet just isn’t your thing.

Jan: Sure, but what is my thing?

Carol: Well, there are other kinds of dancing, you know. Ms. Clairette’s school teaches tap, jazz, folk.

Jan: Yeah, that’s true.

Carol: Well, you never know unless you try. (She kisses her) Think about it.

(Cut to the kitchen. Mike is showing Carol and Alice a dish he was preparing.)

Mike: Listen, it took me three days to get prepared for this.

Alice: What’s it called?

Mike: Souffle ottawa plumage.

Carol: Ooh, la, la.

Mike: Please, a little less breathing until I get this into the oven.

(He finds he can’t put in there yet so he sets it on the edge of the stove. Jan comes home.)

Jan: Hey, everybody. Get a load of this. (She starts to dance for them) I took your advice, Mom. I’m taking up tap dancing at Ms. Clairette’s school.

Carol: So i hear.

(Mike tries to warn her of something.)

Jan: That’s why I’ve been coming home late these past few days. I wanted to surprise you.

Alice: I bet the kitchen floor is too.

Jan: Look what I learned today.

(She gives them a demonstaration and when she turns around, she knocks Mike’s dish over.)

Mike: Couldn’t you dance in place?

Jan: I’m sorry, Dad.

(She shamefully goes upstairs.)

Mike (to Carol): Was tap dancing your idea?

Carol: I guess so. I suggested she try another kind of dancing to cheer her up.

Mike: What about the old soft shoe?

(Greg and Peter are upstairs playing guitar and about to record it.)

Greg: Are you ready to record?

Peter: Yeah. (He turns the recorder on) Okay, go.

(Greg starts to play when they suddenly hear Jan practicing her tap dancing in the bathroom. Peter turns the recorder off.)

Peter: Guess who.

Greg: The blonde woodpecker. (He yells down) Jan!

(He angrily stamps his foot.)

Jan: I’m trying to learn the routine!

(Greg and Peter angrily stamp their feet. Jan continues to practice. Marcia and Cindy are unhappily listening in their room and a figurine falls from a shelf and breaks.)

Marcia: Now look what she’s done.

Cindy: Maybe we can glue it back together.

Marcia: That’s not the problem. What do we do about us coming unglued.

(Next. Mike, Carol and Alice are in the kitchen.)

Mike: That was a delicious breakfast, ladies.

(Alice is preparing the kids’ lunch.)

Alice: Thank you, Mr. Brady.

Carol (pouring him coffee): No suggestions on how to make it better from the superchef?

(She kisses him.)

Alice: He’s backing away from his offer, Mrs. Brady.

Mike: I am not, I already made a souffle, haven’t I?

Carol: You almost made a souffle.

Mike: Okay. (He gets up) I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do, you wiseguys. (He writes on the message board) Come Saturday, I am gonna prepare not just a simple dish, but an entire gourmet dinner.

Alice: Consisitng of what, Mr. Brady?

Mike: None of your business.

Carol: But honey, we have to know what the ingredients are when they ask us at the hospital.

(Mike gets offended and starts to leave. The other kids start coming down.)

Bobby: Dad.

Mike: Ask your mother, I got to go to work.

Bobby: Mom, you do something about Jan.

Cindy: I’m beginning to hear tap in my sleep.

Carol: We’ll talk about it later, okay, have a good day. Bye.

(Greg, Marcia and Peter come in.)

Greg: Good morning.

Marcia: Hi.

Greg: Mom, you got to do something about Jan.

Marcia: She’s really bugging us.

Peter: Talk about noise pollution.

Carol: Oh, be patient with her, kids. I’m sure after a few more lessons, she’ll get much better at it.

Greg: No way.

Peter: I saw a bear on TV do a better tap dance.

Marcia: Mom, Jan really has no talent for tap dance.

(Jan comes in.)

Carol: Marcia.

Jan: No, I guess i don’t.

Marcia: I’m sorry, Jan. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.

Jan: That’s okay. You’re right. I have no talent for tap dancing. In fact, I hav eno talent for anything at all.

Carol: Now, Jan, that is not true.

Jan: Yes it is.

(She leaves.)

Marcia: I didn’t know jan was there.

Carol: Jan just has to keep looking until she finds something she really does well.

Marcia: Hey, I’ve got an idea. Maybe I know just the thing for Jan to do. I’ll check with her right after school.

(She starts to leave. carol stops her.)

Carol: Marcia, what is it?

Marcia: Just as soon as I arrange it, I’ll let you know.

Carol: Oh, here, here, take your lunch. (She leaves) Have a good day.

Marcia: Bye. You too.

(Marcia is showing jan how to be a drum mjaorette. She has a hat and a baton.)

Marcia: You look great, Jan. Better than when I was a drum majorette. And you know, being a drum majorette has a lot of fringe benefits.

Jan: Like what?

Marcia: Well, like band full of boys.

Jan: Oh, I hope I can do this.

Marcia: If I can, anybody can. It’s a cinch.

(Jan starts twirling the baton while Carol and Alice watch from inside.)

Carol: That was a good idea Marcia had.

Alice: Jan looks so cute in the hat.

(Jan continues twirling. Marcia takes it for a monent.)

Marcia: Here, let me show you. Now, you hold it right about there. (She twirls) Keep going. Now, at first you hold your wrist like this so you can get used to the twirling motion. See. Think you got it? (Jan shows her that she does) Okay, you try it. (Jan takes it as Marcia encourages her) Hey, you’re getting the hang of it. Great. Faster. Come on, faster. Now toss it.

(Jan tosses it but accidentally breaks the window on the family room door.)

Alice: Lucky we saw that coming.

Jan (upset): Why don’t you say it! I’m strictly a no-talent! I’ll never be good at anytrhing, never!

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Alice and Greg in the kitchen. Alice is sorting out playing cards. She is also peeking at them.)

Greg: Uh, uh, uh.

Alice: I am ashamed of myslef, Greg, and I’ll never do it again. Unless i think it will help.

(Carol and Mike come home with Marcia and jan. They are returning from their ballet recital.)

Marcia: Hi.

Carol: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Alice: Anybody for hot chocolate?

Marcia: oh, great, Alice.

Greg: How did the ballet recital go?

Mike: Marcia and Cindy were terrific.

Carol: They were the best in the class.

Marcia: Mom, Dad, don’t be so unbiased.

Carol: Everything okay at home?

Greg: Everything but Jan. She hasn’t let her room all night.

Alice: I tried to talk to her, but on a scale of 1 to 10, she figures herself about a minus three.

Mike: Jan’s a big girl now. She’s gonna have to learn to face that kind of problem.

Carol: Well, you two girls get to bed right after the hot chocolate. Okay. Good night, Alice.

Alice: Good night.

Carol: Good night, Greg.

Greg: Good night.

Mike: Good night, all.

(The parents go upstairs.)

Marcia: Poor Jan. She must be the most miserable member of this whole human race.

Cindy: And that’s a race you can’t quit.

Alice: And it’s the only race in town.

Greg: Problem is, she lost all of her self-confidence.

Marcia: And the question is, how does she get it back?

Greg: Simple. All she has to be is good at something instead of bad.

Alice: And someday there’ll be a pill we can take for instant good.

Greg: Wait a minute. There is a way she can be instant good. Yeah, it just might work. It’s worth a try.

Marcia: Okay by me.

Cindy: Okay by me too, and I don’t even know what you’re talking about.

(We take you to the backyard. Greg is about to play ping pong and ask jan to play with him.)

Greg: Okay, now make it sound legitimate so jan doesn’t get suspicious.

Peter (whispering): Right.

Greg: This will be the first time I ever thrown a ping pong game.

Bobby (whispering): Here she comes.

(Jan starts to come.)

Peter: Greg, we just don’t have time to play ping pong.

Greg: But I need to practice.

Bobby: I’m sorry, you’ll just have to find somebody else. We’re busy.

Greg: Jan, how would you like to do me a really big favor.

Jan: What?

Greg: Well, I’m entering this ping-pong contest, and I need all the practicing I can get.

Jan: You wanna practice with me?

Greg: I can’t practice by myself.

Jan: Well, okay, but I’m not very good.

Greg: Oh, hey, don’t worry about it. Listen, you’ll be doing me a really big favor.

(She takes a paddle and they start to play.)

Greg: Ready?

Jan: yeah.

(They start to play. greg deliberately plays badly to let jan win.)

Greg: Good shot. (He purposely misses the ball again) What kind of a spin did you put on the ball?

(Jan shrugs. We next see them continuing to play in the same manner.)

Greg: Your serve again. (He makes anothe rblunder) You did it again! Are you sure you haven’t been practicing on the side/

Jan: No, honest!

Greg: You’re better than you think.

Jan: 20-17. Game point. (Greg slips again) I won! I actually beat you, I won!

Greg: Look, do me another favor, huh.

Jan: What?

Greg: Don’t tell Peter and Bobby. I could never live it down.

Jan: Sure, I’ll protect you.

Greg: Thanks, Jan. Good game.

(He smiles to himself as we go up to the girls’ room. Jan is playing Monopoly with her sisters.)

Jan: And I own that hotel too. And you owe me $1,500 besides.

Marcia: That wipes me out. You win again, Jan.

Jan: Do you wanna play one more time?

Marcia: No way, you’re too good for me.

Cindy: You’re a financial genius.

Jan: I guess I am pretty good.

Marcia: You’re a regular Howard Hughes.

Jan (getting up): See you later.

(Next, Jan is outisde playing darts with Peter and Bobby. They let her win.)

Bobby (to Peter): She’s sandbagging us.

Peter: I thought you said you weren’t very good at darts.

Jan: I didn’t think I was. Oh, this gives me 40 points.

Bobby: You’re skunking us.

Jan: Well, we can’t all be happy.

Petyer: I’ll practice and I’ll challenge you tomorrow.

Jan: Any time.

Bobby: Great. No girl is gonna beat me.

(She walk off.)

Peter (to Bobby): You’re a better actor than Richard Burton.

Bobby: You’re a better actor then Elizabr=eth Taylor.

(Peter chases Bobby as we move into the next scene. Mike is conimg home with groceries.)

Mike (calling): Help, somebody lend a hand!

Alice: Oh, I’m on my way.

(She puts her mop down and goes to help him.)

Mike: I’m about to lose the eggs. Alice, quick.

Alice (grabbing the bag): Got it, got it.

(Mike comes in the kitchen with two other bags.)

Carol: Honey, what’s in the bag?

Mike: Sorry, every item is classified top secret.

Alice: Is it that gourmet dinner you’re going to cook, Mr. Brady?

Mike: Yes, anybody caught snooping gets the firing squad.

Carol: Alice, I think I know why he’s keeping Saturday’s menu such a secret.

Alice: Why, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: So if he messes it up, we won’t know what it was supposed to be.

Alice: They do say that 90% of domestic accidents occur in the kitchen.

(Carol laughs.)

Mike: Laugh if you must, but remember what I said, top secret.

(He puts the food in the refrigerator/freezer. Carol watches. Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Hi. Anybody seen Jan?

Carol: She went to the library, honey, why?

Cindy: Oh, I just thought I’d let her beat me at checkers.

Mike: Why do you want to do that?

Cindy: To give her confidence. To make her think she’s good at something. That’s what we’ve been doing.

Carol: How long do you and your brothers and sisters plan to keep losing to Jan?

Cindy: I don’t know. A couple of months. I’ll ask greg.

Mike: Cindy, look, it’s nice that you kids want to help Jan, but you’re not being very honest with her if you do that.

Carol: Honey, it’s not a real victory if everybody’s just pretending to lose.

Cindy (shamefully): I guess you’re right.

(Next, Greg is apologizing to Jan for all the kids.)

Greg: So, I’m speaking for all the kids. We’re sorry. We were only trying to help.

Jan: Yeah, well, thanks for what you’re trying to do.

Carol: Greg, why don’t you go round up the kids for dinner, okay.

Greg: Okay, they’re out in back.

(He walks away.)

Mike (to Jan): You know, I would say that goes to prove how much your brothers and sisters care about you.

Jan: It also proves something else. It proves everybody feels sorry for little Jan Brady, loser. That’s exactly what I am, a born loser.

Mike: Jan.

Carol: Wait a minte, honey.

Mike: Listen, all they’re trying to do is give you a little confidence.

Jan: I do have confidence. I’m confident that I’m a no-talent loser.

Mike: No, no. Everyone has talent somewhere, and you’ll never find where yours lies if you quit trying.

Carol: Your father’s right, Jan. You have to keep trying in life. You’ll never succeed at anytihng if you’re a quitter.

Jan: But I don’t know what else to try.

Carol (to Mike): I’m sure there’s lots of things she can do.

Mike: There’s all kinds of things going on at school. There are club activities, there are plays…

Carol: Plays. That’s a good idea.

Mike: Yes.

Carol: Why don’t you look into that tomorrow.

Jan: Maybe I will.

Mike: Promise.

Jan: Okay, I promise. I guess I got nothing to lose.

Carol: Notihng except your no-talent.

(Next, Carol is knitting in the family room. Alice comes in.)

Alice: Hi, Mrs. Brady. How about a little afternoon snack?

Carol: Oh, no thanks, Alice.

Alice: I wish you’d say yes.

Carol: Why?

Alice: Because it would give me a chance to peek at the food Mr. Brady has in the freezer.

Carol: Now, Alice, we promised.

Alice: You’re right. I’ll wash my mouth out with soap for even suggesting it.

Carol: When you’re through, will you suggest it again? I’m weakening.

(Jan comes in.)

Jan: Mom, I did it! I found something at school that I’m really interested in.

Carol: What, honey?

Jan: I’m trying out for the lead in the school play.

Carol: Oh, Jan, that’s wonderful.

(Alice claps and cheers for her.)

Jan: Anyway, the play is about an American girl in Paris who’s starving and painting an dtrying to pay her bills and…. while I’m telling you all this. I should be learning my lines. I have to learn every one of them by tomorrow.

Carol: Why so soon?

Jan: Because I signed up so late.

Carol: Girls, they’re absolutelt unpredictable.

Alice: Maybe thta’s why they grow up to be women.

(The next day at school, Jan is trying out for the play. Mrs. Ferguson, the director, is there.)

Mrs. Ferguson: That was very nice children. Thank you. Next, are Jan Brady and Billy Naylor.

Jan (to Peter): Well, here goes.

Peter: Okay, Jan, now remember, self-confidence.

Jan: Right. Self-confidence.

(She gets up to the stage with Billy. She brings a painting with her and Billy puts on a wig and fake mustache.)

Mrs. Ferguson: What’s the painting, Jan?

Jan: Oh, I’m supposed to be painting in the scene. So I started this last night while I was at home. It’ll make it easier for me.

(She puts on a smock.)

Mrs. Ferguson: Okay, you and Billie may begin when you’re ready.

Jan: Okay. (She picks up some pastels and starts to paint) Come in.

Mrs. Ferguson: No, Jan, you wait till the landlord knocks.

Jan: Oh, sorry. (Billy knocks) Come in.

Billy: Madame Loisel, I’ve come to give you one final chance to pay the rent.

Jan: But monsieur, I must have more time. I’m almost finished my painting.

Mrs. Ferguson: Jan, you have another line, dear.

Jan: Oh, right, sorry.

Mrs. Ferguson: Let’s start again.

Jan: Come in.

Billy (frustrated): I’m supposed to knock first!

(He knocks.)

Jan: Come in, Billy.

Mrs. Ferguson: Jan, he’s the landlord, not Billy.

Billy: Madame Loisel, I’ve come to give you one final chance to pay the rent.

Jan: But monsieur, I must have more time. I’m almost finished my painting. (Pause) I’m sure I’ll sell it.

Billy: Who would buy such a horrible painting. I must have the rent. it is long overdue.

Jan: But I have no money. (She drops her nurse and accisentally spills the paint jars on Billy) Sorry, Billy.

(Peter covers his eyes.)

Mrs. Ferguson (getting up): Jan, dear, are you sure you’re up to this? I mean, you only did have one night to learn it.

Jan: No, Mrs. Ferguson, I’m not up to this.

Mrs. Ferguson: Maybe our next play.

Jan: There won’t be a next one for me.

(Back at home, Peter is telling Carol about Jan’s misfortune.)

Peter: Mom, Jan’s tryout was a disaster. She couldn’t get anything right.

Carol: Poor kid.

Peter: She’s gonna be more miserable now than ever.

(Jan comes in.)

Jan: Hi, Mom, Hi, Pete.

Carol: Hi, Jan. (to Peter) Were you putting me on?

Peter: No, she really bombed out. Honest.

Jan: Boy, did I ever bomb out.

Carol: Well, I’m delighted to see you so happy aboiut it.

Jan: Well it’s what happened afterwards when Mrs. ferguson called m eback. (to Peter) You had left.

Peter: What happened?

Jan: You know that picture I painted for the play? Mrs. Ferguson is also our art teacher. She said that I show a real talent as a painter, that my paointing is terrific, and she wants me to enroll in her art class.

Carol (pleased): Oh, Jan, that’s great.

Peter: Good.

Alice (coming in): Yeah, how about that. She tries out as an actress and winds up an artist.

jan: You and Dad were right, Mom. If I hadn’t kept trying, I would have never known.

Alice: I wonder if that works the other way around. Maybe if I tried to paint, somebody would discover how much Raquel Welch and I have in common. (They all look at her disbelievingly) Or would you believe Shirleyt Temple?

(She starts to tapdance and the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Carol coming in the kitchen as Mike is cooking.)

Carol: Is tonight’s menu still a top secret?

Mike: Nope, it is now declassified. (He takes the lid off one pot) Vichyssoise, Caesar salad, chocolate mousse in the ice box. Tomatoes parmesan in the broiler, asparugus holeny, and pies de resistance, beef burgonione.

Carol: Oh, honey, it looks and smells delicious. You are the greatest.

Mike: Yes, that’s true. I have too much humility to disagree. Well, call the kids to dinner.

Carol: Oh, that presents a problem.

Mike: Hmm.

Carol: The kids are going to a surprise party tonight.

Mike (shocked): What? You mean after I slaved over a hot stove making all this food?

Carol: Alice and I will eat our share.

Mike: Honey, I got enough food here for nine people. Uh, call Alice to the table. I’ll start serving. (Carol goes in the dining room) (to himself) Talk about lack of appreciation, and all the money I spent preparing all this glut.

(He goes out to the dining room with one of the pots. He is surprised to see all the kids sititng there with Carol and Alice.)

All: Surprise!

Mike: Surprise party, huh.

Carol: Well, you got to admit that you were surprised.

The Kids (chanting): We want to eat, we want to eat, we want to eat.

Mike: Hold it! Now I got a surprise for you.

Carol: Oh, what?

Mike (in a French accent): The cook has resigned and you are serving the dinner.

Carol: Well, Alice, I knew we’d wind up doing all the work.

(She and Alice get up and Mike sits down.)

THE END