S2 E20 Lights Out

untitled nightmares

Lights Out

Written by Bruce Howard

Cindy refuses to sleep with the lights out for fear of nightmares after seeing a magic trick. Hope you enjoy the script.











SALESMAN at magic shop

WARREN, contestant at Peter’s talent show

JUDGE at talent show

(The episode begins in the girls’ room, where they are all sleeping. Cindy wakes up and turns the lights on, awakening her sisters.)

Marcia: What’s the big idea?

Cindy: I can’t sleep with the lights off.

(Marcia gets up to turn the lights off. Cindy goes to turn them back on.)

Jan: Cindy, will you cut it out? (She gets out of bed) How are we supposed to sleep with the lights on?

(She turns them off again. Cindy turns them on.)

Cindy: If you go to sleep, you can’t see them on.

Marcia: If you go to sleep, you won’t see them off.

(Jan again turns off the lights, but Cindy turns them back on.)

Cindy (whining): I want them on!

Jan: Off!

Cindy: On!

(Mike comes in the room.)

Mike: Do you girls know what time it is? What are you doing up? Off with the lights, go to bed.

Cindy: But Daddy.

Mike: Good night.

(He turns the lights out but Cindy turns them back on.)

Marcia: She won’t sleep with the lights out.

Mike: That’s not like you. What do you want the lights on for?

Cindy: I just do.

Mike: Why?

Cindy: I’m (Pause) scared.

Mike: Honey, what are you scared of?

Cindy: I better not tell you, it’ll get me too scared.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Cindy in Carol and Mike’s room.)

Cindy: Please, can I sleep with you tonight?

Carol: Cindy, honey, what are you so afraid of?

Cindy: If I tell you, can I sleep with you tonight?

Mike: Cindy, you girls have your own room.

Cindy: Please, just this once.

Carol: All right, just this once.

Cindy: Thank you.

Carol: Come on, here.

(She crawls into bed with them.)

Mike: Listen, what were you so frightened of?

Cindy: It was something I saw?

Carol: What?

Cindy: A magician at Jeremy’s birthday party.

Mike: What happened?

Cindy: He put a lady into a big box and made her disappear.

Carol (laughing): Oh, well, honey, the lady didn’t really disappear. That’s just part of the trick.

Mike: Sure. First you see her, then she disappears, then you see her again.

Cindy: I didn’t see her again.

Carol: But you had to, honey. That’s part of the trick.

Cindy: When she disappeared, I ran out. (She yawns) But I feel much safer now.

Carol: Oh, good. (whispering to Mike) I think she’s going to be all right now. Good night, sweetheart.

She and Mike kiss and turn out the lights.)

Cindy (waking up): It’s dark again!

Carol: Cindy.

Cindy: Please turn the light on.

(Carol turns it back on.)

Mike: Cindy, there is nothing to be afraid of in the dark.

Cindy: But that’s when I think about the lady.

Carol: But darling, that’s just your imagination. Now come on, lie down. Mommy will show you. Now close your eyes. (Cindy shuts her eyes) That’s it. Now I want you to think of something real pleasant. (Cindy smiles) That’s my girl. I bet you’re not seeing that lady disappear now, are you? (Cindy shakes her head no) No, of course not. (Mike smiles his approval) Good night, sweetheart.

(They turn the light s out one last time.)

Cindy (waking up): I’m thinking again.

(The next day, Mike comes home early from work.)

Mike (coming in the door): Hello, I’m home. (Alice comes out to greet him) Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi Mr. Brady, what are you doing home so early?

Mike (tired): I couldn’t keep my eyes open at the office, I was up half the night with Cindy.

Alice: I got, some of this morning’s coffee left over. That might wake you up.

Mike: Yeah, I’m gonna look in the icebox.

(They go into the kitchen and Mike grabs an apple. Peter comes in from school.)

Peter: Hi, Dad. Hi, Alice.

Mike and Alice: Hi, Peter.

Peter: Guess what. Our school is putting on an all-time vaudeville show and I signed up for it.

Mike: Hey, terrific.

Peter: Of course you have to try out for it first.

Alice: What kind of act are you gonna do?

Peter: A magic act, like the guy did at Jeremy’s party. That was neat.

Mike: Hmm, I don’t know about that. Maybe we’ve had enough magic around here lately.

Peter: But Dad, I’ve got to have an act.

Alice: Sure, what’s a vaudeville performer without an act? On second thought, it hasn’t stopped some I’ve seen.

(Mike laughs.)

Mike: Hey, now that I think about it, doing magic might help Cindy. The more she sees of tricks and how they work, why, the less she’ll have reason to be afraid.

Alice: That’s a good idea, Mr. Brady.

Peter (excited): You mean I can be a magician?

Mike: Yep.

Alice: I hereby christen thee Peter the Great.

Mike: Well, I think I’ll catch your act later, Peter the Great.

(Mike walks away.)

Peter (to Alice): Boy, wait till I tell everybody.

(Greg and Bobby come in.)

Greg: Tell us what?

Peter: I’m going to be a magician at an all-time vaudeville show. At least I’m gonna try out for it.

Bobby: Neat-o.

Greg: That’s great. I know a couple of tricks can show you how to do.

Alice: I can sew you a fancy cape, Peter.

Bobby: I can help too?

Peter (agitated): How?

Bobby: I can tell you if the trick stinks.

(Alice starts clapping to him with her spatula. The next scene has Mike and Peter down at the magic shop.)

Salesman: You came to the right place mister. Now what kind of tricks did you want to do?

Mike: Well, they’re not for me. They’re for my son here.

Salesman: Oh?

Peter: I’m going to be a magician in a vaudeville show.

Salesman: Good for you, kid. You know, vaudeville ain’t dead. it ain’t feeling too good, but it ain’t dead.

Mike: I think we’d like to see some easy tricks. You know, nothing too difficult.

Salesman: No problem. I have a wonderful trick that any 6 year-old can do. The Chinese linking rings. (He hands them to Peter) Here, separate them, kid.

(Peter tries but fails.)

Peter: I can’t do it.

Salesman: You can’t do it. How old are you?

Peter: 12.

Salesman: No wonder you can’t separate them, you have to be six. Now watch. (He demonstrates the trick) I say the magic words, abracadabra. And slowly the rings separate.

Peter: Wow, how did you do that?

Mike: That’s very good.

Salesman: Good? Sensational. You ain’t seen nothing yet. Now, here’s a trick that the kid can do and stop the show with it. That’s show-biz talk. A simple little trick with a bottle and two empty tubes. You notice that the tube fits right over the bottle, and so does this one (tube). Remember the bottle is here. I say the magic words, abracadabra, and, voila, the bottle has changed places.

Peter: Gee, that’s out of sight.

Mike (taking some money out): I think you made a sale. We’ll take both those tricks.

Salesman: Alrighty. How about something spectacular. You know, like the disappearing cabinet.

Mike: Sounds like it might make too much of my money disappear.

Salesman (laughing): That’s funny, that’s very funny. You’re a riot. Tell you what, sir. (He takes a book out) this book has the blueprints and the illustrations, and you can build your own disappearing cabinet. it’s easy to do and lots of fun.

Peter: Gee, something spectacular like this can be the highlight of my act.

Salesman: You’re right, kid. Every act has got to have a highlight.

Mike: We’ll take the book.

Peter: Thanks, Dad.

Salesman (taking out a wand): Of course, nothing works without this. Every magician has got to have a magic wand. (He hands it to him and it turns into a flower) There you are, kid.

(Back at home, Peter is showing off his magic to Mike, Carol, Alice and Cindy.)

Peter: And now, ladies and gentlemen, my jumping bottle trick. (They all cheer him on) I propose to make the bottle jump from this tube to this tube. Now you see it, and now, abracadabra, Cindy, lift the container.

Carol: Oh, go on, honey, there’s nothing to be afraid of. It’s fun.

(Cindy gets up and lifts the container. Peter lifts the other container with the bottle inside it.)

Peter: The bottle has jumped.

Cindy: Gee, did I do that?

Peter: Of course not. I did. (to the others) You can applaud if you’d like.

(They all clap.)

Alice: Very good, Peter.

Peter: Not good, sensational. You ain’t seen nothing yet.

Mike (to Alice): That’s show-biz talk.

Cindy: Can I help you with another trick, Peter?

Carol: Hey, you know, Peter, she’d make a real cute assistant for you.

Mike: Hey, that’s a good idea.

Alice: Oh, sure. Every magician ought to have a pretty assistant who dresses up the act.

Peter: Yeah, that’s right. Cindy, do you want to be my assistant.

Cindy: Okay, but first, will you tell me how the trick works?

Peter: Well, first you take the…

(He whispers in her ear.)

Alice: Hey, what about us?

Cindy: Sorry, it’s a secret for us magicians.

(Peter nods and tells her the rest of the secret.)

(Next, he is in the girls’ room demonstrating a trick to Marcia and Jan.)

Peter: I would like to show you my famous disappearing banana trick. (to Cindy) Assistant, the banana, please. (She hands him the banana and he puts it in a box) I say the magic words, abracadabra, and (The banana disappears)

(Marcia and Jan clap.)

Marcia: Wow. that’s really good, Peter.

Cindy: Oh, I get it. the banana…

(He shushes her.)

Peter: You ain’t seen nothing yet. (He does another trick with some handkerchiefs) Assistant, the handkerchiefs, please. (She hands them to him) 1,2, and 1 makes 3. I say the magic words, abracadabra, and, they’re gone.

Marcia: Where did they go?

Peter: They didn’t go anywhere. Assistant.

(Cindy pulls them out.)

Cindy: 1,2, and 1 makes three.

(Marcia and Jan clap.)

Marcia: That is so great.

Jan: That is great.

(Next, Carol and Alice are sewing capes in the family room. Cindy and Peter come in.)

Peter: Are they done yet, Mom?

Carol: Oh, hi kids. Yeah, you’re just in time for a preview. (She shows Peter his cape, with Peter the Great written on it) Here, what do you think? Huh?

Peter: Boy, they’re neat.

Alice: And Cindy, this is yours. How do you like it? Hmm? (She shows her a blank cape and Cindy looks upset) What’s the matter?

Cindy: Isn’t there something missing?

(Alice realizes her mistake and then puts and Cindy on it.)

Alice: All right, is this better?

(She shows her.)

Cindy: Much better.

Carol (laughing): Thank goodness.

(Peter is up in his room trying the cape on, with Bobby watching.)

Bobby: Gee, that looks super.

Peter: Think I oughtta get a mustache to make me look more mysterious.

Greg (coming in the room): Hi, I got something for you.

Peter: What’s that?

Greg: A top hat.

Peter: Wow, that’s great.

Bobby: Where did you get it?

Greg: Randy Baldwin and his father had it in an old trunk. I thought you could use it in your act.

Peter: I sure can.

(He tries it on.)

Greg: It really is a magician’s hat. made your whole head disappear. (Bobby takes it and tries it on) Almost makes your whole body disappear.

(Next, Peter tries to get Cindy to go inside the disappearing cabinet to see how it works.)

Peter: But Cindy, you got to get inside the cabinet so I can make you disappear.

Cindy: I don’t wanna.

Jan: There’s nothing to be afraid of.

Cindy: I’m not afraid.

Jan: She’s afraid all right.

Peter: But there’s nothing to it (calling) Bobby!

Bobby (getting off the swing): Yeah?

(He runs over to Peter.)

Peter: You want to get inside the disappearing cabinet?

Bobby: Sure.

(He gets in.)

Peter: Okay, watch. Now you see him. (He closes the cabinet) I say the magic words, abracadabra, disappear. (He opens it and Bobby’s gone) And he’s gone.

Cindy (frightened): Bring him back, Peter. Bring him back.

Peter: Okay, okay. (He shuts the cabinet) I say the magic words, abracadabra, return from beyond.

(He opens the cabinet but Bobby fails to come back.)

Cindy: Where is he?

Peter: Bobby, did you hear me? Bobby!

Cindy (upset): You made him disappear just like that lady, and he’s never coming back. (She runs away) Mommy, Mommy! Peter made Bobby disappear! Mommy!

Jan (to Peter): Now look what you’ve done. Cindy’s more scared than ever.

Peter (looking around): Bobby, come on!

(The scene fades.)

images magician

(The next scene has Mike coming home. Jan comes and greets him.)

Jan: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart.

Jan: I’m glad you’re home.

Mike: Yeah, me too. (He gets out of his car) I spent all morning in the sand traps. Might as well have gone to the beach.

Jan: Cindy’s all upset again. She’s up in our room and Mom’s with her.

Mike: What happened?

Jan: Bobby disappeared.

Mike: Disappeared?

Jan: Peter made him disappear in the cabinet, and Bobby didn’t come back. I guess Bobby’s playing some kind of a joke.

Mike: Well, not a very funny joke. I’m gonna have a talk with that young man.

Jan: But he’s not here. We’re looking for him.

(Marcia comes out with Peter.)

Marcia: Then what happened?

Peter: I just said the magic words, abracadabra.

Mike: Hey, Peter.

Peter: Yeah, Dad.

Peter (to Marcia): That’s all I did. I just said the magic words.

Mike: Okay, now, what happened?

Peter: I don’t know. I don’t know where he went.

Jan: Me either, Dad. It was weird. All of a sudden he was there and then…

(Bobby finally emerges.)

Bobby: Here I am.

Peter (angry): Bobby, where have you been?

Mike: You want to give us a little explanation?

Bobby: Well, after I got out the secret door, I sneaked out the back of the garage for a joke.

Peter (upset): Some joke.

Bobby: I fooled you, huh?

Mike: You may have fooled us, but you scared Cindy.

Bobby: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that, honest.

Mike: Well, I think Cindy would like to hear your apology. Now, move.

(He grabs Bobby by the neck and makes him go upstairs to see Cindy.)

Peter (to himself): I wonder if Houdini started out like this.

(Cindy is in her room with Carol comforting her.)

Bobby: Cindy, it’s me, Bobby.

Cindy: Bobby!

(She gives him a big hug.)

Bobby: I was only playing a joke. I’m sorry I scared you.

Cindy: I thought you really disappeared.

Bobby: Well, I didn’t. You can let go now.

Cindy (letting go): I’m glad you’re back.

(She kisses him.)

Bobby: What did you have to do that for?

(He wipes the kiss off and leaves. Mike hits him on the back with a magazine he’s carrying.)

Carol: Now do you understand there wasn’t anything to be afraid of?

Cindy: Uh-huh, but I don’t want to be Peter’s magic assistant anymore.

Mike: Hey, he’s counting on you for his tryout tomorrow afternoon, honey.

Cindy: Jan knows what to do. She can take my place.

Carol: But Cindy, I told you there’s no reason to be afraid.

Cindy: I’m not afraid. But if it’s okay, tonight I think I’ll sleep with the lights on again.

(That evening, Peter is doing another performance for the family, with Jan as his assistant.)

Jan: And now, ladies and gentlemen, introducing Peter the Great!

(They all clap as he comes down the stairs in his magician outfit.)

Peter: Ladies and gentlemen, my assistant will hand me a pair of ordinary Chinese linking rings. (She hands him the rings) Observe. The linking rings are linked.

(He attempts to separate them.)

Greg: And they’re still linked.

(They all laugh.)

Peter: Abracadabra.

(He unlinks them and the family cheers and applauds. Jan hands him a pitcher of milk.

Peter: Observe, nothing in my hand.

Carol: Except a little dirt.

(Everyone laughs.)

Peter: I’m gonna pour this milk in my fist.

Alice: Look out for the carpet, Peter.

Peter (pouring): Going, going, (He raises his hand, which has no milk on it) Gone.

(Everyone claps. Cindy comes down the stairs.)

Cindy: Good night, everybody. I’m going to sleep now.

Carol: Cindy, honey, don’t you want to stay and watch Peter rehearse for his tryout tomorrow?

Mike: He’s really good, honey.

Cindy: No thanks.

(She goes upstairs to bed.)

Carol: Boy, that magic has really got her bugged.

(The next day at school, a student named Warren comes out to play his accordion. He has a slight problem getting it out and setting it up. He also seems hesitant to play.)

Judge: Anytime you’re ready, Warren?

(Warren starts to play as Peter awaits his turn backstage with Mike.)

Mike: Calm down, Peter. We got everything here.

Peter: Everything but Jan, and I’m on right after Warren.

Mike: Well, she’ll be here. Your mother’s gone to the gym to get her.

Peter: Boy, my stomach sure feels funny.

Mike (laughing): You’ve got butterflies.

Peter: Mine feel more like bats.

Mike: You wanted to be in show business.

(Meanwhile, Jan is the nurse’s office. She calls home and speaks to Cindy.)

Jan: Hi, Cindy, Jan. Is Mom or Dad there?

Cindy: Uh uh. They took Peter’s magic stuff over to the school.

Jan: Oh, I’m in the nurse’s office. I twisted my ankle in gym class.

Cindy: Gee, I’m sorry.

Jan: Well, I guess I better call over to the auditorium and tell Dad I can’t help Peter.

Cindy: But if you don’t help him, he won’t win.

Jan: Oh, I’m sorry. But how can I do it on one foot? Bye.

Cindy: Bye.

(She hangs up and starts to ponder. Meanwhile, Warren is still playing his accordion, and Mike is on the phone with Jan.)

Mike: Are you sure it’s not serious, Jan?

Jan: It’s just a little sprain.

Mike: That’s good, honey. Your mother went to gym class, I’m sure they’ll send her right over.

Jan: But what about Peter, Dad? I can walk a little bit.

Mike: Jan, you stay off that ankle, okay?

Jan: Okay.

Mike: Okay, bye, sweetheart.

(He hangs up.)

Peter (annoyed): Oh, great, there goes my act.

Mike: Well, it’s not as though your sister planned it this way, Peter.

Peter: I know, and I’m sorry she hurt herself.

Mike: You worked very hard for this tryout and there’s no reason you can’t go out there and perform by yourself.

Peter: Maybe one or two tricks, but who’s going to get in the disappearing cabinet? That’s the highlight of my whole act.

Mike: Well, leave that out, and just do the best you can, huh?

Peter: Right now, I wish I could disappear.

(Peter heads toward the stage as Warren finishes his act.)

Judge (unimpressed): That was very nice, Warren. thank you.

(Warren bows and puts his accordion away, then exits the stage.)

Judge: Next on the list is Peter Brady and his magic act. (calling) Are you ready, Peter?

Peter: Yes, sir.

Mike: Now, just do the best you can.

(Peter moves his act to the stage. Takes his hat off and bows.)

Peter: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. (Mike continues to encourage him) The first act I’d like to do for you is a very good trick I know you’d like. Only I can’t do it because I don’t have my assistant. But I’ve got an even better trick, though. It’s really terrific, with a rope, a rabbit and a canary. But I can’t do that one either without my assistant. And I also can’t do my best trick of all, the disappearing lady. I’m real sorry I can’t do it for you. You’d have really liked that one. But I’ll have to do some of my other tricks, because like I said, I don’t have my assistant.

(Cindy and Alice show up behind the stage.)

Cindy: Yes you do, Peter?

(Peter looks back in surprise.)

Cindy (to Mike): Jan called home, so I came to help Peter.

Peter: He could sure use some help.

Alice: She’s all set to go, I took the wings off her fairy princess costume.

Mike: Listen Cindy, are you positive you want to do this?

Cindy: I’m positive. I’m still a little scared, but I’m positive.

(Alice puts her cape on her and Cindy goes out to join Peter.)

Cindy: I’m ready Peter the Great. You can make me disappear now.

Peter: Thanks, Cindy. (to the judges); Ladies and gentlemen, my assistant and sister. (They clap) And now for the highlight of my act, a trick that will amaze you. (He takes Cindy aside to the cabinet) You sure you’re okay?

Cindy: I think so.

(She goes inside the cabinet and closes her eyes. Peter shuts it and takes his wand.)

Peter: And now I say the magic words, abracadabra, disappear. (He opens the drape and she is no longer inside) And she’s gone.

(The judges clap.)

Judge: Good.

Peter: And now I say the magic words again, abracadabra, return from beyond.

(He opens the drape again and Cindy is back inside. The judges clap, along with Mike and Alice.)

Judge: Excellent.

Peter (to Cindy): Are you still okay?

Cindy: Let’s do it again.

(Mike gives them the okay signal from behind the stage.)

Peter: Ladies and gentlemen, if it’s all right with you, my assistant wants to do this trick again.

Judge (clapping): By all means.

Peter: I say the magic words, abracadabra, disappear.

(He does the trick once again as the scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Mike coming home from work.)

Mike: I’m home.

(Carol comes out to greet him.)

Carol: Oh, hi, honey.

(They kiss.)

Mike (putting his hand out): For you.

Carol: What?

Mike (taking something from his other hand): A flower.

(Carol laughs.)

Mike: Say listen, you know that mink you were hinting about for our last anniversary?

Carol: Yeah.

Mike: Have another flower.

Carol: Oh, Mike, that’s a terrible joke to play on me.

(She hits him with the flower as Mike runs toward the kitchen.)

untitled disappearing cabinet


S2 E19 The Liberation Of Marcia Brady


untitled marcia's interview

The Liberation of Marcia Brady

Written by Charles Hoffman

Marcia decides to become liberation. Her first action is to join Greg’s Frontier Scout. Greg tries to get even by joining her Sunflower Girl club. Hope you like the script.












STAN JACOBSON, Mike’s scout co-leader

MAN Peter sells cookies to

(The episode begins at Marcia’s school, where reporter Ken Jones shows up to speak to girls abut women’s lib.)

Jones: This is Ken Jones, your mobile reporter. A junior high school may seem a strange place to find a reporter this afternoon, but the young girls of today are the women of tomorrow, and we’d like to get their thoughts on a subject of increasing interest of women of all ages, the woman’s liberation movement. (He sees Marcia and her friend Judy and starts to interview them. He speaks to Judy) Would you mind telling me your name, young lady?

Judy: Judy Winters.

Jones: Well, Judy, what do you think of women’s lib? Do you think girls are equal to boys in every respect?

Judy: Well, I never really thought about it much.

Jones: I see. (He turns to Marcia) How about you, young lady, what’s your name?

Marcia: Marcia Brady.

Jones: Marcia, do you feel that girls are the equal of boys?

Marcia: Well, if we’re all supposed to be created equal. I guess that means girls as well as boys.

Jones: Then I take it you’re for women’s lib.

Marcia: I guess I am.

Jones: Do you have any brothers, Marcia?

Marcia: Yes sir, three.

Jones: Do you think you can do everything they can do?

Marcia: Well, I think I should have the chance to try.

Jones: Tell me this, do they put you down sometimes, I mean, just because you’re a girl?

Marcia (bitterly): They sure do and it’s not fair!

Jones: Do you think girls should do something about that?

Marcia: We certainly should!

(Her friends cheer her on.)

Jones: Thank you, girls. Be sure to watch yourselves on the early news.

(He follows the other girls. Judy and Marcia walk home.)

Judy: Wow, we’re gonna be on television tonight.

Marcia: Yeah.

Judy: And what you said about boys, if my father and brothers heard me talk like that, they’d clobber me. You sure are brave.

Marcia (suddenly realizing): Oh, no!

Judy: What’s the matter?

Marcia: I’m not brave, I’m stupid.

(The scene fades.)

(That evening, Marcia is watching the news in the family room and the boys come in to join her. She abruptly turns it off.)

Marcia: What do you want?

Greg: We want to watch television.

Peter: To get the ball scores.

Marcia (abruptly): Well, the TV set is broken.

Greg: Let me take a look. (He examines the set but Marcia unplugs it) Hey, she’s right. It is broken. (He notices the plug out and gets agitated) For crying out loud, the plug is out.

(He plugs it back again but Marcia shuts the television off.)

Peter: What’s the matter with you?

Marcia: I thought I heard Alice call us to dinner?

Greg: i didn’t hear anything.

(He gets up to turn the set on. They see the reporter interviewing Judy.)

Peter: That’s Judy Winters! (Marcia turns it off again) Will you quit fooling around?

(He gets up to turn it back on and it shows Marcia repeating what she said that afternoon.)

Peter: Hey, that’s you!

Bobby: How did you get on TV?

(Marcia shrugs.)

Greg: Bobby, go tell mom and Dad Marcia is on TV.

(Bobby runs and gets Mike and Carol, while they show what was said between her and Ken Jones.)

Mike: Hey, she looks pretty good.

(Greg shushes him and the interview between Marcia and Ken Jones continues.)

Carol: I agree with that.

(When the interview ends, Marcia turns the television off.)

Greg: How do you like that, the first time my sister goes on TV, she acts like a kook.

Marcia (angry): What do you mean, kook?

Greg (mimicking a reporter, to Peter): Tell me, miss, can you do anything boys can do?

Peter (using a high voice): Yes sir, anything.

Greg (to Bobby): And how about you, miss?

Bobby: Oh yes sir, we do.

(The guys all laugh.)

Mike: Hey, hey, cool it, cool it.

Carol (sternly): Greg, that’s enough.

Marcia (defiantly): I just meant that girls should have the same chance as boys.

Greg (laughing): I’d like to see you prove you can do anything boys can do.

Marcia: Okay, then, I’ll prove it.

Greg: Oh yeah, how?

Marcia: I’ll think of something.

(The boys all laugh again.)

Carol: Okay boys, time to wash up for dinner. come on.

Alice: Come on, you heard your mother, get going.

(The boys leave the room. They are making fun of Marcia.)

Marcia (to Carol): Are you angry with me for what I said?

Carol: Well, of course not, dear.

Marcia: What about you, Dad?

Mike: No honey, I think you have a right to your opinion.

Marcia: Good, because I meant everything I said.

(She leaves.)

Mike (laughing): Kids, they get wound up about the craziest things.

Carol: Well, I don’t think women’s lib is crazy.

Mike: No, I didn’t mean it was crazy. I just meant (Pause) Mmm.

Carol: What?

Mike: Well, some of the things they want are pretty far out. Don’t you think so?

Carol: Well, I never went out marching, but I do believe in some of their causes.

(She snobbishly walks out of the family room and into the kitchen, where she sees Alice.)

Alice: Mrs. Brady, should I put these rolls in (the oven) ?

Carol: Alice, what do you think about women’s lib? I mean, don’t you think women are entitled to the same opportunities as men?

Alice: Uh, well, uh.

Carol: Go on, speak right up.

Alice: Well, I don’t think it’s a bad idea.

Mike: Alice…

Alice: On the other hand, I didn’t say it was a good idea either. I’ll put these rolls in.

Mike (looking at his watch): Oh, hey, I didn’t realize it was this late. We’d better hurry up and have dinner. I don’t want to be late for Greg’s council meeting tonight.

Carol: Mike, we didn’t finish our conservation.

Mike: Yeah, but, honey, I don’t want to be late for the Frontier Scouts meeting. After all, I’m council master this year.

Carol: Chicken.

(She makes the cackling sound as we move into the next scene. Marcia is in her room discussing the matter with her sisters.)

Marcia (plopping on her bed): Life around here is going to be impossible around here until I can find a way to put those boys in their places!

Cindy: But how?

Marcia: I wish I knew, especially Greg!

Jan: Why don’t you go tell him what you think of him. I’ll go with you.

Cindy: Me too.

Marcia: He’s not home. He went to one of his dumb old meetings.

Jan: Boys are always going to dumb old meetings.

Cindy: Why are the meetings so dumb?

Marcia: Because they’re all boys. no girls. (This gives Marcia an idea) Hey, that’s it!

Jan: What? I don’t get it.

Cindy: Me neither.

Marcia: You might not get it, but believe me, they will.

(She smiles at her new idea as we move into the next scene. Greg and Mike are down at the scout meeting. Greg is chatting away with some friends.)

Greg: And Lloyd, he didn’t know I was tracking him, see, because I stepped on a stick, and he must’ve thought it was a bear because he took off like it was a drag race. (He sees Marcia passing by him) Marcia, what are you doing here?

Marcia: You’ll see.

(She goes over to Mike.)

Mike: Hi, honey. Oh, something wrong at home?

Marcia: Nothing, Dad.

Mike (to his partner): Oh, Stan, I’m sorry, this is my daughter Marcia. Marcia, Mr. jacobson.

Marcia: Hi.

Jacobson: How do you do, Marcia?

Mike: What, you need to talk to me about something?

Marcia: Yes, I want to join the Frontier Scouts.

Greg (shocked): You wanna do what?

Jacobson: Uh, well,  I (Pause) I don’t think I understand.

Mike: I think I do. Would you excuse us for a minute? (He takes Marcia aside) Marcia, not that women’s lib business again.

Marcia: Dad, unless there’s a very good reason why I can’t, I want to join Greg’s Frontier Scouts.

(Mike and Stan Jacobson are searching the rule books.)

Greg: Well?

Mike: Well, I can’t find a thing. What about you, Stan?

Jacobson: There’s nothing here, Mike. (He looks up at the guys) Um, fellas, I, uh, I’m afraid there’s nothing in the regulations that says a Frontier Scout has to be a boy. (All the scouts grown) I’m afraid, uh, we’ve always just assumed it was for boys.

(Marcia smiles.)

Mike: Well, that being the case, Marcia, here’s your handbook. But, before you can become a Frontier Scout, you’ll have to pass a field initiation test. You’ll find all the requirements in there.

Marcia (taking the book): Well, thanks everybody. I’ll see you all at the next meeting. Bye.

(She leaves.)

Greg (to Mike): She’s really flipped her lid. That’s the craziest thing I ever heard of.

Mike: Greg, Marcia doesn’t feel that way.

Greg: I’ll show her. I’ll show her just how dumb it is.

(Greg fumes as we move on tot he next scene. The boys are in their room discussing the matter.)

Bobby: How come girls do dumb things and don’t even know it’s dumb?

Peter: ‘Cause they’re dumb.

Greg: There’s gotta be some way to show Marcia how silly she looks trying to be a Frontier Scout.

Peter: Why did she have to start all this for? I mean, what’s wrong with her own girls club.

Greg: Well, the Sunflower Girls are girls, she wants to be a boy. She has to (Pause) the Sunflower Girls!

Bobby: What?

Greg: Her club. I wonder how she’d like some of her own medicine.

Peter: What do you mean?

Greg: What if I joined the Sunflower Girls? That would show her.

Peter: Hey, that’s wild.

Bobby: Can boys get in?

Greg: There’s one way to find out.

(Greg goes in the girls room to find the sunflower girls handbook. He goes back in his room to join his brothers.)

Peter (to Bobby): Hey, he’s got it.

Greg: Nobody was in the room so I sneaked it out.

Peter: Well, what does it say?

Bobby: Boy, this is really gonna get her?

Peter: Marcia’s gonna flip.

Greg (looking in the manual): Yeah, yeah, here it is. Nope, there’s nothing in the guide book that says a sunflower girl has to be a girl.

Peter (excited): Then you can join!

Greg: Yeah. (Pause) Oh, no.

Bobby: What’s the matter?

Greg: Well, it doesn’t say anything about being a girl but listen to this. A sunflower must be of good character and between the ages of 10 and 14. I’m too old.

Peter: Oh, and it was such a great idea.

Bobby: I’d do it but I’m not 10 yet.

(Greg and Bobby start looking at Peter.)

Peter: Oh no, not me. I’m not going to be any sunflower girl.

Greg: But you got to, Pete.

Peter: No chance, no way.

Bobby: How come it was okay for Greg?

Peter: That was different.

Greg: This isn’t just for me, this is a chance to fight back for all men.

Bobby: And for all boys.

Greg: For all mankind.

Peter: Me, a sunflower girl?

(They give Peter the handbook and wish him luck. The scene fades out.)

untitled peter the brownie

(In the next scene, the boys are in the den talking it over with Mike.)

Mike (laughing): Peter, a sunflower girl?

Greg: It’ll really show Marcia how silly she looks for joining my club.

Mike: That’s a pretty wild idea (to Peter) How do you feel about that?

Peter: Sillier than Marcia will.

Bobby: But you got to, Pete.

Peter: Well, what do you think, Dad?

Mike: Oh, no no, that’s your affair. You guys keep me out of this.

Greg: Come on Pete, please.

Peter: Well, okay.

Bobby: Neat-o.

Mike (warning): Now listen, I don’t want this thing to get out of hand. You understand?

Greg: It won’t Dad. He probably won’t have to join the sunflower girls. When we tell Marcia, she’ll back out of her whole dumb idea.

Mike: Good luck.

(The boys leave the den. Marcia is practicing CPR on Alice out in the den.)

Marcia: Out, two, three, four. In, two, three, four.

Alice (exhausted): Hey, I thought mouth to mouth resuscitation was the going thing these days.

Marcia: We have to learn both ways for our initiation test.

Alice: Ohhhh.

Marcia: Out, two, three, four, in.

Alice: How about a little break. I’d like to get some dinner while I still have some breath left.

Marcia: We can practice the fireman’s carry and the leg sprint later.

Alice (upset): Do we have to?

Marcia: Alice, I’m not doing this just for me. It’s for all women. Don’t you want to be liberated?

Alice: Liberated, yes. Lacerated, no!

(She gets up and walks away. The boys come up to Marcia to tell her the news about Peter joining her club.)

Greg (smiling): Have I got a news flash for you.

Bobby: Yeah, a news flash.

Greg: If you’re joining the Frontier Scouts, Peter’s going to join your sunflower girls.

Marcia: What?

Greg: That’s right, isn’t it, Pete?

Peter: Yep, that’s right.

Bobby: What do you think of that?

Marcia: I think it’s great.

Peter (surprised): Great?

Marcia: Peter, at least you see my point. There isn’t any reason why we all can’t join whatever group we want to. (She takes him by the arm) There’s a big meeting tonight and I’ll introduce you to all the girls. And you’re just in time for the big cookie sale. I’ll even lend you my uniform.

(Next, Carol goes into Mike’s room to bring him a coffee and inquire bout Peter’s shenanigans.)

Carol: Mike, is Peter really joining the sunflower Girls?

Mike: Well it looks that way, honey.

Carol: But that’s ridiculous.

Mike: Sure it is. It’s not any more ridiculous than Marcia joining the Frontier Scouts.

Carol: Oh yes, but, Marcia’s really serious about this woman’s lib business.

Mike: What about men’s lib? Don’t you think men ought to be able to be free what men do best?

Carol: Sure, and I think woman ought to do what women do best, but, there are some things that men and women do equally well.

Mike: I agree with that, especially one thing.

Carol: What’s that?

Mike (coming up to her): Pucker up and I’m going to show you.

(He starts to kiss her.)

Carol: Stop it. Watch the coffee.

(Meanwhile, Peter is upstairs putting away some boxes of sunflower cookies. Greg and Bobby come in the room and he tries to hide them.)

Greg: What are you doing?

Peter: Nothing.

Bobby: What’s in the boxes?

Peter: Just, just some stuff. (He tries blocking them but Greg goes to look behind him.) I said, just some stuff.

Greg (grabbing a box): Sunflower girl cookies.

Bobby (pointing at something else): What’s that?

(Greg grabs it form the drawer.)

Greg: Marcia’s uniform.

Bobby: You’re going to wear it?

Peter: Are you kidding?

Greg: Peter, that’s part of our deal.

Peter: I’m not gonna wear any skirt, and I’m not gonna sell any cookies.

Greg: You have to do it, Marcia only went along with this because she thought you’d chicken out.

Bobby: Yeah, let her chicken out.

Greg: Right, call her bluff.

Peter (hesitant): Well.

Greg: You don’t have to wear the skirt, just the other stuff.

Peter: Okay.

Greg: We’ll even help you sell the cookies. Come on, let’s get dressed.

(They go to make Peter’s first sale. they stop at a neighbor’s house.)

Peter: Maybe there’s nobody home.

Bobby: Ring the bell and find out.

Greg: And remember what you have to say.

Peter: Do I have to say that?

Greg: Peter, if Marcia finds out you didn’t go strictly by the rules, we’re sunk. I’m making her go by the rules for the Frontier Scouts.

Peter: Okay.

Greg: And smile.

(Peter goes to ring the bell. Greg hides behind a wall on the side of the house and pulls Bobby back there with him. A man comes to the door.)

Man: Yeah?

Peter: I am a little sunflower, sunny, brave and true. From tiny bud to blossom, I do good deeds for you.

Man (surprised): Are you kidding?

Peter: No, sir. Would you like to buy my cookies?

Man: Cookies?

Peter: A dollar a box. it’s for the sunflower girls.

Man: You putting me on? Hey, uh, are we on one of them, uh, hidden camera shows?

Peter: Whoever sells the most cookies wins the contest.

Man: And, uh, what do you get if you win?

Peter (bitterly): I get to be blossom of the month.

(Greg and Bobby look on.)

Man: You’re really serious.

Peter: Yes, sir. Would you like to buy my cookies?

Man (taking out a dollar): I’ll take a box, kid.

Peter: You will?

Man: Yeah, I hate cookies, but I admire your nerve. Blossom of the month.

(The man laughs and closes the door. An angry Peter walks up to Greg and Bobby.)

Peter (humiliated): That’s it, I quit. I don’t care if Marcia gets to be president!

(He throws the sunflower girl hat on the ground and storms off.)

Bobby: What do we do now?

Greg: I’ll think of something. Marcia’s supposed to take her initiation test tomorrow on the campout.

Bobby: Can’t you goof up her test some way?

Greg: Nah, it wouldn’t be fair. But I can make her stick to every single rule. One slip, just one mistake and she’s out.

(Greg, Marcia and all the Frontier Scouts are on the campout, as Marcia finally takes the test.)

Jacobson: Hey, this looks like a pretty good spot. What do you think, Mike?

Mike: Yeah, yeah,  just fine. Okay fellas, let’s get unloaded.

(Mr. Jacobson counts the troop and Marcia, who trailed behind, joined them. She sits.)

Greg: What are you doing sitting down?

Marcia: Don’t we get a chance to rest now?

Greg: Not yet. We got to put up our tents now.

(Marcia takes her back pack off and we next see her attempting to put up her tent as the scouts watch.)

Greg (laughing): How long are you going to give her to put it up?

Mike: Take it easy, Greg. There’s nothing in the guidebook that says he have to put a time limit on it.

(Marcia finally gets it up.)

Marcia: There. How’s that?

Mike: Well, I have to say that’s not bad.

Marcia: What’s my next test?

Greg: Not much. Just a few simple little things. (to Mike) She’ll flunk for sure.

(Marcia makes an angry face at him. We next see her starting a fire from rocks.)

Marcia (frustrated): oh, what’s the use?

(She puts the rock down angrily. Suddenly, smoke rises form under it.)

(Next, she is practicing first aid on Greg. She wraps him in a gauze.)

Greg: I’m only supposed to have a concussion. How am I going to breathe?

Marcia: Through your mouth.

(She puts the part of the gauge covering his mouth down.)

(Next, she is digging a hole in the ground. Mike goes over to her.)

Mike: Are you sure you don’t want a breather?

Marcia: No thanks, Dad. If boys can do it, so can I.

(Next, Marcia follows a trail that Greg made. He made it as difficult as possible so she wouldn’t follow it in time. Greg and the other scouts sit around the camp waiting.)

Greg (laughing): She’ll never make it in time.

Mike: Listen, you did blaze a proper trail for er to follow. Didn’t you, Greg?

Greg: Oh, sure, Dad. Of course, some of the marks I left were a little small.

(Greg laughs and falls on his back. Mike comes up to him.)

Mike: Come here. (He takes him aside) You know, you’ve been giving Marcia a hard time through this whole thing and she’s been a pretty good sport.

Greg: I just wanted to show her that joining the Frontier Scouts is a kooky idea.

Mike: Well, kooky or not, she’s given it a pretty good go, right up to this last test.

Greg: I guess. But if she passes this, I’ll personally invite every girl I know to join.

(Mike notices Marcia made it in time and passed the test.)

Mike: You better start making out your invitations.

Greg: She made it in time.

Mike (looking at his watch): With a minute to spare. (to Marcia) You okay, sweetheart?

Marcia: Dad, you don’t call Frontier Scouts sweetheart, but I’m okay.

(Stan Jacobson follows.)

Mike: How did she do, Stan?

Jacobson: Well, she found every sign that Greg left for her to follow. I don’t know how she did it, I got lost twice myself.

Mike: Well, she passed every test. (to Greg) Listen, I think you ought to be the one to tell her the good news.

Greg: Okay.

(He goes to congratulate Marcia, who had fallen asleep in her tent.)

Greg: Marcia, you made it. (He notices she’s sleeping) Marcia. Well, how do you like that? Most guys would be jumping around yelling our heads off, my kooky sister goes to sleep.

(Back at home, Cindy is fuming to Carol and Alice why she couldn’t go to Marcia’s initiation ceremony.)

Cindy: I still don’t see why we all can’t go.

Carol: Honey, the initiation ceremony is just for the Frontier Scouts.

Jan: But this is a big victory for us girls. From now on, we’ll be treated the same as boys.

Alice: At your age, it’s victory. At mine, it’s defeat.

(Carol goes out to the living room. She sees Greg and Mike coming down the stairs.)

Mike: Marcia down here yet?

Carol: She’ll be down in a minute. You know it always takes girls longer.

Greg: You see? Girls.

Mike: Okay, okay (calling) Marcia!

Marcia (coming down the stairs in a dress): Yes, Dad.

Mike: How come you’re not in your uniform?

Carol: Is something wrong, honey?

Marcia: I called Mr. Jacobson to tell him I’m not going.

Greg (shocked): You what?

Carol: But honey, the initiation ceremony’s tonight.

Marcia: Not for me.

Mike: You mean you don’t want to join the Frontier Scouts after all?

Marcia: No, chopping and tracking I guess is nice, I guess, if you’re a boy. It really is. I just wanted to prove to myself I could do it even if I’m a girl. (to Carol) Oh, did the new fashion magazine come yet?

Carol: Sure, it’s in my room. Come on, I’ll show you.

Greg (to Mike): Wow.

Mike: Well, I guess the initiation is off.

Greg: I don’t understand women at all.

Mike: Well, it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind.

Greg: Who said that?

Mike: I don’t know but I (he and Greg both) bet it was a woman.

(The scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Peter in the kitchen enjoying some cookies.)

Peter: Boy, these sure are good cookies, Alice. The best you ever made.

Alice: Thanks, Peter, except I didn’t make them.

Peter: Then they’re the best Mom ever made.

Alice: She didn’t make them either.

Peter: Boy, they’re good, where did you get them.

Alice: We bought them from you. They’re sunflower girl cookies.

Peter (fuming): on second thought, they’re not too good.

(He picks his plate up and puts the rest of the cookies away.)

untitled marcia the scout


S2 E18 Our Son, The Man

untitled greg the man

Our Son, The Man

Written by Albert E. Lewin

Greg has an attitude that he is an adult because he is in high school. Hope you enjoy the script.













(The episode begins with Peter, Cindy and Bobby in the backyard running around and acting like Indians. Greg is in the family room, on the phone.)

Greg (on the phone): Oh you did, laid it right out to them. What did your folks say? (the other kids come in yelling and running around) Hey you guys, hey you guys, cool it.

Bobby: We’re not guys, we’re Indian braves.

(They continue running and yelling.)

Greg: Knock it off, what do you think you’re doing?

Peter: I’m doing an Indian, they needed another Indian.

Greg: Can’t you see I’m on the phone.

(Jan comes in with her transistor radio.)

Jan: Hey you guys, listen to this great new group.

(They listen and groove to the music.)

Greg: Jan, I’m on the phone. (He gets back on the phone) Listen, Mick, I’ll have to call you back. (He hangs up) Oh, kids.

(He turns Jan’s radio off in frustration and leaves the family room. Meanwhile, Alce and Carol are in the kitchen putting away groceries.)

Carol: These vegetables really look fresh, Alice.

Alice: How about these eggs, should I hard boil them? (Greg comes through the door and accidentally knocks them into Alice) On second thought, maybe scrambled would be better.

Greg: I’m sorry, Alice.

Alice: It’s all right, gooey, but all right.

Carol (sternly): Greg, do you have to come booming through doors like that?

Greg: Those kids, they have no respect for a man’s privacy.

Carol: What man?

Greg: Me, I’m in high school now, and when you’re in high school, you’re not a kid anymore, you’re a man.

Carol: Oh?

Greg: And a man doesn’t want to be pestered by kids? He wants privacy. Mom, I think we need to make some changes around here.

(He leaves.)

Carol (calling to him): What changes?

Alice: Changes?

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike coming home from work, with Greg waiting to speak to him.)

Mike: Hello, I’m home.

Carol (greeting him at the stairs): Hi honey, how was your day?

Mike: Eh! (He and Carol kiss) Hi sweetheart, everything under control around here?

Carol: Oh well, I think you cold answer that better when you talk to the man.

Mike: Oh yeah, what man is that?

Carol: The man’s that waiting for you, upstairs.

Mike: Upstairs?

Carol: Uh huh.

Mike: What man?

Carol: Your son.

Mike: My son?

Carol: The man.

(Mike goes upstairs to talk to Greg, who just emerged from the bathroom after shaving.)

Mike: Greg.

Greg: Yeah, Dad.

Mike (noticing cuts on his face and laughing): What happened to you?

Greg: I was just shaving, I got a couple of little nicks.

Mike (laughing): You were shaving? Don’t you think you ought to practice without a blade first?

Greg: I wasn’t practicing, I was shaving. It’s starting to come in real heavy now. (He points to a whisker on his face) Feel that. (He feels) Really tough, huh?

Mike: It’s one of the toughest whiskers I ever felt.

Greg: Yeah? Which one?

Mike: There’s more than one?

(They both laugh.)

Greg: Dad, I hope you didn’t mind me borrowing your razor.

(He opens the door to his closet and gets a jacket.)

Mike: I’m sure you didn’t hurt it any. Listen, you want to talk to me about something?

Greg (putting his jacket on): Oh, it’s like this, Dad. You see, I’m in high school now, Dad.

Mike: Well, I’m with you so far, Greg.

Greg: High school is where the men are separated from the boys.

Mike: And you’re with the men now.

Greg: Right Dad, I am. but not around here, around here, I’m still with the boys.

Mike: Peter and Bobby.

Greg: Yeah, and a man needs his privacy, Dad. I never have a free minute to myself.

(Peter and Bobby come in the room arguing over who will use Greg’s flashlight on the family’s camping trip.)

Peter: Greg, can I use your other flashlight when we go camping Friday?

Bobby: You got to use it last time we went to Mount Claymore!

Greg: Can’t you guys ever knock.

Mike: All right, you boys, Greg and I are having a talk.

Bobby: About the campout?

Greg: Who cares about a campout? That’s for kids.

Peter: You always go.

Greg: Well, not anymore. I’m too old for those campouts, Dad. Do I have to go?

Mike: No, we’re not going to force you to go. (to Peter and Bobby) You boys go along, we’ll be through in a minute.

Peter (to Bobby): Since Greg isn’t going, I get the good flashlight.

Bobby: That’s not fair!

Greg: See what I mean Dad, no privacy.

Mike: Well, Greg, we’ll just have to see if there is something we can do about it.

Greg: Uh, I know what we can do about it, Dad.

Mike: You do? What?

Greg: I’d like my own room.

Mike (astonished): Your own room?

Greg: Remember Dad, we’re talking man to man now, not kid to man, man to man, but man to man, man to man.

Marcia (coming in the room): Greg, Dad.

Greg (angry): Marcia, can’t you see I’m having a talk with Dad?

Marcia (flustered): I just wanted to tell you that dinner was ready, gee!

Greg: I got to have some privacy.

Mike: Greg, I’ll think about it, but I’m not gonna make any promises. now you understand that?

Greg: Yeah, I understand, Dad. And man to man, thanks.

(He shakes Mike’s hand.)

Mike: You’re welcome.

(That evening, Mike is in his room with Carol discussing possible options for Greg.)

Carol: Honey, Greg always loved these family campouts. Besides, if he doesn’t go, he’s gonna be home alone all weekend.

Mike: Oh, Carol, Greg’s not a child anymore, you know. He wants to start being on his own a little bit. We got another problem anyway.

Carol: We have?

Mike: Yeah, he asked me for his own room. Well, he has a point. You know, he does need a little privacy, I guess.

Carol: What did you say?

Mike: Well, I told him I wouldn’t make him any promises, but I’d think about it.

Carol: Well, I guess he is growing up. (Mike agrees) Mike, why couldn’t we do something in the garage?

Mike: Honey, you’re talking about major construction.

Carol: I know, how about the attic.

Mike (laughing): That would be great if Greg were 2 and a half feet tall. (Note: that was where Greg moved a couple of years later. Did they forgot about this?)

Carol: Yeah.

Mike: Well, we’ll think about it tomorrow. Good night, honey.

Mike: Good night, dear.

(They kiss and turn the lights out, then go to sleep. Carol suddenly has a thought.)

Carol: Mike.

Mike: Mmm hmmm.

Carol: What about your den?

Mike: Honey, my den is not a bedroom.

Carol: What’s a bedroom? It’s a room with a bed in it.

Mike: Carol, my den is where I work. We’ll put him in the family room.

Carol: The family room? (She turns the light on) That’s where I do my sewing, and the girls practice their dancing in there and, besides, where would all the kids play?

Mike: Honey, I don’t know.

Carol: Well, never mind. Don’t you worry about it. We’ll just have to (Pause) figure something else out. You keep your den.

Mike: Wait, wait a minute. You’re making me the villain in this thing.

Carol (insincerely): Not at all, darling.

Mike: Yes you are, Carol. You’re putting it all right in my lap.

Carol: Oh, I am not.

Mike: You’re not going to give me the guilts about this now, I need my den. I’m not being unreasonable about this, I’m not.

Carol: Well, of course you’re not, good night, darling. (She kisses him, turns the light out and goes to sleep. Mike stays awake) See you in the morning.

Mike: Well, I’m not.

Carol: Good night, darling.

(The next day, Greg is excited because Mike surrendered his den to him.)

Greg: You mean it, Dad, I can really have your den?

Mike: We’ll move my things into the family room.

Greg: Man, does this have possibilities.

Mike: Possibilities, for what?

Greg (ecstatic): Changes dad, changes.

Mike: What kind of changes?

Greg: You know, making it my own pad. My own scene.

Mike: Your own scene?

Greg: Oh, I mean if it’s okay with you.

Mike: Oh sure, if it’s going to be your own room. Listen Greg, I don’t want you to get silly about this. No nails or pant on the walls, you understand?

Greg: This place is real funky.

Mike: Funky, that’s square?

Greg: No, that’s together. Terrific.

Mike: Oh, how about that. My den is funky.

(The next scene has Alice laying the sleeping bags out for the campout.)

Alice: Oh, these are clean enough. My only question is I wonder if they’re warm enough for this time of year.

Marcia: It can get pretty cold up at Mount Claymore.

Alice: Yeah, I know it. Now, let’s uh, let’s just try one.

(Alice tests one of the sleeping bags.)

Cindy: Alice.

Alice: You want to help me with this, Marcia?

Marcia: Okay.

Cindy: But Alice.

Alice: Just a second, Cindy.

Cindy: Alice.

Alice: Honey, would you wait just a minute, please. (to Marcia) Oh, this is gonna be fine, all nice and warm. (to Cindy) Now honey, what was it you wanted to say?

Cindy: That that’s the sleeping bag that the zipper always sticks on.

(Alice realizes that was the one. She tries to squirm out.)

Alice: Oh no, you’re right. This is the one.

(Marcia and Cindy try to help her get out. Greg is moving some chairs and lamps from Mike’s den.)

Greg: What are you doing?

Marcia: She’s stuck.

Alice: It’s this zipper.

Cindy: I tried to tell her.

Greg (putting the chair and lamp down): let me try it, sometimes it takes a man.

(He goes over to help.)

Alice: Okay, what are you doing with your father’s den chair?

Greg: I’m storing it in the garage. I’m giving the den a whole new look. I’ve got something else for sitting.

Alice: Well, I’d be careful. If anything happens to that chair, you won’t be doing any sitting.

Greg: Don’t worry, Alice. This zipper is really stuck.

Cindy: Hey, maybe we can squirt he rout like toothpaste.

(Greg and Alice cuff at the remark.)

Greg: Marcia, grab an end. Just grab that corner.

Alice: Brace, brace your foot on my arm and get some leverage that way.

Greg: Okay, you ready?

Alice: Yeah.

(they finally get her loose and Greg falls back.(

Greg: I told you, it took a man.

Alice: Oh thanks, for a minute there I thought I had a permanent maxi-coat.

(The next scene has Greg moving his things out of his room and into the den. Peter and Bobby come in the room.)

Peter: Today’s the day, huh. You’re really gonna move.

Greg: That’s right.

Bobby: You don’t like us anymore?

Greg: Oh sure I like you, you’re my kid brothers. But now I’m in high school, all right. You know what I mean?

Bobby: Yeah, you don’t like us anymore.

Greg: That’s got nothing to do with it. It’s just men need their privacy, that’s all.

Peter (to Bobby): Hey, he’s a big shot now. We’re lucky he even talks to us.

(Greg seems to have difficulty moving his mattress through the door.)

Greg: How about you two grabbing one of the ends.

Peter: I don’t think we can.

Greg: Why not?

Peter: We’re just kids. That mattress is too heavy for a little shrimp like me.

Bobby: I’m even shrimpier than he is.

Greg (frustrated): Forget it.

(Marcia and Jan are walking down the stairs and they notice Greg’s mattress at the bottom of the staircase.)

Marcia: Why did Greg leave his mattress here?

Greg: I didn’t leave it, it fell on me.

Jan: Would you mind moving it?

Marcia: Or have you decided to take over the rest of the house?

Greg (crawling out from the bottom of his mattress): Okay, okay.

Marcia: When is your inner sanctum gonna be ready?

Greg: Tonight. Hey, why don’t you pay me a visit.

Marcia (sarcastic): Thrills.

Jan: I don’t think we can.

Greg: Why not?

Jan: Well if you had visitors, it might disturb your privacy.

Marcia (to Jan): We’ll pay him a visit later, after we get to high school. (They walk away.)

Greg (to himself): Kids.

(That evening, Greg shows Mike and Carol his new bachelor pad.)

Carol: Oh, Greg, I can’t wait to see what you’ve done.

Mike: Yeah, me too.

Greg: You’ll love it. it’s the kind of room I’ve always wanted.

(He lets them in. The room is very hippy like and playing psychedelic music.)

Greg: Here it is. (Mike and Carol are totally shocked) Well. How do you like it?

Mike: Oh, it’s…

Carol: Different.

Mike: I think that’s the word for it, different.

Greg: Won’t you come in and sit down.

Carol: Oh, where?

Mike: Listen, maybe you ought to get things unpacked first.

Greg: What things un… that’s the furniture.

Carol (laughing): Oh, sure. Well it certainly is, uh, what’s that word? Flunky?

Greg: Flunky?

Carol: Finky?

Mike: Funky.

Carol: Finky, funky, flinky, well,  you just enjoy your room, Greg.

Mike: And your privacy.

Greg: Thanks, Mom. Dad.

Carol: We’ll uh, we’ll see you later.

(They leave Greg in there to gloss over his room.)

Mike: It’s hard to believe that was once my room.

Carol: It’s amazing how quickly it went from Danish modern to American disaster.

Mike: Well, it’s what Mr. Greg Brady wanted, I guess.

Carol: I don’t know. First, he outgrows his family, then he wants his own room. I can’t imagine what he’ll have on his mind next.

Mike: Ha! I know what he’ll have on his mind next.

Carol: What?

Mike: Well, it’s shaped like an hour glass but it’s a heck of a lot softer.

(The scene fades.)

untitled senior chick

(The next scene has Greg at his school. He sees an older girl sitting on a bench studying. He attempts to pick her up.)

Greg: Hi.

Girl: Hi.

Greg: Don’t I know you?

Girl: I don’t think so. I don’t know you.

Greg: Oh.

Girl: Would you mind standing someplace else? You’re putting a shadow on my book.

Greg: Oh, sure. Sorry.

(He moves back an inch.)

Girl: Thank you.

Greg: Say, aren’t you in one of my classes?

Girl: Which class?

Greg: History? (She shakes her head no) Well, I know I’ve seen you around school.

Girl: Well, I’m a senior. What about you?

Greg: Well, um, this is my first year.

Girl: Would you excuse me? I really need to study this.

Greg: Oh sure, go right ahead.

Girl: Thank you.

(Greg walks away but runs into another student, dressed as a hippie. They move in the same direction when trying to walk. Greg gets out of his way and the other guy sneaks up to the girl and takes her book.)

Girl: Hey.

Guy: What you reading?

Girl: Oh, you kook. (She notices what he’s wearing) Wow, what a groovy outfit.

Guy: You dig it, huh.

Girl: Out of sight.

Guy: Why don’t you come to the cafeteria, we could rap a little.

Girl: I’d love to. Come on.

(They walk away leaving Greg baffled, particularly on what he’s wearing. That evening, he asks Mike if he could borrow some money.)

Mike: You want a loan?

Greg: Just a little one, Dad. I’m using most of my own money.

Greg: For what?

Greg: Well, clothes.

Mike: Don’t tell me you’ve outgrown your things already.

Greg: Well, yes and no. My stuff still fits me but, like, now that I’m in high school, like it doesn’t fit. Like, you understand?

Mike: Greg, what is all this like talk all of a sudden.

Greg: Oh, like, that’s how guys talk in high school.

Mike: Don’t they still teach English?

Greg; Sure, but, like, you see, dad, these clothes, they’re, they’re too straight for high school.

Mike: Greg, look, you can’t expect a handout every time you want something. Money doesn’t grow on trees.

Greg: I know, Dad. I’ll work and I’ll pay it all back. (Mike groans at this) I promise. It’s just that, in high school, clothes are like, really important.

Mike (after a long pause): All right, all right. (He takes some money out of his pocket) But I expect to get this back.

Greg: Oh, you will, Dad.

Mike: All right.

Greg (taking the money): I knew you’d understand. (He starts walking away): Like, thanks.

Mike (to himself): Like it’s one of my most expensive failings.

(The next morning, Alice calls the kids for school. They are running down the stairs, all except Greg.)

Alice: Come on you guys, hurry up, you’ll be late for school.

Jan: Greg was hogging the bathroom all morning.

Peter (noticing Greg): Hey, look at Greg!

(Greg comes down the stairs wearing a hippy like outfit, as the kids are expressing their amazement. He then pus a pair of shades on.)

Jan: Why are you wearing sunglasses?

Greg: Not sunglasses, shades.

Jan, Peter and Bobby: Shades!

Alice: Well it is quite an outfit. We’re the ones who need the sunglasses.

(Carol and Mike get distracted and come out to the living room.)

Mike: What’s all the noise.

(Carol and Mike get shocked at his appearance.)

Carol (astonished): He looks like, like…

Mike: Would you believe Sitting Bull?

(All the other kids leave for school.)

Greg: Kids, what do they know about life?

(He gives Mike and Carol the pace sign and goes into the kitchen.)

Greg: Good morning, Carol. Good morning, Mike.

(He sits down for breakfast. His upset parents join him.)

Mike: Now look, Greg. Calling your parents by their first names might be the fad these days, but around here, we are still mom and Dad to you.

Greg: Oh, I just figured you wouldn’t want someone as old as I am calling you Mom and Dad.

Carol: Oh, well that’s really very considerate of you, Greg.

Mike: Yes, but we’ll take an infirmity of the titles.

Greg: No big deal.

Mike: Greg, uh… Would you excuse me for a minute. (He removes the shades from Greg’s face) Now, remember, we are leaving for Mount Claymore this afternoon right after school.

(Greg’s shades fall back on his face)

Carol: And we’d love it if you didn’t have any other plans, if you’d change your mind and come along.

Greg: I’ll have plans. The guys at school always get something together. Something real heavy. I may even have a date with this chick.

Carol: Does this chick have a name?

Greg: I don’t know her name, but we rapped at school.

(They are a little baffled over the word rapped.)

Greg (looking at his watch): Oh wow, I’ve got to split. like, later.

(He gets up and leaves.)

Carol (to Mike): Like, wow.

Mike: Rapped?

Carol: I wonder if that’s against the law.

(At school, Greg sees the same girl sitting on the bench and copies the hippie student’s behavior.)

Greg (taking her book): Hey, uh, what are you reading? (He realizes he ripped out a page) Oh, gee, I’m sorry. Here, uh, you can have my French book.

Girl: But yours is first year, mine is senior.

Greg: Oh, well, I’ll buy you a new one. How much did this one cost?

Girl: Four dollars, but, you don’t have to.

Greg: Oh, no, I want to, really, here. (He goes into his pocket and finds himself short) Oh, I don’t have four dollars. I got a quarter for some glue.

Girl: Just give me back my book, huh.

Greg: Gee I’m sorry, I really am.

(He sits on the bench with her.)

Girl: I believe you. Can I ask you something?

Greg: Oh, sure, anything.

Girl: Well, you’ve been knocking yourself out trying to get my attention. Why?

Greg: Uh, well, I thought I’d ask you for a date. Maybe a movie or something over the weekend.

Girl: Well, maybe next year. You know, you’re really going to be kind of cute when you grow up. (The bell rings) See you.

(She gets up and goes to class.)

Greg (to himself): When I grow up?

(Back at home, the family is preparing for their camping trip. Greg goes into the room to see Peter and Bobby.)

Greg: Hi, you guys all ready?

Peter: Just about.

Bobby: Where’s the fishing stuff?

Peter: I already put it in the car.

(Peter is finishing packing his backpack.)

Greg: Here, let me help you with that.

Peter: It’s all right. We don’t want to bother a big shot like you.

Greg: I was only trying to help.

Bobby: Us little kids can handle it.

(The next scene has Greg in his room on the phone.)

Greg: Hi Freddy, it’s Greg. I’m just calling to see what you guys got going for tonight. Hey, yeah, that sounds really heavy. Oh, um, no, no, sure Freddy, I can see why you guys couldn’t dig a new guy along. Well, um, maybe, yeah, maybe some other time. Yeah, yeah, later.

(He hangs up and starts to ponder. He goes out in the hall, where the kids are running down the stairs leaving.)

Greg: Jan, remember not to stand up in the canoe.

Jan: I won’t.

Greg: And Marcia.

Marcia: We can manage, Greg.

Jan: Even if we’re not in high school.

(Greg starts to ponder a little more. The girls head towards the kitchen and meet Alice.)

Alice: Hey, come on bunch, get in the car.

Marcia and Jan: Okay.

Mike (coming in): Hey, Alice, come on. Everybody is ready except us grown-ups.

(They pick up a couple of boxes to bring to the car. Greg comes out.)

Greg: Hey Dad, can I give you a hand?

Mike: No thanks, I’ve got it, son.

(He picks up the box and heads towards the car. Carol comes out.)

Carol: Well, I guess that’s everything. Listen Greg, there’s plenty of food in the refrigerator, so, please remember to eat.

Greg: Don’t worry, Mom.

Carol: You’re sure you won’t change your mind and come along?

Greg: No, I got a lot of things planned.

(Carol kisses him goodbye.)

Carol: Well, I hope you have a good time.

Greg: You too, Mom.

(Greg realizes he’ll be all alone for the weekend. Mike takes one last stop inside the house to check on Greg.)

Carol: What’s the matter, honey? You forget something?

Mike: No. Greg may need a couple extra dollars for the weekend. I’ll be right back.

Carol: Okay.

(She gets inside the car as Mike goes back in the house. Greg is in his room, feeling dejected.)

Mike (coming in): Greg, listen, I wanna see if you have enough money for the weekend.

Greg: Oh, yeah, I guess so.

Mike: I thought with the chick and all…

Greg: Oh, that kind of fell through.

Mike: What about the fellas?

Greg: They’ve, uh, got other plans, Dad.

Mike: Really?

Greg: Yeah.

Mike: That’s too bad.

Greg: You know something funny, Dad? When I was in junior high, I felt like I was a pretty big man on campus.

Mike: You were, weren’t you? You were graduating, you were class president.

Greg: But now that I’m in high school, I’m nobody.

Mike: No, it’s not that you’re nobody.

Greg: It’s just like starting all over again.

Mike: Well, sure, but you’re going to be starting all over again when you go to college too, and again and again. Hey, that’s part of life.

Greg: Yeah, I guess it is.

Mike: Mmm hmmm.

Greg: Dad, I know I’ve been acting like kind of a big shot lately, but is it all right if I go on the camp-out?

Mike: Sure it would be. Come on.

Greg: Gee, thanks, Dad, I’ll get my stuff.

Mike: I don’t think you have to, your brothers have already done it for you.

Greg: They have?

Mike: Well, they were hoping pretty hard you’d change your mind. We all were. But, we thought maybe you were getting a little too big, too soon.

Greg: I wasn’t getting too big, Dad. just my head.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike back in his den, with Greg back in his old room with his brothers. Carol comes down asking mike if he’s finished working.)

Carol: Mike, aren’t you ever coming to bed?

Mike: Yeah, in aminute, honey.

Carol: You know, I think Greg is really glad to be in his old room again.

Mike: Yeah, he sure seems to be.

Carol: Whatever you’re doing, can’t it wait until the morning?

Mike: Well, this is kind of important.

Carol: What is it?

Mike: You know, this thing with Greg got me thinking.

Carol: About what?

Mike: About Marcia and Peter and Bobby and Jan and Cindy. So look.

Carol (looking at his drawing): What is it?

Mike: Our house, with eight bedrooms. kind of funky, huh.

(He and Carol hug.)

untitled hippy greg


S2 E17 Coming Out Party

untitled tonsils

Coming Out Party

Written by Alfred Lewis Levitt and Helen Levitt

Mike’s boss, Mr. Phillips, invites the family on a boat trip. The only thing to stand in its way is Cindy, then Carol, need to go to the hospital for a tonsillectomy. Hope you enjoy the script.












(The episode begins at Mike’s office, where he is working on a design. Mr. Phillips, Mike’s boss, comes in.)

Phillips: How’s it going Mike?

Mike: Fine, Mr. Phillips.

Phillips (checking Mike’s design): Very good! That window detail in native stone helped a lot.

Mike: Yeah, I thought they added something.

Phillips: How about adding something else, the Brady family to my boat Saturday. That is, if they’d like a fishing expedition.

Mike: Oh, I’m sure they would. There’s a lot of people, eight.

Phillips: Why not make it nine. Bring your housekeeper. My wife and I really enjoyed that dinner at your home.

Mike: That’s a pretty big invitation.

Phillips: Well, it’s a pretty big boat, and a pretty big ocean. Talk to you about it later.

(He turns and leaves the office.)

Mike: Thanks, Mr. Phillips.

(He gets on the phone to call home, but Carol is on the phone with her chatterbox friend, Ellie. Later on, she is still on the phone.)

Carol: Well, Carter’s has nice towels, Ellie. On sale? Yeah, it would be worth taking a look. How about next Thursday. (Mike comes in the door) Oh, well look, Ellie, I got to go, Mike’s home. No, look. why don’t you call me later. No, I have to go now, Ellie, good-bye. (She hangs up and to Mike) It’s almost impossible to get her off the phone.

(Mike kisses her.)

Carol; Where is everybody?

Carol: Scattered.

Mike (calling): Hey kids, kids!

Carol: Is something wrong, Mike?

Mike: No. On the contrary, everything is dandy. (He calls again) come on, gang, on the double!

(Jan, Cindy, Peter and Greg come.)

Jan; We’re here, Dad.

Cindy: On the double.

Mike: Where are, uh, Bobby and Marcia?

Greg: Bobby’s over at Chuck’s.

Jan: Marcia’s at Sue’s.

Mike: We’ll pass the good news on to them later.

Peter: What good news?

Mike: Mr. Philips has invited all of us, including Alice, out on his boat next Saturday for a day of deep-sea fishing.

(The kids all get excited and cheer.)

Carol: Well, Mike, I think the kids have other plans on Saturday.

Jan: We’ll change them.

Peter: Sure.

Cindy: I’ve never been on a boat before.

Greg: I think I’d rather go fishing.

Mike: Then there’s no reason we can’t go. Now, everybody stay healthy and let’s not spoil this trip.

Greg: Hey, Pete, let’s check our fishing gear.

Mike (to Carol);: We better go tell Alice about this.

(Just as everybody leaves in excitement, Cindy lets out a sneeze. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Alice and the boys outside in the yard, they are trying to convince her to go.)

Alice: Sorry fellas, I’m not going.

Greg: You gotta Alice, Dad’s boss invited you.

Peter: Especially.

Alice: When it comes to boats, just forget about good old Alice. I get seasick when I stir my coffee.

Greg: It’s all in your head, Alice.

Peter: They have pills you can when you go on boats.

Alice: Yeah, I know, I take those when I start up the washing machine.

(They put up a board on some chairs.)

Greg: But we rigged this up just to help you.

Peter: It’ll keep you from getting seasick.

Alice: No, no thanks, no.

Greg (rocking a chair): All you have to do is get used to the motion. At least try it, Alice.

Peter: Yeah, the trip don’t be the same without you.

Alice: Okay.

Greg: We’ll help you up.

(They help her get up on the board.)

Alice (afraid): Oh, oh, what, what, what do I do?

Greg: Pretend you’re out at sea.

Peter: Isn’t it easy?

Alice: Well, we’re not very far out yet.

Greg: Keep your eye on the horizon. Your knees act like springs. You go against the roll of the boat.

Alice: Hey, this isn’t too bad.

Peter: That’s what we told you.

Greg: Now try it the other way.

Alice: What other way?

Greg: Turn sideways, like you’re going into swells.

Alice (turning around): Like this?

Peter: Yeah. You’ll be the best sailor in the family.

Alice: Yeah, I might at that. Then again I might not.

(The next scene has Mike, Alice and the girls outside with him teaching them some fishing procedures.)

Mike: On Mr. Philips’ boat, we’ll be using live bait. Right now, we’ll use this sinker for weight. Okay?

Marcia (holding the rod): Just swing it back and forth?

Mike: Yeah, give it a lot of arm action, though. And aim for the bucket.

(Marcia tries but misses.)

Mike: That’s good Marcia.

Alice: That was marvelous.

Jan: What kind of fish will we catch, Dad?

Mike: Oh, I don’t know. Uh, bass, barracuda, halibut maybe.

Cindy: I want to catch something big, like a whale.

Carol (coming out) Hello, everybody.

Mike: Let’s see how your Mom can do.

Carol: What, are you kidding? I used to go fishing with my father all the time.

Mike: You did, huh.

Carol: Oh, sure. It’s all in the wrist. You just gotta know how to flip the old wrist.

Mike: Okay, be my guest. Just flip away here.

Carol: Okay, watch this, the old sidearmer. Ready?

(She whistles and aims for the bucket. However, the rod winds up in the yard of their next door neighbors, the Dittmeyers.)

Girls: Wow!

Marcia: All the way into the Dittmeyers yard.

Carol: Here we go.

Mike: Uh-oh, I think you’re hung up there.

Carol: Yeah.

Alice: I’ll get it.

Carol: Thanks, Alice.

(Alice follows the rod to the fence. She steps on a box to look over the neighbors’ yard.)

Alice: Reel it in, Mrs. brady.

Carol: Yeah.

(Alice sees what it is and goes to tell Carol.)

Alice: Congratulations, Mrs. Brady, you just caught a five pound bag of charcoal.

(The girls laugh.)

Carol: Oh, no.

(Cindy sneezes again. the Bradys’ doctor, Dr. Howard, arrives and examines her.)

Dr. Howard: Well, she’s running a low fever and her tonsils are quite inflamed. We’ve been through this before, Mr. Brady (Mike sighs) They really should come out.

Mike: You mean right away, Doc?

Dr. Howard: I’ll check her again Thursday. But, just in case, I’ll reserve a hospital room for Saturday.Meanwhile, uh, keep her in bed and lots of liquids. (He gets up to leave) I’ll send over a prescription.

Carol: Thank you, Dr. Howard.

Dr. Howard (getting up): I’ll find my own way out. (He turns to Cindy) Good-bye, young lady.

Cindy (weakly): Bye.

Mike: Good-bye, Doc.

Carol: Thanks so much for coming.

Dr. Howard: Not at all.

(Carol shuts the door behind him and then goes over to Cindy.)

Cindy: I want to go on the boat on Saturday.

Mike: Well, we can go some other time. I think your tonsils are more important.

Carol: Almost everyone has to have them out sometime, sweetheart. It’s not so bad.

Mike: Nah, sleep through the whole thing.

Carol: And when you wake up you can have all the ice cream you want. And you won’t be catching colds or getting sore throats anymore.

Cindy: But what if my tonsils get better? Then can I go n Mr. Philips’ boat Saturday?

Mike: Well, if you’re better, and you don’t need them out, yes.

Carol: And if you stay in bed like the doctor said, and lots of liquids.

Mike: You know what liquids are?

Cindy: Sure, water and milk, and even ice cream if you melt it.

(The next scene has Marcia and Jan taking Cindy’s temperature.)

Marcia (to Jan): She still has a slight fever.

Jan: I guess there goes the boat trip.

Cindy: It isn’t my fault. It’s my tonsils fault.

Carol (coming in): Isn’t it a little warm and stuffy in here?

Marcia: Patient’s rooms are supposed to be warm.

Carol: Not stuffy, now let’s leave that door open. You girls are a real big help.

Jan: I’m going to get her some more soup.

Cindy: Oh please, honey, give Alice a fighting chance, you’re using it up faster than she can make it.

Marcia (checking Cindy’s temperature): 101.5

Cindy: When did you take it?

Marcia: Just now.

Jan: And five minutes ago.

Marcia: We take it every five minutes.

Carol: Why don’t you just leave it in her mouth.

Jan: Then she couldn’t eat her soup.

Marcia: You know what the doctor said about liquids, Mom.

Cindy: Soup’s a liquid, even if it has junk in it.

Jan: We want her to get well so we can go on that boat trip.

Marcia: We gave up our ballet for Saturday afternoon.

Carol: Yes, I know all about it. Now why don’t you two Florence Nightingales go get ready for dinner, the relief nurse will take over. (Marcia hands her the thermometer) Thank you.

(Next, Peter and Greg are in their room, sulking about missing the boat trip. Mike comes in.)

Mike: Chow time, men. (They stay and continue brooding.) Oh, why the dragging chins?

Greg: Well, with Cindy sick, the boat trip will probably be off.

Mike: Oh yeah. Well, it’s not exactly the end of the world.

Greg: Well, look what we gave up for it.

Peter: Yeah, the Hansons invited Bobby and me to the circus Saturday afternoon, and we turned it down.

Greg: And I gave up a basketball game, they got some guy to replace me.

Peter: Now we don’t even have the boat trip.

Mike: Well, maybe we do.

(Mike is on the phone with Mr. Phillips. Greg and Peter are standing there with him.)

Mike: Two weeks from Saturday would be better for us, Mr. Phillips, if it’s okay with you, of course. Oh yeah, that’d be fine. Thanks very much. I’ll see you in the morning. (He hangs up) All set, men.

Greg: Thanks, dad.

Peter: Let’s tell the girls.

Alice: So it’s down to the sea again in ships?

Mike: Yeah, you don’t sound too thrilled.

Alice: Well, let’s just say I’m none the mal de merrier.

Mike: Oh, Alice, seasickness is just a state of mind.

Alice: Well, I’m a native of that state. (He picks up a tray) I’d better get this soup up to Cindy, she hasn’t had any in 15 minutes.

Carol (coming in the kitchen): Hmm, looks good. (to Mike) Well, the boys broke the good news.

Mike: Yeah, in two weeks, Cindy ought to be fine.

(The phone rings. Carol answers.)

Carol: Hello. Oh, it’s you, Ellie. Well, I’m just a little busy at the moment, Ellie.

Mike: Be firm, hang up.

Carol (shushing him): Mike, I can’t insult her. (back on the phone) of course, I’m listening, Ellie. (Mike grabs the phone cord and causes the phone to drop. Carol picks it up and puts it back in place) Yes Ellie, yes, sure. Yeah, everything’s just fine. Yeah.

(The next scene has Dr. Howard back at the house to check on Cindy. He is trying to get her to open her mouth so he can check her tonsils.)

Dr. Howard: I just want one look, Cindy.

Cindy: I’m all better.

Mike: Honey, Dr. Howard’s not going to hurt you.

Carol: He just wants to check your tonsils.

Cindy: My tonsils went away.

Dr. Howard: Now please honey, just one little peek.

(Cindy opens her mouth for just half a second.)

Carol: Oh honey, watch Mommy. It’s very simple, just open your mouth wide and the doctor puts the little stick in. (The doctor puts it in Carol’s mouth and she says ah) There, you see, honey.

Dr. Howard: Mrs. Brady, would you mind if I take another peek?

Carol: Oh no, not at all. Now watch, honey. (The doctor puts the stick in again) See honey, there’s nothing to it.

Mike: Now you do what Mommy did.

Carol: Right, it’s your turn now Cindy, come on.

Cindy: Okay, but only one peek.

Dr. Howard: Open wide. (Cindy opens up and says ah) Uh-huh, well, there’s no doubt about it.

Carol: They have to come out?

Dr. Howard: Oh, for sure. (He turns to Mike) Check them into the hospital before 6:00 Friday afternoon.

Mike (astonished): Them?

Carol: Us?

Dr. Howard: Mrs. Brady, your tonsils are almost as bad as Cindy’s.

Carol: But that’s impossible, Dr. Howard. I mean, I had sore throats every now and then but, well, it feels just fine now.

Cindy: Mine too.

Dr. Howard: Mrs. Brady, there are other symptoms of tonsillitis, and, in adults, it can be more serious if you let them go.

Carol: But…

Dr. Howard: Mrs. Brady, if you feel that I’m qualified to judge your daughter’s condition, then you must feel I’m qualified to judge yours.

Carol: Oh, I do.

Dr. Howard (to Mike): Check them both into the hospital before 6:00 Friday afternoon. )He turns to leave) Good-bye all, good-bye.

(Mike starts laughing.)

Carol: Well, you might have said something, Mike.

Mike: Honey, I was afraid to open my mouth or he’d take mine out too.

(The scene fades out.)

untitled sick cindy

(The next scene has Carol packing for the hospital, with help from Marcia and Jan.)

Carol: I hope you kids are going to be all right while I’m gone.

Marcia: We’ll be fine, Mom.

Jan: We’ll have Dad and Alice.

Carol: Oh, that’s right.

Marcia: And you’ll have Cindy.

Peter (coming by): Have a good time, Mom.

Carol: Oh, thanks, Peter. (to herself) That’s funny, that’s the same advice I got some Bobby. (to Peter) Don’t forget, you have a dental appointment in the morning.

Peter: How could I forget? You told me three times in the last half hour.

(Peter leaves.)

Carol: Marcia, you better go help Cindy pack, okay?

Marcia: She’s all packed. Jan helped her.

Carol: Well then, what are we waiting for?

Maria: You.

(Greg comes by.)

Greg: Anything I can do, Mom?

Carol: Yes Greg, would you tell your father that we’re just about ready?

Greg: Right. (Mike and Cindy appear) Here he is.

Carol (noticing Cindy holding her doll): Cindy honey, I don’t think you’ll need your doll in the hospital.

Cindy: If I have to have my tonsils out, so does she.

(Mike picks up Cindy’s suitcase.)

Mike: Cindy, what in the world have you got in here?

Cindy: Oh, just a few things I need.

Carol: Like what?

Cindy: Like my stuffed elephant, my teddy bear, my piggy bank and a bag of rocks.

Alice (coming in the room): I’ve got a few non-essentials here for Cindy. Pajamas, slippers, toothbrush.

Carol: Oh, thanks, Alice. (They put them in her suitcase) Well, I guess that’ll just about do it. (The phone rings) That’s got to be Ellie.

Mike (answering the phone): Hello. Oh, hi Ellie. Oh, I’m sorry, you just missed her. She’s on her way to the hospital. Yeah, I sure will, bye Ellie.

(He hangs up.)

Carol: Mike, I am not on my way to the hospital.

Mike: Oh, yes you are, come on, right now.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, when you get back, the ice cream will be ready and waiting.

Carol: Thanks Alice, that’s a very comforting thought.

(They all leave the room. Next, we see a shot of the hospital, then the family coming back from the hospital. Alice gets some ice cream for Cindy and Carol, who are upstairs in the parents’ bed and Dr. Howard checking up on them.)

Dr. Howard: Well, you’re both doing fine. Now, I want you to follow two strict orders. First, stay in bed.

Carol (muttering): Doctor.

Dr. Howard: And second, not a peep out of either of you. (Carol makes a waving gesture) Now, what’s that supposed to mean?

Mike: The family’s due to go on a boating trip a week from Saturday

Dr. Howard: Oh. You’ll make it. Lots of liquids, uh, gelatin, ice cream. And remember, no talking, okay? I’ll drop by tomorrow morning.

Mike: Thanks, Dr. Howard.

Dr. Howard: Bye-bye.

(They wave good-bye to him.)

Mike: Well, I have to get to the office. Is there anything you want? Uh, don’t answer, write it down. Cindy? (She shakes her head no) Okay. Now remember Carol, no talking, especially if your friend Ellie calls, let Alice answer the phone. (She gives him the okay signal) Okay, I’ll be home early.

(Carol blows him a kiss and Alice comes in with ice cream for both of them.)

Alice: Well, this should get them off to a good start. (Carol and Cindy knock their spoons together, as if making a toast) Now remember, it’s a little rough, going down at first. Take your time. easy does it. (Carol gives a discomforting look) I’m headed for the market, any special requests?

Carol (weakly): Get a dozen?

Alice: Write it down. (Carol gets a pad and apaer and writes, then hands a paper to Alice) Okay, Cindy, more ice cream? (Cindy nods) Vanilla? (She nods), Chocolate? (She nods again) Strawberry? (Cindy nods again) Which one? (Cindy nods again, Alice gets the message)

(Mike calls the house from the office. It rings three times and Carol answers.)

Carol: Hello.

Mike (angry): Carol, what are you doing answering the phone? Where’s Alice?

Carol: At the market. I won’t, I won’t do it again.

Mike: Good, how do you feel? Uh, no, don’t answer. I’ll see you later, bye.

(They hang up and Cindy makes a shameful gesture to Carol. She takes a magazine to read. Mike calls again a few minutes later. Carol answers after several rings.)

Carol: Hello.

Mike (faking his voice): Hi Carol, this is Ellie.

Carol: Ellie? It doesn’t sound like you.

Mike: You know why?

Carol: Why?

Mike (with his real voice): Because it’s your husband.

Carol: Sorry, wrong number.

(She hangs up. Mr. Phillips is at the office.)

Secretary: Yes, Mr. Philips.

Mr. Philips: Get me Mike Brady, please.

Secretary: Mr. Brady left 15 minutes ago. Something about getting home to his wife.

Mr. Philips: Oh yes, she’s back from the hospital. Uh, what’s that number?

(He calls the house.)

Cindy (weakly): Bet that’s Daddy.

Carol: Not again. Maybe it’s Ellie. (It rings a few more times and she answers) Hello.

Mr. Philips: Ahoy, Mrs. Brady, this is Mr. Philips.

Cindy (to Carol): Daddy?

Carol: Sure it’s Mr. Philips.

Mr. Phillips: Feeling better?

Carol: Not well enough to go on that broken down barnacle barge of yours.

(She hangs up, much to Mr. Philips surprise and chagrin. Mike walks in.)

Mike: Hi, honey.

Carol: Oh, no.

Mike: What’s the matter?

Carol: Mike, I just…

Mike: Honey, don’t talk, write it. What did you just?

(Carol takes the pad and writes on it. She passes a piece of paper to Cindy, who passes it to Mike.)

Mike (reading): My boss. You thought it was me on the phone trying to trick you? (She passes another piece of paper to Cindy, then to Mike, who reads it) You called his boat a broken down (he finishes her sentence on another piece of paper) barnacle barge? You know, this wouldn’t happen if you stayed off the phone. Oh well, I’m sure I could square it. (He goes tot he phone) I’ll call him back and explain the whole thing. He’ll probably get a big kick out of it. (He starts dialing and gets on the phone) Mr. Philips please, Mike Brady calling. (Pause) Mr. Phillips, this is Mike Brady, listen, there’s been a funny misunderstanding today and I think you’re gonna get a big kick out of it. (Mr. Phillips hangs up) He didn’t get a big kick out of it.

(That evening, Mr. Phillips comes to visit with flowers.)

Mr. Philips: Good evening, Mike.

Mike (answering the door): Mr. Philips.

Mr. Philips: May I come in?

Mike: Why, of course.

(Mike shakes his hand and lets him in.)

Mr. Philips: Thank you. (He sees Carol laying on the couch in the living room.) Well, it’s good to see you up and around.

Carol (whispering): Thank you.

Mike: She’s not supposed to speak. That’s what caused the mix-up on the phone this afternoon. She thought it was me trying to trick her.

Mr. Phillips (to Carol): Well, you can insult a man’s wife, but never his boat. I must admit my nose was slightly out of joint at the time, but thinking it over, I realized there must be some logical explanation, and that’s why I dropped by, to bring you these.

(He give her the flowers.)

Carol (whispering): Thank you.

Mr. Philips: And to ask you if you’d all still like to go on that boat trip a week from Saturday.

Mike: Oh, I think I can get you a quick answer, Mr. Philips. (yelling) Kids! (Greg, Marcia, Jan and Peter come out) Mr. Philips wants to know if we still want to go on that boat trip.

(They all get excited and cheer, then go back tot heir rooms.)

Mr. Philips: Splendid, I’m looking forward to it myself. (Carol writes him a note and hands it to him) For me? (He reads it) I have a beautiful boat? (He laughs) Well, that makes up for everything. Good night, Mrs. Brady, Mike.

Mike: Good night, Mr. Philips and thanks.

Mr. Philips: Don’t mention it. Uh, don’t bother seeing me out.

(He leaves.)

Carol (whispering): Mike.

Mike: Honey, don’t talk.

Carol: But Mike.

Mike: Oh boy, I guess there’s only one way to shut your mouth.

(He gives her a big kiss.)

(The next scene has the Bradys on the boat with Mr. Philips, they are sailing, fishing and doing other fun things. That evening, they return home.)

Marcia: What a groovy day on Mr. Philips’ boat.

Jan: What about that fish I caught.

Cindy: My fish was bigger, well, if I caught it.

Carol (laughing): Okay kids, up to bed.

(The girls go upstairs, Mike and Carol remain in the kitchen.)

Mike: Kids sure got a kick out of it.

(Greg and Peter follow with a seasick Alice.)

Greg: I don’t know anybody could get seasick so fast.

Alice: It wasn’t so fast. I was perfectly fine till I saw the boat.

Carol: Okay guys, we’ll take over from here. Thanks. (She and Mike handle Alice) Come on, Alice.

Mike: Now, you’ll be all right.

(They help her to her room as the scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Greg and Peter in the backyard trying to land their fishing rods in the bucket.)

Greg: I bet I’ll get it in this time. (Greg misses and Peter laughs out loud) Well I was close.

(Carol and Alice come out.)

Alice: Hey, you fellas better get washed up.

Carol: Your father will be home for dinner any minute.

Peter: Wait a second, Mom, we’re having a contest. (to Greg) Bet you I get it closer.

(Peter tries but no luck.)

Greg (laughing): You missed it by a mile.

Peter: You didn’t get it in either.

Carol: Uh, you guys want to stand back and watch the old queen of the sidearmers here take over? (She takes the rod) Watch this now, right into the old bucket.

(She aims but it goes over the fence.)

Greg (laughing): Right over the fence.

Peter: You don’t know your own strength, Mom.

Carol: Well, if you got it, you got it.

Alice: Oops, I think you’re hooked up again.

Carol: Oh, no.

Alice: Yeah, come on.

(Alice follows the line and steps on a box to see where the line ended up. She feels something and gives a unsure look to Carol.)

Carol: I hope it’s not Mr. Dittmeyer’s charcoal again.

Alice: No, Mrs. Brady, it’s Mr. Dittmeyer.

(Alice rises up the angry neighbor while Carol and the boys laugh.)

untitled mr. dittmeyer


                       THE END

S2 E16 The Drummer Boy

untitled drums

The Drummer Boy

Written by Tom and Helen August

Peter gets teased by his football team because he’s in the glee club. Bobby, who failed to make the glee club, decides to become a drummer. Hope you enjoy the script.











DEACON JONES, pro football player


LARRY, Peter’s teammate

JIMMY, another teammate

FREDDIE, another teammate

(The episode begins with Peter, Cindy and Jan running home in excitement. Bobby trails behind but is in a morose mood. The others go in the house and scream for their Mom. She comes running down the stairs.)

Peter, Jan and Cindy: Mom! Mom! Listen! Listen!

Carol: My goodness. Okay, okay. What’s the excitement?

Peter: Really great news. Guess what.

Carol: What?

Cindy: We’re in the glee club.

Carol (pleased): That’s wonderful!

Peter: They had tryouts today, and we were picked.

Jan: listen to us.

(They all sing the first verse of Loch Lomond.)

Carol (clapping): Hooray for the Brady singers!

(Carol sees a depressed Bobby come in.)

Carol: Hi, Bobby.

Bobby: Hi.

(He sits down and looks upset.)

Carol: Why the long face?

Cindy: He didn’t get picked for the Glee club.

Peter: Billy Mingus said Bobby couldn’t carry a tune if it had a handle on it.

(Jan and Cindy laugh.)

Bobby: Oh yeah?

Jan: Sue Barry said he sounded like a frog.

(She makes a croaking sound.)

Carol: All right, Jan. That’s enough.

(Bobby is sitting in the kitchen, still depressed over his lack of voice. Carol comes in and sits down to try cheering him up.)

Carol: Would you like an apple?

Bobby: No, thanks.

Carol: How about some cookies? (Bobby shakes his head no) I’ll bet you’d like a great big dish of your favorite ice cream.

Bobby: I don’t want anything.

Carol: Aw, come on, Bobby. Cheer up, you have a very nice voice. Well, it probably just isn’t the kind of voice the glee club needs this year.

Bobby: You really like my voice?

Carol: Listen, you can sing for me anytime.

Bobby: I can?

Carol: Yes, sir.

(Bobby sings the verse of Loch Lomond, albeit off-key.)

Carol: That’s really not bad at all, Bobby.

Bobby: I sound awful.

Carol: Aw, come on, honey. Look on the bright side. You know when boys grow older their voices change. and I’ll bet when yours does, you’ll have a brand new voice.

Bobby: Yeah, it might even be worse.

(The scene fades. The next scene has Mike arriving home form work. He and Carol go up to see Bobby, who is laying on his bed, moping.)

Carol: Honey, Daddy’s home.

Mike: Hello, son.

Bobby: Hi, dad.

Mike: Listen, I’m sorry about you not getting into the glee club.

Bobby: That’s okay. (He gets up) They didn’t need a rotten singer.

(He sits down by the desk.)

Mike (laughing): I’m sure you’re not as bad as all that.

Bobby: Ask Mom.

Carol: Of course he isn’t that bad.

Bobby: Yes I am. I may not sing good, but I hear good.

Carol: Oh, honey, just because you’re not a great singer doesn’t mean you aren’t musical.

Mike: Hey, maybe you should play an instrument.

Carol: That’s right, how about trying one?

Bobby: Like what?

Mike: Like, any instrument you want.

Carol: There must be one you like.

Bobby: Maybe there is.

Carol: Why don’t you ask your music class teacher about it tomorrow.

Bobby (suddenly excited): That’s what I’ll do. I’ll pick an instrument tomorrow.

Mike: Good, now go wash up for dinner. (Bobby runs into the bathroom. Mike turns to Carol) Have you heard him sing?

Carol (quietly): Yes?

Mike: And?

Carol: That was a very good idea you had about the instrument.

Mike (laughing): He’s terrible.

(The next scene has Peter getting ready for football practice with Greg helping him.)

Greg: You think you guys can take the Blue Devils Saturday?

Peter: Take them? We’re gonna knock the horns off them. Guess who we got helping us at football practice today.

Greg: Who?

Peter: Deacon Jones.

Greg: Ah, don’t give me that. Deacon Jones is all pro. He plays with the Rams.

Peter: Yeah, but he’s a friend of our coach. They played high school football together. So Deacon is gonna give us a few tips.

Greg (amazed): Son of a gun. Deacon Jones.

(Jan comes in with Cindy.)

Jan: Let’s go, Peter.

Cindy: Come on, or we’ll be late.

Peter: Okay, I’m coming.

Greg: Don’t tell me they’re on the team, too.

Peter: Come on. We got glee club practice first then I go to football practice. See ya.

(He starts to take off.)

Greg: Peter!

Peter (stopping): Yeah?

Greg: You forgot something. (Greg throws Peter his helmet.) Your helmet, your left shoe and your right shoe.

(Peter collects his shoes and leaves.)

(The next scene has Carol and Bobby coming home. Alice comes out and greets them.)

Alice: Hi.

Carol: Hello, Alice.

Bobby: I picked my instrument, Alice. I’ll go tell everybody.

(He runs off.)

Alice: I never saw him so excited.

Carol: It’s done wonders for his morale.

Alice: What instrument did he pick?

Carol: Behold.

(She shows Alice a drum set they purchased.)

Alice (worried): Drums? (Carol nods) Well, I’m not so sure what that’s gonna do for our morale.

Carol: Well, his music teacher encouraged him. She said that he had exactly the right qualifications.

Alice: Oh, what qualifications does a kid need to play the drums?

Carol: A mother with a station wagon.

(She hits one of the drums with her hand. Next, Deacon Jones is talking to Peter’s team and giving them pointers how to play. peter has yet to arrive from glee club.)

Jones (to two players): You’re offense, you’re defense. You got to get moving quick. You got to keep moving. You’ve got to hit, and drive through the quarterback, and then drive straight ahead, got it?

Larry: Got it, Deacon.

Jones: Go.

Coach: That’s hitting it Larry, that’s the way to hit it.

Jones: Gee, the rams could sure use you. (He turns to the coach) Hey Ted, what time is it?

Coach: Oh, that’s about it, Deacon. Afraid he’s got to go, fellows.

(The team groans in disappointment.)

Jones: I’ll be back, fellows. I’ve got to go practice with the big guys.

(The team says good-bye as Peter comes for practice.)

Peter: Coach, sorry I’m late.

Coach: It’s all right, Pete. I want you to meet Deacon Jones. Deacon, this is Peter Brady.

Jones: Hi, Peter. (They shake hands) Hey, you’ve got a pretty good grip. What position do you play?

Peter: End. Offensive end.

Jones: Gee, that’s bad news for fellows like me. Take it easy.

Peter: I will, good-bye.

(He goes over to join the rest of the team.)

Larry: You missed it, Pete. The stuff Deacon taught us was great.

Jimmy: Where were you?

Peter: I was at glee club. It took longer than I expected.

Larry: You’re kidding.

Freddie: Glee club?

Peter: Yeah, what’s the matter?

Larry: You mean you spent the whole time sitting around with a bunch of girls?

Peter: What do you mean girls? There’s guys in the glee club too.

Jimmy: They’re songbirds.

Freddie: Yeah, canaries.

Larry: Sure, football’s for boys. (He turns to the whole team) Hey guys, did you hear? We’ve got a canary on our team.

(They all laugh. Back at the house, Mike and Carol are discussing Bobby’s newfound interest in drumming.)

Mike: Well, those drums should really take Bobby’s mind off not getting in the glee club.

Carol: Yeah, and you know the kids were really very sweet, they made a big fuss over them.

Mike: Yeah, I hope he doesn’t get discouraged. You know you can’t learn to play a musical instrument in a day. It takes a lot of practice.

(Bobby starts playing and makes a ruckus.)

Carol: Like you said, it takes a lot of practice.

(Bobby continue to play, much to the parents’ dismay. Peter, Jan and Cindy are upstairs rehearsing for the glee club, singing another verse of Loch Lomond when they hear Bobby’s playing and get distracted.)

Cindy: How are we supposed to practice?

Peter: You can hear those drums all the way to Loch lomond.

Jan: Right now I wish Bobby was in the glee club.

Peter: I wish he was in Loch lomond.

Carol (entering the room): Hi, kids.

Jan: Hi, Mom.

Carol: How’s it going?

Jan: It isn’t, Mom. We can’t even hear ourselves sing.

Peter: I’m gonna go tell Bobby to knock it off.

Carol: Uh, uh, that’s exactly why I came up here.

Cindy: To tell Bobby to knock it off.

Carol: No, sweetheart. To remind all of you how important those drums are to Bobby. Now, he was very upset when he didn’t get into the glee club. Now he’s so happy to be doing something musical.

Jan (sarcastic): Musical?

Carol: Promise me you’ll try to be patient and understanding. Okay?

Jan: Okay.

Peter: Okay, I got football practice anyway.

Carol: Cindy?

Cindy: Okay.

(Next, Carol is in the boys’ room talking to Greg and Marcia, who are trying to study.)

Carol: It really means a lot to Bobby!

Greg: We’re sure not gonna get much homework done, Mom!

Carol: Well, I know it’s hard but let’s try not to hurt his feelings, okay?

(She leaves the room. Marcia closes her books and gets up.)

Greg: Aren’t you gonna study anymore?

Marcia: Yeah, under the hair dryer, it’ll be quieter there.

(Next, Mike goes into the kitchen and sees Alice.)

Mike: Hi, Alice, what’s for dinner?

Alice: What?

Mike: Dinner!

Alice: Thanks! I’m glad somebody thinks I look thinner!

Mike (to Carol): Honey, we’re gonna have to straighten this out!

Carol: Yes, dear, but we started it!

Mike: Oh yeah, we did, but…

Carol: Yeah, well, maybe a few more lessons at school.

Mike: You honestly think a few more lessons is gonna improve him?

Carol: Honestly?

Mike: Yeah, honestly.

Carol: Let’s go in and talk to him.

(They go in the family room, where Bobby is practicing.)

Bobby: I’m getting good, huh?

Mike: Well, actually, Bobby, uh…

Bobby: I’ll get even better with more practicing.

Carol; More practicing?

Bobby: Some guys practice eight hours a day. Listen to this.

(He turns the stereo on to play music and drums along with it. Mike turns it off after a few minutes.)

Mike: Whoa!

Bobby: I sure am glad you wanted me to play an instrument.

Mike (laughing): Yeah, well we did, didn’t we.

Carol: That we did.

(Bobby starts to play some more, much to their chagrin.)

Bobby: I got a groovy beat, huh?

Mike: Well Bobby, you play just fine for a beginner.

Carol: Funny, that was just what I was going to say.

Bobby: Gee, thanks.

(He plays more and upsets the parents further. They show the house, rocked with his playing.)

(The next scene has Peter at football practice.)

Peter (to Larry): Come on, let’s go.

Larry: I wouldn’t want to hurt the star of the glee club.

Peter: Cut it out, Larry. I’ve been taking it from you guys all afternoon.

Larry: Aw, he got his feelings hurt.

Peter: Freddie, how about you?

Freddie: Nah, I wouldn’t wanna ruin your beautiful voice.

Peter: Jimmy?

Jimmy: Nah, you might sprain your ankle, then you wouldn’t be able to reach your high notes.

(They all laugh.)

Peter (leaving): All right, you guys.

Larry: We don’t need any canaries on our team.

Freddie: Maybe he can stand around and sing songs while we play.

Jimmy: That’s it, Peter can be a pom-pom girl.

(They laugh and join the rest of the team. Peter goes home, hurt and humiliated as the scene fades.)

untitled glee club football

(The next scene is back at the Brady house, Bobby is still drumming and driving the rest of the family crazy. Greg and Marcia go into Carol’s room for permission to go to the library.)

Marcia: Can we go to the library tonight?

Carol: To do your homework?

Greg: Yeah, it’s the only place we can study and get away with the drums.

Alice: You ought to try the closet, it’s not bad at all in there.

Carol: Well, all right, kids.

Marcia: See you later.

Greg: Bye.

(Marcia closes the door on her way out. Carol and Alice are emptying Carol’s closet with old boxes.)

Carol: I don’t know how we manage to collect so much stuff. These empty boxes can go out, Alice.

Alice: Right. I hate to say it, Mrs.. Brady. The more I hear Bobby play, the more I’m convinced that drumsticks are for turkeys.

Carol (laughing): At least it’s better here than in the kitchen.

Alice: Anyplace is better than the kitchen. The kitchen is in the line of fire. (She collects the boxes from Carol) I’ll get rid of these.

Carol: Oh, Alice. Bobby hasn’t improved at all, has he?

Alice: Mrs. Brady, every day he plays just a little worse than the day before. And today he’s playing like tomorrow.

(She opens the door to exit as Jan and Cindy come in.)

Jan: Oh hi, Alice. (Alice passes) Mom, can we go over to Linda’s?

Cindy: To rehearse for the glee club?

Carol: The drums.

Jan: Yeah, Linda’s house is three blocks away, out of the noise belt. Can we go?

Carol: Sure kids, run along.

(Jan and Cindy run into Peter, who enters the room.)

Jan: Oh, come on, Pete. We’re going over to Linda’s.

Peter: Not me, I’m not going.

Cindy: But you have to.

Peter (adamantly): I’m not going.

Jan (to Cindy): Come on.

Carol: Peter, don’t you have to practice?

Peter: Who can think of singing with all that banging going on. I might as well quit the glee club.

(He leaves the room. Mike enters.)

Mike: Honey.

Carol: Oh, Mike, complaints are coming in from all precincts. I mean, Peter might even quit the glee club because of Bobby’s drumming.

Mike: I got the solution to Peter’s problem. In fact, I have got a solution to everybody’s problem.

Carol: You have?

Mike: Did it ever strike you that a musician should have his own studio to practice in?

(The next scene has Mike and Carol moving Bobby’s drum set to the garage.)

Mike: See, you got the whole garage. Well, out here you won’t be disturbed by telephones all the time.

Carol: And your brothers and sisters won’t be in your way either.

Bobby: Yeah. It’s kind of like the music room at school.

Mike: This is kind of like your own private studio, huh.

Bobby: Boy, that’s neat-o.

(He starts playing and Mike and Carol go outside.)

Carol: have fun.

(Mike is inside his den enjoying the peace and quiet they got to have again. Carol comes in with coffee.)

Carol: Well, how about a coffee break?

Mike: Hey, good idea.

Carol: Careful, it’s hot. (He cautiously takes it) Well, how’s it going with Bobby out in his studio?

Mike: Good, at least I can concentrate without the beat-beat of the tom-tom clogging up my head.

Carol (laughing): Well, I think we’ve finally solved the problem.

(Peter comes in.)

Carol: Oh, Peter.

Mike: Hey, come in son.

Peter: Hey, you can practice at home now.

Mike: Yeah, it’s certainly quiet enough now.

Peter: I don’t feel very much like singing.

Mike: Huh? You mean you’re still thinking of quitting the glee club.

Peter: Tomorrow, I guess.

Carol: Well, I thought you said it was about Bobby’s drumming.

Peter: I guess it’s really not because of Bobby.

Carol: Oh?

Peter: It’s because of the guys on my team.

Mike: Football team?

Peter: They think singing’s for girls, and canaries.

Carol: Well, what’s that supposed to mean, canary?

Peter: I don’t know, I guess it’s a chicken that can sing.

Carol: That’s why you’re leaving the glee club?

Peter: I guess so.

Mike: Listen, before you make that decision, I think you better give that some more thought. Don’t you quit for the wrong reason.

Peter: But they keep teasing me all the time.

Mike: Well, so what? I don’t think you’re a canary because you sing in the glee club. Huh? You make up your own mind.

Carol: Why couldn’t you play football and still be in the glee club.

Peter: Yeah, I could do both, but I think I better quit.

(He leaves the den.)

Carol: Oh, Mike, he loves the glee club.

Mike: Yeah, I know he does. (The phone rings) I’ll get it. (picking it up) Hello. Speaking. Yes, I understand, but it’s still kind of early yet. Yeah, of course. Right. Good-bye. (He hangs up) That’s one of the neighbors about Bobby’s drumming.

Carol: Oh, well, there’s always one crank in the neighborhood.

(The phone rings again.)

Mike (picking up): Hello, yeah. (He makes a gesture to Carol that it’s another complaint) Well, so much for the great outdoors.

(The next scene has Bobby back inside the house drumming away. carol and Mike are in the living room discussing the problem.)

Mike: Carol, we’ve been patient, but now we’ve got to do something!

Carol: Look, Mike, if he can’t practice, he’ll have to give up the drums! He’ll be crushed!

Mike: It’s not going to crush him! It might dent him a little bit!

Carol: Oh, Mike! Couldn’t we just wait a little…

Mike: Carol, it’s not fair to eight other people in this house! Or the neighbors, or the city. (He starts to laugh and puts his fingers in his ears) Or the state.

(That evening, they are in their room discussing what to do next.)

Carol: I suppose you’re right.

Mike: Yeah, well, we’ll simply have to tell Bobby. It’s not fair to the rest of the family.

Carol: Okay, we’ll tell him in the morning. (Mike agrees) Good night, honey.

(She reaches over to kiss him.)

Mike: Good night, sweetheart.

(He turns out the light.)

Carol: No, let’s tell him tomorrow after school. Why ruin his whole day?

(She turns out her light.)

Mike: Oh yeah, no need to ruin his whole day. Boom, boom, boom.

Carol: What?

Mike: I said boom, boom, boom. It’s that drumming that keeps going through my head. Just boom, boom, boom.

(Carol pats his head. The next day, Peter is at football practice and Deacon Jones is there to help out.)

Jones (to the team): Just try as hard as you can, that’s all your coach and your team can ask of you. And that’s all you can ask of yourself.

Coach: All right, let’s see how our pass defense is coming along. Peter, you play offensive end, and you, Larry, you are defensive end, let’s go.

Larry: Oh boy, I get the canary.

(The team laughs.)

Peter: Cut that out, Larry.

Larry: When the ball snaps, he’ll probably get up and sing.

(More laughter from the team.)

Jones: Don’t ever underestimate your opponent.

Larry: This guy will be a cinch, he’s a songbird.

Peter: Not anymore, I’m going to quit the glee club.

Jones (to Larry): You think this guy can’t play football because he sings?

Larry: Sure, you know, singing is for canaries. Sissy stuff.

(The coach starts to laugh.)

Jones: I sing. Am I a sissy?

Larry (surprised): You? Gosh, no Deacon.

Jones: Matter of fact, we got a group on our team. And we perform when we’re not playing football.

Peter: I didn’t know that.

Jones: If singing was sissy stuff, we’d be missing a lot of good men in sports.

Coach: That’s right. Rosey Grier, he sings, I don’t know anyone who’s brave enough to call him a sissy.

Jones: Not even me.

(Peter and Larry look like they get the message.)

Coach: Then there’s Joe Namath and there’s another pretty tough fellow named Joe Frazier.

Jones (to Peter): I don’t think you have to quit singing just because you think it’s sissy.

Peter: No, I guess not.

Coach: All right, let’s play football. Let’s have a little action here.

Jones (to Peter): Go get him, Tiger.

(They play. The next scene has Mike come in to the kitchen to greet Carol.)

Mike: Hi, honey. (He kisses her and then hears Bobby playing his drums) Don’t tell me, let me guess, Bobby’s home.

Carol: Straight to the house and straight for those drums.

Mike: I think it’s time we had our little talk with him.

Carol: I’m with you.

Peter (coming in): Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. I better hurry or I’ll be late for practice.

Mike: Looks like you just finished.

(Bobby stops drumming and Mike repeats himself.)

Carol: I thought you quit.

Peter: Nope. Did you know there’s a lot of guys who sing that aren’t sissies? Deacon Jones, Rosey Grier, Joe Namath. Would you call them sissies, Dad?

Mike (laughing): No, not for the life of me.

Peter: Guess what. Now there’s a lot of guys on the team trying out for the glee club. I better hurry or I’ll be late.

(Peter leaves.)

Carol (to Mike): Well, what do you know about that?

(Bobby starts drumming again.)

Mike: Let’s go have our talk. (They start heading to the family room) I’ll try and be gentle.

(They go in the family room. Bobby stops once again.)

Bobby: Hi.

Carol: Hi, Bobby.

Mike: Hello, son. Bobby, listen, your mother and I would like to talk to you.

Bobby: Sure, I want to talk to you too.

Carol: You do?

Bobby: Well, I wanted to ask you, well, if, gee, I hope this doesn’t make you mad.

Mike: What is it, Bobby?

Bobby: Well, I know how much you wanted me to be a drummer. (Pause) Would you be too disappointed if I quit?

Mike: Quit the drums?

Bobby: Uh huh.

Carol: Forever?

Bobby: Never mind. I’ll stick with them, I know how much you wanted me to play.

(He plays some more. Mike stops him.)

Mike: No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. If you want to give up the drums, that’s perfectly fine with us.

Bobby: Are you sure?

Carol: Positive. That is, if that’s really what you want.

Mike: That’s the point, Bob. Now, it has to be what you want. There are certain things a boy has to do, like homework or chores, but…

Carol: But you shouldn’t pretend to enjoy things just to please other people.

Mike: Ask Peter, he found out the same thing.

Bobby: I guess you’re right, and that really make sit neat-o. There’s another kid at school, George, and he wants to be a drummer.

Mike: Oh, well, I’m sure George will appreciate you giving up the drums for him.

Carol: Well, that’s really very thoughtful.

Bobby: Now I can switch with George, he’s gonna play the drums and I’m gonna play his instrument.

Mike: His instrument?

Bobby: Yeah, he loaned it to me so I could try it.

(He pulls out a bugle.)

Carol (annoyed): The bugle?

Bobby: Yeah, listen to this.

(He starts to pay and is just as bad on that as on the drums.)

Carol: I think he’s going to hurt himself.

(Mike laughs. Early the next morning, Bobby is outside playing the bugle. This awakens Mike and Carol.)

Carol: Mike, is that Bobby?

Mike: It’s not Gabriel. I think he’s trying to play reveille.

(Carol groans and tries going back to sleep. Mike gets out of bed.)

Carol: You’re not going to get up, are you?

Mike: Just long enough to tie a knot in his bugle.

(Mike leaves the room to head downstairs. Bobby is still playing off-key as the scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Mike coming home with a gift for Bobby.)

Mike (coming through the door): Hey, it’s me.

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart. (He gives her a kiss.) Bobby home?

Carol: Yeah.

Mike (calling): Bobby!

Carol (pointing to the gift): What’s that?

Mike: It’s for Bobby. Listen, I spent half the day trying to figure this out. I finally got it.

Bobby (coming to him): You called?

Mike: Yes, son, I have something for you.

Bobby: For me?

Mike: Bobby, I know how very much you want to be in the band. And we tried the drums, we tried the bugle, but I honestly think this is going to be the answer.

Bobby (opening the package): The baton?

Mike: Yes.

Carol: Bobby, that’s the most important part of the band.

Mike: You think you can learn to use that?

Bobby: Sure I can. Watch this.

(He goes around the living room twirling it.)

Mike: That won’t give us any trouble.

(Bobby went to toss the baton, and something accidentally broke.)

Bobby: Gee, I guess it’ll take a little practice.

Carol: A great idea.

untitled drummer boy

           THE END

S2 E15 Will The Real Jan Brady Please Stand Up?

untitled wig

Will The Real Jan Brady Please Stand Up?

Written by Al Schwartz and Bill Freedman

Jan buys a brunette to try standing out from her sisters. Hope you enjoy the script.












LUCY WHITAKER, Jan’s friend

MARGIE WHIPPLE, another friend

(The episode begins with Jan coming home from school. She puts her books and her sweater on the stairs, then walks into the kitchen, where she sees Carol and Marcia.)

Jan: Hi, Mom.

Carol: Hi, honey. How was school today?

Jan: Okay.

Carol: Alice made some of your favorite cookies if you’re hungry.

Jan: Good, I am.

(She pours Jan a glass of milk.)

Marcia: Mmm. Here, this is for you.

(She hands her a letter.)

Jan: Oh. (She reads it) Hey, it’s an invitation to Lucy Whitaker’s birthday party. (Marcia smiles) Who opened it?

Marcia: I did, but it wasn’t my fault. Look at the envelope.

Jan (reading the envelope): Marcia Brady? How come my invitation was addressed to you?

Marcia: I don’t know. Lucy’s your friend, so I called her and checked it out.

Jan: Well, what did she say?

Marcia: Well you know, just one of those things. She made a mistake and put my name instead of yours.

(Jan gets upset and goes in the family room to see Carol, who is collecting clothes for laundry.)

Jan: Mom.

Carol: Yes, honey.

Jan: Did you hear about Lucy Whitaker’s invitation?

Carol: Well, I did hear Marcia calling about it.

Jan (upset): Why does this always happen to me?

Carol: Why does what always happen?

Jan: People are always forgetting who I am. I’m always Marcia’s younger sister or Cindy’s older sister. I’m in the middle, and being in the middle is like being invisible.

Carol: Oh, Jan, I really think you’re making too much out of this. I mean after all, you are the one who was invited to the party.

(Carol leaves.)

Jan (to herself): They won’t even know I’m there. (She starts reading a magazine. there’s a page with many people, the top of the page states Who stands out in a crowd) Jan Brady will, that’s who.

(She puts the magazine down and walks away. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Peter coming into the den to see Mike.)

Peter: Dad, can I talk to you?

Mike (working on a design): Sure Peter, just a minute.

(Mike is still working and Peter starts to whistle. Mike gets a little annoyed. Peter then walks to Mike’s other side and then back.)

Mike (impatiently): Peter, what is it you want?

Peter: Well, I was wondering if I could have an advance on my allowance.

Mike: Advance on your allowance? I just gave you your allowance for this week.

Peter: Well, I was thinking more like an advance on next week’s.

Mike: What happened to this week’s?

Peter: Well, I saw the chance for a really great business deal, so I lent everything I had to Jan, $4.49. At 20% interest.

Mike: What does Jan need all that money for?

Peter: She didn’t say.

Mike: Well, what do you need the money for?

Peter: Well, I was invited to Lucy Whitaker’s party, too. So I guess I better get her a present.

Mike: Well, that’s probably what Jan wanted the money for. How much do you need?

Peter: Mmm. 49 cents.

Mike: 49 cents? Why exactly 49 cents?

Peter: Well, I figure that’s how much she spent on my birthday present, so I don’t want to embarrass her by getting her something too good.

Mike: Well, that’s very considerate, Peter. (He goes in his pocket and takes 50 cents out) Here, you owe me a penny.

Peter: Got it already. (He takes a penny out of his pocket) There.

Mike: Thanks. (Peter looks on Mike’s desk) Good bye, Peter.

(Peter leaves the den. We next see Jan down at the department store.)

Saleswoman (to Jan): Are you looking for someone, dear?

Jan: Oh no, ma’am, I’m looking for a wig.

Saleswoman: You mean for yourself?

Jan: Yes ma’am.

Saleswoman: I think your own hair is nice. I love it. I don’t know why you want to change it.

Jan: I think you’d probably know why if you had two blonde sisters at home.

Saleswoman: Oh, I see the problem. We want a complete change, do we?

Jan: Yes ma’am, that’s what we want.

Saleswoman: Well now, what style wig did you have in mind?

Jan: Oh, I don’t know. Something crazy, kind of like the style you’re wearing.

Saleswoman (laughing weakly): Uh, it’s my own hair.

Jan: I’m sorry.

Saleswoman: Not half as sorry as I am. (She looks in another direction) Well, let’s see what we got here. There’s early rust, Pompeii pumice, lunar dust, here’s no.

(Jan finds another wig.)

Jan: Hey, this one’s kinda nice.

Saleswoman: Oh yes, that’s your midnight temptress. (Jan tries it on) Listen, don’t you think it’s a little, uh, mature?

Jan: Well, I’m older than I look, I’m 12.

Saleswoman (sarcastically): That old. You carry it very well.

Jan (smiling): Thank you. Midnight temptress, huh.

Saleswoman: That’s right.

Jan (taking it off): Well, I don’t think I’ll be up that late. (She hands it back to  the saleswoman) Do you mind if I kinda look around?

Saleswoman: Oh, not at all. And listen, with each and every purchase you get a free Styrofoam head.

(She gives Jan a funny look. Jan notices another wig.)

Jan: Hey, that one’s kinda different.

(She goes off to try it on.)

Saleswoman: Oh, no no no! I wouldn’t recommend that.

Jan: Why not?

Saleswoman: It’s a handbag, and it should be over here. (She puts it where it belongs) Helen, Helen, how many times do I have to tell you never to mix the merchandise Helen, it’s tacky.

Jan: Well, well, I think I’ll keep looking.

Saleswoman (to Helen): It’s embarrassing. A little girl almost walked out of the store wearing this on her head.

(The next scene has Jan coming home with a brunette wig she purchased. She goes into the bathroom to try it on. Meanwhile, Cindy and Marcia are in their room, with Cindy standing on the bottom drawer of their dresser.)

Marcia (laughing): Cindy, what are you looking for?

Cindy: Hair ribbons. I can’t go over to Jenny’s house with out them, or she’ll get mad.

Marcia: Why?

Cindy: Because they’re her hair ribbons. We swapped yesterday.

Marcia: When was the last time you saw them?

Cindy: Last night when I took them off. Hey, maybe they’re in the bathroom.

(She and Marcia head over to the bathroom to look for them. Jan has the door locked while wearing her wig. Cindy knocks on the door.)

Jan: Whoever it is, I’m in here.

Cindy: Jan, let me in. I have to get my hair ribbons.

Jan: Come back later.

(Cindy continues to knock, then Marcia starts knocking.)

Marcia: Come on, Jan, open up! Will you let us in?

(Jan opens the door and hands Cindy the ribbons. She and Marcia grab Jan’s arm to keep the door open and get in. They notice the wig.)

Cindy: Jan, what happened? The top of your head turned black.

Jan: Don’t be silly, it’s a wig.

Marcia: Where did you get that?

Jan: I bought it this morning. What do you think?

Marcia: Jan, I think it looks awful.

Jan: Who asked for your opinion?

(Meanwhile, Carol and Alice are downstairs working on the dress for Jan to wear to the party.)

Carol: Oh, I always liked this dress on Jan. (Alice mumbled something with a pin in her mouth) You too, huh? (Alice mumbles something else) Yeah, I agree. Well, i hope we got it right this time.

(Alice continues to mumble and Mike comes by.)

Mike: Honey, have you seen those blueprints I brought home?

Carol: Alice, have you seen Mr. Brady’s blueprints?  (Alice mumbles again to Carol) She said they’re upstairs in the bedroom.

Mike (surprised): How can you tell what she said?

Carol: Oh, very simple.

Mike (laughing): Women.

Carol: Honey, listen, if you’re going upstairs, could you send Jan down? I want her to try this on again.

(Cut back to the girls room.)

Marcia: Jan, you can’t wear that to Lucy Whitaker’s birthday party.

Jan: I don’t see why not.

Marcia: Because you’ll look like some kind of kook, that’s why.

Jan: You’re just jealous, Marcia.

Cindy: Well I’m not jealous.

Jan: Wait till my friends at the party see me. You know what they’ll say?

Marcia: Mmm hmm. I can think of a lot of things they’ll say.

Jan: Very funny. They’ll say for the first time they’ve seen the real Jan Brady.

Mike (from the hallway): Jan!

Jan: Oh, oh, that’s Dad. I don’t want Mom or Dad to see me before I’m all set.

Marcia: Then you better be ready in a hurry.

Cindy: Yeah.

(Marcia and Cindy get out of the bathroom. Jan tries to hide the wig.)

Mike: Jan.

Jan: Yes, Dad.

Mike: Your mother wants you.

Jan: You mean now?

Mike: Yes.

Jan: Right now?

Mike: That’s what I said, right now.

Jan (putting a towel over her wig): You mean this very minute, now?

Mike (opening the bathroom door): This very minute, now.

Jan: It’s my hair. I can’t do a thing with it.

(The next scene has Greg and Bobby outside playing basketball.)

Bobby: Hey, when’s Peter coming back?

Greg: I don’t know. He went to buy a present for Lucy.

Bobby: I got something I better tell him.

Greg: What?

Bobby: Guess who’s going to be at Lucy Whitaker’s party?

Greg: Who?

Bobby: Margie Whipple, her brother told me.

Greg: The one Peter said is always chasing after him?

Bobby (nodding): Yeah, making those goofy eyes at him and all that mush.

Greg: He’s gonna love seeing her.

Bobby: We better warn him when he gets back.

Greg: Hey, wait a minute. What would happen if we didn’t tell him Margie Whipple was going to be there?

Bobby: Then he wouldn’t know till he got to the party.

Greg: And spend the whole time with Margie chasing after him, get it?

Bobby: That’d be a dirty trick to play on him.

Greg: Uh-huh.

Bobby: Uh-huh.

(Jan goes into the kitchen.)

Jan: You wanted to see me, Mom?

Carol: Jan, I thought you washed your hair yesterday.

Jan: Oh, I did, but, it needed it again.

Carol: Well, come on over here, I want to check the length on this.

Jan: Couldn’t we do it later?

Caro: Jan honey, if you’re going to wear this to the party, we’ve got to do it right now.

Jan: Okay.

Carol: Come on. (she hands it to Alice) Here Alice, you hold it up and I’ll take a look.

Alice (to Jan): Okay, you’re really gonna knock them dead at that party in this dress.

Jan: Thank you.

Alice: Looks great, goes so well with your blonde hair.

Carol: Hold still, Jan. Oh, I think it looks fine, huh.

Alice: Mmm, just right.

(Greg and Bobby come in.)

Greg: Mom, can we have a… (They notice the towel on Jan’s head) Hey, what are you supposed to be, a swami?

Jan: Very funny.

Bobby: What’s a swami?

Greg: It’s like a fortune teller. (They go up to Jan, with Greg using the basketball as a crystal ball) Tell us, swami, what do you see in your crystal ball?

Bobby: Yeah, tell our fortunes.

Jan: Oh, stop that.

Greg: What’s the matter, did you lose your mystic powers?

Bobby: Maybe they’re under her hat.

(He pulls the towel off, exposing Jan’s wig.)

Carol (shocked): Jan! What on earth?

(The boys start laughing.)

Jan (angry): What’s so funny?

Greg: Nothing, if you want to look like Davy Crockett.

Mike (coming into the kitchen): What’s going on in here?

(The boys continue their laughing and ridiculing Jan.)

Bobby: She looks like she’s got a skunk sleeping on top of her head.

Jan (furious): Go away, just leave me alone.

Mike: Greg, Bobby, that’s enough.

Alice (handing Carol the dress): Here, Mrs. Brady. (She goes over to the boys) Come on, guys, I’ll play you a game of two on one.

Jan: I don’t see what’s so funny about my wig.

Mike: Jan, where did you get that?

Jan: I bought it with my own money.

Carol: Why?

Jan: Because I want to wear it. I want to wear it all the time from now on.

Mike: Honey, why?

Jan: I want to be me. I’m tired of looking like everybody else. I want to be Jan Brady.

Carol: But honey, Jan brady has blonde hair.

Jan: Nobody notices that Jan Brady, but they’ll sure notice this Jan Brady.

Mike: Jan, a person doesn’t make himself different just by putting on a wig.

Carol: It’s what’s inside that counts, not the color of your hair.

Jan: Well then, if the color of my hair doesn’t matter, why can’t I be a brunette?

Mike: Well, honey…

Jan: Please, can I wear it? Please, just to Lucy Whitaker’s party?

Carol: Well, if it means so much to you, and if it’s okay with your father. (Mike nods) Okay.

Jan (pleased): Oh, thanks, you’ll see. Things will be different for me as a brunette.

(The scene fades out.)

untitled jan's wig

(The next scene has Jan in there room with Cindy and Marcia, wearing the wig.)

Jan: I bet I’m the hit of Lucy’s party tonight.

Cindy (to Marcia): How do you think Kitty Karry-All would look with black hair?

Marcia: Same as Jan, silly.

Jan: You think you’re so smart, all you’d have to do is take a look at the three of us. Which one do you think people would notice?

Cindy: Me, I’m the shortest.

(Greg and Bobby are in their room with Greg fixing something.)

Greg (to Bobby): Pliers. (Bobby hands him a monkey wrench.) Does this look like pliers?

Peter (entering the room): Hi.

Greg and Bobby: Hi.

(Bobby starts laughing at him.)

Peter: What’s so funny?

Bobby: Nothing.

(Peter goes to wrap a present he bought for Lucy.)

Greg: What are you doing?

Peter: What does it look like I’m doing? I’m going to wrap Lucy Whitaker’s present.

(Bobby starts laughing again.)

Greg: Oh, that’s right, the party’s tonight. That ought to be a lot of fun.

Bobby: Yeah, fun.

(He continues laughing.)

Peter: What’s the matter with him?

Greg: Nothing. He’s just got the giggles.

Peter (suspicious): Okay, something is up. (He gets up and moves toward the boys) What is it?

Greg: Nothing at all.

Peter: Come on, Bobby, you know something. Tell me.

Bobby: No I don’t.

Peter: I’ll tickle you.

Bobby: No!

(They move toward the bed with Peter tickling Bobby.)

Peter: Tell me.

Bobby: No!

Peter: Talk.

Bobby: Quit tickling!

Peter: Not until you tell me!

Bobby: All right, all right, all right! I’ll tell you.

Peter: Okay.

(He stops tickling.)

Bobby: Somebody is going to be at the party.

Peter: Who?

Bobby: Somebody.

Peter (continuing to tickle): Who?

Bobby: Margie, Margie Whipple!

Peter: Oh, no. No.

Greg: You’ll have a great time, Pete.

Peter: Yeah, great, with her chasing me and making dumb faces all night. I’m not going.

Bobby: You gotta go.

Greg: Yeah, you can’t promise to go and take Jan and then not do it. Not unless you were sick or something.

Peter: Yeah, well, just the same, I…

(Peter starts to get an idea.)

Bobby: What’s the matter?

Peter: Boy, am I beginning to feel sick.

(He gets in bed and fakes moaning and groaning. Greg and Bobby get Mike and Carol.)

Greg (to Mike): So I thought you’d better take a look at Peter.

Bobby: Yeah, he doesn’t sound so good.

Greg: He’s kind of moaning.

Bobby: And groaning.

Mike (going up the stairs with them): When did this happen?

Greg: Just a little while ago.

Bobby: All of a sudden.

Carol: Never a dull moment around here.

(Peter gloats at his assumedly fake illness as they enter the room. He pretends to moan.)

Carol: Peter, what’s wrong?

Peter: I don’t know. I just don’t feel so good.

Greg: It kind of hit him all of a sudden.

Bobby: Yeah, like lightning.

Mike (to Greg and Bobby): I think you boys better leave us alone.

Greg; Sure, Dad.

(He and Bobby leave the room.)

Mike: Where does it hurt, Peter?

Peter: Kind of all over. It’s sort of a traveling pain.

Carol: When did it start?

Peter: Just a little while ago. I guess I’ll have to miss Lucy Whitaker’s terrific party.

(Mike and Carol get suspicious.)

Mike: It’s that bad, isn’t it?

Peter: Yeah, I’ll have to miss it all right. Boy, am I unhappy about that.

Mike: Yes, we can see that.

Carol: Mike, don’t you think we better call the doctor?

Mike: Oh, yeah, right away.

Peter (suddenly afraid): Doctor? Well, I’ll be all right. See, I can sit up a little.

Carol: Dear, I really think it’s better if you stay in bed.

Mike: At least for a couple of days.

Peter: But I have a ball game tomorrow!

Carol: Not if you’re sick.

(She sets him back down.)

Peter: Wait, I’ll be all right. I feel much better now.

Carol: I’m sorry Peter, but we can’t take any chances.

Peter: Look. (She jumps off the bed) I’m not sick anymore, see. Can I play in the game tomorrow, please?

Mike: Well, just to make sure you’re okay, Peter, you can take your sister to Lucy Whitaker’s birthday party. If you’re okay after that, then you can play.

Carol: That’s a good idea, Mike. I know Peter would just hate to miss that party.

Peter (sarcastically, to himself): Yeah, I can hardly wait.

(That evening, Peter and Jan are just outside Lucy’s house. Jan is wearing her wig.)

Jan: Come on, Peter. (Peter stalls) What’s the matter with you? You act like you were going to the electric chair.

Peter: It be better than facing that Margie. (Jan rings the doorbell) I think I’ll lock myself in a closet.

Jan: Well, you may not have a good time, but the new Jan Brady is going to be a smash. Now you go in first and sort of announce me. I want to make a big entrance.

(She hides behind a wall as Lucy opens the door.)

Lucy: Oh, hi, Peter.

Peter (giving her a gift): Hi Lucy, happy birthday.

Lucy: Thank you. Margie, Peter’s here!

Peter (bitterly): Did you have to do that?

(Margie comes out and starts holding on to him.)

Margie: Hi, Peter, how are you.

Lucy: Where’s Jan?

Peter: Oh, okay everybody, here’s my sister. The new Jan Brady!

(Jan comes out from behind the wall.)

Jan: Hi there. (Lucy and Margie look at her with great shock. Jan gives a gift to Lucy) Happy Birthday, Lucy. Hi, Margie.

Margie: Hi.

Lucy: Jan, that’s terrific.

Jan: Thanks.

Lucy: That’s the funniest joke you ever played.

(Everybody at the party laughs, much to Jan’s dismay.)

Margie: You really look funny.

Lucy: Hey, that would be great for Halloween!

Jan: Halloween?

Lucy: Yeah, Halloween.

(Everybody laughs and Jan runs away, hurt and embarrassed.)

Lucy (to Peter): What’s the matter with her?

Peter: Lucy, she didn’t mean it to be a joke.

Lucy: You mean she wasn’t kidding?

Peter: No.

(Margie holds on to his arm and smiles. Back at home, Carol and Mike are in the living room watching television. Carol turns off the television in tears.)

Carol: Oh, honey, wasn’t that good?

Mike (looking up from his book): Is it over?

Carol (sternly): Is it over? (She takes his book) You were the one who wanted to watch it.

Mike: Sure, it is one of my favorite shows.

Carol: Oh, I am going to get you.

(She goes to join him on the couch.)

Mike: Ow!

(They hug. Jan comes in upset and with the wig off.)

Carol: Jan.

Jan: Hi, there.

(Carol comes up to her.)

Carol: Honey, what’s the matter?

Jan: They laughed at me. They thought my wig was a joke.

Carol: Oh, sweetheart, I’m sorry.

Jan: Mom, Dad, you were right. I guess I do look like some kind of a freak in this thing.

Mike: Honey, you just don’t look like you.

Carol: Well, Jan, your friends like you just the way you are.

Jan (angry): I sure wasted my money on that thing.

Mike: Oh, well, I’m not so sure. Maybe you learned a valuable lesson very cheaply.

(Peter, Lucy and Margie come in.)

Peter: Why didn’t you wait, Jan? I would’ve walked you home.

Lucy: Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Hi, Lucy.

Mike: Hello girls.

Lucy: Jan, we’re really sorry. We didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. We thought the wig had to be a joke.

Margie: Your own hair is so pretty.

Lucy: We all envy it.

Jan: You do?

Lucy: Will you come back to the party with us, please?

Jan: Well.

Carol: Oh, honey, why don’t you?

Jan: Well, I’d like to, I guess. Okay.

Lucy: Okay.

(She leaves with Lucy while Mike and Carol look on with delight. Peter balks at going.)

Margie: Hey, come on, Peter.

Peter: No chance.

Mike: Hey, Peter, I thought we had an agreement.

Peter (bitterly): Oh yeah, okay, I’ll go.

(He leaves with Margie holding on to him.)

Mike: Yeah, he’s shy. Like father, like son.

Carol: Like heck.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Alice trying on Jan’s wig. Carol and Mike come in from shopping.)

Alice: Uh, ah, I didn’t… Jan gave it to me. What do you think, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: Oh, uh, well, I think it’s, uh, what I mean is it’s, well, what do you think, Mike?

Mike: Uh, uh, well, I think it’s uh, I mean, it’s certainly got a lot of, uh.

Alice: I think I need a third opinion. (She looks in the mirror) Alice, what do you think? It’s unanimous. Oh well, I can always shave it and use it for a shower cap.

untitled another wig pic

                                     THE END


S2 E14 Where There’s Smoke

untitled smoke

Where There’s Smoke Written by David P. Harmon

Greg is caught smoking cigarettes with some of his buddies. Things get worse when a pack is found in his jacket. Hope you enjoy the script.











TOMMY JOHNSON, Greg’s friend

MRS. JOHNSON, Tommy’s mother

JOHNNY AND PHIL, friends of Greg’s

(The episode begins with Greg at his school. He sees his friends Tommy, Johnny and Phil, and goes over to talk to them.)

Greg: Hey, hi, you guys.

Tommy: Hey Greg, come here.

Phil: Tommy says you play a little guitar.

Greg: Yeah, I play a little.

Tommy: Yeah, Johnny, Phil and I got a group together.

Johnny: The Banana Convention.

Greg: Sure, I heard all about you guys.

Tommy (holding a cigarette): Uh, we got a date to play this dance over at Stephen Decatur High School on Saturday night.

Johnny: It’s gonna be a really big show, really big.

Tommy: Yeah, we need an extra guitar for the gig.

Phil: You available?

Greg: To play?

Greg: Oh, sure, I’m available.

Tommy: Of course, we’ll have to get together for a couple of sessions.

Greg: Great. Only my amplifier needs a little work. (Tommy offers Greg a cigarette) Uh, Tommy.

Tommy: Hey man, they’re just plain cigarettes.

(Johnny and Phil nod to him in encouragement.)

Greg: Yeah, sure.

(Johnny lights it for him.)

Johnny: You think you can get your amp ready by Saturday night?

Greg: Oh sure. (He coughs) I hope so.

Tommy: Then it’s a deal, you guys.

Greg: You guys play hard rock, right?

Tommy: Yeah, most of the time.

Phil: But we mix it up with a few slow ballads, you know.

Greg: Ah.

(He continues to cough as Jan and Cindy come by.)

Jan (to Cindy): She’s always trying to make a joke out of it when she goofs off. You know.

(They see Greg smoking and coughing.)

Cindy: Greg’s smoking.

(Jan and Cindy watch in disappointment as Greg continues smoking and coughing. The scene fades away.)

(The next scene has Cindy running into her room up to Jan.)

Cindy: She’s (Marcia) coming up the stairs!

Jan: Now Cindy, let me tell her.

(Marcia appears.)

Marcia: Hi.

Jan: Hi, Marcia. Can we talk about something important?

Cindy: Something real bad.

Jan (sternly): Cindy!

Cindy (defiantly): I didn’t even mention Greg.

Marcia: What about Greg?

Cindy: He was smoking.

Jan (upset): Cindy, that’s the last time I’ll ever trust you.

Marcia: Are you sure about Greg smoking?

Jan (nodding): Cindy and I saw him. He was standing in the park with three other boys, and he was smoking.

Marcia: You’re sure it didn’t just look like he was smoking?

Jan: No, he was smokig.

Cindy: With a real cigarette.

Marcia: What you’re telling m3e is very serious. Now tell me exactly what you saw.

Jan: Well, he was standing there, and he had a cigarette in his hand. And then he put it in his mouth.

Marcia: And then?

Cindy: And then he coughed a lot.

Marcia: He was smoking all right.

Jan: Should we tell Mom and Dad?

Cindy: Yeah, let’s go.

(She starts to run but Jan stops her.)

Marcia: Wait a minute, don’t either of you tell anyone. don’t say a thing until I figure out what we should do.

(Greg is in his room playing guitar and singing while Bobby and peter look in admiration.)

Greg (singing): Clowns never laughed before, beanstalks never grew, ponies never ran before till I met you. Boats never rowed before and artists never drew, snow never fell before till I met you. My dream came true, my dream came true, the world spins, my life begins ’cause I met you. Phones never rang before, wise men never knew, no one ever loved before till I met you.

(Carol is listening downstairs as Mike walks in.)

Mike: Hi, honey.

Carol: Shh, shh.

Mike: first a kiss and then a sh. (He kisses her and then hears Greg.) Hey, he’s got a pretty good voice.

Carol: Yeah, just shows that talent is inherited.

Mike: Hmm, must’ve gotten it from my side of the family.

Carol: Oh!

Mike: I’m going to go up and change.

(Suddenly, they hear a discordant sound of a guitar.)

Carol: Yep, that is your side of the family.

Mike: Sounds like he caught his fingers in the strings.

(Mike and Carol go up the stairs. Mike goes in the boys’ room to inspect the problem.)

Mike: Hey, what’s going on in here.

Greg: He’s been pestering me for an hour so I let him try it.

Bobby: And now I got my fingers caught between the strings.

Mike (loosening his tie): It sounds like it.

(Bobby’s hand finally gets free of the guitar.)

Bobby: Wow, I may never play again.

Greg: Hey Dad, can I speak to you for a minute?

Mike: Yeah, I guess so.

Greg (to Peter and Bobby): This is private, okay guys?

Peter: Okay.

Bobby: What do you mean private?

Greg: I mean you get out.

(He grabs his arm and pushes him out.)

Bobby: Come on, Greg, just a little while longer!

Mike: Good-bye.

(Peter and Bobby leave.)

Mike: Sounds important, is it?

Greg: Yes it is, you ever heard of the Banana Convention?

Mike: Banana Convention, is that the famous meeting in Panama in 18-whenever it was?

Greg: No, it’s a rock group.

Mike (sitting down and laughing): A rock group?

Greg: Yeah, some guys at school. They’re really heavy.

Mike: That doesn’t mean they’re overweight, I take it.

Greg: Right. They want me to play a gig with them Saturday night at Stephen Decatur High. Isn’t that a gas?

Mike: Yeah, that’s a gas. Listen, Greg, this gig, is it for the real thing, for money? For bread?

Greg: Well, we’ll get paid something, I don’t know how much.

Mike: Okay. As far as I’m concerned, it’s all right. I’ll have to check with your mother.

Greg: Great Dad, oh, by the way, can I have an advance on my allowance? I have to have a little work done on my amplifier.

Mike: Well, I guess I might extend you a loan in view of your future earnings.

Greg: Fine. Only…

Mike: Only what?

Greg: How much interest will I have to pay?

Mike: I’m your father, Greg. I’m not going to charge you interest.

Greg: I’m Peter’s brother and I charge him 25%.

Mike: 25%? that is against the law.

Greg: You know that and I know that, but until Peter finds out.

Mike: All right, well, I think with us it will be an interest free loan.

Greg: it’s a deal.

(The next scene has Marcia wandering into the kitchen.)

Alice: Dinner won’t be ready until the biscuits rise.

Marcia: I don’t think I’m very hungry.

Alice: Something on your mind?

Marcia: Uh-huh.

Alice: Can I help? Just girl to girl?

Marcia: Well, it’s not exactly my problem. I mena, well, it’s sort of my friend’s problem.

Alice: Oh, well, uh, those are the toughest kind to solve.

Marcia: This one’s a real beauty.

Alice: Why don’t you give me a hint. Maybe I could, you know, help this friend of yours.

Marcia: Well, this friend, she has a brother, and she’s sort of close to him.

Alice: So far, it’s not a problem.

Marcia: Well, she has it from an absolutely reliable source that her brother has done something wrong. Now, if she tells on him, is it, is it snitching?

Alice: Hmm, There’s a simple way to solve that.

Marcia: There is?

Alice: Yeah. if she tells, is she helping him out of trouble or into trouble.

Marcia: Oh out, definitely out.

Alice: Then my advice is to tell your friend it is not snitching.

Marcia: Oh, thanks, Alice.

(She kisses Alice on the cheek. the next scene has Marcia telling her parents in mike’s den.)

Mike: Honey, if it’s so important, just say it.

Marcia: Honest dad, I want to tell you only it’s not that easy.

Carol: Well, is it something you did?

Marcia: If it was that, I’d tell you in a second.

Mike: Well then, is it something someone else did?

Marcia: Yes, something that Greg did.

Mike: Oh I get it, you don’t want to squeal on your brother, right?

Marcia: Well if I tell, will you promise not to punish him?

Carol: Now Marcia, that wouldn’t be fair to Greg or to us.

Marcia: I guess not.

Mike: Look Marcia, we know you wouldn’t be here unless you thought he was making a very bad mistake or he was hurting someone.

Marcia: Himself, that’s who he was hurting.

Carol: Well, in that case, I definitely think you should tell us.

Marcia: This afternoon after school, Greg was smoking a cigarette. (Carol and Mike look upset) I knew I shouldn’t have told you.

Carol: Honey, listen, you did the right thing in telling us.

Marcia: If I’m so right, how come I feel so terrible?

(She leaves the den. The next scene has Carol and Mike talking to Greg about his misdeed.)

Mike: Is it true, Greg?

Greg: Yeah, I guess it is. But it was the first time I ever smoked. I only took a few puffs. I didn’t even like it.

Carol: That doesn’t make it any better.

Greg: I really didn’t even want the cigarette, I just wanted to go along and be one of the guys.

Mike: Listen, you can’t do something that you know is wrong just to go along with the guys, it’s stupid.

Greg: Yeah, it’s not a very good excuse.

Carol: I’m afraid it’s no excuse.

Mike: Well look, we don’t want you to smoke. Eventually you’ll have to make your own decision and I hope it’s the right one. But for now…

Greg: I’ve blown the chance to play at the dance and get that loan to fix my amp.

Mike: No, I gave you my word on that and I intend to keep it.

Greg: Well, I must have some punishment coming.

Carol: Look Greg, if you know what you did was wrong, I mean, that’s more important than any punishment we can think of.

Greg: I do, Mom, I really do.

Mike: Well, after all, when I was young, I smoked.

Carol: Yes honey, but we didn’t have all the evidence that we do now.

Greg: You’re right, Mom. I promise, no more smoking. I didn’t think about it, I guess I really did a dumb thing.

Mike: Well, we all do dumb things. I’ve done a lot of dumb things. (He starts to laugh) I really did.

Carol: Well, you won’t get an argument form me.

(Next, Carol is in the kitchen discussing the situation with Alice.)

Carol: Well, the trouble is Alice, until some things hit home, you just never do anything about them.

Alice: Ain’t it the truth?

Carol (getting on the phone): Mrs. Johnson has been after me for a month to join her anti-smoking committee. So, I guess now is good a time as any. Hello, Mrs. Johnson? This is Carol Brady. Listen, could you still use some help on that committee?

Mrs. Johnson: We certainly can. we still have a big smoking problem in high school.

Carol: Well you can count me in, when are your meetings?

Mrs. Johnson: Friday afternoons, but this Friday we had to cancel.

Carol: Oh.

Mrs. Johnson: It was going to be at Cynthia Heller’s house, but Cynthia came down with the flu.

Carol: Well, look, Mrs. Johnson, if you need a place to meet, why not my house?

Mrs. Johnson: Oh, that would be wonderful, I’ll… (Her son Tommy starts playing the drums in the background) Excuse me, just a second. Tommy, would you please wait until I’m off the phone! (getting back to Carol) I’m sorry, my son was practicing.

Carol: Oh, that’s okay, Greg told me he’s joining Tommy’s group. He says they’re far out and really heavy.

Mrs. Johnson: My son said they really know where they’re heads are at.

Carol: Well, right on, man. (She puts her thumb up) I’ll see you Friday.

Mrs. Johnson: Oh, maybe I should drop by and leave you some reading material and some pamphlets. Tomorrow afternoon okay?

Carol: Fine. Bye, now.

(She hangs up.)

Alice: Will tea and cakes be enough for your meeting?

Carol: Sure, Alice, that will be fine.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, those women on the anti-smoking committee. Tell them I’ll be watching.

Carol: Watching?

Alice: if I find one dirty ashtray…

(Carol laughs. Greg is upstairs in his room, listening to his song on the recorder. Marcia comes in to speak to him.)

Marcia: Greg.

Greg: Oh, hi.

Marcia: Can we talk?

Greg: Sure. (He turns the music off) Come on in. (she shuts the door an dlooks at him upset) is something wrong?

Marcia: I did a terrible thing.

Greg: Well, if you did it, it can’t be all that bad.

Marcia: You’d think it was just awful.

Greg: Well, no matter what I think, you can count on me to help.

Marcia: That only makes me feel worse! You see, this terrible thing I did, I did to you.

Greg: well, then, how come I don’t know about it?

Marcia: You know about it, all right. I snitched to the folks about your smoking.

Greg (upset): Thanks a lot, Marcia.

Marcia: You’ll probably never want to talk to me again.

(She starts to walk out of the room.)

Greg (getting up): hey, hey, hold it.

Marcia: Then you’re not mad?

Greg: Well, sure I’m mad. But not so much about the snitching. Why didn’t you come to me first?

Marcia: You just would have said to mind my own business.

Greg: Yep, that’s what I would’ve said, all right.

Marcia: I only did it because I thought it was for your own good.

Greg: I know.

Marcia: Did the folks punish you bad?

Greg: No, no, they didn’t punish me at all.

Marcia (surprised); they didn’t?

Greg: Well, don’t sound so disappointed.

Marcia: Boy, if I’d been in their place, I would’ve given it to you good.

Greg: I guess I was lucky I was born when I was.

Marcia: What do you mean?

Greg: Well, if I’d been born any later, you could’ve been my mother instead of my sister.

(Marcia laughs. Mrs. Johnson shows up to give Carol some anti-smoking magazines and pamphlets. There is one that says Smoking is very glamorous.)

Carol: Well, I’ll certainly read all these pamphlets, Mrs. Johnson.

Mrs. Johnson: And maybe you can help us think of a new campaign angle. Straight lectures really turn these kids off.

Carol: yeah, I’ll bet.

(As Mrs. Johnson is ready to leave, Greg comes home.)

Greg: Hi, mom.

Carol: Oh, hi, Greg.

Greg: Hi, Mrs. Johnson.

Mrs. Johnson: Hello Greg. have you by any chance seen my son?

Greg (taking his jacket off): Yeah, I left Tommy about 10 minutes ago. H said he was on his way home.

Mrs. Johnson: Oh good, I have to take him to the dentist.

Carol: oh, dear.

(They both laugh. Greg throws his jacket on a chair.)

Carol: Greg, the chair is to sit on and the jacket goes in the closet.

Greg: Right.

(Greg picks up his jacket to hang it up but a pack of cigarettes fall out.)

Carol (shocked): Greg.

(The scene fades. the next scene has Carol picking them up.)

untitled greg is caught

Carol: Well Greg?

Greg: Mom, they’re not mine.

Mrs. Johnson: They fell out of your pocket, Greg.

Greg: Yes ma’am.

Carol: Were you keeping them for someone else?

Greg: No.

Carol: Well then, how did they get there?

Greg: I don’t know. but they’re not mine. Honest, Mom.

Carol:All right Greg, if you say so.

Mrs. Johnson (astonished): Mrs. Brady, I can understand you wanting to believe your own son.

Carol: He said they weren’t his.

Mrs. Johnson: If parents refuse to open their eyes, you are doing what our committee is trying to prevent.

Carol: Mrs. Johnson, maybe, maybe I’m the wrong person for your committee.

Mrs. Johnson: You know I want to work with you. But if you cannot accept the fact that your own son…

Greg: Mrs. Johnson, I told you they’re not mine.

Carol: That’s what he said.

Mrs. Johnson: I’m sorry Mrs. Brady, I really am.

(Mrs. Johnson leaves. Carol and Greg go in the living room to discuss the situation.)

Greg: Do you really believe me, Mom?

Carol: Yes.

Greg: Because I’m your son or you think I’m telling the truth?

Carol: Because I think you’re telling the truth.

Greg: If I was in your place, I’m not sure I’d believe me.

Carol: Well, Greg, someday when you’re a parent, maybe you’ll see things differently.

Greg: I wonder if Dad will believe me.

(Greg is in Mike’s den.)

Mike: Yes, I believe you.

Greg: okay Dad, thanks.

(He starts to walk away. Mike gets up.)

Mike: Greg, wait a minute. Okay, what’s bugging you?

Greg: How those cigarettes got there.

Mike: Yeah, well, that isn’t all, is it?

Greg: Nope.

(He sits down.)

Mike: Well, we got a rule in this family, (Mike and Greg both) Lay it on the table. (Mike) That’s right.

Greg: All right, I get caught with something that look pretty bad, and neither you or Mom think I’m guilty.

Mike: Well, so.

Greg: So how can you be so sure?

Mike: Greg, from time to time you’ve done things I haven’t liked very much, but so far you haven’t lied to me.

Greg: No sir, I never have.

Mike: Well, I don’t see any reason to think this is the first time. I’ll admit I can’t quite figure out how that pack got in your pocket.

Greg: Neither can I. I’m going to prove you and Mom were right for trusting me. I’m going to find out how those cigarettes got there.

(The next day, Greg is coming home from school and Bobby stops to ask him a question.)

Bobby: Greg, Greg. Wait a miute. I think i got it all figured out, about the cigarettes.

Greg: Yeah?

Bobby: Do you have any enemies?

Greg: Enemies? Yeah, I guess so. Everybody’s got enemies.

Bobby: That’s it. They’re trying to rub you out.

Greg: Rub me out? Oh, come on, that’s dumb.

Bobby: I mean get you kicked off the basketball team.

Greg: I’m not on the basketball team!

Bobby: Oh.

(Greg goes inswide the house and follows. Next, he’s in the family room, still pondering over the cigarettes.)

Greg: There’s got to be an explanation. I’ve been thinking about this so hard my head is about to pop. There’s got to be an explanation how they got there.

(Cindy raises her hand.)

Greg: Yeah, Cindy?

Cindy: Maybe it was magic.

(Greg makes a disgusted look. That evening, the boys are in bed. Peter suddenly wakes up and turns the lamp on.)

Peter: I got it! I got it!

Greg: What?

Peter: The pack of cigarettes, did you loo inside?

Greg: No, why?

Peter: I bet it had a secret microfilm in it. (Greg groans and goes back to bed) They always have it in all the spy movies.

(Greg throws his pillow at him.)

Bobby: Now down to me, Pete.

(Peter throws the pillow at Bobby and he sleeps with two pillows. Greg goes to sleep without one.)

(The next day, Greg is in the kitchen with Alice. he is further discussing the matter.)

Greg: I just don’t get it. I’ll bet I was up half the night trying to figure out how those cigarettes got in my pocket.

Alice: Well if you ask me, you’re going about this the wrong way.

Greg: I am?

Alice: Yep, what you got to do is try to reconstruct the crime.

Greg: Yeah?

Alice: Yeah, it’s the only way. I watch a lot of television.

Greg: Okay, reconstruct the crime.

Alice: Okay, now, let’s start with the first thing you did that day.

Greg: I rode my bike to school.

Alice: Uh huh.

Greg: I put my jacket in my locker and went to all my classes.

Alice: Did you loan your locker key to anybody?

Greg: No.

Alice: Does anybody else have a key to your locker?

Greg: The boys’ vice-principal has a master key.

Alice: Well, we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. What did you do after school?

Greg: I went to practice with the group for the dance.

Alice: Ah, now we’re getting someplace.

Greg: Alice, there was no one there but the guys in the group. they wouldn’t do that to me.

Alice: So after practice you stopped at the malt shop, right.

Greg: Right.

Alice: Okay, you hung up your jacket, you got yourself a (Pause) Oh, forget that.

Greg: Huh?

Alice: You never hang up anything.

Greg (discouraged): It’s no use, Alice. All the evidence points to me, even if I’m not guilty.

Alice: Well, sometimes evidence just looks like real evidence when it’s really circumstantial. Or partially circumstantial and thereby being unsupported or hearsay.

Greg: What does that mean?

Alice: I don’t know but it saved some guy’s life last night on TV.

Greg: Thanks, anyway. I guess I’ll go to my room.

(He leaves his jacket on the chair.)

Alice: Hey, wait a minute. Hang up your jacket. (She checks it over) On second thought, don’t hang it up.

Greg: Why not?

Alice: It’s not your jacket.

Greg: What do you mean?

Alice: You ripped the lining on the handlebars last month. I remember, I sewed it up.

Greg: This one’s never been mended.

Alice: So whoever this jacket’s is, the cigarettes are his too.

Greg (pleased): Alice, you’re a genius.

Alice: Well, genius no, chief of detectives, maybe.

(The doorbell rings.)

Greg: Thanks, Alice, I’ll get it.

(Greg answers the door and it’s his friend Tommy.)

Tommy: Hi Greg.

Greg: Oh hi, come on in.

Tommy (pointing to his jacket): Oh, there it is. I got yours by mistake.

Greg: This one’s yours?

Tommy: Yeah, I found a test paper of yours in the pocket here, so I knew it was yours.

Greg: Guess what I found in yours.

Tommy: What’s that?

Greg: A pack of cigarettes.

Tommy: Oh, wow, I’m sure glad my Mom didn’t find out.

Greg: My Mom did.

Tommy: Well, listen, my Mom’s out in the car waiting for me. Let me have my jacket now and hey, we’ll straighten this out later.

Greg: No, we’ll straighten it out now. (He has Tommy come in the living room with him) Mom, Dad!

Tommy: Look, hey, all I want is my jacket.

Greg: Yeah, not until you tell my parents.

Tommy: Tell them what?

Greg: The cigarettes are yours and not mine.

(Mike and Carol come out.)

Carol: Oh, hi, Tommy.

Mike: Hello, Tommy. How are you?

Tommy: Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.

Greg (to Tommy): Well, tell them.

Mike: Tell us. Tell us what?

Tommy: The cigarettes weren’t Greg’s They’re mine.

Greg: Our jackets got mixed up.

Carol: Well, that explains a lot.

Tommy: Mr. and Mrs. brady, do we have to tell my mother about this?

Mike: Well, Tommy, what do you think?

Tommy: If you knew how mad she’d get, you’d try to think of something else.

Carol: Well, do you think that’s fair to Greg?

Tommy: No, but my mom can’t punish him.

Greg: I don’t want to get Tommy into trouble, couldn’t we just forget about it.

Mike: Do you think we should forget about it?

(Mrs. Johnson comes in.)

Mrs. Johnson: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. brady, I just came to see what was keeping Tommy so long. We’ve got to pick up Mr. Johnson at the airport.

Tommy: Just a minute, Mom.

Mrs. Johnson: Listen, if your father has to wait, he will be very upset.

Tommy: I’m afraid he’s going to be very upset anyway. The cigarettes were mine.

Mrs. Johnson: Cigarettes? what cigarettes?

Tommy: The ones you thought were Greg’s. See, we switched jackets by mistake.

Mrs. Johnson: Oh, I see. I certainly owe Greg an apology. I’m really very sorry.

Greg: Yes, ma’am.

Mike: Well, if I were waiting at a crowded airport…

Carol: Mrs. Johnson, how about next Friday.

Mrs. Johnson: yes, next Friday.

Tommy: Mom, can we talk about before we pick up Dad?

Mrs. Johnson: I expect we will talk about it before and after we pick up your father. Now, come along, tommy.

(She grabs his arm as they leave.)

Greg: Good luck, Tommy.

Tommy: Yeah, I’m sure gonna need it. See you.

(They leave.)

Greg (to the parents); I’m sure glad that’s over, I’m gonna go tell Marcia.

Carol: Not yet.

Greg: What’s wrong?

Mike: Looks like you’re back in trouble.

Greg: What did I do now?

(Carol points to his jacket, which he left on the couch.)

Carol: Hang it up.

(Greg picks it up and checks it again)

Mike: What’s wrong?

Greg: Oh nothing. I just wanted to make sure it was mine.

(The scene fades. The final scene has Greg coming home from the dance and talking to Mike and Carol. He knocks on their bedroom door.)

Mike: Come in.

Greg: I’m home.

Carol: Hi, honey. How did your group do at the dance tonight?

Greg: It was kind of a kicky blast. The guys really had it together and wailed and bent the gig out of shape. Good night.

Carol: Good night.

Mike: Got it all together and really wailed? (He starts laughing) How about that?

Carol: Really bent the gig out of shape. I wonder if that’s good or bad.

Mike: Beats me.

Carol: It’s funny, kids have  a language of their own.

Mike: Yeah, so do we.

Carol: We do?

Mike: Mmm hmm. I’ll show you. Ours?

Carol: Listen, I hear you talking and I dig what you’re saying, man.

      THE END

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