S2E3 The Slumber Caper

untitled slumber caper

The Slumber Caper

Written by Tam Spiva

Marcia is accused of something she didn’t do, landing her in a week’s detention and jeopardizing her upcoming slumber party. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

MR. RANDOPH, Marcia’s principal

JENNY, Marcia’s friend

PAULA, Marcia’s other friend

RUTHIE, another friend

KAREN, another friend

The episode begins with the girls standing outside the den where Mike and Carol are having a discussion over Marcia’s request to throw a slumber party. Bobby is at the top of the staircase spying on them while they wait patiently for an answer. We cut into the den

Carol: It’s part of growing up for a girl.

Mike: Jan and Cindy on this too?

Carol: Well, it wouldn’t be fair to leave them out.

(Back outside, the girls are still anxious to hear the answer. Alice comes around.)

Alice: Any word?

Jan: Not yet.

(Back in the den, Mike agrees to the party.)

Mike (nodding): Let’s go ahead with it. If Rome can outlast an invasion by the Barbarians, what can a few little girls do to the Brady house?

(Carol comes out to tell the girls.)

Marcia: Well, Mom?

Carol: Yes. Marcia, you can have your slumber party.

(She and the girls get excited as the scene fades out.)

(The next scene has Mike coming into the kitchen telling Alice the news.)

Mike: Hey Alice, did you hear? We’re going to have a slumber party.

(He goes into the refrigerator and gets no response from Alice.)

Mike: Said we’re gonna have a slumber party.

Alice: I heard.

Mike: What’s the matter?

Alice: I just thought I’d do something useful for the party like nailing down the furniture.

Mike (laughing): Alice, it’s just a few little girls. It can’t be that bad.

Alice: Mr. Brady, have you ever been to a slumber party?

Mike: No, can’t say that I have.

Alice: Well I have, and one thing is certain.

Mike: Mmm, what’s that.

Alice: Nobody, nobody slumbers.

(Mike laughs, then puts on a serious face.)

(Next, the boys are outside dismayed over the party.)

Greg: We’re gonna be invaded by girls.

Bobby (hanging upside down on the swing set): Will there be a lot of them?

Peter: Won’t matter how many, it will seem like a million.

Greg: They won’t do anything but giggle all night long.

Peter: You know, I bet you Marcia invites that Paula Tardy, boy is she hung up on you.

Greg: That’s a disgusting thought. I’ll probably have to hide all night.

Bobby: Maybe I’ll have to hide too, somebody might be hung up on me.

Mike (coming outside): Hey, fellas. Come on, I could use a little help.

Greg: What’s up, Dad?

Mike: I want to get the sleeping bags out of the storage room I the garage and air them out. Come on.

Greg: Are we going camping?

Peter: Like maybe Saturday night when all the girls are here?

Mike: No, sorry fellas, no such luck.

Greg: Why the sleeping bags?

Mike: Well, for the slumber party. We can’t put all the girls up there in the girls room, they’d be packed in like sardines.

Bobby: Are they gonna sleep out in the backyard?

Mike: No, they’re gonna sleep in the living room, in the sleeping bags.

Greg (protesting): In our sleeping bags.

Peter: They’ll get them all full of perfume.

Bobby: We’ll all stink.

Mike: Ah, that’ll be enough of that. Now come on, help me.

(Inside, the girls are going over what to serve at the party with Carol and Alice.)

Marcia: Let’s have hot dogs.

Carol: Good idea.

Jan: Why not hamburgers?

Carol: No, hot dogs are easier.

Alice (looking up): Hot dogs.

Cindy: How about jelly beans?

Jan: With mustard and relish.

Marcia: And lots of pickles too.

Alice (writing): Mus, rel, pick.

Cindy: And jelly beans.

Alice: And one bag of jelly beans.

Cindy: Thanks, Alice.

Carol: Listen, you kids better get your books. You’re going to be late for school

Jan: Okay.

Cindy: Bye, Mommy.

Marcia: Mom, remember what you and Dad promised.

Carol: I remember.

(Marcia walks away and Mike walks in.)

Mike (sitting down): What did Dad promise?

Carol: Oh, well, it was kind of what I promised for both of us.

Mike: Oh, yeah.

Carol: That, we leave the girls alone. We wouldn’t hang around the party.

Mike: Well, uh, what should we do? (He mocks a British accent) Spend a quiet evening in the garage.

Carol: Oh, Mike.

Mike: Could patch a few old tires.

Carol: Oh, no, I have a much better idea for us.

Mike: Uh oh, what?

Carol: Would you like a little hint?

Mike: Uh huh.

Carol: Well, uh, dinner for two, candlelight, soft music, dancing.

Mike: You’re a great hinter. You know that?

Carol: Mmm, hmm.

Mike: That sounds good. That is, if Alice doesn’t mind holding down the fort while we’re gone.

Alice: Oh, I don’t mind holding down the fort. Just bear in mind that those were the last words of General Custer.

(Next, the girls are upstairs with Marcia making out the invite list.)

Marcia: Now, let’s see, I’ve already invited Jenny Wilton, my best friend, and Paula Tardy from my English class. Now, who else?

Cindy: What do you do at a slumber party?

Marcia: Well, you play games and you talk about boys. And you talk about boys and you play games.

Cindy: What are the games about?

Jan (gleefully): Boys.

Cindy: Boys? Who likes boys.

(Greg goes into his room with an announcement to Peter and Bobby.)

Greg (excited): I got it, oh boy, have I got an idea! Are we gonna have fun at that slumber party.

Peter: You’ve got to be kidding.

Bobby: I’m not going around any of those girls.

Greg: Now, listen to me you guys, now listen. We’re gonna pull tricks on them. Get it?

Bobby: Tricks?

Greg: Yeah, you know, scare them. jokes.

Peter: Yeah!

Bobby: Yeah!

Greg: Now, we oughtta think of some really good stuff.

Bobby: Like rubber spiders?

Greg: That’s a good start.

Peter: A scary mask, spooky noisemakers and one of those plastic skeletons.

Greg: Yeah, yeah! That’s good! Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. I got it. Oh, boy, isn’t this beautiful?

Peter and Bobby: What?

Greg: Itching powder in the sleeping bags1

Peter and Bobby: Yeah!

(Greg leaves the room as we move into the next scene, which has Mike and Carol unsatisfyingly inspecting the sleeping bags.)

Carol: Well, I know the boys aired these out, Mike, but they still seem a little dusty to me.

Mike: Yeah, well, I got them to do it this morning. I guess they didn’t have too much enthusiasm for the job.

Carol: Well, maybe we ought to hang them up and beat them.

Mike: The sleeping bags or the boys?

Carol (laughing): Oh, Mike. Well look, I better go check the food for the party.

Mike: Hey, is all that just for the girls? Woo, I thought we were starting a supply depot for the eighth party.

Greg (coming out): Hey, Mom and Dad.

Mike: Listen, Gregory, your mother’s not too happy with the job you guys did on the sleeping bags.

Carol: Yeah, I think they need a little more freshening up.

Mike: It’s not going to take too much time, all…

Greg: Sure, we’d be glad to.

Mike: Huh?

Greg: We’ll do anything Mom wants us to.

Mike (disbelieving): You will?

Carol: Thank you, Greg.

Greg: No trouble. I’ll go get the guys.

(He leaves.)

Carol: I thought you said they weren’t too enthusiastic.

Mike: That’s funny, that’s what I thought I said too.

(The next scene has Marcia in school. She is in the office with the principal, Mr. Randolph.)

Randolph (looking at a piece of paper): Mrs. Denton found this when she was tidying up the desks in her room. Please take a look at it.

(He hands Marcia the paper.)

Marcia (reading): Mrs. Denton or a hippopotamus?

Randolph: Is that your handwriting in your class?

Marcia: Yes, sir.

Randolph: Did you draw the picture?

Marcia: Yes, sir. But that’s not Mrs. Denton. It’s George Washington.

(Randolph takes another look at the paper.)

Randolph: George Washington?

Marcia: There’s a picture of him on the wall and I was copying it.

Randolph: And what about Mrs. Denton’s name and that remark?

Marcia: I didn’t write her name, or that remark.

Randolph: Marcia, I think you better explain.

Marcia: But I can’t! I mean, well, I finished my classwork a little early and I was doodling, and my name happened to be on the paper. I doodled George Washington, I didn’t doodle Mrs. Denton.

Randolph (looking again at the paper): It doesn’t look much like George Washington.

Marcia: I guess I’m not a very good artist.

Randolph: You expect me to believe this is your paper, your name and your drawing, but you didn’t write her name, or that remark?

Marcia: That’s right, Mr. Randolph.

Randolph: Marcia, I’d like to believe you, you’ve always been a good student. But what you’re saying doesn’t sound logical.

Marcia: But I didn’t do it.

Randolph: This sort of thing has happened before, too often. Not just you, but the other students.

Marcia; But Mr. Randolph!

Randolph: I’m afraid you’re going to have to be the example. You’ll have to stay after school one hour every day for a week. (Marcia stands there, looking dejected.) That’s all, Marcia. Except, because you’ll be staying after school, I’ll have to notify your parents.

(Marcia turns to leave and Mr. Randolph gets on the phone as we move into the next scene, where Marcia is in the family room with Mike and Carol.)

Carol: As much as we hate to do it Marcia, I’m afraid you can’t have your slumber party.

Marcia: My party?

Carol: Honey, that drawing might have seemed funny at the time, but you just must have respect for your teachers.

Marcia (upset): But I didn’t do it! I didn’t write Mrs. Denton’s name on it, or that stupid remark.

Carol: Your principal said you did honey, and he’s a very responsible man. He wouldn’t punish you for nothing.

Marcia: You mean, you’d rather believe him than me.

Mike: Marcia, from what you said, that paper was in your desk and had your name on it. Well, what else could Mr. Randolph think?

Marcia: You don’t believe me, either, and if you don’t, I don’t want a party, or anything ever from you!

(She goes away crying as the scene fades out.)

(The next scene has Mike and Carol discussing the situation that evening in their room.)

Mike: It’s not like her, honey, I’ve never seen Marcia so adamant.

Carol: That’s one thing about Marcia, when she’s wrong, she admits it.

Mike: And the slumber party isn’t the big problem. It’s the fact that we don’t believe her.

Carol: Mike, you think Mr. Randolph could be mistaking?

Mike: Well, there’s one way to find out.

(Mike is down at Marcia’s school in conference with Mr. Randolph.)

Mike: Well, I can’t vouch for the drawing or what’s written underneath it, but, there’s no doubt about the class and the name. It’s Marcia’s handwriting all right.

Randolph: There was only one conclusion I could reach, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Oh, yes, of course. It’s just that Marcia was so upset, I felt I had to speak to you.

Randolph: I understand. Marcia’s always been an excellent student but, well, we do have to preserve discipline.

Mike: Oh, yes, my wife and I certainly agree with you on that. (He gets up) Well, thanks for your time, Mr. Randolph.

(They shake hands.)

Randolph: Not at all. I only wish more parents would take the time to get involved.

Mike: By the way, would you mind if I kept that (the drawing)?

Randolph: Oh, of course not.

Mike: Thanks. (He looks at the picture.) Oh, Mr. Randolph, does Mrs. Denton really look like that?

Randolph: Unfortunately, yes.

(Back at home, Mike and Carol are in the den looking over the drawing and come to a conclusion.)

Carol: It could be George Washington.

Mike: Well of course it could. You know, she admits she drew the picture but anybody could have done the printing.

Carol: Mike, what do you think?

Mike: Honey, I think an understandable mistake has been made and we ought to take Marcia’s word for it.

Carol: Well I think we should too.

Mike: Of course, this is just our judgment. There’s no way to prove it to Mr. Randolph.

Carol (dismayed): I know. (Pause.) What about the slumber party?

Mike: So far as I’m concerned, the punishment at home is off. Let’s have the party.

Carol: Good! I’ll tell her.

Mike: And I’ll tell General Custer to get her boots.

(Carol goes up to the girls room to tell Marcia the news.)

Carol: Marcia.

Marcia: Yes?

Carol: Your father and I just had a little talk. Now, we don’t know exactly what happened at school, but we think there’s been a mistake. We believe what you said about the picture.

Marcia (looking up): Thanks, Mom.

Carol: Well, you still have to go through your punishment at school, but the slumber party is on again.

(She and the girls cheer and hug Carol, also thank her for the party.)

(Cut to the boys’ room, where they overhear the girls happiness.)

Greg (to Peter and Bobby): I wonder what’s up.

(Mike knocks on the door and comes in.)

Mike: Hey fellas, I just thought you’d like to know the slumber party’s on again.

Peter: It is?

Bobby: Hooray!

Mike: Well, I never expected that reaction.

Peter: Well, we’re kinda looking forward to it.

Bobby: Yeah.

Mike (suspicious): Oh, you are.

Greg: They mean they’re looking forward to the girls having a good time.

Mike: Oh yeah, well, that’s very nice of you. Greg, all you boys.

Peter: We’ll be glad to do anything to help the party along.

Bobby: Yeah, anything.

(She starts to laugh.)

Mike: What’s so funny?

Bobby: Nothing, nothing.

Peter: That dumb dodo laughs at anything.

Greg: Yeah, he’s got a really weird sense of humor.

Mike: Okay.

(He turns around and walks away, before turning around at them, again and shutting the door. Greg hits Bobby with the pillow.)

(Back to the girls’ room, where they are talking.)

Jan (to Marcia): Aren’t you happy?

Marcia: About the party? Yes, and Mom and Dad believing me. But I still have to stay after school for something I didn’t do.

Cindy: I wonder who did it.

Marcia: I’ve been thinking about that. I’ve got English next to last period in the afternoon. So I figured whoever used my desk for the last period might be the one.

Jan: Yeah, that’s the only one it could be.

Cindy: Do you know who it is?

Marcia (angrily): Jenny Wilton.

Jan: Jenny Wilton? She’s your best friend.

Marcia: She was my best friend.

Jan: What are you going to do?

Marcia: I’ll show you.

(She and the girls are downstairs, with Marcia on the phone to Jenny.)

Jenny (picking up the phone): Hello?

Marcia: Hello Jenny, this is Marcia. I called about the slumber party I’m having tomorrow night.

Jenny: I can hardly wait.

Marcia (bitterly): Well, it’s only for my friends!

Jenny: Sure, I’m your friend, Marcia.

Marcia: Not anymore you’re not, so consider yourself uninvited!

(She slams the phone down.)

Jenny: Marcia! Marcia!

(Jenny gives a shocked, devastated look while we cut back to the house, where Jan and Cindy nod their approval to Marcia.)

(The next scene has the party in progress, Marcia brings out some popcorn and drops it, causing the other girls to laugh and scream, with Alice looking on. Carol and Mike start to leave.)

Alice (to Carol and Mike): Now, you two just run along , have a good time at dinner, remember, you put the cavalry in charge.

Carol: Well, hang on to your saddle, Alice.

Mike: Hey, where are the boys?

Carol: They’re in their room studying.

Mike: Studying on Saturday night? Maybe we ought to take their temperatures.

Carol: Oh, come on, Mike. (She takes his hand.) Good luck, Alice.

Alice: I don’t need luck Mrs. Brady, just a short course in riot control. You two run along.

(Next, the girls are all laughing and giggling when Marcia’s friend, Karen, comes up with a new game.)

Karen: Hey you guys, let’s play ha.

Jan: Yeah, you go first.

(They start to warm up.)

Karen: Everybody ready.

(They all agree and rest their heads on each other’s laps and laugh. Marcia gets up and accidentally crushes a piece of popcorn with her foot.)

Marcia: You guys! Let’s play another game.

(They agree.)

Ruthie: How about truth or dare.

Karen: Yeah, let’s play that.

Marcia: Okay, I’ll go first. Paula, you’re the one. Who’s the cutest boy you know? Truth or dare?

Paula (giggling): Greg Brady. (all the girls laugh.) Now it’s my turn to ask, and (looking around the room) . Ruthie, you’re the one. Truth or dare, have you ever been kidded by Hank Coleman?

(The girls laugh.)

Ruthie: Well, I’ll take the dare?

Paula: All right, youuuu, have to go upstairs and see what Marcia’s brothers are doing.

(The girls all laugh out loud.)

Ruthie (getting up): Karen, will you come with me, please?

Karen: Not me.

Marcia: I will.

(Marcia gets up to join her up the stairs. As they do, Greg comes out with a horror mask and scares them.)

Ruthie: It looked like a monster!

Marcia: I think it was Greg!

(Alice comes out with a tray full of hot dogs.)

Alice: Hot dogs, anyone?

(All the girls scream as they rush over to get one. Karen goes to put one in a sleeping bag and notices a spider.)

Karen (screaming): A spider! A big hairy spider!

(They all come running over with Alice.)

Alice: Wait, wait, let me get in here, kids. Let me in. (She picks it up and finds it’s fake.) Oh. (She laughs.) Looks like there’s more than one tribe on the warpath.

Marcia: My brothers.

Jan: Those dumdums, all right.

Alice: Hey, I forgot the potato salad.

(She runs to the kitchen and puts the spider on the counter. she opens the refrigerator and screams and shuts it. She reopens it and there’s a skeleton with glowing eyes.)

Marcia (coming out with Jan and Cindy): What happened?

Alice: Nothing, I just lost my head. (She laughs.) Or found somebody’s head. I’ll be right in.

(The girls shrug and go back to the living room. Alice opens the refrigerator again and the skeleton’s eyes click on and off again.)

Peter (coming from the family room): Sorry about that, Alice.

(She gives a hand gesture and breathes relief. Peter smiles and goes back to the family room. Next, he and the boys are dressed in their masks and ghost costumes. Bobby goes to report what the girls are up to.)

Greg: What’s happening now?

Bobby: They’re getting ready to turn the lights off and tell ghost stories.

Greg: Okay, this is it. the real action now.

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Peter and Bobby: Yeah, yeah.

(Next, Alice comes out with more hot dogs.)

Alice: The last call for hot dogs.

Girls: No, thanks.

Alice: Okay. Now, if the werewolf howls and if the vampire starts flapping his wings, don’t come running to me. I’ll be under the kitchen table.

(Marcia turns the lights out as Jan starts to tell the girls a story.)

Jan: Okay, okay guys, now listen.

(The boys come out of the family room in their masks and costumes.)

Alice: Hey, any of you monsters want a hot dog?

(They each take one.)

Greg: Thanks, Alice.

Peter: Thanks, Alice.

Bobby: Thanks, Alice.

(They go out through the kitchen door and Alice shut sit behind them. Cut back to the living room, where Jan is telling her story.)

Jan: Slowly she started down the hall. Spiderwebs everywhere. Then she came to the door, the door to the room where she had been forbidden to go. Slowly she opened the door.

(Bobby howls from outside as Jan continues the story.)

Paula: What was that?

(The frightened girls go inside the sleeping bags.)

Cindy: I’m so scared, I’m getting itchy all over.

Jan: I’m itchy, too.

Karen: So am I.

Jan: Oh, it’s terrible.

(All the girls are itching while Marcia turns the lights back on.)

Maria: I bet you it was my brothers again.

Jan: Yeah, Alice!

(Alice comes out and assumes the girls are dancing.)

Alice: That’s a crazy new dance you’re doing, why don’t you put on some music.

Marcia: No Alice, itching powder in the sleeping bags.

Alice: Oh, my, well look, we’ll try and wash it off. Everybody upstairs. Come on, hurry up, in the shower, come on, kids.

Marcia (to Paula): my brothers are doing to regret this.

Paula: It itches, but it’s kinda funny. I like jokes. What about the one we pulled on Mrs. Denton.

Marcia: We?

Paula: Yeah, you drew the picture and I wrote the funny line. You know, about the hippo.

Marcia: You did that?

Paula: Yeah, didn’t you think it was funny?

Marcia: Funny? I got punished for that.

Paula: Punished? You did?

Marcia: Yeah, I have to stay after a whole week now, I almost didn’t have this party because of what you wrote.

Paula: Gee Marcia, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for anybody to see that but you.

Marcia: Well they did all right. Mrs. Denton found it and turned it in to the principal.

Paula: I didn’t know that. Would it help if I went to Mr. Randolph and explained?

Marcia: That’d be great.

Paula: Gee, Marcia, I just, I just can’t stand this itching anymore.

(Paula runs upstairs as Carol and Mike return home.)

Carol: Hi honey.

Mike: Hey, where is everybody?

Marcia: Upstairs itching. I mean, washing off the itching powder. (She moves up closer to them) Mom, Dad, I’ve done something just awful.

Carol: What?

Marcia: I blamed Jenny Wilton for writing on my picture, the one that got me in trouble. I told her she wasn’t my friend anymore, and I uninvited her to my party.

Mike: And Jenny didn’t do it.

Marcia: Mmm mmm, it was Paula. only she didn’t mean any harm, she just meant for me to see it.

Carol: Well, dear, it seems to me that you and Jenny got a taste of the same medicine.

(Marcia nods.)

Mike: You were blamed for something because somebody didn’t have all the facts. You turned around and did the same thing to Jenny.

Marcia: I feel awful, what can I do?

Carol: Well look dear, it’s still early, why don’t you call Jenny and invite her over to the party.

Marcia: I sure will, I’ll give her the biggest apology I know how.

(Next, Carol and Mike are assisting the party when the doorbell rings.)

Carol: Oh, that must be Jenny. (to Marcia) That must be Jenny.

Mike: Oh, I’ll get it. Okay, I’ll be right back.

(He accidentally steps on some chips and crunches them.)

Carol: Well, Mike. (She and Alice are helping the girls with food when they hear something drop at the door.)

Carol: What was that?

(A bucket of spackle was over the door and it hit Mike as he let Jenny in.)

Mike (covered with spackle): Over the door.

(Everybody laughs and the boys come downstairs.)

Greg: Sorry about that, Dad.

(He gives them an angry hand gesture as everyone continues to laugh and the scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Mike and Carol I the kitchen with Alice.)

Mike: Hey Alice, we got any cookies?

Alice: Hmm, I don’t know, Mr. Brady. They pretty well cleaned us out the other night.

Mike: Yeah.

(The phone rings.)

Carol: I’ll get it, Alice. (She gets up and answers) Hello. Oh, good morning, Mr. Randolph.

Mike: Mr. Randolph?

Carol (happy): Well, I’m delighted. Really? Oh, thank you so much for calling. Bye. (She hangs up and tells Mike what was said.) Marcia and Paula explained the whole thing to Mr. Randolph and Mr. Denton, they are forgiven.

Mike: Oh, good, that’s great.

Alice: Why, you’re in luck, Mr. Brady. I found a box of cookies.

Mike: Don’t tell me something left after the shock troops.

Carol: Yeah, that’s about all.

(He reaches in the box and winds up taking a spider out.)

Alice: Sorry about that, Mr. Brady, party’s over but the melody lingers on.

Mike: Ooh, get rid of the spider.

(He gives it to Alice to throw away.)

                THE END

 

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S2E2 The Babysitters

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The Babysitters

Written by Bruce Howard

Greg and Marcia babysit the younger kids for the first time, due to Mike and Carol having a night out and Alice going to see her boyfriend Sam. Hope you enkoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

CAPTAIN AT RESTAURANT

POLICE OFFICER AT HOUSE

(The episode begins with Alice hanging up curtains on the rim between the kitchen and the family room. Carol comes in.)

Alice: How do these strike you, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: Well, they’re lovely, Alice, but I don’t think curtains look right there.

Alice: No, no, I’m helping the boyfriend decorate his apartment tonight. Think Sam will like these in his kitchen?

Carol: Aren’t these a little frilly, Alice? Looks like they go better in a woman’s apartment than a man’s apartment.

Alice: That’s the whole idea, to turn that man’s apartment into this woman’s apartment.

(Mike honks his horn to declare he’s home.)

Alice: Oh, look who’s home early on a Friday.

Carol: Oh, what a way to start the weekend. (She comes outside to greet him.) Hi, honey. Gee, what a great surprise. I hope nothing is wrong.

Mike: Wrong? Wait till yo hear, you’re gonna flip.

Carol: Well, how about a kiss first. You know, that flips me too. (He kisses her weakly.) Hey, you only hit one lip.

Mike (taking out an envelope.): Guess what I have here.

Carol: Well.

Mike: Oh, don’t bother, you’ll never guess.

Carol: Was I close?

Mike: Two tickets, fifth row center, for tonight to see (He points to the name of the performer.).

Carol: Oh, Mike, I can’t believe it! For tonight! But that show has been sold out for weeks. Oh, Mike, I’m so excited! How did you ever do it? But we can’t go.

Mike: Can’t go? Carol, after all I went through to get these things?

Carol: Well, I’m sorry, Mike, but Alice is helping Sam decorate his new apartment tonight.

Mike: Yeah, Well, she can do that another night. What’s the big deal?

Carol: Well, you know Alice likes Sam very much.

Mike: I like Sam very much.

Carol: Mike, you don’t want to marry Sam.

Mike: No, you got me there. So maybe we can work out something else.

(They walk into the house. Greg and Marcia are in the kitchen, enjoying a snack.)

Mike: Hi, kids.

Marcia: Hi, Dad.

Greg: Hi, Dad.

Mike (to Carol): Honey, you want to see this show as much as I do, don’t you?

Carol: Of course. Honey, it’s something we never think of because Alice is always here, but why don’t we call a babysitter.

Mike: Yeah, why not indeed. Let’s make an evening out of it. Dinner first, then the show afterwards.

Carol: Look, I’ll call Jennifer down the street, she does babysitting.

(They go to make a phone call.)

Marcia: A babysitter?

Greg: For us?

(The scene fades out. Next, Marcia and Greg are upstairs in the boys room complaining about how they’re too old to be babysat.)

Marcia: Boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Greg: You can say that again, treating us like we’re infants. A babysitter.

Marcia: I for one would feel absolutely humiliated to be sat for.

Greg: So would I. I think we ought to take a firm stand with Mom and Dad.

Marcia: Right, no babysitter for us.

Greg: I’ll do all the talking, but you keep nodding your head a lot.

Marcia: Okay, but we gotta look like we mean it.

Greg: Don’t worry, I will. I’ll look them straight in the eye and tell them we do mean it.

Marcia: And I promise to back you up.

(Meanwhile, Alice is downstairs on the phone with her friend Maude.)

Alice: Oh well, then you wouldn’t be able to sit for us. (He puts the phone down to talk to Carol) It’s Maude’s bowling night. (Carol gives a disappointed look and Alice gets back on the phone.) Well, thanks anyway, Maude. I hope you break a hundred, bye. (She hangs up.)

Carol: Well, I don’t know what we’re going to do, Alice. I’ve called everybody I can think of.

Alice: Me too.

Mike (coming in); How we doing?

Carol: We’re not.

Mike: What about Jennifer down the street? That sounded so simple.

Carol: She moved, and you know my folks are out of town.

Alice: Everyone else we can think of are busy.

Mike: Hmm.

(They all pause for a moment.)

Alice: Hey, I just thought of somebody. Me! I can help Sam decorate his apartment any old night. You’ve got tickets to a show. I don’t need a ticket to see Sam.

Mike: Hey, great.

Carol: But we wouldn’t hear of it.

Mike: No, we wouldn’t hear of it, Alice.

Alice: Oh, I don’t mind, really.

Carol: Alice, don’t give it another thought. Mike, um, (She and Mike go a few feet to talk in private.) Listen, this evening out with Sam really means a lot to Alice.

Mike: Okay, okay, I got the point. I got your elbow too. Listen, why don’t we call one of those professional babysitting agencies? They’re reliable.

Carol: You know something, you are brilliant. You know, for that, you’re going to get both lips.

(She gives him a kiss and a hug. Greg and Marcia walk in.)

Greg: Mom, Dad. (He realizes he interrupted them.) I’m sorry.

Mike: It’s all right, Greg. (to Carol) Just remind me where we were, would you?

Carol: Of course (to Greg and Marcia) What is it, kids?

Greg: Marcia and I would like to talk to you for a minute.

Carol: Sure, go ahead.

(They hesitate to speak.)

Mike: Well, what is it, Greg?

Greg: We’re bugged about something, Dad.

Marcia: Real bugged.

Carol: About what?

Greg: Marcia and I think we’re too old to have a babysitter and we’re very firm about that.

Marcia: Very firm about that.

(Mike and Carol look at each other.)

Mike: Too old, huh?

Greg: Yes sir, too old. I’m 14.

Marcia: I’m 13.

Greg: Kids our age are babysitters.

Mike (to Carol): They have a very good point.

Carol (laughing): Yeah. Somehow when they’re your own, they seem younger.

Greg: Then can we sit for ourselves tonight?

Mike: Well, it’s all right with me if it’s all right with your mother.

Carol: Well, why not?

Greg: Great!

Marcia: Thanks, Mom.

Mike: Okay, your tour of duty will start at approximately 6:00, at which time I’m going to take your mother to a very fancy restaurant.

Greg: 6:00, check. Come on, Marcia. (She whispers in his ear.) Dad.

Mike: Now what?

Greg: Babysitters get 75 cents an hour.

Mike: What?

Marcia: Each.

Mike: Each?

(Greg and Marcia walk away.)

Carol: They sure are growing up.

(The next scene has Carol talking to the other kids about how they should listen to Greg and Marcia while they’re sitting for them.)

Carol: Now I’m trusting all of you to be on your extra best behavior tonight with Greg and Marcia.

Jan: Gee Mom, you mean you’re leaving us all alone?

Greg: What a dodo, she just got through telling you we’re going to be here with you. It’s not being alone.

Peter: You want a bet? Mom, does this mean we have to follow their orders, especially his?

Carol: Your father and I have left instructions with Greg and Marcia. They’ll be acting for us. Does that answer your question?

Peter: Yeah, we have to follow orders.

Carol (pointing to her head): Good thinking.

Bobby: Which one is the head babysitter, Greg or Marcia?

Marcia: Neither one, we’re both the same, right Mom?

Carol: Right.

Bobby: You mean I have to ask both of them to help me take a bath? No chance, man, I’ll skip my bath.

Carol: No chance, man, Greg will help you.

Bobby: I’d still rather skip it.

(Cindy starts to sniffle.)

Carol: Cindy, are you coming down with the sniffles?

Cindy: If I am, I don’t want Greg or Marcia blowing my nose, I can do it myself.

Carol: Okay, Greg and Marcia, you heard that. No nose blowing for Cindy. Well, that does it, I better go get dressed. (Cindy sniffles again.) Cindy, are you sure you’re feeling all right?

Cindy: Fine.

Carol: Well, just to be sure, I think we better take your temperature.

Marcia: I’ll help, Mom.

Peter: Come on, Jan, let’s watch TV.

(Carol, Cindy and Marcia go upstairs while Peter and Jan go in the family room. Mike comes down the stairs.)

Mike: Everything under control?

Cindy: I have the sniffles., but I can blow my own nose.

Mike: Sniffles?

Carol: Oh, she’s fine, Mike.

(They go up the stairs while Mike comes in the living room with Greg and Bobby and goes over some last minute rules with Greg.)

Mike: Greg, I want to make sure now that you remember everything.

Greg: Would you stop worrying? You said you trusted us.

Mike: Right, right. I do.

(He looks over to Bobby, who just shrugs. Mike turns around, then back around again.)

Mike (to Greg): You smell something, smoke’s coming out of the television set, what do you do?

Greg: Get everybody out of the house and call the fire department.

(He points to him as if he got the right answer. he looks over to Bobby, who just smiles. Mike instantly comes up with a new question.)

Mike: Hot water pipe bursts! What do you do?

Bobby: I don’t take a bath!

Mike: Not you, him.

Greg: I turn off the main valve and call the plumber.

Mike (pointing his finger and nodding): Yeah. Right, get your face washed, know it all.

(Greg gets up and leaves.)

Bobby: Dad, why do babysitters have to know so much?

Mike: Well, because they’re here to protect you while Mom and Dad are out of the house.

(He playfully hits Bobby on the leg.)

Bobby: Protect us from what?

Mike: Oh, Bobby, all kinds of things. Accidents, strangers at the door.

Bobby: I don’t know any strangers.

Mike: Bobby, come with me. (He takes Bobby by the hand and head to the front door.) Now, I’m going to go outside and knock on the door.

(He opens to door to go outside.)

Bobby: Did you lose your key?

Mike: Huh? No, I didn’t lose my key. I just want to show you something. (He goes outside and closes the door. Bobby is trying to jump up to see through the peephole. Mike opens the door again.) What are you doing?

Bobby: Trying to see what you’re doing.

Mike: Never mind that, now, just do what I told you.

(He goes outside again and knocks on the door.)

Bobby (opening the door): Hi, Daddy.

Mike (firmly): Never open the front door without asking who it is. Now, try it again.

Bobby: Okay. (Mike goes outside again and Bobby shuts the door, Mike knocks again.) Who is it?

Mike: It’s Daddy. (Bobby opens the door.) That’s very good. Now, this time, I’m going to be a stranger. Now a stranger is somebody we don’t know, okay? And we never open doors for people that we don’t know. Right?

Bobby: Right. (Mike goes back outside and knocks again.) Who is it?

Mike (making his voice up): My name is Herman, may I come in?

Bobby: No, you’re a stranger.

(Alice comes up to Bobby.)

Alice: Okay, Bobby, time to get cleaned up for dinner.

Bobby: But…

Alice: No buts, go on, move along, move.

Mike (sounding like an old lady): Hi, I’m a little old lady and I want to use your telephone, let me in. (Alice listens in disbelief.) Okay, that’s good Bobby, open the door. (Alice is still shocked at his behavior.) Come on, open up, I’m not a stranger anymore.

(Alice opens the door and Mike is shocked that’s her and not Bobby.)

Alice: For somebody who’s not a stranger, you’re certainly acting mighty strange.

Mike: I was telling Bobby about strangers, and not to open the door, and, I was Herman, and (laughing) He went off and you came up and I. (Pause.) It’s kind of funny, isn’t it.

Alice: Hilarious.

(An embarrassed Mike walks off as we move into the next scene. Mike is getting ready to leave with Carol.)

Mike (calling): Carol!

(Carol comes down the stairs in a beautiful evening gown.)

Mike: Carol!, oh, there you are. Gorgeous. (He takes her hand and they hear the sound of a horn.) Alice, Sam’s here. (to Carol) We all set?

Carol: I, I think so.

Mike: Something’s wrong.

Carol: No, I’m not going to let a little sniffle of Cindy’s spoil our night out.

(Sam honks again.)

Mike: She have a fever?

Carol: No, none at all.

Mike: Then everything’s fine.

Alice (coming in): Does who have a fever?

Carol: Cindy, but she hasn’t. Just the sniffles.

Alice: Oh, my, I hope it doesn’t turn in to something worse. You know sniffles with kids.

(Sam honks once again.)

Greg (coming out with Marcia): Have a nice time, everybody.

Carol (to Alice): There’s Sam tooting again.

Alice: Well, I don’t know if I should go, Mrs. Brady, with Cindy sick and all.

Carol: Alice, Cindy is not sick, she just has the sniffles.

Marcia: What do you think Greg and I are here for?

Alice: Still, I think I’d better tell Sam to forget about it.

Mike: Alice (He grabs her by the arm), you will do no such thing. Alice, Mrs. Brady and I have the utmost confidence in the babysitters we have engaged for the evening.

Carol: Cindy’s in excellent hands.

Alice: Well, okay, enjoy the show.

(She leaves.)

Carol: Happy curtain hanging, Alice.

Mike: It’s our turn.

Carol: Yeah, I guess so.

Mike; Something wrong.

Carol: Well, I was just thinking what Alice said. Children’s sniffles can lead to something worse.

Mike: Honey, Cindy has sniffled before and Cindy will sniffle again, right?

Greg: We’ll look in on her every five minutes if you like. Please go!

Carol: Okay. (to Mike) Shall we?

Mike: Let’s. (He turns to the kids) Gas, did we turn the gas off?

Marcia: Dad, our stove is electric.

Mike: I was testing. (turning to Carol) Let’s go, honey.

Carol: Oh, listen kids, I…

Marcia: We know where all the phone numbers are, Mom.

Greg: And we’ll lock the door right behind you. Have a nice time.

(Carol goes to hug and kiss Marcia and Greg good night.)

Carol (to Marcia and Greg): Good night, sweetheart. Good night.

(After they leave, Mike knocks on the door again. Greg answers.)

Mike: You didn’t say who is it?

Greg: Only because I knew who it was. (He shuts the door) You didn’t chain the door.

(He chains the door and he and Marcia stand in front of it.)

Marcia: Parents.

Greg: Certainly hard to bring up.

(The scene fades out.)

(The next scene has Peter and Bobby watching television and Jan on the phone. Bobby is eating an apple while Greg sees Marcia with a glass of milk.)

Greg: Marcia, where you going with that?

Marcia: Cindy, she said her sniffles make her thirsty for milk.

Greg: Boy, oh boy, is she sneaky. She told me that her sniffles made her hungry for chocolate cake.

(Marcia laughs while Greg goes up to Bobby.)

Greg: Do you have to eat that (the apple) in here?

Bobby: What’s wrong with it?

Greg: Get a napkin. I don’t want apple juice dribbling al over the furniture for me to get blamed for.

Bobby: What a grouch.

(He gets up and Greg goes over to Peter.)

Greg: Peter, can’t you sit up?

Peter: Yeah, why?

Greg: Very funny. You’ll put a hole on the chair with your shoe. Do you mind?

Peter (moving his legs): Happy now, Mr. Dictator?

Greg: Okay, wise guy. How would you like to go to bed early and miss that movie on TV tonight?

Peter: You can’t make me do that.

Greg: I sure can, for not showing proper respect to your sitter.

Peter: Oh.

Greg: That’s better. (Bobby comes in and waves a napkin at Greg.) Jan, will you hang up the phone if you’re not talking to anyone.

Jan: Just a minute, Gloria. (She puts the phone down) It so happens that I’m talking to Gloria, but I’m not talking at the moment because I am listening to her do the talking. (She gets back on the phone.) Go ahead, Gloria.

Greg (disgusted): Kids.

(Cut over to the restaurant, where Mike and Carol are being escorted to a table with a candlelight over their heads.)

Captain: Would you care for something from the bar?

Mike: Carol?

Carol: Nah, I think I’d rather have a nice wine with dinner.

Mike: Me too. May we have the wine list, please?

Captain: very good, sir.

(The captain walks away.)

Carol (to Mike): Isn’t this a charming place?

Mike: Yeah, now that we found it, let’s come here more often.

Carol: A very good idea, Mr. Brady.

Mike: What will it be? Steaks, good burgundy or fish and Chablis. What do you think?

Carol: I think we should have left this number with Greg and Marcia.

Mike: Aw, honey, they know where we are. We could go whole hog and have lobster and champagne. What do you say?

Carol: I wish I had the kids check her temperature.

Mike: You promised to stop worrying about Cindy. now she’s in good hands, right?

Carol: Right.

(The captain returns with the menu.)

Captain: Wine list, sir.

Mike: Oh, thank you. ( He looks at the menu) All right, what’ll it be? Burgundy, Chablis or champagne?

Carol: Oh, not champagne. You know the bubbles make me sneeze.

Mike (quietly): Yeah, me too.

Carol: And speaking of sneezing…

Mike: Honey, no more worrying, okay?

Carol: Uh-oh.

Mike: What’s wrong?

Carol: I think a snap just broke on my dress.

Mike: Yeah, let me see.

Carol: No, no, it’s all right. I’ll just get a safety pin. I’ll be fine, don’t worry. I’ll be right back.

(She walks away while the captain returns.)

Captain: Ready for your wine, sir?

Mike: Uh, I think I’ll wait for my wife.

(Carol goes to make a phone call to the house but gets a busy signal, due to Jan being on the phone with her friend, Gloria.)

Jan (on the phone): And then what, Gloria.

(Carol hangs up. We next see her at the table with Mike, looking at the menu.)

Mike: Anything look tempting?

Carol: Oh, Mike, their specialty tonight is abalone steak. You know how the kids love abalone.

Mike: You remember when Peter went diving for abalone?

Carol: Yes, and he cut his foot on some coral.

Mike: That’s right, he did.

Carol: Remember, it wasn’t much at first, and then it turned out to be pretty nasty. You know that happens sometimes.

Mike: Yeah, I suppose so. (He looks in another direction.) That looks like Charlie Hoffman. I haven’t seen him for years.

Carol: Who’s Charlie Hoffman?

Mike: Uh, he’s an old friend. Uh, just going out there. Will you excuse me while I see if I can catch him?

(Mike gets on a phone to call the house, with the same result.)

Jan (still on the phone): Well, just don’t leave me hanging here, Gloria.

(Mike hangs up and goes back to join Carol at the table.)

Mike: Well, it wasn’t Charlie Hoffman, but the resemblance was uncanny. Uncanny.

Carol: Oh no, I think that’s pin’s come loose. (They both get up.) I’ll be right back.

Mike: Listen, honey, while you’re gone, I’ll just get some change for the parking lot attendant.

(Next, we have Carol at a payphone with Mike on another. Jan is still on the phone and they get a busy signal.)

Jan (on the phone): The trouble with you, Gloria is it’s impossible to believe a word you say.

(Carol hangs up and so does Mike. They meet each other back at the table.)Carol and Mike: Mike/Carol, I just called home.

(They laugh.)

Carol: You too?

Mike: Well, Peter’s foot and the abalone got to me.

Carol (nodding): Mike, I’d feel a lot better if we could run by the house and check before going on to the show.

Mike: Why don’t we skip dinner and do that, we can eat later. Uh, captain.

Captain: Are you ready now, sir?

Mike: I’m afraid we had a change in plans and we can’t stay.

Captain: That’s perfectly all right, sir. I’ll bring you your check.

Mike: Check?

Carol: But we didn’t have anything.

Captain: There’s the cover charge, Madam. And the state tax, of course.

Mike: But we didn’t have anything to tax.

Captain: The tax is on the cover charge, sir.

(Next, they are back at the house checking on the kids. They’re outside the front door.)

Mike: You know, we really shouldn’t be doing this.

Carol: Why not?

Mike: Well, because we said we trusted them. The kids will never forgive us for checking on them.

Carol: Yeah, maybe you’re right.

Mike: Honey, listen, I’m sure they are okay. Besides, they got the chain on the door.

Carol: Mike, I smell smoke.

Mike: Oh, that’s just the Dittmeyer’s barbecue.

Carol: Well, maybe so, but couldn’t we check the same?

Mike: They’re always having those barbecues.

Carol: It’ll only take a minute.

(Greg, Marcia, Peter and Jan are all watching TV in the family room while Mike accidentally bumps into a patio chair, making Greg suspicious.)

Greg: Marcia, did you hear something?

Marcia: Like what?

Greg: I’m not sure.

Marcia: What was it?

(While walking outside, mike trips over a bicycle, making another thudding noise. Greg decides to call the police.)

Greg (from the living room phone): Jan, get off the phone. I have to make an important call.

(He hangs up then dials again. Carol helps Mike up outside.)

Carol: Honey, are you all right?

(We go back inside.)

Greg (on the phone): Yes. Yes, sir. I heard it twice. Thank you very much, good-bye. (He hangs up and turns to Marcia) The police are sending a patrol car right over. He said there’s one right in the neighborhood.

(We go back outside.)

Carol: You would have been quieter breaking down the front door.

(Back inside.)

Marcia: Boy, you better be sure you heard something.

(Back outside one more time. Carol smells something.)

Carol: I think you’re right, it’s the Dittmeyer’s barbecue.

(They notice somebody opening the door to their back fence.)

Mike: Wait here.

(He creeps over to the fence with Carol holding on to him. They approach the person coming in. they are surprised to see it’s none other than Alice, who screams.)

Alice: Mr. Brady, what are you doing here?

Mike: What are you doing here?

Police Officer (arriving at the scene): What are you all doing here?

(The officer flicks a flashlight at them.)

Carol: Well, you see officer, Alice is our housekeeper.

Mike: That’s right, officer.

Officer (sarcastically): And you were fighting over who’s going to vacuum those bushes tonight?

Carol: Oh, no, this is our house, and we thought Alice was a prowler.

Mike: She was supposed to be at Sam’s doing the curtains!

Alice: Well, I got a little worried about Cindy.

Mike: The kids are sitting alone for the first time.

Alice: The line was busy, I got to worrying about her cold.

Carol: She’s got the sniffles.

Mike: Right, we skipped dinner, but didn’t want to miss the show.

Carol: A friend of my husband’s gave him the tickets.

Mike: All we wanted to do was (Pause) Check.

Carol: It’s just such a simple explanation.

Mike: We smelled the smoke in the neighbor’s yard.

Carol: Right, the Dittmeyer’s over there.

(Greg, Marcia, Peter and Jan are looking out the window in dismay as the scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Mike explaining to Marcia and Greg what happened.)

Mike: So Alice was worried and came around the back like we did.

Greg: I’m sorry I called the police, Dad.

Mike: No, you did the right thing.

(Carol comes down the stairs.)

Carol: Well, I just checked. Cindy’s sound asleep and not a sign of a sniffle.

Marcia: We kept a close eye on her, like we promised.

Greg (looking at his watch): Hey, if you hurry, you’ll still have to catch the show.

Mike: That’s exactly what I was thinking. (to Carol) Shall we, honey?

Carol: Great idea. (She grabs her purse and coat) Well, good -bye, kids. We won’t be late.

Greg: And don’t worry, we have everything under control.

Marcia: And the stove is turned off, and we know where all the phone numbers are.

Carol: Great, bye.

Greg: We just want you to have a good time. relax.

(Mike and Carol head out the door. Mike comes back in.)

Mike: You forgot to (Pause) Chain the door.

(Greg shuts the door and chains it. She and Marcia shake hand and guard the door.)

                                       THE END

untitled chain the door

S2 E1 The Dropout

                untitled the dropout

                                    The Dropout

          Written by Ben Gershman and Bill Freedman

Greg meets L.A. Dodger Don Drysdale, who compliments his pitching and informs him that maybe someday he’d wind up in the Big Leagues. This gives Greg a swelled head and leads him to announce he’ll quit school in favor of a huge career in baseball. Hope you enjoy the script.

                         CAST OF CHARACTERS

 MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

DON DRYSDALE

(The episode begins with Greg in the backyard with a baseball, cap and mitt. He shakes his head no twice, then nods a yes. Then he pitches the ball through a tire, with Peter and Bobby throwing it back. Mike is in his den with pitcher Don Drysdale, to whom he just designed a home for his retirement.)

Mike: Well, there it is, the future Don Drysdale residence. You like it?

Drysdale: Gee, that’s quite a shack.

Mike (proudly): Yeah.

Drysdale (jokingly): Hey, I’ll have to get some St. Bernard’s in case I get lost in there.

(He laughs.)

Mike: That’s all right. We supply a road map with every set of blueprints.

Drysdale: You know, baseball has been real good to me. Mike, thanks a million.

Mike: Hey, Don,  there’s another reason I wanted you to stop by the house instead of the office. I wanted my boys to meet you.

Drysdale: Don’t tell me I got some fans left.

Mike: Are you kidding? You better believe it, especially my oldest Greg out there. Ha. He thinks you’re a combination of George Washington, Neil Armstrong and the guy who invented pizza.

(He and Drysdale go outside to meet the guys.)

Mike: Greg, somebody here I’d like you to meet.

Greg: Can we do it later?

Mike: Greg!

(He tries to get him to look Drysdale’s way.)

Greg: I’m busy. (He finally notices Drysdale.) Don Drysdale? Wow!

Peter (coming over with Bobby): Don Drysdale, wow!

Mike: Don, these are my boys, Greg, Bobby and Peter.

Drysdale: Hiya, men.

Greg: Boy, this sure is a big day for me, Mr. Drysdale.

Drysdale: Call me Don, okay?

Greg: Thanks, Don.

Peter: Can I call me Don too?

Drysdale: You bet.

Peter: Thanks, Don.

Drysdale (to Bobby): Tell you what, you call me Don too, okay?

Bobby: Thanks, Mr. Drysdale.

Mike: Don, you and Greg have something in common, he’s a pitcher too.

Greg: I’m in the Pony League. Watch this slider.

(He pitches the ball into the tire.)

Drysdale: Hey, that had good stuff on it. (Peter and Bobby run to retrieve the ball.) Hey, you got a great motion there, you know it? Look it. On your slider, though, when you stride out, just kind of bend your back, make sure your back is bent. Get your arm and try to go right out there in front of you, there you go. Now, when you grip it, get it right there through this, got it? Here, you do it, there you go.

Greg: Oh, gee, you showed me your secret slider. I’ll murder them Saturday.

Drysdale: You might be in the Big League someday.

Greg: Me?

Drysdale: I don’t know why not, the Dodgers are always looking for a good arm.

Greg: Oh, I’m gonna keep practicing, Don.

Drysdale: At a boy. You know, you’ll probably be a bonus baby too. (He starts to leave and turns to Peter and Bobby) See you later gang, take care.

Peter and Bobby: So long.

Greg (going in a trance): Did you hear what Drysdale said? Big leagues.

Peter: Hey, Greg, you gonna throw some more?

Greg: Dodgers.

Bobby: Hey, Greg, how about letting me pitch, Greg.

Greg: Bonus baby.

Bobby: Let’s play.

Peter: He’s gone.

Bobby: Yeah, gone.

untitled don

(The scene fades. The next scene has the girls practicing ballet in their room.)

Marcia: Now, let’s do pas de bras. (They practice.) Side, down.

(Greg comes in to borrow some scotch tape.)

Greg: You girls have some tape? I want to stick this on my wall.

Marcia: Top drawer, left.

(Greg goes in the drawer to borrow the tape.)

Cindy: Who is it?

Greg: My pal Don.

Marcia: Don who?

Greg: Don Drysdale.

Jan: Who’s Don Drysdale?

Greg: The man who discovered me, that’s who. Don’t girls know anything, the big “D”, Don Drysdale.

(The girls resume their ballet practice and Greg leaves. Next, Peter and Bobby are  in the garage putting a wagon together and Greg comes by.)

Greg: How about a game of catch?

Bobby: We’re busy.

Peter: Yeah, how about helping us?

(He tries to hand Greg the hammer.)

Greg: And take a chance on smashing my hand? what are you trying to do, ruin my career?

Peter: What career?

Greg: Are you kidding? These fingers are worth their weight in gold.

Peter: Since when?

Greg: You heard Drysdale. He said one of these days I’d be in the Big Leagues.

Peter: He didn’t say you would be, he said you might be.

Greg: He said would.

Peter: Might.

Greg: Would.

Bobby: I heard might.

Greg: Well, that’s not what he said, the way he said it. (He walks a few feet, then has an imagination.) Now pitching for the Los Angeles Dodgers, the national league strike out king, Lefty Brady! (He blows on his hand.) How did that sound, huh?

Peter: Great, except for one thing. You’re right handed.

Greg: I know, but it’s a good name.

Bobby: What’s wrong with Greg? That’s a good name.

Greg: Sure, but you gotta have a name that looks good on the sports page, like Bobo, or Duke, or Dizzy, or Catfish.

Peter: That’s the one.

Greg: Catfish?

Peter: No, Dizzy, that really fits you perfect.

Greg: Just for that, wise guy, when I’m pitching in the World Series, you’re gonna have to pay to get in.

(Next, Carol and Mike are in bed early the next morning and Carol is awakened by a noise.)

Carol: Mike, wake up.

Mike (barely awake): It’s 5:00 in the morning.

Carol: I heard a strange sound.

Mike: Mmm, what kind?

Carol: Well, it went ka-boom, ka-boom, ka-boom. kind of like Bela Lugosi wearing wet sneakers.

Mike: I told you not to watch that horror movie.

Carol: Oh yeah, maybe I did imagine it. I’m sorry I woke you. (She turns off the light and goes back to bed.) Good night.

Mike: You mean good morning.

(He hears the thudding sound which also wakes Alice. She wakes up with a flashlight. Mike also wakes up and turns the light on.)

Carol: There you see, you heard it too.

Mike: It must be that hot water heater acting up again.

Carol: No, it was definitely a ka-boom, ka-boom, ka-boom. When the heater acts up, it goes bloop, bloop. bloop.

Mike: It must be trouble. I’ll go see.

(He gets out of bed to go downstairs, where Greg is lifting weights. Mike, Carol and Alice go down.)

Mike: Greg, do you know what time it is?

Greg: Oh sure, that’s why I’m working out down here. Did I wake you?

Carol: Oh no, I’ve always wanted to rise before dawn to greet the coming of a glorious new day. Thanks a lot, Greg.

Mike: Listen, what is the sudden urge for muscles?

Greg: If a guy’s got to pitch, he’s got to be in shape.

Mike: I can’t quarrel with that.

Greg: I got seven innings to go Saturday.

Mike: That’s the spirit, if you’re gonna do something, you’ve got to give it all you got.

Greg: Right.

Mike: Yeah, well, there’s just one thing, there are other people in this house who don’t have to pitch on Saturday.

Alice: There are others who can’t afford to miss one minute of their beauty sleep, like me.

Mike: She’s right.

(He then looks back on her.)

Greg: Okay. (He puts the weight down.) I’ll do my jogging now.

(The next scene has Greg and Peter going up to Mike in the garage.)

Greg: Dad?

Mike: Mmm hmm.

Greg: What’s the biggest bonus any ball player ever got?

Mike: The biggest bonus? Well, I seem to remember that the Angels paid one guy about $200,000.

Peter: $200,000, man oh man.

Greg: Huh, what did I tell you, I’m gonna be loaded.

Mike: Oh yeah, well listen bub, before you start spending all that money, you better realize that out of a thousand young hopefuls, only one makes it.

Greg: Oh, well, I’m not worried, I’ll be the one.

(Next, Greg is in the family room studying a baseball encyclopedia. Carol comes in to take a shirt form the couch, where he is sitting.)

Carol: Do you mind? I’ll just be a second, oh, thank you.

Greg: That’s okay. I’m just memorizing some important dates.

Carol (collecting more clothes and items): Oh, well, that’s one nice thing about history, you never run out of dates.

Greg: Yeah. You know what real important thing happened in 1839?

Carol: 1839, well, I’ll take a stab at it. Was that the year Samuel Morse invented the telegraph?

Greg: I don’t know about that, but 1839 was the year Abner Doubleday laid out the first baseball diamond.

Carol: Now, that really was a memorable event.

Greg: I’ll say. You know what happened in 1903?

Carol: Babe Ruth threw the first forward pass.

Greg: Oh, Mom, that was the year of the First World Series. It’s all right here in this baseball encyclopedia. You want me to explain the infield fly rule?

Carol: I don’t think so, but I would like to ask you a question. Have you finished your homework yet?

Greg: I’ll get to it.

Carol: Greg, how about right now?

Greg: In a minute, Mom, in a minute.

Carol: Greg.

Greg: Mom, please!

(Later on, Carol is talking to Mike about Greg’s over-obsession with baseball.)

Carol: He eats and sleeps baseball. It’s become an obsession.

Mike: Well, maybe he has gone overboard a little.

Carol: A little? To him, American history doesn’t even begin until 1839.

Mike: 1839?

Carol: The year Abner Holiday invented baseball.

Mike (laughing): Abner Doubleday. Oh, honey, I think Greg’s acting fairly normal under the circumstances.

Carol: What circumstances?

Mike: Well, the fact that he’s pitching for his team now. A great player like Don Drysdale pats him on the back. That’s the dream of every American boy.

Carol: Well, far be it for me to be un-American.

(They kiss. the next scene has Carol on the phone with one of Greg’s teachers, as Mike comes in from work.)

Mike (walking in the door): Hi, honey.

(Carol is on the living room phone. Mike comes in and tries to kiss her, but she shields.)

Carol (on the phone): No, I appreciate your calling, Mrs. Pearson. I’m just as concerned as you are. No, it just isn’t like Greg. Believe me, his father and I will have a talk with him, and we really appreciate your calling, Mrs. Pearson. Right, bye.

(She hangs up the phone.)

Mike: What’s up?

Carol: I can tell you what isn’t up, Greg’s grades this week. That was one of his teachers.

Mike: I don’t get that, he’s always done real well.

Carol: Not this time. Do you know he didn’t even turn in his history assignment?

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: And when the teacher asked him what the most important victory was in American history, do you know what he replied? (Mike shakes his head no.) 1969, the year the Mets won the Pennant. (Mike laughs.) Don’t laugh, Mike.

Mike: Okay. (He calls upstairs) Greg!

Greg: Yes, Dad.

Mike: Come down here for a minute? (to Carol) Well, he’s a pretty levelheaded kid and I think we can straighten it all out.

Carol: I hope so.

Greg (coming down with baseball and mitt in hand): What is it, Dad?

Mike: Sit down. (Greg sits) Look, son, your teacher, Mrs. Pearson called, and said you didn’t turn in your history assignment, true?

Greg: I didn’t have time.

Carol: But you did have time to memorize the batting averages of every player in the Major League.

Greg: Well, that’s important.

Mike: Your schoolwork isn’t?

Greg: I’m gonna be a baseball player. They don’t have to now anything, well, I mean, except for baseball.

Mike: Look, just the same, you start hitting those books, right?

Carol: Greg, you’re going to need good grades to get into college.

Greg: College, who cares about college? I didn’t even know why I have to finish high school, I got a great career ahead of me in baseball.

(He drops the ball on the table as the scene fades out, with Mike and Carol looking on with disbelief.)

(The next scene has Mike and Carol at the table with Carol pouring tea and Mike reading the paper. They discuss the situation with Greg.)

Carol: Mike, are you sure we shouldn’t have a talk with Greg?

Mike: Oh, honey, I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said. I don’t think we have a high school dropout on our hands.

Carol: I guess not.

Mike: Kids say a lot of things they don’t really mean.

Peter (coming down the stairs): Mom, Dad, can I ask you something?

Carol: Sure, anytime, what’s up?

Peter: Well, if Greg doesn’t have to finish high school, why do I have to finish junior high school?

(Mike and Carol start to get upset as Bobby comes down as well.)

Bobby: And if he doesn’t have to finish junior high, why do I have to finish grammar school?

Mike (to Carol): Well, I think we better have that talk with Greg.

(Cut to the boys room, where Mike and Carol come to have another talk with Greg.)

Greg: Talk about what?

Mike: Baseball.

Greg: Oh, well sure, what do you want to know?

Mike: Look, Greg, baseball is a great sport.

Greg: I know.

Mike: All right, wait a minute, but there are other things in life just as important.

Carol: Or even more important.

Mike: Yeah, look, you can go into baseball, if you’re good enough. But there’s nothing wrong with going to college first.

Greg: What about guys like Joe DiMaggio, or Mickey Mantle, or Yogi Berra. Now, they never went, and they did all right.

Carol: Greg, you can’t pin all your hopes on just one thing in life.

Mike: Right, it doesn’t hurt to be able to do several things well.

Greg: I know, that’s why I’m working on my hitting and fielding, in case my pitching arm goes. (He grabs a towel and goes into the bathroom.) Boy, I sure am glad I have a Mom and Dad who understand.

(Next, Mike and Carol have Drysdale over to speak to Greg. They are in the den talking about the situation.)

Drysdale: Oh, boy. Me and my big mouth.

Mike: Well, nobody is blaming you, Don.

Drysdale: Well, it’s just that I love the game so much and I like to encourage the kids, that’s all.

Carol: Oh, you encouraged him, all right.

Drysdale: Well look, you name it and I’ll do it.

Mike: I think right now Greg thinks that baseball is just one big bed of roses, see.

Carol: Yeah, maybe you can make him realize that there are a few thorns in it.

Drysdale: Hmm, a few thorns. I tell ya, I’ve been stuck as much as anybody.

(They all laugh.)

Mike: Well, that’s what we’d like to get across to Greg.

Drysdale: Great, let’s go.

(They head out to the backyard where Greg is practicing pitching.)

Greg: Hi Mr. Drysdale, I mean Don.

Drysdale (shaking Greg’s hand): Hello Greg, how are you, son?

Greg: Great. Oh, guess what, I’m pitching today.

Mike: You know how he feels before the game, don’t you, Don. The old nerves twitching?

Drysdale: Oh, listen, I’ll tell you, when those butterflies start kicking you in the stomach, I don’t know. I can hardly eat the day that I pitch.

Greg: Not me. For breakfast, I had hotcakes, sausage and a couple of eggs.

Mike: Yeah, but I bet the jitters really hit you when the fans start riding you, don’t they?

Drysdale: Oh, and do they ride you. You know it’s funny, you’re a hero one minute and a bum the next. You serve up a couple of home run balls, and, I don’t know, you feel you want to sneak out of the ballpark.

Greg: I’ll bet that never happened to you.

Drysdale: Oh, many times, I’ll tell you, I used to keep a false beard and dark glasses in my locker.

Mike (laughing): Oh, wow.

Drysdale: Go on down, let’s see something.

(Greg runs a few feet and he and Drysdale play catch.)

Mike: I guess being a baseball player probably is more glamorous from the bleachers, huh, Don.

Drysdale: Well, I’ll tell you, baseball isn’t what it’s all cracked up to be. (He throws the ball to Greg.) Look at me, 34 years old and my career is finished.

Mike: Yeah, but you can do something else. I mean, when you went to college.

Drysdale: Well, that’s true, but there’s a lot of guys that I broke in with, they’re still in the minor leagues trying to make a living.

Mike: Well, I guess baseball isn’t all fun and glory.

Drysdale: Far from it. Sitting up all night in broken down buses, sometimes you get stuck in second rate hotels, sleep all night with your arm packed in ice. Oh yeah, that’s some fun and glory.

Mike: Yeah, well, that really makes you think, doesn’t it, Greg?

Greg: Yeah, it sure does.

Drysdale (leaving): Greg, take it easy, okay? See you later.

(He hands the ball back to Mike.)

Mike: Thanks, Don.

Greg: Thanks for everything, Don.

(Next, Mike is inside with Carol reporting the conversation between him, Greg and Don.)

Mike: But you know, actually he told Greg nothing but the truth.

Carol: Well, how did Greg take it?

Mike: Oh, he got the message.

Carol: Mmm, good.

(Greg comes in eating an apple.)

Greg: Boy, what Don said sure made me think.

Carol: It did, Greg?

Greg: Yeah, I’m not gonna let those things happen to me.

Mike: Hey, good boy.

Greg: I’m gonna start right at the top. None of that minor league stuff for me.

Mike: Well, what about the things he said? The jitters and the pressure and the aches and pains, the arm packed in ice?

Greg: Oh, heck, a cold arm isn’t bad for all that money.

Carol: That’s all you got out of the conversation?

Greg: Oh, no, he told me a lot of stuff about buses and cheap hotels. But he meant the guys who weren’t good enough, and I’m going to be a star. Yep, they’ll be lucky to get a foul tip off me today.

(He leaves the room.)

Mike (to Carol): Somebody is riding for a big fall.

Carol: And I know who’s going to be there to pick up the pieces.

(The next scene has the girls bringing their breakfast dishes into the kitchen, while wearing their ballet outfits. Greg is mixing a health shake in the blender.)

Greg (to the girls): Hey, where are you going?

Marcia: To our ballet lesson, it’s Saturday.

Greg: Ballet! When you can see me pitch?

(Greg starts to pour the drink, which resembles a milkshake.)

Jan: Hey, what’s that?

Greg: Oh, it’s a quick energizer I got from a health magazine.

Cindy: What’s in it?

Greg: Turnip tops and beet bottoms, wheat germ and cod live roil.

Marcia (from the sink): I think I’m going to be sick.

Greg (taking a sip): Mmm, it’s delicious. But I better not get too much energy at once. You can have the rest of it if you want.

(He puts his cap on and goes up to Marcia.)

Greg: How does it look?

Marcia: Aren’t you gonna wait for Dad?

Greg: No, I’m riding my bike over. I wanna get there early, in case there are any Big League scouts around. (to Jan and Cindy) As long as you’re not gonna be at the game, I guess you can have it now.

(He writes his name on a slip of paper and gives it to Cindy.)

Cindy: Greg Brady, what do I want your name for?

Greg: That’s not just a name, it’s an autograph. Hang on to it, it’s going to be worth a lot of money someday.

(He leaves. Next, we have Mike, Peter and Bobby leaving for the game.)

Mike: Let’s go kids, we’re moving out.

(They’re coming down the stairs.)

Peter: Dad, can I sleep on the couch tonight?

Mike: What’s wrong with your room?

Peter: Nothing, but after the game today, it’ll be too small for Bobby and me and that big head of Greg’s.

(Mike kicks Peter’s butt as they head out the door.)

(Next, we see several scenes with the game going on and with Greg pitching. Then, we see Carol coming home with groceries.)

Alice: How was the ballet lesson?

Carol: Wonderful, you ought to come some time.

Alice: Yeah, in my tutu. In my case, you better make that a two-two by four-four.

(Carol laughs, then we see a dejected Greg coming home.)

Carol: Greg!

Greg: Hi Mom, Hi Alice.

Carol: What are you doing home so soon?

Alice: Did they call off the game?

Greg: Can’t a guy come home without a lot of questions?

Mike (coming in): Hi, honey.

Carol: Mike, what’s the matter with Greg? Is the game over already?

Mike: No.

Carol: Well, didn’t he pitch?

Mike: Oh yeah, he pitched all right.

(Peter and Bobby come in.)

Peter: They clobbered him.

Bobby: He couldn’t get anybody out.

Peter: Yeah, they scored 12 runs in the first inning, then the coach gave Greg the hook.

Mike: Yeah, all right boys, that’s enough. Come on, take this upstairs.

Alice: Was it really as bad as all that, Mr. Brady?

Mike: Oh, it was a massacre. He was so cocky, he wouldn’t listen to the couch, and he really got his lumps.

Carol: Aw, the poor kid.

Mike: Well, it had to happen.

Carol: Mike, I think you better start picking up the pieces.

(Mike goes up to the boys room to look for Greg. he finally finds him on the top bunk, on the verge of tears.)

Mike: Mind if I come in?

Greg: No.

Mike: Listen, uh, about the game today.

Greg: Who cares about a stupid old game.

Mike: Well, anybody can have an off day, come on, next time you’ll mow them down.

(Greg shakes his head no.)

Greg: There won’t be any next time. I’ve got more important things to do.

Mike: Do you really?

Greg: Who wants to travel around in old buses and have to worry about being traded? And butterflies in your stomach. (He is about to cry.) I’m never gonna play that dumb game again.

(Mike sits next to him and pats him sympathetically.)

Mike: You’re going to go way overboard the other way. Listen, baseball is a great game. But it’s just one part of life, but there are others things important, too. Come on. Education is important, listening to people, like the coach, yeah. You’ve got to strike a balance of some kind.

Greg: But I thought you’d be happy if I gave up baseball.

Mike: No, no, listen, Make it one part of your life, for now. Greg, not everybody can be a Don Drysdale. All right, maybe you can, but maybe you can’t. Now, in the meantime you just go in there and you do, you do the best you can.

Greg: I did the best I can and they clobbered me.

Mike: All right. Yeah, they did, they did. But that doesn’t mean they’re going to do it the next time. Right?

Greg (getting up): Maybe, maybe if I work some more on my slider.

Mike: At a boy, see.

Greg: And developed a change-up.

Mike: Ah, sure, you can do that.

Greg: And improve my curve.

Mike: There’s no reason you can’t. If you work at it.

Greg: Boy, I’ll get so good, some scout will come around and offer me a bonus.

(Greg goes over to look himself in the mirror. He puts on a frown, then a smile.)

Greg: Why didn’t you stop me, Dad?

Mike: Because I think you just proved you’re smart enough to stop yourself.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Greg and Mike still in the boys room.)

Mike: Come on, you wanna play catch?

Greg: You mean it?

Mike: Sure, on one condition.

Greg: What?

Mike: Well, if any scouts come along, they have to take us as a team.

(They leave to go outside.)

                               THE END

untitled bonus baby

 

 

S1 E25 Lost Locket, Found Locket

untitled locket

Lost Locket, Found Locket

Written by Charles Hoffman

Jan receives a locket from an anonymous sender, and the Bradys spend the rest of the episode trying to track the sender down. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN RADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

Security guard at Mike’s office

(The episode begins with Jan sitting in her room, reading a magazine. Alice comes in to put away bedsheets and pillow cases.)

Alice: Goofing off on a Saturday morning, Jan?

Jan: Nothing else to do but goof. Mom took Marcia to that Saturday morning art class, and Dad took Cindy to the playground.

Alice: Yeah, Cindy loves that little merry-go-round.

Jan: Yeah, it’s just her speed. Too slow for me.

Alice: Every once in a while, somebody has to get left out. I’m gonna go downstairs and goof off with some more ironing.

(Carol comes in.)

Carol: Hi, Alice. (She goes up to Jan) Hi, honey. I just got home and met the mailman. (She hands her a small box.) This is for you.

Jan: Oh, a package.

Carol: Well, it sure resembles one. (She reads the address.) Ms. Jan Brady, 4222 Clinton Way City.

Jan: That’s me all right. What do you suppose it is?

Carol: You’re going to find out very shortly.

(Jan opens it.)

Jan: Oh, what a beautiful little box, and inside the box is, oh, Mom, look, a locket! It’s beautiful.

Carol: Yes.

Jan: Well, there isn’t a card in it.

Carol: Oh.

Jan: Who do you suppose it came from?

Carol (looking inside) the package): No return address.

Jan: That’s pretty strange. Nobody’s sending me a locket, and without a card.

Carol: Yeah, that’s quite strange. (Pause) But it is a lovely locket. Here, let me put it on you.

(Jan stands up while Carol puts it on her.)

Jan: It’s more than strange, mom, it’s a baffling mystery. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before.

(The scene fades. The next scene has Jan looking at it in the mirror, along with Marcia and Cindy.)

Jan: It sure still is a mystery who sent the locket, but I think it’s adorable.

(Cut over to the boys ‘room, where Greg is trying to check the handwriting of the sender, with Mike and the boys watching.)

Greg: This magnifying glass doesn’t help much with the postmark, especially since Jan ripped it when she opened the package.

Peter: If something’s just addressed city, Dad, doesn’t that mean it’s mailed from the same city?

Mike: At a boy, Peter. Now that’s how to solve mysteries, logic.

Bobby (to Greg): Could I use the magnetizing glass?

Greg: Magnifying, Bobby. Be my guest.

Bobby (looking through at the postmark): Wow! I just found something out!

Mike: What? What is it?

Bobby: Everything is much bigger.

(Greg takes the magnifying glass and discovers something.)

Greg: Hey.

Mike: What?

Greg: The typewriter that typed this dropped its y.

Bobby: Dropped it where?

Greg: Three times, in Brady, in way and city, look.

Peter: So the typewriter dropped its y three times, that’s not much of a clue.

Mike: No, listen Peter, that could be a very important clue. If we find the typewriter that did it, which I doubt.

(Cut back to the girls’ room, where they are trying to figure out who sent it as well.)

Marcia: It’s pretty hard to guess who sent it, with the scads of admirers you have.

Cindy: Like Willie Dalrymple. He’s a real scad.

Jan: You’re both jealous.

Marcia: Don’t you even care who your secret admirer is?

Jan: Of course I do, I’m dying of curiosity. Anyway, I’ll be wearing it to the library this afternoon. Do you want to come with me?

Marcia: Sure, we might run into Willie Dalrymple. (Jan gets up and leaves. Marcia teases her.) Willie sent the locket.

(Cut back to the boys room)

Peter: Maybe we should be looking for fingerprints on the locket and box.

Bobby: Good idea! We could use my fingerprint kit.

Mike: Yeah, and even if you found a fingerprint, what would you do with it?

Peter: Send it to J. Edgar Hoovey.

Mike (laughing): Hoover.

Bobby: Sure.

Mike: Well, listen I hate to discourage initiative, fellas, but you know there are millions of fingerprints on file in the F.B.I. I just wonder if J. Edgar Hoovey would take time to crack down one connected with Jan’s locket.

Greg (too the boys): You can’t argue with that.

Peter: I guess that’s why he’s a Dad and we’re just guys.

Bobby: Yeah, he thinks better.

Mike: Thanks, Bobby.

(Downstairs in Mike’s den, Carol is talking to Mike about the same matter.)

Carol: Well, this pretty velvet lined box didn’t come from an expensive store, but it did come from somewhere.

Mike: Well, now, as deductions go, that’s a reasonable one.

Carol: I wonder who could’ve forgot to enclose a card. (She gets an idea) Aunt Martha!

Mike: Hey, now, there’s an idea.

Carol: Well, she’s always been especially fond of Jan, and, well, you know how forgetful she is.

Mike (laughing): I’ll never forget when your Aunt Martha drove home in the black Sedan, and she didn’t realize it was her own tan station wagon till she gets in the garage.

Carol: Well, I mean, like at Christmas and Easter, she always forgets to enclose her name or her address or something. It would be just like her to send a locket to Jan and not enclose a card.

Mike: Yeah, agreed.

Carol: Well, I think I’ll phone her, the kids can’t hear me in here, anyway.

Mike: She’s probably just come home in somebody’s red convertible.

(Carol gets on the phone to her aunt.)

Carol: Hello. Aunt Martha, this is Carol. Carol, your niece. Carol Brady. Well, listen, Aunt Martha, what I’m calling about, Jan received a locket a few days ago with no care enclosed and (Pause) No, not locker, locket. You know, one of those little things you hang around your neck and put pictures in. Well, it really doesn’t matter, Aunt Martha, just anybody’s pictures. Yeah, well, she did receive one and I thought maybe you sent it. No, it didn’t come from Alaska. You were? A month? Oh no, then it definitely didn’t come from you. What? Totem pole? No, we, we haven’t received it yet, Aunt Martha. We’ll be looking out for it, yes. thank you in advance. (She laughs) nice talking to you too, Aunt Martha. Yeah, of course I will. Bye.

(She hangs up)

Mike: Well, I got most of that, but you will what?

Carol: Give her love to Roger.

Mike: Roger?

Carol: My sister’s husband.

Mike: Your Aunt Martha is really on the ball.

Carol: Well, there goes our theory.

Mike: Yep, right down the proverbial drain.

Carol: Which leaves us with one possible clue.

Mike: Yes?

Carol: Well, you know that Greg discovered those Y’s that were dropped from the label.

Mike: Yes?

Carol: Well, now if we could just find the typewriter that dropped its Y’s, our problem would be solved.

Mike (laughing): Oh, honey, finding a typewriter that drops its Y’s is like finding a needle that drops its haystack.

(That evening, Carol and Alice go down to Mike’s office to see if he was responsible for sending the locket.)

Alice (flicking a flashlight): Shopping for a new coat for me?

Carol: Well, I wanted him to stay home while we sneak up here to his office. My female intuition tells me that Mr. Brady might have sent that locket to Jan.

(She takes a key from her purse and opens the door to his office.)

Carol (entering the office): Oh, Alice, I can’t wait to see his typewriter.

Alice: Why?

Carol: Oh, that’s right, you don’t know about the clue. Well, all the Y’s in Brady, way and city were lower than the rest of the letters on Jan’s package.

Alice: Oh.

Carol: Oh, I hope my female intuition works.

Alice: Here, let me do that, Mrs. Brady. I used to be pretty good at typing.

Carol: Ok, Alice, hurry up. (Alice starts typing while Carol looks on.) Now is the time for all… Oh, Alice, get to the y, the y.

Alice: I’m getting to it, Mrs. Brady. (She types some more.) Country, there.

Carol (disappointed); Oh, there goes my woman intuition. The Y is perfect, just like all the other letters.

(A security guard enters the office)

Guard: Well, what do we have here, huh?

Alice: Two startled women.

Guard: Or two surprised typewriter thieves.

Carol (offended): Typewriter thieves?

Guard: There’s a ring been working this building, but I didn’t know they used dames for fronts.

Alice: We may be dames, but we’re not fronts.

Guard: This building closes at 8:00, and this office is supposed to be locked.

Carol (defensively): Well, I have a key to the building that also unlocks this office.

Guard: Oh, how did you get the key?

Carol: Well, it’s a duplicate. This is my husband’s office, Mr. Michael Brady.

Guard: Does he know you’re here?

Carol: Well, no.

Alice: He thinks we’re out buying me a coat.

(The guard takes out an address book and picks up the phone.)

Carol: Oh, what are you doing?

Guard: I have Mr. Brady’s home phone number in this book. I think I’ll just call him and ask him if he knows anything about a dame masquerading as his wife.

Carol: Oh, I wish you wouldn’t.

Guard: I’ll bet.

Guard: Look, officer, I think I can explain everything. You see, my daughter received this locket with no card attached.

Alice: On a typewriter that dropped it’s y’s.

Carol: And, well, I think my husband may have sent her the locket.

Alice: So we came here to see if his office typewriter dropped it’s y’s.

Guard: You know something? I believe you.

Carol: You do?

Guard: Sure, you’d have to be nuts to make up a story to see that.

(Meanwhile, Greg and Mike are in the den. Mike is typing.)

Greg: what are you doing?

Mike: Something deceitful and sneaky, of which I am highly ashamed.

Greg (looking over his shoulder): Typing the alphabet on Mom’s portable.

Mike: You were the one who discovered that dropped y in the address on Jan’s label.

Greg: Yeah.

Mike: Well, with your mother gone to help Alice buy a coat, doing a little sleuthing here.

Greg: Huh, you think Mom sent the locket to Jan?

Mike: Well, you know, I don’t know anymore. This is the only typewriter she ever uses and it’s in perfect condition.

Greg: Well, don’t you trust her?

Mike: Of course I do.

Greg: Well, wouldn’t she tell you.

Mike: Sure she would, unless she had a logical reason not to.

Greg: Like what?

Mike: Greg, to a female mind, anything is logical. I’m going to take this back and put it where your mother keeps it. Oh, listen, now mum’s the word, okay, Greg. Man to man.

Greg: Okay, mum’s the word. But you’re right.

Mike: Hmm?

Greg: It was sneaky and deceitful and something of which you should be highly ashamed.

Mike: I am, I am, and when it’s all over, I’ll tell your mother what I did.

Greg: When it’s all over, Dad?

Mike: Yeah, she’ll understand.

(He takes the typewriter and goes to put it back.)

Greg: I’m beginning to think we’ll never know who sent the locket to Jan.

(That evening, Mike and Carol are in their room, getting ready for bed.)

Mike: No luck with the coat, huh?

Carol: The coat?

Mike: Yeah, the coat that you went to buy Alice.

Carol: Oh, that coat, yeah. Oh, well, we didn’t find anything.

Mike: Oh.

(He climbs into bed.)

Carol: What happened here?

Mike: Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.

Carol: How was Jan?

Mike: Oh, she was fine when she went to bed.

Carol: Well, any late developments on the locket?

Mike: Well, we weren’t exactly swamped with people telling us they sent it, if that’s what you mean.

Carol: Well, something will turn up tomorrow.

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: Well, what do you say?

Mike: I say warmly and affectionately, good night, Mrs. Brady.

(He kisses her.)

Carol: Good night, Mr. Brady. I’ll just finish this chapter.

Mike: Oh, okay.

(Meanwhile, Jan is in bed and realizes she lost the locket.)

Jan: Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

(Carol and Mike run inside.)

Mike: What is it, Jan?

Carol: What in the world is the matter?

Jan: My locket, it’s gone. I wore it to bed a couple of hours ago and something woke me up and I found out it was (Pause) gone.

Carol: Are you sure you wore it to bed?

Jan: Yes, I wore it to bed every night since I got it.

Mike: Are you positive you wore it tonight?

Jan: Positively positive.

Cindy: It’s gone, all right.

Jan: My beautiful little locket, no card or return address, gone, as mysteriously as it came.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene begins in the boys room.)

Greg: We got a real mystery on our hands, fellas.

Peter: Yeah, first the locket arrives, then it disappears.

Greg: Any suggestions?

Bobby: I got one.

Greg: Yeah.

Bobby: Maybe somebody took it.

Greg: Of course, dum-dum, but who, what, where, when, why and how?

Bobby: I just had a suggestion. I don’t know all that junk.

Peter: Hey, what about us trying to solve this just the way they do on detective shows on T.V.?

Greg: Great idea. (He climbs up to the top bunk with Peter.) They always round up all the characters and then re-create the crime.

Peter: Right, we’ll do it all over again, just the way it happened.

Bobby (from the bottom bunk): Hey, don’t we have to get the locket back first before we do it all over again.

(Greg gives a bewildered look. Then he tells Mike about their plan down in the kitchen.)

Mike: A re-enactment of the what?

Greg: Of the crime, Dad.

Mike: What crime?

Greg: Whoever stole Jan’s locket.

Carol (coming in): Oh, we didn’t know Jan’s locket was stolen, Greg.

Greg: What else could’ve happened to it? Everyone’s looked everywhere for it. That’s why I thought we’d have a re-enactment of the crime, if it’s okay with you. Like they solve things on TV.

Mike: You mean a re-enactment of the events leading up to the crime.

Greg: Yeah, Dad, I guess I do.

Carol: Yeah, but we know that everyone was in bed that night.

Greg: Not everyone, Mom.

Mike: Oh. (He gets up from his chair) What do you know that your mother and I don’t?

Greg: Well, I know that Peter and I were just getting back after raiding the refrigerator, when Jan let out that shriek.

Carol: And the others?

Greg: Well, I think we should let each one speak for himself, or herself. After they learn their constitutional rights. Everything they say may be used against them.

Mike: Looks like we have Perry Mason Jr. in the family.

(The next scene has Carol questioning Cindy about her whereabouts the previous night.)

Carol: Cindy, you were asleep when Jan’s locket vanished, weren’t you?

Cindy: No, Mommy, I wasn’t.

Carol: Where were you?

Cindy: Standing out in the hall?

Carol: In the hall? Why?

Cindy: I thought I heard a noise under my bed.

Carol: What kind of a noise?

Cindy: Well, like a mouse.

Carol: Cindy, I have never seen any mice in this house.

Cindy: Well, maybe they see you first, and scram.

Carol: Why didn’t you come and get me?

Cindy: I was going to and Jan hollered and, well (Pause) Honest.

(Next, Carol is questioning Marcia.)

Carol: Marcia, you were asleep the night Jan’s locket did its vanishing act, weren’t you?

Marcia: No, Mom, I wanted to make you think I was asleep, but I wasn’t really.

Carol: Oh?

Marcia: Well, I was studying for an English test in bed.

Carol: Studying for what?

Marcia: The English test I had the next day. I’m not doing too good in English.

Carol (correcting her grammar): Well.

Marcia: See, well anyway, that’s where I was when Jan yelped.

(Next, we have Mike interrogating Bobby.)

Bobby: I know you thought I was asleep, Dad, but I wasn’t.

Mike: Well, we know that Greg and Peter were in the kitchen and Marcia was in bed studying and Cindy was out in the hall. Just exactly what were you doing?

Bobby: Brushing my teeth?

Mike: At 10:00 at night?

Bobby: I forgot earlier and teeth can’t tell time.

(We next go into the kitchen, where Mike and Carol are now questioning Alice.)

Mike: This is a routine question we’re asking everyone, Alice. Were you asleep when Jan’s locket did its fade-out?

Alice: No, I wasn’t asleep, Mr. Brady. I was writing a letter to my sister.

Carol: In your room?

Alice: No, in the family room. Nobody else was there, I hope you don’t mind.

Carol: Oh, we don’t mind at all.

Mike; That is, if you don’t mind doing a repeat performance in the family room tonight.

Alice: What’s up, Mr. Brady?

Mike: The boys think we ought to do a re-enactment of the events leading up to the crime, see.

Carol: With everyone doing exactly what they were doing the night the locker disappeared.

Alice: Well, if you want my unsolicited opinion, I think the boys are watching too much TV.

Carol: Well, that may be so, Alice, but at least they’re trying to do something constructive.

Alice: I’ll go along, back to the family room and another letter to my sister. She’ll drop dead, two letters from me in the same century.

Carol: In the same week, the re-enactment is scheduled to take place at 10:00 tonight.

Mike: On the dot.

Alice: Well, in that case, we’d better synchronize our watches.

Mike: Oh, yeah.

(That evening, Mike and Carol are in their room, just as they were the night Jan lost the locket.)

Mike: Well, here we are, right where we were when it happened.

Carol: Hey, you know something, Mike.

Mike: What?

Carol: I think I could learn to like the re-enactment of crimes.

Mike: Ooh, groovy, Mrs. Brady. Hey, we ought to have one of these every night.

(He kisses her.)

Carol: Come on, what were we talking about?

Mike (suddenly realizing): The coat, that you and Alice didn’t buy.

Carol: Oh, yeah, that coat. Listen, were you nuzzling me like this?

Mike: Well, there can be a little leeway in re-enactments.

Carol: A little leeway? Come on, what really went on around here the night Alice and I were gone?

Mike: Oh, everything was just completely peaceful.

(Greg and Peter come back from the kitchen.)

Peter: Hey, this is a phony re-enactment, last time we stole fried kitchen.

Greg: It doesn’t matter, we get to eat again, don’t we.

(They get into bed and Greg notices Bobby in the bathroom.)

Greg: Bobby, Bobby, get to bed.

Bobby: I’m brushing my teeth.

Greg: Put that down and get to bed.

(Bobby throws the toothbrush and runs to bed. In the girls’ room, Marcia is doing homework and Jan is struggling to stay awake.)

Marcia: You’re supposed to be asleep.

Jan: I know. But how can I be asleep when it’s almost time for me to scream?

Marcia: Well, why don’t you try, close your eyes and count sheep or something.

Jan (closing her eyes): One sheep, two sheep.

(Back in the boys room, Peter is also trying to stay awake.)

Peter: What do you suppose is going on?

Greg: I don’t know, but we better stay here.

Bobby: Can’t I even spit out the toothpaste.

Greg: Why didn’t you spit it out in the bathroom?

Bobby: You said we had to do just what we did before. I didn’t spit now, because I didn’t spit then, and you know something?

Greg: What?

Bobby: It’s hard to talk with your mouth full of toothpaste.

(Meanwhile, Alice is in the family room writing another letter, whereas Mike and Carol are still in their room. We cut back to the boys room.)

Peter: The suspense is killing me.

Bobby: So is the toothpaste.

(Suddenly, Jan lets out another scream.)

Jan: HEY! Oh, I just remembered something!

(Carol and Mike come running in.)

Carol: You just remembered what, Jan?

Jan: That’s why I screamed, only it wasn’t a screamy scream, it was a happy scream.

Mike: It was still a scream, what happened?

Jan: Well, you know I’ve been wearing this whistle around my neck instead of my locket.

Carol: Yes.

Jan: Well, um, what’s happened is what I remembered. I completely forgot about the little bear.

Mike: The little bear?

Jan: Yeah, the night my locket vanished, all the starts were out, jillions of them, like tonight.

Carol: And you stopped at the window to see if you could see the little bear.

Jan: Yeah, and you know what you said, Mom?

Carol: Yeah, that maybe the clasp broke and the locket just fell off.

Jan: Yeah, so if it did, it might have fallen off here while I was looking at the little bear. (She finds it down in the vines.) And there it is!

Mike: Jan, wait a minute. Where?

Jan: Right there.

(Mike reaches down and finds it.)

Jan: Oh, my beautiful little locket.

Mike: Found in the ivy, outside the window.

Greg (coming in the room): Dad, did you find it? Did you find it?

Mike: Yeah, in the vines underneath the windowsill.

Greg: Hey, that’s great. That means the re-enactment really worked.

(Alice comes in.)

Mike: Yeah, I guess it did.

Alice: Oh, that’s good news, Mr. Brady. That sure is good news.

(The next morning, Jan is having cereal and talking to Alice, who just finished popping a toast.)

Alice: You look radiant.

Jan: This is the happiest morning of my life, after the happiest night of my life.

Alice: Because you got the locket back?

Jan: Of course. And if I hadn’t been looking for the little bear, I would’ve never found it.

Alice: It was the re-enactment who did it.

Jan: I thought the re-enactment was a lot of fun.

Alice: It was better after Bobby spit out his toothpaste.

Jan: Did you ever finish that second letter to your sister?

Alice: Well, I just pretended to write that second letter, Jan, because my longhand is so bad.

Jan: Your longhand?

Alice: Yes, even I can’t read it. Jan, you’re growing older.

Jan: What’s that got to do with anything, Alice?

Alice: Well, there’s something I’d like to explain to you, which I think you’ll understand, and which I want to keep secret just between the two of us. You stay here, I’ll be right back.

(Next, we see Jan using Alice’s typewriter. She notices the y in Brady is lower than the rest of the letters)

Jan: Alice, you mean you typed my name and address on the label on that package?

Alice (nodding): The same way I typed that first letter to my sister, on that beat up old portable I keep in my closet.

Jan (happily): Then you sent me the locket.

Alice (smirking): I’m the guilty party.

Jan: That was a wonderful thing to do. Why didn’t you say so?

Alice: Well, that’s what I wanted to explain to you, and what I want to keep a secret. You and Peter are the middle kids in this family, but he’s a boy, and it doesn’t make so much difference.

Jan: Sometimes I get a little jealous of Cindy because she’s the baby, and sometimes Marcia bosses me around.

Alice: That’s what I’m talking about. See, I know what it is to be middle, because I’m a middle sister, just like you. I was born between Emily and Myrtle, Myrtle was the baby and Emily did the bossing.

Jan: Did your mother and father love you as much as them?

Alice: Oh yeah, yeah. It was just that every now and then, I got the feeling that I was nothing very special because I wasn’t the oldest and I wasn’t the youngest. You know what I mean?

Jan: I know what you mean.

Alice: Well, that’s why, even though I never play favorites with any of you kids, from one middle sister to another, you know, that favorite aunt gave me that locket for the same reason.

Jan: Oh, Alice, you’re, you’re just too much, that’s all.

(She gives Alice a big hug.)

Alice: That’s enough, Jan. Now, this battered old typewriter has a date with a screwdriver. And nobody but you and I will ever know that for a few days you were, something special.

Jan: Alice, as long as I have this locket, I’ll always feel like I’m something special.

(Jan stands there and smiles as the scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Jan running in the den with a new gift.)

Jan: Mom, Dad, guess what just arrived all the way from Alaska!

Mike and Carol: A totem pole!

Jan: How did you know?

Carol: And I bet there was no card attached.

Jan: How did you know that, too? Were you expecting a totem pole with no card attached?

Mike: In this family, who knows what to expect. (Jan starts laughing.) I didn’t think I was that funny.

Jan: I was thinking about something else, Dad.

Carol: What, honey?

Jan: That I’m a middle girl on the totem pole.

                   THE END

untitled locket 2

S1 E24 The Grass Is Always Greener

untitled suggestion

 The Grass Is Always Greener

Written by David P. Harmon

Carol and Mike switch their household jobs to see just how much easier the other one has it. Will they succeed, or will they discover the grass isn’t always greener on the other side? Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BEADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

(The episode begins with the boys coming into the house from playing baseball in the backyard. Alice throws each of them an apple.)

Alice: Hey, Tinkers, Evers, Chance.

Bobby: Who?

Alice: Who? Tinkers to Evers to Chance, That’s the greatest double play combination in baseball.

Greg: Cool, when was that?

Alice: Oh, about (Pause) Oh yeah, I don’t even tell my mother how old I am. Keep moving.

Mike (coming in after them): Oh, Willie Mays gets $125,000 a year and he’s underpaid.

Alice: Water, milk or plasma?

Mike: Water.

Carol (coming in the kitchen): You okay, honey?

Mike: Yeah, just pooped, that’s all.

Carol: Oh, the sandwiches ready, Alice?

Alice: Yeah, all set.

Mike: Hey, you going someplace?

Carol; Marcia’s nature study badge.

Mike: Oh, that sounds like fun.

Carol: Fun? We’ve got exactly 4 hours to fins and identify 11 kinds of trees, 10 types of plants, 6 wildflowers and 3 noxious weeds.

Mike: Well, that still sounds like fun.

Carol: Fun? This is hard work.

Mike: Oh, Carol, hard work is an hour in the hot sun with three growing boys.

Carol: Ha-ha. Playing baseball with the boys is fun compared to this.

Mike: Eh, you woman just don’t understand.

Carol: Alice, what are we going to do about him?

Alice: We? Last time I got between a man and his wife was the last time I got between a man and his wife.

Marcia (yelling): Mom, we’re ready.

Carol: Coming girls. (to Mike) Bye, dear. (She kisses him.)

Mike: Bye.

Carol: See you later. (She leaves.)

Mike: You know something, Alice? I could jog around the block four or five times, then take a nice, cold shower, if it weren’t for one thing.

Alice: What’s that, Mr. Brady?

Mike: I can’t get out of the chair.

(Alice helps him out of the chair and the scene fades out.)

(The next scene has Mike and Carol in the bedroom, with Carol telling Mike how her day went.)

Carol: Then naturally, Cindy had to fall into a stream and Jan had to go in after her, and I would up getting completely soaked.

Mike (starting to brush his teeth): Well, it just goes to show that the modern woman is totally incapable of dealing with (Pause) If she followed the example of her grandmother, she’d be far better off.

Carol: Well, I certainly can’t argue with that.

(He goes into the bathroom and she takes out a book.)

Mike (getting into bed): Honey, if I hadn’t spent the whole morning playing ball with the boys, you’d get all my sympathy.

Carol: Do you realize that in the past month, I’ve had to help Marcia get her water fun badge, her foot traveler’s badge, her gypsy badge, and this morning, her Daniel Boone badge. and at the same time, keep two other girls occupied.

Mike: Well, at least it’s a variety.

Carol: Do you know in how many different directions three spirited girls can move at the same time?

Mike: Three.

Carol: Three hundred, and next Saturday while you’re playing in the backyard, oh, Marcia’s cooking badge.

Mike: Honey, they’re girls, the gentler sex. Now, three boys are…

(The next day, they are continuing the argument in the kitchen with Alice.)

Carol: Much easier to handle.

Mike: They are like heck. What’s more exhausting than playing ball with three young boys?

Carol: Chasing after three young girls.

Alice: You two are beginning to repeat yourselves.

Carol: Alice, he won’t listen to logic.

Mike: And she won’t listen to hard facts.

Alice: If you’re both so sure you’re right, next Saturday why don’t you simply switch jobs.

(Carol and Mike look at her with bewilderment.)

(Next, we go up to the boys’ room, where they are awaiting a talk from Mike.)

Greg: I wonder why Dad wants to see us.

Bobby: I didn’t do it.

Peter: Didn’t do what?

Bobby: Whatever it is Dad wants to see us about.

(Mike come sin the room.)

Mike: How’s it going, boys.

Bobby: We won’t do it again, honest.

Mike: Relax, guys, nobody’s done anything. However, there is one thing I would like for you to do.

Peter: Anything, Dad.

Mike: Next Saturday morning, instead of me, Mother is going to help you with baseball practice.

Greg (shocked): Dad, she’s a girl, a female.

Mike: You noticed that too.

Peter: We’ve got to get ready for Little League. You were going to help us practice bunting.

Mike: It’s just for a few hours, one Saturday.

Greg: This calls for a vote, right?

Mike: Wrong, wrong. Boys, I’m simply trying to show your mother that helping girls is a cinch compared to helping boys.

Peter and Bobby: Oh.

Greg: Well, that’s different, right fellas?

Peter and Bobby: Right.

Mike: Good. Carry on, men.

Greg: Okay, Dad. (He and the guys are gloating) Mom will find out how tough it is.

(Cut over to the girls room, where Carol is having the same discussion with them.)

Carol: Girls, have I got a surprise for you.

Jan: Oh, what is it?

Carol: Well, actually, it’s really for Marcia, and I know she’s gonna be so happy about it.

Marcia: What?

Carol: Well, next Saturday, Daddy’s going to help you with your cooking badge.

(Marcia lets out a disgusted sigh.)

Cindy: Marcia doesn’t look very happy.

Marcia: Mom, Alice won’t even let Dad in the kitchen.

Carol: But that’s the point. Sometimes a man has to be taught just how difficult it is to be a woman.

Jan; How tough it is to be a woman?

Cindy: It’s easy for me.

Marcia: I think I know what you mean, Mom.

Carol: Aw, then you’ll do it?

Marcia: If that’s what you want.

Carol: Oh, thanks dear.

(Carol leaves the room but Marcia still looks unhappy.)

(Next, Mike and Carol are downstairs in the living room, reading the paper.)

Carol: Well, I think I’ll get ready for bed.

Mike: Feel all right?

Carol: Yeah, just a little touch of a headache.

Mike (getting up from his chair): Well, then, sleep’s the thing. (He kisses her and helps her get up from her chair.) Besides, I have a little work to do before I turn in.

(They walk over to the staircase.)

Carol: Well, good night, dear.

Mike: Good night, honey.

(She goes up the stairs and he goes in the den. When Carol goes upstairs, she gets a few books on baseball entitled Rudiments of Baseball, Tips from Ruth to Mays and Baseball: The Art of Offense and Defense. She takes one of them and starts to read it. Meanwhile, Mike looks for some cooking books in his den. They were known as How to cook in 30 easy lessons, Cooking can be fun and You too can be a chef. They both read from the books at the same time.)

Carol: Men on first and third, with one out, the batter must…

(We cut over to Mike reading.)

Mike: Pour a cup of vinegar into…

Carol: The catcher’s mitt, this is the best way to hide signals from…

Mike: The salt and pepper. always make sure to properly season every…

Carol: Umpire. He must not allow the pitcher to touch his fingers to his…

Mike: Pot. always remember that too many onions or too much garlic…

Carol: Will keep the shortstop away from the third baseman.

Mike: One cup of sugar, one half cup of white vinegar. One tablespoon of chopped green pepper.

Carol: Bat held high behind right ear. Weight on right foot. Hips horizontal to flight of ball.

(The next scene has Carol meeting the boys outside in the backyard to play ball.)

Carol: Ah, good morning boys.

Boys: Good morning, Mom.

Carol (noticing a mitt): Well, mind if I use one of these.

Greg: Sure, it’s a baseball glove.

Carol: Yeah, I know. Well, your Dad told me you were going to work on bunting practice today. Okay if I, uh, play first base?

Greg: Oh, Mom, that’s third base.

Carol: Right. (She runs over to first base.) All right, men. Now I’m going to give you the art of defense against the bunt. Now, the first baseman breaks for the plate, the second basemen covers first. The third basemen breaks for the plate, and the shortstop covers second, Got it? (Bobby goes to bat.) Okay, Bobby boy, let’s bunt that ball. Atta way, boy, atta way. Come on, sweetheart, atta way to go, atta way. (He hits the ball but Carol falls trying to catch it. She gets embarrassed.) That, boys, is called an error.

Greg (laughing): Yeah, that’s what it’s called, all right.

(Next, Carol is showing the guys another bunting procedure.)

Carol: Boys, pay close attention. I’m going to show you the proper stance in executing a bunt. Ready? Okay, now, the right foot is in the back, left foot is in the front. Bat is held high behind right ear. Hips are pushed forward. Put your weight on your right foot, flex your left knee. Place your left (Pause) Elbow, toward left field and your right elbow in. Now, put your head back, hold your stomach in, and point your toes, out.

Greg: Okay, let’s see you hit it.

Carol: Sure.

Greg: Ready?

Carol: Yeah.

(Greg pitches the ball to her. She strikes out and falls. Peter and Bobby laugh to each other. Next, she goes over something else with them.)

Carol: Now, boys, very often a bunt is used in a squeeze play, so that a man can steal home base.

Greg: Could you show us how, Mom?

Carol: Oh, sure, nothing to it. Now the correct procedure is to slide into home base to avoid being tagged. Okay. just watch this now. Clear out of there, Peter. Okay, you ready? (She slides into home base but falls flat on her back.) See, nothing to it.

(The guys try helping her up.)

Alice (coming out): Apple turnovers, for anybody who wants them.

(The boys unwittingly drop her and run inside the house. After they finish, Greg taps Bobby and they go upstairs. Carol come sin the house, sore and humiliated.)

Carol: Alice, is Mr. Brady around?

Alice: No.

Carol: Good.

Alice: Marcia gave him a list to take to the market for things she needs for her cooking badge.

Carol: Oh, what I need is a hot bath.

Alice: Then I’ll draw one for you.

Carol: Alice, I feel so stupid. Mr. Brady’s going to have a cinch compared to this.

Alice: Well, Mrs. Brady, why don’t you just wait and see.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike coming home from the store, with bags of items for Marcia’s cooking badge.)

Alice: Want me to put that stuff away?

Mike: Yeah. While I get the rest of it.

Alice: You mean there’s more?

Mike: Well, I wanted to make sure I got everything. Marcia didn’t specify which kind.

Alice (pulling potatoes out of the bag.) Idaho potatoes, new potatoes, red potatoes, sweet potatoes, so much for my 7 day diet. (She empties the other bag.) String beans, lima beans, navy beans, they must’ve been out of kidney beans. (She finds another bag.) I’m gonna be terribly disappointed if these turn out to be (She realizes what they are.) Kidney beans.

(Mike comes back in with two more bags.)

Mike (setting them down): That does it.

Alice: Customer Mart must look like a disaster area now.

Mike: Marcia has to cook a meal for our whole family, you know.

Alice: Family? There is enough here to feed Cleveland, Ohio.

(Upstairs, a very sore Carol is sitting down and struggling to undress and get into the bath.)

Alice: That tub is good and hot, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Oh, thanks, Alice.

Alice (taking out some creams and soaps): Now, you can use any one or all of these. I got deep heat, wet heat, muscle relaxer, ointment.

Carol: Alice, Alice, I’m stuck.

(Alice helps her out of the chair.)

Alice: I told you, keep moving, keep moving.

Carol: How can I? Every single, solitary muscle in my body is aching.

Alice: You’ll be fine in no time.

Carol: Oh, Alice, how long is no time?

Alice: Including outpatient treatments, about four months.

Carol: Oh, if Mr. Brady ever finds out about this, I’ll never hear the end.

Alice: Believe me, he will never know.

Carol: But I can’t stand up, I can’t sit down, I can’t..(Alice has Carol sniff a foul smelling deodorant.)

Alice: That’s why he’ll never know, you put this stuff on, he won’t get within two miles of you.

Carol (sarcastically): Oh, thanks a lot, Alice.

Mike (calling to her): Carol! (He comes in.) What’s the matter, honey? You okay?

Carol: Oh, I, uh, I was just getting ready to take a bath.

Mike: Uh-huh. How did it go this morning?

Carol: Did you, uh, see the boys?

Mike: No, the boys were gone before I got back.

Carol: Great, I mean, it went just great. I taught them everything they ought to know.

Mike: Yeah, well, I just want to remind you to stay out of the kitchen, honey, because, that’s my job.

Carol: Okay, I’ll stay out of the kitchen.

Alice: She’ll force herself.

Mike: I’ll see you later.

(He leaves the room and Carol sighs in pain again.)

Carol: Alice, help.

Alice: Come on, come on.

(She helps her into the bathroom. Mike is downstairs with the girls, as he prepares to help Marcia.)

Mike: Marcia, I got everything you wanted. You know, sometimes I wasn’t sure so I got quite a bit.

Marcia: We saw you carry it in.

Mike: Yes.

Jan: You’re strong, Dad.

Mike: Now, uh, Jan’s gonna have to do this next year so how about letting her watch.

Marcia: Okay.

Jan: Hey, thanks.

Mike: And I think it would be a nice gesture if we let Cindy.

Marcia: Oh, do we have to have the baby here?

Cindy (coming from the family room): I’m not a  baby.

Mike: Come on in, Cindy.

Cindy: Did somebody call me?

Jan: You were snooping.

Cindy: I was not too snooping, I was listening. (to Mike) I promise I won’t get in the way.

Marcia: Okay.

Mike: Okay, come on, Cindy, on the step stool. (She sits down) Jan, you’re where you can see everything. (Alice comes out of her room.) Oh, Alice, you can have the rest of the afternoon off.

Alice: Well, I’d like to watch, okay?

Marcia: If you promise not to help.

Alice: Cross my heart.

Mike: Okay. Okay, Marcia, now, what’s on the menu.

Marcia: I thought we’d start with chilled tomato juice.

Mike: Hmm, that’s a good choice, yeah.

Cindy: Yuck.

Marcia: Got a better idea?

Cindy: Ice cream.

Marcia (to Mike): I told you she was a baby.

Cindy: I’m not a baby.

Mike: Cindy, now you promised to be quiet, right?

(Cindy quiets down.)

Marcia: after the tomato juice, with lemon,  (She and Cindy stick their tongues out at each other.) Egg salad, French fried potatoes, breaded veal cutlets, string beans. Did you get the string beans?

Alice: Oh, we’ve got string beans, lima beans, navy beans.

Mike: Go on, Marcia.

Alice: And kidney beans.

Marcia: And for dessert, cake with chocolate frosting.

Mike: Hey, yeah! Okay, madam, the kitchen is yours.

(Marcia takes milk and Mike gets an apron from the closet and puts it on. She sets the milk on the table, then gets a couple more items, while Mike is sitting on Jan’s lap and they watch.)

Mike: Hold it.

Marcia; What’s wrong?

Mike: Marcia, look, no organization. See, now, that’s the trouble with women. You should only go to the refrigerator once and take out everything you need, see. Wait a minute, I’ll show you. (He goes to the refrigerator and takes a bunch of items out at once.) String beans, lettuce, mayonnaise for the salad, and, eggs.

(He drops the eggs and slips on them. Marcia screams.)

Cindy (clapping): That was funny, Daddy.

(Marcia helps him get back up.)

Mike: Well, if an accident does occur, you clean it up, immediately.

Alice: I’ll do it.

Mike: It’s my accident. I’ll clean it up.

(He gets some paper towels.)

Alice: Mr. Brady.

Mike: No, I’ll do it.

Alice: But Mr. Brady.

Marcia: Mom uses a mop for that.

Alice: So does Alice.

Mike: I’ll use a towel.

(He grabs a coupe of paper towels and cleans the mess. Next, we have him showing Marcia the electric mixer.)

Mike: Marcia, you knw, the proper way to do that is with an electric mixer.

Marcia: I never used an electric mixer.

Mike: Oh, it’s simple, wait a minute. (He pulls it out.) This thing was invented for the sole reason of making life easier for women, see. Now, (he takes Marcia’s bowl filled with chocolate cake.) We just put the bowl under here, and turn it on. (Alice smiles as Mike makes his attempt. He realizes a mistake he made.) Oh, first we have to plug it in.

(The girls scream as he sets it wrong and makes a huge mess. The batter of the cake fizzles all over the kitchen. Next, Marcia is making veal cutlets.)

Marcia: Now, all I have to do is make this breading for the cutlets.

Mike: You know, you need a bigger bowl for that. There’s one over here in the cupboard.

Alice: Careful, Mr. Brady, I stacked a lot of things up there.

Marcia: Be careful, Daddy. The floor may still be slippery from all the eggs.

Mike: No, I cleaned it up.

(He fell with a bunch of things stacked in the cupboard along with him.)

Marcia, Jan and Cindy: Oh, Daddy.

(Later, Mike studies the large mess he left behind.)

Mike: I did all this?

Alice: In under two hours. That’s a new Olympic record.

Mike: Well, I might as well clean it up.

Alice: I’ll help you.

Mike: No, I did it, I’ll clean it. And with a proper sense of male organization, it shouldn’t take more than (Pause.) Two days. No, no, 15 minutes.

Alice: Oh, 15 minutes to clean up this mess?

Mike: And that includes mopping the floor.

Alice: Go.

(Mike takes the mop and bucket out of the pantry. He puts the bucket in the sink and puts bleach in it. He then checks it to see if the water’s hot enough and he used enough bleach. He sets it on the floor and begins to mop.)

Mike: I work better a capella.

(Mike continues to mop.)

Alice: Mr. Brady.

Mike: Alice, I’m doing this.

Alice: Yeah, but Mr. Brady, I just…

(Mike slips and lands head first into the bucket.)

Mike: Alice, what were you trying to say?

Alice: When that floor gets wet, it’s slippery.

Mike: Thanks, Alice.

(Later on, Mike and Carol are in their room, lamenting over their day and struggling to get dressed for dinner.)

Carol: How are you doing?

Mike: Well, okay, I guess. How about you?

Carol: Oh, pretty good, I guess.

Mike: Spending the afternoon with three girls isn’t as easy as I thought it was going to be.

Carol: Well, playing ball with three boys isn’t exactly a breeze either.

Mike: See?

Carol: Honey, could you, uh, zip me up?

Mike: Yeah, I’ll try.

(He successfully zips her dress.)

Carol: Thanks.

Mike: Well, it’s like the saying goes, the grass is always greener in someone else’s backyard.

Carol: Well, I guess we both learned a lesson.

Mike: Right.

(They start to hug.)

Carol: Oh, honey, it’s not that I don’t love you, but, uh, my arms are stiff.

Marcia (calling from downstairs): Mom, Dad, dinner’s ready.

Carol: We’ll be right there.

(The kids are downstairs at the table waiting for their parents to join them.)

Peter: Hey, I’m hungry, where’s Mom and Dad.

Marcia: They’re on their way down.

Bobby: Good, I’m hungry too.

Greg: Listen, you guys won’t be so hungry when you taste the dinner, Marcia made it, you know.

(The guys laugh.)

Marcia: Wait till you taste it, smarty.

Cindy: It’s delicious.

Greg: Well how do you know?

Cindy: I helped her.

(Carol and Mike come down the stairs.)

Jan: Oh, here come Mom and Dad.

Mike: Hi, kids.

Carol: We’ll be right there.

Cindy: Mommy looks funny.

Bobby: So does Dad.

(They painstakingly move to the table.)

Greg (pulling Carol’s chair out): Here, I’ll get it, Mom.

Carol: Thanks, honey. Thanks, thanks very much.

Mike: Hey, the table looks marvelous, Marcia.

Alice (bringing the meal out): Now, here’s the dish that ought to get two awards.

(She sets it down.)

Greg: Hey, that doesn’t look bad.

Peter: It even looks pretty good.

(Alice pulls Mike’s chair out.)

Mike: Thanks, Alice.

Alice: Don’t mention it.

(Mike groans as he sits down.)

Bobby: Dad, can I have the rolls?

(Mike gets them and passes them to Bobby, albeit with some pain.)

Carol: May I have the milk, Mommy?

Carol: Sure. (She takes the milk and pours it for Cindy, with agony. She spills some on the table.) Sorry.

Jan: This is great, Marcia.

Maria: Thank you.

Greg: This is good.

Peter: Yep.

Bobby: Real neat.

(When dinner is over, the kids start to get up to leave.)

Mike: You kids are excused if you want to leave.

Carol: Marcia, it was delicious.

Greg: It was a great meal, Marcia.

Marcia: Thank you.

(Mike removes a napkin from Bobby’s chair as the kids get up to go outside. Carol helps Cindy remove a napkin.)

Carol: Here, dear, I’ll help.

Cindy: Thank you. (to the other kids) Wait for me!

Mike: Honey, I am sore all over, I can’t move a muscle.

Carol: You want to now something, neither can I. It’s worse now than it was before dinner.

Mike: It’s because your muscles have stiffened up, so have mine. (He calls) Alice! Help.

Alice: Don’t say another word.

(She helps Carol out of her chair.)

Carol: Oh, thanks, Alice.

(She goes to help Mike.)

Mike: No, I can make it.

Alice: You’re sure now?

Carol: We’ll be fine.(to Mike) Come on, Gramps.

Alice: Good night, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Good night, Alice.

Mike: Good night, Alice.

(She starts to clear the table off as Mike and Carol go upstairs.)

Alice (coming out to collect more dishes): Good night, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Good night, Alice.

Mike: Good night, Alice.

(They continue up the stairs and Alice gets some more dishes.)

Alice: Good night, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Good night, Alice

(They are still climbing the stairs and Alice gets some more dishes.)

Alice: Good night, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Alice, what’s good about it?

Mike: Never mind, Alice.

(The scene fades out with them still climbing the stairs and Alice still clearing the table.)

(The final scene has Mike and Carol in the kitchen, discussing their next chore with the kids.)

Mike: Certainly was a delicious dinner Marcia cooked last night.

Carol: Well, next Saturday, she has to work on her sewing badge.

(She hands him a banana.)

Mike: Yeah, next Saturday, I promised the boys we’d play football.

Carol: Well, I guess I’ll have to make patterns, cut material, sew and hem, stitch and line.

Mike: Yeah, just sitting around with Marcia, sewing for a couple of hours.

Carol: You make it sound like a breeze.

Mike: Well, it’s certainly not as tough as playing football with three boys.

Carol: Ha.

Alice: May I make a suggestion?

Carol and Mike: Forget it!

                      THE END

untitled cooking badge

S1 E23 To Move Or Not To Move

untitled bigger house

To Move or Not To Move

Written by Paul West

The Bradys decide to sell their house in favor of buying a bigger one. Let’s see how that turns out . Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

BERT GROSSMAN, real estate agent

MRS. HUNSAKER, Mr. Grossman’s client

(The episode begins with the sound of rock n’ roll music. It is coming from the girls’ room, where Marcia is getting ready for bed. Greg knocks on the door to her room, but she can’t hear because of the loud volume. after a few more knocks, Greg angrily storms in and Marcia screams.)

Marcia: Why don’t you knock before you come in!

Greg: I almost knocked the door down, you’re playing your records so loud, you’re knocking the plaster off the walls!

(They continue shouting at each other until Carol comes in.)

Carol (turning the music off): All right, all right, what happened up here?

Marcia: He came into this room when I was dressing! He didn’t even knock or anything, he just barged in!

Greg: I did so knock, I pounded on the door!

Carol: What did you want?

Greg: To get into the bathroom.

Carol: Through the girls’ room?

Greg: The other door is locked. They always forget and leave it locked on the inside.

Marcia: So do you guys, and then we can’t get in.

Greg: And those girls are always in the bathroom.

Marcia: There are three of us.

Greg: Well, there are three of us too, and they use our closets.

Marcia: Girls have more clothes.

Carol: Kids, please.

Greg: Mom, we need a bigger house.

Marcia: With another bathroom.

(Carol gives a puzzled look as the scene fades out.)

(The next scene has Carol downstairs in the living room with Mike. She tries to discuss the issue with him, but Mike is too preoccupied with some fireplace hardware to take the matter seriously.)

Carol: Well, I think the kids have a point, darling. I mean, after all, you have added a wife and three kids and you still have the same number of rooms.

Mike: I think these threads are worn.

Carol: There are six kids and two bedrooms.

Mike: You know, I may have to have this thing rethreaded.

Carol; And one bathroom.

Mike: I paid a lot of money for these, too.

Carol: Mike, you are not listening to me.

Mike: Oh, of course I’m listening honey, I’m a man of many talents. I can fix andirons and listen to wives at the same time.

Carol: Then what do you think about a bigger house?

Mike: Carol, we talked about this before, and I know we have a problem. But we’ve even looked at other houses and we could never find one that we can agree on or afford. And I think, until we do, we just can’t make a change. We absolutely can’t.

(Meanwhile, upstairs, The bathroom door is locked and Greg and the boys need to get in there.)

Greg: Okay, locked again. (He knocks loudly) Will you please unlock this door? (He knocks angrily some more, then turns to his brothers.) You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna break this door down.

Peter: Dad’ll kill you.

Greg: That’ll still leave five kids and give you a little extra room. (He knocks again.) Marcia, will you unlock this door?

Jan: It’s not Marcia, it’s Jan and I’m doing my hair.

Greg (to the guys): Doing her hair? (to Jan) To go to bed? There are three men out here waiting to brush their teeth! (He knocks some more) Open up, open up right now!

Jan: No, Greg, no, just stay out of here!

(Carol and Mike hear it from downstairs)

Carol: The larger house we haven’t found or can’t afford, did you say absolutely?

Mike: Yes, absolutely. But not positively. (He laughs)

(The next scene has Carol in the kitchen talking to Alice about the prospect of moving.)

Carol: Well, Alice, the kids do need more bedrooms, and we do need another bathroom.

Alice: The old McIntyre house up on the hills has lots of rooms. it’s old but can be fixed up. It’s been for sale for years.

Carol: I wonder why they’ve never been able to sell that house.

Alice: the same reason the McIntyres moved out, it’s haunted.

Carol: Haunted? Oh, Alice.

Alice: I knew the cook, he said a lot of weird things went on up there. Voices in the night, chains rattling, lights going off and on.

Carol: Now, Alice, surely you don’t believe that nonsense.

Alice: The cook did, left the McIntyres flat.

Carol: And you know as well as I do that there are no such things as ghosts.

Alice: Maybe not, but they were never able to explain those voices. Eerie voices, calling, calling, calling.

Mike (shouting): Carol!

Carol: I do wish he wouldn’t do that. (She comes out to the living room) Oh, honey, you scared me. (She gives him a big hug) Oh, I’m glad you’re home.

Mike: Hey, you’re gonna be even gladder when you hear the news. You remember that old house in Woodley Hills, that we had our eye on but hasn’t been on sale?

Carol: The green one with the gables?

Mike: No, the white one with the shutters.

Carol: Oh, that one. yeah, I loved it.

Mike: Yeah, it came on the market. I made an offer this afternoon.

Carol: Oh, who’s going to dig the tunnel into the mint?

Mike: The financing’s all figured out.

Carol: Really?

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: Well, thank goodness we don’t have to knock off your grandfather.

Mike: No, honey, listen, it really isn’t that much. Property values have gone up so much, we ought to make it up in the profit off of this one, see. I talked to Bert Grossman, the real estate broker. He says no problem.

Carol: You, you’re serious about this. I mean…

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: This is for real?

Mike: Cross my heart and hope to make the payments. Bert’s coming over tonight to sign some papers about listing this house “For Sale”.

(The next scene has him talking to the kids.)

Mike: And besides the extra room in the other house, it’s gonna be a very exciting experience, because you’re going to be making new friends, you’re going to go to a new school and you’re gonna be closer to the park.

Carol: The real estate man is coming to look at this house tonight, so you better have your rooms picked up.

Mike: Yeah, okay, so what do you say? New home for the Brady bunch, okay?

(All the kids cheer.)

(Next, the girls are in their room discussing the process of moving.)

Jan (to Marcia): Do you think they’ll sell this house right away?

Marcia: Sure, it’s a real nice house.

Jan: It gives me a funny feeling, to think of someone else in our room. Even thought it hasn’t been our room very long.

Marcia: It does sort of, I wonder if it’ll miss us.

Cindy: I feel sorry for it.

Marcia: Don’t, some nice girls will move in.

Cindy: What if it’s a mean old man.

(Cut to the boys’ room, where they are discussing the same situation.)

Bobby: I wonder what it will be like living in the new house.

Peter: That’s a dumb question.

Bobby: Well, we never lived any place else but here.

Greg: It’ll be just like this, only better ’cause there’s more rooms.

Peter: We’ve had some fun times in this house.

Greg: Yeah.(Pause) Hey, Pete, remember the night you ran into the bathroom door and they had to take four stitches on your nose?

Peter: Yeah, and the dent’s still in the door.

Greg: And the time Bobby tried to climb up the television lead in.

Bobby: Yeah, and the antenna came down and hit me right on the head.

Peter: You had a bump on your head for three weeks.

Greg: What about the time I fell off the garage roof.

Peter: Right through the top of Dad’s new convertible.

Greg: I busted three ribs on the gearshift handle.

Peter: Oh, boy.

Greg: Yeah. (laying back ) We’ve had some good times in this house.

(Cut back to the girls’ room.)

Jan: It’s going to be kind of lonesome without the boys.

Cindy: Nobody to talk to.

Marcia: Nobody to fight with, nobody even to pound on the bathroom door.

Jan: if you never had three brothers before, you’d probably miss them more when you don’t have them than if you had three brothers before.

Marcia: What?

Cindy: She means we’ll feel like orphans.

Marcia: Orphans don’t have mothers and fathers, not brothers.

Cindy: Then what are you when you don’t have brothers?

Jan: Lonesome?

(Cut back to the boys’ room.)

Peter (to Greg): You know something? I really like this house better than the other one.

Greg: We haven’t even seen the new one yet. Dad says he’s gonna have it renovated.

Bobby: I won’t live in a house that’s renovated.

Greg: You don’t even know what the word means.

Bobby: I don’t care, I like it here.

Peter: So do I.

Greg: it’s unanimous.

Bobby: Good, I know what unanimous means even if I can’t pronounce it too good.

(Next, Mr. Grossman, the real estate agent, comes to discuss the deal with Mike and Carol.)

Carol (hearing the doorbell): Alice, that’s Mr. Grossman, the real estate broker. now, when he comes through, try to look happy. (Alice gives a fake happy look.) Happy, not hysterical. (The bell rings again and Carol and Mike go to answer it.) Honey, does the house smell like cabbage to you?

Mike: No, honey, the house smells fine, looks great. (They answer the door) Hi, Bert, come on in.

Grossman (shaking Mike’s hand): Hello, Mike, nice to see you.

Mike: You remember my wife, Carol?

Grossman: Why, sure, nice to see you again. (He walks into the living room) Oh, say, this is a beautiful room, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Thanks, I’m afraid we’re really going to miss it… everything.

Grossman: Well, the other house is nice, too, with a lot more space.

Carol: I know, Mike’s taken me through it.

Mike: Yeah, half a dozen times. No, it’ll be fine.

Grossman: What about this house? Have you talked it over? Shall I find a buyer?

Carol: Yeah, guess so.

Mike: Yeah, we’re ready to sell, Bert.

(The kids look on from upstairs, albeit sadly.)

(Next, Carol is in the kitchen telling Alice about the new house.)

Carol: And in the other house, the kitchen is bigger and yellow, bright yellow.

Alice: How depressing.

Carol: Yellow, depressing?

Alice: This whole thing kind of depresses me, Mrs. Brady. I got my routine all worked out here. I don’t know if I’ll be able to function someplace else.

Carol: But, Alice, you will function, won’t you? I mean, just because we’re leaving, you’re not gonna leave.

Alice: Me, leave the Brady family? You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried. I’m a 120 pound boomerang.

Carol: 120 pounds?

Alice: More or less. I’m going to take some cookies in to Mr. Brady, before the kids get a radar fix on them and it’s good-bye Charlie.

Carol: That’s very thoughtful of you, Alice, but Mr. Brady isn’t home tonight. Remember?

Alice: Come to think of it, there was an empty place at the dinner table.

Carol: You know, he has meetings in town almost every night this week. (She and Alice hear a scary moan.) What was that?

Alice: It sounded like a cow died in the driveway. (They hear the noise again) Now it sounds human. Like somebody in agony.

Carol: Alice, that doesn’t sound human.

Alice: Oh no, inhuman.

Carol: Alice, that’s not what I meant. Greg’s in the next room, i’m going to ask him if he heard something.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, you forgot the good-bye Charlies.

(They head into the family room, where Greg is watching television. Carol turns it off.)

Greg: Hey, what gives?

Carol: Greg, Alice and I were just talking in the kitchen.

Alice: We sure were.

Carol: And we heard something.

Alice: We sure did.

Carol: It was something like a moan.

Alice: It sure was.

Carol: Did you hear anything?

Greg: Nope, I was watching TV.

Alice: That’s why he didn’t hear it, Mrs. Brady. That inhuman moaning.

Carol: Alice, will you stop that?

(They hear it again.)

Alice: That’s the inhuman moan.

Greg: That’s Tiger howling at the moon.

Carol (sitting down): Well, thank goodness we still have a man around the house.

(They make one more noise as the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Bobby and Cindy running down the stairs scared out of their minds. They’re screaming Mommy and Daddy and run up to Carol.)

Cindy: That terrible noise woke us up.

Bobby: What do you suppose it was?

(They hear the sound of a door creaking loudly)

Alice: Or is?

Carol: Well, sometimes a loose board will make a house creak.

Cindy: You sound just like Daddy.

(They hear the same caking noise accompanied by a loud bang.)

Carol (groping for an answer): It’s, it’s probably the wind, b-banging against the shutters.

Alice: That be a good guess, Mrs. Brady, if there was a wind or we had shutters.

(The scene fades out.)

(The next scene has Carol, Mike and Alice in the kitchen.)

Mike: Hey, nice and steady, Alice? Mrs. Brady told me how upset you were last night.

Alice: When I finally got to sleep, I slept like a rock. A frightened rock. Before I got to sleep, did you hear that strange creaking?

Carol: I certainly did, Alice. Mike, there’s got to be some explanation for all these strange sounds.

Mike: I didn’t hear any strange sounds.

Carol: Yeah, you got home after they stopped.

Alice: Well, there is an explanation, all right. The ghost in the McIntyre house has got tired of living alone, and moved in where there is more action.

Mike: Alice, even if you’re joking, that’s absurd.

Alice: Well if I’m not joking, it’s not absurd. You should have heard those kids this morning before they left for school. They were scared as I was.

Mike: Every house settles a little bit, especially after the rainy season. These odd little noises you heard are probably just that.

Alice: You and I certainly have a different opinion of what are odd little noises, Mr. Brady.

Carol: Mike, when a house is settling, does it kind of, uh, uh, moan and rattle?

Mike: Moan and rattle? Well, every house has a distinctive way of settling honey, yeah.

Alice: All I got to say is I sure hope our new house is settles before we finally get there. (She takes something out of the oven and the lights in there blink.) Oh, no.

Mike and Carol: Now what?

Alice: The the light in the oven, it’s blinking something in Morse code. I’ll I’ll bet the word is trouble.

Mike: I’ll bet the word’s defective switch. I’ll check it later.

Alice: How about sooner? There’s something about an oven winking at me that gives me the creeps. (She closes it.) Mr. Brady, I sure wish you were going to be here tonight to hear some of those strange little noises for yourself.

Mike: I wish I was, too, but it’s simpler to meet these new clients downtown.

Carol: Well, listen, my friend, if we hear any more of those strange noises, you are going to get an emergency phone call.

(The next scene has Alice watching television in the family room with the kids. Bobby gets up to turn it off.)

Bobby: Boy, did that sheriff have guts.

Alice: Yeah, most sheriffs do.

Bobby: You really got to have them to live around here anymore.

Cindy: All those icky noises.

(They hear a loud bang.)

Jan: That wasn’t an icky noise, that was a crash.

(They hear the same noise again.)

Peter: And that was another.

Alice: Peter, go out on the patio and have a look around and see what happened.

Peter: Me?

Alice: Yeah, you’re one of the men in this family.

Peter: I’m only the middle boy.

Alice: Okay, I’ll go look.

Peter: Not alone, Alice, I’ll go with you.

Alice: At a boy.

(Alice turns the television back on as she and Peter head outside. Carol comes in.)

Carol: I thought Alice was in here with you.

Jan: She’s out on the patio, with Peter.

Bobby: There was a terrible noise outside, Mom.

Cindy: It sounded like a knight in shining armor fell down.

(Carol goes outside to join them.)

Carol: Alice. (Alice turns around frightened.) Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you. Is that McIntyre banshee on the loose again?

Peter: There’s something out here, Mom.

Alice: Three very definite crashes.

(Greg and Marcia come over.)

Greg: I’ll say there were.

Marcia: Greg was helping me with that flat tire on my bike when we heard them.

Carol: Maybe Tiger’s wrestling with those garbage cans again.

Greg: No, it can’t be. Tiger’s sleeping in the house tonight.

Carol: In the house, why?

Marcia: He was getting spooked by those funny noises.

Alice: Just like everyone else.

Peter: After all, he’s only human.

(Another crashing sound occurs and they all yell four.)

Carol: I think we’d better take another look around.

Alice (afraid): All of us?

Carol: There’s safety in numbers. Come on, Alice.

(They all start looking around the outside of the house.)

Carol: Listen, I think the only thing out here are four very vivid imaginations.

Peter: With good ears.

Alice: Remember what you told Mr. Brady, if we heard any strange sounds tonight, he was going to get an emergency call?

Carol: Alice, you have just read my mind.

(The next scene has Mike in the office on the phone with Carol.)

Mike: Darling, I told you there is no possible way that I can keep the house from settling. No, honey, look, just relax, now, my client is a little late but I’ll be home as soon as I can.

Carol (from the house): Okay, honey.

Mike: Okay, good-bye.

(He hangs up.)

Carol: Bye.

Alice: What did he say?

Carol: He said for us to relax. now, Alice, you go on to bed. You were up late last night, and besides, all the kids are tucked in.

Alice: Well, what about you?

Carol: Well, I’ll just ghost sit until Mr. Brady comes home.

Alice: Well, I’ll keep you company.

Carol (laughing): Alice, I’m a big girl and I’m well able to take care of myself. Now, you go on to bed. Scram, get some shut-eye, shoo. (As Alice gets up, they hear another sound of the house settling.) Well, it looks like, here we go again.

Alice: If this house is settling like Mr. Brady says, it is certainly settling for a long stay.

(The next day, Mr. Grossman returns to further discuss the deal with Mike and Carol.)

Mike (hearing the bell ring): I’ll get it, honey. (He answers the door for Mr. Grossman.) Hi Bert, come on in. (He shakes his hand.) What’s the good word?

Grossman: Well, the good word is good, I may have a buyer for you.

Mike: Hey, make any difference to him if the house moans and groans and creeks, and has unexplained slamming doors?

Grossman: Do yo mean to tell me that this house you built and bragged about for so long is beginning to shiver its timbers?

Mike: No, no, all highly exaggerated, Bert. The family thinks its haunted.

Grossman (sarcastically): That’s marvelous.

Mike: Oh, don’t worry about it. Listen, when the man of the house is gone, as I have been for the last few evenings, I’ll tell you, two women and six kids can hear every noise in the world that ever existed.

Grossman:  Oh, I am relieved. I mean, haunted houses just aren’t selling well these days.

Mike: Bert, the only thing haunting this house is the last rainy season.

Grossman: You mean it leaks?

Mike: No, no, it’s just settling a little. You know, creaking, like every other house in the neighborhood. Bert, there’s not a crack in this plaster.

Grossman: Well, that’s good, because my one client, Mrs. Hunsaker, who liked the house from the outside, would like to drop by this evening and take a look at the inside. And I’d like them both to be together when she sees them.

Mike: Don’t worry, Bert, they will be.

Grossman: Good, well, I’ll be back with her then about 8:00.

Mike: Well, I’ll try to be here then too, this is the last evening I have to work downtown for a while, but Carol will be here, of course.

Grossman: all right, well, I’ll see you then.

Mike: Okey doke. (He sees him out.) Bye, Bert.

Grossman: Bye.

(Peter is at the top of the stairs listening in. All the kids meet in the boys’ room, with Greg instructing them how to further rig the house to scare away the potential buyer.)

Greg: All right, now you’ve all heard Peter’s report. Tonight is going to be the night. Mr. Grossman will be here with his client at 8:00. I’ll handle the tape recorder and play the tape with the unexplained noises. Peter, you’re in charge of white sheets and ghostly appearances. (Peter nods in agreement.) Jan, you’re on slamming doors and windows. Marcia, outside crashes. (Marcia nods.)

Bobby: What about me and Cindy?

Greg: You did a great job of acting scared last night with Mom and Alice. Report to Peter for spectral duty.

Cindy: What does that mean?

Greg: Peter will explain it to you.

Peter: If you explain it to me.

Greg: Ghosts, ghosts!

Marcia: Do you really think we should do it anymore. I mean, Mom and Dad really want to sell the house now.

Greg: And it’s because of us, isn’t it?

Jan: And we’re still us, aren’t we?

(Next, Mr. Grossman is at the house with Carol. they are showing his client. Mrs. Hunsaker, around the house.)

Mrs. Hunsaker: My, it is attractive, isn’t it.

Grossman: A quality house all the way through, Mrs. Hunsaker.

Mrs. Hunsaker: Yes, I can see that. Oh, I love that staircase, and there’s a marvelous place for my grand piano. Of course, I’ll want Mr. Hunsaker to… (They hear another scary moan.) What in the world was that?

Grossman: Oh, maybe some wind through the willow grove.

(There is another crashing sound. Alice is in her room in her robe, doing up her hair and sporting a frightened look.)

Mrs. Hunsaker: That was no wind through a willow grove.

Grossman: Would you believe steeple chimes?

Carol (jokingly): Well, at least you’ll always be able to tell what time it is.

(Alice is in her room and hears another creepy moan, as well as repeated clinking and crashing. She screams and runs out.)

Mrs. Hunsaker: Explain that, Mr. Grossman.

Grossman: All houses settle a little, Mrs. Hunsaker.

Carol: You know, my husband, Mr. Brady, is an architect, and he’s always telling me that houses do settle just a little bit.

(Meanwhile, Alice gets a anti-witchcraft charm and makes a wish.)

Alice: Now look, ghost be gone anti-witchcraft charm, if you ever worked, work now.

(Mike comes in.)

Carol: Oh, Mike, thank goodness you’re home. Mr. Hunsaker, this is my husband, Mr. Brady.

Mike (shaking her hand): Mrs. Hunsaker, hi, Bert. (to Mrs. Hunsaker) Well, have you had the royal tour.

Mrs. Hunsaker: Well, I haven’t seen, but heard, Mr. Brady.

(Alice sees Bobby and Cindy dressed as ghosts and screams in fright.)

Mrs. Hunsaker: That was no house settling.

(She starts to leave.)

Mike: Believe me, Mrs. Hunsaker, there’s a rational explanation for all these noises you apparently heard this evening.

Carol: There is? Oh, yes, there is.

Mike: That sounded like Alice, our housekeeper. She probably saw a, a, a mouse or something.

Grossman: Not a mouse, Mr. Brady. There are no mice in this house, Mrs. Hunsaker.

(Bobby and Cindy come out in their sheets still over them.)

Mike: Excuse me while I catch some ghosts. (He goes up to them and pulls the sheets off them.) Just a second.

Bobby: Hi, Dad.

Cindy: Hi, Mom.

Mike: Well, I might have known.

Mrs. Hunsaker: I must say, you people celebrate Halloween at a strange time of year.

Mike: Mrs. Hunsaker, Mr. Grossman, these are our two youngest ghosts, Cindy and Bobby.

Carol: What are you two doing?

Mike: Listen, what’s behind all this?

Greg (coming out): I guess I’m the head ghost leader.

Carol: Mrs. Hunsaker, this is our oldest son, Greg.

Mike: Who has a little explaining to do.

Greg: You’re not gonna like it.

Mike: That’s right, I’m not, explain anyway.

Greg: When we found out haunted houses weren’t selling so good, we decided to haunt this one.

Mrs. Hunsaker: To, uh, frighten off prospective buyers?

Greg: Yes, ma’am.

Grossman: Well of all the…

Mrs. Hunsaker: No, I think it’s lovely and very touching that children who love their home so much, they’d go to such lengths to protect it.

Carol: You’re very understanding, Mrs. Hunsaker.

Mrs. Hunsaker: Oh, my dear, I raised my own family. Mr. Grossman, I strongly suspect this house is no longer for sale.

Mike: Did you hear that, all you other ghosts? This house is no longer for sale.

(All the other kids cheer but it comes to a halt by a question from Mike.)

Mike: Who put the holes in the sheets?

(The scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Carol coming into Mike’s den with a drink.)

Mike: Oh, num num.

Carol: It certainly is quiet and peaceful now, isn’t it.

Mike: Nothing like putting six spooks to bed to calm a place down. Hey, I just talked to Bert Grossman. You know he took Mrs. Hunsaker over to the other house after they left here. They’re going back tomorrow with her husband. She loves it.

Carol: Oh, honey, that’s great. I’m glad everything worked out so well.

Mike: Those kids…

Carol: Can you imagine them going to all that trouble, haunting the house?

Mike: They had you going there for a while, honey.

Carol: Oh, they did not. Oh, Mike, don’t be silly.

Mike: Yeah, they did. Come on.

Carol: You know I don’t believe in witches and ghosts and all that nonsense.

(They suddenly hear another creaking sound.)

Mike: What was that?

Carol: I didn’t hear a thing. (They hear the sound again.) There, I didn’t hear a thing again.

Mike: Don’t worry, honey. That was the house settling.

Carol: Oh!

(They kiss.)

untitled frightened alice

 

                                 THE END

 

S1 E22 The Possible Dream

untitled diary

 The Possible Dream

Written by Al Schwartz and Bill freedman

Cindy accidentally gives Marcia’s diary to a junk collector. Just after Marcia wrote an entry on Desi Arnaz Jr. Will she be able to retrieve it? Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

HANDYMAN

MR. COLLINS, clerk at warehouse

MR. THACKERY, manager of used bookstore

DESI ARNAZ JR.

(The episode begins with Marcia in the garage. She’s writing an entry in her diary about her crush on Desi Arnaz Jr..)

Marcia: Every time I see him on television, I just feel, wow, Desi Arnaz Jr., he’s so cute. And my dream of dreams is to be Mrs. Desi Arnaz Jr. (She closes the book while beaming.) Until tomorrow.

(She hides the diary behind the sleeping bags and goes inside. Later on, Carol is outside with a junk collector. She just donated some old books for charity.)

Carol: Well, I hope you can get something with these old books.

Handyman: Any kind of salvage is just fine, lady.

Carol (taking one book out): The Flora and the Fauna of Western Australia. That was my husband’s brief thoughtery period.

(Cindy comes out chasing after her ball.)

Cindy: Hi Mom, what are you doing with those books?

Carol: Getting rid of them, and your ball just rolled into the garage if that’s what you were going to ask me next.

Cindy: That’s what I was gonna ask next.

Carol: Well, thanks for your trouble.

Handyman: Thank you for the donation, lady.

(Carol walks away while Cindy goes to retrieve her ball. She finds Marcia diary back there and, assuming it’s a book that Carol overlooked, she takes it to the man.)

Cindy: Hey mister, you forgot this one. (She puts it on top of the other books.) There. You might as well get rid of all the old books.

Handyman: Thanks.

(He walks away with the books and Cindy stands there playing with her ball.)

(The next scene has Marcia going out to the garage to find her diary. She is shocked when it is missing.)

Marcia (upset): It’s got to be here! It’s got to! My diary, my most secret thought. It’s gone.

(Mike comes by with a hose.)

Mike: Hi, sweetheart.

Marcia: Hi.

Mike: You looking for something?

Marcia: Yeah, my diar… No. Nothing at all.

Mike: Nothing, huh. That shouldn’t be too hard to find. Give me a hint, I never looked for a nothing before.

Marcia: Really, Dad. You don’t have to bother.

Mike: It’s no bother. Bigger than a bread box? Animal, vegetable or mineral? Oh, do you wear it or do you eat it?

Marcia: Really, Dad. it’s not that important.

Mike: Well, whatever it is, it couldn’t have walked off by itself. somebody must have taken it.

(Marcia angrily realizes that and goes upstairs to confront Jan.)

Marcia: All right, where is it?

Jan: Where’s what?

Marcia: You know what?

Jan: How do I know which what unless you tell me what what?

Marcia: My diary. Hand it over.

Jan: What would I be doing with your diary?

Marcia: Snooping, that’s what.

Jan: Do I look like the kind of person who would stoop so low as to read someone else’s diary?

Marcia (bitterly): Yes.

Jan: Well, anyway, I didn’t,

Marcia: Are you positive?

Jan: I’m not the least bit interested in your personal secrets, Marcia. (She puts a ribbon in her hair.) But what’s in your diary that you don’t want me to read?

Marcia: Are you kidding? Wild horses couldn’t drag it out of me.

(Next, she goes into the boys’ room. Greg is lifting a weight.)

Greg: Man, it takes real muscle to do that?

Bobby: Can I try?

Greg: Sure.

(Bobby attempts to lift it but can’t)

Bobby: I guess I’m too young to have real muscles yet.

(Marcia comes in.)

Marcia: All right, if you give it right back, I won’t press charges.

Greg: What are you talking about?

Marcia: As if you didn’t know!

Peter: Bobby, do you now what she’s talking about?

Bobby: No. Greg, do you knw what she’s talking abut?

Greg: No. Marcia, do you know what you’re talking about?

Marcia: I certainly do! Somebody in this room took my diary?

Greg (laughing): Young diary? You mean you actually keep one of those stupid things?

Bobby: What is a diary?

Peter: It’s a book, that people write things in, that they don’t want anybody else to read.

Bobby: Why?

Greg: So They can sit down and write stuff like (He sits down to pretend he’s writing an entry) Dear diary, at last I met him, my dream man. it was at the delicatessen, and our fingers tingled as we both reached for the same potato salad.

(Peter and Bobby laugh while Marcia protests)

Marcia: I did not write any ridiculous stuff like that in my diary!

Peter: You didn’t?

Marcia: I should say not.

Greg: Then why are you so worried someone might read it?

Marcia: None of your business. Now look, I’ll close my eyes and count to 10, and when I open them, that diary better be on this desk. (She closes her eyes and counts, getting more excited as she gets close to 10. When she finally opens them, she finds no diary and the guys give innocent looks. She angrily leaves the room.)

(Next, she goes downstairs to the family room, where Cindy is brushing her doll’s hair.)

Marcia: Hi, Cindy.

Cindy: Hi.

Marcia: Are you combing your doll’s hair with my comb?

Cindy: It’s the one you gave me. Remember?

Marcia: Oh, yeah. You didn’t happen to see my diary. Did you?

Cindy: I don’t know if I did or I didn’t.

Marcia: What does that mean?

Cindy: I don’t know what a diary is.

Marcia: It’s a book you write your innermost thoughts in.

Cindy: Gee, I never had an innermost thought in my whole life.

Marcia: It was about this big (She uses her hands to show its size) It had a brown leather cover, and I had it hidden behind the sleeping bags in the garage.

Cindy: Oh, that book. Sure I saw it.

Marcia (happy): You did. (She comes over to her) Oh, Cindy, I could kiss you, what did you do with it?

Cindy: I gave it to that man?

Marcia: What man?

Cindy: The one Mommy gave all those other old books to.

Marcia (upset): Oh, no. Cindy, tell me you didn’t.

Cindy: Okay, I didn’t, but I did.

Marcia: My confidential secret feelings, in the hands of a complete stranger. Cindy Brady, I’ll never talk to you again as long as I live.

(She angrily storms off as we cut into the next scene. She is glumly sitting in the kitchen as Alice takes some cookies out of the oven.)

Alice (to Marcia): How about a cookie?

Marcia: No thanks. I’m not in the mood.

Alice: Since when do you have to be in a special mood for chocolate chips? (She sits down with her) Look, honey, don’t think I don’t know how you feel.

Marcia: Nobody can know.

Alice: For your information, I have been keeping a diary my whole life.

Marcia: You really have?

Alice: I recorded every romance I’ve had in the last 20 years. (Marcia looks at her admiringly) Of course, that’s the shortest chapter in the book. But there are few juicy little items tucked away here and there.

Marcia: Then you might understand.

Alice: I just said I would.

Marcia: I mean, well, if I was gonna tell you something in secret, would you promise to keep it a  secret?

Alice: They don’t call me Alice clam-up for nothing.

Marcia (smiling): Alice, you knw Desi Arnaz Jr.

Alice: Well, you bet I do. I’ve seen him on the Lucy Show.

Marcia: Well, half my diary is about him. How cute he is, how hip.

Alice: Aww, you’re pretty sharp, Marcia. I know his mother’s housekeeper and she says Desi Jr. is a real groovy kid.

Marcia: I knew it. You can tell by his smile, his soulful eyes, the way he plays those drums. (She closes her eyes while fantasizing.)

Alice: Oh, he’s with it, all right. Way out, but not too far.

Marcia: But I haven’t told you my secret secret. I wrote in my diary that, I’m just wild about Desi Arnaz Jr. , and my dream of dreams is someday I can be Mrs. Desi Arnaz Jr. But if anybody ever read that diary, I’d just perish, I know I will.

(Marcia gets up and walks away while Alice gets up and does some straightening out in the kitchen.)

(Next, Mike is in his den when Alice comes in to bring him  a snack.)

Alice: Mr. Brady, I don’t suppose it’s really any of my business.

Mike: Well, even if it isn’t Alice, go on.

Alice: Mrs. Brady has gone to the market and Marcia’s in her room in tears.

Mike: Alice, I tried talking to Marcia but it only makes her cry louder.

Alice: I wasn’t talking about talking, I was talking about action.

Mike: Action?

Alice: The Friend in Need society only picked up those books and Marcia’s diary yesterday.

Mike: And they probably haven’t even had time to unpack them. Is that what you were trying to say?

Alice: Word for word.

Mike: Why didn’t I think of that?

Alice: Well, you probably never kept a diary, Mr. Brady. and you’ve never been a girl.

Mike (looking at his watch): Do you have any idea where that Friend in Need office is located?

Alice: At the corner of Riverton and Eighth.

Mike: Good, I’m on my way.

(He gets up but then returns to grab some cookies that Alice brought to him.)

Next, we see Mike down at the Friend In Need warehouse. He talks to Mr. Collins, the clerk.)

Mike: Your organization made a stop at my home for some cartons of books, and when the man picked up the books, one got in by mistake, and I’d like to get it back.

Collins: That’s no problem. What kind of book was it?

Mike: A diary.

Collins: A diary, huh, (He starts to laugh) No wonder you’re anxious to get it back. You should know better than to leave evidence like that laying around for the little woman to find.

Mike: Oh, no, you don’t understand.

Collins: I do, but would the little woman? Next thing you know, you’ll be sharing the doghouse with Rover.

Mike: It’s not my diary. It happened to belong to a young lady.

Collins: Who, hoh. So your girlfriend keeps a dairy, maybe you better not let your wife find it.

Mike: The young lady happens to be my daughter.

Collins (laughing): Now, that’s a new one. I’ve heard them called cousins and nieces, but daughters. (He laughs again) You oughtta have that pamphlet.

Mike: We seem to be operating on different wavelengths. Look, it’s very important I have that book back. May I have it?

Collins: Why not? it’s your property.

Mike: Good. You just tell me where the books are that came in yesterday and, well, I hope I don’t have to look in every box in the warehouse.

Collins: Oh, you wouldn’t find it there.

Mike: Oh, yeah, why not?

Collins: We send all books out to second hand book stores as soon as we get hem in. (He looks up) and those that came in yesterday went to, uh, Phillips Book Store on 7th Street.

Mike: Thanks.

Collins: And some went to Weblocks on East Elm, and Harbour’s on Belvedere, Eel E. Bookie Trove, Blaydon’s on Riverside, the Valley Book Emporium, Fisher’s Used Books on Byland and the Old Press on Chace Blvd. and Elmo’s Drive-in.

Mike (incredulous): Elmo’s Drive-in?

Collins: Connected to Elmo’s Bookstore.

Mike: Oh. (Pause) Listen, this is quite a list.

Collins: Good luck. Now I hope you get the diary back to your (starting o laugh again) daughter.

(Mike takes the list he has written down and walks out.)

(Next, Carol returns home with groceries.)

Carol (coming in with bags): Alice, did anything spectacular happen while I was marketing?

Alice: You bet. Mr. Brady’s gone down to the Friend in Need office to retrieve Marcia’s diary.

Carol: Well, knowing Mr. Brady, he’ll retrieve it.

(Alice helps Carol with the groceries.)

Carol: That’s an obvious solution.

Alice: It certainly was.

Carol: Well, look, I’ll go spread the good news, okay.

(Carol goes to find Marcia and Alice sorts out the groceries.)

(The next scene has Peter and Bobby in their room wrapping a new diary they got for Marcia. Greg comes in.)

Greg: What are you guys doing?

Peter: Wrapping up a new diary for Marcia.

Greg: A new diary?

Bobby: Real new, we just chipped in and bought it.

Greg: What would Marcia want with a new diary?

Bobby: To write things in nobody will read, like you said.

Greg: A diary’s only important if something’s already in it.

Peter: It has to be new sometime.

Bobby: Yeah, they don’t sell old diaries.

Greg: If you’re gonna start anew diary, you’d may as well start a new life to go in it. (Carol comes in.) Isn’t that right, Mom?

Carol: Uh, don’t ask me, all I heard was someone starting anew life.

Greg: Peter and Bobby want to give Marcia a new diary.

Bobby: And he said diaries are only good if they were already written n.

Carol: Well, I think that’s the way Marcia would feel about it.  The old one’s the one she wants, and Dad’s gone to try and find it.

Greg; Where?

Carol: The Friend in Need office.

Bobby: I hope he finds it.

Peter: Yeah, having sisters who don’t talk to each other sure is stupid.

(She gives Peter a playful shove and leaves the room. She finds Cindy wandering up and down the hallway.)

Cindy: Mommy, what does tresprass mean.

Carol: Tresprass? I think you mean trespass, dear.

Cindy: Whatever it is, Marcia told me not to do it on her property. And how will I know if I’m not doing it if I don’t know what it is?

Carol: Well, don’t you worry about it, dear. I’ll try to straighten everything out.

(She goes into the girls’ room, where has a sign that reads No trespassing, you know who.)

Carol: Marcia, don’t you think you’re carrying this a bit far?

Marcia: After what she did to me, she’s lucky I even let her breathe the same air I do.

Carol: Well, she is your sister.

Marcia: Please, mom, don’t remind me.

Carol (sitting down with her): Guess where Dad is.

Marcia: Where?

Carol: Getting your diary back.

Marcia (excited): Really and truly.

Carol (hugging her): I bet he’s on his way home right now. (Marcia starts to look worried) Oh, you can relax, I’m sure he won’t read it.

Marcia: How did you know what I was thinking?

Carol: One of the many secrets of motherhood, my dear.

(They hug again and Marcia rips up the sign. Carol gives the okay sign.)

(The next scene has Cindy in the family room coloring. Marcia comes in to make amends.)

Marcia: Hi, Cindy.

Cindy: Hi.

Marcia: Want a cookie?

Cindy: No thanks. (She looks up and realizes it’s Marcia) Marcia, don’t talk to me!

Marcia: Why shouldn’t I? After all, you are my baby sister.

Cindy: But I thought you said I ruined your life.

Marcia: You did, but I forgive you. Wanna play a game of checkers?

Cindy: Sure, I’ll go get them.

(Marcia takes over coloring in Cindy’s book and then Mike comes home.)

Mike: Hi honey.

Marcia (excited): Dad, did you get the diary? Did you get it?

Carol (coming in): Oh, honey, did you find it?

Mike: Oh no, it’s in one of the used bookstores downtown. I don’t know which one, I checked a number of them so far.

Marcia (sitting down and getting upset): My diary, in a used bookstore.

Carol (sitting down with her): Now, honey.

(Mike gives a sigh of disgust)

Marcia: My private, most personal emotions, naked on public display, for anyone to see.

Mike: Don’t worry, Marcia, we’re gonna track it down.

Cindy (returning): Here’s the checkers, Marcia. (Marcia gets up and walks away) Looks like she’s not talking to me again, I wish she’d make up her mind.

(She walks out of the room. Mike sits down and talks to Carol)

Mike: Listen, I’m sorry to disappoint her, but, you know, all hope isn’t exactly lost yet. I still have a handful of these bookstores left but it would be easier if I knew what that diary looks like.

Carol: Oh, that’s easily solved. Marcia knows what it looks like and so does Cindy.

Mike: So I take Marcia…

Carol: And I take Cindy and we split the bookstores that are left, and then, back to your drafting board.

(She tears the list in half and gives one half to Mike.)

Mike: We split?

(Carol and Cindy are down at Gilbert’s Books, one of the used bookstores. They meet Mr. Thackery, the manager.)

Thackery: May I help you?

Carol: Oh, I certainly hope so, we’re looking for a diary.

Thackery: You came to the right place. How about Samuel Pepys’ diary, or the diary of Michael Whittlesworth (Pause) or the diary of a madman, now there is fascinating reading.

Carol: I don’t doubt it, but we are looking for a diary written by Marcia Brady.

Thackery (taking his glasses off): Marcia Brady, I never heard of her. Any relation to Nicholas Brady, 1659-1726? Excellent poet.

Carol: I’m sure he was, but Marcia Brady is my daughter.

Cindy: And my sister.

Carol: And her diary got mixed up in some books we gave to the Friend in Need society, and I understand that some of those books might be here.

Thackery: Oh, yes, they’re still in the boxes. I haven’t had time to sort them out yet.

(He leads Carol and Cindy to where the boxes are)

Carol: Well, would you mind if we took a look for the diary?

Thackery: Ooh, not at all. I hope it make interesting reading.

Carol (laughing): Oh, we’re not going to read it.

Cindy: It’s full of secrets.

Thackery: Ooh, all right. You look till your heart’s content.

Carol: Oh, thank you. (to Cindy) Sweetheart, you start over there and I’ll start here.

(They look through the boxes and Cindy finds something.)

Cindy (excited): Oh Mommy, here!

Carol: The diary?

Cindy: Alice in Wonderland, would you read it to me?

Carol: No. We’re here to look for Marcia’s diary.

Cindy: While you read, I’ll look.

Carol: Now Cindy, you must have heard that story a million times.

Cindy: Yes, but going down that rabbit hole is so exciting.

Carol (pointing to the box): Look.

(The next scene has them checking every book in the boxes.)

Carol: Well, I think we’re out of luck, sweetheart, there’s not a sign of it anywhere.

Cindy: Well, don’t throw in the towel, Mom.

Carol: Where did you hear that expression?

Cindy: From Greg. He said that’s what fighters do when they give up.

Carol: Well, we looked in every box.

Cindy: Not this one over here.

(She shows Carol a box behind her)

Carol: Oh, I didn’t notice that one.

(They look through it but can’t seem to find it.)

Cindy: Mom, let’s throw in the towel.

(Carol nods in agreement. Marcia and Mike are at home. Marcia is depressed because they couldn’t find it. Alice is serving them in the kitchen.)

Marcia (to Alice): We didn’t have any luck at all.

Mike: Yeah, even at Elmo’s Drive-in. hear anything from Mrs. Brady?

Alice: Not a word. (The doorbell rings) I’ll get it.

Mike: I just hope the next kid who keeps a diary around here decides to write it on a blackboard. (He laughs)

Marcia: Daddy, how could you make jokes at a time like this?

Mike: Marcia, the world hasn’t exactly come to a catastrophic end, you know.

Marcia: Well, it has for me.

Alice (coming back in the kitchen): Marcia, there’s somebody to see you.

Marcia: Me, at the lowest moment of my life?

Alice: I’m not sure he knew that.

Marcia: He? Who is it, Alice?

Alice: Well, I didn’t catch his name, but he’s waiting in the living room

Marcia: Well, okay. Excuse me.

(She gets up and heads tot he living room.)

Mike: Maybe an unexpected visitor will perk up her spirits a little bit.

Alice: I’m sure this one will, Mr. Brady.

(Marcia is out in the kitchen, where she meets Desi Arnaz Jr.)

untitled desi arnaz jr.

Marcia (gulping); Desi Arnaz Jr.

Desi: Hi, Marcia.

Marcia: You must have the wrong house, Mr. Arnaz, and the wrong Marcia. The wrong everything.

Desi: Now, wait a minute, don’t get uptight. I’ve got the right house, and the right girl.

Marcia: You mean it, Mr. Arnaz? He nods.) I’m the Marcia Brady you wanted to see?

Desi: Yeah, only don’t call me Mr. Arnaz, I’m Desi.

Marcia (happy): I can really call you Desi?

Desi: Right.

Marcia: Thanks.

(Mike and Alice are leaning out form the kitchen.)

Mike: Alice, what would a famous kid like that want to see Marcia for?

Alice: Who knows? Maybe a little bird whispered in his ear?

(Cut back to the living room)

Desi: I heard you lost your diary.

Marcia: How?

Desi: Well, one of your sisters gave it away to some charity.

Marcia: No, I mean how did you hear it? Oh, I know. Alice, our housekeeper told your mother’s housekeeper, and that’s why you’re here.

Desi: No, I’ll tell you why I’m here. I’m here to meet my number 1 fan.

Marcia (flattered): Oh, I sure am. You know, when I was younger, I thought Captain Kangaroo was something special, but compared to you.

Desi (happy): How about that, I never thought I’d top Captain Kangaroo.

(They both smile. Carol and Cindy come home.)

Cindy: Desi Arnaz Jr. Wow.

Marcia: Desi, (She take shim by the arm0 I’d like you to meet my mother, Mrs., Mrs…

Desi: Mrs. Brady.

Marcia (laughing): Yeah.

Carol: Hi.

Desi: Glad to know you.

Marcia: And this is my sister Cynthia.

Cindy: People call me Cindy.

Desi; Hi, Cindy.

Cindy: Hi. Marcia, here.

(She hands Marcia her diary.)

Marcia: You found my diary!

Carol: it was in the last bookshop.

Cindy: And we didn’t even open it.

Marcia: Thanks so much, Cynthia. Why don’t you go upstairs and play with Jan. (Cindy walks away and Desi waves good-bye to her. Then Marcia turns to Carol.) And mother.

(She looks at her like she wants privacy.)

Carol: Oh, I must have a million things to do. It was nice meeting you, Desi.

Desi (shaking her hand): Nice meeting you. Bye bye.

Desi: Bye.

(Carol walks toward the kitchen.)

Marcia: This is it, my lost diary. See.

(She then starts to look embarrassed.)

Desi: Don’t worry about what’s in that diary. That’s one of the nicest things about being in show business. An occasional mention in a diary.

Marcia: And you don’t think it’s silly.

Desi: No, I dig diaries, and girls like you who write their dreams down.

(All the other kids watch from upstairs, while Carol, Mike and Alice watch from the kitchen.)

Marcia: This is the nicest surprise I can imagine. And those are the nicest words I ever heard.

Desi: Remember when you said I topped Captain Kangaroo as far as you were concerned?

Marcia: Yes.

Desi: Well, as far as I’m concerned, I think you’re the tops yourself.

Marcia: Me.

(He kisses her on the cheek.)

Desi: Bye bye.

Marcia (holding her cheek and beaming): I’ll never wash this cheek again, as long as I live.

(The scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Marcia coming home and she still has her hand over her cheek, where Desi kissed her.)

Mike: Hi, Marcia, how was school today. (She ignores him and walks upstairs.) Can I help you with your algebra? How about an ice cream soda.

(She walks upstairs to her room. He has a surprised look and goes over to Carol.)

Mike: How long is she gonna keep this up? It’s been a week since he kissed her.

Carol: Well, after all, he is Desi Arnaz Jr.

Mike: Listen, how come you don’t react that way when I kiss you?

Carol: But I do, I do. (He kisses her on the cheek and she puts her hand over it.) Oh, I’ll never wash again.

(She walks away pretending to beam while mike stands there and laughs.)

 

                                        THE END

untitled never wash my face