S5 E12 The Elopement

The Elopement

Written by Harry Winkler

The Bradys believe that Alice and Sam are eloping. I hope you like the script.











SAM the butcher


GLADYS, woman the Bradys hire for temporary housekeeper

(The episode begins with Marcia and Jan coming home from school. Bobby is paying an organ, albeit very badly. Jan complains to Marcia it sounds trrible. They see him and laugh.)

Bobby: Hi, how am I doing?

Marcia: Well, I don’t know who finally kicked you out of the house with that thing but I’m glad.

Bobby: What do you know about music anyway?

Marcia: Oh, is that what it is?

Bobby: My teacher likes it.

Jan: Then how come she loaned you the organ and told you to practice at home?

(Bobby laughs and plays a key very distractingly as they leave. When the girls enter the house, Alice is on the phone with Sam.)

Alice: Sure I can keep a secret Sam. What’s the secret?

Sam (on the other line in the butcher shop): Well, you met my cousin Clara, huh.

Alice: Yeah, so, go on.

Sam: She wants us to be best man and maid of honor. She’s eloping.

Alice (happily): Eloping!

Sam (annoyed): Alice! I told you this was a big secret. Will you shush.

Alice: I’m shushing. So exciting, Sam, when is it gonna be?

Sam: They elope next Sunday. That way it won’t interfere with our Saturday night bowling date.

Alice: Oh, that’s great. I’d even give up that for an elopement. What a surprise, Sam.

Sam: You see, Alice, as long as you’re gonna be maid of honor, you’ll probably wanna wear sometihng special, right?

Alice: For an occasion like this, I’ll buy the fanciest dress in town.

Sam: Swell. Well, see you Saturday night at 8 for bowling.

Alice: Oh, I’ll be ready, and waiting. (She hangs up. Then she turns around and sees the girls) Oh, hi girls. How was school?

Marcia: Dull compared to what seems to be going on around here.

Alice: Around here. Oh, you mean with Sam.

Marcia: Yeah, with Sam.

Alice: We were just talking about our big bowling date. Sam and I are in the semi-finals of the Mixed Doubles Tournament.

Jan (laughing): Sure you are.

(The girls laugh.)

Alice: We’re talking about bowling.

Marcia: Nothing. We understand, Alice.

(They continue to laugh and Alice walks away.)

Jan (to Marcia): What do you think?

Marcia: What do I think? I know. Alice and Sam are eloping.

Jan: Wow.

Marcia: Wow, wow, wow.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike and Carol in the family room. The girls are telling them what they heard.)

Carol: What makes you think Alice and Sam are eloping?

Marcia: Well, we sort of overheard the phone conversation between them.

Mike: You mean you were eavesdropping?

Jan: No, not at all. Honest.

Carol: Anyway, you two could be jumping to conclusions.

Marcia: But Alice even used the word elope. And she was all excited about it.

Mike: If Alice were going to elope, I’m sure she’d be considerate enough to tell us she was gonna be gone. Unless, of course, Sam were to ask her to keep it a secret for some reason.

Carol: Right. And it’s strictly their own business and none of ours.

Marcia: Maybe Alice just has to be coaxed a little to tell us.

Mike: Girls, if Alice wants to tell us, she’ll tell us.

Carol: Right, Like I said, it’s their own business and none of ours. Snooping is a definite no-no.

(The next scene has Carol and Alice in the kitchen. Carol is showing Alice wedding pictures.)

Carol: Here, here’s Mike and me on our honeymoon, Alice.

Alice: Now, that’s a romantic picture.

Carol: Oh, it was. Did you know our original plan was to elope? Secretly?

Alice: That’s what makes an elopement an elopement.

Carol: Of course we had to change our minds. Well, we figured somebody would find out. Did you know very few people can keep a secret?

Alice: Yeah. Zippers weren’t invented for lips.

Carol: I must say, though, I’ve always been able to keep a secret.

Alice: Good. Like you say, not many people can.

Carol: Well, I mean, if somebody close to me were planning an elopement, she could trust me in plenty, if you know what I mean.

(Alice gets up and then stops.)

Alice: Mrs. Brady, are you concerned that some member of this household is planning an elopement?

Carol: Well, it’s a possibility.

Alice: I suppose so, but as far as I know, Marcia’s not even going steady.

(Mike is at his office when he receives a phone call from Sam.)

Sam: Hello, Mike Brady. Hey, Sam, what can I do for you?

Sam: Well, Mr. Brady, you being an architect and all, I was wondering if I might ask you a question, housewise.

Mike: Sure, Sam, fire away.

Sam: Well, I have this friend who’s planning on getting married.

Mike: Oh, anybody we know?

Sam: No, just a friend of mine. Well, anyway, he doesn’t have a lot of loot so he’s looking around for some nice low-cost housing.

Mike: I see. Well, Sam, now, this friend of yours, when is he planning on getting married?

Sam: Well, the elopement, I mean the wedding, will be pretty quick now.

Mike: Oh, yeah, well, I think I understand. Sam, let me check around with a few brokers and I’ll get back to you, okay.

Sam: Gee, thanks a lot, Mr. Brady. I really appreciate that.

Mike: Ah, not at all. Oh, Sam, would you tell the bride and the groom that my wife, and myself, and all of our children wish them health, and happiness and good fortune.

Sam: Thanks a lot, Mr. Brady. I’ll tell them what you said. Bye.

Mike: Good-bye, Sam.

(He hangs up and smiles to himself.)

Sam (to himself): That was very nice of them to be so happy for my cousin Clara.

(Back at home, Bobby is practicing the organ but not doing much better than before. Peter and Cindy are watching.)

Bobby: How am I doing now?

Cindy: Still sounds awful, but you’re playing a lot faster.

Peter: So it’s awful for less time.

Bobby: Horrity hor hor.

Cindy: If you knew what I knew, you’d be practicing the wedding march.

Peter: What do you know that we don’t know?

Cindy: You promise not to tell anybody else?

Bobby: Doesn’t anybody else know?

Cindy: Sure, everybody knows. But Alice doesn’t know that we know.

Peter: that we know what?

Cindy: That she and Sam are eloping.

Peter: Eloping?

Bobby: Eloping?

(Next, we’re down at Sam’s butcher shop. Reverend Melbourne comes in.)

Sam (to a customer): Thank you very much. (He sees the reverend) And, what can I do for you today, Reverend?

Reverend: Half a pound of ground round. And tell your cousin Clara to be at the house at 8:00, promptly. I have another wedding at 9.

Sam: Half a pound of ground, 8 o’clock sharp for Clara.

Reverend: You want to single to or a double ring ceremony?

Sam: Double. Oh, and I got some nice filet of fresh soul, Reverend. Interested?

Reverend: I’m always interested in the sole, Sam.

Sam: Well, I’ll weigh you up a couple of nice slices.

(Greg and Marcia come in.)

Greg: Hi, Sam. Hi, Rev.

Sam: Hi, kids.

Reverend: Hi, Greg. How are you?

Sam: What brings you by?

Marcia: Alice asked us to stop by after school so we could pick up our order.

Sam: Oh, fine, I’ll be right with you.

Reverend (to Greg): How’s the family.

Greg: Fine, thanks.

Reverend: Good.

Greg: Any good weddings lately, Reverend?

Reverend: Seems like I’m tying more knots than a troop of Boy Scouts, Greg.

Marcia: Do you have any more coming up soon?

Reverend: I never know, Marcia. Seems like it’s open season on grooms.

Sam (getting the meat): Yep, one never knows. Huh, Reverend? Let’s see, that’ll be $3.50.

Reverend: That much?

Sam: Well, like they say, it’s better to give than to receive.

Reverend (giving Sam money): Like they also say, do not covet thy neighbor’s wallet.

(He takes the meat.)

Sam: Bye, bye, reverend. (to the kids) I’ll get Alice’s order or you.

Greg: Thanks, Sam.

Marcia: That really cinches it, Greg.

Greg: The reverend is proof positive.

(Back home, the girls are discussing the matter with Mike and Carol.)

Carol: Cindy, that doesn’t necessarily mean anything just because you saw Alice coming out of Sandrell’s Dress Shop.

Cindy: Yes, but Marcia and Jan heard her say dresses are for a special occasion.

Jan: That’s exactly what she told Sam over the phone.

Marcia: And what about Reverend Melbourne at Sam’s butcher shop.

Carol: What do you think, Mike?

Mike: Well, there’s also that phone call I got from Sam today.

Carol: Oh.

Marcia: What did he want?

Mike: He wanted my help in finding a house for a friend who was getting married soon.

Jan: People always say a friend when they’re talking about themselves and they don’t want anybody to know.

Cindy: That’s what I always say.

Mike: Sam almost let the word elopement slip out once.

Carol: You know something, if this were a trial, I’d think we’ve got enough evidence for a conviction.

Jan: Right. Alice is guilty of marriage.

Marcia: Alice and Sam.

Cindy: Hey, maybe we can buy our meat wholesale now.

Carol: There’s still one thing about this elopement we don’t know. When is it going to take place?

(Alice comes in the room.)

Alice: Excuse me, folks, but Mr. and Mrs. Brady, I was wondering…. (They all turn around and look at her delightedly) Is anything wrong?

Alice: Oh, not at all, Alice.

Mike: What makes you say that?

Alice: Well, the way you were staring at me, I thought maybe I left my face in the other room.

Marcia: Alice, you look positively great.

Jan: Your eyes are twinkling and your cheeks are glowing.

Cindy: You’ll make a beautiful bride (Marcia nudges her) someday.

Alice: Yeah, sure, someday, what I wanted to ask you folks was okay if I take saturday night off?

Mike: This Saturday?

Alice: Yeah.

Carol: Any special reason, Alice?

Alice: Yeah, Sam and I are in a big bowling tournament.

Carol (laughing): Bowling, huh?

Mike (laughing): That’s what the lady said, bowling.

Marcia: She said bowling.

Jan: Bowling.

Cindy: Bowling.

Marcia: Bowling.

Cindy (getting it): Oh, bowling.

(The girls leave.)

Alice (clueless): What’s so funny about the word bowling lately?

Mike: Alice, of course you can have Saturday night off. In fact, you can have the whole day off.

Carol: Alice, we couldn’t be happier about your bowling date.

(We take you to the garage. Bobby is still practicing his organ.)

Alice: What’s that tune Bobby’s trying to play? It sounds vaguely familiar.

Carol: Alice, if you’re thinking of the wedding march, it doesn’t sound like it to me.

Mike: I think I better get him before the neighbors do.

(He goes outside.)

Carol: Honest, Alice, it doesn’t sound a thing like the wedding march.

(Later that night, Mike and Carol are getting ready for bed.)

Mike: You know, I also think Alice should take a week or so off for the honeymoon.

Carol: We’ll insist.

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: First thing in the morning, I’ll call the employment agency and try to get a temporary replacement.

Mike: Yeah.

Carol (worried): Mike, you don’t think Alice will leave us after she’s married, do you?

Mike: Oh, no. I think she would’ve told us by now.

Carol: Well, what puzzles me is why Alice doesn’t tell us about the elopement.

Mike: Well, maybe she and Sam think we’d make a big deal out of it if we knew.

Carol: Of course we’d make a big deal out of it. Alice means a great deal to us.

Mike: Yes, but honey, maybe they don’t want a big reception.

Carol: But it doesn’t have to be a big reception. Just a small family reception. You know, Mike, I was just thinking.

Mike: Uh huh. I kinda figured you were.

Carol: Why, aren’t Sam and Alice gonna be surprised when they walk in on their own wedding reception.

(She turns out the light and the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Alice leaving for the store.)

Alice: Is there anything special you want me to add to the shopping list?

Carol: Well, you might just get a couple extra packages of rice, Alice.

Alice: Okay.

(She starts to leave and the bell rings.)

Carol: Oh, you go right ahead. I’ll get it.

(Alice leaves and Carol answers the door. It’s the new temporary housekeeper.)

Gladys: Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Yes.

Gladys: I’m Gladys Harris. The employment agency referred me for the housekeeping job.

Carol: Oh, yes. Well, the agency said they’d phone before they sent anyone over.

Gladys: I’m afraid that’s my fault. I just happened to be in the area so I thought I’d drop by. I hope it’s not inconvenient.

Carol: Oh, no, not at all. As a matter of fact, you have split second timing, Mrs. Harris. Come in.

Gladys: Ah, you have a lovely home.

Carol: Thank you. I hope you know the job is just temporary. Our housekeeper is just gonna be gone a week or so.

Gladys: I understand. Are their any special requirements?

Carol: Uh, no, just the usual. Housekeeping, cleaning, laundry. But I guess I should mention the fact that we have six children.

Gladys (surprised): Six, six. Well, that’s a lot of diapers under the bridge.

Carol: Happily that’s all behind.

(Gladys laughs hard.)

Gladys: I like you.

(She gives Carol a hard pat.)

Carol (nervously): Why don’t I show you the rest of the house. I think you’ll find the kitchen quite practical, Mrs. Harris.

(Alice comes back.)

Carol (surprised): Alice!

Alice: Hi, Mrs. Brady. I forgot the shopping list.

Carol: Uh, uh, uh, Mrs. Harris. Mrs. Harris, this is Alice Nelson. Alice Nelson, this is Mrs. Harris, uh, uh, Mrs. Harris is an old friend of the family.

Gladys: A what?

Carol: How are Jim and the kids? (Mrs. Harris sheepishly tries to answer) I’ll bet the boys have children of their own by now, don’t they. How is Mary Jane? Oh, well, I remember the good old times the three of us used to have.

Gladys: Good times, oh, yes, wonderful. I,I,I better be going. Old friend.

Carol: Uh, uh, uh, Mrs. Harris, Mrs. Harris, I, I, can’t wait to get together again and relive those good old days.

Gladys: Good old days. Fantastic.

Carol: Be sure to give my love to everybody.

Mrs. Harris: good-bye.

(She gives the strangest look and then leaves. Alice next goes down to the butcher shop to see Sam. They seem to have a difference of opinion in gifts for the newlyweds.)

Sam: Listen, Alice, bowling balls make great gifts.

Alice: Not for a newly married couple. Sam. Nobody wants to strike out on their honeymoon.

Sam: Come on, Alice. What have you got against bowling balls?

Alice: They’re just not sentimental.

Sam: Oh, well, not one of my bowling through for your ordinary one of the new bowling balls. But this is a matched set. His and hers.

Alice: Sam, that is about as romantic a gift as a year’s supply of chalk for their fingers.

Sam: As it turns out, chalk was second on my list.

Alice: That figures.

Sam: Now, listen, Alice, you can always holler about my being late, gripe about the high prices of my meat, hate my neckties. But when it comes to bowling, you got to have a little respect.

Alice: But I got respect for bowling. But Sam, two bowling bowls. If Clara drops our present, she’ll go on her honeymoon with ten broken toes.

Sam: Also, anybody who thinks that bowling balls make a rotten wedding gift doesn’t have a whole lot of taste.

Alice: Oh, is that so?

Sam: Yeah.

Alice: Well, as far as I’m concerned, Clara can elope witohut me Sunday.

Sam: And as far as I’m concerned, you don’t have to go bowling with me Saturday night.

Alice: Well, as far as I’m concerned, I won’t. (She starts to leave and then stops) And as for a couple of other things, let me tell you this, Sam the butcher. You’re always late, your prices are too high, and that is the ugliest necktie I ever saw.

(She leaves the shop. Back home, Mike and Carol are in the den going over some plans.)

Mike: Now this might be the ideal home for Alice and Sam. It’s moderately priced. It’s well-built.

Alice (coming in the den): Excuse me.

Carol: What is it, Alice?

Alice: Well, you remember I asked you for Saturday night off.

Carol: Certainly.

Mike: Well, as a matter of fact, we got to talking about that, and we decided what you really need is a week off. Maybe two.

Alice: Two weeks for a bowling match.

Carol: Well, bowling can be a very strenuous sport, Alice.

Alice: i don’t understand.

Mike: Well, the important thing is, we understand,

Alice: Well, then, maybe you’ll understand what I’m about to say. I don’t even need Saturday off.

Carol: Why not?

Alice: Well, Sam and I had a fight and the bowling date’s off.

Mike: You broke your bowling date?

Carol (concerned): Alice, that is the worst thing I ever heard in my life.

Alice: I appreciate your concern, but it’s only a bowling date.

Mike: But it’s a very important bowling date.

Alice: So it pins ball. Anyway, Sam’s not the best fish in the ocean. Of course, I’m not the best bait, either.

(She leaves the den.)

Carol: Oh, Mike.

(Next, the boys are down at the butcher shop. they try to convince Sam to go back with Alice.)

Peter: Alice is really sorry about everything.

Sam: Did she say so?

Greg: You can read it on her face.

Bobby: Sam, you gotta take Alice bowling.

Sam: It’s that important.

Bobby: It sure is. I can almost play the whole song on my organ.

Sam: What song?

Greg: It’s called shut my mouth blues. What do you say, Sam.

Peter: Please?

(Sam thinks about it for a minute.)

Sam: No, I’m sorry. Alice has to make the first move.

(The girls are talking to Alice. She has the same attitude.)

Alice: Sorry, Sam has got to make the first move.

Marcia: But what if he doesn’t?

Alice: Then I just won’t go bowling with him.

Marcia: Alice, we’re not just talking about bowling. We’re talking about BOWLING.

Alice: Oh, I thought you were talking about bowling. No, the ball is now in Sam’s alley.

Jan: But, Alice, he was meant for you. And you understand him.

Alice: I understand this turkey, too (the one she is cooking) but it doesn’t mean I have to go bowling with it.

(Mike and Carol are in the den.)

Mike: Honey, I am sorry that Alice and Sam had that argument, but I really don’t think we should meddle.

Carol: Not even one little teeny meddle?

Mike: Well, what kind of meddle did you have in mind?

Carol: The kind where you invite Sam over, Alice opens the door, and skyrockets fall.

Mike: Yeah, that only happens on the fourth of July. Besides, I don’t have any reason to invite Sam over.

Carol: Ah, yes. You said you’d call Sam back and let him know what you found out about low cost housing, didn’t you.

Mike: True. But that’s before he and Alice had the argument.

Carol: Yes, but Sam doesn’t know that you know that information was for himself and not for a friend.

Mike: True, but he’ll think I know.

Carol: True, but as long as he thinks you know that he knows and he doesn’t know, that you think that she knows.

(She stops abruptly.)

Mike: You’re about three things I know ahead of me. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t think I know. You know?

Carol: No. (She comes to him with the phone) Mike, couldn’t you just call Sam and invite him over.

Mike: Well, okay. Maybe if we’re this confused, he’ll be too confused to refuse.

(Next, Alice answers the door and it’s Sam. they give each other a cool reception.)

Alice: Yes.

Sam: I came to see Mr. Brady.

Alice: Whom should I say is calling?

Sam: You know darn well whom is calling?

Alice: Oh, now I recognize you, it’s Mighty Mouth.

Sam: Listen to who’s talking. You got a tongue sharp enough to slice salami.

(Mike and Carol notice this from the kitchen.)

Mike (to Carol): What happened to the skyrockets you promised?

Carol: Well, sometimes they fizzle out.

Sam: Now, are you going to invite me in, or does Mr. Brady have to come out here to talk to me? (She lets him in) Thank you. Now, if you’ll just be good enough to announce me.

Alice: Skip the formality, Sam. Just let me have the meat order and you can be on your way tot he sporting goods store to pick up those his and hers bowling balls.

Sam: For your information, bowling balls are out this season. And electric mixers are in.

Alice: Electric mixers?

Sam: Electric mixers.

Alice (smiling): Now, that’s romantic.

Sam: So’s this. (A package he has with him) There’s a little something special in here for you, Alice. 4 extra lamb chops in pink panties.

Alice (pleased): Sam, couldn’t be better if it was 14 karat gold.

Sam: Listen, meat is more expensive than gold today. Well, I just couldn’t figure another way to say I’m sorry.

Alice: I’m sorry, too, Sam.

Sam: Well, then, everything’s on again for Saturday night?

Alice: Everything. Just like we planned it.

Sam: Great.

Alice: And that’s a lovely necktie.

Sam: Oh, thanks, Alice.

Carol (to Mike): There go your skyrockets.

(The next scene has Alice and Sam leaving for their bowling match.)

Alice (to Carol and Mike): well, folks, this is it.

Carol: Sure is, Alice.

Sam: Biggest night of my life.

Mike: Yeah, the big match-up. Huh, Sam.

Sam: Boy, if I survive tonight, there will be no stopping me.

Alice: I’ll be right there keeping score.

Mike: Yeah, well, happy bowling.

Carol: Alice, now you just relax and we’ll keep the house neat and tidy.

Alice: We’ll only be gone a little while, Mrs. Brady.

Sam: Unless I strike out in the first match, then we’ll be home sooner.

Carol: Alice, you take all the time you need.

Alice: Oh, thanks, but Sam can never stay awake very long after we’ve been bowling. Let’s get at it, Sam.

Mike (shaking Sam’s hand): Bye, Sam. take care of our little girl, will you.

Sam: Sure thing, Mr. Brady.

Alice: Be back in a couple of hours.

(They all say good-bye and they leave.)

Carol (to Mike): Be back in a couple of hours?

Mike: Yeah, we got to get everytihng ready by then.

Carol: Yeah, we got to get a move on.

(Alice and Sam come back from bowling. They are outside the house.)

Alice: Thanks, Sam, that was a lot of fun.

Sam: Yeah, it was. Boy, we sure took the Star Shuttle Laundry Team, didn’t we.

Alice: How about a cup of coffee.

Sam: Well, maybe half a cup. You know, we have to get up early tomorrow for my cousin Clara’s elopement.

(They come inside and there is a reception awaiting them. Marcia and Jan turn the lights on and yell surprise. Bobby plays the wedding march and everyone else yells surprise. The kids bring them to the living room where Mike toasts them.)

Mike: Okay, to the newlyweds.

Sam: I’ll drink to that. Who got married?

Mike (laughing): Bowling date, huh?

Carol: To Alice and Sam.

Sam: Alice and Sam?

Alice: Us?

Carol: Alice, we couldn’t be happier.

(The kids insist she makes a speech.)

Alice: Well, I’m sorry, I don’t have a speech for this occasion, mostly on account of because there is no occasion.

Carol (confused): What do you mean, Alice? Didn’t you and Alice elope tonight?

Alice: We never even shook hands. What makes you think we got married?

Carol: Well…

Mike: Circumstantial evidence.

Sam: I got it. (to Alice) I bet they confused us with my cousin Clara.

Greg (surprised): Clara?

Alice: Yeah, Clara is going to elope tomorrow and Sam and I are going to stand up for the bride and groom.

(Carol and Mike are embarassed.)

Carol: Oh, no. Alice. I’m sorry. We thought…

Mike: I think we goofed. Oh, please accept our apologies.

Sam: Oh, sure, we’ll accept your apologies. I’ll also accept a little more champagne.

Mike: Okay, a little more coming up.

Sam: Thank you.

Alice: Sam, as long as we went to al this trouble…

(He puts his champagne down.)

Sam: Alice, say no more. Folks, I have a very important announcement. Tonight, Alice and I advanced to the finals in the bowling tournament.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Alice telling Mike and Carol about the elopement.)

Alice: Cousin Clara never looked prettier. It was the nicest elopement I ever went to.

Carol: Boy, it must have been to move you so.

Alice: Even Sam was affected.We’re engaged.

(Carol and Mike get excited.)

Carol (happy): Alice, congratulations. When’s the big day?

Sam: Well, I got Sam pretty pinned down now. The place, the hour, the date. There’s just one thing he won’t commit to.

Mike: What’s that?

Alice: The century.


S5 E11 The Cincinnati Kids

The Cincinnati Kids

Written by Larry Rhine and Al Schwartz

Mike takes the family to Kings Island amusement park in Cincinnati. Hope you enjoy the script.











MARGE, girl Greg meets at park

2 employees dressed as animals

Employee at park

MR. REMINGTON, park director

(The episode begins with Peter coming into the kitchen, where Carol and Alice are.)

Peter: Isn’t Dad home yet?

Carol: No, he isn’t, Peter, and I suggest you go back to your homework.

Peter: I can’t concentrate since Dad called and said he had a big surprise for us.

Carol: Well, how about surprising him by going back and finishing your homework.

Peter: Okay, I’ll give it another try, but I can’t guarantee the results. (Cindy comes in) He’s not home yet.

Cindy: This is the longest day of my whole life. Nothing to do but homework.

(Bobby comes in the kitchen.)

Bobby: Alice.

Alice: Your Dad’s not home yet.

Bobby: How did you know I was gonna ask?

Alice: Because I’ve never seen you in and out of the kitchen so much without eating.

Bobby: Oh, thanks for reminding me.

(He grabs an orange.)

Carol: Hey, eat that outside. (to Alice) Kids, they’re so impatient.

Alice: Yeah, I’m glad we’re past that stage.

Carol: Right. I mean, if we’ll all just keep cool and calm, he’ll get here when he can, and then he’ll tell us what the surprise is. (He honks to signal he’s home and then Carol screams) He’s here, he’s here, everybody! He’s here!

(Bobby, Jan, Peter and Cindy come in the kitchen as Mike walks in. They all greet him with hellos and he kisses Carol.)

Cindy: Mom told us not to ask you anytihng about the big surprise.

Bobby: So we’re not asking.

Peter: But if you want to volunteer, Dad.

(Mike shows them a couple of cylinders he’s carrying.)

Mike: Well, you know these plans I’ve been working on for weeks?

Carol: Yes.

Mike: Mr. Phillips is sending me to Cincinnati to submit them.

Carol (unenthusiastic): That’s the big surprise?

Mike: There is one other small detail.

Carol: Yeah, what’s that?

Mike: The plans are for a big amusement park, and I thought you’d all like to go with me.

(They all get very excited and cheer. The scene fades away.)

(The next scene has a view of the park, as well as the people walking around it and on the rides. Mike is in his hotel room on the phone with Mr. Remington, the man who runs the amusement park.)

Mike: I’m sure you’ll be more than pleased with the sketches and ideas, Mr. Remington. Yes, well I sort of thought we’d have more… No, sure, sure, I understand, 1 o’clock will be fine. Yeah, well, I look forward to meeting you and Mr. Dempsey. Okay, good-bye. (He hangs up, to Carol) That’s great, we come all the way here and I have a fast half hour for a meeting before they have to catch a plane to New York.

Carol: Well, honey, at least we’ll have all morning in the park with the kids. Hey, where do you want me to put these (blueprints)?

Mike: Let’s put them right here (on the dresser) where we can keep an eye on them.

Carol: Okay. You know, I think this is going to be fun.

Mike: It reminds me a little of our honeymoon. Remember?

Carol: How can I forget? With 6 kids along?

(They start to kiss and all the kids come running in cheerily after seeing the park.)

Peter: You won’t believe all the rides.

Marcia: The park is beautiful.

Greg: So are the girls.

Bobby: Let’s get going.

Carol: Okay, okay, we’ll be right there.

(They run off again.)

Mike: Like I was saying, just like our honeymoon.

Carol: Yeah.

(We see an even better view of the park. The Bradys walk around until they get to the Eiffel Tower.)

Mike: I’ll tell you what, go wherever you like, just remember we meet at the main restaurant at noon sharp.

(The kids take off again but Carol stops Bobby and Cindy.)

Carol: Hold it, hold it. No loading up, you two, on everything insight. We’re gonna have a big lunch, okay.

Bobby: Okay. Good-bye.

Carol: See you later.

Mike: Well, I guess we better get moving too, because I want to see as much of the park as possible before that meeting at 1 o’clock.

Alice: Wee wee monsieur.

Carol: Wee wee? (Alice points) The Eiffel Tower. It makes me feel like a forget.

(The next few scenes have the Bradys touring the park. They are taking rides and checking out other great things. We now come to Bobby and Cindy, eating jelly apples.)

Cindy: You know, I just remembered sometihng.

Bobby: What?

Cindy: Well, Mom told us not to load up.

Bobby: Yeah, that’s right.

Cindy: So, what should we do?

Bobby: Well, Mom said never to waste food, right?

Cindy: Right.

Bobby: Apples are food.

Cindy: So we better not waste them.

(Mike is at the plate breaking counter with Greg and Peter. Peter is seeing how many he can break.)

Greg: All right.

Peter: I broke the most.

Mike: Yeah, and the victor goes to spoil. Spoil includes paying the man.

(He and Greg walk away.)

Peter: Hey, wait.

(An attractive young woman is at the football counter.)

Marge (yelling): Who will be next to throw the ball and win a prize? (Greg passes by) Care to try your luck?

Greg: Hi.

Marge: Hi.

Greg: What do I do?

Marge: You throw the balls through the holes and win a prize.

Greg: Do I get my choice of prizes?

Marge: That depends.

Greg; Well, let’s see how it works out.

(Peter comes around)

Peter: This looks easy, Dad. Let’s try it.

Mike: Peter, I think this is more Greg’s ball game.

Peter: Why? Let’s get in on it.

Mike: Sory, I think you’ve just been benched.

(He leads Peter away from there. We next see Bobby and Cindy having ice cream.)

Cindy: I feel kind of guilty.

Bobby: Why?

Cindy: I keep remembering what Mom said about eating.

Bobby: Well, ice cream isn’t eating, it’s licking. Right?

Cindy: Right, so that doesn’t count, does it.

Bobby: Of course not. When you eat, you have to swallow, this just swallows down by itself.

(Marcia, Jan, Alice and Carol are riding a superslide. We also see a ride called the monster. Greg successfully throws a football through a hole.)

Greg (reaching in his pocket): I’ll take some more balls.

Marge: You’ll wear yourself out.

Greg: Well, I’m gonna keep throwing until you tell me your name.

Marge: Well, to save you a dislocated shoulder, it’s Marge.

Greg: I’m Greg Brady. (She smiles) I think I’ve thrown more footballs than Joe Namath in a whole season. When do you get through here?

Marge: Right about now.

Greg: Great, have lunch with me.

Marge: Oh, sorry, I can’t. I’m filling in for my brother, he’s an animal.

Greg: Aren’t we all?

Marge: I mean, he wears one of those animal costumes and walks around the park greeting people.

(He starts to go.)

Greg: Hey, wait, which animal are you?

Marge: That’s for you to find out.

(She leaves.)

Greg (calling): Marge, Marge!

(We next see the Bradys enjoying some other rides. Then Cindy and Bobby are munching on popcorn.)

Cindy: Eating popcorn really isn’t eating, because we’re just stuck to the prizes. Right?

Bobby: Right. We’ll just work our way through the box till we get to the prizes, because they’re always on the bottom.

(Next, Jan and Marcia are together. Jan just purchased a poster.)

Marcia: Little Nancy will love that poster you bought for her.

Jan: It’s the least I can do after making all that money babysitting for her folks.

Marcia: Yeah, maybe for a loan.

Jan: Yeah, Yogi Bear’s cute but maybe I should’ve gotten a giraffe poster.

Marcia: We better do it later. right now we gotta go meet the others for lunch.

Jan: Hey, let’s go back after we eat.

Marcia: Okay.

(Next, Carol, Mike and Alice are at the main restaurant.)

Mike: Hi, sorry to be late. I stopped by the room to pick up the plans before the meeting.

(Greg running up to them): I just wanted to tell you I can’t stay for lunch. I met a girl.

Carol: Greg, you have to eat.

(He grabs a pretzel from the ashtray on the table.)

Greg: Okay.

Mike: Well, man does not live by bread alone.

(He runs into Peter, who’s come to join them.)

Greg: Hi.

Peter: Hi. Where are you going?

Greg: To see an animal about a girl.

(Peter gets confused by the remark but joins the adults.)

Peter: Hi, boy that roller coaster sure made me hungry.

Alice: How could you tell? I left my stomach back on the roller coaster.

(Bobby and Cindy join them.)

Bobby: Hi.

Carol: Hi, I guess you two kids must be starved too, huh.

Bobby: Uh, well, do they have a child’s plate?

Cindy: Yeah, maybe Bobby and I can share one.

Carol: Didn’t I warn you two about eating everything insight?

Bobby: Yeah, but next time you ought to warn us a lot harder.

Cindy: Yeah, maybe we can eat lunch later.

(Finally, Marcia and Jan come by.)

Marcia: Sorry we’re late.

Jan: It was my fault. I couldn’t decide between a bear and a giraffe.

Marcia: What’s everyone having for lunch?

Mike: Well, we better order. I don’t wanna be late for my meeting.

Jan: Peter, will you kindly get your feet off my poster? You’re gonna ruin it.

Peter: Take better care of it.

Jan: I wish I had somewhere to put it for safe keeping. (She notices Mike’s cylinders) Hey, Dad, do you need both of those?

Mike: Honey, the entire reason for us being here is in these cylinders.

Jan: Oh, well, can your sketches fit into one, so my poster can fit into the other? Please, I have to take it all the way home.

Mike: Oh, I guess so.

Jan: Oh, thank you. (He takes one of his sketches and puts it with the others and puts her poster Thank you, Dad.

Mike: You’re welcome.

(Later, Mike is at the meeting with the board.)

Mike: Gentlemen, as I have indicated, our firm has a concept for a new area in your park, so, for your consideration…

(He notices Jan’s poster in the cylinder.)

Mr. Remington: Something wrong, Mr. Brady? May I see the sketches? (He takes it and is none too pleased to find a Yogi bear poster.) Well, we appreciate your little joke, Mr. Brady.

Mike: I’m, afraid it’s an unplanned joke. I’m sorry, there’s been a mix-up. This is my daughter’s poster. She must have my sketches. Well, that’s no problem. I’ll find my daughter and get them back.

Mr. Remington: But we have to leave in half an hour to catch a plane.

Mike (sheepishly): Well, I hope I can find her by then.

(Next, we see Marcia and Jan on a rowboat and then in a go-car. Then on a water ride. They exit.)

Jan: I have to go back to the poster so i can exchange (She realizes she doesn’t have it) Wait a minute, I lost it.

Marcia: Oh, no. We must’ve left it on some ride.

Jan: It can be anywhere. I’ll have to get another one. Luckily they’re not too expensive.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has the family enjoying another ride. Greg goes to find Marge. He runs into an employee in an animal costume.)

Greg: Marge?

Employee: Do I sound like a Marge?

(He laughs.)

Greg: Sorry, do you kow which animal Marge is?

(He shakes his head no. Greg finds another employee dressed as an animal.)

Greg: Hey, you wouldn’t be Marge, would you? (He takes the head off his costume) Do you know where Marge is? She’s the girl at the football booth who’s filling in for her brother.

Employee: Oh, yeah, she’s inside the employees area.

Greg: Thanks.

(He heads in that direction.)

Employee: Hey, wait a minute. You can’t go in there unless you’re an employee.

Greg: Hey, how would you like to rent me your costume.

(Next, Greg is walking around in the costume. He sees Marge walking by.)

Greg: Hello, there. (She walks by) Hey, hey, wait a minute. It’s me.

Marge: Why don’t you go someplace and hibernate.

(Mike comes by.)

Mike (to Marge): Aren’t you the young girl from the football booth?

Marge: Yes.

Mike: It’s urgent I find my family. You remember my son Greg.

Marge: Very well.

Mike: You seen him?

Marge: No.

Greg: I’m right here, Dad.

(He raises the head of the costume.)

Mike: What are you doing in there? (Greg starts to explain) never mind, shed your skin and help me find Jan, fast.

(He shows his face to an impressed marge. We see Carol and Alice on a ride and they get off.)

Carol: Now, that’s what i call an exciting ride.

Alice: Stop the park, i wanna get off.

(Mike comes to them.)

Mike: Has either one of you seen Jan?

Alice: No, but I just saw my entire life pass me by.

Carol: Is something wrong, Mike?

Mike: Everything. We got our cylinders mixed up. Jan has my sketches.

Carol: I think she’s on her way to the poster shop.

Mike: Come on, we gotta find her.

(They run and Alice stays.)

Alice: Stomach, you stay here and rest. Legs, let’s go.

(We next see Jan and Marcia on another ride. Greg and Alice are waiting outside the poster shop, where Carol and Mike exit.)

Greg: Any luck?

Carol: She hasn’t been here again.

Mike: And I got 10 minutes to find those sketches.

Carol: There she is!

Mike: Jan!

(They rush over to her.)

Carol: Oh, thank goodness you’re here.

Jan: What’s all the fuss?

Mike: No time to explain. (Pause) where are my sketches?

Jan: I don’t have your sketches.

Mike: We got the cylinders mixed. Where are yours?

Jan: Dad, I lost it.

Carol (upset): You lost it?

Marcia: And we’ve been practically all over the park.

Carol: Oh, honey.

Mike: Never mind, we’ll split up and find them. Greg, round up the rest of the kids and we’ll turn the park upside down and return it to the manager’s office, pronto.

(Mike and Carol show up at the lost and found booth.)

Employee: High folks, are you winners or losers?

Mike: No, we’re losers.

Employee: Oh, you’d be surprised what people lose nowadays. I got all kinds of shoes, purses, false teeth, eyeglasses.

Mike: We lost a container.

Employee: Oh, a container. We got a lot of containers. Big day for containers. I got a container of coleslaw. I got a container with a goldfish in it.

Mike: It’s a container just like this.

(He shows him the cylinder that his plans were in.)

Employee: Ah, yeah, oh, are you in luck. I got a container just like that, right here. How about that?

(He takes one out but it’s a black one, as opposed to the yellow one Mike has.)

Carol: No, no, this container had sketches in it.

Employee: Oh, well you better check back later folks. I don’t have it.

Carol: Thank you.

Employee: Okay, bye.

(Marcia and Jan are looking inside go-cars while they’re being driven, on opposite sides of the road they’re on.)

Jan: It’s not any of these.

Marcia: We have to check all of them.

(Alice looks on another ride. However, it starts to go and Alice goes along for the ride. Meanwhile, Bobby and Cindy are outside of a pizza place.)

Cindy: Hey, why are we gonna look in there? Jan didn’t say anytihng about eating pizza.

Bobby: Well, somebody could’ve found Dad’s sketches and left them in there.

Cindy: That’s right, too.

Bobby: So, as long as we’re here, let’s have some pizza.

(Greg and Peter finds Marge back at the booth.)

Greg: Marge, have you seen a cardboard cylinder with some sketches in it?

Marge: You never give up, do you?

Greg: Maybe we can get together later on.

(Carol and Mike are exiting a ride, after striking out finding the sketches.)

Mike: I guess it’s too late, honey. I’m gonna have to tell Mr. Remington we can’t find the sketches.

Carol: I’m sorry, Mike.

Mike: Not half as sorry as my boss is gonna be when he finds out.

Carol: Well, I’ll wait for you back at the entrance.

Mike: Okay.

(Marcia and Jan look at the rowboats.)

Jan: I could have left it on that little island. We were all over it.

Marcia: Well, let’s give it a look.

(They get in a boat and Jan finds the sketches.)

Jan: Marcia, look! I found it!

Marcia: Oh my gosh, hurry! Let’s go! Let’s get it to the manager’s office, quick.

(They run across the park until they find Alice. She is looking through a garbage can.)

Marcia (pointing): Look!

Jan: Alice! Alice! We found Dad’s sketches!

Alice: Good for you!

Marcia: We’re out of breath, take them to the manager’s office.

Alice: Okay, kids, the Pony Express rides again.

(Alice runs with the sketches until she finds Bobby and Cindy, who are exiting a ride.)

Bobby: No, it’s not in there either.

Alice: Bobby! Cindy! Look, lend a leg. I’ve got to get these to the manager’s office, and my saddle broke about a mile back.

Bobby: Okay, we have little legs, but they go awfully fast.

(They run through the park with the sketches. They find Greg and Peter.)

Peter: Well, it’s not in the Skee ball place or the bumper cars.

Greg: I don’t think there’s any place we haven’t loked.

Bobby: Greg!

Cindy: Greg!

Bobby: Greg! Dad’s sketches, but we can’t run any more.

Greg: Come on, Pete!

(He grabs the sketches and he and Peter run. They find Carol.)

Greg: Mom!

Peter: Mom!

Greg: Mom! Dad’s sketches.

Carol: Oh, I hope it’s not too late.

(Mike is leaving the office with Mr. Remington and Mr. Dempsey.)

Mr. Remington: I’m sorry, Mr. Brady, but we do have a plane to catch.

Mike: Well, I can phone my office and have copies of the sketches sent in no time at all.

Mr. Remington: Well, I’m afraid that would be too late. We have to make the decision in the morning.

Mike: Thank you, anyway.

Mr. Remington: Pleasure.

Carol (running up): Mike, Mike! We found them! We found them!

(She gives them the sketches.)

Mike (relieved): I think I just made the deadline, unless my wife brought another bear poster. Honey, I’d like you to meet Mr. Remington and Mr. Dempsey. (to them) My wife, Carol.

Mr. Remington: Pleasure, Mrs. Brady.

Carol; Thank you.

Mike (checking the sketches): Let’s see. Huh, no bear poster.

Mr. Remington: Well, the board will give these every consideration. Nice meeting you, Mrs. brady.

Carol: Thank you. Nice meeting you.

(The men leave and the kids run up to the parents.)

Greg: Did they make it? Did they make it?

Carol: Yes.

Mike: The plans are on their way to New York.

(They all cheer.)

Peter: I’m in total wipeout.

Marcia: I can sleep all week.

Mike: Too bad you’re all exhausted. I was gonna suggest we go for a ride on the roller coaster.

(They all agree to it.)

Alice: If I’m not there in three days, start without me.

(The guys pick her up and drag her to the roller coaster. We next see the family (except for Mike) ride the roller coaster as the scene fades.)

NOTE: Robert Reed refused to ride the roller coaster in fear of safety issues. They say his refusal may have saved the rest of the cast’s lives.

(The final scene has Mike and Carol in their hotel room. They are packing up to leave.)

Carol: You know, I am really gonna hate to leave. The kids had so much fun here.

Mike: Yeah, you can include this big kid too.

(The phone rings. Carol answers.)

Carol: Hello. Oh, yes, operator, he is. Just a minute. Honey, it’s for you. Long distance. Mr. Phillips.

Mike (answering the phone): Hello. Hello, Mr. Philips. They did? Oh, good. That’s wonderful. Oh, thanks very much. We sure would. Right, good-bye.

(He hangs up.)

Mike (to Carol): Mr. Remington just phoned Mr. Philips from New York. Our sketches have been approved and they’re gonna go ahead with it.

Carol: Oh, congratulations, Mike.

(She hugs him.)

Mike: Yeah, and the boss just asked us to stay a couple of extra days at company expense. How about that?

Carol: Oh, well the kids will hate that. We’ll really have to force them.

Mike: Yeah. (There’s a knock on the door.) Come in.

(Peter is at the door in a bear costume.)

Mike: Greg, what are you doing in the bear suit again?

Peter: It’s not Greg, it’s me.

Carol: Peter? (He nods) What are you doing in there?

Peter: Well, that girl Marge has to work for her brother again, but Greg wants to take her out to lunch, so I’m filling in for her. Okay?

Mike: That’s very understanding of you.

Peter: I understand real good for five dollars.

(He leaves the room.)


S5 E10 Try, Try Again

Try, Try Again

Written by Larry Rhine and Al Schwartz

Jan is convinced she’s a born loser when she tries desperately to find a talent. I hope you enjoy the script.











MS. CLAIRETTE, Jan’s ballet teacher

MRS. FERGUSON, Jan’s drama teacher

BILLY, boy who auditions for school play

(The episode begins with the girls at their dance recital. The teacher, Ms. Clairette, notices Jan’s lack of grace and turns off the record player.)

Ms. Clairette: Okay, kids, that’s fine for today. Thank you.

(Cindy runs up to her.)

Cindy: What about the reciral, Ms. Clairette?

Ms. Clairette: Those of you who have been chosen to participate will find your names on the bulletin board.

(The girls check to find their names.)

Ms. Clairette: Jan, may I see you for a monent?

(Jan comes up to her. Marcia is happy that Cindy was chosen.)

Jan: Yes, Ms. Clairette?

Ms. Clairette: Jan, dear, I know how hard you tried in class.

Jan (upset): You don’t have to tell me, Me. Clairette. I’m not in the recital.

Ms. Clairette: I’m sorry. But, you know, ballet comes much easier to some than to others.

Jan: And I’m one of the others.

Ms. Clairette: There’ll be future recitals.

Jan: Thanks, but, I won’t be around for them.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike in the kitchen with Carol and Alice. He is tasting a sauce that they made.)

Mike: Not quite right.

Carol: And just what is wrong with our spaghetti sauce?

Mike: Too much oregano.

Carol: That’s impossible. I put in the exact amount the recipe called for.

Alice: It’s possible, Mr. Brady. I did the same thing you did.

Mike: See, and that’s why they all say, too many cooks spoil the spaghetti sauce.

Carol: We’re willing to turn in our aprons whenever your highness is ready to take over. Right, Alice?

Alice: I’ll make you a lifetime gift of my ladle.

Mike: Anytime, anytime except now. I’m busy.

Carol: See. All talk, Alice. Can’t even boil water without burning it.

Mike: I happened to have been a pretty fair cook in my bachelor days.

Carol: Sure, then your can opener broke and you had to get married to keep from starving.

Mike: For your information, I could create a souffle that would leave you begging for more?

Alice: More what, Mr. Brady? Bicarbonate?

Mike: Yeah, well, I could, I could.

Carol: All right. We accept your offer. (She extends her hand) Whenever you’re ready to take over the kitchen, just hollar.

(They shake on it.)

Mike: That’s a deal.

(Outside, Peter and Bobby are playing ping pong, with Greg watching.)

Bobby (to Peter): Lucky shot.

Peter: You wish.

Greg (to Peter): Okay, wiseguy. Let’s see you do against me.

Bobby: Here’s the ball.

(He throws the ball to them but misses the table. Jan comes home and steps on the ball, crushing it.)

Peter: Hey!

(She comes in the house.)

Carol: Hi, honey. How was ballet class?

Jan: Awful.

Carol (to Alice): I wonder what happened?

(The other girls come in.)

Marcia: Hi, Mom.

Carol: Hi, what happened to Jan in ballet class?

Cindy (to Marcia): You tell her. You’re better at breaking bad news than I am.

Marcia: Thanks a lot. (to Carol and Alice) Cindy and I, and some other girls were chosen for the recital. Jan wasn’t.

Cindy: She sank right in the middle of swan lake.

Marcia: She really tries hard, it’s just that her feet always won’t do what she wants them to.

Carol: Not everybody’s cut out to be a ballerina. Maybe she’ll improve after some more lessons.

Cindy: She can’t. Ms. Clairette said she quit the class.

Alice (surprised): Quit? Wow, she’s really taking this hard, Mrs. Brady.

(Carol goes up to Jan’s room to speak to her. She finds Jan moping on her bed.)

Carol: Jan. Marcia and Cindy told me about the recital. I’m really sorry, honey. They also told me you quit your ballet class.

Jan: Mom, I’m about as graceful in ballet slippers as an elephant is in ice skates.

Carol: Oh, Jan, you can’t be all that bad.

Jan: I am. I’m the stumbled foot of the century. And I really wanted to dance.

Carol: Well, honey, maybe ballet just isn’t your thing.

Jan: Sure, but what is my thing?

Carol: Well, there are other kinds of dancing, you know. Ms. Clairette’s school teaches tap, jazz, folk.

Jan: Yeah, that’s true.

Carol: Well, you never know unless you try. (She kisses her) Think about it.

(Cut to the kitchen. Mike is showing Carol and Alice a dish he was preparing.)

Mike: Listen, it took me three days to get prepared for this.

Alice: What’s it called?

Mike: Souffle ottawa plumage.

Carol: Ooh, la, la.

Mike: Please, a little less breathing until I get this into the oven.

(He finds he can’t put in there yet so he sets it on the edge of the stove. Jan comes home.)

Jan: Hey, everybody. Get a load of this. (She starts to dance for them) I took your advice, Mom. I’m taking up tap dancing at Ms. Clairette’s school.

Carol: So I hear.

(Mike tries to warn her of something.)

Jan: That’s why I’ve been coming home late these past few days. I wanted to surprise you.

Alice: I bet the kitchen floor is too.

Jan: Look what I learned today.

(She gives them a demonstration and when she turns around. She knocks Mike’s dish over.)

Mike: Couldn’t you dance in place?

Jan: I’m sorry, Dad.

(She shamefully goes upstairs.)

Mike (to Carol): Was tap dancing your idea?

Carol: I guess so. I suggested she try another kind of dancing to cheer her up.

Mike: What about the old soft shoe?

(Greg and Peter are upstairs playing guitar and about to record it.)

Greg: Are you ready to record?

Peter: Yeah. (He turns the recorder on) Okay, go.

(Greg starts to play when they suddenly hear Jan practicing her tap dancing in the bathroom. Peter turns the recorder off.)

Peter: Guess who.

Greg: The blonde woodpecker. (He yells down) Jan!

(He angrily stamps his foot.)

Jan: I’m trying to learn the routine!

(Greg and Peter angrily stamp their feet. Jan continues to practice. Marcia and Cindy are unhappily listening in their room and a figurine falls from a shelf and breaks.)

Marcia: Now look what she’s done.

Cindy: Maybe we can glue it back together.

Marcia: That’s not the problem. What do we do about us coming unglued.

(Next. Mike, Carol and Alice are in the kitchen.)

Mike: That was a delicious breakfast, ladies.

(Alice is preparing the kids’ lunch.)

Alice: Thank you, Mr. Brady.

Carol (pouring him coffee): No suggestions on how to make it better from the superchef?

(She kisses him.)

Alice: He’s backing away from his offer, Mrs. Brady.

Mike: I am not, I already made a souffle, haven’t I?

Carol: You almost made a souffle.

Mike: Okay. (He gets up) I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do, you wiseguys. (He writes on the message board) Come Saturday, I am gonna prepare not just a simple dish, but an entire gourmet dinner.

Alice: Consisitng of what, Mr. Brady?

Mike: None of your business.

Carol: But honey, we have to know what the ingredients are when they ask us at the hospital.

(Mike gets offended and starts to leave. The other kids start coming down.)

Bobby: Dad.

Mike: Ask your mother, I got to go to work.

Bobby: Mom, you do something about Jan.

Cindy: I’m beginning to hear tap in my sleep.

Carol: We’ll talk about it later, okay, have a good day. Bye.

(Greg, Marcia and Peter come in.)

Greg: Good morning.

Marcia: Hi.

Greg: Mom, you got to do something about Jan.

Marcia: She’s really bugging us.

Peter: Talk about noise pollution.

Carol: Oh, be patient with her, kids. I’m sure after a few more lessons, she’ll get much better at it.

Greg: No way.

Peter: I saw a bear on TV do a better tap dance.

Marcia: Mom, Jan really has no talent for tap dance.

(Jan comes in.)

Carol: Marcia.

Jan: No, I guess i don’t.

Marcia: I’m sorry, Jan. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.

Jan: That’s okay. You’re right. I have no talent for tap dancing. In fact, I have no talent for anything at all.

Carol: Now, Jan, that is not true.

Jan: Yes it is.

(She leaves.)

Marcia: I didn’t know jan was there.

Carol: Jan just has to keep looking until she finds something she really does well.

Marcia: Hey, I’ve got an idea. Maybe I know just the thing for Jan to do. I’ll check with her right after school.

(She starts to leave. Carol stops her.)

Carol: Marcia, what is it?

Marcia: Just as soon as I arrange it, I’ll let you know.

Carol: Oh, here, here, take your lunch. (She leaves) Have a good day.

Marcia: Bye. You too.

(Marcia is showing jan how to be a drum mjaorette. She has a hat and a baton.)

Marcia: You look great, Jan. Better than when I was a drum majorette. And you know, being a drum majorette has a lot of fringe benefits.

Jan: Like what?

Marcia: Well, like band full of boys.

Jan: Oh, I hope I can do this.

Marcia: If I can, anybody can. It’s a cinch.

(Jan starts twirling the baton while Carol and Alice watch from inside.)

Carol: That was a good idea Marcia had.

Alice: Jan looks so cute in the hat.

(Jan continues twirling. Marcia takes it for a monent.)

Marcia: Here, let me show you. Now, you hold it right about there. (She twirls) Keep going. Now, at first you hold your wrist like this so you can get used to the twirling motion. See. Think you got it? (Jan shows her that she does) Okay, you try it. (Jan takes it as Marcia encourages her) Hey, you’re getting the hang of it. Great. Faster. Come on, faster. Now toss it.

(Jan tosses it but accidentally breaks the window on the family room door.)

Alice: Lucky we saw that coming.

Jan (upset): Why don’t you say it! I’m strictly a no-talent! I’ll never be good at anytrhing, never!

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Alice and Greg in the kitchen. Alice is sorting out playing cards. She is also peeking at them.)

Greg: Uh, uh, uh.

Alice: I am ashamed of myself, Greg, and I’ll never do it again. Unless I think it will help.

(Carol and Mike come home with Marcia and Jan. They are returning from their ballet recital.)

Marcia: Hi.

Carol: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Alice: Anybody for hot chocolate?

Marcia: Oh, great, Alice.

Greg: How did the ballet recital go?

Mike: Marcia and Cindy were terrific.

Carol: They were the best in the class.

Marcia: Mom, Dad, don’t be so unbiased.

Carol: Everything okay at home?

Greg: Everything but Jan. She hasn’t let her room all night.

Alice: I tried to talk to her, but on a scale of 1 to 10, she figures herself about a minus three.

Mike: Jan’s a big girl now. She’s gonna have to learn to face that kind of problem.

Carol: Well, you two girls get to bed right after the hot chocolate. Okay. Good night, Alice.

Alice: Good night.

Carol: Good night, Greg.

Greg: Good night.

Mike: Good night, all.

(The parents go upstairs.)

Marcia: Poor Jan. She must be the most miserable member of this whole human race.

Cindy: And that’s a race you can’t quit.

Alice: And it’s the only race in town.

Greg: Problem is, she lost all of her self-confidence.

Marcia: And the question is, how does she get it back?

Greg: Simple. All she has to be is good at something instead of bad.

Alice: And someday there’ll be a pill we can take for instant good.

Greg: Wait a minute. There is a way she can be instant good. Yeah, it just might work. It’s worth a try.

Marcia: Okay by me.

Cindy: Okay by me too, and I don’t even know what you’re talking about.

(We take you to the backyard. Greg is about to play ping pong and ask Jan to play with him.)

Greg: Okay, now make it sound legitimate so Jan doesn’t get suspicious.

Peter (whispering): Right.

Greg: This will be the first time I ever thrown a ping pong game.

Bobby (whispering): Here she comes.

(Jan starts to come.)

Peter: Greg, we just don’t have time to play ping pong.

Greg: But I need to practice.

Bobby: I’m sorry, you’ll just have to find somebody else. We’re busy.

Greg: Jan, how would you like to do me a really big favor.

Jan: What?

Greg: Well, I’m entering this ping-pong contest, and I need all the practicing I can get.

Jan: You wanna practice with me?

Greg: I can’t practice by myself.

Jan: Well, okay, but I’m not very good.

Greg: Oh, hey, don’t worry about it. Listen, you’ll be doing me a really big favor.

(She takes a paddle and they start to play.)

Greg: Ready?

Jan: Yeah.

(They start to play. Greg deliberately plays badly to let Jan win.)

Greg: Good shot. (He purposely misses the ball again) What kind of a spin did you put on the ball?

(Jan shrugs. We next see them continuing to play in the same manner.)

Greg: Your serve again. (He makes another blunder) You did it again! Are you sure you haven’t been practicing on the side?

Jan: No, honest!

Greg: You’re better than you think.

Jan: 20-17. Game point. (Greg slips again) I won! I actually beat you, I won!

Greg: Look, do me another favor, huh.

Jan: What?

Greg: Don’t tell Peter and Bobby. I could never live it down.

Jan: Sure, I’ll protect you.

Greg: Thanks, Jan. Good game.

(He smiles to himself as we go up to the girls’ room. Jan is playing Monopoly with her sisters.)

Jan: And I own that hotel too. And you owe me $1,500 besides.

Marcia: That wipes me out. You win again, Jan.

Jan: Do you wanna play one more time?

Marcia: No way, you’re too good for me.

Cindy: You’re a financial genius.

Jan: I guess I am pretty good.

Marcia: You’re a regular Howard Hughes.

Jan (getting up): See you later.

(Next, Jan is outisde playing darts with Peter and Bobby. They let her win.)

Bobby (to Peter): She’s sandbagging us.

Peter: I thought you said you weren’t very good at darts.

Jan: I didn’t think I was. Oh, this gives me 40 points.

Bobby: You’re skunking us.

Jan: Well, we can’t all be happy.

Petyer: I’ll practice and I’ll challenge you tomorrow.

Jan: Any time.

Bobby: Great. No girl is gonna beat me.

(She walk off.)

Peter (to Bobby): You’re a better actor than Richard Burton.

Bobby: You’re a better actor then Elizabeth Taylor.

(Peter chases Bobby as we move into the next scene. Mike is conimg home with groceries.)

Mike (calling): Help, somebody lend a hand!

Alice: Oh, I’m on my way.

(She puts her mop down and goes to help him.)

Mike: I’m about to lose the eggs. Alice, quick.

Alice (grabbing the bag): Got it, got it.

(Mike comes in the kitchen with two other bags.)

Carol: Honey, what’s in the bag?

Mike: Sorry, every item is classified top secret.

Alice: Is it that gourmet dinner you’re going to cook, Mr. Brady?

Mike: Yes, anybody caught snooping gets the firing squad.

Carol: Alice, I think I know why he’s keeping Saturday’s menu such a secret.

Alice: Why, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: So if he messes it up, we won’t know what it was supposed to be.

Alice: They do say that 90% of domestic accidents occur in the kitchen.

(Carol laughs.)

Mike: Laugh if you must, but remember what I said, top secret.

(He puts the food in the refrigerator/freezer. Carol watches. Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Hi. Anybody seen Jan?

Carol: She went to the library, honey, why?

Cindy: Oh, I just thought I’d let her beat me at checkers.

Mike: Why do you want to do that?

Cindy: To give her confidence. To make her think she’s good at something. That’s what we’ve been doing.

Carol: How long do you and your brothers and sisters plan to keep losing to Jan?

Cindy: I don’t know. A couple of months. I’ll ask Greg.

Mike: Cindy, look, it’s nice that you kids want to help Jan, but you’re not being very honest with her if you do that.

Carol: Honey, it’s not a real victory if everybody’s just pretending to lose.

Cindy (shamefully): I guess you’re right.

(Next, Greg is apologizing to Jan for all the kids.)

Greg: So, I’m speaking for all the kids. We’re sorry. We were only trying to help.

Jan: Yeah, well, thanks for what you’re trying to do.

Carol: Greg, why don’t you go round up the kids for dinner, okay.

Greg: Okay, they’re out in back.

(He walks away.)

Mike (to Jan): You know, I would say that goes to prove how much your brothers and sisters care about you.

Jan: It also proves something else. It proves everybody feels sorry for little Jan Brady, loser. That’s exactly what I am, a born loser.

Mike: Jan.

Carol: Wait a minte, honey.

Mike: Listen, all they’re trying to do is give you a little confidence.

Jan: I do have confidence. I’m confident that I’m a no-talent loser.

Mike: No, no. Everyone has talent somewhere, and you’ll never find where yours lies if you quit trying.

Carol: Your father’s right, Jan. You have to keep trying in life. You’ll never succeed at anytihng if you’re a quitter.

Jan: But I don’t know what else to try.

Carol (to Mike): I’m sure there’s lots of things she can do.

Mike: There’s all kinds of things going on at school. There are club activities, there are plays…

Carol: Plays. That’s a good idea.

Mike: Yes.

Carol: Why don’t you look into that tomorrow.

Jan: Maybe I will.

Mike: Promise.

Jan: Okay, I promise. I guess I got nothing to lose.

Carol: Nothing except your no-talent.

(Next, Carol is knitting in the family room. Alice comes in.)

Alice: Hi, Mrs. Brady. How about a little afternoon snack?

Carol: Oh, no thanks, Alice.

Alice: I wish you’d say yes.

Carol: Why?

Alice: Because it would give me a chance to peek at the food Mr. Brady has in the freezer.

Carol: Now, Alice, we promised.

Alice: You’re right. I’ll wash my mouth out with soap for even suggesting it.

Carol: When you’re through, will you suggest it again? I’m weakening.

(Jan comes in.)

Jan: Mom, I did it! I found something at school that I’m really interested in.

Carol: What, honey?

Jan: I’m trying out for the lead in the school play.

Carol: Oh, Jan, that’s wonderful.

(Alice claps and cheers for her.)

Jan: Anyway, the play is about an American girl in Paris who’s starving and painting and trying to pay her bills and…. while I’m telling you all this. I should be learning my lines. I have to learn every one of them by tomorrow.

Carol: Why so soon?

Jan: Because I signed up so late.

Carol: Girls, they’re absolutely unpredictable.

Alice: Maybe that’s why they grow up to be women.

(The next day at school, Jan is trying out for the play. Mrs. Ferguson, the director, is there.)

Mrs. Ferguson: That was very nice children. Thank you. Next, are Jan Brady and Billy Naylor.

Jan (to Peter): Well, here goes.

Peter: Okay, Jan, now remember, self-confidence.

Jan: Right. Self-confidence.

(She gets up to the stage with Billy. She brings a painting with her and Billy puts on a wig and fake mustache.)

Mrs. Ferguson: What’s the painting, Jan?

Jan: Oh, I’m supposed to be painting in the scene. So I started this last night while I was at home. It’ll make it easier for me.

(She puts on a smock.)

Mrs. Ferguson: Okay, you and Billy may begin when you’re ready.

Jan: Okay. (She picks up some pastels and starts to paint) Come in.

Mrs. Ferguson: No, Jan, you wait till the landlord knocks.

Jan: Oh, sorry. (Billy knocks) Come in.

Billy: Madame Loisel, I’ve come to give you one final chance to pay the rent.

Jan: But monsieur, I must have more time. I’m almost finished my painting.

Mrs. Ferguson: Jan, you have another line, dear.

Jan: Oh, right, sorry.

Mrs. Ferguson: Let’s start again.

Jan: Come in.

Billy (frustrated): I’m supposed to knock first!

(He knocks.)

Jan: Come in, Billy.

Mrs. Ferguson: Jan, he’s the landlord, not Billy.

Billy: Madame Loisel, I’ve come to give you one final chance to pay the rent.

Jan: But monsieur, I must have more time. I’m almost finished my painting. (Pause) I’m sure I’ll sell it.

Billy: Who would buy such a horrible painting. I must have the rent. it is long overdue.

Jan: But I have no money. (She drops her nurse and accisentally spills the paint jars on Billy) Sorry, Billy.

(Peter covers his eyes.)

Mrs. Ferguson (getting up): Jan, dear, are you sure you’re up to this? I mean, you only did have one night to learn it.

Jan: No, Mrs. Ferguson, I’m not up to this.

Mrs. Ferguson: Maybe our next play.

Jan: There won’t be a next one for me.

(Back at home, Peter is telling Carol about Jan’s misfortune.)

Peter: Mom, Jan’s tryout was a disaster. She couldn’t get anything right.

Carol: Poor kid.

Peter: She’s gonna be more miserable now than ever.

(Jan comes in. She’s in a happy mood.)

Jan: Hi, Mom, Hi, Pete.

Carol: Hi, Jan. (to Peter) Were you putting me on?

Peter: No, she really bombed out. Honest.

Jan: Boy, did I ever bomb out.

Carol: Well, I’m delighted to see you so happy about it.

Jan: Well it’s what happened afterwards when Mrs. Ferguson called me back. (to Peter) You had left.

Peter: What happened?

Jan: You know that picture I painted for the play? Mrs. Ferguson is also our art teacher. She said that I show a real talent as a painter, that my paointing is terrific, and she wants me to enroll in her art class.

Carol (pleased): Oh, Jan, that’s great.

Peter: Good.

Alice (coming in): Yeah, how about that. She tries out as an actress and winds up an artist.

jan: You and Dad were right, Mom. If I hadn’t kept trying, I would have never known.

Alice: I wonder if that works the other way around. Maybe if I tried to paint, somebody would discover how much Raquel Welch and I have in common. (They all look at her disbelievingly) Or would you believe Shirley Temple?

(She starts to tapdance and the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Carol coming in the kitchen as Mike is cooking.)

Carol: Is tonight’s menu still a top secret?

Mike: Nope, it is now declassified. (He takes the lid off one pot) Vichyssoise, Caesar salad, chocolate mousse in the ice box. Tomatoes parmesan in the broiler, asparugus holeny, and pies de resistance, beef burgonione.

Carol: Oh, honey, it looks and smells delicious. You are the greatest.

Mike: Yes, that’s true. I have too much humility to disagree. Well, call the kids to dinner.

Carol: Oh, that presents a problem.

Mike: Hmm.

Carol: The kids are going to a surprise party tonight.

Mike (shocked): What? You mean after I slaved over a hot stove making all this food?

Carol: Alice and I will eat our share.

Mike: Honey, I got enough food here for nine people. Uh, call Alice to the table. I’ll start serving. (Carol goes in the dining room) (to himself) Talk about lack of appreciation, and all the money I spent preparing all this glut.

(He goes out to the dining room with one of the pots. He is surprised to see all the kids sititng there with Carol and Alice.)

All: Surprise!

Mike: Surprise party, huh.

Carol: Well, you got to admit that you were surprised.

The Kids (chanting): We want to eat, we want to eat, we want to eat.

Mike: Hold it! Now I got a surprise for you.

Carol: Oh, what?

Mike (in a French accent): The cook has resigned and you are serving the dinner.

Carol: Well, Alice, I knew we’d wind up doing all the work.

(She and Alice get up and Mike sits down.)


S5 E9 Quarterback Sneak

Quarterback Sneak

Written by Bill Freedman and Ben Gershman

Marcia is courted by a rival school quarterback who plans to steal Greg’s school team’s playbook. Hope you enjoy the script.











JERRY ROGERS, quarterback on Greg’s rival team

RICH, Jerry’s friend and teammate

TANK GATES, Carol’s old high school boyfriend

(The episode begins with Marcia putting up signs of an upcoming football game. Three guys from a rival school notice her. They are Jerry Rogers, his friend Rich and another guy.)

Jerry (to Rich): You’re sure that’s Greg Brady’s sister.

Rich: Positive. Good-looking chick.

Jerry: Yeah, too bad she goes to the wrong school. Here goes.

(He goes to approach Marcia.)

Rich: Hey, Romeo, let’s not let her good looks fake you out now.

Jerry: No way. You know my heart belongs to Fairview High.

(Marcia hammers a nail onto a pole and drops her sign. Jerry reaches down to grab it for her.)

Jerry: Hi.

Marcia: Hi.

Jerry: You mind if I give you a hand?

(He picks up the sign and hammers it. Marcia notices his letterman’s sweater.)

Marcia: Hey, you’re from Fairview.

Jerry: Yeah. I guess I’m the last guy in the world that should be putting up a sign like this.

Marcia: Then why are you?

Jerry: Some things are just more important than school rivalry. Like your name, for instance.

Marcia: Marcia Brady.

Jerry: Jerry Rogers.

Marcia (noticing his sweater): Hey, you’re the quarterback for the Fairview team.

Jerry: I’m afraid so, yeah.

Marcia: Wow, what a coincidence. My brother plays halfback for Fairview.

Jerry: No kidding. We knocked heads in last year’s game.

Marcia: Well, I guess I’d better be getting the rest of these posters put up.

Jerry: No, I guess we better be getting the rest of these posters put up.

Marcia: But you’re the enemy.

Jerry: A friendly enemy.

Rich (to his friend): Success. The gal doesn’t know it, but she’s gonna help her brother blow the league championship, to us.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene brings us to the house. The guys are playing football out in the backyard. Peter and Bobby try to tackle Greg but he evades them.)

Greg: When the ball carrier’s heading staright at you, always keep ypur eye on his belt buckle.

Bobby: Why?

Greg: Because that’s where center gravity is. You watch his speed or his head, he’ll fake you out every time.

Peter: Let’s try it again.

Bobby: Yeah.

Greg: Okay, you ready?

Peter: Yeah.

(He goes at them again but this time Bobby and Peter are able to tackle again.)

Bobby: We’re really getting good.

(Marcia is walking home with Jerry. Greg notices in disbelief.)

Peter: What’s the matter, Greg.

Greg: Marcia’s gotta be kidding.

Bobby: Who is he?

Peter: A fink.

Bobby: How do you know?

Peter: He’s wearing a Fairview sweater.

(Jerry waves at Greg.)

Jerry: Hi, Greg.

(Greg waves back.)

Jerry (to Marcia): Thanks for letting me take you home.

Marcia: Thank you for helping me with the signs.

Jerry: Can i see you again?

Marcia: Sure.

Jerry: Great. (He gives back her hammer and nails) I’ll be in touch.

(He leaves and she watches him starstruck. Greg approaches her.)

Greg: I assume you know who he is.

Marcia: Mmm hmm, Jerry Rogers. Quarterback and dreamy.

Greg: Dreamy?

Marcia: I may even let me take me out.

Greg: Marcia, are you kidding? Jerry is the opposition.

Marcia: He may be your opposition, but he’s certainly not mine.

(Next, Peter knocks on the girls’ door.)

Marcia: Come in.

Peter: I’m in.

(He takes the rest of Marcia’s posters.)

Marcia: Hey, those belong to me.

Peter: You mean they did belong to you.

Marcia: But I’m supposed to finish putting them up tomorrow.

Peter: We don’t need any help from a traitor.

Marcia (annoyed): Traitor? I’m as loyal to Westdale as anybody!

Peter: You mean loyal to Jerry Rogers.

Marcia: That’s ridiculous! Besides, you don’t even go to Westdale yet!

Peter: I will next year, and when Westdale finds out my sister is a double agent, they may not even let me in!

Marcia (upset): You’re impossible!

Jan: Peter, you should be ashamed of yourself calling Marcia a traitor!

Cindy: You really hurt her feelings!

Peter: It serves her right for liking a Fairview freak.

Jan: Jerry doesn’t sound like a freak to me.

Peter: Anyone that goes to Fairview’s a freak, especially right before the big game.

Jan: How could you possibly compare a football game to a romance?

Peter: You can’t. Football’s important.

Jan: For your information, a football game only lasts 60 minutes. But a romance can last a whole month.

Cindy: At least.

(Mike comes home in the next scene. He joins Carol and Alice in the kitchen.)

Mike: Hi, Alice. Hi, honey.

Carol: Hi, honey.

(They kiss and the phone rings.)

Mike: Uh oh, remind me, we have some unfinished kissing. (He answers the phone) Hello. Yes, this is the Brady residence. You want to speak to who? Twinkles? (He laughs) Sorry, there’s no Twinkles here.

Carol: Ah, ah, yes there is. (She gets up and takes the phone) Hello. Tank? Ah hah, what a surprise. Yes, I’ll have to thank Ethel for telling you where to find me. (Alice and Mike are wondering about their nicknames) Of course, I want to see you. Yes, tomorrow at 7 would be perfect. You got yourself a date. Bye, Tank. (She hangs the phone up) How about that?

Mike: Yeah, how about what?

Carol: Tank Gates. He’s coming to dinner tomorrow.

Alice: What is a Tank Gates?

Carol: Only the best athlete Westdale High has ever produced. Football, basketball, baseball, track, everything. You name it. His muscles had muscles.

Mike: Yeah, I know the type. You feed him a stalk of bananas and let him swing from the trees out back. Right, Alice?

Alice: I may swing with him.

Carol: Imagine hearing from Tank Gates after all these years.

Mike: Yeah, I bet they named him Tank because his head shaped like a turret.

Carol: No, they nicknamed him Tank because he mowed down the opposition like one. And as for his looks, well, every girl on campus just turned to jelly when he passed by.

Mike: Including you?

Carol: No.

Mike: Good.

Carol: Me, he didn’t pass by. We sort of went together in my senior year at Westdale.

Mike: Sort of or did?

Carol: What’s the difference?

Mike: Well, there’s a great deal of difference, because, sort of means sort of and did means did.

Carol: Well, anyway, that was a long time ago. You’re gonna love meeting Tank tomorrow.

Mike (sarcastically): Oh, sure, I’m just counting the seconds. You better get another bunch of bananas, Alice.

Carol: Alice, my husband has just paid me a very big compliment.

Alice: What’s that, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: He’s jealous.

Alice: That less than green-eyed monster.

(Next, Mike is going over some plays with Greg in their football playbook.)

Mike (looking in the book): T 44.

Greg: Take a hand off from the quarterback. Fake to the right, and hit through the left tackle.

(Mike gets impressed and turns to another page.)

Mike: T 25.

Greg: Brush block the left guard, and go through (he slaps his hand to demonstrate) the linebacker.

Mike: You know, that’s amazing.

Greg: What is?

Mike: You could remember every play in that book and you can’t remember to take the trash out on Thursdays.

Greg: Maybe that’s because there aren’t any pom-pom girls around. (Mike laughs and Greg gets up) Thanks for helping me, Dad.

Mike: Oh, anytime.

(Cut to Fairview High. Jerry is walking with a friend and Rich comes up to him.)

Rich: Hey, Jerry. How’s it going with that Brady chick?

Jerry: Stop worrying, would you? I’m not about to fumble.

Rich: Yeah, but the game’s this Saturday. We gotta have Westdale’s playbook no later than Thursday.

Jerry: We’ll have it sooner. I’m seeing her this afternoon.

Rich: Oh yeah? Great. You’re such an operator. (They go their separate ways) Take care. See you at practice.

(Next, Jerry gives Marcia a ride home in his car.)

Marcia: I was really surprised when you picked me up at school. What happened to your football practice?

Jerry: I just ran 90 yards for a touchdown and kept right on going. (He lets her out of his car) Don’t I get some kind of reward for driving you home?

Marcia: Well, what did you have in mind?

Jerry: I’ll settle for a cold drink.

Marcia (laughing): Come on in.

(They see Bobby and Cindy playing on the teeter-totter.)

Marcia: Hi, kids.

Jerry: Hi.

Cindy: Hi.

Marcia: This is Jerry Rogers. (to Jerry) Bobby, and this is Cindy.

Cindy: You’re right, Marcia. he is gorgeous.

Bobby: I hope Westdale whoops the pants off you guys Saturday.

Marcia: Bobby. Come on, Jerry. Let’s go in the house.

(He waves good-bye to Cindy.)

Cindy (to Bobby): That wasn’t very polite of you.

Bobby: Cindy, he’s the opposition.

Cindy: He’s also Marcia’s friend.

Bobby: He’s a Fairview fink.

Cindy: All you boys think about is football. Love is a lot more important.

Bobby: How do you know? You never played either one.

He laughs and Cindy gets off. She slams the teeter-totter down, causing Bobby to almost fall off.)

Marcia (to Jery): Have a seat.

Jerry: Thanks.

Marcia: Would you like some lemonade.

Jerry: Great, if it’s not too much trouble.

Marcia: Oh, not at all. I’ll be back in a m,inute. Make yourself at home.

(She puts her books down and goes into the kitchen.)

Jerry: It’s a great house you have here. (He gets up and starts looking around) Do all you kids have your own room?

Marcia: I wish we did. Greg’s the only one. He fixed over the attic for himself.

Jerry: Yeah? that’s a great idea. I oughtta do something like that to our attic. You suppose I could take a look at Greg’s room just to get some ideas?

Marcia: Well, maybe sometime.

Jerry: Great.

(He sees the playbook on the family room table. He makes an attempt to snatch it.)

Marcia: Be right there?

Jerry: No rush.

(He drops the book and Bobby comes by. He noticed what Jerry did. Next, he, Greg and Marcia are up in Greg’s room arguing about it.)

Marcia (yelling): That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of!

Bobby: I’m sorry, but it just happens to be true!

Marcia: Jerry Rogers wouldn’t stoop that low!

Greg: All right, all right! Why would Bobby say it if he didn’t see it?

Marcia: He only thought that he tried to steal your playbook. He doesn’t have any real proof.

Bobby: My eyes are my proof! They saw him try to take it!

Marcia: You’re just prejudiced because he’s such a greta quarterback.

Bobby: Well I could be such a great quarterback too if I had th eother team’s playbook!

Greg: Look, it sounds to me like Bobby is telling the truth, but I’m willing to give Jerry a fair shake.

Marcia: How!

Greg: By giving him another chance to try and steal my playbook.

Marcia (defensive): He didn’t try to steal your playbook!

Greg: All right, then you have nothing to worry about. In fact, if he’s innocent, we’ll even apologize. (to Bobby) Right?

Bobby: Right.

Marcia: Okay, it’s a deal. (He starts to leave then stops. to Bobby) Get ready to apologize!

Bobby: You mean you better get ready to find a new creep to go out with.

Marcia: Oh yeah, it takes one to know one.

Bobby: Then you two should be really happy together.

(Marcia gets frustrated and runs out. Greg slaps Bobby five and vice versa. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Carol coming up to Mike with a new dress.)

Carol: Honey, how would you like to buy me a new dress for my birthday.

Mike: Well, since your birthday is several months away, I’d love to.

Carol: Good. I’m wearing it. (She models it for him) You like it?

Mike: Ooh, I like it.

Carol: It was on sale.

Mike: Yeah, I like it even better. What’s the occasion?

Carol: Well honey, you know I needed a new dress, and, with Tank coming over, I thought…

Mike: That’s for Tank?

Carol: No, silly, it’s for you.

(She kisses him and runs out of the room.)

Mike (to himself): Yeah, that dress sure makes me look good. Happy birthday, Twinkles.

(We take you to the boys’ room. Greg comes in to talk to Peter and Bobby.)

Greg: How would you guys like to help me plot operation wipeout?

Peter: Operation wipeout?

Bobby: What do you mean?

Greg: Well, I told Marcia I’d give Jerry another chance to try and steal my playbook. But if he does steal it, Fairview will clobber us, right?

Peter: Yeah.

Greg: So I came up with an idea.

(He shows them 2 books.)

Bobby: 2 playbooks?

Greg: This one’s a phony. We’ll make it full of fake plays.

Peter: If Jerry steals it, Fairview will be running around in circles.

Greg (smiling): Right.

Bobby: You guys would rout them.

Greg: Can’t you just see those Fairview freaks trying to defend against our plays, when they’re not our plays. (He hands the playbook to Peter) Listen, you read me the plays out of this real playbook, and I’ll switch them right here in this phony one.

(Next, Mike is in the living room when he hears the bell ring. He gets up to answer it and it is Tank.)

Tank: Twinkles!

Mike: No, I’m Mike.

Tank: Right. I’m Tank Gates. (He extends his hand) Glad to meet you.

(They shake hands.)

Mike: Well, thank you. (He lets him off) Well, Carol’s told me a lot about you.

Tank: Oh, not everytihng I hope. Where is she? Where’s my Twinkles.

Carol (from the stairs): She’s right here.

Tank: Twinkles!

Carol: Hi, Tank.

(He runs over to her.)

Tank: Come here you gorgeous hunk of woman.

(He picks her up and gves her a big hug.)

Carol (laughing): Tank, put me down. Oh, you’re as wild as ever.

Tank: And you’re as prety as ever. No, no, you’re prettier. (to Mike) Boy, did you luck out fella.

Mike: My mother thinks she didn’t do too badly either.

Tank: Yeah, yeah. I bet you’re dying to know what I’ve been doing since high school. Right?

Carol: Well, yes, Tank. I thought…

Tank: I went right to college and guess who made all-American.

Mike: Why don’t you take a stab in the dark, honey.

Tank: You know me, Twinkles. I don’t like to brag. But, after college I went into pro football and made all pro three years in a row.

Carol: Yes, I noticed it in the paper.

Tank: It wasn’t hard to do, was it. I was in them all the time. (he turns to Mike) Did you ever play ball, Mac?

Mike: Mike. Oh, I played some ball. Not football, but…

Tank: I didn’t figure you did.

Carol: We have a son who plays football at Westdale, Tank?

Tank: You have a son that old? Why, you look like you could be in high school yourself.

Carol (laughing): Did you hear that, Mike? Me, still in high school?

Mike: I heard it.

Tank: That’s the reason I’m in town. For the biggie, between Westdale and Fairview. Just don’t get a chance to get here anymore.

Mike: How did we catch you lucky this time?

Carol: Look what I dug up, Tank. Our old Westdale annual.

(Tank takes the yearbook and looks throught it.)

Tank: Oh, oh.

(Meanwhile, the guys are upstairs working on the phony playbook.)

Greg (to Peter): What’s the next play?

Peter (reading): T-28. Quarterback pitch out to the strong side.

Greg: Simple, we’ll just reverse it. Now it will be T-28, Quarterback pitch out to the weak side. (He writes it in) Boy, are they gonna be surprised when the ball goes one way and Fairview goes the other.

Bobby: Right. (He is playing with the ball. He tosses it toward the bathroom and it hits Alice, who is coming out of there.) Sorry, Alice.

Greg: Did you want something?

Alice: Yeah, to be traded. Right after dinner. It’s gonna be ready pretty soon so get cleaned up. (She leaves the room and throws the ball back to Bobby) Think fast.

Greg (closing the book): That does it. Now, all I have to do is give this phony playbook to Marcia and have her invite Jerry over tomorrow.

Peter: You’re sure he’ll take it?

Greg: Will a rat take cheese?

(Downstairs, Tank and Carol are looking through their old yearbook.)

Tank: I was just beautiful. (He turns a page) And here’s the old Tanker. (He turns another page) Here I am as student body president.

Carol: Oh, look, there I am in a drama club.

Tank: Son of a gun. Here I am scoring a touchdown against Fairview that year. Do you remember all those touchdowns I scored, Twinkles?

Carol: Well…

Tank: I scored so many points I can’t remember the total. Hey, I remember that touchdown now. Let me show you how it worked.

Carol: Well, Tank, I don’t think…

(He gets up.)

Tank: Now, this is the picture. We only have time for one play, and we’re still 75 yards from patered. Fairview’s expecting a long pass, so they drop back into a 5,3,2,1 defense. So I look over the defense, and you know what play I call? I call….

Mike: The old statue of liberty.

Tank: Yeah, the old statue of liberty play. Well, anyway, we break out of the huddle, and come up through the light. (He picks Mike up) Here, let me show you. You two be the defense. (to Mike) Yeah, you are a little fragile, aren’t you. (He pushes him on the couch) Now this is our line. Jackson, Metzger, Syril, Rock. Metzger snaps the ball back to Leftowicz. Lefty fades back like he’s gonna throw a loft, and that’s when the old Tanker comes flying by and grabs the ball and gives him a left. He kicks it away, then he reverses his feet and he goes against the grave. He gives him a kick, he was poetry in motion, then he goes for it. (He lands on the couch) and the rest is history.

Carol (unimpressed): You’re a legend in your own time.

Tank: Oh, not yet. I still have to make the extra point.

Mike (sarcastically): We certainly wouldn’t want to miss that one.

Carol: No.

Tank: But I fool them again, see. I made them think I was gonna run for the extra point. Suddenly, I stop, step back, and then I kick the ball. (He kicks a cushion that he used. It knocks a plant down and it breaks) Sorry, I guess I got carried away.

Mike (sarcastically): Oh, don’t worry about it. It was just a rare, tropical firm.

Tank: But you’ll be glad to know, the dropkick went right through the goldpost.

Carol: Great. really great.

Tank: Yeah, great. Even then, I was bigger than life.

(Next, Cindy is helping Marcia with Greg’s plot.)

Cindy: You’re really gonna go through with Greg’s plan.

Marcia: Jerry’s on his way over.

Cindy: What if he does steal Greg’s playbook?

Marcia: I don’t think he will, Cindy.

Cindy: Because he’s honest? Or because he told you your eyes are like Faye Dunaway’s?

(Jerry drives into their driveway.)

Marcia: We’ll soon find out. Put them down.

(Cindy puts a couple magazines down while Marcia puts down the playbook and a plant.)

Marcia (handing her the plant): Here.

Cindy: Good luck.

Marcia: Okay. (Cindy sticks around) Cindy, go on.

Cindy: Why?

Marcia (firmly): Cindy.

Cindy: Oh, all right.

(She takes the plant and leaves. Marcia lets Jerry in.)

Marcia: Hi.

Jerry: Hi.

Marcia: I’m glad you could come over.

Jerry: You know, we must have ESP going on between us, because I was just gonna call you.

Marcia (laughing): Good. Can I get you a cold drink?

Jerry: Sure. How about some of that great lemonade.

Marcia: Okay. (She talks to him from the kitchen) I guess you’re excited about the big game.

(Jerry takes the book and hides it under his coat.)

Jerry: You better believe it.

Marcia: Greg’s really up for it, too.

Jerry: I’ll bet. It means the league championship.

(Marcia gets the lemonade out.)

Marcia: I hope you don’t mind if I route for Westdale.

Jerry: I wouldn’t have it any other way.

(She notices the playbook is gone. She gets upset and turns around.)

Jerry: Oh, am I a goof artist. The coach called a special session for team photographs. I completely forgot. Can I take a raincheck on that lemonade?

Marcia: Sure.

Jerry: I hope you understand.

Marcia (looking straight at him): I understand perfectly.

(She has a sad look on her face. We take you to upstairs, where Greg is reading the paper to the guys.)

Greg: Hey, get this. The paper picks Fairview to win by three points. If they only knew about the phony playbook.

(Mike enters the room.)

Mike: Hey, boys.

Greg: Hi, Dad.

Bobby: Hi, Dad.

Peter: Hey, Dad, wanna win a bundle? Bet on Greg’s team to clobber Fairview.

Mike: Yeah, yeah, listen, I hear you pulled a fast one on Fairview.

Bobby: You mean on that freak, Jerry Rogers.

Peter: Yeah.

Mike: No, no, I mean on Fairview. Don’t you see you’re operating on Jerry Rogers’ level now?

Greg: What do you mean?

Mike: Well, look, he stole your playbook. And if it had been the real one, his team could win, dishonestly. Right?

Greg: Right.

Mike: Okay, now Westdale can win, dishonestly, because the playbook is a fake.

Greg: I never thought of it that way.

Peter: Me either.

Bobby: Diddo.

Mike: Well boys, it just seems to me that the victory is gonna mean something if Westdale beats Fairview in an honest game. And I bet your coach would agree, too.

(Later, Greg is on the phone with Jerry to warn him of the misdeed.)

Jerry (answering his phone): Hello.

Greg: Hi, Jerry. Greg Brady.

Jerry: Oh, hi, Greg. What’s up?

Greg: Look, I’m calling about that playbook you swiped.

Jerry: Are you kididng? Me, swipe your playbook?

Greg: I’m just trying to do you a favor, Jerry.

Jerry: Some favor, calling me a crook.

Greg: Let me put it this way, the book’s a fake. I made up every play in it.

Jerry: I said I didn’t take it. But even if I did, why would you be telling me?

Greg: Because it’s not fair to your team. Look, man, the book’s a phony.

Jery: You’re the phony, Greg, but thanks for the phone call.

(He hangs up. Then Jerry grabs the phone and runs with it. Then we go onto the next scene of the game in progress. The family comes home and tells Alice about the game.)

Cindy: Alice, that was the best ballgame I’ve ever seen.

Peter: Westdale killed them.

Jan: 20 to 7.

Alice: Marvelous!

Bobby: They clobbered them!

Marcia: Jerry Rogers didn’t even finish the game.

Greg: The coach benched him in the first quarter when he found out about the phony playbook. We won fair and square.

Carol: Right.

Alice: Wait till you see what we’re having for dessert. (They all ponder happily while Greg says he’s ready for it. Alice takes a huge cake out of the refrigerator) We’re gonna celebrate the big victory.

(She shows them a cake that says Congratulations Westdale League Champs.)

Carol: Oh, Alice, that is beautiful.

Mike: Hey, Alice, what if Westdale had lost?

Alice: Oh, that’s simple, Mr. Brady.

(He gives Jan the cake to hold and gets another cake.)

Carol: There she goes again.

Alice: We would have settled for this.

(She shows them another cake that says Better luck next year Westdale. The scene fades.)

9The final scene has Tank coming to visit one more time. Carol opens the door and lets him in.)

Tank: Hi, Twinkles.

Carol: Oh, hi, Tank. (calling) Mike, look who’s here.

Tank: I just stopped by to say so long. I got to get going.

Mike: Hi, Tank.

(He shakes his hand.)

Tank: Sorry I missed you at the game. That son of yours is not a bad halfback, Mac.

Mike: That’s Mike.

Carol: That really must have made you happy when your old alma mater won the biggy. Huh, Tank.

Tank: Are you kidding? That stupid game costed me 100 bucks.

Mike: Westdale won.

Tank: Yeah, but I heard a rumor thta Fairview got ahold of Westdale’s plays. I figured I had me a sure thing.

Carol (shocked): You mean you betted against your old alma mater?

Tank: Come on. Loyalty’s one thing, a buck’s another. Well, so long, Twinkles, it’s been great seeing you. You too, Mac.

(He walks out the door.)

Carol (yelling): That’s Mike! (She shuts the door) Can you imagine him betting against his own school?

Mike: I can imagine him doing most anytohng.

Carol: He’s got some nerve. What a phony.

Mike: Listen, that’s your hero you’re talking about, Twinkles.

Carol: Oh, you know I was just needling you. He never was my kinda guy.

Mike: What is your kinda gyy?

Carol: The kind of guy you are, Mike.

(She kisses him.)

Mike: That’s Mac, and I’m poetry in motion.

(He gives her a dip and kisses her.)


S5 E8 My Brother’s Keeper

My Brother’s Keeper

Written by Michael Morris

Bobby saves Peter’s life and Peter becomes his slave. Hope you enjpy the script.











(The episode begins with Peter gardening in the backyard and Greg on a ladder painting a shutter.)

Peter: Hey Greg, you sure you wouldn’t want to trade jobs?

Greg: Aha, you stick with your green thumb and I’ll do likewise with the green paint.

Alice (calling): Telephone Greg.

Greg: Who is it?

Alice: Well, I’m not sure. The name is Joe but the voice is soprano.

Greg: Must be Joanne. I’ll take it up here.

(Bobby takes the trash out while Peter speaks to the plants.)

Peter (to the plant): Hey, you’re Wilton. Listen, either you striaghten up your place she loves me, she loves me not with your petals.

Bobby: Who are you talking to?

Peter: This flower, it makes them grow better. Did you know a lot of people talk to flowers?

Bobby: Yeah, but you’re the only one who thinks he gets answers.

Peter: That’s funny.

(He grabs the hose to water the flowers and accidentally knocks over the ladder with the paint. It falls in his direction.)

Bobby: Pete, look out.

(He pushes Peter out of the way and steps back. The open can of paint spills all over him. Peter notices the plants are crushed.)

Peter: Those pots! They could’ve been my head!

Bobby: Who cares about the dumb old pots! Look at me!

Peter: Bobby, you saved my life. (He shakes his hand) Thanks, I owe you my life.

Bobby: Forget it!

Peter: No way, somehow, someway, I’m gonna pay you back for this.

(The scene fades.)

(In the next scene, Alice runs outside.)

Alice: What happened?

Greg (from the upstairs window): Hey, which one of you clowns knocked over my paint?

(Mike comes running out.)

Mike: Oh, no. You hurt?

Bobby: No, just green.

Peter: Dad, that ladder was heading straight for my head, and Bobby pushed me out of the way, at the risk of his own life. (to Bobby) I’ll never forget it. Never.

Mike (to Bobby): Well, welcome to our planet. With this water base, I better hose you down.

Peter: I’m really shook with that brush with death. Bobby’s a real hero.

Mike: Peter, would you go up to your room?

Peter: Okay.

Alice: I’ll fill up the bathtub, Mr. Brady. Would you please send me up whatever’s left?

Bobby: You better hurry, Dad, feels like I’m beginning to harden.

Mike: Okay.

(He turns the hose on and sprays Bobby down. Carol and the girls come home.)

Mike (to Bobby): Close your eyes and your mouth.

Marcia: Looks like Greg painted Bobby instead of the shutter.

Carol: What in the world?

(The girls all laugh.)

Cindy: Hey, it’s the jolly green midget.

Jan: He looks like a leprechaun with a skin condition.

Bobby: Very funny.

Carol: Mike, what happened?

Mike: The ladder fell under with the paint bucket on it and guess who was under it.

Bobby: Hurry up, Dad, I’m freezing.

Carol: Mike, I better get him into a hot bath.

Bobby: If being a hero means extra baths, forget it.

(Next, Carol comes into Peter’s room. he is sitting at his desk writing.)

Carol: Hello, Peter. Glad to see you doing homework.

Peter: This isn’t my homework. I’m making out my will.

Carol: Your will?

Peter: I’m leaving all my earthly possessions to Bobby for saving my life.

Carol: Well, that’s very sweet of you, Peter.

Peter: If it wasn’t for Bobby’s bravery, I wouldn’t be talking to you. This will is the least I can do.

Carol: By the way, where is your beneficiary?

Peter: Oh, he’s still in the tub.

(Carol goes in the bathroom to see how Bobby is doing.)

Carol: Hi.

Bobby: I guess I looked pretty weird, didn’t I.

Carol: No, not for a creature from the green lagoon. I think you’ve been in there long enough. Dinner’s just about ready, and Alice has fixed something really special for our hero. Okay.

(Cut to downstairs, the rest of the family is at the dinner table. The girls are discussing what to do with their room.)

Cindy: I still say the flowered wallpaper is the prettiest for our room.

Jan: Cindy, when it comes to interior decorating, you make a good lumberjack. I like the stripes.

Marcia: You make it two lumberjacks. You know, I read a book on color psychology, and they say the earth colors are very restful.

Greg: Sure, if you’re being buried.

Jan: Marcia, we can’t have a lot of browns and blacks in our room.

(The girls then start to argue. Mike clinks on his glass.)

Mike: Hold it, girls. Look, I have agreed to re-paper your bedroom, but only in one pattern, right.

Carol: Yes, and you better agree on one pretty fast or we’re gonna forget about it.

Peter: You waste all your prescious time arguing about insignificant things. Wallpaper’s so unmeaningful in the scheme of things.

Mike: What scheme of things were you referring to, Peter?

Peter: Life. Have you ever stopped to consider the value of one’s life? To one’s existence?

Greg: Without life, you’re dead.

(He laughs out loud. Carol, Mike and the girls all join in.)

Peter: Sure, go ahead and laugh. You guys haven’t been at death’s door.

Marcia (laughing): You haven’t even made it to the front porch.

Carol: Peter, aren’t you taking that near miss this morning just a little seriously?

Peter (dramatically): Oh, mother, mother, mother, you don’t know how it feels to be snatched form the jaws of doom and be given a new chance at life.

(Bobby comes down to join the family.)

Bobby: Sorry I’m late, I took such a long bath I’m like a wrinkled prune.

(Peter gets up.)

Peter: Have a seat, pal.

Bobby: Thanks, Peter.

(Alice comes out with the dinner.)

Alice: The all-American dish for the all-American hero. (They all cheer) Hungarian goulash.

Cindy: Since when is Hungarian goulash American?

Alice: Since Zsa Zsa Gabor became a citizen. (They all laugh) And I would’ve whipped up a medal too but all the gold went to buy meat.

(Peter clinks on his glass. He stands up and raises it.)

Peter: I’d like to propose a toast to the bravest person in the world.

Mike: I’ll toast him, who is he?

Peter: My brother Bobby.

(They all raise their glasses for Bobby.)

Bobby: Peter, it’s nice to know you think I’m so brave, but honest…

Peter: Let me finish. I wanna make a solemn promise, and you’re all my witnesses, that I’m gonna be worthy of the life Bobby’s given back to me.

Greg: Here’s to Bobby.

Peter: And also, that I, Peter Brady, am going to be Bobby Brady’s slave for life.

Mike: Well, I don’t think you have to go that far, Peter.

Bobby: Me either. But if that’s what he wants.

(The next scene has Bobby in his room shining his shoes. Peter enters and grabs the shoes.)

Peter: Oh no you don’t.

Bobby: What are you doing?

Peter: I’m polishing your shoes, that’s what I’m doing. And I’m gonna do it every day for you.

Bobby: You don’t have to do that.

Peter: I owe you. Go do something you enjoy.

Bobby: Thanks, Peter, that’s really nice of you.

Peter: It’s nothing, If it wasn’t for you, instead of polishing these shoes, I’d be polishing my heart at the pearly gates.

(Bobby reads a magazine and Peter starts to whistle. Bobby looks at him annoyed.)

Peter: Oh, sorry about that, pal.

Bobby: It’s okay.

Peter: No, it’s really inconsiderate of me to whistle while you’re trying to read. I won’t do it again.

Bobby: I didn’t really want to read anyway.

(He goes to get his radio.)

Peter: How’s that?

Bobby: You missed a spot right there.

Peter: Oh, right, right, I’ll get that. Sorry about that.

(Bobby turns on the radio and gets upset over the static.)

Bobby: Darn this radio. All I get is static.

Peter: Leave it to me. I’ll fix it right after I finish these shoes. (Cindy knocks on the door) I’ll get it.

Cindy: Barbara wants you on the phone.

Peter: What does she want?

Cindy: She says her party started half an hour ago, and where are you?

Peter: Oh, well tell her I can’t make it. Something much more important came up.

Cindy: Okay, but she’ll be mad.

Bobby: Peter, you don’t have to cancel a party, just for me.

Peter: Bobby, how can I enjoy a dumb old party knowing that the person who saved my life is sitting home with a bad case of static.

(We take you to the girls’ room. The girls have a wallpaper picked out and Mike comes in to inspect.)

Mike: Mom tells me you finally chose your wallpaper.

Jan: Yeah, Dad, here it is.

Marcia: It was unaminous.

Mike: Hey, that’s terrific. How did you all mange to agree?

Cindy: We didn’t.

Mike: You just said it was unaminous.

Jan: Well, it was unaminous that we flip a coin for it.

Mike: Oh, I see. well, that’s the democratic way. Well, tomorrow I’ll round up the boys and we’ll get started.

Marcia: Great. You won’t get Peter to help, though. He’s too busy being Bobby’s slave.

Jan: Yeah, Bobby saved Peter’s life and now Peter is working himself to death.

(Meanwhile. Peter is outside working on a go-cart. Bobby comes by.)

Bobby: That’s really great. Can I ride it sometime?

Peter: Sometime? All the time. I’m making it for you pal.

Bobby: Me? How come?

Peter: He saves my life and asks how come.

Bobby: That’s really great of you, Pete. But honest, you don’t have to.

Peter: But I do.

Bobby: No you don’t.

Peter: Bobby, I do.

Bobby: Well, if you insist.

(Later on, Bobby is reading in the family room and the phone rings.)

Carol (from the kitchen): Bobby, honey, will you get that for me please?

Bobby: Yeah. (phone rings again. Bobby answers) Hello. Oh, hi, Steve. No, I can’t make it to the ball game. Well, sure I’m loyal to the team but, I got some work to do around the house. (He sees Peter coming) Hey, hold on a minute, Steve. (He notices Peter hurt his thumb) Something wrong with your thumb?

Peter (bitterly): Yeah, I was working on your go cart and I smashed it with a hammer.

Bobby: Well, I guess that rules out the favor I was gonna ask.

Peter: What favor?

Bobby: No, I couldn’t ask a guy with a sore thumb, even if I did save his life.

Peter: Go ahead, ask me.

Bobby: No, it just wouldn’t be right after you polished my shoes, made my bed, cleaned out my closet, fixed my radio, oiled my bike, took out the trash for me an dall those other things.

Peter (upset): Will you ask me?

Bobby: Well, Steve wants me to watch him pitch against the wooden wolves. But it’s my turn to clip the stupid hedges. And if you could (Pause) No, it just wouldn’t be fair for you to be clipping the hedges while I’m sitting in the ballgame eating hot dogs and snowcones.

Peter: I’d clip the stupid hedges but I got a date with Barbara, whose party I missed because of you.

Bobby: Oh, well, it’s okay Pete, I understand. You don’t have to clip the stupid hedges just because I saved your life.

Peter (annoyed): Okay, I’ll cancel Barbara again and clip the stupid hedges!

Bobby: You don’t have to if you really don’t wan tto.

Peter (bitterly): I want to, I want to, as soon as I take care of my thumb!

9He goes into the kitchen.)

Carol: Peter, let me see that. Honey, you better soak that in cold water until the swelling goes down.

(Bobby gets back on the phone.)

Bobby: Got it all worked out. Meet you in the park. Bye.

(He hangs up and heads to the park.)

Bobby: See you later, Mom.

Carol: Bobby. You have really been running Peter ragged. Don’t you think you might be overdoing a good thing?

Bobby: Oh no, Mom, Peter’s enjoying every minute of it.

(Later on, Peter is in the bathroom nursing his injured knee. Greg comes by.)

Greg: What happened to you?

Peter: I was clipping the stupid hedges and I fell into the rosebush.

Greg: I thought it was Bobby’s turn to clip the stupid hedges.

Peter: It was, but I volunteered.

Greg: You volunteered or were you drafted?

Peter: What’s the difference?

Greg: Look, I’ve seen what’s going on, Bobby’s making a pigeon out of you.

Peter: I’d rather not talk about it.

Greg: Okay, but it’s your wings that are getting clipped.

(Peter goes into his room and notices Bobby’s shoes on the floor. He angrily kicks them out of his way. Then he goes and lies on his bed. Bobby enters.)

Bobby: Hey Pete, Steve clobbered them. He pitched a two-hitter and won 14-13.

Peter: How did they get 13 runs in a two-hitter?

Bobby: Steve gave them a few walks. (He grabs a chair and sits down next to Peter) The coach was Mr. Ellis.

Peter: So.

Bobby: He’s the circulation manager for a magazine. They’re having a big contest. The guy who sells the most subscriptions wins a surfboard.

Peter: So.

Bobby: One thing I’d really like is a surfboard.

Peter: Lots of luck.

Bobby: I don’t stand a chance of winning alone.

Peter (annoyed): If that’s a hint, I got more important things to do than sell magazine subscripions!

Bobby: You got time to lay on your bed doing nothing.

Peter (getting up): Doing nothing? I’m wiped out from doing all the work here for you, and besides that, Barbara’s not even speaking to me anymore.

Bobby: It was your idea. (He mimics Peter) I, Peter Brady, am your slave for life. Isn’t that what you said?

Peter (bitterly): Okay, I’ll help you sell magazinre subscriptions!

Bobby: No! Not if you’re gonna be mad about it!

Peter (shouting): I’m not mad!

Bobby: You’re mad, and I’m not gonna accept any more favors unless you do it with a smile on your face!

Peter: I’m smiling, see!

(He fakes a smile.)

Bobby: That’s not a smile smile. Forget I saved your life!

Peter: You want to know the truth, I’m sorry I saved your life! Selfish people like you isn’t living!

Bobby: Talk about ungrateful! That’s how you feel stay away from falling ladders when I’m around, because I’m not gonna be around!

Peter: Great, because I got nothing more to say to you for the rest of my life!

Bobby: And I got nothing more to say to you for the rest of my life!

Peter: Fine, and you know somethiong else, I’m writing you out of my will.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Peter sitting down for breakfast in the kitchen. Alice is making a new cereal for him.)

Peter: What kind of cereal is this?

Alice: Well, it’s something new we’re trying. Instead of popping, cracking and exploding, it just lays there and tastes good.

(Bobby and Cindy come in.)

Cindy: Boy, I’m starved this morning.

Alice: Two glasses of cal juice, two bowls of cereal coming right up.

Bobby: Forget me, Alice. I’m particular who I eat with.

Peter: And I just lost my appetite.

(Bobby goes into the family room an dPeter goes the other way. He sees Carol.)

Carol: Hi, Mom.

Carol: Hi, Peter.

Alice: I bring you the latest war bulletin, Mrs. Brady. All is quiet on the western front.

Carol: Oh, did Peter and Bobby make up?

Alice: No, all is quiet because they’re not speaking to each other.

Carol: Oh, but let me tell you something, Alice, if those boys don’t make up pretty soon, we’re gonna start a counter attack on their rear blank.

(We take you to the girls’ room. Mike and Greg are helping them plaster for the new wallpaper.)

Mike: Listen, you guys, just plaster the holes, not the spots. Okay.

Cindy: This is hard work.

Greg: We just got started.

Jan: Good time to remember to do homework.

Greg: Hey, no goofing off.

Marcia: Okay, I just want to ask Dad one question.

Greg: Yeah, what’s that?

Marcia: How long before we take a coffee break?

(They laugh.)

Mike: Never mind, just plaster.

(Bobby comes in.)

Bobby: Greg.

Greg: Yeah.

Bobby: Can I talk to you for a second?

Greg: Sure.

(They go outside in the hall.)

Bobby: I just wanted to ask you…

Greg: Sorry, Bobby, you can’t move into my room with me.

Bobby: How did you know I was gonna ask that?

Greg: Because Peter asked me the same question before you did.

Bobby: Well I’d be a lot better roommate than that ungrateful creep.

Greg: Bobby, Pete is very grateful for what you did. Let’s face it, you used him.

Bobby: Well, I saved his life, didn’t I.

Greg: Look, I’m not gonna argue about it. You two are stuck with each other.

Bobby: Not if I can help it.

Greg: Well, you’re not moving in with me, so you better work out a peaceful co-existance.

(Greg goes back in the room.)

Bobby (to himself): Boy, nobody in this house has any respect for a hero.

(Next, Bobby is in his bedroom. He is at the desk writing and Peter comes in. He is putting nuts on his bed.)

Bobby: You’re just doing that to bug me.

Peter: I’m doing it because I happen to like nuts. If it bugs you, leave the room!

Bobby: It’s much my room as it is yours!

Peter: Hey, then you do your thing over there and I’ll do my thing over here! (He gets up and gets tape from his drawer) And just so there will be no misunderstandings, (he puts tape in the middle of the floor) this is your part of the room, and this is my part of the room. This is no-man’s land.

(Bobby stands out to where Peter is taping and he tapes over Bobby’s shoes. Bobby turns on the radio and puts it where the tape is.)

Peter: Great! I love music!

(After a moment’s pause, he takes the TV and puts it down there to elevate the noise. Bobby unplugs it.)

Peter: Hey, plug that back in, it’s my TV set!

Bobby: It’s my outlet, and you want to know something else.

Peter: I can’t hear you through no-man’s land.

Bobby: Well you better listen a lot harder. because this will really interest you.

Peter: What?

Bobby: YThe bathroom is on my side of no-man’s land.

(He goes into the bathroom. This leaves Peter enraged.)

NOTE: This was the only BB episode where we heard a toilet flush. This happened right after Bobby went in the bathroom.

(Next, Mike puts up a part of the wallpaper in the girls’ room. The girls watch, as well as Greg and Alice.)

Mike: And, smooth it out, here it is. How do you like it, girls?

(They all give their approval.)

Alice: Very nice, Mr. Brady. Very, very nice.

(She takes a few steps back.)

Mike (yelling): Alice!

(They all stare at her and we find out she accidentally stepped in paint. They all laiugh.)

(Next, Bobby comes into the kitchen.)

Bobby: You want to play a game or something, Alice?

Alice: Oh, gee, I’m sorry Bobby, not tonight. I got to go to bed early. I didn’t sleep very well last night.

Bobby: Why not?

Alice: I stayed up half the night watching one of those TV horror movies. The demon that devoured Detroit. Gave both of us heartburn.

(She leaves and Bobby sees Greg.)

Bobby: Wanna watch some TV with me, Greg?

Greg: Sorry, I got a date. See you later.

(Bobby sees the girls all leaving.)

Bobby: Where are you going?

Marcia: We’re going to spend the night at my friend Helen’s house.

Bobby: How come?

Jan: That wallpaper paint made our room smell so icky.

Marcia: Have fun.

(They leave.)

Bobby (to himself): Yeah, whoopie.

(Mike and Carol leave as well.)

Mike: Good night, son.

Carol: Don’t stay up past your bedtime.

(She kisses him.)

Bobby: Might as well go to sleep right now. There’s nobody around here to do anything with.

Carol: Oh, now, Bobby, Peter’s home.

Bobby: That’s the same thing as being alone.

(Mike reaches for his coat in the closet.)

Mike: Bob, look, this has gone far enough. Now, I want you to go upstairs and make up with Peter right now.

Bobby: He’s the one that should apologize to me.

Mike: Wrong. You’re the one who took advantage of the situation.

Carol: Right. Why don’t you go on upstairs tell Peter you’re sorry. Okay?

Bobby (after a pause): Okay.

Carol: Good night, sweetheart.

Bobby: Good night.

(Carol and Mike leave and Bobby goes upstairs. He comes in the room through the bathroom. Peter is in there working on an airplane.)

Bobby: Pete, I just want to say I’m sorry.

Peter: I bet you are.

Bobby: I am. I apologize for saving your life.

Peter (in disbelief): You apologize for saving my life?

Bobby: Yeah. You see if I haven’t of, then, you wouldn’t have done me all those favors, and promised to be my slave for life, and you wouldn’t have quit in only a week, and you wouldn’t have gotten mad. So I’m sorry for saving your life.

Peter: That’s the crummiest apology I ever heard!

Bobby: It wasn’t crummy, I was being sincere!

Peter: Sincerely crummy!

Bobby: Well in that case, I take back my apology!

Peter: Good. Creep.

(An angry Bobby throws his pillow at Peter. He breaks Peter’s airplane.)

Peter (angry): Okay, now you’re gonna get it.

(Bobby starts to run toward the bathroom door but Peter cuts him off. Then he tries running out the other door but Peter gets in his way. Then Bobby locks himself in the closet. He breaks the door knob in the process.)

Peter: You can stay in there all night, for all I care!

(Bobby tries to fix the knob but then it falls off completely. He bangs on the door and yells for Peter.)

Bobby: Peter, the doorknob’s busted! Let me out! I’ll apologize again, better!

(Peter is downstairs on the phone with a friend.)

Peter: I’m sorry, Fred, but I got all night to shoot the breeze.

(Bobby is banging on the door, screaming for Peter.)

Bobby: Pete! Peter, you gotta let me out! (He continues banging) Peter!

(Peter is on the phone with another friend.)

Peter: Yeah, Ernie, I’d love to meet her. Uh, huh. Oh, yeah.

(He giggles and now Bobby is trying to force the door open himself.)

Bobby (screaming): Pete! Somebody, anybody, Let me out! (Pete comes in the room while Bobby continues to bang and yell for him to let him out. Peter opens the door.)

Bobby: Thanks, Pete.

(He shakes his hand.)

Peter: All I did was open the door.

Bobby: Yeah, you saved my life.

Peter: Stop overacting.

(He lays on the bed with Bobby’s pillow.)

Bobby: I’m not. I could have suffocated. You see.

(He pretends he was short on breath.)

Peter (laughing): There’s plenty of air in there.

Bobby: Maybe but, what about the fire.

Peter: What fire?

Bobby: The one that starts from spontaneous combustions. We studied that in school.

Peter: You and your dumb imagination.

Bobby: You know, that can happen all the time. (He starts to get dramatic) Closet filled with smoke. There I am, choking to death. Can’t even scream for help. (He pretends he’s choking to death) I’m looking at the closet door. I’m trapped inside. Suddenly, you bust in and save me. You’re a real hero, Pete.

Peter: Come on.

Bobby: No, really, you saved my life.

Peter: If you insist.

Bobby: I insist.

Peter: Okay, then now, you’re my slave. You can start off by polishing my shoes…

Bobby: Nobody’s anybody’s slave. We saved each other, now we’re even.

Peter: I guess you’re right.

Bobby: I’m really sorry for taking advantage of you. Okay?

Peter: Okay. You’re back in my will.

(They shake hands and make up. The scene fades out.)

(The final scene has the girls’ room completed with the wallpaper.)

Mike: That is not bad if I say so myself.

(Carol and the girls all agree.)

Carol: Mike, you know, it is so beautiful, that I was thinking…

Mike: Oh, no, I remember last year when you started thinking after we painted our bedroom, you wanted to paint the bedrooms, wanted to paint the halls, you wanted to paint downstairs. Right?

Carol: Oh well, honey, in this case, after all, the bathroom is connected to the bedroom. And the hallway is connected to the bedroom. And…

Mike: You’re forgetting one thing.

Carol: What’s that.

Mike: This whole house is connected to my wallet.

Carol: Oh.

(The girls laugh.)


S5 E7 Marcia Gets Creamed

Marcia Gets Creamed

Written by Bill Freedman and Ben Gershman

Marcia gets her first job but loses it to Jan. I hope you like the script.











MR. HASKELL, owner of ice cream hut

JEFF, Marcia’s boyfriend

(The episode begins with Greg driving in with Mike’s car. He realizes the car needs to be cleaned so he starts to wipe off the hood. Peter comes home on his bike in a sour mood.)

Greg: Hi, Pete. (Pete parks the bike) Struck out again, huh.

Peter: I’ll be as old as you before I find a job.

Greg: Why don’t you become a brain surgeon. They make lots of loot. (He laughs but Peter doesn’t) Hang in there, something’s bound to turn up.

Peter: But I need a stereo tape deck with four speakers right now.

(Marcia comes home.)

Marcia: Hey! Wait till you hear what just happened!

Greg: Yeah.

Marcia: On the way to the library, I was passing Haskell’s Ice Cream hut. And Mr. Haskell was putting up a sign on the window. Help wanted, part time.

Peter: (excited): Wow, thanks, Marcia. (He gets on his bicycle) I better get right down there.

Marcia: It’s too late.

Peter (stopping): What?

Marcia: The job’s already taken.

Peter: By who?

Marcia: Me.

Peter: You?

Marcia: Sure. (Peter gets very upset) Isn’t anybody gonna congratulate me?

Greg: Well, I will, but I wouldn’t count too heavy on Peter.

Marcia: Why?

Peter: I’ve been looking for a job all week.

Marcia: I’m sorry, Pete. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time.

Peter: Yeah, sure.

Marcia: There’s Jan (calling) Jan! Wait till I tell her the good news.

Peter (disgusted): I don’t get it. I wear out a pair of bike tires looking for a job all over town, and one falls right in her lap. Some people get all the luck.

(He throws his bike into the garage in frustration. We hear a crashing sound. The scene fades out.)

(The next scene has Bobby and Cindy polishing Marcia’s shoes.)

Bobby: How’s that?

Cindy: Make them shinier.

(Marcia comes in the room.)

Marcia: What are you two doing to my shoes?

Cinmdy: We’re polishing them.

Marcia: Why?

Bobby: To show you how much we appreciate you.

Marcia: This wouldn’t have anytihng to do with my new job, would it?

Cindy: What new job?

Bobby: We don’t know anything about Marcia having a new job, do we, Cindy?

Cindy: No.

Marcia: Oh, it’s gonna be very exciting. You see, I get to work in a hardware store.

Bobby (shocked): Hardware store?

Cindy: We thought you were working in an ice cream parlor.

Marcia (laughing): Didn’t know anything about it, huh?

Bobby: Well, we might have heard a rumor.

Cindy: And if you think we’re polishing your shoes just for free ice cream…

Bobby: You’re absolutely right.

(Downstairs, Carol and Alice are preparing to serve dinner. Mike comes in.)

Mike: Mmm hmm, how long before dinner?

Carol: Not long now.

(Alice takes some carrots and lettuce out of the refrigerator.)

Alice: Here’s something for me right now, carrots and lettuce. I’m beginning to get pink eyes and a twitchy little nose. Meat is but a memory.

Mike: Remember what I said, Alice. Will power, it’s all in the head.

Carol: Oh no, honey, that’s not where it’s at.

Alice: You’re way off target, Mr. Brady. (She starts patting her hips) I guess dieting is just easier for some people than it is others.

Mike: For me it would be a cinch. Fortunately, I don’t have to because I have not gained an ounce since college.

Carol (disbelieving): Not an ounce, huh.

Mike: Nope, not an ounce.

(He starts eating a biscuit they made for dinner.)

Carol: How long has it been since you weighted yourself?

Mike: I don’t have to weigh myself. I can feel it.

Carol: Mmm hmm, Alice, the scale please.

Mike: what are you doing with a scale in the kitchen?

Alice: That’s to keep me semi-honest. Whenever I feel like cheating on my diet, I weigh myself. But then I cheat anyway.

(She sets the scale down.)

Carol (to Mike): Come on, on the scale.

Mike: Oh, honey, what’s the point? I told you, not an ounce.

Carol: Oh, you’re just chicken.

Mike: I’m not chicken.

Alice: Please don’t talk about food.

Carol: Come on, on the scale. (He steps on) there you go. (They check to see what his weight is) You’re right, you haven’t gained an ounce, you gained seven pounds.

Alice: Exactly.

Mike: Wait a minute. You gotta allow for my clothes.

Carol: All right, we’ll allow about four pounds for clothes. You still have three extra pounds.

Mike: What’s three pounds? Listen, if I want to, I can lose it like that.

Alice: Oh, if I could lose it like that, (she snaps her fingers) I’d be a Spanish dancer.

Carol: Honey, why don’t you show Alice how it’s done.

Mike: What?

Carol: Will power. (She takes his biscuit) Remember?

Alice: Oh, Mr. Brady, it would be so much easier if we were both on a diet.

Mike: Yeah, but what about dinner? I mean, the pot roast, the buttered noodles and the biscuits.

Carol (handing him the carrots and lettuce): Have a bag of will power.

(Mike takes the bag and shakes it. We next see Marcia answering the door. It’s her boyfriend, Jeff.)

Jeff: Hi.

Marcia: Hi, come on in.

Jeff: Thanks, but I just stopped by for a minute.

Marcia: Oh, okay. (She goes outside with him to talk) Hi.

Jeff: Hi, listen, about tomorrow, do you want to meet me at the tennis court or should I pick you up?

Marcia: I’m sorry Jeff, but I’ll have to break our date. Tomorrow I start a new job at Haskell’s Ice Cream hut.

Jeff: Yeah, but I reserved the court and everything.

Marcia: I’m just as disappointed as you are. But you know what they say, business before pleasure.

Jeff: Yeah, that’s what they say.

Marcia: Look, why don’t you make a reservation for us to play some night. I get off work at 6.

Jeff: Yeah, okay, I’ll be in touch.

Jeff: Okay.

Marcia: Okay, good bye.

(He leaves and Marcia goes inside. Next, Mike comes in the kitchen for breakfast.)

Mike: Boy, am I famished. That little bag of vegetables last night didn’t go very far.

Carol: Alice, Mr. Brady is famished.

Alice: Breakfast coming right up.

Mike: I will have my eggs likely basted.

Alice (putting it in front of him): Breakfast is served, Mr. Brady.

Mike: What’s that?

Carol: Breakfast.

Mike (surprised): Dry toast and coffee? (They both nod) It isn’t enough to keep a hummingbird alive.

Carol: It is if the hummingbird has willpower. (He reaches for cream) Ah, ah, cream is a no-no.

Mike: Well, that figures.

(He reaches for jam.)

Alice: And jam is a double no-no.

Mike: Is there anything around here thta’s a yes-yes? (Alice shakes her head no) I would settle for a maybe-maybe. (Carol hands him a bag) What’s this?

Alice: Lunch.

Mike: Since when do i take my lunch to work?

Carol: Since you stepped on that scale.

(Mike looks inside the bag.)

Mike: An apple, two crackers and a little piece of cheese?

Alice: That’s a full ounce of cheese.

Mike (frustrated): How did I get into this?

Carol: You and your big fat willpower.

(Cut to the ice cream parlor. Marcia serves Bobby and Cindy.)

Marcia: Here you are.

Bobby: We can get cones this big any place in town.

Marcia: You only paid for a single scoop.

Cindy: Yes, but we’re relatives.

Mr. Haskell: Marcia, look at those skimpy cones. That’s no way to treat the family. (to the kids) Let me have them. Give me the cones, here, I’ll take care of them. (He gives them each another scoop) Here you are, kids, live a little.

Cindy: Thanks.

Bobby: From now on, you get all our business.

Marcia: Kids, why don’t you go sit at the table.

(Meanwhile, Mr. Haskell makes a cone for Alice, who is trying in vain to fight for will power.)

Mr. Haskell: For you, compliments of the house.

Alice: No thanks, Mr. Haskell, I’m on a diet.

Mr. Haskell: it’s my newset creation, pineapple raspberry rhapsody.

Alice: Use your will power, Alice.

Mr. Haskell: Come on, one spoonful, you’ll love it.

Alice: Remember your diet, Alice. (He waves it in her face) Remember your hips, Alice. (to the kids) I’ll wait for you kids outside.

(Later on, Jeff comes down to the parlor to see Marcia.)

Jeff: Hi, how’s it going?

Marcia: Hi, busy, but I love it.

Jeff: I hope you have enough strength for our tennis date tonight.

Marcia: I’ve got the strength but I don’t have the time.

Jeff: I thought you said you get off at 6.

Marcia: I do, but this job’s put me behind schedule and I’ve got to write a book report.

Jeff: Wow, between this job and school, there’s no time left for me.

Marcia: I’m sorry, Jeff, just as soon as I get caught up, we’ll have lots of time together. (A customer walks in) Excuse me, okay. (to the customer) I’ll be right with you.

(Back home, Peter is still trying to find a job.)

Greg: How’s the job hunting?

Peter: Zero. I devoted nine years of my life to education and all I’m qualified to do is fill out job applications.

(We take you back to the ice cream hut. Mr. Haskell is having trouble sweeping the floor.)

Mr. Haskell: I don’t know what got into this broom. Twenty years ago it swept by itself. It glides and it’s stiff.

Marcia: Mr. Haskell, maybe it’s not the broom. You’re here morning, noon and night. Why don’t you slow down a little.

Mr. Haskell: Marcia, in the ice cream business when you slow down, you melt. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should take afternoons off. Find a hobby.

Marcia: Good idea.

Mr. Haskell: So, where am I gonna find a helper as good as you?

Marcia: Well, I know someone very much like me, and he does need a job.

Mr. Haskell: Someone close to you?

Marcia: Close enough to be my brother. In fact, he is my brother.

Mr. Haskell: Good, if one Brady is good, two are better. Effective immediately, you are in charge of the afternoon shift.

Marcia (thrilled): Me? Thanks.

Mr. Haskell: Well, here goes my first afternoon off in 20 years. I’m gonna relax even if it kills me.

(Marcia gets on the phone. Next, we see Peter down at the ice cream hut, helping Marcia.)

Peter: Marcia, you’re the gretaest, most fantastic sister a guy ever had.

Marcia: Thanks, but let’s not overdo it.

Peter: No, I’m serious, you’re super. You’re making it possible for me to get the new stereo tape deck.

(Peter takes a lick of an ice cream cone he made.)

Marcia: Well.

Peter: Well what?

Marcia: Aren’t you gonna finish wiping the counter?

Peter: Sure, right after I take an ice cream break.

(He takes out a comic book and reads it, much to Marcia’s chagrin. Next, Peter sweeps and puts the mess under one of the tables.)

Marcia: Peter, what do you think you’re doing?

Peter: Who looks under the table?

Marcia: I do.

Peter: Be my guest.

(He sits down and leaves Marcia to do the sweeping. She angrily tells him to put up his feet so she can get it. He is next on the phone.)

Peter: That’s right, Kevin. I’m a real working man now. You ought to try it sometime.

Marcia: Peter, you have been on that phone all afternoon.

Peter (ignoring her): Uh-huh.

Marcia: Come on, we got work to do.

Peter (to Marcia): I can’t cut Kevin off in the middle. It wouldn’t be polite. (back on the phone) what were you saying, Kevin?

Marcia (upset): Now look, I am not kidding! Get off that phone now!

Peter: Got to go, Kevin. Okay, I’ll see you. (He hangs up) What’s the big hassle?

Marcia: You and your goofing off. Now how about helping me dust under this shelf.

Peter: Oh yeah, sure. Just don’t get so shook. I’ll get on it right away. Just as soon as I make one more phone call.

(Next, Marcia serves a customer.)

Marcia: Thank you.

(She wipes the counter and then notices Peter sitting down listening to the radio. She angrily rushes over to him and turns it off.)

Peter: Hey, what did you do that for? There’s 2 minutes to go and the team is on the one yard line.

Marcia: Peter Brady, you’re fired!

Peter (shocked): Fired?

Marcia: Fired!

(She takes his hat and storms off. Peter is absolutley clueless about the situation as the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Peter at home. He and Bobby are in the bathroom and he tells Bobby about what happened.)

Peter (bitterly): For no reason at all, from right out of left field, she fired me.

Bobby: What a rotten thing to do to your own brother.

Peter: That’s what you get when you give small people power. They can’t handle it.

(Marcia knocks on the door.)

Marcia: Are you gonna be in there all night?

Bobby: Dictator!

Marcia (entering): You brainwashed Bobby!

Peter: No, I didn’t. I told him the truth. You fired me because you’re power hungry.

Marcia: I fired you because you are lazy and you deserved it!

Peter: You know what you are? A company stooge!

Marcia: What’s the use?

(She goes into her room. Peter follows.)

Peter: Okay, run away from the truth, you Captain Bligh dictator!

Marcia: And you’re a capital G goofoff!

(Carol comes in the room.)

Carol: All right, you two kids, cool it.

Peter: Marcia gave me a raw deal!

Carol: In other words, you did everything you were supposed to do?

Peter: i sure did. (They look at him incredulously) Well, I would have as soon as I got around to it. (Pause) Sooner or later. (Pause) Okay, so I’m not perfect.

Marcia: You can say that again.

Carol: Peter, it seems to me that you took advantage of Marcia because she’s your relative. True or false?

Peter (sheepishly): Well…

Carol: True or false?

Peter (weakly): True.

Carol: Well, all right then, what would you have done if the situation was reversed?

Peter: I guess I’d have kicked me out too. (Pause) I apologize Captain Bligh.

(He extends his hand and Marcia shakes it.)

Marcia: Okay, Capital G goofoff.

Peter: Hey, I just thought of something. I put in three days of work. I wonder if I can collect unemployment insurance.

(Carol and Marcia laugh. We next see Marcia on the phone with Jeff.)

Marcia: Hello.

Jeff (on the other line): Listen, Marcia.

Marcia: Hi, Jeff.

Jeff: There’s a great rock concert in the park next Saturday. I thought maybe you’d like to catch it with me.

Marcia: Well, I’m sorry but, I have to work.

Jeff: Oh, well, maybe we can get together Sunday and do something.

Marcia: I’m really sorry but I don’t see how. After working all week, I have to do my homework and shampoo my hair.

Jeff (abruptly): Yeah, I get the message. Business before pleasure. See you around.

Marcia: Bye.

(She hangs up. Next, she is down at the ice cream parlor with Mr. Haskell.)

Marcia: I’m sorry my brother didn’t work out, Mr. Haskell.

Mr. Haskell: Listen, Marcia, not everybody’s suited for the ice cream business.

Marcia: Mr. Haskell, would you take a chance on another Brady?

Mr. Haskell: Another brother?

Marcia: No, a sister.

Mr. Haskell: You mean the little one I met in here?

Marcia: No, this one’s older.

Mr. Haskell: Well, they say this is a woman’s world now.

Marcia: Oh, thanks, Mr. Haskell. And don’t worry, we women won’t let you down.

(Jan is down there and she is mopping the floor and doing a fantastic job.)

Mr. Haskell: She’s a very good worker, Marcia.

Marcia: I told you, Mr. Haskell.

Mr. Haskell: They say golf is a very relaxing game. I think I’ll go out and relax 18 holes worth.

Marcia: Enjoy yourself.

Mr. Haskell: Thank you.

Marcia: And don’t worry. Just leave it to us Brady girls.

Jan: See you later, Mr. Haskell.

Mr. Haskell: Bye.

Marcia: Bye.

(Jan finishes and puts the mop away.)

Jan: What should I do next?

Marcia: Uh, memorize all 29 flavors.

Jan: I already did that. What else?

Marcia: Have some ice cream.

Jan: I came here to work, not eat.

Marcia: Boy, your name sure isn’t Peter.

(Next, Jan continues to do a great job. She serves a customer.)

Jan: Thank you, come again.

(Marcia turns around to clear off a table but Jan gets to it first. She politely serves another customer, then makes a couple of milkshakes. Marcia and Mr. Haskell watch admiringly.)

Mr. Haskell: Marcia, you really picked us a winner this time.

Marcia: Yes sir, Jan’s fantastic.

(Back home, Alice is on the scale. She is hiding her weight with her foot.)

Carol: Ah, come on, Alice. We don’t care. Let us see. (She moves her foot) Hey! Congratulations, you lost four pounds.

Alice: Well, thanks to Mr. Brady and willpower.

Carol (to Mike): Okay, your turn.

Mike (stepping on the scale): Well, I’m sure I lost at least five.

(Alice and Carol look.)

Alice: Whoops.

Carol (astonished): You gained three pounds.

Mike (shocked): That’s impossible.

Carol (sarcastically): No secret eating, huh?

Mike: Not a calorie. Listen, your scale is out of kilters.

Carol: Ow, you’re stepping on my foot.

Mike: That’s because you’re stepping on my foot.

(He picks her up and tries to get her on the scale. Carol is kicking and screaming.)

(Down at the ice cream hut, Marcia goes to take an order. She sees the customer is Jeff and another girl.)

Marcia: May I help you?

Jeff: Yes, please. (She starts to get upset) Hi, Marcia.

Marcias: Hi, Jeff.

Jeff: We’d like two lover’s delights specials.

(He puts his arm around the girl.)

Marcia: Two lover’s delights.

(She walks away.)

Jeff: Oh, could you hurry that up, please. We’re going to a drive-in movie.

(She goes behind the counter.)

Marcia (to jan): Two lovers delights.

Jan: The nerve of him.

Marcia: I couldn’t care less. Who needs him? He can go out with anybody he wants.

Jan: Then why are you so upset?

Marcia: Who’s upset? Just because he happens to be fickle doesn’t upset me. I would think he would have better taste, though.

Jan: I think she’s kind of pretty.

Marcia: Only in sort of an obvious way. She’s practically sitting in his lap.

(She takes some whipped cream.)

Jan: Two lover’s delights.

(Marcia brings them over to Jeff and his date. She sets them on the table.)

Marcia: Here we go. Two lover’s delights. Would you care for whipped cream?

Jeff: Yeah, please.

Marcia: Okay.

(She shakes it and then sprays it all over Jeff.)

Jeff (angry): Look what you did!

(Jan laughs from behind the counter.)

Marcia: Oh, I’m sorry.

(She then sprays it all over his date. They get angrier and leave. They refuse Marcia’s offer to wipe it off them. Jan comes up to Marcia.)

Jan: Marcia, he left without paying.

Marcia: This treat’s on me. (She and Jan sit down) Boys, from now on I’m dedicating myself to my own career.

Jan: What career?

(Mr. Haskell comes in.)

Marcia: This one. Now, I’m afternoon manager. Soon I’ll be full manager, and someday Mr. Haskell will make me his partner. (He comes up to the girls) Hi, partner. I mean, Mr. Haskell.

Mr. Haskell: Hello, girls. (He sits down with them.) Sit down, Jan. Sit down a minute. Well, I did my best but it’s no good.

Jan: What’s no good?

Mr. Haskell: Teaching an old dog new tricks. People said I needed relaxation, so I relaxed. I went to play golf. Trying to get that little ball into that little hole. I almost had a nervous breakdown.

Jan: That’s too bad.

Mr. Haskell: The best relaxation for me is going back to work afternoons.

Jan: That means you won’t need one of us.

Mr. Haskell: That’s right, Jan.

Marcia (to Jan): Tough break.

Mr. Haskell: Marcia, Marcia you are a very good worker.

Marcia: Thank you, Mr. Haskell.

Mr. Haskell: And an employer has to take care of his best workers, right.

Marcia: Right.

Mr. Haskell: Like I said, you are a very good worker, Marcia. But, Jan here is a little bit better.

(They both give him surprised looks.)

Marcia: Huh?

Mr. Haskell: I’m sorry Marcia, but if I have to make a choice, I have to choose Jan.

(At home, the girls are having a fight over the situation.)

Jan: Marcia, I want…

Marcia: Don’t even talk to me, you job stealer!

Jan: I keep telling you it’s not my fault!

Carol: Girls, please, nobody’s at fault. I’m sure Mr. Haskell just hired the person who was best for the job.

Mike: That’s how it ids in business.

Marcia: But I got Jan the job! And she sold out one sister for 29 flavors!

Jan: Oh, Marcia, no job is worth all this! I resign! Now, maybe Mr. Haskell will give me your job back!

Marcia: Would you?

Jan: Yes I would!

Mike: Are you sure that’s want you want to do, sweetheart?

Jan: Positive!

(The phone rings. Carol answers.)

Carol: Hello. Yes, just a minute, please. Marcia, it’s for you. It’s Jeff.

(Marcia gets on the phone with Jeff.)

Marcia: Jeff, I just want you to know that I’m not interested in anything that you have to say and I really don’t think that we should (Pause) What? You just dated her to get even? I squirted you with the whipped cream for the same reason. Yeah. Really? That sounds great. Okay, bye. (She hangs up) Jeff’s got something planned for us every afternoon next week.

Jan: But what about your job? You’ll be working.

Marcia: Correction Jan, you’ll be working. I just retired.

(Pete rcomes home.)

Peter: I got it!

(He comes in with a pizza.)

Mike: You got what?

Peter: A job at the Leaning Tower pizza parlor.

Carol: That’s great, Peter.

Peter: It’s even better than working for Mr. Haskell.

Carol: You mean the salary.

Peter: No, you see, Mr. Haskell only has 29 flavors. the Leaning tower has 32 kinds of pizzas. I hope I can keep my job long enough to eat my way through each and every one of them.

(He takes the pizza out of the box he had it in as the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Alice waking up in the middle of the night to raid the refrigerator. She sees a sign that says look behind you. Mike and Carol turn on the lights.)

Carol: Uh, uh, uh.

Alice: Don’t you know it’s dangerous to wake up somebody when they’re sleepwalking.


S5 E6 Getting Greg’s Goat

Getting Greg’s Goat

Written by Tam Spiva

Greg steals a goat from a rival school and hides it in his room. I hope you enjoy the script.











MR. BINCKLEY, Greg’s vice principal

MRS. GOULD, Carol’s friend and PTA member

SELMA, another PTA member

(The episode begins with Greg coming home one night. He turns on the light, then goes back to the door.)

Greg: Come on, Raquel. Everyone’s asleep. There’s nothing to worry about.

(Inside comes a goat. It is wearing a banner that says Coolidge High School. Greg sneaks it up the stairs and to his room.)

Greg: We made it. (The goat makes a bleat) Shh, anyone finds you up here, I’m in big, big trouble.

(He pets the goat and the scene fades.)

(The next morning, Greg wakes up and sees the goat eating his homework.)

Greg: Not my American history report. (He takes it and picks it up) You’ve eaten the Boston Tea Party. Not my tennis shoe. What are you planning for dessert? My mattress? (The goat makes another bleat) I better get downstairs and get you some people food before you eat me out of this room. Keep it cool, huh.

(Downstairs, Alice is in the kitchen making pancakes. She flips one on a plate.)

Alice: Good catch, Alice. Two more like that and you can retire the side.

Carol: Oh, Alice, those smell delicious.

Alice: Well, it’s your flapjack recipe.

Carol: Yes, but you do the flapping. (Greg comes down) Hey, I didn’t feel any shaking.

Greg: What shaking?

Carol: Huh, it would take an earthquake to get you up this early on Saturday.

Greg: Oh yeah, well, you know with the game and all tonight, I really couldn’t sleep. I’m so hungry, I could eat an elephant.

Alice: With the price of meat, we all might have to.

(He takes a whole bunch of food and puts it on a tray to bring upstairs.)

Greg: You know, I think I’ll just take this up to my room. Study some plays for the game.

Carol: Are you planning to eat all that or are you gonna open your own restaurant.

Greg: Don’t worry, Mom, not an ounce of it will go to waste.

Mike (coming in the kitchen): Good morning, good morning.

Carol: Hi, honey.

(He notices Greg’s huge supply of food.)

Mike: You got to be kidding.

Greg: I need energy for the game tonight.

Mike: Speaking of the game, (he takes out the newspaper) I see by the newspaper, that the Coolidge High School boys swiped your Westdale mascot.

Greg: Yeah, our bear cub.

Carol: Those pranks are so silly.

Mike: Well, I’m surprised your school took it lying down because in my day, we would have gone right out and stolen theirs.

Greg (surprised): You would?

Mike: I did.

Carol: You didn’t.

Mike: I did.

Greg: The old school spirit, Mom.

Mike: Yeah, well, not according to the boys’ vice-principal.

Greg: You got caught?

Mike: I got suspended from school for a week.

Carol (laughing): You deserved it.

Greg: No, you were just getting even with the other team.

Mike: Well, maybe your mother’s right, Greg. Considering the suspension, it was a pretty dumb trick.

Carol: You know, I think kids today are too grown up to get involved in such childish behavior.

Greg: Yeah, yeah.

(He goes upstairs and Carol offers Mike some pancakes.)

Carol: You want one, Mike.

Mike: Thank you.

(Cut to upstairs. Bobby is washing his face in the bathroom.)

Bobby (to Peter): What happened to all the towels?

Peter: I don’t know, but it’s wash day. Try the linen closet.

(Bobby finds a towel in the closet, but hears Greg’s voice through the air bin.)

Greg: Boy, you sure do have an appetite. (Bobby starts to suspect) Not so fast, slow down, you want to get indigestion. (We cut into the room) Easy does it, that’s better. (He takes the food) All right, that’s it. No more food till lunchtime. If I keep raiding the refrigerator downstairs, they’ll get suspicious.

Peter (coming in the closet): I thought you were getting a towel.

Bobby: Sh. Come in here.

Peter: What are you doing?

Bobby: Close the door. (He closes) Did you know you can hear everything from Greg’s room in here, from the air bin?

Peter: That’s an invasion of privacy.

Bobby: You mean we can’t listen?

Peter: I didn’t say that, I just said it was an invasion of privacy.

(They take a step ladder and put their ears by the air bin.)

Bobby: Greg’s got somebody up in his room.

Peter: Yeah, who?

Bobby: Someone who’s real hungry.

(They hear Greg’s voice.)

Greg: You feel better now, Raquel?

Bobby: Raquel?

Peter: Greg’s got a girl up there.

Bobby: Wow. What do we do?

Peter: Keep listening.

(Jan and Cindy go inside the closet.)

Peter: What are you two doing in here?

Jan: Where do you expect us to go for a wash cloth?

Cindy: What are you doing in here?

Bobby: Who, us? Oh, we’re just in here shooting the breeze.

Jan: Inside the closet, on a ladder?

Cindy: You two are up to something.

Bobby: Well, to tell you the truth, we are.

Jan: What?

Bobby: Well, you tell them, Pete.

Peter: Uh, well, uh, remember that science project I was working on for school?

Jan and Cindy: No.

Peter: Oh, well, anyway, uh, uh, my snake got loose and it’s in this closet.

Bobby: Yeah. (pointing) Hey, there it is.

(The girls scream and run away.)

Greg (to Raquel): Hey, msybe you’d like a little guitar music.

(He starts to play but then hears a knock at the door.)

Greg: Who is it?

Marcia: It’s Marcia. Mom wants to know if you got anything to go to the cleaners. (Greg takes Raquel and puts her in the bathroom. Marcia hears Raquel bleat) Greg, is there somebody up there with you?

Greg: Nobody.

Marcia: Are you sure?

Greg; Yes.

Marcia: I can’t wait all day.

Greg: All right, Marcia. All right. (to himself) You may as well know. (He goes to let her in while Racquel gets on his bed) Sh, come on in. I guess I can trust you.

Marcia: Huh? Trust me about what? (She sees Raquel and gets surprised) A goat?

Greg: Meet Raquel.

Marcia: Wow! Hey, that’s Coolidge High’s mascot.

Greg: Right. Westdale had a revenge raid.

Marcia: She’s cute. But why did you bring her here?

Greg: There was no place else to hide her until after the game tonight. At least no place that would be safe.

Marcia: Mom and Dad are not gonna be too thrilled about a hot goat.

Greg: They better not find out, if you get the point.

Marcia: I’ll do my part, but you better tell Raquel to keep her mouth shut too.

Greg: Close the door on your way out. (She leaves) Listen, Raquel, I’ll share my breakfast with you but not my bed.

(Marcia goes down the stairs and sees Alice.)

Marcia: Hi.

Alice: Is Greg still in his room?

Marcia: Why do you ask?

Alice: I just want to change his linen and straighten things up a little.

Marcia: Oh no, not now, Alice.

Alice: Why?

Marcia: Greg’s sort of busy. Maybe you better not bother him just now.

Alice: Oh, something for school?

Marcia: Yes, as a matter of fact, it does have to do with school. It’s a real hairy problem.

Alice: Okay, I’ll leave it till later.

(Alice goes into the same linen closet and overhears Greg speaking to Raquel.)

Greg: Now listen, young lady, be a good girl or else.

Alice: I better get a grip on my ears.

Mike (coming by): Were you talking to me?

Alice: No, I wasn’t, but I could’ve sworn the closet was talking to me.

Greg: You want your ears rubbed? Aww, that feel good. Look, Raquel, you had a pretty rough night. Why don’t you take a nap.

(Mike knocks on the attic door.)

Mike (calling): Greg.

Greg: Yes, sir.

Mike: I want to see you in my den.

Greg: Just give me a couple of minutes, Dad.

Mike: Your couple of minutes were up a couple of minutes ago.

(We take you to Mike’s den, where Mike gives Greg a lecture.)

Mike: Greg, I want to talk to you.

Greg: Yes, sir.

Mike: It’s about Raquel.

Greg (annoyed): Raquel?

Mike: Never find how I found out about it. The point is, she’s in your room, isn’t she.

Greg: Yes, sir.

(He sits down.)

Mike (upset): Greg, your mother and I never questioned your right to privacy, but, I mean, this is carrying things a little too far. Why did you do that?

Greg: I figured I could sneak Raquel in last night and get her out without anyone finding out.

Mike (annoyed): You mean she’s been here all night?

Greg: Dad, I was stuck. There was no place else I could take her.

Mike: Oh, I am trying very hard to be understanding and I’m losing!

Greg: Okay, Dad. I never should’ve gotten mixed up with a beast like that.

Mike: Son, that is a dreadful thing to say about a girl, no matter what she looks like!

Greg (surprised): A girl? Dad, I think we may have a communication gap going here. Raquel is a goat.(Mike is ready to blow off steam) As in nanny. You know, nah.

Mike (surprised): A goat? You mean a goat, goat?

Greg (laughing): You mean you thought I…

Mike: Sure did.

(Greg laughs some more.)

Greg: Oh, no.

Mike (laugihng): Why didn’t you say so in the first place?

Greg: You sounded like you knew.

Mike (suddenly serious): The next question is why are you running a motel for goats?

Greg: Well, it’s a special goat. It’s Coolidge High mascot.

Mike: You didn’t, did you? Yeah,well, (he sits with Greg) That wasn’t the brightest move in the world, son.

Greg: You said you did the same thing in school.

Mike: But I didn’t say it wasn’t stupid. I also said it was wrong. If you want to know how wrong, you wait till your mother finds out.

Greg: Does she have to know?

Mike: Greg, you have to return Raquel, no way out.

Greg: I know, but couldn’t I do it kind of slowly. Like, after the game tonight.

Mike: No, look, son.

Greg: Dad, I’m in such a bind. If the guys find out, they’ll kill me. It’s just for a couple of hours.

(He gives Mike a pleading look.)

Mike: Well, okay, but just till after the game tonight.

Greg; Thanks, Dad. You’re terrific.

(He gets up and leaves.)

Mike (to himself): If your mother finds out, you, me and Raquel might be roommates.

(Later, Mike is on the phone.)

Mike: Yeah, George, I’m just finishing the plans now. I’ll drop them off later. Right, good bye.

(Carol comes in the room.)

Carol: Honey, can we postpone our shopping until later?

Mike: Oh, sure, I have to get these plans out anyway. Where are you going?

Carol: To an emergency PTA meeting. I just got a call from one of the ladies.

Mike: Yeah, what’s the emergency?

Carol: Well, they think this mascot stealing business has gone completely out of hand. Now, Westdale High has stolen Coolidge’s mascot.

Mike: No.

Carol: Yeah, well, we got to try to do something about it.

Mike: Well, honey, I think the ladies are making more out of this than it really deserves.

Carol: No, it isn’t just the ladies. Mr. Binckley, the boys’ vice-principal, he’s up in arms too. He’s even giving up his Saturday just to come to this meeting.

Mike: Do they have an idea who the guilty guys are?

Carol: No, but, when Mr. Binckley finds out, he intends to make an example for the entire student body.

Mike: Oh, great.

Carol: Well, thank goodness our boys aren’t mixed up in it. (She kisses hius cheek) I’ll see you later.

Mike (to himself): Yeah, thank goodness.

(We see a shot of Raquel in the attic as the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike helping Greg clean up a mess made by Raquel in his room.)

Mike: Well, that’s the way it is, son. There’s a vigilante committee out to get everybody connected with this missing mascot.

Greg: And my own mother is one of the posses.

Mike: And worse, your vice-principal is the leader of the pack.

Greg (sititng down): Yeah, Mr. Binckley. Looks like I’m the one who’s the goat, Raquel. (She bleats) You can say that again.

(She lets out another bleat.)

Mike: You know, Greg, there may be a way out of this if you act fast enough. Because the Coolidge High school guys are in the same predicament as you Westdale guys, right?

Greg: Right.

Mike: Okay, I would think thye would be in the mood for compromise.

Greg: How do you mean compromise?

Mike: Both sides go from swiping to swapping.

Greg: Swipe the mascots back again?

Mike: Yeah, that way the heat’s off. I mean, well, provided you don’t get caught swapping.

Greg: That’s a great idea, Dad. You have a fantastic criminal mind. (Mike agrees) I’ll get ahold of the Coolidge guys right away, and arrange for a secret prisoner exchange.

Mike: Good.

Greg: Okay to borrow the car?

Mike: I have to deliver a set of plans. You come on, I’ll take you.

Greg: Thanks. (to Raquel) You take it easy until we get back.

(Next, Peter and Bobby go into the linen closet to see if they can hear more about Raquel.)

Peter (to Bobby): All clear, come on.

(They go into the closet.)

Bobby: I don’t hear anything, maybe Greg’s out.

(They suddenly hear her trotting around the floor.)

Peter: Sounds like those high heels women wear. It must be Raquel.

(They now hear it double.)

Bobby: Sounds like four high heels.

Peter: Greg’s got two girls stashed up there? What an operator.

(Raquel bleats again.)

Bobby: One of those girls sure has a funny voice.

(They hear her bleat once more.)

Peter: That’s no girl.

Bobby: Doesn’t even sound like a person.

(Another bleat comes out.)

Peter: Let’s go take a look.

(They go up to the attic. They find the rope Raquel was on, which is busted. They see Raquel in the bathroom.)

Bobby: A goat.

Peter: The Coolidge High mascot. Greg must’ve been one of the guys who lifted it.

Bobby: Greg’s gonna be famous.

Peter: You mean expelled.

(She runs out of the room.)

Bobby: Hey, come back here.

Peter: Come back.

Bobby: Come back.

Peter: Come back.

(They run after her down the stairs. The girls are going up the stairs and see the goat.)

Cindy: What’s that?

Jan: It’s a goat!

Peter: Raquel!

Bobby: Come back!

(They cause a little commotion as the guys persuade the girls to go after Raquel. Alice hears them calling her.)

Alice (to herself): Raquel?

(She runs out and through the back fence with the kid sin pursuit. Meanwhile, Carol and the PTA members come in through the front door.)

Carol: Come on in, ladies.

Mrs. Gould: I wouldn’t have said that.

Selma: You did, though. You did.

Carol: Make yourselves right at home.

Mrs. Gould and Selma: Thank you.

Carol (calling): Alice.

Mrs. Gould: Oh, what a lovely home you have, Mrs. Brady.

Selma: Carol, did you get new chairs?

Carol: No, we just had them cleaned.

Selma: Oh, they look great.

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: Oh, hi, Mrs. Brady, Mrs. Tingle. What happened to your PTA meeting?

Selma: Hi, Alice. We had to switch houses.

Mrs. Gould: I forgot the painters were coming today.

Carol: Alice, could you get us some tea, please.

Alice: Tea and cookies coming right up.

(Greg and Mike come back.)

Greg: That’s great. I’m glad the guys from Coolidge High were as anxious to stay out of trouble as we were.

Mike: Yeah, all we have to do is get Raquel to the park and change with that bear cub.

Greg: Great, Mom’s at the P.T.A. meeting and I’ll have a chance to get Raquel out.

(Meanwhile, Carol and the ladies are in the living room chatting.)

Selma: Oh, your house is furnished so beautifully, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Oh, would you like to see the rest of it before Mr. Binckley gets here?

Mrs. Gould: I’d love to.

(Mike and Greg come in.)

Carol (to Mike): Oh, hi, dear. Ladies, this is the man who designed the house, my husband, Mike (she kisses him) and my son Greg.

Mike: Well, uh, what happened to the P.T.A. meeting?

Carol: We had a last minute switch of houses. But you timed your entrance perfectly. The ladies were just wanting to see the house.

Mike: Oh, that’s just, fine, fine.

Greg (abruptly): Don’t show them my room, because I forgot to clean it up and it’s a mess. A big mess.

Mike: Well, we understand that, Greg. Well, would you like to see the garage? (They scuff) No, I suppose not. Well, how about my den?

Carol: Great, this way, ladies (The bell rings) Greg, would you get the door, honey, thank you.

Greg: Um, okay.

Carol: He doesn’t let us in here very often.

(Greg answers the door and it’s Mr. Binckley.)

Mr. Binckley: Hello, Gregory.

Greg: Uh, hi, hi, Mr. Binckley.

Mr. Binckley: I’ve already been to Mrs. Gould’s house. I hope there hasn’t been another change of meeting place.

Greg: Oh, yes sir. I mean, no sir. It’s here.

Mr. Binckley: May I come in?

Greg: Oh, sure, come on in.

Mr. Binckley: I presume you heard why we’re meeting.

Greg: Something about school mascots?

Mr. Binckley: Stolen mascots. Youngsters must learn to respect one another’s property. Today it’s goats and bears. Tomorrow it’s liable to be cars and even worse.

Greg: Oh, yes sir, yes sir, I couldn’t agree with you more. Well, they’re in the den here, if you just folow me.

(Meanwhile, Raquel heads back to the house. Alice sees it running through the kitchen. Greg sees it going up the stairs and abruptly shuts the door as everyone is about to leave the den.)

Mike: I’d like to show you the kitchen. (Greg pushes him back) Back in the den. (He opens it again) Get the goat.

(Greg runs upstairs and looks for the goat.)

Greg: Raquel.

(Carol and the rest of the party leave the den.)

Carol: Come on, now I’ll show you the upstairs.

Mike: Honey, what about the kitchen, that’s your pride and joy.

Carol: I’m saving that for last.

Mike: Yes, but you have an important meeting and I’m sure Mr. Binckley doesn’t have time for the grand tour.

Carol: It’ll only take a moment, Mr. Binckley.

Mr. Binckley: Very well.

Carol (to Mike): See.

Mike: Wait a minute, I’ll lead the way.

Carol: Come on, everybody!

(Greg is upstairs looking for Raquel.)

Greg: Raquel.

(She runs form one room to another. Greg runs after her. Mike, Carol and their party come upstairs.)

Mike: Three bedrooms up here and one upstairs. (They compliment the color co-ordination of the hallway) The two youngest boys have the room on the right. (He looks inside and sees Greg chasing Raquel) All clear of boys.

(They enter the boys’ room. Greg catches Raquel and lifts her.)

Greg: That’s a good girl, Raquel. Just keep it cool.

(He hears Carol and then sneaks into the closet, with Raquel.)

Carol: And this bathroom was designed for both of us and the girls. (They go out in the hall) And now, I’d like you to see what I think every house should have. And that is, a walk-in, linen closet. (She opens the door and they all see Greg and Raquel) You seen one linen closet, you seen them all, right? Right?

Mike: Why don’t you show them the master bedroom.

Carol: Ah, ah, the master bedroom, right. (She leads them to their room then gets mad at Mike) You knew all about this, didn’t you.

Mike: I’ll explain it later.

(Carol makes an angry noise to him, then joins the others. Mike opens the door and talks to Greg.)

Mike: I’ll stall in the master bedroom, get rid of the goat.

Greg: I’m trying to.

(Mike walks away. Greg tries to sneak Raquel away but they run into Alice. Greg loses his grip on Raquel.)

Alice: That’s the second goat I’ve seen today.

(Raquel runs into the master bedroom. The P.T.A. members get scared.)

Greg: My goat!

(Raquel runs into Carol and Mike’s bathroom.)

Carol: Close the door.

(Selma and the other P.T.A. shut it. They accidentally slam it in Alice’s face.)

Alice: Mrs. Brady!

(Greg comes out of the bathroom with the shower curtains.)

Carol (screaming): Greg! Those are my shower curtains!

Greg: I know! I know!

Carol: Where’s the goat?

Greg: She’s in the bathtub!

Mike: Well, go get it!

(He runs into the bathroom. Mrs. Gould seeks refuge in their closet. Raquel gets on the bed.)

Carol (angry): That’s my good spread!

Mike: I’ll get it.

Carol: Be careful, Mike.

(He gets on the bed to get Raquel off. Greg shoves her into the closet.)

Mr. Binckley: Gregory, Mrs. Gould is in the closet.

(He opens the door and an extremely frightened Mrs. Gould emerges. Mike goes over with flowers.)

Mike: Wait a minute, open it up.

(He gives Raquel the flowers to snff on.)

Mr. Bickley: I hope you have a good explanation for this, Gregory.

Greg: I hope so, too.

Mr. Binckley: But I doubt it.

Greg: I doubt it, too.

(Later, the P.T.A. members are leaving.)

Mrs. Gould: Thanks for a lovely time, I think.

Carol: Oh, come back.

Selma: Carol, next time I’m gonna bring my trap shoes.

Carol: Okay, Selma, so long.

(The other P.T.A. woman says good-bye.)

Carol: Good bye, thank you.

Mr. Binckley: Mr. Brady, I want to commend you for having acted so quickly to effect the mascot exchange. (to Greg) And as for you, young man.

Greg: Yes, sir.

Mr. Binckley: I think a 5,000 word essay on the evils of mascot stealing is an order.

Greg: 5,000 words?

Carol: Greg, I think Mr. Binckley is being very generous.

Greg: Oh yes, very generous. Thank you, sir.

Mr. Binckley: Well, haven’t you better run along, Gregory. You have an appointment, to return that goat.

Greg: The goat, where is she? Raquel.

(He runs.)

Carol: Ohh, my poor house.

Mike: Boy, time sure has changed. I did the same thing when I was a kid and I got suspended for a week.

Mr. Binckley: I was suspended for an entire month.

(He and Mike shake hands and Mr. Binckley leaves. The scene fades away.)

(The final scene has Carol and Alice cleaning Greg’s room from the effects of Raquel.)

Alice: That ought to do it, Mr. Brady.

Carol: Boy, Alice, i tell you, goats may be easy on the eyes but the sure are hard on the nose.

Alice: I’m glad Raquel is gone back where she belongs.

Greg: Yes, but the memory linger son.

(He shows them a pair of jeans, which Raquel chewed a hole in. Carol laughs and sprays it.)


S5 E5 Peter And The Wolf

Peter and the Wolf

Written by Tam Spiva

Greg sets Peter up on a date with an older woman. Peter sports a fake mustache and takes an assumed name to pull it off. I hope you enjoy the script.











SANDRA, Greg’s date

LEN, a friend of Greg’s

LINDA, Peter/Phil’s date

MR. CALDERON, Mike’s client

MRS. CALDERON, Mr. Calderon’s wife

(The episode begins at Greg’s school. He is seen taking to his friend, Len.)

Len: I don’t believe it. I mean, every guy in school is trying to take out Sandra Martin. So how did you swing it?

Greg: Simple. I’m charming and irresistable.

Len: I heard a rumor she only takes out college guys.

Greg: Who do you think started the rumor? It eliminates competition.

Len: Ooh, shrewd. That’s awfully shrewd, Greg.

(Sandra calls to him.)

Sandra: Oh, Greg.

Greg; Hi, Sandra.

Sandra: Hey, can I talk to you for a moment?

Greg: Sure, Sandra. Wait up. Huh, Len.

Len: Yeah, sure.

(They walk a few feet to speak privately.)

Sandra: I don’t want to say this, but I’m gonna have to break our date for Saturday night?

Greg: Oh no, how come?

Sandra: My cousin Linda. Right out of the blue, she’s coming into town to visit us. (Pause) I can’t leave her sitting alone. I’m sorry, I really am.

Greg: Wait. (He has a thought) How old is your cousin, Linda?

Sandra: 18, why?

Greg: Suppose I came up with a date for her and we make it a foursome.

Sandra: That be great. Can you find someone on such short notice?

Greg: Simple. And if your cousin looks anything like you, I’ll have to fight them off with a whip and a chair. (He laughs) By the way, what does your cousin Linda look like?

Sandra: I don’t know, I haven’t seen her in 6 years. She had pigtails and braces then.

(She laughs out loud.)

Greg: Pigtail and braces. Well, a lot can happen in six years.

Sandra: Right. (She looks at he rwatch) Oh, I have to run or I’ll be late for class. Bye.

Greg: Bye, Sandra. (He goes back to Len.) Len, this is your lucky day.

Len: Forget it, I heard. Pigtail and braces. No way.

Greg: Ooh, that was a long time ago. By now, I’ll bet she looks like a million bucks.

Len: Yeah, you know what that’s worth, with inflation and all.

Greg: You know what I went through to get this date with Sandra? What kind of a friend are you?

Len: Now, Greg, friendship is one thing, but human sacrifice is something else.

Greg (annoyed): But I’ll blow the date with Sandra if I don’t get somebody for her cousin!

Len: Well, you win some, you lose some. See ya.

(He walks away and Greg yells over to him.)

Greg: I’ll bet i can get 50 guys to jump at the chance! (to himself) At least 20. (He thinks again) settle for 1.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Greg at home. He’s going through his phone book and calling his friends. He’s trying to get them to go on the date with Linda.)

Greg (on the phone): Hello, Fred. What are you doing Friday night? How about going out on a double date? So what if she is a blind date, Fred? She’s Sandra’s cousin. according to heredity, she could look like…. Frankenstein didn’t have a cousin. Last chance, Fred, yes or no. Okay, I’m gonna give you one more chance. (His friend hangs up) Fred, Fred.

(Mike comes home and sees Carol, who is in the kitchen.)

Mike: Hi, honey.

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart. (They kiss) Listen, I tried to phone you before I left the office. Who’s been on the phone?

Carol: The same person who’s still on the phone.

Mike: What’s the crisis?

Carol: Greg’s trying to get a blind date for his date’s cousin.

Mike: I was phoning to see about getting a date with you. How’s your Saturday night calendar?

Carol: Oh, well, I was planning to spend a quiet evening at home with my husband.

Mike: Oh, well, that sounds dull. How about something more romantic? Candlelight dinner, quiet dinner?

Carol: Are you getting fresh with me, fella?

Mike: Gee, if I’m not, I’m doing it all wrong.

Carol (laughing): You just got yourself a date.

Mike: Good. (He shows her a book) Now, all we have to do is brush up on this.

Carol: 10 easy steps to Spanish?

Mike: Mmm hmm.

Carol: Isn’t the menu in English?

Mike: No, we are entertaining Mr. Calderon and his wife from Mexico City. He is up here on a building deal with the company.

Carol: Oh, I get it. Now it’s a business meeting with tacos.

Mike: No, honey, listen, you can have a good time with them. They’re a wonderful couple.

Carol: Don’t they speak English?

Mike: Well, he does, but I’m not sure about his wife, so, I thought it would be a good idea to brush up on our Spanish to make her feel more at home.

Carol: But, honey, I haven’t spoken Spanish since college.

Mike: Well, neither have I. Shall we Habla Espanol together?

Carol: Well, I’ll habla with you anytime, senor.

(She puts a celery stick in his mouth while Greg is on the phone with another friend.)

Greg (annoyed): Switch dates with you if Linda turns out to be a dog? Thanks for nothing, Tom!

(He hangs up and the girls come downstairs to him.)

Marcia: No luck, huh?

Greg: To think I’d find one guy willing to go out on a blind date. There goes my date with Sandra.

Marcia: I wish there was something I can do, Greg.

Greg: Not unless you know a guy you can lend me for a night.

Marcia: I wish i did.

Jan: I wish I did, too.

Cindy: I would lend you one of my boyfriends, Greg. Except none of mine can stay out after dark.

(Cut to the boys’ room. Bobby is checking to see Peter’s facial hair.)

Bobby: I don’t see anything.

Peter: Then you better have your eyes checked, because they’re there. 5 hairs, count them. 5.

Bobby: Probably fuzz from the towel.

Peter (defensive): Oh yeah, feel them.

Bobby (feeling): Ouch! (He gets sarcastic) Well, you should have warned me, they’re so sharp.

(Bobby runs out. Greg comes by.)

Peter: Hey, Greg, got a second.

Greg: Yeah, sure.

Peter: Well, you see, I’m getting this trememdous beard.

Greg: You are?

Peter: Well, I was wondering if I could use your razor to shave.

Greg: Pete, you’re too young to be shaving.

Peter: Oh yeah, well I’m old enough to be doing a lot of things now.

(Greg stops for a second. He gets an idea and goes back to Peter.)

Greg: Pete.

Peter: Yeah.

Greg: You’ve given me an idea. (He checks him over) Maybe. Just maybe.

Peter: Maybe what?

Greg: Say hello, Linda.

Peter: Hello, Linda.

Greg: Now, say it lower.

(Peter scrouches down.)

Peter: Hello, Linda.

Greg: Quit clowning around. You know what I mean.

Peter (in a deeper voice): Hello, Linda.

Greg: Pete, I’m about to do you the biggest favor one brother can do for another.

Peter; What kind of favor?

Greg: Take you on a double date Friday night.

Peter (excited): A double date, with a girl and everything?

Greg: Not just a girl, buddy, I’m gonna fix you up with an older woman.

Peter: Yeah, how old?

Greg: 18.

Peter: Boy, an older woman! Hey, wait, I don’t have much money. Do they eat a lot?

Greg: Don’t worry about finances. I’m springing.

Peter: Hey, great. How come she would go out with your younger brother?

Greg: You’re not gonna be my younger brother. You see, she, wouldn’t go out with you. So you’re gonna be (Pause) Phil, Phil Packer. Some swinging guy from another high school.

Peter: That sounds terrific.

Greg: You’ll be a cool cat every chick in school’s after.

Peter: I am? Wow!

Greg: A legend in your own time.

Peter: I’ll have a great new image.

Greg: How about that?

Peter: I’m fantastic! (Pause) I’d even be better if I knew what to do.

Greg: Don’t worry, I’m gonna coach you. By Friday night you’ll be years ahead of any guy your age.

Peter: Greg, you’re more than a brother, you’re a friend. Imagine, me, Peter Brady, going out with an older woman.

Greg: Correction. Phil Packer’s the name.

Peter: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Phil. Hi, Linda, I’m Phil Packer.

(Next, Mike is in his den and Carol comes in speaking Spanish.)

Carol: Buenos noches, Miguel.

Mike: Hey, practicing up for Saturday night.

Carol: Si.

Mike: Good. Muy bien.

Carol: Yo tango good news.

Mike: Okay.

Carol: Our muchacho has solved his problemo.

Mike: Oh, fantastico. Which muchacho and which problemo.

Carol: Greg. I think he’s found a date for his novias prima.

Mike: Found a date for his girlfriend’s cousin.

Carol: Si. And the companero’s name is Felipe Packer.

(We take you to the kitchen. Alice is making breakfast and Bobby, Jan and Cindy come in to eat.)

Alice: Buenas dias, senor and senoritas.

All: Buenos dias.

Jan: How come we’re all speaking Spanish?

Alice: We’re practicing for your folks’ guests from Mexico. This is my first swing at Mexican cooking. (She takes the lid off the pan) Olay. The piece of resistance. As they say in the French quarter of Tijuana, huevos rancheros.

Cindy: They look like eggs.

Alice (serving): Huevos are eggs. I’m not sure what rancheros means. Go ahead and try it. One bite at a time.

Jan (gagging): It’s hot!

Bobby (breathless): It’s good.

(He takes a sip of orange juice.)

Alice: I guess in my case rancheros means flamethrower.

(She takes a bite.)

Alice: Now I like it.

(Next, Peter goes up to Greg’s room.)

Peter: Tonight’s the night, our big double date.

Greg: Yep, how about that?

Peter: It’s really gonna be tough concentrating in class.

Greg: Well, listen, just try and put it out of your mind. I don’t want you leaving your game in your locker room.

Peter: Boy, an older woman. Where are we gonna take them?

Greg: Drive-in movie.

Peter: Drive-in movie, what’s playing?

Greg: Who cares?

(He laughs.)

Peter: Yeah.

(They both laugh and the scene fades away.)

(The next scene has the guys going to pick up their dates. Peter is wearing a fake mustache.)

Peter (to Greg): This mustache was a good idea, huh.

Greg: Yeah, it makes you look a few years older. But remember, don’t say too much. Be the strong, silent type. That way you can’t make too many mistakes.

Peter: Okay. You never did tell me what Linda looks like.

Greg: Looks like? (Peter rings the bell to the house) Listen, to a dude like Phil Packer, it doesn’t make any difference. He treats them all alike. Get it?

Peter: Got it.

(Sandra opens the door.)

Sandra: Hi, Greg.

Greg: Hi, Sandra. I’d like you to meet Phil Packer.

Peter: Hi.

Sandra: Hi, Phil. (calling) Linda! Greg has told me a lot about you. Linda’s been looking forward to meeting you.

(Sandra comes out. She is a very beautiful young woman.)

Linda: Hi.

Sandra: Linda, I want you to meet Greg Brady and Phil Packer.

(Peter can’t help but stare at the gorgeous Linda.)

Peter: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Linda: Which one of you is Phil?

Peter: Me. He’s Greg, I’m Phil. Right, Greg?

Greg: Yeah, right.

Sandra: We’ll get our things. Be right back, okay?

Peter (to Greg): Boy, you really know how to pick them.

(We take you to the drive-in movie they went to. The guys are coming back from the concession stand with popcorn and soft drinks.)

Peter: Linda’s the most beautiful woman I ever saw. I hope I don’t goof it up.

Greg: Take it easy, Pete. Play it cool. Do just what I do.

Peter: Got it.

(They get back in the car with the girls.)

Greg: Sorry it took so long.

Peter: It took a long time.

Greg: it’s kind of crowded.

Peter: A lot of people.

(Greg hands Sandra the popcorn.)

Greg: Enough butter on it?

Sandra: Plenty.

Peter (to Linda): Enough butter on it?

Linda: Yeah, it’s fine.

(Greg puts his arm around Sarah. Peter goes to do the same but accidentally knocks Linda’s popcorn over.)

Peter: Oh, I’m really sorry about that.

Linda: Phil, Phil.

Peter: I’m sorry.

Linda: It’s all right, Phil. Phil, Phil, it doesn’t matter. It’s alright.

Peter: Here, you can have mine.

Linda: Thank you.

(Greg and Sandra shrug. Greg smells Sandra’s perfume.)

Greg: What’s that wild scent you’re wearing?

Sandra: Exotica.

(Peter sniffs on Linda’s neck.)

Peter: What’s that wild scent you’re wearing?

Linda: Buttered popcorn.

Peter: I’m sorry about that.

Linda: Have some?

Peter: Thanks.

(Peter eats some popcorn but his mustache starts to fall off. Greg turns around and notices.)

Greg; Hey Phil, how about some of that popcorn, old buddy.

Peter: Hmm.

Greg (mumbling): Cover the mustache. (He motions for them to get out of the car) Why don’t we get come cold drinks or something. Be right back.

(They leave and Sandra turns around to Linda.)

Sandra: I don’t understand what’s the matter with Greg. He seems so different at school.

Linda: And I don’t understand what’s with his friend Phil. (She throws some popcorn out of the car) I never had a date like this before.

(They take the girls home after the movie is over.)

Sandra: Good night, Greg.

Greg: Good night.

Sandra: Hey, it was (Pause) fun.

Greg: Well, I hope so.

Sandra: It really was. Wasn’t it, Linda?

Sandra: Yeah, it was great. Thanks, Phil.

Peter: No sweat.

(He shakes her hand.)

Linda: Bye bye.

Peter: Bye.

Greg (to Sandra): Well, I‘ll see you at school on Monday.

Sandra: Good night.

Greg: Good night, and nice meeting you, Linda.

Linda: See ya.

Peter: Bye.

(The girls go inside and the guys walk a few feet from the door.)

Peter: How did I do?

Greg: Well, I’m not sure yet.

Peter: When will you be sure?

Greg: Monday, when I ask Sandra for another date.

Peter: Will you fix me up, too?

Greg: Pete, from now on, Phil Packer can find his own dates.

Peter: You’re right. After what I pulled off tonight, I’m ready to go solo.

(The girls are inside talking about their night out.)

Sandra: That was really a strange evening.

Linda: Did you catch that phony mustache on Phil?

Sandra: Did I, it was practically everywhere but under his nose.

Linda: I’ll bet he was only 15 or 16 years old at the most.

Sandra: I’m sure his name wasn’t Phil, either. (She realizes something) I could swear I heard Greg call him Pete once. You know what?

Linda: What?

Sandra: I think Greg has a brother named Peter. I’ll bet that’s who Phil was.

Linda: Why would Greg pull a gag like that.

Sandra: I have no idea, but one good gag deserves another. How would you like to get even?

Linda: Cousin, I’m with you.

(The next day, Greg and Peter are walking down the stairs and the phone rings. Peter answers.)

Peter: Hello. Who’s calling? Yeah, sure, hang on. Hey, Greg, it’s her, Sandra. Ask her how I did with Lnda.

Greg: Not unless she brings it up first. (He gets on the phone) Hi, Sandra.

Sandra (on the other line): Hello, Greg. I just had to call and tell you again what a wonderful time I had last night.

Greg: You really did?

Sandra: You were right, Phil’s too much. Linda hasn’t stopped talking about him.

Greg: Linda really liked Phil?

Sandra: She really did. She wants to know if the four of us can get together again. Like tonight.

Greg: Tonight? Well, Sandra, Phil may already have a date. But we can go out.

Sandra: I couldn’t go without Linda. And I really wanted to see you again. That is, if you want to see me.

Greg: How about in 20 minutes.

Sandra: What if Phil’s dated up?

Greg: I’ll get him to cancel it. I’m sure he can make it.

Sandra: Okay, bye.

Greg: Bye.

(He hangs up.)

Sandra (to Linda): I wish I could take a picture of Greg’s face when we’re falling all over Phil.

(They laugh. Back at the Brady house, Peter sees Marcia coming out of the den.)

Peter (lowering his voice): Hi, there.

Marcia: What happened to your voice?

Peter: Notihng, baby.

Marcia: Do you have a cold?

Peter: No, just devestating charm.

(She makes a weird face as we take you to the bathroom. Peter is putting on his fake mustache. Jan and Cindy are banging on the door.)

Cindy: Open up, Peter.

Jan: Are you gonna stay in there all night?

(He puts the mustache in his pockets and opens the door.)

Cindy: What took you so long?

Peter: I was shaving.

Jan: What? Your legs?

Peter: For your information, I got whiskers.

Jan (to Cindy): Yeah, I guess it took him all that time to find the one he’s got.

(The girls laugh.)

Peter: Very funny.

(He goes in the bedroom. Bobby comes in.)

Bobby: What are you all dressed up for?

Peter: I got a date.

Bobby: Who’s the unlucky girl?

Peter: What would you say if I told you I was taking out an older female?

Bobby: An older female what?

(Downstairs, Mike answers the door. It’s the Calderons.)

Mike: Ah, noches, Calderon.

(He shakes his hand.)

Mr. Calderon: Buenos noches, Mr. Brady.

Mrs. Calderon: Buenos noches, senor.

(They come in.)

Mike: Me casa, sue casa.

Mr. Calderon: Thank you very much.

Mike: Presente esposa, Carol.

Mrs. Calderon: Muy contenta deconocerte

Mr. Calderon: Very pleased to meet you.

Carol: Mucha gusta, Senor and Senorita Calderone.

Mr. Calderon: I am Juan, my wife, Maria.

Carol: I’m Carol, and this is Mike.

Mrs. Calderon: You speak Spanish very well.

Carol (flattered): Thank you, won’t you please sit down.

Mike: Yes, please.

Mrs. Calderon: Gracias.

Mike: Well, we’re seldom able to use our Spanish, and we thought, tonight was the perfect opportunity.

Mr. Calderon: It is the same with us for English. We have hoped to use it this evening.

Carol: Oh, you go right ahead. That’s a deal.

(Alice comes out with refreshments.)

Mike: Alice Nelson, Senor and Senorita Calderon.

(The Calderons issue pleasantries in Alice to Spanish.)

Alice: Tengo mucho gusto. That’s it for me in Spanish.

(She leaves.)

Mike: Well, we made reservations for this evening, but if there’s anytihng special you’d lke, it’s no trouble to change it.

Mrs. Calderon: Well, if you’re sure it’s no trouble.

Carol: Oh, no trouble at all. Honest.

Mr. Calderon: In that case, we would love to try one of your typical American dishes.

Mike: What’s that?

Mr. Calderon: Pizza.

Carol (laughing): Pizza? Really?

Mr. Calderon: Really.

Mike: You know, I don’t know whether I know a good pizza place or not.

Carol: No, not a good one. Let me see.

(The girls come by.)

Marcia: We do, Dad. Marioni’s is super.

Jan: We always go there.

Cindy: Yeah, Marioni’s has the greatest pizza.

Mike: Well, kids ought to know pizza. These are my daughters, Marcia, Cindy and Jan. Senor and Senorita Calderon.

Marcia: Hello.

Mr. Calderon: Gusto.

Marcia: We hope you enjoy your stay here in town.

Mr. Calderon: Gracias.

Mrs. Calderon: Thank you.

Jan: Nice meeting you.

Cindy: Nice talking to you.

Jan: Enjoy your pizza.

(They leave.)

Mr. Calderon: You have the most charming daughters.

Mrs. Calderon: One said that their children reflect their parents.

Carol: Thank you. We were reflected three more times with sons.

Mike: They’re out tonight. Well, if it’s pizza you want, then it’s pizza you shall have.

(Meanwhile, Peter, Greg and their dates are at that same restaurant.)

Peter (to Sandra and Lnda): Well, I cut to my right, and I cut to my left, then I ran the 100 yards for a touchdown.

Linda: That’s fantastic.

Sandra: What a run, Phil.

Greg: Yeah, too bad it all happened in a dream.

Sandra: You’re just jealous, Greg.

(Mike and Carol come in with the Calderons. A hostess shows them to their seat.)

Mike: Oh, that’s great.

Mrs. Calderon: This place is charming.

Carol: Smells good.

Mrs. Calderon: I know exactly what I want. I supersized pizza with what how do you say, the works.

Mr. Calderon: Make that two.

Mike: What’s Spanish for heartburn?

(Cut back to the other table. Linda and Sandra are heavily flirting with Peter.)

Linda: Phil, you are fantastic.

Sandra: I never kissed a fellow with a mustache before. Does it tickle?

Linda: You won’t find out. Phil’s with me, remember?

Sandra: He was with you?

Peter: Don’t fight, girls. They’re enough of me to go around.

Greg (fuming): I don’t get this.

(Mike is discussing business with Mr. Calderon at their table.)

Mike: I understand we’re having a meeting tomorrow morning on the preliminary plans.

Mr. Calderon: Yes, Mike. I wish to make a decision before we leave this weekend.

Mike: Good, good.

(Suddenly, Calderon notices the girls smooching Peter passionately. He gets disgusted.)

Carol: Is something wrong, Senor Calderone?

Mr. Calderone: Excuse me, but it is very embarassing.

Mike: What is?

Mr. Calderone: Those children. Necking, I should say. In public.

(Mike and Carol notice it is the boys. Greg notices his parents and panics.)

Greg: Pete!

(The girls accidentally rip his mustache off.)

Peter (embarassed): Oh, no.

Sandra: What’s the matter?

Greg: Only everything. Those are our parents.

Peter: Boy, do we have a lot of explaining to do to them.

Sandra: Boy, do we have a lot of explaining to do for you.

(Back home, Greg and Peter are anxiously awaiting their parents. They are worried about what consequences they may have to face.)

Greg: I hope we didn’t ruin Dad’s deal with Mr. Calderone.

Peter: Yeah, or our lives at home.

(Mike and Carol come in.)

Mike: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Peter: Hi.

Carol: Hi.

Greg: Hi. (Pause) How did it go with Mr. Calderon?

Mike: Luckily, we’re still in business.

Peter: Oh, that’s a relief.

Greg: Good.

Carol: They didn’t exactly approve of your X-rated behavior, but they did admire the way you and the girls told the truth.

Greg: We’re really sorry about the whole thing.

Peter: Well, I really learned something. 1. You act your age. 2. You don’t try to be something you’re not. 3.

Carol: Yes.

Peter: Find out in advance which restaurant your Mom and Dad are going to, and go someplace else.

(He laughs. The parents give a serious look, then they laugh as well. The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Cindy waiting to get in the bathroom. Jan is in there.)

Cindy: I wonder what’s taking her so long.

Marcia: She says she has a date with an older man. She wants to make herself look older.

Cindy: I wonder how she’s gonna do that.

Jan (from inside the bathroom): Does this make me look any older.

(She opens the door with the mustache Peter used. They all laugh.)


S5 E4 Never Too Young

Never Too Old

Written by Larry Rhine and Al Schwartz

Bobby kisses a girl for the first time and then finds out she may have been exposed to the mumps. I hope you enjoy the script.











MILLISCENT, Cindy and Bobby’s friend

(The episode begins with Bobby shooting baskets. Greg and Peter come outside.)

Bobby: Hey, where are you guys going? I thought we were gonna shoot some baskets.

Greg; Oh, yeah, well, we got something more important to do, Bobby.

Bobby: More important than basketball?

Peter: Not even in the same league. Greg’s gonna drop me off at Wendy’s house.

Greg: And I got a date too.

Bobby: You guys think girls are more important than basketball?

Greg: Did you ever try kissing a basketball?

Bobby: I’d rather kiss a basketball, and a catcher’s mitt, than any dumb old girl.

Peter: Just wait, you’ll be kissing girls.

Greg: And liking it, too.

Bobby: No way, I wouldn’t kiss a girl for nothing. Come on, let’s play.

Greg: Bye, Bobby.

Peter: Bye.

(Greg and Peter get in the car and leave. Bobby mutters to himself about kissing girls, then goes to play some more. At this moment, Milliscent comes over to visit.)

Milliscent: Hi, Bobby.

Bobby: Hi, Milliscent. Cindy’s inside.

Milliscent: I didn’t come here to see Cindy. I came to see you.

Bobby: Me? What for?

Milliscent: To thank you for making that boy stop teasing me at school today. You’re very brave.

Bobby: Okay, that wasn’t anything.

Milliscent: It was too, and I really appreciate it.

(She kisses him. He then starts to see skyrockets.)

Milliscent: Bobby, what’s wrong?

Bobby: Huh? I’m not sure. (He comes back to reality) Milliscent, you got to promise something. You got to promise you’ll never tell anybody in the whole world what just happened.

Milliscent (angry): Why not?

Bobby: Because if my brothers find out, I’ll be ruined for life. Promise?

Milliscent: Okay, I promise.

Bobby: Thanks, it will be our secret. Nobody else will ever know.

(We see Cindy watching from inside with a mischievous smile. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Alice on the phone as Bobby comes inside from playing.)

Alice: I’ll talk to you about it later, Sam. Bye bye. (Bobby comes in) Hi. How about a post game snack. (Bobby doesn’t answer) Usually you like something to eat after the game.

Bobby: Skyrockets.

Alice: Skyrockets?

(Mike and Carol are in the living room. She is helping Mike put a heavy coat on for an upcoming Roaring 20s party.)

Carol: Oh, this is heavy.

Mike: Wait a minute, wait a minute.

(He takes a hat off her head and puts it on his.)

Carol: That seems to fit all right.

Mike: How do I look?

Carol: Well, I think you might make the centerfold of the raccoon posethe.

Mike: Oh, eat your heart out, Rudy Vallee.

(Bobby comes by.)

Mike: Hi, Bob.

Carol: Hey Bobby, how do you like your Dad’s costume?

Bobby (unenthused): It’s great.

Mike: Well, he’s underwhelmed.

Carol: Listen, I got yours finished, would you like to try it on?

Bobby: I got too much thinking to do.

Mike (concerned): Uh, Bob, anything wrong?

Bobby: Not really.

Carol: Well, is there anything you want to talk to us about?

Bobby: Not really.

Mike: Is there anything we can do?

Bobby: Not really?

(He goes upstairs.)

Mike (to Carol): Nothing like parents having a heart to heart talk with their kids.

(Greg is in his attic room with Marcia and Jan. They are looking at some old records.)

Marcia: These are really perfect for the Roaring 20s party.

Jan: Where did you get them, Greg?

Greg: Dave Osbourne lent them to me.

Jan: Got some funny songs in these things.

Greg; Get a load of this, can red lips kiss my blues away.

Marcia: How about this one, does the spearmint lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight.

(They laugh.)

Jan: Yes, we have no bananas? Today that sounds more like a group instead of a song.

(Cindy comes up.)

Cindy: I’ve got a secret, I’ve got a secret.

Jan: What kind of a secret, Cindy.

Cindy: That’s for me to know and you to find out.

(She leaves.)

Greg; When is she gonna grow up?

Marcia: When there’s nobody else to blab on.

(Carol is on her way up the stairs when she hears Mike playing a ukelele in his den. She knocks on the door.)

Carol: Is that you, Mike?

Mike (answering): Hi.

Carol: I thought I heard a ukelele in here.

Mike: You did?

Carol: Yeah.

Mike: That’s because you did. (He shows her) Listen, I’m gonna be the cat’s meow at that Roaring 20s party. I’m really gonna play this.

Carol: Great.

Mike (singing): My dog has fleas.

Carol (laughing): Sounds a little more like his temper to me.

Mike: Okay, request time. What would you like?

Carol: I wanna be loved by you.

Mike: Later, right now I’m playing the ukelele.

Carol: Oh, Mike.

Mike: Come on, lend me your tonsil.

Carol: You know I don’t have my tonsils anymore. How about a vocal chord.

Mike: Okay.

(He starts to play and Carol starts to sing. Mike joins in the second verse.)

Carol and Mike: I wanna be loved by you, just you and nobody else but you . I wanna be loved by you alone. Boop-boop-de-boop. I wanna be kissed by you, just you and nobody else but you I wanna be kissed by you alone. Boop-boop-de-boop. I couldn’t aspire to anything higher than to feel the desire
to make you my own ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-doodly-dum-boo. I wanna be loved by you, just you and nobody else but you . I wanna be loved by you alone.

Alice (looking inside the door): Boop-boop-de-boop. (They look over to her) Pardon my boop, I just got carried away.

(They laugh as we move to the next scene. Bobby is in his room doing homework. He starts to imagine himself and Milliscent running to each other in slow motion and kissing each other. He gets up, goes over to the mirror and practices puckering. Peter comes in the room.)

Peter: What are you doing? Warming up to enter an ugly contest?

Bobby: Uh, no, I’m practicing for a whistling contest. I entered a whistling contest.

(He whistles for him.)

Peter: You sure got a dumb looking pucker.

Cindy (entering the room): I got a secret, I got a secret.

Bobby: What kind of secret?

Cindy: That’s for me to kow and you to find out.

(She runs out.)

Bobby: Think she’s got something on you, Pete?

Peter: Me? I haven’t done anything. It’s probably you.

Bobby: Not me. I got the cleanest conscience in town. Who cares about Cindy and her dumb secret? (Bobby is in Cindy’s room asking about the secret) Okay, Cindy, what’s your secret?

Cindy: I’ll give you a hint. It starts with the letter m.

Bobby: M, like in money.

Cindy: Nope. M like you find it in Holland and it goes round and round.

Bobby (disgusted): Cindy, windmil doesn’t start with an m.

Cindy: The second half of it does?

Bobby: Mill?

Cindy (nodding): Now add this to it. (a penny)

Bobby: Millpenny? Milllincoln? Millcent?

(Cindy nods and uses her hands to make it longer.)

Bobby: Milliscent? Milliscent! (bitterly) What do you know about Milliscent?

Cindy: Only this.

(She puckers.)

Bobby (angry): You were spying.

Cindy: I was not. I just happened to be looking where I wasn’t supposed to.

Bobby (pleading): Cindy, you got to protect me, I’m your brother.

Cindy: Protect you from Milliscent?

Bobby (bitterly): From Greg and Peter. If they find out, I’ll be ruined for life.

Cindy: At your age, that’s a long time.

Bobby: Please, Cindy, promise me you won’t say anything about kissing me, please?

(The older kids come in.)

Greg: Cindy, we want to talk to you.

Cindy: About what?

Peter: I’ll give you a hint. (He mimics Cindy) I’ve got a secret, I’ve got a secret.

Marcia: We want to know what the secret is.

Jan: And who you’ve got it on.

Cindy: None of you.

Greg: Then who.

(All eyes fall on Bobby.)

Marcia: So the secret’s on Bobby, huh. Hey, what is it, Cindy?

Jan: Yeah, tell us what it is.

Peter: Come on.

Cindy: Well, the secret is. The secret is.

Marcia: Yeah.

Cindy: There is no secret.

(They all get annoyed.)

Greg: Wait a minute, if there’s no secret, what’s all this I’ve got a secret, I’ve got a secret jazz for.

Cindy: Well, if I didn’t say that, would I be getting all this attention?

(They get frustrated and leave. Bobby is happy.)

Bobby: Thanks, Cindy, if you weren’t a girl, I’d kiss you.

(Cut to the den, where Carol is showing Mike a dance while wearing a new dress.)

Carol: You like it? (the dress)

Mike: You really made that yourself?

Carol: No, I remade it. I found it in a trunk in the attic. You like it?

Mike: I think it’s terrific.

Carol: You like the, uh, fringe?

Mike: I like the fringe benefits. (Bobby comes in) Hello there.

Carol: Hi, sweetheart. You like my dress?

Bobby: Mom, can I talk to Dad for a minute? It’s kind of a father son thing.

Carol: Oh, well, since I don’t qualify for either one, see you around.

(She leaves the den.)

Mike (to Bobby): Sit down. (They both take a seat) Well, what’s on your mind?

Bobby: Remember when you asked me if I had a problem?

Mike: Ah, yeah.

Bobby: The problem is, I don’t really know if I have a problem. You know what I mean?

Mike: Eh, no, but I’m sure we can figure the problem out, especially if you’re not sure if you really have one.

Bobby: Yeah. I don’t really know where to start.

Mike: Uh huh. Well, how about the beginning.

Bobby: Well, Dad, did you ever kiss a girl when you were my age?

Mike: Yeah, I kind of remember that I did.

Bobby: Did something special happen?

Mike: Sure did, her father walked in.

Bobby: I mean, how did you feel? Like, did you see skyrockets or something?

Mike: Well, not skyrockets, exactly. A few little firecrackers, maybe.

Bobby: Well, if you did see skyrockets, would that mean you’re in love?

Mike: Bobby, that depends. I suppose, it could.

Bobby: Then people who are in love get engaged, right?

Mike: Well, uh….

Bobby: And then they get married.

Mike: Well, I think in your case, I recommend a long engagement.

Bobby: How long?

Mike: About 10 years. Son, love and marriage, and engagements, it’s a wonderful business, but, you want to make very sure about those skyockets.

Bobby: Make sure, huh. Thanks, Dad, I’ll keep in touch.

(He gets up and leaves.)

Mike: Uh, you do that.

(Next, Bobby goes to Milliscent’s house. He rings the bell and she answers.)

Bobby: Hi Milliscent, I have to make sure of something.

Milliscent: What?

Bobby: Whether it’s skyrockets or not. (He kisses her and again he sees skyrockets) Yeah, it’s skyrockets.

Milliscent: Bobby, I don’t think you should’ve done that.

Bobby: Why not?

Milliscent: I’m contagious. The doctor thinks I may have the mumps.

Bobby (surprised): The mumps?

(She shrugs and closes the door, leaving Bobby mortified. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Alice on the phone with Sam.)

Alice: Oh, and Sam, I better give you the latest news about the roaring 20s party. I entered us in the Charleston contest. Right. Well, wear your shin guards, Sam, because when I do the Charleston, it’s every man for himself. (She laughs.) I’ll see you tomorrow night, Sam, bye. (She does a little dance and Bobby comes in) That’s a pretty long face for a short fellow, is there anything wrong?

Bobby: I’ll say. I know this guy who’s really worried.

Alice: That covers a lot of guys. Can you narrow it down a little?

Bobby: Well, he’s a friend of mine. He thinks he might have the mumps.

Alice: Now, that is a lumpy problem.

Bobby: How can he tell if he’s got them for sure, Alice?

Alice: Well, are his neck glands swollen?

Bobby: No, not yet.

Alice: Any puffiness around his cheeks?

Bobby: No, not yet.

Alice: Well, just to be on the safe side, he really ought to stay away from everybody until he knows for sure.

Bobby: Until he knows for sure, huh.

Alice: Yeah, he doesn’t want to go around giving everybody the mumps.

Bobby: Oh, no. I mean, he wouldn’t want to do that. Thanks.

(Bobby is in the bathroom gargling. Then he gets a tape measure to measure his neck. Peter comes in.)

Peter: What are ypou measuring your neck for?

Bobby: Uh, I just want to see how thick it was getting.

Peter: It will never be as thick as your head.

Bobby: Very funny.

Peter (coming closer): Let me measure your head.

Bobby (running away): No, don’t get near me.

Peter: What’s wrong?

Bobby: I don’t want you to mess up my hair.

(He runs into the bathroom.)

Peter: I think your hair is growing on the inside of your head, and it’s tickling your brain.

(Next, the rest of the family is about to practice the Charleston.)

Carol: Okay gang, this is our final dress rehearsal. Now remember, the important thing about the Charleston is not to kick anybody. (to Mike) Especially you. So spread out, come on.

Mike: Okay. (He realizes Bobby is not with them) Hold it, where’s Bobby?

Peter: He’s upstasirs. He said he doesn’t like the Charleston.

Jan: He’ll be sorry tomorrow night when the music starts.

(Greg turns the record on and they start dancing.)

Mike: Remember the trick is never to let your feet leave your legs.

Cindy: Wow, this is fun.

(Bobby comes out and watches from the top of the stairs.)

Alice: I feel like a field goal kicker in the Super Bowl.

Mike: 22 Skidoo.

Marcia: 23, Dad.

(They show the family doing many dance antics. Bobby goes inside to call Milliscent.)

Bobby (on the phone): Hello, Milliscent, hi, this is Bobby Brady.

Milliscent: Oh, hi Bobby. How are you feeling?

Bobby: So far, so good. Are you swollen or anything?

Milliscent: Not yet?

Bobby: Well, are you sure you got the mumps?

Milliscent: I won’t know for sure until tomorrow morning when the doctor comes over.

Bobby: Well, call me as soon as you can in the morning, will you?

Milliscent: By 10 o’clock, okay.

Bobby: Don’t forget, because I’m in a tough spot.

Milliscent: You shouldn’t have kissed me so quick, Bobby. I didn’t have a chance to tell you anything.

Bobby: Those darn skyrockets.

Milliscent: Huh?

Bobby: Never mind, talk to you tomorrow. Bye. (He hangs up and says to himself) I guess I’ll just have to stay away from evberybody till tomorrow morning.

(That evening, Carol goes into the boys’ room to check on them. Peter is sleeping while Carol finds a football jersey and helmet in Bobby’s bed.)

Carol: Peter (she turns the light on) Peter, wake up.

Peter: Huh?

Carol: Where’s Bobby?

Peter: He’s sleeping.

Carol: Oh, no he isn’t. He’s not in his bed.

Peter: He was.

Carol (running into her room): Mike, Mike, Bobby’s gone.

Mike: What do you mean gone?

Carol: Well, he made up his bed to look like he was in it but he isn’t there.

Mike: We better take a look around.

Greg (coming in): What’s all the excitement?

Carol: Bobby’s gone.

Greg: Gone?

Mike: Greg, did you see him downstairs?

Greg: No, I was watching the late show.

Carol: Do you suppose he could’ve run away, Mike?

Mike: Let’s go take a look and see if his bicycle’s there. Come on.

Carol: Come on, Peter.

(They go outside and check the back yard.)

Carol: Are you sure you boys didn’t have a fight with Bobby?

Greg: Not me.

Peter: Me either, but he sure’s been acting weird.

Mike: What do you mean weird?

Peter: He kept on looking at himself in the mirror, I mean, like, all the time.

Greg (turning the garage light on): His bike’s stil here.

Carol: Well, that’s a good sign.

Peter: He could have hitchhiked away, or walked, or maybe even rollerskated.

Mike (sarcastically): We appreciate your optimism, Peter.

Carol (to Mike): Honey, why don’t we check the neighborhood.

Greg: We don’t know how long he’s been gone.

Peter: Yeah, he could be miles away by now, mybe in another state.

Mike: You brought us enough good news for one night, Peter.

Greg: Dad, do you hear music?

Mike: Yes, I do.

Peter: Me too.

Carol: Hey, it seems to be coming from over there.

(They go over to the doghouse, where Bobby is hiding and listening to his radio. Mike pulls him out.)

Bobby: I guess you’re all probably wondering what I’m doing out here, huh?

Carol: Well, the question has crossed our minds.

Mike: And I hope the answer’s a good one or you’re really gonna be in the doghouse.

(Next, Bobby is inside explaining the situation to Mike and Carol.)

Carol: Bobby, for your first kiss, did you have to pick a girl with the mumps.

Bobby: I didn’t exactly pick her, she kissed me first.

Mike (laughing): Women’s lib starts early.

Carol: Well, didn’t you notice that her face was swollen?

Bobby: It wasn’t. Besides, I was too busy watching the skyrockets.

Carol: Skyrockets?

Mike: Yeah, I’ll explain that one later.

Carol: Well, honey, we really appreciate you trying to protect us, but I sure wish you would’ve told us about it.

Bobby: Greg and Peter would’ve laughed me right out of town.

Mike: Well, now you’re gonna have to laugh your way all the way to the doctor’s office for a checkup.

Carol: You know, Mike, this may be going through the school. We may have all the kids going for a checkup. Well, it’s a lucky thing you and I both had the mumps.

Mike: Well, honey, only one of us is lucky and it ain’t me.

Carol: You mean, you never had the mumps?

Bobby: Well, Milliscent isn’t positive she’s got the mumps. Not until she sees her doctor?

Mike: When’s that?

Bobby: Tomorrow morning. She’s gonna call me when she knows for sure.

Carol: Well, I guess we’ll just have to wait for a call from Milliscent.

Bobby: Mom, Dad, I’m really sorry.

Mike: Oh, that’s okay, son. If you had to get the mumps, you got them the best way you could get them.

(The next morning, Bobby is anxiously awaiting a call from Milliscent, while at the breakfast table with Carol, Mike, and the girls.)

Bobby: What time is it, Dad?

Mike: It’s about one minute later than the last time you asked.

Cindy: Milliscent sure has a slow doctor.

Jan: By now, Marcus Welby could’ve cured five diseases and done brain surgery.

Alice: More pancakes, anybody?

Carol: Thanks, Alice.

Bobby: Who can eat at a time like this?

Carol: Bobby, not eating isn’t gonna make the phone ring any faster. Come on.

Marcia: Of all the things I don’t need right now, it’s the mumps.

Cindy: Yeah, and if we do get them it’ll be all Bobby’s fault.

Bobby: My fault? Milliscent’s your friend.

Cindy: Yes, but I don’t go around kissing her.

Bobby (angry): That’s supposed to be a secret.

Cindy: Well, you made me say it.

Marcia: Is that what the secret was?

Jan: Did you really kiss Milliscent?

Bobby: Only for an experiment. (They all laugh) Now, the whole neighborhood is gonna know. That’s what happens to a guy with three sisters.

Mike: Okay, you guys, cool it.

(The phone rings. Bobby frantically answers it.)

Bobby: Do you have the mumps or don’t you? Oh, it’s you, Sam. Yeah, she’s right here. It’s for you, Alice.

Marcia: Alice, could you please make it quick?

Alice: Yeah, I will. (She get son the phone) look, Sam, I can’t talk to you right now, they’re expecting a very important phone call. A special on lamb chops, how much? That, they must still have the wool on them. Better bring some over,. Oh, and if there’s a quarantine sign on the door, just drop them and run. (She hangs up) Sorry, when I get a sale on meat, I flip out.

(The phone rings again and Bobby answers.)

Bobby: Hello. (to the family) It’s Milliscent. (to Milliscent) Do you or don’t you? Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. Thanks, bye.

(He hangs up.)

Marcia: Well?

Bobby: That was Milliscent.

Jan: We know that.

Cindy: Yeah, what did she say?

Bobby: Well, it was kind of private.

Carol: How can the mumps be private?

Bobby: The part where she said I was a good kisser is private.

Mike: Yes, but what about the mumps?

Bobby: She doesn’t have them.

(The family rejoices and the girls get up to leave.)

Bobby: See you later.

Carol: Hey, come back here. Where you going?

Bobby: Milliscent said I should come over. But don’t worry, Dad. We’re not thinking about marriage yet.

Mike: Yeah, well there is something you should be thinking about, you know. All the problems you could’ve caused by hiding the fact that you’ve been exposed to the mumps.

Carol: Honey, don’t ever be afraid to come and tell us something.

Bobby: I get the message.

Mike: Good.

Bobby: Now can I go see Milliscent?

Mike: Go.

Bobby: Thanks.

(He runs off.)

Carol: Boy, he can’t seem to get over those skyrockets, can he.

Mike: Yeah, magic of youth. Too bad we grow up and lose it.

Carol: Who said we have to lose it?

(She reaches over to him and they kiss. They both see skyrockets as a result.)

Mike: Wow.

Carol: Skyrockets?

Mike: Oh, yeah, you too?

Carol: Definitely.

(They kiss again.)

Alice: I don’t know what the calendar says, but around here it’s the fourth of July.

(The scene fades away.)

(The final scene has the family returning home from the Roaring 20s party. Carol sends the kids off to bed.)

Carol: Alice, I think it’s fantastic that you and Sam won the prize for the Charleston contest.

Alice: Well, you know, folks, I’m not really sure we won it fair and square.

Mike: Why not, you’re both great dancers?

Alice: I have a confession to make, Sam isn’t that good.

Mike: He sure looked great.

Alice: Yeah, and to make sure he did, just before the music started, I dropped a few ice cubes down his back.


S5 E3 Snow White And The Seven Bradys

Snow White And The Seven Dwarves

Written by Ben Starr

The Bradys put on a play for Cindy’s retiring teacher. Hope you enjoy the script.













(The episode begins with Carol and Cindy coming home from a meeting at Cindy’s school. Carol gets out of the car but Cindy stays in.)

Carol: Come on, Cindy.

Cindy: Couldn’t I stay out here for three days?

Carol: Uh, stop stalling.

(She opens the car door.)

Cindy: Mom, can’t we make a deal?

Carol: Listen, I’m not Monty Hall. Besides, making a deal is what got us into all this trouble. Now come on.

Cindy (getting out): You sure you ouldn’t like me to mow the lawn?

Carol: No.

Cindy: Wash the car?

Carol: No. I want you to march straight in that house, and tell your father, what you did.

Cindy: How about if I phone it to him, like, from Florida.

Carol: Come on, Cindy.

(She takes her by the arm and they walk into the house.)

Cindy: How could a little kid like me have such a big mouth?

Carol: Good question.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike in his den. Carol and Cindy come in.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Oh, hi. How was the meeting at school?

Carol: Cindy, why don’t you tell your father how the meeting was?

Cindy: Dad, I got great news.

Carol: Great?

Cindy: Well, that’s better than saying it’s awful news.

Mike: Uh, oh, come on, what is it?

Cindy: Well, see, it’s about my teacher, Mrs. Whitfield. And you see, she’s retiring, and everybody loves her so much, that they all want to buy her a special gift.

Mike: Well, that’s very nice of everybody, what’s the gift?

Carol: Well, it’s something Mrs. Whitfield always wanted. A set of first edition books that costs $200.

Mike: How much of my money did you pledge?

Cindy: Not a cent. Isn’t that terrific?

Carol: Yes, now, tell him the not so terrific part.

Cindy: Well, I had an idea how to raise the $200.

Carol: Go ahead and tell him what the idea is.

Cindy: By putting on a play, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Mike: Oh, I get it, and you told them your father was an architect and he’d build the set story. Is that right?

Cindy: Half right.

Mike (suspicious): Is it the other half I have to look out for?

Cindy: Yeah, well, see, it sort of seems you’re in the play.

Mike (shocked): In the play?

Carol: it sort of seems like the whole family is in the play.

Cindy: Dad, you got a great part, you’re Prince Charming.

Carol: Oh, and guess who is Snow White.

Mike: I don’t have time to be in the play.

Cindy: Well, it’s just a little part.

Mike: I thought you said it was a great part.

Cindy: Well, it’s a great little part.

Mike (to Carol): Where were you when all this was going on? Couldn’t you stop her?

Carol: I was right there, but, when she told everybody that we’d do it, well, they all stood up and applauded, and they said they’d get a theater, sell tickets, anything. Well, how could I back out?

Cindy: Daddy.

(She gives him a pleading look.)

Mike: Okay.

Cindy (pleased): Oh, thank you.

(She kisses his cheek.)

Mike: Yes, but if you want your brothers and sisters to be in this play, now, you’re gonna have to ask them for yourself.

Cindy: Okay.

(Cindy is upstairs talking to Jan.)

Jan: Me? Play one of the seven dwarves.

Cindy: You like Mrs. Whitfield, don’t you?

Jan: Sure, she was my favorite teacher. She was Marcia’s favorite teacher too. I think she was even Mom’s favorite teacher.

Cindy: Boy, she’s been teaching since the olden days.

Jan: You better not say that around Mom.

Cindy: Will you help me with the play?

Jan: Sure, if I can be Dopey.

Cindy: Well, you can’t be Dopey?

Jan: Why not?

Cindy: I’m saving that part for someone special.

Jan: Who?

Cindy: Me.

(She knocks on the bathroom door, where Marcia is.)

Marcia: Come in.

Cindy (entering): Marcia, how….

Marcia: Sure, Cindy, anything for good old Mrs. Whitfield.

Cindy: Oh, thanks.

Marcia: Except I wanna play Dopey instead of you.

Cindy: How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?

Marcia: Thin walls.

(She next goes up to Greg’s room in the attic. She knocks on the door.)

Greg: Come in.

Cindy: Gee, Greg, this room in the attic sure is neat. I love the way you fixed it up, and Alice will love…

Greg; Cindy, you don’t have to butter me up. I’ll be glad to help out Mrs. Whitfield.

Cindy: Thanks.

Greg: But I want to play Dopey instead of you.

Cindy: How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?

Greg (ponting down): Thin floors.

(She knocks on Peter and Bobby’s door. Peter answers.)

Peter: Sure, Cindy, anything for Mrs. Whitfield. As long as I get to play Dopey.

Bobby: That goes for me, too, but I want to play Dopey.

(He and Peter start to argue over the part of Dopey as Cindy leaves.)

Cindy (to herself): Snow White and the Seven Dopeys?

(She goes downstairs to see Alice.)

Cindy: Alice, how wouild you like a nice, big, juicy part in my play?

Alice: I’d love to, can I play Dopey?

Cindy: That part’s already taken, six times.

Alice: What do you have left?

Cindy: The Wicked Queen.

Alice: You got yourself a deal. If I can’t be a wacky dwarf, I’ll be a wicked queen. Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha.

Cindy: That was good, thanks, Alice.

(Next,. the kids are all in the family room. Carol comes in with a hat. The hat has a bunch of slips in it with the name of one of the dwarves.)

Carol: Okay, kids. In this hat are the names of the seven dwarves. And what you pick is what you get.

(The kids all protest loudly.)

Mike: Okay, hold it now, you heard your mother. Hey, pick.

Carol (to Cindy): Okay, you first.

(Cindy looks inside the hat for Dopey but Carol pushes it toward her face. Cindy picks.)

Cindy: Grumpy.

Bobby (picking next): Bashful.

Marcia: Sleepy.

Greg: Be there Dopey, baby. (He picks) Doc.

Carol (to Jan): Come on.

Jan: Happy.

Carol (to Peter): Keep smiling.

Peter: I’m seven and a quarter.

Mike: Quit clowning and pick a name there.

Jan: Pete’s the only one left, he has to be Dopey.

(Alice comes by through the kitchen.)

Greg: Hey, wait a minute, there’s seven dwarves and there’s only six of us. So there’s still two slips of paper left.

Carol: Hey, Greg’s right. We’re short one child.

Mike: If that’s a hint, forget about it.

(Peter takes his name picking a slip.)

Carol: Ah, we’ll be here all day.

Marcia: Really.

Peter: Sneezy.

Carol: Hey, we still need somebody to play Dopey.

Marcia: We can’t do Snow White and the six dwarves.

Alice: We’ll just have to find an outsider to play Dopey.

(At that moment, Sam knocks on the door with a delivery. Alice answers.)

Sam: Hi, Alice. I brought your order.

Alice: Sam, have I got a part for you.

Sam: Hmm?

Alice: Welcome to show business.

(Mike comes home in the next scene and sees the guys working on props for the play.)

Peter: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hey, boys.

Greg (showing him a tree he made): How’s this for a tree?

Mike: Hey, now, that looks pretty good. Of course, if you want an expert opinion, you’ll have to talk to the three poodles next door.

(He walks off and goes inside the house. Carol is in the family room, knitting.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart. (He kisses her) How’s the costume department coming along?

Carol: Oh, not too bad. I’m just reinforcing the seat of Sneezy’s pants so they won’t split when he sneezes.

(We next see Alice rehearsing while she cooks.)

Alice (laughing) : Mirror, mirror, that I see, is there anyone prettier than me? (to Mike) How is that?

Mike: Wicked, Alice, wicked.

(Alice mistakenly puts the mirror in the soup.)

Alice: Mirror, mirror in my (she realizes her mistake) soup?

(Later on, Carol and Cindy are downstairs in the living room. Mike comes down the stairs.)

Mike: Everybody’s ready for rehearsal?

Carol: Just waiting for you, Prince Charming, and a half dozen dwarves.

(The phone rings.)

Mike: Hello. Yes, if you’ll hang on for just a second, I’ll let you speak to the lady who’s handling the arrangemants. Cindy, it’s Mr. Gunther, the gentlemen with the theater.

Cindy: Hi, Mr. Gunther. Yeah, that’s right, this Saturday. (She starts to get upset) Well, that’s when it is! But Mr. Gunther, they put in tickets already! And (Pause) No, I guess it’s not your fault, bye.

(She hangs up the phone and looks upset.)

Mike: What’s the matter?

Cindy: I thought I told them this Saturday. But I guess I made a mistake. We can’t have the theatrer, it’s rented.

Carol: Oh, Cindy.

Cindy (very upset): I already told Mrs. Whitfield about the big day for her, and we ordered the books for her! And now it’s ruined and it’s all my fault!

(She runs upstairs and the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Cindy in her room moping. Carol comes in to speak to her.)

Carol: Cindy. (She sits on the bed with her) Hey, you know, I never thought you were a quitter.

Cindy: Who’s a quitter?

Carol: Well, it looks like you are. You know, you accepted a big responsibility and now you’re just dropping it.

Cindy: But there’s no place to put the play on. What can I do?

Carol: Listen, I’m not sure what you can do. But we can all put our heads together and try to think of something.

Cindy (looking up): Maybe we can do it with one big head, huh.

Carol: Well, we just might. No problem was ever solved by crawling into a hole.

Cindy: Then I guess I better crawl out, huh.

Carol: That would be a good start. Now, come on, Grumpy.

(Greg is on the phone, trying to find a theater.)

Greg: We need a theater next Saturday, Mr. Fiske. How much? Oh, well, it’s sort of for charity. I see, you already gave at the office. Thanks anyway.

(Alice gets on the telephone.)

Alice: Hello, oh, hi, Sam.

Sam: Hey, Alice. I had an idea about a theater for you.

Alice: You did?

Sam: Yep, and it’s a place you can use for free.

Alice: Sounds like our kind of place, where is it?

Sam: Well, it’s not exactly a theater, it’s more like a warehouse.

Alice: Any port in a storm, Sam.

Sam: Well, there’s just one thing you got to do before you can use it.

Alice: What’s that?

Sam: You got to wait until the temperature to go up 80 degrees and then move and then move all the frozen caucuses out of the meat locker.

Alice: Thanks, anyway, Sam. But keep trying.

(Mike and Carol are in the den.)

Mike: Carol.

Carol: What is it, honey?

Mike: I think I figured out where we can put on the play.

Carol: Oh, Mike, that’s terrific. You know, I know now why I married you. You are a genius. Where?

Mike: Right in the backyard. (He shows her his plan) Look, this harbor with a little extension would make a great stage and there’s enough room for an audience there.

Carol: That is terrific, Mike. You know, you’re not just an ordinary one in a million genuis. You are super gene.

(She kisses him.)

Mike: Yeah, that’s not what i would’ve said, though. And I’m glad you did.

Cindy (leaning through the door): Good night. I’m going to bed now. My head is tired of thinking.

Carol: Honey, you don’t have to think anymore. Your Dad has solved the whole problem. We can put on the play.

Cindy (excited): Where?

Mike: Right in the backyard. There’s enough room for a stage and an audience.

Cindy: Oh, Dad, you’re a genius!

Mike: Well, it seems to be the general concensus around here.

Carol: Well, listen, we got a lot of work to do, so you better get a good night sleep.

Cindy: Who can sleep now? I’ll tell the others.

(She runs out of the den.)

Mike: You know, there is a lot to do. I got to clean out the backyard, haul in the chairs, build that stage extension, rig a P.A. system and finish the sets.

Carol: Well, Mike, look on the brightside. You got a whole day and a half to do it in. (He laughs) Besides, you’re a genius, remember.

Mike: True.

(We next see Alice helping Marcia and Jan at the dinner table, making curtains.)

Alice: Have we got enough bedsheets here for the stage curtain?

Jan: No, I think we need one more.

Alice: Okay, well I’ll go and get it. (She gets up but the tablecloth, which was attached to her, goes with her. The girls stop her) I hope I do better in the show business than I’ve done in the sew business.

(Cindy is in the back with Mike and the boys. She hands Mike the system and he hangs it. Greg sees Peter sawing a table.)

Greg: Come on with that thing, would you?

(Peter cuts it in half and Greg takes one half. Mike looks in disbelief as Alice come sout with a trayful of drinks.)

Alice: How about a cooling off break, men.

(Cindy and the guys take a drink and thank Alice. She brings a drink to Mike.)

Alice: Oh, that stage looks great already, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Alice, you ain’t seen notihng yet.

(Next, the play is about to go on. Carol is looking out the window and then Mike comes to join her. They are both in costume.)

Mike: You’re counting the house, honey?

Carol: I’m counting the house and my pulse. You know, I got opening day jitters.

Mike: Oh, relax, Snow White. You’re going to be a smash. Besides, what can go wrong now?

(Alice comes in to talk to them.)

Alice: Mr. Brady, Mr. Brady. Mr. Brady!

Mike: I had to ask.

Alice: I made the most terrible goof.

Mike: Oh, what is it, Alice?

Alice: Well, when I was rehearsing this morning I ate the most important prop in the play. My poison apple that I had to give to Snow White.

Carol: We had a whole bag of apples.

Alice: I know, but I rehearsed an awful lot. You don’t suppose the audience would settle for a poison banana.

Mike: No, Alice, I don’t. Look, there’s plenty of time left. I’ll go to the market.

Carol: Well, hurry Mike, hurry.

Mike: Right.

(Sam is in the living room rehearsing his part of Dopey.)

Sam: Duh, I remember which way we live.

Mike: Sam.

Sam: Duh, somebody call my name.

Mike: Is your truck parked out front?

Sam: Yeah, why?

Mike: Because I need a lift to the market fast.

Sam: Sure thing, Mr. Brady.

(They leave for the market. Mike gets out.)

Mike: I’ll only be a minute, Sam.

Sam: I won’t move an inch.

(A police officer comes over to him.)

Policeman: Move it.

Sam: Oh, hi officer.

Policeman: You’re parked in a rear zone, buddy.

Sam: Yeah, well, we’ll be right out in a jiffy.

Policeman: You got your operator’s license?

Sam (reaching his pockets): Yeah, I got it right here somewhere.

Policeman: Maybe you better step out here and show it to me.

Sam: Oh, okay, sure.

(He gets out of the truck and the officer notices his costume.)

Policeman: Did anybody ever tell you your Mommy dresses you funny?

Sam: Hmm, oh, ha, ha. I better explain. You see, I’m Dopey.

Policeman: I figured that out.

(Mike comes back with an apple.)

Mike: Hi there, officer.

Policeman: Who are you supposed to be?

Mike: I’m Prince Charming.

Policeman: You got an identification, prince, or did you leave it at the palace?

Mike: I’m Mike Brady, they know me at the market.

Sam: Officer, we got to get back with the poison apple.

Policeman: Poison?

Mike (taking the apple out of the bag): Yeah, it’s for the wicked queen.

Policeman (sarcastically): I can’t wait to hear the rest of this.

Mike: You see, we’re doing a play, Snow White, and we forgot the poison apple.

Policeman: Yeah, I figured it was some kind of costume. Okay, get going.

Sam: Oh, thank you.

Policeman: Hey, by the way, in case my kids want to see the show, what theater are you playing in?

Mike: Oh, it isn’t in a theater. It’s in the backyard.

Policeman: Your backyard?

Mike: Yeah.

Policeman: You charge admission?

Mike: Oh, sure, we’ree trying to raise money.

Policeman: I assume you have a city permit.

Mike: Permit?

Policeman: You got to have a permit.

Mike: We, uh, kind of forgot the permit.

(Back at the house, Bobby loks outside at the crowd.)

Bobby: The neighbors are getting restless, Mom.

Carol: I can’t imagine what happened to your father and Sam.

Cindy; We can’t start without Dopey, he’s in the first scene.

Carol: Oh, get ready, everybody.

Marcia: What are we gonna do?

Carol: Oh, I don’t know, just get ready, I’ll try to stall. I don’t know.

(Carol goes out to face the audience.)

Carol: Hello. (Everyone in the audience applauds) Welcome, welcome to our show. Uh, now, uh, before the curtains open, I would like you to meet the celebrity who is responsible for bringing all of us together. She’s everybody’s favorite teacher, Mrs. Whitfield.

(Mrs. Whirtfield rises and faces the audience. they applaud for her. She sits down.)

Carol (nervously): Now, uh, I’d like to tell you a couple more things about…

(Mike and Sam finally arrive back. The audience turns around.)

Mike: Hi, folks. Funny thing happened to me on the way to the market.

Carol: Thank goodness. Oh, thank you all for being so patient. And now, we’d like to give you our version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

(The curtains open.)

All kids and Sam (singing): Hi ho, hi ho, it’s home from work we go. (They whistle) Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go (they whistle again) hi ho, hi ho.

(Sam (Dopey) stops.)

Greg (Doc): What did you stop for, Dopey?

Sam(Dopey) : Duh, I forgot which way we live, Doc.

Jan (Happy) and Cindy (Grumpy) (pointing in different directions): We live that way.

Marcia (Sleepy): Can’t we get going, it’s time for my nap, I’m Sleepy.

Peter (Sneezy): I’m catching a cold.

(He pretends to sneeze. The audience laughs.)

Bobby (Bashful): I know which way we live.

Greg (Doc): Which way, Bashful?

Bobby (Bashful): I’m too Bashful to tell you.

(He pretends to laugh.)

Sam (Dopey): Hey, I remember which way. We follow the yellow brick road.

Cindy (Grumpy): That’s in the wizard of oz.

Sam (Dopey): So, don’t follow the yellow brick road.

(The audience laughs and they walk off stage singing the hi ho song.)

(Alice has the next scene as the Wicked Queen.)

Alice (Queen): Mirror, mirror, that I see, is there anyone fairer than me? You know what your answer had better be.

(Mike is using a microphone from the garage, acting as the mirror.)

Mike: Ah, my fair queen.

Alice (Queen): That’s better, speak.

Mike: Ah, my queen, Snow White as far out and youthful. More beautiful than you, I got to be truthful.

Alice (Queen): Snow White! Who is Snow White? Where is Snow White?

(Carol, as Snow White, appears on the stage, throwing confetti around.)

Carol (Snow White): Did somebody drop the name, Snow White?

Alice (Queen) (to the mirror): Is that her? The freaky looking kid?

Mike: You bet your nylon wig, ain’t she out of sight?

Alice (Queen): Bite your tongue, mirror.

Carol (Snow White): Madam, what a strange mirror you have. (She giggles) Did you wish to see me, your royal wickedness?

Alice (Queen): Yes, ugly child. Come, let us take a little stroll through the woods.

Carol (Snow White): The woods? Don’t hungry, wild animals live in the woods?

Alice (Queen): I certainly hope so.

(The next scene has them walking through the woods.)

Carol (Snow White): Listen to all those wild, hungry animals.

(Mike has all the kids and Sam making sounds of wild animals.)

Alice (Queen): Yeah, I just remembered I forgot something. I’ll be back later.

Carol (Snow White): Oh, no, oh, you wickedness, don’t leave me alone, I’m afraid.

(The kids are still making animal sounds on the microphone in the garage. The wicked queen takes out an apple.)

Alice (Queen): Here, eat this while I’m gone. It will calm you down, way down.

Carol (Snow White): Oh, you are so kind.

Alice (Queen): Let me be among the first to say, good-bye, Snow White.

(She laughs and goes off the stage.)

Carol (Snow White): Isn’t she sweet?

(She bites the apple and then screams and falls. The dwarves come on the stage.)

All kids and Sam (singing): Hi ho, hi ho, it’s home from work we go. (They whistle) Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho.

(Dopey notices Snow White on the ground and stops.)

Greg (Doc): Would you stop doing that, Dopey?

Sam (Dopey): Duh, but look, Doc.

(They notice her and respond in their own ways. Doc goes to check her.)

Bobby (Bashful): What’s the matter with her, Doc?

Greg (Doc): Either my stethoscope has stopped working, or she has. Nope, I’m afraid she’s

(He makes a sound to mean she’s dead. Dopey makes the same sound and he does again.)

Sam (Dopey): Duh, poor lady.

Jan (Happy): It’s so sad I can cry.

(Prince Charming comes out with a horse.)

Mike (Prince Charming): Hi there, I was just passing through and I saw your group. I thought it was a luau. (He notices Snow White) Oh, what a vision of loveliness. Is this damsel in distress?

Marcia (Sleepy): The worst kinds.

Bobby (Bashful): She’s (sound meaning dead).

(Prince Charming makes the same sound and she wakes up a little and does it as well.)

Mike (Prince Charming): It’s the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen. (He moves a little closer to her) I will kiss her.

Greg (Doc): As a doctor, I assure you that will do no good.

Mike (Prince Charming): It couldn’t hurt. (He gets down and goes to give her a kiss) I can’t reach you.

(She lifts her head, she asks her to move a little more, then he kisses her. She wakes up.)

Carol (Snow White): Ooh, I must have dozed off. Who are you?

Mike (Prince Charming): I am Prince Charming.

Carol (Snow White): Oh, was that you who kissed me or your horse?

Mike (Prince Charming): Huh?

Carol (Snow White): Just answer with a yay, or a niiiii.

(Mike laughs and so do all the kids.)

Greg (Doc): Somebody give her another bite of that apple.

Mike (Prince Charming): Oh no, this lady shall come with me to my palace, and be my princess.

(The kids help her get up.)

Carol (Snow White): Oh, you know, I think I better walk. I don’t believe there’s room for me and your horse.

(He laughs and they take off.)

Jan (Happy): I love happy endings.

Cindy (Grumpy): I hate happy endings.

(The kids get off the stage and take Mrs. Whitfield by the hand. They sing the hi ho song with the audience joining in. Then they give her the gift and kiss her good-bye. The audience gives a standing ovation as the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Sam and Alice talking about the play over coffee.)

Alice: I sure am a sucker for a happy ending.

Sam: Ditto. Mrs. Whitfield sure did appreciate the play and the books and everything, didn’t she.

Alice: I was thinking more along the line of Prince charming marrying Snow White.

Sam: Are you hinting, Alice?

Alice: Who? Me?

Sam: That’s okay. I’m a fellow who can take a hint. Let me put it this way.

Alice: Yes?

Sam: When you get to be Snow White, and I get to be Prince Charming, I’ll consider it.

Alice: Seems fair.,

(They raise their cups and take a sip.)