S3 E15 Little Big Man

untitled ladder untitled stay off the ladder

Little Big Man

Directed by Skip Webster

Bobby is sensitive about his height and becomes obsessed with getting taller. Then he realizes being small has its advantages. I hope you enjoy the script.











SAM the butcher

(The episode begins with Greg repairing a shutter on the girls’ window. Bobby starts pestering to help him. Greg gets on the ladder but stops to give a jar of screws to Bobby.)

Greg: Hold this!

(He climbs the rest of the ladder to start working on the shutter.)

Bobby: Can I bring you up some extra screws?

Greg: No, I have enough, thanks, Bobby.

Bobby: Well, I can bring you up a bigger screwdriver.

Greg: No thanks, this one’s fine.

Bobby: Well, can’t I help you hold the shutter in place.

Greg: Bobby, I know you want to help, but there’s only room for one up here.

(The phone rings and Alice calls for Greg.)

Alice: Greg, you got a phone call.

Greg: Thanks, Alice. Tell them I’ll be right there.

(He climbs down the ladder.)

Bobby: I’ll take over while you’re on the phone.

Greg: No, I’ll be right back. Besides, you’re too short to reach the shutter.

Bobby (protesting): I am not!

Greg: Bobby, stay off the ladder.

(Greg goes to take the call and Bobby puts down the jar of screws and climbs the ladder anyway. Meanwhile, Greg is inside on the phone.)

Greg: How much does he want for the surfboard? No, no, I want it, it’s just that I’ll have to raise a little extra cash, that’s all. Okay, I’ll call him right away. Yeah, i got his number up in my room. And thanks for tipping me, Eddie. Right, good-bye.

(He hangs the phone and goes upstairs. Meanwhile, Bobby climbs up to the shutters but accidentally kicks the ladder over and is stuck hanging on. The scene fades away.)

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(The next scene has Bobby yelling for help as he struggles to hang on to the window.)

Bobby: Help me! Anybody help me!

(Cindy comes running and yells for Alice.)

Cindy: Up there!

Bobby: Help me, please!

Alice (panicking): Hang on, Bobby! Cindy, the ladder!

(They take the ladder and set it back up. Greg hears Bobby from upstairs and comes to rescue him. He pulls him from outside and into the girls’ room.)

Greg: I told you to stay off that ladder!

Bobby: I’m off!

Greg: Are you okay?

Bobby: Yeah, I’m okay.

Greg: You pee-wees, always acting bigger than you are.

Bobby: Greg, Greg, you saved my life. (Greg gloats at the suggestion) I’ll pay you back, sometime.

Greg: That’ll be the day.

(Alice comes up from the ladder.)

Alice: Better late than never. Is Bobby okay?

Greg: He’s fine.

Alice: Good. (She suddenly gets scared of the fact she’s standing on a ladder) Look, now that you saved him, how about saving me.

(Greg and Bobby go to the window to bring her in. They all wind up on the floor.)

(Next, Mike, Carol and Jan come home from buying new clothes.)

Jan: We sure got a lot of stuff.

Carol: My feet are killing me.

Mike: The bills that are killing me.

(Cindy runs down the stairs to meet them.)

Cindy: Mom, Dad, am I glad you’re home.

Carol: What is it, sweetie?

Cindy: Well, first I have to ask you a question.

Carol: What?

Cindy: Well, is it tattling if I tell you something that somebody else doesn’t want you to know?

Mike: Yes, I’m afraid it is.

Cindy: Then you’ll just have to find out for yourself.

Jan: What?

Cindy (gleefully): That Bobby nearly fell off the house!

(They look at her shockingly. Later, Carol is removing splinters Bobby got in his hand.)

Bobby: OW!

Carol: Well, that’s just what you get, Bobby. You know, you really could’ve been hurt instead of just getting a few splinters.

Mike: What were you doing up there, anyway?

Bobby: Hanging on mostly.

Carol: Well, if Greg told you not to climb the ladder, why did you?

Bobby: I wanted to show him I wasn’t too small to do it. Greg’s right, I’m a pee-wee. I’ll always be a pee-wee.

Carol: Oh, Bobby, there are a lot of boys your age that are just your size.

Bobby: That’s easy for you to say. You know who’s the smallest in my class?

Carol (meekly): You?

Bobby: No, Freddy Hofstetter. I’m second smallest. But only because he got a haircut.

(Bobby starts going into the bathroom.)

Mike: Bob, everybody grows at their own speed. Maybe next year you’ll be one of the tallest.

Bobby: No, I won’t. (He shuts the bathroom then opens it again) And being little is the worst thing in the world.

(Mike and Carol look at each other with concern. Meantime, Greg goes into the kitchen to see Alice.)

Greg: Alice, have you seen the paper?

Alice: It’s in the family room.

Greg: I’ve been looing all over for that thing. I want to look at the want ad section. I got to find a way to make some extra loot.

Alice: You’re not gonna finance another jalopy.

Greg: No, I’m after a 6 inch board that’ll let me do flyways over those gremmies.

Alice: Would you mind repeating that in English?

Greg: That means this stoped up hot diver needs extra bread so he can latch on to a heavy board and hit the lineup.

Alice (sarcastically): Thanks for the translation. (He laughs) Hey, by any chance are you talking about surfing?

Greg: Right on.

(He goes into the family room and passes by Sam, who’s come to make a delivery.)

Greg: Hi, Sam.

Sam: Hi, Greg. (He comes in the kitchen) Hi, Alice. Here’s your meat order.

Alice: Thanks, Sam. Well, I can see the boss himself is making deliveries.

Sam: Alice, it’s because I’m crazy about you, and I like to look at you, and besides, my delivery boy quit.

Alice: Thanks, again.

Sam: 16 years old, and the kid wants fringe benefits.

(Alice puts the meat in the refrigerator/freezer.)

Alice: Well, fringe benefits are the in thing.

Sam: Yeah, but free philly mignons every day. No, sir, I got to try to find a new boy this week.

(Alice comes up with an idea.)

Alice: Sam, what if I were to find you an instant delivery boy?

Sam: I’d hug you.

Alice: An outstanding delivery boy?

Sam: I’d kiss you.

Alice: The greatest delivery boy in the whole world.

Sam: I’d hire him on the spot.

Alice (to herself): Alice, why don’t you quit while you’re ahead? (to Sam) Stay right where you are? (She goes into the family room) Greg.

Greg: Yeah. (she pushes him towards Sam) What do you want?

Alice: It’s what Sam wants, anew delivery boy.

Greg: Really, you do?

Sam: After school and all day Saturday, $1.50 an hour.

Greg: Wow, that’s great.

Sam: What about fringe benefits?

Greg: Fringe benefits, who cares about fringe benefits?

Sam: You’re hired. See you tomorrow at 4 sharp with your bike.

Greg; Out of sight. Thanks, Sam. You too, Alice. I’m gonna go over to Phil’s and take a look at that new surfboard.

Sam: Hey, uh, thanks, Alice. You really did me a favor.

(Bobby comes in the kitchen to wash hs hands.)

Bobby: Hi, Sam.

Sam: What do you say shrimpo?

Bobby: Shrimpo?

(He runs upstairs to his room.)

Sam: What did I say?

Alice: Bobby’s been going through a thing about being short. That shrimpo kinda hit him.

Sam: Oh, boy, have I got a big mouth. Is it okay if I go say I’m sorry?

Alice: Yes, Sam.

(Bobby goes to his room and gets on his bed. He pulls a handkerchief from his back pocket to wipe tears from his eyes. Sam comes in to talk to him. He grabs a chair and goes over to Bobby, who’s facing the wall.)

Sam: Bobby, look, I’m sorry about the shrimpo remark, pal. (Bobby doesn’t answer) Don’t you think I know how you feel? I had the same hang-up when I was a kid, only worse.

(Bobby turns over to face him.)

Bobby: You did?

Sam: Yeah, I weighed only 4 pounds when I was born. My old man wanted to send me back. (Bobby puts on a weak smile) I even flunked out of kindergarten, you know why?

Bobby: Why?

Sam: I was such a pee-wee, the teacher kept marking me absent. (Bobby sits up on the bed) And then it happened, in one year, I grew six inches.

Bobby: Six inches in one year? (Sam nods) Wow. If I can do that until I’m 21…

Sam: Well, let’s see. You’d dress out at about 10 feet 2 inches tall.

Bobby: Wow, I’ll make the basketball team.

Sam: Pal, you’ll be the basketball team.

(He pats Bobby’s head. We next see Bobby in the backyard stretching himself because he believes it will help him grow. Peter goes over to him.)

Peter: What are you doing?

Bobby: Stretching myself.

Peter: Stretching yourself?

Bobby: Yeah, I bet I’m getting longer by the minute.

Peter: If it doesn’t work, don’t feel bad. You can always be a jockey.

(Peter laughs and walks away. Bobby sticks his tongue out at him.)

(The next scene has Greg down at the butcher shop with Sam.)

Sam: Well, how do you like the meat business after one day?

Greg: I’m bushed. (He pulls a tray of meat to put in the meat locker) I wish there more vegetarians. I bet I pumped 40 miles on my bike today.

Sam: Just keep thinking about that new surfboard.

Greg: Not new, used. But I’m gonna fix it up.

Sam: I should be doing some fixing up myself. New counters, modernize that meat locker. I got big dreams, trouble is they’re bigger than my locker.

Greg: Speaking of money, Sam, when’s pay day?

Sam: Saturday.

Greg: I can make my first payment on my surfboard.

(Sam hands him another tray of meat to put away. Back home, Bobby is stretching himself some more. Carol watches him as Mike comes to join her.)

Mike: What are you looking at?

Carol: Bobby. You think it’s good for him to stretch himself like that?

Mike: Well, it never hurt Tarzan.

Carol: Think of what it did to Jane.

Mike: Well, honey, he’s not gonna hurt himself.

Carol: He’s at it all the time.

Mike: So.

Carol: Well, if his arms and his legs don’t, he may grow up to look like Cheetah.

(Next, Bobby goes upstairs to measuring himself. He put a mark on the bathroom door. He gets disappointed that he hasn’t grown yet.)

Bobby: Nothing, still the same size.

(Marcia opens the bathroom door.)

Marcia: Bobby, you gotta give yourself a little time.

Bobby: I guess I better stretch some more.

(He goes outside to continue stretching. The girls all look at him with pity.)

Marcia: Poor Bobby, he keeps measuring himself all the time.

Cindy: And he gets grumpier and grumpier.

Jan: No wonder, he’s trying so hard to get tall.

Marcia: If he would just grow a little, even half an inch would encourage him.

(Bobby goes upstairs to measure himself again. He finds he grew a little bit and gets excited. He goes downstairs to stretch some more and finds he grew even more. He stretches and measures himself once again and finds he grew even more.)

Bobby: Oh, wow. (He runs downstairs) it worked! Stretching myself really worked! I grew an inch and a half!

Mike: How much?

Bobby: A whole inch and a half.

Carol (laughing): Honey, maybe you grow, but I don’t think an inch and a half.

Mike (laughing0: Not since yesterday.

Bobby: But I measured myself three times. It’s half an inch plus one whole inch.

Cindy: No, it’s only half an inch.

Bobby: How do you know it’s only half an inch?

Cindy: Well.

Mike: Yeah, how do you know, Cindy?

Cindy: I made the mark half an inch lower so that Bobby would think he grew.

Mike (sternly): Cindy.

Cindy: I’m sorry.

Bobby: Well, that’s okay. I still grew an inch.

Jan: No, only half an inch.

Carol: You did the same thing too?

(Jan nods yes.)

Bobby: Well, a half inch isn’t bad.

Marcia (sheepishly): Bobby.

(He realizes he hadn’t grown at all.)

Carol: Oh, no.

Marcia: I guess we should have checked with each other.

Bobby (upset): it’s the dirtiest trick I ever heard of.

(He runs back up the stairs.)

Mike: Bobby. (He stops) They weren’t trying to trick you. I don’t hink what they did was right.

Carol: They were only trying to help.

Bobby (almost in tears): They did it because they know it’s true!

Carol: Know what’s true?

Bobby: I’m a shrimpo, a pee-wee. I’ll never grow another inch as long as I’ll live.

(Bobby runs up to his room as the scene fades.)

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(The next scene has Alice leaving to go to the supermarket.)

Alice: Anything you want form the market, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: Oh, did I leave something off the list?

Alice: No, I just thought I’d do something a little special for Bobby. Sometimes you can help a sad little heart with a happy little tummy.

Carol: Aw, that’s very sweet of you, Alice. What are you going to fix him?

Alice: His favorite dessert. Strawberry tallcake.

Carol: Strawberry tallcake?

Alice: Mrs. Brady, from now on, I’m not using the word anymore.

(She leaves and Bobby runs inside.)

Carol: Hi, Bobby. Hey, wait a minute, your clothes. (He turns around and she notices he has a black eye) Bobby, your eye, what in the world happened?

Bobby: I got in a fight with Tommy Huxley.

Carol (annoyed): Tommy Huxley? He’s twice as big as you. Why doesn’t he pick on somebody his own size.

Bobby: Well (Pause) I picked on him.

Carol: You started the fight? Why?

Bobby: He was acting like a big shot.

Carol: Oh, and you weren’t by any chance feeling like a little shot, were you?

Bobby: I am a little shot, that’s all I’ll ever be.

Carol: Bobby, listen, you’ve heard about Napoleon Bonaparte, haven’t you?

Bobby: yeah, he’s that funny guy who always walks around with his hand on his stomach.

(He tries to emulate Bonaparte.)

Carol: He was also a little guy. And he went around trying to prove how big he was by fighting everybody.

Bobby: Did he win?

Carol: Nope. just like you, he got clobbered. So I really don’t think fighting is the answer, do you, Bob?

Bobby: Not if you lose.

Carol: Some of the greatest men in the world were small men who didn’t fight.

Bobby: What did they do?

Carol: They used their brains, not their muscles. (She puts her finger on his head) Brain power. (She gets up) I’ll get some more water.

Bobby (to himself): Brain power, huh.

(The next scene has Bobby coming home on his bike from the library, where he got a bunch of books to give him brain power. peter is playing basketball and notices him.)

Peter: Want to shoot some baskets?

Bobby: I can’t.

Peter: What are all those big books for?

Bobby: To read.

Peter: I know that, dumbhead, where did you get them?

Bobby: At the library. I’m on my way to brain power.

(He points to his head.)

Peter: Brain power? What do you mean?

Bobby: If you had any, you’d know.

(Later on, Bobby is reading some of his books in the family room, while Marcia and Jan are sitting on the couch cutting things out of newspapers.)

Bobby (turning around): Jan, Marcia, you both like to watch TV?

Marcia: Mmm Hmm.

Bobby: Bet you don’t even know how it works.

Jan: Bobby.

Bobby: Television is an electronic system of transmitted images overwire by converting light and sound into electrical waves.

Marcia (sarcastically): You really took a load off my mind.

(Bobby turns some pages in the book, them turns around at her with a hurt look. Next, Greg is showing Mike his new surfboard as he waxes it.)

Greg: Well, Dad, how do you like it?

Mike: Well, I don’t know much about surfboards but it looks great.

(Bobby runs up to them with another trivial question.)

Bobby: I bet you don’t know what the fourth longest river in the world is.

Mike: No, what is the fourth longest river in the world?

Bobby: The Ob in Siberia. It’s 3,200 miles long.

Mike: Well, that’s very interesting.

Greg: Like I was saying, Dad, there’s nothing like surfing in the whole world. First, you take off on a big, thick swell and, once you get it, you crank on a bottom turn and you get out on the nose.

Mike (laughing) That sounds exciting.

Bobby: Hey, Greg, I bet you don’t know…

Greg (looking at his watch): Wow, I’m gonna be late for work. I got to get down to Sam’s quick. I’ll clean that up when I get back.

(He starts to take off.)

Mike: Gosh, I got to go too. Bye, Bob.

(Mike takes off as well. Bobby I left there looking depressed. He goes into the kitchen where Alice is cooking.)

Alice: Hey, I thought you’ve gone with your Mom and the rest of the kids to get new shoes.

Bobby: I don’t need new shoes. Not even my feet are growing bigger.

Alice: Hey, Bobby, do you have any more of those terrific brain power questions.

Bobby (bitterly): No.

Alice: Well, you sure had some real hard ones.

Bobby: Big deal. Knowing a lot is great, but it sure isn’t very fun.

Alice: You know, Bobby, it could be that you’re working too hard on one thing.

Bobby: What do you mean?

Alice: Well, you need a balance. It’s like a recipe. You gotta have the right amount of each ingredient for it to come out right.

Bobby: And I’ve been putting in too much brain power?

Alice: Exactly. (She picks up her recipe to read it) and speaking of recipes, there’s something wrong with my brain power. I forgot to get sausage for my special meat loaf tonight. I’d better call Greg to bring home 2 pounds of sausage.

Bobby: I can do it for you, Alice.

Alice: No thanks, honey, it’s easier for Greg to do it.

Bobby (upset): You probably think I’m too little to go down there by myself.

(Alice dials the phone but stops and hangs up.)

Alice: On second thought, since I’m going out tonight, the sooner I get my sausage, the sooner I’ll get my Sam. Okay, go Bobby.

Bobby: Great. I’ll get back real fast.

(He races to go down to the butcher shop, where Sam is giving Greg deliveries.)

Sam: And porterhouse and the veal go to Mrs. Stevens, at 231 Elm. Got that?

Greg: Got it. Anything else?

Sam: Yeah, don’t get lost. I’m closing the shop at 6:00 sharp tonight. I’m taking Alice to the destruction derby. Last time we almost got destroyed trying to find seats.

Greg: Sam, if you want to get an early start, I can close up.

Sam: Switch? Hey, that’s a good idea. I can make your deliveries on the way home. Real smart, and you close up. You think you can handle it?

Greg: Easy. I take any phone orders that come in. I put the meat in the locker so I can clean the counter. Turn the lights out, and lock the door at 6.

(Sam laughs.)

Sam: And, remember what I told you about that meat locker.

Greg: Right. And thanks again for the advance, Sam. Someday I’ll let you ride my surfboard.

Sam: No thanks, I get seasick taking a bath.

(Next, Bobby is down at the butcher shop, just as Greg is closing up.)

Greg: Hi, Bobby. What are you doing here?

Bobby: Alice needs two pounds of sausage.

Greg: Okay, I put all the meat away, I’ll have to get it out of the locker.

(Greg goes in the locker to get the sausage. Bobby follows him in and shuts the door. Greg gets angry.)

Greg: What did you do that for?

Bobby: Do what?

Greg: Close the door. It doesn’t have a two way lock.

Bobby: I didn’t want to let the cold out.

Greg (upset): Bobby, Sam’s got a rule this door’s supposed to be open when anybody’s in here.

Bobby: You mean we’re locked in. (They try forcing the door open) Push. It’s no use, we can’t get out.

(Next, Greg tries to find a way to get them out.)

Bobby: It’s freezing.

Greg: Look, it’s not freezing. it’s not that cold in here. If you want to keep warm, exercise.

(Bobby starts to do jumping jacks.)

Bobby: It must be 10 below in here.

Greg: It’s 10 below in your head. Bobby, I said exercise, not jump around like you had ants in your pants.

Bobby: The air.

Greg: What air?

Bobby: We’ll be breathing it all up pretty soon. We’ll suffocate, I can feel it already.

Greg: Quit pretending like this is a submarine movie. Just sit down and relax. (He finds an ax) Look! Maybe we can open the door with this. (They run over to the door) Stand back, stand back.

(He strikes the doorknob with the ax, but breaks it.)

Bobby: Great.

Greg: Don’t worry, I’ve got another idea.

Bobby: What are you gonna do?

Greg: Just watch. (He tries to use the ax to open the door form the inside) Help me. Come on, push.

(They try to open the door but the ax breaks and the top is stuck in the door. Next, he takes the bottom of the ax to break the glass on the door window.)

Greg: Stand back, Bobby, this is our last chance. (Greg successfully breaks the glass and leaves the window open Bring over those boxes.

(Bobby takes some boxes in the corner for Greg to stand up to get loose.  Greg puts his smock under the glassless window, and attempts to climb through.)

Greg: If I could just crawl through and open the door. (He tries to get through but there’s not enough room) It’s no use, I’m too big. It’s up to you to save us, Bobby.

Bobby: I sure hope I’m small enough. Gee, I never thought I’d ever wish I was little.

(Bobby climbs up to get through the window while Greg holds on to his feet.)

Greg: Easy does it. I got your feet. Be careful. Go on.

(Bobby slides through and makes it to the outside.)

Bobby: I made it.

Greg: Okay, open the door. (Bobby tries opening the door but can’t) Come on, Bobby.

Bobby: You broke it when you hit it with the ax.

Greg: Call Sam, quick. He’s over at our house picking up Alice.

(Bobby rushes over to the payphone but realizes he doesn’t have the money to make the call.)

Bobby: I don’t have a dime.

Greg; Wait a minute.

(He takes a dime from his pocket and throws it to Bobby.)

Bobby: Boy, that’s an awfully cold dime.

Greg: You think the dime is cold,  how do you think I feel.

(Bobby calls the house.)

Bobby: Hey Greg, you oughtta keep your head sticking out, it’s nice and warm out here.

(Greg frowns at the suggestion. We next have Mike, Sam, Carol and Alice down there.)

Mike: We’ll have you out in a second son.

Greg: I’m okay. Sam, your meat locker works great.

Carol: Oh, Greg, how do you feel?

Greg: Fine.

(Mike and Sam open the door with a crowbar and free Greg.)

Carol: Oh, thank goodness. You okay?

Mike: Oh, I think he’s all right, honey.

Carol: We better get you home into a hot tub.

Alice: I had to go and forget sausage.

Sam: That settles it. No matter how much it costs. I’m modernizing that meat locker.

Greg: It was our own fault, Sam.  (He turns to Bobby) Thanks, Bobby, you saved my life.

(He puts his arm around him.)

Bobby: Remember, you saved mine. Now we’re even. (to the parents) Boy, am I glad i’m little.

Greg: So am I, pal. So am I.

(The scene fades.)

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(The final scene has Bobby and Greg playing with Greg’s new surfboard. Bobby is on top of it.)

Greg: Okay, Bobby, now you got your big, thick swell.

Bobby: Right.

Greg: Okay, crank on the bottom turn, get out on the front of the board. Yeah, yeah, that’s good.

Bobby: Now, what do I do?

Greg: You’re locked in. There’s this huge wall of water hanging right over your head. Look out, Bobby, it’s a wipeout. Here comes a wave.

(Peter comes with a large bucket of water and pours it on Greg as Bobby ducks. Peter laughs as an angry Greg takes the bucket and puts it over his head. Greg and Bobby laugh until Peter puts it over Bobby’s turn and he laughs.)

                                                                   THE END

S3 E14 The Teeter-Totter Caper

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The Teeter-Totter Caper

Written by Joel Kane and Jack Lloyd

Bobby and Cindy set a teeter-totter record to prove that kids their age are as important as people older. I hope you enjoy the script.












(The episode begins with Carol and Alice in the kitchen. Carol is happy about a relative’s upcoming wedding.)

Carol: Isn’t it marvelous, Alice. My cousin Gertrude is finally getting married.

Alice: For her, it’s marvelous. For me, it would be miraculous.

(Mike comes in.)

Mike: Hi, everybody.

Carol: Hi, honey. (She and Mike kiss.) Well, Gertrude is gonna get married.

Mike (surprised): Gertrude, your cousin Gertrude?

Carol: The one and only.

Mike: Get the chair, I may faint.

Carol: Oh, Mike. The invitations are a week from Sunday night.

Mike: Hmm.

(Bobby and Cindy come in.)

Cindy: Gee, a wedding. Do I get all dressed up?

Bobby: Do I have to wear a dumb old tie?

Carol: I’m sorry, kids, but the invitation is just for the grown-ups.

Cindy: Not us kids?

Carol: Well, Marcia and Greg are going, but they’re older. And, uh, Jan and Peter are going too.

Bobby: What about us?

Mike (reading the invitation): Well, there’s a wedding reception afterwards and I think Gertrude thinks you’re too young to stay up that late.

Carol: Besides, weddings aren’t all that interesting.

Mike: You’ll have a much better time at home.

Alice: Sure, the three of us will watch TV, play games and have lots of fun.

Bobby (weakly): Yeah, lotta fun.

(He and Cindy go outside. Next, Greg and Peter are upstairs fixing Marcia’s radio.)

Peter: You think you can fix it?

Greg: Easy.

Bobby (coming in the door): What are you doing?

Peter: We’re fixing Marcia’s radio.

Bobby: Can I hep?

Greg: This is kind of tricky.

Peter: Yeah, it’s too technical for little kids.

Bobby: I can hand you tools and things.

Greg: Maybe some other time, Bobby.

(Bobby walks away in a hurt mood. Meanwhile, Marcia and Jan are painting a chair and refuse to allow Cindy to help.)

Marcia: No, Cindy, It’s too hard for you.

Cindy; Why can’t I help? The chair goes in my room too.

Jan: Look, Cindy, this isn’t a game. If you mess up the paint, we’ll have to do it all over again.

(Cindy walks out just as hurt. She goes in the backyard and sits on a swing. Bobby comes outside and sits on the teeter-totter. Cindy joins him.)

Bobby: Greg and Peter won’t even let me help fix a dumb old radio, it’s too tricky.

Cindy: I can’t even help paint a chair.

Bobby: We’re not even important enough to go to a wedding.

Cindy: Why can’t us little kids think we’re important, too.

Bobby: Hey, that gives me an idea, Cindy.

Cindy: What?

Bobby: We can do something important, that’ll show them.

Cindy: Like what?

Bobby: Like (Pause) I don’t know, but I’ll think of something.

Cindy: Yeah!

Bobby: Something really, really important.

(The scene fades.)

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(The next scene has them on the swing set discussing options.)

Bobby: Boy, I know something that could  make us really important.

Cindy: What?

Bobby: But we can’t do it.

Cindy: Maybe we could. tell me.

Bobby: Well, wouldn’t it be great if we could stow away on a spaceship?

Cindy; A spaceship, wow!

Bobby: We’d be the first little kids on the moon.

Cindy: But even if we could, Mom and Dad wouldn’t let us.

Bobby: Yeah. they probably wouldn’t let us climb the Alps, either.

Cindy: Well, let’s think of something else.

Bobby: I’m tired of thinking. And it’s almost time for Cartoon King on television.

(They get up and go inside. They turn the television on.)

Bobby: I thought of something else important we can do.

Cindy: What?

Bobby: Well, wouldn’t it be great if we could go to New York and climb to the top of the Empire State Building?

Cindy: I bet lots of people climb to the top of the Empire State Building.

Bobby: Not on the outside.

(Marcia and Jan ask Alice for help with their dresses to wear to the wedding.)

Marcia: Alice, could you please raise the hem an inch? I want to wear it to the wedding.

Alice: Hmm, okay, sure.

Jan: Isn’t it romantic? Cousin Gertrude’s getting married after all these years. I wonder if I’ll ever get married.

Alice (sarcastically): Well I’d certainly start worrying about that if I were you. I mean, here you are, almost 13 and over the hill.

(Back to the family room, Bobby and Cindy are watching television.)

Cindy (to Bobby): Cartoon King comes on next.

(The announcer states that two college kids broke the teeter-totter record at 124 hours without stopping. This gives Bobby an idea.)

Bobby: Did you hear that?

Cindy: What if we set a new record.

Bobby: Yeah, we’ll start tomorrow morning.

(The next day, Alice is in the kitchen collecting clothes for laundry and Carol comes by.)

Carol: Well, I’ll see you later, Alice.

Alice: You’re off and running pretty early on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Yeah, I got to get downtown and get Gertrude a wedding present. I sure hope I can get her something different. You know what I mean, Alice?

Alice: Yeah, everyone always gives you the obvious things, like toasters.

Carol (laughing): Yeah, I know what you mean. Mr. Brady and I got 9 of them. We didn’t know whether we were getting married or opening a restaurant.

(Bobby and Cindy rush by them to go outside.)

Alice: Somebody sure is in a hurry this morning.

Cindy: We got to get started early.

Bobby: We’re gonna set a new teeter-totter record. Okay Mom?

Carol: Sure kids, have fun Bye.

(They run outside.)

Carol: Well, I better get going. I hope I can find something, Alice. You know, she isn’t the easiest person in the world to buy for.

Alice: Well, she already has the best gift for a wedding, a man.

Carol: Well, I’ll see you later.

(Mike is getting into his car to go for work as the Bobby and Cindy are about to set their record.)

Cindy: Hi, Dad.

Bobby: Hi.

Mike: Hi, kids.

Bobby: Guess what we’re gonna do.

Mike: When I get home, Bob. I’m late for an appointment.

Bobby: We’re gonna set a new teeter-totter record.

Mike: Oh.

Cindy: Mom said we could.

Mike: Well, good for you. Have fun, kids.

Bobby and Cindy: Bye.

Mike: Bye.

(He drives off.)

Bobby (to Cindy): It will take a long time to set the record. Are your muscles in good shape?

Cindy: I guess so, are yours?

Bobby: Sure. Feel this.

(Cindy feels his arm.)

Cindy: I don’t feel anything.

Bobby: Maybe it’s in the other arm.

(They start to get ready and Alice comes outside.)

Bobby: Hey, Alice, you got a watch?

Alice: Yeah.

Bobby: Tell us exactly what time it is when we start.

Alice: Start?

Cindy: For the new teeter totter record.

Bobby: It has to be official.

Alice: Ah hah, okay, official, right. (She looks at her watch) Al right, let’s see, it’s 3 minutes after 8 and go.

(They start going up and down on the teeter totter while Alice hangs up some wash.)

Bobby; Hey, Alice, what time is it now?

Alice: It’s 3 minutes and 20 seconds after 8.

Cindy; Gee, that’s 20 seconds already.

Bobby: Yeah, we only have to do this about a million more times.

(Meanwhile, Marcia and Jan are up in their room trying on their dresses for the wedding.)

Marcia: Jan, could you zip me up?

Jan: Sure. (She zips the back of Marcia’s dress) Do you think my dress is short enough now?

Jan: Sure, it looks fine.

Marcia: Are you sure?

Jan: Yeah.

(They look at themselves in the mirror, but find it’s not big enough for both of them. They keep trying to get in front of each other.)

Marcia: I’m trying to look at myself.

Jan: Well so am I.

(They laugh and there’s a knock on the door.)

Jan: Come in.

(Greg an Peter come in.)

Greg: Here’s your radio.

Peter: We did it.

Marcia: Thanks. What was wrong with it?

Greg: Your variable tuner was out of whack.

Jan (impressed): And you fixed it?

Peter: Nothing to it.

Greg: Nothing to it for him. I fixed it.

Marcia: Thanks, Greg.

Greg: That’s okay. (He notices their attire) What are you girls all dressed up for?

Jan: It’s for the wedding.

Greg: It’s next week.

Marcia: Why wait till the last minute.

Peter: Hey, if they’re gonna wear junk like that, we’re gonna have to get all dressed up, too.

Marcia: Why, sure. It’s a wedding, It’s the most romantic thing that can happen in a girl’s life.

Greg: What about the poor guy?

(He and Peter laugh.)

Jan: Don’t you wanna get married?

Greg (still laughing): Sure, when I got nothing else to live for.

Jan: I mean don’t you want a home and children?

Peter: We already got a home, and a whole bunch of children.

(They walk out of the room still laughing. Marcia and Jan look at each other in disgust.)

(The next scene has Carol coming home while Alice fixes lunch for Bobby and Cindy.)

Carol: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Well, I guess I got the perfect gift for Gertrude. Something I’m sure no one else would ever think of.

Alice: Oh, what’s that?

Carol: A silver frog.

Alice: Oh, a silver frog. Well, there’s a million to one shot she won’t even get a green one.

Carol (laughing): Oh, Alice. A frog for flowers. (She takes it out of the box and opens it) See, this part (the top) is the frog, and this (the bottom) you can use for nuts, candy or anything.

Alice: That’s pretty neat.

Carol: Flowers, isn’t it great? Hey, is someone going on a picnic?

Alice: Oh, no, this is a little something for Mr. Teeter and Ms. Totter.

Carol: Mr. Teeter and Ms. Totter?

Alice (looking toward the door): They’re out to set a world record, remember?

Carol: Don’t tell me they’re still on that thing.

Alice: Since three minutes after 8.

Carol: I didn’t think they were serious.

Alice: Ooh, they couldn’t be seriouser.

(Bobby and Cindy are outside still on the teeter-totter.)

Bobby: Are you getting tired, Cindy?

Cindy: No, not much. Are you getting tired?

Bobby: No, we’re getting closer to that million times.

(Alice and Carol come out with the food.)

Carol: Okay, kids, lunch break.

Bobby: We can’t stop, Mom.

Carol: Well, you have to have a sandwich.

Cindy: We’re on the record, we got to keep going.

Bobby: You said we could set a record.

Cindy: That’s what she said this morning.

Carol (to Alice): I really said that, huh?

Alice: Before you went out to buy the frog.

(They bring the sandwiches and two glasses of milk over to the kids.)

Carol: Well, you have to eat something anyway.

Alice: I bet they could do both.

Carol: But you have to promise me one thing, kds. That you’ll both stop when you get tired, okay.

Cindy: Okay, Mom.

Bobby: We promise. We’re really gonna break the old record.

Carol: Good luck, kids.

(They go back toward the house.)

Carol: By the way, Alice, what is the old teeter-totter record anyway?

Alice: 124 hours.

Carol (astonished): 124 hours?

(She nods her encouragement to the kids nevertheless. They continue with the record as the scene fades.)

untitled teeter totter

(The next scene has Alice in the kitchen making out a grocery list. She turns on the radio and an Italian chef comes on with a new recipe on how to make spaghetti and meatballs.)

Alice: Great, I’ll have that for dinner.

(She starts to get everything ready and take out all the ingredients, while repeating what the chef says.)

Cindy (calling): Alice, Alice, can you come out here?

Alice: Uh, i’m busy, Cindy.

Cindy: My record is in danger.

Alice: Okay, honey, I’m coming.

(She turns the radio off and goes outside. Mike comes home and Alice is Cindy’s spot while she went to relieve herself.)

Alice: You know, Bobby, i don’t think we’re quite even. I think I have a little more balance on my side.

Bobby: What’s balance?

Alice: It’s a fancy word I use, because I don’t like to cal it flab.

(Mike gets out of the car and heads inside the house.)

Bobby: Hi, Dad.

Alice: Hi, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Hi.

(He notices Alice sitting in Cindy’s place.)

Bobby: Alice is helping us with our teeter-totter record.

Alice: In the teeter-totter game, I am what is known as a sit-in.

Mike: Sit-in?

Cindy (returning): Hi, Dad, thanks, Alice.

Alice: Yeah, you see, I officially sit in for all the contestants for whenever they have to do whatever it is they have to do.

Cindy: She means when we have to go to the bathroom.

Mike: I can see you’re a friend in time of need, Alice. (to the kids) You kids are really serious about this, aren’t you.

Bobby: Yeah, we’ve been going at it since 3 minutes after 8 this morning.

Cindy: We’re really gonna set a new teeter-totter record.

Mike: Well, I certainly hope so. (He and Alice go inside) What’s for dinner, Alice? I’m starving.

Alice: Well, it depends. What day is it?

(Mike comes in the house and sees Carol looking outside the window. He goes to kiss Carol.)

Mike: Hi, honey.

Carol: Oh, hi, dear. Would you believe those two have been on that…

Mike: Teeter-totter.

Carol: Teeter-totter since early this morning?

Mike: Yeah, since 3 minutes after 8 to be official.

Carol: Well, you think we ought to let them keep going?

Mike: Oh, sure, why not? It’s no worse than if they spent a day playing in the park. Anyway, you know kids. 1 minute they want to do one thing and the next minute they want to do soetihng else.

Carol: Well, they certainly had their minds made up about this.

Mike: Yeah, it’s their minds that may be iron clad, but it’s the other end that’s gonna make them quit.

(Next, Greg, Peter and Marcia are outside watching them try to break the record.)

Marcia: Aren’t you getting tired?

Cindy: Well, somebody is.

Peter: Why don’t you quit, I think it’s dumb.

Bobby: We’re setting a record. That’s important.

Greg: Right. (to Marcia) Put an umbrella over them when the rainy season starts.

(Bobby glares at the remark.)

Peter: Hey, I got a great idea. We can hitch up a drill at the teeter-totter, and you can be an oil well.

(Cindy frowns at them this time.)

Bobby: Go ahead and laugh, we’ll show you.

Cindy: Yeah, we’ll show you.

(Meanwhile, Jan is in the kitchen helping Carol and Alice with dinner.)

Jan: Wait till they find out we’re having spaghetti and meatballs. That’ll get them in here.

(Two men from the newspaper come by and visit.)

Greg (to the kids): And next week you’re gonna go for the pogo stick contest.

(Marcia and Peter laugh. The men approach the kids.)

Winters: Hi there. Is this the Brady house?

Greg: Yes it is. Can I help you?

Winters: My name is Winters. Daily Chronicle.

Bobby; Hi, I’m Bobby Brady.

Cindy: And I’m Cindy Brady.

Winters: Oh, you’re just who I’m looking for. Your Mom and Dad around?

Greg: Yeah, they’re inside. What’s this all about, Mr. Winters?

Winters: Just covering a little news story son.

Marcia (excited): Cindy and Bobby are news?

Winters: Sure, they’re out to set a world’s record. Would one of you mind calling your mother and father?

Greg: Yeah, Peter, go get them.

(Peter runs into the house.)

Winters; How long have you kids been at it?

Bobby: Since three minutes after 8 this morning.

Winters (looking at his watch): Well, that’s a pretty good start.

(Mike comes into the kitchen and inspects the dinner.)

Mike: Mmm, a smell like that could drive a man mad.

Carol: Well, I may just have a little behind my ears.

Peter (running inside): Mom, Dad, come on out. There’s some guys out here from the newspaper. They’re taking pictures, and everything.

(Carol, Mike, Jan and Alice go outside while the photographer is taking pictures of the kids.)

Cindy: Look, one hand.

Bobby: Look, no hands.

Winters: Better be careful, young man. This is a pretty big ambition setting a world’s record.

Bobby: We can do it.

Winters: You think you can do this, young lady?

Cindy: Well, if Bobby does it, I do it. We go up and down together.

(Jan and the adults come out.)

Winters: Mr. and Mars. Brady?

Carol: Yeah.

Winters: I’m Mark Winters from the Daily Chronicle.

Carol: Hello.

Winters: I hope you don’t mind if us taking a few pictures of the children.

Mike: You mean this is news?

Winters: Sure. Great human interest.

Peter: We have a lot of great human interest around here. My brother and I just fixed our sister’s radio.

Winters: That’s fine, son, but one story at a time.

(The photographer takes a picture of the family.)

Winters: I’m sure you’re very proud of the two kids, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Well, to tell you the truth…

Winters (writing down): Mother, very proud.

(Carol laughs.)

Winters: I guess you’re a little concerned too.

Carol: Well, my husband and I at first we thought that…

Winters (writing again): Mother, whole family, concerned.

Carol: Mr. Winters.

Winters: I know just how you feel.

Carol: You do?

Winters: Thanks a lot, folks. (to Bobby and Cindy) Good-bye, kids. Good luck.

(He and the photographer start to leave.)

Carol: Uh, Mr. Winters, would you mind telling me how you found out about his?

Winters: We got a phone call down at the station. First thing this morning.

Carol: Thanks.

(Winter leaves with the photographer.)

(The family goes over to join the kids. They all sound excited.)

Mike: I wonder who called the paper this morning.

Bobby: We did. We figured the people ought to know about it.

Cindy: Yeah. (she folds her arms) Even us little kids can do something important.

Mike: Important?

Carol: So that’s what this is all about.

(Alice comes out and calls the family to donner.)

Alice: Spaghetti and meatballs is ready. Salsa squisita ala Alice.

(The family comes inside for dinner.)

Peter: Boy, you guys are missing something good. Spaghetti and meatballs.

Carol: They’re not missing a thing. I’m gonna fix them something special too.

Peter: How come they get that kind of service?

Carol (sternly): Because they’re setting a record, and we don’t wanna spoil it, do we.

(She pulls him and they go into the house.)

Bobby: Thanks, Mom.

Cindy: Thanks.

(Inside, at the dinner table, the family is discussing the matter.)

Greg: Dad, why is setting the record such a big deal to them?

Mike: Well, I guess Cindy said it best. Little kids can do something important.

Carol: Yeah, and sometimes, we tend to forget that. You know, kids want to be part of things, too. Well, I’m afraid sometimes we give them the brushoff.

Peter: Like, maybe trying to help fix the radio.

Jan: Or like that time we painted the chair.

(Carol nods.)

Greg: Well, I guess we all understand now.

(Alice comes out with more food.)

Alice: You gotta admit, Bobby and Cindy really made their point.

Mike: Yeah, but I’m afraid no matter how hard they try to break that record, one thing is bound to stop them.

(Later on, Bobby and Cindy are yawning as they are getting extremely tired. Carol and Alice come out with sweaters. they put them on the kids and Carol kisses Cindy.)

(Even later, Mike and Carol are outside watching them as Bobby and Cindy get even tireder.)

Mike (to Carol): It’s just about over, honey.

Carol: They sure are giving it everything they got.

(Bobby starts to fall asleep and Cindy notices.)

Cindy: Bobby, wake up, Bobby.

Bobby: Who’s sleeping?  Maybe you better take a nap, and I’ll take one later.

Cindy: Okay.

(She goes to sleep and in a matter of time, Bobby falls asleep. Carol and Mike get up and bring them upstairs to bed. The next day, Mike, Carol, Peter and Jan read about them in the paper.)

Peter: Boy, they really got in the paper.

Carol: Well, that’s what they wanted.

Jan: Read it, Dad.

Mike (reading): It said Bobby and Cindy Brady set out yesterday to break the world’s teeter-totter record. They began their assault on the record at 8:03 in the morning, and as of the exclusive taking of these exclusive photographs, the two have been teetering and/or tottering for several hours. The current record set by Ralph Nelson, 19 and Alan Rudolph, 20, were slightly over 124 hours. The young Bradys feel with their serious effort, the record is within their grasp.

(Bobby and Cindy come down the stairs. They are annoyed that the parents didn’t let them continue.)

Bobby: How come you let us fall asleep last night?

Cindy: You could’ve woken us up.

Mike: Before you get too upset, take a look at this morning’s paper.

Carol: I think you might like what you see.

Cindy (excited): That’s us!

Bobby: Wow, you’re famous!

Carol: You know, we’re really proud of you two.

Bobby: Thanks, but we didn’t set a record.

Mike: Now, wait a minute, maybe you did. How old were those guys you saw on television?

Bobby: Real old, like in college.

Mike: What’s the record for kids your age.

Cindy: I don’t think there is one.

Mike: There you are, you set a record.

Bobby: Yeah, we really did!

Carol: I hereby proclaim Cindy and Bobby Brady,  junior teeter-totter champions of the world.

(They flex their muscles and give a cheer sign while Peter and Jan cheer as well. The phone rings and Carol answers.)

Carol: Hello. Oh, hello, Gertrude. Oh yes, we’re looking at it right now. Yes, they’re very excited. Hold on a minute, and I’ll see. ((she gets off the phone to speak to Bobby and Cindy) Cousin Gertrude would like to know if you two celebrities want to come to the wedding.

Bobby: Who wants to go to a dumb old wedding?

Cindy: I sure don’t.

Carol: Sorry Gertrude, but our two celebrities are all booked up. Thanks, bye.

(She hangs the phone up.)

Cindy: Come on, Bobby, let’s try to break some other kind of record.

Bobby: Yeah, come on.

(They get up and leave.)

Jan (confused): I thought they wanted to go to the wedding.

Mike: Not really, but, it’s always nice to be asked.

Peter: Come on, Jan.

Jan: Where?

Peter: Why don’t we break a record too. We can’t let two little kids beat us out.

(They get up as well.)

Mike: I don’t think we can stand more than two world’s records in one week.

Carol: What do you mean two?

Mike: Well, there’s a teeter-totter record.

Carol: And.

Mike: Gertrude. Anyone who spent 25 years shopping for a husband, that’s gotta be one world record.

Alice (coming form the den): Hold it, folks. That’s not a record yet. I’m still in competition.

(Mike and Carol laugh and hug each other as the scene fades away.)

untitled reporter

(The final scene has Mike, Carol, Marcia, Greg, Jan and Peter coming home from the wedding and Alice sitting on the couch waiting up.)

Alice: How was the wedding?

Carol: Oh, Alice, it was simply beautiful.

Mike: It just goes to prove that somewhere, sometime, there’s a mate for anybody.

Alice: That’s good to know.

Mike: Alice, you wouldn’t believe it, Fat, bald, wrinkled, thin scraggly mustache. You should’ve seen the groom.

(He walks away with Carol scolding him. Next, Greg and Peter are playing catch with the football in the backyard.)

Greg: That’s pretty good.

(Peter throws Greg another toss.)

Greg: That’s better Pete but grip it on the laces.

(Marcia and Jan are walking home talking about the wedding. Jan catches the ball, which Greg obviously missed.)

Marcia: I thought Cousin Gertrude’s wedding was so romantic.

Jan: Yeah, it was just like in the movies with all those flowers and everything. I never seen so many flowers.

Marcia: And did you see that veil and gown? They were perfect for her.

Peter: Still talking about that dumb wedding.

Jan: It wasn’t dumb.

Marcia: It was beautiful.

(Peter takes the ball back from Jan.)

Greg (sarcastically): It was beautiful. (He mimics the preacher’s voice to Peter) Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

Peter (imitating the groom): Yes, sir, I do.

Greg (again sounding like the preacher): And do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

Peter (imitating Gertrude): Oh, yes sir, I take this man for my husband.

Greg (again in imitation): You may now kiss the bride.

Peter (again sounding like Gertrude): Here, in front of everybody?

(The guys laugh and walk away.)

Jan: Very funny.

Marcia: Boys, who needs them?

Jan: Yeah, who needs them?

Marcia (laughing): I guess we do if we ever get married.

images play catch

                    THE END

S3 E13 The Not-So-Rose-Colored Glasses

The Not-So-Rose-Colored Glasses

Written by Bruce Howard

untitled jan's bike

Jan learns she needs to wear glasses. Meanwhile, Mike and Carol celebrate their wedding anniversary. Hope you enjoy the script.











MR. GAYLORD, photographer

(The episode begins with Jan riding home on her bicycle. Meanwhile, Mike devises a scheme to have a picture of the kids taken as his anniversary gift to Carol. He has Alice feign a toothache so Carol will drive her to the dentist.)

Mike: Hey, Alice, are you all set?

Alice: Oh yes, Mr. Brady. Don’t worry about a thing. I got it all worked out.

Mike: How are you gonna do it?

Alice: Old fashioned toothache. (she shows him a preview of her having a splitting tooth) When Mrs. Brady takes me to the dentist, you take the kids to the photographers.

Mike: Hey, I hope it works. It’s kind of hard to put anything over on Mrs. Brady.

(Carol comes into the kitchen.)

Carol: Mike.

(Alice pretends she has a toothache.)

Mike: Oh, that’s a shame, Alice.

Carol: What’s a shame? (Alice pretends she’s in pain) What’s the matter?

Mike: Alice has a terrible toothache.

Alice: Well, it’s beginning to swell. I really ought to get to a dentist.

Carol: Well, of course.

Alice: Well, I wouldn’t dream of letting you drive me, Mrs. Brady. I can take a bus. I only have to transfer three times.

Carol: Don’t be ridiculous, Alice. I’m driving you and no arguments.

Alice: Thanks a lot.

(Carol and Mike give each other funny looks.)

Mike: Poor Alice.

(They get a phone call. Mike answers.)

Mike: Hello. Mr. Brenner? Oh, from the playground, what can I do for you? Jan, what about her?

Carol: Is Jan all right?

(Mike nods.)

Mike: Are you sure? Well, I doubt it, but I will look right into it, Mr. Brenner. Yeah, thanks for calling.

(He hangs up.)

Carol: What is it, Mike?

Mike: Mr. Brenner said that Jan left the playground and she took some girl’s bike.

Carol: Took some girl’s bike? That’s silly, Jan has her own bike.

Mike: He also says he has an eyewitness that says she stole it.

Carol: Stole it? Well, I don’t believe it.

(Jan comes home and parks the bike. Mike and Carol go outside to confront her.)

Mike: Let’s see what this is all about.

(The scene fades.)

untitled glasses

(The next scene picks up from the last, with Jan coming into the house. She sees Mike and Carol.)

Jan: Hi.

Mike: Jan, we just got a call from Mr. Brenner.

Jan: What about?

Carol: he said you took someone else’s bike from the playground.

Jan: Why would I do that? I got my own bike.

Mike (looking it over): Jan, this isn’t your bicycle. Among other things, yours has a dent in it when Bobby ran into it that day.

Jan (shocked): You’re right, this isn’t my bicycle!

Carol: Well, it does look like hers. It’s the same make, same color, everything.

Jan: What a dumb head I am. How could I have taken somebody else’s bicycle? Sorry.

Carol: Oh, honey. We were sure it was just a mistake. (She looks at her watch) Goodness, I got to run. I got to get Alice to the dentist.

(She leaves.)

Jan: I’m sorry about the bike mix-up. I guess I was in such a hurry to get home, I didn’t look close enough.

Mike: Yeah, well you scoot. And get the bike back fast, because we have to have that picture taken before they get back from the dentist, okay.

Jan: Okay, do you think mom suspects anything?

Mike: Well, she suspects one thing.

Jan: What?

Mike: That I’m a husband who forgets wedding anniversaries.

Jan (laughing): I’ll see ya. I’ll hurry.

(Back in the house, Alice is waiting for Carol to bring her to the dentist.)

Mike: Alice, if I hadn’t known better, I’d swear you’d have one swollen jaw. What have you got in there?

(She looks around to make sure Carol is not there. then she lets out a bubble from a piece of bubble gum she is chewing. then Carol comes down the stairs and Alice pretends to still be in pain.)

Carol: Gee, I’m sorry I took so long.

Alice: I certainly appreciate this, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Well, you didn’t think I’d let you go down there… (She notices something) That’s funny, I could have sworn the swelling was on the other side.

Mike (abruptly): You better hurry before it hurts on both sides.

Alice (leaving with Carol): I’m glad it’s not my wisdom teeth, I need all the smarts I can get.

Carol (to Mike): We’ll be back at soon as we can, honey.

Mike: Take all the time you need!

Alice: The way my tooth feels it may take hours, maybe all afternoon.

(They leave. Mike looks up the stairs.)

Mike (calling): Okay, kids!

(They come running down the stairs.)

Peter: How do I look?

(The question is followed by some jibberish and the kids go running to the car.)

(Next, they are down at the photographer studio getting their picture taken by an absent-minded photographer, Gregory Gaylord.)

Gaylord: Smile children.

(The kids all put on their best smiles.)

Mike: That looks pretty good to me, Mr. Gaylord.

Gaylord: Perhaps to an amateur, but not to Gregory Gaylord. Smile choildren.

Mike (to the kids): Let’s have a nice big smile, huh.

Gaylord: That is good. Very good. All right, ready, set, wait. (He realizes he forgot something) Film! I forgot to put in the film. It’s here somewhere. (He finds it.) Here’s the film. Imagine a professional forgetting to put in the film. (He puts the film in the camera) al right, kids.

Mike: Okay, kids, let’s try it again now. Everybody smile.

Gaylord: Oh, this is going to be beautiful, Mr. Brady. All right, ready, set, and (He forgets again) Color. I want color, where’s my color.

Mike: Hang in there, kids. (Gaylord takes out the black and white film) May I help you?

(Gaylord finds the color film.)

Gaylord: Here’s my color. (He puts the color film in the camera) Imagine a professional forgetting his color .

Greg (to the other kids): He’d have a great memory, if he remembered where he kept it.

(The other kids laugh.)

Gaylord: All right, children, let’s have that smile again.

Mike: Jan,  honey, don’t squint, don’t squint.

Jan: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to squint.

Gaylord: Ready now, everybody say…

The kids: Cheese.

Mike: Cheese.

Gaylord (annoyed): Cheese. Say cheese. Ready, set. (All the kids say cheese and he takes the picture) Got it. That was perfect, kids. Now, let’s take some better ones.

(The kids give him annoyed looks. Mike then discusses the arrangement on how to obtain the picture when it’s ready.)

Mike: When do I get the pictures, Mr. Gaylord?

Gaylord: Well, I’ll have the proofs in the morning, make that Tuesday, Wednesday? Whichever comes first. Anyway, with the frame you picked out, it will be ready in 4 or 5 days.

Mike: Oh, well, that’s great. It’s for my anniversary, and that’s a week Saturday.

Gaylord: No problem. I’ll have it framed and delivered to your house.

Mike: No, don’t deliver. Call me when it’s ready and I’ll pick it up. It’s a surprise.

Gaylord: Oh, a surprise. I love surprises.

Mike: Hey kids, come on, We got to hurry and beat your Mom and Alice back to the house.

(The kids all run out to the car.)

Gaylord: Fine looking children, Mr. Brady. How long have you been married?

Mike: 3 years.

(He signs an order form and goes outside to bring the kids home.)

Gaylord (to himself): 3 years, 6 kids. Everything these days. Rush, rush, rush.

(The next scene has Mike coming home from work. He walks in the door and sees Carol sitting in the living room.)

Carol: Hi, honey, how was everything at the office.

Mike: I got to come home a little early today. (He kisses her and notices a letter Carol is reading) What’s that?

Carol: Well, it’s a letter we got today from Jan’s teacher, Mrs. Denthoff.

.Mike: Let me see.

Carol: It says Jan’s grade have been falling off.

Mike (reading the letter): lacking energy and having trouble concentrating. Hmm, it’s not like Jan.

Carol: I know, I can’t understand it.

Mike: She’s always been a good student.

(Next, Mike and Carol are in the den with Jan. they show her the letter.)

Carol: Jan, I’d like you to read this letter. It’s from your teacher, Mrs. Denthoff.

(Jan reads the letter but puts it close to her face. Carol and Mike look at each other.)

Jan: I’m sorry, I’ll try to do better.

Mike: Jan, read it again. this time out loud.

(Jan puts it close to her face again.)

Mike: No, no, no. From here. (distant from her face)

Jan: Dear Mr. and Mrs. Brady. In the post, in the past, several weeks, Jan’s grades…

Mike: That’s enough, Jan.

(He takes the letter back.)

Carol: Honey, where do you sit in Mrs. Denthoff’s class?

Jan: In the back, why?

Mike: Does she write lessons on the blackboard in the front of the class?

Jan: Usually.

Carol: Jan, I think you may need glasses.

Jan (upset): Glasses? Oh, Mom, no, not glasses!

Mike: Certainly you want to have your eyes checked.

Carol: Honey, wearing glasses isn’t anything these days.

Jan: But I’m sure I don’t need glasses!

Mike: But you want to keep failing in school? Making mistakes like taking the wrong bicycle?

Jan: Glasses, wow, I’ll look positively goofy. When Bernie McGuire sees me, he’ll go bananas.

Carol: Bananas. That’s bad, huh?

Jan: It’s the worst.

(A devastated Jan leaves the den. Mike comes home in the next scene and meets Alice in the backyard.)

Alice: Hi, Mr. Brady. Follow me to the garage (She gives him the garbage can she is carrying and shows him something) Mr. Gaylord delivered your anniversary present.

Mike (upset); Oh, no. I simply asked him not to.

Alice: Luckily, when Mrs. Brady was out with Jan, I hid it out here in the garage.

Mike: Hey, hey, thanks, Alice.

Alice: I think it will be safe out here. Mrs. Brady knows it’s your anniversary is coming up, she’s already been snooping in the house. She’s a pretty good snooper.

Mike: Good work, Alice. She’ll never think to look in the garage.

Alice: Wrong. She’s already looked, Mr. Brady. But, there would be no point to snoop in here again. Once she’s already snooped in, she’s snooped out.

Mike: Alice, your talk is a little like your meat loaf. A little bit of everything and all mixed up.

(He laughs and Alice takes back the garbage can. Next, Carol and Jan return from getting her glasses. Cindy and Bobby are in the family room playing with a jigsaw puzzle.)

Bobby: That must be Mom and Jan. They must’ve gotten Jan’s new glasses.

Cindy: I’ll bet she looks funny in them.

Bobby: Can’t wait to see all four eyes.

(Mike walks in.)

Mike: Let’s not have any four eyes jokes. Jan is gonna feel self-conscious enough without you teasing her.

Bobby: She’ll know we’re just joking.

Mike: People don’t like those kinds of personal jokes. How would you like it if someone called you, uh, shorty.

Bobby: I wouldn’t care.

Cindy: Okay, shorty.

Bobby: You cut that out.

Mike: See.

(Jan and Carol come in with Jan wearing her glasses.)

Mike: Hi, honey.

Carol: Hi, hi kids.

Mike (to Jan): Hey, you look great. Those frames are beautiful. Right kids?

Cindy: Yeah.

Bobby: Terrific.

Jan: Thanks.

Carol: She picked them out herself.

Mike: Ah, they’re perfect. They really suit her.

Carol (to Mike): Hey, honey, come on. I wanna show you these great towels I got on sale today.

(Carol and Mike leave the room and Jan stares at Bobby and Cindy.)

Jan: Okay, go ahead and say it. I look like a drip. Right?

Bobby: No, they look neat.

Cindy: Yeah, neat.

Jan: You really think they kinda look okay?

Cindy: Yeah, they make you look like you’re real smart.

Bobby: Like a schoolteacher.

(Jan starts to get upset.)

Jan: Oh, great. I wanted glasses thta make me look groovy.

Bobby: They do look groovy.

Cindy: And we aren’t saying this because Dad told us to.

Bobby: And I didn’t even call you four eyes once.

Jan (angry): Thanks a lot.

(She leaves as Bobby and Cindy cluelessly shrug. Carol is later looking for Mike’s gift. Alice comes in and catches her.)

Alice: Lose something, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: Alice, you know very well what I’m doing, I’m snooping.

Alice: You, Mrs. Brady? Stooping to snooping?

Carol: Now look, Alice. I bought Mr. Brady an anniversary present an di know he bought me an anniversary present and I know it’s got to be somewhere in this house. And I’ll bet you were in on it.

Alice (innocently): Me?

Carol: Come on, Alice? Give me a little hint.

Alice: Let me put it this way, Mrs. Brady. Roses are red, violets are blue, Mr. Brady will bean me if I told you.

(Jan comes by and hears part of the conversation.)

Carol: I thought we were friends. Aw, Alice, I’m not asking you to tell me exactly. Aw, you’re not being fair.

(Jan puts her glasses on as she hears Alice say she doesn’t want to be a snitch or traitor to Mike.)

Jan: Mom, I’m going down to the library now, okay?

Carol: Okay, dear, but don’t be too long, remember about dinner.

Jan: I will. Bye.

(She goes outside and gets on her bike. Marcia comes by and catches her putting her glasses in her purse. Jan gets on her bike and starts to ride away.)

Marcia: Jan.

Jan: Yeah?

Marcia: Where are your glasses?

Jan: In my purse.

Marcia: Why aren’t you wearing them?

Jan: Well, I’m meeting Bernie McGuire at the library.

Marcia: So?

Jan: Well, Bernie hasn’t seen me in glasses, and he’s not going to if I could help it.

Marcia: Well, Mom and Dad said you’re supposed to wear your glasses.

Jan: Well, I will when I really need them.

Marcia: I think you’re being dumb, they’re your eyes.

Jan (riding off): Chow.

Marcia: Chow?

(When Jan returns, Greg is sweeping the garage and he makes faces at her until he sees he’s about to crash her bike into the garage wall.)

Greg: Jan, Jan, Jan, look out! (She crashes and he goes to help her up) Are you all right?

Jan: Yeah, yeah, I think so.

Greg: Let me look.

Jan: I, I think I misjudged the distance.

Greg: Yeah, hey, no wonder, why aren’t you wearing your glasses?

Jan: Is my bike okay? (She notices the damage she caused to the picture) Huh!

Greg: Oh, no!

Jan: Oh, no! It’s Dad’s anniversary gift to Mom!

Greg: Now you’ve done it.

Jan: It’s ruined!

(The scene fades.)

untitled pic

(The next scene has Carol snooping in the bedroom. Mike comes in.)

Mike: Maybe it’s in the closet.

Carol (turning around): Maybe what’s in the closet?

Mike: Whatever it is you’re looking for.

Carol: I was looking for my blue sweater. (She goes into her drawer and finds it) Well, my blue sweater.

Mike: Ah, your blue sweater. You’re gonna wear that around the house/ it’s kind of warm.

Carol (putting it on): Well, maybe you’re warm but I’m very chilly.

(She puts it on and it hit Mike in the face.)

Mike: Ah, well, I’ll see you downstairs.

(He leaves the room and Carol gives a frustrated look. She also puts the sweater back.)

(Next, Greg is in his room trying to fix the picture with Peter and Bobby watching.)

Greg: This will never work. We’ll never hold this frame together.

(Jan comes in the room.)

Jan: How’s it going?

Greg: Not good. (Jan whines) Did you get ahold of the photographer?

Jan: Yeah,  but remember how mixed up he was when he took the picture?

Greg: Yeah.

Jan: Well, he’s still mixed up.

Bobby: What’s that supposed to mean?

Jan: He can’t find the negatives.

Greg (upset): You mean he lost it?

Jan: Yeah. He said it was his fault, so if you want to take the picture, he won’t charge us for the new negative.

Peter: Hey, great!

Jan: Yeah, but he has to charge us for the new picture.

Greg (sarcastically): Hey, great. We can’t ask Mom and Dad for the money.

Jan: Well, maybe if we all chipped in, we could have enough. I could pay you back, a little at a time, I promise.

Greg: I’d be glad to, but I’m all tapped out on Mom and Dad’s anniversary gift.

Peter: Me too, I got 12 cents left.

Bobby: And compared to me, he’s rich.

(Next, Jan is trying to get cash from her sisters.)

Marcia: Jan, I wish I could help but…

Jan: I know, Mom and Dad’s anniversary present.

Cindy: hey, I could let you have my coin collection.

Jan: you could?

Cindy: Yeah, but I haven’t started it yet.

Jan: Well, I think I know where I could get the money.

Marcia: Where?

Jan: Just have everybody meet me at the photographer’s right after school tomorrow. And don’t forget to wear the same clothes, so nobody will be able to tell it’s a different picture.

Marcia: But Jan, where are you gonna get the money?

Jan: What does it matter, as long as I get it.

(The next scene has Greg coming down the stairs in a jacket and tie, which he wore for the original picture. Alice catches him.)

Alice: Hey, where you going all dressed up like that?

Greg: Well, I got this date to take this chick down to the pizza place, Alice?

Alice: Pizza place? Dressed like that?

Greg: You don’t know what a great chick this is, it took me weeks just to get introduced to her.

Alice: Oh, not you, not Greg Brady. the Casanova of Clinton Avenue.

Greg: She’s really popular. So I figured I’d better look really heavy.

Alice: Hmm, I look really heavy no matter what I wear.

Greg: See you later.

Alice: Anchovies away.

(Greg leaves and Alice starts to vacuum. Peter and Bobby try sneaking down the stairs.)

Alice: Hey, hey, where do you think you’re going in your good clothes?

Peter: Out to play.

Bobby: Yeah, out to play.

Alice: Since when do you get dressed up to go out and play?

Peter: Well, you see, our play clothes are clean, and our good clothes are kind of dirty. So we don’t want to get our play clothes dirty. Right, Bobby.

Bobby: Uh, yeah. This way we just get our good clothes dirtier.

Peter: And you don’t have to wash our play clothes.

Bobby: Yeah, bye. So long.

Peter: Bye.

Alice (to herself): I think I detect a little fancy footwork here.

(She starts vacuuming and this time it’s the girls’ turn to try sneaking out in their good clothes. They sneak past Alice but run into Carol, who’s coming in the door.)

Carol: Well, perfect timing. My, do we look pretty.

Jan: Well, thanks, Mom.

Cindy: Yeah, thanks.

Marcia: You see, kids these days are always wearing jeans and stuff like that. And we figured it be fun to get all dressed up, like going to a party.

Jan: Well, we don’t want to be late. I’ll see you.

Marcia: No, come on, Cindy.

(They go out the door and Carol remains unconvinced.)

Carol: Late? Late for what? Alice!, Alice!, why are those girls so dressed up?

Alice: Beats me, Mrs. Brady, everybody suddenly decided to get dressed up.

(Next, the kids are down at the studio taking the second picture.)

Gaylord: All right kids, a nice big smile. That’s it.

Greg: Hold it, wait a minute.

Marcia: What’s wrong?

Greg: I don’t think we’re standing the same as we did last time.

Jan: You’re right, I was standing on the other side of Cindy.

Cindy: Hey, yeah

Gaylord: Children, children, I took the picture. And I remember your positions exactly.

Marcia: How were we?

Gaylord: you are exactly (Pause) like you just said.

Greg: I’m sure that’s it. Okay sir, we’re ready.

Gaylord: Okay, children, let’s see those pretty teeth now. And ready, and set, and…

Bobby: You got film in this camera?

Gaylord: Of course I got film.

Peter: Color film?

Gaylord: Yes, color film. (He double checks to see if he has it) Yes, color film. All right, ready, and set, and smile like last time. Ready. (All the kids say cheese) That’s it.

(He takes the shot. Carol and Alice are next in the kitchen preparing breakfast.)

Carol: Alice, maybe I should fix Mr. Brady something , you know, something a little special this morning.

Alice: Special?

Carol: Well, it is our anniversary, as if you didn’t know.

Alice: Congratulations, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Thanks. Mr. Brady sure is playing it cool. Well, you know how husbands are.

Alice: No, I don’t know how husbands are, but I’m dying to find out.

(Mike comes in the kitchen.)

Mike: Good morning, Alice.

(He and Carol hug.)

Carol: Ah, how would you like to have something really special this morning.

Mike: Special? Why would I want anything special this morning?

Carol: Well, because it’s an especially nice day.

Mike: Oh well, you’ve seen one especially nice day, you’ve seen them all.

Carol: Ah, but this is a special especially nice day.

Mike: That’s funny. It fell right on our anniversary.

Carol (hugging him from behind): oh, Mike Brady, I could strangle you.

Mike: You’re doing a great job of it right now.

Carol (sitting on his lap): Happy anniversary, darling.

Mike: Ooh, happy Anniversary.

(They kiss. Alice leads the kids in to bring their gifts.)

Kids: Surprise, happy anniversary.

Jan: How about ladies first.

Cindy: How about little ladies first.

Mike: What about husbands first.

(They hand him the wrapped up picture.)

Greg: Congratulations, Dad, Mom.

Carol: Oh, let me open it. (Mike helps her open it) Oh, marvelous. How did you ever sneak out and get it done?

Mike: Oh, we Bradys move in mysterious ways.

Carol: Nothing I’d rather have. Jan, you wore your glasses.

Jan: Uh huh.

(Mike notices something and gets confused.)

Carol: Well, come on, everybody. Let’s find a place to hang it.

(Carol, Alice and the kids go to hang it up.)

Mike (calling): Jan! (Jan stops and Mike motions for her to come to him. they both sit down) Isn’t there something you should explain to me?

Jan: What, Dad?

Mike: When we had that picture taken, you didn’t have your glasses yet.

Jan: I didn’t?

Mike: No, you didn’t. That can’t be the same picture, can it?

Jan: It isn’t, dad. But it wasn’t the other kids’ fault, I ruined the first one, because I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I ran into it on my bike in the garage.

Mike: Jan, you know you were lucky you just ran into the picture, you could’ve run into something much worse, like a car.

Jan: I’m sorry, Dad. I’ll wear my glasses from now on whenever I’m supposed to, I promise.

Mike: Yeah, but for a little reminder, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to ground you. 2 weeks, no bicycle.

Jan: Dad, can you make it something else? You can’t ground me from riding my bicycle.

Mike: Yes, I’m afraid I can.

Jan: Well, I don’t have a bicycle anymore. I sold it to pay for the new photograph.

Mike: Well, all right, I suppose that’s punishment enough. Maybe we can even find a way to buy that bicycle back.

Jan: Oh, I know a way we can get the money.

Mike: You do, huh?

Jan: We can sell my glasses.

(He laughs and pats her head as the scene fades.)

untitled broken pic untitled mike and jan

(The final scene has Mike and Carol hanging the picture up in their room.)

Carol: Honey, it’s drooping, yeah, on the left. (He adjusts it correctly) Oh, that’s perfect. Alice, isn’t that a lovely picture?

Alice: Ah, lovely. A lot nicer than the one I just got.

Mike: what picture is that, Alice?

Alice: the X-ray from my dentist. You took me there for my toothache. I was just kidding, but he wasn’t. He found 3 cavities.

(They all laugh while Alice sticks both her jaws out. They take another look at the picture.)

                                            THE END




S3 E12 Getting Davy Jones

untitled meeting

Getting Davy Jones

Written by Phil Leslie and Al Schwartz

Marcia swears to her friends that she can get Davy Jones to sing at their prom. She later finds this to be easier said than done. I  hope you enjoy the script.












DOREEN, Marcia’s friend

LAURA, another friend

MRS. ROBBINS, Marcia’s teacher

Page at studio

OPERATOR at hotel

Davy’s manager


(The episode begins in Marcia’s room, where she and two of her friends are discussing who they can get to entertain at their upcoming prom.)

Marcia: There must be someone we can get for a guest star.

Laura: We’re a great entertainment committee. 4 meetings and nothing.

Doreen: We better get somebody quick. It’s only 2 weeks before out senior prom.

(Meanwhile, Jan is downstairs in the family room looking in the paper. She sees a picture of Davy Jones, cuts out the page and brings it upstairs to Marcia.)

Marcia: Unless we get someone this weekend, on Monday we’ll have to tell Mrs. Robbins that we bombed out.

(Jan rushes in the room.)

Jan (excited): Marcia, guess who’s here!

Marcia: Jan, we’re in the middle of a very important meeting!

Jan: What’s more important than Davy Jones? He’s here!

Marcia: I don’t care who’s here (she suddenly realizes what Jan said) Davy Jones! He’s here in this house?

Jan: No, he’s here in town! See?

(She shows Marcia his picture from the paper.)

Marcia: Let me see. (She reads under his picture) Davy Jones, teenage rock idol, arrives this morning for personal appearances.

Doreen: Oh, wow, you know I got to get to see him!

Marcia: Davy Jones!

Jan (taking the paper): I got to show Cindy.

Marcia: Wouldn’t that be something?

Laura: What?

Marcia: To get him to entertain at our prom.

Doreen: Davy Jones? You’re kidding.

Laura (teasing): Well, why just Davy Jones? How about the Beatles, the 5th Dimension and the Carpenters, too.

(She and Doreen laugh.)

Marcia: Before you start making jokes, just take a look at this. (She shows Doreen a plaque with a letter Davy wrote to her personally) Go ahead, read it.

Doreen: Ms. Marcia Brady, President of the Davy Jones fan club. Dear Marcia, I want to thank you for your interest in my career.

Marcia: Let me see. (She takes it and reads the rest) If I’m ever in your city, I’ll be happy to show you my appreciation any way I can. With best wishes I am your friend always, Davy Jones.

Doreen: Well it’s probably just one of those form letters that his publicity guy send sout.

Marcia (defensive): IIt is not! It’s hand written. Besides, he wouldn’t say, If I’m ever in your town I’ll be happy to show you my appreciation if he really didn’t mean it.

Laura: That’s right, Doreen.

Doreen: I still say it’s publicity stuff.

Marcia: Davy jones is not the kind of person to lie. If I asked him to entertain at our prom, I’m sure he would.

Laura (to Doreen): Well, maybe he would.

Doreen: Oh, come on, don’t be silly. She’s just bluffing.

Marcia (offended): Bluffing? I’ll show you whose bluffing. I’ll go right over to his hotel and ask him.

Laura: You really think you can get him?

Marcia: If I say I’ll get him, I’ll get him.

(The scene fades away.)

untitled letter from davy

(The next scene has Alice coming into the kitchen to join Carol.)

Carol: Are Jan and Cindy still grumbling?

Alice: Well, they kinda went from a low grumbling to a kind of a high grouch. (Carol laughs) They really wanted to see Davy Jones.

Carol: I know, I just didn’t think Marcia would appreciate them tagging along .

Alice: I’ll bet he would’ve liked it. They sure are fans of his.

Carol (laughing): Yeah, from the reaction around here, he’s the hottest thing since pepperoni pizza.

(They both laugh and Mike comes in with what’s left of the paper.)

Mike: Okay, who doesn’t want me to know the ball score? (He picks up the paper with the missing picture and speaks with a British accent) Which one of you is Jack the Ripper?

Alice (laughing): I think Marcia cut out something that was on the other side of the sports page, Mr. Brady.

Carol: Now, honey, I want you to be calm, don’t get too excited. But, Davy Jones is in town.

Mike: No, not the Davy Jones. Kids.

Carol: Never mind. We had our idols too when we were kids.

Alice: Yeah, I remember when I found out Frank Sinatra got married. I wore black bobby socks for a month.

(Next, Jan and Cindy hurry into the boys’ room and excitedly tell the news to Peter and Bobby.)

Jan: Did you guys hear about Davy Jones? Isn’t it great?

Peter: What about him?

Jan: He’s in town! He’s gonna sing at Marcia’s school prom!

Cindy: In person!

Bobby: Ooh, big deal!

Peter: Yeah, what’s so special about Davy Jones?

Bobby: Yeah, all he does is bang on a guitar and yell his head off.

Peter: Yeah, anybody can do that.

Jan (angry): Anybody? There are over 2,000 Davy Jones fan clubs.

Cindy: Yeah!

Jan: How many Peter Brady fan clubs are there?

Peter: I don’t know, I haven’t counted them lately.

Jan: Well it doesn’t take long to count to zero.

Cindy: You’re just jealous.

Bobby: Jealous, of what? (He grabs a tennis racket and pretends he’s playing the guitar on it and singing) I’m wild about you baby, wild about you baby.

Jan (frustrated): Boys!

Peter: Hey, Davy baby, don’t break your guitar.

(Bobby continues to pretend he’s playing and singing. Meanwhile, Marcia’s friends are calling their friends to spread the news about Davy Jones.)

Laura: Linda, Linda you’ll never guess who Marcia Brady’s gonna get to entertain at our prom. Hold on to your skull, Davy Jones.

Doreen: Yes Katie, I said Davy Jones. Well, I didn’t believe it at first myself but Marcia’s gone right down there to meet him. Boy, our prom is gonna be out of sight. Pass the word, okay?

(Marcia comes home in a depressed mood.)

Marcia (to Mike); Hi.

Mike: Hi, honey.

(He shows her the missing part of the paper.)

Marcia: Sorry about that, Dad.

Mike: That’s all right. How did you make out with Davy Jones?

Carol (coming down the stairs): Were your knees shaking when you met him?

Marcia: My knees didn’t get anywhere near Davy Jones.

Carol: Wasn’t he at the hotel?

Marcia: He sure was, and so were a thousand other kids. It was so jammed I couldn’t even get inside the lobby.

Mike (to Carol): I guess every kid in town is trying to see him.

Carol: Why didn’t you try phoning him?

Marcia: I did. It cost me 30 cents just to hear the hotel operator say all of Mr. Jones’s lines are still busy.

Carol: Well, honey, if you can’t see him, and you can’t talk to him, I don’t know how you’re gonna get in touch with him.

Marcia: I don’t either.

Mike: Well, you did the best you could, Marcia. That’s all anybody can do.

Marcia: I guess so. But there’s still time to get someone else for the prom. At least there’s no harm done.

(The next day at school, Marcia notices a banner that says Welcome Davy Jones written on it hanging on top of the school. Her friends come up to her to congratulate her.)

Laura: Oh, Marcia, this is fantastic. It’ll be the best prom ever.

Doreen: I didn’t think you could do it. (All her friends continue their praise as Marcia tries to confess what really happened) Was he as neat as he looks?

Laura: Oh, I could die when I see him.

(The praise continues until Marcia’s teacher, Mrs. Robbins, comes by.)

Mrs. Robbins: We’re all so proud of you.

Marcia: Good morning, Mrs. Robbins.

Mrs. Robbins: I’ve never seen the students so excited. You’ve done a magnificent job with the entertainment committee.

Marcia: I haven’t really done anything, Mrs. Robbins.

(Her friends laugh.)

Mrs. Robbins: Don’t be modest dear. The minute I heard I got the art department right to work on that banner.

Marcia: Mrs. Robbins, can I please talk to you in private?

Mrs. Robbins: Of course.

(Marcia and Mrs. Robbins excuse the girls and walk a few feet away.)

Marcia: Mrs. Robbins, I didn’t expect all this. I haven’t even talked to Davy Jones yet.

Mrs. Robbins: Well, that’s no problem. I’m sure when you do see him you’ll arrange it. The children tell me you’re pretty good friends with Davy Jones. (The bell rings) First class bell, dear, mustn’t be late.

(Back at the house, Marcia tries writing a telegram to Jones. Jan comes in.)

Jan: Hi, doing homework?

Marcia: No, I’m writing a telegram to Davy jones.

Jan: A telegram?

Marcia: Yeah, I’m getting desperate after what happened in school today. This may be the only way I can reach him.

Jan: That’s a good idea.

Marcia: How does this sound? Dear Mr. Jones. I hope you remember me, Marcia Brady, President of your local fan club.

Jan: I’ll tell you how it sounds.

Marcia: How?

Jan: It sounds dull.

Marcia: that’s what I was afraid of.

(Greg and Peter come in.)

Greg: Hi, Marcia.

Marcia: Oh, maybe you can help me, Greg.

Greg: What’s going on?

Marcia: I’m writing a telegram to Davy Jones and (Pause) it sounds dull.

Greg: Let’s hear it.

Peter: Yeah, let’s hear it.

Marcia: Okay. Dear Mr. Jones. I hope you remember me, Marcia Brady, President of your local fan club.

Greg: No wonder it sounds dull. You got to catch his attention first.

Jan: That sounds logical.

Greg: Sure, start by buttering him up. (Pause) take it down like this. To Davy jones, star of stage, screen, radio, television and jukeboxes. You are the grooviest, the greatest, the most right onest.

Marcia: Greg! I think thta’s a little too much.

Peter: Nah, you gotta lay it on him thick. I’d love to get a telegram like that.

Jan: You would. There’s got to be a better way to get Davy Jones’s attention.

(Greg tries to come up with a new idea but can’t.)

Peter: Hey, I’ve got it.

Marcia: What?

Peter: Take this down. Davy Jones, Dear sir, you have just won a $10,000,000 sweepstakes. For information, call Marcia Brady at…

Greg: What’s that got to do with singing at the prom.

Peter: Nothing. But it will sure get his attention.

(Greg and Jan seethe at the suggestion.)

Marcia: Thanks for all your help, you guys. Just let me work it out by myself, okay.

Greg: Okay. (He and Peter leave the room) A $10,000,000 sweepstakes?

Peter: $20,000,000?

(Next, Marcia is on the phone to the hotel Jones is staying at.)

Marcia: Yes, I’d like to send a telegram please, to Davy Jones, at the Royal Towers Hotel. And this is very important, I want this telegram to be delivered to him personally. (Marcia suddenly gets upset) But you have to! Please? No, forget it.

(She hangs up.)

Marcia (to Jan): They won’t deliver it to him personally. They won’t even guarantee he’ll see it.

Jan (astonished): Why not?

Marcia: Because he already has 600 telegrams waiting for him, they’re keeping them off the hotel desk.

(Next, Mike and Carol are having a talk with Marcia.)

Mike: Honey, I know you’re in no mood for a lecture, but you should really never promise anything until you are sure you can deliver.

Marcia: I know that now.

Carol: Well, look, there must be some way to get in touch with that untouchable young man.

Marcia: If there is, I can’t think of it.

(Jan and Cindy come running out to the living room.)

Cindy (excited): Marcia, Davy Jones is on TV!

Jan: On the Hank Coleman show, it just came on!

Marcia: Dad, the Hank Coleman show is on for 30 minutes.

Mike: Yeah, so.

Marcia: Well, if I can get down to the TV station right away, maybe I can ask him about the prom.

Mike: Hey, you just got yourself a ride. Come on. (he grabs his jacket) We’ll be back in abit.

Carol: Okay.

Marcia: Bye.

Carol: Good luck, honey.

(They head down to the studio and meet with a page.)

Mike: Excuse me, is the Hank Coleman show still on?

Page: Yes sir, it still has a few minutes to go.

Marcia: Oh, great.

Mike: Do you mind if me and my daughter wait until the show’s over? She’d like to meet Mr. Coleman’s guest star.

Marcia: I’m president of his fan club.

Page: The head of the Department of Sanitation has a fan club?

Marcia: The Department of Sanitation?

Page: That’s who Hank Coleman’s guest star is today.

Marcia: No, it’s Davy Jones. I just saw the start of the show at home.

Page: Oh, that was done yesterday. Mr. Coleman tapes his shows one day in advance. I’m afraid you’re 24 hours late for Davy jones, miss.

(Marcia gets extremely disappointed.)

Marcia: Well, honey. You’ll just have to think of something else. When’s the prom?

Marcia: In a week, Dad.

(The scene fades.)

untitled davy singing

(The next scene has Mike on the phone with a friend.)

Mike: Yeah, Brad, well look, I just thought since your brother plays golf with the hotel manager, it might be worth a chance asking. Yeah, oh yeah, well, okay Brad. Yeah, thanks a lot.

(He hangs up the phone.)

Marcia: What did he say, Dad?

Mike: He said if I could find a way to get to Davy Jones, let him know, because he’s got a teenage daughter who’s dying to meet him too.

Marcia: Is there someone else we can call?

Carol: Honey, your father and I have done everything we can think of, except.

Marcia: What?

Carol (laughing): It’s just too crazy.

Marcia: What Mom?

Mike: Yeah, come on, what?

Carol: Well it really is crazy, but, well why couldn’t we check into the Royal Towers this weekend. At least Marcia would be in the same hotel with Davy Jones.

Mike: Yeah, that is crazy.

Carol (laughing): Yeah, I know.

Mike: I know because I called and they’re already booked.

Marcia: What am I gonna do?

Mike: Marcia, I think you’re at the end of the line. I think you’re gonna have to tell your teacher that you just couldn’t get him.

Marcia: Dad, do you realize what you’re asking?

Mike: Honey, you have a responsibility to other people.

Carol: Honey, you have to give the school a chance to find someone else to entertain at the prom.

Marcia: Well, I still got this weekend. Maybe something will happen.

Carol: Well I hope so. But if not, you’ll have to tell your teacher on Monday.

Marcia; Okay.

(She goes into the kitchen, where Alice and Jan are.)

Jan: I’m sorry, Marcia.

Alice: Me too, honey.

Marcia (upset): When the whole school hears I bombed out, they’ll all hate me.

Jan: Not everybody, Marcia. Your real friends will stick to you.

Marcia: After Monday I won’t have any friends. I might as well quit school or move away or something.

(She walks away disgusted.)

Alice (to Jan): There’s got to be something to relieve this.

Jan: Well, if there is, we better find it quick.

Alice: Why don’t you and the other kids put your heads together and think. I’ll put my heads together too.

(The next scene has Jan, Peter, Bobby and Cindy devising another plan.)

Jan: At least it’s worth a try, Peter.

Cindy; Anything is.

Bobby: Yeah, Marcia’s desperate.

Peter: Okay. You guys stand back and make a little noise like there’s a crowd in the room. Here goes.

(He gets on the phone while the other kids pretend to be a crowd.)

Operator: Royal Towers Hotel.

Peter (to the other kids): I can’t hear. (They quiet down and he gets on the phone with the operator) Davy Jones’s room please.

Operator: Mr. Jones’s line is busy and there are many calls waiting.

Peter: Tell him it’s an old buddy of his, he’ll take the call right now.

Operator: Who’s calling please?

Peter: Pete Brady! I manage one of his favorite rock groups. Davy baby said to call the minute we made the scene in town.

Operator: What’s the name of the group?

Peter: The Three Desperados.

(The other kids laugh and Peter tells them to hush up.)

Operator: I’m sorry. I never heard of the Three Desperados.

Peter: Oh, we’re a big group. We’re over here rehearsing right now. (to the others) Sing something.

Jan (whispering): Sing what?

Peter: Anything, anything you know the words to. (back to the operator) Listen to this, operator.

(They all sing off-key to a different tune. The operator realizes it’s a sham and hangs up.)

Peter (back on the phone): Operator, hello operator.

Bobby: Did she hear us?

Peter; She heard you.

(He hangs up the phone. We next see Alice on the phone with Sam.)

Alice: Thanks, Sam. I’ll tell Marcia, it just might work. Okay, bye.

(Greg comes in the kitchen for a snack.)

Greg: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Greg, Sam just had the wildest idea.

Greg: Congratulations, he finally proposed.

Alice: No, it’s not that wild. He delivers meat to the Royal towers and the chef is a personal friend of his.

Greg: So.

Alice: So, that might just get Marcia in to see Davy Jones. Even though his idea is a little far out.

Greg: Listen, nothing’s too far out for Marcia right now.

(Alice whispers in his ear the idea Sam had in mind. We next see Marcia and Greg posing as busboys at the hotel. they knock on the door at Davy’s hotel room. Davy’s manager answers.)

Manager: Who is it?

Greg; Busboys.

Manager: Come in.

Marcia: Do I look all right?

Greg: Lower your voice, will you, you’re supposed to be a boy.

Marcia (speaking in a lower voice): Oh, yes.

Greg (to the manger): We’ve come to get the breakfast dishes.

Manager: Okay.

Greg: We’re certainly happy to be of service to you.

Marcia: You’re our favorite singing star.

Greg: Of all time.

Marcia: I got every record you ever made.

Greg: Yeah, and she (he) plays them all the time.

Marcia: I’m even president of your fan club.

(The manager comes out.)

Manager: Sorry, kids.

Marcia (in her own voice): You’re not Davy (she then lowers her voice) You’re not Davy Jones.

Manager: I’m his manager. David left a few minutes ago.

Greg; Could you tell us when he’ll be back, sir?

Manager: Who knows? He’s over at Atlas Records cutting an album. I’ve got to get down there myself.

Greg (to Marcia): Atlas records.

Manager: Hey, what about the dishes?

Greg: Yeah. (to Marcia) You change and get over there fast.

Marcia: Okay. (she leaves the room then stops for a minute) Oh, thanks, Greg.

(She blows him a kiss and the manager gives a strange look. Greg shrugs.)

(Jones is down at the recording studio. He is ready to record the song “Girl”.)

Manager: Okay, Davy, let’s say we make one, huh?

(He nods and they get ready to record his vocal.)

Davy (singing): Girl, look what you’ve done to me. Me, and my whole world. Girl, you brought the sun to me, with your smile, you did it girl. I’m telling you, girl, something unknown to me, makes you what you are. And what you are is all I could ask for me, and it’s good to feel that way girl. Thank you girl, for making the morning brighter, girl, for making the night time nicer, girl, for making a better world for me. I’m telling you, girl, something unknown to me, makes you what you are. And what you are is all that I want for me, and it’s good to feel that way girl. Thank you girl, for making the morning brighter, girl, for making the night time nicer, girl, for making a better world for me. Thank you girl, for making the winter warmer, girl, for making the music softer, girl, for making a better world for me.

(The thank you girl chorus fades out.)

Manager: Sounded great Davy, great. Relax for a second and we’ll play it back.

(Davy nods and they play back his vocal. Marcia enters the recording room.)

Manager: Getting it in there? (Davy gives him the okay sign) Okay, signal in… (He hears Marcia shut the door behind her.) Who are you?

Marcia: Oh, I just wanted to speak to Mr. Jones for a minute.

Manager: Miss, we’re making a recording here.

Marcia: Well, I’ll just wait until he’s finished. I won’t even make a sound.

Manager: Sorry, no one is allowed in the studio while we’re recording.

Marcia: Please, I just gotta see him. I’m president of his Fillmore junior high fan club.

Manager: That’s great, but nobody attends recording sessions.

Marcia: But I promised my whole school he’d sing at our prom. He’s just got to or I’ll never be able to speak to my friends again!

Manager: Kid, you know how many schools want David to sing at their prom? There are just not enough days in the year.

Marcia: But I wouldn’t have promised the school if he hadn’t written me a letter, to me personally, Marcia Brady. He said he’d be glad to help me whenever he was in town.

Manager: Tell you what, kid, you leave me your name and address, and I’ll send you a copy of his latest album, okay? (He sends Marcia away, to himself) Kids.

(Davy hears all this from the stage and ponders. Later at home, Marcia comes down the stairs into the living room, where her parents are sitting.)

Marcia: Mom, Dad.

Carol: Yes, honey.

Marcia: I think I’ll call Mrs. Robbins.

Mike: I thought you were gonna wait until Monday.

Marcia: If I call now she’ll have more time to find someone else.

(The doorbell rings.)

Carol: I’ll get it.

Mike: Well, honey, you tried as hard as you could.

Marcia (picking the phone up): It didn’t help much.

(She dials the phone and Carol answers the door. it is Davy Jones in person. She shakes his hand and lets him in.)

Marcia (on the phone): Mrs. Robbins, this is Marcia Brady. There’s something very important I have to tell you.

Carol: Marcia.

(Marcia sees Davy and gets excited.)

Marcia: Mrs. Robbins, I have to call you back! Bye. (she hangs up) Hi!

Davy: Hi. (He hands her an album) That’s the album my manager promised you.

Marcia (excited): Oh, thanks, but how did you…

Davy: I heard what you said over the studio microphone.

Marcia: Oh, oh. (She points to Mike and Carol) this is my Mom and my Dad. (She realizes her mistake) You know which is which.

(Davy and Mike shake hands.)

Carol: Would you two excuse us?

Mike: Yeah, we were just going in the other room.

(They go into the kitchen to give Marcia and Davy some privacy.)

Davy: Do you mind if I sit down?

Marcia: Oh, yes, sit down, anywhere.

(He sits and Marcia joins him.)

Davy: You know I’m sorry about this mess you’re in because of that letter I wrote to you.

Marcia: Oh no, it’s my fault. I never should have promised you’d sing at the prom.

Davy: Well, it’s my fault too. I promised you something in that letter. When is your prom?

Marcia: Friday night.

Davy: Okay, Friday night it is.

(Peter, Jan, Cindy and Bobby are upstairs and they all cheer.)

Davy: I didn’t know we had an audience.

Marcia: Those are my brothers and sisters. You’ll really come to the prom?

Davy: Well, there is one little problem.

Marcia (flustered): What?

Davy: I don’t have a date. Do you know a girl who would like to go with me?

Marcia: Do I.

(She kisses him on the cheek.)

Davy: Well, how about the flip side?

(She gets up and kisses his other cheek. The other kids pretend to copy them and kiss each other. Marcia and Davy look in each other’s eyes as the scene fades.)

untitled visit from davy

(The final scene has Jan, Peter, Bobby and Cindy singing in the living room. they sing the same song Davy was recording while Mike gets distracted in his den. He’s had enough and comes out to order them to stop.)

Mike: Hey, hey, hold it.

Jan: We’re practicing, Dad.

Mike: What? Cracking the sound barrier?

Peter: Rock groups are hot.

Cindy: Peter says we’ll get rich.

Bobby: Like loaded.

Mike: Here is a start.

(He takes his wallet out and gives them a dollar.)

Peter: Okay, what do you want us to sing?

Mike: Anything as long as you sing it on the next block because I’m trying to get some work done. Okay?

(He goes back in his den.)

Peter: Well, a buck’s a buck, come on, you guys.

(They abide to Mike’s wishes and leave.)

                              THE END

untitled a buck's a buck

S3 E11 Click

untitled football


Written by Alfred Lewis Levitt and Helen Levitt (Tom and Helen August)

Greg joins the high school football team but after a rib injury becomes the team photographer. I hope you enjoy the script.











LINETTE CARTER, Greg’s girlfriend

COACH of football team

(The episode begins with Greg riding home on his bicycle with a football in his hand. He heads to the house but then he stops and ponders for a minute. He sits down and Bobby comes over.)

Bobby: Greg, can you help me? You know all about cameras.

Greg: What’s the matter?

Bobby: Well, the last picture I took was number seven. I guess I turned it too hard because it went all the way past eight. The next number coming up is nine.

Greg: So?

Bobby: So I don’t want to miss a picture. I spent my whole allowance on that film. How do I get it back to eight?

Greg: You can’t get it back to eight.

Bobby: Boy, some camera expert you are.

(Greg gets up, puts the football down and gets ready to go inside.)

Greg: I might as well get it overwith.

(He goes in the house to speak to Carol, who is in the kitchen with Alice.)

Greg: Mom, I have something important I want to tell you.

Carol: What is it?

Greg: Well, uh,uh, I’m very hungry.

Carol: Yes.

Greg: Well, that’s it.

Carol (to Alice): I’d say he has more on his mind than food.

Alice: I’d say you were right.

(Greg goes back outside and Mike comes home.)

Greg: Hi, Dad.

(He tosses the football to him.)

Mike: Hi, son. What did your mother say?

Greg (sheepishly): I didn’t tell her yet.

Mike: Hey, I thought that was then first order of business right after breakfast.

Greg: It slipped my mind. You know, rushing around, trying to get to school on time.

Mike: You could’ve told her after school.

Greg: Well, it got kind of late by then. Besides, I thought I could use a little…

Mike: A little help?

Greg: Yeah.

Mike: Come on, we’ll tell her together.

(They walk into the house together as the scene fades.)

untitled pics

(Mike and Greg enter the house and see Carol.)

Carol: Oh, hi, honey. Hi, Greg.

(She and Mike kiss.)

Mike: Hey, something smells good in the kitchen.

Carol: Yeah, it’s meat loaf.

Mike: Oh.

Greg: Yeah, sure smells good. Real good.

Carol (to Greg): is something wrong?

Mike: No, no, honey, nothing’s wrong. It’s just, uh, uh, well, Greg has something he wants to tell you.

Greg: Dad, really, I think it would be better if maybe you told her.

Mike: No, you tell her. It’s all right.

Carol: Something is wrong. I should have known when you tried to tell me before.

Mike: No, honey, believe me, nothing is wrong.

Greg: Honest. In fact, it’s kind of great.

Carol (sarcastically): Oh yeah, it’s so great that both of you are too chicken to tell me what it is.

Greg (sheepishly): Well, Mom, it has to do with football.

Carol: What?

Greg: Football. I guess you don’t know much about football.

Carol: I do too. That’s that game on TV that you and your father watch where all those great big guys try to kill each other. What about football?

Greg: Well, you see, I made the football team at school.

Mike: Honey, the coach says he’s a natural flanker back.

Carol: Oh no, no son of mine is going to play football with those two ton monsters.

Mike: Oh honey, the football players you see on television, those are pros. We’re talking about high school football.

Carol (shaking her head): Oh no, Mike. I don’t care if you’re talking about kindergarten.

Mike: Oh Carol, the coach wouldn’t pick Carol to be on the team if he didn’t think he was up to it. He’s not going to take any unnecessary chances with the boys.

Greg: Yeah Dad, and tell her all the great things football does for you.

Mike: Right. He’ll learn the importance of teamwork, of being part of a team.

Greg: Yeah, teamwork.

Mike: Learn how to win gracefully.

Greg: Yeah, win gracefully.

Mike: Lose with dignity.

Greg: And lose with (Pause) What do you mean lose?

Carol: I’m sorry Greg but football is out.

Greg: Mom, a guy can get hurt right in his own home. Like falling in the bathtub.

Carol: Oh sure, but he doesn’t have two other guys in the bathtub with him trying to knock him down.

Mike: Carol, I think you’re being overly concerned about this. Gosh, uh, thousands of kids play football every week.

Carol: Well.

Mike: Hmm?

Carol: Maybe you’re right. Does this really mean so much to you, Greg?

Greg: Yeah it does, Mom.

Carol: Well, okay. (Pause) But it doesn’t mean I’m still not gonna worry.

(Greg kisses her.)

Greg: Thanks, Mom. (She starts to leave the family room) Thanks, Dad.

Mike: You’re welcome. (to Carol) Oh, come on, honey, don’t worry. He can take care of himself.

Carol: Why couldn’t he go out for something like the debating team?

Mike: Because you’d be afraid he’d sprain his tongue.

carol: Now, that isn’t nice.

(They hug each other. Alice is in the kitchen writing a recipe on the board. Jan and Cindy watch.)

Cindy: I thought it tasted like lemon.

Jan: No, it tasted more like lime to me.

Alice: How do you like that? The best cake I ever created, and I go and forget my own secret recipe.

Jan: Well, I’ll keep thinking, Alice.

Cindy: Me too.

Alice: Thanks, girls.

(They leave and Greg comes in the kitchen.)

Greg: I’ve got it, Alice! This time I’ve really git it!

Alice: Well whatever it is, don’t give it to the rest of the kids.

Greg: It’s a football play. It’s a variation of a L-out pattern.

Alice: What’s a L-out pattern?

Greg: Let me show you what I mean?

(He erases Alice’s recipe to demonstrate the play.)

Alice: Oh, nooooo.

Greg: Oh, was that something important?

Alice: Oh, no, Just a recipe that’s going to remain as big a mystery as the Sphinx.

Greg: Oh, Alice, I’m sorry.

Alice: No problem. Now, what’s this about a L-out pattern?

(Greg writes on the board.)

Greg: This is the offensive team here, okay. (He writes a bunch of x’s) And this is the defensive.

(He writes a bunch of o’s underneath the x’s.)

Alice: Oh, my money’s on that team (the o’s) Those little guys are never going to be able to be able to get through the big fat fellows.

Greg (laughing): No, the circles just mean that’s the defensive team. And I got this play worked out where this guy fakes a handout over here to this guy. This guy comes out for the L works great on the blackboard. I just wish I could find some players to try it out with.

Alice: Oh, I’ll volunteer. I don’t know much about football, but I do know that I personally can fill out two or three of those circles.

(Greg punches Alice lightly on the shoulder. She and Greg go outside and play a game with Peter and Bobby, while the girls look on from the swing set and cheer.)

Alice: Okay, team, this is a L- out pattern, Greg Brady version, on two. Let’s go, okay. Hut 1, Hut 2

Bobby: Hike!

Alice: Fake! (to Greg0 Now, go long, go long, go long!

(Greg runs to catch the ball but Mike, who is coming in the driveway, catches it.)

Mike (shouting): Interception!

(Alice gives him the okay sign. Next, Greg’s girlfriend. Linette, a cheerleader, is outside showing Greg some new cheers.)

Linette: Should I do all the cheers, Greg?

Greg: You don’t have to say the words, just make all the moves so I can get some action shots.

Linette: Okay.

(She makes her cheers while Greg takes pictures of her. Carol and Alice look on from the kitchen, where they are washing dishes.)

Alice: Now that’s what I call one of the fringe benefits of high school football.

Carol: That’s Linette Carter, one of the cheerleaders, isn’t she darling?

Alice: Any way you look at her. She seems to have a bit of a crush on Greg.

Carol: Well, I’d rather have him crushed that way than on a football field.

(Linette finishes her cheers while Greg takes more pictures.)

Linette: I don’t even do this many routines in a whole football game.

Greg: Let’s take a break. I think i got some good shots.

Linette: I didn’t know you were an expert at the camera.

Greg: Oh, well, it’s just a hobby. And besides, the way you look in that outfit, the pictures can’t help but come out good.

Linette: I stopped by to watch football practice the other day, and you looked pretty terrific in your uniform.

Greg: That’s just the shoulder pads and things. Say, after the game this week, would you like to go over to the pizza place with me?

Linette (flattered): I’d love to.

Greg: Great! And afterwards, maybe we can go back to the victory dance.

(Bobby comes over.)

Bobby: Hey Greg, if you fix my camera, I’ll take a picture of you.

Greg: Some other time, Bobby.

Bobby (to Linette): I’m Bobby, Greg’s brother.

Linette: Hi.

Greg: This is Linette, and we don’t want our picture taken right now, okay?

Bobby: How do you know, you didn’t even ask her.

Greg: Bobby, go do your homework.

Bobby: I did it.

Greg: Will you run along/

Bobby (to Linette): Listen to him, just because he’s on the football team.

Linette: When he’s a big hero, we’ll be lucky if he even remembers us.

Bobby: He’s got to remember me. I live here.

(The next scene has Greg coming home from school. He sits down in the kitchen to have a banana.)

Greg: Hi, Mom.

Carol: Hi, Greg, how was practice?

Greg: Oh, fine.

(She notices a bruise on his arm.)

Carol: Did you (Pause) Greg, you’re hurt.

Greg: Oh, Mom, that’s only a small…

Carol: That is the worst bruise I have ever seen in my life. Now that is why I am so nervous about you playing football.

Greg: That’s not from practice. I did that when I bumped my arm in math class.

Carol: Oh, does it hurt?

Greg: No, but I’ll be glad to quit math if you think it is too dangerous.

Carol: Oh, you’re terrible.

(The next couple of scenes shows Greg on the field playing, then he’s in the locker room studying some plays. The coach come sin to speak to him.)

Coach: I thought you’d be dressed and out by now, Greg.

Greg: Oh, hi coach. No, I’m just running over a couple of these new plays. I really want to make first string.

Coach: I know you do, son. Now, come on, get out of here. First practice game of the season’s tomorrow, remember?

Greg: Like, how could I forget?

Coach: I expect my first string players to get home and get plenty of sleep tonight.

Greg (excited): First string?

Coach: That’s right, Greg, you’re starting tomorrow.

Greg: Far out!

Coach: Well, don’t get too excited about it. It’s just a practice game until the regular season begins now. Every spot on the team is open. You’ll have to fight plenty hard to keep it.

Greg: Will I ever.

(He cleans out his locker and later is at home studying more plays. He also has pictures of Linette on the desk. Bobby comes in.)

Bobby: Greg, can I talk to you for a minute?

Greg: Sure, Bobby, but keep it short. I got a lot of new plays to learn.

(bobby picks up one of Greg’s pictures of Linette.)

Bobby: See that?

Greg: Yeah, so?

Bobby: How come you take such good pictures and I take such rotten ones?

Greg: There are a lot of reasons, Bobby. But you take good pictures for a guy your age.

Bobby: But I want to take good pictures for a guy your age. Every time I take a picture, everybody comes out looking dumb.

Greg: That’s because you try and pose them. Next time, take a picture when they’re not expecting it. Then they never look stiff, they look natural.

Bobby: Yeah, I get it! Thanks, Greg.

Greg: Anytime.

(bobby starts to leave, then turns around.)

Bobby: oh, Greg.

(He turns and Bobby takes a picture of him. Greg smiles.)

(The next scene has Alice and Marcia in the kitchen. Marcia makes a face after eating a radish.)

Marcia: Yuck, these radishes are bitter! (Bobby comes in and takes a picture of Marcia making a sour look) Hey, that’s not fair! I was making a face!

Alice: Oh, come on, honey. Where’s your sense of humor? (Bobby then takes a picture of Alice with flour on her face) Bobby, I look awful!

Marcia: Where’s your sense of humor, Alice?

(Next, Jan and Cindy are in the bathroom. Jan is helping Cindy braid her hair.)

Cindy: Not so tight!

Jan: Sorry.

(Bobby opens the door from his side of the room and takes their picture. That night, the boys are sleeping in their room. Bobby wakes up and calls to Peter.)

Bobby: Hey, Pete! Peter!

Peter (barely awake): Huh?

Bobby: There’s something I got to tell you.

Peter: Can’t it wait?

Bobby: No, it’s very important.

(Peter turns over and looks down at Bobby. Bobby takes a picture of him.)

(The next day, Greg and his team are playing a game. The coach and two other players bring an injured Greg into the locker room.)

Greg: Coach, really, I’m fine. I just got the wind knocked out of me. It’s nothing. I’m ready to go back in.

Coach: You let me be the judge of that, huh? (to the other players) You guys better get back to the game.

Greg: Thanks.

Coach: Now, lift up that jersey, I want to take a look at those ribs.

Greg: Okay. (He lifts it up) See, nothing but a bruise. Just a little red.

Coach: Yeah, it might be a bruise. And it might be something more. Well, there’s no sense taking a chance on it just for a practice game.

Greg: But, coach…

Coach: Now, I’m gonna have those ribs x-rayed before I let you suit up for the opening game Friday.

Greg: Look, really, I’m fine.

Coach: Don’t arguer about it, Greg. I’m going to call your parents. I think they should run you down to your own doctor.

Greg: My parents. (Pause) Please, coach, call my Dad.

Coach: Okay, your Dad.

Greg (withering in pain): Oh, no.

Coach: See what I mean. Those ribs are pretty painful, aren’t they?

Greg: Coach, the ribs are  nothing. it’s telling my mother that’s gonna be painful.

(The scene fades.)

untitled photo session

(In the next scene, Carol is on the phone with her friend Martha when Greg and Mike return home from the doctor.)

Carol: Yes, Martha, I know. Yeah, okay, I will. Look, I have to go now, I’ll call you later. Bye. (She hangs up) Hi, honey. Hi, greg.

Mike: Hello, sweetheart.

(She gets up and they kiss.)

Carol: How come you’re home so early?

Mike: Well, honey, uh…

Carol: I know. You were playing hooky to watch Greg’s football game.

Mike: No, not exactly.

Carol (looking at her watch): That was an awfully short game, wasn’t it?

Mike: Look, Carol, if you’ll let me explain…

(Greg goes to sit down and holds his sore ribs.)

Carol: Greg, what’s the matter?

Mike: Greg injured his rib.

Greg: It’s nothing, Mom. the doctor says I’m fine.

Carol (upset): The doctor? You had to see the doctor?

Greg: See Dad, I told you she’d make a big deal out of it.

Mike: Well, look, son. A fractured rib isn’t exactly a little rib.

Carol (almost hysterical): A fractured rib?

Greg: Just a hairline fracture!

Carol: A fracture is a fracture.

Greg: But I can still play, the doctor even said so.

Carol: Mike, did he really say that?

Mike: Well, if he says if he wears a rib protector of some kind, he could possibly play, but there’s still a risk of a break.

Greg: Dad, he said only a slight risk. And only if I get hit in the exact same spot.

Carol: Uh uh, I’m sorry, Greg.

Greg: Mom, do you know the chances of getting hit in the exact same spot?

Carol: Yes. Zero, because you’re not playing football.

Greg: Oh, Mom, that’s…

Mike: I’m afraid I’m with your mother this time.

Greg: Dad, I finally made first string.

Mike: Well, let’s wait until the doctor says the rib is completely healed.

Carol: Right!

Greg (frustrated): But I’ll miss the opening game!

Mike: Greg, if you get hurt again, you’ll miss all the rest of the games.

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: Dinner’s ready. And I’ve got a surprise for you. Barbecued ribs. (they all look at Alice uncomfortably) I thought everybody liked ribs.

(They all go to dinner. Later on, Greg is in his room practicing throws and seeing how his ribs are. He finds it pretty painful. Bobby comes in form the bathroom.)

Bobby: My pictures are dry, you want to see them?

Greg: Some other time, Bobby, all right?

Bobby: please, just look at this one?

(He shows him the picture of Marcia.)

Greg (sarcastically): She’s going to love that.

Bobby: Here, look at the rest of them.

(He shows him the pictures of Jan and Cindy. Then the ones of Peter and Alice.)

Greg: They’re great, Bobby.

Bobby: Coming from an expert like you, that’s a real compliment.

(Bobby leaves the room. Marcia and Jan come in form the bathroom.)

Marcia: Greg, are you guys finished developing the pictures in there? We want to wash our hair.

Greg: Yeah, we’re finished.

Jan: Then, could you get your junk out?

Greg: Okay, okay.

(He goes into the bathroom with them.)

Marcia: You got so much junk in here!

Jan: Why don’t you take this stuff down to the laundry room.

Greg: Because Alice told me to take this stuff up here to the bathroom.

(Mike comes in the room just as Greg moves his equipment to the room.)

Mike: Did you get evicted again?

Greg: Yeah, every time someone wants to shampoo their hair or wash some clothes.

Mike: Greg, I suppose you think I let you down.

Greg: Dad, there’s such a thing as being too cautious.

Mike: Well, I think it’s a matter of viewpoint. You wanted to play so badly, you were willing to take the risk, we weren’t. You can understand that.

Greg: I guess. But that football team means a lot to me.

Mike: Well, look. Maybe you can find another way to help them.

Greg: Sure, I can become the water boy, or equipment manager. The stuff guys do who can’t make the team.

Mike: All right. Those guys are making a contribution too, and they’re having fun at it.

Greg: Dad, did you ever the cheering section give a yell for the water boy? I doubt it.

Mike: Is that why you want to play football? For the cheers?

Greg: Dad, that’s not what I mean. It’s, it’s just that if I can’t play, I don’t want any part of it.

Mike: Aw, Greg, you remember what we told your mother when she decided to let you play? Teamwork? Win gracefully? Lose with dignity?

Greg: Yeah, I remember.

Mike: All right. that wasn’t just a snow job, you know. I meant that. And I thought you meant that, too.

Greg: I did!

Mike: Okay, now you lost something. Take it like a man.

(Peter comes in the room.)

Peter: Phone call for Mr. Greg Brady.

Greg: Who is it?

Peter: I didn’t ask, but she sure sounds pretty.

(He laughs.)

Greg: If it’s Linette, I’m about to get dumped.

(Mike laughs and slaps Greg’s butt as he leaves the room. He is later on the phone downstairs in the living room.)

Greg: Yeah, I know I was supposed to call, Linette. It’s just that you get busy and stuff.

Linette: Well, I was wondering why I didn’t hear from you. I just wanted to make sure your ribs were okay.

Greg: Yeah, I’m okay. It’s just that I didn’t think you’d want to waste time on an ex-football player.

Linette: Wow, that’s really insulting.

Greg: Insulting? What do you mean insulting?

Linette: You must think I’m a very shallow, superficial kind of person. If I like somebody just because he’s on the football team.

Greg: I didn’t mean it that way. I guess I just wasn’t thinking. Honest.

Linette: Well, okay. I’ll see you at the game on Friday, right.

Greg: Well, I wasn’t figuring on going to the game.

Linette: Why not?

Greg: I just didn’t feel like it, you know what I mean?

Linette: Well, I guess. I thought you could sit by the cheerleaders, and we could watch together.

Greg: maybe some other time, okay?

Linette: Or you could take some more pictures of me. You know, giving cheers at a real game.

Greg: Let me think about it, Linette.

Linette: Okay, good night, Greg.

Greg: Good night.

(They hang up. The next day, the kids are leaving for school. Alice gives Marcia, Jan and Peter their lunch.)

Alice: Okay, these are all alike.

(They all say good-bye.)

Carol: Have a good day, kids.

Peter: Bye, Mom, Bye, Dad.

(Carol and Mike say good-bye and Bobby and Cindy come out.)

Alice: Now, listen, you two guys. Eat your own lunches, will you? And don’t go trading off with the other kids. It makes me feel unwanted.

Bobby: Unwanted? Your sandwiches get more trade-ins than anybody else’s in the whole school!

Alice: Really?

Cindy: Yeah, once I traded one of your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a turtle!

Alice: Thanks. That’s a real compliment.

(They start to leave.)

Carol: Good-bye kids, have a good day.

(She gives them kisses and they say good-bye to the parents. Greg comes out.)

Greg: Good morning.

Carol: Good morning, Greg.

Mike: You gonna take pictures at school today?

Greg: Oh, just some of Linette leading cheers at the game today.

Carol: Oh, I’m glad you decided to go.

Greg: Well, Linette asked me to go, you know.

(He takes his lunch and leaves.)

Mike (getting up from his seat): Well, I’ve got to run myself. Good-bye, sweetheart.

(He kisses her and Bobby takes a picture. He was hiding behind the kitchen counter.)

Bobby: Boy, what a mushy picture this is gonna be.

(He runs. We next see the game at school. Back at home, Alice is writing a new recipe.)

Alice: Got it! (Bobby sneaks in and takes another picture) the phantom photographer strikes again.

(Greg and Peter come in from the game.)

Alice: did you win?

Greg: No, they did. 7 to 6.

Peter: We got gypped, the referee made a rotten call!

Alice: What happened?

Greg: I didn’t see the play, I was taking pictures of Linette.

Peter: Well, I saw the play. Our guy caught a pass for a touchdown, and I still say it was inbounds.

Alice: And the referee said it was out?

Peter: Yeah, it’s like this. The score is 7-6, their favor.

Alice: Yeah?

Peter: It’s the last seconds of the game.

Alice: Last seconds?

Peter: And the only chance we have is a long pass. (He takes a banana to demonstrate) And they knew it, so they red dogged.

Alice: What’s a red dog?

Peter: I’ll show you.

(He runs over and erases the blackboard.)

Alice (frantically): No, no, no, not the blackboard!

Peter: Was it something important, Alice?

Alice: Just a recipe that’s been handed down from generation to generation, ending with this one.

(Later on, Greg is hanging up some pictures of Linette to dry. mike cme sin to see him.)

Mike: Hi, son.

Greg: Hi, dad.

Mike: Peter told me the bad news.

Greg: Aw, the referee made a rotten call.

Mike: What was the score?

Greg: 7 to 6.

Mike: These are the shots you took of the game?

Greg: Yeah, some pictures of Linette doing her cheerleading stuff. I wanted to get them ready so I can give them to her tonight.

Mike: Hey, these are pretty good.

Greg: Thanks.

(Mike looks at one of them.)

Mike: Hey, now that’s a really good shot. A good action shot.

Greg: I should’ve been watching the game on that one. That’s the play that lost it for us, and that’s our pass receiver.

Mike: Oh, yeah. That looks like a good catch. You know, if you enlarge this, you might be able to tell if this was inbounds or not.

Greg: Yeah, yeah, Dad, let’s blow it up.

(They go into the bathroom, which they turn into a darkroom. Greg re-develops the picture.)

Greg: Hmm, you still can’t tell if this foot’s inbounds.

Mike: Blow it up some more.

(Greg develops it again.)

Mike: Aw, there’s no doubt about it, Greg. He was inbounds.

Greg: Boy, I bet the coach would love to see this. Can I borrow the car, Dad?

Mike: Come on, I’ll drive over with you.

Greg: Okay.

(The next scene has Greg and Mike returning. Carol greets them in the kitchen.)

Carol: Well, Greg, what did the coach say? Is your team gonna win now?

Greg: Ah, it’s pretty hard to challenge a judgment call, Mom. But I think it’ll give the coach some good ammunition to fight with.

Mike: Yeah, he was pleased about the picture. But go ahead and tell your Mom the real news.

Carol: The real news?

Greg: Well, Mom, I’m back on the team?

Carol: You’re what?

Greg: As official photographer.

Mike (laughing): Greg’s gonna photograph the games so the coach and team can study it later.

Greg: Yeah, I get a movie camera, a press pass, the whole works.

Carol: Well, thank goodness, that way you won’t get hurt.

Greg: Unless…

Carol: Unless what?

Greg: Unless I get a broken eyelash through the view finder.

Carol: Unless I break something else first!

(Mike and Greg laugh as the scene fades.)

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(The final scene has Alice trying to figure out the recipe to her cake, but without any luck. Greg is sitting down drinking milk.)

Alice: It’s no use. It’s lost forever.

Greg: Hang in there, Alice.

(Bobby comes in with his camera.)

Bobby: Hey, Greg, here’s the picture I took of Alice. Is it okay?

Greg (laughing): That is funny. Alice, you should see the expression on your face.

Bobby: Better not show it to her, she won’t like it.

Alice: Uh, let me see that, young man.

Bobby: Promise you won’t get mad?

Alice: I promise, but I don’t promise to keep the promise. (She takes one look at the picture) Bobby!

Bobby: You’re mad.

Alice: I’m not! I love it! It’s the best picture you ever took in your life!

Bobby: It is?

Alice: Well, not of me. But you got a picture of my secret recipe on the blackboard in the background!

(She gives him a big hug and gets ecstatic that she can see every ingredient.)

                                THE END

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S3 E10 Her Sister’s Shadow

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Her Sister’s Shadow

Written by Al Schwartz and Ray Singer

Jan gets jealous of Marcia’s trophies and overachievements so she tries to find something else to succeed at. I hope you enjoy the script.











MRS. WATSON, Jan’s teacher



KATIE, Jan’s friend

(The episode begins in Jna’s classroom, with her and her classmates handing in an essay to their teacher, Mrs. Watson.)

Jan: Here’s my essay, Mrs. Watson.

Mrs. Watson: Thank you. Oh, what a splendid title, Jan. What America means to me.

Jan: I hope the judges like it.

Mrs. Watson: I hope so, too. Incidentally, I’m very pleased with the way your work has been improving, Jan.

Jan: Thank you.

Mrs. Watson: Of course, I always expect great things from a Brady. Your sister Marcia was one of the best students I ever had.

Jan: I know, you told me.

Mrs. Watson: And I’m sure that if you try hard enough, you can do as well as your sister.

Jan: Thank you, I’ll see you tomorrow.

(She starts to leave and then Marcia comes in.)

Marcia: Hi, Jan.

Jan: Hi, Marcia.

Marcia: Hello Mrs. Watson.

Mrs. Watson: Oh, Marcia, we were just talking about you.

Jan: Yeah.

(She walks out the door.)

Marcia: Hey, wait a minute. I stopped by to walk home with you.

Jan: I think I can do that all by myself.

Marcia (to himself): Gee, I wonder what’s bugging her.

(Back at the house, Jan goes upstairs to her room, and, in a fit of jealousy, takes all of Marcia’s awards and trophies and puts them in the closet.)

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(The next scene has Marcia coming home. She notices all her awards missing.)

Marcia: Mother! Mom!

(She rushes into Carol’s room.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Marcia: Mom, have you seen my awards? They’re not on my shelf.

Carol: No, I haven’t.

Marcia: Well, they were there when I left for school this morning.

Carol: Well, maybe Alice took them down to dust them.

(She runs down the stairs to Alice, who is cleaning out the stove.)

Marcia: Alice.

Alice: Oh, yeah?

Marcia: Did you take my awards down to dust?

Alice: No, I didn’t, Marcia. They were in their usual place when I cleaned this morning.

Marcia: Well, they’re not there now.

Alice: You’ll find them, sweetie.

Marcia: My whole lifetime of achievements were on that shelf. all my years of hard work. All my awards. Gone, gone, gone.

Alice: And you never got a dramatic award?

Marcia: Alice, it isn’t funny.

Alice: Well, they’ve got to be around somewhere, honey. What about the boys? Maybe they’re pulling one of their jokes.

Marcia (bitterly): The boys. They sure do have a dumb sense of humor.

(Outside, the boys are playing basketball.)

Greg (to Peter): You missed again. (He grabs the ball) Watch the master show you how to do it.

(He takes a shot but misses also.)

Peter: I can do that without being a master.

(Bobby grabs the ball.)

Bobby: Watch me you guys. (He takes a shot and makes a dunk) Any questions?

9Peter gets a dunk after standing too close to the basket.)

Marcia: All right, you guys! Which one of you took them?

Peter: Took what?

Marcia: You know what!

Greg: Marcia, we didn’t take anything. And we’re trying to play ball.

Bobby: They’re just trying, I know how.

(Greg takes a shot and misses. Marcia grabs the ball.)

Peter: Hey, give me it!

Marcia: Nobody gets the ball until I get a straight answer.

(Mike comes driving in and sees the arguing. He parks and then goes to intervene.)

Mike: Hey, what’s all the yelling about, huh?

Bobby: She stole our ball.

Marcia: I’m just trying to find out what they did with my school awards. They took them from my room.

Greg: We did not! At least I didn’t.

Peter: Me neither. I wouldn’t touch them.

Bobby: I can’t even reach them.

Mike (disbelieving): Fellas, let’s stop kidding around, huh.

Greg: Honest Dad, I didn’t lay a hand on them.

Peter: Me neither.

Bobby: I’m too short.

Marcia: Well somebody took them. Mom hasn’t seen them and neither has Alice.

Mike: All right, honey, don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll find them.

(He takes the ball and successfully takes a shot. He and Marcia go inside and see Carol.)

Carol: Marcia, were the boys responsible for the missing awards?

Marcia: Well, they said they weren’t.

(Cindy comes in with the awards.)

Cindy: Marcia, if you’re through with these, can I have them?

Marcia (pleased): Where did you find my awards, Cindy?

Cindy: In the closet in our room.

Marcia: The closet?

Carol: What on earth were they doing there?

Cindy: Hey, I could scratch your name off, Marcia, and put mine on it.

Marcia: Sorry, Cindy.

Cindy (looking one award over): Cindy Brady, class president. Hey, that would be really neat.

Marcia: I wonder how they got in the closet. (Mike and carol shrug in ignorance) Thanks for finding them, Cindy.

Cindy: You’re welcome.

(She runs out of the family room. Marcia takes her awards and puts them back where she had them.)

Carol: I wonder who could’ve done that, Mike.

Mike: I don’t know, honey. Everybody’s denied it, I guess except one person, Jan.

Carol: But why would Jan do it?

Mike: That’s a good question.

(We next see Marcia in her room cleaning off the awards and Jan comes in.)

Marcia: Jan, did you put those awards of mine in the closet?

Jan: What if I did?

Marcia: Well, why would you do a thing like that?

Jan (petulantly): Because I felt like it, that’s why.

Marcia: What kind of dumb reason is that? I want to know why you did it.

Jan: It’s none of your business.

(She leaves the room.)

Marcia (angry): Jan, wait a minute!

Jan: I don’t care to discuss it!

Marcia: Come back here!

(Mike and Carol overhear the argument from the den. They come outside and see Jan coming down the stairs, still arguing with Marcia.)

Jan: I don’t have to tell you anything! (She comes down the stairs and sees Carol) Oh, hi!

Carol: What’s all the yelling up there? What’s wrong?

Jan: Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.

Carol: Uh-huh. That’s the kind of nothing that bothers me the most.

(They go into the den to discuss the matter with Mike>0

Jan: I didn’t hurt the awards. Marcia always makes such a big deal out of everything.

Mike: Jan, if those had been your awards, and Marcia had dumped them somewhere, wouldn’t you be upset, too?

Jan: I guess. But every time Marcia turns around, they hand her a blue ribbon or something.

Carol: Oh now, Jan, you know that isn’t so. Marcia worked very hard for those things.

Jan: Well, all I hear all day long at school is how great Marcia is at this, or how wonderful Marcia did that. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Carol: Now, sweetheart.

Jan: All those awards staring me in the face was too much. I’m tired of being in Marcia’s shadow all the time.

Carol: Now, Jan, you’re not in anybody’s shadow. Well, Marcia’s three years older than you. She should have more to show for herself.

Jan: Maybe, but everything comes so easy for her.

Mike: Oh Jan, come on. You have to be realistic all the time. Nobody, nobody has smooth sailing all the time.

Carol; Well, that’s right. Marcia has her disappointments, too. She doesn’t always win.

(Marcia comes in.)

Marcia (excited): You’ll never guess what! I just got a call from the school! I’ve been made editor of the school newspaper!

(Mike, Carol and Jan look like they don’t know how to respond.0

Mike: That’s fine, honey.

Carol: That’s great, Marcia.

Marcia: I’ve got to call Jennifer. She’ll just flip!

(She leaves the den.)

Jan: See what I mean? She wants to be editor, boom, she’s editor.

Carol: Jan, you’re really not being fair. You know that Marcia’s been working on that for months. Look, honey, if you really feel you’re in your sister’s shadow, do something about it. Get out and develop your own talent.

Mike: That’s right, Jan. Some of us are good at one thing and some of us are good at another.

Carol: It’s like your father and I always say, find out what you do best, and do your best with it.

Jan: Maybe you’re right, but what can I do best?

Mike: Well, if you keep your eyes open, I’ll bet you something will present itself.

(The next day, jan and her friend Katie notice they have pom-pom tryouts on the bulletin board.)

Jan: This is the opportunity I’ve been waiting for, Katie.

Katie: Hey, I think I’ll try out for pom-pom girl, too.

Jan: I’m going to start practicing right after school. That’s one thing my sister’s never done, been a pom-pom girl.

Katie: Oh, you have one of those sisters, too?

Jan: Have I ever. But I’ll show her.

(The scene fades.)

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(The next scene has Alice in the kitchen cutting up newspaper for Jan to practice with. Greg and bobby come in and notice what she’s doing.)

Greg: Alice, the news can’t be all that bad.

Alice: Well, you know what they say, no news is good news.

Bobby: What are yo cutting up the papers for?

Alice: I’m not cutting up papers. I am creating.

Greg: Creating? Creating what?

Alice: Pom-poms. Jan wants to join a pom-pom squad at school. She wants to practice, so I am creating pom-poms.

Greg: Oh now, I get it. The strips of paper, you tie them to the spoons and pom-poms.

Alice: Oh, well, now that you’ve got the idea in your heads, how about a little help.

Bobby: Sure.

(He and Greg assist Alice in cutting up papers and making new pom-poms.)

Bobby: This is fun.

Greg: You know pom-pom girls are really important. last year our team was terrible, but the cheers were great.

Alice: Yeah, like what, for instance?

(Greg gets up and demonstrates a cheer.)

Greg: Hey, hey, what do you say, who’s gonna win the game today? I say, ho, ho, what do you know? the score we got is gonna grow. I say, hey, hey, ho, ho, come on team, let’s go, go, go!

Bobby: Hey, that’s great, go, go, go!

Alice: Well, I hate to say it fellows, but I think we did it better in my day.

Greg: oh yeah, like what?

(Alice gets up and performs an old cheer from her high school days.)

Alice: Popcorn, peanuts, onion soup! We want a touchdown, boop boop a doop!

Greg: Boop boop a doop? I think that’s a little old fashioned, Alice.

Alice: Well, in my day, it was as right on as heavy man is today.

Bobby: Hey, I heard a great cheer at Peter’s basketball game the other day. But I need some help from you guys, okay?

Alice: Okay.

Greg; Sure.

(Now, it’s Bobby’s turn to recite a cheer.)

Bobby: Give me a B!

Alice and Greg: B!

Bobby: Give me another B!

Alice and Greg: B!

Bobby: Give me another B!

Alice and Greg: B!

Bobby: What does it spell? (Alice and Greg don’t answer) What does it spell?

Greg: What does it spell?

Bobby: B-B-B-B-B

Greg: That was really a great one, Bobby.

Alice (finishing): Hey, here they are. They’re finished. How do they look?

Greg: Great!

Bobby: Why don’t you use them.

(She gets up to try them out but as soon as she does, they fall apart.)

(Next, Jan goes outside with Cindy to start practicing. Cindy sets down a radio with mood music. Cindy sets it down as Jan gets warmed up.)

Cindy: Can I turn it on?

Jan: No, I better limber up first.

Cindy: How can you practice being a pom-pom girl without any pom-poms?

Jan: Alice is making me some.

(She starts to practice kicking but accidentally kicked her shoe off. Carol catches it.)

Carol (coming outside): Well, I heard of flying saucers, but shoes?

Jan: I was just warming up, Mom.

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: Anyone for pom-poms?

Jan: They look like mops, Alice.

Alice: Well, when they’re down here, they’re mops. When they’re up here, they’re pom-poms.

Carol: Alice!

Alice: It’s the best I could do in short notice.

(She hands them to Jan.)

Jan: Thanks, Alice.

Carol: Well, come on, honey, let’s see you do your stuff.

Jan: okay, Cindy, now.

(Cindy turns on the radio and Jan starts to practice to the tune of the Washington Post March. Mike and Marcia notice her from inside.)

Mike: Well, she’s certainly working hard at it.

Marcia: I sure hope she makes it, Dad.

Mike: Yeah.

Marcia: Hey, maybe I could give Jan a few pointers and show her some steps I learned when I was trying out for pom-pom girl.

Mike: Marcia, now, I know you want to be helpful, but I think under the circumstances, you better not, hmmm?

Marcia: Yeah, I’m the last person she’d want help from. But I sure am rooting for her.

Mike: Well, I think she’d like to know that. Why don’t you tell her.

Marcia: I sure will.

(Jan finishes and the music stops.)

Carol: Oh, hey., that’s good.

Jan: Oh, thanks.

Carol: Hey, you’ve been working.

Jan: Yeah, but I still have to practice a whole lot.

Carol: oh, that’s okay.

(Jan is later in her room and Marcia comes in to offer her support.)

Marcia: Jan.

Jan: Yeah.

Marcia: I was watching you rehearse before. I just want you to know I think you’re doing great.

Jan: You really do, Marcia?

Marcia: You might even be chosen to be the leader, Miss Pom-pom.

Jan: Wow, thanks.

Marcia: Well, I just wanted you to know how I felt. That’s all.

Jan: That means a lot to me,. Marcia.

9The next scene has Jan practicing some more.)

Jan (to Cindy): It’s really hard to do it by myself. There’s supposed to be three other girls.

(peter and Bobby come over and teasingly pretend to danc ein the background.)

Jan: What do you think you’re doing?

Peter: We’re just trying to help.

Bobby: That’s all.

Carol: Hey, that’s a great idea. Bobby, you get over there and Peter, you stand right there. Jan could use some help.

Alice: Oh, yes, you boys will make lovely pom-pom girls.

Peter: I’m not gonna be any pom-pom girl.

Bobby: I’m not even gonna be a pom-pom boy.

Jan (to Carol and Alice): I really could use some help.

Carol: Well, I’ll lend a leg. I once won a twist contest.

Alice: Oh, and I may have one good kick left.

(They get up and join Jan.)

Carol: Okay, now what do we do?

Jan: This is a different one. Okay, so we go right, left, right, kick. Left, right, left, kick.

Carol: Come on, Alice, get up there.

Alice: Woo. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

(She feels pain in her back.)

Carol: What’s the matter?

Alice: That’s my two way stretch. I think it just went three ways.

(She walks away in agony. the next day, tryouts are being held in Jan’s school. They show a girl trying out very energetically.)

Teacher: thank you, that was very nice. The last girl up is Jan Brady. Ready, Jan?

Jan: Yes, ma’am.

(Jan gets up to try out while Marcia looks on behind the stage.)

Teacher: Thank you, Jan.

(Jan sits down with the other girl while the teacher and the other judges tally up their scores.)

Teacher (standing up): You were all wonderful, girls. But as you know, we only need four pom-pom girls. And the ones we selected to represent the school this year are, Gloria Harper, Katie Rand, Judy Smith and Laura Richmond. Thank you, girls, that’s all for today.

(A disappointed Jan gets up and leaves while Marcia looks on unhappily. Back at home, Marcia tells the parents what happened.)

Marcia: I anted to go over to try to cheer Jan up, but I thought I’d just make her feel more upset.

Mike: Jan wanted that so badly, too.

Carol: She worked so hard for it.

Marcia: If there was any way I thought I could make her feel better, I’d gladly give back all my awards.

Mike: Well, when she gets home, let’s not bring up that pom-pom thing. If she wants to talk about it, she will.

Marcia: I doubt it, she’s absolutely miserable.

(Jan comes in.)

Jan (excited): Hi, have I got terrific news!

Carol: You made the pom-pom team!

Jan: No, better! Remember my essay on Americanism? It won the contest! I finished the first in the whole school!

Carol: Oh, that’s wonderful!

Mike: That’s great!

Marcia: Sensational!

Jan: After I bombed out at the pom-pom trials, Mrs. Watson was waiting to tell me. My essay won 98 out of a possible 100 points.

Mike (pleased): 98?

Jan: Yes! the highest anybody ever got. The closest was Nora Cooms with 95.

Carol: Oh, Jan, we’re so proud of you.

Jan: Monday morning at the assembly, in front of the whole student body, I’m going to be presented with  a certificate in the Honor Society.

Marcia: Oh, I’ll make that the headline story in the school newspaper. (she mimics her voice to sound like a reporter) Tell me, Ms. Brady, how does it feel to be a celebrity?

Jan: No different darling, I’m so used to it, I’ve been one for almost an hour.

Marcia (to Carol): As the mother of a celebrity, Mrs. Brady, would you care to tell us anything about her childhood?

Carol: Oh, yes, I’d love to. Well, you know, she was always a genius. She learned to say Mommy and Daddy before she was six years old.

Marcia: One more question, please.

Jan: Sorry miss, I cannot go on any longer, it’s been a most exhausting day.

(She leaves and goes upstairs.)

Carol: Well, everything is back to normal.

(upstairs, Jan is going over her essay.)

Jan: Finally, I did it. Something Marcia has never done in her whole life. (She kisses the folder her essay is in) 98 points. (She tallies up her score) Spelling 15, Grammar 14, Neatness 14, Originality of idea, 15, Composition 15, Presentation 10, Literary style 10. (She realizes a mistake) That only adds up to 93 (she checks again) it is only 93. (She gets shocked) I didn’t win, Nora Cooms did.

(Jan’s conscience starts to speak.)

Jan’s conscience: Jan, everybody thinks you won.

Jan: But I didn’t.

Jan’s conscience: Nobody but you and I know that. We’re not going to tell, are we?

Jan: How can I take an hour I haven’t earned?

Jan’s conscience: Listen, they owe it to you. You should have been a pom-pom girl, you were the best one there.

(Alice comes in.)

Alice: Ta-da-da-da-da-da! Congratulations, honor society woman of the year. (She hugs her) I’m going to bake you a cake the size of Mount Rushmore but much sweeter.

(The other kids come in. They all congratulate her and Greg picks her up and gives her a bear hug. They notice her folder with the essay.)

Greg: Hey, is this it?

Jan: Yes, that’s it.

(Greg tries to look at it but Jan stops him.)

Greg: I’m not going to steal it! I just want to see your terrific score.

Jan: But I don’t want you to smudge it or anything.

Cindy: 98, wow, I hope I grow up to be as smart as you.

Bobby: Yeah, you could use it.

(Cindy gives him a dirty look.)

Greg: Well, congratulations again, Jan.

(They all leave. Jan stays in there and ponders. She looks at Marcia’s awards again. her conscience starts to speak up again.)

Jan’s conscience: You finally did something Marcia never did. you’re not going to throw that away, are you?

Jan: I guess everybody would be awfully disappointed.

Jan’s conscience: Your mother and father would be crushed. You can’t let them down. Besides, you have it coming to you.

(The next scene is back at Jan’s school. The honor assembly is ready to present Jan with her award.)

Principal: I’m happy to say that the PTA Bazaar raised 87 dollars for the student activity fund. The dramatic society’s annual play will be postponed one week. The lab schedule for science 9B will be posted on the bulletin board tomorrow. And any students wishing to volunteer for cleanup week kindly give their names to Mrs. Atterbury.

(Mike and Carol are standing backstage.)

Carol (to Mike): Proud?

Mike (jokingly0: nah.

(She nudges him.)

Principal: Now I’m going to turn over the microphone to Mrs. Watson who has a very important announcement to make regarding the honor society award. Mrs. Watson.

(The audience claps as the teacher goes to speak.)

Mrs. Watson: As you all know, this is the time of year when the students compete for a place in the honor society.

Jan (rushing up to her): Wait, Mrs. Watson.

(She whispers in he rear and shows her the mistake on her essay. Mrs. Watson hugs her and she goes off the stage.)

Mrs. Watson: The announcement I was about to make has to be changed. I just learned that an error was made in scoring the essay contest. (Mike, Carol and the audience are in shock) The winner of the Honor Society Award is not Jan Brady. it is Nora Cooms, with a score of 95. (Another shocked reaction from everyone) We will present Nora’s award at the assembly next week, so her parents can be present. I wish I had a special award for Jan Brady for calling this error to my attention. She has today set a standard of sportsmanship and honesty that truly gives meaning to the words honor society. I’m sure Jan’s parents are very proud of her. (Pause) Her behavior today should be an example to all of us.

(The audience claps. Jan is backstage talking to her parents.)

Jan: And I wanted to win at something so badly, I didn’t know what to do.

Carol: Well, Jan, sometimes when we lose, we win.

(She hugs her. Jan is in her room at home with Marcia.)

Marcia: You really created a sensation yesterday, Jan.

Jan: Oh.

Marcia: Yeah. My room was still buzzing about it today.

Jan: Oh, thanks.

(Cindy came in the room unhappy.)

Cindy: Hi.

Jan: Hi. What’s the matter with you?

Cindy: You’re the matter with me.

Jan: What do you mean?

Cindy: They changed my room in school today. I got one of your old teachers.

Jan: So what?

Cindy: She heard about what you did. Now all I hear all day is what a great sister I have. Jan, Jan, Jan.

(Jan gives a meek but proud grin.)

Marcia: Look, Cindy, some of us are good at one thing, and some of us are good at another.

Jan: That’s right. So find out what you do best and do your best with it.

Cindy: It isn’t going to be easy.

Jan: Why not?

Cindy: I’m good at so many different things.

(Marcia and Jan laugh. The scene fades.)

images marcia cheers for jan

(The final scene has Alice in the family room. Greg comes in.)

Alice: Hi, there.

Greg: Hey, you’re sure in a good mood.

Alice: Yes I am, and it’s all thanks to you.

Greg: Me? What did I do?

Alice: Well, you cut my housework in half.

Greg: How did I do that?

Alice: By teaching me all those cheers. Now, you know the way I usually dust? You know, like this? (She shows him) Pretty dull work, right?

Greg: I guess so.

Alice: Well, now, thanks to you, rickety rack, rickety rust, give it a flick and away goes the rust.

(She continues to dust the fast way and then starts dusting Greg playfully.)

                                          THE END

untitled composition

S3 E9 The Private Ear

untitled peter

The Private Ear

Written by Michael Morris

Peter uses Mike’s tape recorder to listen to other people’s conversations. Things get out of hand when the kids start arguing with each other. Hope you enjoy the script.












(The episode begins with Marcia walking in the house in a daze. When she gets halfway up the stairs, she decides to run up to her room, where she sees Jan.)

Jan: Hi.

Marcia: Hi. (She moves a little closer) Jan, the truth, do you see anything different about me?

Jan (checking her over): Your right eye looks bloodshot.

Marcia: I mean my expression.

Jan: No.

Marcia: Oh, good! I thought the whole world could see it.

(She sits on her bed and Jan comes up to her.)

Jan: Well, let me look again.

Marcia: Jan, can you keep a secret?

Jan: Sure.

Marcia: You have to give me your solemn promise.

Jan (raising her right hand): My solemn word.

Marcia: I’m in love.

Jan: Wow! Who is it this time?

Marcia: What do you mean this time? the others were just school girl crushes.

Jan: Is there a difference?

Marcia: Is there a difference? Is there a difference between a shooting star and a firecracker?

Jan: Who is he?

Marcia: Andrew Winicker.

Jan: Is he gorgeous?

Marcia: Well, he will be once his complexion clears up. I’m so happy, and I’m miserable.

Jan: How can you be both?

Marcia: It’s easy when you’re in love.

Jan: If that’s love, I’d rather have the measles. I’m gonna go down for some milk.

Marcia: Hey, remember, you swore not to tell anybody.

Jan: I couldn’t even explain it.

(The girls leave the room, as Peter enters through the bathroom. He grabs a tape recorder hidden under the bed. He plays back the conversation between Marcia and Jan. The scene fades out.)

untitled tape recorder

(In the next scene, Marcia is in the living room studying. Peter comes in whistling, then he goes up to Marcia and checks her over.)

Marcia: What are you doing?

Peter: Nothing.

(He pulls up a chair.)

Marcia: You’re not just doing nothing, you’re staring at me. Why are you staring at me?

Peter: You, you look different.

Marcia: What do you mean different?

Peter: It’s, it’s hard to explain. It’s like, you’re happy and miserable at the same time.

Marcia (suspicious): Peter Brady, you know something.

Peter: Not me. (He gets up) I don’t even know the difference between a shooting star and a firecracker.

Marcia (getting up): You do know!

Peter: Know what?

Marcia: You know what what. (to herself) Jan! Jan! (He runs in the kitchen, where Jan is having milk and cookies) You told Jan, you told.

Jan: What did I tell?

Marcia: You know what you told.

Jan: I did not, I didn’t say a thing.

Alice: Well, not to me, she didn’t. Hasn’t opened her mouth except to gobble cookies.

Jan: Who do you think I told?

Marcia: You know who, and you know what, and about you know whom. Now it will be all over you know where, and I’ll die of humiliation.

Jan: Well, whoever it is, they didn’t find out from me.

Alice: Why don’t you tell you know who what’s what, and maybe we can work it out.

Marcia: If you can’t trust your own sister to keep a solemn promise, you can’t trust anyone!

Jan: Look Marcia, I promised not to, and I didn’t!

Marcia: How could you look me straight me in the eye and tell me an outright fib? Jan, this is the end of our sisterhood!

Jan: I didn’t tell, honest I didn’t!

(They leave the kitchen and Carol comes in.)

Carol (to Alice): What in the world was all that shouting about?

Alice: Well, just a little disagreement, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: About what?

Alice: Well, it seems that Marcia accused Jan of telling you know who about you know whom, and pretty soon you will be over you know what.

Carol: Alice, I want to thank you for clearing that up for me.

Alice: Anytime.

(The next scene has Greg in his bedroom fixing a clock. Peter comes in.)

Peter: What are you doing?

Greg: What does it look like I’m doing?

Peter: Fixing a clock.

Greg: Gee, how did you ever figure that out?

Peter: Boy, you sure are edgy today.

Greg: I’m always edgy when people are breathing down my neck.

Peter: Sorry, I can’t inhale all the time.

Marcia (entering the room): Greg.

Greg: Yeah.

Marcia: Did you want to see me?

Greg: Yeah. Pete, will you get lost? I have something important to discuss with Marcia. It’s private.

Peter: Sure, I know when I’m not wanted.

(He leaves but gets down on the floor.)

Greg: What are you doing?

Peter: I dropped something, I want to pick it up, do you mind?

Greg: well, hurry up.

(He turns the tape recorder on and gets up.)

Peter: Have a nice talk.

Greg: Marcia, can I trust you to keep a secret?

Marcia: My word, unlike some people’s, is as good as gold.

Greg: I’m in kind of a jam. (He gets up from his chair) And if  Mom and Dad find out about it, I’d get one of those lectures which I probably deserve, but which I’m not in the mood for at the moment.

Marcia: What did you do?

Greg: Last year I had an assignment in English class to read the Red Badge of Courage. I got it out of the library, and read it, and then forgot it.

Marcia: Yeah, some books are like that. They just don’t stay with you.

Greg: What I mean is, I forgot to return the book to the library.

Marcia: You mean it was overdue?

Greg: 40 weeks. The fine was like the national debt, wiped me out.

Marcia: I don’t see why Mom and Dad should get so mad. Forgetting to return a library book can happen to anybody.

Greg: Yeah, well, this is my 3rd offense this term. So I’d rather not ask Dad for an advance on my allowance. If you could lend me enough for lunch money, I’d sure appreciate it.

Marcia: okay, I’ll lend you the money.

Greg: Thanks, Marcia, and mum’s the word.

Marcia: mum’s the word.

(The next scene has Greg playing basketball and Peter pestering him.)

Peter: Read any good books lately?

Greg: Why did you bring that up all of a sudden?

Peter: No reason. Just making conversation. (He throws the ball to him) How about last year? Read any good books last year?

Greg: I don’t remember.

(He takes another shot.)

Peter: Some older brother you are. You’re supposed to set a good example, so I don’t end up reading trash.

Greg: Read war and Peace.

Peter (throwing the ball to him): How about the Red Badge of Courage?

(Greg balks at taking a shot.)

Greg: How about the Red Badge of courage?

Peter: I heard it was great. It must be, because when I went down to the library to get it, the librarian said it was out, and hadn’t been returned in almost a year.

Greg (fuming): Marcia!

(Peter runs off and Marcia comes out.)

Marcia: Did you want me?

Greg: Maybe for the last time in my life!

Marcia (surprised): What’s that supposed to mean?

Greg: You told Peter and don’t deny it!

Marcia: I didn’t tell him a thing!

Greg; So you told somebody who told Peter!

Marcia: I didn’t tell anybody!

Greg: Then how did he find out?

Marcia: I don’t know, maybe he’s got ESP.

Greg: ESP, Marcia, don’t just sit there and deny it!

(Mike comes home, parks the car and tries to intervene.)

Mike: Hey, hey, hey, what are you kids arguing about?

Greg: Dad, this is kind of private.

Mike: Oh, well, in that case, have a nice argument.

Marcia: I didn’t tell him a thing!

(Carol is upstairs in the bedroom when Mike comes in.)

Mike: Hey, sweetheart.

Carol: Hi, honey.

(They kiss.)

Mike: When did the rummage sale start?

Carol: I was just checking my old ski clothes for the weekend, but the moths beat me to it.

Mike: Then you can use a new ski thing, guaranteed off limits for months.

(He hands her a gift.)

Carol: Oh, Mike! (She kisses him) Thank you. Oh, my goodness. What brought this on? (She opens it and it’s a new ski sweater) Oh, Mike, it’s lovely.

Mike: It’ll be even lovelier when it’s filled. (He gives her another kiss) How was your day?

Carol: Oh, the usual. Marcia and Jan are still feuding.

Mike: That’s funny. Marcia and Greg were just fussing and feuding too. What’s it all about?

Carol: I haven’t a clue.

(The next scene has Bobby and Cindy arguing over something as well in the family room.)

Bobby: You did.

Cindy: I didn’t.

Bobby: You did too.

Cindy: I did not.

(Greg comes in.)

Greg: Hey, what are you two arguing about?

Bobby: Well, you might as well know, she told everybody else. I got called to the principal’s office for chewing gum in class.

Greg: That’s not exactly the crime of the century.

Bobby: Well, just the same, a secret’s a secret.

Cindy: I did not say a word.

(Greg decides to walk away and Alice comes in.)

Alice: Anyone for dinner?

Bobby: If I wanted to tell you know who about you know what, I would have told you know who myself.

(They both go to dinner.)

Alice: Seems to me I’ve heard that song before.

(During dinner, Mike and carol notice the kids eating their dinner without speaking to each other.)

Carol: What is this, a silent contest?

Mike: If silence is golden, this must be worth a fortune.

(Carol laughs. When the kids continue their silence, Mike clinks on his glass for attention.)

Mike: Okay, kids, that’s it. You are all released from your vow of silence and I want to hear a little conversation and not about the weather.

Marcia: Well, I confided something in Jan, and she told it to everybody.

Jan: You accused me of being a stool pigeon.

Greg: You can’t trust anybody, Dad.

Bobby: It kinda makes you mad when your own sister rats on you.

Cindy: I didn’t rat on you.

(They continue to argue with each other while Peter eats his dinner like nothing was going on. Carol and Mike notice this and they bring him to the den after for a talk.)

Mike: Guess you’re wondering why we’ve asked you to this private caucus.

Peter: It kinda entered my mind.

Mike: From what we’ve been able to learn, there’s a security leak in the Brady administration. You seem to come off as Mr. Know-it-all.  Any explanations?

Peter: Gee, I didn’t think it would turn out like this.

Carol: You didn’t think what would turn out like what?

Peter: Well (Pause) I kinda bugged the rooms with Dad’s tape recorder.

Mike (shocked): You kind of what?

Carol: Peter, why would you do a thing like that?

Peter: I only did it for a joke.

Mike: You think eavesdropping on other people’s private conversations is a joke?

Peter: I meant it to be.

Mike: Son, invasion of privacy is a serious offense. People can be sued for that.

Peter: You mean my own brothers and sisters are going to sue me?

Carol: Well, since this is your first offense, I think they might settle for an apology.

Mike: immediately!

(Peter leaves and apologizes to the other kids in the next scene in the family room.)

Peter: So, I’m sorry. What I did was dumb and stupid, but I really didn’t mean any harm. So I’d appreciate it if you’d just forgive me, okay?

(All the kids forgive him and  apologize to each other for their accusations. They leave the family room except for Greg and Marcia.)

Greg: He’s getting away with murder. All he has to do is apologize.

Marcia: I know. What kind of punishment is that?

Greg; None. He’ll just do it again.

Marcia: He probably will. But, there’s nothing we can do it.

Greg (coming up with an idea): Wait, maybe there is.

Marcia: What?

Greg: Give him a taste of his own medicine. I mean, if Peter is so crazy about listening to other people’s conversations on the tape recorder, why not give him something to really  listen to.

(Marcia smiles in agreement as the scene fades.)

untitled mr. know it all

(The next scene has Greg and Marcia in her bedroom with the tape recorder. They’re about to record a conversation.)

Greg: Okay, let’s give that private ear something he’ll really enjoy listening to.

Marcia: Yeah.

Greg: You know what to say now?

Marcia: Yeah. I’d love to see Peter’s face when he hears this.

(Greg starts to record.)

Greg: Boy, that Peter’s a lucky son-of-a-gun, isn’t he, Marcia?

Marcia: Whatever do you mean, Gregory?

Greg (frustrated): Cut! Erase! What is this whatever do you mean Gregory stuff?

Marcia: That’s what I’m supposed to say.

Greg: Yeah, but not like you’re the Queen of England. Be yourself, okay?

Marcia: Okay.

Greg: Boy, that Peter’s a lucky son-of-a-gun, isn’t he, Marcia/

Marcia: What do you mean, Greg?

Greg: I mean, Mom and Dad are throwing Peter a surprise party.

Marcia: Are they really going to?

Greg: Sure, and he deserves it. I mean, Peter has been failing geometry all year and then, bang, he buckles down and brings home an A. Mom and Dad are so proud they had to do something for him.

Marcia: We should too. Are you going to get him a present?

Greg: I sure am, something special.

Marcia: We should all get him presents. I just hope he doesn’t find out.

Greg: Not a chance! Mom and Dad have worked it out great. They’re going to pretend to drive away on their skiing trip Friday. But they’re really going to come back for the party.

Marcia: Gee, that’s terrific. Boy, will peter be surprised.

(The next scene has Peter in his room, and Greg comes in with the recorder.)

Greg: Okay, Mr. Big Ears, what’s the big idea?

Peter: Huh?

Greg: Don’t give me that innocent jazz. Haven’t you learned your lesson yet?

Peter: What did I do?

Greg: Marcia found this under her desk and it was going.

Peter: Well, I didn’t put it there.

Greg: Sure you didn’t. Now, put it back in Dad’s den where it belongs, and don’t let me catch you using it again.

(He leaves the room.)

Peter (yelling): Boy, you’re sure not the forgiving type, are you? (to himself) what’s that all about?

(He takes the recorder, shuts the door and listens. The tape plays back the conversation between them while Greg and Marcia listen from the hallway in triumph.)

(Next, Peter is in the kitchen peeling potatoes, much to Alice’s surprise.)

Peter: You keep looking at me kind of funny, am I doing it wrong?

Alice: The raised eyebrows are not for how you’re doing it, but why you’re doing it.

Peter: Well, I just think a person should help another person whenever he can, that’s all. Like, I loaned my baseball mitt to a friend who lost his. The only trouble is, now I don’t have one. I sure could use a new baseball mitt.

(Carol comes in the kitchen with a ski outfit.)

Carol: Hi everybody. Well, Alice, what do you think?

Alice: If you’re not crowned snow queen, Mrs. Brady, the fix is in.

Peter: You look terrific, Mom.

Carol: Thank you very much.

Peter: Hope you have a great time at the ski lodge.

(He laughs.)

Carol: What’s so funny?

Peter: Nothing.

Carol: Well, I had these ski pants for years. I’m surprised they still fit.

Alice: Well, you watch your figure, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Yeah.

Alice: I watch mine, too, and it’s done some things that have shocked me.

Peter: My only problem is that I’m still growing. (He gets up and puts the potatoes on the counter) Like last year, my feet were too small for cowboy boots. Now they’re just right. Especially brown cowboy boots. Well, I guess I’ll be moseying along.

(He leaves the kitchen.)

Carol: Brown cowboy boots. (She laughs) I know a hint when I hear one.

Alice: He’s also shy one baseball mitt.

Carol: But his birthday isn’t for months.

Alice: I guess he figures, shop early, avoid the rush.

(We next see Mike in his den, working on his typewriter.)

Mike (to himself): Now, what’s the matter with that thing?

(Peter comes in.)

Peter: Dad?

Mike: Yes?

Peter: I finished waxing the car. Anything else I can do?

Mike: Waxing my car, how come?

Peter: Well, all the pollution air can really ruin the paint. If there’s nothing else, I guess I’ll mow the lawn.

Mike: It’s night. And I doubt if the grass has grown very much since you mowed it this morning. You certainly are ambitious today, Peter.

Peter: I guess I’m just in a working mood. Need a hand with the typewriter?

Mike: No, I think it’s had it. This carriage is in the last stage of rigor mortis. The tab key isn’t too well either.

Peter: it would be neat if we had a new typewriter. I know if I had a typewriter then you could use it. Everybody could. A typewriter could really help with my schoolwork. a typewriter is something a guy can really use.

(Mike gives peter a shocked look. Next, Marcia and Greg are playing chess in the family room and Peter comes in.)

Peter: Hi.

Marcia: Hi.

Greg: Hi, Pete.

Peter: Anything I can do for you guys?

Marcia: No, thanks.

Greg: Me either.

Peter: Well, if you need anything, just holler, but holler loud, because I’ll be up in my room listening to records.

Greg: It won’t bother us.

Peter: It might, because my records are kind of scratchy and warped. I really need some new records. Yes, sir, I could really dig some new records. Bye.

(He leaves and Greg and Marcia gloat.)

(Mike is in his den examining the typewriter. Carol comes in wearing a ski jacket.)

Carol: Brave hunter, you like Eskimo wife?

Mike: Hey,  that’s something. Yeah, I may lose you to Smokey the bear.

Carol: Well, you lime it?

Mike: Yeah, how much it cost?

Carol: I borrowed it from Barbara.

Mike: I love it! (They laugh) Oh, I don’t know. This thing (typewriter) is hopeless. You know, I think I’m gonna put my notes on tape. You want to hand me the tape recorder on the table?

(Carol gets the recorder.)

Carol: Hey, listen, do you know why Peter mowed the lawn twice yesterday?

Mike: Well, I think he’s trying to make up for the trouble he’s caused with this thing.

(He turns the recorder on and they hear the conversation between Greg and Marcia.)

Carol: Surprise party?

(The next scene has Mike and Carol leaving for the ski trip. The kids are saying good-bye.)

Mike: We’ll be back next Sunday night, okay?

(The kids all say one more good-bye.)

Peter: Sure you will.

Greg (to Marcia): We really got Peter going.

(Peter is up in his room getting dressed for his expected party. Bobby comes in.)

Bobby: What are you all dressed up for?

Peter: Just getting ready.

Bobby: For what?

Peter: Nothing in particular. When you get to be my age, you kind of go through a neatness period.

Bobby: Boy, I hope that never happens to me.

Peter: It wouldn’t hurt you to look a little neater tonight.

Bobby: You’re off your rocker.

(Next, Peter goes to the staircase, expecting his big bash. He goes down the stairs and excitingly runs into the den but nobody is in there. He then runs into the kitchen, with the same result. He hears Greg and Marcia converting in the kitchen and runs in. He sees them playing another chess game. They are surprised to see him dressed the way he is.)

Peter: Hi.

Marcia: Hi.

Greg: You’re sure dressed up.

Peter: Yeah. Well, I don’t want to interrupt your game. I think I’ll have a glass of milk.

(He goes into the kitchen.)

Greg (to Marcia): Gee, he’s really all charged up about the party.

Marcia: I, I feel kind of funny about it now.

Greg; me too. You think we ought to tell him the truth? (They go out to join Peter in the kitchen) Pete, we better talk to you about something.

Peter: Yeah.

Greg: Listen, there’s not going to be any surprise party.

Peter (pretending not to know): Surprise party?

Marcia: Peter, it was a joke.

Greg: A bad one. We were just trying to teach you a lesson.

Marcia: So we taped that stuff about the surprise party on the tape recorder.

Peter: Oh. (Pause) I don’t blame you guys for being sore. I guess I guess I really deserve it.

(Just then, Mike and Carol return with presents for Peter.)

Carol: Surprise!

Mike: Surprise party!

Carol: Where is everybody? Kids, Alice, Peter, surprise! (Alice, Bobby, Cindy and Jan come down the stairs) We’re having a party for Peter.

Jan: How come?

Mike: Because he got an A in geometry!

Peter (protesting): Greg and Marcia said it was a joke!

Carol: Oh, it’s no joke, honey.

Bobby: Gee, we didn’t buy any presents.

Carol: Oh, yes you did and you’re gonna be amazed at what good taste you all have.

Mike: Come on, how about opening them up? We got to get back to the lodge tonight.

(Greg and Marcia go up to them.)

Greg: Mom, Dad, how did you two find out about it?

Carol: Well, a little tape recorder told us.

Mike: That was pretty unfair of yo two. Why did you do it?

Marcia: Well, Peter played a dirty trick on us.

Greg: And all the punishment he got was that he had to promise not to do it again.

Mike: Well, sometimes a promise is enough.

Carol: I think from now on you two had better leave the discipline to us, okay?

Greg: Okay.

Marcia: We’re sorry.

Peter: Wow, look at this. A tape recorder of my very own. Thanks Mom, thanks, Dad.

Carol: I think you know what to do with one of those, right?

Alice: Hey, Pete, do me a favor, open this one next. It’s from me. I’m dying to see what I got you.

Carol: You’ll love it, Alice.

(Peter opens the gift as the scene fades away.)

untitled baseball mitt and brown cowboy boots

(In the final scene, Peter is in his room playing something on his new tape recorder. Greg and Marcia come in to see him.)

Greg: Hi, Pete.

Peter: Hi.

Marcia: How do you like your new recorder?

Peter: It’s really neat. And I was just going to tell you guys, if you want to borrow it, you can borrow it any time you want.

Marcia: Thanks.

Greg: Hey, a thing like that can come in handy. I mean for schoolwork and for taking notes in class.

Peter: Yeah, but it’s kind of tricky, so you better be careful. See this button. (He points to a button on the recorder) That’s what you press when you want to record. And this button’s where you press when you want to listen to what you recorded. But don’t press that button because I already got some stuff on it. But you wouldn’t be interested in that.

(He leaves the room.)

Greg (to Marcia): Did you hear that? He’s just dying for us to listen to what he recorded.

Marcia: Should we listen?

Greg: Sure, that’s what he wants.

(He plays the recorder back and hears a message Peter recorded.0

Peter: I, Peter Brady, do hereby solemnly swear to forgive Greg and Marcia for the crummy thing they did to me. And shame on you for listening when you shouldn’t have. (He laughs.)

(Greg and Marcia laugh to each other.)

                            THE END

untitled leave discipline to us