S4 E1 Hawaii Bound

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Hawaii Bound

Written by Tam Spiva

Mike’s firm sends him to Hawaii to supervise the construction of a building he designed, while the family comes along for a vacation. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

DAVID, a construction worker

MR. HANELEI, another construction worker

Unnamed construction worker

DON H

SAM KAPU

(The episode begins with Mike coming home from work. He has a package in his hand. He puts it down on the table holding the horse and calls for Carol.)

Mike: Honey, I’m home.

Carol (coming out of the kitchen): Hi, sweetheart.

Mike: Hi, honey.

(She notices the package and picks it up.)

Carol: Ooh, what is it?

Mike: Do I even get a kiss first?

Carol: Okay. (She kisses him) Now what’s in the box/

(Peter comes by.)

Peter: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hi.

Peter: What’s in the box?

Mike: Oh, my gosh, it runs in the family. (Carol agrees) Listen, Peter, why don’t you get the rest of the kids because I got a surprise here for everybody.

Peter: Okay. (He yells) Greg, Marcia, Jan, Bobby, Cindy!

Mike: I said go get ‘Em, I know how to yell.

Peter: Okay, Dad.

Mike: Scoot.

(He runs up the stairs.)

Carol: Heya, Mike, while we’re waiting for the kids, what is it?

Mike (laughing): It’s a box with a ribbon on it.

Carol: Ooh, you are (pause) mean.

(The kids noisily rush down the stairs.)

Mike: You’ll never guess, you’ll never guess. (They start asking inquisitive questions) Listen, I’m gonna give you a hint. It has to do with water.

(The kids are understandably surprised. Greg wonders how they can put it in a box.)

Carol: Water? Oh well, one thing, it’s too little for a swimming pool.

Mike: Why don’t you go ahead and open it.

(All the kids pressure her to do so.)

Mike: You’ll never guess.

Carol (opening the box): It looks like airline tickets.

Mike: That’s because they are airline tickets.

Carol: For all of us?

(She and all the kids get excited at the prospect of them going on a trip. ike begins to explain.)

Mike: Mr. Philips asked me to check on the construction of a building I designed, you know.

Carol: Yeah, where?

(All the kids are demanding to know where.)

Mike: And all the kids are out of school and we’re gonna be on… (the family keeps noisily interrupting to ask where)  and to take the family along on company expense.

Carol: Mike! Where are we going?

Mike: Hawaii?

(Carol and the kids are super excited. Alice comes out to hear the commotion.)

Alice: Hey, what’s going on?

Carol: Alice, we’ll tell you later. Just yell!

(She does so and Bobby comes up to her and tell her the good news. The scene fades.)

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(Next, the Bradys are on the plane about to land in Hawaii.)

Carol: Mike, I’ll send your boss a beautiful post card every day.

Mike: Honey, this is a business trip.

Carol: Okay, I’ll say having a terrible time. wish you were here.

(They laugh and the plane continues to get closer to landing.)

Greg: Look, Hawaii.

Cindy: How could they land such a big plane on such a little island?

Bobby: Hey, what’s that big lump down there?

Peter: That’s Diamond head, dumb head.

(They finally land at the airport.)

Jan: Honolulu, here we are.

(When they get off the plane, The Bradys are met by young ladies who put leis around and kiss them as a way to welcome them. Bobby makes a disgusted face after they kiss him and Peter ducks his kiss after they place the lei on him. When it was Greg’s turn, Mike stopped him.)

Mike: Uh, that’s enough.

(Mike gets the lei around his neck and a kiss.)

Alice (jokingly): I’m gonna tell Mrs. Brady on you.

(Now, it’s Alice’s turn and the rest of the family are walking to the shuttle. Alice stays there for multiple leis and kisses. Carol and Mike notice.)

Carol: Come on, Alice.

Mike: Come on.

(Cut to the construction site which Mike will be employing (Pikula Construction Company). A worker named David is preparing to leave.)

Worker: Hey, have a day?

(David shakes his head no.)

David: the boss wants me to pick up Mr. Brady at the airport.

Worker (to Mr. Hanalei): He gets all the tough jobs.

David: Aloha.

(Mr. Hanalei waves good-bye. We next see David driving the family to the hotel.)

David: Mr. Brady, my boss said you might want to some sightseeing over the weekend before you start work Monday. And, I’m available.

(The family starts to get excited.)

Mike: Oh, that sounds great to me.

Carol: Come on, let’s get started.

(We next see them getting back in the car with David. They drive around and then make a stop somewhere.)

Carol: Oh, look, isn’t this impressive?

Mike: What’s this place called again, David?

David: They call it Boohoooalakaka.

(They ask him to repeat it and they have a terrible time pronouncing it. He next shows them a statue of the first king of the island. He also points out other monuments and buildings.)

David: That’s a new modern state building in the background. And the old eon palace building in front of it. The only oil palace in the United States. Hey, let me take your picture in front of King Kamehahemaha. (They gather in front of the statue of the king.) You know, he was the first island chief to get all the islands under one rule, so he was our first king.

Cindy: I bet I know why he was king.

Jan: Why?

Cindy (pointing): Look how big he is.

David (taking his camera out): Okay, ready, smile, say belly button.

(They all say belly button and he takes their picture. They are next checking another landmark.)

David: I guess you can say how it got its names, the blowhole.

Mike: You might call it old faithful Hawaiian style.

(Peter and Bobby take pictures.)

Peter: Wow, that’s really neat.

Bobby: Yeah, it sure is. Did you get your picture?

Peter: Yeah, but I got it really blown and got us all wet.

Bobby: oh, you want to get wet, why didn’t you say so.

(He pulls out his water gun and sprays him in the face and laughs. Next, they are all on a rowboat and then exploring Pearl Harbor.)

Peter: Wow, look at it.

Alice: This is Pearl Harbor.

Jan: Is it ever big.

Marcia: Big? It’s enormous.

Peter: Hey, what’s that over there?

Bobby: Forget about that. Look over here.

Cindy: What’s that over there?

Jan: Look way down there.

Marcia: Yeah, what’s that?

Mike: Hey, hold it, hold it. One thing at a time.

Bobby: Yeah, pipe down. One thing at a time. Now, what’s that over there?

Carol: Bobby, now let’s all give David a chance to tell us about it.

David: Well, first of all, Pearl Harbor is the first naval installation in the Pacific. (He points out) See over there. Those are nuclear submarine being serviced. Every time an astronaut returns from the moon, the recovery ships come from this port.

Carol: Remember kids, we saw that on television. (They agree) Are those battleships?

David: Over there? Those are destroyers. Guidance missile destroyers.

Mike: Those ships carry missiles on the stern.

David: Yeah, right in back of the stern. See there, those are missiles. Over there starts battleship row. (They move towards another site) And up ahead is the Arizona Memorial.

(They are next on top of the memorial.)

Peter: Gee, it’s something seeing the Arizona right underneath us.

Mike: Yeah, even though it’s no longer a commissioned ship, the navy granted special permission to fly the American flag over it.

Bobby: You mean, like,  she was still afloat?

Mike: Yeah. (They are checking other things on the memorial) You see how this is constructed. It’s low in the center, higher on the ends? That’s symbolic of the ultimate victory. Look over here at the base of this flagpole. (They walk over) You see this plaque?(He reads) Dedicated to the eternal memory of our gallant shipmates in the U.S.S. Arizona who gave their lives their action 7 December 1941. From today on, the U.S.S. Arizona will again fly our country’s flag just as proudly as she did on the morning of 7 December, 1941.

(Next, the Bradys are in the boat with David.)

Carol: Oh, I must say, Pearl Harbor sure is impressive, isn’t it.

David: You know, there’s as tory about Pearl harbor that most don’t know.

Marcia: What kind of story?

David: Well, way back when they started to build all this, an old island chief warned them about it. See, the islanders believe this was owned by the shark queen god.

Peter: Shark queen god?

David (nodding): One of the strongest of the island gods. The chief told them this place was tabu, and if they built here, evil things would happen.

Jan: What kind of evil things?

David: Well, when they finished building the first side dock, it collapsed and sank into the sea. No one could ever explain how it happened.

Bobby: Wow. then what?

David: Then they started building again, and the chief warned them again.

Cindy: Did they listen to him this time?

David (shaking his head): Nope, nothing happened, until the attack of 1941.

Mike: Well, I hardly think that has anything to do with the tabu, kids.

David: Neither do I, Mr. brady, but you know, some of these old islanders are pretty superstitious.

(Meanwhile, Mr. Hanalei and the other construction worker are working and they find the tabu idol.)

Worker: Hey, look what I dug up.

(He tries to pick up with Hanalei stops him.)

Hanelei: No, do not touch.

Worker: Why not?

Hanelei: Tabu. Tabu idol, very strong, bring evil to all who touch.

Worker: Come on, brother, that’s just an old island superstition.

Hanelei: Do as I say.

Worker: Are you kidding me?

Hanelei: Do not touch, or it will bring evil.

Worker: Okay, old man, we’ll get rid of it. (He uses his shovel and moves it away) You satisfied now?

Hanelei: Someday you learn respect, respect, for island tabu.

(Next, David drives the family to the Kipula construction site to show Mike where he will be working.)

David: That’s the boss’s office over there, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Well, I just wanna check on a couple of things. I’ll be right back.

(Peter and Bobby come up to him.)

Peter: Dad, can we take a look around?

Mike: Okay, but don’t go far because I’m not gonna be gone long, okay.

Bobby: Come on, let’s see what they’re doing.

Greg: Hey, Dave, maybe you and I can get together a little later and check out some of the more important sites, like bikinis.

Dave: Hey, right on. Come down to the beach tomorrow, you can look while I judge a surfing contest for some of my buddies.

Greg: You know, I do some surfing. Suppose I can get in the contest?

David: You’re in. But you gotta watch out, we got some pretty big surf over here and you gotta keep your eyes on the waves, not the bikinis.

(While Bobby and Cindy are looking around the construction site, Bobby finds the tabu from earlier.)

Bobby: Hey, Pete, look what I found. (Peter runs over) It’s real old.

Peter: It sure is ugly. You know who it reminds me of.

Bobby: Who?

Peter: You.

(He runs.)

Bobby: You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna put a string around it, and wear it around my neck for good luck.

(The scene fades.)

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(The next scene has Bobby and Cindy sitting down whole Bobby tries to play a ukulele, albeit without much luck.)

Bobby: Does this sound right to you?

Cindy: If you’re trying to make a terrible sound, it sounds right.

(He tries playing more, but no better. Don Ho and Sam Kapu, come over to him.)

Don: Hi, there.

Bobby: Hi.

Don: You have a little trouble with that, aren’t you.

Bobby: I sure am. Could you play one.

(He hands it to him.)

Don: I think I remember. Thanks.

(He plays and does a super job.)

Cindy: You’re a lot better than Bobby.

Don: Thanks again.

Bobby: Can you sing something for us?

Don: Sure. Stan, lend me your tonsil.

Stanley: Sure. I’ll lend you both.

(They sing a song called Sweet Someone. Bobby and Cindy applaud when they’re finished.)

Cindy: You guys sure do sing good.

Bobby: Like real singers.

Don: Who knows, maybe some day we turn professional.

Bobby: Hey, I know who you are! (to Cindy) No wonder he sings so good, he’s Don Ho.

Cindy: Don who?

Don: Don Ho. This is Sam Kapu, and he and I sing at the Polynesian Palace together.

Sam: Welcome to the island.

Bobby and Cindy: Thanks.

Don: Thanks, kids, see you later.

(They start to leave.)

Bobby: Wait, wait, can we have your autogrtaph?

Don: Sure.

Cindy: Yours too, Mr. Kapu.

Don: What are your names?

Cindy: Bobby and Cindy Brady.

Don: Let me take a wild guess, (looking at Cindy) you’re Cindy.

Cindy: Right.

(They all say aloha and Don and Sam walk away.)

Bobby (looking at his idol): Boy, we never would’ve met them if it hadn’t been for my good luck charm.

(He sits down, unknowingly, on his ukulele and it breaks.)

(The next scene has Mike and Carol having a drink in the hotel bar.)

Mike: That was a good show tonight.

Carol: I know, it was wonderful.

Mike: Yeah, Don Ho has a great act.

Carol: How would you know? You never took your eyes off the hula girl.

Mike: I barely noticed her.

Carol: Oh yeah, your eyeballs were going back and forth twice as fast as their hips.

(She and Mike laugh.)

Mike: Well, it’s been a great trip so far.

Carol: So far it’s been a perfect vacation.

(They kiss. We next see the boys in their room.)

Greg: Okay, let’s hit the sack. I got a big day tomorrow in that surfing contest.

Peter: Boy, are you gonna get wiped out.

Bobby: Yeah, over here the guys can surf before they can walk.

Greg: There happen to be great surfers all over the world. Back home too.

Peter: We knew that, we just didn’t know you were one of them.

(He and Bobby laugh. Greg throws a pillow at them and a heavy decoration falls off the wall and almost hits Bobby.)

Greg: Gee, I’m sorry, Bobby.

Peter: Boy, that almost hit you on the head. You could’ve been hurt.

Bobby: I know. It’s a good thing I have my good luck charm with me.

(The next morning, the boys are ready to head down to the beach.)

Greg: come on, you guys. I wanna rent a board and get some surfing in before the contest.

Peter: Aren’t the girls coming?

Greg: No, they’re going to a hula lesson.

Bobby: Who needs a hula lesson to learn how to hula?

(He pretends to do the hula and his idol falls off his neck.)

Greg: Come on, squibble lips.

(bobby leaves without realizing he dropped it. Carol, Alice and the girls come out in hula skirts.)

Carol: come on, everybody, we don’t wanna miss our hula lesson.

Alice: Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Something wrong. I don’t seem to have enough grass for the backyard.

(They laugh.)

Cindy: I think I have yours, Alice.

Alice: I think you do too.

Carol: Okay kids, come on everybody, out you go.

(Alice finds the idol.)

Alice: Hey, isn’t this Bobby’s little statue?

Carol: Yeah, I guess he dropped it when they went to the beach.

Alice: Well, I’ll keep it for him.

(She puts it around her neck and is wearing it during the hula lesson.)

Carol: Alice, now you take it easy.

Alice: Yes ma’am. Oh, I feel it. I feel it. Yeah.

(They all copy the instructor.)

Alice: I’m getting it, I’m getting it. (Her back starts to go out) I got it. (Alice can’t move) Uhh, help! I think I really got it. I can’t move.

Carol: Alice, what is it?

Alice: Uhh, it’s my hula, Mrs. Brady. My hu went one way and my la went the other. Anyone care to lend a helping hula hand.

Carol (to the instructor): We’ll be right back.

(She and the girls take Alice to get her help. After, a woman gets out of the water while the contest is about to begin.)

David (to the contestants): Okay, we’ll keep it simple. You have a half hour. I judge you on your best ride. Okay? Let’s go.

Greg: David, after the contest, the bikinis?

David: Listen, maharini, you just pay attention to the waves.

Greg: I’ll try, but it’s hard, brother.

Bobby (to Peter): What was all that about the bikinis?

Peter: You’ll learn. Boy, will you learn.

(Greg races over to the family.)

Greg: Well, here goes. Wish me luck.

(They give their best wishes.)

Alice: Oh, Bobby, speaking of luck, look what I found.

(He gives him the idol.)

Bobby: Thanks, Alice, I thought it was gone forever! (He runs to Greg) hey, Greg, Greg, wait! (He puts it around Greg’s neck) Here, it will bring you luck.

Greg: Thanks, I’ll take all I can get.

(He joins the other contestants. David waves the flag for them to begin. Greg is doing a great job so far.)

Carol: There goes Greg.

Peter: Wow, look at that big wave. Watch it, Greg.

(Greg seems to get wiped out but comes out, retrieves his surfboard and continues.)

Alice (to Marcia): You think you can do that?

Marcia: No.

(Greg continues to the amazement of the family.)

Carol (to Mike): Oh, I wonder how they stay on those things.

Peter: here comes Greg.

(Greg passes another wave.)

Peter: Wow, Greg’s doing great.

Bobby: Naturally, he has my good luck charm.

(Suddenly, Greg misses a wave and gets wiped out. He falls in the water. His family watches in horror.)

Bobby: Where is he?

Peter: I don’t know, I can’t see him.

Jan: No.

Cindy: oh, no.

(We see Greg’s surfboard afloat as the scene fades.)

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(The final scene has Mike running into the water to find Greg. The rest of the family is right behind him.)

Mike: Greg, Greg!

Carol: Mike, where is he? She should’ve come up by now!

Mike: Keep looking for him!

(They continue their search at the cliffhanger of this part of the episode.)

                             END OF PART 1

images surfin' USA

 

S3 E23 The Fender Benders

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The Fender Benders

Written by David P. Harmon

Carol has a minor accident with her car which eventually lands her in court. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

HARRY DUGGINS, motorist

EDDIE, Greg’s friend (voice only)

(The episode begins with Carol driving her car home. She and Marcia get out of the car with Bobby and Cindy when they arrive home.)

Bobby: Boy, wait till Dad finds out. Is he gonna be mad.

(He takes a bag from Marcia to bring inside.)

Cindy: I’m gonna finish my homework fast so I can watch.

Bobby: Me too.

Marcia (taking another bag): Mom, are you gonna tell Dad before dinner or after?

Carol: You kids are making a big deal over nothing. Your father is not gonna be upset over something so, so minor.

(Before walking in the house, Carol takes a look at the dented fender on the car, courteousy of another driver at the store. The scene fades.)

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(The next scene has Carol in the kitchen helping Alice cook dinner.)

Alice: Mr. Brady ought to be home any minute, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: I guess so.

Alice: I sure wish there was some way I can help you soften the blow.

Carol: Alice, you’re as bad as the kids. Now, Mr. Brady is not gonna be upset.

Alice: Well, I hope not.

Carol (laughing): After all, it was just a little accident. Just a dented fender. It wasn’t even my fault.

Alice: Have you thought about how you’re gonna break the news?

Carol: Oh yeah, I’ll just say, hi honey, how was your day? He’ll say fine, how was yours? I’ll say, oh, terrific, just a slight mishap with the car. Then he’ll say…

(Her words are cut by the sound of him coming in the door.)

Alice: I wonder what he’ll say right now. Mr. Brady just got home.

Carol (sheepishly): Mike.

Mike: Hi, honey.

Mike: How was your day?

Mike: Oh, great.

Carol (to Alice): How do I look?

Alice: Like a turkey on Thanksgiving.

(Carol pats Alice’s shoulder then goes out to the living room to greet Mike. She has a celery stick in her hand.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart.

(He kisses her.)

Carol: How was everything at the office?

Mike: Fine. How was your day today?

Carol: Oh, just great. I confirmed your golf date on Sunday.

Mike: Thank you.

Carol: And, I found a button that matches your sweater and I sewed it on. And, I put a new light bulb in your den. And, I picked up your cleaning. And, I made your favorite chicken dumplings for dinner.

Mike (suspicious): Honey.

Carol: Yeah.

Mike: What went wrong today?

Carol: Oh, well, now that you mention it, there was one small tiny minor problem.

Mike: Small tiny minor.

Carol: I knew you’d see it that way.

Mike: See it what way?

(Greg comes in.)

Greg: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Who banged up the car?

Mike (serious): Who banged up what?

Greg: Oops.

Mike: Well, better have a look at the small, tiny, minor.

(He goes outside to inspect the damage.)

Carol (to Greg): Thanks a lot, big mouth.

(She puts the celery in his mouth, then joins Mike outside.)

Mike (checking the fender): Well, uh, it’s no big thing, but it’s not exactly small tiny minor either.

Carol: Well, honey, it wasn’t my fault. I was just at the parking lot at the supermarket and…

Mike: What happened?

Carol: Well, we got in the car and we fastened our seat belts. And then I carefully looked out the back window to make sure everything was clear. Then I started to back out. then, then this man across the aisle, he started to back right out.

Mike: Then he ran into you.

Carol: Exactly. He hit me. Well, uh, he didn’t even look back. He just, he just barreled right out of that parking lot.

Mike: Listen, what about the damage to his car.

Carol: About the same as mine, dented fender.

Mike: Well, I’m glad nobody was hurt.

Carol: Me too. Well, we exchanged names and addresses and we decided to fix our own cars instead of making a big thing out of it.

Mike: Well, it would’ve been wiser to report it, but as long as you both agreed.

(Peter and Jan come home on their bikes.)

Peter: Hi, Mom. Hi, dad.

Carol: Hi.

Mike: Hello, kids.

Jan: Hi.

(They notice the broken fender.)

Peter: Wow, I bet Greg’s really gonna get it for that.

Jan: What a dumb thing to do.

Mike: Greg didn’t do it.

Carol: And it wasn’t so dumb, either.

Mike: Hey, you kids better get ready for dinner. Your mom has made chicken dumplings for dinner tonight.

Jan; Chicken and dumplings?

Peter (laughing) That means Mom wrecked the car.

(Mike laughs and Carol elbows him right in the stomach.)

Mike: Oh, listen, that’s where I’m gonna put my dumpling.

Carol: I’ll give you a dumpling.

(Next, Greg is on the phone with his friend, Eddie.)

Greg: Listen Eddie, we have a problem about tonight. I’m without wheels?

Eddie: How come?

Greg: My mom got in an accident with her car and smashed the tail light. My folks are gonna use my dad’s car. How about you driving us?

Eddie: No chance.

Greg: How about Dave?

(Meanwhile, Marcia and Jan are in the living room. they are looking at a magazine.)

Marcia: I just love those jeans.

Jan: That’s the kind that waits your tie.

Marcia: Yeah, perfect.

Jan: Yeah, perfect. They don’t say where you can buy them here.

Marcia: Sandy has a pair, I can ask her.

Jan: Why don’t you call her.

Marcia: Okay.

(They go over to the phone and Marcia hears the conversation between Greg and Eddie.)

Eddie: No offense to your mother, but woman are dumb drivers. 

Marcia: (annoyed): What do you mean women are dumb drivers?

Greg: Who is that?

Jan: Who are you talking to?

Eddie: Who’s on the phone, Greg?

Greg: Sounded like Marcia.

Marcia: It’s Marcia all right, and men are even dumber drivers.

Jan: Who are you talking to?

Eddie: No one’s dumber than a woman driver?

Marcia: Are you listening, Eddie?

Eddie: Yeah.

Marcia: Well listen to this!

(She slams down the phone, to Greg’s chagrin. Then she storms out to the family room.)

Jan: Who’s Eddie? And how come you hung up on Eddie after you told him to listen?

Eddie: Listen, Eddie, I’m sure we can get this… (Marcia comes up to him) Hang on a minute.

Marcia: For the record, that accident was not Mom’s fault. It was that dumb man driver’s fault!

(She goes back tot he living room. Greg gets back on the phone.)

Greg: That was my sister, Eddie.

Eddie: Which one?

Greg: the one you said you wanted to ask for a date.

(Eddie hangs up.)

Greg: Eddie, hello, hello, Eddie.

(The next scene has Mike and Carol preparing to go out for the evening when the doorbell rings.)

Mike (calling): Carol! Come on, honey. We’re gonna be late!

Carol: Coming honey.

(Mike answers the door and it’s Mr. Duggins.)

Duggins: Mr. Brady.

Mike: Yeah.

Duggins: I’m Harry Duggins. (He walks in) I’m the fellow who had the accident with your wife this afternoon.

Mike: Yeah, well, come on in.

Duggins (checking the house out): Thank you. Oh my, you have a lovely place here.

Mike: Thank you.

Duggins: Oh, did I catch you at a bad time?

Mike: Well, my wife and I are going out, yeah.

Duggins: I see, well, this won’t take a minute. I mean, you and I can settle this man to man if you know what I mean.

Mike: No, I don’t know what you mean.

Duggins: Well, you know, women drivers.

(Carol comes into the living room.)

Carol: Women drivers?

Duggins: Oh, good evening, Mrs. Brady. This won’t take a second. I borrowed a car from a friend to get out here and I got to get it right back to him. You see, my car had to be towed from the scene of the accident to the shop.

Mike: Well, my wife told me there wasn’t much damage done to your car.

Duggins: Well, as a matter of fact, she banged up my car pretty bad.

Carol (surprised): Pretty bad?

Duggins: Yes, in fact, (He takes a piece of paper out of his coat pocket) I have an itemized list of the damage done to my car and what it will cost Mrs. Brady to fix it.

Carol (upset): Cost me to fix it? But we both agreed to fix our own cars.

Duggins: Why should I agree to a thing like that? The accident wasn’t my fault.

Carol: Well, it certainly wasn’t my fault.

Duggins: Well, I think you should hear my side of the story, Mr. Brady.

Carol: But I already told Mr. Brady everything.

Mike: What is your side, Mr. Duggins?

Duggins: Well, you see, I was doing some heavy marketing for my wife. Being a woman, she’s a little frail.

Carol: Excuse me, Mr. Duggins. Frail is one thing that I’m not.

Duggins: Well, I’d like to get in my side of the story without any interruptions.

Mike: Get on with it, Mr. Duggins.

(Bobby and Cindy are watching from upstairs, at the top of the staircase.)

Duggins: Well, I got my car started the engine and I checked my rear window and saw it was clear and I decided to back out slowly when, all of a sudden, she started screaming out of her parking place and banged right into me. Obviously, she didn’t look back.

Carol (defensive): Mike, he couldn’t have looked back because I was moving first!

Duggins (to Carol): Oh no, you didn’t look back because I was moving first!

Mike: All right, okay, this part is a standoff. As long as there was the same amount of damage done to your cars…

Duggins (interrupting): Same amount of damage, are you kidding? Here. (He hands the list to Mike) Read this.

Mike (reading): Smashed rear light, crushed fender, replace muffler, replace duster. (a little louder) Realign the frame! How much?

Duggins: $295.11. Of course, there are some other minor things that I don’t mind taking care of myself.

Carol (shouting sarcastically): What? Refurnishing your house? Mike, this just isn’t true.

Duggins: Mrs. Brady, are you suggesting that I am lying?

Carol: And very badly, too.

Duggins: Well, Mrs. Brady, you’re gonna have to believe one of our stories, and I guess it will be hers. See who wears the pants in this family.

Mike (firmly): Mr. Duggins, I think you better leave before I toss you out on the seat of yours.

Duggins: Sir, are you threatening me with bodily harm?

Mike: Yes. (pointing his thumb to the door) Out!

(Mr. Duggins starts to leave then turns around.)

Duggins (angry): You haven’t heard the last of this, I’m gonna sue you. I’ll see you in court!

Carol (yelling): My pleasure!

(He leaves.)

Carol: Of all the nerve. That, that chiseler!

Mike: He’s obviously trying to using the accident to get a whole lot of other repairs done to his car.

(Bobby and Cindy come down the stairs.)

Carol: Mike, you really think he means it about taking me to court?

Mike: Yeah, I think he means it, all right.

(Bobby and Cindy approach their parents.)

Bobby: Mom, Dad, can we talk to you for a second?

Cindy: We heard what you said.

Bobby: Do we have to go to court too?

Mike: Uh, uh, yea, you might.

Carol: Oh, Mike, you don’t really think they might have to go to court, do you?

Mike: Honey, they were witnesses. That’s perfectly legal.

Cindy: Oh, no.

Carol: Honey, there’s nothing to be afraid of. All you have to do is tell the truth.

Bobby: We do?

Mike: Of course, especially in court.

Cindy: The exact truth?

Mike: Say listen, what’s going on here?

Bobby: Well, before you go to court, I think you oughtta know something.

Mike: What?

Bobby: Well, maybe the accident was Mom’s fault.

Carol (astonished): My fault?

Cindy: We didn’t see you look back. Like the man said.

Mike: Are you sure?

Bobby (nodding): We’re sure, Dad. Sorry, Mom.

Mike: Look you two, run on upstairs and go to bed. it’s your bedtime. Okay. (They walk off) Say good night.

Bobby and Cindy: Good night.

Carol (embarrassed): Gee Mike, I don’t know what to say.

Mike: Honey, now listen. Are you sure you looked before you, now, wait a minute, maybe you think you did.

Carol (insistent): Honey, I am positive I looked back!

Mike: Then, how do you explain the kids?

Carol: I can’t. Mike, what am I gonna do? Mr. Duggins is gonna take me to court and my own kids are gonna hafta testify against me.

untitled court

(The next scene has Carol and Mike in their bedroom later that night. They are discussing the matter a little further.)

Carol: Those poor kids, they must be terribly upset.

Mike: Yeah, especially since we always told them to be truthful.

(Carol sits down and starts to brush her hair.)

Carol: Well, I guess there’s only one thing to do. That’s give that Mr. Duggins his $295.

Mike: And 11 cents.

Carol: And 11 cents. But we just couldn’t put the kids through that. Making them appear in court.

Mike: Well, I agree. It’s pretty bad having your own kids testifying against you.

Carol: Well, it wouldn’t exactly make the P.T.A. nominate me mother of the year.

Mike (taking his shirt off): Well, I’ll tell the kids in the morning. Be delighted.

Carol: Do you know what makes me absolutely furious? That Duggins is gonna think I’m finally admitting that I was lying.

Mike: Oh, honey. Don’t think about it. Just forget all about it. (he kisses her) And hope you never see him again.

(He heads to the bathroom.)

Carol: Mike. (Mike stops) you don’t think I’m lying, do you?

Mike: No.

(He heads toward the bathroom again.)

Carol: Mike. (He stops again) You do believe me, don’t you?

Mike: Of course I do.

(He tries again for the bathroom.)

Carol: Mike. (He stops once again) You’re not just saying that because you’re my husband, are you?

Mike: No, sweetheart, I’m not.

(He goes again but stops intentionally. She turns around.)

Carol: What’s the matter?

Mike: I was waiting for you to stop me again.

(Meanwhile, Bobby is in the bathroom and Peter knocks on the door.)

Bobby (calling): Go away!

Peter: Come on, I gotta brush my teeth too, you little creep.

Greg: Will you stop calling Bobby a creep?

Peter: How about Benedict Arnold?

Greg: Look, Bobby’s no traitor. He’s in a bind.

Peter: Well, he shouldn’t testify against his own mother.

Greg: What else can he do?

Peter: Lots of things.

Greg: Like what?

Peter; Well, maybe he can run away from home.

(He shouts that at the door for Bobby to hear.)

Bobby: Leave me alone!

Greg: Go to sleep.

Peter: Might as well, he won’t let me in there.

Greg: Good night.

Peter: Good night. (He heads toward his bed then yells toward the door) Good night, creep!

(Greg throws a pillow at him.)

Peter: Good, I have two pillows now.

(He puts it under his head. We next see Marcia exits the bathroom and sees Cindy wide awake.)

Marcia: Come on, Cindy, you should be sleeping.

Cindy (glumly): I know.

Jan: What’s the matter?

Cindy: I guess I should tell you. Bobby and I got Mom in trouble?

Marcia: What are you talking about?

Cindy: The man Mom had an accident with is gonna sue her?

Marcia: Sue Mom?

Cindy: And Bobby and I have to be witnesses in court, because we were in the car.

Marcia: Then I guess I’ll have to be a witness too.

Jan: How did you and Bobby get Mom in trouble?

Cindy: Because we said it was Mom’s fault.

Marcia (surprised): Mom’s fault?

Cindy: Uh huh. What am I gonna do?

Marcia: For one thing, get glasses.

(She leaves the room and goes to see Mike and Carol, who are in bed reading.)

Mike: Honey, there’s no use in stewing about it all night.

Carol: I’m not stewing, I’m reading.

Mike: Sweetheart, you have been on page 124 for 30 minutes. That’s not reading, that’s stewing. (Marcia knocks) Come in.

Marcia (entering): Mom, I just heard that man is going to sue you over the accident.

Carol: Well he was honey, but, we’re not going to court.

Marcia (surprised): Why not?

Mike: Well, sweetheart, it’s a little complicated.

Marcia: Well, if it’s because of Bobby and Cindy, they’re wrong. It wasn’t Mom’s fault.

Mike: Were you in the car too?

Marcia: Yes, I saw Mom look back.

Mike: Well, now, wait a minute, how could four of you have been in the car and two of you see one thing and two of you see the other?

Marcia: I don’t know. Is there something we can do, Dad?

Mike: Yeah, I can get an ice bag. (He gets up) I wasn’t in the accident, but I’m getting  a headache.

(The next morning, Cindy is still upset as she has breakfast with Alice in the kitchen with her.)

Alice: Come on, honey, cheer up. Your folks will figure a way out of this somehow.

Cindy: But what if they don’t? And Bobby and I will have to go to court.

Alice: Well, maybe not.

Cindy: Where the judge swears at you.

Alice: No, sweetie, the judge swears you in.

Cindy: It sounds just as bad.

Alice: Well, it’s not just as bad. (She sits down with her) Look, I’ve never been in court myself but I’m what you might call an amateur expert anyway?

Cindy: How come?

Alice: From watching television. I’ve learned a lot from the Bold Ones, Owen Marshall and I expect to pass the bar on the Perry Mason reruns.

Cindy: You mean, court is just like it is on TV?

Alice: Pretty much. The judge walks in, and you stand up. When he stands, you stand, and when he sits, you sit.

Cindy: Sounds like follow the leader.

Alice: Well, sort of. And then, when he calls your name, you become a witness, and you sit in the witness chair.

Cindy: Is that where I have to tell the truth?

Alice: Yep, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Cindy: Alice, if I don’t sit in the chair, can I fib a little?

Alice: Sweetie, I don’t think your mother would want you to do that?

Cindy: But if Bobby and I tell the truth, she’ll lose, and go to jail for years and years.

Alice: Honey, this is just small claims court. There’s no jury, your mother’s not gonna have to go to jail no matter what you say. The judge just listens to both sides, and he decides which one is…

(Mike and Carol come out.)

Mike: Cindy, when you finish breakfast, get Bobby. I want you both to come out in the backyard.

Cindy: I’m finished.

Carol: Come on, Marcia, honey.

Alice: What’s up, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: We’re gonna find out why four people in the same car didn’t see the same thing, the same way.

Alice: How?

Carol: Mr. Brady is gonna restage the scene of the crime. Come on.

(They all head outside. Carol, Marcia, Bobby and Cindy are in the car while Greg is in the other car, pretending to be Mr. Duggins.)

Mike: Okay, let’s go through this the way it happened at the supermarket. And remember, I said exactly.

Greg (from the other car): Where do you want the car, Dad?

Mike: Carol, is that about right?

Carol: Yeah, I think so.

Mike (calling): Okay, Greg, that’s okay. Now, you’re Mr. Duggins, and you start backing up when I tell you!

Greg: Right, Dad. Hey, Pete, you wanna ride along with me?

Peter: Nah, I don’t wanna ride with Mr. Duggins.

Jan: Neither do I.

Mike: Never mind that now, kids. Now, come on. Let’s get, let’s get started here. Now Carol, tell me everything you did exactly.

Carol: Okay, well, first, we got into the car and we fastened our seat belts. (to the kids) Right?

Marcia: Right.

Carol: Then, uh, then I started the motor. And I looked carefully behind me to make sure that everything was clear. And then I started to back out.

Bobby: That’s when we didn’t see you look back.

Mike (yelling): Start backing, Greg!

Greg: Okay, Dad.

Mike: And don’t stop until I tell you!

(Greg nods and Marcia remembers something.)

Marcia: Wait a  minute, that’s when you two were fighting about something.

Cindy: Oh, yeah. (to Bobby) You spilled ice cream all over me.

Mike: Okay kids, I said exactly. So you two, go ahead, fight.

Bobby (shouting): I did not spill it on you.

Cindy (yelling): You did too!

Bobby: I did not!

Cindy: You did!

Bobby: I didn’t.

Cindy: You did.

Mike: Wait a minute, I think we got something here.

(Peter notices Greg getting too close.)

Peter: Hey, hey, Dad.

Mike: Were you two arguing the whole time? (Peter comes up to him to warn him)  Peter, not now.

Peter: But, but, but, Dad.

Mike: Peter, (he sees Greg getting too close) Greg, stop!

(He stops suddenly, to everyone’s relief.)

Jan: We almost had another court case.

Alice: Yeah, Brady vs. Brady.

(They laugh.)

Mike: Bobby, Cindy, were you two arguing the whole time?

Cindy: Yeah, I think we were.

Mike: Well, if you were, then how do you know whether your mother looked back before the accident?

Bobby: Maybe she did look back but we didn’t see it.

Mike: Exactly. And it only takes a split second to miss something.

Cindy: Maybe we missed it.

Bobby: We’re sorry, Mom.

Carol: That’s okay, honey. You only said what you thought was the truth.

Alice: Well, Mr. Brady, you’re a regular Charlie Chan.

Mike (in Charlie Chan’s voice): Ah, honorable.

Carol (Mimicking him): Honorable wife, of honorable detective, hope honorable judge, just as clever.

(Next, They are down at court. Judge takes the file from the clerk.)

Judge: Next case is Duggins vs. Brady. Will the interested party please come forward?

(Carol, Marcia, Bobby and Cindy get up to approach the judge.)

Judge: Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Yes, your honor.

Judge: The defendant. (calling) Will Mr. Duggins please step forward. (He is not in the courtroom) Mrs. Brady, you may return to your seat. The court will grant Mr. Duggins 2 minutes grace.

(They return and Mr. Duggins shows up. He is wearing a neck brace.)

Marcia: Mom, Dad, look.

Carol (angry and to Mike): A neck brace? Do you believe that?

Mike: I’m surprised he doesn’t have both legs in a cast.

(Mr. Duggins approaches the judge.)

Judge: State your name please.

Duggins: Harry Duggins, sir. I’m sorry I’m late, your honor. But I was at the doctors with whiplash.

Judge: Yeah, it appears. The defendants will return please. (Carol and the kids return to the front bench) You understand I will hear both sides, and then the court will render a decision.

Carol: Yes, your honor.

Judge (to Duggins): Plaintiff first, you may use the blackboard.

Duggins: Well, it’s rather difficult, your honor. You see, I can hardly turn my head, but, I was parked (He uses the cars on the board). I was parked here and (moving her car to a slanted position) she was parked, like that. I had just come from the market with my groceries. My wife usually does the shopping, but, the poor woman is bed ridden.

Judge: Just stick to what happened in the parking lot, Mr. Duggins.

Duggins: Yes sir, well I got into my car and I turned my head carefully and looked out the rear window. Of course, I can’t turn my head now, but, I looked and I saw it was clear, so I, started to back up very slowly, when, all of a sudden, she came barreling out of her parking space and, wham, bang, right into me. Of course, you know how women drivers are, your honor.

Judge: Whether the other driver is male or female, is not pertinent. Except maybe to his or her spouse.

Duggins: Oh, I understand, sir. I just meant…

Judge: Do you have anything to add? Have you any witnesses?

Duggins: No sir, I just have here (he reaches in his pocket for his list) an itemized list of the damages to my car. (He hands it to the judge) No thanks to her, I could’ve been banged up a lot worse than this. Of course I, can’t even turn my head.

Duggins: You made that abundantly clear. Mrs. Brady, it’s your turn. Carol (approaching the judge): Thank you.

(She gives Mr. Duggins a mean look and then proceeds.)

Carol: Your honor, I agree with Mr. Duggins on only one point. We were both parked. But I was the one who looked back to make sure everything as clear.  He couldn’t have, otherwise, he wouldn’t have hit me.

Duggins: No, you were the one who didn’t look out because you hit me.

Carol: Just a minute, Mr. Duggins.

Judge: Mr. Duggins, I believe you had your turn. (looking at the kids) Children, are you witnesses?

Marcia: Yes, your honor.

Duggins: I object, your honor. She probably told them what to say.

Judge: Mr. Duggins, the court does not need advice from you. (to the kids) State your named please.

Marcia: Marcia Brady.

Bobby: Robert Brady.

Cindy: Cynthia Brady, your honor.

Judge: Now, chldren,i, the story that your mother told about the accident in the parking lot, is that true? Did she turn around and carefully look before she backed up?

Marcia: Yes, your honor. I saw her look back.

Judge: Are you sure?

Marcia: Yes sir, I’m sure.

Bobby: But Cindy and I didn’t see her, your honor.

Cindy: He spilled ice cream on my dress.

Bobby: I did not.

Cindy: You did too.

Bobby: I did not.

Cindy: You did too.

Bobby: I did not.

Cindy: You did too.

Bobby: I did not.

(Carol shushes them.)

Judge: Be seated, children. (they sit) The court finds itself with two completely conflicting accounts of this accident. On the one hand, Mr. Duggins states categorically that he looked very carefully before he pulled his car out. On the other hand, Mrs. Brady contends the same thing. This leaves the court to settle the decision entirely on the testimony of both civilians.

(Mike throws his briefcase down, right behind Mr. Duggins. He gets startled and turns around very fast.)

Bobby: Hey, he turned his head.

Cindy: Yeah, he turned his head.

Duggins (defiantly): No, I didn’t. (to the judge) I, I just…

(He realizes he was caught.)

Judge: Mr. Duggins, it is the opinion of the court that your neck brace was an verged tempt to change the opinion of this court, therefore beclouding your testimony. I find in favor the defendant.

(He hits the desk with his gavel. Mr. Duggins gives a defeated look.)

Carol (to the judge): Thank you.

(Mr. Duggins goes up to the judge to retrieve the list.)

Marcia: That was really smart, Dad.

Mike (mimicking Chan): Honorable father uses honorable noodle.

Carol: Honorable mother most grateful.

(They kiss. Meanwhile, Mr. Duggins tears up his list. The family prepares to leave.)

Bobby: Dad, can we see the judge for a second?

Carol: What for?

Cindy: Maybe he can decide who spilt the ice cream?

(They exit the courtroom and the scene fades.)

untitled whiplash

(The final scene has Peter and Jan fighting over a candy bar.)

Peter: It’s mine!

Jan: It is not, it’s mine!

(Cindy comes by.)

Peter: Jan, let go.

Jan: I won’t. It’s my candy bar.

Peter: No, it’s not.

Jan: Yes it is.

Cindy: Let me settle this. I was just in court learning all about what’s really legal.

Peter: Okay by me.

Jan: Okay.

(Cindy takes the phone and use sit as a gavel.)

Cindy: The court will now come to order. Whatever Judge Brady says goes. Let me see the evidence.

(Peter and Jan begrudgingly show her the bar of candy.)

Cindy (to Peter): You say it’s yours and she says it’s hers, right?

Peter: It’s mine, I bought it yesterday.

Jan: It is not, it’s mine. I just bought it at the store.

Cindy: Hmm, very tough case, only one thing to do.

(She eats it and Peter and Jan chase after her.)

                                                  THE END

untitled turn his head

S3 E22 My Fair Opponent

untitled she's mad

My Fair Opponent

Written by Bernie Kahn

Marcia helps a friend who was nominated for senior banquet hostess. Then she has to run against her. I hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRTADY

MOLLY WEBER, Marcia’s friend

SUZANNE, another friend

MR. WATKINS, Marcia’s principal

COL. DICK WINFIELD

(The episode begins with Marcia coming home in an angry mood. She kicks a basketball in her way and slams the back door shut. She sees Cindy writing have a nice day on the blackboard in the kitchen with a smiling face.)

Cindy: Hi, Marcia.

(She takes the piece of chalk from Cindy. Then she crosses out nice and turns the smile into a sad face. She sees Mike coming out of his den as she heads upstairs.)

Mike: Hi, honey. (she slaps the rail on the staircase as she walks up the stairs) Something wrong, huh, Marcia.

Marcia (seething): Ooh, there sure is! My senior class just played the dirtiest rick I ever heard of!

Mike: Oh yeah, what kind of trick.

Marcia: Well, the kids at school just (Pause) I’m so mad I can’t even talk about it!

(She storms to her room as the scene fades away.)

untitled molly

(Next, Marcia puts her books away and begins to sulk. Mike and Carol come in the room.)

Carol: Marcia.

Marcia: Yes?

Carol: Honey, I think you better tell us what this is all about.

Mike: What was the trick your senior class pulled?

Marcia: Well, (she sits down on her bed) this afternoon my class had nominations for the hostess for senior banquet night. They nominated two girls and one of them was Molly Weber.

Carol: And you think you deserved it?

Marcia: No, that’s not the point.

Mike: Well, then, what’s the matter?

Marcia: Molly’s the matter. Poor Molly, she’s really not that attractive, and she’s the shyest, the most (Pause) she’s completely wrong to be the banquet night hostess.

Carol: Then why did the kids nominate her?

Marcia: For a joke, a terrible joke. The other girl they nominated was Patty Hobart, the most popular girl in the class.

Mike: Well, does this girl Molly know it’s a joke?

Marcia: No, not yet. She was so thrilled to be nominated it went right over your head. And when the teacher’s selection committee interviews Patty and Molly for their choice, poor Molly, she’ll be sorry she was ever born.

Mike: Well, if you’re so upset about it, maybe you can think of a way to help her.

Carol: Right. You know, lots of people blow off steam about something they think is wrong, but very few people are willing to get involved and do something about it.

Marcia: I’m willing to get involved.

Mike: Then give it some thought, honey.

(They leave the room and Marcia begins to ponder. The next morning, Carol and Alice have the kids’ lunch bags ready.)

Carol: That’s it, Alice. 6 lunches.

Alice: And one corn beef sandwich left over.

Carol: Oh, don’t worry about it. We’ll recycle it tomorrow and use it for hash.

(Bobby, Cindy, Jan and Greg come out and take their lunch. They ask what it is and Carol tells them they’ll find out when they get to school.)

Alice: We need a crossing guard for the kitchen, Mrs. Brady.

(Marcia and Peter come out.)

Marcia: Mom, I’ve been thinking and thinking and I can’t think of a way to help Molly Weber.

Peter (grabbing his lunch): I know a way.

Marcia: What? Tell me.

Peter: Put a bag over her head, that’ll be a big help.

(He laughs.)

Carol: Peter, that’s not nice.

Marcia: I’m afraid that’s what all the kids think about Molly, Mom.

Carol: Well, honey, not everybody can be a raving beauty.

Alice: Right. Just ask my mirror.

Marcia: It’s not just her looks so much. It’s the way she talks and her shyness, and she’s so awkward. I just wish I could think of a way to make her more attractive to the Teachers Selection Committee.

Alice: Uh, that kind of magic only happens in the movies.

Marcia: Well, bye.

Carol: Bye.

(She gets an idea and turns around.)

Marcia: The movies! (She runs back to Carol and Alice) Hey, wait a minute, do you remember My Fair Lady? (Carol nods) Well, remember how Professor Higgins took the plain cockney flowered girl and changed her into a beautiful cultured lady?

Alice (glumly): Yes, I saw that picture four times.

Marcia: Well, maybe I can do that in real life!

Carol: Hey, maybe you could. Listen, there’s an article in one of my magazines about improving yourself. Maybe that would help.

Marcia: I’ll get started on that right away. I’ll bring her home after school.

Carol; Honey, don’t hurt her feelings, okay.

Marcia: Okay. I’ll ease into it. Bye.

(That afternoon, Marcia comes home with her friend Molly. Molly is very drab and wears oversized glasses and a plain dress.)

Marcia: Come on, Molly.

(The guys are playing basketball when she introduces her to them.)

Marcia: Here’s Molly.  (they get closer to them) Molly, I’d like you to meet my brothers. Greg and Bobby, and you know Peter.

Peter: Hi, Molly.

Bobby: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Marcia: We’re studying together.

Greg: That’s nice.

Marcia: Come on, Molly.

(They go inside.)

Peter: Didn’t I tell you she was a wipeout?

Greg: She’s not too bad looking.

Bobby: She isn’t too good-looking either.

(He grabs the ball and successfully takes a shot. Cindy and Jan see Marcia and Molly from inside the family room.)

Cindy (to Jan): Is that Molly Weber?

Jan: Yes, and remember, she’s very shy. So if you’re gonna say anything at all to her, say something nice.

Cindy: Okay.

Marcia: Hi.

Jan: Hi.

Marcia: Oh, Molly, you know Jan.

Jan: Hi, Molly.

9Molly pushes her glasses up.)

Molly: Hi.

Marcia: And this is my sister Cindy.

Cindy: Hello, Molly. so nice to meet you. We always like nice people to come visit us. That’s a very nice dress you’re wearing, and nice glasses too. You really look nice today, even though I never met you before.

(Jan gives an embarrassed look, as does Marcia. We next see Mike coming into the kitchen, where Carol is cooking dinner.)

Mike: Hey, honey, what smells so good? Pulled my nose right out of the den.

(He lifts the top off the pot Carol is cooking with.)

Carol: Ah, ah, ah, ah. That pot and that pot will just have to stew another hour.

(Marcia comes in the kitchen with Molly.)

Marcia: Hi, Mom, Hi, Dad. Molly, I’d like you to meet my parents.

Mike: Hi, Molly.

Carol: Hi, Molly.

Molly: Hi.

(She pulls her glasses up and doesn’t even look at them.)

Marcia: We’re going to do some homework together.

Carol: Would you care for a snack before you start, Molly?

Molly: No thank you, ma’am.

(Carol shrugs.)

Mike: Well, just make yourself at home.

Marcia: Come on, Molly.

(Molly walks by and accidentally knocks a pot of vegetables on the floor.)

Molly (scared): Oh, I’m so sorry!

Carol: Oh, honey, that’s okay.

(She reaches down to put them back in the pot.)

Molly: I mean, I really am sorry.

Marcia: But Molly, that can happen to anybody. Come on.

(They go up to Marcia’s room.)

Mike: That kid is afraid of her own shadow.

Carol: Yeah, I’m afraid Professor Marcia Higgins has her work cut out for her.

(Marcia and Molly are upstairs in her bedroom.)

Molly: I’m the clumsiest creature on Earth.

Marcia: I’ve done that millions of times.

Molly: I can’t imagine why the girls nominated me to be hostess at senior banquet.

Marcia (joyful): But they did, and I think that’s a terrific honor.

Molly: But I know I don’t have a chance to win.

Marcia: Now that’s the wrong attitude. You gotta be positive.

Molly: I am positive, positive I’m gonna lose. Sally Hobart is the most popular girl in the class.

Marcia: Well, I think you have a good chance, if you really care.

Molly: I do care. This is the biggest thing that ever happened in my life. But look at me.

(She puts her glasses up again.)

Marcia: Well, Molly, you can do lots of things to improve yourself, if you really try.

Molly: I could?

Marcia: Sure. For one thing, would you mind taking off your glasses?

(Molly takes them off and Marcia takes them.)

Marcia: You have beautiful eyes, but they’re hidden behind these glasses. You ever thought of wearing contact lenses?

Molly: Well, I’ve got some. But I figured what the use. It’s like trying to make a scarecrow in a beauty contest.

(She laughs.)

Marcia: Molly. there’s other things that you can do too that’ll really help.

Molly: You think so?

Marcia: Come on, by next Monday the kids at school are gonna see a brand new Molly.

Molly: I hope so, I sure will be glad to get rid of the old one.

(She bumps into the bed when they get up to leave the room. Next. they are in the family room with Marcia coaching Molly to be more graceful.)

Marcia: Hi, there.

Molly (quietly): Hi there, Marcia.

Marcia: Molly, you have to look at people when you talk to them? Once more, louder and smile. Be friendly.

Molly (louder): Hi there, Marcia.

Marcia: Well, that was better. Now, straighten your back. The key words are poise and dignity.

Molly: Poise and dignity.

Marcia: Right, so stand up straight and proud. (Molly stands a little straighter) That’s it, now chest out.

Molly: It is out.

Marcia: Okay. (She walks by) Hi there, Molly.

Molly (waving): Hi there, Marcia.

Marcia (smiling): Good.

(We next see Marcia give Molly lessons on how to walk straight, with a book on her head. Molly walks a few feet before the book falls off. Cut top the bedroom, where Marcia is helping Molly with her clothes, then in the bathroom doing Molly’s hair to a more desirable style. We next see Molly coming over with a brand new look. She looks beautiful and is wearing very nice clothes. The guys are out in the backyard working on a bicycle.)

Molly: Hi there.

Greg: Hi.

(They don’t recognize her but finally they look up and are surprised to see the new, improved Molly.)

Molly: How are you doing?

Greg: Molly?

Peter: Wow! You look great, nothing at all like you. I mean…

Molly: That’s okay. See ya.

(She goes inside.)

Peter: Did I say she was a wipeout?

Greg: You know, well, I just wiped her back in.

(Carol is putting dishes in the cupboard and Molly knocks.)

Carol: Who is it?

Molly: It’s me, Mrs. Brady, Molly.

Carol: Oh hi, honey, come on in.

(Molly opens the door and comes inside.)

Molly: Hi.

Carol (pleased); Molly, you look lovely!

Molly: Thanks, I’m supposed to meet Marcia here.

Carol: Oh, I’m sorry, honey, she isn’t home yet.

Molly: May I help you?

Carol (laughing): Well, be careful, now.

Molly: Don’t worry, I’m giving up clumsy.

Carol: I just can’t get over the change in you, Molly.

Molly: Thank you. It’s sort of a trial run for me. I’m going to school tomorrow for the first time as the new me.

Carol: Well, I’m sure all the kids in school are in for a big surprise.

Molly: And it’s all due to Marcia.

Carol: You can wait upstairs in her room if you’d like. Jan and Cindy are up there.

Molly: Thank you. (She starts to leave the kitchen and sees Alice) Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi. (She notices Molly) Molly? Molly!

Molly: Hi.

Carol: Well, Alice, what do you think of the preview of the new Molly?

Alice: Preview? That’s opening night.

Molly: Thanks, Alice.

(She heads for the staircase as Mike is coming down.)

Molly: Hi.

Mike: Hello. (He realizes it’s Molly) Molly?

Molly: Nice to see you again, Mr. Brady.

(She heads up the stairs)

Mike: Nice to see you too.

(Cut to the girls’ room, where Cindy is giving Jan’s hair a stroke.)

Cindy: Ninety.

Molly (coming in the room): Hi.

Jan: Hi. Wow, Molly, you’re all put together.

Molly: Marcia really did it all.

Cindy: I wish she’d do that for me.

Jan: When you’re ready.

Cindy: I’m ready, I’m ready!

(Marcia comes in.)

Marcia: Hi, sorry I’m late. (to Marcia and Jan) You guys get out, Molly and I have some work to do.

Jan: Okay.

(He gets up and she and Cindy leave. Cindy stops.)

Cindy: I’m really ready.

Marcia: Out!

(She leaves.)

Molly: What’s there left to do?

Marcia: Your speech for the selection committee.

Molly: You’re gonna help me with it?

Marcia: Right now.

Molly: Marcia, I really don’t know how to thank you. But I’ll pay you back someway.

Marcia: You can pay me back by being selected as hostess.

(The next day, Marcia comes home in a depressed mood.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Marcia: Hi.

Carol: Well (Pause) Come on and tell me, what happened at school today with Molly?

Marcia: Everybody thought Molly was a knockout.

Carol: Well you don’t seem very excited about it.

Marcia: Something else.

Carol: What?

Marcia: Well, Patty Hobart, the girl running against Molly had to drop out. Her folks are going on a vacation and she won’t be here for banquet night.

Carol: Well that’s terrific, then Molly will be the hostess.

Marcia: It doesn’t work like that. Now, the number three girl, the one who was nominated as the alternate, has to move up and compete against Molly.

Carol: Who’s that.

Marcia (pointing to herself): Meet number 3.

(The scene fades away.)

untitled new improved molly

(The next scene has Marcia and Carol discussing the matter in the living room. Marcia constantly interrupts Carol after she asks for her opinion.)

Marcia: what a dumb predicament. I go all out to help molly win, and now I have to run against her. What am I gonna do, Mom?

Carol: Well, I…

Marcia: I guess there’s only one thing I can do, drop out. If I happen to beat Molly, it would just crush her.

Carol: Well then, why don’t you…

Marcia: On the other hand, I’d just love to be hostess. It’s a big event.

Carol: Well, in that case…

Marcia: But I couldn’t do that to Molly, it means so much to her to be hostess.

Carol: Oh, well…

Marcia: But it means a lot to me too, you know. It’s quite an honor.

Carol: Oh, but…

Marcia: But I’d be miserable if I did that to Molly. I’m gonna drop out. I’ll tell her at school tomorrow.

Carol (patting Marcia’s knee): You do that.

Marcia: I feel much better now, thanks for all your help, Mom.

Carol: Oh, well, that’s what mothers are for.

(She reaches over and gives Marcia a hug. Marcia gets up.)

Marcia: Bye.

(Carol appears exhausted and confused. The next scene is at her school. Jan comes over to talk to her.)

Jan: Marcia, Marcia, you haven’t told Molly, have you? About your dropping out for hostess?

Marcia: No, I haven’t seen her yet?

Jan: Good, then I caught you in time.

Marcia: What do you mean?

Jan: The fantastic news. I was just in the principal’s office and I happened to overhear something. There’s gonna be a change in the guest of honor at your senior banquet night.

Marcia: You mean it’s not gonna be the principal.

Jan: No, it’s gonna be Colonel Dick Winfield, the astronaut.

Marcia (excited): Colonel Winfield! The one who’s going to the moon on one of those new missions? You’re kidding.

Jan: It’s true. He’s the most famous graduate of this school. He’s gonna be the guest of honor. Isn’t that fabulous?

Marcia: It’s terrible.

Jan: Terrible? Colonel Winfield is gonna escort the hostess on banquet night.

Marcia: That’s what makes it terrible. It won’t be me.

Jan: You mean you’re still gonna drop out?

Marcia: Jan, I can’t change my mind now. Not if I know what I’m doing is right. I’d be miserable.

Jan: Look, you’d be miserable if you weren’t the hostess too, won’t you?

Marcia: Jan, I just have to drop out.

Jan: Well, I hope you know what you’re doing.

Marcia: I do. It’s just harder now, that’s all.

(Next, Molly goes up to a classmate to say hello.)

Molly: Hi, Suzanne.

Suzanne: Hi Molly, it’s terrific the way you changed. We (she and her friends) were just talking about it.

Molly: Thanks. See you in class.

Suzanne: Bye.

(Marcia is sitting on a bench reading and Molly approaches her.)

Marcia (getting up): Hi, Molly.

Molly: Hi, Marcia. Like my new outfit?

(She turns around to show it all off.)

Marcia: It’s really pretty.

Molly: Everybody thinks so. Did you hear about the new guest of honor for banquet night? Isn’t that fantastic?

Marcia: Yeah. It’ll be a really exciting evening for you.

Molly: Well, the teachers haven’t made the final selection yet.

Marcia: Molly, I’m dropping out. (Molly gives her a surprised look) You see, I’m already on the yearbook committee and the graduation exercise committee and, I’ve just got so many things to do.

Molly: Oh, that’s too bad. You would’ve made it a close race.

(Marcia gets offended).

Marcia: What do you mean close race?

Molly: Well, it’s amazing how popular I’ve become. Now that I’ve changed my looks and personality. The whole school’s talking about me.

Marcia: Well, you did have a little help you know.

Molly: Marcia, it doesn’t make any difference how I got there. The point is that I’ve arrived.

Marcia (angry): Wow, I guess you bet you can beat me easy.

Molly: Why else would you drop out? You wouldn’t be too busy if you thought you could win and be escorted by an astronaut.

Marcia: Well, maybe I’m not too busy after all.

Molly: Then go ahead and try to beat me. (She sees another friend of hers) Hi, Sally, wait up.

(A furious Marcia storms away.)

Suzanne: Hi, Marcia, we just saw Molly…

(Marcia walks away and we cut to that evening. Greg is in his room studying and there’s a knock at the door.)

Greg: Come in.

(Jan comes in the room.)

Jan: Hi, Greg. Marcia’s working on a speech and she wants to know if she can borrow some paper.

Greg: Oh, sure. (He gets up and gets some from his desk) What’s the speech for?

Jan: Faculty selection committee. It’s one of the things they judge you on for banquet night hostess.

Greg: I thought she worked on Molly’s speech last week.

Jan: She did but this one’s for Marcia.

Greg: She said she was dropping out.

Jan: Well, she isn’t.

Greg: What changed her mind?

Jan: That monster she created. Molly’s body is normal but her head’s bigger than a basketball.

Greg: Well, that’s a female for you. (He hands Jan the paper) You know, you can’t trust one as far as you can throw an elephant.

Jan: Right.

Greg: They got the brains of a goony bird.

Jan: Right, hey, wait a minute, I’m one of them.

Greg: Yeah, uh, sisters are different.

Jan: Okay.

Greg: Tell Marcia good luck with the speech.

(Jan goes into her room and gives Marcia the paper.)

Jan: Here’s your paper, Marcia.

(Marcia throws away some crumbled paper she was using.)

Marcia: Thanks.

Jan: And Greg wishes you luck with the speech too.

Marcia: I’m gonna need it. I used all my best words for the speech I wrote for Molly.

(Next, Marcia goes into the family room to speak to Carol and Mike.)

Marcia: Mom, Dad, can you help me with something?

Carol: Sure, honey.

Mike: What’s that, sweetheart?

Marcia: Well, the faculty committee judges us on several things to be hostess. And for one thing, you have to dance the first dance with the host.

Carol: Well, that shouldn’t be any trouble for you, honey. You’re a good dancer.

Marcia: Yeah, but I dance like this. (She demonstrates a popular dance of her era) And at the banquet, with the principals and all the teachers there, well, we have to dance like when you were kids.

Mike: I think she means way back in the old days.

Carol: Speak for yourself, senior citizen.

Marcia: Can you show me how to waltz properly?

Mike (surprised0; Waltz?

Carol: Okay. (Marcia turns the radio on) I’ll teach you the waltz and your father can show you the minuets.

Mike: Oh, thank you from the bottom of my silk knee bridges.

(We hear the waltz on the radio and Mike gets up and reaches his hand to Carol. Alice comes in to watch.)

Mike: Shall we? (Carol gets up and they start to dance) 1,2,3. 1,2,3. 1,2,3.

Marcia: Hey, the waltz is really beautiful.

Mike: Sure, you bet your Loompa pa.

Alice: Oh, isn’t that nice? You two haven’t danced for a long time.

Carol: Yeah, how come you never take me dancing?

Mike (to Alice): You had to open your big mouth.

(Carol laughs and turns to Marcia.)

Carol: Now. it’s your turn, honey. Come on.

(Marcia dances with Mike, who repeats the 1,2,3, good, better, on your knees lines. Then he goes over to Alice, and they do the waltz.)

(Next, Marcia is on the bathroom as the boys are waiting to get in and demanding she gives them a chance.)

Greg: Come on, Marcia, it’s our bathroom too.

(He knocks but gets no response.)

Peter: Marcia won’t even answer.

Bobby: How many times can she wash her hair?

Greg: Marcia, you’ll scrub yourself bald.

(Bobby snickers.)

Peter: I’m glad the contest for the banquet hostess only comes once.

Bobby: Who wants to be a dumb old banquet hostess anyway?

Greg (sarcastically): Well, I would. (He glides around) Please, Mr. Principal, pick me, I got poise and charm.

(Peter and Bobby laugh. Peter walks with a towel on his head.)

Peter: But I got good posture, see Mr. Principal?

Bobby: Pick me, I got personality. I’m a living doll.

(He shakes around and Greg throws a towel at him. Bobby goes to throw it back as we cut over to the school. Marcia and Molly are being interviewed for the final round.)

Watkins: Sit right here, girls. (They take their seats and Mr. Watkins continues) All right, Marcia and Molly, last part is the least. Your speeches about why you want to be hostess for senior banquet night. You may go first, Molly.

(He sits down and Molly gets up and begins to speak.)

Molly: Mr. Watkins, and members of the selection committee, senior banquet night has always been the highlight of our graduation exercises. And the highlight of my last year in junior high has been working on the readers and writers club. I’ve learned many new things here at Fillmore Junior High School.

(Next, Marcia is giving her speech.)

Marcia: And so, the honor of being hostess is one that we will remember long after we say good-bye to our school. And to have that honor would be the high point of my years at Fillmore Junior High School. Thank you.

(Marcia takes her seat as the judges tally up their scores.)

Watkins: Before I announce the winner, I want to tell you we had the most difficult time reaching a decision. So you’re both to be congratulated. As a matter of fact, you were exactly even up until the speeches. But we feel that one of them captured the spirit of the occasion a little better than the other. It’s my pleasure to announce this year’s hostess for senior banquet night is (Pause) Molly Weber.

(Molly cheers and gets up to shake his hand.)

Molly: Thank you, Mr. Watkins, thanks to all of you.

Watkins: Congratulations Molly, that was an excellent speech you gave.

(Marcia sat in her seat looking and feeling dejected. We next see her at the house playing a game in the kitchen with Mike and Carol.)

Marcia: I don’t feel like playing anymore, I think I’ll go to bed.

(He gets up.)

Mike: Honey.

Marcia (stopping): Huh?

Mike: You did your best in the competition, didn’t you.

Marcia: Yeah.

Carol: Well, you can’t do more than that.

Marcia: I know, but what kills me is Molly beat me with a speech that I helped her write.

(She heads upstairs but the doorbell rings.)

Marcia (calling): I’ll get it!

(She answers the door and it’s Molly.)

Molly: Hi, Marcia.

Marcia: Molly. What are you doing here?

Molly: Well, I came over to thank you for all the help you gave me. I really do appreciate it, Marcia.

Marcia: Okay, so you appreciate it.

Molly: Especially the speech you worked on for me. I’m afraid I haven’t acted very nicely towards you.

Marcia: Okay, Molly.

Molly: Now, there’s someone here who wants to meet you.

(Colonel Winfield appears at the door.)

Winfield: Hi, Marcia. I’m Dick Winfield.

Marcia (excited): Colonel Winfield, the astronaut.

Winfield: Yes. I met Molly in the principal’s office. She was telling Mr. Watkins all you’ve done for her.

Marcia: You were?

Molly (nodding): Uh huh.

Winfield: Mr. Watkins and I decided that in view of the special circumstances, this year we will try something new for senior banquet. (Marcia looks at him in suspense) Co-hostesses.

Marcia: Co-hostesses? (to molly) You mean, me and you?

Molly: Yeah, how about it, Marcia?

Marcia (happy): Oh, wow. I’ll go get my parents. (She slams the door in their face unintentionally, then goes to reopen it when  she realizes her mistake) Sorry. Won’t you please com ein? I’ll go get them.

(Her absent mindedness causes her to run outside and shut the door. She knocks and the colonel opens the door.)

Winfield (jokingly): Ah, so nice of you to drop by. Come in, Marcia.

Marcia: My parents… are inside.

(She leads them to the kitchen to meet Mike and carol as the scene fades.)

 

(The final scene has Marcia coming home from the banquet. Mike and Carol are in the living room.)

Marcia: Hi, I’m home.

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart. How was the banquet?

Marcia: Oh, it was super. And I got the first waltz with Colonel Dick Winfield, even before Molly.

Mike: Oh, wonderful.

Marcia: And I’ll bet he remembers me a lot longer than Molly too.

Carol: Well, that’s not exactly being modest, you know.

Marcia: He’ll never forget me. I stepped on his feet seven times.  (She repeats the dance by going 1,2,3 all the way to the stairs.) Good night.

Carol; Good night, honey.

(She continues with the 1,2,3 up the stairs until the scene fades.)

                          THE END

untitled final round

S3 E21 Cindy Brady, Lady

untitled cindy and marcia

Cindy Brady, Lady

Written by Al Schwartz and Larry Rhine

Cindy gains a secret admirer who makes her feel more mature. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

TOMMY JAMESON, Bobby’s friend and Cindy’s date

(The episode begins with Cindy and Jan in the bathroom. Jan is changing her hairdo to give herself a more mature look.)

Jan: Dreamy, huh, this hairstyle is called the exotic. Do you think I look exotic?

Cindy: What does exotic mean?

Jan (in a sophisticated voice): It means alluring, exciting, a woman of the world.

Cindy: Maybe I should fix my hair like that, then I’d be a woman of the world too.

Jan: It would look silly on you, Cindy, you’re still a child.

Cindy (annoyed): I’m not either!

(She comes out of the bathroom and then she’s in the family room coloring while Marcia is on the phone.)

Marcia: Yeah, uh huh, I know, Jerry, I think you’re real groovy. But I already promised to go to the school dance with Doug Williams. Sorry, but he asked first. A soda tomorrow? Well, uh, well, let me check my schedule. Hold on. (She gets off the phone to ponder while Cindy laughs) Yeah, yeah, I think I can make it. Okay, see you tomorrow at school. Bye.

(She hangs up)

Cindy: Boy, a dance and a soda, all in the same week.

Marcia: It’s no big deal.

Cindy: Maybe I’ll ask some boy to call me.

Marcia: Cindy, you don’t ask a boy to call you, you get them to call you.

Cindy: How?

Marcia: By being mature, playing it cool.

Cindy: I’m cool, but no boy ever calls me for a soda.

Marcia: But you’re not even 10 years old.

Cindy: Yeah, but I still get thirsty.

Marcia: Children don’t go out on dates, and, you’re just a baby.

Cindy (offended): Baby! Why did I have to be born so young?

(She angrily goes upstairs to her bedroom. She finds her doll, Kitty-Karry-All.)

Cindy (to the doll): I’ll show them, from now on I’m gonna be an older woman.

(The scene fades out.)

untitled grown up cindy

(The next scene has Cindy in her parents’ room. She lets down her hair, puts on her mother’s dress, and some high heels. Carol and Mike enter the room.)

Mike: Oh, pardon me, madam. We were looking for our little daughter, Cindy, about so high.

(He puts his hand to where her head normally is.)

Carol: And she has two lovely blonde ponytails.

Cindy: That Cindy doesn’t live here anymore. I’m grown-up and mature now.

(She starts to walk and almost slips on one of the heels.)

Mike (grabbing her): Oh, well, I think maybe (he looks at the heels) yes, I think you better get out of those shoes before you fall and break your neck.

Carol: Sweetheart, can I borrow this dress? I was gonna wear it to a party tonight.

(They pull the dress off her.)

Cindy (whining): I was feeling all grown-up. I’ll just be a little girl again.

Mike: Aww, and what’s so wrong about being a little girl?

Cindy: Everything, when you got two older sisters?

Carol: But Cindy, you’ve always had two older sisters.

Cindy: Yes, but now boys take them places, like dances and football games and the pizza place.

Mike: Cindy, you’ll go to all those places when you get a little older.

Carol: Don’t be in such a hurry, honey. Why this should be the happiest time of your life.

Cindy: Then why am I so miserable?

Mike: I’ll tell you why you’re miserable, because trying to act your sisters’ age, instead of your own.

Carol: Why, in just a few short years, you’re gonna be a teenager too.

Cindy (unhappy): I wanna be a teenager now.

(She starts to walk away. Carol stops her.)

Carol: Oh, sugar, can I have the shoes too? They go with the dress.

(She takes them off then leaves the room. We next see Alice in her bedroom, getting ready for bed.)

Alice: Ow, wow. (He wipes something off her face) Gotta get a new mirror. One that lies a little.

(Cindy appears.)

Alice: Oh hi, honey, come on in. It’s me in case you didn’t recognize me.

(Cindy sits down on Alice’s bed.)

Cindy: Alice.

Alice: Hmm.

Cindy: Mom and Dad are at the party. Can I talk to you?

Alice: Why, you bet, honey. What’s the trouble.

Cindy: Everybody in this house treats me like a baby. And I wanna be older.

Alice: Well, that’s life for you. You wanna be older, I wanna be younger. You think you got a tough job, try mine for a while.

Cindy: I fixed my hair like Jan’s, I wore high heels, and everything. But everybody still thinks I’m little Cindy.

Alice: You know what your real problem is, honey? You can’t find Mother Nature. It’s a losing battle, believe me, I know. I’ve blown enough money on ammunition. (She beckons her to the mirror) This is what I have to go through every night before I go to bed. Cold cream on my forehead, and then, wrinkled cream on my neck. And, some genuine, imported, European mud for any of the spots that I missed in between. And then, just to make sure, that my double chin doesn’t go triple, I have to sleep (she puts something around her head) with my head in a hammock. Trick or treat.

Cindy: Gee Alice, you do have a tougher job than me.

(Next, Mike and Greg are outside working on the car. Cindy comes out.)

Cindy: Dad.

Mike: Yes, honey.

Cindy (showing him  a book): Can you help me with this word?

Mike: Well, let’s see. Where? (He looks it up) Idiosyncracy? Well, that means peculiarity or something odd in the way a person behaves.

Greg: What’s a word like that doing in a kid’s book?

Cindy: I happen to be reading a Farewell to Arms, by Ernest Hemingway.

Greg (taking the book): She is reading Hemingway?

Mike: Don’t you think that’s a little old for you?

Cindy: Marcia’s reading it. If it’s not too old for her, it’s not too old for me.

Greg: Cindy, why don’t you stick to Alice In Wonderland, The Wizard of Oz.

Cindy (angry): Those are children’s books!

(She storms off.)

Greg (to Mike): Why’s she mad at me?

Mike: Oh, I don’t think she is. She’s just upset because she’s not as old as her sisters, you know. They have dates and they go places, and she just feels left out.

(Cut to Cindy’s room, where Greg goes to apologize to Cindy, who is playing with Marcia’s nail polish.)

Greg: I didn’t mean to kid about the Wizard of Oz.

Cindy (glumly): That’s okay.

Greg: Say, Cindy, I was thinking. There’s a track meet tomorrow afternoon. Would you like to go see it with me?

Cindy: Thanks, but it’s no fun for a girl to go out with her own brother.

Peter (coming in the room): Hey, Cindy, I’m going on a hike tomorrow, you want to come alomng?

Greg (condescendingly): Cindy doesn’t date her own brothers.

Peter: Oh, okay.

(Cut to downstairs, where the phone is ringing.)

Cindy: I’ll get it, Mom. (She picks up) Hello, no Marcia’s out. Can I take a message? (Carol looks on and smiles) Yeah, I got it, you’re Doug Williams and you’re calling about the school dance. Say, by the way, Doug. I’m Marcia’s sister, Cynthia. And I was thinking, if you have a friend, we can double date. I know I sound young, but I’m very old for my age. I think (she turns around and notices Carol, who came up to her) I think I’ll tell her when she comes in, bye.

(She hangs up.)

Carol: Do you remember what your father an di told you about acting your age, Cynthia?

(He puts her hand on Cindy’s chin.)

Cindy: It’s such a dumb age. Why couldn’t I have skipped from 8 right up to 15.

(She runs upstairs. We next see Alice taking a package from the front door.)

Alice (calling): Cindy, a package for you. A package for Ms. Cindy Brady!

(Cindy comes running down the stairs.)

Cindy: A package? For me?

Alice: Well, it’s sort of a package. It’s addressed to you and I found it in the mailbox.

(She takes the package and opens it. She finds a note in there with it.)

Cindy (excited): It’s a candy bar, and it’s wrapped up in a note.

Alice: What does it say?

(She reads it.)

Cindy (joyful): Alice, you won’t believe it!

Alice: Try me!

Cindy: it says, you don’t know me, but I sure dig you. Signed, your secret admirer.

Alice: Secret admirer, how about that?

Cindy: I wonder who it could be.

Alice: Whoever he is, he must think a lot of you. He blew 10 cents on that candy bar.

(She walks tot he kitchen.)

Cindy: I wonder who. Who cares. I got a secret admirer.

(She opens the paper and starts eating the bar. Next, Mike comes home with flowers.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart.

(He kisses her.)

Carol: Oh, Mike, you shouldn’t have.

Mike: I didn’t, they’re for Cindy. With a note signed from your secret admirer.

Carol: Where did you find them?

Mike: On the front steps.

Carol: I wonder who the mystery boy is.

Mike: I don’t know, but his taste in girls is better than his taste in flowers.

(Next, Greg is in the kitchen reading and Bobby comes in from the family room.)

Bobby: Hey Greg, Greg, I found this hair ribbon at the back door.

Greg: A hair ribbon?

Bobby: Yeah, and this note. To Cindy, from your secret admirer.

Greg: He gives her a present every day. He’s sure putting a dent in his piggy bank.

Bobby (heading for the stairs): Hey Cindy, you got another you know what from you know who.

(We next have Peter coming home from the front door.)

Peter (yelling): Cindy! Hey, Cindy! Cindy!

(He doesn’t notice Carol, who’s putting something in the coat closet.)

Carol: Peter, will you please stop yelling? Cindy isn’t even home yet.

Peter: Oh. Look what she’s got. Right outside the door.

(He hands her an engagement ring.)

Carol: Ooh, the secret admirer strikes again.

Peter: And boy, did he strike hard. Look at that.

Carol: Ooh.

Peter: If it’s real, it’s worth a fortune.

Carol: I don’t think it’s real, Peter. (She blows on it, then rubs it on her sleeve) But I do believe it’s an engagement ring.

Peter: Wow, Cindy’s engaged, and we don’t even know who he is.

(Cindy is in her room checking out the ring and Marcia and Jan come in.)

Marcia: Another note for you, Cindy.

(He gives it to Cindy.)

Marcia: He doesn’t miss a day.

Jan: He’s really flipped over you. (Cindy opens it) What did he say this time?

Marcia: Come on, read it.

Cindy (looking up): I am reading it.

Jan: We mean to us.

Cindy: This is personal, between my secret admirer and me.

Marcia (sarcastically): Well, pardon us.

(They walk away and Cindy reads.)

Cindy (to herself): When I think of your face, and awful cute dimples. From head to toe, I get goose pimples.

(She smiles to herself and we cut to the next scene. Later on, the phone rings and Marcia and Jan race to answer it.)

Marcia: it’s probably for me, I’m expecting a call.

Jan: It could be for me too.

Marcia (answering): Hello. No, this is Marcia. Oh, just a minute, please.

Jan (trying to grab the phone): I told you it was for me.

Marcia: It’s not for you either (calling) Cindy! Phone call! (to Jan) It’s a boy.

Jan: Maybe it’s her secret admirer.

(Carol and Mike smile from the chairs they are sitting on as Cindy answers and Marcia and Jan leave the room.)

Cindy (getting on the phone): Hello. Yues, this is Cindy. (she gets excited) Who? Oh wow, at last we’re talking face to face! (Marcia and Jan look on from the kitchen) Uh huh, I got the flowers, the candy, and the big diamond ring. I like them all, but I think i like the candy the best.

Bobby (disguising his voice form another phone): I called because I wanted to hear your voice. And you know something, it’s as pretty as you are.

Cindy: You sound pretty too. When can I see you in perosn?

Bobby: Well, uh, I’m kind of real busy. The only time I can see you is at 3 o’clock tomorrow, and you can’t, because you have your ballet lesson.

Cindy: How do you know?

Bobby: How? Um, that’s when my sister takes ballet, so i figured you might too.

Cindy: Hey, you know what? My ballet teacher’s sick. So come over to my house tomorrow at 3. Bye. (She hangs up and picks up again) Secret admirer.

(She hangs up again.)

Bobby: Hello, hello. Hello, hello. (to himself) All that trouble I went through just to get myself in trouble.

(The scene fades out.)

untitled another grown cindy

(The next scene has the boys sleeping that evening. He gets up to write Cindy another note.)

Bobby (writing): Dear Cindy, I can’t meet you tomorrow because I am moving to Europe. You’ll always be the grooviest. Signed, your secret admirer.

(Bobby puts his robe and slippers on. Then he goes down the stairs to put the letter in the mailbox. He opens the door to go outside, then it shuts behind him. Carol and Mike hear it from their room.)

Carol: What was that?

Mike: It sounded like a door slam.

(Bobby tries to open the door to get in. Mike comes down and opens the door. Bobby almost runs into him.)

Mke (shutting the door): What were you doing outside at this hour?

Bobby: Walking in my sleep?

Mike: Do you always go walking in your sleep in your bathrobe and your slippers?

Bobby: Maybe I was dreaming it was cold outside.

(Mike notices the note in Bobby’s hand.)

Mike: What’s that? Buh, let’s see. Hand it over. (Bobby shows it to him and Mike reads it) Is that you? (Bobby nods) upstairs, secret admirer.

(Cut to Mike and Carol’s room, where Bobby is explaining his motive.)

Bobby: All I wanted to do was make Cindy feel more grown-up like Marcia and Jan.

Mike: We know you meant well, Bob.

Carol: But giving Cindy an imaginary boyfriend was only building her up for a big letdown.

Mike: She had to find out the truth sometime.

Bobby: I guess you’re right. What are we gonna do?

Mike: We aren’t gonna do anything. You are.

Cindy: You are going to tell Cindy the truth first thing in the morning.

Bobby: Can I write it on a note and leave it under the door?

(Carol shakes her head no, and so does Mike. Bobby gets the idea.)

(Next morning, the boys are getting ready for school. Bobby seems to be hesitating.)

Greg: Hey, come on, Bobby. We better get down for breakfast.

Bobby: I’ll be down in a minute.

Peter: Okay, but I might eat some of your pancakes.

Greg; I’ll split them with you.

Bobby: Hey, can I ask you guys a question?

Greg: Sure.

Bobby: Well, if you gotta do something you really don’t wanna do, how do you do it?

Greg: Oh, if you gotta do it, do it quick. Get it overwith.

Peter: Yeah, quick. You know, like when you take medicine in one big gulp. (He demonstrates taking medicine) Blecch.

Greg: What have you gotta do?

Bobby: Oh, something. Blecch.

Greg: Good luck.

(He and Peter leave the room. We cut over to the girls’ room.)

Marcia: You must be excited, Cindy, today’s the big day.

Jan: I bet you can’t wait to meet your secret admirer.

Cindy: I hope he’s taller than me.

(Marcia and Jan leave the room and Bobby enters.)

Bobby: Cindy, can I talk to you for a minute?

Cindy: Okay, but don’t make me late.

Bobby: I won’t, I’ll make it short. (Pause) You know those notes and things you got from your secret admirer?

Cindy: Yeah.

Bobby: Well, I write poems too.

Cindy: Not as good as his.

Bobby: Well, you know the phone call you got?

Cindy: Yeah.

Bobby: Didn’t his voice sound kinda like mine?

Cindy: Oh no, he’s a much older man. At least 13.

Bobby: Well, I got something to tell you.

Cindy: What?

Bobby: I guess it can wait.

Cindy: Okay.

(She leaves and Bobby shrugs before he leaves as well. We cut over to their school. Bobby’s friend Tommy goes to get on his bicycle. Bobby goes up to him.)

Bobby: Hey, Tommy, I’ve been looking all over for you.

Tommy: What for?

Bobby: I figured you might want to do some swapping.

Tommy: Sure.

Bobby: Come on.

(They go over to the stairs in front of the school. Bobby reaches into his pocket.)

Tommy: What have you got?

Bobby: Well, I hate to give it up, but what would you give me for this rabbit’s foot?

Tommy (taking something from his pocket): This pencil sharpener.

Bobby: It’s a deal.

(They trade off and slap each other five.)

Bobby: Look what I’ve got.

(He shows him.)

Tommy: Wow, a real Kennedy half dollar. What do you want for it?

Bobby: Are you kidding? It’s too valuable to swap.

Tommy: Oh, come on. I’d give almost anything for it.

Bobby: Would you do almost anything for it?

Tommy: Like what?

(Bobby smiles at him and we next see Alice back at the house, opening the front door. It’s Tommy with some flowers.)

Tommy: Hi, I’m Tommy Jamison. I have a date with Cindy.

Alice: Oh, so you’re the mystery man. Come right in, Tommy.

Tommy: She doesn’t know who I am, but it’s me.

Alice: Well, you’re a very fine looking man. I’ll  let her know you’re here. (She calls upstairs) Cindy, someone is here to see you! Sit down, make yourself at home, Tommy.

(Cindy comes down the stairs to meet him. Marcia and Jan look on.)

Cindy: At last I have the pleasure of making your acquaintance.

Tommy: Hi.

(He hands her the flowers.)

Cindy: Look, I’m wearing your ribbon.

Tommy (surprised): My ribbon? (He suddenly realizes) Oh, yeah, my ribbon.

Cindy: Let’s step outside. A breath of fresh air would be nice. Wouldn’t it.

(Marcia and Jan are still looking as Cindy takes Tommy by the arm. They walk through the kitchen.)

Cindy: Alice, I think we might want some refreshments later.

Alice: Oh, of course, I’ll start working on that right now.

(She hands Alice the flowers.)

Cindy: Would you please put these in water?

Alice: Right away.

Cindy: Thank you.

(She and Tommy head outside.)

NOTE: Cindy sticks out her tongue after saying her last line. Susan Olsen thought they were still rehearsing.

(Cindy leads Tommy outside to the backyard.)

Cindy: This is where I used to play, when I was a little girl.

Tommy: Want to have a swing contest?

Cindy; Swings are for children. I think Ernest Hemingway is very interesting, don’t you?

Tommy: Does he go to our school?

Cindy: Of course not, he’s a famous writer.

Tommy (noticing): Hey, that’s a neat teeter-totter.

Cindy: I’ve outgrown teeter-totters.

Tommy: How about climbing a tree?

Cindy: That isn’t very mature either.

Tommy: Well, it’s been nice meeting you. Bye.

(He starts to walk away.)

Cindy: Wait, Tommy, don’t you like me?

Tommy: You’re too grown up for me.

Cindy: I’m not really grown up. I was just pretending, for a date. (She lets her hair down) See, this is how my hair really looks.

Tommy: Hey, that’s neat.

Cindy: I like to climb trees, and I like swings, and play on the teeter-totter.

Tommy: You do?

Cindy: Uh huh, and I even collect lizards.

Tommy: Lizards? I collect them, too.

Cindy: You do.

Tommy: Yeah, I never thought I’d meet a girl who likes lizards.

Cindy; I love them.

Tommy: So do I. Gee, this is the best date I ever had.

Cindy: Me too.

Tommy: It’s also the only one I ever had.

(Alice comes out with two banana splits.)

Alice: Refreshment time.

(Cindy and Tommy get off the teeter-totter and race toward the patio table.)

Cindy: Hey,. look, banana splits!

Tommy: I love banana splits almost as much as lizards.

Alice: I’m afraid you’ll have to settle for bananas. I’m not serving lizard splits.

(Later on, Mike and Carol are back from shopping.)

Carol: Huh, Alice, you should’ve seen the stores. I couldn’t believe the crowds.

Mike: I couldn’t believe the price tags.

(He puts stuff in the refrigerator and carol notices Cindy outside, playing on the teeter-totter with Tommy.)

Carol: Who is that boy out there with Cindy?

Alice: Oh, that’s Tommy Jamison, Cindy’s date.

Mike: Date?

Alice: That’s her secret admirer.

Carol: That can’t be her secret admirer. Bobby was supposed to…

Mike (to Alice): Where is Bobby?

Alice: Well, he’s in there.

(She points to the family room. They walk in there and see Bobby watching Cindy and Tommy from the window.)

Mike: Bobby. (He turns around) You care to explain what’s going on out there?

Carol: You were supposed to talk with Cindy this morning.

Bobby: Well, I got a better idea. I gave Tommy Jamison my Kennedy half dollar to be Cindy’s secret admirer.

Carol (upset): You mean you bribed the boy to be Cindy’s date?

Bobby: Well, it only cost 50 cents.

(Tommy knocks on the door and motions to Bobby to come outside.)

Bobby: What do you want?

Tommy: I want to give you back your Kennedy half dollar.

Bobby: Oh no, you made a deal. You gotta stick with it.

Tommy: I will. I mean, you don’t have to pay me to play with Cindy. She’s real neat. For a girl, I mean.

(He gives Bobby back the coin and continues playing with Cindy. Bobby shrugs and comes back inside.)

Bobby (to Mike and Carol): Isn’t that great? It didn’t cost me anything.

Mike: Well, hang on. Because this incident isn’t quite closed yet, you know.

Bobby: Well, before you say anything. Just remember, it’s a happy ending.

(He flips the coin but Carol catches it.)

Carol: Ha, ha, for him maybe. For you, we’re not so sure.

(The scene fades out.)

untitled cindy and tommy untitled cindy meets tommy

(The final scene has Cindy running into the kitchen.)

Cindy: Alice!

Alice: Yes.

Cindy: The lizard Tommy gave me got out of his box. Have you seen him?

(Alice is standing on the kitchen table.)

Alice: Yes I have. He’s over there.

(She points to where it is. Cindy smiles and goes to retrieve it.)

                                       THE END

untitled tomorrow

 

S3 E20 Sergeant Emma

untitled emma

Sergeant Emma

Written by Harry Winkler

Alice goes away for a week and so her cousin Emma, an army sergeant, takes her place and proceeds to turn the house into an army base. I hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GRGE BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

EMMA

(The episode begins with Alice leaving for a vacation. She says good-bye to Mike and Carol.)

Alice: I made out the shopping list, Mrs. Brady. And I finished the wash and I don’t think…

Carol: Alice, will you please stop worrying? We’ll be fine. Now just have a nice vacation.

Alice: I will, I really will. (She starts to cry) You know, it just broke my heart saying good-bye to the children this morning. It’s just gonna seem like a year before I see them again.

Mike: Alice, you’re only gonna be gone a week.

Alice: So I’m 358 days off.

(Mike and Carol laugh.)

Carol: Well, they’re gonna miss you too.

Alice: Well, I wouldn’t go if I didn’t know you had a first-rate pitch hitter for me. You’re gonna love my cousin Emma.

Mike: Oh, yeah, I’m sure we will.

Alice: like I said, she’s efficient, well-organized, a born manager.

(We see Emma arriving at the Brady house. One of the kids’ bicycles was on the ground, so she took it and put it back up. She also picked up a football and put it on the patio table. She comes inside the house.)

Alice: Oh, there she is now, hi, Emma.

Emma: Hi there, Alice.

Alice: My, it’s good to see you.

Emma: You too.

Alice: Emma, meet Mr. and Mrs. Brady.

Mike: Hello, Emma.

Carol: Hi. It’s nice to have you with us.

(Emma gives a little smile.)

Mike: We hope you’ll be comfortable.

Emma: Thank you, I just hope I’m able to make you people comfortable.

Alice: There are six more Bradys to meet when they get home from school.

Emma: Good, the more there are, the better I like it.

(They hear a car honking.)

Alice: Oh, that would be Sam to drive me to the airport. Well, adios, aloha, arrivederci.

Carol: Alice, now what kind of a good-bye is that?

Alice: When you get on an airplane nowadays, you never know where you’re gonna end up. (Carol hugs her good-bye) Now you take good care of the Bradys, cousin Emma. (The car horn honks again) I’m coming.

(She leaves.)

Emma: I think I can handle the job, folks. I wasn’t in the wax for 20 years for nothing. Musted out as Master Sergeant.

Carol: Master Sergeant?

Alice: Yes, ma’am. Helped run the mess hall for an entire company.

Mike (amazed): That must have been a very difficult job.

Emma: Not if you’re organized.

(Bobby and Cindy run in the house screaming and leave the door open.)

Emma: Halt! About face! (The kids turn around) Forward march and close the door. Come on, hut 2, hut 2, hut, hut, hut. Move along, hut 2, hut 2. (They close the door and Emma turns to Mike and Carol) Just a question of control.

Bobby (to Cindy): Hut 2?

(The scene fades.)

untitled alice and emma

(Early the next morning, the family is awoken by a loud whistle from Emma.)

Peter (waking up): What’s happening?

Greg (waking up): I don’t know. (Emma blows her whistle off once more) There it is again.

Emma (coming in their room): Up and atom, men.

(She turns their light on.)

Greg: Up and atom who?

Emma: Move it, out of the sack. Hut 2.

Peter: But it’s barely light outside.

Emma: Right, Rise with the sun, get your day’s work done.

Bobby: But we don’t work, we go to school.

Emma: Makes no difference. Good habits start early in life.

Greg (tiredly): Do they have to start so early in the morning?

Emma: Cut the chatter, men. Suit up and fall out in the yard in 15 minutes.

(She leaves the room and shuts the yard.)

Greg: The yard?

Bobby: What are we gonna do in the yard?

(They get out of their beds and follow Emma’s instructions. She is next in the girls’ room.)

Emma: Rise and shine girls. Breakfast is at old 800 hours.

Marcia: But it’s only 6:00 in the morning?

Emma: Right.

Jan: What are we supposed to do until old 800 hours?

Emma: Calisthenics.

Cindy: Calisthenics?

Marcia and Jan: Oh, no.

(They get back under the covers and put them over their heads.)

Emma (pulling the covers off them): and when I say calisthenics, I mean calisthenics.

(Cut to the backyard, where Emma and the kids are doing jumping jacks.)

Emma: Hut 2,3,4, hut 2 and that’s all.

(The kids stop.)

Greg: If that’s all, I think I’ll be going back to bed.

(The other kids agree.)

Emma: As you were. (They stop) Never break formation before you’ve been given the order. Back, back, snap to it. Hut, hut, hut, hut. We’re just getting warmed up.

(She looks something up on her list.)

Jan: How come we had to come out here to get warmed up?

Cindy: Yeah.

Marcia: I was warm right in bed.

(Mike and Carol notice from inside.)

Mike: Boy, she really has the kids hustling.

Carol: You think it might be too much for them, Mike?

Mike: No, a little exercise can’t hurt ’em.

(Cut back outside.)

Emma: All right, what we’re gonna now is deep knee bends. (The kids protest) And I mean deep. (She gives a demonstration) Got it? Ready, set, exercise. Hut 2, hut 2.  Heads up, chests out. Backs straight, looking great.

Peter (to Greg and Bobby): This is for the birds.

Bobby: Yeah, the birds.

Greg: Are you kidding? No bird in his right mind would do knee bends at 6:00 in the morning.

Jan (to Marcia): Can she do this to us?

Marcia: She’s doing it for a treat.

Cindy: My knees been okay before we started.

Emma: Hut 2, hut 2, hut 2, hut 2, and that’s all. Fall out.

Cindy: Can we eat now?

(The other kids cheerfully agree. Emma blows her whistle.)

Emma: Simmer down. There will be no chow until inspection quarters.

(Next, she is upstairs inspecting the boys’ room.)

Emma (to Peter): A little more elbow grease on those shoes.

Peter: Yes sir, ma’am.

(She goes into his drawer and takes out a pair of socks.)

Emma: That’s no way to stow socks. You roll them like this. (She rolls them and hands them to him) That’s a regulation sock roll. (She inspects Greg’s bed) That looks like a mushy bed, soldier. (The guys come closer to the bed and she bounces a quarter on it) Tighten that blanket, that quarter is supposed to jump like a spring.

Greg: Yes, ma’am.

Bobby: Why?

Emma: Why. Regulations, that’s why. (She looks around the room) Well, it’s not too bad for a first inspection. (she pats Peter’s back) At ease.

(She leaves the room.)

Peter: This is like being in the Army.

Greg: I wonder what the punishment is for going over the hill.

(Bobby laughs. Emma is next in the girls’ room.)

Emma: Well, girls. Do you think this room can stand the glove test?

Marcia: What’s the glove test?

(Emma has a white glove on her hand. She taps the desk with a finger of the glove.)

Emma: That’s the glove test. (She shows them dust on the glove) Get rid of that dust.

(She walks out of the room.)

Jan (whispering): Why don’t we keep the dust and get rid of her.

Cindy: Yeah.

Marcia; Uncle Sam had her, why didn’t he keep her?

(Next, Mike comes home form work and he sees Carol sitting on the bottom of the staircase, looking concerned.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Carol: Hi.

(He notices her worried frown.)

Mike: Uh oh, something’s wrong.

Carol: What makes you say that?

Mike: Because, you have that something is wrong look in your eyes.

(He kisses her cheek.)

Carol: Well, it’s Emma.

Mike: Uh, oh, what’s wrong with Emma?

Carol: Well, I know she means well, honey. But, she’s awfully hard on the kids.

Mike: Oh, you mean the exercises?

Carol: Well, it’s not just the exercises, the room inspections, and the awful hut 2, hut 2, all over the place.

Mike: Honey, she’s just one of those persons who has to have everything organized.

Carol: Oh, you’re not kidding, she’s organized me right out of my own kitchen. (Pause) Oh, by the way, this is for you. (She hands him a piece of paper) she wants you to initial it.

Mike: Oh yeah, what’s this?

Carol: Well, it’s a duty roster?

Mike: A duty roster?

Carol: Yeah, she’s given the kids assignments. There’s KP, laundry detail, trash detail, bathroom detail.

Mike: I’m surprised she didn’t say la treem.

Carol: She did. I had to translate for the kids.

Mike: Oh well, honey, there’s nothing wrong with the kids having duties assigned to them.

Carol: You mean you approve of all this?

Mike: Well, a little discipline can’t hurt.

Carol: Okay, I wonder if you’ll feel the same way at dinner tonight.

Mike: What’s gonna happen at dinner tonight?

Carol: You’ll see.

(That evening, Emma is in the kitchen and the kids all come in.)

Emma: Troops, in here troops, in here. Grab a plate and get in line. Form a line right over here. No pushing. Organization is the order of the day.

Peter: What are we eating?

Emma: Potatoes MacArthur, Beef Eisenhower, Succatosh Pentagon. After you’re finished eating, I want you to rinse off your plate and pile them in the sink. Now who’s got KP on the duty roster?

Jan: I guess I do.

Emma: Then you eat first. Hut 2, hut 2.

Greg (to Marcia): You know what we’re having?

Marcia: Succatosh Pentagon?

Carol (to Mike): Hut 2, hut 4, I don’t like this anymore.

Mike: I get the terrible feeling we’ve all been drafted.

(The next scene has Greg and Marcia coming into the family room to discuss the matter with Mike and Carol.)

Greg: Dad, Mom, can we talk to you for a minute?

Mike: Sure, what’s the trouble?

Marcia: What isn’t the trouble?

Greg: Do we have to go in for that gung ho jazz? Especially the exercises.

Mike: Well son, nothing wrong with building up your body.

Carol: And what better way of exercising every day?

Emma (coming in the room): I’m glad to hear you feel that way, Mr. and Mrs. Brady. People don’t always like what’s good for them.

Mike: Yeah, that’s what I was pointing out. Kids need exercise.

Emma: Adults too, Mr. Brady, if you know what I mean.

(Mike gives her a surprised look.)

Mike: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I know what you mean.

Emma: You too, Mrs. Brady. You have a nice little figure there, you wouldn’t want it to go to pot.

Carol (sheepishly): No, (she gives Mike a little slap on the wrist) I guess I wouldn’t.

Emma: Good, well I’ll expect you both to join us tomorrow morning, Roger?

Greg (to Carol): Like you said, there’s nothing wrong with building up your body.,

Marcia: And what better way of exercising every day, right?

Emma: Tomorrow morning at old 600 hours.

Carol: Old 600 hours?

Mike: That’s 6:00 in the morning.

(Emma smirks. the next morning, Carol and Mike are participating in the exercise, along with the kids. Emma stands over them with a stick while they do push-ups.)

Emma: Hut 2,3,4. Hut 2,3,4. Hut 2,3,4, make those tummies clear the floor. 5,6,7,8. Lower those backs and keep them straight. Hut 2,3,4. Hut 2,3,4. Hut 2,3,4, and halt.

(They all gladly drop to the ground.)

Mike (to Carol): Well, certainly makes you feel better, doesn’t it?

Carol: I don’t know. Right now, I can’t feel anything.

Emma: All right, troops, may I have your attention? I’d like to make an announcement. Tomorrow morning we will not be doing calisthenics. (They all cheer) Hold it, hold it. Instead, I’ve got a special surprise.

(The next morning, Emma and the family jog around the neighborhood.  Carol stops to rest by holding on to a tree to relax. They continue to jog all the way to the house.)

Emma: Hut 2, hut 2, come on in and hut 2, hut 2, hut 2. (She repeats hut 2) All right, fall out. Hut 2, hut 2).

(She jogs inside and the family drops to the grpund.)

Mike (to Carol): Oh, honey, I’m sorry I got you into this. Why don’t we just drop it and go home.

Carol: Are you kidding? And face the court marshal?

(Emma comes back out.)

Emma: Chow time.

(They all get up and rush inside. The scene fades out.)

untitled bounce a quarted untitled glove test

(The next scene has Carol and Mike in their room, laying on their beds, exhausted.)

Mike: As Sergeant Emma would say, “Are you A Ok?”

Carol: Oh, no, my A is far from OK, and my B and C are the same.

Mike: You know, if Emma weren’t Alice’s cousin, I’d ship her out for overseas duty.

Carol: Here, here.

(There is a knock on the door.)

Mike (tired): Come in.

(Marcia and Greg enter.)

Marcia: Mom, Dad.

Carol: Yeah.

Greg: On behalf of all the kids, we’d like to put a proposition to you.

Mike: What kind of proposition?

Marcia: Well, if you don’t have to have Emma for the rest of the week, we’ll do all the housework.

Greg: We’ll even get up at old 600 hours and do stuff before we go to school.

Marcia: And we’ll come straight home and do work too.

Greg: What we’re trying to say is, we’d like an honorable discharge from Emma’s Army.

Carol (laughing): Oh, that’s funny,. your father and I were just talking about that.

Greg: And.

Mike: Well, it’s not quite that simple. Emma is Alice’s cousin and we’re in a delicate ground.

Carol: We wouldn’t want to hurt Alice’s feelings, would we?

Marcia: I guess not.

Greg: We didn’t think of that.

Mike: Hmm. Well, I guess we’re stuck for the duration.

Greg: I wish we could give her a 3 day pass or something.

Carol: Yeah, that sure would help. (she gets an idea) Hey, why not. (she turns to Mike) Mike, why couldn’t we get her to take a couple of days off.

Marcia: Or even one.

Mike: That’s a good idea, let’s talk to her.

(Carol feels some pain in her back. Mike massages it.)

(The next scene has Mike and Carol coming into the kitchen, where Emma is setting dishes in the cupboard.)

Emma: Oh, just arranging these dishes in G.I. order. Have you ever read the Army manual on mess hole organization?

Carol: No, I’m afraid I haven’t,

Emma: Well, you should, it’s an eye opener.

Mike: Emma, we appreciate you working so hard, but, Mrs. Brady and I are a little concerned about it.

Carol: Yeah, we think you’ve been working a little too hard.

Emma: Nothing wrong with hard work.

Mike: Uh, no, no. But you can overdo it. Um, even in the Army they gave you 3 day passes, didn’t they.

Emma: Oh, sure they did, but, I never took ’em.

Carol (disappointed): You never took them?

Emma: Mr. and Mrs. Brady, I served 20 years in Uncle Sam’s army. Never gold bricked once, I’m not about to start now. No sir, I got a week’s special duty here and you’re gonna get every minute of it. Mr. Brady, that buckle of yours is tarnishing. I got an army rag, it’ll shine that right up.

(Emma goes to get it and Marcia and Greg come in from the living room.)

Marcia: We heard.

Carol: Sorry, kids. Emma’s not going to budge until Alice returns from her vacation.

Marcia: I don’t think I can stand it until Alice gets back.

(Carol and Mike go upstairs.)

Greg (to Marcia): There must be something we can do.

(That evening, they conspire with the other kids.)

Greg: I called you guys together for some good news. Marcia and I have figured out some plans for Sergeant Emma. (The other kids cheer.)

Greg (to Bobby and Cindy): You two will have a special mission to knock Emma out of the loop.

Marcia (to Peter and Jan): And you two are gonna help me and Greg.

(The next day, Bobby and Cindy come in the kitchen with a mouse.)

Cindy: You think Emma’s going to be scared?

Bobby: Sure. Remember Alice? She screamed and jumped 10 high.

Cindy: Yeah.

Bobby: Emma will leave here as fast as she can. Now where should we put it?

Cindy: How about the wastebasket?

Bobby: Perfect! (to the mouse) Okay guy, we’re counting on you.

Cindy: It was sure nice of Benji to lend him his pet mouse.

(Bobby puts the mouse in the garbage can.)

Bobby: Ready?

Cindy: Roger. (she laughs) Emma’s got me saying it.

Bobby: Okay, go.

(They start screaming for Emma. She comes in the kitchen.)

Emma (pulling it out); Ahh, this little fellow. (Bobby and Cindy get squeamish) He wouldn’t hurt a fly. (The kids get disappointed) Remember, a good soldier isn’t afraid of anything. He’s cute. Here (she hands it to Bobby) Take a pet out of him.

(She walks away.)

Bobby: She sure wasn’t scared of a mouse.

Cindy: Maybe Benji has a skunk.

Bobby: A skunk? I think we need King Kong.

(Next, Emma is dusting in the family room when Jan and Peter come in.)

Jan: Hi, Emma.

Emma: Hi troops. (He goes back to dusting then notices them staring) Want something?

Jan: We were just wondering why you’re working so hard if you feel so bad.

Emma: Who says I feel bad?

Peter: Well, you’re always telling us to stand up straight like you do. And from the way you’re bent over, you must feel terrible.

Emma: I’m just bent over dusting.

Jan: What about the dark circles?

Emma: What dark circles?

Jan: Under your eyes.

Peter: Yeah, and you look kind of feverish.

Emma: Feverish?

Jan: Maybe we shouldn’t have said anything.

Peter: Yeah, forget it Emma, see you around.

(They walk away and Emma, looking suspicious, feels her head. Greg and Marcia come in.)

Marcia: Hi, Emma.

Emma: Hi.

(They stare at her and she turns around.)

Greg: Emma, are you okay?

Emma: Well, sure I’m feeling okay.

Greg: Your face is so flushed. I thought you might be sick. (Emma looks at them with a straight face.)

Marcia: And what’s the matter with your eyes?

Emma: My eyes, why?

Marcia: Well, they look kind of blazed.

Greg: Maybe she’s getting the pink eye. Emma, now you’re getting pale as a ghost.

Emma: Pale?

Greg: You better sit down (they take her by the arms) You look like you might faint.

Emma: Why I never fainted in my life.

(They sit her down.)

Marcia: I think you’re supposed to put your head between your knees.

Greg: Emma, you oughtta take it easy. Go away for a couple of days rest.

Marcia: Right!

Emma: You know what’s the matter with me? It’s those calisthenics.

Marcia: Why, I bet that’s what it is.

Greg: Too much exercising. Right?

Emma: Wrong. I’ve been too easy on myself. Getting soft as a civilian. Effective  600 hours tomorrow, double calisthenics. We’re really gonna shape up around here.

(She goes back to the dusting, leaving Greg and Marcia plenty upset.)

(We next see her and the whole family doing exercises the next day. She also inspects and the girls room, then the boys room. She has Bobby fold a shirt. Finally, she shows Carol how to sort out her shoes and Mike how to fold socks. She then has the family go around the doghouse on their knees. The next morning, Carol and Mike are in their room sleeping as Carol looks to see what time it is. She elbows Mike.)

Carol: Honey, honey, honey, you know what time it is?

Mike: Time for Emma’s exercises.

Carol: Yeah. (laughing)

Mike (suddenly realizing): Oh! Do you realize what today is?

Carol: Ahh, how could I forget? Alice is coming home, the prisoners of war are about to be liberated.

Mike: Oh boy, she sure will be a sight for sore eyes, and sore back and sore arms and sore legs.

Carol: The kids could hardly wait. Honey, why don’t we give Alice a coming home party?

Mike: Hey yeah, why don’t we.

Carol: Yeah, why don’t we. I’ll order a cake from the bakery and have Greg pick it up on his way home from school.

Mike: Yeah, I’m for that. (Carol sighs in relief) Well, we better get a move-on. You know how Emma is about her old 600 calisthenics.

Carol: Roger, I don’t want to get thrown in the stockade.

(The next scene has Greg and Marcia coming home with the cake.)

Marcia: Hi, Mom.

Carol: Hi.

Greg: Where’s the cake.

(He opens it up.)

Greg: Oh, that looks delicious.

Marcia: Delicious but fattening.

Carol: Yeah. (to Greg) Here, let me help you, careful now.

(She and Greg take it out of the box and set it on the table. Greg goes to throw the box away and runs into Emma, who comes in the kitchen.)

Emma: Hi, mind if I look too.

Carol: Well, it’s just  a cake, Emma.

Emma: Oh, that’s a party cake if I ever saw one.

Carol (sheepishly): Well, let me explain, Emma, you see it’s…

Emma: (interrupting): You don’t have to explain, Mrs. Brady, I understand.

Carol: You do?

Emma: Of course I do, today’s my last day here and you want to give me a going away party. Right?

(They all look at her in astonishment.)

Carol (reluctantly): Right.

(Next, the Bradys are eating cake and drinking milk with Emma, in the living room. She makes a speech.)

Emma: Well, troops, I never really expected anything like this. I want you to know this is the nicest thing that’s happened to me since I got the general Haggerty award for my campaign make your barracks beautiful.

Carol: Oh, Emma, it’s really notihng.

Emma: Oh, yes it is something, folks. The army is a lonely life. You make a friend, you get transferred away. The heaving for me used to be going to PX for extra shoe polish. I loved every single minute I’ve been here. And you all shaped up just great. In my power I give you all good conduct metals with an open cluster.

(She blows her nose and Alice comes in the door.)

Alice: Hi, everybody. I’m back.

(The family gets up and cheers and welcomes Alice with open arms. That makes her pleased as punch.)

Alice: Wow, what a reception. I should just walk out and come in again. (She notices what’s left of the cake) Well, having a little celebration here?

Emma: Cousin Alice, my wonderful platoon has made a farewell party for old Sarge.

Alice: Aww, isn’t that nice. See, I told you the Bradys for something really special. And I guess you all discovered that Cousin Emma is something special too.

Carol: Oh, she’s something special, all right.

Mike: you better believe it.

Alice: Well, that’s great, because I won’t have to feel funny about going away again. We can just ask Cousin Emma to come back.)

(The family gets dismayed by that statement as the scene fades out.)

untitled party

(The final scene has Carol and Mike in bed when they hear a whistle blowing. Soon, the whole family is woken up. It turns out Alice woke them up.)

Mike: Alice, it’s 6:00 on the (Pause) morning.

Alice: yeah, I know.

Carol: What are you doing with that whistle?

Alice: Emma left it for me. She said the whole family just loved getting up at 6 and exercising. (The family looks at her with disgust) Yeah, and she left me as a matter of fact, all these instructions and a whole lot of other things. (The family goes back to bed) First, calisthenics at old 600, then the mess hall, followed immediately by the white glove test, then the inspection of quarters, then if, only if, everyone passes, then… (She looks up and notices they all left) Hey, where did everybody go? Gang.

                                                          THE END

 

S3 E19 The Power of the Press

 

untitled scoop brady

The Power of the Press

Written by Ben Gerghman and Bill Freedman

Peter becomes a reporter for the school paper and writes a column under the pen name Scoop Brady. He does a good jib but his grades suffer in the process. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

HARVEY, Peter’s friend

IRIS, another friend

DIANE, another friend

MR. PRICE, science teacher

(The episode begins with Peter running home in an excited mood. He drops his books then goes to pick them up. He then runs in the house shouting for attention.)

Peter: Mom, Alice! Greg, Marcia!

(He runs through the kitchen and is unable to see that Carol and Alice are there.)

Carol: Hey, Peter, Peter, what’s the matter? Is something wrong?

Peter: No, I got great news.

Carol: Ah, that’s a relief.

Alice: Come on, tell us the news.

Peter: You know the school paper.

Carol: Yeah.

Peter: They needed a new reporter. A lot of guys tried out for it, but who do you think they picked?

Carol: Well, I’ll take a wild guess, you.

Peter: Yeah, how did you know?

Alice: Women’s intuition.

Peter: I’m not just any going to be old reporter, I’m gonna have my own column.

Carol: your own column? That’s terrific.

Alice: Congratulations, Peter.

Peter: Thanks, and I know just what I’m gonna call it. The whole truth by Scoop Brady.

Carol: Scoop. Ahh, that’s great.

Peter (excited): I’m gonna write a column that will stand Fillmore Junior High on its ear. Then I’ll write one for high school, then for college. I might become a famous reporter. Maybe I’ll win a Pulitzer prize. But first i better do something.

Carol: What’s that?

Peter: Learn how to type.

(He laughs and then Carol throws a towel at him, then pats him on the head. the scene fades.)

untitled scoop

(The next scene takes us to the girls’ room.)

Marcia: Jan, did you take my pencils?

Jan: Nope.

Marcia: I had three pencils in this drawer, they’re gone.

Jan: Check with Scoop brady.

Marcia: Oh, no. First he takes my carbon paper, then my eraser, now my pencils.

Jan: Mine too.

Greg: Did either one of you take the pencils from my desk.

Marcia: No.

Greg: Well somebody did.

Marcia: Check with Scoop brady.

Greg: For crying out loud, first he takes my carbon paper, then my erasers, and now my pencils.

(The girls laugh.  Mike is in his den looking for something and Carol comes in.)

Carol: You call me honey?

Mike: Sweetheart, have you seen my typewriter? it was in here this morning.

Carol: Oh, I forgot to tell you. power of the press. Scoop Brady borrowed it.

Mike: You’re kidding. First he takes my carbon paper, then my erasers, and my pencils, now my typewriter.

Carol: Well, he said he was short on the tools of his trade.

Mike: Oh, well, I guess it’s all pretty exciting for him. Put my notes on the tape recorder.

Carol: Listen, by the way, honey, don’t go looking for your old brown hat.

Mike: My old brown hat?

(Peter is in the family room typing away. he is wearing Mike’s old hat with press written on it. He throws away a paper and we see the garbage can is filled with other papers he threw away. Bobby and Cindy come in and Bobby turns the television on.)

Cindy: Peter, why are you wearing Dad’s old hat?

Peter: Because that’s how us reporters look in the newspaper game. And the name isn’t Peter, it’s Scoop.

Bobby: Scoop, you mean Stoop.

Peter: Very funny.

(Bobby and Cindy watch the television while Peter types.)

Cindy: I think we saw this one already.

Bobby (disagreeing): Nah. They all look the same.

(Peter gets distracted by the tv.)

Peter: Will you guys turn that thing off, I’m trying to think.

(They ignore Peter’s request and then he turns the television off.)

Bobby (turning the tv back on): Hey, what are you doing?

Cindy: We were watching!

Peter: I told you, I can’t think!

Bobby: Well, that’s nothing new!

(Peter turns it off again but Bobby turns it back on.)

Peter: Will you guys knock it off, I’m trying to work!

Cindy: You better knock it off, there’s two of us and only one of you.

(Peter turns the tv off again and they all get in another argument. Mike comes in.)

Mike: Wait a minute, wait a minute! (The kids pipe down) What’s the matter?

Peter: Hi, Dad.

Bobby: Big Shot Stoop won’t let us watch TV.

Peter: They can watch TV upstairs, I’m trying to work.

Mike: Why can’t you work upstairs?

Peter: Dad, a newspaper man has to be by the phone. You never know when a big story might break.

Mike: Well, that’s a point. Why can’t you kids watch television upstairs?

Bobby: That’s just a dinky little set up there, Dad.

Cindy: And what if we get hungry? This is right next to the kitchen.

Bobby: Yeah.

Mike: Look, kids, when somebody’s doing something that’s important to him, sometimes the others have to accept a little inconvenience.

Bobby (to Cindy): He means we got to watch upstairs.

Cindy: I know what he means.

(They leave.)

Peter: Thanks, Dad.

Mike: You’re welcome. How’s the column coming. Scoop?

Peter: Writing is sure a lot tougher than I thought.

Mike (reading): The whole truth. That’s all you got?

Peter: That’s all I can think of. (The phone rings and Peter gets excited) I bet that’s one of the guys with a high flash for the column. (He answers) Scoop Brady talking. Oh, it’s for you, Dad.

Mike: Mmm hmm, thank you.

Peter: Dad.

Mike: Yes?

Peter: Would you mind keeping it a little short? You never know when a big story might break.

Mike: Sure thing, Scoop.

(Next, Marcia and Jan are using puppets of their teachers to perform on the upcoming jamboree night.)

Marcia (as their gym teacher): All right, children, time for exercises.

Jan (voicing other students): Not again! We hate ‘Em!

Marcia: Oh, come on, now. 1,2. 1, come on, come on.

Carol (coming by): Hey, what’s going on here? (Marcia and Jan show her the puppets) Those are really cute.

Marcia (showing her one of them): This is Ms. Crocker, our gym teacher.

Carol: oh, how do you do, Ms. Crocker?

Marcia: How do you do? 1,2,1,2.

Carol: What are they for?

Marcia: We’re doing a skit on our teachers for jamboree night. You know, rib a little.

Carol: That’s the best time to rib them, after your final grades. And speaking of grades, you two have finals this week.

Marcia: I finished all my studying, Mom.

Jan: So did I, that’s why I’m helping Marcia with these puppets. (She takes another puppet and mimics the voice) I’m Mrs. Sundance, Marcia’s English teacher.

Carol: Well, hello.

(Marcia takes out another one.)

Marcia: And this is Mr. Price, the science teacher. (She mimics his voice) And now students, we take up the study of chlorophyll. Chlorophyll is a Greek word. Chloral means green and I guess Phil is the guy who discovered it.

(Peter comes out.)

Peter: You got Mr. Price down perfect.

Marcia: He’s the toughest teacher I ever had.

Carol: You have him this term, don’t you, Peter.

Peter: I sure do.

Carol: Well, just remember, Scoop Brady, you have finals too. So don’t neglect your studies because of that column.

Peter: Don’t worry, Mom. Everything is real cool.

Carol: Yeah, well, make sure everything doesn’t warm up (she takes the puppet of the gym teacher) 1,2,1,2.

(Marcia notices the column in his hand.)

Marcia: Is that your column?

Peter: Yeah.

Jan: Can we read it?

Peter: Well, uh.

Marcia: Come on. (She takes it and reads it) All it says is The Whole Truth by Scoop brady.

Peter: Well, I haven’t finished it yet.

Jan: It isn’t even started.

Peter: I had lots of trouble getting it started. Before I became a writer I could think of a million things to write about. Now I can’t think of one.

Marcia: Come on, there’s lots of things to write about.

Peter: Oh yeah, name one.

Marcia: Well, how about jamboree night.

Jan: And the girls’ basketball team, undefeated.

Marcia: And so is the debating team.

Peter: Hey, that’s real good stuff.

Jan: And the drama club is doing one 3-act play.

Marcia: And there’s a charity..

Peter: Okay, okay, you’re getting me confused. I’ll get on it right away.

Marcia (mimicking Mr. Price): I say, that Scoop is some reporter, I say, yes he is some reporter indeed.

(Next, Peter shows the column to Greg and Alice for their opinions.)

Peter: Well what do you think?

Greg: Well, it’s, it’s, it’s not a bad column, Pete.

Alice: Well, the typing is real neat, Peter.

Peter: You think it’s rotten.

Greg: Not at all. The items are fine. The way you wrote it, it’s a little (Pause) dull. Right, Alice.

Alice: Well, you could jazz it up a ittle.

Peter: How?

Alice: Well take the pie sale, you said, 14 apple pies were baked. Hah, couldn’t you say something like, what sweet young thing in the 8th grade bakes the wildest apple pies in town.

Peter: Hey, I get it. Make it more personal.

Greg: Right. The girls basketball item, you didn’t mention a single name. Kids like to see their names in the paper and read about themselves.

Alice: Particularly if you appeal to their vanity.

(Greg laughs.)

Peter: Vanity? What’s vanity?

Alice: Vanity is what makes women with size 12 feet wear size 8 shoes.

Greg: She means flatter them.

Peter: Names and flatter them. Boy will I ever. Thanks.

(We next see Peter typing away and then we see him at school. His friend Iris comes up to him.)

Iris: Peter, Peter.

Peter: Hi, Iris.

Iris: I just wanted to thank you, they picked me to be yell leader, and I owe it all to you.

Peter: Why me?

Iris: Because of all the things you wrote about me in your column.

Peter: I’m glad it helped.

Iris: Maybe we can have malts after school.

Peter: Swell.

Iris: And I’m paying, you’re my guest, Peter.

(Peter gloats to himself and his friend Harvey approaches him next.)

Harvey: Peter, you’re the greatest.

Peter: You mean the item in the column.

Harvey: I’ve never been so popular with girls. They really believe that stuff you wrote about me, being a great dancer.

Peter: Well you are, compared to me. I can’t dance at all.

(Harvey hands him something.)

Harvey: Here, it’s only some candy bars. But I just wanted to show my appreciation.

Peter: Thanks.

Harvey: Hey, and if you can think of anything else to say about me, I’ve got an uncle who owns a pizza place. See you.

(Peter smiles and next, his friend Diane comes to him.)

Diane: Peter, I’ve been looking all over for you.

Peter: Well, it looks like you found me.

Diane (very excited): Thanks for the great item in your column about my singing. Mrs. Merritt asked me to do a solo on jamboree night!

Peter: That’s great.

Diane: And Peter, I’m gonna have a super party soon, and you’re the first name on my guess list.

(She gives him a playful punch and Peter smiles at her. Next, Peter is at home talking on the phone with his friend, Eddie.)

Peter: I know you’re studying, Eddie. But I need an item for my column. Yeah, something real snappy. A little gossip for… (Mike comes by so Peter changes the subject to science) Have you got the whole thing on osmosis, Eddie? Yeah, I know, that science class isn’t too easy. Okay, let me know if you’re stuck again, bye.

(He hangs up and Mike goes to get an apple.)

Mike: Getting squared away on osmosis?

Peter: Yeah.

Mike: Well, that makes me feel a little bit better.

Peter: How do you mean?

Mike: All the time you’ve been spending on your column and all the parties you’ve been invited to, your mother and I have been a little bit afraid that you’ve been neglecting your schoolwork.

Peter: I’m gonna do more studying right now.

Mike: You are?

Peter: Yeah.

Mike: Hey, that’s good. Turn off the lights when you’re through.

(He leaves and Peter looks up.)

Peter: Osmosis. I got to find out what the heck an osmosis is or does.

(Next, Peter is talking to Greg and Marcia about science and his upcoming science final.)

Greg: We both had Mr. Price for science, and we know what kind of final exams he gives.

Marcia: I’m sure we can help.

Peter: Thanks. I just hope it’s not too late.

Marcia: The easiest way to remember things is by making up little rhymes about them, like, a vertebrate has a back that’s straight.

Peter: A vertebrate has a back that’s straight. Hey, that’s a great idea.

Greg: Do you know what a primate is?

Peter: Primate, primate, primate. I don’t think I do. On second thought, I’m sure I don’t.

Greg: You can remember it like this. A primate has the size and shape of a monkey, a man or any old ape.

Peter: A primate has the size and shape of a monkey, a man or any old ape. Hey, that’s a great system.

Greg: Hey, it worked for me.

Marcia: Me too.

Peter: Hey, I just thought of another good rhyme.

Greg: What?

Peter: Next year’s gonna be so nice, I won’t have to worry about Mr. Price.

Greg: Pete, you better hit the book, and read it.

(Peter starts reading and Marcia picks up the puppet of Mr. Price.)

Marcia: Mr. Price, have pity on my brother.

(Next, we see Mr. Price at Peter’s school. Peter comes to speak to him.)

Peter: Mr. Price.

Price (looking up): Yes, Peter.

Peter: I was wondering, the exam we took on Friday. Have you finished grading all the papers yet?

Price: Not all of them.

Peter (in relief): Oh.

Price: It is my customary procedure, I grade papers alphabetically, according to students’ names. I am presently up to L.

Peter (upset): L, then you’re past B.

Price: The key analytical deductions, Peter, the note of your deductions of the examination, I’m afraid, Peter.

Peter: That sounds like I didn’t do so good.

Price: You didn’t do so well, either. (He searches for Peter’s test) I’m quite disappointed in you, Peter. For the first half of the semester, you have received a B. I thought you’d be one of my better students.

(He gives him the test paper.)

Peter: Is this test gonna have a big effect on my report card?

Price: Final examinations usually do. Peter.

Peter: Thank you, sir. (He leaves the room and looks at his test in the hallway) D, a big, fat D.

(The scene fades away.)

images mr. price

(The next scene has Alice in the bedroom playing with some of the puppets. Marcia and Jan come in.)

Alice: Do I know you from somewhere? (She says something in French, pretending it’s coming from the puppet) I’ll bet you say that to all the girls. (mimicking the puppet) You bad, impetuous girl, kiss me.

(She kisses the puppet and Marcia and Jan laugh. An embarrassed Alice turns around.)

Alice: Uh, uh, (she laughs) Hi, kids. Uh, uh, uh, uh (to the dummy) Don’t just stand there like a dummy, get me out of this.

(Peter comes home through the front door. He takes another look at the test, hides it in his jacket, then runs up the stairs. Carol comes out of the den.)

Carol: Hi, Peter. (Peter is still running) Hey, what’s your hurry? Come here a minute.

Peter: I got a lot of things to do.

Carol: How did you do on your finals?

Peter: Most of them went okay.

Carol: How was your science final? Was Mr. Price as tough as they say?

Peter: Mr. Price said he hasn’t finished grading all the test papers yet.

Carol: But how do you think you did?

Peter: I’m sure I didn’t get an A.

Carol: Well, I’ll settle for an A-.

9She walks away.)

Peter (to himself): Boy, so would I.

(Peter is up in his room and Bobby and Cindy come in.)

Bobby: Hi, Pete.

(He turns on the television.)

Peter: What do you think you’re doing?

Bobby: We want to watch TV.

Peter: Well, why don’t you watch TV in the family room.

Cindy: We can’t.

Bobby: You got us kicked out of the family room, dumbhead.

Peter: Well, I’m kicking you back in.

Bobby: The way you’re kicking us around you must kick we’re footballs.

Peter: I got to do a lot of heavy thinking up here.

Cindy: If you don’t think too loud, you won’t bother us.

Peter: Look, if you both watch TV downstairs, I’ll give you a candy bar, okay.

Bobby: Me too?

Peter: You too.

(He goes over to his drawer and takes out the box that Harvey gave him.)

Cindy: Wow, you’ve got a whole box.

Bobby: Where did you get all that candy?

Peter: From a guy at school, I wrote some nice things about him in my column.

Bobby: You mean people give you things for that?

Peter; Sure, they like to read nice things about themselves. They give you candy bars, pizza, soda, and passes to the movies. (Bobby and Cindy look at each other happily) And maybe, maybe even a good grade. Yeah.

Cindy: Yeah, what.

Peter: Never mind. (He hands them each a candy bar) You’ll miss your movie, hurry up. (They leave) I got a special column to write.

(Peter sits down and starts to type. Then he remembers the old brown hat and puts it on. Greg comes in the room and inquires about his work.)

Greg: Say, any hot flashes to shake the world with, Scoop?

Peter (with a pencil in his mouth): I’m almost finished.

Greg; What?

Peter (removing the pencil): I said I’m almost finished. (Greg puts his jacket in the closet) Greg, what’s a way of saying somebody’s the best at his job?

Greg: Outstanding.

Peter: I already used that one.

Greg: Super, terrific.

Peter: I used them too.

Greg: Head and shoulders above the crowd.

Peter: Hey, that’s great.

(He continues to type and Greg reads a copy of his item.)

Greg: There have been many great men in our country. Washington, Lincoln, but there is a man in our school who is just as great, Mr. Price. (He goes into disbelieving) Mr. Price, the science teacher?

Peter: Yeah, here’s the carbon copy if you want to read it.

Greg (laughing): Are you kidding? When I had him we called him Mr. Sour-puss.

Peter: That’s just the way you see him. I got to get this column to my editor right away.

(He leaves the room with his copy.)

Greg (reading): Washington, Lincoln and (he starts laughing) Mr. price?

(Cut over to the girls’ room, where Marcia and Jan are practicing using the puppets.)

Marcia (mimicking a teacher): Good morning, Mr. Price. (mimicking Mr. Price) What’s so good about it, may I ask?

Jan: No Marcia, I can still see your lips move.

Marcia: it’s not easy to talk with your mouth closed.

Greg (coming in): Marcia, Jan, you got to read this. You won’t believe it.

(They read the article.)

Marcia (laughing out loud): Mr. Price!

Jan: Peter’s flipped!

(Marcia mimics Mr. Price and uses the puppet.)

Marcia: I’m Mr. Price and even I don’t believe it.

(They make a few more comments and Mike come sin the room.)

Greg: Hi, Dad.

Mike: I thought you were gonna take care of that back lawn this afternoon.

Greg: Oh, yeah, I will Dad, right away.

(Mike notices their laughter.)

Mike: What’s so funny?

Jan: This is.

(She shows him the paper.)

Marcia: Scoop Brady’s latest column.

Mike: You mean we got an Art Buchwald in the family?

Greg: Sure.

(He shows him what Peter has written.)

Mike: I don’t think I’ve gotten to the funny part yet.

Jan: It’s all funny if you know Mr. Price.

Marcia: He’s the dullest.

Jan: I’m not gonna have him till next year and everyone in the whole school knows how dull Mr. price is.

Greg: He’s the kind of guy, Dad, who tells the class jokes in Latin, and all semester only one kid laughed and he was Italian.

(They all laugh including Mike.)

Mike: Come on, I think you’re being a little hard on Mr. Price.

Greg: It’s not that he’s a bad teacher, he just has a little trouble getting through to the kids.

Mike: Well, according to this, he seems to have gotten through to Peter. Listen, don’t forget the lawn, okay.

Greg: I won’t.

(Mike leaves and the kids continue laughing.)

Jan: Do you think Peter actually thinks he’s great?

Greg: Are you kidding? He’s got to have some reason for writing that column.

(Next, Carol finds the test in Peter’s jacket and takes it out.)

Carol (astonished): A D?

Alice: What’s that, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: look what I found in Peter’s jacket, it’s his science test. I thought it hadn’t even been graded yet.

Alice: Oh my, and D sure doesn’t stand for dandy.

(Next, Carol shows the test to Mike.)

Carol: No wonder he was being so evasive about it.

Mike: Well, I’m not excusing Peter, honey, but it, uh, it isn’t easy telling your parents about bad grades.

Carol: And he’s a good student. I’ll bet he didn’t study at all.

Mike: You know, it’s really ironic.

Carol: How do you mean?

Mike: Only because Peter wrote a whole column about Mr. Price. Made him sound like a cross between Albert Einstein and Albert Schweitzer.

Carol: I’ll bet that’s before he got the D.

Mike: No, matter of fact (Pause) He wrote it after.

(Next, Mike gives Peter a talking to.)

Peter: How did you find my test?

Mike: You left it in the pocket of your jacket.

Peter: Oh. (Pause) Well, it was a tough test. Ask any of the kids.

Mike: I’m sure it was. Look, Peter, your mother and I wouldn’t mind the D so much if you thought you’ve done your very best. But you didn’t, did you?

Peter: No.

Mike: No, you didn’t. You were spending too much time being Scoop Brady reporter and not enough time being Peter Brady student. Right?

Peter: I’m sorry.

Mike: Mmm, listen, about this article you wrote this afternoon. The one you wrote about Mr. Price.

Peter: You know about that too?

Mike: Yes I do. Was thta like your article said, the whole truth? Or was that just a snow job? In hopes of getting Mr. Price to give you a better grade on your report card?

Peter: Snow job, I guess.

Mike: Son, there is a thing called the power of the press, and with the use of that power comes responsibility.

Peter: Guess I wasn’t very responsible, was I?

Mike: No, you weren’t. Writing nice things about your friends or about Mr. price, just to get personal rewards isn’t exactly honest reporting.

Peter: What can I do now? I already turned in the column.

Mike: I’m sure you will think of something.

(Mike leaves the room and we cut to Mr. price’s classroom at Peter’s school. Peter comes in to speak to him.)

Price (surprised): yes, peter.

Peter: Good morning, Mr. Price. I guess I’m a little early.

Price (looking at his watch): You are indeed. Class doesn’t occur for another three hours.

Peter: Sir, I have to talk to you about something.

Price: Proceed.

Peter: I wrote a column about you, it’s coming out in the paper. And some of the things I said, I didn’t really mean.

Price: Oh.

Peter: Like I said you were the greatest teacher in the world. I didn’t really mean the greatest, I meant, fantastic. Not really fantastic, more like terrific. 9He shakes his head no) Terrific, I meant…

Price: I know what you meant, Peter. (He pulls a paper out of his folder) I believe this is the article which you are referring to.

Peter: Yeah, where did you get it?

Price: Newspaper procedure. Better to have the better part of the actual data before it’s printed.

Peter: Oh.

Price (getting up from his chair): Peter, I have been a teacher too long not to recognized a soft soak job.

Peter: Snow job, sir.

Price: Snow job, soft soak job, whatever. Now flattery was a tempt of the membranous renege of a lepidoptera.

Peter: What?

Price: A wing of a butterfly. Lepidoptera is a scientific name for butterfly. You should’ve known that, Peter.

Peter: Oh, I thought I was being subtle.

Price: Oh, I could read between the lines. I take it from this letter that my students find me somewhat remote and lacking in wits.

Peter: Boy, you really can read between the lines.

Price: Also, I take it I may have some problems with communication.

Peter: Well, just with all those Greek and Latin words you use, the kids almost have to be professors to understand.

Price: Well, perhaps we both learned something from this experience.

Peter: yes, sir.

(Price gives Peter the paper and he tears it up and Peter starts to leave.)

Peter: Oh, Mr. Price, could you give me a hint on what my final grade of the semester will be?

Price: You get exactly what you deserve, peter.

Peter: That’s what I was afraid of.

(Peter comes home and tells Mike, who is in the den, about his day with Mr. Price.)

Peter: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hello, Peter.

Peter: I just wanted to tell you, that I talked to Mr. Price and I told him what I did.

Mike: Well, I’m glad son. That took courage to do that.

Peter: And from now on, I’m not gonna take any candy bars, or movie passes, or anything else. No matter what I write in my column.

Mike: At a boy. I bet you feel better about that, don’t you.

Peter: I sure do. Especially about Mr. Price, he was really nice.

Mike: Well, I feel better about that, too.

Peter: You do?

Mike: Uh-huh.

Peter: That’s great, could you hold that feeling until my science grade comes out?

(Peter leaves and Mike gives a bewildered look, then laughs. The scene fades away.)

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(The final scene has Mike and Carol in their room, with Mike signing all the kids’ report cards.)

Carol: You’re almost through, honey?

Mike: Yeah, sweetheart, I’m down tot he last signature. Well, I bet I’m the only parent in the neighborhood who gets writers cramp signing report cards.

Carol: Well, the kids did all right. Even counting Peter’s problem with Mr. Price.

Mike: Oh yeah, well, he got a C. (They both get into bed) Altogether I think they got 12 A’s, 29 B’s and only 7 C’s.

Carol: Well, that’s a good average.

Mike: You betcha. Good night, honey.

(He reaches over to kiss her.)

Carol: I give it a C.

(Mike lays down but then gets up again.)

Mike: Give what a C?

Carol: That kiss, I give it a C.

Mike: How about a chance to improve my grade?

Carol: That seems fair.

(He gives her an even bigger kiss.)

Carol: Umm, yes, that’s definitely A B.

Mike (shocked): Only a B?

Carol: I’m sorry, I call them as I feels them.

Mike: How about another chance for a willing pupil?

Carol: Fire when ready, Gridley.

(He shuts off the light and gives her an even bigger, more passionate kiss.)

Carol: Now that’s an A.

(They have another kiss.)

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                              THE END

 

S3 E18 The Big Bet

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The Big Bet

Written by Elroy Schwartz

Bobby wins a bet with Greg and gets to boss him around for a week. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

RACHEL, Greg’s girlfriend

(The episode begins with Bobby riding home on his bike. Then he runs in the house excited.)

Bobby: Mom, Alice! Mom, Alice! Mom, Dad, Alice!  (He starts to run up the stairs) Mom, Dad! Is anybody home?

Greg (calling): Bobby, I’m on the phone!

(Greg is in the family room, talking on the phone.)

Greg: Yeah, Rachel, I met you in the school cafeteria the other day. No, I wasn’t spaghetti and meatballs, I was barbecued ribs. Right, I was sitting right across from you.

(Bobby runs in the family room.)

Bobby (excited): Greg, guess what happened! I chinned myself five times!

Greg: I got brown hair, blue eyes…

Bobby: Greg, didn’t you hear me? I chinned myself five times.

Greg (to Bobby): Can’t you see I’m on the phone? (He gets back on the phone) I didn’t get a chance and talk to you because I had to go to basketball practice.

Bobby: Yeah but I, I was the only kid in my class who could do that many chin-ups.

Greg: Hold on a second. (to Bobby) That’s pretty good for a kid your size, but not now, I’m on the phone. (He gets back on the phone) Sorry, Rachel. Listen, I have to get over to the library now, I’ll call you again tonight, okay, bye.

(He hangs up.)

Bobby: I’m gonna keep practicing. By the end of the week, I’ll be able to chin myself 7 or maybe 8 times, that’d be pretty good.

Greg: Yeah, that’d be pretty good.

Bobby: Pretty good? It’s sensational!

Greg: let’s not get carried away, I can do twice as many chin-ups but I don’t go yelling my brains out about it.

Bobby: I bet you a million dollars you can’t do twice as many chin-ups as I can.

Greg (laughing): I wish you had a million dollars.

Bobby: Then I’ll bet you a thousand.

Greg: Stop being ridiculous.

Bobby: You’re just chicken, you won’t bet me because you know you’ll lose.

Greg: Bobby, keep it cool.

Bobby: Then bet me. By the end of the week, you can’t do twice as many chin-ups as I can.

Greg: Okay, wise guy, you got yourself a bet.

Bobby (pondering): What do you wanna bet?

Greg: I know, you have to do everything I tell you to do for a whole week.

Bobby: Okay, and if I win, you have to do whatever I tell you.

Greg (confident): Right.

Bobby: It’s a bet, shake on it.

(They shake hands as the scene fades.)

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(The next scene has Bobby working out with dumbbells and Peter comes by.)

Peter: Come on, I’ll play you a game of 21.

Bobby: I can’t, I got to train for my big bet with Greg.

Peter: What kind of bet?

Bobby: The loser has to do whatever the winner tells him for a whole week.

Peter: A whole week? Wow, what did you bet on?

Bobby: By the end of the week, I bet he can’t do twice as many chin-ups as I can.

(Bobby puts down the dumbbells and goes over to the weight.)

Peter: How many can you do?

Bobby: How do I know? It isn’t the end of the week yet.

Peter (noticing the weight): Hey, that looks pretty heavy.

Bobby: Don’t worry, I can lift it.

(Bobby tries to lift the weight but finds it much heavier than he thought. Peter looks at him with pity. Mike comes home.)

Mike: Hello!

(He notices the mail on the living room end table. He picks it up and goes through it.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart. (They kiss) Anything good in here?

Carol: No, just a few bills.

Mike (handing them to her): Here, you can have those.

Carol: Oh, thank you.

(Mike notices an envelope.)

Mike: Hey, here’s something from my old high school. It’s the old alma mater.

Carol: They want their diploma back.

Mike: Very funny. Let’s see. (He opens it an dreads it) A-ha, I am formally invited to the 20th reunion of my graduating class Saturday night.

Carol: Oh, that’s great. We’re free Saturday.

Mike: High school, wow, that’s going way back. I wonder if Smasher Duran will be there.

Carol: Smasher?

Mike: Yeah, we had a bunch of great nicknames. Smasher, Tiger, Porky, Flathead.

Carol (laughing): Did you have a nickname?

Mike: Hmm, let’s plan on going.

Carol: You did have one, what was it?

Mike: That is something you will never find out.

Carol: Oh, I will too, I can just ask every one at the reunion.

Mike: Oh, Carol, you wouldn’t do that.

Carol: Well, of course I would.

Mike: Yes, I think you would. Hot Lips.

Carol (laughing): Hot Lips? Why in the world would they call you Hot Lips?

(The next scene has Greg in his room reading. Marcia comes in to speak to him.)

Marcia: Greg, can I borrow your dictionary?

Greg: Sure, help yourself.

(Marcia takes it and then stops.)

Marcia: How come you’re not out doing pushups or something?

Greg: For what?

Marcia: the bet you made with Bobby.

Greg (laughing): Are you kidding? I don’t have to train to do twice as many anything as Bobby.

Marcia: When you win, I hope Cindy learns a lesson from this too.

Greg: Cindy?

Marcia: Yeah. little brothers are not the only ones who can be a pain in the neck. (She mimics Cindy) Marcia, I can make my bed faster than you. Marcia, I can get dressed faster than you. I wish I thought of making the bet with her.

Greg: it wasn’t my idea. Bobby insisted on betting me. I got some interesting stuff planned out for that little character.

Marcia: Nothing too rough I hope.

Greg: Of course not, nothing too rough. On the other hand, nothing too smooth either.

(They laugh and Marcia leaves the room. We cut down to the den, where Mike and Carol are looking through his old yearbook.)

Carol: What is that?

Mike: Oh, I dug out my old high school yearbook.

Carol: Can I see it?

Mike: Yeah, believe those senior class pictures.

Carol: Oh, I’m gonna see if I can find you.

(She looks through the book and then laughs.)

Mike: You found me.

Carol: Yeah, I found you. You were so thin, didn’t your mother ever feed you?

Mike: I couldn’t eat.

Carol: Why?

Mike: Well, my whole senior class year, I had a wild crush on a girl named Bobo.

Carol: Bobo?

Mike: Yeah, you should’ve seen her (Mike describes her with hand gestures) That was just her head.

Carol: Oh. You never told me about Bobo.

Mike: Didn’t I? That was just her nickname. She’s right in there.

(He tries to point her out.)

Carol: Oh, no. Let me see if I can to find her.

Mike: What, of all the girls in my senior class.

Carol: I know what you like.

Mike: I’ll give you three chances and I’ll bet you still can’t find Bobo.

Carol: It’s a bet.

Mike: Are you serious?

Carol: Absolutely, and I won’t even need three chances, just one. What do we bet?

Mike: How about the same bet that Greg and Bobby made. For one week, the loser has to do whatever the winner says.

Carol: You have got yourself abet, Hot Lips.

(They shake. Bobby is outside working with the dumbbells some more. Alice comes out with an exercise shake.)

Alice: Hi, how about a vitamin break. (Bobby puts down the dumbbells) This stuff will put muscles on your muscles.

Bobby: Thanks, Alice. What’s in it this time?

Alice: If I told you, you wouldn’t drink it.

(Bobby takes a sip and gives a nauseous look.)

Bobby: I’m not drinking it anyway.

Alice: Well, okay, but Greg always used to drink this stuff when he was trying out for the football team, said it made him strong as a horse.

(Bobby takes it back and Alice walks away. bobby still doesn’t like the taste of it. Next, Mike comes out and sees him working out with the dumbbells and weights some more.)

Mike: Hey, that’s pretty good.

Bobby: thanks, Dad.

Mike: You don’t want to overdue it and hurt yourself though, you know. Listen, when you’re through with that exercise, try this one, okay. (he shows him another way to use the dumbbells, by moving it from his right arm and back) Like that, see. That’ll help develop your deltoid muscle.

Bobby: Gee, I didn’t even know I had a deltoid muscle. Where is it?

Mike: Right there. (He points to this shoulder) that’s your deltoid, these are your triseps, those are your biseps, and there’s your spectrum.

Bobby: Boy, I’m loaded with muscles.

Mike: Yeah, well, you’re gonna have to be in shape to beat Greg, he’s pretty good, you know.

Bobby: I’m gonna be better.

Mike: Well, maybe, but you’re gonna have to go all out to prove it, hmm.

(He pats Bobby’s head and walks away. Next, he is stretching himself on the swing set. Marcia comes over to discourage him.)

Marcia: I don’t know why you’re knocking yourself out, Bobby. Greg can beat you with one hand tied behind his back.

(We cut to the boys’ room, where Greg is shining some shoes. Bobby enters.)

Bobby: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Bobby: I’ve really been working out, you know.

Greg: Yeah.

Bobby (enthusiastic): Yeah. Wanna feel the muscles in my arm.

Greg: Nope.

Bobby (sternly): It’s only fair to tell you that I’m up to 7 chin-ups now.

Greg (sarcastically): Seven, wow.

Bobby: I was thinking, a guy shouldn’t take advantage of his own brother.

Greg: He shouldn’t, huh?

Bobby: No, and if you wanted, I’d let you out of the bet, if you wanted.

Greg: Are you kidding? No way. By this time next week, you’ll be doing this for me.

Bobby: Well, you had your chance.

(Bobby leaves and Greg gives a smug look. next, the family is in the backyard, with Bobby doing chin-ups.)

Mike: Eight.

(The family cheers Bobby on a she continues.)

Cindy: Keep on, Bobby, you can do it.

(The other kids continue their cheers.)

Greg: I think this is his last one.

(Bobby does another chin-up.)

Mike: Nine.

Carol: Oh, Bobby, be careful. Don’t overdue it.

(Bobby does yet another chin-up.)

Mike: Ten.

Peter: Come on, Bobby, I’m routing for you.

(Greg gives him an annoyed look. Peter winks at him and Bobby continues with the family’s encouragement.)

Jan: At a boy, Bobby.

Mike: Eleven.

(Bobby goes for another chin-up, but this time, he falls.)

Mike: 11. You ought to be proud of yourself, son.

Carol: That’s over twice as many as you did last week.

Marcia: Good try, but he’s still gonna lose.

Bobby: Oh yeah, only if Greg can do 22 pushups.

Alice: I think I should have bottled that energy juice I gave him.

(It is now Greg’s turn to do chin-ups. Carol counts down how many.)

Peter: Come on, Greg, I’m routing for you.

(bobby gives him a dirty look as Greg continues with Carol counting.)

Carol: 18, 19.

(Greg struggles to do more.)

Marcia: Come on, Greg, you can do it.

(Greg falls and Bobby starts cheering.)

Bobby: I won! I won!

(Greg looks at him with disbelief and the scene fades.)

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(The next scene has Greg shining a bunch of shoes.)

Alice: I thought only flies had six feet.

Greg: I wish he was a fly, I’d swat him.

Alice: By the way, a fly sends a message. After he gets through shining his shoes, he’d like to have you wash his sneakers.

Greg (annoyed): Wash his sneakers?

Alice: Yeah, you can either throw them in the washing machine or put them on and take a shower.

Greg: Oh, that little…

Alice: I’d suggest taking a shower. It might help you cool off at the same time.

(We next see Greg throwing away garbage. Marcia and Jan approach him.)

Marcia: Will you be finished soon?

Jan: We have to go to the library before it closes.

Greg: What’s that got to do with me?

Marcia: You’re driving us.

Greg (laughing): I’m not driving you to the library.

Jan: Yes you are, Bobby said so.

Marcia: We’ll wait in the car.

(They walk away laughing and we next see Greg fixing bobby’s bicycle. Peter and Cindy come up to him.)

Peter: After you finish that, Bobby said to sandpaper his skateboard.

Greg (bitterly): Do you know what you can tell Bobby?

Cindy: Sure, that you’ll do it.

(That evening, Greg has a glass of milk and a piece of pie. Alice comes up to him.)

Alice: Hold it, that was the last piece and Bobby decided he wanted it.

(Greg makes a bitter hand suggestion. Mike and Carol are in their bedroom with Carol looking through his yearbook.)

Carol: Hmm, I wonder what Bobo can be a nickname for. Let’s see, Bernice Sheer, Bernice. Bobo?

(Mike is laying down with his eyes closed. He smiles.)

Mike (whispering): Sally. (Carol looks over him curiously) Hmm, Sally.

Carol: Sally. Oh no, but how could Bobo stand for Sally?

Mike (whipering): Betty.

Carol: Betty? (She looks up) Betty, Betty Bobo.

Mike: Zelda.

(Carol picks up her pillow and hits him with it.)

Carol: Oh, Michael Brady, that’s terrible! (She hits him three times) And that’s form Sally, that’s for Betty and that’s for Zelda.

(Next, Greg is on the phone with Rachel.)

Greg: Yeah Rachel, it’s great seeing you at school. But I still wanna take you out. Well, what about a movie tomorrow night? Yeah, the drive-in. It’s a good double bill, uh, a science fiction and a western. Great, great, Rachel. Well, I’ll pick you up about 7. Bye.

(He hangs up and Bobby comes in the room.)

Bobby: Sounds good to me.

Greg (annoyed): What sounds good to you?

Bobby: A double film.

Greg: Exactly what does that mean?

Bobby: I’m going with you.

Greg (getting up): No way.

Bobby: Remember the bet?

Greg (very upset): Look, I’ve taken out the trash for you, and I hosed off the patio for you. I shined your shoes, made your bed, cleaned your bike, I even let you beat me at checkers because you told me to. But that’s it, that’s it. Understand.

Bobby: You have to do whatever I tell you, that’s the bet.

Greg: It didn’t include taking you on dates.

Bobby: It didn’t include not. (Greg refuses to back down) You welcher, I’m gonna go tell Mom and Dad!

(He goes out to the kitchen and Greg angrily follows.)

Bobby: Mom, Greg is trying…

(Greg starts protesting at the same as Bobby, and Carol can’t understand either of them.)

Carol: Hold it, hold it, one at a time.

Greg: I got a date with Rachel!

Bobby: Greg’s closing on our bet, he won’t take me to the movies!

Greg: And he thinks he can go on with me!

Bobby: It was a bet!

(Mike comes in the kitchen.)

Mike: Hey, what’s all the racket?

Greg: Dad, this has nothing to do with the bet…

Bobby: Dad, he won’t…

(They continue to argue at the same time.)

Mike: Hold it! I didn’t hear anything either one of you said.

Carol: That’s the third time I heard it and I still can’t figure it out.

Mike: Bobby.

Bobby: Greg is going to the movies to see two neat pictures, and he won’t take me.

Greg: I got a date with a new girl and I don’t want (pointing at Bobby and saying bitterly) the All-American kid tagging along.

Bobby (angry): Our bet was the loser has to do everything the winner tells him, EVERYTHING!

Greg; I’ve done everything else, but dates are different!

Carol: Greg, if I remember correctly, the bet did include everything.

Greg (seething): Not dates.

Mike: Now look, Greg, this might seem a little rough, but when you make a bet, you have to be prepared to pay off. Okay, maybe next time you’ll remember, no bet is a sure thing.

Greg (bitterly): Yeah, I’ll remember, all right. Okay, okay, I’ll just call off the date.

Bobby: It’s okay with me. I don’t care if she comes along or not.

Greg (angry): Listen, Mr. Chin-up king. I’ve done everything you asked, fair and square. There’s no way, no way are you going on my date with Rachel.

(The next scene has Greg and Rachel in the car, watching the movie. Bobby is in the back seat.)

Bobby: You’re blocking my view.

(Greg and Rachel move away from each other and then Bobby moves up towards the front.)

Bobby: I want some more popcorn.

Greg: You already had three bags.

Bobby: Then I want some pizza.

(Greg gets out of the car.)

Greg: I’ll be back, Rachel.

(Bobby moves into the driver’s seat.)

Bobby: Boy, you can really see better from up here.

Rachel (weakly): Uh-huh.

Bobby: Neat movie, isn’t it.

Rachel: Yeh, real neat.

Bobby: Having fun, huh.

Rachel: Uh, we’re having a ball.

Bobby: You see, I told Greg if I came, you wouldn’t mind.

(Rachel gives him an incredulous look. Greg comes back with Bobby’s pizza.)

Greg (to Bobby): Here’s the pizza you ordered. (Bobby scoots over between Greg and Rachel) And that’s all the food you get, our bet had nothing to do with me going broke.

Rachel: Greg, wouldn’t it be nice if Bobby got in the back seat to eat his pizza?

Greg: Yes, that’d be nice.

Bobby: Okay.

(He gets in back. Greg shuts the door and the horn goes off.)

Greg (to Bobby); Shh!

Bobby: I didn’t do that.

(They settle down to watch the movie as Greg starts putting hios arm around Rachel.)

Bobby: Want some pizza?

Greg: No.

Bobby: How about you, Rachel? It’s real good, pepperoni and onion.

Rachel: Uh, no thank you.

Bobby: You guys don’t know what you’re missing.

Greg: We know what we’re missing.

(Greg puts his arm around Rachel again and Bobby again interrupts them.)

Bobby: You’re blocking my view again.

Greg: Come on, Bobby,  stop fooling around. You’re not even watching the movie.

Bobby (freshly): Neither are you.

Rachel: I’ll tell you what, why don’t we all watch the movie.

(They all settle down once again to watch the movie, then Bobby comes up with another idea.)

Bobby: It’s warm in here. Put the top down.

Greg (extremely annoyed): Put the top down? Now look, Bobby.

Rachel: You might as well do it, Greg.

(Bobby nods as Greg abides to his wishes. The horn goes on as he does so and then they watch the movie again. Suddenly, Bobby takes out an umbrella.)

Greg: What do you think you’re doing?

Bobby: it might rain. You wouldn’t want sweetie pie to get wet, would you?

Greg: Now you’re just being a wise guy. Put that umbrella away!

Bobby: I told you, it might rain.

Greg: Well, if it might rain, I’m putting the top back up.

(Greg puts the top back up but it crushes the umbrella and the top puts a hole in the top of the car.)

Greg: Now you’ve done it, wait till Dad sees this.

(The next scene has Mike and Carol returning home from the reunion. They settle the bet.)

Carol: Well, I didn’t know anybody there but I really had a good time tonight.

Mike: Yeah, some reunion.

Carol: Oh, boy.

Mike: Ahem, hem, well.

Carol: Well what?

Mike: Come on, it’s time to settle our bet. Which one was Bobo?

Carol: Well, she was one of the women there tonight, right?

Mike: Right, right.

Carol (pondering): Well, let’s see, now.

Mike: Come on, come on, no stalling. You got plenty of time.

Carol: Well, okay, I’ll take a wild guess. (Mike laughs) Irene Henselross.

Mike: That’s right, how did you guess that?

Carol: Simple deduction. Number 1, I know what you like. Number 2, I know what you don’t like, and Number 3, she came over and introduced herself and said you used to call her Bobo.

(They hear the car pulling in.)

Carol: Oh, Greg and Bobby must be back.

Mike: I wonder how their big date with Rachel came out.

(Outside, Greg shows his parents the damage caused to the top of the car.)

Greg: I figure it will cost about 150 bucks for anew top, dad.

Mike: Well, that’s great, that’s just great.

Carol: Bobby, How could you do that?

Bobby: I’m sorry. I guess I’m what you call a little stinker.

Greg: A little stinker?

Bobby (angry): A big stinker! I’ll pay for the new top, Dad.

Mike: Well, as Greg said, you know, a new top is gonna cost about $150 dollars.

Bobby: Well, Greg said he’d pay me a dollar a week to do his chores.

Carol: Oh, great, you’ll be doing his chores for three years.

Bobby: That’s okay, I deserve it.

Mike: Well, we’ll discuss the financial arrangements later. I,I hope you learned something from all this.

Bobby: I sure have. For one thing, I’ll never bet on anything again. Even if you win, you lose.

Carol: is that all?

Bobby: If I can boss anyone around again, I’ll never be mean.

Mike: Well, that’s good, anything else?

Bobby: Oh yeah, I almost forgot the most important thing.

Mike: What’s that?

Bobby: Well, when you go to a drive-in movie in a convertible, never bring an umbrella.

(He walks away as Mike, carol and Greg try to suppress their laughter. The scene fades away.)

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(The final scene has Mike and Carol in their bedroom. Carol is laying down and Mike is about to get into bed but Carol wants him to do some things for her.)

Carol (sitting up): Honey, I think I’d like to read, would you please get me my book? It’s over there on the dresser.

Mike: I just got into bed.

Carol (pinching his cheek): Bobo.

(He gets up and gets the book. He hand sit to her as he returns.)

Carol: Thank you.

Mike: Anything else while I’m up?

Carol: No, not that I can think of.

(He gets under the covers and they smile at each other. Then she finds she needs to sneeze.)

Carol: Oh, honey, I think I need a tissue. Would you get one for me? They’re right over there.

Mike: Bobo?

Carol: Yeah, Bobo.

(He gets up to get the tissues. He goes back and gives her one.)

Carol: Thank you.

Mike: Anything else?

Carol: No. no. That’s all. (He gets back in bed.) There is one other thing.

Mike: Now what?

Carol: you didn’t kiss me good night.

Mike: Do I have to?

(She pinches the sides of his mouth as they kiss good night.)

                                 THE END

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