Written by Harry Winkler
The Bradys believe that Alice and Sam are eloping. I hope you like the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
SAM the butcher
GLADYS, woman the Bradys hire for temporary housekeeper
(The episode begins with Marcia and Jan coming home from school. Bobby is paying an organ, albeit very badly. Jan complains to Marcia it sounds trrible. They see him and laugh.)
Bobby: Hi, how am I doing?
Marcia: Well, I don’t know who finally kicked you out of the house with that thing but I’m glad.
Bobby: What do you know about music anyway?
Marcia: Oh, is that what it is?
Bobby: My teacher likes it.
Jan: Then how come she loaned you the organ and told you to practice at home?
(Bobby laughs and plays a key very distractingly as they leave. When the girls enter the house, Alice is on the phone with Sam.)
Alice: Sure I can keep a secret Sam. What’s the secret?
Sam (on the other line in the butcher shop): Well, you met my cousin Clara, huh.
Alice: Yeah, so, go on.
Sam: She wants us to be best man and maid of honor. She’s eloping.
Alice (happily): Eloping!
Sam (annoyed): Alice! I told you this was a big secret. Will you shush.
Alice: I’m shushing. So exciting, Sam, when is it gonna be?
Sam: They elope next Sunday. That way it won’t interfere with our Saturday night bowling date.
Alice: Oh, that’s great. I’d even give up that for an elopement. What a surprise, Sam.
Sam: You see, Alice, as long as you’re gonna be maid of honor, you’ll probably wanna wear sometihng special, right?
Alice: For an occasion like this, I’ll buy the fanciest dress in town.
Sam: Swell. Well, see you Saturday night at 8 for bowling.
Alice: Oh, I’ll be ready, and waiting. (She hangs up. Then she turns around and sees the girls) Oh, hi girls. How was school?
Marcia: Dull compared to what seems to be going on around here.
Alice: Around here. Oh, you mean with Sam.
Marcia: Yeah, with Sam.
Alice: We were just talking about our big bowling date. Sam and I are in the semi-finals of the Mixed Doubles Tournament.
Jan (laughing): Sure you are.
(The girls laugh.)
Alice: We’re talking about bowling.
Marcia: Nothing. We understand, Alice.
(They continue to laugh and Alice walks away.)
Jan (to Marcia): What do you think?
Marcia: What do I think? I know. Alice and Sam are eloping.
Marcia: Wow, wow, wow.
(The scene fades.)
(The next scene has Mike and Carol in the family room. The girls are telling them what they heard.)
Carol: What makes you think Alice and Sam are eloping?
Marcia: Well, we sort of overheard the phone conversation between them.
Mike: You mean you were eavesdropping?
Jan: No, not at all. Honest.
Carol: Anyway, you two could be jumping to conclusions.
Marcia: But Alice even used the word elope. And she was all excited about it.
Mike: If Alice were going to elope, I’m sure she’d be considerate enough to tell us she was gonna be gone. Unless, of course, Sam were to ask her to keep it a secret for some reason.
Carol: Right. And it’s strictly their own business and none of ours.
Marcia: Maybe Alice just has to be coaxed a little to tell us.
Mike: Girls, if Alice wants to tell us, she’ll tell us.
Carol: Right, Like I said, it’s their own business and none of ours. Snooping is a definite no-no.
(The next scene has Carol and Alice in the kitchen. Carol is showing Alice wedding pictures.)
Carol: Here, here’s Mike and me on our honeymoon, Alice.
Alice: Now, that’s a romantic picture.
Carol: Oh, it was. Did you know our original plan was to elope? Secretly?
Alice: That’s what makes an elopement an elopement.
Carol: Of course we had to change our minds. Well, we figured somebody would find out. Did you know very few people can keep a secret?
Alice: Yeah. Zippers weren’t invented for lips.
Carol: I must say, though, I’ve always been able to keep a secret.
Alice: Good. Like you say, not many people can.
Carol: Well, I mean, if somebody close to me were planning an elopement, she could trust me in plenty, if you know what I mean.
(Alice gets up and then stops.)
Alice: Mrs. Brady, are you concerned that some member of this household is planning an elopement?
Carol: Well, it’s a possibility.
Alice: I suppose so, but as far as I know, Marcia’s not even going steady.
(Mike is at his office when he receives a phone call from Sam.)
Sam: Hello, Mike Brady. Hey, Sam, what can I do for you?
Sam: Well, Mr. Brady, you being an architect and all, I was wondering if I might ask you a question, housewise.
Mike: Sure, Sam, fire away.
Sam: Well, I have this friend who’s planning on getting married.
Mike: Oh, anybody we know?
Sam: No, just a friend of mine. Well, anyway, he doesn’t have a lot of loot so he’s looking around for some nice low-cost housing.
Mike: I see. Well, Sam, now, this friend of yours, when is he planning on getting married?
Sam: Well, the elopement, I mean the wedding, will be pretty quick now.
Mike: Oh, yeah, well, I think I understand. Sam, let me check around with a few brokers and I’ll get back to you, okay.
Sam: Gee, thanks a lot, Mr. Brady. I really appreciate that.
Mike: Ah, not at all. Oh, Sam, would you tell the bride and the groom that my wife, and myself, and all of our children wish them health, and happiness and good fortune.
Sam: Thanks a lot, Mr. Brady. I’ll tell them what you said. Bye.
Mike: Good-bye, Sam.
(He hangs up and smiles to himself.)
Sam (to himself): That was very nice of them to be so happy for my cousin Clara.
(Back at home, Bobby is practicing the organ but not doing much better than before. Peter and Cindy are watching.)
Bobby: How am I doing now?
Cindy: Still sounds awful, but you’re playing a lot faster.
Peter: So it’s awful for less time.
Bobby: Horrity hor hor.
Cindy: If you knew what I knew, you’d be practicing the wedding march.
Peter: What do you know that we don’t know?
Cindy: You promise not to tell anybody else?
Bobby: Doesn’t anybody else know?
Cindy: Sure, everybody knows. But Alice doesn’t know that we know.
Peter: that we know what?
Cindy: That she and Sam are eloping.
(Next, we’re down at Sam’s butcher shop. Reverend Melbourne comes in.)
Sam (to a customer): Thank you very much. (He sees the reverend) And, what can I do for you today, Reverend?
Reverend: Half a pound of ground round. And tell your cousin Clara to be at the house at 8:00, promptly. I have another wedding at 9.
Sam: Half a pound of ground, 8 o’clock sharp for Clara.
Reverend: You want to single to or a double ring ceremony?
Sam: Double. Oh, and I got some nice filet of fresh soul, Reverend. Interested?
Reverend: I’m always interested in the sole, Sam.
Sam: Well, I’ll weigh you up a couple of nice slices.
(Greg and Marcia come in.)
Greg: Hi, Sam. Hi, Rev.
Sam: Hi, kids.
Reverend: Hi, Greg. How are you?
Sam: What brings you by?
Marcia: Alice asked us to stop by after school so we could pick up our order.
Sam: Oh, fine, I’ll be right with you.
Reverend (to Greg): How’s the family.
Greg: Fine, thanks.
Greg: Any good weddings lately, Reverend?
Reverend: Seems like I’m tying more knots than a troop of Boy Scouts, Greg.
Marcia: Do you have any more coming up soon?
Reverend: I never know, Marcia. Seems like it’s open season on grooms.
Sam (getting the meat): Yep, one never knows. Huh, Reverend? Let’s see, that’ll be $3.50.
Reverend: That much?
Sam: Well, like they say, it’s better to give than to receive.
Reverend (giving Sam money): Like they also say, do not covet thy neighbor’s wallet.
(He takes the meat.)
Sam: Bye, bye, reverend. (to the kids) I’ll get Alice’s order or you.
Greg: Thanks, Sam.
Marcia: That really cinches it, Greg.
Greg: The reverend is proof positive.
(Back home, the girls are discussing the matter with Mike and Carol.)
Carol: Cindy, that doesn’t necessarily mean anything just because you saw Alice coming out of Sandrell’s Dress Shop.
Cindy: Yes, but Marcia and Jan heard her say dresses are for a special occasion.
Jan: That’s exactly what she told Sam over the phone.
Marcia: And what about Reverend Melbourne at Sam’s butcher shop.
Carol: What do you think, Mike?
Mike: Well, there’s also that phone call I got from Sam today.
Marcia: What did he want?
Mike: He wanted my help in finding a house for a friend who was getting married soon.
Jan: People always say a friend when they’re talking about themselves and they don’t want anybody to know.
Cindy: That’s what I always say.
Mike: Sam almost let the word elopement slip out once.
Carol: You know something, if this were a trial, I’d think we’ve got enough evidence for a conviction.
Jan: Right. Alice is guilty of marriage.
Marcia: Alice and Sam.
Cindy: Hey, maybe we can buy our meat wholesale now.
Carol: There’s still one thing about this elopement we don’t know. When is it going to take place?
(Alice comes in the room.)
Alice: Excuse me, folks, but Mr. and Mrs. Brady, I was wondering…. (They all turn around and look at her delightedly) Is anything wrong?
Alice: Oh, not at all, Alice.
Mike: What makes you say that?
Alice: Well, the way you were staring at me, I thought maybe I left my face in the other room.
Marcia: Alice, you look positively great.
Jan: Your eyes are twinkling and your cheeks are glowing.
Cindy: You’ll make a beautiful bride (Marcia nudges her) someday.
Alice: Yeah, sure, someday, what I wanted to ask you folks was okay if I take saturday night off?
Mike: This Saturday?
Carol: Any special reason, Alice?
Alice: Yeah, Sam and I are in a big bowling tournament.
Carol (laughing): Bowling, huh?
Mike (laughing): That’s what the lady said, bowling.
Marcia: She said bowling.
Cindy (getting it): Oh, bowling.
(The girls leave.)
Alice (clueless): What’s so funny about the word bowling lately?
Mike: Alice, of course you can have Saturday night off. In fact, you can have the whole day off.
Carol: Alice, we couldn’t be happier about your bowling date.
(We take you to the garage. Bobby is still practicing his organ.)
Alice: What’s that tune Bobby’s trying to play? It sounds vaguely familiar.
Carol: Alice, if you’re thinking of the wedding march, it doesn’t sound like it to me.
Mike: I think I better get him before the neighbors do.
(He goes outside.)
Carol: Honest, Alice, it doesn’t sound a thing like the wedding march.
(Later that night, Mike and Carol are getting ready for bed.)
Mike: You know, I also think Alice should take a week or so off for the honeymoon.
Carol: We’ll insist.
Carol: First thing in the morning, I’ll call the employment agency and try to get a temporary replacement.
Carol (worried): Mike, you don’t think Alice will leave us after she’s married, do you?
Mike: Oh, no. I think she would’ve told us by now.
Carol: Well, what puzzles me is why Alice doesn’t tell us about the elopement.
Mike: Well, maybe she and Sam think we’d make a big deal out of it if we knew.
Carol: Of course we’d make a big deal out of it. Alice means a great deal to us.
Mike: Yes, but honey, maybe they don’t want a big reception.
Carol: But it doesn’t have to be a big reception. Just a small family reception. You know, Mike, I was just thinking.
Mike: Uh huh. I kinda figured you were.
Carol: Why, aren’t Sam and Alice gonna be surprised when they walk in on their own wedding reception.
(She turns out the light and the scene fades.)
(The next scene has Alice leaving for the store.)
Alice: Is there anything special you want me to add to the shopping list?
Carol: Well, you might just get a couple extra packages of rice, Alice.
(She starts to leave and the bell rings.)
Carol: Oh, you go right ahead. I’ll get it.
(Alice leaves and Carol answers the door. It’s the new temporary housekeeper.)
Gladys: Mrs. Brady.
Gladys: I’m Gladys Harris. The employment agency referred me for the housekeeping job.
Carol: Oh, yes. Well, the agency said they’d phone before they sent anyone over.
Gladys: I’m afraid that’s my fault. I just happened to be in the area so I thought I’d drop by. I hope it’s not inconvenient.
Carol: Oh, no, not at all. As a matter of fact, you have split second timing, Mrs. Harris. Come in.
Gladys: Ah, you have a lovely home.
Carol: Thank you. I hope you know the job is just temporary. Our housekeeper is just gonna be gone a week or so.
Gladys: I understand. Are their any special requirements?
Carol: Uh, no, just the usual. Housekeeping, cleaning, laundry. But I guess I should mention the fact that we have six children.
Gladys (surprised): Six, six. Well, that’s a lot of diapers under the bridge.
Carol: Happily that’s all behind.
(Gladys laughs hard.)
Gladys: I like you.
(She gives Carol a hard pat.)
Carol (nervously): Why don’t I show you the rest of the house. I think you’ll find the kitchen quite practical, Mrs. Harris.
(Alice comes back.)
Carol (surprised): Alice!
Alice: Hi, Mrs. Brady. I forgot the shopping list.
Carol: Uh, uh, uh, Mrs. Harris. Mrs. Harris, this is Alice Nelson. Alice Nelson, this is Mrs. Harris, uh, uh, Mrs. Harris is an old friend of the family.
Gladys: A what?
Carol: How are Jim and the kids? (Mrs. Harris sheepishly tries to answer) I’ll bet the boys have children of their own by now, don’t they. How is Mary Jane? Oh, well, I remember the good old times the three of us used to have.
Gladys: Good times, oh, yes, wonderful. I,I,I better be going. Old friend.
Carol: Uh, uh, uh, Mrs. Harris, Mrs. Harris, I, I, can’t wait to get together again and relive those good old days.
Gladys: Good old days. Fantastic.
Carol: Be sure to give my love to everybody.
Mrs. Harris: good-bye.
(She gives the strangest look and then leaves. Alice next goes down to the butcher shop to see Sam. They seem to have a difference of opinion in gifts for the newlyweds.)
Sam: Listen, Alice, bowling balls make great gifts.
Alice: Not for a newly married couple. Sam. Nobody wants to strike out on their honeymoon.
Sam: Come on, Alice. What have you got against bowling balls?
Alice: They’re just not sentimental.
Sam: Oh, well, not one of my bowling through for your ordinary one of the new bowling balls. But this is a matched set. His and hers.
Alice: Sam, that is about as romantic a gift as a year’s supply of chalk for their fingers.
Sam: As it turns out, chalk was second on my list.
Alice: That figures.
Sam: Now, listen, Alice, you can always holler about my being late, gripe about the high prices of my meat, hate my neckties. But when it comes to bowling, you got to have a little respect.
Alice: But I got respect for bowling. But Sam, two bowling bowls. If Clara drops our present, she’ll go on her honeymoon with ten broken toes.
Sam: Also, anybody who thinks that bowling balls make a rotten wedding gift doesn’t have a whole lot of taste.
Alice: Oh, is that so?
Alice: Well, as far as I’m concerned, Clara can elope witohut me Sunday.
Sam: And as far as I’m concerned, you don’t have to go bowling with me Saturday night.
Alice: Well, as far as I’m concerned, I won’t. (She starts to leave and then stops) And as for a couple of other things, let me tell you this, Sam the butcher. You’re always late, your prices are too high, and that is the ugliest necktie I ever saw.
(She leaves the shop. Back home, Mike and Carol are in the den going over some plans.)
Mike: Now this might be the ideal home for Alice and Sam. It’s moderately priced. It’s well-built.
Alice (coming in the den): Excuse me.
Carol: What is it, Alice?
Alice: Well, you remember I asked you for Saturday night off.
Mike: Well, as a matter of fact, we got to talking about that, and we decided what you really need is a week off. Maybe two.
Alice: Two weeks for a bowling match.
Carol: Well, bowling can be a very strenuous sport, Alice.
Alice: i don’t understand.
Mike: Well, the important thing is, we understand,
Alice: Well, then, maybe you’ll understand what I’m about to say. I don’t even need Saturday off.
Carol: Why not?
Alice: Well, Sam and I had a fight and the bowling date’s off.
Mike: You broke your bowling date?
Carol (concerned): Alice, that is the worst thing I ever heard in my life.
Alice: I appreciate your concern, but it’s only a bowling date.
Mike: But it’s a very important bowling date.
Alice: So it pins ball. Anyway, Sam’s not the best fish in the ocean. Of course, I’m not the best bait, either.
(She leaves the den.)
Carol: Oh, Mike.
(Next, the boys are down at the butcher shop. they try to convince Sam to go back with Alice.)
Peter: Alice is really sorry about everything.
Sam: Did she say so?
Greg: You can read it on her face.
Bobby: Sam, you gotta take Alice bowling.
Sam: It’s that important.
Bobby: It sure is. I can almost play the whole song on my organ.
Sam: What song?
Greg: It’s called shut my mouth blues. What do you say, Sam.
(Sam thinks about it for a minute.)
Sam: No, I’m sorry. Alice has to make the first move.
(The girls are talking to Alice. She has the same attitude.)
Alice: Sorry, Sam has got to make the first move.
Marcia: But what if he doesn’t?
Alice: Then I just won’t go bowling with him.
Marcia: Alice, we’re not just talking about bowling. We’re talking about BOWLING.
Alice: Oh, I thought you were talking about bowling. No, the ball is now in Sam’s alley.
Jan: But, Alice, he was meant for you. And you understand him.
Alice: I understand this turkey, too (the one she is cooking) but it doesn’t mean I have to go bowling with it.
(Mike and Carol are in the den.)
Mike: Honey, I am sorry that Alice and Sam had that argument, but I really don’t think we should meddle.
Carol: Not even one little teeny meddle?
Mike: Well, what kind of meddle did you have in mind?
Carol: The kind where you invite Sam over, Alice opens the door, and skyrockets fall.
Mike: Yeah, that only happens on the fourth of July. Besides, I don’t have any reason to invite Sam over.
Carol: Ah, yes. You said you’d call Sam back and let him know what you found out about low cost housing, didn’t you.
Mike: True. But that’s before he and Alice had the argument.
Carol: Yes, but Sam doesn’t know that you know that information was for himself and not for a friend.
Mike: True, but he’ll think I know.
Carol: True, but as long as he thinks you know that he knows and he doesn’t know, that you think that she knows.
(She stops abruptly.)
Mike: You’re about three things I know ahead of me. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t think I know. You know?
Carol: No. (She comes to him with the phone) Mike, couldn’t you just call Sam and invite him over.
Mike: Well, okay. Maybe if we’re this confused, he’ll be too confused to refuse.
(Next, Alice answers the door and it’s Sam. they give each other a cool reception.)
Sam: I came to see Mr. Brady.
Alice: Whom should I say is calling?
Sam: You know darn well whom is calling?
Alice: Oh, now I recognize you, it’s Mighty Mouth.
Sam: Listen to who’s talking. You got a tongue sharp enough to slice salami.
(Mike and Carol notice this from the kitchen.)
Mike (to Carol): What happened to the skyrockets you promised?
Carol: Well, sometimes they fizzle out.
Sam: Now, are you going to invite me in, or does Mr. Brady have to come out here to talk to me? (She lets him in) Thank you. Now, if you’ll just be good enough to announce me.
Alice: Skip the formality, Sam. Just let me have the meat order and you can be on your way tot he sporting goods store to pick up those his and hers bowling balls.
Sam: For your information, bowling balls are out this season. And electric mixers are in.
Alice: Electric mixers?
Sam: Electric mixers.
Alice (smiling): Now, that’s romantic.
Sam: So’s this. (A package he has with him) There’s a little something special in here for you, Alice. 4 extra lamb chops in pink panties.
Alice (pleased): Sam, couldn’t be better if it was 14 karat gold.
Sam: Listen, meat is more expensive than gold today. Well, I just couldn’t figure another way to say I’m sorry.
Alice: I’m sorry, too, Sam.
Sam: Well, then, everything’s on again for Saturday night?
Alice: Everything. Just like we planned it.
Alice: And that’s a lovely necktie.
Sam: Oh, thanks, Alice.
Carol (to Mike): There go your skyrockets.
(The next scene has Alice and Sam leaving for their bowling match.)
Alice (to Carol and Mike): well, folks, this is it.
Carol: Sure is, Alice.
Sam: Biggest night of my life.
Mike: Yeah, the big match-up. Huh, Sam.
Sam: Boy, if I survive tonight, there will be no stopping me.
Alice: I’ll be right there keeping score.
Mike: Yeah, well, happy bowling.
Carol: Alice, now you just relax and we’ll keep the house neat and tidy.
Alice: We’ll only be gone a little while, Mrs. Brady.
Sam: Unless I strike out in the first match, then we’ll be home sooner.
Carol: Alice, you take all the time you need.
Alice: Oh, thanks, but Sam can never stay awake very long after we’ve been bowling. Let’s get at it, Sam.
Mike (shaking Sam’s hand): Bye, Sam. take care of our little girl, will you.
Sam: Sure thing, Mr. Brady.
Alice: Be back in a couple of hours.
(They all say good-bye and they leave.)
Carol (to Mike): Be back in a couple of hours?
Mike: Yeah, we got to get everytihng ready by then.
Carol: Yeah, we got to get a move on.
(Alice and Sam come back from bowling. They are outside the house.)
Alice: Thanks, Sam, that was a lot of fun.
Sam: Yeah, it was. Boy, we sure took the Star Shuttle Laundry Team, didn’t we.
Alice: How about a cup of coffee.
Sam: Well, maybe half a cup. You know, we have to get up early tomorrow for my cousin Clara’s elopement.
(They come inside and there is a reception awaiting them. Marcia and Jan turn the lights on and yell surprise. Bobby plays the wedding march and everyone else yells surprise. The kids bring them to the living room where Mike toasts them.)
Mike: Okay, to the newlyweds.
Sam: I’ll drink to that. Who got married?
Mike (laughing): Bowling date, huh?
Carol: To Alice and Sam.
Sam: Alice and Sam?
Carol: Alice, we couldn’t be happier.
(The kids insist she makes a speech.)
Alice: Well, I’m sorry, I don’t have a speech for this occasion, mostly on account of because there is no occasion.
Carol (confused): What do you mean, Alice? Didn’t you and Alice elope tonight?
Alice: We never even shook hands. What makes you think we got married?
Mike: Circumstantial evidence.
Sam: I got it. (to Alice) I bet they confused us with my cousin Clara.
Greg (surprised): Clara?
Alice: Yeah, Clara is going to elope tomorrow and Sam and I are going to stand up for the bride and groom.
(Carol and Mike are embarassed.)
Carol: Oh, no. Alice. I’m sorry. We thought…
Mike: I think we goofed. Oh, please accept our apologies.
Sam: Oh, sure, we’ll accept your apologies. I’ll also accept a little more champagne.
Mike: Okay, a little more coming up.
Sam: Thank you.
Alice: Sam, as long as we went to al this trouble…
(He puts his champagne down.)
Sam: Alice, say no more. Folks, I have a very important announcement. Tonight, Alice and I advanced to the finals in the bowling tournament.
(The scene fades.)
(The final scene has Alice telling Mike and Carol about the elopement.)
Alice: Cousin Clara never looked prettier. It was the nicest elopement I ever went to.
Carol: Boy, it must have been to move you so.
Alice: Even Sam was affected.We’re engaged.
(Carol and Mike get excited.)
Carol (happy): Alice, congratulations. When’s the big day?
Sam: Well, I got Sam pretty pinned down now. The place, the hour, the date. There’s just one thing he won’t commit to.
Mike: What’s that?
Alice: The century.