S3 E19 The Power of the Press


untitled scoop brady

The Power of the Press

Written by Ben Gerghman and Bill Freedman

Peter becomes a reporter for the school paper and writes a column under the pen name Scoop Brady. He does a good jib but his grades suffer in the process. Hope you enjoy the script.











HARVEY, Peter’s friend

IRIS, another friend

DIANE, another friend

MR. PRICE, science teacher

(The episode begins with Peter running home in an excited mood. He drops his books then goes to pick them up. He then runs in the house shouting for attention.)

Peter: Mom, Alice! Greg, Marcia!

(He runs through the kitchen and is unable to see that Carol and Alice are there.)

Carol: Hey, Peter, Peter, what’s the matter? Is something wrong?

Peter: No, I got great news.

Carol: Ah, that’s a relief.

Alice: Come on, tell us the news.

Peter: You know the school paper.

Carol: Yeah.

Peter: They needed a new reporter. A lot of guys tried out for it, but who do you think they picked?

Carol: Well, I’ll take a wild guess, you.

Peter: Yeah, how did you know?

Alice: Women’s intuition.

Peter: I’m not just any going to be old reporter, I’m gonna have my own column.

Carol: your own column? That’s terrific.

Alice: Congratulations, Peter.

Peter: Thanks, and I know just what I’m gonna call it. The whole truth by Scoop Brady.

Carol: Scoop. Ahh, that’s great.

Peter (excited): I’m gonna write a column that will stand Fillmore Junior High on its ear. Then I’ll write one for high school, then for college. I might become a famous reporter. Maybe I’ll win a Pulitzer prize. But first i better do something.

Carol: What’s that?

Peter: Learn how to type.

(He laughs and then Carol throws a towel at him, then pats him on the head. the scene fades.)

untitled scoop

(The next scene takes us to the girls’ room.)

Marcia: Jan, did you take my pencils?

Jan: Nope.

Marcia: I had three pencils in this drawer, they’re gone.

Jan: Check with Scoop brady.

Marcia: Oh, no. First he takes my carbon paper, then my eraser, now my pencils.

Jan: Mine too.

Greg: Did either one of you take the pencils from my desk.

Marcia: No.

Greg: Well somebody did.

Marcia: Check with Scoop brady.

Greg: For crying out loud, first he takes my carbon paper, then my erasers, and now my pencils.

(The girls laugh.  Mike is in his den looking for something and Carol comes in.)

Carol: You call me honey?

Mike: Sweetheart, have you seen my typewriter? it was in here this morning.

Carol: Oh, I forgot to tell you. power of the press. Scoop Brady borrowed it.

Mike: You’re kidding. First he takes my carbon paper, then my erasers, and my pencils, now my typewriter.

Carol: Well, he said he was short on the tools of his trade.

Mike: Oh, well, I guess it’s all pretty exciting for him. Put my notes on the tape recorder.

Carol: Listen, by the way, honey, don’t go looking for your old brown hat.

Mike: My old brown hat?

(Peter is in the family room typing away. he is wearing Mike’s old hat with press written on it. He throws away a paper and we see the garbage can is filled with other papers he threw away. Bobby and Cindy come in and Bobby turns the television on.)

Cindy: Peter, why are you wearing Dad’s old hat?

Peter: Because that’s how us reporters look in the newspaper game. And the name isn’t Peter, it’s Scoop.

Bobby: Scoop, you mean Stoop.

Peter: Very funny.

(Bobby and Cindy watch the television while Peter types.)

Cindy: I think we saw this one already.

Bobby (disagreeing): Nah. They all look the same.

(Peter gets distracted by the tv.)

Peter: Will you guys turn that thing off, I’m trying to think.

(They ignore Peter’s request and then he turns the television off.)

Bobby (turning the tv back on): Hey, what are you doing?

Cindy: We were watching!

Peter: I told you, I can’t think!

Bobby: Well, that’s nothing new!

(Peter turns it off again but Bobby turns it back on.)

Peter: Will you guys knock it off, I’m trying to work!

Cindy: You better knock it off, there’s two of us and only one of you.

(Peter turns the tv off again and they all get in another argument. Mike comes in.)

Mike: Wait a minute, wait a minute! (The kids pipe down) What’s the matter?

Peter: Hi, Dad.

Bobby: Big Shot Stoop won’t let us watch TV.

Peter: They can watch TV upstairs, I’m trying to work.

Mike: Why can’t you work upstairs?

Peter: Dad, a newspaper man has to be by the phone. You never know when a big story might break.

Mike: Well, that’s a point. Why can’t you kids watch television upstairs?

Bobby: That’s just a dinky little set up there, Dad.

Cindy: And what if we get hungry? This is right next to the kitchen.

Bobby: Yeah.

Mike: Look, kids, when somebody’s doing something that’s important to him, sometimes the others have to accept a little inconvenience.

Bobby (to Cindy): He means we got to watch upstairs.

Cindy: I know what he means.

(They leave.)

Peter: Thanks, Dad.

Mike: You’re welcome. How’s the column coming. Scoop?

Peter: Writing is sure a lot tougher than I thought.

Mike (reading): The whole truth. That’s all you got?

Peter: That’s all I can think of. (The phone rings and Peter gets excited) I bet that’s one of the guys with a high flash for the column. (He answers) Scoop Brady talking. Oh, it’s for you, Dad.

Mike: Mmm hmm, thank you.

Peter: Dad.

Mike: Yes?

Peter: Would you mind keeping it a little short? You never know when a big story might break.

Mike: Sure thing, Scoop.

(Next, Marcia and Jan are using puppets of their teachers to perform on the upcoming jamboree night.)

Marcia (as their gym teacher): All right, children, time for exercises.

Jan (voicing other students): Not again! We hate ‘Em!

Marcia: Oh, come on, now. 1,2. 1, come on, come on.

Carol (coming by): Hey, what’s going on here? (Marcia and Jan show her the puppets) Those are really cute.

Marcia (showing her one of them): This is Ms. Crocker, our gym teacher.

Carol: oh, how do you do, Ms. Crocker?

Marcia: How do you do? 1,2,1,2.

Carol: What are they for?

Marcia: We’re doing a skit on our teachers for jamboree night. You know, rib a little.

Carol: That’s the best time to rib them, after your final grades. And speaking of grades, you two have finals this week.

Marcia: I finished all my studying, Mom.

Jan: So did I, that’s why I’m helping Marcia with these puppets. (She takes another puppet and mimics the voice) I’m Mrs. Sundance, Marcia’s English teacher.

Carol: Well, hello.

(Marcia takes out another one.)

Marcia: And this is Mr. Price, the science teacher. (She mimics his voice) And now students, we take up the study of chlorophyll. Chlorophyll is a Greek word. Chloral means green and I guess Phil is the guy who discovered it.

(Peter comes out.)

Peter: You got Mr. Price down perfect.

Marcia: He’s the toughest teacher I ever had.

Carol: You have him this term, don’t you, Peter.

Peter: I sure do.

Carol: Well, just remember, Scoop Brady, you have finals too. So don’t neglect your studies because of that column.

Peter: Don’t worry, Mom. Everything is real cool.

Carol: Yeah, well, make sure everything doesn’t warm up (she takes the puppet of the gym teacher) 1,2,1,2.

(Marcia notices the column in his hand.)

Marcia: Is that your column?

Peter: Yeah.

Jan: Can we read it?

Peter: Well, uh.

Marcia: Come on. (She takes it and reads it) All it says is The Whole Truth by Scoop brady.

Peter: Well, I haven’t finished it yet.

Jan: It isn’t even started.

Peter: I had lots of trouble getting it started. Before I became a writer I could think of a million things to write about. Now I can’t think of one.

Marcia: Come on, there’s lots of things to write about.

Peter: Oh yeah, name one.

Marcia: Well, how about jamboree night.

Jan: And the girls’ basketball team, undefeated.

Marcia: And so is the debating team.

Peter: Hey, that’s real good stuff.

Jan: And the drama club is doing one 3-act play.

Marcia: And there’s a charity..

Peter: Okay, okay, you’re getting me confused. I’ll get on it right away.

Marcia (mimicking Mr. Price): I say, that Scoop is some reporter, I say, yes he is some reporter indeed.

(Next, Peter shows the column to Greg and Alice for their opinions.)

Peter: Well what do you think?

Greg: Well, it’s, it’s, it’s not a bad column, Pete.

Alice: Well, the typing is real neat, Peter.

Peter: You think it’s rotten.

Greg: Not at all. The items are fine. The way you wrote it, it’s a little (Pause) dull. Right, Alice.

Alice: Well, you could jazz it up a ittle.

Peter: How?

Alice: Well take the pie sale, you said, 14 apple pies were baked. Hah, couldn’t you say something like, what sweet young thing in the 8th grade bakes the wildest apple pies in town.

Peter: Hey, I get it. Make it more personal.

Greg: Right. The girls basketball item, you didn’t mention a single name. Kids like to see their names in the paper and read about themselves.

Alice: Particularly if you appeal to their vanity.

(Greg laughs.)

Peter: Vanity? What’s vanity?

Alice: Vanity is what makes women with size 12 feet wear size 8 shoes.

Greg: She means flatter them.

Peter: Names and flatter them. Boy will I ever. Thanks.

(We next see Peter typing away and then we see him at school. His friend Iris comes up to him.)

Iris: Peter, Peter.

Peter: Hi, Iris.

Iris: I just wanted to thank you, they picked me to be yell leader, and I owe it all to you.

Peter: Why me?

Iris: Because of all the things you wrote about me in your column.

Peter: I’m glad it helped.

Iris: Maybe we can have malts after school.

Peter: Swell.

Iris: And I’m paying, you’re my guest, Peter.

(Peter gloats to himself and his friend Harvey approaches him next.)

Harvey: Peter, you’re the greatest.

Peter: You mean the item in the column.

Harvey: I’ve never been so popular with girls. They really believe that stuff you wrote about me, being a great dancer.

Peter: Well you are, compared to me. I can’t dance at all.

(Harvey hands him something.)

Harvey: Here, it’s only some candy bars. But I just wanted to show my appreciation.

Peter: Thanks.

Harvey: Hey, and if you can think of anything else to say about me, I’ve got an uncle who owns a pizza place. See you.

(Peter smiles and next, his friend Diane comes to him.)

Diane: Peter, I’ve been looking all over for you.

Peter: Well, it looks like you found me.

Diane (very excited): Thanks for the great item in your column about my singing. Mrs. Merritt asked me to do a solo on jamboree night!

Peter: That’s great.

Diane: And Peter, I’m gonna have a super party soon, and you’re the first name on my guess list.

(She gives him a playful punch and Peter smiles at her. Next, Peter is at home talking on the phone with his friend, Eddie.)

Peter: I know you’re studying, Eddie. But I need an item for my column. Yeah, something real snappy. A little gossip for… (Mike comes by so Peter changes the subject to science) Have you got the whole thing on osmosis, Eddie? Yeah, I know, that science class isn’t too easy. Okay, let me know if you’re stuck again, bye.

(He hangs up and Mike goes to get an apple.)

Mike: Getting squared away on osmosis?

Peter: Yeah.

Mike: Well, that makes me feel a little bit better.

Peter: How do you mean?

Mike: All the time you’ve been spending on your column and all the parties you’ve been invited to, your mother and I have been a little bit afraid that you’ve been neglecting your schoolwork.

Peter: I’m gonna do more studying right now.

Mike: You are?

Peter: Yeah.

Mike: Hey, that’s good. Turn off the lights when you’re through.

(He leaves and Peter looks up.)

Peter: Osmosis. I got to find out what the heck an osmosis is or does.

(Next, Peter is talking to Greg and Marcia about science and his upcoming science final.)

Greg: We both had Mr. Price for science, and we know what kind of final exams he gives.

Marcia: I’m sure we can help.

Peter: Thanks. I just hope it’s not too late.

Marcia: The easiest way to remember things is by making up little rhymes about them, like, a vertebrate has a back that’s straight.

Peter: A vertebrate has a back that’s straight. Hey, that’s a great idea.

Greg: Do you know what a primate is?

Peter: Primate, primate, primate. I don’t think I do. On second thought, I’m sure I don’t.

Greg: You can remember it like this. A primate has the size and shape of a monkey, a man or any old ape.

Peter: A primate has the size and shape of a monkey, a man or any old ape. Hey, that’s a great system.

Greg: Hey, it worked for me.

Marcia: Me too.

Peter: Hey, I just thought of another good rhyme.

Greg: What?

Peter: Next year’s gonna be so nice, I won’t have to worry about Mr. Price.

Greg: Pete, you better hit the book, and read it.

(Peter starts reading and Marcia picks up the puppet of Mr. Price.)

Marcia: Mr. Price, have pity on my brother.

(Next, we see Mr. Price at Peter’s school. Peter comes to speak to him.)

Peter: Mr. Price.

Price (looking up): Yes, Peter.

Peter: I was wondering, the exam we took on Friday. Have you finished grading all the papers yet?

Price: Not all of them.

Peter (in relief): Oh.

Price: It is my customary procedure, I grade papers alphabetically, according to students’ names. I am presently up to L.

Peter (upset): L, then you’re past B.

Price: The key analytical deductions, Peter, the note of your deductions of the examination, I’m afraid, Peter.

Peter: That sounds like I didn’t do so good.

Price: You didn’t do so well, either. (He searches for Peter’s test) I’m quite disappointed in you, Peter. For the first half of the semester, you have received a B. I thought you’d be one of my better students.

(He gives him the test paper.)

Peter: Is this test gonna have a big effect on my report card?

Price: Final examinations usually do. Peter.

Peter: Thank you, sir. (He leaves the room and looks at his test in the hallway) D, a big, fat D.

(The scene fades away.)

images mr. price

(The next scene has Alice in the bedroom playing with some of the puppets. Marcia and Jan come in.)

Alice: Do I know you from somewhere? (She says something in French, pretending it’s coming from the puppet) I’ll bet you say that to all the girls. (mimicking the puppet) You bad, impetuous girl, kiss me.

(She kisses the puppet and Marcia and Jan laugh. An embarrassed Alice turns around.)

Alice: Uh, uh, (she laughs) Hi, kids. Uh, uh, uh, uh (to the dummy) Don’t just stand there like a dummy, get me out of this.

(Peter comes home through the front door. He takes another look at the test, hides it in his jacket, then runs up the stairs. Carol comes out of the den.)

Carol: Hi, Peter. (Peter is still running) Hey, what’s your hurry? Come here a minute.

Peter: I got a lot of things to do.

Carol: How did you do on your finals?

Peter: Most of them went okay.

Carol: How was your science final? Was Mr. Price as tough as they say?

Peter: Mr. Price said he hasn’t finished grading all the test papers yet.

Carol: But how do you think you did?

Peter: I’m sure I didn’t get an A.

Carol: Well, I’ll settle for an A-.

9She walks away.)

Peter (to himself): Boy, so would I.

(Peter is up in his room and Bobby and Cindy come in.)

Bobby: Hi, Pete.

(He turns on the television.)

Peter: What do you think you’re doing?

Bobby: We want to watch TV.

Peter: Well, why don’t you watch TV in the family room.

Cindy: We can’t.

Bobby: You got us kicked out of the family room, dumbhead.

Peter: Well, I’m kicking you back in.

Bobby: The way you’re kicking us around you must kick we’re footballs.

Peter: I got to do a lot of heavy thinking up here.

Cindy: If you don’t think too loud, you won’t bother us.

Peter: Look, if you both watch TV downstairs, I’ll give you a candy bar, okay.

Bobby: Me too?

Peter: You too.

(He goes over to his drawer and takes out the box that Harvey gave him.)

Cindy: Wow, you’ve got a whole box.

Bobby: Where did you get all that candy?

Peter: From a guy at school, I wrote some nice things about him in my column.

Bobby: You mean people give you things for that?

Peter; Sure, they like to read nice things about themselves. They give you candy bars, pizza, soda, and passes to the movies. (Bobby and Cindy look at each other happily) And maybe, maybe even a good grade. Yeah.

Cindy: Yeah, what.

Peter: Never mind. (He hands them each a candy bar) You’ll miss your movie, hurry up. (They leave) I got a special column to write.

(Peter sits down and starts to type. Then he remembers the old brown hat and puts it on. Greg comes in the room and inquires about his work.)

Greg: Say, any hot flashes to shake the world with, Scoop?

Peter (with a pencil in his mouth): I’m almost finished.

Greg; What?

Peter (removing the pencil): I said I’m almost finished. (Greg puts his jacket in the closet) Greg, what’s a way of saying somebody’s the best at his job?

Greg: Outstanding.

Peter: I already used that one.

Greg: Super, terrific.

Peter: I used them too.

Greg: Head and shoulders above the crowd.

Peter: Hey, that’s great.

(He continues to type and Greg reads a copy of his item.)

Greg: There have been many great men in our country. Washington, Lincoln, but there is a man in our school who is just as great, Mr. Price. (He goes into disbelieving) Mr. Price, the science teacher?

Peter: Yeah, here’s the carbon copy if you want to read it.

Greg (laughing): Are you kidding? When I had him we called him Mr. Sour-puss.

Peter: That’s just the way you see him. I got to get this column to my editor right away.

(He leaves the room with his copy.)

Greg (reading): Washington, Lincoln and (he starts laughing) Mr. price?

(Cut over to the girls’ room, where Marcia and Jan are practicing using the puppets.)

Marcia (mimicking a teacher): Good morning, Mr. Price. (mimicking Mr. Price) What’s so good about it, may I ask?

Jan: No Marcia, I can still see your lips move.

Marcia: it’s not easy to talk with your mouth closed.

Greg (coming in): Marcia, Jan, you got to read this. You won’t believe it.

(They read the article.)

Marcia (laughing out loud): Mr. Price!

Jan: Peter’s flipped!

(Marcia mimics Mr. Price and uses the puppet.)

Marcia: I’m Mr. Price and even I don’t believe it.

(They make a few more comments and Mike come sin the room.)

Greg: Hi, Dad.

Mike: I thought you were gonna take care of that back lawn this afternoon.

Greg: Oh, yeah, I will Dad, right away.

(Mike notices their laughter.)

Mike: What’s so funny?

Jan: This is.

(She shows him the paper.)

Marcia: Scoop Brady’s latest column.

Mike: You mean we got an Art Buchwald in the family?

Greg: Sure.

(He shows him what Peter has written.)

Mike: I don’t think I’ve gotten to the funny part yet.

Jan: It’s all funny if you know Mr. Price.

Marcia: He’s the dullest.

Jan: I’m not gonna have him till next year and everyone in the whole school knows how dull Mr. price is.

Greg: He’s the kind of guy, Dad, who tells the class jokes in Latin, and all semester only one kid laughed and he was Italian.

(They all laugh including Mike.)

Mike: Come on, I think you’re being a little hard on Mr. Price.

Greg: It’s not that he’s a bad teacher, he just has a little trouble getting through to the kids.

Mike: Well, according to this, he seems to have gotten through to Peter. Listen, don’t forget the lawn, okay.

Greg: I won’t.

(Mike leaves and the kids continue laughing.)

Jan: Do you think Peter actually thinks he’s great?

Greg: Are you kidding? He’s got to have some reason for writing that column.

(Next, Carol finds the test in Peter’s jacket and takes it out.)

Carol (astonished): A D?

Alice: What’s that, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: look what I found in Peter’s jacket, it’s his science test. I thought it hadn’t even been graded yet.

Alice: Oh my, and D sure doesn’t stand for dandy.

(Next, Carol shows the test to Mike.)

Carol: No wonder he was being so evasive about it.

Mike: Well, I’m not excusing Peter, honey, but it, uh, it isn’t easy telling your parents about bad grades.

Carol: And he’s a good student. I’ll bet he didn’t study at all.

Mike: You know, it’s really ironic.

Carol: How do you mean?

Mike: Only because Peter wrote a whole column about Mr. Price. Made him sound like a cross between Albert Einstein and Albert Schweitzer.

Carol: I’ll bet that’s before he got the D.

Mike: No, matter of fact (Pause) He wrote it after.

(Next, Mike gives Peter a talking to.)

Peter: How did you find my test?

Mike: You left it in the pocket of your jacket.

Peter: Oh. (Pause) Well, it was a tough test. Ask any of the kids.

Mike: I’m sure it was. Look, Peter, your mother and I wouldn’t mind the D so much if you thought you’ve done your very best. But you didn’t, did you?

Peter: No.

Mike: No, you didn’t. You were spending too much time being Scoop Brady reporter and not enough time being Peter Brady student. Right?

Peter: I’m sorry.

Mike: Mmm, listen, about this article you wrote this afternoon. The one you wrote about Mr. Price.

Peter: You know about that too?

Mike: Yes I do. Was thta like your article said, the whole truth? Or was that just a snow job? In hopes of getting Mr. Price to give you a better grade on your report card?

Peter: Snow job, I guess.

Mike: Son, there is a thing called the power of the press, and with the use of that power comes responsibility.

Peter: Guess I wasn’t very responsible, was I?

Mike: No, you weren’t. Writing nice things about your friends or about Mr. price, just to get personal rewards isn’t exactly honest reporting.

Peter: What can I do now? I already turned in the column.

Mike: I’m sure you will think of something.

(Mike leaves the room and we cut to Mr. price’s classroom at Peter’s school. Peter comes in to speak to him.)

Price (surprised): yes, peter.

Peter: Good morning, Mr. Price. I guess I’m a little early.

Price (looking at his watch): You are indeed. Class doesn’t occur for another three hours.

Peter: Sir, I have to talk to you about something.

Price: Proceed.

Peter: I wrote a column about you, it’s coming out in the paper. And some of the things I said, I didn’t really mean.

Price: Oh.

Peter: Like I said you were the greatest teacher in the world. I didn’t really mean the greatest, I meant, fantastic. Not really fantastic, more like terrific. 9He shakes his head no) Terrific, I meant…

Price: I know what you meant, Peter. (He pulls a paper out of his folder) I believe this is the article which you are referring to.

Peter: Yeah, where did you get it?

Price: Newspaper procedure. Better to have the better part of the actual data before it’s printed.

Peter: Oh.

Price (getting up from his chair): Peter, I have been a teacher too long not to recognized a soft soak job.

Peter: Snow job, sir.

Price: Snow job, soft soak job, whatever. Now flattery was a tempt of the membranous renege of a lepidoptera.

Peter: What?

Price: A wing of a butterfly. Lepidoptera is a scientific name for butterfly. You should’ve known that, Peter.

Peter: Oh, I thought I was being subtle.

Price: Oh, I could read between the lines. I take it from this letter that my students find me somewhat remote and lacking in wits.

Peter: Boy, you really can read between the lines.

Price: Also, I take it I may have some problems with communication.

Peter: Well, just with all those Greek and Latin words you use, the kids almost have to be professors to understand.

Price: Well, perhaps we both learned something from this experience.

Peter: yes, sir.

(Price gives Peter the paper and he tears it up and Peter starts to leave.)

Peter: Oh, Mr. Price, could you give me a hint on what my final grade of the semester will be?

Price: You get exactly what you deserve, peter.

Peter: That’s what I was afraid of.

(Peter comes home and tells Mike, who is in the den, about his day with Mr. Price.)

Peter: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hello, Peter.

Peter: I just wanted to tell you, that I talked to Mr. Price and I told him what I did.

Mike: Well, I’m glad son. That took courage to do that.

Peter: And from now on, I’m not gonna take any candy bars, or movie passes, or anything else. No matter what I write in my column.

Mike: At a boy. I bet you feel better about that, don’t you.

Peter: I sure do. Especially about Mr. Price, he was really nice.

Mike: Well, I feel better about that, too.

Peter: You do?

Mike: Uh-huh.

Peter: That’s great, could you hold that feeling until my science grade comes out?

(Peter leaves and Mike gives a bewildered look, then laughs. The scene fades away.)

untitled the system

(The final scene has Mike and Carol in their room, with Mike signing all the kids’ report cards.)

Carol: You’re almost through, honey?

Mike: Yeah, sweetheart, I’m down tot he last signature. Well, I bet I’m the only parent in the neighborhood who gets writers cramp signing report cards.

Carol: Well, the kids did all right. Even counting Peter’s problem with Mr. Price.

Mike: Oh yeah, well, he got a C. (They both get into bed) Altogether I think they got 12 A’s, 29 B’s and only 7 C’s.

Carol: Well, that’s a good average.

Mike: You betcha. Good night, honey.

(He reaches over to kiss her.)

Carol: I give it a C.

(Mike lays down but then gets up again.)

Mike: Give what a C?

Carol: That kiss, I give it a C.

Mike: How about a chance to improve my grade?

Carol: That seems fair.

(He gives her an even bigger kiss.)

Carol: Umm, yes, that’s definitely A B.

Mike (shocked): Only a B?

Carol: I’m sorry, I call them as I feels them.

Mike: How about another chance for a willing pupil?

Carol: Fire when ready, Gridley.

(He shuts off the light and gives her an even bigger, more passionate kiss.)

Carol: Now that’s an A.

(They have another kiss.)

untitled phony column

                              THE END


S3 E18 The Big Bet

untitled anybody home

The Big Bet

Written by Elroy Schwartz

Bobby wins a bet with Greg and gets to boss him around for a week. Hope you enjoy the script.











RACHEL, Greg’s girlfriend

(The episode begins with Bobby riding home on his bike. Then he runs in the house excited.)

Bobby: Mom, Alice! Mom, Alice! Mom, Dad, Alice!  (He starts to run up the stairs) Mom, Dad! Is anybody home?

Greg (calling): Bobby, I’m on the phone!

(Greg is in the family room, talking on the phone.)

Greg: Yeah, Rachel, I met you in the school cafeteria the other day. No, I wasn’t spaghetti and meatballs, I was barbecued ribs. Right, I was sitting right across from you.

(Bobby runs in the family room.)

Bobby (excited): Greg, guess what happened! I chinned myself five times!

Greg: I got brown hair, blue eyes…

Bobby: Greg, didn’t you hear me? I chinned myself five times.

Greg (to Bobby): Can’t you see I’m on the phone? (He gets back on the phone) I didn’t get a chance and talk to you because I had to go to basketball practice.

Bobby: Yeah but I, I was the only kid in my class who could do that many chin-ups.

Greg: Hold on a second. (to Bobby) That’s pretty good for a kid your size, but not now, I’m on the phone. (He gets back on the phone) Sorry, Rachel. Listen, I have to get over to the library now, I’ll call you again tonight, okay, bye.

(He hangs up.)

Bobby: I’m gonna keep practicing. By the end of the week, I’ll be able to chin myself 7 or maybe 8 times, that’d be pretty good.

Greg: Yeah, that’d be pretty good.

Bobby: Pretty good? It’s sensational!

Greg: let’s not get carried away, I can do twice as many chin-ups but I don’t go yelling my brains out about it.

Bobby: I bet you a million dollars you can’t do twice as many chin-ups as I can.

Greg (laughing): I wish you had a million dollars.

Bobby: Then I’ll bet you a thousand.

Greg: Stop being ridiculous.

Bobby: You’re just chicken, you won’t bet me because you know you’ll lose.

Greg: Bobby, keep it cool.

Bobby: Then bet me. By the end of the week, you can’t do twice as many chin-ups as I can.

Greg: Okay, wise guy, you got yourself a bet.

Bobby (pondering): What do you wanna bet?

Greg: I know, you have to do everything I tell you to do for a whole week.

Bobby: Okay, and if I win, you have to do whatever I tell you.

Greg (confident): Right.

Bobby: It’s a bet, shake on it.

(They shake hands as the scene fades.)

untitled the bet

(The next scene has Bobby working out with dumbbells and Peter comes by.)

Peter: Come on, I’ll play you a game of 21.

Bobby: I can’t, I got to train for my big bet with Greg.

Peter: What kind of bet?

Bobby: The loser has to do whatever the winner tells him for a whole week.

Peter: A whole week? Wow, what did you bet on?

Bobby: By the end of the week, I bet he can’t do twice as many chin-ups as I can.

(Bobby puts down the dumbbells and goes over to the weight.)

Peter: How many can you do?

Bobby: How do I know? It isn’t the end of the week yet.

Peter (noticing the weight): Hey, that looks pretty heavy.

Bobby: Don’t worry, I can lift it.

(Bobby tries to lift the weight but finds it much heavier than he thought. Peter looks at him with pity. Mike comes home.)

Mike: Hello!

(He notices the mail on the living room end table. He picks it up and goes through it.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart. (They kiss) Anything good in here?

Carol: No, just a few bills.

Mike (handing them to her): Here, you can have those.

Carol: Oh, thank you.

(Mike notices an envelope.)

Mike: Hey, here’s something from my old high school. It’s the old alma mater.

Carol: They want their diploma back.

Mike: Very funny. Let’s see. (He opens it an dreads it) A-ha, I am formally invited to the 20th reunion of my graduating class Saturday night.

Carol: Oh, that’s great. We’re free Saturday.

Mike: High school, wow, that’s going way back. I wonder if Smasher Duran will be there.

Carol: Smasher?

Mike: Yeah, we had a bunch of great nicknames. Smasher, Tiger, Porky, Flathead.

Carol (laughing): Did you have a nickname?

Mike: Hmm, let’s plan on going.

Carol: You did have one, what was it?

Mike: That is something you will never find out.

Carol: Oh, I will too, I can just ask every one at the reunion.

Mike: Oh, Carol, you wouldn’t do that.

Carol: Well, of course I would.

Mike: Yes, I think you would. Hot Lips.

Carol (laughing): Hot Lips? Why in the world would they call you Hot Lips?

(The next scene has Greg in his room reading. Marcia comes in to speak to him.)

Marcia: Greg, can I borrow your dictionary?

Greg: Sure, help yourself.

(Marcia takes it and then stops.)

Marcia: How come you’re not out doing pushups or something?

Greg: For what?

Marcia: the bet you made with Bobby.

Greg (laughing): Are you kidding? I don’t have to train to do twice as many anything as Bobby.

Marcia: When you win, I hope Cindy learns a lesson from this too.

Greg: Cindy?

Marcia: Yeah. little brothers are not the only ones who can be a pain in the neck. (She mimics Cindy) Marcia, I can make my bed faster than you. Marcia, I can get dressed faster than you. I wish I thought of making the bet with her.

Greg: it wasn’t my idea. Bobby insisted on betting me. I got some interesting stuff planned out for that little character.

Marcia: Nothing too rough I hope.

Greg: Of course not, nothing too rough. On the other hand, nothing too smooth either.

(They laugh and Marcia leaves the room. We cut down to the den, where Mike and Carol are looking through his old yearbook.)

Carol: What is that?

Mike: Oh, I dug out my old high school yearbook.

Carol: Can I see it?

Mike: Yeah, believe those senior class pictures.

Carol: Oh, I’m gonna see if I can find you.

(She looks through the book and then laughs.)

Mike: You found me.

Carol: Yeah, I found you. You were so thin, didn’t your mother ever feed you?

Mike: I couldn’t eat.

Carol: Why?

Mike: Well, my whole senior class year, I had a wild crush on a girl named Bobo.

Carol: Bobo?

Mike: Yeah, you should’ve seen her (Mike describes her with hand gestures) That was just her head.

Carol: Oh. You never told me about Bobo.

Mike: Didn’t I? That was just her nickname. She’s right in there.

(He tries to point her out.)

Carol: Oh, no. Let me see if I can to find her.

Mike: What, of all the girls in my senior class.

Carol: I know what you like.

Mike: I’ll give you three chances and I’ll bet you still can’t find Bobo.

Carol: It’s a bet.

Mike: Are you serious?

Carol: Absolutely, and I won’t even need three chances, just one. What do we bet?

Mike: How about the same bet that Greg and Bobby made. For one week, the loser has to do whatever the winner says.

Carol: You have got yourself abet, Hot Lips.

(They shake. Bobby is outside working with the dumbbells some more. Alice comes out with an exercise shake.)

Alice: Hi, how about a vitamin break. (Bobby puts down the dumbbells) This stuff will put muscles on your muscles.

Bobby: Thanks, Alice. What’s in it this time?

Alice: If I told you, you wouldn’t drink it.

(Bobby takes a sip and gives a nauseous look.)

Bobby: I’m not drinking it anyway.

Alice: Well, okay, but Greg always used to drink this stuff when he was trying out for the football team, said it made him strong as a horse.

(Bobby takes it back and Alice walks away. bobby still doesn’t like the taste of it. Next, Mike comes out and sees him working out with the dumbbells and weights some more.)

Mike: Hey, that’s pretty good.

Bobby: thanks, Dad.

Mike: You don’t want to overdue it and hurt yourself though, you know. Listen, when you’re through with that exercise, try this one, okay. (he shows him another way to use the dumbbells, by moving it from his right arm and back) Like that, see. That’ll help develop your deltoid muscle.

Bobby: Gee, I didn’t even know I had a deltoid muscle. Where is it?

Mike: Right there. (He points to this shoulder) that’s your deltoid, these are your triseps, those are your biseps, and there’s your spectrum.

Bobby: Boy, I’m loaded with muscles.

Mike: Yeah, well, you’re gonna have to be in shape to beat Greg, he’s pretty good, you know.

Bobby: I’m gonna be better.

Mike: Well, maybe, but you’re gonna have to go all out to prove it, hmm.

(He pats Bobby’s head and walks away. Next, he is stretching himself on the swing set. Marcia comes over to discourage him.)

Marcia: I don’t know why you’re knocking yourself out, Bobby. Greg can beat you with one hand tied behind his back.

(We cut to the boys’ room, where Greg is shining some shoes. Bobby enters.)

Bobby: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Bobby: I’ve really been working out, you know.

Greg: Yeah.

Bobby (enthusiastic): Yeah. Wanna feel the muscles in my arm.

Greg: Nope.

Bobby (sternly): It’s only fair to tell you that I’m up to 7 chin-ups now.

Greg (sarcastically): Seven, wow.

Bobby: I was thinking, a guy shouldn’t take advantage of his own brother.

Greg: He shouldn’t, huh?

Bobby: No, and if you wanted, I’d let you out of the bet, if you wanted.

Greg: Are you kidding? No way. By this time next week, you’ll be doing this for me.

Bobby: Well, you had your chance.

(Bobby leaves and Greg gives a smug look. next, the family is in the backyard, with Bobby doing chin-ups.)

Mike: Eight.

(The family cheers Bobby on a she continues.)

Cindy: Keep on, Bobby, you can do it.

(The other kids continue their cheers.)

Greg: I think this is his last one.

(Bobby does another chin-up.)

Mike: Nine.

Carol: Oh, Bobby, be careful. Don’t overdue it.

(Bobby does yet another chin-up.)

Mike: Ten.

Peter: Come on, Bobby, I’m routing for you.

(Greg gives him an annoyed look. Peter winks at him and Bobby continues with the family’s encouragement.)

Jan: At a boy, Bobby.

Mike: Eleven.

(Bobby goes for another chin-up, but this time, he falls.)

Mike: 11. You ought to be proud of yourself, son.

Carol: That’s over twice as many as you did last week.

Marcia: Good try, but he’s still gonna lose.

Bobby: Oh yeah, only if Greg can do 22 pushups.

Alice: I think I should have bottled that energy juice I gave him.

(It is now Greg’s turn to do chin-ups. Carol counts down how many.)

Peter: Come on, Greg, I’m routing for you.

(bobby gives him a dirty look as Greg continues with Carol counting.)

Carol: 18, 19.

(Greg struggles to do more.)

Marcia: Come on, Greg, you can do it.

(Greg falls and Bobby starts cheering.)

Bobby: I won! I won!

(Greg looks at him with disbelief and the scene fades.)

untitled 11 untitled 19

(The next scene has Greg shining a bunch of shoes.)

Alice: I thought only flies had six feet.

Greg: I wish he was a fly, I’d swat him.

Alice: By the way, a fly sends a message. After he gets through shining his shoes, he’d like to have you wash his sneakers.

Greg (annoyed): Wash his sneakers?

Alice: Yeah, you can either throw them in the washing machine or put them on and take a shower.

Greg: Oh, that little…

Alice: I’d suggest taking a shower. It might help you cool off at the same time.

(We next see Greg throwing away garbage. Marcia and Jan approach him.)

Marcia: Will you be finished soon?

Jan: We have to go to the library before it closes.

Greg: What’s that got to do with me?

Marcia: You’re driving us.

Greg (laughing): I’m not driving you to the library.

Jan: Yes you are, Bobby said so.

Marcia: We’ll wait in the car.

(They walk away laughing and we next see Greg fixing bobby’s bicycle. Peter and Cindy come up to him.)

Peter: After you finish that, Bobby said to sandpaper his skateboard.

Greg (bitterly): Do you know what you can tell Bobby?

Cindy: Sure, that you’ll do it.

(That evening, Greg has a glass of milk and a piece of pie. Alice comes up to him.)

Alice: Hold it, that was the last piece and Bobby decided he wanted it.

(Greg makes a bitter hand suggestion. Mike and Carol are in their bedroom with Carol looking through his yearbook.)

Carol: Hmm, I wonder what Bobo can be a nickname for. Let’s see, Bernice Sheer, Bernice. Bobo?

(Mike is laying down with his eyes closed. He smiles.)

Mike (whispering): Sally. (Carol looks over him curiously) Hmm, Sally.

Carol: Sally. Oh no, but how could Bobo stand for Sally?

Mike (whipering): Betty.

Carol: Betty? (She looks up) Betty, Betty Bobo.

Mike: Zelda.

(Carol picks up her pillow and hits him with it.)

Carol: Oh, Michael Brady, that’s terrible! (She hits him three times) And that’s form Sally, that’s for Betty and that’s for Zelda.

(Next, Greg is on the phone with Rachel.)

Greg: Yeah Rachel, it’s great seeing you at school. But I still wanna take you out. Well, what about a movie tomorrow night? Yeah, the drive-in. It’s a good double bill, uh, a science fiction and a western. Great, great, Rachel. Well, I’ll pick you up about 7. Bye.

(He hangs up and Bobby comes in the room.)

Bobby: Sounds good to me.

Greg (annoyed): What sounds good to you?

Bobby: A double film.

Greg: Exactly what does that mean?

Bobby: I’m going with you.

Greg (getting up): No way.

Bobby: Remember the bet?

Greg (very upset): Look, I’ve taken out the trash for you, and I hosed off the patio for you. I shined your shoes, made your bed, cleaned your bike, I even let you beat me at checkers because you told me to. But that’s it, that’s it. Understand.

Bobby: You have to do whatever I tell you, that’s the bet.

Greg: It didn’t include taking you on dates.

Bobby: It didn’t include not. (Greg refuses to back down) You welcher, I’m gonna go tell Mom and Dad!

(He goes out to the kitchen and Greg angrily follows.)

Bobby: Mom, Greg is trying…

(Greg starts protesting at the same as Bobby, and Carol can’t understand either of them.)

Carol: Hold it, hold it, one at a time.

Greg: I got a date with Rachel!

Bobby: Greg’s closing on our bet, he won’t take me to the movies!

Greg: And he thinks he can go on with me!

Bobby: It was a bet!

(Mike comes in the kitchen.)

Mike: Hey, what’s all the racket?

Greg: Dad, this has nothing to do with the bet…

Bobby: Dad, he won’t…

(They continue to argue at the same time.)

Mike: Hold it! I didn’t hear anything either one of you said.

Carol: That’s the third time I heard it and I still can’t figure it out.

Mike: Bobby.

Bobby: Greg is going to the movies to see two neat pictures, and he won’t take me.

Greg: I got a date with a new girl and I don’t want (pointing at Bobby and saying bitterly) the All-American kid tagging along.

Bobby (angry): Our bet was the loser has to do everything the winner tells him, EVERYTHING!

Greg; I’ve done everything else, but dates are different!

Carol: Greg, if I remember correctly, the bet did include everything.

Greg (seething): Not dates.

Mike: Now look, Greg, this might seem a little rough, but when you make a bet, you have to be prepared to pay off. Okay, maybe next time you’ll remember, no bet is a sure thing.

Greg (bitterly): Yeah, I’ll remember, all right. Okay, okay, I’ll just call off the date.

Bobby: It’s okay with me. I don’t care if she comes along or not.

Greg (angry): Listen, Mr. Chin-up king. I’ve done everything you asked, fair and square. There’s no way, no way are you going on my date with Rachel.

(The next scene has Greg and Rachel in the car, watching the movie. Bobby is in the back seat.)

Bobby: You’re blocking my view.

(Greg and Rachel move away from each other and then Bobby moves up towards the front.)

Bobby: I want some more popcorn.

Greg: You already had three bags.

Bobby: Then I want some pizza.

(Greg gets out of the car.)

Greg: I’ll be back, Rachel.

(Bobby moves into the driver’s seat.)

Bobby: Boy, you can really see better from up here.

Rachel (weakly): Uh-huh.

Bobby: Neat movie, isn’t it.

Rachel: Yeh, real neat.

Bobby: Having fun, huh.

Rachel: Uh, we’re having a ball.

Bobby: You see, I told Greg if I came, you wouldn’t mind.

(Rachel gives him an incredulous look. Greg comes back with Bobby’s pizza.)

Greg (to Bobby): Here’s the pizza you ordered. (Bobby scoots over between Greg and Rachel) And that’s all the food you get, our bet had nothing to do with me going broke.

Rachel: Greg, wouldn’t it be nice if Bobby got in the back seat to eat his pizza?

Greg: Yes, that’d be nice.

Bobby: Okay.

(He gets in back. Greg shuts the door and the horn goes off.)

Greg (to Bobby); Shh!

Bobby: I didn’t do that.

(They settle down to watch the movie as Greg starts putting hios arm around Rachel.)

Bobby: Want some pizza?

Greg: No.

Bobby: How about you, Rachel? It’s real good, pepperoni and onion.

Rachel: Uh, no thank you.

Bobby: You guys don’t know what you’re missing.

Greg: We know what we’re missing.

(Greg puts his arm around Rachel again and Bobby again interrupts them.)

Bobby: You’re blocking my view again.

Greg: Come on, Bobby,  stop fooling around. You’re not even watching the movie.

Bobby (freshly): Neither are you.

Rachel: I’ll tell you what, why don’t we all watch the movie.

(They all settle down once again to watch the movie, then Bobby comes up with another idea.)

Bobby: It’s warm in here. Put the top down.

Greg (extremely annoyed): Put the top down? Now look, Bobby.

Rachel: You might as well do it, Greg.

(Bobby nods as Greg abides to his wishes. The horn goes on as he does so and then they watch the movie again. Suddenly, Bobby takes out an umbrella.)

Greg: What do you think you’re doing?

Bobby: it might rain. You wouldn’t want sweetie pie to get wet, would you?

Greg: Now you’re just being a wise guy. Put that umbrella away!

Bobby: I told you, it might rain.

Greg: Well, if it might rain, I’m putting the top back up.

(Greg puts the top back up but it crushes the umbrella and the top puts a hole in the top of the car.)

Greg: Now you’ve done it, wait till Dad sees this.

(The next scene has Mike and Carol returning home from the reunion. They settle the bet.)

Carol: Well, I didn’t know anybody there but I really had a good time tonight.

Mike: Yeah, some reunion.

Carol: Oh, boy.

Mike: Ahem, hem, well.

Carol: Well what?

Mike: Come on, it’s time to settle our bet. Which one was Bobo?

Carol: Well, she was one of the women there tonight, right?

Mike: Right, right.

Carol (pondering): Well, let’s see, now.

Mike: Come on, come on, no stalling. You got plenty of time.

Carol: Well, okay, I’ll take a wild guess. (Mike laughs) Irene Henselross.

Mike: That’s right, how did you guess that?

Carol: Simple deduction. Number 1, I know what you like. Number 2, I know what you don’t like, and Number 3, she came over and introduced herself and said you used to call her Bobo.

(They hear the car pulling in.)

Carol: Oh, Greg and Bobby must be back.

Mike: I wonder how their big date with Rachel came out.

(Outside, Greg shows his parents the damage caused to the top of the car.)

Greg: I figure it will cost about 150 bucks for anew top, dad.

Mike: Well, that’s great, that’s just great.

Carol: Bobby, How could you do that?

Bobby: I’m sorry. I guess I’m what you call a little stinker.

Greg: A little stinker?

Bobby (angry): A big stinker! I’ll pay for the new top, Dad.

Mike: Well, as Greg said, you know, a new top is gonna cost about $150 dollars.

Bobby: Well, Greg said he’d pay me a dollar a week to do his chores.

Carol: Oh, great, you’ll be doing his chores for three years.

Bobby: That’s okay, I deserve it.

Mike: Well, we’ll discuss the financial arrangements later. I,I hope you learned something from all this.

Bobby: I sure have. For one thing, I’ll never bet on anything again. Even if you win, you lose.

Carol: is that all?

Bobby: If I can boss anyone around again, I’ll never be mean.

Mike: Well, that’s good, anything else?

Bobby: Oh yeah, I almost forgot the most important thing.

Mike: What’s that?

Bobby: Well, when you go to a drive-in movie in a convertible, never bring an umbrella.

(He walks away as Mike, carol and Greg try to suppress their laughter. The scene fades away.)

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(The final scene has Mike and Carol in their bedroom. Carol is laying down and Mike is about to get into bed but Carol wants him to do some things for her.)

Carol (sitting up): Honey, I think I’d like to read, would you please get me my book? It’s over there on the dresser.

Mike: I just got into bed.

Carol (pinching his cheek): Bobo.

(He gets up and gets the book. He hand sit to her as he returns.)

Carol: Thank you.

Mike: Anything else while I’m up?

Carol: No, not that I can think of.

(He gets under the covers and they smile at each other. Then she finds she needs to sneeze.)

Carol: Oh, honey, I think I need a tissue. Would you get one for me? They’re right over there.

Mike: Bobo?

Carol: Yeah, Bobo.

(He gets up to get the tissues. He goes back and gives her one.)

Carol: Thank you.

Mike: Anything else?

Carol: No. no. That’s all. (He gets back in bed.) There is one other thing.

Mike: Now what?

Carol: you didn’t kiss me good night.

Mike: Do I have to?

(She pinches the sides of his mouth as they kiss good night.)

                                 THE END

untitled greg, bobby and rachel

S3 E17 Jan’s Aunt Jenny

NOTE: Please forgive me if I misspell or get some words and names wrong. I was unable to find subtitles.


untitled aunt jenny

Jan’s Aunt Jenny

Written by Michael Morris

The Bradys find an old picture of their great aunt (Carol’s aunt) Jenny, who resembled Jan 40 years earlier. Eventually she comes to pay a visit. Hope you enjoy the script.











AUNT JENNY, Carol’s aunt and the kids’ great-aunt

(The episode begins with the Bradys cleaning out their attic. They are walking down the stairs with boxes. Then they go in the family room.)

Marcia: Mom, how come we suddenly decided to move all this old junk out of the attic?

Carol: Because we need room for all the new junk.

Mike: Listen, I think I’ve toted my last barge and lifted my last bail. Besides, I want to work on this before the kids get it.

(Mike takes an old gramophone and takes it to his den. Carol laughs as Cindy and Jan are laughing at something else.)

Marcia: What’s so funny?

Jan: This old picture, it’s so funny. Look at it.

(Carol sees it.)

Carol: that’s a picture of my great-grandmother.

Cindy: is that supposed to be a bathing suit?

Alice: That is a turn of the century full length bikini.

Carol: As a matter of fact, my great-grandmother got arrested for wearing one of those.

Marcia: What for?

Carol: Indecent exposure. Look, her knees are showing.

Alice: That naughty girl.

(Cindy finds another picture that looks a little too familiar.)

Cindy: Gee, look at this one. It’s Jan.

Jan (looking at the picture): Gee, I don’t remember taking that.

Carol: You didn’t, honey. That was a picture of my Aunt Jenny. It was taken when she was about your age. My goodness, it must have been about 40 years ago.

Alice: The resemblance is remarkable, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: It really is, isn’t it.

Cindy: It looks just like Jan.

Marcia: Exactly.

Jan (taking another look): Gee, it’s, it’s spooky.

Carol: Well, come on everybody, up and atom. There are a lot more goodies in the attic. Come on.

(They go upstairs but Jan and Marcia stay behind momentarily.)

Jan (to Marcia): I wonder what she looks like now.

Marcia: Maybe that’s what you’ll look like.

Jan: I think I’ll send Aunt Jenny a picture of myself and ask her to send me a picture of herself.

Marcia: Good idea.

Jan: I’m gonna write her right away. I can hardly wait to see what she looks like.

(The scene fades.)

untitled 40 years

9The next scene has Alice in the kitchen and Jan comes home.)

Jan: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi, sweetie.

Jan: Is there any mail for me today?

Alice: Honey, you have been asking me that for 10 days, and every day I told you the same thing, no. But today I’m gonna tell you yes.

Jan: There is?

Alice: On the counter.

(Jan finds a letter on the counter and runs upstairs with it.)

Jan (excited): It’s from her, it’s from her!

Alice: It’s from who, it’s form who?

(Jan goes upstairs to her room, puts her books down and puts on her glasses. She opens the letter and starts to read.)

Jan (reading): Dear soul sister, thanks for the picture and I’ll bet we’re the first twins that were born 40 years apart. Like you wrote, it’s real spooky. Enclosed is the latest photo of me. Hope that very soon we can exchange hugs instead of pictures. Love, Jenny.

(Jan hurriedly takes out the picture of her great-aunt. She is shocked to find that Aunt Jenny is a plain, middle-aged woman. Jan looks in the mirror and sees the resemblance between her and the picture.)

Jan: Oh, no.

(Meanwhile, Mike is in his den putting the gramophone together while Bobby is in there pestering him.)

Bobby: Screwdriver?

Mike: Thank you.

(Bobby grabs a screwdriver and gives it to Mike. Then he picks up the horn of the gramophone and pretends to speak into it.)

Bobby: All right, all in the room, we got the building surrounded. So you can trap your guns and come out with your hands high.

Mike: Will you stop horsing around?

Bobby: Ee, I’m a little deef.

Mike: Cut it out and get out of here.

(Bobby runs out and then Jan comes in. )

Jan: Dad, can I talk to you for a minute about something?

Mike: Why, sure.

Jan: Well, I’m having a little problem with biology.

Mike: I’m no Luther Burbank but shoot.

Jan: Well, it’s about heredity and what makes people grow up the way they do.

Mike: You mean chronozones and genes.

Jan: I guess that’s what I mean. How do they work, Dad.

Mike: As I said I’m no expert. But the genes in your chronozones are what carry your heredity, your traits, from, generation to generation. That’s how a bean ends up looking like another bean instead of a cucumber or something.

Jan: So you mean, when you’re born, your genes already figured out what you’re gonna look like when you grow up?

Mike: Yeah, pretty much.

Jan: Well, if two people looked alike when they were children, would they look alike when they grew up?

Mike: No one knows for sure, but there’s every chance. (He gets happy because he successfully fixed the gramophone) Does that clear things up a little?

Jan: That clears things up a lot.

(Next, Jan is the bathroom examining her face in the mirror.)

Jan (bitterly): I can see the wrinkles starting already. Yuck.

(Greg and Peter bang on the door.)

Greg: Jan, are you still in there?

Jan: I’ll be out in a minute.

Greg: You’ve been saying a minute for a half hour. Now, come on, we got to wash p.

Jan: Okay.

(Greg and Peter come in and notice Jan looking at herself obsessively.)

Peter: You’re gonna crack the mirror looking at the mirror so much.

Jan (offended): I don’t think that’s at all funny! Are you trying to say I’m so ugly my face can crack a mirror?

Greg: Hey, take it easy, Jan. He was just kidding.

Jan: Well I think it’s the cruelest cruelty to kid a person about her ugliness. A person can’t help how she looks!

Greg (to Peter): She’s weird.

Jan: Oh, so now she’s weird looking!

Peter: He didn’t say that.

Jan (to Greg): Did you say weird or not?

Greg: I didn’t say weird weird, I meant strange.

Jan: Strange? I can’t do anything about my face, so why tease me about it?

(Marcia comes in the bathroom from the hallway door.)

Marcia: What was that all about?

Greg: Jan’s got a thing about her face all of a sudden.

Marcia: What’s the matter with it?

Peter: I don’t know. It’s the same face she always had.

(Jan is on her bed moping and Marcia comes in to talk to her.)

Marcia: Jan, do you want to talk? (Jan shakes her head no) Come on, that’s what older sisters are for.

(Jan shows her the picture of Aunt Jenny.)

Jan: This is Aunt Jenny now. Me, 40 years from now.

Marcia: What are you talking about?

Jan: Don’t you understand? If I look like this now, I’ll look like that then.

Marcia: Who says so?

Jan: Heredity. I read all about genes and I talked to Dad about it too.

Marcia: Jan, I think you’re getting all upset about nothing.

Jan: Don’t try to make me feel better because it won’t work.

Marcia: Look, why worry about something now, that won’t happen for 40 years.

Jan: I didn’t think about it that way. No sense crying about it now, I’ll be happy while I still can. And maybe, just maybe, I won’t grow up to look like her. (She takes the picture from Marcia and looks at it again. She starts to cry) I will, I know I will.

(The next scene has Jan talking to Alice, who’s ironing in the kitchen, with Bobby in tow.)

Alice: Missionary? Why?

Jan: Well, this certain woman has nothing to look forward to in life. And she wants to dedicate herself to good causes.

Bobby: I saw a movie once about missionaries. There was this girl, she got bitten by a tsetse fly, and she got a terrible disease. And while she was lying in this crummy tent, the natives started beating on their drums. And the next thing you know, she was kidnapped by camels, and they put her in this big pot.

Jan: Oh, you’re making it up.

Bobby: I am not, it’s a true story. I saw it on the late show.

Jan (to Alice): Or this woman can join the Peace Corps, or the navy, or work for a photographer, in a dark room.

Alice: Well that’s out of left field, work in a darkroom.

Jan: Sure. In a darkroom, it doesn’t matter what a girl looks like.

(Next, Carol comes into Mike’s den with a letter from Aunt jenny.)

Carol: Mike, I got great news.

Mike: Me too, sweetheart. If I fixed this gramophone properly, you’re about to hear Al Jolson singing in.

Carol: Terrific.

Mike: Yeah, what’s your news, honey?

Carol: Aunt Jenny is coming to visit us tomorrow.

Mike: Great. I look forward to meeting her. Do we have to pick her up at the airport?

Carol: No. She just said in her telegram that she’s arriving tomorrow.

(Mike puts a record in the gramophone, which plays, but then stops.)

Mike: Well, I thought I had that turntable fixed.

(Mike tries it again and Jan comes in.)

Jan: Did you want me, Mom?

Carol: Oh, honey, I got great news. Aunt Jenny’s coming to visit us tomorrow.

Jan (unhappy): Aunt jenny?

Carol: Yes, you’re finally gonna see your lookalike face-to-face. Isn’t that wonderful news?

Jan: What’s so wonderful about it?

(Jan walks out of the den as the scene fades away.)

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(The next scene has Carol and Mike discussing the matter up in Jan’s room.)

Jan: We may as well face it. There’s no hope for me. The picture proves it.

Carol: Now, Jan, maybe you don’t think Aunt Jenny’s attractive, but that’s just your opinion.

Mike: Maybe it’s just a bad picture.

Jan: That’s what I’m gonna look like. Daddy told me himself. All about heredity and jeans.

Mike: So that’s what that was all about.

Jan: And you told me when you were born your genes already figured out what you’re gonna look like when you grow up.

Mike: Jan, what a person looks like is influenced by a lot of things, not just genes. It’s environment, diet, emotions.

Carol: There’s no guarantee that you’re gonna look like Aunt jenny or anyone else.

Jan: But can you give me a positive guarantee that I won’t end up looking like Aunt jenny?

(The next day, Aunt Jenny arrives in a limousine, and is also escorted by a police officer on a motorcycle. This is witnessed by Mike, Carol and Alice.)

Alice: I think we’re being raided.

(They come outside and realize it’s Aunt Jenny.)

Aunt Jenny: Thanks for the escort, sonny. you know where to send my tickets to the policeman’s ball. (to the chauffeur) Stan, check the tarbons on the prisms. You got a bad knot there.

(Carol runs up to Aunt jenny with open arms.)

Carol: Oh, Aunt jenny!

Aunt Jenny: Carol! (They give each other a big hug) Honey, you haven’t changed at all from the pretty little girl I remember! Except that you’re prettier, and in more place.

Carol: Oh, Aunt jenny, it’s so good to see you. Well, Aunt Jenny, this is Alice.

Alice: Hello.

Aunt Jenny: Hi, Alice.

Carol: And this is my husband Mike.

Mike (extending his hand): How do you do, Aunt Jenny?

Aunt Jenny: What kind of a how do you do is that? This is a how do you do. (She gives him a big hug) Oh, mercy. Jan wrote me that she has 5 brothers and sisters. How long have you two been married anyway?

Mike: 3 years.

Aunt Jenny: Heavy, headstrong kids.

(They go inside and Carol introduces the kids to Aunt Jenny.)

Carol: And last but not least Aunt Jenny, this is Bobby.

Aunt jenny: Aw, how are you, Bobby.

Bobby: Hi, Aunt Jenny.

(She gives him a hug.)

Aunt Jenny: My goodness, aren’t you beautiful. Well that just leaves my lookalike. Where’s Jan?

Carol: Oh, well, she’s up in her room. I’ll go find her.

Aunt Jenny: Okay. (Carol goes to get Jan) Gather round I got some presents for you.

Marcia: That wasn’t necessary, Aunt Jenny.

Bobby: But it’s nice.

Aunt Jenny: I’m with you. Don’t look a gift aunt in the mouth. I’m gonna be inYstad for this Christmas so better early than never.

(The kids laugh and she looks in her bag. then she looks at Bobby.)

Aunt Jenny: I figured you might be a basketball fan.

Bobby: I sure am.

Aunt Jenny: Oh, well, here we go.

(She takes a basketball from her bag, dribbles it, then tosses it to Bobby.)

Bobby (excited): Wow, it’s autographed by Wilt Chamberlain. Do you know him?

Aunt jenny: I’ve known him since he was no higher than that.

(She makes a gesture as to how short he was, and how much he has grown.)

Aunt Jenny: Now, let’s see. (She goes through her bag again and looks at Peter) You dig magic, Peter?

Peter: Yeah, I love it.

Aunt Jenny: Okay, put these on. (She takes out a pair of handcuffs and he puts them on her wrists) They belonged to Harry Houdini.

Peter (excited): Really?

Aunt Jenny: Harry and I played the same vaudeville circuit. I did the tap dance and the snappy pattern routine. Okay, now, concentrate, okay, hold my hands, now, 1,2,calimuzu.

(The cuffs now are on Peter’s wrists.)

Peter: Wow! How did you do that?

Aunt Jenny: I’ll tell you later. Now. let’s see what we got here. (She looks in her bag again and looks at Marcia) This is for you, love.

(She hands a shofar to Greg, who hands it to Marcia.)

Marcia: What is it?

Aunt Jenny: It’s a shofar. You only blow it on Rosh Hashanah.

(She take sit and blows on it, then hand sit back to Marcia. She notices writing on the instrument.)

Marcia: What’s written on it?

Aunt Jenny: That’s Hebrew. That’s deshona toba, which means Happy New Year! Golda Meir gave it to me.

(Carol and Jan come down the stairs to for Jan to meet aunt Jenny.)

Carol: Here’s your lookalike, Aunt Jenny.

(Aunt Jenny gets up and greets Jan.)

Aunt Jenny: Ahhh, if that doesn’t blow a person’s mind. Hello, soul-sister.

Jan: Hello, Aunt Jenny.

(Aunt Jenny gives Jan a big hug.)

Aunt Jenny: Who says time marches on? It just rolled back 40 years for me. Oh, oh, wait a minute. I got something for you. (She takes out a drawing) Here you are, a little something Pietro knocked out for me, while I was having lunch on his pad on the Rivera one day.

Jan: What is it supposed to be?

Aunt Jenny: It’s a portrait of me. (The comment is followed by a horselaugh) And I’m afraid it looks like me.

Carol: Well that certainly is a valuable gift for a young girl, Aunt Jenny.

Aunt Jenny: Oh darling, I got dozens of these covering up my walls at home.

Jan: Oh, ah, thank you, Aunt Jenny.

(Aunt Jenny observantly sees into Jan’s indifference of the gift.)

Aunt Jenny: You’re welcome.

(Later, Carol and Mike are in the den with Aunt jenny. They are discussing Jan’s attitude toward her.)

Carol: Aunt Jenny, we’d like to explain about Jan. You see, well, she’s a little shyer than the rest of the kids. Isn’t she, Mike?

Mike: Oh yeah, that’s all it is.

Aunt Jenny: Balderdash! I got some bad vibrations in there. Now that child doesn’t dig me and I’d like to know why. (Mike and Carol hesitate to tell her) Quit beating around the bush, cause I’m an old bushwhacker.

Mike: Okay, well I guess we do owe you the truth.

Carol: Well, Aunt Jenny, it all started when Jan received your photograph in the mail.

(Aunt Jenny looks understandably shocked. We next see her and Jan up in the girls room, with Aunt Jenny showing her some clothes.)

Aunt Jenny: The groovy thing about a sari is you don’t have to wear a girdle with it. Indira Ghandi wears them all the time. (Jan smiles and hangs it up in her closet. Aunt jenny shows her something else) Now this, this is for our back country in Australia. It’s great for chasing kangaroos. (Jan gives her a weak smile, then hangs it up) Jan, why don’t we rap a little, hmm. (She hands her another dress and Jan hangs that up as well) I didn’t ask you up here just to be my lady in waiting. I, uh, I wanted you to know that I know what’s bugging you.

Jan: Oh?

Aunt Jenny: And I can’t say that I blame you.

Jan: Did my parents say something to you?

Aunt Jenny: Yes (Jan starts to feel embarrassed and ashamed) But I had to drag it out of them.

Jan: I’m so embarrassed, Aunt Jenny.

Aunt Jenny: Don’t be embarrassed, love. I agree with you. I’d rather look like Raquel Welch myself. Of course, I could’ve been beautiful if I wanted to.

Jan: You could?

Aunt Jenny: Oh, plastic surgeries does wonders, with noses, and chins. They even could put in curves where there’s nothing but straight highways.

Jan: Why didn’t you do it?

Aunt Jenny: Eh, just never had the time. Besides, there’s lots of pretty faces around, but, how often do you see a puss like this?

(She hides her face behind another article of clothing. Then she laughs and Jan laughs along with her. The next scene has Aunt jenny putting a feast on the kitchen table. Carol and Alice are in the kitchen helping her with cooking.)

Carol: Aunt Jenny, where did the words sukiyaki come from?

Aunt Jenny: Japanese farmers used to roast meat over a fire at the end of a rate. So yaki means to roast and suki means to rake.

Alice: Well, sukiyaki certainly looks better on a menu than a roasted rake. (She picks up a slice of lean meat) Say, how am I doing with these?

Aunt Jenny: Thinner, thinner, I want to be able to read a newspaper through it.

(Jan starts watching them from outside the kitchen.)

Carol: Where did you get this recipe?

Aunt Jenny: From one of Emperor Hirohito’s chefs. I ran into him at the Ginza one afternoon. I swapped him a recipe at Madame Khrushchev’s resort.

(The phone rings. Alice goes to answer.)

Alice: Hello. Yes she is, just a minute. It’s long distance for you, Aunt Jenny. it’s your secretary.

Aunt Jenny: Will you take a message, honey.

Alice: She’s tied up right now. Can I take a message? Oh, will you spell that please? Yes, I certainly will, bye. (she hangs up) Aunt Jenny, I hate to be the one to break the news, but, you now own a llama.

Aunt Jenny: Oh, that’s nice.

Carol: A llama?

Alice: Yeah, the Humane Society gave it to you in appreciation for the help you gave on your fundraising drive.

Aunt Jenny: Hey, the dessert looks groovy.

Carol: Now, Aunt Jenny. What are you gonna do with a llama?

Aunt Jenny: Oh, no problem. It can graze in the backyard with the zebra.

(The next scene has Aunt jenny giving the family a tea ceremony. They are all sitting on the living room floor. She takes a sip (slurp) of the tea.)

Aunt Jenny: I shall pass the cha nuyat, or the honorable tea. Everybody take a sip.

(She passes it to Mike, who takes a quiet sip.)

Aunt Jenny: In Japan, a sip like that would be an insult to the host. Let’s hear it, honey.(Mike takes a slurp and the kids laugh) Ah, very good. That the host will dig.

(Mike passes the cup to Carol and the phone rings.)

Mike (getting up): I’ll get it. (He gets the phone) Hello. Yes, just a minute. Aunt jenny, it’s your secretary.

Aunt Jenny: I can’t be interrupted in the middle of a tea ceremony. Will you take the message, hon.

Mike: She would  like me to take a message.

(Meanwhile, the kids are taking turns slurping the tea.)

Mike (on the phone): Yes, yea, I’ve got it. I’ll tell her. (He hangs up) Well, Aunt jenny, you’ve been invited to a birthday party on Aries’ yacht.

Aunt Jenny: Is he kidding? I’m not cancelling my Peace Corps assignment in Bolivia for any birthday party. I’ll settle for Jackie though. She’s a real trip.

(Next, Aunt jenny is teaching the family how to use chopsticks.)

Bobby: I never ate with chopsticks.

Cindy: It’s easy, watch.

(They all use them in their own way.)

Aunt Jenny: This is the easiest way, kids. (She shows them the proper way to use chopsticks) Haven’t dropped a grain of rice in 20 years.

Peter: You must travel around the world alot, Aunt Jenny.

Aunt Jenny: Ah, traveling is the spice of life. (She lets out a horselaugh) I will never forget the time I was in Bangkok. I was at this little nightclub and who was playing the saxophone but the king himself. Great jazz buff the king was. I was pretty good on the trumpet myself, until my lip went. So I sat in on a jazz session with him, I had such a time. Before I knew it, We were back in the palace and i was teaching the king how to blow charge. (Bobby makes the sound signaling to charge) CHARGE!

(The phone rings again.)

Carol: I’ll get it. (She gets up and answers) Hello. Just a minute, Aunt jenny, guess who. Shall i take a message?

Aunt Jenny: Please do.

Carol (back on the phone): Hello, yes, I’ll take a message. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yes, I certainly will tell her. Thank you, good-bye. (She hangs up) Aunt jenny, guess what, a dozen long-stemmed roses have just been delivered to your house, along with a marriage proposal.

Aunt Jenny (laughing it off): It’s that goofy Lester again.

Marcia: Who’s Lester?

Aunt Jenny: A United States senator.

Greg: A senator.

Jan: Are you gonna marry him?

Aunt jenny: Eh, I get lots of proposals.

Jan: Why don’t you accept one of them?

Aunt Jenny: Uh, I guess I’m too young to settle down yet. Say, is anybody going to eat my bean carrot cake. (The phone rings again and Aunt jenny gets up) I’m gonna stop this myself. (She answers) Hello. Yes it is. Well okay, why don’t you knock it off. Oh, I plum forgot! Yeah, don’t worry, don’t worry, I’ll make it. (She hangs up) Well kids, I’m sorry to not eat and run, but I got to catch the 11 o’clock plane to Paris. (They all get shocked to hear this) There’s an emergency at the American Embassy. It’s a bore but you know how sensitive the French are if you turn them down.

Jan: Oh, do you have to go?

Aunt Jenny: I’m afraid so, sweetie.

Jan: I wish you could stay.

Aunt Jenny (pleased): Now, that’s nice to hear. I really got to go, but I’ll be back.

Jan: Good.

(They give each other a big hug. All the rest of the kids help Aunt Jenny prepare to leave.)

Jan (to Carol and Mike): I think Aunt jenny is the most wonderful woman I ever met, and I’m gonna grow up to look just like her.

Mike: Honey, like I told you, genes are funny things, there’s a good chance you might not.

Jan: But, there’s a good chance I might.

(Carol and Mike laugh and the scene fades away.)

untitled jan and aunt jenny

(The final scene has Jan in the den with Mike and Carol. they are opening a package that was sent to them.)

Jan (excited): It’s from Aunt jenny! What do you think it is?

Carol: Well, if it’s from Aunt jenny, it can be almost anything.

(Jan finally opens the package.)

Mike: A plaster cast?

Carol: Huh, I’m surprised there’s isn’t a leg in it.

(Jan finds a note from Aunt jenny and starts to read it.)

Jan: Dear soul sister, I really goofed this time. After Paris, I tried to work off that fattening French gravy skiing in Switzerland. I just had the cast off. I had it autographed for you. My regards to the gang. Love, Jenny.

(They read all the autographs on the cast.)

Carol: My goodness. Look at this, Jean Claude Killy.

Mike: Woo, Peggy Fleming. Sir Edward Hillary.

Jan (excited): Paul Newman!

(The phone rings and Mike answers, while Jan and Carol look over the cast.)

Mike: Hello, yeah, who’s calling? Just a minute. Jan, it’s Stevie, for you.

Jan: Oh, thanks. (She takes the phone) Hello, Stevie. Saturday night. Yeah, at who’s house? I guess that would be okay. Of course, you understand I’m not ready to settle down yet. I won’t be till I’m at least 60. And even then I’m not sure. But Saturday night’s okay.

                       THE END

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S3 E16 Dough Re Mi

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Dough Re Mi

Written by Ben Starr

The kids are all set to record Greg’s new song. That is, until Peter’s voice starts to change and it cracks through the song. Hope you enjoy the script.











MR.DIMSDALE, owner of a recording studio

(The episode begins where Greg locked himself in his room. Bobby and Peter are knocking on the door.)

Peter: Come on, Greg. Open up!

Bobby; Yeah, Greg, open up!

Greg (from inside the room): Not now! I’m working on something important!

Bobby: Let’s go around the other way, through the girls’ room.

Peter (to Greg): It’s our room too!

(Bobby comes inside the girls’ room, where Marcia and Jan are hemming some new clothes.)

Marcia: You’re supposed to knock before you come in.

Bobby: Sorry, but if you want to get even, you can come in our room without knocking.

(Peter comes in.)

Marcia: Hey, what’s all the yelling about? What’s going on?

Peter: Greg won’t let us in. He says he’s working on something important.

Jan: Like what?

Bobby: How should we know? That’s why we want to get in.

Peter: Come on.

(They all go in through the bathroom.Peter knocks on the door.)

Greg (opening the door): Get lost!

(he shuts it.)

Marcia: is he kidding?

(Greg re-opens the door.)

Greg: No!

(Greg shuts the door again and Peter and Bobby continue to knock and yell open up. Greg is seen writing something down at the desk and gets an idea and gets up.)

(Meanwhile, Cindy is downstairs talking to Alice.)

Alice: And he won’t let anybody else in the room?

Cindy: No. What do you suppose he’s doing up there?

Alice: Maybe he’s sleeping.

Cindy: No, he’s yelling too much for that.

(Alice laughs and Greg comes down the stairs and across the kitchen.)

Greg: I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it!

Cindy: Alice, what’s he got?

Alice: I don’t know, but whatever it is, he sure is in a hurry to get rid of it.

(He leaves and the scene fades out.)

untitled sounds great greg

(The next scene has Carol and Alice preparing for a cookout.)

Carol: Here are the hamburgers, Alice.

Alice: Good, rolls are red hot and ready and waiting.

Carol: Well, I guess we might as well start barbecuing. Greg should be back any minute.

Greg: If he’s with in smelling distance, he’ll be back in a flash.

Carol: Did he say where he was going?

Alice: No, just I got it! I got it! Then (she whistles through her teeth top signal he just took off) like a tornado.

(The phone rings.)

Peter: I’ll get it. (He picks up) Hello. Oh, hello, Sam. Marcia? no, I’m not Marcia. No, I’m not Jan either, I’m Peter. She’s barbecuing right now. okay, I’ll tell her. Bye. (He goes outside to give Alice the message) Alice, that was Sam. he said he’d call back later.

Alice: Oh, thanks, Peter.

Peter: He thought I was a girl.

Carol: Peter, did Greg say where he was going?

Peter: No, he just said I got it, I got it…

Carol: Yeah, yeah, I know, and then he went (she tries to emulate Alice’s whistle but fails). Alice, how do you do that?

Alice: You mean (she whistles through her teeth again)?

Peter: There’s nothing to worry about, though. If he got hit by a truck, or fell into a manhole or something, the police would notify us as soon as they got him to a hospital.

Carol: Oh thanks, you really know how to put a person at ease.

(Greg returns.)

Peter: Hi, Greg.

Carol: Greg, where have you been? We were getting worried.

Greg (bitterly): Mom, I’m 16, when are you gonna stop worrying about me?

Carol: When you’re 60. What’s the matter? You look upset.

Greg: I just lost a million bucks, that’s all.

Peter: A million bucks.

Alice: Ahh, easy come, easy go.

Carol: Greg, would you please tell me what you’re talking about?

Greg: I’ve been up in my room all afternoon working on this surefire hit song.

(He shows her the song.)

Carol: Is that why you locked yourself in?

Greg: Sure. Creative artists don’t like to be disturbed. look at the title We can make the world a whole lot brighter.

Peter: That sounds great!

Greg: It’s a guaranteed gold record. But I can’t record it.

Carol: Why not?

Greg: Mr. Dimsdale, he’s the guy who owns the best recording studio in town, wants 150 bucks, in advance. That’s a lot of bread.

Alice: Bread? That’s practically cake.

Carol: How much do you have?

Greg: 43 dollars and 12 cents.

Carol: If you believe this is a surefire hit song, then, you can save up the rest.

Greg: Are you kidding? By that time I’ll be on social security.

Peter (to himself): Mr. Dimsdale. I wonder if that’s Johnny Dimsdale’s dad.

(Later on, peter goes down to the studio to see Mr. Dimsdale, who is busy recording another kid group.)

Dimsdale: Okay, kids, let’s try one.

Peter (coming in the room): Mr. Dimsdale.

Dimsdale: Cut. (to Peter) Not now, son. (Peter tries to speak again) Will you hold it until the 5 Monroes record their song.

Peter: But it’s very important.

Dimsdale: relax a minute, kids. (he turns back to Peter) Now what’s so important.

Peter: Are you Johnny Dimsdale’s father?

Dimsdale: that’s right.

Peter: Well, I’m in his class, we’re pretty good friends. I’m Peter Brady.

Dimsdale: Brady. Do you have a brother named Greg who was just down here?

Peter: Yeah.

Dimsdale: Peter, I’m afraid the answer is no. I gave him the best price in town.

Peter: But it’s a guaranteed gold record.

Dimsdale: If you want to see a guaranteed gold record, just watch the 5 Monroes.

(Meanwhile, Greg is at home coming up with ideas on how to raise the cash to Bobby, who is watching television.)

Greg: Hey, I got an idea. I’ll mow everybody’s lawn around here and I’m gonna raise that $107 for sure.

Bobby: Sounds great, Greg.

Greg: Will you stop watching that dumb cartoon, you haven’t heard a word I said.

Bobby: Sounds great, Greg.

(Peter comes in.)

Peter: Greg, I just had a swell talk with Mr. Dimsdale.

Greg: At the recording studio.

Peter: Yeah, I went over there to ask him to cut his price. I kniw his son Johnny.

Greg: Thanks, Pete.

Peter: Boy, will you be happy I went.

Greg (excited): He cut the price!

Peter: No.

Greg: Then what the heck are you so excited about?

Peter: I saw a great new group, they were recording at Mr. Dimsdale’s studio.

Greg: Congratulations.

Peter: Mr. Dimsdale gave me some good advice. He said that family groups sell millions of records.

Greg: Are you trying to make me feel worse than I already do?

Peter: Greg, if that group I saw is gonna make all that money, then we oughtta make more. There are only 5 of them, and there are 6 of us Brady kids.

(Greg starts to get excited again.)

Greg: Hey, Pete, you might have something.

Peter: Sure, and we’d make three times as much as the Carpenters, there are only 2 of them.

Greg: We can call ourselves the Brady 6, it just might work, and with us recording my great new song, Pete, that’s (Pause) that’s a terrible idea.

Peter: Huh?

Greg: Why did you get me all charged up like this, I’m still short of $107.00.

Peter: I’ll chip in all I have, so will the others.

Greg: Think so?

Peter: Sure. Bobby, wouldn’t you?

Bobby: Sounds great, Greg.

Greg: Thanks, Pete. (He takes him aside) I think we better get his money before the cartoon ends.

(They laugh and then, so does Bobby.)

(Next. they are in the girls’ room, trying to persuade Jan and Marcia to do the same.)

Greg: But don’t you wannabe rich and famous?

Marcia: Definitely.

Jan: Likewise.

Peter: Then put up your share like I’m doing.

Marcia: I’m blowing all my lunch money on some dumb dream.

Jan: Besides, I’m saving up to buy something special.

Peter: like what?

Jan: I won’t know until I buy it, I’m a girl.

Greg: Look, you’re passing up a deal of a lifetime.

Marcia: No.

Jan: No.

(Greg starts to leave in frustration, then turns around again.)

Greg: Say that again.

Marcia: Huh.

Greg: Say no.

Marcia: No.

Greg: Amazing, now let me hear you sing it.

Marcia: Sing no?

Greg  (singing): No. (He speaks again) Come on, come on, sing it. (He sings) no.

Marcia (singing): No.

Greg: Fabulous. (to Peter) Isn’t she great?

Peter: Huh? Oh yeah, great.

Greg: Now you, Jan. (singing) No. (speaking) Come on. (he sings again) No.

Jan (singing): No.

Greg: Terrific, now the two of you together. Ready? (He sings) No.

Marcia and Jan (singing): No. (He signals for them to sing again) No.

Greg: Sensational. Too bad you girls aren’t part of the group. But you have my personal promise.

Marcia: What personal promise?

Greg: That when we become rich and famous singing stars, we won’t forget you. Will we, Pete?

Peter: Sure we will. If they don’t want in, then they’re out.

Greg: I guess you’re right.

(They start to leave but the girls stop them.)

Marcia: Hey, wait a minute, count me in.

Jan: Count me in too.

(They get their money while Greg and Peter give each other the okay sign. Cindy comes in the room.)

Cindy: What are you doing?

Marcia: Oh, Cindy, go get your secret money and give it to Greg.

(Cindy takes her money out of her doll and goes to hand it to Greg, then she balks.)

Cindy: Hey, why am I giving Greg all my money?

Jan: Well, don’t worry about it, Cindy, just do it.

Cindy: No, I like my money.

Peter: Cindy, let me hear you sing something.

Cindy: I don’t feel like it.

Marcia: Okay, then you can’t join our new singing group and become famous.

Jan; And rich.

Marcia: And get your picture in the newspaper.

(Cindy starts to sing Home on the range as the others join. next, Greg is trying to get the rest of the money from Mike. He is in his den talking to him.)

Mike: You’re short $53.12.

Greg: No, Dad, we have $53.12. It’s the $96.88 we’re short, that rounds out the $150.00.

Mike: Yeah, that’s the way I would figure it.

Greg: We’ll pay you back and give you 10 percent of all the money the Brady 6 makes off the record.

Mike: No deal.

Greg: 20 percent.

Mike: Greg, I’m an architect. I don’t want to branch out into the record producing business. (Pause) But, I might advance you the rest of the money you need, provided it’s an advance eon your allowances. Let’s say, 50 cents a week out of each of your allowances until it’s paid off. (Greg does the math) Bring down the 8.

(After Greg comes up with the figures, he gets another thought.)

Greg: Dad, instead of 50 cents out of our allowances, how about 30 percent of the first million.

Mike: No. If you want that money, it comes out of your allowances.

Greg: You drive a tough bargain, Dad, but I’ll take it.

(The next scene has Greg all the kids singing in the family room, with Greg playing his guitar and with Carol conducting.)

Kids (singing): Birds flying high, in search for a clear blue sky, while they’re chopping down the trees below them.

(Now the girls sing the next verse.)

Girls: Come take a stand to help us save the land, let’s go out and try to make it better.

Kids: And maybe we can make a world a whole lot brighter, we can make the load a little lighter, everybody has to try together, don’t you know it’s now or never.

Boys: Meadows once green are few and far between, and the rivers might run brown tomorrow.

Girls: God made the land for each and every man, so we must do all we can to save it.

Kids: And maybe we can make a world a whole lot brighter, we can make the load a little lighter, everybody has to try together, don’t you know it’s now or never.

(Carol and Alice, who was watching from the kitchen, applaud.)

Alice: That was wonderful. If I didn’t know you were gonna give me a free record I’d offer to pay for one.

(Next, Greg is down at the studio paying Mr. Dimsdale for the use of the studio.)

Dimsdale (counting): %0 dollars and one penny, 50 dollars and two pennies, ha, a whole nickel at one time.

Greg: Here’s a few more dollars in change, Mr. Dimsdale, and the rest is in a check by my parents.

Dimsdale: Is that a regular check or is it in a lot of pieces.

Greg: It’s a regular check.

(He pulls it out of his pocket to give to Mr. Dimsdale.)

Dimsdale: Son, you got yourself a recording studio.

Greg (excited): Great, and you won’t book anyone else in it.

Dimsdale: It’s all yours, paid for and legal.

Greg (shaking his hand): Well, see you on Friday. And wait till you hear the Brady 6. We’re gonna be the greatest recording group you ever heard.

(Greg and the kids are at home rehearsing his song, while Alice and Carol listen form the kitchen. However, Peter’s voice starts to crack in the middle.)

Carol: Uh-oh, someone sure hit a clinker.

(They continue, thinking Peter was making a joke and they laugh. Until Greg stops the song.)

Greg: All right, Pete, quit the clowning.

Peter: Who’s clowning.

(Carol and Alice hear.)

Carol: Oh, that was worse than a clinker.

Alice: That was a clunker.

Greg: All right, let’s try it again from the top of the bridge, ready? 1,2,3.

(They resume singing but Peter’s voice cracks again.)

Greg (to Peter): What’s the problem?

Peter: I’m not doing it on purpose, honest.

Carol: Alice, how old was Greg when his voice started to change?

Alice: He was around 13, I think.

Carol: Uh oh.

Alice: Maybe you’re right. When Sam called the other day, he said Pete sounded like a girl. I bet Pete’s voice was cracking then.

(Greg and Peter come in the kitchen.)

Greg: Can we have some water and get rid of that frog?

Peter: My voice is sure doing goofy things lately.

Carol: Hey, the group was beginning to sound really good in there.

Alice: right on.

Peter (voice cracking): Thanks a lot.

Carol: Peter, I don’t know how to tell you this, but, I’m afraid your voice is changing.

Peter: My voice, changing?

Greg: Oh no, we’re supposed to record Friday. That’s only 6 days away.

Peter: How long does it take for a voice to change?

Carol: Well, it’s hard to say.

Greg: We got to record my song Friday. We gave Mr. Dimsdale 150 non-returnable dollars.

Peter: Don’t worry, Greg. By Friday, my voice is gonna be just swell.

(The scene fades.)

untitled peter's voice

(the next scene has Peter in his room, putting his head underneath a steamer with a towel over it. Greg comes in with a jar of honey.)

Greg: How are you doing, Pete?

Peter: I think I’m starting to melt.

Greg: I think it’s beginning to help. Your voice sounds like it used to.

Peter: Yeah, I think it’s back.

(Back sounded a little off.)

Greg: Have some of this honey. Here it comes. (Greg puts a spoonful of honey under the towel, attempting to get it in his mouth.)

Peter: Not in my ear.

Greg: Sorry.

Peter (taking a taste): That tastes pretty good.

Greg: Say that again. I think the honey’s working already.

Peter: I said that tastes pretty good.

(Pretty had a cracking sound.)

Greg: Stand by for more honey.

Peter: You’re sure honey is good for the voice?

Greg: Sure, you never heard a bee’s voice crack, did you.

(Peter comes out from under the towel. That evening, Mike and Carol are sleeping when they hear a strange sound.)

Carol (waking up): Mike, Mike.

Mike (groggy): What?

Carol: i heard something.

Mike: What did you hear?

Carol: I don’t know, it sounds kind of like a… (They hear the noise again) like that.

(The noise starts again.)

Mike: Anybody in the neighborhood own a pet coyote?

(They get out of bed and go down the stairs to see where the sound is coming from. They hear another sound of something that dropped and broke.)

Carol: Someone is in the house.

Mike: Yeah, i know.

(They continue down the stairs and hear that first sound again. They rush down the stairs and run into Alice, who was walking around the kitchen with a baseball bat. She also heard the noise and got up to see what it was.)

Alice: Did you hear that mountain lion out there?

Carol: Mr. Brady thinks it’s a coyote.

Alice: Whichever, I don’t like feeling like I’m a midnight snack.

(The noise starts again.)

Mike: It sounds like a prowler in pain.

Carol (frightened): It seems to be coming from the driveway.

Mike: You two stay here.

Carol: Oh, no.

Mike: Huh?

Alice: I’m going with you. With my luck, if I’m inside, whatever’s outside will be inside.

(A confused Mike grabs her bat and the trio goes outside to the driveway. They find Peter in Carol’s station wagon laying down and making those noises with his mouth. Mike opens the door and he stops.)

Peter: Oh, hi.

Mike: What are you doing in there, Peter?

Carol: Do you know it’s after midnight?

Peter: I’m trying to scream my voice back to the way it was. I came out in the car because I didn’t want to wake anybody up.

Mike: Well you woke anybody up.

Peter: I’m sorry.

Alice: Well, there’s no use in wasting all this good fright. I think I’ll go inside and turn on the late, late horror show. Can I have my roommate (bat) back, please.

(Mike hands the bat to Carol, who hands it to Alice. She takes it and heads back inside. Mike and Carol go inside the car.)

Carol: Well, you mind if we join you, Peter?

(He gets in the driver’s seat and them in the passenger seats.)

Peter: Of all the crummy times for my voice to change.

Carol: Oh, honey, it’s all part of growing up. Ha, you should’ve heard my brother when his voice changed, he sounded just like my mother.

(She laughs.)

Mike: You should’ve heard me when I was your age. (He speaks in a high, squeaky voice) Good morning mother, good morning father.

Peter: Why couldn’t my voice start changing after Friday? By then, we could have recorded Greg’s song, and everybody wouldn’t look at me that way.

Mike: Nobody looks at you in any special way.

Peter: Oh, yeah, Cindy stuck her tongue out at me twice today.

Carol: Honey, she’s only a little girl.

Peter: Yeah, but she’s got a big tongue.

Mike: There are some things you have to leave to Mother Nature, it will pass.

Peter: I hope Mother Nature has to record a song someday, and her voice starts to crack.

Mike: Maybe your voice won’t crack on Friday.

Peter: I sure hope it doesn’t, because I don’t want to let the others down.

(They all go upstairs to bed. Next, all the kids (sans Peter) are in the family room. they take a vote to see if they should let Peter record with them or not.)

Greg: Keep Peter, keep Peter, dump Peter, dump Peter, dump Peter, keep Peter. Well it’s a tie. 3 to 3.

Jan: How could it be 3 to 3 when there are 5 of us voting?

(all eyes turn to Cindy.)

Cindy: I couldn’t make up my mind, so I voted twice.

Bobby: I’m not dumb enough to do thjta.

Cindy: Yes you are.

Greg: Look, it’s only two days before Friday and we got to come up with something. So let’s take another vote….

(The other kids protest and then Carol comes in.)

Carol: Hi gang, what’s going on? (They all clam up) Sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude. I was just coming in to get my needle point.

(She picks up and starts to leave.)

Marcia: Why don’t we ask Mom.

Carol: Ask Mom what?

Greg: Mom, we just took a vote on whether or not to let Pete record with us on Friday.

Carol: Well, how did it turn out?

Marcia: It was a tie.

Carol: 2 1/2 to 2 1/2

Bobby: Cindy voted twice.

Cindy: One each way.

Carol: Well, I don’t blame you, sweetheart. It’s a tough decision.

Jan: Well, I think we should record without Peter, and give him a full share of the profits we make.

Marcia: But the whole group was Peter’s idea in the first place. And it’s not fair to leave him out.

Bobby: Pete always helps me with my arithmetic. So I think we should let him sing with us, even if he ruins everything.

Greg: What good is buying a record if nobody will buy it?

Marcia: Mom, what do you think?

Carol: Well, (Pause) I thin k I appreciate the Supreme Court more and more. Greg, couldn’t you put off the recording until Peter’s voice settles down.

Greg: No way, if we don’t use the studio Friday, we lose the money.

Carol: Well, I’m afraid it’s up to you kids.

(The kids all beg Carol for advice.)

Carol: Look, kids, listen. I could make the decision for you, but it wouldn’t be right. I would like to give you something to think about, though. You know, money and fame are very important things, but, sometimes, there are other things more important, like people.

(She walks out and the kids are left to ponder.)

Greg: Well, does everyone agree that we should call off the recording?

Marcia: Yeah.

Jan: I’m think so.

Bobby: Yeah.

Cindy: Okay.

Greg: Come on, let’s go tell Pete.

(They get up to see Peter, who comes into the family room.)

Peter: Oh, Pete, we were just coming up to see you. We have something we want to tell you.

Peter: I have something I want to tell you too. I don’t want to spoil your great song, Greg. I’m just sorry it’s time for my dumb voice to change. So I think you guys should record it without me. Good luck.

(He leaves.)

Marcia: What do we do now?

(All the kids look at Greg.)

Greg: I don’t know.

Bobby: I still say we should let Pete sing with us, and goof it all up.

Greg: Bobby, we can’t record with Peter’s voice changing all the way through the song, (Pause) or can we. (He comes up with an idea) I got it, I got it!

(He runs out of the room.)

Bobby: I bet he’s gonna lock himself in our room again.

(Greg is in his room working on another song. As Bobby predicted, he locked himself in the room. Peter and Bobby are outside knocking. He crumbles up a piece of paper and throws it away, with Peter and bobby still knocking. Greg paces with another idea but throws another piece of paper, with the garbage can being overfilled. Peter and Bobby wait outside and then Greg plays his guitar and writes something down on a sheet of paper.)

(Next, the kids are at the studio recording Greg’s new song, called Time To Change.)

Greg: 1,2

(The kids all chant sha-na-na na-na-na-na-na-na four times. Carol, Alice and Mr. Dimsdale watch.)

Greg (singing): Autumn turns to winter, and winter turns to spring, it’s not just the seasons, you know, it goes for everything.

(Peter and Bobby joined in for the last few lines. Now, Marcia takes over the next verse.)

Marcia (singing): It’s even true for voices when boys begin to grow. You gotta take a lesson from Mother Nature, and if you do, you’ll know.

Kids: Then it’s time to change, then it’s (Peter sings the next few lines, albeit off-key) Time to change. (the kids) Don’t fight the tide, go along for the ride, don’t you see, when it’s time to change, you gotta re-arrange who you are into what you’re gonna be.

(They chant the sha-na-na verse again.)

Greg: Day by day it’s hard to see the changes you’ve been through.

Kids: A little bit of living, a little bit of growing, all adds up to you.

Greg: Every boy’s a man inside.

Marcia; A girl’s a woman too. and if you want to reach your destiny, here’s what you got to do.

(They repeat the time to change chorus. Again, Peter sings the middle off-key again. They return to chanting, then repeat the chorus, then chanting again. Peter also chants off-key for one line.)

Dimsdale: Okay kids, that’s a take. (Greg shakes Peter’s hand and Mr. Dimsdale turns to Carol) The Brady 6 are a great group.

Alice: That sure makes me proud, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: You’re proud.

Alice: And to think I knew those kids when they were just starting out.

(The scene fades.)

untitled we can make the world

(The final scene has Greg and Peter come down to the kitchen.)

Alice: Hi.

Greg: Hi, Alice. Pete and I thought we’d come down for some milk. Right, Greg?

Alice: Okay, you want some cookies, too.

Greg: Wait a minute. (to Peter) You want some cookies? (Peter nods) Yeah, we’ll have cookies too.

Alice (to Peter): Oh no, can’t you talk? You got laryngitis? You got to record Greg’s song in just a couple of days. You better sit down, I better fix a gargle.

Greg: It’s okay, Alice. Pete can talk. I just had to conserve his voice.

Alice: Oh, so it won’t crack anymore.

Greg: No, so it will. Every group has its own sound, and Peter’s voice cracking is our special gimmick. Right, Pete?

Peter (in a high voice): Right, Greg.

Greg: Hear that, he’s playing our song.

untitled time to chance

                                       THE END

S3 E15 Little Big Man

untitled ladder untitled stay off the ladder

Little Big Man

Directed by Skip Webster

Bobby is sensitive about his height and becomes obsessed with getting taller. Then he realizes being small has its advantages. I hope you enjoy the script.











SAM the butcher

(The episode begins with Greg repairing a shutter on the girls’ window. Bobby starts pestering to help him. Greg gets on the ladder but stops to give a jar of screws to Bobby.)

Greg: Hold this!

(He climbs the rest of the ladder to start working on the shutter.)

Bobby: Can I bring you up some extra screws?

Greg: No, I have enough, thanks, Bobby.

Bobby: Well, I can bring you up a bigger screwdriver.

Greg: No thanks, this one’s fine.

Bobby: Well, can’t I help you hold the shutter in place.

Greg: Bobby, I know you want to help, but there’s only room for one up here.

(The phone rings and Alice calls for Greg.)

Alice: Greg, you got a phone call.

Greg: Thanks, Alice. Tell them I’ll be right there.

(He climbs down the ladder.)

Bobby: I’ll take over while you’re on the phone.

Greg: No, I’ll be right back. Besides, you’re too short to reach the shutter.

Bobby (protesting): I am not!

Greg: Bobby, stay off the ladder.

(Greg goes to take the call and Bobby puts down the jar of screws and climbs the ladder anyway. Meanwhile, Greg is inside on the phone.)

Greg: How much does he want for the surfboard? No, no, I want it, it’s just that I’ll have to raise a little extra cash, that’s all. Okay, I’ll call him right away. Yeah, i got his number up in my room. And thanks for tipping me, Eddie. Right, good-bye.

(He hangs the phone and goes upstairs. Meanwhile, Bobby climbs up to the shutters but accidentally kicks the ladder over and is stuck hanging on. The scene fades away.)

untitled saved my life untitled I told u to stay off

(The next scene has Bobby yelling for help as he struggles to hang on to the window.)

Bobby: Help me! Anybody help me!

(Cindy comes running and yells for Alice.)

Cindy: Up there!

Bobby: Help me, please!

Alice (panicking): Hang on, Bobby! Cindy, the ladder!

(They take the ladder and set it back up. Greg hears Bobby from upstairs and comes to rescue him. He pulls him from outside and into the girls’ room.)

Greg: I told you to stay off that ladder!

Bobby: I’m off!

Greg: Are you okay?

Bobby: Yeah, I’m okay.

Greg: You pee-wees, always acting bigger than you are.

Bobby: Greg, Greg, you saved my life. (Greg gloats at the suggestion) I’ll pay you back, sometime.

Greg: That’ll be the day.

(Alice comes up from the ladder.)

Alice: Better late than never. Is Bobby okay?

Greg: He’s fine.

Alice: Good. (She suddenly gets scared of the fact she’s standing on a ladder) Look, now that you saved him, how about saving me.

(Greg and Bobby go to the window to bring her in. They all wind up on the floor.)

(Next, Mike, Carol and Jan come home from buying new clothes.)

Jan: We sure got a lot of stuff.

Carol: My feet are killing me.

Mike: The bills that are killing me.

(Cindy runs down the stairs to meet them.)

Cindy: Mom, Dad, am I glad you’re home.

Carol: What is it, sweetie?

Cindy: Well, first I have to ask you a question.

Carol: What?

Cindy: Well, is it tattling if I tell you something that somebody else doesn’t want you to know?

Mike: Yes, I’m afraid it is.

Cindy: Then you’ll just have to find out for yourself.

Jan: What?

Cindy (gleefully): That Bobby nearly fell off the house!

(They look at her shockingly. Later, Carol is removing splinters Bobby got in his hand.)

Bobby: OW!

Carol: Well, that’s just what you get, Bobby. You know, you really could’ve been hurt instead of just getting a few splinters.

Mike: What were you doing up there, anyway?

Bobby: Hanging on mostly.

Carol: Well, if Greg told you not to climb the ladder, why did you?

Bobby: I wanted to show him I wasn’t too small to do it. Greg’s right, I’m a pee-wee. I’ll always be a pee-wee.

Carol: Oh, Bobby, there are a lot of boys your age that are just your size.

Bobby: That’s easy for you to say. You know who’s the smallest in my class?

Carol (meekly): You?

Bobby: No, Freddy Hofstetter. I’m second smallest. But only because he got a haircut.

(Bobby starts going into the bathroom.)

Mike: Bob, everybody grows at their own speed. Maybe next year you’ll be one of the tallest.

Bobby: No, I won’t. (He shuts the bathroom then opens it again) And being little is the worst thing in the world.

(Mike and Carol look at each other with concern. Meantime, Greg goes into the kitchen to see Alice.)

Greg: Alice, have you seen the paper?

Alice: It’s in the family room.

Greg: I’ve been looing all over for that thing. I want to look at the want ad section. I got to find a way to make some extra loot.

Alice: You’re not gonna finance another jalopy.

Greg: No, I’m after a 6 inch board that’ll let me do flyways over those gremmies.

Alice: Would you mind repeating that in English?

Greg: That means this stoped up hot diver needs extra bread so he can latch on to a heavy board and hit the lineup.

Alice (sarcastically): Thanks for the translation. (He laughs) Hey, by any chance are you talking about surfing?

Greg: Right on.

(He goes into the family room and passes by Sam, who’s come to make a delivery.)

Greg: Hi, Sam.

Sam: Hi, Greg. (He comes in the kitchen) Hi, Alice. Here’s your meat order.

Alice: Thanks, Sam. Well, I can see the boss himself is making deliveries.

Sam: Alice, it’s because I’m crazy about you, and I like to look at you, and besides, my delivery boy quit.

Alice: Thanks, again.

Sam: 16 years old, and the kid wants fringe benefits.

(Alice puts the meat in the refrigerator/freezer.)

Alice: Well, fringe benefits are the in thing.

Sam: Yeah, but free philly mignons every day. No, sir, I got to try to find a new boy this week.

(Alice comes up with an idea.)

Alice: Sam, what if I were to find you an instant delivery boy?

Sam: I’d hug you.

Alice: An outstanding delivery boy?

Sam: I’d kiss you.

Alice: The greatest delivery boy in the whole world.

Sam: I’d hire him on the spot.

Alice (to herself): Alice, why don’t you quit while you’re ahead? (to Sam) Stay right where you are? (She goes into the family room) Greg.

Greg: Yeah. (she pushes him towards Sam) What do you want?

Alice: It’s what Sam wants, anew delivery boy.

Greg: Really, you do?

Sam: After school and all day Saturday, $1.50 an hour.

Greg: Wow, that’s great.

Sam: What about fringe benefits?

Greg: Fringe benefits, who cares about fringe benefits?

Sam: You’re hired. See you tomorrow at 4 sharp with your bike.

Greg; Out of sight. Thanks, Sam. You too, Alice. I’m gonna go over to Phil’s and take a look at that new surfboard.

Sam: Hey, uh, thanks, Alice. You really did me a favor.

(Bobby comes in the kitchen to wash hs hands.)

Bobby: Hi, Sam.

Sam: What do you say shrimpo?

Bobby: Shrimpo?

(He runs upstairs to his room.)

Sam: What did I say?

Alice: Bobby’s been going through a thing about being short. That shrimpo kinda hit him.

Sam: Oh, boy, have I got a big mouth. Is it okay if I go say I’m sorry?

Alice: Yes, Sam.

(Bobby goes to his room and gets on his bed. He pulls a handkerchief from his back pocket to wipe tears from his eyes. Sam comes in to talk to him. He grabs a chair and goes over to Bobby, who’s facing the wall.)

Sam: Bobby, look, I’m sorry about the shrimpo remark, pal. (Bobby doesn’t answer) Don’t you think I know how you feel? I had the same hang-up when I was a kid, only worse.

(Bobby turns over to face him.)

Bobby: You did?

Sam: Yeah, I weighed only 4 pounds when I was born. My old man wanted to send me back. (Bobby puts on a weak smile) I even flunked out of kindergarten, you know why?

Bobby: Why?

Sam: I was such a pee-wee, the teacher kept marking me absent. (Bobby sits up on the bed) And then it happened, in one year, I grew six inches.

Bobby: Six inches in one year? (Sam nods) Wow. If I can do that until I’m 21…

Sam: Well, let’s see. You’d dress out at about 10 feet 2 inches tall.

Bobby: Wow, I’ll make the basketball team.

Sam: Pal, you’ll be the basketball team.

(He pats Bobby’s head. We next see Bobby in the backyard stretching himself because he believes it will help him grow. Peter goes over to him.)

Peter: What are you doing?

Bobby: Stretching myself.

Peter: Stretching yourself?

Bobby: Yeah, I bet I’m getting longer by the minute.

Peter: If it doesn’t work, don’t feel bad. You can always be a jockey.

(Peter laughs and walks away. Bobby sticks his tongue out at him.)

(The next scene has Greg down at the butcher shop with Sam.)

Sam: Well, how do you like the meat business after one day?

Greg: I’m bushed. (He pulls a tray of meat to put in the meat locker) I wish there more vegetarians. I bet I pumped 40 miles on my bike today.

Sam: Just keep thinking about that new surfboard.

Greg: Not new, used. But I’m gonna fix it up.

Sam: I should be doing some fixing up myself. New counters, modernize that meat locker. I got big dreams, trouble is they’re bigger than my locker.

Greg: Speaking of money, Sam, when’s pay day?

Sam: Saturday.

Greg: I can make my first payment on my surfboard.

(Sam hands him another tray of meat to put away. Back home, Bobby is stretching himself some more. Carol watches him as Mike comes to join her.)

Mike: What are you looking at?

Carol: Bobby. You think it’s good for him to stretch himself like that?

Mike: Well, it never hurt Tarzan.

Carol: Think of what it did to Jane.

Mike: Well, honey, he’s not gonna hurt himself.

Carol: He’s at it all the time.

Mike: So.

Carol: Well, if his arms and his legs don’t, he may grow up to look like Cheetah.

(Next, Bobby goes upstairs to measuring himself. He put a mark on the bathroom door. He gets disappointed that he hasn’t grown yet.)

Bobby: Nothing, still the same size.

(Marcia opens the bathroom door.)

Marcia: Bobby, you gotta give yourself a little time.

Bobby: I guess I better stretch some more.

(He goes outside to continue stretching. The girls all look at him with pity.)

Marcia: Poor Bobby, he keeps measuring himself all the time.

Cindy: And he gets grumpier and grumpier.

Jan: No wonder, he’s trying so hard to get tall.

Marcia: If he would just grow a little, even half an inch would encourage him.

(Bobby goes upstairs to measure himself again. He finds he grew a little bit and gets excited. He goes downstairs to stretch some more and finds he grew even more. He stretches and measures himself once again and finds he grew even more.)

Bobby: Oh, wow. (He runs downstairs) it worked! Stretching myself really worked! I grew an inch and a half!

Mike: How much?

Bobby: A whole inch and a half.

Carol (laughing): Honey, maybe you grow, but I don’t think an inch and a half.

Mike (laughing0: Not since yesterday.

Bobby: But I measured myself three times. It’s half an inch plus one whole inch.

Cindy: No, it’s only half an inch.

Bobby: How do you know it’s only half an inch?

Cindy: Well.

Mike: Yeah, how do you know, Cindy?

Cindy: I made the mark half an inch lower so that Bobby would think he grew.

Mike (sternly): Cindy.

Cindy: I’m sorry.

Bobby: Well, that’s okay. I still grew an inch.

Jan: No, only half an inch.

Carol: You did the same thing too?

(Jan nods yes.)

Bobby: Well, a half inch isn’t bad.

Marcia (sheepishly): Bobby.

(He realizes he hadn’t grown at all.)

Carol: Oh, no.

Marcia: I guess we should have checked with each other.

Bobby (upset): it’s the dirtiest trick I ever heard of.

(He runs back up the stairs.)

Mike: Bobby. (He stops) They weren’t trying to trick you. I don’t hink what they did was right.

Carol: They were only trying to help.

Bobby (almost in tears): They did it because they know it’s true!

Carol: Know what’s true?

Bobby: I’m a shrimpo, a pee-wee. I’ll never grow another inch as long as I’ll live.

(Bobby runs up to his room as the scene fades.)

untitled bobby and greg

(The next scene has Alice leaving to go to the supermarket.)

Alice: Anything you want form the market, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: Oh, did I leave something off the list?

Alice: No, I just thought I’d do something a little special for Bobby. Sometimes you can help a sad little heart with a happy little tummy.

Carol: Aw, that’s very sweet of you, Alice. What are you going to fix him?

Alice: His favorite dessert. Strawberry tallcake.

Carol: Strawberry tallcake?

Alice: Mrs. Brady, from now on, I’m not using the word anymore.

(She leaves and Bobby runs inside.)

Carol: Hi, Bobby. Hey, wait a minute, your clothes. (He turns around and she notices he has a black eye) Bobby, your eye, what in the world happened?

Bobby: I got in a fight with Tommy Huxley.

Carol (annoyed): Tommy Huxley? He’s twice as big as you. Why doesn’t he pick on somebody his own size.

Bobby: Well (Pause) I picked on him.

Carol: You started the fight? Why?

Bobby: He was acting like a big shot.

Carol: Oh, and you weren’t by any chance feeling like a little shot, were you?

Bobby: I am a little shot, that’s all I’ll ever be.

Carol: Bobby, listen, you’ve heard about Napoleon Bonaparte, haven’t you?

Bobby: yeah, he’s that funny guy who always walks around with his hand on his stomach.

(He tries to emulate Bonaparte.)

Carol: He was also a little guy. And he went around trying to prove how big he was by fighting everybody.

Bobby: Did he win?

Carol: Nope. just like you, he got clobbered. So I really don’t think fighting is the answer, do you, Bob?

Bobby: Not if you lose.

Carol: Some of the greatest men in the world were small men who didn’t fight.

Bobby: What did they do?

Carol: They used their brains, not their muscles. (She puts her finger on his head) Brain power. (She gets up) I’ll get some more water.

Bobby (to himself): Brain power, huh.

(The next scene has Bobby coming home on his bike from the library, where he got a bunch of books to give him brain power. peter is playing basketball and notices him.)

Peter: Want to shoot some baskets?

Bobby: I can’t.

Peter: What are all those big books for?

Bobby: To read.

Peter: I know that, dumbhead, where did you get them?

Bobby: At the library. I’m on my way to brain power.

(He points to his head.)

Peter: Brain power? What do you mean?

Bobby: If you had any, you’d know.

(Later on, Bobby is reading some of his books in the family room, while Marcia and Jan are sitting on the couch cutting things out of newspapers.)

Bobby (turning around): Jan, Marcia, you both like to watch TV?

Marcia: Mmm Hmm.

Bobby: Bet you don’t even know how it works.

Jan: Bobby.

Bobby: Television is an electronic system of transmitted images overwire by converting light and sound into electrical waves.

Marcia (sarcastically): You really took a load off my mind.

(Bobby turns some pages in the book, them turns around at her with a hurt look. Next, Greg is showing Mike his new surfboard as he waxes it.)

Greg: Well, Dad, how do you like it?

Mike: Well, I don’t know much about surfboards but it looks great.

(Bobby runs up to them with another trivial question.)

Bobby: I bet you don’t know what the fourth longest river in the world is.

Mike: No, what is the fourth longest river in the world?

Bobby: The Ob in Siberia. It’s 3,200 miles long.

Mike: Well, that’s very interesting.

Greg: Like I was saying, Dad, there’s nothing like surfing in the whole world. First, you take off on a big, thick swell and, once you get it, you crank on a bottom turn and you get out on the nose.

Mike (laughing) That sounds exciting.

Bobby: Hey, Greg, I bet you don’t know…

Greg (looking at his watch): Wow, I’m gonna be late for work. I got to get down to Sam’s quick. I’ll clean that up when I get back.

(He starts to take off.)

Mike: Gosh, I got to go too. Bye, Bob.

(Mike takes off as well. Bobby I left there looking depressed. He goes into the kitchen where Alice is cooking.)

Alice: Hey, I thought you’ve gone with your Mom and the rest of the kids to get new shoes.

Bobby: I don’t need new shoes. Not even my feet are growing bigger.

Alice: Hey, Bobby, do you have any more of those terrific brain power questions.

Bobby (bitterly): No.

Alice: Well, you sure had some real hard ones.

Bobby: Big deal. Knowing a lot is great, but it sure isn’t very fun.

Alice: You know, Bobby, it could be that you’re working too hard on one thing.

Bobby: What do you mean?

Alice: Well, you need a balance. It’s like a recipe. You gotta have the right amount of each ingredient for it to come out right.

Bobby: And I’ve been putting in too much brain power?

Alice: Exactly. (She picks up her recipe to read it) and speaking of recipes, there’s something wrong with my brain power. I forgot to get sausage for my special meat loaf tonight. I’d better call Greg to bring home 2 pounds of sausage.

Bobby: I can do it for you, Alice.

Alice: No thanks, honey, it’s easier for Greg to do it.

Bobby (upset): You probably think I’m too little to go down there by myself.

(Alice dials the phone but stops and hangs up.)

Alice: On second thought, since I’m going out tonight, the sooner I get my sausage, the sooner I’ll get my Sam. Okay, go Bobby.

Bobby: Great. I’ll get back real fast.

(He races to go down to the butcher shop, where Sam is giving Greg deliveries.)

Sam: And porterhouse and the veal go to Mrs. Stevens, at 231 Elm. Got that?

Greg: Got it. Anything else?

Sam: Yeah, don’t get lost. I’m closing the shop at 6:00 sharp tonight. I’m taking Alice to the destruction derby. Last time we almost got destroyed trying to find seats.

Greg: Sam, if you want to get an early start, I can close up.

Sam: Switch? Hey, that’s a good idea. I can make your deliveries on the way home. Real smart, and you close up. You think you can handle it?

Greg: Easy. I take any phone orders that come in. I put the meat in the locker so I can clean the counter. Turn the lights out, and lock the door at 6.

(Sam laughs.)

Sam: And, remember what I told you about that meat locker.

Greg: Right. And thanks again for the advance, Sam. Someday I’ll let you ride my surfboard.

Sam: No thanks, I get seasick taking a bath.

(Next, Bobby is down at the butcher shop, just as Greg is closing up.)

Greg: Hi, Bobby. What are you doing here?

Bobby: Alice needs two pounds of sausage.

Greg: Okay, I put all the meat away, I’ll have to get it out of the locker.

(Greg goes in the locker to get the sausage. Bobby follows him in and shuts the door. Greg gets angry.)

Greg: What did you do that for?

Bobby: Do what?

Greg: Close the door. It doesn’t have a two way lock.

Bobby: I didn’t want to let the cold out.

Greg (upset): Bobby, Sam’s got a rule this door’s supposed to be open when anybody’s in here.

Bobby: You mean we’re locked in. (They try forcing the door open) Push. It’s no use, we can’t get out.

(Next, Greg tries to find a way to get them out.)

Bobby: It’s freezing.

Greg: Look, it’s not freezing. it’s not that cold in here. If you want to keep warm, exercise.

(Bobby starts to do jumping jacks.)

Bobby: It must be 10 below in here.

Greg: It’s 10 below in your head. Bobby, I said exercise, not jump around like you had ants in your pants.

Bobby: The air.

Greg: What air?

Bobby: We’ll be breathing it all up pretty soon. We’ll suffocate, I can feel it already.

Greg: Quit pretending like this is a submarine movie. Just sit down and relax. (He finds an ax) Look! Maybe we can open the door with this. (They run over to the door) Stand back, stand back.

(He strikes the doorknob with the ax, but breaks it.)

Bobby: Great.

Greg: Don’t worry, I’ve got another idea.

Bobby: What are you gonna do?

Greg: Just watch. (He tries to use the ax to open the door form the inside) Help me. Come on, push.

(They try to open the door but the ax breaks and the top is stuck in the door. Next, he takes the bottom of the ax to break the glass on the door window.)

Greg: Stand back, Bobby, this is our last chance. (Greg successfully breaks the glass and leaves the window open Bring over those boxes.

(Bobby takes some boxes in the corner for Greg to stand up to get loose.  Greg puts his smock under the glassless window, and attempts to climb through.)

Greg: If I could just crawl through and open the door. (He tries to get through but there’s not enough room) It’s no use, I’m too big. It’s up to you to save us, Bobby.

Bobby: I sure hope I’m small enough. Gee, I never thought I’d ever wish I was little.

(Bobby climbs up to get through the window while Greg holds on to his feet.)

Greg: Easy does it. I got your feet. Be careful. Go on.

(Bobby slides through and makes it to the outside.)

Bobby: I made it.

Greg: Okay, open the door. (Bobby tries opening the door but can’t) Come on, Bobby.

Bobby: You broke it when you hit it with the ax.

Greg: Call Sam, quick. He’s over at our house picking up Alice.

(Bobby rushes over to the payphone but realizes he doesn’t have the money to make the call.)

Bobby: I don’t have a dime.

Greg; Wait a minute.

(He takes a dime from his pocket and throws it to Bobby.)

Bobby: Boy, that’s an awfully cold dime.

Greg: You think the dime is cold,  how do you think I feel.

(Bobby calls the house.)

Bobby: Hey Greg, you oughtta keep your head sticking out, it’s nice and warm out here.

(Greg frowns at the suggestion. We next have Mike, Sam, Carol and Alice down there.)

Mike: We’ll have you out in a second son.

Greg: I’m okay. Sam, your meat locker works great.

Carol: Oh, Greg, how do you feel?

Greg: Fine.

(Mike and Sam open the door with a crowbar and free Greg.)

Carol: Oh, thank goodness. You okay?

Mike: Oh, I think he’s all right, honey.

Carol: We better get you home into a hot tub.

Alice: I had to go and forget sausage.

Sam: That settles it. No matter how much it costs. I’m modernizing that meat locker.

Greg: It was our own fault, Sam.  (He turns to Bobby) Thanks, Bobby, you saved my life.

(He puts his arm around him.)

Bobby: Remember, you saved mine. Now we’re even. (to the parents) Boy, am I glad i’m little.

Greg: So am I, pal. So am I.

(The scene fades.)

untitled hang on bobby

(The final scene has Bobby and Greg playing with Greg’s new surfboard. Bobby is on top of it.)

Greg: Okay, Bobby, now you got your big, thick swell.

Bobby: Right.

Greg: Okay, crank on the bottom turn, get out on the front of the board. Yeah, yeah, that’s good.

Bobby: Now, what do I do?

Greg: You’re locked in. There’s this huge wall of water hanging right over your head. Look out, Bobby, it’s a wipeout. Here comes a wave.

(Peter comes with a large bucket of water and pours it on Greg as Bobby ducks. Peter laughs as an angry Greg takes the bucket and puts it over his head. Greg and Bobby laugh until Peter puts it over Bobby’s turn and he laughs.)

                                                                   THE END

S3 E14 The Teeter-Totter Caper

untitled fixing the radio images painting the chair

The Teeter-Totter Caper

Written by Joel Kane and Jack Lloyd

Bobby and Cindy set a teeter-totter record to prove that kids their age are as important as people older. I hope you enjoy the script.












(The episode begins with Carol and Alice in the kitchen. Carol is happy about a relative’s upcoming wedding.)

Carol: Isn’t it marvelous, Alice. My cousin Gertrude is finally getting married.

Alice: For her, it’s marvelous. For me, it would be miraculous.

(Mike comes in.)

Mike: Hi, everybody.

Carol: Hi, honey. (She and Mike kiss.) Well, Gertrude is gonna get married.

Mike (surprised): Gertrude, your cousin Gertrude?

Carol: The one and only.

Mike: Get the chair, I may faint.

Carol: Oh, Mike. The invitations are a week from Sunday night.

Mike: Hmm.

(Bobby and Cindy come in.)

Cindy: Gee, a wedding. Do I get all dressed up?

Bobby: Do I have to wear a dumb old tie?

Carol: I’m sorry, kids, but the invitation is just for the grown-ups.

Cindy: Not us kids?

Carol: Well, Marcia and Greg are going, but they’re older. And, uh, Jan and Peter are going too.

Bobby: What about us?

Mike (reading the invitation): Well, there’s a wedding reception afterwards and I think Gertrude thinks you’re too young to stay up that late.

Carol: Besides, weddings aren’t all that interesting.

Mike: You’ll have a much better time at home.

Alice: Sure, the three of us will watch TV, play games and have lots of fun.

Bobby (weakly): Yeah, lotta fun.

(He and Cindy go outside. Next, Greg and Peter are upstairs fixing Marcia’s radio.)

Peter: You think you can fix it?

Greg: Easy.

Bobby (coming in the door): What are you doing?

Peter: We’re fixing Marcia’s radio.

Bobby: Can I hep?

Greg: This is kind of tricky.

Peter: Yeah, it’s too technical for little kids.

Bobby: I can hand you tools and things.

Greg: Maybe some other time, Bobby.

(Bobby walks away in a hurt mood. Meanwhile, Marcia and Jan are painting a chair and refuse to allow Cindy to help.)

Marcia: No, Cindy, It’s too hard for you.

Cindy; Why can’t I help? The chair goes in my room too.

Jan: Look, Cindy, this isn’t a game. If you mess up the paint, we’ll have to do it all over again.

(Cindy walks out just as hurt. She goes in the backyard and sits on a swing. Bobby comes outside and sits on the teeter-totter. Cindy joins him.)

Bobby: Greg and Peter won’t even let me help fix a dumb old radio, it’s too tricky.

Cindy: I can’t even help paint a chair.

Bobby: We’re not even important enough to go to a wedding.

Cindy: Why can’t us little kids think we’re important, too.

Bobby: Hey, that gives me an idea, Cindy.

Cindy: What?

Bobby: We can do something important, that’ll show them.

Cindy: Like what?

Bobby: Like (Pause) I don’t know, but I’ll think of something.

Cindy: Yeah!

Bobby: Something really, really important.

(The scene fades.)

untitled discussion

(The next scene has them on the swing set discussing options.)

Bobby: Boy, I know something that could  make us really important.

Cindy: What?

Bobby: But we can’t do it.

Cindy: Maybe we could. tell me.

Bobby: Well, wouldn’t it be great if we could stow away on a spaceship?

Cindy; A spaceship, wow!

Bobby: We’d be the first little kids on the moon.

Cindy: But even if we could, Mom and Dad wouldn’t let us.

Bobby: Yeah. they probably wouldn’t let us climb the Alps, either.

Cindy: Well, let’s think of something else.

Bobby: I’m tired of thinking. And it’s almost time for Cartoon King on television.

(They get up and go inside. They turn the television on.)

Bobby: I thought of something else important we can do.

Cindy: What?

Bobby: Well, wouldn’t it be great if we could go to New York and climb to the top of the Empire State Building?

Cindy: I bet lots of people climb to the top of the Empire State Building.

Bobby: Not on the outside.

(Marcia and Jan ask Alice for help with their dresses to wear to the wedding.)

Marcia: Alice, could you please raise the hem an inch? I want to wear it to the wedding.

Alice: Hmm, okay, sure.

Jan: Isn’t it romantic? Cousin Gertrude’s getting married after all these years. I wonder if I’ll ever get married.

Alice (sarcastically): Well I’d certainly start worrying about that if I were you. I mean, here you are, almost 13 and over the hill.

(Back to the family room, Bobby and Cindy are watching television.)

Cindy (to Bobby): Cartoon King comes on next.

(The announcer states that two college kids broke the teeter-totter record at 124 hours without stopping. This gives Bobby an idea.)

Bobby: Did you hear that?

Cindy: What if we set a new record.

Bobby: Yeah, we’ll start tomorrow morning.

(The next day, Alice is in the kitchen collecting clothes for laundry and Carol comes by.)

Carol: Well, I’ll see you later, Alice.

Alice: You’re off and running pretty early on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Yeah, I got to get downtown and get Gertrude a wedding present. I sure hope I can get her something different. You know what I mean, Alice?

Alice: Yeah, everyone always gives you the obvious things, like toasters.

Carol (laughing): Yeah, I know what you mean. Mr. Brady and I got 9 of them. We didn’t know whether we were getting married or opening a restaurant.

(Bobby and Cindy rush by them to go outside.)

Alice: Somebody sure is in a hurry this morning.

Cindy: We got to get started early.

Bobby: We’re gonna set a new teeter-totter record. Okay Mom?

Carol: Sure kids, have fun Bye.

(They run outside.)

Carol: Well, I better get going. I hope I can find something, Alice. You know, she isn’t the easiest person in the world to buy for.

Alice: Well, she already has the best gift for a wedding, a man.

Carol: Well, I’ll see you later.

(Mike is getting into his car to go for work as the Bobby and Cindy are about to set their record.)

Cindy: Hi, Dad.

Bobby: Hi.

Mike: Hi, kids.

Bobby: Guess what we’re gonna do.

Mike: When I get home, Bob. I’m late for an appointment.

Bobby: We’re gonna set a new teeter-totter record.

Mike: Oh.

Cindy: Mom said we could.

Mike: Well, good for you. Have fun, kids.

Bobby and Cindy: Bye.

Mike: Bye.

(He drives off.)

Bobby (to Cindy): It will take a long time to set the record. Are your muscles in good shape?

Cindy: I guess so, are yours?

Bobby: Sure. Feel this.

(Cindy feels his arm.)

Cindy: I don’t feel anything.

Bobby: Maybe it’s in the other arm.

(They start to get ready and Alice comes outside.)

Bobby: Hey, Alice, you got a watch?

Alice: Yeah.

Bobby: Tell us exactly what time it is when we start.

Alice: Start?

Cindy: For the new teeter totter record.

Bobby: It has to be official.

Alice: Ah hah, okay, official, right. (She looks at her watch) Al right, let’s see, it’s 3 minutes after 8 and go.

(They start going up and down on the teeter totter while Alice hangs up some wash.)

Bobby; Hey, Alice, what time is it now?

Alice: It’s 3 minutes and 20 seconds after 8.

Cindy; Gee, that’s 20 seconds already.

Bobby: Yeah, we only have to do this about a million more times.

(Meanwhile, Marcia and Jan are up in their room trying on their dresses for the wedding.)

Marcia: Jan, could you zip me up?

Jan: Sure. (She zips the back of Marcia’s dress) Do you think my dress is short enough now?

Jan: Sure, it looks fine.

Marcia: Are you sure?

Jan: Yeah.

(They look at themselves in the mirror, but find it’s not big enough for both of them. They keep trying to get in front of each other.)

Marcia: I’m trying to look at myself.

Jan: Well so am I.

(They laugh and there’s a knock on the door.)

Jan: Come in.

(Greg an Peter come in.)

Greg: Here’s your radio.

Peter: We did it.

Marcia: Thanks. What was wrong with it?

Greg: Your variable tuner was out of whack.

Jan (impressed): And you fixed it?

Peter: Nothing to it.

Greg: Nothing to it for him. I fixed it.

Marcia: Thanks, Greg.

Greg: That’s okay. (He notices their attire) What are you girls all dressed up for?

Jan: It’s for the wedding.

Greg: It’s next week.

Marcia: Why wait till the last minute.

Peter: Hey, if they’re gonna wear junk like that, we’re gonna have to get all dressed up, too.

Marcia: Why, sure. It’s a wedding, It’s the most romantic thing that can happen in a girl’s life.

Greg: What about the poor guy?

(He and Peter laugh.)

Jan: Don’t you wanna get married?

Greg (still laughing): Sure, when I got nothing else to live for.

Jan: I mean don’t you want a home and children?

Peter: We already got a home, and a whole bunch of children.

(They walk out of the room still laughing. Marcia and Jan look at each other in disgust.)

(The next scene has Carol coming home while Alice fixes lunch for Bobby and Cindy.)

Carol: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Well, I guess I got the perfect gift for Gertrude. Something I’m sure no one else would ever think of.

Alice: Oh, what’s that?

Carol: A silver frog.

Alice: Oh, a silver frog. Well, there’s a million to one shot she won’t even get a green one.

Carol (laughing): Oh, Alice. A frog for flowers. (She takes it out of the box and opens it) See, this part (the top) is the frog, and this (the bottom) you can use for nuts, candy or anything.

Alice: That’s pretty neat.

Carol: Flowers, isn’t it great? Hey, is someone going on a picnic?

Alice: Oh, no, this is a little something for Mr. Teeter and Ms. Totter.

Carol: Mr. Teeter and Ms. Totter?

Alice (looking toward the door): They’re out to set a world record, remember?

Carol: Don’t tell me they’re still on that thing.

Alice: Since three minutes after 8.

Carol: I didn’t think they were serious.

Alice: Ooh, they couldn’t be seriouser.

(Bobby and Cindy are outside still on the teeter-totter.)

Bobby: Are you getting tired, Cindy?

Cindy: No, not much. Are you getting tired?

Bobby: No, we’re getting closer to that million times.

(Alice and Carol come out with the food.)

Carol: Okay, kids, lunch break.

Bobby: We can’t stop, Mom.

Carol: Well, you have to have a sandwich.

Cindy: We’re on the record, we got to keep going.

Bobby: You said we could set a record.

Cindy: That’s what she said this morning.

Carol (to Alice): I really said that, huh?

Alice: Before you went out to buy the frog.

(They bring the sandwiches and two glasses of milk over to the kids.)

Carol: Well, you have to eat something anyway.

Alice: I bet they could do both.

Carol: But you have to promise me one thing, kds. That you’ll both stop when you get tired, okay.

Cindy: Okay, Mom.

Bobby: We promise. We’re really gonna break the old record.

Carol: Good luck, kids.

(They go back toward the house.)

Carol: By the way, Alice, what is the old teeter-totter record anyway?

Alice: 124 hours.

Carol (astonished): 124 hours?

(She nods her encouragement to the kids nevertheless. They continue with the record as the scene fades.)

untitled teeter totter

(The next scene has Alice in the kitchen making out a grocery list. She turns on the radio and an Italian chef comes on with a new recipe on how to make spaghetti and meatballs.)

Alice: Great, I’ll have that for dinner.

(She starts to get everything ready and take out all the ingredients, while repeating what the chef says.)

Cindy (calling): Alice, Alice, can you come out here?

Alice: Uh, i’m busy, Cindy.

Cindy: My record is in danger.

Alice: Okay, honey, I’m coming.

(She turns the radio off and goes outside. Mike comes home and Alice is Cindy’s spot while she went to relieve herself.)

Alice: You know, Bobby, i don’t think we’re quite even. I think I have a little more balance on my side.

Bobby: What’s balance?

Alice: It’s a fancy word I use, because I don’t like to cal it flab.

(Mike gets out of the car and heads inside the house.)

Bobby: Hi, Dad.

Alice: Hi, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Hi.

(He notices Alice sitting in Cindy’s place.)

Bobby: Alice is helping us with our teeter-totter record.

Alice: In the teeter-totter game, I am what is known as a sit-in.

Mike: Sit-in?

Cindy (returning): Hi, Dad, thanks, Alice.

Alice: Yeah, you see, I officially sit in for all the contestants for whenever they have to do whatever it is they have to do.

Cindy: She means when we have to go to the bathroom.

Mike: I can see you’re a friend in time of need, Alice. (to the kids) You kids are really serious about this, aren’t you.

Bobby: Yeah, we’ve been going at it since 3 minutes after 8 this morning.

Cindy: We’re really gonna set a new teeter-totter record.

Mike: Well, I certainly hope so. (He and Alice go inside) What’s for dinner, Alice? I’m starving.

Alice: Well, it depends. What day is it?

(Mike comes in the house and sees Carol looking outside the window. He goes to kiss Carol.)

Mike: Hi, honey.

Carol: Oh, hi, dear. Would you believe those two have been on that…

Mike: Teeter-totter.

Carol: Teeter-totter since early this morning?

Mike: Yeah, since 3 minutes after 8 to be official.

Carol: Well, you think we ought to let them keep going?

Mike: Oh, sure, why not? It’s no worse than if they spent a day playing in the park. Anyway, you know kids. 1 minute they want to do one thing and the next minute they want to do soetihng else.

Carol: Well, they certainly had their minds made up about this.

Mike: Yeah, it’s their minds that may be iron clad, but it’s the other end that’s gonna make them quit.

(Next, Greg, Peter and Marcia are outside watching them try to break the record.)

Marcia: Aren’t you getting tired?

Cindy: Well, somebody is.

Peter: Why don’t you quit, I think it’s dumb.

Bobby: We’re setting a record. That’s important.

Greg: Right. (to Marcia) Put an umbrella over them when the rainy season starts.

(Bobby glares at the remark.)

Peter: Hey, I got a great idea. We can hitch up a drill at the teeter-totter, and you can be an oil well.

(Cindy frowns at them this time.)

Bobby: Go ahead and laugh, we’ll show you.

Cindy: Yeah, we’ll show you.

(Meanwhile, Jan is in the kitchen helping Carol and Alice with dinner.)

Jan: Wait till they find out we’re having spaghetti and meatballs. That’ll get them in here.

(Two men from the newspaper come by and visit.)

Greg (to the kids): And next week you’re gonna go for the pogo stick contest.

(Marcia and Peter laugh. The men approach the kids.)

Winters: Hi there. Is this the Brady house?

Greg: Yes it is. Can I help you?

Winters: My name is Winters. Daily Chronicle.

Bobby; Hi, I’m Bobby Brady.

Cindy: And I’m Cindy Brady.

Winters: Oh, you’re just who I’m looking for. Your Mom and Dad around?

Greg: Yeah, they’re inside. What’s this all about, Mr. Winters?

Winters: Just covering a little news story son.

Marcia (excited): Cindy and Bobby are news?

Winters: Sure, they’re out to set a world’s record. Would one of you mind calling your mother and father?

Greg: Yeah, Peter, go get them.

(Peter runs into the house.)

Winters; How long have you kids been at it?

Bobby: Since three minutes after 8 this morning.

Winters (looking at his watch): Well, that’s a pretty good start.

(Mike comes into the kitchen and inspects the dinner.)

Mike: Mmm, a smell like that could drive a man mad.

Carol: Well, I may just have a little behind my ears.

Peter (running inside): Mom, Dad, come on out. There’s some guys out here from the newspaper. They’re taking pictures, and everything.

(Carol, Mike, Jan and Alice go outside while the photographer is taking pictures of the kids.)

Cindy: Look, one hand.

Bobby: Look, no hands.

Winters: Better be careful, young man. This is a pretty big ambition setting a world’s record.

Bobby: We can do it.

Winters: You think you can do this, young lady?

Cindy: Well, if Bobby does it, I do it. We go up and down together.

(Jan and the adults come out.)

Winters: Mr. and Mars. Brady?

Carol: Yeah.

Winters: I’m Mark Winters from the Daily Chronicle.

Carol: Hello.

Winters: I hope you don’t mind if us taking a few pictures of the children.

Mike: You mean this is news?

Winters: Sure. Great human interest.

Peter: We have a lot of great human interest around here. My brother and I just fixed our sister’s radio.

Winters: That’s fine, son, but one story at a time.

(The photographer takes a picture of the family.)

Winters: I’m sure you’re very proud of the two kids, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Well, to tell you the truth…

Winters (writing down): Mother, very proud.

(Carol laughs.)

Winters: I guess you’re a little concerned too.

Carol: Well, my husband and I at first we thought that…

Winters (writing again): Mother, whole family, concerned.

Carol: Mr. Winters.

Winters: I know just how you feel.

Carol: You do?

Winters: Thanks a lot, folks. (to Bobby and Cindy) Good-bye, kids. Good luck.

(He and the photographer start to leave.)

Carol: Uh, Mr. Winters, would you mind telling me how you found out about his?

Winters: We got a phone call down at the station. First thing this morning.

Carol: Thanks.

(Winter leaves with the photographer.)

(The family goes over to join the kids. They all sound excited.)

Mike: I wonder who called the paper this morning.

Bobby: We did. We figured the people ought to know about it.

Cindy: Yeah. (she folds her arms) Even us little kids can do something important.

Mike: Important?

Carol: So that’s what this is all about.

(Alice comes out and calls the family to donner.)

Alice: Spaghetti and meatballs is ready. Salsa squisita ala Alice.

(The family comes inside for dinner.)

Peter: Boy, you guys are missing something good. Spaghetti and meatballs.

Carol: They’re not missing a thing. I’m gonna fix them something special too.

Peter: How come they get that kind of service?

Carol (sternly): Because they’re setting a record, and we don’t wanna spoil it, do we.

(She pulls him and they go into the house.)

Bobby: Thanks, Mom.

Cindy: Thanks.

(Inside, at the dinner table, the family is discussing the matter.)

Greg: Dad, why is setting the record such a big deal to them?

Mike: Well, I guess Cindy said it best. Little kids can do something important.

Carol: Yeah, and sometimes, we tend to forget that. You know, kids want to be part of things, too. Well, I’m afraid sometimes we give them the brushoff.

Peter: Like, maybe trying to help fix the radio.

Jan: Or like that time we painted the chair.

(Carol nods.)

Greg: Well, I guess we all understand now.

(Alice comes out with more food.)

Alice: You gotta admit, Bobby and Cindy really made their point.

Mike: Yeah, but I’m afraid no matter how hard they try to break that record, one thing is bound to stop them.

(Later on, Bobby and Cindy are yawning as they are getting extremely tired. Carol and Alice come out with sweaters. they put them on the kids and Carol kisses Cindy.)

(Even later, Mike and Carol are outside watching them as Bobby and Cindy get even tireder.)

Mike (to Carol): It’s just about over, honey.

Carol: They sure are giving it everything they got.

(Bobby starts to fall asleep and Cindy notices.)

Cindy: Bobby, wake up, Bobby.

Bobby: Who’s sleeping?  Maybe you better take a nap, and I’ll take one later.

Cindy: Okay.

(She goes to sleep and in a matter of time, Bobby falls asleep. Carol and Mike get up and bring them upstairs to bed. The next day, Mike, Carol, Peter and Jan read about them in the paper.)

Peter: Boy, they really got in the paper.

Carol: Well, that’s what they wanted.

Jan: Read it, Dad.

Mike (reading): It said Bobby and Cindy Brady set out yesterday to break the world’s teeter-totter record. They began their assault on the record at 8:03 in the morning, and as of the exclusive taking of these exclusive photographs, the two have been teetering and/or tottering for several hours. The current record set by Ralph Nelson, 19 and Alan Rudolph, 20, were slightly over 124 hours. The young Bradys feel with their serious effort, the record is within their grasp.

(Bobby and Cindy come down the stairs. They are annoyed that the parents didn’t let them continue.)

Bobby: How come you let us fall asleep last night?

Cindy: You could’ve woken us up.

Mike: Before you get too upset, take a look at this morning’s paper.

Carol: I think you might like what you see.

Cindy (excited): That’s us!

Bobby: Wow, you’re famous!

Carol: You know, we’re really proud of you two.

Bobby: Thanks, but we didn’t set a record.

Mike: Now, wait a minute, maybe you did. How old were those guys you saw on television?

Bobby: Real old, like in college.

Mike: What’s the record for kids your age.

Cindy: I don’t think there is one.

Mike: There you are, you set a record.

Bobby: Yeah, we really did!

Carol: I hereby proclaim Cindy and Bobby Brady,  junior teeter-totter champions of the world.

(They flex their muscles and give a cheer sign while Peter and Jan cheer as well. The phone rings and Carol answers.)

Carol: Hello. Oh, hello, Gertrude. Oh yes, we’re looking at it right now. Yes, they’re very excited. Hold on a minute, and I’ll see. ((she gets off the phone to speak to Bobby and Cindy) Cousin Gertrude would like to know if you two celebrities want to come to the wedding.

Bobby: Who wants to go to a dumb old wedding?

Cindy: I sure don’t.

Carol: Sorry Gertrude, but our two celebrities are all booked up. Thanks, bye.

(She hangs the phone up.)

Cindy: Come on, Bobby, let’s try to break some other kind of record.

Bobby: Yeah, come on.

(They get up and leave.)

Jan (confused): I thought they wanted to go to the wedding.

Mike: Not really, but, it’s always nice to be asked.

Peter: Come on, Jan.

Jan: Where?

Peter: Why don’t we break a record too. We can’t let two little kids beat us out.

(They get up as well.)

Mike: I don’t think we can stand more than two world’s records in one week.

Carol: What do you mean two?

Mike: Well, there’s a teeter-totter record.

Carol: And.

Mike: Gertrude. Anyone who spent 25 years shopping for a husband, that’s gotta be one world record.

Alice (coming form the den): Hold it, folks. That’s not a record yet. I’m still in competition.

(Mike and Carol laugh and hug each other as the scene fades away.)

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(The final scene has Mike, Carol, Marcia, Greg, Jan and Peter coming home from the wedding and Alice sitting on the couch waiting up.)

Alice: How was the wedding?

Carol: Oh, Alice, it was simply beautiful.

Mike: It just goes to prove that somewhere, sometime, there’s a mate for anybody.

Alice: That’s good to know.

Mike: Alice, you wouldn’t believe it, Fat, bald, wrinkled, thin scraggly mustache. You should’ve seen the groom.

(He walks away with Carol scolding him. Next, Greg and Peter are playing catch with the football in the backyard.)

Greg: That’s pretty good.

(Peter throws Greg another toss.)

Greg: That’s better Pete but grip it on the laces.

(Marcia and Jan are walking home talking about the wedding. Jan catches the ball, which Greg obviously missed.)

Marcia: I thought Cousin Gertrude’s wedding was so romantic.

Jan: Yeah, it was just like in the movies with all those flowers and everything. I never seen so many flowers.

Marcia: And did you see that veil and gown? They were perfect for her.

Peter: Still talking about that dumb wedding.

Jan: It wasn’t dumb.

Marcia: It was beautiful.

(Peter takes the ball back from Jan.)

Greg (sarcastically): It was beautiful. (He mimics the preacher’s voice to Peter) Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

Peter (imitating the groom): Yes, sir, I do.

Greg (again sounding like the preacher): And do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

Peter (imitating Gertrude): Oh, yes sir, I take this man for my husband.

Greg (again in imitation): You may now kiss the bride.

Peter (again sounding like Gertrude): Here, in front of everybody?

(The guys laugh and walk away.)

Jan: Very funny.

Marcia: Boys, who needs them?

Jan: Yeah, who needs them?

Marcia (laughing): I guess we do if we ever get married.

images play catch

                    THE END

S3 E13 The Not-So-Rose-Colored Glasses

The Not-So-Rose-Colored Glasses

Written by Bruce Howard

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Jan learns she needs to wear glasses. Meanwhile, Mike and Carol celebrate their wedding anniversary. Hope you enjoy the script.











MR. GAYLORD, photographer

(The episode begins with Jan riding home on her bicycle. Meanwhile, Mike devises a scheme to have a picture of the kids taken as his anniversary gift to Carol. He has Alice feign a toothache so Carol will drive her to the dentist.)

Mike: Hey, Alice, are you all set?

Alice: Oh yes, Mr. Brady. Don’t worry about a thing. I got it all worked out.

Mike: How are you gonna do it?

Alice: Old fashioned toothache. (she shows him a preview of her having a splitting tooth) When Mrs. Brady takes me to the dentist, you take the kids to the photographers.

Mike: Hey, I hope it works. It’s kind of hard to put anything over on Mrs. Brady.

(Carol comes into the kitchen.)

Carol: Mike.

(Alice pretends she has a toothache.)

Mike: Oh, that’s a shame, Alice.

Carol: What’s a shame? (Alice pretends she’s in pain) What’s the matter?

Mike: Alice has a terrible toothache.

Alice: Well, it’s beginning to swell. I really ought to get to a dentist.

Carol: Well, of course.

Alice: Well, I wouldn’t dream of letting you drive me, Mrs. Brady. I can take a bus. I only have to transfer three times.

Carol: Don’t be ridiculous, Alice. I’m driving you and no arguments.

Alice: Thanks a lot.

(Carol and Mike give each other funny looks.)

Mike: Poor Alice.

(They get a phone call. Mike answers.)

Mike: Hello. Mr. Brenner? Oh, from the playground, what can I do for you? Jan, what about her?

Carol: Is Jan all right?

(Mike nods.)

Mike: Are you sure? Well, I doubt it, but I will look right into it, Mr. Brenner. Yeah, thanks for calling.

(He hangs up.)

Carol: What is it, Mike?

Mike: Mr. Brenner said that Jan left the playground and she took some girl’s bike.

Carol: Took some girl’s bike? That’s silly, Jan has her own bike.

Mike: He also says he has an eyewitness that says she stole it.

Carol: Stole it? Well, I don’t believe it.

(Jan comes home and parks the bike. Mike and Carol go outside to confront her.)

Mike: Let’s see what this is all about.

(The scene fades.)

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(The next scene picks up from the last, with Jan coming into the house. She sees Mike and Carol.)

Jan: Hi.

Mike: Jan, we just got a call from Mr. Brenner.

Jan: What about?

Carol: he said you took someone else’s bike from the playground.

Jan: Why would I do that? I got my own bike.

Mike (looking it over): Jan, this isn’t your bicycle. Among other things, yours has a dent in it when Bobby ran into it that day.

Jan (shocked): You’re right, this isn’t my bicycle!

Carol: Well, it does look like hers. It’s the same make, same color, everything.

Jan: What a dumb head I am. How could I have taken somebody else’s bicycle? Sorry.

Carol: Oh, honey. We were sure it was just a mistake. (She looks at her watch) Goodness, I got to run. I got to get Alice to the dentist.

(She leaves.)

Jan: I’m sorry about the bike mix-up. I guess I was in such a hurry to get home, I didn’t look close enough.

Mike: Yeah, well you scoot. And get the bike back fast, because we have to have that picture taken before they get back from the dentist, okay.

Jan: Okay, do you think mom suspects anything?

Mike: Well, she suspects one thing.

Jan: What?

Mike: That I’m a husband who forgets wedding anniversaries.

Jan (laughing): I’ll see ya. I’ll hurry.

(Back in the house, Alice is waiting for Carol to bring her to the dentist.)

Mike: Alice, if I hadn’t known better, I’d swear you’d have one swollen jaw. What have you got in there?

(She looks around to make sure Carol is not there. then she lets out a bubble from a piece of bubble gum she is chewing. then Carol comes down the stairs and Alice pretends to still be in pain.)

Carol: Gee, I’m sorry I took so long.

Alice: I certainly appreciate this, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Well, you didn’t think I’d let you go down there… (She notices something) That’s funny, I could have sworn the swelling was on the other side.

Mike (abruptly): You better hurry before it hurts on both sides.

Alice (leaving with Carol): I’m glad it’s not my wisdom teeth, I need all the smarts I can get.

Carol (to Mike): We’ll be back at soon as we can, honey.

Mike: Take all the time you need!

Alice: The way my tooth feels it may take hours, maybe all afternoon.

(They leave. Mike looks up the stairs.)

Mike (calling): Okay, kids!

(They come running down the stairs.)

Peter: How do I look?

(The question is followed by some jibberish and the kids go running to the car.)

(Next, they are down at the photographer studio getting their picture taken by an absent-minded photographer, Gregory Gaylord.)

Gaylord: Smile children.

(The kids all put on their best smiles.)

Mike: That looks pretty good to me, Mr. Gaylord.

Gaylord: Perhaps to an amateur, but not to Gregory Gaylord. Smile choildren.

Mike (to the kids): Let’s have a nice big smile, huh.

Gaylord: That is good. Very good. All right, ready, set, wait. (He realizes he forgot something) Film! I forgot to put in the film. It’s here somewhere. (He finds it.) Here’s the film. Imagine a professional forgetting to put in the film. (He puts the film in the camera) al right, kids.

Mike: Okay, kids, let’s try it again now. Everybody smile.

Gaylord: Oh, this is going to be beautiful, Mr. Brady. All right, ready, set, and (He forgets again) Color. I want color, where’s my color.

Mike: Hang in there, kids. (Gaylord takes out the black and white film) May I help you?

(Gaylord finds the color film.)

Gaylord: Here’s my color. (He puts the color film in the camera) Imagine a professional forgetting his color .

Greg (to the other kids): He’d have a great memory, if he remembered where he kept it.

(The other kids laugh.)

Gaylord: All right, children, let’s have that smile again.

Mike: Jan,  honey, don’t squint, don’t squint.

Jan: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to squint.

Gaylord: Ready now, everybody say…

The kids: Cheese.

Mike: Cheese.

Gaylord (annoyed): Cheese. Say cheese. Ready, set. (All the kids say cheese and he takes the picture) Got it. That was perfect, kids. Now, let’s take some better ones.

(The kids give him annoyed looks. Mike then discusses the arrangement on how to obtain the picture when it’s ready.)

Mike: When do I get the pictures, Mr. Gaylord?

Gaylord: Well, I’ll have the proofs in the morning, make that Tuesday, Wednesday? Whichever comes first. Anyway, with the frame you picked out, it will be ready in 4 or 5 days.

Mike: Oh, well, that’s great. It’s for my anniversary, and that’s a week Saturday.

Gaylord: No problem. I’ll have it framed and delivered to your house.

Mike: No, don’t deliver. Call me when it’s ready and I’ll pick it up. It’s a surprise.

Gaylord: Oh, a surprise. I love surprises.

Mike: Hey kids, come on, We got to hurry and beat your Mom and Alice back to the house.

(The kids all run out to the car.)

Gaylord: Fine looking children, Mr. Brady. How long have you been married?

Mike: 3 years.

(He signs an order form and goes outside to bring the kids home.)

Gaylord (to himself): 3 years, 6 kids. Everything these days. Rush, rush, rush.

(The next scene has Mike coming home from work. He walks in the door and sees Carol sitting in the living room.)

Carol: Hi, honey, how was everything at the office.

Mike: I got to come home a little early today. (He kisses her and notices a letter Carol is reading) What’s that?

Carol: Well, it’s a letter we got today from Jan’s teacher, Mrs. Denthoff.

.Mike: Let me see.

Carol: It says Jan’s grade have been falling off.

Mike (reading the letter): lacking energy and having trouble concentrating. Hmm, it’s not like Jan.

Carol: I know, I can’t understand it.

Mike: She’s always been a good student.

(Next, Mike and Carol are in the den with Jan. they show her the letter.)

Carol: Jan, I’d like you to read this letter. It’s from your teacher, Mrs. Denthoff.

(Jan reads the letter but puts it close to her face. Carol and Mike look at each other.)

Jan: I’m sorry, I’ll try to do better.

Mike: Jan, read it again. this time out loud.

(Jan puts it close to her face again.)

Mike: No, no, no. From here. (distant from her face)

Jan: Dear Mr. and Mrs. Brady. In the post, in the past, several weeks, Jan’s grades…

Mike: That’s enough, Jan.

(He takes the letter back.)

Carol: Honey, where do you sit in Mrs. Denthoff’s class?

Jan: In the back, why?

Mike: Does she write lessons on the blackboard in the front of the class?

Jan: Usually.

Carol: Jan, I think you may need glasses.

Jan (upset): Glasses? Oh, Mom, no, not glasses!

Mike: Certainly you want to have your eyes checked.

Carol: Honey, wearing glasses isn’t anything these days.

Jan: But I’m sure I don’t need glasses!

Mike: But you want to keep failing in school? Making mistakes like taking the wrong bicycle?

Jan: Glasses, wow, I’ll look positively goofy. When Bernie McGuire sees me, he’ll go bananas.

Carol: Bananas. That’s bad, huh?

Jan: It’s the worst.

(A devastated Jan leaves the den. Mike comes home in the next scene and meets Alice in the backyard.)

Alice: Hi, Mr. Brady. Follow me to the garage (She gives him the garbage can she is carrying and shows him something) Mr. Gaylord delivered your anniversary present.

Mike (upset); Oh, no. I simply asked him not to.

Alice: Luckily, when Mrs. Brady was out with Jan, I hid it out here in the garage.

Mike: Hey, hey, thanks, Alice.

Alice: I think it will be safe out here. Mrs. Brady knows it’s your anniversary is coming up, she’s already been snooping in the house. She’s a pretty good snooper.

Mike: Good work, Alice. She’ll never think to look in the garage.

Alice: Wrong. She’s already looked, Mr. Brady. But, there would be no point to snoop in here again. Once she’s already snooped in, she’s snooped out.

Mike: Alice, your talk is a little like your meat loaf. A little bit of everything and all mixed up.

(He laughs and Alice takes back the garbage can. Next, Carol and Jan return from getting her glasses. Cindy and Bobby are in the family room playing with a jigsaw puzzle.)

Bobby: That must be Mom and Jan. They must’ve gotten Jan’s new glasses.

Cindy: I’ll bet she looks funny in them.

Bobby: Can’t wait to see all four eyes.

(Mike walks in.)

Mike: Let’s not have any four eyes jokes. Jan is gonna feel self-conscious enough without you teasing her.

Bobby: She’ll know we’re just joking.

Mike: People don’t like those kinds of personal jokes. How would you like it if someone called you, uh, shorty.

Bobby: I wouldn’t care.

Cindy: Okay, shorty.

Bobby: You cut that out.

Mike: See.

(Jan and Carol come in with Jan wearing her glasses.)

Mike: Hi, honey.

Carol: Hi, hi kids.

Mike (to Jan): Hey, you look great. Those frames are beautiful. Right kids?

Cindy: Yeah.

Bobby: Terrific.

Jan: Thanks.

Carol: She picked them out herself.

Mike: Ah, they’re perfect. They really suit her.

Carol (to Mike): Hey, honey, come on. I wanna show you these great towels I got on sale today.

(Carol and Mike leave the room and Jan stares at Bobby and Cindy.)

Jan: Okay, go ahead and say it. I look like a drip. Right?

Bobby: No, they look neat.

Cindy: Yeah, neat.

Jan: You really think they kinda look okay?

Cindy: Yeah, they make you look like you’re real smart.

Bobby: Like a schoolteacher.

(Jan starts to get upset.)

Jan: Oh, great. I wanted glasses thta make me look groovy.

Bobby: They do look groovy.

Cindy: And we aren’t saying this because Dad told us to.

Bobby: And I didn’t even call you four eyes once.

Jan (angry): Thanks a lot.

(She leaves as Bobby and Cindy cluelessly shrug. Carol is later looking for Mike’s gift. Alice comes in and catches her.)

Alice: Lose something, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: Alice, you know very well what I’m doing, I’m snooping.

Alice: You, Mrs. Brady? Stooping to snooping?

Carol: Now look, Alice. I bought Mr. Brady an anniversary present an di know he bought me an anniversary present and I know it’s got to be somewhere in this house. And I’ll bet you were in on it.

Alice (innocently): Me?

Carol: Come on, Alice? Give me a little hint.

Alice: Let me put it this way, Mrs. Brady. Roses are red, violets are blue, Mr. Brady will bean me if I told you.

(Jan comes by and hears part of the conversation.)

Carol: I thought we were friends. Aw, Alice, I’m not asking you to tell me exactly. Aw, you’re not being fair.

(Jan puts her glasses on as she hears Alice say she doesn’t want to be a snitch or traitor to Mike.)

Jan: Mom, I’m going down to the library now, okay?

Carol: Okay, dear, but don’t be too long, remember about dinner.

Jan: I will. Bye.

(She goes outside and gets on her bike. Marcia comes by and catches her putting her glasses in her purse. Jan gets on her bike and starts to ride away.)

Marcia: Jan.

Jan: Yeah?

Marcia: Where are your glasses?

Jan: In my purse.

Marcia: Why aren’t you wearing them?

Jan: Well, I’m meeting Bernie McGuire at the library.

Marcia: So?

Jan: Well, Bernie hasn’t seen me in glasses, and he’s not going to if I could help it.

Marcia: Well, Mom and Dad said you’re supposed to wear your glasses.

Jan: Well, I will when I really need them.

Marcia: I think you’re being dumb, they’re your eyes.

Jan (riding off): Chow.

Marcia: Chow?

(When Jan returns, Greg is sweeping the garage and he makes faces at her until he sees he’s about to crash her bike into the garage wall.)

Greg: Jan, Jan, Jan, look out! (She crashes and he goes to help her up) Are you all right?

Jan: Yeah, yeah, I think so.

Greg: Let me look.

Jan: I, I think I misjudged the distance.

Greg: Yeah, hey, no wonder, why aren’t you wearing your glasses?

Jan: Is my bike okay? (She notices the damage she caused to the picture) Huh!

Greg: Oh, no!

Jan: Oh, no! It’s Dad’s anniversary gift to Mom!

Greg: Now you’ve done it.

Jan: It’s ruined!

(The scene fades.)

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(The next scene has Carol snooping in the bedroom. Mike comes in.)

Mike: Maybe it’s in the closet.

Carol (turning around): Maybe what’s in the closet?

Mike: Whatever it is you’re looking for.

Carol: I was looking for my blue sweater. (She goes into her drawer and finds it) Well, my blue sweater.

Mike: Ah, your blue sweater. You’re gonna wear that around the house/ it’s kind of warm.

Carol (putting it on): Well, maybe you’re warm but I’m very chilly.

(She puts it on and it hit Mike in the face.)

Mike: Ah, well, I’ll see you downstairs.

(He leaves the room and Carol gives a frustrated look. She also puts the sweater back.)

(Next, Greg is in his room trying to fix the picture with Peter and Bobby watching.)

Greg: This will never work. We’ll never hold this frame together.

(Jan comes in the room.)

Jan: How’s it going?

Greg: Not good. (Jan whines) Did you get ahold of the photographer?

Jan: Yeah,  but remember how mixed up he was when he took the picture?

Greg: Yeah.

Jan: Well, he’s still mixed up.

Bobby: What’s that supposed to mean?

Jan: He can’t find the negatives.

Greg (upset): You mean he lost it?

Jan: Yeah. He said it was his fault, so if you want to take the picture, he won’t charge us for the new negative.

Peter: Hey, great!

Jan: Yeah, but he has to charge us for the new picture.

Greg (sarcastically): Hey, great. We can’t ask Mom and Dad for the money.

Jan: Well, maybe if we all chipped in, we could have enough. I could pay you back, a little at a time, I promise.

Greg: I’d be glad to, but I’m all tapped out on Mom and Dad’s anniversary gift.

Peter: Me too, I got 12 cents left.

Bobby: And compared to me, he’s rich.

(Next, Jan is trying to get cash from her sisters.)

Marcia: Jan, I wish I could help but…

Jan: I know, Mom and Dad’s anniversary present.

Cindy: hey, I could let you have my coin collection.

Jan: you could?

Cindy: Yeah, but I haven’t started it yet.

Jan: Well, I think I know where I could get the money.

Marcia: Where?

Jan: Just have everybody meet me at the photographer’s right after school tomorrow. And don’t forget to wear the same clothes, so nobody will be able to tell it’s a different picture.

Marcia: But Jan, where are you gonna get the money?

Jan: What does it matter, as long as I get it.

(The next scene has Greg coming down the stairs in a jacket and tie, which he wore for the original picture. Alice catches him.)

Alice: Hey, where you going all dressed up like that?

Greg: Well, I got this date to take this chick down to the pizza place, Alice?

Alice: Pizza place? Dressed like that?

Greg: You don’t know what a great chick this is, it took me weeks just to get introduced to her.

Alice: Oh, not you, not Greg Brady. the Casanova of Clinton Avenue.

Greg: She’s really popular. So I figured I’d better look really heavy.

Alice: Hmm, I look really heavy no matter what I wear.

Greg: See you later.

Alice: Anchovies away.

(Greg leaves and Alice starts to vacuum. Peter and Bobby try sneaking down the stairs.)

Alice: Hey, hey, where do you think you’re going in your good clothes?

Peter: Out to play.

Bobby: Yeah, out to play.

Alice: Since when do you get dressed up to go out and play?

Peter: Well, you see, our play clothes are clean, and our good clothes are kind of dirty. So we don’t want to get our play clothes dirty. Right, Bobby.

Bobby: Uh, yeah. This way we just get our good clothes dirtier.

Peter: And you don’t have to wash our play clothes.

Bobby: Yeah, bye. So long.

Peter: Bye.

Alice (to herself): I think I detect a little fancy footwork here.

(She starts vacuuming and this time it’s the girls’ turn to try sneaking out in their good clothes. They sneak past Alice but run into Carol, who’s coming in the door.)

Carol: Well, perfect timing. My, do we look pretty.

Jan: Well, thanks, Mom.

Cindy: Yeah, thanks.

Marcia: You see, kids these days are always wearing jeans and stuff like that. And we figured it be fun to get all dressed up, like going to a party.

Jan: Well, we don’t want to be late. I’ll see you.

Marcia: No, come on, Cindy.

(They go out the door and Carol remains unconvinced.)

Carol: Late? Late for what? Alice!, Alice!, why are those girls so dressed up?

Alice: Beats me, Mrs. Brady, everybody suddenly decided to get dressed up.

(Next, the kids are down at the studio taking the second picture.)

Gaylord: All right kids, a nice big smile. That’s it.

Greg: Hold it, wait a minute.

Marcia: What’s wrong?

Greg: I don’t think we’re standing the same as we did last time.

Jan: You’re right, I was standing on the other side of Cindy.

Cindy: Hey, yeah

Gaylord: Children, children, I took the picture. And I remember your positions exactly.

Marcia: How were we?

Gaylord: you are exactly (Pause) like you just said.

Greg: I’m sure that’s it. Okay sir, we’re ready.

Gaylord: Okay, children, let’s see those pretty teeth now. And ready, and set, and…

Bobby: You got film in this camera?

Gaylord: Of course I got film.

Peter: Color film?

Gaylord: Yes, color film. (He double checks to see if he has it) Yes, color film. All right, ready, and set, and smile like last time. Ready. (All the kids say cheese) That’s it.

(He takes the shot. Carol and Alice are next in the kitchen preparing breakfast.)

Carol: Alice, maybe I should fix Mr. Brady something , you know, something a little special this morning.

Alice: Special?

Carol: Well, it is our anniversary, as if you didn’t know.

Alice: Congratulations, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Thanks. Mr. Brady sure is playing it cool. Well, you know how husbands are.

Alice: No, I don’t know how husbands are, but I’m dying to find out.

(Mike comes in the kitchen.)

Mike: Good morning, Alice.

(He and Carol hug.)

Carol: Ah, how would you like to have something really special this morning.

Mike: Special? Why would I want anything special this morning?

Carol: Well, because it’s an especially nice day.

Mike: Oh well, you’ve seen one especially nice day, you’ve seen them all.

Carol: Ah, but this is a special especially nice day.

Mike: That’s funny. It fell right on our anniversary.

Carol (hugging him from behind): oh, Mike Brady, I could strangle you.

Mike: You’re doing a great job of it right now.

Carol (sitting on his lap): Happy anniversary, darling.

Mike: Ooh, happy Anniversary.

(They kiss. Alice leads the kids in to bring their gifts.)

Kids: Surprise, happy anniversary.

Jan: How about ladies first.

Cindy: How about little ladies first.

Mike: What about husbands first.

(They hand him the wrapped up picture.)

Greg: Congratulations, Dad, Mom.

Carol: Oh, let me open it. (Mike helps her open it) Oh, marvelous. How did you ever sneak out and get it done?

Mike: Oh, we Bradys move in mysterious ways.

Carol: Nothing I’d rather have. Jan, you wore your glasses.

Jan: Uh huh.

(Mike notices something and gets confused.)

Carol: Well, come on, everybody. Let’s find a place to hang it.

(Carol, Alice and the kids go to hang it up.)

Mike (calling): Jan! (Jan stops and Mike motions for her to come to him. they both sit down) Isn’t there something you should explain to me?

Jan: What, Dad?

Mike: When we had that picture taken, you didn’t have your glasses yet.

Jan: I didn’t?

Mike: No, you didn’t. That can’t be the same picture, can it?

Jan: It isn’t, dad. But it wasn’t the other kids’ fault, I ruined the first one, because I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I ran into it on my bike in the garage.

Mike: Jan, you know you were lucky you just ran into the picture, you could’ve run into something much worse, like a car.

Jan: I’m sorry, Dad. I’ll wear my glasses from now on whenever I’m supposed to, I promise.

Mike: Yeah, but for a little reminder, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to ground you. 2 weeks, no bicycle.

Jan: Dad, can you make it something else? You can’t ground me from riding my bicycle.

Mike: Yes, I’m afraid I can.

Jan: Well, I don’t have a bicycle anymore. I sold it to pay for the new photograph.

Mike: Well, all right, I suppose that’s punishment enough. Maybe we can even find a way to buy that bicycle back.

Jan: Oh, I know a way we can get the money.

Mike: You do, huh?

Jan: We can sell my glasses.

(He laughs and pats her head as the scene fades.)

untitled broken pic untitled mike and jan

(The final scene has Mike and Carol hanging the picture up in their room.)

Carol: Honey, it’s drooping, yeah, on the left. (He adjusts it correctly) Oh, that’s perfect. Alice, isn’t that a lovely picture?

Alice: Ah, lovely. A lot nicer than the one I just got.

Mike: what picture is that, Alice?

Alice: the X-ray from my dentist. You took me there for my toothache. I was just kidding, but he wasn’t. He found 3 cavities.

(They all laugh while Alice sticks both her jaws out. They take another look at the picture.)

                                            THE END