S3 E3 The Brady Braves

untitled kids meet jimmy

The Brady Braves

Written by Tam Spiva

The Bradys make their way to the grand Canyon, where Bobby and Cindy get lost while chasing after an Indian boy. I hope you enjoy the script.











JIMMY PAKAYA, Bobby and Cindy’s Indian friend

CHIEF EAGLE CLOUD, Jimmy’s grandfather

(The episode picks up from the previous one. Bobby and Cindy are still lost while the rest of the family goes and searches for them.)

Carol: Bobby! Cindy!

(Meanwhile, Cindy and Bobby are sitting on a rock.)

Cindy: This is all your fault, you wanted to chase after that Indian boy.

Bobby: How was I supposed to know we’d get lost. Come on.

(Cut to Mike, Peter and Marcia searching for them.)

Peter: Bobby!

Marcia: Cindy!

Mike: Bobby! Cindy!

(Mike narrates the previous episode’s happenings, along with flashbacks.)

(It had started out to be a great vacation for all of us. The kids were really excited at their first sight of the Grand Canyon. They loved the Hopi Indians and the rain dance. They couldn’t wait to ride down to the bottom of the canyon. Now, I had warned all the kids to stay together, but it was Bobby and Cindy who wandered off. It’s starting to get dark now. We’d better find them and fast.)

Mike (to Peter and Marcia): Come on, kids.

(Meanwhile, Bobby and Cindy are still trying to find their way back to camp as Jimmy looks on from some rocks. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Bobby and Cindy still walking around aimlessly.)

Cindy: I think we’re going in circles. (Bobby notices something and stops) What’s the matter?

(Bobby points to Jimmy, who is walking down a path to approach them.)

Bobby: Let me handle this, Cindy. (Jimmy catches up with them) How?

Jimmy: How what?

Bobby: Uh, how are you?

Jimmy: I’m okay.

Bobby: I’m Bobby Brady, and this is my sister, Cindy.

Jimmy: I’m Jimmy Pakaya.

Bobby: Do you live around here?

Jimmy: Well, not too far.

Cindy: Are you a real Indian?

Jimmy: Uh huh.

Bobby: Have you seen a camp around here? One with tents and stuff?

Jimmy: Yes, I found your camp.

Cindy (excited): Oh, could you find it for us?

Jimmy: Sure.

Bobby: Hey, great! We’re kind of lost. Could you help us get back to our folks?

Jimmy: No.

Cindy: Why not?

Jimmy: I’ve got my reasons.

(He walks away but Bobby and Cindy follow him.)

Bobby: What’s the matter? Don’t you like us palefaces?

Jimmy: Cut out the paleface stuff?

Bobby: Sorry.

Cindy: Why won’t you help us?

Jimmy: Because I don’t want anybody to see me.

Bobby: You’re in some kind of trouble?

Jimmy: I ran away from home. If your folks see me, they’ll tell my grandfather where I am.

Bobby: Listen, Jimmy, maybe we can make a deal. You take us back, and we promise not to tell we saw you.

Cindy: Please?

Jimmy: Well, you promise?

Bobby (defensive): Do I look like the kind of guy that speaks with a forked tongue?

(Meanwhile, Carol, greg and Jan are still looking. Greg makes a discovery.)

Greg: Mom, Jan, come here quick.

(Carol and Jan rush to him.)

Carol: What is it?

Greg: Footprints. (He finds more) the footprints end here, and there’s two paths.

Jan: Which way do you think we went?

Carol: Look, you two take that way and I’ll take this way, and we’ll meet right back here. And remember, please stay together.

Greg: We will, Mom.

(Cut back to Bobby, Cindy and Jimmy. )

Jimmy: Around those rocks up there, you’ll be able to see your camp.

Bobby: Thanks a  lot, Jimmy, you really saved our lives.

Jimmy: Ah, it’s nothing.

Cindy: It is too.

Bobby: Isn’t there some way we can pay you back?

Jimmy: Well, I’m kind of hungry, you think you could get me something to eat?

Bobby: Sure, but we’ll have to wait until tonight when everybody’s asleep.

Jimmy: That’s okay, I’ll be by those big rocks we just passed.

Bobby: Okay, see you later.

Jimmy: Thanks a lot.

(They head toward the camp as Carol calls them from a distance.)

Carol: Bobby! Cindy!

Bobby: That sounds like Mom.

Cindy: It is Mom!

Bobby and Cindy: Mother, Mother!

(They catch up to her and give her a big hug.)

Carol: Oh, thank goodness. Oh, you’re all right.

Bobby: We’re sorry, we didn’t mean to get lost.

Cindy: It was just an accident.

Carol: Well, don’t you ever wander away from us again, you hear?

(She gives them another hug.)

Bobby: What are you crying for?

Carol: Because I’m so happy you’re back.

Cindy; I thought you’d cry when we got lost.

Carol: I cried then too.

Bobby: I guess we make her cry no matter what we do.

(Back at the camp, Mike gives a final lecture about the kids staying together.)

Mike: All right, all right, form now on, nobody goes off alone, right? Let’s hear it, uh huh? (They all agree. to Bobby and Cindy) And you two guys, you don’t go away from camp without being with an adult, or with Greg or Marcia, okay.

Bobby: Okay.

Carol: Okay, kids, let’s get cleaned up for dinner.

(The rest of the family walks away.)

Cindy (whispering, to Bobby): How we gonna get the food for Jimmy?

Bobby: I’ve been thinking about, and I got a plan.

(He whispers in her ear.)

(The next scene has the family around the campfire singing “Down In The Valley”, with Greg on guitar. Cindy passes a couple of hot dogs to Bobby and he puts them in his coat pocket. They all cheer when the song is over.)

Mike: Hey, how about a little, let’s see, Home on the Range.

Carol: Hey, yeah.

Jan: Yeah, that’s a good one.

Mike (to Greg): Can you play that one?

Greg: Oh, sure.

(He plays and they all sing. Bobby and Cindy go over to Alice.)

Bobby: Could we have some more hot dogs, Alice?

Alice: That makes four apiece. You two must have hollow legs.

Bobby: Well, getting lost takes a lot out of you.

Cindy: We’re trying to put it back.

Alice: I don’t really believe that you’re eating all these hot dogs. (The kids get worried) I think you’re inhaling them. (She gets up) I better start doing these dishes.

Bobby (to Cindy): let’s get some beans for Jimmy, too.

Cindy: Where are we going to hide them?

Bobby: Hey, I got it.

(He takes his flashlight out and removes the batteries. He fills the flashlight with beans as the family continues singing.)

Cindy: Hey, that’s a great idea.

(Late that evening, Bobby wakes up and goes to the girls’ tent. He whistles to Cindy., who wakes up.)

Cindy: I’m coming.

(They go to see Jimmy and bring him dinner.)

Cindy: You’re sure you can find your way?

Bobby: I think so.

Cindy: It’s so dark I can’t see where I’m going.

Bobby: Don’t pull so hard, you’re squashing the hot dogs.

(After walking a little more, they hear a howl.)

Cindy (frightened): What was that?

Bobby: Just a coyote.

Cindy: Maybe we should go back.

Bobby: We can’t, just think of how hungry Jimmy is.

Cindy: Just think of how hungry the coyote is.

(They go out  a little further until they find Jimmy.)

Jimmy: I didn’t think you’d come back.

Bobby: We promised, didn’t we? We brought you some hot dogs.

Cindy: Some of them may be a little bit squishy.

Jimmy: I like them squishy.

Bobby: Here’s something else to eat.

Jimmy: A flashlight?

Bobby: No, inside, beans.

Jimmy: Hey, that’s a great idea.

(Greg and Peter show up, looking for the kids. Bobby, Cindy and Jimmy hide behind a rock when they see them.)

Greg: Bobby! Cindy!

(They see them over by the rock and come over.)

Bobby (to Greg): What are you doing here?

Greg: That’s the same question I got for you?

Peter: Who’s he?

Bobby: This is our friend, Jimmy Pakiah.

Cindy: We brought him some hot dogs.

Greg: Look, I don’t know what this thing is all about, but I do know one thing, you two better get back to camp before Dad wakes up and blows his top.

Peter: Come on.

(Cindy goes along with them, Bobby stops to ta;k to Jimmy.)

Bobby: Sure you don’t wanna come with us? Maybe Mom and Dad can help you.

Jimmy: No, they’ll just tell my grandfather. As soon as it’s light, I’m moving on.

Greg (impatiently): Bobby, come on.

Bobby: Well, thanks a lot, Jimmy. See you sometimne.

(He gives Jimmy the flashlight to keep.)

Jimmy: Yeah, sometime.

(Greg grabs Bobby’s arm and they head back to camp.)

Greg: I don’t care, Bobby, we should tell Mom and Dad about Jimmy.

Bobby: But we promised we wouldn’t.

Cindy: We told you he saved our lives.

Greg: Listen, did you think you might be saving is life by telling on him?

Peter: Shh, listen.

(They see an overbearing shadow in the dark, not realizing it was Mike. The scene fades out.)

untitled chief eagle cloud

(The next scene has Mike confronting the kids.)

Greg: Who is it?

Mike: Greg.

Greg: Dad. (He walks up to the kids.) Why didn’t you say you were you?

Mike: Because I didn’t know you were you. Would you like to tell me what you’re doing out here in the dark?

Greg: tell him, Bobby.

Bobby: Who, me?

Peter: Yeah, you.

Bobby: Uh, Dad, it’s like this, we got lost.

Cindy: You remember?

Mike: Now, you want to stop the stalling and tell me what this is all about?

(Next, Mike is having a heart-to-heart talk with Jimmy.)

Jimmy: Now you’re going to tell my grandfather and he’ll take me home.

Mike: Is home so bad, Jim?

Jimmy: No, I like it there.

Mike: Then why run away?

Jimmy: Because of my grandfather.

Mike: Oh, is he mean to you?

Jimmy: No, I love him.

Mike (confused): Wait a minute, I don’t get it. Then what’s the matter?

Jimmy: Well, he only thinks about the old Indian ways. He always talks about great things that happened a long time ago.

Mike: Well, I can understand that, he’s proud of those things.

Jimmy: Mr. Brady, I’m tired of being an Indian. I want to be an astronaut.

Mike (laugihng): Look Jim, you can be both of those things. Look, you can be proud of your heritages like your grandfather, and you can still do whatever you want to do or be what you want to be. What did your grandfather say when you told him you wanted to be an astronaut?

Jimmy: I didn’t tell him.

Mike: Why didn’t you give him a chance? Wait and see what he thinks about it before you try and run away.

Jimmy: I don’t know.

Mike: Listen, why don’t we talk about this again in the morning, huh? You come back to camp with us, and you can sleep in a nice, warm bed, have a good breakfast. (Jimmy gives a doubtful look) Come on, you haven’t eaten until you’ve Alice’s pancakes. Come on, I bet you’re good and hungry.

(Jimmy gets up to go with him.)

Jimmy: No, I had hot dogs. Oh, and beans.

Mike: Hot dogs and beans?

(Jimmy gives him Bobby’s flashlight. Mike goes in the girls’ tent and wakes Carol.)

Carol: What is it, honey? Is it time to get up?

Mike: Listen, as long as you’re awake, come here, I want you to see something.

(She gets up and follows Mike outside. She sees Jimmy in the sleeping bag with Bobby.)

Carol: Who in the world is that?

Mike: That might be the first Indian who ever lands on Mars.

(The next morning, the boys call for Mike in the tent.)

Greg: Dad, Dad are you awake?

Mike: Yeah, just a second, what is it, boys?

Bobby: Jimmy, he’s gone.

Mike: Hmm, you sure? maybe he just wandered off for a minute.

Peter: No, he looked all over for him.

Bobby: What are we going to do?

Mike: Well, I don’t think there’s much we can do. I’ll put my boots on and we’ll go look for him. We’ve given him the best advice we can. That’s the thing about advice, you can give it, but you can’t make him take it.

Bobby: Yeah, we understand, Dad.

Greg: Come on, you guys.

(They go to look for their friend. Meanwhile, Alice and Carol are talking over at the tents.)

Alice: I think we could use some fresh water, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Okay, Alice. the stream’s right over there beyond those boulders. You can’t miss it.

Alice: okay, just incase, if I’m not back in 10 minutes, send out a forest ranger.

Carol (laughing): okay.

Alice: On second thought, even if I don’t get lost, send out a forest ranger. 6’2″, broad shoulders and a little gray at the temples.

Carol: Alice.

(Alice wanders off to fetch some water. She runs into Jimmy’s grandfather, Chief Eagle Cloud.)

Alice: Yatahi.

Chief: Yatahay. (He says something else in his native language.)

Alice: I’m afraid you took the advanced course.

Chief: My heart soars, Mrs.ady.

Alice: Oh, I’m not Mrs. Brady, I’m Alice.

Chief (confused): Mr. Brady has two squaws?

Alice: Oh, no, I’m not Mr. Brady’s squaw, I help Mrs. Brady. I’m sort of a squaw junior grade.

(Jimmy comes to join his grandfather.)

Jimmy: Hi.

Alice: Hi, you must be Jimmy.

Jimmy: That’s right.

Alice: Oh, I know a lot of people are going to be awfully glad to give you a great big yatahi.

(Jimmy takes Alice’s buckets to help her out.)

(Next, Jimmy and his grandfather are talking to Mike and Carol.)

Chief: Mr. Brady, because you brought my grandson back to me, I offer you thanks, many thanks.

Mike: I really didn’t do very much, Chief Eagle Cloud. I just talked to jimmy. He made the decision.

Chief: You helped him to decide. I offer you thanks.

Mike: You’re very welcome. Jim, did you speak to your grandfather?

Jimmy: Yeah, I did.

Chief: The foolishness of this child. He thinks because I speak of buffalo, I can’t understand blast off.

Carol: We have the same problem Chief Eagle Cloud, we call it the generation gap.

Chief: That’s what we call it too. (They laugh) He’s afraid to tell me that he wants to swoosh to the stars. In truth, if I were younger, I would want to swoosh too.

(All the kids come running up.)

Carol: These are our children. Children, this is Jimmy’s grandfather, Chief Eagle Cloud.

(They all say hi.)

Chief: Mr. Brady, you have large tribe. You are a man among men.

Carol: Well, he did have a little help, you know.

Chief (to the kids): I speak in honor of your father, I ask you to journey to our village tonight. In a ceremony, I will ask you to become members of our family and tribe. You younger folks will have a groovy time.

(The kids eagerly ask Mike for permission.)

Mike: Chief, I think we’ll all have a groovy time.

(The kids are all excited. That evening, they witness another rain dance. The camera shows each cast member enjoying the festivities. When the dance ends, Chief Eagle Cloud gets up to speak.)

Chief: Many moons ago our people came down on the rim of the canyon. Here inside the earth, who is our mother, we live in peace. We raise tall corn, race fast horses. We prosper. (He looks up and raises his hands) And now, O sun that shines, O moon that smiles, we wish our tribe to increase. I ask that you know this. All these people seated around this fire shall belong to my tribe from now until forever. And now, to the direction of the four winds. (He flings water in each direction) To the east, to the west, to the north, to the south. These are my people. I say this, and it is so.

Bobby (to Jimmy): What happens next?

Jimmy: You get a name.

Cindy: I already have a name.

Jimmy: You get an Indian name.

(The chief goes to each family member and gives them a name.)

Chief (to Mike): I give you a new name. in my tribe, you shall be called Goana Hotanya Goana Gonosa, Big Eagle of Large Nest. (Mike smiles as he moves on to Carol) I shall call you Yellow Flower With Many Petals.

Carol: That’s lovely.

(The chief moves to Greg.)

Chief: And you, I will call you Stocking Wolf.

Greg (pleased): That’s what all the girls call me too.

Chief (to peter): And you, my son, I will call you middle Buffalo.

Peter (incredulous): Middle Buffalo?

Chief: Sleeping Lizard.

Peter (in the same tone): Sleeping Lizard?

Chief: I get back to you. (he moves on to Cindy): I shall call you Wandering Blossom. (to Bobby) I call you Little Bear Who Loses Way. (He then moves to Jan) I call you Dove of Morning Light. (Jan smiles as he names Marcia) I call you Willow Dancing In Wind. (Marcia beams as he moves to Alice) I call you Squaw In Waiting.

Alice: Could you make that a short weight.

Chief: Now, new members of the tribe, custom demands that you must dance now. Dance now to show your joy.

(The Bradys all get up to dance as an Indian starts playing the drums and chanting.

Chief: Dance, all dance.

(They continue to dance as other Indians join in, and the scene fades out.)

(The final scene has the Bradys getting ready to leave the Grand Canyon.)

Greg: Dad, can we have one last look at the canyon?

(They all stand and look at the canyon from the top.)

Peter: It’s really something, huh?

Carol: You just never get tired of looking at it.

Mike (looking at his watch): I hate to say it, we better get started, gang.

(Next, the family is leaving the canyon as they drive up to the attendant.)

Cindy (to the attendant): remember us, we’re the Brady family.

Bobby: You mean we used to be, now we’re the Brady Braves.

(The family laughs as they drive away.)

                           THE END

untitled large tribe




S3 E2 Grand Canyon Or Bust

untitled brown

Grand Canyon Or Bust

Written by Tam Spiva

The Bradys are stranded in a ghost town en route to Grand canyon. Will they make it out of there alive? Let’s find out. I hope you enjoy the script.











ZACCARIAH T. BROWN, prospector in ghost town


(The episode picks up where we left off. The Bradys are still stranded in the ghost town, with Mike and Peter off to find help. Carol narrates the previous episode’s highlights, followed by flashbacks.)

(I hope Mike gets back soon with help. When we started out for Grand Canyon, who ever thought it would end like this. We all had so much fun driving along. Our mistake was stopping in this ghost town and meeting that old prospector. He seemed harmless enough, until he locked us in the jail because he thought we were gonna steal his gold claim, then he drove off in our car. We finally managed to break out of the jail, but we were still stranded without a car, food or water. And that’s when Mike and Peter left to get help. What if we’re stranded here?)

Carol: Well look, Alice, we’re not doing nay good just sitting around, why don’t we do something to try and get help.

Alice: Like what?

Carol: Well look, you round up the kids and, well, I’ll think of something.

(The scene fades. The next scene has Greg and Bobby entering an old shop.)

Bobby: Boy, I bet we can find lots of loose boards for the signal fire in here.

Greg: Yeah, listen, why don’t we… (He notices an old phone) Bobby, look at this.

Bobby: Think it works?

Greg (trying it out): Nah. (He figures out) Maybe it could. (He shows Bobby wires) Bobby, you see these wires? this phone ran off a battery of those kind. I think we can fix it. Come on.

Bobby: Where we going?

Greg: To get all our flashlight batteries and some tape.

(They leave the shop while Carol and Cindy fetch for water.)

Carol: Well, one thing’s for sure, Cindy, if we’re going to be stranded here in Cactus Creek, we’re going to need some extra water. (They stop at a pump) Here.

(She hands her a bucket.)

Cindy: Do you think there’s any water in this thing?

Carol: Well, they used to get water out of it. We won’t know until we give it a try, will we? Okay.

(She uses the pump to put water in the bucket.)

Cindy: Let me help, Mom.

Carol: Okay. At a girl.

(They keep pumping and Carol thinks they are succeeding.)

Carol: Hey, we really got it going.

(Alice, Carol and Marcia are trying to put something on the ground to catch the attention of an airplane.)

Alice: Let’s hope an airplane flies over.

Marcia: How can we possibly spell out help on the ground? It’s too hard!

Alice: The sun has baked this ground as hard as one of my biscuits. (Betsy, the donkey, lets out a bray) If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

Marcia: What we need is one of those whatchamacallits. You know. (She makes a blumming sound and gesture) A jackhammer.

Jan: Hey, I just remembered, I saw an old plow down the street.

Alice: A plow? Plow?

(She gets an idea. Alice and the girls act friendly to Betsy, hoping she’ll plow the word help for them. However, she seems to be un-co-operative.)

Jan: Come on, Betsy, please?

Alice: Stubborn old goat.

Marcia: She won’t move, Alice.

Alice: We’ve got to plow the word help.

Jan: But if Betsy won’t pull the plow, how are we going to get it pulled?

(Next, they show Alice pulling the plow, with Marcia and Jan behind her. She doesn’t succeed.)

Alice: Okay kids, you can put me out to pasture. I’ve had it. (Betsy brays again) i know just how you feel, honey.

(Marcia and Jan help her get up. Meanwhile, Carol and Cindy are still at the water pumper.)

Cindy: I think it’s coming, Mom.

Carol: Yeah! Good old H20! (The pumper lets out dust) Yep, good old H20.

Cindy: We’d better collect wood for the signal fire.

Carol: Yeah, I think you’re right.

(She pours the dust from the bucket to the ground. Greg and Bobby put batteries in the old phone.)

Greg: I hope this works. (He puts the last battery in) This is it.

Bobby: You going to try it now?

Greg: Yeah. Boy, now I know just how Alexander Graham Bell must have felt. Here we go.

(She dials and hears it ring.)

Bobby: Is it working?

Greg: Yeah, yeah, I hear it ringing.

(Cindy hears a phone ringing when she goes inside to collect wood. She picks the phone up.)

Cindy: Hello.

Greg (yelling): Help us, please help us! We’re trapped out here in the desert in a ghost town!

Cindy: That’s funny, so are we.

(A confused Greg hangs up the phone. We next see Bobby and Cindy carrying over some wood for the fire.)

Carol: That’s it. Bring it right over here. Swing it around, Bobby, that’s it. Hold on to it, that’s it. Just be careful, now. Put it down carefully. There we go. Okay, well, I guess we better light this fire and hope somebody sees the smoke.

(They hear a horn beeping and see it’s Mike, who returned with Peter and Mr. Brown. All the kids cheer.)

Carol: Mike, what happened?

Mike (getting out of the car): Well, it’s kind of difficult to explain. I think Mr. Brown better tell you.

Brown: Well, I’m terribly sorry if I, uh, gave you a turn, ma’am. It’s just that I figured you were going to jump my gold claim and I wanted to get it to town to file it before you did. I was coming back, honest I was.

Mike: That’s true, honey. We met him on the road coming back.

Brown: Now don’t be too hard on me, ma’am, I’ve just been worried sick about this gold claim I’ve been digging here for years. I haven’t dug enough gold to fill a tooth on a prairie dog.

Carol: Well, I guess all is forgiven.

Brown: Well, I’d better be… oh, before I do, for the use of the automobile, I’m going to give you 10% of my claim.

Mike: Look, that’s not necessary, like I said before, we don’t want your gold.

Bobby: Sure we do, Dad.

Brown: Sure, sure, all legalized. Now, it’s signed and everything. All you got to do is fill in the details, that’s all. I’ll be on my way.

(The whole family bids him good-bye as he takes off with Betsy.)

Greg: What does it say?

Carol (disappointed): Hey, there’s just an X here, only an X.

(They all laugh.)

Brown: Come on, Bessie, let’s go. Come on, there. We’re going to hit it yet. Don’t worry.

(He waves good-bye to them once again.)

Carol: Well, I guess we can get going again, huh?

Alice: Yeah, good-bye, ghost town. Hello, Grand Canyon.

(All the kids cheer and they get in the car. They drive along singing Clementine. They make a stop as Bobby goes to the bathroom. As they get closer to the canyon, they are greeted by a young, attractive attendant.)

Mike: Hi.

Attendant: Hi. (She hands Mike an entry pass) Have a good time.

(They all bid her good-bye and continue. They arrive at the campsite.)

Bobby: Is this it? Is this it?

Cindy: Do we see it here?

Carol: No, this isn’t it, either. This is where we park our trailer and make our camp.

(They drive a little further, finally arriving.)

Cindy: When do we see it?

Bobby: Is this it? Is this it?

Carol: Yes everybody, on the right. This is it.

(They marvel at how beautiful and exciting it looks.)

Mike: Okay, we’ll pull up here and stop and take a closer look.

(They all get out of the car and see the canyon from the top.)

Mike: Hang together.

Carol: Now, kids.

Mike: Hey!

Carol: Wait! Now, don’t get too far ahead, kids! Wait for us! Come on, Alice.

Peter: Look at this great place. You can see everything here.

(They all take a look from the top and are greatly amazed.)

Bobby: Boy, this really is it.

Greg: Wow, would you look at that.

Marcia: I never imagined it would be this beautiful.

Carol (to Jan): Do you know what the Indian name for Grand Canyon means?

Jan: What?

Carol: It means mountains lying down.

(Jan examines the canyon a little closer.)

Jan: That’s just what it looks like, mountains lying down.

Carol: It’s one of the seven natural wonders of the world.

Peter (pointing): Hey, look, Dad. There’s water down there.

Mike: Sure.

Greg: That’s the Colorado River. That’s what dug the whole canyon.

Mike: Just think of it, thousands of years of constantly running water did all that.

Peter: Wow, no wonder you don’t like us to leave the water faucets dripping.

(Greg and Mike laugh. Alice reads something to Bobby and Cindy.)

Alice: And the guidebook says it’s 218 miles long, it’s 18 miles across at its widest point and it’s over a mile deep.

Bobby: Wow, a mile deep.

Cindy: How could they measure it?

Bobby: Easy, just grab a tape measure and jump.

(Bobby pretends to jump over the railing. Alice stops him.)

Alice: Bobby!

Jan: I wish we didn’t have to sleep at the campground, I’d kind of like to sleep right her eon the rim.

Carol: Well, that sounds very nice, but I wouldn’t want to wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

(They both laugh.)

Mike: Come on, everybody, there’s a lot more to see, and remember now, let’s all stay together. Grand Canyon is a mighty big place.

(They all start to move on.)

Mike: Help you, Alice?

Alice: I can manage, thank you.

(Next, they are driving by a railroad station.)

Bobby: Boy, that’s a real old looking railroad station.

Marcia: That must have been built in the 1800s.

Greg: Probably 1870.

Alice: 1881. (Everyone looks at her) That was from the guide book, I was not a passenger.

(They all laugh. They come to another side of the canyon.)

Carol: Hey, come on everybody, here’s another great view of the canyon. It’s beautiful.

Mike: I’m going to take a group picture. Everybody line up against the wall.

Carol (to the kids): Daddy’s going to take a picture.

Mike: Get together. Alice, look this way. Smile! (He snaps the camera) Got it.

(Next, they see the Indians doing the rain dance.)

Cindy: Are those real Indians?

Carol: Of course they are, they’re Hopi Indians.

Marcia: Isn’t the dancing exciting?

Jan: Yeah, it’s real mysterious, too.

Alice: Oh, it’s not so mysterious. I’d dance like that too, if I was barefoot on a hot rock.

Bobby: What are they dancing for?

Mike: It’s a rain dance, Bob. A long time ago that’s how they used to pray for rain.

Peter: Do you think this rain dance stuff really works?

Greg: Nah, they just do it for the tourists.

(Just then, it started to rain. The next morning, they wake up to the sun shining.)

Mike: Look at that sunrise.

Carol: Gorgeous. Oh, did I sleep last night.

Marcia: Me too. Isn’t the air beautiful?

Greg: I’ll bet our lungs are wondering what happened to all the smog.

Mike: Well, let’s get going. We’re going to the bottom of the canyon this morning.

Alice: Ooh, that’s great. I didn’t know you could drive down there.

Carol: You can’t, Alice. We’re going down on mules.

Alice: Mules?

(Alice looks down at the distance and gets worried.)

Mike: What’s the matter, Alice? You’re afraid of mules?

Alice: Oh, no, I’m not afraid of them, I’m, I’m allergic to them.

Carol: Oh.

Alice: Well, at least part of me is.

Carol (to the family): Come on.

(They all go to take their trip down the canyon and the scene fades.)

untitled gc

(The next scene has the family preparing to go down the canyon on mules.)

Mike: All right everybody, remember, do exactly what the muleskinner says.

Alice (to her mule): I’ll do what the muleskinner says if you will. Is that a deal? (The mule gives no response) I’m the boss. Okay, take it easy, wait a minute. (She manages to get on but backwards)  Hey, where did everybody go?

(The next scene shows the family going down the canyon. They finally make it down and Mike and the boys are setting up camp. Greg and Peter are coming out of the tent.)

Greg: Well, you and Mom are set now.

Mike: Yeah. Well, listen, we better go and set up the cooking gear for Alice now, okay?

Peter: Aren’t the girls going to do any work?

Mike: Peter, after dinner, when it’s time to do the dishes, we men are going to get even.

Greg: Yeah, well, make sure they don’t forget it. Come on, Pete. The sooner we finish this, the sooner we can go exploring.

(Mike offers them some wter.)

Mike: Want some?

Greg; No, thanks.

Mike: Oh, wait a minute. Listen, I’ve already reminded the rest of the kids. This isn’t a playground down here, you know. It’s a wilderness that could be dangerous so you stay inside of camp and don’t go wandering off, okay?

Greg; We will, Dad. Come on, Pete.

Mike: Remember.

(Carol and Alice are putting sleeping bags in their tent.)

Carol: That’s two. (He hands Alice another sleeping bag) That’s three.  (She puts another one in) And that’s…

Alice (emerging from the tent): It, Mrs. Brady! We’re wall to wall sleeping bags in here now.

Mike (coming up to Carol): Well, you all, squared away?

Carol: Well, we’ve taken care of the girls and the boys are gonna sleep outdoors.

Mike: Yeah? Well, what do you think of Yatahay flats?

Alice: Yatawho?

Mike: Yatahay. Indian word, means hello or welcome.

Alice: Oh, that’s good to know. It’ll come in handy if I happen to bump into Tonto.

(Mike and Carol laugh.)

Mike: Well, what do you think?

Carol: Well, I can’t think of any other place I’d rather be.

(She hugs Mike.)

Mike: You can’t, huh, Well, it’s all yours for the next three days. That’s when the muleskinner comes back with the mules to take us back up.

Alice: Three days, huh.

Carol: Now Alice, you didn’t really mind that mule ride, did you?

Alice: Oh, no, Mrs. Brady, I didn’t bother me at all. In fact, just toward the end I was really beginning to break my stride. I better start getting dinner ready.

(Alice walks off and her butt is seemingly sore form the ride.)

Carol (laughing): Poor Alice, I better give her a hand with dinner.

(She joins Alice and her butt has the same effect.)

Mike (laughing to himself): Poor Alice, poor Carol.

(He walks to the tent with the same result.)

(Bobby is looking for dinosaur fossils. Cindy joins him.)

Cindy: What you looking for?

Bobby: A dinosaur fossil.

Cindy: What’s a dinosaur fossil?

Bobby: It’s a real old animal, it’s real big and it’s hard as rock.

Cindy: Bet they make rotten pets.

Bobby: They’re not alive anymore, they’re just bones.

(Cindy gives a seething look as they move on to find more.)

Bobby: Come on, Cindy.

(They run into Jimmy, an Indian boy.)

Bobby: Hi.

(Jimmy runs away.)

Cindy: Gee, an Indian boy.

Bobby: Come on, let’s follow him.

(They chase after Jimmy. Meanwhile, the rest of the family is back at camp. Greg comes running back in hysteria after he unsuccessfully tries to find them.)

Greg: Dad, I can’t find them anywhere, I looked and yelled for them, and there’s no answer.

Mike: Didn’t I tell you kids not to wander away from camp?

Carol: Where do you suppose they could be?

Mike: Oh, honey, I don’t know. Well, why don’t we divide up into groups and we’ll go look for them. Greg, you and Jan go with your Mom. Peter, you and Marcia come with me. Alice will be here in case they come back on their own, okay? (a little more sternly) Remember, you stay with your groups, right?

Jan: Okay.

Greg: Come on.

Carol: Mike, it’s going to be dark soon.

Mike: Don’t worry, we’ll find them, come on.

(Meanwhile, Bobby and Cindy give up on Jimmy and realize they need to go back.)

Bobby: Wow, he just disappeared.

Cindy: Maybe we better go back now, it’s getting dark.

Bobby: Yeah.

(He tries to figure out how to get back.)

Cindy: Don’t you nw the way back?

Bobby: Sure I do. Didn’t we come that way? (He points to one direction but is unsure) Maybe it was that way. I guess I don’t know.

(Meanwhile, Mike, Peter and Marcia are trying to find them.)

Peter (calling): Bobby!

Marcia: Cindy!

Peter: It’s like they just disappeared.

Mike: Maybe your mom’s found them. (He calls) Bobby!, Cindy! Come on, kids.

(Bobby and Cindy are wandering around aimlessly.)

Cindy: I’m tired. (to Bobby) This is all your fault, you wanted to chase after that Indian boy.

Bobby: How was I supposed to know we’d get lost? Don’t worry, Cindy. Things are beginning to look familiar, our camp is that way.

Cindy: We already went that way.

Bobby: Maybe we went this way. Come on.

(Mike is still looking for them with Marcia and Peter.)

Mike: Bobby!

Marcia: Bobby!, Cindy!

Peter: What is it, Dad?

Mike: Well, I’m a little worried about the time.

Marcia: It’ll be night soon, won’t it?

Peter: If it gets any darker, we’ll never find them.

Marcia: All right, easy kids, Come on, let’s keep looking.

(Carol, Greg and Jan are also looking for them.)

Carol: Bobby! Cindy! (She notices how long and far the canyon is.) Oh kids, please, answer. Please answer.

(Cut back to Mike, Marcia and Peter.)

Mike: Bobby! Cindy!

Peter: I hope they didn’t fall off a cliff or something.

Marcia: They couldn’t have fallen off a cliff, we’re at the bottom of the canyon.

Peter: Well, if we don’t find them soon, we’ll freeze out here.

Mike: Oh Peter, nobody’s going to freeze out here, it doesn’t get that cold. Besides, we’re going to find them anyway. Now, let’s keep on looking and think positive.

Marcia: Right, Dad.

Peter: I hope they didn’t run into a mountain lion.

Mike; Come on, come on.

(Bobby and Cindy are still wandering around, not knowing where they are.)

Bobby: Don’t cry, Cindy. We’ll get out of here.

Cindy: Maybe there are wild animals around here.

Bobby: Maybe there aren’t.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has the rest of the family still looking for Bobby and Cindy.)

Peter: Bobby!

Marcia: Cindy!

Mike: Bobby! Cindy! Come on, kids.

Carol: Bobby! Cindy!

(The camera shows Bobby and Cindy sitting on a rock, hopeless of being found.)

                                        END OF PART 2

untitled jimmy

S3 E1 Ghost Town U.S.A.

untitled ghost town

Ghost Town U.S.A.

Written by Howard Leeds

The Bradys head for a trip to the Grand canyon but wind up stranded in an old ghost town. Hope you enjoy the script.











Gas attendant

ZACCARIAH T. BROWN, prospector

(The episode begins with Alice vacuuming the living room/dining area. Jan comes down the stairs to speak to her.)

Jan: Alice, (Alice doesn’t hear her) Alice, (she still can’t hear so Jan gets closer to her) Alice! (Alice turns around startled) Oh, I’m sorry, did I scare you?

Alice: Oh, no, I always jump like that like I vacuum the living room?

Jan (laughing): Listen, Alice, Mom and Dad must’ve told you something about the surprise.

Alice: All they said was they were bringing home a big surprise, and we’d all get to see it when they get here.

Jan: Alice, Alice, if you give me a little hint, I’ll tell you a big secret.

Alice: Honey, I really don’t know what it is, honest. Look, please, do me a favor, go tell your brothers and sisters not to bother pumping me, the well is dry.

(Jan goes back up the stairs and Alice resumes vacuuming. She shakes her head no to the boys while passing their room and goes in her room with Marcia and Cindy.  She makes the same gesture to them, causing them to sulk. Mike and Carol come home while Alice is still vacuuming.)

Carol: Alice. (She taps her and startles her again) Sorry, Alice.

Alice: Oh, that’s all right. I just got to learn to be more touchable.

Mike: Well, we finally got home.

Alice: And just in the nick of time, too.

Carol: Is something wrong?

Alice: Yes, there certainly is. You have got six children and one housekeeper dying of a disease called curiosity.

Mike (laughing): Well, I’ve got just the cure for that. (calling) Hey, kids, come on down!Marcia, Greg.

Alice (to Carol): You care to give me a little hint?

Carol: Not particularly.

(The kids all come running downstairs.)

Peter: Here we come.

(All the other kids inquire what the surprise is.)

Mike: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes, it’s for all of you. The surprise is for the whole family and if you hold it down to a dull roar, I’m gonna show you. Come on.

Carol: Come on, over here. (They lead the kids to the door) All of you, look out the window there. Alice, you too, you’re gonna see a big surprise.

Mike: Wala, the surprise.

(He opens the shades and the kids see a huge camper.)

Peter: It’s the big building down kind.

Mike: Hey, hey, hey, we’re all gonna go on a great big trip to Grand Canyon!

(The kids get excited as the scene fades.)

(That evening, Mike and the boys are in the garage sorting out sleeping bags and other camping equipment.)

Mike: Greg, listen, I want you to open all these bags up and make sure they’re in good condition.

Greg: Okay, Dad.

Bobby: Gee, I can’t wait to get started. Grand Canyon, wow.

Mike: Well, it’s not just the canyon, Bob. We can learn all about the Indian tribes who lived there, like the Havasupai, the Hopi, the Hualapai, the Navajo .

Peter: How did they get such strange names?

Mike: Well, each name means something, Pete. Like Havasupai means great people of blue, green running water.

Bobby: How about my name, Dad. Does Bobby mean anything?

Peter (petulantly): Yeah, it means little man with great big, running mouth.

(Bobby starts to push Peter.)

Mike: Hey, hey, come on, a little work done here.

(Upstairs in the girls room, they are also talking about the trip and getting prepared.)

Marcia: Gee, I can’t wait to get there.

Jan: Yeah, it really must be beautiful.

Cindy: I want to meet the Indians and see the cabooses.

Marcia: That’s papooses, a caboose is the back end of a train.

Cindy: Oh, I thought it was the back end of an Indian.

(Marcia and Jan laugh. Carol comes in.)

Carol: How’s it going girls?

Girls: Fine.

Jan: We’re packing.

Carol: Good, now mostly sweaters and jeans. And remember, we leave bright and early in the morning.

Marcia: Can we do to the bottom of the canyon too, Mom?

Carol: Sure, that’s the most exciting part of the trip. One mile, straight down.

Jan: Wow.

Cindy: How do we get down there?

Carol: That’s what makes it exciting. We ride down by mule train.

Cindy (getting excited): Oh, good.

Marcia: Boy.

Jan: What’s so funny?

Marcia: Can you see Alice on a mule?

Cindy (to Carol): She won’t even ride on the merry-go-round with me.

Carol: Listen, girls, I think we better wait for the best psychological moment to tell Alice about the mule.

Marcia: When?

Carol: When she’s sitting on it.

(They all laugh. The next day, the family is ready to go. Mike locks the doors to the house.)

Carol (walking to the station wagon with Mike): Okay, kids, are you all set?

Mike: Come on, load up.

Carol: Everybody in.

(The kids all get inside the car. Mike gets in the driver’s seat.)

Mike (calling): Uh. hey! hey! Listen, one last check, are you sure you took care of every detail you were supposed to? (the kids all answer yes) Are you positive you haven’t forgotten anything? (they all agreed) Okay, Grand Canyon, here we come.

(They take off but it turns out they left the camper behind. We next see them on the road with the camper in tow, singmg “Row, row, row your boat”. They stop off at a gas station.)

Mike: Kids, listen, don’t dally, because I want to make that trailer camp by nighfall.

(Mike is met by a friendly gas attendant.)

Attendant: Howdy, you got it a little rough, sir?

Mike: Yeah, we got a long way to go, thanks.

Attendant: Good.

(Bobby goes to ask him about the bathroom.)

Bobby: Hey, mister, where is the…

Attendant: It’s right up the stairs there, little buddy.

Cindy: Hey, mister.

Attendant: There’s one up there for you, too.

(They go upstairs to relieve themselves, as does Alice.)

Attendant: Where are you folks all headed for?

Carol: Grand Canyon.

Attendant: Boy, that place sure gets crowded this time of year. Even the squirrels need reservations. (He laughs) Don’t you get it? Even the squirrels need…

Carol: Yeah, we get it.

Mike: So, we’ll be camping out.

Attendant: That’s great.

Carol: Listen, is there anything interesting to see around this area?

Attendant: No, not too much outside of Cactus Creek.

Mike: Cactus Creek?

Attendant: Yeah, it used to be an gold boom there, ain’t nothing but an old ghost town now. Been deserted for years.

Peter (excited): Ghost town?

Greg: Dad, why don’t we stop by…

(The other kids request to see the ghost town as well. Cindy goes over to join Carol.)

Mike: How far is this Cactus Creek?

Attendant: Well, let’s see, straight down the highway, first dirt road turnoff, make a left, go about 20 miles.

Carol: Oh, gee, we’ll never make the trailer camp by nightfall.

Greg: Why don’t we camp out at the ghost town tonight instead.

(The other kids agree.)

Mike (to Carol): What do you think, honey?

Carol: Well, if that’s what everybody wants, it’s okay with me.

(All the kids cheer. They all get into the car as the attendant totals their bill.)

Attendant: Well, let’s see. With the drinks that’ll be $6.50.

Mike: Okay.

Attendant: Cash money if you don’t mind.

Mike: Okay. (He takes six dollars out) Six (he then takes 50 cents) 50.

Attendant: There we go.

Mike: Thanks.

Attendant: Thank you, I appreciate the business. (He turns to the kids) All right, you kids, now don’t let a ghost get you. (They laugh along with him) So long, now. Bye, bye, have a good time.

(They start to take off but then realize they forgot somebody.)

Mike (yelling): Alice!

(Alice runs down and joins them.)

Alice: I thought I heard you drive off.

(They drive to the ghost town while singing “The Gang’s All Here”, until they arrive. The kids start to admire it.)

Cindy: Can we go look around, Daddy?

Mike: No, first we have to set up camp. Come on, on the double. Everybody pitches in.

Jan (to Carol): Sure is a neat old ghost town.

Alice: I don’t like that word, ghost town.

(We next see the family setting up camp and getting everything together as Zaccariah Brown, an old prospector, watches from the upstairs balcony of an abandoned house as the scene fades out.)

untitled zack t

(The next scene shows the boys walking around and talking.)

Peter: I bet we’re the only ones who ever camped out in a ghost town.

Greg: Hey, look.

(They go up to a stagecoach.)

Peter: Stand by and I’ll take a picture of you.

(Bobby climbs up on the stagecoach.)

Greg: I got a better idea. We’ll make a movie. The great stagecoach robbery.

Peter: Who’s gonna be the crook?

Bobby: You. You got shifty eyes.

Greg (calling): Marcia, Jan, Cindy!

(They come running.)

Marcia: Yeah.

Greg: You wanna be in a movie.

Peter: The great stagecoach robbery.

Girls: Oh yeah, that be fun.

Bobby: I wanna be the stagecoach driver.

Greg: Okay, Bobby, climb up. Peter, you’re the crook, right?

Bobby (teasing): That’s because he’s got shifty eyes.

Peter: You’re gonna be the first guy I shoot.

Greg: Okay, you guys, let’s start the robbery.

Peter: Okay. Marcia, can I borrow your scarf.

Marcia: Sure.

Greg: Marcia, you be the new school marm who’s coming into town. And Jan and Cindy, (Pause) two dance hall girls who’s coming to work in the saloon.

Jan: Okay.

(She and Cindy put their arms around each other and do a dance.)

Greg (aggravated): All right, all right. Come on, let’s get up in the stagecoach. Everybody up. Listen, everybody stick their heads out the window.

Marcia: Just get up and sit in.

Greg: Yeah, right. (He helps the girls get in and then turns to Peter) Listen, when I say action Peter, you run in on your horse and stick them up.

Peter: Okay.

(Peter goes to his position and Greg starts to shoot.)

Greg: All right everyone, action.

(Peter runs up to the stagecoach.)

Peter: Stick ’em up, hands high.

(The girls and also Bobby put their hands up.)

Greg: Bobby, you’re supposed to protect the gold and your passengers, protest.

Bobby: You can’t hold us up. (Peter pretends to shoot him) You shoot me again and I’m gonna get mad.

Greg: Bobby, you’re shot, die.

Bobby: I don’t wanna die yet, I just started acting.

Greg: I said to die.

Bobby (reluctantly): Okay.

(Peter pretends to shoot him again and Bobby makes gestures that he’s dying as the girls pretend to look on with horror.)

Greg (impatient): Would you die already?

(Bobby finally pretends to die as Mr. Brown watches from a store across from them.)

Peter: Okay, everyone out and make it quick.

(The girls all come out.)

Greg: Get their jewelry, Peter.

Peter: Give me all your jewelry, everything.

Greg: Dance hall girls, flirt with him so he won’t take your jewelry.

(Jan and Cindy go up to him.)

Jan (to Peter): You’re kinda cute.

Alice (calling): Okay kids, Greg ,Marcia, everybody. (She whistles and taps her pan) Chowtime, come and get it. (She makes that noise with her teeth again.)

Carol: Boy, that ought to raise a few ghosts around here.

Greg: Come on, we can finish the robbery after we eat.

(They join Alice and their parents as Mr. Brown continues to watch them.)

Peter: This is really great chicken, Alice.

(The family agrees.)

Alice: Anybody want seconds? plenty of fried chicken here.

(They all decline, suggesting they are full. Mr. Brown sneaks up and takes the last piece Alice left out for them. Alice discovers it missing.)

Alice (to herself): Either my eyes are playing tricks on me or that chicken leg got up and walked away.

(We next see Mr. Brown talking to his mule, Betsy, seemingly his only companion.)

Brown: They’re quirked if they plan to stay a while. Yes sir, I wonder how they heard about my stripe, huh. That won’t happen again. No sir, I know just how to outslick them slickers. (He snickers) Put a big smile on your face, Betsy? And don’t do nothing suspicious, there you go.

(He offers her a bite of chickens and Betsy lets out a bray. We show the family still enjoying their dinner and time together.)

Cindy: If this is a ghost town, when do we get to see the ghosts?

Carol (laughing): there aren’t really any ghosts, Cindy.

Alice: Absolutely, no ghosts.

Mike: They call it a ghost town because that’s all that’s left, just a memory of what used to be.

(Mr. Brown comes to meet the family.)

Brown: Howdy folks. (They get startled by him and Betsy.) Well now, I didn’t mean to frighten you, just wanted to welcome you. Brown’s my name, Zaccariah T. Me and Betsy wanna welcome you to Cactus Creek.

(Mike rises to shake his hand.)

Mike: Thank you, Mr. Brown, Brady’s the name. This is my wife, family and Alice.

(The family all say hi.)

Brown: Seems like you got away with chicken, ma’am, I ain’t eaten in three days.

Alice (suspicious): There are crumbs in your whiskers.

Brown: I haven’t washed in three days either.

(He follows his remark with a horselaugh, the family joins in.)

Mike: Would you care to join us in a bite, Mr. Brown?

Brown: Oh, yes, yes, yes, just to be friendly. (to the family) Well, what are you doing in these parts? We don’t often see strangers.

Carol: Well, we’re just passing through on our way to the Grand Canyon.

Bobby: We’re gonna find some gold.

Brown: I kinda figured that, young man.

Greg: Were you here during the big gold boom, Mr. Brown?

Brown: Well, my granddaddy he made the first strike and then he built this town. Uh, I tell you the stories I could tell you would keep you bug eyed.

(The kids begged him to tell some stories.)

Carol: We really would love to hear some, Mr. Brown.

Brown: Well, I might be able to if I had the right kind of encouragement (chicken).

Mike: Uh, Alice, do we have any more encouragement left there?

Alice: He’s got a choice. Would you like to be encouraged by the neck or the part that goes over the fence lattice?

Brown (laughing): I never could make decisions. I’ll take both kinds.

(Alice happily gets him more chicken and he shows them around the ghost town.)

Brown: Now, this whole belonged to my granddaddy. (He shows them an old blacksmith) Now, now this here, this here is the blacksmith. A smithy named Murphy, strongest man I ever saw. He used to pick up a horse with one arm and he would shoe it with the other.

Mike (laughing): You wouldn’t kid a man,  would you, Mr. Brown.

Brown: No, no, terrible thing about Murphy, he got killed, holding up a train.

Alice: Did he get shot?

Brown: No, he held it up as long as he could, and it fell on him.

(They all laugh. He shows them another part of the town.)

Brown: Now, this here is what you might call a visitor. I tell you, fancy people in carriages. I tell you, it was really something in the old days.

Alice: Is this the saloon where you used to whoop it up?

Brown: What, the saloon? Oh yeah. We all had some real window rattlers in there. I tell you, boys would come down from the hills in the bags of gold, drinking, shooting and gambling, (a little louder) drinking, shooting and gambling, (he takes his hat off) except for Sunday, no gambling.

Carol: Really very touching, Mr. Brown.

Brown: I’ll tell you something very few folks know. Kind of a crooked poker game in there, Jesse James went to jail for the first time in his life.

Peter (excited): Jesse James!

Brown: Yes sir, the one and only Jesse James.

Mike: I never knew Jesse James was ever in this part of the country.

Brown: Mr. Brady, are you gonna believe me or those phony history books? I can prove it, follow me and I’ll show you. Come on, follow me, let’s go. (He leads them to the old county jail) Yes sir, you can’t believe everything you read in them history books. You’re in the old west, you wanna know. He sure lived in there, Jesse James. And I’ll tell you something, I can prove it. Absolutely. Jesse James carved his initials right in the wall of this here jail.

Carol: Can we see it?

Brown: Of course you can see it. (He opens the door and lets them in) Here you are, right in here. That is where you will see that, then you’ll know what I’m talking about. Right in the cell there. (They all go inside the cell) go right over there to the cot.

Carol: We don’t see anything.

Brown: Of course you can’t see, over there in the corner. Now, all of you, move the cot, that’s it.

(Once they all turn their backs, he locks the cell. They all turn around in shock.)

Carol: Hey, what are you doing?

Brown: What am I doing? I’m stopping you slickers from stealing my claim, that’s what I’m doing.

Carol: What claim?

Brown: What claim? My gold claim.

Mike: We don’t want any of your gold.

Bobby: Sure we do, Dad.

Mike (sternly): Bobby.

Brown: I’ll take his word for it.

Carol: Look Mr. (Pause) Brown, I can assure we have no interest…

Brown: You think you can put one over on Zaccariah T. Brown, did you. Well, you got another thing coming. You’d have to get up early in the morning. You better believe it.

(He runs out and leaves them in the cell.)

Carol: Hey!

(Mr. Brown goes and takes their car and camper. The family watches helplessly.)

Mike: He’s taking the car and the trailer. (He shouts) Hey!

Carol (pleading): Mike, do something!

Mike: It’s all right, honey. I’m sure we can break out of here. The bars must be rusted halfway through.

(He tries to break open the bars. He has the kids stand back.)

Carol: Watch out, kids.

(He tries unsuccessfully to break the bars open.)

Mike: That’s pretty strong rust.

Carol: Honey, what are we gonna do?

(The family is still in the cell, trying to figure out a way out of there.)

Carol: There must be a way out.

Bobby: Hey Dad, think we can use the key?

Mike: What key?

Bobby: The one hanging on the post, I just noticed it.

(Mike and the rest of the family see the key as well.)

Greg: I thought that nutty old prospector took the key.

Mike: He did. I saw him take it.

Peter: There’s two of them. One for the sheriff and one for the deputy.

Mike: Oh.

Peter: Sure, that’s always the way it is in westerns.

Carol: Well, that’s it then. All we have to do is get (Pause) The key.

Bobby: I’ve seen a lot of cowboy movies. All we have to do is wait for our gang to ride into town and bust us out.

Carol: Oh, Bobby.

Greg: We don’t have a gang dum-dum.

Peter: Hey, wait a second. I once saw a western where a guy was in jail. (He goes to the window to demonstrate) He went over to the window and whistled for his horse.

(Peter whistles as the rest of the family is about to scoff.)

Greg: Off again.

Peter: He took the rope off the saddle and made a great big lasso, then went over to the bars, and tied it on.

Mike: Wait a minute! I think I got it!

Carol: What?

Mike: Who’s got a belt?

Carol: Well, I do honey, but what do you need a belt for?

Mike: To make a rope. If you can rope a steer or a horse, why not a key?

(The next scene has Mike trying to get the key from the post, using Carol’s belt, but without much success. When he finally gets it to hit the post, the belt separates into two pieces.)

Mike: Well, we’ll have to go along with plan B.

Alice: What’s plan B?

(We next show the Bradys in bare feet, as Mike took their shoes and socks for bait to get the key. Mike throws their shoes, hoping to hit the key and knock it down.)

Mike: Okay, now for the big guns.

(He grabs a pair of boots.)

Carol: Keep your fingers crossed.

(He misses with the first boot, but succeeds with the next, as everyone cheers.)

Mike: Okay, okay, now we’ll put those socks to use.

(He takes the socks and ties them together, to make a line with Carol’s purse to lure the key to them, so he can open the door and get them out.)

Carol: Boy, it’s a good thing I had my purse with me.

(Mike puts the bag over the key and uses the socks to bring it to them.)

Mike: Okay, come on, come on, easy, that’s it. come on.

(The Bradys are next seen coming out of the jail.)

Carol: Hey, kids, come here.

Mike: Kids.

Carol: We’re free but we’re still stranded, remember.

Mike: Honey, I’m gonna try to walk down to the main road to see if I can flag somebody down.

Carol (annoyed): Mike, that’s 20 miles from here.

Mike: Well, I can’t think of any other way. besides, if it gets too hot, I’ll (Pause) rest during the day and (Pause) walk at night.

Carol: Well, I don’t like the idea but, I guess you’re right.

Greg: Can I go with you, Dad? You always say no one should hike alone.

Mike: Greg, I need a man to stay behind and watch out for the others and I’m kinda counting on you to do that, okay.

Greg: All right.

Peter: Then can I go, Dad?

Mike: You think you’re up to it?

Peter: I sure am.

Mike: Okay.

Alice: I’ll give the canteens some water.

(Carol goes to kiss Mike and Peter goodbye.)

Carol (to Mike): We’ll be waiting and (to Peter) you be careful.

(The scene fades. the final scene for the first part of the episode has Carol looking at her watch, with Alice sitting and waiting.)

Alice: I wonder if they reached the highway yet, how long have they been gone anyway?

Carol: 20 minutes.

Alice: How time flies when you’re having fun.

Carol (to herself): No water, no food, what if Mike and Peter can’t make it to the highway? What’s gonna happen to them? To all of us?

                              END OF PART 1

untitled jail

S3 E24 Tell It Like It Is

b.untitled next story

Tell It Like It Is

Written by Charles Hoffman

Carol submits a story to a local magazine about her life with the Bradys. I hope you enjoy the script.











MR. DELAFIELD, editor of magazine

WALLY WITHERSPOON, staff reporter

NORA MAYNARD, staff reporter

(The episode begins with Mike waking up in the middle of the night. he realizes Carol is not in the bed with him. He starts to worry.)

Mike: Carol.

(He checks the boys room, then the girls room. He then goes down the stairs.)

Mike: Carol, Carol.

(He notices the door open and light on in his den. He goes in to take a look. Carol is sitting in a chair and writing something.)

Carol (looking up): Mike, you frightened me.

Mike: I frightened you? Honey, I looked all over the place for you, except the doghouse.

Carol: Well, I’m sorry, honey. I just couldn’t sleep.

Mike: That’s kind of hard to do, sitting under a bright light writing something. What’s that?

Carol: What is what?

Mike: What you’re writing there?

Carol: Oh, it’s just, something.

Mike: Honey, it’s a quarter to two in the morning. What could you possibly be writing?

Carol: Well, I, uh, I just don’t feel like talking about it. Not now.

Mike: Well, if that’s the way you feel. Is that the way you feel?

Carol: Yes, that’s the way I feel. I, I don’t mean to sound mysterious, but…

Mike: Well, that’s okay. You gonna come to bed?

Carol: All right, darling. (She heads to the door but turns around) But I warn you, even in my sleep, I won’t talk.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike coming in the kitchen to see Alice.)

Mike: Good morning, Alice.

Alice: How come you’re up so early, Mr. Brady?

Mike: I woke up in the middle of the night and never really got back to sleep.

Alice: I thought I heard you prowling around downstairs around 2:00. You interrupted a pretty lovely dream. I was about to be crowned Miss America.

Mike: Well, sorry about that.

Alice: Oh well, easy come, easy go.

Mike: I was looking for Mr. Brady.

Alice: Mrs. Brady?

Mike: Yeah, I finally found her curled up in a chair in a den, writing something. Wouldn’t tell me what it was.

Alice: That’s funny.

Mike: Funny?

Alice: I found Mrs. Brady curled up in the family room just the night before last night writing something, too.

Mike: Oh yeah, what?

Alice: I don’t know. She wouldn’t tell me.

Mike: What do you suppose she’s up to?

Alice: Maybe she’s keeping a diary.

Mike: No, she wouldn’t keep that a secret. Not from me, anyway. (Pause) I don’t think. Alice, what do people write when the rest of the world’s asleep and they don’t want to be caught or discovered?

Alice: Something they don’t want anybody to know about.

Mike: Oh, Alice, you have a keen, analytical mind. (The girls come into the kitchen) Hi, girls.

Girls: Hi, Dad. Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi. How are you doing?

Mike: Where’s Mom?

Marcia: She’s gonna skip breakfast.

Jan: To do her hair.

Cindy: She’s going on a date or something.

Mike: A what?

Marcia: An early lunch appointment she said.

Jan: She’s getting real fancy. She’s under the dryer now.

Mike: Good. That will keep her in one place while I talk to her.

(Carol is in her room under the hair dryer. Mike comes in to speak to her.)

Carol: Oh, Mike, I thought you left.

Mike: No, I haven’t. The girls told me you were going to skip breakfast.

Carol: Oh, thanks just the same. I thought I’d skip breakfast.

Mike: No, they told me you were gonna get gussied up for a date.

Carol: The date? Oh, I think it’s the 14th. Look honey, I’m in a terrible hurry. (Mike shuts the hair dryer off) I don’t have much time and… (she realizes the hair dryer is off) Oh, sorry.

Mike: I understand you have an appointment in town. (She gestures it’s true) With Ellie?

Carol: It’s a secret. (Pause) It’s all part of the same secret.

Mike: And I suppose you still don’t wanna talk about it.

Carol: No, I’d rather not talk about it. (She goes to turn the hair dryer on again) So if you don’t mind, honey.

Mike (raising his voice): I do mind. Listen, I hardly got any sleep last night. I’m gonna be burning up with curiosity all day.

Carol: Oh, thanks honey. I hope you have a nice day too, bye.

(The next scene has Carol in a downtown restaurant with a gentlemen named Mr. Delafield.)

Delafield (ordering from the menu): Eggs benedict and iced tea for both of us, please.

Carol: Do you think it’s silly of me to try this, Mr. Delafield? I mean, after all, I am a rank amateur. I mean I’ve never written anything before except letters.

Delafield: Well, until you put it down on paper, Mrs. Brady, you’ll never really know.

(Mike comes by.)

Carol: Mike, what are you doing here?

Mike: I happen to be lunching over there with a client.

Carol: Oh, Mike, you remember Mr. Delafield. (to Mr. Delafield) This is my husband, Mike Brady.

Delafield (shaking Mike’s hand): Of course, we met a week or so ago at a party given by the Campbells.

Mike: We did?

Delafield: Yes, casually. Why don’t you join us.

Mike (sitting down): Thank you.

Delafield: I’m the editor of Tomorrow’s Woman magazine.

Mike: Oh, yes. I’m sorry, I didn’t remember.

Delafield: That’s perfectly all right. I spent most of the evening with Mrs. Brady. Well, you must be very proud of her.

Mike: Hmm? Oh, proud, yes, yes, of course I am.

Delafield: This big jump she’s taking into the world of journalism. You know, we feel that a magazine such as ours is an ideal market for the story that Mrs. Brady is writing about your family.

(Mike looks astonishingly at Carol.)

Mike: Story?

(Carol nods meekly as Mr. Delafield looks at Mike. He is surprised that he know nothing about this.)

(Back at home, Carol is in the family room talking to the girls about the story.)

Marcia: Story?

Jan: For the Tomorrow’s Woman magazine?

Cindy: About us?

Carol: That’s right, kids.

Jan: That’s the most exciting thing I’ve ever heard.

Marcia: Everyone reads Tomorrow’s Woman.

Cindy: Even me.

(Carol laughs. Marcia tells the boys about the story.)

Bobby: I think it’s neat.

Peter: Even if it’s only a woman’s magazine.

Marcia: Tomorrow’s Woman happens to be a very fine magazine.

Greg: Yeah, besides, what other magazine wouldn’t want a story about a woman with three girls marrying a man with three boys.

Peter: Not popular mechanics.

Marcia: Anyway, it’s exciting, isn’t it?

Bobby: Yeah, we’ve never been a story before.

(Next, Mike gives Carol access to his den, where she can finish writing the story.)

Mike: I’m sure you’ll be comfortable here, honey.

Carol: But this has always been your den, dear.

Mike: Listen, I am the proudest husband in town, and you can have this whole den to yourself until you finish that article. (She sets up a desk and chair for her) Now, try the chair.

Carol: For what?

Mike: For sitting purposes. See, if you, it and that typewriter are in full accord here.

Carol (sitting down): Okay, well, it seems just fine. My goodness, I can’t think of anything else I need.

Mike: Well, two things. First, privacy, which you’ll have as soon as I leave here. And second, the first piece of paper to write on. (He sets it in the typewriter) There. (Carol looks uneasy) What’s the matter?

Carol: It sure looks blank.

(Later, Carol is busy typing as the boys are emptying the garbage with paper she already used. She gets upset to see them reading.)

Carol: You boys are supposed to empty the wastebaskets, not read what’s in them.

Peter: We’re just average, curious kids.

Carol: No one is going to read this article until I’m finished.

Greg: Okay, but we’re running out of places to dump these.

Bobby: Maybe you should scrunch them up tighter.

Carol: Go on.

(They leave to empty the garbage and run into Mike.)

Mike: Look out, look out, clear the road. (to Carol) Hi, honey.

Carol: Hi.

Mike: How’s it going?

Carol: Well, just great, for the paper drive.

Mike (reading): Never forget the first time.

(He leans down to read what he has on.)

Carol: Uh, uh, uh, uh. Not until it’s finished. You know, Mike, everybody’s been so great through all this, especially the kids. They’ve been absolute angels.

Mike: Yeah, I think they’ve been practicing to be famous angels.

(Meanwhile, the girls are in their room, playing tea party . Cindy pours tea for Marcia.)

Marcia: Thank you, love. (to the camera and mocking a British accent) I’m Marcia Brady, the oldest of the three Brady daughters. If you read Mother’s article carefully, you must know I begin on page three.

Jan: How does it feel to have a mother as talented and successful as ours? Well, it feels lovely, my dear, just lovely.

Cindy: In the article, I’m called Cindy. But my real name is Cynthia. It’s so nice to have met you, darling.

(They all giggle. Next, Greg is getting dressed in the boys’ room and looking in the mirror.)

Peter: A necktie?

Greg: Sure, Pete. When you’re famous, you can’t look like a slob.

Bobby: Does that mean we have to wear clean socks, too?

Greg (adjusting his tie): There, now, how do I look?

Peter: Like a slob with a tie.

(Carol is in the den typing away and Alice comes in to dust.)

Carol (frustrated): Alice, this is the third time you dusted this desk.

Alice: Say no more, Mrs. Brady, I was just wondering if I was in the article.

Carol: Well, of course you are, Alice. You’re one of the family. As a matter of fact, you’re here at a very special time.

Alice: I am?

Carol: Yeah, watch. Just two more words. (She types) The End.

Alice: Ah.

Carol (taking the paper from the typewriter): Well, Tomorrow’s Woman, here you come.

Alice: Congratulations, Mrs. Brady. What’s the article gonna be called?

Carol: Well, I haven’t decided yet. I have to discuss that with Mr. Delafield. As a matter of fact, I’m taking this down there right now. He promised me an answer within a week.

(A week later, Carol hasn’t heard back yet. She complains to Mike in the living room.)

Carol: Mike, Mr. Delafield said a week and it’s been a week. Don’t you think I ought to call him?

Carol: No, honey, in business, a week means, oh, ten days or two weeks. Don’t worry he’ll call.

Carol: Yes, but I gave my number to his secretary and maybe she lost it.

Mike: Oh honey, relax.

(The doorbell rings.)

Carol (whispering): Mike, do you think that’s him?

Mike: Oh, Carol.

Carol: Or maybe it’s a special delivery messenger with a letter of acceptance. Or it could be a check or, or maybe it’s…

Mike: I know a great way to find out. Open the door.

Carol: Oh no, no Mike, I couldn’t. I mean, I’d just go to pieces.

(The doorbell rings again and Mike gets up.)

Mike: Okay.

Carol (sitting down): I won’t even look, or listen. Oh, it’s probably a salesman anyway.

(Mike comes back with an envelope.)

Mike: Hey, honey, you were right. Special delivery, Tomorrow’s Woman.

Carol: Oh my goodness, it’s awfully big, isn’t it, for a letter or,  for a check?

Mike: Maybe it’s a big check.

(Carol opens the envelope and sees what it is.)

Carol (disappointed): It’s my story, they sent it back.

Mike: Well, sometimes they ask for changes.

Carol: Well, there’s a letter with it, too. (she reads it) Dear Mrs. Brady, you have certainly accomplished a Herculean task. (to Mike) I guess it was pretty big. (she continues to read) And I thank you for letting me read your manuscript. (to Mike) Isn’t that nice. He thanked me. (reading the letter) But as I pointed out at the first meeting, it was strictly a speculative venture. (to Mike) That’s right, he did, I remember. (back to the letter) And unfortunately, I feel the story doesn’t fit our needs at the present time. So I’m here with returning it with etc., etc., etc. (She get upset) Mike, I’ve been rejected, flatly rejected.

Mike (hugging her): Oh, honey, only by Tomorrow’s woman, not by tonight’s husband.

(The scene fades.)

untitled ernest hemingway

(The next scene has Mike lunching with Mr. Delafield. They are discussing the rejection.)

Delafield: The explanation is really quite simple, Mr. Brady. The story your wife wrote tells it like it is, that’s all.

Mike: Well, what’s wrong with that? You can’t mix a second marriage, six kids, a housekeeper and a dog and come up with Romeo and Juliet.

Delafield (laughing): I realize that. But Tomorrow’s Woman magazine likes to accentuate the positive, pleasant side of things.

Mike: You mean, not tell it like it is.

Delafield: Mr. Brady, today’s world is grim enough. Tomorrow’s Woman, well, we’re looking for, happy angles in life stories. Not exactly rose colored glasses, but.

Mike: Yeah, I see, I see. Well, what if we let Mrs. Brady make another try. Accentuating the positive, as you say.

Delafield: I’d be more than happy to read any revised version she’d care to submit.

(Later on, Mike tells Carol about his discussion with Mr. Delafield.)

Carol: But Mike, you couldn’t, you didn’t.

Mike: Yeah, I could, and I did.

Carol: After the way I was rejected, knowing how I’d feel?

Mike: Honey, you weren’t treated any differently than any other writer who received a rejection slip, and the way you feel is sorry for yourself, that’s all.

Caro (angry): Sorry for myself?

Mike: Listen, Delafield said that you placed too much emphasis on the problems in our lives instead of the lighter, happier times we had. If you rewrite it, he said he’ll be more than pleased to read it.

Carol: Oh, no, Mike Brady. I’ve had it. Filled wastebaskets, rejection slips, blank pages. I’m not going near that typewriter again.

(The next scene has Carol again at the typewriter. We show her typing in a few scenes, including one with Alice in the room.)

Carol: The end. Again.

Alice: That must be a big relief.

Carol: Oh it is, Alice. Only this time, Mr. Delafield isn’t getting first look at it. I want several of my most severe critics to read it first.

(Next, Carol is in the family room with Mike, Alice, Greg and Marcia. She is seeking their opinions on her story.)

Carol: Well, all right. You all had a chance to read it. What do you think? And, don’t mince words.

(The camera shows Mike, then to Greg, Marcia and Alice.)

Carol: Come on, let me have it, the truth. (She looks at Alice) Alice.

Alice: Well, I really had something else on my mind when I read it, Mrs. Brady. I was expecting Sam.

Carol (sternly): Alice, are you trying to tell me that my story wasn’t interesting enough to hold your attention?

Alice: Oh, I didn’t say that. I didn’t say that at all (to Marcia) Did I?

(Marcia shrugs.)

Carol: Greg, what was your reaction? And no holds barred now.

Greg: The typing was great, Mom.

Carol: The typing?

Greg: I’m big on westerns and whodunits. I don’t know much about stories like yours. Nobody got shot or killed or anything.

Carol: Marcia?

Marcia: Well, it’s all too sweet and goody-goody. We’re always helping each other and happy and smiling. What about times like when the washing machine overflowed and we all had a big fight?

Carol: Well, I had to change that. Magazine policy. Was that your only reaction?

Marcia: No. I guess you did a pretty good job, considering what you had to work with, us.

(Carol laughs.)

Carol: Mike.

Mike: Honey, a husband can’t testify against his wife. Well, you gave Delafield what he asked for. (He stands up) I’m going to take it down there myself.

(The next day, Carol comes in the kitchen after she finishes cleaning out the fireplace.)

Alice (laughing): Excuse me, Mrs. Brady, but what are you made up for, Halloween?

Carol: No, I just thought I’d clean out the fireplace. Help me take my mind off of, well, you know.

Alice: Well, you only sent the story to the magazine yesterday. You couldn’t expect to hear yet.

Carol: I don’t expect to hear, period. (The phone rings and she answers) Hello. Yes, this is Mr.Brady speaking. Who’s this? (surprised) Mr. Delafield?

Delafield (from the other line): I just put your manuscript down, Mrs. Brady. I could hardly wait to call you.

Carol (flustered): Oh, that was very nice of you, Mr. Delafield.

Delafield: Your rewrites are exactly what we want.

Alice: What did he say? Is it good? We’d like to schedule for publication next month. And of course, you should be introduced to our promotion department.

Carol: At once?

Delafield: Oh, as soon as possible. And, would a small tea at your house be convenient? We’d like to have our photographer take some candid pictures of your family at home, and meet a few of the local critics informally.

Alice: The suspense is killing me.

Carol: I think the suspense, yes, I think that can be arranged, Mr. Delafield.

Delafield: Splendid. Should we say, uh, Friday?

Carol: Oh, Friday’s fine.

Delafield: Excellent. Let’s say, 3 or 4:00?

Carol: Oh, it doesn’t matter to me, 3 or 4, 4 or 3.

Alice: 3 or 4, 4 or 3 what?

(Carol shushes her.)

Delafield: All right, let’s make it 3.

Carol: Uh, uh, uh, that’ll be just fine, Mr. Delafield. And thank you, yeah, thank you.

Delafield: Wonderful. Good-bye, Mrs. Brady.

(They hang up.)

Alice: Well, what did he say?

Carol: Let’s see, finger sandwiches, pastries, tea and coffee for adults, and maybe a bowl of punch for the kids. (Alice lets out a frustrated whine) Oh, I’m sorry, Alice. Mr. Delafield liked my story. He’s gonna buy it.

Alice: Oh, Mrs. Brady! Congratulations.

(She hugs her.)

Carol: And we’re going to start with a tea on Friday at 4 o’clock.

(That Friday, Carol is unprepared as Mr. Delafield and the crew arrive.)

Carol (answering the door): Mr. Delafield.

Delafield: We did say 3 o’clock, Mr. Brady.

Carol: No, I mean, uh, yes. Yes indeed, we said 3 o’clock, of course. I guess. Come in.

Delafield: Thank you. (He and the crew enter) This is Danny Englebert, one of our very best photographers. And my editorial assistant, Daisy Lewis. And Mr. Jim Raymond, head of our promotional department. And Wally Witherspoon.

Witherspoon: Hope you read, wake up with Witherspoon in your morning paper, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Oh, we never miss it.

Delafield: And Nora Maynard, who I trust will have a few nice things to say about the Brady family in her syndicated literary column.

(The photographer takes a picture of Carol.)

Nora: So this is Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Well, uh, would you all excuse me while I change? I was really expecting you at 4. Why don’t you just make yourselves at home.

(The girls come in arguing with each other.)

Jan: Well, that’s what you did!

Marcia: Well, I don’t care what you say, I didn’t do it!

Jan: Just because you’re older than I am, Marcia Brady, doesn’t mean you have to chop my school friends!

Marcia: You call those goons friends?

Carol: Girls.

(Cindy lets out a hiccup.)

Cindy: I’ve got the hiccups.

Carol: Girls, we have guests. (to the crew) These are my daughters, Marcia, Jan and Cindy.

Nora: These are the adorable little moppets you wrote about, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: These are the three.

Witherspoon: There are three boys in the family too, aren’t there?

Jan: They’re right behind us. (teasingly) Bobby tore his good pants.

(Cindy has another hiccup.)

Bobby: I got caught on that same old fence.

(Cindy hiccups again and Carol notices Peter has a black eye.)

Carol (upset): Peter, your eye!

Peter: I got in another fight with Buddy Hinton.

Greg (scratching himself): Mom, I talked to the school nurse. She said I had poison oak.

(The other kids scream and run up the stairs. Greg goes upstairs and leaving Carol feeling bewildered.)

Carol (to the crew): And those, uh, were my boys.

Nora: Not quite the darling little tykes I expected.

(The photographer takes another picture of Carol,  much to her horror.)

Carol: Well, uh, why don’t you al sit down. It’ll only take me a minute to change. I bet you’d love something to eat. (calling) Alice, would you bring those sandwiches please?

Alice (bringing out a tray): Yes ma’am. (she suddenly realizes) Oops, I forgot the mayonnaise.

(Mike comes in with flowers.)

Mike: Hi honey, I’m home.

(Alice accidentally bumps into him and the sandwiches get wet and soggy. Mike also drops the flowers.)

Alice: I’ll snap those, Mr. Brady.

(She takes the sandwiches back to the kitchen.)

Mike: Hello, everybody.

Witherspoon: This must be Mr. Brady.

Mike: Yeah, head of the family and chief flower dropper. How do you do?

Carol: Mike, this is, uh, Nora Maynard and uh, Wally Silverspoon.

Witherspoon (shaking Mike’s hand): Witherspoon.

Delafield: Uh, Mr. Brady, these are members of my staff.

Mike: How do you do?

Nora: Mr. Delafield, I’m afraid the family in Mrs. Brady’s story bears little resemblance to this one.

Delafield: Well.

Witherspoon: Perhaps a ghostwriter wrote your story.

Mike: No no, she not only wrote it, she rewrote it.

Nora: Well, it certainly wasn’t about this delightfully normal family and its problems.

Witherspoon: I’m afraid the family you wrote about exists only in fairytales.

Nora: Take the advice of an experienced reviewer, Mrs. Brady. The truth isn’t only stranger than fiction, but far more interesting to the average reader.

Witherspoon: Right, tell it like it is, Mrs. Brady, tell it like it is. Now Nora, let’s see if some of the sandwiches survived the crash. Come on, fellows.

(The crew heads out to the kitchen.)

Carol: Well, I suppose they wouldn’t give my story a very good review, Mr. Delafield.

Delafield: No, no, they wouldn’t.

Carol: And I guess you wouldn’t want to publish it now.

Delafield: Oh no, not under these conditions.

Mike: Well, honey, even famous writers have had stories rejected, you know.

Carol: Yes, but I had the same story rejected twice.

Delafield: Oh, correction, just once. I’m going to publish your first version.

Carol: But you said…

Delafield: Mrs. Brady, I never listen to what I say. I listen to what they say.

(He goes into the kitchen to join the others.)

Carol: Oh, Mike, I can hardly wait to get in there to my typewriter.

Mike: You can’t wait to write another story.

Carol; No, I can’t wait to break it so I’ll never have to go through this again.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Alice typing in the family room. The boys come into see her.)

Greg: You want us to empty your wastebaskets, Alice?

Bobby: So we can read what’s on the scrunched up paper?

Alice: That scrunched up paper’s important. That may be the best part. Now get. You’re disturbing a very busy writer at work.

Peter: When are you gonna stop writing your story and start cooking us dinner?

(He rubs his stomach and is still sporting a black eye.)

Alice: Your mother’s doing that for me today so I can finish this.

(Carol comes in with a tray for Alice.)

Carol: Well, Alice, your dinner’s ready.

Alice: Thank you.

Carol: Oh boys, ours is on the table too. Would you go tell your father and the girls?

Greg: Sure.

(They leave.)

Carol (to Alice): How’s it going?

Alice: Fine, I’m glad you inspired me.

Carol: Good. Oh, Alice, could you do me a favor?

Alice: Sure, what is it?

Carol: Can I have your autograph?

Alice: Autograph? Certainly., Mrs. Brady.

(She writes on a piece of paper and hands it to her.)

Carol (reading and laughing): Ernest Hemingway?

Alice: Well, I thought I might start at the top.

                                               THE END

untitled carol's story


S1 E23 Alice’s September Song

untitled makr maldrill

Alice’s September Song

Written by Elroy Schwartz

Alice’s old boyfriend, Mark Millard, comes to visit. This is enough to make Sam the butcher jealous and Alice believing he’s about to pop the question. Hope you enjoy the script.













(The episode begins with Carol and Alice coming home from the store. They get out of Carol’s car and bring nags of groceries in the store. Carol notices a message by the phone.)

Carol: Oh, Alice, there’s a message for you.

Alice: Oh, from Sam? If he’s still at the butcher shop I can call him right back.

Carol: No, I don’t think it’s from Sam. I can’t quite make out the name.

(Alice reads out the name on the paper.)

Alice: Makr Maldrill. I don’t think I know anybody named Makr Maldrill.

Carol (frustrated): If I told those kids once, I told them 100 times, when someone calls, get the name right.

Cindy (coming into the kitchen): I tried.

Alice: You took the message honey?

Cindy: Uh-huh. I wrote it just like the man told me.

Alice: Well, I’m sure we can figure it out, sweetie. But first I wanna help your mother put away all this stuff.

Carol: Nah Alice, I’ll do it. You better work on that message while it’s still fresh in Cindy’s mind.

Alice (sitting down): Okay.

(She looks at the message, with her name and Makr Maldrill written on it..)

Cindy: That’s your name, Alice.

Alice: Yeah, I got that far. I got stuck on who called.

Cindy: His name is Mark.

Alice: Mark?

Cindy: Uh-huh. Maybe I don’t spell very good, but I can remember good. His name is Mark Millard, and he said he’ll call back.

(She walks away.)

Alice: Mark Millard called?

Carol: I never heard you mention a Mark Millard before, Alice. A new boyfriend?

Alice: No, Mrs. Brady, an old one.

Carol: Somebody special?

Alice: We were in school together, to me he was very special. He was the handsomest, most charming boy in the class. I still remember how my knees used to melt whenever he looked at me.

Carol: And to think he called you afer all these years. Oh Alice, I think that’s very exciting.

Alice: It is exciting, Mrs. Brady. I wonder.

Carol: You wonder what?

Alice: If there’s enough heat in an old flame to melt these knees again.

(Carol laughs with Alice as the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Greg and Bobby in the garage, working on an airplane.)

Bobby: Boy, this is gonna be the best plane ever. I can see it now, taking off. Maybe flying all the way to Africa. What do you think, Greg?

Greg: I think if you don’t keep quiet, I’m gonna pop you one.

Sam (arriving): Hiya, fellas.

Bobby: Hi Sam.

Sam: Hey, that’s some plane you got there.

Greg: Yeah, we’re gluing in the ribs for a wing.

Sam: You know, Bobby, this sure brings back memories. Boy, when I was your age, I built one that stayed up for a year.

Bobby: A year?

Sam: Yep. it was a whole year before I was old enough to climb the tree and get it down. (He laughs, and so do Bobby and Greg) Hey, is Alice inside?

Bobby: Yeah, she’s getting ready to go out.

(Inside. Mike and Peter are walking on another part of the plane.)

Carol (coming by): Hey, what is that? A boat or a plane?

Peter: A plane. We’re putting it together in here while Greg and Bobby put the wings together outside.

Carol: Ooh, I’d say that’s a very efficient production line.

Mike: You betcha. Orville and Wilbur couldn’t have done it any better.

Peter: I’m gonna go outside and see how the wings are coming along.

Mike: Okay.

(Carol notices that Sam is outside.)

Carol: Oh, no, look who’s out there talking to Peter.

(Carol and Mike see Sam and Peter outside.)

Mike: Sam.

Carol (worried): Oh!

Mike: Just come by to see Alice, he’s done it before.

Carol: Honey, you don’t understand. Alice has a date with Mr. Millard. This could be very awkward for her.

Mike: Well, honey, I think she’s equipped to tell Sam she’s got a date with another guy.

Carol: Oh, honey, you don’t understand women at all.

Mike: Yeah, well, that makes me a charter member of a very large fraternity.

Carol: Look, I’ll get Alice to stay in her room until he leaves.

Mike: Yeah, well, Sam has remarkable staying power.

Caro (nervously)l: Well, think of something, honey. You’re, you’re very good (she kisses his cheek) at things like that, please.

Mike (pointing outside): Yeah, but.

Carol: Just get rid of him.

(Sam finishes his conversation with Peter and heads towards the door. He knocks, opens the door and comes in.)

Sam: Hi, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Hi, Sam.

Sam: Well, tonight’s the semi-finals of the supermarket bowling league. Us meat cutters against the Bread and Pastry boys.

Mike: Sounds like pretty crummy competition.

Sam (laughing): Crummy competition, bread and pastry. I like that, Mr. Brady. Hey, can I use that?

Mike: Yeah, just don’t tell anybody where you got it.

Sam (laughing): I thought I’d take Alice along to watch. You know, she’s a great little rooter for us meat cutters, a great little rooter.

Mike: Uh, Sam. I’d like to have a little talk with you about (Pause) women.

Sam: Women?

Mike: Yeah.

Sam: Oh, you can count on me, Mr. Brady. If you and the Mrs. are having a little problem, I’ll do anything I can to help.

Mike: No, no, Sam. It’s not me, it’s, uh, uh, you.

Sam: Me?

Mike: Yeah?

Sam: I’ve got no problem with Mrs. Brady.

Mike: No, no, it’s not Mrs. Brady, it’s uh, Alice.

Sam: I didn’t know I was having a problem with Alice.

Mike: Oh, you’re not, you’re not, you’re not. But you might.

Sam: What kind?

Mike: Well, look, um, you’re kind of catching Alice off guard, see, arriving here unexpectedly. Woman like to be prepared, you know, with a, dress just so and a face, just so.

Sam: Mr. Brady, Alice’s face is my inspiration. I see her face in every bowling ball, her figure in every bowling pin.

(The next scene has Alice dressed up for her date with Mark. Marcia and Jan are watching admiringly.)

Marcia: That’s sure a pretty pin, Alice.

Alice: It’s a cameo, been in my family for generations.

Marcia: it’s fantabulous.

Alice: When each one gets married, she passes it along to the next one. So far I hold the record for hanging on to it the longest.

(Carol comes in the room.)

Carol: Excuse me, Alice. Alice, did you forget that you had a date with Sam tonight?

Alice: I never forget my dates with Sam, Mrs. Brady, or any other male species, why?

Carol: He’s here.

Alice: Oh, no.

(Carol nods.)

Jan: Wow, two guys showing up on the very same night. (Alice makes a gesture like it’s no big deal) Maybe they’ll fight over you, Alice.

Marcia: That would be out of sight.

Carol: Don’t you girls have some homework to do? (Jam and Marcia whine) Come on, run along. (They leave still discussing the possibility of a fight) Alice, I took the liberty of asking Mr. Brady to make some excuse to Sam.

Alice: Yeah, that could be embarrassing. Thank you, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Well, he should be gone by now.

Alice: Imagine, two men fighting over me. (She laughs) Oh, two men will never fight over me.

Carol: Why wouldn’t they?

(She turns Alice around to look in the mirror.)

Alice (in the mirror): Yeah, Alice, why wouldn’t they?

(Back in the kitchen, Sam and Mike are still converting.)

Sam: I get the picture, Mr. Brady, so I’ll just trot down to a payphone, call back and see if Alice is…

(He sees Alice come out in her evening dress.)

Alice (looking in her purse): Mr. Brady, by any chance did you happen to see… (He sees Sam standing there) Sam.

Sam: Good evening, Alice, boy you look real spiffy tonight.

(Mike looks at him with shock.)

Alice: Well, th-th-thank you, Sam.

Sam: Of course, you didn’t have to get so dressed up. Only the semi-finals.

(Mike collects his airplane equipment and starts to take off.)

Alice: Semi-finals?

Sam: You know, bowling. Us meat cutters vs. bread and pastry.

Alice: Oh, yeah, that sounds like quite a match. But Sam, we didn’t have a date tonight.

Sam: I know, Alice, I didn’t mean to catch you off guard. But, uh, well, since you’re so gussied up, let’s go.

Alice: Sam. I can’t go out with you tonight.

Sam: Oh, come on Alice, just because I didn’t call you and ask you for a date. Look, I meant to, but Mrs. Larson came in and wanted a round steak around 6 times.

Alice: Sam, that isn’t it. I have another date tonight.

Sam (angry): Another date? With who? (Alice seems hesitant to tell him) I know, you’re going out with the milkman!

Alice: Jerry?

Sam: I should have known, when I stopped by last Tuesday morning, I heard the way he rattled your bottles.

Alice (insulted): No Sam, it is not Jerry.

Sam: Ah, then it’s Gus from fresh fruit at the supermarket. I see the way he looks at you when you’re squeezing the melons.

Alice: Sam, it isn’t Gus and isn’t Jerry. It’s an old friend of mine who’s passing through town and I’m having dinner with him.

Sam (relieved): Oh well, if it’s just an old friend it’s something else. I’ll tell you what, Alice, if the meat cutters win tonight, suppose I drop by about 6:30 tomorrow, and take you to the finals. okay?

Alice: I’d like that Sam, except that I sort of half-promised Mark, my friend, that I wouldn’t make any other plans while he’s here.

Sam (upset again): Well, how long is that gonna be?

Alice: Only a week.

(Sam gives a defeated look. Next, Alice is by the front door nervously awaiting Mark’s arrival. Mike and Carol are in the living room having coffee.)

Mike: Alice, listen, a sip of this might calm you down a little bit.

Alice: I think the coffee might make me more nervous, Mr. Bady.

(The doorbell rings.)

Alice (jumpy): It’s him. It’s him. (Mike and Carol get up to leave) Uh, where are you going? Aren’t you gonna stay?

Carol: Well, Alice, we wouldn’t wanna be in the way.

Alice: Believe me you’d be more in the way if you were out of the way.

(The bell rings again.)

Mike: Okay, but listen, try to be calm.

(He goes to answer the door.)

Alice: Oh, I’m fine, really, I am. (She clutches her handkerchief) My handkerchief isn’t, but I am.

Mike: Let me get the door, okay.

Alice: Would you please? I really don’t think I can turn the knob.

(She hands her broken handkerchief to carol as Mike opens the door. Mark appears with a gift.)

Mark: Good evening.

Mike: Mr. Millard?

Mark: Yes

Mike (shaking his hand): I’m Mike Brady, come on in. Alice is waiting for you.

Mark: Oh thank you. (He comes in and sees Alice) Alice.

Alice: Mark.

(He gives Alice a hug.)

Mark: Alice. Oh.

(He hands her the gift.)

Alice: Thank you.

Mark: Alice, you look absolutely wonderful.

Alice: I do. That’s awfully sweet to say, Mark. You don’t look so bad yourself.

(Carol and Mike look on with delight.)

Mark: How could all these years have gone by and never touched you at all.

Alice: Oh, well, they touched me. It’s just the dents don’t show much at night. (Carol and Mike laugh.) Ooh, you met Mr. Brady, and this is Mrs. Brady.

Carol (shaking hi hand): Hello, Mr. Millard.

Alice: And their 12 eyes.

Mark: Hmm? (They see the kids looking on from up the stairs.)

(Late that evening, Carol wakes up and realizes Alice is still out with Mark.)

Carol (to Mike): Do you realize what time it is?

Mike: It’s about 10 minutes since the last time you asked me what time it is.

(Carol turns on the light and leans over to look at the clock.)

Carol: It’s almost 1:30 and Alice isn’t home yet.

Mike: Honey, Alice is not one of the kids.

Carol: I know, but she’s, well she’s out with a man who’s practically a stranger to her.

Mike: I’m sure she can take care of herself. Mark looks okay.

Carol: Yeah, but appearances can be very deceiving. We don’t know what he’s really like.

Mike: Listen, what are you gonna do when Marcia starts to date?

Carol: Probably get no sleep, ever. Well how about you, you’re pretty wide awake. Why aren’t you asleep?

Mike: Because it’s 1:30 and alice isn’t home yet. (They hear Mark’s car door close) See, now there she is. She’s home and you can go to sleep happy. (He kisses her)

Carol: Don’t be silly. Now I have to see if she had a good time.

(Alice comes in the front door, beaming and dancing and singing softly to herself. She also shuts the lights in the living room as Carol and Mike look on from top of the stairs.)

Mike (to Carol): She had a good time.

(Carol smiles as the scene fades.)

untitled mark busted

(The next scene has Alice is her room getting dressed up again and talking to Carol. She tells her about their date for that evening.)

Alice: And tonight, he’s taking me to the Kings Lodge, that big, new fancy place.

Carol: Where I’m sure you wouldn’t want this price tag (on her dress) show.

Alice: Oh, no, thank you.  I thought I’d give this, this new dress a trial run this afternoon before the Grand Prix tonight.

Carol: Boy, this Mr. Millard sure  is giving you the big rush.

Alice: Different restaurant every single night. Dancing till all hours. You know, a week of this will kill me. What a way to go.

Carol (laughing): It wouldn’t surprise me if Mr. Millard wasn’t building up to something.

Alice: Like what?

Carol: Like, rekindling that old flame.

Alice: Would you help me with this zipper?

Carol: Sure. (Carol zips the back of Alice’s dress) You mean the thought of marriage never (Pause) crept in?

Alice: Well if it did any creeping, it was with me, not him.

Carol: Well, what if he brought up the subject right now, Alice. What would you say?

Alice: I don’t really know what I’d say, I’d sure listen a lot.

Carol: Mr. Brady and I certainly hope it works out the way you want it to, Alice. (She finishes helping her get ready) There.

Alice: Oh boy, now I know where those calories went. I’ve been sitting on them.

Carol: Well, I guess we could let it out a little for tonight.

Alice: Or take me in a little today.

(Alice starts to inhale. We next see her doing sit-ups in the backyard, with the girls helping her. Marcia and Jan are holding her while Cindy counts. Alice stops at 6.)

Jan: You’re not supposed to move your legs at all, Alice.

Alice: How could they move with you hanging on to one and Marcia holding on to the other?

Marcia: Well they wiggled a little.

Jan: And you won’t lose weight even wiggling a little.

(Alice breathes hard and resumes sit-ups.)

Cindy: Seven. (She drops after that) You don’t have to stop, Alice, I can count higher.

(Next, Alice puts white cream on her face in her room with Marcia watching.)

Marcia: What’s all that goo supposed to do for you, Alice?

Alice: Oh, tighten up my skin.

Marcia: Who wants tight skin?

Alice: Well, not really tighten it, it’s sort of a tone drop of facial muscles.

Marcia: Well how long are you supposed to leave that stuff on?

Alice: Uh, I’ll take it off about an hour before Mr. Millard gets here. On the other hand, I might be better of leaving it on.

(Marcia laughs. Mike is helping Bobby and Peter with the final touches of the airplane when Alice comes out, all made over.)

Alice: Well men, how does everything look from, uh, there?

Peter: Hey, look at Alice.

Bobby: Boy, real neat-o.

Peter: Wow!

Mike: Alice, you are gorgeous.

Alice: Oh, go on. I mean, go on and on and on.

(Alice and Mark are dining in a fancy restaurant. A waiter brings them each a bowl of soup. Alice eats while Mark stares at her.)

Alice: Mmm, vichyssoise is such a pretty name for cold potato soup, don’t you think? (He continues to stare) You haven’t even touched yours.

Mark: How can I eat Alice when I can’t take my eyes off you?

Alice: Ooh, Mark.

Mark: You’ve blossomed of the years, Alice.

Alice: You do have a way with words. How much longer do you think you’re gonna be in town?

Mark: Well, it’s hard to tell. I’m trying to finish up a business deal.

Alice: Oh, you tycoons.

Mark: Not really, it’s a deal that, uh (Pause) I don’t think the topic will interest you.

Alice: Try me.

Mark: Well, I’ve been at meetings all week on  a very unusual investment opportunity. As a matter of fact, it was so good I’m a little concerned, but it really checks out.

Alice: Well, I got a little nest egg that isn’t hatching very much in my bank account.

Mark: A bank is the best place to let a nest eg hatch. Besides, any business deal is bound to be speculative. (Alice seems convinced) Now, how about some wine. Something sparkling to go with your eyes.

Alice: Ooh, Mark. Would you be getting in on the ground floor of this investment opportunity.

Mark (holding Alice’s hand): Forget that, Alice, there are other ground floors, but very few charming ladies.

(Alice smiles at the opportunity. The next day, Carol comes in the kitchen and sees Alice ready to go out.)

Carol: Oh, where you headed, Alice?

Alice: Oh, the bank. As soon as I get the breakfast dishes put away.

Carol: Oh, I’m heading right by there, I’ll drop you off. In the meantime, do you need a couple of dollars?

Alice: No thanks. I’m about to enter the world of high finance.

Carol (excited): High finance? What do you mean?

Alice: Well, Mark had this great investment opportunity and he’s letting me in on it.

Carol: Oh, what kind of opportunity?

Alice: To get in on the ground floor.

Carol: What?

Alice: Well, he didn’t say exactly.

Carol: What’s the name of the company?

Alice: I don’t think he mentioned it. But anyway, the name of the company isn’t anywhere near as important as what they do.

Carol: What do they do, Alice?

Alice: I don’t know exactly. He said it kind of speculative. But, just about that time, I had the feeling he was about to pop the question, so, I didn’t want to rock the boat.

Carol: Did he pop the question?

Alice: Not quite. Well, I’ll go get my coat.

(She goes into her room. Carol gets suspicious and calls Mike at the office.)

Mike (on the phone): Well what sort of investment? Carol, what type of business is it? No, no, I don’t blame you, it makes me suspicious, too. Listen, when are you taking her to the bank? Okay, I’ll tell you what, while you do that, I’ll make some fast calls, okay? Okay, bye.

(Alice realizes that Mark is a scam artist and gets embarrassed.)

Alice (to Mike and Carol): I feel like such a fool.

Carol: Oh, I didn’t like interfering, Alice. But, well, you are one of the family.

Mike: After Mrs. Brady called me, Alice, I phoned a friend of mine at the district attorney’s office and they did a quick rundown on Mark Millard and, he’s gonna stop by and ask you a few questions.

Alice: Mark sure was smooth.

Mike: Well, he’s an incurable gambler. Horses, cards, you name it.

Carol: And, he uses unsuspecting woman to support himself.

Alice: How could I have been so stupid? You know, I actually thought he was popping the question.

Mike: He might have. Right now, he’s paying alimony to five wives and trying to keep a jump ahead of the sixth.

Alice (astonished): Six wives?

Carol: And you might have been the seventh.

Alice: That’s what I call making seven the hard way.

Carol: Alice, when were you gonna give him the money?

Alice: He’ll be coming by soon.

(The doorbell rings.)

Mike: that’s my friend from the district attorney’s office.

(He gets up to answer the door.)

Carol: Now, relax, Alice.

(Mike opens the door and it’s Mark.)

Mike (surprised): Oh, Mr. Millard.

Mark: Hello, Mr. Brady. How nice to find you at home.

Mike: Well, can’t tell you how happy I am to be here. Come on in, Alice is waiting for you.

Mark: Splendid. I’m anxious for a little chat with her. (He comes in the living room and sees Alice and Carol) Well, how are you, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: I couldn’t be better, Mr. Millard.

Mark: Alice, I wonder if you and I could have a moment together.

Mike: Mr. Millard, I took the liberty of talking to a friend of mine at the district attorney’s office this morning.

Mark: Oh?

Carol: And he did some checking for us, that is, for Alice, and he’s on his way over here right now, Mr. Millard.

Mark: Oh?

Alice: Mark?

Mark (shrugging): Sorry, but, that’s life, Alice. (He starts to get nervous) Well, I, guess I’ll be on my way. I can see myself out.

Mike (following him): Wait a minute, just a second.

(The bell rings and he starts running towards the back door. Mike, Alice and Carol chase him instead of answering the door. They hear him moan in pain and when they catch up to him, he is out cold and Sam is at the door with a delivery.)

Alice: Sam, what did you do to him?

Sam: Nothing. I was just getting to the patio door and he ran right into your frozen leg of lamb.

(The doorbell rings again.)

Mike: Ooh, I guess I better get my friend.

Carol: Quick!

Sam: Say, who is that guy anyway?

Alice: That’s that old friend of mine I was telling you about.

Sam: Well, anyway, I’m sorry he ran into your leg of lamb.

Alice: So am I. I wish you were carrying a whole side of beef. Sam, would you put that in the freezer or me, please?

Sam: Sure, Alice.

(Alice takes the watering can for flowers and pours water all over Mark. Meanwhile, Mike, Carol and the friend from the D.A.’s office come by and the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Alice and Sam preparing for a picnic in the park. Carol puts their sandwiches in a picnic basket.)

Carol: There, a perfect little picnic for two. I sure hope you enjoy your day off, Alice.

Alice: Ah, we will, Mrs. Brady.

Mike: Well, have a good time.

Sam: Thanks, Mr. Brady.

(The boys come in upset with their airplane.)

Mike: What’s the matter, men?

Bobby: Our plane.

Greg: There’s not enough room in the backyard, Dad.

Sam: Well, Alice and I are heading to Highland Park. The 747 can take off there. You wanna go with us? (The boys happily agree) Bring the girls to watch.

Greg: that’s a good idea.

(They go to get the girls.)

Alice: Sam, that’s 8 stomachs to fill with food for two.

Sam: That’s okay, we’ll stop by my shop and I’ll pick up some cold cuts. (He takes the basket) I’ll put this in the car.

Carol: Well, Alice, you didn’t have much choice, did you?

Alice: Oh, I love having the kids along, Mrs. Brady. Of course, it isn’t terribly romantic.

Mike: Contrary. It’s very romantic.

Alice: It is.

Mike: Yeah, for us.

(He takes Carol and picks her up the way a groom picks up his bride.)

Carol: Mike, you cut that out.

Mike: Have a good time, Alice.

(He walks away with Carol, leaving Alice to ponder about what kind of day they’ll have.)

                                               THE END

untitled sam

S2 E22 Double Parked

untitled campaign

Double Parked

Written by Skip Webster

The Bradys go on a campaign to save their favorite park from being demolished. Things go awry when it turns out that Mike’s firm is putting up a building on the premises, threatening his job. Hope you enjoy the script.











MAN Alice gets to sign the petition

(The episode begins with Greg and Peter playing catch in the backyard.)

Greg: Hey!

Peter: Did it curve?

Greg: Yeah, it sure did.

Peter (annoyed): That’s my fast ball. (Pause) I’m some pitcher, my fast ball curves and my curve ball goes fast.

Greg: You just need some practice. Let’s go to the park, I told the guys I’d meet them over there.

(Marcia and Jan confront them as they start to leave.)

Marcia: Don’t bother, Greg. There’s not going to be any more baseball in the park.

Jan: Or volleyball, or anything.

Greg: What are you talking about?

Jan: We can’t use Woodland Park anymore.

Peter (shocked): You’re kidding.

Marcia: That’s what they told us. they’re going to put up some dumb old building.

Greg: Where are we gonna play?

Jan: Search me, but what can we do about it?

Greg: I know one thing I can do. I can have a man-to-man talk with Mr. Duncan, the park director.

Marcia: Let’s make that a girl to man talk too.

(They all leave and head down to the park. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has them all coming home. They break the bad news to Carol.)

Carol: Hi, kids.

All: Hi, Mom.

Carol: You look as if they declared recess illegal, what’s the matter?

Marcia: We’re in mourning.

Jan: For Woodland Park.

Greg: Yeah, they’re closing it down.

Carol (upset): Closing Woodland Park, what for?

Peter: So they can put a dumb old building on it.

Carol: But the city owns that park. Who’d put a building on city property?

Greg: The city.

Carol: Who told you that?

Marcia: Mr. Duncan, the park director.

Greg: And after all the trouble we went through helping keep the park clean.

Jan: And hauling all the junk to the city dump.

Peter: Isn’t there something we can do, Mom?

Greg: What can we do?

Carol: We can do what is every citizen’s right to do. We can protest, and I’ll bring it up at my next woman’s club meeting.

Marcia: That’s a great idea.

(The kids cheer their approval.)

Carol: Well, we can sure give it a try.

(That evening, Carol talk to Mike about the matter in their room.)

Carol (combing her hair): Oh, Mike, they just can’t close that park. Well, parks are becoming almost as extinct as buffaloes.

Mike (jokingly): I think you’re right. I haven’t seen a buffalo in the neighborhood in months.

Carol: Oh, Mike, be serious.

Mike: Listen honey, I’m with you all the way. I think that park is something your woman’s club should fight for.

Carol: Well, I think city hall will listen to us. I mean, after all, who was it that organized operation clean sweep for the city council. And, who was it that got work groups to clean up the park when the maintenance budget was cut? The woman’s club. And who was it that donated their time to haul things from the park to the city dump?

Mike: The woman’s club.

Carol: No, you. Well, the woman’s club is gonna show them that you can fight city hall. I mean, this is gonna be one park that isn’t going to be extinct.

Mike: That’s the spirit, honey.

Carol: Mike.

Mike: Yep.

Carol: Do you really think a bunch of woman can save the park?

Mike: Honey, a stirred up bunch of women can save almost anything, except maybe money.

(He laughs and Carol comes after him with her brush. Mike goes into the boys’ room while they’re sleeping. He informs them to start work the next day on saving the park.)

Greg (waking up): Good night, Dad.

Mike: Oh, good night, fellas. Listen, as long as you’re awake, I want to remind you that your Mom is going to need some help tomorrow. I think you and your sisters can do your share to help save Woodland Park, okay.

Greg: We will, Dad.

Peter: We’ll do anything to save it.

Bobby: Yeah, anything.

Mike: Good, then come straight home from school and you can start delivering those petitions your Mom has from door to door, okay?

Greg: Tomorrow?

Mike: Yeah.

Greg: Oh, I’ve got ball practice.

Peter: I’m supposed to be at Gordie’s house.

Bobby: My cub pack is going to the zoo.

Mike (sternly): You want the park, but you want someone else to do the work, is that it? Now, listen to me, if that park is worth having, it’s worth fighting for. And if you’re going to use it, you have to help do the fighting. You don’t leave it to someone else.

Greg: You’re right, Dad. We get the message.

Peter: We’ll come straight home.

Bobby: Yeah, who needs a zoo. You’ve seen one monkey, you’ve seen them all.

(He makes faces and funny sounds imitating a monkey.)

Mike (laughing): Good night, boys.

(The next scene has Carol talking on the phone with one of her friends.)

Carol: Listen Gloria, if you can’t notify the members yourself, get the vice-chairman to call. And don’t ask her to, tell her to. (She sips her coffee, then goes in for a shock) When did I get to be vice-chairman? Thanks a lot for appointing me, Gloria. No, no, I don’t mind at all. I’ve got the children helping me.

(Next, Greg comes in the kitchen and sees Alice.)

Alice: I was about to issue an all-points bulletin on you.

Greg: All points is right. I must have walked a hundred miles getting these petitions signed. Is Mom home?

Alice: No, she’s still at the woman’s club emergency meeting.

(Greg goes in the refrigerator and takes something out in a doggy bag.)

Greg: Alice, what’s this?

Alice: Leftovers.

Greg: Leftover what?

Alice: Beats me, it’s been left over so long, I forgot.

(Greg smells it and puts it back. Carol comes in.)

Carol: Hi.

Greg: Hi, Mom.

Alice: How did your meeting go?

Carol (sitting down): Grand, just grand. The women voted unanimously to fight City Hall.

Alice: Then why so gloomy?

Carol: Because they elected me head of the Save Woodland Park committee. Do you realize how much work that means?

Greg: If you didn’t want the job, you shouldn’t have accepted the nomination.

Carol; No way.

Greg: Why?

Carol: Because I got so carried away by a speech that I made, I volunteered.

Alice (laughing): Congratulations.

Carol (bitterly): Thanks, Alice.

(Meanwhile, Mike is at the office when he comes into Mr. Phillips’ office.)

Mike: You wanted to see me, Mr. Phillips?

Phillips: I certainly did, Mike. You shoot darts?

Mike: Well, I’m no expert.

Phillips: Great for creative thinking. I get some of my best ideas shooting darts. (He misses, then hands a dart to Mike) Try one.

Mike: I’m not very good at it.

Phillips: Oh, go ahead. Try it anyway.

(Mike throws a dart and hits the board.)’

Mike: Oh, it’s just beginner’s luck. Well, I’m sure you didn’t call me in here to throw darts. What’s up?

Phillips: Mike, you’ve always gone all out for this company. I mean, Saturdays, weekends sometimes.

Mike: Well, when emergencies come up.

Phillips: Well, never mind the modesty. So I’m going to show my appreciation on our new contract. I’m going to put you in charge.

Mike: Thanks, Mr. Philips. What’s the project?

Phillips: Our firm finally broke the barrier with the city. We landed our first municipal contract.

Mike: Oh, that’s great.

Phillips: Mmm hmmm, we’re gonna design the new courthouse in the Woodland Park area.

Mike (shocked): The Woodland Park area? The Woodland Park?

Phillips: How many Woodland Parks are there?

Mike: Hmmm, not enough.

Phillips: Mike, you don’t seem too happy about this.

Mike: Happy isn’t the word, Mr. Phillips. Speechless is what I am.

(That evening, Mike spills the bad news to Carol.)

Carol (upset): Mike, you’re kidding. Your firm is tearing down the park? Well, Carol, it’s not exactly my firm.

Carol: You work for it. You’re a park wrecker.

Mike: Oh, honey, we don’t wreck. We design and build.

Carol: Yeah, concrete jungles.

Mike: Look Carol, I feel as badly about it as you do, but, I had nothing to do about it. I’m an employee. (He starts holding her) Come on, you can understand that, can’t you?

Carol (morosely): Yeah, I guess so.

Mike: That’s more like it. I hope the kids understand that, too.

(The boys are upstairs in their room discussing the matter.)

Bobby: Benedict Arnold, who’s he?

Peter: He was a traitor.

Greg: Dad’s no traitor.

Bobby: I still don’t get it.

Greg (impatiently): All right, this is the last time I’m going to explain it. Dad’s an architect. The city hired the company he works for to build a new courthouse. They’re gonna build it where the park is, you got it?

Bobby (doubtful): Yeah, got it.

Peter: I don’t see why Dad can’t tell his boss to turn the job down.

Greg: Boy, you sure don’t know anything about big business.

Bobby: Yeah, you don’t know nothing.

(He hits Peter on the stomach. The girls are discussing the situation in their room.)

Marcia: I sure would like to know Dad’s side of this.

Jan: Mom told Alice that if we don’t fight city hall now, we’ll all be living in concrete jungles.

Cindy: What does that mean?

Jan: No more parks.

Marcia: No more green grass, no more flowers and no more trees.

Cindy: Where will they put all the squirrels?

(Next, Mike is talking to Carol, Greg and Marcia. he encourages them  and the whole family to continue what they’re doing.)

Mike: Now, let’s get this straight, once and for all. Mr. Phillips employs me, see, he doesn’t employ my family. What you do as private citizens is strictly your own business.

Marcia: Then we can keep up the fight?

Greg: And go ahead and do our own thing?

Carol: Absolutely, even though your father has to do this own thing.

Mike: Right, and your own thing is stopping that courthouse from getting built in Woodland Park. My own thing, business as usual.

Alice: Well, my own thing is getting everybody to the dinner table. We’re having chicken and its own thing is getting fricasseed.

(The next scene has Mike driving to the house and honking for Carol to come join him.)

Carol (coming down the stairs): Well, Alice, how do I look?

Alice: Beautiful. (Carol heads for the door) Just turn on your charm, Mr. Brady. You’re going to take City Hall without firing a shot.

Carol: Oh, don’t worry, Alice, I’ll really pour it on.

Alice: Good luck.

(She leaves, Carol returns in a dejected mood and gives Alice the thumbs down gesture.)

Alice: I’m afraid to ask what happened.

Carol: Well Alice, they served us weak coffee and stale doughnuts and then they threw us to the lions, with a smile of course.

Alice: Oh, of course. You can’t be a politician nowadays without a Permapress smile. What now?

Carol: Well, the handwriting’s on the wall, Alice. When everything’s against you, and all hope is gone, there’s only one thing left to do.

Alice: What?

Carol (confidently): Really get in there and fight.

(She puts her arm around Alice and they head to the kitchen. Next, the family room looks like a campaign area, with signs all over. Alice comes in to see Carol.)

Alice: Can you use some more sandwiches, Mrs.Brady?

Carol: Oh, thanks alice. Hey girls, (to her friends) Hey girls, more sandwiches. Just dig in, okay.

(The phone rings.)

Alice (answering): Save Woodland Park, it’s for the birds. (Pause) Oh, yes, Mrs. Burns, okay. Right away, hmm. Uh, Peter, Peter, precinct three needs more petitions and more handbills, okay?

Peter: Okay. (to Carol) Mom, I thought of a new slogan.

Carol: Yeah.

Peter: Mother Nature’s still alive and living in Woodland Park.

Carol: Peter, that’s great.

(Greg runs in.)

Greg: Look, Mom, Mr. Clinton agreed to run off as many as these bumper stickers as we need, free.

Carol: Hey, we’ll put them on every bumper in this town.

Greg: Including the mayor’s.

Bobby: Hey, Mom, we made a new sign.

Cindy: How do you like it?

Carol: Oh, I think it’s beautiful.

Jan: S.O.P. What does that mean?

Bobby: Save our park, S.O.P.

Carol: Sure, silly. (The phone rings and Carol answers it) Save Woodland Park. (Pause) Hey, Rhonda, that’s great. You bet. We’ll be there in full strength. (to her friends) Hey girls, we put our first press conference set,and guess what. it’s going to be held smack dab on the front steps of City Hall.

(The kids cheer. We show the family an d a group of others on a protest march, while they’re playing patriotic music. Mr. Phillips storms into Mike’s office.)

Phillips: Mike.

Mike: Yes, Mr. Phillips.

Phillips: I just came from City Hall. It’s virtually under siege.

Mike: Siege, under siege?

Phillips: There’s a whole mass of people milling around, holding a press conference, and they’re saying some pretty nasty things about leveling parks and building courthouses.

Mike: Mr. Phillips, that’s democracy at work. It’s free speech.

Phillips (bitterly): Seven of them are named Brady.

Mike: Well, look, Mr. Phillips, Woodland park is right near our home.

Phillips: Mike, your family is jeopardizing to our contract with the city, and that contract is awfully important to this firm.

Mike: Woodland Park is very important to my family.

Phillips: Mike, let me put it this way. What’s important to you? Your job for instance? I mean, how am I going to explain your position to my board of directors?

Mike: Meaning what, Mr. Phillips?


(Mr. Philips storms out of the office, leaving Mike to ponder how to remedy the situation as the scene fades.)

untitled s.o.p.

(The next scene has Mike coming home, extremely upset over the situation.)

Carol: Oh hi, honey.

Mike: Hello, sweetheart.

(He kisses her. Carol notices his somber mood.)

Carol: What’s wrong?

(Mike groans as he puts his briefcase down.)

Mike: I don’t like ultimatums no matter how nicely they’re put.

Carol: Ultimatums, what about?

(Mike walks up the stairs as Cindy and Peter come down, with Peter holding his sign.)

Cindy: We had a press conference.

Mike: Yeah, I know.

Peter: Hey Dad, how do you like my sign?

Mike: Just fine, Peter.

(He walks by them angrily.)

Peter (to Carol): What’s wrong with Dad?

Cindy: Is he sick?

Carol: Well, your father’s got something on his mind, and, Alice has got dinner on the stove so let’s wash up.

(She sends them upstairs and goes out to the kitchen to see Alice.)

Carol: Anything I can do, Alice?

Alice: Not a thing, Mrs. Brady.

Carol (peeking in the pot): Mmm, that should help.

Alice: Help what?

Carol: Mr. Brady’s disposition. He’s pretty upset about something at the office.

Alice: Well, there’s nothing like food to take your mind off your troubles. If your trouble isn’t heartburn, that is.

(Greg is in the family room reading. Mr. Phillips calls and Carol answers.)

Carol: I’ll get it, Alice. (She picks up the phone) Hello.

Phillips: Hello, Mrs. Brady. This is Harry Phillips.

Carol: Hello Mr. Phillips. I’ll get Mike for you.

Phillips: No, no, no, wait a minute. It’s you I want to talk to. I guess Mike’s told you all about it.

Carol: All about it?

Phillips: I wanted to give you my side of it. I regret the stand I had to take with Mike today, but, I do have a business to run.

Carol: Well, Mr. Phillips…

Phillips: I know you’ll do the right thing, Mrs. Brady. So you just stop bothering City Hall with your women’s club and we’ll forget what I said about Mike’s job.

Carol: Oh, I see. Well, thank you for calling, Mr. Philips. (She hangs up) So that’s what bothering Mike, Woodland Park or his job.

(Carol goes into Mike’s office, where he is working on a design.)

Carol: How goes it, honey?

Mike: Oh, just fine, sweetheart.

Carol: Mike, I’ve been thinking, it seems so futile to fight City Hall and, well, I think I’m going to give it up.

Mike (looking up): Give it up, hey, that doesn’t sound like the Joan the Arc of Woodland Park I know. Why the sudden switch?

Carol: Well, it’s such a big deal, you know. They’re a bunch of tough, battle scarred politicians and we’re just a bunch of naïve rookies.

Mike: Well, I’ll tell you, I’ll take a beautiful blonde rookie over a tough old politician any day.

(They hug and kiss. Greg comes in.)

Greg (knocking): Dad.

Mike: Will you cool it while I’m through smooching with my blonde rookie here?

Greg: Dad.

Mike: What is it, son?

Greg: Well, us kids have been thinking and we decided that Woodland Park just isn’t worth fighting for.

Mike (shocked): What?

Greg: We can find another place to play. Besides, it’s too much work keeping the park clean.

Mike (suspicious): Okay you two, what gives?

Carol: Gives?

Mike: Yeah, it doesn’t take a Jack Frost to recognize a snow job. Come on, come on, come on.

Greg: Well, I overheard Mom talking to your boss.

Carol: Mr. Phillips called.

Mike: He called you?

Carol: Well, he wanted to explain things.

Mike: Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Carol (impatiently): Well, I know, I now, from his point of view.

Mike: I know, but let’s remember my point of view. Now look, we made a deal. You do your thing, I do mine. Nothing’s changed. Woodland Park was worth fighting for, it’s worth fighting for now. You want to fight City Hall or you wanna fight me?

Greg: City Hall, and we better hit the pavement with those petitions again.

(He leaves the den.)

Carol: Mike.

Mike: Hmm.

Carol: What if you lose your job?

Mike: Well honey, the only thing we have to fear is the unemployment office.

Carol: I love you.

Mike: Hmm.

(They kiss. Alice is outside a house with Marcia, Bobby and Cindy.)

Alice: Marcia, you take that house over there. We’ll try here, okay.

Marcia: Okay, be right back.

Bobby: Can we do this one ourselves, Alice?

Alice: Oh, okay, I’ll wait right here.

(They walk up to the door and ring the bell. A man comes out.)

Man: What do you want?

Bobby: Will you please sign a petition, mister?

Cindy: To save Woodland Park.

Man: Save it from what?

Bobby: They want to put up a crummy old building.

Cindy: And it’s the only park left where us kids can play.

Bobby: Mom says it belongs to the people.

(The man bitterly shakes his head no.)

Man: You radicals sure start young.

(He goes inside and closes the door.)

Cindy: What’s a radical?

Bobby (shrugging): I guess it’s somebody who likes to play in parks.

(They walk over to Alice.)

Cindy: He wouldn’t sign, Alice.

Alice: Yeah, I heard. (She takes Cindy’s petition) Here, let me have a try. You two go and join Marcia, okay?

(Alice goes up to the door and rings the bell.)

Man: Yeah.

Alice: Hi there. Is the lady of the house at home?

Man: Well, there ain’t no lady of the house.

Alice: You mean a big, strong, handsome man like you isn’t married?

Man: Well, maybe it’s that I ain’t met Miss Right yet.

(They laugh.)

Alice: Well, if you were married, and if you had kids, I can tell that you’re the kind of sensitive, intelligent guy that would want them to have a safe place to play, right?

Man: You sure got me pegged, sister. (He checks her over) Say, uh, I don’t see no ring on that finger, either.

Alice: No, they just call me Alice Available. (They both laugh again) Would you like to sign a petition to save a park for kids?

Man: Oh, sure. (He takes the paper and signs) Say, uh, what are you doing tonight, cutie?

Alice: Well, I just thought I’d play it by ear.

Man: What do you say we get together, you know, find some real romantic spot, like, my place? Get it?

Alice: Do I ever. (He hands the petition back after signing) Zip code. (He writes it down) Why don’t you get a couple of big juicy steaks, a bottle of champagne, couple of candles for the table, got the picture?

Man (handing back the petition): I got it.

Alice: And my boyfriend and I will be over to eat it.

Man: Right.

(She walks away and the man realizes he’d been had.)

(Next, Peter and Jan are racing through the kitchen with signs. Alice slows them down.)

Alice: Hold it!

Peter: We’ll be late, Alice.

Jan: We’re on picket duty from 4 to 5 on City Hall.

Alice: Well, your mother called from the combat zone. There’s been a change in strategy.

Jan: What kind of change?

Alice: You’re on park duty. Your brothers and sisters are over there right now cleaning it up.

Jan: What’s the use of keeping it clean if we might lose it?

Alice: That’s the wrong attitude. You got to stay confident. And remember what John Paul Jones always said when things looked bad?

Jan: What?

Alice: Well, I don’t remember exactly, but, it worked every time.

Peter: I remember what he said. I have not yet begun to fight.

Alice: Right, that’s it, and that’s the spirit. Okay kids, let’s go, hup 2,3,4, hup.

(The next scene has carol laying on the family room couch with Alice putting pillows underneath her feet.)

Alice: Oh, that’s a couple of picket weary dogs you got there, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Oh, Alice, I bet if I put them in water, they’d steam. Are the kids over at the park?

Alice: Yeah, they’re cleaning it up.

Carol: I hope we’re doing the right thing, Alice.

Alice: I know what you mean, Mrs. Brady, but that’s the way Mr. Brady wants it.

Mike (walking in): Exactly the way.

Carol: Oh, hi dear, I didn’t hear you come in.

Alice: I’ll see about dinner.

(She goes to the kitchen.)

Mike: Well, how’s my little wife, the picket?

(He reaches down and kisses her.)

Carol: Worried. How did it go today?

Mike: Oh, fine. Just fine.

Carol: Well, didn’t Mr. Phillips say anything?

Mike: No, not a word. Not a single word.

Carol: Wonderful!

Mike: He was out all day.

Carol: Oh, Mike. Well, maybe he’ll change his mind.

Mike: Why? He thinks he’s right.

Carol: Well, I think he’s wrong.

(Greg, Cindy and Peter come in.)

Peter: We cleaned up the park.

Greg: Dad, will you drive us over to the dump so we can unload all the stuff we collected?

Cindy: It’s outside in bags.

Mike: Okay, give me a minute to change me duds.

(He gets up to go upstairs.)

Cindy: Daddy, can I go with you? I love dumps. They’re nice and messy.

(Mike leaves with the kids. We show them returning home.)

Carol: Hi kids, hi honey. Perfect timing. Dinner’s almost ready, so hurry up and wash up.

Mike (going up to Carol): Hi, honey.

Carol: Oh, hi dear.

(He kisses her.)

Mike: Listen, I got more important things to do right now than eat. Okay?

Carol: What’s up?

Mike: I think, I think I got the answer to the Woodland Park problem.

Carol: Oh honey, that’s wonderful.

Mike: Yeah, yeah, I’ll be in my den.

Carol: Well, what about dinner?

Mike: Keep it warm. I’ll have it for breakfast.

(We see Mike hard at work in his den working on some designs to move the courthouse to the City Dump. Afterwards, he shows his plans to Mr. Philips at the office.)

Mike: The city dump property is a perfect site for the courthouse, Mr. Philips. With this new freeway section open, it has easier access than Woodland Park, and better working facilities.

Phillips: And you say the costs are lower?

Mike: Oh, considerably. Woodland Park has terrific drainage problems and storm drains don’t come cheap.

Phillips: Oh, hardly.

Mike: Well, what do you think?

Phillips: Mike, I think you got a splendid idea here. I’ll submit it to City Hall immediately.

Mike: Think they’ll buy it?

Phillips: They’ll be crazy not to. It’s a bargain. And who doesn’t look for a bargain. Except my wife.

(The next scene has Mike at home in the family room, with Carol, Marcia and Greg.)

Mike: No, that be no problem at all. Oh, I’ll get on it right away. Great, Mr. Phillips. Yeah, I’ll see you in the morning. (He hangs up, to the others) They bought it! The whole idea!

(They cheer and Carol hugs Mike.)

Alice (coming in): What happened?

Carol: Alice, we won!

Greg: We get to keep the park!

(Alice whistles in victory.)

Mike: Listen, that’s not all. City Hall wants me to design the new city courthouse.

Carol (hugging him): Oh, Mike!

Greg: That’s great, Dad!

Carol: Hey, wait a minute. Will Mr. Phillips go along with that?

Mike: Oh, I hate to tell you, you can’t fight City Hall.

Greg: Oh, yes you can Dad, yes you can.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike showing Carol his design of the new courthouse.)

Carol: Mike, that courthouse is the most beautiful building I’ve ever seen.

Mike: Oh, you say that about all my buildings.

(Greg comes in in a depressed mood.)

Greg: Hi, Dad.

Carol: Oh hi, Greg. What’s the matter.

Greg: Guess what?

Carol: what?

Greg: They finally decided where to locate the new city dump.

Mike: Oh yeah, where?

Greg: Inside Woodland Park.

Carol (upset): Woodland Park?

Mike: The new dump?

Greg: I just heard it on the news. ( he starts walking away) Oh, and I’ll tell you something else, too.

Carol and Mike: What?

Greg: I’m putting you on.

(They get upset and chase him out of the den. Mike takes his plans to hit him with.)

untitled petition

                                  THE END

S2 E21 The Winner

untitled trophy

The Winner

Written by Elroy Schwartz

Bobby feels sorry for himself when he realizes he’s the only Brady kid who hasn’t won a trophy. He then becomes a frantic competitor, entering contest after contest. I hope you enjoy the script.












BOY selling magazines

CARTOON KING, host of  a children’s show

(The episode begins with Greg and Peter playing basketball and Cindy coming up to them. She shows them a trophy she just won. She runs inside the house and shows Alice. Next, she runs down the stairs with the rest of the family, with Alice waiting.)

Carol: What is all the excitement?

Greg: What is going on here, we were playing basketball.

Cindy: Look what I won, Mommy.

Mike: Hey, That’s some trophy. Look at that.

Cindy: Look, Daddy.

Marcia: How did you win it?

Cindy: For being the best jack player at the playground.

(The family checks out the trophy and praises Cindy.)

Greg (looking at the trophy): Nice going, Cindy.

Peter: Yeah.

Greg: It’s really neat.

Peter: Wow.

Mike: Looks like we’re gonna hafta build a trophy case for all the Brady trophies, right?

(Bobby starts to walk upstairs.)

Peter: Hey Bobby, where are you going?

(Bobby goes into his room and checks out the trophies won by his brothers. He puts on an alligator mask, then goes in the girls’ room and sees Marcia’s and Jan’s trophies.)

Bobby: Now everyone’s got a trophy, except me. I’ll never win at anything.

(He puts the mask over his face as the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Bobby moping in the closet and Carol and Mike come in to see him.)

Bobby: Hi.

Carol: Hi. What are you doing in there?

Bobby: Thinking.

Mike: You want to do some talking?

Bobby: Okay.

(Bobby remains in the closet.)

Mike: You want to come out or should we come in?

Bobby: I don’t think there’s anything you can do.

(He comes out of the closet and sits down on the top bunk.)

Carol: Well, you never can tell. Why don’t you try us, honey.

Bobby: Well (Pause) Well (Pause) It’s (Pause) It’s nothing.

Mike: Oh, if it takes that long to say it’s nothing, it’s something.

Carol: Bobby, if you don’t tell us we can’t help you.

Bobby (petulantly): Everybody’s won a trophy except me, even the girls.

Carol: But Bobby, they’re older than you.

Bobby: Well Cindy isn’t, and boy, if she can win one and I can’t, I’m nothing.

Mike: Well son, you know, you haven’t entered that many contests.

Bobby: Sure I have. The last one was the swimming race at he Y. I came in fourth.

Carol: Well, I think that’s pretty good.

Bobby: There were only four guys in the race.

Mike: Look, how are you going to win at anything if you don’t keep trying?

Carol: Your father’s right, you know.

Bobby: You really think so?

Mike: I’m positive. Just pick something you’re good at, just one thing, stick with it.

Carol: And then I’ll bet you’ll win.

Bobby: One thing, huh?

(Bobby is playing a game of checkers with Peter.)

Peter: Ha ha, triple jump, you can’t win now. You wanna play another game?

Bobby (angry): No, dumb game.

(He shoves the checker board and storms off, to Peter’s surprise.)

(Next, Marcia and Jan are playing a ring toss game in the backyard, with Bobby looking on.)

Marcia (giggling to Jan): Okay, come on.

(Jan throws a ring on the pole and she nd Marcia cheer.)

Marcia: You got it!

Jan: I can’t believe it!

Bobby: That’s a cinch, anybody can get it from there.

Jan: If it’s so easy, let’s see you do it.

Marcia: Yeah.

(Jan gets all the rings form the pole.)

Marcia; Hurry up.

Jan (to Bobby): You can have all of them.

Marcia: Okay.

(Bobby throws one ring but misses.)

Marcia: That was a good try, Bobby. Do it again.

(Bobby angrily throws the rest of the rings and runs off)

(Greg meets Peter outside.)

Peter: Hey, where you going? I thought we were gonna shoot some baskets.

Greg (upset): I thought so, too. But Bobby doesn’t think so and it’s ball.

Peter: So what?

Greg: So I beat him at free throws and now he won’t let us use it.

(The next scene has Greg and Marcia angrily marching to Mike and Carol.)

Greg: Dad, Mom, can we see you for a minute?

Carol: What’s up?

Marcia: Well, we’ve all talked it over and…

Greg: All of us except Bobby.

Marcia: Yeah, except Bobby and we think you should know.

Mike: Know what?

Greg: Well, Bobby’s been a real stinker.

Carol: Greg, you know I don’t like that word.

Greg: It’s the only word that really fits, mom.

Carol: Well, what’s the problem?

Marcia: Everything. No matter what any of us are doing, he’s just a real stinker.

Carol (firmly): Marcia, I just told Greg I don’t wanna hear that word.

Marcia: Sorry, Mom, but that’s what he’s been.

Greg: He blows his cork every time he doesn’t win at something.

Mike: Well then, that’s it.

Carol: Bobby’s still upset.

Greg: What’s he upset about?

Carol: Well, all the rest of you kids have won trophies for one thing or another.

Mike: And he’s the only one who hasn’t and it’s got him down.

Greg: Gee, I never thought about that.

Marcia: Me either.

Greg: It’s really got him bugged, huh.

Carol: Sure, that’s the reason he’s being such a…

Greg, Marcia and Mike: Stinker.

Carol (laughing): Stinker.

Mike: Well, I hope he wins at something soon. It’s the only thing he seems to have on his mind.

(That evening, Bobby is sleeping and has a dream he’s in the Dodgers.)

Announcer: It’s the last game in the World Series, and it’s up to Bobby Brady. Two out in the ninth, the series is all tied up. Can he do it? Can he pull it out of the bag for the Dodgers? (We see a shot of a batter (Bobby) hitting the ball) Bobby Brady did it! He hit his fifth home run of the game, a World Series record! The Dodgers win! (We next see Bobby being presented with a trophy) Bobby Brady, we present you with this trophy for the greatest performance on the baseball field in the history of the game.

Bobby (holding the trophy): That was nothing. Wait till next season.

(Bobby has another dream of being  a speedboat driver.

Announcer: Can Bobby Brady do it? Can he come from last place, with a hole in his boat, not enough gas, and only a hundred yards left. (We show his speedboat picking up speed) Bobby Brady is making his move. He did it, it’s fantastic! Believe it or not, Bobby Brady won. (We see Bobby about to receive a new trophy) Bobby Brady, congratulations. You’re the world’s greatest speedboat driver.

Bobby: Sure looks that way.

(He get his trophy and then has another dream of being a ski jumper.)

Announcer: The last jumper of the day is Bobby Brady. Here he comes. He takes off like a bird. He’s flying, flying, still flying, he broke the world’s record! Bobby Brady wins! (Bobby comes out to receive his trophy) Bobby Brady, we present you with this trophy for being the best ski jumper who ever lived.

(Bobby wakes up and falls out of bed. He notices one of his brother’s trophies on the desk.)

Bobby (to himself): I just gotta getta trophy, I just gotta get one.

(The scene fades.)

untitled contest

(The next scene has Bobby in the family room. He is watching Kartoon King on television.)

Kartoon King: All right all you kiddies out there, this is Kartoon King reminding you to be sure and wash your ears good tonight because in case you dream, you want to hear what you’re dreaming about. You get it? (laughing) You can hear what you’re… Oh, I made that up myself. Oh, and I want to remind you to be sure to tune in tomorrow to Kartoon King because I’ve got a real wonderful announcement to make. A real special surprise. Well, so long, kids. Bye bye now.

(The doorbell rings. Alice comes in from the kitchen.)

Alice: Bobby, can you catch that? I can’t leave the kitchen. (He turns off the television, then runs to the door.) If you don’t time noodles just right, you’ve got a pot full of rubber bands.

(The doorbell rings and Bobby catches it. It’s a boy selling magazines.)

Boy: Hi.

Bobby: Hi.

Boy: Your mother home?

Bobby: No.

Boy: Your father home?

Bobby: No. What do you want?

Boy: I’m selling magazines.

Bobby: Magazines, what kind?

Boy: All kinds. You wanna buy a subscription?

Bobby: No.

Boy: Okay.

Bobby: Boy, you sure don’t know how to sell anything.

Boy: I do too.

Bobby: Then how come you give up so easy?

Boy: Why waste my time on you? I’m trying to win a contest.

Bobby: Contest, what kind?

Boy: For selling the most prescriptions.

Bobby: What’s the prize?

Boy: First prize is a college education, but I’d rather have the second prize, a mini-bike. Then there’s this trophy.

Bobby: All you have to do to win is sell dumb old magazines?

Boy: Uh-huh, and I’m going to win.

Bobby: Oh yeah, I bet I can sell more prescriptions than you.

Boy: I bet you couldn’t.

Bobby: I’ll prove it. How do I get in?

Boy: You got to send in an application?

Bobby: Where do I get one?

Boy: Out of one of these magazines. You want to have one?

Bobby: Sure.

(He reaches for a magazine but the boy stops him.)

Boy: That’ll be 35 cents.

(Bobby takes money out of his pocket. Carol comes into Mike’s den.)

Carol: Guess what I just bought.

Mike: Whatever it is, I would gladly exchange it for a plaster screw. I’m going to have to go to the hardware store. What’s that?

Carol: A subscription to a magazine.

Mike: Another magazine. Carol, this place is beginning to look like a dentist’s office.

Carol: Well, I’m sorry. I just couldn’t resist the salesman.

Mike (jealous): Oh really, Carol, hmmm.

Carol: Yeah, he’s got beautiful brown hair and big green eyes and he’s 4″3″.

Mike: The only person I know who’s 4’3″ is…

Carol: Bobby.

Mike: Bobby?

Carol: Yeah, he’s in a magazine selling contest. (She gets an idea) We do know an awful lot of people.

Mike (getting the idea): You mean, between the two of us, we could…

Carol: that’s exactly what I was thinking.

(They hug. Carol is on the phone with one of her friends.)

Carol: I really enjoyed lunch, Kathy. Yeah, I’ll have to get the recipe for that salad dressing. Listen, Kathy, uh, I’d like to ask you a little favor. Yeah, well, you know Bobby is selling subscriptions to a magazine.

Mike: Yeah, next Saturday’s great, I’ll meet you at the tee at 7:00 sharp. Oh, George, listen, I might just give you two strokes aside this time. Yeah, yeah, that’s right, two strokes aside. Yeah, and by the way, George, my son Bobby is selling magazines.

(Upstairs, Greg and Peter state they bought subscriptions from Bobby.)

Greg: You too? How many subscriptions did you take?

Peter: Just one, for the sports magazines. That’s all I could afford.

Greg: I ordered three magazines.

Peter: Three? Where did you get the money?

Greg: Dad raised my allowance.

(Marcia is in her room and Jan and Cindy come running in.)

Cindy: Marcia, will you lend me a dollar?

Jan: And me 70 cents?

Marcia: What for?

Jan: What else, I’m gonna order one of Bobby’s magazines.

Cindy: I’m taking two subscriptions to the same magazine.

Marcia: Why would you take two subscriptions to the same magazine?

Cindy: I guess Bobby’s a good salesman.

(Alice is in the kitchen waving a mop as Carol comes to see her.)

Carol (calling): Alice!

Alice: Yes, Mrs. Brady.

Carol (coming from the service porch): I’m very angry with you.

Alice: You are, what did I do?

Carol: Really, Alice. 6 subscriptions from Bobby.

Alice: Oh, that. I’m sorry Mrs. Brady. That’s all I could afford.

Carol: Oh, Alice.

(She laughs. Bobby is in his room counting his orders. Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Bobby.

Bobby: Yeah.

Cindy: Can I trade one of my comic magazines for a beauty magazine?

Bobby: Okay.

Cindy: What are you doing?

Bobby: Straightening out my orders. Boy, am I a salesman. Wait until I tell Mom and Dad I sold magazines to a lot of their friends. Mr. Jackson and Mr. Morton.

Cindy: They know that.

Bobby: How?

Cindy: Because they told all of them that (Pause) Well, they just know.

Bobby: They told all of them what?

Cindy: Nothing, I think I hear Marcia calling me.

(She runs in her room.)

Bobby: They told all of them what?

(Downstairs, Carol is dressed up and ready to go out.)

Alice: Well, don’t you look pretty.

Carol: Oh, thanks, Alice. We should be home fairly early.

Mike (calling): Carol!

Carol: I’m coming, dear. (to Alice) Now listen, Alice, if you need us, the Baxters number is in the book, okay?

Alice: Okay.

Carol: Good night, dear.

Alice: Good night, have fun.

(Carol runs to the living room to join Mike.)

Mike: Honey, we’re 15 minutes late.

Carol: Oh, I’m sorry, dear.

Bobby (coming down the stairs): Mom, Dad, these subscriptions belong to you.

Carol: I don’t understand.

Bobby (upset): you called up all your friends and told them to buy subscriptions from me.

Mike: Well, I suppose that’s true. But you sold the magazines to them.

Bobby: No I didn’t, you did, because you don’t think I can win anything on my own.

Carol: Oh, honey, yes we do.

Bobby: I’ll win something on my own or else I won’t win at all.

(He throws the subscriptions on the floor and storms upstairs on the verge of tears.)

Carol: You know, Mike, I think we made a mistake.

Mike: Well, honey, parents can be human, too.

(The next day, Bobby is in the family room watching Kartoon King and wearing his alligator mask.)

Kartoon King: Okay, all you kids out there in my Kartoon Kingdom, who likes ice cream? If you do, shout me.

Bobby: Me!

Kartoon King: What’s your favorite flavor?

Bobby (lifting his mask): Strawberry.

Kartoon King: Oh, everybody who said chocolate, raise your hand.

Bobby: Chocolate? (He blows a raspberry)

Kartoon King: Oh, no matter. Whether you like chocolate or what flavor, you like ice cream and you are going to enter our contest of eating ice cream. Now, that means that we’re looking for the boy or the girl who can eat ice cream faster than anyone else.

Bobby: I can eat it fast.

Kartoon King (cackling): What fun. And the winner will receive my Kartoon King golden scoop trophy, plus, all the ice cream you can eat for a whole yummy year.

(He rubs his stomach.)

Bobby: Wow, a whole year?

Kartoon King: Now, the first six kids out there who call me at the station are going to get picked for our great delicious lick-off. Here’s the telephone number. Are you ready, kids?

Bobby: Yeah.

Kartoon King: Listen. 555-6161, and if that’s a toll call, it’s still 555-6161. Get on those phones and make them hum.

(Bobby gets on the phone and dials. He makes a mistake and hangs up. He dials again.)

Bobby: Kartoon King show? My name is Bobby Brady, and can I eat ice cream fast.

(Next, Bobby is leaving with Carol and Mike for the contest. Alice and the rest of the kids are seeing him off.)

Carol: Come on, Bobby honey, we’re going to be late.

Greg (shouting): Good luck, Bobby.

Marcia: Have a good time!

Jan: You’ll win!

Alice: You can out lick them, Bobby.

Marcia: You’ll do it, Bobby!

Jan: You sure can!

Bobby (getting in the car): Don’t worry, I’ll win.

(The kids continue to cheer him on as they drive off.)

(Down at the station, Bobby and the other kids in the contest are getting ready as Kartoon King and his crew are about to start the show. Kartoon King hands a crewman his glass of water.)

Kartoon King: My water, take my water. Oh, my scepter, bring me my scepter.

(A camera man yelled they had 10 seconds to go.)

Kartoon King: 10 seconds? Phew!

(Meanwhile, Carol is helping Bobby get ready. Bobby accidentally gets ice cream on his plastic smock.)

Bobby: Ew, yuck.

Carol: Oh, that’s okay, honey. Good luck honey.

(A trumpet sound signals the show is starting. The Kartoon King looks at the camera and speaks.)

Kartoon King: Hi there, boys and girls out in Kartoon Kingdom. It’s time for our ice cream eating contest. You’re going to have a lot of fun today, I know. And, the one who finishes his dish first is going to win this great big Kartoon King golden scoop trophy. What fun! Ha-ha, how about that, kids, huh? Well, now, and for one whole yummy year, all the ice cream the winner can eat. (He turns to the kids) Okay, kids, are we ready? are we ready? All right then, on your mark, get set, and… hold it just a minute. (He noticed all the kids had spoons) Where did you get these spoons? No spoons allowed in this contest. No, sir. (He looks at the camera) Right, kids? Ha-ha, oh, yeah. No spoons allowed in this contest at all. (He turns to Bobby, who is seated at the end of the table) Why, it isn’t any fun eating ice cream with a spoon.

Bobby: How are we supposed to eat it?

Kartoon King: Well, that’s a good question, and I’ve got a good answer. With your mouth. (He looks at the camera again) Ha-ha, with your mouth, right kids? Ha-ha, all right, here we go then, everybody ready? On your mark, get ready, get set, get ready and, oh, hold it, hold it. (He notices the kids are about to dig their hands in the ice cream) I forgot again.Hands behind your backs everybody. (They put their hands behind them) That’s it. All the way behind your backs, that’s it. Put your hands, that’s good, all right. I think we’re ready now.  (Alice and the kids are watching from home) On your mark, get ready, hands behind your back, get set, and, hold it just a minute! I really forgot something this time. Oh. (He gets some whipped cream and adds it to the ice cream) Look at this, oh. look, isn’t this beautiful? That looks just good enough to eat, doesn’t it. Oh, isn’t that great? All right then, all right, kids, are you all ready? Are you ready? All right, here we go then, on your mark, get ready, all your hands behind your backs? Good. Get set, go!

(Bobby and the other kids start eating the ice cream while the kids and Alice watch from the family room, as well as Carol and Mike from the side of the set. They play carnival music while they show Bobby and the kids eating as fast as they can. Suddenly, one kid raises his hand.)

Kartoon Kid: Hold it! Hold it! We have a winner. (to the winning kid) Well, hey, you are some eater. (Someone hands him the trophy to present to the kid) Your whole mouth, right kids?

(He follows the remark with a horselaugh as the kids and Alice look on with anguish, as do Mike and Carol. Bobby sits there glumly with his mouth covered with chocolate and dripping from his chin.)

Bobby (to himself): I lost, again.

(Mike, Carol and Bobby are returning home from the contest. They are surprised to see all the lights are out.)

Carol: Hey, that’s strange. Looks like everybody’s out of the house.

Bobby: They didn’t want to stay home and see a loser.

Mike: Now that’ll do, Bob.

(They enter the house and turn on the light.)

Mike: Anybody home?

Carol: Gee, I wonder where everybody went.

(They head toward the living room.)

Mike: Alice?

(Greg and Peter turn one of the light son and yell surprise. Marcia and Jan do the same, as do Alice and Cindy. Then they all come to greet Bobby and congratulate him. )

Bobby: Don’t you know I lost? Didn’t you watch?

Marcia: We know, we saw the show.

Bobby: Then what are you congratulating me for?

(Greg pulls out a trophy.)

Greg: Well, we got this for you.

Bobby: A trophy, what for?

Peter: Read what’s on it?

Bobby (reading): To our brother Bobby, for trying harder than anyone we know. We’re proud of him. Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Cindy. (He looks up at them) Are you really proud of me?

All the kids: Sure!

Greg: Sure we are.

Bobby (excited): Boy, this is the best trophy in the world.

Cindy: Can we start the party now before the ice cream melts?

(She points to the dinner table, with ice cream and a note stating for our brother the champ.)

Bobby (disgusted): Ice cream? Ick.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike and Carol in the kitchen, drinking coffee.)

Carol: Well, we managed to survive another crisis.

Mike: That should take care of the trophies around here for a while.

Alice: There’s another one I’d like to contribute to the household collection, Mr. Brady.

(She shows them a trophy she won long before.)

Mike: Hey Alice, that’s a beauty. Where did you win that?

Alice: High school.

Carol: Let me see. (She takes the trophy and reads) Westdale High School, 19, I can’t make out the date.

Alice (proudly): I know. It was easier before I used the steel wool on it.

(Mike takes it.)

Mike: Let’s see. Alice Nelson, first place school modern dance contest?

Carol: Hey Alice, that’s great. Why didn’t you tell us you were such a good dancer?

Alice: Well, actually, I didn’t know it myself. You’d be surprised at the moves you make when the elastic breaks in your gym bloomers.

(Mike and Carol laugh.)

untitled winner