S4 E22 You Can’t Win ‘Em All

You Can’t Win ‘Em All

Written by Lois Hire

Cindy and Bobby are selected to take a test to appear on a brain quiz. Cindy passes but then develops an attitude about it. I hope you like the script.











MONTY MARSHALL, host of children’s quiz show

5 boys and girls on show

(The episode begins with Cindy coming home in a happy mood. She hops around the doghouse while Carol and Alice are inside putitng some groceries away.)

Carol: Alice, how come we buy the same things every week?

Alice: I think because we have the same kids every week.

(Cindy comes running in.)

Cindy: Mother, Alice.

Alice: Hi.

Cindy; Guess what happened at school today?

Carol: What?

Cindy: I was picked out of all the kids in school to be on a television show.

Carol: On a television show?

Cindy: Yeah, the one called Question the Kid.

Carol: Oh, that’s the one where kids from different schools compete against one another.

Cindy: Right.

Carol: Oh, that’s wonderful, sweetheart.

Alice: Congratulations, Cindy. When are you going to be on TV?

Cindy: Well, I’m not sure I’m gonna be on television, but I got picked.

Carol: You got picked to do what?

Cindy: Well, you see, there are different tests for different grades. And I got picked to take the test for my grade to see who gets picked to be on television.

Carol (hugging her): Well, that’s still terrific honey.

Bobby (coming in): Big deal. I got picked too, for my grade.

Carol: Both of you got picked?

Alice: That’s terrific.

Carol: Boy, we really got some brains in this family, huh, Alice?

Alice: Yeah, two eggheads in the same nest.

Bobby: Lots of kids get picked to take the test, but only four get to be on television.

Cindy: We’ll have to study real hard, or we wopn’t even have a chance to win.

Bobby: It’ll be a cinch, for me, anyway.

(He takes a bite out of an apple he took from the refrigerator. He and Cindy leave.)

Carol: Too bad Bobby’s suffering from a lack of confidence, isn’t it.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Bobby outside in the backyard putting up an Indian teepee. Cindy comes over to him.)

Cindy: Hey, Bobby, I got a great idea.

Bobby: What?

Cindy: We both have to take a test to be on a television show, so why don’t we study together.

Bobby: I haven’t got time.

Cindy: Why not?

Bobby: I’m busy. I’m building a real Indian teepee, like I saw in the movies.

Cindy: What’s so important about building an old teepee?

Bobby: Just ask any old Indian?

(Cindy ignores the comment and walks off. Next, Cindy is in her room studying and her sisters come in.)

Jan (to Marcia): I got to wash my hair today. Awful.

Marcia: I got to study my French. Many of it sounds like pig Latin.

Cindy: Jan, would you help me study?

Jan: I’m sorry, Cindy, I can’t. I got to wash my hair.

Cindy: Can’t you wash it tomorrow?

Jan: What? And take a chance to have it oily follicled?

Cindy: Would you help me study, Marcia?

Marcia: I can’t, Cindy. I got to study this French vocabulary.

Cindy: Then I guess I might as well forget about being on television.

(Jan and Marcia become surprised.)

Jan: You mean you made it?

Marcia: You mean you got picked to take the television test we were talking about?

Cindy: Yeah.

Jan: Well, sure we’ll help you.

Cindy: You will?

Marcia: Sure.

Jan (pointing at two books Cindy has): Gee, you have to learn both those bag books?

Cindy: Oh, no. (She takes a few more books out form underneath her bed) All these too.

(Bobby is still working on his teepee and Greg and Peter come by.)

Greg: Hey, Bobby, aren’t you supposed to be studying?

Bobby: What for?

Peter: That test for the television show. Don’t you want to be on TV?

Bobby: Sure, but I know all that stuff.

Greg: Cindy’s really studying for her test.

Bobby: Maybe I’m smarter than she is.

Peter: You’re not too smart about putting up a teepee.

Greg: Come on, let’s help.

(They try to join Bobby in putting it up.)

Bobby: Hold it, I know all about putting up one of these.

Greg (sarcastically): Well, listen to Big Chief Know it all.

(Greg and Peter walk away to play basketball.)

Greg (to Peter): You start.

(They start to play as we cut inside to Carol, who’s on the phone.)

Carol: Uh-huh, just you, the Swansons and the Clarks. No, no, no, just wear something casual. Mike’s gonna barbecue. Okay, right, on Saturday the 3rd. Okay, bye.

(She hangs up an dwe go back inside, where Bobby finished.)

Bobby: Hey, you guys. Look.

(They rush over to check out the job he did on building the teepee.)

Peter: Wow!

Greg: Not bad!

Bobby: See, I told you, I can do it all by myself. (Suddenly, the teepee collapses) Hey!

(The guys make fun of him. Next, Mike is cleaning the grill with Alice’s help.)

Mike: Hey, Alice, I think the solution is finally getting the rust off the barbecue.

Alice: The Watsons just got some special stuff that I sprayed off the grill and ate the rust right away.

Mike: Well, why don’t we use that.

Alice: Because it ate the grill too.

(Carol comes out.)

Carol: Mike, I just talked to the Clarks and the Bernsteins and they said the 3rd will be just great.

Mike: Hey, good, oh listen, I forgot to tell you I ran into Ross Allen and Don Metzger and they heard about the party from Chuck Swanson so I had to invite them too.

Carol: But, honey, if we invite the Allens and the Metzgers, then we’re gonna have to invite the Kauffmans and the Burkes.

Mike: Well, we’ll ask them too.

Carol: Steaks for 14 people?

Mike: Then I can take a loan on the house.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, why don’t we have a Mexican dinner. It costs a lot less.

Carol: Hey, Alice, that sounds like a greta idea.

Mike: Listen, I thought you wanted me to barbecue.

Alice: I got some great Mexican recipes. They come in three degrees, hot, super hot, and, pass the fire extinguisher.

Carol: I think hot will be hot enough. I’ll bet that pass the fire extinguisher one is really something special.

Alice: Automatically makes you a Mexican citizen.

(They laugh and Carol and Alice go inside. Alice shows Carol some recipes. Mike is left outside alone.)

Mike (calling): Carol.

Carol (stopping): Yeah?

Mike: What about my barbecue?

Carol: Oh, it looks just terrific. Adios.

(Mike repeats to himself sarcastically how terrific she thinks it is. He acisentally gets rust on his face.)

(Cut to the boys’ room, Grega nd Peter are tutoring Cindy for the test.)

Greg (looking in a book): Ah hah, here’s one. Who gave the famous speech that started, four score and seven years ago?

Cindy: Abraham Lincoln.

Greg: That’s right.

Peter: I’m gonna give you one to test your logic. So listen real carefully, it’s tricky.

Cindy: Okay.

Peter: You’re a bus driver, and the bus is empty. At your first stop, 10 people get on. At your second stop, nine people get off but two more get on. Okay?

Cindy: Okay?

Peter: Okay, at your next stop, two people get on, and four people get off. You got that?

Cindy: Got it.

Peter: Okay, now here’s your question. What’s the name of the bus driver?

Cindy: The name of the bus driver?

Peter: Yeah.

Cindy: How should I know?

Peter: Cindy Brady. I said younwere the bus driver. I told you it was tricky.

Cindy: That was real tricky.

Greg: Okay, here’s another one, Cindy. Let’s see if you can get this. It’s tricky now, you ready?

Cindy: I’m ready.

Greg: There’s a rooster and he’s sitting on top of a house, and it has a slanted roof. Now, when he lays an egg, which side will it roll off?

Cindy: It won’t roll off at all, because roosters don’t lay eggs.

Greg (laughing): That’s right.

Peter: That’s using logic.

(The next morning, Mike an dcarol are in the kitchen with Alice.)

Alice: Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Yeah.

Alice: I found that magazine with the recipes in it.

Carol: Good, we can get started on our smorgasbord menu.

Mike: What smorgasbord menu?

Carol: For our party on the 10th?

Mike: We’re having our party on the 3rd.

Carol: Oh, didn’t I tell you? The Kauffmans and the burkes couldn’t make it on the 3rd so we switched it to the 10th.

Mike: What about all that Mexican food?

Carol: Oh, honey, you see, the Swansons and the Allens have guests that weekend, and the Metzger’s uncle is visiting them form Seattle. So, they have to bring them along and it’s too many people for a sit down dinner.

Alice: So, instead of Mexican dinner on the 3rd, we’re gonna have smorgasbord on the 10th.

Carol: Right.

Mike: We not only change dates, we change continents.

(Bobby and Cindy come out, ready for school.)

Mike: Oh, that’s right. Today is the day of the TV test, isn’t it?

Bobby: I got it down cold.

Mike: Yeah, good luck.

Carol: Good luck, honey. (she turns to Cindy) How about you, Cindy, are you ready for it?

Cindy: Well, I’ll just try to do my best.

Carol: Well, honey, that’s all any of us can do. (She kisse sher) Good-bye.

(Cindy kisses mike good bye.)

Mike: Good luck. (Cindy leaves and Mike starts mumbling to himself) I don’t understand what happened, we got smorgasbord, when we have 40 pounds of Mexican food. the party on the 10th is on the 3rd. I wonder how this happened.

(Later on, Alice and Carol are studying all kinds of recipes.)

Carol: Find anytihng interesting for our smorgasbord, Alice?

Alice: Nothing I can pronounce.

Carol: Here’s one that sounds good but it’s complicated. I don’t know if you can make it. It’s a recipe for (smor catula).

Alice: If you can say it, I can make it.

Carol: Here’s some more. Here’s (ravor rag toush), (parish torche), (shmore steak) and an old stand-by (friccadella).

NOTE: If anybody can give me the proper spelling of these dishes, please, I would really appreciate it.)

Alice: Such language, I’m glad the children aren’t around.

Carol: I can’t wait to see how this dinner turns out.

Alice: I got some more recipes in that magazine in my room. I’ll get it.

Carol: Okay.

(She gets up and then Cindy comes home.)

Cindy: Mom, Mom, I won, I won, I’m gonna be on television!

Carol: Oh, sweetheart, I’m so proud of you.

Cindy: Me too.

Carol: How did Bobby do?

Cindy: I didn’t even wait to find out. I wanted to come home and tell you about me.

Carol: Oh, congratulations, honey. Why don’t you tell Alice the news. She’;s in her room.

(Cindy rushes to see Alice and then Bobby comes in.)

Bobby: Hi.

Carol: Hi. (He starts to pass by her) Hey, come here. How did you do on the test?

Bobby: I got wiped out?

Carol: Aww, I’m sorry, honey.

Bobby: It was a tough test.

Carol: Really tough, huh?

Bobby: It was so tough, lots of guys didn’t make it.

Carol: Let’s face it chump, you didn’t make it because you didn’t study.

Bobby: Well, maybe not too much.

Carol: Yeah, maybe not at all.

Bobby: I guess.

(He walks through the kitchen and sees Cindy. She’s coming out of Alice’s room.)

Cindy: Bobby. You’re gonna be on the television show with me, aren’t you?

Bobby: You mean you won?

Cindy: Sure, didn’t you?

Bobby: No. It was a tough test.

Cindy: Tough? It was easy for me. I guess I’m just smarter than you are.

(She walks away with her nose stuck in the air. The scene fades away.)

(The next scene has Mike coming home. He sees Bobby in his teepee.)

Mike: How?

Bobby: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Well, I heard of a tribe named Blackfoot, never heard of a tribe named sneakerfoot. (Bobby comes out of the teepee) You did a nice job on your teepee.

Bobby: Yeah, better job than I did on that test.

Mike: Well, cheer up, it’s not the end of the world.

Bobby: I guess I was a real dummy for not studying.

Mike: Yeah, well, never make a mistake, never learn a lesson.

Bobby: I guess so.

Mike: Yeah, it’s all water under the bridge. Okay, chief. (He puts his hand up and so does Bobby) How.

Bobby: How.

(Mike goes inside and Cindy comes by.)

Bobby: Hey, Cindy, you want to play in the teepee.

Cindy (snobbishly): Don’t be silly.

Bobby: What’s silly about it?

Cindy: I might get dirty.

Bobby: So what?

Cindy: Television stars don’t play in teepees, and they don’t get dirty.

Bobby: Who’s the television star?

Cindy: I am, that’s who.

(She goes inside and Bobby makes a face. Alice is in the kitchen making dinner.)

Alice: Hi, Cindy, wanna lick the bowl.

Cindy: No thanks, it’s not ladylike.

Alice: Ladylike?

Cindy: Yes. What are we having for dinner?

Alice: Swiss steak and spaghetti.

Cindy: Not me.

Alice: Honey, those are two of your favorites.

Cindy: Not anymore they’re not, they’re rich and fattening.

Alice: Sure, all that good stuff is.

Cindy: Just fix me a small salad please.

(She starts walking away.)

Alice: Wait a second, do you mind telling me why the special diet?

Cindy: A star can’t go on television all fat and broken out.

(She leaves and Alice gives a confused look. Cut to the boys’ room. Greg is on his bed reading and Peter comes in. Cindy is in the bathroom, playing with her hair.)

Peter: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Peter: Cindy’s at it again.

Greg: She’s been in there an hour. (He mimics Cindy) When you’re a TV star, your hair has to be just right.

Peter: How many ways can there be to fix hair?

Greg: She’s tried everything but an Afro.

Peter: If she keeps this up, she won’t have to worry about her hair on TV, she’ll be bald.

(They laugh as Cindy goes into her room, where Marcia and Jan are studying.)

Cindy: I was wondering, do you think I have to have my ears pierced?

Marcia: C indy, the last thing you need is two more holes in your head.

(Cindy goes over to the closet and takes a few dresses out.)

Jan: Oh, no.

Marcia: Cindy, not again.

Cindy: I have to make sure I wear just the right thing on television, don’t I?

(She places the dresses on her bed.)

Jan: But Cindy, you already tried these dresses on umpteen times.

Cindy: So, I don’t know which one goes best with my hair and my eyes.

Jan: Cindy, you’re really getting to be a drag.

Marcia: You’re acting as if it was a beauty contest instead of a brain quiz.

Jan: Okay then, name me one big television star who isn’t worried about the way she looks.

Jan: Lassie.

Cindy (putting her hands up): Arf, arf.

(Marcia and Jan leave the room as Mike and Carol come in with several bags of groceries.)

Mike: Well, (he places a few on the table) 6 shopping carts full. I think that’s a new record.

Carol: Yeah. (She puts some more bags down on the pantry) But you got to admit, this smorgasbord was a pretty good idea. We got enough food to feed all our friends, their relatives, their houseguests, plus any last minute drop-ins.

Mike: Even their drop-ins can bring their drop-ins.

(Alice comes out.)

Seems you got plenty of smorgis for the bord.

Mike: They’re still more smorgis in the car.

Carol: Hey Alice, were there any calls while we were out?

Alice: Just one. The school called to give you the date of Cindy’s television show.

Cindy: Oh, good.

Mike: When is it?

Alice: I’ll give you a hint. You’re gonna be eating this stuff a long, long time.

Carol: Alice, you don’t mean.

Alice: I do mean.

Mike: No, no, no, no, no.

Alice: Yes, yes, yes.

Carol (annoyed): Naturally, the 10th. The night of our party.

Alice: I’ll get the rest of the stuff out of the car.

Mike (dramatically): You know, I don’t believe it. First, we were gonna invite a few friends over for a barbecued steaks. Then we change to a Mexican dinner so we can invite more people. So I cancel the steaks, I run all over town in search of authentic Mexican food. (He gets more dramatic as he goes on) Then, we switch to a smorgasbord so we can have friends and friends of friends and uncles and relatives and assorted drop-ins. But now, I have got enough Mexican food to fed every guitar player in Guatemala. And, I corner the market on haring. Now, I find out that we are having a party on the 10th for 26 people on the 10th and the only people who are not gonna be here are us.

(Carol claps.)

Carol: That was a wonderful silhouette. Are you finished?

Mike: Yes.

Carol: Maybe you better go help Alice get the rest of the things out of the car. (He goes outside) Poor dear.

(Marcia and Jan come downstairs.)

Marcia: Mom, we’re gonna study in the family room.

Carol: Oh, what’s wrong with your own room?

Jan: It’s too full of Cindy (she flashes her hair) the television star.

Marcia: She has her clothes scattered all over and she never stops talking about being on television.

(Meanwhile, Cindy is upstairs trying on earrings. Carol comes in to speak to her.)

Cindy: How do you think these look, Mom?

Carol: Terrible. You are much too young to be wearing Marcia’s earrings. I can see now why Marcia and Jan are complaining.

Cindy: They’re just jealous.

Carol: They are not jealous, and they’re not the only ones complainng.

Cindy: If you mean Bobby, he’s just mad because he was too dumb to win.

Carol: Listen, sweetheart, Bobby is not dumb. He didn’t win it’s just because he didn’t study.

Cindy: Well, that’s dumb. Besides, he’s a bad loser.

Carol: It seems to me that you’re a bad winner. You know, you shouldn’t put down a loser, Cindy, because you might be one yourself someday. (He touches her chin to make her look up) Just remember that.

(She leaves and Cindy tries the earrings on again. Next, she is getting ready to leave for the show.)

Cindy (to Jan and Marcia): Don’t you want to come watch me be on television?

Marcia: No, thanks.

Jan: I’ve had you and TV up to here.

(Pointing to her chin.)

Cindy: Okay then, you’re gonna miss all the excitement.

Marcia (sarcastically): We’ll try to live through it.

Cindy (leaving the room): I never thought my own sisters would be so jealous.

Jan (to Marcia): She’s got a size 10 body and a size 24 head.

(Next, she goes in to see the boys.)

Cindy: I’m leaving for the show now.

Bobby: Hooray.

(She goes over to Greg and Peter, they are playing checkers.)

Cindy: Would you boys like to be the first to get my autograph?

Peter (laughing): Autograph?

Greg (sarcastically): I’m afraid that’s just too big an honor for us, Cindy.

Cindy: Okay, you had your chance.

(Meanwhile, Mike and Carol are downstairs waiting.)

Carol (calling): Cindy, will you please come on?

Mike: it’s time to leave.

(Alice comes out of the den.)

Alice: You folks all set to go?

Carol: Yeah, hey, Alice, will you try to get the kids to watch Cindy on television?

Mike: Cindy!

Cindy (coming down the stairs): I’m coming, I’m coming.

Alice: Good luck, honey.

Cindy: Do you think this dress will look good on color TV? Maybe I better wear my blue one.

(She starts going up the stairs. Her parents stop her and they leave.)

Carol: Good-bye, Alice.

Alice: Good-bye.

(We take you to the studio. Monty Marshall, the host, is talking to Cindy and all the other kids.)

Marshall: Now, don’t forget, kids. When this little red light goes on, we’re on the air, and we’ll be in everybody’s living room. Now, does everybody have their thinking caps on?

Kids: Yes, sir.

Marshall: Good, take your places.

(Back home, Alice is turning the TV on and all the kids come into the living room.)

Alice: I was just about to call you kids.

Marcia: Alice, we wouldn’t miss Cindy for anything.

Alice: That’s what I call real family spirit.

Bobby: We want to see the smarty pants fall right on her big fat head.

Jan: Yeah, we can’t wait to see her bomb.

Alice: Like I said, real family spirit.

(Bobby goes to adjust the sound.)

Greg: Hey Bobby, turn it up, will you?

(Cut back to the show.)

Marshall: The questions I’ll be asking are based on your regular school test. So when you know the answer, just raise your hand. and remember, when that little red camera goes on, we’re on the air.

(They wait in anticipation for the camera to turn on. As soon as it does, Cindy just sits there and stares.)

Marshall: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the question the kid show. I’m Monty Marshall, your quizmaster, and tonight, it’s Clinton grammar school vs. Woodside, and may the better team win. (Cindy is still sitting there staring) Now, here’s your first question. listen very carefully. Four score and seven years ago, is the beginning of what speech? (A student from Woodside raises his hand) Woodside.

Woodside student: Lincoln’s Gettysburg address.

Marshall: That’s right. How was the word swiftly used in the following sentence? The boy ran swiftly. (One of Cindy’s teammates raises her hand) Clinton.

Clinton student: As an adverb.

Marshall: that’s right.

(Mike and Carol notice Cindy from the audience.)

Carol: What’s the matter with Cindy?

Mike: She’s staring at the camera, she’s got television itis.

Marshall: Spell the word thoroughfare. (A student from Woodside raises her hand) Woodside.

Woodside student #2: t-h-o-r-o-u-g-h-f-a-r-e.

Marshall: That’s right.

(Alice and the kids start to worry.)

Marcia: What’s wrong with Cindy?

Greg: She’s not even raising her hand.

Bobby: Talk about dumb.

Jan: She knows all those answers by heart.

Peter: Then why isn’t she answering them?

Marshall: Now, name the last two states to join the union.

Jan: How come Cindy just sits there?

Peter: She looks scared.

Alice: Come on, Cindy, loosen up.

Marshall: Woodside.

Woodside student #3: Alaska and Hawaii.

Marshall: Right.

Marcia: Oh, she knew that.

Marshall: Now, name the capitol of Louisiana.

Bobby: Come on, Cindy, I know you know this one.

Jan: Come on, Cindy, raise your hand.

Marcia: Cindy, you know it, Baton Rouge, Baton Rouge.

Marshall: Woodside.

Woodside student #1: Baton Rouge.

Marshall: That’s correct. Now, how many pecks are in a bushel. (a teammate of Cindy’s raises his hand) Clinton.

Clinton student #2: Four.

Marshall: Right.

(An embarrassed Cindy returns home later with her parents.)

Cindy: I don’t want to see anybody. They’ll all make fun of me.

Mike: It’s not gonna get any easier later.

(All the other kids and Alice come out and praise Cindy.)

Jan: You looked terrific.

Peter: Especially your hair.

Marcia: Your dress was fantastic.

Alice: You were the prettiest girl there.

Greg: Yeah, we all thought so.

Cindy (upset): I didn’t answer a single question. I was a real dumb dumb.

Bobby: Cindy, Cindy, I was the dumb dumb. I didn’t even pass the test. You studied and you got on TV.

Cindy: Bobby, you’re a terrific brother.

(She kisses his cheek and goes upstairs, much to Bobby’s dismay.)

Bobby (bitterly): Women, one nice word and you get all wet!

(They all laugh.)

Carol: Poor baby.

(She hugs him and the rest of the family comforts him. The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike is in his den. Carol comes in.)

Carol: Well, honey, I got it all worked out.

Mike: Yeah, what’s that?

Carol: Well, I called the Swansons, the Bernsteins, the Clarks, the Kauffmans, the Burkes, the Metzgers and the Allens. It took a lot of juggling but theyThe 24th, huh?

Carol: Yep, thta’s when we’re gonna have the party.

Mike: Great, I’ll phone you. Let me know if you’re having a good time.

Carol: What do you mean you’ll phone me?

Mike: Because that’s the weekend I’ll be out of town for the convention, remember?

Carol: Catch me.

(She faints into Mike’s arms.)


S4 E21 You’re Never Too Old

You’re Never Too Old

Written by Ben Gershman and Bill Freedman

Carol’s grandmother comes to visit and the kids set her up with Mike’s grandfather. I hope you enjoy the script.













The episode begins with Alice straightening up the living room. Marcia and Jan are coming home from school. They put their books on the table but Alice stops them.)

Alice: Ah, ah, ah, messing up the house today is a no-no. Surprise visitor coming.

Jan: Who?

Alice: Your mother’s grandmother from Kentucky.

Marcia (excited): Great-Grandma Hutchins?

Jan: Oh, terrific.

(They attempt to put their books down on the table but Alice stops them.)

Alice: Your Mom and Dad went to the airport to pick her up.

Marcia: Oh, I can’t wait. It’s been years since we’ve seen her.

Jan: Wait till you meet her. You’ll love Great Grandma Hutchins.

Alice: I’m sure I will. She must be an old lady by now.

Jan: Old? Somehow I never think of her as old.

Marcia: Me either. She’s got so much go, go, go.

Alice: Well, if you haven’t seen her for years, don’t be surprised if some of her go, go, go is gone, gone, gone.

(Mrs. Hutchins walks in.)

Great Grandma: What kind of welcome is this? Where’s the brass band?

(Marcia and Jan get excited and throw their books in Alice’s arms to run over and greet her.)

Marcia and Jan: Oh, Great Grandma Hutchins.

(They give her big hugs.)

Great grandma: Oh, you precious kitties, you look beautiful. And thta’s without my specs.

(Carol and Mike follow her in.)

Mike: Oh, come on, Grandma, for God’s sakes, don’t spoil them.

(They see Alice holding the girls’ books.)

Carol: Alice, I’d like you to meet the pride of Owensboro, Kentucky. The one and only Connie Hutchins.

Great Grandma: Put it there, Alice.

(She shakes her hand.)

Alice: I’m glad to meet you, Mrs. Hutchins. I heard a lot about you.

Great Grandma: Lies, all lies, unless, of course, it was something nice.

Carol: grandma, wouldn’t you like to freshen up a bit after your trip.

Great Grandma: Well, that’s mighty kind of you.

Mike: Well, I’m sorry we can’t have dinner with you tonight, Grandma.

Carol: Oh, yes, we really are.

Mike: Like I said, you caught us by surprise and we had that dinner date with my boss for a week.

Great Grandma: Well, don’t you worry about that, honey. It’ll just give me more time to get to know these precious children better.

(Mike and Carol smile.)

Alice (to the girls): Here, kids, take your books. I’ll show Mrs. Hutchins where she’s gonna stay.

lice shows her to her room and the girls go upstairs.)

Mike: What a gal. How come a woman like that never got married again?

Carol: I guess at her age, a good man is hard to find.

Mike: Listen, at any age a good man is hard to find.

Carol: Yeah, don’t I know it.

Mike: I’m gonna tell Grandma on you.

(They laugh. Marcia and Jan are still on the stairs.)

Marcia: Did you hear that?

Jan: What?

Marcia: About a good man. I know a man who would make a wonderful husband for Grandma, and he’s not hard to find.

Jan: Who?

Marcia: Dad’s grandfather, Great Grandpa Brady.

Jan: Right.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Marcia and Jan running to answer the door. It’s great Grandpa Brady.)

Marcia: Hi, Grandpa. (They give him hugs.) It’s so good to see you.

Great Grandpa: It’s always a pleasure to help out my great-granddaughters.

Marcia: Oh, Grandpa, about that term paper, I found what i needed in my civics book so, I’m sorry I bothered you.

Jan: But we’re glad you’r ehere anyway because they’re a visitor we want you to meet.

Great Grandpa: Oh.

Jan: Our great-grandmother from Kentucky.

Great Grandpa: Oh.

Jan: She’s really with it.

Marcia: And far out.

Great Grandpa: With it? Far out? Children nowadays seem to have trouble expressing themselves with words from the English language.

Jan: That’s modern English, Grandpa.

Great Grandpa: Modern, perhaps, English, no.

(They take him into the living room and Alice comes out.)

Alice: Hi, Judge Brady.

Great Grandpa: Good afternoon, Alice.

Alice: How have you been?

Judge Brady: Oh, splendid, thank you. But as Pliny the Elder said to Seneca when they met in the forum, omne ignotum, pro magnifico.

(He laughs and so does Alice.)

Alice: Oh, that plimy really knew where his head was at.

(Outside, the boys are playing basketball with Great Grandma coaching. Bobby goes to take a shot but Greg and Peter stop him. She whistles.)

Great Grandma: Fowl! Charge it!

Bobby: I can’t help it, they’re taller than I am!

Great Grandma (coming over): Well, sonny, you have got to try to find a way to outsmart them. Now, I’m gonna show you the way Jerry West does it. You just stand over there and watch.

Bobby: Okay.

(Bobby goes over and join Cindy, who is watching.)

Great Grandma (to Greg and Peter): You two boys try to guard me. (She takes the ball) You boys ready? Here I come. (She starts to dribble) Watch it.

Bobby: Get ’em, Grandma. You can make it. Go on, right behind you. Go on, shoot! You can make it! Go on! (She dribbles the ball) Shoot!

(She turns around and shoots the ball into the net. They all cheer.)

Great Grandma (to Bobby): Well, honey, that’s what you call a real fakeout. You just gotta have the moves. Now come on, you try.

Bobby: Okay.

(He goes to play. Great Grandpa puts his glasses on and watches in disbelief.)

Great Grandpa: That’s your great grandma?

Marcia: Yep, that’s Great Grandma.

(She and Jan look at each other and make motions with pride. Next, they sit down at the patio with Alice’s help.)

Alice: You two get acquainted while I make some lemonade.

Great Grandma: Well, that’s mighty kind of you, Alice. Thank you.

Great Grandpa: Thank you. That would be very pleasant indeed.

(He sits down.)

Great Grandma: Well, I never met a real-life judge before.

Great Grandpa: Well, I’m retired at present.

Great Grandma: What happened? Did you get tired of sending them to the hokie?

(She laughs and he gets irritated.)

Great Grandpa: Madam, I like to think I dispensed justice fairly in the 40 years I sat on the bench.

Great Grandma: 40 years on the bench? (He nods) You must’ve picked up a seatful of splinters. (She laughs and pats his knee, much to his chagrin) You know, there’s something I always wondered about judges.

Great Grandpa: What would that be?

Great Grandma: Is it true that on hot days, judges don’t wear any pants under their robes?

Great Grandpa (angry): My good woman, I certainly can’t speak for all judges, but I assure you, hot or cold, I always wore my trousers.

Great Grandma: Too bad.

(Marcia and Jan come out with the lemonade.)

Marcia: Here’s your lemonade.

Great Grandma: Thank you.

Jan: You’re welcome.

Marcia: It looks like you two are really getting to know each other.

Great Grandpa: Well, these past few moments have proved most dehumanating.

Marcia: Right on.

Jan: Groovy.

(They correct themselves to gain Great Grandpa’s approval.)

Marcia: Delightful.

Jan: Splendid.

Great Grandpa: That’s better.

(The girls go into the kitchen to see Alice.)

Cindy: Hi, Alice.

Marcia: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi.

Marcia: Uh, Alice, how do you feel about helping two people fall in love?

Alice: I’m all for it, especially if one of those two people turns out to be me.

Cindy: We’re talking about Grandma and Grandpa.

Alice: Grandma and Grandpa?

Jan: You see, right after Mom and Dad go out, all us other kids will make excuses to leave too.

Marcia: So, you can serve Grandma and Grandpa a romantic candlelight dinner for two.

Alice: Ooh, you little devils.

Cindy: Okay, Alice.

Alice: Okay. You get them to the launching pad, and I’ll fuel them up a blast.

Marcia: Oh, great.

(Next, Grandma and Grandpa are in the living room sipping champagne.

Great Grandpa (handing Great Grandma her drink): There you are.

Great Grandma: Thank you.

(They clink their glasses and Grandpa makes a toast.)

Great Grandpa: Well, here’s to today and all of time. Here’s to good health. Yours and mine.

Great Grandma: Right up the flagpole.

(Grandpa gets a little annoyed. Grandma takes a big sip of hers. Sher notices Grandpa sniffng at his.)

Great Grandma: Is something wrong with yours, judge?

Great Grandpa: Oh, no, I was merely enjoying the pleasant old colors.

Great Grandma: While you’re doing all that, would you mind hitting me again?

Great Grandpa: Pardon. (He realizes what she means) Oh, yes, of course. You just hold your glass and I will pour. (He pours) There you go.

Great Grandma: All the way, honey.

(He pours a couple more drops into her glass. The boys come down the stairs.)

Greg: Grandpa, Grandma.

Great Grandma: Hi.

Greg: I’m sorry but I’m gonna have to skip dinner tonight.

Great Grandpa: Oh, thta’s too bad.

Greg: I got a heavy date, you know how it is.

Great Grandma: We remember how it was.

Greg: Good night.

Peter: Bobby and I have to go too. My friend Willie’s got a sprained ankle andhe’s wrapped up in bed.

Bobby: Yeah, we’re going over to cheer him up.

Great Grandpa: Well, that’s very commendable. (He motions for them to come closer) You know as Homer said, friendship is proved by adversity.

Bobby: Uh, yeah.

Great Grandpa: Bye.

Bobby: Bye.

Peter: Bye.

(The girls come downstairs now.)

Marcia: Hey, Greg, wait up, you can drop us off. Grandma, Grandpa, sorry, we can’t stay for dinner.

Jan: Our ballet teacher is having a recital. We said we’d come.

Cindy: We promised.

Great Grandma: Good-bye, children. Have fun. (to grandpa) Well, judge, that leaves just you and me. (She clinks her glass with his) Here’s to solitary confinement.

Great Grandpa: Pardon?

Great Grandma: Come on, honey, where’s your sense of humor.

(She elbows him and he pretends to laugh. Later on, they are at the table having dinner.)

Great Grandpa: Why is it that people have to eat in the dark? I wonder.

(Alice comes out with their food.)

Alice: Is everything all right, folks?

Greta Grandma: Ooh, Alice, fine, Alice.

Great Grandpa: My compliments, Alice.

Alice: Wait till you see the dessert.

Great Grandpa: There you are, swetie.

(She gives Alice the salad dish.)

Great Grandpa: I wonder why we need that music.

Great Grandma: Ooh, I like it, turns me on. (she gets up) Makes me feel like I want to dance.

Great Grandpa: Well, not me.

Great Grandma: Oh, come on, judgie, I’ll bet you used to fox a pretty mean trot in your day. (She tries to get him up) Come on, how about a little dance. It’s good for your digestive system. Come on, get up there. That’s the way.

Great Grandpa: Madam, don’t you think this fosse has gone far enough?

Great Grandma: Fosse?

Great Grandpa: Your entire transparent scheme. Children conveniently disappearing, cozy dinner for two, romantic music and candlelight.

Great Grandma (furious): You think I planned all this?

Great Grandpa: I think it’s obvious. But your romantic fantasies are not about to come true.

(Alice comes out with dessert and recites it in French.)

Great Grandma (yelling): Romantic fantasies! Who’d want an old goat like you?

Great Grandpa: Old goat?

Great Grandma: Yes, old goat!

Great Grandpa: Madam, may I remind you that you’re an old spring chicken yourself. (She gets extremely furious) Excuse me.

Great Grandma: Oh, judge.

Great Grandpa: And it’s too late to apologize!

Great Grandma: Apologize, my foot! You forgot your hat!

Great Gtandpa: Good evening.

Great grandma: Good-bye!

(He leaves and she angrily goes to another room. The scene fades.)

(The next scene takes us to the next morning. Marcia and Greg come into the kitchen where Alice is working.)

Marcia: Hi, Alice.

alice: Good morning.

Greg: Good morning.

(Marciua looks in the family room.)

Marcia: Hey, where’s Grandma?

Alice: About on her third lap, I guess.

Greg: Third lap?

Alice: Around the block. She came in, grabbed an orange, and jogged off. Plucking the army.

Greg (laughing): She really is something.

Marcia: Alice, did she have a nice evening with Grandpa?

Alice: Well, I think there’s a better word to describe it than nice.

Marcia: Wonderful?

Alice: Nope.

Marcia: Beautiful?

Alice: Nope.

Marcia: What?

Alice: Disasterful.

Greg: Well, what happened?

Alice: Well, at dinner, one word led to another and by the time they put the words together, they were not talking.

Marcia: Oh, no.

Greg: What started it?

Alice: Well, I don’t know how it started but I do know how it ended.

Marcia: How?

Alice: She called him an old goat, then he called her an old chicken, and he split the barnyard.

Marcia: We gotta do something, we can’t let them stay angry at each other.

Greg: I told you not to meddle.

(Marcia starts to mope as Grandma comes in from her jog.)

Marcia: Hi, Grandma.

Greg: Good morning.

Great Grandma: Good morning there. (she aims an orange at Greg( Think fast. honey. (she throws the orange to him) I tell you (she goes to sit down) I come out in the morning to get my blood circulating.

Marcia: I understand you had a little argument with Grandpa last night.

Great Grandma: Marcia, I wouldn’t speak to that man again if he was the only man on earth left with the key to the wine filler.

Greg: Grandma, I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said.

Great Grandma: I know what he said, for the first time he was talki ng in English instead of in Latin.

Marcia: I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding.

Great Grandma: Not on my part, honey. Can you imagine him thinking I was trying to trap him? Ha, I wouldn’t take him on a silver platter with an apple in his mouth.

Marcia: Grandma.

Great Grandma: Him calling me old. His wrinkles have got wrinkles an dhe’s calling me old. Ooh, I’m getting so steamed up I think I’m gonna have to take anothe rlap.

(She grabs another orange and runs outside.)

Greg: You’ll never get anywhere with Grandma.

Marcia: Maybe I’ll have a talk with Grandpa.

Greg: Why don’t you jus tleave them alone.

Marcia: Because if I do, they’ll never get together and fall in love.

Alice: Love? Right now, you’ll be smart to settle for mutual indifference.

(Next, Marcia and Jan pay a visit to Great Grandpa.)

Marcia: granbdpa, as a judge, you always have to be fair and reasonable, don’t you.

Great Grandpa: i have always been fair and reasonable.

Marcia: Then last night, didn’t you kind of convict Grandma Hutchins on circumstancial evidence?

Great Grandpa: My dear, that opinion is open to question.

Jan: But Marcia and I are willing to swear that Grandma had nothing to do with arranging that dinner for two.

Great Grandpa: Well, Jan, if you say so, then I must accept that fact.

Marcia: well then there’s no reason to phone her and apologize.

Great Grandpa: Never! Nomen est nomen.

Jan: What does that mean?

Great Grandpa: A name is a name. Old goat.

Marcia: that’s just a figure of speech.

Greta Grandpa: And smell. Now I know she sent you girls here to say all this, but you can tell her for me, (he makes a legal term in Latin, then uses his gavel) case thrown out of court.

(Back home, the kids are arguing baout how to get the grandparents together.)

Greg: We told you to butt out.

Marcia: We were justt rying to do something nice.

Greg: Marcia, if you ever want to do something nice for me, give me a warning, (to Peter) want a chance to get out of town.

Jan: Boys are never any help.

Cindy: Yeah, Bobby’s not even here worrying. He’s out playing in the park with Grandpa.

Marcia: Hey, wait a minute, Bobby’s out playing in the park with Grandpa.

Cindy: That’s what i just said.

Marcia: Cindy, how would you like to go to the park with Grandma.

(Cut to the park. Bobby is playing with an airplane while Grandpa watches.)

Bobby: Watch this perfect landing, Grandpa.

Great Grandpa: All right.

(Cindy and great Grandma arrive at the park.)

Cindy: I love coming to the park, don’t you, grandma?

Great Grandma: Oh, I sure do, honey. I loved coming to the park ever since I was a little girl just your age, which was only a few weeks ago.

(Bobby lands his plane with Grandpa watching.)

Great Grandpa: Oh, huh, I think you need a little more rutte rthere.

Bobby: Yeah.

(He sits down and Great Grandpa readjusts the plane. Cindy sees them.)

Cindy: Hey, look, there’s Grandpa.

(She half drags Great Grandma to Greta Gtrandma and Bobby.)

Great Grandma: Ooh, careful sweetheart, I don’t have my running shoes on.

Cindy: Bobby, what a pleasant surprise.

Bobby: What’s the surprise? I always come here.

Cindy: There’s something on the other side of the park you’ve got to see.

Bobby: What is it?

Cindy: It’s a squirrel.

Bobby: I see millions of squirrels.

Cindy: This one collects nuts.

Bobby: They all collect nuts.

Cindy (to the grandparents): We’ll be right back.

(She grabs him by the arm and lures him away.)

Great Grandpa (to Great Grandma): You may sit down, madam, it’s all yours. (She starts to laugh) What inquires do you find so amusing?

Great Grandma: You got thta silly hat perched on your head just like you did last night when you marched out of thta room with smoke coming out of your ears.

Great Grandpa: I believe I left with my customary dignity. (He turns to leave then he stops) Oh, by the way, (he takes off his hat) I believe i owe you an apology. I jumped to a conclusion last night which I understand was not true.

Great Grandma: Well, I guess I owe you an apology too. But when I get hot under the collar, my mouth just flies in all directions.

Great Grandpa: Well, perhaps we were both at fault. (He puts his hat back on and starts to walk) Good day, mrs. Hutchins.

Great Grandma: Oh, what’s your hurry, judge? (He stops) Why don’t you just park it here on the bench and give it another trial.

(They both go to sit down. he takes his hat off again.)

Great Grandpa: Well, perhaps just for a moment.

(Bobby and Cindy witness this.)

Cindy: It’s working.

Great Grandpa: Oh, by the way, Mrs. Hutchins.

Great Grandma: Oh, make that Connie, would you, Hank?

Great Grandpa: Hank?

Great Grandma: hank.

Great Grandpa: Hank/ (He starts to laugh) Nobody has called me Hank since the first day i was admitted to the bar.

Great Grandma: Well, maybe it’s time they started.

Great Grandpa: Maybe you’re right. Oh, Mrs. Hutchins. (She corrects him again) Connie, about that question you asked me yesterday.

Connie: What question was that?

Great Grandpa; That question about whether judges wear trousers underneath their robes. Confidentially, once I got up so late, I had to wear my pajamas all day long.

(They both laugh.)

Great Grandma: I bet they thought you were night court.

(She accidentally crushes his hat during he rlaughter.)

Connie: Oh, I am so sorry. let me fix it.

Great Grandpa: Oh, that’s, that’s all right. Thank you. If you would still like to see the sites of our fair city, I’d be pleased to show you around.

Gret Grandma: that’s mighty kind of you, Hank. I would love to.

Great Grandpa: Well, perhaps we could start with a drive to the beach this afternoon, then this evening, there is a string ensemble playing Mozart.

Great Grandpa: A string?

Great Grandpa: Well, there is also a groovy concert at some establishment called the Rock Bottom.

Great Grandma: Well, that’s more like it, Hank, you’re finally getting it all together.

(Carol and Mike are sleeping when they are awakened by a thud.)

Carol: Mike, wake up.

(She turns on the light.)

Mike: What’s the matter?

Carol: I heard a strange noise.

Mike: Oh, honey, why is it you always hear strange noise sin the middle of the night instead of during broad daylight when I’m awake?

Carol: Well, maybe I imagined it.

(She is about to turn the light back out when they hear it again.)

Mike: I just imagined it too. Better go take a look.

Carol: You’re not going down there alone, I’m going with you.

Mike: listen if you want to, you can go first.

(They get out of bed and put their robes on.)

Carol: Mike, I know I heard something.

Mike: I heard it too. Why do you think i got up in the middle of the night?

(When they get to the staircase, they see Great Grandma packed up and about to leave.)

Carol: Honey, grandma’s leaving.

Mike: Suppose she had another fight with Grandpa.

Carol: Gee, I don’t know. (They turn the hall light on, just as Great Grandma is about to walk out the door) Going somewhere, Grandma?

Great Grandma: Sorry, kiddies, didn’t mean to wake you up.

Mike: Is it because of the judge?

Great Grandma: Yep, it sure is.

Carol: Was it something he said?

Great Grandma: Yep, that’s it, exactly.

Mike: What did he say?

Great Grandma: He said let’s get hitched.

Carol (happy): Married?

Great Grandma: Yeah, we’re eloping to Las Vegas.

(Great Grandpa comes in.)

Great Grandpa: And don’t you try to stop us.

Mike: Stop you? We couldn’t be happier.

Carol: But we’d love to give you a wedding with all the trimmings. Can’t you wait?

Great Grandma: Oh, honey, we haven’t got time. At our age every minute counts. Right, Hank?

Greta Grandpa: But there is one thing you can do for us. I prefer you keep this quiet. I’d get a good deal of riddings from my sons at the chess club.

(He laughs.)

Mike: Our lips are sealed.

Carol: We won’t say a word.

Alice: Neither will I.

Kids: Neither will we.

Great Grandma: Good bye, kiddies, thanks for everything come on, Hank.

Great Grandpa: Yes, my dear.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Marcia helping jan with her homework in the family room.)

Marcia: No, that’s wrong. You use the associative property instead of the commutative property.

Jan: Oh, sure.

Alice (coming in): Kids, kids, We got a postcard form your Great Grandma and Grandpa.

Marcia: Oh, wow, what does it say, Alice.

Alice (reading): Let’s see. Hi, everybody, Here we are in las Vegas, Mr. and Mrs. Hank Brady. We had a problem with the Justice of the Peace when he refused to marry us without the consent of our parents. (They laugh) At the wedding, at the wedding dinner, we had caviar and champagne. That is, he had champagne. The waiter refused to serve me without an ID card. (They all laugh) I have to say good-bye now because Hank and I have a date to go water skiing.

Jan: Water skiing? I can’t believe it.

Marcia: Me either.

Alice (reading): Tell everyone they can believe it.

(They all laugh.)


S4 E20 The Great Earring Caper

The Great Earring Caper

Written by Larry Rhine and Al Schwartz

Cindy loses Carol’s earrings after she wears them without permission. She turns to Peter, the house detective, to help her find them. I hope you enjoy the script.











(The episode begins with Marcia trying on a pair of earrings borrowed from Carol. Cindy looks on.)

Cindy: those sure are neat earrings, Marcia.

Marcia (mocking a British accent): Thanks, darling, mother loaned them to me.

Jan (calling): Marcia, Marcia.

Marcia: Coming, Jan.

(She takes the earrings off and come in the bedroom.)

Marcia: what is it?

Jan: Phone for you. A guy named Ted Edwards.

Marcia (putting the earrings away): Thanks.

Cindy: Marcia, can I try the earrings on?

Marcia: No. They’re Mom’s and don’t touch them. Grandma gave them to her.

Jan: The guy sounded really cute. What does he look like?

Marcia: Tall, blonde, handsome. Nothing special.

Jan: I’ll bet.

(Marcia and Jan leave the room. Cindy closes the door and takes the earrings. She is in the bathroom trying them on and Carol calls her.)

Carol: Cindy, are you in there?

Cindy: I’m coming, Mom.

(She tucks the earrings under a towel on the sink. She leaves the bathroom and comes in the bedroom. Carol shows her a new blouse she just bought her.)

Carol: Honey, I got this on sale. Let’s see if it fits.

Cindy: It fits fine, Mom.

Carol: They have them in green, red and violet too. Which color would you like?

Cindy: Any color’s marvelous.

Carol: Boy, one day you’re gonna make some man awfully happy. (She pus her hand on Cindy’s chin) You’re a woman who’s easy to please. (She takes the blouse and box she got it in) See you later.

(Carol leaves the room and Cindy rushes back into the bathroom. She tries to retrieve the earrings from the towel but can’t find them, She looks all over for them with no luck.)

Cindy (to herself): They’re gone.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Peter in his bedroom playing detective. Greg is on his bed reading. Peter goes over to him.)

Peter: If you didn’t know who I was, who would you think I am?

Greg: A Canada for a butterfly net. Knock it off, will you, I’m trying to read.

(Peter goes to get his magnifying glass. He goes over to Greg and uses it to check him over.)

Peter: You know something, you got a big pores.

Greg: Will you quit bugging me with that dumb detective kit? (He goes under Greg’s bed. He looks under to him) Now, what are you doing?

Peter: Trying to guess your weight. You can figure it out by the sag in the mattress.

Greg: You got a sag in your brain. Why don’t you take your detective kit and get lost.

Peter: It’s no use. I’m such a good detective, I’ll find myself.

(He laughs and Greg plops on his bed, almost injuring Peter. He leaves the room and then there’s a knock on the door.)

Peter: Come in.

(Cindy enters.)

Cindy: Peter, have you learned how to use your detective kit yet?

Peter: Sure.

Cindy: Good, maybe you can help me.

Peter (excited): You want a detective? (Cindy nods) Boy, my first case. Step into my office, ma’am. (She sits at the desk and Peter takes a small black book out.) What’s your name, ma’am?

Cindy: You know my name?

Peter: It’s got to be official, the way the book says. What’s your name, ma’am?

Cindy: Cindy Brady.

Peter: Occupation?

Cindy: School kid.

Peter: Okay, we need the facts. So start from the beginning, and give me the facts, just the facts.

Cindy: Mom lent Marcia some earrings. And I wasn’t supposed to touch them, but I did. Now the earrings are gone.

Peter (surprised): Mom’s earrings? Boy, are you in trouble.

Cindy: I know that, and I’m not even a detective.

Peter: Okay, we’ll call this the Great Earring Caper. Where were the earrings last observed, ma’am?

Cindy: On the bathroom sink.

Peter: I’ll investigate at once.

(They head toward the bathroom.)

Cindy: Can I help?

Peter: Sure, you can be my assistant. like Dr. Watson was to Sherlock Holmes.

Cindy: Great.

(They come into the bathroom.)

Peter: Exactly where were they, ma’am?

Cindy: Underneath this towel.

Peter: Towel, huh? (He takes the towel and shakes it) Simple deduction, ma’am, I solved the case.

Cindy: You have?

Peter: The earrings obviously slipped out from under the towel and slid down the drain.

Cindy: Boy, you sure are smart, Peter.

Peter: Thanks. I’ll just get Dad’s tool kit and open up the drain pipe.

Cindy: What a detective.

Peter: Elementary, my dear Watson. (He tips his hat) Elementary.

(The next scene has Carol coming into Mike’s den.)

Carol: Mike. (Mike answers with a mumble) I think I’ve got it.

Mike: Got what?

Carol: An idea for the costume party, unless you decided on something.

Mike: No, no, anything you decide is okay with me.

Carol: Okay, how about Romeo and Juliet?

Mike: Romeo and Juliet. Oh, honey, can we be a little more original. Last year there were a whole flock of Romeo and Juliets.

Carol: Oh, well then, why don’t you pick a famous couple.

Mike: No, no, you pick it. You’re better at those things than I am.

Carol: Okay, how about Napoleon and Josephine?

Mike: Napoleon and… (he jerks his hand around) honey, isn’t that a little unoriginal, too?

Carol: Yeah, I guess it is. How about Gertrude and Claude?

Mike (laughing): Gertrude and Claude? What famous couple were they?

Carol: I don’t know, but it certainly is original, don’t you think.

(They laugh.)

Mike: Oh, look, we’re making a big deal out of this. You pick it, and anything you decide on is okay with me.

Carol: Sure it is.

(Alice comes in.)Alice: Well, how did it go with Romeo and Juliet?

Carol and Mike: It didn’t.

Alice: Well, I got an idea, folks, and it’s particularly fitting, for you, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Yeah, what’s that?

Alice: George and Martha Washington.

Mike: Hey, I could be the father of my country.

Alice: With 6 kids, you got a good running start.

(Cut to the bathroom, where Peter is trying to fix the pipe on the sink and retrieve the earrings. Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Peter, did you find Mom’s earrings yet?

Peter: Not yet. Cindy, you don’t need a detective, you need a plumber.

Cindy: Well, please hurry.

Peter: I’m hurrying, and get back to your lookout post.

(She exits the bathroom through the door to her room. Marcia comes in the room.)

Marcia: Hi.

Cindy: Hi. Marcia, if you want to go to the bathroom, you can’t. Jan’s in there.

Marcia: Who wants to go to the bathroom?

Cindy: I just thought I’d let you know, just in case.

(Jan enters.)

Jan: Hi.

Marcia: Hi. (Jan tries opening the bathroom door) Hey, I thought you were in the bathroom.

Jan: How could I be in the bathroom?

Cindy: I guess it must be Greg in the bathroom.

(She goes into the boys’ room and sees Bobby.)

Cindy: Bobby, if you want to go to the bathroom, you can’t. Greg’s in there.

Bobby: Who put you in charge of the bathroom?

Cindy: Well, I just thought I’d let you know, Greg’s in there.

Greg (entering the room): Greg’s in where?

Bobby: She said you were in the bathroom.

Greg (laughing): What are you talking about?

Cindy: I thought it was you. (She leaves) I’ll try to find out and let you know.

(Greg and Bobby laugh. Cindy knocks on the bathroom door.)

Peter (moving to the door): Who is it?

Cindy: It’s me, Watson. (He lets her in) Well.

Peter: They’re not there.

Cindy (upset): Oh, no!

Peter: Don’t panic. This is where us detectives have to use deduction.

Cindy: Well, please deduct fast.

Peter: Okay, now they weren’t in the sink, and they’re not in the drainpipe, so they must have been removed. Chances are, by human hands. You follow me?

Cindy: Yes, just hurry up, that’s all.

Peter: Okay, every human hand has fingerprints, and everybody in this house has human hands.

Cindy: What does that mean?

Peter: It means that no finger is above suspicion.

(Cindy pretends to get it, but is confused.)

Cindy: What?

(Downstairs, Alice is mopping the kitchen. Peter and Cindy are watching.)

Peter: Believe me, Alice will never know what we’re after. We’ll get the fingerprints off the mop handle.

Cindy: Okay.

Peter: Sh.

(He puts his hand over her mouth. They approach Alice.)

Peter: You know something, Alice, you work too hard.

Cindy: You should let us do some work.

Alice: You want to do some of my work?

Peter: Sure. (He takes the mop) Just relax.

Cindy: Take it easy for a while.

(They lead her to a chair and get her to sit down.)

Alice: You kids feel alright?

Peter: We’ll go mop our bathroom.

Cindy: Read a good luck or something.

(They walk away and leave Alice suspicious.)

Alice (to herself): They want to help?

(Next, they come into Mike’s den with a glass of milk.)

Peter: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hi, kids.

Cindy: Dad, we brought you a glass of milk.

Mike: You did? (Peter puts it on the table) That’s great, I don’t even remember asking for a glass of milk.

Peter: This way you don’t have to ask.

Mike: Well, that’s very considerate of you.

(They stand there waiting for him to take a sip.)

Cindy: Go ahead, drink it.

Mike: I will, when I get thirsty.

Peter: You better drink it right away, before all the vitamins in it wear out.

Cindy: It’s good for all your bones.

Mike: Well, in that case, I better take your advice.

(He takes a sip and pretends he enjoys it.)

Cindy: Refreshingly good, isn’t it.

(Peter starts to take it away.)

Mike: Yes, it certainly was. My bones feel better already.

(He goes to take another sip but is surprised to see it gone. They start to leave and he turns around and scoffs for their attention.)

(ike: I hope the fingerprints turn out okay, Sherlock.

Peter (to Cindy): I guess we should have worn disguises.

(The next scene has Greg, Marcia, Jan and Bobby playing ping-pong in the backyard. Peter and Cindy seek them out, then run over andgrab their paddles and run. They are upstairs in the bathroom checking fingerprints.)

Cindy: We got everybody’s fingerprints.

Peter: Right. I just checked them against the ones in the bathroom sink.

Cindy: And what did you find out?

Peter: That everybody in this family has been in this bathroom.

Cindy: We still don’t know who took the earrings out of here.

Peter: Don’t worry. A good detective always has more than one plan. If Plan A doesn’t work, we’ll go to Plan B.

Cindy: What’s Plan B?

Peter: I don’t know, I’ll look it up.

(Alice is downstairs dusting the horse and Carol comes down the stairs.)

Carol: Alice, I’m going down to the costume company. I shouldn’t be gone long.

Alice: Right, Mrs. Brady.

(Carol notices a jacket on Alice’s shoulder which belongs to one of the kids.)

Carol: Alice, remember what I said?

Alice: About what?

Carol: About picking up after the kids. They gotta learn to do it themselves.

Alice (putting it down): Okay, I’ll just leave it.

Carol: Bye. I sure hope I can find something interesting for our costumes.

Alice: Hey, Mrs. Brady, would you consider Adam and Eve?

(Before Carol gets back, Mike is in the kitchen about to take a donut but is caught by Alice.)

Alice: Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Mike: Hi, just a little something to tide me over until dinner.

Alice: Mr. Brady, I thought you were watching your waste line.

Mike: I am, and it’s getting easier to see all the time.

Alice: Mine too, everywhere I look.

(Carol comes home.)

Carol (calling): Mike.

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: Honey, can you give me a hand quick? Hurry!

(She is carrying two heavy costumes.)

Mike: What have you got here?

Carol: You’ll see. (He takes them from her) Oh, thank you.

Mike: Gosh, they’re heavy.

Carol: Yeah, well, our costume problems are over. We’re all set for the party.

Mike: What are we going as, ghosts?

Carol: Here, I’ll show off. Take that off (wrap), okay?

Mike: Ah!

Carol: Anthony and Cleopatra. (Mike looks a little unhappy) What’s the matter, don’t you like them?

Mike: Sure, but my skirt is shorter than your skirt.

(They laugh and Alice comes out.)

Alice: Ooh, wow.

Carol: Hey, Alice, what do you think of our costumes?

Alice: Oh, those are great.

Mike: Guess who we’re going as.

Alice (jokingly): Sonny and Cher.

(They laugh and Cindy comes out.)

Cindy: Those sure are fancy costumes.

Alice: Yeah, and your father’s got the leg for them, too.

Mike: Tomorrow night your mother and Dad are going to be Anthony and Cleopatra.

Carol: Yeah, I’m really looking forward to it. I’m gonna do a real fancy make-up, and I think I’ll borrow my friend Pauline’s black wig.

Mike: Oh, yeah.

Carol: And, I know just the earrings, the ones I loaned to Marcia.

(They go to try their costumes on. Cindy gets worried.)

Cindy (to herself): The earrings, oh no.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Peter in his room reading his detective manual. Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Peter, we got to find those earrings right away.

Peter: I know. I’m reading my manual on how to solve cases.

Cindy: But Mom wants to wear them to that party tomorrow night.

Peter (flustered): Tomorrow night?

Cindy: I guess we better tell her they’re lost.

Peter (getting up): We still have 24 hours and I’m learning a lot from this book.

Cindy: Like what?

Peter: Like suspects. The person who’s nearest to the scene of the crime has the best chance of being guilty. We got to question everybody.

Cindy: All right, but we got to do it fast.

Peter: Don’t panic, a good detective never panics.

Cindy: I’m not a good dete4ctive.

(We take you to the backyard. Greg is cleaning his surfboard. Cindy comes over.)

Cindy: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Cindy: What are you doing?

Greg: I’m waxing my surfboard.

Cindy: What were you doing yesterday afternoon right after school?

Greg: I was in my room.

Cindy: That’s right, and your room is right next to the bathroom.

Greg: So?

Cindy: So hand over the you know what.

Greg: What’s the you know what?

Cindy: If I told you the you know what, you’d know what.

Greg: Cindy, I’m busy. I don’t even know what you’re talking about.

Cindy: Then I guess that makes you innocent.

(Cut to the boys’ room, where Bobby is playing with his pet hamster.)

Peter: Hi, how’s it going?

Bobby: How’s what going?

Peter: Oh, nothing. Where were you yesterday afternoon?

Bobby: What do you mean where was I? I was at school, and I came home, like any day.

Peter: What did you go when you got home?

Bobby: Why?

Peter: Just asking.

Bobby: I gave Henrietta a special treat. it was her birthday.

Peter: Birthday, huh. Did ypou bring her a present?

Bobby: Yeah!

Peter: Like jewelry?

Bobby: What are you, some kind of ding-a-ling? What would a hamster be doing with jewelry?

Peter: I’m asking then questions around here, what did you bring her?

Bobby: I brought her sunflower seeds, and if you’re jealous, I’ll bring you sunflower seeds for your birthday.

Peter: You’re too young to be guilty.

(Next, Jan is in her room doing homework. Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Hi.

Jan: Hi.

Cindy: Where were you yesterday afternoon, right after school?

Jan: I was here, you saw me, when I called Marcia.

Cindy: Why did you call her?

Jan: Because that boy phoned her, Ted Edwards.

Cindy: Can you prove the phone rang?

Jan: Can you prove it didn’t?

Cindy: Nope.

(Later on, Cindy is in the room with Peter. They are upset that they couldn’t find the earrings.)

Cindy: Mom and Dad are getting dressed now for the party.

Peter: I know. My first case and I bombed out. Some detective. I couldn’t find an elephant in a bathtub.

Cindy: You tried. I better tell Marcia. Mom is gonna be looking for those earrings any minute.

Peter (stopping her): Wait. There may be one last hope.

Cindy: What?

Peter: Mom may forget about those earrings.

(Mike is sitting on his bed in his costume. He is waiting on Carol.)

Mike: Honey, how are you coming?

(Carol comes out from their bathroom.)

Carol: I was having a little trouble zipping up the nile.

(Mike zips the back of Carol’s costume.)

Carol: Well.

(Mike whistles then answers.)

Mike: Well, I’ll ride on your barge anytime.

Carol: You’re pretty wild yourself. You know something, Alice was right. You do have great legs.

Mike (looking down at them): Yeah, I kinda do, don’t I.

Carol: The knees are a little knobby but….

Mike: Just a second. Hey, let’s get Greg to take a picture of us. I never had a date with the queen of the Nile before.

Carol: Good.

(Marcia comes by.)

Marcia: Hey, wow, you both look really great.

Carol: Thanks. Oh, honey, can you get those earrings I loaned you? I want to wear them tonight.

Marcia: Sure, Mom, they’ll look perfect with your costume.

(Marcia goes in her room to get the earrings. She sees Cindy sitting on the bed moping.)

Marcia: Cindy, are you okay?

Cindy: Yeah, but ypu’re not. You’re in trouble.

Marcia: Me, in trouble. Why?

Cindy: You told me not to touch Mom’s earrings, right?

Marcia: Yeah.

Cindy: Well, I touched them.

Marcia: What do you mean?

Cindy: I not only touched them, I lost them.

Marcia (angry): You lost them? Cindy, Mom wanted them! Are you sure that you lost them?

Cindy: Positive. That’s why you’re in trouble.

Marcia: What do you mean I’m in trouble? You’re the one that lost them.

Cindy: Yeah, but you’re my older sister. And older sisters always protect younger sisters.

Marcia: That’s your story, come on!

(She grabs Cindy by the hair and they go downstairs. Greg is taking Carol and Mike’s pictures.)

Greg: Okay, okay, hold it, hold it. Here we go and. (He takes the picture and they go on about how much fun it was) Hey, how about a romantic one. Marc Anthony and Cleopatra hugging each other.

Carol: All right, but watch out for that sword. I don’t want to get grabbed and jabbed at the same time.

Greg: ready. 1,2,3.

(He takes the shot.)

Carol: I hope you got his legs in.

(Alice, Jan and Bobby laugh. Marcia and Cindy come down the stairs with Peter following.)

Marcia: Mom. (to Cindy) Come on. Cindy has something to tell you.

Cindy: What is it, sweetheart? Marcia, did you find the earrings?

Marcia: No.

Carol: What do you mean no? I loaned them to you.

Cindy: Then I loaned them to me. Then they disappeared.

Carol: How could they disappear?

Peter: That’s a good question. I’ve been trying to crack this case for some time now, and I’m baffled.

Carol: Oh, Cindy, those are my favorite earrings, and I wanted to wear them tonight.

Cindy: I’m sorry.

Mike: Now, wait a minute. Did you take them outside the house, Cindy?

Cindy: No, Dad, honest. I only had them on for a minute.

Mike: Well, they must be around here someplace. Where did you lose them?

Peter: Dad, are you taking over the case now?

Mike: Yeah, if you don’t mind.

Peter: No, not at all. But I gotta warn you, everybody has an alibi, and there aren’t any clues.

Mike: Thank you. I’m sure they’re just misplaced. Let’s see if we can reconstruct what happened.

Carol: Well, all I know is I loaned the earrings to Marcia, and I have not seen them since.

Marcia: And I put them in my dresser drawer and then I went downstairs to take a phone call.

Cindy: That’s when I loaned them to me. (they show flashbacks of her in the bathroom) I went into the bathroom to try them on. But when Mom called me, I didn’t want her to catch me playing with her earrings. So I hid them, under a towel on the sink. (We go back to the present) I was gonna put them back in Marcia’s drawer later.

Alice: Hey, wait a minute, I just remembered. Do u know when that must have been. (We see in flashback as she explains) That must have been when I went into the bathroom from the hall. I took the clothes out of the laundry bin. Then I saw the towel on the counter so I put it in the laundry bag. Then I remembered what Mrs. Brady said about the kids cleaning up after themselves, so I put the towel back. (returning to present) So, if the earrings were under the towel, they must have fallen into the laundry bag.

Mike: Then that’s where they must be.

Carol: Alice, where is that laundry bag now?

Alice: Well, I put it down for a second to get something, and when I came back it was gone.

Jan: I know, I took it from there?

Carol: What do you mean?

Jan: Well, I was starting to go downstairs, and I saw the laundry bag in the hall. I thought I’d help Alice out, so I took the laundry bag downstairs and left it in the service porch. (Shown in flashback)

Mike: The earrings must be in the laundry bag in the service porch.

Carol: No, no, Mike, that’s when I came in the picture. When I went to the service porch, I saw the laundry bag was pretty full. I figured I’d give Alice a hand and I unloaded the laundry into the washing machine. (Shown in flashback) Alice, has that load of laundry been washed yet?

Alice: Mrs. Brady, that was yesterday. At least three or four loads ago.

Carol: Oh, no.

Alice: I never saw any earrings.

Mike: Then they must still be in the washing machine.

(They all rush to the washing machine. Alice reaches in to find them.)

Greg: Feel anything?

Alice: Wait a minute. (She feels something) A-ha, a-ha, ah (She pulls one out and they all cheer. She reaches for the other) There’s (Pause) what’s left of the other one.

Carol: Oh, no.

(Cindy looks at the broken earring.)

Peter: At least the mystery ‘s solved.

Mike: Well, we have to go without them. Come on, honey, we better get going.

Cindy: Mom, I promise I’ll never take anything again I’m not supposed to.

Carol: All right, Cindy, but you and I are gonna have a long talk about this tomorrow. (She kisses her good night) Good night, Peter.

Peter: Good night. (Carol leaves) Well, that’s the end of the great earring caper.

Cindy: Peter, do you still have all those disguises in your detective kit?

Peter: Yeah, why?

Cindy: Because tomorrow, I don’t want Mom to know which kid’s me.

(The scene fades out.)

(The final season has Mike and Carol returning from the party. Alice is in the kitchen eating a sandwich.)

Alice: Oh, hi folks, give you have a good time?

Carol: Oh, it was wonderful, Alice.

Alice: Hey, did your costumes win a prize?

Mike: Nope. We came in third.

Alice: Well, that isn’t bad. Who won?

Carol: The Cunninghams.

Mike: And you’ll never guess who they came as.

Alice: Romeo and Juliet?

Carol: Nope. Guess again.

Alice: George and Martha Washington.

Mike: Nope.

Alice: Okay, I give up.

Carol: Sherlock Holmes and Watson.


S4 E19 How To Succeed In Business

How To Succeed In Business

Written by Gene Thompson

Peter gets his first job and then proceeds to lose it. Hope you like the script.











MR. MARTINELLI, owner of a bike shop.

(The episode begins with Peter riding home on his bicycle. When he gets home and parks it, it falls down. He goes back to re-adjust it and then runs into the house.)

Peter (excited): Mom, Dad! Mom, Dad!

(He accidentally bumps into Alice.)

Peter and Alice (to each other): Are you all right?

Alice: Just fine. What’s all the excitement?

Peter: Alice, the greatest thing in the world just happened to me!

Alice: Yeah, what?

Peter: First, have there been any phone calls for me today?

Alice: Nope.

Peter: You’re sure?

Alice: Positive.

Peter: Well, maybe it didn’t happen.

Alice: What didn’t happen?

Peter: Well, maybe it will anyway.

Alice: Peter, what happened that didn’t happen but maybe it will anyway?

Peter: Alice, I don’t want to get your hopes up.

Alice: I promise. I just want to know what’s going on.

(The phone rings.)

Peter: Maybe that’s it! (He answers) Hello, this is Peter. Yes, Mr. Martinelli. What? (He gets real excited) Oh, wow, that’s great! Sorry, Mr. Martinelli. (to Alice) I hurt his ear. (back to Mr. Martinelli) Sorry I yelled, but I’m real happy, sir. Yes, sir, yes, sir. yes, sir! (He hangs up) It did happen! (He runs off) Mom, Dad, it happened!

Alice (loudly): What happened?

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike and Carol in the den. Peter yells to them through the window.)

Peter: Mom, Dad, Mom, Dad. It happened! It happened! (He runs in the den) Dad, it happened!

Mike: That’s great. What happened?

Peter: I got my first job.

Carol: Terrific.

Mike: That’s wonderful.

Peter: Thanks.

Mike: Who are you working for?

Peter: Mr. Martinelli at the bike shop. I work for him on Saturday and after school. I’m going to fix bikes.

Mike: Well, put her there.

(Her puts his hand out and Peter shakes it.)

Carol: My son, the bike doctor. Oh, we’re proud of you, Peter.

Peter: From now on I won’t be a financial burden anymore.

Mike: Oh, well, that’s a load off my wallet.

Peter: And I won’t be needing allowance anymore.

Mike: No allowance?

Peter: Nope.

Carol: You’re sure?

Peter: Well, maybe one more for old times sake.

Mike: Oh, okay.

Peter: I’m gonna go tell the guys.

Mike: Oh, listen, Peter, now that you’re taking on a job, you’re taking on a responsibility, you know.

Peter: Oh, sure, Dad.

Mike: Be prompt, hard-working and loyal.

Peter: Got you

(He starts to run but falls.)

Carol (laughing): Peter, one more thing, don’t be clumsy.

(We take you to the bike shop, where Peter is working on a bicycle. Mr. Martinelli is seeing a customer out. He goes over to Peter.)

Martinelli: Well, Peter, how’s it coming?

Peter: Fine, Mr. Martinelli. And don’t you worry, I’m gonna be prompt, hard-working, loyal, neat and I’m not gonna watch the clock.

Martinelli: I’m sure, I’m sure, Peter. Uh, Peter, Mr. Martinelli is ina hurry for this bike.

Peter: Yes sir, I know, and listen to this.

(He pulls the pedal for Martinelli to hear the sound of the bike.)

Martinelli: Sounds perfect.

Peter: Only 9 more gears to go.

Martinelli: 9 more? (He looks at his watch) But it’s almost quitting time, Peter.

Peter: Oh, thanks for reminding me. I would’ve kept right on working.

(Next, Peter comes home and notices a bunch of bikes, and Bobby and Cindy waiting eagerly for him. He parks his bike and heads inside.)

Bobby: Oh, hi, Pete.

Cindy: Hi.

Peter: Hi. How come all the bikes?

Bobby: Well, all the guys at school just happened to hear that you were working for Mr. Martinelli.

Peter: How did they happen to hear that?

Bobby: Well…..

Cindy: Bobby called them up and he told them.

Peter: How come they didn’t take their bikes to the shop?

Bobby: Well, that way, Mr. Martinelli makes the money. This way, we do.

Peter: What do you mean, we?

Bobby: Well, you, and me and Cindy.

Cindy: You do the work, and we get the commission.

Peter: Forget it, I wouldn’t do a thing like that to Mr. Martinelli.

(He walks away.)

Cindy: You and your bright ideas.

Bobby: How am I supposed to know Peter wouldn’t moonlight?

(Next, Peter is at the bike shop , working on the same bike as the day before.)

Martinelli: How’s everything, Peter?

Peter: Coming alone just fine, Mr. Martinelli.

Martinelli: Peter, you are working on the same bicycle you were working on yesterday.

Peter: Yes, sir.

Martinelli: But Mr. Williams wants the bicycle.

Peter: I’m just trying to get it in tip top condition, so he’ll be a real satisfied customer. . That’s what we want, isn’t it.

Martinelli: We want both, satisfied and customers, Peter.

(Carol and Mike are at home. Carol is making a salad platter. She turns around to get a paper towels and Mike reaches.)

Carol: Ah, ah, ah (she slaps his hand) Caught you.

Mike: Well, have mercy, man, you know how I love olives. (He goes to sit down) I’m an olive freak.

(Peter comes in.)

Mike: Hi.

Peter: Hi.

Carol: Hi, Peter. (He goes into the refrigerator.) Well, how was the big businessman today?

Peter: Mr. Martinelli couldn’t have been nicer.

Carol: No, I meant you.

Peter: Oh, I’m doing great. You know, while I was working today, I got to thinking about you today.

Mike: About us?

Peter: I was thinking that maybe you and Mom ought to take up bike riding. It’s very healthy.

Mike: Gosh, I haven’t been on a bike in years.

Peter: Well, it’s not too late. I mean, you’re not in bad condition. Considering your age and everything.

Mike (astonished): Thank you.

(Carol laughs.)

Peter: You too, Mom. You can get yourself back into shape again.

Carol: I thought I was in shape.

(Mike laughs.)

Mike: Peter, you’re trying to sell us a couple of bikes. Is that it?

Peter: Well, there’s nothing wrong with a businessman drummimg up a little business, is there?

Carol: No, not at all. As a matter of fact, I think it’s a very good idea, Peter.

Peter: Great.

(Carol goes over to sit with Mike.)

Carol: Mike, you know that isn’t a bad idea at all.

Mike: Huh.

Carol: It might tighten up all these olives.

Mike: Oh, honey, I get plenty of exercise. I play golf almost every weekend.

Carol: I don’t.

Mike: And I also play tennis with the guys.

Carol: I don’t.

Mike: And I go swimming at the club.

Carol: I don’t.

Mike: Well, maybe I’ll buy you a bike.

(Peter is at the bike shop. He is still working on the same bike.)

Martinelli: How’s it coming, Peter?

Peter: Just fine, Mr. Martinelli.

Martinelli: You’re still working on Mr. Williams’ bicycle.

Peter: I sure am.

Martinelli: You’ve been working on it for three days now.

Peter: I took the brakes apart today.

Martinelli: Mr. Williams did not ask to have the brakes fixed. There’s nothing wrong with them.

Peter: I found that out.

Martinelli ( a little upset): Peter, how can you possibly work on the same bicycle for three says?

Peter: I guess I got a lot of patience.

Martinelli: I wish I could say the same thing for Mr. Williams. (The phone rings) Peter, please finish. I want good work, and I want it finished. (He answers the phone) Martinelli Bike Shop. Oh, hello, Mr. Williams. Nice day for a bike ride? Well, yes and no. (He closes the door to the office) I’m afraid Mr. Williams it’s not ready yet. Yes, I know I promised it to you by noon but I’m having trouble with help and I’m afraid I need a new boy. Yes, late today, definitely. I’ll finish it myself, Mr. Williams. Good-bye. (He hangs up and comes out) Peter, why don’t you go to lunch now and I’ll finish the bike.

Peter: Lunch already? Time really goes fast when you’re doing something you like.

Martinelli: Peter.

Peter: Yes, Mr. Martinelli?

Martinelli: After work today, I’d like to have a little talk with you, all right.

Peter: Yes sir, you think I’m doing okay?

Martinelli: Well…

Peter: You think someday I can even become a bike salesman?

Martinelli: Well, to tell you the truth, I think maybe you’d be better selling bikes than fixing them.

Peter (excited): Really? Thanks, Mr. Martinelli.

(He goes to shake his hand but he accidentally squirts him with the oil can he is using.)

(Back home, Alice and Carol are making him a sandwich and he runs in and almost bumps into Alice again.)

Peter (excited): Mom, Alice.

Carol:Peter, we were just fixing your lunch.

Peter: You know what happened? I got promoted!

Carol: Promoted, after just three days?

Alice: Look out, Howard Hughes, here comes Peter Brady.

Carol: Peter, are you sure?

Peter: Well, I’m not really positive, but I told you how pleased Mr. Martinelli is with my work. Whenever he watches me, he has his surprised look on his face, like he can’t believe it.

Carol: What did Mr. Martinelli say?

Peter: He told me I’d even be better as a bike salesman. He wants to talk to me about it right after work today.

Carol: Oh, that’s wonderful.

Alice: Fantastic. You think that might call for an extra slice of baloney.

(She sets it on the table. Peter has a happy look on his face, which turns into a worried frown back at the bike shop with Mr. Martinelli.)

Martinelli: Peter. you’re a nice boy. You’re neat, you’re prompt, you’re considerate, you never goof off and you always look busy. But you don’t have the talent for the job. I’m sorry, Peter, but I have customers who need their bikes and I just can’t keep them waiting.

Peter: I’ll try harder, Mr. Martinelli.

Martinelli: You try hard enough. But you’re just not mechanically inclined. You know what to do, but somehow it gets lost between here (pointing to his head) and here (using his hands) Good luck, Peter.

(He shakes Peter’s hand and Peter leaves his office.)

Peter (to himself): I got fired.

(The scene fades away.)

(The next scene has Alice and the girls baking a cake to celebrate Peter’s alleged promotion.)

Marcia: That looks great, Alice.

Alice: Just a little Picasso and pastry too.

Cindy: I wish I can learn to do that.

Alice: It takes a little practice.

Jan: How did you learn?

Alice: I started with mudpies and worked my way up.

Marcia: Boy, will Peter be surprised when he sees this.

Alice: Well, he deserves it. (She puts the cake inside the cupboard over the refrigerator.) After only three days on the job, he gets a promotion. If anything calls for a celebration, that does.

(Cut to upstairs. P:eter comes in his room and sees Greg studying.)

Greg: Hey, I heard you were promoted.

Peter: No, just the opposite.

9He goes inside the bathroom.)

Greg: Demoted?

Peter (coming out0: Outmoded.

Greg: What?

Peter: I got fired.

Greg: Fired? (He gets up and goes in the bathroom with Peter.) How come?

Peter: Mr. Martinelli said I’m not mechanically inclined. I guess I’m too slow.

Greg: That’s too bad, Pete.

Peter: I don’t know what to do.

Greg: What did Mom and Dad say?

Peter: I haven’t told them yet. I didn’t want to spoil anybody’s dinner. Especially mine.

Greg: Tell them right after dinner.

(He leaves the bathroom.

Peter: Yeah, I guess so. (He looks in the mirror) You sure wasn’t a business tycoon for very long.

(Later on, the family is outside having dinner. Alice is collecting plates from everyone. Peter goes to talk to his parents.)

Peter: Mom, Dad, can I talk to you about something?

Mike: Sure.

Carol: I have a feeling it’s gonna be about bicycles.

Peter: Well, sort of.

(He stalls.)

Mike: Yes.

(Alice comes out with the cake.)

Alice: Surprise!

(The girls all follow her and yell surprise as well. Mike and carol admir eit.)

Peter: What’s the cake for?

Jan: To celebrate your promotion.

Cindy: Yeah. Aren’t you surprised?

Peter: Boy, am I ever.

Alice: All the girls helped me make iy. Look at that.

(It shows a picture of a bicycle with Congratulations Peter written on it. They all make compliments about it.)

Bobby: Speak, Pete, speak.

Peter: I don’t know what to say, I mean, so much has happened to me today. I guess I should say something. but I can’t, not right now.

(They clap.)

Mike (to Bobby): Give him a sparkle.

Bobby (bringing it to him): Here, Peter. (Alice starts cutting the cake and giving pieces to everyone. Peter’s sparkle goes out, to his dismay.)

(Later on, Peter gets out of bed to talk to Greg.)

Peter: Greg.

Greg (waking up): Yeah.

Peter: I know I should tell Mom and Dad, but I hate to hate to wake them up.

Greg: I don’t think they’re asleep yet.

Peter: If I wait any longer they might be.

Greg: You should’ve told them after dinner.

Peter: How could I with the cake and the speech? Greg, I’m gonna need some advice.

Greg (tiredly): Ask Mr. Martinelli for one more chance. If he takes you back, then you won’t have to say anything to anybody.

Peter: Yeah, yeah, I knew you’d help me. Thanks, Greg. (to himself) Yeah, one more chance. Yeah, yeah.

(Cut to the bike shop the next day. Mr. Martinelli is shaking his head no.)

Martinelli: Peter, like I said before, Peter, you’re a nice boy, very nice boy, and I’m sorry, really sorry, but I have to get a new boy.

Peter: I just thought I’d ask, maybe…

Martinelli: Nothing personal, it’s just, you’re not mechanically inclined.

Peter: Maybe I can learn to be mechanically inclined.

Martinelli: Peter, Peter, some people make picture frames. Some of the people paint the frames. Who knows, maybe you’re an artist. (He sees Peter out of th eoffice) Good-bye.

Peter: Thanks, Mr. Martinelli.

(He starts to leave but comes running back.)

Martinelli: What’s the matter, Peter.

Peter: My sisters. They’re coming to see me. They don’tknow I’ve been fired.

Martinelli: You didn’t tell your family.

Peter: Not yet. Please Mr. Martinelli, don’t say anything.

Mr. Martinelli: But….

Peter: Thanks, Mr. Martinelli, I’ll tell them later.

(Mr. Martinelli gets aggravated as the girls enter the shop.)

Martinelli: Well, can I help you young ladies?

Marcia: Well, we’d rather wait for the other salesman to help us.

Martinelli: Other salesman?

Jan: We’re Peter Brady’s sisters.

Cindy: Are you the nice man who promoted him?

Martinelli: Promoted him?

Marcia: Made him a salesman.

Martinelli: Oh, I see.

Jan: We wanted Peter to wait on us.

Cindy: I need a horn for my bike.

(She takes one and squeezes it. Mr. Martinelli looks agitated.)

Martinelli; Why don’t you let me help you with the horn. We got loud horns, soft horns.

Cindy: Now remember, Peter gets the credit for this sale.

Martinelli: Oh, yes, ma’am.

(She squeezes a few more horns. We next see Peter in the park feeding a flock of pigeons.)

Peter: That’s it, that’s all I have to feed you guys. Mr. Martinelli should closing up the shop about now. So I guess I better be going home, from my job.

(He throws the bag of food away, gets on his bike and goes home. He sees Greg outside as he parks his bike.)

Greg: Congratulations, Peter.

Peter: Huh.

Greg: The girls told me you’re a salesman now. Doing great, huh.

Peter: Yep. Got it right out of my hands.

Greg: I guess you got Mr. Martinelli to take you back.

Peter: He didn’t.

Greg: You’re kidding.

Peter: Yeah, I’m kidding everybody. I asked Mr. Martinelli to cover for me so I can break the news myself.

Greg: Where were you all afternoon?

Peter: In the park.

Greg: Doing what?

Peter: Feeding the pigeons and thinking.

Greg: Pete, you’re gonna have to tell the folks.

Peter (to himself): That’s just I was just thinking.

(The next day, Peter is back at the park with the pigeons.)

Peter: It’s nice to have someone you can tell your troubles to. I wish I could tell my Mom and Dad. But I can’t. I’m a failure at 14. But who am I to tell them a thing like that about their own son.

(Later on, Mike and Carol are playing chess in the family room. Peter comes in.)

Peter: Mom, Dad, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I was just looking for my books. There they are. I’m sorry to bother you.

(He goes to take his books.)

Carol: Peter. Your father and I have been thinking about what you said.

Peter: What did I say?

Mike: About bike riding.

Peter: Oh.

Carol: We decided we’d like to get bicycles.

Mike: And we’ll buy them from Mr. Martinelli’s star salesman.

Peter (alarmed): I wouldn’t do that. All the excursion in a man as old as you are could be bad.

Mike: Just the other day you said it was too late.

Peter: Well, that was the other day. And besides, some people get excited and go out and buy bikes and never even use them.

Carol: Well, we’d use them.

Mike: Sure we would.

Peter: Well, I’d give it more consideration. Like maybe a week, or two, or even a month. What’s the hurry, excuse me.

(He leaves with his books.)

Carol (surprised): Well, that’s a switch.

Mike: I’ve heard of low pressure salesmen, but never no-pressure salesmen.

Carol: I wonder why the big change.

Mike: Listen, maybe Mr. Martinelli could give us a clue.

Carol: I’d sure love to know what let the air out of Peter’s tires.

(Next, Peter is again at the park feeding the pigeons.)

Peter: You guys just don’t know how lucky you are to be pigeons. Nobody can fire you. You can get free food. But I can’t keep this up forever. Sooner or later I’ll have to tell my Mom and Dad. (He picks one pigeon up) No wonder you guys like me so much. You’re pigeons, and I’m a chicken.

(He hears the sound of a bell. He turns around and sees his parents on the new bike they just bought. He tosses the pigeon.)

Peter: Hi, Mom, hi, Dad.

(They put their bikes down and join him.)

Mike: Uh, that’s pretty good for an old man.

Carol: Hey, you got any room on that bench for a woman my age?

(Peter moves over na dthey both sit down.)

Peter: I was just feeding the pigeons.

Mike: Peter, Mr. Martinelli just told us what happened?

Carol: And Greg filled us in on the rest.

Peter: Oh, I wanted to tell you, but I was too ashamed.

Carol: Peter, that’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Mike: Of course not, there’s no shame in being fired. I lost jobs.

Peter: You have?

Mike: Why, practically everybody has at one time or another.

Peter: But this was my first job, and I bombed out, only after three days.

Carol: Peter, Mr. Martinelli said you really tried, it’s just that, he didn’t think you were cut out for this particular job.

Mike: He thinks you’re a very bright young man.

Peter: Is that what he said? Honest?

Carol: Honest?

Mike: Peter, you should’ve told us, hiding out in the park hasn’t helped anyone.

Carol: Ah, except maybe the pigeons.

Peter: Yeah, they kind of liked it.

Mike: Oh, by the way. (He reaches into his pocket and takes out a check) This is for you from Mr. Martinelli.

Peter: What for?

Carol: That’s your commission for the 2 bikes you talked us into buying.

Peter: But I tried to talk you out of buying them.

Mike: Well, you can’t help it if we’re stubborn.

Peter: You know something, I feel a lot better right now.

Carol: Good, so do we.

Mike: Listen, now that the whole family has bicycles, I know a great way to keep them from rusting away in the garage.

Carol: Aww.

(We next see the entire family riding their bikes down the road, including Alice, who has training wheels. The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike working in his den. Bobby comes home in an excited mood.)

B0bby: Mom, Dad!

Mike: In here, Bob.

(Boby races into the den.)

Bobbke: y: Dad, guess what?

Mike: What?

Bobby: I got my own job, all by myself, I got my own job!

Mike: Hey, you did? (Bobby nodded) Hey, that’s great. What are you doing?

Bobby: Delivering newspapers before school.

Mike: Bob, you have to get up at 5 o’clock in the morning to do that.

Bobby: Well, I don’t mind.

Mike: You have to go all over the neighborhood. You know, that’s miles.

Bobby: Well, I don’t mind.

Mike: Besides, you can’t do that on a bike. You have to have a car.

Bobby: I know.

Mike: Now you’re being silly. You can’t drive.

Bobby: No, but you can.

(Mike looks at him very incredulously, then hits him on the head with a blueprint.)


S4 E18 The Subject Was Noses

Written by Larry Rhine and Al Schwartz

Marcia breaks a date with a nice guy when the star football player asks her out. I hope you enjoy the script.











VICKI, Marcia’s friend

DOUG SIMPSON, big man on campus

CHARLEY, guy who Marcia dates

(The episode begins at Marcia’s school. She is walking and runs into her friend Vicki.)

Vicki: Hey Marcia, wake up.

Marcia: Hi, Vicki.

Marcia: Wasn’t that a terrfic game Friday?

Marcia: Yeah, we got a real team this year.

Vicki: You mean we got Doug Simpson. He’s the whole team.

Marcia: He’s far out.

Vicki: So rugged and handsome.

Marcia: There are other values that are far more important though.

Vicki: Like what?

Marcia: Well. (Pause) Give me time, I’ll think of something.

(They walk and then Vicki looks back. She sees Doug.)

Vicki: Don’t look now, he’s right behind us. Doug Simpson.

Marcia: Just act casual.

(He approaches them.)

Doug: Hi, girls.

Vicki: Good morning, Doug.

Doug: Oh Marcia, I’ve been looking for you.

Marcia: Me?

Doug: Yeah. I was wondering if you’d like to go to a dance with me on Saturday night?

(Marcia is speechless for a minute, then Vicki elbows her.)

Marcia (ecstatic): Yeah, I’d love to.

Doug: Great, Saturday night then. Okay.

Marcia: Bye.

Doug: See you.

Vicki: Bye. (She turns to Marcia) A date with Doug Simpson, can I touch you? It might rub off.

(The girls continue walking while they gloat. Then Marcia realizes something.)

Marcia: Vicki.

Vicki: What’s the matter?

Marcia: I just thought of something awful. I have a date with Charley for Saturday night.

Vicki: Charlie?

Marcia: I was so shook up by Doug that I completely forgot. Now I got two dates for the same night.

Vicki: What are you gonna do?

Marcia: Yeah, what am I gonna do.

(The scene fades out.)

(The next scene has Greg at home working on a bicycle. Charley comes over with a delivery.)

Charley: Hi, Greg.

Greg: Hi, Charley. What’s all that stuff.

Charley: The wallpaper samples for your folks, from my Dad’s shop. Say. is Marcia around?

Greg: No Charley, she’s not home from school yet. You can turn your motor off.

Charley (embarrassed): Well, uh, we’ll see you.

Greg: Sure.

(Inside, Alice is takig some cookies out of the oven.)

Carol: Mmm, Alice, those cookies smell delicious.

Alice: Hope they last till I get them in the cookie jar.

Carol: Tney sure do go fast.

Alice: In 4 years, not 1 of those kids have ever tasted a cold cookie.

(Charley knocks on the door.)

Carol: Oh, hi Charley, come on in.

Charley (coming in): Hi. Dad sent these samples for your bedroom.

Carol: Oh, good, let’s just set them down here on the table.

Charley: Dad said some of them are pretty expensive, but seeing that you’re Marcia’s mother, I think I can arrange a discount.

Alice: Will a few cookies get a discount on the discount.

Charley (taking a cookie): Thanks.

(Outside, Marcia is coming home.)

Greg: Hi.

Marcia: Hi.

Greg: Better brace yourself, your heartthrob Charley is inside.

Marcia: Charley is here?

Greg: He had to bring over some wallpaper.

Marcia: Greg, I need your advice about something.

Greg: Sure, what?

Marcia: What is the easiest way to break a date with a guy?

Greg: Break a date?

Marcia: Yeah.

Greg: Uh, tell him you’re sick or you had to go out of town.

Marcia: Mmm mmm, he might see me at school.

Greg: Why don’t you do what us guys always do. tell him suddenly came up.

Marcia: Something suddenly came up. That’s all?

Greg: It always works.

Marcia: Besides, it’s not even a lie. Thanks, Greg.

Greg: Do you have to break a date with Charley?

Marcia: Yeah.

Greg: How come?

Marcia: Something suddenly came up.

(She walks away and leaves Greg baffled. Back inside with Charley, Carol and Alice.)

Charley: My dad picked out these patterns for you himself.

Carol: That was very sweet of him.

Alice (pulling one up): How do you like this one, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: Oh, it looks good on you, Alice. let’s see how it looks on the bedroom wall. Bye, Charlie.

Alice: Help yourself to more cookies.

Charley: Thanks, we’ll see.

(Marcia comes inside.)

Marcia: Hi.

Charley: Hi, Marcia. gee, I was hoping I’d get to see you.

Marcia (sheepishly): Charley, there’s something I have to….

Charley: Oh, Saturday night, I can pick you up at 7. We can go to a movie, and afterwards, maybe some pizza.

Marcia: Well, I’m sorry….

Charley: If you don’t like pizza, maybe some tacos.

Marcia: It’s not that.

Charley: Hamburgers, chili dogs, you name it, you got it.

Marcia: Charley, I have to break our date.

Charley: You do? Gee, I hope nothing’s wrong.

Marcia: No, it’s just that, something suddenly came up.

Charley: Oh, well, I’m sure sorry.

Marcia: So am I, but…

Charley: Maybe we can make it some other time.

Marcia: Sure.

Charley: Well, I better be getting back to the shop. See you, Marcia.

Marcia: Bye.

(Cut to the parents’ bedroom, where Mike put up two samples of wallpaper for him and Carol to decide on which.)

Mike: Well, I don’t know, honey. Out of the two, the only one I halfway like is the one with the stripes.

Carol: No, I prefer the one with the roses.

Mike: Well, that’s okay if it was just a lady’s room. (He laughs) I mean, just a room for a lady. But, I like the stripes better.

Carol: Oh, honey, I would feel like I was in jail. Nah, I like the rose pattern much better.

(Alice comes by.)

Alice: Hi, did you decide anything yet?

Carol: No, Alice. Whiuch one do you like best?

Alice: Me?

Mike: Yeah, which one do you like?

Alice: Which one do you like, Mr. Brady?

Mike: I like the stripes.

Alice: Oh, you couldn’t have made a better choice. There’s nothing nicer than stripes.

Carol: I like the roses.

Alice: Yes, of course is roses. Roses are so (Pause) rosy. How about striped roses (Mike laughs) Rose colored stripes?

Carol: Oh, come on, Alice. what do you honestly think?

Alice: I honestly think I should keep my mouth shut.

(Mike laughs and Bobby and Cindy come by.)

Cindy: Hey Bobby, look at the wallpaper.

Bobby: That’s really neat, it sure doesn’t match.

Mike: What do you think?

Cindy: I like the roses the best.

Bobby: I like the stripes.

Bobby: I like the way it runs in the family.

(Carol laughs. We next take you to the boys’ room. Greg is doing homework and Marcia knocks.)

Greg: Come in.

Marcia: I just wanted to thank you for the advice.

Greg: About how to break your date?

Marcia: Mmm hmm. It worked fine.

Greg; How did Charley take it?

Marcia: Fine. It didn’t seem to bother him at all.

Greg: Good.

Marcia: But it made me feel awful.

Greg: You wanted the date with Doug, didn’t you?

Marcia: Sure. when I think about having a chance to go out with a guy like Doug, I feel fantastic. He’s so good-looking, popular and terrific.

Greg: Right.

Marcia: But when I think of Charley, just a plain, sweet, ordinary guy, sitting home alone, I feel terrible.

Greg: Then just think about Doug.

Marcia: You’re right. Doug’s the biggest man on campus. A girl would be out of her mind not to go out with him.

Greg: Sure.

Marcia: But poor old Charley, nice as can be, all alone Saturday night. I’m a rat.

Greg: Marcia, I can’t keep up with you.

Marcia: Me either. It’s not easy being a woman.

Greg: Well, i’ll tell you one thing, it’s a lot easier for u than it is for me.

(They laugh and now we go downstairs. Jan and Cindy are in the family room playing chess.)

Jan: Cindy, will you move?

Cindy: I’m thinking.

Jan: You only got one move to make, and you’re gonna lose. What’s there to think about?

Cindy: I’m thinking about losing.

(Charley knocks on the door.)

Jan: Oh, come in, Charley.

Charley: Hi, I just brought some new samples for your folks.

Jan: Oh, Mom’s upstairs.

Charley: Is Marcia around?

Jan: No, she hasn’t gotten back from school yet.

Charley: Oh.

(He walks away with the samples.)

Cindy: Boy, he sure is hung up on Marcia.

Jan: Yeah, poor Charley. Too bad she had to break her date with him.

Cindy: Why did she break her date?

Jan: Something suddenly came up.

Cindy: What?

Jan: You’re too young to understand.

(Doug gives Marcia a ride home. They pull in with his car.)

Jan: Oh no, Doug’s here.

Cindy: So what?

Jan; Cindy, you’re too young to understand.

(He gets up and opens the door for Marcia to get out of the car.)

Marcia: Thanks.

Doug: Sure.

Marcia: Thanks for the ride home, Doug.

Doug: Any time. You make the car look great, Marcia.

Marcia: Thanks.

Doug: Hey, don’t forget about our date on Saturday night.

Marcia: No way.

Jan (coming outside): Hi.

Marcia: Hi. (to Doug) I’d like you to meet my sister Jan. This is Doug Simpson.

Jan: Hi.Marcia (to Doug): Hey, how would you like to come in the house for a cold drink.

Jan (abruptly): He can’t.

Marcia: What do you mean he can’t.

Jan: We’re all out of cold drinks.

Marcia: How about a cold piece of fruit or something.

Jan: We’re all out of fruit too. And besides, it’s such a mess upstairs with all the wallpaper samples’

(She emphasizes the word wallpaper.)

Marcia: So what? We’ll stay downstairs.

Jan: Well, there are wallpaper samples all over the place, and that wallpaper didn’t walk in by itself, you know.

Marcia: Huh.

Jan: Somebody had to bring them.

(Marcia suddenly realizes.)

Marcia: Oh, yes, of course, I know what you mean. Jan’s right, the place is a mess.

Doug: Oh, well, I’ve got to get to football practice anyway, so I’ll see you, Marcia. (He gets into the car and Marcia reaches for her books) Oh, and, nice meeting you, Jan.

Jan: Yeah.

Marcia: Bye, see you at school.

Doug: Okay, see you then.

(He starts to drive off.)

Marcia: Boy, thanks for telling me Charley was here. that could have been a disaster.

Cindy (coming out): What could have been a disaster?

Marcia: Cindy, you’re too young to understand.

(Marcia and Jan go inside.)

Cindy: I wish I was old enough to understand all these things I’m too young to understand.

(That evening, Mike and Carol are in their bedroom.)

Mike: At last we found a pattern we can agree on.

Carol (laughing): Yeah, it only took two days and 100 samples.

Mike: I’ll give Charlie’s father the order in the morning.

Carol: Hey honey, wait a minute. It just occurred to me.

Mike: what does?

Carol: Well, if we use this wallpaper, we’re gonna have to get new drapes. (Mike laughs) yeah, and look at this carpeting. If we’re gonna get new wallpaper and new drapes, we’re gonna have get new carpeting.

Mike (astonished): New carpeting?

Carol: Yeah, and look at the bed spread. Honey, if we get new wallpaper, new drapers and new carpeting, we’re gonna have to have a new bed spread.

Mike: Listen honey, I got a great idea.

Carol: What?

Mike: Forget the wallpaper, let’s paint.

Carol: Okay, let’s paint. But we’re still gonna need new carpeting, new drapes and a new bed spread.

Mike: Not if we repaint the same color.

Carol: Oh, honey.

(Peter and Bobby are outside playing football.)

Peter: Okay, last quarter, and we’re behind, 7 to 6.

Bobby: Okay.

(Bobby gives the ball to Peter.)

Peter: 2, hut, hike.

(Bobby runs and throws the ball to Peter.)

Peter: Touchdown!

(Marcia is inside on the phone with Doug.)

Marcia: me too. I’m really looking forward to Saturday night, Doug. Yeah, I hate to say good-bye too. Bye.

(She hags the phone up in a trance. Carol comes by.)

Carol: Doug? (Marcia nods) when you come back to Earth would you please go tell the boys to come in and straighten up their room.

Marcia: Yeah.

(Back outside with the boys.)

Peter: 15, 64, 50, 80, 90, hike.

Marcia (coming outside): Hey, you guys. (Peter throws the ball to Bobby and hits Marcia in the face) Oh, my nose!

(Peter and Bobby come running to her.)

Bobby: Marcia, are you okay?

Peter: Are you hurt? We’re really sorry.

(Inside, Carol has her nose in a paper towel and ice.)

Carol: Oh, let’s take a look at it, honey.

Marcia (dismayed): It’s getting bigger by the minute.

Mike: We better get her to a doctor right away.

Carol: I hope it isn’t broken.

Marcia: What’s the difference. There goes my date with Doug.

(The next scene has Marcia looking in the mirror in her bedroom. Jan looks on.)

Marcia: Look at my nose. it’s getting bigger by the minute.

Jan: Oh, it’s not that big. It just seems that way because you’ve been staring at it.

Marcia: How can I avoid it? Wherever I look, there it is.

Jan: Look on the brightside. The doctor said it wasn’t broken.

(Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Marcia, I brought you some more ice.

Marcia: No more ice, Cindy. My nose is freezing. It’s turning blue.

Cindy: It’s a nice shade of blue.

Marcia: I wish I can go out on a date and leave my nose at home.

Jan: Doug’s a football player. He’s probably used to a lot of swollen noses.

Marcia: Yeah, but not on girls.

Cindy: Marcia, I’m proud to be your sister, now matter how terrible you look.

Marcia (annoyed): Thanks a lot.

(She goes to sit on the bed and Carol comes in.)

Carol: Hey, your nose is beginning to look better already (to Jan and Cindy) Isn’t it, girls? (They agree) Why don’t you try taking your mind off that nose. Help your father and me. We’re just starting to paint the bedroom. (Jan and Cindy go with Carol. Marcia stays.) Come on. It’s gonna be a lot of fun.

Marcia (to herself): Get my mind off of it. (She starts to envision the game over again) I’ll never forget that football game as long as I live. (She pictures the ball hitting her nose a few times)

(Now we bring you to Mie and Carol’s room, where the rest of the family is painting.)

Mike: Okay, kids, let’s get to work. Now, remember, this is not a game. Paint up and down, not in circles. Neatness counts.

Carol: Yeah, and be careful, the paint goes on the walls, not on your clothes.

Mike: Okay, let’s go.

(Peter criticizes Jan’s painting.)

Peter: You’re never gonna finish like that. Let me show you how. Give me your brush.

Greg: Hey, Pete.

(He turns around and Jan puts the brush in Peter’s hand, getting paint all over it. Bobby and Cindy are playing tic-tac-toe on another wall. Mike comes around.)

Mike (sternly): Didn’t I tell you kids no games? Besides, that’s paint for the window trim.

Bobby: Well, can’t we just finish it?

Mike: You are finished. Go.

(He washes the game off with a rag. Greg is painting near the door and Alice comes in. Greg accidentally paints her mouth.)

Greg (calling): Turpentine.

(Cut to Greg and Marcia’s school. They are walking around outside with Marcia putting her binder in front of her.)

Greg: You can’t go around school all day hiding behind that binder.

Marcia: I wouldn’t have come to school at all today if it hadn’t been for those two dumb tests.

Greg: Can’t you just try to forget about your nose.

Marcia (bitterly): I can’t. I don’t want Doug to see me until Saturday. By then the swelling might go down.

Greg: Oh, I get it. Well, keep it hidden then. See you.

Marcia: Bye.

(She continues to walk behind the binder. Then she literally runs into Doug. She goes to the water fountain and drinks heavily, in an attempt to hide her nose.)

Doug: Marcia, hey, I didn’t recognize you behind your notebook. I’ll walk you to your next class.

Marcia: That’s okay, oh, I’m really thirsty. Go on ahead.

Doug: Well, I’ll wait.

Marcia: That’s okay. I wouldn’t want you to be late on account of me.

Doug: I’ve never seen anybody drink that much water. You must be part camel.

(Marcia looks up at him and Doug sees her nose.)

Doug: Marcia, what happened?

Marcia: The silliest little thing. My brothers were playing football and my nose got in the way. it’s just a little bump.

Doug: Yeah, you can hardly even notice it. Uh, look, Marcia, the reason I wanted to walk to your class with you is, I have to tell you something. You see, I’m afraid we have to break our date for Saturday night.

Marcia: Break our date?

Doug: Yeah, well, you see, something suddenly came up.

Marcia: Something suddenly came up?

Doug: Yeah (The school bell rings) Well, I don’t want you to be late for class, okay. See you.

(He walks away.)

Marcia (to herself): Something suddenly came up.

(That evening, Alice is making up the couches in the family room for Carol and Mike to sleep in.)

Alice: Well, it won’t be as comfortable as your own bed, Mrs. Brady, but at least you won’t be inhaling paint all night.

Carol (laughing): Yeah, I can inhale beautiful, fresh, pure smog.

Alice: Some choice.

Carol: I’m so glad Marcia finally went to sleep. She was so upset.

Alice: Yeah, poor kid. She stood looking in the mirror saying “why me, why me”. Come to think of it, that’s what I say when I look in the mirror too.

(Carol laughs.)

Alice: Well, that ought to do it. Good night, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Good night, Alice. Thank you.

(Mike comes in.)

Alice: Good night, Mr. Brady. Happy sofa.

Mike: Thanks, Alice, and my sagwil thanks u too.

Carol: Mike. Do you realize that this will be the first night since we’ve been married that we haven’t slept in the same bed?

Mike: Breaks up the monotony, doesn’t it.

Carol: Now Mike, come on, don’t start that.

Mike: Oh, come on, can’t you take a joke?

Carol: Sure. I married you, didn’t I.

Mike: Oh, wait a second.

(They laugh and then kiss each other good night. Later on, they hear a noise form the kitchen.)

Mike: I wonder who’s in the kitchen.

Carol: I don’t know, there’s one way to find out. (calling) who’s in the kitchen?

Marcia (coming in): Me, Mom.

Carol: Wanna talk?

Marcia: Could we?

Mike: Sure, come in, sweetheart.

(He turns a light on and she sits down.)

Marcia: I couldn’t really sleep.

Carol: Marcia, honey, your nose isn’t gonna be swollen forever.

Mike: Try to forget about Saturday night.

Carol: Even though it wasn’t very nice of that boy to break your date.

Marcia: I guess I deserve it. I wasn’t very nice myself.

Mike: What do you mean?

Marcia: I broke my date with Charley for the same night just so I could go out with Doug Simpson, the big man on campus.

Carol: You’re right. That wasn’t very nice.

Mike: I think your problem isn’t a swollen nose, it’s a bruised conscience.

Marcia: I guess so.

(The next day, Marcia is moping outside in the backyard. Cindy comes up to her.)

Cindy: I came to cheer you up.

Marcia: Thanks, Cindy.

Cindy: Want to go to the corner for some ice cream. I found some money in the sofa.

Marcia: No, thanks.

Cindy: Marcia, do you mind being cheered up?

Marcia: No, it’s okay.

Cindy: Because when someone tries to cheer you up, and you don’t wanna be cheered up, it’s not very cheery.

Marcia: That’s right.

Cindy: Did I cheer you up?

Marcia: I’m afraid not.

Cindy: I guess I’ll get some ice cream anyway. Maybe it will cheer me up.

(Jan comes to Marcia with a record album.)

Jan: Hey, Marcia, do you want to listen to my new record album with me? It’s really far out.

Marcia: I’m not in the mood for enjoying myself.

Jan: I’ve seen you down before, but this has got to be the downest.

(Charley comes by.)

Charley: Hi, Marcia.

Marcia: Hi, Charley.

Charley: I just stopped by to pick up the paint brushes (He notices her nose) What happened to your nose?

Marcia: I had a little accident.

Charley: That’s too bad. Hey, I was thinking, if you can’t go out with me Saturday, how about Sunday.

Marcia: Not with this nose.

Charley: Marcia, I wanna take out all of you, not just your nose.

Marcia: Charley, I couldn’t go out with you or anybody else looking like this.

(The next morning, the girls are awoken by their alarm clock.)

Cindy (waking up): Why is it that nights are so short and days are so long?

Jan: Because during the day we have to go to school.

(Cindy notices something.)

Cindy (excited): Jan, look!

Jan: What? (She notices) Marcia, your nose!

Marcia: Don’t remind me, I dreamt I was Pinocchio.

Jan: No, the swelling is gone. Your nose is back to normal.

Marcia (feeling her nose) What? (She rushes to the mirror) It is back to normal, it’s me again! now the world can look me in the face and I can look back! I can’t believe it!

(Cut to the school, where Charley is sitting on a bench and Doug is walking by.)

Charley: Hey, Doug, that was a great game you played last week.

Doug: Oh, thanks a lot. Uhh…

Charley: Charley.

Doug: Yeah, right, Charley.

(Marcia and Greg are walking and they see Doug.)

Doug: Hi, Greg. Hi, Marcia.

Marcia: Hi.

Doug: Hey, Marcia. Wait up. Your nose is okay.

Marcia: Yeah, it is.

Doug: Um, Marcia, I was looking for you. My aunt, who was coming to town, well she changed her plans, so our date for Saturday night is still on. Okay?

Marcia: Sorry, Doug. I can’t make it.

Doug (surprised): You can’t?

Marcia: Something suddenly came up.

Doug: Oh, I see. Well, if you change your plane, let me know, okay.

Marcia: Sure.

Doug: See you.

Greg: See you, Doug. Nice going, Marcia. See you later.

Marcia: Bye. (She walks and then sees Charley on the bench) Charley, is that you?

Charley: Hi, Marcia.

Marcia: Hi.

Charley: I was just tying my shoelace. (He notices Marcia’s nose) Hey, your nose is back to its old self.

Marcia: Yeah, it’s okay now.

Charley: But like I said, you look great with any kind of nose.

Marcia: Thanks. Charley, there’sa something I have to tell you.

Charley: What?

Marcia: Well, I played a dirty trick on you.

Charley: Dirty trick?

Marcia: I broke the date I had with you Saturday because Doug Simpson asked me out for the same night. That was the something that suddenly came up.

Charley: You’re right. That was a dirty trick.

Marcia: I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry.

Charley: It’s okay.

Marcia: Hey, by the way, I’m still available if you’d like to go out with me on Saturday night.

Charley: I’d like to.

(The bell rings.)

Marcia: Good, I’ll walk you to class. Come on.

(They walk but then Charley trips and falls.)

Charley: I tied my shoelace to the bench.

Marcia (laughing): Charley, are you all right?

Charley: Clumsy, but all right.

(Cut to Saturday night. Mike and Carol are in the living room.)

Mike: It’s getting kind of late.

Carol: Oh, honey, Marcia’s just having a good time.

Mike: I’m not worried. I just said it was getting kind of late.

(Carol looks at her watch.)

Carol: My goodness, it is getting late.

Mike: Don’t worry, she’s just having a good time.

(Marcia comes in the front door.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Marcia: Hi.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart. (She sits down) Did you and Charley have a good time?

Marcia: Oh yeah, the movie was great. Charley’s really super.

Carol: Sounds like you had fun.

Marcia: Mmm hmm. Guess who we ran into later at the pizza place.

Mike: Don’t tell me Doug Simpson.

Carol: Big man on campus?

Marcia: Yep.

Carol: Was it uncomfortable?

Marcia: Well, Doug started teasing me about breaking my date with him, so Charley defended me. they got into a fight.

Carol: Fight! I hope nobody was hurt.

Marcia: I’m afraid he was. His nose wa sswollen up like a balloon.

Carol: Aw, poor Charley.

Marcia: Charley? it was Doug! Charley really belted him. Doug was so embarrasses that he ran home. Isn’t that dumb, just because of a swollen nose? What an ego.

Mike: Well it seems to me I remember someone else who felt exactly the same way when her nose was swollen up like a balloon.

Marcia: Who?

Mike: Who, you.

Marcia: Me.

Carol: Short memory.

(Marcia gets up and goes upstairs.)

Marcia: Good night.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Carol and Mike in their room. They are inspecting the paint job they did.)

Mike: Yeah, it looks great.

Carol: It really does. It looks like it’s been done by professional painters.

Mike: Well.

Carol: Mike, it just occurred to me.

Mike: What?

Carol: Now that we painted the bedroom, it makes the hallway look really shabby.

Mike: Oh, Carol.

Carol: I think we’re gonna have to paint the hallway.

Mike: Just the hallway.

Carol: Well, now that you mentioned it, we probably have to paint the stairs, too.

Mike: Yeah, now that I mentioned it.

Carol: Yeah, and probably the entry hall. And while we’re at it, we might as well paint your den. You’d like to have your den painted, would you Mike? (She notices he’s walked away) Mike, Mike (He startles her, she pinches his chin and kisses him) We can paint, can’t we?

Mike: We just did.

(They kiss again.)


S4 E17 Bobby’s Hero

Bobby’s Hero

Written by Michael Morris

Bobby idolizes Jesse James and drives the family crazy trying to emulate him. Hope you enjoy the script.











MR. HILLARY, principal of Bobby’s school


MR. COLLINS, visitor to the brady house

JESSE JAMES in Bobby’s dream

(The episode begins with Carol and Alice in the kitchen. Carol brings a tray containing a sandwich and pot of tea to Mike, who is working in his den.)

Mike: I didn’t hear you come in.

Carol: Well, I never disturb a genius at work, so I guess I’m not bothering you.

(He gives her an unhappy lock.)

Mike (sarcastically): Thank you.

Carol: So, how’s the speech coming?

Mike: I didn’t realize it would be this much research.

Carol: What’s it gonna be about?

Mike: The use of ancient architecture in modern buildings.

Carol: Huh, that ought to turn them on. (The phone rings) Hello, yes, this is Mrs. Brady. Oh, hello, Mr. Hillary. My husband happens to be at home right now as a matter of fact. yes, we can both come over. Yes, okay, Mr. Hillary, yes, we’ll see you in a little while. Thank you, bye.

(She hangs up.)

Mike: Bad news.

Carol: He didn’t say. When the principal calls, is it ever good news?

(Cut to the kitchen, where Alice is figuring out what the family needs from the market.)

Alice (to herself): Salt, pepper, (she checks the cookie jar) Cookies! (She checks a box of cookies and sees it is nearly empty) Salt! Pepper! Cookies! (She runs to a list and writes the items down. Carol and Mike come out.)

Carol: Alice, Mr. Brady and I have to go see the principal.

Mike: We won’t be gone long.

Alice: Okay, Mr. Brady. (She is busy writing and then realizes what they said) Principal! Which principal? (to herself) Elementary school, junior high, senior high? I wonder which kid has done what to who and where.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Carol and Mike in Mr. Hillary’s office, the principal at Bobby’s school.)

Hillary: My hero by Robert Brady. My hero is a very famous man, just like Robin Hood and the Three Musketeers. He was a great American and his name is (He takes his glasses off) Jesse James.

Mike (surprised): Jesse James?

Carol: The outlaw?

Hillary: It disturbs me when impressionable children like Bobby, read books and see movies that glorify men like Jesse James, make them into folk heroes. Jesse James was a cruel and vicious killer.

Carol: I’m really surprised at Bobby.

Hillary: Don’t be, Mrs. Brady. Look what’s happening today. The press writes stories about gangsters and skyjackers, they make them seem very glamorous in the eyes of the children.

Mike: Like today’s criminals will probably be tomorrow’s folk heroes.

Carol: Well, we’ll certainly discuss this with Bobby, Mr. Hillary.

Hillary: Good. Oh, Bobby’s teacher wouldn’t have brought this composition to my attention if it hadn’t been for this.

(He takes a capgun out of his drawer, which belongs to Bobby. he hands it to Mike.)

Mike: He knows better than to bring a capgun to school.

Hillary: At recess, he was playing Jesse James, pretending to hold up the other kids. It wasn’t the first time so I thought this was an area where the parents and the school ought to get together.

Carol: We really appreciate it, Mr. Hillary.

Mike: We’ll certainly have a talk with him. I’m sure he doesn’t intend to make a profession out of being an outlaw.

(He and Carol laugh. We move to the next scene, where Bobby and Cindy are playing Jesse James in the backyard.)

Bobby: One wrong move from anybody on this train, and you get it.

Cindy: Please don’t shoot me, Mr. James.

Bobby (taking his hat off): Just give me your money, lady.

(She pretends to put money in his hat.)

Cindy: Here, that’s all I have.

Bobby: Thank you, ma’am. Okay, now, everybody stay in your seats until I jump off. (He pretends to get off and get on his horse. Cindy runs up to him.) You’re supposed to be on the train.

Cindy: No, I’m not. Now, I’m the posse hunting you down.

Bobby: You’ll never get me. Nobody gets Jesse James.

(They run into the house and through the kitchen, where Alice is mopping.)

Cindy: Jesse James, you’re under arrest.

Bobby: No way, you can’t arrest me here.

Cindy: Why not?

Bobby: I just crossed the Rio Grande River, this is Mexico.

Alice: Well, vamoose, you calla heroes, because all of Mexico is gonna get mopped up.

Cindy: But I hav eto arrest him first.

Bobby: Forget it, deputy, even a U.S. Marshall can’t arrest you once you get into Mexico.

Cindy: Is that true, Alice?

Alice (pondering at first): As El presidente of Mexico, I give u permission to take this hombre prisoner.

Bobby: You can’t, you have to have extradition papers.

(mike and carol come out with Bobby’s gun.)

Mike: I got some, and I’m extraditing yo into my den right now.

Carol: Move it, Jesse.

(Bobby is in the den with his parents, they are discussing the composition he wrote.)

Bobby: What’s the matter? I got a C+, that’s not to bad.

Mike: Bob, it isn’t the grade. What we’re interested in is how you happened to write it?

Bobby: I had to. It was an assignment.

Carol: Bobby, what we mean is, why did you choose Jesse James for your hero.

Bobby: Well, I guess because he’s famous.

Mike: Bobby, he’s famous because he robbed and killed a whole lot of innocent people.

Carol: Bobby, did you know that almost everything Jesse James did was against the law?

Bobby: My pal Jimmy wrote about Robin Hood. Robin Hood was against the law. Nobody got mad at Jimmy.

Carol: Honey, we’re not getting mad at you. We’re just interested in knowing why you chose to write about Jesse James, that’s all.

Mike: listen, right now, he may seem like a very colorful, western character to you. But in actual fact, he was just a criminal. Now that may be easier for you to understand when u get a little older.

Bobby: Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’ll probably just grow out of it.

(Cut to the kitchen, where Alice and Carol are making dinner and Marcia and Jan are setting the table.)

Alice: Give that about 5 more minutes, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Good, Alice. (to Marcia and Jan) Girls, don’t forget the salad forks.

Marcia: Okay, Mom.

Jan: We won’t.

(Mike comes out.)

Mike: Ladies, can I have your attention for a minute?

Carol: Sure.

(He motions to Marcia and Jan to come closer.)

Mike: I’ve almost finished my speech for the convention. I want to start it out with a joke, because, I want to do something to get their attention, so, can I try it out on you?

Carol: Sure, we’d all love to hear it.

Mike: So I come in, and I say, Mr. Chairman, ladies and gentlemen, fellow architects, honored guests. Before I launch into my subject for this evening, I would like to make a very important announcement about our progress in city planning. I hear that we’ve just torn down a freeway to make room for a slum. (They look at him like they don’t get it) That’s the joke. (Alice laughs) Well, to architects it might be funny.

Carol: Well, sure, honey, it’s just that, none of us are architects.

(That evening, the family is at the dinner table, about to have pizza. They say a prayer before eating.)

Mike: And keep us ever mindful of thy bountiful blessings. Amen.

(The rest of the family says Amen. Bobby’s capgun accidentally goes off.)

Mike: Bobby!

Bobby: I didn’t mean to pull the trigger.

Mike: We have told you before, no toys at the table, and especially capguns.

Bobby: I’m sorry, Dad. I won’t play with it again.

Mike: Yeah, well, just to make sure.

(He puts his hand out for Boby to give it to him.)

Peter: You and that dumb Jesse James.

Jan: What about Jesse James?

Greg: Bobby wrote an English composition about him. He’s his hero.

(Carol smiles.)

Cindy: I had to write about a hero once. I got an A.

Marcia: Who did you write it on?

Cindy: Joan of Arc. She saw visions, and she won battles. And later she was made a saint. She was a great woman.

Bobby: That’s okay for you. You got a lot better chance of being a woman than I have.

(Greg and Carol smile.)

Peter: Personally, I like George Washington. Now, there’s a hero.

Bobby: Fat chance I got of being father of my country.

Greg: Bobby, there are lots of great heroes that are around right now. Take Wilt Chamberlain for instance.

Mike: Yeah, now there’s a great guy for you to follow.

Bobby: Yeah, some chance I got of being 7’2″, and black.

(They all laugh.)

Carol: Just eat your pizza.

(After dinner, Mike and Carol are in the den. Mike is rehearsing his speech.)

Mike: Chairman, fellow architects, honored guests.

(Bobby comes in with a newspaper in his hand.)

Bobby: Dad, Mom, can I ask a favor?

Mike: What?

Bobby: Well, could I stay up a little bit after my bedtime tonight?

Carol: What for?

Bobby: You see, there’s this really neat movie on television, and I’ve never seen it. Is it okay?

Carol: What’s the picture?

Bobby: Well, it’s called….. you see….

Mike: what’s it called?

Bobby (sheepishly): Jesse James on the vengeance trail.

Carol (shocked): Jesse James?

Mike (sternly): Bobby, what have we been talking about? We have had enough Jesse James around here and thta’s it.

Bobby: But, Dad.

Carol: Bobby, you heard your father, that’s it.

Bobby: Okay.

(He leaves.)

Mike: Close the door.

(He closes it.)

Mike: Honey, Jesse James must have killed 45 people in that picture.

Carol: That was before the credits.

Mike: Imagine Bobby watching a picture like that.

Carol: Yeah, imagine.

(This gives them an idea. Later that night, Bobby watches the movie with Carol and Mike.)

Bobby: Thanks for letting me watch the show.

Mike: This is one movie about Jesse James we thought would be a good idea for you to see.

(Carol and Mike discuss the movie to each other.)

Carol: I think this is the scene where he robs the bank.

Mike: Yeah, he shoots all the customers in the back.

(They show James walking into the bank. Then he leaves the bank nd gets on his horse, then rides away.)

Bobby: Wow, Jesse didn’t even use a gun!

Carol (to Mike): They skipped the whole incident!

Mike: They edited it out. (They show him riding off) They skipped another scene where they killed everybody.

Carol: Mike, I forgot what happens here.

Mike: I’m not sure I remember, but I think this is where he shoots the prospector in the back and he rides off with the daughter as a hostage.

(They show a scene with James riding off with the daughter.)

Bobby: Boy, isn’t Jesse nice to give that girl a ride?

(Carol motions to Mike to confer in the kitchen.)

Carol: They took out all the violence just as we were trying to prove a point. Jesse James will be even more of a hero to him now.

Mike: You know, maybe Bobby has the answer to this himself.

Carol: What do you mean?

Mike: Well, he said he’d probably grow out of it.

Carol: Yeah, maybe you got a point. Let’s just wait and see what happens.

(Bobby is in the family room still watching the movie.)

Bobby: Wow, look at Jesse ride.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike in his den searching for his speech.)

Mike: Carol, Carol!

(She comes running in the den.)

Carol: I’m right here, honey.

Mike: Sorry. Look, honey, it’s my speech. I put it right here (his draft board) last night but now it’s not here.

Carol: Well, don’t get too upset. We’ll find it. It’s got to be here someplace.

Mike: I’ve been all over this house and around here for the second time.

Peter: Mom, Dad, I’ve come here to discuss a very delicate manner.

Mike: What?

Peter: My allowance. You forgot.

Mike: I did?

Peter: Yeah.

Mike: Listen, I will give you an extra dollar if you find the speech I lost. It’s on paper just like this.

Peter: Hey, great.

Mike: No, no, no, we’ll look here. You look around the house.

Carol: Yeah, go pass the word around to the rest of the kids.

Peter: Do I have to?

Mike: Yes.

Peter: Okay.

(He hangs around.)

Mike: What?

Peter: My allowance. (Mike takes his wallet out and gives Peter money) thanks.

(Cut to outside, where Marcia and Jan are looking in garbage cans. Cindy comes out.)

Cindy: What are you doing?

Marcia: We’re looking for something.

Cindy: Can I look too?

Marcia: Sure.

Cindy: Can I ask you something?

Marcia: What?

Cindy: What am i looking for?

Jan: Dad’s speech. There’s a reward for whoever finds it. 1 dollar.

Cindy: Wow.

(Bobby comes by playing Jesse James.)

Bobby: All right, all you women to the rear of the bank.

Marcia: Bobby, would you leave us alone?

Jan: Just get lost.

Bobby: Nobody tells Jesse James to get lost.

Cindy: Well, we’re telling you. Get lost.

Bobby: All right, I’ll just rob me a different bank.

(Meanwhile, Peter and Greg are looking in the coat closet by the front door for Mike’s speech.)

Greg: Dad could’ve stuck his speech in his pocket and forgot it.

Peter: For a dollar, it’s worth a look.

(They search the jackets and then Bobby comes up to them.)

Peter: It’s not in this one.

Greg: Not in that one either.

Bobby: Okay, stick ‘Em up, both of you. Now that you got the bank vault open, just empty it out.

Greg: Will you beat it?

Bobby: You’re talking to Jesse James, partner.

Peter: Knock it off.

Bobby: Into the bank vault, both of you.

Greg: I got a better idea. You get in the bank vault, Jesse.

(They both grab Bobby and lock him in the closet. Bobby screams to let him out. Mike comes around.)

Mike: Boys, boys, what’s going on?

Greg: Great jesse James just got captured.

Mike: Okay, joke’s over. Come on.

(They walk away while Bobby screams to let him out. The door opens and Bobby falls. Mike gets him back up.)

Mike (sternly): Now, I want this to stop! Am I coming through loud and clear?

Bobby: But, Dad, they…

Mike: No buts, no more Jesse James, Bob, and that’s an order.

Bobby: Yes, sir.

(Carol comes up to him.)

Carol: Mr. Chairman, fellow architect and Mike Brady. It gives me great pleasure to tell you that I found your speech.

Mike (relieved): Oh! Great honey, where did you find it.

Carol: In a very strange place.

Mike: Where?

Carol: Your briefcase.

Mike: My brief… (He suddenly realizes) I put it in my briefcase when I did my research in the library the other day. Oh, how dumb. Sweetheart, you are a lifesaver.

(He gives her a big kiss.)

Carol: Is that all i get?

Mike: What did you expect?

Carol (putting out her hand): A dollar.

(He takes his wallet out. We next see Mike at the library. He brings his books back.)

Mike: I’d like to check these books in, please.

Librarian: Certainly. I hope thye bwere helpful.

Mike: Yes, they were. I finished my research.

Librarian: Good. We’re just delighted when our library can be useful.

Mike: I was interested in finding some books on Jesse James.

Librarian: Jesse James?

Mike: Yes, but I didn’t want novels. I’d like to have factual counts on his life.

Librarian: Mmm hmm. As a matter of fact, we have several good books on his life. (She points) Right over there.

(That evening, Mike is in his bedroom reading a book entitled the Teal Jesse James. Carol is upset because it is keeping her awake.)

Carol: Honey, can we put the light out in the old bunkhouse. The cattle drive starts early in the morning.

Mike: Mmm hmm.

Carol: Honey, this cowhand needs a little shuteye.

Mike: You know, this is a very interesting book. It was written by a fellow whose father was killed by Jesse James, and it’s got a bunch of eyewitness accounts.

Carol: Hmm, maybe Bobby ought to read it.

Mike: Yeah, I got a better idea. You know, in the flyleaf, of the biography of the author, it said when the book was written, he lived in Sundale.

Carol: That’s not far from here.

Mike: Right.

(The next day, Mr. Collins, the author of the book, comes over to visit. Mike greets him at the door.)

Mike: Mr. Collins.

Collins: Yes, sir, that’s me.

Mike: How do you do, I’m Mike Brady. (They shake hands) Come in. Thanks for coming.

Collins: Oh, I’m glad I know someone read my book. I thought I was the only one who bought a copy.

Mike: It was a very interesting book. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I think you’re gonna be able to help us with our son, Bob.

Collins: I’ve been thinking over what you told me on the phone. I feel sure I can straighten out that boy of yours.

Mike: Good. (Carol comes out) Honey, I’d like you to meet Mr. Collins, (he takes his hat off and they shake hands) Mr. Collins, this is Mr. Brady.

Collins: Pleasure to meet you.

Carol: Oh, pleasure to meet you, Mr. Collins.

Mike: Excuse me, I’ll get Bob.

Carol (to Mr. Collins): Please sit down. Would you like some coffee?

Collins: Coffee, no. I still like mine cooked over an open fire and boiled until it’s miserable.

(Carol laughs. Mike comes out with Bobby.)

Mike: Bob, this is Mr. Collins., Mr. Collins, this is our son, Bob.

Collins: Hello.

Bobby: Hi.

(They shake hands.)

Collins: Hello, son.

Mike: I think you’re gonna find this gentlemen very interesting. Did you know his father actually knew Jesse James?

Bobby (excited): He did? Wow, am I glad to meet you.

Collins: I hear Jesse is ahero of yours.

Bobby: I wrote a whole composition about him at school.

Collins: I wrote a whole book about Jesse James. Only he wasn’t a hero to me.

Bobby: He wasn’t.

(Mr. Collins shakes his head no.)

Collins: No. Jesse James killed my father.

Bobby: he did?

Collins: Shot him in the back, that’s how he usually shot them. Too cowardlyto face them, I guess.

Bobby: I can’t believe that, Mr. Collins.

Carol: He’s telling you the truth, Bobby.

Collins: Son, you know the legends. I know the facts.

Mike: Mr. Collins, why don’t you tell Bob about how it was with your father.

Collins: Well, I was just a little boy at the time. My father was riding a train to California. Jesse James held it up.

Bobby: Did they have a shootout?

Collins: Well, wasn’t much of a shootout. My father with his face to the wall, hands in the air, and not wearing a gun.

Bobby: Then why did Jesse James shoot him?

Collins: Because that was the kind of man Jesse James was, a mean, dirty killer. My mother used to cry about it in her sleep. When I was old enough to understand, I used to have nightmares about it myself. Awful nightmares, about that, train robbery.

(That evening, the boys are in their room sleeping. Bobby starts hearing Mr. Collins’ voice in his head about Jesse James being a mean, dirty killer. He has a dream that he and the family are taking a train to California.)

Peter (to Cindy): Isn’t it great to be going to California?

Cindy: Yeah.

Jan: I hear California is really beautiful.

Marcia: Sounds wonderful.

Greg: Yeah, how long until we get there.

Mike: Oh, not long, son. With these new trains, it oly takes 18 days to get to California.

Carol (laughing): And thta’s all the way from Arizona.

(Jesse James rides up to the train and enters to hold it up.)

Jesse: Hands up, don’t anybody move. it’s the world famous Jesse James.

(They all scream. Bobby comes out of his seat to talk to him.)

Bobby: jesse James. I never thought I’d get to meet you.

Jesse: I said hands up. Now everyone. throw your purses and wallets in the aisle.)

Mike: Be calm everybody! Do what he says and nobody gets shot.

Bobby: Aw, Dad. He wouldn’t shoot anybody. Jesse James is a real great guy. He’s my hero. (Jesse gets down to collect all their belongings) I even wrote a composition about you, and how you’re such a great hero. I’m sorry I only got a C+.

Jesse: All right everybody. Face the window, with your backs to me.

Bobby: What do you want them to do that for, Jesse?

Jesse: So that I could shoot ‘Em, of course.

(They all scream.)

Bobby: But, this is my family. That’s my Dad. (Jesse shoots and Bobby gets hysterical) Oh no, he shot my Dad! (Jesse shoots at every other member of the family while Bobby starts crying and carrying on till he wakes up) Jesse, no, don’t shoot please! Stop, Jesse, no, no!

Peter (waking up): Bobby, what’s the matter?

Greg: You must’ve been having a bad dream.

Bobby: It was awful.

Peter: Tell us about it.

Bobby: It was the worst dream in the whole world.

(Cut to the parents’ room, where Mike is going over his speech one last time.)

Mike: I’m as ready as I’ll ever be with this speech. (He hears a knock on the door) Come in.

(Bobby enters.)

Bobby: I’m turning in my guns. I don’t ever wanna see another gun again.

Mike: Good mna. I’m glad to hear it.

Bobby: You were right about Jesse James, he was a real bad guy.

Carol: That talk with Mr. Collins really got through to you, huh.

Bobby: Did it ever.

Mike: Well, you just have to be careful who you pick for a hero.

Bobby: Yeah. Next time, whoever it is, it’s gonna be a real good guy.

(The scene fades out.)

)The final scene has Mike leaving to give his speech.)

Carol: Good luck with the speech, honey, I just know it’s gonna be a big hit.

Mike: I hope so. I just wish I had a good joke to start it off with.

Carol: Hey, listen, I remember a joke that might fit.

Mike: Honey, it’s got to be about architects.

Carol: Yeah it is. It’s about this architect who designed a buildings that had no doors in it at all.

Mike: No doors? How do you get in?

Carol: Well, you just keep running around it and running around it until you’re all in, get it?

Mike: Good bye, honey.

(He starts walking out the door.)

Carol: Hey, wait a minute, you forgot to kiss me.

Mike: That’s right.

He leaves and Carol stands there and puckers. He comes back in and kisses her.)

Carol: Bye.

Mike: Good bye.Carol: Good luck.


S4 E16 Amateur Nite

Amateur Nite

Written by Sam Locke and Milton Pascal

The kids appear on a Tv show talent contest to win money to but their parents a wedding anniversary. I Hope you enjoy the script.











ALFIE, man at department store

MR. GOODBODY, manager of bank

PETE STERNE, host of talent show

(The episode begins with Jan at the department store. She is browsing around and then she goes up to Alfred Butler “Alfie”, who is the manager.

Alfie: Good afternoon, young lady, may I help you?

Jan: Yes, we were in here last week, and we ordered an anniversary gift for our parents, a silver platter.

Alfie (to himself): Silver platter. (He realizes) Oh yes, the Brady children.

Jan: And I came in the next day and ordered the engraving.

Alfie: Oh, of course. You’re Jan Brady.

Jan: Right, is it ready?

Alfie: It just came in this morning. I’ll get it for you. (He takes it out form under the counter) I’m sure you’ll find it exactly the way you wanted it.

Jan (looking at the platter): Oh, that’s beautiful. Mom and Dad, Happy Anniversary, all our love, Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy. (to Alfie) I’m glad you were able to get all our names on it.

Alfie: It wasn’t easy. One more brother or sister and we’d have to continue on the back. (She laughs) I’ll get your bill.

Jan: Oh, but we already paid for the platter. I’ve got the receipt right here.

Alfie: This bill is for the engraving. Remember, I told you there’d be an extra charge.

Jan: Oh, yes you did. (She out some change from her pocketbook) 50, 60, 85 cents.

Alfie: This bill is for $56.23.

Jan (surprised): You said the engraving was only gonna be for 85 cents.

Alfie: 85 cents a letter, don’t u remember?

Jan: I guess I wasn’t listening very well. What am I gonna do? I don’t have the money. And my parents’ anniversary is next Saturday.

Alfie: Well, that’s still a week away. Perhaps you can raise the money by then.

Jan: It took us 6 months to save up for the platter.

Alfie: I really don’t know what to do about this.

Jan: I don’t either. But until then, can you hold on to the platter for me?

Alfie: What else can I do? Unless I find another couple who has an anniversary and have 6 kids named Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy. I’m really very sorry.

Jan: Not half as sorry as I am. This whole thing is my fault.

(She leaves the store and the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Jan and Marcia discussing the issue in their bedroom.

Marcia: Jan, how could you be so stupid? Don’t you know the difference between 85 cents a letter and 85 cents for the whole inscription?

Jan: Yeah, $56.23.

Marcia: Nobody told you to order the engraving in the first place.

Jan (bitterly): I know. I thought it would look nicer that way. I wanted to surprise everybody.

Marcia: Well, you sure did. Now we won’t have a gift for Saturday for Mom and Dad’s anniversary.

Jan: Yeah, but we still have a week to raise the money.

Marcia: How? We can’t ask Mom and Dad for a loan. Who else around here has money? Except (Pause) maybe Alice.

Jan: Sure, Alice. She’s always talking about saving up for a rainy day.

Marcia: And we’re right in the middle of the hurricane season. Come on.

(The girls go downstairs to see Alice, who is on the telephone and turning on the television.)

Alice: It’s time for your picture tooth to blow. What she doesn’t know is Albert is falling in love with this woman doctor, who has to support an invalid mother who just got evicted from her apartment. And poor Tommy, he’s got to have some money. And China, that’s Tommy’s mother’s brother in-law who won’t lend him the money for the operation. Cheapskate, what’s a measly $100. (Marcia and Jan look happy and confident) Kay, that reminds me, I had to buy an anniversary present for the Bradys and my insurance premium came due. Well, pay day isn’t for 2 weeks, I was wondering if you could lend me a few dollars till then.

Jan (to Marcia): Shoot, we need to raise the money, but we better forget about Alice.

Marcia: Yeah, let’s get out of here before she asks us for a loan.

(They both shush each other and sneak away. Cut to the den, where Mike is on the phone with his boss, Mr. Phillips.)

Mike: Couldn’t that wait until next week? I see, no, no, if it has to be that way, I understand. Yeah, thanks Mr. Philips, good-bye. (He hangs up the phone, to Carol) Honey, about that honeymoon cottage, remember the leaky roof, lumpy mattress, and the mosquitos yelling bonsai all night long?

Carol: We can’t leave on Thursday.

Mike: That’s right, I have to appear before the planning commission on that design for the courthouse.

Carol: Honey, I got a great idea.

Mike: What?

Carol: For the first time in our marriage, why don’t we have an anniversary dinner in town like we always do.

(He laughs.)

Mike: Listen, I’m hungry.

Carol: Come on, dinner’s just about ready.

(They prepare to leave the den and bobby and Cindy come in.)

Bobby: Dad, can I talk to you about something real important?

Mike: Why, sure, step into my office. I hope you don’t mind if my secretary stays around, she’s very reliable.

Cindy: It’s okay, she can listen.

Carol: Thank you.

Mike: Okay, what can we do for you?

Bobby: Well, what do you do when a person needs an awful lot of money real fast?

Mike: Well it depends on what you mean by a lot. a million dollars, a thousand dollars, 25 cents.

Cindy: Kind of in between.

Carol: Well, we could give you an advance on your allowance.

Bobby: Oh, no, we didn’t say it was for us. I mean, we know these people, who need an awful lot of money.

Cindy: Fast.

Mike: Well, people who need money usually make a loan at the bank.

Bobby: Just like that? You get a loan?

Carol: Sure, that’s why they have loan departments.

Mike: First, when you borrow money you have to pay it back, you know. In fact, you have to pay back more than you borrow because the bank adds on interest.

Cindy: Can’t you borrow interest so you can pay the interest?

Carol (laughing): I’m with her.

Bobby: thanks, dad, you’ve been a lot of help.

Mike: Well, anytime.

(The kids leave the den.)

Carol: I wonder what they’re up to.

Mike: Our anniversary is coming up, maybe they’re thinking of a gift.

Carol: Yeah, but such high finance, borrowing money from a bank?

Mike: Maybe they’re planning on paying off the mortgage.

(They laugh. Next. Bobby and Cindy are down at the bank. They are in the office of Mr. Goodbody, the bank manager. He is on the phone discussing a loan with a customer.)

Goodbody: Yes, and thanks for calling us in particular, Mr. Whitfield. Oh, we checked everything. Your benefits, assets, collateral. and regarding your application, we can loan you $100,000 at 8 percent.

Bobby (to Cindy): Did you hear that? $100,000. This must be a rich bank.

Cindy: And friendly too.

(She points at the sign that says the friendly bank.)

Goodbody: Good bye now. (He hangs up the phone and acknowledges the kids) I’m Mr. Goodbody, children. What can I do for you?

Cindy: We want to borrow money from your rich, friendly bank.

Bobby: Just until Saturday.

Goodbody: And then you’ll pay it back.

Bobby: No, first we have to pay the man at the department store. You see, Cindy and I and all our brothers and sisters bought a silver platter for our Mom and Dad.

Cindy: And on account of Jan being stupid, we owe the department store $56.23.

Bobby: Including tax.

Goodbody: Uh, I see.

Bobby: And that’s why we borrow some money.

Goodbody: When you take out a loan at the bank, somebody has to sign for it.

Cindy: You do it, Cindy. (to Mr. Goodbody) She got an A in penmanship.

Goodbody: Oh, she did. Then we also have what we call a co-signer. that’s another person who will be responsible for the loan in case the signer can’t repay it.

Bobby: That’s okay, I’ll be the co-signer.

Cindy: He’s very responsible.

Goodbody: oh, I’m sure. And then we’ll need some collateral.

Bobby: What’s that?

Goodbody: Well, that’s something of real value, you know, like, jewelry, real estate, stocks and bonds.

Bobby: If we had all that stuff, we wouldn’t need the loan.

Goodbody: Yes. Well, I’d certainly like to help you children, but, I’m sure that, a loan isn’t possible for you because of your age. However, you’re two very charming young people and you deserve something for coming down here. (Bobby and Cindy look like they’re expecting something big. Mr. Goodbody takes out a couple of coin banks for them.) Here. Now, if you put all your cons in here, I’m sure you can save enough of them so you won’t need a loan. And I’m gonna start you off with a dime each.

(He puts a dime in each of them and they get up to leave.)

Bobby: Thanks.

Cindy: Thanks a lot.

Bobby: Mr. Goodbody, instead of $56.23, can you get us a smaller loan?

Goodbody: A smaller loan?

Bobby: Yeah, like $56.03?

(He laughs and the kids leave. Next, the kids are in the family room and Jan is trying to collect money from them.)

Jan: Greg, did you find any of the guys who owe you money?

Greg: Yeah, Harvey, he’s the one who owes me 5 bucks.

Jan: Did he pay you? (He shakes his head no) Oh, Greg. (She goes over to Marcia) Marcia, how did you do with the watch?

Marcia: No sale.

Jan: Well, what happened? I thought you said Penny was crazy about the watch.

Marcia: She was, until I told her it was $10. Then she said I was crazy.

Peter: Jan, what have you been doing?

Jan: I went down to the TV station, KBES, and signed us up for the amateur contest.

Peter: Amateur contest?

Jan: Every Saturday morning. First prize is $100.

Marcia (excited): $100?

(Bobby and Cindy get excited as well.)

Jan: But before we can get on the show, we have to audition our act.

Greg: What act?

Jan: Well, we can sing a little, and we can dance a little, and Bobby and Cindy can be cute and charming.

Cindy: I don’t want to be cute?

Bobby: I don’t want to be charming.

Jan: Not even to get that platter for Mom and Dad?

Cindy: Okay, I’ll be cute.

Bobby: I’ll be charming.

Greg (laughing): Jan, you ding-a-ling, we have about as much chance of getting on that show, winning first prize, and getting that money as we do of robbing a bank.

Bobby (excited): Hey!

Greg: Forget it.

(The phone rings and Jan answers.)

Jan: Hello. Yes, this is me. Yes, Mr. Stern, okay, yeah. Thank you, bye. (She hangs up and gets excited) We did it, we got an audition for the amateur contest!

(The kids all get excited and the scene fades.)

(The next scene has the kids rehearsing a dance in the garage. They are practicing some dance steps and Mike comes out.)

Greg: Hi, Dad.

Mike: What are you doing?

Greg (after a long pause): Jan’s having trouble with her bike and we were just helping her.

(The kids all agree. Next, Carol comes out and when they notice her, they revert to exercising. Alice comes out next and she hears the kids practicing.)

Alice: Hey you kids, what are you doing in there?

Greg (after a long pause): Cleaning the garage.

(They grab brooms and stuff.)

Alice: Cleaning the garage?

(The next scene has the kids auditioning in the studio.)

Jan (singing): I think I’ll go for a walk outside now. The summer sun’s calling my name.

All the kids: I hear you know, I just can’t stay inside all day. I got to get out and get some of those rays.

Boys: Everybody’s smiling.

Girls: Sunshine day.

Boys: Everybody’s laughing.

Girls: Sunshine day.

All: Everybody seems so happy today. it’s the sunshine day.

Cindy: I think I’ll go for a walk outside now. The summer sun knows me by name.

All: He’s calling me, I got to get out, get away, get away, get away, get away into the sunshine day.

Bobby: Don’t you dig the sunshine, now it’s all but the same, can’t you hear it calling your name?

Marcia: I think I’ll take a walk every day now, the summer sun has shown me the way.

All: To be happy now, I just can’t stay inside all day. I got to get out and get some of those rays.

Boys: Everybody’s smiling.

Girls: Sunshine day.

Boys: Everybody’s laughing.

Girls: Sunshine day.

All: Everybody seems so happy today. it’s the sunshine day.

Bobby: Don’t you dig the sunshine, now it’s all but the same, can’t you hear it calling your name?

All: I think I’ll go for a walk outside now. The summer sun’s calling my name. I hear you know, I just can’t stay inside all day. I got to get out and get some of those rays.

Boys: Everybody’s smiling.

Girls: Sunshine day.

Boys: Everybody’s laughing.

Girls: Sunshine day.

All: Everybody seems so happy today. it’s the sunshine day.

(Pete Sterne, the host of the show, approaches them.)

Sterne: Well, okay, that’s not bad, kids.

Greg: Thanks.

Sterne: And what did you say your names were again?

Greg: Oh, I’m Greg, this is Marcia, Jan, Peter, Bobby and Cindy.

Sterne: Well, don’t you have a name for the group?

Greg: Oh yeah, sure, just call us the Silver Platters.

Sterne (writing down): the Silver Platters, okay. Rehearsal is at 10 tomorrow morning. the show’s at 11.

Jan (excited): You mean we’re on the show?

Sterne: You’re on. (They all cheer) Hold it, hold it, hold it, what about costumes?

Marcia: Costumes? We didn’t have time to get any.

Bobby: Or any money.

Sterne: Oh, I’ll tell you what. We have a wardrobe department here at the studio. Why don’t you show up an hour earlier tomorrow morning and we’ll fix you up with something.

(They all agree)

Jan: Mr. Sterne? You think we have any chance of winning the $100 prize?

Sterne: Oh, sure, why not?

(They get excited and leave. Back at home, Jan is coming home from school and sees Carol in the kitchen.)

Jan: Hi.

Carol: Hi, honey.

(She is knitting something at the kitchen table.)

Jan: That’s very pretty.

Carol: Yeah, it’s the mosaic stitch, it’s really very easy.

Jan: Show me how.

(Mike comes in the kitchen.)

Mike: Hey, what a charming domestic scene. The family that knits together sits together.

Carol: Oh, that’s pretty good, except this isn’t knitting.

Mike: I couldn’t think up a rhyme for needlepoint. (The phone rings and Mike answers. it’s Alfred Bailey.) Hello.

Alfie: Hello, I’d like to speak to Ms. Jan Brady, please.

Mike: Just a moment, please. (He brings the phone to Jan) Jan, a gentleman wishes to converse with you.

Jan: A gentleman?

Mike: I think it’s one of your boyfriends whose voice is changing.

Jan (answering the phone): Hello.

Alfie: Hello, Ms. Brady, this is Alfred Bailey at the department store. The silver salesman.

Jan: Oh, hi, Alfie.

Alfie (looking upset): Ms. Brady, you were supposed to bring in the $56.23 for the engraving today for the engraving on the platter. Have you forgotten?

Jan: How can I forget you, Alfie?

Alfie: Ms. Brady, you promised to make that payment today.

Jan: I’m sorry, Alfie, but I just can’t make it today. I promise I’ll be there tomorrow.

Alfie: With the payment?

Jan: Yes.

Alfie: We accept cash, you know.

Jan: Groovy, it’s a date. Bye.

(She hangs up.)

Carol: Who’s Alfie? A new boyfriend?

Jan: No. I’d say he’s more of an acquaintance.

Carol: Notthing special.

Jan: No, after tomorrow, I’ll probably never see him again.

Mike: You know that in advance?

Jan: I guess I’m fickle.

(The next morning, the kids sneak out but are caught by Alice.)

Alice: Where are you all going. (They scream and stop suddenly) What’s everyone doing up so early on a Saturday morning?

Greg: I’ll tell you. We’re going to a football game. (They al agree) I’m gonna play and they’re gonna watch.

(They start to leave.)

Alice: Football at this hour?

Marcia: We want to get good seats.

(They say good-bye and go out the door.)

Alice (to herself): Now why don’t I believe that?

(Later on, Alice is dusting the table in the family room and talking on the phone.)

Alice: Remember when Horace broke up with Bianca to marry Evelyn? Only she didn’t want to leave Albert while he was still in the hospital? Well, Horace just had a gallbladder attack and they had to put him in the hospital. And they’re putting him in the same room with Albert. Now wait a minute, I just remembered something. Horace had his gallbladder out episodes ago. Oh, I’ve had it with this show. I’ll call you back, Kay. Bye. (She changes the channel) Reruns and reruns I haven’t seen.

(She adjusts the volume to a higher level, then hears the noise of dogs barking. This is the show the kids are on.)

Sterne: How about that, folks. Patty’s Prancing Poodles. And they really registered on the old applause meter too. Now, for our final act this morning, we have six kids. Three boys, three girls. A match set, you might say. They call themselves the Silver Platters, and here they are.

(All the kids come out. Alice is more than surprised.)

Alice: The Silver Platters? Th, th, th, th, (She gets up) Mr. Brady!, Mrs. Brady!, come quick, the kids on our television!

Carol: What kids?

Alice: Yours, his, ours. Come on, quick.

Mike: I thought you said they went to a football game.

Alice: That’s what I said they said.

(They rush into the family room, where the kids perform a song called “Keep On Movin'”.)

All: Flying down the highway in my makeshift Model T.A. Woo! Yeah! Woo!It’s a beautiful morning and it’s gonna be a beautiful day the wheels are humming and the guitar’s strumming
and the radio is blasting and good sounds are coming as we’re flying down the highway in a makeshift Model T.A. We’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on dancin’ all through the night.
we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on doin’ it right we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on movin’
gonna keep on, keep on, keep on groovin’ keep on singin’ and dancin’ all through the night.

Mike: Why didn’t they tell us about this?

Carol: Where did they get those costumes?

Boys: You can hear the music coming twenty-six miles away

Girls: Woo! Yeah! Woo!

All: smilin’ is happy and happy is here to stay shiftin’ on down, comin’ into town
wavin’ at the kids all hanging around cruisin’ down the bay in my makeshift model T.A. We’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on dancin’ all through the night we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on doin’ it right we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on movin’ gonna keep on, keep on, keep on groovin’ keep on singin’ and dancin’ all through the night keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on dancin’ all through the night we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on doin’ it right we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on movin’ gonna keep on, keep on, keep on groovin’ keep on singin’ and dancin’ all through the night.

(The song finishes and the parents and Alice applaud.)

Sterne (applauding): How about that, kids, the Silver Platters. Terrific, kids.

Greg: Thank you.

Sterne: In the event you win the 1st prize, how do you plan to divide the $100?

Jan: Well, the first $56 goes to the man at the department store.

Sterne: Well, that’s a pretty big cut for a guy who didn’t even sing.

(He laughs.)

Jan: Well, you see, we bought a silver platter for our Mom and Dad’s anniversary.

Bobby: And she thought it was 85 cents for the whole engraving, but actually it was 85 cents for each letter.

Cindy: And we can’t get the platter because we’re broke.

Sterne: Well, good luck, kids.

Kids: Thanks.

(They leave the stage.)

Sterne: The Silver Platters, folks. Well, then, let’s see how they did on the old applause meter. Just a moment here while I check the figures.

Alice: Well, they just got to win, it’d be a shame if they can’t give you your gift.

Carol: Alice, we just got our gift.

Mike: We sure have, honey.

Sterne (announcing): Well, starting with third prize, this beautiful plaque goes to the Silver Platters.

Alice (disappointed): Third prize! We were gypped. (She turns the television off) Last time I’ll ever watch that crooked channel.

(The kids come out to take the platter.)

Sterne: There you are, kids. As you can see, there’s plenty of room on there. We’ll have all your names engraved on there.

Marcia: Engraved?

Cindy: How much do you charge a letter?

Sterne (laughing): Let’s give them another big hand, shall we folks?(The audience applauds) Than k you very much.

(The kids return home and find Mike and Carol waiting for them in the living room.)

Greg: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Carol: Hi, kids.

Mike: Hi, there.

(They try to walk by them.)

Carol: Hey, wait a minute. How was the football game? Did you win?

Bobby: We came in third.

Mike: Third? That must have been some football game.

Jan: We might as well tell them. We weren’t at a football game. You see, we wanted to get you a present for your anniversary. Something really special, but, I goofed.

Mike: Something special, huh, you mean (He pulls the platter out form under the table) Something like this?

(The kids all get pleasantly surprised about the platter and question how they got it.)

Carol: Well, your friend Alfie called today about you breaking your date with him. So we kept it for you.

(The kids all got further surprised about the parents purchasing it themselves.)

Mike: We thought it was the least we can do after that fine performance you gave.

(The kids were excited they saw the show.)

Carol: And you were all just terrific.

Marcia: But we didn’t win the $100.

Bobby: Patty’s Prancing Poodles won.

Greg: We lost to a dog’s act.

Cindy: I bet we could’ve won if we did what they did.

Mike: Yeah, what was that?

Bobby: Sat up and begged the audience for applause.

(He gives a demonstration while the others laugh. the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Bobby and Cindy coming into the den to speak to Mike.)

Bobby: Dad, we just wanted to thank you for paying for our present to you and Mom.

Mike: I didn’t. You guys paid for the platter.

Cindy: Yeah, but you paid for the engraving.

Bobby: And we’re gonna pay you back.

Mike: Well, we’ll talk about it another time, okay.

Bobby: Really, Dad, we are.

Cindy: Maybe this afternoon.

Mike: How are you gonna raise $56 by this afternoon.

Cindy: We got a plan.

Bobby: Mmm hmm, you see, remember when you told us about banks and getting loans?

Mike: Yeah.

Bobby: Well, we wnet to the bank and tried it.

Mike (laughing): You tried to get a loan?

Bobby: Yeah, but we couldn’t. Because we didn’t have any collateral.

Cindy: But we do now.

Mike: What’s the collateral?

Bobby: The silver platter we gave you and Mom.

(Mike laughs and they leave the den.)


S4 E15 Greg Gets Grounded

Greg Gets Grounded

Written by Elroy Schwartz

Greg gets grounded for almost causing a car accident. I hope you enjoy the script.











RACHEL, Greg’s date

MRS. JENNY THOMPSON, a friend of Carol’s

(The episode begins with Greg and bobby getting out of the car. bobby has a box with him.)

Bobby: Thanks for taking me to get Spunker (his new frog)

Greg: That’s okay, Bobby.

(The frog croaks.)

Bobby: He costs $2.00, but he’s worth it.

Greg: That’s a pretty expensive frog.

Bobby: Yeah, he’s a guaranteed jumper.

Greg: For 2 bucks, you ought to get a pole vaulter.

Bobby: What’s 2 bucks if he wins the contest, first prize is $25.00.

Greg: You’ll be loaded.

Bobby: Yeah, Greg, you’re gonna drive me and Spunker to the frog jumping contest next Saturday, aren’t you?

Greg: Sure, I wouldn’t miss it. But if you win that $25.00, you and Spunker pay for the gas.

(He opens the door and lets Bobby in first. Next, Bobby comes into the den to show his parents the frog, with Greg following.)

Bobby (excited): Mom, Dad. look. Look what I got for the frog jumping contest.

Mike: Hmm.

Bobby: He cost $2.00 and I named him Spunker.

Mike: Say, he looks like a champ to me.

Carol: Yeah, and very handsome, for a frog.

Bobby: I wouldn’t have been able to get him if it wasn’t for Greg. He drove me down to the pet store.

Greg: That’s okay, Bob.

Bobby: And boy, is Greg ever a great driver. We just missed getting to an accident.

(Mike and Carol get shocked.)

Carol: What happened?

Greg: Uh, nothing really.

Bobby: What do you mean nothing? Greg was great. You see, there was this great big truck in front of us, and Greg slammed on the breaks, and we skidded right in between the big truck an dthe freeway fence.

Mike: Did he cut you off, Greg?

Greg: No, sir.

Carol: Were you driving too fast?

Greg: No.

Mike (disbelieving): Well, you must have been if you couldn’t stop in time.

Bobby: Honest, Dad, he wasn’t driving too fast. He just bought a new record album. He was looking at the back cover.

Carol (upset): While you were driving?

Greg: Bobby, I only glanced at it!

Mike (angry): On the freeway?

Greg (protesting): Dad, nothing happened. I didn’t even scratch the car.

(Bobby starts to leave.)

Carol: Greg, weren’t we talking to you just last week about paying attention while you drive?

Mike: I think you better spend a little time thinking about your driving habits while you don’t use the car for a week!

Greg (upset): A week? Dad, that’s not fair!

Mike: Well, it’s a lot fairer than not using it for two weeks.

Greg (protesting): But, Dad, it wasn’t a…

Mike: You want to try for three.

(Greg storms out of the den and the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Bobby trying to get his frog to jump.)

Bobby: Come on, Spunker, just jump, jump, just a little, a little jump.

Peter: Hi. Where did you get the frog? Burke’s pond?

Bobby: No, I bought him at the pet store.

Peter: The pet store? There’s hundreds of them at Burke’s pond.

Bobby: But this one’s a special frog.

(Greg comes by on his bike.)

Peter (to Greg): Hi.

Greg: Hi. (to Bobby) Hi. Thanks for opening your big mouth. (sarcastically) Now I get to ride my bike instead of drive the car.

Peter: What happened?

Greg: I’m grounded for a whole week because of him.

Bobby: I was just telling Mom and Dad what a great driver you are.

Greg: How old are you?

Bobby: 11.

Greg: It’s amazing.

Bobby: What is?

Greg: How somebody can get so stupid in such a short time.

(He walks away.)

Bobby: He won’t think I’m so stupid when Spunker wins.

Peter: Wins what?

Bobby: The pet store’s having a frog jumping contest.

Peter: You mean like the one we saw in the paper, at Caravels County?

Bobby: yeah, the first prize is $25.00.

Peter: $25.00, wow! Can anybody enter the contest?

Bobby: No, it’s just for frogs.

Peter: Very funny.

(He gets up.)

Bobby: Where are you going?

Peter: Down to Burke’s pond, I’m getting in that contest.

Bobby: You’ll just get a plain old frog down there, not a thoroughbred like Spunker, right Spunker?

(Spunker croaks. Greg is inside talking on the telephone.)

Greg: Scott, no, I struck out. I had to ride my bike all the way down to the music store and they’re sold out. Every store is sold out. The only way to get tickets to the rock concert now is to drive all the way down to the stadium. Me, no, I can’t. I can’t use the car. Can’t you get them? Well, I promised Rachel I’d take her to the concert and I got to get tickets. Well, hey, maybe Howie Marshall could use his car. Okay, I’ll find out. Good-bye.

(He makes another call. Meanwhile, Peter is outside with his frog. Jan and Cindy come outside.)

Jan: is that Bobby’s frog?

Peter: No, he’s mine. I got him at Burke’s pond.

Cindy: What’s his name?

Peter: So far I’m just calling him frog.

Cindy: That’s a dumb name.

Peter: Well, it’s better than calling him dog.

Cindy: Why don’t you call him Croaker.

Peter: Croaker, yeah, Old Croaker, good idea. How do you like your new name, Old Croaker. (the frog croaks) He likes it. I gotta get some leaves for his house. Here, hold him.

Cindy: Not me.

Jan: Me either, he’s all slimy.

(They back away and leave.)

Peter: Girls! (He puts the frog down and his hat over him) that’ll hold you for a minute. (He goes to collect the leaves and it starts to hop. Alice comes out and is surprised to see Peter’s hat moving.)

Alice: Hey, Peter.

Peter: Yeah.

Alice: Did you see that?

Peter: See what?

(The frog stays in the same position.)

Alice: never mind.

(She continues to walk and notices the frog moving more. She goes over to investigate while Peter laughs. She gets frightened when she lifts the hat and sees the frog. Peter laughs.)

(Greg is outside Mike’s den waiting for him.)

Mike: hello, Greg.

Greg: Hi, Dad Did you finish your plans?

Mike: Yeah, I did, finally.

Greg: Good, can I see them?

Mike: the plans?

Greg: Sure, if you don’t mind. (Mike hands them to him and he checks them over) Terrific, probably the best plans you’ve ever done, huh.

Mike: Thank you.

Greg; By the way, Dad.

Mike: No.

Greg: Please, just this one exception. There’s no way I can get tickets without driving the car.

Mike: Greg, when I said you were grounded, I meant it.

Greg: But the tickets will all be gone in a couple of hours. Dad, I’ll drive straight there an dI’ll come straight right back home.

Mike (sternly): You can not drive the car for one week. Period.

(He goes upstairs Greg gets on the phone.)

Greg: George, hi, Greg Brady. Hey, I haven’t talked to you in a long time. Listen, uh, pal, you’re my last chance to get tickets to the rock concert Saturday night. If you’re not doing anything, how about coming over and picking me up and we’ll go down to get them (Pause) Oh, I didn’t know you were sick. No, I can’t use our car for about a week.

(Next, Bobby is trying to get his frog to eat a fly.)

Bobby: Come on, Spunker, get up, jump, go for it.

(Carol and Marcia come out.)

Carol: Honey, I’ll pick you up at the library as soon as I finish my marketing, okay.

Marcia: Take your time, Mom, I got pleanty of reading to do.

(They notice Bobby and the frog.)

Bobby: Come on, jump for it, boy.

Carol: Bobby, what are you doing?

Bobby: I’m trying to make Spunker jump for this fly.

Marcia: That’s silly.

Bobby: Oh yeah. (He flings it her way and he backs away) See, it made you jump.

(Carol picks it up.)

Carol: Oh, it’s not a real fly, Marcia. it’s just apiece of knotted thread.

Bobby: Spunker’s smarter than you are, you jumped and he didn’t.

Marcia: Brothers.

(Cut to the supermarket, where Carol sees Jenny Thompson, George’s mother.)

Jenny: Hi, Carol.

Carol: Oh, hi, Jenny

Jenny: You look like you’re gonna feed an army.

Carol: Well, with six kids I’ve got an army.

Jenny: Well, if you need a lift home, I’ll be happy to drop you off.

Carol: No thanks. I got my car.

Jenny: That’s funny.

Carol: What’s funny?

Jenny: I thought yours was still at the mechanics.

Carol: the mechanics? What on earth made you think that ?

Jenny: Well, when Greg came over to borrow George’s car, I just assumed something was wrong with yours.

Carol: Greg borrowed George’s car?

Jenny: To go out to the stadium to pick up tickets to some rock concert.

(Back at home, Carol is telling mike what was said.)

Carol: Jenny said he borrowed George’s car. Now if he didn’t, why would she say it.

Mike: Honey, I can’t believe that Greg would deliberately disobey us.

(Greg comes into the den.)

Greg: Dad, Jan said you wanted to see me.

Mike: Yeah, I do. Greg, did you get tickets to the rock concert?

Greg: Yes.

Mike: Did you drive George’s car to the stadium?

Carol: I met Mrs. Thompson at the market. She mentioned it.

Greg: Yeah, I drove George’s car.

Mike: After you were told not to drive.

Greg; You didn’t tell me not to drive.

Mike: Yes, I did.

Greg: You said not to use our car.

Carol: Greg, we told you not to drive.

Greg: Our car. You didn’t say I couldn’t drive any car.

Mike: But you new what we meant. You were grounded, right.

Greg: You said not to use our car for a week and I haven’t used it.

Carol: Oh, Greg, that’s walking a pretty fine line. Are you trying to say you didn’t understand what we meant? No driving?

Greg: I just know what you told me, and that was not to drive our car.

Mike: Okay, Greg, okay, let’s make no mistake about this. Except for school, you are not to leave this house for the next 10 days.

Greg (angry): 10 days! I’ll miss the rock concert, you can’t mean that!

Mike: Yes, I can, and I do. (Greg is about to protest) And I don’t want to hear another word about it.

(Greg walks out of the den, totally frustrated. the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Greg in bed, with Peter and Bobby sound asleep. Mike is in his room exercising, with Carol watching. He is finishing doing 50 knee bends.)

Carol: Keep it up, honey, 50 of those a day will keep you plenty healthy.

Mike (finishing): Staying healthy is gonna kill me.

(They hear a knock on the door.)

Carol: Yes.

Greg: It’s Greg.

Carol: Come in.

Greg: Mom, Dad, you always you’d listen to me if I had something to say.

Mike: That’s right.

Greg: I have something to say. I think it’s unfair for you to ground me when I didn’t disobey you.

Carol: Oh, Greg, haven’t we been through all that?

Greg: You said you’d listen to what I had to say.

Carol: Right. Go ahead.

Greg: If you had said not to drive for a week, it would’ve meant any car.

Mike: You knew that’s what we meant.

Greg: That’s not what you said. You said not to drive our car.

Mike: Are you telling us it would’ve made any difference?

Greg: It would’ve made it perfectly clear, yes.

Carol: In other words, the misunderstanding was our fault.

Greg: No, it wasn’t your fault. It’s just that I wish you would’ve used more exact words.

Carol: Is that what you’d like form now on, exact words?

Greg: Sure, then there’s no communication gap.

Mike: Are you prepared to live by the same rules?

Greg: Absolutely.

Mike: All right. Your mother and I believe that you knew precisely what we meant. But if you want to live by exact words, okay.

Greg: Then I’m not grounded for the next 10 days?

Mike: No, well, you still got four days to go for that freeway incident.

Greg: Okay, when I won’t miss the concert. (He turns around to leave) good night.

Carol: Good night. (He leaves the room) I’m not sure we should’ve let him get away with that.

Mike: I don’t think we’re letting him get away with it, because exact words are pretty hard to live by.

(The next scene has the other kids in the backyard for a pre-contest with the frogs.)

Peter: Okay, Old Croaker, this is just a warm-up for the big event. Show him you’re the best frog.

Cindy: Come on, Old Croaker, you can do it.

Bobby: Remember, Spunker, you’re a thoroughbred, you can take him easy.

Peter: Are you ready, Bobby?

Bobby: Yeah, I’m ready.

(They set the frogs down on a tarp.)

Peter: The first one to jump off the tarp’s the winner.

Bobby: Okay, on your mark, get set, go.

(Peter and Cindy are cheering for Old Croaker while Bobby has Marcia and Jan routing for Spunker. Old Croaker easily wins, as Spunker doesn’t move.)

Peter: Ay.

Cindy: At a boy, Old Croaker.

Peter: Come on, let’s give him a treat.

(bobby goes to pick up Spunker.)

Bobby: Spunker, Spunker, what’s the matter? You okay, Spunker? Spunker? he looks sick.

Jan: Maybe he ate a bad fly or something.

Bobby: What if he doesn’t feel like jumping tomorrow? Here, one of you hold him.

(He tries handing it to Marcia but she screams.)

Bobby: Spunker? 9to Jan) You hold him.

Jan: Where are you going?

Bobby: Down to Burke’s pond. I’m gonna get a plain old frog, a mutt.

Marcia: I think we just became frog-sitters

(She laughs and Jan puts it in her face. Marcia screams again.)

(That evening, Greg comes into Mike’s den.)

Greg: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Oh, hi, Greg. I didn’t hear you come in. How long have you been home?

Greg: About fifteen minutes. I said I’d be home and ready for bed by 11. My exact words.

Mike: Your exact words.

Greg: Right. Well, good night.

Mike: Good night. Oh, Greg.

Greg (stopping): Yes.

Mike: Did you get around to washing your Mom’s car today?

Greg: Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot. I’ll do it tomorrow.

Mike: You said you’d do it today.

Greg: Yeah, I did, but…

Mike: Were those your exact words?

Greg: My exact words.

(We next see Greg outside washing the car. He accidentally squirts the hos eon himself before hosing down the car. He goes upstairs and knocks on his parents’ door.)

Carol: Come in.

Greg: Mom, where’s Dad?

Carol: Taking his shower.

Greg; I had one too. Tell him I finished washing the car. I lived up to my exact words.

Carol: I certainly will.

Greg: Good night.

Carol: Oh, just a minute, Marcia told me you were changing chores with her this week.

Greg: Yeah, I was late to ball practice the other day. She took out the trash. I said I’d do her next chore.

Carol: Good, hers was tonight.

Greg: Tonight?

Carol: Tonight. (She looks at her watch) And tonight has exactly 15 minutes left.

(Greg is downstairs washing dishes and again squirts himself. Cut to outside where Peter is with his frog and Bobby has a bunch of frogs he got from Burke’s pond.)

Bobby: I can’t remember which one’s Herman. Now, you’re Flash. No, you’re Flash.

Peter: I thought you were gonna get one frog, not drain the pond dry.

Bobby: I gotta find Herman, he’s my best jumper. They all look alike.

Peter; Not to another frog they don’t.

Bobby: Very funny.

Peter: Hey look, why don’t you put them all on a line and the one who jumps the farthest has got to be Herman.

Bobby: Hey yeah, that’s a great idea. You’re a lot smarter than you look. (A frog tries to get away) Hey, come back here. Come on, help me, come on, Peter. Put them all down (One of the frogs jumps far) That must be Herman.

(Next, Greg is on the phone with Rachel.)

Greg: Yeah, it’s gonna be a great concert, Rachel. yeah, I’ll pick you up at seven. Right, good-bye.

(He hangs up and Bobby and Peter come out.)

Bobby: Greg, can we leave at 7 tonight?

Greg: Can we leave at 7?

Peter: Yeah, that’ll give us plenty of time. The contest starts at 8.

Greg: The contest?

Bobby: Yeah, the big frog jumping contest. You said you’d take us.

Greg: Sorry, you guys, no way.

Peter: What do you mean, no way?

Greg: No way. I got a date tonight with Rachel for the contest.

Bobby: But you promised.

Greg: But that was before the concert came up. You guys better make some other plans.

(Next, Mike and Carol are chastising Greg.)

Mike: Did you say you’d take them, Greg?

Greg; Well, yes. But that was before I knew about the concert.

Carol: Did you put any conditions on your promise, like, unless something else comes up?

Bobby: No, he didn’t.

(Greg looks at him annoyed.)

Greg: No, I didn’t. But that’s what I meant.

Mike: We’re not talking about what you meant. We’re talking about your exact words. Remember?

Greg: Couldn’t you take Peter and Bobby tonight?

Carol: We have a dinner date.

Mike: We might be able to change it but we’re not going to.

(Peter and Bobby smirk at Greg.)

Greg: Why not?

Carol: Because you wanted to live by exact words.

Greg (annoyed): Well, that’s great. What am I gonna tell Rachel?

Peter: tell her there’s a big frog jumping contest.

(Greg gives him a menacing look. Later, he is on the phone with Rachel.)

Greg: Rachel, I hate to tell you this, but I can’t take you to the concert tonight.

Rachel: Oh no, why not?

Greg: Well, it’s kind of a long story, but I have to take my brothers to a frog jumping contest.

Rachel: A frog jumping contest?

Greg: There’s no way out, honest. I can’t blame you for being angry.

Rachel: things can come up, and I understand that.

Greg: You mean you’re not sore at me? After all, I did promise to take you to the contest.

Rachel: I know, and I’m sorry about that. Maybe we can go to a movie after that frog jumping contest.

Greg: Rachel, you are the grooviest, greatest most understanding person in the whole world.

Rachel: Does that mean yes or no to a movie?

Greg (laughing): I’ll pick you up at 9:30. Good-bye.

Rachel; Bye.

(We next see Greg bringing Peter and Bobby home from the contest.)

Greg: Listen, you guys, I still have to pick up Rachel and get to that movie.

Peter: Okay.

Bobby: Thanks for taking us, Greg.

Peter: Even though mine came in 35th.

Bobby: Mine came in 49th. My frog sure bombed out.

Peter: Yeah. (He suddenly realizes) The frogs! We left them in the car.

(They chase and try to scream for Greg, but they’re too late) Bet you nobody else ever went to a drive-in movie with a bunch of frogs.

(later on, Greg and Rachel are at the movies. Greg comes back from the concession with a pizza, popcorn and some drinks.)

Greg: Sorry I took so long, there’s really a line at the snack bar.

Rachel: The pizza smells fantastic.

Greg: Yeah. (He hands her the pizza and popcorn, then he gets in the car. Meanwhile, the box the frogs are in starts to open.) I still feel bad about the concert. Maybe some other time.

Rachel: Sure, but I was really looking forward to being with you. More than anything else.

Greg: Same with me. Last time we came to a drive-in I had to bring my kid brother. remember?

Rachel: How can I forget?

Greg: What a pest. (One of the frogs gets out and another one is getting ready to) This time we’re alone, all alone.

(He moves closer and starts to put his arm around her. Suddenly, a frog jumps on Rachel’s head. It croaks and Rachel gets upset.)

Greg: Oh, no, my brother’s frogs. Oh, Rachel, I’m sorry. Here. (He removes it but another frog jumps in the popcorn.) let’s get him out of here, he’s crawling down behind the skin, can you get it? (Another frog jumps right on top of the pizza) Oh, that does it. I don’t think we’ll be eating this tonight. (He removes the frog) and he wa sin 34th place, too.

(They laugh. Next, Carol laughs in her room about it after Greg tells the parents about his night.)

Carol: You may have invented a whole new dish. Pepperoni frog pizza.

Greg: The eating would’ve been a complete wipeout if Rachel hadn’t been such a good sport.

Mike: Yeah, none of it would’ve happened except for your exact words.

Greg: Say, suppose we can forget about that.

Mike: That’s a deal.

(They shake hands.)

Greg: Good night, Dad.

Carol: Good night, honey.

Mike: Good night. (Greg leaves) Let’s get some sleep, honey, I got to get up early. (They turn the lights out and Carol pretends to fall asleep) Hey, don’t I get a good night kiss?

Carol: You didn’t say anything about a good night kiss. No, you just said you needed to get some sleep, those were your exact words.

Mike: Oh, yeah, but that’s not what I meant.

Carol: Oh, well, go ahead.

(She puckers up)

Mike: On the other hand, those were my exact words.

(He lays down to go to sleep.)

Carol: Oh, Mike, come on, come on, give me a kiss.

Mike: I’ll give you a kiss.

(He rises and they kiss. the scene fades.)

NOTE: This was the only episode besides The Honeymoon that didn’t include a tag.

S4 E14 Law And Disorder

Law and Disorder

Written by Elroy Schwartz

Bobby becomes a hall monitor at school and lets it go to his head. I hope you enjoy the script.











STEVE, a kid in Bobby’s class

A girl Bobby talks to

A boy Bobby talks to

JILL, a girl in Bobby’s class

(The episode begins at Bobby’s school. It is the end of the school day and he goes over to some classmates.)

Bobby: Hey, Steve. (Steve and the other guys walk away) Listen you guys, I…

(He sees a couple of other classmates.)

Bobby: Hi. (They walk away from him as well) Come on, you guys, it isn’t my fault.

(He sees a couple of girls in his class walking down the stairs.)

Bobby: Hi, I’ll walk home with you.

(They also shun him. Cindy comes down the stairs.)

Cindy: Bobby.

Bobby: Hi, Cindy.

(She notices how glum he is.)

Cindy: What’s wrong?

Bobby: What’s wrong, everything’s wrong.

Cindy; what do you mean?

Bobby: My whole class hates me.

(He walks home and Cindy follows. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Greg pumping gas into a bike. Mike comes home.)

NOTE: Barry Williams (Greg) was high on marijuana as he was unexpectedly called in to shoot this scene.

(Greg notices a boat Mike has on top of the car. He waves to Mike and Carol comes out, noticing the boat as well.)

Greg: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hi.

Greg: Uh, you didn’t say anything about getting a boat.

Mike: Well, I didn’t know I was going to.

Carol: Hey, honey, where did you get that?

Mike: I delivered my plans of the Marina edition to Joe Houston. Well, he was about to commit this thing to the junkyard. I thought, you know, with a little work, we can fix it up.

Greg: Far out.

Carol: It doesn’t look very sea worthy.

Mike: Ah.

Carol: As a matter of fact, it doesn’t look very bathtub worthy.

(Cindy comes home and notices the boat.)

Cindy: Wow, a boat. (She comes running up) Is it ours?

Carol: I’m afraid so, sweetie.

Cindy; When do we go sailing?

Mike: As soon as we’re sure we’re not gonna go sinking.

(Bobby comes home.)

Greg: Hey, look what we got, Bobby.

(Bobby walks by with no enthusiasm.)

Mike: Where are you going?

Bobby: Up to my room.

Mike: Gee, that’s not like Bobby.

Mike: I thought he’d be more excited than anyone.

Cindy: I think Bobby has a problem.

Carol: A problem? Did something happen at school today.

Cindy: It must have.

Mike: Why?

Cindy: Bobby said his whole class hates him.

(Cut to upstairs, where Bobby looks himself in the mirror.)

Bobby: I hate you too.

(He sticks his tongue out at his reflection. He sits down and begins to sulk. Mike and Carol come in.)

Carol: Mind if we come in?

(They enter the room and sit down.)

Carol: My goodness, Bobby, you look like the world has come to an end.

Bobby: That would be good.

Mike: Bad as all that?

(Bobby nods. Carol taps him.)

Carol: Want to talk about it?

Bobby: There’s nothing you can do. There’s nothing anybody can do.

Mike: Well, let’s see. Come on, you tell us about it.

(He takes an armband out of his book, with SM written on it.)

Carol: So.

Bobby: Don’t you know what it is?

Carol: Sure, it’s an armband. School safety monitor.

Bobby: Safety monitor? SM should stand for snitch monitor.

Mike: Well, what’s that supposed to mean?

Bobby: It means I have to fink on all my friends.

Carol: That’s not finking, Bobby. If the kids at school break a rule, it’s the safety monitor’s job to report them.

Bobby: Some job. When the teacher asked for a volunteer, not one kid in the class raised his hand. Not one kid. So she made me the safety, the class cop.

Mike: Did you ever stop to think that she might have picked you out because she thought you were responsible enough to do a good job?

Bobby: What do you mean?

Mike: Well, take police for instance. You know, it isn’t part of their job to like arresting people. They share a responsibility to enforce the rules.

Carol: And rules are very important, Bobby. They’re made to protect people.

Bobby: I never thought of it that way.

Carol: And you’ll be a great safety monitor, Bobby, if you try.

Bobby: You think so.

Mike: Why, we bet on it.

(Cut to that evening, when Carol comes in the boys’ room to make sure they are asleep. She notices Bobby in bed with a flashlight, while under the covers.)

Carol: What are you doing?

Bobby: Studying the rules. If I’m gonna be a safety monitor, I’m gonna be the best one the school ever had.

Carol: Well, it’s past your bedtime, so just a few more minutes, okay?

Bobby: Okay. (Carol gets up to leave) Oh, wow!

Carol: What’s the matter?

Bobby: I didn’t know chewing gum was against the rules. I’ve been illegal all term.

(Carol puts the covers over his head and a playful push to his head. Next, Bobby is at school monitoring the hallway when he sees a kid chewing gum.)

Bobby: Hey.

Steve: Yeah.

Bobby: You’re chewing gum.

Steve: So.

(Bobby shows him his armband.)

Bobby: Regulations 16 A say you’re not allowed to chew gum in classrooms or hallways. This is my post, no gum.

Steve: Who’s chewing gum?

(He swallows it.)

Bobby: Hey wait, you’re trying to swallow the evidence.

Steve: I just did, yeah.

Bobby: Won’t do any good.

(Steve starts to cackle.)

Bobby: I’m not a chicken. I’m just doing my job. How do you spell your name? Last name first.

(Next, we see two girls talking. One throws a piece of paper away but misses.)

Girl (to her friend): Well, she’s, you know, every time we go someplace, she always gets carsick and I have to give her this…

(Bobby approaches her.)

Bobby: What’s your name?

Girl: Why?

(He shows her his armband and points to the paper she tried to throw away.)

Bobby: You just littered.

Girl: I tried to get it in the waste can.

Bobby: That’s what they all say. Name please, last name first.

(Next, Bobby sees a few guys horsing around in the hallway.)

Bobby: Okay, everybody hold it. Right there, hold it. (They stop) There is to be no disorderly conduct in the halls. Especially at my post.

Boy: We were only trying to help him carry his books.

Bobby: That’s your story.

Boy: I know, last name first.

(Cut to the backyard, where Greg, Peter, Marcia and Jan are sandpapering the boat an depressing their joy of owning a boat.)

Peter: Boy, this is what I always wanted. A boat.

Greg: Me too. Give me a boat and a moonlit night and I’m all set.

Peter: Haven’t you forgot something?

Greg: What?

Peter: The girl.

Greg: Oh, she’s there, little brother. She’s there.

( mike comes to join them.)

Mike: Ahoy there. (The kids say hi) Okay kids, if we’re gonna go sailing, we’ll have to learn a little something about it.

Peter: With a boat his size, there really isn’t much to learn, is there?

Mike: Oh yeah, if you want to do it safely, there’s a lot more than you think. For instance, which side is port and which side is starboard.

Greg: The left side is port.

Mike: Right, yeah.

Jan: I know which side is starboard. (Mike looks at her) The right one.

Mike: yeah, right.

Jan: well, I couldn’t miss.

(They all laugh.)

Mike: Okay, when two boats meet, who has the right of way.

Peter: The biggest boat.

Mike: Oh no no, the boat on the right, just the same as the rules of the road.

Jan: Yeah, but what if they’re coming straight at each other?

Mike: Then we’re back to the biggest boat.

(Cindy comes to join them.)

Cindy: What are we doing?

Mike: Hi, Cindy, well, we’re learning a little about sailing.

Cindy: can I learn too?

Mike: Why, sure. Where’s Bobby?

Cindy: He’s still busy at school.

Greg: What’s he doing?

Cindy: He stopped seven kids from running down the stairs, and he was still trying to get their names when I left.

Mike: He’s really serious about being a long arm of the law.

(The next day at school, Bobby gets a drink from the water fountain. he catches Cindy and two of her friends running down the hall and chases them.)

Bobby: Hey wait, stop!

Cindy: It’s okay, he’s my brother. Come on.

Bobby: Cindy!

(He starts writing her name.)

Cindy: What are you doing?

Bobby: What does it look like I’m doing? (to the other girls) I know her name, what’s yours? last name first.

Cindy: Bobby, you can’t turn me in, I’m your own sister.

Bobby: Watch it, I can also cite you for arguing with a safety monitor.

(Back at home, Alice is slicing fruit while Bobby is enjoying a snack at the table. She gives him a napkin.)

Alice: neatness counts.

Bobby: Thanks, Alice.

(Cindy comes home in an angry mood. She gets a piece of cheese from the refrigerator and gives it to Bobby.)

Cindy: Here!

Bobby: What’s the cheese for?

Cindy: For you, all rats eat cheese!

(Alice goes to sit down with Bobby.)

Alice: What was that all about?

Bobby: Oh, she’s just sore because I was doing my duty. I had to turn her name in because she was running in the hall.

Alice: Oh, is that why she had to stay after school because you reported her?

Bobby: Yeah, she was running in the hall. When you break a rule, you have to get punished.

Alice: Well, I’ll keep it down to a slow walk in the kitchen.

(Later, Cindy complains to Carol.)

Cindy: He wrote down the names, even mine.

Carol: But that’s his job, sweetheart.

Cindy: Yes, but I’m his very own sister.

Carol: Well, that doesn’t give you any special privileges. Same rules apply to you that apply to everybody else.

Cindy: I don’t see why they should.

Carol: I’ll try to explain it to you this way, let’s say Bobby was a police officer, and I drove through a red light, accidentally, of course. Well, I would expect him to give me a ticket.

Cindy: Your own son?

Carol: Absolutely.

Cindy: Boy, if I ever had a son who was a policeman, and he gave me a ticket, I’d give him a spanking.

(Bobby comes in and she walks away.)

Bobby (to Carol): I guess she was complaining about me.

Carol: You guessed right.

Bobby: And I guess you too her side.

Carol: You guessed wrong.

Bobby (surprised): You didn’t?

Carol: No, well Cindy didn’t like it but you were just doing your duty, honey.

Bobby: I’m glad you understand, Mom.

Carol: Oh, I do, I do. look, being in a position of authority isn’t easy.

Bobby: Right. Thanks, Mom. It’s kind of tough being a lawman. it’s a big responsibility.

Carol: oh, I know, officer. (She salutes him and he leaves. to herself) I wonder if he really would give me a ticket.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Jan in her room reading. There is a knock on the door.)

Jan: Come in.

(Bobby comes in to see her.)

Bobby: Jan, I got to talk to you about something.

Jan: Can’t it wait? I’m awful busy.

Bobby: I just saw Alice setting the table.

Jan: So.

Bobby: It’s your turn to set the table tonight.

Jan: What business is that of yours?

Bobby: Mom and Dad told us not to go pushing our chores on Alice.

Jan: Now, look Bobby, I….

Bobby: You’re breaking a rule. People can’t just go around breaking rules.

Jan: Bobby, you’re a safety at school, not at home.

Bobby: A rule is a rule, at school or at home. You’re gonna be on my report.

Jan: What report?

Bobby: I’m turning in a report to Mom and Dad at the end of the week.

Jan; Well, I got a very good reason for not setting the table.

Bobby: And I got a very good reason for reporting you. You broke a rule. See you later.

(He leaves and Jan sticks her tongue out at him.)

(later that night, Bobby and Peter are sleeping in their room and Greg comes in. Bobby wakes up and turns his flashlight on him, then on the clock.)

Bobby: You were supposed to be in by 11:30.

Greg: Sorry I woke you, Bobby.

Bobby: You’re 25 minutes late.

Greg: Go back to sleep.

Bobby: I have to tell Mom and Dad.

Greg: Huh?

Bobby: You’re gonna be on my report at the end of the week.

Greg: What report?

Bobby: You broke a rule. You came in late.

Greg (taking hos coat off): Listen, I have a very good reason for being late.

Bobby: That’s what they all say.

(He goes back to sleep.)

Greg (to himself): How could they cram 10 feet of nerve into a 4 footed kid?

(The next scene has Greg and Marcia painting the boat. They are replacing the psychedelic style she and Jan made into one solid color.)

Marcia: You know, I thought I’d love the way Jana nd I painted the boat.

Greg: Boats are supposed to be one color, you wanna scare the fish to death?

Marcia: okay, so we goofed.

Greg: Listen, you’re lucky you’re not on Bobby’s report.

Marcia: yeah, do you believe that report?

Greg: I have to, I’m on it.

Marcia: So Am I. (she hisses) Little stinker.

Greg: What are you on it for?

Marcia: Well, I’m not supposed to borrow any of Mom’s things unless I ask, and Bobby saw me borrowing a bracelet. You know, I think being a school safety’s gone right to his fat little head.

Greg: I’d like to give him a good kick right in his fat little, other end.

(Marcia laughs. Alice is in the kitchen figuring out how to cook something when Bobby comes in.)

Bobby: Alice, I just went by the trash can. You got some spray bottles and cans in with the other things.

Alice: So.

Bobby: They’re supposed to be kept separate. Sorry, but I’m gonna hafta put you on my report.

(He walks away.)

Alice: Report/

(She puts her hand on the blender, which has orange juice perking and it fizzles and spills.)

(The next day, Mike, Carol, Peter, Jan and Cindy are around the boat, where Mike puts S.S. Brady on it. They all applaud.)

Jan: S.S. Brady, boy,. does that look neat.

Mike: Mmm hmm.

Cindy: Who’s gonna be the captain.

Carol: Your father, of course.

Cindy (disappointed): What am I gonna be?

Peter: Probably seasick.

Jan: Hey, when can we go sailing, Dad?

Mike: Well, if we get the sail back that I ordered today, we ought to be able to put it in the water over the weekend.

(The kids get excited as Bobby comes out wearing a suit and tie.)

Bobby: Hey, that’s really great, Dad.

Carol: where are you going all dressed up?

Bobby: All us safeties have to go to school and get our picture taken.

(The other kids look on angrily.)

Carol: Well, just be careful and don’t get your good clothes dirty, all right.

Bobby: Don’t worry, I won’t. See you later.

Carol: Okay, honey, bye.

Jan: Dad, does he have to come with us when we launch the boat?

Carol: Now, that’s a silly question, of course he does.

Jan: Well, if he’s gonna go, I don’t really think I want to.

Peter: That goes double for me.

Cindy: Make that triple.

(They all start walking away.)

Mike: Hey, wait a minute, come back here. What is this? We haven’t launched the boat yet, we got a few days.

Carol: What’s going on here?

(They all protest at the same time about Bobby and his report. Cut to Bobby’s school where he and the other monitors leave after the picture and they all say in unison they’ll sea each other later. Bobby is walking home when Jill, a girl in his class, approaches him.)

Jill: Oh, Bobby, Bobby, oh, I’m glad to see you.

Bobby: Hi, Jill.

Jill: You got to help me, my cat’s stuck.

Bobby: Your cat?

Jill: Around the corner, she’s stuck in that old house they’re gonna tear down. I can’t get in, it’s all boarded up.

Bobby: Well, we can’t go in that old house. There’s a sign right out in the front that says no trespassing.

Jill (hysterical): Please, you got to get Pandora out for me!

Bobby: Gee, Jill, I’d like to help, but, it says keep out. A rule is a rule.

Jill (crying): What if Pandora’s hurt? you gotta help me! Please, you got to get Pandora out for me!

Bobby: Well, I know I’m not supposed to do this.

(She grabs Bobby’s arm and they go to the condemned building. Bobby pries a window open and leaps in and looks for Pandora.)

Bobby: Here, Pandora, come here, Pandora. (He hears the cat meowing from the chimney) Pandora, are you up there?

(The cat jumps down from the chimney. It spills plenty of dust on Bobby and his clothes, then jumps out the window.)

Jill: Thanks, Bobby.

(Bobby waves good-bye to her and she and the cat happily go home. Bobby notices his soiled clothes.)

Bobby: Mom and dad are gonna kill me.

9Bobby comes home and sheepishly calls to the parents.)

Bobby: Mom, Dad. (He notices a message on the board form Carol. it states that they’ll be home later and reminding him to do homework.)

Bobby: Wow, what lick, I still got a whole hour.

(Bobby puts his dirty clothes in the washer, while in his underwear. He then takes a whole box of detergent and pours it in with them. Then he goes upstairs and puts some clothes on. Meanwhile, the suds from the detergent are rising. Bobby is doing homework in his room while the suds are coming out from the washing machine to the floor. He checks the time and goes downstairs to check on the wash. he notices the suds have come from inside right outside the door.,)

Bobby: What! (He goes inside and finds the laundry room flooded with suds) Oh, no!

(Carol and Alice get out of the car from buying clothes.)

Alice: We went for a car sale.

Carol: here, let me help, Alice.

(She takes some stuff from Alice to carry inside.)

Carol: If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a last day, half-price, bargain sale.

Alice: Oh, me too. All that pushing, shoving and grabbing. I hope I didn’t hurt anybody.

(They come inside and notice Bobby forgot to shut the door.)

Carol: I have told those kids not to leave the door open.

(They come in the kitchen and Alice notices the suds.)

Alice (shocked): What on earth!

Carol: Oh, my goodness. Where are all those suds coming from?

Alice: Well, the washing machine must be on.

Carol: Well, Alice, did you leave it on automatic?

Alice: I wasn’t even using it today.

Carol: My goodness! (They come into the laundry room and notice the flood) Alice, the washing machine’s gone crazy!

Bobby: Mom! Mom!

Alice: Mrs. Brady, the suds are calling you.

Carol: Bobby?

Bobby: Yeah, it’s me!

Alice: Here he is.

Carol: What in the world happened, are you all right?

Bobby: I think so.

Carol: What were you doing?

Bobby: Washing my clothes.

Alice: You’re supposed to take your clothes off before you wash them!

(They both hug Bobby and hold him for dear life.)

Bobby: I’m sorry.

Carol and Alice: You should be.

(Next, Bobby is explaining his predicament to Mike and Carol.)

Bobby: I thought there wasn’t anybody home, I figured I could wash my good clothes and you’d never find out.

Mike: Well, what do you think? This calls for punishment, doesn’t it?

Bobby: I broke a rule, I have to get punished.

Carol: Well, not necessarily, Bobby.

Bobby: What do you mean?

Carol: Well, you did break a rule, but you saved the little girl’s cat, and that’s a good reason for breaking the rule.

Mike: Bob, we always have to have rules and laws, but we also have to use them with reason and justice.

Bobby: You mean, you’re not gonna punish me.

Mike: Not for this.

Bobby (excited): oh, wow, thanks.

(He starts to run but they stop him.)

Mike: Wait a minute, wait a minute, we’re not through yet, you know.

Bobby: What else is there?

Mike: i want to talk to you about that report you’re making up.

Bobby: What about it?

Carol: Listen, Bobby, other people have reasons for breaking rules too, you know.

Mike: Do you know why Greg was late getting home that night?

Bobby: No.

Mike: Because his date forgot her house key and her parents weren’t home. He didn’t want her waiting around the house, alone, at night.

Bobby: Gee, I guess that is a good reason for breaking the rule. But Greg never told me that.

Mike: Well, Greg says he tried to tell you that but he wouldn’t listen.

Carol: And, do you know the reason why Jan didn’t set the table that night?

Bobby: No.

Carol: She had to read a book for a test the next morning.

Mike: And, one more thing, being an authority at school doesn’t give you the same authority at home. You understand?

Bobby: Yes, sir.

Carol: From what we heard, you have become the most unwelcome young man at Clinton Avenue Elementary School.

Mike: Let alone at home.

Bobby: Well, I guess I was a little stinker, huh?

Carol: Well, i guess the name stinker fits pretty well.

Bobby: I guess I should apologize to them.

Mike: I think that would be a very good idea. Well, I hope you learned something from all this.

Bobby: Boy, I sure have. First, even if you have authority, you should listen to people. Second, you gotta use good justice and reason, like you said.

Mike: Good, anything else?

Bobby: Oh yeah, the most important thing of all.

Carol: What’s that?

Bobby: Never use a whole box of soap in the washing machine.

Carol (laughing): You can say that again.

(She messes his hair, then hugs him and the scene fades.)

(The final scene has the family about the launch the boat.)

Mike: Okay, everybody, we got to loosen the mast and tie it to the boat to the top of the car and we’re gonna put it in the water.

(Carol notices Bobby is missing.)

Carol: Hey, where’s Bobby.

Mike: I thought he was here.

(Bobby comes out wearing his pants from his suit, which were shrunk.)

Greg: where did you get those?

Jan: that’s tighter than your skin.

Bobby: Mom told me to wear something that it wouldn’t matter if they got dirty or wet.

Alice: Aren’t those his good pants?

Carol: Those were his good pants. Listen, Bobby, next time you wash something, will you check the label where it says dry clean only?

Mike: Okay, come on, everybody, we gotta take the mast on first. Everybody get in their positions. Brighten and loose the line there. Ready. 1,2,3.

(Bobby rips his pants while raising the mass.)

Bobby: Uh oh. (Mike starts to laugh) Excuse me. (He starts walking towards the house) I’ll be back in just a minute.

(Carol laughs.)

Cindy: What’s the matter with Bobby?

Mike: I think he’s got a split of midships.

Carol: And I’ll bet he has a draft aft.


S4 E13 Love And The Older Man

Love And The Older Man

Written by Sam Locke and Milton Pascal

Marcia has a crush on the family’s new dentist. Hope you enjoy the script.












MINISTER in Marcia’s dream

(The episode begins with Marcia riding home on her bicycle. She appears to be in a happy mood. She joyfully walks into the house. Alice and Carol are preparing dinner.)

Alice: Oh boy, that meatloaf does smell good.

Carol: Yeah, it’ll be just perfect for Marcia after her visit with the dentist.

Alice: Last time I went to the dentist, the only time I could chew was ice cream.

(Marcia comes in the house dazed. She goes into the refrigerator and grabs a glass.)

Carol: Marcia, are you all right?

Marcia (happy): Mmm hmmm.

Carol: Are you in pain?

Marcia: Pain?

(She pours milk into her glass.)

Carol: You did go to the dentist today, didn’t you?

Marcia (happy): Mmm hmm.

Alice: I don’t know what he gave her, but I’d like some.

Carol: Well, honey, what did Dr. Gordon say about your teeth?

Marcia: Dr. Gordon? Oh, he’s on vacation in Europe. I saw Dr. Vogel. (She goes in a trance) Dr. Stanley Vogel. Oh, you should see him. He is far out.

Carol (to Alice): Dr. Vogel must be Dr. Gordon’s new associate.

Marcia: Mmm hmm. He has dark, gorgeous hair, dreamy eyes, groovy bell-bottom pants, neat shoes and he plays the best rock and roll music in his office.

Alice: What does he use on your teeth, a guitar pick?

Carol: Well, what did Dr. Vogel say about your teeth?

Marcia: My teeth? Oh, he liked them.

Carol: Oh, that’s nice.

Marcia: Oh, and the best part’s Thursday!

Alice: What’s Thursday?

Marcia: I get to go back for my filling!

(Carol and Alice feign excitement.)

Carol: Boy, that Dr. Vogel sounds like the best thing that happened to dentistry since Novocain.

(They laugh and look up with wide eyes. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Marcia looking at her teeth in a hand mirror. Cindy looks on.)

Cindy: What are you staring at?

Marcia: My teeth.

Cindy: You’ve seen them before lots of times.

Marcia: I know, but they’re different now.

(Meanwhile, jan is reading a magazine.)

Jan: Hey, listen to this. (Marcia and Cindy come closer) Are you an old maid at 19?

Marcia: You and those teen time romance magazines.

Jan: Marcia, if I didn’t read this magazine, I wouldn’t understand life’s problems.

Cindy: I wish I was old enough to have problems.

Jan (reading): Listen, one way to achieve a successful marriage is for a girl to marry a man…

Cindy: Big deal, even I know that.

Jan: It’s continued, dum-dum (she turns the page) is to marry a man who is 10-12 years older than she is.

Marcia: Hey, that’s interesting. What else does it say?

Jan: Well, it says that an older man would be more stable, tender and understanding.

Marcia: Yeah, that makes sense.

Cindy (to Jan): maybe that’s why I like Joey Vinton. He’s an older man. (She turns to Marcia) He’s 12.

Marcia: Cindy, we’re not talking about children. We’re talking about men.

Jan: They leave out the most important thing. Where do you find older men?

Marcia: Well, I guess if you’re lucky enough, you can find one anywhere. (She gets up) Maybe even in a dentist’s office.

Cindy: You mean that new dentist, Dr. Vogel?

Jan: How old is he?

Marcia: I don’t know, 27 or 28.

Cindy: Gee, that’s old.

Jan: Hey, according to this article, he’d be perfect for you.

Marcia (suddenly annoyed): There’s only one problem. To him, I’m just a mouthful to teeth.

(The next scene has Mike coming home from work.)

Marcia (to Carol): Hi, honey.

Carol: Hi, dear.

(They hug.)

Mike: Say, something smells good.

Carol: Yeah, it’s my new perfume.

Mike: That’s funny because it smells like meat loaf.

Carol: Oh yes, its lips is in the living room but its heart is in the kitchen.

(She hugs him again.)

Mike: Ah, yeah, is anything new?

Carol: yeah, you got a call from Ms. Miller.

Mike: Ms. Miller?

Carol: Yes, she has a very throaty, sexy voice.

Mike: oh yeah, what did she say?

Carol: She said (she imitates the voice) Tell Mr. Brady he has an appointment, tomorrow (Mike laughs) with the dentist.

(She then makes a funny face at him.)

Mike: Oops, I forgot about that. (He scratches the side of his face) Gee, my teeth are starting to hurt already.

Carol: According to Marcia, you haven’t got a thing to worry about. The dentist is a dreamboat.

Mike: Oh yeah, since when is Dr. Gordon a dreamboat?

Carol: Oh no, it’s his assistant, Dr. Vogel. Marcia says (she imitates Marcia’s voice) when he looks at you with his big blue eyes, he’s painless.

Mike: Well, I hope his bill is painless.

(He takes her by the hand and they go to the kitchen. Cut to Dr. Vogel’s office, where Mike is in the dentist’s chair with Dr. Vogel, taking care of his teeth.)

Dr. Vogel: Well, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

Mike: Well, I wouldn’t say I exactly enjoyed it. I had a rougher time in the barber’s chair.

(He takes a sip of water and spits it out.)

Dr. Vogel: Well, I must be doing something right.

Mike: Well, my daughter thinks you’re quite the best.

Dr. Vogel: Well, thanks, she’s a sharp, nice young lady.

Mike: Yeah, she’s awarded you, you know, the generation, supreme compliment. You are groovy.

Dr. Vogel: Ah, I told you she was sharp. By the way, does she ever do any babysitting?

Mike: Yeah, sometimes, on the weekends.

Dr. Vogel: Good, my wife and I have a 3 year old and we need a sitter this Friday.

Mike: I’m sure she’d be happy to, if she’s available. Of course, you have to supply the essentials.

Dr. Vogel: The essentials?

Mike: A television set, a refrigerator and at least one telephone.

(They both laugh.)

Dr. Vogel: Okay.

(Back at home, Peter and Bobby are working on a go-cart. Greg comes over.)

Greg: Hey, it’s gonna be a neat looking go cart.

Peter: If we ever get it finished.

Greg: Where did you get the engine?

Peter: From Mr. Morton’s lawnmower.

Bobby: Isn’t it neat?

Greg: It’s terrific. So you guys could go for the ride and mow the streets at the same time.

Peter: Very funny.

Greg: I was only kidding. Can I give you a hand?

Peter: Sure.

Bobby: Thanks. We’ll give you a ride sometime.

Greg: Thanks, Bobby.

(Marcia comes by.)

Greg: Hey, Marcia. (She stops) I got a message for you from Eddie Bryan.

Marcia: What about?

Greg; He’s going bowling Friday night. He wants to take you.

Marcia (unenthusiastic): Well, I guess it’s okay.

Greg: What do you mean you guess it’s okay? Eddie Bryan.

Marcia: Well, if you ask me, he’s kind of immature.

Greg: what do you mean “immature”.

Marcia: Just what I said, he’s just a boy.

Greg: Marcia, what are you talking about? He’s the same age I am.

Marcia: That’s what I mean, immature.

(She walks off.)

Greg: Let’s get this thing finished so I could run her over.

(Alice is in the family room, vacuuming the sofa. Carol walks in.)

Carol: Alice, what are you doing?

Alice: I’m listening for clinks.

Carol: Clinks?

Alice: Yeah, sometimes I suck out some loose change that makes clinks.

Carol (laughing): Would you try to clink up a new sofa?

(Mike comes in.)

Mike (to Carol): Hi, honey.

Carol: Hi, sweetheart.

Mike: Hi, Alice.

(He and Carol kiss.)

Carol: Quick, tell me about your dentist appointment.

Mike: Oh, shade your eyes.

(He smiles and shows his teeth.)

Alice (humorously): Oh, I can’t stand to glare.

Carol (dramatically): Oh, it’s Dr. Vogel.

Mike: You know, Marcia is right. He is charming and groovy.

Carol: Gee, I’m not supposed to see him for another month but maybe I can get my appointment pushed up.

Alice: What I need is having good, quick cavities.

Mike: Sorry, Alice, he’s married and has a family.

(Alice snaps her fingers in frustration.)

Mike: By the way, you know, Dr. Vogel asked if Marcia could babysit Friday night.

Carol: Yeah, I don’t see why not. Why don’t you ask her. She’s in her room studying.

Mike: okay.

(She goes upstairs to the girls’ room, where they are all doing homework.)

Mike: Hi, kids. (to Marcia) Hi, honey.

Marcia: Hi.

Mike: Say, Marcia, are you busy Friday night?

Marcia: I have a date, Dad, why?

Mike: Oh, nothing, if you’re busy, it’s not important.

(He leaves an dMarcia gets up to follow.)

Marcia: Hey, Dad, what’s not important?

Mike: Oh, well, Dr. Vogel wanted to know if you were free Friday night, but if you’re busy, forget it.

(He leaves the room and Marcia gets excited.)

Marcia (shouting): Did you hear that? He wants to know if I’m busy Friday night!

Jan: He honestly noticed you!

Marcia: I can’t believe it!

Cindy: And he’s an older man!

Jan: According to Teen Time Romance, you’re the perfect couple.

Marcia: I wonder why he asked Dad and not me.

Jan: Well, that’s the way they always did it in the olden times. The boyfriend asked the father for permission first.

Cindy: Sure, don’t you watch old movies?

Marcia (getting up): Oh, an older man noticed me! Oh no, it’s terrible.

Jan: What?

Marcia (dramatically): I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, and I don’t have a thing to wear.

(Cut to outside, where the guys are finishing work on the go-cart.)

Greg: There it goes, now drive it.

Bobby: Good.

Peter: I got the feeling I forgot something.

Bobby: What?

Peter: I forget.

Greg: Here goes.

(He pulls the back of the cart, but nothing happens.)

Bobby: Harder.

Greg: This is hard as I can.

(He tries again, then makes a discovery.)

Greg: For crying out loud, there’s no gas.

Peter: That’s what I forgot.

(Marcia comes out dressed in her finest clothes. She gets on her bike. We hear a whistling sound.)

Greg: Hey, look at you.

Peter: Do you eyes deceive me?

Bobby: You’re wearing girls clothes.

Marcia: I have a very important appointment.

Bobby: What kind of appointment?

Marcia: It doesn’t concern you children.

Peter: La di da.

Marcia: Just go off and play with your dumb old toy.

(She rides off.)

Bobby (yelling): And the same to you!

(Next, we see Marcia in Dr. Vogel’s office. He is givng her a filling.)

Dr. Vogel: I hope that didn’t hurt.

Marcia: What didn’t hurt?

Dr. Vogel: The drill.

Marcia: Oh, I loved it.

Dr. Vogel: You won’t believe how many people complain. But not yu.

Marcia: I never complain.

Dr. Vogel: Rinse please. (She takes a sip of water and spits it out in the sink) That’s one of the things I like about you.

Marcia: Mmm, I love the taste of your mouthwash.

(He goes over to clean her teeth.)

Dr. Vogel: By the way, what about Friday night? Did your father mention it?

Marcia: Yeah, but I sort of have a date. It’s not really a date. It’s only with Eddie Bryan, a youth at school.

Dr. Vogel: Oh, that’s too bad. Well, I guess I’ll have to find someone else. I got tickets for the ballet.

Marcia: The ballet?

Dr. Vogel: You like the ballet?

Marcia: I’m mad about it. I’ve never been, but I’m mad about it.

Dr. Vogel: We’ll see how that looks. Open wide, please.

Marcia: i’m sure he will understand. I can break a date.

Dr. Vogel: Just keep open wide, Marcia. I could break a date.

Marcia: Well, it’s not anything important.

Dr. Vogel: No, no. There will be other nights. Wider please.

Marcia: It’s okay. I’m sure it is.

Dr. Vogel: You’re sure it’s no trouble.

Marcia: Positive.

Dr. Vogel: All right, Friday.

Marcia: I can’t stay out very late, though.

Dr. Vogel: Oh, no problem. The ballet should be over by 11.

Marcia: Wonderful.

Dr. Vogel: Oh, could you be ready at 7.

Marcia: I could be ready even earlier.

Dr. Vogel: No, 7 is fine. I could pick you up at your house.

(Marcia sits in the chair and beams. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has the guys painting their go-cart.)

Bobby: We ought to paint a number on it, a really good number.

Greg: What do you mean a really good number?

Bobby (demonstrating): One like 99.

Peter: What’s so great about 99?

Bobby: Well, if it ever turns over, then it’s 66.

Peter: How about 66, when it turns out, then it’s (all in unison) 99.

Greg: Hey, you guys could make it 88, then if it turns over, it’ll still be 88.

(Marcia comes back and almost crashes into the cart.)

Greg: Hey, Marcia. Watch out, we’re trying to paint this thing.

Marcia (annoyed): Really. (she puts her bike in the garage) You children and your juvenile hobbies.

Peter (defiantly): Children? Since when did you get to be so old?

Bobby (emulating an old lady): Eee, speak up, can’t hear you.

Marcia: Greg, would you come here a minute? (She gets up for her to speak to him) Would you tell Eddie Bryant I can’t go out with him Friday night. I have another date.

Greg (protesting): You can’t do that to him, I told him you’d go. He’s already shaved.

Marcia (snobbishly): I’m sorry, but I have more mature things to do.

(She walks away and goes inside. Carol is knitting something in the family room.)

Marcia: Hi, Mom.

Carol: Hi.

Marcia: Mom.

Carol: Yes.

Marcia: Did dad mention anything about Dr. Vogel and Friday night?

Carol: Yes, he did mention it.

Marcia: And it’s okay?

Carol: Yeah, why not? It’ll be a good experience for me.

Marcia (surprised): Wow. So with the traffic and everything, I may not be home till about midnight. And it’s still okay?

Carol: As long as I know where you are dear, I won’t worry.

(Marcia gets ecstatic and hugs Carol.)

Marcia: Oh, Mom, you’re the most understanding woman in the whole world.

(She kisses her and runs. Now it’s Carol’s turn to be surprised.)

Carol: What did I say?(Marcia rushes upstairs to her room, where Jan is doing homework.)

Marcia: Jan, Jan, he did it. he asked me for a date.

Jan: Who did?

Marcia: Dr. Vogel.

Jan (excited): Oh, Marcia. Your first older man. I’m so happy for you!

Marcia: thanks.

Jan: Where are you gonna meet him?

Marcia: He’s coming here!

Jan: Here?

Marcia: Yeah! Friday night at 7!

Jan: Is it all right with Mom and Dad?

Marcia: Mom said it would be a good experience?

Jan: Oh, wow, that’s great, Marcia. Too much.

Marcia (excited): A first date can lead to a second date, and then, that can lead to a third, and then, maybe going steady, and that might lead to, marriage. Imagine, me, Mrs. Marcia Dentist.

(Marcia hears her last response echo in he rhead as she has a daydream of her wedding to Dr. Vogel.)

Minister: Marcia Brady, do you promise to love, honor, brush up and down and see your dentist twice a year?

Marcia: I do.

Minister: And you, Dr. Dentist, do you take Marcia for better or worse, for cavities, for route canal work, for orthodontics?

Dr. Vogel: I do.

Minister: By the powers vested in me by the dental association, I now pronounce you wife and dentist.

(Dr. Vogel puts his stick in Marcia’s mouth to check for cavities. Marcia comes back to reality.)

Jan: Marcia, I’m talking to you.

Marcia: I guess I was daydreaming, and what a dream.

(The next scene has Marcia doing homework in the family room. Carol comes in.)

Carol: Marcia, dinner’s just about ready. you better get cleaned up.

Marcia: Okay.

(Bobby and Cindy come in the kitchen.)

Bobby: Mom, when’s dinner?

Cindy: We’re starved.

Carol: Any minute now.

Alice: Cindy, would you get me a couple of napkins please?

Carol: Alice, I think we’re just about ready.

Alice: So are the dinner rolls.

(Marcia sees this form the family room and has another daydream about having a couple kids and Alice working for her. Bobby and Cindy come in the kitchen dressed and sounding like they’re British.)

Bobby: Mummy, Mummy, we’re quite ready for dinner.

Cindy: We’re dreadfully hungry.

Marcia: In a moment, my angels.

(Alice merrily comes out in an old-fashioned maid uniform, dusting.)

Alice: Ooh, Cindy, get me some napkins. please.

Cindy: Alice.

(She pulls her skirt and gets the napkins.)

Bobby: And I shall help you.

Alice (to Marcia): Ahh, the children, they are fantastic.

Marcia: A blessing.

(Marcia’s dream ends and Carol reminds her of dinner.)

Carol: Dinner, Marcia. Marcia!

Marcia: Oh, uh, I’m coming, Mom.

NOTE: There were some French terms uttered by Alice and Cindy. If anyone knows what those were, please let mew know.

(Next, Mike comes home form work.)

Mike (to Carol): Hi, honey.

Carol: Hi, dear.

(They kiss.)

Carol: Boy, you look beat.

Mike (slowly): Yeah, what a day.

Carol: Really rough, huh?

Mike: Well, there’s no pleasing some clients. You give them modern because they ask for modern, they want early American.

Carol: Well, maybe tomorrow will be better.

Mike: I doubt it.

(He sits down and thye kiss again. Marcia notices them from the stairway and has another daydream about being married to Dr. Vogel. It shows him coming home from work and Marcia greeting him.

Dr. Vogel: Hello, my dearest.

Marcia: Hi, honey.

(They hug.)

Marcia: Rough day?

Dr. Vogel: Uh, brutal. (He sits in his chair) Boy are people thoughtless and break up my practice.

(Marcia hands him a glass of water.)

Marcia: Rinse. You’ll feel better.

Dr. Vogel: I feel better just being with you.

Marcia: Patient trouble?

Dr. Vogel (bitterly): The Levine kid bit me.

Marcia: Again? That makes it the third time this month.

Dr. Vogel: And if that wasn’t enough, I spent all afternoon extracting an impacted molar.

Marcia: I’m so proud of you, my darling. Because of you, there’s one less impacted molar in the world. Relax, you’re at home with me now.

(Marcia comes back to reality and walks downstairs ina daze. The next scene has Jan on the phone with a friend.)

Jan: Are you sure? That’s awful. Well, I’ll have to tell Marcia. Oh, well thanks, bye. (Marcia comes down the stairs with her algebra book) Marcia.

Marcia: Yeah.

Jan: Can I talk to you for a minute?

Marcia: Well, make it short. I got to get it on with this algebra.

Jan: Well, I was just talking to my friend, Kathy. And she’s got a friend who has a sister and she was thinking of going out with a married man. What do you think of that?

Marcia: Well, I think that’s terrible.

Jan: Well, what if she was in love with this man?

Marcia: It still doesn’t make any difference. He’s a married man.

Jan: But what if she didn’t find that out until after they fell in love?

Marcia: But it’s still wrong. Can you imagine what kind of life this poor girl would have? (She starts to get dramatic) Hiding in the shadows, waiting by herself as the clock ticks off the empty hours. Doomed to be the other woman for life. It’s not for me.

Jan: I’m glad to hear you say that. Because, he’s married.

Marcia: Who’s married?

Jan: Dr. Vogel, your date. He’s got a wife, children, maybe even a dog.

(Marcia gets shocked as she sits down.)

Marcia: Dr. Vogel?

Jan: yes, Kathy’s parents are friends with Dr. Vogel and his wife.

Marcia: Are you absolutely positive?

Jan: Positive, what are you gonna do?

Marcia: I don’t know.

(The next scene is in the kitchen, where Marcia goes to Alice for advice.)

Marcia: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi, honey.

Marcia: Alice, can I talk to you?

Alice: Sure, sweetie.

Marcia: I mean, woman to woman.

Alice: It’ll be a little hard to do it any other way.

Marcia: This is serious.

Alice: Well sure honey, sit down. Let’s talk.

Marcia: Well, suppose you found out something about your boyfriend, Sam.

Alice: What?

Marcia: Well, suppose all the time you’ve been dating, Sam’s been married to someone else.

Alice: Marcia, do you know something I don’t know?

Marcia: No, I’m just supposing, that’s all. What would you do if you found out Sam was married?

Alice: Well, no butcher better tell me something like that with a meat cleaver on the counter. You’re sure we’re not talking about Sam now.

Marcia: Positive. It’s some other woman who’s facing that problem.

Alice: Somebody you know?

Marcia: Yeah, and I was hoping you could give her some advice.

Alice: Oh, well, I’d say, stop the romance right away.

Marcia: How?

Alice: Well, I’m not sure. My problem with romance has never been stopping one, it’s only been starting one.

Marcia: But how can you stop it, Alice. Would you write him a letter or phone him or what?

Alice: No, I’d face him with it right away. Face to face.

Marcia: Get it over with real quick, right?

Alice: Right.

Marcia: Thanks, Alice.

(Next, Marcia goes to see Dr. Vogel at his office.)

Marcia: Dr. Vogel.

Dr. Vogel: Hi, Marcia. Did we have an appopintment?

Marcia: No, but I had to see you at once.

Dr. Vogel: Oh no, don’t tell me that filling came out. Please, sit in that chair.

Marcia: I can’t go on like this.

Dr. Vogel: Oh, I’m sure you can’t. The pain must be pretty bad.

Marcia: I almost couldn’t do my algebra test.

Dr. Vogel: Marcia, why didn’t you call me at home.

Marcia: That would’ve been even more painful.

Dr. Vogel: More painful?

(Marcia begins to get drastic.)

Marcia: We can’t go on seeing each other like this. Even though we haven’t had our first date.

Dr. Vogel: Our first date?…

Marcia: I know, you were afraid if you told me you were married, I wouldn’t have accepted. I realize that older men are attracted to younger girls. I read Teen Time romance magazine.

Dr. Vogel: Oh, I can see you do. Do you mean the nday I asked your father about you?

Marcia: Yes. It was very gallant of you to ask his permission.

Dr. Vogel: Oh, I think I understand.

Marcia: I’m flattered you find me attractive, but, I couldn’t break up your marriage.

Dr. Vogel: Marcia, you’re wiser than your years.

Marcia: That’s why I have to give you up, doctor.

Dr. Vogel: Is that what you really want?

Marcia: That’s the way it has to be. (She gets up from the chair) I give you back to your wife and children.

(He takes her by the hand.)

Dr. Vogel: I thank you, Marcia. My wife and children thank you too.

Marcia: Dr. Vogel, I think you should know that I will never say anything about this to my friends or family.

Dr. Vogel: Believe me, Marcia. I won’t either.

(She starts to leave, then turns around.)

Marcia: Oh, by the way.

Dr. Vogel: Yes.

Marcia: I’ll still be in Wednesday to get my teeth clean.

(She leaves and Dr. Vogel laughs to himself. She sees Greg when she gets home.)

Marcia: Greg, Greg.

Greg: I don’t know if I want to talk to a chick who breaks dates with my friends.

Marcia: Does Eddie Bryan have another date for Friday night?

Greg: No, thanks to you.

Marcia: Good, because I want to call him right now. I’d love to go out with him.

Greg: Now, wait a minute. I thought you said Eddie was too immature for you.

Marcia: You know, there’s a lot to be said for growing old together.

(The next scene has Greg and Marcia leaving for Marcia’s date with Eddie. He waits for her at the bottom up the staircase.)

Greg: Come on, Marcia.

Marcia (coming down the stairs): Would you calm down?

Greg: Eddie can’t hold the bowling date all night.

Carol: Good night, kids, have fun.

Marcia: You too.

Carol: Don’t be late.

Greg: Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.

Mike: And drive carefully.

Greg: I will.

(Jan comes by.)

Mike: I wonder what changed her mind about Dr. Vogel tonight.

Carol: I don’t know, and she really seemed to be looking forward to it too.

Jan: I know why marcia changed her mind about Dr. Vogel tonight.

Carol: Why?

Jan: Well (Pause) I better not tell you. You’re not young enough to know.

(She goes upstairs.)

Carol (confused): Uh, teenagers. By the time you understand what they’re talking about, they’re not teenagers anymore.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has the guys giving the go-cart another test drive, while Alice is cleaning a screen. The guys have no luck.)

Greg: This thing is never gonna work.

(He kicks it in frustration. Bobby gets out and they walk away.)

Greg: I’ve just about had it.

Bobby: Where will we get a new motor.

Peter: Next time, I’ll handle it.

(The cart starts to warm up and takes off by itself. Alice notices.)

Alice: Hey, hey, guys, uh, uh…

(They notice it moving and chase after it.)

Greg: Hey, look!

(They chase after it, as well as Alice.)