S5 E2 Mail Order Hero

Mail Order Hero

Written by Martin Ragaway

Bobby tells his friends he knows Joe Namath. Now they want him to introduce them when he comes into town for an upcoming game. I hope you enjoy the script.












HERB KELLER, Joe’s agent

ERIC, Bobby’s friend

TOM, another friend

BURT, another friend

(The episode begins with Bobby sleeping. He dreams that he and Joe Namath are playing football in the backyard.)

Bobby: Okay Joe, we only have time for one more play. We need 6 big ones to win. This is it, Joe.

Joe: You mean, the bomb?

Bobby (nodding): The bomb.

Joe: Okay, on two. Ready? (Bobby goes to throw him a pass) 98, 77, 203, 207, 74, 2.

(Bobby throws the ball to Joe and then runs. The guys on the other team try to stop him, but Bobby gets past them. Joe throws the ball to Bobby, who jumps 6 feet in the air to catch it. He then makes a touchdown.)

Joe (screaming): Hey, Bobby, all right. Nice going, Bobby! (He runs over and picks Bobby up in a bear hug) Hey, Bobby, al right! I don’t know how I got along without you!

Bobby: Neither do I!

(Bobby’s dream ends and he is smiling in his sleep. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Bobby and his friends playing football in the back yard.)

Burt: You know something, my Dad’s cousin was on the same plane with Hank Aaron all the way from Chicago.

Bobby: Yeah.

Tom: That’s nothing. I know someone who knows Lee Trevino’s caddy.

Eric: That’s nothing either. My Dad rode on the same elevator with Wilt Chamberlain. and he stood right next to him.

Bobby: Right next to him?

Eric: Sure. My dad’s shoulder was rubbing up right against Wilt Chamberlain’s knee. (to Bobby): Hey, you don’t know anybody important, do you?

Bobby: Sure I do.

Burt: Who?

Bobby: Well, I don’t like to brag. Let’s play some more.

Burt: Who?

Bobby: Joe Namath.

Burt: The New York Jets quarterback?

Tom: You know Joe Namath?

Bobby: Sure, I know him alot.

Burt: How much is a lot?

Bobby: Well, he always has dinner at our house, whenever he’s in town.

Tom: Could we meet him sometime?

Burt: Could we, please?

Bobby: Sure, next time he’s in town, why not. (Cindy comes outside with the garbage) Time to wash up for dinner, right, Cindy?

Cindy: Dinner’s not for another two hours.

Bobby: Well, I like to avoid the rush, you know. 6 kids, 1 bathroom.

Eric: Hey, listen, you must be really excited about next week, huh.

Bobby: Why?

Eric: Well, Joe Namath and the Jets are playing an exhibition game here in town.

Bobby: Next week?

Eric: Yeah.

Bobby: Oh, that’s right.

Burt: Wow, we’ll get to meet Joe Namath.

Tom: I’m gonna go tell my Dad.

(They all say good-bye to Bobby and run off.)

Bobby: Yeah, bye.

(He starts to hear what was said in his head. We take you to Greg’s room in the attic, where he and Peter are studying.)

Greg: This is a good composition, Pete. How come you got a C-?

Peter: Read the last line.

Greg (reading): If George Washington never told a lie, how come he got so far in politics?

(They both laugh. Bobby comes upstairs.)

Bobby: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Bobby: Hey, listen guys, how would you like to have Joe Namath over for dinner.

Peter: Hey, that be fantastic.

Greg: When is he coming?

Bobby: Well, that depends.

Peter: On what?

Bobby: On, either one of you know him?

Greg: Have you flipped? What makes you think we know Joe Namath?

Bobby: Well, you guys are older and you have more time to meet people. I’m desperate.

Greg: Okay Bobby, come on, give. What happened?

Bobby: Well, all the guys were bragging about knowing superstars.

Peter: And you were stupid enough to say you know Joe Namath?

Bobby: I was even stupider. I told them he has dinner at our house, when he’s in town.

Greg: Which will be next week at that expedition game.

Bobby: Yeah, what do you think I ought to do?

Peter: Well, if you ever thought about running away and joining the circus, now would be a good time.

Greg: Look, you only got two choices, Bobby. Either you tell the truth, or you produce Joe Namath. (Pause) Well, I’d tell the truth before it gets any worse.

Peter: Right, Honesty is the best policy, especially when nothing else works.

Bobby: Yeah, I guess I had better go phone the guys.

(Bobby leaves. Cindy is downstairs on the telephone.)

Cindy (into the phone): That’s awful, that’s awful, that’s really awful. (Bobby comes down the stairs) Listen, I got to go now, Barbara. Bye. (She hangs up.) (to Bobby) Do you want to hear about a big problem?

Bobby: I got my own problem.

Cindy: This is your own problem.

Bobby: About Joe Namath?

Cindy: Yes. Barbara’s brother Eric and his friends told all their friends about him coming over for dinner here.

Bobby: This time tomorrow it’ll be all over school.

Cindy: I don’t think it’ll take that long.

(She goes up the stairs.)

Bobby (to himself): My entire life is ruined, and I’m not even in high school yet.

(Next, Bobby is in the den explaining his problem to Mike and Carol.)

Mike: Well, how could you say a thing like that?

Bobby: Well, I just opened my mouth and it came out before I can stop it.

Carol: We don’t even Joe Namath. Do we, Mike?

Mike: No, we don’t. It looks like you bent the truth a little bit there.

Bobby: Bent it? I made it into a pretzel.

Carol: Well, Bobby, how do you intend to straighten it out?

Bobby: I was planning to phone the guys and explain.

Mike: Well, that’s a step in the right direction.

Bobby: But it’s too late. It’s all over town by now.

Mike: Well, Bob, I wish I knew the man but I don’t.

Bobby: Well, thanks anyway.

(He leaves the den.)

Mike (to Carol): Honey, he has got to learn, that when you bluff, somebody is gonna call you on it.

Carol: Mike, honey, we could try to help him, couldn’t we?

Mike: How?

Carol: Why don’t we invite Joe Namath to dinner.

Mike: That’s an excellent suggestion but one minor flaw. We don’t know the man.

Carol: I’ll bet if you really try, you can think of somebody who does know him.

Mike: Well, let’s see. (Pause) Say, Howard Cosell knows him.

Carol: There, you see, there’s your answer.

Mike: I don’t know Howard Cosell. (Pause) Well, I don’t.

(We take you to the living room. Bobby gets on the phone.)

Bobby: Hello. Nissan stadium. May I speak to Joe Namath, please? Can I leave a message for him when he gets in? Tell him to call Bobby Brady at 555-6161. It’s very important, thanks.

(He hangs up. We next take you to the family room. Jan is practicing first aid on Alice. She is wrapping body wrap around her, which is used for multiple body fractures, with Marcia looking on.)

Alice: When you get to my head, leave a little peek hole so I can find my way back to the pyramid.

Marcia: Anybody who needs that much bandaging isn’t worth saving.

Jan: The manual says, in the case of a double compound fracture in both arms, the victim must be completely immobilized.

Alice: Will you do me a favor the next time you ask me to volunteer for something? Immobilize my big mouth before I can answer.

Marcia: Well, I got to do my homework.

Alice: Come back soon. Visiting hours are from 7 to 9.

Jan: I ran out of bandages. Promise you’ll stay put, okay.

Alice: Cross my heart. If I could reach it.

(At this moment, the phone rings. Alice trieds her best to answer it. It’s Bobby’s friend, Eric.)

Eric (from the other line): Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, is anybody there? Hello.

(Alice finally gets to the phone.)

Alice: Brady residence.

Eric: Could I please speak to Bobby?

Alice: Hold the phone. (she calls) Bobby! Telephone!

Bobby (running in): Is it Joe? What are you doing down there, Alice? (the floor)

Alice: Hit and run Florence Nightingale.

Bobby (grabbing the phone): Hello, this is Bobby Brady speaking.

Eric: Hello, this is Eric. I just heard on the radio that Joe Namath got into town today. Has he called you yet?

Bobby: No, but I got a call in for him.

Eric: Be sure to let us know when we get to meet him.

Bobby: Oh, sure. But listen, Joe might be trying to call me right now. So I better get off the phone. Bye. (He hangs up and starts to leave) See you later, Alice.

Alice: Bobby, help me up!

Bobby: Well, I don’t think i can lift you, Alice.

Alice: Then don’t life me, unwrap me.

(He starts to set Alice free. Meanwhile, the girls are upstairs in their room and Jan is continuing her first aid assignment.)

Jan: Oh, Cindy, can I borrow your foot?

Cindy: Sure, which one?

Jan: It doesn’t matter. I’m getting real good at this.

Marcia: Wow, what a guy.

Jan: Who?

Marcia: Mike Connors. He’s far out. Listen to what he did. There was a sick little girl in the hospital who wrote to him saying how much she wanted to meet him. And he went 1,200 miles out of his way just to visit her for 5 minutes.

Jan: Just because she was sick?

Marcia: Yeah.

(Jan gives an expression of admiration.)

Cindy: Just because she was sick, huh.

(Later that night, Cindy acts on the idea that gave her. She gets up and writes a letter to Joe Namath.)

Cindy: Dear Mr. Namath, my name is Bobby Brady and I’m 12 years old. I am writing to you because I am very, very sick. One thing I would like more than anything in the whole world is to meet you in person.

(The scene fades away.)

(The next scene has Marcia and Jan leaving for school. They approach Carol in the kitchen.)

Jan: Mom, don’t forget my first aid meeting today is at 3:30.

Carol: Oh, I won’t. I’ll be happy to drive you there, but in no way am I gonna be the victim.

Jan: Marcia volunteered to do it.

Marcia: Some volunteer. She wrapped a bandage around my mouth so I couldn’t say no.

Carol (handing them their lunch): Hurry up, or you’re gonna be late.

Marcia: Bub bye.

Carol: See you later. Have a good day.

(Bobby is upstairs in his room. Mike comes in to see him.)

Mike: Say, the risk of sounding like a parent, would you mind telling me why you’re not on your way to school, young man?

Bobby: I feel kind of sick, Dad.

Mike (feeling his head): You don’t have a temperature.

Bobby: Well, sometimes it doesn’t always show. You know I might have a slight case of malaria.

Mike: Would you like to hear my diagnosis? The word is chicken.

Bobby: Like in pox?

Mike: No, just plain chicken. I think you’re afraid to face the boys at school.

Bobby: Some of those guys don’t even think I know Joe Namath, Dad.

Mike: You don’t.

Bobby: Well, I might, someday.

Mike: Well, I think you better get up off of there and head to school. Okay?

Bobby: No, but I’ll do it.

(Meanwhile, Joe goes to see Herb, his manager. He comes into his office.)

Joe: Hello, Herb. Any messages?

Herb: Right on the desk as usual. The way this mail is coming in, looks like you’re gonna need your own zip code.

Joe: Well, don’t knock it, buddy. If it ever stops coming, I’ll need a very large crying towel.

Herb: By the way, Joe, there is a letter that came in I think you ought to read right now.

Joe: What does it say, Herb? Go ahead, read it.

Herb (reading): Dear Mr. Namath, my name is Bobby Brady and I’m 12 years old. I am writing to you because I am very, very sick.

Joe: Say, Bobby Brady, I got a phone message here from him, let me see this. (He reads the rest of the letter) Wow, poor kid. This sounds serious. Why don’t you get him on the phone and see if we can stop over after practice.

Herb: Right, Joe.

Joe: Gee, I hope it’s not too late.

(Back at home, Alice has just made some brownies. She is putting them on a plate as Bobby and Cindy come in.)

Alice: Guess what, folks. I got your favorite goodies, brownies, right out of the oven.

Bobby: No thanks, Alice, I’m not hungry.

Alice (to Cindy): He turned down brownies? That’s like Bob Hope turning down laughs.

Cindy: The kids at school gave him a bad time.

Alice: Oh, poor kid. He had to tell them he didn’t know Joe Namath.

Cindy: No, they gave him such a bad time, he just couldn’t tell them. (The phone rings and Cindy answers) Hello.

Herb (on the other line): Is this the home of Bobby Brady?

Cindy: Yes. This is his sister, Cindy.

Herb: I’m Herb Keller. Publicity manager for the exhibition football game.

Cindy (excited): You mean the one with Joe Namath? (She gets very thrilled) You got the letter, huh!

Herb: Yes. How is your brother feeling?

Cindy: Oh, awful. He just turned down his favorite dessert, brownies!

Herb: That’s too bad. His letter almost broke Joe’s heart.

Cindy (extremely pleased): That’s wonderful! (she realizes her mistake) I mean, that’s very sad.

(She smiles after her statement.)

Herb: Joe would like to drop by today about 5:30 to see Bobby. Will that be all right?

Cindy: That would be super!

Herb: Good, see you then, Cindy. Bye.

Cindy; Bye.

(She hangs up and runs upstairs to tell Bobby.)

Alice: Hey, hey, hey, what was that all about?

Cindy: Wrong number.

(Cut to Bobby’s room. He is sitting at his desk, totally depressed.)

Cindy (running in): Bobby, he’s coming here, he’s coming here!

Bobby: Who is?

Cindy: Joe Namath. Himself, in person!

Bobby: Terrible joke, Cindy.

Cindy: I’m not joking. I wrote a letter and I signed your name to it. So, he’s coming here, this afternoon!

Bobby (suddenly excited): Wow! (he gets up) Hey, wait till I tell Eric, Burt and Tom.

(Cindy stops him.)

Cindy: Wait. Now, the bad news.

Bobby: What bad news?

Cindy: You got to get sick.

Bobby: What? Why?

Cindy: Well, the letter I wrote him kind of gave him the idea that you were very, very sick.

Bobby: Well, what did you write?

Cindy: That you were very, very sick. So you better get sick.

(Downstairs, Alice goes to answer the door. It is none other than Joe Namath. Herb is with him as well.)

Joe: Hello.

(Alice gets ecstatic and is at a loss for words.)

Alice: It’s you, it’s him. You’re Joe Namath!

Joe: Right, right. This is Herb Keller.

Herb: Hello. (She says hi back) Can we come in?

Alice (nodding): Oh, uh, uh, uh, yeah. Please do.

Joe: How’s Bobby feeling.

Alice: Just terrible. But this is gonna be the greatest medicine in the world for him. Just make yourself comfortable and I’ll go get him.

Joe: Can he walk? I mean, you don’t have to carry him or anything, do you?

Alice: Carry him, no.

Herb: Can we go up to his room?

Alice: Uh, uh, sure, if you’d rather. Bobby is going to be tickled to death. (Joe and Herb look at each other surprisingly, while Cindy notices from upstairs) He’ll be so excited, Mr. Namath. He’s just up the stairs, the first door on the right.

Joe: Thank you.

Herb: Thanks.

(Cindy runs in to tell Bobby, who is sitting on his bed in his pajamas.)

Cindy: He’s here, he’s here! Get into bed!

(Bobby gets in bed and lays down. Cindy sits next to him. Joe and Herb enter the room.)

Joe: Hello, Bobby.

Bobby (weakly): Hi, Mr. Namath.

Joe: h

Hey, call me Joe.

Bobby: Thanks for coming, Joe. (Cindy nudges him) Oh, this is my sister, Cindy.

Joe: Hello, Cindy.

Cindy: Hi, Joe.

Joe: This is my friend, Herb Keller.

Herb: Hello.

Bobby: Hi.

Joe (to Bobby): So you sound a lot better than you did in your letter.

Bobby: I do?

(He realizes then starts to moan in pain. Joe and Herb look at each other suspiciously.)

Cindy: One minute he’s fine and the next, he’s awful.

(Downstairs, the phone rings and Alice answers.)

Alice: Brady residence.

(It’s Mike calling from his office.)

Mike: Alice, is Bobby there?

Alice: Yes, but I think he’s pretty busy right now.

Mike: Just tell him I’ve got good news for him.

Alice: Me too, Mr. Brady.

Mike: I finally found somebody who knows somebody who knows Joe Namath.

Alice: Me too, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Really, who?

Alice: Me.

Mike: How do you know Joe Namath?

Alice: He just walked in our front door!

Mike: Look, I’ll be right home.

(He hangs up. Meanwhile, Joe is still visiting with Bobby.)

Joe: Is there anything special I can do for you, Bobby?

Bobby: Could you come over for dinner one night, Joe?

Joe: No, I’m afraid not. I have to hop a plane right after the game.

Herb: How about an autographed photo, Bobby. I brought one along for you.

Bobby: (suddenly excited): That would be great!

Cindy: You better lie down. You look weaker.

Joe: What would you like me to say on it, Bobby?

Bobby: To my great friend, Bobby Brady.

Joe (writing down): To my great friend, Bobby Brady.

Bobby: At his house I always have dinner when I’m in town.

Herb (to Joe): You do?

Joe: Whatever he says, Herb.

Bobby: I’m sorry I won’t get a chance to meet some of his friends, (Joe repeats meet some of his friends while writing it down) like Eddie Clark, Tommy Hamner, Todd Crew, Burt Stevens.

Cindy: Give him a chance to catch up.

Joe: There, I’m caught up. Go ahead, Bobby.

Bobby: And especially Eric Cauffer, who refuses to believe I’m really good friends with Bobby Brady.

(Joe writes it all down.)

Joe: That’s all.

Bobby: That’s all. Now you can write whatever you want.

(Carol comes home with Jan and Marcia with good news.)

Carol: Well, Alice, she passed her first aid test with flying bandages.

Jan: I got ten points on my very first try.

Marcia: Now she’s moving up to stretcher bandages.

Alice: Today’s a day for great news, have I got some for you.

Carol: What?

(She motions to her to see Joe, who is going down the stairs with Herb.)

Joe: Hi. (Carol is star struck and then Joe notices the stretcher Jan and Marcia are holding) We barely made it before the stretcher got here.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, this is Joe Namath and Mr. Keller.

(They shake hands.)

Carol: What a pleasure.

Joe: How are you doing?

(Marcia and Jan come to meet him.)

Alice: This is Marcia and Jan Brady.

Marcia and Jan: Hi.

Carol: It was so nice of you to come over here just to see Bobby.

Joe: Well, it was the least we could do, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: You know, you got here in the nick of time. Bobby was just about at the end of his rope.

(Joe and Herb look at each other. Mike comes home.)

Mike: Hi, everybody.

Carol: Oh, Mike, (to Joe) this is my husband, Mike. This is Mr. Namath and Mr. Keller.

(He shakes hands with them both.)

Mike: Very nice to meet you. How do you do, Mr. Keller.

Joe: You really have quite a son there, Mr. Brady.

Herb: This whole thing must be pretty upsetting.

Mike: Well, when you have six kids, something like this is bound to happen to one of them.

Joe: Excuse me, you don’t seem to be taking this very seriously.

Carol: Oh, there’s no reason to get upset over a problem like this.

Mike: How did you find out about this?

Joe: I got this letter form Bobby.

(He hands Mike the letter.)

Carol: Hey, that’s Cindy’s handwriting.

Mike (reading): It says, Dear Mr. Namath, my name is Bobby Brady and I’m 12 years old. I am writing to you because I am very, very, (Pause) very, very sick? (He gets upset over reading Bobby is sick, as does Carol.) Mr. Namath, I’m afraid we owe you an apology. I think the kids are trying to put something over on you.

Joe: You mean Bobby’s not sick?

Carol: Well, he might be when we get through talking to him.

Mike: Yeah.

Alice: He and Cindy must have cooked this up between them, Mr. Namath.

Marcia: You see, Bobby told all his friends that he knew you.

Jan: He even told them you had dinner over here.

(Bobby and Cindy come downstairs. Bobby is in his robe.)

Bobby: Mr. Namath, Cindy and I have been talking it over. And we think you should know something. You see, I’m not really sick. I’m sorry.

Cindy: I’m sorry, too. I wrote the letter. He just moaned and groaned.

Bobby: I guess it wasn’t a very nice thing to do. (They all look at him) You can have your picture back.

Joe: Well, you looked pretty healthy when I talked to you upstairs, Bobby. In fact, I’m glad you’re not sick. And, it’s pretty flattering to have someone want to see me as badly as you wanted to.

Mike: Flattering, maybe, but I think you two are going to be penalized for illegal procedure.

Cindy: Yeah.

Bobby: But, can I still keep the picture.

Joe: You bet you can. And as long as I’m here, why don’t we go throw a few passes together.

Bobby: Wow, that be great.

(Bobby and Joe are outside playing.)

Joe: Okay, Bobby, here comes the bomb. (Bobby runs) Hike. (Bobby catches it and the family and his friends cheer.) Good catch, Bobby, good catch. Now listen, I gotta get going.

Bobby: Boy, Joe, this is something I will never forget.

Joe: Well, neither will I. I really enjoyed it, and it was nice meeting all of you. (Marcia hands him his jacket) It was a pleasure, thank you. (He and Mike shake hands) Mr. Brady, you got quite a family.

Mike: Thanks.

Carol: Bubby, Joe, thank you very much.

Joe: Thank you.

(Bobby goes to his friends.)

Bobby: Listen, guys, i got to tell you something. You see, I never met Joe Namath until today.

(They refuse to believe him.)

Eric: Come on, Bobby, knock it off.

Bobby: Honest.

Burt: You don’t expect us to believe that.

Tom: I’m gonna tell my Dad.

(They all run off in disbelief. Mike and Carol laugh and Bobby shrugs. The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike and Carol watching the game at home.)

Mike: It was nice of Joe Namath to send us all those tickets to the game today.

Carol: Yes, and it was certainly nice of you to give our tickets to Bobby’s friends. But why?

Mike: Well, I had ulterior motives.

Carol: Oh.

Mike: Sure. You have to fight a thousand cars for a parking space. You have to stand in line for hot dogs. Push your weight through all those crowds.

Carol: So.

Mike: So, this way, with all the kids out of the house, you and I can be alone. (He puts his arms around her) You get the picture?

Carol: Ohhhh. Well, who am I to fight a great idea? Yeah, this is much better.

Mike: This way when the game is on television, we won’t have any interruptions.

(Carol picks up a cushion on the couch and hits him in the face with it.)


S5 E1 Adios, Johnny Bravo

Adios, Johnny Bravo

Written by Joanna Lee

Greg receives an offer to become a successful rock start named Johnny Bravo. This interferes with his plans to go to college. Hope you enjoy the script.












BUDDY BERKMAN, Tammy’s partner

HAL BARTON, head of talent show

(The episode begins with the kids auditioning for a talent show at Hal Barton’s studio. Greg is on lead vocals with the rest of the kids backing him.)

Greg (singing): Music played but never stayed to listen. It seemed my life was always out of tune. I found something beautiful was missing. Now there’s music coming out of every room. (The other kids join in) You got to be in love to love a love song. You got to be in love like I love you, and I do. (He goes back to singing solo and croons to Cindy) You’re the love in my song, I just got to sing along with you, with you. Now I found that every sound is music. The trees that whistle softly in the wind. Summer raindrops happen on the sidewalk. (He croons over to Marcia) You made all those pretty melodies begin. (the other kids join him for the chorus) You got to be in love to love a love song. You got to be in love like I love you, and I do. You’re the love in my song, I just got to sing along with you, with you.

(Hal Barton approaches them.)

Barton: Terrific audition kids.

Kids: Thank you.

Barton: You just got yourself a spot on next Saturday’s show. (They cheer and Greg shakes his hand) Now, be here at noon.

Greg: We’ll be here before noon. Thanks a lot.

Barton: Okay.

(He shakes a few other hands and the kids leave happily. Tami Cutler, who was swooning in the audience at Greg, stops them.)

Tami (to Greg): Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Tami: I’m Tami Cutler.

Greg: Greg Brady.

(They shake hands.)

Tami: Did anyone ever tell you that your profile would look great on an album cover.

Greg: No.

Tami: Come on, I’m serious.

Greg: Really?

Tami: Yeah. Hey, do you have an agent?

Greg: No.

Tami: Well, I think it’s about time. (She hands him a card) Do me a favor, call me at 10 o’clock in the morning.

Greg: Sure.

Tami: Bye.

Greg: Bye.

(The other kids look on with specualtion. They come up to him.)

Marcia: Who was that girl, Greg?

Greg: That wasn’t just a girl, that was an agent.

Peter (reading): Tami Cutler Artist Management. Big hit management company.

Jan: What did she say?

Greg: She wants us to call her at 10 o’clock tomorrow.

Marcia (thrilled): We’ve been discovered.

Peter: Wow, I can’t believe it. We got an agent.

(Greg gloats at this fact and the scene fades.)

(The kids come home and share the news with Carol and Alice.)

Cindy (excited): Mom, we got fantastic news!

Carol: What?

Bobby: It happened!

Carol: What happened?

Jan: The fantastic news!

Alice: Well, that clears that up.

Carol: I bet you’re gonna be on Hal Barton’s TV show.

(They agree.)

Marcia: this is even more fantastic than that!

Greg: Wait, that’s not fantastic yet.

Peter: Sure it is!

Carol: What is?

Jan: I got to call Sherry, she’ll faint when she hears.

Carol: Hears what?

Jan: The fantastic news!

(She runs to the phone.)

Alice: This is where I came in.

Cindy (running out): Hey, wait for me.

Bobby: I’m second on the phone.

Peter: You’re second after me.

Carol: Oh, come on, will somebody tell me what’s going on?

Marcia: We’re just the hottest new singing group in town, that’s all.

Greg: Now, don’t get carried away. But, after our audition for Hal Barton, this really attractive girl came up to me.

Marcia: And she turned out to be an agent.

Greg: And she wants us to phone her in the morning.

Marcia: The morning… and I don’t have a thing to wear.

(She runs out of the room.)

Alice: Now there’s a switch, dressing up for a phone call.

Carol: Well, congratulations, Greg, it sounds like you kids had a really exciting day.

Greg: Oh, it has been. Thanks, Mom.

(He leaves.)

Alice: Congratulations, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Thanks, Alice. You know, I couldn’t be more proud if I were the mother of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

(The next scene has Mike coming in the kitchen, where Carol and Alice are preparing dinner.)

Mike: Hi, honey.

(He looks inside the pot.)

Carol: Hi, honey, dinner will be ready in a minute.

(They kiss.)

Mike: Where’s the mail?

Carol: I left it over there on the counter.

(He collects it.)

Mike: There’s only one letter. This one’s for Greg.

Carol: Oh, golly, with all the excitement on show business I forgot to give it to him.

Mike: I see it’s from State University.

Carol: And what’s wrong with Greg going to my old Alma Mater.

Mike: Nothing, nothing, that’s all.

Carol: You’re always talking about him going to dear old Norton College.

Mike: Well, wherever he goes, the important thing is he gets a good education.

Carol: Right. That’s why I think it would be a great idea if he went to state.

Mike: Why would you want your son to go to a college that lost 35 straight football games.

(He kisses her and leaves the kitchen. The next morning, it’s a little before 10 a.m. and the kids are hanging around the phone in the living room. The clock finally strikes 10 and they pester Greg to make the phone call.)

Greg: Would you guys just relax. Listen, if we call right on the dot, it’s gonna make us look anxious.

Cindy: But we are anxious.

Peter: Get a load of Mr. Cool.

(They continue to pester him and Marcia brings the phone right to him.)

Greg; Okay, okay.

(Greg takes the card and dials the number.)

Greg: Tami Cutler please. Yes, I’ll hold. (They ask him what is going on and he shushes them) Hello, Tami, this is Greg. Greg Brady. We met yesterday at the TV station, remember? The profile for the record album. Yeah.

Bobby: Yeah.

Cindy: Oh, yeah.

Greg (continuing the conversation): Sure, sure we could. Oh, okay. I’ll see you then. Right. Good-bye.

Jan: When’s the appointment?

Greg: Right away.

(The other kids get excited.)

Marcia: You’re kidding.

Greg: Wait a minute. She said I should come alone. (The other kids protest) I guess she figures because I’m the oldest, I must be the leader.

Jan: We have to stick together.

Greg: Well, look, I can go down and I can make the deal for all of us. Okay?

Marcia, Peter and Jan: Okay.

Bobby and Cindy: Okay.

(Mike is in his den and Greg comes in for the car.)

Greg: Dad.

Mike: Mmm hmm.

Greg: Can I borrow the car?

Mike: I guess so. What for?

Greg: The agent I met yesterday wants to discuss a little business with me.

Mike: Okay, keys are in the kitchen.

Greg: Thanks, Dad. I won’t be long.

Mike: Greg.

Greg (stopping): Yeah.

Mike: You know, I know you’re all very flattered and excited about this, but, try to keep your cool, will you?

Greg: Don’t worry, Dad, I got everything under control.

(He leaves the den as Carol comes in with coffee.)

Carol: Whoa, watch it, Greg.

Greg: Well, I’m off to see our agent.

Carol: Oh, good luck. (to Mike) Well, that’s show biz, and coffee. (She gives him his coffee) When you’re hot, you’re hot.

Mike: But when you’re not, you’re not. I don’t want those kids to get their hopes up too high.

Carol: Oh, I don’t think they will, it’s just an adventure for them. Besides, Greg is too level-headed to get carried away.

(Next, we see Greg down at Tami’s office.)

Greg: This is wild. What an office.

Tami: It’s a place to hang my beads.

Greg (laughing): Yeah, it’s great.

(Buddy Berkman comes in.)

Buddy (to someone unseen): Right, 4 o’clock from the dub down.

Tami: Oh, Greg, I’d like you to meet my partner, Buddy Berkman.

Buddy: Well.

Greg: How do you do, Mr. Berkman.

(They shake hands.)

Buddy: Okay, beautiful, beautiful, out of sight, dynamite, dymamito.

Greg: I brought along a tape of our group.

Tami: Oh, that won’t be necessary, babe.

Greg: I thought you’d hear how we sound.

Buddy: Oh, sure, terrific, terrific. (He puts it down and ignores it) Hey, would you like to play the guitar? (He hands him a guitar and Greg plays) Here you go, wail on that.

Tami: Come on.

Buddy: Do it, man, do it. Let’s get it on. I can dig this. Yeah.

(Greg starts to play and Buddy gives him plenty of false praise.)

Buddy: Hey, okay, yeah, that’s righteous. (he gets more enthusiastic) Oh, perfect, prefect. Oh, this guy’s terrific, what a find. (to Tami) I hope he fits the suit.

Tami: He will. I never miss.

Buddy (on Greg’s playing): Hey, hey, I like that. Okay, all right. (Tami goes to the closet to pull out an outfit) Very good, very nice.

(Tami shows Greg the suit and he puts the guitar down.)

Tami: You want to slip into this love?

Greg: Wow.

Tami: Like perfect.

Buddy: Righteous.

Tami: Did I tell u I never miss?

Buddy: Beautiful.

Greg: Yeah, this is really something. All six of us getting an outfit like this?

Tami: Just you, babe.

Greg (shocked): Oh, but my brothers and sisters…

Tami: Hey, as of now, you’re solo.

Buddy: You’re gonna be a monster. You won’t be in the top 20, you’ll be the top 20.

Greg: But you don’t understand. I’m part of a group.

Tami: No, you don’t understand. You’re not you anymore.

Greg: I don’t follow.

Buddy: You are a superstar. You are the new Johnny Bravo.

(They take him to a mirror.)

Tami: Johnny Bravo.

Greg: Johnny Bravo?

Tami and Buddy: Johnny bravo!

Greg (looking himself in the mirror): Johnny Bravo.

Tami: Wow.

Buddy: Dynamite.

(Greg goes home with the other kids eagerly awaiting his arrival. Marcia, Peter and Bobby come up to him as he drives into the garage.)

Marcia: Greg, what took you so long? Jan, Cindy, Greg’s here! What happened?

Peter: When do we start to work?

Bobby: Did you tell them I play the organ?

Greg: No, I didn’t have a chance, Bobby.

(Jan and Cindy come over.)

Jan: Tell us what happened?

Cindy: Yeah, when do we get famous?

Greg: We don’t, Cindy.

Peter: You mean you blew the deal?

Greg: No, no, I don’t mean that, either. Excactly.

Marcia: What do you mean, exactly?

Greg: Well, they just wanted to sign (Pause) me.

Jan: Alone?

Bobby: All by yourself?

Cindy: Without us?

Greg: Solo, as in star.

Marcia: Solo, as in sellout.

Peter: That’s dirty.

Bobby: You’re breaking up the act.

Jan: Greg, how could you?

Greg (to Cindy): Honest, they just wanted to sign me, the new Johnny Bravo. They said I’m gonna be a big star.

Cindy: But a very small person.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Greg at home telling his parents.)

Mike: You’re gonna be called Johnny Bravo?

Greg: You know, they got the platter jockeys freaking out over my album, and I haven’t even recorded it yet.

Mike: Listen, what happens when you record it?

Greg: Oh, I go on the road and plug it.

Carol: Where?

Greg: Like all over, man. The whole country.

Mike: Let me ask you a question. Now, how do you plan to do all this and go to college at the same time?

Greg: Good question.

Mike: Well, I thought so.

Greg: I’ll give it some serious thought, Dad.

Mike: I think you better give it a lot of serious thought.

Greg: Right.

(He gets up and leaves the den.)

Carol (to Mike): Did he call me “man”?

Mike: I think so.

(Cut to the girls’ room, where the girls are sulking over getting dumped. Alice comes in.)

Alice: Hi. (They don’t answer. Alice gets sarcastic) What’s all the excitement about?

Marcia: Of all the phony plastic names, Johnny Bravo.

Jan: Yeah, they should’ve called him Benedict Arnold.

Marcia: You know, I bet our group would sound a lot better witohut him.

Cindy: A lot better. We ought to get a new name. How about the Brady 5.

Alice: How about the sour grapes.

Marcia: What’s that supposed to mean, Alice?

Alice: Well it sounds to me like you’re putting Greg down because something great happened to him an dnot to you.

(She sits down next to Cindy.)

Cindy: But we were a group.

Jan: And Greg deserted us.

Alice: Greg didn’t, the agent did. Now, try to put yourself in this spot. What would you have done?

Marcia: Maybe what he did.

Jan: But he could’ve….

Marcia: No he couldn’t. After all, they didn’t want us.

Jan: But he shouldn’t have….

Marcia: But he didn’t have any choice.

Jan: Well, I wouldn’t have.

Marcia: No, you would too.

Alice: I like this conversation. Goes right to the point.

Marcia (getting up): Come on, you two.

Jan: Where?

Marcia: To tell Peter and Bobby we should stop acting like jealous brats.

Cindy: Can’t I still be jealous without being a brat.

(We take you to Greg’s attic room. Where he is playing his guitar and the girls come up to see him.)

Marcia (calling): Greg.

Greg; Yeah.

(The girls enter the room.)

Marcia: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Marcia: Greg.

Greg: Mmm Hmm.

Marcia: We just wanted to apologize. We hope you’re gonna make it really big as a star.

Jan: Hey, we’re gonna start a scrapbook with all your clippings.

Cindy: Yeah, with your name on it. And we’re also gonna start the very first Johnny Bravo fan club.

Greg (smiling): Thanks for understanding. How do Pete and Bobby feel about it now?

(Next, Bobby and Peter are in there talking to him.)

Bobby: We’re really sorry for the way we acted too, Greg.

Peter: He’s not Greg anymore. He’s Johnny Bravo.

Bobby: I meant Johnny.

Greg: Thanks guys.

Peter: We think it’s really super, Greg.

Bobby: Johnny. I’m gonna be in charge of product distribution at school.

Greg: For what?

Bobby: Johnny Bravo T-shirts, locks of hair, broken guitar strings. You know.

Peter: And don’t forget autographs. We’ll make up about a million copies and sell them for 25 cents apiece.

Bobby: We’ll just take the usual. 10% of the profits.

Peter: Apiece.

(Later that evening, Mike and Carol are up and having hot chocolate in the kitchen. They are discussing Greg’s indecision about college.)

Mike: In my mind, there was never any question about Greg going to college.

Carol: Mine either. But that was before all this Johnny Bravo business.

Mike: I want him to have the best education and as much education as he is capable of.

Carol: Oh, yes, and Greg has so much potential.

(Alice comes out of her room.)

Alice: Oh, hi folks. I thought I heard something out here.

Carol: Oh, sorry we woke you, Alice. Why don’t you grab a cup and have some hot chocolate with us.

Alice: Thanks, don’t mind if I do.

Mike: If I thought that Greg didn’t have a better future than just a short music career, it wouldn’t bother me so much.

Carol: I feel the same way. Johnny Bravo could become a has been before he ever was. Right, Alice?

Alice: Right, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: On the other hand, Greg could be a big hit. Couldn’t he.

Alice: Wouldn’t that be something.

Mike: No, the chance of Greg rising to the top are a million to one. I want him to go to college.

Carol: Me too.

Alice: Me three.

Mike: Of course, if we force him to go, he’s out to rebel just to prove a point.

Carol: In which case, we’d probably be pushing him right into the music business.

Mike: You know, while we’re siting here stewing, we have forgotten one important fact.

Carol: What?

Mike: Greg hasn’t made up his mind yet.

(Next, Mike and Carol are outside gardening while Greg is inside on the phone.)

Carol: Has Greg said any more to you about college?

Mike: Not a word.

(Greg gets off the phone and goes outside to talk to his parents.)

Greg: Mom, Dad, I’d like to talk to you for a minute.

Mike: Love a marigold and sit down.

Carol: What’s on your mind, Greg?

Greg: Well, you both said I’m an independent guy and should make my own decisions, right?

Mike: We would agree, yeah.

Greg: Well, I made a decision about college.

Carol: And.

Greg: I’m not going. In fact, I have an appointmant to see my agent this afternoon.

(Carol and Mike are disappointed.)

Mike: Don’t expect us to congratulate you on your decision.

Greg: No, I figured you’d be disappointed.

Carol: Greg, honey, listen, fame is a fleeting thing, but, a college education can last you a lifetime.

Greg: I know all that, Mom. But I feel right now I have to give a singing career a chance. And then in a few years, college will fit in. Maybe. Anyway, I made up my mind. Sorry.

(He gets up and goes back inside.)

Carol (to Mike): I agree with what you’re thinking.

Mike: Yep. I think after he gets back, I’m gonna check out that music agent.

(Greg is down at Tami and Buddy’s office.)

Greg: Everything’s squared away at home. I’m ready.

Buddy: Well, too much. (They shake hands) Out of sight. Dynamite, beautiful.

Tami (extending her hand): Welcome aboard, Johnny Bravo.

Greg: Thanks, Tami. well, what’s next.

Tami: You just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.

(Next, Tami shows him around the office and introduces him to the personnel.)

Tami: This is your PR man. He’ll handle all your interviews, column plans, photo sessions, radio and TV spots, album liners, billboards, oh, and one other thing.

Greg: What?

Tami (calling): Girls, (a bunch of groupies walk in) here he is, your very own Johnny Bravo. Do your thing, girls. (They scream and run up to him and tear his shirt. A photographer takes a picture and Tami thanks the girls and they all leave) Terrific.

(Next, they introduce Greg to their lawyer.)

Buddy: Now, Johnny, this is your new attorney. He’s got some papers for you to eyeball. You know, it’s all got to be like, legal. You dig?

(Greg shakes hands with the lawyers as she shows him a bunch of papers to sign.)

Greg: All these?

(Next, they came out of the recording studio, where Greg just cut a demo.)

Buddy: What a session, what a groovy session.

Tami: I can’t wait to hear the tape.

Buddy: Out of sight, baby, you’re out of sight.

Greg: Did I really sound all right?

Tami: Hang loose and listen.

(Buddy goes to play the tape.)

Buddy: Hey mama, you seen him, you got him, now here he is, with the beat that’s sweet and the jive that’s alive. Your very own muchacho, Johnny Bravo!

(The tape plays and Greg discovers they electronically altered his voice.)

Greg (surprised): That’s me?

Tami: The new Johnny Bravo sound, it’s gotta be a hit.

Buddy: No other way, (to Greg) what do you think, star?

Greg: What happened to my voice?

Buddy: Just a little electronic slide of hand.

Greg: It’s terrible. You can’t even hear the words.

Buddy: Well, of course not!

Greg (turning it off): That’s not the way I sound.

Buddy: You, now come on, baby, don’t get hung up on an ego trip. I mean, who cares how you sound? We’re after the sound. There’s a lot of work in that record.

Greg: Than what do you need me for?

Tami: Because you fit the suit.

Greg (astonished): I fit the suit? That’s the reason you wanted me? Because I fit the suit?

Buddy: There’s an awful lot of bread in those threads, baby.

Tami: Come on. it’s a heavy promotion.

Greg: Yeah, well, Tami, Buddy, I’m about to lay a new sound on you.

Tami: What’s that, babe?

Greg: the sound of a guy taking a walk.

Buddy: What?

Greg: Listen close. (He rips up the contract) Adios, Johnny Bravo.

Tami: Hey.

Buddy: Johnny, hey, wait a second, Johnny.

(He walks out of the office.)

Buddy (to Tami): well, you know, that suit never did really fit right through the shoulders.

(Cut to back at home,. Greg is telling Mike and Carol about the scam.)

Greg: Can you believe that? The only reason they wanted me was because I fit the suit. (Carol laughs) They didn’t want me, they wanted a robot.

Carol: Well, honey, you saved your father a trip from seeing them.

Mike: You sure did. You know, in one way, we’re sorry it happened. But, in another way, I’d like to go on record saying we are very pleased.

Carol: Mike, are you sure you wanna use the word record?

Mike: Well, do you think this is the end of your singing career?

Greg: No, this is the end of Johnny Bravo. But Greg Brady still has a singing career.

(Next, Greg and the other kids are down at Hal Barton’s studio singing a new song called Good Time Music.)

All: Let me hear some of that good time music, that I love to hear.

Greg: I got plenty of blues.

Marcia: And sort of bad news.

All: And I need to find me some cheer.

Marcia: Well there’s been some times, when I’ve been down, oh so recently.

Greg: I got a piece of bad ride and make a new flight.

All: React positively. There’s no sense in walking around with your feet stuck to the ground.

Marcia: It’s much better to put yourself together.

Greg: Create a lot of love and good vibes for humanity.

All: That’s fine with me. Let me hear some of that good time music, that I love to hear.

Marcia: I got plenty of blues.

Greg: And sort of bed news.

All: And I need to find me some cheer.

Greg: Well there’s been some times, when I’ve been down, oh so recently.

Marcia: I got a piece of bad ride and make a new flight. React positively.

(Hal Barton gives them the okay signal.)

All: There’s no sense in walking around with your feet stuck to the ground.

Greg: It’s much better to put yourself together.

Marcia: Create a lot of love and good vibes for humanity.

All: That’s fine with me. Good time music. Good time music. Good time music.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Greg knocking on the door to Mike and Carol’s bedroom.)

Mike: Come in.

Greg (entering): Dad, Mom, I studied these college pamphlets you gave me.

Carol: And.

Greg: Well, I decided that Norton has a lot going for it. (Mike gloats) But State has a lot to offer, too.

Carol: Uh, you think you might go to state, Greg?

Greg: Uh, no.

Mike (laughing): Norton. (Carol has her turn to laugh) Where are you gonna go?

Greg: I mean, there’s been lots to consider. But after reading these pamphlets, I know exactly what to do.

Mike: What?

Greg: Take a couple of years off to travel, and can I have the keys to the car?

Mike: Get out of here.

(Greg turns around to leave.)

Greg: Good night.

Carol: Good night.

(Mike and Carol laugh to each other.)


S4 E23 Room At The Top

Room At The Top

Written by William Raynor and Myles Wilder

Greg moves into the attic in a quest for privacy. I hope you enjoy the script.











HANK CARTER, Greg’s friend

(The episode begins with Greg coming home with his friend, Hank Carter, who was in college.)

Greg: What were you doing back in high school today?

Hank: It was a college semester break. I figured I’d drop by and see how my old buddies were getting along.

Greg: So what’s it like in college?

Hank: Out of sight.

Greg: Yeah? Really different?

Hank: Like night and day.

Greg: Good. (Bobby rushes in, grabs a chair and makes a beeping sound. He goes over to the television) Bobby, we’re having a talk.

Bobby (turning on the television); That’s okay. It won’t bother me.

Greg: It’ll bother me. Go watch TV someplace else, huh.

Bobby: Greg, this room is for all of us. That’s why they call it a family room. Get it.

Greg: Let’s go up to my room, Hank. Maybe we can get some privacy up there.

(They go upstairs.)

Greg: Hey, Hank, why don’t you tell me about the girls in college.

Hank: Huh, they’re a whole different animal, and I do mean animal.

Greg: Yeah, it sounds like a real zoo.

Hank: Uh, something else. They’re sophisticated. Not like the kids back in high school.

Greg: I think I got the picture. (He sees Peter’s robe on the floor. Then Peter comes in and Greg hands it to him) Hey, hang that up. (Peter gets on his bed and reads a comic book) Pete, this is a private conversation.

Peter: About girls?

Greg: Could you go read someplace else?

Peter: Sure I could, but I’d rather stay and listen, and learn.

Greg: Pete, I’d like a little privacy.

Peter: Why should I leave my own room? If you want privacy, go in the garage?

Hank: Greg, why don’t you come over to my apartment. We can have all the privacy we want there.

Greg: Yeah, good idea, Hank.

Peter: have a nice time.

Greg: Why don’t you pick up your robe.)

(Peter looks at his robe, which fell on the floor, and shrugs. Greg and Hank leave the room and are heading down the stairs.)

Greg: The whole apartment to yourself, that’s really something.

Hank: It’s one of the great things about going to college, you’re on your own. You can have friends over whenever you want. You can come and go whenever you want. Nobody to bug you.

Greg: I can’t wait for that.

Hank: Hey, I got an idea. I’m looking for a guy to share expenses with.

Greg: You mean me move in with you?

Hank: Sure, if you’re interested.

Greg: Am I?

Hank: You think your Mom and Dad will let you?

Greg: I don’t know why not. One more term and I’ll be going to college and moving out anyway. I’m sure I could convince them.

Hank: Great.

(Bobby runs up the stairs. He continues making the beeping sound.)

Greg: You got yourself a roommate, Hank. I’m moving out.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Carol and Alice in the attic. Alice picks up a worn out tennis racket.)

Alice: I’ve heard of warped tennis rackets, but this is ridiculous.

Carol (laughing): I think that better go into the junk pile, Alice. I don’t think it’d get very much at the charity bizarre.

Alice: The bizarre is really gonna clean out this attic.

Carol: Well, I think we should just make a clean sweep. Either it goes to the bazaar or the junkyard.

Mike (calling): Carol!

Carol: We’re up here, honey.

(Mike comes up to the attic.)

Mike: What are you doing?

Carol: We’re getting things together for that sale I told you about.

Mike: Oh. (He looks around) What are you going to get rid of?

Carol: Everything. If it isn’t nailed down, it goes.

Mike: Aw. (He looks some more and finds an old hat and cane) Do you remember these? The old costume party?

Carol: Oh, yeah.

(Mike puts on the hat and twirls the cane around. He also makes a vaudevillian performance.)

Carol (hugging him): Oh, that is great, Mike. (He agrees) I didn’t know Humphrey Bogart could sing.

Mike: Thank you. You’re really gonna bet rid of all our memories?

Carol: No, the memories we’ll keep. It’s just the junk we’ll get rid of. Could you change your clothes and give us a hand?

Mike: Okay, but my heart ain’t in it.

Alice: It ain’t your heart we need, Mr. Brady, it’s your muscles.

Mike: Okay, be back in a flash.

(Mike is downstairs hanging up his work clothes and Greg comes in.)

Greg: Dad, can I see you for a minute?

Mike: Sure, come on in. (Greg comes in the room and shuts the door) What’s up?

Greg: You know Hank Carter, don’t you?

Mike: Yes, I do.

Greg: You think he’s a nice guy?

Mike: Very nice.

Greg: Hank started college this year.

Mike: Oh, he did.

Greg: You know his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Carter, don’t you think they’re nice people too?

Mike: Very nice indeed.

Greg: Well, I got a terrific opportunity with a nice guy like Hank who’s got such nice parents.

Mike: Yeah, what opportunity is that?

Greg: Like you once told me, always take advantage of a good opportunity.

Mike: What opportunity?

Greg: hank’s got his own apartment, and he’s looking for somebody to share the expenses. And it’s only gonna cost me half the food and half the rent.

Mike: Sorry, Greg, the answer is no.

Greg: Dad, I didn’t even ask the question.

Mike: Yeah, well, I heard you coming through loud and clear.

Greg: Dad, I’ll probably be moving out next year when I go away to college anyway. I’ll already have a place to stay.

Mike: Yeah, but that’s next year.

Greg: I really need the privacy, and a guy my age needs a room of his own. And I got Peter and Bobby in my hair all the time.

Mike: Greg, I understand what you’re saying and I agree with you. Believe me, I do. But the point is, Hank didn’t move away from home until he went to college. Let’s wait until you go to college.

Greg: Dad, living in there with Peter and Bobby is like a jail sentence.

Mike: Well, you can look on the brightside of it. In a few short months you’ll be paroled for good behavior.

(The next scene has the family in the attic. They are cleaning it out.)

Mike: Now, everything that goes to the charity bazaar goes in the station wagon, and everything else gets thrown out.

Carol: Okay, troops, start moving out.

(They all say charge and Bobby, Cindy and Peter take some things out. Jan discovers a maternity dress that’s several sizes too big.)

Jan: Wow, whose was this?

Carol: It was mine.

Jan (surprised): Yours? You must’ve really been a chubby.

Carol (laughing): I was. I was 8 months pregnant with you. (She helps Jan put it in a box with other things to take downstairs) Now be careful going down the stairs, okay?

(Alice finds another unusual piece of garment.)

Alice: Now, where did we get these?

Carol: Oh, I think they’re Mr. Brady’s.

Mike: Oh, I used those several years ago on that construction job up in Maine.

Alice: Well, I think they can go, the moths seemed to open up 2 or 3 extra trapdoors.

Carol: Okay, Alice.

(She takes them, among other things, down the stairs.)

Mike: Greg, give me a hand with this chest, will you?

Greg: Sure.

Mike (to Marcia): Honey, take my rubber duck.

(Greg and Mike take the chest downstairs. Carol puts a couple of things on top.)

Carol: Ah, just what i was waiting for. She puts an old hat on Mike’s head. She notices Marcia pondering about something) Marcia, honey, I think you better stop daydreaming. We have a lot of work to do.

Marcia: Hey, Mom. I was thinking. Once the attic gets cleaned out, it would make a great extra room.

Carol: Yeah, I guess it would.

Marcia: Could I use it? I really want a room of my own.

Carol (laughing): But Marcia, the walls aren’t finished, the floors are a mess.

Marcia: I can put posters up on the walls. and that big rug we used to have in the den.

Carol: But honey…

Marcia: Oh, please, Mom. When a girl gets to be my age, she really needs a room of her own.

Carol: But wouldn’t you feel all alone up here by yourself?

Marcia: But that’s the whole point. I’d have privacy. Please Mom, can I?

Carol: Well. (She puts her arm around her) If that’s what you really want.

Marcia (hugging her): Oh, great. Thanks, Mom.

(Meanwhile, Greg and Mike are outside in the backyard discussing the same thing.)

Greg: Now that it’s empty it would make a good room for me. Now look, I’d still be at home, but kind of on my own too.

Mike: That’s not a bad idea.

(Greg jumps down from the station wagon.)

Greg: Yeah, Peter and Bobby can have more room too. It would be great for all of us.

Mike: Right.

Greg: So could I have the attic?

Mike: I don’t see any reason why not.

Greg: Thanks, Dad. This is gonna work out great.

(Peter and Bobby come outside with boxes.)

Peter: What’s gonna work out great?

Greg: Oh, hey, listen, I got something I wanna tell you.

Bobby: What?

Greg: Well, first you better put down the boxes. (They put them down) I want you to know this is nothing personal. We’ve always been great pals, and I wanted it to stay that way.

Bobby: What do you want to tell us?

Greg: I don’t want this to upset you.

Peter: What is it?

Greg: Well, I’m gonna be moving out of our room up to the attic.

(Peter and Bobby look at each other with delight and they cheer, then run back in the house.)

Mike (tapping his shoulder): They’re really broken up about that.

(He gives him some playful punches then goes inside the house. he girls are moving Marcia’s things up to the attic.)

Marcia: Wow, isn’t this gonna be great?

Jan: Terrific.

Cindy: Marvelous.

Marcia: Well, isn’t it exciting?

Jan: Marcia (sarcastically): Hooray!

Marcia: Jan, what’s wrong with you?

Jan: Well…

Cindy: I’ll tell you, we’ll miss you.

Jan: I’ll give you my half of the closet if you won’t move out.

Marcia: Look, I’m gonna miss you too. But I’m only one flight up. You can come up anytime you want.

Jan: You mean you won’t mind?

Marcia: Of course not. I’m not trying to get rid of you.

Cindy: If we come up enough of the time (she puts her arms around Marcia and Jan) It’ll be like the three of us moved into the attic.

(They go downstairs and into their room, while the boys move some of Greg’s things into the attic.)

Greg: Just drop that over there. (Peter and Bobby drop the chest they are carrying) I didn’t mean drop it, I meant (he puts his desk down) put it down.

Peter: You said drop it (to Bobby) isn’t that what he said?

Bobby: That’s what he said. (Greg looks irritated) Greg, can we go now? We got a lot of our own stuff to move too, you know.

Greg: Okay, go ahead. (He notices the boxes of stuff that the girls brought up) Wait a minute, you guys, I thought you said the whole attic was cleaned out.

Peter: It was.

Greg: Then how did this stuff get up here?

Bobby: Search me.

(They leave and go downstairs. Marcia brings some books up to the attic. She notices Greg’s trunk.)

Marcia: I wonder how that stuff got up there.

(Greg comes up with his typewriter.)

Greg: Hi.

Marcia: Hi. What’s the typewriter for?

Greg: For typing? What’s in all those boxes?

Marcia: Books.

Greg: Thanks. Come on up anytime you want and read them.

Marcia: It’s very large of you to invite me up to my room.

Greg: Your room? It’s my room.

Marcia: Quit kidding. Mom promised it to me.

Greg: Dad promised it to me.

Marcia: Well, this is my room.

Greg: That’s your opinion.

Marcia: You bet it’s my opinion. It’s my room and I’m not budging.

Greg: And I say it’s my room n I’m not budging.

(They both sit on the trunk looking in opposite directions. The scene fades out.)

(The next scene has Carol and Mike in the attic trying to solve the issue.)

Mike: Now, you can’t sit there like that forever. Somebody’s gonna have to give up the attic.

Carol: I’m sorry, Marcia, I should’ve checked with your father first.

Mike: And I should’ve checked with your mother. But still…

Marcia: Well, well, I got it all planned out. (She rushes to the window) I’m gonna put a bed right here, and I’ll have a desk beside the window, and I got some lovely curtains picked out for the window too.

Greg: Well I got it planned out too. My bed is gonna go over here, and my desk is gonna go here, and I think I’ll put shutters on the window. Besides, I’m older.

Marcia: So what?

Greg: So I should get the room.

Mike: All right, hold it, hold it, you’re not gonna solve anything by arguing.

Carol: Right.

Greg: Well then, who gets the attic?

Mike: Well, I think there’s only one way that’s fair and logical.

Marcia: What?

Mike: Greg is a year older, he’s gonna be going away to college next year. And I think it’s fair for now.

(Marcia gets upset.)

Greg: Yeah, I think that’s fair.

Marcia: Not to me.

Carol: Marcia.

Marcia: Mother.

Carol: I have to agree with your father. Look, next year the room will be yours anyway.

Mike: Right, honey, and then after you comes Peter and Jan and all the rest. That way it’s fair to everybody.

Marcia: Except for me. Why should I be penalized for being born a year too late. I’m sick and tired of being second around here.

(She leaves the attic, very upset.)

Carol (to Greg): Don’t say a word.

(That evening, Mike and Carol go out.)

Carol: Mike, if I weren’t on that bizarre committee, I think I’d skip going out tonight.

Mike: Yeah, why?

Carol: Marcia was so upset about not getting the attic, I just have a funny feeling she and Greg are gonna have a big blowup.

Mike: Honey, she’s adult enough to accept our decision. Believe me, things are gonna be fine.

(Marcia is sulking in her bedroom. Greg knocks on the door.)

Greg: Marcia.

Marcia: Go away.

Greg: Marcia.

Marcia: I said go away!

Greg: Not until I see you.

(She gets up and opens the door.)

Marcia: You seen me, now go away!

(She shuts the door and he opens it and enters the room.)

Greg: Marcia, I just wanted to give you this album. You left it in the attic.

Marcia (sarcastically): You’re all heart.

Greg: Look, I know how you feel, and I can’t blame you. But I honestly think Mom and Dad made the fair decision.

Marcia: I’ll bet you do. you got the room and I don’t. And I need it more than you do.

Greg: What’s that supposed to mean?

Marcia: Well, a girl needs more space. There’s never any room in the closet, or my drawers. And I can’t even use my hair dryer when I want to.

Greg: It’s just as crowded for me with the guys.

Marcia: Besides, I wanted to have a slumber party tonight and invite 6 of my friends over, in my own attic room.

Greg: Great! I’ve got some new pajamas I can wear.

(She starts laughing and Marcia gets very upset.)

Marcia (crying): Go ahead, make jokes, see if I care.

Greg: Hey, wait a minute. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I didn’t realize the room meant that much to you.

Marcia: Well, it does.

(Greg has a change of heart.)

Greg: Hey, Marcia, I’ll probably be leaving soon for college. Why don’t you take the room.

Marcia: You’re just saying that because I’m sitting here blubbering like an idiot.

Greg: No, no, I want you to have it. It’s got nothing to do with you being a blubbering idiot.

Marcia: Honest?

Greg: Honest.

(She wraps her arms around him. He hugs him and kisses his cheek.)

Marcia: Thanks Greg, you’re the greatest brother a girl can have.

(Meanwhile, Peter and Bobby come into their room.)

Peter: Well, Greg’s all moved in. Now we can start moving our stuff around, in our own room.

Bobby: Yeah, tomorrow, I’m all pooped out.

(Greg comes in.)

Greg: Hey, guys, I gotta talk to you.

Peter: Greg, your bed in the attic is gonna be great.

Bobby: Yeah, we have all your junk up there now.

Greg: Thanks, now you can help me haul it back into our room.

Peter: Our room?

Greg: Our room.

Bobby (to Peter): He must have banged his head on the rafter.

Greg: Marcia’s getting the attic.

Bobby (surprised): Marcia? Mom and Dad gave it to you.

Greg: I know, and I gave it to Marcia.

Peter: What’s going on around here?

Greg: I’ll tell you what’s going on around here. You two guys are gonna help me move my stuff back to our room. That’s what’s going on around here.

(Next, we see Cindy and Jan bringing some of Marcia’s stuff up to the attic. Peter and Bobby are taking Greg’s things down. Later, Bobby and Peter are taking Greg’s bed downstairs and Alice catches them.)

Alice: Hey, that’s Greg’s mattress, isn’t it?

Bobby: Yeah, we’re moving Greg out of the attic.

Alice: Oh. (the guys drop the mattress and they fall) I thought you just moved him in.

Peter: That’s right.

Alice: Then what’s going on around here?

Peter: I’ll tell you what’s going on around here. Marcia’s moving in, Greg’s moving out, and we’re doing all the work. That’s what going on around here.

(They pick the mattress up and bring it into their room. They rest right on top of it.)

Bobby: Boy, am I beat. Greg can move the rest of his stuff down himself.

Peter: Yeah, I wonder why he chickened out and let Marcia have the attic.

Bobby: Marcia probably pulled all that mushy girl stuff on him. (dramatic) Oh, Greg, please give me the attic. Boo hoo hoo hoo.

Peter: All I know is we got him back.

Bobby: Hey, maybe if we talk to Greg, we can get him to change his mind.

Peter: No way.

Bobby: Then how about talking to Marcia.

Peter: Why should she quit while she’s ahead? And what could we possibly say to her?

Bobby: Well, for one thing, we can tell her how rough it is climbing up and down the stairs. We oughtta know.

Peter: Yeah, the stairs. You know something, for a little guy, you just came up with a big idea.

(He gives Bobby a playful slap on the stomach. We bring you up to the attic, where Marcia is preparing for bed. We hear the phone ring.)

Bobby (calling): Marcia, telephone for you.

Marcia: Okay, coming.

(She goes down the stairs to take the call. Peter is down there.)

Marcia: Who is it?

Peter: Your girlfriend, Susie.

Marcia: Thanks. (She goes to take the call) Hello, hello. (She doesn’t get an answer) Hello. That’s funny, she hung up. Well, it couldn’t have been too important.

Peter: I guess not.

(Marcia goes back upstairs to the attic. By the time she gets there, the phone rings again. It’s Peter’s friend, Charlie.)

Peter (answering): Thanks, Charlie.

(Bobby is at the top of the stairs and Peter gives him the okay sign. He goes up into her attic room.)

Bobby: Marcia.

Marcia: Yeah.

Bobby: Phone for you.

Marcia: Again?

Bobby: Yeah.

(She goes back downstairs.)

Marcia: Who is it?

Peter; Your friend, Katie.

Marcia: Oh, good, thanks. (She goes to answer) Katie, hello, hello. (He hangs up) She hung up too. Can’t anybody wait till you get to the phone, it’s so annoying.

Peter (quietly): I bet it’s annoying.

(He laughs to himself and Marcia heads back into the room.)

Bobby (calling): Marcia.

Marcia: Yeah.

Bobby: Telephone again.

Marcia: Oh, no. (She goes back downstairs) Who is it this time?

Peter: Linda.

Marcia (answering): Hello, Linda, Linda, Linda. (She hangs up) You know something, Peter, I’m getting tired of this. This is really beginning to bug me.

Peter: No wonder. (The phone rings again) I’ll get it.

Marcia: No, I’ll get it. (She answers) Hello, Linda?

Peter: Oh, I just remembered, I have some homework I have to do.

Marcia (on the phone): Hey, Linda, why did you just call and hang up? You didn’t call? You’re studying with Katie. I’m beginning to smell a rat around here.

(Cut to the boys’ room, Marcia accuses Greg of the harassing phone calls.)

Greg: You got to be kidding. Why would I do a dumb thing like that?

Marcia: To bug me. So maybe I’d give up the attic and appear exhaustion.

Greg: That’s ridiculous. If I were to do that, why would I give you the room in the first place?

Marcia: How should I know? Maybe you changed your mind and didn’t have the nerve to tell me.

Greg: You don’t really believe that.

Marcia: Well, who else would want me out of the attic.

(Bobby taps Peter and they start to leave. Greg catches them.)

Greg: I’ll bet I know. All right you two, start flapping your gums.

Peter: It was us, Greg didn’t have anything to do with it.

Greg: There.

Bobby: We’re sorry, Marcia.

Peter: We just wanted this room for ourselves.

Marcia: Well. ( she starts to smile) I guess I can understand that. We all wanted our own room.

Peter: Then you’re not sore at us?

Marcia: No.

Bobby: Wow, I’d be furious.

Greg: That just proves Marcia is more mature, that’s all. You guys were just thinking about yourselves.

Marcia: I guess I was, too, Greg.

Greg: What do you mean?

Marcia: Well, about the attic. Mom and Dad were right. You’ll probably go to college next year and then, I’ll get my turn.

Greg: You mean you want me to have the attic now?

Marcia: I really do.

(Peter and Bobby move Greg’s bed back up to the attic and run into Alice agin.)

Alice: What are you doing now?

Peter: Moving Greg’s stuff to the attic.

Alice: You just moved him out of the attic, didn’t you?

Bobby: That’s right.

Alice: Well, why, what’s going on now.

Bobby: Well…

Alice: On second thought, don’t tell me. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing and ignorance is bliss.

(Late that night, Carol and Mike return home form the charity bazaar.)

Mike: I was telling John how great I thought the bazaar was, and he was telling me the Dittmeyer’s junk didn’t bring in near as much money as our junk did.

Carol: Well, I sure am glad to be home. All evening long I had this terrible feeling there was gonna be trouble over that attic.

Mike: Oh, honey, you and your woman’s intuition. I’ll bet none of them gave it a second thought.

Carol: I hope so.

(They go upstairs and look in the girls’ room. All three girls are fast asleep. Then they look in the boys’ room. Peter and Bobby separated their bunk beds. Mike picks up Peter’s robe, which fell to the floor. They go up to the attic, where Greg is sleeping.)

Carol: You were right. None of them gave it a second thought.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Cindy in the kitchen, writing on the blackboard.)

Cindy: 1975, terrible.

Alice: What’s terrible?

Cindy: Mom and Dad said we’d all have a turn to live in the attic by ourselves.

Alice: Is that terrible?

Cindy: No, that’s not the terrible part.

Alice: Then what is the terrible part?

Cindy: See, first, Greg gets the room, then Marcia, then Peter and Jan and Bobby.

Alice: Yeah.

Cindy: Then comes the terrible part. By the time I get to use the room, it’ll be almost the year 2000.

Alice: That is terrible.

(Cindy puts a X over the years on the blackboard.)


S4 E22 You Can’t Win ‘Em All

You Can’t Win ‘Em All

Written by Lois Hire

Cindy and Bobby are selected to take a test to appear on a television brain quiz. Cindy passes but then develops an attitude about it. I hope you like the script.











MONTY MARSHALL, host of children’s quiz show

5 boys and girls on show

(The episode begins with Cindy coming home in a happy mood. She hops around the doghouse while Carol and Alice are inside putting some groceries away.)

Carol: Alice, how come we buy the same things every week?

Alice: I think because we have the same kids every week.

(Cindy comes running in.)

Cindy: Mother, Alice.

Alice: Hi.

Cindy; Guess what happened at school today?

Carol: What?

Cindy: I was picked out of all the kids in school to be on a television show.

Carol: On a television show?

Cindy: Yeah, the one called Question the Kid.

Carol: Oh, that’s the one where kids from different schools compete against one another.

Cindy: Right.

Carol: Oh, that’s wonderful, sweetheart.

Alice: Congratulations, Cindy. When are you going to be on TV?

Cindy: Well, I’m not sure I’m gonna be on television, but I got picked.

Carol: You got picked to do what?

Cindy: Well, you see, there are different tests for different grades. And I got picked to take the test for my grade to see who gets picked to be on television.

Carol (hugging her): Well, that’s still terrific honey.

Bobby (coming in): Big deal. I got picked too, for my grade.

Carol: Both of you got picked?

Alice: That’s terrific.

Carol: Boy, we really got some brains in this family, huh, Alice?

Alice: Yeah, two eggheads in the same nest.

Bobby: Lots of kids get picked to take the test, but only four get to be on television.

Cindy: We’ll have to study real hard, or we won’t even have a chance to win.

Bobby: It’ll be a cinch, for me, anyway.

(He takes a bite out of an apple he took from the refrigerator. He and Cindy leave.)

Carol: Too bad Bobby’s suffering from a lack of confidence, isn’t it.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Bobby outside in the backyard putting up an Indian teepee. Cindy comes over to him.)

Cindy: Hey, Bobby, I got a great idea.

Bobby: What?

Cindy: We both have to take a test to be on a television show, so why don’t we study together.

Bobby: I haven’t got time.

Cindy: Why not?

Bobby: I’m busy. I’m building a real Indian teepee, like I saw in the movies.

Cindy: What’s so important about building an old teepee?

Bobby: Just ask any old Indian?

(Cindy ignores the comment and walks off. Next, Cindy is in her room studying and her sisters come in.)

Jan (to Marcia): I got to wash my hair today. Awful.

Marcia: I got to study my French. Many of it sounds like pig Latin.

Cindy: Jan, would you help me study?

Jan: I’m sorry, Cindy, I can’t. I got to wash my hair.

Cindy: Can’t you wash it tomorrow?

Jan: What? And take a chance to have it oily follicled?

Cindy: Would you help me study, Marcia?

Marcia: I can’t, Cindy. I got to study this French vocabulary.

Cindy: Then I guess I might as well forget about being on television.

(Jan and Marcia become surprised.)

Jan: You mean you made it?

Marcia: You mean you got picked to take the television test we were talking about?

Cindy: Yeah.

Jan: Well, sure we’ll help you.

Cindy: You will?

Marcia: Sure.

Jan (pointing at two books Cindy has): Gee, you have to learn both those big books?

Cindy: Oh, no. (She takes a few more books out form underneath her bed) All these too.

(Bobby is still working on his teepee and Greg and Peter come by.)

Greg: Hey, Bobby, aren’t you supposed to be studying?

Bobby: What for?

Peter: That test for the television show. Don’t you want to be on TV?

Bobby: Sure, but I know all that stuff.

Greg: Cindy’s really studying for her test.

Bobby: Maybe I’m smarter than she is.

Peter: You’re not too smart about putting up a teepee.

Greg: Come on, let’s help.

(They try to join Bobby in putting it up.)

Bobby: Hold it, I know all about putting up one of these.

Greg (sarcastically): Well, listen to Big Chief Know it all.

(Greg and Peter walk away to play basketball.)

Greg (to Peter): You start.

(They start to play as we cut inside to Carol, who’s on the phone.)

Carol: Uh-huh, just you, the Swansons and the Clarks. No, no, no, just wear something casual. Mike’s gonna barbecue. Okay, right, on Saturday the 3rd. Okay, bye.

(She hangs up and we go back inside, where Bobby finished.)

Bobby: Hey, you guys. Look.

(They rush over to check out the job he did on building the teepee.)

Peter: Wow!

Greg: Not bad!

Bobby: See, I told you, I can do it all by myself. (Suddenly, the teepee collapses) Hey!

(The guys make fun of him. Next, Mike is cleaning the grill with Alice’s help.)

Mike: Hey, Alice, I think the solution is finally getting the rust off the barbecue.

Alice: The Watsons just got some special stuff that I sprayed off the grill and ate the rust right away.

Mike: Well, why don’t we use that.

Alice: Because it ate the grill too.

(Carol comes out.)

Carol: Mike, I just talked to the Clarks and the Bernsteins and they said the 3rd will be just great.

Mike: Hey, good, oh listen, I forgot to tell you I ran into Ross Allen and Don Metzger and they heard about the party from Chuck Swanson so I had to invite them too.

Carol: But, honey, if we invite the Allens and the Metzgers, then we’re gonna have to invite the Kauffmans and the Burkes.

Mike: Well, we’ll ask them too.

Carol: Steaks for 14 people?

Mike: Then I can take a loan on the house.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, why don’t we have a Mexican dinner. It costs a lot less.

Carol: Hey, Alice, that sounds like a great idea.

Mike: Listen, I thought you wanted me to barbecue.

Alice: I got some great Mexican recipes. They come in three degrees, hot, super hot, and, pass the fire extinguisher.

Carol: I think hot will be hot enough. I’ll bet that pass the fire extinguisher one is really something special.

Alice: Automatically makes you a Mexican citizen.

(They laugh and Carol and Alice go inside. Alice shows Carol some recipes. Mike is left outside alone.)

Mike (calling): Carol.

Carol (stopping): Yeah?

Mike: What about my barbecue?

Carol: Oh, it looks just terrific. Adios.

(Mike repeats to himself sarcastically how terrific she thinks it is. He accidentally gets rust on his face.)

(Cut to the boys’ room, Greg and Peter are tutoring Cindy for the test.)

Greg (looking in a book): Ah hah, here’s one. Who gave the famous speech that started, four score and seven years ago?

Cindy: Abraham Lincoln.

Greg: That’s right.

Peter: I’m gonna give you one to test your logic. So listen real carefully, it’s tricky.

Cindy: Okay.

Peter: You’re a bus driver, and the bus is empty. At your first stop, 10 people get on. At your second stop, nine people get off but two more get on. Okay?

Cindy: Okay?

Peter: Okay, at your next stop, two people get on, and four people get off. You got that?

Cindy: Got it.

Peter: Okay, now here’s your question. What’s the name of the bus driver?

Cindy: The name of the bus driver?

Peter: Yeah.

Cindy: How should I know?

Peter: Cindy Brady. I said you were the bus driver. I told you it was tricky.

Cindy: That was real tricky.

Greg: Okay, here’s another one, Cindy. Let’s see if you can get this. It’s tricky now, you ready?

Cindy: I’m ready.

Greg: There’s a rooster and he’s sitting on top of a house, and it has a slanted roof. Now, when he lays an egg, which side will it roll off?

Cindy: It won’t roll off at all, because roosters don’t lay eggs.

Greg (laughing): That’s right.

Peter: That’s using logic.

(The next morning, Mike and Carol are in the kitchen with Alice.)

Alice: Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Yeah.

Alice: I found that magazine with the recipes in it.

Carol: Good, we can get started on our smorgasbord menu.

Mike: What smorgasbord menu?

Carol: For our party on the 10th?

Mike: We’re having our party on the 3rd.

Carol: Oh, didn’t I tell you? The Kauffmans and the Burkes couldn’t make it on the 3rd so we switched it to the 10th.

Mike: What about all that Mexican food?

Carol: Oh, honey, you see, the Swansons and the Allens have guests that weekend, and the Metzger’s uncle is visiting them from Seattle. So, they have to bring them along and it’s too many people for a sit down dinner.

Alice: So, instead of Mexican dinner on the 3rd, we’re gonna have smorgasbord on the 10th.

Carol: Right.

Mike: We not only change dates, we change continents.

(Bobby and Cindy come out, ready for school.)

Mike: Oh, that’s right. Today is the day of the TV test, isn’t it?

Bobby: I got it down cold.

Mike: Yeah, good luck.

Carol: Good luck, honey. (she turns to Cindy) How about you, Cindy? Are you ready for it?

Cindy: Well, I’ll just try to do my best.

Carol: Well, honey, that’s all any of us can do. (She kisses her) Good-bye.

(Cindy kisses Mike good bye.)

Mike: Good luck. (Cindy leaves and Mike starts mumbling to himself) I don’t understand what happened, we got smorgasbord, when we have 40 pounds of Mexican food. The party on the 3rd is on the10th. I wonder how this happened.

(Later on, Alice and Carol are studying all kinds of recipes.)

Carol: Find anytihng interesting for our smorgasbord, Alice?

Alice: Nothing I can pronounce.

Carol: Here’s one that sounds good but it’s complicated. I don’t know if you can make it. It’s a recipe for (smor catula).

Alice: If you can say it, I can make it.

Carol: Here’s some more. Here’s (ravor rag toush), (parish torche), (shmore steak) and an old stand-by (friccadella).

NOTE: If anybody can give me the proper spelling of these dishes, please, I would really appreciate it.

Alice: Such language, I’m glad the children aren’t around.

Carol: I can’t wait to see how this dinner turns out.

Alice: I got some more recipes in that magazine in my room. I’ll get it.

Carol: Okay.

(She gets up and then Cindy comes home.)

Cindy: Mom, Mom, I won, I won, I’m gonna be on television!

Carol: Oh, sweetheart, I’m so proud of you.

Cindy: Me too.

Carol: How did Bobby do?

Cindy: I didn’t even wait to find out. I wanted to come home and tell you about me.

Carol: Oh, congratulations, honey. Why don’t you tell Alice the news. She’s in her room.

(Cindy rushes to see Alice and then Bobby comes in.)

Bobby: Hi.

Carol: Hi. (He starts to pass by her) Hey, come here. How did you do on the test?

Bobby: I got wiped out?

Carol: Aww, I’m sorry, honey.

Bobby: It was a tough test.

Carol: Really tough, huh?

Bobby: It was so tough, lots of guys didn’t make it.

Carol: Let’s face it chump, you didn’t make it because you didn’t study.

Bobby: Well, maybe not too much.

Carol: Yeah, maybe not at all.

Bobby: I guess.

(He walks through the kitchen and sees Cindy. She’s coming out of Alice’s room.)

Cindy: Bobby. You’re gonna be on the television show with me, aren’t you?

Bobby: You mean you won?

Cindy: Sure, didn’t you?

Bobby: No. It was a tough test.

Cindy: Tough? It was easy for me. I guess I’m just smarter than you are.

(She walks away with her nose stuck in the air. The scene fades away.)

(The next scene has Mike coming home. He sees Bobby in his teepee.)

Mike: How?

Bobby: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Well, I heard of a tribe named Blackfoot, never heard of a tribe named sneakerfoot. (Bobby comes out of the teepee) You did a nice job on your teepee.

Bobby: Yeah, better job than I did on that test.

Mike: Well, cheer up, it’s not the end of the world.

Bobby: I guess I was a real dummy for not studying.

Mike: Yeah, well, never make a mistake, never learn a lesson.

Bobby: I guess so.

Mike: Yeah, it’s all water under the bridge. Okay, chief. (He puts his hand up and so does Bobby) How.

Bobby: How.

(Mike goes inside and Cindy comes by.)

Bobby: Hey, Cindy, you want to play in the teepee.

Cindy (snobbishly): Don’t be silly.

Bobby: What’s silly about it?

Cindy: I might get dirty.

Bobby: So what?

Cindy: Television stars don’t play in teepees, and they don’t get dirty.

Bobby: Who’s the television star?

Cindy: I am, that’s who.

(She goes inside and Bobby makes a face. Alice is in the kitchen making dinner.)

Alice: Hi, Cindy, wanna lick the bowl.

Cindy: No thanks, it’s not ladylike.

Alice: Ladylike?

Cindy: Yes. What are we having for dinner?

Alice: Swiss steak and spaghetti.

Cindy: Not me.

Alice: Honey, those are two of your favorites.

Cindy: Not anymore they’re not, they’re rich and fattening.

Alice: Sure, all that good stuff is.

Cindy: Just fix me a small salad please.

(She starts walking away.)

Alice: Wait a second, do you mind telling me why the special diet?

Cindy: A star can’t go on television all fat and broken out.

(She leaves and Alice gives a confused look. Cut to the boys’ room. Greg is on his bed reading and Peter comes in. Cindy is in the bathroom, playing with her hair.)

Peter: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Peter: Cindy’s at it again.

Greg: She’s been in there an hour. (He mimics Cindy) When you’re a TV star, your hair has to be just right.

Peter: How many ways can there be to fix hair?

Greg: She’s tried everything but an Afro.

Peter: If she keeps this up, she won’t have to worry about her hair on TV, she’ll be bald.

(They laugh as Cindy goes into her room, where Marcia and Jan are studying.)

Cindy: I was wondering, do you think I have to have my ears pierced?

Marcia: Cindy, the last thing you need is two more holes in your head.

(Cindy goes over to the closet and takes a few dresses out.)

Jan: Oh, no.

Marcia: Cindy, not again.

Cindy: I have to make sure I wear just the right thing on television, don’t I?

(She places the dresses on her bed.)

Jan: But Cindy, you already tried these dresses on umpteen times.

Cindy: So, I don’t know which one goes best with my hair and my eyes.

Jan: Cindy, you’re really getting to be a drag.

Marcia: You’re acting as if it was a beauty contest instead of a brain quiz.

Jan: Okay then, name me one big television star who isn’t worried about the way she looks.

Jan: Lassie.

Cindy (putting her hands up): Arf, arf.

(Marcia and Jan leave the room as Mike and Carol come in with several bags of groceries.)

Mike: Well, (he places a few on the table) 6 shopping carts full. I think that’s a new record.

Carol: Yeah. (She puts some more bags down on the pantry) But you got to admit, this smorgasbord was a pretty good idea. We got enough food to feed all our friends, their relatives, their houseguests, plus any last minute drop-ins.

Mike: Even their drop-ins can bring their drop-ins.

(Alice comes out.)

Seems you got plenty of smorgis for the bord.

Mike: They’re still more smorgis in the car.

Carol: Hey Alice, were there any calls while we were out?

Alice: Just one. The school called to give you the date of Cindy’s television show.

Cindy: Oh, good.

Mike: When is it?

Alice: I’ll give you a hint. You’re gonna be eating this stuff a long, long time.

Carol: Alice, you don’t mean.

Alice: I do mean.

Mike: No, no, no, no, no.

Alice: Yes, yes, yes.

Carol (annoyed): Naturally, the 10th. The night of our party.

Alice: I’ll get the rest of the stuff out of the car.

Mike (dramatically): You know, I don’t believe it. First, we were gonna invite a few friends over for a barbecued steaks. Then we change to a Mexican dinner so we can invite more people. So I cancel the steaks, I run all over town in search of authentic Mexican food. (He gets more dramatic as he goes on) Then, we switch to a smorgasbord so we can have friends and friends of friends and uncles and relatives and assorted drop-ins. But now, I have got enough Mexican food to fed every guitar player in Guatemala. And, I corner the market on haring. Now, I find out that we are having a party on the 10th for 26 people on the 10th and the only people who are not gonna be here are us.

(Carol claps.)

Carol: That was a wonderful silhouette. Are you finished?

Mike: Yes.

Carol: Maybe you better go help Alice get the rest of the things out of the car. (He goes outside) Poor dear.

(Marcia and Jan come downstairs.)

Marcia: Mom, we’re gonna study in the family room.

Carol: Oh, what’s wrong with your own room?

Jan: It’s too full of Cindy (she flashes her hair) the television star.

Marcia: She has her clothes scattered all over and she never stops talking about being on television.

(Meanwhile, Cindy is upstairs trying on earrings. Carol comes in to speak to her.)

Cindy: How do you think these look, Mom?

Carol: Terrible. You are much too young to be wearing Marcia’s earrings. I can see now why Marcia and Jan are complaining.

Cindy: They’re just jealous.

Carol: They are not jealous, and they’re not the only ones complainng.

Cindy: If you mean Bobby, he’s just mad because he was too dumb to win.

Carol: Listen, sweetheart, Bobby is not dumb. He didn’t win it’s just because he didn’t study.

Cindy: Well, that’s dumb. Besides, he’s a bad loser.

Carol: It seems to me that you’re a bad winner. You know, you shouldn’t put down a loser, Cindy, because you might be one yourself someday. (He touches her chin to make her look up) Just remember that.

(She leaves and Cindy tries the earrings on again. Next, she is getting ready to leave for the show.)

Cindy (to Jan and Marcia): Don’t you want to come watch me be on television?

Marcia: No, thanks.

Jan: I’ve had you and TV up to here.

(Pointing to her chin.)

Cindy: Okay then, you’re gonna miss all the excitement.

Marcia (sarcastically): We’ll try to live through it.

Cindy (leaving the room): I never thought my own sisters would be so jealous.

Jan (to Marcia): She’s got a size 10 body and a size 24 head.

(Next, she goes in to see the boys.)

Cindy: I’m leaving for the show now.

Bobby: Hooray.

(She goes over to Greg and Peter. They are playing checkers.)

Cindy: Would you boys like to be the first to get my autograph?

Peter (laughing): Autograph?

Greg (sarcastically): I’m afraid that’s just too big an honor for us, Cindy.

Cindy: Okay, you had your chance.

(Meanwhile, Mike and Carol are downstairs waiting.)

Carol (calling): Cindy, will you please come on?

Mike: It’s time to leave.

(Alice comes out of the den.)

Alice: You folks all set to go?

Carol: Yeah, hey, Alice, will you try to get the kids to watch Cindy on television?

Mike: Cindy!

Cindy (coming down the stairs): I’m coming, I’m coming.

Alice: Good luck, honey.

Cindy: Do you think this dress will look good on color TV? Maybe I better wear my blue one.

(She starts going up the stairs. Her parents stop her and they leave.)

Carol: Good-bye, Alice.

Alice: Good-bye.

(We take you to the studio. Monty Marshall, the host, is talking to Cindy and all the other kids.)

Marshall: Now, don’t forget, kids. When this little red light goes on, we’re on the air, and we’ll be in everybody’s living room. Now, does everybody have their thinking caps on?

Kids: Yes, sir.

Marshall: Good, take your places.

(Back home, Alice is turning the TV on and all the kids come into the living room.)

Alice: I was just about to call you kids.

Marcia: Alice, we wouldn’t miss Cindy for anything.

Alice: That’s what I call real family spirit.

Bobby: We want to see the smarty pants fall right on her big fat head.

Jan: Yeah, we can’t wait to see her bomb.

Alice: Like I said, real family spirit.

(Bobby goes to adjust the sound.)

Greg: Hey Bobby, turn it up, will you?

(Cut back to the show.)

Marshall: The questions I’ll be asking are based on your regular school test. So when you know the answer, just raise your hand. and remember, when that little red camera goes on, we’re on the air.

(They wait in anticipation for the camera to turn on. As soon as it does, Cindy just sits there and stares.)

Marshall: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the question the kid show. I’m Monty Marshall, your quizmaster, and tonight, it’s Clinton grammar school vs. Woodside, and may the better team win. (Cindy is still sitting there staring) Now, here’s your first question. listen very carefully. Four score and seven years ago, is the beginning of what speech? (A student from Woodside raises his hand) Woodside.

Woodside student: Lincoln’s Gettysburg address.

Marshall: That’s right. How was the word swiftly used in the following sentence? The boy ran swiftly. (One of Cindy’s teammates raises her hand) Clinton.

Clinton student: As an adverb.

Marshall: that’s right.

(Mike and Carol notice Cindy from the audience.)

Carol: What’s the matter with Cindy?

Mike: She’s staring at the camera, she’s got television itis.

Marshall: Spell the word thoroughfare. (A student from Woodside raises her hand) Woodside.

Woodside student #2: t-h-o-r-o-u-g-h-f-a-r-e.

Marshall: That’s right.

(Alice and the kids start to worry.)

Marcia: What’s wrong with Cindy?

Greg: She’s not even raising her hand.

Bobby: Talk about dumb.

Jan: She knows all those answers by heart.

Peter: Then why isn’t she answering them?

Marshall: Now, name the last two states to join the union.

Jan: How come Cindy just sits there?

Peter: She looks scared.

Alice: Come on, Cindy, loosen up.

Marshall: Woodside.

Woodside student #3: Alaska and Hawaii.

Marshall: Right.

Marcia: Oh, she knew that.

Marshall: Now, name the capitol of Louisiana.

Bobby: Come on, Cindy, I know you know this one.

Jan: Come on, Cindy, raise your hand.

Marcia: Cindy, you know it, Baton Rouge, Baton Rouge.

Marshall: Woodside.

Woodside student #1: Baton Rouge.

Marshall: That’s correct. Now, how many pecks are in a bushel. (a teammate of Cindy’s raises his hand) Clinton.

Clinton student #2: Four.

Marshall: Right.

(An embarrassed Cindy returns home later with her parents.)

Cindy: I don’t want to see anybody. They’ll all make fun of me.

Mike: It’s not gonna get any easier later.

(All the other kids and Alice come out and praise Cindy.)

Jan: You looked terrific.

Peter: Especially your hair.

Marcia: Your dress was fantastic.

Alice: You were the prettiest girl there.

Greg: Yeah, we all thought so.

Cindy (upset): I didn’t answer a single question. I was a real dumb dumb.

Bobby: Cindy, Cindy, I was the dumb dumb. I didn’t even pass the test. You studied and you got on TV.

Cindy: Bobby, you’re a terrific brother.

(She kisses his cheek and goes upstairs, much to Bobby’s dismay.)

Bobby (bitterly): Women, one nice word and you get all wet!

(They all laugh.)

Carol: Poor baby.

(She hugs him and the rest of the family comforts him. The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike is in his den. Carol comes in.)

Carol: Well, honey, I got it all worked out.

Mike: Yeah, what’s that?

Carol: Well, I called the Swansons, the Bernsteins, the Clarks, the Kauffmans, the Burkes, the Metzgers and the Allens. It took a lot of juggling but theyThe 24th, huh?

Carol: Yep, thta’s when we’re gonna have the party.

Mike: Great, I’ll phone you. Let me know if you’re having a good time.

Carol: What do you mean you’ll phone me?

Mike: Because that’s the weekend I’ll be out of town for the convention, remember?

Carol: Catch me.

(She faints into Mike’s arms.)


S4 E21 You’re Never Too Old

You’re Never Too Old

Written by Ben Gershman and Bill Freedman

Carol’s grandmother comes to visit and the kids set her up with Mike’s grandfather. I hope you enjoy the script.












GREAT GRANDPA HANK BRADY, Mike’s grandfather

The episode begins with Alice straightening up the living room. Marcia and Jan are coming home from school. They put their books on the table but Alice stops them.)

Alice: Ah, ah, ah, messing up the house today is a no-no. Surprise visitor coming.

Jan: Who?

Alice: Your mother’s grandmother from Kentucky.

Marcia (excited): Great-Grandma Hutchins?

Jan: Oh, terrific.

(They attempt to put their books down on the table but Alice stops them.)

Alice: Your Mom and Dad went to the airport to pick her up.

Marcia: Oh, I can’t wait. It’s been years since we’ve seen her.

Jan: Wait till you meet her. You’ll love Great Grandma Hutchins.

Alice: I’m sure I will. She must be an old lady by now.

Jan: Old? Somehow I never think of her as old.

Marcia: Me either. She’s got so much go, go, go.

Alice: Well, if you haven’t seen her for years, don’t be surprised if some of her go, go, go is gone, gone, gone.

(Mrs. Hutchins walks in.)

Great Grandma: What kind of welcome is this? Where’s the brass band?

(Marcia and Jan get excited and throw their books in Alice’s arms to run over and greet her.)

Marcia and Jan: Oh, Great Grandma Hutchins.

(They give her big hugs.)

Great Grandma: Oh, you precious kitties, you look beautiful. And that’s without my specs.

(Carol and Mike follow her in.)

Mike: Oh, come on, Grandma, for God’s sakes, don’t spoil them.

(They see Alice holding the girls’ books.)

Carol: Alice, I’d like you to meet the pride of Owensboro, Kentucky. The one and only Connie Hutchins.

Great Grandma: Put it there, Alice.

(She shakes her hand.)

Alice: I’m glad to meet you, Mrs. Hutchins. I heard a lot about you.

Great Grandma: Lies, all lies, unless, of course, it was something nice.

Carol: Grandma, wouldn’t you like to freshen up a bit after your trip.

Great Grandma: Well, that’s mighty kind of you.

Mike: Well, I’m sorry we can’t have dinner with you tonight, Grandma.

Carol: Oh, yes, we really are.

Mike: Like I said, you caught us by surprise and we had that dinner date with my boss for a week.

Great Grandma: Well, don’t you worry about that, honey. It’ll just give me more time to get to know these precious children better.

(Mike and Carol smile.)

Alice (to the girls): Here, kids, take your books. I’ll show Mrs. Hutchins where she’s gonna stay.

(Alice shows her to her room and the girls go upstairs.)

Mike: What a gal. How come a woman like that never got married again?

Carol: I guess at her age, a good man is hard to find.

Mike: Listen, at any age a good man is hard to find.

Carol: Yeah, don’t I know it.

Mike: I’m gonna tell Grandma on you.

(They laugh. Marcia and Jan are still on the stairs.)

Marcia: Did you hear that?

Jan: What?

Marcia: About a good man. I know a man who would make a wonderful husband for Grandma, and he’s not hard to find.

Jan: Who?

Marcia: Dad’s grandfather, Great Grandpa Brady.

Jan: Right.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Marcia and Jan running to answer the door. It’s great Grandpa Brady.)

Marcia: Hi, Grandpa. (They give him hugs.) It’s so good to see you.

Great Grandpa: It’s always a pleasure to help out my great-granddaughters.

Marcia: Oh, Grandpa, about that term paper, I found what I needed in my civics book so, I’m sorry I bothered you.

Jan: But we’re glad you’r ehere anyway because they’re a visitor we want you to meet.

Great Grandpa: Oh.

Jan: Our great-grandmother from Kentucky.

Great Grandpa: Oh.

Jan: She’s really with it.

Marcia: And far out.

Great Grandpa (disgusted): With it? Far out? Children nowadays seem to have trouble expressing themselves with words from the English language.

Jan: That’s modern English, Grandpa.

Great Grandpa: Modern, perhaps, English, no.

(They take him into the living room and Alice comes out.)

Alice: Hi, Judge Brady.

Great Grandpa: Good afternoon, Alice.

Alice: How have you been?

Judge Brady: Oh, splendid, thank you. But as Pliny the Elder said to Seneca when they met in the forum, omne ignotum, pro magnifico.

(He laughs and so does Alice.)

Alice: Oh, that plimy really knew where his head was at.

(Outside, the boys are playing basketball with Great Grandma coaching. Bobby goes to take a shot but Greg and Peter stop him. She whistles.)

Great Grandma: Fowl! Charge it!

Bobby: I can’t help it, they’re taller than I am!

Great Grandma (coming over): Well, sonny, you have got to try to find a way to outsmart them. Now, I’m gonna show you the way Jerry West does it. You just stand over there and watch.

Bobby: Okay.

(Bobby goes over and join Cindy, who is watching.)

Great Grandma (to Greg and Peter): You two boys try to guard me. (She takes the ball) You boys ready? Here I come. (She starts to dribble) Watch it.

Bobby: Get ’em, Grandma. You can make it. Go on, right behind you. Go on, shoot! You can make it! Go on! (She dribbles the ball) Shoot!

(She turns around and shoots the ball into the net. They all cheer.)

Great Grandma (to Bobby): Well, honey, that’s what you call a real fakeout. You just gotta have the moves. Now come on, you try.

Bobby: Okay.

(He goes to play. Great Grandpa puts his glasses on and watches in disbelief.)

Great Grandpa: That’s your great grandma?

Marcia: Yep, that’s Great Grandma.

(She and Jan look at each other and make motions with pride. Next, they sit down at the patio with Alice’s help.)

Alice: You two get acquainted while I make some lemonade.

Great Grandma: Well, that’s mighty kind of you, Alice. Thank you.

Great Grandpa: Thank you. That would be very pleasant indeed.

(He sits down.)

Great Grandma: Well, I never met a real-life judge before.

Great Grandpa: Well, I’m retired at present.

Great Grandma: What happened? Did you get tired of sending them to the hokie?

(She laughs and he gets irritated.)

Great Grandpa: Madam, I like to think I dispensed justice fairly in the 40 years I sat on the bench.

Great Grandma: 40 years on the bench? (He nods) You must’ve picked up a seatful of splinters. (She laughs and pats his knee, much to his chagrin) You know, there’s something I always wondered about judges.

Great Grandpa: What would that be?

Great Grandma: Is it true that on hot days, judges don’t wear any pants under their robes?

Great Grandpa (angry): My good woman, I certainly can’t speak for all judges, but I assure you, hot or cold, I always wore my trousers.

Great Grandma: Too bad.

(Marcia and Jan come out with the lemonade.)

Marcia: Here’s your lemonade.

Great Grandma: Thank you.

Jan: You’re welcome.

Marcia: It looks like you two are really getting to know each other.

Great Grandpa: Well, these past few moments have proved most dehumanating.

Marcia: Right on.

Jan: Groovy.

(They correct themselves to gain Great Grandpa’s approval.)

Marcia: Delightful.

Jan: Splendid.

Great Grandpa: That’s better.

(The girls go into the kitchen to see Alice.)

Cindy: Hi, Alice.

Marcia: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi.

Marcia: Uh, Alice, how do you feel about helping two people fall in love?

Alice: I’m all for it, especially if one of those two people turns out to be me.

Cindy: We’re talking about Grandma and Grandpa.

Alice: Grandma and Grandpa?

Jan: You see, right after Mom and Dad go out, all us other kids will make excuses to leave too.

Marcia: So, you can serve Grandma and Grandpa a romantic candlelight dinner for two.

Alice: Ooh, you little devils.

Cindy: Okay, Alice.

Alice: Okay. You get them to the launching pad, and I’ll fuel them up a blast.

Marcia: Oh, great.

(Next, Grandma and Grandpa are in the living room sipping champagne.)

Great Grandpa (handing Great Grandma her drink): There you are.

Great Grandma: Thank you.

(They clink their glasses and Grandpa makes a toast.)

Great Grandpa: Well, here’s to today and all of time. Here’s to good health. Yours and mine.

Great Grandma: Right up the flagpole.

(Grandpa gets a little annoyed. Grandma takes a big sip of hers. Sher notices Grandpa sniffng at his.)

Great Grandma: Is something wrong with yours, judge?

Great Grandpa: Oh, no, I was merely enjoying the pleasant old colors.

Great Grandma: While you’re doing all that, would you mind hitting me again?

Great Grandpa: Pardon. (He realizes what she means) Oh, yes, of course. You just hold your glass and I will pour. (He pours) There you go.

Great Grandma: All the way, honey.

(He pours a couple more drops into her glass. The boys come down the stairs.)

Greg: Grandpa, Grandma.

Great Grandma: Hi.

Greg: I’m sorry but I’m gonna have to skip dinner tonight.

Great Grandpa: Oh, that’s too bad.

Greg: I got a heavy date, you know how it is.

Great Grandma: We remember how it was.

Greg: Good night.

Peter: Bobby and I have to go too. My friend Willie’s got a sprained ankle andhe’s wrapped up in bed.

Bobby: Yeah, we’re going over to cheer him up.

Great Grandpa: Well, that’s very commendable. (He motions for them to come closer) You know as Homer said, friendship is proved by adversity.

Bobby: Uh, yeah.

Great Grandpa: Bye.

Bobby: Bye.

Peter: Bye.

(The girls come downstairs now.)

Marcia: Hey, Greg, wait up, you can drop us off. Grandma, Grandpa, sorry, we can’t stay for dinner.

Jan: Our ballet teacher is having a recital. We said we’d come.

Cindy: We promised.

Great Grandma: Good-bye, children. Have fun. (to grandpa) Well, judge, that leaves just you and me. (She clinks her glass with his) Here’s to solitary confinement.

Great Grandpa: Pardon?

Great Grandma: Come on, honey, where’s your sense of humor.

(She elbows him and he pretends to laugh. Later on, they are at the table having dinner.)

Great Grandpa: Why is it that people have to eat in the dark? I wonder.

(Alice comes out with their food.)

Alice: Is everything all right, folks?

Greta Grandma: Ooh, Alice, fine, Alice.

Great Grandpa: My compliments, Alice.

Alice: Wait till you see the dessert.

Great Grandpa: There you are, swetie.

(She gives Alice the salad dish.)

Great Grandpa: I wonder why we need that music.

Great Grandma: Ooh, I like it, turns me on. (she gets up) Makes me feel like I want to dance.

Great Grandpa: Well, not me.

Great Grandma: Oh, come on, judgie, I’ll bet you used to fox a pretty mean trot in your day. (She tries to get him up) Come on, how about a little dance. It’s good for your digestive system. Come on, get up there. That’s the way.

Great Grandpa: Madam, don’t you think this fosse has gone far enough?

Great Grandma: Fosse?

Great Grandpa: Your entire transparent scheme. Children conveniently disappearing, cozy dinner for two, romantic music and candlelight.

Great Grandma (furious): You think I planned all this?

Great Grandpa: I think it’s obvious. But your romantic fantasies are not about to come true.

(Alice comes out with dessert and recites it in French.)

Great Grandma (yelling): Romantic fantasies! Who’d want an old goat like you?

Great Grandpa: Old goat?

Great Grandma: Yes, old goat!

Great Grandpa: Madam, may I remind you that you’re an old spring chicken yourself. (She gets extremely furious) Excuse me.

Great Grandma: Oh, judge.

Great Grandpa: And it’s too late to apologize!

Great Grandma: Apologize, my foot! You forgot your hat!

Great Gtandpa: Good evening.

Great grandma: Good-bye!

(He leaves and she angrily goes to another room. The scene fades.)

(The next scene takes us to the next morning. Marcia and Greg come into the kitchen where Alice is working.)

Marcia: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Good morning.

Greg: Good morning.

(Marciua looks in the family room.)

Marcia: Hey, where’s Grandma?

Alice: About on her third lap, I guess.

Greg: Third lap?

Alice: Around the block. She came in, grabbed an orange, and jogged off. Plucking the army.

Greg (laughing): She really is something.

Marcia: Alice, did she have a nice evening with Grandpa?

Alice: Well, I think there’s a better word to describe it than nice.

Marcia: Wonderful?

Alice: Nope.

Marcia: Beautiful?

Alice: Nope.

Marcia: What?

Alice: Disasterful.

Greg: Well, what happened?

Alice: Well, at dinner, one word led to another and by the time they put the words together, they were not talking.

Marcia: Oh, no.

Greg: What started it?

Alice: Well, I don’t know how it started but I do know how it ended.

Marcia: How?

Alice: She called him an old goat, then he called her an old chicken, and he split the barnyard.

Marcia: We gotta do something. We can’t let them stay angry at each other.

Greg: I told you not to meddle.

(Marcia starts to mope as Grandma comes in from her jog.)

Marcia: Hi, Grandma.

Greg: Good morning.

Great Grandma: Good morning there. (she aims an orange at Greg) Think fast. honey. (she throws the orange to him) I tell you (she goes to sit down) I come out in the morning to get my blood circulating.

Marcia: I understand you had a little argument with Grandpa last night.

Great Grandma: Marcia, I wouldn’t speak to that man again if he was the only man on earth left with the key to the wine filler.

Greg: Grandma, I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said.

Great Grandma: I know what he said, for the first time he was talking in English instead of in Latin.

Marcia: I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding.

Great Grandma: Not on my part, honey. Can you imagine him thinking I was trying to trap him? Ha, I wouldn’t take him on a silver platter with an apple in his mouth.

Marcia: Grandma.

Great Grandma: Him calling me old. His wrinkles have got wrinkles and he’s calling me old. Ooh, I’m getting so steamed up I think I’m gonna have to take another lap.

(She grabs another orange and runs outside.)

Greg: You’ll never get anywhere with Grandma.

Marcia: Maybe I’ll have a talk with Grandpa.

Greg: Why don’t you jus tleave them alone.

Marcia: Because if I do, they’ll never get together and fall in love.

Alice: Love? Right now, you’ll be smart to settle for mutual indifference.

(Next, Marcia and Jan pay a visit to Great Grandpa.)

Marcia: Grandpa, as a judge, you always have to be fair and reasonable, don’t you.

Great Grandpa: I have always been fair and reasonable.

Marcia: Then last night, didn’t you kind of convict Grandma Hutchins on circumstancial evidence?

Great Grandpa: My dear, that opinion is open to question.

Jan: But Marcia and I are willing to swear that Grandma had nothing to do with arranging that dinner for two.

Great Grandpa: Well, Jan, if you say so, then I must accept that fact.

Marcia: Well then there’s no reason to phone her and apologize.

Great Grandpa: Never! Nomen est nomen.

Jan: What does that mean?

Great Grandpa: A name is a name. Old goat.

Marcia: That’s just a figure of speech.

Greta Grandpa: And smell. Now I know she sent you girls here to say all this, but you can tell her for me, (he makes a legal term in Latin, then uses his gavel) case thrown out of court.

(Back home, the kids are arguing about how to get the grandparents together.)

Greg: We told you to butt out.

Marcia: We were just trying to do something nice.

Greg: Marcia, if you ever want to do something nice for me, give me a warning. (to Peter) Want a chance to get out of town.

Jan: Boys are never any help.

Cindy: Yeah, Bobby’s not even here worrying. He’s out playing in the park with Grandpa.

Marcia: Hey, wait a minute, Bobby’s out playing in the park with Grandpa.

Cindy: That’s what i just said.

Marcia: Cindy, how would you like to go to the park with Grandma.

(Cut to the park. Bobby is playing with an airplane while Grandpa watches.)

Bobby: Watch this perfect landing, Grandpa.

Great Grandpa: All right.

(Cindy and great Grandma arrive at the park.)

Cindy: I love coming to the park, don’t you, grandma?

Great Grandma: Oh, I sure do, honey. I loved coming to the park ever since I was a little girl just your age, which was only a few weeks ago.

(Bobby lands his plane with Grandpa watching.)

Great Grandpa: Oh, huh, I think you need a little more rutte rthere.

Bobby: Yeah.

(He sits down and Great Grandpa readjusts the plane. Cindy sees them.)

Cindy: Hey, look, there’s Grandpa.

(She half drags Great Grandma to Great Grandma and Bobby.)

Great Grandma: Ooh, careful sweetheart, I don’t have my running shoes on.

Cindy: Bobby, what a pleasant surprise.

Bobby: What’s the surprise? I always come here.

Cindy: There’s something on the other side of the park you’ve got to see.

Bobby: What is it?

Cindy: It’s a squirrel.

Bobby: I see millions of squirrels.

Cindy: This one collects nuts.

Bobby: They all collect nuts.

Cindy (to the grandparents): We’ll be right back.

(She grabs him by the arm and lures him away.)

Great Grandpa (to Great Grandma): You may sit down, madam, it’s all yours. (She starts to laugh) What inquires do you find so amusing?

Great Grandma: You got that silly hat perched on your head just like you did last night when you marched out of that room with smoke coming out of your ears.

Great Grandpa: I believe I left with my customary dignity. (He turns to leave then he stops) Oh, by the way, (he takes off his hat) I believe i owe you an apology. I jumped to a conclusion last night which I understand was not true.

Great Grandma: Well, I guess I owe you an apology too. But when I get hot under the collar, my mouth just flies in all directions.

Great Grandpa: Well, perhaps we were both at fault. (He puts his hat back on and starts to walk) Good day, Mrs. Hutchins.

Great Grandma: Oh, what’s your hurry, judge? (He stops) Why don’t you just park it here on the bench and give it another trial.

(They both go to sit down. He takes his hat off again.)

Great Grandpa: Well, perhaps just for a moment.

(Bobby and Cindy witness this.)

Cindy: It’s working.

Great Grandpa: Oh, by the way, Mrs. Hutchins.

Great Grandma: Oh, make that Connie, would you, Hank?

Great Grandpa: Hank?

Great Grandma: hank.

Great Grandpa: Hank? (He starts to laugh) Nobody has called me Hank since the first day i was admitted to the bar.

Great Grandma: Well, maybe it’s time they started.

Great Grandpa: Maybe you’re right. Oh, Mrs. Hutchins. (She corrects him again) Connie, about that question you asked me yesterday.

Connie: What question was that?

Great Grandpa; That question about whether judges wear trousers underneath their robes. Confidentially, once I got up so late, I had to wear my pajamas all day long.

(They both laugh.)

Great Grandma: I bet they thought you were night court.

(She accidentally crushes his hat during her laughter.)

Connie: Oh, I am so sorry. let me fix it.

Great Grandpa: Oh, that’s, that’s all right. Thank you. If you would still like to see the sites of our fair city, I’d be pleased to show you around.

Great Grandma: That’s mighty kind of you, Hank. I would love to.

Great Grandpa: Well, perhaps we could start with a drive to the beach this afternoon, then this evening, there is a string ensemble playing Mozart.

Great Grandpa: A string?

Great Grandpa: Well, there is also a groovy concert at some establishment called the Rock Bottom.

Great Grandma: Well, that’s more like it, Hank, you’re finally getting it all together.

(Carol and Mike are sleeping when they are awakened by a thud.)

Carol: Mike, wake up.

(She turns on the light.)

Mike: What’s the matter?

Carol: I heard a strange noise.

Mike: Oh, honey, why is it you always hear strange noise sin the middle of the night instead of during broad daylight when I’m awake?

Carol: Well, maybe I imagined it.

(She is about to turn the light back out when they hear it again.)

Mike: I just imagined it too. Better go take a look.

Carol: You’re not going down there alone. I’m going with you.

Mike: Listen if you want to, you can go first.

(They get out of bed and put their robes on.)

Carol: Mike, I know I heard something.

Mike: I heard it too. Why do you think i got up in the middle of the night?

(When they get to the staircase, they see Great Grandma packed up and about to leave.)

Carol: Honey, grandma’s leaving.

Mike: Suppose she had another fight with Grandpa.

Carol: Gee, I don’t know. (They turn the hall light on, just as Great Grandma is about to walk out the door) Going somewhere, Grandma?

Great Grandma: Sorry, kiddies, didn’t mean to wake you up.

Mike: Is it because of the judge?

Great Grandma: Yep, it sure is.

Carol: Was it something he said?

Great Grandma: Yep, that’s it, exactly.

Mike: What did he say?

Great Grandma: He said let’s get hitched.

Carol (happy): Married?

Great Grandma: Yeah, we’re eloping to Las Vegas.

(Great Grandpa comes in.)

Great Grandpa: And don’t you try to stop us.

Mike: Stop you? We couldn’t be happier.

Carol: But we’d love to give you a wedding with all the trimmings. Can’t you wait?

Great Grandma: Oh, honey, we haven’t got time. At our age every minute counts. Right, Hank?

Greta Grandpa: But there is one thing you can do for us. I prefer you keep this quiet. I’d get a good deal of riddings from my sons at the chess club.

(He laughs.)

Mike: Our lips are sealed.

Carol: We won’t say a word.

Alice: Neither will I.

Kids: Neither will we.

Great Grandma: Good bye, kiddies, thanks for everything. Come on, Hank.

Great Grandpa: Yes, my dear.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Marcia helping Jan with her homework in the family room.)

Marcia: No, that’s wrong. You use the associative property instead of the commutative property.

Jan: Oh, sure.

Alice (coming in): Kids, kids, We got a postcard form your Great Grandma and Grandpa.

Marcia: Oh, wow, what does it say, Alice.

Alice (reading): Let’s see. Hi, everybody, Here we are in Las Vegas, Mr. and Mrs. Hank Brady. We had a problem with the Justice of the Peace when he refused to marry us without the consent of our parents. (They laugh) At the wedding, at the wedding dinner, we had caviar and champagne. That is, he had champagne. The waiter refused to serve me without an ID card. (They all laugh) I have to say good-bye now because Hank and I have a date to go water skiing.

Jan: Water skiing? I can’t believe it.

Marcia: Me either.

Alice (reading): Tell everyone they can believe it.

(They all laugh.)


S4 E20 The Great Earring Caper

The Great Earring Caper

Written by Larry Rhine and Al Schwartz

Cindy loses Carol’s earrings after she wears them without permission. She turns to Peter, the house detective, to help her find them. I hope you enjoy the script.











(The episode begins with Marcia trying on a pair of earrings borrowed from Carol. Cindy looks on.)

Cindy: Those sure are neat earrings, Marcia.

Marcia (mocking a British accent): Thanks, darling. Mother loaned them to me.

Jan (calling): Marcia, Marcia.

Marcia: Coming, Jan.

(She takes the earrings off and come in the bedroom.)

Marcia: What is it?

Jan: Phone for you. A guy named Ted Edwards.

Marcia (putting the earrings away): Thanks.

Cindy: Marcia, can I try the earrings on?

Marcia: No. They’re Mom’s and don’t touch them. Grandma gave them to her.

Jan: The guy sounded really cute. What does he look like?

Marcia: Tall, blonde, handsome. Nothing special.

Jan: I’ll bet.

(Marcia and Jan leave the room. Cindy closes the door and takes the earrings. She is in the bathroom trying them on and Carol calls her.)

Carol: Cindy, are you in there?

Cindy: I’m coming, Mom.

(She tucks the earrings under a towel on the sink. She leaves the bathroom and comes in the bedroom. Carol shows her a new blouse she just bought her.)

Carol: Honey, I got this on sale. Let’s see if it fits.

Cindy: It fits fine, Mom.

Carol: They have them in green, red and violet too. Which color would you like?

Cindy: Any color’s marvelous.

Carol: Boy, one day you’re gonna make some man awfully happy. (She pus her hand on Cindy’s chin) You’re a woman who’s easy to please. (She takes the blouse and box she got it in) See you later.

(Carol leaves the room and Cindy rushes back into the bathroom. She tries to retrieve the earrings from the towel but can’t find them, She looks all over for them with no luck.)

Cindy (to herself): They’re gone.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Peter in his bedroom playing detective. Greg is on his bed reading. Peter goes over to him.)

Peter: If you didn’t know who I was, who would you think I am?

Greg: A Canada for a butterfly net. Knock it off, will you. I’m trying to read.

(Peter goes to get his magnifying glass. He goes over to Greg and uses it to check him over.)

Peter: You know something, you got a big pores.

Greg: Will you quit bugging me with that dumb detective kit? (He goes under Greg’s bed. He looks under to him) Now, what are you doing?

Peter: Trying to guess your weight. You can figure it out by the sag in the mattress.

Greg: You got a sag in your brain. Why don’t you take your detective kit and get lost.

Peter: It’s no use. I’m such a good detective, I’ll find myself.

(He laughs and Greg plops on his bed, almost injuring Peter. He leaves the room and then there’s a knock on the door.)

Peter: Come in.

(Cindy enters.)

Cindy: Peter, have you learned how to use your detective kit yet?

Peter: Sure.

Cindy: Good, maybe you can help me.

Peter (excited): You want a detective? (Cindy nods) Boy, my first case. Step into my office, ma’am. (She sits at the desk and Peter takes a small black book out.) What’s your name, ma’am?

Cindy: You know my name?

Peter: It’s got to be official, the way the book says. What’s your name, ma’am?

Cindy: Cindy Brady.

Peter: Occupation?

Cindy: School kid.

Peter: Okay, we need the facts. So start from the beginning, and give me the facts, just the facts.

Cindy: Mom lent Marcia some earrings. And I wasn’t supposed to touch them, but I did. Now the earrings are gone.

Peter (surprised): Mom’s earrings? Boy, are you in trouble.

Cindy: I know that, and I’m not even a detective.

Peter: Okay, we’ll call this the Great Earring Caper. Where were the earrings last observed, ma’am?

Cindy: On the bathroom sink.

Peter: I’ll investigate at once.

(They head toward the bathroom.)

Cindy: Can I help?

Peter: Sure, you can be my assistant. Like Dr. Watson was to Sherlock Holmes.

Cindy: Great.

(They come into the bathroom.)

Peter: Exactly where were they, ma’am?

Cindy: Underneath this towel.

Peter: Towel, huh? (He takes the towel and shakes it) Simple deduction, ma’am, I solved the case.

Cindy: You have?

Peter: The earrings obviously slipped out from under the towel and slid down the drain.

Cindy: Boy, you sure are smart, Peter.

Peter: Thanks. I’ll just get Dad’s tool kit and open up the drain pipe.

Cindy: What a detective.

Peter: Elementary, my dear Watson. (He tips his hat) Elementary.

(The next scene has Carol coming into Mike’s den.)

Carol: Mike. (Mike answers with a mumble) I think I’ve got it.

Mike: Got what?

Carol: An idea for the costume party, unless you decided on something.

Mike: No, no, anything you decide is okay with me.

Carol: Okay, how about Romeo and Juliet?

Mike: Romeo and Juliet. Oh, honey, can we be a little more original. Last year there were a whole flock of Romeo and Juliets.

Carol: Oh, well then, why don’t you pick a famous couple.

Mike: No, no, you pick it. You’re better at those things than I am.

Carol: Okay, how about Napoleon and Josephine?

Mike: Napoleon and… (he jerks his hand around) honey, isn’t that a little unoriginal, too?

Carol: Yeah, I guess it is. How about Gertrude and Claude?

Mike (laughing): Gertrude and Claude? What famous couple were they?

Carol: I don’t know, but it certainly is original, don’t you think.

(They laugh.)

Mike: Oh, look, we’re making a big deal out of this. You pick it, and anything you decide on is okay with me.

Carol: Sure it is.

(Alice comes in.)

Alice: Well, how did it go with Romeo and Juliet?

Carol and Mike: It didn’t.

Alice: Well, I got an idea, folks, and it’s particularly fitting, for you, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Yeah, what’s that?

Alice: George and Martha Washington.

Mike: Hey, I could be the father of my country.

Alice: With 6 kids, you got a good running start.

(Cut to the bathroom, where Peter is trying to fix the pipe on the sink and retrieve the earrings. Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Peter, did you find Mom’s earrings yet?

Peter: Not yet. Cindy, you don’t need a detective, you need a plumber.

Cindy: Well, please hurry.

Peter: I’m hurrying, and get back to your lookout post.

(She exits the bathroom through the door to her room. Marcia comes in the room.)

Marcia: Hi.

Cindy: Hi. Marcia, if you want to go to the bathroom, you can’t. Jan’s in there.

Marcia: Who wants to go to the bathroom?

Cindy: I just thought I’d let you know, just in case.

(Jan enters.)

Jan: Hi.

Marcia: Hi. (Jan tries opening the bathroom door) Hey, I thought you were in the bathroom.

Jan: How could I be in the bathroom?

Cindy: I guess it must be Greg in the bathroom.

(She goes into the boys’ room and sees Bobby.)

Cindy: Bobby, if you want to go to the bathroom, you can’t. Greg’s in there.

Bobby: Who put you in charge of the bathroom?

Cindy: Well, I just thought I’d let you know, Greg’s in there.

Greg (entering the room): Greg’s in where?

Bobby: She said you were in the bathroom.

Greg (laughing): What are you talking about?

Cindy: I thought it was you. (She leaves) I’ll try to find out and let you know.

(Greg and Bobby laugh. Cindy knocks on the bathroom door.)

Peter (moving to the door): Who is it?

Cindy: It’s me, Watson. (He lets her in) Well.

Peter: They’re not there.

Cindy (upset): Oh, no!

Peter: Don’t panic. This is where us detectives have to use deduction.

Cindy: Well, please deduct fast.

Peter: Okay, now they weren’t in the sink, and they’re not in the drainpipe, so they must have been removed. Chances are, by human hands. You follow me?

Cindy: Yes, just hurry up, that’s all.

Peter: Okay, every human hand has fingerprints, and everybody in this house has human hands.

Cindy: What does that mean?

Peter: It means that no finger is above suspicion.

(Cindy pretends to get it, but is confused.)

Cindy: What?

(Downstairs, Alice is mopping the kitchen. Peter and Cindy are watching.)

Peter: Believe me, Alice will never know what we’re after. We’ll get the fingerprints off the mop handle.

Cindy: Okay.

Peter: Sh.

(He puts his hand over her mouth. They approach Alice.)

Peter: You know something, Alice, you work too hard.

Cindy: You should let us do some work.

Alice: You want to do some of my work?

Peter: Sure. (He takes the mop) Just relax.

Cindy: Take it easy for a while.

(They lead her to a chair and get her to sit down.)

Alice: You kids feel alright?

Peter: We’ll go mop our bathroom.

Cindy: Read a good luck or something.

(They walk away and leave Alice suspicious.)

Alice (to herself): They want to help?

(Next, they come into Mike’s den with a glass of milk.)

Peter: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hi, kids.

Cindy: Dad, we brought you a glass of milk.

Mike: You did? (Peter puts it on the table) That’s great, I don’t even remember asking for a glass of milk.

Peter: This way you don’t have to ask.

Mike: Well, that’s very considerate of you.

(They stand there waiting for him to take a sip.)

Cindy: Go ahead, drink it.

Mike: I will, when I get thirsty.

Peter: You better drink it right away, before all the vitamins in it wear out.

Cindy: It’s good for all your bones.

Mike: Well, in that case, I better take your advice.

(He takes a sip and pretends he enjoys it.)

Cindy: Refreshingly good, isn’t it.

(Peter starts to take it away.)

Mike: Yes, it certainly was. My bones feel better already.

(He goes to take another sip but is surprised to see it gone. They start to leave and he turns around and scoffs for their attention.)

Mike: I hope the fingerprints turn out okay, Sherlock.

Peter (to Cindy): I guess we should have worn disguises.

(The next scene has Greg, Marcia, Jan and Bobby playing ping-pong in the backyard. Peter and Cindy seek them out, then run over andgrab their paddles and run. They are upstairs in the bathroom checking fingerprints.)

Cindy: We got everybody’s fingerprints.

Peter: Right. I just checked them against the ones in the bathroom sink.

Cindy: And what did you find out?

Peter: That everybody in this family has been in this bathroom.

Cindy: We still don’t know who took the earrings out of here.

Peter: Don’t worry. A good detective always has more than one plan. If Plan A doesn’t work, we’ll go to Plan B.

Cindy: What’s Plan B?

Peter: I don’t know, I’ll look it up.

(Alice is downstairs dusting the horse and Carol comes down the stairs.)

Carol: Alice, I’m going down to the costume company. I shouldn’t be gone long.

Alice: Right, Mrs. Brady.

(Carol notices a jacket on Alice’s shoulder which belongs to one of the kids.)

Carol: Alice, remember what I said?

Alice: About what?

Carol: About picking up after the kids. They gotta learn to do it themselves.

Alice (putting it down): Okay, I’ll just leave it.

Carol: Bye. I sure hope I can find something interesting for our costumes.

Alice: Hey, Mrs. Brady, would you consider Adam and Eve?

(Before Carol gets back, Mike is in the kitchen about to take a donut but is caught by Alice.)

Alice: Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Mike: Hi, just a little something to tide me over until dinner.

Alice: Mr. Brady, I thought you were watching your waste line.

Mike: I am, and it’s getting easier to see all the time.

Alice: Mine too, everywhere I look.

(Carol comes home.)

Carol (calling): Mike.

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: Honey, can you give me a hand quick? Hurry!

(She is carrying two heavy costumes.)

Mike: What have you got here?

Carol: You’ll see. (He takes them from her) Oh, thank you.

Mike: Gosh, they’re heavy.

Carol: Yeah, well, our costume problems are over. We’re all set for the party.

Mike: What are we going as, ghosts?

Carol: Here, I’ll show off. Take that off (wrap), okay?

Mike: Ah!

Carol: Anthony and Cleopatra. (Mike looks a little unhappy) What’s the matter, don’t you like them?

Mike: Sure, but my skirt is shorter than your skirt.

(They laugh and Alice comes out.)

Alice: Ooh, wow.

Carol: Hey, Alice, what do you think of our costumes?

Alice: Oh, those are great.

Mike: Guess who we’re going as.

Alice (jokingly): Sonny and Cher.

(They laugh and Cindy comes out.)

Cindy: Those sure are fancy costumes.

Alice: Yeah, and your father’s got the leg for them, too.

Mike: Tomorrow night your mother and Dad are going to be Anthony and Cleopatra.

Carol: Yeah, I’m really looking forward to it. I’m gonna do a real fancy make-up, and I think I’ll borrow my friend Pauline’s black wig.

Mike: Oh, yeah.

Carol: And, I know just the earrings, the ones I loaned to Marcia.

(They go to try their costumes on. Cindy gets worried.)

Cindy (to herself): The earrings, oh no.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Peter in his room reading his detective manual. Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Peter, we got to find those earrings right away.

Peter: I know. I’m reading my manual on how to solve cases.

Cindy: But Mom wants to wear them to that party tomorrow night.

Peter (flustered): Tomorrow night?

Cindy: I guess we better tell her they’re lost.

Peter (getting up): We still have 24 hours and I’m learning a lot from this book.

Cindy: Like what?

Peter: Like suspects. The person who’s nearest to the scene of the crime has the best chance of being guilty. We got to question everybody.

Cindy: All right, but we got to do it fast.

Peter: Don’t panic, a good detective never panics.

Cindy: I’m not a good dete4ctive.

(We take you to the backyard. Greg is cleaning his surfboard. Cindy comes over.)

Cindy: Hi.

Greg: Hi.

Cindy: What are you doing?

Greg: I’m waxing my surfboard.

Cindy: What were you doing yesterday afternoon right after school?

Greg: I was in my room.

Cindy: That’s right, and your room is right next to the bathroom.

Greg: So?

Cindy: So hand over the you know what.

Greg: What’s the you know what?

Cindy: If I told you the you know what, you’d know what.

Greg: Cindy, I’m busy. I don’t even know what you’re talking about.

Cindy: Then I guess that makes you innocent.

(Cut to the boys’ room, where Bobby is playing with his pet hamster.)

Peter: Hi, how’s it going?

Bobby: How’s what going?

Peter: Oh, nothing. Where were you yesterday afternoon?

Bobby: What do you mean where was I? I was at school, and I came home, like any day.

Peter: What did you go when you got home?

Bobby: Why?

Peter: Just asking.

Bobby: I gave Henrietta a special treat. it was her birthday.

Peter: Birthday, huh. Did you bring her a present?

Bobby: Yeah!

Peter: Like jewelry?

Bobby: What are you, some kind of ding-a-ling? What would a hamster be doing with jewelry?

Peter: I’m asking the questions around here, what did you bring her?

Bobby: I brought her sunflower seeds, and if you’re jealous, I’ll bring you sunflower seeds for your birthday.

Peter: You’re too dumb to be guilty.

(Next, Jan is in her room doing homework. Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Hi.

Jan: Hi.

Cindy: Where were you yesterday afternoon, right after school?

Jan: I was here, you saw me, when I called Marcia.

Cindy: Why did you call her?

Jan: Because that boy phoned her, Ted Edwards.

Cindy: Can you prove the phone rang?

Jan: Can you prove it didn’t?

Cindy: Nope.

(Later on, Cindy is in the room with Peter. They are upset that they couldn’t find the earrings.)

Cindy: Mom and Dad are getting dressed now for the party.

Peter: I know. My first case and I bombed out. Some detective. I couldn’t find an elephant in a bathtub.

Cindy: You tried. I better tell Marcia. Mom is gonna be looking for those earrings any minute.

Peter (stopping her): Wait. There may be one last hope.

Cindy: What?

Peter: Mom may forget about those earrings.

(Mike is sitting on his bed in his costume. He is waiting on Carol.)

Mike: Honey, how are you coming?

(Carol comes out from their bathroom.)

Carol: I was having a little trouble zipping up the nile.

(Mike zips the back of Carol’s costume.)

Carol: Well.

(Mike whistles, then answers.)

Mike: Well, I’ll ride on your barge anytime.

Carol: You’re pretty wild yourself. You know something, Alice was right. You do have great legs.

Mike (looking down at them): Yeah, I kinda do, don’t I.

Carol: The knees are a little knobby but….

Mike: Just a second. Hey, let’s get Greg to take a picture of us. I never had a date with the queen of the Nile before.

Carol: Good.

(Marcia comes by.)

Marcia: Hey, wow, you both look really great.

Carol: Thanks. Oh, honey, can you get those earrings I loaned you? I want to wear them tonight.

Marcia: Sure, Mom, they’ll look perfect with your costume.

(Marcia goes in her room to get the earrings. She sees Cindy sitting on the bed moping.)

Marcia: Cindy, are you okay?

Cindy: Yeah, but you’re not. You’re in trouble.

Marcia: Me, in trouble. Why?

Cindy: You told me not to touch Mom’s earrings, right?

Marcia: Yeah.

Cindy: Well, I touched them.

Marcia: What do you mean?

Cindy: I not only touched them, I lost them.

Marcia (angry): You lost them? Cindy, Mom wanted them! Are you sure that you lost them?

Cindy: Positive. That’s why you’re in trouble.

Marcia: What do you mean I’m in trouble? You’re the one that lost them.

Cindy: Yeah, but you’re my older sister. And older sisters always protect younger sisters.

Marcia: That’s your story, come on!

(She grabs Cindy by the hair and they go downstairs. Greg is taking Carol and Mike’s pictures.)

Greg: Okay, okay, hold it, hold it. Here we go and. (He takes the picture and they go on about how much fun it was) Hey, how about a romantic one. Marc Anthony and Cleopatra hugging each other.

Carol: All right, but watch out for that sword. I don’t want to get grabbed and jabbed at the same time.

Greg: ready. 1,2,3.

(He takes the shot.)

Carol: I hope you got his legs in.

(Alice, Jan and Bobby laugh. Marcia and Cindy come down the stairs with Peter following.)

Marcia: Mom. (to Cindy) Come on. Cindy has something to tell you.

Cindy: What is it, sweetheart? Marcia, did you find the earrings?

Marcia: No.

Carol: What do you mean no? I loaned them to you.

Cindy: Then I loaned them to me. Then they disappeared.

Carol: How could they disappear?

Peter: That’s a good question. I’ve been trying to crack this case for some time now, and I’m baffled.

Carol: Oh, Cindy, those are my favorite earrings, and I wanted to wear them tonight.

Cindy: I’m sorry.

Mike: Now, wait a minute. Did you take them outside the house, Cindy?

Cindy: No, Dad, honest. I only had them on for a minute.

Mike: Well, they must be around here someplace. Where did you lose them?

Peter: Dad, are you taking over the case now?

Mike: Yeah, if you don’t mind.

Peter: No, not at all. But I gotta warn you, everybody has an alibi, and there aren’t any clues.

Mike: Thank you. I’m sure they’re just misplaced. Let’s see if we can reconstruct what happened.

Carol: Well, all I know is I loaned the earrings to Marcia, and I have not seen them since.

Marcia: And I put them in my dresser drawer and then I went downstairs to take a phone call.

Cindy: That’s when I loaned them to me. (they show flashbacks of her in the bathroom) I went into the bathroom to try them on. But when Mom called me, I didn’t want her to catch me playing with her earrings. So I hid them, under a towel on the sink. (We go back to the present) I was gonna put them back in Marcia’s drawer later.

Alice: Hey, wait a minute, I just remembered. Do u know when that must have been. (We see in flashback as she explains) That must have been when I went into the bathroom from the hall. I took the clothes out of the laundry bin. Then I saw the towel on the counter so I put it in the laundry bag. Then I remembered what Mrs. Brady said about the kids cleaning up after themselves, so I put the towel back. (returning to present) So, if the earrings were under the towel, they must have fallen into the laundry bag.

Mike: Then that’s where they must be.

Carol: Alice, where is that laundry bag now?

Alice: Well, I put it down for a second to get something, and when I came back it was gone.

Jan: I know, I took it from there?

Carol: What do you mean?

Jan: Well, I was starting to go downstairs, and I saw the laundry bag in the hall. I thought I’d help Alice out, so I took the laundry bag downstairs and left it in the service porch. (Shown in flashback)

Mike: The earrings must be in the laundry bag in the service porch.

Carol: No, no, Mike, that’s when I came in the picture. When I went to the service porch, I saw the laundry bag was pretty full. I figured I’d give Alice a hand and I unloaded the laundry into the washing machine. (Shown in flashback) Alice, has that load of laundry been washed yet?

Alice: Mrs. Brady, that was yesterday. At least three or four loads ago.

Carol: Oh, no.

Alice: I never saw any earrings.

Mike: Then they must still be in the washing machine.

(They all rush to the washing machine. Alice reaches in to find them.)

Greg: Feel anything?

Alice: Wait a minute. (She feels something) A-ha, a-ha, ah (She pulls one out and they all cheer. She reaches for the other) There’s (Pause) what’s left of the other one.

Carol: Oh, no.

(Cindy looks at the broken earring.)

Peter: At least the mystery ‘s solved.

Mike: Well, we have to go without them. Come on, honey, we better get going.

Cindy: Mom, I promise I’ll never take anything again I’m not supposed to.

Carol: All right, Cindy, but you and I are gonna have a long talk about this tomorrow. (She kisses her good night) Good night, Peter.

Peter: Good night. (Carol leaves) Well, that’s the end of the great earring caper.

Cindy: Peter, do you still have all those disguises in your detective kit?

Peter: Yeah, why?

Cindy: Because tomorrow, I don’t want Mom to know which kid’s me.

(The scene fades out.)

(The final season has Mike and Carol returning from the party. Alice is in the kitchen eating a sandwich.)

Alice: Oh, hi folks, give you have a good time?

Carol: Oh, it was wonderful, Alice.

Alice: Hey, did your costumes win a prize?

Mike: Nope. We came in third.

Alice: Well, that isn’t bad. Who won?

Carol: The Cunninghams.

Mike: And you’ll never guess who they came as.

Alice: Romeo and Juliet?

Carol: Nope. Guess again.

Alice: George and Martha Washington.

Mike: Nope.

Alice: Okay, I give up.

Carol: Sherlock Holmes and Watson.


S4 E19 How To Succeed In Business

How To Succeed In Business

Written by Gene Thompson

Peter gets his first job and then proceeds to lose it. Hope you like the script.











MR. MARTINELLI, owner of a bike shop.

(The episode begins with Peter riding home on his bicycle. When he gets home and parks it, it falls down. He goes back to re-adjust it and then runs into the house.)

Peter (excited): Mom, Dad! Mom, Dad!

(He accidentally bumps into Alice.)

Peter and Alice (to each other): Are you all right?

Alice: Just fine. What’s all the excitement?

Peter: Alice, the greatest thing in the world just happened to me!

Alice: Yeah, what?

Peter: First, have there been any phone calls for me today?

Alice: Nope.

Peter: You’re sure?

Alice: Positive.

Peter: Well, maybe it didn’t happen.

Alice: What didn’t happen?

Peter: Well, maybe it will anyway.

Alice: Peter, what happened that didn’t happen but maybe it will anyway?

Peter: Alice, I don’t want to get your hopes up.

Alice: I promise. I just want to know what’s going on.

(The phone rings.)

Peter: Maybe that’s it! (He answers) Hello, this is Peter. Yes, Mr. Martinelli. What? (He gets real excited) Oh, wow, that’s great! Sorry, Mr. Martinelli. (to Alice) I hurt his ear. (back to Mr. Martinelli) Sorry I yelled, but I’m real happy, sir. Yes, sir, yes, sir. yes, sir! (He hangs up) It did happen! (He runs off) Mom, Dad, it happened!

Alice (loudly): What happened?

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike and Carol in the den. Peter yells to them through the window.)

Peter: Mom, Dad, Mom, Dad. It happened! It happened! (He runs in the den) Dad, it happened!

Mike: That’s great. What happened?

Peter: I got my first job.

Carol: Terrific.

Mike: That’s wonderful.

Peter: Thanks.

Mike: Who are you working for?

Peter: Mr. Martinelli at the bike shop. I work for him on Saturday and after school. I’m going to fix bikes.

Mike: Well, put her there.

(He puts his hand out and Peter shakes it.)

Carol: My son, the bike doctor. Oh, we’re proud of you, Peter.

Peter: From now on I won’t be a financial burden anymore.

Mike: Oh, well, that’s a load off my wallet.

Peter: And I won’t be needing allowance anymore.

Mike: No allowance?

Peter: Nope.

Carol: You’re sure?

Peter: Well, maybe one more for old times sake.

Mike: Oh, okay.

Peter: I’m gonna go tell the guys.

Mike: Oh, listen, Peter, now that you’re taking on a job, you’re taking on a responsibility, you know.

Peter: Oh, sure, Dad.

Mike: Be prompt, hard-working and loyal.

Peter: Got you

(He starts to run but falls.)

Carol (laughing): Peter, one more thing, don’t be clumsy.

(We take you to the bike shop, where Peter is working on a bicycle. Mr. Martinelli is seeing a customer out. He goes over to Peter.)

Martinelli: Well, Peter, how’s it coming?

Peter: Fine, Mr. Martinelli. And don’t you worry, I’m gonna be prompt, hard-working, loyal, neat and I’m not gonna watch the clock.

Martinelli: I’m sure, I’m sure, Peter. Uh, Peter, Mr. Martinelli is in a hurry for this bike.

Peter: Yes sir, I know, and listen to this.

(He pulls the pedal for Martinelli to hear the sound of the bike.)

Martinelli: Sounds perfect.

Peter: Only 9 more gears to go.

Martinelli: 9 more? (He looks at his watch) But it’s almost quitting time, Peter.

Peter: Oh, thanks for reminding me. I would’ve kept right on working.

(Next, Peter comes home and notices a bunch of bikes, and Bobby and Cindy waiting eagerly for him. He parks his bike and heads inside.)

Bobby: Oh, hi, Pete.

Cindy: Hi.

Peter: Hi. How come all the bikes?

Bobby: Well, all the guys at school just happened to hear that you were working for Mr. Martinelli.

Peter: How did they happen to hear that?

Bobby: Well…..

Cindy: Bobby called them up and he told them.

Peter: How come they didn’t take their bikes to the shop?

Bobby: Well, that way, Mr. Martinelli makes the money. This way, we do.

Peter: What do you mean, we?

Bobby: Well, you, and me and Cindy.

Cindy: You do the work, and we get the commission.

Peter: Forget it, I wouldn’t do a thing like that to Mr. Martinelli.

(He walks away.)

Cindy: You and your bright ideas.

Bobby: How am I supposed to know Peter wouldn’t moonlight?

(Next, Peter is at the bike shop , working on the same bike as the day before.)

Martinelli: How’s everything, Peter?

Peter: Coming alone just fine, Mr. Martinelli.

Martinelli: Peter, you are working on the same bicycle you were working on yesterday.

Peter: Yes, sir.

Martinelli: But Mr. Williams wants the bicycle.

Peter: I’m just trying to get it in tip top condition, so he’ll be a real satisfied customer. That’s what we want, isn’t it.

Martinelli: We want both, satisfied and customers, Peter.

(Carol and Mike are at home. Carol is making a salad platter. She turns around to get a paper towel and Mike reaches.)

Carol: Ah, ah, ah (she slaps his hand) Caught you.

Mike: Well, have mercy, man, you know how I love olives. (He goes to sit down) I’m an olive freak.

(Peter comes in.)

Mike: Hi.

Peter: Hi.

Carol: Hi, Peter. (He goes into the refrigerator.) Well, how was the big businessman today?

Peter: Mr. Martinelli couldn’t have been nicer.

Carol: No, I meant you.

Peter: Oh, I’m doing great. You know, while I was working today, I got to thinking about you today.

Mike: About us?

Peter: I was thinking that maybe you and Mom ought to take up bike riding. It’s very healthy.

Mike: Gosh, I haven’t been on a bike in years.

Peter: Well, it’s not too late. I mean, you’re not in bad condition. Considering your age and everything.

Mike (astonished): Thank you.

(Carol laughs.)

Peter: You too, Mom. You can get yourself back into shape again.

Carol: I thought I was in shape.

(Mike laughs.)

Mike: Peter, you’re trying to sell us a couple of bikes. Is that it?

Peter: Well, there’s nothing wrong with a businessman drummimg up a little business, is there?

Carol: No, not at all. As a matter of fact, I think it’s a very good idea, Peter.

Peter: Great.

(Carol goes over to sit with Mike.)

Carol: Mike, you know that isn’t a bad idea at all.

Mike: Huh.

Carol: It might tighten up all these olives.

Mike: Oh, honey, I get plenty of exercise. I play golf almost every weekend.

Carol: I don’t.

Mike: And I also play tennis with the guys.

Carol: I don’t.

Mike: And I go swimming at the club.

Carol: I don’t.

Mike: Well, maybe I’ll buy you a bike.

(Peter is at the bike shop. He is still working on the same bike.)

Martinelli: How’s it coming, Peter?

Peter: Just fine, Mr. Martinelli.

Martinelli: You’re still working on Mr. Williams’ bicycle.

Peter: I sure am.

Martinelli: You’ve been working on it for three days now.

Peter: I took the brakes apart today.

Martinelli: Mr. Williams did not ask to have the brakes fixed. There’s nothing wrong with them.

Peter: I found that out.

Martinelli (a little upset): Peter, how can you possibly work on the same bicycle for three says?

Peter: I guess I got a lot of patience.

Martinelli: I wish I could say the same thing for Mr. Williams. (The phone rings) Peter, please finish. I want good work, and I want it finished. (He answers the phone) Martinelli Bike Shop. Oh, hello, Mr. Williams. Nice day for a bike ride? Well, yes and no. (He closes the door to the office) I’m afraid, Mr. Williams, it’s not ready yet. Yes, I know I promised it to you by noon but I’m having trouble with help and I’m afraid I need a new boy. Yes, late today, definitely. I’ll finish it myself, Mr. Williams. Good-bye. (He hangs up and comes out) Peter, why don’t you go to lunch now and I’ll finish the bike.

Peter: Lunch already? Time really goes fast when you’re doing something you like.

Martinelli: Peter.

Peter: Yes, Mr. Martinelli?

Martinelli: After work today, I’d like to have a little talk with you, all right.

Peter: Yes sir, you think I’m doing okay?

Martinelli: Well…

Peter: You think someday I can even become a bike salesman?

Martinelli: Well, to tell you the truth, I think maybe you’d be better selling bikes than fixing them.

Peter (excited): Really? Thanks, Mr. Martinelli.

(He goes to shake his hand but he accidentally squirts him with the oil can he is using.)

(Back home, Alice and Carol are making him a sandwich and he runs in and almost bumps into Alice again.)

Peter (excited): Mom, Alice.

Carol: Peter, we were just fixing your lunch.

Peter: You know what happened? I got promoted!

Carol: Promoted, after just three days?

Alice: Look out, Howard Hughes, here comes Peter Brady.

Carol: Peter, are you sure?

Peter: Well, I’m not really positive, but I told you how pleased Mr. Martinelli is with my work. Whenever he watches me, he has his surprised look on his face, like he can’t believe it.

Carol: What did Mr. Martinelli say?

Peter: He told me I’d even be better as a bike salesman. He wants to talk to me about it right after work today.

Carol: Oh, that’s wonderful.

Alice: Fantastic. You think that might call for an extra slice of baloney.

(She sets it on the table. Peter has a happy look on his face, which turns into a worried frown back at the bike shop with Mr. Martinelli.)

Martinelli: Peter. you’re a nice boy. You’re neat, you’re prompt, you’re considerate, you never goof off and you always look busy. But you don’t have the talent for the job. I’m sorry, Peter, but I have customers who need their bikes and I just can’t keep them waiting.

Peter: I’ll try harder, Mr. Martinelli.

Martinelli: You try hard enough. But you’re just not mechanically inclined. You know what to do, but somehow it gets lost between here (pointing to his head) and here (using his hands) Good luck, Peter.

(He shakes Peter’s hand and Peter leaves his office.)

Peter (to himself): I got fired.

(The scene fades away.)

(The next scene has Alice and the girls baking a cake to celebrate Peter’s alleged promotion.)

Marcia: That looks great, Alice.

Alice: Just a little Picasso and pastry too.

Cindy: I wish I can learn to do that.

Alice: It takes a little practice.

Jan: How did you learn?

Alice: I started with mudpies and worked my way up.

Marcia: Boy, will Peter be surprised when he sees this.

Alice: Well, he deserves it. (She puts the cake inside the cupboard over the refrigerator) After only three days on the job, he gets a promotion. If anything calls for a celebration, that does.

(Cut to upstairs. P:eter comes in his room and sees Greg studying.)

Greg: Hey, I heard you were promoted.

Peter: No, just the opposite.

(He goes inside the bathroom.)

Greg: Demoted?

Peter (coming out): Outmoded.

Greg: What?

Peter: I got fired.

Greg: Fired? (He gets up and goes in the bathroom with Peter) How come?

Peter: Mr. Martinelli said I’m not mechanically inclined. I guess I’m too slow.

Greg: That’s too bad, Pete.

Peter: I don’t know what to do.

Greg: What did Mom and Dad say?

Peter: I haven’t told them yet. I didn’t want to spoil anybody’s dinner. Especially mine.

Greg: Tell them right after dinner.

(He leaves the bathroom.)

Peter: Yeah, I guess so. (He looks in the mirror) You sure wasn’t a business tycoon for very long.

(Later on, the family is outside having dinner. Alice is collecting plates from everyone. Peter goes to talk to his parents.)

Peter: Mom, Dad, can I talk to you about something?

Mike: Sure.

Carol: I have a feeling it’s gonna be about bicycles.

Peter: Well, sort of.

(He stalls.)

Mike: Yes.

(Alice comes out with the cake.)

Alice: Surprise!

(The girls all follow her and yell surprise as well. Mike and Carol admire it.)

Peter: What’s the cake for?

Jan: To celebrate your promotion.

Cindy: Yeah. Aren’t you surprised?

Peter: Boy, am I ever.

Alice: All the girls helped me make it. Look at that.

(It shows a picture of a bicycle with Congratulations Peter written on it. They all make compliments about it.)

Bobby: Speak, Pete, speak.

Peter: I don’t know what to say, I mean, so much has happened to me today. I guess I should say something. but I can’t, not right now.

(They clap.)

Mike (to Bobby): Give him a sparkle.

Bobby (bringing it to him): Here, Peter. (Alice starts cutting the cake and giving pieces to everyone. Peter’s sparkle goes out, to his dismay.)

(Later on, Peter gets out of bed to talk to Greg.)

Peter: Greg.

Greg (waking up): Yeah.

Peter: I know I should tell Mom and Dad, but I hate to wake them up.

Greg: I don’t think they’re asleep yet.

Peter: If I wait any longer they might be.

Greg: You should’ve told them after dinner.

Peter: How could I with the cake and the speech? Greg, I’m gonna need some advice.

Greg (tiredly): Ask Mr. Martinelli for one more chance. If he takes you back, then you won’t have to say anything to anybody.

Peter: Yeah, yeah, I knew you’d help me. Thanks, Greg. (to himself) Yeah, one more chance. Yeah, yeah.

(Cut to the bike shop the next day. Mr. Martinelli is shaking his head no.)

Martinelli: Peter, like I said before, Peter, you’re a nice boy, very nice boy, and I’m sorry, really sorry, but I have to get a new boy.

Peter: I just thought I’d ask, maybe…

Martinelli: Nothing personal, it’s just, you’re not mechanically inclined.

Peter: Maybe I can learn to be mechanically inclined.

Martinelli: Peter, Peter, some people make picture frames. Some of the people paint the frames. Who knows, maybe you’re an artist. (He sees Peter out of the office) Good-bye.

Peter: Thanks, Mr. Martinelli.

(He starts to leave but comes running back.)

Martinelli: What’s the matter, Peter.

Peter: My sisters. They’re coming to see me. They don’t know I’ve been fired.

Martinelli: You didn’t tell your family.

Peter: Not yet. Please Mr. Martinelli, don’t say anything.

Mr. Martinelli: But….

Peter: Thanks, Mr. Martinelli, I’ll tell them later.

(Mr. Martinelli gets aggravated as the girls enter the shop.)

Martinelli: Well, can I help you young ladies?

Marcia: Well, we’d rather wait for the other salesman to help us.

Martinelli: Other salesman?

Jan: We’re Peter Brady’s sisters.

Cindy: Are you the nice man who promoted him?

Martinelli: Promoted him?

Marcia: Made him a salesman.

Martinelli: Oh, I see.

Jan: We wanted Peter to wait on us.

Cindy: I need a horn for my bike.

(She takes one and squeezes it. Mr. Martinelli looks agitated.)

Martinelli: Why don’t you let me help you with the horn. We got loud horns, soft horns.

Cindy: Now remember, Peter gets the credit for this sale.

Martinelli: Oh, yes, ma’am.

(She squeezes a few more horns. We next see Peter in the park feeding a flock of pigeons.)

Peter: That’s it, that’s all I have to feed you guys. Mr. Martinelli should be closing up the shop about now. So I guess I better be going home, from my job.

(He throws the bag of food away, gets on his bike and goes home. He sees Greg outside as he parks his bike.)

Greg: Congratulations, Peter.

Peter: Huh.

Greg: The girls told me you’re a salesman now. Doing great, huh.

Peter: Yep. Got it right out of my hands.

Greg: I guess you got Mr. Martinelli to take you back.

Peter: He didn’t.

Greg: You’re kidding.

Peter: Yeah, I’m kidding everybody. I asked Mr. Martinelli to cover for me so I can break the news myself.

Greg: Where were you all afternoon?

Peter: In the park.

Greg: Doing what?

Peter: Feeding the pigeons and thinking.

Greg: Pete, you’re gonna have to tell the folks.

Peter (to himself): That’s just I was just thinking.

(The next day, Peter is back at the park with the pigeons.)

Peter: It’s nice to have someone you can tell your troubles to. I wish I could tell my Mom and Dad. But I can’t. I’m a failure at 14. But who am I to tell them a thing like that about their own son.

(Later on, Mike and Carol are playing chess in the family room. Peter comes in.)

Peter: Mom, Dad, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I was just looking for my books. There they are. I’m sorry to bother you.

(He goes to take his books.)

Carol: Peter. Your father and I have been thinking about what you said.

Peter: What did I say?

Mike: About bike riding.

Peter: Oh.

Carol: We decided we’d like to get bicycles.

Mike: And we’ll buy them from Mr. Martinelli’s star salesman.

Peter (alarmed): I wouldn’t do that. All the excursion in a man as old as you are could be bad.

Mike: Just the other day you said it wasn’t too late.

Peter: Well, that was the other day. And besides, some people get excited and go out and buy bikes and never even use them.

Carol: Well, we’d use them.

Mike: Sure we would.

Peter: Well, I’d give it more consideration. Like maybe a week, or two, or even a month. What’s the hurry, excuse me.

(He leaves with his books.)

Carol (surprised): Well, that’s a switch.

Mike: I’ve heard of low pressure salesmen, but never no-pressure salesmen.

Carol: I wonder why the big change.

Mike: Listen, maybe Mr. Martinelli could give us a clue.

Carol: I’d sure love to know what let the air out of Peter’s tires.

(Next, Peter is again at the park feeding the pigeons.)

Peter: You guys just don’t know how lucky you are to be pigeons. Nobody can fire you. You can get free food. But I can’t keep this up forever. Sooner or later I’ll have to tell my Mom and Dad. (He picks one pigeon up) No wonder you guys like me so much. You’re pigeons, and I’m a chicken.

(He hears the sound of a bell. He turns around and sees his parents on the new bikes they just bought. He tosses the pigeon.)

Peter: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

(They put their bikes down and join him.)

Mike: Uh, that’s pretty good for an old man.

Carol: Hey, you got any room on that bench for a woman my age?

(Peter moves over and they both sit down.)

Peter: I was just feeding the pigeons.

Mike: Peter, Mr. Martinelli just told us what happened?

Carol: And Greg filled us in on the rest.

Peter: Oh, I wanted to tell you, but I was too ashamed.

Carol: Peter, that’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Mike: Of course not, there’s no shame in being fired. I lost jobs.

Peter: You have?

Mike: Why, practically everybody has at one time or another.

Peter: But this was my first job, and I bombed out, only after three days.

Carol: Peter, Mr. Martinelli said you really tried. It’s just that, he didn’t think you were cut out for this particular job.

Mike: He thinks you’re a very bright young man.

Peter: Is that what he said? Honest?

Carol: Honest?

Mike: Peter, you should’ve told us, hiding out in the park hasn’t helped anyone.

Carol: Ah, except maybe the pigeons.

Peter: Yeah, they kind of liked it.

Mike: Oh, by the way. (He reaches into his pocket and takes out a check) This is for you from Mr. Martinelli.

Peter: What for?

Carol: That’s your commission for the 2 bikes you talked us into buying.

Peter: But I tried to talk you out of buying them.

Mike: Well, you can’t help it if we’re stubborn.

Peter: You know something, I feel a lot better right now.

Carol: Good, so do we.

Mike: Listen, now that the whole family has bicycles, I know a great way to keep them from rusting away in the garage.

Carol: Aww.

(We next see the entire family riding their bikes down the road, including Alice, who has training wheels. The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike working in his den. Bobby comes home in an excited mood.)

Bobby: Mom, Dad!

Mike: In here, Bob.

(Boby races into the den.)

Bobby: Dad, guess what?

Mike: What?

Bobby: I got my own job, all by myself, I got my own job!

Mike: Hey, you did? (Bobby nodded) Hey, that’s great. What are you doing?

Bobby: Delivering newspapers before school.

Mike: Bob, you have to get up at 5 o’clock in the morning to do that.

Bobby: Well, I don’t mind.

Mike: You have to go all over the neighborhood. You know, that’s miles.

Bobby: Well, I don’t mind.

Mike: Besides, you can’t do that on a bike. You have to have a car.

Bobby: I know.

Mike: Now you’re being silly. You can’t drive.

Bobby: No, but, you can.

(Mike looks at him very incredulously, then hits him on the head with a blueprint.)


S4 E18 The Subject Was Noses

Written by Larry Rhine and Al Schwartz

Marcia breaks a date with a nice guy when the star football player asks her out. I hope you enjoy the script.











VICKI, Marcia’s friend

DOUG SIMPSON, big man on campus

CHARLEY, guy who Marcia dates

(The episode begins at Marcia’s school. She is walking and runs into her friend Vicki.)

Vicki: Hey Marcia, wake up.

Marcia: Hi, Vicki.

Vicki: Wasn’t that a terrific game Friday?

Marcia: Yeah, we got a real team this year.

Vicki: You mean we got Doug Simpson. He’s the whole team.

Marcia: He’s far out.

Vicki: So rugged and handsome.

Marcia: There are other values that are far more important though.

Vicki: Like what?

Marcia: Well. (Pause) Give me time, I’ll think of something.

(They walk and then Vicki looks back. She sees Doug.)

Vicki: Don’t look now, he’s right behind us. Doug Simpson.

Marcia: Just act casual.

(He approaches them.)

Doug: Hi, girls.

Vicki: Good morning, Doug.

Doug: Oh Marcia, I’ve been looking for you.

Marcia: Me?

Doug: Yeah. I was wondering if you’d like to go to a dance with me on Saturday night?

(Marcia is speechless for a minute, then Vicki elbows her.)

Marcia (ecstatic): Yeah, I’d love to.

Doug: Great, Saturday night then. Okay.

Marcia: Bye.

Doug: See you.

Vicki: Bye. (She turns to Marcia) A date with Doug Simpson, can I touch you? It might rub off.

(The girls continue walking while they gloat. Then Marcia realizes something.)

Marcia: Vicki.

Vicki: What’s the matter?

Marcia: I just thought of something awful. I have a date with Charley for Saturday night.

Vicki: Charlie?

Marcia: I was so shook up by Doug that I completely forgot. Now I got two dates for the same night.

Vicki: What are you gonna do?

Marcia: Yeah, what am I gonna do.

(The scene fades out.)

(The next scene has Greg at home working on a bicycle. Charley comes over with a delivery.)

Charley: Hi, Greg.

Greg: Hi, Charley. What’s all that stuff.

Charley: The wallpaper samples for your folks, from my Dad’s shop. Say, is Marcia around?

Greg: No Charley, she’s not home from school yet. You can turn your motor off.

Charley (embarrassed): Well, uh, we’ll see you.

Greg: Sure.

(Inside, Alice is taking some cookies out of the oven.)

Carol: Mmm, Alice, those cookies smell delicious.

Alice: Hope they last till I get them in the cookie jar.

Carol: They sure do go fast.

Alice: In 4 years, not 1 of those kids have ever tasted a cold cookie.

(Charley knocks on the door.)

Carol: Oh, hi Charley, come on in.

Charley (coming in): Hi. Dad sent these samples for your bedroom.

Carol: Oh, good, let’s just set them down here on the table.

Charley: Dad said some of them are pretty expensive, but seeing that you’re Marcia’s mother, I think I can arrange a discount.

Alice: Will a few cookies get a discount on the discount.

Charley (taking a cookie): Thanks.

(Outside, Marcia is coming home.)

Greg: Hi.

Marcia: Hi.

Greg: Better brace yourself, your heartthrob Charley is inside.

Marcia: Charley is here?

Greg: He had to bring over some wallpaper.

Marcia: Greg, I need your advice about something.

Greg: Sure, what?

Marcia: What is the easiest way to break a date with a guy?

Greg: Break a date?

Marcia: Yeah.

Greg: Uh, tell him you’re sick or you had to go out of town.

Marcia: Mmm mmm, he might see me at school.

Greg: Why don’t you do what us guys always do. tell him suddenly came up.

Marcia: Something suddenly came up. That’s all?

Greg: It always works.

Marcia: Besides, it’s not even a lie. Thanks, Greg.

Greg: Do you have to break a date with Charley?

Marcia: Yeah.

Greg: How come?

Marcia: Something suddenly came up.

(She walks away and leaves Greg baffled. Back inside with Charley, Carol and Alice.)

Charley: My dad picked out these patterns for you himself.

Carol: That was very sweet of him.

Alice (pulling one up): How do you like this one, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: Oh, it looks good on you, Alice. let’s see how it looks on the bedroom wall. Bye, Charlie.

Alice: Help yourself to more cookies.

Charley: Thanks, we’ll see you.

(Marcia comes inside.)

Marcia: Hi.

Charley: Hi, Marcia. Gee, I was hoping I’d get to see you.

Marcia (sheepishly): Charley, there’s something I have to….

Charley: Oh, Saturday night, I can pick you up at 7. We can go to a movie, and afterwards, maybe some pizza.

Marcia: Well, I’m sorry….

Charley: If you don’t like pizza, maybe some tacos.

Marcia: It’s not that.

Charley: Hamburgers, chili dogs, you name it, you got it.

Marcia: Charley, I have to break our date.

Charley: You do? Gee, I hope nothing’s wrong.

Marcia: No, it’s just that, something suddenly came up.

Charley: Oh, well, I’m sure sorry.

Marcia: So am I, but…

Charley: Maybe we can make it some other time.

Marcia: Sure.

Charley: Well, I better be getting back to the shop. See you, Marcia.

Marcia: Bye.

(Cut to the parents’ bedroom, where Mike put up two samples of wallpaper for him and Carol to decide on.)

Mike: Well, I don’t know, honey. Out of the two, the only one I halfway like is the one with the stripes.

Carol: No, I prefer the one with the roses.

Mike: Well, that’s okay if it was just a lady’s room. (He laughs) I mean, just a room for a lady. But, I like the stripes better.

Carol: Oh, honey, I would feel like I was in jail. Nah, I like the rose pattern much better.

(Alice comes by.)

Alice: Hi, did you decide anything yet?

Carol: No, Alice. Whiuch one do you like best?

Alice: Me?

Mike: Yeah, which one do you like?

Alice: Which one do you like, Mr. Brady?

Mike: I like the stripes.

Alice: Oh, you couldn’t have made a better choice. There’s nothing nicer than stripes.

Carol: I like the roses.

Alice: Yes, of course is roses. Roses are so (Pause) rosy. How about striped roses (Mike laughs) Rose colored stripes?

Carol: Oh, come on, Alice. what do you honestly think?

Alice: I honestly think I should keep my mouth shut.

(Mike laughs and Bobby and Cindy come by.)

Cindy: Hey Bobby, look at the wallpaper.

Bobby: That’s really neat, it sure doesn’t match.

Mike: What do you think?

Cindy: I like the roses the best.

Bobby: I like the stripes.

Bobby: I like the way it runs in the family.

(Carol laughs. We next take you to the boys’ room. Greg is doing homework and Marcia knocks.)

Greg: Come in.

Marcia: I just wanted to thank you for the advice.

Greg: About how to break your date?

Marcia: Mmm hmm. It worked fine.

Greg; How did Charley take it?

Marcia: Fine. It didn’t seem to bother him at all.

Greg: Good.

Marcia: But it made me feel awful.

Greg: You wanted the date with Doug, didn’t you?

Marcia: Sure. when I think about having a chance to go out with a guy like Doug, I feel fantastic. He’s so good-looking, popular and terrific.

Greg: Right.

Marcia: But when I think of Charley, just a plain, sweet, ordinary guy, sitting home alone, I feel terrible.

Greg: Then just think about Doug.

Marcia: You’re right. Doug’s the biggest man on campus. A girl would be out of her mind not to go out with him.

Greg: Sure.

Marcia: But poor old Charley, nice as can be, all alone Saturday night. I’m a rat.

Greg: Marcia, I can’t keep up with you.

Marcia: Me either. It’s not easy being a woman.

Greg: Well, I’ll tell you one thing, it’s a lot easier for you than it is for me.

(They laugh and now we go downstairs. Jan and Cindy are in the family room playing chess.)

Jan: Cindy, will you move?

Cindy: I’m thinking.

Jan: You only got one move to make, and you’re gonna lose. What’s there to think about?

Cindy: I’m thinking about losing.

(Charley knocks on the door.)

Jan: Oh, come in, Charley.

Charley: Hi, I just brought some new samples for your folks.

Jan: Oh, Mom’s upstairs.

Charley: Is Marcia around?

Jan: No, she hasn’t gotten back from school yet.

Charley: Oh.

(He walks away with the samples.)

Cindy: Boy, he sure is hung up on Marcia.

Jan: Yeah, poor Charley. Too bad she had to break her date with him.

Cindy: Why did she break her date?

Jan: Something suddenly came up.

Cindy: What?

Jan: You’re too young to understand.

(Doug gives Marcia a ride home. They pull in with his car.)

Jan: Oh no, Doug’s here.

Cindy: So what?

Jan; Cindy, you’re too young to understand.

(He gets up and opens the door for Marcia to get out of the car.)

Marcia: Thanks.

Doug: Sure.

Marcia: Thanks for the ride home, Doug.

Doug: Any time. You make the car look great, Marcia.

Marcia: Thanks.

Doug: Hey, don’t forget about our date on Saturday night.

Marcia: No way.

Jan (coming outside): Hi.

Marcia: Hi. (to Doug) I’d like you to meet my sister Jan. This is Doug Simpson.

Jan: Hi.Marcia

Marcia (to Doug): Hey, how would you like to come in the house for a cold drink.

Jan (abruptly): He can’t.

Marcia: What do you mean he can’t.

Jan: We’re all out of cold drinks.

Marcia: How about a cold piece of fruit or something.

Jan: We’re all out of fruit too. And besides, it’s such a mess upstairs with all the wallpaper samples’

Marcia: So what? We’ll stay downstairs.

Jan: Well, there are wallpaper samples all over the place, and that wallpaper didn’t walk in by itself, you know.

Marcia: Huh.

Jan: Somebody had to bring them.

(Marcia suddenly realizes.)

Marcia: Oh, yes, of course, I know what you mean. Jan’s right, the place is a mess.

Doug: Oh, well, I’ve got to get to football practice anyway, so I’ll see you, Marcia. (He gets into the car and Marcia reaches for her books) Oh, and, nice meeting you, Jan.

Jan: Yeah.

Marcia: Bye, see you at school.

Doug: Okay, see you then.

(He starts to drive off.)

Marcia: Boy, thanks for telling me Charley was here. That could have been a disaster.

Cindy (coming out): What could have been a disaster?

Marcia: Cindy, you’re too young to understand.

(Marcia and Jan go inside.)

Cindy (to herself): I wish I was old enough to understand all these things I’m too young to understand.

(That evening, Mike and Carol are in their bedroom.)

Mike: At last we found a pattern we can agree on.

Carol (laughing): Yeah, it only took two days and 100 samples.

Mike: I’ll give Charlie’s father the order in the morning.

Carol: Hey honey, wait a minute. It just occurred to me.

Mike: What does?

Carol: Well, if we use this wallpaper, we’re gonna have to get new drapes. (Mike laughs) yeah, and look at this carpeting. If we’re gonna get new wallpaper and new drapes, we’re gonna have get new carpeting.

Mike (astonished): New carpeting?

Carol: Yeah, and look at the bed spread. Honey, if we get new wallpaper, new drapers and new carpeting, we’re gonna have to have a new bed spread.

Mike: Listen honey, I got a great idea.

Carol: What?

Mike: Forget the wallpaper, let’s paint.

Carol: Okay, let’s paint. But we’re still gonna need new carpeting, new drapes and a new bed spread.

Mike: Not if we repaint the same color.

Carol: Oh, honey.

(Peter and Bobby are outside playing football.)

Peter: Okay, last quarter, and we’re behind, 7 to 6.

Bobby: Okay.

(Bobby gives the ball to Peter.)

Peter: 2, hut, hike.

(Bobby runs and throws the ball to Peter.)

Peter: Touchdown!

(Marcia is inside on the phone with Doug.)

Marcia: me too. I’m really looking forward to Saturday night, Doug. Yeah, I hate to say good-bye too. Bye.

(She hags the phone up in a trance. Carol comes by.)

Carol: Doug? (Marcia nods) When you come back to Earth would you please go tell the boys to come in and straighten up their room.

Marcia: Yeah.

(Back outside with the boys.)

Peter: 15, 64, 50, 80, 90, hike.

Marcia (coming outside): Hey, you guys. (Peter throws the ball to Bobby and hits Marcia in the face) Oh, my nose!

(Peter and Bobby come running to her.)

Bobby: Marcia, are you okay?

Peter: Are you hurt? We’re really sorry.

(Inside, Carol has her nose in a paper towel and ice.)

Carol: Oh, let’s take a look at it, honey.

Marcia (dismayed): It’s getting bigger by the minute.

Mike: We better get her to a doctor right away.

Carol: I hope it isn’t broken.

Marcia: What’s the difference. There goes my date with Doug.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Marcia looking in the mirror in her bedroom. Jan looks on.)

Marcia: Look at my nose. It’s getting bigger by the minute.

Jan: Oh, it’s not that big. It just seems that way because you’ve been staring at it.

Marcia: How can I avoid it? Wherever I look, there it is.

Jan: Look on the brightside. The doctor said it wasn’t broken.

(Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Marcia, I brought you some more ice.

Marcia: No more ice, Cindy. My nose is freezing. It’s turning blue.

Cindy: It’s a nice shade of blue.

Marcia: I wish I can go out on a date and leave my nose at home.

Jan: Doug’s a football player. He’s probably used to a lot of swollen noses.

Marcia: Yeah, but not on girls.

Cindy: Marcia, I’m proud to be your sister, now matter how terrible you look.

Marcia (annoyed): Thanks a lot.

(She goes to sit on the bed and Carol comes in.)

Carol: Hey, your nose is beginning to look better already (to Jan and Cindy) Isn’t it, girls? (They agree) Why don’t you try taking your mind off that nose. Help your father and me. We’re just starting to paint the bedroom. (Jan and Cindy go with Carol. Marcia stays.) Come on. It’s gonna be a lot of fun.

Marcia (to herself): Get my mind off of it. (She starts to envision the game over again) I’ll never forget that football game as long as I live. (She pictures the ball hitting her nose a few times, with her yelling Oh, my nose)

(Now we bring you to Mike and Carol’s room, where the rest of the family is painting.)

Mike: Okay, kids, let’s get to work. Now, remember, this is not a game. Paint up and down, not in circles. Neatness counts.

Carol: Yeah, and be careful. The paint goes on the walls, not on your clothes.

Mike: Okay, let’s go.

(Peter criticizes Jan’s painting.)

Peter: You’re never gonna finish like that. Let me show you how. Give me your brush.

Greg: Hey, Pete.

(He turns around and Jan puts the brush in Peter’s hand, getting paint all over it. Bobby and Cindy are playing tic-tac-toe on another wall. Mike comes around.)

Mike (sternly): Didn’t I tell you kids no games? Besides, that’s paint for the window trim.

Bobby: Well, can’t we just finish it?

Mike: You are finished. Go.

(He washes the game off with a rag. Greg is painting near the door and Alice comes in. Greg accidentally paints her mouth.)

Greg (calling): Turpentine.

(Cut to Greg and Marcia’s school. They are walking around outside with Marcia putting her binder in front of her.)

Greg: You can’t go around school all day hiding behind that binder.

Marcia: I wouldn’t have come to school at all today if it hadn’t been for those two dumb tests.

Greg: Can’t you just try to forget about your nose.

Marcia (bitterly): I can’t. I don’t want Doug to see me until Saturday. By then the swelling might go down.

Greg: Oh, I get it. Well, keep it hidden then. See you.

Marcia: Bye.

(She continues to walk behind the binder. Then she literally runs into Doug. She goes to the water fountain and drinks heavily, in an attempt to hide her nose.)

Doug: Marcia, hey, I didn’t recognize you behind your notebook. I’ll walk you to your next class.

Marcia: That’s okay, oh, I’m really thirsty. Go on ahead.

Doug: Well, I’ll wait.

Marcia: That’s okay. I wouldn’t want you to be late on account of me.

Doug: I’ve never seen anybody drink that much water. You must be part camel.

(Marcia looks up at him and Doug sees her nose.)

Doug: Marcia, what happened?

Marcia: The silliest little thing. My brothers were playing football and my nose got in the way. It’s just a little bump.

Doug: Yeah, you can hardly even notice it. Uh, look, Marcia, the reason I wanted to walk to your class with you is, I have to tell you something. You see, I’m afraid we have to break our date for Saturday night.

Marcia: Break our date?

Doug: Yeah, well, you see, something suddenly came up.

Marcia: Something suddenly came up?

Doug: Yeah (The school bell rings) Well, I don’t want you to be late for class, okay. See you.

(He walks away.)

Marcia (to herself): Something suddenly came up.

(That evening, Alice is making up the couches in the family room for Carol and Mike to sleep in.)

Alice: Well, it won’t be as comfortable as your own bed, Mrs. Brady, but at least you won’t be inhaling paint all night.

Carol (laughing): Yeah, I can inhale beautiful, fresh, pure smog.

Alice: Some choice.

Carol: I’m so glad Marcia finally went to sleep. She was so upset.

Alice: Yeah, poor kid. She stood looking in the mirror saying “why me, why me”. Come to think of it, that’s what I say when I look in the mirror too.

(Carol laughs.)

Alice: Well, that ought to do it. Good night, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Good night, Alice. Thank you.

(Mike comes in.)

Alice: Good night, Mr. Brady. Happy sofa.

Mike: Thanks, Alice, and my sagwil thanks you too.

Carol: Mike. Do you realize that this will be the first night since we’ve been married that we haven’t slept in the same bed?

Mike: Breaks up the monotony, doesn’t it.

Carol: Now Mike, come on, don’t start that.

Mike: Oh, come on, can’t you take a joke?

Carol: Sure. I married you, didn’t I.

Mike: Oh, wait a second.

(They laugh and then kiss each other good night. Later on, they hear a noise form the kitchen.)

Mike: I wonder who’s in the kitchen.

Carol: I don’t know, there’s one way to find out. (calling) Who’s in the kitchen?

Marcia (coming in): Me, Mom.

Carol: Wanna talk?

Marcia: Could we?

Mike: Sure, come in, sweetheart.

(He turns a light on and she sits down.)

Marcia: I couldn’t really sleep.

Carol: Marcia, honey, your nose isn’t gonna be swollen forever.

Mike: Try to forget about Saturday night.

Carol: Even though it wasn’t very nice of that boy to break your date.

Marcia: I guess I deserve it. I wasn’t very nice myself.

Mike: What do you mean?

Marcia: I broke my date with Charley for the same night just so I could go out with Doug Simpson, the big man on campus.

Carol: You’re right. That wasn’t very nice.

Mike: I think your problem isn’t a swollen nose, it’s a bruised conscience.

Marcia: I guess so.

(The next day, Marcia is moping outside in the backyard. Cindy comes up to her.)

Cindy: I came to cheer you up.

Marcia: Thanks, Cindy.

Cindy: Want to go to the corner for some ice cream. I found some money in the sofa.

Marcia: No, thanks.

Cindy: Marcia, do you mind being cheered up?

Marcia: No, it’s okay.

Cindy: Because when someone tries to cheer you up, and you don’t wanna be cheered up, it’s not very cheery.

Marcia: That’s right.

Cindy: Did I cheer you up?

Marcia: I’m afraid not.

Cindy: I guess I’ll get some ice cream anyway. Maybe it will cheer me up.

(Jan comes to Marcia with a record album.)

Jan: Hey, Marcia, do you want to listen to my new record album with me? It’s really far out.

Marcia: I’m not in the mood for enjoying myself.

Jan: I’ve seen you down before, but this has got to be the downest.

(Charley comes by.)

Charley: Hi, Marcia.

Marcia: Hi, Charley.

Charley: I just stopped by to pick up the paint brushes (He notices her nose) What happened to your nose?

Marcia: I had a little accident.

Charley: That’s too bad. Hey, I was thinking, if you can’t go out with me Saturday, how about Sunday.

Marcia: Not with this nose.

Charley: Marcia, I wanna take out all of you, not just your nose.

Marcia: Charley, I couldn’t go out with you or anybody else looking like this.

(The next morning, the girls are awoken by their alarm clock.)

Cindy (waking up): Why is it that nights are so short and days are so long?

Jan: Because during the day we have to go to school.

(Cindy notices something.)

Cindy (excited): Jan, look!

Jan: What? (She notices) Marcia, your nose!

Marcia: Don’t remind me, I dreamt I was Pinocchio.

Jan: No, the swelling is gone. Your nose is back to normal.

Marcia (feeling her nose): What? (She rushes to the mirror) It is back to normal, it’s me again! now the world can look me in the face and I can look back! I can’t believe it!

(Cut to the school, where Charley is sitting on a bench and Doug is walking by.)

Charley: Hey, Doug, that was a great game you played last week.

Doug: Oh, thanks a lot. Uhh…

Charley: Charley.

Doug: Yeah, right, Charley.

(Marcia and Greg are walking and they see Doug.)

Doug: Hi, Greg. Hi, Marcia.

Marcia: Hi.

Doug: Hey, Marcia. Wait up. Your nose is okay.

Marcia: Yeah, it is.

Doug: Um, Marcia, I was looking for you. My aunt, who was coming to town, well she changed her plans, so our date for Saturday night is still on. Okay?

Marcia: Sorry, Doug. I can’t make it.

Doug (surprised): You can’t?

Marcia: Something suddenly came up.

Doug: Oh, I see. Well, if you change your plane, let me know, okay.

Marcia: Sure.

Doug: See you.

Greg: See you, Doug. Nice going, Marcia. See you later.

Marcia: Bye. (She walks and then sees Charley on the bench) Charley, is that you?

Charley: Hi, Marcia.

Marcia: Hi.

Charley: I was just tying my shoelace. (He notices Marcia’s nose) Hey, your nose is back to its old self.

Marcia: Yeah, it’s okay now.

Charley: But like I said, you look great with any kind of nose.

Marcia: Thanks. Charley, there’sa something I have to tell you.

Charley: What?

Marcia: Well, I played a dirty trick on you.

Charley: Dirty trick?

Marcia: I broke the date I had with you Saturday because Doug Simpson asked me out for the same night. That was the something that suddenly came up.

Charley: You’re right. That was a dirty trick.

Marcia: I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry.

Charley: It’s okay.

Marcia: Hey, by the way, I’m still available if you’d like to go out with me on Saturday night.

Charley: I’d like to.

(The bell rings.)

Marcia: Good, I’ll walk you to class. Come on.

(They walk but then Charley trips and falls.)

Charley: I tied my shoelace to the bench.

Marcia (laughing): Charley, are you all right?

Charley: Clumsy, but all right.

(Cut to Saturday night. Mike and Carol are in the living room.)

Mike: It’s getting kind of late.

Carol: Oh, honey, Marcia’s just having a good time.

Mike: I’m not worried. I just said it was getting kind of late.

(Carol looks at her watch.)

Carol: My goodness, it is getting late.

Mike: Don’t worry, she’s just having a good time.

(Marcia comes in the front door.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Marcia: Hi.

Mike: Hi, sweetheart. (She sits down) Did you and Charley have a good time?

Marcia: Oh yeah, the movie was great. Charley’s really super.

Carol: Sounds like you had fun.

Marcia: Mmm hmm. Guess who we ran into later at the pizza place.

Mike: Don’t tell me Doug Simpson.

Carol: Big man on campus?

Marcia: Yep.

Carol: Was it uncomfortable?

Marcia: Well, Doug started teasing me about breaking my date with him, so Charley defended me. They got into a fight.

Carol: Fight! I hope nobody was hurt.

Marcia: I’m afraid he was. His nose was swollen up like a balloon.

Carol: Aw, poor Charley.

Marcia: Charley? it was Doug! Charley really belted him. Doug was so embarrasses that he ran home. Isn’t that dumb, just because of a swollen nose? What an ego.

Mike: Well it seems to me I remember someone else who felt exactly the same way when her nose was swollen up like a balloon.

Marcia: Who?

Mike: Who, you.

Marcia: Me.

Carol: Short memory.

(Marcia gets up and goes upstairs.)

Marcia: Good night.

(The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Carol and Mike in their room. They are inspecting the paint job they did.)

Mike: Yeah, it looks great.

Carol: It really does. It looks like it’s been done by professional painters.

Mike: Well.

Carol: Mike, it just occurred to me.

Mike: What?

Carol: Now that we painted the bedroom, it makes the hallway look really shabby.

Mike: Oh, Carol.

Carol: I think we’re gonna have to paint the hallway.

Mike: Just the hallway.

Carol: Well, now that you mentioned it, we probably have to paint the stairs, too.

Mike: Yeah, now that I mentioned it.

Carol: Yeah, and probably the entry hall. And while we’re at it, we might as well paint your den. You’d like to have your den painted, would you Mike? (She notices he’s walked away) Mike, Mike (He startles her, she pinches his chin and kisses him) We can paint, can’t we?

Mike: We just did.

(They kiss again.)


S4 E17 Bobby’s Hero

Bobby’s Hero

Written by Michael Morris

Bobby idolizes Jesse James and drives the family crazy trying to emulate him. Hope you enjoy the script.











MR. HILLARY, principal of Bobby’s school


MR. COLLINS, visitor to the Brady house

JESSE JAMES in Bobby’s dream

(The episode begins with Carol and Alice in the kitchen. Carol brings a tray containing a sandwich and pot of tea to Mike, who is working in his den.)

Mike: I didn’t hear you come in.

Carol: Well, I never disturb a genius at work, so I guess I’m not bothering you.

(He gives her an unhappy lock.)

Mike (sarcastically): Thank you.

Carol: So, how’s the speech coming?

Mike: I didn’t realize it would be this much research.

Carol: What’s it gonna be about?

Mike: The use of ancient architecture in modern buildings.

Carol: Huh, that ought to turn them on. (The phone rings) Hello, yes, this is Mrs. Brady. Oh, hello, Mr. Hillary. My husband happens to be at home right now as a matter of fact. Yes, we can both come over. Yes, okay, Mr. Hillary, yes, we’ll see you in a little while. Thank you, bye.

(She hangs up.)

Mike: Bad news.

Carol: He didn’t say. When the principal calls, is it ever good news?

(Cut to the kitchen, where Alice is figuring out what the family needs from the market.)

Alice (to herself): Salt, pepper, (she checks the cookie jar) Cookies! (She checks a box of cookies and sees it is nearly empty) Salt! Pepper! Cookies! (She runs to a list and writes the items down. Carol and Mike come out.)

Carol: Alice, Mr. Brady and I have to go see the principal.

Mike: We won’t be gone long.

Alice: Okay, Mr. Brady. (She is busy writing and then realizes what they said) Principal! Which principal? (to herself) Elementary school, junior high, senior high? I wonder which kid has done what to who and where.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Carol and Mike in Mr. Hillary’s office, the principal at Bobby’s school.)

Hillary: My hero by Robert Brady. My hero is a very famous man, just like Robin Hood and the Three Musketeers. He was a great American and his name is (He takes his glasses off) Jesse James.

Mike (surprised): Jesse James?

Carol: The outlaw?

Hillary: It disturbs me when impressionable children like Bobby, read books and see movies that glorify men like Jesse James, make them into folk heroes. Jesse James was a cruel and vicious killer.

Carol: I’m really surprised at Bobby.

Hillary: Don’t be, Mrs. Brady. Look what’s happening today. The press writes stories about gangsters and skyjackers, they make them seem very glamorous in the eyes of the children.

Mike: Like today’s criminals will probably be tomorrow’s folk heroes.

Carol: Well, we’ll certainly discuss this with Bobby, Mr. Hillary.

Hillary: Good. Oh, Bobby’s teacher wouldn’t have brought this composition to my attention if it hadn’t been for this.

(He takes a capgun out of his drawer, which belongs to Bobby. he hands it to Mike.)

Mike: He knows better than to bring a capgun to school.

Hillary: At recess, he was playing Jesse James, pretending to hold up the other kids. It wasn’t the first time so I thought this was an area where the parents and the school ought to get together.

Carol: We really appreciate it, Mr. Hillary.

Mike: We’ll certainly have a talk with him. I’m sure he doesn’t intend to make a profession out of being an outlaw.

(He and Carol laugh. We move to the next scene, where Bobby and Cindy are playing Jesse James in the backyard.)

Bobby: One wrong move from anybody on this train, and you get it.

Cindy: Please don’t shoot me, Mr. James.

Bobby (taking his hat off): Just give me your money, lady.

(She pretends to put money in his hat.)

Cindy: Here, that’s all I have.

Bobby: Thank you, ma’am. Okay, now, everybody stay in your seats until I jump off. (He pretends to get off and get on his horse. Cindy runs up to him.) You’re supposed to be on the train.

Cindy: No, I’m not. Now, I’m the posse hunting you down.

Bobby: You’ll never get me. Nobody gets Jesse James.

(They run into the house and through the kitchen, where Alice is mopping.)

Cindy: Jesse James, you’re under arrest.

Bobby: No way, you can’t arrest me here.

Cindy: Why not?

Bobby: I just crossed the Rio Grande River. This is Mexico.

Alice: Well, vamoose, you calla heroes, because all of Mexico is gonna get mopped up.

Cindy: But I have to arrest him first.

Bobby: Forget it, deputy, even a U.S. Marshall can’t arrest you once you get into Mexico.

Cindy: Is that true, Alice?

Alice (pondering at first): As El presidente of Mexico, I give u permission to take this hombre prisoner.

Bobby: You can’t, you have to have extradition papers.

(Mike and Carol come out with Bobby’s gun.)

Mike: I got some, and I’m extraditing you into my den right now.

Carol: Move it, Jesse.

(Bobby is in the den with his parents. They are discussing the composition he wrote.)

Bobby: What’s the matter? I got a C+, that’s not to bad.

Mike: Bob, it isn’t the grade. What we’re interested in is how you happened to write it?

Bobby: I had to. It was an assignment.

Carol: Bobby, what we mean is, why did you choose Jesse James for your hero.

Bobby: Well, I guess because he’s famous.

Mike: Bobby, he’s famous because he robbed and killed a whole lot of innocent people.

Carol: Bobby, did you know that almost everything Jesse James did was against the law?

Bobby: My pal Jimmy wrote about Robin Hood. Robin Hood was against the law. Nobody got mad at Jimmy.

Carol: Honey, we’re not getting mad at you. We’re just interested in knowing why you chose to write about Jesse James, that’s all.

Mike: listen, right now, he may seem like a very colorful, western character to you. But in actual fact, he was just a criminal. Now that may be easier for you to understand when u get a little older.

Bobby: Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’ll probably just grow out of it.

(Cut to the kitchen, where Alice and Carol are making dinner and Marcia and Jan are setting the table.)

Alice: Give that about 5 more minutes, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Good, Alice. (to Marcia and Jan) Girls, don’t forget the salad forks.

Marcia: Okay, Mom.

Jan: We won’t.

(Mike comes out.)

Mike: Ladies, can I have your attention for a minute?

Carol: Sure.

(He motions to Marcia and Jan to come closer.)

Mike: I’ve almost finished my speech for the convention. I want to start it out with a joke, because, I want to do something to get their attention, so, can I try it out on you?

Carol: Sure, we’d all love to hear it.

Mike: So I come in, and I say, Mr. Chairman, ladies and gentlemen, fellow architects, honored guests. Before I launch into my subject for this evening, I would like to make a very important announcement about our progress in city planning. I hear that we’ve just torn down a freeway to make room for a slum. (They look at him like they don’t get it) That’s the joke. (Alice laughs) Well, to architects it might be funny.

Carol: Well, sure, honey, it’s just that, none of us are architects.

(That evening, the family is at the dinner table, about to have pizza. They say a prayer before eating.)

Mike: And keep us ever mindful of thy bountiful blessings. Amen.

(The rest of the family says Amen. Bobby’s capgun accidentally goes off.)

Mike: Bobby!

Bobby: I didn’t mean to pull the trigger.

Mike: We have told you before, no toys at the table, and especially capguns.

Bobby: I’m sorry, Dad. I won’t play with it again.

Mike: Yeah, well, just to make sure.

(He puts his hand out for Boby to give it to him.)

Peter: You and that dumb Jesse James.

Jan: What about Jesse James?

Greg: Bobby wrote an English composition about him. He’s his hero.

(Carol smiles.)

Cindy: I had to write about a hero once. I got an A.

Marcia: Who did you write it on?

Cindy: Joan of Arc. She saw visions, and she won battles. And later she was made a saint. She was a great woman.

Bobby: That’s okay for you. You got a lot better chance of being a woman than I have.

(Greg and Carol smile.)

Peter: Personally, I like George Washington. Now, there’s a hero.

Bobby: Fat chance I got of being father of my country.

Greg: Bobby, there are lots of great heroes that are around right now. Take Wilt Chamberlain for instance.

Mike: Yeah, now there’s a great guy for you to follow.

Bobby: Yeah, some chance I got of being 7’2″, and black.

(They all laugh.)

Carol: Just eat your pizza.

(After dinner, Mike and Carol are in the den. Mike is rehearsing his speech.)

Mike: Chairman, fellow architects, honored guests.

(Bobby comes in with a newspaper in his hand.)

Bobby: Dad, Mom, can I ask a favor?

Mike: What?

Bobby: Well, could I stay up a little bit after my bedtime tonight?

Carol: What for?

Bobby: You see, there’s this really neat movie on television, and I’ve never seen it. Is it okay?

Carol: What’s the picture?

Bobby: Well, it’s called….. you see….

Mike: What’s it called?

Bobby (sheepishly): Jesse James on the vengeance trail.

Carol (shocked): Jesse James?

Mike (sternly): Bobby, what have we been talking about? We have had enough Jesse James around here and that’s it.

Bobby: But, Dad.

Carol: Bobby, you heard your father, that’s it.

Bobby: Okay.

(He leaves.)

Mike: Close the door.

(He closes it.)

Mike: Honey, Jesse James must have killed 45 people in that picture.

Carol: That was before the credits.

Mike: Imagine Bobby watching a picture like that.

Carol: Yeah, imagine.

(This gives them an idea. Later that night, Bobby watches the movie with Carol and Mike.)

Bobby: Thanks for letting me watch the show.

Mike: This is one movie about Jesse James we thought would be a good idea for you to see.

(Carol and Mike discuss the movie to each other.)

Carol: I think this is the scene where he robs the bank.

Mike: Yeah, he shoots all the customers in the back.

(They show James walking into the bank. Then he leaves the bank and gets on his horse, then rides away.)

Bobby: Wow, Jesse didn’t even use a gun!

Carol (to Mike): They skipped the whole incident!

Mike: They edited it out. (They show him riding off) They skipped another scene where they killed everybody.

Carol: Mike, I forgot what happens here.

Mike: I’m not sure I remember, but I think this is where he shoots the prospector in the back and he rides off with the daughter as a hostage.

(They show a scene with James riding off with the daughter.)

Bobby: Boy, isn’t Jesse nice to give that girl a ride?

(Carol motions to Mike to confer in the kitchen.)

Carol: They took out all the violence just as we were trying to prove a point. Jesse James will be even more of a hero to him now.

Mike: You know, maybe Bobby has the answer to this himself.

Carol: What do you mean?

Mike: Well, he said he’d probably grow out of it.

Carol: Yeah, maybe you got a point. Let’s just wait and see what happens.

(Bobby is in the family room still watching the movie.)

Bobby: Wow, look at Jesse ride.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike in his den searching for his speech.)

Mike: Carol, Carol!

(She comes running in the den.)

Carol: I’m right here, honey.

Mike: Sorry. Look, honey, it’s my speech. I put it right here (his draft board) last night but now it’s not here.

Carol: Well, don’t get too upset. We’ll find it. It’s got to be here someplace.

Mike: I’ve been all over this house and around here for the second time.

Peter: Mom, Dad, I’ve come here to discuss a very delicate manner.

Mike: What?

Peter: My allowance. You forgot.

Mike: I did?

Peter: Yeah.

Mike: Listen, I will give you an extra dollar if you find the speech I lost. It’s on paper just like this.

Peter: Hey, great.

Mike: No, no, no, we’ll look here. You look around the house.

Carol: Yeah, go pass the word around to the rest of the kids.

Peter: Do I have to?

Mike: Yes.

Peter: Okay.

(He hangs around.)

Mike: What?

Peter: My allowance. (Mike takes his wallet out and gives Peter money) Thanks.

(Cut to outside, where Marcia and Jan are looking in garbage cans. Cindy comes out.)

Cindy: What are you doing?

Marcia: We’re looking for something.

Cindy: Can I look too?

Marcia: Sure.

Cindy: Can I ask you something?

Marcia: What?

Cindy: What am i looking for?

Jan: Dad’s speech. There’s a reward for whoever finds it. 1 dollar.

Cindy: Wow.

(Bobby comes by playing Jesse James.)

Bobby: All right, all you women to the rear of the bank.

Marcia: Bobby, would you leave us alone?

Jan: Just get lost.

Bobby: Nobody tells Jesse James to get lost.

Cindy: Well, we’re telling you. Get lost.

Bobby: All right, I’ll just rob me a different bank.

(Meanwhile, Peter and Greg are looking in the coat closet by the front door for Mike’s speech.)

Greg: Dad could’ve stuck his speech in his pocket and forgot it.

Peter: For a dollar, it’s worth a look.

(They search the jackets and then Bobby comes up to them.)

Peter: It’s not in this one.

Greg: Not in that one either.

Bobby: Okay, stick ’em up, both of you. Now that you got the bank vault open, just empty it out.

Greg: Will you beat it?

Bobby: You’re talking to Jesse James, partner.

Peter: Knock it off.

Bobby: Into the bank vault, both of you.

Greg: I got a better idea. You get in the bank vault, Jesse.

(They both grab Bobby and lock him in the closet. Bobby screams to let him out. Mike comes around.)

Mike: Boys, boys, what’s going on?

Greg: Great Jesse James just got captured.

Mike: Okay, joke’s over. Come on.

(They walk away while Bobby screams to let him out. The door opens and Bobby falls. Mike gets him back up.)

Mike (sternly): Now, I want this to stop! Am I coming through loud and clear?

Bobby: But, Dad, they…

Mike: No buts, no more Jesse James, Bob, and that’s an order.

Bobby: Yes, sir.

(Carol comes up to him.)

Carol: Mr. Chairman, fellow architect and Mike Brady. It gives me great pleasure to tell you that I found your speech.

Mike (relieved): Oh! Great honey, where did you find it.

Carol: In a very strange place.

Mike: Where?

Carol: Your briefcase.

Mike: My brief… (He suddenly realizes) I put it in my briefcase when I did my research in the library the other day. Oh, how dumb. Sweetheart, you are a lifesaver.

(He gives her a big kiss.)

Carol: Is that all i get?

Mike: What did you expect?

Carol (putting out her hand): A dollar.

(He takes his wallet out. We next see Mike at the library. He brings his books back.)

Mike: I’d like to check these books in, please.

Librarian: Certainly. I hope they were helpful.

Mike: Yes, they were. I finished my research.

Librarian: Good. We’re just delighted when our library can be useful.

Mike: I was interested in finding some books on Jesse James.

Librarian: Jesse James?

Mike: Yes, but I didn’t want novels. I’d like to have factual counts on his life.

Librarian: Mmm hmm. As a matter of fact, we have several good books on his life. (She points) Right over there.

(That evening, Mike is in his bedroom reading a book entitled the real Jesse James. Carol is upset because it is keeping her awake.)

Carol: Honey, can we put the light out in the old bunkhouse. The cattle drive starts early in the morning.

Mike: Mmm hmm.

Carol: Honey, this cowhand needs a little shuteye.

Mike: You know, this is a very interesting book. It was written by a fellow whose father was killed by Jesse James, and it’s got a bunch of eyewitness accounts.

Carol: Hmm, maybe Bobby ought to read it.

Mike: Yeah, I got a better idea. You know, in the flyleaf, of the biography of the author, it said when the book was written, he lived in Sundale.

Carol: That’s not far from here.

Mike: Right.

(The next day, Mr. Collins, the author of the book, comes over to visit. Mike greets him at the door.)

Mike: Mr. Collins.

Collins: Yes, sir, that’s me.

Mike: How do you do, I’m Mike Brady. (They shake hands) Come in. Thanks for coming.

Collins: Oh, I’m glad I know someone read my book. I thought I was the only one who bought a copy.

Mike: It was a very interesting book. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I think you’re gonna be able to help us with our son, Bob.

Collins: I’ve been thinking over what you told me on the phone. I feel sure I can straighten out that boy of yours.

Mike: Good. (Carol comes out) Honey, I’d like you to meet Mr. Collins, (he takes his hat off and they shake hands) Mr. Collins, this is Mr. Brady.

Collins: Pleasure to meet you.

Carol: Oh, pleasure to meet you, Mr. Collins.

Mike: Excuse me, I’ll get Bob.

Carol (to Mr. Collins): Please sit down. Would you like some coffee?

Collins: Coffee, no. I still like mine cooked over an open fire and boiled until it’s miserable.

(Carol laughs. Mike comes out with Bobby.)

Mike: Bob, this is Mr. Collins., Mr. Collins, this is our son, Bob.

Collins: Hello.

Bobby: Hi.

(They shake hands.)

Collins: Hello, son.

Mike: I think you’re gonna find this gentlemen very interesting. Did you know his father actually knew Jesse James?

Bobby (excited): He did? Wow, am I glad to meet you.

Collins: I hear Jesse is a hero of yours.

Bobby: I wrote a whole composition about him at school.

Collins: I wrote a whole book about Jesse James. Only he wasn’t a hero to me.

Bobby: He wasn’t.

(Mr. Collins shakes his head no.)

Collins: No. Jesse James killed my father.

Bobby: He did?

Collins: Shot him in the back, that’s how he usually shot them. Too cowardly to face them, I guess.

Bobby: I can’t believe that, Mr. Collins.

Carol: He’s telling you the truth, Bobby.

Collins: Son, you know the legends. I know the facts.

Mike: Mr. Collins, why don’t you tell Bob about how it was with your father.

Collins: Well, I was just a little boy at the time. My father was riding a train to California. Jesse James held it up.

Bobby: Did they have a shootout?

Collins: Well, wasn’t much of a shootout. My father with his face to the wall, hands in the air, and not wearing a gun.

Bobby: Then why did Jesse James shoot him?

Collins: Because that was the kind of man Jesse James was. A mean, dirty killer. My mother used to cry about it in her sleep. When I was old enough to understand, I used to have nightmares about it myself. Awful nightmares, about that, train robbery.

(That evening, the boys are in their room sleeping. Bobby starts hearing Mr. Collins’ voice in his head about Jesse James being a mean, dirty killer. He has a dream that he and the family are taking a train to California.)

Peter (to Cindy): Isn’t it great to be going to California?

Cindy: Yeah.

Jan: I hear California is really beautiful.

Marcia: Sounds wonderful.

Greg: Yeah, how long until we get there.

Mike: Oh, not long, son. With these new trains, it oly takes 18 days to get to California.

Carol (laughing): And that’s all the way from Arizona.

(Jesse James rides up to the train and enters to hold it up.)

Jesse: Hands up, don’t anybody move. it’s the world famous Jesse James.

(They all scream. Bobby comes out of his seat to talk to him.)

Bobby: Jesse James. I never thought I’d get to meet you.

Jesse: I said hands up. Now everyone. throw your purses and wallets in the aisle.

Mike: Be calm everybody! Do what he says and nobody gets shot.

Bobby: Aw, Dad. He wouldn’t shoot anybody. Jesse James is a real great guy. He’s my hero. (Jesse gets down to collect all their belongings) I even wrote a composition about you, and how you’re such a great hero. I’m sorry I only got a C+.

Jesse: All right everybody. Face the window, with your backs to me.

Bobby: What do you want them to do that for, Jesse?

Jesse: So that I could shoot ’em, of course.

(They all scream.)

Bobby: But, this is my family. That’s my Dad. (Jesse shoots and Bobby gets hysterical) Oh no, he shot my Dad! (Jesse shoots at every other member of the family while Bobby starts crying and carrying on till he wakes up) Jesse, no, don’t shoot please! Stop, Jesse, no, no!

Peter (waking up): Bobby, what’s the matter?

Greg: You must’ve been having a bad dream.

Bobby: It was awful.

Peter: Tell us about it.

Bobby: It was the worst dream in the whole world.

(Cut to the parents’ room, where Mike is going over his speech one last time.)

Mike: I’m as ready as I’ll ever be with this speech. (He hears a knock on the door) Come in.

(Bobby enters.)

Bobby: I’m turning in my guns. I don’t ever wanna see another gun again.

Mike: Good man. I’m glad to hear it.

Bobby: You were right about Jesse James, he was a real bad guy.

Carol: That talk with Mr. Collins really got through to you, huh.

Bobby: Did it ever.

Mike: Well, you just have to be careful who you pick for a hero.

Bobby: Yeah. Next time, whoever it is, it’s gonna be a real good guy.

(The scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Mike leaving to give his speech.)

Carol: Good luck with the speech, honey, I just know it’s gonna be a big hit.

Mike: I hope so. I just wish I had a good joke to start it off with.

Carol: Hey, listen, I remember a joke that might fit.

Mike: Honey, it’s got to be about architects.

Carol: Yeah it is. It’s about this architect who designed a building that had no doors in it at all.

Mike: No doors? How do you get in?

Carol: Well, you just keep running around it and running around it until you’re all in, get it?

Mike: Good bye, honey.

(He starts walking out the door.)

Carol: Hey, wait a minute, you forgot to kiss me.

Mike: That’s right.

(He leaves and Carol stands there and puckers. He comes back in and kisses her.)

Carol: Bye.

Mike: Good bye.

Carol: Good luck.


S4 E16 Amateur Nite

Amateur Nite

Written by Sam Locke and Milton Pascal

The kids appear on a Tv show talent contest to win money to but their parents a wedding anniversary. I Hope you enjoy the script.











ALFIE, man at department store

MR. GOODBODY, manager of bank

PETE STERNE, host of talent show

(The episode begins with Jan at the department store. She is browsing around and then she goes up to Alfred Butler “Alfie”, who is the manager.

Alfie: Good afternoon, young lady, may I help you?

Jan: Yes, we were in here last week, and we ordered an anniversary gift for our parents, a silver platter.

Alfie (to himself): Silver platter. (He realizes) Oh yes, the Brady children.

Jan: And I came in the next day and ordered the engraving.

Alfie: Oh, of course. You’re Jan Brady.

Jan: Right, is it ready?

Alfie: It just came in this morning. I’ll get it for you. (He takes it out form under the counter) I’m sure you’ll find it exactly the way you wanted it.

Jan (looking at the platter): Oh, that’s beautiful. Mom and Dad, Happy Anniversary, all our love, Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy. (to Alfie) I’m glad you were able to get all our names on it.

Alfie: It wasn’t easy. One more brother or sister and we’d have to continue on the back. (She laughs) I’ll get your bill.

Jan: Oh, but we already paid for the platter. I’ve got the receipt right here.

Alfie: This bill is for the engraving. Remember, I told you there’d be an extra charge.

Jan: Oh, yes you did. (She out some change from her pocketbook) 50, 60, 85 cents.

Alfie: This bill is for $56.23.

Jan (surprised): You said the engraving was only gonna be for 85 cents.

Alfie: 85 cents a letter, don’t u remember?

Jan: I guess I wasn’t listening very well. What am I gonna do? I don’t have the money. And my parents’ anniversary is next Saturday.

Alfie: Well, that’s still a week away. Perhaps you can raise the money by then.

Jan: It took us 6 months to save up for the platter.

Alfie: I really don’t know what to do about this.

Jan: I don’t either. But until then, can you hold on to the platter for me?

Alfie: What else can I do? Unless I find another couple who has an anniversary and have 6 kids named Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy. I’m really very sorry.

Jan: Not half as sorry as I am. This whole thing is my fault.

(She leaves the store and the scene fades.)

(The next scene has Jan and Marcia discussing the issue in their bedroom.)

Marcia: Jan, how could you be so stupid? Don’t you know the difference between 85 cents a letter and 85 cents for the whole inscription?

Jan: Yeah, $56.23.

Marcia: Nobody told you to order the engraving in the first place.

Jan (bitterly): I know. I thought it would look nicer that way. I wanted to surprise everybody.

Marcia: Well, you sure did. Now we won’t have a gift for Saturday for Mom and Dad’s anniversary.

Jan: Yeah, but we still have a week to raise the money.

Marcia: How? We can’t ask Mom and Dad for a loan. Who else around here has money? Except (Pause) maybe Alice.

Jan: Sure, Alice. She’s always talking about saving up for a rainy day.

Marcia: And we’re right in the middle of the hurricane season. Come on.

(The girls go downstairs to see Alice, who is on the telephone and turning on the television.)

Alice: It’s time for your picture tooth to blow. What she doesn’t know is Albert is falling in love with this woman doctor, who has to support an invalid mother who just got evicted from her apartment. And poor Tommy, he’s got to have some money. And China, that’s Tommy’s mother’s brother in-law who won’t lend him the money for the operation. Cheapskate, what’s a measly $100. (Marcia and Jan look happy and confident) Kay, that reminds me, I had to buy an anniversary present for the Bradys and my insurance premium came due. Well, pay day isn’t for 2 weeks, I was wondering if you could lend me a few dollars till then.

Jan (to Marcia): Shoot, we need to raise the money, but we better forget about Alice.

Marcia: Yeah, let’s get out of here before she asks us for a loan.

(They both shush each other and sneak away. Cut to the den, where Mike is on the phone with his boss, Mr. Phillips.)

Mike: Couldn’t that wait until next week? I see, no, no, if it has to be that way, I understand. Yeah, thanks Mr. Philips, good-bye. (He hangs up the phone, to Carol) Honey, about that honeymoon cottage, remember the leaky roof, lumpy mattress, and the mosquitos yelling bonsai all night long?

Carol: We can’t leave on Thursday.

Mike: That’s right, I have to appear before the planning commission on that design for the courthouse.

Carol: Honey, I got a great idea.

Mike: What?

Carol: For the first time in our marriage, why don’t we have an anniversary dinner in town like we always do.

(He laughs.)

Mike: Listen, I’m hungry.

Carol: Come on, dinner’s just about ready.

(They prepare to leave the den and bobby and Cindy come in.)

Bobby: Dad, can I talk to you about something real important?

Mike: Why, sure, step into my office. I hope you don’t mind if my secretary stays around, she’s very reliable.

Cindy: It’s okay, she can listen.

Carol: Thank you.

Mike: Okay, what can we do for you?

Bobby: Well, what do you do when a person needs an awful lot of money real fast?

Mike: Well it depends on what you mean by a lot. a million dollars, a thousand dollars, 25 cents.

Cindy: Kind of in between.

Carol: Well, we could give you an advance on your allowance.

Bobby: Oh, no, we didn’t say it was for us. I mean, we know these people, who need an awful lot of money.

Cindy: Fast.

Mike: Well, people who need money usually make a loan at the bank.

Bobby: Just like that? You get a loan?

Carol: Sure, that’s why they have loan departments.

Mike: First, when you borrow money you have to pay it back, you know. In fact, you have to pay back more than you borrow because the bank adds on interest.

Cindy: Can’t you borrow interest so you can pay the interest?

Carol (laughing): I’m with her.

Bobby: Thanks, Dad, you’ve been a lot of help.

Mike: Well, anytime.

(The kids leave the den.)

Carol: I wonder what they’re up to.

Mike: Our anniversary is coming up, maybe they’re thinking of a gift.

Carol: Yeah, but such high finance, borrowing money from a bank?

Mike: Maybe they’re planning on paying off the mortgage.

(They laugh. Next. Bobby and Cindy are down at the bank. They are in the office of Mr. Goodbody, the bank manager. He is on the phone discussing a loan with a customer.)

Goodbody: Yes, and thanks for calling us in particular, Mr. Whitfield. Oh, we checked everything. Your benefits, assets, collateral. and regarding your application, we can loan you $100,000 at 8 percent.

Bobby (to Cindy): Did you hear that? $100,000. This must be a rich bank.

Cindy: And friendly too.

(She points at the sign that says the friendly bank.)

Goodbody: Good bye now. (He hangs up the phone and acknowledges the kids) I’m Mr. Goodbody, children. What can I do for you?

Cindy: We want to borrow money from your rich, friendly bank.

Bobby: Just until Saturday.

Goodbody: And then you’ll pay it back.

Bobby: No, first we have to pay the man at the department store. You see, Cindy and I and all our brothers and sisters bought a silver platter for our Mom and Dad.

Cindy: And on account of Jan being stupid, we owe the department store $56.23.

Bobby: Including tax.

Goodbody: Uh, I see.

Bobby: And that’s why we want to borrow some money.

Goodbody: When you take out a loan at the bank, somebody has to sign for it.

Cindy: You do it, Cindy. (to Mr. Goodbody) She got an A in penmanship.

Goodbody: Oh, she did. Then we also have what we call a co-signer. that’s another person who will be responsible for the loan in case the signer can’t repay it.

Bobby: That’s okay, I’ll be the co-signer.

Cindy: He’s very responsible.

Goodbody: Oh, I’m sure. And then we’ll need some collateral.

Bobby: What’s that?

Goodbody: Well, that’s something of real value, you know, like, jewelry, real estate, stocks and bonds.

Bobby: If we had all that stuff, we wouldn’t need the loan.

Goodbody: Yes. Well, I’d certainly like to help you children, but, I’m sure that, a loan isn’t possible for you because of your age. However, you’re two very charming young people and you deserve something for coming down here. (Bobby and Cindy look like they’re expecting something big. Mr. Goodbody takes out a couple of coin banks for them.) Here. Now, if you put all your cons in here, I’m sure you can save enough of them so you won’t need a loan. And I’m gonna start you off with a dime each.

(He puts a dime in each of them and they get up to leave.)

Bobby: Thanks.

Cindy: Thanks a lot.

Bobby: Mr. Goodbody, instead of $56.23, can you get us a smaller loan?

Goodbody: A smaller loan?

Bobby: Yeah, like $56.03?

(He laughs and the kids leave. Next, the kids are in the family room and Jan is trying to collect money from them.)

Jan: Greg, did you find any of the guys who owe you money?

Greg: Yeah, Harvey, he’s the one who owes me 5 bucks.

Jan: Did he pay you? (He shakes his head no) Oh, Greg. (She goes over to Marcia) Marcia, how did you do with the watch?

Marcia: No sale.

Jan: Well, what happened? I thought you said Penny was crazy about the watch.

Marcia: She was, until I told her it was $10. Then she said I was crazy.

Peter: Jan, what have you been doing?

Jan: I went down to the TV station, KBES, and signed us up for the amateur contest.

Peter: Amateur contest?

Jan: Every Saturday morning. First prize is $100.

Marcia (excited): $100?

(Bobby and Cindy get excited as well.)

Jan: But before we can get on the show, we have to audition our act.

Greg: What act?

Jan: Well, we can sing a little, and we can dance a little, and Bobby and Cindy can be cute and charming.

Cindy: I don’t want to be cute?

Bobby: I don’t want to be charming.

Jan: Not even to get that platter for Mom and Dad?

Cindy: Okay, I’ll be cute.

Bobby: I’ll be charming.

Greg (laughing): Jan, you ding-a-ling, we have about as much chance of getting on that show, winning first prize, and getting that money as we do of robbing a bank.

Bobby (excited): Hey!

Greg: Forget it.

(The phone rings and Jan answers.)

Jan: Hello. Yes, this is me. Yes, Mr. Stern, okay, yeah. Thank you, bye. (She hangs up and gets excited) We did it, we got an audition for the amateur contest!

(The kids all get excited and the scene fades.)

(The next scene has the kids rehearsing a dance in the garage. They are practicing some dance steps and Mike comes out.)

Greg: Hi, Dad.

Mike: What are you doing?

Greg (after a long pause): Jan’s having trouble with her bike and we were just helping her.

(The kids all agree. Next, Carol comes out and when they notice her, they revert to exercising. Alice comes out next and she hears the kids practicing.)

Alice: Hey you kids, what are you doing in there?

Greg (after a long pause): Cleaning the garage.

(They grab brooms and stuff.)

Alice: Cleaning the garage?

(The next scene has the kids auditioning in the studio.)

Jan (singing): I think I’ll go for a walk outside now. The summer sun’s calling my name.

All the kids: I hear you know, I just can’t stay inside all day. I got to get out and get some of those rays.

Boys: Everybody’s smiling.

Girls: Sunshine day.

Boys: Everybody’s laughing.

Girls: Sunshine day.

All: Everybody seems so happy today. it’s the sunshine day.

Cindy: I think I’ll go for a walk outside now. The summer sun knows me by name.

All: He’s calling me, I got to get out, get away, get away, get away, get away into the sunshine day.

Bobby: Don’t you dig the sunshine, now it’s all but the same, can’t you hear it calling your name?

Marcia: I think I’ll take a walk every day now, the summer sun has shown me the way.

All: To be happy now, I just can’t stay inside all day. I got to get out and get some of those rays.

Boys: Everybody’s smiling.

Girls: Sunshine day.

Boys: Everybody’s laughing.

Girls: Sunshine day.

All: Everybody seems so happy today. it’s the sunshine day.

Bobby: Don’t you dig the sunshine, now it’s all but the same, can’t you hear it calling your name?

All: I think I’ll go for a walk outside now. The summer sun’s calling my name. I hear you know, I just can’t stay inside all day. I got to get out and get some of those rays.

Boys: Everybody’s smiling.

Girls: Sunshine day.

Boys: Everybody’s laughing.

Girls: Sunshine day.

All: Everybody seems so happy today. it’s the sunshine day.

(Pete Sterne, the host of the show, approaches them.)

Sterne: Well, okay, that’s not bad, kids.

Greg: Thanks.

Sterne: And what did you say your names were again?

Greg: Oh, I’m Greg, this is Marcia, Jan, Peter, Bobby and Cindy.

Sterne: Well, don’t you have a name for the group?

Greg: Oh yeah, sure, just call us the Silver Platters.

Sterne (writing down): the Silver Platters, okay. Rehearsal is at 10 tomorrow morning. the show’s at 11.

Jan (excited): You mean we’re on the show?

Sterne: You’re on. (They all cheer) Hold it, hold it, hold it, what about costumes?

Marcia: Costumes? We didn’t have time to get any.

Bobby: Or any money.

Sterne: Oh, I’ll tell you what. We have a wardrobe department here at the studio. Why don’t you show up an hour earlier tomorrow morning and we’ll fix you up with something.

(They all agree)

Jan: Mr. Sterne? You think we have any chance of winning the $100 prize?

Sterne: Oh, sure, why not?

(They get excited and leave. Back at home, Jan is coming home from school and sees Carol in the kitchen.)

Jan: Hi.

Carol: Hi, honey.

(She is knitting something at the kitchen table.)

Jan: That’s very pretty.

Carol: Yeah, it’s the mosaic stitch, it’s really very easy.

Jan: Show me how.

(Mike comes in the kitchen.)

Mike: Hey, what a charming domestic scene. The family that knits together sits together.

Carol: Oh, that’s pretty good, except this isn’t knitting.

Mike: I couldn’t think up a rhyme for needlepoint. (The phone rings and Mike answers. It’s Alfred Bailey) Hello.

Alfie: Hello, I’d like to speak to Ms. Jan Brady, please.

Mike: Just a moment, please. (He brings the phone to Jan) Jan, a gentleman wishes to converse with you.

Jan: A gentleman?

Mike: I think it’s one of your boyfriends whose voice is changing.

Jan (answering the phone): Hello.

Alfie: Hello, Ms. Brady, this is Alfred Bailey at the department store. The silver platter salesman.

Jan: Oh, hi, Alfie.

Alfie (looking upset): Ms. Brady, you were supposed to bring in the $56.23 for the engraving today for the engraving on the platter. Have you forgotten?

Jan: How can I forget you, Alfie?

Alfie: Ms. Brady, you promised to make that payment today.

Jan: I’m sorry, Alfie, but I just can’t make it today. I promise I’ll be there tomorrow.

Alfie: With the payment?

Jan: Yes.

Alfie: We accept cash, you know.

Jan: Groovy, it’s a date. Bye.

(She hangs up.)

Carol: Who’s Alfie? A new boyfriend?

Jan: No. I’d say he’s more of an acquaintance.

Carol: Notthing special.

Jan: No, after tomorrow, I’ll probably never see him again.

Mike: You know that in advance?

Jan: I guess I’m fickle.

(The next morning, the kids sneak out but are caught by Alice.)

Alice: Where are you all going. (They scream and stop suddenly) What’s everyone doing up so early on a Saturday morning?

Greg: I’ll tell you. We’re going to a football game. (They al agree) I’m gonna play and they’re gonna watch.

(They start to leave.)

Alice: Football at this hour?

Marcia: We want to get good seats.

(They say good-bye and go out the door.)

Alice (to herself): Now why don’t I believe that?

(Later on, Alice is dusting the table in the family room and talking on the phone.)

Alice: Remember when Horace broke up with Bianca to marry Evelyn? Only she didn’t want to leave Albert while he was still in the hospital? Well, Horace just had a gallbladder attack and they had to put him in the hospital. And they’re putting him in the same room with Albert. Now wait a minute, I just remembered something. Horace had his gallbladder out episodes ago. Oh, I’ve had it with this show. I’ll call you back, Kay. Bye. (She changes the channel) Reruns and reruns I haven’t seen.

(She adjusts the volume to a higher level, then hears the noise of dogs barking. This is the show the kids are on.)

Sterne: How about that, folks. Patty’s Prancing Poodles. And they really registered on the old applause meter too. Now, for our final act this morning, we have six kids. Three boys, three girls. A match set, you might say. They call themselves the Silver Platters, and here they are.

(All the kids come out. Alice is more than surprised.)

Alice: The Silver Platters? Th, th, th, th, (She gets up) Mr. Brady!, Mrs. Brady!, come quick, the kids are on

Carol: What kids?

Alice: Yours, his, ours. Come on, quick.

Mike: I thought you said they went to a football game.

Alice: That’s what I said they said.

(They rush into the family room, where the kids perform a song called “Keep On Movin'”.)

All: Flying down the highway in my makeshift Model T.A. Woo! Yeah! Woo! It’s a beautiful morning and it’s gonna be a beautiful day the wheels are humming and the guitar’s strumming
and the radio is blasting and good sounds are coming as we’re flying down the highway in a makeshift Model T.A. We’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on dancin’ all through the night.
we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on doin’ it right we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on movin’
gonna keep on, keep on, keep on groovin’ keep on singin’ and dancin’ all through the night.

Mike: Why didn’t they tell us about this?

Carol: Where did they get those costumes?

Boys: You can hear the music coming twenty-six miles away

Girls: Woo! Yeah! Woo!

All: Smilin’ is happy and happy is here to stay shiftin’ on down, comin’ into town
wavin’ at the kids all hanging around cruisin’ down the bay in my makeshift model T.A. We’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on dancin’ all through the night we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on doin’ it right we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on movin’ gonna keep on, keep on, keep on groovin’ keep on singin’ and dancin’ all through the night keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on dancin’ all through the night we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on doin’ it right we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on movin’ gonna keep on, keep on, keep on groovin’ keep on singin’ and dancin’ all through the night.

(The song finishes and the parents and Alice applaud.)

Sterne (applauding): How about that, kids, the Silver Platters. Terrific, kids.

Greg: Thank you.

Sterne: In the event you win the 1st prize, how do you plan to divide the $100?

Jan: Well, the first $56 goes to the man at the department store.

Sterne: Well, that’s a pretty big cut for a guy who didn’t even sing.

(He laughs.)

Jan: Well, you see, we bought a silver platter for our Mom and Dad’s anniversary.

Bobby: And she thought it was 85 cents for the whole engraving, but actually it was 85 cents for each letter.

Cindy: And we can’t get the platter because we’re broke.

Sterne: Well, good luck, kids.

Kids: Thanks.

(They leave the stage.)

Sterne: The Silver Platters, folks. Well, then, let’s see how they did on the old applause meter. Just a moment here while I check the figures.

Alice: Well, they just got to win. It’d be a shame if they can’t give you your gift.

Carol: Alice, we just got our gift.

Mike: We sure have, honey.

Sterne (announcing): Well, starting with third prize, this beautiful plaque goes to the Silver Platters.

Alice (disappointed): Third prize! We were gypped. (She turns the television off) Last time I’ll ever watch that crooked channel.

(The kids come out to take the platter.)

Sterne: There you are, kids. As you can see, there’s plenty of room on there. We’ll have all your names engraved on there.

Marcia: Engraved?

Cindy: How much do you charge a letter?

Sterne (laughing): Let’s give them another big hand, shall we folks?(The audience applauds) Thank you very much.

(The kids return home and find Mike and Carol waiting for them in the living room.)

Greg: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Carol: Hi, kids.

Mike: Hi, there.

(They try to walk by them.)

Carol: Hey, wait a minute. How was the football game? Did you win?

Bobby: We came in third.

Mike: Third? That must have been some football game.

Jan: We might as well tell them. We weren’t at a football game. You see, we wanted to get you a present for your anniversary. Something really special, but, I goofed.

Mike: Something special, huh, you mean (He pulls the platter out form under the table) Something like this?

(The kids all get pleasantly surprised about the platter and question how they got it.)

Carol: Well, your friend Alfie called today about you breaking your date with him. So we kept it for you.

(The kids all got further surprised about the parents purchasing it themselves.)

Mike: We thought it was the least we can do after that fine performance you gave.

(The kids were excited they saw the show.)

Carol: And you were all just terrific.

Marcia: But we didn’t win the $100.

Bobby: Patty’s Prancing Poodles won.

Greg: We lost to a dog’s act.

Cindy: I bet we could’ve won if we did what they did.

Mike: Yeah, what was that?

Bobby: Sat up and begged the audience for applause.

(He gives a demonstration while the others laugh. the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Bobby and Cindy coming into the den to speak to Mike.)

Bobby: Dad, we just wanted to thank you for paying for our present to you and Mom.

Mike: I didn’t. You guys paid for the platter.

Cindy: Yeah, but you paid for the engraving.

Bobby: And we’re gonna pay you back.

Mike: Well, we’ll talk about it another time, okay.

Bobby: Really, Dad, we are.

Cindy: Maybe this afternoon.

Mike: How are you gonna raise $56 by this afternoon.

Cindy: We got a plan.

Bobby: Mmm hmm, you see, remember when you told us about banks and getting loans?

Mike: Yeah.

Bobby: Well, we wnet to the bank and tried it.

Mike (laughing): You tried to get a loan?

Bobby: Yeah, but we couldn’t. Because we didn’t have any collateral.

Cindy: But we do now.

Mike: What’s the collateral?

Bobby: The silver platter we gave you and Mom.

(Mike laughs and they leave the den.)