S1 E21 The Hero

untitled boy hero

                               The Hero

                             Written by Elroy Schwartz

Peter saves a young girl’s life and is hailed as a hero. However, it goes to his head and makes him impossible to live with. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

TINA SPENCER, little girl at toy stop

MRS. SPENCER, Tina’s mother

MR. DRISCOLL, owner of Driscoll’s toy shop

EARL HOPKINS, reporter for Daily Chronicle

DELIVERY MAN who delivers Peter’s gifts to house

STEVE, Peter’s friend

JENNY, another friend

JASON, another friend

(The story begins at Driscoll’s toy shop, where Peter is browsing around and testing some toys. Tina Spencer, a little girl, finds a Kitty-Karry All doll on top of a high shelf. She attempts to climb the shelf and grab hold of it. However, the wall behind the shelf starts to get loose and several toys on the shelf begin to drop. Peter looks up and notices she is about to get crushed.)

Peter: WATCH OUT!

Mrs. Spencer (turning around): Tina!

(Peter rushes over to the girl and pulls her away from the shelf, just as the wall is about to collapse. We hear a scream but Peter has just moved her to safety, as the rest of the customers gather around.)

Peter (to Tina): Are you okay?

Tina: I think so.

Mrs. Spencer: Oh, Tina, are you hurt, sweetheart?

Tina: No, Mommy.

Mr. Driscoll: What happened? How did that wall fall?

Tina: I wanted a doll. I pulled on the shelf. (She points at Peter) He knocked me out of the way.

(Peter smiles)

Mrs. Spencer: That as a very brave to do.

Mr. Driscoll: I’m very sorry about that wall, Mrs. Spencer.

Mrs. Spencer: I’m not worried about that, now that Tina’s safe. (Pause) The newspapers are always full of things kids do that are bad, but you never hear about the good things, like this.

Mr. Driscoll: Well, the newspapers are going to hear about this act of bravery.

(He pets Peter’s head as he smiles. The scene fades out.)

(The next scene has Greg and Bobby in the backyard playing catch.)

Greg: Throw me some grounders, I need to practice them.

(Bobby throws him one but Greg misses it.)

Bobby: You sure do need to practice them.

(Peter rides home on his bike and they notice his clothes are torn.)

Greg: Hey, what happened to you?

Peter: What do you mean?

Greg: Look at your clothes.

(Peter notices some tears in his jacket.)

Peter: Yeah, I guessed they are kinda messed up, I saved a girl.

Greg (sarcastically): Sure, you saved a girl.

Peter: I did. A wall was going to fall on her in Driscoll’s toy store.

Bobby (incredulous): A wall?

Greg: Come on.

Peter: I shoved her out of the way just before she could’ve gotten killed.

Greg: Ha!

Peter: Well, I did.

(Peter walks away while Greg and Bobby are still disbelieving.)

Greg: Man, the stories some kids tell.

Bobby: Yeah.

(Inside, Peter is telling Carol and Mike about his heroic act. Only, they are more trusting.)

Carol: You mean you really saved her?

Peter: I guess so.

Mike: Hey, Peter, I’m proud of you.

Peter: Then you believe me?

Mike: Of course I believe you.

Carol: You wouldn’t make up a story like that, would you?

Peter: I might, but I didn’t.

Mike: Listen, that girl was very lucky you were around.

(The doorbell rings)

Peter: I’ll get it.

(Earl Hopkins, a reporter for the Daily Chronicle, is at the door with a photographer.)

Hopkins: Hi, does Peter Brady live here?

Peter: Yeah.

Hopkins: May I see him?

Peter: Sure.

Hopkins: Well, would you call him, please.

Peter: I’m him.

Hopkins: Oh, Peter, my name is…  (Mike and Carol come to the door) Mr. Brady, Mrs. Brady.

Mike: Yes, can we help you?

Hopkins: We’re with the Daily Chronicle.

Carol: We’ve already subscribed to the Chronicle.

Hopkins: I’m not in sales, I’m a reporter. I’m Earl Hopkins and this is my reporter. We got a call from Driscoll’s toy store about an accident there, and our editor sent us over here to do a story about Peter.

Peter (excited): A story about me?

Hopkins: Well, according to the information we got, you’re a hero.

Peter: Me, a hero? Come on!

Carol: Would you come in, please.

Hopkins: Thank you. (He and the photographer follow them into the house.) Is it okay if he takes some shots of Peter?

Mike: Oh, sure.

Peter: You mean, my picture’s going to be in the paper?

Hopkins: That’s right.

Peter (excited): Wow!

(Later on, Peter is in his room doing homework when the girls come in to congratulate him.)

Marcia: what do you say to a hero?

Jan: I don’t know.

Cindy: Me either.

Jan (to Marcia): You say something first?

Marcia: Why me?

Jan: You’re the oldest.

Marcia: As the oldest, I’m telling you to do it.

Jan (to Cindy): And I’m telling you to do it.

Cindy: That’s not fair, I don’t have anyone to tell. (Jan pushes her over.) Peter.

Peter: Oh, hi.

Cindy: Peter.

Peter: Yeah.

Cindy: Jan has something she wants to tell you.

(Jan and Marcia come up to him)

Peter: Yeah.

Jan: Hi, I, uh, Marcia has something she wants to say.

Marcia: Well, uh, we wanted to say we think what you did was a real neat thing.

Jan: You know, at the toy store.

Cindy: Saving the girl.

Marcia: And we wanted to tell you that, well, we’re glad that you’re our brother.

(Peter smiles)

Jan: That’s right. If our mother married anyone else but your Dad, our brother wouldn’t be a hero.

(Marcia laughs and Peter smiles.)

Cindy: Our hero.

(Greg and Bobby come inside the house as Peter is walking down the stairs.)

Greg: Hi.

Peter: Hi.

Bobby: Hi.

Greg: We were just coming up to see you.

Peter: About what? My being a hero?

Bobby: Yeah, how did you know?

Peter: Everybody’s making a fuss about it, so I figured you were, too.

Greg: We’re sorry wee didn’t believe you this afternoon. we thought you were making it up.

Peter: It’s okay.

Bobby: You feel any different?

Peter: How do you mean?

Bobby: You know, being a hero?

Peter: How am I supposed to feel?

Bobby: I don’t know, you’re the hero.

Peter: It feels okay, I guess.

Greg: Were you scared?

Peter: It happened too fast. I didn’t have time to be scared.

Greg: Well, Pete, I’m proud of you.

(He punches him on the shoulder.)

Bobby: So am I.

(He does the same as Greg.)

Peter: It sure makes a guy feel funny, when his brothers are proud of him. (He smiles.)

(Peter is in the kitchen later on with Alice, who just made him a combination dessert. He’s sitting with his eyes clothes.)

Alice: Open them, now.

Peter (seeing the dessert): WOW!

Alice: You like it?

Peter: I love it. (Pause) What is it?

Alice: What’s your favorite dessert?

Peter: Strawberry shortcake.

Alice: What’s your next favorite?

Peter: Banana split.

Alice: And the one after that?

Peter: Hot fudge sundae.

Alice: Well, that’s what it is, a straw, split, fudge short.

Peter: Did you make it for me because I’m a hero?

Alice: That’s right.

Peter: Boy, if I knew that, I would have become a hero years ago.

Alice (laughing): What are you waiting for, dig in?

(Peter is just about finished with his dessert when Carol comes up to him.)

Carol: Strange how quiet it is around here tonight?

Peter: I’m quiet, because I’m stuffed. Alice made me a special surprise, a super duper dessert.

Carol: Well, there’s always a lot of whoop-de-do around celebrities.

Peter: Aw, you’re talking about astronauts and stuff.

Carol: No, I’m not, Peter, I’m talking about you. You know, for a mother who’s only had daughters until a short time ago, I can’t tell you how proud I am that you’re my son.

(She touches him on the cheek.)

Peter: And that’s what you came here for?

Carol: It sure is.

Peter: That’s the best part about being a hero, the good things people say about you.

(The next morning, Alice gets the paper from the front door. She finds Peter’s picture and story on the front page.)

untitled peter

Alice (excited): Leaping caterpillars! We got ourselves a real celebrity. (She takes the paper and runs inside.) Hey, hey everybody! Wait until you see this! Hey!

(She runs into the kitchen)

Carol: Alice, what’s all the excitement?

Alice: Look on the front page!

Bobby (excited): What’s on the front page?

Carol: Peter! That’s a good picture of him, and the feature story, too.

Cindy: What does the story say?

Bobby: About Peter being a hero, don’t you know anything, dum-dum?

Carol: Bobby, don’t call your sister a dum-dum.

Bobby: Well, that’s what she is.

Cindy: You’re a dum-dum.

Alice: Kids, eat.

Carol: Well, I’ve got to show this to the rest of the family, Alice.

(She runs to the living room, where Greg, Marcia and Jan just came from upstairs.)

Marcia: What’s the rush?

Carol: The morning paper, look!

Jan: Hey, that’s Pete!

Marcia: Wow, a real live celebrity in our family!

Greg: He looks something like me.

Carol: Wait till I show this to Dad and Peter, oh, they’ll flip!

Greg: Maybe he’ll fly to the moon without a spaceship!

(Carol runs upstairs to show Mike and Peter)

Carol: Mike, Mike, Mike!

Mike (coming out of his room): What is it, honey?

Carol: Peter’s picture and the story about him!

Mike: Hey, say, he looks something like his old man there.

Peter (coming from his room): What’s going on?

Carol: Look, Peter, you’re on the front page of the morning paper.

Mike: Yeah, how does it feel to be famous?

Peter: WOW!!!!

(Later on, Peter is in his room cutting out his picture and puts it in a scrapbook, as Jan and Marcia look on. Then he goes to look himself in the mirror and the girls laugh. Then he flexes his muscles like he’s a superhero.)

Marcia (whispering to Jan): He’s got to be kidding.

(Next, Bobby and Cindy are out in the backyard at the swing set.)

Cindy (to Bobby): Where’s Peter? I thought he was going to play with us.

Bobby: He’s too busy giving orders.

Cindy: Orders?

Bobby: Yeah, from now on, I put the garbage out at night instead of him.

Cindy: How come?

Bobby: He doesn’t think heroes should take the garbage out.

(Peter is in the backyard later with his friends. He exaggerates the story his heroic deed.)

Peter: There I was, all by myself. Suddenly, I felt something was going to happen. I’m one of these people that can sense when there’s danger. There was this little girl climbing up the shelves. Then I saw this huge part of the store start to wobble, big enough to crush a car, maybe even a tank.

(Greg and Marcia come by)

Marcia (to Greg): Yesterday it was one wall.

Peter: I knew if I didn’t do something, the little girl might get killed. I knew if I did do something, I might get killed. But it was a chance I have to take. First, I shouted out warning, then timing it to the split second, I raced toward her, just as everything began to fall.

(Inside, Carol talks to Greg and Marcia.)

Carol: Where’s Peter?

Greg: He’s out in the yard with some of his friends.

Carol: Would you guys do me a favor?

Greg: Sure.

Marcia: What is it?

Carol: Mrs. Spencer, the little girl’s mother called, and she wants to show her appreciation by buying Peter something at Driscoll’s. So, would you mind taking Peter over there, because I had to take Cindy to the dentist.

Greg: Okay, Mom.

Marcia: I don’t know if he’ll wanna go right now. He’s in the middle of telling his friends what a big hero he is.

Carol: That sounded a little sarcastic.

Marcia: I’m sorry, Mom, but okay, he saved her. Does he have to talk about it all the time?

Carol: Well, you gotta admit you were both pretty impressed by that story in the paper.

Greg: Impressed is one thing, but Peter…

Carol: Do you think it’s going to his head?

Greg: Not going, went.

(The scene fades out.)

(In the next scene, Peter is at the toy shop with Mrs. Spencer, along with Greg and Marcia.)

Mrs. Spencer: It’s okay to say thanks, Peter. But I really want to show my gratitude. You saved Tina’s life. Anything you want, anything in this store, name it, and it’s yours.

Peter: Gee, Mrs. Spencer, you don’t have to buy me anything.

Mrs. Spencer: Your mother told you to say that, right?

Marcia (to Greg): That’s what Mom told him.

Greg: Watch the big shot get out of it.

Mrs. Spencer: But you would like something, right?

Peter: My mom said it wasn’t necessary.

Mrs. Spencer: Of course it isn’t necessary, but it’s something I want to do.

Peter: I guess it’ll be all right then.

Mrs. Spencer: Good.

Greg: See.

Mrs. Spencer: Now that we got that settled, anything you want, point it out and it’s yours. (She walks over to examine some toys) How about this punching bag, would you like that?

Peter: I’d like a model airplane.

Mrs. Spencer: You can have that too. I’m gonna buy you everything you want.

Peter: Everything I want?

Mrs. Spencer: Right, Mr. Driscoll, get your order pad ready.

Mr. Driscoll: Yes ma’am

(Later on, Greg is in the den hiding from Peter. Jan and Marcia come in to join him.)

Jan: Greg, we’ve been looking all over for you.

Greg: I’m just trying to keep out of the hero’s way.

Marcia: He’s beginning to get to us, too.

Jan: Yeah, what are we gonna do about him?

Greg: Ignore him till he grows out of it.

Jan: That may take 20 or 30 years.

Marcia: He’s way past Alexander the great, he’s Peter the perfect.

(Mike comes in and clears his throat for their attention.)

Greg: Dad.

Mike: Using my off-limits sanctuary for a little family huddle, huh.

Greg: Well, there’s not so much confetti, brass bands or applause in here.

Mike (sternly): Yes, I get the point, Greg. Now listen, don’t worry about Peter. He’s having his first go-around with self-importance, he’s an average normal kid.

Greg: Maybe Dad, but to us he’s an average normal pain in the neck.

(Marcia and Jan nod.)

(Next, Alice goes to answer the door and it’s a delivery man, who’s there to drop off the toys Mrs. Spencer bought for Peter.)

Man: Peter Brady?

Alice: Either you better get your eyes checked or I better get to a beauty parlor.

Man: Well, does he live here? Because I got a delivery for him from Driscoll’s toy store.

Alice: Yes, this is the place. bring it in. (The man brings in a punching bag.) Oh, so Peter finally got tired of using Bobby.

Man: Listen, my assistant’s off today, and I’ve got an awful ot of stuff outside. Would you give me a hand, sweetheart?

Alice: Yeah, I guess so, as long as your union doesn’t find out. (She takes a couple of boxes in.) Hey, you weren’t kidding. is all this stuff for Peter Brady?

Man: That’s right.

Alice: Hmm.

Man: Thanks, cutie.

Alice: You’re welcome. (She examines a box.) What’s in this one?

Man: No idea.

Alice (shaking the box): Well, whatever it is, it sounds unassembled. You know, last Christmas I got a present from my uncle Charlie that was unassembled, and it couldn’t be put together. By the time I got through with the manager of the store that sent it, he was unassembled.

Man: Good for you, gorgeous. There are bigger boxes outside, should we put them in the yard?

Alice: Mister, you keep calling me sweetie, cutie and gorgeous, and I’ll follow you anywhere.

(Mike and Carol arrive home later and discover the toys taking up space in the yard.)

Carol: Well, it looks like somebody delivered us a toy shop.

Mike: Driscoll’s toy shop.

Carol: Well, if he’s gonna take out a branch here, he ought to ask for a permit.

Mike: I suspect the person we should talk to isn’t Mr. Driscoll.

(Later on, Mike and Carol are in the den talking to Peter)

Mike: Peter, your mother and I think it’s time we exercised a little parental authority.

Carol: Or at least give you a little guidance.

Peter: Okay, go ahead, what are you really trying to say to me?

Mike: Well first, you can keep one of the gifts, but the rest are going to go back.

Peter: But Mrs. Spencer wanted me to have them Dad, she told me to pick out whatever I wanted.

Carol: Mrs. Spencer was being very generous, but that’s not the point.

Mike: You didn’t have to accept everything, Peter.

Carol: We’re not trying to take away from what you did. Saving Tina was a wonderful thing, but you didn’t do it because you expected Mrs. Spencer to give you lots of gifts, did you?

Peter: No.

Mike: Then can’t you see that asking for everything insight was wrong?

Peter: There were some things I didn’t take.

Alice (coming in): Excuse me, but Mr. Hopkins and that photographer are here to see Peter.

Mike: We’ll be right there, Alice.

Peter: Maybe they want to do a story about me.

Carol: Just a moment, Peter. We don’t want you to be disappointed, you know, people don’t remember heroes very long.

Peter: Sure they do, look at uh, look at uh, look at George Washington.

Mike: You see that, you had to go back 200 years to find one.

Carol: We just don’t want you to be disappointed.

(Mike, Carol and Peter go out to the living room to see Mr. Hopkins.)

Carol: Hello.

Mike: Hi.

Hopkins: Hi there, I hope we didn’t take you away from anything.

Carol: No.

Mike: No, no, not at all.

Hopkins: As subscribers to the Chronicle, you may be aware every month our paper gives an award to some outstanding deserving citizen. And Peter, you have been named our current hero of the month.

(He hands Peter a plaque with his name on it.)

Peter: Wow!

Carol: That’s wonderful, Peter.

Mike: Congratulations.

Peter: Along with the award is this check for $50.

(The photographer takes a picture of Peter as Mr. Hopkins hands him the check.)

Peter: $50, wow! And thanks!

Hopkins: Our pleasure, Peter. See you later.

(He and the photographer leave)

Carol: Thank you.

Peter: Mom, Dad, can I do whatever I want with this money?

Mike: Yes, like putting it in the bank.

Peter: No, I mean like having  a party with it.

Carol: What kind of a party?

Peter: A swell one, and you don’t have to do nothing.

Mike: Anything.

Peter: I’ll make all the arrangements, okay?

Carol: Well, I don’t see any reason why not, after all, it is your money, Peter.

Mike: Well, I guess I’m outvoted 2 to 1. Who are you going to invite?

Peter: All my friends. Boy, is this ever gonna be a great party. (He runs upstairs to show his check and award to the others) Look what I got, look, you guys, look what I got. Look what I got, you guys. (He comes into the girls’ room) Guess what.

Cindy: I have to take over your paper route.

Peter: No, I’m gonna have a party, tomorrow after school, and you’re all invited.

Jan: Who’s the party for?

Peter: Me. (He then goes into the boys’ room) You guys are both invited to my party tomorrow afternoon. (Greg and Bobby look at each other with disbelief.)

(Peter gets on the phone with some of his friends.)

Peter: Hi Steve, I’d like you to come to a party. Tomorrow after school.

Steve: Who’s the party for?

Peter: Me.

Steve: Who’s giving it?

Peter: Me.

Steve: Why?

Peter: I just wanted to have a party, I’m using the money I got for being a hero.

Steve (hesitant): Well, I’ll try to come, but I’m not sure.

Peter: I know you wouldn’t wanna miss it Steve, I’ll see you here tomorrow.

(Next, he’s on the phone with his friend, Jenny)

Jenny: Gee, Peter, I’d like yo come, but I think I promised to visit my grandma.

Peter; What time?

Jenny: Well, uh, what time is the party?

Peter: 4:00

Jenny; Well, uh, I think that’s the time I promised to visit my grandma.

Peter: That’s too bad. It’s gonna be a great party. Maybe you can come by after.

Jenny: Well, uh, I don’t know.

Peter: See you tomorrow, Jenny, Bye.

(Next, Peter has his friend Jason on the line.)

Jason: Tomorrow after school

Peter: Yeah, you’ll have a lot of fun.

Jason: hold on a second while I ask my mom. (He sits there and whistles) Sorry Peter, but I got to take a piano lesson.

Peter: I didn’t know you played the piano.

Jason: I don’t, that’s why I need lessons.

Peter: Well, try to make it anyway, Jason. Okay, bye.

(Greg and Marcia are in the family room complaining to Mike and Carol about Peter, and their unwillingness to attend the party.)

Marcia: I can speak for the girls, and none of us wanna go to this party of Peter’s tomorrow.

Greg: And I can speak for the boys, ditto.

Marcia: We’re tired of him being the hero.

Greg: All the ice cream and cake in the world won’t make his story worth listening to again.

Mike: All right, I understand how you feel, it has gone to his head a little.

Marcia: A little?

Greg: Frankenstein never built a monster like the one we built.

Carol: Kids, try to understand, craze is very hard for people to handle, especially an 11 year old boy like Peter.

Marcia: That may be, but we still don’t want to go to his stupid party.

Greg: And listen to that hero drivel any longer.

(Peter comes in)

Peter: All right, if you don’t want to come to my party, you don’t have to come. I’ve invited a lot other friends, anyway, and it’s gonna be a real swell party whether any of my brothers or sisters are there or not! (He storms out.)

(The next day, Peter is the only guest at his party. He looks at his watch and notices it’s been an hour since the party’s scheduled start. He hears a car horn passing by and mistakes it for the doorbell. He runs to get it but there’s no one out there. He starts at the table, where all his party goods are. Meanwhile, Carol takes a pizza out of the over while discussing the matter with Alice and Mike.)

Carol: Peter’s been wrong, quite wrong. But I still think t’s a shame nobody’s showing up.

Mike: Oh, I’m not so sure, Carol. There are things that are almost impossible to teach kids. Occasionally it’s better if they have to learn for themselves.

Alice: $50 worth of pizza and soda pop.

Carol: Well, I gave the go-ahead for the party, and now I realize I shouldn’t have.

Mike: No, Carol; you gave the go-ahead for Peter learning his lesson. Sometimes that’s a parent’s job.

Carol: Well, I still think it’s a shame.

(Peter comes in the kitchen)

Peter: I’ll be in my room, if anyone wants me.

Carol: Peter, someone will show up, they’re just late.

Peter: Everybody, an hour? Boy, a guy can sure get messed up patting himself on the back.

(The next scene has Peter in his room, feeling sorry for himself.)

Carol (coming in to see him): Peter.

Peter: Yeah, Mom.

Carol: Don’t sit up here alone. Come on downstairs.

Peter: I’d rather stay here, if you don’t mind.

Carol: Peter, please, we have something special for you.

Peter: Okay, but please don’t ever use the word special about me ever again.

(Peter and Carol head to the staircase. Peter sees his siblings, as well as Mrs. Spencer and Tina. They are all downstairs waiting for him at the table.)

Kids: Surprise, hooray for the hero. Yay.

Peter: Wow!

(He walks downstairs to join them, while Greg shakes his hand and the scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Peter back in room, pondering about his ways. Mike and Carol come in to see him.)

Mike: Driscoll’s picked up those toys you sent back, Peter.

Carol: That was a very nice gesture on your part.

Peter: It would have nicer if I hadn’t taken him in the first place, like you said.

Mike: Yeah, well you did and (He smacks his butt) You learned a lesson. Sorry it had to be hard but, you know, that’s life.

Carol: We’re very proud of you.

Peter: You know, maybe it was a good thing that nobody came to my party.

Carol: A good thing?

Peter: That’s right, Mom. If everyone had come that I invited, I might have gone on for years being a real little stinker.

(Carol hugs him and Mike laughs.)

          THE END

S1 E20 Brace Yourself

untitled braces

Brace Yourself

Written by Brad Randitz

Marcia needs to wear braces and is extremely self-conscious. To make matters worse, Alan, a boy who she would go to her first dance with, needed to cancel. How will she handle it? Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

ALAN ANTHONY, Marcia’s date to the dance

EDDIE, the delivery boy

JOEY, Greg’s friend

HAROLD, son of Mike and Carol’s friend

WOMAN at dress shop

(The episode begins in the kitchen, with Alice and Carol making spaghetti for dinner, along with a salad. Mike comes in.)

Mike: Hi, honey, hi, Alice.

Carol: Hi, honey.

Alice: Hi, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Where are the kids?

Carol: Oh, they’re around somewhere. (She and Mike kiss.)

Alice: Just hit the dinner bell, they’ll come out of the woodwork.

Mike: You know, I think I just worked up an appetite.

Carol: Well, I didn’t know my salad shook you up like that.

(They kiss again.)

Mike: How did Marcia’s appointment go with the dentist?

Carol: Uh, they but braces on her.

Mike: I was hoping that wouldn’t be necessary.

Carol: Well, the x-rays confirmed it. They say if we wears braces now, it’ll save her bite.

Mike: Well, if it had to be, it had to be.

Alice: Cheer up, Mr. Brady. They won’t hurt her looks at all.

Mike (having a bite of salad): Thanks, Alice.

Carol: Well, they say she only has to wear them for a little while. Dr. Russell said that the correction isn’t that difficult.

Mike: How’s Marcia taking it?

Alice: Like a real trooper. That girl hasn’t said a word since she got home.

(Marcia is upstairs in her room looking at her braces in the mirror.)

Marcia (upset): I’m ugly, ugly, ugly!

(She starts to cry as the scene fades out.)

(The next scene has Marcia still looking in the mirror. She’s trying a bunch of different ways to smile and speak.)

Alice (yelling from downstairs): Marcia! Soup’s on!

(Greg, Peter, Jan and Cindy are downstairs at the dinner table talking about Marcia and her new braces.)

Greg: Yeah, can’t hardly wait.

Jan: Me either.

(Alice goes out in the kitchen where Mike, Carol and Bobby are waiting.)

Mike: Where’s Marcia?

Alice: I just called her.

Carol: So did I, a couple of times.

Mike: I’ll go get her, you and the kids start without me.

Carol: Okay.

(Mike heads upstairs while she cut back to the dining room table.)

Cindy: I can hardly wait to see Marcia’s braces.

Greg: Didn’t she show them to you?

Jan: No.

Peter: Bobby and I offered her a quarter, but we wouldn’t open her mouth. (Bobby nods)

(Marcia is still in her room moping and Mike comes up. He knocks on her door.)

Mike: Marcia. (He knocks again) Marcia.

Marcia: What is it, Dad?

Mike: Honey, it’s dinnertime, we’re all waiting for you.

(Marcia pretends to be downstairs speaking during dinner.)

Marcia: Pass the butter, please.

Mike: What?

Marcia: Uh, my teeth are sore. Is it okay if I don’t come down?

Mike: Alice made your favorite spaghetti, honey. That’s very soft.

Marcia: I’m not hungry.

Mike: Well, okay, you don’t have to come down now, but if you get hungry later, you can have your dinner in the kitchen, all right?

Marcia: Okay.

(The next scene has Marcia in the kitchen, eating dinner.)

Marcia: How’s the spaghetti, dear?

Marcia: I don’t know.

Carol: Why don’t you open your mouth and chew some.

Marcia: It tastes like lead. These braces even ruin spaghetti.

Carol: Honey, you’ll get used to them soon and everything will taste like normal again.

Marcia: I’ll never get used to them. I hate them.

Carol (coming over to her): Marcia, lots of children have to wear braces. Dr. Ruskin will take them off soon and you’ll be prettier than ever.

Marcia: By that time I’ll be an old maid, 20.

Carol: You only have to wear them for a little while.

Marcia: The school dance is in two weeks. I don’t think I wanna go, Mom.

Carol: Alan’s going to be very disappointed.

Marcia: Well, how do you think he’ll feel if he has to dance with me all night? Every time I smile, I’ll look like an electric can opener.

Carol: I don’t think that’s fair. I mean, after all, you did accept his invitation, braces or no braces.

Marcia: I don’t want Alan or anyone else to see me now, at least not with my mouth open.

Carol: Marcia, braces can’t change the feelings of a real friend, and they could never change the feelings of those who love you.

Marcia: Maybe you’re right, Mom.

Carol: Well, your dress for the dance will be ready tomorrow. Do you still want me to pick it up?

Marcia (smiling): I guess so. Maybe Alan will like me more, when he realizes what I’m willing to got through for him.

(She and Carol share a hug)

Carol: That’s my girl, now eat.

(The next scene has Mike and the other kids in the family room. Mike is talking to them about Marcia’s braces.)

Mike: You know, it’s not going to be easy at first, so we all have to be very understanding. Your sister is at an age in which she’s very conscious of her looks.

Cindy: You mean she’s boy crazy.

Mike (laughing): Yes, some people call it that, though there’s nothing very crazy about it, and someday you’re going to make that same wonderful discovery too.

Jan: Like you and Mom did when you met each other?

Mike: Yes, just like that.

Bobby: Would you have married Mom if she wore braces?

Mike: Sure I would. She’d be just as beautiful to me, and so is Marcia, and that’s what I want you to reassure her of.

Peter: I don’t think any girls are beautiful.

Jan: That’s because you’re not girl crazy yet.

Mike: Marcia is not just a girl, Peter, she is your sister.

Greg: I don’t know if I could tell her she’s beautiful. I never said anything like that to a girl before.

Mike: All right, then don’t say it now. Just treat her like you always have. Ignore the braces, pretend they’re not even there, see.

(The next scene has Cindy heading to the bathroom, while Marcia is occupying it.)

Jan: Marcia’s in there.

Cindy: Daddy said to act natural, and I always barge in on Marcia when she’s in the bathroom. (She tries to open the door) It’s locked.

(She knocks on the door)

Marcia: Who is it?

Cindy: It’s me.

Marcia: Can’t come in.

Cindy; Why not?

Marcia: I’m brushing my teeth.

Cindy; Well, I got to brush mine too.

(Marcia opens the door and lets her in.)

Jan (whispering): Remember, don’t look at her braces.

(Cindy walks in the bathroom, She starts to brush her teeth as Marcia combs her hair. Marcia notices she won’t even look at her, so she puts her hair in curlers and smears cream all over her face to get Cindy’s attention. She then goes right over to her.)

Marcia: Cindy, look at me!

Cindy: What for?

Marcia (moving Cindy’s face over to her): Tell me the honest truth, do I look (Pause) funny?

Cindy: Of course not, you look beautiful.

Marcia (smiling): Thanks, Cindy.

Cindy: But how do you get the toothpaste through all that barbed wire?

(Marcia sighs. Later on, she goes into the kitchen, looking depressed. Alice and Peter are down there. Marcia sits down and drinks some orange juice.)

Peter: Marcia, I think your braces are neat.

Marcia: You haven’t even seen them.

Peter: Billy Minkus needs them, he’s in my class and his braces are neat.

Marcia: Well, mine aren’t.

Peter: He can make great bird noises by whistling through them. Sometimes he makes noises without even trying.

Marcia: Great.

Alice: Peter, you’re late for school.

Peter: No, I’m not.

Alice: Oh, yes you are.

Peter: Okay, see you later, Marcia. Oh yeah, braces are great for magic tricks. Billy puts a magnet up to his braces and runs it clean across his mouth with his tongue. He’s a riot.

Alice (sternly): Peter!

Peter: Okay, I’m going.

(He leaves. Alice comes over to Marcia.)

Alice: Don’t forget your milk, sweetie. They’re good for… your teeth.

Marcia: Nothing will help mine.

Alice: Hogwash. When your braces come off of there, you’re going to be gorgeous, just gorgeous.

Marcia: How do you know?

Alice: Because I used to wear them myself.

(She smiles. Marcia gets even more upset.)

(Next, Alice is helping Marcia with her dress in the family room.)

Alice: You look scrumptious, just like Cinderella. Turn.

Marcia: I feel more like one of the ugly stepsisters. All the kids at the assembly today stared at me.

Alice: You were just imagining it.

Marcia: No, I wasn’t. Greg told a joke and I laughed, and I got my lip caught in the braces and everybody stared at me.

Alice: Well, you’re just self-conscious about it. Like when you got a run in your stocking, you’re sure the whole world is looking.

Marcia: I saw Alan start at me. He made funny faces.

Alice: It’s all in your head.

Marcia: It’s all in my mouth. Even my own family’s making fun of me.

Alice: Marcia.

Marcia: I don’t think I want to go to the dance anymore.

Alice: Marcia, it’s a woman’s privilege to change her mind, but you change yours so often, you’re going to wear it out before your 13th birthday.

(Jan and Bobby come in)

Bobby: Wow!

Jan: Is that your new dress for the dance?

Marcia: Mmm, hmm. do you like it?

Jan: Oh, it’s divine.

Marcia (smiling): Thanks.

Alice: Well, I’m glad you told her, she won’t believe me.

Marcia: Well, sometimes people say things just to be nice.

Jan: Would we say things just to be nice to you?

Bobby: We’re your brother and sister.

Marcia: Then you didn’t really mean it.

Alice: Of course they meant it.

Marcia: I wonder if I can believe anything anyone in this family says to me, at all.

Jan: Honest, it’s a real pretty dress.

Bobby: Even if it doesn’t cover up your braces.

(Alice hits Bobby with the wrap the dress came with. Marcia scoffs away while Jan gives Bobby a dirty look.)

(Next, Marcia is laying face down on her bed when Mike comes to talk to her.)

Mike (knocking on the door): Marcia. Marcia, you in there? (He comes in.) Alan’s downstairs. He wants to talk to you about the dance.

Marcia: I’m not going.

Mike (sighing): Well, if that’s your decision, I think you oughtta tell him yourself.

Marcia (raising her head): Can I write him a note?

Mike: Well, come on. (She starts to sit up) Honey, let me give you some advice, man to woman.

Marcia: You’re going to tell me that braces won’t make any difference to my real friends.

Mike: Mmm, hmm. That’s right. Listen, did you know that the encyclopedia says that some of history’s most beautiful women wore braces when they were young girls? did you know that Cleopatra, some authorities say, wore braces?

Marcia: Cleopatra? Wow! Her braces must have been gorgeous.

Mike: Yeah, and they improved them in the last few thousand years, too. (He starts pointing to her braces) See there, and you can put a diamond in there, and a big pearl and a big lumpy emerald right in the middle.

(Alan is downstairs waiting for Marcia. She comes down the stairs to greet him.)

Marcia: Hi, Alan. I’m glad you dropped by, this is a very nice surprise.

Alan: Well I’m glad you’re glad, because I have another very nice surprise, which isn’t so very nice. I can’t take you to the dance.

Marcia (devastated): Why not?

Alan: Well, my parents have to go out of town next weekend.

Marcia: So what?

Alan: I’ve got to go with them?

Marcia (very upset): I don’t believe you!

Alan: Honest, it’s the truth.

Marcia (starting to cry): You’re lying! You just don’t want to be seen with a girl who has braces, like I do now! I hate you, Alan Anthony, I hate everybody!

(She runs back upstairs)

Alan: But Marcia, honest.

(The scene fades out0

(The next scene has Mike and Carol discussing the issue in the living room.)

Carol: Hey, you look like an expectant father.

Mike: Well, I am. Listen, is my daughter going to have a little trauma, or is it going to be a big one?

Carol: A little one. (She goes to sit down) I think she’s over it already. She stopped crying and she’s invited Cindy into the bathroom with her.

Mike: Hey, that’s a good sign.

Carol: Hmm, I wonder why Alan’s parents decided to leave town at this time.

Mike: She didn’t believe him. Listen, maybe if you had his mother call, hmm?

Carol: Oh, I don’t think that would do much good. Right now, Marcia’s convinced that she’s Dracula’s daughter.

Mike: That makes me Dracula?

Carol (laughing): Sorry, dear. Hey, how about another boyfriend?

Mike: Hmm?

Carol: I mean, if someone else invited Marcia to the dance, it might restore her confidence.

Mike: Honey, where is she going to find another boy at this late date?

Carol: How about our address book? We have a lot of friends with sons.

(She takes out the address book, goes over to the phone and starts looking in the book.)

Carol (looking in the book): How about, uh, Rosalyn Shaller, she has a son, doesn’t she?

Mike: Yeah, uh, I think he’s a lieutenant in the Marine Corps.

Carol: Yeah, uh, I guess he’s a little old.

Mike: A little old, yes.

Carol (still looking): Well, uh, how about Mary Jane Reynolds? She has a son just the right age.

Mike (laughing): Harold?

Carol: Well, he always liked Marcia, I’m sure he’d love to take her to the dance.

Mike: Isn’t he that shy kid?

Carol: Well, right, well, he’ll need a little encouragement. Well, I think I’ll call Mary Jane. (She dials) Mike, suppose he doesn’t want to take her.

Mike: He better, (mocking a Transylvanian accent) or he’ll have to tangle with count Dracula.

(He runs over and playfully bites at Carol’s neck.)

Carol: Mike, oh, Mike, stop it.

(Next, Greg is in the kitchen with Alice massaging his neck)

Alice: How did you get the kick in your neck?

Greg: I gave Joey Michaelson a karate chop.

Alice: And you got a stiff neck?

Greg: Then he gave me a karate chop.

Alice: Oh. Say, isn’t Joey the boy who used to have a crush on Marcia?

Greg: Yeah, but he swore off girls. He likes karate better.

Alice: Yeah, it’s less dangerous.

Greg: Why did you ask me about Joey?

Alice: Well, I wonder if he might be interested in taking Marcia to the dance.

Greg: Nah, no chance.

Alice: That’s too bad. Aw, it’s a shame she’s not going.

Greg: Yeah, that is a shame.

(Greg and Joey are outside wrestling. Joey has Greg in a headlock.)

Greg: All right, all right. You sure are strong, Joey.

Joey: I got you down that time.

Greg; Too bad you don’t know about leverage. You’d be a great wrestler.

Joey: What’s leverage?

Greg: Well, it’s applying force with a lot less pressure. We studied that in physics. You know, you’re the worst student in the whole class.

Joey: You keep telling me that.

Greg: It’s true.

Joey: Okay, so it’s not my best subject. That’s why I asked you to help me study for the final.

Greg: I changed my mind.

Joey: Why?

Greg: I guess I don’t have the time.

Joey: Greg, if I flunk physics, I’m gonna lose my place on the wrestling team.

Greg: How bad do you want it?

Joey: Real bad.

Greg: Well, they say every man has his price.

(Alice is in the kitchen when Eddie, the delivery boy, comes in with groceries.)

Eddie: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi.

Eddie: That’ll be $8.21. (He puts his hand out)

Alice: Uh-huh. Thank you Eddie.

Eddie: What’s wrong?

Alice: Very little. You’ll do just fine. (He gives her a puzzled look as she gets money from her purse. She gives him a $10 bill.) Keep the change.

Eddie (excited): $1.79?

Alice: $1.79.

Eddie: Wow, that’s the biggest tip I ever got.

Alice: Well, there’s  lots more where that came from.

Eddie: Just for delivering groceries?

Alice: Not exactly.

(Mike and Carol are in the family room when the doorbell rings.)

Carol: That must be Harold.

Mike (looking at his watch): Yeah, I’ll get it.

(Mike answers the door and is surprised to see that it’s Eddie.)

Eddie: Mr. Brady.

Mike: Yes, who are you?

Eddie: Eddie, the delivery boy.

Mike: Oh, what have you got?

Eddie: I didn’t bring any groceries, Mr. Brady. I came to see Marcia.

Mike (taken aback): You did?

Eddie: Yeah. (Mike turns around) Aren’t you going to let me in?

Mike: Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on in.

(Alice comes in)

Alice: Eddie, what are you doing here at this late hour?

Eddie: I got here when you told me to.

Alice: Isn’t that nice? Well, suppose I go upstairs and get Marcia.

Mike (firmly): Wait a minute, Alice. I think you’d better let me handle this.

Alice: Of course, Mr. Brady. Well, I’ll be upstairs with the other children in case there’s any good news to tell.

(She leaves)

Mike: Uh, come on Eddie, sit down. (Mike goes to sit down with him then the doorbell rings again.) Eddie, I’m expecting someone, Now, you just make yourself comfortable and I’ll be right with you. (He answers the door and it’s Joey.) Joey.

Joey: Anything wrong, Mr. Brady?

Mike: No, no, I was just expecting someone else. Come on in. Greg, there’s somebody here to see you!

Joey: I didn’t come to see Greg.

Mike: Who did you come to see?

Joey: Marcia.

Mike (flabbergasted): Joey, I think you better come sit down. (Joey goes to sit down with Eddie) You to know each other?

Joey: Yeah. (to Eddie) Hi.

Carol (coming out): Hi, Eddie. Hi, Joey.

(They both rise)

Eddie: Good evening, Mrs. Brady.

Joey: Hi, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: Sit down boys. (They sit. She whispers to Mike) What’s going on.

Mike (whispering): I don’t know.

(The doorbell rings again.)

Carol: Oh, it’s Harold.

Mike: Another county heard from.

(He answers the door and Marcia comes downstairs)

Marcia: Hi, Eddie. Hi, Joey.

(They both rise)

Eddie: Hi, Marcia.

Joey: Hi.

(Mike comes in with Harold)

Marcia: Harold, what are you doing here.

Harold: I, uh, I…

Mike: Harold, why don’t you take a seat with the others in the bullpen. (Harold joins Eddie and Joey) Marcia, I think we ought to have a little talk, alone.

Marcia: Now?

Carol: Marcia…

Marcia: Mother, please, you’re both embarrassing me.

Carol: Marcia.

Marcia: Mother, please, I’d like to see what they want.

Mike (to Carol): Come on, honey. We’ll both be in the den.

(They both move to the den while Marcia looks at the boys and they look at her back.)

Carol: We should have told her.

Mike: Well, we tried to.

Carol: I guess it was a bad idea to begin with.

Mike: No, it couldn’t have been that bad, if three people in the same house had the same idea.

Carol: Well, maybe it will all work out. Maybe only one of them will ask her. Maybe…

Marcia: So you’ve all been bribed! All of you, Good night!

(They hear her angry footsteps going upstairs.)

Carol: I better go upstairs and talk to her.

Mike: I better say something to her male visitors and I’m not sure what.

(The next scene has Alice returning Marcia’s dress to the store.)

Alice (to the cashier): Miss, I’d like to return this dress.

Woman: Oh, uh, doesn’t it fit?

Alice: Oh, it fits. Doesn’t fit me. Not that it matters.

Woman: Would you be interested in something else?

Alice: A volume on child psychology, without braces.

(Next, Mike and Carol are in the kitchen, drinking coffee.)

Carol: Stop brooding Mike. Marcia’s a very sensible girl. She’ll get over it.

Mike: I know. the question is, can I get over the disappointment.

Carol: Well, we did all we could. Maybe too much. There will be other dances.

Mike: I guess you’re right.

(The doorbell rings. mike gets ready to get up and answer.)

Carol (stopping him): Alice is there.

Mike: I’d better go. The stag line may be forming again.

(He comes out to the living room, where Alan is waiting.)

Mike (shaking Alan’s hand): Hi Alan, how are you?

Alan: Hello, Mr. Brady.

Mike: What’s new.

Alan: Nothing much. Alice went up to get Marcia. Your daughter sure spends a lot of time upstairs.

Mike (laughing): That’s the way girls are. When are you leaving with your parents?

Alan: We’re not going, that’s what I came to tell Marcia.

Mike: you mean you are gonna take her to the dance?

Alan: You bet, that’s what I want to tell her.

(Marcia comes down with Alice)

Mike: Did you hear that, Marcia?

Marcia: Yeah. (to Alan) How much are they paying you?

Alan: Paying me? Who? What are you talking about?

Marcia: Why are you going to take me to the dance?

Alan: Gee, Marcia, that’s a silly question.

Marcia: Tell me, Alan. I want to know.

(Mike and Alice go to the kitchen)

Alan: I want to take you to the dance because I like you, I really like you. Marcia, you act real crazy sometimes, but you’re still the grooviest looking girl in the whole school.

Marcia (smiling): Thanks, Alan.

Alan: Will you go with me.

Marcia (nodding): I’m so happy I could cry.

Mike (to Alice): What, again?

Alice: That’s what young ladies are made of.

(Alice returns to the department store to buy back Marcia’s dress. She sees the same cashier and confronts her.)

Alice: Miss, miss, yesterday I returned a party dress.

Woman: Yes, I well remember.

Alice: It’s black, white with a pink (Pause) for a young girl.

Woman: You said it wasn’t quite your size.

Alice: Well, have you sold it yet?

Woman: No, it’s still here.

Alice: Oh good, I want to buy it back again.

Woman: You must have found your volume on child psychology.

Alice: No, it’s just that Alan’s family decided not to go out of town after all. (The woman looked puzzled) You see, what happened was…

Woman: If it ends well, there’s no need to explain. And I’m sure it will end well if the girl wears this…

Alice: She’ll look like a dream.

(That evening, Marcia is coming down the stairs in her new dress. Alan and the rest of the family are waiting. She goes up to Alan.)

Alan: Are you real sure you wanna go with me?

Marcia: Of course I do. Why shouldn’t I?

Alan: I flew over the handlebars on my bike, nearly knocked all my teeth out. (He shows her his new braces.) I have to wear these things until the roots get strong again.

(Marcia laughs. They take each other by the arm and leave, as the family looks on and the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Mike and Carol in their room, getting ready for bed.)

Mike: You know, I’d go through it all over again, just to see the expressions on their faces as they went out the door.

Carol: I felt like crying.

(Mike laughs as he kisses her cheek.)

Mike: That must run in the family.

Carol: Mike.

Mike: Hmm.

Carol: Would you love me if I had to wear braces?

Mike: Every chance I got.

(He kisses her again and they turn out the lights to got o sleep.)

                             THE END

untitled allen

S1 E19 The Big Sprain

 

untitled alice sprain

The Big Sprain

Written by Tam Spiva

While Carol is out of town, Alice sprains her ankle. This causes disarray in the Brady household. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS
MIKE BRADY
CAROL BRADY
ALICE NELSON
GREG BRADY
MARCIA BRADY
PETER BRADY
JAN BRADY
BOBBY BRADY
CINDY BRADY

SAM THE BUTCHER

(The episode begins with Alice in the kitchen, putting away dishes she just washed. Mike comes in to help her out)

Mike: Give you a hand, Alice?

Alice: Oh, no thanks. Everything’s under control. Was that Mrs. Brady on the phone?

Mike: Oh yeah, she said she arrived safely.

Alice: How long will she be staying?

Mike: Well, until her Aunt Mary recovers from whatever it is Aunt Mary’s recovering from.

Alice: She’s always coming down with something.

Mike: Right, you name it. And Aunt Mary’s had it, has it or is about to get it.

Alice: Well, I just hope Mrs. Brady can have a little fun this trip.

Mike: Yeah, I hope so too. I also hope that running this place single handed isn’t going to be too much for you, Alice.

Alice: A breeze, Mr. Brady. Less than that, a zephyr.

Mike: Yeah, well, six kids and me and Tiger all adds up to work.

Alice: What work? Vacuuming, dusting, making the beds, cooking the meals, washing the…, you’re right, it all adds up to work.

Mike: You see.

Alice: Well, nothing one able bodied female can’t handle. Oh.

Mike: What?

Alice (suddenly realizing): Oh, the apple pie. I left the rest of it on the dining room table, and I want the rest of it to go in the lunchboxes tomorrow, not in the kids tummies tonight. (She goes out to the dinner table) I can take care of this household standing on my (She sips on some Chinese checkers left on the floor) HEAD!!!. (She falls)

Mike (rushing out to help her): Alice, Alice, Alice! Are you all right?

Alice: I’ll live. But I’m not the able bodied female I was a minute ago, Mr. Brady. My foot played a game of Chinese checkers and lost.

(The next scene has the kids in the family room. Mike comes in to lecture them.)

Mike: Okay, I called this unusually late evening meeting to issue a medical bulletin. The doctor says that Alice’s ankle is only sprained. But it’s a bad sprain and she’s gonna hafta stay off of it for a while and that’s gonna be very hard on Alice.

Bobby: We’re sorry we left our Chinese checkers on the dining room floor.

Mike: Yes, you violated a strict family rule about leaving your toys spread all over for other people to trip over.

Greg: I don’t think we should all be blamed.

Marcia: At least we should all tell Alice we’re sorry.

Mike: Alice is resting. But, what you can all tell me is going to do the cooking, and the cleaning, and the washing, and all the other housework around here, while Alice is grounded and your mother is gone, huh? (The kids all look at each other with doubt) Well, I’m going to tell you, while Alice is grounded, you are all going to assume the job of running this house, that’s starting tomorrow and right after school.

Greg: But Dad, our team has workouts all this week,  so we can stay in shape for the next game.

Mike: I’ll guarantee your coach you will stay in shape.

Marcia: What about my music lessons?

Mike: You can hum a lot while you work.

Jan: No dance class?

Mike: That’s right, no dance class.

Peter: Dad, would you believe that I was going to spend every afternoon studying in the library?

Mike (laughing): Good try, Peter, and I would like to believe that, but it would boggle my mind. Anybody else.

Bobby: I give up.

Cindy: Me too.

Mike: Good, now that we understand each other, hit the sack. Starting with breakfast tomorrow, we get to work.

(The next scene has Alice in her room wearing her bathrobe. She struggles to get up. Mike knocks)

Alice: come in.

Mike (entering the room): Hey, Alice, you’re supposed to stay off that ankle.

Alice: Well, I, (she sits down) Okay, I’m off it.

Mike: See? listen, if there’s anything you want, I’ll get it for you.

Alice: Oh, in the closet. the last one on the end.

(Mike goes in her closet and gets Alice’s yellow dress)

Mike (checking it out): Hey, that’s very pretty.

Alice: It’s the first long dress I’ve had since high school. (Pause) Same color, if not quite the same size.

Mike: What are you gonna do with this dress tonight?

Alice: Put it in mothballs?

Mike: You’re losing me, Alice.

Alice: Mr. Brady, Saturday night is the annual meat cutter’s ball. Sam was going to take me and I was going to wear this dress.

Mike: Oh, Alice, I’m sure sorry about that. I don’t know what else to say.

Alice: Well, why don’t you say what you came in to say. I’ll have plenty of time to feel sorry for myself.

Mike: I talked to the kids. Tomorrow, they’re going to take over all the household chores by mutual agreement.

Alice: Mutual agreement?

Mike: Well, with a little persuasion. But they agreed. They’re a family unit, Alice, and this is their job.

Alice: I hate to think of the mess I’m gonna have to face when I get well.

Mike: Alice, there’s going to be no mess. Believe me, starting with breakfast tomorrow morning, everything is gonna run like clockwork.

(The next scene starts with a bell ringing. Marcia and Jan are in the kitchen arguing over dishes and other things)

Jan: I’m not going to wash all these dishes, I won’t live that long.

Marcia: Well, I’m certainly not, I did the eggs.

Jan: You mean you dropped the eggs.

(They give each other angry frowns and Marcia goes to collect pots form the stove. Cindy is waiting for toast to pop out of the toaster)

Cindy: It’s stuck. (She taps the toaster with a wooden spoon) Come out! Come out!

(The boys are over at the staircase leaving for school. Mike meets them at the bottom of the stairs)

Mike: You finished breakfast already?

Greg: Take my advice, Dad. Stay out of the kitchen. Breakfast isn’t worth it.

Peter: The girls are taking perfectly good food and making garbage out of it.

Bobby: Poison garbage.

Mike: You have to have something to eat.

Greg: We’ll settle for the cafeteria at noon.

Mike: Listen, you can’t go to school on an empty stomach. Why don’t you have some milk.

Peter: Not in there. They’ll probably try to fry it.

Mike: Suit yourselves. (He gives each of them money to buy breakfast) There. I’ll be the guinea pig.

(The boys leave while Mike goes into the kitchen)

Marcia (to Jan): Here it is, only the first breakfast, and I had to do everything. Absolutely everything!

Jan: If everything means dropping the frozen orange juice on the floor, then you’ve done everything, all right!

Mike: Good morning, everybody.

Marcia: Good morning, Daddy. (to Jan) I’m sorry about Alice, but I don’t see why I had to do absolutely everything!

Jan: Stop that absolutely everything stuff! I’m the one who had to…

Mike: Whoa, whoa, whoa, don’t attack before I had my coffee. (He turns to Cindy) Hi, Cindy.

Cindy: Hi.

(He sits down and Marcia and Jan give him eggs and coffee. He takes a sip and gives a sour look.)

Marcia: Is it all right?

Mike: It’s a little strong.

Jan (to Marcia); I told you not to let it perk for an hour!

Marcia: It only perked for 45 minutes.

Mike: Now, calm down, both of you, what is the furor?

Jan: Well, in the first place, the boys are supposed to wash the dishes.

Marcia: But they said, if they weren’t going to eat, they didn’t have to clean up.

Jan: And second!

Mike: Forget the second, Jan. We’ll work this all out tonight. (He goes to examine the eggs and notices how dirty and messy they are.) My, my. A lot of them, aren’t there.

Jan: All we could scoop up after Marcia dropped them on the floor.

Marcia: Not on the floor.

Jan: That’s where she dropped the orange juice.

(Mike was just about to take a sip but balked at that statement)

Mike: Uh, listen, I’ll just settle for a piece of toast.

Jan: Cindy, where’s the toast?

Cindy: In the toaster, I’m still waiting for it.

Mike (looking at his watch): My gosh, I didn’t realize it was this late. I better rush. Remind the boys, straight home from school, and on housework detail. And don’t bother Alice, because she needs the rest.

Marcia: All right, Daddy.

(Mike gets up to leave and the toast finally comes out)

Cindy: Daddy, here’s your toast.

Mike: Cindy, I don’t think I can eat another bite.

(Mike almost burns his hand while taking the toast out. He leaves.)

Cindy: Bye, Dad.

(Next, Alice is in bed reading a book. Greg knocks on the door)

Alice: Come in.

Greg: Sorry Alice, I couldn’t find it.

Alice: The mop isn’t in the service porch?

Greg: Only Tiger’s in the service porch.

Alice: What’s Tiger doing there?

Greg: I left the sprinklers on too long and flooded his doghouse.

Alice: Well, try the upstairs hall closet.

Greg: Okay. (He leaves)

Alice (to herself): Flooded the doghouse?

(She then hears a rambling noise. Jan comes in with soap suds on her clothes.)

Jan: Hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi, Jan. Too much soap in the washing machine.

Jan: How did you know?

Alice: ESP.

Jan: Well, it’ll be all right. Peter’s gonna vacuum up the soap suds in the dining room.

Alice: Got that far, didn’t it. (She starts to get up) Want some more help?

Jan: Oh no, I just came by to see how you were. Well, I better go find the wash.

Alice: Find the wash?

Jan: Yeah, it just floated off somewhere.

(She leaves. The next scene has Mike down at Sam’s butcher shop.)

Sam: Oh, hi Mr. Brady.

Mike: Hi, Sam.

Sam: What can I do for you?

Mike: Well, something for dinner that can be fixed in a hurry, Sam. I understand that the roast we were gonna have has been burned to a crisper.

Sam: Oh, well, how about some chops. I have lamb chops, pork chops, veal chops, or you could take some of each and make chop suey.

(He laughs but Mike scoffs at his joke)

Mike: Listen Sam, I’ll take eight of your lamb chops.

Sam: Okay. Say, how come Alice burned the roast? She’s a better cook than that.

Mike: Alice didn’t do it, the girls burned it.

Sam: Isn’t Alice with you anymore?

Mike: Oh, that’s right. You didn’t know. No, Alice is in bed. She had a fall.

Sam: Oh, bad?

Mike: Well, she sprained her ankle.

Sam: Gee, that’s a shame.

Mike: Yeah.

Sam: Well, it could be worse. At least it wasn’t her short ribs. (He laughs but Mike scoffs even more) I’ll take a dime off that last joke.

Mike: Could you take a quarter? (They both laugh)

(Next, Mike is at home ready to put the lamb chops in the oven.)

Mike: There they are. Eight lamb chops ready to be broiled.

(He puts them away and notices something burning.)

Mike: What’s burning?

Jan: Must be Marcia’s peas. She didn’t put any water in them.

(Mike takes the lid off and notices the peas burning)

Marcia: How about those potatoes you put in the oven three hours ago.

Mike: Three. (He looks over to the oven and notices something else on the stove burning.) Listen, let’s throw everything into the sink except the lamb chops.

Cindy: And my salad, it’s not burning.

Mike: Okay. (The phone rings. it’s Carol calling to say hi.) Hello. Carol! Hi, darling.

Carol: Hi, honey. How are you?

Cindy: Oh, mommy, Mommy, let me talk to her! Oh, please! (She runs over to the phone but drops the salad.) Mommy! Oh, please, let me talk to her! Please!

(Mike sends Cindy away)

Mike: Yes, sweetheart. Of course we miss you.

Carol: How are all the kids?

Mike: Oh, honey, we’re fine. We’re just fine. (Pause) Except for Alice. She took a little spill and she sprained her ankle.

(Marcia and Jan run up to him)

Marcia: Dad, the sink’s stopped up.

Mike (struggling to ignore them): Uh, yes sweetheart.

Carol: If Alice hurt herself, maybe I should come right back.

Mike: Oh honey, there’s no reason for you to come home. None whatsoever. The kids have everything under control.

Greg (coming up to him): Dad, I hate to bother you when you’re on the phone.

Mike: No, no, honey, listen. I mean it. I really mean it. You wouldn’t know the house.

Greg: Peter’s T-shirt is stuck in the vacuum cleaner.

Carol: What’s all the commotion?

Mike: Uh, the kids and I are just having a little fun here, honey.

Greg: But Peter’s in his t-shirt.

Mike (to Greg): What?

Carol: Tell Alice I hope she feels better.

Mike: Yeah, yes sweetheart. I’ll tell Alice.

(Carol’s Aunt Mary calls for her.)

Carol: Well, Aunt Mary’s calling, so I better run. I’ll talk to you soon. Okay? Bye, honey.

Mike: All right. bye, honey.

(He hangs up and starts to yell at Greg as the scene fades out.)

NOTE: During the phone conversation between Mike and Carol, We can hear Jan repeating her previous line: “I’m not going to wash all these dishes, I won’t live that long”.

(The next scene has Sam visiting Alice.)

Alice: Sam, this is the sweetest thing you could’ve done. Coming to see me and bringing me candy and flowers. It’s almost worth spraining my ankle for.

Sam: Could I take a look at it?

Alice: Why not? everybody else has. Although I have never heard of a butcher who was a doctor.

Sam: Well, I’ve known plenty of doctors who were butchers. (he looks at Alice’s ankle) Boy, that does look pretty bad. I wouldn’t put meat like that on my counter.

Alice: Sam, you always know just the right thing to say.

Sam: Right now I have to say good-bye, because this is my bowling night. Besides, you need rest and quiet. Try to enjoy it, Alice.

Alice: I’ll enjoy it, all right. Especially Saturday night.

Sam: Oh, boy, that’s right. With that ankle, you won’t be able to go to the meat cutter’s ball.

Alice: No, Sam, I won’t.

Sam: Well, gee Alice, would your feelings be terribly hurt if I went anyway? I mean, being on the entertainment committee and all?

Alice: Oh, my feelings wouldn’t be hurt at all, I want you to go and have fun. Who will you take?

Sam: Um, I’ll think of somebody. Well, I got to run now, Alice. Take care of yourself and ta-ta.

Alice: Ta-ta, Sam.

(Alice gets depressed as Sam leaves. Mike comes in.)

Mike: Hey, Alice, I saw Sam arrive with the flowers. Can I get you a vase and some water to put them in?

Alice: No thanks, Mr. Brady. I think I’ll be able to water them myself.

(Alice starts to cry into the flowers as the scene fades out.)

(The next scene has Greg playing basketball and Marcia comes by to speak to him.)

Marcia: Greg. (Greg ignores her and keeps playing) Greg! (Greg continues to play and doesn’t respond) Hey, you dazzling basketball star.

Greg: Dazzling did it. But if it’s about the dishes, forget it. We made our decision, you girls make the mess, you girls clean it up.

Marcia: You heard last night, when Dad was talking to Mom on the phone.

Greg: Yeah.

Marcia: You heard him tell her what a great job we were doing, taking care of the house, so she wouldn’t worry and come home.

Greg: That’s right.

Marcia: No, it’s wrong. We’re doing a terrible job.

Greg: You mean about the mess in the kitchen and the washing machine flood?

Marcia: That and everything else. (Pause) We’re trying, but we’re not trying together.

Greg: Well, I guess you’re right. Even a dazzling basketball star needs to feel he’s part of a team.

Marcia: Dad shouldn’t have to make excuses to Mom.

Greg: Yeah, you go get Jan and Cindy and I’ll round up the men.

Marcia: then what?

Greg: Teamwork, with a capital “work”.

(The next scene has all the kids going to clean the family room, with brooms and other cleaning devices in hand)

Greg: CHARGE!!!

(Mike and Alice come out and watch in admiration. Next, they tidy up the garage while Mike looks on, albeit with disbelief. Then, Alice watches them go down the stairs with clothes to wash. Then Mike watches them go up the stairs with their clothes clean.)

(Next, Bobby and Cindy greet Mike and Alice at the bottom of the stairs for dinner.)

Cindy: Boy, have we ever got a terrific surprise .

Mike: You do.

Bobby: Come on, Alice.

(He takes her by the hand and leads her to the table. Cindy does the same to Mike.)

Cindy: You sit here, Daddy.

Bobby: And you there, Alice, you’re our special guest.

Mike: What is all this?

(The other kids come out with dinner, which they made.)

Marcia: Dinner is served.

(She, Greg, Peter and Jan pass off the meal and count 1,2,3,4 until everything is on the table)

Mike: What kind of miracle is taking place here, anyway?

Alice: Mr. Brady, if a miracle happens, don’t question it. Just lean back and accept it.

Mike: Thank you. (He takes an olive and eats it)

(Next, Alice is in Mike’s den talking on the phone with a friend.)

Alice (laughing): What do you mean “interior motives”, Sally? I don’t have ulterior motives… much. Long as you’re going bowling on Saturday night, that answers my question. Bye. (She hangs up the phone and Mike walks in.) Well, that does it.

Mike: Does what, Alice?

Alice: I called every girl I now that Sam knows, Mr. Brady. And not one of them will admit that he’s taking her to the meat cutter’s ball.

Mike: Maybe he’s going stag.

Alice: Sam? Stag? The only time he’s heard that word is when somebody brought a dead deer into the butcher shop. He’s taking somebody, I know it. But, oh well, what difference does it make anyway? The dance is tomorrow night. 24 hours from now, Sam will be on the dance floor, under the twinkling lights, violins sighing, the air heady with perfume, and he’ll be stomping around the floor like all the other butchers.

(The next scene has Mike paying another visit to Sam’s butcher shop.)

Mike: Hey Sam, you still open.

Sam: Sure, Mr. Brady. Why should I be closed so early?

Mike: Well, tonight’s the big night, isn’t it? Meat cutter’s ball?

Sam: Yeah, tonight’s the night. What can I do for you?

Mike: Well, eight of your best steaks, Sam.

Sam: Oh, celebrating something?

Mike: Yeah, well, it’s more like a reward for a hungry army.

Sam: Ah, the kids are still doing housework. Alice is still sidelined?

Mike: Well, she’s up and around a little, Sam. But I don’t know, her ankle’s still giving her a little trouble and then, unfortunately…

Sam: She can’t make it to the party, is that it?

Mike: That’s it.

Sam: So I have to take somebody else, is that it?

Mike: That’s it.

Sam: Boy, you must think I’m an all time heel, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Sam, it’s none of my business.

Sam: You gotta understand, when you get to be a big man with the union, like I am, you know, on the entertainment committee and all, well, the union expects big things from big men. Like showing up at parties.

Mike: Listen, Sam, I understand.

Sam: Yeah, but women don’t, not women like Alice, anyway. She probably thinks I’m 185 pounds of rejected rump roast.

Mike (laughing): I’m sure she doesn’t.

Sam: I’m sure she does, Mr. Brady. Oh, she probably thinks she’s resigned to staying home tonight, but who knows what’s really going on in that cute little head of hers, huh.

Mike: Sam.

Sam: Yes, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Listen, I think you’ve got more than eight steaks there.

Sam: Oh, (He checks) You’re right. Such is the fate of an amorous butcher.

(Sam removes some steaks as we cut in the next scene. The kids are in the family room when Mike comes in to talk to them.)

Mike: Okay, once again kids, I’ve called a late evening meeting, but this time, it’s not to issue a medical bulletin or to lecture you about carelessness. It’s to tell you how proud I am and how pleased that you’ve gotten together and you’ve worked as a team.

Greg: We’re glad your pleased Dad, because we really tried.

Marcia: but there’s another thing we did, when Alice sprained her ankle.

Mike: Yes.

Marcia: We sprained Alice’s love life, too.

Greg: And all the team work in the world doesn’t look like it’ll fix that up.

Mike: Well, you know, there are some things we have control over, and some things we don’t. I honestly don’t know what we can do about Sam and Alice and the meat cutter’s ball. But anyway, you’ve earned a little rest and relaxation so come on, enjoy yourselves until bedtime, but keep it down because I have work to do. (He leaves)

Jan: There must be something we can do abut Alice.

Marcia: I don’t know. It’s pretty hard to fix a broken heart.

Bobby: Yeah, even with splints and a first aid kit.

Greg: Dad’s probably right, just forget about it.

Marcia: That’s it.

Peter: What?

Marcia: Make Alice forget about all the dance.

Bobby: It’s gonna be hard.

Cindy: No it isn’t. Forgetting’s easy, it’s remembering that’s hard.

(Alice is in her room reading when Marcia and Jan come in to see her.)

Marcia: Hi, Alice, what’s up?

Alice: Well, I’m reading a book, if that’s what you mean.

Jan: Any good?

Alice: If you like love stories.

Marcia: We’re about to have a feast in the kitchen. Why don’t you come on in and join us.

Jan: I’m going to make my famous peanut butter and pickle sandwiches. I can’t burn those, they’re too soggy.

Alice: It does sound tempting but I’ve been on this ankle a little too much today. I better stay here.

Jan: Okay.

(She and Marcia leave. Peter and Greg come in.)

Peter: Come on, Alice, quick, or you’ll miss it.

Alice: Miss what?

Greg: A great wrestling match on television. A championship bout.

Peter: Rotten Otto is challenging Dirty Destiny.

Alice: Wow, that does sound like a challenge, all right. I appreciate the invitation, but I’m afraid Rotten and Dirty are going to have to do without me tonight. I’m staying put.

(They leave and then Bobby and Cindy come in)

Bobby: Hi, Alice, wanna play come cards with us?

Alice; What kind?

Cindy: Old maid.

Bobby: That was dumb.

(They leave and Alice starts to get suspicious)

Alice (to herself): A feast in the kitchen, a wrestling match, a game of cards? I wonder just what’s up.

(She starts to get up. Marcia and Jan are in the living room.)

Marcia: All six of us tried, and all six of us failed.

Jan: Maybe Daddy can talk to her.

Marcia: He’s in his den working. We can’t bother him.

Alice (entering the living room): No girls, you can’t. (She sits down) Anyway, there’s no reason for him to talk to me. I know what you kids were trying to do, and I…

Marcia (defensive): We weren’t trying to do anything, Alice.

Alice: Oh yes you were. You were trying to get me interested in something else so I wouldn’t feel so sorry for myself.

Jan: How in the world did you figure that out?

Alice: ESP again, Jan? And it’s sweet of you to care so much, but quit worrying about old Alice. Where’s the rest of the gang?

Marcia: They went to bed.

Alice: Well it’s late, you better go up too. And let old Alice worry about old Alice. Hmm, go on.

(Marcia and Jan get up and kiss Alice good night)

Alice: Good night kids.

Marcia and Jan: Good night.

(The doorbell rings and Alice answers it. Sam comes to visit.)

Alice: Sam!

Sam: It’s me, Alice.

Alice: That’s what I said, Sam. (They laugh) How come you’re not at the ball?

Sam: Oh, come on, Alice, you know I couldn’t go with my best girl. It just wouldn’t be any fun. Here, I brought you a little nosegay.

Alice (pleased): Oh, Sam, a nosegay is just what I need. Right now, I got the gayest nose in town. (She checks it out) Sam, it’s just beautiful. It’s just the right shape for my robe.

Sam: Can I come in?

Alice: Oh, sure, sure, Mrs. Brady is still out of town, Mr. Brady is in his den, the kids have gone up to bed.

Sam: Well, Alice, even if me miss the ball, I thought we could make some music together.

(They head outside while Mike watches and notices the kids watching from upstairs. He cautions them to keep quiet.)

Sam: Alice, would I be getting fresh if I suggested that we take a step out on the patio and look at the stars?

Alice: Sam, are you going to kiss me under those stars?

Sam: I’m sure going to try.

Alice: One good thing about butchers, they make no bones about it.

(They walk arm-in-arm out to the patio as the scene fades out)

(The final scene is where Carol finally arrives home. Jan runs in to inform the family.)

Jan: Mom’s back! He’s coming in the driveway now!

(The other kids cheer and run outside to greet her.)

Cindy: Hey Alice, did you hear that?

Mike (coming form the den): Hey, hey, hey, wait for me.

(Alice, who is back in uniform and vacuuming the living room, goes to join them. However, she trips over the vacuum cleaner. Mike stops and looks back.)

Mike: Alice? Alice, you hurt again?

(Alice is down on the floor with her hands on both sides of her face, but not hurt.)

Alice: No, I just dented my dignity.

Mike (yelling out to the kids): All right, who left the vacuum cleaner out in the middle of the floor?

Alice (raising her hand): I’m afraid I did, Mr. Brady.

(She puts her hand back up on the side of her face.)

                                           THE END

 

 

S1 E18 Tiger! Tiger!

untitled tiger 2

Tiger! Tiger!

Written by Elroy Schwartz

Tiger, the family dog, has disappeared. The family gets worried he may have been dognapped or something worse. Will they find him eventually? Let’s find out. I Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS
MIKE BRADY
CAROL BRADY
ALICE NELSON
GREG BRADY
MARCIA BRADY
PETER BRADY
JAN BRADY
BOBBY BRADY
CINDY BRADY

MRS. SIMPSON, a new neighbor

(The story begins outside in the backyard. Bobby is playing a game of fetch with Tiger)

Bobby (carrying a stick): Tiger, come on. Come on, Tiger. Come on. Tiger. Tiger, come on. Come on, boy. Come on, Tiger.

(Bobby runs around the yard with a stick for Tiger to chase before he fetches. He calls to Tiger a few more times till he catches the stick and Bobby pets him. Alice comes out)

Alice: Bobby, it’s time to feed Tiger.

Bobby: Okay. Now you stay here, tiger. I’ll be right back.

(Bobby throws the stick and Tiger chases it. Then he goes inside)

Alice: After we gat Tiger fed, we’ll feed us.

(Bobby takes Tiger’s dish and some dry food. He pours the food in the dish and finds the box is almost empty.)

Bobby: Alice, we need some more dog food.

Alice: Already? That dog eats more like a horse. One of these days instead of barking, he’s going to whinny.

(Bobby goes outside to feed Tiger)

Bobby: Tiger, chow time, Tiger. Tiger. (He looks for him in the doghouse) Come on out of there, Tiger. Tiger? Tiger? Tiger! (He puts the dish down and runs) Tiger! Tiger!

(The scene fades out. The next scene has Mike talking to Bobby in the living room and leaving for a golf game)

Mike: There’s nothing to worry about, Bobby. Greg, Peter and Marcia are checking the neighborhood and I’m sure they’re going to find Tiger.

Bobby: I hope so. He never did anything like this before, Dad. Just (Pause) disappeared. for all night.

Carol (coming out): He’s gone all right, I looked everyplace for him. Well, mike, you better get going. You’re gonna be late for your golf game.

Mike: Ooh, yeah. You seen my car keys?

Carol: Yeah, I think they’re in the kitchen. I’ll take a look.

Mike: Okay.

(He’s getting ready to leave)

Bobby: Dad?

Mike: Yeah.

Bobby: Would you play golf if I were missing?

Mike: No, Bobby. Of course not.

Bobby: Then how can you play with Tiger missing?

Mike (taking a breath): Look, I’m sure they’re gonna find that dog in the next five minutes.

Bobby: You don’t know that for real sure.

Mike: Well, no.

Bobby: Tiger’s a member of the family, isn’t he?

Mike: Well, yeah, Tiger’s a member of the family.

Bobby: And you’ve even had him longer than you had me.

Mike: Yeah, that’s true.

Bobby: Then how can you play golf?

(The next scene has Mike and Bobby coming back from hunting for Tiger. Mike unbuckles his seat belt and gets out of the car. A depressed Bobby still sits in the car. Mike leans over to him from outside.)

Bobby: He wasn’t anywhere, anywhere at all.

Mike: Well, at least it was a try, Bob.

Bobby: Yeah, and you said if you didn’t find him, you’d put a lost and found ad in the paper.

Mike: Yeah, that’s right, and with this pad and paper and the patio table, we’re ready to get to work. Come on.

(Bobby gets out and he and Mike go over to the patio table.)

Mike: what do we say in the ad?

Bobby: Well, just say the truth. Say the best dog in the world was lost today, and we want him back.

Mike: Well, that tells a lot about him, Bob. but maybe we ought to say what he looks like too, huh.

Bobby: Okay?

Mike: Let’s see, uh. Lost: large, shaggy, tan dog with white muscle. Family pet, wearing collar with name tag. Tiger Brady.

Bobby: You forgot the part about best dog in the world.

Mike: Yeah, well, let’s see here. Uh, how’s this? Family pet, best dog in the world, wearing collar and so forth.

Bobby: Okay. How much of a reward are you going to offer?

Mike: Well, what do you think we should?

Bobby: A million dollars.

Mike: That’s a lot of money for Tiger and it’s a little steep for me too.

Bobby: But Tiger’s worth it.

Mike: Well, I was thinking of offering, well, $25.00 for Tiger.

Bobby: Well, okay.

Mike: Let’s go call the paper.

(Greg and Peter come outside)

Greg: Dad?

Mike: Yeah.

Greg: We peddled around till we were exhausted.

Peter: Now we’re gonna go out and look again.

Bobby: Dad’s gonna offer a $25.00 reward.

Peter: $25.00, wow!

Greg: I saved up $4.00 I’d like to add.

Mike: $25 is enough, Greg.

Greg: Really, Dad, I want to.

Mike: All right, that’ll make it $29.00.

Peter: There’s this nifty model airplane I’ve been saving for, but I’d rather give the money for Tiger. $2.14.

Mike: All right, Peter.

Bobby: I’ve got $1.12.

Mike: And $1.12, that makes, uh. let’s see, six. $32.26, and that’s a lot of money, even for Tiger.

Bobby: Yeah, but it’s still not a million.

(Mike hits Bobby on the head playfully with the pad.)

Greg; See you later, Dad.

(Inside, Alice is in the kitchen scrambling eggs with the girls watching)

Alice: Now you have to watch egg whites pretty close, because if they get too stiff, you can’t unstiff them. Now that should just about do it.

(Bobby and Mike come inside)

Bobby: Hey, Dad started a reward for Tiger with $25.00, and Greg and Peter and me put some more in, and now it’s over $32.00.

Alice: You can put me down for $5.00, Mr. Brady. I’ll take it out of my dowry money.

Mike: Oh, Alice, you don’t have to do that.

Alice: I want to. Besides, the chances of getting Tiger back are a lot better than me using that dowry.

Mike: All right, that makes the total $37.00…

Bobby: And 26 cents.

Mike: Yeah, right. Come on, let’s put the ad in before it’s too late.

(Mike gets on the phone while Marcia gathers Jan and Cindy to talk in private)

Marcia: Jan, Cindy. (they move closer to the living room)

Marcia: Now I can put in three dollars, how about you?

Jan: All I have is two dollars.

Marcia: Cindy?

Cindy: I don’t have any money.

Marcia: None at all?

Cindy (shaking her head no): Can you lend me some?

Marcia: I can let you have 50 cents.

Cindy: I can give more if you lend me more.

Marcia: That’s all I’ve got.

Cindy: How about you, Jan?

Jan: After that two dollars, I’m broke.

Cindy: Then 50 cents is all I can give.

Jan: We better tell Dad before he hangs up.

(They go over to Mike)

Mike (on the phone): Would you read the ad back to me, please? (The girls try to get his attention) Yeah, yeah, that’s right. Would you hold on for just a moment? (to the girls) What?

Marcia: Jan, Cindy and I would like to add $5.50 to the reward money.

Cindy: The 50 cents is mine, I lended it from Marcia.

Mike (getting back on the phone): Would you change the amount of the reward, please, from $37.26 to $42.76. (He laughs) I know that’s an unusual amount, but, yeah, that’s it. Thank you very much.

(Mike hangs up)

Bobby (to the girls): You know something, you guys are really nice, considering you guys are girls.

(They all pat him on the shoulder)

(That evening, Carol and Mike are in the family room. Carol is looking outside the window.)

Carol (sighing): Strange how lonely it is around here tonight.

Mike: Lonely? With me here, Alice in the kitchen and  six kids wherever six kids might be. Yeah, well. (Pause) You’re right. Strange how lonely it is around here tonight.

Carol: How many times have I looked around this room and saw the muddy paw prints and the dog hairs and wished that Tiger belonged to somebody else. (Pause) You know something, Mike?

Mike: What?

Carol: I miss him.

(She sits down on his lap and he holds her)

Mike: Aw, yeah, that walking lump of hair has an intangible something. He’ll be back.

Alice (coming form the kitchen): I hope so. I’m sorry to interrupt but there was something I wanted to mention and I didn’t have a chance until now.

Mike: Go ahead, Alice, mention.

(Greg and Peter come down the stairs to raid the refrigerator)

Peter (to Greg): I wonder how come we always get hungry at night.

Greg: I don’t know. I guess dinner gives us an appetite. Let’s ask Alice what’s left over.

Peter: Yeah, I think I hear her in there with Mom and Dad.

Alice (from the family room): I didn’t want to say anything in front of the kids because I was afraid it would upset them, but I hear there’s been a rash of robberies in the neighborhood recently.

Carol: I heard that too, the Stewarts were robbed last week.

Alice: That’s right. Well it occurred to me that the thieves might have lured Tiger away. (Mike gives a disagreeable look) So they could take a whack at this house some night when we’re all asleep.

Mike: Alice, you’ve been watching too many detective shows lately.

Carol: Well, it is a possibility Mike. I mean, after all, there have been a lot of robberies, and Tiger is missing.

Alice: That’s why I thought I should mention it.

(Cut back to the kitchen with Greg and Peter)

Peter: Well, what if Dad’s wrong, and Mom and Alice are right?

Greg: Let’s get upstairs and figure out our next move. There’s gonna be a robbery tonight and we better be ready.

(The scene fades out)

(The next scene has Bobby sleeping outside in the backyard. Mike comes out to get him. He turns the flashlight on to him, waking him up.)

Bobby: Who is it? who’s here?

Mike: It’s me, Bobby. Dad.

Bobby: Oh, hi Dad.

Mike: Listen, your mother and I went in to kiss you good night and you weren’t there. And we had to worm out of Greg where you were. What are you doing out here?

Bobby: I wanted to be here if Tiger comes home. It’s all right, isn’t it.

Mike: No, Bob, it isn’t all right. It’s cold out here. There have been robberies in the neighborhood, and we can’t let you sleep out here alone.

Bobby: Well, there’s more sleeping bags in the garage. You can sleep with me if you want.

Mike: Thanks, I think we better both sleep in the house.

Bobby: I’m not afraid of burglars, Dad. Besides, they only steal things from inside the house, not outside houses.

Mike: Your mother and I wouldn’t sleep all night long. Now, come on, let’s get out of this thing.

Bobby: What if Tiger comes home and I don’t know it?

Mike: Then we’ll have a big celebration in the morning. Hurry up, get your slippers on.

Bobby (getting up): I won’t sleep a wink inside the house. Not a wink.

(Bobby is later in his room fast asleep while Mike looks in on him. Greg and Peter wake up just as Mike leaves the room and go downstairs)

(Next, Greg puts a bunch of cans over one of the doors and ties them to a string, which he puts around the doorknob.)

Peter: Are you sure this will work?

Greg: Sure, anyone tries to get in, these strings will pull these cans down right on top of them. The racket will scare them to death.

Peter: What about the kitchen?

Greg: We’ll do that last. Robbers never start in the kitchen.

Peter: Why not?

Greg: Who wants to steal lettuce and tomatoes? You bring the rest of those empty cans. (Peter takes them and they make a small noise) Shh!

(They go into the living room. Alice is awake in her room putting cream on her face. The boys go to the front door and do the same with the cans and the string, but the rattling noise startles Alice. Carol also gets awakened by the noise and Alice leaves her room to inspect. Carol turns her light on)

Carol: Mike, Mike, Mike, are you asleep?

Mike; No, I’m awake. I’m wide awake.

Carol: Mike, I heard something.

Mike: Tiger?

Carol: No, it, it, it was a noise.

Mike: One of the kids?

Carol: No, it sounded more like a… noise.

Mike: If you hear it again, let me know what it is.

Carol: No, no, Mike, listen, I’ve been thinking about what Alice said about all those robberies, and, are the doors locked?

Mike: Mmm, hmm, I checked them before we came upstairs. I locked them before we came upstairs, too.

(Mike gets out of bed)

Carol: Where are you going?

Mike: Downstairs to check the doors.

Carol: But you said you locked them.

Mike: I know, but if I don’t check them, you won’t be able to fall asleep. and I won’t be able to fall asleep, because you’ll keep on talking, right?

Carol: Right?

(Mike heads on downstairs while Alice goes to inspect the doors. Greg and Peter hear her up.)

Greg: I think I saw someone moving in the kitchen.

Peter: Well, maybe it was Tiger.

Greg: Walking on his hind legs? It must be a robber.

Peter: What’ll we do?

Greg: Let’s get my baseball bat out of the closet.

(Mike sees them from the top of the stairs and runs down)

Mike (whispering): Boys! What are you doing/

Greg (whispering): Someone’s in there.

(Mike takes the bat from Greg as they approach the kitchen. Alice goes into the family room and opens the door. She gets hit by the cans and screams. Carol runs down the stairs frightened. Alice runs out of the family room and almost runs into Mike, Carol, Greg and Peter, screaming again.)

Carol (running from down the stairs): what’s going on/

(She turns the lights on while Mike is about to raise the bat and strike Alice.)

Alice: It’s me, Alice. Alice, your housekeeper.

(The next morning, Alice is in the kitchen when Mike comes in.)

Mike: Good morning, Alice. Listen, I’m sorry about last night. The boys tried to booby trap the house against robbers. They thought that would keep them out.

Alice: Or knock them out.

Mike: Well, they promised not to do it again.

Alice: Okay, Mr. Brady, but just to be on the safe side, when I go to my room, I’ll stay in my room.

Jan (coming in the kitchen): Hi.

Mike: Hi.

Jan: Did anyone call about Tiger?

Mike: No, not yet, sweetie.

Alice: But it’s early.

Jan: Well, someone should have seen our ad by now.

Mike: Most people don’t look at the lost pet ads right away.

Jan: Well, I would if I fond a dog. The first thing I would do to be to…

(The doorbell rings and a dog barks outside of it)

Bobby (yelling): It’s Tiger! It’s Tiger!

(Bobby runs down the stairs and Jan joins him to the door. It turns to be a different dog.)

(The phone rings and Jan answers)

Jan: Hello. (Pause) Yes, we’re running an ad about a lost dog. (Her excited look turns into a frown) No, our dog has a tail.

(A lady comes to the door with another dog. Mike sadly shakes his head no, that it’s not Tiger)

(The phone rings and Carol answers)

Carol: Hello. Yes, we lost a dog. Yes. he’s shaggy. Yes, he’s tan. Yes, he does have a white muscle. What? No, our dog is a boy.

(That evening, Bobby is in his room glumly looking at a picture of Tiger. Carol comes in.)

Carol: Bobby, didn’t you want any supper tonight?

Bobby: I wasn’t hungry.

Carol: Sweetheart, I know how you feel, but not eating isn’t going to bring Tiger back.

Bobby: There wasn’t any room in my stomach, it’s got a great big lump in it.

(The next day, Greg gets a call from his friend Steve)

Greg (answering the phone): Hello. Oh, hi Steve. (excited) You what? Saw Tiger? Where?  Hold on. (He puts the phone down for a moment) hey everyone, Steve saw Tiger, Steve saw Tiger! (He gets back on the phone while Jan and Peter come) You sure it was Tiger, Steve? What did he do after you called him? Uh-huh. uh-huh. And then what? Where did he go? Thanks, thanks a lot, Steve.

(He hangs the phone up as Carol and Mike come)

Carol: What happened?

Mike: Where did he go? What did he say?

Greg: That was Steve Miller. He saw Tiger over by Plummer and Verdun.

Peter: Oh, boy! Steve knows Tiger!

Greg: Sure, he’s seen him lots of times. And the he called him and Tiger stopped, and then when Steve went near him, he ran away.

Carol: Aww.

Mike: No, No, No,. that’s okay. Listen, I’ll take the kids on their bicycles with me in the station wagon, and we’ll scout the area and see if we can find him, okay?

Carol: Good idea. Come on, come on.

(They all scatter to go out and hunt for Tiger, while carol and Alice stay behind with a map. Mike is on a payphone to Carol and Alice)

Mike: Bobby and I dropped off Marcia and the boys about 10 minutes ago, and we’ve been driving around, and no sign of Tiger.

Carol: Yeah, well, Greg said he just saw Tiger over on Talmadge Place. He yelled and Tiger stopped, and he looked around, but then he just took off again.

Mike: Okay, okay, we’ll keep in touch.

(He hangs up. Next, Carol got a call from Peter)

Alice: What did Peter say?

Carol: He just saw Mike and Bobby on Mason Road, but no sign of Tiger.

Alice: I think we’d be better off if Tiger was out looking for them.

Marcia (calling from a payphone): I saw him. he was heading toward Maple Avenue.

Carol: Hold on. (to Alice) He’s heading toward Maple Avenue.

Alice: Hey, Maple Park’s two blocks form there. Where there’s a park, there’s trees, and where there are trees, you’ll find dogs.

Carol: Listen Marcia, get right over to Maple Park. Yeah, it’s two blocks to your…

Alice: Left.

Carol: Left.

(Next, Alice is on the phone with Greg)

Alice: Hold on. (to Carol) Uh, he’s heading south on the 400 block on Hillside.

Carol: Oh, Peter will be able to cut him off on Seventh Street.

Alice: Hey Greg, head over to Seventh and Hillside and help Peter. (She looks at the map) Now, Marcia’s got Compton Avenue covered.

Carol: Yeah, and Mike and Bobby have got Kingsley and Bell.

Alice: Suppose the FBI has any old cases they’d like to throw our way.

(Mike is on another payphone to Carol)

Mike: Peter found him? Where? Good, we’re on our way.

(Next, Tiger and Peter are at the home of a lady named Mrs. Simpson)

Peter: Oh, Tiger. I missed you.

Mrs. Simpson: I’m sure he missed you too.

(Mike and Bobby pull up. Bobby unbuckles his seat belt and runs right up to Tiger)

Bobby: Tiger, come on, yeah, I missed you so much. Where were you, Tiger?

Mrs. Simpson: Oh, is he glad to see you, look at that dog. (Mike goes up to her) Hello there.

Mike: Mrs. Simpson?

Mrs. Simpson: Yes.

Mike (shaking her hand): I’m Mike brady.

Mrs. Simpson: How do you do?

Mike: We live way away from here, I can’t imagine why Tiger would go so far from home.

Mrs. Simpson: I think you’ll understand in a minute. Follow me.

(She leads Mike and Peter to her dog while Bobby is still playing with Tiger. Mrs. Simpson shows Mike and Peter her dog and some puppies)

Mrs. Simpson: Now, that’s a pretty good reason, don’t you think, Mr. Brady?

Peter: Aren’t they neat?

Mrs. Simpson: Look at the brown one.

Mike (to Mrs. Simpson): You mean Tiger is…

Mrs. Simpson: I don’t know if this makes us related or not.

(Mike whacks himself on the head)

Mike (calling): Bobby!

Peter: Dad, does this make you a grandfather?

Mike: I guess it does.

Mrs. Simpson: Every time I tried a get a look at Tiger’s name tag, he’d run away. He’s been here before.

Mike: Obviously.

Bobby (coming over with Tiger): What is it, Dad?

Mike (pointing to the puppies): Look here.

Bobby (excited): You mean the puppies are Tiger’s?

Mike: Yep.

Bobby (shaking tiger’s paw): Congratulations, Tiger.

(The scene fades out)

(The final scene has Bobby outside playing with Tiger again)

Bobby: Come on, Tiger, Tiger. Attaboy, Tiger, Tiger. Come on.

Alice (coming outside): Bobby, it’s time to feed Tiger.

Bobby: Okay. Now, Tiger, you stay here, and this time, I mean it. YOU STAY HERE. I’ll be right back.

(Bobby goes inside while Tiger sits on top of his doghouse)

Alice: Sure is nice to have the old Bobby Brady back.

Bobby: Sure is nice to have old Tiger back, too. And it’s a good thing you bought more dog food like I asked.

(Bobby overfills Tiger’s dog dish severely)

Alice: Hey, hey, don’t give it all to him in one meal, Tiger will burst.

Bobby: It isn’t all for Tiger, Alice. He’s a father dog now. He’s got a wife and kids to feed over at Mrs. Simpson’s.

(Bobby takes the box of dog food and Tiger’s dish outside with him)

                                                    THE END

 

untitled tiger

 

S1 E17 The Undergraduate

untitled lovesick greg

The Undergraduate

Written by David B. Harmon

Greg has a crush on a girl named Linda. However, she’s not the Linda to whom Mike and Carol think it is. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS
MIKE BRADY
CAROL BRADY
ALICE NELSON
GREG BRADY
MARCIA BRADY
PETER BRADY
JAN BRADY
BOBBY BRADY
CINDY BRADY

LINDA, Marcia’s new friend

MISS LINDA O’HARA, Greg’s math teacher

WES PARKER, First baseman Dogger and Miss O’Hara’s boyfriend/fiancée

(The episode begins in the boys’ room, where Greg is laying on his bed meditating. Carol walks by but then returns, and looks in on him.)

Carol: Greg? Greg, do you feel all right?

Greg: Oh, hi, Mom.

Carol: Are you okay?

Greg: Sure.

Carol: Well then, how come you didn’t go to the movies with the boys?

Greg: I, I just didn’t feel like it.

Carol: You wait right there.

(She goes into the bathroom to get the thermometer)

Greg (afraid): I feel fine, honest. I was just (Pause) thinking.

Carol: Open up. (Greg opens his mouth and she pus the thermometer under his tongue) Do you hurt anyplace?

Greg: I told you…

Carol: Shh. Don’t talk with the thermometer in your mouth.

(Alice comes in with some shirts)

Alice: What’s wrong with him?

Carol: He says nothing.

Greg: I feel fine, Mom.

Carol: Shh.

Alice: How come he didn’t go to the movies?

Carol: He says he didn’t feel like it.

Alice: Oh, say, Greg, did you want your mother and me to wash and iron everything in the laundry chute?

(Carol removes the thermometer form his mouth)

Greg: Uh, huh.

Carol: He’s normal.

Alice: Well, if he’s normal, how come he wants us to wash and iron his transistor radio?

(She hands it to him and the scene fades out.)

(In the next scene, Mike is in his den when Greg comes in with a test paper. He knocks on the door)

Mike: Come in.

Greg: Are you busy Dad?

Mike: To be honest, I’ve been looking for an excuse to take some time off.

Greg: This won’t take long.

Mike: That’s too bad. What’s the problem.

Greg: Well, no problem, really. Just something you have to sign for school.

Mike: Oh, well, let’s have it.

(Mike goes to sign Greg’s test but Greg has his hand over it)

Mike (sighing): I don’t like to be nosy but is it okay to see what I’m signing?

(Mike takes the paper and notices Greg got an F (48%) on his math test)

Mike: Don’t you think we oughtta discuss this a little bit?

Greg: Sure.

Mike: Well.

Greg: I flunked the test.

Mike: Oh, you did. Well, I figured that out when I saw the F.

Greg: If you flunk a test, you have a have a parent sign it and bring it back to school.

Mike: Greg, the discussion is not main, rank and serial number.

Greg: No, sir.

(Mike gets up and paces a little before he lectures Greg)

Mike: You always been an A student in Math, how come that F?

Greg: I got the answers wrong.

Mike: I figured that out too. (He points his finger) You better buckle down, young man.

Greg: Yes, sir.

Mike (going to sit down): You having trouble in any other subjects?

Greg: No, sir.

Mike (taking another breath): Okay, I’m not gonna make a big deal out of this one test but, Greg hit the books. Your grades will come up.

Greg: Okay.

(Mike signs his name and hands Greg the test.)

Greg: Thanks, Dad.

Mike: Good-bye Greg.

(He slaps Greg’s behind as Greg walks out of the den)

(Next, Marcia is in her room knitting her skirt and Greg goes in to talk to her)

Greg: Hi, Marcia.

Marcia: Hi.

Greg: Are you busy?

Marcia: I got my heel caught and ripped this darn hem.

Greg: Where’s Jan and Cindy?

Marcia: Down with Mom.

(Greg comes in and closes the door. He sits down)

Greg: Marcia, you’re a girl, right?

Marcia: Do you feel all right?

Greg: Boy, if one more person takes my temperature.

Marcia: Mom, huh. (Greg nods) Well, whatever you got, don’t give it to me.

Greg (defensive): I haven’t got anything, honest.

Marcia: Do you mind if I keep hemming? I wanna wear it to school tomorrow.

Greg (getting up): Marcia, you know how girls feel about things, right?

Marcia: What things?

Greg: Like, uh, older men.

Marcia: What about older men?

Greg: What do they look for?

Marcia: Lots of things.

Greg (looking in the mirror): Like what?

Marcia: Well, like, men should be rugged like Steve McQueen. The way he stands like he’s always ready for something. (Greg tries to make himself look rugged) And try to dress groovy like Gene Barry. (Greg tucks his shirt in) It’s great if he’s romantic like Paul Newman. (Greg tries to mimic Newman) But he should be sort of innocent, like Dustin Hoffman. (Greg mimics him to look innocent) But at the same time, he should be a man of the world, like Dean Martin. (Greg tries to make himself look more sophisticated).

Greg: All at the same time.

Marcia: Sure, but there’s one thing that’s more important than anything else nowadays.

Greg: What’s that?

Marcia: What’s in. What’s really in a mustache.

(Marcia starts to gleam about men with facial hair while Greg checks his lip)

(Later that night, Greg and Peter are in the bathroom with Peter checking if Greg has any sign of a mustache)

Greg: Are you sure?

Peter: Not a hair.

Greg: Get closer.

Peter: If I get any closer, we’ll both be wearing the same pajamas.

Greg: Come over here, the light is better. (They move over) Now look.

Peter: Still nothing.

Greg (touching his lip): Well, how come I can feel it.

Peter (feeling his lip): All I can feel is skin.

(Greg looks in the mirror)

Greg: Well, I guess you’re… Hey, what’s that? (He points to hi slip)

Peter: It’s part of a chocolate bar.

Greg: Yeah, that’s what it is.

Peter: Besides, nobody on the freshmen baseball team can wear long hair and a mustache, and you wanna try out for the team.

Greg: I forgot about that.

(Bobby comes in the bathroom)

Bobby: What are you guys doing?

Greg: We’re looking for something.

Bobby: For what?

Peter: A mustache.

Bobby: Well, don’t look at me, I didn’t take it.

(In the next scene, Carol comes down the stairs while Mike is in the living room, reading the paper)

Mike: Did you take Greg’s temperature again?

Carol: Yeah, he’s normal.

Mike: Honey, the answer is obvious. He flunked that math test and he’s upset.

Carol (sighing): I hope you’re right. But there’s a lot of that Asian flu going around.

Mike: Mmm hmm. And a lot of jungle fever too but not in the neighborhood.

Carol: Are you trying to tell me that I’m being an overprotective mother.

Mike (laughing): Madam, you are president of the club.

(Carol laughs and he kisses her. Alice comes out with a love letter she found)

Alice: Are you two busy?

Mike: No, just reading the paper.

Carol: Anything wrong, Alice?

Alice: No, no. But I’d like you to listen to something.

Mike: Go ahead.

Alice (reading): Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day. How art more lovely and more temperate. Oh, my love is like a red, red rose that’s merely sprung in June. Oh, my love is like a melody that’s sweetly played in tune. There’s more.

Mike: No offense, Alice, but your boyfriend, Sam the butcher is stealing from William Shakespeare and Robert Burns to boot.

Carol: Oh, Mike. Don’t pay any attention to him, Alice. (to Mike) Listen, Sam’s a very romantic fellow.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, Sam’s idea of romance is two pounds of liver. Hard shaped.

Mike: That would make a nice Valentine’s gift.

Alice: Well, I wouldn’t have read this at all but it fell out of Greg’s book and when I picked it up…

Carol: Greg?

Mike: What’s that got to do with Greg?

Alice: Well, it starts my true love Linda and it ends yours eternally, Greg.

Mike: That’s why he’s flunking math, puppy love.

Carol: And I’ve been taking his temperature.

(That evening, Mike and Carol are in their room discussing Greg’s newfound crush and how to handle it)

Carol: Mike, a boy’s first romance can be very very traumatic.

Mike: Honey, I know it can. I got over mine. I’m sure he’ll get over his.

Carol: Yeah, but did you flunk math?

Mike: Nah, she was in my history class. She had blond hair, blue eyes and she wore braces. (He thinks back) She always had a head cold.

Carol: I can’t say much for your taste I women.

Mike: It improved as I grew older.

Carol: Mike, Greg’s miserable. We gotta find a way to help him.

Mike: Honey, men raising girls. Boys shrug these things off more easily.

(He turns the light off)

Carol: Mike.

Mike: Go to sleep.

Carol; I’ll try.

(She turns the light off and gets under the covers)

Mike (with his eyes closed): Besides, it would be stupid for both of us to be up all night.

Carol: Good night, dear.

(She kisses him and goes to sleep)

Mike: Good night, honey.

(The next day, Carol goes into the kitchen with Greg’s yearbook. Alice is baking a cake)

Carol (looking at the yearbook): Incredible.

Alice: Oh, it’s not that great. (She takes a taste of the cake) On second thought it is incredible.

Carol: I’m talking about Greg’s school annual.

Alice: What’s so fantastic?

Carol: There’s not a Linda in it.

Alice: Impossible. Every school has a Linda.

Carol (reading all the girls’ names): Stephanie, Joy, Nicole, Lisa, Tiffany, Gigi, Robin, Darlene.

Alice: No Mary? (Carol shakes her head no) Talk about a generation gap.

(Next, Bobby is home from school while Carol is stirring the icing to put on the cake. Bobby goes to the cookie jar)

Carol: Hi Mom, here’s a kiss for you.

Bobby: Hi Mom, here’s a kiss for you. (Bobby kisses her) What are you making, fudge or cake?

Carol: Cake.

Bobby: Can I lick the bowl?

Carol: Sure. (He takes a taste of it) Where’s Greg? Wasn’t he supposed to walk you home after school?

Bobby: Uh, huh. But he had to stay after school because of his math.

Carol: Math, what is it about math this year?

(We cut to Greg’s classroom, where he is sitting at his desk, staring at his attractive teacher, Miss O’Hara.)

Ms. O’Hara: Let me see how you’re doing.

(She walks over to him and checks over his assignment. he is still staring at her)

Ms. O’Hara (pointing at his paper):  Here, Greg, right here. That should be base 10.

Greg: Base 10.

Ms. O’Hara: You made the same mistake here.

Greg: I did? (coming down to Earth) Oh, I did.

Ms. O’Hara: Tell me Greg, what’s giving you the most trouble?

Greg: Math.

Ms. O’Hara: I mean in math.

Greg: It’s hard to say.

Ms. O’Hara: If you have no more questions, you can go.

Greg: Yes ma’am. (He gets up to leave, then changes his mind) Maybe we should go over it one more time.

Ms. O’Hara: Do you think it’ll help?

Greg: Yes ma’am. I really think so.

(He sits back down and Miss O’Hara leans over to help him)

Ms. O’Hara: All right, now, using Base 10, you divide this number into this one, getting this answer.

(The scene fades and the next scene has Carol, Mike and Alice sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee, while pondering over how they should help Greg.)

Mike: Three adults ought to solve this in no time.

Alice: Then how come we’ve been sitting here for an hour?

Carol: Well we know that Greg’s problem is he is in love with a girl named Linda.

Mike: Question is, what’s the best way to handle it?

Alice: How about (Pause) Some more coffee.

Mike: Alice, that’s no suggestion, that’s an evasion.

Alice: Yeah, that’s what it is, all right.

Mike: Well listen, I think the best approach is positive action, man to man talk.

Alice: I think you’re right, Mr. Brady.

Carol: Be subtle, dear.

Mike: Naturally.

(He gets up to go upstairs)

Carol: Be tactful, dear.

Mike: Yes, naturally.

Carol: Be back dear. (Mike laughs) We’ll be waiting.

(Cut over to Greg’s room where Mike is to have their talk. Greg is laying on his bed. Mike picks up something and puts it on Peter’s bed.)

Mike: Hi, Greg.

Greg: Hi, dad.

Mike: Are your brothers around, huh?

Greg: No, they’re watching tv.

Mike: Are you busy?

Greg: No sir.

(Mike sits down on Greg’s bed)

Mike: Greg, the reason I came up here is (Pause) Well, what I mean is (Pause) You feeling okay, do you?

Greg: Thermometer’s on the sink.

Mike: No, no, no, I’m not gonna take your temperature.

Greg: Well, that’s a relief.

Mike (getting up): Let’s face it. You have a problem, right?

Greg (nodding): In math, I’m working on it. You always taught us to be self-reliant and to try and solve our problems on our own.

Mike: Well, some problems, but, now look, there are some problems that can best be solved by talking it over with someone.

Greg: Like what?

Mike: Well, like girls for instance.

Greg: Now that you brought it up.

Mike: Yeah, yeah.

Greg: How can I get Jan to stop hogging the phone and Marcia to stop hogging the bathroom?

Mike: Those aren’t girls, those are your sisters.

Greg: Well, they sure act like girls.

Mike: Well, uh, I’m referring to, uh, uh, other girls. Girls.

Greg: What other girls?

Mike: Well, other girls. You’re a teenager now, you know.

Greg: Yes, sir.

Mike: And there are certain things that a teenager should know about.

Greg: Dad.

Mike: Yeah.

Greg: We already had that talk, remember.

Mike: What talk?

Greg: That talk.

Mike: Oh, oh, that talk. (Greg gets up and starts to leave) Where are you going?

Greg: To get Peter. I think you oughtta tell him.

Mike: No, I think he already knows.

Greg: Bobby?

Mike: Let’s not rush things.

(Greg closes the door and returns)

Greg: Was there anything else?

Mike: No, I guess not.

(He goes to leave)

Greg: Good night.

(Mike goes back downstairs with Carol and Alice)

Carol: Strike out?

Mike: I’m not even sure I got to bat.

Alice (to Carol): If man to man didn’t work, why don’t you try woman to man.

Carol: Every time I go near him, he opens his mouth to have his temperature taken.

Mike: Oh, he just doesn’t want to talk about it.

Carol: I wish we knew more about this Linda. I mean, if she likes Greg, and she knows that Greg likes her, maybe we can help. I wonder if he confided in any of the other kids about Linda.

Mike: Say, maybe he has.

(Alice seems to get an idea)

Carol: No, that would be asking hem to break a confidence.

Mike: Yeah, and to worm it out of them would be too sneaky.

Carol: Much too sneaky.

(Alice goes into Cindy’s room, where she is giving her doll a bottle)

Alice: Hi Cindy, what you doing?

Cindy: Feeding Kitty-Karry All.

Alice: Oh, Kitty-Karry All. You ever thought about changing her name?

Cindy: Nope.

Alice: Movie stars do it al the time.

Cindy: Maybe they haven’t got a pretty name like Kitty-Karry All.

Alice: Frankly to me she looks like a Linda.

Cindy: Well to me, she looks like a Kitty-Karry All.

(Alice looks around and finds some other stuffed animals in the room. She picks out a stuffed elephant)

Alice: Have you got a name for this one?

Cindy: Emily.

Alice (picking out a stuffed tiger): Now, this one looks like a Linda.

Cindy (laughing): It’s a boy.

Alice: Aren’t any of these named Linda?

Cindy: Nope.

Alice: How about girls, do you know any girls named Linda?

Cindy: Nope. Why?

Alice: Well, it’s such a pretty name. It ought to belong to a pretty girl.

Cindy: Time for your nap, Kitty, give Linda a kiss good night.

Alice: Thanks a lot, but a compliment wasn’t exactly what I was fishing for.

(Alice goes out in the backyard and sees Peter putting a race car together)

Alice: Oh, say, that car is really beautiful. What are you going to name her?

Peter: What do you mean?

Alice: Racing drivers always name their cars after a girl.

Peter: They do.

Alice: Always.

Peter: I’ll think of one.

Alice: Maybe I can help you.

Peter: Nah, you’ll want me to call it Cindy, Jan or Marcia.

Alice: No, I wouldn’t.

Peter: Yes you would.

Alice: I think a good name would be Linda.

Peter: Linda?

Alice: Right.

Peter: That be dumb.

Alice: Why?

Peter: Because I don’t know anybody named Linda?

Alice: You’re sure.

Peter: Positive.

Alice: Well in that case, how about Jan, Cindy or Marcia.

Peter: I knew it! Boy, I just knew it!

(Next, Alice is on the swings with Jan)

Jan: What did you say?

Alice: I said what do you think about the name Linda?

Jan: Why?

Alice: Oh, because.

Jan: Because why?

Alice: Jan, will you stop answering my questions with your questions?

Jan: Okay.

Alice: Now, what do you think about Linda for a girl’s name?

Jan: Mom’s gonna have a baby.

(Jan gets excited and runs off to announce Carol’s pregnancy, while Alice yells to her to come back so she can straighten out the matter.)

(Alice goes inside and sees Carol in the kitchen)

Alice: You’re right, being sneaky never pays.

Carol: I know. I just spent five minutes trying to convince Jan that I’m not having a baby.

Marcia (calling): Mom, we’re home.

Carol: I wonder who “we’re” is. (She comes out to the living room and sees Marcia with some friends) Hi.

Marcia: Hi. We got a school project we’re working on.

Carol: Oh, fine.

Marcia: You know Randi and Hope.

Carol: Hi.

Marcia: And this is Linda.

(Carol gets a surprised look on her face)

Linda: Hi, Mrs. Brady.

Carol (overly pleasant): Hi, Linda.

Marcia: She hasn’t lived here very long.

Carol: You just moved here?

Linda: A few months ago, from Seattle.

Carol: Oh, I have a lot of friends in Seattle. Marcia, why don’t you take the girls on upstairs and me and Linda can have a chat and get better acquainted.

(Marcia and her two other friends go upstairs while Carol and Linda sit down to talk)

Carol: Well, do you like it here?

Linda: Okay, I guess. You know, leaving all my old friends. that’s kinda hard.

Carol: Well, I’m sure you made a lot of new friends here.

Linda: Yeah, I guess so.

Carol: Pretty girl like you, you must have a lot of boyfriends.

Linda: Here, or in Seattle?

Carol: Here.

Linda: Well, there’s one boy I like. The only problem is, he doesn’t know I like him.

Carol: Oh, I’m sure he does. Positive.

Linda: Well, he’s kind of shy, so I can’t tell him how I feel.

Carol: Oh, well, I think you should, right away.

Linda: You really think I should.

Carol: Definitely. it would be the best thing in the world for all of us. I mean, for both of you.

(Greg comes home)

Greg: Hi, Mom. I’m home.

Carol: Oh, Greg. Guess who’s here.

Greg: Who?

Carol: Linda!

Greg: Hi, nice to meet you.

Linda: Hi, I’m a friend of Marcia’s.

Greg: Oh. (to Carol) When’s dinner?

Carol: What?

Greg: When’s dinner?

Carol: The usual time.

Greg: See ya.

Marcia (calling from upstairs): Hey Mom, send up Linda!

Carol: Sure. (to Linda): Dear, it’s right upstairs, end of the hall.

Linda: Nice I met you.

Carol (looking disappointed): Bye.

(Mike comes home and finds a letter on the table by the door)

Mike (to Carol): Oh, hi.

Carol: Mike, you’ll never guess what happened. I got the wrong Linda.

Mike (reading the letter): You’ll never guess what happened. I got the right Linda.

Carol: What do you mean?

Mike: This letter is from Greg’s math teacher. She wants to see me tomorrow at 4.

Carol: What’s that got to do with Linda?

Mike: Look at the signature.

Carol: The signature.

Mike: It’s from Miss O’Hara, Miss Linda O’Hara.

Carol: Oh, no.

(The next day, Miss O’Hara is in the classroom, writing on the blackboard. Mike knocks on the door.)

Ms. O’Hara: Come in. (Mike walks in) Mr. Brady?

Mike: Yeah, that’s right.

Ms. O’Hara: I’m Linda O’Hara.

Mike (shaking her hand): How do you do? Well, I halfway expected to see Greg chained to one of your desks here.

Ms. O’Hara: I sent him on an errand to the principal’s office, so we can be alone a few minutes.

Mike: Good. I appreciate that.

Ms. O’Hara: Won’t you sit down.

Mike: Uh, yeah.

(He sits and she sits in her seat)

Ms. O’Hara: I’ve been going over Greg’s records. He’s always been a straight A student in math.

Mike: Well until lately, he has.

Ms. O’Hara: Please don’t think I’m prying, but, is there a problem at home?

Mike: No, that’s not where the problem is.

Ms. O’Hara: Something’s wrong. I’m just not getting through to him.

Mike: Oh, you’re getting through to him, all right.

Ms. O’Hara: A big problem a teacher faces is getting a student involved.

Mike: Ms. O’Hara, Believe me when I tell you, he is involved.

Ms. O’Hara: Maybe it’s a personality clash. Sometimes a teacher and a student just don’t hit it off.

Mike: No, you hit it off. Honest, that’s not where the problem is.

Ms. O’Hara: My boyfriend works a lot with boys, teaching them baseball. Maybe I should discuss it with him.

Mike: Baseball? Is that your fiancée parked in the car outside the school?

Ms. O’Hara: Yes, he’s waiting for me.

Mike: Miss O’Hara, I got an idea. I’ll be right back. Don’t go away.

(Mike leaves and Greg returns)

Greg: Miss O’Hara, was that my Dad I just saw running down the hall?

Ms. O’Hara: He’ll be right back.

Greg: Was he mad or anything?

Ms. O’Hara: No, he was very understanding.

Greg: Lots of parents ask dumb questions.

Ms. O’Hara: Relax, yours didn’t.

(Mike returns with Wes Parker)

Mike: Hi, Greg.

Greg: Hi, Dad.

Wes Parker (to Miss O’Hara): Honey, Mr. Brady asked me to come in.

Mike: Greg, this is Miss O’Hara’s fiancée, Wes Parker.

(Greg can’t stop staring at the Dogger)

Wes Parker: Hi, Greg.

(He and Greg shake hands)

Greg: Wow, a real live Dogger.

Mike: First baseman in person. Golden glove too.

Ms. O’Hara (to Greg): Would you like an autograph?

(Greg is too overcome with ecstasy to answer)

Wes Parker: Do you spell that with one G or two.

(Greg is still too star struck to answer)

Mike: One.

(Wes signs the autograph and gives it to Greg)

Wes Parker: Now, I’ll make a deal with you. If you get an A in Math, you can trade that in for two tickets to the season’s opener.

Greg (excited): Two tickets to the opener?

Wes Parker: Right.

Greg: I’ll get an A, yes sir.

Wes Parker: At a boy.

Mike: Come on, let’s go son.

Greg: Right, Dad. (He shakes his hand) Bye, Mr. Parker.

Wes Parker: Call me Wes.

Greg: Bye, Wes.

Mike: Bye. (He and Greg leave but Mike stops) I’ll be right with you. (He goes up to Ms. O’Hara one last time) Miss O’Hara, I’d like to pay you a compliment. You know, if I had a teacher who looked like you, I’d gotten an F too.

(They all laugh. Mike shakes hands with Wes and leaves. The scene fades out.)

(The final scene has Greg in his room, laying on his bed and thinking)

Carol (calling): Greg, dinner’s ready. Greg. (He comes in his room) Greg, are you all right?

Greg: I feel fine.

Carol: Let me feel your forehead.

Greg: I got this substitute teacher in biology. She’s got red hair and blue eyes. Wow.

Carol: Mike. Mike. (She runs out) Mike!

                                 THE END

untitled linda

S1 E16 Mike’s Horror Scope

images beebe

Mike’s Horror Scope

Written by Ruth Brooks Flippen

Mike reads in his horoscope that a strange woman will enter his life. Coincidentally, an eccentric bombshell hired him to design her a new factory and causes all kinds of problems. Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

BEEBE GALLINI

DUANE CARTWRIGHT

(The episode begins with Mike and carol in their room. Mike just opened the window a little bit, then crawls into bed. He then  gets under the covers and sees Carol looking at the newspaper.)

Mike: What are you looking for?

Carol: The astrology forecast.

Mike: Astrology.

Carol: Well, Martha swears by it. She calls me up every morning to see if I’m following what it says.

Mike: I’ve got a news flash for you. Your friend Martha’s a fruitcake.

Carol (laughing): Agreed. Ah, here it is, my chart for tomorrow.

Mike: What does it say?

Carol: Beware of purchases tomorrow, don’t buy anything at all.

Mike: Hey, now that’s the kind of astrology that makes sense. Let me look at it.

Carol: Oh, I know I shouldn’t have read it out that loud. I need new shoes.

(Carol hands the paper to Mike. He clears his throat and then he laughs)

Carol: What’s so funny?

Mike: You think your horoscope was funny, get a load of mine. (He reads it to her) A strange woman will soon enter your life.

Carol (disbelieving): Oh, where does it say that? Where?

Mike: Right here. (He shows her) How about that?

Carol: Yeah, how about that?

Mike: I can hardly wait until tomorrow. Good night, honey.

(He turns off the light and she goes to give him a kiss. However, he lays down and Carol feels rejected)

(The next morning, Carol is in the kitchen putting icing on a cake. Alice comes in)

Alice: Oh, wow, that is not just a cake, Mrs. Brady, that is a thing of beauty. A joy to behold.

Carol: Mmm, thanks Alice. Wait till you taste it tonight.

Alice: No thanks. Not at those prices.

Carol: What prices?

Alice: I’ll bet every bite cost a thousand calories, and I know just where they’ll go. (She slaps both her hips) Here and here. Alice is a member of the hip generation. And speaking of hips, get a load of Greg’s blue jeans. (She shows Carol a huge tear in Greg’s jeans) See through jeans.

Carol: Don’t tell Greg that, you’ll start a new fad in junior high. I think I’ll take the kids shopping for new clothes tomorrow.

Alice: You better make that today, Mrs. Brady. Tomorrow the boys are going on that all day fishing trip with Mr. Brady and you’re taking the girls horseback riding.

Carol: Right. Well I suppose I could take them after school today, but don’t tell my friend Martha Sheldon.

Alice: Martha Sheldon?

Carol: Well, you know how hooked she is on astrology, and she insists that I follow my forecast. And my chart said don’t buy anything today.

Alice: Isn’t that silly? A grown woman believing in that astrology nonsense?

Carol: Alice, what did your horoscope say?

Alice: Oh, mine said today it was great for social activities. (Carol looks at her funny) Mrs. Brady, that’s dirty pool. I’m gonna go round up some bottomless britches and things.

(The phone rings)

Carol: Hello. Mike, hi, honey.

Mike: 2:00 and all is well. No strange woman has come into my life yet.

Carol (laughing): Well if they do, will you inform me immediately?

Mike: Oh, I will, I promise. the minute one walks in, you will be the first to know.

(Beebe Gallini, a cosmetics magnate, comes in the office)

Beebe: Mr. Brady?

Carol (from the other phone): Mike?

Mike (to Beebe): Yes, that’s me. I’m Mike Brady.

Carol: What’s that dear? did you say something? Hello?

Beebe: Please, darling, finish your call.

Mike: Honey, I’ll call you back. A client just walked in.

Carol: All right dear, but…

(Mike hangs up from the other line. Beebe motions to Duane, her assistant, to come in with her cosmetics. she sticks out her hand and Mike shakes it. Although she may have expected him to kiss it)

Beebe: Please to sit down. I’d introduce myself but everyone knows who Beebe Gallini is. Even people come up to me on the street and say “it’s Beebe”, and I always say to them, “hello, my darling”. This is Duane, my secretary. (Mike gets up to shake his hand but the suitcases in Duane’s hands make it difficult.) Not necessary, please sit down. (Mike sits back down) Darling, you are going to design my new factory, and it will…

Mike: Factory?

Beebe: Please, no interrupt, it’s not nice. I just finished arrangements with the president of your company to build a beautiful new factory for the Beebe Gallini Cosmetics Company.

Mike: You want me to design your factory?

Beebe: Please wait, no interrupt. You’re just like my second husband, or was it my third?

Duane: Your fourth.

Beebe: I knew it was one of them.

Mike: Miss Gallini.

Beebe: Beebe. Everybody calls me Beebe. People who never even heard of me call me Beebe.

Mike: Beebe, I’m very flattered.

Beebe: No false modesty. I do not believe in false modesty. I am beautiful, so I say I’m beautiful. You are talented, no?

Mike: Well, um, uh, uh, yes.

Beebe: Good. That is what the people tell me. That is why you must design my new factory, and I give you complete freedom. Design, design, design. Anything you want.

Mike: Anything?

Beebe: Yes, there’s only one thing that I ask, that it should be pink.

Mike (writing down): Pink factory.

Beebe: Beebe pink. That is what I call my cosmetics, because I am pink. (She leans over to him) You see the pink?

Mike (looking up and smiling): Yes.

Beebe: Let your imagination run wild. Create whatever you wish.

Mike: But make it pink.

Beebe: Yes. (She turns to Duane) My phone number, my personal private phone number. Give it to him.

(Duane gives Mike her number)

Mike: Oh, Thank you.

(Beebe gets up to leave)

Beebe: I will see you soon, no?

Mike: Uh, no. Yes.

(Beebe puts her hand out and Mike gets up and kisses it this time.)

Beebe (to Duane): Hurry, darling. We cannot keep the jeweler waiting. I promised him faithfully I’d be there yesterday.

(She and Duane leave Mike’s office)

(That evening, Mike and Carol are washing dishes)

Carol: Thanks for helping me tonight, dear.

Mike: No, it’s my pleasure, sweetheart.

Carol: You know, when Alice asked me if she can leave early so she can go to the movies with her boyfriend Sam, how can I refuse?

Mike: Hmm. (Pause) Well, you have a soft heart. (He kisses her) Lips to match.

Carol: My goodness, aren’t we affectionate tonight.

Mike: Not just tonight, every night. (He mimics Beebe’s Italian accent) Cause I love you, darling. Sweetheart.

Carol: I love you too, darling. What’s up?

Mike: What what’s up?

Carol: Well, since you got home you seemed (Pause) preoccupied.

Mike: Preoccupied? Oh, don’t be silly, honey. It’s just, well, preoccupation.

Carol: Preoccupation.

Mike: Yeah. I got this new client today and I have to design a new factory. And it’s sort of a special factory and it just takes a lot of thought.

Carol: What kind of special factory?

Mike: Well, the client is very eccentric and, uh…

Carol: Eccentric?

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: Would you say strange?

Mike: Yeah, you can sure say strange all right.

Carol: Could you say strange woman.

Mike: Yeah, yeah, she’s a (Pause) woman.

Carol: Aha, then a strange woman did enter your life today.

Mike: Oh, that astrology nonsense.

Carol: Yeah, that astrology nonsense. Yeah, that’s stupid and silly and foolish. And what kind of strange woman.

Mike: Oh, honey, when a client comes into my office with an offer to design a factory that’s worth a whole lot of money, it doesn’t make any difference whether it’s a man or a woman, even if it is Beebe Gallini.

Carol: Beebe Gallini? is that the strange woman who came into your life?

Mike: She didn’t come into my life, she came into my office, that’s all.

Carol: That’s enough. They say no man can resist her.

Mike: Well, I can resist her.

Carol: Are you sure?

Mike (cheerful): I am absolutely positive.

(He bends down and gives her a big kiss)

Carol: Oh, Mike, oh.

(A dish Carol is holding breaks. They both laugh it off)

(The next morning, Alice is picking a lunch for Mike and the boys to take on their fishing trip)

Alice: I think that’s plenty of food, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Um, I don’t know, Alice. Four fishermen get mighty hungry you know.

Carol: That’s right. A couple of hours out in that water makes them awful hungry.

Alice: Makes me awful seasick.

Carol: Isn’t it funny how some people get seasick and some don’t?

Alice: I think I’m allergic to waves. Even when I take a bath, I have to be careful not to move around too much. I’ll go round the boys up.

(She goes to get the boys and the phone rings)

Carol: I’ll get it. (She answers the phone) Hello. Yes, this is the Brady residence. Hold on one moment, please. I’ll get him. (to Mike) It’s someone who calls me darling and wants to speak to you.

Mike (getting on the phone): Hello, Miss Gallini. Beebe. This afternoon? But, yeah but, I was going to go fishing today and… Yes, I know you have a contract with my firm but… I promised my boys that I was… All right. yeah, uh, I’ll be there. Bye.

(He hangs the phone up)

Carol: You’ll be where?

Mike (bitterly): Oh, Beebe wants to see me again. She’s got some new ideas for her factory.

Carol: But it’s Saturday, and those boys have been looking forward to that fishing trip.

Mike: Yeah, I know. Maybe Alice could go.

Carol: She can’t. She gets seasick. (Pause) Wait, I got it. I’ll take the boys fishing and Alice can take the girls riding. Okay? Problem solved.

Mike: Hey, you’re an angel, you know that? I thought you…

Carol: Yeah, I know what you thought. You thought I was going to be jealous.

Mike: Yeah, I did.

Carol: Just because she’s rich and famous and beautiful, and I must be some kind of nut.

Mike: You’re a wonderful kind of nut, you know that? (He kisses her)

(Later that day, Alice and the girls come home from riding and Alice is injured. The girls had to pull her inside.)

Alice: Ooh, ahh. Oh kids.

Marcia: You should sit down and rest, Alice.

Alice: I’m not sure I can sit.

(They help her to a chair in the living room, after putting a cushion on it)

Alice: That was one rotten horse I had.

Cindy: I like him. I ride him all the time.

Alice: Well, I’m never gonna ride him again. Not after the way he threw me. Rotten horse.

Jan: That wasn’t a horse.

Marcia: It was a pony.

Alice: Well, when it grows up it’s going to be a rotten horse.

Marcia: Ponies don’t grow up.

Cindy: They just get older.

Alice: That’s what I need then, an old pony. Next time we go riding, we’re going to a different place. There’s one right next to Riverside Avenue, right next to Maple Street.

Jan: That’s a merry-go-round.

Alice: You better believe it.

(Later on, Alice is struggling to put some things in the cupboard while the boys help Carol in the house)

Carol: Oh, fellas, help.

Greg: You’ll be okay, Mom.

Carol: Oh, boys, you’re rocking the boat. Stop weaving.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, what happened?

Carol: Oh, I got seasick and sunburned and then I got caught in somebody else’s line and then I fell into a pile of fish.

Alice: No wonder you smell like tuna, Mrs. Brady.

Carol: I wouldn’t gloat if I were you, Alice. You smell a little like manure. (She struggles to sit down) Will somebody please stop rocking this house. (She gets up) Oh, I better go straight up to bed.

Alice: Don’t you want any dinner?

Carol: Dinner, Alice, please don’t even mention food.

(That evening, Carol is tossing and turning in bed. She checks the clock on the end table and realizes Mike is not home yet. Mike comes in the door.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike: You still up, sweetheart?

(Carol turns the light on and Mike sits on the bed to talk to her)

Mike: That’s funny.

Carol: What’s funny?

Mike: I smell fish.

Carol: Well, I can’t help it. I’ve already taken three showers. (Pause) I smell pink.

Mike: Yeah, well, you can smell pink, too. Beebe gave me some samples.

Carol: Samples of what?

Mike: Cosmetics. her apartment’s full of them.

Carol: Her apartment?

Mike: Yeah, she uses it as her office. She hates her factory and won’t work in it, so that’s why I’m designing her a new factory.

Carol: Hmm.

Mike: Hey, hey, hey, where’s that angel of a wife I left this morning?

Carol: She went fishing, and she got seasick and sunburned and caught in someone else’s hook and fell into a pile of fish.

Mike: You had a rough day on the boat, huh? (He hugs her) honey, why don’t you use some of Beebe’s cologne. There’s a whole box of it over there.

(Carol kisses him)

Carol (indignantly): I’d rather smell like fish.

(The scene fades out. the next scene has Mike walking in his office. he finds Beebe and Duane in there. Beebe at sitting at his desk, talking on the phone.)

Mike: Oh, excuse me.

Beebe (putting down the phone): Michael, darling. My sketches. I am dying to see your sketches, it is a whole week since we talked. Duane, ask Mr. Brady in.

Duane: Oh, come right in, Mr. Brady.

Mike (sitting down): For a minute there, I kinda thought I was in the wrong office.

Beebe: Oh, no, no, no, I give you what you say, co-operation. I bring you samples of materials for the draperies, samples of the paint. Everything that is Beebe.

Duane: Excuse me, Ms. Gallini.

Beebe: Yes?

Duane: You are still on the phone.

Beebe: Oh, but of course, what would I do without my Duane? (She gets back on the phone) Where was I? Oh, yes, the charity. When I appear, I want that the orchestra should play something pink. (Pause) Well, then something that sounds pink. (She hangs up) Charities, banquets, it is always something. (She goes up to Mike) Now, Michael daring, you will show me my sketches, hmm?

(Mike takes the sketches out of his briefcase)

Mike: I finished these late at home, last night.

Beebe: Oh no, no, darling. That is a factory for anybody. I want my factory should be me, that when people see it, they say, “There’s Beebe”.

Mike: Beebe, a factory has to be functional.

Beebe: Functional, oh, that is one thing Beebe does not want to be, functional. Beebe wants to be Beebe.

Mike: Naturally, a building has to express the personality of its owner, but…

Beebe: Exactly what I’m saying. Express my personality.

Mike: Yeah, but you see, you didn’t let me finish my sentence. A factory has to be practical and efficient, there has to be a thousand…

Beebe: A powder puff. Make the factory the shape of a powder puff.

Mike: A powder puff?

Beebe: Or maybe tall, like a lipstick.

Mike (laughing): A lipstick.

Beebe: All right, Michael, make it the shape of a powder puff. With Beebe, you get complete freedom. Now, you will make me a sketch, huh? (The phone rings) Oh, no, that must be for me, darling. I’ve had my calls transferred here.

Duane (answering the phone): Yes, this is Beebe Gallini incorporated.

Beebe (to Mike): I love being incorporated.

Duane: Ms. Gallini, it’s Marie of Marie’s Cosmetics.

Beebe: Oh, (she comes to the phone) Her, I do not wish to speak to. Hang up, LOUDLY!

Duane: Of course. (He hangs up)

Beebe: Well, Michael daring, are you finished? (Mike looks at her aggravated as he works some more on the new sketch) No, dear. Fluffier, fluffier, it has to be fluffier.

Mike: Fluffier?

Beebe: Yes. A powder puff is fluffy. My factory has to be fluffy.

(Mike gives a frustrated look)

Mike: A fluffy factory. (He works on the sketch some more)

(That evening, Carol is in the family room reading the story of Little Red Riding Hood to Cindy)

Carol: But Little Red Riding hood was too smart. She knew that wasn’t her…

Cindy: Grandmother.

Carol: Right. She knew it was a big wolf. A big, pink, female wolf.

Cindy: I’ve never seen a pink wolf, Mommy.

Carol: Let’s hope you never do, dear. (She looks at the clock) Oh my goodness, it’s 8:30, way past your bedtime.

Cindy: Daddy stays up late too, doesn’t he,

Carol: You’re Daddy’s working very hard these days, and nights.

(Peter and Jan come in looking for Mike)

Peter: Mom. I can’t make my airplane fly straight. Is Dad home yet?

Carol: No dear, he’s working late.

Jan: We don’t hardly ever get to see him anymore.

Carol: Well, I explained it to you before, dear. your father has a very complicated job. Designing a factory where they make perfume, powder and lipstick.

Peter: Ah, who needs all that junk, anyway?

Jan: Us women, that’s who.

Carol: Why don’t you two just run along and finish your homework, okay?

(They leave and Bobby comes in)

Bobby: Hi Mom, is Dad here?

Carol: No, he’s not here yet. Go on upstairs, I’ll be up in a minute to help you.

(He walks out and Greg and Marcia)

Greg: Mom, Marcia and I are looking for Dad.

Carol: He’s not here! (She gets up, takes Cindy the hand and starts to walk out) Now, come on, everybody to your rooms. It’s time for bed.

Greg (angry): Bed?

Carol: Bed!

Marcia: At 8:30?

Carol: Well, you’ve been staying up too late.

(Greg and Marcia look at each other with disbelief. Carol is in bed reading a magazine later that evening when Mike comes in, exhausted and frustrated)

Mike: Another wasted evening with that cosmetic hokey queen.(He starts loosening his tie and sits down on the bed.) Changes, changes, more changes. More interruptions. I tell you, if that factory didn’t mean so much to my company…

Carol: Is it worth it Mike?

Mike: Well, honey, it might be rough on me if I lose the contract.

Carol: But what good is it? What good is the money if you have to work all the time?

Mike: She’s got to make a decision soon.

Carol: Yes, but what if she doesn’t make a decision soon? You can’t keep working day and night.

Mike: That’s my job. what about the kids education? What about providing for the future?

Carol: What about us today? Tomorrow is Saturday and…

Mike: No honey, listen, Beebe has to go to some charity meeting and I’ll make it up to the kids and to you. I’ll do everything, I promise you.

Carol: In one day?

Mike: Have I been away that much?

Carol: Very much that much.

(The next night, Mike is in the kitchen helping Peter with his airplane)

Mike: The wing was way too far back, Pete. that’s why it didn’t fly straight.

Peter: Thanks, Dad. I’ll bet it will really go great now.

(The doorbell rings)

Carol: Is that the door?

Mike (getting up): I’ll get it.

Carol: I’ll get it, honey. (Mike races her to the door) Oh, now, Mike.

(He kisses her when he opens the door. He’s surprised it is Beebe)

Mike: Hello, Beebe.

Mike: Hello Michael, darling. (She puts her hand out for Michael to kiss it, then she notices Carol) This must be the little woman.

Mike: Oh, I forgot. You haven’t met. (Pause) Carol, this is Beebe Gallini. Beebe, this is my wife, Carol.

Carol: I’m very happy to know you.

Beebe: Of course. (She walks in before she’s asked) Oh, what a charming little cottage. (She comes in the living room) Is this your guest house?

Mike: Oh, yes, this is our nine room guest house. Beebe, listen, I thought you were going to that charity affair today.

Beebe: I’m on my way, darling. but as I was driving, a, a vision came to me.

Mike: You changed your mind about the powder puff?

Beebe: You guessed it. (to Carol) you have such a talented husband, darling.

(She pulls back her scarf into Carol’s face)

Mike: Beebe, I’ve been working all week on that powder puff design.

Beebe: This is much better. A compact.

Mike: A compact?

Beebe: The top floor opens up. There has never been another factory like it.

Mike: Yeah, that’s for sure. Beebe, that’s impossible!

Carol: I think that’s a marvelous idea. A topless factory with a stationary bottom.

Beebe: A factory like that will make you famous. Everyone will talk about you.

Mike: Oh, they’ll talk about me, all right. Look, Beebe, the whole project is impossible from an engineering standpoint. The leverage, the stress.

Carol: I’d sure hate to be standing next to the water cooler when the top went up.

Mike (tapping Carol for silence): You can’t hinge a roof, you can understand that.

Beebe: Details, details, details. Beebe Gallini is not interested in details. Now darling, you will start work on the new design at once.

(Peter flies his airplane into the living room and it hits Beebe on the head from behind)

Beebe: Ooh, my head, my hair!

Peter: My airplane!

Carol: We’re sorry about this, Miss Gallini.

Peter: Good, it’s not broken.

Mike: Peter, will you apologize to Miss Gallini?

Peter: For what?

Beebe: Oh, apologies I do not need. Three hours it takes to fix my hair for the charity ball.

(Bobby and Cindy come down the stairs with water pistols)

Cindy: Bang, bang, you’re all wet.

Bobby: I’ll get you wetter.

(He squirts at Cindy but accidentally hits Beebe, while Carol and Mike try stopping him)

Bobby: Sorry, lady, I was aiming at her.

Beebe: Michael, are these creatures yours?

Mike: Bobby, Cindy, out.

(Cindy notices Beebe crying and her mascara dripping)

Cindy: Bobby, the lady cries black tears.

Carol: Oh kids, out. (to Beebe) I’m terribly sorry, Miss Gallini.

Beebe: Sorry does not help!

Carol: They didn’t mean any harm.

Beebe: Neither did Frankenstein.

Mike: Beebe, I apologize. the whole thing is…

Beebe: Sorry, Michael, but I’m afraid I have to get another architect. Good-bye. (She turns to Carol) And good-bye to you, little woman.

(Carol is stepping on Beebe’s long scarf. She angrily grabs it and storms out. Mike and Carol motion relief from her smell of pink)

Mike: Well, there goes Beebe Gallini in a cloud of feathers.

Carol: Oh, Mike. What about your company? Haven’t you lost the contract for them?

(Mike sits in the chair and she sits on his lap while he holds her)

Mike: Oh, honey. that’s the wrong way to look at it. I haven’t lost them a contract, I saved them a nervous breakdown.

(He and Carol laugh as the scene fades out)

(The final scene has Mike and Carol in bed together reading the paper)

Mike: Honey. Listen to my horoscope for tomorrow. You will meet a tall sexy brunette who will fall madly in love with you. How about that?

Carol: Oh, who believes in that nonsense anyway?

Mike: Yeah, you’re right. Good night, honey.

Carol: Good night, dear.

(Carol expects a kiss form Mike but he turns off the light and goes to sleep. She takes the paper and reads his horoscope.)

Carol: Tall, sexy brunette? It says this is a good time to adopt a pet. (Mike laughs) oh, Mike, that’s terrible. (Mike rises a little and starts grabbing her) Stop it! stop it!

(He hugs and kisses her)

                                   THE END

images beebe 2

S1 E 15 54-40 And Fight

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54-40 And Fight

Written by Burt Styler

The Bradys have 94 books of trading stamps. However, they can’t agree on what to get for it. What will they end up getting and how will they decide how to get it? Hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

CLERK AT DEPARTMENT STORE

 

(The episode begins with Greg, Marcia, Peter and Jan sitting at the kitchen table drinking milk. Greg puts what’s left of it in his glass.)

Marcia: No more milk?

Greg: No, there’s never anything  to eat around here.

(Alice comes in with two big shopping bags)

Alice: How about some help. I’m running the supply train.

(The kids all run to help her out)

Peter: Got any cookies?

Alice: That’s like asking Garcia if he got any messages.

(The kids take the bags and go through them)

Peter (frustrated): Tomatoes?

Jan: That’s for grownups

Greg: The good stuff is always at the bottom.

Marcia: Not always, look what I got. Checkered trading stamps.

Alice: Oops.

(Marcia gives them to Greg to see)

Greg: There must be two pages worth here.

Marcia (taking them back): What do you think you’re doing there?

Greg: We’re saving them.

Jan: So are we. We’ve been saving them ever since we were little kids.

Peter: Listen, we only got about 40 books to go to get a rowboat.

Marcia: We’re getting something sensible, a sewing machine.

Greg: A sewing machine? Ha, that’s for girls!

Jan: Well, what do you think we are?

Alice: All right, everybody, hold it. I’ve been afraid of this. But, as long as the moment has come. (She shows them a bunch of other stamps she has in a drawer) Who gets custody of these?

(The kids all go through hem as the scene fades)

(In the next scene, Carol comes in with Bobby and Cindy. They are returning form the department store)

Carol: Come on, kids. (They walk in through the door while Carol shuts it, while carrying a few boxes) Uhh, my feet hurt. (They walk into the living room) Listen the next time I take you two to the department store on bargain day, would you remind me of something?

Cindy: What Mommy?

Carol: Not to. (She goes to sit down) Oh, the peace and quiet of home.

(The other kids are in the kitchen arguing over the stamps)

Bobby: That doesn’t sound very quiet.

Cindy: And not very peace.

Carol: The word is peaceful. You two go on upstairs, hurry up.

(Bobby and Cindy go up the stairs. Carol sets the boxes down and goes to the kitchen)

Greg: Go ahead, give one logical, intelligent reason why you should have all those stamps.

Marcia: Well, they come from groceries and taking care of groceries is a woman’s job.

Greg: Yeah, well eating them is a man’s job.

Alice: I think maybe I should’ve kept my big drawer shut.

Carol (coming in the kitchen): Greg, have you boys been saving up for something too?

Marcia: A silly old rowboat.

Carol: Now, Marcia, I don’t think a rowboat is silly.

Greg: You’re darn right. It’s not like a dumb old sewing machine.

Mike (coming in): A sewing machine is certainly not anything that can be called dumb.

Marcia: Hi, Dad.

Greg: Hi, Dad.

Mike: Hi.

Alice: Excuse me, I got to see the dog about a bath.

Marcia: But Mom, we’ve always been getting…

Greg: Dad, you know how long we’ve been saving.

Mike: There’s a simple answer to this that will make everybody happy, split them up.

Carol: Of course.

Greg: Okay, but I’ll do it.

Marcia: Oh no you won’t, I will.

Mike: Kids.

Greg: Okay, we’ll both do it.

Carol: Come on, for goodness sake, smile. the problem’s solved.

(Greg and Marcia put on fake smiles)

Mike: Oh, see, one big happy family.

(The next scene has Alice bathing Tiger in the laundry room)

Alice: Now, where did I put that brush? (Tiger starts to walk away) Come back here, you’re getting the floor all wet. (She picks him up and puts him back) What’s the matter with you, Tiger? You usually enjoy a bath. Believe me, this is going to be a good one.

(Meanwhile, the girls are in the family room sorting out their stamps while the boys are outside doing likewise. Greg notices some of their stamps are missing).

Greg: Who took those two batches of stamps I had?

Peter: Not me.

Greg: Did you see them, Bobby?

Bobby (bitterly): No.

Greg: What’s the matter?

Bobby: I gotta spit.

(Bobby runs to spit from licking too many stamps. Greg suspects the girls took them and goes inside)

Jan: This is boring.

Cindy: Not if you make pictures. See, a horse.

(She shows Jan a horse she made out of the stamps)

Marcia: I can’t find those stamps. They were just here.

(She looks under the table while Jan and Cindy look as well. Greg comes in.)

Greg: Okay, who took them.

Jan: Who took what?

Greg: A whole bunch of our stamps just disappeared.

Marcia: That’s very interesting. A bunch of our stamps are missing.

Greg: You putting me on?

Marcia: Did you see them, Jan?

(Jan and Cindy shake their heads no)

Greg: Pulling that one, huh, trying to make it look like we did what you did.

Marcia: Well, if you wanna know what I think, I think you did what you just said we did.

Jan: Boys are tricky.

(Cindy nods. Mike comes in)

Mike: Okay, I think we had about enough of this. One thing to be selfish about these stamps, but to start accusing each other of swiping them is something else.

Greg: But Dad, they were right out there on the patio.

Mike: Maybe the wind blew them away.

Greg: It wasn’t windy.

Marcia: And there’s no breeze in here. Someone must have taken them.

Greg: Right. They didn’t just walk away.

Mike: You want to bet.

(Tiger comes in with a bunch of stamps on him)

Greg: Hey, that’s right. He was out on the patio.

Marcia: He was in here too.

(They take the stamps off him)

Greg: Hey, those are my stamps.

Marcia: They are not.

Greg: Yes they are.

(They struggle to get the stamps from each other while Mike watches in amazement)

(Later, Mike and Carol are in the living room discussing the situation about the stamps)

Mike: Oh, what are we gonna do about the kids honey? The way they were grabbing those stamps from each other.

Carol: Well, Mike, didn’t you ever want trading stamps when you were a boy?

Mike: When I was a boy, I didn’t know what trading stamps were. Money either, for that matter.

Carol: Well, I must admit, it does bother me that they’re taking sides, like enemy camps.

Mike (looking at a picture of the kids): Look at them, underneath those friendly smiles, lurk the Hatfields and the McCoys.

Carol: Mike. (Pause) Yes!

Mike: Mike, yes, what?

Carol: I think I have an idea but…

Mike: But what?

Carol: Well, sorry,  before it’s official, I have to get some approval.

(Carol is outside talking to the kids)

Carol: All right, let’s start with the girls first. You couldn’t care less about a rowboat, right?

Marcia: Who wants a rowboat?

Jan: Yuck!

Cindy: Yeah, yuck!

Carol: Well I’m sure the boys feel the same way about a sewing machine, right?

Greg: Right.

Peter: A sewing machine is not good for nothing.

Carol: Anything.

Jan (angrily): It is so good for something.

Peter: What?

Jan: Sewing.

Peter: That’s nothing.

Cindy: Not as nothing as a rowboat.

Carol: Thank you very much, you have just proved my point. Now wouldn’t it be nicer if we started treating each other as one family, instead of we, they, you or us?

Marcia: I guess so.

Greg: Yeah.

Carol: All right, now let’s all pitch in and put all of our books together and get one gift for the benefit of the entire family.

Marcia: Hey, we can get something right away. We already got 40 books.

Greg: And we got 54.

Cindy: That makes (She tries doing the math with her fingers) 78 books.

Bobby: No it doesn’t, it makes (Pause) 87.

Peter: 94, now why don’t you both keep quiet and let Mom talk.

Carol: Thank you, Peter. Well, now that we’re all in agreement, here are the catalogues. (She hands the girls, then the boys, a catalogue) One for you, and one for you.

Greg: Great, we can pick out the best thing for all of us.

Marcia: We can get something wonderful for 94 books.

(The kids all go inside. Mike and Carol go down the stairs and further discuss the issue)

Mike: Honey, it’s a great idea.

Carol: Well the important thing is they’re picking it out together.

Mike: Well, at least they’re on the same side for a change.

(Greg and Marcia come to see them)

Greg: Dad.

Marcia: Mom.

Mike: Well, has the jury reached a decision?

Greg: Yeah.

Marcia: Finally.

Greg: You know, I’ll bet you we went through this catalogue five times.

Marcia: Every time they wanted something, we wanted something else.

Greg: Until we finally agreed on one thing.

Mike: Well, that’s great.

Carol: Right. What did you agree on?

Greg: To let Mom choose.

(Carol gives a surprised look)

Mike: Oh.

Greg: Is that okay, Dad?

Mike: Oh, sure.

Carol: What do you mean, Mom?

Marcia: Good, now we don’t have to argue anymore.

(The kids hand them the catalogues)

Carol (to Mike): Thanks a lot.

Mike (laughing): Well, now you solved their problem. All you have to do is worry about solving your problem.

Carol: What do you mean “your problem”?  Listen, you heard the minister say “for better or for worse”. It’s our problem.

(Mike gets a worried look)

(That evening, Mike and Carol are in their room. Carol is in bed looking at the catalogue when Mike comes out of the bathroom.)

Carol: Mike, I found it. The ideal thing for everyone.

Mike: Great, what is it?

Carol: A grandfather clock.

Mike: A what?

Carol: A grandfather clock.

Mike: Yeah, I heard you. I just don’t believe it.

Carol: It’s perfect.

Mike: I could just imagine telling the boys we’re getting a grandfather clock.

Carol: We could put it in the hall and everyone can see it.

Mike: The boys don’t look at clocks. They say “Dad, what time is it?”. This is not gonna be easy. There are (Pause) Hey, here’s the perfect thing, perfect for everybody. Boys and girls.

Carol: What is it?

Mike: A pool table.

Carol: What? For girls?

Mike: Listen, when I was in college, I went out with a girl who was a very good pool player.

(He laughs and so does she)

Carol: I am not interested in the lurid women of your past. Besides, I don’t know how to play pool and neither do the girls.

Mike: Well, no sense of staying up half the night.

Carol: You’re right. Let’s get some sleep.

Mike: Good night, honey.

(They kiss and turn the lights out)

Carol: Good night. After all, what difference can a day make.

(The next morning, Alice is reading the paper with an advertisement announcing the checker trading stamps are going out of business in 30 days. She sets the paper on the kitchen table when Carol and Mike come in)

Carol: Good morning, Alice.

Mike: Might even say it’s a beautiful morning.

Alice (unhappy): Morning. something there you oughtta see.

Mike (sitting down): From your tone, some kind of bad news. Right?

Alice: Right.

Mike : Don’t wanna hear it, I’m in too good a mood.

Carol: We decided to take our time about those premiums for the trading stamps.

Mike: Yes, if we take long enough, they may each have 94 books, right?

Alice: Wrong.

Mike (looking at the paper): Oh, oh. Wrong it is.

Carol: What? What is it? (He shows her the paper) Oh no. this family better make up its mind and quick. Or they’ll be out of premiums.

Mike: Better break the bad news to the kids.

(The kids glumly come in with the radio announcing the news)

Alice: I have the feeling the bad news had already been broken.

(The next scene has the boys in the room, trying in vain to decide what to get)

Greg: Come on, you guys. We got to pick out something. Before that checker stamp place runs out of merchandise.

Peter: Girls! That’s what’s making it rough. It’s easy to figure out what boys want.

Bobby: Maybe that’s because we’re boys.

Greg: Now look, you guys. Whether we like it or not, Mom and Dad said we have to pick out something we all want. And that includes the girls.

Bobby: Hey, how about a diving board.

Greg: We don’t even have a swimming pool, dummy.

Bobby: I know. That’s what makes it just as good for the girls as it is for us.

Greg: Forget it.

Peter: Hey, how about a set of electric trains. You know, with switches, and tracks that crisscross.

Greg: For girls?

Peter: We can put curtains on the windows.

Bobby: Yeah.

Greg: No.

Bobby: No?

Greg: No!

Bobby (taking hos robe off): Boy, Santa Claus sure must have it rough when he’s got to go to a girl’s house.

(Cut to the girls’ room, where they are having the same dilemma)

Cindy: Hey, how about a nice big hair dryer.

Marcia: Cindy, boys don’t use hair dryers.

Jan: They should. Boys have longer hair than girls these days. (She gets a thought) Hey, wait a minute. (She looks in the catalogue) How about?

Marcia: What?

Jan (thinking twice): No. Forget it.

(Next, Mike is in his den and Carol comes in)

Mike: Huh, anything?

Carol: Not yet. I sure wish they’d hurry up and agree on something.

Mike: Well they better, or they’re gonna be redoing their rooms with checker stamped wallpaper.

Alice (coming in the den): Excuse me, folks, I thought you’d like to know I just saw the boys go into the girls’ room)

Mike: Well, let’s hope they arrived at a settlement.

Alice: Well, at least they’re having a meaningful dialogue. Hey, it sounds like the platoon leaders are coming. Good luck.

(Greg and Marcia enter and Alice leaves)

Marcia: Mom, Dad, we’ve got the answer.

Greg: I got it.

Marcia: All right, he got it. But I agreed to it.

Carol: Well come on, tell us. What is it?

Greg: We decide don the rowboat or the sewing machine.

Mike: That we know, but which one.

Marcia: Either one.

Carol: Either? Well, you know it has to be one or the other.

Greg: That’s where the contest comes in.

Mike: Contest?

Marcia: Boys against the girls. Winner take all.

Carol: Don’t you realize that’s gonna leave somebody out in the cold?

Marcia: We know that.

Greg: Sure.

Mike: Well, if both sides are willing to take the risk. I guess it’s okay.

Greg: Now the only problem we got is, what kind of contest?

Marcia: That’s fair to both of us.

Mike: Well, that shouldn’t be to hard, should it.

Carol: I have it. Ping pong.

Mike: No. That wouldn’t be fair to the girls, Peter’s a champ.

Marcia: How about a swimming contest.

Greg: Real fair, huh. After you won the 100 meter free style last year.

Marcia: Oh, that’s right. I did, didn’t I.

Alice (coming back in): Excuse me, I have some dusting to do.

Carol: At this time of night?

Alice: Well, you won’t be having this conversation tomorrow morning.

(They all laugh)

Greg: Here’s one. A relay race.

Marcia: Oh, sure. Why don’t you just offer to run against Cindy. Hopscotch?

Carol: Now Marcia, that would be like I challenging your father to a embroidery contest.

Greg: Weightlifting. Now that’s a great one.

Marcia: For who?

Mike (correcting her): Whom.

Marcia: Whom.

Carol: Well, I guess there’s no such thing as fair competition between boys and girls.

Alice: How about that game with the cards? Building houses.

Mike: Now, that’s perfect. Why didn’t anybody think of that?

Alice: You just did, Mr. Brady.

(The next scene has the kids all by a table in the living room with all the cards. Carol and Mike are refereeing them.)

Mike: Remember kids, mother and I are the umpires. Right?

Greg: Yeah, right.

Bobby: I guess so.

Carol: Whatever we say goes. Well, I think that Bobby and Cindy should start. Okay, everybody ready?

Mike: Uh, just a minute. Stand away from the table kids, because any little movement is gonna knock them down.

Carol: Ready. Go.

Cindy (to Bobby): Me first.

Bobby: Why you?

Cindy: Because I’m a lady.

Bobby: Awe.

Cindy: I am a lady, and if you say I’m not, I’ll bop you.

Greg: Let her go first. Come on.

Cindy (putting her first card on the table): There.

(Bobby sets down his card)

Carol: Be careful.

Bobby: How’s that?

Carol: That’s very good, Bobby.

Cindy (whining): Nobody said mine was very good.

Mike: Honey, yours was sensational.

(Jan sets one down, then does Peter)

Greg (to Marcia): You’re next, come on.

Marcia; You’re making me nervous, stop acting so jumpy.

Greg: Who’s acting? I am jumpy.

(Marcia sets her down and we move in the next scene, with Greg putting his card in with a bunch of others. They move back down to Cindy and Bobby)

Mike: Take a deep breath next time.

(The kids continue with Jan, Peter and Marcia. Carol notices Marcia may knock some cards down with her bracelet)

Carol: Oh Marcia, Marcia, be careful, your bracelet.

Peter: if she knocks it over, that’s it.

Jan: Shh, be quiet.

(Marcia sets her card down without incident. They all sigh relief)

Jan: It wouldn’t have counted anyway if she knocked it over.

Peter: It sure would. Everything counts.

Jan: Would it, Mom?

Carol: I’m afraid so, honey.

Cindy: That’s not fair. Boys don’t wear bracelets.

(We move into another scene, with the house of cards getting bigger. Marcia is about to put a card up)

Carol: Oh, Mike. I think this is too nerve racking for them.

Mike: Honey, I agree. I think we better call it off and find some other way. (He turns to the kids) Listen you kids, why don’t you toss a coin or something.

(The kids protest that they want to finish)

Greg (to Marcia): Go ahead.

Mike: Talk any louder and you’ll knock it all down.

(Marcia sets her card down and sighs relief. Tiger comes running inside and heads for the living room)

Alice: No, Tiger, stay outside.

Bobby: There’s Tiger.

Greg: Keep away from me, keep away!

(The house collapses and Tiger runs off. Everybody groans)

Peter: That was an accident.

Jan: Everything counts. You said it yourself.

Mike: I’m sorry fellas, those were the rules.

Carol: Oh, too bad boys. (She turns to the girls) isn’t it, girls.

Marcia: Oh yes.

Jan: Oh yeah, it’s too bad.

Cindy: It’s awful (She starts giggling)

Jan: Hey, Mom, you better take us down to get our sewing machine.

Marcia: We better hurry up or the store will close.

Jan: Or they might run out of sewing machines.

Carol: Well, uh, go up and get your sweaters.

(The girls go upstairs)

Mike: Well, I’ll guess you’ll just have to remember, like the fella said, it isn’t whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.

Carol: Yeah, but that fellow didn’t lose his rowboat to a bunch of girls.

(Carol goes upstairs and we move to the next scene. They arrive at the store, which has just closed.)

Marcia: Oh, mother, the store is closed.

Carol: Well I see a man in there. perhaps he’ll take care of us.

(Carol knocks on the door and the store clerk, who is sweeping the floor, shakes his head no)

Carol: Please.

Clerk: I’m sorry, lady.

Carol: Please, mister.

Clerk: It’s been murder today, we’re closed. (Carol and the girls continue tapping on the door) No, no, no more premiums. I’ve got to clean up.

Carol: Look mister, I know it’s late. But you’ve just got to let us in. You see, we’ve been building this house of cards and, well, it took over an hour.

Marcia: We won, because everything counts when you’re building a house.

Jan: And we can get a sewing machine.

Cindy: Even if it was Tiger’s fault. (The man shakes his head no again) Oh, please, mister.

(The clerk drops the broom and goes to let them in.)

Clerk: All right, hurry it up, will you, please. Because I don’t want everybody on the street dropping in.

Carol: Thank you so much. We really appreciate it.

Clerk: I’m sure you do. (Carol and the girls come in to look around) It’s been like this ever since they announced checkered stamps was going out of business. All day long. Coffee makers, toasters, heaters, blankets. Doesn’t anybody buy anything any more?

Carol: Don’t you save trading stamps?

Clerk: Who do you think was my first customer today?

Marcia: We’ve been saving stamps a long time. Our brothers were saving them too.

Jan: And that’s why we were building a house. And we won because.

Clerk: I know, because everything counts when you’re building a house, and you won because it was Tiger’s fault. Whatever that means.

Carol: Well we do have 94 books, and that is enough for a sewing machine. Right?

Clerk: Right. Somewhere in here, I got two different models. Let’s see if I could find ’em. Oh, I think they’re right over (Pause) No, that’s our home beauty salon. Hair dryers, make-up table, three way mirrors.

Marcia: Hey, yeah!

Jan: Yeah!

Cindy: Yeah!

Carol: No. We came here to get a sewing machine, and that’s what we’re gonna get.

Marcia: Mom’s right. We can make some groovy dresses.

Clerk (pointing); I think they’re right, come on over with me. I think they’re over there. So much stock here, excuse me, I can’t remember. Please, will you hurry up , because I haven’t had even lunch yet today. (His voice turns confused) They were, uh, oh here they are, here they are, right here, I knew they were. This model has an automatic button, all our push buttons, etc., and a solid maple cabinet. (He shows them another model) And this one has a walnut cabinet, an automatic bobbin, separate thread compartments and an illuminated sewing area. All right ladies, which one will it be? (Marcia and Carol point to one and Cindy points to the other, making the clerk more agitated) Oh no, not that.

(Later on, Mike and the boys are sitting at home and Carol and the girls return. they have a box and are rolling it in the living room, with Alice’s help)

Carol: Okay, let’s put it right about here.

Mike: Hey!

Greg: Ah, dad, what do we have to look at it for?

Mike: Because it’s what they call being a good sport. Now you might have won and they might be sitting here. Right?

Bobby: That’s the way I wish it was.

Carol: Okay, Cindy.

(Cindy goes in front of them and makes an announcement)

Cindy: All us girls wanna thank all you guys on account of, if you didn’t lose, we wouldn’t have this.

(Carol and the girls open the box and take out a new television set)

Carol; there.

Greg: A TV set, a color TV set.

(All the boys go up to check it out)

Mike: What happened to the sewing machine?

Carol: Well, when we got to the redemption store, and the girls saw the rowboat just a few feet away from the sewing machine, well, they decided to get something the entire family could use.

Mike: Oh ho, hey, what do you say, fellas.

Greg: That’s sure nice of you girls.

Peter: That’s great.

Mike (to Carol): You sure you didn’t nudge the girls a little?

Carol: Well, maybe just, that much. (Putting her thumb and index finger up)

(All the kids are hanging around and enjoying the TV)

Mike: Whose room is it gonna go into?

(The whole family laughs and the scene fades)

(In the final scene, Mike and Carol are sitting at the kitchen table enjoying a cake Alice had just bought.)

Carol: Mmm, Alice, this cake is positively out of this world.

Mike: Sure is. New recipe?

Alice: New bakery.

Carol: Boy, if they turn out cakes like this, they’re gonna have customers waiting in line.

Alice: They do, but it’s not just because they bake so well.

Mike: What else would you go to a bakery for?

Alice: Oh, they got a very special attraction in there. Something new. Golden circle trading stamps.

(She shows them a couple she got and Mike and Carol laugh)

                        THE END

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