Written by Elroy Schwartz
Bobby feels sorry for himself when he realizes he’s the only Brady kid who hasn’t won a trophy. He then becomes a frantic competitor, entering contest after contest. I hope you enjoy the script.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BOY selling magazines
CARTOON KING, host of a children’s show
(The episode begins with Greg and Peter playing basketball and Cindy coming up to them. She shows them a trophy she just won. She runs inside the house and shows Alice. Next, she runs down the stairs with the rest of the family, with Alice waiting.)
Carol: What is all the excitement?
Greg: What is going on here, we were playing basketball.
Cindy: Look what I won, Mommy.
Mike: Hey, That’s some trophy. Look at that.
Cindy: Look, Daddy.
Marcia: How did you win it?
Cindy: For being the best jack player at the playground.
(The family checks out the trophy and praises Cindy.)
Greg (looking at the trophy): Nice going, Cindy.
Greg: It’s really neat.
Mike: Looks like we’re gonna hafta build a trophy case for all the Brady trophies, right?
(Bobby starts to walk upstairs.)
Peter: Hey Bobby, where are you going?
(Bobby goes into his room and checks out the trophies won by his brothers. He puts on an alligator mask, then goes in the girls’ room and sees Marcia’s and Jan’s trophies.)
Bobby: Now everyone’s got a trophy, except me. I’ll never win at anything.
(He puts the mask over his face as the scene fades.)
(The next scene has Bobby moping in the closet and Carol and Mike come in to see him.)
Carol: Hi. What are you doing in there?
Mike: You want to do some talking?
(Bobby remains in the closet.)
Mike: You want to come out or should we come in?
Bobby: I don’t think there’s anything you can do.
(He comes out of the closet and sits down on the top bunk.)
Carol: Well, you never can tell. Why don’t you try us, honey.
Bobby: Well (Pause) Well (Pause) It’s (Pause) It’s nothing.
Mike: Oh, if it takes that long to say it’s nothing, it’s something.
Carol: Bobby, if you don’t tell us we can’t help you.
Bobby (petulantly): Everybody’s won a trophy except me, even the girls.
Carol: But Bobby, they’re older than you.
Bobby: Well Cindy isn’t, and boy, if she can win one and I can’t, I’m nothing.
Mike: Well son, you know, you haven’t entered that many contests.
Bobby: Sure I have. The last one was the swimming race at he Y. I came in fourth.
Carol: Well, I think that’s pretty good.
Bobby: There were only four guys in the race.
Mike: Look, how are you going to win at anything if you don’t keep trying?
Carol: Your father’s right, you know.
Bobby: You really think so?
Mike: I’m positive. Just pick something you’re good at, just one thing, stick with it.
Carol: And then I’ll bet you’ll win.
Bobby: One thing, huh?
(Bobby is playing a game of checkers with Peter.)
Peter: Ha ha, triple jump, you can’t win now. You wanna play another game?
Bobby (angry): No, dumb game.
(He shoves the checker board and storms off, to Peter’s surprise.)
(Next, Marcia and Jan are playing a ring toss game in the backyard, with Bobby looking on.)
Marcia (giggling to Jan): Okay, come on.
(Jan throws a ring on the pole and she nd Marcia cheer.)
Marcia: You got it!
Jan: I can’t believe it!
Bobby: That’s a cinch, anybody can get it from there.
Jan: If it’s so easy, let’s see you do it.
(Jan gets all the rings form the pole.)
Marcia; Hurry up.
Jan (to Bobby): You can have all of them.
(Bobby throws one ring but misses.)
Marcia: That was a good try, Bobby. Do it again.
(Bobby angrily throws the rest of the rings and runs off)
(Greg meets Peter outside.)
Peter: Hey, where you going? I thought we were gonna shoot some baskets.
Greg (upset): I thought so, too. But Bobby doesn’t think so and it’s his ball.
Peter: So what?
Greg: So I beat him at free throws and now he won’t let us use it.
(The next scene has Greg and Marcia angrily marching to Mike and Carol.)
Greg: Dad, Mom, can we see you for a minute?
Carol: What’s up?
Marcia: Well, we’ve all talked it over and…
Greg: All of us except Bobby.
Marcia: Yeah, except Bobby and we think you should know.
Mike: Know what?
Greg: Well, Bobby’s been a real stinker.
Carol: Greg, you know I don’t like that word.
Greg: It’s the only word that really fits, Mom.
Carol: Well, what’s the problem?
Marcia: Everything. No matter what any of us are doing, he’s just a real stinker.
Carol (firmly): Marcia, I just told Greg I don’t wanna hear that word.
Marcia: Sorry, Mom, but that’s what he’s been.
Greg: He blows his cork every time he doesn’t win at something.
Mike: Well then, that’s it.
Carol: Bobby’s still upset.
Greg: What’s he upset about?
Carol: Well, all the rest of you kids have won trophies for one thing or another.
Mike: And he’s the only one who hasn’t and it’s got him down.
Greg: Gee, I never thought about that.
Marcia: Me either.
Greg: It’s really got him bugged, huh.
Carol: Sure, that’s the reason he’s being such a…
Greg, Marcia and Mike: Stinker.
Carol (laughing): Stinker.
Mike: Well, I hope he wins at something soon. It’s the only thing he seems to have on his mind.
(That evening, Bobby is sleeping and has a dream he’s in the Dodgers.)
Announcer: It’s the last game in the World Series, and it’s up to Bobby Brady. Two out in the ninth, the series is all tied up. Can he do it? Can he pull it out of the bag for the Dodgers? (We see a shot of a batter (Bobby) hitting the ball) Bobby Brady did it! He hit his fifth home run of the game, a World Series record! The Dodgers win! (We next see Bobby being presented with a trophy) Bobby Brady, we present you with this trophy for the greatest performance on the baseball field in the history of the game.
Bobby (holding the trophy): That was nothing. Wait till next season.
(Bobby has another dream of being a speedboat driver.
Announcer: Can Bobby Brady do it? Can he come from last place, with a hole in his boat, not enough gas, and only a hundred yards left. (We show his speedboat picking up speed) Bobby Brady is making his move. He did it, it’s fantastic! Believe it or not, Bobby Brady won. (We see Bobby about to receive a new trophy) Bobby Brady, congratulations. You’re the world’s greatest speedboat driver.
Bobby: Sure looks that way.
(He get his trophy and then has another dream of being a ski jumper.)
Announcer: The last jumper of the day is Bobby Brady. Here he comes. He takes off like a bird. He’s flying, flying, still flying, he broke the world’s record! Bobby Brady wins! (Bobby comes out to receive his trophy) Bobby Brady, we present you with this trophy for being the best ski jumper who ever lived.
(Bobby wakes up and falls out of bed. He notices one of his brother’s trophies on the desk.)
Bobby (to himself): I just gotta getta trophy, I just gotta get one.
(The scene fades.)
(The next scene has Bobby in the family room. He is watching Kartoon King on television.)
Kartoon King: All right all you kiddies out there, this is Kartoon King reminding you to be sure and wash your ears good tonight because in case you dream, you want to hear what you’re dreaming about. You get it? (laughing) You can hear what you’re… Oh, I made that up myself. Oh, and I want to remind you to be sure to tune in tomorrow to Kartoon King because I’ve got a real wonderful announcement to make. A real special surprise. Well, so long, kids. Bye bye now.
(The doorbell rings. Alice comes in from the kitchen.)
Alice: Bobby, can you catch that? I can’t leave the kitchen. (He turns off the television, then runs to the door.) If you don’t time noodles just right, you’ve got a pot full of rubber bands.
(The doorbell rings and Bobby catches it. It’s a boy selling magazines.)
Boy: Your mother home?
Boy: Your father home?
Bobby: No. What do you want?
Boy: I’m selling magazines.
Bobby: Magazines? What kind?
Boy: All kinds. You wanna buy a subscription?
Bobby: Boy, you sure don’t know how to sell anything.
Boy: I do too.
Bobby: Then how come you give up so easy?
Boy: Why waste my time on you? I’m trying to win a contest.
Bobby: Contest, what kind?
Boy: For selling the most subscriptions.
Bobby: What’s the prize?
Boy: First prize is a college education, but I’d rather have the second prize, a mini-bike. Then there’s this trophy.
Bobby: All you have to do to win is sell dumb old magazines?
Boy: Uh-huh, and I’m going to win.
Bobby: Oh yeah, I bet I can sell more subscriptions than you.
Boy: I bet you couldn’t.
Bobby: I’ll prove it. How do I get in?
Boy: You got to send in an application?
Bobby: Where do I get one?
Boy: Out of one of these magazines. You want to have one?
(He reaches for a magazine but the boy stops him.)
Boy: That’ll be 35 cents.
(Bobby takes money out of his pocket. Carol comes into Mike’s den.)
Carol: Guess what I just bought.
Mike: Whatever it is, I would gladly exchange it for a plaster screw. I’m going to have to go to the hardware store. What’s that?
Carol: A subscription to a magazine.
Mike: Another magazine. Carol, this place is beginning to look like a dentist’s office.
Carol: Well, I’m sorry. I just couldn’t resist the salesman.
Mike (jealous): Oh really, Carol, hmmm.
Carol: Yeah, he’s got beautiful brown hair and big green eyes and he’s 4″3″.
Mike: The only person I know who’s 4’3″ is…
Carol: Yeah, he’s in a magazine selling contest. (She gets an idea) We do know an awful lot of people.
Mike (getting the idea): You mean, between the two of us, we could…
Carol: that’s exactly what I was thinking.
(They hug. Carol is on the phone with one of her friends.)
Carol: I really enjoyed lunch, Kathy. Yeah, I’ll have to get the recipe for that salad dressing. Listen, Kathy, uh, I’d like to ask you a little favor. Yeah, well, you know Bobby is selling subscriptions to a magazine.
Mike: Yeah, next Saturday’s great, I’ll meet you at the tee at 7:00 sharp. Oh, George, listen, I might just give you two strokes aside this time. Yeah, yeah, that’s right, two strokes aside. Yeah, and by the way, George, my son Bobby is selling magazines.
(Upstairs, Greg and Peter state they bought subscriptions from Bobby.)
Greg: You too? How many subscriptions did you take?
Peter: Just one, for the sports magazines. That’s all I could afford.
Greg: I ordered three magazines.
Peter: Three? Where did you get the money?
Greg: Dad raised my allowance.
(Marcia is in her room and Jan and Cindy come running in.)
Cindy: Marcia, will you lend me a dollar?
Jan: And me 70 cents?
Marcia: What for?
Jan: What else, I’m gonna order one of Bobby’s magazines.
Cindy: I’m taking two subscriptions to the same magazine.
Marcia: Why would you take two subscriptions to the same magazine?
Cindy: I guess Bobby’s a good salesman.
(Alice is in the kitchen waving a mop as Carol comes to see her.)
Carol (calling): Alice!
Alice: Yes, Mrs. Brady.
Carol (coming from the service porch): I’m very angry with you.
Alice: You are, what did I do?
Carol: Really, Alice. 6 subscriptions from Bobby.
Alice: Oh, that. I’m sorry Mrs. Brady. That’s all I could afford.
Carol: Oh, Alice.
(She laughs. Bobby is in his room counting his orders. Cindy comes in.)
Cindy: Can I trade one of my comic magazines for a beauty magazine?
Cindy: What are you doing?
Bobby: Straightening out my orders. Boy, am I a salesman. Wait until I tell Mom and Dad I sold magazines to a lot of their friends. Mr. Jackson and Mr. Morton.
Cindy: They know that.
Cindy: Because they told all of them that (Pause) Well, they just know.
Bobby: They told all of them what?
Cindy: Nothing, I think I hear Marcia calling me.
(She runs in her room.)
Bobby: They told all of them what?
(Downstairs, Carol is dressed up and ready to go out.)
Alice: Well, don’t you look pretty.
Carol: Oh, thanks, Alice. We should be home fairly early.
Mike (calling): Carol!
Carol: I’m coming, dear. (to Alice) Now listen, Alice, if you need us, the Baxters number is in the book, okay?
Carol: Good night, dear.
Alice: Good night, have fun.
(Carol runs to the living room to join Mike.)
Mike: Honey, we’re 15 minutes late.
Carol: Oh, I’m sorry, dear.
Bobby (coming down the stairs): Mom, Dad, these subscriptions belong to you.
Carol: I don’t understand.
Bobby (upset): you called up all your friends and told them to buy subscriptions from me.
Mike: Well, I suppose that’s true. But you sold the magazines to them.
Bobby: No I didn’t, you did, because you don’t think I can win anything on my own.
Carol: Oh, honey, yes we do.
Bobby: I’ll win something on my own or else I won’t win at all.
(He throws the subscriptions on the floor and storms upstairs on the verge of tears.)
Carol: You know, Mike, I think we made a mistake.
Mike: Well, honey, parents can be human, too.
(The next day, Bobby is in the family room watching Kartoon King and wearing his alligator mask.)
Kartoon King: Okay, all you kids out there in my Kartoon Kingdom, who likes ice cream? If you do, shout me.
Kartoon King: What’s your favorite flavor?
Bobby (lifting his mask): Strawberry.
Kartoon King: Oh, everybody who said chocolate, raise your hand.
(He blows a raspberry.)
Kartoon King: Oh, no matter. Whether you like chocolate or what flavor, you like ice cream and you are going to enter our contest of eating ice cream. Now, that means that we’re looking for the boy or the girl who can eat ice cream faster than anyone else.
Bobby: I can eat it fast.
Kartoon King (cackling): What fun. And the winner will receive my Kartoon King golden scoop trophy, plus, all the ice cream you can eat for a whole yummy year.
(He rubs his stomach.)
Bobby: Wow, a whole year?
Kartoon King: Now, the first six kids out there who call me at the station are going to get picked for our great delicious lick-off. Here’s the telephone number. Are you ready, kids?
Kartoon King: Listen. 555-6161, and if that’s a toll call, it’s still 555-6161. Get on those phones and make them hum.
(Bobby gets on the phone and dials. He makes a mistake and hangs up. He dials again.)
Bobby: Kartoon King show? My name is Bobby Brady, and can I eat ice cream fast.
(Next, Bobby is leaving with Carol and Mike for the contest. Alice and the rest of the kids are seeing him off.)
Carol: Come on, Bobby honey, we’re going to be late.
Greg (shouting): Good luck, Bobby.
Marcia: Have a good time!
Jan: You’ll win!
Alice: You can out lick them, Bobby.
Marcia: You’ll do it, Bobby!
Jan: You sure can!
Bobby (getting in the car): Don’t worry, I’ll win.
(The kids continue to cheer him on as they drive off.)
(Down at the station, Bobby and the other kids in the contest are getting ready as Kartoon King and his crew are about to start the show. Kartoon King hands a crewman his glass of water.)
Kartoon King: My water, take my water. Oh, my scepter, bring me my scepter.
(A camera man yelled they had 10 seconds to go.)
Kartoon King: 10 seconds? Phew!
(Meanwhile, Carol is helping Bobby get ready. Bobby accidentally gets ice cream on his plastic smock.)
Bobby: Ew, yuck.
Carol: Oh, that’s okay, honey. Good luck honey.
(A trumpet sound signals the show is starting. The Kartoon King looks at the camera and speaks.)
Kartoon King: Hi there, boys and girls out in Kartoon Kingdom. It’s time for our ice cream eating contest. You’re going to have a lot of fun today, I know. And, the one who finishes his dish first is going to win this great big Kartoon King golden scoop trophy. What fun! Ha-ha, how about that, kids, huh? Well, now, and for one whole yummy year, all the ice cream the winner can eat. (He turns to the kids) Okay, kids, are we ready? are we ready? All right then, on your mark, get set, and… hold it just a minute. (He noticed all the kids had spoons) Where did you get these spoons? No spoons allowed in this contest. No, sir. (He looks at the camera) Right, kids? Ha-ha, oh, yeah. No spoons allowed in this contest at all. (He turns to Bobby, who is seated at the end of the table) Why, it isn’t any fun eating ice cream with a spoon.
Bobby: How are we supposed to eat it?
Kartoon King: Well, that’s a good question, and I’ve got a good answer. With your mouth. (He looks at the camera again) Ha-ha, with your mouth, right kids? Ha-ha, all right, here we go then, everybody ready? On your mark, get ready, get set, get ready and, oh, hold it, hold it. (He notices the kids are about to dig their hands in the ice cream) I forgot again. Hands behind your backs everybody. (They put their hands behind them) That’s it. All the way behind your backs, that’s it. Put your hands, that’s good, all right. I think we’re ready now. (Alice and the kids are watching from home) On your mark, get ready, hands behind your back, get set, and, hold it just a minute! I really forgot something this time. Oh. (He gets some whipped cream and adds it to the ice cream) Look at this, oh. look, isn’t this beautiful? That looks just good enough to eat, doesn’t it. Oh, isn’t that great? All right then, all right, kids, are you all ready? Are you ready? All right, here we go then, on your mark, get ready, all your hands behind your backs? Good. Get set, go!
(Bobby and the other kids start eating the ice cream while the kids and Alice watch from the family room, as well as Carol and Mike from the side of the set. They play carnival music while they show Bobby and the kids eating as fast as they can. Suddenly, one kid raises his hand.)
Kartoon Kid: Hold it! Hold it! We have a winner. (to the winning kid) Well, hey, you are some eater. (Someone hands him the trophy to present to the kid) Your whole mouth, right kids?
(He follows the remark with a horselaugh as the kids and Alice look on with anguish, as do Mike and Carol. Bobby sits there glumly with his mouth covered with chocolate and dripping from his chin.)
Bobby (to himself): I lost, again.
(Mike, Carol and Bobby are returning home from the contest. They are surprised to see all the lights are out.)
Carol: Hey, that’s strange. Looks like everybody’s out of the house.
Bobby: They didn’t want to stay home and see a loser.
Mike: Now that’ll do, Bob.
(They enter the house and turn on the light.)
Mike: Anybody home?
Carol: Gee, I wonder where everybody went.
(They head toward the living room.)
(Greg and Peter turn one of the lights on and yell surprise. Marcia and Jan do the same, as do Alice and Cindy. Then they all come to greet Bobby and congratulate him. )
Bobby: Don’t you know I lost? Didn’t you watch?
Marcia: We know, we saw the show.
Bobby: Then what are you congratulating me for?
(Greg pulls out a trophy.)
Greg: Well, we got this for you.
Bobby: A trophy, what for?
Peter: Read what’s on it?
Bobby (reading): To our brother Bobby, for trying harder than anyone we know. We’re proud of him. Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Cindy. (He looks up at them) Are you really proud of me?
All the kids: Sure!
Greg: Sure we are.
Bobby (excited): Boy, this is the best trophy in the world.
Cindy: Can we start the party now before the ice cream melts?
(She points to the dinner table, with ice cream and a note stating for our brother the champ.)
Bobby (disgusted): Ice cream? Ick.
(The scene fades.)
(The final scene has Mike and Carol in the kitchen, drinking coffee.)
Carol: Well, we managed to survive another crisis.
Mike: That should take care of the trophies around here for a while.
Alice: There’s another one I’d like to contribute to the household collection, Mr. Brady.
(She shows them a trophy she won long before.)
Mike: Hey Alice, that’s a beauty. Where did you win that?
Alice: High school.
Carol: Let me see. (She takes the trophy and reads) Westdale High School, 19, I can’t make out the date.
Alice (proudly): I know. It was easier before I used the steel wool on it.
(Mike takes it.)
Mike: Let’s see. Alice Nelson, first place school modern dance contest?
Carol: Hey Alice, that’s great. Why didn’t you tell us you were such a good dancer?
Alice: Well, actually, I didn’t know it myself. You’d be surprised at the moves you make when the elastic breaks in your gym bloomers.
(Mike and Carol laugh.)