S5 E20 The Snooperstar

The Snooperstar

Written by Harry Winkler

Marcia teaches Cindy a lesson after she catches her reading her diary. I hope you enjoy the script.













(The episode begins with Peter out in the backyard, working on his bicycle. Bobby comes out to see him.)

Bobby: Hey Pete, I need that two dollars you owe me.

Peter: Sure, I’ll pay you back next week.

Bobby: But you said you’d pay you back this week.

Peter: That’s because Mark Saylon promised to pay me back last week. You’ll get it. don’t you trust me?

Bobby: No.

Peter (offended): Bobby, we’re brothers! Blood relatives!

Bobby: it’s not my fault we’re relatives.

(Cindy comes by.)

Cindy: Hi.

Peter: Hi.

Cindy: I heard you mention the word relative. Were you talking about me?

Bobby: Why in the world would we be talking about you?

Cindy: Well, if you weren’t talking about me, why did you stop talking when I came over?

Peter: Because if we wanted you to know what we were talking about, we wouldn’t have stopped talking about it. (to Bobby) Right?

Bobby: Right.

(She walks away and into the house. Greg is on the phone.)

Greg: Sounds great, Maxine. Sure, count me in. I’ll be there. That’s wild. (Cindy starts looking through some magazines and Greg is laughing) I should never expect that. Eh, hold on a second. (to Cindy) Is there something you wanted?

Cindy: No.

Greg: Do you mind? This is a private conversation.

Cindy: About me, maybe?

Greg: No, Cindy, it’s not about you.

Cindy: Then why can’t I listen.

Greg: I told you, it’s personal.

Cindy: Yeah, but am I the person that it’s personal about.

Greg (sternly): Cindy, out.

(She goes up to her room. Marcia is writing in her diary. When she sees Cindy, she stops writing and shuts it.)

Cindy: By any chance, were you writing about me in your diary?

Marcia: No, Cindy.

Cindy: Then why did you salm it shut like that?

Marcia: Because a diary happens to be personal.

Cindy: Well, if you weren’t writing about me, can I look?

Marcia: No.

Cindy: Someday when I get a diary, I’ll let you look.

Marcia; Thanks, Cindy.

Cindy: And as long as I’m letting you look, how about letting me look.

Marcia: Cindy.

(Cindy leaves the room and Marcia puts her diary away. She goes into the boys’ room and sees Oliver. He is laying on the top bunk and reading.)

Cindy: Oliver, do you know something about me that I don’t know?

Oliver: Not that I know of.

Cindy: Something funny’s going on in this house, and I’m gonna find out just what it is. Do you want to help me do some detective work?

Oliver (excited): Me, a detective?

Cindy: Shh, not so loud.

Oliver: Do I get to wear a badge?

Cindy: Not in this case. We’re private eyes.

Oliver: Wow, I ought to be a good private eye. I got four of them.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has mike getting dressed for work. She is choosing which tie to wear. Carol comes out from the bathroom.)

Carol (looking at one of the ties): Oh, how about this one. It’s my favorite.

Mike: Well, I’m not so sure it’s right for the day. No, I better choose thi one.

Carol: What’s so special about today?

Mike: A meeting with a client.

Carol: What is he, a tie freak?

Mike: Not a he, it’s a she.

Carol: Oh. What kind of a she is she?

Mike: Well, I tell you. Visualize the face of Liz Taylor. The body of Raquel Welch. And the bank account of Queen Elizabeth.

Carol: Poor thing. Too bad she’s a loser.

Mike: Uh huh. Detect a little note of jealousy there?

Carol: No. I was planning to spend the day at your office anyway.

(She takes his tie and tightens it around him.)

Mike: Hold it. Now listen, I was just kidding. Rich, she is. But any resemblance to Liz Taylor and Raquel Welch are totally nonexistent.

carol: Oh, that’s better.

(They kiss. There is a knock on the door.)

Mike: Come in.

(cindy and Oliver enter the room.)

Cindy: Mom, Dad, is there something going on around here that I should know about?

Mike: Like what?

Oliver: Well, that’s the part she doesn’t know about.

Carol: There’s nothing I know about that I think you should know about. (to Mike) Is there anything you know about that she should know about?

Mike: Nothing I know about?

Cindy: Are you sure?

Mike: Oh, listen, there is something I know about that you should know about.

Cindy and Oliver (in unison): What?

Mike: It’s school time and you’re late. Split.

(They leave the room.)

Carol: Bye.

Cindy: Bye.

Oliver: Bye. (They go out in the hall) Boy, we sure didn’t learn anything.

Cindy: We sure didn’t. I’ve got an idea.

Oliver: What?

Cindy: All the other kids left for school. Now you stand by, and I’ll see if Marcia wrote about me in her diary.

Oliver: Okay. What do I do if somebody comes by.

Cindy: Just whistle.

Oliver: Okay.

(She goes in the room while Oliver stands there. She takes Marcia’s diary out of the drawer and reads. Alice comes by and Oliver tries to whistle, but fails miserably.)

Alice: What are you trying to do, Oiver?

Oliver: I’m trying to whistle.

Alice: Oh, it’s easy. Just pucker up a little bit more. (She tries whistling but doesn’t do much better) Try it this way. (She does her signature whistle through her teeth)

Oliver: Gee, that’s terrific. Thanks, Alice.

(Cindy comes outside.)

Cindy: Oh, hi, Alice.

Alice: Hi. If you want to learn how to whistle, just check with me after school. Okay.

Oliver: Thanks, but I don’t need to learn anymore.

(Alice gives a puzzled look and walks away.)

Oliver (whispering): What did you find out?

Cindy: Nothing. She didn’t even mention me in her diary. It wa sjust some dumb poem she wrote.

Oliver: Well, I found out something.

Cindy: What?

Oliver: I don’t know how to whistle.

(Cut to Mike’s office. Mike is dealing with a very difficult client named Penelope Fletcher.)

Penelope: You are aware of the importance of my business to your firm, Mr. Brady.

Mike: Oh, I am, Ms. Fletcher. Yes.

Penelope: And you’re aware that I always do business with the president of your firm, Mr. Matthews, himself.

Mike: Yes, yes.

Penelope: I only agreed to deal with you because Mr. Matthews recommended you so highly.

Mike: I appreciate your confidence.

Penelope: And because he was gonna be out of town.

Mike: Ms. Fletcher, I’m sure these plans for the Penelope Fletcher Cultural Center are gonna be exactly what you wanted.

Penelope: I regret to tell you that they’re exactly what I don’t want.

Mike: Well, I drew the plans according to your specifications.

Penelope: I don’t care about specifications.

Mike: Well, I could show you my notes.

Penelope: Well, I’m not interested in notes. All I’m interested in is a design that will make the Penelope Fletcher Cultural Center a monument to its benefactor.

Mike: Well, uh, Ms. Fletcher.

Penelope: I will be leaving town Thursday night, Mr. Brady. You have until then to create a design that will be suitable. Otherwise, I shall take my business elsewhere.

(Back at home, Marcia is telling Jan about Cindy looking in her diary.)

Marcia: Not only is this bookmark in the wrong place, but I always keep my diary back under my phone book.

Jan: You really think someone’s been snooping.

Marcia: Positive, and I think the guilty party sleeps right in this room.

Jan: Hey, I sleep in this room.

Marcia: Jan, you don’t need to peek in my diary. I’m always reading it to you anyway.

Jan: Yeah, that’s true. But you can’t just come out and accuse Cindy of snooping. Not without proof.

Marcia: I’ll get proof. I’ll use a little bait and I’ll trap her.

Cindy (from the hallway): Hey. See you later, Oliver.

Jan: Get the cheese ready. Here comes the mouse.

(Cindy comes in and Marcia and Jan pretend to be looking in her diary and laughing. Marcia puts it back in the drawer.)

Marcia (to Jan): I’ll read the rest of it to you later. See you, Cindy, we’re going to the library.

(They leave the room and then enter Peter and Bobby’s room.)

Marcia: Passing through.

Jan: We got to use the bathroom.

Peter: You got a door on your side.

Marcia; it’s stuck.

(They close the bathroom door behind them.)

Bobby (to Peter): Now I know why hermits want to be hermits.

(They open the door to their room through the bathroom. They see Cindy reading the diary. They look at each other and shut the door.)

Marcia: what did I tell you?

Jan: Let’s catch her in the act.

Marcia: No. I’d rather teach her a good lsson for snooping.

Jan: How?

Marcia: Well, by writing something special in my diary. Something that will drive Cindy bananas.

(They laugh and then leave the bathroom and into the boys’ room.)

Marcia: Passing through.

Bobby: What is this, a freeway?

Jan: Oh, we just couldn’t stand being away from you two beautiful people.

(Peter puts a chair in front of the door to block them from coming in again.)

(Downstairs, Carol is in the kitchen making dinner and Mike comes in.)

Carol: Hi, honey.

Mike (bitterly): I’ve never met a more aggravating woman in my entire life.

Carol: Well, forget what i was gonna ask you.

Mike: What?

Carol: How did it go at the office?

(Mike pauses, then tells his story.)

Mike: I’d like to call up Penelope Fletcher and tell her to…

Carol: Mike, what will happen if you blow the account?

Mike: I said I’d like to, I didn’t say i was going to.

Carol: Honey, why don’t you try reverse psychology. Mark Twain once said make friends with your enemies, it’ll drive them crazy.

Mike: Mark Twain never met Penelope Fletcher.

Carol: Mike.

Mike: Okay, but she just gained a friend, but you just lost a husband.

Carol: How come?

Mike: Because I’m gonna have to work night and day to come up with an acceptable plan by Thursday.

(Cindy looks in Marcia’s diary again.)

Marcia (in words she wrote): Something fantastic might be happening for Cindy. I don’t dare tell her because I don’t want her to get her hopes up too high. But I told all the other kids and Alice and I swore them to secrecy. More later.

(She puts the diary back and runs in the hall to tell Oliver.)

Cindy (excited): Something fantastic is gonna happen to me.

Oliver: What?

Cindy: I don’t know.

Oliver: Then how are we gonna find out?

Cindy: Well, Alice and the other kids know so we’ll cross-examine them.

Oliver: Well, won’t they get suspicious?

Cindy: Not if they don’t know we’re cross-examining them.

Oliver: Oh.

(Alice comes by with some shirts.)

Alice: What’s this, a secret conference?

Cindy: Oh, hi, Alice. Got some shirts there?

Alice: Yeah, I got some shirts, got some socks.

Oliver: Any secrets?

Alice: Secrets? What kind of secrets?

Cindy: Oh, a certain secret about to certain someone, who something fantastic is going to happen to.

Alice: Well, as a matter of fact, something fantastic is going to happen.

Cindy: What?

Alice: One of my goldfish is an expectant mother.

Oliver: Well, what’s so fantastic about that?

Alice: The mother to be is named Herman.

(She goes up to the attic to see Greg. Oliver starts to laugh.)

Oliver: Got any other brilliant ideas?

Cindy: Yeah, come on.

Oliver (defiantly): Now, wait a minute, what are you doing?

Cindy: You’ll see.

(They go into the closet. Alice comes in Greg’s room.)

Alice: Knock knock, Greg. Got some shirts for you, and some socks.

Greg: Thanks, Alice.

(Cindy takes a ladder to listen in on Greg and Alice.)

Cindy: We can hear everything that goes on in Greg’s room through this air vent.

Oliver: But, is it right to listen in?

Cindy: Sure, if they’re talking about me.

(Alice notices Greg looks depressed.)

Alice: From the look on your face, I’d say you have a problem.

Greg: I do. What would you do if you had two dates for the same night?

Alice: I’d faint.

Greg: Seriously, I’m in a real bind.

Alice: Yeah, I see your problem.

Greg: The problem is I don’t want either girl to get hurt.

Alice: Then why don’t you tell them both the truth.

Greg: Truth? Why tell a girl the truth?

(Alice throws the sock on his bed and leaves.)

Cindy: Another blind outing. Not a word about me.

Oliver: Boy, detectives on television never have it this hard.

Cindy: Maybe we can get something out of Peter and Bobby.

(Peter and Bobby are in the garage. They get their bikes to ride off.)

Peter: Here’s a down payment on the two bucks I owe you. Now, stop bugging me.

Bobby (frustrated): Only a quarter.

Peter (sarcastically): I’ll give you an I.O.U. for the rest.

Bobby: Whoever said it was right. Never lend money to a relative.

(Cindy and Oliver listen from outisde.)

Cindy: Nothing.

Oliver: What do we do now?

Cindy: Wait till tomorrow and see if Marcia writes anything else about me in her diary.

Oliver: Okay.

(Next, Marcia is in her room writing in her diary. Jan comes in the room.)

Jan: Hi.

Marcia: Hi. Boy, have I got an idea. This is gonna drive Cindy absolutely apes.

Jan: That’s the next step. She’s bananas already. (Marcia laughs) What’s the idea?

Marcia: Well, you know how she loves watching those old Shirley Temple movies on TV?

Jan: Do I ever. She thinks Shirley Temple’s the greatest.

Marcia: Right. Well, wait till Cindy reads this.

(We next see Cindy reading Marcia’s diary. Marcia’s voice says what she had written.)

Marcia: I talked to that talent scout again. The studio people loved the photo of Cindy I submitted. (Marcia and Jan look on from the bathroom) Wouldn’t it be fabulous if they picked Cindy to be the new Shirley Temple they’re looking for in that movie?

Cindy: The new Shirley Temple? (She gets up and looks in the mirror) Cindy Brady, the new Shirley Temple.

Jan (to Marcia): She’s hooked.

Marcia: But if you think she’s hooked now, wait till she reads the next entry.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Cindy coming in the room with Oliver.)

Cindy: I don’t want to get caught, so keep your eyes and your ears open.

Oliver: I’ll keep everything open.

(He goes into the hallway as Cindy takes Marcia’s diary and reads it. Again, we hear Marcia’s voice as she reads the words she wrote.)

Marcia: Cindy’s chances of starring in that movie are great. One of these days the talent scout is going to come over to the house to observe Cindy anonymously. I sure hope Cindy can sing and dance like Shirley Temple.

(She puts it back in the drawer and runs out in the hall to tell Oliver.)

Cindy: Oliver, the talent scout’s coming over here to see me anonymously!

Oliver (excited): Wow, that’s super!

Cindy: But I have to buy a Shirley Temple record album.

Oliver: What for?

Cindy: I have to start being Shirley Temple right away.

(The next scene has Cindy and Oliver asking Alice to borrow money.)

Alice: You need the money right now?

Cindy: Uh huh. I would ask Mom or Dad, but they’re not home, and this is a real emergency.

Alice: Well, I think we can float a small loan.

Oliver: And you don’t have to be worried about being paid back. Cindy’s gonna be rich and famous.

Alice: Oh, how’s that gonna happen?

Cindy: Alice, you don’t have to pretend anymore.

Alice: Pretend what?

Oliver: What you’re pretending.

Alice: What am I pretending?

Cindy: The same thing all the other kids are pretending.

Alice: What are they pretending?

Oliver: The same thing you’re pretending.

Alice (sarcastically): Oh, I’m certainly glad we got that cleared up. How much of a loan do you need?

Cindy: How much does a children’s record album cost/

Alice: Children’s record album?

Cindy: Mmm hmm, starring, you know who.

Alice: Is that the name of a new group?

Oliver: There she goes pretending again?

Alice: Pretending what?

Oliver: What you were pretending?

Alice: I’m not pretending (she gives a frustrated look) Just being me the change, would you?

Cindy: Thanks.

Oliver: Bye.

(Alice gives a confused look as Jan comes in her room.)

Jan: Marcia.

Marcia: Yeah.

Jan: Marcia, late bulletin. Cindy read your diary again.

Marcia: How did you find that out?

Jan: Indirectly from Alice. She wanted to borrow money to buy a record album starring you know who.

Marcia (laughing): Shirley Temple.

(They laugh hysterically. Greg comes in the room.)

Greg: Marcia, you’re supposed to return a book when you borrow it.

Marcia: Sorry Greg, it’s on the desk.

Jan: Can you imagine her learning those songs?

(They laugh some more.)

Greg: What’s so funny?

Marcia: Should we tell him?

Jan: Too good to keep.

Greg: Tell me what?

Marcia: It’s about Cindy.

Greg: What about her?

Jan: She thinks she’s gonna be… (laughing)

Greg: She thinks she’s gonna be what? Come on.

(Marcia tries to tell him but can’t stop laughing.)

Marcia: She thinks she’s gonna be the new Shirley Temple.

(They laugh some more.)

Greg (surprised): Shirley Temple?

(Mike comes home and sees Carol in the kitchen.)

Mike: Hi.

Carol: Hi, honey. (She kisses him) Uh oh, you got that Penelope Fletcher look again. What happened?

Mike: Well, she moved up the deadline on the plans. I don’t even have till Thursday to complete them.

Carol: When do you have to have them finished?

Mike: Tonight. She’s dropping by to pick them up on the way to the airport. She traded in her broom for a plane.

(Peter and Bobby are outside playing football.)

Bobby: Okay, go.

(Peter runs and Bobby throws to him.)

Peter: Almost.

(Bobby and Oliver come by with the record album.)

Peter: Hey, what’s in the bag?

Cindy; A record album.

Bobby: What kind?

Cindy: A round kind.

Olver: With a hole in the middle.

Bobby: Ha ha, very funny. (He tries to grab it) Let’s see it.

(She grabs it back.)

Peter: What’s the big secret?

Cindy: You know what the secret is.

Oliver: Yeah, and you guys better treat Cindy nice. She’s gonna be rich and famous, and I’m gonna help her.

Peter: What are you two gonna do, rip off a bank?

Bobby: Yeah, Bonnie and Clyde.

(They laugh.)

Cindy: Very funny.

Oliver: Yeah.

(Upstairs, Cindy is in her room. She shows Oliver the album.)

Cindy: Look closely. Do you see any resemblance?

Oliver: Well, you’re both girls.

Cindy: Yeah, but I bet if I curled my hair the same way, I’d bet we’d look a lot more alike. I got to learn these songs.

(Alice comes in the room.)

Alice: Hi, kids. Dinner’s gonna be a little late tonight. Your father’s got a very important client coming over tonight.

Cindy: An important client?

Alice: Yeah, I guess she’s something pretty special, so, be on your best behavior, will you?

(She leaves.)

Cindy (excited): You hear that, Oliver?

Oliver: Yeah.

Cindy: You know what it means?

Oliver: No.

Alice: It means that that client she’s talking about is really the talent scout that’s coming over to see me anonymously.

Oliver: It’s a good thing we bought that record.

Cindy: Yeah, now I got to really hurry and learn these songs. (She takes the record out to play) Just think, Oliver. Tonight, a star is born.

Oliver: Wow.

(Next, Jan and Marcia come see Cindy.)

Jan: Hey, Cindy, would you like to go to the library with us before dinner?

Cindy: Not me. I’m not giving up my whole career just for a walk to the library.

Marcia: What’s that supposed to mean?

Cindy: You don’t have to pretend anymore. I know all about the talent scout that’s coming over tonight to see me.

Jan: What?

Marcia: Tonight?

Cindy: I got to confess, I peeked in your diary and I know everything. That client Dad’s talking about is really the anonymous talent scout.

Marcia: You’re wrong, Cindy.

Cindy: I told you, you don’t have to pretend anymore.

Marcia: Look. Now, I’ve got a confession to make. I made up all those things in my diary just to teach you a lesson for snooping.

Cindy (sarcastically): Sure you did.

Jan: It’s the truth, Cindy. That woman that’s coming over here tonight is really a client of Dad’s.

Cindy: You’re just saying that so I won’t get my hopes up too high.

Marcia: Honest, Cindy, we’re not. That whole business about Shirley Temple is a put on.

Cindy: A put on, hey.

Marcia: Right, just to teach you a lesson. Do you understand?

Cindy: Yeah, I understand.

Marcia: Good. Now, don’t do anything.

Cindy: I won’t.

(They leave. Cindy goes into the bathroom.)

Cindy: Put on, huh. (She takes some stuff out and starts to fix her hair) Get ready, Shirley.

(Mike and Carol are in their room. They are preparing for Penelope Fletcher’s visit.)

Carol: Mike, now promise me you won’t get upset when Ms. Fletcher comes over for the plans. Okay?

Mike: Oh, I promise. If she’s sour, I’ll ignore her, if she’s disagreeable, I’ll smile, and if she’s insulting, I’ll laugh.

Carol: Good.

Mike: And then I’ll throw her out of the house.

(Downstairs, the doorbell rings and Alice answers it. It is Ms. Fletcher.)

Penelope: I’m Penelope Fletcher.

Alice: Good evening. Come in. Mr. and Mrs. Brady weren’t expecting you quite so soon. I’ll tell them you’re here.

Penelope: Thank you.

Alice: Is there anything I can get for you in the meanwhile?

Penelope: Yes, Mr. Brady. I’m in a hurry.

Alice: Yes, ma’am.

(She finds a picture of the kids on the coffee table.)

Penelope (counting): One, two, three, four, five, six? Dear.

(Cindy appears. She happily runs down the stairs, much to Ms. Fletcher’s surprise.)

Cindy: Good evening.

Penelope: And who might you be?

Cindy: I’m Cindy Brady. I’m the one you came to see.

Penelope: You’re the one I came to see?

Cindy: Yeah, you don’t have to pretend anymore. I know all about you. You’re anonymous.

Penelope: Indeed.

Cindy (singing): On the good ship lollipop, it’s a nice trip to the candy shop, where bom boms play, on the sunny beach in peppermint bay, boom, boom, boom. Lemonade stands every where, cracker jack bands fill the air, and there you are, happy landings on a chocolate bar.

(Carol and Mike come down the stairs and they see Cindy, along with Ms. Fletcher, singing in duet.)

Cindy and Penelope: Every where, cracker jack bands fill the air, and there you are, happy landings on a chocolate bar. See the sugar bowl do the tootsie roll With the big bad devil’s food cake
If you eat too much, ooh-ooh, you’re awake with a tummy ache. On the good ship lollipop
It’s a night trip, into bed you hop and dream away on the good ship lollipop.

(She almost loses her balance but is okay. Mike and Carol come in the living room.)

Mike: Ms. Fletcher, I don’t think you met my wife, Carol.

Penelope: How do you do?

Mike: Carol, Penelope Fletcher.

Carol: Hello, Ms. Fletcher. Cindy, what are you doing in that get up?

Cindy: This was my big chance so I got all dressed up.

Carol: What for?

Penelope: This child seems to be under the impression that I’m a talent scout looking for a new Shirley Temple.

Mike: A talent scout?

Carol: Shirley Temple?

Penelope: Oh, the cherished memory she just brought back. Shirley Temple, that adorable, little golden hair type. How I adored her. What a marvelous time of life I just relived. Oh, I’m sorry to get so carried away. I have a plane to catch. Good bye (to Cindy) Good bye, dear little curly top, thank you, thank you for a wonderful evening.

Mike: Ms. Fletcher, the plans. (He hands them to her)

Penelope: Oh, yes.

Mike: I think it’s exactly what you want.

Penelope: Oh, it doesn’t matter anyway.

(She leaves singing the song over again.)

Carol (to Cindy): Young lady, there better be a good explanation for this.

Cindy: That’s what I was just thinking.

(Mike and Carol are talking to the girls in the family room.)

Mike: You know, just because this had a happy ending doesn’t make it right to snoop. Now, is that clear, Cindy?

Cindy: Yeah, I learned my lesson. I’m not gonna snoop anymore.

Marcia: We’re finished with tricks like that, too.

Jan: We sure are.

Carol: Okay, let’s keep it that way.

(The girls leave the family room.)

Carol (to Mike): I hope you learned your lesson, too.

Mike: What’s that?

Carol: Well, next time you have to deal with Penelope Fletcher, just do your Shirley Temple imitation.

(Mike laughs. They both sing the first line to On The Good Ship Lollipop. The scene fades.)

(The final scene has Marcia studying in the family room. Cindy comes in.)

Cindy: Hi, Marcia.

Marcia: Hi.

Cindy: Here’s a present for you.

Marcia: A present? Wow.

(She opens it and finds it is a diary.)

Marcia: Cindy, I appreciate it, but I already got a diary.

Cindy: Not one with a lock on it.

Marcia: What do i need a lock for? You said you weren’t gonna snoop anymore.

Cindy: Yeah, but it’s a girl’s privilege to change her mind, and I’m afraid I might.

(The scene fades.)


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