S5 E17 Welcome Aboard

Welcome Aboard

Written by Larry Rhine and Al Schwartz

Carol’s nephew, Oliver, moves in with the Bradys. Much to the chagrin of the kids. I hope you enjoy the script.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MIKE BRADY

CAROL BRADY

ALICE NELSON

GREG BRADY

MARCIA BRADY

PETER BRADY

JAN BRADY

BOBBY BRADY

CINDY BRADY

COUSIN OLIVER

MR. DOUGLAS, manager of movie studio

DIRECTOR

KEYSTONE COP

TRUCK DRIVERS

(The episode begins with Mike coming home from work. Bobby and Cindy are playing checkers in the family room.)

Mike: Hi, kids. Who’s winning?

Bobby: I’ll give you a hint. Me.

Mike: Uh, hang in there, Cindy.

(He comes into the kitchen and sees Carol.)

Carol: Hi, honey. (They kiss) Did you have a good day?

Mike: Oh, about the same as usual. How about you?

Carol: Well, not quite as usual as usual.

Mike: That’s unusual. Wanna tell me what made it not as usual as usual?

Carol: Well, I merely found out we’re gonna have an addition to the family.

Mike (shocked): We’re gonna have a what?

Carol: Well, six kids plus one kid equals seven kids.

(Bobby and Cindy hear this while Mike is too overwhelmed to speak.)

Carol; Well, aren’t you gonna say something?

Mike: My mouth is willing but the rest of me is too numb to co-operate. Honey, are you sure? I mean, are you really sure?

Carol: Positive. Are you sure that a man in your condition should be carrying that heavy briefcase?

(They walk to the living room.)

Bobby (to Cindy): Did you hear that? Mom’s gonna have a baby.

Bobby (excited): Wow, wait till the other kids find out.

(The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Mike and Carol in the living room.)

Carol: Kinda shocked, aren’t you.

Mike: I didn’t even see a jar of pickles in the living room. When are we expecting?

Carol: Tomorrow, and it’s gonna be a boy.

Mike: Okay, Carol. Come on, what’s really going on here?

Carol: Oh, honey, I was just trying to be funny, but we are gonna have an addition to the family. That is, if you approve.

Mike: What did the kids bring home this time, a stray elephant?

Carol (laughing): No, it’s my nephew, Oliver. Can he come and stay with us for a while?

Mike: Oliver, how come?

Carol: Jack’s being sent to South America on an engineering project, and he’s taking Pauline with him.

Mike: Can’t they take Oliver with him?

Carol: Well, they wanted to very much, but it’s a jungle area and there aren’t any schools. Honey, after all, Oliver is 8.

Mike: Yeah.

Carol: Well, what do you think?

Mike: I think I’ll get some 8 year old cigars to pass out at the office.

(Cindy goes upstairs to tell Marcia, Jan and Alice.)

Cindy (excited): I got the most fantastic secret in the whole world!

Marcia: Cindy, we’re doing our homework.

Jan: Can’t your secret wait.

Cindy: Only for nine months.

Alice: What’s that supposed to mean?

Cindy: It means that Mom’s gonna have a baby.

Alice: A baby?

Jan: What?

Marcia: How did you find that out?

Cindy: Well, my ears just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I heard her tell Dad.

Jan: That’s really wild.

Marcia: Super.

Alice: It’ll be like old times. I used to be a pretty good burper.

Marcia: We better not let Mom know we know until she wants us to know. You know?

Jan: Yeah, you understand, Cindy?

Cindy: Mmm mmm.

Alice: I’ll sum it up for you in two words, sweetheart.

Cindy: What?

Alice: Don’t blab.

(They all laugh.)

Jan: A baby.

Marcia: I can’t believe it.

(Bobby goes up to the attic to tell Greg and Peter. They are practicing guitar.)

Bobby: Hey you guys, have I got great news!

Greg: What?

Bobby: Mom is gonna have a baby.

Greg: A baby?

Peter: Are you sure?

Bobby (raising his hand): May I never read a comic book again.

Peter: He’s sure!

Bobby: But don’t tell Mom I told you, huh.

Greg: Okay. (Bobby runs out) What do you know?

Peter: Wow, a baby. Here. (He hands Greg the guitar) I can’t practice at a time like this, I’m an expectant brother.

(He runs out of the room excited while Greg rocks the guitar. Carol and Alice are in the kitchen. Carol prepares to take a bowl of salad to the dinner table.)

Alice (stopping her): Ehh, don’t do that, Mr. Brady.

Carol: Why not, Alice?

Alice: Well, salad for nine is a lot, and I used a very heavy dressing.

(Alice brings the bowl out and a clueless Carol goes to get plates. Marcia and Jan come in.)

Marcia: Mom, you shouldn’t be doing that.

Jan: Let us set the table. Take it easy.

Carol (confused): Are you two volunteering to help? Are you sure you’re feeling all right?

Marcia: That’s the question we should be asking you.

(Alice comes back to the kitchen.)

Carol: Alice, is there something going on around here that I should know about?

Alice: Well, if you don’t know about it, Mrs. Brady, nobody does.

Carol: What do you mean?

Alice: Nothing.

(Bobby and Cindy come in.)

Cindy: Hi, Mom.

Carol: Hi.

Bobby: You look great.

Cindy: Better than you ever did.

Carol: Okay, this is beginning to sound like operation snow job. Did report cards come in today?

Cindy: Mmm mmm.

Bobby: We just want you to know how happy we are about you looking so good.

(They take off.)

Carol: Alice, what’s for dessert?

Alice: Why, did you have a craving for something special? Watermelon alamode, maybe?

Carol: Watermelon alamode? That is a weird combination, Alice.

Alice: Yeah, but did you have a craving for it?

Carol: Okay, I demand to know what’s going on around here.

Alice: Well, if you insist, Mrs. Brady, we know about the new family addition and we’re all very happy about it.

Alice (happy): Oh, you heard about Oliver.

Alice: Oliver, wouldn’t that be kind of a funny name if it were a girl?

Carol: Wait a minute. Is this family under the impression that I’m gonna have a baby?

Alice (nodding): Aren’t you under that imnpression?

Carol (laughing): Oliver is my nephew, and he’s just coming to live with us for a while.

Alice: Oh, well, in that case, I better make a fast phone call and cancel that order.

Carol: What order, Alice?

Alice: The teeny, tiny, tot diaper service.

Carol (laughing): Wait till those girls find out they set the dishes for nothing.

(Next, Carol is telling the kids about Oliver.)

Carol: Remember, kids, Oliver is an only child so it may take him a while to get used to having six brothers and sisters around.

Greg: We’ll make him feel right at home.

Marcia: Sure, Mom.

Carol: I’m so glad you kids are happy he’s coming to stay with us.

Bobby: Hey, Cindy, now you and me won’t be the youngest. We’ll have somebody to push around.

Carol: Bobby.

(Mike arrives with Oliver.)

Mike: Here we are.

(Carol gives him a big hug and all the kids greet him.)

Carol: Oh, Oliver. Welcome to your new family.

Oliver: Thanks, Aunt Carol.

Bobby: Hey, Oliver, let’s play basketball.

Cindy: No, let’s go on the swings.

Mike: Hey, kids, kids, he’s not a wishbone.

Oliver: It’s okay, Uncle Mike. I like being popular.

Peter: Hey, Oliver. You moved in at a great time. We’re going on a tour of a movie studio Saturday.

Oliver: Wow, I should’ve moved in with you guys years ago.

Bobby: Come on, Oliver. Let’s go outside.

(The kids lead him to the backyard.)

Carol: Oh, Mike, I think Oliver is gonna be very happy here.

Mike: Well, the kids are giving him a warm welcome.

(Jan and Cindy are in their room. Jan is painting a picture and Oliver comes in.)

Oliver: Can I watch?

Jan: Sure. Cindy, hand me those brushes.

Oliver: Oh, I’ll get them.

(He runs over but accidentally knocks over Jan’s painting.)

Jan (upset): Oliver, you ruined my painting!

Oliver: Gee, I’m sorry, I was only trying to help.

(He hands Jan the brushes. Meanwhile, Greg is downstairs in the kitchen making a cold cut sandwich.)

Greg: Alice, you certainly feed us well.

Alice: Be careful you don’t build that too high, the city has built an earthquake fault.

Greg: I’ve only just begun.

(He shakes the ketchup bottle, without any luck. Oliver comes in.)

Oliver: Can I help?

Greg: No thanks, I’ll get it.

Oliver: No, I’m real good at ketchup. You gotta hit the botlte real hard, like this.

(He hits the bottom three times but accidentally gets some on Greg’s shirt.)

Alice: You think you got the hang of it now, Greg?

(Next, Bobby is in the backyard. He just finished mowing the lawn and is putting it in the bag. Oliver comes to him.)

Oliver: Can I help?

Bobby: No, it’s all right, Oliver. I can handle it.

Oliver: But I’m one of the family. I’m supposed to help.

Bobby: Oliver, it’s okay. I can get it.

Oliver: Well, if you insist.

(He lets go and Bobby goes flying. He lands on a flower pot, breaking it.)

Oliver: Oh, gee, I’m sorry. I was just trying to help.

Bobby: It’s alright, the worst Dad can do is kill me.

(Later on, Carol is in the family room, knitting  an afghan. Mike comes in.)

Carol: Well, what do you think?

Mike: What is it?

Carol: It’s a six foot afghan.

Mike: You’re short a few feet.

(Oliver comes in.)

Oliver: Uncle Mike, Aunt Carol, can I say something?

Carol: Sure.

Mike: Sure you can. Go ahead, what is it?

Oliver: Well, I just wanted to say good night and thank you for letting me stay here with you guys.

Carol: Oh, Oliver, we’re so thrilled to have you here with us.

Mike: We sure are.

Oliver: You go on upstairs and get into bed and we’ll be up in a minute to tuck you in. And you know what, tomorrow we’re gonna help you write a letter to your mommy and daddy. I bet you miss them, huh.

Oliver: Yeah, but when you get to be as big as I am, you get to understand these kind of things.

Mike: We figured you would.

Oliver: Anyway, I really like it here. It’s super. Good night.

Carol: Good night. (Oliver walks away but the yarn from the afghan goes with him) Oliver, Oliver, stop.

Oliver: Gee, I’m sorry. It got tangled around my foot.

Carol: That’s okay, Oliver. It wasn’t your fault.

(Oliver goes upstairs and Carol laments at her ruined garment.)

Mike: Well, look on the brightside, honey. You’re not gonna have time to finish it anyway.

Carol: What do you mean by that?

Mike: I have a year old hand knitted sock to prove it.

Carol: Oh, yeah?

Mike: Yeah.

(She wraps the ruined yarn around his face and they kiss. Oliver is upstairs in the top bunk. His snoring is keeping Bobby awake. He gets out to bed and goes to Peter.)

Bobby: Hey, Pete, Pete, are you sleeping?

Peter: Are you kidding? Who can sleep with that buzz saw going?

Bobby: For a little guy he sure snores big.

Peter: Sounds like the M.G.M. lion.

Bobby: How are we gonna get any sleep?

Peter: I read once that where you can stop people from snoring by rolling them over. Let’s try it.

(They try rolling Oliver over but they fall down. Peter accidentally breaks a lamp in so doing. Oliver wakes up.)

Oliver: Can you guys be a little more quiet, a guy can’t get any sleep around here.

(Next, Bobby and Peter are telling Greg about their problems with Oliver.)

Bobby: I’m telling you, Oliver’s a jynx.

Greg: Come on.

Peter: What about the ketchup he dowsed you with?

Greg: It was an accident.

Bobby: What about the flower pot he made me bust?

Peter: And the lamp last night.

(The girls come in.)

Cindy; Are you talking about Oliver?

Peter: Yeah.

Jan: He’s a disaster area and I got a painting to prove it.

Marcia: Jan. that was just an accident.

Cindy: What abouit the dishes he made you drop?

Marcia: Well, I guess that was an accident, too.

Peter: How come we’re having all these accidents only since Oliver moved in?

Bobby: Yeah, I like Oliver but he’s a jynx.

Cindy: It sure looks like that.

Jan: I wish he could’ve stayed with some other relative.

Peter: Yeah, but I guess there’s nothing we can do, we’re stuck with him.

(With all this being said, Oliver is right outside. He overhears what the other kids say and gets depressed. The scene fades.)

(The next scene has Carol going out in the backyard.)

Carol (calling): Alice, if you need me, I’ll be out back gardening.

(She notices Oliver’s legs sticking out of the doghouse, where he is seeking refuge.)

Carol: Oliver, what are you doing in there?

Oliver: You better not come near me, Aunt Carol.

Carol: Why not?

Oliver: Something bad will happen, I’m a jynx.

Carol: A jynx? (She pulls him out of there) Okay, Oliver, what’s going on?

Oliver: I told you, I’m bad luck. If I found a four leaf clover, it would probably turn out to be poison ivy.

Carol: Oliver, who gave you that idea that you’re a jynx?

Oliver: The other kids. I heard them talking.

Carol: What did they say?

Oliver: They said wherever I go, terrible things happen. and they’re right, I’m bad news.

Carol: Well, I’ve got good news. We’re gonna solve your problem right now. Come on, Mr. Jynx.

(She takes him by the hand and they go into Mike’s den.)

Mike: Take my word for it, there is no such thing as a jynx.

Carol: We think it’s good luck to have you here with us.

Oliver: I thought so, too. But there sure is a lot of evidence on the other side.

Mike: Look, maybe you did cause a couple of minor accidents, but that can happen to anybody.

Oliver: I know, but I’m very good at it.

Carol: Oliver, anyone who believes in a jynx is just superstitious.

Oliver: That’s me, and I was trying so hard to make everybody like me.

Carol: Oliver, everybody does like you. Now you just forget about all this jynx business. Promise?

Oliver; Well, I’m willing to forget about it if the other kids are.

Mike: Now that I can guarantee.

(Next, Mike is talking to Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy.)

Mike: I’m surprised at you. You had poor Oliver shaken up.

Jan: Well, we had no idea he was listening, Dad.

Cindy: Or else we would have closed the window.

Mike: Honey, that’s not the point.

Peter: We don’t have anything personal against him, Dad. He’s a nice kid.

Bobby: But it’s just sort of weird meeting a first cousin who’s a catastrophe.

Mike: Oliver is not a catastrophe, Oliver is not a jynx. Look, those accidents happened because he’s just trying too hard to be helpful, that’s all. Or there are coincidences.

Peter: I guess Dad’s right.

Mike: Now, remember this. For the time being at least, Oliver is a member of this family. And what we do, he does, and where we go, he goes. Is that clear? (They all nod) Okay, start making Oliver feel like he belongs.

(He gets up and leaves.)

Cindy: Boy, I guess that means Oliver has to come with us on the tour of the movie studio Saturday.

Jan: Yeah.

Peter: I sure hope we don’t have any more of those so-called coincidences.

Bobby: Yeah, just when they ask for an autograph, he’ll get hit by a truck.

(Next, the boys are outside playing basketball while Marcia is working on a ceramics project. She is joined by Jan and Cindy.)

Jan: Can we help you paint it?

Marcia: I’ve got to do it myself. I get graded on it for my class project.

(Oliver comes outside while the guys are making comments about playing.)

Oliver (to Marcia): Hi.

Jan: Hi.

Marcia: Hi. Hey, Oliver, how would you like to learn about ceramice.

Oliver: No, thanks.

Jan: Come on, Oliver, it’s fun.

Oliver: I better not. I may bring you some bad luck.

Cindy: Oh, you won’t. Dad said you’re not a jynx.

Oliver: Well, let’s keep it that way.

(He walks over to the guys.)

Greg: Hey, Oliver, how about playing with us. (He tosses him the ball) You and me against these two clowns.

Oliver: No, I just better watch.

Peter: Come on, Oliver, we need another guy.

Oliver: I’ll bust the ball or something.

(He throws it back to them.)

Bobby: You won’t. That jynx stuff is silly superstition.

Greg: Come on, we wnat you to play.

Oliver: You really mean it?

Greg: Sure we do. Let’s show these bums how to play basketball. Come on, pass it.

(He throws the ball back to him and Oliver passes it back to Greg. He makes a shot.)

Greg: Lucky my foot. (Peter and Bobby have the ball) Get it. Get it, steal it. (Pete rmakes a shot) Oh, ball, never, never.

(Meanwhile, Carol is knitting in the family room and Mike comes in. He has a model of a building he just created.)

Mike: Where is everybody?

Carol: Oh, honey, the boys are outside playing basketball with Oliver. Whatever you said sure worked.

Mike: Good. I’m just gonna take this down to the office. I won’t be gone long.

Carol: Oh, honey, can I see? That looks terrific.

Mike: Well, it should. It took me almost as long to make it as it would a real building.

Carol: What is this?

Mike: Oh, those are the fountains, see. And I rigged it where you can put real water in it and a fountain would shoot up. This side comes off and you can see those lights work.

Carol: Oh, honey.

(Back outside, the boys are still playing.)

Greg: Over here, Bobby. Not there.

Oliver Over here, Greg!

Greg (passing him the ball): take it.

(Oliver takes a shot but unfortunately it goes in the wrong direction. It hits Marcia’s project, ruining it. Alice almost trips over it. Mike slips on it while walking through the kitchen. He drops his building on the edge of the counter and demolishes it. Carol comes running out.)

Carol: Honey, are you all right?

Mike: I’m fine, but, I just converted my high rise into a low rise.

Carol (sadly): Oh, I’m sorry.

Mike: Gee, and the elevators worked and everything.

(Oliver buries his face in his arms shamefully. Next, the whole family except Mike are leaving for the movie studio.)

Cindy: I hope we see a lot of movie stars on the tour.

Marcia: If I run into Robert Redford, I’ll faint.

Jan: Me too.

Alice: I’ll beat you both to the ground.

Greg; Is everybody here?

Carol: Where’s Oliver. (she calls) Oliver!

Greg (calling): Oliver!

(Oliver comes out.)

Carol: Come on, Oliver.

Oliver: I think I better stay home, Aunt Carol.

Carol: But Oliver, I thought you were so excited about going to the movie studio.

Oliver: That was before I turned into a jynx.

Carol: I thought we were over all that.

Oliver: Me too, but it happened again.

(Carol tries to reverse psychology him.)

Carol: Well, okay, that’s it, if Oliver’s not going, I’m not going either. Right, Greg.

(She winks.)

Greg: Right, if you’re not going, I’m not going. Right, Alice.

Alice: Oh, right, Greg, and if you and Mrs. Brady aren’t going, I’m not going either. Right, Bobby.

Bobby: Wrong, I’m going.

(They give him dirty looks.)

Carol: Bobby.

Bobby: Just kididng.

Greg: See, Oliver, now, if you don’t come, nobody’s gonna go.

Oliver: Okay, I’ll go. But you’re all doing this at your own risk.

Carol: We’ll take our chances.

(They all get in the car.)

Greg: Everybody put your seat belt on for the speed tour.

(They arrive at the studio. Carol cautions the kids to stay together. They meet Mr. Douglas, the studio manager.)

Carol: We’re all together.

Mr. Douglas: All right. 2,4,6,7, is that 8 or 9?

Carol: 9.

Mr. Douglas: Well, may I ask your name?

Carol: Carol Brady?

Mr. Douglas: Ms. Brady.

Carol (correcting him): That’s Mrs. Brady.

Mr. Douglas: Mrs. Brady, would you please step through the gate to one side for a moment?

Greg: Is something wrong?

Mr. Douglas: Oh, hardly.

(The family follows Carol inside. Greg sees a beautiful actress walking buy.)

Greg: I wonder what movie she’s in.

Carol: Oh, just watch it.

Alice: Mrs. Brady, what’s going on?

Carol: I don’t know.

Greg: Why did he call us over?

(Mr. Douglas approaches them.)

Mr. Douglas: I’m Jim Douglas, and I’m in charge of Marathon Studios tours. Congratulations, Mrs.Brady.

Carol: What for?

Mr. Douglas: Well, you have nine people in your group. And the ninth is the one millionth visitor to come through our gates. So you win the grand prize.

(They all get excited.)

Carol: What is the grand prize, Mr. Douglas?

Mr. Douglas: Well, you all get to appear in a marathon studio movie.

(They all get even more excited.)

Carol: Wait a second, kids. (to Mr. Douglas) We’re really so thrilled with this honor.

Jan: Are we gonna be actors?

Mr. Douglas: Well, not exactly actors. You’ll all be extras. That is, if you want to have a lot of fun.

(They all cheer.)

Carol: Well gang, huh, kids.

(They give their approval.)

Mr. Douglas: Okay, wonderful. If you’ll all step upstairs into wardrobe. They’ll take care of you up there.

(He walks away.)

Carol: Oh, thanks, Oliver. Because of you, we’re nine instead of eight.

Bobby: Yeah, if it wasn’t for Oliver, the people behind us would’ve been in the movie.

Alice: Do you still feel like a jynx?

Oliver: Not anymore.

(They step into wardrobe. Next, they are wearing funny clothes and on the set of the movie.)

Director: Okay, everybody, we’ll go for a take. Now remember, Brady family, this is a take off of an all-time silent movie. And you know what you’re supposed to do. (They agree) Okay, good. Take your places and have a lot of fun with it. Oh, and don’t look at the camera. All right, okay, roll it. (The slapstick guy comes out) all rightm, ready and action.

(They’re all walking down the street.)

Director (yelling): Okay, now you hear the car accident! Crash! now react, react. (They act in the way he said to) Okay, now move off toward the car.

(Two trucks crashed into each other. The drivers are arguing and one of them takes a pie and throws in the other one’s face. Then he takes a pie and throws it in the other man’s face. The Bradys laugh as a cop comes over and gets hit with a pie as well. The cop takes a pie and hits Alice with it. She takes two pies and hits Greg and Peter. They take two pies and Greg hits Bobby in the face. Peter puts his pie on Bobby’s head, then he and Greg shake hands. Then the guys throw pies at the girls, who, in turn, throw at Carol. She takes a pie over to Oliver.)

Carol: Welcome to the family, Oliver.

(He throws a pie on his head. The rest of the family throw pies at him as well.)

Director: Cut, cut, cut, hold it, hold it, terrific, that’s just terrific. (He gets hit with a pie as well) Perfect.

(They continue with the pie throwing as the scene fades.)

(The final scene has Oliver writing a letter. Alice comes in.)

Alice: Hi, Oliver.

Oliver: Hi.

Alice: Hmm, writing a letter?

Oliver: Yeah, to my folks. I told them all about being in the movie and how much I like being here with everybody.

Alice: Well, that’s nice. We like having you hear with us.

Oliver: Right after I finish, I’ll take out the trash.

Alice: It’s Bobby’s turn to take out the trash.

Oliver: He shoved it off on me, just like he mad eme sweep up the garage.

Alice: That isn’t very nice of him.

Oliver: Oh, I don’t mind. On account of the lizard.

Alice: What lizard?

Oliver: The one I’m gonna put in his bed.

Alice: Oh, just make sure it’s out before I change the sheets.

THE END